#Of course he will sometimes do thoughtless and stupid things

[wonderfull-star]

I like that face Dev makes.

He just a smol baby 🥺

[pomefioredove]

I— 'Don't bite your lip, I want to do that' with Jamil possibly? 🥺 I swear that would straight up kill me (in a good way)

I hope you have a good day!

oooh... this one is interesting

summary: "Don't bite your lip, I want to do that" type of post: short fic characters: jamil additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is not specified to be yuu, BRIEF mention of blood, a little kissing, fluffy, not proofread aaand maybe a little ooc

You are the personification of bad habits.

At first, Jamil avoided you; he thought he had done enough babysitting, and the last thing he needed was to worry himself over your love of biting your nails.

...And then, of course, he caved.

He couldn't just avoid you forever, and if he was going to be your friend anyway, he might as well have tried.

So, Jamil has learned a lot about you in these past few months.

For one, when you're nervous, no amount of verbal reminders will prevent you from fidgeting.

And, for another, you responded shockingly well to physical touch.

It became a habit of his. Away from prying eyes, he'd hold your hands to prevent you from picking your cuticles and tuck your hair behind your ears so you wouldn't chew on it.

He fussed over you in ways not even he understood, but that didn't matter.

He liked the feeling that came with being the leader between the two of you.

There was just one thing he couldn't seem to fix.

"Stop that," Jamil says, running his thumb over your lower lip. He sighs, seeing the blood beading from where you'd bitten.

He takes up a handkerchief, dabbing at your lip.

"There are better ways to deal with your anxiety than taking it out on yourself," he mutters. He would know.

"Sorry,"

"It's not worth apologizing over," Jamil says. "Don't let your thoughts get the best of you. They're supposed to serve you, not..."

He pauses, withdrawing the handkerchief.

"I just wish you'd stop doing that,"

"I can't help it," you say.

He knows that already, he thinks. That's why he's trying to help.

He frowns. Being so worried over someone he has no obligation to worry over is a new feeling, but not an unwelcome one.

It's just... difficult.

"You're too thoughtful for your own good, sometimes," but it's not like he's complaining. It's a welcome break from the thoughtlessness he deals with elsewhere.

Jamil knows it's your first instinct to bite and pick and peel; he's also confident he'll find a way to train you out of it.

Maybe...

No. What a stupid thought. Holding hands is one thing, occupying your lips to dissuade you is another.

"What are you thinking about?" you ask.

Ugh. "Nothing. A solution,"

"I want to hear it," you seem quite adamant. He sighs.

"I thought that if occupying your hands has worked for in the past, that the same might be true of your lips... but that's clearly not as easy,"

You're quiet. Probably thinking, and then overthinking.

"Well... why not? Why not kiss me, I mean?"

Jamil almost drops the handkerchief. Maybe you weren't overthinking this time, after all.

"...Because this is not some silly movie where I say something like... "don't bite your lip, I want to do that", or something equally embarrassing,"

You seem to hold back a giggle, much to his chagrin. "Maybe you should. Maybe it would work,"

"...You're not serious,"

You nod. Sevens, you are turning out to be a handful today. Much more so than usual.

Still...

He sighs. "Fine, but only because you insist,"

A long silence follows. Jamil studies your expression, almost looking for a hint of deceit, but... it's just you.

Genuinely caring about others is such a headache.

He hesitates, and then leans in, pressing a short but sweet kiss to your mouth. It tastes like blood. Not that he minds.

Keeping a cool facade after that is harder than he expected, and it takes him a minute to pull himself together.

At least you look happy with yourself.

Despite his internal embarrassment, he can't help but smile at the thought.

"Distracting enough?"

You're quiet, lost in thought... and then you nod. "I would say so. I guess your theory was right all along,"

Jamil feels a little swell of pride, both at the praise and at the soft look on your face.

"Hm. They often are,"

[misscrawfords]

I was listening to Pride and Prejudice on my drive back from my mother's today and it's been so long since I've actually read the novel as opposed to engaged with one or other adaptation...

Goodness, it's good, isn't it? And Elizabeth is so much more complex a character than she is often presented in adaptations.

The thing that was standing out to me today - I was listening to from when Mr. Collins proposes to Charlotte and I stopped just when Elizabeth was talking to Colonel Fitzwilliam at Rosings - was the chapter which is just Jane and Elizabeth talking about Bingley. This gets cut from adaptations or so condensed to be meaningless, but it's incredible. It's just a whole chapter of the sisters chewing over why Bingley ghosted Jane (for lack of a better term) and what Caroline's motivations were and the thing that gets me is that they're both right. Jane is right that Bingley can't be blamed for being a friendly young man and that he had no malicious intentions but Elizabeth is also right that young men can be thoughtless in their dealings with women who have less freedom than them and their thoughtlessness can do real hurt. (She's also right about Caroline, of course.) It struck me as such a modern issue. Maybe I've just been thinking about the unwitting hurt that thoughtless young men can cause recently, but everything is so complicated. Bingley is a flake who makes a mistake with regards to Jane but he's also a genuinely lovely young man who makes it right in the end - he's still on his own journey through life which he will continue with Jane. Jane herself lets her desire to see the best in others cause her to see friendship where it isn't, but being deceived in a friend is not so uncommon, is it? And she's not stupid or weak. Heck, she endures her heartbreak being talked about openly by her mother in public for months silently and without rancour. And she does it all without ever resenting Bingley! Jane's the strongest character in the whole novel and an inspiration to the rest of us - FIGHT ME on this!

The other thing I really picked up on was what an important moment in Elizabeth's character development Charlotte's engagement is. It actually kind of breaks my heart - her best friend makes a life choice that she can't support but has to and nothing will ever be the same again between them. It's the first dent into Elizabeth's world view that forces her to see that people are different from her and can make different decisions and this is okay and not just something she can laugh at. It's so relatable in terms of life events - when a close friend marries and then when they have a baby, these things absolutely still do alter friendships. Elizabeth gets over it and even enjoys seeing Charlotte in Hunsford but we are frequently reminded by the narrator that the previous confidences they enjoyed will never be the same again. It's a really big moment for Elizabeth and really the first event in the novel to start to shake her foundations of her comfortable existence. The other two are Bingley's desertion of Jane and Wickham's decision to pursue Mary King over her. By the time she goes to Hunsford, she is prepared in a way for the final massive shock to the foundations of The World According to Lizzy Bennet, not that she knows it. Such is growing up.

And OMG Lady Catherine is SO vulgar and inappropriate! She is a direct parallel to Mrs. Bennet and the rest of the Bennets. Just as Elizabeth feels accute embarrassment at the Netherfield Ball, Mr. Darcy is feeling exactly the same at Rosings. Beautifully done. But their awareness of what is appropriate behaviour is something that unifies Darcy and Elizabeth even if Darcy massively fails to behave like a human around Elizabeth. Pride and Prejudice is such an expose and examination of "how to behave in social situations". There is nobody who doesn't come under scrutiny and pretty much every type of behaviour is gone over with a fine tooth comb.

Sometimes I feel almost ashamed when people ask me what my favourite novel is and I say "Pride and Prejudice" because it's such a damn cliche. I should say something heavier or more obscure or at least I should say it's Persuasion, the "thinking girl"'s favourite Austen. But P&P is so special to me on so many levels and you know what? It is a MASTERFULLY written book.

[jennelikejennay]

Just watched The Doomsday Machine. We see Spock, Kirk, and Commodore Decker taking very different approaches to dealing with this massive superweapon.

(If you are keeping track, this is the second automated weapon destroying solar systems they deal with in the series, but not the last. My rant about destroying inhabited planets with no consequences still applies.)

What's interesting to me is that Decker behaves the way people often attribute to Kirk: bold, emotionally driven, thoughtless. Spock tells him he has no hope of destroying the weapon, so they should get away and send a warning instead. Decker refuses to accept this (and I can relate, it's headed straight to Rigel) but his only plan is just to shoot at it, even though his phasers aren't penetrating. Bones and Spock both tell him this is stupid and he refuses to listen. He ends up trying a suicidal plan that he knows won't work, but which feels cosmically fair to him.

Now Kirk's approach looks similar to this on first blush. He, too, refuses to run. He's willing to take chances with his own life, on something he's not sure will work. But Spock trusts him in a way he didn't trust Decker. Why? Because Kirk is thinking, not just feeling. He calculates his odds and has no plan to let himself die. It's that combination of boldness and sense that allows him to accomplish so much.

At times, the show makes it feel like he simply throws himself at problems at the universe lets him get away with it because he's the hero. But actually there's a great deal of thought that goes into his plans, which sometimes goes unspoken. This time, it's spelled out.

Kirk knows the size of the explosion he'll make and the seconds he'll have to escape. He knows it's not a sure thing, but the odds are in his favor and he's risking nobody but himself. Spock doesn't love letting him take the risk, but he does because he has total faith in Kirk's leadership. He knows the only reason Kirk would do this is because it is the right choice—that he's not being reckless because he isn't that kind of person.

Of course it's a success, meaning Jim and Spock get to make eyes at each other while making a very pointed statement about the Cold War. Roll credits!

[cottoncandy-cult]

Babification Savanaclaw

INTRO/Dorm Selection Remember this is a fem reader insert so she/her pronouns are being used here.

Leona happily slept in the Savanaclaw lounge on one of several couches, it was deathly quiet in the dorm as last time they had made the mistake of waking the child sleeping on Leona's chest there had been hell in the form of training. It had been a few days since his lover had been babyfied, rather than waiting for the professor to bring him what he needs he instead had taken her to his brother to explain the situation. He hated it but he also knew that as a father, Falena knew better than him what would be necessary at this stage of infancy. Of course, he kept what Crewel had brought him, after all he didn't want to go out shopping if things took a bit longer than expected. At first, she was a bit of a handful, he hadn't been sure how to handle her crying and it left him snippy with everyone in the school. Surprisingly the teachers let his attitude go, after all he was having to do schoolwork and tend to an infant. But he had discovered something, if he rested her against his chest and started to purr her cries would start to quiet down till they fell silent. This had been his go to for when she was tired and fussy but wouldn't sleep, as well as when he himself wanted a nap. Despite slowly dozing off he could hear the whispers from the other dorm members as they'd watch him, some were complaining about how she sometimes cries at night, other stupider members spoke of using her against him so they could take over as dorm leader. That had been the comment that made him open his eyes, giving a deep growl as he glared in the direction the voice came from though, he quieted when (Y/n) gave a whine and rubbed her tiny face against his chest. Curling a strong arm around her and gently holding the back of her head as he sat up, keeping his eyes on the thoughtless loser that had thought he was being slick. The intensity of his glare made the opposing male tense, the nameless nobody stepping back when Leona stood. "This is your only warning, if you even look at her cross, I will turn you to dust. Don't test me magot." He watched as the offending male simply nodded, diverting his eyes from the two of them.

This calmed Leona somewhat, so he had turned to leave the lounge area and head back to his room. He was gentler than anyone would have expected him to be when he laid the sleeping baby on his bed, he had made a sort of bundle of spare covers and had pressed down the center to make a sort of nest so she couldn't roll out over or out of bed. He knew enough from when Cheka was this little, having helped take care of him every now and then when Falena and his wife were tired or busy. He took his time getting changed into his sleep ware, brushing his long dark hair back into a ponytail to keep it out of his face when he slept. Upon turning around his emerald eyes met (E/c), (Y/n) had woken up at some point and had just been quietly watching him. He couldn't help but chuckle, she could be downright adorable when she wasn't being fussy or a brat. "Watcha starin' at Herbivore? Don't tell me you're bored." He chuckled and went to sit on his bed, leaning back against the pillows he picked her up and rested her on his stomach as part of his new nightly routine. A goofy grin stretched across the little girl's face as her tiny hand reached up to pat his cheek, soft baby skin gently tapping at the scar over his eye. He remembered how when he first held her after the accident, she had been so curious about his scar and had touched it as if she hadn't seen it every day since the start of their relationship. It had reminded him of when Cheka had still been that little, the thought triggering a protective bubble to form in his chest though he'd never admit it. He had tried to mask this protective tendency, like when someone would try to convince him to let them hold (Y/n) he'd outright refuse. He'd fake offense and accuse them of doubting him, to hide the fact he just didn't trust anyone else to hold the fragile being. Though he was starting to think Ruggie was catching on, as earlier that day when Leona did his usual refusal spill the hyena boy had begun to smirk at the lion with a quirked brow. All Leona could do in return is roll his eyes and tell the boy to shut up, despite the fact the male had been silent. Though Ruggie took no offense, merely putting his hands up to signal his submission as he chuckled while Leona walked away. The male couldn't wait to tease her when she was back to normal, revenge for all the trouble she's caused the tall male by being in the situation.

Ruggie smiled as he served yet another table at the monstro lounge, he had been about to start a shift he decided to pick up there when Lillia had come to him with a little (Y/n) in his arms. Thankfully he had a harness as well, something that would allow him to carry the little girl as he worked, Lillia knew just how busy Ruggie could be so he figured the baby had to come with a chest harness. To Ruggie's surprise she had helped him accumulate a lot of tips, the students and faculty that would come to the lounge found her adorable. Many girls thought it was so sweet how he'd take care of her after such an accident, as most guys would have sent Lillia away. Because he was working voluntarily his tips didn't go into the staff tip pool, instead he got to keep them all as he wasn't bound by contract. "I'll have to take you out for lunch once you're back to normal, you've helped me a lot today." He kissed the top of her head, chuckling at her happy babbles as he took one of his breaks. He went to the kitchen to get a drink for the little girl, Floyd had gotten him a small glass for some juice before leaving him to relax and help her drink. It was kind of busy, so it made sense that he wouldn't really have time to tease him as he normally would in such a situation. Ruggie was careful with how he unfastened her, moving to sit on a chair by a small table and rest her on his lap so he could hold the cup more easily for the little girl. "You're pretty cute when you're little like this bunny, I'll have to take some pictures so I can show you later." He giggled and set the cup aside once she got her feel, his large hand rubbing her belly as he leaned back against the chair. He watched as she kicked her legs, continuing to babble to herself before he began bouncing his leg the way he would for the kids in his family whenever he'd visit home and be handed an infant or small child. She had quieted down some as she watched how the cooks would move about the kitchen and take meals in and out. "Heh, yeah you do like to cook huh? Nice to know that you still like it. Maybe I'll play you a few videos once we get back to the dorm." He continued talking to her, despite the fact she couldn't really talk back. But the way she'd tip her head back to look at him made him feel acknowledged. He took the time to give her some apple sauce he bought from the vending machine, careful to keep her clean since Crewel hadn't come by to drop off the baby bag yet.

Soon enough he was back on the floor, he carried a tray with 5 plates balanced on it in one hand and a tray of drinks in the other. Little (Y/n) having been strapped back to his chest. He walked the trays to table 16, only to be surprised by the heartslabyul crew. "How long have you guys been here? I don't remember you coming in." Ruggie quirked an eyebrow, drawing their attention as he began to set the plates on the table while they passed them to the orderers. "We just came in a minute ago, Jade said it was the end of lunch rush and got us seated pretty quickly." Trey smiled, though his eyes like the rest of the crew's had drifted to the infant in moments. "So, it's true? Here I thought Ace and Deuce had been exaggerating when they said she had been turned into a baby." Riddle tilted his head with a chuckle, leaning forward some to get a better look at the baby that happily babbled against the Savanaclaw's chest. "Yeah, Lillia dropped her off earlier. Professor Crewel is supposed to be coming by soon to drop off a baby bag so I can take care of her until they fix it." He chuckled, poking at the little girl's cheek as her legs kicked out. "I have to get a picture for magicam, this is too cute." Cater was quick to lean across the table once he had taken a picture of his meal, holding up his phone as he made funny faces at the little girl so he could get a couple extra shots. "It was kinda scary at first, with her not having magic and all these potions tend to have stronger effects. I almost expected her to be dead or something when the smoke cleared." Ace scratched the back of his head; he and Deuce had talked earlier and both recounted how their hearts dropped to their stomach when they realized she was caught in the smoke. The moment had reminded them just how much she meant to them as a friend. Like sure they had fought students before for threatening or putting hands on her since she doesn't have magic, not all the students are willing to keep their magic to themselves after all regardless of rules. So in that moment they genuinely thought that would be what did it, they thought they'd have to be giving their witness accounts for her accident later. "Yeah, we are lucky this is the outcome, magicless humans seem so much more fragile you know what I mean?" Ruggie, tucked the trays under his arm. Watching as Deuce let the little girl hold onto one of his fingers. "I gotta get back to work now, you guys enjoy your meal." He gave a wave as he went to go clean up a couple tables, he was relieved things were slowing down as his feet were killing him.

Jack had been walking to his history class at the end of the day when Lillia found him, surprisingly with Proffessor Crewel in tow. He had been quite surprised to see the proffessor carrying an infant and even more so after they escorted him to Trein's class to explain what had happened. That was why he was currently sitting a bit further back from the table that he and the other students in his row used to write on, because he had to keep at least one hand on her the proffessor had been kind enough to allow him to use his phone to record the notes for that days class. Jack had been afraid to hold the little girl at first, she was so small compared to him or even his younger siblings at her age and near weightless to boot, he was afraid of crushing her but he also didn't want to drop her. He was able to rest her against his chest and simply hook his arm beneath her bum to support her, which made him feel a bit better about holding her as he didn't have to worry about her being able to breathe. He had taken anatomy back in highschool so he knew that beastmen were a bit sturdier physically for the most part when compared to regular people, and he often worried that (Y/n) was even more fragile as she didn't have magic or experience with being on the receiving end of it, she couldn't take magical blows the way someone with experience around the stuff could. But now here she was as a baby, completely helpless and magicless. It gave him anxiety, though he'd never admit it. Ever since she had been placed in his arms he had felt himself perk up, it was like his awareness had skyrocketed and he had to keep himself from growling when people got close. The more he thought about her predicament the more he wanted to skip class and go back to his dorm room so he could hide her away, the place felt to open for someone like her to be there. It was that thought that almost made him laugh, he recognized this feeling now as he experienced it whenever his siblings were little. His instincts were wired because someone he cared for was currently helpless, and worse yet an infant. much like how a wolf would prefer to keep its pups in a den, he wanted to hide her because he didn't trust the strangers around him and thus felt she was in danger.

Thankfully this was his last class for the day, so he wouldn't have to keep reminding himself that she was safe for too much longer. He raised a hand to gently rub the little girl's back, she looked like she was dozing off to his relief and his gentle rubbing seemed to be helping. He couldn't help but grin a bit, though he stuffed it down before anyone noticed as he knew several students had been curiously watching him. So he settled with distracting himself, carefully pulling out a small baby blanket from the bag. It was white with little grey paw prints all over it, a detail he chose to ignore as he did his best to wrap the cover around her without jostling her too much. He missed how the teacher smiled a little after moving to sit at his desk to get the homework gathered, the old man had a family of his own afterall so seeing the young man so carefully attempt to care for the small girl made him feel hope for this next generation. Before long the wolf boy was speed walking back to his dorm, regular bag over his free shoulder as well as the stuffed baby bag. He had been told to seek Sam if he runs out of diapers or needs anything baby wise, he was grateful to have younger siblings otherwise he felt he'd be absolutely clueless. Because of his slight experience he was able to relax as he rested her in a sort of nest he made on his bed, taking the chance to change into some sweatpants and a tank top. He'd grab something to eat in a few minutes, for now he was going to sit by the sleeping girl and work on a bit of homework. His arm had started to fall asleep from holding her, that was how he knew he was gonna get a workout taking care of her. His focus was broken when he heard a knock right before Leona walked in, Ruggie right behind him with a curious grin. "I just heard you brought the herbivore back; you could have at least told me what was going on yourself." Leona put his hands on his hips as he stood at the end of the bed, observing the little girl that was clipped into a yellow jumper with the Savanaclaw emblem on it. He would never say it out loud but it was kinda cute, but she also wasn't crying at the moment. He huffed, his eyes moving back to the slightly frantic underclassmen as he tried not to smirk. "Sorry about that, we just got back, and I was doing some homework before I fixed dinner." Jack sat down his papers and watched as his house warden leaned forward to get a better look, tilting his head some as he watched her sleep calmly on her back. "Just make sure she isn't screaming through the nights, otherwise we're blaming you if we lose sleep." He shot the male a mock warning glare, he knew because it was such a big change, she'd probably be lazy and sleepy for a while, but he still had an image to keep up. "Here I thought she was like prey before, now she may as well be a rabbit under the protection of the big bad wolf." He chuckled as he and Ruggie left, the shorter male had been happy to merely quietly observe and take in the situation for himself.

[mephinomaly]

[TL] PYSCHOBREAK/Chapter 16

[ This post uses Ois~su ♪ ]

Rei: However, we have never recruited new members like Ryuuseitai or Knights do.

If someone genuinely wanted to join UNDEAD, it would not be possible.

Even if they applied, they would be rejected. They wouldn’t have the ability to match us. I would hate to have to tell someone that admires me “you do not meet the requirements, we do not need you.”

I dislike doing unpleasant things such as that.

Knowing that, the culprit moved to foul play.

He chose the easy, shameless path that would hurt him the least.

Kaoru: To add to that– as you know, Yumenosaki has a lot of sons from influential families, especially from the area.

That’s what happened with our culprit. I think he was the son of a pharmaceutical company?

Rei: Umu. If he had taken over the family business, he could have led a comfortable life, but he must have disliked working as your average worker.

Or perhaps he did not possess the talent or smarts to take over.

Therefore once he had accumulated enough funds, he enrolled in Yumenosaki and lived the life of a slovenly aristocrat. Well, I cannot say that for certain but it doesn’t particularly matter.

He utilised said money and influence to trap us.

Kaoru: It’s giving an off-brand version of Tenshouin-kun.

Rei: Quite. A Tenshouin-kun with no ambition, no passion, no smarts, nor real ability.

Kaoru: Anything else?

Rei: Tenshouin-kun is a cutie but in this case, I don’t believe he would have done the same.

Have nots such as our culprit want to commit a crime whilst preserving their dream.

That is all there is to the situation.

Koga: So what did he do? I don’t get what you’re sayin’.

Adonis: …I understand. If you look at the situation, the culprit’s true intentions are clear.

Firstly, he tried to frame me as the real culprit.

In the dream, I almost became the leader of the “vampires”.

The leader who’s delinquents caused trouble in the town and were eventually suppressed.

Perhaps the culprit was trying to force the position of “leader” on me, whilst he became a member of UNDEAD.

In other words, he was trying to replace me.

It wasn’t true, it was only a distorted dream. But that is what he wanted.

He wanted to join UNDEAD—that much is clear. Due to that, our senpais were able to correctly guess the identity of the culprit.

Koga: Stop it Adonis… This happens everytime, but you’re so smart ‘n perceptive you make me look like a fuckin’ moron in comparison t’you.

Adonis: Oh. I’m sorry. It’s okay, Oogami, your intuition is far better than mine.

Koga: I feel like everyone always says that I’m stupid but my intuition is sharp.

Rei: Fufu. Adonis-kun’s deductions are correct. You’re so smart. You’re such a good boy. Little cutie.

Adonis: Thank you.

Rei: As we know, the culprit's wishes did not come true, not even in our dreams.

Of course, it would never happen. I supposed he thought Adonis-kun was the easiest member of UNDEAD to replace—

Adonis: That’s most likely correct. If you look at it objectively, I am the most replaceable person in UNDEAD.

Of course, Sakuma-senpai is the leader, Oogami is the backbone of UNDEAD, and Hakaze-senpai is an extremely talented, influential person that cannot be replaced.

I am the member that UNDEAD needs the least.

Koga: The hell you mean! I’m gonna fuckin’ kill that guy…!

Kaoru: Mhm. I’m kinda pissed too, but don’t worry– the culprit will be properly persecuted according to the law. Sometimes it’s useful to take advantage of my family's power.

Rei: We will leave it to you. We are not police officers nor judges, we do not have the right to judge others.

However, naturally, the culprit's thoughtless, foolish plan will be prevented.

In reality, he stood no chance in replacing Adonis-kun, and his plan disintegrated without us having to get involved.

This was partly because we manipulated him psychologically, and in the flashbacks, we accepted Adonis-kun as one of our own.

I never said he was an intelligent delinquent.

Adonis: I did not see how that flashback went, but I’m glad to hear it went well.

Thank you for believing me.

Koga: I’ll always believe you! Fuck, I’m still so pissed!

Rei: Fufu. But for the culprit, this was just a bit of fun. His true desires lay somewhere else.

Now, about HELLSING.

Koga: Oh yeah—

Rei: We accepted the AI idols, even if only temporarily, and began activities with them.

The rest of the explanation is easy to follow. At the moment, the AI operates independently, however from this point onwards, the culprit will be able to control them. Almost like a video game character.

He was planning on continuing his idol activities as one of our friends, by using HELLSING as his costume.

He had prepared everything. There was also the AIIE experiment. There were robots of both us and Ra*bits. What a fraud of a research centre.

Using money and influence, he tried to con us.

He forced us to participate in a suspicious experiment via fake messages, and then once we were asleep, he set HELLSING in motion and created a fait accompli​.

His plan began well.

Kaoru: I didn’t think there was anyone out there who’d go so far out of their way to copy us and try to become our friend.

Robots cost a hell of a lot of money, so he must have a lot.

Koga: But why… Did he really wanna be a part of UNDEAD?

Then jus’ fuckin’ say it! Say that you wanna be our friend! Even if we refuse, you shouldn’t give up! Ask again and again! If you tell us how you feel, we coulda accepted you!

Why’d he go through such a roundabout way instead of jus’ askin’ us like a normal person—

Rei: He believed he had chosen the quickest route however ended up taking a detour. That is the lesson he must learn.

We too participate in shady dealings whilst searching for an easy solution to our problems. We cannot make fun of him.

God gives us his toughest battles, whilst the Devil sweet talks foolish human beings who want to avoid said battles. One must be careful.

Anyhow. Once the culprit's identity was known, the rest was easy to understand.

Since he was trying to push out Adonis-kun and force him to take a different position, we could hypothesise that was the culprit's original position.

Koga: Like, as the leader of the “vampires”?

Rei: If he wasn’t the leader, he was at least part of them. With that in mind, we returned to the dream world in order to search for him.

[ ☆ ]

Chapter 15

Chapter 17

[hadit93]

Will you buy the book “Spare” by Prince Harry? Thoughts on this scandal? Is there a love generational curse on this family. The Queen’s uncle abdicated for his love, the Queen’s son also created a mess by marrying Camilla and now Harry was involved in a big scandal.

While I like the public image of the Queen I’ve came to realise that it is all an illusion. Not in the sense that she was a reptilian who fed off children but in the sense that behind the polished image there are many lurking secrets that would create shady gossip. Well on the other hand if I were born in a royal family, be it in the UK, Denmark, UAE, Japan or North Korea, We can agree we would all do everything for our kin so I do not entirely blame them.

My partner bought it, I've skimmed through it a little. I personally will not be reading it, I have more important books to read both fiction and non-fiction.

I don't believe there is a curse. What is important to remember is that the monarch is head i.e. the spiritual leader of the Church of England. There are certain expectations surrounding marriage that church held which the monarch was expected to uphold also. The Queen's uncle certainly gave up everything for love, however, the way the public and the family looked at it is he sacrificed his duty for love. It is either heroic or selfish dependent upon how you look at it. But he certainly did not suffer for it- at least across the shores. He still got money from the British public. Then when he decided Hitler was good company it is shocking to me that he was ever allowed to be buried here. He was not a good man.

Again, Charles was in line for the throne and thus in line to be head of the Church of England and at the time of his marriage to Diana it would not have been okay in the eyes of the church and the queen for Camilla to become divorced and her and Charles to marry. She also had to make such a decision in regards to her sister. Diana was quite literally a trophy wife, a breeding machine and she said as much in her own words.

The royal family are human, they are privileged humans who simply cannot integrate with real people- it would be a threat to their lives for them to just pop down to the local pub. They are out of touch and also prone to mistake which is why they have aides etc. I don't think the Queen was perfect by any means, I don't think the current king is perfect, I don't think any of them will be perfect. But I think they are contributing more good to the world than evil despite sometimes saying stupid and thoughtless things.

I used to like Prince Harry. But I cannot respect his current actions. He has spat on his family and on his country. You do not air your dirty laundry in public. Unless of course you WANT the attention. "Oh no, Meg and I are shy, we just want to live in our massive house and feed our chickens!"......Lets write a book, do a Netflix documentary, go on several interviews, and still use titles we no longer have claim to. Actions do not match the words.

They have all just lost both the matriarch and patriarch of their family. Harry and his family should be closer than ever. I am sure all of this needs discussing with a mediator in place. Perhaps the royals are not open to it, they are of a different generation. My grandparents would never attend therapy for example. But a conversation needs to be had.

As for Megan, I wish her no ill will. I don't think she truly knew what she was getting in to. But I was thrilled that the royal family were progressive enough to okay and allow a marriage to a mixed-race person. It was a highlight of how accepting Britain should be. This being said, the media did absolutely destroy her. Unfortunately the royal response to any scandal is to stay silent. Harry didn't like this and kicked off- I believe as a trauma response from what his mother went through. It is a mess, I think no single person is to blame, it is a complex situation. It requires a complex solution. This being said I believe Megan and Harry have crossed several lines now, and this isn't as a royalist, this is if my family members did what they did I would never speak to them again. You do not shout family secrets in public, you simply do not. And I found Megan to be rude in her interviews on Netflix, that is not to say I think she is rude, but this is how she came off. And yet this interview was in their control so it is not just the media casting this image of her.

She has also lied. There is photographic evidence proving she has lied. And if someone lies about little things, I can no longer trust big assertions they make 100%. This is simply how I am.

BUT despite all this, I think the British public, myself included, are over it. I don't care about Harry and Megan, I just wish they would go quietly like they said they wanted. The media left them alone for the most part. We have bigger things to worry about as a nation- we can't afford our gas bills, all our essential services are striking over pay, the country is literally falling apart. There is war in Ukraine. And yet some prince thinks we should care that his privileged life isn't all that happy. I'm sure they are warm, surrounded by luxury, and eating three good meals a day. He wants to look at the British public he left behind and be thankful for what he does have.

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS IN LOVE - Chapter 23 - Part 2 BOOK THREE: 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning - Adult Content*

Sam Moretti

The music wasn't the best to dance to but at least Benjamin stayed with me and didn't complain anymore and finally my body let go of the tension and I could actually have a good time.

A thoughtless time where I didn't feel anxious over every little thing but then my fun got ruined.

Benjamin and I were in the crowd of other people drinking and dancing when a bulky looking guy waltzed up to a girl, he was clearly making her uncomfortable with what looked like his flirting and then he slid his hand down and grabbed her ass before she pushed him away and stormed off.

I cringed and faced Benjamin again, I knew he saw the same thing I did.

"Men can be so gross sometimes," I said in disgust.

Benjamin looked at me like he didn't understand what I said.

"Maybe if she wasn't wearing clothes that made her look like a prostitute, guys wouldn't hit on her."

My jaw was to the floor.

"You're joking, right?" except I knew he wasn't because Benjamin didn't know how to joke.

"Girls like that are just asking to be hit on," Benjamin said like it was a fact.

"Looking like that and then getting mad when they get cat-called or a guy touching them. It's hypocritical."

I was aghast at Benjamin.

My hands dropped from his sides.

"No, it's that men sexualize women's bodies. They should be able to wear whatever they want and not have to deal with men ogling at them," I scoffed.

"I can't believe you think this way."

"Whatever, Sam. I didn't even want to be here. Let's leave."

'What the hell?'

"No. You can leave if you want to but I'm staying," I told him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'll leave when Kai leaves."

"You're just upset. Let's go back to my place. I don't want to argue at some obtuse party over something stupid."

I gapped.

"Over something stupid? You were being sexist, Ben and I said I'm not leaving, yet," I stood my ground.

"You're being immature," he claimed.

I shrugged.

"Then I'm being immature."

"Fine. You can go home with Kai but we'll being talking about this tomorrow."

I shook my head and scoffed as I watched him walk away.

"Unbelievable," I muttered.

I was furious, both at what Benjamin was saying about women and at myself for actually feeling guilty for wanting to break up with him.

I should've done it there at the party.

Gotten it over with.

I felt so stupid choosing Benjamin Hernandez.

Just being with him in general.

How did I not realize how sexist he was until now?

Kai even warned me.

'So, so stupid, Sam.'

**********

I was gonna go to the bathroom and splash water in my face to cool down but of course the line was long, so I made my way upstairs and searched for a bathroom.

The first door was locked and the second door I watched a very horny looking couple go into the room and the third door I opened was an empty bedroom with a en-suite attached to it.

I stepped into the bedroom and was going to shut the door when a hand stopped it from shutting.

I glared at him.

"Hey Sammy," Jude greeted me but it felt far from any greeting I've ever heard.

"I thought that was you," he noted.

"Leave me alone," I told him in nonchalance to convey I didn't care what he had to say.

As soon as I tried to side step around him and leave to room, he nudged me back.

"I'll scream, don't think I won't," I warned him.

Jude laughed.

"Chill, I'm not going to do anything. I just wanted to catch up."

"Well, I don't want to, so if you could move out of my way," I said bitterly.

He didn't seem to like that answer as he gripped my arm.

"I don't understand what Noah saw in you. Or why you think you are so much better than me."

"Maybe because I'm not a fucking psychopath, now let me go. You have three seconds before I scream."

"The great thing about parties, no one will hear you, they're all to drunk and the music's too loud."

"You're a sick person, you know that? Like mentally there's something screwed up in your head," I spoke matter-of-factly and I definitely should not have talked back to Jude.

I should've just pleaded for me to leave because then I made him enraged and I was being shoved, pushed down onto the queen sized bed in the room.

I never felt fear take over me faster than that moment.

Jude's body kept me in place, one hand keeping both of my hands against my chest while his other hand had my jaw in a deadly grip.

"I'm the fucked up one?"

"Get off me."

I tried shoving him but he had all the advantage... taller, stronger and faster than me.

"Scream, I don't care. In fact, it would turn me on," he said with a sadistic grin.

I felt like I was going to throw up and I wish I had but I tried a new tactic.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. I don't know what Noah saw in me. Clearly nothing because he broke up with me..."

"It's too late because he humiliated me and I don't like not getting what I want and what I want right now is to say 'fuck you' to Noah in a way that'll absolutely destroy him."

My heart was pounding in fear because I knew exactly what Jude was implying.

Tears welled in my eyes.

"Noah hates me. You messing with me won't bother him," I tried.

Jude shook his head.

"We both know that's a fucking lie," he said.

"So stop fucking talking," and he leant down.

"Stop," I cried but his finger's grip on my jaw was too strong for me to turn my face when he leaned in to kiss me.

"Stop," I sobbed but my word morphed to a blur when his lips touched mine.

I tried squirming away, trashing my body out of his hold but I was too weak.

I turned my face away from him when his fingers left my jaw but then they went to the zipper of my pants and I squeezed my eyes shut, praying I didn't have to see, hear or feel what Jude was going to do to me.

"Please stop," I cried and then my prayer must've been heard because I felt his weight lift but it wasn't God's doing.

When I opened my eyes, Noah was on top of Jude, throwing punch after punch to his face and he wasn't stopping.

[keischreiber]

While I do have my headcanons and whatnot between Reiner and Kristina...

I do want an RP that does not involve it. Because my usual RP process doesnt usually involve my headcanons about relationships, but just the base info about my OC and then I go from there as to what bonds they'll form in the process.

Like how... when I started RPing Naruto, I originally planned for Kiomi to have a ship with Itachi... which in the beginning sort of happened when I found RPers to RP with... but lacked chemistry. However the chemistry came in the most unexpected of packages which was Jiraiya. Now, don't kill me because there is most literally an age gap there because hi. Kiomi is the same age as Naruto and Jiraiya is well... the same age as Kiomi's lord and savior, Orochimaru. But don't worry. Nothing happens. Because the part about age gap that I love is the angst of never being able to be truly together because of multiple reasons. What's fun for me is exploring the character's internal feelings, and how it changed them (if it did) as a person. Plus I only have a main Jiraiya that I RPed that with so it's not like it's gonna be every Jiraiya. Because again. Chemistry is very important as well as being on the same page. I like internal struggles, okay. Kiomi hates me for the amount of shit I put her through, I'm basically a walking war crime to her.

I like organic bonds between characters. And in that one, despite them being the ship, romance never became the main focus, but their relationship as teacher and student. The way Jiraiya brought out the humanity in her after leading a life of just being a tool. I think that's a form of love too that no amount of groping or sexing up can easily accomplish. Which is why, despite Jiraiya's nature and hobbies, it was never a thing that transpired between them. It's always life lessons on how to be a better human being, or how to handle difficulties in a world teeming with war. How to go about the future, and the responsibilities a master passes down to his student in case he departs for the afterlife. Jiraiya and Kiomi is literally the most wholesome thing I've experienced in RP. There are shipping jokes intertwined of course, because it's still a ship. Because Kiomi can be very thoughtless and say stupid things. So. She gets the lesson: Are you ready for the consequences of your insinuations?

I mean, look at the difference. From "I will kill you without a single thought" to "Hello, I can human now".

In her Fate verse, she is suffering. 😂 But is also learning how to human because as is, she wouldn't mind killing things so long as it's amusing. Plus her main servants are the Guda Guda servants. 😂 So like... This be the gang that promotes "murder is okay" (except for Ryouma. Murder is not okay) She does have a ship. Which is Izo. And her bestie is Nagayoshi. And she will kill for Nobunaga and Kicho (my friend's OC who is canonically Nobunaga's wife).

But her main servant is Mitsuhide. Look at her with her dumb Caster.

So yeah, like in terms of AoT.

In my main hc that's just for me... She love and tries to build a relationship with Reiner through whatever pinhole she can use to actually do that.

But in terms of RPs... I wonder what it'd be like. Who would she genuinely develop feelings for outside of a childhood crush? Would she gravitate to someone else? Would bonds become stronger? Would they not like each other? Would she have a change of heart? Who does she become friends with, what will she do when something important comes up?

I think about it so much.

But I also want Kristina to be friends with Jean so they can police their reckless boyfriend post rumbling... from accidentally hurting himself because it's sometimes automatic that he thinks he can still heal. Anyway. Guilty pleasure. Dont mind me.

[talenlee]

Decemberween ’23 — Behind The Bastards

I like depressing media, apparently.

Produced by Robert Evans and a bunch of other people I can’t immediately credit off the top of my head, Behind the Bastards is a podcast that releases about three episodes a week, with a standardised format of Robert, with research on hand, explaining a historical narrative about the worst goddamn people in history, both current and in the past, and the ways in which their ways of being have resulted in a suckier world. Evans’ particular style of journalism is extremely dry and sarcastic, but also seems to project just holding tight on a deeply white hot held rage about the world and the way it is.

And he podcasts about it, reading this story to a friend, who gets progressively more sad and upset over the course of the episode.

Because of the scope of Behind the Bastards, a podcast that releases something like three episodes every week, is so vast, I don’t recommend just grabbing a starting point and plowing through it. There are trends, subjects that the host, Robert Evans relies on, and they tend to be expressed in who he brings on board to talk to.

There’s a lot of general content warning stuff of course. I mean it’s a podcast about terrible people, so sexual assault, both of adults and children comes up. Genocide is pretty common, both in the big one everyone knows about (the Holocaust) but also all the other examples of it as executed in less holistic ways. Things like schools that sought to exterminate a language, that’s genocide. An attempt to sterilise a population based on racial lines? That’s a genocide too! And of course, all the talk about White Genocide is by people who want an excuse to kill all the nonwhite people which is also genocidal. Attempts to drive people out of the country they’re living in, like the ethnic cleansing in Syria? Oh that’s genocide too.

I guess what I’m saying is: You’re going to learn a lot about awful people.

There’s a real philosophy behind what constitutes being a bastard. What does it mean to be a completely arsehole? Some people in this podcast are thoughtless and stupid and make mistakes on minor scales, that nonetheless involve doing something really bastardly. Sometimes it’s people who are important in a massive, widespread way to a whole bunch of people you have no reason to think about in your day to day life. Like did you know the dictator of Turkmenistan built a golden statue of himself, but more handsome and jacked, and made it turn to always face the sun? Weird, huh? Bet you didn’t know Turkmenistan existed before now.

The result is a really interesting kind of mix of general world history, current events, journalistic ethics, deep dives into modern political figures, and sometimes, incredibly important things that the podcast can get you started on. It’s well-sourced, consistently thorough and open about its position on such things.

But if it’s a big dense podcast, with lots of threads to work from. Where to start?

All Fertility Doctors Are Bastards | BEHIND THE BASTARDS

Watch this video on YouTube

First of all, I recommend checking out the early episodes that Evans made with Billy Wayne Davis, which centre on themes of quack medicine. Billy Wayne has a particularly drawling delivery that presents an incredible sarcasm in response to Evans’ overreach. This thread will involve talking about balls.

Then there’s the times Dr Mister Cody, former Cracked Alumnus, and Katy… not-Stoll? Oh it’s Katy Stoll? And I could go back and edit it at any time and not have this extra clause in it? But I’m not? Anyway, those two, who make the Youtube Channel Some More News. Thing is, that’s really funny, is that these three, together, made me swear off Behind the Bastards on my first impression because the first time they showed up was on an episode where they made a bunch of jokes about the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It was in this episode that they called a ska band with multiple black members ‘the whitest band in the world,’ which I mean, look, like, Paramore? Brooks & Dunn? Most Yacht Rock? Reel Big Fish is right there.

I kidf you not, this opening of hearing them talking about Ska music as ‘the whitest thing’ just convinced me this was another group of people who huff their own farts and figure ‘if I haven’t heard of it, I can discard it as being inadequately leftist.’

Then Dicky Barrett came out as an anti-vaxxer and the Bosstones broke up over that, which, y’know, that sucks as well.

Eventually I needed some long form content and I saw there’s an early episode on King Leopold of Belgium, who sucked shit and I thought I’d check it out and give the show another chance. I’m really glad I did, I really enjoyed it!

What We Learned From Ben Shapiro's Racist Novel | BEHIND THE BASTARDS

Watch this video on YouTube

Oh yeah anyway, point is, they get in these two in to talk about reasonably current events, or going over things like Ben Shapiro’s attempts to write dramatic fiction. That’s funny!

But there’s also some more serious stuff, like roundtables and discussions of what it was like protesting the police in Portland, or the ways that outside agitators at the Unite The Right tried to manipulate leftists into giving the police an excuse. And of those, there’s my favourite, which is a two parter on the history of the Black Panthers, which was cohosted by a guy who grew up with Black Panthers in his household:

Part One: The Bastards Who Killed the Black Panthers | BEHIND THE BASTARDS

Watch this video on YouTube

If you like bastards, or more specifically if you hate bastards and want to confront the way that the world we live in is populated by and peopled by a tiny fraction of people who are complete shitheads. You get that right? Like, this isn’t ‘wow the world is fucked’ but rather ‘the ways the world are fucked are the result of people doing things, and those people are historically, underpunished and undercontrolled and maybe that doesn’t need to be permanent as a way to treat the world?

But you know, that’s just a thought.

Hey, do you own bolt cutters?

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[spicedrobot]

can i get uuuhhh, , jayvik at a party and jayce noticing someone getting handsy with viktor and intervening? thank u!!

(this won the poll, so here it is! :) Rated: T, mostly dumb boys pining kissing and Jayce being jealous)

-

Ostentatious gatherings are a mainstay in the life of an upper house protégé, but Jayce had never learned to enjoy them. Too much posturing, too many unwritten rules, time and energy squandered memorizing names and faces and an ever changing web of connections. But they’re a necessary evil, so he might as well make the most of it.

This gala had a special stipulation: a costume required for admittance, selected by one of the upper house elites. He subtly tugs at the getup. It’s tighter than he prefers: a crisp white button up, charcoal suspenders and trousers, a waistcoat with gold stitch, thigh high boots that creaked with each step. His mask covers nose to hairline, its crown emblazoned with a glowing, gold sun.

Jayce snatches a drink from a passing tray and checks his wristwatch, wondering how long it would take to make the rounds before he could leave. It’s harder to act the part of model citizen with the hexgates so close to completion, each night away a night wasted. There’s no point in putting off the inevitable. He takes a hearty sip of champagne, fixes a smile on his face, enters the fray.

It’s about as bad as he expects. The champagne’s nice at least, helps him through several bland conversations and not so subtle invites into backrooms and beds. He’s easing away from one such offer when something catches his eye. Jayce does a double take despite himself, knowing, more than anything, exactly who he’s spotted. He could recognize that silhouette anywhere.

A stupid grin spreads across his face. Had someone goaded Viktor in attending? He was a master at avoiding parties. Jayce had to ask him how he did it sometime.

Among the blinding gold and glitz, his partner cuts a striking figure. Clad in obsidian from mask to boot, his cane replaced by a winding, iron-worked staff.

It hits Jayce all at once. Replace the suspenders with a corset, the crescent moon with a sun, silver stitch to gold:

his outfit matches Jayce’s.

So distracted by Viktor’s appearance, Jayce doesn’t realize his partner’s talking to someone. He’s tall and broad, clad in a crimson three-piece suit that shimmers like scales. He’s close too, closer than he’s ever seen anyone be with Viktor.

Viktor says something, and the man laughs, slips his hand behind Viktor’s back. His partner jumps, but he doesn’t break contact. Smiles.

Jayce’s grip tightens on the stem of his glass.

He doesn’t realize what he’s doing until he’s doing it. The crowd is a blur around him. When he speaks, it’s thoughtless, single minded.

“May I have this dance?”

Viktor’s mask doesn’t hide how wide his eyes go at the question, the familiar stammering making Jayce smile despite the maelstrom whirling inside him.

“J-Jayce? Uh, well,” he nods to the crimson clad man. “Please excuse me.”

The words have barely left Viktor’s lips before Jayce takes him by the hand, gently leading him back through the crowd.

It was just the first thing that had popped into his head. He hadn’t really wanted anything besides—

“Jayce, are you okay?” Comes softly from behind.

His grip tightens minutely. Suddenly he’s lost the nerve to turn around.

“Yeah, I...everything’s fine. I just thought that you…”

Fuck. He can feel his face heating up.

“That I needed your intervention?” His partner says with faint amusement. “I wasn’t in any danger.”

“I, right of course. I was just je—just looking out for you, is all.” Jayce winces. What the hell was he about to say?

“Jayce.”

“Y-yeah?”

“We’re in the dance hall.” A pause. “Did you still want to dance?”

Jayce forces himself to exhale, long, and slow and undetectably, before turning around. It’s only then that he remembers he’s still holding Viktor’s hand, palm to palm, comfortable, warm.

This part of the estate is dimmer than the rest, candlelight glittering at the perimeter of the hall. The orchestra’s playing something slow and smooth, an aria Jayce thinks he’s heard somewhere before, sweet and swelling with longing. He can feel eyes on them. Apart, their costumes had no meaning. Together, they are opposites. Opposed but inseparable.

Viktor’s not quite looking at him, eyelashes low. This close, he can see how they lighten at the tips, how his lips shine, glossy and rouged.

“We’d have to go slow. I’m not, well...I’m not very light on my feet.”

“S’alright. Just lean on me.”

Jayce places his hand just below Viktor’s on his staff. He hesitates then, but Viktor laces their free hands together, draws them close to his chest, palms over his heart.

A moment between songs, a skip of a heartbeat. Jayce hopes his face isn’t as flushed as it feels.

The next song begins like a continuation of the first. They take small, slow steps, not quite finding rhythm for a few bars. Jayce’s hands are sweaty beneath his gloves. He’s not sure where to look: over Viktor’s shoulders are curious, watchful eyes, but a few inches lower is Viktor himself, his lips, his unadorned neck, the sharp lines of his body further heightened by the corset.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you dressed to the nines,” Jayce says. “You look good.”

Viktor blinks, tips his head up.

“Me?” He replies, light with disbelief. “You wear it much better.”

Their pace is slow in stark opposite to Jayce’s heartbeat.

“You think I’d look as good in a corset?” He says with as much tease as he can muster.

“Yes,” Viktor says, looking as shocked as Jayce when he agrees. “I do.”

A strange sort of giddiness swells in his chest, a little crazy, a little dangerous.

“Oh...uh, thank you.”

The song ends, but there’s no awkward retreat, no sheepish smiles or excuses. Another song begins, more soulful than the last. Jayce separates their hands, settles his grip gently against Viktor’s lower back, the hem of the corset distracting beneath his fingers, but no more so than Viktor leaning against him, his head brushing Jayce’s collarbone.

Jayce doesn’t know what he should say, doesn’t know what he should do. The music sounds far off, the audience non-existent, the pinpoints of warmth in each place they’re connected distracting. He can’t see Viktor’s face, only the top of his head. He wants to know what he’s thinking, if this strange, unnamable thing he’s feeling is mutual.

Jayce wishes absently that he’d had more to drink. Maybe then he could—what? Destroy the best thing he has going for him because he couldn’t stand to be this close and not want more—

Viktor’s looking at him. How long had he been doing that? Had he been staring back? What kind of face is he making?

“I can almost see the gears turning,” Viktor says with quiet amusement. “What are you thinking?”

Jayce’s leaning forward before he can think, transfixed by Viktor’s mouth parted in a little ‘o’, his eyes going wide, realization.

His lips meet gloved palm with a soft oof.

“Stop,” Viktor whispers furiously, the soft glow that had colored his cheeks gone blotchy and bright. “Kissing me in front of all these people…”

Jayce blinks, then he exhales in a rush. Of course, he should’ve known that would be a hangup for him. His lips brush against Viktor’s palm. His partner jolts.

He presses closer, he can’t help himself, whispers into Viktor’s ear.

“Could I kiss you somewhere else?”

“Anywhere else would be preferable,” Viktor says, sharp and soft at once.

His partner untangles himself from the embrace, the lack of him like a sting. Then a brush of fingers, a grip on the cuff of his shirt, Viktor leading him through the crowd.

The air outside is cool, refreshing after the perfumed warmth of the hall. The sky is clear, the moon full, the city skyline on full display.

Jayce doesn’t notice any of it as Viktor pulls him into the shadows of the colonnade. When he slots his body against his, it feels right, perfect. His lips are sweet from the gloss.

Locked against him, just out of public eye, as giddy as a teenager, Jayce can’t help but smile into each kiss, curl his arms around Viktor’s back, caressing the lacing along his spine.

“You really like it, don’t you?” Viktor says, just shy of breathless.

“I really like you.”

Viktor’s fingers clench against Jayce’s shirt. In the moonlight, Viktor glows, cheeks rosy, lips smeared and shining.

“For how long?”

It’s a question Jayce can’t even answer. Last week, when he had soundlessly finished one of Jayce’s equations without missing a beat? A year before, when they hugged for the first time during the grand opening of their lab? It had been a slow, gradual thing, incremental, unstoppable.

“Too long.”

Their lips meet again, hotter, deeper. The sharp bite of teeth against lips, aching to mark, to claim.

He won’t give Viktor an inch. If anyone noticed them, they’d only see Jayce’s back, a lucky, anonymous partner being kissed with barely a moment to gasp his name.

[illegiblewords]

Vent post. Seriously, big vent that touches upon several topics.

Sometimes I hate people a little bit. I don’t have a ton of creative mentors I can trust or look to for guidance. A lot of what I’ve learned has been through watching other storytellers from afar. Most of the mentors who I interacted with directly either left because life took us in different directions or wound up emotionally abusing me. The ones I looked up to from afar have often revealed themselves as criminals, unfathomable assholes, extremists, or otherwise creepy. Usually they didn’t start that way. Going through this has broken my heart a lot. It feels like mourning a death repeatedly, not because the people I looked up to weren’t perfect but because they wound up being so unbelievably awful. One of the only times I tried to tell a writer how much his work shaped my life for the better, when he was feeling doubtful about his stories--I think I upset him. It still makes me cry a lot if I think about it and I’m afraid to talk about the subject with him ever again. I tried to give him one of the most precious experiences I’ve had as a reader and creator so that in moments he questioned himself he could know he brightened at least one person’s world and changed my life for the better. I feel like he took it as something ugly, creepy, fawning, shallow, or thoughtless. And I feel like the fact that I’ve had so many horrible experiences that this creator DIDN’T fall into, that his being a positive influence mattered to me so much, is something shameful. I still don’t know what to do about this but it really hurts. Anyway. I’m loyal to the FFXIV developers for a lot of reasons. Some are because they’re passionate, thoughtful, skilled, creative and have worked their asses off on this game even when it’s hard. They also clearly care about their fans, the work they’re creating, and just haven’t been pieces of shit. They’ve been really professional, they act within the bounds of what I expect from regular law-abiding human beings, and the way they approach storytelling has helped me reconnect with the inspiration that got me into stories in the first place. I’m sure every single one of them has said something horrible to a loved one in private during their lifetime, or has an opinion I’d find crappy. I figure that’s just how it goes with people. But on the whole they’ve been incredibly decent, when I’ve learned decency isn’t something I can take for granted. The devs aren’t perfect. They fuck up their work sometimes, even massively. There have been cases it happened on a narrative front for me, or some play-based issue, or a character customization element, etc. For me though, they generally have been good about fixing mistakes and the overall experience has been UNBELIEVABLY better than what I’ve experienced elsewhere. It’s easy for me to go ‘of course I still like them’. I might be frustrated about something occasionally, but it’s not even comparable to fuckery I’ve encountered. I was a dumbass and tried to post on the FFXIV forums expressing that it’s important they fix some recent shit going on, but that the devs have still done a lot and are respected/appreciated for the good things they did too. I posted there because the devs read forums sometimes. I’ve been pretty removed but I figure they fucked up housing and hairs AND know they fucked up those things pretty bad. I remember how much stress was obviously caused by the EW delay too, so this must be terrible. If I was in that position I’d be losing my shit, so as a player I wanted to offer some reassurance. Like yeah, fix the problems--but they’re human beings. This will pass, take care of it and keep going. It’ll be okay. I would not have offered that kind of encouragement if I didn’t have so many other, positive experiences. And I really didn’t mean it toward the company but the people who have specifically worked to create this game that brought something good into my life. Stupid me didn’t check what other threads were going on, and it's been years since I was there last. Holy fuck people were dicks. The ‘if you’re not 100% with us you’re against us’ mentality was insane. Also, the obsession about toxic positivity seems to have turned into ‘any positivity or optimism in bad situations is toxic, only negativity is okay.’ I absolutely HATE polarization and extremes. I hate that believing something wasn’t okay and needs to be fixed can’t co-exist with ‘I still respect, appreciate, and am impressed by other stuff you did recently’. I hate the idea that still having such deep respect for a story means I can’t have any criticism for it. And the behavior people showed was over a fucking video game. There is so much heavy shit going on in the world, you’re seriously going to pour all of your rage into that? Not just yelling at game developers when you haven’t tried talking like a normal person yet, but lashing out at anyone who isn’t also yelling? I didn’t phrase things the best myself, and I did get hostile back. I shouldn’t have, but the nastiness was so fucking unnecessary. You’d think Square Enix broke into people’s houses and kidnapped their pets, with me arguing SE deserves the pets more. And it just didn’t matter if I said the issues are still important/need to be fixed, because I wasn’t angry enough about saying so. I was too gentle about it and that was offensive. It really felt like stumbling into an angry mob, and frankly I think mobs are some of the scariest and most disturbing things on the face of the earth. People got this idea that because I had good things to say about the devs that meant I didn’t think there were any valid complaints or that other people were allowed to complain and feel upset. It didn’t matter how many times I explicitly said otherwise either. I wasn’t an individual person with my own thoughts, experiences, or opinions. I represented all the ideas and behaviors they personally disliked. Just feel upset and like this whole thing was stupid.

[mmtions]

eddie diaz vs the pta fic is complete! now with bobby's guidance, some grovelling and some further possessive idiocy. (was finished day before yesterday lol but I forgot to promo it here too and then the tags were down)

-

Eddie lets out a frustrated exhale. “I just want to fix it. If no one tells me what the problem is, I can’t do that. I made a stupid comment, and it was a bit thoughtless, but I’ve apologised. Multiple times. Buck isn’t letting me fix things.”

“And what if it can’t be fixed?” Bobby looks genuinely interested in the answer.

“What?” Eddie’s brow scrunches. “That’s not possible. Of course, it can be fixed.”

Bobby takes a sip of his coffee. “We both know that’s not true. Sometimes relationships can’t be solved. Two people spin in different directions. They drift. They miscommunicate.”

“Okay, but Buck and I don’t miscommunicate, and we’re certainly not drifting away.” Eddie can feel his voice heat, which is probably not a good thing with his own Captain. “If we’re spinning anywhere, we’re spinning together.”

For some reason, that makes Bobby’s lips twitch at the corners. He hums.

Eddie sighs and leans back. “Okay, I get it. Or, I get that I’m not getting it. I’m sure it’s very funny from where you’re sitting.”

“I’m not laughing at you, Eddie. Really, I’m not.”

Eddie makes a disbelieving snort and drinks some of his latte.

[diamondcitydarlin]

I know I've talked before about how I don't really think it's due to try to hold the Nandermo pairing to ideological standards lest they aren't seen as a valid ship (there's a larger discussion here about holding queer / POC pairings in media to higher standards than we usually ever expect from white / het pairings) and something something this is a comedy show about vampires who routinely murder people etc etc, but I also wanted to say I think it's unfair to totally overlook the number of times both Guillermo and Nandor have made selfless sacrifices and decisions for the other's well-being just because 'sometimes Nandor is mean to him :(' . Off the top of my head I can recall:

- Nandor willingly, emphatically accepting a death sentence to spare Guillermo from being the Vampire Council's lunch, whereas if he had just let it happen they could have walked free

- Nandor rescuing Guillermo from zombie!Topher

- Nandor pulling Guillermo out of the line of fire from the Sire as he realizes this is his responsibility and Guillermo doesn't deserve to suffer for it

- Nandor refusing to turn Guillermo, not for selfish reasons, but because he can't bear to imagine him suffering in the same position, Guillermo deserves better than that, he decides

-When Nandor first discovers Guillermo's penchant for killing vampires he chooses to make it a personal secret between the two of them and ardently protects Guillermo from anyone finding out

- and of course basically everything guillermo does for the most part is with Nandor's best interest in mind

I mean, the essence of it is that this is a show about beings that routinely kill, maim, and eat people, while also being very whiny and loveably stupid, and part of the charm in watching them is seeing how they stumble and fuck up in their emotional expression and relationships before finally getting it right. They are selfish. They do shitty things to each other from time to time, but with every season grow closer as they learn more about what it means to be a team and a family. Watching them grow and learn how to care for each other in increasingly selfless ways is, again, part of the show's charm. It wouldn't be the same without it.

And silly as it sounds, there's realism to that. No relationship, friendship, close relationship between adults is ever going to be perfect or without issues. People who love each other argue. They can get on each other's nerves. They can do thoughtless things sometimes without realizing how it affects the other person. It's all about how those things are ultimately rectified and addressed. Looking for ideological perfection in ANY relationship is going to leave one empty-handed, I think. (ofc in Shadows these issues are a little exaggerated and supernatural-esque but you get what I mean lol)

Last point, something to ponder: Nandor and Guillermo are not yet in a romantic relationship and I don't think the ways they've navigated their master/familiar/best friend-ship is indicative of how that relationship will grow and change as they realize and embrace romantic feelings for each other, as things have already progressed immensely as is. The power balance has already tipped towards something far more equal than we saw in season one. Of all pairings, I think Nandermo deserves the time to grow and show us what they will become as a couple before the heavy hand of judgement claps down (ideally, it never will)

[eliemo]

Getting There

Part Two of The Worst Thing in the World

Summary: Logan says it will take some time. He promises the others will always be patient. Virgil knows this, he just wishes it wasn’t quite so easy to push him back over the edge. 

Masterpost

Notes: I plan on writing a bunch of these, so don’t worry! Janus and Remus’s reactions will come soon! 

Learned behavior, especially in cases like this, was incredibly hard to unlearn. Logan had made that very clear, many times, assuring Virgil that it was perfectly reasonable to have some occasional setbacks. 

A long talk and a cuddle session, while Patton’s go-to medicine, wouldn’t magically fix all their problems. 

Logan had insisted on pulling all four of them aside the next day, delving into research and tactics to use to ensure Virgil felt safe, to gradually undo the damage that  had been done. 

Patton and Roman had been listening intently, nodding along, sure to pause and ask for Virgil’s input whenever it was needed, holding his hand and making sure he was never overwhelmed. 

There were some...unpleasant phrases thrown around during the talk. Abuse, trauma, conditioning...it all felt like something dirty. Like he was tainted, broken. 

And of course they knew what he was thinking, they were all so kind and attentive, so openly worried, quick to reassure and comfort.  

It helped, but...but still. Virgil was still struggling to wrap his head around the fact that all the things he went through, all the things he’d been taught were normal and expected weren’t...weren’t ok. That it wasn’t normal. 

He’d deserved it. That’s what they told him. He went through all of that pain because that was just the way it was, and there was no other choice. 

Had he really been stupid enough, pathetic enough to just believe that and let it all happen? If he was so easy to take advantage of, so easy to hurt, then why wouldn’t the light sides end up doing the exact same thing, no matter how well meaning they were in the beginning? 

He knew it was stupid and unfair to have those thoughts. And to make it worse, he knew they knew he was thinking it. 

They wouldn’t do that. They’d sworn it to him too many times to count. Like Logan said it was just...going to take some time to believe it. 

And things did get better. Slowly. He might not have even realized progress was being made if it weren’t for the less than subtle praise the three of them kept offering, the pride and hope that was impossible to miss. 

As embarrassing as it was, being practically applauded for something as small as  forcing himself not to fall into a desperate string of apologies for bumping into someone’s shoulder, he couldn’t deny that it helped to some extent. 

He did wish he was doing a little better, though. Sometimes he had to force himself not to flee if someone was in a bad mood, silently remind himself that no one was going to hurt him, that he didn’t need to be afraid, didn’t need to protect himself and hide. 

It didn’t always work. 

And there were always going to be slip ups. Little mistakes and thoughtless behavior that Virgil would never hold against the others. They were trying so hard and like Patton had said, mistakes were part of being human. 

There had been a...particularly bad day during a rather stressful filming week. Their schedule was finally allowing them all a bit of a break, and Virgil had taken up residence in the living room for the afternoon, lost in his own head in a futile attempt to relax. 

He hadn’t even realized he’d left some things strewn around. Just a few pillows and blankets- it wasn’t a big deal, he’d clean it up before he headed back up to his room like he usually did. At the time, he was too tired to really give it much thought. 

And then Roman had stalked through the living room, nose buried in his notes, mumbling something under his breath. He was clearly swarmed with the work Thomas needed from him, lost in thought and stress, and on his way to the kitchen he’d stumbled over one of the pillows. 

Virgil smirked and sat up with the intent of calling the Prince a clutz, hopeful that their familiar banter could reduce some of the tension from the workload, but Roman beat him to it. 

“Jesus, Virgil will you clean up your mess?” He snapped, kicking the pillow aside. “I don’t have time to be tripping over your stuff!” 

And then he was gone, disappearing into the kitchen, and Virgil had...froze. 

It was fine. He knew it was ok, he knew…

But all of that had disappeared in a second, all rational thought drowned out by cold, all consuming fear and memories, harsh realizations that Roman was angry- angry at him, and Virgil had left a mess, and whenever he’d left a mess before he’d been punished--

That snapped him out of his shock, instinct and panic taking over, and he threw himself from the couch and dropped to the floor, gathering everything into a pile and frantically trying to fold the blankets with trembling hands. 

It was fine, it was fine, it was fine. He’d made a stupid mistake but he could fix it. It would hurt less if he just cleaned it up. 

God why wouldn’t his hands stop shaking? His chest was aching, his grip weak and unsteady. It took far too long to get the blankets folded, and when it was finally done the end result was uneven and lumpy, nothing that would get him out of any trouble. 

He didn’t even know when he’d started crying, fear and hopelessness setting in all at once, but suddenly he was sobbing, breaths quick and ragged as he desperately tried to smooth out the blankets, refusing to focus on getting a hold of his breathing until it was fixed, until the room was clean and Roman didn’t have to be angry anymore—

“Kiddo?” 

Oh no. No no no, he wasn’t ready for anyone else to see what he’d done yet. It was still a mess, he’d still left everything a mess and he was a mess, and he was just going to make them more upset with him and then it would be worse. 

“Virgil.” There was someone kneeling beside him, and it took him a moment to realize it was Patton. “What’s wrong?” 

Virgil shook his head, knowing Patton was looking over the mess Virgil had created, growing just as angry as Roman. 

“I-I’m cleaning,” he managed, wincing when his voice came out a pathetic, weak stammer. “I d-didn’t mean to- mean to leave it a m-mess, I was- I was gonna clean it up, I didn’t mean to upset him, I didn’t--” 

“Hey, it’s ok.” Patton’s hands were suddenly over his own, squeezing gently to stop Virgil from frantically trying to fix the wrinkles, the folded blankets still not even remotely acceptable. “Breathe, honey. Can you look at me?” 

Virgil obeyed almost immediately, not willing to risk making anybody anymore angry than they already were, trying to stop his ragged sobs to no avail. 

“There you go, kiddo. Can you take some deep breaths for me?” 

Virgil shook his head. “I- I can’t, I have to fix it, I- I’m trying to clean it up, I promise.” 

“It’s ok,” Patton said again. “It looks fine, Virge. You know it doesn’t need to be perfect.” 

“Yes it does,” Virgil argued, because he knew it did. He was already in trouble, making it perfect and spotless was the only way to lessen the inevitable punishment. “I already made him mad and he’s gonna- he’s gonna...I have to fix it, I have to--” 

“Nobody’s going to do anything to you, Virgil.” Patton frowned, moving Virgil’s shaking hands from the pile of blankets. “Who do you think is mad at you?” 

And for a second, Virgil wasn’t even sure. Just for a second, he almost said another name, too many memories overlapping. 

But then it cleared slightly, and he was only blinded by the current panic of what he’d done, still unable to fully grasp what was being said to him. 

“R-Roman, he...I didn’t realize that he wanted it clean I-I didn’t know and I ruined it and he’s upset and he’ll--”

“Slow down, kiddo,” Patton said, for some reason looking even more distressed when Virgil snapped his mouth shut, watching the moral side with wide, wary eyes. “Roman’s a bit distracted today, I’m sure he isn’t upset. He probably doesn’t even realize.”

Virgil hadn’t even noticed until Patton frowned down at their hands, but he’d been desperately fighting against the other side’s hold, frantically trying to go back to smoothing out the blankets without even realizing. 

“Here,” Patton said, gently easing him back. “How about I go get Roman, and then we can--”

“No!” Virgil had ripped his arms out of Patton’s grip, scrambling backwards without any clear thought of what he was doing. “N-no, no Patton, please let me finish, let me just try, I can do it I swear, he doesn’t have to be upset, I can be better, I can fix it please--” 

“Honey,” Patton tried, and Virgil knew he was scaring him but he couldn’t seem to stop. “You’re ok. I promise. Remember what we said? You’re safe with us.” 

Virgil curled in on himself, hunched over on the living room floor, mind scrambling desperately to latch on to what Patton was saying, trying and continuously failing to make sense of the warped reality his panic had created. 

“Please don’t get him yet,” he found himself begging. “Please, not while he’s angry, please, he’ll hurt me, I don’t want him to hurt me again.” 

And that was when Virgil had known, both he and Patton, that he wasn’t talking about Roman anymore. 

But he didn’t stop his pleading, and Patton didn’t even hesitate, carefully lowering himself beside Virgil who forced himself not to flinch away. 

The thought of fleeing to hide briefly crossed his mind. Patton would eventually call Roman in, and Roman would see the mess Virgil still hadn’t cleaned up, and he’d still be angry. 

Virgil had tried hiding before. It didn’t always work, and it often led to worse punishment once he was caught, but on the off chance that he got away, the anger had usually faded by the time he resurfaced. 

Usually. It often wasn’t worth the effort. 

“You’re ok,” Patton said again, pulling him from his thoughts. “I’m right here. I won’t let anyone hurt you, Virgil. Ever again. Can you breathe with me, please?” 

Virgil nodded, something screaming at him to obey, just do what they wanted and it would be ok…

It took an embarrassingly long time for Patton to talk Virgil down, for Virgil to even remember where he was, what exactly he was so afraid of. 

But it all came back, slowly, the real world filtering in around the panic, the soothing voices, the gentle reminders that he wasn’t in any danger. 

Oh. Great, he’d done it again. 

It took Virgil a second to come back fully, blinking as he registered Patton sitting beside him, watching with wide, teary eyes. 

Oh, god. 

“I’m sorry,” he managed, now for an entirely new reason. “I’m ok Patton, I just thought...fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out like that.” 

“Language, kiddo,” Patton said softly. “You don’t need to be upset with yourself, and you have nothing to apologize for.” 

Virgil’s breathing was still too shallow, his chest aching with each gasp, and before he knew it he was reaching for Patton, letting himself melt into the other side’s embrace. 

He managed to keep himself from crying again, just barely, closing his eyes against Patton’s ever soothing words of comfort and safety. 

They’d been down this road too many times by now, some days worse than others, and Virgil had no idea how long his family was going to put up with this. Their patience seemed endless, but everyone had their limit. 

“I’m trying,” he said after a moment, desperately needing Patton to understand. “I’m trying, Pat. I‘m trying so hard to be better, I swear I’m trying, I don’t want to keep doing this but I just--”

“You’re making more progress than you think, kiddo,” Patton said, cutting off his frantic rambling. “And we’ve already told you, there’s no rush. It’s gonna take time, and that’s ok. We aren’t going anywhere.”

They’d all told him that at some point. Told him he was getting there, that it wasn’t his fault when he slipped up, that they wouldn’t give up on him. 

They’d all promised, all in their own way. Virgil only wondered if they’d realized just what it was they were signing up for. 

He didn’t get a chance to respond before Patton was carefully pulling away, smiling almost apologetically. 

“I’m going to get Roman now.” He frowned at the way Virgil’s shoulders tensed, eyes cast downward. “I’ll tell him what happened. But we can’t just leave these things unaddressed, you know that.” 

He did know. Logan had said it enough times, along with countless other tactics and behaviors to help Virgil that never seemed to work. 

Nothing ever worked. He couldn’t even recover properly. 

But when he nodded miserably Patton just gave another small smile, squeezing his hand before standing from the couch and hurrying into the kitchen. 

It couldn’t have been more than five minutes, Virgil left to hunch over himself beneath his pulled up hood and press into the corner of the couch, when there was the sound of footsteps rushing towards the living room. 

He managed not to flinch, just glanced up and watched as Roman practically came barreling into the room, eyes wide and face flushed. 

Princey looked like he wanted to rush across the room to Virgil’s side without a second more of hesitation, but a glance back at Patton in the doorway stopped him in his tracks. 

“Virgil, I-I’m so sorry.” He was breathless, and Virgil’s throat felt tight at the waver in his voice. “I should have known...I wasn’t even thinking--” 

“It’s ok,” Virgil said, willing his hands to stop shaking, pushing down the cruel, nagging voice shouting warnings in the back of his mind. “Really, Roman. It was a stupid overreaction. It’s on me.” 

Roman took a careful step forward, only moving the rest of the way to the couch when Virgil didn’t immediately tense up or move away. 

“I am sworn to protect you,” he said, voice oddly small as he lowered himself beside Virgil. “I was stressed and distracted- but that's no excuse. I should never have allowed myself to do or say anything that could make you feel unsafe.” 

Virgil let out a trembling sigh, the obvious guilt in Princey’s eyes like a punch to the gut, so painfully undeserved, and all his fault. 

He took Roman’s hand, noting how the creative side almost instantly relaxed at the physical contact. “You were stressed, and you just asked me to pick up my things off the floor. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.” 

“And I shouldn’t have been so aggressive,” Roman said. “You have no reason to be ashamed of your reaction, especially with the stress you’re under. I promise it won’t happen again, Virge.” 

The reassurances, as always, settled something in Virgil’s chest, breaths coming a bit easier, a weight gradually lifting from his shoulders. But it still just felt...wrongly placed. 

“It’s ok if it does,” he said, finding himself leaning against Roman’s side. “We’re...learning, right? All of us? It’s- it’ ok if we have slip ups. It happens.” 

Logan had said something similar to all of them countless times before, his words of course were much more steady and eloquent, but Virgil knew Roman would recognize the words for what they were. 

“You’re right.” Roman still sounded unconvinced, but Virgil couldn’t bring himself to dwell over it too much when he was being pulled close, once again enveloped in strong, safe arms. “And we’re getting there. Together.” 

It wasn’t the first slip up that had sent Virgil back into that awful, panicked state, and it definitely wasn’t the last. 

It was stupidly easy to trigger him back into that mindset, convinced he was too much, that he’d done something horrible, that he would be punished and hurt accordingly. 

He was assured it was ok, that it was “normal” to react like this after going through the things he had, but Virgil was almost sure he was taking an absurdly long time to show any improvement. 

But then again...maybe that wasn’t entirely true. 

Improvement could be so slow, so small, that maybe the bad just sometimes happened to overshadow the good. 

The first time Virgil really noticed it, he’d been finishing up putting away some clean dishes, Logan setting the table for dinner while Patton and Roman idly chatted over their cooking. 

“Virgil?” Logan called. “Those glasses actually go in the other cabinet to your right. Do you mind moving them?” 

Right, he’d known that. “Oh, yeah. Sure.” 

It was only a few cups, and he wordlessly moved them to the next shelf over before closing the cabinet and making his way over to the couch until dinner was ready. 

Or at least...that was what he planned on doing before realizing that everyone in the kitchen was staring at him. 

They were trying to be sneaky about it, but Virgil could very clearly see everyone was watching him with wide, poorly hidden smiles, looking ridiculously giddy like he’d just announced he’d won the lottery. 

What the hell? 

“Uh, guys?” he asked. “Everything ok?” 

Logan was the first to speak, and Virgil wondered if he was imagining the pride radiating from the logical side. 

“Everything is satisfactory, Virgil,” he said, reaching forward and squeezing the other’s shoulder.. “Thank you for doing the dishes.” 

Before Virgil could even consider calling him back as he walked away, Patton let out a noise that could only be described as a squeal, practically flinging himself forward to envelope the anxious side in a tight hug. 

“I am just so gosh darn proud of you, kiddo!”

“I- what?” 

Even Roman was looking like he was forcibly holding himself back from joining in, and the Prince was actually bouncing on the balls of his feet, smiling so wide Virgil felt something in his stomach swoop. 

“Give him some space, Patton,” Logan spoke up, having stopped to watch from the doorway. “You responded extremely well to my request, Virgil, but apologies if we overwhelmed you.” 

As Patton pulled away, Virgil once again opened his mouth to ask what on earth everyone was so happy about, before it suddenly dawned on him. 

He’d put the dishes in the wrong cabinet, a mistake that had been pointed out by another side. 

It was exactly the sort of thing that would send him into a panic, make him lose himself in a fit of frantic apologies, paranoia and anxiety rising up to choke him, to send him under a wave of regression. 

But...that hadn’t happened this time. 

It hadn’t even occurred to him to apologize. No panic, no fear, no flood of memories and guilt. Just a simple mistake that he’d quickly corrected and then promptly forgotten about. 

And he still didn’t feel the need to apologize or get out of the enclosed space. 

Huh. 

“See? I told you,” Roman said, leaned up against the kitchen counter. “We’re getting there, Stormcloud.” 

And...yeah. Virgil supposed he was right. It was slow, sometimes almost invisible, but that really didn’t matter. They were getting there.  

[whatgaviiformes]

The Personal Trash

Okay, I needed the catharsis of writing this out, but I am throwing it under a read more because I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this. Family shit below

I feel like before I start I have to say first I love my husband very much and am continually excited by the life we are and have been building together, and the only goddamn constant in these circumstances is that he is my best friend always. 

The second part of this before I jump in is that his mother, my mother-in-law lives with us, and there are parts of this story I can’t tell because it’s her story and I am not that kind of person.  One of the things I love about him is his loyalty to family. I am the same way. Living with elders does not make me bat an eyelid - they’ve taken care of us, it feels comforting that we can take care of them.

But I need to share the context of our home - it’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse with the three of us, three dogs, with almost every space shared. One kitchen, one living room. It’s a small place. My husband purchased the house in September 2014, and it was around when we started dating. One of our first outings was his housewarming. It was, and still is, a starter home. 

So since he’s had the home, I’ve been around - starting with a weekends, back and forth, and finally a moved in in 2017, married in 2019, and now we are here. Four years later. 

We’ve talked upsizing, getting an in law place if we can. But the housing market is a sellers market at the moment, and things have been good. For four years. 

For four years, the family unit has been the three of us. We’ve all contributed in different ways, and in that time, MIL has retired, husband has switched jobs a few times, and mine has been constant. And I *adore* my job. But it keeps me incredibly busy, overwhelmed often. Work-life balance is a bit of a joke for sure. Like anywhere there are days that I’ve gotten off work and cried. Or, checked out mentally that I couldn’t engage in other things. It’s can be intense, but its rewarding. And there was a period through the past few years where I was the source of income keeping our heads above water. And we were - we were fine.  But it put a lot of stress on me.

In the meantime there have been some health issues - which I will gloss over. Not my story. But MIL has had few different things, on top of us worrying about COVID. We’ve taken her to some different appointments and such.  

We had one such scare two weekends ago, and it kind was a catalyst to a bunch of other stuff that I’ve been dealing with behind the scenes lately. So on Sunday, husband and I went to the grocery store (she was supposed to go on a trip for four days or so) so we were going to use the opportunity to cook a few things together, and we needed to replenish. We were about to grab lunch, and called to see if she wanted anything, and she told him then she wanted to be taken to the hospital. She told us a few days earlier she was having some problems, but only mentioned to my husband that she was worried this might happen. But to me this forewarning was not mentioned, and I was only told because he advised her that she needed to be upfront of what was going on. (For the record, she still was vague). 

This ^ will be a theme.

So we skipped lunch, came back home, I unloaded the food and started putting stuff away because he and I agreed that’s what we do and I told him to keep me updated, and she left without saying anything to me or vice versa.  Husband comes home because COVID means you can’t stay with anyone. Also no beds, so it took awhile (F*CKING GET VACCINATED PEOPLE SO PEOPLE WHO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AREN’T LAID UP FOR YOUR STUPIDITY  -alsoyesiknowthereareotherreasonspeopleareinthehospitalforcovidjustgivemethisimfrustrated)

11:30 PM that night we picked her back up. It was late, I was tired.  A few days later she tells us that she had a lot of time to think while at the hospital, and tells us she is going to move out. 

First - you know what we did while she was in the hospital? We freaking worried.  Okay - so all of that is facts, details, and I’ve gotten you caught up to the this-happened-then-this-happened. The rest of this is feelings so buckle the fuck up

Husband  - immediately lashes out because he doesn’t like the reasons (still doesn’t) and I find out that there was a conversation the day before between the two of them I wasn’t a part of  - and he felt because she was not being honest with me, he was forced to have to lie to me, his wife, and didn’t like that feeling. 

Me -  feeling confused, a little like this is out of left field, and only not completely surprised because this has happened before with husband telling me, and then it never happening, we misunderstanding. and more times than not it never made it from her mouth to my ears. Also it was never for *this* reason. See how this escalates more  below.

Husband- “I had to learn to live with strangers, and you just can’t stand not being in control” Me -  so wait I am a stranger now?

Husband - do you even like my wife...

and so on. So apparently everything I thought I knew about our home changed in the course of this conversation. What I was able to get out of the cacophony of chaos is that I am insensitive because I don’t interact with her the way she expects me to? And she feels like she’s intruding all the time, despite us assuring her she’s not, inviting her to game nights, and in general sharing in the things that you do as a family like vacations and dinners.  And the more we argued, the more little things came out and little clues.  She’s mentioned leaving before, almost on a 6 month cycle, and the last time was this one -  

So like... when we got Della, and three days in she was like “If they don’t get along I’m going to take Dino and my own place” and so   like... hold up, you can’t just throw away a comment like that. They’ve barely gotten a chance to know each other. (they are fine by the way. Della is a puppy and gets in his face a bit, but she’s still learning. They play, sleep together fine, and we are constantly taking care of the fur kids).

And from what I get from the comments to leave  - because shit there’s still so many pieces to this I feel like I am missing -she will rationalize other reasons like the dog example above.

So when this happens it sends my husband in a spiral, he tells me because she won’t say anything, and the one time we did try to have a conversation about it, she shut down and made it sounds like he misunderstood and made him out to be the asshole. Then in the same breath tell him its not his job to fix everything as a stab at me, but like continue to talk only to him when it involves everyone.

I don’t know if that makes sense. A lot happens without me involved.

So then  - those clues - the hints that all of this is really about me: 

health - i stopped asking because she stopped telling me things, so how am I supposed to know what she can and can’t do. but im at fault for like... not asking.  but she’s not telling.

home - apparently my understanding and my husbands understanding about the stuff she does around the house  - some cleaning, groceries (we pay for) and loading dishwasher, cooking sometimes,. We thought she liked doing them to help around the house, and she’s never told us differently. EDIT- no, she’s told us she likes to help. Cue - you can stop right there, I am an adult and I never asked you to clean up after me.  

I feel like whatever feelings she has for me started a long time ago, and  she continued to let them harbor instead of talking to me about it, until it got to the point where it couldn’t really be solved.

I mean, I am not lacking the self-awareness to recognize that, yeah, I can be messy, and yeah, I can be single minded. There are days where my husband is talking me and I just space answering him because I can’t or or I just mentally lose it in processing.

I am seeing this mirror reflected back at me of like - I have all these expectations for you, and you are a problem and, but like.... it kind of goes both ways? And I feel like you’ve made these circumstances yourself? And if  you want to leave that’s fine, but its not from our doing? 

And so in the end *I* feel like I am the one under scrutiny for everything I do or say and how I interact in my home. And it feels like selfishness, and self-victimizing behavior that I’ve seen time and time again, and I don’t really see a way out. 

So husband just wants to keep the family together, he’s taking this to heart - its his mom, and there are feelings there about how they’ve provided for each other. He would feel differently if they got the house and she moved in with him under the notion that she was going to save, get her own place. But it wasn’t, and so he has this weight on his shoulders for it, for failing in some way.

And I  - well. I didn’t really realize the family unit we had wasn’t working... at least to that extent and that it stemmed from me and I’m really hurt by it. Aside from the stuff above, I am really easy going - I try to give everyone space, and make everyone happy. I shut down if I am processing something. I’ve never intentionally tried to make her feel unwelcome. I’ve invited her to my family vacations, we’ve all equally enjoyed dinner’s out. 

And though I’d be willing to try to do better, i am absolutely livid that this conversation waited until it was at its worst. So now I don’t really want to try to do better because I am mad and hurt, and don’t feel like my sacrifices or contributions are being acknowledged, nor do I think she will do the same thing to be self-reflective and recognize her own part of all this. And above all things, I truly hate to be misunderstood. And I will completely shut down under that kind of self-victimizing behavior and thoughtlessness to other people. I don’t want to lose myself over this, in my own home.

So neither path is really an easy or right solution. She moves out, husband loses a bit of respect in her and the relationship they have.. She stays, recognizing your own part in lack of communication is a long term thing, and I have to feel this awkward limbo for that whole process.. if it  even gets there.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells constantly. 

I should never have to question if a “Hello” will be taken the right way and that’s how i fucking feel.