#Of course he will sometimes do thoughtless and stupid things

[wonderfull-star]

I like that face Dev makes.

He just a smol baby 🥺

[pomefioredove]

I— 'Don't bite your lip, I want to do that' with Jamil possibly? 🥺 I swear that would straight up kill me (in a good way)

I hope you have a good day!

oooh... this one is interesting

summary: "Don't bite your lip, I want to do that" type of post: short fic characters: jamil additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is not specified to be yuu, BRIEF mention of blood, a little kissing, fluffy, not proofread aaand maybe a little ooc

You are the personification of bad habits.

At first, Jamil avoided you; he thought he had done enough babysitting, and the last thing he needed was to worry himself over your love of biting your nails.

...And then, of course, he caved.

He couldn't just avoid you forever, and if he was going to be your friend anyway, he might as well have tried.

So, Jamil has learned a lot about you in these past few months.

For one, when you're nervous, no amount of verbal reminders will prevent you from fidgeting.

And, for another, you responded shockingly well to physical touch.

It became a habit of his. Away from prying eyes, he'd hold your hands to prevent you from picking your cuticles and tuck your hair behind your ears so you wouldn't chew on it.

He fussed over you in ways not even he understood, but that didn't matter.

He liked the feeling that came with being the leader between the two of you.

There was just one thing he couldn't seem to fix.

"Stop that," Jamil says, running his thumb over your lower lip. He sighs, seeing the blood beading from where you'd bitten.

He takes up a handkerchief, dabbing at your lip.

"There are better ways to deal with your anxiety than taking it out on yourself," he mutters. He would know.

"Sorry,"

"It's not worth apologizing over," Jamil says. "Don't let your thoughts get the best of you. They're supposed to serve you, not..."

He pauses, withdrawing the handkerchief.

"I just wish you'd stop doing that,"

"I can't help it," you say.

He knows that already, he thinks. That's why he's trying to help.

He frowns. Being so worried over someone he has no obligation to worry over is a new feeling, but not an unwelcome one.

It's just... difficult.

"You're too thoughtful for your own good, sometimes," but it's not like he's complaining. It's a welcome break from the thoughtlessness he deals with elsewhere.

Jamil knows it's your first instinct to bite and pick and peel; he's also confident he'll find a way to train you out of it.

Maybe...

No. What a stupid thought. Holding hands is one thing, occupying your lips to dissuade you is another.

"What are you thinking about?" you ask.

Ugh. "Nothing. A solution,"

"I want to hear it," you seem quite adamant. He sighs.

"I thought that if occupying your hands has worked for in the past, that the same might be true of your lips... but that's clearly not as easy,"

You're quiet. Probably thinking, and then overthinking.

"Well... why not? Why not kiss me, I mean?"

Jamil almost drops the handkerchief. Maybe you weren't overthinking this time, after all.

"...Because this is not some silly movie where I say something like... "don't bite your lip, I want to do that", or something equally embarrassing,"

You seem to hold back a giggle, much to his chagrin. "Maybe you should. Maybe it would work,"

"...You're not serious,"

You nod. Sevens, you are turning out to be a handful today. Much more so than usual.

Still...

He sighs. "Fine, but only because you insist,"

A long silence follows. Jamil studies your expression, almost looking for a hint of deceit, but... it's just you.

Genuinely caring about others is such a headache.

He hesitates, and then leans in, pressing a short but sweet kiss to your mouth. It tastes like blood. Not that he minds.

Keeping a cool facade after that is harder than he expected, and it takes him a minute to pull himself together.

At least you look happy with yourself.

Despite his internal embarrassment, he can't help but smile at the thought.

"Distracting enough?"

You're quiet, lost in thought... and then you nod. "I would say so. I guess your theory was right all along,"

Jamil feels a little swell of pride, both at the praise and at the soft look on your face.

"Hm. They often are,"

[misscrawfords]

I was listening to Pride and Prejudice on my drive back from my mother's today and it's been so long since I've actually read the novel as opposed to engaged with one or other adaptation...

Goodness, it's good, isn't it? And Elizabeth is so much more complex a character than she is often presented in adaptations.

The thing that was standing out to me today - I was listening to from when Mr. Collins proposes to Charlotte and I stopped just when Elizabeth was talking to Colonel Fitzwilliam at Rosings - was the chapter which is just Jane and Elizabeth talking about Bingley. This gets cut from adaptations or so condensed to be meaningless, but it's incredible. It's just a whole chapter of the sisters chewing over why Bingley ghosted Jane (for lack of a better term) and what Caroline's motivations were and the thing that gets me is that they're both right. Jane is right that Bingley can't be blamed for being a friendly young man and that he had no malicious intentions but Elizabeth is also right that young men can be thoughtless in their dealings with women who have less freedom than them and their thoughtlessness can do real hurt. (She's also right about Caroline, of course.) It struck me as such a modern issue. Maybe I've just been thinking about the unwitting hurt that thoughtless young men can cause recently, but everything is so complicated. Bingley is a flake who makes a mistake with regards to Jane but he's also a genuinely lovely young man who makes it right in the end - he's still on his own journey through life which he will continue with Jane. Jane herself lets her desire to see the best in others cause her to see friendship where it isn't, but being deceived in a friend is not so uncommon, is it? And she's not stupid or weak. Heck, she endures her heartbreak being talked about openly by her mother in public for months silently and without rancour. And she does it all without ever resenting Bingley! Jane's the strongest character in the whole novel and an inspiration to the rest of us - FIGHT ME on this!

The other thing I really picked up on was what an important moment in Elizabeth's character development Charlotte's engagement is. It actually kind of breaks my heart - her best friend makes a life choice that she can't support but has to and nothing will ever be the same again between them. It's the first dent into Elizabeth's world view that forces her to see that people are different from her and can make different decisions and this is okay and not just something she can laugh at. It's so relatable in terms of life events - when a close friend marries and then when they have a baby, these things absolutely still do alter friendships. Elizabeth gets over it and even enjoys seeing Charlotte in Hunsford but we are frequently reminded by the narrator that the previous confidences they enjoyed will never be the same again. It's a really big moment for Elizabeth and really the first event in the novel to start to shake her foundations of her comfortable existence. The other two are Bingley's desertion of Jane and Wickham's decision to pursue Mary King over her. By the time she goes to Hunsford, she is prepared in a way for the final massive shock to the foundations of The World According to Lizzy Bennet, not that she knows it. Such is growing up.

And OMG Lady Catherine is SO vulgar and inappropriate! She is a direct parallel to Mrs. Bennet and the rest of the Bennets. Just as Elizabeth feels accute embarrassment at the Netherfield Ball, Mr. Darcy is feeling exactly the same at Rosings. Beautifully done. But their awareness of what is appropriate behaviour is something that unifies Darcy and Elizabeth even if Darcy massively fails to behave like a human around Elizabeth. Pride and Prejudice is such an expose and examination of "how to behave in social situations". There is nobody who doesn't come under scrutiny and pretty much every type of behaviour is gone over with a fine tooth comb.

Sometimes I feel almost ashamed when people ask me what my favourite novel is and I say "Pride and Prejudice" because it's such a damn cliche. I should say something heavier or more obscure or at least I should say it's Persuasion, the "thinking girl"'s favourite Austen. But P&P is so special to me on so many levels and you know what? It is a MASTERFULLY written book.

[sleepingdeath-light]

fire spirit cookie + segmented smut alphabet ; 18+

requested by ; anonymous

letter prompt ; k / kinks

pairing ; fire spirit cookie x gender neutral reader insert

masterlist ; here

part of my valentine’s day event

minors and ageless blogs will be blocked

K — Kinks

some of their kinks

Fire Spirit Cookie is a pretty kinky person and it would take all day to list all of the things he’s into, so for simplicity’s sake I’ll just list ten of them:

Temperature Play — this almost goes without saying, but fire spirit cookie is more than happy to use his abilities to engage in heat-related forms of play with you in the bedroom. and, sure, he’s always extremely careful not to actually burn you but that doesn’t stop him from being playful and jesting about burning you to a crisp just to get a reaction out of you.

Sensory Deprivation — blindfolds, gagging, suspension, earplugs, he just loves to leave you guessing at what he’s going to do next and sensory deprivation is the easiest way for him to do that. there’s just something about the way you look when he catches you truly off guard that just gets him going…

Dom / Sub Dynamics — he’s big into set dynamics like this, and specifically he loves being able to dominate you as his partner (bonus points if you’re on the bratty side and put up a fight/make him work for your submission, but he can also appreciate a naturally submissive partner all the same).

Marking Kink — fire spirit cookie is extremely possessive and wants everyone to know that you’re taken by him at first glance, which lends itself to a very prominent marking kink. and he doesn’t just stop at simple hickeys and burns on the visible parts of your body like your neck and legs, no, he’ll happily spend hours marking up every inch of your body so that there’s no room to doubt exactly who you belong to.

Marathon Sex — he has a lot of stamina and gets off on how easy it is for him to wear you out. it just really strokes his ego, is all… that and he cannot get enough of you and marathon sex means he gets to indulge in you for longer than usual, which he’s never going to say no to…

Praise Kink — fire spirit cookie has a pretty substantial ego and nothing gets him hotter under the collar than you appealing to his ego by showering him in praise. bonus points if that praise happens to revolve around how much you love his cock, but he’s not picky and can work with whatever you give him.

Begging — this one is pretty self explanatory but, yeah, he just likes hearing you beg all needily for him. again, bonus points if you’re begging him to fuck you properly or if you combine your begging with praise but he’ll take what he can get.

Overstimulation — he loves making you feel good and he loves proving to you (and to himself) that he is the best lover you will ever have, and overstimulation is just one of many many ways that he goes about doing that. it also happens to be the most frequent since he tries to get you completely and utterly fucked out whenever you’re in his bed… so, yeah, hope you like cumming…

Humiliation — this ties in with his begging kink because he can get mean as hell in his efforts to get you to that point, and humiliation is just a natural consequence of all of that. having you flustered, crying, needy, and willing to anything to get him to touch you is just so unbelievably hot to him that sometimes he just can’t help himself. though, of course, he’s always mindful to never cross the line with you (he’s an asshole, not a monster).

Dumbification — he loves fucking you stupid and will take every given opportunity to dick you down until you’re all thoughtless and limp and drooling. bonus points if you wear makeup that he can mess up, but as long as he gets to see you all messy and cock-drunk he’s content.

[middle-earth-press]

Exclusive: Interviews With The Kin And Friends Of Beren Barahirion!

Rian, daughter of Belegund:

- I don't know if there is much I can tell you. He is my cousin of a sort but I was five years old when I last saw him, and what can a child know of a man? He was kind. He paid attention to us when we demanded it — that is already a lot. I —

it sounds stupid, but I remember I saw a mouse run right past me in the barn once, and I was terrified, and he came over and started telling me about animals and what they behave like and what they eat and — I think I wasn't ever afraid of mice anymore after that.

- So he was a good man.

- Was? He's alive. I believe the songs — or what else could I believe? The world is one, after all.

Lady Morwen of Dor-Lómin:

- Do you remember Dorthonion, Lady?

- Everything.

- Everything? You were—

- Twelve. I chose to remember —after. Beren was one of my father's cousins. He was older. We talked once or twice.

- What do you think about your cousin's deeds?

- If half of it is true, then it is certainly more story than one would expect of a lifetime.

- You don't know if it's true?

- Songs are flighty things. My cousin wouldn't like me to say it but it's so. I doubt he's alive. If he was, I'd think he'd have come here.

Irnion son of Lischir and brother to Radhruin:

He taught me swordfighting at one point. He wasn't a half-bad teacher, I think — certainly he was skilled and he could make you understand what you were doing. I liked it... You know, I wanted to stay with my brother, but they said I was too young. I was fourteen — Hathaldir was sixteen. I guess I would have died if I had, but sometimes I still regret I didn't have the choice — not that I'm naive enough to think that sort of life is glorious outside tales —but it's a noble one.

Arthondir son of Eredhir:

It is odd to think that of all my childhood friends it's mostly myself left as the only person to remember them. Beren was always — different. Deeper, somehow. He wouldn't always join on our games... he spent so much time helping his great-aunt, the Wisewoman that we sometimes laughed at him — but when he did... somehow he made them better — more real. And he was the one person who could talk us out of trouble when we got into it — it was never his fault, really, but he never said so.

I remember, for example, the one time we — beat with sticks on Old Arasbor's barn gate, because we were pretending to be the deceased High King and his army arriving in Middle Earth, and Old Arasbor obviously came out in a fury to ask us what we were thinking. And then someone of course has to say — well, we're pretending the barn is Angband, and he's not flattered by the implication — and Beren just talked him down then, said his was the largest and most imposing all round and that's why we chose it — which was true, and Old Arasbor laughs and tells us to run off and that he would give Beren some pastry if his wife had baked any.

And then later, when I broke my hip — it never really healed well, that's why I'm here and not dead, I suppose — he was the person who kept visiting me, even though we weren't the closest of friends. I don't know, he was like that — I'm not saying he couldn't be thoughtless like all children, but he was oddly perceptive of other people.

I think that if any of us were to get into this sort of story it would have to be him — but I'm still surprised at the entirety of it. Everyone, I suppose, is.

Dor-Lómin weekly

[hepaidattention]

my chaotic obx4 part 1 thoughts.... without any order

OBX Spoilers!!!

JJ's name is Jackson............????????? WHATS HIS MIDDLE NAME

jiara is everything. they are my everything. they literally are all we ever wanted. would never complain for more kissing maybe, okay just slightly. like a kiss on the cheek even. but they are perfect. perfection.

ruthie. you don't even have to listen to jj's threats honey. because it's KIARA you should really be scared of. wrong pogue to make an enemy of.

protective jj makes me just.... ugh. he will do ANYTHING crazy and thoughtless and dangerous but if kiara wants to he's gonna be level headed and try to talk her out of it. he's a presh bean

absolutely love Kiara Carrera and absolutely hate her parents. wouldn't expect anything less from our girl, but the fact that her parents said "don't come back unless he's gone" and she said "okay bye then" and never looked back is just. I love her. I love jiara.

the writers really said "lets make jj's mom dead and oh yeah that asshole dad? not his real dad - raised him out of the goodness of his heart, then beat him. yeah but NO no no no noNO no sarah can't be his sister. the fans want that too bad."

the way kiara put up a pillow to make out with JJ (or more *wink*) in the chamber pod thingy *chefs kiss* and the way she and JJ had traded places, of course implying that there was definitely some rolling around going on in there *wink* best part imo (just woulda been better if we had seen them kiss but its fine IM FINE) I'm just a slut for some kiss scenes that's all. I honestly didn't even feel like their dynamic needs it. I just like to see that kissing content

I actually really love the dynamics this season. They have THREE couples in the main group and they've done amazing not making it feel like that, tbh. Though I did get frustrated because I COULD use a little more PDA sometimes, it also (especially for JJ and Kie) makes perfect sense for their characters. Plus, as friends first (and friends for so long), it's nice watching them get to slowly be more comfortable in showing affection beyond closed doors.

I know Rafe is crazy. really I do. but I really want him to become good. I love how this girl has seemed to help that, too. she's a pogue and he doesn't care - like he does but he loves her anyway and it's helped him realize why Sarah did what she did. being a pogue doesn't really change who you are. He also has shown remorse for hating on pogues, like the whole beach scene. I saw someone say they didn't understand the point but I think the point was to show us Rafe and his gf (forgot her name I'm so sorry girly), and show how mad she became, and for Rafe to realize maybe this whole pogue vs kook thing was STUPID and hurtful. It also seems to have to do with Topper development but I kind hate Topper so I don't care about him lolll

still not over the jiara kiss. THEY"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 FUCKING YEARS.

JJ. Babe. I love you. But you have dated that girl for 2 years and have not taken her out on a date???? I know, I get it, you've been very busy building a life. BUT HONEY. tsk tsk. Treat her right, sir.

Absolutely love how soft he gets towards her.

Pope: scolding

JJ: I KNOW MAN I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS ALRIGHT??? I DID WHAT I DID AND I DIDN'T DO NOTHING WRONG

JB: argues

JJ: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT ACTUALLY

Kie: scolds

JJ: you're right baby I'm so sorry I'm just trying to help

the pogues being pogues. this season feels very fanfic in the best ways. like we actually got all of them living together in one house???? all just being best buds and loving one another platonically (and romantically)???? and I'm just. I love it. it's what we all asked for and it was worth the wait (tho the wait has been very very long)

it's the way Sarah and JB put up a seashell to let them know they're busy *wink* and Kiara almost walks in and says it's getting excessive IMPLYING that Sarah and Kie are roommates. which that makes me cackle because now I think JJ and JB are roommates and Kie and Sarah are roommates but JB stays in Sarah's room so much that Kie basically lives in JB and JJs room

cannot get over how solid jiara is. they're just... they're just right. they fit. and now that they've been together for 2 years working crap out, there's no silly early dating drama. it's just JJ being JJ, or Kie being Kie, and they both know each other so well they know there's not a reason to even argue. like JJ didn't even fight Kie on diving because he knew he couldn't fight her. she's too stubborn. just like Kie knows there's no need in getting mad at JJ when he does something wreckless because he does something like all the time. she knows talking to him calmly is the only way to even reach him anyway.

JJ: does something stupid

Sarah: "your bf's doing something stupid again"

Kie: "I know this and I love him."

cannot wait to see how they all get back together, or how Kie and JJ reunite, or how Kie will react to the news, or Rafe will help with this adventure, and how JJ will meet his dad (even though I wish it was Shoupe and not the random evil dude).

Also. They WOULD give JJ a death curse. SMH.

[jennelikejennay]

Just watched The Doomsday Machine. We see Spock, Kirk, and Commodore Decker taking very different approaches to dealing with this massive superweapon.

(If you are keeping track, this is the second automated weapon destroying solar systems they deal with in the series, but not the last. My rant about destroying inhabited planets with no consequences still applies.)

What's interesting to me is that Decker behaves the way people often attribute to Kirk: bold, emotionally driven, thoughtless. Spock tells him he has no hope of destroying the weapon, so they should get away and send a warning instead. Decker refuses to accept this (and I can relate, it's headed straight to Rigel) but his only plan is just to shoot at it, even though his phasers aren't penetrating. Bones and Spock both tell him this is stupid and he refuses to listen. He ends up trying a suicidal plan that he knows won't work, but which feels cosmically fair to him.

Now Kirk's approach looks similar to this on first blush. He, too, refuses to run. He's willing to take chances with his own life, on something he's not sure will work. But Spock trusts him in a way he didn't trust Decker. Why? Because Kirk is thinking, not just feeling. He calculates his odds and has no plan to let himself die. It's that combination of boldness and sense that allows him to accomplish so much.

At times, the show makes it feel like he simply throws himself at problems at the universe lets him get away with it because he's the hero. But actually there's a great deal of thought that goes into his plans, which sometimes goes unspoken. This time, it's spelled out.

Kirk knows the size of the explosion he'll make and the seconds he'll have to escape. He knows it's not a sure thing, but the odds are in his favor and he's risking nobody but himself. Spock doesn't love letting him take the risk, but he does because he has total faith in Kirk's leadership. He knows the only reason Kirk would do this is because it is the right choice—that he's not being reckless because he isn't that kind of person.

Of course it's a success, meaning Jim and Spock get to make eyes at each other while making a very pointed statement about the Cold War. Roll credits!

[trashyhotgosling]

i don't mind you under my skin (henry letham x gn!reader, 18+)

Thanks to @lost-in-your-graeyveyard for the constant encouragement and for showing the enthusiasm that pushed me to actually write this out.

Summary: In which you lick Henry's wounds... Literally.

Word Count: 1,922

Content Warning: Self-harm, bloodplay, unsafe sex, suicide mentions, dacryphilia, smut and angst

Please do not read if you're under 18. This work is intended for adults.

Title from "Degausser" by Brand New.

-

Your scarf is tied around his arm like a tourniquet, the once soft blue turning a rusty color. He's crying, of course. Henry always cries when you catch him in the aftermath.

“I'm sorry,” he squeaks out between tears.

He's not looking at you. Of course he isn't.

He can't.

He told you he stopped. This isn't the first time he's told you that. This isn't the first time you've believed him.

This isn't the first time he's disappointed you.

You know what he's thinking. How he wishes you would leave, but he's too damn attached to ask you to. He assumes you'll eventually get wise and do it on your own, before he finally leaves this place for good.

But you won't. You love him more than he ever bargained on being loved.

You couldn't find the first aid kit that you keep at his apartment for this express purpose. Hence the scarf. You suspect he probably tossed it or hid it somewhere, just to make this the slightest bit harder for you. A weak attempt to try and piss you off, make you less endeared to him.

It doesn't work. Also, he forgot to get rid of the rubbing alcohol.

He hissed when you disinfected the series of three new wounds on his wrist, every part of him seeming to tense up.

For a moment, you could hurt him like he hurt you. You took satisfaction in that for a split second before you started feeling guilty.

“It's for your own good,” you muttered to him as he gritted his teeth.

Slowly, he relaxed.

Then he started shaking. And crying.

At the moment, you don't know exactly how to deal with that. A selfish, raw part of you wants to cry, too. Wants to scream at him. Ask if he sees what the things that he does to himself do to you in return. Ask how he can do this to you, if he truly loves you as much as he claims.

But there's the other part of you, the stronger one, that just… aches for him. The part that would spend a lifetime in the purgatory of loving him, cleaning up his blood and putting cream on his burns, all for the fleeting reward of a stolen kiss, or his head in your lap, or his fingers in your mouth.

It defies all logic, the way you love this boy. It drives both of you insane, on some level. But what is there to do now when you've already grown so used to bleeding for one another?

“Henry,” you breathe, looking up at him from your crouched position on the bathroom tile.

He looks down at you, his eyes sunken and his skin pale beneath the fluorescent light as he perches on the edge of the bathtub.

You stare back up at him, taking him in.

He's beautiful, even now, when he's destroying himself bit by bit. You wonder how breathtaking he might be when he's truly happy.

Not in the fleeting way that he is on his ‘good days.’ The days he walks you from class to class with your fingers intertwined, takes you out for a meal, falls asleep with a slight smile on his face as you read to him.

Not in the way he is on those days that he’s thoughtless enough to say things he doesn't mean, make plans that he won't live long enough to make come to fruition. The days he makes love to you as the sun rises above the city, — not fucking you in the selfish way that most college boys would, but really truly making love to you. The days he asks you all these stupid questions that might mean something if he were someone else, — like if you want kids and where you would like to settle down and do you think he could meet your family sometime? The days he traces your ring finger with a sparkle in his eye that feels like a knife through your heart.

You want to know what Henry would look like if he actually wanted to stay with you, if he really wanted to stay alive. If he could whisper sweet nothings to you that you could believe. If you could count on a future with him, — or at least, a future for him.

Right now, you can't. But dammit, if you won't take what you can get.

You'll take every last bit of it. Every last drop.

There's a faint smear of blood just below where the fabric of your scarf ends. It catches your eye as you look away to blink back tears. Suddenly, something comes to you. Not an idea, exactly, — more like an inexplicable primal urge.

Before you can think better of it, you duck your head and dart your tongue out, licking away the coppery red fluid.

Henry tenses, drawing in a shaky breath. You taste him on your tongue, — his very essence, the thing keeping him alive and here with you. Something you should not get to know this intimately, and yet…

You pull back, gasping like you were close to being drowned.

And then you rise from the floor and press your lips against his.

He lets out a surprised groan against your mouth. You halfway expect him to push you away, but he doesn't. You should have known better.

His unwounded arm rises, his hand tangling in your hair. You gasp against his mouth, then go right back to kissing him. Letting him taste the two of you together, — this horrible amalgamation of your love and his pain.

You stay like that for a while, lips pressed closely together like you're waiting to see who will give in first and pull away. You don't want to give in. But you do want more.

Finally, you concede, pulling back to press your forehead against his.

“I think,” you pant, “that we should go to bed.”

-

You know you shouldn't let this turn into something so carnal. But you can't bring yourself to deny him of anything, save for death.

Right now, he needs you. Needs to be impossibly close to you, inside of you. So you invite him in.

You're still kissing as both of you discard your clothes. You can't tell if you're undressing yourselves or each other or some combination of both, but before you know it, everything's gone, tossed aside on his bedroom floor.

Then he's crawling on top of you as your body settles against the bed.

Without even having to look, he slips his hand between your legs. You moan into his mouth as his fingers work you in the way he so quickly learned, — melting you for him, preparing you for what's to come.

He always gives to you before he takes. He's nowhere near as selfish as he might think.

He pulls back, panting against you as he works you open. Your name falls from his lips softly, like some sort of nonspecific prayer.

You cry out as his fingers curl inside you, arching your back up off the bed. “That's it,” he breathes, but there's a faraway look in his pale blue eyes, like he's saying it just because it's what he always says.

Whatever the case, you're still writhing under him, whining his name. “Henry,” you pant. “Henry, Henry…”

“Shh.” He presses his lips to yours again, perhaps to quiet you, before abruptly pulling his fingers back.

You let out a displeased whine against his lips, just before you feel his cock, hard and pressed against your thigh as he breaks your kiss.

“I can't…” he breathes, eyes wild, hair hanging over his face like a dark shadow. “I need…”

You just moan and spread your legs wider, beckoning him to come and take what he needs.

Then he does, gripping your hips and burying his teeth into your shoulder as he pushes into you. You let out a cry as he buries himself deep inside with a satisfied grunt.

Slowly, he pulls back, drawing in a shuddering breath. He pulls out almost all the way before pushing back in, causing you to cry out and scratch your nails down the pale skin of his back. His eyes close at the combined stinging of the skin of his back and the warm comfort of having you wrapped around him. “Shit,” he curses, burying his face in your neck before continuing his effort to find a rhythm.

Eventually, he creates some semblance of one, slower than you expect. He lets out a muffled hum against your neck as he rolls his hips into you. You hear a thump and look up to see that he has his right arm braced against the wall above your head, your scarf still wrapped around it. The grotesque mixture of red and blue reminds you of a bruise.

You cling tighter to him as he fucks into you, letting out a mindless series of sounds as you ground yourself by reminding yourself that he's here. For now, you have him completely. You let out another gasping moan. Henry answers shortly thereafter with his own.

At least, you think it's a moan at first.

When you hear him do it again, you realize it's actually a muffled sob.

In an instant, all the concern that you felt earlier comes rushing back. “Henry?” you ask softly, flattening your hands against his back so he feels gentle fingertips rather than biting nails.

“I'm sorry,” he gasps out against your neck between sobs. “I'm sorry…”

You don't ask him what he's sorry for. You don't want to. Those words are enough to break your heart on their own. You want to tell him that it's okay, but you can't, because it's not.

So you just hold him, and give your body over to him, offering this fucked-up little moment of intimacy as a quiet form of solace.

He just keeps taking, until his breathing begins to stutter from something other than his sobs.

“Baby…” he breathes. “Oh, fuck… I'm gonna come… Fuck, I'm sorry…”

He reaches between you, his hand dipping back between your legs. He continues his earlier ministrations, more frantically this time.

“Come on,” he pants mindlessly, his voice little more than a desperate, tear-edged whine at this point. “Come on… Please…”

And then you let out a sharp cry, shattering around him.

The feeling of you clamping down around him causes him to bury his face back in your neck, letting out an anguished groan as he pumps you full of him.

As soon as both of your climaxes die down, he collapses on top of you.

"God…” he half-breathes, half-sobs. “God…”

You can't form words at the moment. There aren't words for everything you wish you could tell him, for the things that you wish were true, for the pain and love blooming deep in your chest right now.

So you just hold him.

And when you start truly coming back to yourself, four simple words make their way past your lips.

“I love you, Henry.”

You love him enough to destroy yourself in an effort to stop him from doing the same. Even if you could go back, — rewind it all, — you wouldn't have it any other way.

And so you lay there, — soaking in his heat, reminding yourself that, right now, he is alive, the evidence of him still deep inside you.

You close your eyes, feeling so warm, it's as though invisible flames are licking your skin.

[chemighoul]

I find being a fan of these two blogs extremely frustrating in these times. Both you and Crane chastise and condemn your readers each time Isley shows up, because we're not interacting with your blog the "right" way. We just don't "get it" when we see the initial scene, and the actual truth gets revealed later, while you tell us to "calm down" as if we should know the whole time that we're overreacting or misinterpreting. We see you unconscious on the floor with no explanation but somehow we're supposed to know this wasn't an attack and then you say WE are the ones overreacting for thinking she's done you harm!

I don't get why it's so hard for you to understand. We don't LIKE her. We like YOU, and each time she shows up, one of you gets injured and/or incarcerated. So of COURSE we're going to act antagonistic toward her! It doesn't take a psychologist to guess that's how these scenarios are going to go.

Then afterward you both get all pissy and lecture us because we're not "doing it right" (i.e. the way you want) when it comes to interacting with her. It all comes off as pretty scummy, like you're purposely setting up scenes so you can insult us with the big reveal at the end, like "Aha, you guys were so dumb for thinking this was an attack (when that's what it looks like) because obviously I was just having a reaction to an injection! Why can't you calm down and just be cool?"

I'm so pissed off that this is how you treat your fans, who obviously care about you, that I'm going to stop following these blogs for a while. I need to go cool off. Ciao.

And now, a word from the writer.

First and foremost, I am sorry to have brought you this aggravation. It's not the intention of the blog to play games like that, and given this response, I understand I haven't made that crystal clear, and hope to make things make sense with a bit of background explanation from this side of the blog.

First and foremost: Ghoul is a scrungly 19 year old runaway from the streets, isekai'd, and under no circumstances is he willing to admit to moments of peril being out of his control. This is the face of a guy built like a dowel rod who is entirely confident he can throw hands with Batman:

More below.

You can't always trust that what he says is a fully accurate picture of his scenario. He's not lying, per se, but he's also not going to post anything he hasn't curated. Such is the way of a grumpy teenager: sometimes his takes are bad and his presentation is trash. This doesn't reflect on the audience at all: this is just standard with fallible DC villains. He's gonna be a grumpy gus, but he wouldn't be responding at all if he didn't care about the people writing him letters, and I wouldn't be drawing all this stuff if I didn't think it was mutually fun.

The problem is that two days after the incident, I got a really gnarly ask about burning down Pamela's garden house, well after Ghoul was confirmed safe, and punctuated by calling her something pretty misogynistic/slut-shamey. Plausible deniability in wordplay aside, it was a wildly excessive response to a ten-hour event, and definitely not something I was going to post directly to respond to, hence his statement to cool it: both for the sake of his own advocacy, and also because he thinks people are being very harsh on what was clearly (in his eyes) not a crisis. He's a lil' stupid, he's a lil thoughtless, and he doesn't always think every side of things through, even though he tries.

On my part, I had a stupidly huge writing project that I needed to focus on over the weekend, so I handed off my tablet to my partner, who writes Jon as well as Pammy, and we agreed it'd be fun to give Jonny a scare and show that his spooky not-son can be trusted to make choices about who he associates with and where he puts his trust. They got to have fun drawing a plotline, I got my writing project done, and there was a learning experience for all of the characters involved concerning communication, trust, and misunderstanding. This is also why I didn't post anything myself until Sunday or so, because my brain was gelatin.

At no point was any of this meant to bait any of you, and I am sorry that it upset you.

We were just trying to give a little thrill, and the reaction was more explosive than anticipated. We're not DC, we're not going to fridge our characters, and we're trying to have fun alongside you while balancing our characters' expressions of their boundaries with the variety of people who write to them. They're not always going to be forgiving, they're not always going to be nice, and they are, at the end of the day, villains. This is as nice as they can be when someone's threatening their ally with arson over a misunderstanding while someone else is soliciting fetish material at 9 am.

Their writers, however, do want you to have fun and enjoy the story...so, please understand, it's not anything personal from the writers' desks when the characters are cranky about something.

We're trying to give you a genuine experience, promise.

[cottoncandy-cult]

Babification Savanaclaw

INTRO/Dorm Selection Remember this is a fem reader insert so she/her pronouns are being used here.

Leona happily slept in the Savanaclaw lounge on one of several couches, it was deathly quiet in the dorm as last time they had made the mistake of waking the child sleeping on Leona's chest there had been hell in the form of training. It had been a few days since his lover had been babyfied, rather than waiting for the professor to bring him what he needs he instead had taken her to his brother to explain the situation. He hated it but he also knew that as a father, Falena knew better than him what would be necessary at this stage of infancy. Of course, he kept what Crewel had brought him, after all he didn't want to go out shopping if things took a bit longer than expected. At first, she was a bit of a handful, he hadn't been sure how to handle her crying and it left him snippy with everyone in the school. Surprisingly the teachers let his attitude go, after all he was having to do schoolwork and tend to an infant. But he had discovered something, if he rested her against his chest and started to purr her cries would start to quiet down till they fell silent. This had been his go to for when she was tired and fussy but wouldn't sleep, as well as when he himself wanted a nap. Despite slowly dozing off he could hear the whispers from the other dorm members as they'd watch him, some were complaining about how she sometimes cries at night, other stupider members spoke of using her against him so they could take over as dorm leader. That had been the comment that made him open his eyes, giving a deep growl as he glared in the direction the voice came from though, he quieted when (Y/n) gave a whine and rubbed her tiny face against his chest. Curling a strong arm around her and gently holding the back of her head as he sat up, keeping his eyes on the thoughtless loser that had thought he was being slick. The intensity of his glare made the opposing male tense, the nameless nobody stepping back when Leona stood. "This is your only warning, if you even look at her cross, I will turn you to dust. Don't test me magot." He watched as the offending male simply nodded, diverting his eyes from the two of them.

This calmed Leona somewhat, so he had turned to leave the lounge area and head back to his room. He was gentler than anyone would have expected him to be when he laid the sleeping baby on his bed, he had made a sort of bundle of spare covers and had pressed down the center to make a sort of nest so she couldn't roll out over or out of bed. He knew enough from when Cheka was this little, having helped take care of him every now and then when Falena and his wife were tired or busy. He took his time getting changed into his sleep ware, brushing his long dark hair back into a ponytail to keep it out of his face when he slept. Upon turning around his emerald eyes met (E/c), (Y/n) had woken up at some point and had just been quietly watching him. He couldn't help but chuckle, she could be downright adorable when she wasn't being fussy or a brat. "Watcha starin' at Herbivore? Don't tell me you're bored." He chuckled and went to sit on his bed, leaning back against the pillows he picked her up and rested her on his stomach as part of his new nightly routine. A goofy grin stretched across the little girl's face as her tiny hand reached up to pat his cheek, soft baby skin gently tapping at the scar over his eye. He remembered how when he first held her after the accident, she had been so curious about his scar and had touched it as if she hadn't seen it every day since the start of their relationship. It had reminded him of when Cheka had still been that little, the thought triggering a protective bubble to form in his chest though he'd never admit it. He had tried to mask this protective tendency, like when someone would try to convince him to let them hold (Y/n) he'd outright refuse. He'd fake offense and accuse them of doubting him, to hide the fact he just didn't trust anyone else to hold the fragile being. Though he was starting to think Ruggie was catching on, as earlier that day when Leona did his usual refusal spill the hyena boy had begun to smirk at the lion with a quirked brow. All Leona could do in return is roll his eyes and tell the boy to shut up, despite the fact the male had been silent. Though Ruggie took no offense, merely putting his hands up to signal his submission as he chuckled while Leona walked away. The male couldn't wait to tease her when she was back to normal, revenge for all the trouble she's caused the tall male by being in the situation.

Ruggie smiled as he served yet another table at the monstro lounge, he had been about to start a shift he decided to pick up there when Lillia had come to him with a little (Y/n) in his arms. Thankfully he had a harness as well, something that would allow him to carry the little girl as he worked, Lillia knew just how busy Ruggie could be so he figured the baby had to come with a chest harness. To Ruggie's surprise she had helped him accumulate a lot of tips, the students and faculty that would come to the lounge found her adorable. Many girls thought it was so sweet how he'd take care of her after such an accident, as most guys would have sent Lillia away. Because he was working voluntarily his tips didn't go into the staff tip pool, instead he got to keep them all as he wasn't bound by contract. "I'll have to take you out for lunch once you're back to normal, you've helped me a lot today." He kissed the top of her head, chuckling at her happy babbles as he took one of his breaks. He went to the kitchen to get a drink for the little girl, Floyd had gotten him a small glass for some juice before leaving him to relax and help her drink. It was kind of busy, so it made sense that he wouldn't really have time to tease him as he normally would in such a situation. Ruggie was careful with how he unfastened her, moving to sit on a chair by a small table and rest her on his lap so he could hold the cup more easily for the little girl. "You're pretty cute when you're little like this bunny, I'll have to take some pictures so I can show you later." He giggled and set the cup aside once she got her feel, his large hand rubbing her belly as he leaned back against the chair. He watched as she kicked her legs, continuing to babble to herself before he began bouncing his leg the way he would for the kids in his family whenever he'd visit home and be handed an infant or small child. She had quieted down some as she watched how the cooks would move about the kitchen and take meals in and out. "Heh, yeah you do like to cook huh? Nice to know that you still like it. Maybe I'll play you a few videos once we get back to the dorm." He continued talking to her, despite the fact she couldn't really talk back. But the way she'd tip her head back to look at him made him feel acknowledged. He took the time to give her some apple sauce he bought from the vending machine, careful to keep her clean since Crewel hadn't come by to drop off the baby bag yet.

Soon enough he was back on the floor, he carried a tray with 5 plates balanced on it in one hand and a tray of drinks in the other. Little (Y/n) having been strapped back to his chest. He walked the trays to table 16, only to be surprised by the heartslabyul crew. "How long have you guys been here? I don't remember you coming in." Ruggie quirked an eyebrow, drawing their attention as he began to set the plates on the table while they passed them to the orderers. "We just came in a minute ago, Jade said it was the end of lunch rush and got us seated pretty quickly." Trey smiled, though his eyes like the rest of the crew's had drifted to the infant in moments. "So, it's true? Here I thought Ace and Deuce had been exaggerating when they said she had been turned into a baby." Riddle tilted his head with a chuckle, leaning forward some to get a better look at the baby that happily babbled against the Savanaclaw's chest. "Yeah, Lillia dropped her off earlier. Professor Crewel is supposed to be coming by soon to drop off a baby bag so I can take care of her until they fix it." He chuckled, poking at the little girl's cheek as her legs kicked out. "I have to get a picture for magicam, this is too cute." Cater was quick to lean across the table once he had taken a picture of his meal, holding up his phone as he made funny faces at the little girl so he could get a couple extra shots. "It was kinda scary at first, with her not having magic and all these potions tend to have stronger effects. I almost expected her to be dead or something when the smoke cleared." Ace scratched the back of his head; he and Deuce had talked earlier and both recounted how their hearts dropped to their stomach when they realized she was caught in the smoke. The moment had reminded them just how much she meant to them as a friend. Like sure they had fought students before for threatening or putting hands on her since she doesn't have magic, not all the students are willing to keep their magic to themselves after all regardless of rules. So in that moment they genuinely thought that would be what did it, they thought they'd have to be giving their witness accounts for her accident later. "Yeah, we are lucky this is the outcome, magicless humans seem so much more fragile you know what I mean?" Ruggie, tucked the trays under his arm. Watching as Deuce let the little girl hold onto one of his fingers. "I gotta get back to work now, you guys enjoy your meal." He gave a wave as he went to go clean up a couple tables, he was relieved things were slowing down as his feet were killing him.

Jack had been walking to his history class at the end of the day when Lillia found him, surprisingly with Proffessor Crewel in tow. He had been quite surprised to see the proffessor carrying an infant and even more so after they escorted him to Trein's class to explain what had happened. That was why he was currently sitting a bit further back from the table that he and the other students in his row used to write on, because he had to keep at least one hand on her the proffessor had been kind enough to allow him to use his phone to record the notes for that days class. Jack had been afraid to hold the little girl at first, she was so small compared to him or even his younger siblings at her age and near weightless to boot, he was afraid of crushing her but he also didn't want to drop her. He was able to rest her against his chest and simply hook his arm beneath her bum to support her, which made him feel a bit better about holding her as he didn't have to worry about her being able to breathe. He had taken anatomy back in highschool so he knew that beastmen were a bit sturdier physically for the most part when compared to regular people, and he often worried that (Y/n) was even more fragile as she didn't have magic or experience with being on the receiving end of it, she couldn't take magical blows the way someone with experience around the stuff could. But now here she was as a baby, completely helpless and magicless. It gave him anxiety, though he'd never admit it. Ever since she had been placed in his arms he had felt himself perk up, it was like his awareness had skyrocketed and he had to keep himself from growling when people got close. The more he thought about her predicament the more he wanted to skip class and go back to his dorm room so he could hide her away, the place felt to open for someone like her to be there. It was that thought that almost made him laugh, he recognized this feeling now as he experienced it whenever his siblings were little. His instincts were wired because someone he cared for was currently helpless, and worse yet an infant. much like how a wolf would prefer to keep its pups in a den, he wanted to hide her because he didn't trust the strangers around him and thus felt she was in danger.

Thankfully this was his last class for the day, so he wouldn't have to keep reminding himself that she was safe for too much longer. He raised a hand to gently rub the little girl's back, she looked like she was dozing off to his relief and his gentle rubbing seemed to be helping. He couldn't help but grin a bit, though he stuffed it down before anyone noticed as he knew several students had been curiously watching him. So he settled with distracting himself, carefully pulling out a small baby blanket from the bag. It was white with little grey paw prints all over it, a detail he chose to ignore as he did his best to wrap the cover around her without jostling her too much. He missed how the teacher smiled a little after moving to sit at his desk to get the homework gathered, the old man had a family of his own afterall so seeing the young man so carefully attempt to care for the small girl made him feel hope for this next generation. Before long the wolf boy was speed walking back to his dorm, regular bag over his free shoulder as well as the stuffed baby bag. He had been told to seek Sam if he runs out of diapers or needs anything baby wise, he was grateful to have younger siblings otherwise he felt he'd be absolutely clueless. Because of his slight experience he was able to relax as he rested her in a sort of nest he made on his bed, taking the chance to change into some sweatpants and a tank top. He'd grab something to eat in a few minutes, for now he was going to sit by the sleeping girl and work on a bit of homework. His arm had started to fall asleep from holding her, that was how he knew he was gonna get a workout taking care of her. His focus was broken when he heard a knock right before Leona walked in, Ruggie right behind him with a curious grin. "I just heard you brought the herbivore back; you could have at least told me what was going on yourself." Leona put his hands on his hips as he stood at the end of the bed, observing the little girl that was clipped into a yellow jumper with the Savanaclaw emblem on it. He would never say it out loud but it was kinda cute, but she also wasn't crying at the moment. He huffed, his eyes moving back to the slightly frantic underclassmen as he tried not to smirk. "Sorry about that, we just got back, and I was doing some homework before I fixed dinner." Jack sat down his papers and watched as his house warden leaned forward to get a better look, tilting his head some as he watched her sleep calmly on her back. "Just make sure she isn't screaming through the nights, otherwise we're blaming you if we lose sleep." He shot the male a mock warning glare, he knew because it was such a big change, she'd probably be lazy and sleepy for a while, but he still had an image to keep up. "Here I thought she was like prey before, now she may as well be a rabbit under the protection of the big bad wolf." He chuckled as he and Ruggie left, the shorter male had been happy to merely quietly observe and take in the situation for himself.

[mephinomaly]

[TL] PYSCHOBREAK/Chapter 16

[ This post uses Ois~su ♪ ]

Rei: However, we have never recruited new members like Ryuuseitai or Knights do.

If someone genuinely wanted to join UNDEAD, it would not be possible.

Even if they applied, they would be rejected. They wouldn’t have the ability to match us. I would hate to have to tell someone that admires me “you do not meet the requirements, we do not need you.”

I dislike doing unpleasant things such as that.

Knowing that, the culprit moved to foul play.

He chose the easy, shameless path that would hurt him the least.

Kaoru: To add to that– as you know, Yumenosaki has a lot of sons from influential families, especially from the area.

That’s what happened with our culprit. I think he was the son of a pharmaceutical company?

Rei: Umu. If he had taken over the family business, he could have led a comfortable life, but he must have disliked working as your average worker.

Or perhaps he did not possess the talent or smarts to take over.

Therefore once he had accumulated enough funds, he enrolled in Yumenosaki and lived the life of a slovenly aristocrat. Well, I cannot say that for certain but it doesn’t particularly matter.

He utilised said money and influence to trap us.

Kaoru: It’s giving an off-brand version of Tenshouin-kun.

Rei: Quite. A Tenshouin-kun with no ambition, no passion, no smarts, nor real ability.

Kaoru: Anything else?

Rei: Tenshouin-kun is a cutie but in this case, I don’t believe he would have done the same.

Have nots such as our culprit want to commit a crime whilst preserving their dream.

That is all there is to the situation.

Koga: So what did he do? I don’t get what you’re sayin’.

Adonis: …I understand. If you look at the situation, the culprit’s true intentions are clear.

Firstly, he tried to frame me as the real culprit.

In the dream, I almost became the leader of the “vampires”.

The leader who’s delinquents caused trouble in the town and were eventually suppressed.

Perhaps the culprit was trying to force the position of “leader” on me, whilst he became a member of UNDEAD.

In other words, he was trying to replace me.

It wasn’t true, it was only a distorted dream. But that is what he wanted.

He wanted to join UNDEAD—that much is clear. Due to that, our senpais were able to correctly guess the identity of the culprit.

Koga: Stop it Adonis… This happens everytime, but you’re so smart ‘n perceptive you make me look like a fuckin’ moron in comparison t’you.

Adonis: Oh. I’m sorry. It’s okay, Oogami, your intuition is far better than mine.

Koga: I feel like everyone always says that I’m stupid but my intuition is sharp.

Rei: Fufu. Adonis-kun’s deductions are correct. You’re so smart. You’re such a good boy. Little cutie.

Adonis: Thank you.

Rei: As we know, the culprit's wishes did not come true, not even in our dreams.

Of course, it would never happen. I supposed he thought Adonis-kun was the easiest member of UNDEAD to replace—

Adonis: That’s most likely correct. If you look at it objectively, I am the most replaceable person in UNDEAD.

Of course, Sakuma-senpai is the leader, Oogami is the backbone of UNDEAD, and Hakaze-senpai is an extremely talented, influential person that cannot be replaced.

I am the member that UNDEAD needs the least.

Koga: The hell you mean! I’m gonna fuckin’ kill that guy…!

Kaoru: Mhm. I’m kinda pissed too, but don’t worry– the culprit will be properly persecuted according to the law. Sometimes it’s useful to take advantage of my family's power.

Rei: We will leave it to you. We are not police officers nor judges, we do not have the right to judge others.

However, naturally, the culprit's thoughtless, foolish plan will be prevented.

In reality, he stood no chance in replacing Adonis-kun, and his plan disintegrated without us having to get involved.

This was partly because we manipulated him psychologically, and in the flashbacks, we accepted Adonis-kun as one of our own.

I never said he was an intelligent delinquent.

Adonis: I did not see how that flashback went, but I’m glad to hear it went well.

Thank you for believing me.

Koga: I’ll always believe you! Fuck, I’m still so pissed!

Rei: Fufu. But for the culprit, this was just a bit of fun. His true desires lay somewhere else.

Now, about HELLSING.

Koga: Oh yeah—

Rei: We accepted the AI idols, even if only temporarily, and began activities with them.

The rest of the explanation is easy to follow. At the moment, the AI operates independently, however from this point onwards, the culprit will be able to control them. Almost like a video game character.

He was planning on continuing his idol activities as one of our friends, by using HELLSING as his costume.

He had prepared everything. There was also the AIIE experiment. There were robots of both us and Ra*bits. What a fraud of a research centre.

Using money and influence, he tried to con us.

He forced us to participate in a suspicious experiment via fake messages, and then once we were asleep, he set HELLSING in motion and created a fait accompli​.

His plan began well.

Kaoru: I didn’t think there was anyone out there who’d go so far out of their way to copy us and try to become our friend.

Robots cost a hell of a lot of money, so he must have a lot.

Koga: But why… Did he really wanna be a part of UNDEAD?

Then jus’ fuckin’ say it! Say that you wanna be our friend! Even if we refuse, you shouldn’t give up! Ask again and again! If you tell us how you feel, we coulda accepted you!

Why’d he go through such a roundabout way instead of jus’ askin’ us like a normal person—

Rei: He believed he had chosen the quickest route however ended up taking a detour. That is the lesson he must learn.

We too participate in shady dealings whilst searching for an easy solution to our problems. We cannot make fun of him.

God gives us his toughest battles, whilst the Devil sweet talks foolish human beings who want to avoid said battles. One must be careful.

Anyhow. Once the culprit's identity was known, the rest was easy to understand.

Since he was trying to push out Adonis-kun and force him to take a different position, we could hypothesise that was the culprit's original position.

Koga: Like, as the leader of the “vampires”?

Rei: If he wasn’t the leader, he was at least part of them. With that in mind, we returned to the dream world in order to search for him.

[ ☆ ]

Chapter 15

Chapter 17

[missthoughtless]

My Online Diary

Post 1: Nightmares and Lack Of Sleep

Apr 24, 2025

I had a dream last night that the man that raised me came to my work and shot me. I woke up shaking, heart pounding and I felt like I could still feel where I’d been shot. A few years ago I tried to go to therapy and she told me I have PTSD, I thought she was stupid. I guess the joke is on me.

I don’t even know why I dreamt about him. I haven’t seen him in over a year since I was awarded the restraining order. I don’t know. It woke me up unbelievable early in the morning and I couldn’t get myself to calm down enough to go back to sleep. I was jumpy all day at work. Every time the door opened I thought “oh god is it happening?” I don’t know, that’s probably crazy. The only time I finally relaxed was when I got home and now I’m just so tired.

I wish I could just say that I’m tired because I barely slept, but I’m just tired in general all the time lately. I have a doctor’s appointment next month and I’m going to push for more tests because it feels like I can never get enough sleep, and the nightmares aren’t helping. I slept for 14 hours a few weeks ago, woke up for a few hours, and then went back to bed again. My roommate was concerned and asked if I was depressed. I don’t think I’m depressed, I think something is wrong with me medically. I mean my hair is falling out for Christ’s sake. No way it’s not a medical issue. Of course it might just be because I’m getting older and I eat like shit. Maybe if I had a healthier lifestyle I wouldn’t be falling apart.

In other news today I had to drive past my old school and saw the tree they planted for the kid that died. I cried on my way home about it. I wasn’t even friends with him but every time I see it I can’t help but cry. It was horrible when it happened but now that I’m older I can’t help but think about the fact that he was only a few years younger than me. He never got the chance to do anything and that makes me so sad. His family must miss him. I wonder sometimes if my family would love me enough to plant a tree somewhere, but I figure they wouldn’t. It would be a quiet affair I’m sure. I don’t mean to talk about death. I’m not going to kill myself or anything, but I’m sure that’s what it sounds like. Sorry about that.

I’m not depressed. I’m just tired and emotional. Always tired and emotional. I must have some kind of hormone imbalance or something. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m fully writing this. My former therapist suggested keeping a journal but I couldn’t never bring myself to write things down. I guess I didn’t see a reason for writing it if no one was ever going to read it. For me I need people to know what’s happening in my brain, because god knows I can’t bring myself to share anything like this with the people around me. I feel like if I don’t keep everything that makes me sad or worried locked down then I’m a failure and they’ll all get tired of me and then leave me. Maybe that’s a bit much for an online journal. I don’t know. I’m just so tired.

I guess I’ll end it here otherwise I’ll keep rambling.

Sincerely,

Miss Thoughtless

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary565

4/18-19/25

friday - saturday

grocery shopping was okay,

my gf and mom stress me out as usual but it's nothing big, my gf is somewhat stressed because she feels a sense of purposelessness in life currently, because she's a graduate, doing part time instructor work, and is making way in her goals but they're not getting feedback really, because it's all currently self directed, you know. so there is all that. her mom is always like, of course you did well, what's next. which is her way of being supportive, but it makes my gf feel like she's not doing enough, and then she tries to do more. she also gets so mad about going out sometimes, so we will be doing that less. which is okay... i had fun over this little period of seeing people a bit more. it just sucks it's not so good to walk around here at night... when we got home we talked ofc, it's not such a big deal anymore, how she was feeling, she can really quickly recover over stuff of this nature. the errands themselves were easy, we had to get a new trashcan, my gf was like, they're 50 dollars... but those were the ones the people put on the edges of aisles in target to like make people buy the expensive ones in a hurry or something. the one we needed/replacement for the last one was just 15. the day started with her going to a kpop store to take pictures in her favorite guy's photobooth, because he has a special thing for his birthday i guess. she was wearing this white sweater that got turned invisible basically because of the filter they put on everything, in those photobooths.

in that mall, lots of people stared at me, one guy made like a tsk sound, and that sort of continued through the day. it's not a good feeling, i wonder if it's just because it was good friday and the catholics were all out and about, or if people are just getting more like that, or what. in the target some teenage girl stared at me for like 30 seconds straight, i swear. it was like pretty direct eye contact and she wouldn't stop. i've never seen that before. usually old people get ashamed. i wonder if it's a teen thing or if it's got to do with people being super weird post-covid or something or what. maybe i did it to myself, going into target. i don't even like the store i just know that's where we got the last trash can and the one we had, its lid was broken, so it wwas very annoying. i sort of do feel stupid though, going in there, it was entirely thoughtless. at trader joe's some guy said something under his breath, i swear, in the parking lot. lots of hostility today i suppose. here's what i looked like to earn that:

that was my day, for the most part. i didn't do much music stuff... i still might, we'll see. the clouds were really nice, today, and there was a lot of wind but it mad me nostalgic. cloudy days and trader joe's always makes me think of... when i was a kid and i'd watch videos about twilight princess all the time. that game is cute i think. i wish it were easier to emulate wii games. i like oot and majora's mask a ton, those are such pretty games to me.

i just watched more aria:

this episode is also extremely sweet/lovely. it made me particularly sad/nostalgic for my grandma, i miss her, and i miss the part of my life where i got to see her regularly, her garden, her big sun hat, watching nhk with her and not knowing what was going on, her cooking. i miss her noodle stir fry with bacon... i need to make that again. the episode made me cry when grandma said that being 'good' at something is partially about knowing how to make every day something to enjoy, and each part of it. it makes me sad, it's too sweet a sentiment for a world like this almost.

another thing that occurred to me, is the sort of parallels in the show and being a prima undine and something like being an idol, but an idol slowed way down, sort of like making the act of daily living something could be an 'idol' in, all the nasty cultural stuff driven off, something about needing to be something this like, drive to live, more than a need to succeed, even. this episode really gets to that. a really odd thing. i also like the undertones of earth being basically ruined in the show... if i wanted to be grim, it makes it feel like a vision of what the last humans might dream up, life on another planet, where everything's beautiful and nice, and beautiful ideas get to elaborate themselves. but that's kind of nightmarish...

today i was reminded of nic pizzolatto... or however you spell his name, his new movie, which is supposed to come out, it's done shooting, but apparently editing's going terribly. i'm not excited for it, generally he's swung towards a strange 'into red scare to be edgy' thing, and vince vaughn stars and he's a trump dude, so it's kind of like that, the movie is probably some kind of statement, i mean every movie probably is in some sense, it's just, got a particular context around it now. but even at the time, he was shooting it in vegas, we saw them, we got kicked out of a bar because of it, and we saw this big car in the middle of the courtyard of atomic liquors, the bar, and it was just dumb as hell. he's trying to do a vegas failure story, some lame fuckup tries to be good again. i dunno. i saw some lines from it, that he put on instagram, they made it intensely obvious anything good from the first season of true detective was him lifting writers, thomas ligotti and flannery o'connor, and cary fukunaga carrying with the cinematography and extra direction. it's fucked up that he also seems to have done nothing else good. it's so ridiculous that anything southern gothic has failed to materialize in a way that gets at some interesting feeling. the more i think about that series, the worse it feels, since it's this guy proving he's a hack over and over and over. he had so much good will they let him make the second season of true detective, which was, as stupid as it was, trying something. it's likely that he's given up entirely. whatever this vince vaughn movie turns out to be, i'm certain it will be bad.

earlier i was listening to number girl, and i thought how funny it was that i didn't listen to them re-reading punpun. feels like i missed out on overloading on a bunch of old feelings. it made me remember how i felt when i bought this one shirt i have that has aiko on it. it's so weird, how i chose that to be part of my collection of important things, punpun itself, not necessarily the shirt, punpun and numbergirl, and their weird little bond, of a kind of sickness running itself crazy, art that is furious with people and furious with itself. listening to seiko oomori right now, she also feels related, to that.

just caught up on what there is of mujina into the deep... it's still interesting, but maybe it's supposed to be more than that, by this point. i can't imagine what it was like to only have like, 4 chapters of dead dead demon's available. certainly you wouldn't be able to tell it'd be one of the best things ever (as obvious as it becomes with hindsight), and you'd also be like, what is he doing. it'd maybe make more sense if you'd paid attention to his oneshots and things. i guess it feels like he wants to break out, like chainsaw man. he also wants to make something explicitly about the homeless youth crisis in japan and stuff, and the toyoko kids + recent happenings in youth culture. he'd always been fooling with all that, i think, but this is the most on the nose it's felt i suppose, but it also feels like it's meant to be that way, like it being on the nose, kind of gross, oversexual, etc, is part of its intended affect. who knows if it will pan out. it's almost like... gantz? it's of that kind of psychotic pulp character except more charged and sometimes more depressing, other times, characters rant about what's good or bad about society. nothing as subtle as punpun sticking his hair up and sitting miserably in a karaoke room could happen, and the entirety of dead dead demon's ethos is being refused here, pointedly. i heard somewhere it wasn't him doing the story entirely? i'm curious about that. i hope asano doesn't go the way of oshimi, ultimately, flaming out, even if he does, oshimi made nearly nothing good, and asano made multiple incredible things.

well it's 5 am now. looking forward to having pee problems again... ha ha yayyy.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[frost-eyed-autumn]

pansy :   does your muse often reflect on their own actions ?do they ever think a lot about the past ,   and what they could have done differently ?

❥     𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒    [   𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚃𝚂    ]

Yes and no.

Despite that Chuuya has been criticized before for "not thinking things through" or being reactionary and sometimes thoughtless, Chuuya actually spends quite a bit of time in his head and reflecting on things.

He's often a lot more thoughtful than his abrasive and sometimes explosive surface implies he is. His past absolutely haunts him -- his flaws, mistakes, the people he failed to protect, the things he had to learn the hard way -- but he generally doesn't dwell on them in a way that holds him back from doing the things he needs to do.

His regrets are many, but he doesn't ever stop moving forward because of them. The past is the past, and he can't do anything about that, but he can always work on the present and the future.

A lot of that comes from spending the first half of his life growing up in the slums under less than ideal conditions, only ever with a pack of other kids helping look after him. Hardship was an every-day reality, especially moreso in the early days of the Sheep, but standing still too long to grieve over nearly anything was a privilege their survival couldn't afford. The lessons of the slums and just "sucking it up" and moving on to the next matter is a habit that's never left him and part of why he's so successful within the mafia even though he's gone through tremendous heartbreak.

He still makes mistakes and impulsive, stupid decisions in the present, of course. He's not perfect and quicker to action than is always wise, and he does sometimes upset or inconvenience people around him because of it.

That said, he's always trying to work on himself to be better and wiser, even if his personality sometimes gets in his own way, to try and have a few less regrets than he had yesterday and be someone worth respecting, while still maintaining and enacting in whatever way necessary to get his job done. Two necessities that undeniably sometimes conflict with each other, given his line of work and position as the Port Mafia's second-in-command.

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS IN LOVE - Chapter 23 - Part 2 BOOK THREE: 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning - Adult Content*

Sam Moretti

The music wasn't the best to dance to but at least Benjamin stayed with me and didn't complain anymore and finally my body let go of the tension and I could actually have a good time.

A thoughtless time where I didn't feel anxious over every little thing but then my fun got ruined.

Benjamin and I were in the crowd of other people drinking and dancing when a bulky looking guy waltzed up to a girl, he was clearly making her uncomfortable with what looked like his flirting and then he slid his hand down and grabbed her ass before she pushed him away and stormed off.

I cringed and faced Benjamin again, I knew he saw the same thing I did.

"Men can be so gross sometimes," I said in disgust.

Benjamin looked at me like he didn't understand what I said.

"Maybe if she wasn't wearing clothes that made her look like a prostitute, guys wouldn't hit on her."

My jaw was to the floor.

"You're joking, right?" except I knew he wasn't because Benjamin didn't know how to joke.

"Girls like that are just asking to be hit on," Benjamin said like it was a fact.

"Looking like that and then getting mad when they get cat-called or a guy touching them. It's hypocritical."

I was aghast at Benjamin.

My hands dropped from his sides.

"No, it's that men sexualize women's bodies. They should be able to wear whatever they want and not have to deal with men ogling at them," I scoffed.

"I can't believe you think this way."

"Whatever, Sam. I didn't even want to be here. Let's leave."

'What the hell?'

"No. You can leave if you want to but I'm staying," I told him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'll leave when Kai leaves."

"You're just upset. Let's go back to my place. I don't want to argue at some obtuse party over something stupid."

I gapped.

"Over something stupid? You were being sexist, Ben and I said I'm not leaving, yet," I stood my ground.

"You're being immature," he claimed.

I shrugged.

"Then I'm being immature."

"Fine. You can go home with Kai but we'll being talking about this tomorrow."

I shook my head and scoffed as I watched him walk away.

"Unbelievable," I muttered.

I was furious, both at what Benjamin was saying about women and at myself for actually feeling guilty for wanting to break up with him.

I should've done it there at the party.

Gotten it over with.

I felt so stupid choosing Benjamin Hernandez.

Just being with him in general.

How did I not realize how sexist he was until now?

Kai even warned me.

'So, so stupid, Sam.'

**********

I was gonna go to the bathroom and splash water in my face to cool down but of course the line was long, so I made my way upstairs and searched for a bathroom.

The first door was locked and the second door I watched a very horny looking couple go into the room and the third door I opened was an empty bedroom with a en-suite attached to it.

I stepped into the bedroom and was going to shut the door when a hand stopped it from shutting.

I glared at him.

"Hey Sammy," Jude greeted me but it felt far from any greeting I've ever heard.

"I thought that was you," he noted.

"Leave me alone," I told him in nonchalance to convey I didn't care what he had to say.

As soon as I tried to side step around him and leave to room, he nudged me back.

"I'll scream, don't think I won't," I warned him.

Jude laughed.

"Chill, I'm not going to do anything. I just wanted to catch up."

"Well, I don't want to, so if you could move out of my way," I said bitterly.

He didn't seem to like that answer as he gripped my arm.

"I don't understand what Noah saw in you. Or why you think you are so much better than me."

"Maybe because I'm not a fucking psychopath, now let me go. You have three seconds before I scream."

"The great thing about parties, no one will hear you, they're all to drunk and the music's too loud."

"You're a sick person, you know that? Like mentally there's something screwed up in your head," I spoke matter-of-factly and I definitely should not have talked back to Jude.

I should've just pleaded for me to leave because then I made him enraged and I was being shoved, pushed down onto the queen sized bed in the room.

I never felt fear take over me faster than that moment.

Jude's body kept me in place, one hand keeping both of my hands against my chest while his other hand had my jaw in a deadly grip.

"I'm the fucked up one?"

"Get off me."

I tried shoving him but he had all the advantage... taller, stronger and faster than me.

"Scream, I don't care. In fact, it would turn me on," he said with a sadistic grin.

I felt like I was going to throw up and I wish I had but I tried a new tactic.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. I don't know what Noah saw in me. Clearly nothing because he broke up with me..."

"It's too late because he humiliated me and I don't like not getting what I want and what I want right now is to say 'fuck you' to Noah in a way that'll absolutely destroy him."

My heart was pounding in fear because I knew exactly what Jude was implying.

Tears welled in my eyes.

"Noah hates me. You messing with me won't bother him," I tried.

Jude shook his head.

"We both know that's a fucking lie," he said.

"So stop fucking talking," and he leant down.

"Stop," I cried but his finger's grip on my jaw was too strong for me to turn my face when he leaned in to kiss me.

"Stop," I sobbed but my word morphed to a blur when his lips touched mine.

I tried squirming away, trashing my body out of his hold but I was too weak.

I turned my face away from him when his fingers left my jaw but then they went to the zipper of my pants and I squeezed my eyes shut, praying I didn't have to see, hear or feel what Jude was going to do to me.

"Please stop," I cried and then my prayer must've been heard because I felt his weight lift but it wasn't God's doing.

When I opened my eyes, Noah was on top of Jude, throwing punch after punch to his face and he wasn't stopping.

[keischreiber]

While I do have my headcanons and whatnot between Reiner and Kristina...

I do want an RP that does not involve it. Because my usual RP process doesnt usually involve my headcanons about relationships, but just the base info about my OC and then I go from there as to what bonds they'll form in the process.

Like how... when I started RPing Naruto, I originally planned for Kiomi to have a ship with Itachi... which in the beginning sort of happened when I found RPers to RP with... but lacked chemistry. However the chemistry came in the most unexpected of packages which was Jiraiya. Now, don't kill me because there is most literally an age gap there because hi. Kiomi is the same age as Naruto and Jiraiya is well... the same age as Kiomi's lord and savior, Orochimaru. But don't worry. Nothing happens. Because the part about age gap that I love is the angst of never being able to be truly together because of multiple reasons. What's fun for me is exploring the character's internal feelings, and how it changed them (if it did) as a person. Plus I only have a main Jiraiya that I RPed that with so it's not like it's gonna be every Jiraiya. Because again. Chemistry is very important as well as being on the same page. I like internal struggles, okay. Kiomi hates me for the amount of shit I put her through, I'm basically a walking war crime to her.

I like organic bonds between characters. And in that one, despite them being the ship, romance never became the main focus, but their relationship as teacher and student. The way Jiraiya brought out the humanity in her after leading a life of just being a tool. I think that's a form of love too that no amount of groping or sexing up can easily accomplish. Which is why, despite Jiraiya's nature and hobbies, it was never a thing that transpired between them. It's always life lessons on how to be a better human being, or how to handle difficulties in a world teeming with war. How to go about the future, and the responsibilities a master passes down to his student in case he departs for the afterlife. Jiraiya and Kiomi is literally the most wholesome thing I've experienced in RP. There are shipping jokes intertwined of course, because it's still a ship. Because Kiomi can be very thoughtless and say stupid things. So. She gets the lesson: Are you ready for the consequences of your insinuations?

I mean, look at the difference. From "I will kill you without a single thought" to "Hello, I can human now".

In her Fate verse, she is suffering. 😂 But is also learning how to human because as is, she wouldn't mind killing things so long as it's amusing. Plus her main servants are the Guda Guda servants. 😂 So like... This be the gang that promotes "murder is okay" (except for Ryouma. Murder is not okay) She does have a ship. Which is Izo. And her bestie is Nagayoshi. And she will kill for Nobunaga and Kicho (my friend's OC who is canonically Nobunaga's wife).

But her main servant is Mitsuhide. Look at her with her dumb Caster.

So yeah, like in terms of AoT.

In my main hc that's just for me... She love and tries to build a relationship with Reiner through whatever pinhole she can use to actually do that.

But in terms of RPs... I wonder what it'd be like. Who would she genuinely develop feelings for outside of a childhood crush? Would she gravitate to someone else? Would bonds become stronger? Would they not like each other? Would she have a change of heart? Who does she become friends with, what will she do when something important comes up?

I think about it so much.

But I also want Kristina to be friends with Jean so they can police their reckless boyfriend post rumbling... from accidentally hurting himself because it's sometimes automatic that he thinks he can still heal. Anyway. Guilty pleasure. Dont mind me.