#OH I AM TAGGING THE SHIP NAME JUST FOR PETTINESS

[gotskamstuff]

No because Kiara really lost the love of her life and her best friend… AT 19

I’m getting in my feels again, PLEASE SEND HELP 😭💔

[skaruresonic]

"I won't forget the time another games fan admitted on my old Twitter account that the current fannish climate was such that they were going to limit their Sonic discussion to private channels."

Funnily enough, something similar happened to me on Twitter. Someone contacted me in private because they wanted to talk about CV with me, but "I didn't want to message you so publicly because there are some people who don't like you that follow me"

And my reaction was... cool? Thanks for telling me? I'm not even super active on Twitter and I can count on one hand the amount of times I complained and attracted discussions. I just felt sad that this person treated me like a clandestine. It reminded me back when I was in high school and my friend back then was like "don't help these people, they talk shit about you" - what am I supposed to think, other than "oh :("?

And the CV fandom is all but dead, even the NFCV fandom is certainly more active but currently resting. The Sonic fandom, especially on Twitter, is an absolute nightmare. People really do pounce you for any reason they deem justified, and all sorts of petty discourse is pushed in front of your face for the sole reason of making you angry.

Anyway, I say already what I said: for a fandom who will call you all sorts of names if you don't have the right wholesome opinions on minor characters, they sure have zero mercy for real life minors whose crime is complaining in their corner of the internet. Silly you, daring to have an opinion!

Funnily enough, something similar happened to me on Twitter. Someone contacted me in private because they wanted to talk about CV with me, but "I didn't want to message you so publicly because there are some people who don't like you that follow me"

It reminded me back when I was in high school and my friend back then was like "don't help these people, they talk shit about you" - what am I supposed to think, other than "oh :("?

Might be missing some context here, but honestly, that sounds a little backhanded. Best case scenario, they're worried about inadvertently shining a spotlight on you, which just raises questions of why they're hanging around folks who'd dogpile people to begin with.

Like bruh, this is video games fandom, not an illegal gambling ring lmao. Saying "I can't reblog from you because you have cooties" would be more emotionally honest.

To some extent, though, I do have to wonder how much of this is a modern-day fandom culture thing and isn't confined to just Sonic, because patterns seem to repeat across fandoms. Half-Life has settled down AFAIK, but that was after virulent tourists literally called the cops on fic writers for shipping a ship and caused the old guard to disperse. The Silent Hill Reddit, likewise, refuses to hear any criticism of the SH2 remake because you're harshing their buzz. And hey, anything Konami offers us must surely be better than nothing. "Technical limitations" is similar misinformation that gets passed around via games of telephone a la Shadow mandates. I don't need to tell you how Sonic fandom treats unpopular opinions. Don't know what to call it. Toxic positivity? Consumerism? Anti mindset? Clout chasing? Social media-fuelled outrage? All of the above? Whatever it is, it's becoming more prevalent in fannish spaces. Maybe it's because I'm more invested in Sonic fandom than the others, but there I've noticed that there's definitely this added layer of superciliousness to Sonic that just makes the usual fandom wank even more obnoxious. Yes, the HLVRAI stans might lie and say your ship is pedophilia, which is incredibly unfortunate, but nobody was giving them the microphone and saying they ought to be taken as an authority on all things Half-Life. In fact, the old guard pushed for AO3 to separate HLVRAI and Half-Life in the tags for years for this very reason. We weren't all suddenly like "hmm yes, maybe Gordon really was a ~secret pedo~ who thinks of grown-ass Alyx as a child when she flirts with him in-game" because we knew that was fucking ridiculous. But for some reason, we're all supposed to think "IDW!Sonic is Games!Sonic" lest we bu run out of town with torches and pitchforks, I guess.

The worst part is it's hard to tell what people want anymore. You can't say things they don't want to hear even in your own space. You can't say it politely, you can't say it rudely, you can't say it to your friends or to people you're arguing with, you just cannot say it at all without risking a ton of fans going "well you said it, therefore you deserve what you get." And, frankly, fuck that lol.

[a-very-fond-farewell]

Shipper Tag Game

the ever so wonderful @wangmiao tagged me in a game! yay :D I spend my days studying as of lately an I needed a little distraction eheh

-

1. what ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don’t care anymore?

aah man, it’s probably ed & winry from FMA if I’m being honest. now I know why, bc my baby gay younger self saw the potential for ftm!Ed and mtf!Winry since day 1 but I didn’t have the words to understand it as such back then. it’s not that I don’t care anymore but that fandom served its purpose and I am thankful for it. learned about my own stance on gender euphoria thanks to it actually even if the story has nothing to do with it in retrospect.

2. which ship would you consider your first one?

ik that, as a wee child, I was obsessed with Haruka from Sailor Moon flirting with Usagi, but I wouldn’t consider that as a proper “ship”. I learned shipping was a thing at, like, 19. but if I look back at my childhood... probably either Syaoran & Sakura (bi nation where u at??) or Touya/Yukito from Card Captor. I clocked the Tomoyo/Sakura waaaay later tho, which is a pity.

3. your first fanfic belonged to which couple?

first fanfic I read was a D. Gray Man one, so it was probably a Kanda/Allen situation yeah. I think I was 20. oh god.

4. do you remember the first couple you saw a fanart over?

hard to say. I think I had just discovered tumblr, so it means I was either 22 or 23... so I was either in the Pandora Hearts fandom or in the Tokyo Ghoul fandom. and I only followed people from those two so... I think it was an Arima/Haise one? hard to say fr.

5. did you ever get into ship discourse?

I tend to stay away from that. I just mute or block people and go back to play with my fictional people. me is petty at times, yes.

6. did you use to have any no-otp or have it currently?

I do have ships I don’t particularly like, but I find it silly to talk about them. I let people enjoy themselves.

7. who were the couples in the last fanfic you read?

Gaon/Yohan from The Devil Judge bc there’s only one fic in the whole fandom I follow and I generally don’t read fanfics that much. (I may or may not have read a fanfic from Evilive in the past month or so, but if I did I was feverish and recall very little of it).

8. currently do you have any OTPs?

man where do I start?

Shang Xirui/Cheng Fengtai from Winter Begonia

Zhou Zishu/Wen Kexing from Word of Honor

Gu Yun/Changgeng from Sha Po Lang

Seo Doyoung/Han Dongsoo from Evilive (current one)

Kim Gaon/Kang Yohan from The Devil Judge

Lee Dongsik/Han Joowon from Beyond Evil

Koo Ryeon/Park Joonggil from Tomorrow

(one sapphic ship I shall not name - for the discourse is rampant about them- but it involves ladies and dragons)

Eve Polastri/Villanelle from Killing Eve (I am waiting for the italian dub to drop season 3 and 4 in dvd, I am too attached to it to budge)

(if that news about Kim Goeun and Jeon Doyeon starring in the same thriller drama is true I will make it my entire personality so be prepared for it)

9. is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

is there?.... man I have no clue. they are all true in my heart. I can be anal about it and say that I call bullshit on the main girl in True Beauty kdrama not ending up with the second-male lead if I really have to be mad about something but... meh? that’s probably it? the characters were too young for me to empathize with them but I guess that’s still something I think about from time to time?? I feel so silly saying this ahah

10. is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

honestly, ever since kun opened my eyes about soggy older men being bullied by grumpy older men I have changed as a person. I never disliked it per se but now everything has changed. I see the vision now. I see it. thank u kun :)

11. do you have any ship that, in the past, was considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

listen. I ship changgu. it’s Gu Yun’s fault to be such a cougar, what was a growing kid like Changgeng supposed to do? not fantasize about his godfather? who, I might add, is only, like, 8 or 9 years older than him and didn’t even want to take that role to begin with and they got together when both were above their mid-twenties anyway? try again tag game. these new fandom babies are eating my face like smooth lions as we speak. (I am joking...)

12. what was your favorite crack ship?

before I left the m/dzs fandom... I guess Wen Q/ing & Lan W/angji as a “beard for beard” situation. they are gay and they are not vibing on prom night, having to dance with each other instead of looking for people they actually like. maybe it’s best that I left the fandom ahah

13. who is the couple you read most fanfics of?

I don’t really... read... fanfics... anymore. usually I’m either in a big ship or a niche show/book with no in between. in the second case... it’s bad bc I feel the urge to WRITE for the fandom and ship in question, which means that I don’t want to read fics about it unless I have finished my own fic for it (bc I don’t want to accidentally steal other people’s ideas. my subconscious is an octopus I swear, it latches onto anything that moves in my brain. I cannot do that to someone else’s creation!); in the first case it works only if I’m not active in the fandom:

take Word of Honor: I write for it and for the main ship too, so I don’t read fics about it

take Evilive or Winter Begonia: we have so few fics in there I MUST WRITE for the main ship, so I don’t read fics about it (sometimes I do cave in tho, yes I am human)

take The Devil Judge or Tomorrow: I’m not active on either of those, so I can enjoy reading fics (only two, one for each fandom)

my life is a struggle ik. the most fics I have read for a ship is probably that sapphic ship I shall not name (evil women come at me!!) and bagginshield from The Hobbit (we are talking 10 years ago tho)

14. what most of your ships usually have in common?

across all genders and all gender combos, I have generally 3 vibes going on:

twice divorced, never married

long suffering banter, but fond

not related, not chosen family, but a secret third thing

(additional flavor: either the younger one is the bossy one or they are the same age and they are making it everyone’s problem at that)

15. what you absolutely hate in a ship?

I would say conformity. if I don’t catch any queer vibes from the main source then what’s the point? even in a het ship I must latch onto some gender magic of some kind. some pegging for everyone would be nice too. or no sex at all, for a change, why not?

-

thank u once more kun for tagging me! imma tag anyone insterested in doing this and @amethystina and @danhoemei is they feel like doing it or if they just want to have a look at my replies, no pressure!!

[graysongraysoff]

Like

As much as I love fanfiction and find transformative works fascinating and valuable as literature in their own right, I can't just keep ignoring fanfic and fandom culture's contribution to the rapid decay of critical thinking and media literacy through its reliance on ships and tropes and shorthand of that nature, to the point that publishers have started marketing books via AO3 tags rather than like. Plot synopses.

And even if I could ignore that, I can't keep ignoring the ways in which this tropey shorthand on which fanfiction and, increasingly, original fiction relies contributes to ace erasure and aphobia because 90 fucking percent of it is romantic and/or sexual in nature. Despite it being 2024 in two days and aromanticism and asexuality being more visible than ever before, as time goes on it only feels more and more to me like the only avenues for participating in fandom is via shipping. Gen content exists but always as a secondary interest, an afterthought. A single themed week in a year of shipping events and zines and gift exchanges. If I want to RP I need to provide a list of not only characters I'm willing to play but also characters I'm willing to ship with. I once joined a character-centric Discord server and the only information asked for in the intro post template other than name, age, and socials was "What are your favorite [character] ships?" Not like, oh I don't know, "What is your favorite thing about [character]? What do you like about them?" I am, no joke, asked about my favorite ships in fandom spaces more often than I'm asked about my favorite characters.

And it's not that I don't ship things or engage with shippy content, I obviously do, the last thing I posted was a 5k STSG reverse bang fic, but what I'm trying to articulate is like. Sometimes it feels like an interest in romance and shipping is like. A prerequisite. For participating in fandom in a way that makes people actually want to interact with you and be your friend. Which, as someone whose primary interest in fandom is gen content, feels really, like. Intimidating and exclusionary, at best. At worst it feels like I'm the only ace at the high school lunch table again and everyone's being horny and I'm just sitting there like 🙂.

And beneath all of this is the deep, deep fear that all of the above is just me obfuscating my own internalized self-loathing and aphobia and petty jealousy of people I know personally with fancy academic language and none of these are actually problems in fandom at large but rather just. Personal things I need to talk to my therapist about and get over, which. Well, I guess both can be true. These can be problems in fandom at large and also things I'm dealing with personally that I need to get over.

Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I've been grappling with recently and why I've been considering, more seriously than I ever have before, just not posting fanfic anymore. Which is kind of huge for me since I've been posting fanfiction since 2011. But lately I find I spend more time and energy feeling bad about it than I do feeling good, which is a devastating realization to have about something I do for fun and one of my main hobbies for over a decade.

And idk. In all likelihood I will not stick to this. I've already started writing a sequel to a fic I posted this year, but I could just write it for myself and not post it. I'm still flip-flopping on whether I'll apply to an upcoming Gojo & Megumi zine, but I'm leaning towards not since it's a fluff/comedy zine for one, and also because one of the many things I learned this year is that deadlines make fic feel like homework to me. I've been having so many of these nights lately where thinking about fanfic and fandom just makes me so miserable, it seems like it might just be better to take myself out of the equation entirely. To stop breaking my own heart over a perceived lack of attention and validation by no longer seeking it, but idk. I've tried and failed to quit fic before, so only time will tell.

I wish I was smart enough to articulate the connection between

My lingering self-loathing/internalized aphobia from the "ace discourse" days

My disillusionment with fandom and the strong temptation to stop posting fanfiction altogether, period, forever

The sudden resurgence of my horrible tendency toward extreme childish tantrums of jealousy which literally hasn't reared its ugly head since I was a junior in college

[matan4il]

One of the reasons I'm still 95% confident in Buddie Canon is Ryan's acting choices. And I don't think they are just gonna be surprised one day like by the way here's next week's script you guys become a couple. I think since at least S3 they were given a heads up at least a bit. Also as someone who knows of shows where actors intentionally tried to get another LI by switching up the chemistry with other characters--- if Ryan didn't want to go that way he definitely could have sold Anna better. Not sure if that makes sense??

But we constantly for 3 seasons have gotten his subtle nods and sometimes I think we just don't appreciate it as much as we should. Ryan's portrayal of Eddie has definitely morphed into how petty he can be in the funnest way possible. With Buck its in the cute way he teases him, it reminds me of a boy pulling a girl's pony tale. With Taylor it's that subtle cattiness he adds to it and I love it.

I just really don't think Ryan would lean into it much if he wasn't given direction and wasn't aware where it was going.

Hi Nonnie! Thank you for the ask!

Oh, for sure there’s no other satisfying outcome for either Buck, Eddie OR Chris. That kid also deserves to have these morons working it out and getting together. Without a doubt, the possibility of canon Buddie has been talked about. I think Ryan mentioned back in s2 that he and Oliver talked about this and showed each other Buddie edits, Tim also mentioned discussing this in the writers room, JLH also came out strongly for Buddie during s3, so if it happens, it will hardly be a surprise to anyone.

TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out Ryan and Oli have always been making acting choices with Buddie in mind. They indicated early on that they’d be on board with it, which is the most any actors can say in those cases where the execs hadn’t come out and stated anything concrete. I get what you’re saying about switching up the chemistry and it def happens on some shows. IDK about Ana, because if Ryan was explicitly told to sell awkwardness with her, I don’t think he would have gone against orders, but I do believe that between those early statements and also that one interview in s3 ahead of the finale where Ryan was basically, “Abby who? Abby’s been replaced with Eddie!” that this is exactly what Ryan would prefer as long as it’s up to him.

I think Ryan and Oliver both give performances where it’s evident that their characters couldn’t be more in love with each other. Every facial expression, every glance, every show of fondness and joy and contentment just to be together, even the way they’re physically so in sync on calls, but only with each other, we haven’t seen them portraying their characters being that in tune, that comfortable, that teasing, that happy around anyone else on or off the job... 

IDK if that means they were given directions on this, though I do think in s2 the show def deliberately wanted to set things up for canon Buddie being an option at some point, and I am as sure as I can be without any confirmation that if it were up to Ryan and Oliver, Buddie would be canon. Did I mention they freaking named our ship?

Thank you again, lovely! I hope you have a great day! xoxox

(I got an influx of asks, I WILL answer all of them, but it might take a sec. If anyone wants to check whether I've already answered theirs or to read my replies, here's my ask tag. Thank you! xoxox)

[thornfield13713]

Okay. I do not normally, do this, as everyone has their own takes and that is usually fine, I go out of my way to avoid the sort of takes that make me actively angry, but- I’m not even angry about this one, I just think it’s hilarious.

Like, someone in the tag (to avoid shaming this person I will not name them here) just described Izzy as ‘good at reading emotions, big picture stuff, deferred gratification, etc’.

Like...honey. Sweetheart. My sibling in Hades. Where the fuck are you getting that one from?

Like, Izzy’s utter lack of emotional awareness or ability to read people is one of his defining character traits. Like...this is the guy who cannot comprehend Ed’s mental state when Ed is standing right in front of him going ‘I am so bored that even death sounds like a welcome reprieve from the grind my life has become’. Who takes fully two weeks to realise that maybe, just maybe, Ed doesn’t want to kill the guy he’s been making heart-eyes at since they got on the ship. Who doesn’t notice the brewing mutiny right under his nose until he is literally tied to the anchor and about to be thrown overboard.

Izzy is terrible at reading or understanding emotions and that is...kind of his thing.

For that matter, ‘big-picture stuff’?

Izzy is...not great at that, either. If he were, he’d...probably have caught on that there’s a reason why Blackbeard is asking him about clouds. While they are on a sailing ship. Being able to read the weather and tides is...kind of an important skill for a tall-ship sailor, and Ed is clearly frustrated that Izzy isn’t getting it. That line about how ‘it’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes’ is a pretty clear indication that this is a conversation they’ve had before. Someone who was good at big-picture thinking might step back and go ‘okay, why are you telling me this’. Someone who was good at sailing (there is no way Buttons would’ve missed it) would’ve gone ‘oh. Fog’s coming in, then.’

But even putting that instance of it aside...Izzy is sort of locked in his own head. Most of us are to some extent, but Izzy is really bad at seeing things outside his own worldview. Like, from a big-picture perspective, putting the guy whose one real job aboard ship is being literate on various jobs of gruelling make-work (literally none of the tasks Izzy assigns to Lucius are a) urgent or b) even really within the realm of normal shipboard maintenance, as many other metas have pointed out) all of which are hard on the hands is putting his own petty satisfaction above the smooth running of the ship. Likewise, you can see it in his decision to starve the crew for making smart remarks at him when...he doesn’t actually have that big a crew and having people too weak to work is also going to undermine the running of the ship. Hell, calling in the British Navy on fellow pirates is itself quite a short-sighted decision, not least because there is absolutely nothing stopping the Navy from going ‘right, thanks for your service, you will be rewarded...as a traitor deserves, hang the lot of them from the yardarm’. Yes, okay, that is not what happened, because this is a romcom, but there was literally nothing stopping it, and colonial powers are not known for playing nicely with...basically anyone in a weaker position than them. 

Again and again, Izzy puts his own pettiness ahead of and above the larger picture of ‘we are all on a ship at sea and need to be able to work together in order to keep that ship running’. Hell, it’s even arguably part of what loses him both his confrontations with Stede, as he gets distracted by minor annoyances (and, admittedly, his own absolute contempt for anyone who doesn’t fit his model of martial masculinity) and thus fails to see the trap until it snaps shut on him.

And finally, ‘deferred gratification’. We have less evidence of this being nonsense than the other two, but I would point out that...okay, if Izzy believes that the plan is genuinely ‘Blackbeard learns everything he can from Bonnet to enable him to kill Bonnet, take over Bonnet’s life and sail away into the sunset, leaving me the captaincy’...a fortnight is an insane timetable for that. Even putting aside the fact that I don’t think Izzy was at all keen on the ‘Blackbeard retires to a life of luxury ashore and I take over as captain’ part of the plan...the point I am making here is, Izzy doesn’t care either way. What he wants is Stede Bonnet dead, and he wants it now.

So...yeah. I honestly think this is the funniest Bad Take in the fandom so far, just because it flies so much in the face of everything we get to see about Izzy. And...honestly, I’m not sure who even makes this argument? Like- Izzy is a petty, small-minded martinet with the emotional intelligence of a bent and rusty fork and absolutely no ability to consider any perspective but his own. That’s what makes him funny.

[eemoo1o-animoo]

Went to the Kuro tag for the first time in forever, saw your live blogging of the book of the Atlantic, liked your takes, went to your profile, liked your takes there, followed you

Currently looking for ppl to talk about black butler with so >~>

Your blog says you got opinions about claude and Sebastian, never considered that ship before; wanna tell me about it?

*wheezy fucking WHEEZE*

Aww, got me blushing I see. (It’s also a relief to see my blog back in the tags after the fortnight long shadowban lol definitely not scarred by that).

Relatively new to the fandom (I’d say since mid-July this year but I genuinely can’t tell you for certain, but I’ve known of the anime since the day I added it to my Netflix list after over-hearing someone talk about it and then just never watched it, and so eventually it got removed from Netflix anyway so), but I finally got into it because of an amv of an awesome cover where on the original video (of the cover) people were saying they found it because of a Black Butler amv. Of course, I did the opposite, lmao.

I’m not a manga reader, although I would like to be, and I do/have spoil(ed) myself for most of the lore from the wiki and talk of the manga stuff. Just thought I’d get that out of the way.

It’s interesting how s2 isn’t apart of the manga, because it is an interesting concept (more demons), and I just think that that Sebastian deserves another demon to be petty and to twirl around with, you know?

Lmao, the “live reactions” are relatively spontaneous. I just watch something and I’m like “oh my god oh my god, so like” and on one of my posts I speculated (never reading the manga but knowing of R!Ciel) and someone commented “Yeah, that’s exactly what happened”. And I’m like “haha, well fuck me I am the messiah”.

And thanks for the follow! I really appreciated that! (Again, it’s a baby blog only made in like, early October maybe after I realised I was spamming my main with too much Kuro, so I’m always so glad that someone finds interest in it.)

Feel free to talk/ask anytime, also.

As for Claudebastian… well, for one, I try tagging my posts as concisely as I can, so for the whole “shipping timeline” I suppose you could search for #claudebastian on my profile. (Is that link working? I don’t think it is.) Or #seblaude, because they’re tagged with both.

I also do character playlists for Kuro (an incomplete list, because I couldn’t do anything during the shadowban). Plus, fanfiction. My AO3 is linked in my bio, and the majority of that pseud’s works are Claudebastian.

I suppose the main things to know about me and Claudebastian is:

I first hate-shipped Clannah(?) because I resented them both.

By episode five, Bedewed Butler, (an episode I only remember the name and number of because I had to type it out like a million times when I made a bunch of GIFs for the episode, all under #my gifs and #they’re gay your honour) I started to ship them.

I made a headcanon list regarding them so I could work past the week of writer’s block I had for my second one shot (which I’m still writing and hope to get out later today if I’m so lucky).

My first Claudebastian fic that I made is the one mentioned on top, aka. an unfinished one shot trilogy that I made before even finishing season two and labelled His Mate, Loving (The Claudebastian Collection), because I wholeheartedly expected it to be my one and only Claudebastian work.

I was wrong.

My second published work for Claudebastian (third for Kuro as a whole) is Dear Claude, something which I tried leaving as a fic with an ambiguous relationship/feelings, but it was kinda hard to write that way.

I intend on writing a platonic Grellebastian friendship fic (bit of angst, one sided Grelliam, Grelltaker as the end goal maybe, possibly, who knows) which you can probably find under #grelle fic.

That fic is currently back in action, so to speak, after I’ve watched BoA.

Which is infuriating because I hesitated to watch season three in fear of killing the Claudebastian mood (it did not, probably because of William being there lol), and same goes for Book of Murder, but then I went into Book of Atlantic so I could make GIFs for an up and coming Grelle vs The Undertaker character analysis, but came out with the inspo for Claudebastian slipping away (and after such a good week/maybe two weeks of writing little and often for that one shot).

Kind of re-contemplating the toxic Clauannah marriage (again). Fuck my life.

The theme is kind of a reference to my reactions to season two (and Claudebastian) clogging up my main and resulting in the creation of the blog. Plus I ship them.

Sorry if this doesn’t serve as much of a reply to your questions, but I tried. Feel free to ask again when you’re able!

TL;DR — I’m a rambling idiot.

[smidgen-of-hotboy]

i am dragging petrushka aurinkovich nureyev out from your tags bc WHAT EXCUSE ME WHAT I LOVE THIS??? I want a fic about this. a fic where Peter makes a name for himself, his own name, molded the way he wants it to be remembered, shaped how he wants, yet he's still peter, he's still nureyev, but he's also Aurinko. Petrushka Aurinkovich Nureyev. smth smth- Juno breathed life into his name, Peter gave him the most important thing he had to offer all those years ago, the Aurinko Crime Family is his family, Hyperion is his home in equal parts Brahma and New Kinshasa and the Outer Rim his home, and Buddy is NOT his mother is not a maternal/parental figure but she is important to him and she does lead this family he is a part of.

I DIGRESS- Juno putting aside his pettiness and being kind to Slip would be so much character growth. Juno from S1 could never. Juno knows that nureyev's journal was a careful curation and he knows that the "revolutionary Peter Nureyev" was also a careful curation. He knows to some extent that Peter dreams and that some, if not most, of what he knows about Peter has been the truth stretched out. So whatever version of Slip Peter put into the journal and whatever version Juno has in mind is bound to not match up at all. Peter talks him up as the coolest and wisest person ever. He's more likely to be a lil nerdy loser (affectionate). (also mista nureyev really does have a type doesn't he? i don't have the brain power for it rn but I'm sure it could be done to find all the parallels between slip and juno, smth smth foils? Is Slip Jackson a Juno Steel foil? idk not my problem rn at close to midnight)

And the way you described Nureyev honestly makes it sound like he's not just floundering he's disassociated(? that's not the right term i don't think but it's the closest i can get to what I'm thinking right now.) He's stuttering and stumbling for his footing and forced to unpack twenty years of filing away for future consideration. THE DREAM IS OVER PETYA BUT IT'S STILL OKAY THAT WE DREAMED IT!! twenty years of stress that's been eating him alive and guilt that's been knotted so tight around him he can't breathe- all gone. no executives. no dark matters. no GAS. he's been dreaming of this moment this whole time, and he doesn't know what to say or how to act (smth smth parallels to Juno "say it, say you never want to see me again- and oh shit you said it, i don't know what to do or feel anymore" Steel)

Miscellaneous things:

Rita would tell Slip all about the Freedom in Chains play and Juno's bad acting and he'd grumble about the whole thing but smile behind his hand

Would Slip even have an inkling of an idea who Buddy and Vespa are? They met about 20 years prior to Juno's Murderous Mask case, and in those 20 years Slip's been in a coma. Math and timeline unclear. I could obsess over this for a day if given the time

But also i think it funny Slip is put off by Buddy bc she calls Peter Pete and he clicks with Vespa and meanwhile Peter would later tell him "do you even know who they are?" because he used to idolize them, and Slip laughs until he realizes Peter is serious and "No. Are they important or something?"

Juno would talk fondly about Old Town and his love for his home, Slip would say something about getting to see it since they're on Mars, and Juno would have to tell him it's all gone. "Well it sounds like you have a lot of good memories, and that's what's important" and suddenly Juno understands why Peter thought Slip was so wise when they kids.

Juniper is such a good ship name, i don't see it happening, but it's still okay that we dreamed it etc etc- BUT IF IT DID HAPPEN!! Slip telling Nureyev "your lady friend- he looks good next to you" and Juno detecting it out "you still love him. I can't take that away from you" and Nureyev seeing how well they click and now there's a new thing eating at him "i love my girlfriend but i also love my boyfriend why can't we all be happy together". Shenanigans ensue.

it's just. the lock, the fucking lock right? the stim toy lock where the combination changes as you try to pick it. like we actually saw them do it, the executives scrambling the parameters to force him to keep up (also WHOOP right in tandem with the impact of the 'making radiation treatments free' thing!) but also there's this sense of it almost doesn't matter because it's literally their game and they can make him play along, nothing's going to give until they show their hand

[deadlyglacier]

20 Questions tag~

I was tagged by @mythicamagic thank you senpai~<3

How many works do you have on AO3?

40 right now, plus 1 that is still hidden because of the SOFA Exchange event.  (I’m still a lil fish.)

What’s your total AO3 word count?

486,920!  That’s so amazing to me!

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

InuYasha - A Feudal Fairytale (18)

FullMetal Alchemist (18)

Mass Effect Trilogy (3)

Let’s Play (Webtoon) (1)

Kingdom Hearts (1) But I hope to write for many more fandoms in the future!  I have ideas for fics for Castlevania, Skyrim, Fallout 4, Last of Us Part II, and more!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

#1.  Stardust FemShep/Garrus, Mass Effect Trilogy, Rated Explicit. A retelling of the Shepard/Vakarian love story, with lots (and LOTS) of sexiness, from Garrus' point of view. Starts from before the Omega-4 and will end sometime after the end of ME3. Trying to stay as true to the game as possible, while adding some things happening off camera and a new ending.

#2.  Flamingo Sess/Kag, Inuyasha, Rated Explicit Kagome's method of beating the summer heat attracts a certain demon lord...

#3.  Hawk Sess/Kag, Inuyasha, Rated Explicit Kagome and Sesshomaru discover they have a mutual attraction for each other after a battle and a slight comedic incident brings them together. At first their relationship seems entirely sexual, but eventually evolves into something real. What will this romance mean for Naraku? Or even the future?  *TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHAPTER 6! MAJOR VIOLENCE AND TRAGEDY* Very, very loosely based on "A Mere Digression" by elle6778

#4.  Daisy Sam/Charles, Let’s Play, Rated Mature Sam wakes up somewhere unfamiliar with a splitting headache with no memory of the night before. Takes place right after the S2 finale.  First chapter was my prediction for what would happen next, and then three other “wishful thinking” chapters happened, lol.

#5.  Chemistry Ed/Winry, FullMetal Alchemist, Rated Mature A look at how the relationship between Ed and Winry developed after Brotherhood ended.  Cute, sweet, funny, and hot (eventually—y'all that know me know I gotta have some NSFW in there).

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to respond to everyone, especially when a fic of mine has just been posted, but sometimes I just forget.  If I haven’t responded to your comment, please know it’s just because I’m a big dumb and forgot!  I love getting comments, and I reread them all the time!  I just feel like there’s a time limit to when I can respond to them--if I let too much go by, it’s awkward if I reply.  Gah, but that’s just me getting in my own head, I guess.  I’ll do better!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oof, definitely Psychology, a fic I wrote for RoyEdOTPoly this year.  The prompt I got was dark, and I didn’t see any way around an angsty ending.  Read at your own risk!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Well, aside from the last fic, I try to write happy endings for all my fics!  But, if I have to name names, I’m torn between Zoology (another FullMetal Alchemist fic, RoyEd, for RoyEdOTPoly this year) and Stardust (my Mass Effect fic, which is long, but so worth it, in my opinion).  Both are very fluffy in the end!

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Argh...  I don’t really like crossovers, to be honest.  I actively avoid them when looking for fics to read.  But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought of writing them myself.  (I’m a total hypocrite, I know.)  I had an idea for an Inuyasha x The Sims fic, years ago, that I never did anything with.  The premise was basically Inuyasha and Kagome would get trapped in the game somehow (via the jewel or magic or something), and they’d be controlled by Souta, Kagome’s friends, Hojo--all sorts of different people who think the fact that Kagome and Inuyasha are in the game is just some kind of silly mod.  I probably won’t write it, so if anyone is interested in that crazy idea, have at it!  You have my blessing. <3 I also have a crazy crossover idea for what I call an “Ultimate OT3″ of mine that I’ve mentioned to my friends, but I haven’t actually written down yet:  Sesshomaru/Alucard/Sebastian Michaelis.  So be on the lookout for that!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I wouldn’t call it “hate” so much as “mansplaining,” but I have gotten a couple of comments that made my eyebrow twitch on Stardust--both on AO3 and FFN.  Just dudes (and I’m fairly certain they were dudes, just from their tone) trying to explain why a certain plot twist wouldn’t work, or tell me how to save Sidonis in the actual game (which I already knew, that person just didn’t read what I wrote). I’ve also gotten a comment on one of my more controversial fics, Hippology, on FFN, where the person asked me if I thought my summary was K-Rated (which, admittedly, it does need to be for the site, and mine wasn’t--because of a single word).  I changed it and messaged them saying it was fixed.  Going to that commenter’s profile, however, proved to be fairly enlightening...  They’re nuts.  They have another profile, too.  Read at your own risk.  Yikes. There’s also a team of people on FFN who make it their life’s mission to report stories with rule violations.  I’ve gotten a comment from one of them as well.  These people are not mods, they just like to pretend they are--one of them even made their name look official!  “CU Administration,” gtfo dude. I also recently got one of my fics removed from FFN.  It wasn’t even one of my sexiest ones!  They put me in timeout for 48 hours, and when I was finally able to publish something new on the site again, I posted Hippology (my centaur smut), and it’s still up as I type this.  (Wonder how long it’ll take them to notice?)  And since the fic that got taken down was a SessKag fic, I’m thinking it might have been a petty SessRinner who reported it to the “authorities” of FFN, because another friend of mine got hers taken down not long after mine, and it was also SessKag.  Just my tinfoil theory, anyway!

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes, yes, yes.  It’s practically all I write.  I do all sorts of smut, from romantic, sensual stuff, to specific kinks, to monsterfucking--all that good stuff.  Can’t change me~<3

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

God, I hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so.  No one has asked me if they can translate one, anyway.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet!  I’m open to the idea, and I’ve had little discussions with my fic-writing buddies about it, but nothing’s come out of it just yet.  Keep your eyes peeled!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh, now come on!  I can’t pick just one!  But I’ll give you a top 3 (in no particular order, because they change places a lot, depending on how obsessed I am with them at the moment). Inuyasha:  Sess/Kag FullMetal Alchemist:  Roy/Ed Mass Effect:  Garrus/FemShep

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have a couple of stories that I deleted from my original FFN account that I’d like to re-write and re-post on AO3, but I don’t think I’ll ever get around to it.  There were a couple of Inu/Kag fics I had in-progress, and then a Koug/Kag fic.  I recently rewrote and reposted my SessKag fic from years ago, Hawk, on FFN, AO3, and Dokuga!  So maybe all hope isn’t lost.  I’m even writing a sequel for Hawk! All the stories I have in-progress right now I plan on finishing.  At some point, lol.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, without a doubt.  It’s my favorite thing to write, aside from smut, of course--which is another strength of mine.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions, ugh.  I try to do them well, but I always feel like they get stale.  So I keep them somewhat vague, because in my mind, I think readers will fill in the gaps themselves whether you describe something immaculately or not--they’ll see what they want to see, and that is totally fine in my book!  Or maybe I’m just making excuses, lol.  I’ll only describe something in a lot of detail if I want the reader to focus on that--usually an outfit, accessory, or weapon--otherwise, I leave it up to their imagination (I don’t want manipulate it too much, I suppose).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Wildly unnecessary unless that author speaks the language as well, or if certain words already exist in the fandom’s translations (ex. “youkai,” “alkahestry,” etc).

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Inuyasha, and the fic(s) I wrote in the beginning were terrible.  I want to burn all traces of them off the face of the earth.  I was in middle school.  I was young and stupid.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I gotta go with Stardust.  It’s the longest fic I’ve ever completed at more than 160k words.  I was so immensely proud when I typed “The End,” and I was able to say to myself “I did it.”

I tag: @glassesmcfancyhair @willowsrain 

[ccelinewritess]

dating lily evans would include

pairing - lily evans x female! muggleborn! reader

requested by @doitforthevine67 ( thank you sm! )

note - i’m a simp for lily now. i hope you enjoy! i pray to god i got the timeline right. p.s i am in no way trying to justify snapes later actions by the boys pranks. also I’m sorry for any spelling / grammar errors, i wrote this wayyyy to late.

( more fics and hcs on the way ! )

You’d been a marauder since you met the boys on the train in first year

They were lovely friends, but you tended to butt heads with them because of the pranks. You just didn’t think some of them were very nice.

Our story begins in fifth year

Slughorn finally dismissed you after you cleaned up your cauldron ( which exploded when you weren’t paying attention )

And now your looking for the boys at all the normal places they take breaks: the courtyard, the main corridors, heck even their dorms

No where to be seen

Until you finally head to the grounds and see a...crowd?

The closer and closer you approach you realize James is pointing his wand something

And then your mouth falls into an ‘o’ shape and you stop in your tracks because jesus fuck why is Snape upside down?

Your feet start moving again and you push through the crowd, begging James to just put him down

‘For the love of god James just put him down! He’s not worth it.’

It took a few more attempts before he lets him down, but he does eventually.

But.. Snape’s only ‘thank you’ was an ‘i don’t need your help mud-blood,’ causing you to run back towards the castle. Lily was heading towards the crowd you just left.

You collapsed on your bed, a stray tear escaping your eye. You knew you shouldn’t cry over his words, he was just an ass but god did it hurt.

Meanwhile back on the grounds, though, Lily just asked James why you seemed so angry

and oh boy

SHE WENT OFFFF ON SNAPE

no one survives the raft of an angry lily evans

Even Snape was practically in tears—she didn’t hesitate to call him out on anythinggg

Starting but not limited to the fact Snape had no right to say shit about bloodtypes, and how Y/N was extremely smart

When she finished making all her points, the boys headed back to your room, somehow managing to get in

They felt awful that happened to you, especially James, lots of bear hugs from them all

Then they tell you about Lily

Well more of a re-enactment, which had you laughing on the outside but really wondering if they had made the whole thing up to make to laugh or if it was true

Then the next day it was confirmed as the story practically flew around the castle

You mustered up the courage to thank her after a few days

Which she replied to with a small smile and an ‘ofcourse, Y/N. you didn’t deserve that, hell no one does.Those bloody pranks don't put him in his place, it was about time someone really did.’

After that she starts hanging out with you and the guys wayy more often

it’s small things that cause crushes to form on both sides, but there actually quite similar

your both very passionate, and stand up for what you believe in

natural sparks, yk?

And when you got talking about something that was important to you and got all cute and serious she just falls for you.

So damn quick.

She could go on for hours about you if someone would listen

That someone usually ended up being remus, but he didn’t mind

Although, he was a bit shocked when he realized really liked you

and in more than a friend way

Remus became her hypeman—and it helped he was a good secret keeper

It does take her a bit longer than she’d like to admit to finally confess because she’s never had a super good muggleborn friend that understands her like you do

She doesn’t want to jeopardize that

But the opportunities keep presenting themselves and she doesn’t want to miss another one

So she invites you on a walk around the black lake—which you agree to ofcourse

And well it’s a complete word vomit, but it’s all sweet and kind

for someone who seems very confident...jeez she was practically buzzing with nerves while waiting for you to respond

But she melts right then and there when you return the feelings

OKAY NOW ONTO THE EVEN BETTER STUFF

In my mind Lily grew up cooking with her Mum, so naturally she’s amazing

Many dates in the kitchens, cooking and baking the day away

Any pda is out of sheer amazement at your beauty and wanting to show you off—not jealousy or anger or any petty shit

On that note : she’s not really jealous or possessive. trusts you completely and vice versa

The sass comes in quite handy when y’all have roast sessions with the boys

like that episode of the office I kid you not, y’all invented boom roasted

Lily’s sass alone is a lot to grasp, but the sheer power you hold together ( remus is always on your team aswell )

‘James, your middle name is Fleamont. not much else to say.’ ‘Boom Roasted.’

But other than that y’all are some of the kindest people around the castle

Everyone’s favourite couple, even the professors gotta admit that the two of you are absolutely adorable

She loves to have her hair braided

Hand holding. 24/7.

Not very cuddly unless inprivate, when the two of you are alone though.. She’s a completely different person

Deep convos at like 2am cause neither of you can sleep, especially on full moons

A pure relationship. I ship.

-

hope you enjoyed!

tags ( general ) - @malfoys-demigod @pcseidcnsvoid @itsivyberry @sinful-gin @thefandomplace @hariosborn @planetkt @ilove-cedricdiggory

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 16 of 26

Title: Tales From Earthsea (Earthsea Cycle #5) (2001)

Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Short Story Collection, Novella, Third-Person, Female Protagonist 

Rating: 8/10 (note: this is an average)

Date Began: 7/2/2021

Date Finished: 7/6/2021

Tales From Earthsea is a collection of five short stories and novellas which take place in the Earthsea universe. In addition, there’s a supplementary timeline of Earthsea’s history, tradition, and cultural details of note. The last story in the collection, Dragonfly, serves as a bridge between Tehanu (#4) and The Other Wind (#6), the final book in the series. 

Of the five stories, my favorites (both 10/10s) were The Finder and On The High Marsh.

The way one does research into nonexistent history is to tell the story and find out what happened. I believe this isn’t very different from what historians of the so-called real world do. Even if we are present at some historic event, do we comprehend it— can we even remember it— until we can tell it in a story? 

Content warnings, individual ratings/commentary, and spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Death and violence, child abuse (including implied sexual abuse), police brutality, slavery, reference to torture and execution, brief reference to inc*st, misogyny, animal cruelty, mild body horror, very brief implied mind control via a "love charm" (it doesn't work).

#1 - The Finder (10/10)

In The Dark Time, magic is widely mistrusted. Petty tyrants use the once noble art in pursuit of power and glory. Medra, the son of a shipwright in Havnor, has magical talents honed in secret. One day, he curses a ship built for a warlord’s fleet. Unfortunately, he gets caught and sent to a prison camp. There he is forced to use finding magic to locate veins of cinnabar.

The prison exists to refine quicksilver, a substance the most powerful mage on the island believes will turn him into a god. While in the refinery, Medra feels a spiritual connection to a dying slave, a young woman named Anieb. The two of them devise a plan to kill the mage and escape. Medra’s journey eventually takes him to the island of Roke and the founding of its prestigious wizard school. 

‘The dead are dead. The great and mighty go their way unchecked. All the hope left in the world is in the people of no account.’ 

I really enjoyed this novella. The Dark Time is largely unexplored in the stories of Earthsea, so it was interesting to read about it here. I get the feeling that we’re approaching or in the middle of one such time in the real world, so seeing a version of it on the page is depressing yet hopeful. The story is dark; mass feudal warfare, a literal concentration camp in the opening half, widespread enslavement, and abuse of power. But it also offers hope and the promise of change. The story also explores the integral role of women in not only the preservation of magic in a bleak age of humanity, but the very foundation of Roke. 

Medra’s story spoke to me; how he resists the despotic powers-that-be, his connection with Anieb even after her tragic death, and how despite his disillusionment with humanity, he ultimately fights to create a better world. I also thought Gelluk was a horrifying villain. He’s characterized as a soft-spoken, almost kindly man who loves children and animals— yet his narrative thoughts involve burning hundreds of slaves alive in order to better fuel the quicksilver refinery. “Nice doesn’t mean good” taken to an extreme, and a mirror of many villains in the real world. 

Le Guin was anti-capitalist, but that way of thinking seems peripheral in the Earthsea series. The Finder, however, definitely has a Marxist reading in it. A recurring theme is the disenfranchised rising up against the powerful. Indeed both antagonists, who are despotic wizards of great power, are soundly defeated by groups of people they consider powerless. Magic is only considered relevant for the value and power it produces, an idea antithetical to the rest of the series. The quicksilver refinery also embraces anti-capitalist rhetoric; this section focuses on how mass enslavement and death is used to manufacture a meaningless commodity only one person “benefits” from. That’s not even getting into the prison-industrial complex. 

I dunno. This story slaps. It’s not at all what I expected from a Roke origin story.

#2 - Diamond and Darkrose (5/10)

Diamond, the son of a prosperous lumber merchant, struggles to find his true calling in life. His father disapproves of almost everything he does, including his close friendship with the local witch’s daughter Rose. While he loves music, his father derides his talents and forces him to abandon the pursuit. When Diamond shows some  promise in magic, he travels to a neighboring town to serve as the local wizard’s apprentice. But when this path estranges him from Rose, he grows disillusioned.

Rose had looked after herself from an early age; and this was one of the reasons Diamond loved her. With her, he knew what freedom was. Without her, he could attain it only when he was hearing and singing and playing music.

I did not like this story very much. I gave Diamond and Darkrose a 5/10 because it’s competently written (duh), and the protagonist has a character arc not entirely dependent on the central romance. But that’s about all I can say for it.

None of the characters are especially appealing. Diamond’s mentor figures are all extremely narrow-minded. Rose, supposedly his true love since childhood, drops him the moment things become difficult. And Diamond himself is a pushover who only grows a spine and pursues his dreams at the end of the story. I understand that’s his character flaw and his arc is about overcoming that. But due to all these factors, I was annoyed by every major character. The only person I didn’t dislike was Diamond’s mother, who only shows up for a couple of scenes.

Someone please tell me there are love stories out there where the romantic tension is NOT based on a fucking MISUNDERSTANDING. That shit drives me up a wall! It’s so overdone and painful to read.

#3 - The Bones of the Earth (8/10)

Dulse is an aging wizard on the island of Gont, reflecting on his life and relationship with his former apprentice, a young man he calls Silence. But he senses something amiss on the island; a massive earthquake poised to destroy a nearby port town and its inhabitants. To avert disaster, Dulse realizes he must turn to an ancient form of magic taught to him long ago— and he needs Silence’s help to save the town.

In there he knew he should hurry, that the bones of the earth ached to move, and that he must become them to guide them, but he could not hurry. There was on him the bewilderment of any transformation. He had in his day been fox, and bull, and dragonfly, and knew what it was to change being. But this was different, this slow enlargement. I am vastening, he thought.

So I’ve always liked Ogion in the main series; I love the idea of an immensely powerful wizard who lives an unassuming life of silence, contemplation, and appreciation of the natural world. In The Bones of the Earth, we get a glimpse of Ogion through his mentor’s eyes. Ogion’s heroism and how he stopped the earthquake is mentioned several times in the main series, but this is our first look at what actually happened.

Dulse is an unexpected and fascinating perspective character. It would be so easy to tell this story wholly from Ogion’s perspective, but I think making Dulse the protagonist was the right call. In particular, Dulse’s mind is starting to go. Le Guin presents this by utilizing flashbacks and connecting them to the present. This technique conveys Dulse’s disorientation and confusion so the reader experiences it alongside him... it’s hard to describe without actually reading the story. I also loved the little twist at the end regarding where Dulse learned the ancient magic that saves the island. There’s also a strong thematic connection to The Farthest Shore; death and becoming one with the rest of the world.

#4 - On The High Marsh (10/10)

A half-mad wanderer named Irioth comes upon a small settlement on the volcanic, marshy island of Semel. A murrain has been devastating the local cattle population, and Irioth offers his powers as a curer to heal the animals. He settles into a calm rural life with Gift, a widow working a small dairy. Though Gift likes Irioth, and the animals instinctively trust him, she senses something amiss with the man. Soon, Irioth’s dark past threatens to return and disturb the peace.

“Oh, yes,” Irioth said. “It was my fault.” But she forgave, and the grey cat was pressed up against his thigh, dreaming. The cat’s dreams came into his mind, in the low fields where he spoke with the animals, the dusky places. The cat leapt there, and then there was milk, and the deep soft thrilling. There was no fault, only the great innocence. No need for words. They would not find him here. He was not here to find. There was no need to speak any name. There was nobody but her, and the cat dreaming, and the fire flickering. He had come over the dead mountain on black roads, but here the streams ran slow among the pastures.

This story is a banger. It has a Western vibe— a stranger coming into a cattle town haunted by a mysterious past. Also cowboys. It’s an atmospheric story, and I think hits on the “small rural town” vibe better than Tehanu did. But there were several writing choices I especially liked.

We don’t learn Irioth’s name until a little while into the story; his physical description, temperament, and ability to immediately identify Gift’s true name just by looking at her makes one assume he’s Ged. He’s also got an interesting redemption arc, because it’s presented in a reverse order. We see Irioth’s genuine desire to do good, and his gentle and patient manner with animals and other people. He doesn’t even consider asking for payment for curing the murrain until Gift tells him he should. But there’s a sense that something is off; he’s paranoid, clearly running from something. The use-name he picks is Otak, a fictional ferret-like creature— which Gift asserts looks nice, but has sharp teeth.

Near the end, Ged actually does show up and explain what happened to Irioth. They have pretty similar backstories; both were powerful, arrogant young mages who messed with forces  they shouldn’t have, then went through great personal sacrifice to right the wrong (oh god the initial deception was intentional they’re narrative foils oh god). Ged embraced the darkest aspects of himself to avert calamity. Irioth came to Semel to escape Roke and atone by helping others. One detail I especially liked was that Irioth once considered healing beneath him, but now he takes a deep joy in using it to help. 

#5 - Dragonfly (8/10)

Irian lives a solitary life-- her father is a drunkard living in the ruins of their family’s once prosperous estate. Her closest relationship is with the local village witch, who named her in secret in the dead of night.  When a disgraced young wizard named Ivory comes to town, he sees Irian as a potential conquest. To gain power over her, he hatches a scheme; disguise Irian as a man, travel to Roke, and sneak her into the male-only wizard school— humiliating the great Masters.

But Irian is restless. She knows she has power, but her true nature is a mystery even to her. Irian sees Ivory’s plan as an opportunity to find answers from the most powerful wizards in the world. When the Doorkeeper actually lets her into the school, she finds herself in a magical and political conflict over the future of Roke— and discovers what exactly she is.

“Dark is bad,” said the Patterner. “Eh?”

Irian drew a deep breath and looked at him eye to eye as they sat there. “Only in dark the light,” she said.

This is one of those stories that has a rocky start, but a great second half. The first part of the novella felt dry to me; I’ve read plenty of tales about social outcasts with weird, unexplainable powers. On top of this, a chunk of the early narration is from Ivory’s POV, and he’s a complete tool. That can be a fun perspective to take, and I like the fact that he thinks he’s manipulating Irian when she’s the one pulling the strings. But since he’s an irrelevant character who disappears from the story halfway through, it feels like a waste to devote a huge chunk of the story to him.

However, once Irian arrives at Roke, the story gets much more interesting. Her presence at Roke causes a huge scandal that divides the Masters. Women being forbidden from Roke is a Series Thing at this point, but Earthsea is in an era of change (although I DO question that she’s the first woman to try it). The Finder demonstrated that women were pivotal in the foundation of Roke, something largely erased from history. Barring women stems from a power hungry bigot codifying it into tradition.

Irian finds some unexpected allies--minor characters in the previous books. The Doorkeeper continues to be the coolest motherfucker there. The Patterner is a major character in this story; he was in just one scene in The Farthest Shore, so I liked learning more about him. The Namer is the kind of guy you’d expect to be a stodgy traditionalist, so him siding with Irian is surprising. The Summoner, a heroic figure in previous books and stories, is a sinister villain here. As for the ending, well… if you didn’t see it coming, I’d wonder if you even read Tehanu. The same hints are there.

There were little particulars I liked, such as Irian moving into a decrepit hut that’s definitely Medra’s old home. My favorite detail is that this story has a parallel scene with The Finder. In The Finder, there’s a scene where an antagonist, Early, invades Roke in the form of a dragon. He lands on Roke Knoll, a site of power that reveals one’s true form. It turns him back into a human, leaving him defenseless when the residents of Roke attack him and repel his invasion. The reversal happens in Dragonfly. Irian gets attacked by one of the Masters while at Roke Knoll — and its magic turns her into her true form, a dragon. Props to whoever picked the cover design, since it references both scenes.

#6 - A Description of Earthsea

I’m not rating this since it’s basically a lore dump. It’s a deep dive into Earthsea’s history, languages, cultures, and other relevant world details. It’s the kind of bonus info a lot of fantasy series tack on as reference material.  According to Le Guin, she wrote this to get some idea of the timeline on each of these stories.

As a series, Earthsea has relatively little worldbuilding exposition. Sometimes characters reference legends or historical events, but usually the reader lacks the context to fully understand them. The focus is more on the lives of the characters and their personal experience of the world. I think something like A Description of Earthsea has benefits and drawbacks for the reader. On one hand it's nice to have some definitive information to tie things together. On the other, this does represent a loss of some of the mystery in the story.

I think this is the first thing in the series that even mentions homosexuality, so props for that I guess?

Closing Thoughts

A short story collection is always going to have high and low points. I tend to look at each story individually and score that way, but an average is always misleading. Diamond and Darkrose dragged the score down since there were only five stories total. But I enjoyed the majority of them. I am interested to see where the human/dragon subplot goes in the final installment; I assume Irian will show up at some point? We’ll see.

[caiminnent]

golden decay [pre-slash kylux, rated T]

PROMPT: definitely just a cold (@badthingshappenbingo​, 9/25) & golden decay (courtesy of @flashfictionfridayofficial, though not a submission for it)

SUMMARY:

“A fuss over nothing,” Hux bites out, sniffing. Doesn’t look that way from where Kylo’s standing. “I’ve got a cold. Dizzy spells and coughs are hardly unusual.”

“The flowers are unusual,” Kylo points out, not unkindly.

FANDOM: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

TAGS: Hanahaki Disease, Pining, Armitage Hux Has Feelings, Oblivious Kylo Ren, Pre-Slash, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Canon Compliant

NOTES: Ostensibly written for another 24-hour, <1k prompt: "golden decay". I'm well-past both the deadline and the word count limit; but who's counting?

1K || ALSO ON AO3

He finally spots Hux on the officers’ deck, en route to the living quarters.

Relief spreading through him, “General Hux,” he calls out. Hux turns his head with a faint scowl, slowing his pace just enough to let Kylo catch up.

Kylo’s stomach sinks at the sight. Hux looked the same as always from across the room; closer, the deeper set of his eyes turns his face skull-like, his natural pallor an unhealthy shade.

“Hello, Ren,” Hux greets him as Kylo falls into step—clears his throat. “How was your mission?”

“Bad,” Kylo admits. Hux’s going to get the full report soon enough; no reason to hide it. “Not as bad as you look, though,” he adds before Hux can comment on it. That’s not why he hunted Hux down. “I hear you finally dropped on your bridge.”

“A fuss over nothing,” Hux bites out, sniffing. Doesn’t look that way from where Kylo’s standing. “I’ve got a cold. Dizzy spells and coughs are hardly unusual.”

“The flowers are unusual,” Kylo points out, not unkindly.

Hux falters—steadies himself before Kylo can reach for him. Sending him a side glare, “How do you know about that?” he hisses, quickening his steps. “You can’t—you haven’t even been on the ship for weeks.”

“It’s the newest gossip,” Kylo lies. With Hux’s discretion, he doubts anyone but Phasma and the medical personnel has a clue—and those don’t break even under Kylo’s push. “I think there’s a betting pool about who it is.”

Hux’s nostrils flare, the tips of his ears turning an ugly red. “My private matters are no one’s business.”

“Your officers don’t seem to think so,” Kylo pushes just to watch his scowl deepen. “Would you tell me who it is if I asked?”

“Why? Did you place a wager, too?”

“No.” He wouldn’t even know who to bet credits on if there were a betting pool. The only one Hux is remotely friendly with is Phasma; but she wouldn’t have told Kylo about Hux’s condition if it were her.

“Petty curiosity, then.”

It’s not—

Well, okay, it is. Kylo is kriffing burning with the need to know whom the stone-hearted General loves so deeply it took literal root. Who could blame him?

“I’m only concerned for your health, General,” he redirects. “The First Order needs you at your best.”

“You can rest assured I am taking the necessary steps to ensure I will be. I’ve got a—” Hux nods at a petty officer as they pass, pausing until she’s out of earshot. “A surgery scheduled in two standard weeks.”

Breath catches in Kylo’s lungs. Surgery. “Is it so serious already?” How in the hells didn’t Kylo notice Hux’s health deteriorating for so long?

“Not yet; but why prolong the inevitable? The sooner these pesky things are out of me, the better.”

“But that’s permanent. If you follow through with it, you can’t love again, ever.”

Jaw locking with a click, Hux’s eyes dart around for unwanted ears in the empty hallway. “Must you speak so loudly?”

Fine. “Does it have to come to that?” Kylo asks in a lower tone. “Have you talked to them?”

“I don’t need to,” Hux says, waving it off. “I happen to know they don’t feel the same.”

Kylo scoffs. “You happen to know.”

“They’ve been chasing someone else,” Hux says tightly. Raising his fist to his mouth, he clears his throat—clears it again, harder this time. “Quite literally. Now, if we could kindly—”

“I could change their mind,” Kylo blurts out. He doesn’t have a clue how; but the thought of Hux with his chest cut open sets his stomach to fire. He will find a way. “Just tell me who it is.”

Fishing out a black handkerchief, “Leave it, Ren,” Hux chokes—coughs wetly into it, his shoulders shaking with the effort to get the flower out. Kylo’s heart lurches with it.

“I could take the name out of your head.”

“Oh could you?” Hux grates out, bunching up the fabric and stashing it away. Kylo only catches a glimpse of a gold before it disappears. “And what would Leader Snoke say when he hears you rummaged through my head for little more than gossip material?”

Nothing. Snoke doesn’t care about Hux as much as Hux imagines, though he probably wouldn’t like Kylo riling up his top general unnecessarily. “I could still find them.”

“How do you plan to do that? Will you quiz everyone on their favorite flower and compare?”

“Sure,” Kylo throws back, shrugging a shoulder. “Mine are Mysess blossoms. How about yours?”

Striding past Kylo, Hux turns to face him—Kylo stops in his tracks. “I don’t care for your insistence, Ren,” Hux says slowly, enunciating each word carefully. The fire in his steely gaze sends a low, odd buzz under Kylo’s skin. “I’ve made up my mind. I’ve got no reason to change it. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve never even had this conversation. Do you understand?”

His heart pressing hard against his lungs, Kylo nods.

Hux nods back, pulling away. “Now, if we’re quite done here, I’d like to retire to my quarters. You must have missed your bed as well, I’m certain. I’ll be waiting for your mission report once it is ready.”

Hux turns and leaves without waiting for his response, sharp steps echoing through the empty hall. A part of Kylo leaves with him.

The report. After that disaster of a mission, he needs to get it out of the way as soon as possible; but Hux was right on one account: It has been a kriffing long time since he slept on a bed. Things will make more sense once he gets some rest.

He hopes so anyway.

As he turns to his own wing, something on the floor catches his eye—the handkerchief.

He glances at the small bundle, then the corner where Hux disappeared. If he hurries, he can catch up with Hux before Hux reaches his rooms and hand it over without another word. That would be the end of it, for both of them; Kylo would pretend not to know Hux’s love is killing him and Hux could pretend everything is fine all the way to the operating table.

No. No, Kylo can’t—not with what’s at stake.

Kneeling, he picks up his best chance at finding the bastard responsible for Hux’s circumstances with careful fingers. Hux can make light of his methods all he wants; a person’s tastes in nature gives away plenty about their origins. If the flower is exotic enough, Kylo could narrow down the possibilities into a small pool with Phasma’s help.

Unless the object of Hux’s affections is tasteless enough to like roses or lilies best, that is. Hoping against hope that he won’t find some generic plant, he gently unfolds the handkerchief, revealing—

A full Mysess blossom.

[andinewton]

Based on this post by @acrispyapple​, just a little something I threw together!  Thanks for the idea!  I hope you like it!  (as always, I’m too lazy to edit it right now, so I hope it all makes sense!)

Give me a Break!  - A Victor oneshot

Victor continued with his work, his phone face down on the desk, awaiting the vibration to signal    your next reply.  It never took you long to come around to his way of thinking, even though you seemed to be really riled at his reply this time.  He could picture you now, brow furrowed delicately with a cute little pout on your lips.  His face curved into a smirk before he put his fountain pen back to paper and carried on working.

***

You glared at your phone.  You had taken five minutes out of today’s incredibly busy schedule to try and invite Victor on a trip.  Sending him a message, fishing for whether he might be interested or not, only to have him shoot you down in flames by questioning your work ethic!  Okay, well, fine.  If he wanted to be your boss and nothing else, then that was what he would get.

***

Later that evening, as you tucked into a very basic but still tasty microwave dinner at your tiny kitchen table, your phone beeped a new message.  Glancing at the display you could see a notification from Victor, asking where you were.  On the other side of you was a copy of your latest proposal which you were skimming over to double check it made sense.  Time to launch operation business only.

Taking a picture of the file you attached a short message, simply stating; very busy, boss.  Before putting the phone back down and continuing to eat, your desire to work suddenly fired up by his query.

Another beep.  You were meant to be at Souvenir.

Actually, sir, you said you would take me to Souvenir later.  As no time nor date for said meeting was confirmed with myself or my office, I assumed it was tentative.  Apologies if I misunderstood.

Wow, that felt soooooo good!  It was professional, made your point, even to the degree of apologising to draw attention to the fact it was his fault.  Now for stage two of your plan.

You opened a new text message and sent a brief note to Kiro.  Weirdly, he was the one who supported your not-quite-a-relationship with Victor, and was more than happy to be your venting buddy as well as constant co-conspirator.  You knew Kiro “shipped” the two of you, as he assured you the internet said these days, and he wanted to make it his mission to bring you together.  You admitted you weren’t exactly averse to the idea, and making Victor jealous just might help.  Just minutes later you got a stream of excited emojis from Kiro, followed by the simple phrase; I know just what to do, so go with it!

You were sure whatever it was would get Victor’s attention in no time, the real test would be how he reacted.

***

Victor threw his phone down on the countertop, the metal surface reverberating with the clash.  You were taking it this far, seriously?  Making out your relationship was nothing more than professional?  He would make you pay for that in some not so subtle way.  He started to pack away the ingredients he had bought to make you a special meal, knowing you weren’t coming.  It was a shame to let it go to waste and while he wanted to share this recipe with you he could be just as petty as you were.  Probably even more so.

His phone vibrated the counter as he came back from the refrigerator, glancing at the screen to see it was from Goldman, and a screenshot no less.  Opening it he stared for a good ten seconds before his anger rose to a near impossible level.

Kiro had apparently made a post that Goldman thought should be brought to Victor’s attention immediately.  And he could see why.

Kiro:  Looking forward to a weekend away with my bestie!  Just the two of us, sun, sea, swimsuits, sand, sweet treats, and sangria!

And you were tagged in it.

It was no secret that the two of you were friends, completely platonic yet irritatingly friends who had the press eating out of your hands at the far too many not-dates you went on.  Was this what he had blown off by reminding you that work was important?  A chance to enjoy a tropical vacation with you wearing very little clothing and…he cleared his throat and shook his head, trying to dislodge the image.  Two could play this game.  If she was trying to make him jealous she was not going to succeed.  No.  He would take the high ground and let her go waste her time with the blond pretty boy.

At least that was what he thought.  Until Goldman’s second image came through.  That of your reply.

MC:  Can you believe we get the entire island to ourselves?  Thanks #romanticgetaways for the amazing prize!

She won a private island getaway and she was going with…with…with him?!  Oh, he didn’t think so!  Victor slapped off the lights and headed for the door, grabbing his jacket as he passed.

***

‘Do you think this will work?’  You asked Kiro when he video called you after he posted.  He had talked you through your reply and it made sense.  He knew about the prize you had won, how excited you had been at the prospect of inviting Victor on what you hope might be a romantic little getaway, and he knew the CEO wasn’t keen on your friendship with the star.

‘With that reply it’s guaranteed!’  You could almost feel Kiro’s excitement through the screen.  ‘You are totally going to get him demanding you go with him instead of me!’

‘I mean demanding does sound like him.’  You agreed.  ‘But I can’t see it.  He was obviously put out that I switched to all business and we both know how stubborn he is.’

‘Psshh.’  Kiro made a dismissive noise.  ‘You’ll have him eating out of the palm of your hand.’

‘He’ll probably say that’s unsanitary.’

Kiro’s bubbly laugh echoed through the tiny speaker.  ‘I bet he’s actually okay with the idea of a little food play.’  The wink he gave you was enough to bring a blush to your cheeks.

‘You’re worse than me, I swear.’  You shook your head.  ‘I don’t imagine I’ll hear from him, but if I do I’ll let you…’

You were interrupted by a knock on your door, your head jerking around to look at it.

‘It’s him!  Oh my God, just leave me here on the table so I can listen in!’

‘Nope.’  You waved and cut the call, placing the phone face down on the table before heading over and going up on tiptoes to look through the peephole.  Holy crap, it was actually him!

You glanced down at yourself, still wearing your skirt and blouse from work but barefoot and hair down.  You’d have to do.  Opening the door you looked at Victor, leaning against the wall beside the door with his forearm, glaring at you the moment his eyes found you.

‘Good evening, Mr Li.  To what do I owe this unexpected visit?’  Your tone was clipped and professional but his stern expression didn’t slip.

‘Do you always open your door at this time of night to strangers?’

‘I wouldn’t call us strangers, Mr Li.  And I checked through the peephole first.’  You waved a hand towards it in demonstration.

He straightened from his leaning pose and tugged his jacket so it sat right.  ‘Quit calling me that.’

‘Mr Li?’  You asked, and he gave a brisk nod.  ‘But that’s your name.’

‘We have been on a first name basis for as long as we have been in business.’

‘And I apologise for my lack of professionalism in that regard.’  You bowed your head briefly.  ‘Now, what can I do for you?  It must be important for you to have come all this way at this hour.’

‘I want to know what this is about.’  He thrust his phone in your face just as your neighbour’s door opened, Lucien poking his head around the frame.

‘Is everything alright, MC?  I heard raised voices.’

You smiled pleasantly before emphasising his name.  ‘Everything is fine, Lucien.  Some last minute business that couldn’t wait until morning, that’s all.’

He gave Victor a none too friendly glance.  ‘Shout if you need anything.’

‘I will.  Thank you, Lucien.’

After a final look Victor’s way he closed the door again and you turned your attention back to the man in front of you, who seemed even angrier now than he had a moment before.

‘What can I do for you, Mr Li?  It is, after all, very late.  Is there some sort of emergency?’

‘No, there’s no emergency!’  His tone became exasperated.  ‘I want to know…’

‘This is well out of business hours so I assumed it was urgent.’

‘Are you just going to leave me on the doorstep all night?’  He finally snapped.

‘With that attitude I think I might.’  You begun to close the door but he put his hand against it and held it there, not that you put up much of a fight.  ‘Mr Li, this is very unprofessional.’

‘Enough with the Mr Li, and enough with the professionalism!’  His nostrils flared, you thought in an attempt to stop himself from really yelling, but you just continued to looked at him with a confused expression on your face.  ‘I want you to tell me what this means?’

Again he held out the phone and you leant forward slightly, examining it carefully.  ‘I believe that is a post from the idol Kiro regarding to his plans for this weekend.’

‘His plans this weekend with you.’  He specified.

‘That’s right.’

‘Quit playing dumb, MC.’

‘I don’t know what you’re alluding to, Mr Li, but dumb is the last thing I am playing.’

The sigh he let out was more of a huff.  ‘Are you really going to spend the weekend on a private island with him?’

You shrugged.  ‘I had no one else to ask.  My first choice was unavailable therefore I went with my backup.  If that’s all, sir, I was in the middle of eating.’

‘You said you were working.’

‘I’m multitasking.’  For the first time your irritation slipped through into your voice and you had to take a calming breath before continuing.

He glared at you but you glared right back.  He was in the wrong here and if he were really jealous, as Kiro suspected, he had to do something about it, not you.  You were not caving.

‘This trip?  It was what you wanted to ask me on?’

‘I thought to.  Until you stated you couldn’t possibly find the time and that my workload shouldn’t afford me the time either.  However, I happen to believe in a healthy work/life balance and this short break will be most welcome.’

‘I would have gone with you.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?’  You leaned forward with your ear turned slightly towards him.

‘I said if you had come out and asked me in the first place I would have gone with you!’

‘Asking if you would like a spur of the moment trip wasn’t to the point enough for you?’  You finally snapped back at him.  ‘Your cue then would have been to ask me where to, not to have dismissed me like you have so many other times!  I am tired of trying to be perfect for you, Victor, I mean Mr Li!  I know in future not to bother asking you to anything you would obviously feel is a complete waste of your valuable time.  I’m sorry I bothered you with it in the first place and you will be pleased to hear that from this point on our relationship will be nothing but professional!’

‘You can’t just…’

‘I can’t just what?  Tell you a few home truths?’

‘No!’

‘Decide not to allow you to antagonise me any more?’

‘No!’

‘Go on vacation with Kiro?’

That was evidently the last straw for Victor as he shoved his phone in his pocket, stepped forward, and pulled you to him for a bruising kiss.

You couldn’t lie, it was everything you could ever have dreamed of and more.  You swore you saw fireworks behind your eyelids, your nerve endings tingling throughout your entire body as his lips forcefully took yours, his hands cupping your face as though afraid you might move.  Moving was the last thing on your mind, though, and you made a small satisfied murmur as he drew back from you just enough to allow you to focus on him.

‘Try asking me again.’  He all but growled, the noise making you shiver in such close confines.

‘Would…’ you swallowed, ‘would you like a spur of the moment trip?’

A smile curved the edge of his lips.  ‘With you?  Any time.’

[glittering-snowfall]

I still remember years ago, when a someone I deeply admired followed this blog. She wasn’t in the Frozen fandom, but she followed me, and I was honored.

Then I made a comment on my blog where I used the word “purity” to describe Elsanna. I think I was responding to an ask about hostility from people, saying that the antis didn’t understand the “purity” of our ship.

After that, she sharply unfollowed me, and shortly thereafter vagueblogged about me by saying something like, “I don’t mind people shipping Elsanna, but don’t use the term ‘purity’ to describe your ship; you ship incest.”

Again, she was vagueblogging. She didn’t mention me by name. The only person who knew this must have been a reference to me was me.

It was just an offhand vent on her part. She didn’t tag anything. It must have come from a genuine place in her heart.

But it still... hurt me.

It hurt me because I admired her - I still admire her, actually, even if she... is disgusted by me.

Hurt me because I had never expected her to follow me, and for a short time she did, in spite of my problematic ship, and that meant the world to me.

And, the thing is, I know Elsanna is incest. I KNOW. That goes without saying. I didn’t use the word “purity” because it was incest. I used the word “purity” because the bond felt pure to me in spite of the ship being incest.

I know, that wouldn’t be a defense to her.

Later, I made posts elaborating on that word “purity” - how there is purity in selflessness, in healing from scars, in all the things that make Elsanna what it is... but I still felt guilty. Felt anxious, using the word.

But there’s also a part of me that’s petty. And so, fuck it all, here I am, years later, and I’m going to say it again. Elsanna is a pure ship. A ship rooted in two souls helping each other out of the darkness of the past, healing from wounds inflicted on both of them.

And I know it’s a problematic ship. i know it’s a ”bad” ship. But I’m sick of constantly having to defend myself by making clear, “Oh, I know it’s bad. Oh, I... know I’m a bad person.”

No. It’s not a bad ship. It’s beautiful. And pure.  

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

Tag games

Okay, so I was tagged in two tag games by @reignoerme, so I will do them in one post for sake of ease and put them below a read-more. Thank you for tagging me in these! They look fun, and I don’t think I’ve done either of them before, so here we go. :D

List 5 albums I can’t live without. 💓

1. Damn the Torpedoes by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers This should surprise no one. This album, from start to finish, is literal magic. And I don’t mean the way it makes me feel (although listening to it on vinyl is such a JOYOUS experience that there are times I just LAUGH to express my awe over how talented these five musicians are and what they collectively arranged in the form of this album), but whatever they all did - HOWEVER they did it - to create this album’s existence is nothing short of magic. And god dammit, everyone needs some magic in their lives, even if it’s auditorily experienced.

2. True Colors by Cyndi Lauper Even though I wouldn’t defend that every single track on this album is “enduring” art (whatever that means!), this IS my favorite Cyndi Lauper album and I happen to love every single song on it, anyway. LOL And since the prompt is “albums that I can’t live without,” I have to include it because I literally would not be able to live without the song “Calm Inside the Storm” - it’s the first song on my anti-depression playlist, and I play it often when I’m feeling awful to some degree, and it cheers me up at least a little bit. This album is wonderfully varied, nonetheless.

3. Break Out by The Pointer Sisters Is there a better pop album (including dance, R&B, rock, and soul) than this, especially from the ‘80s?! At least to me: BASICALLY NO! This is one of my favorite feel-good albums that makes me happy and inspires me to dance (and definitely to sing along). Isn’t that what music is supposed to do, essentially? This album serves its purpose...but, in my opinion, IN a lasting way. (Yeah, unlike True Colors, LOL, sorry. I do love Cyndi and the impact her music had, but The Pointer Sisters’ impact has been much longer lasting, I feel. I adore them.)

4. Blueprint by Alice Bag The main point, actually, is that I simply could not live without Alice Bag’s music. I wasn’t sure if I’d mention this one, or Sister Dynamite (what got me through 2020), or even her debut solo album, but ultimately I’d choose Blueprint because “Se Cree Joven” is also on my anti-depression playlist. There’s probably some symbolism present for me to specifically choose Blueprint, as well...but I’m not sure what it is at the moment. Anyway, I love Alice Bag’s music and I also love her for nurturing my love of punk rock. (Not personally, obviously! Just incidentally. She makes me feel like it’s acceptable for me to like the genre even though it doesn’t match my personality or ‘image.’)

5. The Woods by Sleater-Kinney Because sometimes you don’t need to feel like ‘Oh my gosh, I’m so grateful to be alive...’ Sometimes you’re fucking angry, or angsty, and you need music that matches your mood - that you can scream AND dance along to. There’s a few other artists/bands I have in mind who also fit that ideal, but for now, Sleater-Kinney win. And to think I only finally gave their music a chance three years ago, and I still listen to them weekly AND I’ve seen them live. No, I simply could not live without this album or S-K in general.

And then to answer these prompts!

favorite song at the moment: ”Free Fallin’” by Tom Petty (sorry, but my favorite song never changes - which is why it’s my favorite - and being asked what my favorite song is “at the moment” is too overwhelming otherwise, LOL)

song you associate with your favorite ship: “Never Say Never” by Romeo Void (I have, like, several favorite ships across various fandoms? So I just chose my most recent favorite and also the one I am currently writing for, heheheh)

song that could be about you: “Rock a Little (Go Ahead Lily)” by Stevie Nicks

song that reminds you of a good memory: “The Cloud” by Thunderpussy

song you find overrated: “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty lmao this is why I hate when people associate me with this song, however well-intentioned they may be. Just because my name is a flower and TPATH are my favorite band doesn’t mean I want to be associated with a basic song like this one! PLEASE NO. :(

song you want your mutuals to listen to: “Daughter” covered by Nancy Wilson :’)

song that makes you laugh: “Cripple Creek” by Buffy Sainte-Marie (only because I try to sing along with her every time and get tripped up EVERY TIME by actually singing the title, “cripple creek” - my mouth always acts like ‘TOO MANY ALLITERATION TOO FAST, CANNOT COMPUTE’ and it makes me laugh!)

last song you listened to: “You Don’t Know How It Feels” by Tom Petty I actually have not listened to this song in well over a year, haha

I will tag for either of these prompts - or both, if you’d like! (although please don’t feel obligated to!): @aredhel-of-doylkien, @astarkey, @countrymusicandcher, @astoppedclock, @ina-gartens-weave, @buddyhollyscurls, @betweentimeand42, @happytimetravelmilkshake, @plenilunada

[nurseofren]

Keeping Your Promise - Chapter 24

Read on AO3

Read chapter twenty-three

Title: Prove it

Words: 6800

Warnings: Talks of pregnancy, mentions of vomit

Summary: A friend. A foe?

ST Rambles: I look pretty good for a dead bitch.

Okay. In all seriousness. In the five weeks that I have not updated, it has been chaos. School is absolutely kicking my ass this semester and I am not afraid to say it. Maternal-Newborn is a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. With this said, I know any further updates will be sporadic, BUT - and I say this to snuff out any doubt on the matter - I will never, EVER, abandon this story. However it ends, rest assured that it will, in fact, do just that.

I thank you all for your patience and encouragement. This story is something I care deeply about and it just floors me that others do as well. I love interacting with you all, either on here or tumblr or TikTok (if you've made one and I haven't seen it, please tag me! My fyp does not work in my favor lol).

Be kind. Don't forget to be a person. All you can do is try your best.

[MASTERLIST] | BANNER/@elmidol

Good afternoon,

I can only hope this correspondence finds you safe and well.

The Board of Physicians sympathizes during this time of displacement and potential grieving. There are countless variables to be considered during uncertain times like these, but those of your safety and well-being are of the utmost importance. In an effort to convey the depth of our understanding, a unanimous vote has approved the decision to extend the dates of the trial by seven days. Upon receiving this official communication, you should plan to arrive on Canto Bight a minimum of two days prior to the morning of the initial hearing. An updated outline has been attached at the end of this e-mail for reference and sent to all pertinent parties.

Per the initial correspondence, Commander Ren is to receive a new provider prior to the trial’s start date. This objective has been met with the solemn barrier of the diminished population of approved nurses and physicians which resulted from the recent tragedy of Starkiller Base. There have been additional unforeseen circumstances also working to lengthen and altogether halt this approval process. Rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure the trial proceedings occur in an organized and professional manner.

The emergent provider shortage, along with the unknown – and likely diminished – amount of surveillance retained from Starkiller Base prior to its destruction, has laid the foundation for the discussion of potential and probable employment during your time on Canto Bight. The discussions surrounding this issue are in their infancies. Should it be that you are to assume a care position during your trial, you will receive a further updated and in-depth itinerary. This would include the dates, times, and location you would be expected to work; this information would be accompanied by any specific limitations regarding your scope of practice while on trial.

Though you are encouraged to reach out to discuss any questions or concerns you may have pertaining to these new developments, the current agenda is to be followed with strict compliance. Should there be any changes, as stated previously, I will communicate these to you in a timely and conscious manner.

Respectfully,

Karmen Zag, Esq.,

Head of Communications,

The Board of Physicians

“Yeah, well, you can go fuck yourself Karmen Zag. Stupid ass name anyway.”

Not that anyone could hear you, nor that anyone would care, you could not help the petty jab. Karmen Zag, the faceless mouthpiece of the institution actively seeking your death, had little to do with anything. Karmen Zag was not the one who had carved initials into your body; that person was elusive to you now. Karmen Zag was not the one who kept you from sleep; that person was dead, killed by the trembling hands of the very survivor they’d created. Karmen Zag was not the one you were currently hiding from; that person, achingly kind and too ignorant to know different, still came to pick you up from shift every night.

Cramped in the corner of a supply room, you sat with your knees tucked to your chest and your datapad resting on your thighs, eyeing the vent at the bottom of the door to spy Mason’s tapping foot. In the seven days since waking up in the medbay, six days since returning to work to help with the increased patient population – or, at least that’s what you were telling yourself – you had found yourself with a desperate need to distance yourself from Mason. He was unaware of all that was haunting you, nescient to the fact he was at the epicenter of the majority of it. To see him was to remember the choice you’d made, to hate yourself for regretting it, to be morally ripped in half by the unwavering war in the back of your mind.

The first three days he would always sneak up on you, flurries of white lies leaving while you fumbled away from him and into the nearest room. I’m on call tonight was your favorite. No, you weren’t, though you had been staying in the on-call rooms to hide the fact that you no longer held a residence on this ship. No matter if you had not received official word on your employment status, you felt an unease when thinking of returning to Kylo Ren’s quarters. It felt too broken, like you’d be a stranger somewhere you’d once considered a home.

Eventually, Mason being an inherent creature of habit, you’d picked up on his timing. On the fourth day you’d decided to stake him out, finding he would spend exactly ten minutes waiting, send a message to your commlink, spend another five toying with his own as he waited for a response, eventually asking whoever was nearest to tell you to call him. You never did. It was despicable, watching his hope falter as the days passed and you were never there to leave with him; wretched, but that did not make it any less necessary.

So long as you were away from Mason, you couldn’t hurt him. If you could create a rift between the two of you so great as to discourage any further interaction, you could save him from all the suffering that came along with being associated with you. On the other hand, you couldn’t deny the comfort you felt in deferring any conversation with him. Avoidance may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but all the ones you’d learned of in school were useless to your set of circumstances; there was no talking this through, no way to speak of Snoke or Kylo or Robbie without getting someone else hurt. You were trapped in your own, sole company; whoever you had become recently, you were barely tolerant of them, let alone fond. It was growing increasingly difficult to recognize your own reflection. At some point you figured you might stop looking altogether.

Zag’s update had been present in your inbox ever since returning to work; with each read through – which, now, you’d have read a hundred times – you felt time pass by. Each night you spent time tucked away here, the cold tile permeating the scrub pants you now wore; the uniform you’d had on when you arrived back on the Finalizer had been too tattered to reuse. Not that you wanted to wear it; in those tattered, bloodied threads lay the obvious truth of how entirely you had failed at the only assignment you had ever been trusted with.

Trusted. The thought made you shiver. Yes. Trusted. Past tense. In every sense it could be. Thus, folded into yourself, away from prying eyes or well-meaning friends, you scrolled aimlessly up and down the message. Though its existence annoyed you, knowing full well that there was no empathy or genuine concern behind the decision to delay the trial, it also brought you ease to know this portion of your life was almost over. Again you were embracing the possibility of your death, only this time rooted in hatred for yourself, not Kylo Ren.

“Alright, well, can you tell her-,”

“Tell her to call you. Got it. Do every night.” One of your coworkers had grown exasperated with Mason – or was it with you? Either way, peeking through the vent slats, you spied Mason’s legs drag out of view. It made your heart fall, feeling more disgusted with yourself each day; it was this confusing combination of feeling a pull to run after him, to apologize to him with every breath you had left, only for that initial urgency to be swallowed by the knowledge that the action would be futile.

With tired eyes, not having gotten more than two hours of unbroken sleep since the sixteen you’d woken from, you looked to your left wrist. It was a routine gesture, pointless in the fact you had not worn the watch since finding it on your bedside table. Much like your uniform, only agonizingly amplified, the sight of the gadget inspired a hollowness in your chest. It remained in a pillowcase, hidden atop the bed you’d claimed. Each night you toyed with it, thumbed at the lifeless screen and wondered if it would ever offer another flicker; each night you caught the hazy reflection of two unfamiliar eyes, finding only the remnants of shattered promises staring back at you.

A sigh crept into your lungs when you stood, arms stretching and hands smoothing back your hair before going to activate the door. It hissed open without your indication; before you could question how, two hands pushed you out of the way and sent you flying face first into the storage shelves. Nose first, actually; the collision rang through your ears, pain throbbing in prominence as you stumbled for stability, arms widespread and eyes pinched shut.

“Oh! You have to be kidding!” Copper crept down your upper lip, cascading over your sharp tongue, foggy eyes opening to blood-stained fingers. “Watch where you’re going, jeez!”

Away from you sounded the door as it shut, but that wasn’t the sound that alarmed you. Across the room, near the sink – at least you hoped it was near the sink – came the horrendous retching that could only indicate vomit. The longer you listened, though, all the while blindly searching for a package of gauze, you found it wasn’t vomit, but an attempt towards it; echoes of dry heaves wracked the room, vomit absent even as the stranger continued in their effort toward expulsion.

A spill of winces left you, a grimace following suit when you tipped your head back, blood draining down your throat. You found a box of gauze squares and tore it open, peeling away a layer and rolling it into a cone before pushing it into one nostril. Vessels pounded against the material, injury soaking into it as you caught your breath.

“I’m so sorry,” a familiar voice said, groggy and breathless. “The refresher was occupied, and the occupancy indicator wasn’t on.” She took another breath, gasping back spit. “I figured the sink in here would do.”

Another person you’d been avoiding. Talia. Sick. As she would be, of course. It was something you’d fought thoughts on; it was too confusing, too unnerving to put the pieces you’d been offered together. Hux had left her room, had been so distraught. Talia had seized and ended up in the medbay. Armitage. Stars, how that word haunted you in the way it left her paling lips. She’d been so disoriented, so scared. Glassy eyes and green pallor. And the person she’d asked for was Armitage.

With these thoughts, dizzying as they had become, came the image of the very thing that tied them all together: that square-cut, printed, glossy ultrasound picture. Between nightmares of Robbie and desperately trying to find any amount of sleep, you saw it clear in your head, remembered how you’d lost your ability to stand when you first considered the reality of it. It all made sense clinically; the symptoms, the tangible evidence showing a yolk sac, the patient identifiers framing the monochrome image.

But, when you remembered running into Hux, remembered the ghost in his eyes and felt the rather unsettling demeanor – one not marked with errant hatred – he’d met you with, it all started to blur. Jumble. Your mind rejecting the thought that Talia and Hux-

Talia mewled, your eyes opening to find white knuckles outfitting a vise grip over the sink’s metal edge. The fluorescent lights lining the ceiling made it all too easy to see how sick she really was. Tears glinted down her cheeks, her hair dull in its tousled bun, a string of spit straying from her bottom lip; there was a suggestion of green just below the surface of her skin, exhaustion evident in the lavender drapes below her eyes.

A shaky breath left her before she rested against the sink, elbows bent and fingers rolling over her temples. For a moment there was a deafening silence, one that strangled you and emphasized the throbbing in your nose when you stopped breathing. It dissipated when Talia groaned, her head drooping and stance shifting.

“At least shift is done, right?” She sounded like she was talking to anyone. She didn’t know it was you. She didn’t know you knew.

Swallowing, dropping your hand from your face, you tried to think of anything to say. But nothing would come. And, considering how little time you had left to know her – execution or not – you saw no point in frivolous small talk.

“How far along are you?” It was a low rasp; frail in its existence yet bludgeoning the quiet that had preceded it.

She didn’t look up, but you knew she recognized your voice; her every muscle stalled, hair even stilling as your words sank into her. It was the first thing you’d said to her since she’d seized. In her silent shock it dawned on you that it had not been long since you’d been in a situation similar to this; the two of you, a pitting silence, a mess – obvious and blaring – surrounding you.

Only this mess was not something that could be cleaned. This mess existed outside all you had once thought to consider. Though this room was less gruesome in appearance, it held that same suffocated dread, carried with it the reminder that everything could change without a moment’s notice. Watching the color return to her cheeks, absentmindedly brushing your fingertips across the raised marks atop your thigh, it hit you how true that fact was.

A small sound – a swallow – filled the room, a sigh to accompany it. “Six weeks. I think, at least. Maybe more.” She stood then, crossing her arms and leaning against the sink. A wall stood between you and her, invisible yet so entirely present. “No one knows.” Her jaw fluttered at its hinge. The wall was for her; a façade, a crutch. She was scared.

The door lit cool shivers down your back, hands digging into your pockets, a weak attempt at a smile pulling at your face. “Congratulations,” you offered first, forgetting the circumstances before seeing her eyes fall to the floor. “Or not, I guess.”

She kept her eyes down. “I’m not showing, and I’ve been good about sneaking away to throw up, so…”

“Last week,” you said, her stare coming back to you, “after Starkiller. I fainted after arriving back here, and after I woke up,” I washed the Commander of the First Order’s hair and cried to his comatose body about how my life is falling apart, “I just had to know you were okay, so I visited you.”

“I don’t remember seeing you. I actually… How did you even know I had been admitted to the medbay?”

“You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.” You chewed your cheek, recounting any of those 48 hours made your pulse jump. “You weren’t well off when I found you, before they took you to the medbay, so I wouldn’t expect you to remember me being there.”

Her brow dipped for half a second, a crack creeping into that wall. “I didn’t know you found me. It’s difficult for me to even recall most of that day.” Her shoulders dropped, stature less rigid now. “Thank you, though.”

You nodded, not entirely sure why she felt it necessary to thank you. “Yeah. So, you were sleeping and I saw the tests ordered on your board. And then I found your ultrasound on the floor.”

Her eyes were so distant, pupils housing a familiar ghost. “It must have fallen when I was sleeping.” Her lips parted with the whisper, egregious loneliness overwhelming the thought.

It felt like the floor would fall out at any second, the interaction so fragile. Watching her with intent, measuring her reactions, you charged ahead into territory you’d been afraid to enter for so long.

“Talia,” you started, buying more time to think on your phrasing. Her focus startled back from wherever her mind had taken her. “I mean, maybe this is ridiculous, and maybe I’m so far off base in even suggesting it…”

Her arms dropped when a hand reached to tuck a collection of stray hair behind her ear, nose sniffing, teeth pulling at her bottom lip. She took her eyes from yours, breath picking up. That wall she stood behind was wearing.

You couldn’t stand beating around the bush any longer, sick of theorizing about it all. It fled out, no breath to separate any of it. “I’ll just say it: Hux was leaving your room when I came around. And he was being weird. So weird. I mean, he was being… would I say nice? Maybe just, less awful? He complimented me. And it was so weird, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt because, you know, he’d just lost a lot of men. But then it was you in the room and I.. he was so distraught? That is barely the right word, but I mean? He just wasn’t General Hux. And then I found the ultrasound and remembered how you’d asked for ‘Armitage’ earlier when I’d found you, and-,”

A weep signaled the destruction of the wall she’d thrown up, hands clawing into her eyes and lungs heaving full of ragged, desperate air. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t tell him! He can’t- I don’t!” Sobs rolled off of her between each exclamation. “I haven’t told him. I don’t know how. I- he’s so evil! I can’t believe I ever slept with him!”

Seeing her come apart, feeling the guilt she did in every word she cried, you could only think to take her into your arms. In your hold you felt her shaking and the pain roll off of her in thick, grating waves. It was familiar, like she, too, had been existing alone; you had not noticed, so buried in your own avoidance that you had not thought to consider hers.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so- I’m so sorry! It makes me so mad that- ugh!”

“Hey, stop. Slow down,” you soothed, hugging her tighter. “You have nothing to apologize to me for. You’ve done nothing wrong, okay?”

“No, I have! I slept with my Master! And got pregnant! And he’s such a fucking jerk! He’s the whole reason you’re losing your career, you know? And I had sex with him! And I feel- felt real things for him!” A breath stuttered into her lungs. “I never meant for it to go any further than that first night, and then… fuck.”

It burned down to your marrow that you had the power to comfort her, knew everything she was feeling even if it wasn’t hatred that left you crying at night. She would be embraced in knowing you had also slept with your Master; it would minimize the guilt she now felt. To tell her you had fallen for Kylo Ren could help her know that she wasn’t alone.

Instead, feeling her tears accumulate on your sleeve, struggling to keep in your own, you kept quiet. She would not learn how you had burned so bright for your commander. It was selfish, but it was necessary. Self-preservation. She would be testifying against you, taking the stand right after Hux. Her not knowing would do no harm; it would keep her from having to consider or commit perjury. Talia now joined Mason, another soul to protect, another person you would lie to.

Several minutes passed before she stopped trembling, another few before the tears stopped staining your uniform. Humanity existed in these moments, and though you would hide how you knew the advice you would offer her, you knew she needed to hear it. A part of you did, too.

Moving your arms from her back and grasping both her shoulders, you locked eyes with her and forced her to see that you somehow understood her pain. “There is nothing to feel guilty about. Not that you slept with him, or that you got pregnant. Not that you felt things for him or that you still do.” Her eyes shut at that, a fresh streamlet dragging into her mouth. “You can still love him even if he has done awful things.”

“Gosh, how can you say that? He’s ruined your life,” she shuddered, grimacing before looking back up to you.

“I made the choice to take that blood. I had a choice,” your throat tightened, not knowing if you were reciting the words from their origin or from your dream, “I made the one I thought was the best at the time. Hux may be an ass in the way he has gone about the issue, but it’s not like he wouldn’t have reported me.”

She sobbed your name, confusion and hurt wrought in her features. “That blood saved that patient. You saved that patient. We both know that. You saved him and you’re suffering for it and I’m the one who wrote the incident report. He made me write it. Such a fucking bastard.”

Just like that, whatever weird internal truce you’d made with Hux disappeared. “Yeah, that is a dick thing to do, I will say that.”

She wiped at her cheeks, shaking her head. “I should have lied on that report.”

“And gotten both of us in trouble? That isn’t a solution.”

“If I had, you would be less alone in this. And I wouldn’t have to testify against you.” Talia’s eyes shot to the ceiling and back, frustration hot on her breath. “It’s just so-,”

“Unfair. I know. I have… I’ve beaten myself up about it too much not to know that.” This conversation was too similar to those you’ve held inwardly. It was becoming repetitive to keep sulking over something you could not change. But Talia, if she wanted, could change her situation. “We went through the same program, got the same schooling, I know you know your options here.”

She chewed her cheek, shaking her head. A long drag of breath found its way into her chest, releasing when your hands fell to your sides. “This is where you find out how stupid I am.”

It pulled at your heart to hear how hard she was being on herself. “You aren’t stupid. And if you are? Could’ve fooled me with your class rank and just general existence.”

A laugh, weak but not acrid. “Academics were easy. Career is easy. This life stuff? Messy. Complicated. I feel like no matter what I do, it will blow up in my face.” That earlier distance glazed over her stare, a glimmer of yearning present in the way her eyebrows pinched. “And what I want…think I want? I’m not sure it’s even possible.”

“What do you want?”

Talia shut her eyes, capitulation and indignance set in her features, jaw flexed. “I haven’t spoken to him since that night,” she whispered. “He watched me fill out that report. I was sobbing in front of him and he said nothing.” A hand smoothed over her hair and clutched into her bun, lips quivering for a moment. “I didn’t even know until last week. I woke up for a few minutes and they started talking about all that had happened – fainting and seizures and blood tests – and they immediately wheeled me down to have an ultrasound to confirm the hCG results and urinalysis.”

She paused, growing in distance the more she shared. “Was it just your electrolytes that caused the seizure?”

“Yeah. Yes.” She blinked back to the present. “Belkar actually said I was severely dehydrated and that my metabolic panel reflected that.” Talia was dancing between two timeframes; gentleness framed her face when revisiting that of the past. Something so delicate in her stare; adoration cusping on hope. “I always told myself I would never have children. It scared me seeing how sick they could become when we had our unit on pediatrics. I’d never wanted to feel so helpless as the parents I saw during clinical.”

It almost winded you to watch a single tear slip down her cheek, allowing her silence during her pause before she looked up at you, desperation drowning her eyes. She couldn’t find – or, maybe, did not want to believe – the words that overwhelmed her. “What changed?” You knew, but she needed to hear it for herself.

Her lips had become puffy, teeth pulling at the bottom one. She reached into the front pocket of her scrub dress, pulling from it that square print, only now with rolled, worn corners. “I know it’s early and there are so many things that can go wrong and I know I had been drinking before I knew, but…” A swallow bobbed her throat, a fond smile forming when she toyed with the scan. “When they handed this to me? Something just, I don’t know, came into view.”

A surge of immense pain coiled into you. In her reverie you saw yourself, realized how fortunate her situation was; she had something she wanted and even though it was complicated, she had a choice in the matter.

Again, her mind had wandered, distraction framing her tone; her brows pinched together for a second, a question sparking from her memories. “Have you ever wanted something so much, and maybe you didn’t fully understand it, but you just knew? For whatever reason, this was the thing you would do everything in your power to make possible? To have what you want, no matter how daunting or nonsensical it seemed?”

“Yeah,” you choked out, coughing against the new strain on your throat, “I think so.” Talia had that ability, though, and it cracked against your skull how helpless you were to go after what you wanted.

“You said that I could still love him if he’s done awful things,” she quoted, her attention returning to you. “I don’t love him. I don’t think I really know him that well. But…” She shook her head, shoulders shrugging and a puff of breath leaving her nose. “I miss him. It’s so dumb, but the bastard is nice to be around when he isn’t buried in politics. When he’s just a person. When he isn’t the General. When he’s just—” another smile, similar to her earlier one “—Armitage.”

“That has to be the strangest part of this whole thing.” A small laugh bubbled past your lips. It had been so long since the last one. “Armitage.”

“It was very odd at first. But I’m not going to cry out General, oh please General! when I’m cumming, so I got over it.”

Dumbfounded, all you could do was gawk at her candor. It warmed you, though, feeling like that first night you’d hung out with her. A good memory. Her cheeks pinked in your silence and the sight pulled you straight into a ruckus of laughter, tears – born in pain, falling from humor – and lightheartedness. It was short lived, but Talia joined in your fit; abashed giggles leaving her smile-tight face.

“I mean, I feel like it would be weirder if you were sleeping with Commander Ren.” Talia jabbed at your shoulder. “Calling him… Kylo? That just feels downright wrong.”

Instantaneously, your high fizzling into nothing before her, you found yourself right where you were when you’d said your first goodbye. Ky. It wilted your heart, shrouded whatever glimpse of happiness you’d just caught. Talia was too lost in the joke to notice you’d backed away from her, face turned so she couldn’t see the suffering rise to the surface.

“Ha, yeah. Wrong. So, so wrong.” You cleared your throat, brushing past the weak attempt at nonchalance, ready to be off this subject. “So you miss him? You miss… Armitage? Yeah, no. I’m gonna stick to Hux, if that’s alright?”

A final laugh lit from her chest, Talia waving you off. “That’s fine, of course. And yeah. I miss him.” Her brow furrowed. “Do you think it could work? Me and him, and—” she gestured down to her abdomen, placing the scan back in her pocket “—this?”

This was none of your business, and you doubted anything you could say would help her, but there was genuine curiosity in her voice. There was respect in how she wanted your insight into something so intimate and personal.

A sigh preceded your reply, unsure if you were speaking to her or yourself. “I think… Just as you said earlier: no matter if its daunting or nonsensical or even completely impossible – if you want it and you are willing to do everything in your power to get it?”

Hope lit behind her eyes, bloomed in her chest at the suggestion. “It could work.”

Struggle hid behind a mask of hope. Of course she did not know how it pained you to offer words that would never exist for yourself, and it wasn’t fair to ruin her moment of clarity with the bitter bite of ill-placed jealousy. There was no part of you that envied her condition, but instead what it entailed; you coveted her ability to choose the life she wanted.

Talia shook her head free, a giggle warm on her breath. “We should get out of here. Night shift is gonna run us off soon. You have the time?”

“Uh, not readily available. But I’m sure it’s way past shift change.” You started toward the door.

“Hey, I noticed you’ve been staying in the on-call rooms?”

“Oh.” It surprised you that she’d noticed. The knowledge warmed you to your core, both from embarrassment and appreciation. “Yeah, I know you guys have been swamped down here with all the fallout from Starkiller, so I just thought I’d stay near to help out.”

She tsked, your name a mocked plead. “You are Starkiller fallout. You need to rest. Especially now that you can. I got an update from Zag about the trial. You’ve got, what? Three or four days before Canto Bight? Seven until the initial hearing?”

She’d done the same math you’d gone over at length. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth made it that much more real. Frightening. “I know. I do, I know. But what’s wrong with spending them here?”

“You know as much as I do that working constantly drains the absolute soul from you. Even just working these past three days I have been dying for my time off.”

“Yeah, but you have a reason to be tired.”

“I’m pregnant. You survived a planet exploding all the while keeping the Commander of the First Order alive. Are you forgetting that?”

Talia, I wish I could forget all of it. “No, I’m just-,”

“And I know you’ve been blowing off that McCarty guy. He’s a physician, right?”

Maybe you’d been less discreet in your efforts toward avoidance than you thought. It felt like being caught; this web of lies was becoming a strain, less of a benefit, a hinderance rather than protection. “He’s… Mason doesn’t know what he’s asking for, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” Talia strode to your side, stern eyes on your own. “Look,” a breath softened her demeanor, “whatever happened on Starkiller, whatever you saw or felt – it’s affecting you. I don’t know what it is, and I’m not asking you to tell me – though, you can tell me anything – but at some point it becomes a choice to remain stagnant in grief.”

“Hey!” Talia had always been blunt, but her audacity now clawed at your patience.

“Okay, sorry, yes that was very harsh,” she placed a firm hand on your shoulder, “but you are the one who made me realize that. Here. Now.”

Tears threatened but remained stuck in your throat. “Like you said, I’m alone in this. I have to be.”

“The way I see it, you aren’t-,”

“Talia, I am.”

“You aren’t. Me being here and that physician coming here every night is proof of that.” You met her with silence. She shrugged. “You could have left me to deal with my issues alone, but you saw me and knew I couldn’t.” More silence on your part, her stare flicking between your eyes. “I see you. You can’t deal with this alone. I won’t let you.”

You fought to hide them, but one by one fell the tears you had not permitted before. For so long it seemed you had been shielding others from hurt, ensuring a safety they were not aware they needed. Talia was offering that to you, now. Rejection was the first instinct to kick in, feelings of doubt and thoughts of I do not deserve this blaring in urgency.

But then she spoke, naming what you had been too scared to confront. “Choose to not be alone. It doesn’t make you a bad person,” her hand left you, overwhelming assurance in her smile, “You’ve been strong for long enough, for so many others. Let someone be strong for you for once.”

The next breath you took was a million times lighter than any you’d had since seeing Kylo those days ago. She really did see you, more than she could ever know. It was imperfect, of course; you weren’t sure anyone would ever be fully aware of how much pain you were in, there was so much you could never share. It was her offer that brought you solace; it may be superficial for you, but Talia was in your corner, and she believed, knew, that it meant something. In her eyes, pooled with intensity, you heard her loud and clear: that oath, born in blood, was renewed here and now, its strength indelible even in silence.

“Now,” she activated the door, its hiss shivering down your spine, “I think Mason would love it if you caught up with him.” The two of you stepped into the hall, already beginning to part paths. “I’d invite you to stay with me but I, uh…”

“You’ll be otherwise predisposed?”

“…We’ll see,” rose bloomed in her cheeks, “I don’t think I’ll tell him. Not tonight. Not yet.”

“Ah,” you sighed, a yawn slipping past.

“Get some sleep! And maybe just… get some, you know?”

The joke registered too late, her paces halfway down the hall before you called out, “Oh. Oh. No, I’m not with- we aren’t anything more than friends.” Not sure if she even heard you, she waved behind her before turning a corner. Well. That’ll need clarifying.

Heat flared in your cheeks, several pairs of eyes weighing on your shoulders at the outburst. Would there ever be a day when you were not embarrassing yourself on this unit? Given this would be the last shift before going to Canto Bight, probably not. Eyes tracking your steps, deciding to surprise Mason instead of call him, you found your way to the on-call room where your entire world was set up; remnants of a past one, at least.

In it you gathered your belongings – a pair of back up scrubs, a toiletries bag, and the lifeless watch. There was a hesitance before placing the device with the other items. Six nights you had spent staring at its blank face, resenting the stranger you’d come to see. Glancing your face before placing it in the bag, you did a double-take. In the most minute details, barely there, you found a familiarity in the eyes you met; they were less dull, something like life or light peeking through the surface.

You dropped the gadget into your pocket, gathered your uniform into the bag, and took a final glance at the shelter you’d sought amidst a storm that had nearly consumed you. Even though nothing had truly mended, there was comfort in the absence of solitude; in the face of probable death, the explicit knowledge that you were not alone made it less daunting. Less impossible.

A final breath brought the door to a close, footsteps leading you into the vast expanse of the Finalizer. The change in air was nice, lungs welcoming the difference and cluing you into the fact you still had a gauze square shoved up your nose. It took a tug to pull it from its place, a sting pinching at the sudden release of pressure.

“Shit,” you hissed, feeling a new stream of warmth trickle past your lips. Two fingers pressed to your mouth, testing for a mirage but coming back with the real thing, red creaks splintering into the ridges of your fingerprint. Without thinking you wiped it down your scrub top, forgetting you were no longer clothed in camouflaging black, but instead unforgiving grey. “Fuck!”

“Wasn’t this how I left you here the last time?”

The airlock must have snapped, lungs solid, muscles frozen. Tension seized your ribcage, pulse plummeting, blood bounding against tuned ears. Every bit of moisture abandoned your mouth. Every bodily process you could think of stopped.

There was no modulation, each word raw, bare, and clear as the last time you had heard their founder. At least, the last time you’d heard it while awake. It was less haunted now, filled not with insidious rage but rather bone-chilling earnest.

“I suppose not, given it’s your blood tonight.”

He drew nearer, boots heavy and steps paced to perfection, the rhythm of his stride an echo of your heart. Kylo Ren was less than three paces from you and all you could do was endure the sensation of a singular ruby droplet following the line of your artery, dragging past your clavicle, and ghosting the skin over your sternum. The crimson trail began to dry, steps no longer sounding when you forced yourself to look up.

Chaos tore into the base of your spine, every nerve ending firing at the sight of his bare face, no helmet to veil the visage you had memorized. The black strip rested in prominence, striking through his features; in it you found a curious attraction, finding it fit him. The wound was less severe now, healing with time. He wore no helmet, but that by no means meant there was no mask keeping him at a distance only he knew the measure of.

“Where have you been, officer?” Cyanosis was a likely reality, breath still evading you as each word fell in baritone; petrified pupils not knowing where to focus. “Your services finally required, and yet you were nowhere to be found.”

Nothing. No words. No sound. No thoughts. Barren in every aspect of cognizance, you remained silent and still, only knowing to perceive him for what he was: superior.

A twitch at his brow, a narrowing of his eyes. Studying. Testing. “How unfortunate; starved for words when they would actually count.” His injury moved fluidly against his words, a beauty in the way it ebbed with each syllable.

A ping sounded at your waist, commlink buzzing in your pocket.

Languid, Kylo’s eyes dipped toward the sound. “You should get that,” he drawled, eyes twitching before conquering yours once more, “could be important.”

His tone haunted you, demeanor too suggestive. You swallowed against a dry throat, locked in his stare, knuckles brushing your watch when you took out your commlink. It trembled in your grip, shocked muscles heavy with weakness. His concentration had become adamant, palpable, an eyebrow prompting your attention to whatever message had triggered the alarm.

Concerning the defendant,

In the week since the previous correspondence, it has come to be that the defendant is to partake in nursing practice during her time on Canto Bight. This allows the Board of Physicians ease in collecting surveillance imperative to their final judgement.

Commander Ren’s decision to bar the defendant from external practice has been nullified as to not contradict this process.

In permitting the defendant’s practice while on trial, the objective to obtain a new provider has been benched. Due to this, the defendant shall remain assigned to her current Master while residing on Canto Bight…

At last, breath flourished your lungs, an inadvertent gasp thrusting a glutton of oxygen into your airway. Crazed eyes darted over the message for any sign of a mistake that would prove it to be falsified; the only thing you could find was finality, a document containing the proposed schedule attached at the end of the message.

A buzz washed through your brain, overstimulated by the information, everything around you suddenly all too close and bright. Jaw bound shut but still trembling, eyes low and unfocused, a familiar pressure flicked just under your chin. The Force tipped your face upward, pupils strict in their position, passing first over a tense jaw and landing at last on the challenge that lay behind Kylo Ren’s glare.

“I’ll see you on Canto Bight, officer.” A serpentine smirk slithered along his lips, one stride bringing him so his face was hidden, shoulder linked with yours, and fingers jut out to graze at the hidden permanence atop your left thigh. His voice, an onslaught of emptiness, a cold threat, suffocated all that surrounded you. “You wanted to give me more? Prove it.”