#OH AND KANAYA WHAT THE HELL MAN I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER I JUST WANNA HUG HER AAAH

[fefairys]

53 54 55 56 57 59 60 68 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 . lol i just want u to do all of them

ur crazy i love u so much <3 under the cut again

53. Alpha kids or Beta kids? grrrrr I LIKE THEM ALL!!!!! im gonna say alpha kids cuz theyre underrated and im an alpha kid lover, but i really love them all :/

54. Alpha trolls or Beta trolls? beta trolls.

55. Beforus or Alternia? beforus is really interesting to look at because its so nuanced, i think. alternia is fun too because violence and killing and murder and all the trauma that comes with that, but there's also the insidiousness of beforus being seen as a "utopia" but it actually sucks really bad also, just in more subtle ways. beforus, final answer.

56. Derse or Prospit? DERSE GANG BABEY!!!! I LIKE. PURBLE!!!!

57. The Felt or The Midnight Crew? oh man i really like all the funnie time powers of the felt. gonna go with them even tho i love the midnight crew dearly as well.

59. Red team or blue team? i think red team would be more fun to be on because of the drama of it all

60. Meat or candy? oouugugughhhhhh..... both. neither. certain aspects of each. throw it all in the garbage. reread it 10 times. AAAHHHH

68. already answered

70. Do you like your God Tier outfit? (maid of heart) yeah i think its alright. looks comfy 👍 a fun dress might be nice tho...

71. Ship headcanons? this is too vague im going to eat you.

72. Character headcanons? eating you again this is EVEN MORE VAGUE

73. Meteor trip headcanons? man i dunno. rose and vriska stumbling upon each other alone at one point and its really awkward at first because theyve never really talked and rose probably dislikes vriska from the things kanaya has said about her, but she is very intriguing isn't she? they get to talking, as light players do, and vriska thinks rose is super cool, maybe she even says "You know what, Lalonde? You're actually pretty alright." and rose... hmm... rose wants to keep her distance, karkat and kanaya have both told her so many accounts of vriska being just straight up fucking evil. rose would probably suspicious of her trying to befriend her. i don't know that's all i've got idk what happens next.

74. Earth C headcanons? big polycule.

75. already answered

76. Do you like kidswaps? Do you have a favorite? kidswaps i have found more intriguing than bloodswaps for some reason.. i really like dave lalonde and rose strider i think that is rife for some super interesting shit going on. but idk i dont really think about AUs like this very much!

77. Do you like speciesswaps? Do you have a favorite? again havent really thought about it. designing the kids as trolls is really fun, but haven't thought about the implications or anything!

78. Do you use quadrants IRL? yup. you know this, juice, my kismoirailsis lol... fun fact for anyone else reading this, me and juice started as kismesises, which tends to surprise people who know us irl because we seem like we're sooo in love (which we are) but yeah we are still kismesises under that :) real!

79. Do you like celebrating 4/13? hell fucking yeah brother its a high holy day for me

91. Favorite hemocaste? aw man idk. probably gold. cool powers and usually nerds, whats not to love!

92. Favorite typing quirk? typing quirks are so fun i like all of em!!! T3R3Z1'S 1S D3F1N1T3LY 4 F4VOR1T3 THOUGH!!!

93. Favorite MSPFA? i have never read one all the way through </3 vast error is pretty cool but i am NOT caught up on it at all. thats the only one i've gotten super far in :/ sowwy

94. What would your strife specibus be? hmmmm.... i've always liked the idea of umbrellakind theres so much u can do with that, that's why i gave it to my first fantroll ever! so yeah i'll go with that. umbrella.

95. already answered

96. What would your lusus be? i want it to be a kitty... idk tho my trollsona's lusus is dead i havent really thought about it!

97. What caste do you feel you’d belong to, regardless of your zodiac? definitely a low one, still. idk rust feels right!

98. What characters do you relate most to? well.

99. already answered

100. One popular HS opinion you agree with? uh idk davekat and rosemary good 👍 :)

[thewebcomicsreview]

Seeing as I don’t have a job right now (one week furlough), I managed to get a lot of writing for Saffron and Sage done today. Now I feel good! Time to ruin that with a Homestuck 2 Liveblog! Last time: Jade kidnapped “Yiffy”, much to Jane’s distress! No time for that, though, as we’re back with the Candyland Kids. 

HARRY: vrissy, i know this is a stressful predicament but i think that's going too far. HARRY: my dad believes in us. HARRY: and if he thinks there's something we can do, then there has to be a way!

Kind of interesting that Harry holds his dad’s opinion in such high esteem, considering that his dad has been AWOL pretty much his whole life.

TAVROS: Uncle john isn't to blame for this,,, HARRY: yeah, no shit tav. HARRY: this whole situation is because of YOUR insane hitlermom.

How the hell does Harry Anderson know who Hitler is? When did that conversation come up? This is a completely different universe! 

TAVROS: Is less sincere,,, than it is,,, an attempt to weaponize something difficult for me, TAVROS: In order that you can win an argument,,, with harry anderson,,,,, VRISKA: GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! VRISKA: WILL YOU ALL JUST VRISKA: SHUT!!!!!!!! VRISKA: UP!!!!!!!!

A good example of why characters like John, Jade, Vriska, and sometimes Karkat are important in Homestuck or in stories generally. They actually do shit. 

VRISKA: Neither you nor your friends have anything really important going on. VRISKA: Your lives and your planet are a total 8ore! VRISKA: 8ut somehow John loves you anyway. VRISKA: Try and be fucking gr8ful for that every once in a while. VRISKA: Not everyone is so lucky.

Vriska please do not be pining for middle-aged John Egbert. You have literally half a dozen semi-official love interests (John, Terezi, Eridan, Tavros, Meenah and Kanaya), please don’t pick the one old enough to be your dad. It was already weird enough when Adult John got hot and bothered by teen Roxy in the epilogues, to say nothing of you fucking a middle-aged homeless clown in a bush.  

thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG]

Oh, fuck you, Homestuck. It’s bad enough that Harry and Dave are both going to be referred to as “TG” in chatlogs, but now Vrissy and Vriska are both AG and have the same font color! 

TG: i've allocated the strife specibus with the scissorkind abstratus? TG: hm. TG: using this weird vocab and stuff feels... well, weird. TG: i'm not sure why, but it seems as though everything that's about to happen is that much more important now. TG: or maybe it already was, but i just didn't understand just how important until this moment.

One issue with wearing your metaphor on your sleeve as much as Homestuck 2 does is that thematically important lines become really obvious. 

I like how the triangle-shaped panel around Vriska escaping the crowd by simply walking into it is reminiscent of a magic 8-ball. That’s clever! 

VRISKA: Your society... no, your whole planet... it deserves to 8urn str8 to MEGAhell, and I'm gonna 8e the one to fly it there! VRISKA: I'm gonna shatter your paradise into pieces with my 8are hands and SHIT IN ITS GRAVE!!!!!!!! VRISKA: HOW'S THAT FOR A FUCKING ST8MENT! VRISKA: YOU GOT ALL THAT, JANE CROCKER? VRISKA: DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S COMING FOR YOU???????? VRISKA: YOU'VE MESSED WITH VRISKA: ********VRISKA******** VRISKA: ****FUUUUUUUUCKING**** VRISKA: ********SERK8T********

There’s some extreme Dungeons and Dragons energy here, where Vriska’s plan to escape a mob of reporters working for a totalitarian dictatorship run by literal gods is to simply walk outside and publicly declare her intent to destroy the world as punishment for its sins. 

And yeah, this is how that plan usually works in DnD, too.

Man, the next page is a wall of text, whereas in old Homestuck this’d be an animation. I get “fair wages” and “small budget”, but is still feels weird to see a big Strife scene merely get described with boring-ass words.

Fearing gunfire, the few paparazzi who aren't currently getting their asses handed to them by the world's angriest traffic cone start to trip over each other, diving for cover.

The world’s angriest traffic cone.

Far away, in her lair, Jane Crocker grabs the two sides of her computer monitor with enough strength to snap it in two. She can't believe what she's watching. Behind her, from a shadowy corner of the room, there is an agitated growling noise and the rattle of chains.

Is that Yiffy? Is Yiffy an animal? Please tell me Yiffy is not a person that Jade named Yiffy. 

....Actually, please tell me that Yiffy isn’t an animal Jade named Yiffy that is Jade’s child via sex with another animal that might be my breaking point.

Vriska alights on the ground, rakes her throat, quietly spits out a little wad of blue, and wipes her mouth unceremoniously. Tavros pats Harry Anderson tentatively on the arm. Vrissy tries to be badass and cough up something too but she doesn't really make it work.  

Vrissy::Vriska Vriska::Mindfang

It’s weird that John’s sprite is the same even though he’s middle aged now, but I like that his God Tier outfit doesn’t fit any more. Isn’t it magical? Ahh, who cares.

JOHN: this old thing is pretty uncomfortable in a lot of ways. JOHN: hm... JOHN: when we get a moment, maybe the two of us could brainstorm a redesign? JOHN: no pressure though. HARRY: !!!

Oh, that’s why! That’s cute. 

JADE: theres something i need to tell you

don’thavefuckedadogdon’thavefuckedadogdon’thavefuckedadog

JADE: john... i have a daughter JADE: shes almost harry andersons age JOHN: ... JOHN: ... JOHN: you have a daughter.

Named Yiffy?

ROSE: It was at this point that Jade came to me. ROSE: I could understand her pain quite acutely, and so... ROSE: I agreed to carry a child on her behalf. KANAYA: . ROSE: ... Without telling Kanaya.

Without-

Kanaya is your WIFE. You LIVE WITH HER. Even ignoring the question of why you’d keep 9 months of pregnancy from your wife, how? Kanaya would have been living with humans for years at that point and she’s literally in charge of reproduction don’t tell me she thought Rose just got fat for a while and then lost the weight really fast. 

ROSE: I'm... not sure why I made that decision. ROSE: I regret not telling Kanaya, of course. ROSE: But I can't say that I regret going through with it. ROSE: At the time, it didn't feel as though the deception was even all that prolonged. The whole affair was... short. ROSE: Purely physical, and nothing more.

ROSE: John, there isn't a father. ROSE: Jade and I are the sole parents of this child. JOHN: oh. JOHN: ... JOHN: OH. JOHN: oh i'm so sorry, i didn't th- ROSE: That's quite alright John, although you might like to direct that apology more towards your sister. ROSE: All I will say is that if you would like to take up the particulars with us, ROSE: Some *other* time, 

Actually, if John doesn’t know that Jade has a male dog’s genitals due to a fusion accident, I’d love to know what that all-caps OH means. What does he think happened, that Jade and Rose managed to have a baby? 

JOHN: so... how did you hide the pregnancy? ROSE: Oh, that was simple. ROSE: Jade's genes being, as they are, part canine, the gestation period was substantially reduced.

OH NO 

Yiffy is literally a furry, isn’t she? Moreso that Jade, she’s a full-on “Can be naked onscreen and it’s okay because she’s covered in fur” dog girl.

JOHN: i think i understand everything so f VRISSY: WAIT!!!!!!!! VRISSY: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME VRISSY: NOT ONLY DO I H8VE A SISTER VRISSY: 8UT YOU NAMED VRISSY: YOUR ****SECRET CHILD**** VRISSY: ********YIFFY********????????

Vrissy makes an excellent point. 

ROSE: We didn't call her Yiffy. ROSE: That would be a quite ridiculous thing with which to burden a child. ROSE: Her full name is Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde Harley.

Vrissy looks as though she is about to shit the belltower they are standing in, brick by brick.

ROSE: It was, in hindsight, a monumentally terrible decision acting as the final chapter in a long series of novels, each one full of progressively more terrible decisions than the last. ROSE: But that is the name that we decided upon.

Oh, wait a second. Vriska changed Vriska Maryam-Lalonde to Vrissy, and changed Harry Anderson to just Harry. So obviously she’s going to rename Yiffy to literally anything else, then rename Tavros, and then we’ve got a new set of four kids as Vriska leaves to do something else. That’s what going to happen, right? Right? Please? 

ROSE: You have to understand... this whole situation ended up playing out a bit like an ironic game of chicken between the two of us. ROSE: Something that far outstripped anything that the Strider fraternity could have produced in their wildest, most jpegged creative wet dreams. ROSE: But in the end that triumph of irony came back to bite us in the fucking ass, as irony is wont to do. ROSE: There was absolutely no possibility of us casually letting you all know that, by the way, we had had a secret daughter named Yiffany Longstocking. ROSE: At least, not right away. ROSE: But carapacian change-of-name paperwork is so complex and circuitous that, eventually, keeping quiet forever just seemed like the more reasonable option.

This is, even for Homestuck, monumentally stupid. You named your daughter Yiffany Longstocking as a joke and then kept the child secret because you were embarrassed. You two are awful fucking parents. You are the worst parents in the entire series, and that includes Bro Strider and the spider that made Vriska feed it children. 

And we’re literally at the point where the writing is bad and the joke is how bad the writing is. This isn’t enjoyable to read; you can’t make a bad B-movie My Immortal fanfic on purpose.  

Even now, Yiffy is likely being held at spoonpoint

I feel like “Jade and Rose have a secret daughter named Yiffany Longstocking” can be a joke or it can be drama but maybe not both at the same time. 

[skips-is-asleep]

Ranking All The Sollux Ships In Character Order

Firstly i wanna make it clear that i headcanon sollux as bisexual (fucking obviously) so genders not a factor in any of my reads of the ships

June/Sollux: This one’s really crack-ey. I used to be super fucking into it but now it’s like…only good in theory i guess. 3/10

Rose/Sollux: Pale? Perhaps. Ive seen some good stuff for them pale, it’s pretty interesting to think about, especially considering how similar he is to Dave and how THEY get along together. 4/10 Potential

Dave/Sollux: Like i said, i read sollux and dave as pretty clear character parallels. Dave might get a kick out of verbally T-Bagging him but i think Sollux would quickly get annoyed, perhaps a spur of the moment pitch fling? maybe theyre pitch friends with benefits but only very rarely and sollux cant stand him any other time? All good ideas! 5/10

Jade/Sollux: I could definitely see it! Theyre first meeting has them hitting it off pretty well, I think sollux would really like her, but i dunno if she’d really like him all that much. 5/10

Aradia/Sollux: Timeless, literally. Flavor is immaculate. I prefer them pale FOR SURE, and i always have. Ive never read any of their relationships, chemistry, or conversations as THAT kind of romantic, but i think its super valid for people who do read it that way 12/10

Tavros/Sollux: TavSol is SO UNDERRATED. It’s SO CUTE. Tavros would be comfortable enough to sass Sollux just right and sollux would be taken so off guard by it, he’d find it hilarious, like a baby saying a swear word. They’re fidusspawn buddies, theyre Friend’s with Aradia Buddies, like theyre actually so fucking cute, open your eyes 6/10

Karkat/Sollux: Do i have to talk about this one. Do i have to– Okay so This is Actually The Best Sollux Ship Ever Ya;ll are Wrong About Everything And I Am Right 20000000000000000/10

Nepeta/Sollux: I dont have a lot to say about this one. Does anyone? I dont know a lot about nepeta and i dont have any friends who love her, so i could only guess if she’d actually want to get along with him, or if his personality would be offputting to her. Then again, she canonically had/has a crush on karkat, so maybe sollux’s Ability To Respect Women would make him look appealing. Maybe she’d ask him for advice on how to ask out karkat and hed WANT to give her bad advice because he wants to piss off and embarrass karkat, but nepeta just looks so innocent and genuine in her feelings, he can’t bring himself to do it 5/10

Kanaya/Sollux: Pale, obviously and WOW, top notch. Theyre very very good friends, good moirails, she mothers the hell out of him and he does little errands for her. She taught him how to mend his own clothes so he can do it himself and not depend on her, but they still do it together. Also if you read that one really dumb fic i wrote, i headcanon that they have tea parties even though sollux doesnt like tea 8/10

Terezi/Sollux: Pale again, very VERY cute. Writing this fic was so much fun, i loved how they interact with each other here. And in the comics, he’s so  surprised that she calls him cool like “oh my god she thinks im cool” AndD WHEN HE WENT BLIND SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON HE WANTED TO TALK TO THATS SO CUTE WHY DONT MORE PEOPLE SHIP THIS 8.5/10

Vriska/Sollux: sound byte of that clip from Weird Al’s “I’ll sue ya” Do i even need a reason?? 0/10

Equius/Sollux: Okay ya know what, THIS IS A GOLDMINE yall are SLEEPING on equisol. My friends cannot get me to stop talking about this, but i dont think ive had the opportunity here to talk about it. Imagine Equius just flat out not believe that sollux is at all capable as a psionic bc he’s so scrawny and wimpy, and even when sollux grinds his teeth into the pavement, it still frustrates him that he could be so much STRONGER if he put the effort into it, “You could be strong in TWO WAYS, sollux” and yeah that does sound appealing to him, but seeing equius get so fucking mad that he’s not ripped but is still able to knock his ass down is so funny it’s almost not attractive. He definitly doesn’t tell people he has a pitch crush on equius, ESPECIALLY NOT KARKAT ARE YOU KIDDING and threatens equius at gun point not to tell anyone because could you image, suave, cool, adorkable, gets all the ladies sollux is in a kismesistude with EQUIUS, GOD. Have ya’ll even read that paradox space comic with the two of them i swe– 9/10

Gamzee/Sollux: That same fic i linked earlier is also a pretty good interaction between them that i like? Sollux just. Cannot stand him. At all, and it’s so funny. Maybe it’s a little, tiny tiny bit pitch, he just wants to strangle him in a way that’s not ENTIRELY platonic cause maybe he’s kind of hot in a deranged  clown way? 5/10

Eridan/Sollux: Wheres the flavor? i dont taste anything, nutmeg, cinnamon, I don’t tast–No but for real, no offense to fellow homestuck old fans, erisol is kind of trash. I ADORE them when theyre beating each other within an inch of their lives. Like, sollux dropping a mall on Eridan as a “warning” and eridan shooting at him in the sky is GOLD. I prefer erisolkat, perhaps when eridan and sollux are stuck alone for way too long and have to “pass the time” somehow, and by pass the time, see how many times i can stab you before you pass out, and karkat has to take the knives away 4/10

Feferi/Sollux: This one is good, an old classic, but @zeldasoft-art made a really fucking funny post about what if they’re only pretending to date each other to piss eridan off and i lost my fucking marbles 8/10

Jane/Sollux: im not even gonna– 0/10

Roxy/Sollux: hacker buddies, tech buddies, computer buddies. Like if rivalry and one-up-manship, typical kismesis behavior had a red/pale counterpart. I feel like they’d have a lot of fun making projects together  and contests but they wouldnt be that mean or violent.

Dirk/Sollux: This is. A little bit of a guilty pleasure for me. This is basically equisol, but dirk is mean to sollux in sollux’s brand of mean, and shares sollux’s sense of humor. Imagine the two of them getting into hard roasting each other, getting more and more mean with insults until Sollux tries to make a move on him and that last insult hurt a little hard so dirk gets a little pouty or misty in the eyes cause you don’t diss a man’s MLP collection dude, those got him through a lot of rough times. The fact that dirk made Hal at all makes him like 50% more attracted to him 8/10

Jake/Sollux: He would love bullying him, so much. I dunno if there’s any romance in it or if he just hates jake in the not fun away and wants to make him cry 3/10

[rabble-dabble]

Listen to the stars - Johnkat

Now that you have god tiered, the music of the wind isn’t something to evade your ears so easily. Its dance and sway is something that is as easy for you to manipulate as it is for you to hear it out. Sure, it’s not the most practical song ever, as you don’t think it would make much sense of something like the breeze sounded more like piano notes than, well, like wind, but it’s still a musical to your hearing pleasure nonetheless. You guess you could say in the way that Jade feels connected and the surging power to the Green Sun is how you can beckon the wind to your hand and listen to its whisper. And you like the way it tries to talk to you because it’s soothing and gentle and it sort of reminds you of your childhood.

Having been tuned to the wind, though, you have come to understand one thing: Karkat Vantas is loud.

When you meet him it is a whirlwind of emotion and you can see your best friends after having been apart from them for so long (even if it has actually only been a while) and you are so okay with the entire commotion. The trolls stand to the side to let you guys reunite in a tearful reunion, and then once that’s over you and Jade are super hyped to see the trolls, so as Jade jumps up and down with little cute excited yips and barges forward to hug whatever troll she can get her hands on first, you turn to the one troll who’s expression matches closely to what you think a grumpy Mr. Vantas would definitely look like. 

And his growl is confirmation of it when you say, “Hey Karkat!”

But then he surprises you, just a little, because he starts talking, and wow, he really does keep up the image that he rants about everything and anything. 

“So you’re supposed to be the best excuse of your species that’s left in the reality shithole we live in now? I haven’t been counting Dave since he got here, by the way, because he would give you humans an unfair disadvantage in the long course of survival of the fittest and I refuse to believe that eyewear is apparently a human male necessity otherwise you guys get culled.” And, before you can even put in a word, his gaze falls lower on your hands. “Oh, the ends of your hands look fucked up. Majorly. Can you even call those things claws?”

And then he grabs your hands, and you can’t even find yourself to say anything as his sudden surprise bursts out into his words. 

“Oh, wait, are human hands always this soft? Holy shit, and clawless?? No wonder you humans suck at even the basic skills of protecting yourselves, you’re practically defenseless!!!” He traces your ring finger carefully, with a sharp finger you notice is pointed away from your skin and feeling over the traces of your knuckle. “This is a major oversight on behalf of everything known to the shitty gods of space and time. I can feel your bone through the skin, holy hell, are you supposed to be this fragile-looking? Maybe that’s why your society depends on pity, because I cannot think about how you humans survived throughout stunted evolution and somehow surviving to end up like this. Is this how all the humans were? Just frail and fragile?? Frail and fragile and soft and-”

Eventually, Kanaya has to pry him away from you because it really seems like he doesn’t want to let go!

So you learn Karkat is, more often than not, loud. You have also come to understand that it doesn’t bother you that much, for some reason or another. You’d think that the volume of his voice would make you irritated or something, just a little, but it really doesn’t seem so. It’s actually pretty interesting, you think, just because of how scratchy his voice sounds, never becoming wary or tired about whatever particular topic he wants to talk about. If you had to describe the way he sounded, you think it’d be something like thunder rumbling in the distance so it’s not exactly loud or particularly threatening to cast the lights out, yet, but it is still close enough to enjoy the little goosebumps you get along your skin as you lean in closer to hear the sound of it because you like how it sounds that way. 

The thunder, you mean. 

Okay fine, you will admit that maybe sometimes you bring up a topic that you know he’s passionate about and just let him rant for hours sitting next to him and listening attentively. Or, maybe you will just sit near him and whoever he might be bickering with from time to time and listen in to the crescendo of his voice, the plucked notes of the high jumping tones, and the lower prickling rumble at the ends of his sentences where he gets a smug little look of satisfaction before he is somehow always proved wrong by the other contender of the conversation. Sometimes that’s when you swoop in to save his day, offering up to go play some video games or re-watch whatever you two have seen already just to secretly set aside almost all of your attention and listen to all the ways he rants to you about definitely being right this time, there is no way that I could have messed up anything, I’ve looked all into it and-

And it’s sort of soothing? You don’t know what part of your heart likes just listening so closely. You don’t know why you can lay next to him for hours as his voice is a musical orchestra presenting just the most beautiful tones about how Troll Will Smith is the best actor in the two universes his persona has existed in, ever, in all time, or why it makes you feel so light and airy and like you need to fly around the meteor twice just to get whatever energy his voice seems to give you out. You mean, his voice isn’t particularly cosmetically different to the point of astonishing, and you have tried giving a listen to the way Dave talks (fast and sudden, low and steady except for the ends, like needing a nap on a humid summer day) and even some of the trolls like Terezi (jumpy, a pitch that swings back and forth from gentle to excitable, her voice is planned like she has the music sheet already in her head) but they still don’t give you any clue as to why Karkat’s voice is something that you really, really like.

Except, one day, you get it, when pointing out something comedically simple to Karkat through a topic he didn’t understand, and instead of taking it as an insult, his face twists in a delighted little surprise as his words take your breath away. 

“Oh, John,” He nearly whispers. “You’re a genius.”

And you don’t know why it does, but that sentence in the gentle boiling rumble of his voice, simmered down on the stove to just be less than scalding, ignites you all over. 

Your new mission from then on? Get Karkat to talk always around you. How do you do that? The easiest way to do so would be to get him mad; but not too mad, because then he becomes a stumbling mess of angry insults that don’t string together well. The second easiest? Get him to talk about his interests. The third? Ask him. You are not doing the third, so you go with the second. 

He gets suspicious of you at first, like he always does, but to your luck listening to him isn’t just all of the numbing nonsense of his voice so he appreciates your newly made efforts to engage in the conversation. It’s not too bad, as all he ever wants to talk about is either movies, romance, or how dumb some of your friends are, and you are an expert in at least two of those categories. And with the added bonus about how you like to hear the sound of his voice, you don’t really get too worried about whether or not he’ll start to catch on.

...which he starts to catch on after you get distracted listening too hard. 

“Hello?? Reality to Egbert, dipbrains, did you even hear what I said?”

You yip and get embarrassed, because uh oh, you got caught. 

“Uh, of course I did!” No, you did not. “You were talking about..frogs...right?”

“Yeah,” he replies, a little huffy, and it makes your insides feel a little cold. “It’s fine, though, I get that no one really wants to hear in-depth about how I fucked up an entire universe even though I had all of the time to do everything right and avoid exactly that. Much less, your human’s universe. I thought maybe this would be something we could, I don’t know, talk about, since after all it is your universe and you were interested in ectobiology, or at least the process of it once upon a time. Not that you even learned much about it, considering how I watched you push a few buttons and then scamper off into the realm of the furthest ring hellspawn of bubbles and dead dreams.”

“No, no!” You attempt to save the conversation, because you want to hear him, and maybe not what he’s talking about but definitely him all right. “Karkat, man, it wasn’t that I’m not interested! My brain was just, uh, thinking about it all.”

He looks at you for a few seconds, an unbelievably long few seconds which makes you sweat more than you ever have in your entire life, before looking away with a glum droopy sad face. 

“Shit, then, I apologize if it’s a fuck ton. I know that I don’t exactly do breaks, but if I’m really talking that much, too much for even your pathetic thinkpan to handle..”

Oh man, oh no, he looks so sad, you can’t even think as you blurt out, “No!! Karkat, I like hearing you talk a lot!”

And then he whips his head to you, eyes wide in that way of disbelief that has your brain skipping a record or two of thinking. “What?”

Your mouth shuts in on itself before you can stupidly say anything else. Your mind runs, and reruns, and it goes uh oh! You’re an idiot! as he looks at you, and you look at him, and you gulp with a suddenly dry throat. 

“Uh..” his eyes, scattering over your face are very concentrated now, looking, seeking for reason, and you want to run away forever but you also know you’d rather die than run away from Karkat. “I..like hearing you speak. All of the time.”

“...really?”

It is the smallest Karkat noise you have ever heard, and your heart catches it to store in your head and run that little noise of wonder and soft cotton through your memory forever. You nod your head, barely letting your mouth open to breathe, because if you speak, you’re going to start talking about his voice and you know you won’t have the power to stop.

But now he’s looking at you with big eyes, and a very soft and hesitant gaze, and you’re super aware of how quiet it is except for the breathing tune of the musical construction that is his lungs. You’re not talking, but neither is he, dammit, and that was the thing you didn’t want!

“Don’t stop,” you nearly plead. “You can’t, I want to hear you talk.”

“You want to hear me talk?”

“Yes! That’s only what I want all of the time.”

But that is the wrong thing to say, because suddenly, there’s a challenging look in his eyes. His mouth is clamping such, lips tightly drawn and his face looking strained a bit as he refuses to do what you asked, keeping all noise but the simple wind you can hear going in and out of his body. You try to say, “Karkat, please,” but he shakes his head, and you feel like you can’t live as he childishly tries to refuse to make a single breath, and you’re nearly shaking because you have to hear him. It isn’t fair! He’ll talk all of the time to your friends, but the moment you say that you want him to talk because you’re absolutely in love with the sound of his voice he goes and refuses to speak!?!?

“That isn’t fair, Karkat! Let me hear-” and he puts his hands over his mouth, which you try to gently pry off but he isn’t giving up! “Karkat! I’m serious! I’ll keep asking until you tell me to stop!! You can’t just not speak forever!”

His smug glance over to you says, Yes I can too!!!!

You howl. “Karkat!! Pleaaaase, I like hearing your voice, I swear I do, I don’t think about anything but it all of the damn time now!!!”

And that almost gets him, where he mumbles a quick “You-” before shaking his head wildly. 

“Karkat!”

His rumbly retort is lost to the muffledness behind his hand, and that’s it, you will not let this go on any longer, so you jump towards him before he can stop you and wrench his hands from his own face. He has a wild, surprised look on his face, but you don’t even dare to stare and soak his reaction in before you’re pushing your face against his chest and hear his little “-oomph!” that he gives as the two of you fall flat backward.

“Please, please, pretty please, I’ll let you pick the movies for the next month of movie nights, I swear I’ll watch all of the troll romcoms you want, I swear I’ll-”

“John,” and your breath catches, his chest stills, but then he continues, “are you seriously that desperate?”

You give a small “Yeah,” as you listen closely to his heartbeat, his breathing pattern, the euphorically smooth way his voice sounds when quiet and low. 

“You’re ridiculous!” But he’s bringing his fingers to run through your hair, and for some reason, you can make out this little drumming rumble in his chest which sounds akin to purring, and you’re melting. “You’ve seriously been like that the entire time, you desperate fuck, I bet you that- holy shit, that’s why you’ve been there every time in the middle of- you’ve been doing this from the start! You’re a sneaky shit, John Egbert, you imprudent little-”

But he doesn’t stop, and that’s exactly what you wanted from the beginning and you got it. He mumbles and mumbles and whines and complains, but you’re just too lost into the mystical throaty noise of his voice to be coherent enough to retaliate against his probably very offensive insults against you. You curl around him and try to make him your own personal bubble of the lovely Karkat sound, which he complains against, but he’s not shoving you away, so you’re taking it as a win. You float in that bubbly high sense of drowsiness and yet excitable spur of noise, his noise, Karkat noise, that you don’t realize exactly when it is he tries to start speaking to you again. 

“-I’m not going to be your personal noise machine, you lump of idiocy, you’re going to find some way to compensate me because this isn’t a free personal send off to do a favor for-”

You take his hand and peer up at him.

“-as if I’m...I’m, uh…” he looks back and forth between your clasped hands and your face, before going in a tightly wound voice, “..shit. I guess that’s okay too.”

And then he starts talking about universes again, except he tells you about how he made your night sky and your glimmering stars, all of which reminds you of some far off detail about how if one listened closely enough, they could hear the stars twinkling. So you smile to yourself, and burrow your face into his chest, knowing that for the longest time you have already been able to hear what they had to say, and hope they never stop speaking at all. 

[albapuella]

How to Lose a Lover in 10 Days or Less: A Comprehensive Guide to Becoming a Future Romantic Failure (Chapter One)

AO3

Fandom: Homestuck

Summary: How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days AU Dave needs to win a bet; Karkat needs to write an article. Shenanigans ensue.

Tags: Humanstuck, alternate universe - no sburb session, POV switches galore, implied/referenced child abuse Author’s note: This story is the result of a jam session I did with aceAdoxography on the davekat thirst federation discord server. This one's a little out of my usual wheelhouse, but I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. New chapters every Saturday/Sunday.

I also tried to be fancy with the html, but it didn't come out right (you will see what I mean). However, I'm leaving it as is for now.

Chapter 1: Inciting Incidents 

Day 0:

“I'm smooth as peanut butter,” Dave protested, his coffee sloshing in its cup as he swung his arm out. “Choosy moms might choose Jiff, but I ain't in the market for an older woman at the moment. Just call me Skippy, because that's how smooth I am.”

Rose looked both unimpressed and unconvinced. “Really?” She took a small, dignified sip of her tea.

“Yes!” Dave frowned. “I'm like super suave. Fucking James Bond over here.”

She squinted at him for a moment. “You do realize that James Bond is characterized by his inability to keep any woman with him longer than the length of one of his movies.”

“That's only because he's too much man to be tied down,” Dave said. “And that's not even the point: the point is that the fucker's suave. He can have any girl he wants.”

“And I suppose you can get any boy you want?” It sounded dismissive. “It would be wonderful if you managed that feat before my wedding. You know how mother worries about you, and I would rather not spend the first day wedded to my wife listening to mother wailing about how her poor little Davey's going to be all alone in the world.”

Dave felt the flush creeping up his cheeks, and he wasn't sure if he was experiencing his future humiliation already or if he was getting mad. Just because he couldn't keep a relationship going for long, that didn't mean he wasn't smooth. It wasn't his fault that up until very recently he'd only pursued girls because he hadn't wanted to admit he was gay... Okay, yes, that actually was his fault. The point was of course those relationships had failed. His relationship prowess had never been given a fighting chance. “Yeah, I could. In fact, I could make any of the guys here fall for me.”

“Very well, brother of mine,” Rose said, smiling that particular smile which tended to portend bad things for the person it was directed at, “how about that one?” She pointed to a man sitting alone at a table on the other end of the cafe.

Dave looked over at him without making it obvious he was doing so. Damn, Rose. The guy was a snack, obviously, but his expression indicated that the whole world had pissed in his cornflakes one at a time and had made him miss the bus to his job at the blow job factory. Still, it was too late to back out now. “Fine,” he said, setting down his cup just a little too hard. “I'll see you in two weeks, Rose, and I'll have him on my arm in a matching tux. We're going to be the hottest, gayest penguins you've ever fucking seen.”

She laughed at him. Which was fine: he was going to have the last laugh here. And there was no time like the present. He stood and strode over to the other table, curving his mouth in his smoothest, suavest fucking smile.

The man had noticed Dave's approach and looked up from his coffee, the ire on his face now joined by confusion. “Can I help you?” His voice was rough but not unpleasant. His tone was less pleasant, but Dave had expected that from his expression.

“I sure hope so,” Dave said. He put one hand on his hip and held the other out to the man. “I've just lost my name: can I have yours?”

The man blinked. Then he laughed—less amused and more disbelieving. “Seriously? You're seriously going to open up with that? That has to be the cheesiest fucking pick up line I've heard in my life. And I've heard a lot of them.”

Dave only grinned. Breaking the ice was just one of Dave's many talents. “What can I say, dude, I'm a connoisseur of fine cheese. Premium, aged in wooden crocks or whatever.” He waggled his hand. “Don't leave me hanging.”

The man looked from Dave's hand to his face and back again before heaving a sigh. He shook Dave's hand, his grip solid but not crushing. “Karkat.” Then he frowned. “What do you want?”

“Thought that was obvious, Karkat,” Dave said, trying the name out. He liked it. “I want to ask you out. On a date. I'm Dave, by the way,” he added quickly. It probably would have been smarter to open up with that. It also occurred to Dave that there were a lot of other variables he hadn't considered until this moment. “If you're single. God, I hope you're single. And into guys. Otherwise, I'm going to feel pretty stupid.”

Karkat opened his mouth but didn't speak as something too quick for Dave to pick up flashed across his face. Then he grinned, perhaps a little too widely. “You're in luck,” he said. “I am in the market for a date.”

Oh. “Cool. Cool, that's—” Dave broke off with a fake cough into his fist. “Yeah, uh. So, are you free tomorrow? Night?”

A slow nod. “Yeah. Sure. Sounds great.” He dug through his bag and took out a small notepad. “Do you use Pesterchum?” he asked as he scribbled something down.

“I think everyone and their grandmother uses Pesterchum,” Dave said, still kind of surprised that this was going as well as it was. “Not my grandmother, I don't have one, but you know, grandmothers. Or the tech savvy ones anyway. I think your average grandmother might have some trouble—the text is kind of tiny, isn't it?”

Karkat looked up from his writing. “Right.” He ripped the page out and held it out to Dave. “Message me, and we can set up that date.”

Dave took the paper. “Thanks, I'll, uh, message you soon!” Without waiting for a response, he turned on his heel and made his way back to Rose. He knew his face was burning, but he decided to believe it was the flush of victory rather than anything else. She was still smiling at him, and he held the paper out in front of her face. “See? I've already got his chumhandle. You're going to eat your words, Rose. I hope you like the taste of humble pie.”

Rose laughed behind her hand. “Nice work, Dave,” she said once she'd recovered. “Try not to break his heart, won’t you?”

“What?” Dave shook his head. “His heart is going to be wrapped in three layers of bubble wrap and under ten pounds of packing peanuts.” He shoved the paper into his pocket. “I got this thing on lock.”

---

Karkat tore his eyes away from the retreating Dave to jot down some notes on his notepad. Looked like he'd be able to write this article sooner rather than later. Unless Dave had been dared to come over and get his phone number. That had happened before. He scowled into his coffee. Well, if Dave never got in touch with him, then he'd just use his last disaster of a relationship to base his article on. That was what he'd planned to do originally anyway.

It wasn't a secret around the office that Karkat Vantas, despite being a font of romance wisdom, was dead in the water when it came to dating and keeping a boyfriend. He attributed this mostly to his abhorrent personality and lack of self-control. Whenever the opportunity came up for him to stick his foot in his mouth, you could find him there, furiously chewing on his toes. He'd lost count of how many times a date had ended because he'd said something he shouldn't have. Or rather, screamed something he shouldn't have at the top of his lungs with more profanity than was warranted in retrospect.

So, of course, the boss knew about Karkat's lackluster love life, too. The assignment had been one of her little jokes. One of her little mind games. “Oh, Mr. Vantas, please write an article about how to fuck up a relationship in less than two weeks—it should be easy for you seeing as you're such an expert at being so noxious that no one but your handful of friends can even stand to be anywhere around you, never mind a stranger who doesn't know your history or has any reason to want to stick around and deal with your bullshit.” Paraphrased, of course. Her version had been much less honest.

He re-read his notes.

* Dave, no last name given. Terrible pick up line. Rambles. Idiot or awkward. Or both. Dresses like a color-blind douche bag. Obnoxious sunglasses. Vision impaired? Hot. Attractive. Moderately attractive.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he set down his notepad to fish it out. He frowned down at the screen. A notification from Pesterchum? His heart rose a little despite himself until he saw the name. Kanaya. He sighed. While he was happy she was happy, he couldn't handle being gushed at right now. He put the phone on the table and finished his coffee.

---

Dave dithered for hours before he finally decided on the perfect message to open communications with.

TG: this is dave from the cafe TG: wanted to say hey TG: and ask what you want to do Saturday

Okay, so it wasn't the best rap ever, but he was stretched for material here. Also, it probably wasn't a good idea to blow up this guy's phone before Dave got some confirmation that this was even Karkat's chumhandle. It wouldn't be the first time someone had given him a dud. At least the messages were going through: that was a good sign.

CG: ARE YOU RHYMING ON PURPOSE? TG: hell yea dog TG: mc strider here by popular demand to lay down the jams TG: ive got all my adoring fans just waiting for me to shower them with stanz- TG: -as like youve never seen its a dream come true straight to you

That was enough; he had to give Karkat some time to respond. Assuming this was Karkat.

TG: this is karkat right? CG: OH I CAN TALK NOW? CG: YES THIS IS KARKAT. CG: AS CHARMING AS THIS IS (AND I AM SO UTTERLY CHARMED RIGHT NOW), DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME? TG: totally i totally do i knew as soon as i saw you yea im taking this total snack on a date

Which was not a lie, technically. Yes, Dave liked how Karkat looked, but he probably wouldn't have gone over to his table without Rose egging him on.

TG: where do you want to go skys the limit TG: but not really TG: cause no offense but i just met you TG: and i dont think were at the stage where id be willing to sell one my kidneys TG: to make your dreams of jumping out of an airplane onto the back of a narwhal or some shit like that come true TG: thats like after at least date number 5 and id expect some kind of thanks TG: at least a tongue kiss or something TG: not that i think you need to pay for dates physically TG: thats all kinds of gross TG: forget i said any of that please CG: … CG: HOW ABOUT DINNER AND A MOVIE. LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. CAN WE DO THAT?

Dave grinned with relief. He'd thought for sure he'd just blown this.

TG: sounds great nothing beats the classics

With that sorted out, the rest had been easy. Dave closed his phone, feeling accomplished. He was really doing this. He was really making this happen. But first, he had some clothes to throw in the shower!

---

Karkat slid his phone back into his pocket with a sigh. Well, now he had a date for tomorrow. He looked down at the new set of notes he'd written during that 'conversation'.

* Last name Strider? Raps without provocation. Definitely visually impaired. Goes off on wild tangents. I'm going to be murdered. What the hell am I doing?

It had been difficult not to react in his normal way to the frankly bizarre things Dave had said, and he knew that was only going to be more difficult to manage in person. Still, he had to 'hook' this man as best as he was able before he could fuck it up like always. After all, he couldn't 'lose' a guy he never 'had', right? He idly entertained the thought of what 'having' Dave might be like. He was clearly crazy, but there was something endearing in his total inability to communicate like a regular person. The way he'd been so obviously nervous and out of his depth when he'd come over to ask Karkat out. The way his cheeks had flushed when Karkat had accepted. The way his body had moved when he'd walked away.

Shaking his head, Karkat tucked the notepad into his bag. No point in even thinking about it. Even if he weren't getting into this just to ruin the relationship for his article, the end would have been the same anyway. Honestly, he was doing Dave a favor: at least this way, Dave would only be wasting ten days worth of his time rather than torturous months of dealing with Karkat's bullshit before finding an excuse to cut him loose.

[mathes0n]

Do ya think you could give me a rundown of what happens in the epiloges so I don't have to slog through it same way you did (bless you by the way, I really can't imagine what wasting a whole day on homestuck of all things is like)

I tried my best!!! I may have skipped some details here and there but these were what I remembered the most

TW for…. Suicide, themes of fascism, themes of sex, mentions of transphobia and just… general Homestuck Bullshit

MEAT:

John agrees to go fix canon or w/e, he goes back and collects teenage versions of Rose, Dave, Jade, Jane, Dirk, Jake and Roxy; they’re all teens and he keeps calling them “kids” and thats kinda cute

Adult John + 7 teenagers go to fight Caliborn; Caliborn locks the beta kids in the homestuck juju box thing (which was foreshadowed in earlier homestuck i fucking THINK??)

The beta kids are then suddenly teleported into the final battle against Lord English, in which he kills everyone but John

Davepeta sacrifices themself to force Lord English into the black hole

Also Lord English bites John and he’s dying I guess and floating towards the black hole

Terezi finds him and they both find sanctuary in a car thats also floating around. Also they have sex here

They both teleport to Earth C where John then immediately DIES

B PLOT: Jane is running for president of the world, to which everyone insists that this is a bad idea because Hussie spun a wheel and decided that she was Facist now

Karkat worries that she’ll regulate troll reproduction, and Dave convinces him to run for president against her

There’s also some like unresolved tension between Dave and Karkat, Jade tries to get the three of them to date but she comes across as pushy and weird and WILDLY out of character! But it goes nowhere in the end

It’s a race to find endorsements! Jane has Dirk helping her with her campaign, Roxy and Calliope (who are dating and nonbinary! Woo hoo!) choose to stay neutral

Jake is also like super famous and also has a reputation for sleeping around? Anyways both sides of this ~Political Intrigue~ know that getting his endorsement would basically entail victory

Jane invites him over and they end up making out until Jake gets nervous and leaves, its very weirdly sexually charged and does Nothing For This Meaty Story

Dave and Karkat manage to convince Jake to endorse Karkat; but during the endorsement speech, Jake suddenly blurts his love for Dirk Strider and starts endorsing Jane

Which leads to…

C PLOT: Dirk and Alt!Calliope are fighting over the narrative of the story

Dirk is also weirdly transphobic about Roxy

Rose is like… dying? And Dirk is trying to convince her to become her Ultimate Self or some shit??? This results in Dirk essentially kidnapping Rose and making Kanaya Freak Out

Dirk’s narrative control forces Jake to confess his love for Dirk and endorse Jane, so thats great

Dirk also tries to use his narrative control powers to force Dave and Karkat into confessing their love for each other, but Dave fights off his control and kisses Karkat on his OWN terms, which, if ignoring the weird Dirk shit, is actually pretty valid

This all ends with Dirk shrugging Jake off and taking Rose on a spaceship far away, prompting the rest of the cast to prepare a rescue mission

PRETTY WEIRD RIGHT?

WELL NOW ITS TIME FOOOOR

CANDY:

John decides not to go fix canon, Roxy gets really happy about this and almost immediately decides that they’re in love w him and starts dating him, Calliope is noticeably upset by this

(Also Roxy’s gender stuff isn’t rlly addressed in Candy but I’m just gonna stick with they/them)

Also Calliope insists that John bring Gamzee to Earth C. Gamzee is now here and no one is happy about it

There’s still weird stuff between Jade, Dave and Karkat, what with Jade still trying to get the three of them to date; this results in Jade dating Dave and Jade having a kismesis with Karkat, and Dave and Karkat not having a relationship despite the ~obvious love between them~. It’s repeatedly mentioned that the relationship dynamic is unhealthy. Nothing is done about it

SPEEEEEAAAAAAAKING OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

Jane goes to visit Jake and they get drunk and sleep together and then Jane manipulates him into a relationship? I’ve seen posts making Jake out to be the bad guy because of this

Anyways for some real fucked up shit uuuuh……………….Dirk commits suicide

GRAPHICALLY

Because John didn’t choose to do the plot important thing?

It’s fucked up as all hell

At the funeral, Roxy and John decide to get married

OH also this entire time John and Terezi have been in communication and John’s acting like its a scandalous thing? It’s weird

Also Gamzee somehow becomes Jane’s kismesis and its weird its fucking weird man I won’t get into it but i feel like half the trigger tags could apply to this relationship alone

Anyways Jane is still exhibiting fascist tendencies and is trying to moderate troll birthrate. Everyone but like Karkat and Kanaya (and Rose to an extent) act like this isnt a big deal

ANYWAYS THEN THERE’S KIDS

John and Roxy have a son named Harry Anderson Egbert

Jane and Jake have a son named Tavros (aka Tavros2)

Rose and Kanaya adopt a troll girl and name her Vriska (aka Vriska3) because FUUUUCK me

Jane and Gamzee are like… abusive towards Jake and Tavros2

Also Aradia shows up!!! She doesn’t do much regarding this bullshit plot but honestly thats the best possible outcome. She doesn’t deserve to get involved in all of this

John tries to kidnap Tavros2 to save him from Jane and Gamzee’s abuse, but gets caught and it all backfires and everyone hates John now

Also it’s implied that Terezi dies

TEN YEARS PASS

NOW HERE’S WHERE THINGS GET REAL FUCKED

Jane has decided that Trolls Have No Rights and is actively trying to stop them

Jane is basically the overlord of the world now and enforces like… curfews n shit

Karkat fucked off and is leading the Troll Rebellion and thats a bit metal I’ll give him that (he gets an eyepatch and everything)

Roxy and John have divorced by this point

Also various ghosts have been raining from the sky? That’s also happening

Also Harry Anderson and Vriska3 start a romantic relationship and HOLD ON A SECOND

Harry Anderson is Roxy’s kid and Vriska3 is Rose’s kid HELLO??? And don’t even argue “Oh but Vriska3 was adopted-” NO FUCK THAT HELLO???????

Civil war breaks out between the Trolls and basically everyone else who now works for Jane

Alive Vriska falls from the sky, immediately sees Gamzee and tries to kill him, he then tries to

Tries to

Tries to suck her toes

Shes wearign boots but hes lickin em

They then make out

I know I’m being really specific in this part but like you all have to understand that I had to read this with my own human eyes

Frankly I don’t entirely remember how Candy ends I basically blacked out after the above part happened

John reconciles with Roxy and Harry Anderson, Alive Vriska and Vriska3 chat and I end up liking Vriska3 more than i EVER liked actual Vriska. I think Dave dies??????

Sorry if this isn’t the best descriptor, I was kind of losing my mind as I wrote this because I still can’t wrap my head around ANY of these plot points

Imo I GUESS I hate Meat less because the John stuff was… okay for the most part. Also certain relationships and characters (like Dave+Karkat and Roxy+Calliope) were treated a bit better. But they’re both overall so, so bad

This honest to god feels like a Hate Letter written to the fanbase. Even if it was “intentionally bad”, that doesn’t make it good suddenly!! It was a spit in the face and a horrible experience and it honestly felt super pathetic. Hussie and his squad of incest-writing authors deserve the criticism this horrible epilogue will get them

[tongue-tied-ties]

I finally got through all 200,000 words of that freaking epilogue and GOD HAVE MERCY I SHOULD HAVE WENT CANDY AND THEN MEAT.

Overall though, I like it. I like it alot! I mean there are some things I feel weird about which like.......aren’t the things everyone else feels weird about apparently.

SPOILERS BELOWWWWW~!!!!

So it’s alot easier to get out of the way what I am weirded out about than to explain the many things I did like. 

- I feel weird about the xenophobia thing and how it’s being treated. Like it’s being treated like a huge issue but like non-issue all at once?? I guess that’s because from John’s perspective he’s just too busy being weirded out or suffering to truly get involved. Like I sincerely hope nobody on the team thinks standing by in a situation like this is a valid stance in any way. But it also happens in real life so like, I get it. I think this bothers me because these kids were heroes. But also they were heroes out of necessity and because they were main characters. Like that’s honestly it. They had a mission and fulfilled it and they were hailed as heroes.

- Hussie presenting xenophobia as both a joke and a serious issue and sometimes it’s hard to tell what position the comic is trying to take which makes me uncomfortable. 

- I think it’s in character, but I hate that Karkat alone had to defend himself every time Jane was being the #worstTM. I hate that Roxy just standing by knowing good and well these are the stakes every single time was never fully addressed. I wish somebody sat our beautiful bae Roxy to let them know that like this is shitty too?? Like you saying this is simply politics when a literal extinction is happening is shitty why didn’t anyone tell them that in stone cold, super serious terms for the love of GOD it bothered me so much. 

- Alright anytime Dirk used any sort of like reddit NiceGuy Are you triggeredTM 4-chan bullshit language it turned me all the way off. Like incel, beta, cuck?? Misgendering our void icon?? Yea. Cancelled but also not cancelled because I haven’t been this shook or excited over a villain in so long.

- Gamzee. Just...yikes all around. I’m not sure how I feel.

- JAKE DESERVED BETTER. HE REALLY FREAKING DID JUST SAYING. JAKE DIDNT DESERVE THIS MADNESS. Omfg i never hated anyone as much as I did Dirk when he snapped Jake’s psyche in half forcing him to love Dirk. It was so fucking iconic though and I’m still mad y’all. So many feelings. Oh god and when Jane like........did him wrong?? What le fuck? Jake i’ll be your friend, come here mate. Please let me hug my boi who I didn’t stan before but i stan now.

- Those kids.....I love those kids give them a good future, please. I’m begging hussie let John be a good father.

- I think the kids grew because they were with each other, and they fact they didn’t stay together and let each other be isolated kinda makes this make sense to me but it does feel like with some characters the growth went out the window. But also....people can regress especially if they stop after like one epiphany or whatever, so I see how this happened.

- Dave redirecting what should have been the core political issue (freaking extinction/controlled population of exclusively the trolls) to the economy every single time. Like Dave baby you were never the most racially sensitive dude (coming from a black girl who watched you say negrocity, call black people not shining shoes revolutionary (which could be read as irony in context but still) in the same rap, which, YIKES!) but like try please?? Hussie freaking fix this.

- I oddly feel weird about them getting rid of their flesh bodies for their ultimate forms and I’m not sure why but I honestly don’t want all bots. I can’t even explain that in a way that makes sense.

- Jade. Like....everything she did was a big yikes and honestly I’m reading the main story again to see if there was a character trait that led to her behavior. Cuz Dirk literally always had an overbearing personality and it was never truly addressed leading to what happened. Jane never really stopped with the whole business and control thing and she never really seemed to care for the trolls one way or another so I can kinda see it.

- Honestly?? I’m happy for the form of happiness that some characters had but MAN was it just the slowest most excruciating march towards that end. In candy, it felt like I was literally feeling John’s twilight-zone stir-crazy rise up in me as I read through. I think a “benefit” from reading Meat first is that like.....damn I ended up agreeing with Dirk. Like all of this shit was largely avoided and addressed sooner when Dirk was in charge and I hate/love that I’m saying this! Like what the hell y’all that's so brilliant to me. In Meat, I just.....wanted them to be free to make their own choices and when I was nearing the end in Candy, I realized they weren’t so damn isolated and I was happy that some of them finally got to heal.

To segue into I liked it starts on the same point my dislikes end.

 - I felt so frustrated by everything that was happening which.....dear God is great writing because if I was John feeling this for years instead of the solid day it took me to get through Candy I’d be handling it way worse than John. I almost wished that Dirk would come in and take charge because they were just.....fucking up on every level. With Meat, I wanted what was in Candy and I wanted them to have their fucking free will to choose instead of these awful circumstances Dirk forced them to be in.

- DAVE. DAVE. DAVE. Fuck I love dave just so much, he felt the most home to me the entire time. When he fought back in Meat to make his own choices I was so proud of him. When he decided to join the revolution I was proud of him, when he finally admitted he was gay I was proud of him. When he just existed and seriously thought about what he wanted and needed to work through he felt like he authentically was trying to figure himself out the entire time in both Meat and Candy and I was so proud of him. Honestly will always have my heart.

- NUBS MCSHOUTY. From awkward bottom to rebel leader he is just a breath of fresh air every time he speaks because it is always a freaking mood. LIke yes, the extinction of your people is awful and you should say it. Yes, people who stand by and just sidetrack the conversation into semantics is awful and you should freaking say it. Yes! Yes! Yes! omfg. YOU ABSOLUTE FREAKING ICON

- Dirk. I.....ugh I know this is controversial but I love everything that happened. Our Dear walking God complex becomes literal God and it all goes to hell. Our friend the control freak, controlling the narrative when he reaches his ultimate form. Ou dear Dirk who always needs something to fix horribly fixes the narrative. When he revealed himself and said “but you already know that don’t you” in his iconic yellow text color me FREAKIN SHOOK. Like literary reveal of the gods (specifically this god ha). Nothing will shake me the same holy shit I was horrified and the horror never stopped. Omfg shook Dirk just freaking shook. So since I read meat first I was like “holy cow was he always like this?” But like, the one dirk that was decent freaking killed himself with his last wish being for relevance and like.....of course he’s like this?? It’s Hal, Caliborn, ARDirk, Brain Ghost Dirk and Dirk One who honestly was only half decent most of the time. All of these pretentious beings in one? Oh yea edge lord self masturbatory train dead ahead. AND I LOVED IT, the absolute fear and horror as he took the narrative back from Calliope was horrifying, his increasing disdain after the reveal, the moment he forced Jake to fuck everything up for the resistance was ICONIC oh my god I was so here. I was loving it so much I was scared I was being controlled by Dirk.

- Jake was always passive and like.....it manifested so bad. I mean I thought he stepped up when he finally, defeated the felt crew but like....of course, one battle isn’t going to solve a lifetime of posing and passivity. I don’t know why I never considered the horrible implications. I do wish he grew a full spine in one of the epilogues.

- Regardless of how I perceived her in canon, Epilogue!Jane was never painted as a hero ever. THANK GOD cuz Epilogue Jane is doing some really bad stuff.

- Roxy - our voidey babe exploring their gender identity and deciding in both that they don’t care for their assignment in some way, valid. Having all stages of their identity and the stages respected (in what I viewed as a great and fully addressed way as a cis black girl) is surprisingly refreshing when I look at Roxy alone and not the transphobic stuff Dirk was doing which was icky and Caliborn-ish.

- Rose and Kanaya being happy in Candy. Like it seemed so OOC but Rose also was literally dealing with something that ENTIRE TIME. When she was little it was the alcoholism of her mother, when she was in paradox space it was from horror demons to literal death, to life-threatening situations to being the seer she needed, to her own substance problem etc etc. Being non-essential freed her from that and we got to witness her still be the badass, freedom fighter she became. And I just love the thing she chose without needing to, without absolute necessity, was to raise their daughter AND fully immerse themselves in troll revolution against an oppressive regime. Fuck yes Rose, you deserve some fucking peace without debilitation or circumstance. Rose in Meat shall never be spoken of because that is so so so sad honestly. She was dying and like...Dirk took advantage of that which is tactically freaking genius considering Rose is usually who can pull these dorks together into action but damn Dirk.

- Fuck you know what I’m gonna say it. Dirk is the best villain holy shit he is honestly, truly smart and manipulative and somehow charming in this sick sick way God I hate/love him right now. I’m.....omfg still shook.

- I honestly just loved how intertwined it is, how twilight-zone/gritty it felt. Every literary craving I didn’t know I was having was fed and in the best/worst way. I’m hooked and here for wherever this is going. Also, I typed it above and I’ll type it again. I didn’t realize it but these kids, while they ascended as Gods were not heroes. I don’t think the kids really cared about their denizens much ever in canon. They fulfilled their mission and we handed them the hero stamp because we’ve followed their story. They are simply people who had a mission to fulfill and did that mission in whatever capacity you choose. They are ultimately really flawed human beings who were traumatized to hell and back with no real devices on how to deal with it properly. Of course, when you give flawed humans God powers, a world to rule over and nobody really holding anyone accountable bad things are bound to happen. They grew because they were in a situation where they had to and they were removed too soon for them to keep that growth. Fanfic or not, canon or not, essential or not, I think these are valid outcomes, within the context of who they are.

[babyitsacrime]

1, 22, 23, and 43 for the OC asks.

First off, I apologize for my absolutely atrocious grammar here and also the fact that I just can’t seem to put things into words.

Secondly I wrote this in a different app and then copy pasted so the formatting is a little whack.

1. Your first OC ever?

Oh gosh this one is a little hard to answer. I think Natalia’s my first OC that I ever fully wrote well but me and my friends used to write a lot of stories/fanfiction in middle school so I have some characters from there too that might be older than Nat. Also there’s like three different versions of Nat (Quizup, Next Gen, and the Nat I have now) , and again the one I have right now is by far the most developed/closest to a whole character.

Okay but I talk about Nat a lot so even though I’m not sure which one actually came first I’ll talk about a character I had in the Homestuck fanfiction my friends and I wrote in middle school. (before you ask, yes it’s the 100 page one I’m pretty sure) (also I’m ignoring the self inserts me n my friends made for our other stories bc those don’t count as ocs and I refuse to accept them as characters dhdksjdjs) But basically she’s a troll named Ninmah Aurora. She was heavily based off of Kanaya Maryam, the iconic Homestuck vampire fashion designer lesbian character so that was interesting. And even though I didn’t actually write that much for her she’s one of my favorite characters because I had so much fun writing her with my friends. Anyways can’t believe I just exposed myself as a Homestuck stan on main but you know what it’s fine.

22. Is there any OC of yours that people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Okay there’s a couple and most of them are small things so I’ll just go by character.

Natalia -

let me just start by saying this: it still baffles me why y’all think she’s cool cshdjsj. She’s kinda a dumb bitch if I’m being honest. Like, don’t get me wrong, she’s super smart and could easily outwit me and honestly any of us, but she’s also plain stupid sometimes in other ways. But like, on the other side of the coin I feel like she almost doesn’t get taken seriously sometimes? I feel like that’s a little on me for usually making jokes at her expense but while she is clueless as to how people function she’s also not plain dumb. A lot of what she says and does is well calculated and even when she does something in the spur of the moment it’s always something logical to her. Hn I don’t know if I’m explaining this right but 🤷♀️. But basically she’s not really cool but also she’s not stupid. (Okay ig being good at Quidditch is pretty cool but that’s not my point)

Also I don’t know why but some people (very few people but it’s still annoying to me) seem to think that her being bi is a huge part of her personality when it’s really not. While she is bi, not everything she does is motivated by that fact if that makes any sense. Like for example, if she’s wearing be a rainbow dress it’s not because she’s (and I quote) "team gay" it’s because she liked the damn dress. Okay I’m rambling now but all I’m saying is that it kinda annoys me when people see her being bi as a hugely defining personality trait. Also she isn’t the only character I notice this happens to.

Ishaan -

Similarly to Nat, whole he does enjoy pranking and such, he’s actually a serious person most of the time. Think of him as more of like a serious and skeptical person who also has a good sense of humor. Although I will say that he does sometimes go out of his way to make a joke sometimes, that’s only sometimes and mostly just to annoy Priya.

Lysander -

Another case of the being gay isn’t his personality. Also??? He’s not gay??? I don’t really know where that came from (like I know who mentioned it to me but I have no clue where she got that from aside from just assuming?) for the record, he is also bi and has a slight preference for girls (mostly bc he likes having an s/o shorter than him but we won’t go into that rn). *slams fists on table* jUST BECAUSE HES FUNNY DOESNT MEAN HES THE TOKEN GAY FRIEND OKAY (okay okay I’m done ranting time to continue)

I also feel like his joking nature is often seen as a sign of him not being as a lack of intellect, but that is in no way true. While he isn’t a genius or anything, he’s a little smarter than average, yet still prone to making dumb decisions because he is still a child. But with more life experience he’ll make smarter decisions while still retaining a joking demeanor.

Priya -

I’m going to keep this one short, but she isn’t as cold and cruel as I sometimes make her seem when I talk about her. I feel like this one’s mostly on me but yeah, she’s a caring person for the most part, just a little misguided and/or dramatic at times.

~I think that’s all of them but I might be wrong? Also none of those explanations make a lot of sense I’m sorry 😔~

23. Introduce an OC that has changed from what your first idea considering what the character would be like.

*drags Nat out again* Here you go.

So I mentioned earlier that there’s like three different versions of her, but in all reality they almost feel like different characters with the same name. However I will say that Next Gen Nat and the Nat I have now (I like to call it her final form bc I think I’m finally happy with her) are similar in many many aspects. But I’ll talk about this Nat because I like her the best and she’s the only Nat I actively use. She was originally intended to be a lot colder/closed off than she is. (Think a lot closer to Aster, but I think pep also had a similar thing with him.) She just ended up becoming a lot softer and a little friendlier than I intended her to be. I’m not exactly unhappy with that though, I feel like this actually added a bit more dimension to her character and it actually gave me a little more room to improve her. It was also bound to happen anyways, especially with the characters she’s friends with/will be friends with. So yeah, it’s interesting and honestly I feel like I’m happy with the changes from what I originally intended her to be.

Hm while I’m here I guess I should also talk about Taemoon.

I don’t know that his personality changed much from my original intent, but his story and intent definitely did. He started as a character that exuded a lack of hope. I don’t know if that sentence makes a lot of sense, but he was originally going to have no chance at happiness in the end. He was supposed to let all of his anger and hurt consume him, making him hell bent on revenge, which would only push him further from anything that could make him happy, but I feel like the end of his story is a lot more hopeful now. I don’t know exactly what it is, but ever since pep asked if Jae Hong could adopt him Taemoon’s life story has become something a lot less disheartening. Now I’ve given him a lot more to live for, and a lot more to make him happy. First off, instead of being alone he now has a family that he quickly grows to trust, and a group of friends with similar experiences that basically become family as well. While he is still very revenge driven, he has a lot more to his life than just that; most importantly he has people he trusts that will keep him from becoming consumed by all of his anger. But yeah, he has become a much more hopeful character as a whole and honestly. I feel like that’s what I really needed. Idk about everyone else but I feel like changing his story to the way it is now really has helped me to feel a lot better in general.

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favor certain traits or looks?

Oh god it’s time to confess 😔🤙

So, as most of you have figured out, most of my ocs tend to be very attractive and very capable (and willing) to step on me. If they’re not that then they’re in the minority.

Aside from being physically attractive as a whole, I’d say that in regards to looks, the more they look like they haven’t slept in weeks and are ready to kill a man, the better. If not that, then it’s an oc that looks like I could cuddle with them for hours on end. There’s no in between.

As for traits I tend to favor, probably the most popular is a bad attitude. If you take a look at some of my most used and/or favorite characters, you’ll find that in most cases the snarkier the better. Honestly this is true of characters that aren’t even mine, I just really have a type. At the same time though, I like these characters to have a secret soft side even if it’s only for one other character they care about. On the flip side, I also like writing characters that are genuinely the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I don’t know why but I just love them so much they are truly my children.

Also. Characters that grin in the face of danger? *chefs kiss* I like characters where you question if what they’re doing is out of courage or a death wish. For this reason so many of my characters play some kind of dangerous sport or enjoy dueling, you get what I mean. This goes for both my Edgy™️ characters as well as my soft characters.

Additionally, I do have a lot of characters that are wealthy. Uh. I think that mostly speaks for itself so I’m not going to comment on it any further than this.

Also. Flowers. For some reason I go for faceclaims that eat flowers. It’s not even something I actively seek out??? Like I’ll find someone cute and I’ll be scrolling through pictures and there they are. Eating a flower. This mostly goes for my guy fcs but yeah. Idk how it happens but it just does and I’ve come to accept it.

[nekogal89]

I had more thoughts on the epilogue, specifically the candy route.

So...I have seen a lot of people theorising that this entire thing has been a parody of fanfiction. And to some extent, yeah. But I had a different idea on why everything is the way it is. 

It starts with Dirk’s death. 

The reson Dirk kills himself as given, is due to not seeing a place for himself in this new universe. There’s going to be no challenge, nothing to push himself for, no satisfaction. Everything is going to come easy. Which ends up kind of the Candy Route in a nutshell, and it’s not until those issues start to come up that people can really start getting to a healthy point.

EVERYTHING comes too easy. Whatever the characters want, they get. And when you have multiple characters with different interests and wants, then that causes problems. Jane wants to help run everything, and despite not really becoming president, she gets all the power she wants, she gets to enact all the whims that come to her. She wants Jake? She gets Jake, and all his agency in the situation is taken away from him. And Jake doesn’t get what he wants, actual freedom from everyone manipulating him, until she’s done with her fun.

Jade wants to sleep with Dave and Karkat, and she gets it. They just fall in line with what she wants, no matter how much they resent it. Sure, there’s some token not really resistance at the start, but they ultimately have to abide by the candy universes laws of “You always get what you want.” It’s not until Karkat, in a final fit of everyone elses will getting enforced on him, pushes for what HE wants, that Jade’s bad actions kind of not really get back.  John wants Roxy. He gets Roxy. A lot of people talk about how they hate how Roxy became OOC in the candy route, and I hated it to. I still do. But ultimately, what choice did he have? Roxy has a bad history of both impulse and trying to make the people he loves happy, and impulsively going with what you want is a death trap in a universe designed to give it to you. He wants to get married, he literally gets married off screen. He wants a baby, look, there’s his baby. It’s not until John’s depression stops exerting him exerting his will that Roxy gets to be himself again. Even then, things like his gender dysphoria, his feelings about the gender binary and how they affect him get an easy, not satisfying conclusion, because thats what the candy universe gives people. The only pair that gets anything really remotely “Happy” is Rose and Kanaya. And even Rose’s happiness seems to be based on not having to feel the need to push for and against absolutely everything anymore. She has enough conflict to keep her natural need for strife in check with the war, but she thinks about wanting to adopt a grub, she and Kanaya adopt a grub. A grub who grows up to be the exact kind of difficult, rebellious teenager she would be proud to call her daughter.  In a way, even we, the fandom, get it, and this why why I’m saying that, yeah, the whole “Parody of fandom fluff” thing is still pretty valid with what I’m theorising. People wanted to know what happens with Vriska? We got her. We get her out of goddamn no where, and she is angry. We wanted characters like Gamzee to get a redemption ark? He got it, and we have to deal with what happens when someone who’s entire scthick is corruption gets to have actual power over people through his “Redemption” cult. It all came easy, and thus there’s no satisfaction to it. So...What does this mean for the meat timeline? If the Candy timeline is everything coming too easy, then that means the Meat timeline is everything being far too hard? Well...yeah. People still make similar mistakes based on their conflicting desires. But they don’t just ‘get’ them. Jane tries to have Jake, with or without his real consent [urgh], but it doesn’t work, because it’s not as easy as plying him with alcohol and oh what is that a juju why mister english if you insist. Jade doesn’t just get Karkat and Dave, because instead of being two, in Candy timeline’s words, “Loser virgins in their basement” [again, urgh], Dave finds a cause to really rally behind. Karkat doesn’t get to become an awesome leader, because it’s too hard for him. And ultimately, a universe where things are given to you for little to nothing does fit Karkat a lot easier than a universe where you have to fight tooth and nail for literally everything. [I love Karkat, but his failure knight tendancies and being brought down by his own self loahting, almost define him at this point]. And Roxy. Without having to just please people, and without his impulses just getting rewarded, he gets to actually take a look at himself and work out who he is. It is as difficult as the narrative has space to show, and even unknowingly he gets treated like shit by the guy who, 1) is supposed to be his best friend, and 2) if it wasn’t for everything it was going the way it was would probably understand better than anyone. But he gets it, and it’s so much more satisfying than the easy solution the candy timeline gave. Which brings us back full circle to the man who started it all. Dirk Strider. The man who thrives most in situations where nothing is just given. We have the whole metanarrative of all the different splinters of Dirk coming together, meaning he gains Bro’s manipulations, Doc Scratches fourth wall awareness, and even Lord English’s utter contempt for anyone he considers beneath himself. But he is still in an enviroment where he has to fight against everyone and everything to achieve his goal, and it is perfect for him. Does this make his actions okay? No. No it does not. Does this make it any better for the people who associate with Dirk like I associate with Vriska? Definitely not. In fact, as far as everything goes, maybe it makes it worse.  But when I see everything in the context of no challenge versus as much challenge as possible...it makes things better. Or maybe I’m a dumb bitch trying to find meaning in the webcomic I’ve spent a decade of my life on having a painful as all hell ending.

[wakraya]

Alright, let me put a few points of stuff I’ve seen on the tags to rest here.

1) Jades Are A Rare Caste.

They are implied to be less plentiful than other castes, yeah, I believe Seadwellers are also rare? But here’s the thing- We have six Jades. When someone says “There’s twice as many Jades as we have Rusts or Bronzes”, it sounds like, shit, yeah weren’t they supposed to be less abundant? Except. They’re still, in total, just Six. Alternia is a planet. Lore-wise, they may be a less plentiful Caste, but they’re not even... In the double digits. This is not even the population of a neighborhood, Xefros’ suburban area likely had more Trolls in total than there are Trolls in this Troll Call, and besides it’s likely all Jades are in the same place for some reason- Jadeblood School is the biggest headcanon right now, for example, so... Why wouldn’t you have a bunch of Jades there?

2) Jades Are All Female.

This is a straight-up misconception, yeah they’re mostly girls, but canon still leaves room for Jadeblood boys. So Male Jadeblood? Yeah, can happen, and there’s nothing going against the canon here.

3) Trolls Have No Concept Of Gender.

This one is honestly baffling to me because I haven’t heard about this until the discourse today. I am assuming this comes from the fact Troll Reproduction doesn’t care who provides the genetic material? Their reproduction is not tied to gender, which has made people assume Troll junk is the same for both guys and gals. Except... That’s about it. Even though it’s silly because they’re bugs and implied to be hermaphroditic, they still show sexual dimorphism. And even if they didn’t, they still have a concept of Gender, merely based on the fact there’s Troll Boys and Troll Girls? He/She divide? With Hiveswap expanding on it and showing us there are, indeed, NB Trolls that prefer They/Them. This Gender Divide is actually talked about by Porrim, who also implies that while Fuchsia-down Alternia seemed a Matriarchy, Purple-down it was actually a Patriarchy, informing us that not ONLY is there sexual dimorphism, but also, a cultural divide. By saying that Lanque can’t be Trans because Trolls have no concept of Gender, you’re either mistaking headcanons for actual canon... Or being transphobic by equating genitalia to gender. In which case, fuck off.

4) Trolls Don’t Care About Fashion.

This is something Karkat says, and I believe Kanaya also implies she cares about it more than it’s usual? But Fashion in Troll Culture, seems to be exactly like Mail. Karkat mentions there’s no Mail they do not get a Mailbox with a Flag, yet we see Xefros get mail! Except it’s not Mail. It’s parachuted delivery straight from a website. There’s no standarized Mail system on Alternia, but that doesn’t mean companies can’t deliver things themselves, directly to their Hives. Similarly, Trolls have no concept of Fashion- They don’t care about things such as trends, variety, being dressed properly. And... Hiveswap doesn’t break this. They have more colorful clothes, and some look pretty good! But. Look at Cirava. They’re an absolute fashion disaster. Diemen is just dressed like a hot dog. The Jades all seem to wear uniforms of some sort. Fozzer and Marsti, Skylla, they are more akin to work clothes. The Soleil Twins and Marvus are more flashy, because they’re likely part of a spectacle. Most of them are either a sort of uniform or outfit that’ll fit whatever they’re doing, or a basic color with their symbol somewhere. And you can go from Bright Pink Bathrobe Stelsa, to Pirate-Clad Remele, and back to Punk Denim Elwurd. Not being Fashionable can be about trends, they may simply dress however they want, because of their interests, or their jobs.

But let’s think about this another way. Let’s say that, yeah, they did retcon Troll Fashion- Would... Would you really be mad if they retconned Troll Fashion. Like... Would you be happier if every Troll shown was wearing a plain black shirt with their Symbol, and pants or a skirt, with slight variations of a jacket or a tank top. I don’t think there’s a single Hiveswap design I dislike, and they’re all visibly varied and easily recognizable, and tell a lot about the character, which is like. Character Design 101? So I honestly don’t know what the complaint here is exactly, except Canon Purity.

5) Hiveswap Ruined Fantroll Variety

How. First of all, the entire previous point. Just, expanding upon basic Troll Clothes, showing us the extent of how Trolls dress. But also like... What did they limit exactly? We’re going to learn more about Trolls and Troll Culture and Biology, of course headcanons are going to clash with canon, but so far, what have they limited? I’ve heard about Horns, but like... These horns have all been so varied, and sure there’s stuff like hooks with Ceruleans and Jades, and Four Horns with Golds but... This pattern is also broken, with Azdaja having three, for example. We’ve seen new Psionic colors, we’ve seen stuff like Horn Piercing, we’ve seen Troll Twins, we have seen horns where the orange part starts at different heights than you’d expect and even some of the parts jutting out having their own red-orange-yellow coloration separate of the main shaft of the horn. If anything, until now, there’s always been headcanons for Horns, like, “Oh this is their symbol so it’ll be like this”, or “this is their caste, so, they’ll have big horns”, but no, we have Purples with small horns, we have Bronzes with curly horns downwards, we have a cerulean with super uneven horns, we have a gold with three horns, we have a teal with flat horns, we have rounded horns, we have hotdog horns. I’ve heard people wonder about some Horn Shapes in the prior weeks, about how they didn’t match their restrictive headcanons, and NOW you tell me they’re restrictive? There’s also been complaints about caste roles and stereotypes, and I feel people really forget that Alternia is a Tyranny that forces the inhabitants in roles they are most likely not happy with, specially for the lower castes. Like... Rusts are disposable, and likely to be bound to a life of servitude. Because they’re the lowest of the low, society treats them as such, and there’s stereotypes like Indigos being strong, but that’s not any more restrictive than Psionics being a Gold-only thing, and much like we see Zebede not having Psionics or Elwurd and Mallek having normal eyes to every other cerulean’s messed-up ones... There’s exceptions to the rule everywhere. There have always been.

I’ve also seen complaints about no mutant bloods or things like Albinism and such? And like... The fact they didn’t include it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We actually got Freckles with Zebede, so it already implies skin conditions are a thing, so Albinism could happen, if anything we have more PROOF that it may be a thing! Complaining about a lack of Limebloods and Violets, too, is just nitpicking, we know there will be Violets eventually, but either we haven’t been shown right now, or they’re just. In the sea. And we’re in the land. And Limes are likely to be a plot point, I’m expecting at least ONE Lime (Fiamet), if not more to show up at some point, and if there’s NO Limebloods I’m sure there will be at least talk OF Limebloods and their whole, you know, extermination, which is a canon thing that happened.

6) The Game’s Representation Is Bad Representation

Listen... Listen. I have friends ecstatic that there’s at LEAST three non-cis characters in Hiveswap (One trans boy, two NBs), without counting the possibility of other characters being Trans (Pretty much anyone could be), or NB (Like, I think about half of the characters don’t have pronouns on their bullet points?), not to mention, further acts with new characters. Hell, even Xefros or Dammek or Joey could be Trans. We. Literally know nothing about these characters, our information is so limited, and yet there’s already people cheering about it and super happy to see representation and I’ve seen one person in the tag encouraged to come out because Lanque is Trans. There’s also at least two Jewish Trolls, plus the possibility of Kanaya being Jewish as well, either her, Rose, or both. And yet, even though they have simply said this, in good faith, respectfully, and trying to add diversity to their roster, and even though we literally know NOTHING of how it’ll be handled yet, you... Bash them for it?

Like, okay. Lanque. The big topic today. He’s not particularly masculine, but as has surely been repeated over and over and over again, not all trans men are masculine, and not all trans people suffer dysphoria. And yeah, it’s true! It would be nice if there was a more masculine trans man! It would be great if there were trans girls! It would be great if there were more diversely coded NB characters! And there may be?? There’s going to be more characters, if not in this Act, in future Acts, and of the ones we’ve seen, many of them could still be NB or Trans. Like... Again. We’ve got three bullet points from each character. Like, I’m sorry you didn’t get a trans character that you could identify better with yet? But that doesn’t mean you have to bash the one we got? When there are people genuinely happy and encouraged about it? You’re not being progressive. You’re being an elitist asshole, if you only accept 100% perfect representation suited to your tastes, and everything else is garbage, or god help me, ‘fetishization’ or ‘disgusting’ (I have heard both on the Tags), like seriously. You’re being the oppressive one. You’re the one making representation harder than it should be.

Oh and if you’re on the OPPOSITE side of the spectrum and simply being Transphobic or saying how all of this is ‘pandering’ to the audience, really I have nothing to say, if you cannot have basic empathy for a group of people finding representation in a game which source material is extremely queer, and have to resort to bashing it down, screw you.

7) WhatPumpkin Are Doing A Bad Job

This is your subjective opinion, and I’d dare to say, a wrong opinion, but let’s not go there for now. WP has suffered a lot of hate for some reason? There have been lies and slander and bashing for absolutely no reason. People hate Cohen for some reason, and have demonized him, when so far what I’ve seen about him is that he’s a pretty chill dude. The writing of Hiveswap wasn’t like, a masterpiece? But it was fun and it got a good bunch of chuckles out of me and made me care for the characters, and even got me a bit scared and sad at some points during the game! It has that Homestuck Spark, and if you say ‘it’s not like Homestuck’, you’re... I’m sorry, you’re just an elitist, or simply don’t like the style anymore? But it carries a very similar charm.

I’ve heard complaints about Hussie not being involved in the project- Which is false, he did write the entire story FIRST THING, and is overseeing the whole project with the rest of the team. There’s also been criticism towards WP ‘failing’ at representation (Before actually seeing the representation apparently, again, we know NOTHING about the game and how it’ll handle stuff so far), and also accusing WP and Cohen specifically of adding representation because of Woke Points and like... WP are Queer as Heck? I don’t know all of them, I don’t even know how many people are working at WP. But they’re not all straight 100% for sure, and I believe they’re not all cis- And even if they ARE all cis, I also doubt a group working on such a Queer game would NOT hear out from Trans friends. What I’m trying to say, is that they haven’t shown at any point disrespect of ignorance regarding the diversity they want to tackle, they’re not doing things out of bad faith, and we haven’t seen how they handle it yet. Even if they didn’t handle it ideally! Does it need to be absolutely perfect, there can be missteps on the way there, god dammit if someone’s trying to better themselves but not quite getting it right you don’t insult them and tear them down! You show them what to do better next time or where they are mistaken, by pessimistically ignoring what they’re trying to do out of spite you’re discouraging good will and being an asshole! Which leads me to my last point for now.

8) They Could Have Told Us We Were Misgendering Lanque

This one is... Really, a bit ridiculous. Okay, let me explain. If someone is Trans and you misgender them accidentally, they’ll tell you quickly and you’ll, hopefully, correct yourself. Obviously. When the Trolls leaked, everyone latched onto Lanque as ‘Butch Lesbian’, and clung to that hope, and now that they were proven wrong, there was salt, at first, and THEN came the talk about Misgendering Lanque. And let me tell you, I think this is very selfish of everyone saying it.

What WP likely thought would happen is that they’d reveal Lanque to be a Trans boy, and people would be like “Oh! Nice, Trans Rep!”. Sure they could’ve told us back then but... Why? Lanque is not. A real person. He’s a fictional character, he’s not going to be offended because you thought he was a butch woman for a few months, in fact the SILHOUETTE alone ALREADY had people clinging to him as a butch woman. If he were a real person? Of course there’d be a quick correction. But he’s. A character. He’s just a god damn character. Who is Trans, out of good faith by a very Queer company, showing us a Trans man, who is a character, and expecting that, like NORMAL PEOPLE, we would not do something like THIS.

When you criticize WP for not telling us Lanque was a Trans Man, all I’m seeing is a shift of blame, not wanting to simply admit you were wrong and jumped to conclusions, and like- Even if there was Fanart or Fanfic of Lanque calling him a woman briefly, shipping him around mistakenly, who cares? You just. Go. “Okay, I’ll change it” or “Whoops haha this was from when we didn’t know he was a Trans boy!” Why the militant hatred? Why the absolute disgust shown today? I can’t understand, I simply cannot understand why your first reaction to “Trans boy Jadeblood” is “WELL I THOUGHT HE WAS A BUTCH LESBIAN!! I WASN’T WRONG BY ASSUMING THIS, WHATPUMPKIN WERE FOR TRYING TO MAKE THEIR GAME MORE DIVERSE”. It’s like... You just. Correct it? You just correct yourself? And yeah you can want more masculine Trans boys, that’s fair! But dismissing what we got, entirely, and insulting it, and getting like THIS, and blaming the team, it just seems.

Narcissistic. It seems narcissistic and extremely self-centered, and perfectionist to the extreme of not wanting anything other than a complete and absolute ideal, that may fit you but may also not fit others.

In conclusion?

People are happy about representation. This isn’t destroying diversity or representation, this is not reducing customization of Fantrolls, this is only building MORE on the already expansive system, and giving us representation and hope for MORE representation in the future, and if you cannot be happy for a genuine, good natured, and honestly, perfectly fine attempt, if you cannot feel empathy for the people who did feel for this representation, if you can only want to find reasons to bash something down and demonize something good and point out how BAD and NOT GOOD things are and how MUCH BETTER they could be, then honestly, you’re a deeply unpleasant person.

Give things time. Give people with good intentions chances. Learn to backpedal and learn from mistakes and simply correct yourself when you’re wrong instead of going down a hateful spiral. Learn to separate fiction and reality. Just like... Think, for a moment, when you’re writing something down- Is it a jaded opinion, or an objective fact? Will it hurt and discourage people who’re genuinely happy or trying to make others happy? Why do more harm than good when there are good intentions paving the way?

I just simply cannot understand the basic lack of critical thought and empathy of some people I have seen today, and hopefully with this I can make my opinion on the whole absurd Discourse that transpired today clear.

[carmineclock]

Trace 11:30 AM

> Oh boy. Sure, news started to get around. Even one of your bosses got wind of it. That mixed with a wonder hangover and none of the adrenaline and euphoria of the previous day.. feels bad, man. You're cuddled up somewhere with your moirail, groaning loudly as you put your phone down. "Man, I'm probably in trouble." Sure, you could just keep pretending to not know anything, but that's probably gonna come biting you in the ass in one way or another.

Nepeta 7:32 PM

> You are perfectly content starting the new year by cuddling your...your fiancé? Wow. That's gay as hell. You don't think too much of it when he says he's in trouble just yet and simply kiss his nose. "Drank that much? I mean, me too. Not a party without, right?"

Trace 8:28 PM

"If only." > You drag a hand over your face, then bury your face somewhere into her side. Make this quick and painless, you think, and yet it takes you at least another minute to continue. "I killed Droog's daughter" you just say drily. You feel... accomplished. But not really proud. Definitely not a matter for celebrations, not only because it's an awful and dirty job, but also because you can sense a big mess still waiting for you to deal with.

Nepeta 8:34 PM

> You busy yourself with petting his head in the meantime. There, there. Must be one killer head ache. Maybe he got into some embarrassing shit while you weren't looking? Can't be too bad right? > Your hand immediately stops moving when he does finally speak up. "Haha... You what? That's a shitty joke to start the new year off with Trace." > Your short nervous laugh sounds almost hysterical in your ears. He didn't. He wouldn't. That's outrageously stupid. He would have told you.

Trace 8:38 PM

> You try to force a grin, but you're not really feeling it right now. "Not a joke." > Well, she doesn't seem very thrilled right off the bat, which is actually part of the reason you didn't tell her about any of this beforehand.

Nepeta 9:11 PM

> It's at that point that you gently push him off you to get a look at his face. "When? How? Why?" > Not thrilled doesn't even begin to cover it. You aren't quite sure if you are angry or sad. Betrayed? All of these? None? You want more facts before you start screaming.

Trace 9:41 PM

> When she pulls away, your heart sink. You sit up, a frown on your face. "Yesterday evening. Because Droog overstepped the mark one too many times." > You partially did this for her. Because of her. But you never really expected any gratitude. Yet, her reaction has you worried.

Nepeta 10:04 PM

"Which daughter did you kill?" > You know Droog has two daughters. You have to admit, you'd care a lot less about Kanayas possible death. You'd still be upset at him but..... He knows damn well that Aradia is close with your boyfriend. That only makes it worse.

Trace 10:42 PM

> Well, frankly, her boyfriend being so close with Crew was gonna be an issue sooner or later anyway. That's why dating anyone involved with them is a terrible idea LOOKING AT ALL OF YOU OTHER FELTS. "The sheep one. Aradia. She was expecting an early death already anyway."

Nepeta 10:57 PM

> HE'S NOT CREW THOUGH TRACE. Not yet. "Why. Do you...You realize what this means right? And you didn't...You didn't even tell me you were going to do this shit? You didn't even let me try to help.  You didn't...That's the whole point of being your Moirail and you didn't even tell me." > Your voice just keeps getting louder until you just sob.  That is not how you imagined to start the new year with your fiancé.

Trace 11:06 PM

> Oh. Oh no. This makes you feel worse than anything Scratch or anyone else might have in store for you. "Because it should have never involved you. I.. D- don't cry, please.." > You just sit there. Should you hug her? You want to, but.. you're kind of the reason why. Fuck.

Nepeta 11:44 PM

"But it does involve me! Of course it involves me! You did this because of me! Even if you didn't... I'm your Moirail. You should let me try to calm you down before you start a fucking gang war for me. Before you kill my boyfriend's Moirail for me. Before...Fuck! Fuck Trace! Why?"

Trace 11:52 PM

> You're honestly at a loss of words. This... this is not how this was supposed to go. At all. You didn't want to upset her, especially not that much. You open and close your mouth a few times to respond before you can get anything out. What are you even supposed to say. Sorry? That doesn't really feel right. "That's not what I wanted- I didn't think- I..."

January 3, 2019

Nepeta 12:06 AM

"Yeah. Yeah, you didn't think did you? Not even for a second, to consider my feelings. To consider talking to me. To consider trusting me." > You are still crying but you definitely switched to anger at this point. He really didn't think about you for a second, did he?

Trace 12:12 AM

"I- I did, but- fuck, I'm sorry." You can't help the tears at this point either. You deserve this, you know it. Obviously. But she didn't. Good job, Trace. You knew this was a stupid plan, but you've apparently been too blind with hate to realize just how stupid.

Nepeta 1:08 AM

"No you didn't. You thought about revenge. You thought about Droog. You did. Not. Think about me." > Yo take a deep breathe and wipe your tears away. Calm down. Don't yell now. "What was even the  point of proposing to me when you go and do shit like this behind my back? You kept this from me on purpose. There's going to be war Trace, and you didn't even tell me. Did you..Did you really think I'd be happy about this? Do you know so little about me?"

Trace 1:25 AM

> You run a hand up over your face and hair where you claw into your scalp. Just. Frustrated and desperate. You shut your eyes, to keep the tears inside, but also because you can't face her any longer. God, Trace, you idiot. "No, I... I knew you wouldn't, that's why.." you barely get out. "I fucked up. I know."

Nepeta 1:32 AM

"Then how? How can you dare to tell me this was for ME?" > You can't remember the last time you feel this betrayed.  Maybe it's a first. You've been mad at Trace before but this? This is something else. "What's the whole point of our relationship if you do shit like this Trace? Please? Please tell me."

Trace 1:42 AM

> Suddenly you're filled with fear. Is she- is she really doubting your relationship over this? "I- I love you.. and you never fail to make me feel better.." But you failed her, obviously. "Nepeta, please.." You choke and your voice cracks. "I'm.. I'm sorry."

Nepeta 1:49 AM

"No. No I obviously DO fail to make you feel better. If I didn't, you wouldn't have kept this from me. I would have talked you out of this, and we wouldn't be here." > He looks so pathetic. He regrets it, you can see that. But..That doesn't mean you can just forget this. It hurts you to see him like this, but even more so it makes you angry. You could have easily avoided this Trace. "A sorry isn't fixing this. Three hundred sorrys aren't fixing this. Just. Just go okay? And...And take these." > With that you throw your rings at him. A bit dramatic, but you can't bear looking at them right now. "Give them back to me when you really trust me. Then we can talk about marriage."

Trace 2:08 AM

> That hits you like a truck. Telling you to get out, sure, you had that coming. The rings - that utterly shatters your heart. Not just yours, Fin's too. Great, you didn't just ruin your own relationship, huh. > With shaky hands you collect the me rings, then hastily make your way out the door without another word, before you break down right there. Fuck. Fuck all of this. Fuck Droog. And especially fuck yourself. Fucking idiot. You retreat into your own room where you let everything out - cry, punch and muffle yourself in a pillow. You need a good while to calm down before you can spend even a single thought on how to do damage control for this whole thing. You're probably not gonna have the heart to tell Fin about the rings for now, either.

[corvid-knight]

Yellow Nail Polish

Karkat paints Dave's nails.

"How about this one?" You hold up a bottle of painfully bright yellow polish, grinning at him. "Maybe with some red and blue. Sollux'd love it. "

"Sollux doesn't give a shit about what my claws look like, and you know it." He rolls his eyes, tossing the paper towel he's been working on his nails with down and leaning over to take the bottle out of your hand. "How about this—I paint mine this color, and you let me do yours?"

(Read it on ao3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14072028)

You've seen Karkat paint his nails before. He does it every week; the chemical scent of nail polish in the main room would be one way for you to define the passage of time if you weren't already a Time player. So it's not a new thing, the fact that he's sitting on the floor by the couch, scrubbing at his nails (well, on a troll they're more like claws, crow's talons, something like that) as he tries to get last week's sky blue off, expose the bright red natural color underneath.

Your decision to sit down next to him and start digging through the box of nail polish, though? That's kinda new. You haven't done it before, anyway; nail polish isn't a thing that you really go for.

(That's definitely not because of the memory of when you were like eight and you thought your nails would look awesome if you filled them in with a red sharpie. Not because of the memory of how pissed Bro was about that.)

"So what's the color of choice today, dude? Pink? Green? Red?"

Karkat spares you one glance, equal parts annoyed and amused. "Fuck off, Strider."

"Nah. How about this one?" You hold up a bottle of painfully bright yellow polish, grinning at him. "Maybe with some red and blue. Sollux'd love it. "

"Sollux doesn't give a shit about what my claws look like, and you know it." He rolls his eyes, tossing the paper towel he's been working on his nails with down and leaning over to take the bottle out of your hand. "How about this—I paint mine this color, and you let me do yours?"

"Uh..." Shit. The idea of having him focused on you, fixing your nails, just paying that much attention to you, that sounds awesome. The idea of actually painting your nails just sounds like a shortcut to another fucking mental crisis. You can just imagine the moment that Rose notices them and says something that's probably meant to sound pretty nice, a compliment that isn't really meant to be double-edged or cutting or anything, but you're gonna fucking grin and say something stupid back and then go try to scrape your goddamn nails off just so you don't have to think about the fact that you let him paint your nails, like a fucking girl, like you're gay, like—

"Fuck, Dave, I didn't think that was a question you needed to fucking ponder." Karkat huffs, unscrewing the bottle and starting on his left hand, quickly coating each claw without looking up at you. "You don't have to do it."

"Yeah." But he's already painting his claws yellow. Filling his half the bargain. "I just—"

You have no fucking clue how to explain how you both want him to paint your nails but also just know that painting your nails is something you're not allowed to do. It's something you can't do, not really, every-fucking-body knows that normal guys don't paint their nails. But you can't just say that to him, because Karkat's just going to look blankly confused and then point out that yes, he paints his nails, Gamzee does, Eridan did, and they're normal, he's normal, right?

Right?

God, culture gap is gonna kill you, isn't it?

"I wanna match you," you say, finally, watching him finish his right hand and go back to do a second coat on the left. "Plus, Terezi doesn't like yellow all that much, right? Oughta give me a nice shield against her for a couple days."

Yeah, act like it's got a purpose beyond wanting attention and—and the maybe-gay shit that you don't know if you want to think about right now. That'll help.

"It'll keep her from slobbering all over your hands, yeah." Karkat nods, still focused on his own claws, then jerks his head at the bottle of nail polish remover. "Wipe your nails down with that, okay?"

"Yeah." You nod back, and grab for the bottle.

Nail polish remover is cold and feels weird as fuck on your hands, but you were kind of ready for that. Not like you haven't handled this stuff before, after all; it's really helpful for getting sharpie off things. Like skin. Means you don't have to live with dicks on your arms until they wear off.

By the time you put the cap back on the bottle, Karkat's watching you, waiting for you to hold out a hand for him. Which you do. With absolutely no hesitation. Not even a little.

Okay, maybe a little, because Karkat raises an eyebrow. "You know it comes off, right?" he asks gently. "I don't get why you're freaking out—"

"Who's freaking out? Not me. I'm fine, man, totally chill—"

"You're such a fucking liar."

"Nah. You gonna put that on me or not?"

He just grumbles, scowling at you in a way that you easily read as concern before nodding. "Fine."

You watch him stroke the brush across the nail on your index finger. Then you decide that you do not, in fact, want to watch this process, and watch him instead.

Shit, he's adorable when he's focused on something. Just completely zoned in, teeth worrying gently at his lower lip, giving his head an occasional tiny shake to get his hair out of his face. He's about due for a haircut, actually; you'll ask him about it maybe tomorrow. It'll take another couple days to talk him into letting you anywhere near his head with scissors, of course; maybe you'll ask Kanaya to offer to do it. Not that he'll let her, of course; Karkat told you last time that you gave him a haircut that he doesn't want anyone he's not in a quadrant with getting that close to him with sharp objects.

You guess maybe he made an exception for you. You're only kind of in any kind of relationship with him, even if you take into account the whole moirail thing. Still—

Karkat surprises you by looking up and meeting your eyes—at this distance, he can probably see right through your shades, actually see your eyes. He just stares for a second, then shakes his head, smiling reluctantly as he screws the top back on the bottle. "Guess what."

"My nails look rad?" They actually do, you realize as you look down at them. The yellow looks brighter against your skin than it does against Karkat's grey skin. Neat.

"Yeah, that too. You're fucking up my quadrants again, asshole."

He's started making a habit of telling you that, whenever you do something that's not normal-troll-policy, when you manage to blur the lines between black, pale, and red. Half the time you don't have a fucking clue how you did it. Right now, though? It's got to be because you're both annoying him during his routine, and doing something that probably counts as bonding shit.

"Black and pale?" you guess, but he's shaking his head at the first word.

"Pale and red."

"Uh." Wait, red? "Why red?"

Karkat shrugs, considering his answer for a moment. "You're looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"That. Fucking red as hell." He examines his own nails, glancing up at you and frowning as he figures out that you're obviously a little conflicted about the fact your, uh...well, shit, you don't know what to call it, but it's definitely showing.

(Crush. It's a fucking crush. You like him, and this isn't really anything new, and maybe he knows it, but you're really uncomfortable thinking about it right now.)

"So...pale?" you ask, just to get him to define that too.

"Oh." Thank god Karkat's willing to get off the subject. "Claws and horns, taking care of them, that's a thing you do with your moirail. You can do it with other quadrants—hell, you can let your friends groom you if you want—but handling this shit is something moirails do to destress." He picks your hand up, turning it to check out your new lemon-yellow manicure and comparing it to his own. "Of course, if it doesn't work like that for you, we can put 'painting Dave's nails' on the shit list."

"Uh." The shit list is an actual thing that exists. It's written in orange sharpie, with maybe ten items on it so far. It's things that can upset either you or Karkat, things that you're both careful not to make the other do. Mostly it's a list of movies that've made either you or him panic. "Uh...leave it off the shit list. I'm okay."

"You're sure?" The scowl he aims at you would be worrisome if you didn't know him so well.

"Yeah, I'm sure." You spread your fingers out and look down at your nails. They do look good, even as short as they are. "...I like this."

"Cool. Want me to put a clear coat on? It'll make it stay longer."

"Nah. Gotta give you incentive to do 'em again next time, right?" Plus, if you do end up needing the polish off right fucking now at some point, it'll be easier to do if there's not clear over it. You think. "Hey, Karkat?"

"Yeah?"

"Do I get to do yours next time?"

He sighs, loud and obviously overdramatic. "I guess. But if you fuck up, you have to listen to me tell you how to do it properly and fix it."

"Fair enough."

You wonder what Rose is going to have to say about your nails.

Whatever it is, you guess you can handle it. Karkat's grinning as he shoves the polishes you pulled out back into their box, and for that you can get around your stupid leftover bad thoughts.

And your nails do look very nice.

[bemyfamilyornot]

DAVE: jade?

KANAYA: Took You Long Enough To Wake Up

KANAYA: Your Body Seems To Be Just Fine

KANAYA: As Far As I Can Tell

KANAYA: The Front Door Was Closed

KANAYA: So I Came Through The Window

KANAYA: If I Had Intended Any Harm I Would Have Done So Before You Woke Up

KANAYA: No Need To Be So On Guard

KANAYA: Call Me Kanaya

KANAYA: It Is My Name

DAVE: (whos this douchebag)

DAVE: (what the fucks her deal)

DAVE: (is she… human?)

DAVE: (or)

DAVE: …

DAVE: who are you

KANAYA: I Know The Demon Who Took Your Arm

KANAYA: That Demon

KANAYA: Absorbed The Yamato Which Was Sleeping In Your Right Arm

KANAYA: Gaining Incredible Power

KANAYA: Right Now Roxy Is Heading Towards That Demon

DAVE: and why the hell do you know that

KANAYA: …I Am A Devil Hunter

KANAYA: I Have Been Chasing That Demon For A Long Time

KANAYA: Which Is How I Learnt About Your Right Arm Too

KANAYA: I Also Made A Request To Roxy

KANAYA: As For Me Alone Defeating Her Would Be Impossible

KANAYA: I Intended To Borrow Roxys Power

KANAYA: But She Far Exceeded My Expectations

KANAYA: So

KANAYA: Come With Me Dave

KANAYA: Roxy Alone

KANAYA: Might Be Unable To Win

DAVE: unable to win???

DAVE: roxy????????

DAVE: dude are you for real right now

DAVE: you make a shitty ass comedian

KARKAT: OH ***MAN*** YOU ARE SLOW IN THE HEAD.

KARKAT: THE FUCKING POINT IS SHE’S REAL BAD NEWS!!

KARKAT: SO GET TO PREPARING, CHOP CHOP

KARKAT: DUMBASS.

DAVE: a fucking bird?

DAVE: wait no

DAVE: a demon????

DAVE: jesus whats next a plane

KARKAT: OW!!!!!!

KARKAT: STOP PRICKLING ME ALREADY, IDIOT!

KANAYA: We Have Little Time To Spare

KANAYA: You Should Obediently Come With Me Considering What Might Happen If You Do Not

KANAYA: Unless Of Course

KANAYA: You Do Not Have Confidence To Fight Demons Without That Right Arm Of Yours

KARKAT: ON THE FUCKING MARK, KANAYA.

KARKAT: WELL… IF HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANNA.

KARKAT: NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT!

KARKAT: JUST TUCK THIS KID IN GOODNIGHT BUT DON'T YOU EVER,

KARKAY: AND I MEAN ******EVER******

KARKAT: FORGET HIS LITTLE FOREHEAD KISSY.

KARKAT: MAYBE A STORY FOR GOOD MEASURE??

DAVE: tch

DAVE: my weapons are in the garage

DAVE: just wait there a min

KANAYA: I Have Told You Already

KANAYA: We Do Not Have Much Time

KARKAT: HURRY THE HELL UP!

KARKAT: OH, DON’T FORGET YOUR HANKY AND TOILET PAPER KIDDO!!

DAVE: youre telling me thats our ride

DAVE: posh

DAVE: guess my plane descriptor was just another prophecy

DAVE: gotta love some prophecys and divination right

DAVE: yup

DAVE: totally...

DAVE: dont get it too close it might wake everyone up

KANAYA: Do I Look Like I Can Contact It Now

KANAYA: Try Jumping And Telling The Pilot In Person

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: sure

DAVE: …

KANAYA: …

KARKAT: (OKAY WHOA.)

KARKAT: (WHOA!)

KARKAT: (WHOA!!)

KARKAT: (WHOA!!!)

KARKAT: (WHAT'S WITH THE SILENCE, KANAYA?)

KARKAT: (GLOOMY????)

KARKAT: (ARE YOU FEELING LIKE, GLOOMY?????)

KARKAT: (OH. YOU ARE, HUH.)

KARKAT: (C'MON! TRY TO BE FRIENDS.)

KANAYA: (For What Purpose)

KARKAT: (“FOR WHAT PURPOSE” SHE SAYS.)

KARKAT: (HE HAD THE YAMATO!)

KARKAT: (WHICH MEANS HE’S LALONDE BLOOD.)

KARKAT: (*THAT* MEANS HE COMES FROM ROXY, OR ROSE.)

KARKAT: (HAHAHAHA!!!)

KARKAT: (YOU GUYS GO LOOOOVEEEE FAMILY RIGHT?)

KARKAT: (YOU HUMANS.)

KARKAT: (SO, WHY NOT TRY TO GET ALONG??)

KANAYA: (Foolishness)

KANAYA: (It Does Not Matter Who He Is)

KANAYA: (I Will Use Him When The Time Comes)

KANAYA: (That Is All)

KANAYA: (If The Situation Was Not The Way It Is)

KANAYA: (I Would Not Have Any Reason To Get Involved With Him)

KANAYA: (If Anything I Should Be On Guard)

KANAYA: (Those Of Lalonde Blood)

KANAYA: (Are Doomed To Fight To Death)

KANAYA: You Should Not Underestimate This Demon

KANAYA: After All

KANAYA: It Was She Who Took Your Right Arm

KANAYA: And Gained A Great Deal Of Power From It

KARKAT: (WELL YOU SEEM TO BE IN A BAD MOOD.)

KARKAT: (TIRED OF BABYSITTING? OR MAYBE YOUR ASS STILL HURTS?)

KANAYA: (Can You Not Feel It)

KANAYA: (My Body)

KANAYA: (My Power)

KANAYA: (They Are Currently Eroding)

KANAYA: (I Tried To Eat And Sleep To Replenish Them)

KANAYA: (But The Effect Was Less Than I Expected)

KANAYA: (I Knew It Already)

KANAYA: (But)

KANAYA: (Realizing That Every Blink Brings Me Closer To The End)

KANAYA: (Makes Me Want To Not Even Lift A Finger If Possible)

KARKAT: (I GOT IT!)

KARKAT: (YOUR PROBLEM,)

KARKAT: (YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK, RIGHT??)

KANAYA: (.....)

KANAYA: (Well)

KANAYA: (I Guess You Can Say That)

KARKAT: (LEAVE IT TO US! CHIN UP KANAYA.)

KARKAT: (ALRIGHT, NEPETA CAME UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.)

KANAYA: Dave

KANAYA: I Am Leaving

KANAYA: Attempt To Follow Suit

KANAYA: I Doubt You Would Get Lost In Here

KANAYA: But Still

KANAYA: I Suggest You Do Not Fall Behind

KANAYA: I See

KANAYA: Well

KANAYA: It Is Not Bad

DAVE: ….

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: guess that happened

KARKAT: KANAYA, MY FRIEND, RIDDLE ME THIS:

KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU GOING AHEAD WHEN YOU “DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIFT A FINGER”?

KARKAT: WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER TO LET THAT ASSHAT TAKE CARE OF THE DIRTY STUFF WHILE WE WATCH FROM BEHIND?

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: I Would Love To

KANAYA: But Who Knows If He Will Be Of Use

KANAYA: With One Arm

KANAYA: Doubly So

KANAYA: I Want To Get To Her Without Exhausting Myself Too Much

KANAYA: Because Right Now

KANAYA: This Is The Closest Thing To The Demon World On Earth

KANAYA: There Will Be No Shortage Of Scum In Our Way

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ upd8 2020-01-17

Alright, morningblogging yesterday’s 2020-01-17 upd8 to Homestuck^2 let’s go!  Spoiler-free again.  I kinda don’t want even the next chapter names image-spoiled above the cut anymore so I’m going to have to figure out WHAT to put above the cut in these liveblog posts for visual reinforcement... a unique silly icon?  Going back once I’m done with the upd8 and posting something non-spoilery but weird-looking out of context?

Eh, can’t be assed.  Just know that after this I’m going to pony up for the Patreon commentary and skim it for anything plot-useful to y’all (in a separate post).  Let’s get started.

Okay, what’s next:  Any bonuses?  Oh, none!  Phew.  Unless those are coming faster too and just staggered differently, which would mean I gotta overcome my irrational pre-Homestuck-reading anxiety even MORE often.  :T

No Homestuck you don’t GET to ask how my-- ah, right.  :P

(FYI, HS^2 has been good to my emotions so far, quite a balm for the epilogues, so once I START reading I’m usually fine; but after being hurt so badly how could I possibly convince my lizard brain to trust it until it’s right in front of me?  Seriously, just hearing that the upd8 has landed messes me up a bit until I come fix it by reading w/ y’all here.)

Okay, so whose feelings?  As much as I’ve been waiting for Jade, I hope this isn’t about Jade.

> ==>

Ah fuck, we’re finally with the Pursuit Crew.  Bracing myself.  That means we get to see probably sleeping Jade ( :C ), full-swing DaveKat (approving nod), the first canon onscreen look at masculine-mode Roxy (<3), a probably pretty pissed off Kanaya (possibly either the feelings target, the one Saying How Are Your Feelings, or both), and uh... did they drag Callie along?  Or leave her back there with her meta freakout?  Probably left her back there, but... hm.

Let me turn up the brightness on this screen to sear these next pages into my retinas.  (Also, it feels odd to still be using a four-person “==>” for these, although if Jade is still asleep the numbers might fit on both ends... :c )

> ==>

I don’t think Dad is in the spacefaring business, so this is probably one of Jake’s shittier spaceship designs.

> ==>

...well that’s a touch disturbing.  Is that a Jade-occupied bed or are those just pillows?

Oh what the fresh fanfic’y heck is this command.

> i enter.

Okay that’s great.  I got a kick out of that.

JADE [in calliope red]: the prince’s power grows.

--but that’s not.  That explains the narrative command text, it’s alt!callie talking through a still conked-out Jade.  Please let her wake up between speak-throughs, please tell me you’ve learned that trick??  I already know you’re gonna pull an “oh she was asleep pretty much all of those THREE YEARS OF TRAVEL” thing on me and that’s hard fucking enough to deal with.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

He’s actually using the full curse correctly, huh?

...These commands.  Guess part of the puzzle is how much alt!Callie is being typically morbid and how much she might actually be wising up enough to get a kick out of this.

> the knight of blood falls.

DAVE: dude can you chill for like even a single fucking second DAVE: also are you ok

Has CallieJade chilled for even a single second this entire trip??  Is he asking just if Karkat’s okay or Jade too???

--yeah I’m overblowing things out of nervousness.  Just wait and see a bit, boots.

Alt!Callie has at least learned to be more of a smartass:

> karkat is characteristically appreciative of the alarm call.

Shirt trade Karkat, nice.  And uh, Jade’s dress sure is a... dress.  Hm.

(Did alt!Callie alchemize adjustments to did she just luck out to have a red-symbol’d Bec belt and accent leggings?  I’d prefer the former, because as much as it would be acceptable within Homestuck proper, using the transition between the epilogues and this new-author’d work to just HAPPEN to give her a fitting outfit without an excuse via providence is kind of lazy.)

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM! KARKAT: NEXT TIME I’LL JUST PULL THE COVERS BACK AND LET HER CLIMB IN! JADE: i am uninterested in that scenario. KARKAT: GREAT! POSSESSED JADE ISN’T EVEN HORNY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

...please let that mean he’s not used to her being possessed all the time and she wakes up sometimes.  PLEASE.

DAVE: but im pretty sure i locked that door JADE: i unlocked it with my mind. DAVE: fuck KARKAT: FANTASTIC. JADE: the prince’s powers are growing, but so are mine.

Dave, I’m pretty sure regular-ass no-Green-Sun Space powers can flip a few lock tumblers too.  (--though, I guess from context this was a Jakeship technolock.  Confirmation on the ship’s bad taste in design.  --I think I’m foggily remembering it said in the Epilogues that they took one of Jake’s ships just like Dirk did, too... man, being depressed so much by the Epilogues sure took a lot out of my ability to recall them decently.)

KARKAT: LIKE YOU DON’T FLOAT AROUND LIKE A CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT ALL DAY AS IT IS?

God DAMN IT she’s been asleep and possessed the whole fucking time.

> sleep is abandoned, coffee sought.

More obligatory DaveKat being cute, somehow only emphasized by the embarrassing glowing-with-power observer who doesn’t really get any of it.

Ah, here we go:

> the rogue is also awake.

Oh huh.  Cool!

Hero outfit, understated...  her his choice of heart-shades color-coded to stand out from Dave more to avoid further mistaken identity cases.  Works well!  (Holy shit I only JUST remembered at the end to go back and correctly gender Roxy as him, that was close. I blame the epilogues for a lack of visual reinforcement; I shouldn’t have as much trouble soon enough.  Seriously, I don’t remember ANYTHING without visual reinforcement, I think that’s why I remember so much of Homestuck proper so clearly.)

KARKAT: OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS! I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR HER FOLLOW US! ROXY: sometimes a girls just got to get her drift on i guess ROXY: it be like that

ilu roxy.

I missed Roxy so much, you guys.  I need more of him remarking on all this crazy shit if I’m gonna stay sane though all this.  (And I need more of him and AWAKE JADE kicking ass independently or together if I’m going to continue to believe there’s justice in the world.)

> ==>

We rarely saw Rose drinking anything but the rare coffee in canon, but I think Kanaya would have gotten her plenty into tea, yes.  Or at the very least, wanting the aesthetic of drinking tea with Kanaya would have gotten Rose into tea even if it never crossed Kanaya’s mind to try the stuff.

ROXY: well i mean who knows what she drinks now ROXY: dirk probs tossed the coffee machine out the space window right away ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances" > the prince is contemplated for a moment in silence.

FUCK, Dirk can see the narrative all the way out here???  No wonder alt!Callie’s forced to have possession turned on 24/7.  That’s fucking disappointing.  How the hell are we going to get any proper Jade time with THAT hanging over our heads?  She’d only be able to do anything when Dirk’s knocked out, and maybe not even THEN!

I was virtually promised more of actual non-asleep Jade getting shit done in HS^2.  Now there’s an even longer wait on it than I expected.  This sucks.

(EDIT: BOY did I misread that link line. Thinking “is contemplated” meant is sitting contemplating, when it meant "is being contemplated by everyone here". That was dumb of me.)

*clicks that next link*

Oh my goodness, Roxy joined the Bird Hair Crew.  It makes him look like a fucking asshole but I kind of love it.

KARKAT: IS THERE MILK?

I can’t believe Karkat is okay with drinking milk.  --yes, culturally Trolls are more comfortable with animal excretions than we are, but you would’ve thought years of railing against Equius would have purged any tolerance the idea of milk from his psyche.

I guess Dave introduced him to cereal, and it was all over from there.

DAVE: this is more like a castle DAVE: a castle of idk DAVE: twenty something ennui

Sounds like a relatable mood.  Especially considering Dirk probably decided to conquer reality out of almost nothing but twenty-something ennui.

Alright.  You aren’t going to turn Kanaya into an alcoholic or anything on us are you?

> the knight of time seeks a sylph...

--this is the shittiest shipboard starship aesthetic.

> ...and finds her, momentarily.

WOW that looks fucking depressed.  :(

> ==>

...okay you know what?  Never mind.  That outfit has wrapped straight back around into Trying Too Hard and is now hilarious.

DAVE: you ever feel like our whole lives are eventually gonna end up like this DAVE: just blasting through space on a sweeps long journey to ""somewhere"" chasing after or running from some vague enemy thats sometimes a god modded pet dog and sometimes your dad DAVE: without the faintest fucking idea of whats going to happen when we get there DAVE: thats a little specific but you know what i mean

Why do you think the epilogues upset us so much?  We thought we’d won free of that bullshit.

> ==>

Oh jesus christ that’s the most depressingly sad I’ve ever seen Kanaya drawn.  :C

--Karkat got you to watch Serendipity?  That’s amazing, Dave.

KANAYA: You Arent Reminding Me Of Her As I Rarely Think Of Anything Else KANAYA: I Close My Eyes And I See Her KANAYA: I Keep Them Open And I See Her

Fuck.

Y’know how little showing these two in love and actually HAPPY together we’ve seen in this entire comic and its subworks?  Despite them having spent at least a few happy years together we only saw in tiny screenclips?  And how Candy alluded super hard that they most likely couldn’t get that in this real timeline where shit’s going down?

Seriously, FUCK.  You could at least pretend to give us some hope, here.

Oh no, don’t ask for the nursery story, Dave.  Unless it turns out to be a funny one or a Rose twist on an old story or something.  Which it probably is, I should stop worrying.

> ==>

KANAYA: Oh Its A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost DAVE: flower DAVE: like a plant KANAYA: Its A Fairytale Dave DAVE: right KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

Dirk you PIECE OF SHIT did you rewrite the narrative of the fucking STORIES SHE TOLD CHILDREN?!??  Does the fact that alt!Callie is only in the present mean he can rewrite ANY past event we didn’t literally SEE???  FUCK you.  Seriously fuck all of this.

Please tell me she was kidding just then, or realizes there’s fucking something wrong with what she’s saying and getting angry or.

(EDIT: shoutyourporpoise replied: "Hey, idk If you picked up on this, but the 'nursery story' Rose told to the wigglers is just The Little Prince, which is maybe a BIT early for them to read, but I don't think that's a case of Dirk changing the narrative; its just Rose being Too Adult as usual." Oh, damn, I didn't even CATCH that it was that story. That makes all of this a lot more forgivable, even if pretty unforgivably leaning into the fiction that Dirk used to brainwash and kidnap her. Maybe that's exactly why it worked -- fiction, a story so blazed into the public consciousness? Hm. Thanks, shoutyourporpoise.)

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

Mother fuck I’m even going to have to see our protagonists warped by Dirk when they’re ostensibly FULLY SHIELDED aren’t I.  There’s only so much of that I would be able to take, you know.

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister KANAYA: She Is A Goddess Of Light And The Only Of Her Kind We Know Is Alive After All KANAYA: Maybe Shes Wrested Dominion Of The Entire Concept In All Its Appearances Within This Frame Of Reference

Hm.  Well, it being a product of Rose’s ascension instead of Dirk’s is possibly a more charitable take, with Ultimate Rose projecting the delusion enforced on her backward, visible to past Rose’s Sight when she isn’t paying attention and thus paving the way for Dirk to paradoxically exploit that “ideal” as something Lighty and Important and “Perfect”.  I still don’t fucking like it though.

> ==>

DAVE: sorry i know you say you got your badass monster powers but kanaya you look tired as hell DAVE: not that im tryna psyche you or whatever but youre waxing poetic in the dark which i guess is maybe on brand but still

Yyyep.

DAVE: unless terezi is lurking in the vents somewhere and now that i bring that up its actually not out of the question so im kind of gonna be thinking about that one for a while

Pffff.

DAVE: youre the only person i know whos still basically the same as when i met you

--Which is kind of going to have to change, right?  She’s got some other cosmic purpose ready to change her a little more than she changed pre-human-troll-meetup, you’d think.

> ==>

Cute as hell.

> ==>

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

There’s the title drop.  I’d think Dave’s doing pretty well, considering?  Still fucked over by Dirk betraying and tricking Rose away who he’s been close with all his life, but.

> ==>

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

Ah... yeah.  A little worse than my casual list, huh?  Forgot that Jade vanishing into a possession-coma for THREE FUCKING YEARS is going to be hard on people inside the comic too, fuck.

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

I was honestly surprised they TRIED to run society at all.  Jasp even just highlighted a big reason why not in the bonuses.

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

:(

Well, the trolls got THEIR lesson on why they didn’t deserve to rule over their new universe like gods; I guess some of y’all needed that lesson too?

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

True.

Dammit, Dave didn’t feel like he could just be Some Guy even on Earth C.  :(

> ==>

...don’t think I’ve forgotten that nursery story, though.  I don’t want to think that it was something that ACTUALLY past happened, especially not without manipulation.  Like maybe past Rose was foreseeing the false purpose that Dirk wrote for her or the like, a cooperative misunderstanding between the two instead of Dirk or Rose literally reaching back in time.

> meanwhile...

KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASKING? HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. KARKAT: ARE ANY OF US? ARE YOU? ROXY: not rly KARKAT: EXACTLY.

:(

--Oh right.  I remember that Callie and Roxy were going reasonably steady in Meat even though it was only alluded to, she didn’t freak out and stay awol or what have you.  That’s good to remember.  But it means Roxy deliberately left her behind to go on this dangerous quest, for years.  :C

KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

Oh, SHIT.  I should have read one line further.  They DID bring her.  Alt!Callie being here too must really FUCK with her.  ...maybe she can actually learn to accept that alternate way her life might’ve played out, though?

KARKAT: THE REALLY FUCKED UP THING IS I MIGHT BE THE MOST OKAY OUT OF ALL OF US, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW SHIT HAS REALLY GONE GLOBES UP.

Quite true.

ROXY: ur kinda an intense dude anybody ever tell u that KARKAT: NO.

Pff.

> ==>

KARKAT: AGAINST PRETTY MUCH ALL ODDS, AND DESPITE ME NOT DESERVING ANY OF IT, I ENDED UP GETTING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WANTED. KARKAT: OVER AND OVER AGAIN. KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

Well, if you want to blame Lord English for instance... we never saw Caliborn and Karkat interact much, but the parallels between the two were drawn so severely that Caliborn was basically the idealized, multiverse-threatening Ultimate Kismesis that he’d always dreamed of.  And operated against him without him even ever quite realizing it.

If a level of “respect” went from Caliborn to Karkat, too, from his Lord-Englishy vision nigh-omnipresent, then this outcome isn’t very surprising at all.

> ==>

(I don’t quite feel I get why Roxy shifted to this exasperated-Dave expression, but I get logically that he’d been waiting for Karkat to make a breakfast choice... Homestuck proper rarely pulled a “last line said corresponds to next-panel’s expression” without either leaving the conversation blank or having the NEXT lines of the conversation reinforce it, to prevent this inelegant misunderstanding.  Andrew was really damned talented in getting his point across visually, in that regard.  Just like, that careful visual intent delivery.)

Alright, I guess that’s it for this short upd8!  Meeting the pursuit crew was both more and less difficult than I expected.  Hopefully I get desensitized a bit as the characters continue to feel semi-almost-sorta-fine.

I have NO idea how this group is gonna work as a proper crew when we get to whatever weird other-players’ session this shit is going down in, though.

[abundantchewtoys]

Homestuck^2 Bonus re: Catnapped part 2

My reactions to this bonus chapter are under the cut!

Page 9

Ahahaahahahahah.

So Jasprosesprite^2 is claiming a place at the table as Creator. That sneaky cat.

Well, she IS half Rose, so she has some claim to the name. And it appears that in this timeline, it is going to be the carapacian that will stir up trouble.

Which is ironic - Jane was so focused on the trolls becoming trouble, and everyone assumed the carapacians would just be slaves to propaganda. But we forgot they are also very democracy-obsessed, thanks to the influence of WV. :D

Pffff, but she actually articulated her cat smiley during the broadcast.

So yeah, Ataxia is definitely a type of figurehead, but one of some clout in the Troll Kingdom.

Pfff, Roxy erected a palace in honour of Fefeta. That is just perfect.

And hey, Eggmop's being involved in the proceedings here too! Seems like she just rolls into rebellions naturely.

It's really fitting that carapaces would back Jasprosesprite^2 so easily - they naturally prefer Kings and Queens. Though WV would have something to say about it. :P

I wonder how the meeting of the regional meeting with Crocker's administration will turn out.

But pffff, Rose just plain refused to acknowledge Jasprosesprite^2 in her writings. Not really mature.

Then again, what "historical journals" do they refer to? If it's just the GameFAQ walkthrough... :P

---

Page 10

Wohohohoh! Jasprosesprite^2 is sounding a bit more down-to-earth, actually! Guess seven years to get used to her state as catperson can do that.

That paintings of the Carapace Queens is a nice touch. Where did Jake get that coat. ... He's still cold, isn't he? Hahahah. Winter's not his season.

So it appears the entire legislature of Earth C is kind of a joke, and by extension its entire culture is a bit of a "spaceship culture" grown from bits and pieces of unearthed B2 Earth archeological evidence. I'm... not really surprised.

But it would seem it would have been Terezi that was most qualified to write better laws. Alas, it was not meant to be. What's great here is that the second troll, the one in shades, is apparently the same Cliper that Jane sent to the cakemines in the Meat timeline, hahah.

... Also, I wonder if that carapace "MD" brought that red flag due to being a bit literal-minded. :P Love the fact that his outfit is so assorti with the rest of the pallet of the palace.

Good to see someone new calling Jane out on her xenophobia. Let's see if Jasprosesprite^2 can be more successful than Karkat.

---

Page 11

Hah, okay, Jasprosesprite^2 actually wants to endorse Jane once she gets at least a semblance of training. That's actually the best compromise to make here.

Her words also seem to refer to Candy Earth C, but I wonder if Jasprosesprite^2 can see into that timeline or not. She'd definitely realize Jane needs to be handled carefully if so.

MD is a female carapacian, whoops, my bad.

And Cliper is named so because of his clipboard, hahah. ... His horns are a form of paperclip, aren't they?

...

The three pillars of good rulership are "women, wine and song", oh my god. Midnight Crew reference secured! This makes me even curiouser for the "Diamonds, Dames and Dads" bonus story!

... I really hope Jasprosesprite^2 will actually be giving Jane some SOUND advice though.

---

Page 12

Ooooh, right, she was able to conjure those panes with her sprite powers!

My first thought on seeing a rainy sky is Rose's old home. Will she draw an allegory using Mom Lalonde's alcoholism as some sort of symbolism? Somehow I doubt it.

Batter-up!

---

Page 13

Hah! She teleported the lot of them elsewhere, for th bootcamp. :D

Cool, sprites for MD, Swifer & Cliper!

And it appears Cliper actually has his troll sign out and about. Is he a jadeblood? Is his sign part of the Extended Zodiac??

... Yup! http://hs.hiveswap.com/ezodiac/truesign.php?TS=Virza So he is, or he would have been, a Jadeblooded Derse dreamer and Hero of Mind! Cool. Well it explains why he's bureaucratically inclined.

---

... THE NEXT PAGE IS CALLED "PROBLEM SLEUTH^2" I... CAN'T.

OH BOY. Is bootcamp taking place in the world of Problem Sleuth? Or, well, Problem Sleuth 2? We know the sequel story was a thing on B2 Earth. It seems like a wild idea, but we know these panes can connect between some weird places.

---

Page 14

WHAT THE FRICK. THINGS I DID NOT EXPECT BUT FULLY ENDORSE.

HELL. FREAKING YES.

Look at that theme! Now the door is open for PS meeting the Midnight Crew. Just. Man, if you're not backing this shit yet. YOU. ARE. MISSING. OUT.

So... Do we, like, assume this takes place in the far, far future of Meat Earth C? Or in another galaxy entirely, in the same universe?

I mean, is PS then an exile, but for what session???

But. Yes. This must take place after PS proper. Cause his compensation has become spectacular. And he's redecorated. Love the key/gun difference. And it was summer in PS proper, now, it's winter.

... Wait. It was winter on Earth C just now too. Hmmmmmmm...

I do not know where this is going, but in this exact moment I don't care.

It's been more than eleven years since I read PS for the first time, shit.

---

Page 15

Pffff. Yep, his telephone got an upgrade. He's not in the mobile era yet, though. His computer will probably only appear when acknowledged.

---

Page 16

Hah! They're in Midnight City. So... Is this Alternia, or the fictional counterpart of the MSPA site on B1/B2 Earth? :D

I don't care. PS in the Midnight Crew universe. I am. Fulfilled.

---

Page 17

Hell. Freaking. Yes. Just this. Page 10 of PS. I'm grinning like mad.

---

Page 18

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

"retired protagonist"

"Ace Dick is the one with the yacht"

I LOVE THIS INTERMISSION.

---

Page 19

Aww, that was it.

Pffff, they're in a bar. And Jasprosesprite^2 is looking kind of like she's drawn in Andrew's PS style here.

Ace Dick is here and envious of all these tall people. This is great.

Jane is not amused with Jasprosesprite^2, and well, she's kind of right in that Jasprosesprite^2 seems to have brought them all just so she could drink. ... Wait that's a glass of milk, pffff.

But maybe she has a plan that involves a crash course on good leadership involving a criminal gang busting the place, making Jane having to think on her feet.

---

Page 20

Well, isn't this just an eyesore for sights.

... Pffff, yup, Jasprosesprite^2 can see into the Candy path. And she's just as smug and cryptic about it as we've come to expect from sprites.

She's also definitely trying to flirt with Jane, dear god.

---

Page 21

Oh my god, yes. Swifer/Cliper dialogue. Moirails!

Historical discussion on the state of Earth C pre-Creator incursion! Insight into how important Kanaya was to trolls! Insight in how important Swifer now is!

...

Oooooh! Jasprosesprite^2 is hangling for how Jane is feeling now Dirk has stopped influencing her! That's what I wanted to know, too!

God, I think think Jasprosesprite^2 could actually be this useful!

---

Page 22

OH SNAP! Dad Crocker looking for Jane? ... He's going to end up with the Midnight Crew.

He's going to lift that portal with his mangrit and end up teleported with the Midnight Crew. DD's going to take a shining to him. Again. This will spin off into the Diamonds, Dames and Dads bonus chapter.

... Okay, but I think we can all agree Dad should meet PS. He had his sleuthing interests, AND they can compliment each other's fedora.

---

Page 23

HOPY SHIT. HOPY SHIT.

Mr. Crocker: Engage Hardboiled Mode.

---

We'll stop reading now, but I have to wonder if this will even get resolved in the next part?

And do the other bonus stories all relate to this one??

The treatise could be something Jane has to learn about, or it could be related to PS' cheat I referred to, or even WV's own Quad-Kingdom thingy!! The Dads bonus chapter speaks for itself. A Threat, Sensed could follow PS.

I mean, if Homestuck^2 leads to more PS shenanigans, I'm here for this ride. (The fact that MSPA.com used to have all those PS bonus pages as well is funny.)

Crack Theory: the PS2 story on B2 Earth, which focused on the female characters, will turn out to have been inspired by Jane, Jasprose & Swifer's shenanigans here. ... I know MK was featured on the front page of PS2, but I think the Midnight Crew will be the mobsters they encounter.

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Chapter 21: Ambiguity 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Mentioned/implied abuse, arguably disordered eating/you know how Dave hides food? yeah that; Pesterlogs 

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:28 PM 07/06/2015  

GG: Good grief, I thought Roxy was exagerating about how late you stay up! Isn’t it past midnight at your house?

TT: I mean, yeah, but this is nothing.

TT: Was up til four yesterday. Ain’t no thing.

GG: >:B

TT: Not my fault there’s not enough hours in the day.

TT: I got shit to do. Robots to build, commissions to draw, asses to kick.

TT: Whole big schedule to sort through on the daily.

GG: Might one even say that you have some irons in the fire?

TT: Got so many burning irons, you’d think I’m a blacksmith.

TT: Enough swords, too, so really it’s

TT: Shit, hold on.

GG: ?

TT: God dammit.

TT: Be right back. Gotta deal with something. Ugh.

GG: Uh oh. It’s not a repeat of what happened last month, is it?

TT: Sorry about that. No, it turned out to be nothing.

TT: Again.

GG: Well, that’s a relief, I suppose.

GG: Um, what did you have to deal with, though?

TT: God, uh. Let me think.

TT: About a week or so after that bullshit last month went down, Dave heard a raccoon in the garage, and thought it might be someone trying to take him away again.

GG: Oh, goodness!

TT: No big deal, right? False alarm, everyone freaks out at first but it’s just something totally normal for out here.

GG: I remember you mentioning an adventure with one in your room last year, right?

GG: Roxy chronicled the whole event with photos from her cell phone.

TT: Yep.

TT: The thing with this is, though, that Dave keeps hearing things.

TT: That raccoon is so far the only time it’s actually been another living thing.

TT: A couple times, it was a fucking tree branch banging against a window. Most of the time it’s literally nothing.

TT: But he freaks out at the slightest noise from outside, and, well,

TT: I’m glad he’s telling us, at least?

TT: But.

GG: How often has this been happening?

TT: This was the third time this week. So, you know, pretty frequently. Always at night, so Mom can’t deal with it, because she doesn’t wake up easy.

GG: Shucks, Dirk, I’m sorry. That does sound like something of a hassle.

GG: Maybe you could ask Dave to try and be a bit brave?

TT: Can’t risk it.

TT: The old man’s quiet as hell. What if the one time I don’t check, it is him?

TT: I’d never forgive myself.

TT: Still, it’s frustrating. Especially because Dave won’t actually come down to my room himself.

GG: He won’t?

TT: No. He wakes up Rose and has her do it, so she’s always in a bad mood, too, but neither of us has any desire to take it out on Dave.

TT: It’s not his fault he’s scared of his own shadow.

TT: Fuck, if this keeps up, I’m gonna just build a bunch of security cameras and…

TT: Shit, no, that won’t work, Dave’s not allowed to use phones or computers. He’d still need someone else to check the feed for him. God dammit.

TT: Fucking house arrest bullshit.

GG: Hm.

GG: I’m…a bit loathe to suggest, this, but…

GG: You don’t suppose he’s jumpy because he’s hiding something again, do you?

TT: I mean, that’s a reasonable worry.

TT: He’s been talking to Rose a lot more, though, and he really did seem like he regretted what happened back in June.

TT: I think this is genuine paranoia, unfortunately.

GG: Gosh.

GG: I wish there was some way I could help, but I’m drawing a blank.

TT: Don’t sweat it, I mostly just needed to vent.

TT: Shit is ten kinds of stressful.

GG: I bet!

Karkat had no doubt about it now: Kanaya was up to something.

For the past week or so, he’d kept catching her speaking in hushed tones over her palm husk, usually visibly excited, but when he’d asked her what was up, she’d just grinned and informed him that it was “a surprise.” On the one hand, it was probably something totally harmless. On the other, Karkat knew his friends pretty well and he didn’t trust any of them with any ‘surprises’. Terezi’s idea of a ‘surprise’ had once resulted in him literally hanging upside down from her tree hive back on Alternia, one ankle snared in a rope. He didn’t even remember how things had lead to that, just that one moment she’d told him to come over to her house, and the next, hello, why is the world the wrong way up, what the fuck is this hoofbeast shit.

So, yeah, he was kind of wary, especially when Kanaya had asked that he and Rose (Dave ended up tagging along, too, out of curiosity) wait downstairs in the main room.

“Well?” Kanaya said, grinning widely as she stepped off the stairs.

It took Karkat a long moment to realize what had changed, but when he did, his jaw dropped.

“Holy shit, you’re not glowing!” he said, and heard a muffled “oh, fuck” from Dave next to him.

“How…?” Rose said, standing up.

“Turns out,” Kanaya said, “I did already actually know another rainbow drinker, who has been one far longer than I have, and she actually, you know, knows how it works. And she was able to teach me how to turn the glowing off, so!”

“So it’s not permanently gone, or anything?” Rose said. “I’d grown to like it so much, I’d hate to think you’d lost your spark so soon.”

Kanaya giggled over a pair of groans from Karkat and Dave. “Personally, I’m just glad someone finally shone a light on the ins and outs of this whole busine-”

Before Karkat could rightfully shout at the girls for the egregious punnage, a loud crashing noise from the basement made all four of them jump.

“What the fuck?!” Karkat yelped.

“Everything’s fine,” came a very muffled shout from Dirk. Rose darkly grumbled something about how Dirk was “going to set the house on fire one of these days if he wasn’t careful,” and just after she did, something even more surprising happened.

Dave, of all people, started laughing.

Karkat had heard Dave almost-laugh once or twice, but this was bordering on hysterics. He was doubled over on the couch, shaking with one of the most joyful sounds the troll had ever heard, if not a particularly attractive one. It was definitely an ugly laugh, and yet, a deeply contagious one, and Karkat had to fight to keep the corners of his mouth from curling up. (Especially because, even if he wasn’t sure what the joke was, seeing Dave this happy was doing things he didn’t want to admit to his blood pusher. Stupid pale crush, ugh.)  

“What on Earth is so funny?” Rose asked, visibly fighting a smile of her own.

Dave tried to answer a few times, failed, and just pointed at Kanaya, who had…apparently started glowing again.

Looking at her hands, she sighed, and said, “Oh, damn it. Maybe I don’t have as much control as I had hoped, hm…”

Wheezing for breath, Dave finally managed to choke out, “She’s — fucking, hahhaha, holy shit, she’s a — she’s a fucking clapper!”

Rose’s hand flew to her mouth to stifle a snort as Dave curled into a ball under another wave of laughter. “Dave,” she said, her own shoulders shaking, now, “that’s mean!”

“A what now?” Karkat said.

“There’s — God dammit, Dave, stop laughing — there’s a, a device, a sound-activated light switch, basically, that allows you to clap twice to turn the lights on or off,” Rose sputtered. Her request seemed to only spur Dave on more.

“That’s…why?” Karkat said.

“I don’t know,” Rose heaved.

“Oh, well,” Kanaya said, “He’s not exactly wrong, in that case.” She clapped her hands twice and the glow turned off, and everyone absolutely lost it, Karkat included. Kanaya had just looked so fucking proud of herself as she did it, God damn it —

“I mean, that’s not how it actually works,” Kanaya said, in between helpless giggles, “But I — the punchline was right there, I had to!”

Dave fell off the couch, actually fucking wheezing.

And then, he stopped, suddenly sitting up straight, staring at the kitchen. Karkat composed himself as best he could, and followed Dave’s gaze.

Dirk was standing by the fridge, a freshly opened bottle of orange soda in hand, silently watching. Noticing that he was now the center of attention, he shrugged, and said, “Well, don’t stop having fun on my account.”

Dave swallowed hard enough for Karkat to hear.

“I was just about to go down and check on you,” said Rose, folding her arms and turning towards him. Judging by the hints of laughter still sparkling in her eyes, she hadn’t noticed how rigid Dave had gone. “What are you doing down there?”

“Nothing unusual,” said Dirk. “Just dropped something, is all.”

“What, an entire train? A beam of the house? Dirk.”

“It’s fine, Rose, really,” he said, taking a sip of his soda.

“‘M gonna go,” Dave mumbled to Karkat, and slipped away before he could respond. The next sound anyone heard was that of the door to his block clicking shut.

Dirk frowned. “Aaaand there he goes,” he muttered. “Should’ve waited to open the fuckin’ soda til I was downstairs, I guess. Jesus.” He, too, departed, albeit at a reasonable pace. The room was left with the very air feeling heavy, an awkwardness settling in almost painfully.

Rose broke the silence, thank fuck. “I’ve had just about enough of this,” she said. “Kanaya, I’m sorry my brothers ruined what was supposed to be your moment of triumph, I really am happy for you.”

“It’s alright,” Kanaya said, nervous.

Somehow, Karkat wasn’t so sure.

There wasn’t much Dave remembered about living here before. One of the things that had always stuck out, though, was this…this presence, a presence with a face attached to it that Dave had eventually figured out was Dirk, and it was a thing that had always given him a sense of safety when he was little. Like, whatever he was doing, playing in the woods or what the fuck ever, if that sort of shadow was somewhere in the background, everything was okay, he was safe and could just keep doing whatever.

Dave sure as shit didn’t get that feeling off of Dirk now.

He wasn’t sure what had changed over the years he’d been gone, but now when the guy was around, the only sense he got was one of danger. Which was stupid, and he knew it. Dirk had literally done nothing to him, he had no reason to think that he was going to, and Rose had made it pretty fuckin’ clear that this wasn’t a house that was prone to ambush-based training or really any sort of fight practice that wasn’t fully voluntary. And also, he was still under house arrest and couldn’t use a sword anyway, so there was that too. Still…

There was just…something about his face, about the slope of his eyebrows when he was frustrated and the way he held his shoulders, about the way he’d breathe in real slow while visibly pissed off (or maybe he was just frustrated? God, he was so fucking hard to read), something that set off every internal alarm bell Dave had, bellowing an internal ‘GET THE FUCK OUT’ at the most obnoxious pitch and volume ever. He’d be sitting there like, geez, did we really have to do a fire drill today? It’s fuckin’ raining outside, come on! But nope, every time Dirk came in, there they go, the twitchy-ass wailin’ sirens shoutin’ at him to evacuate.

And, if Dave was honest with himself, the knowledge that Dirk probably wasn’t gonna hurt him sort of made everything worse. Because if this wasn’t all the long-term build up to a sword fight on the roof, then why the fuck was he…Why was he being so weird?

Weird in ways that were familiar enough, mind. Showing up at weird moments, sometimes giving off the danger vibe more than usual, and yet sometimes acting almost out of character —Bro did that sorta shit all the time, and Dave knew what the idea was there. It was just mind games. Probably to keep Dave on his toes and ready for anything, teach him to be suspicious or whatever. Sometimes the games had a specific goal and usually Dave could figure out what that was. But with Dirk? He had no fucking idea.

Especially since the most out of character shit seemed to happen when Dirk was actually pissed at him — like that time with the cat on the roof, how he’d been so fuckin’ gentle even while practically scowling (well. He’d looked mildly irritated, but. Same thing, right?). Or how about that fuckin’ fiasco back with the botched rescue attempt? He’d obviously been angry, he and Rose had nearly gone for each other’s jugulars right there in the fuckin’ kitchen! But he’d never directed anything worse than a fuckin’ heavy sigh at Dave, so what the fuck? Same with the fuckin’ sounds he kept hearing at night — every time another one happened, Dirk reacted a little less serious and a little more annoyed (and…yeah. That was fair. Dave wasn’t sure why he was so jumpy, lately, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched, somehow. Eyes burning holes in his back, and he couldn’t shake them, no matter where he went), but every few times he’d say that same thing again, that he’d rather go check on a false alarm than have Dave not try and give them a warning. And he’d say it that same way, too — his eyes serious and fuckin’ scary intense, but his voice soft, like he was talkin’ to a crying toddler. Dave couldn’t figure out what to make of it.

Part of him…that little whispery part that was always so contrary about this shit, the same one that had talked himself into admitting what was going on back in June, kept hoping that maybe Dave was misinterpreting shit, that the gentleness and the nice shit was genuine, but. He couldn’t buy it. Not whenever Dirk was in the room, being stoic and unreadable and fuckin’ scary.

Another part of him, one that had been steadily growing bolder ever since it had really sunk in that no one was gonna hit him, but had existed for longer than Dave had realized it was there, wanted him to fight back. Fuckin’ puff himself up and snap at Dirk, get him to either back off or push him over the edge to strike out — whatever it took to get rid of the terrifying goddamn ambiguity of this whole mess.

What held him back from acting on that bit, for now, was the memory of that fight between Dirk and Rose. That had been some scary shit, and it’d just burst in out of nowhere. One minute, all’s quiet, and the next, Dirk was fuckin’ lunging at Rose like a man on a mission. A death mission. Fuckin’ hell.

Dave didn’t want that. He really didn’t want it to come to that. The thought of having to fight Dirk, armed or no, made his gut twist and contort itself into all sorts of fucked up shapes.

But then again, so did the not knowing.

Something was gonna give, and Dave wasn’t sure he wanted to be around when it did.

The next time Rose saw her eldest brother was  once again in the kitchen, this time with an expression of suspicious confusion etched on his face. He was looking intently in the pantry, finger tapping out an agitated tune against the counter.

“That’s certainly a severe expression to fix on a bunch of innocent food. Are you having a fight with the ramen noodles?” Rose said, crossing her arms.

Dirk flicked an eye over to her, back to the pantry, and then leaned back. “Be a little tricky to have a fight with something that isn’t there,” he said. “Which is more my actual problem.”

“What?” Rose said, stepping over to the pantry herself. “But you just went to the store three days ago. I saw you bring in enough cup noodles to last you a good two weeks.” Yet, as she stood next to him, she could see for herself that he was right — there was just one left.

“Karkat’s been at them, for sure,” Dirk said, “But I don’t think that’s enough to account for them disappearing so fast. Have Dave or Kanaya been eating any, do you know?”

Rose thought for a long moment. “Kanaya tried them once,” she said, “but I don’t know that she cared for them much. As for Dave, I…” She frowned. “Actually, I don’t know that I’ve seen him eat anything in quite some time. Normally, he just takes food and retreats to his room.” She sighed. “Well, it probably is him, though. It’s what makes the most sense, unless our mother’s suddenly picked up a taste for them, which I doubt.”

“It’s not just cup noodles, though,” Dirk said. “That’s not that big of a deal. There’s other food that’s been disappearing. A whole packet of crackers disappeared last night, along with a half-full jar of peanut butter.”

“That’s…strange, sure,” said Rose, “But I doubt it’s anything serious.”

“That’s because you’re not in charge of groceries,” Dirk said. “I am, and I don’t like that things are disappearing almost as fast as I can buy them.”

“So buy more,” Rose said, exasperated. “We’re not exactly on a tight budget, here.”

“Hmph,” Dirk grunted, closing the pantry.

That really should have been the end of things, but things were never simple with Dirk. The mystery was solved that evening, as it turned out. While in her room with Kanaya, Rose heard a soft yelp from the kitchen. Flicking a worried glance to Kanaya, she stood, leaving her room just enough to get a glimpse of what was going on downstairs.

Dave was in the slightly-hunched, deeply tense pose she’d learned to recognize as his version of cowering, a bag of chips that she knew to be about a quarter full held half-hidden behind his back. Dirk was standing near him — dangerously close to cornering him, actually. He probably didn’t mean to do so, but Dave was already on edge, that much was clear.

Dirk calmly reached into a cabinet, and pulled out a small bowl, handing it to Dave. “You know,” he said, “you can just use one of these, and that way there’s enough for everyone —”

Something in Dave seemed to snap. His voice was terse and defensive, almost frantic, as he answered, “I know, okay?! I know it’s stupid and weird and — I can’t explain why, I know there’s plenty of food here, thank fuck for that because I don’t know where I’d get it on my own, but if I — if I don’t have enough stashed away, I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold fucking sweat, and it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself everything’s gonna be fine, I can’t turn it off, okay?”

It was almost uplifting to watch, in a way, as he seemed to puff himself up and half-spit his response — not great in terms of making amends, perhaps, but she’d learned to recognize her brother’s fear responses well enough to realize that he was standing up for himself, defending himself against the one person in the house he still found frightening, and even as she found herself saddened by his actual words, she was proud of him for having the courage to say them.

Dirk seemed thunderstruck. He was silent for a long moment, and in that moment, that rush of courage seemed to drain right out of Dave. His stance slipped back into a cower, as he mumbled an even more frantic, stuttery apology, promising to put the food back, that it wasn’t actually a big deal, he was fine —

“No, it’s — it’s okay, you can have it,” Dirk said. “I didn’t realize…It’s not that big of a deal, I’ve just. Been wondering where some of the food’s been disappearing to so fast. None of what you’ve taken needs to be in the fridge, so you’re…fine.”

Dave mumbled another sorry. Dirk didn’t answer, suddenly unable to meet Dave’s gaze. Rose didn’t wait to see if the conversation would continue; Dave looked enough like he was about to bolt for her to duck back into her own room. Moments later, she heard the Dave’s door slam shut.

“What was…” Kanaya started. Rose had already pulled out her phone.

“I’m texting Roxy,” Rose announced. “I’ve had about enough of this. She’s wrangled Dirk’s stubborn ego into cooperation before. If she can’t find a way to fix this, no one can.”