#Now i am going to continue being sick <3 I wish yall a lovely day

[tarobytez]

disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant. 

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist. 

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is. 

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”. 

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me. 

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.  

Oh fucking boy. 

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully. 

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled. 

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability. 

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community. 

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged. 

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people. 

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted. 

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows. 

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

[itskyleeyo]

*how i feel currently is best described as “that funny feeling” by bo burnham*

laying in bed rn and asking myself “why do i feel so empty when im flooded with emotions?” (anger. rage. fear. sadness.) and then it dawned on me. there’s a hole in my heart where my hope should be.

i, as a person, try my best to see the bright side. try to be flexible. be understanding. but it is so goddamn hard to understand the amount of hate in this country. i try to be flexible, but they’re going to bend me until i break. how do you find a bright side in all of this?

yknow what’s funny? all of this hate around me is bringing out the hate in me. the amount of anger i feel now honestly scares me sometimes.

i constantly hear older adults complaining about how “you can’t say an opinion/joke/belief nowadays because everyone is so sensitive.” as they hear about the most recent shooting and go “that’s a shame” and continue on with their day. whilst also dramatizing and being overly emotional/defensive about minute things. for example, getting offended when we don’t laugh at their racist jokes. they complain about how we act, when it directly stems from their lack of giving a shit about anything important.

i have to remind myself that some things are really, truly, genuinely out of my control. i have to remind myself that my anger is not at myself, and that i had no say over who is in power.

i am so sick and fucking tired of pretending that i don’t care in front of others just to avoid getting into an argument about basic human rights.

*deep breaths yall* it’d probably be good practice to take my own advice, right? so i’m gonna pet my dog and list out things that ain’t too shabby. 1. i can vote now! hopefully i’ll feel less powerless. 2. i’m going to college soon! hopefully i’ll be able to express myself without fear of judgement. and i’ll get to wear my cute clothes. 3. my people! my family. my friends. i love y’all so much and are my rock. you are the reason i keep going. 4. i can make a difference (even if it’s a small one) 5. people care about me. there are people out there that wish me well. 6. i care about me! i am good enough for myself. 7. there is still good! i will not let the state of our government ruin everything for me. there are flowers, and sunsets, and videos of goats eating fruit! and fluffy cows!!

it feels like a lot, and it is, but we can get through this. find your rock and hold on tight. go now, and i mean right now, and find you some happy. a video or a shitpost or a song. watch a vine compilation. it is ok to be angry or sad or scared or hurt, but don’t let it destroy you completely. go watch goats eat plants, or ducks run across wood so their feet make the “pit pat” noise! take this moment (even if it is just a moment) to bring a genuine smile to your own face. we can survive this. you are not alone. ily.

[propertyofwicked]

a-z of dating will schofield 

(ive kept blake alive bcos im not a monster, and he has sisters rather than daughters :) ) pls request more for me to write i am bored of my half term lol

a- argue 

both of you are fairly neutral people, so you rarely have arguments of significance. when you do however, the aftermath can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days - both of you too stubborn to admit your faults so resorting to silent treatment. the periods of silence ended when one of you couldn’t take it anymore, usually him. he would approach you when you were pre-occupied, take you in his arms and whisper an apology. if that didn’t work, he would begin telling bad jokes, refusing to let you go until you cracked even the smallest of smiles. 

b - body (his favourite body part of yours)

will loves your lips. on the one hand, he loves when your whole face lights up in laughter, or perks up with a smile. he loves seeing your lips curl up into a small grin whenever you see him across the street or when you share a look from across busy rooms. on the other hand, he loves how your lips fit perfectly with his. when you get intimate, he loves how they wrap around him and he loves when they fall open to let out the bliss sound of your moans.

c - care (how you care for each other when you’re sick)

when will is ill, he’ll pretend it’s nothing and continue working himself beyond his ability. it’s almost your job to make sure that when he’s ill, he remains in bed - or at least the house - in order for you to keep an eye on him and make sure he stays hydrated and well fed. when you’re ill, he will stay with you as much as he can. before he has to go to work, he’ll place a glass of water and medication next to your bed and put soup into a pot, ready for you to just heat it up when you needed it. when he comes home, he’ll come straight up to you and wrap you in his arms, peppering your face in kisses. he didn’t care if he too got ill - it just meant more time with you. 

d - dates (what do you guys do?) 

you and will weren’t a typically outgoing couple, whilst you both came from money and could afford to splash out - neither of you wanted to. you’d rather stay at home, curled up on a sofa, humming along softly to the murmurs of a record playing softly in the background. he’d play with the rings that adorned your fingers whilst he listened to you talk about anything that came to mind. you listened to him talk, sometimes he’d tell stories of his time in the war - maybe he’d recount something he’d seen or something that blake had told him in passing, he did love to tell stories after all. when you did go all out, it was to celebrate anniversaries or birthdays, and even then, it was a dinner and then a walk home, gazing at the stars. 

e - engagement (how he proposed)

it was on your 7 year anniversary, sometime in early 1922, and you go to a local restaurant to celebrate. something feels different though. as you walked in holding hands, his became clammy and throughout conversation at dinner, he stumbled over his words and found it hard to stay on one topic for more than 5 minutes at a time. on the walk home he takes you down a different street and says he “just wants to show you something”. without questioning him, you follow him and end up at the bench you first met. it wouldn’t be will, if he hadn’t planned out a long speech that built up to the final question but in his stress manage to forget it and resort to just going on one knee and smiling up at you, “i love you, will you marry me?”

f - friends and family (do they like you/him?)

his family adores you. his younger sisters loved to have someone to talk to and someone to braid their hair whilst their big brother was away at war. whilst he was away, his mother loved to have you other for dinner, desperate to have anything the remind her of her son. his dad and you weren’t massively close but there was an aspect of mutual respect. you had many mutual friends as you grew up in the same area, attending local schools and all of them were obviously delighted to see their two friends happy with each other. your parents adored him too, he was the son they never had whilst also being the best thing to walk into your life. 

g - gifts 

will loved to shower you in gifts. they were only little but they were something so deeply special to you. it was weekly flowers, that he’d buy on his way back from work, or maybe a punnet of cherries from the green grocers - he was whipped and you were equally. 

h - how you met

you met when you were 17 and he was 18 in 1915. your town had been holding a small travelling festival consisting of a circus and fun little game stalls. your friends had insisted you go, as it may be your only chance. they didn’t mention though, that whilst there they would be meeting their boyfriends - leaving you alone, wondering around admiring the lights. in your meandering, you bumped into the dusty blond who stood as good head above you. in doing so, you knocked the toffee apple out of his hand, and insisted on buying him a new one with the the remainder of the 10 bob your dad had given you on the way out. you spent the rest of the evening sat on a bench, talking about the stars that shon above until your friends turned up to take you home. 

i - intimacy (how often are yall getting down?)

despite his shy outer shell, william schofield was not afraid to show you loving almost every day. can’t sleep? hungry? need to go shopping? this man does not care. if you need anything, he’ll give it to you and god does he know how to work his way around that bedroom. 

j - jealousy

your’re both the jealous type, but not the type to make a public show about it. the pent out anger is usually taken out behind doors if you get what i mean ;) when will gets jealous, he makes sure you know by squeezing your hand harder or moving it over to graze the top of your thigh and he’d play with the ends of you hair. you’re more discreet about it, maybe getting a little argumentative with whoever is making you jealous. 

k - kinks

william schofield - king of praising. he loves to hear you call out his name as much as he likes to make you. if he could spend all day making you shake, he would. 

l - long distance

whilst will was away at war, things got hard. despite only being together 6 months when he left, it was like a piece of you had been torn away, and you spent every day praying for his safe return. but when he did come back on leave, it wasn’t the same as you knew he’d had to leave again and the risk of never seeing him again got more prevalent. sending letters was always hard, often he’d find the small marks where ink had bled from your tears, his heart shutting down to repress his own feelings. his letters went from happy to bland. no emotion, just vague descriptions of his days, his meals - nothing about him and how he was doing. so when the war did finally end and he came back to you, he returned to being the will you had grown to love. 

m - moving in

towards the beginning of the war, you had received a letter from will declaring how the moment he came home, he wanted to make a woman out of you. so when the war finally ended 4 years later, and he returned, the first thing you two did was go on the hunt for a smallish house. you opted to move more into the city as the jobs and travel was considerably better. living together was a dream, though you had to adjust to each others bad habits, and being young and living together meant you had the constant questionings as to when you would start a family of your own.

n - nights out

ofcourse, living in closer to the city provided you with better opportunities for nightlife. friday nights were dancing nights. you two, your friends and partners and whichever girl tom picked up that week would all stumble down to the dance hall and spend hours, drunk dancing to the likes of marrison harris, only to return home at early hours and pass out on the living room floor. 

o - open with each other

at the start of your relationship, will and you were very open with each other, discussing your boundaries and respecting them as such. you would talk about everything, from friends to family to school. but after the war, will became a closed door - refusing to talk about anything that happened whilst he was away, you respected this but wished he’d open up the slightest, just to be able to connect to him in anyway. after a few months, he became the same man he was before he left, just more mature - a look that really suited him. in his months of silence, you opted to fill this by just talking non stop, anything the provoke a reaction. and you’ll never forget when he had not said a word for 3 days after returning and whispered a quick “i love you” as you fell asleep that night. 

p - pda

neither of you were big on over-the-top pda, choosing to just hold hands or accept slight pecks. affection was saved for a private environment around only each other or very close friends. although in crowded areas, will would stand behind you, wrapping his arms around you securely. 

q - questions (what you talk about late at night)

it’s 3am, you can’t sleep, so you roll over and stare will in the face until one eye peaks open. 

“yeah?” he mumbles sleepily.

“do you love me?”

“mhm”

“no say it”

“i love you, now go to sleep, it’s 3am”

r - reproduction (do you want kids?)

you’ve always wanted kids, knowing that you grew up mostly alone as a single child. will had also wanted children until he saw what war could do to a child. he feared that he would be putting a potential son at risk by just simply creating him. it took a lot of convincing to retrieve will from the mindset he had fallen trap to, but he eventually did come around to the idea of having his own little family to protect. 

s - surprising (what surprised you about him)

he was really bold when you got to know him well enough. on the surface and to people who had not spoken to him, will seemed like a quiet but wise soul. one getting to know him, anyone could realise that he had the sense of humour of a champ and was really outgoing. often, being around tom brought this out in him, challenging to ridiculous games of drunk darts in a dingy pub.

t - together (what you do together)

you just vibe together. sometimes you cook together, other times you sing or you dance along with the wireless - him twirling you around the kitchen was a favourite of his. sometimes you’d read together or to each other and other times you’d go out dancing till early hours of the morning.

u - under the influence (drunk vibes)

will and tom were hell to reckon with alone, but when alcohol was thrown into the mix it became a harder battle. you’d opted out of going out one night after a long, tiresome day. this led you to be left to deal with two fully grown men, giggling like school girls in your living room at 2am. will refused to sleep till he had gotten a kiss and tom refused until he was tucked into to bed and sang a nursery rhyme. but quite frankly you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

v - vacations

at it was only the 1920′s, you guys tended not to go abroad. instead you travelled the country, hiking in the peak district and swimming in the sea at cornwall.

w - wedding

you had a small wedding service, attended by family and close friends - and it was absolutely perfect. the service was followed by an evening of dancing and drinking alongside the people you loved most. 

x - xray (when he’s hurt)

it was almost impossible for a man to return from war unharmed, which left will with a weak left hand from a bad experience with barbed wired and then the carcus of a man. some days, it would get so bad, that he was unable to lift a glass in that hand, and on the days, you’d remind him that you were there to help whenever he needed it. whether that meant giving him medication or ringing a doctor, he was constantly reminded of the love you had for him. 

y - you (a random headcannon)

will had left early that morning, saying he’d be home late and not to wait up. you didn’t question it, as often he would travel for his job or go for drinks with tom. for some reason that night you couldn’t sleep without him, so took out his shirt and held it close to you, managing to fall asleep comforted by the smell of him. what a sight that was, for him to walk in a few hours later and find you curled up with his shirt. he had never been more in love with you than at this precise moment. 

z - zzzzzzzz’s (sleeping routine)

you’d be in bed first most nights, after bathing away that days dirt. will would emerge at the bedroom door half an hour later, in just a towel, to gaze at you absorbed into a book and oblivious to his presence. he’d put on his pyjamas and climb in next to you, his arm find his way under your back. this way he was able to pull you in and rest your head on his chest. he’d press a kiss to the top of your head, then tilt your chin up to connect your lips together in a sweet kiss. 

[bloodydamnit]

You went to MICA, right? I’m currently going there and it’s good (stressful as fuck, but good) and I wanna know; what did you hate and what did you love about it? (Oh my god I sound like those end of year surveys they give you)

Hello there!!! Omfg I’m literally on campus right now for pride!!! LOL just got myself a smoky burger from OTH what what. okay okay okay good questions. 

MICA has changed quite a bit since I was there. Like, my freshman year was fucking lit. If you take the shuttle and get Mr. Robert or Ms. Yvette, ask them about the nudists. Shit was wild. 

Our freshman/foundation year was different in general too? Like

Okay. So. lol. Our classes were:

Elements of Visual Thinking - Which was a chance to explore concepts, mediums, learning how to properly critique, etc. 

Critical Thinking - Which was just critical theory, but more on your own practice I guess? I don’t really know how to explain it. 

EMAC - Which was exploring different forms of digital media and how to use them (Premier, Photoshop, Audacity, recording devices, etc)

Sculptural Forms - Which was a chance for you to explore 3d media. So it was held in what used to be 15/15 and it was woodshop, plaster, 3d printing, and cardboard. 

Then, this is where I get pissed off and seriously fucking angry about this change. 

But we USED to have Painting and Drawing. Now, if you got a 5 in AP art, you gained an extra credit and could skip Drawing/Painting 1. HAH. IMAGINE THAT. HAVING A PAINTING AND DRAWING CLASS AS A FOUNDATION FOR YOUR ART. BECAUSE IT’S KIND OF NECESSARY. 

can you tell im a bit fucking salty?

They were separate classes and I think, they were extremely fucking important to the development of not only my art but my peers. For example, I fucking hated painting when I went to MICA. Literally fucking refused to touch the medium. 

I went to my first class with Latoya Hobbs, tried oil paint, and everything fucking changed. I was a GD major (or that was my plan) and I immediately switched to Painting and I never looked back. 

Unfortunately, yall don’t have that opportunity anymore. Especially since when you choose your major, you tend to stick with those classes. Which really fucking sucks, because you can tell the variety of art has gone down since this change happened. And I think that’s the thing that I dislike about MICA NOW the most. I had the chance to take things, was required to take them, and then I knew how to do a variety of things BECAUSE of those changes. And from what I understand, you don’t have those opportunities anymore. Which really fucking sucks. Because you also miss out on the amazing fucking professors in other majors as well. For example, Karen Warshal. I HIGHLY recommend taking her Portrait class and her Anatomy class. I swear to god, those were the best, more useful classes I’ve ever taken. Is she crazy? A bit. But she’s the most genuine, caring, supportive, and one of the hardest professors I’ve ever had. And thats what you WANT. You don’t want someone to butter you up, tell you your art is poppin when it’s not, and to try and let you off easy because you look upset. Karen tells you how it fucking is and that’s so god damn important. no matter what major you are, TAKE HER FUCKING CLASSES. They’re important and they’re necessary to your development as an artist. Even if you’re not into figural art. - also she makes food and brings it in. and if you’re sick she might make you chicken noodle soup. shout out to karen

Honestly, Karen was probably one of my favorite things about MICA. Along with Mark Karnes,  TONY FUCKING SHORE. LISTEN. YOU NEED TO TAKE A CLASS WITH TONY SHORE (PAINTING). I think he might be doing a class on race (which haha he knows hes white as fuck) and i think it will be fantastic. so keep an eye out, AND RUTH TOULSON THE ANTHROPOLOGY TEACHER. IT MIGHT STILL BE A REQUIREMENT. HER CLASSES HAVE AN 80+ WAITLIST. IF YOU GET ON. ITS SO WORTH IT FUCKING TRUST ME. SHES OUT OF THIS FUCKING WORLD. PAUL LONG, HE’S AN ACADEMIC TEACHER (TEACHES POETRY AND SOME OTHER SHIT. HE’S GREAT. BRINGS SNACKS EVERY DAY), and others?? if you want to know more, please message me and i’ll give you them!

Anyway, I havent really answered your question!

Dislike:Housing situation fucking sucked. getting a room was fucking ridiculous. They ran out of room for us because they started accepting more (this happened when sophomore housing was required. My year was the first year that went into effect and they had to buy out bolton hill apartments. people had to break leases, etc. it was fucking ridiculous). 

The MICA store is eh? It used really good and held in dolphin. But it was literally falling apart. Now its too.. idk. It’s fine. I prefer artists and craftsmen. 

Access to studios and equipment is eh too. Because of time constraints. 

How the student body treats the fucking faculty is DISGUSTING. One girl literally called one of the sweetest security guards the ‘help’. Ms. Gloria (senior in security) is fantastic, Officer Green is everything, Ms. Yvette is so fucking sweet, and Mr. Robert makes my heart sing. 

The student body in general LOLOLOLOLOL. ‘Surround yourself with good juju’ - Former MICA Grad (my best friend) The fucking student body mica page is a fucking dumpster fire lol. 

I don’t like how white MICA is and how entitled a good part of the student body is. The amount of entitlement is fucking ridiculous. And the amount of ignorance is astounding. Also the obviousness to what fucking city you're in, is so wild i cant fucking even. Like. MICA is deceptively beautiful (the MICA bubble). Which is why it is high in crime lol. Just be alert and don’t be a god damned dumbass walking around at 3 am with your fucking headphones in, smoking a cigarette, and acting like you’re fucking immune to being mugged. Just saying. Take the shuttles and you’ll most likely be gucci. 

I don’t like how MICA spends its money (our money). And what they choose to invest in - like buying random fucking buildings and not telling the students what it’s for, and fucking raising the price of tuition and living in order to compensate. 

The total and utter lack of transparency, etc. It felt eehhhh I don’t know how to explain it. 

NOW. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT AND THAT IM JUST SHITTING ON MICA. BUT MY MICA EXPERIENCE WAS THE BEST OF MY LIFE. I LEARNED SO MUCH. AND I FIND WHAT I LEARNED THERE TO BE INVALUABLE (except for the fact that I’m 56k in debt. just saying)

But really. I loved MICA. I wish I could go back. I met so many amazing people, made great connections, and I don’t think I would have had the same love at any other art school. (I have friends in SAIC, Pratt, Parsons, FIT, SVA, RISD - they all complain about the same things. they in the grand scheme of things, are material. Which important because, hah, money. But, material nonetheless. If you have the means, I don’t think these things I explained are deal breakers)

Now what I loved about MICA. Because honey. I fucking LOVED MICA:

When I was touring schools, I was kind of eh about them? Not in the sense that I wouldn’t have a good time or be ungrateful, but I didn’t get that feeling. Does that make sense? For example, I took a tour at SVA and I have very very strong opinions about SVA, I had no feeling. When I stepped on MICA’s campus, that was fucking it for me. Not only was I comfortable there, but the professors that were at the tour, made it their duty and went out of their way to make myself and the other potential students feel welcome. They were personable, they were kind and welcoming, they were warm, and that continued even after I decided MICA was the place for me. 

My class at least, had no drama lololol. Again, my freshman year was a hell of a lot of fucking fun. We didn’t have any big racist shit going on like other years (ahem ahem 2018, 2019). INSTEAD, we had the nudists, we had carrot videos (ask around about that), it kind of felt less cliquey? Because everyone was generally interested in being friends? Idk. Like we definitely had groups and they became more evident as majors really clicked in, but in the beginning, everyone was pretty much together (this was the first year that the grill opened and leake was a thing. So we were all figuring out the dorms together). I mean we had drama but it wasn’t... idk. It wasn’t like mica student body (maybe its because we didnt have that to fuck shit up lolol). 

On The Hill was my shit. Still my shit. I fucking love on the hill with a fucking passion. Pom Iced Teas, where you at. The neighborhood in general was really nice. Baltimore is one of my favorite cities and the stigma of it will be broken as soon as you start exploring it. HOWEVER, BE FUCKING SMART. DONT BE A FUCKING IDIOT. IF YOU DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE SOMEWHERE, YEET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. TRAVEL WITH OTHERS. DON’T BE THOSE DUMB ASS WHITE GIRLS FROM RURAL FUCKING TOWNS THAT THINK THEY CAN WALK AROUND AT 4 AM OR JUST WHEN IT’S DARK OUT, ALONE, AND BE OKAY. TAKE. THE FUCKING. SHUTTLE. 

The studio spaces were really nice so as they’re taken care of. the equipment is really nice. take advantage of it while you can. because once you’re out of school. hah. you’re screwed. 

Networking was nice. 

Being close to the Walters was amazing and the ability to go to DC for the day only spending 8$ on the Marc train to get there was amazing. Having Penn right on campus. 

Again, the professors were in majority, fucking amazing. 

Some professors had classes outside of MICA (karen has model drawing classes at her studio) take them! They’re really worth it!

I actually didnt mind the dorms. 10x better than most colleges. 

Accessibility was amazing. Especially since its not a closed campus, but everything is in one place. That’s not the case with a lot of Art colleges. 

And most of all, I just loved being there. I loved learning. I loved the people. I loved baltimore, i loved the professors. MICA 10000% shaped how I am as an artist in the best way and I think it’s an amazing place to be despite the downfalls. 

Don’t take everything I said as gospel. like I said, these are just my experiences as well as a few of my friends in the same fine arts department. The others, I’m not sure about. But yeah. I hope this helps! You can always message me and I’d be happy to refer you to classes, professors, etc. Good luck with next year!

[sheogorad]

[[MORE]]

if you're a fucking transmed you deserve to rot. like actually. I'm 1 day post top surgery, and I gotta say I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. the relief for me personally is massive but I'm also in so much fucking pain and am incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not usually squeamish but my drains make me nauseous. I had to fast, and now I can only eat small bits at a time or else I get mad nausea. it's not easy. it's so not easy. and I've had to go through so much shit to get here, and it's been hard the entire way through and will continue to be as I heal. the fact that this kind of suffering is something yall transmeds think is mandatory in order to be trans is astounding and so so SO selfish. how dare you insist that you must hate your body and yourself, and subject yourself to physical harm and medical intervention in order to be who you are. how fucking dare you. I've bound for almost 3 years now, and every second of it was hell. was it necessary for me, personally? absolutely. was getting surgery necessary for me personally? of course. was going on hormones necessary for me personally? definitely. IS IT NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE? FUCK NO

how fucking dare you insist that you MUST suffer in order to be trans. that you can't just love your body as it is, love your voice, your chest or lack thereof, your genitals, your everything. being trans is not suffering. being trans is a happy thing. I made these changes for myself BC I knew they would make me happier. but it hasn't been easy and I wouldn't EVER think of forcing another trans person to be in such pain all the time, whether it be from binding, tucking, having to inject needles, or anything else. you are allowed to love yourself as is. you are allowed to take your health into consideration and make choices surrounding your transition that you transmed fucks don't see as valid or traditional. you are allowed to be fucking trans and to love it. it is not a fucking illness. we are not sick. we do not need to be fixed. what you want to do with your body in order to feel right is up to you. but forcing other people to live up to your (extremely binary cis oriented might I add) standards just bc you hate yourself and your transness is what's really sick. it's a highkey abusive shame tactic. y'all need fucking therapy.

I'm on a lot of pain meds rn bc as I said, I'm 1 day post op lying in bed in a lot of pain, and it's making me so angry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!!!!!!!! I'm so happy and relieved but the process is horrendous!!!! binding was horrendous!!!! the fact that this is seen as a necessary step is so fucked up to me. the way y'all transmeds talk remind me of the cis psychologist who assessed me for surgery and a) outed me to my abusive mother and b) wouldn't take me seriously until I cut my hair and started dressing really masc even though I'm more androgynous at heart !!! I cannot believe the way y'all treat your own brethren, your own community, just bc you have self hatred and self worth problems. and don't even get me started on cis transmeds. you're literally just transphobes. trans transmeds are also transphobic but man, if you're cis and you're in this shit you are seriously overstepping and are a MASSIVELY transphobic shitheel who deserves to uhhhh choke!

I literally can't believe the entitled fuckery y'all get up to. and you can't even come for me bitch BC I have done aaaaall the things yall think are mandatory. I'm literally healing from surgery rn. and I STILL think y'all are fucked in the head and need help. how fucking dare you. I could say it over and over again. how fucking dare you. what an absolutely rotten piece of shit do you have to be to insist trans people must have a painful existence in order to be trans? do you know how sick binding has made me? my stomach is fucked up and I need to retrain my lungs to breathe deeper, plus I couldn't work out bc I could literally die if I did that while binding and my dysphoria wouldn't let me unbind. so I'm weak and have gained weight and have nearly cracked my ribs so many times. I almost died last Christmas BC I hiked in the snow while binding and Literally couldn't breathe afterwards. who the fuck would insist that other folks must endure this kind of shit? what kind of sadistic, sick fuck do you have to be to wish that kind of suffering on your own Community? y'all need jesus I stg

[blondecoffeecake]

Sunshine Time!

YES, BECAUSE THIS STILL APPLIES.      

And because WHO doesnt deserve a bit of extra sunshine? I love you damn nerds. Yall keep me happy on the hardest of days.

@missselinakitty

Let us start with this bih right here -- WHATS GOOD SELINA!?

The Squirrel to my Moose, the House to my Wilson, this nerd is in the top tier of my most favorite people in the world. She knows me better than anyone. She’s hilarious. She’s feisty. She speaks her mind. She’s one of the most learn-ed peoples that I know and she keeps me grounded (but on my toes) every damn day. 

When life has tried to kick her in the dick, she has bounced back faster and harder than anyone I’ve ever met. I wish I could be as brave and resilient and committed and determined and confident as her someday. Because she’s so determined and confident, I hate her and love her (and like her) I am so grateful to have one of the most AMAZING people on the planet to call my best friend.

*~*~*~*~*~

@sundog-fl

My ride or die. Mein true seestor. My LOVE. She is my heart. My seestor is the most giving, hard-working and humble person I’ve ever met. God, the experiences she’s had to endure have made her so strong and sweet (and she’s NEVER let it turn her hard. I am in awe of her strength.) 

My seestor has saved my life on so many occasions (literally, emotionally, spiritually and figuratively) and she inspires me every single day to follow my heart and my dreams. I love her so much. I don’t deserve her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

@mistyrydia

My Baconcakes! The Usagi to my Minako (or is she the Minako to my Usagi?) and the Original Metal Queen. I’m so blessed to have met this amazing Viking Warrior Princess. We share so many quirky things in common and her soul is one of the brightest and sweetest out there.

She is practically DRIPPING with talent -- her art is phenomenal, you should go check it out and give her a follow -- she writes, she plays a TON of instruments, she even freaking composes music.

She just. Is so wonderful and patient with me. I can’t.

(Baconcakes, I love you with all my yeti-love. NO TAKE MIRROR)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

@thewhiterabbit42

OHHHMYGOD. *bounces in circles* I’m so excited!! Oh Megs. My Megs. 

My sweetest and most amazing waifu.

I am so, so, SO happy that we’ve become friends. (A little bit of backstory: I devoured all of her writings offsite before working up the courage to FINALLY comment on one of her posts here on the Tumblrz, and tell her how awesome I think both she and her works are. AND AFTER MY RABID FANGIRLING, SHE STILL LET ME BECOME HER FRIEND.)

Let me tell you, I do NOT deserve this lady. Her talent is absolutely mindblowing. 

(A second backstory: She let me in on an RP Blog she had created, based on the promise of doodles, which I had delivered on, (kinda,) and while she supported and encouraged me on my art (which I had given up on at this point) she also took the time to encourage me to start up on writing entries in the blog as well. And the encouragement was so badly needed at a time in my life where I felt everything I did ended in complete utter FAIL. So, I will always be eternally grateful for that.)

In addition to being one of the funniest, sassy, genuine and refreshing souls I’ve ever encountered, she’s also one of the strongest. She balances so many different things in her personal, professional and artistic life that it makes my head spin. 

And that’s OUTSIDE of the Internet.

I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s an ACTUAL superheroine. This woman works SO hard on everything she does and expects nothing in return -- she is such a strong and inspiring woman and I cherish the fact that I get to call her my friend. Again, I don’t deserve her, so I’ll continue to send her gifs, and music, and random shitty ideas that go absolutely nowhere (but will at least make her chuckle or roll her eyes at me.) SHE GIVES ME LIFE. I LOVE YOU, WAIFU.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

@sumara62

SUZY. IS. THE. BEST. Let me tell you why: Besides the fact she’s my dahling, and that she’s a phenomenal friend, and she always checks up on me, and sends me the best gifts, and always makes time for me if I’m having a sad day, she shares her help and time and skills with so many people, without expecting anything in return. I met Suzy through Megs and by playing on the previously mentioned RP blog that they ran. She was also kind enough to nurture my little artsy soul and gave the most amazing (and helpful) feedback when it came to dishing out posts (that could never hold a candle to theirs.) This woman is one of the smartest ladies I know. A true renaissance woman, I’m amazed with how she shares so much of her knowledge and skillsets; her insight and advice is something I truly value EVERY single time she offers it to me.   She also happens to beta for a bunch of people in our little Tumblr community, which, I’d imagine is an undertaking in itself with all you talented writers. Her dedication blows me away! GO FOLLOW HER.

I LOVE YOU SUZY, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO GOOD TO ME WHEN I YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

@nobodys-baby-now

Let me explain. ...no. There is too much. Let me sum up.

VEEEEEEEE. I  love you so much! Why do you put up with me?! (I’m dead-ass serious, I’m such a dork. I don’t deserve you.)

This girl is so much fun, I wish I was half as cool as her. Vee has such a big heart and is so unashamedly dedicated to her friends, her fandoms and crafts. She’s another one of these amazing renaissance women that I keep collecting -- She draws, she paints, she writes, she INSPIRES. She gets my weird sense of humor. She appreciates my equally weird taste in music. And she makes me laugh. Like, all the time. My face hurts from all the smiles that she gives.

AND SHE FRICKEN MADE ME ART. AND JEWELRY. SKJFDGHKJSDGF. WHY ARE YOU SO INCREDIBLE?!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

@girl-next-door-writes

*blender noises* Holy shit *slams her hands on the table* You guys need to stop what you’re doing and check her out. Talk to her, RP with her, or just get into any sort of fandom discussion with this beautiful babe. I love how varied her fandom range is and how easily she can portray the wide array of characters in her stories. Oh, and her gif-game is SO on point.

I forgot to mention -- Y’all watch out. Crowley’s Queen, Our One True Queen of Hell is among us. It’s her. And she is an absolute delight.

I am SO happy that we have become friends, darling!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

@rowdyhooliganism

EEEE! I’m so excited about her, y’all. What. A. Wonderful. Gal.                                                                                       

*whispers* So, candidly speaking, I totally didn’t know there were other people who appreciated/loved the angel Gadreel in the Supernatural series. He’s not got the best reputation with the fanbase.

I was recommended to her by some of the ladies above and holy shit. This girl. The way she can paint a scene. Or write a character mannerism. Every story she writes, she does the characters justice in SO many ways. ESPECIALLY GADREEL.

Her talent makes my soul cry.

She’s even written me drabbles in the past, and I am SO not ashamed to admit that I read them on the regular at least once a week. (ASDHHSDAGFS that’s the quickest way to my heart right now.) I LOVE THIS LADY SO MUCH.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Then... last but certainly not least.. there’s the Gadreel/Tahmoh HAREM that I have had the absolute pleasure of frequenting (There’s a fun thought -- I doubt Gadreel’d even know what to do with one, mwahaha.)

@icecream-and-gadreel @kittenofdoomage @room-with-a-cat and @authoressskr 

(*sweating*) is it hot in here?

I’ll admit, I haven’t had the opportunity to have many one-on-one conversations with these talented ladies, but Chuck knows that I blow up their damn notifications with likes and reblogs and comments. I’m pretty sure they’re all sick of my shit.

ALSO, THEY’RE JUST OVERALL AMAZING PEOPLE IN GENERAL. I HOPE WE CAN BECOME BETTER FRIENDS. *is my rabid fangirl showing?*

~*~*~*~*~*~*

TLDR; You nerds are the best. And I cannot tell you enough about how proud I am of EACH and EVERY one of you. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, your inspiration, and your friendship. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. <3

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I woke up again and there was someone pulling at by me like tug of war. Over my body. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom away from the situation. But I was In So much pain.

The pulling helped but ... Like there's no solution.

Snoop helped me many years ago about 6 or 7 to get on the right medication to stabilize my heart and to get me all better and healthier with the help of pills.

He is the only one that did. I wrote about him but used his personal name "Calvin"

Because he was my personal friend. My personal guidance counselor.

He was with me every minute of the day "you need to take a pill about right now I see that pain about to be kicking up"

"You think you can get a different medication not like weed but a pill because this one ain't working"

He was truly my doctor. So i respected him and his privacy and just called him Calvin.

So marrying on his date of choice... "But why snoop?"

I'll give you two reasons. One he was my doctor that got me to the actual local doctor that could prescribe.

Two the whole fold out was over the world wide drug addictions y'all have. Y'all all know you're doing less recreational drugs during rehab with your family and friends in your house -- i mean Quarentine. Wow that secret came out quick out my mouth.

79% less "street" drug use worldwide.

To celebrate 4.20.2020 is an appropriate date..

The 20.20.20.20 goes on and in indefinite.

Y'all know Snoop smoke for a reason and he drink and he take Tums. Like no mother effer know.

Here's our momma helping yall find it. Follow her face she point right down to it.

Same ole game. The Distraction Method.

They went to have sex and her I am all now look and focus on these here Tums. I ain't even wanting to share the post but it's a good PSA for all. So i will.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B92p2Z2H9WW/?igshid=1xwks2o8nb2p5

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on Mar 17, 2020 at 4:56pm PDT

Best Friens. We always got each other's back.

And we got yours. We got safer and healthier and funner FDA approved street drugs.

We will honor old time commitment of old fashioned door to door street sales. Face to face.

Of the Human entitlement. That is something our bodies can and will do without provoking dangerous pain... Just stiffness at times y'all forget to stretch and use them muscles but getting up and walking next door for door to door sales will stretch them body parts right up correct.

I had to get on a "new" prescription today. Hopefully my doctor honors it. I asked for an emergency prescription and I'll talk to her about my other, toppamax in a few weeks.

But Snoops was the one that said I needed something for Fibromyalgia. And encouraged and helped and watched me to ensure I was okay.

He is the one that prayed and worried when the muscle relaxers were too strong and i couldn't swallow. And i could died. Because of Flexeril. Because I been on it too long and it was approved for two weeks max. So i got on a completely different medication for it. And it worked for every day long term yearly use.

So he believes in the world's herbs and medicine. Chamomile. Ginger. Rose Hips. Echinacea.

So four twenty will go on.

I always and he did felt like 420 honors the Earth and its medicine. Not just getting high. But the spirit of Mother Nature.

So marrying on 420 symbolizes that Mother Nature will Continue on. Humans are marrying not just their soulmates and/or Just accepting them as they are.

They are committing themselves to our Planet and it's health and wealth

Hence y'all Quarentine.

Y'all going inside and fighting back this illegal alien caused diseases. Although we committed to changing it and wanting it to spread. Y'all fight the sole reason of its existence. Illegal aliens trying to take control by damaging our precious and beloved planet that we belong to.

Not everyone is getting married. Only y'all on Ships and those in Compton on a specialized piece of magic made equipment approved by Mother Nature.

The ships y'all are on run by paddles 110% guaranteed not to harm sea or wild life. I have committed to Mother Nature and all she loves when building those ships. And to yours and our safety and sanity aboard.

These ships cause no pollution and are sanitized by lights that recharge by laying on ships docks when they run out of energy.

Jesse Number 2 helped me design a way to capture UV rays that are harmless. Not radio active. And perfect to sanitize. What makes laundry clean and crisp in the sun. What we used to long ago to sanitize and clean all our instruments BEFORE aliens came with microwaves. Light form the Sun. So Jesse Number 2. I'll tell you right now. He is Einstein.

So his getting in trouble and kicked outta school. It ain't gonna end. In fact i used that theory he was a bad boy. I left it in him. I didnt correct him. I let that evil sniffer inside him. Because I knew one day that mischief could be used to my benefits. He is so loving and his desire to reach others to teach and be a Nigger is so strong he can't handle it. And his hate for aliens. So deep he had to experiment a way to dispose of them all without the use of magic so it's automatic done.

His wish is granted. Einstein I thank you for Your mischief. Your complete soul level on your own not including your soulmate or any others you drag along with you (kids like me) is -141812711219102.

For your development in Science.

Social level is about 3.

My science level is a little less than yours. Setting about 12 shelves down.

Snoop Science level is -4120191218451687431.

But he's inactive. Thus he is a fortune of information. And has a Science Tree named after him -- which means it captures his personality -- his spirit. And he hides behind the Tree of Einstein adding in deluxe phrases and at times mischief.

The difference is that Snoop knows the words to express what Einstein does. While Einstein only has the heart. So things go wrong at times when it has a delicate balance such as plutonium bombs.

Unfortunately they were stolen from Einstein.

So in the science Scale Eisenstein is lower because of his inability to speak and only feel.

He is autistic mute. Which is why he got kicked out of school. Be aware of the different children you have in the world and how gifted they are. Learning the story of Beethoven will change your entire world and understanding of disabilities.

Einstein cannot perform if must speak.

Snoop doesn't wanna get his hands dirty but he can explain a performance

So the rest of the time with Einstein will be posted and you'll see the truth behind the bombings that closed the NHRA.

I didn't want my babies working. I didn't want them having the stress of competition with each other. I just wanted them to stop for a little while and clear their heads of all that traffic going to their minds.

And let them do what they needed most. War. To finish this fight against human trafficking.

Its not over. Quarantine is for your safety So no one is stolen or bought. We can keep track of you easier.

This is why we meme The Corona.

Because there's a serious SERIOUS real reason we are stopping people from being in the streets.

No one can drug and kidnap you If every one is hyper aware of getting sick

A BIG TIME KIDNAPPER NATHANIEL RELEASED THE KILLER VIRUS INTO CHINA. 175709 EXPERT E. WAS THE DISEASE NAME. THE SOLE. THE #1 ISSUE IS THE CONCRETE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING HAPPENING.

This is why we chose not to eradicate the virus. We could yall know. That's why it's in meme.

Jazmine didn't know she followed her heart and voted to change. Her vote was the deciding vote. It was split down the middle. From her spine her backbone for her soul she shouts "Thank y'all for listening to your hearts, too!!!" My kids were scared. Sometimes panic stricken. But they kept going because they knew in their hearts it had to be done. Jazmine says "i didn't know how strong I could be. We've never poisoned so many people!!! But mom and North Korea made it fun and saw how necessary it was. Thank you Kim Young Jon!"

"Kim Young Jon really lighted our hearts to allow us to continue our mission by making jokes about constipation and such So we really just tried to give it to those folks that are evil with constipation!! And it worked! And we feel much better because we had help from the leader of North Korea, Kim Young John" adds Chastity. The quiet one no one knows about. Because she's Chaste. Celibate. Celebration. The girl behind the power of Purity and Joy. "No one knows but I do like my job. Like a lot!"

She admits its been hard and i found All the girls on TV last night so dad will edit in How you can find tree filmed life for them

I will say you will see my kids telling their dad they will date and/or marry them. Its not a daddy complex or sugar daddy thing. It was to keep illegal aliens from taking over his body and also trying to marry him. Keeping him safe and pure for me. So understand that and you can see the films proper. They are tricks. To prove love and devotion to their parent's marriage. They go on "dates" but it's little 3 year old toddlers going out with their Father. It is pure. Just realize the plot lines.... Its sneaky mystery. He knows they are his kids and they know he is their dad. Its simple. Its s conglomerate camouflage to protect themselves, me and dear old dad. Its a real beauty and treasure to see.

And now due to the Ocean Wide Marriage of Mother Nature using her soulmates as power. Never do those occurrences have to happen again.

Now I can say "it's daddy date time lets get you all ready" I can get all my girls dressed and ready and go out with my sons. Then we switch. "Its mommy date time" and the girls get all ready.

Because we are keeping it feminine and old fashion where the girls are taken out for a romantic evening and the parents teach the children proper etiquette and dating procedures.

So the movies he posts are a prelude to our future fun. Although they were seriously and honestly protecting his life.

So although our children are and will be married we will still intervene and remind them to change things up a bit. Come out with us on 2 trial runs check your comfort, expand your mind. Then go out single and have fun.

My mom all my mom's have had agoraphobia. So i get it too, sometimes. So this helps me. So when he wants to take me out someplace unfamiliar to me, new and strange. I am more relaxed. And I enjoy it more. Because I've gone with 2 groups to basically go check the place out for its saftiness and quality.

So, im happier knowing he's picked a good safe place for me to enjoy.

But agoraphobia aside. It is simply beautiful.

Its a Mary Poppins trait. Take the kids. See if it is kid approved then take the whole family to impress the damming father of their knowledge of the restaurant

Its a rich NYC establishment of Socialite traits.

Its absolutely historical. And missing on this Earth.

Our Steam ships will provide times for those "dates" for everyone aboard.

Its great for large families. I have 16 daughters. In groups of 8 we have a nice large meal and great table outing where we can talk and laugh and enjoy each other

Our plans are 2 girl dates and 4 boy dates per week then 1 large dinner table for all.

We have 18 boys.

So two groups of girls of 8 each.

2 groups of boys 9 each.

That's 4 nights of switching with mom and dad.

2 nights of single dates and/or brother sister switch dates which pushes a week into 2 week time frame for specialties.

Every 6 weeks.

Then dinner dates with entire family.

So trees arrange every thing the tables and set up so we can relax, all plans are premwde and preset and predictable. Based on patterns of behavior.

Like I know a 2 week one is a mystery adventure so it's got practical jokes and such to be tricky thus the dinners also have 6 family dinners.

Its spooky scary so kids scream, "I want my mommy!!"

So we all feel good and right as a family it's a live show and humans do it with magic so,then,we also take our turn to do them at their dinner and we dine earlier to make plans.

So the plans aren't laid out. We have bets and guesses what one will do we made long long ago. So we make money that way.

Because we are wealthy. But also for the "lower classes of finances" the mystery solving does earn money. Including Some for wild and fun completely wrong theories will earn a grand prize if it is a solid and GOOD foundation i can build on. There's tons of prizes and fun.

Every 6 weeks. Because the best schools have 6 weeks intercourses then a grade.

So ours is 6 weeks of yall being you then us performing a show and fucking your minds and lives all up for 2 weeks

So when you get home and kids do go to school it is 6 weeks of school. 3 weeks off 2 of which include vacation of international travel.

Which means you go to NYC visit Little Italy. Or you go to San Antonio and visit the Alamo. Go to Alaska and find a Russian Muesuems. Or you simply stay home and go to Muesuems of the past i have created.

International travel does include watching movies of REAL LIFE which will be labeled correctly or if incorrectly a prize for labeling correct like Snoop ssys in this video.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on Mar 17, 2020 at 10:00am PDT

Note y'all all will have enough money to go over seas but sometimes your family will come visit you. Or you just need rest or wanna explore your own territory.

So history is considered international travel. So you can look at your own home tree made movies.

Then you earn a prize. A souvenir.

So you watch you and you be all dam man i love this lamp i keep seeing. -- i for real bought this lamp and it was so filled with love all i wanna do is wrap,my arms around it.,Idk,why but i miss it and I want it back so bad. I'd take it on vacation i love that big ass lamp. -- so if i see it and i can label every single person correctly in that movie. Then i get the lamp.

So say you know something was destroyed. Broke to high Hell. Dumped in the garbage lit on fire.

Momma gonna get it for you. Out of 8 tons of trash on top of it. And I gonna fix it how you loved it. You had a sticker on the bottom of your eye rolling phone? It will be there. Just the way you had It.

It don't matter what happened to it. I'll magic find it. Fix and you'll get it. All magic. All you gotta do is love that object with your whole being.

Mary Poppins. I won't even know. But momma gonna get it.

Now, ole George had something you wanted... Fine old diamond ring and watch set you always slipped an eye to.

Daddy gonna buy you one Just like it. Father Christmas aka Christopher Columbus promised it Will get built. All your favorites.

Now we say we gonna do it. But we asked the true magic God could we please??.

In 2008 he said in 2020 y'all waited enough.

So we take that credit from nursery rhymes because we are the messengers m

If my father is The One True God

And he created just this planet just for me to keep me safe and it was invaded.

Then I would be Jesus a girl. And i have found out i can not forgive. So welcome to Corona.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Fear 06/06/20

So I've talked about many things in my recent bogs bit have not spoken about the limitations that come with having anxiety. This, as per usual had a trigger warning for self-harm anxiety, sexual assault and also suicide mentions, oh and stalking if that's a trigger (funnnn yayyyy).

In the past, I have let my anxiety take over my life in certain parts as a child I was timid. I hated talking to others and struggled to ask for help in class. I was mostly alone and hated most the attention on me so, therefore, I didn't like my birthday because this was always all on me.

My anxiety started to get really bad in year 7 when I started the shithole school I was at, it tore my mental health apart and threw the bits in the air as they celebrated the victory of taking my life over. I thought being shy was just me being nervous. I enjoyed drama a lot I used to do productions outside of school. As soon as it hit GCSE, I did take drama I never regretted it my teacher was very helpful when it came to anxiety and stuff so she would let me do my performances in front of her. One of my friends would do the lighting and encourage me. It helped to have that connection with her that she'd look out for me.

Once college started, I gave up participating in performances. My Anxiety and panic attacks took over me. It was like a wave had suddenly hit me. I was stuck under a stream of anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illnesses. I could barely breathe its what anxiety felt like my panic attacks were very regular id have at least 5 a day just thinking about going outside because people will look at me and judge me it didn't help alongside this I had a lot of stuff to deal with my home life, My self harm my depression and other lovely wonderful traumas.

So after school, I gave up the thing I loved the most drama I used to love being able to be someone else for that hour and forget the problems I used to love the feeling of thinking of a drama piece and being able to script it and performed I loved it.

As soon as college, my anxiety as I have said already got very bad unbearable it began to be bad at the end of school. Still, I continued in drama my panic attacks were bad though before any drama lesson id go into the bathroom have a panic attack self-harm and go in with a smile like nothing had just happed my friend at the time also got anxious about performing wed help each other out with it.

Throughout college, I lost this interest in drama the thought of performing made me feel sick even going to college was enough to trigger a panic attack and Id have multiple in the daytime college first year wasn't a pleasant experience in college was the 2nd time id been sexually assaulted by the same person the college never helped it was traumatising it was on one of the days I had math tutoring my tutor was lovely. She was worried about me this whole experience knocked my anxiety far back and took the person I used to be I was a shadow of myself I still am working on getting that light again,And getting who I used to be back. I'm not going into the assault, but I will do in another blog.

 I will say as much as I hated the job sometimes it helped me a bit with my anxiety as I serve people ice cream, so I have to socialise this did help me massively.

Second-year came around the first day I went to induction was hard as by my previous college I was told id never get far. I wouldn't be able to achieve, so they offered me to do my GCSEs again. I had passed English, and the way that college treated me made me feel was awful. So I moved the morning of induction day I felt sick as frick. It wasn't pleasant. I   had few panic attacks in the quiet corner of the bus and went in it turned to out to be a good day.

I had applied for a course in level 2., but the guy I talked to said I had enough grades to get into level 3 so it was good.

I  got into level three, My anxiety was still terrible. I barely spoke to anyone in the first week or so.

I would wait until the tutor let us go and id practically run out the classroom to either the library or home depending on whether it was hometime or not I was too anxious to socialise with anyone I was like this all the time.

I never asked for help when I needed it having my learning difficulties really affected this as well, I struggled with my written work and maths but was too anxious to ask for help, and I was dyspraxic as fuck.

The third year in college was very hard as all of my friends had moved on and moved off of college or different courses. I struggled with my anxiety massively. After all of my issues, I was back in therapy and finally diagnosed with  Major depression, social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder which I was given medication for. Still, they ended up triggering a lot of panic attacks at the start but began to help after a while.

 I hid away a lot when I wasn't at college, in fact, my anxiety got so bad that in march of 2019 I gave college up didn't go to college whatsoever my anxiety had got me into a vicious circle of not going in and then getting too anxious to go back into college. So I gave up luckily, my college was still able to give me a qualification they took into account my awful mental state.

My mum has never been the nicest to me, so she didn't know when I was at college I was actually at my mate's house I couldn't face telling them I had a bad panic attack every time I thought about it so they would meet me every morning and id go to their house for the day then come back home after and act like it was college.

Around this time was the time I had an issue with a stalker he was on the bus one day and asked where a particular stop was so I being a good bean I told him, it happened to be the same one as me. That was that reasonable right? Yes, but it wasn't after some time he'd wait for me at the bus stop and 'walk with me' aka stalk me home I was clever though and went to a completely different area and said that was my house and waited till he fucked off. Then id go back I would get into shit for being late home my parents were assholes about it I didn't tell them about all of this.

This went on for about a month, and then I told my friend he encouraged me to call the police. So I did he was there for it he helped me through it. They gave me a lot of support throughout all of this, which set my anxiety off very severely, but they understood my situation.

One evening I was in my room heard a knock at the door my dad got it and called me I came down the stairs and my heart sunk it was the police, I felt so sick in my throat. And I sheepishly walked down the stairs and into the front room. They came to have a chat about all of this, and they were lovely police officers and was very understanding. I think they could see how anxious I was.

After this, I went back upstairs after trying to fight off a panic attack for the whole meeting thingy if you can call it that in the living room. I got upstairs, and my mum shouted for me. I got yelled at for having a stalker, yes I got punished because some dude decided 'hey imma stalk you now give you lifelong trauma' it's not like I was like 'HEY STALK ME' It was rough I went back into my room cut and had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. You know that feeling when you're in your room trying not to cry too loud holding your hand on your mouth trying not to let anyone hear you well that was what it was like that night. I fell asleep with a blade in my hand crying wishing i wasn't born.

Ever since that I haven't gotten off at the stop in the centre, I always get off early I'm too scared to do otherwise and get off in the usual place.

Summer was hard for my anxiety especially with university coming closer and closer, and I didn't know what was going on with it this was making me more and more anxious my home situation wasn't too great either.

 I wanted to get out of my home. Still, I didn't know what was happening with it once I found out where I was going I didn't have time to think about it as that week I had to apply for accommodation then that weekend I was moving in the next day freshers week began. I was anxious and too scared to trust people being in a flat was hard. Still, I met some pretty amazing people in this I would not change this for anything if the other university asked me  I would turn it down anyway because I'm happy with where I am.

I feel like university has changed me yes I was very very anxious at the start and have had ups and downs with it with my mental health the trauma train making a lot of stops in my head. With the downs, I have met many amazing people. I have even gotten back into drama with doing musical theatre yes I did stop it for a bit, but that was when shit hit the fan again. My medication started up again. I loved musical theatre it helped me with my anxiety a lot. I met lots and lots of lovely human beings there. They are like a family even though I wasn't noticed much I was always quiet and to myself so I don't think I really made an impact on anyone there. Still, oh well they helped me a lot.

 But there you go another blog of Dino chats shit gets distracted goes off-topic went back onto topic and written over one thousand words. Fun.

But thank you all for reading my shitty blogs more about me complaining about how rough life can be and how shit things are. Still, they do get better I promise you this is probably the shittest blog I've done as I've kinda slightly rushed it I wanted to get it up for yall as I've been saying for ages ill upload (Not that anyone actually follows my blogs oof)But I did it anyway 

But as i usually do anxiety affects, everyone, even if you're not professionally diagnosed with it everyone gets anxiety and its okay to feel anxious don't beat yourself up for it or even hate yourself for being anxious it's alright I'm here if anyone needs me you can message me anytime love ya.

As I usually do  Here are some helplines if you are struggling with anxiety and panic or/and anxiety attacks thank you all again stay strong my human beans thanks for reading another shitty blog that is longer than it should be as I said I'm always here. If you need me inbox me (on Tumblr) or message me on anything I'm here still will be I care about you, YES YOU the person who read all of my blogs or skipped to the end if so I don't blame you, but I care, love, ya.

Here you go :

NHS Anxiety:https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/understanding-panic/

NHS mental health support: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Young minds on anxiety: https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

Love

Dino the dyslexic blogger xx

[celestialallstars]

Episode #3: "Make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent" - Mo

So first off WOOOOO! The vote happened exactly as it was supposed to. I'm hoping that means I'm actually on the pulse of this tribe. I've gradually been getting closer to Jared, and I think he trusts me probably more than I trust him.

Second off, this challenge my god. I hate it, like it's a good challenge but for me... oof. Doing this, it's like I have facial dyslexia or something. Like all of the mouths and eyes start blending together and it just starts to look nuts.

I'm hoping to keep trudging forward, if we somehow pull a win out of this, even better if Cyrena goes to tribal again given it was basically unanimous. Alternatively Orfeo to balance things out. I'm tired though and it's been a long day, so it is now time to sleep.

I’m conflicted because I so badly want to be a bad bitch and create an over the top plan but there’s such a high chance that it will flop and make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent. So I’m going to try to create my own kinda of genius that only applies to me. It sounds stupid but it’ll work. I’m being bold by saying it’ll work cus if I get eliminated I’ll look like a Doofenshmirtz. We’ll see. I’m already making charts to help me see who’s good and who’s not so good at comps. Comparing teammates to eachother and comparing the entire cast to eachother. Wish me luck. (Also I love everyone in this cast.)

So like I have so many mixed feelings about this cast. In terms of talking a lot of them are BORING or LEAVE ME ON READ, and like maybe for some it’s cause I’m not in their tribe but like, some people on my tribe still make me want to hit my head against a rock. So like that’s what I’m feeling.

Also think we’re gonna loose this immunity which I’ve hardly done anything for. So go me.

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Just a small update Mitch and I are chatting so that answers that question

"What's going on?" Well I shall tell you Anna Jane exactly what is going on. I need to get back into therapy that's what.

Apparently everyone is stressed about results and then there is me who does not care cause I want bodhi gone cause he legit doesn't talk to me so meh.

ALSO ALISSA FOUND AN IDOL QUEEEN. so we now have an idol between the 3 of us which could come in handy very much later down the road which we love! I have 100% trust in jack and alyssa now, with mo as my number 3 on this tribe. As much as i love tobi personally (hi tobi reading this post season) but like idk something is still off. he hasn't spoken much game to me at the moment so idk where his head is really at..

god help us its results this challenge was hard woo go cyrena!

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we lost by 1 point. oh my god. 1 point. that makes me wanna cry. dear god let this be a simple vote or i will actually start crying

WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE ON THE SHITTY TRIBE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THERE SOME SICK SATISFACTION OF ME ALWAYS GOING TO TRIBAL????? FUCK

I am SO pumped! I do feel bad for the people on Cyrena, but where it stands now, them going to tribal I feel is best for my game just relationship-wise for me. Still, I can only hope I am making few bonds over on their end while maintaining the ones I have on my tribe and Tuatha as well. I do really hope Mo at least makes it because he helped me this morning when I was getting bummed about all the winner talk. I'm quite optimistic for right now!

I Wrote Alexis Maxwell But I Erased It

Well we won the challenge (BARELY), a bit annoyed that we submitted before I got another chance to take a crack at the photos. I feel like I could've maybe found 1 or 2 more before we submitted. Granted we'd need to have found either 3 more or beaten Orfeo to the punch if we had wanted the reward.

I think so long as Bodhi doesn't go on Cyrena I'm pretty indifferent about them losing. They're the people I talk to the least relatively. Ideally I'd probably want an Alyssa, or Matt boot, but I have no influence so we'll see what happens.

I'm just trying to be social and relatively unimposing right now. It's Day 8, now's not the time to be doing glaringly bold things.

um so we won wooh but still no 2nd idol im sad i want one. um wanted green tribe to go tribal but blue going again i hope bodhi/jack/alyssa leave cuz they dont talk to me ever um ya thatd be cute or maybe tobi cuz hes a snake but maybe he not a snake this time? my stan list atm is jared > zach = rhys > loris = chloe > everyone else. my unstan list is: sharky jack alyssa mitch <3 um yaa hope i can do sth. chris so good gotta always watch out for him jared asked who i wanted to go to f3 with and i said def not chris and he was like oh i wanted chris in end so like hes def a threat also he likes zach so um that needs to stop real quick.

I think it should be Bodhi or Tobi to go. Am I gonna say anything? Not right now, no. Will I say something later? No clue it depends. But Bodhi isn’t as active as the others and doesn’t participate all that much. Tobi is semi-active but isn’t great at challenges. I remember him being good at challenges so idk if he’s just distracted or not putting that much energy into this. I think a swap is happening after this potentially but if it ain’t it’s still best to vote out the weakest link. It might be me and I might just be super cocky rn but I don’t think it’s me.

hi! yesterday was a monumental day. I tried to mend my social game with those I hadn’t talked much to, which resulted in me having a lengthy conversation with jack, and making me feel a bit more secure in my tribe/in the event of a swap. the people I don’t talk to keep getting voted out which I’m very much a fan of but that’s probably because they were inactive so that trend might not continue :(. also I lied in my last conf I’m now in an alliance with Chris Jared kori and Bryce? I didn’t expect it but i didn’t feel too close with kori so that should help me solidify something there!! :) I’m thriving. don’t call me ANGEL!

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don’t call me ANGEL! (in case of task challenge :p)

So we won the challenge. Again. It’s really nice to be able to just sit back and relax in the game and watch people struggle but I’m really nervous about it because we’re all so kumbaya on the Oreo tribe that I don’t fully know who I can trust just yet. Another piece of tea is the fact that Alyssa has an idol which is great for me because it shows Alyssa trusts me and I can trust her for the time being. However I’m worried about Alyssa because we keep promising each other merge which tells me she won’t want to go to the end with me just yet so I gotta keep her close and we’ll see how much damage we can do but i think I’m thriving bc I actually know where an idol is compared to last time when I had no clue.

so previously on The Adventures of a F*g, i had a small breakdown about the game. i dont know if true, but bryce informed me of an alliance between kori/jared/bryce/loris/chris, and the last two named are super close allies of mine (the closest on my tribe). they like.. didnt tell me shit about it and idk i guess i just feel excluded and it sucks that im in legit 0 (real) alliances. ive been doing good socially i thought and i dont know but i feel like i really sucked.

meanwhile, i sat down with a bag of salt and vinegar lays chips and talked to myself. why was i doing bad? why was i in 0 alliances? why no one like me?

then it hit me... like boom.

i realized that a typical flaw i had this game was caring too much. i pride myself on my ability to read situations (barring paranoia) and i know myself very well. like, i realized that since i was too concerned with doing good and proving myself, i kind of lost the fun of it all and probably come off as fake or forcible to other people. that isn't authentic.

BUT MY EPIPHANY increased even further. how? i dont know!! my brains so fucking big. i just had to be goofy. yes, i want to do good. i really do. but i played once before in this series and got RU pots and 5th. i know i am capable of being a good player and im content with that, and now that im moving into that mindset where this game wont no longer dictate whether im good or bad, im going to start having fun.

i know this isnt about game really but its like... #selfdiscovery

but ya i just wanted to update yalls on that. i won immunity though so im f18 and probs in swap. woo. finna get fucked. anyway, thank u.

and since i want like attention on this post im going to put tags.

#selfdiscovery #justgirlythings #l4l #follow4follow #gay #faggot #0alliances #disney #anime #weeb #lgbt #survivor #bigbrother #celestial

After we won the face morph challenge, it has been pretty slow. I still have a solid group with me Stephen Z and Jared. Kori and Bryce are close, Jared and I are close, Rhys and Jared are close, and Stephen and I are close. Those are the allegiances I know of right now, but things could change. Lucky for the alliance of 5, they all get to stick together. If there is a swap though, I won't hesitate to flip on bryce/rhys/kori if the opportunity presents itself. I am also kind of worried I am not keeping up socially. I have had a busy week, so my availability is limited, but I try to talk to as many people as I can when I am available. If my predicitons are correct, we should expect a swap soon. I'd love to meet up with Michael, Bodhi, Alyssa, Chloe, Drew, and Mo just to name a few. I feel like I have been able to connect well with everyone except Matt H.

So, as per my last confessional we are at tribal. And I'm conflicted. As said before I have an alliance with jack and Alyssa and they are my main 2 at the moment like love them both. We helped Alyssa find the idol and we now have a vote steal which I found. However I am feeling kinda conflicted over this vote. Jack and Alyssa want to get rid of Tobi but I personally want bodhi gone. He doesn't talk to me like at all and like he's not the best at challenges. I wanna keep Tobi as well for like a laugh because I genuinely love him. We all agreed to keep mo thank god but still, a lil conflicted. AGH. I have found a vote steal tho woo. I'm not going to be happy but I'll swallow my pride and just go with the alliance, because I'm not out here trying to make waves and be unloyal at the moment. That's for later LOL

I think there is a relatively high chance that i'm going home here, considering its 1 and a half hours till tribal and people "still haven't heard anything" so i'm assuming that i'm getting the chop here which sucks... I tried pretty hard considering i've been pretty busy and like they're not giving me much to work with here and it feels like im trying to break through a wall. I'm trying to get the target on bodhi but no one is fucking online to even try to talk to about it so i'm at  a lost for what to do here... I want to stay but i just don't know how to do that when no one is talking to me... i could just be extremely paranoid and i sound delusional right now but idk something feels off here... its so annoying when I enjoy talking to other tribes more than my own NNNN like i really wish things were different but they're not so i'm just gonna try my best and see what happens

Woo we win again. Im trying to step up socially with my tribe, although who knows how long it's gonna matter bc we're prob swapping tonight. Apparently people were saying mo's name, let's pray it doesn't happen bc he's a good fucking kid.

Well it's been a slow couple of days for me. In game I can't really speak much to anything that may have happened. I feel like Tuatha has had a bit of a kumbaya casual flow going on. Which isn't necessarily bad but it makes it hard for me to know how I'm really doing.

Tobi was messaging me worried it might be him, which admittedly wouldn't be the worst thing given how we ended our last game. I was kindof an ass which I kindof leaned into after essentially throwing that game, but I still wish I'd found a way to end things better with him. While there are others I'd rather see go, his boot is one I can probably accept.

If it isn't him then oof who knows then. So long as it isn't Bodhi from that tribe. Overall I'm feeling ok, but I don't want to get complacent, it's just so early that I really don't know what to make of things. One world still isn't really helping since I'm still struggling to try and make conversation with EVERYONE. I really should consider just narrowing it down to some instead of all.

I’m sure hoping this works out for me if there is a tribe swap like a suspect, I think I’ve built some strong enough connections but without going to tribal it’s just not possible for me to be 100%

I've never been on a tribe with a winning streak I feel like I'm in the upside down hahaha. I'm having a great time and getting to know everybody and not having the stress of tribal is great. Sucks for the other tribes OOP

Nothing much is happening! I am still set up perfectly on my tribe and Bodhi has informed me that either Mo or Matt might be going. That was at the beginning of the round so it could really be anyone. I just hope it isn't Bodhi Alyssa or Mo.

Ok this past round was ok. I just kind of let us lose immunity and then we voted out Tobi. I didn’t want to vote out Tobi but that fucker voted for me so I don’t really care at all fuck him.

So not very much has changed on Tuatha as far as I can tell. My tribe winning the immunity challenge has helped me delay any confrontation between my 2 alliances which is great, as it should theoretically allow me to maintain relationships with all 6 members of the tribe. Still, it's going to keep being important to win immunity or pray for a swap in order to keep these groups from clashing.

Jared and Rhys are still a ? for me. I don't know why/how Rhys was able to convince Kori to invite Jared to the alliance of 5 instead of Mitch, and it worries me that those 2 may have a stronger bond than I immediately suspected. Hopefully I'll have an opportunity to deal with that when the time comes.

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Tobi is voted out 5-1. We swap!

[chroniclelyn]

Stigma

I think I’ve prolonged this entry long enough. This one is going to be hard for me but I told myself I’d be completely transparent on this journey. So, lets talk about the elephant in the room. A Major stigma in the black community..... my dirty little secret is finally out!!!!

I’ve always been the strong friend, you know the one no one ever checks on, that’s me. The one that seemingly had I️t all together. Until one day, I completely lost I️t. My world imploded. I’ve always felt less than to my counterparts and I’m not completely sure why. I felt like I should be better, doing better, more successful, as far back as I can remember. Constantly comparing myself to others, from middle school, to high school, and into adult hood. I think everyone does this but for me I️t was different. I was worried sick about what people thought about me. About why such and such didn’t want to be my friend anymore. About why my body didn’t look like everyone else’s. Etc. etc. and so on and so on.

My world imploded probably about 5-6 years ago. I️t wasn’t one particular situation. I think I️t was just several situations that I didn’t deal with, and slowly my cup runneth over. I had this feeling of extreme hopelessness. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I even thought my friends and family would be better off if I wasn’t around. I knew I️t was bad when I called out from work (which is something I DON’T DO). I lay in bed for 5 days. I slept for 5 days. I cried for 5 days. I cried hysterically. IDK if I️t had anything to do with being a nurse or not. As a nurse I often had to take on everyone’s emotions and make I️t better, not leaving time to deal with my own shit.

I didn’t really tell anyone. In the beginning I only leaned on my best friend but even then I wasn’t 100% truthful about what/how I was feeling. I had gotten so use to basically lying to everyone. Even my closes family and friends. I was a professional at I️t too. I continued to be the life of the party at every holiday, get together etc. Once I got back home I would sink again. I even had a boyfriend at the time who thought I was “faking”. He’d say one minute your sad, then someone will call and your voice and everything changes. He didn’t understand the STIGMA. He didn’t understand that I was really good at hiding I️t because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. In the black community the STIGMA is looked down upon as weakness. I was even told I️t was Satan/Devil.

Depression is real. I️t physically hurts. I️t mentally hurts. Your spirit is dying right before your eyes and you can’t control I️t. What’s crazy is the pain I felt. I️t’s like a pain I’d never experienced. I️t was crippling. The thoughts were painful too. I wanted to die. I had thoughts about suicide but I wasn’t brave enough to take a bunch or pills, slit my wrist, didn’t have access to a gun. When I finally reached out to family, my old school mother told me to pray and I️t would go away. I’d been praying for YEARS with no relief so my prayers changed. I started to pray about car accidents that would end my life. I had prayers about running my car into a brick wall. I mean pedal to the metal crash. I was gonna floor I️t. Let’s not forget the 18 wheeler please take me out prayer. It’s sick and twisted but what people who have never experienced I️t don’t understand, I wasn’t Lynsey at this point. I was a person I didnt even know. I was no longer that bright light in several peoples lives. I was a soulless shell. I begged my creator to take this pain away and if that meant me dying I was completely fine with that. I honestly thought I was going to have to live like that forever, for me that wasn’t an option. I️t was exhausting.

One day I got up the strength to go to the doctor. I complained about “chest pain”. I was still lying. I did have chest pain but I knew what I️t was and I knew why I was having them. I had anxiety on top of depression. So initially I was prescribed Xanax 0.25 mg to relieve the anxiety. The chest pain would be so bad that I️t would take my breath away. I would have to stop what I was doing and go to quiet place, a dark place for relief. I’d close my eyes, take deep breaths and muster through. Anyway, that damn Xanax didn’t fix the problem because the problem was depression coupled with anxiety. At my follow up appointment with my doctor I let a little more out. Told him I was really sad and I didnt know why. The next prescribtion came. Celexa 25 mg once a day. I knew I️t would take 4-6 weeks for the medication to take affect, so I tried to be patient and wait. Y’all I still felt like a hopeless blob. I called the doctor for another appointment. The receptionist asked me what was wrong. I blurted out I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I DON’T CARE ABOUT LIFE. Got an appointment the next day. Yet another prescription Wellbutrin XR 30 mg for two weeks then increase to 60 mg a day. Waiting another 4-6 weeks.The doctor assured me everything was gonna be fine. That this happens to a lot of people, and I’d feel better. Now looking back I wish my doctor would have done more. I was never referred to anyone. I was kinda rushed out of the door and told to throw pills down my throat. Things could have turned out drastically different for me. Things could have turned out for the worse.

So I took all the medications I was prescribed for about 6 months to a year. THAT SHIT DIDN’T WORK Y’ALL. So I stopped cold turkey and found what little strength I had left to dig myself out. I started to work out. I starting working out twice a day. Challaging work outs. Weight training, Cycle, Bootcamp. Slowly my body started to change, my spirit started to heal. I was surprised at my strength and my will. I put my all into I️t. All the anger, all the grief. No matter how hard my work out was I didnt quit. No matter how heavy the weights were I finished the set. My diet started to change. I went hard in all aspects. Eventually, all the pain I felt went away. All the crazy thought diminished. I felt better. I felt like Lynsey Alyssa Carroll again. I cut people off who weren’t benefiting my life. I changed my thinking. IDGAF about much now. If its not my health, if its not concerning my friends or family I don’t care. I’ve changed jobs several times since then. If I’m not happy with something I let I️t go. I started to become different. The person I was meant to be. I didnt care if I️t wasn’t cookie cutter. I wore my hair how I wanted. I dressed how I wanted. I wore dark lipstick all year round lol. I’ve big chopped my hair 3 times. I didn’t have a problem standing out in a crowd. I was satisfied with not blending in. I enjoyed the simplest things, they seem to bring me the most joy. Flowers, music, painting, laughing until I cried, creating. I started doing things I didnt think I could do and once I accomplished them I felt unstoppable. (You guys, I don’t work out like I use to anymore and I miss I️t so much, saving that for another entry).

What I think really got me through was knowing my family would never be the same with out me. The thoughts of not hearing my niece and nephew scream my name when I come over. The strength that I often gave to others. The laughs would have been different at get togethers, and the conversations would have changed. The thoughts of my mother getting that call that I was gone was too much to bear. That lady is my everything and I couldn’t hurt her like that.

I know I’m not the easiest person to love but loving me is so good lol. I know I’m not a lot of peoples cup of tea. But I am who I am and I wouldn’t change anything about me for the world. I just want to thank my best friends and family for never judging me. For continuing to support me. For encouraging me in my darkest hours. For having my back through thick and thin. I LOVE YALL MORE THAN IMAGINABLE. YALL THE REAL MVP!!!!!!!

I still have my days when I feel a little down but I’m here. I’m alive. I’m living.