#Now I don’t have to carry anyone and I care about everyone in my community

[cyarsk52-20]

They think he won’t deport them because they aren’t committing crimes. Don’t call us when they do because imma be at home eating popcorn while they do it. my outrage is dead. I’m just laughing at you’re suffering like ha ha

Poor, uneducated whites are about to get fucked around come January 2025. Lmao that complexion isn’t going to save you. Y’all about to literally be in the fucking trenches because of this election, and I honestly can’t wait to see it.

[seireiteihellbutterfly]

Second Chance Sorcerer Chapter 2 - A Message

Summary: After surviving Mahito's Idle Transfiguration in the Shibuya Incident, Nanami finds himself in an unknown realm between life and death. Will he escape?

Pairing: Nanami Kento x Fem! reader

A/N: Chapter 2 is here! So we come to the world of the living where reader is grieving Nanami's death. Reader-centric chapter, but Nanami is brought up heavily. Originally made with my OC, to read that version, check out my AO3 account, but it's in Y/n format here.

Banner by the lovely @actuallysaiyan

Search/follow along using #secondchancesorcerer

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Nanami masterlist

There’s an incessant knocking at the door and it takes all of your energy to not scream at whoever it is to go away. You felt like someone had hit you with a sledgehammer, your sleep disturbed and restless. Why was everyone so determined to give you company when all you wanted to do was be left alone?

No one understood the hollow feeling in your chest, how you woke up every night screaming, remembering Mahito’s disgusting grin of triumph as he had murdered Nanami in cold blood. How you had begged Nanami to let you take him out of Shibuya station along with Maki, the burns on his body looking so raw and painful. He had fixed you with the same look he would give you when you were hesitating to take a shot at him during hand-to-hand combat training sessions. That stern expression of disapproval, despite his own pain and exhaustion.

“Take Maki-san and leave. I’ll be fine Y/n-san. I can’t leave. Not yet.” And you had been helpless to argue against him. You never could. There was a hypnotic quality to the way Nanami instructed you, said with a finality that you could never disobey. The man had a death wish, you knew that, and you had foolishly believed securing him with a protective charm would drive away the shadow of demise that seemed to hover over him all the time. You should have knocked him unconscious and dragged his ass out with Maki. Shoko was on site. She could have healed him, and he would be here, grieving their other losses instead of…

Your heart constricted painfully, remembering how you had held onto Yuji as hard as you could, your ears bleeding from his hysterical screaming as he swore his revenge on Mahito. Nanami’s loss hung heavily in the air. Although most of the Jujutsu community was more invested in Gojo being sealed, it was Nanami’s death that affected you the most. Nanami your mentor, your dour, unwilling mission partner, your whole heart…now gone. Like he had never existed, no trace of him left. 

“Y/n-san?” The knocking continues and with a snarl, you roll off the bed, your hair a dreadful mess, not caring that you’re still in pajamas, and yank open the door, only to see Ino and Yuji standing there, Yuji carrying a takeout container. Your ire washes away only to be replaced by a dull ache as you see them. “Oh. it’s you two.” You slink back to the bed and disappear under the covers.

“We haven’t seen you for two days now Y/n-san.” Ino shuts the door as Yuji sets the takeout container on the table. “You can’t just lock yourself away. We’re a team. Team Nanami, remember?” Ino gives you a wan smile which you don’t have the energy to return. Yuji settles down on a chair and says nothing.

Your heart aches for the boy, so young, a teenager, looking so weary and serious, shouldering the weight of a much older man. “I haven’t been in a mood to see anyone. Everything that happened at Shibuya…I can’t.”

Your voice trembles, threatening to spill out all the unspent grief you’re carrying. You hadn't explicitly told anyone about your feelings for Nanami, believing it was pointless. You were his apprentice after all, a title almost similar to being his student, and it was a boundary you hadn’t been willing to cross. Nanami had helped craft your abilities after all, abilities you had been terrified of using, abilities that had plagued your entire life, that you wished you hadn’t been born with; until he had shown you how to use them for a higher purpose. 

It was an astonishing experience, developing a cursed technique, needing much hands-on instruction. Literally. Nanami would constantly adjust your hands, your stance, and your combat positions, tutting at you impatiently. You had felt like you were in a ballet academy under the care of a rigorous instructor, the type that would raise their student’s arms and chin and adjust their posture using the end of a cane.

He had started you off the same way that Gojo had done for Yuji, by channeling cursed energy into one of Principal Yaga’s creepy cursed dolls. The doll had given you a black eye that day, but you secretly blamed Nanami for that; you had been watching movies as instructed, the doll in your lap when he had come down to check on you. His deep gravelly voice cutting through the room unexpectedly had caused you to yelp, grip loosening on the doll, which had wasted no time in delivering a blow to your eye. 

It was humiliating, feeling like you had failed him on this simple task but he made you nervous. He always gave off an aura of needing perfection and his short, clipped way of giving instruction made you feel inadequate. Everything had been a blur of confusion as you leaned against the sofa, covering your eye and moaning in pain, hearing rapid shuffling footsteps, before Nanami had caught hold of the doll and shoved it into a containment box.

“Let me see.” With your good eye, you saw him leaning over you to check your face. You knew you were blushing but hoped it came off as embarrassment for being punched by the doll rather than the fact that your mentor - your unbelievably attractive mentor- was peering into your face at such close proximity. 

You had slowly removed your hand, the area around the eye swollen and tender. Nanami’s expression was strange, almost like he was trying not to laugh as he delicately laid his fingers at the edges of the starting bruise. “I did warn you not to lose concentration,” he said in an even tone, although it betrayed a wisp of amusement. “Go see Ieiri-San. I’m afraid you’ll be sporting a bruise for a while, but her reverse curse technique will take away the pain so at least you won’t feel it.” 

Your good eye had glared at him reproachfully. “I was doing fine until you startled me. I didn’t even hear you come in. We should put a bell around your neck.”

You thought you saw the corners of his mouth twitch slightly, almost like he was biting back the urge to smile. “Are you under the impression that curses wear bells around their necks, Y/n-San? Because if this is all it takes to startle you…you wouldn’t last a minute on a solo mission.”

His words had brought you back to the reality of the situation, the fuzzy feeling of being near him vanishing in an instant. Always teaching survival tactics, always telling you to run, always putting himself in the line of fire. It had driven you insane, how little self-preservation he had for himself. 

“Isn’t there anything that you would like to live for?” You had asked him one morning as you ate breakfast together before catching the train home, having finished a mission the previous night. He fixed you with a scrutinizing stare, whiskey-colored eyes narrowing as though puzzled by your question. 

“Like what?”

His response left you stumped. Did the man have no aspirations, no dreams, or wishes he wanted to be fulfilled? 

“Like what?” You had parroted back to him, an incredulous look on your face. “There are so many wonderful things about life! Don’t you have a survival bucket list?”

His lip was definitely curling now. Nanami never smiled completely, but the corners of his eyes would crinkle when something amused him, and you could see the lines deepening as he regarded your question, but his tone felt like an adult indulging a child. It was maddeningly patronizing, considering he was just three years older than you, yet he assumed himself to be too mature and aged for such whimsical questions. 

“A survival bucket list?” he practically scoffed. 

“Yes,” you said trying not to lose your patience with him, crossing your arms over your chest. “You know, a list of things you’d like to do if you ever had the time.”

“Do you have one?”

“Of course I have one! Most of us have one! Something to keep us going when all we see is death and destruction on a daily basis.”

The thought seemed to intrigue him but you couldn’t shake off the feeling like you were being snubbed. Which was why you were taken aback when he asked, “What’s on your survival bucket list?”

“Oh ah…” you tried to gather your thoughts as you spoke, not expecting that he would ask you. “Take a tour of Europe. Go on an African safari. Take scuba diving lessons. Try different pastries and sweets from all over the world.” You lists some of your top activities, then frown as Nanami in a rare moment, flashes you a grin, his teeth showing for a brief second before his face returns to its usual stoic state. 

“What?” You had asked almost impatiently. “Is my bucket list funny in some way?”

The blond man shakes his head no before speaking. “It’s not funny at all Y/n-san. I think it’s nice that you have these personal goals.” He says calmly, his voice carrying an unfamiliar lilt you had never heard before. 

Your irritation died down when you realized he hadn’t answered you yet. “Do you have one or not?” 

He looked thoughtfully at you before replying. “I used to. But it’s not as great as wanting to learn how to scuba dive or trying all the sweets in the world.” His tone changed into something wistful and nostalgic and it played with your heartstrings as you waited for him to continue. “My survival bucket list, if I can call it that, has only one goal. And that is to live long enough to retire.”

Your breath had caught and you waited for him to say more, hoping he wouldn’t shut off. Nanami rarely ever spoke more than what was necessary, but you longed to see more of this side of him, the parts of him that had nothing to do with sorcery. 

“Retirement isn’t something a lot of sorcerers get to experience. Most of them die young, and the ones that do survive have so many disabilities that doing anything later in life becomes impossible. If life is favorable to me, and I have all my limbs and mental health by that age, I would love to retire and spend the rest of my days in peace.”

“What does peace look like to you?” you had asked him in a hushed voice, feeling ecstatic about finding out these little details about him. 

“A beach, in a country with a low cost of living. Perhaps I’ll live right on the sand, a book in hand, and just take in all the sunshine.” His eyes had taken on a faraway quality, the whiskey color becoming more honeyed, little flecks of gold visible in his irises as though whatever he was thinking of had lit a candle inside him, illuminating his whole being. You could only stare, unable to comprehend how beautiful, how vulnerably human, he looked in that fleeting moment before it vanished behind an impenetrable curtain of indifference. “But that future is a very slim possibility. I don’t like building castles of air.”

The warmth that had settled in your chest dissipated, and you were left with the man you had grown used to; contained, jaded, pessimistic. 

“But what if it does happen?” You couldn’t stop yourself from asking. 

He let out a sound that could have been interpreted as a disbelieving chuckle. “Then I’d better think about using something more solid than air to build my castle.”

“Y/n-san?”

You’re jolted back to reality as Yuji hands you a tissue. You hadn’t even been aware that you were crying, tears rolling down your cheeks, eyes puffy and red.

“I’m sorry guys.” You dabbed at the tears. “Got lost in thought.”

“We all miss him, Y/n-san,” Yuji says comfortingly, but his voice trembles. “He was more than a teacher to all of us.” 

“And we’re still a team despite him being gone,” Ino says assertively and presses the takeout container into your hands. “Eat. You need to.”

You open it to reveal a breakfast sandwich, and although you don’t have much of an appetite, the thoughtfulness of the boys is so sweet that you don’t feel like setting it aside for later. Taking a bite, you try to distract yourself from your own feelings.

“So they weren’t able to recover Gojo from the prison realm?” you ask, trying to get off the topic of their deceased mentor. 

Ino shakes his head no, and you are relieved to see that most of his wounds from his fight with Ogami have healed, almost imperceptible to the eyes of a non-sorcerer, although there was a scar running down the left side of his face now.

“They’re doing a recovery throughout Shibuya station, but it’s mostly to pull items belonging to the people who died. You know, to return to their families.” Ino sighs and rests against the wall of your room. “They haven’t found Nanami-san’s blade yet.”

This bit of information is unexpected, and you look at him, then at Yuji who is also listening intently. 

“I mean…it probably got lost underneath all the rubble, right? It’ll turn up eventually.” You swallow, hoping the weapon wasn’t lost to the destruction of Shibuya Station. 

“I hope so. I’d imagine Nanami-san would want me to have it.” Ino sits down on the edge of your bed. Yuji however, gives him a look of disapproval. 

“Why do you get Nanamin’s weapon? I was his student too.”

“Yeah, but I trained under him the longest. By that right, it should come to me.”

“What if he has family? Wouldn’t it go them?” Yuji countered, trying to think of a reasonable argument for why Ino couldn’t simply lay claim to the blade.

“He didn’t have any family,” you say quietly, not really invested in the conversation. Ino and Yuji continued to debate, their conversation becoming indistinct buzzing to you as you finished your sandwich. 

“He was your teacher too Y/n-san,” Ino interjects suddenly, with a touch of surprise. “Why aren’t you more interested in who his blade goes to?”

“Because I knew how much he hated using it.”

Your words carry an intensity that makes them both quiet down instantly. As powerful and wonderful as his blade was, you knew your mentor’s distaste for using it. To him, it was a means to an end, no different than using a rifle or an axe. He used it for the sake of exorcising curses, but the blade itself carried no personal meaning to him. 

“Nanamin hated his blade?” Yuji asks in a small voice. The disappointment in his eyes had you quickly backpedaling.

“Not the blade itself. I think more so, what it represented for him. A life as a sorcerer. Of facing death every day, knowing this was his duty and he couldn’t escape it.”

Silence follows your words and you wish you hadn’t spoken. You hadn’t meant to put a damper on the boys’ spirits but you couldn't keep quiet either. They were young, in awe of their late teacher who must’ve seemed like a much older man, dispensing wisdom. But knowing how small your age gap was, and how much he hated this line of work, you found yourself compelled to make sure they knew what you knew; that Nanami Kento was a hard-working man, but he never found any joy in using his now legendary weapon at all. 

And unknown to them, you had already scavenged Shibuya Station after the emergency evacuation orders were put through. You hadn’t expected to find much, but somehow, through a stroke of luck, had found his tie, the obnoxiously yellow, polka-dotted tie, peeking through the broken cement and glass, stained with blood. His blood. 

You had yanked it out quickly and stuffed it into your pocket, a little secret you had been carrying around the last few days. It now lay under your pillow; you worried people would judge you for keeping it, for not washing it but somehow, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. At night, you’d run the tie through your fingers, feeling the material slip smoothly through, the faint scent of his cologne still on it. You knew you would never be able to wash it until the last vestiges of that scent faded away. It was the only thing that brought you comfort, that and remembering the day you found out the history of the odd color and print of the tie.

The 4 four of you had been out at the amusement park, Ino and Yuji energetically running around from one ride to the next while you and Nanami had waited in line to grab food for everyone. As you sat waiting for the boys to come back, you had gathered courage and asked him a question that had been in the back of your mind since you became his apprentice.

“Nanami-san?”

“Hmm?” He had turned his focus towards you and you hoped he wouldn’t see the rising color in your cheeks. 

“Why do you wear that tie? It just doesn’t match the rest of your outfit.” You held you breath hoping the question wasn’t too personal. But the tie somehow paradoxically brought his outfit together and also threw it out of style. 

His expression had changed almost imperceptibly. If you hadn’t spent as much time as you did with him, you might not have noticed it. He rested his elbows on the picnic table, as though conflicted to admit what was going through his mind. Then with a sigh, he said, “It’s to remember an old friend.”

“An old friend?”

“A late friend, to be precise.”

Your heart tightened in your chest. A late friend? He had lost someone close to him? 

“It’s a funny story.” Nanami paused as though considering if he should tell you more, then continued. “My favorite show growing up as a child was The Flintstones.” 

You stared at him, but you couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped you which you suppressed immediately. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that.”

“Well, it was.” Nanami’s lips had twitched. “And my friend knew this. As a joke, he got me a tie that matched Fred Flintstone’s outfit.” Another pause, another sigh, as though the next part was difficult for him to say. “I never wore it until after his death. Now I always do, in remembrance.”

“I’m so sorry,” you had said in a low voice. “I didn’t mean to bring up such a sad memory for you.”

Nanami shook his head and looked away towards the Ferris wheel, where the boys had disappeared off to. “It was a while ago. I try not to dwell on it for too long.”

“Thank you for telling me,” you’d murmured. His face had softened as he looked at you, the rest of the world blurring from your vision until all that remained in focus was him, the sharp eyes, the high cheekbones, the straight nose, and the chiseled jawline. Barely 30, yet looking like even a few years of sleep wouldn’t wash away the exhaustion that emanated from his bones. 

“Even if Nanami-san disliked his weapon, it’s still useful to have.” Ino and Yuji were back to debating about the blade. 

You were about to reiterate that you wouldn’t fight them over the blade when suddenly a pale sea foam green light began to glow from underneath your pillow. Both the boys stop bickering, awestruck at the sight. With a trembling hand, you move the pillow, revealing the tie, and making Ino and Yuji draw closer in curiosity. The polka dots on the blood-stained tie were glowing, emanating a warm aura accompanied by a curious scent of lingering coffee.

“What…” You watch with fascination, then look up at Yuji and Ino, who are watching the scene unfold, wide-eyed and filled with wonderment.

“Is that Nanamin’s tie?” Yuji gets closer to the bed, unable to take his eyes away.

“Yeah…I’ve been holding onto it.”

“Is it cursed? Did Nanami-san leave some residual cursed energy when he…?” Ino eyes the tie warily but also speaks in a hushed tone of disbelief. 

You shake your head, the aura not feeling sinister to you. Rather, it felt familiar, like you had experienced it before, in those brief moments when Nanami’s eyes would crinkle from amusement…

You gasp and scramble off the bed as the dots begin to lift off the tie, a vignette of sea foam green surrounding each one. They float ethereally in the air, then, one by one start floating out of your room. 

“Wait!” Not caring that you’re in pajamas or that you’d been in bed for nearly two days, you chase after the dots, bolting out of the room barefoot, Ino and Yuji hot on your heels. People stared at you as you ran. You knew the group must look quite eccentric, the two boys fully clothed and decent looking, while you looked ratty and deranged, hair flying everywhere as you tracked the dots barefoot, not wanting to lose sight of them. 

Finally, the dots make their way into the large courtyard where Nanami would brief you about upcoming missions. They slow down and the trio halts, panting and out of breath. The light surrounding the polka dots brightens before they start arranging themselves into a fixed pattern, you, Ino, and Yuji watching perplexedly.

“Fred Flintstone”

“What?” Yuji looks bewildered. “Who’s that?”

“Isn’t that a cartoon character?” Ino asks, his generation just shy of the classic cartoons millennials had grown up on. 

You cover your mouth, trying not to jump to conclusions. “The Flintstones…”

Could it be? Was he…? You let out a strangled laugh of disbelief but yet, what else could it be?

“It’s Nanami-san!” you whisper, and as you do, the energy signature from the polka dots seems to envelop you, and you feel every small little detail you have ever memorized about him; the little marks that formed on the bridge of his nose when he took his glasses off after a mission, how he enjoyed a fresh pot of coffee in the morning, that little sigh of satisfaction he’d make after completing his daily crossword puzzle. 

Yuji and Ino look at you incredulously, but you have never been more sure of anything in your life. You look at them in the face, tears in your eyes, not from grief, but at how achingly comforting it was to be bathed in the glow of those polka dots. 

“Nanami-san is alive!” 

Animated lines and support banner by @cafekitsune

@that-goth-bisexual @buttercupbitches @jadedjane @hunnie-lily

@starsinmylatte @soft--cherry @estarlias @that-goth-bisexual

@daswanj @connorsui @kentosgirlie @dreaming-about-seireitei @byul9158

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@Mangiswig @bleachbrainrotbro @illusionaryennui @harlekin6

@pernesophe

[danikamariewrites]

Hi! I’m in LOVE with your blog! Would you be able to write something with nessian x reader where the reader has just an awful no good day/week and maybe something small sets her off and they comfort her and calm her down? I have had a very bad week and I had a whole breakdown over dropping a pen lol and I wish they had been there to comfort me. Anyways, I hope you have an amazing day!!!

Just A Bad Day

Nessian x reader

a/n: They would be so sweet and caring, especially Cass my fav gentle giant☺️ also I’m so sorry this feels very boring/typical. I might take a break for a few days bc this slump is killing me.

warnings: slight angst

Slamming the front door an angry sigh escapes your lips. You head staright to your personal bedroom wanting space from your mates. If you saw anyone right now you might yell at them.

Not even bothering to take your boots off you flop on the bed face down. Grabbing your pillow you stuff your face into the feathery soft fabric letting out a blood curdling scream.

You screamed and screamed and screamed until there was no air left in your lungs. Until your throat burned. Throwing the pillow as hard as you could against the headboard you flop back down on the bed.

Why are people so difficult to deal with? Today made you never want to speak with the governors or the general public ever again. You don't know if you just weren't communicating properly or what. But everyone was stupid and deserves to have a bad day. Not you.

After an hour of laying in bed you decided your throat was tortured enough and that cold water was necessary. Making your way down the stairs Nesta and Cassian's mixed scents hit you. It didn't calm you or anger you. You felt nothing but the exhaustion slowly creeping into your bones.

Another sigh leaves your lips as you open the cup cabinet. Frowning, you realize the glass you want is on a higher than usual self. Not feeling like asking Cassian to get it for you you strech up on your tip toes, grasping at the edge of the shelf. As your mind wandered to Cassian's usual teasing remarks about your height you get angrier.

The glass was just out of reach. Just a hair's breadth away from your finger tip. Your nail finally catches on the glass, bringing it forward. You finally grasp it with between your fingers and pull it down.

The glass slips from between your pointer finger and thumb. Your other hand reacts thanks to your fae reflexes, landing safely in your palm. You turn on your heel a little too quickly, sending the glass flying out of your grasp. It hits the wall shattering far too loudly.

Your hands go to cover your ears instantly. Tears pricking your eyes. You try to tune out the muffled sounds of Cassian and Nesta’s worried voices followed by their footsteps. Your face quickly contorted in anger. Angry at yourself. At the fucking glass. At your mates.

Your fingers tug at your hair in frustration. Your eyes are so clouded by tears you don’t even see Cassian in front of you. He gently takes your hands in his large ones. Slightly pressing his thumbs into your palms to lessen the death grip on the roots of your hair.

“Hey,” he coos, “what’s going on sweet pea?” You don’t look at him. Keeping your eyes down so you don’t break at the look of pity on their faces. Nesta hooks a finger under your chin, pulling your face up to look at them. The sad frowns on their lips broke you. The last thing you wanted to do today was upset or disappoint your mates.

Nesta took in a sharp breath at the projection of your feelings through the bond. “Oh, sweetheart. We’re not upset with you at all.” She wraps her arms tightly around your shoulders, swaying you gently. At Nesta’s loving embrace you break down. Sobs shaking your body.

Cassian smoothed your hair talking you through your tears. “I’m sorry.” You choked out repeatedly through your sobs. After hearing enough Cassian pulls you into his arms to carry you upstairs. Sitting you in his lap you continue to cry into his chest.

Nesta finally joins she has the glass of ice water you’ve been dying for. Just like Cassian taught her Nesta began massaging the pressure point on the back of your neck. She wanted to do everything to prevent your eventual headache.

When your tears finally stopped you took deep shaky breaths. They were coming too fast making the simple task difficult. Cassian laid you flat on the sheets to give you space. “Slow down, y/n. In for five and out for five.” He began to breathe with you until you finally calmed down. “Thank you,” you whisper.

You grabbed their hands so they can hold you up. Nesta hands you the water which you immediately gulp down. The cool liquid soothing your throat. Once it was empty Nesta took it from your hand. You lean into Cassian, resting your hand against his chest. Your fingers toy with the old fabric of his shirt to ground you.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Nesta coos. You shake your head mumbling, “Just a bad day.” “Do you want to talk about it?” You sniffle and shake your head. “No. That cry was good enough, honestly.” A short humorless laugh escapes your lips. Cassian kisses the top of your head letting out a small hum in answer. “Let’s get you some dinner and relax, yeah?” You nod again. Cassian lifts you again, carrying you downstairs.

[sadiecoocoo]

Can we talk about the fact that Viktor was kind of not doing the best thing?

(Please be aware that I do not play or read the lore for lol so this might all be info that everyone knows already or I might be completely wrong)

Yes he was healing people, but he was changing people.

Salo, the corrupt politician who didn’t give a damn about the undercity and was fully prepared to lead the charge in invading Zaun gets his legs healed and he just decides to live down in the undercity and work for Jesus because he helped him?

And not only that but also be perfectly okay with Viktor always being in his head and being able to take over his body whenever he pleases, even if Salo could still take his body back when he wanted to?

Not only that but NO ONE in that community cared about dying. The guy at the front gate, who I forget his name, had a gun pointed to his head and barely reacted. We know this character, for the few scenes he’s been in, to be a very reactive character. He always seemed a little jumpy and scared anytime he showed up, always stuttering and looking around like something was about to jump out at him, even before he took any shimmer. But now that Viktor healed him, he gets a gun pointed at his head, and he’s completely unbothered? And he was faced with Piltover’s army and was just “please no weapons :D”

Not only that but when Jayce was freaking out in the community and pointed the hammer at that kid, they just looked at it. And then they decided to take him to viktor, with the murder weapon (even though they had been very adamant on the no weapons rule before??). Still kudos to that kid to seeing a guy who needed help and immediately taking him to said help

Another thing, that really might just be my interpretation, no one actually looked happy. There were no kids playing, or adults just talking with friends. Everyone was always carrying some bag of supplies or working and everyone looked like there was some place they needed to be. The only people that acted like people were Vi, Jinx, and Isha.

And of course I can’t just not mention the fact that when Viktor died everyone that he healed died too. Which, y’know, isn’t normal

But this last point makes me feel like the community was some kind of hive mind. We know that when a queen bee dies, all the worker bees will eventually die too, unless there’s a bee keeper, even if it’s not instant like with the community. And going back to an earlier point, everyone was acting like worker bees, getting food for the colony and making honey.

Now, all this isn’t to say that I think Jayce was right, though I do believe he had a valid reason or was at least not in his right mind at the time, and he probably had no idea what all would happen when he killed Viktor

In conclusion, I really don’t think Viktor would have helped Zaun in the long run. Eventually, as Singed said, he would die, and then everyone else he healed would too. He would change people to become drone-like and completely monotone in all their actions. Of course, this doesn’t mean Viktor himself is in the wrong, because he clearly had no grasp of what he was really doing and was being heavily influenced by the hexcore in the guise of Sky. Still, looking deeper into it, the community was inhumane and a literal cult

(Also please think about how much Vander would change if he had been fully healed by Viktor, there’s no guarantee that he would even still care about Vi and Jinx since he would be influenced by the hexcore too through Viktor)

Thank you for reading this wall of a theory/rant, I’d love to discuss if anyone has any other points they’d like to add! :)

[bluecanvasshoe]

Frankly, Mr. Shankly

platonic!Marauders x gn!Gryffindor!reader

Picture from Lucy Orpwoodd on Pinterest!

Summary: You've been feeling inadequate in everything, really. It seems the people you thought were pushing you away are the only ones who can help calm these thoughts.

Content: reader struggles with feeling 'average' and 'not good enough', everyone is a bit of an ass but they all apologize, hurt/comfort, Wolfstar is so far just pining in this and Remus is a lil salty, mentions of Sirius' family life :(, use of y/n (IM SORRY), teenagers being weird and communicating poorly

Word count: 3.4k

A/N: WOW i didn,t expect to be writing THIS much over the break, but i'm glad i have! i hope you all enjoy this one!! and: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! MY FIRST FIC OF 2025!

and just to be clear: what’s said in this fic about being average IS NOT the truth. but average is perfectly fine, and what’s been written are anecdotes from the reader’s mind (and mine, hehe). do not take whats said to heart, because you’re amazing no matter what!!!!

title from Frankly, Mr. Shankly by the Smiths!

--

You've always loved your friends, and you knew they loved you equally. If there's one thing about the Marauders, it's that each second spent is a second valued.

Year five was likely the most fun you’ve had in your life. So, why would year six be any different?

Well, this is how.

Your best friends, your partners in crime, your platonic soulmates who complete the Marauders, a group of five rowdy teens, seemed too good for you nowadays.

You were always painfully average in just about everything. It was well known, and for a long time, it really didn’t bother you. It was easy, low maintenance, and no one expected perfection. But since the start of the year, you soon came to find out that this average-ness made it incredibly easy for you to be outshined.

For so many years, people told you that marks or your number of friends were simply figurative objectives or ideas that didn’t carry any real significance. These assurances, however, are only said aloud when there’s nothing to downplay in the first place.

If you’re extraordinarily pretty, people would say you are blessed, and if you’re smart beyond imagination, people would call you gifted.

If you’re none of those things, if you’re not in the middle or either end of the line, you do not receive compliments because hardly anyone sees a point in complimenting the mode. This isn’t to say that some don’t put in a good attempt at digging deeper; but when you seemingly don’t care nor try, no one sees a point in acknowledging something neither person cares for.

These small encouragements were simply a means to an end, a way to appease the unsatisfied.

You didn’t blame anyone for your faults; that’d be silly. No other Gryffindor, no other friend, would intentionally try to put you down. But intentional or not, they still did.

So when James became Head Boy and had actual responsibilities, you felt a little upset. Not angry or sad, but you did miss spending every hour with him and the others. Not to mention the arrogance that he now held. It’d usually be funny, but now it felt like he was too good, too smart for you. You couldn’t live up to the student body’s role model that is James Potter.

After that, Remus became a Gryffindor prefect. You were happy for him, he truly, 100% deserved it. But then he had his own duties too, and you noticed how much more focused and dedicated he was to his role; a good thing, yes, but he tended to drown himself in responsibilities, distracting him from the Marauders. You now felt brushed off when you tried to make conversation with him, as if other things, things that would’ve usually fallen second, came before his friends now.

Sirius had always been a heartthrob, but over the summer, something must’ve changed to make him more appealing to the eyes of your fellow students. More often than not, he’d be away with someone new, or a new person would tag along in your adventures. This person would then begin to think that they were a Marauder, and it made things incredibly frustrating to have someone who often disregarded your presence assert themself into your life.

Finally, Peter was now spending more time with his girlfriend, a Ravenclaw girl you’d never met and he never specified before. You were happy for him, but now he was so distracted with her and trying to impress her via marks that he didn’t have as much time for the Marauders anymore.

But what about you?

Nothing was new in your life; you hadn’t been awarded the title of prefect, or head of anything, or heartthrob, or the love of someone’s life.

At first, you were sad. However, the start of a new school year was always a little bit melancholy, so you chalked it up to post-summer blues.

But when the leaves started falling and you found yourself walking amongst orange and red trees alone, you became angry. Angry at your friends, Marauders or not, angry at teachers who constantly downplayed your achievements, angry at your fellow students, and most of all, angry at yourself.

If you couldn’t live up to be as good as the rest of the Marauders, did you even deserve to be one?

Did you deserve to be at Hogwarts?

You tried studying more often and staying behind in class to ask questions and improve your grades, but nothing worked. Nothing improved. In your mind, you were a lost cause.

–

It was breaktime, and you were hoping you’d get to hangout with the other Marauders. You stood from your seat in potions, slinging your bag over your shoulder and exiting the dingey classroom.

Exiting the room, you ventured to a classroom close by in hopes that Remus would be there.

“Moons,” you called, approaching him.

He looked up from a piece of paper he had in his free hand, noticing you with a smile. “Oh, hello, N/N.”

“Would you want to come with me to find the others?” 

He frowned, gaze sympathetic. “I have a prefect meeting that’s supposed to run for the entire break. I’m sorry, but I really need to go this time.”

You hummed, feeling a twinge of sadness in your chest. “Okay, no problem. Would you like for me to walk you there?”

He shook his head, smiling. “No, I’ll be alright. I’m getting used to it, the cane.”

With a nod, you stepped aside to let him past you. “Alright. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later then, yeah?”

“Of course.”

It was always meetings, or supervisions, or patrols. God, he was too busy these days.

With no Remus to accompany you, you found the divination class where both James and Peter would’ve been. 

James, noticing you from the corner of his eye, turned his head to face you. He had an arm around Peter, the two of them moving to stand beside the entrance of the classroom so as to not block those who were walking in the halls.

“Hey! How was potions? No Remus?” James asked, pushing his glasses up.

“Remus has a meeting-” “Right, that reminds me, um, guys, I have a study session this break.” Peter interjected, “sorry for the interruption, but I gotta go.”

“Oh, no problem, Wormy,” you replied, watching as James took his arm from Peter’s shoulder, shoving his back lightly as he walked off.

“You suck, James!” Peter called over his shoulder, receiving a hand-heart from his attacker in return.

You grinned, snickering a little. “Wanna come find Sirius with me?”

He smiled, his hands dropping to his sides as he made eye-contact with you. It was hard to look any of your friends in the eyes lately; you didn’t quite understand why. “Sure!”

You two had been making mindless, nonsensical chatter as you found your way to Sirius’ class. Lo and behold, he was there, leaning against the stone of the wall.

“Why’d you two take forever?” He groaned, standing up from the wall.

“Because your class is really far away,” James shrugged, him and Sirius doing their secret handshake. The long haired boy then turned to you, offering his hand for your handshake.

Once completed, you all began making random conversation, beginning to make your way down to the Black Lake.

“-And I mean, I’m Head Boy. Merlin, sometimes people are so stupid, it hurts!”

Sirius laughed, “yeah, I know. Sometimes people will think that, because I’ve had my fair share of partners and whatnot, they can just say whatever about me. It’s awful, especially when they believe that they’re my best friend for life. I cannot stand it.” He bemoaned dramatically.

“Exactly! People just believe that I’m everybody ever’s best friend because I’m Head Boy, and then-”

You didn’t try to interrupt the conversation; you wouldn’t have anything to say, anyways.

Head Boy, my relationships, prefects. It’s all everyone ever talks about, and it’s getting tiring. 

–

Everyone, for the first time in a week, was gathered in the common room. Remus sat with Sirius on a couch opposite to you, James laying across a sofa that faced the fire, and Peter sitting beside where James’ feet landed.

Remus, seeming to remember something, raised his head to look at you. You who had been quiet, avoidant, and easy to anger in recent weeks.

“Right, Y/N, do you still have my copy of the Odyssey Homer I gave to you?”

You looked at him, jaw closed tightly. “Uh, yeah. I can return it in a bit.”

“Could you maybe get it now?” He insisted, his tone kind, but almost cautious. You felt bad for the fact that he felt he needed to be careful, guilt weighing more than it already did.

“...Yeah, alright.” You muttered half-heartedly, setting aside your book and walking past the couches. The warm, cozy atmosphere of the Gryffindor common room would usually be comforting, but it only made you feel more upset. Upset for the time lost between the five of you, and longing for the connection you all had in previous years.

You walked up the steps to your dorm, one of your roommates sitting on their bed. They looked up from a book about divination, giving a wave as you trudged over to your bedside table.

“You’ve been grinding your teeth in your sleep again,” They commented, dogearing a page of the textbook and closing it. “Does your jaw not hurt?”

You ignored their question, head turning to look at them. “Oh. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Last time I did, Y/N, you were all pissy.”

“Still,” Your head turned back to the drawers as you crouched down, opening a drawer and searching through it. “I would’ve made up for it.”

“Not the point, Y/N. You’re acting weird.” They crossed their arms, leaning back against their headboard.

You paused, heart beating a little faster. So it’s noticeable? Merlin, of course it’s noticeable. But that means that your other friends have noticed it too. “No, I’m not.”

“You are. What’s eating you?”

Sighing, you closed the drawer and opened another one. “It’s just stress from school.”

They hummed, “You just said it was nothing.”

“It is, but now I’m telling you it’s school stress.”

“Exactly. You switched up your excuse because you’re refusing to say what’s been going on with you; it’s something else.”

You sent them an unamused look, trying to appear nonchalant. “Merlin, nothing’s going on. Will you drop it?”

They sighed, picking their textbook back up. “Christ, alright.”

You found the book you’d borrowed with a relieved sigh, closing the drawers of the nightstand and leaving your dorm with an unusual hastiness. Returning to the common room, you wordlessly gave Remus the Odyssey Homer and sat down again.

James craned his head towards you, stopping mid-sentence and interrupting his nonsensical conversation with Sirius. “You alright there?”

Looking up, you raised an eyebrow. “Yes. Why?”

He shrugged, “You haven’t been talking as much. Did we do something? If we did, you’re allowed to punch us all really hard if you tell us what.”

You huffed. They hadn’t done anything, not really. “You guys didn’t do anything.”

Sirius hummed, tilting his head. “You are acting kinda weird, though. We obviously did if you’re being this avoidant, mate. You can talk about it, we’re not gonna be angry.”

“You’ll feel better if you do,” Peter piped up, his words drawn out.

You hesitated. “It’s so stupid.” You muttered, looking at your lap.

“What’d you say?” James asked, leaning forward.

“‘It’s stupid’,” Replied Remus, using air quotes. James gaped, standing up to march over to your couch and sit down beside you. 

“If it’s making you feel so upset, then it’s obviously not stupid!” He huffed, a hand on your shoulder. You grimaced, shoulders hunched.

“It’s not a big deal, though. I really shouldn’t be as upset as I am.”

“Nonsense, N/N! Don’t say that,” he chided. Peter leaned forward, each of your friends donning worried expressions.

Sirius scoffed, “you tell me I’m perfectly reasonable whenever i’m upset about my family, so stop being a hypocrite and tell us!”

“It’s not that easy, Pads.” You replied, frowning. 

“I know it’s not, but we all trust each other, yeah? You know we wouldn’t judge you like pricks,” He reasoned, dragging Remus with him to squeeze into the vacant space beside you on the couch. Peter got up, opting to sit at the bottom of the sofa by you.

After a few seconds of hesitation, you felt your bottom lip quivering. James frowned, leaning forward to get a look at you; curse him and his observant qualities. “Awe, no, don’t cry,” he held one of your hands, fiddling with you fingers in an ever to calm you. “Actually, no, crying is good. But please, what’s wrong?”

The others, in a collective effort you get you talking, piped in small encouragements.

You wiped your eyes, sniffling. “I feel… I dunno, I feel stupid. Like- like you guys are too… good for me.” 

“What? No!” James gasped.

Sirius frowned, an arm around your shoulders. “Absolutely not. You’re not stupid, and we are not ‘too good’!” He exclaimed, acting as though the mere thought was outlandish and preposterous in nature.

“Why would you think that?” Asked Remus, his voice gentle and coaxing.

You shrugged, swallowing your tears. “You’re… You’re all accomplishing things. And I’m really happy for you all, but I-” your voice cracked, the painful constricting of your throat cutting off your words. You’re not sure if your tears are out of anger or sadness. “I’m not doing anything. I’m not achieving anything impressive. I’m surrounded by amazing people, but I can’t even live up to a quarter of the person they are, and I’m so tired of it.”

You purse your lips, wiping at your eyes again. “And I- I…” With a deep breath, you felt the frustration in your chest bubble up again, the irresistible urge to snap consuming your thoughts and controlling your mouth. “I can’t be the person everyone else is; I’m so average it hurts, and every day I’m reminded of the fact that I’m not and won’t ever be as good as everyone else because now I’m being left alone with my thoughts more often. And- and it’s because all of you have some new title, or are too busy studying and I miss being friends with all of you and I feel so selfish, but I’m so pissed.”

When you were done, you took in what was likely the biggest breath of your life, lungs expanding wider than they ever had. Not even running could render you as out of breath as you currently are.

The rest of the Marauders fell silent, sharing expressive glances and mulling over the right things to say.

“We’re still friends. Marks, names, none of that... actually matters to us. They’re just things.” Peter replied, his voice soft.

You huffed, blinking back tears. “Everyone says that because no one understands that I try so hard to achieve that ‘thing’. It’s so much more to me than that; I just- I just want to be good enough.” You choked out, the anger fading from your voice and being replaced with a pathetic, sad crackle.

James’s hand tightened on your shoulder. “Hey, no, you are good enough. We don't care about any of that,” his tone grew to become more serious than it previously was, his words carrying double the weight. “We became friends with you because we all sat in the same train compartment and got along when we were eleven. Do you think we cared when we were kids?”

You took a steadying breath, shaking your head ‘no’.

“Do you think we care now?” He continued, thumb rubbing shapes into the bone of your shoulder. 

“I don’t- I don’t think so.”

He nodded, “Good, ‘cause we don’t; you’re an enjoyable person, we value that the most!” 

“Just because Prongs and Moony’ve got posh new titles doesn’t mean they’re better,” Sirius commented up from your other side, nudging you. “If they really believed in that stuff, do you think they’d be friends with us? I mean, we have a detention slip scrapbook, mate. Not really goody-two-shoes behaviour.”

You huffed a laugh at the mention of your shared collection of write-ups, wiping at your eyes.

“That’s not everything though, is it?” James and Remus chorused, giving each other a quick high five soon after.

You took a second, but you eventually shook your head ‘no’ once more. “Sirius, the people you’ve been hanging out with, they… I don’t like it when someone new is with us.” You said cautiously, looking at him in the corner of your eye. He blinked a few times, nodding. “They ignore me, Remus and Peter most of the time and it- it just feels a bit… degrading?”

Sirius’ mouth opened, giving a slow, understanding nod. “Ooh. Yeah… I can see why,” he sympathised with you, looking at Remus briefly. “Moony and I have talked a bit about it. I swear, I’m not doing it ‘cause I think we need someone new, but I don’t want to abandon you lot to go be with someone so seems cool; not as cool us, of course. I’ve tried not to involve them in our hangouts a ton, but- I dunno, I suppose they get in their head about it and act like they’re a part of our group. I’m sorry, not just to you, but to everyone. I’ve been an ass.”

You smiled, looking at him. “Thanks, Pads. It’s okay.”

He shook you a little, frowning. “Awe, don’t say that, hold me accountable. James said you could punch us, you could punch me!” 

With a grin, you shook your head. “I’m not gonna punch you. That was shitty, though.”

“It was shitty, so if you won’t, I’ll punch him!” James offered, his usual attitude reappearing as he enthusiastically raised his hand. 

“Let’s not punch each other,” Remus said at the same time as Peter interjected, lifting his head to say, “Can we not?”

“They’re constantly inhibiting our fun,” James whined, stretching his arm over you to hold hands with Sirius, who had a dramatic, forlorn expression on his face. 

“We’re hated by everyone.” Sirius sighed, shaking his head.

Remus raised an eyebrow, frowning. The look he gave Sirius, the one the other would gaze at him with in much the same way, was one of longing and affection. It was torturous, really; seeing how in-love but convinced about its assumed one-sidedness they were. “Do you not have a fan club or something?”

“Let me be sad, Remus.”

James laughed, separating his hand from Sirius’ and looking at you again. “Seriously, though. We’ll never be ‘too good’ for you or leave you behind for something stupid like a title, mate. You’re our best friend, you always have been, and nothing will change that,” he squeezed your shoulders, glasses reflecting the warm light of the fire.

Remus nodded, “none of us were abandoning you. I suppose we all got distracted in our own ordeals, but we’d never knowingly distance ourselves from you. You’re one of us; your status doesn’t change that.”

You gave both Remus and James a watery smile, old tears drying in your eyes. “I’m sorry for being avoidant. I should’ve- I should’ve said what was happening, it’s not fair to you, I’m- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize!” James exclaimed, removing his arms from you to outstretch at his sides, enveloping you in a hug immediately after.

Remus reached past Sirius, putting a hand on the middle of your upper back. “You’re a great friend, and I truly, honestly mean that. And you’re smart, too; don’t forget that. If I didn’t have you to talk with, I’d go insane. I hardly think they can even read.”

Sirius and James squawked dramatic refusals in response to his claim, causing Remus to grin smugly.

Sirius cleared his throat, placing a hand on your shoulder. “Anyways, if we’re all saying things we like about you, I still remember when you incendio’d that letter my mother sent in third year. I thought you were a badass. I still do; you’re cooler than that git.” He gestured to Remus, causing the scarred boy to raise his hands in faux shock, mouth slightly agape.

“I agree with what they said,” Peter interjected from the floor. “You’re a good friend. We all met on the train for a reason, I think.”

“Exactly, Wormy.” Sirius nudged Peter with his foot, the boy shoving it away in return.

After all was said and everyone was forgiven, you eventually all moved to form a group hug.

“Let’s pull a prank after this. ”James suggested, his voice muffled. “Let’s douse the hallways in grease from the kitchens again.”

Maybe the couch was tiny and didn’t fit all of you and maybe you couldn’t breathe anymore, but at least self-deprecation wasn't the cause for your breathlessness. The anxious, upset racing of your heart was replaced by happiness. The nasty thoughts clouding your mind and drowning out any sounds around you were replaced by giggles or dumb jokes from your closest friends.

For the first time in a few months, you felt that being average, normal, was okay.

[kel-lance]

JJK Mafia Au (JJK x Reader) PART 3

Warnings:

- TW: Dead dove dont read (DDDR) Minors do not interact (MDNI): SA, Physical Assault, DubCon, NonCon, Mindbreak, Public Humiliation, Breeding, Ownership, Gaslighting, Multiple manipulation, RWORD, PTSD, a lot more toxic sh.

Premise:

Reader lives in a city where the two biggest gangs keep things line until the third gang showed up. That had nothing to do with you though, until dumb luck just happened to favor you one day. Basically You’re picked up and used by every dangerous criminal within the clans due to some alliances they had to create due to some members messing up the previous alliances. ((Almost everyone’s gonna have a turn 🤗)) ( i have 12 chapters planned out right now meaning after i write those ill still be writing more.)

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AN: Sorry for the long update im trying not to get evicted bc i was fired a while ago bc of a protest (surprise surprise big companies dont like or care about palestine or other places like it.) but i had to give away my cats and am still struggling i have my socials in my masterpost if you could help if not its okay ily

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You weren’t even conscious when you realized that you were still full of him. “Now he just thinks he can do as he pleases, oh my god, what a prick.” You were about to tell him off until he put his hand on your back. Stirring awake, Sukuna can feel as you tighten yourself around him. You realize you’re being stretched while laying upright on his chest. 

You don’t think opening your eyes right now would be a good idea. Mostly because you could hear other people nearby? Sukuna laughs as he feels your realization. You could only pray that this phone call ends soon, and glad no one could see how red you thought you were, as your skin was glowing hot.

The base of your spine and neck  were sore, like the rest of your body. Your back started to hurt, you needed more support. Sukuna caught this and moves you off of him, making a fwopping noise, and putting you back onto him with your back to him, like you wanted. But now you were facing his table, and he wasn’t on a phone call, you two were in a meeting. He was sat at the head, and quickly you catch a few pairs of eyes on you, your left hand grabs onto him and your right hides, your face.

“No way no way no way no way, oh my god,” You shook as Sukuna pushes himself into you. It was a lot, you could only throw your head down and cringe your face as this angle put pressure on another part of your sore body. 

You stifle your yelps, trying not to look at anyone sitting in front of you.  No one else is trying to look, most were red and blushing while the rest tried to ignore it. You didn’t need to be saved in this situation, but this was a worse way to wake up than not waking up at all. Your squirming had the leader release into you like it was nothing, his body and breathing stayed the same as he twitched violently inside of you. “He’s got to have done this before.” —————————————————————

“I couldn’t just leave you in that room. I needed all my men this morning, it was important.” Sukuna was talking out loud as he carried you to the infirmary. Now that everyone was free to go back to their posts, he wanted to bring you back to the twins to be able to go back to work. 

“So I’m left to guess, you’re really just a random citizen that I met in an alley way?” He asks as he approaches the doors. He looks down at your pouting self, embarrassed to hell and back about what he just did to you infront of 20+ people. 

Taking that as a yes, he heads in and instructs the girls to take care of you again. There are still no words spoken between you 3, not even the twins talked to each other, they can just telepathically communicate, adding to the creepiness they were embodying. You almost wanted to close your eyes and let them do what they needed to but this wasn’t a spa, and they weren’t happy with where they were currently. All you knew was that Sukuna was holding someone important to them hostage, and they were good nurses too so it seemed to be in Sukuna’s favor to have them all. After they finished, they gave you a few napkins w different pills on them, about 2-3 pills on each napkin. They finally spoke, explaining that each one would be for the next day in the morning and at night. You needed to rest and they would be busy, yet back to care for you randomly as they’re needed for the upcoming missions. 

After they leave, you’re left to just lay there and thing about last night. Was it really worth it? You acted out due to desperation, in your head you didn’t feel bad because he did it to you first, and worse things after that. You just wanted some relief and god you got more than 7 times worth last night. You added 2 more this morning as Sukuna fucked you in front of his people. 

You were briefly given time to think before the door opened suddenly, and a new man came in. It was one of your guards from the first few nights, you think he might be the one who fell asleep outside your door last night. You were still sat upright from what Nanako showed you to be the morning and nightly pills you were supposed to take. 

The strange man comes up to you with urgent speed, his hand finds itself around your face as he pushes you into the wall, your head pounding from the collision. “Why would you do that? Why did you do that? What the fuck is wrong with you?” His voice was high in dismay, eyes wild and pink hair like Sukuna’s. Speaking of which he looked so similar to him, the man in front of you had a kinder face, his eyes glowed red but his features were younger, softer. 

His fingers squeezed your face together like he was trying to ball it up. You could only raise your hands enough to try and push him away but your aching body was barely letting you move. His grasp spoke volumes, you just wished you knew what you did. Was he mad because you broke out? He didn’t look hurt or punished in anyway, so what was his problem?

“You fucking idiot.” He spat out, letting go of your face, he sits at the end of your bed with his head in his hands. Youre left to check on the bruises his fingers left on the sides of your face, not scared but apart of this new man who barged in, not knowing if Sukuna knew if he was with you currently. 

“What did I do?” 

“WHAT DO YOU THINK?!” The younger man was so upset you’d even ask. “Another few days and you would’ve been set free, I talked to him and we made a bet,” What was he taking about? “If you aren’t part of the other two gangs, that we’d let you go and he’d never bother you again, but if you were part of them, and especially if you broke out to do something stupid, we’d send your head back as a message.”

He throws his head back up to look at you. “I already know you’re not part of this, but why the fuck did you do that last night?” 

He could be anybody, it didn’t matter if they looked similar. You weren’t about to make more trouble so you decided you weren’t going to tell him anything. You could only trust the people he assigned to you. “Listen dude, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about-“ 

“Of course you don’t!” He slammed his fist into the bed. “You could at least play along to get out of this! Ughhhh.” He groans further into his hands. “At this rate everything could go to shit.” He grabs your hands from your face and holds them in his, looking you square in the face. He stares at you for a second, examining your expression and the bruises his older brother inflicted on you. “What you did could have trapped you here forever, but you deserve a life of freedom, especially since you were dragged in this by accident.” He squeezed your hands tightly. “But seeing how you acted last night… Seriously do u want to die?”

You were pissed, how was it your fault? Why did you have to explain yourself in this situation? “He started it.” You huffed. The man’s hands let you go, reeled back, and backhanded you across the face, having you hit the wall behind you. “This isn’t a game. I’m gonna have to set you free myself.” He rips the blanket off from you and climbs on top. His large body has you immobile, and he wasted no time. He pulled apart your robes, flipped you around, and spat in-between your legs, taking his already hard on and smearing the spit around with his head before stuffing himself in, not caring if he covered himself fully or not. 

The sudden entered had you scream into the pillow, writhing as the dry skin hooked at you from the inside. What was going on, is this allowed? You had so many questions. Living through another rape was nothing, living through another beating, just to still end up alive, you couldn’t be worried, you were more bothered that everyone was just doing what they wanted to you. Much to your surprise, this man who invaded your body, he stopped moving once he was fully in you, and he started to whimper. 

The noises he was making weren’t something that should be coming out of a violent gang member, you would’ve never thought you’d witness something like that, much less actually feeling him start to slowly sob as he lets himself go, coating your walls inside, pressing himself deeper in, his dick twitching consecutively as his chest caved in and his voice wavered, trying to break out of the choke in his throat. 

You were more confused than anything. Being used as an object, okay whatever, but why is he crying?? You hated people like that, it’s not up to them in this situation to feel that way, but whatever, he was done right? What was his deal? Now you were going to need another shower. 

Sighing and shuttering, you were still regaining yourself from hitting the wall and the injuries his hands inflicted just minutes before, the shock of it all just put fear on the back burner. No, you couldn’t be scared of men, you were only angry. 

“I- I’m sorry.” He managed. “I’m so sorry.” It wasn’t like he had realized what he did was wrongs but that he had to do that. “My brother, he doesn’t like to share, rather, he hates me so if I touch anything of his-“ 

Once again the door swings open. The man still inside of you is frozen, and youre still facedown into the bed, but you can only guess who it was. “You’re wrong, Yuuji.” 

Yuuji slides out of and covers himself while sitting beside you. Raising your head, you watch to see how this new situation was going to play out. You only got that this brat was throwing a tantrum over his older relative, and he was trying to act equally as cruel, but the truth was surprising. 

“You really thought they wanted to leave? I told you about them, and you asked yourself to guard them bc you believed they wouldn’t try anything…” He walks in further to taunt his sibling. 

All you could do was watch. Yuuji, being the big guy he was, looked like he shrank in size as his brothers footsteps led him closer to your bed. Sukuna had reeled his fist back and sent Yuuji flying back, knocking into the next bed around. 

“You see Yuuji, I was starting to like this one, but you’re right, sharing isn’t really my thing.” He walks closer to you now, his aura would be enough to choke anyone up, and his eyes glowed, not like anything you’ve seen before. “That’s why I’m going to surprise you all today. I’ll share. I’ll be as generous a guy as you couldn’t believe… COME IN!” 

His words were instructed as a group of people walked in the door. It was a few men, and one woman. Only two paid Yuuji’s back hand some mind while the rest stood at the end of your bed. Sukuna’s at your side now, trying to figure out how to be gentle and play with your hair, but only managed to pick it up and toss it out of your face. 

Someone from the group groaned, he was a taller man but around the same age as Yuuji. He was huge, buff and with a wild ponytail, to be honest he looked as equally scary as Yuuji and Sukuna combine if that made sense. Sukuna points him out, “Ever since Todo brought you to our attention, Yuuji just couldn’t help himself. He actually wanted you first.” He looked back at his glaring relative, “And I would have let him have it too if you didn’t break into my room last night.” He pulls you to him, his eyes eating up the sight of you before the feast. “Was it worth it Yuuji?”

Yuuji tries to get up and lunge at Sukuna but Todo and someone else hold him back. “Keep holding him, I’m gonna show him how badly he failed.” The large man picks you up, flip you around and splay you legs out, exposing you to the rest of the room. You can’t fight much, letting them see Yuuji’s remnants leak out of you.

“Yuuji, we’re not gonna stop until you finish, too.” That’s when you really looked up, there were six other people in the room with you, and what sucked was that you knew he was serious. “You might even be the dad, that’s the only way how I’ll let you have her.” Though you were in his arms just hours before, even had spent the night with him, yet now you’re squirming away. He grabs your bruised cheeks and shows you the line.

“Who wants to go first?” What do you even think in this situation? Were you scared? Were you ready? Were you angry? Would you adapt? Or would you freeze? It all didn’t matter, you didn’t get any time to think about how you were feeling for even a minute after they started.

A man with messy dark hair stepped forward. His dead eyes and face tattoo made him look so pretty, along with all the jewelry, brought out by his cool yet mean look. “Choso! Not a surprise; Hurrying to not hurt Yuuji?”

“I have shit to do.” He growled back to Sukuna. Coming forward he takes you away from the older man, pushing him adjacent the crowd. Driving right in, he kisses you roughly and climbs on top of you. His hands find their way up your torso, pulling your body closer to his, you’re basically a toy to him.

Because it was so sudden, you couldn’t really respond quick enough to hold him off. At this point there was really no fighting it. You sure did try, and you could but you thought with this group, they’d just get off on it. Knowing Sukuna, just meeting his brother, and now their other “brothers” are just here to try you out, especially remembering that they’re the new gang that pushed the Kamos out.

The large man has pushed you back into the bed, putting his weight on your legs as he completely buries you. Remembering that you’re fully naked now, your body goes into flight mode, all you can try to do is flail or move your face away but Choso has more control of your body than you did.

“Choso, you’re doing it wrong.” The woman chimes in. Walking over to critique his abrasive actions, the blonde comes from across the room to the side of the bed next to you two.

Choso parts his face from yours to groan into your chest. “We gotta hurry up…”

“I get that, but this is a break! And a great one at that,” she turns around and gives Sukuna a thumbs up.

“What the fuck? Why is she in on this?” The blonde lady was scaring you more than the men, it was like she was having fun just being invited.

“Here Choso, like this.” She nudges him off of you, and picks you up by the arms to sit you on her lap. Her muscles bulged, she made it look so easy picking you up like that. Your legs wrapped around her waist, as there was no other way to position yourself comfortably. She places her hand on your back as she brings you closer. “Good girl.”

You could only blush as her other hand found its way across your hip, caressing you up and down that sends a shiver down your spine. She kisses at your beck and teases your ear lobe so much your hips start to move on their own. She catches you with her fingers, plunging two deeply in you. “See? She’ll come right to you if you do it right.”

She has you sitting back pressed up against her, her changing movements kept you excited from her unpredictability. Digging her fingers deeper, she twirls them around to spread around Yuuji’s kids within you, not letting anything spill out. The only reaction you were strong enough to let go was just uncontrollable moaning. She has you in such a mess that you could only be vocal.

She takes out her fingers and uses the wet to flick at your clit, holding you down with each jolt and spasm the lady got out of you. “Kamo Jr.~ come ‘ere.” She calls to someone across the room.

“Stop fucking calling me that.” Finally, the last man you hadn’t observed yet started to make his way towards you, his hair was cut short and neat, but his face was stone cold. That comment riled him up enough to have him start unbuckling his pants.

“You act like you hate it~.” The woman caresses your body, making a display for the upcoming man. “I got her all ready for ya, so give us a show..”

You lol your head up and hold onto her forearm for support, looking up at ‘Kamo Jr.’ who was standing between your legs. This was the closet you’ve come to regain control in this situation, just being conscious enough to know who was next, you could only hope your mind erases and forgets it all.

“C’mon Kamo, you need to let your anger out…” She spreads your lips apart while her other hand moves your head enough to expose your neck. “And Sukuna’s given us a treat.”

Kamo stood there silently, upset wasn’t even the word for it. It looked like he was holding himself back for a while, considering that they broke up his family with recent discoveries. He was the promised heir, that idea was now thrown out the window the second sukuna killed his father.

He just learned that Choso was alive too, another rogue from the family who was stronger, smarter, older, etc. His future fell apart in seconds, and he hadn’t a moment to take it all in as they started bossing him around as one of the heirs of the top three gangs in the area. He just couldn’t catch a break really.

When he got to the bed, he gripped your thigh so hard he moved your entire body towards him in one movement. Your thoughts of his fingertips leaving bruises was quickly dropped to your stomach as he pressed himself onto you.

“Jesus fuck, what’s in their DNA why are all these dudes so hung?” Your poor mind and pussy, you really couldn’t continue this session if you wanted to keep the last peace of mind you had. You couldn’t lie though, the blonde lady’s tactics really did help to relax you, but knowing she’s just there to help them get off makes you still anxious about her.

This new guy though, as cold as Choso, was quick about it. He pulled himself out of his pants, only exposing what he needed as to say “Let’s get this over with.” Finally peering down at you, his eyes were almost dead until the lady brought up his anger. His remaining family was taken hostage and was released when Kamo offered to help Sukuna in exchange for their lives.

This was probably the last thing he could have wanted. Given his situation, with no other options, literally commanded to do something morally and ethically wrong, there was just so much going on in Kamo's head while he roughly repositioned you. To be honest it didn't seem like he was paying much attention until he realized he had pushed himself inside.

His mind was engulfed by only things he couldn't control, to now groaning due to the sudden change of overstimulation. Obviously you couldn't do much, but being on your back, spread out and being quickly devoured by the crowd invited, you had just a moment, a quick second to regain your senses and be in control. The last thing you remembered was Kamo starting to pick up speed, making your whole body involuntarily start to shake from each stroke, while the blonde woman brought her lips to yours and told you to eat.

The sequence of events went like this, Kamo fucked the shit out of you, basically blacked out when it started to really take off. As you struggled to stay focused on helping Yuki, Choso came to join, while all you could offer him was a hand, he pushed Yuki out of your face and shoved himself down your throat.

As Choso roughly played with you as he facefucked you, tugging your hair back and slapping your cheeks to feel the vibrations inside, Yuki snaked her way down to help pleasure/torture you more as Kamo was getting all his allowed frustration out. If you could get a glance at Sukuna, he would be smiling proud, you didn't know if it was because he was proud of his family, maybe even you for being good enough to satiate them, or maybe it was even just the thought of being in control once again.

If you got a glance at Yuuji, he would be looking away or have some weird look on his face. Was it pity? Was it sorrow? Regret? What was with this guy? "He called dibs." What is that supposed to mean, there's literally no common factor between us, so why would he really be feeling this way?

Choso started to bruise you throat, Kamo and Choso both ramming into you from opposite ends, basically using you for their anger, it was honestly becoming the best fuck of your life. It almost couldn't matter anymore, you were already getting fucked crazy with another man's cum lubricating the next man's round. Seriously if they didn't get you pregnant by now, the next set of people surely would.

[harrywavycurly]

Does Gareth know we are seeing Eddie on the side?? Does he care?? I don’t wanna hurt him🥺🥺😢

Hiii lovey!! So to answer this I figured I’d just give you a little conversation between you and Gareth when y’all first meet! I hope you enjoy💖

- find all things Secret Rendezvous here✨

“Is someone sitting here?” “Huh?…ohh uhm uh…no…no one is uh sitting-” “so it’s okay if I sit here?” “Yeah that’s fine…uh welcome to…detention.” “Thanks…I’m not here for detention this is part of my community service requirement for cheer.” “Sitting in detention is…considered community service?” “I wish I’d have all my time done by now but no…I’m technically here to help Mrs. Thomas cut out her lamination but this is the only room a teacher is supervising in and I’m gonna need a signature when I’m done so..here I am.” “Oh that…makes more sense…do you bring those everywhere with you?” “Bring what?” “Your uh stringy…things.” “My Pom Poms? No I just have practice after this and they get all squished in my backpack so it’s easier to just carry them.” “Oh right…yeah that…also makes sense.” “You know I’m glad someone around here thinks I make sense…what’s your name?” “Sorry I’m Gareth.” “Nice to meet you…I like your vest.” “Thanks…uh do you need help with…cutting stuff up?” “I’d love some but then I’d feel guilty about taking the credit….but thanks for offering.” “No problem.” “You’re friends with Eddie aren’t you?” “Eddie? You…you know Eddie? I mean not shocking I feel like everyone kinda knows-” “can I let you in on a little secret?” “Sure….yeah that…would be fine.” “I know Eddie really…reallyyyyy well.” “Oh…ohhhh okay…uh…wow.” “But he doesn’t wanna be friends or seen with me.” “What? That…doesn’t make sense why wouldn’t he want to be seen with you?” “I’ll cause rumors and stuff or at least that’s what he says…even though he causes enough rumors about himself without any help from me…oh you can’t tell him I told you okay? Or anyone for that matter or I’ll have to kick your ass or something equally as painful.” “Don’t worry your secret is safe with me…I’m sorry though…he kinda has this thing where he knows people assume the worst from him so he just kinda puts on this act that makes everyone feel like their assumptions about him are right…when in reality he’s a huge softy and isn’t scary.” “He’s a softy? Really?” “Oh uh don’t…tell him I said that.” “Don’t worry…your secret is safe with me…thanks for letting me spill my secrets out to you.” “Uh yeah no…no problem…uhm I know this is like…weird but would you wanna…hang out sometime?” “Sure.” “Yeah?…cool…not like the same kinda hanging out that you and Eddie do though I’m just…uh meaning like…friends.” “I understand don’t worry…here take my number and text me sometime.” “Okay…I’ll do…that.”

[ihavewierdobsessions]

HxH dating head canons multi character💪

Featuring Kurapika, leorio and chrollo

I an severely dyslexic guys so stfu😝

My friends r bullying me for writing these but the day i let mean comments get to me is the day i die.

Kurapika

let’s be honest guys he would not have time for a relationship.

I bet hé tell himself that but ends up falling for you anyway.

He is the most gentle person and so caring that you would question if he’s even real (lol)

He’s reaching out a hand to help you when you step down from a high place.

or he’s carrying you when your feet gets tired after a long date night with him out in the city.

But y’all let’s face it.

The whole thing with the phantom troupe would take up so much of his time that you would think that he forgotten all about you.

and he had on multiple occasions but then snapped back to reality with a “Oh no i forgot to text them back again.”

He feels really bad that you have to live through his issues and he has tried to end things because of that.

“It isn’t you…it’s me” aah guy.

But here, he cares for you very deeply and would want anything to happen to you. when things gets rough and he disappears for a while just be patient and he’ll come back.

It’s not easy but hey we all got fucked up problems we don’t like to face. he just happens to have a lot of it.

Leorio

I’ll hold your hand when i say this. He’s perfect! Get married now and get HIM pregnant. i’m sorry.

I’m normal abt him.

He’s a great guy to be with.

he’s not very experienced but nether am I

Y’all probably met in med school and hit it off from there.

When he falls he falls hard.

He will fight anyone that says anything slightly mean to you (he’ll prolly loose but it’s the thought that counts)

He loves physical touch and can not sleep without holding you in some way.

When y’all have sleepovers (before you move in together) You always fall sleep holding onto his waist as he reads a book before eventually going to bed.

Study dates all the time.

Breakfast on bed.

Y’all are gonna be thing 1 and thing 2 because he will only shut up if you tell him too.

Chrollo

Wow uhm

I wanna bite ahold of him and not let go.

He’s surprisingly gentle when it comes to you.

He treats you like some delicate flower.

Soft smiles and gentle touches.

He keeps you far away from the troupe.

But if you’re in the troupe with him then your relationship is secret when everyone’s there.

He can grow distant sometimes and it’s hard to communicate with him but y’all figure it out.

I dont havé much in him cuz i’m just sure he’ll be manipulative but hey no one’s perfect.

[tvlipsandbread]

Today I read Song of the Magdalene, thanks to my friend (ily Lee <3), anyways, it’s a “Christian novel” but it’s a fictional piece. It entails of the adventures, love and tragedy of Mary Magdalene before she met Jesus. Obviously we have no clue what her life was like, but the book was interesting nonetheless and a good read. So if you already planned to read it at some point here’s a spoiler alert.

So basically the part of the book that consumes my thoughts is the relationship between Miriam ( Mary) and her love interest Abraham. Abraham is cripple, unfortunately the religious people of those times did not view it as an illness or disability, instead they dubbed him an idiot ( he was very intelligent) and cursed, or plagued by evil. Miriam also discovered and hid the fact that she experienced “fits” (she had epilepsy, I think). Anyways they fell in love, and religious or not I think it’s a type of love anyone would want.

Bear with me as I try to get to my point. Her father is rather wealthy, she’s of “age”(she was fifteen💀) and she needs to get married, she’s expected to get married to a proper Jewish man. She’s very independent and unlike the other women in her village, she also has the seizures which she keeps a secret from the majority (which makes her undesirable and not a proper fit,her words not mine). She wants to marry Abraham, but he’s cripple, it would look bad, they aren’t even sure if it was possible to conceive children in the union. So she decides she’ll never marry. Her relationship with Abraham blossoms despite this. In the latter part of the book he gets sick, and everyone in the household can tell that he’ll die. They kiss, sleep side by side, she takes care of him, she’s washed his body, oiled his feet yadda yadda, and it’s suggested that they had sex because she does end up carrying his child. He ends up dying, and her father is on edge about the pregnancy, he didn’t want his grandchild to be a “bastard”. He wished more than anything that Abraham pulled out the ring before he died, that they made their union official and public, forcing the community to accept them, it never happened. I don’t know the exact quote word for word, but Miriam says something kinda like this “married in the eyes of the creator” and calls him her husband.

Now, if anyone even sees this, I know some members of the faith might have something to say about it. It put the whole meaning of marriage in a new perspective for me. Can two people be married before they’ve actually gotten married?. I’ve never been in love so what do I know, but let’s say two people are in love, it’s a pure, honest love that’s pleasing to God. Is it possible (both partners are of faith) that God could bless the union, and accept it as a marriage, even without the ring, or the vows, or the ceremony. I would like to think so. Based on my knowledge, marriage in a spiritual point of view is not about any of those things, isn’t it the joining of two souls under the watchful eye of the Creator?. I’m sure this has been said or discussed before, I just wanted to type my thoughts.

Edit: their relationship kinda reminds me of the song fragile by laufey

[baileylockheart]

Stuck.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm in a weird spot. I wish that I wanted to fall in love, but I don’t truly want that. I mean, it's still the fastest way to verbalize it, but what I think I really want is just... Emotional closeness and physical but non-sexual touch. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone. I want deep trust and communication and understanding without guilt or anxiety or fear of being abandoned, and I struggle to picture any of those things in a romantic way. But I've never really been close enough to my friends to see it platonically either, so I'm just stuck.

I feel the want to want someone, and I feel it strongly, but it's more like wanting a piece of a stranger’s soul and hoping they'll take mine, because I know full well I can't imagine anyone in my life that way, and I can't imagine myself being physically near anyone without feeling uncomfortable. It makes me sick to even try to picture myself in love, especially since I realized that I have never once loved a person (in that way). When I think about what I want, I can’t imagine any one person, so all I end up wanting is a stranger who, for all intents and purposes, doesn’t exist. I don’t want a perfect person by any means, that’s not what I mean when I say this. Rather, even if this person does exist, I don’t know them yet, but already knowing them is a vital part of how I picture them.

I call myself aego-demiromantic because it joins a truth and a hope. I mean, if I’m being honest, I’m probably just aego with a dash of cupio, but I'll deny it as long as I can. The truth, aego, is that I can't picture myself in anything romantic, and any attempts to make me uncomfortable, but looking at fiction and using OCs is easy. The hope, demi, is that the reason I don’t feel romantically pulled to anyone is because I haven’t met them yet, but I'll eventually meet someone and make friends with them. Actual, close friends, who are there for each other and aren’t afraid to talk to or even annoy each other. And after that, then maybe, just maybe, I might get a chance at really loving someone in the way that people mean when they say the word “love”. And maybe that's the point. I don't want to fall in love, but I want to love someone. I want someone to mean enough to me that I'm willing to actually let them see me. I want to be able to care about someone enough that I trust them to stay. I want to feel loved and fulfilled because they're in my life - not because they check boxes or because they carry out tasks, but because their presence in my life really means something.

The problem with that is, people who want to date? They want to date. From what I can see, especially in early stages, there is no hanging out at each other's houses and playing video games, there is no sitting in comfortable silence and knowing it's okay not to talk, there is no taking turns rambling about the things you’re passionate about, there is no getting to just exist together and feel good because you add to each other's lives intrinsically. People want outings, active social interaction, maybe something to brag about. And sure. Outings can be nice. But even then, from what I've observed, people aren't looking for a trip to an amusement park where you take turns picking out what to do and enjoy every minute, or going to Dave & Buster's and playing all the games as many times as you can manage, or hanging out at an empty playground while you blast music and pretend to know the names of the stars you're gazing at. No, people want an expensive dinner that you have to dress up for, maybe sex, and then a kiss goodnight as you walk away from each other because the interaction is now complete. A good morning text would be appreciated, but while no one wants to listen to long-winded rambles, everyone will be mad if you don’t text first.

I know that I’m oversimplifying this in a terrible sort of way - I’m framing romantic relationships extremely negatively, and even if I wasn’t, queerplatonic relationships exist. But the problem is that I don’t think that covers it for me. A non-romantic relationship that has a stronger bond than the best of friends? I would do anything for that, don’t get me wrong. I want that. But the non-romantic part doesn't always sit right with me. I think I want to love someone romantically - but I know that the obsessive nature of new romantic love, how quickly romantic relationships crumble, how deeply it seems to tie in with sex, the way people tie their entire identities to their romantic partner, and the way that it’s so easily exploited by everyone from said partner to their families to even the government, that I’d never be able to maintain it. I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it.

Still, that seems simple enough, yes? “I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it.” And yet, if you asked me five months ago, I would’ve gagged at the thought.

For as long as I can remember, I have had “crushes” from time to time, and by “crushes”, I mean hyperfixations on how people present themselves, but no deeper interest in any part of them that didn’t fit that image. Once I became aware of this, I realized that I’d never actually been romantically interested in a person before, I just didn’t know how else I could surround myself with my hyperfixation. The more I looked at love and relationships, the more I realized that I would absolutely hate being in one. The more love songs I listened to to try to counteract this, the more I felt like romantic love was damaging because clearly, if people feel this strongly, they must be so reliant on their partner that they can’t imagine existing as an individual. The general sentiment was, “why would I subject myself to this sort of mental anguish on purpose?” I couldn’t figure out why people would want to flood their brains with stress hormones and lose rational thought for someone who wouldn’t even treat them well. In my head, the relationships that worked out with all parties happy were a severe minority. Of course, if those involved were happy, I’d be ecstatic for them - it just wasn’t something I typically imagined happening. As much as I thought it was fun to pair up fictional characters, as much as I had reformed my ability to enjoy love songs, and as much I supported those around me who were happy in their relationships, I was genuinely disgusted by the idea of falling in love for myself.

That is, until about five months ago, when an argument with a parent led to the simple idea that I can’t express my thoughts on something that I haven’t experienced. That led to probably the most emotional week of my life, and the general consensus was that I’ll never be able to understand love or heartache unless I go through them firsthand. I hated that intensely. What do you mean? Are you trying to tell me I can’t empathize with my friend who’s trying to recover from a breakup? Are you saying I can’t get chills when I see someone tear up while singing about wanting to be in love again? How does that work?

Ever since then, I’ve been constantly in this loop of wanting to love someone more than anything but not wanting to touch romance in its current state with a ten foot pole. I wish it was as simple as “I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it”, but the truth is that I can’t even tell if this yearning for the ability to yearn is really me, or just a fabrication borne out of spite. It hurts enough that I think it’s real, but I have no solid way to check. Do I want to want to fall in love, or am I pretending in an attempt to understand the world? I can’t tell, and that scares me.

If a stranger asked me if I want to fall in love someday and framed it as a yes or no question, I’d probably say yes. It’s the easy answer to cling to because it feels so much better and so right in comparison to just saying no, and it would also be far easier to deflect judgement that way. It seems like the default answer, right? And yet, I don’t think it’s true. I want to care about someone. I want to be close to someone. I want to love someone. Somehow, despite all of that, I feel like it would be disingenuous to claim that it’s because I want to fall in love, and even more so if I say it's because I have a lot of love to give. I have the capacity for it, I have to believe I do, but the amount of love sitting there and waiting for someone to find it is shallow at best because I don’t even know if it’s meant for a person or an idea that I made up to make myself feel better. Still, I think that how I phrased it in an old Threads comment actually explained it far more succinctly than this entire explanation of said comment ever could’ve.

“I wish I wanted to fall in love because as much as it would hurt, everything would make so much more sense that way”.

[thesubswhisper]

You’ve Set Your Boundaries—Now, Can You Defend Them?

I’m so proud of everyone who’s been vocal about setting their boundaries. It’s empowering to see you define what you’re comfortable with, what you’ll tolerate, and what you won’t. But here’s the real question: now that you’ve set those boundaries, how will you defend them when they’re crossed?

Boundaries are non-negotiable, but that doesn’t mean people won’t try to test them. It could be anyone—your parents, your siblings, your friends, or even a romantic partner. Learning to stand firm and enforce those boundaries is essential because you are the most important person in your story.

Let me share an experience of mine to illustrate this.

When a Friendly Meet-Up Becomes a Lesson in Boundaries

It was a casual meet-up with someone I’d been talking to. But regardless of whether it was a date or just a friendly outing, I have certain expectations for how people treat me.

I am a very simple person, but I am also very specific. I know what I like, and I know what I want. I carry myself with grace, and I expect the same respect and courtesy in return. What I didn’t expect was for this outing to become an exercise in defending my boundaries.

The meet-up started with plans for a museum visit followed by lunch—light and casual. In the beginning, this man’s sassiness and wit were charming. I enjoy playful banter; it’s fun and refreshing. But as the day unfolded, his behavior began to shift.

While heading to lunch, I suggested we take one car for convenience. When I offered to ride with him, his response was dismissive: “You don’t want to drive or do anything, huh?” I brushed it off as banter, though the tone felt off.

When we reached his truck, I asked him to help me up. He flatly refused. Twice. I felt this was the bare minimum—a small, gentlemanly act that any man should be happy to do. Still, I climbed in by myself and asked if he could close the door for me. Again, he refused.

At that point, I started feeling uncomfortable. Was this his way of asserting dominance? Of proving that he wouldn’t “be bossed around”? It didn’t sit well with me, but I stayed calm and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Things escalated further at lunch. When I misunderstood something he said, his response was, “Are you retarded?” That word hit me like a slap in the face. I find it vulgar and offensive, and I made it clear that I expected an apology. He refused, just as he had refused the other small courtesies earlier.

From that point on, the outing was stiff and awkward. Whatever charm he had on the phone had completely evaporated. His hot-and-cold attitude was exhausting.

The final straw came at the end of the meet-up when he walked away, saying, “You like tense moments, don’t you?” I was left dumbfounded. I value calm, steady energy. I appreciate a partner who knows how to balance wild and composed moments, depending on the time and place. His remark felt like a cheap jab at my character, and I was done.

Lessons Learned

This experience taught me a valuable lesson about boundaries. I knew early on that this man wasn’t aligned with my values, yet I chose to move forward, ignoring the red flags. That’s on me.

In the BDSM and fetish community, where I hold a dominant title, I’ve learned to be careful about who I share this side of myself with. This man took that piece of information and ran with his own misconceptions, seeing me as someone who wanted to dominate or control him in every aspect of life.

Looking back, I regret sharing that detail so soon. But at the same time, I believe in being honest about who I am. My kink side is an important part of my life, and any potential partner needs to accept it. However, this man failed to see me as a whole person—an herbalist, a working mother, and someone deserving of respect.

Setting boundaries isn’t enough. You have to uphold them, even in the face of discomfort or pushback. Your boundaries are a reflection of your self-worth. They teach others how to treat you and ensure that you’re surrounding yourself with people who truly value and respect you.

So, to all my readers: now that you’ve set your boundaries, how will you defend them?

[esther-lu-writes]

Forms & Shadows, Ch. 3

Yay for me for keeping up a two week streak of writing! This is one of two-parts... I might be able to finish up the next bit this weekend. We'll see if that's overly ambitious. Also, hope everyone is doing okay! I know it's a scary time. Please stay safe and lean into your communities. 💜

This one is about 2.7k words... pretty sure no warnings apply, but let me know otherwise!

Ch. 3- Arrival 

Hai Jun raced through the ornate gardens outside the palace. Random servants hurried across the grounds, frantically trying to prepare for the surprise guest of honor. A breathless messenger had delivered the news during the morning meal- the Golden Sage was breaking the settlement with the Bull Empire and was coming to the continent today!

Finally, the worried guard found the person he was sworn to protect. He scowled and marched up to her, “There you are! You can’t run off like that!”

Am Lin sat under the shade of a persimmon tree. She was staring off into the distance as she slowly chewed on the orange fruit. “Sorry.”

Hai Jun tried to steady his temper, folding his dark muscled arms. “You don’t know who could be waiting for you to be alone… for all we know, this place could be crawling with spies!”

Am Lin shrugged, “Who would care about harming me? I’m just a peasant from the outer isles.”

Hai Jun felt his anger getting the best of him, “It’s not about you! It’s about him, your patient! You know, the guy who’s about to be crowned emperor?! Don’t you think someone from the Bull empire might try to take out the one person who can heal him??!”

Am Lin bit her lip, “I’m sorry… I just wasn’t prepared to see Ji again. I didn’t mean to run off.”

Hai Jun sighed and sat down next to the healer. “The Sage didn’t just hurt you when they broke the wedding engagement. It was a blow to everyone in our clan.”

The healer’s eyes welled with tears. The shame she carried washed over her in a sickening wave. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough for them, Hai Jun. I know what that marriage would have meant for our people.”

Hai Jun wrapped a large arm around her shoulder, feeling his angry shift. “It’s not your fault! Don’t ever think that… they’re the one who broke their promise. In my eyes, they have no honor and they certainly don’t deserve to be with someone as wonderful as you.”

Am Lin had never felt comfortable receiving reassurance from others but she was too drained to fight the relief it granted her. “I can’t face them right now, Hai Jun. We haven’t spoken since they left.”

Hai Jun nodded, “Let’s just get you back to your room. You can hide out there and at least I’ll know you’re safe.”

The healer nodded, taking her friend’s hand, and allowed herself to be led back into the bustling palace.

___________________________________________________________

A few hours and several mishaps later, Am Lin found herself sitting in a lavish carriage with two sulking men. The prince was staring moodily out the curtained window while the large guard was trying to ignore his throbbing black eye.

“Isn’t this lovely?” Am Lin was doing her best to lighten the mood. The trio had been riding in tense silence for close to an hour. 

Wenshu frowned, “It was not right for me to stay behind while Ji flew off to fight the demon alone!”

Am Lin tried to summon her patience. “You are in no shape to fight anyone, let alone a demon. You shouldn’t take your dragon form until we’ve completed your healing… your wound is still too severe.”

Wenshu grunted moodily as the carriage came to a halt. Hai Jun was still nursing his pride. He held open the carriage door for Am Lin and the prince. “Yes, from what I can see out of my good eye, it’s a beautiful day for a walk.” There was a grumpy edge to his voice.

Am Lin was finding it hard to remain pleasant. The two men had sulked the entire way there and she was over it. “That was your own doing,” she scolded. “You should know better than to challenge the Golden Sage… especially when they take Turtle form!”

A smile finally found its way onto Wenshu’s face, “That was a pretty bold move. I’m not sure anyone has ever defeated a Golden Sage in hand-to-hand combat. I can’t believe you challenged them like that!”

Hai Jun folded his arms stubbornly, glaring in Am Lin’s direction. “I was trying to defend her honor!”

“Oh no, don’t you drag me into your poor decisions.” Am Lin scanned the beautiful hills, lined with wild flowers and fruiting trees. It was perfectly peaceful, except for her two companions who seemed intent on spoiling the mood.

Hai Jun fumed, “The Sage backed out of an agreement with our people! Don’t you get sick of form-casters looking down on everyone else?!”

Am Lin softened. “It can be frustrating but don’t make this about me. It was your pride that won you a black eye. Hmmm, maybe I can find some herbs out here to stop the swelling.”

“I’ll come with you.” The brawny guard dropped his attitude, feeling his sense of duty kick in.

“That’s alright! It’s, um, important I gather the herbs in silence. They’re more effective that way. I won’t be gone long… you can guard the prince for me!” Am Lin bounded down the hill before they could object. She couldn’t get away from the churlish men fast enough.

Wenshu watched her flee their company. “Why do I get the feeling she couldn’t wait to leave us?”

Hai Jun shrugged and slumped down under the shade of a nearby oak tree. “Who knows? Probably just another one of her weird moods.”

Wenshu chuckled and sat down next to his old friend. “I know you both feel slighted but Ji is a really good person. You should give them a chance.”

“Our clan did give them a chance.” Hai Jun muttered as he moodily plucked some grass.

“Oh, come on. Did Ji even have any say in the arrangement? How would you feel if someone tried to force you to marry somebody else?”

Hai Jun grumbled, “It’s not just the marriage thing! You can’t see it because you’re one of them!”

“One of who?”

“A form-caster! You can conjure your ancestral spirit! You do realize most people don’t have that power, right? The rest of us just live in your shadows.”  

Wenshu didn’t know what to say. He had always considered his birthright to be a curse. The prince tried to find the right words. “It’s not like we feel superior to you.”

Hai Jun snorted, “Yeah, right!”

The prince threw his hands up in exasperation. “What do you want me to say?! I’m sorry I was born this way??!”

Hai Jun didn’t appreciate the tone. “Thank you, your majesty. I do appreciate the apology.”

Wenshu sighed, wishing he could lighten the mood. Looking over, he could see how painful Hai Jun’s eye looked. The prince couldn’t help but chuckle.

Hai Jun was not amused, “What’s so funny?”

“It was just really stupid to challenge the Golden Sage!” Wenshu broke out into full blown laughter.

“It was not! I’m much bigger than they are! Besides, how scary does ‘Turtle form’ sound to you?! What was I supposed to think?!”

Wenshu tried to catch his breath, “But they’re the master of all three Spirits! Hahaha, even I can’t beat his Dragon form and I have actual wings!”

Hai Jun glared, “See, there it is! You think you’re better than me!”

The prince wiped a small tear from eye, “Better than you at what? Dragon form? I’m better than everyone at that… except Ji.”

Hai Jun stood up. “So, you truly believe you think you could beat me in combat?”

The prince stared up at him, “Look, it doesn’t matter. We all know what an accomplished warrior you are.”

Hai Jun was not willing to let it go. “I take it that means you won’t accept a challenge?” 

Wenshu looked across the hills, wishing the healer would hurry up and return. “I’m not supposed to fight, remember? Am Lin doesn't even let me fly.”

“Oh, that’s right. You’re still healing. It sounded like you were having quite a merry time the other night in the bath house.”

The prince bristled and stared hard into Hai Jun’s hazel eyes. “That was supposed to be a private session.”

The guard gave a toothy grin. “Hey, I was doing my best not to listen! But it’s not like I didn’t already know about some of your… sensitive areas.”

Wenshu smiled knowingly, sensing he was being baited. Nonetheless, he was getting tired of Hai Jun's insolence. The prince rose to his feet, squaring off with the burly guard. “Ah yes, our young romance. I suppose you are familiar with my weakness. But you’re not the only one armed with intimate knowledge.”

Hai Jun took a defensive stance, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Are you sure you’re up for a challenge, sweet prince? I wouldn’t want to cause you further harm, seeing as you’re in such a delicate state.”

The prince focused his energy, ignoring how much his wound burned. His purple eyes blazed as he channeled his ancestral spirit. “Just remember, you brought this on yourself, Wolf!”

Wenshu unfurled his wings, feeling the ancient fire build in his chest. His red hair billowed as magic coursed through his body. In a moment, Wenshu conjured his form and an ethereal dragon appeared, outlining his human body. Hai Jun was momentarily dazed. He tried to ignore how intimidating the spirit dragon was and began circling the prince, ready to grapple his opponent. 

The guard roared and lunged at the prince. Wenshu surged into the air, unleashing a burst of flame, dazzling Hai Jun. The guard pawed at his eyes, temporarily stunned by the burst of light. Seizing the opportunity, Wenshu landed, summoning his connection to the sky to release a burst of wind with a tremendous clap of his wings. 

Hai Jun barely caught himself from being blown backwards. The guard growled and flung himself at the smug prince. As graceful as a dancer, Wenshu dodged the attack, countering with a quick snap of his dragon tail, roping the guard’s legs. Hai Jun felt his legs get pulled from beneath him and landed hard on his back. Before he could react, the strong tail wound itself tightly around his ankles. Wenshu flew up into a sturdy branch of the oak tree, pulling the guard up, suspending him partway in the air so his shoulders barely rested on the ground.

Hai Jun yanked hard with his legs, trying to free himself. “What’s this?! Let me go and fight properly!”

Wenshu laughed, “Why? Were you hoping for another black eye today?”

The guard was losing his temper. “Fight me, you coward!!”

“Absolutely not! It’s not a fair match and I have no interest in reinforcing your negative attitude.”

Hai Jun continued to thrash, “I don’t have an attitude! Let me go!”

Wenshu peered down at the handsome guard, marveling at his physique. If there was a more muscular man alive, the prince had yet to meet him. “You most certainly do. I think you’re only accusing me of acting superior because you think you’re inadequate. And nothing could be further from the truth!”

Hai Jun finally stopped struggling and glared up where Wenshu was perched. “You are literally looking down at me… and you don’t think you act superior?”

The prince chuckled, “Okay, I probably do act that way and I apologize. It has nothing to do with my perception of you. I admire you very much!”

The guard was unsure how to respond. “You do not.”

“It’s true! You’re brave and handsome. You come from a long line of noble warriors. You were raised with honor and respect. In my eyes, you have everything.”

Hai Jun looked away, unable to accept the high praise of his friend. “If I can’t be a superior fighter, then I will always be less.”

Wenshu waved his hand dismissively, “I’ve heard enough of that talk! I think it’s time for you to speak more kindly to others, starting with yourself.”

The guard pulled hard on his legs again to no avail, “You’ve got to be kidding.”

The prince put a finger to his chin thoughtfully, “Let’s see. Why don’t we start with an easy one? Repeat after me- I am worthy of love and respect.”

Hai Jun folded his arms defiantly, “I am NOT saying that!”

Wenshu continued to tap his finger theatrically. “You know, I am remembering something Am Lin told me about the Wolf clan. Apparently, your people tend to have ticklesome feet. I wonder if that’s true in this case?”

Hai Jun’s mouth fell open. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh no?”

The prince flicked his conjured dragon tail, pulling the guard’s trapped feet in closer. Hai Jun was one of the largest men he’d ever met and his feet were huge. Wenshu popped off the big deer skin shoes one by one. Hai Jun stifled a gasp, renewing his efforts to pull his legs free. Like many people from the Wolf clan, his skin was rich and dark. The undersides of his feet were tawny, with almost a pinkish hue. Despite being a traveling warrior, Hai Jun seemed to have very soft soles. Wenshu snapped off a small twig from his perch and lightly started stroking the guard’s foot. 

Hai Jun grimaced, clamping his mouth closed, concentrating very hard on not reacting. “Don’t! Ah, let my feet go!”

Wenshu gently ran the twig up and down the large sole, admiring how the toes twitched. “I would be happy to stop, if you would indulge me in reciting just a few affirming words of self-worth.”

The prince broke another twig and started slowly tracing lines up and down the guard’s helpless feet. Hai Jun covered his face with his arms, willing himself not to laugh. “Noohoo… I’m not saying, ahhhha, it!”

Wenshu continued toying gently with the large feet, “Suit yourself. Isn’t it interesting you were just teasing me and it turns out you’re just as sensitive?”

Hai Jun started to sweat and attempted to roll away but the way he was suspended made it impossible. He tried to summon his most intimidating voice but was undermined with a burst of giggles. “Hahaha! No, I’m nohoohaaat!”

The prince dropped his twigs and began tracing lazy circles with his fingers in the trembling arches. “You’re not? My mistake. Look at the way your feet move about! You know, this reminds me of when we first met and we danced the night away at the ball. What did you say to me afterwards… that I was a terrible dancer?”

Helpless mirth erupted from the muscular guard. Hai Jun felt his face redden at the sound of his giddy laughter. “Ahhahahaha, you are! Hahaha, a terrible daaaancer!”

Wenshu paused, arching his eyebrow down at the proud warrior who was refusing to yield. “Really?! You won’t say one small affirming sentence and now you’re provoking me further?”

The guard caught his breath and reconsidered his position. He remembered tickling Wenshu silly during their brief romance. It was adorable how quickly the prince turned into a giggling mess. Surely he could endure this a bit longer. “I’m not going to say it!”

The prince sighed, “Have it your way.” Wenshu knew all about having ticklish feet and pulled back the toes of the guard’s right foot, stretching the arch tight. The prince admired the manicured nails on his hand for a moment before lightly scratching up and down the large foot.

Hai Jun howled, laughter quaking from the pit of his stomach. The defenseless guard writhed on the ground like a fish on a line. He cupped his face in his hands, trying to hide his gleeful roars.

Wenshu chuckled at the sight. He paused again as the guard gulped for air. He released the trapped foot but menacingly pulled back the toes on the other, “Should I assume you’re still not ready to say something nice about yourself?”

Hai Jun did not want to give in but he knew he was bested. He kept his face in his hands and mumbled as fast as he could, “Iamworthyofloveandrespect.”

“Sorry, didn’t catch that.” Wenshu’s fingers started scampering up and down the awaiting arch.

The guard flung his hands down from his face, “Ahhhh, nooo!!! Hahahaha, I am woooorthy of love, ahahahaa, and respeheheeeect!!”

Wenshu stopped and smiled down at his old friend, “Yes, you are! I hope you remember that.”

“What is going on here?!!”

The two men looked up to see Am Lin holding a bundle of herbs and staring aghast at their situation.

To be continued!

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Belonging

I have my Chiron (astrological element that indicates where there is a strong chance to heal wounds in this life) in 11th house Virgo and throughout my life I have had wounding around community and group belonging. When I moved to Hawai’i, this changed. It’s a cliche here that people move here and feel at home and part of community, but it truly does feel that way to me. Over the past few months, I have been going through relationship boot camp, learning basic relating skills and what friendship and showing up consistently looks like. I have healthier friends now and it’s requiring me to confront my lack of capacity for relationships, teaching me how to grow and expand and allow myself to care deeply about more people, to allow others to care and know me. It’s challenging at times trusting and confronting how I am perpetuating my own separateness and I have to fight through discomfort to reach the intimacy I want.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on belonging as it was always something I’ve craved. I feel I have it now but it still feels like it’s illusive and I’m reflecting on why that is.

Where does the feeling of not belonging come from?

Part of my lack of belonging is rooted in my inability to actually ground myself fully in the present, to take up space, to bring energy to the table and to connect. It takes energy to be present and I found myself being on my phone when I was with my friends. I’d crave having people around to be around them and checked out.

Why? Socializing feels very intense and scary to me because of these feelings I carry about not belonging. Every time I felt slightly awkward or rejected I retreated to the comfort and acceptance of my phone instead of sitting with the reality of relating (it is a weaving not a continuous stream). My friends weren’t rejecting me when they don’t respond. I only felt that because I already felt a lack of belonging inside. No one can make you feel what you don’t already have within you. Because in more confident moments when I do feel I belong, I see it for what it is. Just a moment in conversation.

Belonging and Enmeshment

I’m starting to reflect on what parts of me are parts I’m meant to save for myself and parts I can safely share with others. Because those pauses don’t always show rejection— they may show where I should create a boundary. When you grow up enmeshed you think people need to know everything, that everyone can and should be able to be everything to you. As you heal and understand capacity you learn that you can get your needs met with more people and that you don’t always need them met so deeply. You only craved that deepness to that level because you were taught to give everything of yourself. That is where the loop began. Your parents learned that same suffering. You were never meant to give everything to anyone. So when people didn’t toxically give all of themselves to you, you didn’t see it as them showing you boundaries you needed for yourself, you saw it as a rejection of your desire for closeness. You saw it as unequal give and take. You wondered why can’t they get as deep and close as I can, not why do I feel I have to get so deep to be loved, why do I feel I have to get so deep to feel safe. You didn’t see their ability to meter out intimacy so it can grow healthily as a strength, but as a painful proof that there were never seeds to begin with. What I’ve learned here is that so many of us mourn illusions we hold because we live in a world of mirrors. To be within a group and feel alone, it’s not because you are depressed and fucked up, it’s not because the group doesn’t like you or want you there unless they specifically said so, often it is because you are still learning the lines between self and other, and that’s okay. To feel alone can feel safe because you feel like a self, to feel fully one with a group can be scary and you can become lost to group think. There’s a balance. Isolation to stay a self and enmeshment to belong are two halves of the same coin, a lack of boundaries surrounding what makes you a separate self. Those boundaries are made of core beliefs, things you’ve made for yourself and grown for yourself. When you’re young you lack boundaries so often because your walls are so short you can’t see them. There’s still so much your building for yourself you can’t even see the reason to protect it. Can’t even see it’s worth yet.

Misdirection

What I’ve also realized is that the concept of belonging is misleading. Belonging doesn’t exist without “I”. Belonging refers to the container of connection and energy that comes about when many loved ones are gathered together. If you are somewhere it is because you belong there and you belong there until you feel it is time to leave. My friends here, island living has shown me this. When the group dissipates, that connection dissipates, because belonging is a feeling that the group creates together. Connecting isn’t effortless, it takes showing up. We act as if connecting should always be effortless but to connect deeply is effort. I’ve had beautiful camping experiences but they didnt miraculously happen. Each of us brought something to make the party memorable even if it ended up just being ourselves. To be inside of a group and feel you don’t belong is an illusion of separation.

My one friend will always ask “feeling the pull?” When we’re both kinda feeling like it’s time to leave somewhere and I love that idea. It’s not leaving as much as being pulled somewhere else. Leaving isn’t as much about not wanting to be somewhere as much as it’s about wanting to be somewhere else more or being needed somewhere else. Life is all about preferences and choices and none of it is personal. It’s taken me a long time to feel these things and understand these things.

Things only exist because they exist

The energy of feeling a lack of belonging within a group only exists because someone feels a lack of belonging. That’s what people mean by your energy creates your reality. I live in a magical place and have the privilege to see these things so clearly because I’m around highly sensitive people all the time and I can watch them react to energy. When you feel you don’t belong people pick up on that. They don’t “avoid” you because of it, they give you space because they know it’s intuitively part of your process and job to know you already belong and they are there waiting for you to join in with them. Your feeling of lack of belonging is your emotion to manage. They are allowing you to see where you are blocking your own self from fully showing up with them. This space to reflect is actually a gift and not a rejection. The idea of gate keeping doesn’t actually exist. That’s why I’ve been in “dangerous” places and been fine. I belonged there and no one messed with me. Why? Because I brought the energy of belonging with me

What we mistake as our own lack of belonging is really just the collective pieces of energy from each person in that group. Our rejected, lower vibrational things that we work to clear out come to groups with us. We come together to clear our collective wounds, we all bring it and lay it down and what you feel not belonging isn’t you, but the pieces of all of us we’ve outgrown. They don’t belong anymore which is why you feel relieved and good a lot of the times after you let loose with friends.

How could you ever need to belong when we are all one? To be is to be a part of

[hush-writes-preg]

i’ve been wanting to say this for a while, and im still not sure i’m gonna say it right, but i really appreciate your blog. i’ve been having issues with my ovaries for a while and it’s still not clear if i’m fertile or even gonna get to Keep my ovaries much longer. it’s been really stressful, because i really want to be able to get pregnant, and i might never be able to. but one of the worst parts is that i’m transmasc, and a lot of people- including my own family- can’t wrap their heads around being a man and wanting to be pregnant. even other transmascs seem to think i can’t actually be trans and genuinely want this. people pity me cus they think Society is what made me feel this way, and they have to “help” by convincing me this is something i don’t actually want.

you and all your followers have been the opposite of that. seeing so many other transmascs who openly (and sometimes desperately) want to experience pregnancy has made me feel like so much less of an other. seeing people who aren’t transmasc but have transmasc friends/partners being so encouraging and supportive when this is something they want has felt so validating. it’s such a positive and welcoming environment here, and it’s so comforting.

so i guess the main takeaway is everyone should keep being horny, because there’s at least one person who really appreciates it.

Hey there, Aster! Thanks for hopping into my inbox with your kind words! 💖

I've said it before, and I'll continue saying it long into the future for old and new followers alike-- this blog exists because I believe that everyone deserves the opportunity to feel appreciated, validated, and seen in regard to this kink. I don't care what parts anyone was born with, what parts anyone has now, or what anyone's age(18+)/gender/sexuality is. Anyone can feel the desire to be pregnant or to impregnate someone else, and that feeling should be celebrated.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so much trouble with your original plumbing, Aster, and that you aren't sure if you'll be able to conceive. That's a really shitty situation to be in when you actually want to get pregnant. I've known a few people on Tumblr who are in similar health-related situations, and I just wish I could give all of you a big hug (if it's wanted). It's really not fair. The universe is pretty shit for allowing that to happen in the first place. But you're not alone, okay? I don't know how much comfort that offers you, but there are folks out there who commiserate, understand what you're struggling with, and hope that you'll be able to eventually find happiness regardless of what happens.

And yeah... family and society can suck big time sometimes. OFC you can't be male and want to carry a child, right? /s In my opinion, those people are nothing more than gatekeepers who have no business being involved in your body and business. The knowledge that these kinds of opinions are so commonplace really pisses me off. The desire to procreate is a ridiculously ordinary (though not universal) part of being human, so why shouldn't anyone be allowed to use the parts they have to make a baby if they want to? Or be allowed to find other reasonable ways to make it happen? :throws-table.gif:

Ugh. I'll get off of my soapbox now.

All that said, if the space I'm nurturing and the community we're all building is one of support, encouragement, and affirmation, then that's a dream fulfilled for me. We may be stuck feeling like an Other elsewhere thanks to societal stupidity, but not here. Here we're all as incredible and sexy and fertile as we wish to be, and I refuse to hear otherwise.

You're awesome, Aster. Try to stay positive, do what you can to take care of your troublesome bits, and love yourself the way you are. And if you ever need to vent about this stuff, my DMs are open, okay?

I adore all of you horny, breedable fuckers. 💖 Don't any of you forget it.

[crooked-wasteland]

I asked in anon cause im very insecure and I worry Im just annoying other people. So, I asked first to know if it was okay. Now I feel a bit more safe to ask openly.

I have been worried about myself. Doubts. Like, how do I know if I believe in something because I truly do or just because everyone does? Idk what to do. It started when I doubted my religion (im agnostic) and idk, it scared me, like, what if im wrong about something else? How can I know?

What would your advice be? 👉👈

I don’t believe in taking people, such as yourself, and forcibly moulding them into some image of myself. I do not want you to become me. Unfortunately, I am still just a person. I can give you summaries, explanations, and recommendations. I can tell you both sides of an argument to allow you to make up your own mind. However, you will need to maintain your critical thinking throughout this. Like I said, I am not trying to turn you into me, but I will have biases. I will lean far more into existentialist framing because of this.

With that said, there seems to be a strong fear of being “wrong”. And before I even start, I want us to be on the same page with removing the moral judgement that we often associate with “wrongness”. There is nothing bad about being wrong. And as you delve deeper into epistemology, you’ll find a lot of debates about if there even is such a thing as being “right”. And that’s why we should remove this idea of moral or character value that comes with “right”. It closes our minds to new information, it forces us to defend ourselves against contrary evidence, and it removes our innate value in our humanity. I want to emphasize that no matter how “wrong” we think someone is, the real value of their character comes from why they believe the way they do.

The question “What Does it Mean to Know” is abstract even at its surface, but I will do my best to keep this accessible. As such, I will summarize in as plain a language as I can the different approaches to this question. To define Epistemology is the consideration of the nature (what it is), scope (where it comes from), and limits of Knowledge as a concept.

Socrates said “I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.” Credited as the father of modern philosophy, Socrates would go out to the Athenian markets and would ask questions of anyone who would stay to talk to him. Plato, a student of Socrates who later became teacher to Aristotle, wrote that an oracle at Delphi told a friend of his teacher that “No one is wiser than Socrates”. In this story, Socrates sets out on a quest to prove the oracle wrong as he doesn’t know what wisdom he has. He goes to the political leaders, but they also have no wisdom to be found. He visits the poets but he determines that, while talented, they aren’t wise. And when he approaches the craftsmen he finds them knowledgeable about their crafts, but they think they know more than they actually do.

The modern concept of Knowledge is rooted in Socratic Ignorance. Asking the questions that feel obvious is the first step to becoming aware of yourself as an individual mind. This is what Socrates called “Care of the Soul.” Analyzing ourselves and the world, thus seeking our place in it, is how we care for the well-being of our spirit. After being found guilty of “corrupting the youth”, Socrates was condemned to death. At this, Socrates proclaimed, “The unexamined life is not worth living for human beings”.

In this way, Socrates defined the foundation of Knowledge as Awareness rather than Answers. This sets up his reasoning into the basis of “Universal Definitions”. The greatest folly of reason we fall into is the belief that all persons carry the same understanding of words and concepts that we do. We often forget our place and superimpose our identity onto those we are communicating with. Words are intangible constructs that we have agreed conveys meaning. But if someone were to say “chair”, what image comes to mind? A firm plastic stool and a plush, upholstered recliner are both “chair”. And one cannot convey the image of which chair is appropriate when discussing the events surrounding the “chair”. So one would ask for more information on said chair. Is it firm or soft? Is it large or small? These seem like unnecessary questions, but in order to understand the world, there must be a basis of awareness of the third subject in the discussion.

This leads into Hegel’s basis of “Truth” in the 1807 essay The Epistemology of Spirit. Hegel argued that the ability to conceptualize a concrete Truth was at odds with how we functionally interact with the world. To condense the example given from this video essay summarizing Hegel’s writings, there is the worm and there is the rock, but there is also the “I” examining the worm and the rock. In no way will I be able to truly know what it means to be the worm encountering the rock. Furthermore, in no way could I comprehend the idea of how a worm would conceptualize my mere presence as an observer in its encounter with the rock.

Just as atoms are never touching each other, we are always barred from accessing this objective realm of reality through the barrier of being an ever present subject in the design of said reality. Truth will always be to some degree subjective. And thus the act of knowing will always be dampened by the limited myopic lens of our own perspectives. We are forever doomed to fall short of ultimate truths. So the most objectively correct understanding we can conceptualize Knowledge as is to know that one will never truly know.

At the same time, we cannot simply sit in stagnant impotence. Which is where Camus' Absurd Freedom comes in. When it comes time to figure out what you believe, you have to simply decide what that is. You have to simply choose what you believe, which is why it is so important to remember that no matter how ironclad we think our reasoning is, at the end of the day it is still just an arbitrary choice we made.

I’m not sure how much of this will actually be helpful as advice. To be frank, this all boils down to:

Always leave space open to be wrong

There is nothing Bad about being Wrong

Remember you are limited in what you can realistically know

Ask questions, no matter how simple/obvious they seem.

I understand if this may not be the advice you were seeking, and if there is any specific advice you seek from me, you know my inbox is open. But I hope this could help you feel less overwhelmed by the unknown. It’s terrifying to be questioning everything, and it takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to question what you have always taken for granted. I hope this little essay could maybe inspire a sense of grounding against the turbulence of existential crises.

[nashdoesstuff]

okay more detailed undertale appreciation post

tw for depression, suicidal ideation

four years ago, the pandemic happened. not great, isolation, whatever. i remember feeling really empty when i saw the news in march declaring a lockdown. that meant i wouldn’t be able to go to school and see my friends.

even when we called virtually, i was sad that i couldn’t hug them, that i couldn’t have that connection. there was something about it that made me really upset to the point where it was a daily occurrence for me to not eat and sit in my room to think about too many not-so-positive things.

i was mindlessly going through youtube a few days later, and i saw this video from 5 years ago. it was by jacksepticeye, and it had interested me because he was playing this game that i had heard of the september before, by the name of undertale.

i watched that first video. then the next. then the next thing i knew i was binging it in its entirety. after i watched it, i started doing research on the game itself. i went on pinterest to find fanart of everything i had seen. i played roblox games cosplaying as sans, and i had fun. fun, even with the suffering i endured and everyone else i knew endured.

there, i made friends. great friends, actually. we all cosplayed and roleplayed the silliest of fanon content. i learned about the utmv and soon after i had it was the only thing i knew. learning about ink’s creativity, about dream’s positivity, about nightmare’s moving on, about killer and color, about characters that suffered worse than i was suffering carrying on from their past and trauma made me think that “maybe i could do that too.”

every time i would open my laptop, i would be so excited to roleplay and meet new people with my interest. to pull that next all nighter. to finish where we had left off. to come up with the next idea, the next plotpoint, the next story.

even with all of the sadness in the world, even with feeling so disconnected and depressed and feeling like nobody would care if i died because so many people were already dying, i had something to look forward to. and it all started thanks to a project created by toby fox.

now, undertale and its aus are my special interest. part of it could have been because it was my saving grace. part of it could have been toby’s genius. part of it could have been the community’s creativity. whatever it is, i love it now. and if it weren’t for this game, i don’t think this account would have even existed to begin with.

with that, i say happy birthday undertale. thank you for what you have done for me and for countless others. thank you for providing me with a community that understands me better than anyone i have met does. thank you for SAVING my life.