#Not to belittle anyone’s desires

[teenagefeeling]

joey and rachel should have ended up together i will die on that hill forever

[theranilord]

• Shit, dude, her MOM had it? When she tells you what she wants from this fight, you have GOT to respect that she has way more.knowledge and experience than you on this subject from both sides now. Please listen to her and support her.

• Oh, Jack you smooth motherfucker!

• Ooh, another female serial killer?

[catcomixzstudios]

I'm going to make history by being the first pre-HRT transwoman to feel guilty about my attraction to women

[gtgbabie0]

Aegon Targaryen x Wife!Reader

Synopsis: {Aegon takes pleasure in his cups… and in between your thighs although it’s all the same to him}

!!-18//MDNI-!!

The hour of the bat was well and truly upon Kings Landing, the crescent moon resting against the abyss of the night sky as it casts down a silvery hue that bleeds throughout the Red Keep. With the absence of the sun, you found peace, resting on the velvety divan with a book in hand.

You were lost within the chapters as Aegon paces the length of your bedchambers before collapsing next to you on the divan, leaning up against cushions with a heavy sigh.

“They all belittle me… they all take me for a fool.” He huffs, pointing over to the door of your chambers, still complaining about today’s council meeting with a deep frown. You had already said your piece yet it seems Aegon was not done venting to you.

He looks up to you, opening his mouth to complain about how you ‘need to pay attention to him and not the book’ however the words fall short, dissolving on the tip of his tongue as he stares at you completely star-stuck.

His lips curl into a lopsided grin, the sight of you and the slightly sheer fabric of your nightslip that veils your body, how the fireplace bathes you in a warm orangey light, you had a beauty that captivated him wholly.

“Fuck them… fuck, all of them.” He declares suddenly, although deep down he doesn’t mean the words, not really, you can tell by the way his amethyst eyes flicker with hesitation, glancing down at his fidgeting hands.

“Aegon—” you start, but your words are quickly cut off by him, his rough palm resting against your cheek.

His gaze meets your own, shuffling closer to you, his lips curling downwards in a nonchalant manner. “No, I don’t need any of them, just you.” His words are hushed, only meant for your ears.

With a sigh your eyes soften in an understanding, for you know his only desire is to be admired or at the very least just simply liked. You close your book, leaning over him to place it on the wooden table.

“And you have me, no matter what the future holds.” You reaffirm his words, watching him closely as he lets out a shaky sigh which he tries his best to conceal.

There was an instability in Aegon’s life, save for you, his only constant in a world of ever-changing conditions. Perhaps that is why he clings to you the way he does, arms wrapped tightly around your soft waist with his head nuzzled into the crook of your neck.

“I am not as malleable as they think… I will win, I will burn down anyone who goes against me.” He whispers against the curve of your jaw, confidence weighing against his tone. His hand slips in between the gap of your nightslip to caress your bare waist down to your hip, the cool metal of his wedding band sends a chill down your spine.

He needed a distraction, the pressure from the heavy crown he never asked for was too much for him to endure alone. He needed to not feel like such a disappointment for even just a small moment.

He kisses the small spot behind your ear, an invitation, to which your head instinctively tilts to the side, enticing him to leave open-mouthed kisses along your neck. His lips linger against your pulse point with a small grin, the sound of your pleasured sigh hitting his ears.

“Of course, I do not doubt you, you know that.” You whisper through a shaky voice, steeped in desire. Your body jolts, a soft gasp, at the feeling of his teeth nipping the sensitive skin on your throat before kissing the spot once then twice.

He hums in acknowledgement, pulling back to admire you. His palm still cupping your cheek with a certain hint of possessiveness, it shows in the way he thumbs at your bottom lip. “Hmm, you might be the only one who does, my pretty wife.” He whispers, all of his worries and troubles slowly ebbing away.

The atmosphere around the pair of you suddenly changes, the air becoming so thick that you’re sure it could snuff out the candles around you.

“Yours… all yours Aegon.” The words come out in one breath, tumbling past your parted lips as his fingertips graze along your lower abdomen, slipping through the coarse hair on your mound before dipping past your slick folds.

The rough pads of his finger slides along your slit to collect your wetness before finding your clit, rubbing slow circles against the sensitive bud, testing the waters, as you melt into the divan. Aegon chuckles against your shoulder, enjoying the way your thighs spread and your hips writhe with desperation for more.

He sinks down onto the floor, kneeling between your thighs, ready to pray at the altar of your body. He immediately pushes the silk fabric of your nightdress up past your thighs, letting it pool around your hips.

“I’ve been deprived of you for weeks…” he mutters, leaving marks against your hip-bones, sucking at the sensitive skin, before soothing them with a gentle kiss or two.

You watch his lilac eyes go dark with a carnal craving, the way his hands greedily feel up your thighs, squeezing the supple fat harshly, it all only elicits more gasps and moans from you.

He coos against the inside of your thigh, nudging one leg over his shoulder and propping the other up on the divan to spread out in front of him, the sight of your soaked cunt going straight to his hardening cock. “I’ll be gentle… so gentle.” He smirks, a lie, lips trailing over your inner thighs with all tongue and teeth as your hips buck upwards in anticipation.

He tuts, fingers digging into your hips to keep you still. All too suddenly he’s tugging you closer to him roughly, making you slouch against the cushions of the divan with a shocked gasp.

Your fingers bury within his white choppy hair, pulling him closer to your aching heat as his tongue trails along your cunt, flicking against your clit with a groan. He smirks into your soaked folds, the sound of your whiny moans, the way his name falls from your parted lips in a hunger only he could satisfy, it all makes his skin burn.

“Keep moaning… let me hear you.” He encourages, words muffled against your slickness, lips pressed to your clit, leaving open-mouthed kisses against your sensitive bud trying to elicit more sweet noises from your lips as he hums in delight.

A broken moan escapes you, your hips grinding upwards in tandem with his lips and tongue. “Oh, Aegon… more please.” You cry out, a woman possessed by pleasure.

It is the same possession that causes you to arch your back up from the divan to try and get closer to him. His fingers squeezing into your hips, a warning, his tongue lapping up your desire before teasing your entrance, practically drinking from you as if you were a chalice of Arbor Red.

Aegon flattens his tongue against your cunt, licking up to your clit once more with a muffled moan, sucking on it with delight. “Tastes so sweet…” The vibrations from his words only serve to add to the searing heat that begins to pool deep within your lower abdomen, leaving you a panting mess.

“Aegon, don’t stop… I’m so close.” your hands pull helplessly at his hair, drawing him impossibly closer. He chuckles at your wanton need, how you shamelessly grind yourself against his mouth without a care in the world.

He pushes his fingers inside of you with ease, humming in pleasure at the way your heat sucks in his digits. Aegon fucks you with them you at a tantalising pace whilst licking at your sensitive bud. You look down at him, your mouth agape, watching his head move against you so eagerly as you teeter along the line of release.

“Gods— Aegon!” You cry out his name with a broken moan, your slick walls clamping around his fingers as he continues to curl them deep inside you, still kissing greedily at your clit. He mumbles sweet, loving words of encouragement as he drinks up your orgasm. The wet sounds fill the silence of your bedchambers as you come down from your high with shaky breaths that come out in puffs.

He looks up at you with a cocky smirk, pride blooming through his chest, his lips and chin slick with your release. He pushes himself back onto the divan, leaning over you. “You are truly all I need, all I want.” He whispers feverishly, his fingers wrapping around your jaw to bring your lips to his own.

The taste of you against his lips is all you need to deepen the messy kiss, both of you melting into each other's warmth in a mixture of lust and love. He would take this as long as he could, until you were completely satiated. And even then, he would push for more. He was addicted to you.

[melshifting]

～S/O extras for your script! 𐙚

• [001] You both know how to balance between spending time together and when to remain individual, ensuring that your bond feels fresh and not suffocating.

• [002] You always feel wanted; whether through subtle gestures, glances or spontaneous romantic moments, there's no doubt about how your partner feels about you.

• [003] Your partner's compliments are neither generic nor obligatory. Each is so specific and sincere that it makes you feel truly seen and appreciated.

• [004] Your S/O never compares you to anyone else, making you feel like the only person who matters; they're totally focused on you only.

• [005] They never make you feel like you are asking for too much, even if your desires are unusual or require some effort. They meet your needs with enthusiasm and willingness to make you happy.

• [006] Your S/O naturally avoids doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure, even unintentionally.

• [007] They seem to have an inexhaustible reserve of patience for your pet peeves, frustrations, or bad days, always responding with love and understanding rather than irritation.

• [008] Even in a room full of people, their eyes always find you first - there is an undeniable attraction that draws them directly to you, wherever you are.

• [009] When something in your relationship doesn't work out, they take the necessary responsibility without deflecting blame, showing maturity rather than spite.

• [010] Your S/O never tries to turn you into someone else. Instead, they fall more in love with you for the things that make you unique.

• [011] They always validate your feelings, and never belittle or despise them, even if sometimes they don't fully understand them.

• [012] They never allow the opinion of others to cloud their view of you, including their friends and family if that were the case.

• [013] No one else could captivate them like you - they're not physically/literally capable of looking at anyone in the same way.

• [014] When they tell you 'I love you', it is not just a statement, but an unbreakable vow. Not only do they love you, but they have a devotion that words can't explain.

• [015] They will never let you go to sleep upset. Even if you have to stay up all night to work things out, they can't rest until things are right between you.

• [016] They don't just want you, they need you, in an almost primal way - as if the thought of being apart for too long physically hurts them.

────୨ৎ────

[acid-ixx]

chapter five dialogue spoilers

— masterlist !

"you don't fucking understand jason!

— i don't need your help, or anyone else's. you have never been there for me! never been there for all the times i suffered because of your death! so don't even try to make a difference now!"

"— no way, did you dare scold me just now, jason. out of all the times i nearly got killed, you decided to save me by the time i accepted my death?! this isn't the first fucking time this happened to me and it wouldn't be the last."

"hell, the only first that happened this time was that one of you actually came to save me, so don't you fucking belittle me and call me impulsive and selfish when i can and have handled all this alone."

"jason... i don't want to be his favorite, i never want to be, fuck—!"

"i never wanted to be an athlete like dick, or as academically talented like you, or some crazed detective like tim, or as skilled as an assassin like damian! i don't even have the determination steph has or barbara's perseverance to continue fighting alongside all of you! i can't even reach cassandra's level of fighting, and i certainly don't have powers like duke!"

"— all of you guys are so fucking talented, and here i am, so pathetic for thinking i can reach the same level as you all when i can't!"

"i just can't, jason! so how could i have the damn audacity to desire being bruce's priority when each and every one of you are beyond my level?!"

"i never wanted to be bruce's favorite, jason! i just..."

"... i just wanted to be his child."

"i just want to be selfish for once... i want to see him the same way he looks at you back then, every damn time he stares at your grave, while i watch by the fucking windows, wishing it was me he looked at."

"i wanted him to look at me, and think of me as important as you, or even just a semblance of it..."

"god, i don't even want him to see me as a priority, i don't want him to see me and think i'm the best damn thing in the world, but i want him to stare and think, 'this is my child,' without any second thoughts, without any regards for my dirty fucking past."

"... we're not even siblings anymore, we're just strangers to each other—"

"that's not true, angel. don't even... don't even think of saying that..."

"why are you trying so hard to push us away?! push me away right after you.. you opened up?!"

"because we're not family anymore, goddamnit! care for me, care for me like you care for all those strangers getting mugged in the street! not as my brother—!"

"i am your brother, (name)!

and i care for you, more than you can ever fucking imagine, so don't... don't fucking push me away! not especially right after i almost lost you!"

a/n: hi guys, sorry for the random inactivity. i've been at an all time low with depression and that directly affected my motivation to write. lately, imposter syndrome alongside self-esteem issues did hinder me from commiting to writing events, and most especially this series. it's a very loved one, i know, for all the comments, thank you a lot for supporting me. but sometimes there're times i'm close to nearly deactivating this account. for everyone hoping for the next part; i don't know when, or how i'll be able to, but soon.

[annabelle--cane]

so um. I think I accidentally figured out who my hater anon is. saw a post by happenstance that pinged my "hang on this sounds familiar" alarm, searched a keyword on their blog, and found a couple of posts with almost exactly the same wording and overall syntax as the anons I've gotten, made on the same days I received them. not sure what to do about this one, I don't think that would be enough evidence for a proper harassment report even if staff weren't running on a skeleton crew, and I am not too keen on the ethics of publicizing their url, but. uhhh. I might? if they don't back off?

so, as a final peace offering, an open letter to my weird hater anon:

from what I can tell, your problem is not actually with me, it is with how tma is written, and I just happen to like and frequently talk about the parts you hate the most. we have a fundamental disagreement about a work of art that we're both invested in, but That's Fine, we can and should just block each other. heck, I think I've had your main blocked for like two years maybe, and hey presto you stopped passively annoying me with your posts until you started regularly directly harassing me in my inbox and serially block evading.

you seem to be motivated, at least in part, by a desire for people to treat addicts with more sympathy. that's great! love that for you. I also wish people would treat addicts with more sympathy, this is a matter on which we can both agree. the problem is, you are directing all of that desire for sympathy towards a fictional character who does not exist and cannot ever feel pain or suffering while continually insulting and belittling me, a real life human addict who can feel pain and suffering, whenever I talk about the themes of addiction I enjoy and relate to as they are presented in that fictional character. you clearly receive my analysis of this piece of fiction as demonizing of addiction and condoning violence against addicts, and I as the person who is me shrimply know that is not what I have ever said nor thought, because, and I really cannot stress this enough, I am an addict, and have been since I was fourteen of god's own years old. I do not believe that I, or anyone like me, should be "put down like a dog" for having disordered patterns of substance use, and I find it frankly offensive that you would repeatedly accuse me of advocating for that both in my inbox and in a series of vagues on your main.

I am usually much more didactic and direct in anything I say about real life human non-allegorical substance addiction, but, to be as fair as is possible, you might have missed most of what I've posted on that topic in the recent past, as I talk about it considerably less than I did 2-3 years ago. this is because when I talk directly about it without the oven mitts of metaphor, people are usually very quick to inform me that they think I'm not human and should be put down like a dog. believe it or not, I don't really enjoy this. even when it's coming from easily blockable faceless anons, there was really only so much of that I was willing to voluntarily subject myself to before deciding to be a bit more judicious about when and where I talk about addiction in public online spaces.

I tell you the above for two reasons.

1. to let you know that I'm intimately familiar with the kind of dehumanization you keep accusing me of and appear to believe that only you can truly understand. for realsies, I am sorry that anyone has ever made you feel like that, that feeling is the kind of awful and insidious that's hard to ever fully shake, and I'm doubly sorry that you feel like no one else gets it and the world is uncompassionate to your experience. I profoundly get it, if I went into any of my offline history with addiction in my mid teens then this would become unpostably upsetting, and I know that kind of thing makes one liable to be prickly and lash out.

2. to explain as clearly as I can that your harassment does not come in isolation, and why I take such an issue with it. I can't make bland-ass PSAs about treating substance users like human beings without people coming into my inbox with stories of abuse and explanations of why this makes it okay for them to hope all addicts die alone and in pain, I can't make casual personal posts about addiction without people coming into my inbox with graphic accounts of loved ones' overdoses and demands to know why I'm encouraging substance abuse, and now, because of you, I can't even talk about. fucking. jon podcastman's metaphorical addiction-like character arc about peeping the horrors and feeling like the torture sphere had a sort of "je ne sais quoi" without risk. it is very hard to exist as an addict on tumblr dot edu, and you are singlehandedly making my one relatively low-stakes outlet for talking about it like 5x more inhospitable. you are one arm of the great machine making this site hostile to me and people like me.

so, like, maybe you still hate my fiction podcast analysis posts and the ideology you read them as conveying, that's your right, so block me, add my url to your content filtering, and move on. you cannot be honest with me and tell me again that you think I believe addicts should be summarily executed because of, and I say once more, my fiction podcast analysis posts, but the great news is that there is no malevolent entity out there forcing you to tell me that over and over again. you can just hit da bricks and Stop.

after many attempts at blocking you that you have repeatedly bypassed, I am explicitly laying down the final boundary that I do not want you ever interacting with me again.

you are thirty-two of god's own years old. give it a rest.

[shouts-into-the-void]

Just read screenshots of the Aaron extra chapter and I have so many thoughts, so here they are:

It's always so funny to me to be reminded of the fact that the animosity between Aaron and Neil is mostly one-sided. Like, Neil finds Aaron frustrating, but all the antagonistic stuff he does to him is ultimately in service of helping him in some way and while he's angry when Aaron provokes him, he otherwise regards him with disinterest and even expresses the desire to see what he's like when he's relaxed and enjoying himself during the party with the Vixens. Meanwhile Aaron just really hates that man.

I really appreciated Nora using this chapter to clear up some of the gripes a lot of the fandom has had with Aaron's character in the past and confirm that Aaron's comments to Nicky have to do with his cousin making graphic and unwanted sexual advances on their teammates, and his accusations towards Neil were from a place of concern for his brother. I also liked that it was pointed out that of course he would have at least some internalized homophobia due to being raised by religious zealots in a conservative area, but is unlearning it due to Nicky.

On a similar note, I'm glad that we were provided the context that Nicky's inappropriate behavior is a defense mechanism to weed out people who might hurt him rather than legitimate advances, because I think the fandom tends to forget that he is also a character with extreme trauma written outside of the "perfect victim" stereotype. His actions aren't okay, but the entire point is that they are the result of what he's had to endure just like every other member of the team

The implication that Andrew specifically signed with the Foxes so Aaron could go to college

Aaron and Andrew have the same nervous habit of picking at loose thread

It causes me physical pain to see Andrew clearly trying to open up to Aaron about his self-harm, but because his way of communicating is less straightforward (he doesn't lie, but he because he stuggles to confront and be open with his emotions, he presents the truth in flowery, vague language) and because the two dont really know or understand each other, Aaron can't fully grasp the implications of what he's saying

On the subject of things that cause me physical pain: baby Aaron telling his mom that he wanted to be a neurosurgeon like the people on TV and her laughing and saying he'd never make anything of himself. Fuck Tilda Minyard, all my homies hate Tilda.

Andrew is so uncomfortable, someone Get Him Out of There.

Going off that and his nervous habits (that Aaron mentions he did often enough to be noticable as a habit premedication), I am highkey wondering if the reason Sober Andrew doesn't talk to anyone outside Neil is because he's just. Socially Awkward.

We get a little bit of insight into Andrew's "misogyny" (I personally think distrusting certain people as a result of extreme personal trauma is a little bit different than just being sexist, in the same way women distrusting men because they're used to being harassed and belittled isn't misandry, but that's up to your personal opinion) and that his distain for Katelyn comes from the fact that he thinks she's stringing Aaron along and will turn out to be awful like his previous girlfriends (there's also a notable implication that Aaron has the same self-destructive tendencies as Andrew, and may be why he went out of his way to get him into college and on the straight-and-narrow) also see that this extends to Bee as well despite their close relationship, with him being so afraid that she'd reject him for being gay that he can't even look at her while talking about Neil, probably made worse by the fact that she's a maternal figure for him, which is where this trauma response originates.

Aaron is the only person on the team who's aware that Andrew hasn't slept with Neil, and the only one to grasp the significance of the fact that they've gotten close to that point already despite Andrew's trauma, outside of Renee

It was overall really interesting to see inside Aaron's head (I actually wouldn't mind a book from his perspective, he has a similar way of thinking to Neil but much more grounded) and to see Andrew through the lense of someone who just views him as Just A Guy

[angelboyliveson]

nerd4nerd when??

nerds who have grown up feeling so utterly isolated by their peers that they have learnt to put up a wall around anyone new that tries to enter their life, shame surrounds all of their dorky hobbies and interests because of the scrutiny they've faced for being "different"

nerds who feel safe for the first time when they learn they can embrace each other instead of trying to connect with people who belittle their existence.

nerds who can geek out about music, games, and films together and then 15 minutes later explore their most twisted perversions with each other. nerds who have developed taboo kinks as a result of being bullied and excluded their whole life. nerds who playfight like naughty dogs, each one trying to gain dominance to feed the desire for control they were starved from growing up.

nerds that are relentlessly horny and were under the impression they were gonna die virgins until they met each other. nerds who share a few joints every Friday and then rub their soaked crotches together, choke each other out, share another joint, repeat.

nerds who develop a sick codependent bond because they've never known joy and lust like this outside of each other.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing a "Narcissistic" Character

Narcissist - an entitled and sometimes arrogant and manipulative person who primarily views other people as means to their own ends.

Some narcissists might come across as unpleasant, but others are charismatic and engaging until you cross them.

A covert narcissist like this might shift from acting like a charming adult to throwing a temper tantrum when they realize you won’t give in to their demands.

You might find you encounter more narcissists in fields centered around competition or winning.

For example, a well-meaning entrepreneur might come across a competitor or colleague with an extremely inflated sense of self—and this might present speed bumps for both parties.

Similarly, family law and divorce lawyers come across many people exhibiting narcissistic traits in their personal lives and must negotiate with that in mind.

As a caveat, although you might be able to accurately theorize as to whether or not someone possesses narcissistic tendencies, you should leave diagnosing someone with an actual narcissistic personality disorder to a professional.

Key Narcissistic Traits

You can spot narcissistic traits if you know what to look for specifically. Some qualities to keep in mind to identify narcissism:

Innate sense of entitlement: Everyone wants things to go their way if possible, but narcissists expect them to at all times and at all costs. The average person is willing to compromise and anticipates delayed rather than instant gratification in many scenarios. A narcissist, by contrast, expects everyone to be a willing contributor to their happiness all day, every day, no matter the extenuating circumstances. Psychologists call this endless drive for gratification at the expense of others “narcissistic supply.”

Inflated view of self: It’s one thing to be confident, it’s quite another to think you’re the most important person in the room at all times. Someone with narcissistic tendencies expects everyone to treat them like a king or queen. They often fall into delusions of grandeur and bouts of self-mythologizing to justify why people need to bow to their whims at all times.

Lack of empathy: Narcissistic abuse is common due to the lack of empathy such an attitude engenders. When someone considers their needs above anyone else’s, it makes them less likely to understand other people and more likely to hurt others to get what they want.

Prone toward manipulation: If you’re dealing with a narcissist, expect them to pull out manipulative tricks to get you to do what they want. This might mean gaslighting, belittling, or outright lying to you in the interest of throwing you off balance and getting you to succumb to their demands.

How to Negotiate With a Narcissist

Navigating the negotiation process with a narcissist might be difficult, but it’s definitely doable. Remember these tips as you advocate for yourself with someone who cares more about their own ego:

Iron out concrete details. Before entering a negotiation scenario with a narcissist, sit down and ask what you want out of the negotiations. Try journaling or filling out a worksheet to help you figure out your needs. You can also rely on third parties to help you do this more effectively. For example, if you’re trying to leave a narcissistic spouse, your divorce attorney can assist on this front.

Play to their narcissistic tendencies. To get what you want from a narcissist, sometimes you have to give them what they desire most: adoration. Of course, you can merely feign this sense of awe—stroking their ego with the knowledge you’re only doing so as a negotiation tactic. For example, suppose you’re in law school dealing with a narcissistic professor who has a track record of grading final exams unfairly unless a student praises their teaching. In this scenario, you could tell them you appreciated their lecture or you listened to their podcast as you leave class one day to get them on your side.

Practice emotional detachment. Negotiating with a narcissist can get ugly. Devaluing and abusing other people is one of the central tools in a narcissist’s arsenal. Especially if you’re in an emotional situation already—like a divorce case—it’s paramount to try to practice as much mindful detachment as you can. Remind yourself their words do not define you or reflect reality. For that matter, in this scenario, you can also rely in part on other parties to do your negotiating for you—that’s a major reason people pay attorney’s fees in the first place.

Stand your ground. Even if you grit your teeth and stroke a narcissist’s ego to get a concession at times, it’s important to stand your ground and maintain your sense of self. Always negotiate like you matter—because you do, regardless of any abuse they might hurl your way. Narcissists, at their root, are often very insecure—and your self-awareness and confidence can trump these insecurities in a negotiation scenario. Remind yourself you are strong and your own well-being is your first priority—this way, you can leave interactions like this knowing your pride and your feelings of self-worth are still intact.

Source ⚜ More: Writing Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

[marielle555]

The UA path is my heaviest gaming experience.

I want to say right away, that I'm not trying to belittle anyone else's gaming experience or impose my point of view on anyone else about what's going on in the game. Neither am I trying to criticize the game BG3 as such (after all, in order to love the game, it is not necessary to use in your playthroughs all the opportunities provided by the game, and the fact that some variants of the playthrough may be hard for my perception and I do not want to use them in my main playthroughs, does not diminish my love for the game as long as other options are possible). In this post, I want to share my personal experience of passing on the so-called “good” route of Astarion and do my own analysis of what happens to him in this case.

I love to play RPG games with full immersion, imagining myself in the character's place, and the first playthrough should be blind, without spoilers, so as not to spoil the impression. In the case of BG3, unfortunately, it was not possible to completely protect myself from outside information, because even a banal search for screenshots with Astarion led to the fact that the eye somehow clung to arguments about how bad and scary it will be to help him Ascend and “you will lose him”. The specific torment with Astarion began with a phrase in the diary that appears after completing his personal quest (if you talk him out of the ritual): “Astarion's fate is sealed. He will be a vampire spawn for the rest of his days.” Astarion himself also talks about never seeing the sun again. The desire to play through the game without spoilers no longer mattered after that, and I found detailed descriptions with companions' lines and Tav's behavior, videos of Astarion's “good” ending (without the Ascension). It was during patch 4 and it was the ending, which just nullified the entire game for me, an ending I would never want to see in my playthrough. For me, as a player, who really loved Astarion, who had this character became the center of the entire game world, all the former sincere love and admiration for the world of Baldur at that moment simply changed to hatred for all the others that will enjoy life and see the sun. The rest of the plot was not important, it didn't matter what was going on around, other companions and all these side quests, what difference did it make, what happens next, if it all ends up like this.

And although before that I had accidentally learned about Astarion after reading one of the articles in a game magazine, that he turns down a lot of people at a party, I did not read any guides on principle, I wanted realistic roleplay without hints. And there were no problems with the romance, despite all the initial prickliness and regular disapproval, Astarion suddenly wowed me by asking me for a date even before any party, when I was even totally not expecting it. It was simply amazing. And the sea of tenderness and love that comes over me after the confession scene in the second act is hard to describe. It feels like you're holding his wounded heart in your hands, holding it as gently as you can, and there's nothing more precious in the whole world than that. And I'm going to go drinking with these idiots in a tavern in the finale, celebrating some sort of “victory,” while Astarion burns? Astarion in this ending looked like some kind of outcast, an object to be bullied, he's cheated, he's in pain, and he's forced to flee again, hiding from the sun. Is such a world even worth fighting for? Hardly. Well, of course, I also read all sorts of “horror stories” about Ascension: “Astarion becomes an abuser”, “Astarion will never respect you again” and similar nonsense. Just giving up on the game was hindered by the feeling that by doing so I was still betraying Astarion, leaving him a spawn. I decided, against all the “scaremongering” to Ascend Astarion, bring him to an adequate ending and call it a day. What a wonderful reward I received for that and what a wonderful happy playthrough I had is a separate story, a story that is still ongoing.

Of course, for the sake of understanding Astarion's character and compiling a complete picture, it's necessary to go through the game both ways, and I later decided to explore the UA path, without roleplay, but with attention to Astarion and his scenes, to understand what he's feeling along this route and how “good” it really is for him.

The scene of the abandonment of the ritual. It is not infrequently written that Astarion experiences “catharsis.” Where do we see catharsis? Yes, the very opportunity to take revenge on his tormentor, when Astarion stabs Cazador multiple times - this is catharsis, but after Astarion realizes that he has to give up the dream of becoming alive again, no purification or liberation occurs as a result. Next we see tears and cries of pain followed by a depressed state.

His tears in the scene of refusing the ritual are the most bitter, a grimace of real pain on his face.

Then there is doom and a kind of detachment, exhaustion…

It's the face of a doomed man. It is the face of a man who is depressed, a man who has resigned himself to the fact that he has nothing more to want and that nothing good awaits him, and he realizes it. There is no more hope. Astarion has cried his tears and now he humbles himself. Humbling himself and adjusting and this “new way” is not what he wanted. Astarion cries if he doesn't ascend, not only when the pain and grief of what has been taken from him hits him, but also the realization that there is nothing to get back, the realization of the future that awaits him. If you fail the persuasion check needed to get him to give up the ritual, Astarion will make it very clear why he doesn't want that life.

It is also interesting to note the moment when Astarion first met the Gur's after the death of Cazador.

“It is noteworthy how Spawn seems to say compassionate things that "saved Ulma from having to kill her children themselves," and then when he realized that his trick had worked, he abruptly changes his face and smiles slyly and says with relief, "You will stop following me, right?" I interpret this as "I'll say anything as long as you stop hunting me."

To me, it's a clear demonstration that he continues to wear a mask and says things to protect himself, not because he really feels for Ulma. And we must not forget that Astarion hates the Gur's, because they almost killed him and because of them he ended up in slavery. Therefore, it is reasonable that he wants to destroy them when he gets the chance.” © channel author AlexKhodja

Depression (or pain, suffering, doom, in general, the morbidly depressive emotional spectrum) is also evident in the scenes that follow.

The scene after the ritual (responding to Tav's line “I'm proud of you…”).

Astarion: “I’m glad you think so, because I’m not so sure. I just feel numb.”

And the voice and expression in which Astarion says: “I want to feel alive again.”

And how different that is from his “I feel alive, hahaha!”

Time 10.46

Also Astarion's line in the dialogue after: "I should probably start getting used to the shadows again. Who knows how long I have left in the sun?"

I can't help but think of how Astarion meets the dawn in the Act 1 scene, after a first night with him.

In this interesting video (combining the Astarion Origin version with the Astarion companion version in the meeting scene with Dalyria and Petras in the flophouse)

Time 4.09.

Response to Tav: "You did the right thing, stopping the Black Mass."

“I know. That doesn’t mean it stings any less”.

Tav: “And if it is? Can you live with what?”

"I'll have to. But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

When Astarion says: “Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror…” he makes a gesture with his hand, as if trying to find the best words, to think of what to say next, before continuing: “… that started centuries ago.”

It's so artificial, and… When has Astarion ever expressed himself like that once throughout the game?

In response to Tav's line, "I wasn't sure if you'd stop the ritual or not, honestly." Astarion replies more sincerely, "I am - well, not 'happy' with how things turned out. But this does feel right."

The scene in the graveyard is sad, though it touches the heart. It was sad to hear him retort, “You were patient.” It sounds kind of self-deprecating, as if one had to “be patient” with Astarion, as if one couldn't love him unconditionally for what he is, as if one couldn't love all the manifestations of his lively and vivid character and be happy to have him around. And about the “objectively stupid thing to do” is also very sad to hear.

Also for Astarion, Tav has a pretty nasty line in this scene, “Then don't mess it up,” and the bitter part is that if you check it, Astarion will respond:

He accepts it. He accepts that attitude. He will endeavor to please. That kind of captures the whole essence of this “arch of redemption.”

And an even nastier line: “That sounds very sincere. Are you sure the parasite hasn’t chewed through your brain?”

And Astarion just lets him be treated that way:

Well, in this scene at least, not all lines for the player are bad. 1 adequate (“You won't. Whatever comes next. I've got you.”) to 2 bad lines. All-in-all, 1 is much better than 0, there's an opportunity for choice. But Astarion… Astarion thinks he deserves to be treated the way Tav treats him in the other 2, toxic lines. Where do we have “equal relationship” here? If the developers wanted to show AA “toxic” in such a way that the player would believe it, they should have just given him those two lines about “don't mess it up” and “parasite hasn't chewed through your brain” and not had to take away the player's agency, instead keep the agency, allow for the opportunity for loving roleplay and so that AA in that moment, when Tav opened their soul to him, would share an innermost, painful thing, like Astarion before in the graveyard scene, would tell them that or something similar. But that would require rewriting the whole character. But that's how you can treat him in a “healthy” and “equal” relationship.

“I'm still nothing, aren't I? Just an expandable frail spawn who will burn to a crisp soon enough.”

Yes, that line refers to the moment, when Tav betrays him, betrays everything they promised before, Tav wants to use his body, forcing Astarion to take on an astral tadpole, to do what is against his will. But Astarion will never say or think that about himself, when he Ascended and stopped being a “frail spawn” forever. Astarion thinks of himself that way, feels that way, and it's not just in relation to the tadpole. And the “will burn to a crisp soon enough” part - that part has nothing to do with this particular moment, when Tav betrays him, it seems like something he's been thinking about, something that's been eating away at him, and just now, at this particular moment, it came out of his mouth, even if it came out because Tav betrayed him. And sure, Tav's betrayal hurts him, but he's clearly thought about it before this moment. If he hadn't thought about it before, his words would have sounded different, at least they wouldn't have hinted at the bitter ending that would await him.

Left as a frail spawn, Astarion is forever locked into his mask, adjusting and behaving as he is “supposed” to, he keeps on pretending, he doesn't try to show his real self, his insecurity is solidified and expressed by clinging to Tav, as the only person who has been kind to him, and showing himself as Tav wants him to be. “Astarion's spawn is theater (with all the masks, lies and deception still included)” Neil.

When I played with UA, I felt a deep love for him, but with a strong dash of pain. I can't call that kind of relationship “healthy”. “Patience”… It really takes patience to follow this story through to the end. If in reality my loved one suddenly changed behavior from Astarion's playful behavior in Act 2 to UA's behavior, where there is a distinct sense of depression, I would sound the alarm and clearly would not consider it “good” or “normal”. And the way Astarion himself defines this relationship, the only line is, “Nothing special, of course…” Yes, it's a joke, but in that joke you can sense some degree of passive aggression, maybe resentment and doom. And afterward, he only talks about “care,” not love. “Care” is certainly a part of love, but it is only one of the "bricks'" it is less than '“love”, especially eternal love. “How could I say no?” - Okay in Act 2, when Astarion is just starting to trust and open up, but when the relationship seems to be already serious? The hug in the epilogue looks like a friendly hug, not a romantic one, and nowhere near as deep and touching as the hug in the confession scene of Act 2. And overall, compared to Ascended Astarion, there is a certain sense of detachment. Not a fake “glass barrier”, as in the game with AA without mods, when you can see from one look at him how Astarion reaches out to you, but, alas, there are no appropriate lines or actions for Tav, and, unfortunately, there can be a certain annoyance, that you play a game, where there are 'threesomes', brothels, bestiality, different variants of cheating, but there is no opportunity to just hug or kiss normally, or at least say: “I love you” to the dearest person. It's a sense of distance of a different kind - coming from Astarion himself. He has closed himself off. And it's as if he's fading. His other lines and facial expressions are devoid of their former playfulness, and some have overly sweet, unnaturally sweet intonations.

And the kind of roleplay that is possible in this relationship, how do I even play that? Tav concretely doesn't care about Astarion's condition. Not a single attempt to find not that healing, not even some kind of artifact to protect him from the sun. Tav is calmly going about their other, “more important” business and “having fun”. The scene at the docks is the apotheosis and culmination of the epitome of the worst partner behavior example in a relationship. Tav doesn't give a damn about Astarion concretely. The truest neglect. Our character will act as if they're fine with everything. Of course this is not a rebuke to the players, the players have no choice outside of the scenario, I myself have a scene consisting of exclusively negative lines and I'm scripted to be a submissive, if played without mods, the problems with roleplay and violation of player agency are present to some degree in both routes. I just don't know how to play with the UA with roleplay, I can think of a “good ” Tav, who feels sorry for all the spawns and wants to talk him out of it, but I can't think of a character, who agrees to behave the way Tav behaves in the scenario, it's just beyond. Astarion expects Tav to abandon him, he doesn't believe them until the end, he says so in the epilogue. Tav shows complete indifference to Astarion (I don't mean the player, I mean the kind of roleplay the game allows). On Tav's part - neglect, manipulation, ignoring his needs and his pain. Going to “celebrate victory” while he, burned, sits curled up behind crates at the docks.

What happens to him at this point can be seen in more detail in the scene at the docks of Astarion Origins.

Hidden Astarion ending cutscene for origin

In the epilogue without a relationship or after a breakup, he says that he now owns his own destiny, and when he finds a way to walk in the sun, he will not miss it now, nothing and no one will stop him. And these are important words, the ritual was really important to him.

«That being said, I haven't completely given up on returning to the sun. If the opportunity presented itself - well, I wouldn't say no...»

«Every day I yearned for the sun and mourned my curse to live in the shadows”.

«I've been exploring the world, looking for anything that will let me walk in the sun again”.

Also in the non-romantic epilogue we can see how Astarion was truly robbed at the moment of this “collective triumph”: “I felt… ashamed. Like I'd lost everything, just as you claimed your victory. I didn't want you to see me like that.”

And here's the look on his face after Astarion says:

“I did at first, but then I realised - these shadows, this darkness - it's all part of me.”

And just after this line, Astarion continues, “I spent too long defined by what other people did to me. The choices other people made for me - but that's over now.” Choices have been made for him, but now that he is free, he will no longer miss any opportunity, should one present itself to him. I think UA is even better off alone than with Tav, judging by the un-ascended epilogue. Even though it's much more bitter than romantic, in it Astarion says he won't miss his chance again if he ever gets one, and he finds a use for his abilities. And he won't have to endeavor or please anyone else.

This is of course my point of view, based largely on empathy, but I think real acting is precisely about conveying through facial expressions, voice, movements the feelings of the character and letting the viewer/player feel it. Where the authors managed to realistically and genuinely make me feel bad is in the UA route. But I don't see that as a minus - I appreciated the plot, and I can see my own sense in it, though in the future I won't ever choose it and would rather have a happy playthrough with the Ascended Astarion. But it's realistic, the game makes me think about what I'm doing, like in a good DnD with a harsh DM, when you can't just run around, do all the quests, help everyone, be “good” and get bonuses for it. It's necessary to act as one would act as a character, who lives in this world. Ascension is Astarion's path, it's what he wants, it's his only chance. If I didn't let him do it, if I left him as a spawn, didn't help him, why should I feel good about it afterwards? I have nothing against “good” roleplay, when some of ones moral principles are more important, it's just not definitely not my thing. I won't sacrifice a loved one for someone else's principles, “messages”, “narratives” or whatever. I don't play games for the sake of suffering, helplessness and pain. After all, if Tav and Astarion died somewhere along the way, Cazador would ascend and kill all those spawns. Astarion owed nothing to this world. The world has given him nothing but pain, contempt and rejection, why should he owe them all?

Humility - yes, that's how the UA path feels, and I can't imagine my character would give a loved one that rather than love, the joys of life and accepting them for who they are.

[fear-is-truth]

Hi i dont know if requests are open or not feel free to ignore this if you are busy!

I was wondering if you could do Evans with an autistic reader? You have the best writing ever and am sure whatever you write will be amazing

I receptly got diagnosed with autism and am starting to get used to it but the hardest part of all haves been finding people who accepts me this way or finding representation and i thought it would be comforting to read your writing about something like this

Have a good days and take care!♡

⋆𐙚 ₊ the evans x autistic reader .ᐟ

ft. tate langdon ‧ kit walker ‧ frat!kyle spencer ‧ james patrick march ‧ cult leader!kai anderson ‧ peter maximoff ‧ colin zabel ‧ warren lipka

a/n: enjoy, pookie !!

⟢ 𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐃𝐎𝐍.

tate would rely on how you explain your experiences and base his reactions on that. If you mention sensory sensitivities, he’d attempt to avoid triggers—but sometimes he fucks up.

he would appreciate your bluntness or literal way of speaking. especially when you’re talking about morbid stuff.

if you have hyperfixations or special interests, tate would listen to you super intently, because he loves seeing you passionate about something.

if anyone belittled you or made ignorant comments, tate wouldn’t even hesitate to lash out (verbally or worse) in your defense.

⟢ 𝐊𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐄𝐑.

he would approach your autism with patience and a strong desire to learn how to support you better.

he would genuinely value the way you see the world, often marveling at your unique insights or the connections you make. “i never would’ve thought of it that way. that’s incredible.”

kit would happily adapt to your routines or help you stick to them. if you liked having breakfast at the exact same time every day, he’d join you.

if you ever feel self-conscious about your traits, kit would be the first to remind you that they make you who you are and that he adore every part of you.

he’d be great at recognizing when you’re overwhelmed or anxious.

would fully support your interests, even if they’re niche or kinda obscure.

⟢ pre death .ᐟ 𝐊𝐘𝐋𝐄 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑.

kyle would never see your autism as a challenge; instead, he’d see it as part of what made you special. he would be endlessly supportive and sweet.

when you had a meltdown, kyle would stay super calm and be there for you in any way you needed. he’d hold you if you wanted or just sit nearby.

if anyone judged you or made rude comments, he would be the first to defend you.

he’d think your stimming was adorable. he’d play with your fidget toys or pick up new ones when he saw them in stores.

if you struggled with social interactions, kyle would subtly guide you without making you feel embarrassed. later in private, he’d quietly explain someone’s tone if it confused you.

if you were overwhelmed by sensory input, he would guide you to a quiet place or shield you from crowds.

⟢ 𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐇.

james is a stickler for his own routines but would seamlessly incorporate yours. if you needed structure, he’d find ways to create schedules that align with both your needs.

he would literally, in his pretentious fake brahms accent, tell you that he finds your mind “simply fascinating.”

being detail-oriented, he would quickly notice if certain stimuli upset you. the perfect lighting, temperature, or ambiance tailored to your liking.

if you liked eating the same thing every day, he’d have mrs evers serve it on the finest china, him saying, “consistency, my dear, is the backbone of sophistication.”

⟢ cult leader .ᐟ 𝐊𝐀𝐈 𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍.

kai would scoff at the label, dismissing it as just another way society tries to put people in boxes. he’d say something condescending like, “you’re not autistic; you’re just you. stop letting woke leftists try to define you.”

but deep down, he’d be fascinated by the way your mind works. even though your honesty and blunt nature would annoy him, especially if it challenged his authority or poked holes in his ideas.

if you had a special interest or hyperfixation, kai would find a way to exploit it. he’d definitely rope you into doing something for him.

he would be visibly irritated with any stimming behaviours you had, like rocking or fidgeting. he’d snap at you, “can you stop that? it’s distracting.” over time, he might learn to tolerate it—or not.

during one of your sensory overloads or meltdowns, he’d get visibly frustrated, telling you that, “you need to get your shit together.” but eventually, kai would just leave you alone to work through it.

would intentionally push you into situations that he knows make you uncomfortable, framing it as a way to “toughen you up.”

⟢ 𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐗𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐅𝐅.

peter would absolutely adore every aspect of you, including your autism. he’d constantly remind you how fascinating your mind is.

if you had a hyperfixation, peter would dive right into it with you. whether it was a niche video game, a tv show fandom, or collecting random objects, he’d get so into it just to make you happy. he’d joke, “so, when do i get to be the world’s second-best expert on this? after you, of course.”

peter wouldn’t be fazed by your bluntness or honesty—in fact, he’d find it super relatable because he’s just as blunt as you. “finally, someone who just tells it like it is. you’re my kinda person.”

if anyone mocked or misunderstood you, peter would use his superspeed to tie their shoelaces together or give them a wedgie.

⟢ 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐍 𝐙𝐀𝐁𝐄𝐋.

whatever you were hyperfocused on, colin would be your biggest fan. whether it was a niche topic or a hobby, he’d ask questions and letting you infodump. if it was something like a favorite tv show fandom, he’d take the time to binge every season and try to impress you with his knowledge.

colin would pay attention to the little things that made you comfortable and surprise you with them. for instance if you liked soft fabrics or weighted blankets, he’d go the extra mile to find them for you.

⟢ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐊𝐀.

warren might occasionally fuck up and say the wrong thing, especially if he didn’t fully grasp your sensory needs. but he’d sincerely apologise and try to make it up to you.

he would get a kick out of your bluntness, especially since he’s not exactly a fan of sugarcoating himself.

disclaimer: i did a lil research on autism but i’m still not totally sure if i got it right >.<

 fear-is-truth 2024 — all rights reserved. do not modify, repost, translate, or plagiarise my content.

[cafeleningrad]

absolutely no offense to anyone because I discover many details, and re-evaluate aspects on rewatches of Ikuhara works every time, too. But my take why Shiori often receives such an uncritical "witch" treatment by the fandom by claiming she's the toxic element within the Shiojuri dynamic is because Juri hits maybe a bit too close to home for many viewers/is easy to to feel sympathy for, therefore hard to blame.

But Juri wouldn't be in a duelist position if she didn't harbor selfish interests from a privileged position. Granted, like Utena, she's easily at risk of loosing them simply because she's a woman. She dresses and behaves more masculine in public than in private. She's not safe from assault. But Juri is also at the top of the popularity food chain. One thing that marks the duelist is an extreme detachment from the world around them while mourning their own existential pain. Whereas many in the position as princess are more engaged with the world around them. Yes they've personal desires, and they seek to fix them by attaching themselves to their prince. But consider how all Black Rose duelist, previously in the princess position talk to side characters, have other friends, interact with classmates, whereas the duelists only talk to their duelist peers, Anthy (projection of their desire), and eventually authority figures which includes Akio.

Anyhow, back to Juri. Juri is understandably depressed about her future prospect. She's unable to imagine how her hope for love and happiness could ever be real at a homophobic place like Ohtori. However, she also closed herself off to the possibility that this could ever be real. Juri identifies herself so much with the certainty of pain, with herself as tortured existence, she detached herself form the world. Any belief, statement, or living example contradicting Juri's assumption of certain doom are met with her aggressive reaction.

Anthy got a rise out of Juri for imitating Shiori's gesture which was accompanied by Shiori's encouragement for Juri to open up. Utena being oblivious about her sexuality but also the hope that she might find something promising in her future angered Juri to the point of demanding a duel. Juri identifies herself so much with her pain, she ignores the real. Shiori in her locket is "innocently cruel", dating any boy, not Juri. However this is Juri's misconception often taken at face value. Utena appears oblivious about her intimate connection to Anthy, two girls who're basically married; a status Utena often has but also aims to defend (although Juri also overlooks how conflicted Utena feels about the matter). In the same vain, Juri ignores how Shiori isn't oblivious to Juri's pain, that she isn't dating around for fun but because Juri guarded herself so well, Shiori is desperate for attention.

Here comes the difficult part: Shiori, like all princesses, attached her identity to a prince for self-worth for her own identity (like what the entire BR arc is about: Keiko for being recognized/social power, Wakaba for feeling like her existence matters/doesn't drown in the crowd because a "special" person chose her, Tsuwabuki wants to be taken seriously/talked to like an actual person and not cosntantly belittled, Kozue projects everything she doesn't believe to be on her child prodigy twin brother etc.). Shiori is indeed deeply insecure, also feels worthless, and always had an inferiority complex towards her beautiful, dignified, talented friend. This is what she confesses in the elevator. This compensation by attachment is a problem for everyone in the role of "deemed not special". So Shiori will chase after Juri for compensating in mattering alone.

But on top she actually likes Juri, might likely even unconsciously love her too. Juri pushed Shiori away even when they were still friend due to Juri being afraid of her feelings. Shiori wants the proximity anyway. And one cannot blame Shiori for not understanding why Juri would not talk to her anymore. Even in Juri's flashback, Shiori encouraged Juri to talk about her feelings, in fact Juri could be surprised how other people might react. Yet Juri doesn't budge. So Shiori tries to be close to Juri by proxy through boys who're close to Juri (the unnamed male friend, Ruka). And she feels awful for that. The first time the guilt moved Shiori back to Ohtori, she tried to apologize but Juri rebuffed her by saying "it doesn't matter" for a matter that Shiori deeply regrets. Juri's coldness leads Shiori to be even more distraught, feeling worse about herself. Juri remains the source of her self worth. Here's the thing: The more Juri ignores how the real Shiori actually feels, the very human person who does not exist to personally torment her, the less Juri realizes how her detachment and false image cause deep hurt towards the real, breathing, moving Shiori. Juri's locket Shiori is an absent minded image singled out form a crowd. The real Shiori is in actual emotional pain, even asking Utena and Anthy to visit her because she feels so lonely (even says so explicitly) who cannot receive the attention or affection by someone she deeply admires, and feels like a meaningless person.

So yeah, Shiori gets pushed towards her worst impulses when she realizes actually she can keep the person close who compensates for her low self-worth. If Juri won't talk to her, she can still date by proxy since it will draw Juri's attention actually. Juri hurt her badly first, so Shiori continues the game of unspoken affection expressed by emotional scaring. We see time and time again how duelists can easily turn a girls'/people in socially inferior position to "enemy number 1" (witch) due to their influence. As audience we see it with Miki and Kozue. Kozue is almost deemed wholly innocent in the dynamic although she also attached her identity to Miki. She considers herself a contrast to him. Her being "dirtied" against his "brilliance", as well as artificially maintained blamelessness. Any mishap of Saionji's gets blamed on Anthy. Utena is depressed from her lost duel to Touga? Anthy gets blamed. Shiori gets dumped by Ruka? The entire school thinks it must have been Shiori's fault even though some commented that Ruka was being cruel to her first. So yeah, it always reads weird to me that Juri is the only duelist who barely receives as counter-evaluation on how her behavior influenced Shiori negatively.

But that took me also two rewatches to gain a clearer picture. On top, I think it's easy to identify with/feel sympathy with a woman afraid to be herself in a homophobic society. However I think there's a good point made with Juri's character how succumbing to despair, being incapable to imagine anything beyond our limited horizon blinds one to the feelings of others for oneself, even causes one to be the one spreading such bleak feelings, and cutting off emotional relationships. And how secretly additive, it can become to relish in identifying with existential pain.

[fancyfade]

Honestly I do think of Cass's reading, and her initial desire and later refusal to try*, has a lot to do with her perfectionism and well... like "sore-loser-ness" (not saying that you're a loser if you can't read, but like. she perceives not being good at something as "losing" and she hates it).

in one of the really early Batgirl issues (#3? I can't remember?) we see Cass tries to save a man who writes a letter to his wife, and she starts trying to read and write after seeing how the man's wife was affected by his letter. Then it's kind of ditched for a while. Later, Cass and Babs have friction because Cass doesn't try to learn how to read and it makes Babs mad, and she belittles Cass in a moment of stress.

And like. For Cass, we see that a lot of fighting stuff (which she perceives as very important) comes naturally to her. Barbara spars with her with escrimas and Cass picks up on it in 5 minutes, just from the body language reading. Cass learns Shadow Thief's techniques while fighting him. She also values being perfect, being great right away. When she temporarily has lost her body-language reading, she asks Bruce how long it takes until she's as good as he is, re-training herself, and he says probably 10 years. She thinks David (her bio father who raised her as an assassin with no language) made her perfect in just 8, and there's the whole repeated quote - Perfect for a year, or mediocre for a lifetime? She chooses perfect for a year - agrees that she will fight Shiva to the death in one year after Shiva restores her skills, and intends that she will die then because she won't kill anyone else (and should note - she never does really doubt that she can beat Shiva, even though other characters do).

Anyway where I'm going with this:

We have Cass, and she's got to be perfect. That's her thing. She's great at picking up new fighting skills, she tries to learn how to talk but because her brain is literally wired differently it doesn't happen until the meta messes with her brain, then it happens overnight. Her re-gaining her skill is not something that emphasized as "she trains a lot" (though we do see her training a lot - it's not what causes it to be re-gained so quickly), it's the deal she makes with Shiva. When it comes to reading, this is probably the only thing that's been that she genuinely struggles with, a lot (due to how her brain was wired), that doesn't have a quick-fix. And Cass is a perfectionist so she is going to feel embarrassed when other people find it easy and she doesn't. the way she protects her feelings is by, once she fails, not trying again. If you don't try, you can't fail and you can't feel bad about it.

*for a while

[vlrspace]

there was never a time where the atmosphere was this thick with tension, gojo thinks, never with you at least.

his slender fingers dug tightly into the leather covered wheel, white brows meeting in the middle of his forehead as his cerulean eyes focus on the road ahead. how comical, of course it’s raining outside, accompanied with purple and white strikes appearing across the sky.

gojo gazes at you from the corner of his eyes, he’s desperately trying to ignore the churn of his heart at the sight of you. soft arms wrapped around your frame, fully embracing yourself and seeking comfort in a pair of arms that aren’t his. streaks of maskara coating the red apples of your cheeks, as you lean your head against the window.

he can’t decide what’s worse; the fact that you haven’t even spoke, let alone look at him ever since you two left or that he can’t find anyone else to blame, but himself.

truly, he hadn’t known about the invitation of his ex girlfriend by his parents. a vicious move on their end, just to taunt you with the thought that gojo could always do better than you.

his ex, who is a true golden girl, the definition of a perfect woman every parent desire their children to be with. however, she was far from the ideal partner, with her cunning and self absorbed nature. sure, she’s beautiful and comes from a wealthy family, like gojo, but she only ever cared about putting up a good show for the world. everything with her were non existent, unlike with you.

gojo is aware of how, unfortunately, his parents aren’t particularly fond of you and frankly, he doesn’t care.

the familiar silhouette of your home is visible in the distance and the white haired male tries to calm down his thoughts, to centralise them about making you stay with him. gojo thinks that it’s ridiculous how tied to you he really feels, how dependent he is on you and in such short time as well. six months were enough to make him obsessed with you, it’s utterly pathetic.

the buzzing of the engine comes to a stop and you get yourself ready to exit the car, but gojo locks the car before you even could reach the handle. the action makes you turn towards him, confused and nervous as you wait for him to talk.

“i’m so sorry” his sentence comes out shaky and breathless, his body wholly facing you, blue gaze never wavering away from yours. “i’m so fucking sorry” his shoulders are shaking, pools of tears leaking from the corner of his eyes.

with quiet sobs, he reaches for you, his hands carefully placing themselves on your waist, softly cradling you closer to him. the action makes your eyes widen, you’ve never seen gojo so vulnerable before. he threw his tie on the backseat the second you two entered the vehicle, along with his suit and his button up is halfway undone.

“you deserve so much better” his words are barely audible between the hiccups, his forehead gently pressing against yours as a hand comes up to wipe your tears away. “so much better than me”

gojo blames himself for the way his parents treated you at the dinner party, you realise, belittling you and throwing snarky remarks in front of everyone when his ex arrived. even though gojo stood up for you and got into an argument with his family, those words still hurt you.

“but i don’t ever want to let you go, you’re my everything. i didn’t know what home felt like till i met you, what love really was. i don’t have to pretend to be someone else when i’m with you and you make me feel whole” the desperation of his voice makes your heart break, you can feel his hold on you a little unsteady. “it’s you that i want, you make feel a better man and i love you so much it makes my heart hurt” he stutters out, pressing a kiss to the corner of your lips, before pulling away from you.

“i don’t care what they think, i belong with you” your breath hitches in your throat as his words hit you with full force. not only that, but there is no hesitation in his voice and his face is full of seriousness.

“satoru..” you whisper out finally and reach for your seatbelt. swiftly unlocking it, you throw yourself at him, lips pressing against each other feverishly.

your hands curl around his neck, fingers disappearing in his white hair and you feel him wrap around your waist and move you into his lap. gojo’s tongue pushes into your mouth, salvaging every inch he touches. one of his hands cradles your cheek, thumb gently stroking your soft skin and you feel his other hand slowly moving you against him.

you’re the first one to pull away, just barely a few inches between you, gojo’s hips thrusting upwards to meet yours in the middle. both of your breaths are heavy and the atmosphere is now filled with a different type of tension. the sound of rain sounds distant, you can’t seem to care about the on going storm outside anymore. all you care about is gojo, the love of your life.

“i love you so much” your words are whispered against his lips as he leans up to capture yours in a kiss again.

if gojo wasn’t so occupied with you right now, he would laugh at his parents’ poor attempt to break you two apart. he knows his parent finally realised, how much you mean to him and the growing fear within them taken over.

satoru would do anything for you, even if it meant abandoning the great gojo empire just to be with you.

@/vrlspace, 2024

[punksocks]

Astrology observations No.16: Lilith Edition

*just based on my experiences please take them with a grain of salt

**the taming your Lilith femininity post can be found here fyi ;0

-The element of your Lilith could point to what people find so scandalous about you. Air: your otherworldly air and intelligence; Water: your sensuality and emotional expression; Earth: Your strength and grounded nature; Fire: Your fierce energy and how you’re too hot to handle

-if Lilith has aspects to your Venus (especially conjunct/opposition/square) you may have guys say they don’t usually date girls like you/of your cultural background (twice as likely if your Venus or Lilith is in Sagittarius) (also that gives me the ick instantly ngl)

-Lilith conjunct/opposition/square 1st/7th/8th/10th could point to being hit on in the weirdest ways ever. (Guys have yelled at me from car windows, or been in my dms for actual years, at a convention a guy was pushing a stroller and said there goes my wife so loudly and so close to my face I didn’t even catch it until a moment after. I mean the other day a dude called my hair pretty then asked if it was heavy- like huh?? Dudes are weird)

-Lilith aspects to mars (especially conjunct/opposition/square) could point to people shaming you for expressing frustration/anger, especially in your youth

-I’ve had soooo many dudes short circuit on me with our Lilith synastry omg. I have stories lol. A lot of guys being into me and running off then coming back (they don’t get to come back in tho! Gross) I’ve felt it the most with Lilith conjunct sun synastry, underdeveloped guys have been competitive and obsessive. Like belittling in an envious way but also trying to make me feel smaller to always keep me around because they were too into my energy (it didn’t work). It can work out with a partner that is self aware and respectful and turn into the sun person showing you a side of themselves that they don’t show anyone else. It just takes a minutes to weed it out lol.

-I would imagine that Lilith conjunct/opposition/square Moon and Venus would be even more of a whirlwind. Lilith would be bringing out the Moon native’s hidden emotions and taboo emotional motivations (it’s giving the guy in Hustlers that came in to guilt his girlfriend into coming home for the night from her job at the strip club, but like that manipulative and petty all the time). And Lilith would bring out hidden and taboo desires in the Venus native (secret girlfriend, can’t meet their friends or family just “because it’s not the right time”- but it’s never the right time, you thought you were dating but it turns out you were the other woman, etc)

-Also Lilith conjunct/opposition/square someone else’s ascendant is very likely to make the other person act jealous and petty towards you

-Lilith in 12th could point to being a lot of people’s secret fantasies, hidden people that deeply desire you or envy you

-A lot of prominent Lilith placements are prone to fertility issues but I’d assume this is even more likely for Lilith in 6th

-Lilith in 7th could date partners that try to change them as soon as they get into a relationship with them (censor how you dress, dictate your hair cut, just really get terribly controlling because they assume your “theirs”) (I’ve also experienced this with Lilith in 10th, and I would guess the same for Lilith in 1st/aspects to 1st or 10th or 7th)

-Lilith in 8th could point to s*xual trauma and at the very least going through many transformations before coming into your own sexuality

-Lilith in 9th could point to blossoming into yourself abroad or in a country outside of your origin. It can also point to receiving a lot of s*xual attention outside of your cultural group.

-Lilith in 1st/10th/11th could point to difficulty and backstabbing in female friendships. In 6th & 10th this could carry over to workplaces. In 7th this points to being the other woman in relationships or women coming onto your partner

-Lilith in 3rd could point to having trouble in school, not only socially but with authority figures believing your intelligence (and the believing your intelligence part definitely carries over into adulthood)

-Lilith in 4th often points to a terribly frustrating childhood where you were constantly critiqued by female members of your family, especially your mother. You could’ve felt like your mother/aunts/etc were always trying to compete with you for male attention as well (which is weird, weird grown folks). (it’s not great for Lilith in 1st/8th/10th either but this is on another level)

-Lilith in 10th (square/opposition to 10th as well) can point to being treated like a pariah for no reason at work. I’ve found that when I tried to be friendly I got a lot of kindness outside of my department …but still thrown under the bus with a smile in my department. Then I kept my distance at a later day job and was met with hostile or belittling energy. (This one guy would just constantly walk by and look at my laptop and ask what I was working on when he wasn’t my manager and my manager hadn’t assigned me anything, then he would just chat me up for no reason, always switching between hostile and like almost flirtatious energy. like dude worked on the other side of the office and kept doing this until he left ! Never working in an office again I swear…)

-Also Lilith in 1st/10th- often men in power/positions off authority often dote on you for some reason, especially if they’re older (I still can’t figure why this is though)

-Lilith negative (conjunct/square/opposition) aspects to 1st/10th In “normal” (suburban neighborhoods and pedestrian places like that) you may find that you get this weird thirsty look from guys, who are supposed to be minding their business with their families, like you’re walking around naked when you could be wearing the most lowkey outfit and it wouldn’t make a difference (it’s also why I prefer cities, but even then in some neighborhoods I stick out)

-Your Lilith sign itself always indicates the Lilith behavior you have to learn to “tame” (ex. leo in Lilith has to make sure they’re not too much of a diva), but I also believe it shows you how you need to fight for others (ex. leo in Lilith- use your radiant nature to speak out on the taboo and spotlight helping social causes)- I can do a post elaborating on this if you guys want ;0

-Self awareness is really important with strong Lilith energy. I’ve had overlays with other women/femmes with strong Lilith placements and so many times I’ve had them become mean girls and envious to me even though they’d constantly tell me about their Lilith-esque experiences with other femmes bullying them in similar ways.