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thepolymathexcuse · 22 days ago

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Weeklies: Further

Happy Monday to everyone!

Our productivity stepped down a notch this past week, but that might have stemmed from a few other things, such as lack of motivation over certain topics due to an inefficient weekly planning and the looming anxiety over the job applications I sent a week prior. My lack of control over social media and phone usage in some moments to cope up with this anxiety also might have been a big factor. However, since we consider everything (and I am not exaggerating when I say every single thing I do) an instrument for learning and growth, I guess our productivity doesn't really define the things we learned this week. So, without further ado, here's our summary of how this wonderful week went.

Last week's new learnings:

A. Online Courses

I finally finished the last training video of the Dr. Mendoza series with the title "Basic Concepts and Impacts of Climate Change in Agriculture, Forestry, and Natural Resources." [1] That means we can move forward to the next phase of this project: distilling the knowledge we learned from the four videos and connecting them in different activities you will be reading soon in this blog. The training title already defines the knowledge contained in this training. It provided definitions and connections between climate change and all related terms like greenhouse gases (GHGs) and global warming, as well as delved into the factors that affect climate change, and how climate change impacts several important aspects of our modern lives such as agriculture, health, natural resources, weather patterns, and biodiversity. Furthermore, what really brought me the most attention was the part that presented the international and national (Philippines) approaches on addressing climate change. Besides having a recalling of the Paris Agreement and the Kyoto Protocol, I was also introduced to other initiatives such as:

the REDD [Reducing Emissions from Deforestation and (forest) Degradation], which is an initiative developed by the UNFCC that works by providing incentives to developing countries to slow down rates of deforestation, which the organization inferred to be the main cause of around 17-20% of the increase in total carbon emissions within 5 years;

NDCs (Nationally Determined Contributions) which allows individual nation-states to provide their conditional and non-conditional commitments in developing their own ambitious plan to reduce their carbon emissions; and

the "cap-and-trade" market based mechanism under the Kyoto Protocol that manages GHGs emissions of participating countries.

Moreover, I learned that the Philippines had its own activities in contributing to combating the effects of climate change. This includes their NDC plan of cutting our GHG emissions by up to a whopping 75%! You read that right. The Philippines really took it to heart when the parties under the Paris Agreement said "ambitious." How are we doing this, so far? The Climate Change Act of 2009 led to the creation of the Climate Change Commission, which is the primary agency of our government reporting under the Office of the President tasked to coordinate efforts relating to climate change mitigation as stated by the law. This then led to the formation of a strategic plan that is contained within the National Climate Change Action Plan from 2011 to 2028. [2, 3, 4, 5]

Another key takeaway for me is this: although developed countries contribute significantly higher percentages to the total carbon emissions worldwide, it is more practical and less expensive to limit the GHG emissions of developing countries instead rather than to completely change the already-established system of the developed nations. The first thought that came to my mind was this: developing countries are already suffering more from the worsening effects of climate change and yet we are still asked to adjust for the sake of these wealthy nations. However, the international initiatives such as the Paris Agreement and the Kyoto Protocol, allows the wealthy countries to provide financial support to the developing nations to compensate for the reduced GHG emissions, which to me, seems like a win-win situation for both parties. But the most surprising thing about these initiatives is that they're completely voluntary, and although as unfortunate as it sounds, it became even clearer to me that the key to actually combating climate change to save our species from eventual extinction really lies in the hands of those currently in power.

B. Scientific Articles

I'm still working my way towards this article on the "Tipping elements of the Earth's climate system" but I'm slowly coming to terms with the concepts contained in the article. It's a slow process but this leads me to realize that I actually do not have the necessary foundation in order to easily understand this topic in greater detail and in a faster rate, because the mathematical derivation of how a tipping element is defined had connections with topics such as bifurcation theory or maybe even nonlinear system dynamics (which is offered in MIT Open Course Ware for free!). [6] Additionally, I had to tweak my learning strategy especially on hard topics like this, and I learned that digital notes is not the way to go. Instead I wrote down in a notebook in order for me to digest the information more carefully and connect the ideas better. Plus, you can never really go wrong with the aesthetics of a pretty handwriting! It also made me realize that I have to revisit my foundational knowledge on chemistry, biology, mathematics, and physics in order for me to fully advance with my areas of interest. It makes me wonder how ineffective of a student I must have been during my years of schooling to actually not have these basic knowledge drilled into me. I don't fully blame myself though because when I told this story to my friend (hi Ana!), it also revealed the areas for improvement on our education system solely focused on the students getting good grades. But I'm already here, so I'm trying to make sense of this article one way or another with whatever I already have. Who knows, maybe in the near future, I'll find time to solidify this foundational knowledge that would greatly benefit me if I ever pursue graduate studies.

C. Other areas of learning Note: Since I consider my thinking as an avenue for learning, I am abandoning the last section on my 'realizations' and instead write about them under this particular section.

I am having a hard time reading through a 567-page thriller novel called Ghost Story by Peter Straub. Reading a hundred pages in a span of a week is too slow for my usual reading. One of the intriguing reasons I could think of as to why this is happening is that I am taking too much time analyzing the book. It was supposedly just a leisurely activity, but here I am trying to analyze the characters' development and connections, how the setting affects the overall plot, the language being used, and the patterns that continually present themselves as I go deeper into the novel. I made it an intellectual activity, and although it might seem weird to others (and completely over-the-top or OA as the current trend refers to it), I actually find this fascinating and I might create an informal analysis about the novel in the future. It got crazy to the point that I even had a nightmarish dream of this Annabelle doll attacking me during the wee hours (at 3:00-3:30, I know, what a coincidence) of Saturday morning, which led me to eventually jump out of bed, and forgo sleep during that morning. That's how terrified I was! It might be because I used the Hemingway bridge technique in order for me to look forward to the next few pages, kind of like how telenovelas or TV series use cliffhangers to hook their audience for the next episodes. I stopped reading the book Friday afternoon at a particularly terrifying page with no actual conclusion as to what happens next. My mind must've been too eager to find out what's next; hence, it stayed within my subconscious and decided to attack me in the form of a nightmare. Well, guess what? Getting up that early on a Saturday morning means I got nothing to do but continue the next few pages, leading to me eventually finishing the novel's second part, which leaves us the last chapter to finish (equivalent to more or less 200 pages). [7]

Doing some of the learning activities within the Dr. Mendoza series led me to realize that the Geographic Information System (GIS) might be analogous with a Second Brain. The GIS software does exactly what a Second Brain does: (1) it captures data and stores it within the software's database; (2) it organizes data in a way that is readable for the system and accessible for the users of the software; (3) it distills data by manipulating it for spatial analysis; and (4) it expresses data through creating aesthetically pleasing maps based on the user's interpretation of the data. This leads us to believe that information or knowledge is just data that is captured, stored, organized, sometimes updated, and used in whatever purpose you desire. This is not a novel thought, but finding some analogy across two separate areas of my learning journey is a fun way to integrate the knowledge I'm learning. It kind of serves as a proof that what I'm trying to do (learning several areas at once) is not in vain.

This came from an Instagram comment I saw yesterday (Sunday, Oct. 20) and it read: "self-growth never ends, we should always be trying to become better people." It reminded me that there really is no end goal in the learning process. Sure, maybe some day, there might actually be an audience for this blog and the success of this blog might be defined by the metrics of how many people visit and read what I write about, but the process of learning itself technically doesn't have an end. Yes, some courses might have learning outcomes and checking off those course goals could lead to a finished course but learning doesn't stop there. In fact, gathering new knowledge only leads you to ask more questions, and therefore, creates even more avenues for learning. In my opinion, if you start to view learning and self-growth as another ambitious goal, you will never get the sense of achievement or satisfaction commonly associated with goals. This might sound depressing, but this doesn't mean you cannot celebrate your own milestones, such as finishing a course or just getting your way through a tough lesson you spent so much time on. No, you can celebrate all these because they are still considered victories, but they don't necessarily correspond to a finish line, because learning has no finish line of its own. Additionally, as we progress towards the future, research and innovation will continue to bring new knowledge that we soon need to learn. Again, this seems like a depressing thought: what's the point of learning anything if I'm not achieving any goal in particular? Well, to me, here's where the journey matters more than the destination. Isn't it fun that we live more every day knowing we tried to step a little bit further into the top? Isn't it comforting that as we gain more knowledge, we eventually become better versions of ourselves? Isn't it exciting that we're learning because we're making ourselves more competent and equipped to face the increasing difficulties of our daily lives? In moments of rest and stillness, you can further comfort yourself by zooming out and appreciating the many steps you've taken, the amount of knowledge you've gained along the years, and just think to yourself: look how far you've come.

This is another random thought while I was scrolling through social media and watching this video on why more people are in the phase of burning out: we really are a broken generation. It sounds awful, but social media, overconsumption of information, and overall the capitalist world we live in brings in many of the stressors we as a species experience almost surprisingly in a collective manner. The theory of evolution encompasses the notion that the more successful species eventually adapt to their surroundings in order to survive. I'm nowhere near being an expert in genetics, but maybe our bodies will eventually form new genes essential for coping with the current stressors of our modern society. That's how previous species overcame extinction and survived through the years: through genetic mutations that allowed them to build a better version of their species. It's a scary thought, but it could also be comforting for the ordinary person: eventually, we as a species will find ways to adapt and survive in our constantly changing world. [8, 9]

I'm also currently reading two books on meteorology, which is another introductory activity for a more detailed course in the future. We had a subject on hydrometeorology when I was in college, and reading through these allows me to recall the knowledge I learned during that time. I learned about the following: the theories on the origins of our planet's atmosphere; how climate affected several extinction events in the past; how geological and biological activity impacts the climate of a specific time period which also by the way, involves a lot of chemistry; early weather forecasting methods and the development of modern ways to tell the weather (I have my eyes on you, Robert Hooke!); and the different ways to classify climate. It also allowed me to recall the primary difference between climate and weather. Climate is highly based on patterns and can be predicted given the right data, but weather is highly variable and random and your prediction for the next three hours may actually change because of a single perturbation. I couldn't think of a better analogy so I'd like to borrow the words of J. Marshall Shepherd quoted from one of the books: "Climate is your personality; weather is your mood." [10, 11]

Finally, it's always fun to chat with some of my friends and the people around me, because they, too, are valuable in my journey of personal growth and polymathy.

Here are some of this week's bops and constant listens:

Southern by Sleeping at Last: I used this as my focus music during my read through of the tipping elements!

New Orleans by Parachute: romantic, because of certain events happening in my life

Important by Ian McConnell: A really creative take on optimistic nihilism, a philosophy I would not be able to embody but still can be a great source of ideals and values for living;

Euphoria by The Ridleys: I danced to this music one night, and I just felt the love overflowing from within me. Ah, what a beautiful memory.

These two odd collaborations by Charli XCX which gave me profound realizations: i think about it all the time (feat. bon iver) and i might say something stupid (feat. the 1975 and john hopkins).

A recently released jazzy instrumental version of one of my favorite Coldplay songs, that gave me all the feels there is to be felt: Sparks (Instrumental) by Evan Jacobson.

May Singil Ang Pangarap by Barefoot Theater and the cast of the Bar Boys musical: Instant regret because this led to a queue of songs from various musicals that I sang so loud one early evening, which eventually led to a sore throat the following days. Hah!

Horizon by yuragi: A shoegaze track from a Japanese band I found from one of my old playlists, which gave me feelings of transition, of becoming, of change, a topic I've recently been spiritually connected to during this current journey of healing.

Gale Song by The Lumineers feat. James Bay (Live from Wrigley Field): A live version of a track from the film score of the Catching Fire adaptation, sang by two wonderful folk artists, was an unexpected surprise to me. I didn't even know this version existed until Wednesday afternoon!

A Model of the Universe by Johann Johannson (from the film score of The Theory of Everything) and Chopin: Nocturne No. 20 in C-Sharp Minor, Op. Posth. (sorry for the long title, I am not well versed in classical music notation!): these 2 tracks are the main reason why I got through pages of the Ghost Story novel! Fantastic background music.

Introduction to the Snow by Miracle Musical and Tally Hall: I found this I think last year from an Instagram reel about self harm, and it absolutely introduced me to a genre of music I didn't know I would appreciate. For me, it reminded me of the seasons of my life: how my journey can sometimes lead to challenging and enduring winters. I don't necessarily know if that was the artist's meaning of the song, but that's how it appeared to me. I searched for the song, and it was a track from a musical! What are the odds!

There's another long read, but I do hope you enjoyed the bits of here and there in my journey of learning and self growth. I'll see you next week!

Once again, I leave you this: keep wandering and chase what excites you!

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Footnotes:

[1] Basic Concepts and Impacts of Climate Change in Agriculture, Forestry, and Natural Resources; Link

[2] Public Registry for the Nationally Determined Contributions of different countries; Link

[3] Philippines' First NDC; Link

[4] Climate Change Act of 2009 (RA 9729); Link

[5] Official website of the Climate Change Commission; Link

[6] For MIT OCW courses related to nonlinear dynamics of systems; Link

[7] Ghost Story (novel) by Peter Straub. I got the Pocket Books first print edition (1980). Oddly, enough, I salvaged this book for free from one of our cleaning sessions from an agency I used to work in!

[8] Why We're All Burning Out | Byung-Chul Han's Warning to the World, by Einzelgänger; Link

[9] The Price We Pay For Being Productive - A Philosophical Critique of Hustle Culture, by Robin Waldun; Link

[10] Weather: An Illustrated History edited by Andrew Revkin with Lisa Mechaley (2018)

[11] Weather Watching (Patrick Hook, 2006)

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aroace-musings · 1 month ago

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You stand on the blacktop of an abandoned road and watch the corn sway against a whitewashed sky. The sound of a clown’s horn snakes through the corn and pierces through your ears. In vain, you attempt to block out the noise with your hands but to no avail. The sky brightens like an old timey TV just turned off, and the sun blazes like a newly smelted sword being banged against a blacksmith’s anvil. A inhuman groan and a piercing cry intermingle with the horn. This grating din sends a tsunami wave of ice water cascading down the nape of your neck and the small of your back. You shiver from the onslaught of icy wetness and try to force your eyes open. But open them you can’t, for the disturbing dream clings on to you like a sweat soaked tee to your chest.

“Help, the monster of light wants to eat me.” The sound of your sister’s voice shakes the ground that you stand upon as a million cheese balls rain down from the sky.

“Kay?” You turn three sixty, but your sister you do not see. Just rows of corn in all directions.

“Wake up now!” This you command to your sleeping brain as you try to pry your eyes open with your fingers. With another blast of the high pitched horn, the dream dissipates into a helix of sand, and you finally manage to open your leaden eyes. At first, you see your Goosebumps comforter and hear the Care Bears alarm clock tick tock tick before realizing that you’re not at home, not in the safety and comfort of your warm bed, but in the same taxi that you’ve ridden in for hours (almost since time began). Sitting up, you notice that the interior is no longer shrouded in shadows but bathed in bright sunlight.

“No, not sunlight,” your brain muses. “The light looks brighter and more blinding than sunlight.” Looking out of the back window, you see the pitch black sky and a few stars struggling to outshine the halogen street lamps.

“What?” The word scrapes against your parched throat as you look back through the front window at a light brighter than any light you have ever seen.

“Holly fucking shit!” The driver grips onto the steering wheel. His face looks whiter than flour and his hands redder than cherry Jell-O.

“Oh, shit!” Dad pushes against the beige dashboard as if that would extend the distance between him and the blinding light. The cords in his neck pop out like mountains, and his eyes shine like glass. Never have you seen Dad look so frightened.

A knot forms in the pit of your stomach as the sweat streams down your face. At first, you can’t process the scene before you because Dreamland still clings fast to your addled brain. You sit up as the light increases in intensity. “What’s going on?” Your hands become numb, and your heart constricts within your chest.

“Save me from the light monster.” Kay grips your arm with a hand slicked in sweat. Her voice sounds distant and distorted.

“What did you say?” It takes a second to remember that you still wear the ear defenders that the driver had given you hours earlier. Upon taking them off, sounds from all directions explode into your ears. “Ugh!”

“Turn the wheel, you fucking imbecile!” Mom grips the back of the passenger seat. In this chaotic moment, her face resembles that of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. “Turn the wheel, right fucking now!”

“I can’t.” The panicked voice of the driver quickens your heartbeat as the light increases in intensity and volume. “It won’t turn; it‘s jammed.”

“Jump out of the...“ You want to say car, but the word escapes you. “Jump off the bridge,” comes out instead. And with these words, the robin blue bridge that Dad had driven over hours earlier comes into view.

“Yes,” a voice in your brain asserts. “It all started with the bridge.”

Just then, the light collides with the taxi. And with this collision, you feel something hard and metallic smack you across the forehead. For a brief moment, pain radiates from the wound before it’s replaced by numbness. A numbness that is quickly followed by a black shroud over your eyes. A shroud that cloaks the world in an inky veil of absolute darkness.

And for what feels like a second stretched into an hour, you drown in that impenetrable darkness. You fear that darkness will remain your constant companion until time immemorial, but slowly the dark lessens and daylight emerges. And with the emergence of daylight, you find yourself sitting on a hot leather seat in your Dad’s van.

In the distance, a robin blue bridge looms large against a cloudless sky. The bridge that will forever mark the beginning of when your life irrevocably changed. But in that moment, you don’t know this. You only know that you are returning home after spending a week with a grandma who seemed foreign and strange to you. An alien disguised in an old woman’s body, most definitely.

You glance over at your sister Kay. Drool oozes out of the corners of her mouth, and strands of her butter cream hair stick to her flushed face. She puts her pointer finger in her mouth and begins gnawing on it.

The words, “First graders don’t suck their fingers, only babies,” claw at the sides of your throat. Even though it’s an older sister’s duty to tell her such things, you decide to remain silent, for you know that she would just roll her eyes at you and make them look whiter than a ping-pong ball. A sight that always sent the herby jeebies crawling down your spine.

When the van reaches the bridge, you notice a sign on the beam of it: Welcome to Arkansas—the Home of Bill Clinton. At first, you don’t connect the name with anyone important. You only know that you’ve heard that name before. And as the van passes over the bridge and reaches the other side, it suddenly comes to you. Ah, that’s the name of the president.

“Dad, did any presidents come from Michigan?” The black leather seat sticks to your legs and so begins the attempt to free them without upsetting the mauve tray with side pockets that sits over your lap. You look over to your sister who draws two lopsided circles with her free hand. She smiles and shows it to you.

“How the fuck should I... Hey, you can’t pass me.” You feel the engine rev and cough.

Mom looks up from the map and screeches. “Dear, slow down. I don’t know where we are. We must still be in Tennessee or Mississippi. Wait, we didn’t have to go through Mississippi.”

“We’re in Arkansas,” you inform her. “And you have the map upside down. You only read the map upside down when you’re heading south.”

“Bella.” She flips her coconut crème hair back. “I don’t need advice from a twelve-year-old.”

“Fine.”

Rummaging through the right side pocket of your tray, you take out cassettes by Green Day, Nirvana, and Bob Dylan. Only after fumbling with the tray to look under your seat for the portable tape player do you remember that you borrowed it to Mom at the start of the trip so she could listen to Metallica.

“Mom, can I have...”

“Bella.” Mom faces you and squints her eyes. “I can’t figure out where we are if you keep talking.”

“Sorry.” You go back to the Trolls coloring book that you’d been working on an hour ago and give one of the baby trolls a punk hairstyle.

“Got you.” Dad shakes his head and passes the orange BMW that had passed us a quarter of a mile back. “Who’s the man now, huh?”

Letting out a donkey bray, he pounds a fist on the horn. “Beep-zip.”

After five minutes of coloring in the hair using various colors of the rainbow, you decide that you’ve done enough coloring for the day, for the crayon smell has started giving you a headache. What to do now?

After looking out the window at the passing fields for the next ten minutes, you finally decide on your next activity: reading. Digging in the left side pocket of your tray, you push aside a battered copy of The Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks and take out Christine by Stephen King.

Mom looks over the seat and gasps. “Bella, what did I say about reading that strange man’s books? He’ll rot your brain.”

“Nora, just let her read it.”

“What should I do Carlos? Should I just let our kids walk all over me?” She narrows her eyes. “They should respect the rules that I set for them.”

“Well, at least she reads.”

“But I don’t like that man. He rots...”

You try to tune them out while you journey through the world of Stephen King. For the rest of Arkansas, Mom and Dad exchange heated arguments back and forth. By the time the Welcome to Missouri sign appears, they progress into the “I’m not talking to you” mode.

Just as you get to the part where Christine flattens Moochie Welch, a loud pop rents the air. To you, it sounds like the shotgun blast in the song “Western Movie” by the Olympics. The frame of the van rattles and begins to dance the Shimmy. “Ugh.” Your heart gallops in your chest, and your arms shake. The book tumbles from your hands and thuds onto the greasy floorboard.

“Ha ha ha.” Kay points at you, her mouth gaping open, three teeth shy from a whole set.

“If only I had some cement,” you think facing your sister. Gritting your teeth and squinting your eyes, you try to look like the clown from It.

“Um.” Kay looks back at her activity book.

“Shit.” Dad smacks the wheel and stomps his feet. For the first time, you notice a billow of smoke coming up from the hood.

“Daddy, the car has turned into a dragon.” As Kay bounces up and down, she knocks over her burgundy tray. An activity book and crayons decorate the backseat for a few seconds. To you, this array of colors looks like the confetti that people throw from their balcony as a parade passes by on the street below. “Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea.” She sings this in an off key tempo.

For some reason, this song causes your ears physical pain. “Kay, not so loud!”

She ignores you and continues singing the next line. “And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.”

With this second line, all the muscles in your body tense as the discordant song sears through your body like a laser beam through metal. “Kay!” You close your eyes and will the pain away.

“Kay, hush now.” Mom comes to your rescue.

And fortunately for you, she ceases the torturous song on the word strings. She goes back to sucking on her finger.

“What to do?” Dad scratches his head. “Okay, everybody out of the car.” As he opens the door, it squeals on its rusty hinges.

Kay bolts from the seat and stumbles over your legs. “Bella, move.” She reaches the sliding door and grips onto the handle. “I want to see Frank Wallow Bee.”

“Who?” Placing your tray aside, you help her open the door that whooshes on its track.

“Frank Wallow Bee. My dragon.” Kay stumbles out and runs over to the hood of the van.

“Kay.” Mom pushes on her door that pops open. “Don’t touch the dragon, it’ll bite your hand.”

“No, he can’t do that. It’s my hand. See?” Kay shows it to Mom as you step out of the van and slam the door shut.

“Holy cow.” Dad runs his hand through his chocolate curls and stares at the smoke, his almond shaped eyes blazing.

“If only I knew where we were.” Mom clutches onto her teal purse, and her eyes take up the whole of her weathered face.

You want to tell her Missouri, but then recall her reaction earlier. Instead, you stand there longing for cool air and a glass of raspberry iced tea while the sweat runs down your face. You’d bet your entire Transformer collection that the heat could break a mercury thermometer. The hair feels heavy on the nape of your neck, so you put it up into a bun.

“Bella, you have such nice hair. Why do you always want to hide it?” Mom makes her way towards you. Ducking behind Dad, you barely escape her claws.

“Nora, quit worrying about her hair for God’s sake. Can you just focus on the situation at hand?” Dad scratches his chin. “I know what to do!” He snaps his fingers. “We’ll hitchhike. Honey, do you remember that time we hitchhiked to Reno for our honeymoon?”

“No.” Mom stomps her heels on the gravel and mutters under her breath. “I don’t remember doing anything of the sort.” She then glares at Kay. “Stop jumping around like a bullfrog, or an asp named Bo Job will spring out of the grass and eat you for supper.”

Kay grabs onto the hem of her pink and white plaid shorts. “No, don’t let it eat me. I’ll be good.”

Dad goes to the shoulder of the road and sticks out his thumb. “Bella, come over here and help me.” The BMW passed in Arkansas whizzes past. “Bella, don’t just stand there like a dim-bat.”

“No.” You stare at the string hanging from the hem of your navy blue and cream striped blouse. It takes the shape of ice cream squeezed from a machine. A perfect, symmetrical swirl. Oh, what you wouldn’t give for an ice cream cone at that moment. Just thinking about the taste of mint ice cream causes your mouth to water.

A rusty lime Ford comes down the road. Dad puts on an Academy Award winning smile and flips out his thumb. For the first time in your life, you see Dad as an individual, a person with hitchhiking experience and maybe even a fascinating story to tell.

“Did you hitchhike a lot when you were younger?“ You tug on the sleeve of your dad’s Led Zeppelin tee.

Without looking at you or altering the smile on his face, he whispers, “Not now, Bella. I need to focus.”

The truck stops suddenly, kicking up a cloud of gravel. When it comes to a complete halt, you notice that the bed is filled with chickens in wire cages. Kay forgets about Bo Job and starts clucking at the hens.

Dad talks to a man with a shriveled face whose head sticks out of a dirt encrusted window. A network of lines snake across the peak of his nose, surround each pond of blue, and traverse the plain of each cheek.

While Dad explains the predicament in great detail, he periodically points to the van still emitting a licorice fog. You can’t hear his words, but you can tell by his varied facial expressions that he has migrated unto topics far removed from the broken down van. If only he could manage to say on topic, then this interaction wouldn’t take twice as long.

Dad comes back with a Bozo the Clown grin plastered on his face. “Come on, girls, get in the back. See that nice gentleman; he’s going to give us a ride into town. Saxon, Missouri.” He grabs mom’s arm and helps her into the cab of the truck. “Ain’t that a nice name for a town?”

Helping Kay onto the bed of the truck, you hold your nose. The chickens smell like rotten eggs and Freon. Kay just claps her hands and exclaims, “Look, Bella. Look at all the pretty birdies.”

As the Ford picks up speed, a horde of feathers attack you. You have them in your hair, down your shirt, and even up your nose. You cling onto the side of the truck bed and pray to every idol you know: Billie Joe Armstrong, Kurt Cobain, Alanis Morissette, Peter Tork, and Elvis Presley. Never have you experienced such raw, object terror. Not even when you braved your fears and went on the wooden rollercoaster at Santa’s Village.

As your heart clammers up into your throat, and the thoughts swirl like a cyclone in your brain, you continue to pray. You only cease this litany of prayer when the vehicle stops in front of a dilapidated shack. As quickly as Superman with his cape on fire, you leap onto the hard packed dirt and resist the urge to kiss it. You’re just grateful to have survived this harrowing ordeal without any broken bones or severed limbs.

A man in brown faded overalls comes out of the shack wiping his black hands on a thin white towel. “What can I do for you folks?”

Dad looks across the dirt road at the field of barley and corn. Mom grabs Kay’s hand and pokes Dad in the ribs. He turns around and hollers, “I demand to know where I can find a bigger gas station.”

The stranger steps back and scratches his bald head. Red welts and scratches cover the surface, and you wonder if a horde of wasps had stung it. “Sorry folks, but there ain’t nothing ’round here for miles.”

“Just figures.” Dad puffs out his chest. “Now, look here. I only need two things: a tow truck and a mechanic to take a quick peek under the hood. Nothing more and nothing less.”

“Yup.” The man stuffs the rag into a back pocket. “What happened?”

“The van just blew to high heaven.” Dad raises both hands in the air as if to praise the sky. “And it had to happen just when I was about to pass that cocky Fritos semi.”

“Got a tow truck out back.” He points a crooked thumb behind him. “Let’s go get her.”

“Sounds good.” Dad pounds a fist into his hand. “But know ahead of time, you can’t con me.”

Before the old man leaves with Dad, he says to Mom, “Got me a real nice boxcar collection. Each car is worth a hundred greenbacks. I don’t want no kids breaking nothing. Go in there if you want, but the missus will be watchin’. You break, you pay.”

Dad and the gentleman disappear down the road in a tow truck that looks more like a rig. Fanning your face with your hands, you wonder if the house has air conditioning. You head in that direction, but a voice stops you. “Bella, get back here. You’re not allowed to go inside.”

Pouting, you sulk over to Mom. As you approach her, you kick up as much dirt as you can. “Why not?” In the corner of your eye, you see Kay rolling around in the dirt and howling at the sun.

“Because I said so.” She crosses her arms and glances over her shoulder. “Kay, what are you doing?” Her frown deepens. “Stop rooting around in the dirt this instant! Only filthy pigs do that.”

Off to the right, you spy an olive gas pump under a plum awning. “Mom, does that pump work?” You point at the object in question.

Her eyes follow your finger. “I suppose so. Why?”

“We should check it out and make sure that the vandals haven’t taken the handle.” You wait to see if she gets the Bob Dylan reference.

“Vandal?” She scrunches one eyebrow and raises the other. “Look at the fields. A place like this doesn’t have vandals.”

You spend the next twenty minutes engaged in the task of poking the ground with a stick. Under your breath, you recite the conversations you’ve heard throughout the day.

Soon, the rig returns with the van attached. Smoke no longer billows from the hood, and Kay runs to it with tears streaming down her face. “Frank Wallow Bee. Where did you go?”

“He’s taking a nap,” you tell her.

“Really?” She wipes the tears away with her shirt.

“Yes.” Pressing both hands together, you place your cheek upon them. For added emphasis, you close your eyes. “He’s just taking a long nap.” You open your eyes and wink. “But he can’t sleep when you’re making so much noise.”

“You’re right.” She puts a muddy finger to her lips. “Shh...”

You nod your head and off she skips towards the pump.

Dad and the man talk in low voices. After ten minutes, Dad comes over to Mom and explains the situation to her. “Mr. Cart-somebody can’t get an engine until next week, so he has kindly offered to drive us to the bus station.”

You fear that the man also drives a pickup complete with chickens, but to your relief, he owns a car. A tan 1967 Buick Electra to be exact. You pile into the back seat along with your family. When you sit on the cream leather seat, it feels heavenly. It’s like sinking into a mattress topped with goose down.

After a leisurely drive past fields filled with corn and pastures filled with cows, a McDonald’s appears like an oasis in a desert. To your confusion, the truck pulls into the parking lot.

“Here we are folks.” The man takes out his hanky and wipes his forehead.

“You said a bus station.” Dad’s face contorts into a grimace. “This isn’t a bus station.”

“Sure is.” The man nods. “And the best part? You can get a bite to eat while you’re at it.”

From where you sit, you can smell burgers and fries. And with the smell of food, your stomach growls. Looking down at your Batman wristwatch, you see that it’s seventeen past one. No wonder your stomach had growled like Cujo, for lunch had come and gone over an hour ago.

“Thanks ever so much for the ride.” Mom beams a smile at the man and follows this with a glare at Dad. She mouths, “Thank the man, dear.”

“Thanks.” Dad mumbles as he opens the passenger door that groans on its heavy hinges.

You follow your family into the restaurant. Upon entering the establishment, Kay claps her hands and squeals. “Happy Meal. Bella, we’re getting a Happy Meal!” She runs over to the display case. “Look, they have toys from the movie Babe!” She bounces up and down on the balls of her feet. “Oh, I want a piggy! Look, he’s so cute!”

You want to tell her that twelve year olds don’t get excited over Happy Meal toys, but you feel sticky and hot. Every surface of your skin feels prickly and in need of a wash. You fan your face with your hands. What you wouldn’t give for a nice bubble bath.

Mom orders food while Dad asks about bus tickets. The pimply kid, with almost white hair and slimy green eyes, fumbles with the cash resister while thumbing through a battered binder. “Nothing ’til tomorrow night.” He mutters this more to the cash register than Dad.

“But I have to work tomorrow night.“ Dad balls up his fists. “I demand to know where you hid the pay phone.”

The boy takes a step back towards the orange juice dispenser. “In the...” He points a finger behind him. “In the manager’s office. Umm…” He gives a hesitant smile. “You just need to go past the fryers.”

“Thanks.“ Dad stomps past the fryers. “¡Que día!” He mutters this under his breath as his bulk disappears behind the sandwich warmer.

“Umm…” The boy steps back to the cash register. “That’ll be six fifty.” The teen’s voice breaks on every other word.

Mom pays, takes the food, and leads you to a raised table surrounded by six swivel chairs. After sitting down at a swivel chair that wobbles each time you shift your weight, Mom hands you a box of chicken nuggets and a small fry.

“But I wanted...”

“Bella, don’t start with me.” She flashes her “I’m not in a good mood” look. “If you don’t want to eat it, then you can just go hungry.”

You look down at the rubbery chicken nuggets. Immediately, your brain conjures up the feel of slimy chicken meat gliding over the surface of your tongue. “Ugh.” You gag as if you’d just stuck a finger down your throat. You push aside the nuggets and inspect the fries. Oh, good! They’re not soggy.

Kay clammers up onto the stool. “Happy meal!” When Mom places the box with the golden arches in front of her, she squeals with delight. “Yeah!” Ripping open the box, she extracts the treasure first. “A piggy!” She bounces up and down on her stool. “Look, Bella! I got Babe!”

You wonder if you had ever been this enthused over a Happy Meal toy. You think back and can’t remember a single instance. After all, what is a Happy Meal toy, but a chunk of cheap plastic molded into a cartoon figure? Although, the toy that your sister now holds tight against her chest isn’t a plastic mold, but a genuine plushie. It may not look like Babe in the slightest, but it’s cute. You’ll at least acknowledge that.

Dad comes back while you’re dunking the last crispy fry into a plastic container of Sweet ’n’ Sour sauce. “Good news.” He mounts a swivel chair next to you. “A taxi will be here in twenty minutes. Damn, where are my fucking fries?”

“I gave them to Bella.” Mom wipes her chin with a crumpled napkin. “You know how fussy she is with food.”

When he looks over to the fry in your hand, you extend it out to him. “Do you want it?” You feel bad that you’ve unknowingly stolen his fries.

“No, you have it.” He gives you a reassuring smile. “Are you going to eat those nuggets?”

You shake your head in the negative and gladly give him the offending nuggets. How anyone could stand to eat them, you couldn’t even begin to hazard a guess.

Twenty minutes turns into two hours. Kay provides much needed entertainment by enacting the entirety of the Babe movie to you. And in that moment, you don’t hate your sister. In fact, you feel very fortunate to have such a creative and loving soul in your life.

Just as she nears the end of the tale, a green Buick pulls up. With relief, you follow your family outside. Pins and needles have invaded the calf of your right leg. For the next minute, it feels like silly putty.

As you approach the vehicle, the driver rolls down his window. “Where you folks heading?” The driver has a pinched nose and freckles anointing every square inch of his face. Never have you seen someone in possession of so many freckles before. “Minnesota was it?”

“No.” Dad opens the back seat. “Red Oak, Michigan.” He then proceeds to give the man not only the address, but also a detailed description of the outer façade of the duplex. From the weatherworn bricks right down to the metal bars on the lower floor’s windows.

“Kay get in.” Mom snaps her fingers, and the resultant noise sounds dull in the humid air. “Double time.”

“But I want to sit in the middle.” Kay folds her arms across her chest and pouts. In one fist, she still grips tightly unto Babe.

Mom’s eyes narrow. “I want no lip now.” She uses the tone of voice reserved for spankings.

“No!” Kay scrambles into the back seat. In all the years you have known her, you never knew that she could move that fast. “I’ll be good!”

“You next, Bella.” Mom’s voice sounds horse and dry. “Quickly now.”

Not wanting to incur Mom’s wrath, you quickly follow your sister into the backseat. As you enter the space, you can smell the overpowering stench of gin and stale cigarettes. Your stomach heaves, and you can feel the undigested remains of your lunch as it sloshes around in your stomach. Covering your nose with your shirt sleeve, you settle in next to your sister. To your relief, you can still smell the Tide laundry detergent. And this smell prevents you from gagging and throwing up all over the place.

Mom settles in next to you, and her musk perfume further helps mask the offensive odor. “God, I could sleep for a hundred years.” She closes her eyes.

For the next five minutes, Dad provides excruciating detail about the interior of the apartment before he finally settles into the passenger seat. As the driver navigates out of the parking lot and on to the main road, he begins to snore. This snore takes on the cadence and timbre of a buzz saw. It’s so loud that it rattles the windowpanes.

“Ugh.” The sound cuts into your brain and sets it alight. You try to block out the noise with your hands, but still the sound manages to seep through. How the Earth hasn’t shattered into a million pieces already, you haven’t a clue. As your discomfort increases, you wonder if you should say something.

“Here.” The driver opens a compartment located between the passenger and driver seat. From the compartment, he takes out what looks like headphones. “These ear defenders should help. They can even block out an air raid siren.”

You look over at Mom to see if you should accept the stranger’s gift, but she’s fast asleep. Should I? You look back at the offering. Maybe they’d help. After all, if they can block out the sound of a siren, they can surely block out the sound of a thunderous snore.

“Nothing scary, I promise.” The driver has the type of voice that brings to mind cozy nights spent sitting around a warm campfire. “They help my little boy when he becomes overwhelmed by auditory input. I’m sure they can help you as well.”

You have no idea what auditory input means, you only know that the sound of Dad’s snoring will tear your brain asunder if you don’t do something to eliminate the offending noise. “Thanks.” You quickly take the offering and place the cuffs over your ears. And as the cuffs hug your ears, it creates a vacuum that dampens the snoring to a soft murmur. “Oh, how wonderful!” You experience a joy that your sister must have experienced when she received a pig plushie in her Happy Meal box.

For the next fifteen minutes, Kay dozes on your shoulder. At first, you don’t mind the sensation, and it actually feels comforting. But as the minutes drag by, the sensation begins to bother you in a way that you can’t quite describe. You begin to feel constricted and unable to draw in a full breath. You gently push her away from you and instantly, the pressure decreases.

But before you can fully enjoy the freedom, Mom slumps unto your other shoulder. You’re slightly afraid to disturb her, so you put up with the tingling sensation in your arm until it hurts to even wiggle your pinky.

“Mom, my arm.” You push her aside, and fortunately for you, she doesn’t awaken.

Missouri becomes Illinois, yet the scenery remains unchanged. As the events of the day catch up to you, your eyes feel heavy as if weighed down by a fifty pound anchor. Closing them, you can see a distorted image of the bedroom that you share with your sister. Yawning, you try to restore and add details to this image, but sleepiness thwarts your plans. You can feel it encase your body in a gossamer web of drowsiness.

Instead of fighting it, you simply embrace it. You imagine slipping under your Goosebumps comforter as the Care Bears clock on the nightstand tick tock ticks. After offering a brief prayer to Jesus, the protector that banishes the Ghoulies to the closet, you sink fully into Dreamland.

III

Within the darkness, you become aware of pain throbbing in your head and a bandage applying pressure to your forehead. For the moment, you have forgotten the field of corn, the cheese ball rain, the beam of intense light. For at this moment, you’re only aware of the pulsating wave of pain that assaults your brain with each beat of your heart. And then, the pain abates, which allows you to sink more fully into the darkness.

And how long this darkness has lasted, you can’t say. You only know that it seems never-ending. But when you begin to fear that this darkness will never cease, you hear a melodious voice. “Bella.” This gentle voice dissolves the blackness into various shades of gray. In fact, it sounds like wind chimes dancing in a gentle breeze. “Can you hear me?” So soft. “Bella.” And then louder still. “Come on, sweetie.” Until you can hear it clearly and succinctly. “Bella, squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

“Mom?” You open your eyes and see a woman with teased shoulder length hair. She is wearing a Winnie the Pooh smock. The repeating pattern shows Piglet, Kanga, and Roo looking up the trunk of a chestnut tree at Owl who sits on one of its many branches. “Who are you?”

“Oh, thank God.” She smiles, and this smile lights up her entire face. To you, she looks like the Buddha statue that your abuela proudly displays on her fireplace’s mantel. Serene yet stern. “Relax, everything will be fine. I’m Dr. Laurier.” From a front pocket, she takes out a popsicle stick. “Do you have any pain?”

Wiggling your toes and fingers, you only detect a slight ping in your left shoulder. You then gingerly touch the bandage plastered to your forehead. It feels slick and a bit sticky, but no pain do you feel. Just when you ascertain that you’re fine, the image of a wall of blinding white light sears hot within your brain. The accident!

“Mom?” You sit up, and an IV tube in your right hand snags on the blanket. “Dad?” Pushing the blankets off, a sharp stabbing pain sears into your hand when the IV dislodges and rolls onto the grimy linoleum floor. Liquid oozes from the IV, creating a small puddle of cloudy liquid. “Kay?” A machine beeps when something disconnects from your left pointer finger.

“Sweetie, you must remain calm.” The doctor takes a hesitant step towards you. In that moment, she resembles the creature from the Black Lagoon.

“Don’t touch me.” You sidle off the hospital bed and back away from her.

“Take a deep breath.” The doctor smiles and takes another hesitant step. “Everything will be okay.”

“Mommy?” The lights in the room become a kaleidoscope of color. You feel detached and disconnected from your body. Everything in the room seems ethereal and holographic. “Daddy?” Your stomach contorts into a pretzel as a cold chill ransacks your spine. “Sissy?” A wave of nausea radiates from your stomach and travels to your fluttering heart. “Where are they?” Your thoughts zip and zoom in your brain. At this moment, you can form no coherent thoughts nor any concrete emotions.

“They would want you to lie down and get some rest.” She extends a hand out to you. “Here, take my hand, and I’ll get you settled back into bed.”

“No.” You back against a machine that makes a noise like the five minute warning bell at school. “Don’t touch me.” To further get your point across, you press your arms tightly against your chest. “I want Mom and Dad. Where are they? What did you do to them?”

The room continues to spin as you fight off the darkness creeping upon you. “I will not faint. I will not faint.” Your brain chants, and this chant brings some semblance of order to the chaos that this day has become. To prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed, you focus solely on the doctor’s downturned mouth.

The doctor plants a hand on both hips, but not a sound does she utter. The silence burrows deep within your heart like a cancer. Until this moment, you thought nothing could sound louder than Dad’s snores. As her silence stretches out, a certainty of your family’s fate grows stronger within you. If they were fine, she would say so. If they were fine, she’d take you to see them straight away. If they were fine, there wouldn't be this silence. This deafening and all consuming silence.

“Say something.” Your voice sounds foreign to you. High pitched and shrill like a witch’s cackle.

Instead of saying something, she simply sighs. And that’s when you know: They…are…nevermore. For when darkness descends, all hope withers with it. And with a body seemingly consumed by the Earth’s gravity, the tears flow hot against your cheeks, and the grief swallows you whole. And so begins a new chapter of your life. One of uncertainty and all-consuming sorrow.

[end of story]

Note:

Bella has autism. In the nineties, it was unusual for girls to get diagnosed.

The cover image is a stock photo in Canva.

#neurodivergent #autism #autistic #literary fiction #1990s #90s #original short story #short story #self published author #neurodivergent writer #aroace writer #missouri #illinois #road trip #family dynamics #loss of innocence #nonlinear #autistic protagonist

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flyingwargle · 1 month ago

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september fanfic recs!

check out the previous months' recs: july, august

some of these fics are rated e!

sakuatsu

your hands (pressed to my cheeks)

t. 2.9k. lovely fluff and soft domestic sakuatsu for the soul.

this too, has changed

t. 6.4k. sakuatsu childhood friends agenda! it was so sweet, and their reunion at the end was *chef's kiss*

dog eat dog eat dog world

t. 8.4k. introspective piece in sakusa's pov about atsumu and their eventual getting together.

where i want to be

t. 8.8k. oooh boy i loved this. sakusa offers to share his bed with atsumu but isn't used to it and sleeps on the couch and atsumu takes it the wrong way. loved the hurt/comfort, the fluff, and eventual resolution.

curse breaking

t. 9.2k. 2/2. atsumu is giving sakusa the silent treatment and he doesn't know why. also includes glimpses of their established relationship, which is portrayed in such a soft and affectionate way <3 the sequel, phantasm, is also just as soft and beautiful.

soft landing in a crater heart

g. 9.9k. sakusa confesses to atsumu right before atsumu leaves to play overseas. lovely mutual pining and a reunion that made me swoon. beautiful writing too!

Spit

e. 12.2k. 3/3 part of a series where atsumu has an eating disorder and body dysmorphia and sakusa is a loving partner. this particular one is nsfw but full of body worship and love <3

Miya Atsumu, Only Man Ever

e. 13.9k. first: sakusa and hinata friendship? yes. second: sakusa being down bad for atsumu? yes. hilarious premise, and sakusa gets his man in the end. loved this!

On Public Affaires And Private Affections

t. 14.1k. in which everyone thinks sakusa and atsumu are in a relationship (they aren't) and no one thinks hinata and kageyama are in a relationship (they are). the slowburn was so good and the build-up was amazing. loved every minute of this.

shadow play

e. 14.7k. 3/3. atsumu is tired of hookups and decides to throw money onto an adult site to watch a camboy named umeboshi. i think you know where this will go �� i loved the writing, the mystery, the eventual coming together. beautiful details and art too!

cut the conversation, just open your mouth

e. 16.2k. nonlinear sakuatsu fwb narrative where they both catch feelings. i swear i can come up with a whole list of recs for this specific flavor of sakuatsu.

morpheus

m. 18.2k. 3/3. atsumu's dreams are filled with sakusa but they're intrusive to the point that he can't sleep. they eventually get together. this was filled with amazing imagery and metaphors, one of my favorites <3

even my cats think we'd be good together

t. 22.6k. 2/2. FLUFF OVERLOAD! sakusa owns a cat cafe and hires atsumu as a full-time worker. slowburn with lots and lots of cats and so many people calling sakusa out on his obliviousness.

Miya Atsumu, Adored By All (loved by some)

t. 41.1k. 2/2. first: atsumu can knit? yes. second: atsumu gets the man and all the hugs? yes. insecure atsumu is also a flavor of atsumu that i love and this was done so, so well!

And Foxes will Lie

m. 86.7k. 17/17. mafia au with such a complex plot and intricate character dynamics. the whole time i was reading, i was in awe that this?? is free?? i love longfic writers 🛐 check it out for amazing twists, suspenseful mystery, and ofc, endgame sakuatsu (with other amazing side ships and relationships)

sunaosa

frying pans

g. 4.3k. first: best summary ever (i'd include it but it's slightly too long for brief commentary haha) and second: osamu takes suna's sister to disneyland and she sasses the living hell out of him. amazing. i also really loved kindling, the sequel <3

(if you're wondering if i want you to) i want you to

not rated. 5.2k. ginjima shares a link to a google form that's a poll to vote for the best miya and he reads some of the comments aloud. osamu starts wondering if suna wrote one of the comments, and he's right. love the premise, the getting together, and the friendship.

long way home

e. 15.5k. it takes suna 6 years to realize what osamu means to him while sleeping with him throughout. we love and support an emotionally constipated suna in this house.

The Loss We Learned

t. 41.6k. 8/8. suna and osamu break up after a nasty argument, lose contact for 5 years, until they see each other again. i loved the hurt/comfort, the gradual awkwardness melting away to perhaps rekindling the relationship again, and how time played a part. beautifully written also!

bokuaka

I once was lost but now I'm found

g. 3.4k. bokuto gets lost in a corn maze and akaashi goes to rescue him. very cute and endearing premise, and lovely character interactions.

I'll give a bouquet to these unending days

g. 6.5k. a spin on his attendance to the msby vs. adlers match where akaashi is repressing his emotions and bokuto takes a step closer toward him. i loved, loved, LOVED the imagery and characterization, my gourd. gorgeous writing.

iwaoi

Like One of Your French Girls

e. 4k. oikawa needles iwa into sleeping with him. peak awkward iwaoi, i enjoyed it!

no love like your love

t. 9.8k. iwaoi through the years with outsider povs. i love outsider pov fics of developing relationships and these povs are all varied and nuanced. loved them all!

i grew up, you grew down

t. 19.7k. 2/2. my gourd, this fic. oikawa retires and promptly falls off the face of social media to hermit at iwa's place. idiots to lovers with paparazzi and social media scandals. also explores "what next?" after volleyball in such a poignant way.

my heart is where it's always been

not rated. 21.1k. 4/4. iwa learns that oikawa is pining after someone and it takes him 4 chapters to realize that he's pining for oikawa, too.

other

Bunk Beds

t. 3.7k. miya twins hurt/comfort after a traumatic incident in osamu's pov. excellent writing and comfort, we love and respect the twins in this house.

one day, felt it let go of me

g. 4.2k. i really needed natsu being adopted by all of hinata's past rivals and friends in sendai to learn volleyball from them. i need more natsu in general, honestly.

Of Beers and Epiphanies

t. 4.6k. kagehina. kageyama visits hinata in brazil and hinata may have confessed to him in portuguese? loved the language shenanigans and eventual coming together.

the body you become

t. 5.5k. miwa pov about growing up with kageyama, the loss they endured, and her big sister instincts. we love wholesome sibling relationships in this house.

A helping hand

t. 6k. kagehina. natsu tag-teams with miwa to get their brothers together. very cute, we stan supportive sisters in this house.

you're the brake lines failing (as my car swerves off the freeway)

t. 14.9k. kuroken. i feel like every month, i read a banger kuroken fic, and i'm all for it. kenma goes through the 5 stages of grief about his crush on kuroo but eventually gets his man <3

Below Destiny

g. 15.5k. daichi tries to get ennoshita to accept the captain position after him but ennoshita is Not Having It. amazing writing and character study, with karasuno-typical shenanigans.

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rosenotactuallyquartz · 2 months ago

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back to the barn

… is a very important episode, especially for pearl’s character. i’ve also noticed that, surprisingly, it says a lot about pearlrose.

pearl is a complex character & so is her relationship with the love of her life. as expected, her growth is nonlinear & complicated as well, and it’s not merely about “getting over" rose. heck, there are times when pearl’s love for her grows at the same time as significant moments in her personal development.

pearl + rose were rebels who rejected homeworld's society. pearl’s trauma from being seen as inferior & replaceable (i.e., ongoing self worth issues) complicated her relationship with rose (i.e, ongoing issue of pearl struggling to understand & truly believe she could be loved for who she was, not just what she could do).

nevertheless, back to the barn shows that pearl has trauma & struggles in general that are not directly caused by her relationship with rose.

after all, pearl is her own gem. a lot of her pain is her own too… it’s not about a relationship.

now, i love peridot, and when i quote some of the things she says, don’t see this as me saying, “this is what her character thinks of pearl.” this is no hate towards peridot, that’s not what this analysis is about. i adore everything about her.

the point is, peridot is still new to earth! she’s not quite a crystal gem yet (and, by the way, i love her character development too) and she’s still learning. she’s used to homeworld’s ideas about gems.

so, this reflects what homeworld thinks of pearls.

"pearls aren't for this. they're for standing around, looking nice, & holding your stuff... right?"

"you're an accessory, somebody’s shiny toy!"

when peridot asks pearl who she belongs to, pearl snaps, "nobody!" which reminds the audience of a playful exchange between her & bismuth—something that bismuth prompted the moment she left lion. this detail is important, because bismuth had been bubbled since the war.

it comes so naturally between them & implies that this exchange is something the crystal gems always did with pearl during the rebellion. someone says, “who do you belong to,” and she proudly, immediately responds with, “nobody!”

this ties into the times when garnet talked about meeting pearl during the war, describing her as the terrifying renegade & a pearl who belonged to no one. as the leader of the crystal gems who said, “we’ll both finally be free,” & “isn’t this exciting?” in a single pale rose, to which pearl’s cheeks turn blue & she says, “it is,” it’s likely that rose started this “who do you belong to” exchange with pearl and the other rebels caught on. but at the very least, we know that rose loved it… & so did pearl.

it’s ironic, as the leader of the rebellion was once a diamond who was expected to give orders to her sole confidant, who was once a pearl serving the great diamond authority. but there’s so much evidence that the “terrifying renegade” & “just rose” are their true selves. during the war, pearl was already becoming her own gem. she was arguing with rose & fighting & everyone around her saw her as a true rebel, belonging to no one.

i also think rose’s secret would have been much harder to hide if pearl had acted the way she did in their old, forced homeworld dynamic & they hadn’t made progress in redefining their relationship, making it their own relationship that very much goes against homeworld. and this was still very early in their time on earth, too!

and when she’s reminded of all the ideas homeworld gems have about pearls, here’s the thing:

pearl doesn’t shrink in response.

instead, she’s determined to prove peridot wrong. she is confident in her abilities, assertive, stands up for herself, & knows she's capable of more than homeworld allowed. this can be true even if she has moments where the trauma from homeworld gets to her & she feels insecure or struggles to know her true strength. those setbacks are expected after living in a society in which she’s seen as replaceable, a thing, made to serve. however, at the end of the day, it’s obvious that pearl has been fighting her own mind & the mindsets of homeworld gems, making progress for centuries… and she wants to make progress.

also, when pearl is first ordered around (i.e., “you can go now… how do you get her to leave?”), she’s confused. this is a sign of how far she's come since her days on homeworld when she would say, “i could imagine it, if you would like me to.” she fights back & insists that peridot listens to her and that they work together. just as pearl + rose worked together in their early days on earth, when rose would call pearl’s ideas brilliant, saying that she couldn’t have done certain things without her. “pearl! you’re so smart.”

pearl loves her independence & is still deeply in love with rose. it's only been fourteen years since rose's death, a short time for gems. pearl often talks about rose, especially the traits she cherished, like how rose saw the beauty in everything. they lived together for thousands of years and their major relationship issues that lacked closure were at the beginning & end, not in the middle, suggesting that they had a few thousand years in which they lived together comfortably & their relationship was healthier. since she was close to rose, she likely understood how much rose admired those around her, too.

& while there are many things that shaped peridot’s perception of the world and understanding of the crystal gems, this may have had a tiny influence:

“rose quartz believed all life was precious and worth protecting.” — pearl, it could’ve been great

“i can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting!” — peridot, message received

pearl’s love for rose doesn’t reinforce stereotypes & expectations about pearls on homeworld. their relationship may be difficult to understand at times because they keep a lot of secrets from the other gems, but it’s very clear that their dynamic, as well as their feelings for each other, are a form of rebellion rather than something that mirrors the homeworld dynamic between, for example, blue pearl & blue diamond.

“pearl and rose start fusing. a lot.” — steven universe, end of an era, page 77

imagine what the homeworld gems would think if they knew a pearl + a diamond not only fused, but that pearl initiated it. if they knew rose called her "my pearl,” a term for superiors, and pearl called her just.. rose? even the way pearl shouts “why won’t you just let me do this for you, rose?” is very different from gently saying, “well, i was… sort of thinking you were the priority here.” pearl, who wasn’t "supposed to" be bold or shameless, became exactly that, and rose loved her for it—she went from having a displeased expression when pearl followed the rules on homeworld to falling in love with everything that homeworld claims she isn’t supposed to be, being in awe of her true self.

pearl’s trauma isn’t tied just to one person but to an entire society. her relationship with rose wasn’t merely a continuation of the homeworld power dynamic. it was the opposite. rose said herself, earth is the place in which there are endless possibilities. pearl fell in love with her on earth & not on homeworld for a reason.

would pearl have been so deeply in love with rose, for such a long time, if she felt primarily devotion to a diamond or if rose treated her like homeworld’s idea of a pearl? would either of them live together for as long as they did… heck, would the other crystal gems want to live with them if this was the case?

the answer is really evident in back to the barn.

“now listen here, you tiny twerp! in case you've forgotten, you're on our turf now! and i didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of you!”

“i’m as good at building things as you. better, even!”

she’s passionate about being a rebel, and this disproves any claim that pearl only became a crystal gem because of “devotion to a diamond” and “not being her own gem.” it’s difficult & there’s setbacks, but she wants to be her own gem, is genuinely in love with rose as an individual, & as i said, the terrifying renegade is very much her true self.

pearl’s character is often oversimplified, reduced to just a follower who needs to "get over" rose. but it’s not that simple & after all, she still loves her in the end. and personally, as a sapphic woman, this complexity resonates deeply. homeworld makes pearls feel incapable of certain things, inferior, and as if they must fit into certain stereotypes. they act like, “she can’t fight, she’s just made to serve someone and stand there and look pretty.” just as some folks may be told that they can’t do certain things, and that they’re supposed to serve the person they’re married to and that’s all (and this person is very often expected to be called a husband so the relationship feels forced in some cases, especially in environments where it feels unsafe to be your true self &/or form relationships based on choices and how you feel). but pearl is her own individual! she should be who she is, and gems are wrong to look at her with disapproval & expect her to fit into such specific boxes just because she has a certain gem. pearl’s character development is more layered and meaningful than just "moving on" from someone who died. there’s so many hidden messages, and this is one that i personally find meaningful as someone who’s feminine & sapphic. & her love for rose is something she only felt when she was on earth. she wanted to make her happy & they fused—a diamond & a pearl—which was all part of an understanding that they could form the relationship they want, even if society disapproves because of their gems.

that being said, i’m not ignoring the power imbalance that pearl + rose had to work through, especially at the start of their time on earth. on homeworld, they were forced into a specific dynamic, & all the other dynamics around them were also forced. yes, pink’s true self was just rose, and the terrifying renegade was pearl’s true self too. still, during their early years, they didn’t know anything other than homeworld’s society. this was further complicated by pink feeling powerless (which made her unaware of and unable to understand the powers she had), their responses to their personal and shared experiences, and the fact that they were each other’s first loves. my point is, there are many signs that pearl and rose made progress—during a war no less—in redefining their relationship, and they clearly both wanted the same thing. they allowed each other to be their true selves, and by the time they were living together, especially after seeing pearl proudly and shamelessly fusing with rose in front of a camera and not thinking twice about her gem and rose’s gem… it seems they had other complications in their relationship, and their original dynamic rarely caused issues for them by that point.

which is not easy to do. at all. the progress that they did make (even if their relationship was never perfect, and given the many difficult situations they were in, there would always be some ongoing work to do) prior to rose’s passing says so much about how strongly they both felt about the rebellion & each other. the dynamic that they both wanted from the start has always been one that homeworld would despise them for.

lastly, at the end of the episode, steven says something important:

"you’re wrong! if pearls are really like you say, then pearl isn’t common at all! she trained herself to fight! she learned how to build things! she works hard every day to be greater than she already is! that’s not common; that’s amazing!"

this is the pearl steven has always known. he knows her well, & although he may not know or understand everything about her past yet, he knows that she works hard to grow, to improve.

all while she’s in the early stages of grieving rose. all while she’s raising a child. this is a strong character, someone who’s strong in a realistic way (or dare i say, real way). she’s flawed & she has setbacks, but she grows & sets her mind to overcoming such complicated trauma from homeworld. falling out of love with rose? based on their relationship, that is not a step in her healing that needs to happen. instead, she needs to overcome many complicated problems, personally & in her relationships, to find closure after the loss and also continue to feel at peace with herself.

her growth didn’t happen overnight & it didn’t start after losing rose. it was ongoing while she was with rose, and that’s one of the reasons they loved each other.

then there's the way pearl looks at steven after he says that. it completely contrasts the way she reacts when homeworld gems tell her how pearls should act. she’s clearly touched, & it’s more than likely that this is the way rose would speak to her.

“sometimes, you even sound like her.” — pearl, rose’s scabbard

#pearlrose #steven universe #steven universe analysis #crystal gems #pink diamond #prose #pearl x rose #rose quartz #rosepearl #su pearl #su #meta su

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wangxianficfinder · 11 months ago

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Canon Divergence pt.2 (general) (pt.1)

~*~

The Scarlet Lotus by rainbowninja167 (M, 137k, WangXian, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Identity, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical war crimes, Yunmeng Bros, the mortifying ordeal of getting seduced by your own husband, nonlinear chronology we die like cql, just kidding nobody dies in this fic, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication)

stay, fury, your wrist wrapped in silk by spookykingdomstarlight (E, 228k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, YLLZ LWJ, LWJ loses his golden core, yiling wei sect, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Major Character Injury, Injury Recovery, Temporary Character Death, War Crimes, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Revenge, temporary impotence, growing intimacy)

I Know How Those in Exile Feed on Dreams of Hope by rabbit_habits, saltedpin (E, 474k, WangXian, NieLan, XuanLi, ChengQing, Canon Divergence, Slow Burn, Canon-Typical Violence, Presumed Dead, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Political Marriages, Ensemble Cast, minor non-canonical character death, 3zun | Venerated Triad Dynamics, the dynamics are 'UST', Canonical Character Death)

Hand in Hand Together (All Your Life) by sami (T, 41k, WZL/JC, WangXian, Queerplatonic relationship, Implied future MingLi, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon Divergence, Time Travel Fix-It, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Slow Burn)

The Dreams of Youth by sami (E, 85k, WangXian, YZY/TLJ, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Fix-It, Family, Not Lan Sect Friendly, Bad Dads, good dads, JFM's A+ parenting, Qingheng-Jun's F- Existence, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Sort Of, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Some People Live/Not Everyone Dies, Canonical Character Death)

An Elegant Solution by giraffeter (E, 205k, niewangxian, canon divergence, arranged marriage, friends to lovers, fix-it, everyone lives au, courtship, polyamory, smut)

🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 742k, WangXian, WIP, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Sexual Tension, Supportive LQR, Light Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, WWX learns about his parents, First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, LWJ is confused, Then he is 100 percent on board, Kink Discovery, Kink Exploration, Bisexual WWX, Dual Cultivation, Slow Burn, Fix-It of Sorts, Not JFM friendly, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Blood and Gore, Supportive LXC, Protective LXC, Canon Divergence, Inventor WWX, Eventual Smut, Possessive LWJ, Genius WWX, Cultivation Sect Politics, Scheming NHS, Cultivation Discussion Conferences, Pre-Sunshot Campaign, Minor Character Death, NHS gets himself a beard (not the facial kind), POV WWX, Fluff and Smut, Burning of the Cloud Recesses)

🔒Instead by apathyinreverie (T, 27k, wangxian, fix-it, darker gusu lan, manipulative elders, but in a good way?, golden core transfer fix-it of sorts, not Jiang friendly, or anyone friendly, except wangxian, cultivation world critical, fluff, sunshot, politics, courting rituals, genius WWX, no demonic cultivation, talismans, possessive LWJ, protective LWJ, WIP)

no step had trodden black by Stratisphyre (T, 32k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Madam Lan lives, Past Rape, Golden Core Reveal, Hurt/Comfort, References to Attempted Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence)

to hell and back for you by blumeraki (G, 5k, WangXian, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Universe, Protective WWX, Protective LWJ, Everything Hurts, Implied/Referenced Torture, Hurt WWX, Hurt LWJ, Branding Iron, Whipping, discipline whip, jc saves the day, Canon Divergence)

these colours fade for you only by doodlebutt (T, 36k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everybody Lives, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, ...eventually, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Sunshot Campaign)

🔒 Blossoming flowers in a full moon - 花好月圆 by ThisIsWhereTheMagicHappens (T, 64k, wangxian, canon divergence, happy ending, fix-it of sorts, wangxian cuddle to immortarility)

🔒🧡 rain falls and soaks into the earth series by RoseThorne (T, 53k, WangXian, WIP, Near Death Experience, Attempt Drowning, Madam Yu Bashing, Recovery, No war AU)

Ties series by WithBroomBefore (M, 15k, NMJ/WQ, wangxian, canon divergence, fix-it, not everyone dies au, family feels, no golden core transfer, sect leader JYL, canon typical violence, sick fic, trans NMJ, sunshot campaign, WQ pov, happy ending)

🧡 Company by WithBroomBefore (T, 29k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, Getting Together, POV LWJ, Fix-It, Pre-Canon, at least to start, WWX goes to Cloud Recesses, But Not In The Usual Way, fear of character death, Everybody Lives, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Light Angst, good teacher LQR, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, brief discussion of past minor character suicide, Kitten, Not YZY Friendly)

The Devil That You Forgot by pottedplnt (Not Rated, 20k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, BAMF WWX, YLLZ WWX, Rogue Cultivator WWX, WWX Isn't Adopted by the Jiāngs, Angst, Sentient Burial Mounds, Demonic Cultivation, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sunshot Campaign, Chronic Pain, JFM and YZY Bashing, Bad Parent YZY, Jiāng Family Bashing)

To Ride A Stygian Tiger by Madyamisam for Duochanfan (M, 111k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time travel, Angst with a happy ending, BAMF WWX, Dark LWJ, Slow burn, Family Feels, Misunderstandings)

Those Who Defy by qurbat (G, 31k, wangxian, LWJ & LSZ & WWX, canon divergence, found family, everyone who matter lives au, justice for wen remnants, WIP)

Cultivating immortality by KizuKatana (E, 231k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Mutual Pining, BAMF WWX, BAMF LWJ, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, unreliable narrator, Found Family, First Time, novel canon relationship dynamics)

🧡 a paper friend by soft_wanning (G, 4k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Paperman!WWX, Identity Porn, Meet-Cute, Different First Meeting)

❤️ By Any Other Name by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 31k, Wangxian, Canon Divergence, Crossdressing, Misunderstandings, Identity Porn, Identity reveal)

Heart of the Beast by WaitForTheSnitch (E, 386k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Protective NMJ & NHS, Soft NMJ, Pining LWJ)

A Good Placement by madwriter223 (T, 12k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, What if YZY had been the one to find WWX AU, Emotional Manipulation, Lies, Street Child WWX, Fluff and Angst, OOC but YZY is doing that on purpose, Found Family, itty bitty Wangxian, Bittersweet Ending)

Until The End by abCEE (M, 365k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, war changes people resulting to OOC, no Pining, Established Relationship, wangxian are married and have a son, Mpreg, Good Uncle LQR, a little grey LWJ, a bit of JC bashing from LWJ, BAMF JYL, 16 years of yearning, mainly CQL verse but has scenes from the novel as well, LSZ is WangXian's Child, WWX Has a New Golden Core, Canonical Character Death -WWX, Canon Rewrite, Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts)

🔒❤️ shades of grey by cl410 (M, 58k, nielan, wangxian, Hurt/Comfort, Accidental Sibling Acquisition, Single Dad NMJ, NHS & WWX Friendship, Fluff, Humor, Happy Ending, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Protective NMJ, Some angst, Blood and Injury, Kidnapping, Protective Siblings, Found Family)

🔒Dear Fellow Traveler by Netrixie (Not Rated, 13k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alive WWX parents, immortal BSSR and family being rogue cultivators together, meet cute, travel partners falling in love, Flirting, Yearning, Sharing a Bed, Fluff, Sweet, good parental figures only, Pre-Relationship, Getting Together)

🧡 close your eyes, feel my heartbeat by ThatDesiGirl (T, 11k, WangXian, blind!WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, Rewriting Canon, not a fix-it but a what-if, Golden Core Transfer)

🧡 Resplendence by FrozenMarVel (E, 166k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, CS Lives, Different first meeting, Fluff, Crossdressing, Love at first sight, Fix-it of sorts)

🔒Wújī by FairyTaleDreams (M, 55k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, WCZ & CS Lives, Rouge cultivator WWX)

you can have the best of me, baby by stiltonbasket (Not Rated, 12k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, Dual Cultivation, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Sunshot Campaign, Getting Together, a-yuan is wangxian's baby, Happy Ending)

There are (no) (un)written rules by Winxhelina (T, 33k, WangXian, Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, madam yu is madam yu, Misunderstandings, Angst and Humor, Mutual Pining)

You don't have to go home (there's a long way to go) by AmiraAlzilu (M, 28k, WIP, WangXian, XuanLi, not Jiang friendly, Jiāng Family Bashing, Fluff and Angst, Family Feels, WWX Has a Family, Getting to Know Each Other, Getting Together, BAMF WWX, Self-Reflection, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Fix-It)

🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 91k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, /Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days)

#Wangxian Fic Rec #The Untamed #wangxian #MDZS #wangxianficfinder compilation post #long post

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chaos0pikachu · 10 months ago

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Film Making? In My BL? - The Sign ep01 Edition

So, if we're doing this we're doing this, so buckle in baby.

I'm gonna focus how the opening scene below, uses two narrative devices and one film technique to build out the scene as a whole: in media res, misdirection, and the long take.

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Okay so to begin, we have to start at the beginning, or well, the middle lmao

In Media Res

I saw a post in the tag that said something to the effect of how The Sign starting with no context and providing no information at the beginning was strange, with the implication it was bad writing. I disagree, fundamentally, because The Sign is using a very common literary device called 'In Media Res'. And in my opinion, uses this device very well.

If you're familiar with basic storytelling terms I ain't telling you anything new, but for folks who may not know, in media res is a latin term that means "in the midst of things" and lots of stories - both prose, comics, and film - use this device.

The most famous is The Iliad by Homer, which if you've ever read - and you should it's glorious also it'll give some context to Song of Achilles - you know it drops you full-on no context into the middle of things. The beginning will differ in verbiage depending on the translation you pick up, this free version starts with:

THE CONTENTION OF ACHILLES AND AGAMEMNON. In the war of Troy, the Greeks having sacked some of the neighboring towns, and taken from thence two beautiful captives, Chryseis and Briseis, allotted the first to Agamemnon, and the last to Achilles.

Right off the bat the story drops four character names and the setting with no real context. Who are all these people? Why is there a war? Well, keep reading to find out! It also starts the story with an action aka an argument - nay A CONTENTION!! Achilles and Agamemnon are such bratty bitches lol

Other (more mainstream) examples include:

The Dark Knight

Lost

28 Days Later

Mission Impossible (pick one)

Fight Club

Full Metal Alchemist (both)

MDZS

Inception

And, The Sign.

"In contrast to linear storytelling, which starts at the beginning and moves sequentially, in medias res is a nonlinear approach that can make stories more dynamic and immersive.

It's a technique that challenges the audience to make sense of the narrative puzzle, often revealing essential information about the characters and their motivations gradually." (source)

What's described above is exactly how The Sign, starts it's story, in the middle of things, specifically to create a puzzle for the audience to figure out gradually. If you watch the above scene, what's happening?

We get a (well done) overshot of an island (establishing setting), we see a group of soldiers (establishing the characters we'll be following) we see them doing military things (okay these are their skills, and they're on some sort of mission), their drone spots a group of people inside and a character says the dialogue "Listen up, you only have 15 minutes" (this establishes stakes, okay there's a time limit to this mission) "Team A will rescue the hostage" (okay now we know what the mission is and informs these characters are on a rescue mission).

Who is speaking here? We don't know yet, but a safe assertion would be this character, since they are the first character who speaks on screen, will be important.

And we'd be right because it's Phaya speaking, one of our main protagonists as well soon find out.

All this happens within the first minute; the show provides an interesting set-up. It deals out information in tidbits - setting, characters we'll be following, situation set-up, stakes - but not enough information for the audience not to ask questions.

I want to iterate that at this point, the goal isn't to "care" about the characters yet, so much as create an intriguing set-up based in action that will showcase various information about the tone, setting, and skills of the piece that will engage the audience. To make the audience ask questions, to engage with them.

When you open up on MDZS the protagonist, Wei Wuxian is dead and we have no context for this. Everyone is just in the middle of celebrating his death and we, the readers, do not care that he's dead or why he died. The story could have started in a more linear way, with him arriving at Cloud Recesses arguably the beginning of his journey, but would that have been as interesting? As engaging?

I like how this article breaks down the why of starting your story in media res is a powerful and often used device:

This is what The Sign is doing in this opening part. Starting the action of the series off with action and creating that immediate engagement. The scene also ends with a plot twist which connects to that final point about information control.

This isn't a technique I've seen often used in BL because BL is a sub-genre of romance and most romances are told in chronological order, rather than non-linearly - there are, of course non-linear romances, but most mainstream romances, and by extension most BL aren't told in this way - BL shows don't often have actual physical action. A majority, especially in Thailand, are grounded, closer to slice-of-life, coming-of-age, and comedy dramas - though we are starting to see a change in that trend.

So starting in the middle of things, like chepa the middle of what? Two dudes walking~ to Engineering class?

The goal of this opening scene is to pull in the audience, make them wonder and ask questions: "who are these characters? will they rescue the hostages? who are the bad guys? who is this character who's having visions?" and so on and so forth. It's a way to engage in the audience without having to slow down the narrative with a ton of exposition, or build up stakes slowly, rather it grabs the audience immediately and sets them in the middle of the tension asking them to engage with what's happening.

The Long Take

You've probably heard about "the long take" but to break it down, a long take is one continuous take without any edits/cuts. The film 1917 was famously filmed to "look" like one long take. One of the most cited and well known long takes is from Children of Men by Alfonso Cuarón:

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Now if you watch this movie you can tell why there isn't a lot of BL long takes because, god damn, they built a new type of car just to get that one scene. [read here for more on long takes]

So, The Sign. It's long take starts at about 2:08, following Phaya - again, we the audience don't know this is Phaya BUT since the camera is spending specific time with him we assume he is An Important Character and he is! Set up and payoff! Funny how that works - and ends at around 4:27.

[Sidenote I love that the take ends, not with a cut but a transition. Which I'll cover in another post but in the land of Thai BLs which favor cuts so damn much transitions were so refreshing to see]

During this long take, we establish that these characters are competent at what they do. We understand that they're military trained, in both hand-to-hand combat and firearms. We also get these two mid-close ups, which signifies these will be Important Characters:

And they are, the first shot is of Phaya, Khem and Thongthai and the second is Tharn and Yai.

This also sets-up the character dynamics; Yai and Tharn are already close and know each other so they are drawn to each other while on the mission, while Khem and Thongthai have a pre-established relationship but are still supporting behind Phaya.

This type of shot also allows for the audience to better see and follow the fighting that's happening on screen. Filming fight scenes are their own beast, and while there's no one school of thought on how a film scene "should" be filmed, there are techniques that that place some fight scenes above others.

The first video showcases some techniques on how to film a fight scene, while the second one at the 8min mark talks about the long take in John Woo's classic action film Hard Boiled.

This long take in Hard Boiled really showcases why long takes are so powerful in filming a fight scene specifically. They pull the audience further into the action and create a palpable energy that just works better than a scene with lots of quick cuts.

There's a reason one of the biggest criticisms of Mortal Kombat (2021) was that all the fights were edited to pieces while John Wick (2014) was a refreshing jolt to the industry.

youtube

The Sign takes a page out of John Woo's book, and places the characters, and the physicality of the scene front and center, pulling the audience along with the camera in one long shot.

Long takes are hard, I can't really emphasize this enough, if you watched that video on Children of Men you can see all the intricate work that went into scenes that amounted to maybe 5mins of actual film time. Likewise this long take in The Sign is only about 2mins of actual time in the show BUT it's effective, it's engaging, its ambitious.

Which is why, I gotta give The Sign it's roses because of that ambition. Long takes are a lot of hard work, time, effort, blocking, rehearsals, on top of incorporating the fight chorography that's a lot and it looks good.

Now is this the best~~~ long take I've ever seen? lol no god but it's well done and ambitious especially for the sub-genre of BL.

Misdirection

Misdirection has more in common with in media res than the long take as it's a literary device and not a filming technique.

From Gotham Writers:

"In fiction misdirection can be either external or internal. That is, the author can be using the story as a frame to misdirect the reader, or a character in the story may be misdirecting one or more of the other characters. Or, of course, both." (source)

Misdirection is often used in thrillers or mystery narratives, Hitchcock used misdirection a lot in his films.

In Psycho the audience is lured to believe that Marion, the character the film opens with, builds up, and essentially sets up as our protagonist, is in fact our protagonist. She's not, she's murdered and her sister, Lila, is the actual protagonist of the movie. Sorry if this is a spoiler for an almost 70 year old film lmao

Misdirection is often used to set-up plot twists down the line. A good misdirection will leave clues for the audience when they watch back and go, "oh! I can't believe I missed that!"

In film The Sixth Sense is a good example of this, where the plot twist at the end doesn't weaken the film once you know it but rather, it enhances the film itself on a rewatch. Another good example of misdirection in film are both Knives Out and Glass Onion, where Rian Johnson will set up a non-linear story and then slowly unravel the information for the audience.

Take the scene where Marta, in Knives Out, finds Fran's body and hears Fran say "it was you" at least to audience ears. Then stands up looming above Fran's body. The scene cuts, and the audience is led to believe Marta has let Fran die to protect herself (since we the audience also have been led to believe Fran is dead) only to find out later that Marta didn't let Fran die, she is alive, and she knew Ransom was the killer.

The Sign uses misdirection in a much more simple way. It sets up an expectation: Phaya is going to die, upping the stakes from "must save hostages" to "must save a comrade" aka the character we, the audience, have been following for the last 11 minutes. It sets two characters, Chart and Phaya, as opposing against each other, for reasons we don't know - is Chart one of the villains? Why is he trying to kill Phaya? etc - and the audience is led to believe this is a life or death situation.

Then, plot twist. The reveal happens that this was all a training exercise, and there was never any "real" danger whilst also keeping the audience on their toes. And like in The Iliad, now we have context for the mission, and then the story is able to step back and explain.

It's not like, the best~~~ use of misdirection but there was a purpose to it. It sets up an expectation, and subverts that expectation of the audience - but in a good way not a Game of Thrones way. While also pulling the audience into the show by starting in the middle of the action rather than slowing down the story with exposition or giving their hand away to much that this was a training exercise.

If you knew it was a training exercise, suddenly the stakes feel less intense because none of the characters are in any real danger, but not knowing that, withholding that information until it's relevant, ups the stakes of the scene.

The opening scene of The Sign imparts a lot of information without using a lot of dialogue and I find that impressive. We learn which characters will be relevant to the story - Phaya, Tharn, Yai, Khem, Thongthai and now we know, Chart is also important - that they are skilled combat fighters, knowledgeable in firearms, there's a fantasy element to the story via Tharn's visions, they're on an island which the setting for right now, and the tone and aesthetic of the show itself.

It's actually a fun scene to rewatch again with more context because I appreciated it even more. Which is just good film making.

I didn't talk much about the camera work - needless to say it's notable and fun - but maybe I'll save that for the next post. What other shows or scenes would be fun to breakdown? Drop me a line but heads up I don't actually watch a ton of shows so idk if I've seen xyz show lmao

Later chepies ✌️✌️