#Nobody ever really addresses the difference between something someone deserves and what others think they deserve.

[my-name-is-jefferooni]

Fleetway is literally the IDW fans during the Metal Virus arc lmfao

Part two to this and part three is here,

What a pleasant conversation Sonic is having with himself.

[skipper1331]

Your someone // Mary Fowler

a/n: based off this request.

"See you soon?" Mary asked, hugging you. Camp was officially over and everyone made their way back to their clubs.

Mary about to go back to Manchester while you would stay in Australia, "yeah, yeah of course" you replied, still holding on to her. It was a known fact for all your team mates that parting you from each other was hard, you would not see one another until the next camp. As well it was a common fact that you were in love with the other yet not acting on your feelings. 'I don‘t want to ruin our friendship' or 'she doesn‘t like me the way I like her'

"Do you ever think they‘ll admit that they‘re in love?" Macca asked Caitlin as they watched you hug.

"End of the next season they‘re a couple, wanna bet?" the gunner asked smirking, aware of conversations between you and City.

"Do you know something I don‘t?"

-

As the months went by the details of your transfer were clarified, your move to Man City was confirmed but nobody really knew. Manchester City went to sign you under the radar, the only one who knew was your home club, not even Mary, your best friend, knew about your joining.

As you arrived at City a member of the staff showed you around the facility and told you about the club history. You did a photoshoot to announce your signing and some q&a videos so that the fans could get to know you.

The next day, you left your house to go to training. It was the official start for you at a new club, in a new country. You're nervous but very happy. You got to see Mary again, that's what you've been looking forward to the most the time.

You stepped in to the facility, making your way to the changing room, ready for your first session.

"Hi" - "Hello" many girls greeting you with open arms but the one girl you hoped would be there wasn‘t. The girls were nice and you enjoyed to get to know them but someone was missing, your someone.

You were talking to Lauren and Chloe whilst the three of you walked out.

And then there was your someone. She looked stunning as always. It was as if she could feel the familiar feeling of peace coming over her, the feeling of security she felt when she was close to you. She turned around, not knowing why she would feel that, you‘re miles away or so she thought.

What she saw made her heart stop beating. She saw you. In a city shirt. Her mind was blown: is this real? how come she didn‘t know?

Faster than you could say wow she was at your side with her arms around your waist, giving you a famous Mary Fowler hug which was only reserved for you. "What‘re you doing here? Oh my gosh." Her hands cupped your cheeks squeezing them. "I‘m your new team mate" you grinned, feeling more than happy. "And you didn‘t tell me? I don‘t know If I should slap you or kiss you" the striker whined not realizing what she just said. Your cheek burnt red, heart racing as you whispered "i would prefer the last" but Mary didn‘t hear it, already telling you some stories yet still having at least one arm around you.

All day the australian could only smile. she hated it not being around you, that you were in a different time zone than her but now? You‘re here. She was happier than ever.

As training finished the team showered and changed, Mary not leaving her eyes off you. There were so many feelings in her: joy that you were here. Heart racing because you were here. "Let me take you out on a date" Mary said as the both of you left the changing room after saying bye to the girls. "What?"

"A date. You and me. I want to take you out on a real date" she clarified, her fingers lacing with your own. You stopped im your tracks, was she messing with you? You waited so long for this to happen but where was this coming from? "Let me- Let me show you how you deserve to be treated"

"Okay." you answered, not trusting your voice or your heart.

"I‘ll pick you up at 7. Casual clothes" she pressed a quick kiss to your cheeks before running to her car "Ah! Text me your address" she added yelling.

On point at 7, Mary was at your house. Her hands were sweaty, she was nervous. There was no way she would to screw this up. This was maybe the only chance she would get with you. "You look great" the forward said smiling as you exited your home, "thank you, you look awesome" returning the compliment.

The date went on smooth, Mary showered you in compliments and treated you like a queen. She was truly amazing. It was like always when you were together, you laughed, joked around, were affectionate but this was more meaningful on so many levels.

"I had a great time, thank you" you told the girl who you‘d been crushing on since for ever. "Maybe I can take you out again?" she asked nervously, shuffling with her feet as she put a loose strand of hair behind your ear "I‘d like that" your cheeks turned red as well did Mary‘s. She scanned your face, not getting enough of your beauty.

"fuck it"

Her hands grasped your neck, pulling you in for a kiss. She had to bend down to reach your lips due your height difference while your hands rested on her chest. Not wanting the kiss to end, it still came to end as you both smiled so bright against each others lips "i’ve wanted to do that since I saw you the first time in an Australia jersey," she admitted, pecking your lips again, "see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah" you answered, completely dazed.

Your first days in Manchester were not only the start of a new chapter in your football career but also the start of a new chapter with Mary being more than just your best friend.

She was your someone.

—————————

[persephonememes]

* (  THE SEVEN HUSBANDS OF EVELYN HUGO /  SENTENCE PROMPTS

people think that intimacy is about sex. but intimacy is about truth.

never let anyone make you feel ordinary.

i’m under absolutely no obligation to make sense to you.

don't ignore half of me so you can fit me into a box.

don't do that.

it’s always been fascinating to me how things can be simultaneously true and false, how people can be good and bad all in one.

sometimes reality comes crashing down on you.

heartbreak is a loss. divorce is a piece of paper.

when you're given an opportunity to change your life, be ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

the world doesn't give things, you take things.

you have to find a job that makes your heart feel big instead of one that makes it feel small.

please never forget that the sun rises and sets with your smile.

you’re the only thing on this planet worth worshipping.

be wary of men with something to prove.

the cruelest thing you can do to someone you love, give them just enough good to make them stick through a hell of a lot of bad.

you wonder what it must be like to be a man, to be so confident that the final say is yours.

i think you're brilliant.

i think you're tough.

do yourself a favor and learn to grab life by the balls.

don’t be so tied up in trying to do the right thing when the smart thing is so painfully clear.

you can be sorry about something and not regret it

the world respects people who think they should be running it.

if i want things to change, i have to change how i do things. and probably drastically.

people are messy, and love can be ugly.

i’m inclined to always err on the side of compassion.

you can’t tell a single thing about a person’s true character if you both want the same thing.

no one is just a victim or a victor. everyone is somewhere in between.

just go knowing you were loved, that i will never forget you.

you were my best friend.

nobody deserves anything. it's simply a matter of who's willing to go and take it for themselves.

why have i spent so long settling for less when i know damn well the world expects more?

taking pride in your beauty is a damning act.

forgiveness is different from absolution.

sometimes divorce isn’t an earth-shattering loss. sometimes it’s just two people waking up out of a fog.

if there are all different types of soul mates, then you are one of mine.

i am absolutely positive that i need you more than i’ve ever needed another living soul.

i loved you so much that i thought you were the meaning of my life.

i thought that people were put on earth to find other people, and i was put here to find you.

i don't want to be meant for someone like you.

that’s the part i was stuck in, the part where you accept the apology because it’s easier than addressing the root of the problem.

it will be the tragedy of my life that i cannot love you enough to make you mine.

it’s a hard business, reconciling what the truth used to be with what the truth is now.

you're an idealist and a romantic, and you have a beautiful soul.

i wish the world was ready to be the way you see it.

i wish that the rest of the people on earth with us were capable of living up to your expectations. but they aren't.

the world is ugly, and no one wants to give anyone the benefit of the doubt about anything.

i love you too much to let you live only for me.

i’m cynical and i’m bossy, and most people would consider me vaguely immoral.

i spent half my time loving her and the other half hiding how much i loved her.

it shouldn’t be wrong, to love you. how can it be wrong?

i think being yourself—your true, entire self—is always going to feel like you’re swimming upstream.

you could be a nobody living in a cardboard box, and i’d still love you.

i simply didn't care. it cost so much, caring. i didn't have any currency to spend on it.

some marriages aren't really that great. some loves aren't all-encompassing.

the media are going to tell whatever story they want to tell. they always have. they always will.

charisma is charm that inspires devotion.

you’re not really famous if anybody still likes you.

you should know this about the rich: they always want to get richer. it is never boring, getting your hands on more money.

the truth is, praise is just like an addiction. the more you get it, the more of it you need just to stay even.

you have to push people’s boundaries and not feel bad about it. no one is going to give you anything if you don’t ask for it.

when you’ve been bested, sometimes it’s good to recognize it and move on.

no one goes around throwing caution to the wind unless the wind is blowing their way.

the easiest lie to tell is one you know the other person desperately wants to be true.

pictures speak very loudly. in general, we can almost never shake what we see with our eyes.

we all can’t go around treating people like dog shit and then expecting that a simple i’m sorry erases it.

guilt is a feeling i’ve never made much peace with. i find that when it rears its head, it brings an army.

when i feel guilty for one thing, i start to see all the other things i should feel guilty for.

accepting that something is true isn't the same as thinking that it is just.

[qiqi-media]

How I feel about Mal Bertha and her character PART 1

 This is not a Mal bertha Biography and it is biased in the sense that I don’t like her at all. Read with caution.

Descendants 2 was actually the first movie of the trilogy that I had watched. My little sister was watching it and I happened to be passing by and sat to watch it with her when it caught my eye. 2017 me had a completely different opinion of Mal bertha than today not because I was younger but simply because D3 hadn’t come out yet and I hadn’t watched the first movie or even knew there was books. I can’t stand Mal bertha, not even the D1 version of her and that’s the one even Mal antis love. I didn’t like her in the first movie but it was more of a “I wouldn’t be friends with her.” I didn’t think that she was unforgiveable and that it was impossible to give her a second chance. She made her own bad choices but she expressed genuine regret for them and was only 16. Despite me, loathing Mal’s existence I related to her in sense that it’s scary wanting to change but you don’t know whether or not your actions have caused too much damage. 

In D2 watching it as a stand alone I saw a girl wanting something other than the ‘happily ever after’ and deciding she would go for what would make her happy when she went back to isle. I was desperately hoping that after the ‘It’s going down’ scene that she would go back to the isle and not choose to stay somewhere she wanted to leave. But we know how that went and the ending left me bitter and sad not for her, but for Uma. She began to leave a bitter taste in my mouth when she broke up with Ben and came back and just expected him to get back together with her. I’m going to go around every version of her character.

PRE D1

She was a dick. That’s the simplest way I can put it. I don’t like even acknowledging pre d1 Mal because it leaves me with this very negative view of her character that I don’t think was necessary. I feel like this is a big fuck up, wanting to have Mal be her ‘evilest’ before coming to Auradon. I understand the reason why they wanted to show her growth and change throughout the series. But after looking at some real life scenarios with a similar Mal situation it made me look at it differently. Imagine this: someone who severely bullied you and harassed you and everyone around getting to go to a new place and get the best treatment there, then she’s congratulated with becoming queen of that land and not only that she then decides she’s going to be queen of the place she was bullying and harassing people at without ever properly apologizing. This happens in real life and these people get exposed which is why I don’t like it. It would be different if Mal actual grew throughout the series but it was real just her gaining more power and the scenery changing from Pre D1-D3. She also continued to make the same type of ‘mistakes’ with no actual direct consequences all she had to do was cry and they forgave her. She would be okay if it Descendants was a stand alone movie. But knowing the type of life she would get to live after all of this behavior puts me off from reading it. It would also be different if Mal lived a simple life in Auradon (Aka not trying to take control by dating the king and then stepping all over said king) She got more than what she deserved to have. In my opinion she did deserve the chance at all better life just like all the other kids who didn’t commit any crimes to be locked up. But in the eyes of people she victimized she wouldn’t deserve to be Queen become royalty, live in castles and get gifted with limos and bikes. 

D1

 D1 is the version of Mal everyone generally likes however, like I stated before I didn’t like her even then. At the start we see someone who is clearly trying to please her mother so if her mother wants bad behavior she gives her that. Throughout the main plot she did things of her own accord that she can’t use her mom as an excuse for. There’s a couple different things but a lot of them had to do with Ben and I’m making a whole post on how Ben was treated like shit throughout the franchise so that will be addressed then and not in this post. However for a reference she drugged him with a spelled cookie into falling in love with her for the wand. He wasn’t even willing to eat the cookie at first but she guilt tripped him into eating it. We could brush this off as her doing whatever she needed to do to get to the crown but to me she took advantage of the situation by actually going on dates with him. He was already spelled and willing to listen to whatever she wanted so besides for her own personal interest why would she go on the dates? (Granted a 16 year old wanting to get cute and have a nice date with a nice boy is not a fault or wrong in any way the fault here is all of this was happening when Ben was not in his right state of mind until the spell washed off.) Her taking advantage of Jane’s insecurities was not cool either and I’m interested in what ways she would’ve tried to use Jane if it was easier to get to the wand through her. Since her main crime in my opinion was Ben and since he’ll have his own essay post I’ll focus on Audrey here.

Her disrespect to Audrey

It was unnecessary, she had no reason to have had Audrey’s name in her mouth as much as she did D1. It would make more sense for Mal to like Audrey’s sassy boldness to me not shit talk her every chance she got. At the start they had a small passive aggressive conversation that could’ve just been left at that because technically they burred the hatchet between the two families. It was a “hey I don’t fuck with you, you don’t fuck with me” type of a situation that could’ve grown civil. However, throughout the movie in comparison to Audrey who really just had a problem with Mal’s mother until she spelled ben then it became direct problems with each other. Mal was continuously talking shit about Audrey as if Audrey was the one who fucked with her family. This time her upbringing can be referenced, on the Isle she most likely was allowed to openly hate things and Audrey was most likely raised to at least pretend to be polite. But from the Audrey we’ve seen she clearly doesn’t care about holding her tongue she’s straightforward with how she feels and she didn’t have a problem with Mal she had a problem with her mother. The only time she talked about Mal directly was about the hair spells which she ended up being right about (Mal’s addictive reliance on magic in D2 and Jane at the end of D1).  After completely ignoring Audrey’s feelings and literally stole her boyfriend (not even on the the you can’t steal a loyal man type of shit she literally stole him he wasn’t even allowed to consent to it.) She later in Audrey’s Diary multiple times tries to reason this with she never meant to directly hurt Audrey and that she didn’t really want Ben she just wanted the wand etc etc. The evidence doesn’t back this up Mal, you’ve made your disdain for Audrey clear and talked shit about her to Evie right after you spelled Ben the did I mention bs claiming “Chad will see her horrible personally” as if you knew her personally and that Chad didn’t grow up with her. Mal can say she didn’t mean to hurt Audrey but she clearly didn’t mind that she did.

 I’m going to make a whole separate on Audrey and how I do think she gets a lot of slack because people can relate to her, but also how her treatment in comparison to Mal’s is unfair. 

 I did think she deserved a chance to show remorse for her behavior (spoiler: she didnt) Again, I like to look at things from the pov of other characters for things like this. If I was an Auradon kid who was friends with Mal and ended up finding out she was using me and plotting to take over and destroy the place I lived with/for her mother but changed her mind last minute. I would see her as forgivable I just wouldn’t want her around me. In other words I would expect her to start her own new life, not continue trying to live the one where she was plotting without even actually apologizing to people. AU: After descendants instead of continuing to date Ben she breaks it off and goes to an Art school frequently coming back to visit Auradon and after high school she goes on a quest (with the C4 of course) exploring all kinds of different kingdoms and countries because she was locked up on the isle her whole life. In the future she possibly returns to Auardon and even could get back together with Ben with a proper start.

D2

The first Descendants Movie I ever saw so it holds a special place with me and I actually rooted for Mal the first time I watched it. I sat in to watch at the argument scene and knowing all of the plots now and after rewatching  it my opinion has change greatly. We see a blonde and very stressed Mal who’s dealing with the pressures of becoming a royal in order to secure her place with Ben. I do feel bad for Mal when she was talking to Evie, she was trying to reach out to her friend about her situation and was basically told to stop talking about it. I understand Evie’s feelings of wanting to leave the past behind but I can also understand Mal feeling like she’s cornered and can’t even talk to her best friend. I can also understand her feelings of ending up overwhelmed with her decisions from going to somebody who did whatever whenever to becoming a royal with duties I get the pressure. If Mal decided that wasn’t the life she wanted to live and went back to the isle where she felt more comfortable I don’t see anything wrong with that. She wasn’t required to stay in Auradon if she felt like she was unhappy there. That says a little something about Auradon to me if somebody would rather live where they ate rotten food than live there.  My sympathy for Mal stops there because everything else was a result of her own actions and things she brought onto herself.

1. The royal situation

Let’s get one thing clear nobody was forcing Mal to hand sign up for the prime and proper royal life. She did that herself.

Nobody told her that she had to dye her hair blonde and have a complete wardrobe change, she did.

Nobody said she even had to continue the terrible relationship she had with Ben and go straight into being a royal in order to basically become Ben’s wifey, she did.

She’s saying all of these people are expecting things of her when 6 months ago she was stealing candy from babies when she was the one who let people have these expectations. She decided to take up the role herself because that was what she wanted. Let’s be honest with how it happened Mal would not live in Auradon if she had to be a regular citizen she wanted to be in control of everybody and to have power because that how she always lived. However once she realized that nobody was just about to hand her this power just for being with Ben unlike with her Mom  (getting to rule the isle just because she was her daughter and not because she actually worked her way up there) and that she actually had duties and work to fulfill if she wanted to be the boss. She let her pride get in the way by feeling she had to prove she could last with Ben and become an Auradon girl and ended up miserable and blaming Ben for  something she decided to do herself.

She then had the responsibility to fulfill all of those duties and she was struggling unlike anybody else who would’ve had to abide by the “don’t use magic” quote on quote rule she decided to use Magic after claiming she’d give it up and was still a hot ass mess. She can’t even use the excuse that was to help her with her lady in training because she was using it to not be late to class and later to try and manipulate Ben.  @ishiphumasohard made a good response on why it was unfair for Mal to use magic as her ‘right’ because at what point would it be unfair to other kids? While all the other kids have to show up on time to school Mal gets to use magic to turn back time instead of just being on time. If other kids studied all night for a test Mal can use a speed reading spell. If there was a cooking contest Mal can spell her way into a feast while the others would have to the actual labor. You get the point, because magic is not universally used by everyone in Auradon and it’s an unspoken rule that it’s not to be used then she should have followed this rule.

I will say the girl was stressed and was feeling alone, I already gave my sympathies for that.

The magic situation really hit the fan when she felt comfortable enough to spell the boyfriend who had already put enough trust in her to continue their relationship that started with her drugging him for her own benefit. Compared to her Ben did seem to be taking it easy but maybe like her, he didn’t want to show it. It seems Ben and Mal had a sort of pack to work hard together to become ‘the king and queen’ of Auradon they were supposed to be in it together. In my opinion it would make more sense for Ben to be hiding things from Mal than the other way around due to the nature of their shitty relationship. But that’s just not how it went down and after Mal tries to spell Ben into not finding her spellbook he gets RIGHTFULLY ANGRY. That entire scene was her fault, she could’ve explained herself and why she was using magic and that she was having a hard time but she once again decides to take advantage of Ben’s trust. Then proceeds to make sure she ends the  fight with her being the victim. So much so that the entire fact that she spelled Ben was never brought up again.

Going back to the isle 

She then decides to go back to the isle, if this was really her decision I wouldn’t mind it. There’s nothing wrong with her liking the isle better than Auradon if that’s where she felt at home. The problem was she was clearly emotional and let’s be honest, if she had called all of her friends together and actually broke up with Ben and told them this was her decision to go back to the isle before leaving they MIGHT (hard might) not have ran after her like they did. Not only that the duties that we were speaking of earlier, she didn’t formally pull out of anything which is why it irked me when she was so irritated that they came back for her.

Some people actually didn’t like her attitude as soon as she got back on the isle because she expected to run it. That wasn’t surprising to me honestly, because for her whole life that’s how it was, only person she was scared of was her mother. She quickly realized however now that her mom isn’t around and in lizard form nobody was scared of her. Most unrealistic part of D2 was how Mal didn’t get jumped as soon as people realized she got back. Like I said Isle Mal was a straight dickhead and had too many enemies to be walking around like she was. 

Another point was when she got her hair dyed by dizzy, the shop wasn’t open, she saw this, ignored it and went in anyway. Not even because her and Dizzy were tight like that she just expected her to do what she wanted (get the pattern with Mal here?)

 Skipping her scene with harry because it did nothing to the plot.

The rest of the C4 and Ben come to get Mal back as expected and she acts all surprised and angry. Ben apologizes to her and instead of apologizing for what she did and then explaining that she doesn’t want to go back to Auradon and be a lady of the court. She continues the narrative that Ben wanted her to change and that she’s not good for Auradon so she’s going to stay on the isle. What’s the difference between the two? The first one is her taking responsibility of her actions and deciding for herself that that’s not the life she wants. While the other is acknowledging none of the blame and deciding to run away not because that’s not what she really wants but because everyone will turn on her so she has to run first. It painted a narrative that nothing of this was her own doing while at the same time making it seem like she is doing the right thing by backing away which in hindsight probably was the better decision. Mal’s feelings weren’t the problem I understand them, she thinks she won’t be accepted as herself so she wants to leave before they can kick her out but that’s not what caused her to leave and she knows it. You got caught doing something shitty and instead of apologizing you ran away.

After Ben gets kidnapped she lectures the C4, again she does have some blame in this. With the way the fight ended it made it look like Ben was in the wrong so he was going to try and apologize regardless if they brought him or not. The rest of them came to keep him safe and as her gang members come back for her. Was this not something she considered after she calmed herself down? Ben honestly had no reason to be directly on the isle unprotected besides to sneak and apologize to you so are you really going to just blame the C4 for bringing him there and getting him captured?

Then when Uma, who has him captured plans a meeting she antagonizes her like that’s what is best for Ben at the time. Even in the mist of Ben being in danger she thought it was a good idea to try and piss off the person holding him captive. If you don’t remember what she did she called her shrimpy, insulted the smell of the restaurant and said she never thought of Uma while implying that Uma always had her on her mind for no reason. None of that was necessary to ask what Uma’s conditions were to give Ben back she just couldn’t help herself. 

She didn’t care about Dizzy

Who had just performed a task for her and right after she paid her got robbed and had the place trashed just for Mal to say she’ll be alright. This should’ve been foreshadowing at the very least that she wasn’t ready to be making decisions for other people’s lives because besides her own and her friends she didn’t care for many especially those on the isle.

It’s going down

Even though it was in the song and not directly her words again antagonizing the person who has Ben held captive and threatening his life, insulting them is stupid. This entire scene is messy and they shouldn’t even had been able to win a fight against pirates outnumbered. When has Mal ever picked up a sword???

Car ride Back

She gets mad when Ben has sympathy/ shows understanding for Uma. She somehow realizes that it’s wrong Uma kidnapped him but was comfortable spelling him without a second thought. In my opinion she thought she had some type of ownership over Ben she could do what she wanted to him and if somebody else did it was wrong. (Even though this can be applied to what she did in D1, I’m only talking about D2 because most people agree she showed regret for her actions in D1) When he calls her out on her hypocrisy she goes mute and does that thing, of letting her mouth hang opened whenever she gets called out on her shit.

END OF PART 1

I was going to make this one long post but I’ve been putting this off long enough so here is part 1, no idea when part 2 will be up. I do hope to have the Ben posts up before that.

[banditnoo]

My Castle of Ships {1/2} - Merlin One Shot

Summary |  {A strange phenomenon had occurred when Arthur had been born by magic. He now had the ability to read minds. Nobody knew of his gifts. Arthur knew from a young age that sorcery was not welcomed in Camelot. With fears that his own father would banish or harm him, he kept his piece of magic to himself. A piece of magic that had become much less of a burden after he had been crowned king, and for moments like these; While he was bored and Merlin daydreamed.}

Tags | {Merthur, Magic Arthur AU, mind reader AU, Major Character Death}

Warnings | {Like one swear word? Angsty, but not as gut wrenching as 5x13}

a/n | {I’ve finally worked up the courage to post some of my writing on Tumblr! This has been cross posted to AO3 (Legendary_Julia) and Wattpad (GreaserGal19). Maybe one day I’ll get my usernames in order, but today is not that day. Part 2 will come out... at some point. This was suppose to be a stand alone story, but our boys deserve better. Thanks for checking me out, happy reading!} 

~~~

{A strange phenomenon had occurred when Arthur had been born by magic. He now had the ability to read minds. Nobody knew of his gifts. Arthur knew from a young age that sorcery was not welcomed in Camelot. With fears that his own father would banish or harm him, he kept his piece of magic to himself. A piece of magic that had become much less of a burden after he had been crowned king, and for moments like these; While he was bored and Merlin daydreamed.}

~~~

Merlin was a daydreamer, he always had been. He'd often find himself thinking of Ealdor while he puttered about Arthur's chambers. Sometimes he would imagine what it would be like to rule his own kingdom, to make his own rules. While he scrubbed away at Arthur's hunting boots, he built his own castle. The citadel would be magnificent. The walls would stand tall, glittering with a hint of magic. Beautiful tapestries would hang from every wall, depicting anything the passerby's wished. A series of tunnels would wind throughout and underneath the stone walls, eventually connecting to water. Yes, the castle would have to be by the ocean. Merlin smiled to himself as he pictured it. The birds, the sound of waves crashing against the rocky shores, and the ships. Merlin loved the idea of having ships. With a boat like that he could sail anywhere, do anything. That's what it could be, his castle of ships.

Arthur had to smile at the name. He too pictured the castle from his spot at his desk. He could only imagine the beauty of a kingdom Merlin could build with his magic. The Castle of Ships.

"Has a nice ring to it," Arthur muttered to himself, to caught up in the image to realize he had said anything aloud.

"What was that?"

"Hmm?"

"You said something."

"No, I did not."

"Yes, yo-"

"You're hearing things Merlin, go back to whatever it is you where doing. Maybe scrub a different spot before you muck up my good boots."

Arthur stood up abruptly, leaving a confused Merlin watch him briskly walk out of his chambers.

"He really has gone mad." Merlin muttered as he began to clean the other boot.

~~~

Merlin knew someone was listening. He's felt the presence in the castle for a long time, but could never quite pinpoint it. He had tried to call out many times. Perhaps there was a Druid somewhere within Camelot trying to communicate, or an evil doer with a presence too strong to ignore. But there was never an answer. He was always left alone with his thoughts, which he was slowing getting scared to think.

When the presence felt strong, Merlin would busy his mind with his daydreams. He would think of home, or add details to his imaginary kingdom.

He did his best daydreaming during round table meetings. The presence would always be strong in the throne room, the magic almost danced through the air. It was here that he added the finer details of his castle.

He constructed a grand portrait hall as Leon droned on about the months finances. The long room would have the most brilliant red carpet, lined with an intricate gold and black pattern. He could almost feel himself walking through the grand hallway as he leaned against the cold stone of the throne room walls. As he imagined himself walking along, he thought about whos portraits he would put on display. He would have his mother, of course, and Gwen, his first friend in Camelot. He could picture the cocky smirk on Gwaine's portrait and the valiant yet understanding look on Lancelot's. His eyes scanned around the round table, imagining all of his friends in their best Camelot red, striking wild poses for the artist. They eventually landed on Arthur, whose head was resting lazily against his hand, trying his best to listen to Leon. Merlin hummed to himself, placing Arthur's portrait at the end of the hallway. It would be the only place fit for his king.

He had heard once of a spell that made the portraits move within their frames, adopting the personality of its subject. He studied Arthur's face as he thought, committing every detail to memory. The way his golden hair fell across his forehead in soft wisps, and how his nose came to a gentle point, complimenting the rest of his face. His favourite feature of Arthur's has always been his eyes. A piercing blue that found him in any room they were in.

They were the same blue eyes that were staring at him now, Merlin realized, staring back, not daring to look away now. Their shared a million words with just a look, a conversation no one else would hear.

Are you as bored as I am?

When is dinner?

When will Leon stop talking?

How's the castle of ships coming?

Merlin's heart dropped. He was imagining things, right? He had to be. They weren't really talking to each other, after all. It was all in his head, somewhere Arthur most definitely was not. He was quickly becoming aware of the overwhelming sense of magic flowing through the room.

I know you're in my head. Make yourself known. I don't know what you want, but you won't be getting it.

Arthur was taken aback by the threatening tone in Merlin's voice. He hadn't realized that Merlin could sense the presence of his magic, or that he was so threatened by it. His eyes dropped quickly, looking at everything but Merlin in the corner of the room.

"Is everything alright, Sire? You looked concerned." Leon's address took Arthur by surprise. Sitting up as fast and as straight as possible, he voided his face of any emotion as he shook his head.

"Yes, yes. Everything is fine. We must ensure that patrol around the citadel continues. I've caught wind of a potential threat. A sorcerer."

"Are you sure, sire? I haven't heard of such a thing."

"Certain. I trust my sources," with a final glance at Merlin, he nodded at Leon, urging him to continue with the meeting.  

~~~

Arthur's eyes followed Merlin around his chambers. He could hear his thoughts going a mile a minute as he absentmindedly straightened the pillows on the bed.

"There is something on your mind," Arthur said, not moving his head from where it rested in the crook of his elbow, all but laying on the table.

"What makes you say that?"

"I can see it in your eyes." Their eyes connected from across the room, but Merlin looked away quickly, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again,

"Something is troubling you, and I want you to tell me. Please, Merlin, there is no need to lie."

Merlin was fighting with himself, and Arthur didn't need to be a mind reader to see it. They stayed like this, Arthur looking at Merlin and Merlin looking at the floor. They both felt the heavy magic in the room, but neither acknowledged it.

"Have you ever missed a place you've never been? A place that never really was?"

"I never took you for a philosopher, Merlin," Arthur couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face, or the fondness in his eyes, "if this is about your mother, I've told you. She is more than welcome here. I know how much you think of her."

"No, it's- that's not quite it."

'Not thinking of running away, are we?" Arthur's smile grew bigger as he spoke. He knew that's what it was, Merlin had been thinking about it for weeks. He wasn't worried, though. He knew Merlin would never leave without a goodbye, and a chance to convince him to stay. The guilty look in Merlin's eyes confirmed what Arthur already knew.

"I would never! Who would deal with your royal ass everyday if I left?"

"It's a simple fix, really. I would just have to come with you. Make sure you don't get yourself killed."

"Arthur Pendragon on the road? I don't believe it for a minute." Merlin smiled as he spoke. He imagined the two of them running away, into the castle of ships.

Many sleepless nights had allowed Merlin countless hours to add onto the castle. In the late hours of the night, he added gardens and ballrooms, imagined the wind on his face as he held tightly to the mast of a massive wooden ship. Those same nights, Arthur would lay awake in his own chambers, halfway across the castle, and imagine the beauty for himself as he listened to Merlin describe his castle grounds in a way that a child listens to his mother read a bedtime story.

"I am perfectly capable, thank you," Arthur rose form his spot at the table, making his way over to the bed and trying his best not to sound too amused, " and put some wood on the fire, would you? We've got an early morning tomorrow. We're travelling to Annis' land. She wishes to discuss the safety of both our borders villages."

"Is there a reason I was not told of this sooner?"

"It's simply business, Merlin. There's no need to worry. Get some sleep, you'll need it for the journey."

"I have a bad feeling about this," Merlin muttered as he left, shutting the door tightly.

"I heard that!"

"Go to sleep!"

~~~

The knights laughed loudly as their horses carried them down the well-beaten trail. An agreement was reached between Arthur and Annis about the protection of the border villages, making it much safer for villagers in each kingdom to travel through the border forests.

"Smile, Merlin! We're celebrating!" Gwaine gave Merlin's should a rough pat as his horse rode up alongside Merlin's. He held out a water skin, no doubt filled with ale, and gestured it towards Merlin.

"You're always celebrating, Gwaine." He took a long sip before handing back to Gwaine, nodding his thanks. He would need a drink if he was going to deal with the knights for the ride back to Camelot.

Merlin turned to his daydreams as their journey back continued. He was picturing a beautiful courtyard, lush with apple trees and all kinds of flowers, when his magic started to tingle. He hardly noticed it at first, brushing it off as the change in the wind, but the feeling kept growing stronger.

Someone was watching them.

They were just leaving Caerleon's borders through a valley, the perfect place for an ambush. Merlin looked around, uneasy. His body tensed at every little sound as the forest came into view. He was fighting with himself. If he told Arthur, would he believe him? What if it really was nothing? No, his magic wouldn't deceive him like that. He looked at Arthur, who was riding a short distance in front of him.

Merlin didn't even have to call his name for Arthur to turn around. As soon as their eyes met, a look of concern filled his face. His hand came up, signaling the group to stop. He looked toward the tree line, signaling for his men to do the same. Much to Arthur's horror, it was deathly quiet. The birds stopped chirping and the wind seemed to stop howling. The air around them was still as the group looked around.

"Did you hear something, sire?"

"No. That's exactly the issue."

"If we are quick, we can make it to the trees. Find safety in the forest."

Despite Leon's suggestion, nobody moved a muscle.

They continued looking towards the trees, before Merlin gave Arthur a hard nudge. Getting ready to tell him off, Arthur turned quickly on his horse before following his line of sight. Standing atop the rocky hills on either side of the valley were dozens of men wearing loose black and brown clothing, swords and bows drawn, pointed at the much smaller group of knights.

"AMBUSH!"

The horses started going crazy, whinnying and thrashing in an attempt to throw off the knights. Swords were drawn as the bandits began to yell, running down the hills at all angles. They were outnumbered, far too outnumbered to stand a chance against even the weakest opponents. Arthur unsheathed his sword, trying to regain control of his horse.

"Head for the trees!"

Picking off only the first attackers, it was a race between time, the bandits, and making it to the cover of the woods. Taking a sword from one of the bandits bodies, Merlin was quick to follow Arthur. With his heart pounding in his ears, he could no longer hear the commotion of the fight. He could only hope he was losing them.

~~~

Merlin's head was spinning as he stumbled through the thick underbrush of the forest. He had lost his horse when he lost sight of Arthur. He dragged his stolen sword loosely behind him as he tried to ignore the searing pain in his shoulder. The bandits had been quicker than he thought, and had much better aim than what he'd like to give them credit for. He had barely cleared the trees when the arrow struck his shoulder, no doubt coated in a poison that his mind was too foggy to identify.

Things had gone downhill very quickly after that. The sun had set what Merlin could only guess was hours ago. The forest was so dark he could hardly tell which way was up. He was ready to give up finding the others. He had wandered for hours, they could've been halfway back to Camelot by now.

Merlin had stopped for a moment, leaving heavily against a tree to try to catch his breath, weighing his options as he grimaced at the pain shooting through his arm. He stayed there for a few minutes, waiting, listening to the forest. He heard the magic in the forest as it flowed through every tree, every leaf. There were owls in the distance, and the sound of insects flying by. And footsteps? Although the sword was in his good hand, Merlin was weak as he swung blindly behind him. Hearing the dull thud of metal on metal, and a familiar grunt, Merlin dared to turn around.

"It's a good thing you've got sticks for arms," Arthur huffed out a weak laugh as he took the sword from Merlin.

When Arthur pulled him into a hug, Merlin was ready to defend himself, but he was to tired too do anything but lean into the cool metal of Arthur's chainmail. A gentle 'hmff' was all he could manage.

Arthur took Merlin by the shoulders and held him at arms length, giving him a once over. It was hard to see in the dark, but he could see the blood that coated Merlin left shoulder and arm, and now his own hand.

"I would never leave you behind! How could you think that?" Arthur sounded heartbroken as he gripped onto Merlin's good arm tightly.

"I didn't- how-"

"You didn't need to say it out loud for me to hear you."

Confusion was evident in Merlin's eyes as he scanned Arthur's face, looking for any trace of a joke, but he found nothing.

"It's you, isn't it? That presence, that magic... It's you?"

"It always has been."

The magic danced between them, like it had a thousand times before, but there was no fear behind it, not this time.

"You're hurt."

"I noticed."

Merlin leaned into Arthur's arm, trying to stay steady.

"Can you walk? Let me take you to the others. We've set up a camp, we'll be safer there."

"Only if you carry me. Like a damsel in distress."

"Absolutely not," Arthur scoffed as he picked Merlin up bridal style, slinging his good arm around the back of his neck, making sure not to move him too much.

"Hey! I was kidding, you prat! Put me down!"

"Would you rather I drag you? Quit your complaining. If your swing at me was any indication of your strength, you wouldn't have made it another step." Arthur tried to hide the growing concern in his voice. He looked down at Merlin's face, which was now rested against his shoulder, and he could tell it wasn't good. He only now got a good look at what had happened, and his heart sunk. He had had knights that couldn't recover from a wound like that, where the arrow was haphazardly ripped out in an attempt to get rid of the poison it was laced with.

"Merlin?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me about the castle. The castle of ships. I'm sure there's parts that I've missed. I can't be in your head all the time."

Merlin smiled, closing his eyes as he shook his head against Arthur's shoulder,

"It's a stupid idea."

"It can't be that stupid, you put a lot of thought into it. Have you ever thought of becoming a storyteller?"

The laugh that came out of Merlin was short and hoarse, but Arthur needed him to keep talking. They were still a long walk away from the camp, and Arthur was willing to do anything to get Merlin there alive.

"I didn't realize I had such a way with words."

"Please?"

"What would you like to hear about, my lord."

"I won't hesitate to drop you."

Merlin let out another laugh, much rougher than the last one, that quickly turned into a fit of heavy, wet coughing. Arthur continued to walk, the only sound being his boots hitting the ground for a long time before Merlin began to speak.

"The grand hall, it would stand alone from the rest of the castle. It would have a long, stone pathway for guests to walk along as they gathered for feasts and balls. It would be lined with rose bushed and allium flowers, the dark purple ones."

There was another coughing fit before he continued, "the double doors, they would be engraved. With dragons, fairies, things of magic. Did you know your shoulder isn't very comfortable?"

"I wouldn't imagine, with it being covered in armor and all. Tell me about the boats. They are my favourite part."

"What about them? I've never seen a ship, only the pictures in Gaius' books. They're fascinating, aren't they?"

He could hardly finish his sentence before he started coughing again. It shook through his whole body, making him ache.

"Come on, Merlin. Keep talking. Give me something, a thought, anything. It's not long until we'll be back with the knights. Elyan will fix you right up. Good as new, right?"

Merlin gave a weak smile, "good 's new..."

"Why do you find ships so interesting? They are just big, fancy boats."

Arthur could hear Merlin's thoughts, still going a mile a minute despite him thinking almost nothing at all.

" 's exactly it. They're big, they're fancy."

"Is there a spell for that? Could you create one?"

"A spell for what?"

"Building things. Constructing this castle, making ships."

"I'm sure I could figure it out."

Merlin shifted in Arthurs arms, trying to make himself more comfortable before hissing out in pain and trying to reach for his shoulder.

"Are you trying  to bleed out? Quit moving!"

Arthur's words came out harsher that he intended, though there was sadness in his voice. Merlin continued to wiggle until Arthur dropped his legs. Keeping one hand around Merlin's waist, he used his other hand to keep a firm pressure on his shoulder. Against Merlin's protest and Arthur's better judgment, they continued walking through the dark.

"We're not going to make it in time." Merlin was leaning heavily into Arthur's side, barely keeping his footing at he stumbled over another tree root.

"We're going to make it. You're not going dying on me now Merlin. That's an order."

"When have I ever listened to those?"

Merlin stopped walking, forcing Arthur to stop next to him. Letting himself fall to his knees, he landed with a small 'thump' on the cold ground, the blanket of pine needles and leaves welcomed him. Arthur lowered himself after him, keeping one hand at Merlin's side, his other hand reached out to rest against Merlin's cheek, keeping his head steady as he closed his eyes.

"Keep your eyes open Merlin. Come on, looks at me. Say something."

"Remember my story, won't you? You've heard me tell it a thousand times. Built that castle of ships. For me?"

"I won't build it unless your there to see it. Open your eyes, Merlin, please." Arthur felt hot tears roll down his face as he looked at Merlin. His friend, his best friend, his only friend, was going to die.

Merlin opened his eyes slowly, only getting them halfway opened before they became to heavy to move. Arthur moved the hand on Merlin's waist to his back, gently pulling him into another hug. They sat like this, in silence for a long time, Arthur not daring to pull away.

Arthur started to hum a gentle tune in a last ditch effort to break the silence, not trusting his own voice to not break if he spoke. It was a tune he had caught Merlin humming hundreds of times. It reminded him of the warmth of the castle, how comfortable he was when he watched Merlin go about his duties from his spot at his desk, listening to the story of a magnificent castle being built and the mighty ships that gave it it's name. It reminded him of all the times he had to stop himself from revealing his piece of magic to Merlin, to tell him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't hated.

The quiet song came to an end and Arthur stopped, listening to the sounds of the forest and hoping to hear a voice amongst the gentle rustle of trees, but he heard nothing. There wasn't a cough, nor a cry or a snarky remark, not even a thought. It was quiet, deafeningly so as Arthur began to cry. Long, ugly sobs were the only sound as he pulled Merlin closer to him, begging, pleading for him to move, get up, say something, kick him, yell at him, anything.

But alas, there was nothing. Only silence as Arthur continued to cry. He cried for the loss of his friend, his dearest friend. He cried for the loss of the kingdom they never got to create with each other.

He cried, sobbed, begged, and bargained. But that too, only ended in silence.

[traincat]

I know the comic piracy debate is a never-ending cycle, but in India where I live, you can't get western comics (or manga for that matter). There aren't comic book stores. Sometimes on Amazon you can find collected editions worth more than INR 1000 at least, for the paperbacks. Most older collections, even from the early 2000s, will be upwards of INR 6000. And sure, it's because the exchange value is so low for Indian rupees, but that's still a LOT of money to Indian citizens. You can get digital editions of random odd issues for approx. INR 150, so that's there. But overall it's really a huge investment to buy a physical comic. So yes, I pirate. But I get so guilty when this debate rolls around, every time. I just don't see any other alternative.

I debated whether or not to answer this considering I haven't really addressed the comics piracy issue before so I'm not sure I'm the right account to talk about it, and also because my askbox is not a confessional and I am not a priest, but then some Spider-Man news broke that I feels ties into it this so whatever, we're going for it. The comics piracy debate comes up every couple of months and will probably continue to come up every couple of months until forever and all of these points have been stated before by others because nothing in this debate is new. First things first, you shouldn't feel guilty. I'm going to suggest actually that nobody should feel guilty, unless you are like, a millionaire and you're exclusively pirating indie books. The prices you're quoting are prohibitively expensive but I have some unfortunate news for everyone involved: the prices are really bad in the US, too. If you want good collected editions, especially in hardcover, they're going to run at similar if not quite equal prices. Comics have gone from a cheap hobby to an overwhelmingly expensive hobby.

This is a good article comparing to the cover costs of American comics since the 1960s adjusted for inflation which I think puts some things in perspective. Comics currently cost roughly $5 USD per issue, which doesn't sound that bad, even though most of my monthly streaming services are roughly that price for a whole month's access to a library of content. But it only doesn't sound that bad if you're not buying special issues (the Marvel Pride book retailed for $10), and if you're only reading one or two books a month. The problem is, American superhero comics are specifically designed so you're not reading just one or two books per month -- this is why we have events! And crossovers! Not for the story potential but because it forces the consumer to purchase more product. This is why there's constantly an event running with a checklist of tie-in issues in the back. So now you're spending probably at least $20 a month. If you're a fan with a lot of interest in different titles, and in different publishers, this can easily hit triple USD digits. It's a money pit. It's not affordable to most people. And this is where that new Spider-Man news comes in, because it was announced today that Amazing Spider-Man is going back to a thrice monthly schedule like it used to operate on during Brand New Day. Which sounds good at first -- more comics, yay -- until you realize that's probably going to be $15 USD a month for a one title. That's $180 a year for one title, not including annuals or special issues. That's not feasible for a lot of fans -- young fans, poor fans, fans with other financial obligations etc. And most people aren't reading just one title. I don't know how the X-Men fans are currently financing their Krakoa habit and I'm afraid to ask. There are services like Marvel Unlimited, which make things slightly more affordable, but I imagine the wait for newer issues to hit the service can be alienating for some fans who want to join in current discussions, the library has some incredibly massive holes in it which is unacceptable when it's coming from inside the mouse house, and I believe, although I could be wrong, that it is not available in all countries. Comics are no longer an easily accessible hobby, if you're paying for everything you read.

"But the creatives deserve to get paid" is the common argument and yeah, they do, I'm not arguing that point. They should absolutely get paid and they should get well. I'm a writer, I'm a published writer even, and I want to be a published novelist, and I definitely want to get paid, and I'm reserving the right to be a complete hypocrite about this, as I do with everything in my life, but this is where the difference between indie publications and Marvel publications comes in: Marvel is owned by Disney. There is absolutely no excuse for Disney not to pay their creatives. If they are not getting paid fairly, it's not because you pirated a book -- it's because Disney has a vested interest in not paying their creators, as evidenced by Alan Dean Foster's lawsuit claiming that they are withholding royalties from him. Fans pirating these books are not the reason the creatives are not getting paid fairly -- the creatives are not getting paid fairly for the same reason that Disney park employees experience homelessness, and it's because Disney would rather put that money into the pockets of their executives. There is no debate on that subject. It's easier and perhaps more convenient to blame fans for pirating comics rather than putting all of their money into what has been for years now a prohibitively expensive hobby to keep up with, but the fact of the matter is Disney could pay all of their creatives what they're worth without hurting their bottom line and instead chooses not to. That is not on you, as an individual reader. You have no reason to feel guilty about that, no matter what your circumstances are, and you do not have to justify your actions to either me or the House of the Mouse. I'm with you, and Disney ultimately doesn't care. They're making that money up elsewhere and then not distributing it fairly to the people who create the properties their media empire is built off of. But especially if you're buying older books, you should know that your money is not going to the creative team -- once it's out of publication, they're not going to get any of the money you spent on it. The argument then becomes that you should be supporting local comics stores which yes, is true, but also doesn't apply to everyone, like anon who doesn't have access to local comic book stores. And again, this can become prohibitively expensive -- collections are expensive. Older, hard to find collections can be very expensive. Once something is out of print, all bets are off on what it might be selling for. Buying single issues is only affordable if the single issue isn't desirable or sometimes if it's in exceedingly bad condition. For the sake of transparency, I have a fairly big single issue collection because it's my preferred format, but I had the time to bargain hunt, access to local comic book stores and large comic conventions, and I'm very good at sniping eBay auctions. The most I have ever dropped on a single issue was expensive for me -- and still under three digits USD -- and it's for an issue from the '60s that is not in great condition.

The problem with this debate is that it is generally a nuanced issue that always gets boiled down to "piracy bad" in a way that makes a lot of well meaning and well intentioned fans, especially the ones with extenuating circumstances, feel bad. It's not your fault. You shouldn't feel guilty. There are a huge amount of reasons why someone might pirate something that are not bad reasons and do not make you a bad person who is personally withholding money from the creators -- because you're not. I don't publicly tell people where to pirate comics, mostly because I really don't think it's that hard to find out for yourselves especially because several creators involved with Marvel themselves have, I suspect accidentally, posted pages of their work to social media WITH THE BANNER OF A WELL KNOWN COMICS PIRACY SITE STILL IN THE IMAGE please learn how to crop, so maybe my standpoint on the issue wasn't well known, but there it is. I think readers should, if they are able to financially and otherwise, support the creators they like, but that it should be acknowledged that this is a more complicated issue than it's commonly made out to be on Twitter and that the largest part of the blame needs to be put on the companies making these comics inaccessible to many and who refuse to pay their creators fairly, not on individual fans. Don't feel guilty, anon.

[nowplayingblog]

Why the charictarization of Remus Lupin matter so much to me?

A character study of Remus Lupin

Disclaimer: I think every interpretation of every character is valid and should not be torn down (further discussed in this post). The following is a discussion of how I interpret a character, and things that I (me, specifically) don't like to see when I read fic, or even in fanart in many cases, and why.

(Just a friendly reminder that if you don't like someone's interpretation of a character, you can click off the fic, or block their account. It's OK to create a happy space for yourself.)

I'll begin with the reason I decided to make this post.

I've noticed a lot in my many years of being a marauders fan that there is a generally accepted interpretation of Remus, and the way certain people in the Fandom feel about it is that this is the only acceptable interpretation.

Based on my own observations, "Fanon Remus" is:

Negative/pessimistic.

Rough around the edges.

More confident in himself.

Borderline mean to anyone who he isn't friends with.

Usually smokes (cigarettes, weed, or both) and drinks.

Perpetually sad and tragic.

Tends to come off as disinterested in everything.

Fully accepting of being a werewolf and feels there is no separation between himself and his werewolf form.

(To be fair, this list is based on how I view this interpretation of Remus so it's likely bias.)

This interpretation of Remus has seen an increase in popularity with the re-emergence of the popular fanfic All the Young Dudes by MsKingBean89.

Here's the thing - I don't take issue with this version of Remus existing, it's definitely not to my taste (and we'll get into that more later) but it's a valid interpretation of his character.

Where I take issue with this is attitudes surrounding it, and people in the Fandom trying to make me feels as though this is the canon/only interpretation of Remus there can be.

I've been on multiple platforms where fellow Wolfstar/Marauders fans have stated that they hate seeing Remus depicted as:

Shy/timid.

Not as confident in himself and his abilities.

Thankful for his friends for the simple act of being his friends.

Overall softer (both in appearance and personality).

Being kind to most people he meets.

Being physically smaller than the other boys.

Referring to his werewolf state as something that is separate from him.

These people have argued that their interpretation is back by Canon, and writing Remus any other way is out of character - but the truth is that we know very little about Canon Remus (or any of the other Marauders or characters from that era.)

However both interpretations (or rather these two generalized interpretations, as I believe everyone sees every character a little differently) address aspects of what we know about him:

He's a werewolf and he has a complicated relationship with that aspect of himself. You can either interpret it as an internal conflict where he doesn't want people to be hurt by the part of himself that he can't control, or as an external conflict where he sees himself as a threat all the time, because there isn't a definitive line where "Remus" ends and "The Wolf" starts.

When we meet him in Prisoner of Azkaban, he is a warm and inviting, if a bit unorthodox, teacher. We also later learn he was a part of a group of friends who were notorious for playing pranks. Some interpret his unorthodox teaching style and his occasional sassy-ness (seen in flashbacks and in the present plot of the books) as an indication that he was always on board with the pranks - sometimes the mastermind behind some of them - and also that he was a bit rude or mean to anyone who he wasn't friends with. Others interpret his warm and caring personality to be at the core of who he is, and that his friends taught him to be a little mischievous, sarcastic and sassy.

As I've stated several times now, both are valid interpretations. One is no more rooted in Canon than the other. (I tend not to rely on Canon too much regardless, but that another topic for another post.)

But I think the real core of my problem with "Fanon Remus" comes back to a topic that I spend a LOT of time thinking about. So much time, in fact, that I have original stories and fanworks in the works that address this very issue:

The importance placed on the "dominant" or Type A personality.

(For clarity - Type A personality means someone who is achiement-oriented, ambitious, constantly working towards success, while the Type B personality is the more passive, flexible, easy going personality. )

We tend to see dominant, Type A personalities glorified in our society. We like go-getters, leaders. We glorify CEOs, activists, people who lead change.

We see the more submissive, Type B personalities as weak, passive, lacking the strength needed to succeed in this world.

But being passive, submissive, Type B, doesn't make someone weak. You can passively support causes you believe in. All leaders need followers.

I am more of that Type B, submissive, follower personality, and I identify and look up to characters and people who are like me, and are still strong.

I like to see - and want to see - characters who are more passive, less sure of themselves, but they are still strong and do what's right.

Which is why, while valid, I just can't interpret "Fanon Remus" as MY Remus. I can't relate to "Fanon Remus" and that interpretation of him doesn't serve the purpose I need in the kinds of stories I like to write.

And I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way, about a lot of characters.

They way I see Remus, is like this:

He is shy, he's one of those introverts that gets found by his extrovert friends and has no idea how to make friends outside of that.

He is focused on academics - in the Hogwarts world I see this as a way to prove to himself that he deserves to be here. To James and Sirius, their studies (magic or otherwise, depending on the AU) come naturally to them, but Remus works hard for his grades. (In this way he is a Type A personality, but he's not that dominant personality type.)

He loves his friends and unknowingly starts to mimic and adopt some of their traits the longer they are friends, which is how he becomes more sarcastic and mischievous.

He is kind, to the point of being overly apologetic.

He's one of those students that during parent-teacher conferences the teachers say he's "so quiet" and "a joy to have in class".

He's pessimistic in a "if I don't get my hopes up I won't be disappointed" kind of way. He wants to be optimistic but can't really visualize the things he wants as something that could be true. He feels like his wants are silly wishes. However, he's not pessimistic in the way that "nothing good will ever happen to me."

He's open to things turning out a little differently than he had planned.

He's supportive and wise. He gives good advice to his friends.

He has bad self-esteem issues, often falling into negative thoughts along the lines of "nobody actually likes me" "nobody can stand to be around me" "everyone wishes I wasn't here"

Loves doing big, thrilling activities, but needs his time to have quiet, introspective, and calming activities.

A true introvert, while he loves spending time with people, his social energy drains when he's around others, and recharges when he is alone.

So the moral of this post is meant to be - every character in every fandom is going to have lots of different interpretations, and is going to be even more different from person to person. We all see things differently. They may look wildly different from your interpretation, or even from Canon, but that doesn't make them less valid, and they don't deserve to be told that they're wrong.

There is now correct way to see a character - there are only ways that you disagree with.

Expect to see more character studies and interpretations in the future

[binniedeactivated]

𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐟!𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐧. || 🌪💦 (1.5)

[ m.list ]

➦ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 | 𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐟!𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐏𝐎𝐂 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥

➦ 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 | 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐮

➦ 𝐖/𝐂 | 3k

➦  𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒  | 𝐈𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧  𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫,  𝐚𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫  𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭'𝐬  𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.

➦ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 | angst, smut

POC = person of color

yeonjun waited. he was trying to think of different ways he could address the situation but there was no other way he could think of, besides get angry. he didn’t want to get angry especially since what happened last time. he didn’t want myla or even daniel to hear them arguing and he especially didn’t want to wake up logan. but there was no way he was going to leave this situation unaddressed. he needed to say something even if it ruined them. he kisses a sleeping logan on his forehead, tucking him inside his crib and covering him with his fuzzy blanket to ensure warmth. like clockwork as soon as he turned off his light and shut the door behind him he could hear the front door downstairs opening, indicating that leah was home.

and just like always she took her shoes off at the door and went straight upstairs to the bedroom where yeonjun was. she didn’t say a word which always pissed yeonjun off. it didn’t seem like they were married anymore it seemed as though they were roommates and he hated that. especially when it seemed that way in front of the kids. he watched her go to the closet to undress and look for a change of clothes, ignoring the fact that yeonjun was sitting there waiting for her to speak. he was done waiting though. he was just going to take matters into his own hands. “so? is there something you want to tell me?”. he starts. she grabs a pair of sweatpants from her drawer. “what are you talking about yeonjun?”. he threw the condom wrapper to the middle of the bed for her to see. anxiety flooded her veins.”what is that?”. yeonjun shakes his head in disbelief. “don’t play stupid with me. whose condom is that? because it sure as hell isn’t mine”. leah swallows. “it isn’t mine either”. he tilts his head. “then whose is it? daniel’s? because he’s only in the fourth grade and he doesn’t have any money to buy it so stop being a fucking liar and just tell me the truth”.

“I’m telling you the truth. you need to calm down!”.

“don’t tell me what I need to do. you need to do a lot of things. you can start by just telling me that you’re fucking someone else. go ahead I’m a grown man I can take it”.

“oh please. nobody has time for this shit yeonjun. every time I walk in the house you find something new to argue with me about”.

“every time you walk in the house -- you mean every single night after everything is said and done? after I cook dinner, clean, do laundry, put the kids to bed here you come walking in the door like you’ve had the longest day ever I don’t even remember the last time you’ve even told your kids goodnight”.

“you’re the one that suggested I started working again remember? now you’re getting mad at my hours and how hard I work. it’s my job yeonjun”.

“so your job just cancels out you being a mom all together? your job is more important than being around?”.

she ignores him, getting into bed and angrily throwing the blanket over her shoulder while facing the opposite direction. “you know what yeonjun? if this is all we’re going to do then why don’t you just fucking divorce me. you’re obviously not pleased with anything I do”.

“and then what? raise our kids in two separate homes? going to court for custody battles and child support and all that crazy ass mess I’m not doing that. my kids don’t deserve that. we need to communicate”.

“how long have we been communicating yeonjun? it’s been like this for almost a year look where communicating has gotten us. it’s always something new to argue about”.

“because you’re a liar leah.  and you don’t want to admit a damn thing. if you can start comfortably telling me about your feelings then there would be nothing to argue about. do you even want me? be honest”.

she adjusts the blankets over herself, shutting her eyes. “I’m going to sleep yeonjun”.

yeonjun rolls his eyes, flicking the condom wrapper off the bed. “of course you are. whenever I confront you it’s always the perfect time for you to sleep”. she continued to maintain her silence hoping he would be quiet somewhere in between. and eventually he did. she was free to drift off and think about things other than the failing marriage at hand.

adriana holds her index finger to her lips while her class was in a straight line at the door. well, sort of in a straight line. the line looked a little dysfunctional and out of place, which is why she was standing in front of them giving them the silent expression to calm them down. “guys. guys before we go anywhere we need to make sure we’re silent because there are other classes still working. if we’re too loud we might lose our chance to go to the book fair today”. upon hearing that, that threat was enough for the small children to rush and stand perfectly in line putting an imaginary zipper on their lips. while she guided them down the hallway to their music class myla began to dig her hands in her pockets, feeling nothing but space on it’s insides. her heart began to sink and her mind started to race. she could’ve sworn. she could’ve sworn she asked her father for money this morning. she reached her hand into her back pockets to check but felt her ears getting hot when she realized there was nothing in those either. upon the entry way to the music classroom myla approaches adriana with tears rimming her eyes in distress. “ms. A I don’t have my money!”. she pouts with trembling lips. “you mean for the book fair?”. myla nods her head, “I can’t find it I really want to buy books”. adriana grabs the nearby tissues at the door and began softly wiping her face, “don’t worry we’re going to the book fair later on today. I’ll call your dad to see if he can bring in some money for you alright?”. myla thanks her and gives her a small hug hoping that her father could give it to her on time. “hurry to class myla”. adriana encourages, leaving myla scurrying into the music classroom with a closing door.

by the time adriana arrives back inside her classroom she was startled a little at the sound of faint movement. she wasn’t expecting yeonjun to be there looking for her. he seemed quite annoyed with her the other day after the incident so she was kind of nervous to speak to him. all her nerves went away though once she locked eyes with him and he gave her a gentle smile. “hey I forgot to give myla her money this morning for the book fair. I know she’s probably freaking out over it”. adriana smiles a little, “i was just coming in here to call you about it. she was crying and everything. she’s going to be so happy when she finds out”. yeonjun hands her an envelope with cash and adriana takes it hesitantly, yearning to address something before he disappeared. “thank you. I’ll give it back to her once the kids get back from music class. and um-- yeonjun I want to apologize for the other day. with these kids there are new issues arising everyday and i try to relieve the situation as best as possible and for some reason I didn’t think about even calling you”. yeonjun nods. “it’s alright I just get a little anxious when stuff like that happens to them. I just want to be aware. if I came off a little rude I apologize about that”. the warm smile he held at the end of every sentence made adriana blush like she was sixteen again. her eyes were elsewhere when he approached her, lifting her chin up with his hand so he could see her beautiful face clearly. once their lips aligned there was no turning back from it.

with the doors locked and shutters down yeonjun lifts her onto the desk, encasing her in the sloppiest of kisses while her arms clung around his neck in need. it felt normal, the sex between them both became the norm in whatever relationship they established. adriana wasn’t as half as embarrassed as she was the first time. instead she didn’t mind showing just how much she needed and wanted yeonjun in that moment, allowing her hand to fall to the appendage of his jeans and unbuckles them as fast as she possibly could. something in his chest swelled when adriana wrapped her hands around his hardened length and stroked him to full arousal. his hand cupped the underside of her jawline while he kissed her, allowing his tongue to roam the inside of her hot mouth. it was something about hearing yeonjun groan that pooled moisture into her panties. his groans were husky and dark, filled with nothing but lust and need. each time one escaped his throat it was more elongated than the last. the vibrations of his mouth set her body aflutter, she dug her tongue into his mouth in response exchanging saliva and rutting her hips against his leg. his fingers swept along the front of her panties until he stuck his fingers behind the elastic of them, rubbing soft circles into the swollen organ at the apex of her thighs. she began to twitch at his touch, having it been awhile since she got touched by him and was now craving it more than ever before. it took nothing for his fingers to become sticky and slick with her arousal. now she had vibrations of her own meeting his and creating a harmony of moans that only the both of them would be able to comprehend. she twists her hand up and down his length simultaneously pumping him, he felt himself rocking his hips into her hand until he felt her gushing with slick. he wanted more. he gripped her moving wrist and put her movement to a halt, whispering in between kisses. “wait a minute. let me fill you”.

his voice was soft and sincere, he maintained his mindless kisses while he reached up her skirt and dragged her panties down her thighs and finally over her ankles onto the floor beneath them. he aligned himself with her hole, teasing the head of it along her sticky folds before he actually pushes himself in, sending a sharp whine sputtering from adriana’s throat. yeonjun closes his eyes swiftly at the warm feeling of her channel clenching around his length. he too, held his mouth open with chuffs of air escaping it. their eyes were fixated on each other’s refusing to let this moment of conjoining go to waste. staring into his eyes while he was pumping himself inside of her was like another way of appreciating him and assuring him that it all felt too good for her to handle, especially since she could barely get a sound out without becoming winded at the feeling. and staring into hers was like appreciating art in it’s purest form. her gorgeous face stunned and her arousal setting a fire ablaze in his belly. he curls his fingers over the edge of the desk for support, rocking his hips inside of her while her legs were wrapped around his waist. her lips were moving against his neck but they weren’t doing much since every time he moved she’d gasp and whine. he hastened his pace and it satisfied yeonjun really, to hear her cursing softly with her head swarmed in pleasure because of him. the more he drove into her the faster the knick knacks and objects on the desk rattled against one another, adding to the sinful sounds adriana was already making beneath him. the symphony of noises spurred him on wards, making him wanting to hear more of them.

he plunges deeper, without a care in the world for who could possibly hear. he hoped anyone nearby had enough noises going on in one ear to where they couldn’t hear the breathless moans and rocking desk in the other. his strokes were rapid and by now adriana was just trying to keep herself afloat in the midst of his aggression. each time his hips slammed into her she could’ve sworn she heard another object clash from the desk to the ground. she was too far in her blissful trance to care. his cold metal necklace swept across her chest while he leans down to soak up the noises she couldn’t contain. despite the speed of his thrusts his mouth was moving lethargically against hers, appreciating the softness of her lips and how lost they made him feel each time he touched them. her body alone was like a vacation to him. her eyes, her smile, her lips, her sex-- he didn’t have to worry about anything else coming to mind when she was around. her nails clawed into his shoulder blades as another stapler went crashing down on the floor beside them, probably now broken but none of that was adriana’s business at the moment. her body was trembling, a hot feeling surged through her veins and spread through the circumference of her neck making her convulse. her tiny moans and needy noises went directly into the curvature of his neck. it felt as though a star was bursting inside of her, an overwhelming sensation rippled through her body as the head of his length touched her spot over and over again until she was secreting down her thighs and his. “fuckkk”. yeonjun breathes winded, having to fuck through her gush of a mess so he could cum too.

adriana didn’t want to seem clingy while they were finally dressing themselves but in a way she felt closer to yeonjun. she wanted more of him and not just in a sexual way. after her last relationship she promised herself that she wouldn’t take chances with any men for a while but yeonjun seemed different. so different. only, she didn’t know how to strike a good enough conversation to indicate that she wanted to take things further. buckling his jeans and fixing his now wrinkled shirt yeonjun took a deep breath and spoke softly finally executing his thoughts. “adriana before I leave I want your number. if that’s alright with you”. before she felt herself get excited she calmed down thinking that maybe, this could be him using her as a booty call. she didn’t want to get her hopes up. “yes that’s fine, i don’t mind that”. she takes a pen and writes her digits down on a sticky note and hands it to him.

yeonjun takes another deep breath. “and um- my kids are spending the night with my parents on friday night. I was wondering if maybe--you were free you’d want to go out?”. adriana bites her lips and yeonjun could tell she was thinking. he quickly speaks up. “not to have sex or anything. unless that’s what you want but i guess I’m trying to ask you on a date? do you want to go on a date with me? it’s okay for you to say no. it’s no pressure I was just wondering”. adriana laughs at his nervousness. she thought she was the pathetic one for always getting nervous around him and now here he was, a fidgeting mess. “yes yeonjun. I’d love to go on a date with you”. he smiles. “wait really?”. she throws her arms in the air. “yeah why not? why are you so shocked?”. well, yeonjun realized it’s been a while since a real woman was actually into him. of course he didn’t want to admit that to adriana. he shook his head instead. “I don’t know I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to say yes. so maybe I can pick you up at your place at like 8 maybe? I can text you the details”. adriana chuckles at how awkward he was about it. “yes 8 is fine. you’re more than welcome to text me. now go to work yeonjun”. yeonjun laughs realizing he was making a fool out of himself. he turned to leave. “okay I’ll leave. I’ll text you”. adriana waves. “please do!”. if and only if, adriana’s door shutters weren’t up yeonjun probably would’ve done a happy dance in the hallway if he could.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Light on me Ep 11

I think I get the point now though I'm not sure I do. I just think it's amazing we're in Ep 11 out of 16 and still don't know whom Tae-Gyeong will end up with. Things are not as clear as they unusally are in TV series because life is not clear as day. Decisions pop up in your head and you're lost at some points plus the others don't know the answer either. It's as simple as that: nobody knows anything about life. "Light on me" manages to mirror this confusion and love triangles in real life are not as easily to understand - when you find yourself in one - as shows might show it. That's why, despite of this ep being frustrating as hell, it stays interesting. I still wanna know. I still wanna see.

Things are getting more complicated with every episode. Everything is tangled and knotted together. Da-On's backing away has a lot to do with the comments he gets from other students, as well as what Tae-Gyeong says to him and despite what the teacher told him because the school president puts pressure on him. It's a whole mess, so let me try to explain it - mostly to myself.

So, we start off with comments such as "Shouldn't you at least explain yourself?" and "Aren't you a bit too open-minded?" The normal reaction is not answering directly, like Tae-Gyeong, or denying the rumors, like Da-On. This is their biggest difference and issue right now. Tae-Gyeong is not ashamed whereas Da-On is, probably because he feels people are disappointed of him. His problem is with expectations and only he himself knows what he truly feels. I think he believes it helps to not let others in, to not let them know, but he comes to realize by the end of this ep, he accomplished the exact opposite. People don't cross him any more and he doesn't thank anyone who tries to protect him from the hate because he's too selfish to see. He's lost in his head, devided into two possible actions and just doesn't care about the world. It clearly shows with him ignoring Tae-Gyeong who wants to sort things out between them.

See, the thing is, a shitstorm is bad, it goes away, sure, but still, it's aweful, and it brings negative sideeffects with it, but he has the opportunity to not suffer that much. He's not the only victim here. Tae-Gyeong has a saying in this too and they could sort things out because Tae-Gyeong is the only one who can understand him at this moment, but Da-On chooses to feel even more horrible because he wants to punish himself for leading Tae-Gyeong on in the first place. Still, he looks selfish. He doesn't want to clean up the mess he made. That would mean actually spending even more thoughts on it. He doesn't see, the outcome would be more positive. So, yeah, Da-on doesn't believe in himself.

"You can say you're not okay from time to time."

"If your parents find out about this, you know we'll be in a tight spot."

Da-On doesn't dare fighting against the world, so he leaves Tae-Gyeong behind and verifies all the negative theories about what an aweful person he is, to escape the scenery and not be held as responsible any longer.

Tae-Gyeong is just lost at this point. Like I said, he's not ashamed and he never will be. He would even admit it. He feels responsible for what happened but he knows, he's not the only one involved in this matter, so he waits for Da-On to come, to reach out. But since Da-On doesn't, Tae-Gyeong addresses the matter. "Do you even want to talk to me." It's mostly ever been Tae-Gyeong being the first to say anything. It makes him feel like Da-On is totally fine without him, like he's not special to him, like he is as close to him as everyone else, though he knows it's not true, but Da-On won't appreciate him. He lets Tae-Gyeong believe everything the world says he is and Tae-Gyeong doesn't know what to believe. Should he believe what the world says or what he once saw? Is Da-On just good at lying or really feeling something? He chooses the first one. It's not like Da-On denies it...

Da-On does seem selfish and he truly is but it's not like it doesn't affect him, it's not like it doesn't hurt him. He's just really scared of the world.

But he broke Tae-Gyeong by not being honest or sincere. Everyone deserves the truth and not "what's good is good". What does that even mean? Tagging along with everything because the other person will feel good? Others feel good about honesty, not fake smiles. Tae-Gyeong feels like he's just been the victim of one of Da-On's bice guestures. That's not only rejection, he can deal with that, no, that's fakery.

Da-On runs off and Tae-Gyeong goes home alone. He then meets Shin-Woo who was waiting for him to check on him. Shin-Woo knows Da-On way longer and I think he knew before, this confrontation won't be good. He probably knows that feeling himself. So, instead of saying "I'm sorry", he tries to cheer Tae-Gyeong up, makes sure he doesn't feel small.

"If you want to cry, just cry... I can't just leave you here but I can pretend I didn't see anything."

Guys, I want a Shin-Woo in my life. This man is teaching me how to comfort sad people, honestly. How can someone be so understanding?

Okay, so, let's get to Namgung because this man makes me smile every episode and he is truly a badass. He mostly has just one or maybe two scenes but he clearly has boundaries. Loyalty is extremely important to him. That's why he talked So-Hee down and that's why he goes to these inapropriate students.

I laughed so hard at their faces...

The other time I laughed - more giggled - was when these girls at Lee So-Hee's high school tried to figure out who might be the one behind the photo and they immediatly suspect So-Hee and even come up with the right explaination. Hah. Girls surely know how other girls think, what they are capable off because they don't speak directly. (I'm only talking about clichés here and So-Hee is such a cliché)

Well, I don't really know why I wrote this analysis tbh, but I had fun XD

This is just me trying to explain it to myself...

[fefipranon]

Let’s talk about depression

In my latest book ‘The Power of Death’ I talk about this topic in depth. I will post the links to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it. If there is one part of the book that resumes the message that I wanted to transmit, it’s Mikasa’s (The main character) press conference at the end of the last chapter. 

It’s okay if you don’t read the whole book, but at least, read the following extract from the book (some stuff removed to avoid spoilers): 

Standing behind the podium Mikasa started the conference by saying, 

"Paradis island doesn't have studies about the topic we are about to discuss, but other countries do. In the United States, in 2019, a total of 47,511 Americans died by suicide and an estimated 1.38 million attempted it. [2] What about other countries? you may ask, well, overall, suicide was in the top 10 leading causes of death across Eastern Europe, Central Europe, high-income countries within the Asia Pacific, and Australasia. Within regions and countries, though, suicide rates soared among people with lower social and economic status. [3] This data comes from research made by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Washington, Seattle. [4] This goes without mentioning that for every suicide, it is estimated that there are seven to ten people intimately affected."[8]

Mikasa stopped to take a sip of water and looked back at the audience to continue her speech, 

"Untreated depression can, and possibly will lead to suicide, death. In biology, homeostasis is the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems. [5] Depression does have an impact on this. Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people. For example, in one fMRI study published in The Journal of Neuroscience, investigators studied 24 women who had a history of depression. On average, the hippocampus was 9% to 13% smaller in depressed women compared with those who were not depressed. The more bouts of depression a woman had, the smaller the hippocampus. [6] The hippocampus is not the only area of the brain affected by depression, the Amygdala, and Thalamus are also affected.[6] Depression is, and should be treated as, an illness that, if left untreated, can be lethal. Just remember the statistics I gave you about suicide at the beginning of my speech. With that data as the base of my argument, it is safe for me to say that depression is one of the top life-threatening illnesses having, in some countries, the top mortality rate overall."

A woman from the public raised her hand and when allowed to talk she said, 

"How can you call an illness to something that can be 'cured' by just talking to a so-called doctor about your issues?" 

Mikasa gave the woman a serious look and said, "Therapy, is not just talking. Psychotherapy stands over years of research and development going as back as the 19th century. There is extensive evidence of its effectiveness. Also, most cases of depression treatments include medication." 

Then a man shouted, "So now doctors will give our kids a bunch of pills just because the child is feeling a little sad?!"

"Several tests are usually performed before a psychiatrist gives a diagnosis of depression. Tests like: physical exams, lab tests, psychiatric evaluation, and the country's manual of mental health like for example the DSM-5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association, is applied. After that, the psychiatrist might do more testing to see if medication is an option. Because they are physicians, psychiatrists can order or perform a full range of medical laboratory and psychological tests which, combined with discussions with patients, help provide a picture of a patient's physical and mental state. Their education and clinical training equip them to understand the complex relationship between emotional and other medical illnesses and the relationships with genetics and family history, to evaluate medical and psychological data, to make a diagnosis, and to work with patients to develop treatment plans.[7] In other words, for a doctor to prescribe medication to your child, it has to first do an extensive evaluation on the kid before even start to consider medication in the first place. If in the end, medication is needed, then it would mean that your kid is not only 'feeling a little sad', it means that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and the physician will have a lot of evidence to back up his claim.", Mikasa said. 

She stopped talking and pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration, then she looked seriously at the same man she was addressing before, and said, "Would you rather lose your child to suicide or seek valid, scientific-based help to save the kid's life?"

The man was frozen in place. He was not expecting to be put in the spotlight this way. Mikasa noticed the teenage kid who was seated next to him with his head bowed to the floor. Before he could answer Mikasa said, 

"Do you even know how depression feels like? To have your own mind to conspire against you? To illogically feel worthless, alone, like nobody can understand you, or at least, nobody that hasn't been through the same darkness as you. Do you know how it feels when people tell you worthless crap like, 'get over it', or 'just stop being sad' like being sad is just an option you chose because apparently, you like to torture yourself? Have you ever contemplated to end your life out of desperation to get an out, a break, from your own mind?"

By this point, the kid was looking straight at Mikasa with tears pouring down his eyes. Mikasa knew she was getting through him. She grabbed the microphone and started to walk while resuming her speech, 

"To feel like you are constantly drowning. To feel like an ungrateful ass because logically, you should be happy because you have everything. But you aren't... Thinking that there must be something really wrong with you for you to feel this way without an apparent reason. To feel lost, alone with this feeling that is eating you inside slowly until it gets to the point where you desperately want to rip your soul out of your body. When it gets so bad that causing physical pain to your body is an option since, at least, for a brief moment, your mind focuses on the physical pain which is better for you because the emotional pain is so much greater than a little cut on your forearm."

The man realized that she was no longer addressing him but the person seated next to him, his own son. Mikasa stood right in front of his son and looked at him in the eyes. She lowered the microphone and while brushing her fingers through the kid's scars on his forearm she said to him, 

"You are not alone."

Then, she showed him her own scars and the kid stood up pulling her in for a hug while repeatedly saying, "Thank you"

Reporters were recording the whole encounter. It was real. Depression was real, and it was being recorded. The father of the kid sat back down while looking at his son in shock. Trying to find the words to say he just pulled him in for a hug while saying, 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You never really asked.", the boy replied. 

"I'm sorry. I will do better. You deserve better.", his dad replied with a broken voice. 

Mikasa lifted the microphone again to talk and said, "Depression is a silent killer. It could be your child, partner, parent... it could be closer to you than what you think. So before you speak about the topic remember that. Your words could be hurting one of your own for your lack of empathy."

She walked towards the podium again to start answering reporter's questions,

 "What would you say to someone who is going through this?"

Mikasa lowered her head lost in thought and said, "You don't need to have a traumatic event in your life to have depression. Depression is not just sadness and is not only caused by personality type or environmental factors. Genetics and biochemistry are also a big part of it, and those two have nothing to do with how much crap you've been dealt in life. What I am trying to say it's that, it's okay to not be okay, you don't need a reason to, and you don't need to feel worse about it for not having a reason. Being sad is not a right you earn after a certain amount of societally accepted shit has happened to you. Just seek help, see the situation logically, and not let people bring you down. If possible, educate others on the topic. Be the change you want to see in the world."

She paused, thinking of her own struggles with depression, and the stability and peace she finally felt once the pills started to work on her. Sure, dark thoughts still lingered at the back of her head, but, it was no longer unbearable, now, it was manageable. With time and therapy, she had managed to live with it, minimizing their negative effect on her. With this in mind, she said,

"Do not get frustrated if anti-depressants don't work at first, sometimes it takes a couple of tries with different types of medications to get the one that works for you. Researchers are exploring possible links between the sluggish production of new neurons in the hippocampus and low moods. An interesting fact about antidepressants supports this theory. These medications immediately boost the concentration of chemical messengers in the brain (neurotransmitters). Yet people typically don't begin to feel better for several weeks or longer. Experts have long wondered why, if depression were primarily the result of low levels of neurotransmitters, people don't feel better as soon as levels of neurotransmitters increase. The answer may be that mood only improves as nerves grow and form new connections, a process that takes weeks." [6]

She paused and looked at the crowd. Then, she said, 

"In the meantime, stay alive, even if it feels against your will. Do not give a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because trust me, it DOES get better."

Stay Alive

Feel free to share this to raise awareness. This book has all the things I wish someone had told me in my darkest moments, and I hope, it can help someone out there who is going through the same painful path in life. Remember, it's not your fault, you are not alone.

Resources used in this part: 

[1]  Oswego City School District Regents Exam Prep Center. Archived from on 25 October 2012. Retrieved 12 November 2012. URL: homeostasis

[2] American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: suicide-statistics

[3] global-suicide-rates-study

[4] Global, regional, and national burden of suicide mortality 1990 to 2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016: content

[5]  Gordon., Betts, J. Anatomy and physiology. DeSaix, Peter., Johnson, Eddie., Johnson, Jody E., Korol, Oksana., Kruse, Dean H., Poe, Brandon. Houston, Texas. p. 9. ISBN 9781947172043. OCLC 1001472383.

[6] What causes depression? Harvard Medical School: what-causes-depression

[7] What Is Psychiatry? from the American Psychiatric Association. URL: what-is-psychiatry

[8] Lukas, Christopher; Henry M. Seiden (1997) [1987]. Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. Northvale, New Jersey: Jaron Aronson. p. 5. ISBN 0-7657-0056-5.

Book Summary: 

Mikasa is a woman suffering from clinical depression. There is one thing that she is sure of: she wants to die. But when she received some unexpected news that makes her death wish a reality, she starts to wonder if that was really what she wanted. She starts a journey to discover the truth about her biological parents that gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. This journey will guide her to cross paths with someone as broken as her, someone that hates her to death for what her biological family did to him. Will she have the courage to, for once, fight to live? or will she let him drag her to hell with him?

The book is tagged as an ‘Attack on Titan’ Alternate universe fanfic but honestly you don’t need to know anything about the anime to read it. The story has nothing to do with it so feel free to read if you haven’t seen it. 

You can find the story in the following links: 

Archive of our own:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30452145/chapters/75087657

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/264598251-the-power-of-death

[cloveroctobers]

GIRLFRIENDS - ALL AMERICAN GIRLS

A/N: because if we’re not stanning the girls too then what even is the point? + gender neutral! + something simple, hope you like?

GIRLFRIENDS — all american girl preferences

baby I could love you or love you not, hope you’re down with the friends I got 🎶

KIA: the deep brown skinned girl was down for supporting her friends no matter what. Sure she knew many people due to her active duties running multiple clubs, so she was always around many people but Kia liked her solitude every now and then to reflect on what needed to be reflected. She was the type of friend that was always down to listen to understand, rather than listen to reply. You two were friends long before your families figured out that you were related, making you cousins. “I knew there was a reason we connected, we’re blood!” so when you first got your significant other, it was nice and full of butterflies for you. Kia could clearly see that you were smitten with your person of choice and she supported you. She actually liked you two in the beginning but it only took about two weeks for things to shift, surprisingly. Things were starting to confuse you about the other you had interest in, they were hot and then they were cold and borderline possessive. You were new to this whole “love” or rather “dating” thing so when you asked Kia about it along with her and your? Uncle flip in earshot, they gave their opinions/advice whereas uncle flip said he could “talk” to them while Kia said you should sit them down and tell them how their actions were making you feel and go from there. So you took kia’s option and did so just for things to get heated, and it takes a lot to get YOU heated. They kept pushing you so you gave them the ultimatum: either you can give them love or you can leave with it and give it to someone else. At the end of the day you had your friends with or without them and would be just fine without them in your life if they continued to treat you like crap. This they were not expecting from you, sitting there mouth open but you no longer waited to hear what they had to say. Turning on your heels you spotted Kia and a few of your friends by your locker. You walked right over to Kia, after she gave a round of applause and a smile, you locked arms with her sharing a grin; very content being around your friends instead.

Cause you know girls stan girlfriends over boyfriends🎶

OLIVIA: “they’re crazy, liv!” You exclaimed, before turning to launch the bat over your head to smash the television near by. Olivia nodded her head, stepping back as pieces of glass flew around the room. You huffed knowing you’ll feel that pulled muscle in the morning but right now the annoyance was taking over your whole being. You had the bright idea to go to a wreck room and figured it would be fun to get your anger out in a...different manner. Olivia couldn’t tell you no after seeing how distraught you were over your relationship and you were one, if not, the only one there for her with her struggles so who was she to not show up for her friends? That would not be like the Olivia Baker you knew. She was the one always putting other’s needs before her own and in a way you knew this would be good for her after the whole Spencer incident (part 2 that is). Yet she only stomped and kicked on a few objects while you were going full hulk, using the bat after you almost smashed your hand through a wall. You didn’t need any broken bones especially being a pianist but when you’re angry sometimes you black out. “So you just told them to go screw themselves?” The doe-eyed curly haired girl asked after you sat against a broken wall with your knees pulled up. You grinned, panting and glancing over  at her as she leaned against the wall still standing, “hell yeah I did! nobody comes between me and my girls. They’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen if they didn’t get that from the get go.” You winked making Olivia breathe out a laugh, glad you finally found some common sense to drop the dead weight of your ex-significant other.

I roll with my best, and you already know, that if they ain’t impressed, you’re gonna have to go🎶

LAYLA: “OH MY GOSH, Y/N THEY DID NOT!” Layla held onto your wrist laughing as the two of you sat on a shared towel on the beach. You nodded your head rapidly showing that what was just shared was indeed true. You had no idea how you ended up talking to them. maybe you were under the influence or really tired, just trying to be nice, and found them entertaining the other weekend at the teen club but lately talking to them felt very dry. No one’s ever held the status of being your significant other because no one held your interest long enough but here you were. They went to one of the other school’s here, a private one and sure they were nice to look at but the conversation was lacking. The connection was just not there and perhaps it wasn’t there the first time you engaged, you couldn’t pinpoint what was going on last weekend but you didn’t have to continue with what you already knew wouldn’t work. Layla was one of the main one’s out of your group to address what you were already thinking. So when they showed up with a few of their friends trying to chat you were embarrassed for them, doing them a favor after getting the look from your girls you let them down gently. However it seemed like they didn’t grasp the fact that you were basically canceling your talking stage, you decided to relocate and encourage your girls to join the dance party that was a good distance from where your failed love interest sat confused and clueless with their friends. However that headache was now gone as you danced the summer afternoon away on the beach.

so if you’re gonna press me and treat me like a- exit to the left and they’ll show you the door 🎶

PATIENCE: You’ve known Patience since middle school and she’s always been the best friend you could have asked for. You’re basically family and never sugarcoat anything from each other. So the minute you started dating Dane Kohler she immediately expressed her disapproval but you were too blinded by the sex really. You knew Dane wasn’t shit and for the streets yet you kept dealing with him for the toxicity of it all. It wasn’t until you overheard that he possibly got someone pregnant while he was on the phone with his boys that you flipped on him. After saying what you had to say, which he didn’t take seriously since he replied with, “Ah, you’ll be back.” You left him there going straight over to Patience’s house to tell her what was going on. She waited until you got out all you needed saying, “so are we busting windows to show him that you’re not some hoe of the week or are you finally kicking his stupid ass to the door? Take your pick.” You thought about it, not for long, as you said with a smirk, “Why not both?” Patience instantly pushed off her couch, “say less.” And out the two of you went.

We didn't have a problem in the world...Until you started making noise 🎶

COOP: No matter what, Coop was the friend that wanted to be by your side for the good and the bad. If something was wrong with you, then that means something was wrong with her too. Everything that happened with you, she would take it personal too. Majority of the time you appreciated that, that someone was so empathetic towards whatever situation you had going on in your life but it was odd that sometimes you couldn’t reciprocate that for Coop. Sure she’ll tell you her problems but she didn’t expect for you to want to jump in FOR her, she just wanted someone to be beside her and let her shine and do HER thing. She wanted that sense of control. It was one of her downfalls as a friend or person...depending on who you ask...Her situation with Spencer was much different than what was going on between your friendship. Yes you were bumping heads at the moment but at least the two of you were still speaking...somewhat...you two were involved in a disagreement and usually after a day or two things would be fine. This was one of those days. Coop was on her way over to you to clear the air and to let you know that she was thinking of dropping out and didn’t want your persuasion to stay but for you to support and listen. Before she could do that, she spotted your significant other towering over you yelling into your face, drawing some attention. However you weren’t flinching as you peered up into their eyes but from Coop’s angle she could see your eyes were fresh with tears of anger. It was when they slammed their hand against the locker that you were pressed against, Coop intervened. The pair shared words but it was enough to get them to back off of you. Letting out shallow breaths you dropped to a squat picking up your things that that asshole probably threw. They were good for their tantrums and this was coop’s first time seeing it. She only heard about it through the phone and by word of mouth from you. “I don’t know what their problem is but I don’t appreciate someone talking to you like that or taking it out on you. You need to cut them off, Y/n. Cause what I saw just then is not okay and can probably get worse. Then I’m really gonna have to put my paws on someone and I haven’t done that since when? Forever.” You snorted imagining Coop’s much shorter frame compared to your significant other’s but ultimately knew size did not matter in that aspect. “I hear you. They’re doing too much lately and I’m tired of it, they’re not worth the stress. This much I know.” “Good, glad we’re on the same page. Now where we ‘bout to eat at?”

Never gonna leave my girls, they're sticking by me 🎶

SIMONE: “I can’t believe you’re leaving me right now, alone with this, to go be with that bitch— that was enough for you to collect your things and exit the premises. Anybody that felt the need to talk about your friend like that didn’t deserve you. Plus who’s to know what they’re saying about you behind your back if they didn’t respect your friends. You knew your significant other could be a asshole but this statement really sunk in for you. It was clear that they didn’t care about Simone, your best friend who was going through the rough time of being a teen and pregnant. You were open to being respectful of your significant other’s garbage friends but you couldn’t get that exact treatment in return? This relationship was slowly but surely becoming real questionable to you right now. It took some time during the course of the day but Simone finally told you what hotel she was staying in after she informed you that she left the baker’s house for good. When she came to the door, she was shocked to see you here with your bags ready to stay the night or however long she was in fact staying. “W-what?” “I told you, you can’t get rid of me no matter what idiot person is in my life right now. I know you need someone and I don’t ever want you to feel alone. So let me in so we can watch train to busan and parasite.” Simone’s eyes started to fill up with tears as you walked into the room dropping your things onto the shared bed. When you turned to face the low-lidded girl, before you could catch the tears in her eyes, she engulfed you into a tight hug which you returned patting her back. “I’m so grateful for you.” Simone sniffed. You laughed, “your hormones have been whacky as hell lately huh?” “Yes, and I hate it.” “Well...we’re dealing with it.” “Thank you.” “What are friends for?”

[duxhess-kryzewan]

Obi-wan saving Satine from a suitor, and then lots of fluff and cuddling.

- This Love - 

During his time on the run with Qui-Gon and Satine he had become somewhat of an expert on the history of Mandalorian culture and the various clans that make up its people. Satine of course had hailed from Clan Kryze. Many long days and nights were spent discussing the history of her people and it's various leaders throughout its time as an established civilization. It had helped them pass the time. 

That said, he only remembered so much from that ongoing history lesson. Too many things had been slowly compiling themselves in his brain and he had long since forgotten some of the specifics when it came to the differing clans. Satine would surely chastise him if he were ever to let her know that.

He does know however that she tries to maintain a steady line of communication with all the major houses that the clans compiled in order to keep peace between them. 

One of her guards had informed him that she was in the middle of a House meeting when he landed on Mandalore. He had finished a simple extraction mission on one of the other outer rim planets earlier than expected and had decided to sneak away and visit her while he had the time. What little he ever had to spare was precious and all the better when he was able to see her. 

Of course he had told her guards that it wasn't necessary to disturb her meeting to inform her of his arrival; force knows that he would never hear the end of it if he were to interrupt her while she was conducting her duties as Duchess. She may be just as thrilled to see him as he was her, but they both had a mutual understanding that their duties would always come first.

"It's fine," He insisted, "I'm sure the Duchess would be less than pleased should her meeting intruded upon. I'll fair out just fine, I tend to know my way around here."

"As you wish, Master Kenobi." The guardsman had said before retreating down the hallway. It was true, he had spent enough time over the past year or so in Sundari Palace that he knew his way around without a guide. Thankfully he was able to operate under the guise of being a liaison for the Republic instead of simply coming for personal reasons, which was the case more often than not. 

He had been roaming the halls of the palace close to her throne room while he waited. The pieces of their culture was something one could easily get lost in, and the palace had no shortage of historical artifacts and antiquities to delve into. All the better for him; her meeting had a tendency to drag and there was only so long he could hover in one place waiting for her. 

Her voice always pulled him out of whatever trance he was in, and today was no different. Something in his chest fluttered every time her voice graced his ears. 

He took his time though to head down the hallway; it was obvious she was still speaking with one of the House members even as they finished the meeting. It was a voice he hadn't recognized; a new representative perhaps. 

He stops dead in his tracks though when he finally makes out what the voice was saying.

"-And the other clan leaders as well as the house leaders think it best you are appointed someone."

"A suitor?"

The man cleared his throat, "Yes, they see it fit. The people are satisfied for now with your ruling however the clans worry that you will start to loose public support without a male figure at your side."

There no mistaking the annoyance in her voice despite how well she had tried to hide it.

"I find it highly inappropriate that a matter was discussed without consulting my council first, let alone something so personal and belittling as appointing me a consort." 

Something about her being appointed a suitor stirred something both primal and worrisome inside of him. It was but another series of events that had him questioning his decision not to stay with her all those years ago. He certainly wouldn't have to worry about her being courted by someone else, let alone have them be a proponent for marriage. 

He does his best to squash those feelings as they come though, jealously was very unbecoming of a Jedi. And in truth he really had no claim on her. As loyal as they were to one another in regards to whatever their relationship was, deep down he understood that there was always the possibility she would move on without him. And why shouldn't she? He could never give her everything he deserved. He wanted her to be happy no matter how much it was harm him. 

That said though, he knows just how much she would loathe being forced into something. 

"It's simply a matter of maintaining an effective leadership and not a personal slight against you, your grace. It's why I was slotted to attend the meeting. My influence among House Kast has been vital in the past years and has permeated throughout a number of clans and would be nothing but beneficial to you." The man says, the assurance to his tone only serving to get under Obi-Wans skin even more. 

He can sense the change of her emotions through her force signature; the sharp shift from displeased to both swelling anger and unmistakable panic.

Whoever it was that was speaking to her head only been in that meeting for one reason; to propose himself as a probable suitor to the Duchess. Part of him wanted to scoff at the notion that Satine was any less than capable of ruling Mandalore. She was a strong leader in her own right and commanded respect; the idea that she would ever need a male figure at her side to continue to win over her people was downright insulting to her capabilities. 

It took him only a second for him to decide what to do.

“They sent you to propose-” 

“Duchess.” 

He had rounded the corner just as she had begun to speak, catching both her and the house member off guard. Normally he wouldn’t dare interrupt her. She was more than capable of handling herself, but he couldn’t bare to hear anymore of the conversation. It was selfish on his part, he knew, but she would have to forgive him.

“Master Kenobi.” She says, not even bothering to hide her surprise at his sudden appearance.

“Pardon me,” He says, “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

The man was a bit younger than he had imagined; his dark eyes matching the inky color of his hair. Certainly not what he ever would have pictured. The contrast between him and Satine’s bright eyes and golden hair was striking and he couldn’t ever imagine her with someone so tenebrous.

“Of course not.” She answers quickly, “We were just finished.”

The man - whose name he has no interest in learning - looks both dejected and a touch angry. 

“Actually Duchess,” He begins, “I was hoping we’d be able to continue our conversation-”

Satine tears her eyes away from Obi-Wan and looks back to him, “Our conversation was through the moment you spoke of my ability to rule on my own. If your house has issue with it than you most certainly can address it with my council. Now if you don’t mind, I have other matters to attend too. I’m sure the guards can see you out.”

Without sparing another glance at the man she starts heading down the hallway in his direction, all but beckoning him to follow. Of course he maintains an appropriate distance from her; he couldn’t imagine the scandal it would cause if someone got wind of his occasional visits being anything more than business driven. 

He doesn’t bother asking where they’re headed; he knows the way to her chambers like the back of his hand these days. Besides, the anger from the conversation was radiating off of her so strongly that he wouldn’t have even needed the force to sense it. The tension was more than palpable.

Her chambers are quiet; the guards that would normally wander about the halls no where in sight and the moment that the doors of her private quarters slide shut behind them she grabs him briskly by the shoulders and crashes her lips to his.

Its raw and primal and just a little bit desperate, not at all what he’s used to from her but he wastes no time in cupping her face between his hands and kissing her back with just as much fire. He knows whats happening, that she’s trying to prove a point that there wasn’t anyone she would touch so scandalously but him.

“I would never even consider a consort of any kind.” She says firmly when she breaks the kiss, “Never. I am capable of leading alone and there is nobody in the galaxy I would want next to me.”

He understands the unspoken words. Nobody in the galaxy other than him. She didn’t need to say it. He knew.

He kisses her this time. He wants her to know that he understands, that perhaps they would never be able to fully belong to one another in front of anyone else, but that they have willingly given each other a piece of themselves. 

“You’re brilliant,” He assures her, “You’re strong and wise and one of the most formidable leaders I’ve ever known. They are foolish to ever doubt your ability to lead on your own.”

He can feel her force signature soften under his words and finally she manages to smile the slightest bit at him.

“Thank you, Obi-Wan.” She says lightly, before her soft smile morphs itself into a wicked grin, “It’s been too long since you’ve come to see me.”

He doesn’t even protest when she grabs his hands and drags him towards her bedroom. 

---- 

Later, hours into the night, they lay awake in her bed, his hand trailing up and down the length of her spine while she lay against his bare chest. It was the most at peace he had felt in months.

She lifts her head up and rests her chin against the center of his chest, blue eyes shining with something he doesn’t quite recognize. Something made of both happiness and sadness, perhaps?

“I’ve tried, you know.” She begins.

He merely raises an eyebrow in response. 

“To move on,” She clarifies, “I thought perhaps that one day I’d be able to find someone to else. Someone to marry and rule Mandalore by my side.”

She drops her head on its side and nuzzles it against him, her hand finding his free one and gripping it tightly, “But I could never. There is no one else, Obi-Wan, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that.”

He loves her, more than he could even begin to explain. He would never be able to be with her in all the ways she so desperately deserves, but something inside of him would break should she ever find someone new.

“There’s never been another soul in the galaxy I’ve felt about in the same way I feel about you, Satine.” He tells her gently, “There won’t ever be anyone else for me either. You’re it, and I am so dreadfully sorry I can’t be by your side in all the ways you deserve.”

She raises her head up once more to look him in the eyes, “I love you as you are, protector of the galaxy and all. And while I want you here forever, I know we made our choices for the right reasons.”

He smiles at her, “And I love you, Satine.”

It’s the first time he’s ever been able to say the words aloud. She’s always known, always understood his way of life made it difficult to say it, but here and now he wants to make sure she never has to wonder how he feels. 

Her smile lights up something inside of him and he vows then and there that once the war was over, he would be by her side. 

Always. 

[wannawritefast]

Whiplash: Chapter 1- Playing Defense

A/N: Hey, y’all. I know the prologue didn’t get a whole lot of attention but I’ve written a substantial amount for this and I am VERY proud of how much I’ve written and what I’ve written. Also, huge shoutout to @andtheswordwentsnickersnack​ for beta reading this beast of a fic that I’ve been working on for WAYYYY too long LMAO...

Pairing: BoRhap!Brian May x fem!Reader

Prologue

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, awful men, sexism

You loved your family. Really, you did.

But there were times, and many times they were, that you would have been more comfortable ripping your own hair out strand-by-strand than having to sit through another session of verbal abuse.

You weren’t entirely certain what you had done, if anything, to deserve such discrimination from your grandfather, father, and brother amongst a few cousins and uncles. It was like 3 generations of men in your family had decided to use you as a verbal punching bag.

You still vividly remembered the time you had told them that you didn’t particularly appreciate how they talked to you. They laughed right in your face and told you to grow a thicker skin. That Y/l/n’s were a tougher breed than most and that if you couldn’t handle it then maybe you weren’t of their blood.

October break wasn’t any different. Your family had met up for your annual dinner together aside from Christmas.

“And what about you? When are you going to settle down, Y/n?” your grandfather quipped after shoveling a spoonful of mashed potatoes. “I want some great-grandbabies!”

Before you could even open your mouth in response your brother, James, chimed in. “I wouldn’t count on anyone banging her anytime soon.”

“Well,” you chuckled, “would you look at who’s talking?” James grumbled to himself and threw a pea at you which you successfully evaded. You turned your head to address your grandfather. “And I’m not your only grandchild. You have a grandson too, you know.”

You nodded toward your brother and your grandfather hardly even blinked at the last sentence. He either didn’t hear you or didn’t care. Proof that he used any and every opportunity to undermine you. Your grandfather scoffed and mumbled to himself gruffly.

You practically heard your father’s eye roll. “Your career is only so fulfilling.”

“Dad, I’m an astrophysicist and a damn good one, I’d like to think. If my career wasn’t fulfilling enough, I’d be seriously questioning all of the time and money I spent at university writing my thesis and graduating top 5 in my year.” You took a bite out of your roll. Why did you have to defend yourself every time you came home? It was exhausting!

“I’m just saying that you aren’t fully happy until you’ve settled down.”You rolled your eyes at your father. You didn’t have the time to focus on your love life. You barely had time to do your studies as it was. Furthermore, no man you had met seemed to like you after finding out you were an astrophysicist. Nobody seemed to click with you well.

“Why do I need more than my career to be fulfilled in life?” You asked seriously.The whole table laughed at your question. Even the kiddie table laughed but it was just hive mind reflex. You certainly did want to get married and have a family someday but you were making a point to your father. Who was he to dictate what made you happy?

“Please, Y/n,” James piped up again, “that’s what lonely people say to feel better about themselves.”

Ouch. That one stung more than you should have let it. You took a drink to keep yourself from letting a tear roll.

“Who ever said that she’s single?” Your sister spoke suddenly. You coughed and sputtered on your drink. Your neck turned to Donna so swiftly that you probably could have snapped it.

“Are you implying that my eldest daughter is dating a boy,” your mother raised her brows at you conspiratorially, “and didn’t tell me? Is it that smart, goofy boy you fancied at university for the longest time?” She couldn’t seem to keep a grin from spreading across her face.You flushed red at her question. Nobody needed to know that. Except now they did because you were, apparently, no longer single. Everybody at the table locked their eyes on you, muttering to each other. You looked at your sister in panic.

“Go on,” her voice cracked and she cleared her throat before bringing her cup to her lips. “Tell them about your boyfriend.”

Gee thanks… She had just started digging you into a hole.“Wait just a second! Let’s rewind a moment.” James questioned incredulously. “My sister, the stick in the mud astrophysicist, has a boyfriend? Why haven’t you mentioned him before?”

“It’s not relevant who I may or-” you looked at your sister pointedly; she fiddled with her fork “-may not be dating.” The fact that James wasn’t buying it was making you quite nervous. You were more offended though than anything. “Is it really so hard to believe that I’d be dating someone?”

“Yes!”

“Believe it, James” Donna insisted, pointing her fork at him. Put down your damn shovel!

“Have you banged him?” Your brother asked in the silence.

You picked up your drink and splashed him in the face. Your mother softly scolded you for your actions but you were completely unapologetic for what James more than deserved. How you shared the same DNA with such a tool was beyond you… 

“That is hardly your business,” you snipped. You turned and stared down Donna. You were going to have to tell them the truth…

“Ok, that’s quite enough,” your mother stopped everything. Oh, thank the Lord. “We’re here to talk about your sister not her boyfriend.” Thank you, mother. “She’ll just have to bring him over for Christmas!”

You stood up from your chair and it scraped along the floor. What had you done…“That’s ridiculous! What if he wants us to spend time with his family for Christmas?” Why were you even going along with this? Why were you defending your hypothetical boyfriend?

“Then you can split the time between the two!”

“What if he doesn’t want to meet you guys yet?” You suggested. This hole is getting awfully big, Y/n. “Meeting parents is a big deal!” The statement came out as more of a question than a defense. You were honestly hoping for one, just one, objection to stick. “I don’t want to scare him off.”

“Who wouldn’t want to meet us?” Your mother asked. You resisted the urge to answer the question.

“Well, what if we’re not even together anymore by that time?”

“Wow, you really can’t hold onto a man for that long, Y/n? It seems to me like you would have been making this whole thing up if you are ‘broken up’ by then.” James finished wiping his face with a napkin after his encounter with your drink. You locked eyes with him. He was onto you.

“I’m not making this up,” you lied. Apparently you hadn’t put down your shovel yet either.“Then bring him home for Christmas,” James challenged. “Otherwise we’ll know it's a lie.”

Your family was on the edge of their seats and, for the time being, the logistics of the challenge didn’t matter. You were fed up with your brother constantly tearing you down. You were tired of your father not being pleased with anything you did. And you were exhausted by your grandfather’s insistence that you were nothing more than a source for great-grandkids. You got no respect at work and you certainly didn’t get any damn respect at home.

And so you did it. You extended your arm toward your stupid brother’s stupid hand and grasped it firmly with a shake.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, brother dearest.”

[{...}]

Eventually the extended family left and you went to your sister’s bedroom since you were sharing the room and the bed for break.

“Why in the bloody hell would you do something like that?!” You lowered your voice so that your family, more specifically James, wouldn’t hear you. Your sister sat on the bed cross-legged, fiddling with the ends of her hair.

“I’m sorry!” Donna yelled. You shushed her as you brushed your hair. “I couldn’t just watch. James crossed a line with that comment. I just wanted to wipe that stupid smile off of his dumb face.”

“Watch your language, why don’t you?” You teased. She rolled her eyes at you. “But I was fine, honestly. I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be!” You hissed at Donna to be quiet again. “It was nice for them to shut up for a few moments and see you as a normal human being.”

Your heart was warm but you were in a state of complete panic. “That’s such a sweet sentiment in such a terrible circumstance!” You dug your fingers into your temples and threw yourself onto the bed. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t just go up to a guy and say ‘I need you to be my fake boyfriend because my sister dug me into a bloody hole’! You know I can barely get guys to talk to me on a casual basis!” Your voice dropped in volume, no louder than a whisper. “What makes you think that I can get one to play my boyfriend?” You let out a frustrated sigh.

“I honestly did not foresee the consequences of my actions and I am very sorry.”

“Do you think?” You growled to yourself. “Bloody hell… what am I going to do?”

Your sister scratched the back of her neck. “I mean, you have time… It is only October…”

“But I’m going to have to find someone eventually… if I find one.” You gnawed on a fingernail.

“You’ll be fine!” Donna breathed. She curled herself into the blankets next to you. You felt sick to your stomach.

“Yeah…,” you inhaled deeply, “and I’ve got time…”

[flying-elliska]

Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

[captainjanegay]

Apartment 16 | Stucky | Meet Dumb Cute | 5k words | Ao3

Summary:

"Finally, he sees the longed-for number 16 on the door in front of him and bends to retrieve the key. Luckily, it's still there. Bucky thinks about the fact that in just a few minutes he'll finally be able to lay down, fall asleep and forget about the dull ache in all of his muscles for a few hours. It's a very nice thought. It makes him let out a small, happy sigh as he opens the door and sneaks into the dark apartment.

The light coming from the window in the living room is not much but enough for Bucky to realise that there's a dog. A big dog is standing in the middle of the hallway, its head cocked to the side as it watches Bucky. It's fair and huge, a golden retriever if Bucky was to guess.

It wouldn’t be weird if Bucky just ignored the fact that Natasha did not have a dog."

A/N: Here’s a random thing I wrote to escape from the other fic I’m working on. It was supposed to be a short ficlet and here we are at 5k. It was really fun to write and I hope you’ll have fun reading it :’)

My fourth fill for the @stuckybingo2020 ♥

There are eighty-seven steps to get to the 5th floor of the building Natasha lives in. It is at least eighty steps too many. In normal circumstances Bucky probably wouldn’t complain. He got used to the permanently broken elevator and he was in good enough condition not to die of exhaustion climbing those damn stairs on a normal day. But all of this doesn't matter at 4 AM when Bucky's completely exhausted—both physically and mentally—after his shift at the bar. In those circumstances he can complain as much as he fucking wants, thank you very much.

Despite all the stairs, he is really thankful for Natasha. His own apartment is not that far, maybe a twenty minute walk from here. But he'd rather fall asleep on the street than walk all the way to his place right now. So bless the permanent permission to crash on Natasha's couch whenever he feels like it. She even keeps a spare key under her mat—a foolproof hiding place, so obvious that nobody ever bothers to check there and break into her apartment.

Finally, he sees the longed-for number 16 on the door in front of him and bends to retrieve the key. Luckily, it's still there. Bucky thinks about the fact that in just a few minutes he'll finally be able to lay down, fall asleep and forget about the dull ache in all of his muscles for a few hours. It's a very nice thought. It makes him let out a small, happy sigh as he opens the door and sneaks into the dark apartment. Taking off his shoes, he turns to lock the door. Then, he freezes. He can hear a weird noise from behind his back, like... clacking against the wooden floor. Slowly, he turns around.

The light coming from the window in the living room is not much but enough for Bucky to realise that there's a dog. A big dog is standing in the middle of the hallway, its head cocked to the side as it watches Bucky. It's fair and huge, a golden retriever if Bucky was to guess.

It wouldn’t be weird if Bucky just ignored the fact that Natasha did not have a dog.

A few more seconds pass. Bucky starts wondering if he didn’t in fact pass out from exhaustion somewhere between the bar and Natasha’s place and all this is just ravings of his tired brain. After a moment of deliberation, Bucky wonders how badly such a big dog could hurt him. After all, he can get mistaken for a burglar. Hell, he is in someone’s apartment—not Natasha’s, that much is obvious—after he basically broke in in the middle of the night, probably still reeking of cigarettes and that beer someone spilled on him at the bar hours ago. 

So if the dog leaps to bite his face off, Bucky kind of had that coming. The rational part of his brain makes him take a step back towards the door. He blindly reaches for the door-handle. As he realises that he’d actually closed the door behind himself, he curses under his breath. At least the dog is still just watching him, calmly.

Just as Bucky thinks that, the dog moves. There’s no leaping and biting-off-faces involved so far, the dog only scampers towards him leisurely. It sniffs at Bucky's hand, while Bucky tries very hard not to breathe. After an excruciatingly long second or two, the dog nudges Bucky's hand until it rests on its muzzle. When Bucky doesn't do anything, the dog sits on its hind legs and looks at Bucky in a way that seems kind of expectant. Not having much choice, Bucky does the only thing there is to do. 

He moves his hand to rest on the dog’s head and pets, gently scratching behind the dog's right ear. It lets out a quiet noise, somewhere between a bark and a content huff. Bucky chuckles quietly. He's not sure what is happening, but at least he's not worried about getting eaten alive for now. Soon enough, the dog flops onto its back, exposing its belly and there's that look again. Without thinking, Bucky crouches down and proceeds with the rubs.

Once again, the rational part of his brain tries to take control, telling him that he's still in some stranger's place, it's still past 4 AM and Bucky still should not be here. No matter how friendly the dog is. Unfortunately, at this hour the rational part of his brain has no say in anything. The dumb and the tired parts are the present CEOs of The Bucky Barnes Brain and that's why nothing good happens to him at the wee hours of the morning. So of course, Bucky ignores the voice of reason that tells him to go and try to figure out where the hell Natasha's apartment is. And besides—he had a long night. He had to deal with drunk and obnoxious people and serve them their drinks with a smile. He had to stand for hours and his legs are so sore he's not sure if he'll be able to get up from the crouches. He sure as hell deserved to pet a dog who clearly wants to be pet as a treat.

"What. The. Fuck. Is happening here?!"

Of course Bucky's happiness is short-lived. When he hears the deep, male voice, his head snaps up, trying to make out the silhouette in the dark corridor. 

Before he can do that, the light is suddenly switched on. Bucky winces and starts blinking, bringing the hand not currently petting the dog up to shield his eyes from the blinding brightness. The quick movement throws him off balance, making him plop down onto his butt.

When his ability to see is more or less back, he looks up. His eyes widen. He opens his mouth but closes it when nothing comes out. He just stares.

Because right in front of him stands a very gorgeous man. He seems skinny and small, probably at least a head shorter than Bucky. His blond hair is sticking in every direction, which Bucky would find adorable in different circumstances. The man's jaw is strong, his cheekbones to die for and he has the most beautiful blue eyes Bucky has ever seen.

Unfortunately, those blue eyes are glaring at him furiously and if it was possible to die under someone's gaze, Bucky would drop dead 15 seconds ago.

"Who the fuck are you? What are you doing in my apartment? It's the fucking middle of the night!" the stranger says, almost yelling.

"I'm not a burglar!" is what Bucky answers and he totally deserves the unimpressed eyebrow raise he gets. "Which is probably what a burglar would say. But really, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—I was going to my friends place but I must've messed up the floors or something. I was going to get out as soon as I realised that something was wrong, but…"

Bucky glances down at the dog, who is still lying on its back with its tongue lolling out and demands more scratches.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Bowie?" Bucky opens his mouth to defend himself, but he frowns at the name. After a moment he realises that the man is addressing the dog. "Aren't you supposed to defend this household or something? Are you really that cheap?"

"For what it's worth, I feel pretty defeated right now," Bucky chimes in. Another annoyed glare is what he gets in return.

"It's not worth a fuck, you've broken into my apartment! At 5 in the fucking morning," the man yells, running a hand through his hair. Only now Bucky realises that he's clutching a big and heavy-looking book in his other hand.

"I didn't actually break in! I found the key under the mat!" Bucky says.

It catches the man off guard. For a moment he just stands there, his brows furrowed and his cheeks go a bit red. It doesn't last long though.

"Well, that's my bad, but why would you even look for it?"

"Cause my friend hides her key for me there, too. Look, man," Bucky tries and scrambles to get up. His legs protest when he stands up but he is able to suppress a whine. "I'm really sorry. I'm tired as shit, I just finished my shift and up until this point I was convinced that my friend lives at number 16. I really didn't mean to disturb you. I really wanted to go but at first I was worried your dog's gonna eat me alive and then I couldn't deny him the scratches. If that's any consolation, it was the best part of my day. Playing with your dog, not breaking in here."

A winning smile appears on the man's face. "So you do admit you broke in here!" His tone and expression is significantly less murderous than before so Bucky dares to roll his eyes in response. "Let's say I believe you. I don't think I've ever heard about someone breaking into a stranger's home by accident but let's say that's true."

"It is! Also, just out of curiosity—you wanted to knock me out with that book?" Bucky feels the urge to ask.

"Still might," the man points out, grabbing the book tighter.

Bucky might be imagining things but he thinks there's a ghost of a smile dancing in the corner of the blond's mouth. Or maybe he just becomes delirious from exhaustion.

"Then you'd be able to tell people you've defeated a burglar with the power of literature," Bucky jokes. As soon as it leaves his mouth, he hears how lame it sounds but he blames his tired brain for that. And the handsome stranger, who seems to dampen his ability to think even more.

The handsome stranger who, surprisingly, let's out a chuckle in response to Bucky's horrible efforts at… whatever he is currently doing. Is he really trying to flirt with a man into who's flat he's barged in at 4 in the morning?

After thinking about it for a moment, he realises that it can be the case. Which is another argument in favour of the fact that at such an hour he's a danger to society. And to himself, especially.

"I wouldn't have to do that if Bowie at least pretended to be a guard dog and not a slut for belly rubs," the man says. The dog gets up after hearing his name and trots over to his owner, his tongue still dangling happily from his mouth. The stranger only sighs, but it's obvious he's not really mad as he starts scratching the dog behind his ears.

"You named your dog Bowie?" Bucky raises an eyebrow. "Like, after David Bowie, the artist?"

"No, after James Bowie, the botanist," the man says without batting an eyelash. Bucky's not sure if he's being serious. After a few seconds a smirk appears on the stranger’s face in response to Bucky’s confusion.

Despite looking like an angel, the man seems to be such a little shit. Bucky would be lying to himself if he said he’s not into it.

“OK, it’s lovely chatting with you, burglar—”

“It’s Bucky,” Bucky interrupts.

“What?” the man furrows his brows in confusion.

“My name’s Bucky. Not burglar, I thought we’ve settled that already.”

The man rolls his eyes but the smile still lingers on his face. God, it’s such a pretty smile. And such a handsome face.

“Bucky,” the man repeats.

Bucky loves the sound of his name rolling out of the stranger’s tongue. He wonders if it’s socially acceptable to ask out the person into who's flat you’ve broken in? 

He’s afraid it’s not. 

It’s a real shame.

“I’d really like to go back to sleep if you don’t mind,” the stranger continues, probably oblivious to Bucky’s internal torment. “Will you be OK, though? I can call you a cab or something. Who knows if you won’t mistake the apartments again. And others might not be as nice about it as I am.”

“I’m glad it was your I stumbled upon, then,” Bucky says, smiling his most charming smile.

Once again, the blond tries to pretend that he’s utterly annoyed but his cheeks are totally blushing. Bucky’s smile widens with pride.

“I might be nice but I’m not the most patient person, just so you know,” the stranger warns. “And I really like my sleep so please stop depriving me of it.”

“Oh, sure. I’m sorry, I really am. I promise I didn’t do it on purpose, I’ll leave you alone, sorry.”

As much fun he’s having flirting with the guy, he really is sorry for waking him up and disturbing his peace in general. So he takes a step back and unlocks the door.

“You sure, you’ll be OK?” the man comes closer, his eyes looking at Bucky with no anger left in them. Bucky even sees a bit of concern there.

“Yeah, don’t worry. It’s probably just the wrong floor or something, I’ll manage. Thanks, though.”

“It’s OK,” the man smiles. His hand rests on the side of the door as he leans against it a bit. “Try not to torment anyone else. Or at least wait till morning.”

Bucky ducks his head and laughs at that. He sticks his hands into his pockets, still hovering outside the stranger’s apartment.

“Again, I’m really sorry. I hope you’d still get some sleep,” Bucky says, sincerely. “And thanks for not calling the cops on me or something.”

“Don’t need them, I have the power of literature, remember?”

Bucky’s grin grows so big his cheeks start to hurt. Maybe it’s possible for good things to happen at such ungodly hours, after all.

“How could I forget?” After a moment Bucky feels bold enough to ask, “Do I deserve to get your name?”

“You don’t deserve shit, jerk,” the blond says but his smile matches Bucky’s. “Come back at a reasonable time and we’ll see about that. And use the damn doorbell, for fuck’s sake.”

It is hard not to get his hopes up after hearing what he has just heard. Bucky bites at his lower lip, trying to tame his smile a bit. At this point, he’s pretty sure he’s gonna wake up any time now, passed out on Natasha’s couch or behind the bar, back at work. It all seems too good to be true. The beautiful, sassy man standing in front of him, barefoot, in just his boxer briefs and a loose t-shirt, with his cheeks red and hair messy is definitely too good to be true. 

“OK, I can do that,” Bucky says, taking a step back. "Sorry again and have a good night. Or what's left of it. Bye, it was nice meeting you. And you too, Bowie."

The dog barks happily, bumping his head into Bucky's leg as Steve shushes him.

"Hush, you big lug, let's not wake any more people, OK?" the man says to the dog, pushing him back inside. "Goodnight, Bucky."

They exchange one last lingering look and a smile before Steve closes and locks the door. Bucky just stands there for a second. He lets out a little chuckle under his breath and runs a hand through his hair, still not sure if any of that actually happened. Finally, he turns around and climbs another flight of stairs, trying to figure out Natasha's actual address. When he gets to the floor above the handsome stranger's apartment, he halts to a stop and blinks in disbelief.

Because the door he is standing in front of now has the number 16 on them. He actually goes halfway down the stairs and leans over the barrister to glance at the floor below. He is not hallucinating. Both flats can’t have the same number but somehow they do. Bucky walks back up the stairs and glares at the door. He really doesn't want to walk into someone else's apartment again. He got lucky once but that doesn't mean he's not gonna get arrested at some point.

The more he stares at the little silver number, the more convinced he is that there's something wrong with it. The "1" and "6" are not lined up properly, it's almost as if…

Furrowing his brows, Bucky nudges the "6" with his finger. It swings from side to side. On closer inspection, he notices a small hole above the number. When he turns it all the way up, the hole aligns perfectly with the matching one on the number “6”

Or a "9" actually. Bucky lets out a tired sigh and rubs his face with his free hand. After over 3 years, Bucky finally discovers that his friend lives in apartment 19 and can't be bothered to fix a damn number on her door. Which maybe she should, in case some idiot mistakes the apartment for the one below.

To be honest, he's not even that mad. For one, he is too exhausted to muster any more emotions. And two, meeting Natasha's handsome neighbourhood might've shaken him a bit and Bucky's pretty sure it'll take him a while to stop thinking about their encounter. Not that he wants to stop thinking about it.

He bends down, retrieving the key from under the mat and this time he checks the inside of the apartment before he walks in. He's pretty sure it's Natasha's, but better safe than sorry. He takes off his shoes and smiles dreamily at the sight of a familiar couch, calling to him from the living room. His heart warms when he notices that after his text earlier Natasha left him a pillow and his favourite blanket ready. Quietly, he walks to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He leaves his clothes on the floor and sinks into the couch in just his boxers. It takes him about 0.2 seconds to fall asleep.

The smell of coffee fills the air and that’s what wakes Bucky up. When he blinks his eyes open, he sees Natasha sitting cross-legged on the coffee table in front of him. She waves her hand above the cup she’s holding, sending the coffee scent his way.

“Good morning, James,” she smiles at him. “I figured that midday is a reasonable time to wake you.”

“Thanks,” Bucky says and returns the gesture. 

He sits up just a bit and reaches for the cup with his right hand. Natasha snorts and swats at it.

“You’re crazy. That’s mine,” she gets up and walks away, ignoring Bucky’s whine. “You can get yourself some from the kitchen, if you want.”

“You’re at the same time the best and the worst person I know,” Bucky grumbles but stands up to walk towards the kitchen, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.

Natasha beams at him as if that’s the best compliment she ever heard. “Thank you!”

There’s indeed more coffee waiting for him and Bucky pours himself a cup, cradling it in his hands with a blissed smile.

“When did you get here last night? I fell asleep at two and you weren’t there yet.”

“I have no idea. It must’ve been around five,” Bucky says, taking a sip of his coffee.

Natasha shakes her head in disapproval. “I swear to god, you have to find a new job. They’re making you stay later and later every day and you’re exhausted before you even get there, that’s such bullshit.”

“Maybe, but the money’s good,” Bucky shrugs and then says before he can bite his tongue. “But I finished half past three yesterday, so it wasn’t that bad.”

He realises his mistake the moment Natasha narrows her eyes at him. “Then where were you for an hour and a half?”

“Um, what?” Bucky asks, trying to play dumb. He knows that Natasha won’t be fooled but it will at least buy him some time. “Maybe I remember it wrong, I didn’t really check the time when I got here so it could’ve been earlier.”

“Did you get into a fight? Did you finally punch Brock? Nah, you’d be bruised after that though. No offense.” Bucky leaves the kitchen but she walks after him. She gasps theatrically. “Did you finally get laid?”

“You’re obsessed with Brock and my sex life. It’s alarming.”

Rolling her eyes she plops down on the couch before he can do the same. “I just really think that ‘he’s my boss’ is too weak of an argument not to punch the guy and if you don’t do that on the day you quit I’m gonna disown you. And I really want you to be happy and satisfied. In every meaning of that word.”

“You’re horrible. In every meaning of that word.”

“Heard that already, you have to work on your insults,” Natasha nudges him. “Go shower, loser. We’re going out for lunch.”

Bucky doesn’t even argue with her. Lunch—or breakfast in his case—sounds like a great idea, actually. Before he gets to the bathroom, he stops by Natasha’s closet. There’s one whole shelf dedicated to all the clothes and random crap he’d left at Natasha’s place on various occasions. It’s really helpful for when he crashes at her place and it saves him from wearing beer-stained jeans for example.

When he's showered, dressed and ready he joins Natasha back in the living room. As soon as he walks in, she sends him the same expectant look she's had before. Bucky should know she's not gonna let this whole thing go so quickly. Ignoring her for a moment, he retrieves his wallet and phone from the pile of clothes he'd left by the couch the night before.

"You know the, um. The guy that lives below you?" he starts, conversationally.

"Steve? Yeah, I've met him a few times. Nice guy," Natasha says, matching his tone but he can hear the smirk in her voice without even looking her way. "Why?"

Bucky busies himself with folding the dirty clothes which is absolutely pointless except for the fact that it lets him avoid looking at his friend. "I kind of… met him last night."

"Oh really?"

When Bucky finally turns, Natasha waggles her eyebrows at him with the most obnoxious smile he’s ever seen. Bucky just rolls his eyes.

“First of all, do you know that the number on your door is misleading because the ‘9’ is broken?” Bucky asks.

“Yeah, I know. I like it better that way. It has more character this way. How is this rele—” she pauses, furrows her brows and then starts laughing. “You really thought I live at 16 didn’t you? Oh my god, did you—”

She doesn’t even finish and starts laughing even harder. Bucky really does hate her sometimes.

“I can’t believe you broke into his apartment in the middle of the night,” Natasha wipes an actual tear from her cheek. “Did he beat you up? He’s totally the type to do that, I’ve once driven him to the hospital with a broken nose after a fight he started.”

“I— He what?” Bucky asks. Natasha just shrugs in response. Bucky realises he’s not that surprised, he can totally imagine such a scenario after his encounter with the guy. “He didn’t beat me up. Wanted to, though. He also keeps his key under the mat and I was really tired so it took me a while to notice I wasn’t at your place. Also, he has a really friendly dog.”

Natasha hums, sending him another amused look. “So you’ve spent over an hour playing with his dog at 4 in the morning?”

“Basically? I was worried the dog was going to eat me but he just wanted belly rubs. The guy was more likely to eat me for waking him up and barging into his flat.”

“Oh, I bet he’d like to eat you,” Natasha cackles and heads for the door. “I like your style, Barnes. Breaking and entering is a rather unusual way of flirting but I totally approve.”

“You’re a horrible person and an awful friend,” Bucky says, walking out of the apartment after her.

“You still love me.”

That part is true but Bucky is not going to admit it out loud.

They walk out of the building together and just because the Universe hates Bucky, as soon as they walk out the front door, he hears a bark. Something big, bright and fluffy starts running towards him.

“Oh,” Bucky says as the dog bumps his head against Bucky’s hand. He automatically starts petting him. “Hello there, Bowie.”

“So now you’re gonna steal my dog in broad daylight, too?”

Looking up, Bucky sees the handsome neighbour already looking at him with a smirk. His eyes are even bluer and brighter in the sunshine and Bucky forgets about trying to defend himself for a moment. Before he manages to reply, the man turns to Natasha and his cocky smirk turns into a friendly smile.

“Hi, Nat,” he says. “So you’re the mysterious friend of Mister Burglar here?”

“Hi, Steve. Yeah, unfortunately I am,” she answers, grinning at Bucky, who just rolls his eyes.

“You won’t let it drop, will you?” he sighs looking from Natasha to Steve. “It wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of compassion for a man who was tired after a long night at work and got a tiny bit mistaken.”

“If your tiny mistakes lead to crime, I don’t want to know how your big ones turn out,” Steve says, making Bucky groan.

He’s not really mad, he’s pretty sure Steve is just messing with him, if the smile on his face is any indication. But Bucky can play along. Especially, if that means making the pretty smile stay where it is.

“He’s a lost cause,” Natasha agrees.

“I don’t understand why Bowie likes him so much. He’s usually a good judge of character but everyone can be wrong sometimes.”

After that, Bucky crouches in front of the dog who tries to lick at his face. “You are right, though, aren’t you? Such a good boy, way smarter than those two dimwits there, right? We’re gonna dump them and become best friends, aren’t we?”

Bowie barks happily. Bucky hopes it’s because he agrees with what Bucky’s saying and not just because he’s getting more backrubs.

When Bucky glances up, he notices that Steve is watching them both with a soft smile on his face. He has to look back at Bowie to hide the blush that creeps up his face for some reason.

“I hate to break your moment,” Natasha says, nudging Bucky with her knee lightly. “But I really am hungry and from what I remember, we were supposed to go for lunch. Want to join us, Steve?”

Bucky’s heart skips a bit and he can’t help the hopeful look he sends Steve’s way. Unfortunately, the man shakes his head.

“Sorry, I have some work to do and I won’t be free for another hour,” he answers. He looks down at Bucky when he adds, “Maybe next time.”

When they just gaze at each other for a moment, it’s Natasha who finally snorts and says, “Yeah, next time. It was nice bumping into you, Steve. I bet Bucky would like to bump into you some more but we gotta go.”

“Tasha!” Bucky gasps, horrified but she only laughs. Steve blushes and looks away after her words.

“Yeah, I gotta go, too. Have fun,” Steve says, whistling at Bowie who obediently follows him to the door.

“See you round!” Bucky yells a bit too loudly and gets one more smile before Steve and his dog disappear inside the building.

He stares at the closed door for another moment. Natasha sighs, grabs his elbow and starts dragging him down the street.

“You really are a hopeless cause,” she says with fond exasperation.

The lunch with Natasha is nice. They go to their favourite bistro just two blocks away and spend over an hour catching up and chatting about nothing in particular. After that Natasha has to come by the office she works at to get some documents, so they make plans to meet up later that week and part ways. Natasha goes to the office and Bucky goes home.

Or at least that was the plan.

Because for some reason Bucky finds himself standing in front of apartment number 16 in Natasha’s building. There’s no reason for him to be here. Steve said he had work to do. On the other hand, he said he would be free in an hour. But then again, he doesn’t necessarily have to be home right now.

There’s also no reason for Bucky to be feeling as stressed as he does right now and yet here he is. He takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. Immediately, he can hear Bowie’s barking at the noise.

A moment passes. Then another. Just as Bucky is about to leave, the door opens and Steve’s face appears from behind it.

“Look who’s learned how to use a doorbell,” he teases but his smile is bright and there’s no real bite to his words.

“You say that but I doubt you’d appreciate it if I rang the doorbell at 4AM,” Bucky points out.

“Probably not.”

A moment passes. Bucky bites at his lower lip, trying to get a grip on himself.

“I came to apologise again with hope we could start over?” he says.

Steve leans against the doorframe which brings him closer to Bucky. There’s a light blush on his pale cheeks. Bucky feels a bit weak in the knees.

“Maybe,” Steve shrugs with his left shoulder.

“OK, then,” Bucky nods. “Hi, I’m Bucky. It’s nice to meet you. I was wondering if you’d agree to go for a coffee with me? Or a dinner, if coffee isn't your thing?”

“I’m Steve. And I’m completely fine with either. It’s really nice to meet you in those completely normal circumstances, too.” Steve grins and Bucky can’t help but to mirror the gesture. “Now, should I get my jacket or was the invite just hypothetical?”

Bucky starts to shake his head before Steve even finishes the sentence, “It is very real, if you’re free right now.”

The light coming from the window in the living room is not much but enough for Bucky to realise that there's a dog. A big dog is standing in the middle of the hallway, its head cocked to the side as it watches Bucky. It's fair and huge, a golden retriever if Bucky was to guess.

Title: Apartment 16

Creator(s): niallhoranbitches

Card number: 065

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27296590

Square filled: C2 - Natasha Romanoff

Rating: Teen and Up

Archive warnings: None

Major tags: Meet Cute, No Powers AU, Pre-Serum Steve

Summary:

"Finally, he sees the longed-for number 16 on the door in front of him and bends to retrieve the key. Luckily, it's still there. Bucky thinks about the fact that in just a few minutes he'll finally be able to lay down, fall asleep and forget about the dull ache in all of his muscles for a few hours. It's a very nice thought. It makes him let out a small, happy sigh as he opens the door and sneaks into the dark apartment.

It wouldn’t be weird if Bucky just ignored the fact that Natasha did not have a dog."

Word count: 5045

[bellamygateoldblog]

i will never be over the way this show has continuously tried to frame bellamy and clarke as heroes and good people, or the way the fandom has almost completely embraced and supported that narrative

the amount of times i’ve read “[clarke] saved everyone’s ungrateful asses” makes me seriously consider turning evil. like aren’t y’all bored? don’t you have a different sentence you would like to say for a change?

i want to talk about this but i probably don’t remember a lot of the details of this show so if im forgetting something or get something wrong i apologise, but i never have any desire to rewatch past s2.

clarke isn't even the hero of her own side, she took power of them using the military force of the grounders, someone else’s people, she’s forced them into alliances without their knowledge that weren’t in their best interest (while she literally had no idea what they were even going through because she’d abandoned them after upsetting their entire political structure, and this leader she’s bowing to is responsible for the slaughter of their children, has broken an alliance previously with them, has hung the threat of genocide over their heads, and who isn’t even wanted in power by her own people- dragging skaikru into that conflict, too), she’s sacrificed them and what’s best for them in order to cater to/concentrate on the grounders newest demands or pursue her own personal mission, she’s lied to and patronised them, she’s abandoned them and surrendered them to die while they were under her protection and responsibility, and in Book 2 (and these aren’t her people but in canon she’s their leader anyway apparently despite trying to blow them all up a few days before...) she’s abandoned them again, and is speaking for them without consent or any connection to what’s happening with them again,.........her inner circle/her ‘friends’ have to be extremely careful to remain important to her or on her team or they’ll be sacrificed, harmed or become acceptable losses to whatever her newest goal is too (but hey at least she says she cares about them) all while acting very ‘woe is me’ about the whole crushing weight of responsibility she shouldn’t have.

but she’s the hero, she’s beloved, she’s special, she has relationships that were never built, she and only she saved everyone again and has all the lines telling us so no matter how dishonest those statements are.

like this is where i personally see what you said in your ask most: when it concerns clarke.

bellamy on the other hand...i don’t place him at all on the same level as clarke when it comes to this. clarke has privilege that bellamy just never had as a character. and i think that does probably play into why i like him.

him being a hero to the delinquents/the 48 is completely believable to me. he was the original leader, he got them through a tough time, he chose to put himself on the line for them, and he’s the one who stayed. i also think it’s reasonable that fandom might romanticise him this way because he is one who has been shown to value the one life as well as the many of his people, a guy doing his best and making big mistakes along the way, a mixed complex bag of good and bad, i find him very likable and i love the toxic/pained/vulnerable ones lol but more than anything i find him to be one of the more interesting/entertaining characters on the show (Book 1).

we also see him torment himself with his own mistakes instead of just having other people do it for him/remind him like we see happen with clarke- and we all know fandom loves equating that with a “redemption arc” and as much as i personally dislike seeing pity parties i do like self-awareness and responsibility in characters that goes beyond a 3-second-long puppy dog look or straight dismissal of someone else’s pain, and for the most part bellamy’s expressions of this don’t come across as demanding sympathy from others but from genuine self-loathing and an honesty to himself, internalising the effects of his actions/childhood.

i know i personally prefer The Flawed Protector over The Tortured Saviour nobody asked for (same white male hypocritical moral hero in a woman’s body).

i don’t believe in assigning “hero” to any of them though like that’s the whole entire point of the show lol “there are no good guys.” and i also think a major chunk of fandom/shippers have warped bellamy’s character so much that it isn’t even him anymore, so this man they’re celebrating as a hero/good person isn’t even bellamy sometimes.

all of the genuinely “good” and kind people are dead.

i don't think i'd say bellamy was ever framed as a hero. like he was just never important enough to be, he’s just not put into those positions (despite being the male lead), clarke is. as the protagonist ig. bellamy...he’s the protector/knight of the heroes, but not the actual hero himself (applies to octavia too i think, where she acts and he reacts).

like take mount weather, clarke becomes empowered by her “wanheda” status, bellamy’s (and monty’s) part in that is lost...clarke is “bearing it so they don’t have to” (rme) which simultaneously strips the other boys from claiming the ‘victory’ of saving the 48 while still leaving them with the guilt, like it suits how i see clarke perfectly that she’s the only one to refer to the genocide (and shutting down the CoL, i realised) as “i” while monty and bellamy say “we” and it was clarke’s actions that got them to that point in the first place, but this is one of those times she’s clearly The Protagonist. if that makes sense lol.

bellamy is on the opposite side to clarke in s3 and s7 and he needs to be moved to her side in order to be on the ‘right’ one. now i don’t agree with that one bit mind you (when it comes to s3, idc about s7 lol) and i didnt see it that way but imo that’s how the show wrote it, to the point he was either demonized endlessly by fandom or woobified in a way that denied him his own agency. during s5 i don’t i think anyone was framed in a good light. i can see this applying in s6, though- where he was his absolute worst self yet, betraying his own development, failing at every point to “do better” despite claiming it, but still was given that reasurring line that they did better and saved people and was in that “heroic” position i guess? but is that because he was back to being clarke’s “good little knight” tho? (but do we claim s6??? do we really??? do we claim it ladies???)

s6 was 100% dedicated to making clarke look good/like a 'good' or sympathetic person. the bodysnatching plot (and the s6 sheidheda plot because if it was supposed to be about bellamy and address his s5 actions he would’ve been present to experience/observe those consiquences himself but he wasn’t lmaoooo. instead it was to tell the audience ‘actually clarke was right last season and here’s another reason to feel bad for her and how those ungrateful bitches were treating her’) has no other purpose for existing. clarke's character has consistently been elevated at the expense of everyone else's. but im not sure the writing did a very good job convincing me she was a good person if it was trying to do that LMAO like my interpretation of her is so fitted to canon, and no amount of throwaway lines telling me how good she is did anything to change what i saw yk? and in s6, combined with being patronised by the writers, i found her to be at some of her most obnoxious.

i don’t agree with placing bellamy and clarke in the same boat tbh. like they just come from completely different places and come across differently, especially in the way they interact with other characters.

in my experience this fandom (on tumblr) is extremely skewed in favour of clarke, like ive never seen a fandom so obsessed with their protagonist. there’s A LOT of clarke stans who stan her for being one of those “deserves better :(” characters, selfless and heroic, and support that view that she’s the superior character, entitled to other character’s devotion, love and validation yet doesn’t have to reciprocate any of it. the CL/BC ship war was just a bunch of people fighting over clarke, who deserves her more, which character is more toxic to her, which other character would 100% be her bff supportive of that relationship, treating her as a passive whose actions don’t take affect. im not sure how much i blame the writing for that because if so many of us are capable of recieving her character in this way then...why aren’t so many other people? how is there such a massive disconnect between the ways we see her?

and imo a lot of the bellamy love in this fandom comes from shipping him with clarke too rather than being because of who he actually is.