#Never knew that there was a full release. Good to know the yuri anime came back in full speed and power to my mind

[nighttide-yuri]

Full soundtrack of "The executioner and her way of life"

(Disk 1 and 2 of the OST)

[whyqueerbaitingisbad]

movies & shows

cracks knuckles* alright this is going to be more of a rant than an analysis because i’m basing this on both my research, but also how it felt to personally be baited by these shows. there are obviously more pieces of bad (almost every horror movie) and good ones but these are the ones i’ve watched.

please keep in mind that i am but one queer and everyone has different opinions.

Supernatural (CW) 2005

This show is 15 years old and just ended. From season 5 till 15, there has been tension between two of the lead characters. They were constantly shipped together and not only did the entire fandom know about this ship but so did almost all of Tumblr. On top of that, the actors and show runners knew about it as well. Which is why it makes it ridiculous that it was constantly pushed aside while the romantic coding  kept happening, even after show runners dismissed it as being intentional. The Destiel (Dean x Cas) case has been going on for years, and as the show came to its end, many fans had hope. But N O P E. Instead, we got a love confession from Cas where Dean looked like he was near constipated and the Cas was killed and sent into a fiery place that was not hell but s u p e r  h e l l.

… w hy.

Sherlock (BBC) 2010

Just like Supernatural, this show was renown on Tumblr for not only how good it was, but its hinting at a potential relationship between Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. But again, like Supernatural, the intentional tension between the two characters was denied by producers. This caused an uproar within the fandom, and even left some people believing that, after the last season aired, it had been a joke and the producers were hiding a “secret, unaired season” because they had felt so robbed by this show that had implied something and denied it.

The 100 (CW) 2014

We got lesbians. We got background gays. We were happy. Then, all of a sudden, one of them is killed for no reason. Did it advance the plot? No. Was she fighting and died in battle? lol no. She was doing literally nothing and got shot and died. And then the producers kept bringing her back once a season in the form of a ghost or illusion because why? Because she was a fan favourite queer character. ✨bury your gays and sparingly bring them back for profit anyone?✨

Voltron: Legendary Defender (Netflix) 2016

*deep breathe* This one is a special disaster. Not only was there romantic tension and romantically coded scenes for 7 seasons, but producers, voice actors and artists working on the show repeatedly said “don’t worry klance (Keith x Lance) shippers, you’ll be happy”

. … w h e r e??? You code one of their scenes with a sunset in the background while they talk about love and then one of them goes on a date with someone who has declined his advances for 7 seasons but now in season 8 decides to do a full 180. Not only that, but you announce at a Comic Con (a convention) that a character is gay and has a fiancé, only to kill off the fiancé and never make it explicit in the show except at the last second of the last episode where he marries a no name character. 

Personally, i’d like to say a big fuck you to the show that strung me along for 2 years and never stopped saying we’d be happy to then pull the rug out from under us and call us crazy for thinking anything from the past 8 seasons was intentional.

Scooby-Doo (2002) 

While not being outwardly queerbaiting, this movie’s filmmaker has just revealed some shocking news, which wasn’t at all shocking to the gays who had watched this movie over the years. In July of 2020, James Gunn, the filmmaker of Scooby-Doo, revealed in a podcast that, initially, Velma was explicitly gay in his script, but then the studio watered it down until it became nothing. This isn’t an example of baiting as much as it is changing a character’s initial design to “better fit an audience”. The worst part of all this is that with Velma’s character having been written with a l i t t l e queer subtext, people had been theorizing about if since the movie came out, but were always yelled at by the internet for “imagining something that isn’t there”. But now, even with it being said that the initial point was for her to be gay, people have no objections to still refusing to accept it. Why?? So we can’t get the subtext gays OR the confirmed gays?? Make it make sense.

Brooklyn 99 (NBC) 2013

To have the queer characters firstly introduced without mentioning their sexualities and have it brought up naturally was so goddamn nice to see, because no one does a big deal about it unless they ask for that. This show is amazing in general but the way they show their queer characters is *chefs kiss*.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power (Netflix) 2018

This. Show. My heart SOARS. It's just a remake of an old show so absolutely nothing was ever expected, but then it was sprinkled in and ENDED WITH A BANG. And it was so beautiful and real to see the struggle of two friends who care for each other and want to be together but have different visions of the world fall in love. And they also had characters with disabilities, a non-binary character and jUST SUCH A GOOD SHOW.

Kipo and The Age of Wonderbeasts (Netflix) 2020

This is a case where you go into it not expecting anything and are BLOWN AWAY by the bare minimum. And not because it’s bad!! It's mind blowing because this is the simple representation we need!! Not something over the top, but an every day relationship. It’s just two boys falling in love and going on dates and being nervous around each other, yet i was so stunned. Because it’s not shown enough. I should not be this excited over something that should be this normal. 10/10 though this show is so good for all kinds of representation.

Steven Universe (Cartoon Network) 2013

This show did so much for queer representation with its general message of loving everyone and loving who you want. Especially since it was aired on Cartoon Network, a channel for kids, it was able to help normalize something so looked down upon in some circles. It made it easy to watch for s o m e people because it's a cartoon but it's so beautiful to see these ladies so in love with each other, both platonically and romantically and we see them have a family dynamic that isn’t a “nuclear family”. Rebecca Sugar (creator) really said “lemme just break all stereotypes real quick”.

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network) 2010

It's the “knowing a fanbase shipped something so hard that the creators made it canon” for me. This relationship had been theorized by fans for years, but it had never been explicit in the show. When the finale episode came out and the two shared a kiss, it was a moment of celebration. The producer of the show said that it had not really been planned but when the episode was being made, the choice of what happened was given to one of the artists (bless your soul Hanna K. Nyströmthe). And as the show releases little bonus episodes, its latest was centered around Marceline and Bubblegum and their relationship. AND WE LOVE TO SEE OUR DOMESTIC LESBIANS BEING HAPPY AND IN LOVE.

Yuri on Ice!!! (anime) 2016

The fact that an A N I M E gave us a love story between two men is mind boggling and it makes me so happy!! Especially because it's a Japanese show and they’re very conservative about these things just makes it more emotional. The creators said they wanted to make the anime take place in a world where gay/straight isn’t a thing, it’s just love (ladies, you’re going to make me cry). So as the weekly episodes came out and fans start speculating, THEY GAVE US THE LAST FEW EPISODES FULL OF ROMANCE AND EMOTIONAL SCENES BETWEEN THE TWO AND THEN THEY GET R I N GS?!???!! You watch for the figure skating, you stay for the figure skaters that are in love.

Shadowhunters (Freeform) 2016

*insert me being frustrated that the actors are straight so we can move on from that disappointment*

This show really said “let’s name a whole episode after this couple because they deserve it”. But seriously, they gave us two characters whose entire plot does not center around their sexualities while still showing us the differences in a relationship between someone experienced and someone new at this. They were both powerful and amazing characters apart from each other, with their own story lines and goals but they loved each other so much omgs. SO MUCH. 

It was so great to watch.

Love, Simon (2018) 

There’s a lot of disagreement on whether this movie is good representation or not. However, we need to take into consideration that this was Hollywood’s first movie with a main character that was gay, where the story’s focus was on Simon’s love story. The biggest problem, for me at least, was that the actor playing Simon is a straight man and not queer. My problem is not with him, but the fact that there are other actors that are gay and that could have played Simon just as well. (the love interested was however played by a queer actor so ✨progress✨)

All in all, this movie does represent what a lot of queer kids have to go through: being outed at school, how they then come out, the bullying and doubt they go through.

The book is also really good.

Call Me By Your Name (2018)

This movie is so aesthetically pleasing and was able to capture the confusion and heartbreak felt by a boy who’s struggling with his own feelings towards a man. His inner conflict and joy and l o v e he feels but doesn’t know how to deal with is so well communicated through the screen and just breaks your heart because it feels so real.

But again, they could’ve gotten gay actors to play gay characters…

through having this list here, i want to show you that it’s not hard for creators to give good queer representation. the LGBTQ+ community isn’t asking for much, we just want to be well represented on screen as just a regular character, not some token queer kid there for the diversity points. having been exposed to so much queerbaiting and just not seeing any representation on screen, i always get over-excited when i see a queer character, and that’s not how it should be. it should be a normal thing, something you can find in most pieces of media, just like there’s a straight white cisgender person in everything.

and they seriously need to start casting queer actors for queer characters...

[shinebrite97]

Welcome Back to The Devildom - Part 2

Read part 1 here

The cell was in the Demon Lord’s castle. Yuri remembered it from the tour she and the other exchange students received during their retreat earlier in the school year. Barbatos unlocked the door, standing by and letting her enter, smiling apologetically as he locked it between them. Placing his hand up to the bar, he waited until she reciprocated. 

“Don’t get this wrong, Yuri,” He said. “We are very happy to see you again...We just never imagined it would be like this.”

Yuri had a lot of time to reflect on her actions. With no knowledge of how long her case would take, and only the routine visit of a lil helper D who brought her food to keep time, She found herself keeping the hours in mind by pacing the length of her cell. Internalizing the choice she’d made, remembering each and every moment of the life she lived when she came to in the Human Realm. She’d been placed right where she’d been taken the first time. Halfway between home and work, where she’d been stopped by the handsome man asking her for directions. Her own naivete astounded her now. She had no problem offering to walk with the stranger to his destination, knowing it to be close to her job. 

She felt like she’d just woken up from a long nap, feeling a bit dizzy and disoriented. The sun was too bright, and a big void in her memory made her feel like she was forgetting something huge, but with no idea what that was, she’d chosen to go back home and call in sick. 

Her family didn’t know what to make of her. She’d been a missing persons case for a full year, after seven months without a trace, they accepted her death, holding a candle-light service for her and attempting to move on. It was bad enough that she was now back with no warning, but the fact she couldn’t tell them where she’d been or remember anything made things more dire. 

The community hated her, thinking she’d run off with someone and things fell through so she came back home with her tail between her legs. The community hated her family, expecting them to repay all the support they’d received, and judging them when they didn’t. 

No one knew how to act around her. No one recognized the version of her that returned. 

And then the dreams started. 

Glimpses of white hair, the smell of spicy sauce and dusty libraries and collagen face masks, the sound of someone’s laughter, the feel of cold buttons on stiff gray material, or the crushed velvet of a red shoulder cape. It never meant much to her, but she wrote down every detail she could. Trying in vain to remember something that was just out of her mind’s reach. 

And then she started drawing pentagrams. 

Her parents came to the conclusion that she’d been taken by a cult and brainwashed or tortured. They put her in therapy and took her to church, but none of their efforts stopped her. 

It was the night her mother found her tome on demonology and threatened her with psychiatric lockdown that Yuri knew she had to leave.

She’d stolen a car, drove it to the border of town, and left it in favor of walking into the next one. Between busses and trains, she ended up in the next state, stealing money where she could to afford some room for rent close to a strip club, the easiest job a woman her age could get, and made a life for herself in three months. 

In some cynical way, she was proud of herself. Once she came to terms with the truth that she had, quite literally, made it to hell and back, she did her best to make good on her promise to them. To commit enough sins to return a legend. 

All she could do now was hope. 

                                            *    *    *   *    *

It was a lil D of Greed who brought her dinner after what she estimated to be three days, she smiled and asked about their day. Maintaining eye contact with the void of their face, and listening intently to the chilling rasp of their voice, a sound so inhuman that it still sent a warning through her mind, despite knowing that they were basically the same now. 

“Milord has made a decision, Milady.” They said. “You will be released tonight.” 

“Really?” They set the tray of food on the shelf of her cell and bowed their head. 

“Enjoy…” They replied. Yuri was about to ask another question, when the Lil D snapped their spindly fingers and dissipated in a mass of murky smoke, filtering through the air vent at the top of the catacomb. 

Yuri sat back against the stone wall behind her, taking a bit of the bread that went with the slice of shadow hog and the poison-marinated bat wings. 

To think I used to eat hot dogs and fries for dinner. 

Yuri stayed in the corner, taking the lil D at their word and basked in her last moments of solitude before she was released. She hummed, she sang, she thought, and she dozed following the rich meal. She wondered if Diavolo had dined on the same thing. She remembered how much he enjoyed Shadow hog, considering it wasn’t a very fancy cut of meat. 

As her mind continued to wander, she wondered about the things that hadn’t come back. Any memories that hadn’t flooded in after the first batch. 

It took her time to connect the dots. From the strange voices in her dreams, these strange, mostly featureless figures who seemed to know her, to the strange aromatics that wafted over her in the dream-world. Lavender, roses, cologne, and brimstone.

Then the names popped into her head. 

While she was in church, she’d frequently hear the name Satan, and would immediately wonder if he’d read any good books recently. When she’d read the name Leviathan in a book or online, she’d immediately think of anime, and hear the bubbling throaty chuckle of someone who wasn’t used to making such a sound.

The old copy of Lord Of The Flies that she read in high school sat on her bookshelf collecting dust, and while she skimmed the back cover one evening, she suddenly felt ridiculously hungry.

And to top it all off, the incessant pecking of a crow’s beak on her window often disrupted her normal routine, but she never really minded. 

All of these small things added up, and once the floodgates of memory opened, she cried. Saddened that she’d forgotten such an unforgettable year, with so many unforgettable people.

It wasn’t long after that she ran away.

In the three days she’d been in the Devildom, she’d have moments where she regretted her choices, wondering how her parents and brother were holding up now. Wondering if they understood why she did what she did. She felt sad, until she remembered the sound of her fathers voice blaming her for all their immediate problems. Rising medical and therapy bills, constant whispers from the neighbors and no more invitations to community events. No one wanted to be around Yuri the zombie, Yuri the cultist, Yuri the weirdo. 

In moments like that she’d instead reflect on the good times she’d had here. Shopping after class with Asmo and Satan. Napping with Mammon or Belphie in her room after a long week. Hanging out during break periods with Solomon and his Angel housemates. 

Maybe Hell won’t be so bad.

[theanimeview]

Theory: The True Voice of Yusuke Urameshi

By: Casea Mhtar, @madamekrow​

Yu Yu Hakusho is ultimately my favourite anime, to the point where I can’t bear the thought of liking an anime more than it. For example, Berserk (1997) will be my “number 1” while Yu Yu Hakusho has exceeded the list altogether because its pedestal is just that high. That is the length I must go to secure a strange sense of balance for myself and stave off yet another identity crisis for a different reason. So you can probably imagine how much chaos was thrown at me when I found out that Yusuke Urameshi’s voice actor is completely different than the one I vividly recall when I found myself rewatching the series a few weeks ago. I have a memory of my sister and I watching a single episode she had taped on VCR and we would specifically watch the credits nonstop. We were trying to memorize the song (with great success, I might add).

At the time, there was still no means of listening to the ending theme anywhere other than its source. YouTube wasn’t really a thing, and even if it was we didn’t have access to the same databases we have today. So we watched that part over and over and over again. I remember etching each image into our minds, every lyric into our internal roster of songs as it played on repeat. The names kept popping up just as they did before the last and the voice actor of Yusuke Urameshi, my favorite character, was none other than Yuri Lowenthal.

I distinctly recall thinking “Yuri, that’s a cool name” to myself as his name came up again and again. Not to be rude, but “Justin Cook” just isn’t exactly a name that would elicit such a thought from me and, indeed, never came to mind since I am certain it wasn’t in the credits of my beloved Yu Yu Hakusho VHS. 

So, in my rewatching of the show, present-day me had the initial assumption that what was going on here was a perverse version of the Mandela Effect. However, looking into it now, I feel that completely waters down my experience and doesn’t actually explain what happened. 

I mean, I can’t simply ignore my recollection as being a false memory, as every Mandela Effect is reasoned away with. No. I needed to find true reasoning for this madness. 

For the sake of convenience and for the lack of a better theory, I will settle on there being an unexplained dimensional shift. Certainly, any reasonable person could argue that I made a mistake. I simply misread the credits, maybe even pulled that name from somewhere else. Or perhaps Yuri was Yusuke’s voice actor from a different dub! But that isn’t the case as seen in this YouTube video comparing EVERYONE who has voiced Urameshi. 

undefined

So... Let’s say this was all a misunderstanding on my part. BUT THEN it didn’t just end with me incorrectly reading names in the credits over and over. I didn’t wrongly perceive the Funimation dubbing as being someone else and then call it a day. I was validated in my belief for a long period of time by outside sources.

.Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth (2006)

The overall series of .Hack// is a subject I will certainly indulge in more in the future, but for the purpose of staying on-topic, I shall restrain myself. The reason I bring it up now is because in 2006, when .Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth was released (I will always say it in full!), the protagonist--Haseo--sounded so familiar. I couldn’t quite figure it out until I saw who was credited with the voice acting. Out loud, in front of witnesses (if you count my birds), I said, “Yuri Lowenthal?. . . Wait, is that the voice of-”

I looked up his name to find he was-at that time-credited as the voice of Yusuke Urameshi. Quite a mistake that is since officially he is unlisted in the series yet multiple people around the world think otherwise, the same as me. Not only that, but updating all of Lowenthal’s pages to be credited with Haseo in addition to Urameshi. Many people had to review those pages, many people happened upon those pages and never bothered to correct them. That’s what really gets me. Sure, if my Ego was backed into a corner then yes, I can perhaps admit that my eyeballs had failed me and that’s all you’re gonna get out of me! Yet there is no copy I can find of him voicing the character online.

Could this be an example of lost media instead then? Well, no. Apparently not. Most anyone I’ve told about this believes I am confusing him with someone else. They may not remember “Justin Cook” at the top of their heads, however they are adamant about Yuri Lowenthal never, ever voicing Yusuke Urameshi. Because he didn’t... in this dimension.

Perhaps I truly am mixing him up his voice with a different character? Yuri Lowenthal is also famously the voice actor for Sasuke Uchiha in the english dub of Naruto. An extremely popular character from an anime that is surrounded by an enormous and ever growing fan base. The problem with that is, I’ve never watched Naruto. I didn’t even know Lowenthal was in any way a part of Naruto until I was somewhat adjusted into adulthood. When explaining my entire theory to a friend, I asked them if they can imagine the essence of an other-dimensional Yusuke within the voice of Haseo. 

“All I hear is Sasuke from Naruto,” They bluntly said.

I’ll be honest... That hurt more than it should have, but I swallowed my pride and looked into it since I’ve never actually heard what Sasuke sounds like.

What I begrudgingly find is that my friend was right. Again, this was the first time I had ever heard Yuri Lowenthal as Sasuke and I didn’t know that he was the voice actor until a few years prior. This entire ordeal leaves me feeling unnerved that there are so many loopholes being found in the False Memory Theory. It can’t be completely dismissed as large scale misinformation or misremembering. That is why I had to settle on the theory that there was some strange dimensional shift, even with how outlandish that sounds.

The Discovery

I don’t know when it occurred and I’m not sure how I missed it, but it happened. You would think being thrust out of your prior dimension, or being crammed into a different one, would have some sort of impact. Maybe that’s why I developed back problems during my teenage years, I can’t really say. All I can recall is the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor through the bottom of my feet when I finally found out. I was watching the DVD box set of Yu Yu Hakusho that my friend lent me and I could immediately tell something was not right. Yusuke didn’t sound anything like I remembered, the voice--the tone--was weird, his inflections were way off, it was all wrong! WRONG, I TELL YOU. So, to the internet I went only to find someone else being credited...

“Justin Cook this” and “Justin Cook that” appeared all over. There was even a video of him yelling “spirit gun” for a fan and I was still in disbelief! There was no way! This wasn’t possible! 

Apparently, in this dimension it is though, and that is a fact that I will have to live with for the rest of my life... or until reality throws me back to my own dimension. The knowledge that I will look crazy whenever I tell this story, as well as the reality that there could be more dubs out their with voices unknown. Not just voice actors, but entire animes—maybe video games, even people I thought I knew! Who knows what was left behind with Yuri Lowenthal as Urameshi! I don’t care to think about it too much. My heart is wounded enough I tell you. I already have a crippling fear of one day finding out my whole life is a lie—I don’t need to rack my brain about all of this as well.

In Conclusion,

Yuri Lowenthal was fantastic as Urameshi and I wish I could somehow put my memory into an audio clip for everyone to hear. Not so much to prove that he was better, but to solidify why my experience is very real to me. Though, if you did hear the Yusuke that I knew, I truly believe you would think it was pretty good at the very least. (Not that Justin is bad... just that it feels wrong to my beloved memory... sorry Mr. Cook.) On the bright side, Lowenthal is plenty successful and I am always rooting for him regardless. Sure, Justin Cook is my “number 1” Urameshi in this dimension, but the Yuri Lowenthal rendition that doesn’t exist in this world has exceeded the list all together in my heart. His pedestal is just too high.

What about those of you reading this? Do any of you have a similar experience? Maybe you also remember Yuri Lowenthal as Yusuke Urameshi! Let us know! (Let ME know! Please--I beg someone to find a copy if one exsists in this world. 😭) 

Happy Wednesday. I guess. Bye. 

[hoshigomi]

God of Stars//Éclair Brillant review, Hoshigumi, 2019

I may not have a real summer vacation from work, but my schedule allowed me to take a break this weekend to go down to Takarazuka to catch some of the first/second week of Hoshigumi’s God of Stars and Éclair Brillant! 

(I WILL be seeing this show more in Tokyo and I will probably/maybe be able to refine these thoughts by the time it ends there, but let’s start off with first impressions, shall we? ♡)

First thing’s first, I love Hoshigumi. That’s not a secret. It’s not that I think they can Do No Wrong it’s just that I love them even when they Do Wrong. Thankfully, this is a case where I truly BELIEVE they did no wrong. Both the show and the revue were well suited to Hoshigumi and their cast of characters, and well suited to Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi, the retiring top stars, as well. 

God of Stars

Ooh BOY. Whatever you expected when you saw this poster,  multiply that by about a thousand and you’ll maybe be a little closer to right. The English language website has released this plot blurb - feel free to read for some context, if you want! 

Tl; dr-  It’s kind of about the dangers of gentrification, it’s kind of about two idol groups vying to rise to the top, it’s kind of about loving someone despite their flaws, it’s kind of about being loved as you are, and it’s kind of about Iron Chef. It’s zany and it’s FUN and the music (some of which is by famed anime and other-things composer Hyadain) is catchy and memorable. (I have seriously had the main theme and one of the big group numbers stuck in my head all week.) I would call this the most anime play I have ever seen, and I’ve seen anime plays. I would also compare it to Om Shanti Om, if you’ve seen that. There are STACKS AND STACKS of references to new media, actual people, mythology, popular culture, and the actresses themselves (half of their characters are plays on their names, if they’re not playing someone real, like Chow Yun-fat, literally the lead actor from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)

If you’re generally a fan of comedies, slapstick, BIG group numbers, anime plays, or things that don’t take themselves too seriously, you’ll love it. It’s just pure fun.  It’s light. It’s loving. It’s energetic. It’s happy. It’s Hoshigumi. There are a few very touching scenes between characters - one in particular between Hong (Kurenai Yuzuru) and Lee (Rei Makoto), made someone within earshot of me cry every time I saw it. For me personally, this show REALLY shone in the group scenes- I never knew quite where to look (not because the main action wasn’t engaging, just because WHEREVER you looked in the group scenes, someone was making a specific, motivated, and usually HILARIOUS character choice), and I sincerely wish I could have a star angle of every actress in every big scene.  So, let’s talk about some of these actresses! 

Kurenai Yuzuru plays Hong Xing -Xing, the chef. He’s an asshole. He has a heart of gold underneath it all, but spends the majority of the play having that bit of him excavated. Again, if you’ve seen Om Shanti Om, think act II Om. I loved it. Beni does shine at this kind of thing, playing loveable assholes. The music ROCKED for her, the over the top RIDICULOUSNESS of this show is where she shines the brightest. She worked with everyone around her to create great moments for some little characters and lent her comedic timing to the whole troupe, it seemed like. I missed the depth that her role in Elbe allowed her to show, and the stillness and emotional intent she’s so heartachingly beautiful at was missing here, but that’s the show’s fault, not hers. I loved this as a taidan role. I’ll miss Beni. I can’t wait to see how her and Hong have grown by Tokyo. 

Kisaki Airi as Eileen Chow particularly kicked ass (figuratively and literally, with slipper kung-fu.) She DEFINITELY wasn’t shafted here (hooray!!) with two solos in her wheelhouse and honestly, I feel, a stronger character than Beni even got. She was spunky and sassy and she looked so damn GOOD in all her costumes. Nothing but respect for MY anime heroine, Eileen Chow. 

Hanagata Hikaru from Senka played Eric Yang of the Golden Star Group, a straight man to everyone else’s completely whack roles, unfortunately a little unremarkable (she’s so comedically GIFTED, but this role was strictly there to advance the plot.) Rei Makoto, the-soon-to-be-top star, was sweet as Lee Long Long  Dragon, Hong’s rival. He’s the classic trope of complete nerd-turned- absolute hottie, when he meets his idol (and literal idol) Christina Chang (Maisora Hitomi, next top musumeyaku). Some of the most universally appreciated humor in this show came from Lee being absolutely FLUSTERED by Christina- and it was really NICE to see these two play together as a couple. They have some SWEET SWEET moments, particularly with their scene together at the end of the play. The seeds of good chemistry are there, and they have the potential to sound really great together. I really hope they don’t sacrifice humor and personality in the long run for pure skill, but I’m optimistic. ♡) 

Yumeki Anru as Kitty, Hong’s Kind Of Girlfriend (and later Chow Yun Fat’s arm candy) was a COMPLETELY INCREDIBLE, SEXY, Sailor Moon Villain-esque nuisance- also may or may not have been directly lifted from Crazy Rich Asians.  

The boy band, Paradise Prince, made up of Kiwami Shin, Amato Kanon, Amahana Ema, Amaki Homare, leader Seo Yuria, and long suffering (but LOVING and mature and full of her own life and opinions and things to Get Done- my only complaint is I wish they let her sing more) manager Arisa Hitomi were a COMPLETE delight. If I could give them the small group ensemble award for just the sheer bullshit they were CONSTANTLY giving us, God I would.  If you didn’t know where to look in God of Stars and you defaulted to them, you’d NEVER be disappointed. From choreographing small routines on the side of the stage to taking selfies and making Tik Toks, they were 100% on all the time. (Also, sounded vocally great and looked great dancing, technical skill wise. I would honestly buy this group as a boy band. Let me know when they release their first single. I’ll buy 10.) (Distinguished performance award goes to Amato Kanon, who is Ken 3 but has the raw power of six upperclassman otokoyaku combined, and is going to be absolutely UNSTOPPABLE in a few years once she learns how to refine ALL THAT.) Kozakura Honoka, Sakuraba Mai, Mizuno Yuri, Seira Hitomi, and leader Maisora Hitomi, make up the girl group, Eclipse, who are used more for transitions and set dressing (albiet FUN set dressing), than plot devices of their own. (Sorry girls, the boys win this idol group battle.) 

Kisaragi Ren (Ren), Mao Yuuki (Mao), Miki Chigusa (Lao Hu), Kizaki Reo (Leo) (see what I’m saying about character names....?), and Shizuki Otone (Michelle) are the working class, good people from Eileen’s life who have stakes in the food hawker stalls, and GOD, they, along with the boy band and the underclassmen ensemble characters, really bring the story to life. Every one of them makes a specific character and sticks to it with care and love and humor and stakes and it’s clear and it’s big and it is, in my opinion, so Hoshigumi. (Also, the roles weren’t huge, but these were still nice for Mao Yuuki and Kisaragi Ren’s last roles in Takarazuka. They were usually together and always funny and got to be in PLENTY of the show, which is all we can ask for.) 

Tenju Mitsuki and Otoha Minori both got to flex their acting chops as Eileen’s parents. Even if I am a little sad that the two of them are now officially playing parents, they ARE old enough that that shouldn’t really be surprising. Tenju Mitsuki especially got to be funny, and Otoha Minori got to be loving and maternal, and I feel that both really milked their roles for all they could. Also, for PARENT ROLES, they were hardly shafted, so I’ll count my blessings now.  

Natori Rei, Mari Yuzumi, Hiroka Yuu, and Sazanami Reira as Demon Bull King, Princess Iron Fan, and The Bodhisattva Candraprabha and Suryaprabha respectively (y’all PLEASE look these characters up I am BEGGING you) were Beni’s family (see the show before you decide whether I’m speaking figuratively or literally) and while the show could have happened without that side plot and only a few tweaks, were a really lovely and worldly addition to the cast. It was FUN to see the Gods and People Of Legends giving context to the story and the other characters, and even more fun to see normal people interacting with them at the end of the play. 

As the newswoman and MC Vimmy, Shirotae Natsu was LITERALLY playing her character from Om Shanti Om, and was just as delightful now as she was then (and one of the times I saw the show, worked INCREDIBLY seamlessly and quickly with Beni to fix a mic issue that could have made a whole scene fruitless.) Iroha Reo was Shirotae Natsu’s assistant MC, and Shidou Ryuu was the producer, both in small but still lovingly crafted roles. Haruto Yuuho’s incredible voice was completely wasted as the silent role of cameraman, but she looked cute as hell in a beanie and glasses. Murasaki Rira as Madam Yang was an absolute joy in the back (or front) of every Golden Star Group scene, playing a little batty and a little flirty and a little spacey and a lot wild and fun. Yuunagi Ryou as Chow Yun Fat, actual Real Life Actor (and for the purposes of this play, the deciding judge of the cooking competition,) was a lot of fun if you love looking at the complete storylines people can come up with in the back of scenes, and your kind of character if you’re into the whole bad boy but also kung fu actor guy thing. Toudou Jun (Sheik Jahuli), Asamizu Ryou (Monsieur Lobchamp), and Minato Rihi (Michiba Juusaburou, NOT to be confused with Actual Iron Chef Michiba Rokusaburou) were the other chefs featured by the Golden Star Group, and MAN, they were all funny.  Toudou Jun had a particularly fleshed out take on her character, more naan jokes than I can count, and a surprising amount of heart in the group scenes with Eileen and co. Ooki Makoto as the priest had one of the best lines in the show, correcting Hong’s reading of a sign, and Otosaki Itsuki, while onstage very little, got a KILLER solo as the dragon boat singer at the start of the Singapore scene mid-show.

If you get a chance, I really recommend you see this show in person. It is a lovingly crafted, well performed, slapstick ride in an Iron Chef meets Cutthroat Kitchen vehicle. It ends with rainbow gyoza and a RAP battle, y’all. The LIFE of it is so shockingly full force in the theatre, as is the volume and the humor and the love that I think endears Hoshigumi to its fans. God of Stars is worth a watch- and even if it ends up not for you, at least you’ll be able to see you saw Naan used as a weapon in a stage fight. ♡

Éclair Brillant,

(which I learned TODAY is not called ‘Éclair Brilliant’). Is, well, Brilliant. While I wouldn't call this the best Benigumi revue in my eyes, (it's no Killer Rouge, and I am PARTICULAR to Estrellas as fair as Hoshigumi Energy goes), the fact is, everyone has different taste, and besides that, Éclair Brillant is BEYOND good. Here's a quick number by number breakdown (as it goes in my memory.) The opening is CLASSY and CLASSIC. It actually is NOT AT ALL unlike the opening to Bouquet De Takarazuka, but it's silver, not beige. The choreography and music both have moments that DEFINITELY struck me with deja vu. Something interesting is that this revue DOES NOT have a title screen/sign/marquee. I am not SURE why that is. In its place, the music starts (a low hum, very space-y), and the theatre slowly fades to complete darkness, before Kurenai Yuzuru (Beni) is illuminated from the back, the light shining through her gauzy, spacey, alien costume in a VERY cool way that made the audience all ooh and ahh, then the lights come up on her face and we begin. The theme is SWEET. Beni sounds INCREDIBLE in this part of her vocal range. Then, enter the rest of the troupe, Rei Makoto (Coto) gets her solo, Seo Yuria (Seo) and Hanagata Hikaru get time on the bridge, Kisaki Airi (Airi) gets her solo. It's all structurally sound, predictable, and good. This opening is the only place in the revue with a kyakusekiori (actresses in the aisles.) 

The opening ends, and Beni is left on the bridge for a solo number. It's playful and uptempo and and not stylistically unlike Leaning on a Lamppost from Me and My Girl, only a little more introspective and slower. She sits on the stairs to the audience for part of it and really focuses on just singing and acting and being present and it's lovely. 

From there, the curtain rises on a very pastoral, calm, almost blank stage, save for a tree, a couple outdoor tables, some underclassmen playing couples and waiters and waitresses, and Maisora Hitomi with a hat. You can tell this is going to be a dance scene immediately, and it is. (Side note: The underclassmen in this scene ROCK. They have a lot of moments of complete stillness and freezes into very fluid natural movement, and they all maintain their storylines and relations throughout. It's nice to see.) Anyway, Maisora is minding her own business and then a sudden gust of WIND blows through the beautiful scene, her hat is whisked away offstage, she briefly chases after it and then ah, gives up. She goes back to her table presumably to like continue having a normal day and mourn the loss of her hat but surprise, there is the personification of the wind itself (Coto) sitting on her table like a little wind nymph. They dance. It's beautiful. I'd say more but that's all there is to say- they dance and it IS beautiful. I think right now dance is looking like it's going to be their strength because boy, they move REAL WELL together. They're both pretty top tier dancers, and it's cool to see them move so naturally together despite having just met. Maisora also VOCALLY sounds better in this number than she did in God of Stars, in my opinion- it's a pretty, lilting slow tune that she definitely sounds good on. The dance ends with an attempted kiss and some falling feathers, and suddenly, all the people from the scene come running back on, breaking the fantasy (with the hat! They found the hat!), and Maisora ultimately runs back off with them after a pensive glance out, as if wondering if the Wind Spirit who visited her Will Ever Return. Then Coto sings some more. It’s predictably beautiful.

Cumbanchero (the start of the chuuzume, despite being only three songs into the revue) is one of my very favorite numbers in the revue, probably because I have a big ol’ Takarazuka Crush on one of the dancers, but also because it’s just really high energy and it’s danced so WELL. It starts ABRUPTLY and features Kurenai Yuzuru, Mao Yuuki, Shidou Ryuu, Kizaki Reo, Sazanami Reira, Hiroka Yuu, Yuunagi Ryou, Minato Rihi, and Amato Kanon. Man, they can all DANCE. If Coto’s Hoshigumi features these actresses in dance numbers, they’re gonna look GOOD. It’s a nice reprieve from the so far calm and pretty revue and starts to take things over to the sexier/bolder/more sensual Latin-inspired side, where a lot of the rest of the revue sits, musically. (Though like, Takarazuka “Latin” is what it is and we all know that.) Airi gets a turn in the spotlight next, singing a song I WISH I knew the title of, with either a long curly blonde wig or a short brown bob  depending on the show while Ooki Makoto and Kisaragi Ren (hell yeah) get fawned over/pawed at/pushed around by musumeyaku. It’s sensual. Also sensual (but leaning much more towards playful and flirty) is The Next Number In The Chuuzume, sung by Amahana Ema, Kiwami Shin, and Arisa Hitomi. Arisa Hitomi SPECIFICALLY sounds mature and sexy and GOOD and everything a musumeyaku learns to be when you give her a chance to grow up. Some of the kids do coupley samba around them. They’re VERY cute.  The stage goes dark and Beni, Airi, and Coto appear- they dance around each other and with each other in every combination possible while Mikkii sings on the stairs- and God, I could talk for ages about how much I love when they let Mikkii sing for duet/trio dances. She brings out all the emotion in the songs and gives the dancers so much space to play in. The END OF THE CHUUZUME is set to The Gift (by Eydie Gorme). It’s too short. The music rocks. It’s all samba stepping and teasing grinning and I loooooved it. Otherwise though, it was a very standard chuuzume. (One of my ONLY complaints about this revue is that I DO wish they took the chance to do something a little more BeniAiri. Anyone can do a Nice Chuuzume. These two have such play and humor in them, and I would have loved to see something more like Championne from Estrellas as their last chuuzume. It was still VERY solid and very good, but lacking in personalization.)

After the chuuzume, Seo comes on surrounded by eight musumeyaku (Seira Hitomi, Mizuno Yuri, Nijou Hana, Kuresaki Rino, Miyako Yuuna, Sumika Amane, Ruri Hanaka, and Ayane Miran. You didn’t expect Seo Yuria to sing Mas Que Nada with the dirtiest bass line I have ever heard, but here she is, singing it (well!). Seo sings across the bridge and it feels filthy somehow and I have NO idea what to do with it. Everyone in this number is trying to ooze sex appeal out of every pore in their body. Some of them ARE succeeding. This number makes me more uncomfortable than excited, but I think your mileage may vary here.

Ravel’s Bolero is the best number in Éclair Brilliant, and may be one of the best numbers in any revue ever. It’s very long, but I don’t think it’s long ENOUGH. There is NO singing. There is no sound from the actresses save for stepping and clapping and the occasional stomp. 

These are two pictures from the number but they don’t even BEGIN to do it justice. I am PRAYING the DVD captures it, but the real magic in this number is how groups of dancers use the stage, how they line up SHARPLY and PERFECTLY in place, how they move on and off the stage with incredible fluidity but INTENSE movements, how groups move in sync or against each other, the lighting being low and shadowy- this number was perfect. I am a HUGE sucker for loud flashy funny in your face- and this sharp, understated, stripped down dance number could have brought me to tears. This was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen in any Takarazuka show, and deserves a spot in ANY Best Of list that’s ever compiled from here on out. 

It’s hard to top Bolero, so for a tonal shift, next we have our Taidan Number/Rockette. And honestly? It’s well timed. The taidan medley is Hanagata Hikaru (not retiring), Shirotae Natsu and Yumeki Anru (ALSO not retiring), and our incredible, wonderful, brilliant taidansha, Kisaragi Ren and Mao Yuuki, singing Frank Sinatra’s That’s Life. It’s full of heart and earnesty and smiles and it’s honest and fun and these people on this stage love each other, and they love what they do, and it’s so EASY to see. Renta dances and sings with the same 200% she always gives, and Mao Yuuki takes in everything and everyone around her every time I see her do this number. It’s gonna be BRUTAL on the last day. The four upperclassmen join the rockettes for the first part of their dance (which is CUTE), and then run off to let the girls do their thing.

The rockettes end and a new set of feathers takes the stage- Beni, Airi, Maisora Hitomi, Kiwami Shin, Arisa Hitomi, and Amahana Ema in a slinky, sequined leotard bird of paradise number (Beni has some notes in this song that give me CHILLS in the best way)- and they’re eventually shoo’d off by Coto, Amato Kanon, Aomi Sario, Sakishiro Kei, and Kisa Kaoru, in MORE exciting bird-of-paradise costumes, and a more upbeat and aggressive and slinkier dance. (It was COOL to see Kisa Kaoru and Sakishiro Kei included in here- I don’t feel like I’ve really seen them do anything to date, and they’re both solid! Aomi Sario is familiar and Amato Kanon is climbing the ladder quick.)

The next number is nothing short of beautiful. It’s a Beni dance solo (again, no singing at all- the ending of Éclair is a little sparse on vocals), until she is joined by most of the Hoshigumi musumeyaku, all in flowy pink petals, with an electric shamisen. It was VERY falling-sakura-esque. It was STUNNING. They fall and they scatter and they twirl and Beni is in the midst of it all, and by the end of the song...

-the petals have all fallen and we are in place for one of my favorite kuroenbi ever. In fact, the whole rest of this revue is beautiful. This kuroenbi is more electric shamisen, a lot of high kicks, a lot of sharp and bold movement and interesting lines and groups of younger actresses and groups of older actresses taking turns centerstage and (a beautifully funny moment between Beni, Renta, and Mao Yuuki that IS a tonal shift for a brief few seconds, but doesn’t interrupt the flow of the dance at all, and is just so ... heartwarming to see. It’s lovely to see the taidansha honored in a way that’s so purely them.)

All the otokoyaku save for seven (Rei Makoto, Hanagata Hikaru, Mao Yuuki, Seo Yuria, Shidou Ryuu, Amahana Ema, and Kiwami Shin) exit the stage, and Airi enters. Coto sings a beautiful song to Airi as Airi gets to dance with all her otokoyaku in turn, it’s also playful and flirty and loving and Mao lifts her and spins her SO well- the dance only ends at its climax when Beni runs onstage from behind Airi and catches her- Airi has found her real partner and the duet dance begins in earnest with just the two of them. It is, as you’d want for the two of them, very sweet, very loving, very kind, and very much just two people who love each other and have gotten to know each other so well.

 It suits them, and their smiles and the amount of HUGGING in this dance is exactly what they deserve. It’s a good taidan duet dance. It’s a good Beni/Airi taidan duet dance. 

Overall, I think Éclair was very good. It honored a lot of what has made Beni and Airi’s Hoshigumi what it was, in the little moments, but didn’t drown itself in kitsch. That said, I might have liked to see a LITTLE more of their personalities in the revue- I can almost say it felt like Éclair was ushering in Coto’s new era of Hoshigumi a little early and a little rushed. This would have been a BRILLIANT mid-top-run revue for this pair, because GOD did it show that they’re capable of more than the humor and energy that they’re too often pinholed into by Takarazuka fans in general. That is without a doubt their wheelhouse, but both Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi are a LOT more than funny. It was incredible to see so much of that in a revue, because while we’ve seen it in plays, they haven’t really had a revue that feels this classic (to me), to date. It was a good revue to pair with God of Stars, though, because the full three hours gave you little bites (haha) of the incredible range that both these actresses have. 

I loved God of Stars and Éclair Brillant. I loved them as a pair. I love Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi as a pair. I love Hoshigumi for everything they are and everything every actress brings to the table, and I can not wait to see how this show and the actresses have grown by the time it reaches Tokyo. ♡

星組最高！

[caitsbooks]

Caitsbooks Reviews: King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo

Overall: 5/5 Stars Characters: 5/5 Setting: 5/5 Writing: 5/5 Plot and Themes: 5/5 Awesomeness Factor: 5/5 Review in a Nutshell: King of Scars absolutely blew me away. It was everything I wanted and more, and I don’t think I’ll be able to function normally until I can read the next book!

“The monster is me and I am the monster.” 

Blog || Goodreads || Bookstagram || Twitter  || Reviews

// Content Warning: Violence, Death, Assault, Torture, Depression, Suicide/Self-Sacrifice, Child Marriage (Mention), Drug Addiction, Animal Death, War Themes, Murder, Grief, Kidnapping/Abduction //

“Everyone mourns the first blossom. Who will grieve the rest who fall?”

- Premise - King of Scars is the first book in a new GrishaVerse duology, following Nikolai Lantsov, the King of Ravka, his general, Zoya Nazyalensky, and a soldier in his army, Nina Zenik. This is the most I can say without spoiling any other GrishaVerse books, however beyond this point I’m going to stop caring about spoilers for the Six of Crows Duology and The Grisha Trilogy. If you haven’t read those books– READ THEM! Not only are the amazing, but they are definitely required reading for King of Scars. There is so much going on in this book, and you really should read the first five books in this universe (and probably The Language of Thorns too because why not), otherwise it may get a bit confusing, and some of the emotional moments may not hit quite as hard as they would if you knew the full context. While it *technically* isn’t mandatory, it really should be. 

“It’s not exciting if nothing can go wrong.” 

- Writing - Leigh Bardugo has definitely earned her title of queen of YA fantasy. Her writing style is gorgeous, with elegant prose and so many beautiful, quotable lines, while also having so many funny and snarky lines that I absolutely adored. She manages to both tug on your heartstrings and make you laugh. Although, perhaps that may not be the best way to describe the emotional rollercoaster this book is. She steps on your heart with 5-inch stilettos and still has you eager to start the next chapter.

“If men were ashamed when they should be, they’d have no time for anything else.” 

- Plot - There is quite a bit happening in this book. With 2-3 plotlines going on at any given time, there is always something exciting happening in someone’s point of view. The beginning can be a little slow, as you’re seeing this world again for the first time in years and a reintroduction is in order, but once the pace picks up, it never slows again. This book is filled with political maneuvering, spying, deception, and epic action.

“Zoya of the lost city. Zoya of the garden. Zoya bleeding in the snow. You are strong enough to survive the fall.” 

- Characters - I love these characters more than anything. Most of the characters are familiar faces, seen in previous books (which is why it’s so important to read those), but there are also a good amount of new characters that will steal your heart. Isaak became a favorite of mine after just one chapter. Yuri was another character that captured my attention. Seeing him interact with the main characters who lived through Ravka’s civil war was always fascinating. Hanne was another new character, and I can’t wait to see more of her! As for the old friends we all know and love– this book made me love them all even more. Nikolai is just as amazing as always. I wish Leigh would just let him be happy for once in his life, but apparently, that’s not allowed. It was so great learning more about Zoya and her history and seeing her and Nikolai interact never failed to make me smile. Meanwhile, every Nina chapter broke my heart more and more. That said, her development in this book is handled so well, and while some scenes with her made me sob, I love her so much. Most of the side characters from The Grisha Trilogy also show their faces in this book, and I loved hearing how they’re doing and where they ended up. I only wished we got to see some specific characters I loved, but hearing their names mentioned was good enough for me!

“Hope was the wind that came from nowhere to fill your sails and carry you home.”

- Conclusion - Pros- Beautiful writing, every character is amazing, fun plot Cons- I was such a mess after finishing it. That ending was cruel Overall- 5/5 stars. King of Scars is amazing. It is captivating, thrilling, heartbreaking, immersive, and every other adjective I can think of. You’ll be seeing this in everyone’s “Favorite 2019 Releases” at the end of the year (I know it’ll be on mine). 

”He was a king who had only begun to make mistakes. He was a soldier for whom the war would never be over. He was a bastard left alone in the woods. And he was not afraid to die this day.”

[personas-against-antis]

My experience with anti-ism and back

Inspired by @huntypastellance's interviews with ex-antis, I decided to post my own story of how I became an anti and how I got out.

My inbox and messages are open in case anyone has any questions or wants to say anything.

Apologies for any typos, my typing is not the greatest.

Names have been changed to protect my friends’ privacy and to prevent certain antis mentioned from coming after me again.

Where It All Started

So back in middle school I fell in love with an anime called Hetalia, about the interactions between anthropomorphized versions of various countries. I had been in fandom for a while (my first big fandom was Sonic, but that was before antis went mainstream), and I was a pretty big follower of "don't like, don't read/look". When I joined, I immediately latched on to the ship AmeCan, or America/Canada.

They were cute and it was my OTP for a long time. The only problem with AmeCan is that, by a large majority of the fandom, America and Canada were considered brothers. I personally didn't see them that way, I saw them as adopted brothers at most, and I was always pretty squicked out by shippy fanfics that depicted them as biological brothers. The ship itself was still pretty big in that fandom, so I ignored the haters and immersed myself in fanart and fanfic.

I met a girl at my school (let's call her Duchess) who also liked Hetalia and we quickly hit it off. We soon asked what each other's OTPs were.

Me: Oh, I ship AmeCan.

Duchess: ...

Me: What is it?

Duchess: You realize they're brothers, right?

Me: Oh, I don't see them that way because [insert reasoning that I don't want to have to explain to non-Hetalians, just know that I explained that I didn't see them as brothers.]

Duchess: But it's canon. They canonly see each other as brothers.

Me: Oh...

In hindsight, I probably should have asked what she meant by “it’s canon”. Either way, I began to drift away from AmeCan due to lack of interest, and towards other ships (Romerica and AmeBela), and then to other fandoms. She still remained one of my closest friends.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I began to get really into kawaii culture and browsed the tags pretty regularly. Over time, I came across CG/L content. It squicked me out at first, but due to some sort of bile fascination, I began browsing CG/L blogs and began learning about that subculture. I actually enjoyed it quite a lot, but I knew that it would be inappropriate for someone my age (around 13-14 years old) to participate in kink, so I kept my distance and admired it from afar.

Soon, Duchess brought it up at lunch.

Duchess: I really hate seeing DDGL stuff everywhere.

Me: Haha, yeah...

Duchess: I mean, It's practically pedophilia!

Me: Mhm...

That's what I had thought at first too, before researching it. But she kept talking about it.

Duchess: They're sexualizing children, and children's toys! It's so gross! I actually made a blog against it.

Me: Whoa, really?

Duchess showed me her anti-CGL blog and I quickly followed it because she was my friend, and slowly began to follow other anti-DDLG blogs as well, even making my own: rise-against-ddlg. I took it down due to lack of interest, but antis had already grown on tumblr, and I was torn between my "don't like, don't look" policy, and wanting to "help" survivors. So outwardly, I became an anti, while guiltily reading "problematic" fic and playing "problematic" games in secret.

One such problematic game was Yandere Simulator, and I began to browse those tags too, when I discovered another anti blog, this time against Yandere Simulator and Alex Mahan, a.k.a. Yandere Dev. I learned he was fairly homophobic, sexist, and transphobic, especially in his own private chatroom, and began to idolize that anti blog. Suddenly, they released an invitation to a Skype group chat. Eager to meet my heroes, I quickly applied and was approved.

The Group Chat Incident

I loved that chat. It started with 15 people, but slowly trickled down to nine, including myself. I found myself isolating myself away from my real life friends and family, too focused on the group chat, as they made dropping out of high school and staying online all day sound cool. I kissed up to them, desperate to be seen as a good person. But, soon, I began to question myself and the group. The mods were very against "problematic" content, like Killing Stalking, and NSFW depictions of minors, but were also quick to draw NSFW of minors (specifically Budo and Senpai from YS). I introduced them tot he game Boyfriend To Death, and one of them quickly latched on to the character of Rire, who brutally rapes the protagonist in game, despite them being against rape. The main mod even introduced the group to a game called Artificial Academy 2, in which you can rape others and be raped.

...There was a lot of rape and NSFW in that chat.

But, there was also a hierachy. At the top were the two main mods of that YS blog, Mod H and Mod J. Joining them at the top was a very cool person and a good artist who acted very much like an older sibling to all of us, Member M. Then, there were three more people who tended to kiss Mod H, Mod J, and Member M's asses, and at the bottom was me, my friend Foam, and Member C. Mod H was the ruler of that chat. Anything they said, went, and if you disagreed, they'd suddenly play victim, manipulating and gaslighting you into apologizing. They loved Dragon Age, and now that game has been forever tainted for me, considering how much they shoved it down my throat. They would also tease me and my interest in Persona 5 (saying that the protagonist looked like The Onceler, subsequently calling me a "Onceler Fucker" for finding him attractive, along with making fun of when my tongue slipped and pronounced "Goro" as "Gort"), only stopping when I had Foam address the group to tell them to stop. There was a livestream that I was really excited for, talking about it since it was announced and they seemed hyped for me as well. Only when I placed a rabb.it link in the chat so we could all watch, only Member C showed up. When I returned to that chat, they were watching Yuri On Ice, and they wouldn't even let me talk about my livestream.

During that time period, I created a group chat for me, Foam, and another internet friend I will call Emilia. I though Foam and Emilia would get along really well, so i formed a Skype chat with them, and allowed them to talk. Slowly though, me and Foam began to use that chat to bitch about the group chat behind their backs, because we were terrified of the backlash if we tried to criticize them to their faces, due to Mod H's tactics of avoiding conflict. We soon added Member C to the chat as well, after they were constantly getting dogpiled by the rest of the chat.

That December, the Bode meme was in full swing and Foam mentioned in the group chat that he didn't get it. The group chat immediately began to make fun of him and I, sick of letting them control our lives, stood up for him. The group chat just continued to dogpile and we continued to try and fight until Mod H eventually left the chat, in one of their methods to get us to apologize to them. I was feeling overwhelmed and also left, and Foam tried to surrender and tell the chat to stop, but they wouldn't let up and he left too. Member C was the only member we remained on good terms with who was still in the group chat.

I made a post on my blog saying that i didn't want to interact with those people anymore and they got mad and began to try and message me. I eventually messaged an official statement, citing their abuse of me and Foam, and blocked all of them across social media.

They created a fake blog to get around the block, and I was dumb enough to fall for it.

Member C even turned on us, revealing me and Foam's messages with her and claiming we were abusing and bullying them. Suffice to say, I cut off all contact with Member C and changed my main blog's URL.

I was harassed and stalked and I carried that fear of them looking at my blog for a long time. I still worry about it sometimes.

The worst part, in my opinion, was that I changed my own name that I had chosen for myself because it had become a trigger for me hearing them say it so many times. And I really, really loved that name.

There was so much hypocrisy, so much fear in that chat. Now, looking back, I wished I had never joined, but in those months after I left...I felt empty inside. Aimless.

Out of curiosity, I looked up cult behaviors, and that chat hit nearly every single one. It's scary looking back on it. Even writing this, over a year after I left, my heart hurts.

But even leaving a cultish group chat didn't knock me out of anti-ism.

Villain Ships and Past Revelations

Remember how I mentioned that I love Persona 5? Well, I ship a ship called ShuAke, which a very loud subset of people claim is abusive.

Spoilers for Persona 5 up ahead.

ShuAke is a ship between the protagonist (shujinko in Japanese, which is where the "shu" comes from) and Goro Akechi. I shipped ShuAke since before Goro's name was announced, when all we knew was his design. Goro turned out to be a detective hunting the Phantom Thieves, the protagonist's group. The cat and mouse aesthetic really suited my fancy, with the protagonist's thief alter ego, Joker, seducing the naive Detective Prince. Swoon.

Of course, the ship shattered when the game was released in Japan and it turns out Goro tried to kill the protagonist, was working for the bad guy, and betrayed the whole group.

I was shocked and essentially went through the five stages of grief. I was torn between abandoning the "abusive" ship and evil character...or ignoring the haters and shipping it anyway. After way too much debate, I chose the latter and stuck with it.

The anti-ism died down quickly due to a lot of the fandom hibernating until the English release, and I happily shipped ShuAke and supported Goro Akechi with little objection. Even when the game was released in English, I stood my ground and even argued in support of Goro with anons.

And yet, I still considered myself an anti.

Late May of last year, some repressed memories came to light. I had been sexually abused by a close family member and a few girls at camp when I was younger, with other fragmented and questionable memories in my brain. It put my past into light, as I had also had a self destructive habit of attempting to seduce older men online, due to low self esteem. That was not a fun week for me, and I found myself diving into dark fic, particularly rape fic, in order to make sense of it all. I even wrote some in an effort to just get it out of my brain.

And it worked. It was really therapeutic for me.

And yet...

I still considered myself an anti. Every word I read or wrote was mixed with guilt over what I was doing, even though it worked. While I'm still a sexual abuse survivor, as I always will be, I'm much more well-adjusted by participating in those dark activities, rather than wallowing in self pity and slipping into a depression, like my old group chat would have expected me to do.

I dropped anti-ism later, with the help of one blog.

Back to "DL,DR"

The blog @anti-anti-survivor was recommended to me, and anti!me, looking for a laugh, clicked on it...and soon found that pretty much everything they said made sense to me. I saw Mod h in the people they argued with, Member C in the people they called out...and I realized that I had never been an anti, just hiding behind that label.

I sent an anonymous message to them (though I guess it isn't so anonymous anymore, ha), thanking them for opening my mind to it, and created my own anti-anti blog. I realize I'm not very active on here, but, well, I'm lazy and I'm more of a reader than anything else.

And of course, there was another problem.

Antis are fucking everywhere.

I'm terrified of posting pro-shipping stuff on my main, and I'm terrified of admitting I like problematic ships. I'm in a Discord server that keeps spouting anti-kink and anti-ship stuff, and I have to keep my mouth shut or risk being banned, just because most of the time they're really nice. Duchess even messaged me one day, absolutely shocked that I admitted to shipping Shidge.

I'm happy now that I don't have to feel that guilt but, reading what antis do and then finding out that people I hang out with are antis...it's horrifying. I'm not a confrontational person. I never have been. But I'm sick of rolling over and accepting what everyone else deems is problematic fiction.

I'm mentally ill, a sexual abuse survivor, and dark fic and dark shipping helps me cope.

Deal with it.

[littlepurinsesu]

In Regards to Hugs: No

Title: In Regards to Hugs: No Fandom: Yuri on Ice Characters: Yuri Plisetsky, Yuuri Katsuki, Jean-Jacques Leroy, Seung Gil Lee, Emil Nekola, Michele Crispino, Sara Crispino, Victor Nikiforov Relationships: Yuri Plisetsky & Yuuri Katsuki, Yuuri Katsuki/Victor Nikiforov Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: Swearing

*Read on AO3*

Summary: The pork cutlet bowl goes on a hugging spree. It’s disgusting and traumatising and Yuri Plisetsky could have sworn that he saw his life flash before his eyes, but he thinks he understands.

Author’s Notes: The hug scene in Episode 9 has always been one of my favourite moments in the anime. It’s so hilarious and adorable, but there’s also so much potential for some friendship feels between Yuuri and Yurio. So this went from a simple fanfic-isation of the hug scene to a full-fledged fic that got a lot more serious than what I had in mind when I started the piece. Mostly canon compliant, but lots of filling in the gaps to really bring out the relationship between the two Yuris. Because Yurio is an angry tsundere who will never admit how much he cares for his Katsudon.

Silver.

Whether it was the colour or its symbolic value or simply the word itself, Yuri Plisetsky was not happy with it.

He had worked his ass off and almost busted his lungs to execute a perfect free skate performance. For fuck’s sake, he’d even earned himself a new personal best. Yet apparently none of that was enough to stop that Canadian sucker from pushing him to the right side of the podium again. Second for the second time, and Yuri could not be more displeased—with himself, with that jackass, and with practically everyone, because there wasn’t a single person who didn’t piss him off right now.

I’ll destroy that shithead at the Finals. Fucking watch me. Knife shoes or not, I’ll fucking end him.

Yuri’s brows were knitted tightly together and his heavy steps reverberated menacingly as he tramped down the hallway. The aura he was radiating was enough to keep any unwanted people at bay.

‘Unwanted people’ did not include a certain pork cutlet bowl, though. After that frustratingly underwhelming free skate, Yuri had come to the conclusion that he probably needed to give him a good talk (complete with a kick or two) to get him back on track. Maybe he’ll yell at him about this later before the Japanese skater returned home the next day or something.

Yuri rounded a corner in the maze of corridors, hoping to bump into absolutely no one, when lo and behold, who should he chance upon but Yuuri Katsuki himself. The fourth-placer was standing near the wall in a daze, eyes seemingly fixed on nothing in particular as he stared absently into the distance. It was almost odd to not see the balding man-child draped around his shoulders, trying to cheer him up or talk some sense into him. But then again, if that man-child had been present, Yuuri wouldn’t have placed fourth to begin with. Yuri knew this for a fact, because goddamnit, Yuuri Katsuki was better than this.

He was pondering the possibility of giving that pep talk right here and right now when the Crispino twins approached, occupied with some small disagreement that Yuri didn’t care about.

‘Yuuri!’ Sara called suddenly as the pair neared the pork cutlet bowl. She speed-walked the final steps to close the distance, leaving her scowling sibling behind. ‘Congrats on qualifying for the Grand Prix Final! I knew you’d make it.’ She extended her arms warmly, as though welcoming a friendly embrace.

Oh, boy. That obsessive freak of a brother is not going to take this well.

Sure enough, within milliseconds, Michele Crispino had marched right up to them, mouth set in an angular frown. ‘Sara!’ he complained.

Had Sara been asking for a hug? Or had she simply been holding her arms out as a strange gesture of congratulatory pride? Yuri had not quite wrapped his head around the mixed social cues when he saw Yuuri fling his arms around the woman’s slender frame.

‘Thank you,’ he breathed.

Congrats on qualifying for the Final? More like congrats on digging your own grave, Katsudon.

Yuri had to press his lips together to suppress his vindictive snicker as Michele visibly bristled, before squawking out an exclamation of the utmost rage. The flower bouquet he had been holding moments ago went flying as he raised his fists in the air. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?!’ he demanded, with perhaps a little too much passion and force in his voice. If the disturbed Italian man had yelled any louder or harder, Yuri was sure he would have ruptured a vein in his neck.

Yet no horror movie Yuri Plisetsky had mistakenly watched while curled up on the couch in the wee hours of the night could have prepared him for what happened next.

Yuuri Katsuki opened his eyes—if they could still even be called eyes—revealing one of the most terrifyingly lifeless expressions Yuri had ever seen. It was dark and vacant and enough to send an unnerving chill slithering down his spine.

This dangerous gaze was slowly pointed at Michele as Yuuri let go of Sara and latched himself onto her fuming brother instead.

‘Eh?’ Michele spared less than two seconds comprehending his situation before completely losing it. He flailed his arms uselessly, eyes swirling and shoulders practically vibrating as he released a shriek so high-pitched that Yuri had to wonder if it were even possible for a person with a Y chromosome. It was one of the most hilarious cries of distress Yuri had ever been fortunate enough to overhear, and the teen had no shame in his lack of guilt as he mentally thanked the deities for granting him the privilege of witnessing such a spectacle. By now, Yuri was unsure whether he was watching a horror movie or a comedy show.

His amusement was short-lived, however, as a concerned voice rang out from around the corner of the hallway. ‘Was that Mickey screaming?’

A bearded face and a head of chestnut brown hair came into view as Emil Nekola emerged, voice as gallant as a knight’s, ready to sweep his comrade away from danger.

Your comrade has fucking bubbles coming out of his mouth.

Yuri wished he had been joking, but there was no mistake in the scene unfolding before him: Yuuri clutching a mass of glittering purple as Michele lay limp in his arms, eyes blank in a traumatised stupor and a steady flow of froth gurgling at his mouth. The predator now turned those same soulless eyes in Emil’s direction. He put an end to Michele’s misery and freed the foaming man from his grasp, ignoring the dull thud as his body hit the floor and his sister rushed to his aid.

Yuuri’s steps were frantic as he sprinted into Emil’s arms, and Yuri was not so preoccupied with the Italian siblings to miss the ease and amicability with which the Czech man returned the embrace.

‘What’s this? A hugging competition?’ he questioned, cheerful and relaxed as he held Yuuri snug in his arms.

Does the idiot not realise that he currently has a fucking zombie hugger hanging off his shoulders?

Ignorance is bliss, Yuri decided, and he really would feel bad for Emil’s poor cluelessness if he had known the bearded sunshine a little better. But alas, hugs and sunshine really weren’t the Ice Tiger’s forte, so Yuri was content to stand away from the commotion and assume that Emil’s smile was of genuine mirth and not, in fact, a disguised plea for help.

Emil’s beaming face was so bright that Yuri was beginning to feel the need to whip out a pair of sunglasses, so he was quite relieved when the apathetic Korean man appeared and restored some much-needed balance. Seung Gil Lee approached as silently as a skulking cat, but even his phantom presence didn’t escape the hugging maniac. There was an ominous glint in Yuuri’s eyes as he ended the hug with Emil and rounded on his fellow Asian skater instead, tackling him in an unsolicited embrace.

The poor man had no idea what hit him.

Seung Gil failed to register the situation enough to utter some hostile remark about wanting to be left alone, instead only managing to choke out a feeble noise as his face darkened in a manifestation of revulsion and fright. Yuri watched on with a strange mixture of both hilarity and sympathy as Seung Gil’s hands hovered awkwardly about Yuuri’s shoulders, clearly wanting to place them anywhere but on the Japanese man’s body.

At this point, Yuri, being the graciously kind and angelic soul he was, considered stepping in to rescue poor Seung Gil from his predicament and officially putting an end to this mayhem. Agape, right? Unconditional love for all, including those who were suffering. And these people were definitely suffering.

But then Jean-Jacques Leroy sauntered idiotically down the hallway, his unwelcome entrance topped with an equally unattractive smirk as his gold medal flashed obnoxiously from around his neck. The image itself was enough to set Yuri’s teeth on edge again, and the Ice Tiger of Russia internally swore for the umpteenth time that he would wipe that repulsive grin off the fucker’s sorry little face when he knocked him off the podium at the Finals.

And suddenly, the idea of demonstrating his agape didn’t seem like Yuri Plisetsky’s top priority anymore.

Ah, what the fuck. Who am I to deprive Katsudon of another hug? Jean-Jacques fucking Leroy, it’s your time to shine.

There was an irritating swagger in JJ’s gait as he breezed towards them, no doubt engaged in some unintelligent conversation (or monologue, Yuri notes) about his supposed superiority.

‘JJ is—mmph!’

What exactly is JJ? The world may never know. And Yuri had never felt so eternally grateful for the hero that is Yuuri Katsuki, the awe-inspiring saviour who had just rescued humanity from the agony of having to hear JJ speak more than two words at a time. The Japanese skater had thrown his arms around JJ’s build and effectively silenced the lanky idiot, whose mouth was now stretched into the most ridiculously hideous expression Yuri had ever laid eyes on. It was so ugly and so stupid, and it brought Yuri so much joy.

Oh my god. Yuuri Katsuki, you are the light of my life. Holy shit you amazing—

He had spoken too soon.

Yuuri turned.

Huh?

His soulless eyes bore into his final target.

The fuck are you staring at, asshole?

As though in slow motion, Yuuri began to move in his direction.

What the actual fuck? Wait, no. Don’t you fucking think about it, you—shit, no. No! NO!

‘HUHHH?! STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!’ Yuri could hear the cry tearing from his throat as he turned on his heel and fled for dear life.

This is it. This is how it all ends. Yuuri Katsuki was closing the distance with his arms outstretched, and Yuri, the poor deer caught in the headlights, stood no chance against that man’s damnable stamina.

Yuri could have sworn he saw his life flash before his eyes. All the laughter and tears, blood and sweat, love and loss. Every promise he had made to himself and every dream that had yet to come true.

It was all over for Yuri Plisetsky, and at such a young age, too.

What will happen after he is gone? Will the world remember him? Who will feed Puma Tiger Scorpion? His final performance on the ice had suffered a maddening defeat, and he didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to his grandfather…

The image of his grandfather’s smiling face faded and reality gradually shifted back into focus. Yuri was now acutely aware of his surroundings: a dimly lit hallway, the stares of puzzled onlookers, and a pair of arms wrapped tightly around him from behind.

He could not recall when his legs had finally stopped scissoring through air or even begin to fathom why he wasn’t struggling, but Yuuri’s grip was unrelenting as he held the teen’s body firmly against his chest, face buried into his shoulder. Yuri felt a slight tremble in the unsteady rise and fall of the older man’s breathing, and the fingers squeezing even tighter around his upper arms made him swallow the aggressive protest that had been stirring at the base of his tongue. There was a certain sense of unhappiness in the embrace, a kind of loneliness, as though Yuuri was trying desperately to seek out something that he just couldn’t find in any of his previous victims. And from the way his frenzied breathing was failing to slow or even out, Yuri knew that he wasn’t the one, either.

‘The one’? Fuck, sounds like some kind of shitty romance story. That kind of crap belongs in the gross ass world of you and Victor, not—

That was it, wasn’t it? That’s what Yuuri was longing for.

Yuri was no fool. He was very much aware of the reason behind Yuuri’s less than stellar free skate earlier on. The pork cutlet bowl could do so much better, like those times when he had captivated the proud teen prodigy with his entrancing step sequences and flawless spins. Today had obviously not been one of those days, and everyone in the audience and their dogs had probably figured out why.

Silly Katsudon. You won’t find what you’re looking for here… Not even with me, because I’m not him.

Yuri wondered briefly if his part in this sordid hug fest was longer than the others’, or if he had simply lost track of time while fighting between the impulse to kick and shout and the strange urge to reciprocate this one-sided hug. But even if the angry Russian boy were to swivel around and uncharacteristically wrap his arms around Yuuri’s drooping body, it still wouldn’t change anything, would it? He wasn’t the one Yuuri needed right now.

There were many things in this world—perhaps too many, if he was willing to admit so himself—that provoked Yuri Plisetsky’s anger, but never had he considered that this could be one of them. The Yuuri Katsuki he knew could often be a flustered ball of anxiety and insecurity, or sometimes a sensual skater oozing enough sex appeal to rival Christophe Giacometti, and always a kind and simple boy who was sincere, hardworking, and charismatic. Not… whatever this was. This mopey, depressed loser who couldn’t get his shit together and act like the fucking champion Yuri knew he could be. And although this time it wasn’t the Japanese champion’s own fault, it was an infuriating reminder of the cowardly sobs Yuri had heard in the bathroom stall at the Sochi Grand Prix Final, and he hated it. He hated it with his guts, and if he could do something within his power to bring Yuuri back to normal or raise his spirits again, he would fucking do it. Heck, if he could give the pork cutlet bowl something to make him feel warm and safe, to make him feel at home again, then goddamnit, he would give him anything.

But he couldn’t do what Victor does best, nor could he give Yuuri the sense of security he craved, and that upset Yuri even more than the silver medal he had taken off immediately after the ceremony. And before he even realised that he was slowly raising his hand to offer Yuuri a gentle but awkward pat on the arm, the pork cutlet bowl had released him and begun to shuffle away.

Yuri was joined by an assembly of hug victims as they stood, united in their mutual confusion and concern for Yuuri’s behaviour. Michele was wedged between Sara and Emil as they supported his weight (the dumbass still couldn’t even stand on his own); Seung Gil had deigned to situate himself with actual people, risking the possibility of further human interaction; and Yuri himself was miraculously standing less than half a metre from JJ without the temptation to claw his ugly face off.

And as he watched the zombie hugger’s retreating form, slumped and downcast and in desperate need of… of something, Yuri Plisetsky made up his mind. He may not be a certain silver-haired old man, but someone needed to be there for Yuuri right now, and Yuri swore on his skating career that he would fight anyone who dared to jump in for the job before him.

The brown paper bag would probably be slightly soggy and the contents cold by now, but Yuri had many fond memories of his grandfather handing him the steaming pirozhki when he needed a bit of comfort or love. Plus, the ones sitting in his bag weren’t just any ordinary pirozhki, they were katsudon pirozhki—an affectionate invention of his grandfather’s to remind him of the unforgettable taste he had experienced in Hasetsu. And they would serve just as well as a small token of home for the lonely Japanese man as he spent his final night in this foreign country.

‘Where are you going, little Yuri-chan?’

Under any other circumstances, Yuri would probably have grabbed his skates and hurled them at JJ’s face for that wording (not really—his knife shoes were precious and expensive), but tonight, Yuri had more important things to do. The pirozhki were getting soggier and colder with each minute he wasted, but he was sure that they would still taste absolutely divine and hopefully put the smile back on the pork cutlet bowl’s dumb face.

And anyway, it’s not like he had marked Yuuri’s birthday on his phone and had been saving the pirozhki for him in the first place, thank you very much.