#My thyroid problem better not be back

[sleeperagentclone]

I'm trying to grow my hair out because I haven't been able to find a haircut that I can do that I like (besides a buzz cut) so I figured I would grow it out, see how I like that and than work backwards from there. The problem is, I fucking hate how my hair looks rn. It somehow gets greasy the day after I wash it and it doesn't do anything even when I put product in it. I am also going to my first concert on the 6th and obviously want to look as cool as possible (I am also going alone and I'm already not stoked about that so I need to look cool in order to have the confidence to even go)

I still want to try having long hair again, I always liked how it looked I just wasn't great on the upkeep/wanted to look gayer, so if I shave my head I am just delaying that while also insuring that in like 6 months I will once again hate my hair

I've also been wanting to dye my hair again just to add another layer of indecisiveness for me

[just-rogi]

im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.

[danielnelsen]

always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds

[desperatepleasures]

awww photos app keeps showing me pics of dothcat from a year ago and like. he actually looks so much healthier now :')

[wanderingsoul6261]

Credit for gif goes to cinevettel

Title: You're Okay. We're okay.

James Beaufort x Reader

Synopsis: James and the Reader get into an argument and their relationship is rocky for a week. Then she doesn't show up for several days to school and he gets worried, before finally going to Alistair for some answers.

Warning: I think there is a few swears words? If I remember?

Also some personal reflection in this as well. I have hypothyroidism and it runs in the family. My dad had an episode with vertigo in which he had also found out he had his first episode of AFIB. This was a few years after he was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Second episode was four years later. AFIB is often a side effect of thyroid issues. Thyroid issues can cause detrimental effects if not taken seriously. You have any issues, with anything to do with your body, please please. Get it checked out. Stay safe.

------

The current week was definitely turning out to be a tough one, especially for both James and Y/N. Y/N herself hadn't been feeling the greatest the past week, with an unknown cause nor did she have anything that had seemed to help her feel better. But the two were currently going through an argument. Albeit, she wasn't one to go out of her way to talk to Ruby, Y/N wasn't happy with the way that James was treating her. She had felt that he had been unfair towards her, especially when Ruby's actions towards him were largely warranted. 

So the two had barely talked in the last week. Whenever they did, they argued, and Y/N didn’t like it, but James had to know that his actions were wrong, and as Y/N walked through the halls of Maxton, she thought back to the argument that they had earlier that morning. 

They both rode to school together that morning, even if they weren't talking. Alistair and Elaine offered to take her to school instead. Y/N understood Alistair asking, but she was surprised by Elaine, considering Elaine liked James. Y/N had spared James a look a few times, and itched to hold his hand. But he looked pissed off, so she didn’t, and when she went to ask if he was okay, he got snappy. This had only succeeded in now pissing Y/N off for the day as well. 

“What is your problem?” She asked. Percy turned the car down the long road leading to Maxton. The college could be seen through the trees.

“My problem? My problem is Ruby Bell.” He had but growled out those words, sending a sneer out the window at the passing trees. 

“She didn’t do anything.” 

“She walked in on Lydia and Sutton.” 

“It could have been anyone!” Y/N exclaimed. “What would have happened if it was Alistair or Cyril that walked in on them?” She asked. Y/N turned in the seat To look at him, but he refused to look at her. 

“But it wasn't them!” James turned to look at her. Percy looked in the rearview at them for a lengthy amount of time before turning his eyes back to the road before them. 

“Not my point, Beaufort!” She looked incredulously at him, as if he grew an extra head. Y/N wasn't understanding him in this moment, but then again, all millionaires and their heirs worked in the same way. “You can't just go and try to buy someone like you are her!” 

“Since when have you liked Ruby Bell?” 

“I don't not like nor do I like her. I just don't like how she is being treated by you and Lydia. She isn't even talking!” 

“Doesn't mean she won't. She thinks she knows how far I'm willing to go with this, but she has another thing coming for her.” James grumbled out. “I'm only just beginning.” Y/N clenched her jaw, before turning towards the front. 

“Percy, let me out.” the courtyard of Maxton was now in sight and only a few seconds away via car, but she couldn't handle James anymore at this moment. Percy looked at her through the rearview mirror, blinked a few times and then looked at James, who went back to looking out his window. 

Percy stopped the car. 

Without saying another word to James, she climbed out of the car. 

“Thank you, Percy.” 

Y/N had thought about it all consistently throughout the day. It had made some moments of studying and paying attention in classes difficult, but she had managed till the end of the day, and she was relieved. Y/N was ready to go home and relax. 

However, once Y/N had arrived home, she suddenly felt a ringing in her ears. Y/N felt nauseous, taking a few deep breaths to try and settle her stomach as everything seemed to hit her at once. She struggled to get out of the car, and the moment she was finally standing, she fell. 

The world was chaotic. Her vision was blurred and she was sensitive to all light and noise. Her chauffeur had come around the car to her, shouting for anyone inside the building to come and assist him. The crunching of his shoes against the stones of the driveway caused her face to scrunch up, and the yelling made her want to puncture her eardrums until she became deaf. 

A few more people knelt down around her, and she tried to keep her eyes open to see who it was, but the world was spinning. It was fast and quick and everything hurt. Y/N closed her eyes again. Why did she feel this way? What was going on? 

Y/N was now being picked up, placed back in the car between two bodies. Their voices told her that it was her parents. She was going to be okay. 

She turned as well as she could to see Alistair and Elaine standing on the front porch of the porch, watching them leave. She’ll be home soon. 

—

Y/N hadn't been to school for several days. Alistair and Elaine had missed a few days as well, but had not talked much about what was going on. And to say that James was worried was an understatement. He was terrified, especially more so as their last conversation was an argument. 

She hasn’t been answering his texts. Alistair and Elaine hadn't said much when he first initially asked. Just that there was an accident but everything was okay. No specifics were given to him. He had been too busy with the event committee and his parents to find time to go to the Ellington’s manor to see him. Even then, visitation to Y/N had been strictly limited, it didn't matter who you were. 

James was pulling his hair out by the time the fifth day arrived of no communication from her. 

“Alistair!” James grabbed his bicep, pulling him into an empty room. “Is someone going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” 

“About what?”

“About what? Your sister! Why isn’t Y/N answering my texts? Is she okay?” He had all but demanded. “And most importantly, why can’t I see her?” He asked. Alistair stared at him for a few seconds. 

“She had an experience with vertigo the other day. She’s been experiencing it on and off the past few days. Parents took her to the hospital after she collapsed the last day she was at school. Me and Elaine were already home, as she had stayed behind to do some extra studying on school grounds.” James stared at him as he took In this information.  

“And she's okay now?” Alistair hesitated.  

“Yes and no. She'll be fine. I can promise you that. But the vertigo is still messing with her pretty badly. On top of it, she had an episode of afib that she didn't really detect. She has to be on beta blockers for a little bit with a pacemaker also for a little bit to help monitor her heart rate. It will help the doctors keep track of her heart and this event of afib.”

“Can it just be a one time thing?” He asked. 

“Depends, honestly. They said it was likely for her, but that she could also likely experience more down the road. They said it was likely brought on by her hypothyroidism.” the two went silent for several minutes as James took in the information. 

“When can I see her?” He asked. 

“I can take you today.” 

—

Hesitation was not in James' intentions when he arrived at the Ellington manor. He booked past every single person, he seen, even the owners of the home As he raced towards the stairs. 

Their parents looked back at Alistair, Elaine following slowly behind him. He gave them a small shrug. 

“No one was talking to him about what was going on, including myself. It was time someone finally gave him some answers.” 

James hurried through the house, slowing down as he neared her room. She had vertigo, which likely also meant she was sensitive to light and noise. He had to be quiet. 

He knocked softly on her door, before calling out her name. It was silent for several seconds. 

“James?” A weak sounding voice could be heard. 

“Yea. Its me, love. Can I come in?” James could barely make out her approval. He opened her door, slowly and quietly. Her room was dark. Not entirely pitch black, but still dark enough that she could open her eyes and not be bothered by it if needed. 

She could be seen laying on her bed, buried underneath the blankets. James watched as she peeked her head out, her eyes opening slightly to watch him as he walked over to her. 

“Can I crawl into the bed?” He asked. Y/N nodded, moving backwards in the bed to allow him in. 

As he proceeded towards the bed, he noticed the medication bottles on her side table. The one he knew to be her thyroid medication. The others must be from her recent hospital stay. 

“So many drugs.” Y/N softly mumbled. “a pain in my arse.” James huffed out a laugh as he climbed into her bed. She scooted back over to rest against his chest. His arms came up to wrap around her, a hand coming up to comb through her hair. James buried his nose in her hair. 

“I'm glad you’re okay.” He whispered. Keeping his voice down. “I didn’t hear from you and no one in your family wanted to tell me anything.” 

“I'm sorry. They were supposed to.” Her weak voice spoke back to him. “that wasn’t fair to you. Even if we were fighting.” his mind went back to the argument. 

“I want to apologize.” He said. “You were right. The whole time, you were right. It wasn’t right for me to treat Bell like that.” He admitted. James knew when the arguments started that Y/N was right. He was just too arrogant and hard headed to admit it. For a moment there, he had turned into his father, and he grew to resent it. 

“Did you apologize?” 

“Not yet.” He admitted. “But I have been nicer.” 

Y/N huffed out a laugh, before wincing. 

“Well, it's a start.” Y/N kept her voice quiet, barely a mumble. She almost sounded tired. 

“We’ve made some good work on the donor gala.” He admit. “We are changing it to be Victorian themed.” 

“Yea? Are you going to use your parents' collection for advertisement?” Her voice sounded still as a mumble. 

“Wasn't going to. But I think it will be good for it. I was probably going to take Bell in the coming days to take photos. I know you absolutely love the collection, so if you'd like to join us-” a soft snore broke the moment. James sat there, listening to Y/N as she slept. A small smile graced his lips. James pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, his fingers still gently combing through her hair. He used his other hand to pull the blanket to cover more of her body. After a short amount of time, James too fell asleep. 

—

Several hours have passed and the Ellington parents checked in on the two in Y/N's room. Both were fast asleep, clung to each other. 

“Should we wake them?” 

“No. They have to make up for lost time. Plus him being here will probably be better for her moral.” 

---

taglist: @honethatty12 @lifeonawhim @ashamedtobewhitemanswhore27 @maryvibess @wheredidmyeyesgo @imasimptoowth @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @sillyfreakfanparty

[yakumtsaki]

AND WE'RE BACK. My cancerous thyroid might have briefly cucked me, but now I'm about to cuck every goddamn semi-incestuous couple in this house. Isn't that right, Baby?

-CAWK CAWK

Exactly! Baby here is a parrot that Meadow rolled the want for and I was like sure, what problems could a parrot possibly cause?

-OPEN THIS DOOR. SOMEONE OPEN THIS DOOR FOR ME. OPEN IT RIGHT NOW OPEN IT OPEN IT

Um it should open automatically for you wtf?

-OPEN THE DOOR, MAMMAL TRASH, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING

Ok Baby seriously why won't the doors open for you?

-I DON'T KNOW BUT I WILL STAY HERE AND PREVENT EVERYONE FROM GOING TO CLASS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO USE THE OTHER DOOR

Alright then, clearly there's only one solution to this..

Perfection.

-Um, what happened to the door?

-IT ASKED TOO MANY STUPID QUESTIONS. OUT OF THE WAY, HUMMIE SCUM

Well, Baby was clearly a much needed addition to this house. Now, to the main event: an end to the Year of Sin!

NOP, NEVERMIND, SPOKE TOO SOON, MUST DO THIS INSTEAD. We invite Good Witch over for Spice and she asks to bring a friend and it's FUCKING MALCOLM. LMAO. I simply have to, I can't resist-

-Well well well, if it isn't the famous Malcolm Landgraab IV, the finest intergenerational concubine the world has ever seen!

-Huh?

-You were too much of a straggot to date my father, but I know you won't be able to resist the charms of the much better looking son!

-What?

-God, the conversation is just crackling with sexual tension!

-So, Malc, I believe we should make out. Thoughts?

-Where are those fucking butterflies coming from?

-Your stomach? ;)

No, they're from the Good Witch, my bad y'all.

After many, MANY hours of talking, Malcolm finally accepts a lame wolf whistle-

-but our efforts are interrupted by Felina returning from class. WILL YOU GIVE IT A FUCKING REST FOR ONE DAY

-NEVER

-Sorry kid, but if Malcolm Landgraab is to ever consider bisexuality, it will be for someone who can beat up his own sister.

Wtf kinda rule is that you freak?? You know what, just gtfo-

-NO. Stay here, Malcolm, I'd like to hear stories about you and great-great grandma Victoria!

-Oh wow, now that was a real woman. She could hold her liquor, she could whore around, she could beat up anyone.. No man could ask for anyone more feminine!

You are so right, Malcolm, the only one to ever do it better was Long John Silver!

Ok seriously Barth is there a plan here, why are we wasting valuable time on platonic interactions with this loser?

-I just have a feeling true love will prevail!

What are you even talking about-

UM PWND @ ME WTF. ACR DOES IT AGAIN WITH LITERAL NEGATIVE CHEMISTRY LOL

OH FUCK YES TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. Two Babies with one stone if you will!

-HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME, YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD

Ya ok GROSS but finally we can put this behind us, 1 down, 200 more to go. Cyan go back to your other cousin-lover while you still can because I'm breaking you up too!

-Don't have to tell me twice!

Ugh.

-Hmmm...

What now, Barth.

-Nothing, I just keep forgetting I actually have two eyes.

Ya, you and me both.

-But now that I possess peripheral vision, I see there's so much to be done in this house.

You have set yourself on fire multiple times, please stop with the household tasks, that's why we have a butler.

-But he never actually does anything!

Yes well, his main job is to answer the door and we no longer have one, but it's still money well spent.

-WELL I WILL FIX THE DISHWASHER OR DIE TRYING

-BARTH NO I STILL LOVE YOU

-FUCK YOU SUNSET, YOU BROKE MY HEART BY SLEEPING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. HE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO YOU

Barth no offense but I think I'm ready for your next electrocution to take you out.

-As am I!

-And I!

-GETTING SLAPPED MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY IS STARTING TO AFFECT MY MENTAL HEALTH HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP

You could stop being Satan incarnate?

-No, there has to be a better way!

-How about I sleep with the boyfriend of the only cousin in this house who doesn't already hate me?

Yes, absolutely, and please take another crack at fixing the dishwasher when you're done.

[grigori77]

Once again, to celebrate this awesome day, I thought I'd give another shout-out to some more of those wonderful ladies that I alove and admire, both those who hve inspired me for a while now, and those that I just recently discovered ...

IMAN VELLANI. Oh my sweet girl! :3 Exploding onto the scene thanks to the recent acclaimed hit/fan favourite that was the Disney/Marvel Ms. Marvel streaming show, the most adorable geek girl in ALL THE WORLD really got a major, much deserved profile boost (regardless of the problems) thanks to her co-starring return to the role of super-popular young Marvel superhero Kamala Khan in The Marvels. She's a genuine absolute SWEETHEART and she deserves all the success that's surely coming to her.

GIDEON NAV & HARROWHARK NONAGESIMUS. Yup, I have FINALLY gotten round to reading Tamsyn Muir's ridiculously popular sci-fi fntasy novel series The Locked Tomb! It's still early days, I'm only on Gideon the Ninth, but I am ALREADY falling head over heels in love with the story's central duo, the reluctant warrior Gideon, a snarky oversized golden retriever of a woman, and her "hated" charge, Harrow, the scheming, overly-ambitious scion to an ancient clan of intergalactic necromancers, who's a metaphorical vicious little soaked ferret. I love them, they're so adorably dysfunctional ...

AWKWAFINA. For me, one of the funniest people around, this musician, comedian and actress deserves every ounce of success she's earned for herself. I mostly know her for her acting, having been a fan ever since she was in Ocean's 8, since showing up in a raft of great roles in the likes of Shang-Chi & the Legend of the Ten Rings, Raya & the Last Dragon, Crazy Rich Asians and Swan Song, although she's REALLY hitting her stride now, showing up in REALLY BIG stuff like Renfield, Quiz L\ady and, now, the incoming (and long-awaited) Kung Fu Panda 4.

TATIANA SUAREZ. Perhaps the most incredible sportswoman I have come across in a good long while, this one is a TRUE INSPIRATION REVELATION. A strong up-and-coming contender for UFC World Champion, she's been through SO MUCH in her life to get where she is now, having had her teenage dreams of being an Olympic Gold Medal wrestler dashed after an accident during training led to the discovery of a burgeoning case of thyroid cancer. Fighting off the condition, she then fought her way back after embracing judo and then mixed martial arts, before AGAIN suffering a debilitating neck injury which NEARLY ended her sporting career again, forcing her to take another long-term hiatus to get back into fighting shape ... just as COVID hit. Now she's back again, fighting fit and better than ever, hungry for that next chance and looking like she's definitely gonna get it this time ...

SINEAD O'CONNOR. The last 13 months have been really tough, we've had to say goodbye to some truly wonderful people, but one in particular REALLY HURT. The music industry lost a true GEM with the passing of this genuine GODDESS, the Irish singer-songwriter best known for her INSANELY popular cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 U, although those in the know recognise that she was ONE HELL of a force nature in her own right, courting controversy throughout her career for her outspoken religious and political views. She NEVER backed down on what she believed, and earned my undying respect and admiration for it.

FLORENCE PUGH. A completely amazing young actress who's had a trily ASTOUNDING rise to fame in recent years, I've be a fan of Flo's ever since she broke out in a MASSIVE WAY in the twisted psychological drama Lady Macbeth. She's blown us all away since, lighting up the screen in the likes of midsommar, Don't Worry Darling, Oppenheimer and, now, Dune, Part Two, but now, for me she will ALWAYS be Yelena Belova, the true successor to the MCU's Black Widow mantle.

MIZU. One of my favourite female characters of the past year (although I'm sure she would balk at actually bringing up her gender), the titular lead protagonist of Netflix' wild runaway success new animated series Blue Eye Samurai is a genuinely fascinating and intoxivating character, who prompts profound debate about gender roles and personal identity while kicking arse in SPECTACULAR FASHION indeed in feudal Japan.

TEYONAH PARRIS. Definitely one of THE MOST AMAZING African American actresses coming up right now, this young lady is definitely earning her breakout star status. Having come up through sterling turns in the likes of Dear White People, Chi-Raq, If Beale Street Could Talk and Candyman, before finally making good on all that promise with high profile lead turns in THey Cloned Tyrone and her ongoing role as MCU superhero MOnica Rambeau/Photon in Wandavision and The Marvels.

BILLIE EILISH. What do I REALLY need to say about one of the most popular and astoundingly unique musical artists of the moment? Ever since her breakthrough at just THIRTEEN YEARS OLD with her wildly successful first single, Ocean Eyes, which became a massive runaway smash on Youtube, this incredibly talented young singer songwriter has consistently impressed with ever release, entirely deserving her immense success with an amazing debut EP and two subsequently BRILLIANT albums. She keeps going from strength to strength, and at just 22 years old is only just BEGINNING what's sure to be a MONSTER of a career ...

KITTY O'NEIL. A true legend in cinema, even though most of us have NEVER actually seen her face, this little lady was one of the GREATEST stuntwomen and racers of all time, and a MASSIVE inspiration throughout her life as well. Despite going deaf due to illness during childhood, Kitty still went on to become a record-breaking racing driver and professional stunt performer, probably best known for having doubled Linda Cart in Wonder Woman and Lyndsey Wagner in The Bionic Woman. It's a genuine mystery why Hollywood hasn't made a biopic about her yet ...

HOLGA KILGORE. Probably my ABSOLUTE favourite fictional female protagonist of 2023, the badass barbarian lady from Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves was a pure, unapologetic JOY, thanks in no small part to a wonderfully game turn from Michelle Rodriguez. Holga's just an absolute sweetheart, fully capable of decimating a whole room full of big, dangerous men with her bare hands without ever losing her gentle kindness, simple, honest innocence and unswerving loyalty. TRULY the MVP warrior tank any adventuring party wants in their corner ...

SIOUXSIE SIOUX. Truly one of alternative rock's true, all time GOATs, the lead singer of one of goth's greatest and most important bands, Siouxsie & the Banshees, is a singular master of haunting, ethereal vocals and a genuine style ICON who lent her look and manner to a whole GENERATION of scary young women ...

SABINE WREN & SHIN HATI. While my favourite Star Wars offering of 2023, the opening season of the Ahsoka series, was, all round, just SO GREAT for me, there was one particular element that just stuck with me above ANYTHING ELSE - the season-long rivalry between Ahsoka's troubled Mndalorian apprentice Sabine and Dark Jedi student Shin. They raged, continuously tried to kill each other and endlessly traded smouldering looks of hate that bordered on OBSESSION ... all while genuinely SIMMERING with barely restrained sexual tension. They made the whole fandom FERAL, myself includced. #wolfwren indeed ...

BRODY DALLE. And last, but BY NO MEANS LEAST, a little more personal self-indulgience ith one of my greatest rock-fan super crushes, namely the awesome Aussie lead singer/guitarist of supercool punk bands the Distillers and Spinnerette. Still rocking her iconic status to this day, she remains a genuine inspiration ...

[rosen-dovecote]

Appointment went well.

Today in "I taught my GP something new": She also didn't know that a rare side effect of Naproxen 500 was bluing of the fingernails, skin, and lips and is now very happy to know that because she has 2 other patients who're on Naproxen 500 and currently being evaluated for Sjogren's because of abnormal bluing just like mine; we both got a good laugh over that one.

But anyways. She's happy with my Thyroid medication so we're probably not going to up my dosage the second time. We've still got 2 weeks until labs, however, so we'll wait to formally reevaluate until the next appointment in October, after my Labs are back.

She panicked at my DexCom results, however 🤣🙏 I'm apparently so Hypoglycemic that I broke the chart she printed out; direct quote "you hit so low at one point, our monitors wouldn't even read you". Which is not a good thing.

So basically I'm not Diabetic (hooray). But it does look like my body is unnecessarily overproducing Insulin on a massive scale (not hooray!). Which could lead to Diabetes down the road if my Pancreas winds up burning itself out because we don't get my blood sugar issues under control (yikes!) ... So that's a fun problem.

Based on the readouts and how I was eating at what points, I've now been ordered onto a low Carb / high Protein diet, with strict orders to eat every 2 hours. And she's rescinded the advice to watch my Sugar intake, ha. She's also put in an authorization request with Insurance to get me DexCom full time, hopefully, since my Hypoglycemia is so severe, so that I can better monitor it; she thinks insurance may cover it now that I have a legitimate issue. But we'll see!

Time to go figure out wtf Low Carb means, I guess. And go scream into a pillow about still trying to figure out how on Earth to get enough Protein 😩

[evansboyfriend]

I would have loved it if Bucks whole sponsor storyline had more emotional impact than just "buck is ready for kids but is hamster wheeling his relationships" - the connect between feeling like a spare parts kid, KNOWING that he wasn't actually wanted, and knowing that Connor and Kameron(?) wanted him (sort of), could have been explored with more nuance and it would have been so 🤩🤩🤩.

Tbh even just how Buck feels about his body - from hurting himself for attention and using sex to avoid intimacy and THEN learning that he's a donor sibling for a dead brother - and then learning he's queer - all of it is so specific to how buck feels about his body as a whole and it would have made such an awesome storyline

that's what i've been saying! i personally love the sperm donor storyline because it happens after he learns he was made for spare parts and he CHOOSES to donate some spare parts to his friend so they can start their own family - it's about the CHOICE - even though we see him struggling with it. s6 was such an interesting season for buck's development because we see him struggling with not being chosen for interim captain, asking bobby "you don't think i'm at ease?" and asking hen "what do you think it is, the secret to happiness?" and then reminiscing about his adventures, choosing to be a sperm donor for connor and kameron, the coma dream full of lessons and affirmations, and trying to deal with the aftermath of his temporary death. hands down fave buck season. they messed it up by trying to get him with natalia (because the show was not being renewed and we can't have people end up single? the horror!) and bringing back kameron to crash at his flat as if she doesn't have anyone else to go to...? fucking bizarre choices. 6b suffered from the impending doom lmao.

anyway! sometimes canon only gives us half a story and we have to dig a little deeper and use the source material to do our meta analyses and try to understand what it says about our favourite character. and i'm really hoping to see buck being confident and settled in s8, even if he's dealing with the fuckery at his workplace, i want to see that he's in a good place in his relationship with tommy, that they're good together, they're still communicating and being open and there's no bullshit like jealousy and exes and cheating and all that cheap drama crap lmao. i want to see buck who makes choices for himself as his own person and what that means for his relationship with tommy.

and while i'm here, because i've talked about wanting madney to have another baby, and i see people say "but it was so bad the first time with the postpartum syndrome etc etc" and once again i want to see maddie CHOOSE to get pregnant again - it's about the CHOICE - i want to see her say yes i want to do this, i've been through it before, and i learned a lot, i healed a lot, and i can do this with the support of my husband and a therapist and a local group for expecting or new mothers.. because the first time around: it was a surprise pregnancy, and she had thyroid problems that no doctor had apparently thought to check? or her having her nursing background? (that SL has some issues for me personally because i know it was done due to actress unavailability lol, i would have done a better job with it no offence) and because this is a fictional show, we can write characters who go through a second pregnancy as a healing experience - something that is hard to do IRL cause life is unpredictable, you know? i wouldn't advocate this for a real life woman is what i'm trying to say but maddie is ficitonal and i can make her have positive experiences. anyway!

excited to see my beloved buckleys in s8 <3

[kogo-dogo]

My fiance and I are trying to start an exercise routine to get into better shape now that (after eleven years) I finally have answers to What Makes Everything Hurt and How To Make It Not Do That, and it got me thinking about what could have been if I had just had any doctor listen to me when I was in my twenties.

I have never been stick thin--even at my healthiest, I was built like an ox--but I used to bike six miles a day, five days a week. I went to a pilates class M/T/F. I swam laps twice a week if I could manage to fit in the time. I worked a job that was very physically demanding. But I wasn't stick thin, so when I suddenly started having such severe pain I couldn't do anything, it was always blamed on my weight. ALWAYS blamed on my weight. I had a doctor trick me into taking phentermine when I complained about my fatigue, and I only found out what it really was when I came back and he lamented that I hadn't lost weight.

I was literally in so much pain that I had my brother bring a futon mattress down to the living room because I didn't have the wherewithal to make it up the stairs to my room to go to bed. That sudden of a change after being extremely physically active. And they still blamed my fucking weight.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties and started having heart issues that anyone told me anything aside from "lose some weight" and "take an anxiety pill." I found one doctor who didn't immediately blame everything on my weight, and they slapped me with a Zio monitor after the fifteenth time I ended up in the ER for almost blacking out while changing clothes or what-the-fuck-ever, and that led to blood tests and specialists and wow, did you know that I actually have a laundry list of health problems?

Like my thyroid doesn't work right? I have PCOS and a condition that fucks up my hormones and makes me more at-risk for uterine cancer? Did you know that I have an irregular heartbeat because my thyroid was ignored for so long? And that I inherited my dad's fucking psoriatic arthritis that I have been telling doctors about for years but they said I was too young to have it and I just needed to lose weight?

And I got really emotional in the shower earlier because all I could think of is all the years of pain that would have been missed and how much more capable I'd be and how much permanent damage could have been avoided if the very first doctor I went to didn't blame everything on my weight and ignore every fucking thing I said. Because now I can finally wear my favorite shoes again because my ankles aren't swollen so big that I can't zip my boots up (the arthritis did that!) and I am trying to get back into shape (carefully, because the heart thing!) and I'm just very, very mad thinking about all the things I haven't done just because I hurt so bad, for legitimate I Am Fucking Sick reasons, and everyone just said, "You're fat. That's why."

If anyone ever tries to tell you that all your problems are because of your weight, you should fucking kick them in the face.

[pumpkin-belly]

Ok. Pumpkin update when I should be filling out his medical forms or fighting fruitlessly with the pharmacy, my doctor's office, and insurance to get a replacement for the discontinued immunosuppressant I need to fight the damage covid did to my immune system, turning it against me even worse than the arthritis i had before.

To review, my Elder Statescat has:

Nineteen years

Feline herpes triggered by stress, causing cold sores/irritation inside nasal passages

Arthritis in his back legs

Hyperthyroidism since 2022, which dropped him from 12 to 10lb.

Chronic Kidney Disease confirmed Dec 2023

Congenital enlarged heart and intermittent heart murmur.

Which wasn't a problem until last checkup, when it showed ventricle thickening & constriction.

Probably the cause of a syncope (fainting) incident while I was in Texas. i've never seen that happen before.

Plus he's outlived his original owner. Her family, including vet tech granddaughter, are my neighbors.

Since December, kidney and heart disease have progressed, herpes flareups keep giving him cold-like symptoms, he's lost appetite (not normal with hyperthyroidism), and his thyroid med has stopped working. His weight has dropped to 8.4 and falling. 😢

When he first came to me, he was an overstuffed plush toy of 17 lbs.

But he's still opinionated and purring and talkative, and he just climbed up to bug me bc  I haven't been paying attention to him while writing this.

So, after ultrasounds to make sure there weren't other problems causing his loss of appetite, I've signed him up for Iodine-131 treatment on Sunday.

This is a Hail Mary: hyperthyroidism aggravates kidney disease and heart problems, and can cause nausea/ibs too. if we can get some weight back on him, maybe he'll have more reserves to fight the herpes flareup too.

Otherwise, I think we'll be saying goodbye pretty soon.

Even if it works, of course, he's old. The doctor's prognosis was 2 to 4 more years, with kidney disease finishing him off like most cats (including my last). But hopefully his quality of life will be better.

Wish the old man luck.

April 1, 2020 - Floofer pre-hyperthyroid

[chevvy-yates]

Ticket to the Major Leagues for Ryder, Thyjs and Falco on the ask game pls!!

How did they react to their first chrome? (Not including the neurosocket, shard slot and wrist plug).

Ryder’s first chrome were Kiroshi optics when he was still a Corpo. He used to wear contacts and/or glasses as he was born astigmatism. He wasn't allowed to get optics until he turned 18 (his family hates cyberware) When he eventually was allowed to get some they had to be in his same eye color (ice blue). The reaction to this was nothing special. He's had a headache for a few days and needed to adjust to see everything clearly now without contacts or glasses. So nothing really special But I want to add how he reacted to his first real chrome that definitely changed his body forever: his mantis blades: You have to know that he replaced his well functioning organic arms with these weapons. He decided it from 0 to 100. I mean he literally walked into a ripper doc's office and demanded "Cut off my arms and install me some with blades!" having literally no clue what Ryder was demanding there. At this point of his life he literally changed everything about himself drastically, often not thinking about whether this decision is good or not. Hate and anger mainly for Cyberpsychos drove him towards this decision. Of course the blades made it so he could protect and defend himself in the first place as he always carries them with him 24/7. and he finally had something that was added to his overall look that can be frightening plus he could fight with them. If trained right mantis blades serve you well. What he did not have in mind: learning how to live with two cybernetic forearms from now on that have sharp blades, he didn't know how to handle at first. Also the fact that he will never feel touch again like he used to hasn't been on his mind back then either. He was only to discover it afterwards because the ripper doc didn't care much to inform him about it since Ryder seemed to be bold and harsh. At the start Ryder often second-guessed himself about this decision he made. In the beginning he often sat at home having problems just to grab a beer because he had to learn that his brain and connected muscles around the elbow accept the cyberware and the given commands were set into the right motion. The ripper doc did a good job and Ryder payed all of his money left for getting the best ones the market had at this time. He didn't feel any pain and they adjusted fast once Ry found out how it works. Nonetheless he kept them and accepted his decision. He gets them checked frequently.

Like Ryder, Thyjs first chrome have been Kiroshi optics. As albino he's had photophobia and decreased visual acuity since he was born. So he definitely was in need to get a better eyesight as soon as he started Military school. The first day of having them felt weird for him, needed some adjustment and to get used to it. He had the usual headache right after he received them but no further problems. They felt like his real eyes before just way better.

Garnet's first cyberware is the one on his neck and the chest. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in a very early years of his life as he already started smoking "wie ein Schlot" at a very young age. So his entire lung including the trachea and the thyroid are cybernetic. Falco didn't do well in the beginning as he had been laying in bed before the operation for weeks to months already. They tried to fight the cancer off via chemotherapy before but it didn't work out so he opted in as last chance to stay alive to get that whole bunch of chrome installed inside his body. When he woke up after the operation and the meds losing their effect he felt insufferable pain in his throat and in general the weight of his body seemed very heavy (up to that he was still super weak, almost reduced to a skeleton). He needed months long rehabilitation and even today a medtech frequently has to check as everything works appropriately. He had to pay the huge bill for probably all his life if he didn't become popular in the music industry. After five years he was free from his debt. Today he's healthy, fit (trains frequently) and takes his needed medication as he should.

[url0n3lystarr]

standing on the borderline

Nowadays I scrub myself clean of anything representing a stereotypical mentally ill person. No more will people say I remind them of Harley Quinn or Ramona Flowers, no more will I meet their sexualised expectation of a mentally ill woman. 

I’m dying my hair back, thinking carefully about the tattoos I want, I don’t fall asleep at 3am with some depressing playlist, and I’m finally selling all my lifeless clothes at the Sunday market. I no longer identify with that. I’m not proud of it, I wasn’t happy, it wasn’t me. 

I’m not insulted that I dress “basic” now, I’m not insulted I no longer meet your expectations of me. I traded my chains and fishnets for basic tees, and I feel better now.

As I reach for that abrasive loofah, I do contemplate why I can’t accept who I was when I was deep in the trenches, begging everyone to believe that it was a stranger, begging myself to believe that was never me. I’m not my illness, that’s not who I am, but as someone who has walked in my own shoes, shouldn’t I be a little more understanding of the roads I’ve travelled?

Too often I’m sitting on the fence between accepting myself and being okay with it or tearing any resemblance of mental illness and keeping it as far away as possible. How can I be okay with this, do you know what people say about me? 

Sometimes I feel like I must carry the agonising burden of being a spokesperson for BPD, those three words come up in a conversation and I feel eyes pierce me like they know a big secret I’m hiding. The desperate need to say something to disprove of borderline symptoms is haunting, cursed with the fear that people think I want this and I’m so quirky. Screw you TikTok.

Even the few positive attributes this illness gifts me is something I wish I could get a shovel and weed out of my garden. Everything feels like a double-edged sword, everything is a double-edged sword. A sweet sensitivity that snowballs into debilitating anxiety, compassion, and loyalty like a dog, and will never be reciprocated in any relationship. It is not fun fighting everyone else’s wars yet never being able to stand next to your own army.

Shame is unfortunately ingrained in me, one Google search and there’s more results on BPD being toxic manipulators than there are helpful resources. I walk around with a scarlet letter, people stop and stare knowing I’m a horrible, toxic gaslighter. Constantly scared that those around me walk on my field of landmines, running a never-ending marathon questioning, ‘what if I am the stereotype?’ It’s getting quite lonely locked away with a moat of eggshells and glass shards. 

Perhaps this is a perspective that changes with the years, right now detachment feels like a home, maybe I’ll keep dancing with these ideas. I am not borderline; I am not a borderline. No one says I am a thyroid problem, or I am a cold. The less I dwell on stereotypes and playing the painful losing game of trying to change people’s beliefs, the easier it is to cope. Maybe at the core of wanting to appear so extremely unwell is just simply wanting someone to care, not to be immediately seen like a monster. 

[bad-blood-animal]

Regarding the future of certain projects TLDR they are on hold due to my health

Hello everyone and good day/evening/night. Not that I'm super active on Tumblr anymore outside of my projects, but I figured I would explain that these projects are now on hold until further notice. My plan was to continue to translate SINo content. I have a few EoS character gacha messages finished, as well as some job/weapon stories. Summaries of Aoki's streams. Break down of lore exclusive to the JP server. Chapter 7 of Act of Desire nearly done for a few characters. I had planned to scan and maybe try to formulate a team to translate the official movie pamphlet and the light novel. I spent my time on Tumblr from the start of the game in JP gushing about this game, and it still means a lot to me, but in regards to editing, scanlating, translating, ect. It's gotta be on hold. Medical vent: For two years, I had drastic changes in my body. This included a cyst that needed to be surgically moved inside of my body. Eczema, suddenly, with no history of skin conditions. Hormonal changes. Two years of it being hard to swallow, my throat always hurting, and having a cracked voice. Two years of never having energy, always tired, constantly having throat and ear problems. A few weeks ago, I went to do a check-in in regards to the cyst removal almost two years ago. Apparently my thyroid had gotten so large that my doctor noticed right away. Blood work, ultra sounds, several tests later, we're looking at a papillary thyroid cancer diagnosis. It's a scary thing to hear, but it can be treated. Mine is contained to the thyroid. Sadly, I won't even be able to book my surgery until the end of April. This has understandably taken a toll on the ones close to me, so I ask that people who know my circle respect them. This is not the end or a goodbye from me. There's so much I want to do and share with you all, but it is beyond my capabilities for awhile. Thank you all for all the support over the years. This site from my dinky little preci0us m3tal days before SINo came out to now, to the people who supported my writing and art before I started tl projects. I thank all of you. Whether we are friends, followers, or just passerby's I got a lot of love and support over these years. I will be back better than ever soon. I will need a removal surgery of my thyroid first. I will share a few things I did manage to finish in the coming days [job/weapon story-wise].

[skippyv20]

Our Prayer List🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️

Prayers and good thoughts for the family whose mother has passed away from cancer.  Prayers for their father who is now in hospice with cancer, and will pass in the next couple of days.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s friend who is having thyroid test for cancer.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s family.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s friend named John.  He has been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, is alone and needs lots of prayers.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who needs funding for dentures.  She is feeling very overwhelmed as she struggles financially.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who not only is mourning the loss of her husband Jim, but now faced with the possibility of losing her home they shared.  It seems his daughter is to receive the home, and our friend has been blindsided.

Prayers and good thought for our friend’s daughter and SIL.  They have lost their way. Prayers for our friend for strength during these trials.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend and her little boy.  Her son has speech delay and they are seeking help.  Also, we pray for the mother to feel peace and comfort as she is feeling stressed and lost.  We pray for understanding and compassion for the family, and for them to have acceptance and give support necessary as our friend faces this trial.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend sister Narcisse whose oxygen levels need to stabilize.

Prayers and good thought for our friend whose husband is suffering from mental illness.  Also, for his mother as she struggles to accept his illness.  We pray for our friend who wants to save her marriage.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s brother Adam.  He has stage 4 cancer and limited time. Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s young friend whose mother is ill

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who suffers guilt.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who is suffering from anxiety.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who has arthritis in her ankles and feet.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s friend Ann.  She had bowel cancer, they missed her 5 year checkup and when she went for another minor operation her scan showed the bowel cancer has now spread to her liver so she is classed now as Stage 4 (terminal) cancer.  Prayers also for her dear grandson and his mother.

Prayers and good thoughts for my friend who suffered broken C5C6 in a freak home accident.  She has complete loss of her hands, and can only stand with an apparatus.  She has a very long journey ahead of her.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s daughter, who has many health issues and is feeling very overwhelmed.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who suffers from anxiety and has terrifying nightmares that she fears may be back.  Praying for peace in her heart and mind.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s brother  (Spain) who had vascular bypass in an effort to save his leg.  The surgery was a success.  Please pray for a quick recovery free of complications.  He is doing so much better.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend.  She was her father’s caregiver until his passing and now is her mother’s caregiver.  She is feeling very overwhelmed and is having difficulties with her family.  She struggles with her faith at times.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s nephew who is mending a broken heart.  We pray he meets his special “one” and finds love.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend that my have cancer.   Her husband of 33 years has left her and both her daughters all at the same time is a great trauma in her life right now.  Prayers they will come back to her.  And please pray for her sister and mom who are taking care of her.

Our friend is mourning the loss of her mother, and facing financial problems.  She is very overwhelmed at this time.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend that is struggling with faith.  She feels God isn’t with her.  She is lost and frightened and feeling alone.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend whose husband is very, very ill.  Prayers for the whole family.  They are facing many obstacles for healthcare at this time.  Her husband’s pancreas is all but dead tissue but it keeps swelling and then going down, this has caused his liver to start failing.  He is facing many medical issues.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s former sister in-law and brother in-law.  She was diagnosed with tongue and throat cancer in January and in March he was diagnosed with lung cancer.    Also for their 2 daughters who are taking care of them.  

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend.  She is suffering from an anxiety and fear.  She is in desperate need of another job, and is worried about her finances.  She is being bullied and stalked.

Prayers and good thoughts for our dear friend, who is suffering from severe back pain & pain in other hip

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who has been facing many trials, and is in need of prayers. The last 18 months have been hard, and things still not what they should be.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s family friend who had a stroke. His right side is paralyzed, but he has some sensation.  He is very down at this time.  He will now face new trials because of his condition.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s family member who we pray will join AA.  We pray for success.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who is in financial despair.  She is really struggling as she has no one to turn to in real life.  She is out of work, and there are no jobs to be found.  All of her savings are almost gone and she is afraid she may lose her home.

 Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who has severe iron deficiency and the treatment is very harsh and makes her sick.  Her husband has been unfaithful during her illness and her family is ignoring me. She feels very alone.

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend who has been battling depression long-term due to trauma and the resulting difficult circumstances. 

Prayers and good thoughts for our friend’s daughter who is struggling.  She is in much pain mentally. We prayer for her family as well as they try desperately to help her.

Prayers and good thoughts for Baby James and his heart brother Matthew.  Also their heart brother Conrad

We pray through Christ our Lord🙏🏻❤️

[nokingsonlyfooles]

I Dunno What to Do

CW: I'm going to add a picture of a burn one of my healthcare providers gave me, just to express what's going on in general. I'll put everything under a cut.

Tonight, over a phone appointment (because she doesn't think I'm complicated enough to need an in-person appointment) the gynecologist flat out told me that thyroid and estrogen do not interact with each other (not true), that because I had a total hysterectomy I produce "no hormones" and when I sputtered and said I produce lots of hormones, she clarified that I produce no estrogen or progesterone (also not true), and she doesn't deal with anything other than "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness." That is not the nature of my symptoms - I am experiencing pain, and I told her that more than once, but I didn't get any traction until I started saying, "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness" like she wanted. The spouse thought I should make a point of reiterating that my symptoms are atypical, but she cut me off before I could even start.

It's really convenient that I have three doctors "working together" (ha-ha) on this, because nothing is ever any one doctor's responsibility. It's always someone else's problem. I said, "The progesterone helped my pain but increased my anxiety." She said, "Progesterone decreases anxiety." (Once again, not true. It can, but it can also make anxiety worse.) "That sounds like it could be something to do with your thyroid. Until you stabilize your thyroid, we won't know which symptoms are caused by what." I couldn't tell her that my thyroid meds have been stable since last September and the only thing that changed was the progesterone. I physically couldn't - if you cut me off enough times and keep saying things that don't make any sense, my words'll dry up like a wash in the desert - but I don't think it would've made any difference if I handed the phone to the spouse and let him explain. Not a good difference.

Then, in the end, she told me to stop increasing and decreasing my dosage trying to feel better, because it would mess with my thyroid and... I was the one who said that. I contradicted her when she said my thyroid had nothing to do with her. But when she wanted to control my behaviour, she threw it back in my face like she knew and I didn't.

I know my pain is increased and decreased by the hormones I'm taking, because I've been taking various combinations of hormones for years now. No estrogen or progesterone at all, which happened during the early days of the pandemic, caused the worst pain imaginable. I couldn't wear a shirt. I was taping my breasts and wearing sports bras two sizes too small just to keep them compressed and out of the way so nothing would touch them. I did that so much the tape cut my skin. Estrogen and progesterone lessen that pain, but I still have pain.

I've changed the way I carry my whole body and sleep because of this pain. I am always hunching to protect my stupid tits, and I don't reach across my upper body or hold things against my chest or let people hug me, even when I have a good day and they don't hurt so much. I'm that used to it. Because I'm not getting consistent care. And this tortured posture is contributing to my shoulder pain. Now that I've managed to wring estrogen AND progesterone out of this reluctant doctor ("You don't need progesterone unless you have a uterus. It'll make your breast pain worse. You might gain weight." *pointed look*) it hurts less, and I tripped over some exercises that are helping, but my shoulder has been hurting for years now too.

And that brings me back to my family doctor, who is supposed to take the lead and coordinate all these things, and who, in fact, gatekept me from a hormone specialist of any kind for over a year, and then referred me to these people who don't listen and don't seem to understand very basic things about hormones. At least, the gynecologist doesn't - or she's trying to dumb it down so much that she's not making any sense. I hold out some small hope the endocrinologist will see reason if I sit down and explain what's going on, but I won't see him again until March.

But, the very first referral I got from my family doctor was for the shoulder pain. He sent me to a chiropractor. She did multiple adjustments that made my shoulder numb, and burned my back with the TENS unit, probably by using dirty pads or failing to clean my skin before applying them.

Oh, and she didn't tell me. She sent me home, and I noticed the stabbing pain in my shoulder seemed a bit worse. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw this:

I took a picture so I could show her, but I decided not to go back. I went to the family doctor and said, "That chiropractor you sent me to burned my back with the TENS unit" and the response was *crickets*. A blank look and it was back to "prescribing" me more herbs and supplements. He didn't even look at it.

I have scar tissue back there now, and nerve damage that's making it harder to address the original issue. I tried to get healthcare, I didn't ask the right questions or push back hard enough, and I got hurt even worse. Story of my life.

He's still pressuring me to take "sea kelp" because "it has trace minerals." It also has iodine. Lots of it. I told him I wasn't going to take any more iodine because the endocrinologist he sent me to told me it could shut down my thyroid. So now he's telling me to take sea kelp for trace minerals, like I couldn't possibly remember the iodine part. No, I'm not that stupid. I went along with the herbs for a while, too long, because that was the only thing he was offering me, and traditional medicine hadn't helped much at that point. No, turns out I didn't need unregulated OTC supplements, I needed to keep making a pest of myself until I got some real medicine. And I'm still doing that.

I just want to get better. It's hard enough putting in the effort to get better when I've gone through so much medical neglect and so many problems have piled up without being addressed. But I can't put all my energy into self care, or even most of it. I gotta fight my doctors, and do research, and piss them off by questioning their judgment again and again and again.

I suspect my family doctor is al the root of this. He doesn't care, and he refers me to other doctors who don't care. (Except the vision specialist, I found her myself. But the problem with her is, my eye thing is so uncommon most optometrists don't know about it. So I'm stuck with her too.) But I can't get rid of him unless I move to another city... or find another family doctor who's taking new patients, but there aren't any. And the clinics that fill prescriptions and do referrals won't treat me behind his back. I went to one. I tried. "You have a family doctor, he knows you better." No, he doesn't. And if he keeps treating me this way, he's gonna kill me. Or one of 'em is.

I've had doctors try to kill me before. One of 'em got me to take a dose of iron that would've put me in the hospital if a random pharmacist hadn't caught it and told me to stop. This here Canadian healthcare is the best I've ever gotten.

And, oh my god, that is terrifying.

I'm going to make an in-person appointment with the endocrinologist and lay it on the line for him: "This is what's happening. I'm getting contradictory treatment from three sources and my life is in danger. I don't have the authority to sort you out. If you can't take charge of this mess, no one else will." But if that doesn't work, or if he cuts me off before I even say it and goes, "I only treat thyroids" I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't like that so much of the fallout lands on my spouse. He lost someone due to this kinda neglect and I do not like hammering his trauma buttons. So I'm venting here, but I don't like doing that either. My problems are so persistent and so stupid that I sound like a scam artist or a nut. (Look, they dropped Agent Orange on my dad and didn't tell him until I was in my thirties. That's at least one big reason my body doesn't work right. I didn't even have a chance.) And he's gonna read this and get upset anyway.

But this is how I'm best able to say things, in text, and I need to say it. Maybe if I practice it here, I'll be able to explain it better to the endocrinologist. Or maybe someone'll see it and tell me some Canadian method of getting rid of an awful doctor that I'm unaware of. Other than waiting for him to get disbarred or die, ya know?

This is essentially the situation I grew up in: the people who are supposed to take care of me don't want to, but they're going to smile and say they are, and any problems I may be having are all my own fault. If I want care, I gotta steal it like Coyote grabbing fire off the gods. 'Cos I need that shit to live. But that takes so much social engineering and effort and I'm so damn tired. I'm not a Trickster or a Hero. I'm hurt. I've been hurt a long time. I ain't never gonna be "normal" but what I've managed to claw out of this broke-ass system proves that I can get better.

If they'd only let me.