#My therapy and my life will be on different planes of existence & I like it like that

[stuckinapril]

Me next week. It’s all planned

I have my first ever therapy session next week & I think I’ll actually go completely dolled up. Cutest outfit curls done mascara applied blush on the apples of my cheeks perfume on pulse points a minimalistic brown wing AND lip gloss on just so I could burst into tears within 20 minutes of speaking to her

[helloholakonnichiwa]

jesus 😭

bear with me this is likely just word vomit it’s like midnight and i’m running on hot chocolate and a tadc high

I LOVED Zooble in this episode! I’d never given them much thought before, but this is definitely making me reconsider.

I love Caine, he’s my favourite character, but I definitely can’t blame Zooble and the rest of the cast for being so frustrated with him. I mean, he is a self-proclaimed ‘war-criminal.’ However, Zooble is definitely the one most open about their dislike towards Caine. We never got much of an explanation beforehand, besides them being rather blunt and edgy, but Ep3 shows us how they told Caine about their worries before - multiple times in fact - but he had always forgotten them. We don’t know if he forced them to as he did in this ep, but either way it must be frustrating for someone to put so much effort into trying to understand you, before immediately forgetting (and drawing bees while you talk).

I also love how the show shows (hah) the impact of the whole body change thing. I mean, imagine not only being transported to a whole different plane of existence and losing all memories of your life and identity, but also being forced into a body that you know isn’t yours, but don’t quite know what would make it right. It’s even worse for Zooble, who technically doesn’t even have a fixed body in TADC since their body parts can be changed. There’s a chance that the characters’ new bodies could relate to their real life identities, but to Zooble it must feel like they’ve lost out on that.

Although I didn’t relate 100%, as a trans guy I did find myself understanding a lot of what Zooble said about bodies as well. ‘I just want to find something that feels… good.’ God, wow, going right for my heart there.

And then how the therapy session switches to Zooble being Caine’s therapist. This is either because Caine forced them, they realised that Caine’s mental instability and insecurities would damage the circus (what’s up with that btw?? feel like that’ll definitely come up more in the future) or they genuinely feel sorry for him. Assuming it’s one of the latter two options, it really shows that Zooble holds a lot more empathy than they would perhaps like to put on show (I mean option 2 also has a self-saving aspect, but yk).

Also also I love how their reaction to the adventures and generally being in the circus differs from the others. Pomni has constant freak outs but still lets herself be forced into doing everything; Jax acts all tough and sarcastic; Kinger literally went crazy; Ragatha pretends that she’s ok and focuses on supporting the others, but it’s evident that she is really, really struggling; and Gangle also tries to act happily, but her happiness is literally stolen from her not after long so she remains permanently weepy. Yet, they all go through these things during the adventures as well. Zooble simply avoids it all and shuts off.

So uhh conclusions?? Idk man I’m sleep deprived

[blues-valentine]

I finished watching Manifest a few weeks ago, so my comments are probably old but here it is. It’s not a bad ending by any means — but if the original idea was for them to be back to the day the plane landed but make the right choices then why develop all of those relationships in the last season if it wasn’t going to mean much of anything in the finale. It’s like they wanted to give the audience everything and nothing for the last season at the same time. And it sucks.

The first thing, if they wanted Zeke x Michaela to be endgame since the start, why not actually make Jared fall in love with Drea like genuinely instead of relinking his relationship with Mick, making them be happy all of Season 4 but then forcing a Drea pregnancy and ultimately get Michaela to send him away to her? I feel like Drea deserved for Jared to choose her on his own and not because Michaela said not to him. It was so lame to give them a one episode endgame that didn’t feel earned when they could’ve build to that on Season 3/Season 4. I get Mick needed to be with Jared to see what she wanted but it could’ve been done better.

I never cared about TJ nd Olive since it was weird that TJ was 18 and Olive was 12 when they first saw each other. They managed to make their relationship less creepy after the time jump since Olive was a little older and “TJ was mentally still 18” but it didn’t make it less inappropriate. I didn’t care when he left and didn’t care when he came back but I get it since he was an OG passenger but the writers were obsessed with giving Olive a love interest when most of it didn’t add anything to the plot. And at the finale, it was clear that their relationship isn’t happening (at least in a loong time) since Olive needs to be a child, as it was meant to be and in the finale they made it seem like TJ and Violet (Adult Cal!first date) might be a future thing. So, was their romance on Season 4 even necessary? And I didn’t forget the college guy they made Olive date on Season 3 for nothing.

And then there’s the Saanvi and Ben thing.

Since the very start of the series they had such chemistry. And I don’t know if that was the idea or it was just the actors but they got in each other’s personal space real quick. And then they hinted at Saanvi’s romantic feelings for Ben in one of her therapy sessions — but I was still okay with them never crossing that line & keeping it platonic. Then, Grace dies and they still didn’t go there so at that point I thought they were going to keep it platonic but then they did made it canon and emphasized on how strong their connection is to the point they don’t feel it with anyone else — and a physical attraction they themselves are very aware of. And not just them but even Mick notices too. And they act on that attraction. Saanvi is Ben’s intellectual soulmate and best friend, in canon. He would trust her with his life in a heartbeat and viceversa. For about 6 years, they were each other’s confidants. And so, the show makes it canon but then backtracks and goes “but they still love their other partners and would go back to them” and that would be fine since it’s fair but here’s the thing with all that:

In the finale, they landed the day they were all supposed to land but now with some different perspective and experiences to make certain choices about their lives. They [the passengers] got to have and remember those experiences, not the people in their life. Ben, Saanvi, Mick are canonically different people from what they were — which is not true for the people in their life. Grace and Ben were at the verge of divorce before the plane — so magically that’s gonna be resolved now since Ben got to live a life where he loses her but she doesn’t even remember? The issues in Grace and Ben’s marriage won’t exist now that Ben knows Cal will be cured? Okay. Will Alex truly leave her husband and committ to an exclusive relationship with Saanvi? Because that was their issue as well.

And you want to tell me neither of those women will notice that there’s this connection between Ben and Saanvi that seems way too deep for two people that just met on a 4 hour flight? I don’t know about Alex but will Grace not feel threatened by this inexplicable bond and would they ever be able to fully be happy with their partners if they aren’t honest about all the experiences they shared together and some that would even count as emotional cheating? Like, we saw during the finale how Ben was so not ready to lose Saanvi. And it’s not like Saanvi will be away from their new life, she will be Cal’s doctor and will be in their life the same way she was in their old life. Grace and Ben were able to fix their relationship before because the callings were affecting Cal since she understandably didn’t believe Ben at first but now Cal doesn’t remember either. Then, she got pregnant and that gave their relationship a new propose but now nothing guarantees that their relationship will turn out the same way without those heavy circumstances. I’d like to think both Saanvi and Ben needed the chance to be with them the way it was supposed to be and see if it’s actually going to work out but I don’t think it will because 2023 Grace and Alex are still their 2018 selves while Ben and Saanvi are not.

The situation is different from Mick because neither Jared or Zeke have memories of what went down — she’s the only one that got to have a future with both of them and choose which one she wanted. That whole journey allowed her to understand that Jared and her might want different things from life and they would only get marry to fill a void — and she knows there’s other people that will align more with what they’d want for the future. It makes sense that she didn’t went back to what she was going to do before the plane dissapear. So, it doesn’t make sense for Ben or Saanvi to go back to their old life without thinking there won’t be any changes with their entire dynamic.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Please...

Alright...Is everything ready?

Ryuji, off-screen: Camera's been set up and everything is in place. I've started recording.

Wait, already!?

Ryuji: We can cut out the parts that you don't want left in...But I have to ask, Mahiru...Are you sure you want to do this?

Some things need to be said, Ryuji. It'd probably be better if it came from my mouth anyway.

Ryuji: Alright, if you're sure. Start whenever.

Alright...

*Mahiru clears her throat.

Hello everyone...As you all know, I am Mahiru Koizumi, the former Ultimate Photographer, Remnant of Despair, and agent of Branch 3 of the Future Foundation.

And yes, I am speaking directly to those who follow this blog. The anons. Nice to speak with you directly for once when I'm not answering your questions.

I do, deep down, wish that what I want to talk about could be something a little more lighthearted.

Not that this is anything TOO serious, but still something that's gotten to the point that I need to bring it up and...just ask people kindly for a favor.

Alright, so...I guess I should start by providing a bit of context.

Recently, we had a big wash out of the asks in the box. Answering everything that was stored in there before today so that we have a clean box for when we open it again this weekend.

Keep in mind that though the box may open, we no longer have a schedule for answering asks. We will likely only do it when we have availability to do so. I hope you guys can understand that, but...that's not what I'm here to talk about.

Something that we noticed...as we were going through the asks...is that there was an abundance of a certain type of ask...

Now, since this blog started to gain followers, many people from all walks of life have come to visit, ask, and follow our adventures. And I cannot enforce enough just how grateful we are for all of that, and for all of you.

But...we need to make sure that we're all on the same page here, so I'm here to talk about a specific group of people...who are sending these very horny, degenerate asks, prying into our romantic and sex lives.

Now, let's state the facts here. We have rules on this blog that we expect everyone who comes here to follow, but we do not have a specific rule saying these sorts of asks are forbidden. And they shouldn't be. We encourage people to speak their mind here, and even though we're not therapy central by any means, the purpose of this blog is to hear people out, and answer questions that they want to have answered.

That includes these sorts of asks, but know that we are not obligated to answer them. But we can, and we usually do.

The reason I'm here talking is, as you might have noticed, me and my...well, fiancé, I suppose...get these asks a LOT. People constantly picture in their heads the idea of us being a super freaky couple behind closed doors, and...constantly pry into that.

Do I like it when they do that? No.

Do I think I can stop it? Also no.

And I don't know if I would really want to stop it, since I don't like the idea of not giving the people who follow us what we want...However...

What you have to understand is...just because we exist on different planes than you, we are still living creatures at the end of the day. Even if you don't see us as such. It's fine if you don't, heck, you shouldn't be blending our world with yours but...I need to level with you guys...

When clearing out the box, there were...a lot...of horny, and/or otherwise super sensitive, explicate, perverted asks...SO many...and...I hope you can understand that even though we don't put restrictions on that kind of thing, no one here really wants THAT stuff to be the main content of this blog.

I mean, my friends tease me on my sex life all the time, so there's nothing wrong with what people are doing...

...Mostly...

See, the thing is...there are some asks...I don't know who it is specifically, because of anonymous questioning...who are sending these asks that...are a little over the top.

Stuff like asking me if I can get naked for Hajime or Izuru...Asking Makoto what his favorite sex position is...Stuff like that.

Now, if you are one of the anons, I want to ask you a question. Do you walk up to people that you don't really know too well, and ask them those sorts of questions in real life?

I bet you don't. And if in some cases, you DO? I'm sorry to say this so bluntly, but that's messed up and wrong.

To make matters worse, we have received DM's from some people asking about the ask box being closed, and whether or not their degenerate asks are being answered...and...

People are being...angry? When they hear that we won't answer them? Like, you sent an ask where you asked someone to slap my bare butt, and when we refuse to answer because it doesn't fit with the rules, that upsets you guys.

[lunion]

There's something that's been hurting me for the longest time that I want to vent about, though it can be lenghty. Also, spoilers for Mother 3.

The mother series have been for the longest time my favorite videogame franchise of all time. However, this last year I realized it was no longer the case. That wouldn't be a problem if iy weren't for the reason behind it: My best friend and the discussion we had.

Context time:

I had a sheltered, but otherwise unpleasant childhood. Bullied at school, difficulties on social circles, depressed mother and absent father getting a divorce, a complicated relationship with organized religion... life for kid-me was unfulfilling, underwhelming and gave me nothing to look forward for the future.

However, one of the things that kept me going was indeed, the Mother series. It stroke the perfect and necessary balance to give me hope. It's not a perfect comfort game where nothing goes wrong because it'd feel cheap like "of course these people are happy. These problems were conveniently removed from game", but neither it was a tragedy fest where every problem is real and we can never get a break from the suffering ever. The Mother series acknowledged a lot of problems like police corruption, parental abuse, loss and so forth, but in a palatable manner that made me believe that we could overcome these things.

Eventually, childhood and adolencence have passed and I found myself breaking away from organized religion to find my own faith. I stumbled here and there, but I was moving forward.

And then comes in my best friend.

He's still one of the most caring people i've ever met, but unfortunately, he has a flaw that can make it hard to deal with sometimes. A poorly repressed, yet never acknowledged contempt for spirituality and religion.

We've had some discussions about it before, but the gist of it is that he would try to say something like "you're free to follow whatever religion you want", but always with the undertone of "but you're fucking stupid AND coping for doing so"

Then comes these last 5 years.

These last god forsaken 5 years of my life were filled to the brim with struggle, solitude and pushing through a pervading feeling of aimlessness as I tell myself my goals are not for naught.

My friend group withered, I moved away back to the hometown I hate, had no one that shared my beliefs with me, I started dealing with family problems so bad I had to go back to therapy and the pandemic did not help.

Practicing one's faith alone during this time was also much harder, especially when I started questioning my own beliefs.

Last year, I visited my friend just to hang out. I don't even remember how we got to the topic of spirituality, but I know we did and he asked me to explain my faith to him again. TL;DR, I share many buddhist principles, believe in past lives and higher planes of existance.

The real challenge was trying to explain it to him in a way he wouldn't dismiss as an hallucination, delirium or otherwise.

I could not.

I left that conversation feeling absolutely stupid of ever believing in any semblance of religion or any faith.

Fast forward for a couple months later and I am playing Mother 3.

I've cleared the mother series about 6 times at this point and every couple of years I'd play them all over again because I always come out differently from the experience, given how I've changed and my different lens let me appreciate the games more and in differnt ways.

This time, something very different happened.

I was at the end of the game, during the Masked Man fight. As any Mother fan can tell, the most emotional point in the series. But here is the thing. Unlike every other time I played the game, when Hinawa appeared in that scene, I was not overcome with emotion, relief or even moved.

Instead, my only thought was "what the fuck is this doing here?"

This scene, which brought me to tears many times before and made me cherish the love shared between these characters and even between people in real life, was now making me cringe and feel disgusted.

At that moment. It felt cheap. It felt like it was 'coping', as thoughts swimmed through my head:

"Talk about wish fulfilment. Kid's so traumatized he's making up in his mind his mother is still alive."

"Why tf can't people accept that hinawa is fucking dead? She and everything she brought is GONE. No amount of wishing will ever change that in any meaningful way."

"This is stupid"

All of these things came to me during what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful scenes I've seen in fiction. One of the moments that gave me the most pain, but also the most strenght.

At that moment, I was also crying, but not because the usual reasons.

I was crying because I saw myself, couldn't recognize myself and I didn't like what I saw.

The next months were rough. A good therapist helped, though.

I learned I can't have everyone, especially those who are set in their own beliefs, to validate mine, even if they are family or best friends.

I know I was sensitive at the time for all the problems that I mentioned ealier in this post.

But I also realized that my diminished affection towards the mother games were not to do with me growing up, but due to a bad memory staining my feelings for the games. A memory that has nothing to do with the games themselves and more to do with how hurt and stupid I felt because of that discussion that I had.

I no longer feel like that, but the feeling of hurt still remains. I want to start healing from it. Putting all this experience in words is the first step.

[league-of-sam]

As Grim as the Reaper | Simon 'GHOST' Riley PREQUEL

Ghost x Reader, Graves x Reader

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

Phillip Graves x AFAB!Reader!OC 18+ MINORS DNI! t.w // angst, mental health, language, violence, death, sexual themes/SMUT, military inaccuracies, language inaccuracies (google translate).

As Grim as the Reaper: Masterlist

Why were break-ups so fucking hard?

You'd barely moved for the first two weeks since you got back to Laswell's, your bags remained unpacked, collecting dust in the corner of the spare room - your room. The only time you moved was to use the bathroom or eat, and several times, Laswell had had to take it upon herself to get you into the shower.

The emptiness was so large within you, you weren't sure how it could ever be filled again.

But fuck, were people trying.

If Laswell was on base, her wife sat with you all day. Either she'd join you in the bed, holding you close and sticking on some shitty reality tv. Or, she'd sit on the armchair, quietly watching over you as she read a book or continued her knitting.

Either way, you were rarely alone.

Which was a good thing, to be honest. Laswell had seen you go into countless wars, she'd seen you take knives and bullets, explosions. But the way you sobbed as she drove you home that day...that was the most fear she'd felt for your life.

At that point, she was the most unsure she'd ever been when posed with the question that you'd make it through this.

Your hand was still clamped over your mouth in a desperate effort to control the sobs as the tears falling from your eyes refused to relent.

She'd never seen you cry like this before. It was so different from hearing it over comms. Being right there, and seeing how much pain you were in, was killing her inside.

"(Y/N), sweetie, deep breaths honey." She tried, placing a hand on your knee. "C'mon, calm down for me. It's okay."

You shook your head quickly, moving your hands to grip hers, "I-It's n-not, mama, n-not ok-kay. Not g-gonna be."

"What happened?"

"Left h-him." you hiccupped, "It's-s over. He s-said it was my f-fault, mama. He said-"

You couldn't say any more, another wave of sobs attacking your chest. You squeezed her hand in yours tightly, it being the only thing grounding you enough to keep you on this plane of existence.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry."

For the rest of the journey, the only sound was you, crying, sniffling, sobbing, barely able to catch your breath.

Every emotion you'd tried so desperately to hold down, to be stronger than, was coming out uncontrollably.

By the time you were able to speak again, you were wrapped up in bed, the room in darkness except for the small lamp, and you had Laswell holding you tightly. By now, the tears were falling silently.

"You gonna tell me why he was bleeding?"

"Threw the ring at him."

Laswell glanced down then, only just noticing that you were, in fact, no longer wearing your engagement ring. Her heart broke for you - no, she may have never truly liked Graves, but she knew how much you loved him, how much he meant to you.

"What happened, sweetie?" She spoke, tenderly rubbing your arm.

"He said it was my fault. Everything that's happened...losing the guys, losing my mind, our relationship- he s-said it was all me."

"You know that's not true, don't you?"

"What if it is? What if he's right?"

Laswell was quick to extend your therapy sessions after that night.

You'd been making incredible progress, and she'd kill Graves before she let him set you back any more than he already had. 

She made every effort to keep you away from him, starting with pulling strings in the IT department to have your records sealed from him, have every way he could ever contact you completely cut off. Kate Laswell wanted to do everything in her power to protect her girl, and if that meant keeping you a secret, then so be it.

It took you almost three weeks to return to base after what happened.

But Doc was right, you needed to get back into training, back to yourself. It was time for you to fight to get your life back, and so that's what you did.

Every day, you went into work with Laswell, who ensured that Graves was never where you needed to be. You went to therapy for two hours, dropping to one when Doc could see the progress you were making. And then, you spent the rest of the day in the gym or training with some of the new recruits.

You kept to yourself mostly, but slowly, you were becoming less of a shell. Slowly, you were coming back.

You even went as far as wearing your mask. You'd put it on when doing the food shop with Kate, or when you were in the gym. It stayed on when moving around in public, only coming off at home, and during combat training.

That was something you couldn't quite handle yet.

Of course, people had reached out to you, but you couldn't bring yourself to tell them what had been going on. You even made Laswell swear not to tell. 

So, on the few occasions that you had a text from Alex, or a poor-signal phone call from John, you acted like life in the US Special Ops was as perfect as you always made it out to be.

You couldn't bear the thought of them knowing how hard things were for you. They had bigger things to worry about, and you refused to be a reason where someone else got hurt because they were too focused on you.

No longer would you be the reason anyone got hurt ever again.

Mariah couldn't understand that. She was the only one you told - the second she knew, she was around Laswell's with cake and cuddles faster than anyone else could have been. She held you as you cried, comforted you as you told her everything, and scolded you once again when you apologised over and over.

"Listen to me, Lieutenant Price," she said, taking your face in her hands and wiping your tears. "I don't know how else to drill it into you that I do not blame you, but this was not your fault. None of it. It never was, and it never will be."

"But-"

"No buts! My Ryan was an amazing man, s'why I married him, but he shared your stubbornness, and I'd bet my life on it that he wanted to save you as much as you wanted to save him. That's why he told you to run. He gave his life for yours, willingly."

"I wish he hadn't. I miss them all so much...it hurts too much."

Her own tears began to fall, then, "Don't ever say that, honey. He wanted you to live, so you're gonna make him fuckin' proud and live, okay?"

Her sternness made you laugh a little, and soon, the two of you were smiling wet smiles, holding each other tightly.

Mariah was right; if you couldn't live for you, you'd live for them. 

You'd do the Echo 6 team proud, and be happy.

Walking through the door, you sighed, dropping your gym bag by the door and kicking off your shoes.

Padding through the hall and to the living room, you pulled off your mask - Doc was right, wearing it out of work situations was helping you in getting back to yourself, getting back to Reaper, without the dread of losing control.

And fuck, had you been working hard.

You'd not returned to base since breaking things off with Graves, and Laswell had fought for you to have extended leave as she sorted things out.

But slowly, you were coming back. The sparkle was returning, your smile was almost there.

"Come sit down, sweetie."

Laswell's voice had startled you, and as you looked up, she was sat on the sofa, her wife next to her. Both of them were giving you the same look you'd seen a thousand times since you'd moved in; a look of love mixed with worry.

It made you chuckle, though the feeling of having these two women take care of you was something indescribable, and you'd never felt luckier to still have some family.

"Is everything okay?" You asked, taking a seat across from them.

"First," Laswell started, reaching over to take your hand, "I need to let you know how proud I am of you. I spoke to your doctor and she says you've done great, you're making amazing progress."

It was hard not to tear up at the praise she was giving you.

"Thanks, ma." 

She leaned forward, placing a kiss to your forehead before speaking once more, "I'm saying this now, because General Shepherd has decided it's time for you to return to the field."

Your eyes widened, hands becoming clammy, "W-what?"

"Things have escalated with Hassan, and there is now missing American missiles, which we have found to be in the hands of the AQ. We need you, lieutenant. I've gone ahead and arranged for you to join the team we have on this already."

"A new team? N-no...I can't do that, please don't make me go-"

"I'm sorry, honey, I don't really have the choice, but please trust me when I say it'll be different this time. You're gonna be okay."

You couldn't help but shed a few tears - it'd come up to four months since you lost your team, two months since you'd broken down and had weeks of therapy. 

Yet it felt way to soon.

Were you really ready for this?

"When do I start?" You mumbled, picking at your dog tags.

"We leave for Las Almas, Mexico in 48 hours."

After moments of staring at your shoes, you nodded slowly, accepting this new post. You were pulled to your feet, embraced in the arms of the loving women, both of them fully knowing of the battle you were having in your head.

"Don't worry, sweetie, I'm taking you home...I'm taking you home."

Home?

Where was home?

There was only one way to find out.

a|n: and there it is, you're all caught up. thank you so so much for the love, and taking the time to read my works. i appreciate every single one of you. this is not the end, more coming soon.

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[masschase]

6, 14, 23, and 24 for casey for the edgy ask meme

Edgy/Misc OC ask meme (still accepting, will spread throughout the weekend)

This is a super long post due to my answer to the last one! If I tagged you in this it just means I mentioned your Boss OC somewhere in my list of universes Casey exists in, don't feel it means you have to read it! 😅

6. How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Casey arguably doesn't have much of a moral compass to begin with so if something goes against it, chances are it's something she has a strong personal objection to/thinks is pure evil. On that basis I don't think it'd be that easy.

That said, if someone knew her well enough to appeal to what's important to her, to convince her that it's beneficial for her friends/the Saints as a whole, I think she could eventually be swayed.

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

Casey spends a lot of time claiming to be unapologetic about who she is, but at the same time I think deep down she does want everyone to be her friend, and I think in some convoluted way the whole "I'm an asshole, take me or leave me" thing is actually a mix of self-defence and thinking people find that attitude itself appealing. And a little bit of truth, lol.

I think the proof of this is in the fact she gets surprised when people actually like her vulnerable side. She thinks showing her vulnerability makes her unlikeable. So the fact she hides that makes it clear to me she wants to be liked. I think one of the reasons she mirrors other people's traits (sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously) is related to this too.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Grief is one of the hardest for her to process, I think, it's why it invades her subconscious in dreams and such so heavily. In fact I think grief that she's not fully dealt with affects her character in a lot of ways. I don't know if forgiveness is an emotion but if so she's terrible with that too. She has a pretty good memory and she holds grudges like... forever.

In terms of express, you'd think it would be loving feelings but actually although she avoids romantic love for so long, I don't think she actually finds it hard to show love in general, she just has her own ways to express it. Like ok, she's not great at initiating physical touch as I'm sure I've said like 1000 times, so she might not hug her friends much but she'd die for them. She will occasionally express her affection for them verbally, she's a pretty good gift-giver, she's chill with a lot of things that might annoy other people.

So this ties back into the grief thing but my actual answer would be any kind of overwhelming sadness, really, because she struggles to cry so much. She has that thing I've talked about before where she finds it hard to cry about real life, but cries at movies and other media. If it's a movie where the situation is actually relateable, she practically breaks down.

Therapy does change that a little. Like if a friend were dying in her arms then yeah she'd be sobbing if she's post-therapy(whereas pre-therapy, say with Carlos she sat there staring into space for a good while). But stuff like Johnny "dying" on the plane, the earth blowing up? It's not as visceral, so she struggles to process it. And seeing as she's a very denial-based character, she spends so much longer in that first stage.

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Ohhhhhhh this is so hard because thanks to AUs I have so many different iterations of this! But I'm going to look primarily at events her life and not so much at external factors like the earth exploding or not exploding, the Saints becoming vampires... etc. etc.

I play around with her age in a few AUs because I believe that has a major impact on her family life. (and ok it's partly because of the "coma years don't count" joke bc she's always 1990 if she's the Boss) Being taken care of by her sister means a larger gap actually means better care, though more isolation from her peers without Mori. It creates quite a different person.

I also play around with her level of education and whether she got anywhere with the literature degree she wanted to do. I find it funny that she often ends up like... a librarian before leaving to do something cool like be a vampire hunter or an assassin or a jewel thief. All I know is I can't just like... leave her there. I think it's funny but I don't like that for her forever. She's too good with tactics and pistols and being awesome, obviously.

But what about more specific choices/differences? (a.k.a. ooh an excuse to list some of my AUs!)

I had mentions of some choices her parents made before her birth: investing in what turned out to be amazing stocks, moving to Paris for her dad's job, naming her the other choice for her name. They could all lead to different possibilities for Casey/Sephy, but if all of these take place, she becomes Persephone Brimstone, that is the Agents Of Mayhem Universe. I actually... don't know much about AOM but I made a little throw-in mention of it so it counts as a possibility. One could argue Johnny picking the reset ending of GOOH is actually what causes this, but in-universe, that's the explanation.

Obviously the big one is whether she ends up on that street corner, like that's always the determining factor to whether she becomes Playa(whether or not she becomes "Boss" is not necessarily in line with this choice as I'll get into in two different places below). There are a few reasons that she might not be there as I've got into before.

If she's alone there, and goes through more or less all the canon events of SR1-GOOH, as well as my in-between and post-game additions, that is Casey's Main Universe.

But... what if she quite literally bumps into a boy of around the same age on that street corner right before everything goes down? That's @zoo-the-saint's Zoo! If so, chances are they go through most of the events of SR1 together, setting up some other tangents leading to multiple AUs:

-> When Julius leaves it ambiguous which of them they leave the gang to, does it end in a stalemate? That's one of the Double Boss AUs! Those two fuckers have their ups and downs friends-wise (and benefits-wise) but they always seem to do everything together, get the best of both worlds in any sort of two-way choice, and are Definitely Totally Not In Love Because They Don't Do That Sort Of Thing.

-> -> The original Canon Compliant Double Boss AU is one I wrote a long ramble for way back and might post some time, and this is the one I know for a fact ends with the Zoo/Matt/Casey triad Cazoom. It incorporates Casey and Zoo's stories with Matt in their own universes as best as I could.

-> -> There is also a situation where the two Bosses end up being idolised but later hated by Noah Johnson/The Faceless, who captures and tortures the Saints and kills many of them leaving the others devastated. That's The Cult Of Celebrity AU, and I'm mentioning this for a really important reason; this is the only AU I have that features Santo Ileso! With the remainder of the gang all pretty broken, and intent on she and Zoo retiring, Casey suggests the survivors make a fresh start there, with the Saints name being taken over by one of their most resilient lieutenants, @iamkinzie's Rose, who ends up recruiting Kevin, Neenah and Eli.

Orrrrrrr... going back to the fight in SR1, do Casey and Zoo fight until he gives her a chance to run and she takes it out of (not that she'll admit it) genuine fear for her life? That's the Sinners AU. She holds a grudge against the Saints for many years and eventually stages an attack post-SR3. A very loosely Die-Hard inspired New Year's attack 😆 I want to do some designs for all the characters outfits so badly but it's going to be a big project!

So... on the other side of things, what if Casey's not on that corner? What if she's never Playa?

Well I do have the undefined potential universe where Casey is NOT Playa but IS Boss; taking over the Saints in Saints Row 2. This was just based on the fact that I didn't try and make her when I first played SR1, I just made A Random Dude(not to be confused with Noah who is Just Some Guy). I never really sorted out what then happens to the original Playa in that situation. We'll call that the Boss Swap AU? Tbh the only time I can see using that is if someone else wants to write a story with me with their OC as Playa, because I don't have much of interest to do with my own OCs in that position yet.

There's a few scenarios where I can see Casey ending up as a lieutenant of the Saints because she joins during SR2 under an existing Boss. Depending on age, as above, this can be at 16 and she has a similar temperament to sr1, or it can be at 21 when she's had some time to develop as her own person, and I think that really impacts what sort of person she is. Anyway, without the SR1 interaction with Dex she never becomes as good a tactical planner, and she's obviously not the leader, so she's really just a skilled gunwoman and thief.

If she has no real association with the Saints, but is still very much drawn to a life of crime and longing for slightly older women, that's potentially the toXic Universe! She falls for @snail-eggs Xixi Rosario(also not a Boss in this universe though I imagine she still has ties to the Saints due to her family) and follows her around like a puppy (where's that "submissive like an attack dog is submissive" thing again?). They steal and get wasted and fuck and crash cars and confess their love while being dragged away in handcuffs. They're not good for each other but the love is there. In the long term... if they're lucky they might end up escaping to a desert island together. Or Casey ends up in a triad with Xixi's younger sister Van and her boyfriend who is definitely not Matt Miller. But most likely they die while speeding away from the cops 🥲

If she highly idolises the Saints and their pink-haired leader in her teens (again this is with her having the '95 birthdate) but gets told she's too young (by the way she has some major similarities to Noah here but her reaction is... FAR less convoluted and deranged) when she asks to join, and sets up her own gang, Negative Space... that's @whoredmode's Anteros's Main Universe. NS is not the kind of well organised, professional gang she has with the Sinners. Frankly Anteros's Saints take them out pretty easily. After that... well I would say that whole thing probably scares her back to getting her degree as mentioned before, and probably does work at Stilwater Library for a while after all. After that... well there's plenty of interesting stuff going on in Stilwater on that universe, it'd be interesting to know if she gets involved in any way. Teddy, I leave her in your capable hands; if you think of an interesting way she can be involved then I'd love to know, if not that's fine too! Either way she's your problem now 😆

And then for something different entirely, there's Saints High, which sees all the canons and all the ocs in school together and basically-

...OK just kidding. Mostly. I don't usually do those kind of "x if they were y" AUs, though I'm sure one will suddenly smack me across the face one day. I do have other AUs. It's just that they're not down to factors in Casey's life so much, more changes changes in canon characters lives or other factors.

Anyway... wasn't expecting this to end up quite this long and I'm not even sure how well it answered the question but as you can tell, I had a lot of fun with it!

[rainecloud020604]

RAINE idk where you want to say it but can you tell me more about Universo's Holy Sinners AU 🥺I was thinking about it lots today and I wanna hear your Thoughts

oh my god this post ended up a mile long under the cut with ye!!

okay SO :3c Holy sinners is actually an AU that @flowerrose14 came up with by going "hehe wouldnt it be funny if Anthony was a demon and Universo was a priest and they had a thing going on" and well yea how could I not go wild with an idea like that? In Aus i do like to do things like change ocs species if need be, as for this au Universo instead of being a god is in fact an angel disguised as a priest on earth

Now the reason they are disguised is because he has been walking on the earth since like the late late 1800s and has grasped this is an area mortals tend to well use this position for power and manipulate people and Universo wanted to find a way to eliminate that, as well as get away from the role of a warrior angel as slaying demons constantly gets tiring and boring after a few hundred years :( finding a way to work themself into being a priest and also finding a specific church to work on and rid it of corruption and rebuild it to be more open and safe to all people of hell even different religions too

This is just a small but big goal universo has been working on for a WHILE, and in the mean time having a job got them a little too much money than he needed so in the 1950s they had a huge house built, several rooms and they planned it out perfectly so it could have several people living there as Uni wanted another place for people to be able to come to and live for a bit or a while if needed, the roof is high enough for them to get through and the smallest room is theirs as he doesnt really need that much and wants any people who he takes in to feel comfortable and get the room they prefer and not have to have the smallest one

though all of this is background stuff on this universo <33 it is minor things but it leads up to current uni who is a priest, and has a few kids hes taken custody of living in their house of all sorts of traumatized origins that well what can they do other than make sure they are comfortable and have a place the feel safe <3 Though there is Artsy who hates them because of Anthony's influence on her which leads to a lot of spite fueled actions where uni sits there going "okay good luck be safe" and her getting pissy ahfdkjhsfash

All while duel wielding this universo has to deal with Anthony. Who honestly just pisses off universo SO much because its just constant fighting and exorcisms and dealing with his bullshit that is flirting????? fucked up flirting???? Anthony just annoys Universo to hell and back and gets under their skin often enough that Uni has almost almost considered wiping Anthony off of this plane of existence because of this demons bullshit, but they havent so its fine! It's only like Anthony ripped off Universos brothers wings at some point and thats when universo finally snapped to let anthony get a small taste of what they are hiding underneath that guise of a priest <3 After all universo puts a lot of energy into concealing their aura of how powerful of an angel they are because well that can draw a lot of attention from demons he doesnt want at all! Though Anthony isn't helping at all :/

A lot of universos life is private though part of it is dragged into the public eye against their will, after all you house a cult victim and the news wants to be in your face constantly about it when shes out and about with you as you are trying to help her through exposure therapy to get out of the house a little more. A lot of this bullshit just annoys Universo but they do their best to appear relaxed and unbothered by it constantly, after all its just stupid stuff no need to give the public some entertainment while you are trying to help someone out >:( especially recovering from something traumatic, though his home life otherwise is rather chaotic in other means, got two ghosts in the house who were guardians of one kid who uni has decided to make sure their graves were proper and also the documentary about them and their criminal past before death didnt misgender either of them, its all a little chaotic but thats okay! after all Universo did in fact kinda welcome this into the house <3

theres so much going on with him and it makes me ghjekrgkehgerhgjk because they choose to juggle so much and its fine, he can handle being a holy man on top of this and making sure people of all practices have a place to do so <3 Universo rebuilt a catholic church for this purpose and he'll be damn sure this is a safe place as it took a lot of work

[histronic-gizmo]

Guess who wrote an entire rant in response to an anti who tagged me in a post regarding the Stanley parable, only for it to not post because they had blocked me by the time I hit send 💀

I'm gonna rewrite it here

@the-redacted-line (obvi don't harrass them, don't engage with them, i don't know the full INs and OUTs of how blocking on tumblr works but I'm hoping they'll see this)

Here's the tags they put in that post

I never was saying I want to see problematic content of TSP, there's already a few good things on AO3, I was complaining because I'm barred from interacting with 90% of the TSP fandom here on Tumblr.

The Stanley Parable is SO important to me, I can't express that enough. I actively avoid problematic fan work with it because it's not something I enjoy or seek out with this game. I just, Yk, support people who do want that!

I'm upset that I can't interact with amazing art because I'm not an asshole about made up and intangible shit. I'm upset I can't make friends with most people who enjoy this thing because I'll be called a p*dophile.

I'm not at fault for YOU seeing my proship post that was tagged with 4 different variations of "proship" solely for filtering purposes. If YOU don't want to see proship stuff, filter the tags. The filtering system exists for a goddamn reason.

I have a long list of variations of various things filtered and I never see shit I don't want to see. And when I do? Guess what's going in my filter list?

I was sexually assaulted as a child and I am haunted with terrible intrusive thoughts of sexual assaults, murder and violence. I go to therapy and I've done all the coping mechanisms in the book. Nothing has been nearly as effective as coping with fiction. My therapist and I work extensively to make sure it's not having the opposite effect on me.

Some antis argue that if it's to cope, you should keep it to yourself. I'm disabled, and I don't always have the energy or resources to create this content I need to cope with my day to day life. People posting fanfiction, Fanart, original work, and other fanwork with problematic content is almost the only way I can access this coping mechanism.

Problematic content is IMPORTANT. It's not for everyone, it's not supposed to BE for everyone. Like everytjing, it should be clearly marked, tagged and labeled so people who don't want to and shouldn't see it DONT.

There are very little problematic fanworks that aren't clearly marked. The ones aren't marked are a problem that should be addressed, but the solution isn't to ban and shame problematic content.

Proshipper doesn't stand for "Problematic Shipper", it stands for "Pro Shipping". It's supporting people who are problematic shippers.

Its an acknowledgement that fiction affects reality, but in a different way than reality affects reality. It's an acknowledgement that people can explore things in fiction without it bearing any meaning on them as a person. It's an acknowledgement that it can affect reality and make people's trauma worse, so things should be clearly marked. It's an acknowledgement that fiction can affect reality and give survivors a safe environment to work through their trauma.

Its an acknowledgement that fiction and reality are different planes of existence. They're connected in so many ways but they are seperate.

It's an acknowledgement that survivors deserve to heal. Just because my way of healing doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's disgusting and shouldn't be used. Just because it's unhealthy for you doesn't mean it's unhealthy for me.

No one is trying to say you have to want to see, make, or support problematic fictional content. All we ask is that you stop labeling it as wrong, disgusting, and unhealthy. All we ask is that people who don't like it stop harrassing and demeaning those who do.

I have no idea what this person in particular has done, I doubt they've done anything, they haven't harrassed me. I want to make that clear.

It's just hard to be on your side when your side got me in the emergency room because of the massive amount of death threats, graphic violence descriptions, and insults I got in my Tumblr ask box on a daily basis.

I rarely ship problematic ships because my hyperfixation rarely have an opportunity for them (if we ignore Rick and Morty, that's very recent and out of the ordinary for me)

But I refuse to support and be in the side of people who think fiction is so much more important than reality that I get told I deserved to be raped as a child because I thought two cartoon characters should kiss.

You may not have said that, but that's who's side your on.

[hhappylliving]

was just going through facebook memories. I posted a bunch of my photos from studying abroad in 2012 TWELVE years ago today.

It made me realize how much of my time I had forgotten.

Like there was this girl who commented on something and I completely forgot of her existence. Like I had to go to her facebook and click through old pictures to even place her name to her face.

Studying abroad within the last few years (sans covid) would look so much different than my time. More easy access to service on my cellphone/ability to have service on my cellphone internationally always/easier access to internet sims/access to gps and googlemaps and reviews etc...

This kid I work with is slightly younger than I was in 2012 and we were talking about life (because apparently I dont know how to have non-serious topic conversations with people significantly older. I blame it on the years of counseling training/only coming in contact with younger people when they walk in as therapy clients)- and he was talking about all the travel he wants to do blahblahblah and like how its easy to get a hostel "at his age" in foreign countries because they have ones dedicated to only younger people etc blahblah. And like zero questions were asked of me- which is fine, I dont care and its not the point- but like he has no idea. He has no idea that I'm not just some """"""bummed"""""" 30 year old working at a gym overnight. Like he doesn't know my life and some of the things he's talking about I have done. I have taken 24 hours worth of a plane ride to get to the other side of the world.

idk I just thought it was a bit... ironic or just coincidental that I was thinking about all of this just yesterday (or whenever, idk working nights has fucked over my ability to know what days is which), and then I get this rush of memories because I'm looking through pictures on facebook.

getting older is so weird. Things I never thought I'd forget, have just vanished. people don't know all the more life you've lived and experiences you've had just because you're in the same place at the same time means absolutely nothing.

[speedysarah1]

i am just so lost. i am so sad and depressed and i dont want to do anything. when i try everything is blocked. i feel so empty and so alone and so done with the world. i want to live a different life. i no longer desire this one. but what can I do?

i halfway hoped the simulation would end when taylor won the superbowl. i know that sounds crazy but it's just such a fairy tale that i thought it might sheer us into another plane of existence.

that's a lie. i knew we wouldn't be. i was just hoping for an end.

with my genes, i'm going to live to 90 at least, 100 more likely. i am 30 now and already so tired. i listen to my sweet grandma accept that she's at the end of the road, and how she's ready to cross the threshold whenever the lord is ready for her. i find myself wishing that he would be ready for me too.

i don't believe in god anymore. not the way i did when i was a kid raised to go to church and after school bible study and baptisms and all that. i remember getting tested over memorizing prayers. my dad and i prayed every night together, practising so i could perform for the priest and be okayed to take my first communion. the priest had my dad grade me, and i said those four prayers perfectly. my dad didn't given me top marks though, because my legs had been swaying.

feels like i'm always graded on an unknown scale. this morning my partner asked why it took me an hour post workout to make it upstairs. i said i had a protein shake. he marveled at hour a protein shake could take an hour. i cried in the shower as i spent the requisite twenty minutes to brush out my knotted curls. was i not allowed to take the morning slowly? what had i done wrong other than let depression color my morning with molasses, slowing my movements, procrastinating the problems of the day?

i have another meeting in twenty. i don't want to go to it. i haven't done the work i would have wanted for it and when trying my kernel died, whatever that means. and then i have therapy, when i have to recount the fight of the week and pretend like i don't want to be sucked up by a black hole, or gently crushed by the earth herself. i want to run away and never come back, only i have nowhere to run to. just a house filled with fights and dogs and lives that aren't mine but are my responsibility.

i am so tired

[positivlyfocused]

How Dreams Offer The Best Solutions To People’s Problems

TLDR: A series of vivid, emotional dreams led to a deeply cathartic experience, resolving internal struggles with a sense of homecoming and fulfillment. This transformative journey left the writer feeling great and eager for more extraordinary living.

Wow. It’s 0736. I just woke feeling wonder. There’s a massive smile on my face. Happiness flows through me as well as a sense of powerful worthiness.

Worthiness is an important feeling. All my clients start out far from feeling worthy. A lack of worthiness plagues all of humanity. It’s complicated, but that unworthiness feeling explains all the drama humans create as a species and as individuals.

For me, however, my worthiness is growing by leaps and bounds. This morning offered yet another expansion of it. An expansion I am conscious of. And that consciousness, that awareness, is why I’m feeling wonder.

Here’s what happened.

Unpleasant is communication

Over the last few weeks, I noticed decisions I’ve made that resulted in less than desirable results. I won’t describe what the decisions were. That’s because I’d rather amplify vibrations associated with what’s having me feel wonder and worthiness. And focusing on the decisions will amplify that old momentum. 

Suffice it to say the decisions were ones I noticed brought me unpleasant manifestations. Looking from the outside, you might describe these manifestations as extremely minor. Not like my newest client, who yesterday got T-boned while driving her cat in her Tesla to the Vet. No, my unpleasant manifestations these days are minuscule compared to that.

But like all unpleasant manifestations, they came in a cluster. A cluster of increasingly intense events. That intensity cluster was good. It caught my attention. And in that, I could do something about what was unfolding. If we don’t see what’s happening, we can’t do anything about it. I’m so glad I can see what’s happening.

So last night, I made a different decision. I decided I wanted to change my trajectory. 

That’s what happened. But how it happened was extraordinary.

Leverage found in sleep

What happened all happened in dream state. While everyone dreams, hardly anyone understands what happens in that state. Even those who interpret dreams and those who do “dream therapy” likely don’t understand dreams. What’s happening in dreams is far more sophisticated than we know. And far more powerful.

What humans call dreams actually exist on many planes. These planes or dimensions are so numerous, the human brain can’t comprehend what’s happening. But our Broader Perspective, that larger part of us, understands it fully. What’s more, that part of us guides dream activity.

What we do while awake informs that activity. But dreams influence our waking experience in return. When a human can directly, deliberately use dream influence, life gets really interesting. For then we can use that influence to improve life experience.

That’s what happened last night.

It feels like it happened for me, instead of me making it happen. And that’s the yumminess of worthiness. Because everything that happens happens for us. In other words, we’re not making anything happen. We set our focus, then the Universe coordinates outcomes. Outcomes best fitting our focus or intention.

I got a direct experience of that last night. And, frankly, it feels AH-mazing seeing it unfold!

^^The “topography” of last night’s dream experience.

Proficiency produces powerful dream experience

I had three “segments” of dreams. The first came before my mid-night meditation. The second happened after that mediation. The third immediately followed the second. Several dreams comprised each segment. In total, I dreamed at least 15 dreams. All were extremely vivid and real, just like being awake. But the emotional “tone” or “flavor” of them was far more intense than waking reality.

Seth talks about senses we use in the dream state. Some correspond with our waking senses; seeing, hearing, etc. But some senses don’t correspond to waking senses. Perceiving through emotion is one of those. I can attest to the power of this sense. It feels absolutely intense. And whether it’s unpleasant emotion or pleasant emotion, it is that way…intense.

Which is why nightmares frighten us so.

In the first segment, I found myself in several different realities. I was in a suburb with houses, streets, sidewalks. But the place was nothing like waking reality. Where I was probably doesn’t even exist on this plane.

These first dreams all featured me making choices. While making them, I felt confused. I couldn’t decide what to choose. For example, I was in someone’s home. I was trying to choose a ball. The homeowner offered a variety from which to choose. There were many kinds of balls – basketballs, dodgeballs, etc. Some were old. Others were new. But, for some reason, I couldn’t choose.

On the way to that person’s home, I drove on a highway. While following traffic, I noticed I needed to follow the highway to the right. I didn’t do that though. Instead, I curved left. But I knew I wanted to go right!

Both of these are examples of me making decisions that resulted in unpleasant outcomes. You can see that they mimicked what I did while awake.

The set up continues

In the second segment, I walked through a dance club. To get there, I had to drive through an unfamiliar city at night. I parked my vehicle in the parking lot, then went inside. Inside, I met several unseemly youths. After those encounters, I decided to leave. But when I got outside, I noticed my vehicle was gone. I had just bought it. But then I realized my bad purchase decision: I bought a truck that was easy to steal.

Coaxing the youths to tell me who took it didn’t work. They took it, I knew, but they weren’t admitting it. At this point in the dream series I tried mightily to fix my decisions. Doing so got me feeling really intense negative emotion. Emotion that also was highly disempowering. It felt like despair, a wanting to give up. Highly uncharacteristic of me!

And this is another value of dream reality. It’s like a testing ground. It gives us experiences we won’t want in real life. There, we can experiment with them, and learn from them without having to live the dream “for real”.

I remember waking from the first segment feeling really clear those dreams were about my recent choices in waking reality. Waking from this second segment, it was clear how choices in the dream aligned with beliefs I have. Beliefs I’m wanting to change.

After that I went into the third segment. What happened next prompted this post.

Non sequiturs create resolution

In the third segment, I realized the purpose of this whole process. And the feeling I felt associated with that was extraordinary.

The dreams involved me being in the company of a beautiful being. I felt great comfort in their company. “Comfort” doesn’t do the feeling justice. Words can’t describe the power and pleasure of what I felt. We sat with others who watched a sporting event on television. I felt I belonged among these beings.

One of them, a female, stood before me. She had a beautiful body. Tattoos covered every inch of it. She said, without using any words, that she wanted to remove them. And that’s what she did. She peeled them away one by one with her fingers. As she did this, I felt something…a kind of release….

Then I was in an open area of low-lying buildings. My older brother stood beside me. Beneath our feet was a hand-woven rug of Middle Eastern origin. These fantastic planes flew above us. One after another passed over us and, as they did, I spoke to my brother in Farsi about how we can make use of this “campaign” to resolve differences between our country and others…

I know that doesn’t sound at all like the resolution I asked for. But you had to be there!

I’m including the major dreams only. Otherwise this post would be a TLDR experience. Suffice it to say, each one flowed one into the other with perfect cohesion. Still, I get they sound like non-sequiturs.

A perfect compendium of catharsis

The last dream I experienced before waking was the kicker. I stood in a shower. The shower wasn’t mine. Outside the shower window I heard children playing happily. Beside me, in the shower was a beautiful small-breasted woman. Her body was….nothing short of extraordinary. The water ran down both our bodies and all I remember besides what you just read was a feeling of HOME. It was a feeling of all being well, of release after climax, of ecstasy or completion.

Then a series of dreams happened that took this experience to a new level. It’s hard to describe exactly what happened. That’s because language doesn’t align with what happens in nonphysical. And the dream state happens in nonphysical.

Nevertheless the series involved me experiencing situations in which I “paused”. And in the pause, I did something that translated as resolving the process or beliefs or momentum that had me make decisions producing dissatisfying results. I knew that’s what happened, but it’s hard to make direct connection between what I saw and experienced in the dream and my translation of it.

All I can say is it was extremely cathartic. Especially after the climactic dream I experienced before that. 

This entire process was such a fulfilling experience! When I woke it was just before 0730 and I knew, I just knew, what I asked for had been resolved on my behalf.

How did I know?

^^The joyful catharsis I felt directly stemmed from my dream experience. (Photo by Omid Armin on Unsplash)

Emotions: Indications of expansion

Because I felt GREAT. But that’s not all. I also felt FOR SURE that what you just read happened. I recalled ALL OF IT. Including the emotions, the associations with wake state experience prior to going to bed…all of it.

Before I started writing this, I amplified everything you’re reading by affirming how great it feels. I affirmed this new day. A new day unburdened by old belief. I expressed appreciation for, and felt joy in the expressing, my expanded awareness. I also expressed how blessed I felt by my cadre — the innumerable beings in nonphysical that support every desire I create as a result of being human.

Re-reading all this, I’m in awe. It’s this kind of experience that gradually becomes available to all my advanced practice clients. I feel blessed to lead the way. The way to extraordinary living. It certainly feels extraordinary. And I’m eager for more.

Want to experience your expansion into the extraordinary? Become a client.

[steamishot]

rough

i always find it emotionally difficult whenever matt has 100+ hour work weeks. i have to remind myself to not be as sensitive as my grandma. she derives her mood from the people close to her and her worrying is exaggerated whenever her loved ones go through hardship. i feel bad seeing matt work so much. i think it’s like a path towards early death. however, it could be that my perception of humans and our generation has become weaker. whenever i tell my mom about his work weeks, she shrugs it off and says “he’s a doctor”. and i remind myself that my parents, their friends, and my cousins worked very hard too without having the frequent vacation and time off that matt does. my family who are in entrepreneurship work 6-7 days/week for 12+ hour days with basically no holidays/vacation days throughout the year. i specifically remember as a kid, my cousin’s husband said my dad “works 8 days a week”. one of my parents’ friends who has a donut shop, still starts her day at 3am to open up the shop and start baking. 

two weeks ago, not only did matt work an extra 3 days on his off week, he transitioned into a new medicine (not surgery) rotation for the first time where he worked 105+ hours. he consequently had 15-16 hour work days: leave the house around 6:30am, get home around 7:30pm and then write notes until 10-11pm, for 7 days straight. it is miserable. my new-age weaker self thinks that he needs to learn how to set better boundaries. he has perfectionistic tendencies and does not want to disappoint his work, and he worries too much about his patients at the expense of self-care. finally, he has transitioned from the EAP therapy program to an individual therapist whom he will be seeing biweekly. her name is gabbie. 

we went to autocamp cape cod this past weekend. overall the trip was okay; we were both a little tense. i didn’t want to call off work, so i was working on the car ride there that friday and a little more at the campsite. it’s also been harder for me to relax these days as i’m finishing up the last few classes of my accounting degree. currently at 93% with three more classes to go! the drive there was about 4.5-5 hours and it took over an hour to pick up our rental car. if i knew matt was going to have a 100+ hr work week, we probably wouldn’t have planned it for this week. matt drove the majority of the time and i know it’s tiring/not the ideal “vacation”. but alas, medicine, where surprises are at every corner. 

we were able to do more chill things at home/around the neighborhood such as grocery shop at wegmans, cook a curry butter chicken, go to hot yoga twice, and watched air at the alamo drafthouse for $5 with the tmobile discount. this might be our new favorite theater because it’s literally a 3 minute walk from our apartment and they serve drinks/food in the theater. being served a nice cold beer actually makes going to the movies much more enjoyable. 

our uber eats memberships (we were managing 6 different accounts LOL) have all come to an end, minus one. coincidentally this times up very well with our goal of cooking more. last week, i think we only got food delivery once; at one point not too long ago, we scheduled food to come every single day! i’ve been continuing to make the same recipes that i’ve learned from marion when i started to pick up cooking again - most of the dishes i’ve made at least twice now. 

books: finished listening to laziness does not exist. listened to part of the privileged poor and outlive. 

shows: finished unprisoned, skimming LIB s4, currently watching beef

lesson: we’re learning that having a wealthier lifestyle is actually detrimental to our health (or it’s that we don’t know how to do it right yet) and the simple things are just better for humans overall. i’m starting to feel too privileged to be able to say stuff like this, but being able to afford constant travel/plane tickets and all the delicious food has become too much. take for example lounge life and the lay-flat business class lifestyle. it’s getting us fatter and lazier lol. trevor noah joked that business class is boooring and economy is “real life” which is very true. even renting a tesla, it’s cooler but much more stressful to operate than a normal gas car. we felt more relaxed and had more fun simply going to watch a movie nearby rather than driving out to an expensive glamping campsite. i want to live by the line “live like a resident”, really because simplicity brings more joy, and builds a much bigger nest egg which brings more security. 

money: money has been coming and going with the frequent travels. we booked and paid for all of smoky mountains expenses for us and matt’s parents and will be reimbursed later. there’s a lot of potential for financial growth in the coming years. i am inspired by mywealthydiary’s savings and progress with her partner. my goal is to save/invest 5 figures every month between the two of us and have 6 figures of savings/investments at the end of this year. i only started a HYSA last december with wealthfront. i’ve been contributing to this more instead of my retirement and brokerage accounts. 

[dzpenumbra]

4/3/23

I'm gonna level here, tonight was rough. I had a few legit panic attacks. Not big ones, but... surreal ones. And I'm still trying to calm myself down.

It's just living in an environment that feels unsafe. Even though my building feels safe, and my apartment feels safe... my neighborhood doesn't. To me, at least. This is clearly a theme, and I'm guessing it's residual from yesterday.

This was set off by watching a stream. I had been avoiding this streamer for a while because he is notoriously antagonistic, like... it's his thing. He was on Jerry fucking Springer. Like... it's his thing. And I knew that. And I watched in the background while doing work, and while eating dinner... for... like over 7 hours. And a lot of it was like... laugh-out-loud funny. I mean that. It was sincerely entertaining.

But there were parts that just set off panic bells. Like... he mentioned a part about like being in a "bad neighborhood" and explaining how that was because the neighborhood was in the flight path of an airport... and... I live in the flightpath of an airport, I woke up to planes flying overhead again today. There were like 2 or 3 moments like that which built up and just... created this really surreal feeling... Like... "it's really not safe out there". And again, it wasn't a feeling of vivid clarity or specificity, it was a feeling of intensity, surreality and gravity.

I guess that's my disorder. I guess that's me getting triggered by key concepts, key words even, and then those concepts/words get associated reflexively with other concepts, then my autonomic alarm system kicks in and goes "I know what that is, that exists in our life, DANGER" and kicks the panic switch. It felt a lot like my weed freakouts do, just a super mild version. It was a big surge of "you're not safe, you're in a bad area and you're alone, you're in danger".

Now... looking back at it? It looks fucking silly. Like... I'm in my electronically locked apartment, in an electronically locked building. The area I live in barely even qualifies as urban, honestly. I'm clearly not in any imminent danger. But... it hits just like I am. It took me a while to get out of it. The intensity of it faded pretty quick, but... it was around like 1 or 2, and it's almost 4:30 now and shades of it are still lingering... Like that feeling of being in a haunted house, feeling like I'm being watched or something. High alert.

When I saw the doctor the other day and mentioned that I deal with depression, anxiety, PTSD and that I'm kinda in a bit of a bout of agoraphobia right now... his first response was starting to tell me about how social interaction was a basic human need, and I was just like... "dude, I know..." Like, I actually got a bit impatient with him. I am fucking aware. To me, at the time, that was like telling me "you know, food is really important for your health..." I have been telling my therapists that for like 4 years now. Weird how I can be in therapy with 3 different therapists and not a single one until this month could figure out a single idea of how I could make friends that was within my comfort zone. With all the fucking technology we have now! Meh, they probably don't have a lot of friends themselves, now that I think about it...

Wow, I got super bitter there for a minute, huh... Ugh.

What the doctor said to me stuck with me because it's absolutely true, and my anger about it is (to me at least) very clearly not directed at him at all. I'm actually super relieved that he is on the same page, like "thank fucking god, finally". I'm pissed that there's like... literally nothing I can do about that. I can't make people hang out with me. I can't make people that I was friends with... not be pieces of shit to me.

And, right now at least, I just don't really feel comfortable meeting people in person. ... I guess? I mean, I met the kids at the skateshop the other day and had zero problems... I went to the skatepark and didn't meet anyone or talk to anyone really... but I had headphones in, so... it's not like I was being super approachable... and they were all like 10+ years younger than me, it's not like it's normal for them to just come up and approach me without a reason, I guess. And vice versa, it just feels weird for some reason. I don't wanna weird them out.

Ugh, anxiety fucking everywhere tonight!

Seriously, its like... the dam cracks and everything starts flowing out. Honestly, what I was thinking with what the doctor said... I really wish I had a friend to just talk shit out with. To just get my anxieties out of my head and hear some unbiased perspective. Because when I'm left alone with my own creative thought, it can just spiral into "what if" for hours. And if I were watching that stream, and just turned to my imaginary girlfriend who, in this magical scenario, actually exists... and went "hey, I'm kinda freaking out a little... this whole stream is about like... crime and being in a bad neighborhood and it's feeling really familiar, and I feel like I made a big mistake moving here, and really it's just a matter of time before something bad like what I'm watching happens to me. Getting scammed, getting robbed, me going to the police and then having people nearby know I went to the police and fucking me up because of it or something." And then we'd talk about it. Talk about like... how likely is that to happen around here? If it did happen, what would we do? Shit like that. Comfort. Reassurance. Not being fucking alone in everything I do.

Anyone who dreams of independence? Who worships and praises it. Independence is fucking easy. Get up, throw your phone in the garbage and start walking in a direction and don't stop, don't turn back. Then you're independent. Congrats. Independent = alone. And yes, it has its "freedoms". Absolutely. Your actions do not affect others. You are free to make as many foolish mistakes as you please and the consequences will fall solely on your lap. And the responsibility for learning from that folly and cleaning up the mess will fall right on your shoulders. And there will be no one to help you through any part of the process. Weird how every person I have met that has thumped the Independence Bible, while shaming me for my "reliance on others" never had the balls to just... walk.

I don't like how upset I'm getting. It feels like an emotional push away from... depression. Like I'm getting upset so that I'm actually doing something about it (even though I'm not), rather than getting sad and depressed. Like... honestly? I feel lame. I feel like a wuss. I didn't talk about fears like this for like 20 years because of it. I feel like most men my age would consider me weak, paranoid, a pussy. And that brings me to a point that I wanted to bring up - being emotionally in-touch.

I did not have this panic problem - hell, even anxiety problems - when I was on meds. However... I was much more emotionally numb. And a lot of people cultivate this effect voluntarily. In fact, it seems like culture (not just male culture, but it's definitely dominant there) actually cultivates this effect. Being "tough" and "hard" are signs of maturity, rights of passage, indicators of strength, fortitude, accomplishment. Being callous is, to many, a badge of honor. And I am a very emotional person. ... At least, I have been told that. It's easy to feel like I'm living life "wrong", and I have often been told and treated that way.

But... my passion? My joy? My raw fascination with the intricacies and beauty of life? My love? My ability to connect with people one-on-one? They all fade when you become callous. I end up living a grayscale life. I know, I've done it. It's why I got off meds. It's why I got out of my old relationship. It's not living. Not for a romantic. Not for someone whose purpose --- this is what I was getting to --- my purpose. As an artist, a musician, a poet. What the fuck am I without emotions? What am I without my passion?

I see the tragedy of my life being that on one side of the coin -> I have myself cowering from overwhelming fear and sadness, from the horrors of what this species does to each other every day, unable to find someone to help me feel safe. And on the other side -> I have myself reveling in the beauty of life, creating visual representations, writing page after page, recording music, capturing as much as I can, unable to find someone to share it with.

And it really sucks. And I really want to do something about it. I just... never imagined I would fail this many times.

I started listing how I've failed in the past few years and deleted it, rare editing moment there, I really just don't want to go down that road. And... those weren't failures. Those were people that fucked me over. And I really don't need to dwell on how former friends and former community members just threw me under the bus, or watched me get struck down unjustly, and just... skipped away like nothing happened. They're not worth my time or energy.

Ugh.

Okay, well... one more thing to unpack before good vibes, I promise.

I got a text today. That NEVER happens. It wasn't from someone trying to scam me about my "Netflix password being leaked" or something this time! It was a guy I went to highschool with. An alcoholic who works at a gas station in my old town. He lived near the house I used to live at, he let me know that he just noticed that "my house" was being demolished. And... I've been moved out since fucking December. Like... my car hasn't been in that driveway since like... November? He lives like... 2 streets up from that house. So... yeah... it was weird. He was just like... "Holy crap _____, they tore your house down", "where you living at now? How are you" I acted polite, replied that I had been moved out for a while, told him the general area of where I am, and tried to emulate what "normal people" do... by politely asking him how he's doing even though I didn't really care. And he did the same thing in return, half-answering something about home improvements and hanging out with dogs... then just said again that he was surprised to see the house gone. And then done. And all done. Yep. So... that's a thing that happened.

Why am I reacting this way to this? The guy got piss drunk, took half my incense and stuck it in the rubber skirt ring on my kayak (when i specifically asked him not to), lit it all, took the kayak out on my pond paddling and playing music really loud with a bluetooth speaker, then paddled over to my neighbors house on the pond in the kayak and yelled at them... for some reason... then came back... and then stole a full pound bag of mexican mix cheese that I had just bought and drunk drove home. And that was... shitty. But even worse? He got high with me on my porch and told me... on my own porch... smoking my own weed... that my parents were right and I should quit art and streaming and shit and get a "real job". And honestly? I'd rather he fucking mug me. I'd rather he steal my phone and sell it for crack.

I mean that. And I really need to remember that. Getting my phone stolen and sold for drugs tomorrow would be scary in the moment, but the shit he told me on my porch that evening? That was in summer 2019, I remember it vividly, like it was yesterday. That will stick with me for a long time. That is scary shit. And I can handle that. So... why the fuck am I afraid of getting mugged? XD

Ugh, it makes no goddamn sense!

Anyway, enough negative shit, let's get to the good shit. If you made it this far... this may be a bit disappointing because you can't like... see the final product to get the full effect... however...

I think I'm pretty much done with the desire path project, at least this branch of it. The animation, at least, I mean. I think the animation of the paths being drawn and the pattern forming is pretty much done. All 100 paths. I did about 30 last night, I went in and did the other 70 today, and then added in some random noise animation to the opacity and line thickness to add a kinda... flickering/pulsing effect to each line. Every line has a different light flicker, every group of 10 has a thickness noise pulse. That was me working all. day. long. About 12 hours total today, with ab 2 hours of dinner break.

Now, all I need to do is kinda... storyboard it. I need to figure out what I'm going to say about it. Then I have the first person footage of the runs, then I have the footage of the map and the final product showing the pattern forming. And I'll do some voiceover on top of it. That's the plan. We'll see how it goes, I'll get cracking on that tomorrow.

So yeah. Big ups and big downs today. But I was saving the big one for the end because it hasn't even really set in for me fully yet. It's done. And now I just have to come up with presentation. I'm going to take a moment and just play it back for myself just so I can let that concept sink in a bit, because it's not really... hitting. --- It looks really cool. :D The whole thing like... shimmers. The paths remind me of an ultrasound or something, the way they flicker and pulse, like veins. It definitely feels much more alive. I like it.

I'm going to go get ready for bed. It's 5:15 again. Ugh. It just keeps happening! -_- Oh well, it's probably less healthy for me to be beating myself up than for me to go to bed at dawn again.

[maybeiamfireproof]

i hate med students making posts about "oh, i never leave my house/the library" "oh, i study every waking second" "oh, i sleep 3 hours a day" and then act like medicine is like that. it is not, honey, my average sleep time is 9h hours a night, i have more friends now that i am in med school than ever before and have more hobbies, if you don't prioritize your own health, theb what is the point. and like, yes, the postponing of things is true, but you cant find 30 minutes to go to get ice cream with your friends? you thing abbas is more important? grow up.