#My room feels suffocating
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Everything feels so fucking wrong.
#why are my clothes sitting on me like that?#Why is that placed like that?#Why does it feel so wrong to want to be a guy?#Why does it feel so wrong to want to hug someone#Why?#My room feels suffocating#My whole apartment feels so fucking small and cramped and messy#If I get another moment alone I'll clean up#Write a few letters and-#No I can't#I promised her#I can't break that promise#But I want to so bad#Please#I want to sob#curl up in bed#I really need a damn hug#Don't ask what's wrong until I'm done sobbing#I hate this#I just drew to maybe stop thinking#He looks miserable#Your mood effects your drawings??#I'm sorry Jisungie baby OTL#You look on the verge of tears#Why is the TV so loud#Why isn't the curtains closed properly?#Why is the rug bumpy?#I can't even fix it because I can't lift the desk and closet up#Why does it have to be this hard#.
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Wanna live here
#creepy girl#rotting in my room#insane girl#im going insane#dead inside#this is insane#i feel like im suffocating#pastel pink#pink aesthetic#pink blog#pink coquette#pinkcore#pink moodboard#pink horror#soft pink#light pink#pink#creepy aesthetic#creepy coquette#creepycore#creepy adorable#creepy cute#aesthetic#alternative#dolletecore#dollygirl#coquette dollete#dollete aesthetic#coquette angel#dark coquette
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Building off of what I wrote in my fic "Sparks," I'm really compelled by the idea of Ford genuinely no longer being interested in sailing around in a boat with Stan by the time they were seniors in high school.
I like the idea of it not being just a symptom of the resentment that had been building between them, nor it being a dream of Ford's that only paled in comparison to west coast tech, but it being a genuine loss of interest on Ford's end. I think it complicates things even further in some really juicy ways.
Like, imagine going through high school slowly losing more and more interest in the dream you've shared with your twin and only friend ever since you were little kids. How do you break it to him? How do you explain it to him without making it sound like a rejection of him? Without it making him hate you?
How do you explain it without it feeling like a spit in the face to all the hard work he's put into a plan that started out as a way of him comforting you by telling you "it doesn't matter what people say about you, you're going to be an adventurer who sails away into the sunset and never has to hear their mockery ever again, and there will be babes and treasure and heroism, and then they'll all see how cool you really are!"
And all through high school you think to yourself, "he's going to move on to more realistic dreams any day now, and then I won't have to say anything about it!" But no matter how many times you mention something else he could do with his life that he seems interested in, or bring up the challenging logistics of traveling around long-term in a boat, he sounds just as committed to the childhood dream as ever, and completely oblivious to how apprehensive you sound.
So resentment grows, little by little. Because that's easier than confronting the soul-crushing levels of guilt that are building up inside of you, every time you don't take an opportunity to tell him you don't want to do the plan anymore. You don't have a single person in your life who modeled how to have difficult conversations for you. As far as you know, having this conversation with Stan would crush him into tiny little pieces and then he would hate you forever, and you can't stand the idea of losing the only friend you've ever had.
So tensions grow. A lack of interest turns into a bitter resentment that, if you were really being honest with yourself, is directed more at yourself than it is at Stan.
And then the falling-out happens, and it seems like you were proven right. Stan hates you now, and he's never going to forgive you for giving up on his dream. But two can play that game, so you try to hate him too. Because if you hate him too, then maybe it won't hurt as much that he never came back. That he never even turned up at school, or by the boat, or in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night. He knows what dad's like, and how he says impulsive exaggerated things when he's angry, and haven't you both dealt with his harsh words countless times before and been able to dust yourselves off and joke about it later? So why isn't he back at home, joking with you about how absurd your dad acted that night, being impossible and belligerent about ruining your dream, but at least now you're even, because you've ruined his dream too.
-
And now imagine you find out he risked the lives of everyone in existence to bring you back, right after you had accepted your fate was to die killing Bill. It would be terrifying and confusing and infuriating. If he cared so much, why didn't he do something to reconnect with you sooner? Why did he ignore you in favor of trying to make it big without you? Why didn't he take the infinitely safer and simpler action of reaching out to you without you having to track down his address and send a desperate plea for help? You were convinced that he didn't care enough to bother with you unless you had an important enough reason for him to come. But even then, he thought your plans were stupid. He didn't want anything to do with you, not even with the world at stake.
Did he save your life out of guilt? Does he pity you that much? It doesn't add up with what he did in the decade leading up to shoving you into the portal. And the dissonance between the version of him in your head that hates you, and the man who held out his arms to welcome you back to your home dimension, is so strong that you feel like you're being lied to again, like you're back in the depths of gaslighting and manipulation that Bill put you through, even though there's no way that's what Stan is trying to do... right? You can't figure it out, so you run away from it. You don't want to know the answer to whether or not Stan hates you, because you don't know which answer would hurt more, so you try to make him hate you more than ever, because at least then you would know for sure how he feels.
And in the end, after he sacrifices his memories for you, and for the world, things seem clearer. The layers upon layers of confusion and anger and hurt seem to have washed away like drawings in the sand, leaving behind the simple truth: that you two had an argument, and didn't move past it for forty years, and despite everything you put each other through, you both still want to re-connect.
So you sail away in a boat together.
And at first, it's wonderful. It's exactly what you want. It feels like an apology to Stan, and a thank-you for saving the world, and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to heal the rift between you two, and it's good to be back on earth, and you wonder why you ever doubted the dream you two once had.
But then, after the first long journey you spend on the sea together, when you get back home to dry land, Stan is already talking about planning your next adventure out on the open sea. He recaps every adventure you had on the first trip, over and over again, and he wants to chat with you all through the morning and long into the night, and you don't have the words to explain to yourself that you don't have enough social battery for this, and suddenly you're slipping back into the horrifyingly familiar feeling of Stan being overbearing and needing space from him and how could you think that? How could you think that about him after everything he's done for you and everything he's forgiven you for? But the longer this goes on, the more you realize that you still don't want to spend the rest of your life sailing around with Stan. It's great fun in moderation, but the idea of your whole life revolving around Stan and going on adventures with Stan and being in a boat with Stan with no time to be by yourself thinking about your own things and figuring out your own dreams makes your skin crawl with a claustrophobic kind of panic that you still don't know how to put into words forty years after the first time this feeling grabbed you by the throat and ruined your friendship with Stanley.
But the first time this happened, it nearly ruined his life forever. You can't let yourself feel this. You don't feel this. You're happy to spend the rest of your life fulfilling Stan's lifelong dream, and making up for the time you crushed his dream, and sure, maybe he crushed your dream once too, and maybe it would be nice for him to support your dreams like you're now doing for him, but you can't say that. He saved the universe, and it would be horrible and ungrateful and cruel for you to try to voice these feelings, especially when you don't know how to voice your feelings without it making other people feel like you twisted a knife into their gut. So you try to pretend the feeling isn't there.
You go out on a boat with Stan again. You planned out another incredible journey together, and this should be fun, and you should be happy about this, but the unspoken feeling you shoved as far down in yourself as it could possibly go is eating you alive. The worst part? Stan is starting to notice. You have never been good at hiding your emotions. The trick to it has always been to convince yourself you don't feel it at all, and not think about it, and that has always worked like a charm. But whenever the emotion claws its way back up to the forefront of your mind, you can tell Stan knows something is wrong. So you can't even give him the happy ending he deserves. You can't even convince him that you want to be here on the open seas forever with him, like he deserves. And you keep trying and trying to hide it, but Stan keeps asking in roundabout ways, like "You're being awfully quiet, sixer," and "whats that look on your face?" and eventually it comes exploding out of you like a shaken-up soda bottle dropped on its cap.
And then it's like you're back at home in New Jersey again, standing in the living room while dad grabs Stanley by the shirt. It all comes pouring out of you, in the worst possible way, with the worst possible phrasing, like a pandora's box of monstrousness, and Stan tries to fight back against the sting of your words, but you're made out of acid and you're burning through him and you can see it on his face, and there's never any coming back from this, not this time, you'll just have to either jump into the ocean or become a monster forever, so Stan can hate you more easily again, and-
-and at the end of the outburst, you're still on a boat in the middle of nowhere in the ocean with your brother, in dangerous waters, and you have things to do to keep the boat running smoothly.
You can't run away from him. He can't run away from you. You're stuck here for at least a couple more weeks, even if you turned around and sailed back towards shore right away.
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And the thing that compels me so much here, despite how unbelievably angsty it all is, is that it sets up a situation wherein the Stans might end up forced to actually address the decades of resentment and confusion and wanting-to-reconnect-throughout-it-all that they thought they could gloss over and heal with enough time spent adventuring together on a boat. They might end up forced to actually address the crux of the issue that drove them apart in the first place: Ford wanting a little more space to feel like his own person, and to feel like he's able to have his own dreams, too.
It wouldn't happen easily, nor right away, but if they were stuck together on a little boat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by magical creatures they have to protect each other from in order to make it back home alive, then after they had one fight where they brought up all the things they silently agreed to never bring up again, it would probably happen many more times, and each time it would leave them both angrier at each other than ever, until eventually something honest slipped through amidst all the saying-anything-except-what-they-mean bickering. And once enough of these honest moments slipped through, then they would have a thread to tug on to start to unravel the gargantuan knot of their decades of unresolved conflicts.
And then, eventually, maybe Stan could learn that he can have a good friendship with his brother without needing to be glued to him at the hip, and Ford needing a certain amount of alone time doesn't mean he dislikes him or wants to abandon him, and Ford could learn that he can be honest and have a meaningful connection with someone without it driving them away and making them hate him.
#succumbed to the stan twins angst visions and wrote 2000 words about this#ford pines#ford meta#this turned into a character analysis that almost reads like a fic#godswriting#<- i need to change my writing tag to this#something bothers me a little bit about the solution to their conflict being 'ford appreciates stan more now so he is now fine with-#-boat adventures with stan'. to me it leaves the initial conflict of 'he doesnt want to do that anymore' unresolved#obviously you could easily argue that ford never stopped wanting to go on boat adventures with stan and he just couldnt justify it to-#-himself when compared to the opportunity at west coast tech. but that has one less layer of conflict#compared to the possibility that he truly was not interested in boat adventures anymore. ESPECIALLY if its a manifestation of him#feeling suffocated by the whole dynamic-twins-duo thing#its normal to start wanting a little bit more space especially at that age. to want to have space to figure out who you are#the healthy thing would have been them talking about it and figuring out a compromise. like 'when ford needs space he can spend a few hours#-alone without stan being worried the whole time that it means ford hates him' and 'we still spend x amount of time working on the boat and#-we still chat on the way to and from school every day and hang out at the beach on weekends'#like of fucking course it was never about hating stan or about wanting to get away from him because of who he is as a person!#he literally just wanted to have a little bit of breathing room to be his own separate person. he just didn't know how to put it into words#I really think the crux of it all was them not knowing how to navigate that balance between independence and identity while staying close#so ford misattributing/reducing that feeling to 'I dont have the exact same dream as stan anymore. why does he still have that dream. oh no#feels like a good way of giving that conflict a tangible aspect to it thats easy for the stans to point at and talk about as a way of-#-alluding to the REAL core of the conflict between them.#and of course the show never says 'they sail around the world for the rest of their lives 24/7' so it's not like it Actually Conflicts with#-my interpretation of the conflict and how it should be resolved. but since its the last thing we see happen between them when theyre given#their happy ending. I feel compelled to say 'hey I know them living in the shack together and traveling in a boat every single year sounds-#-really fun and like a satisfying ending but I think they should have a Little Bit more space from eachother than that. Hanging out almost-#-daily but not literally being in the same house and same boat for the rest of their lives. bc if stan was ok with ford asking for that-#-little bit of space and if ford didnt panic and isolate himself from everyone whenever he needs like one hour of alone time? that would-#-feel like a big piece of the puzzle fitting into place for their conflict resolution and growth as characters. to me#and I think they deserve to have all the tied-up-loose-ends and resolved-conflicts and character-growth in the world.
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"You like the magnus archives?? What kind of merch do you have????"
This is all I got
#I stole a record machine from work and put a bunch of statements on blank cassettes#honestly where I work is pretty much as close as you can get to the achieves anyway#so its pretty accurate#we've got a strange russian man who owns the building#and changes his name every month#a bug infestation we cant shake#HEAVY on the spiders#and also the time I found about 200 dead mealworms in the lobby#for some reason#also the entire job is centered around watching people#watching people react to fear situations#lots of cameras#rooms dedicated to watching people in those cameras#wherever you are theres a camera#and theres an employee dedicated to watching that camera#lets see#its also mainly windowless#time passes there weirdly#you gotta take my word on that one#you like genuinely start to tweek out#every manager there before has quit because of a giant mental breakdown#most employees too#but the breakdown isnt because the work is hard#its because being in that building feels genuinely suffocating#one of my old managers locked herself in a room for a month#then came out bald and quit never to be heard from again#oh and theres a room with dolls hanging from the ceiling#tma podcast#tma#the magnus archives
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I was playing SkSw for the whatever time yesterday and kinda just. Realized smth. So there’s a blackout between the scene where you meet Fi and the scene where Link gets his knight uniform; I had lost a heart falling before that blackout, and when the blackout happened heard the telltale sound of hearts refilling. So, that could only mean Link slept, which even though the uniform cutscene takes place during the daytime and the meet Fi cutscene takes place at night, I never really thought about before.
I am thinking about it now. Oh, I am thinking about it.
Because just that night he learned about his destiny to save Zelda as the chosen hero of the goddess. Tomorrow he will wake up and put on his new uniform and plunge down to a surface world that only exists in his people’s legends, chasing after his childhood best friend with a literal metal sword lady as his guide. He’s never imagined anything beyond Skyloft. He’s never imagined Zelda being in any kind of danger. He’s never thought of them doing anything besides being best friends, living on Skyloft together and enjoying the daily antics of the town. And now he’s leaving everything he ever knew to go chase after Zelda in a place he didn’t even think existed.
And I just can’t stop thinking about it, because he’s Skyloft’s resident sleepyhead, known by literally the whole population for his love of sleep.
But I don’t think he slept a wink that night.
#it’s 4 am so I’m explaining this badly but my thoughts are spinning him like a wheel of cheese#I can just imagine him lying on his back#staring at the ceiling in the blackness#and maybe he can’t breathe#and maybe it’s all too much to process#so he just. holds Zelda’s sailcloth against his cheek and tries to think about her#and tries to sleep bc if she was there she would tell him he needed rest for his journey#but he can’t#no matter what he does#and he’s sweaty and the sheets are too hot and the shadows are suffocating him#and he looks around his room and it’s familiar it’s so familiar but he thinks about what he has to do tomorrow#and suddenly his room feels foreign#so he stares at the ceiling and hugs Zelda’s sailcloth and tries to sleep#but he is hot and he thinks he sees things in the darkness and Zelda is screaming#and he does not sleep#skyward sword#legend of zelda#link#sky link
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going to ask if i can repaint my room for my birthday lol im scareddd i think im going to get berated bc i got to choose what colour i wanted it painted when we moved here 2.5 years ago but ive hated it ever since i moved in ive regretted it from the very start... if i am going to be living in this room for the whole summer i at least want it to be a colour that doesnt depress me
#its like a dusty sage green which is a colour i really like! it just really doesn't work in my room.. if it was just an accent wall i think#it would be fine but on all 4 walls its so suffocating and my room gets no sunlight so it always feels really grey and drab the colour is#just not bright enough...#& also i have a green rug and green bedding (both of which i love so theyre staying it's the walls that need to go) so it's just too much#green it feels so weird and unbalanced#i think i want just plain white walls & then theres a really thick trim between the ceiling and walls which i want to be a deep dusty pink?#but i have to think about it more. and find out if my mother will actually let me lol
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Just cleaned my room that wasnt just putting clothes away for the first time in months
I did not know you should dust walls...
#foxie rambles#my room is still a horrible mess and idk if anything will ever change that until i literally move lmao#but it's a whole fucking lot better!!#there are still some places i was too lazy to dusr#i have wayyy too many knick knacks#but dusting the walls is pre impressive me thinks HRJFKFKD#and i hung back up my fairy lights that have been half fallen for over half a year now#i feel... good#a lot better#yesterday was really bad mental health wise#and it leaked into today#having a room i can breathe in helps a lot shdjfkskd#i was starting to feel suffocated#now for step two of Boost Foxies Mood: get some food lmaoo#and then i hope i go on a walk today#not sure what my fams plans are#but im sure i can squeeze in a walk at some point
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can't experience sleep paralysis if i never sleep again
#i tried sleeping and i was actually successfully dozing off for once#and then boom. sleep paralysis#it was so vivid and it went for so long#there were two nuns in my room and one of them started suffocating the other with a cloth#sounds and struggling included#horrifying#and now there's also this feeling of wrongness i can't shake off#katherina.txt#sleep paralysis#sleep problems#tw suffocation
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Why didn't anyone tell me that low rise wide leg jeans were so comfortable??? I'm never going back to high waist ever again 😭😭
#mango rants#my legs have room to breathe!!!#and i finally sit down in jeans without feeling like im being suffocated
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I think I’m always going to be running and trying to find the next thing that will make me happy and it will always be something I have to find within myself. So that’s cool.
#escape tag on the mind. thinking about getting up north and the joys of the road and then realizing I would have to start my life there. I#would still have to settle down somewhere and have a home#guy who wants to leave constantly and not be found but cant shut up and loves to leave evidence of themselves everywhere#love covering things in stickers love writing my name on park benches love leaving my mark on the world#but also. get me out of here and I need to get somewhere where the world feels bigger than my bedroom#cause Florida feels so suffocating rn like I have no where to go no where to be me to be happy to have friends to have fun#I feel so trapped in my room and my room feels so monotonous#idk what to do to change it cause im avoiding being miserable and the fear of failure is eating me alive so im not taking any hard chances#to move forward and it makes me want to throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my mom randomly brought up sending me up north with like a six month budget plan or whatever and now idk if I should be looking for a job#that hard or not and idk what I’m doing and it’s freaking me out and I want to run away from everything#but I also would do fucking anything to be near my friends rn to feel like I can breathe when I go outside to be up north would fix so much#of my shit going on rn and even if it didn’t magically make me happy it would be so much easier for me to set roots (even temporarily) andi#can live month to month up there my mom pressures me so hard to have long term plans and it’s not what I need rn at all I need to focus on#short term shit and not get anxious about the big picture but my mom cannot shut up about the big picture and future steps and all this shit#and idk what’s real and what’s hypothetical plans and it’s so annoying and frustrating and I want to get my shit together but I also don’t#bc the world seems miserable but god I would so much rather be miserable up north with Millie near me than be miserable in the heat w my mom
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#i’m having an incredibly hard time.#and i’m trying not to burden anyone else with it because i’ve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister#and that’s confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just don’t even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i don’t think i’ve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i don’t even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long it’ll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he won’t he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like i’m going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my mom’s room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i can’t go to bed without putting him to bed#i didn’t know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i don’t know how i’m going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i haven’t been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i don’t see myself ever getting up atp
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the thing is that the loneliness really does consume you and leave nothing behind
#it feels like there's something that needs to be torn out of my chest it feels like it's suffocating me but#not in a 'pillow over your face' kind of way but in a 'room with no air' kind of way. this makes sense#ugh. whatever#outsider in every aspect of my life. i'm normal about it and i don't cry about it like a baby#i just want to be someone's first choice... the person someone goes to to hang out with. but i never have been and never will be#🪼
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#im going insane#im rotting#i feel like im suffocating#im just a girl#girl rotting#creepy girl#pastel pink#pink aesthetic#pink blog#pink coquette#pinkcore#creepy aesthetic#pink moodboard#aesthetic#alternative#creepycore#creepy cute#creepy adorable#crazy girl#rotting in my room#insane girl#coquette dollete#creepy coquette#doll collector#dolletecore#dollygirl
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my legs feel like sticks of ice and i refuse to wear pants regardless because! because. i rarely get cold and i want to savor it. variety is important. it's enrichment in the enclosure that is my body
#also getting under a blanket or into my slightly warmer room is very satisfying like this#unlike feeling hot which can never be satisfying bc even if you enter an air conditioned place and cool off. you still smell like sweat 🧐#also if i do dress warmer i get hot so fast and it becomes a heat wave and i start feeling like i'm suffocating 😔#i have very normal temperature regulation btw (lying) (i'm fat and on t obviously i rarely get cold) (i am a human space heater)
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Me: I'm fine about my autism now btw, like I've come to terms with my fixated interests, limited tolerances and social inabilities. The alienation it brings is not ideal but it's just a reality I've gotta deal with now that I know it's just a part of who I am. I mean, it's not like an awkward conversation is gonna ruin anyone's life, is it? We'll both move on from it eventually. This is fine!
Also me: physically unable to watch beyond the first word of the first question of The Assembly because oh my god what if someone says something awkward or controversial or someone can't make themselves understood people are gonna get mad and scream about it online and I will freeze up and be stuck in the backlash forever I don't know how to handle conflict AT ALL let's just hide in the corner behind the sofa instead wait what if I became a hermit actually yeah yeah yeah that sounds good let's do that
#unresolved trauma? never even heard of her haha 😅#maddie debrief#that 2-minute intro/taster did nothing to calm me down either btw#I'm never comfortable around the types of shows where 'difference' becomes the core conceit of the premise#oh. so you've created a format dependent on making a socially alienated group face the social rules that made them alien in the first place#and then deriving your conflict from the 'natural contradiction' between the two?#sounds like the exact kind of conflict-seeking environment where I can let my normal guard down enough to meaningfully challenge#my deeply rooted feeling that people generally find me cumbersome to be around and mostly just tolerate my presence out of necessity#lovely that#(like i say I haven't seen the show#so idk if it is actually like that or if it's just the promo material stirring shit up as per usual#but as of rn I do not feel welcome in this room)#why does the 'we're not so different after all' always have to come at the climax and never the midpoint of the story?#why can we never find more than personal gratification in that realisation?#why do we always focus on the difficulty of coming to the realisation rather than the conflict of putting the realisation into *practice*?#I know why#it is because the human imagination is far more limited than we like to believe#and we find it hard to even *imagine* a world that we haven't seen functioning for ourselves yet#let alone find a purpose in *acting* on the idea#(especially if we ourselves currently feel dependent on the status quo for our personal welfare#which is why shows made to depend on 'difference = conflict' make my blood run cold)#so if we have to see to believe - how many cases of real world functioning equity does the average person understand?#very few. so let's instead lazily invert the state of power in an existing dynamic that people are familiar with#thereby reaffirming its false dichotomy through perpetuating what is essentially the same old conflict#while claiming to subvert it when in fact all we have done is reverse the dominance while keeping everyone locked in their roles#can someone just put some thought into how we might create a format that aims to loosen up the underlying skewed power dyanmic#so that everyone has to work together to prevent the elevation of a single way of being over all others#because that just becomes suffocating to *everyone* in the end#and that can still *acknowledge difference* but not as a source of conflict - rather as a source of collective strength?#but the story of changing one perspective will always be easier to both tell and enjoy than the one about building something new
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wait.. why i can't unrent the room in elfsong tavern? 😓
#i loove the song but i am feeling suffocated in that dang room 😳#i miss my cozy camps 😫#and i rented it 6 and a half hours of playthrough before...i am NOT reloading that far i've done sm already 🥴#i am going slowly as it is to not burn out myself again so i can't reload 🙃#what kind of a game mechanic is this?.. just let me goooo
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