#My pens completely died on me too lol

[spoiledskullz]

The Kiss

[irritablepoe]

no but ive only read a tell tale heart from the real author but just from that,,,i dont think poe would be very normal abt relationships especially with ranpo......i didnt finish perfume by patrick suskind (got kinda bored not bc it's bad but bc i just found something i like more ) but the secretive and quiet but extreme obsession of the main character reminded me so much of poe??? and i think i read somewhere that the real ranpo chose edogawa rampo as a penname because it sounds so much like edgar allan poe and even rampo's book title is like poe’s right it only added japanese at the beginning before the ‘tales of mystery and imagination’ so it's not rlly far off that their bsd counterparts would totally be paranoid and intense w each other <333

dont be sorry abt loving this ship a lot!! in fact,,,if possible, could u share a lil bit more of ur headcanons abt them hehehheehehhe i dont see them portrayed in this light often (like u said v v rare)

i think telltale heart is a good example of poe's writing tbh, his works often revolve around obsession and delusion but also with grief if you look at "the raven" for example (especially his poems are about grief and death a lot so)

i've not read perfume but i know the general plot i think and yeah it probably fits well

AND YES edogawa rampo chose this pen name partly bc of edgar allan poe, he also references poe's works in his mysteries which is fun!! both of them also partly write horror, especially edogawa rampo's works shook me to the core, it's so well-written but also so disturbing, i wouldn't recommend them just like that bc of body horror and uhh fetish writing ig? but the cases of akechi kogoro are also so fun to read as well and you can actually try and solve the mystery yourself!!

ANYWAYS, this was a lot of praising lol, i just really really love both of their works :D and these works are also part of why i think they're both fucked up in the head lol

my biggest headcanon i'm saving for when my fanfic catches up to what i've already written lol, so i'm not spoilering that (but if you wanna know i can dm you :3)

other headcanons that i've curated during the past months:

poe has some sort of dissociative disorder, he dissociates when he's too overstimulated or sth triggers him, also he possibly struggles with intrusive thoughts

ranpo has autism and npd

poe has a brother in america, his parents died when he was young

he had a drug or alcohol problem after he lost to ranpo - the guild giving him an opportunity to get revenge motivated him enough to mostly recover though

poe has some really dark fantasies and sometimes he lets it slip during crime investigations - ranpo doesn't mind, he's even amused

ranpo also secretly loves it when poe brags

ranpo and poe started stalking each other (maybe even since the beginning) until one of them realised and send a very clear signal that the other couldn't miss and since then they've been flirting via sending secret messages in a language only they know to each other - basically consensual stalking (yes i'm completely normal)(also i haven't decided who realised first but it was probably ranpo - i love the thought of ranpo getting all flustered too tho)

poe didn't only lose to ranpo in that mystery game. he also lost his reputation, his friends, his admirers. there was more going on there, they probably met before the competition and they were intrigued by each other before it all went downhill

when poe isolated himself he only had contact to his brother who desperately tried to get him out of his headspace. but he himself isn't the best at having stable relationships + he's also an alcoholic (inspired by irl poe's brother henry)

they're both incredibly jealous and do anything to keep the others attention on them (ranpo giving candy to poe to get his attention back, poe being pretty dramatic and acting up a lot, also obeying every wish ranpo has)

ranpo must have told poe about fukuzawa and fukuchi for him to be able to write about their past for when they were drawn into his novel - so that means they actually sat together and talked about their past. which is insane to me

i do have another headcanon post but i couldn't find it ahhh, but it has to be buried somewhere in all the ranpoe postings lol

okay that was a lot, thank you if you read all that tho hehe :3 and thank you for asking, i love talking about them hsdkjfsdhjfs

[schmedterlingfreud]

🍂​ Day [23 of 100] of Productivity 🍂

Writing: - La cosa più pericolosa; Chapter 22 -- Finished and posted!

With this Chapter 22 we finally start the new story arc "Se tutto andrà come si spera" ("If it's all going to be well"). As I was previously saying, I consider this the central point, the pivot that separates the two big sides of the entire story, so it's going to be very important but very difficult to write as well. Despite that, I'm very excited about starting it (well, I've already started it, lol), and I hope to make a good job out of it. A certain little bun is already baking in the oven, eheh. Wish me luck! ஐ

- Effetto Luna; Chapter 20 and 21 (... work in progress) It's going to take just five chapters to the end of the longfic. My idea is to step on my pen gas and to dedicate my time just to "Effetto Luna" until the end of the story. Once I have completed this longfic, in fact, I want to start working on the next project that will be…

- Meduse a centinaia (something like "Hundreds of jellyfish" -- already work in progress), which is going to be the fourth story being part of "Le Cronache di Portorosso". This is going to be the smallest -- nine or ten chapter max --, and the least important of the saga, speaking of narrative and plot. But I hope to have fun writing it, and to make my readers happy, of course. (,,>ヮ<,,) And no... this is not the "Brand new mysterious project" I started working on this summer... but let's keep an eye on that 👀.

Reading: - The Man in the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick - The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath - The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood (Completed)

Listening to: Power of the Beast, by Beast in Black

Snacking on: Butter spekulatius cookies

Extra: Fighting my latest and multiple mental breakdowns, it seems my mood is improving! Are the magical herbal drops from the friars working? I'm not really sure about it, but I hope to feel energetic and productive as long as possible. Please, don't take my vent posts too seriously, okay? "( ^-^) But thank you again to all of you for sticking with me even during my whining and pitiful crying. I want to do my best, and I want to make my readers happy -- you readers are the real reason I manage to stay sane in my life, all right? Please, always take care of yourself, of your body and your mind. If my silly little stories can be a tiny help to keep you company during difficult and hurtful times, I will always be the happiest writer in the whole world. ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[thewertsearch]

Asks Comp 13/4

I think he's behind that door. The platform bears his symbol, and it's his final chance to show up in-game.

The best theory I have is that Bilious Slick is the god of Sgrub, and he only appears to a party of Players who have truly proven themselves. Given that Sgrub's endgame involves the creation of a universe, his role probably relates to this in some way.

Maybe he's the one who grants the Players the 'seed' - or whatever else is mechanically required to alchemize a universe.

The thought has occurred to me, too! I've been skimming some old posts while writing asks, and a couple of things have stood out to me.

We still don't know who the pen pal is. I'm still convinced he has something to do with Grandpa Harley, and my best guess is that he's someone who contains Grandpa as an alchemical component.

The session monitor in Skaianet's lab has a new meaning now. Every single one of those sessions could spawn a universe. And it's been implied that every planet with intelligent life will eventually spawn Sburb sessions. If you do the maths, it's clear that each universe should spawn billions of sessions. Just how many 'children' does each universe produce?

Ooh, yes, let's think about the implications of all this on my 'sonas!

If we assume that the kidsona was on comic-canon Earth, then she's in the universe created by the Zodiac trolls. The universe that she and the trollsona could create could be a completely new one!

...that is, if they create a universe at all. There's nothing saying you have to use that grist on a universe, and they might have other plans...

I was actually thinking about Tinkers when I made that post!

I read Worm a couple of years ago. In retrospect, it would also have made pretty good liveblogging material, although probably not quite as good as Homestuck. There's some great stuff in Worm, but a lot of what I really like about it doesn't show up until close to the end.

I initially assumed that the Psychic Double Reacharound was a contingency plan that she'd prepared earlier, since she couldn't possibly have come up with something so elaborate in the heat of the moment, while bleeding out on the ground.

But then I remembered she came up with the Sollux/Mind Honey plan seemingly on the spot, and now I'm not so sure. God damn, Vriska.

This is genuinely super flattering. I hope the inconsistency isn't too much of an issue - and, yes, I note the irony of saying this immediately after a four-month hiatus!

If was clear from early on that things in Homestuck weren't always what they seemed. Hell, sometimes they're not even what we're shown.

We have to assume some of what we're being told is true, or else we wouldn't have a story - but we always have to remember who's telling the story.

[Lol I love this fic. lots of **GIANT** spoilers tho, just because of the nature of the fic. For example, big ones starting at 16, 55 and 57 - C]

Recommended, and does apparently contain spoilers - but this is one I'm particularly looking forward to.

It's kind of a funny question, isn't it?

From Davesprite's perspective, he did change the future - his future. John died, but he 'changed things' - and now John's alive, even though he was dead 'before'.

But if you zoom out a little, you can see that this change was predetermined by the Alpha Timeline, which always depended on these events. Davesprite changed the first-order future - but the meta-future was always set in stone.

The Medium's timeline is so weird, isn't it? Its retroactive existence is difficult to puzzle out.

I don't think you could see the history of your Land by travelling back before you entered. All physical evidence of that history is there, but it's generated in a single instance when you Enter, and can't be accessed. It's analogous to read-only-memory.

After all, John, Rose and Dave are in the past with respect to LOJADE, but they're never going to see its 'history' - and Jade's Entry isn't going to insert it into the Medium retroactively. It won't have been 'there all along' when John was flying around earlier on his jetpack - it'll only ever have been there from Jade's Entry onwards.

As for getting into Earth's past, I think Karkat had it right, when he described the kids' original universe as 'a set of points to choose from'. You can't get into Earth's past by time-travelling around the Medium, but that doesn't really matter, since you can open portals into any point in its history, as long as you have the gear.

They're fascinating questions, aren't they?

Pre-Exile, she was the Tradition Wrangler - a Prospitian lawyer who struggled to interpret the Medium's archaic laws!

DD is a man of action, and I'm sure he approves of any Player who acts decisively themselves.

Plus, I'm sure he can emphasize with Aradia's situation. After all, it sucks to be bossed around by someone whose motivations make no goddamn sense half the time.

Common Terezi W.

True - she didn't need to hold her there for long. The laser pointer thing is a better analogy, blinding her almost instantly. I don't think it's any less fucked-up - it's more like a different flavor of fucked-up.

That's a pretty impressive robotics feat for Equius, actually. I wonder what Aradiabot is actually made of?

Tracing the source of alchemy gear is one of my favorite Homestuck 'minigames'.

Hivebent's art is fantastic! I really see why the comic blew up around this time. It's really coming into its own, stylistically. Of particular note is the art of Make Her Pay, and the art accompanying Aradia's final monologue. I can't wait to see more!

Gamzee is just too high to be rendered in a less symbolic manner.

Sollux is broken, and probably another mutant. The Sgrub trolls don't seem surprised by his level of power - but considering their circle includes other absurd espers like Aradia and Vriska, they probably aren't the best people to ask about what's normal.

Damn, I wish we could have seen more of Alternia. I know some of the spin-offs dig into this, but I hope we get more in canon, too.

Terezi's dream self is blind, because that's the version of herself she identifies most with. There's very little doubt in my mind that your dream self would reflect your self-perception in other ways, too. Skaia is clearly an ally - thank you, king.

You could imagine a Player whose dream self changes after they realize - or conversely, a Player whose dream self cracked their eggy loking thign. I'd be surprised if there weren't many fanfictions where this is a plot point - and depending on how things shake out in the comic itself, I'm not ruling it out.

In asking about magic, Kanaya really does start to sound like the young child that she is. It's easy to forget, but heartbreaking when you remember.

A few people have talked about this, so I added all of my 'immediate reaction' posts to the liveblog tag! I think it got them all - other than LOLCAT, which I missed and will add now - but if there are others, let me know!

I guess Matespritship isn't explicitly described in terms of romantic love. It's described as a close analogue of human romance, which is 'rooted in strongly positive emotions'. I've been assuming, based on that, that Red Romance is effectively interchangeable with the human concept of romantic love - but I suppose that's not necessarily the case.

I do think you're hitting on a very good point, here, too, which is that the quadrant system itself is described as something that trolls need. I think the 'need' for these categories is enforced, artificially, for the benefit of the Empire. It wouldn't be the first institution to pull something like this.

Either way, it'll be interesting to see how the troll/human ships end up shaking out. It's going to be a challenge to merge their respective relationship frameworks. The best solution, of course, is for them to experience their own relationships without any cultural baggage, but I don't think I'm just speaking for myself when I say that that's easier said than done!

[iwasthewind]

I have like 2 questions lol

Do you have any childhood Monoma hcs

What in the ever loving toast crunch is a "Spiral Cat"?

Anon, two hours after you sent this ask, I had half my answers typed out. A plethora of hcs. I giggled to myself as I tapped away. There was a wine glass filled with cranberry juice in my hand. (That was a lie. It was a normal glass with guava juice.) I was happily sniggering and wondering how I'd explain what a Spiral Cat is (is the name not explanation enough? It's a Spiral Cat/j) when something truly dreadful occurred- someone called my name.

I looked up, smiling, my phone in my hands. "I got you a new candle!" They said. I gasped, delighted.

I cleared the tab.

AFSHJSSKSKSK FORGIVE ME, HORROR SLOWLY DAWNED ON MY (BEAUTIFUL/J) FACE AND I STARED, APPALLED. THE LIGHT WAS SUCKED OUT OF MY EYES. MY SKIN TURNED SALLOW. MY BONES TURNED TO DUST.

I procrastinated after that, sorry agsjsjsnsk. Anyway, here you go!

Monoma was one of those kids who tried to act really grown up and it came off as just alarming and/or funny sometimes. He tried to use big words and sometimes either didn't know what they meant, or butchered them- you can guess how that turned out 💀. It's a habit that he didn't really grow out of.

I feel like Monoma really clung on to things that had little value to others.

He wouldn't let his parents discard dying plants, torn clothes, chipped vases or the like. "The plants can get better! The vase looks okay when you turn it this way! I can wear this shirt when I play in the sand!"

He'd get so distressed when they tried to argue that they'd relent every time.

As a result, current Monoma's room back home is completely cluttered with old things. The number of cupboards and drawers is ever increasing, but he refuses to part with any of it.

A handkerchief belonging to a friend-turned-bully. A broken fountain pen that used to belong to someone who was a friend before she moved away. Old notebooks filled with silly drawings and stories. His (now deceased) cat's old collar and toys that he refuses to let the current one use. A half painted vase. A stained friendship band.

Monoma had trouble retaining friends. He 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 them easily enough, but it was difficult to connect with him and they'd usually find someone they got along with better and slowly leave.

As a result, he got along well enough with everyone, but there were no actual, close friends in the picture and nobody to defend him when he really needed someone to. It got a little lonely sometimes. Until it didn't, because-

"It's just bread! Moron!"

A cat. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 Cat. It was an ugly tabby with claws and teeth that were too long, and fur that was too matted and dirty, and a hiss that was far louder than any he'd ever heard before. Everything about it was "too much-" her eyes were too dark, too cruel, she was too plain, too aggresive-

Cats scared Monoma, but for this one he felt nothing but pity.

"I got you bread, Tsundere. What- stop with the face. It's bread. B-R-E-A-D."

He didn't quite understand what trauma was, but he figured it looked something like this.

He never really managed to domesticate Tsundere, and even though he gave in to his parents' wishes and agreed to gymnastics and french lessons, he wasn't allowed to bring the cat into the house unless it rained or snowed.

The cat didn't care about such trivial human boundaries. It was their fault- why leave the windows open?

Tsundere, at this point, was too used to being called Tsundere and refused to respond to any other names.

She hated being touched too much and really was a Tsundere, but when Monoma was sick- it really wasn't too bad- she panicked, was inconsolable and remained pressed against his side, purring and trying to make him feel better. She did not make a move to eat for hours, not until Monoma forced her.

She died two years later (she was old) and it was Monoma's turn to be inconsolable.

Is this how you write hcs I've never actually done this before

Moving on

Monoma watched a lot of Ghibli movies when he was very smol, so most of them flew over his head

He really loved the aesthetic, though

He wanted to dress up as Howl for Halloween, but where could you find a Howl costume for a seven year old? Perhaps if you tried-

His grandmother cackled and dressed him up as Calcifer. He still has the costume.

I honestly feel like his parents were physically very present, but emotionally quite absent in his life. They were also overwhelmingly pragmatic sometimes.

"Consider it, Neito. It may never work out. You cannot become a hero with your quirk."

They never really taught him to socialize, or to differentiate between right and wrong. He had to navigate those waters largely on his own.

As a result, some relationships (platonic or otherwise) were pleasant, some were painful and some were just bland. All of them were learning experiences, though.

He has ADHD. He doesn't know it. His middle school teachers brought it up to his parents, who dismissed it with a flick of the wrist and "it's alright, he can manage."

He couldn't manage. An older Monoma with a diagnosis and medication was royally pissed when he found out they already knew.

"You could have told me! Do you think it was easy?! Do you know how many breakdowns I've had? The difficulties I ran into at school? The issues I've had with my self worth? Of course it's easy for you, but it was 𝘯𝘰𝘵 so for me!"

He loved sweet things with a burning passion

He read the first few chapters of Coraline when he was younger, and only touched the book again when he read it with Reiko in UA.

He accidentally ran headfirst into the world of fanfiction at ten, looked over the edge, underestimated the drop and jumped without a parachute.

He has AO3 (he loves it), Quotev (it's good), Deviantart(rarely uses it), Tumblr (meh, sometimes good) and Wattpad ("why do children keep coming here? I hate this").

Reads fanfiction (and writes it as well) but has a tendency to discontinue or have really long hiatuses

Setsuna keeps harping on and on about a wonderful fanfiction that the author discontinued. Monoma who forgot to update it one time and consequently forgot it existed:

She wasn't pleased when she found out

Oh shoot you wanted childhood hcs

What has this turned into

I'm so sorry I'm vv distracted rn but I feel like I need to post this already (it's been way too long ahzjakksk)

[candy8448]

Maths n RS

Gcse rambles

Bro these are my two least favorite subjects D:

Hate em so much

Maths was okay since paper 1 is my best paper, but i still missed out a tonna questions D: im aiming for a 5/6 cuz i dont really care so i focused for like 40 mins on the first 13 questions to try and get 100% on them cuz if you do that on each paper, you will get a grade 6 (this is for higher btw)

Question 20 i asked my friends about after, and all four of us got wildly different answers and none of us are really sure if we got it right

I got 5.5/3, but that is because i did the entire method "correct"? And just messed up the adding at the very end so if i did get the right numbers then i only lost 1 mark. But it is wild how we all just got completely different answers 0.0 i wanna go ask my maths teacher tomorrow what he thinks the answer is

For rs though they gave us haribows before, and on the desks they gave us each a tiny paper pot with 3 jelly babies which i spaced out through the test to give me a boost

Gotta hate rs. The timing is so horrible because it is 4 mini essays as well as 8 smaller essays and other 1 and 2 markers and the timing just being 1:30 when litterally english has more time for less marks is wild. My thumb was cramping constantly from holding my pen and i was in pain by the end. I finished barely with 2 mins spare and i was writing nonstop since the start. =_=

"Love thy neighbour" "protect the ummah" and "and eye for an eye" was spammed everywhere and saved my life

(I did aqa themes a,b,d,e btw)

But the rs questions this year were a BLESSING (hehe) i genuinely think i could get a 8 or even a 9 if i wanna push my hope, and i was fine with just a 4 lol (i would have died if the power and conflict 12 marker was about the WMDs)

IM SO GLAD RS IS OVER!!!

Hehe not me being glad when im in a too religious family anyway and can never escape 0.0

Second subject just done forever!!

[hellcatinnc]

Riku Nishijima - Husbando Material

Some Spoilers & NSFW Ahead!

So I had originally planned to write just a short review of this man in my full review of Lover Pretend but this man won my heart over there was too much to share about him that I loved. My review will probably still be when I finish this games this is just reasons why this man is my favorite from the game and why he is like the sexiest. I never hear people give him credit he is my type a guy.

He is a superstar so he has to take precautions of where he is seen. As far as yes it was pretend in the beginning but he takes you to a planetarium once the lights go out he proposes by sliding the ring on your finger trust me thats not the ring he wanted to get either the mc is a cheapskate he likes to call her.

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He knows how to take some sexy polaroid's so to say he is completely photogenic. Looks good doing it too. Also when he falls for you he don't care about being in the spotlight just that he protects you.

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He is a cuddler I can just tell because he likes to hug you in times when its relevant yet not. If he wants you near him he will make you near him. Every time he looks like he is cute as hell for making it happen too.

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He doesn't no how to cook and honestly too lazy too however he does help you cook on one occasion at least. His idea of being asked to make salad at the camp was to get vegetable juice from the machine and give to everyone. I died laughing when I saw this. However this man is too lazy to cook and likes his food blown and hand fed to him. Trust me if you spoil him like this he will depend on it regular and a bit of a tantrum side to him when done right. When he blushes though I don't care what this man does but when he blushed it pulls at my heart.

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That face, that hair, those sexy eyes how can you not see the sex appeal in this man.

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His kisses are passionate as hell you can tell he doesn't softly he kiss and even sometimes he likes to be more rougher, deeper, and more forceful not sayins he would force you but if he gets the right away he can be more dominate.

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Something about his messy look and blushing face is just super hot here not sure why but I was to run my fingers through his hair like this and kiss them rosy cheeks. How can this man be that sexy like that in pain overalls at that.

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Even when he goes the extra mile and pens you down to kiss you omg this man I didn't see it coming but I would have killed to be in this scene but I wouldn't have let him walk after like he does. This pretty boy would have been mine forever after this.

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Ok so when he tries to dress in fashion its ok the glasses I hate though. Like he is sexy and those glasses I'm like I want to be like Riku what are you thinkin sweetheart. I mean yes there is worse than his style but he at least is still dressed respectfully. That being said he still pulls it off somehow.

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Yes he has a jealous and possessive streak but he is also a great protector and will knock the shit out of someone in a heart beat that tries to hurt you or take you away from him. I loved seeing this side of him and honestly would love to see more because he was hot as fuck. Like this is one of those things that if I was with him after he got like this I would have took him home for a hot sexy rendezvous lol.

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This is the first time you see him with his hair down literally but somehow he pulls off the scruffy bedhead look and is hot doing it. Also the art overalls are pretty hot honestly I prefer this look more than his prim and proper bullshit. So as you can see he is an attractive man either way.

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Kabedon that always such a hot way of approaching a woman. This was an intense acting manipulative scene. He talks you into being his but in such a sexy way it don't even matter.

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He wants to support you through anything you do and be your biggest fan however he has insecurities that he could lose you. I love that he wants you to need him as he needs you . Like how sweet is that.

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He is so upfront once he realizes he wants you there is no coming back from it because he will wait and wear you down until you want him as much as he does you... talk about persistent. He also is a bit of a naughty boy he looks refined on the outside but if you don't be careful he will eat you right up. So damn sexy though I love no one else sees this side of him but you.

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He is so stinking cute with his hair pulled up like a kid but also this man is one of the few that will talk about family and kids with you like how freakin cute is that. Then he tells you his love of his painting and you spilling it creates a world kinda like the world that was created where you two meet. Like this makes me want to marry him myself...lol.

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This is the cutest thing like omg you ask him what would he like to buy and the first thing is matching cups and this is for his birthday he wants it so he can share with you. Like omg romantic as hell.

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Oh yeah jealousy and possessiveness is a big thing for him but its weird I find it sweet and endearing because he looks at not every guy but the ones that do not respect your his. Like Sena like to flirt alot and Riku sees him as a threat due to that.

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I doin't maybe its just me but he has my heart to me he is the best boy from Lover Pretend hands down... Sena is 2nd.

[deerblossoms]

i’m deeply fucking cursed. every pen i’ve journaled with in the past month has died. i JUST bought a new pen, used it once, and it’s already dead the next day. what the fuck??????!? like at first, when this started happening, i was joking about a silly little pen curse during the retrograde. now i think it’s me. this used to happen when i was in high school, too. when i was journaling all the time back then. so fucking weird.

kayla and i are on a week and a half break, not talking until the 18th or 20th or so, and it feels okay on my end. i’ve noticed i’ve completely stopped stressing about the relationship. but i’ve also noticed nobody texts me. kinda sucks! really sucks. i’m trying desperately to find people to go see challengers again with and nobody has the time. jack moves back today, finished their first year of college and i’m so proud of them. they’ll be closer next year which will be great. i am making a quick note here to say i’m soooo over the gabby luna sitch that i don’t even feel like writing about it. detaching myself. other people’s lives aren’t my own. and i certainly don’t need to worry about the lives of people who can’t even text me more than once every few months. jesus!

i don’t know. i feel so weird today. i couldn’t get myself up and at em today and spent all morning doomscrolling and watching SATC. yesterday i came home before leaving for work, sat down on the couch to catch my breath, and immediately started crying. couldn’t even figure out why. still don’t know! i’m not doing amazing, i don’t think. i was for a moment, when the cherry blossoms were out, but now i don’t know what to do with myself. i have the day off and i have no clue how to spend it. i might spend it watching tv all day, which i kind of want to do. could watch eternal sunshine and the social network and binge SATC. maybe i’ll put the footage i captured onto my computer. i need editing software so i can do something with it, though. lol! i did just get paid so i could shell out for FCP but i feel as though that’s unwise. is it? i have no clue. i guess maybe i need to just accept the loneliness i’m feeling, embrace it, stop trying to fill it or replace it. stop keeping myself busy and just be lonely, keep my own company. watch a lot of tv.

it’s funny how little i care about something after its time has passed. i was so excited to go see the barbie movie and then i didn’t, and now i doubt i’ll ever watch it. i have no wish to. i finally realized luna and i would never be real friends the way things stand right now, so i’ve stopped caring. javi doesn’t text me so i don’t text him anymore. everything comes and goes. once i know someone’s not interested in me i lose my crush on them completely. i forget about everything, and once i forget, it stops mattering even after i remember. this is actually a conversation i should be having in therapy because i can hear myself kinda spouting BS a little but i’m not sure how to call it on my own. high school was so awful and now it’s a million years ago. everything passes. life is a river and you never see the same wave twice. it’s probably not good for me that i haven’t written poetry in so long. though i remember i used to always say it was a “bad sign if i was writing poetry again”. truth is though, if i’m doing badly i should be writing about it. i’m trying to convince myself to start making art again. fill up my sketchbook with whatever. rip myself from my phone and put my anxious energy into my art. whatever that art is. i just feel so pathetic lately. so nothing. i feel like i could melt away and i would be as much use to the world as a puddle. sometimes i feel like i’m just here to entertain everyone else and i’m not living for myself. everyone loves me, everyone cares about me, everyone’s happy to see me, but nobody wants to spend time with me. nobody reaches out unless i reach my hand out first. nobody even has the time to go to a fucking movie with me. i’m just the eternal manic pixie dream girl. kayla reaches out, i guess. but that’s something else. we don’t have anything to say to each other. when i’m with her i don’t have any passions or dreams or aspirations. i’m just a body next to hers. old wise man with a guiding light when she needs it. and it doesn’t feel good, and it’s not her fault. it’s completely inexplicable.

anyway i’m sad. obviously LOL this is such a depressive pessimistic entry. i’m trying to quit biting my cuticles and i’m not doing well at it. i keep forgetting until i’ve already got the skin half-ripped between my teeth. and by then, might as well. i’m so over begging for company. people can come to me. people can make plans with me. people can do that or i can do things on my own, like always. maybe i want to be alone because i know every book and therapist and person will tell me this is an awful plan. no good to stop trying with other people. but i want to. i’m tired of trying. and i know i’m loved, i know i’m cared about. i’ve just started to feel like a monkey with cymbals in their hands. everyone’s off doing something important with their life, going somewhere, working towards something, caring and living and i’m the little kid on the couch, just waiting till they come home. i don’t feel like my own person anymore. i keep checking my messages, obsessively, looking for that little red dot. WHAT ever. it’s cold out and i finished my coffee and i feel very small.

[megsbooklr]

Summer Reading 2023: July

A quick summary of what I was able to read in July!

Finished:

A Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

The last one! I liked that in this collection we're back to cases that don't necessarily involve murder ^^ It also features the moment between Sherlock and Watson (as well as one of Sherlock's most savage replies to Watson's attempt at reasoning, to balance things up xD). And I was really happy to realize what was going on in Thor Bridge and Lion's Mane quicker than Sherlock did, lol :D

The House of Silk by Anthony Horowitz

(The "official" Sherlock Holmes novel penned by a different author)

It. Was. Amazing!!! The prose truly felt as if it was written by Doctor Watson, long into his retirement. The story is a tangled one, involving not just one but two cases, many lies, much cruelty, a huge scandal and conspiracy, elusive foes... and equally elusive temporary allies :D I loved it! It can be easily incorporated into the canon.

The Three Monarchs by Anthony Horowitz

(The "official" short Sherlock Holmes story penned by a different author)

I'd say it's nothing very remarkable, but it's just like canon short stories and it reminded me of the one with plaster busts, but the resolution was completely different :) so it was an okay read.

Prelude to Foundation by Isaac Asimov

Got it as a graduation present from my lab - and finally had the time to read it :) I loved it, it was an easy to read and compelling story with twists that I didn't even anticipate. I'd like to read the other books in the series too!

The Ghost Bride by Yangsze Choo

After watching the TV series a few years ago, I wanted to read the original novel. Finally I did! The plot and characters were quite different from the drama ones, but both versions worked for me. The book is much slower and focuses more on the heroine herself, as well as the detailed descriptions of both the real world and the afterlife. And Erlang was a fantastic character in the book ^^

Sachiiro no One Room by Hakuri

The last volume of the manga made me cry uncontrollably for quite some time... (and this reaction of mine scared me a little, ngl :)) Wow, what a journey it was. Read it if you can stomach stories about child abuse.

The Summer Hikaru Died vol. 1-2 by Mokumokuren

It's a slice-of-life horror BL manga. Not mu usual go-to genres :D so I did not really plan to read this series... but I checked out a few chapters and decided to give it a chance, since I wasn't that much scared by the horror part. Indeed, so far it's been a really interesting, slightly spooky story! But apparently there's a lot of it still ahead of us.

Moriarty the Patriot vol. 15 by Ryosuke Takeuchi & Hikaru Miyoshi

This volume begins telling the story of what happened after the Moriarty Plan had been realized. I'm re-reading the whole series (this time in my native tongue) but I'm still as emotional about certain scenes as I was when seeing them for the first time :')

BSD vol. 23 by Kafka Asagiri & Sango Harukawa

The battles between Kenji and Tecchou as well as Fukuchi and Fukuzawa (and their backstory!), Aya and Bram's attempts of escape, the Mersault Game (famous chapter 101)... I loved it ^^

The extra chapters of MDZS by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

I read them all except for the incense burner one (I don't need... this, lol). I rather liked most of them, especially the investigative ones ^^

Half-Way There:

Aoharu x Machinegun by NAOE

I read up till the first round of the TGC, so just a few more volumes to go ^^

The Apothecary Diaries by Natsu Hyuuga, Nekokurage, Itsuki Nanao

I caught up with the first seven volumes. I love this manga so much! A historical slice-of-life/investigative series with two unhinged (in different ways) main characters :D

Just started:

Death Note and Spy x Family :)

Up-to-Date With:

The Snake and the Crane

Lore Olympus

Return of the Mad Demon

Holmes of Kyoto by Mai Mochizuki & Ichiha Akizuki (up to chapter 48) I'm in love with this series! A modern slice-of-life with art and antiques and some investigations ^^ I hope the manga goes on, if not, I've gotta invest myself into light novels.... :)

[theworld-accordingtocasey]

👁👄👁

Request for Anon (Alien NCT: The 7th Sense) *10.8k, yandere, smut, orgy, gang-bang, non-con themes, unprotected sex, fingering, penetration, delusions, dreams, mind control, abuse, violence, blood, hospitalization, paranoia, possessiveness

“Uh… sorry…”

Keep reading

[blackholelynn]

How Could You?

Summary: After you grieved your girlfriend's death, your world came to a screeching halt when you found out she never died. You have been avoiding Emily since you returned, but you can't avoid her forever when you work together too.

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of grief and death, canon-typical violence, injury

Word Count: 5.5k because I have no chill lol

A/N: This is probably the longest one shot I have written to date. I'm not sure how I feel about some parts of this, but I think this is a good first try at writing an Emily fic! I've never written for her so tell me how I did 😊

~~~

The elevator was smooth and quiet. However, your mind was anything but. The closer that the ascending box took you to the bullpen of the BAU, the more your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest. Since Emily had come back, you called off sick to avoid dealing with the heartache, but you were running out of sick time. Plus, the team needed you. During the last case you missed, Spencer called you a handful of times to bounce ideas off you.

The ding caught Penelope’s attention when the elevator doors opened, and her focus was redirected from her trip to the bullpen. “You’re back! Thank god! Spencer and I were worried sick about you when you bailed on our marathon the other night.”

“Oh, Pen,” you sighed, remembering that you had planned a marathon of The Lord of the Rings, but you had completely forgotten about it. “I should’ve at least texted you, but it all just slipped my mind. I’m so sorry.”

“No apologies necessary, crime fighter.” Penelope’s smile was warm and understanding, and it made you realize just how much you had missed your friends in the time that you’d been gone. She gave you a light hug before leading you towards the bullpen, case files in her hands. “I was just about to present a case to the team, so you’re just in time.”

You forced a smile. “Good.”

“I may not be a profiler, but I know when you’re faking it. What’s wrong? Spill.”

“I haven’t…I haven’t talked to Emily since she got back.”

Your statement was met with stunned silence, something you'd never seen from Penelope. You couldn't blame her, considering you and Emily had been the not-so-secret power couple of the team. To hear that you two were no longer on speaking terms was incomprehensible.

Before she could get out a response, the rest of the team noticed your arrival at the bullpen. You were surrounded instantly by your concerned friends, with Spencer and JJ taking up most of your vision while Derek and Rossi hovered on the outskirts with watchful eyes. You knew that they would have their questions soon enough, and you were just thankful that their questions would come later.

You tried your best to field Spencer and JJ’s questions, but your wandering eyes got the best of you. “Where’s Hotch and Emily?”

“I was just about to take this to Hotch. He’s in his office,” Penelope answered for you, holding up a pile of case folders. Her tone of voice gave away how many unasked questions she had, but despite that, she wasn’t going to ask them where the rest of the team could overhear. “You want to come with? Announce your return to the boss man?”

You smiled at her familiar teasing tone and nodded. “Yeah. I’d like that.” Anything if it meant giving you some breathing room.

Spencer and JJ’s faces fell in dejection and concern, but they let you pass regardless to follow Penelope up the stairs to Hotch’s office. You hadn’t wanted to talk about Emily, hadn’t even wanted to think about her. It didn’t seem like your friends' nosiness would help you at all in that goal. Why had you thought you could hide anything from profilers anyway?

When you opened the door to his office, Hotch’s eyes didn’t move from the paperwork that he was working on. While he was usually very meticulous about his paperwork, his pen scribbled at a breakneck pace. It was clear that he was catching up on paperwork that had needed to be done for a while.

And when you moved closer to his desk and saw the folder, you realized it was your paperwork – the paperwork to be completed before your absence. “Hotch, you didn’t have to do all that.”

“You’re back,” he stated with some surprise. His pen stopped moving, and he stood up from his desk, a small smile on his face. “It’s good to see you’re feeling better.”

You nodded, a slight pang of guilt hitting you. “Yeah…” You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the stack of papers that Hotch was working on when you should’ve been the one to put the overtime in for it. “You could have sent the paperwork home for me to do.”

“You were sick.”

“How many nights did you spend here filling all this out instead of going home to Jack?” When he didn’t answer, you frowned and took the stack of papers and folders under your arm. “I’ll finish these now that I’m back. I appreciate the gesture, but you’ve got to take care of yourself.”

“Alright, but you probably won’t have much time right now. You have a case for me, Garcia?” Hotch’s eyes looked over your shoulder where Penelope stood.

She nodded and handed the pile of case files to him. “Yeah, and it’s in Florida.”

“Goodie,” you sarcastically replied, throwing a teasing smirk over your shoulder at her. When you turned around and saw Hotch’s disapproving look, you defensively threw up your hands, shrugging. “I’m just saying. It’s hot, there are mosquitos, and our worst cases are there. I hate Florida.”

“Then you should make sure to pack some bug spray,” Hotch suggested before taking the files from Penelope and walking out towards the conference room. You shared a commiserating look with Penelope before you both followed, keeping close to his heels, so you weren’t left behind by his long strides. When you entered the room, you stopped short, causing Penelope to step on the backs of your shoes.

Emily sat at the round table in her regular seat, between Derek and Spencer, and as soon as her eyes landed on you, she nearly bolted out of her chair. Your heart rose to your throat, and it felt like the corners of the world darkened. You were back in the hospital waiting room, falling into Derek and JJ’s arms as you dissolved into sobs after getting the news. The months afterward, where you lived huddled under blankets on your living room couch, flashed by.

You backed out of the room, only managing to mumble to Penelope, “I don’t feel well.” Before she could ask any more questions, your feet swiftly carried you away from the conference room and out of the bullpen entirely.

Thankfully, the bathroom was completely empty, including the stalls, and you hunched over the sink and splashed cold water on your face. Your image stared back at you in the mirror, betraying how sick you felt. The grief and anger washed over you in waves and churned your stomach. You’d been psyching yourself up for this very moment, but as soon as you saw Emily again, none of the preparation mattered.

You were interrupted by the door opening, and JJ hesitantly stepped into the room, letting the door close behind her with a gentle thud. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just still feeling a bit under the weather, I guess.” You avoided her gaze and grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser, wiping the water and cold sweat from your face. “Sorry if I worried you guys.”

“Don’t worry about it, but I just came to make sure you were okay. If you need more time–”

“No!” You hurriedly interjected. While you didn’t want to increase your heartbreak, the thought of staying cooped up in your apartment for one more day made you cringe. You’d entirely caught up with your morning podcast, and its episodes numbered in the hundreds. “No, I just don’t think I’m well enough to fly. I think I’ll drive down and meet you guys.”

JJ crossed her arms, the maternal concern creating a furrow in her brow. “It’s a long drive. Are you sure that you’re all right driving that far alone?”

“Yeah, JJ. I’ll be all good. I just want to get back to work.”

“I’ll let Hotch know,” she relented with a sigh.

You grinned and pulled her in for a hug. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” She returned the hug before turning to leave. “Now, you better get driving. I’ll have Garcia call you and fill you in while you’re driving.”

When you were alone in the bathroom again, you finally felt the vice grip around your heart loosen, and you could breathe. The glow came back to your face, and you gave yourself one more glance in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. If you were driving, you would need to go now to limit how much time you’d be playing catch up in the future.

~~~

As you hauled yourself into the police station, your entire body felt like lead. The sweltering heat was not helping your exhaustion, and as you walked in, you wavered in your step slightly.

The woman at the front desk glanced up at you and wasted no time stopping you. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but may I ask how we can help you today?”

You reached into your blazer pocket and pulled out your badge, flipping it open with little energy. “I’m here with the BAU. I couldn’t fly, so I drove. I apologize for the delay.”

“I see,” she said while looking you up and down. Her disapproving stare gave her true feelings away, but she waved for you to follow her regardless. “Your team’s this way.”

You followed her with slow movements, desperately wanting a second to close your eyes and rest after the fifteen-hour drive you’d just made. You had thought about stopping at the halfway point in South Carolina, but you didn’t want to waste any more time than was necessary.

The local police station had set aside a conference room for your team, and when you opened the door, it seemed that the rest of your team, aside from Spencer, were still in the field. Your resident boy genius stood in front of the whiteboard with a map spread out and a marker resting against his chin.

He was so engrossed that he didn’t turn away his attention until you poked him in the side, and he yelped, dropping the marker to the ground. “What was that for?”

“I’ve been here for a minute, yet I still get no welcome. What’s with that?” Your lips quirked up into a mischievous smile as you unpacked your satchel.

“How’s the geo profile coming along?”

“It’s going. I’m still trying to piece together what all of this means. We have the comfort zone, but I’m still trying to figure out why the unsub’s choosing these areas.”

You stood beside him in front of the whiteboard and crossed your arms. “When Penelope called to fill me in, she said that the disposal sites ranged from deep in the forest to an alley behind a diner. Anything lining up visually when you put it on the map?”

“Nothing.”

“Wow. If you can’t see it, then it’s probably not there.” You gently bit your thumbnail, your eyes narrowing as you stared at the map. “Okay, if there’s nothing visual and nothing similar about the dumpsites, then maybe it’s something personal to the unsub that connects them.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know yet.” You looked around the vacant conference room before turning back to the whiteboard. “Everyone else is in the field?”

Spencer nodded, putting the cap on the dry erase marker and setting it on the whiteboard tray. “They split up and went to all three of the dumpsites. We might be able to piece the connection together a bit better after they get back. Any ideas on the victimology?”

“The fact that all the victims were young brunette women speaks to the unsub having a specific target of his rage, probably a woman who scorned him considering the age. Maybe…” The wheels in your head began turning as you looked at all the dumpsites. A remote spot in the woods, an alley behind a diner, and inside a car parked in a parking garage – all places where teenagers would go to be alone. “That’s it! That’s what connects the dumpsites.”

“What?” Spencer looked at the map again with a curious tilt of his head. He seemed frustrated that he couldn’t find the connection himself.

You pointed to the pictures of the dumpsites in sequential order. “When you’re a teenager who can’t get privacy at home, where would you take a date?”

“I…don’t know?”

“All of these spaces are easily accessible and relatively secluded, so they’re perfect for taking a date somewhere without the prying eyes of parents. You think the unsub might be reliving romantic trists from his teenage years?”

Spencer’s eyebrows shot up, and he hurried to the conference table to dive through the case files. When he found what he was looking for, he laid out pictures of each of the victims at the crime scenes. Your eyes scanned them. However, you weren’t able to see what he did. You only saw the gruesome images of the victims discarded on the ground at the dumpsites.

He pointed at a tree in the background of the photo at the dumpsite in the woods, and his words were rushed as he explained. “I noticed these carvings in this tree, but since it wasn’t at the other disposal sites, I wasn’t sure what to make of it.”

“A plus G…corny but cute.” You then turned your attention to the pictures of the other two crime scenes and searched for the same initials. You found them tiny and carved into both the car’s dash and the doorframe of the diner’s backdoor. They were new, unlike the large and confident carving of the tree. “The unsub carved them into both the other disposal sites, but they were much smaller. I think this carving in the tree was done before the murders when the unsub was a teenager. That’s where this whole thing starts.”

Before Spencer could answer, the rest of the team came through the door, looking entirely exhausted. However, when they saw that you arrived, you were thrust into a gambit of hugs and welcomes from your friends. Everyone on the team greeted you with a smile, everyone except–

“I heard you couldn’t make the flight,” Emily pointed out, awkwardly staying at the conference room entrance.

You cleared your throat, but nothing would come out when you tried to speak. The room descended into an awkward silence. Spencer swooped in to save the day by redirecting everyone’s attention and updating them on your breakthrough from just a few moments ago. You took the distraction as an opportunity to slip out of the room and take a few deep breaths in the hallway.

However, Emily was right on your heels. “Is everything alright? I’ve been calling–”

“Everything’s fine,” you dismissed. You couldn’t even look her in the eye and opted to stare at the old carpeting in the police station. The smell of her shampoo began to overwhelm you as she took a few steps closer, bringing tears to your eyes. With a dismissive wave of your hand, you bolted towards the station's front door. “Just need some air.”

Emily reached for you, but you evaded her grasp. She stood in the hallway, watching your retreating form, wondering what she could have done wrong. Every part of her ached to hold you again, to talk to you, even just to look in your eyes. She knew it would be hard when she got back, but it had been a month without even a simple glance between the two of you.

Derek joined Emily in the hallway and noticed the forlorn look on her face as she stared at the door, still swinging close. “Just give it time.”

“How much time?” She turned towards him, tears in her eyes. “What if I messed everything up?”

“You’ll get through. It’s going to take more than this to tear you two apart.”

“I don’t know…” Emily’s eyes turned back to where you had been, the frown on her face deepening. “I think this might be sink or swim, Derek.”

He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Then swim.”

Derek didn’t linger for too long and left to continue his work and give Emily some much-needed space. She sniffled a bit and composed herself before going back into the conference room to work on the profile.

~~~

You had managed to avoid Emily for most of the case, with Hotch picking up on the tension and assigning you both to different areas seemingly on purpose. The rest of the team had started to pick up on the conflict between the two of you, but none of them had mentioned it. You supposed that they wouldn't mention it unless you brought it up, and you couldn’t decide whether that was for the better.

Another victim was abducted, prompting you to work that much harder to finish the profile. After the team delivered the profile to the local police, Rossi called you into another room, and you could tell that your luck had run out. He sat in the break room of the police station with a warm cup of coffee in his hands, and when you entered, he motioned for you to take a seat in the chair opposite him. Another cup of coffee sat there waiting for you, steam billowing out of the cheap paper cup.

“What’s this…?” You hesitantly entered the room and closed the door behind you, but you stayed standing. It felt like you had been called into the principal’s office without knowing what you had done wrong.

“Coffee,” he answered, sipping the coffee from his cup. “Just thought you could use a break since you’ve been feeling so under the weather lately.”

You quirked a brow at him, an amused smile on your face, but you still humored him and sat down to take a drink from the coffee. “Thanks, but I can tell you want to talk about something.”

“Just the sudden aversion that you have to your own girlfriend.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” you answered, hiding your expression by taking another drink of the coffee. You kept the cup near your face so he couldn’t see your mouth, which would hopefully hinder his profiling, at least a little.

Rossi’s mouth thinned into a line as he gave you a scolding glare. “You and I both know that’s a lie. Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to feel, but you two work together. You both took on the risks of an interoffice relationship, and now you need to make sure you don’t let this ruin your professionalism.”

“Professionalism?” That had touched a nerve, and you couldn’t help the small bitter chuckle that bubbled past your lips. “Are you seriously lecturing me about professionalism right now?”

“Yes, because if you can’t work with her, you’re going to make a mistake in the field. That could jeopardize your career or worse – get someone hurt. I know you don’t want that.”

“I’m fine. Trust me. My professionalism is woefully intact.”

“I just want you to be careful.”

You smiled and stood up from your seat, leaving the bitter coffee on the table while it was only half drank. “Careful is my middle name. I got this.” After giving him a small wave goodbye, you left the room and made your way back to the conference room. On your way there, you passed JJ and Emily having a conversation in the hallway. It was difficult, but you made a point of not stopping and joining.

The conference room was empty when you arrived, and you closed the door behind you, breathing out a sigh of relief. Finally, you no longer felt like you were suffocating. The tense, jittery feeling was now starting to happen around everyone else in the team and not just Emily, considering that they all now looked at you as though you were about to snap at any moment. To try and keep your mind busy, you took another look at all the case information currently displayed on the whiteboards in the room.

As you looked at all of the information, you thought again about the first dumpsite. Considering that those initials were the first ones carved so long ago, that had to have meant that the first victim meant something. He wouldn’t have dumped someone that wasn’t important in a place with so much meaning to him.

You wasted no time in pulling out your phone and dialing your favorite tech analyst. “Hey, Penelope.”

“How are you?” Her voice was rushed and panicked, and you couldn’t help but feel bad that you barely got to talk to her before you left.

“Good. I’m good,” you answered before steering the conversation back to your original reason for calling. “I called because I was wondering what kind of information you were able to dig up on the first victim.”

The loud clacking of her keyboard could be heard even through the phone. “All of it, of course. You wound me.”

“Anything specifically about a man in her life that would fit the profile? Likely someone she crossed paths with when she was a teenager.”

“Oh…bingo, genius crime-fighter,” Penelope congratulated. “Meet Anthony Cook. He’s a mega creep who has a long line of restraining orders. Looks like every girlfriend he’s had has ended with a court order and bad feelings, starting with our first victim.”

“You have an address?”

“Sent it to your phone. I’ll send it to the rest of the team too.”

“Thanks, Garcia.” You hung up the phone and rushed out of the conference room to tell Hotch about your eureka moment. However, you stopped in your tracks when you saw him talking with Emily and the rest of the team, huddled around a case file lying open on the table. Your feet felt like lead. No matter how much you tried to talk yourself into it, you couldn’t get yourself to walk over.

So instead, you walked out the front door of the police station on your own again, and you would deal with the rest of this case by yourself. You were sure it was something that you could handle. The entire drive to the unsubs address had your hands sweating, and there was no one there to talk to break the tension.

Anthony lived in an average-looking home in the middle of the suburbs, and the contrast between his evil deeds and the purity of the surrounding area sent a chill down your spine. You put the SUV in park just across the street from his house and got out. Your breath was shaky as you pulled out your gun and carefully snaked around the outside of the house.

A muffled scream alerted you to a smaller window jutting just above the ground, and after looking inside, you saw a woman tied to a chair with a cloth gagging her. The room was completely cement, and the low set window suggested that the room was the basement.

You were about to call for backup when the woman noticed your presence and made eye contact with you. Her screams became louder, and her eyes were filled with pleading desperation. She struggled against the ropes tying her arms and legs to the chair. Before you could think twice about it, you used the butt of your gun to break the window and carefully shimmied your way through it.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright. I’m with the FBI,” you explained, carefully untying the ropes. “You’re safe.”

She shook her head furiously, and you took the cue to take the cloth from her mouth. “Behind you,” she whispered.

You didn’t have a chance to react before you felt a painful blow to the back of the head, causing your head to throb and your vision to darken. Your hands flew to the back of your head as you crumpled to the ground, and you rolled onto your back to try and get a better look at who had hit you.

Anthony Cook stood above you and grabbed you harshly by the collar of your shirt. “You little bitch. You feds think you can just break into my home?”

“They’ll find you.” Your voice trembled as you struggled to stay conscious. The pain felt like your head was splitting in half, and your eyes rolled in your head, trying to focus on anything you could. “They’ll find you.”

You repeated those words in a mantra even as he descended on you, repeatedly hitting you over and over again until it felt like your entire body was on fire. Tears ran down your face, mixing with the blood that was starting to trickle from your head wound. You were sure that he had broken a few of your ribs and a myriad of other bones, and that wasn’t even taking into account the internal damages.

After one more kick to the stomach, you nearly lost your battle to stay conscious until you heard Emily’s voice come from the stairs. “FBI! Anthony Cook, put your hands where I can see them!”

“Emily,” you deliriously mumbled, a smile coming to your face when you heard her voice. Everything would be okay if Emily were there. She would save you.

The last thing you saw before your heavy eyelids closed was Anthony Cook being led away in handcuffs and the victim being led out by paramedics.

~~~

Your mind was hazy as you came to, but you immediately knew you were in the hospital by the harsh lighting and smell of chemicals. The heart monitor's beeping made your headache worse, but it was a morbid comfort to know that you were at least still alive.

“You’re awake.” Hotch was standing by the window of your hospital room with his arms crossed, and you could tell that he was beyond pissed. There was a vein in his neck that you had never seen before, so you could only imagine how long he had been stewing. You were going to answer him, but he approached your bedside and started his lecture before you could. “What were you thinking? You went to an unsub’s address without telling anyone, broke into the home without a warrant, and then directly engaged with the suspect. You’re lucky you weren’t killed.”

You swallowed thickly to try and speak through the hoarseness in your throat. “But I wasn’t.”

“Which we’re all extremely thankful for, but that doesn’t eliminate the fact that what you did was completely reckless.”

Your eyes pricked with tears as you looked at him, the flood of emotions you had kept at bay overflowing from the adrenaline hangover. “I just don’t know if I can do it anymore, Hotch.”

Hotch’s stern exterior faltered as concern began to replace it, and he sat down in the chair beside your bed, leaning forward on his knees. “What do you mean by that?”

“This job,” you sobbed, hugging yourself tightly as you cried. “It’s taken everything away from me, even what it gave me in the first place. I can’t even be around her without feeling like I’m going crazy.”

“Emily?”

“Yes!” When you realize how badly you were snapping at Hotch, you curled up in the bed with your back to him. You sniffled, and your voice barely carried even though the room was silent. “I’d like to be alone now.”

Typically, his professionalism kept him in the role of your boss, but the gentle squeeze on your shoulder before the sound of his shoes traveled to the hallway showed you that he was more concerned about being your friend. When the solitude finally sunk in, your shoulders shook as you curled in on yourself. As your hand clutched the hospital sheets, you could hear the beating of your heart monitor become more erratic.

“Oh my god,” a voice said. It was Emily, and you only felt more like you were being buried alive. Her footsteps were rushed as she raced to your bedside, assessing both you and the concerning beeps of the heart monitor. “Are you feeling alright? Do you need me to get a nurse?”

You wanted to stay with your back to her and continue ignoring her, but the pull between you two began to win. You painstakingly turned to face her, and when Emily saw the large tear streaks staining your cheeks, you could see her concern only grow. Your anger completely slipped her mind as she surged forward, taking your face in her hands and examining you thoroughly.

Despite what you wanted, you found yourself sinking into her touch and dissolving into more tears. “How could you?” Your hands moved from their grip on the sheets to clutching her jacket, and your head fell to her shoulder. The warmth of her skin and the gentleness of her touch made you feel like you were home again.

“I’m sorry,” she answered, hesitantly encircling you in her arms. You both descended into silence as you continued to weep all the feelings you’d bottled up into her blazer, and she stayed right by her side as she had said. Emily’s hand slowly caressed your hair in an attempt to soothe you. After your sobs became less pronounced, she finally spoke, her voice soft, “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I’m so sorry.”

“I wished that changed anything,” you sighed, removing yourself from her arms. Your brain faltered when you saw the heartbroken look on her face, but the anger sliced through any hesitation you had. “I’m going to tell Hotch I’m leaving the team.”

“What?!” Emily was in disbelief, her jaw agape. “Being in the BAU was your dream!”

You bitterly chuckled, wiping the remnants of tears from your eyes. “And it turned out to be a nightmare. So then building a life with you became my dream, and that shattered too. It hurts too much.”

“You know that if there were any other way, I would’ve taken it. Leaving you was the last thing I wanted to do, especially with you thinking I was dead. It was the only way to keep you safe.”

“I always felt unsafe since taking this job.” You leaned back against the propped-up hospital pillows, smoothing out the crumpled blanket over your legs. “Until you and I got together. I felt like the entire world wasn’t some dangerous place for the first time, and then you died.”

Her knees nearly buckled, and she lowered herself into the chair beside your bedside. “I never knew you felt that way. You were always so…”

“Happy? Yeah, because you were there. You were the light in a world of darkness that I unwittingly put myself in. I got a glimpse of it again while you were gone, and I just can’t believe that it could go back to the way it was before.”

“But just because you and I didn’t work out doesn’t mean you should quit the team! I don’t want to be the reason you leave.” She took a deep breath to try and steady her shaky voice. “I can be completely professional and only talk to you about cases if that’s what you want.”

You spared her a pitying glance and shook your head. “I can’t. You saw what this is doing to me, and I’m not going to risk other people’s lives just because I want to force my life to work. I want to go somewhere and start over where I don’t know anyone, and nobody knows me.”

“So…that’s it? You’re giving up?” Emily’s tone was incredulous and disbelieving. She never thought it was something she would hear – that you were giving up. You had been the stubborn one in the relationship and the grounded one. You weren’t as flighty and scared of commitment as she was, so your revelation had her beyond confused.

“Call it what you want. I’m telling Hotch about my resignation today, and after I leave the hospital and get arrangements, I’m leaving,” you stated with finality. Speaking it aloud made you feel a bit lighter, like there might be something ahead for you other than the overwhelming guilt and grief you’d felt daily for months.

Emily’s head lowered, and her hair shielded her face, but you could tell from her sniffling that she was trying not to cry. She was trying to be strong as always. However, this time you didn’t reach out to tell her it was okay to cry. It took her a moment for her to collect herself, but when she did, she silently stood from the chair and moved towards the door.

She stopped at the doorway and took one last look at you, a forlorn expression on her face. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

Your eyes glued themselves to your hands that fidgeted in your lap, but despite how long you’d dreaded this moment, you felt numb more than anything. You’d lost her once, and at least this time, you knew that she would be living a full life somewhere else. Maybe when all the scars smoothed over, you would catch up over a coffee and talk about what you had both accomplished. Maybe they would never smooth over, and you would both be little more than strangers.

All you knew was that the sharp pain in your chest was finally starting to dissipate so that you couldn’t have possibly made the wrong choice.

Right?

[birdie-ghost]

For the Greg is Mike's kid au: go off fam. infodump. I wanna know more 👁👄👁

ALRIGHT

I wanted to answer this with art but like my pen broke and i cant do that :')

K so the reason older mike isn't a corpse in some of my art is 'cus I like to think the logical reason that he is somehow alive is because Ennard left behind some robot spaghetti in Mike when they decided that the best way to exit the skin suit they borrowed was through his mouth, and mike's spirit/remnant attached to that metal. Like that's my personal theory and what I'd like to think is pretty logical.

Even though I know that with Scott's writing Mike is probably just running off of spite.

But that aside In my au Mike talked with henry while they were planning that whole ✨pizzeria built to be burnt down✨ mike was talking with henry and was like

"Hey If I manage to live could you build me a body so that I can like, have a life, and not have to live as a corpse for forever?"

And Henry was like "Oh yea lol for sure if you live I'll have a whole body ready for you" because henry's a cool dude like that.

I'm saying this really generally because it went down in a more serious manner. I just do not have it in me to write it all out lmao.

Mike manages to survive that whole thing, gets out before they set fire to the place. The pizzeria burns down and then later that area becomes a sink hole. Mike gets his new body/shell thing with a good ol' illusion disk and he can live his life. He goes through a couple of jobs at this point and then there's the news that the pizzaplex is being built, Mike, still hellbent on making sure that his dad's legacy dies, gets a job there as the head of security. He does his damned best to make sure there's no more murders in the pizzaplex. And he does so successfully for the first couple of years, until Vanessa shows up and things start going downhill fast.

.

Now onto Gregory!

Gregory doesn't know anything about his dad's history, Mike would want to give Gregory as normal a childhood as possible. Mike is sheltering him and trying to give him the childhood that he and his siblings should have had but didn't 'cus ya know, his dad was a mass murderer.

Now you can either go with the Gregory Is A Robot theory and say Mike built Gregory as his kid or something, or your can go with the Gregory Is Just A Kid That Mike Adopted. They're both interesting and they both lead to different ways you can write angst.

Gregory has always been interested in robots and engineering, much to his dad's dismay he loves the fazbear animatronics, 'cus they're cool and the machinery interests Gregory a lot, he wants to know how they work and such. But Gregory isn't allowed anywhere near the pizzaplex or any animatronics, and Gregory doesn't understand why his dad hates them so much but he follows his dad's as best he can.

.

Now we're gonna talk about Jeremy and how he fits into my whole au.

Jeremy's part is completely uneccissary, you could do this entire au without him. I just personally enjoy writing romance and I think it's a cute idea and such. If you want to take the outline for this au and completely throw this part out the window go for it!

Jeremy and Mike were friends as kids but Jeremy's family ended up moving away. everything between the bite of 83 and sister location happens without him in the story at all. Jeremy works as the a dayguard in fnaf 1 and 2 but both of those locations ended up closed/burned down. So Jeremy sticking with the company gets a job at fazbear frights as the dayguard when it opens up. Jeremy is a big fan of horror and a big nerd for the whole franchise sense he was a kid and is excited to see it go this way.

Fazbear Frights ended up making a good amount of money and management decided they wanted to up security to 2 dayguards and 2 nightguards. So they ended up hiring two new dayguards and demoting Jeremy because he was 'too laid back'.

So Jeremy and Mike reunite, Mike tells Jeremy about everything that happened, they both burn down the old pizzeria. They both work with Henry on the whole ✨pizzeria built to be burnt down✨

Mike lives and gets his new body/shell or whatever you want to call that, Jeremy and him get married and they both adopt/build Gregory

.

Now, the whole reason Gregory breaks into the pizzaplex in this au is because Vanny, instructed by William/Glitchtrap/Burntrap(ig), knocked Mike out at the end of his shift, brought him down to the underground pizzeria and then went to their house and knocked out Jeremy. William doesn't know Gregory exists until Vanny breaks into the house, Jeremy tells Gregory to run at the beginning of the intrusion, Gregory does so but doesn't go far, and watches his dad get taken by Vanny in a pizzaplex van.

Gregory, now hellbent on finding his dads goes to the pizzaplex and then we have Security breach's whole events (but I don't want to destroy the animatronics so we just don't do that, instead he takes them out of William's control cus I want to make a generally happy au)

.

Both Mike and Jeremy are ace in this au because its my au and that means I get to project onto the characters in it.

[ifmywishescametrue]

Hi!!! First of all, I am like🥺 such a fan of everything you write! And so I saw that you’re taking prompts and thought I’d try my luck. So, if you’re inspired of course, maybe you would do “I’m not leaving” or “I’m glad you’re here” (or literally any prompt from that list bc they’re all just🥺🥺) for Steve/Tony? Oh, and as a fellow Swiftie, I hope you’re ready for the Fearless re-release tomorrow !!!🤯 bc I’m looking forward to crying my way through this weekend🥲🥰🥺💖💞

hi!!! thank you so much, and I’m so sorry this took so long! but i also managed to put both prompts into it so hopefully that makes up for it lol. also the fearless re-recordings are so insanely good and the vault songs are god tier!!

Tony has a vision in his mind for the day he graduates from college. It’s been there since he was just a kid and the furthest ahead he could imagine for himself was that day. At the time it seemed like a hundred years away, and it carried an allure of freedom that was nearly unfathomable back then. 

He always thought Ana and Jarvis would be there, sitting next to his mom. Howard came and went from the vision, because sometimes Tony would dream that it would be the day he was finally proud of him and sometimes he would be out of Tony’s life completely by then. When Steve comes into his life in middle school, new to California from Brooklyn, he gets added to that vision, too. 

The reality ends up disappointing. 

It’s been a few months since Jarvis passed, a couple of years since his parents died, and even longer since Ana’s death, but it hurts a little more today. All of the empty seats make Tony’s chest ache. Steve’s absence makes it even worse, even if he understands it. It’s not the first time the army made him miss something big, and Tony knows it won’t be the last. At least he’d been apologetic on the phone. A little sad, even, which made Tony feel worse for it. 

After the ceremony ends, Rhodey slings his arm around his shoulder and Pepper walks on his other side. 

“Just once I wish they’d pick someone actually good to speak at these things,” Rhodey complains. “That was so cheesy.”

“You mean you aren’t excited for the first day of the rest of our lives?” Pepper teases. 

Tony laughs, “I thought the real low point was that joke he tried to make in the middle. Not too inspiring to imply that our degrees are essentially useless.”

“No, I love knowing that I’ve wasted the last four years.”

Rhodey hums, “Also wish he was a little more wrong about that.”

Rhodey’s family starts to call his name, waving enthusiastically from where the large group of them is huddled together. Pepper’s parents stand with them, looking so clearly like the odd ones out that it makes Tony grin. 

“I see your families are getting along just fine,” Tony says, watching Pepper’s mom bounce one of Rhodey’s cousins in her arms. 

“They’ve joined forces to nag us to death about getting married,” Pepper sighs, but there’s a fond smile on her face that betrays her. 

“Trying to get you to set a date?”

Rhodey grins, “Trying to get me to propose, actually.”

“You proposed last month,” Tony frowns and looks down at her left hand, which is surprisingly bare. “I didn’t hallucinate that, did I?”

Pepper pulls her necklace out from where it was hidden beneath her collar. The ring sits on a delicate silver chain, diamond glittering in the sunlight for just a moment before she tucks it away again. She puts her index finger to her lips to tell him to keep it quiet, and Tony laughs. 

“What did your innocent families do to deserve this?”

“There are no innocents in our families,” Rhodey says seriously. “We’re just buying ourselves some time until nagging me into proposing turns into everybody trying to plan our wedding for us.”

“My mother has terrible taste,” Pepper adds.

Waving from their families has turned into walking their way, and Tony gets sucked into the fold along with the two of them. He means to slip away after a few minutes, but no one lets that happen. Rhodey’s mom hugs him tightly and tells him he needs to eat more, followed immediately by how proud she is, and his cheeks turn pink under her attention. Somehow she wrangles him into joining them for the celebration dinner, but he can’t say that he minds much when he’s sitting with all of them. The laughter and stories take his mind off the melancholy feeling that’s been following him around lately, and it isn’t until he’s back in his quiet apartment much later in the day that he thinks about it again. 

His hand twists into the chain around his neck, dog tags clinking together. They’re the first ones Steve got, back when he was newly enlisted after high school, and the letters are worn down beneath Tony’s thumb as he traces the shape of Steve’s name. He remembers that first time Steve put them around his neck and told him to keep them safe while he was gone. It was a promise to come back, and on the worst nights they’re both a comfort and a curse. 

Leaning back against the closed door, he looks at the messy room in front of him. Finals week left him with little time for anything other than studying, and that coupled with his existing propensity for disorder, it looks a bit like a smaller tornado crossed through the apartment. Mugs stained with brown rings on the inside litter the coffee table, accompanied by pages of notes, pens, and uncapped highlighters. The blanket has fallen into a crumpled pile on the floor, and Tony is contemplating if he has the will to clean it all up when there’s a knock right behind his head. 

He assumes it’s Rhodey and Pepper, here to decompress after finally untangling themselves from their families, and he turns around to open the door with a light-hearted remark already on his lips. Whatever it was leaves his mind immediately at what he finds instead.

“Hey, baby,” Steve smiles. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

Tony means to say something in return, but all that he actually manages is a choked out sob. He doesn’t fully realize he’s crying until Steve’s hands are on his cheeks to brush away the tears. 

“Don’t cry, sweetheart,” Steve murmurs, and Tony clutches at every part of him that he can reach. He grips the rough fabric of the fatigues, clings to his arms and shoulders and back, and he can’t possibly get close enough. 

“You’re here,” Tony whispers when he eventually finds his breath again. “You’re here, you’re actually here.”

Steve’s hand strokes through his hair, and his other hand is holding on to Tony just as tight as Tony is holding on to him. “I’m here, baby.”

He isn’t sure how long they stand there like that, swaying slightly as they hang on to each other, but it must be quite a long while before he can let go again. Even then, though, he doesn’t let Steve go very far. They fall onto the couch in one tangled mess of limbs. Tony puts his chin on Steve’s chest to look at him, and Steve looks back with a soft smile that almost makes him want to cry again. There’s a small, faded scratch on Steve’s cheek that wasn’t there before, and Tony reaches out to trace it with the tip of his finger. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Tony says quietly, like if he speaks any louder, the lovely little bubble they’re in will break. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here earlier,” Steve says again. “I really tried, but -”

Tony interrupts him with a shake of his head, “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

“I’ll be here for a while, I promise.”

Tony smiles, but there’s a dull, familiar ache in his chest at the thought that it will eventually come to end anyway. “How long do I have you for?”

Instead of answering, Steve shuffles a bit beneath him, hand worming its way into his pocket. He pulls out a folded paper and hands it to Tony, expression unreadable. Tony sits up a little to read it, and by the time he’s finished reading every single line to make sure it’s real, his hand is shaking. 

“You - you’re - discharged?” Tony stammers out. “You’re done?”

Steve nods, grin slowly forming as he watches Tony process it. “Was sort of hoping that might make up for missing the ceremony this morning.”

Tony laughs, light and carefree in a way that he hasn’t felt in four years. He kisses Steve with everything he has, paper crinkling between them, and between one kiss and the next, Steve reassures, “I’m not leaving, sweetheart. Never leaving again.”

[istumpysk]

You know antis use the " willowy" segment to throw shade at Jonsas because Sansa isn't as resourceful as warrior princesses and how she ain't his type . I think they forget 🤣😆 that Sansa plots her own escape , lies convincingly to a smart man like Tyrion and is actually able to escape her captors after also unknowingly killing a despotic tyrant. Also I am cent percent sure that Varys and his little birds were also unaware of Sansa meeting Dontos.

Alright now I do think GRRM was referring to Sansa or should I say she unconsciously hovers in Jon 's POV in ADWD ( Remember the fertile food and Vale 😉 ) . Now buckle up because I do think this might have been bought up earlier by an intelligent Jonsa but considering you want to hoard everything in the Jonsa treasury so that when TWOW comes you can unlock the treasury so that all of us can together use the coins to sneer at antis.

We know Jon has a fool imagery - " You know nothing Jon Snow " ( I hated how the show literally interpreted this line to make him look clueless and dumb ). Now this whole princess in the tower joke that Jon pulls doesn't only unconsciously refer to Sansa but also to his own mother Lyanna ( This is GRRM's doing ) . Now contrary to her " passive " niece , Lyanna was a gifted horse rider and an able fighter . But guess what unlike her passive niece who successfully plots her own escape , Lyanna tragically succumbs . Another anti parallel is how both of them pray for their elder brothers to come rescue them and kill their captors ( Jonny boy don't make fun of princesses trapped in tower ) , Robb fails to kill Sansa's captors and rescue her because he dies before he comes anywhere near Kings Landing whereas Ned happens to reach Tower of Joy and ends up killing Lyanna's captors. Sansa's hopes are dashed but later she flees whereas Lyanna's prayers are fulfilled but by that time it's too late.

So all in all, I think that passage of " Warrior Princess ... Willowy creature " neither tells us about Jon's preference for tomboys nor does it say anything about his preference for ladies. I don't think it has anything to do with attraction or types . It's more of a cruel twisted pun purposefully introduced by GRRM under the garb of the fool imagery - " Jon Snow, you know nothing about princesses trapped in tower so better not try to pull jokes on them because your mother was one and the girl perhaps who is unconsciously hovering in your POV while you made that joke actually subverted that trope . Never mind there is actually a legend about how she employed witchcraft to engineer her escape and oh btw a ghostly Direwolf was seen prowling while her captor was dying " . Twisted puns as literary devices are also employed in Jaime and Theon's POV ( both of them are foils to Jon ) .

Intelligent Jonsas have already penned metas on Arianne Sansa parallels . So to add, Sansa Lyanna aren't the only aunt niece Princess in the Tower duo . Elia and Arianne are another . The nieces' fates would be in complete opposite to the tragic fates of their aunts .

Well there you go. 😳 Well said, anon. What else can I say?

I always feel so much pressure when metas show up in my mailbox. Guys, I'm only going to ruin your work by responding with something juvenile, and entirely below the standard you’ve set, lol.

The only thing I'll add is that the people who weaponize the “willowy creature” quote, and believe it to be an actual reflection of Jon as a person, must not think highly of him. It’s a pitiful thing for him to think, and not a great moment.

Jon, almost every woman in your society is reliant upon a man for her survival and well being, you ignorant asshole.

(Please don’t come for me, I know he’s not being sincere. That’s not our boy. He’s just grouchy, give him a Snickers.)

[clotpole-art]

Retrospective: Illustrated Merlin Alphabet Challenge

Finally finished the Merlin Alphabet Challenge, so here's the artist notes no one asked for! See below the cut for comments on each piece by order of creation. Be warned folks, it's a long post.

Before we begin: credit to @merlin-gifs for the challenge, which can be found here. It's awesome, go do it.

First thing you should know is I did probably 80-90% of these while on phone calls or in Zoom meetings and that's reflected in the simplicity of most pieces -- the compositions aren't complicated, the lines aren't refined, the coloring is slapdash. If you noticed variation in quality of the pieces, that's why!

Second: I tried to focus on trying something new for each drawing. Didn't always happen, but this challenge did succeed in helping me push me out of my own comfort zone.

Without further ado...

A is for Arthur Pendragon

Textures, baby! Brushed metal of his armor, scratchy linen texture of his shirt, wispy softness of hair and skin. I'd recently gotten my tablet out of storage after a year of figuring out where the hell I was going to live and this was one of the first pieces of digital art I spent time on. Glad it was Arthur kicking us off!

B is for the Beginning of the End (1x08)

Fun fact, I did not draw this with my tablet. I drew it with my work computer's touchscreen. It was awful, would not recommend.

C is for Camelot

I wanted to get used to different brushes, so landscape of the castle it was! There are brushes that help with drawing grass; I did not use said brushes and my wrist hurt afterward. That being said, I really enjoyed working on this and it was one of the few pieces I didn't do while multitasking.

D is for Daegal

Also drawn on my work computer's touchscreen, not my tablet. I didn't learn my lesson from B and the experience was even worse. This is my least favorite piece which sucks because it's Daegal so I'm slated to redo this sometime in the near future. Gotta do our boy justice.

E is for Elyan

Oh, I adored drawing this. Elyan often gets shafted in terms of fandom appreciation so I made sure to choose Elyan for this prompt and to participate in the Elyan fest. Plus, I love a good ghost story and figuring out a way to include the druid spectre was fun. Didn't multitask on this piece because Elyan deserved my full attention.

F is for Freya

Ho boy. This piece. I have such mixed feelings on this drawing. Really really didn't like it after I'd decided it was done and very nearly scrapped the whole thing. I had a vision in my head that I just couldn't render into reality and it frustrated me SO MUCH. Looking back, I like it much better than I did when I first created it.

G is for Gwaine

What can I say, he's pretty when he's cold. I didn't stretch too much with this one -- it's my normal drawing style, I was just trying to find a brush that mimicked the softness of pencil.

H is for Hunith

Another one that didn't stray too far from my comfort zone. I was stupid sick and slammed at work, so a motherly Hunith manifested herself. I blame the bad brush choice on the cold medicine.

I is for Isolde

I woke up and chose violence! Tried to vary my figure drawing style a little in this piece but my brain resisted, resulting in... this. Not mad at it, but not happy with it either. Poor Isolde.

J is for Juggling

Ah, this lovely piece was drawn during a particularly vexing meeting at work. Fun fact, there's another version of this line art that's less about Merlin's stress and more about mine.

K is for Knights of Camelot

Continuing the theme of doodling through bad news and shit meetings. Like I said above, normally meeting doodles aren't complex because I'm concentrating on something else. This one was more involved because I didn't want to concentrate on the meeting. I have a few issues with this from a technical standpoint (perspective, my nemesis) but it's still one of my favorites. Tried some funky coloring technique, didn't hate it.

V is for Vibrant Colors

And here is where we said fuck the rules and started going out of alphabetical order! This one was really fun to do and I loved kicking off Albion Party with this as my first submission. The colors were a challenge (as I hoped they would be) and this is the first time I had to do some color tweaking midway though and after finishing the coloring process. Vibrant Arthur, my beloved. This started as a multitask doodle but took dedicated time to finish.

O is for Old Religion

The concept for this one was buzzing in my head for a bit before a quote-prompt solidified it. I adore the thought of more visible, tangible representations of Merlin as the son of the elements, of "magic itself" -- not just sun-gold eyes, but sea-water hair and sandstone-skin. A complement to the vibrant Arthur portrait.

S is for Sorcerers

When I said I wanted to challenge myself, I wasn't kidding. Ho boy, this was fun but frustrating. I wanted to completely illustrate a gif. So I did. Will I do something like this again? Maybe. A while from now.

M is for Morgause

See above -- same illustrated gif style so at least I was able to reuse some drawings. Poor Morgause ended up looking a little wretched here because I was mentally done with this when I was drawing her. Love the concept of tarot cards + Merlin but others are doing it so I won't continue this series.

Z is for Zzzz

This one was specifically done to test out some custom brushes I made in Krita to make abstract background drawing easier for me. I think they turned out well! Plus who doesn't love bb iridescent Aithusa.

L is for Leon, P is for Percival

Quick, minimal doodles of the boys! Mentally, I was going for a Brady's-style retro ensemble cast TV show credits feel. Not mad at it! Some boys look closer to their actors than others (I think my brain broke drawing Percy, my apologies to Tom Hopper).

T is for Tristan

It wasn't until after I posted this that I realized there was more than one Tristan in Merlin. Could have drawn Isolde's bf but I drew Ygraine's dumb jock undead brother instead. Had some fun with dark greys and blacks here regardless.

Q is for Queen Annis

Best royal in Albion, bar none. I tried a different coloring technique here and I kinda like it! may make it my go-to but we'll see. Old habits are hard to break. Also: our queen deserved more badass clothes.

X is for Arthur X Merlin

Oh, be still my shipper heart. Doodled and colored during a meeting. I had hoped to spend more time on it outside of multitasking but alas, work is a bitch. This one is slated for a rework sometime in the future; I adore the concept too much to let it go without creating another version of this that isn't an utter mess.

U is for Uther's Ward

And here's my attempt at forgoing line art. Not fun, do not like.

Y is for Young Warlock

Channeled some pain into this one. Those are the dead eyes of someone who had been told that he'd succeeded when his friend died. That the destiny he'd been expecting to carry on his shoulders into old age was done and dusted before he turned 30. Grief plus the existential dread of the aimless immortal. Oof. One of my favs.

N is for Nimueh, R is for Rising Sun, W is for Will

And we end on this sorry offering. I was away from home for a while without my tablet and I just got tired of waiting. So, pen doodles at the airport. This was a challenge in its own right because 1. pen only and 2. I wasn't able to pull Netflix up for a reference on the fly. Which is why Will's face is obscured and Nimueh looks.... not like Nimueh lol.

In summary: this was a goddamn joy to do. I finished 26 letter prompts in approximately 21 weeks, which exceeded my own unspoken goal of filling one letter per week. I found a good, happy corner of the Merlin fandom after a years-long hiatus away from being a fandom creator. If you did make it this far with me, thanks for reading my inane comments and giving this little project even a moment of your time -- I'm so grateful.

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice: Unlimited Part 7 - Adonis Route

Honestly, I find the way Ichika joined Zero's side to be pretty iffy even back then in the original game, so I kinda hoped something like Kazuki dying would have changed here but I guess not.. I feel sorry for Kazuki that they reconciled but she still ended up joining Adonis alongside Akito, it must be a pretty big shock having to deal with that. (EDIT: guess he is gone..) Ichika being at the top and training people in marksmanship and stuff is very interesting lol. She looks all right with short hair but yeah, I agree with Zero, I liked the long hair more. Anyway, Zero wants her to find out if there's a traitor amongst them before the next X-Day (since the one 2 years ago failed) in 30 days. Anyway, it seems like you go through each of the Adonis' executors' stories so that's interesting. I'm just going to go from the ones I least like to the ones I like the most haha, and then leave Mikuni for last I guess. Well, Hana's story first then~

Kobayashi Hana

I guess Hana is as bright as ever. I quite enjoy seeing her try and dress Ichika up and make her cuter lol. On the other hand, seeing her mercilessly cut through that panda cake was pretty hilarious. One thing I enjoyed insight into was hearing that Hana has been avoiding going to Isshiki's concerts to avoid causing any trouble to them with the police just in case they come to crash it because of her or something. Honestly, I was pretty impressed. Like, she's always been pretty selfish, and she's always prioritised her love for Isshiki above everything, but to see that she could stop herself to protect him was nice in its own way. Even though she's a pretty ruthless killer, and even though she's obsessed with Isshiki, I guess she does think things through a bit so that Isshiki won't ever have to suffer because of her. Hmm Ichika seemed to reminisce about Kazuki, does that mean he died? Anyway, these investigations are short? Are they really just segments of story for Ichika to become friends with each person? Lol. I mean, Ichika literally did nothing but talk about random stuff with Hana lol. I actually find it rather endearing that Hana and Ichika can fight so openly about their feelings and understand that they actually do want the best for each other, it's kinda nice how they became good friends under such circumstances.

Soda Manabu

Honestly, I kinda wish we could just pick one character and continue until the investigation completes because it's sooo annoying having to press on each one like 7 times just to get a couple of lines of story each time Zzz. Anyway, gotta admit Ichika is pretty judgmental towards Soda, and actively tries to "fix" him and thinks what he does is "wrong", which is pretty annoying tbh. Just because she doesn't understand games, she thinks it's useless to Adonis, and then judges him for his eating habits? Lol. Anyway, at least she tried playing his game though lol, and even got lessons from him haha. I see, I can understand why Ichika would go to Zero for "revenge" but not sure about the "sadness" thing if that's what she's going for tbh. Losing Yanagi, Enomoto, Shiraishi, Okazaki and Kazuki is a big hit and I can understand it shattering her world, but going to Adonis is basically breeding everything that killed everyone important to her. Anyway, Sasazuka's pained voice telling Ichika not to go to Adonis really hurt. I'm sure he's really hurting over the fact he didn't notice the weapons that ended up killing everyone, alongside survivor's guilt of being the only one who survived out of the group, and then now not even being able to stop Ichika from going over to the other side.. It's painful to see. Anyway, lmao, Soda is probably a tamer little brother than Kazuki. His words are harsh but you can tell he only talks like that to protect himself, so any time he swears, I don't bother taking him seriously, he's a hurt little kid. It's cute how Ichika mixed his hated eggplants into the gratin and he didn't even notice, but he ate the whole thing happily🤣 He's so adorable lmao, especially when his face went red and he told her he'd eat her stuff again (even though she shouldn't hear it), and then he ran off🤣

It seems like Soda regrets his actions much more than I initially thought. He was able to get revenge, but now he's even more scared of death because of what he had done, and now he's just in this never-ending cycle of fear, needing to have Zero's power to protect himself, doing his bidding so that he won't die, but at the same time being so scared of his life that the only time he probably feels "safe" is when he plays his games. I love how happy he was when Ichika gave him a SS tier rare item and he put it on, locked it and kept it in a special box🤣 That's so cuteee. Definitely enjoyed Soda's mini part more than I thought hahaha, he's such a cute little kid, which makes it kinda sad lol. Soda blowing up and getting mad at Ichika for playing solo and saying she didn't need connections when she made him realise he wanted to start building connections because of her was really...heartwarming. Soda gave up on people and a lot of things thinking that he could never have them because that's how it was considering how people are, but he changed his mind after Ichika so insistently barged into his life, and now to say that it's practically useless would be extremely hurtful to him. I was really impressed with Soda, and I'm happy that he even told Ichika that she can rely on him more, he's such a sweet boy🥲

Uno Suzune

Lmaooo poor Shion, the woes of a big brother. I found it hilarious how Suzune would give him the green peas she doesn't like even though Shion hates them too, definitely something siblings would do🥲 I superrrr agree with Suzune about handwriting diaries instead of writing a blog! I mean, I have both obviously, but I definitely have different feelings when I read my blog and when I read my writing in my diary. Through my blog, I can easily read my exact thoughts and get to the gist of what I'm talking about, but with my diary, I can see stuff like when I started getting tired of writing, when I felt like changing my pen, and a lot of other feelings that can't be seen or portrayed properly in a typed blog, and yes, the memories of me writing all this usually comes back better when I've written it, mainly because I either say it in the entry or because I can actually remember sitting there and putting time into writing about my life/day.

Guess Suzune's pretty yandere for her brother if any kind of possible romantic interest from Ichika gets her other self to come out and threaten her about it lol. Anyway, it's cute how she’s starting to kinda think of Ichika as a big sister. Suzune willingly taking Ichika to Shion and calling Ichika Chi-chan is probably the biggest improvement you can get considering she could stab you as the worst case hahha. Well, Suzune was definitely cuter than I thought and seeing her so vulnerable, shy but wanting to protect Shion and getting out of her shell for him was sweet. Are there endings for each executor? Well, anyway, Suzune saying she would be sad if anything happened to Ichika was really sweet.

Sugawara Rika

Lmao, I forgot Sugawara is obsessed with Zero, this is going to be fun I guess. It's kinda funny that getting a 50,000 yen strawberry entices her lol, I'm surprised Zero approved it as an expense, like dang, can I have one too, I'm curious lol. Lmao when Sugawara wanted to keep the strawberries as a memento instead of eating it😂 She should have been convinced when Ichika said it'll become a part of her hahahah. LOL when Sugawara started lecturing Ichika about dressing better in front of Zero, and then tried to get her makeup to make her look better, but then Ichika runs away😂

Okay, I loved the girls dress up night with Hana, Ichika and Sugawara. It was so funny how they started arguing about what Ichika should wear and then became fast enough friends to recommend each other stuff and then wear it for fun. I loveee that they had a CG for their new outfits because they're all so pretty, I love them! I think Hana's is my favourite because it's so simple but cute in a different way from her usual. I guess it's kinda cute how in Hana's investigation, Hana focuses on Ichika's clothing fashion, but Sugawara takes it further or I guess mainly focuses on skincare, makeup and haircare haha. I guess it's nice that Sugawara is definitely much more open about standing up for herself and other women when it comes to men who try to objectify them or think of them as "lesser". She's become stronger. I think it's kinda sad to see that amongst all the other happy mini endings with the other executors, Rika's one with Ichika is actually pretty sad because it was through them bonding that Rika noticed Ichika's true intentions of revenge, and that's why they can never truly see eye-to-eye and be friends.

Ogata Tomoki

I guess I didn't expect Ogata to be the type to go to batting cages, but I even more didn't expect him to reserve sweets to make sure he can get them hahaha! It's nice that he enjoys wagashi though, I definitely should have tried it when I went to Japan, but I completely forgot😭 Aww, Ogata had such a sweet daughter! Whenever his wife wasn't looking, she would eat his hated tomatoes for him! Such a kind kid😭 I've never heard of monaka before, so I googled it and they look nice!! Kinda like an ice cream sandwich but not with ice cream and has red bean paste and other stuff inside I guess? I would totally eat it. Lmaoo at Ichika's impression of the typical salaryman😂😂 It's true though, I can't imagine Ogata going home to watch comedy shows with a beer in his hand🤣 Aww it was so cute how Ogata did an impersonation of a character in a drama because he got so used to doing it for his daughter. But lmao at Ichika though, telling him what he can improve on since Adonis might have end of the year parties he could use it for, imagine a bunch of terrorists partying for something so normal like the end of the year hahah😂😂

It's actually really sad how Ogata feels like he can't be a father anymore because he knows that he prioritises his current ideals and dreams more than his daughter. And I guess considering how long they've been separated and how much he has changed, it would probably feel awkward to try and be a normal father, but I guess at least through Ichika's encouragement, he's willing to try and reply to his daughter's letter of wanting to meet him. I think the reason why I've always liked Ogata is because he doesn't regret his actions. Like, he knows that he's killed people and that's why he doesn't want to see his family and get them involved with what he's doing right now, because he knows the gravity of his actions. But at the same time, his hatred for Fujii, the police and the whole mistaken arrest that led to such injustice for him and changed his whole perspective on life is something he can't let go of, and that's why it led him to Adonis and to fulfill his "new" ideals. He knows it's a path that will not necessarily have a "good ending" but he's willing to sacrifice everything for it, and I think that's what makes me attracted to his character. Anyway, LMAO at how insistent Ichika was on seeing young Ogata with a buzzcut playing baseball, absolutely hilarious when she was ready to tie him up with a rope and search his room😂😂 It's pretty sad to see that Ogata wanted to be like Isshiki and save people with his justice without faltering in this cruel world but he just wasn't able to do it because hatred was what fuelled him to move forward and not forgiveness or hope. But I'm glad he encouraged Ichika to listen to Isshiki's song and hear Kazuki's guitar, because seeing Ichika show her emotions again, even if just a little bit was nice...

Uno Shion

Aww, it's cute how much Shion cares about Suzune, but also so cute how he's embarrassed to say he likes chocolate🤣 It's nice that he's more cooperative than Suzune I guess hahaha. I never expected Shion to like to paint though, that's interesting. Anyway, it's pretty sad to think that the "outside world" was much more unforgiving to the Uno siblings, and that it was only after they joined this terrorist organisation did they get to feel safe and secure that they have shelter and food without people going crazy on them. In that sense, it's understandable how much more comfortable Adonis would be for them. Aww Shion and Suzune getting excited over a chocolate cake is so adorable. Them saving up to buy a home for themselves is so heartwarming, it makes me really want to cheer for them. I'm dying from how cute they are trying to feed Ichika the chocolate cake too because they really like her and think she's really kind like their mother was before. Shion buying a cheese tart for both Ichika and Suzune was sweet, she's like a part of his thought process when buying stuff for his sister hahaha. Lol when he just shoved it into her mouth instead of giving it to her like a normal person🤣 Lmaoo when Shion drew a portrait of Ichika stuffing herself with cheese tart🤣 To think that Shion was so serious about drawing that he's actually thinking about a future with it after the X-Day stuff..it’s so endearing.

Sera Akito

It must be difficult for both Akito and Ichika to talk to each other. Just seeing each other's faces would make them remember the past and compare it to the present, making their whole encounter just...painful to watch. It's so like Akito to hide that he dislikes shiitake mushrooms so that it wouldn't inconvenience Ichika and make her remove it from the cooking menu. Lmaooo at Akito being so scared of bugs, enough that Ichika has to call cockroaches dark fairies to make him feel more at ease🤣 I'm sure Akito must be hurting too, but his consideration for Ichika above himself really makes my heart feel so warm. Awww, my heart swooned when Akito said his ideal type was Ichika! If only there was an Akito route~ Anyway, I didn't expect Akito and Soda to really interact but lmaoo at Soda having spent millions of yen on in-game stuff, Soda is right though, gacha rates are cruel😭😭 Aww, it was so cute how honest Soda was about wanting to have defeated the boss with Akito instead of dumping him and killing it himself, since what Soda values is playing together with other people. So, Kazuki was stabbed by a guy who was influenced by Adonis into taking revenge against his bullies or something, and I guess Kazuki was killed when he tried to step in? Honestly, I feel terrible for Akito. He was already feeling doubts and guilt over getting revenge for his sister, but after experiencing Kazuki's death, he must hate his choice for joining Adonis even more than before. It honestly broke my heart to see Akito break down like that not knowing how he could atone for his sins in causing Kazuki's death. His heartwrenching screams really cut me and made me tear up from all the pain Akito must have been bottling up all this time. Akito will always be my favourite side character, I think his pain, his feelings and his emotions were portrayed so well.

Sanjo Keisuke

Aww, Sanjo's favourite food being ramen is very him, kinda hahaha. I can't imagine a 7kg bowl of ramen and having to finish that in 30 minutes😱 On the other hand, Sanjo being into arcades is kinda unexpected, lmaooo at Ichika thinking he would play the crane games😂 I didn't think about the fact that Ichika is a former cop just like him now, I wonder how he feels about that or whether he even cares😅 Lmao at Sanjo seriously answering Ichika what his type of woman is and then even describing the body shape with sound effects😂 I can't believe Ichika just tickled Sanjo and made him laugh like crazy, I would have liked to see that😆😆 I think it would have been so nice if Ogata was Sanjo's boss, I feel like their values and ideals of justice back in the day would have matched well since Sanjo probably desired something "pure" back in the day and hoped to be a part of an organisation that helped people, and Ogata was always helping people already, so they would have worked well together. It's just sad that they both got betrayed by their ideals of what the police should have been to them and others.

 The idea that you can't feel any fear because you don't value your life is a pretty interesting and saddening thought. Maybe because I get that feeling sometimes. I agree with Sanjo, Zero definitely doesn't truly care about those ideals of saving the weak that he keeps spouting, he's not like Mikuni, and that's also imo the reason why Zero believes that he and Mikuni will never truly understand each other. Ichika and Sanjo eating ramen together is so cute lol.

Mikuni Rei

Lmao at Zero calling Mikuni an old man for liking fish, disliking carbonated drinks and other junk food because they're not nutritional hahaha. Otherwise, nothing much to say tbh, Mikuni has always been a rather bland character to me? I like him, but at the same time I don't because even though it's interesting to see that he actually has "noble" goals compared to Zero, the fact is that Mikuni as he himself said has been told that he's a "saviour" of sorts, and I think that really exemplifies the type of person Mikuni is. Someone who believes that he can and wants to "save" people in his own way as if he is someone above them all, but at the same time, he is very apparently flawed exactly because he is like that. He's not someone who truly understands the people "below" him and he also doesn't seem to perceive that as something that can be helped, and that's why even though his goals are "noble", he's not really noble at all. But it doesn't really change the fact that Mikuni is kind in his own way though. Mikuni eating shrimp crackers is so cute😂

Saeki Yuzuru

To be honest, I've always liked the chill policeman Saeki, and I personally think Zero likes that version of himself too. I feel like he always enjoyed just talking about stuff with Ichika during their drinking charades, and had fun visiting her. But at the same time, I feel like because of the existence of Adonis and Mikuni, Zero never really allowed his negative emotions to be "accepted" in order for him to move on, so instead it just continued piling up inside to the point of indifference towards the world and others imo. Anyway, it's sad, seeing Zero and Mikuni happily play chess together. They really look like two brothers just having fun in their own way. Hearing them say that they've been doing this since they were kids makes it all the more saddening when they realised that despite how "close" they were to each other, they never really understood each other. In a sense, I feel like in the end, both Mikuni and Zero use Adonis as a way to get the things they want and feel like it's one of the only ways they can do it? I mean, I do feel like Mikuni treasures his relationship with Zero more than Adonis or anything else, because when it comes down to it, I feel like he tries really hard to understand Zero by trying to see things from his perspective and hanging out with Ichika, the one that Zero thinks understands him best and the one Zero likes the most. On the other hand, Zero seems to use Adonis as a way for revenge of his mother and as a way to vent those emotions and scars he got, but at the same time Adonis also granted him Mikuni (a brother), and it gave him opportunities and power.

Zero definitely loves Ichika in an obsessed way, probably the only way he thinks he can love someone, since he doesn't want to become "weak" like his mother was. So if he felt anything like love, he would prefer it to be a love that would destroy him, because in a sense I think I can understand that sentiment of wanting the person you love to solely focus on yourself and no one else, whether that is hatred or whatever emotion doesn't matter, because being the entire focus of someone else's is a sort of "love" to enjoy, so I don't blame Zero for his twisted "love" lol. Especially since you can tell how much he has always enjoyed his after work beers and just chatting with Ichika. I quite enjoyed their little date walking around reminiscing the past and discovering new things they missed out on, now I really want to eat crepes🥲 The ending where Ichika kills Saeki is pretty sad though. Seeing Saeki the most relieved and happy he has ever been is probably what made me kinda happy for him though. He still sucks, but like Ichika said, I can't hate him, because it was true that he did reduce the sadness of many (whilst creating sadness for many others too though) and at the core, he was like in a sense a guy who consumed so much sadness from everywhere around him, always in pain, always sad despite his appearance, and thinking that makes it difficult for me to truly hate him.

Overall, I like the Adonis route! Initially, I was a bit sceptical whether it was really necessary and whether it would be interesting at all but I really loved bonding with all the executors. Seeing more of the human and emotional sides, seeing them warm up to Ichika and become friends with her really made me enjoy the "what could never be" part of it all. I think I especially loved Akito's because of how emotional it was tying into Kazuki and everything. But I also really enjoyed seeing the different sides of all of them. It really makes me wish Ichika got an individual route with like Akito and Sanjo and Ogata because I loveee them🥲🥲

Overall Review

I definitely enjoyed CxM: Unlimited much more than I thought I would! In the beginning, Sasazuka and Okazaki's routes kinda made me wonder whether I really wanted to continue this, but I'm so glad I got through them because I enjoyed Enomoto's, Yanagi's and Shiraishi's routes a lot! If I ranked them, I probably liked Shiraishi's the most, then Yanagi, Enomoto, Okazaki and then Sasazuka. It's definitely what I wanted in a fandisk, which is more fluffy romance and just bonding with all the guys even more, and I absolutely loveeee the potential romances with Yoshinari and Minegishi, they were so unexpectedly nice. Definitely no plot but that's okay since it's a fandisc and I think it fulfilled really well what its goal was when it comes to more romance in the story haha. 8/10! I'm definitely going to miss the characters, I'm so attached to Enomoto and them lol.