#My dysphoria gets worse and worse.
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[vent warning in the tags. I'll be okay. I'm just feeling bad and need to scream into the void. Do not be worried about my physical well-being, that's not in danger.]
#My dysphoria gets worse and worse.#The longer i exist like this. The harder it will be to change#My body is settling. It feels like I'm hardened clay and I've lost my chance#The older i get the more I'll lose skin plasticity. I'm terrified to bind because what if I damage the tissue over time#(which makes the dysphoria even worse)#I've grown my hair out because I didn't want to stuck in gender roles#And I thought (in all my naivity)#“oh I'll be off the waiting list soon! I'll be able to be handsome!”#But the list keeps growing and growing and growing and GROWING#2 years. 2.5. 3.#I have another year to go they say. But I trust it for shit.#It'll be 4 if I'm lucky I just feel it in my bones#I'll be 26 when I have my intake. Whenever i realize I'll be 30 before I will see any true results it makes me want to scream#I want to scream so often!!#With terror and anger!!#I don't like existing in this way!!!!! I'm not me!!!!#Ive managed to bottle it up out of fear. And then I managed by keeping my eyes on the horizon#“soon I'll be where I'm supposed to be. Soon I'll finally feel like things are right.”#But the horizon keeps moving as I go forward#And I'm so lonely#And I'm so tired#And fuck i just want to feel like I AM a man. Not that I would like to be.#I know people are just fucking indulding me. I'm not delusional I know what I look like#If I cut my hair again these feelings will win#But what other avenues are left to me?#I'm 1.52. 4'11 in American#What the FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK am I meant to do???!!!!?!#I live literally next to the hospital. Why can't they HELP ME.#I have existed like this for so long and I can't fucking do this for two more years!!!!!!! Fuck!!!#I will wait until summer. 8 more months and it will be 3 years on that cursed fucking waiting list
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hghhhhh... sometimes being transmasc is so alienating. i see all those posts about forcefemming the entire planet or how the world would be better if everyone was a girl and it kind of hurts. i get that people are just making jokes they find funny and im not mad at them or anything, but it kind of feels like they're telling transmascs and other non-women that it'd be cooler if they detransitioned. idk it might be a me problem but ive seen far too many people get mad at transmen for being men to not feel the sting anyway. i like being a man! there's just a lot of pressure out there to... not be one. and that sucks.
#transmasc#vent#im not calling it transandrophobia because i know people making those jokes arent directing it at transmascs im just venting my own thoughts#i have the forcefem keyword blocked but stuff still keeps getting through. makes my dysphoria worse.#yeah haha youre so right person saying the world would be better without men! i should kms!#because id rather die than detransition which it seems like you want me to do!#sigh. i wish i didnt feel like i was betraying women by not wanting to be one.
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(Realizes that the most common transman experiences perfectly align with my life and feelings about myself and fascinations and who I want to be with) Ohhhh Okay i am fucked
#I do really wish i could just snap my fingers and pilot a cisman's body around#Rather than go through the crucible of visibly transitioning. it seems like a waste to do it when the times are so awful.#I honestly still doubt myself so much but#I can only do so many years of Why are you perceiving me as a woman#Before the shit starts getting real#People really just dont take you fucking seriously. Like even at this point where im at now i still dont know if im quote unquote valid#Because maybe its just a feminist issue and the misogyny is rampant#But an emotional sensitive defensive anxious reactive woman is what i am seen as. Somehow.#When I have gone lengths to ensure that even those close to me do not see a hint of my unchained emotional reality. Just really beats it in#I am entirely logical when I describe my experiences to my family. Clinical and detatched and intentional. And they think i am to be coddle#All the fucking time. Exhausting. I don't want that. I want to come to mutual understanding. Not to beg for emotional attention.#Thats the only thing that ever visibly cracks me. Being horribly misunderstood and taken out of context. Logical self defense being denied.#And being full of estrogen just reinforces that shit. Im a frustration crier. If I had testosterone maybe it wouldnt prove people right.#When you bite back as a woman you are just a bitch.#My fear is that I will be an emotional transgender man that wants to be coddled. I am afraid it will be worse to be that.#I really do just want to be able to live and work and be taken seriously when I say what I mean and what my mind is like.#I want a chance at life. I feel like I'm seen as a hapless girl. Damaged and begging to be freed of all responsibility#No bitch I want to move out and actively build a life for myself and RAISE MYSELF! after years of being misunderstood and alone#And also i want to do homosexual war reenactments with another man or something i dont know i just wish it could be me#Maybe ill just donate blood and faint again#Anyway. Joker. Society. I am the joker#Who wanna reply and tell me if im a valid transman or not. I get chest dysphoria when i have proper posture.#I get ass and hip dysphoria.#Low key having a bangin body as a woman though confuses me still bc maybe i just like being hot more than i gaf about transitioning#It reeeeeally helps that my face has an impeccable T zone. Its kind of masc as hell.
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pulling a jschlatt and getting fat so people stop calling me a twink
#not fat but you know what i mean#actually so sick of it the next person that calls me a twink is getting a knife to the eye#1 its incorect 2 it makes my dysphoria go off the charts!! literally kill yourself for making me feel like shit with your dumb ass joke#twink is worse than any slur to me
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YOU
is a cool dude :D
Me!!?
#thanks Wakey 🥺💖#been going through a bit of a funk for a while#it’s sorta just been getting worse lately:(#which makes the fact that I gotta get through a new term of classes even more difficult 😭#i haven’t really been active on tumblr lately either#hopefully I’ll be able to come back eventually#I think I’m just at a weird crossroads with my life right now#it’s hard to figure out what to do#plus dysphoria has been throwing some tough punches lately#I want nothing more than to get top surgery at last#it’s been 8 years since I first started wanting top surgery and I still have not been able to get it#and I have absolutely no idea how to navigate the medical field either#it’s all so overwhelming along with school too…#but idk.. i guess life goes on#I have no idea how I’ll keep going on…#but I just gotta keep trying ig#I wish everyone well- and I am so sorry for accidentally putting this all in tags#I swear it was not intentional- I just kinda started talking more than i expected to#and then it was too late to go back..
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Personal 👇
So I haven't had shark week in more than a month. My skin is going crazy, I assume because of hormones. My lower back pain has increased exponentially. Could this be it chat? Could I finally have developed *something* that could potentially get my uterus removed / cauterized? Will 2025 be my year?!?!
#i know i should look for an appointment asap but......... to be honest........#i kinda wanna let it be for a while so it gets worse. And they have no choice but to yank this thing out of me.#... can you tell it causes me immense dysphoria#Luke rants#see if the option to burn off your endometrium was a voluntary option like. you know. bone shaving for esthetic purposes#i wouldn't be in this predicament. Granted it's a Very Good predicament since it might finally let me get this thing off#without having to spend hundreds of dollars in sessions for a diagnosis#the fact that i fantasize about stabbing the hell out of my abdomen ONLY when it's shark week is proof enough i think#but noooo 'oh it's just the hormones and the pain making you think like that' AND WHAT IF THEY ARE I WANT IT TO STOP#IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT#anyway. uh if you actually read these tags. whoever you are. omg hii have a great day <3
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based on the broken doll face art trend!! I've been wanting to draw it for a while but didn't have any clue on who to draw it in but since a few weeks ago I've been very dysphoric and was down abt my appearance, I decided to cope by drawing shizuha going through it too TT
I think it's obv how personal shizuha being transmasc is to me, but I think this drawing showcase it the most. Depicting both my happiness when it comes to being transmasc and also how dysphoria feels through shizuha is very important to me <3
#art#assassination classroom#ansatsu kyoushitsu#oc stuff#fanart#assassination classroom oc#everyone else experiences dysphoria differently but personally mine feels like this TT#I'd get very upset and hate looking at the mirror#it's even worse if my hair was getting longer bcs then I feel too girly👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼
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sick of this bullshit.
#i can feel my dysphoria getting worse#about to start throwing hands#bashing my head against the wall#male y/n#x male reader
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am i going to be okay
#i. don't know.#things get worse every day#the next 4 years were always going to be crucial for me#going into them with the constant threat of parents AND the government is. terrifying#i don't have a tangible support system. i'm all alone.#i'm scared i won't be able to escape. and that i'll be trapped like this forever.#pigeon coos#delete later#just getting away from these people is going to be difficult enough as it is#but with the way things are going it looks like i won't be able to start hrt or get my name changed safely or any of that#not for the next 4 years. maybe not for a long while after.#my sanity and life entirely depend on being able to transition in college#ive been stretched thin pretending to be a cis girl for all this time#the prospect of having to keep up this facade pains me#so much#the dysphoria physically hurts
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Great. Get a text three hours before my appointment that the doctor is sick and it's cancelled and they don't know when my rescheduled appointment is gonna be now but probably not for a month. Also got to find out from the pharmacist that the doctor forgot to order my estradiol refill. Looks like we're doing this shit again.
#I'm so tired of having my hormone levels get tossed around by shit like this it makes my migraines so bad#I've already been sick so much this year#at this point hrt just feels like a chore like my dysphoria isn't any better#and I still get misgendered the same amount three and a half years on hrt that I did before starting#but it still makes things so much worse when I'm not on it it hurts so bad#the pharmacy says they're trying to get in touch with the doctor for me but I'm not holding my breath
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had to call out of work today again for the fifth day now bc of what I think is a bronchial infection that also triggered the asthma that I always forget I have to the point where my cough kept me up all night last night wheezing and sometimes physically unable to breathe and on the verge of passing out so that's funnnn
#it's been literally over a week of this cough and i just now realized it's also my asthma#and i can't get in to a doctor's office today so i'm just gonna suffer ig#and lost an entire week of pay the week before i'm visiting my family for christmas for another week#oh and i also realized my depression is actually like. way worse than i thought :)#so is my gender dysphoria#win rambles#sorry for the vent but god everything just really sucks right now and i'm afraid we won't be able to make rent#i would just love to be able to like. breathe properly tbh
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yeah
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Checked my old med records re: transition dates bc today's Pl/Pa appt is probably going to be a fucking doozy where I anticipate being quizzed on my transition thus far and future goals for it
And double checked the year to find out A. my memory is shit and I was off a year but also B:
Next year will be my 5 year anniversary on T!!
#text post#getting ready ahead of time for the appt rn and am just a bit stoned to make sure the anxiety doesn't annihilate me lmao#I'm so glad Housemate is coming with to help me out as needed during the appt#like. if they drop me as a patient after this at least I'll have a witness to how they've been acting/the results of it#bc I've never once been believed at the start abt issues I have w/medical providers#only after it's gotten worse#and I'll have someone to help me navigate both hitting the grocery store after the appt w/out breaking down & also in plans#to call the new office and explain what happened (if it does tho i'm hoping they'll just wait it out w/me until Oct for my new clinic appt)#and hope they can help keep me on T and my lamotrigine until my first visit w/them (tho I'm already on their waitlist too)#I still have so much admiration for PlPa but my god. this has been a fucking nightmare in the end for me#and has heightened parts of my dysphoria and made me more anxious and frustrated at being misgendered#which still happens unfortunately often but like. no one is gonna apologise so I just roll with it#and I really didn't need that on top of adjusting to a move across the country#but it's whatever bc i'll get thru this appt see the new doc eventually and things will be more stable w/my care#and in the meantime I can think abt anniversary celebration ideas for next year
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Transgender all fun and games until the despair hit you
#yapping#one of those nights of feeling like I’ll never feel comfortable in my body#yk how it is#(I say to the void)#:/#it’s almost worse now that I’m looking my dysphoria in the face#rather than putting it down to hating my size alone#because I can lose weight sure#but I can’t get a new pelvis#not on English degree money anyway#hopeless bleak despair (or whatever they might be giants said)
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... I may need to lay off the binding/high compression for a bit. my chest is not happy.
#I hate that my dysphoria has gotten so much worse since we made the hrt call. like I gave myself permission to acknowledge it in full#and now it's more There than ever.#it's harder with luca back too. he's always been a heavily dysphoric part as well so I think his return to hosting#coinciding with a) unavoidable interaction with the public in a world that views me as a woman because of my hair and voice and chest#and b) accidentally coming out to our friends at school who have been really good about it#I think it's kind of just... been a powderkeg for it getting bad again#I almost cried a week or two ago in walmart because I was looking for boyshort underwear (easiest middle ground in here) and there was not#a single pack that did not have at least one aggressively pink or feminine pair#I'm tired of this and I'm tired of living in a body that is hostile to my attempts to feel somewhat at home in it#I'm tired of this body in general for so many reasons.#anyways. ow.
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if i've been very ausent the whole day. uhm. i had a day.
#vent in tags#really not much i just haven't been feeling it#things happened in my friend group from class that i dont even have anything to do with the problem but yet#i dont like choosing a side even if i know one side is wrong#together with just my body not having energy maybe from not eating well but i didn't had energy to cook so i only did instan chickem noodle#but my body didn't get well feed from that so i dont have energy#right now i had an egg some beans and half avocado and some grapes as a late night snack#but still im not feeling it. worse with dysphoria hitting hard after dinner.#idk hate to be in the wrong body yadayada you know the drill#im just gonna. scroll. see what has been posted today. then watch a video or two. and then read or write im yet to decide.#good day fellas the best of the week /s#lay rants
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