#I almost cried a week or two ago in walmart because I was looking for boyshort underwear (easiest middle ground in here) and there was not

[hewhobreathesfire]

... I may need to lay off the binding/high compression for a bit. my chest is not happy.

[hotforharrison]

My ex-husband visited last night to have some time together as friends, and we spent a couple hours watching a show about sunken ships on Disney+ and had dinner together.

It was nice.

I admitted to him how much I missed him and that I genuinely appreciated him seeing me, even if it was on different terms than we used to have.

He cuddled me on the sofa for a while, and he let me cry all the tears seeing him again brought out of me.

We talked about very hard things for me to talk about, while I cried more than I thought I would, and we're going to go to the courthouse to file the paperwork to legally start the divorce this coming week.

He had some overtime this last paycheck, so it won't be a problem to pay for the (stupidly expensive) court costs.

We've been separated for almost two months now. He's moved out, and nothing else will change because of some paperwork, but it's somehow different dissolving our bond legally.

When I was finishing up cleaning his former room to turn it into my own space, completely devoid of his things, I found the ring he wore when we got married, the temporary one I got for less than $20 at Walmart in 2010. I didn't know he kept it for all these years.

It fucking broke me for some reason, and I cried for so long at the discovery.

Even if it wasn't stupidly hot, I can't be in the master bedroom. It feels so wrong. There's no more "us," and the decor is different, but it still feels like "our" room. We shared it for over a decade.

Maybe that feeling will fade with time.

Right now, I can't bring myself to remove his stuff from the vanity or the shower, even though I know he's not coming back.

I'm not in denial. It's just hard to accept it, that this chapter of my life is ending, and I'm so fucking terrified. I've never been more hurt or scared in my life.

I've been spending most of my time in his former room that has the window AC unit, which I'm working on make into something that's as mine as possible with very, very minimal spending -- just using as much stuff that I already have as possible.

I might have to hit up a Goodwill or two to see if I can find some wall decor on the cheap. It's looking like I'm coming up short in that department, and it's so important to me to make the single room I'm spending extended periods of time in as homey and mine as possible.

I'm not painting it, at least not any time soon, because I'll be (hopefully) starting to work soon. The room will stay deep space blue for the time being.

It's not the worst color ever, just not very me.

But I'm not the same me I was before I met him all those years ago.

He's always going to be a part of me.

You don't spend 17 years with someone without that person becoming a permanent piece of you.

Maybe the blue is kind of like that -- that piece of him that stays with me while I'm starting down my own path without him by my side.

Anyway, in addition to trying to carve out my own space in his former room, which is a work in progress, I've been working on getting the kitchen cabinet trim ready to be painted before I paint the walls and the cabinets themselves.

There are four layers of paint on those cabinets. It's taking multiple applications of paint stripper to get it off so I can properly paint the trim, which is my first task.

I want to get the trim done and the new liners put in so I can put what I'm keeping into the cabinets again instead of being a huge mess in my former room. The mess is bothering me, just knowing it's there.

My goal is to get the kitchen completely done before July 18 -- the date of my next meeting with the vocational rehabilitation case manager so I can get a job. He called it the "planning" meeting, since I was accepted into the program.

I'm supposed to send him a résumé, and I'm like "...I haven't worked since early 2008, and my work experience was stocking shelves at Walmart."

My college education in IT is irrelevant because technology has changed so much since 2006 when I graduated.

I'll send him one, though.

Maybe there's some form or something I can plug my information into without putting in a ton of effort for the absolutely pointless résumé.

[unmaskedagain]

Grimm Cleaners: No Questions Asked

I wrote this short story a while ago. I really hope you like it. I took example from my own experience.

The first murder happened on a Monday because of course it fucking would. A new body was found, every day, after that, for two weeks and Todd was sick of it. He didn't know if it was a serial killer, devil worshipers, or fucking Dracula but it was interfering with his social life.

"I don't need this shit! It's my day off." Todd said as he furiously wiped down the blood-splattered table. "Who fucking murders someone in a coffee shop?"

"Quit bitching; you're getting overtime," Sierra said as she mopped the floor. The once white mop-head was already stained pink. And she hadn't even mopped off a quarter of the blood on the floor. "You worked at Walmart for five years. You've seen worse. You've cleaned up worse." Sierra was thin, with big brown eyes and caramel skin. She was fresh out of college and had a look on her face that screamed she was done with the world.

                     The coffee shop was a trendy place called The Coffee Roosters. Vinyl records and 90s cartoon characters decorated the wall. It had a real mom and pop feel and would've passed for one if not for the unicorn cappuccinos, and every drink being written in French. However, that night, it looked like a scene straight out of a horror movie. Blood and body parts covered everything. There were symbols painted on the walls, Todd was pretty sure, opened a portal to hell.

                     They had gotten the call just after midnight. The boss wanted all-hands-on-deck. Nevertheless, somehow, all-hands-on-deck meant Todd, Sierra, and the new kid. It was because it was October, Halloween; their busiest time of the year. Everyone worked odd hours. No one else could come in.

"Yeah, and I also got PTSD," Todd retorted. "I can't even watch The Walking Dead without thinking of Black Friday." He rung out his sponge. Todd was grumpy, nearing thirty, a grad student with an arm tattoo of the Deathly Hallows. "All I'm saying is that after seven years of customer service, and 'I wanna speak to the manager,' He mimicked in a high voice "The only murder I should have to clean up in a place where you're forced to smile and say 'how can I help you', is the one that'll happen when I finally snap. Anything else is just rude."

                          Sierra paused, looked around, and brushed back a dyed strand of neon-blue hair. "Yeah, whoever did this didn't work in Customer Service. Only assholes would fuck with someone else's job. This is still better than working the counter at freaking Sephora. Or Best Buy! You know a two-year-old once pissed on the floor, right in front of me, and the Mom was just standing there looking at tablets. Like what the hell?"

"Ah Dude," Christian whined as he ran into the room. He was a tall, lanky, baby-faced, college sophomore with shaggy blond hair and, unlike the other two, still a hopeful outlook on life. "I think I just found some dude's spleen." And sure enough, in his hands were some poor guy's lumbar vertebra. It was gooey with pieces of flesh and muscle still attached to it.

                        There were a few moments of silence. Then Todd just shrugged, "Whatever. Still better than working retail." And went back to work. They didn't have time to waste. The coffee shop opened at sunrise. If this wasn't done, they'd be fired.

                          Sierra murmured her agreement. "At this job, I never have to hear 'Oh it's such a nice day. So sunny and warm. There are rainbows and butterflies and ice cream raining from the sky.' Like I literally haven't been outside in five hours." She dunked the mop in the bucket. "And I don't get to leave this fucking sweatshop of nightmares until it's dark, but thanks for letting me know, Debra."

                          Todd looked up and saw Christian still standing with a grossed-out expression on his face. Then he remembered that the kid hadn't been training long. Christian hadn't gotten any real experience on the job yet, only taught how to do it. Still, the training wheels had to come off sometime. Todd sighed, "Man, just put it with the rest of the body parts. We gotta get out of here before the police get here."

                        Christian nodded and turned around to put the spleen in the other black bags on the counter. "This or Mcdonalds," They heard him tell himself. "I can't go back to ramen every night. I won't go back."

                       Sierra cooed, "Poor guy. Third week of training, and he already found his first body part." She snickered. "I remember mine. I cried for the rest of the night."

                      Todd grimaced, "He'll get used to it." He wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Wait until he realizes he's making enough money to move out of his dorm. He'll be fine with diving in a lake to get the head of a dismembered camp counselor."

                        Sierra nodded, "Yeah, once I realized that paying off my student loans depended on getting a hand out of a crocodile's stomach. I got that hand and a new belt." She bent down to pick up a stray eyeball. "Besides, these customers are the best I've worked with."

"I know, right?" Todd threw up his hands. It was the only part of the job that still remained bizarre to him. "You wouldn't think serial killers or monsters would be. But I'll be damned if they ain't the nicest, most polite people I've ever met. You remember that Hannibal Lector type of guy we worked with last week. Well, at the job, I ended up finding some chick's liver. So I put it in one of those black security boxes and sent it to his place. I figured: hey, maybe the cannibal would want it. Because, you know, 'fava bean and a nice chianti' and all that. The very next day, I get a thank you card."

                        Sierra laughed, "That's nothing! I helped out this Freddy Kruger- rip off, nightmare dude, last year. He was having a hard time tracking down the rest of the people who murdered him. Long story short, I introduce this guy to social media. They were all dead in like a week. I get the best customer review of my life. And I haven't had a bad dream since. How awesome is that?"

                          A scream came from the kitchen, followed up by Christian yelling, "Brain! There's a fucking brain in the freezer. Holy shit. Oh god, oh god." Then the sound of him throwing up.

                          Todd and Sierra shared a look that said 'Trainees, what can you do?'

                        Christian came back into the room, pale-faced, and his shirt covered in puke, "I'm fine," He said. "I just can't get used to this."

"Dude," Sierra said, with a raised eyebrow. "Yesterday, I cleaned up the birth of yet another Rosemary's baby. Demon daddy thanked me for a job well done and tipped me a solid gold brick. Eventually, you get used to everything... well, almost everything." A haunted, faraway look appeared on her face. "Do yourself a favor: never take a job in New Orleans, after New Year's. It's like a vampire free-for-all."

                       Todd nodded. He would never take another job in New Orleans again. Lesson learned. "Man, once you're done cleaning up back there, I need you to start cleaning the ceiling." He pointed up. There were a bunch of satanic symbols and black scorch marks. "Get everything. Boss will freak if a hell portal opened during business hours. Trust me, it won't be easy budgie jumping into the mouth of hell to pick up some poor chick who just wanted a pumpkin spice latte. The paperwork alone is a bitch."

                       It took them hours to get the coffee shop back into the pristine condition it was once in. Afterward, they went out the back, locked up, and got into their black truck. It had no nameplates or any identifiable markers.

"Todd?" Sierra asked from the shotgun seat. "Do you ever wonder who we work for? Who our boss is? Or how they found us?"

"No," Todd said as he pulled the truck out of the dark alley. "I just figured they put spotters in high traffic customer service areas. And whichever employee looks most like they've given up on humanity and one more 'there's no price tag on it, it must be free' joke away from burning down the store, they point at him and say that's our guy."

                   Sierra hooked the aux cord up to her phone, "I think that's the only still scary part. It's like they knew all they had to do was offer us a living wage, and basic human decency, and we'd be theirs. No questions asked."

                Music blasted through the car as the coworkers contemplated the truth of her words.

"Makes you wonder who the real monsters are," Christian said.

[demigodsanswer]

Clarisse and the Labyrinth

While she had been on a mission from Chiron to investigate the Labyrinth in Manhattan, she hadn’t been planning to actually enter the maze. She ended up stuck in the maze relatively unprepared. She had her backpack with her, which had nectar, ambrosia, and enough food and water to barely last her a week if she very carefully rationed it. But she knew she needed to get out. 

She figured the only way out was forward once she lost the exit into Manhattan. She was the first modern demigod they knew of to enter the maze, so she didn’t know what to expect.

She ended up trapped for what felt like 9 days. Each day, she cut a strip of fabric from her shirt and tied it to her necklace to keep track. On the 8th and 9th days, all she could do was take a sip of nectar every few hours to stay alive. 

She had already had an uncountable number of monster attacks. Three of them had nearly killed her; she only barely escaped. One of the more deadly one got a good swipe at her braid, pulling her by her hair until she was able to get a hold of her knife to cut her own hair off. She was weak, tried, starving, and dehydrated. She was pretty sure she was going to die in there. 

And then she finally, finally, by the grace of something, she found a way out. She found a delta insignia and the maze opened into an abandoned building. 

The first things she noticed was that it was hot and bright. 

She stepped out of the building on weak and weary legs, and almost cried when she saw where she was. 

She was in Phenix - she was maybe two blocks from where her mother was a dance teacher. She made her way, injured and thirsty, down the street until she got there. 

She must have looked awful, because the woman working the desk clearly didn’t want to let her in. But Clarisse said she was Madeline’s daughter and asked if she was working and the woman looked shocked. She said Madeline wasn’t in, but that she would call her to pick Clarisse up. 

While she waited, Clarisse drank so much water from the fountain she thought she might throw up. The woman working the desk offered her the first aid kit or an ambulance, but Clarisse refused. She would be okay once she was home. 

She hadn’t been home since she was ten. She would turn fifteen in March. She and her mom had talked in the meantime, but they were so different in every way except their stubbornness and temper than their relationship had always felt strained. They loved each other, but they didn’t particularly like each other.

But while she was in the maze, all she could think of was how she had never told her mom what she was doing. Her mom wouldn’t understand if she died. Her mom didn’t understand demigod things. 

When her mom showed up, Clarisse saw her through the dance studio’s glass doors, and she ran out to greet her. Her mom is sobbing as soon as she sees Clarisse. Her mom, she realizes, is looking at her like she’s just come back from the dead. 

She was. “I thought you were dead!” Her mom yells. She held her tighter, “Oh baby, what did they do to you?” 

“I’m not dead,” Clarisse assured her. 

 “Chiron called me two weeks ago and told me you were missing and that you were likely dead.” 

Clarisse was crying and holding her mother too, until she realized what she said. “Two weeks ago? No, I’ve been in there for 8, maybe 9 days?” 

 Clarisse’s mom shook her head and said, “No, when they called me, they said you had already been missing for a week.” 

“What day is it?” 

“November 21st.” 

Clarisse almost fell over, and not just from exhaustion and hunger. She had gone into the labyrinth on the 1st. She had to call Chiron. 

“Can we go home? I’ll explain everything there.” 

Clarisse isn’t sure how her mom drove home, she was crying so much. When they got to their home, Clarisse went right to her mom’s room, so to avoid her grandfather. Her grandfather was sick with dementia, and Madeline hadn’t told him that they thought Clarisse was dead - she didn’t want to until she decided to have a funeral. So she didn’t want him to see Clarisse torn up and injured. She told Clarisse to take a shower and put on her robe, she would go to Walmart and get her something to wear and eat. 

When her mom left she called Chiron, not bothering to shower first. 

Chiron looked like he might pass out when he saw her. 

When he asked what happened, Clarisse thought she might break down. Thinking of the things she fought, the number of times she almost died for the first time was a lot to handle. 

She’s always been someone to wear her emotions on her face if she didn’t consciously control them, so Chiron could tell she had been through something traumatic. He told her she didn’t have to tell them yet. 

The one thing she did tell him was that it was nearly unsurvivable. “I survived the sea of monsters and my father. If I barely lived, few others will too. If Luke is sending demigods in there, I don’t think we have much to worry about yet. Not unless they find a way to navigate it.”

Then she told him that she wouldn’t be going back in. “I can’t do that again. I won’t survive again.” 

He says he completely understands and that he will arrange for a flight to take her back to camp. 

“I’m not coming back. At least not right away. I’m staying in Phoenix. At least until the new year. I haven’t been home in four years,” then she started to cry despite her efforts. “All I could think of while I was in there, dying, was that I hadn’t seen my mother in years. I miss my mom. You should have seen how she looked at me. Like I was back from the dead. I can’t ... I can’t come back right now. I need to stay here. And heal. Not just physically.” 

Chiron nodded, understanding. He assured her that when she wanted to come back, they would arrange for it. “Sherman has been running your cabin. He refused to burn your shroud last week when it had been two weeks since we had last heard from you.” 

That made Clarisse smile. “He’s always been on my side. Tell him he’s in charge until I come back. Tell them I’m alive and okay. But tell them not to call me. I can’t ... not right now.” 

Chiron understood that too. “They’ll be happy to know that you’re okay.” 

Clarisse just sniffled and thanked him, She said that she would try and investigate the opening she had found and see if she could close it. Chiron thanked her for that, and then told her to get some rest, and call if she needed anything. 

Clarisse spends most of the time in the shower, scrubbing off grime. When her mom got home, she changed into pajamas and fell asleep on the couch until her mother woke up up to eat something. 

The two of them pretty much cried the entire day, with it coming in short bursts. Clarisse tells her mom that she wants to stay, and her mother cries and tells her to stay for as long as she wants. 

The first two weeks are great. They hardly fight (and when they do, it’s low stakes and just the result of their temperaments), and Clarisse likes getting to spend time with her grandfather.  

But in the third week, early in December, she’s investigating the opening to Labyrinth, and she finds Chris. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck me, fuck me, fuck, fuck, fuck.” she mutters to herself as she walks up to him. 

When she gets closer, she realizes that he doesn’t recognize her - in fact, he doesn’t seem to recognize anything. He’s insane, she realizes. 

She brings him home before he can be arrested and institutionalized. She calls Chiron, and realizes that the fates have decided that her vacation is over. It’s time to get back to work. 

It takes over two weeks for them to figure out how to get him back to camp. He couldn’t get on a plane, and a long car ride with a madman seems like a bad idea. A flying chariot isn’t ideal - he might panic and try and jump. 

For the two weeks Chris lives with them, Clarisse and her mom start to call their house “the asylum” because of her grandfather and Chris. Twice, Chris forgot how to speak English, and her grandfather heard him speaking Spanish and called 911 claiming there was an “illegal” in his home. Clarisse had to hide in her room with him, trying to keep him quiet. She learned that if he was watching Star Wars, he would pretty much be quiet for the duration of the film.

Finally, Beckendorf and Lee Fletcher designed a larger sized chariot, meant for four, with one section enclosed and comfortable for Chris to rest in. They decide that Will will travel with them to help keep Chris calm and maybe heal him. it would be Chris, Pollux, Will, and Clarisse on the chariot. 

"You should find a way to get a portable DVD player. He likes Star Wars,” she told them.

They manage to get him back with only mild struggle. When she gets back, she learns that Annabeth and Percy had a few hunters have gone on a quest. 

Chiron asks Chris if he remembers anything, if he remembers why he was in the Labyrinth. When Chiron hears him mention “string,” Luke’s plan becomes clear. Clarisse realizes they can’t be done with the Labyrinth. But she won’t go back in, she tells Chiron. She’s done. She’ll share what she knows, and help where she can. But she can’t - she won’t - go back in. 

Chris scares her, she admits to Will one day. They don’t know what specifically drove him mad, but it’s not hard for her to believe that it would happen. She had hardly had a good nights sleep since she got out - she had been plagued by nightmares and memories. The dark and tight spots had become triggers for anxiety. Someone accidentally turned the bathroom lights out when she was in the showers at camp and she had a full-blown panic attack. She worried she would go mad next. 

[m3gantr0n]

Garbage

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? That was my boss, so no.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? I don't have any exes.

3. Have you taken someones virginity? No.

4. Is trust a big issue for you? No. I'm picky about who I get close to, but I don't consider it an issue.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I only hang out with people I like. lmao

6. What are you excited for? Hanging out with friends next weekend, going to a music festival the weekend after that.

7. What happened tonight? I ate some candy and watch NJPW.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? I don't care for being around any person that's really wasted and at my age, it would just be kind of sad.

9. Is confidence cute? No, I like sad boys. haha

10. What is the last beverage you had? Mountain Dew, because I'm a horrible gross person.

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? One. Maybe two.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yeah.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Nothing because I'm old and work all week and want to die on the weekends.

14. What are you going to spend money on next? Something SO exciting like cat litter or soap or sponges to wash dishes with.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yeah.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? People are constantly changing.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My boyfriend of 9 years. My two best friends of 15 years.

18. The last time you felt broken? About a month ago.

19. Have you had sex today? No.

20. Are you starting to realize anything? I'm realizing time goes by faster than a motherfucker.

21. Are you in a good mood? Sure.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? I can't even swim.

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? No.

24. What do you want right this second? Nothing.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I would not be happy, but like most of my problems, I would probably ignore it and let it eat me up inside. lmao

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? No.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nooo.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? The "Birds of War" song from Its Always in Philadelphia. lol

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? No.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? I don't think so. It depends on the offense.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Not at all.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? We've been together for almost 9 years, so I think he's gotten the message. lol

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I drink it all of the time like the fat fucking fatass I am.

34. Listening to? An announcer say "single leg boston crab."

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Not often.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Right beside me.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Sure. Anything is possible.

38. Who did you last call? My mom.

39. Who was the last person you danced with? Probably my cat.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because he was going to work and thats what I do every time he leaves.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A month ago???

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Both.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Of course. I can't talk to cute people.

44. Do you tan in the nude? I don't tan. I just stay pasty white like the belly of a fish.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? I have a life, so no. lol

47. Who was the last person to call you? My dentist (I'm not a popular person. lol).

48. Do you sing in the shower? No.

49. Do you dance in the car? Mostly just sing.

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes. It was really fun.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably in high school.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes, but in a great way.

53. Is Christmas stressful? No.

54. Ever eat a pierogi? I don't think so.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple, probably.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A clothes designer, then and interior designer, then just a plain ole artist. I was dumb.

57. Do you believe in ghosts? No.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.

59. Take a vitamin daily? No.

60. Wear slippers? No. I don't wear any shoes in the house. I hate wearing socks and shoes.

61. Wear a bath robe? Nah.

62. What do you wear to bed? T-shirt and shorts.

63. First concert? Forecastle Festival - Beck headlined. Saw the Replacements and Billie Joe Armstrong was with them playing guitar. It was amazing.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Yo, this shit is old because Kmart only exists online now. Walmart makes me want to die, and Target is expensive and their clothes suck.

65. Nike or Adidas? Adidas look cooler, I think. Own neither.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Neither.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Hard pass on all T. Swift songs. Thanks.

69. Ever take dance lessons? Lord, no.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? I hope he can be a writer one day, like he wants to be.

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes?

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Maybe.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yesssss. When I got my dog over 14 years ago. I still love her and miss her.

74. What is your favorite book? Sadly, The Disaster Artist. Its fucking wild.

75. Do you study better with or without music? Without.

76. Regularly burn incense? No, I'm not a pot head. lol

77. Ever been in love? Yes!

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Jeff Rosenstock. I came so close earlier this year, but didn't have the money to travel to it.

79. What was the last concert you saw? Against Me.

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Cold tea.

81. Tea or coffee? Tea.

82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip, I guess.

83. Can you swim well? I can't swim at all. Poor kids never learn to swim.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Why would I do that?

85. Are you patient? No.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Band. A crust punk band. lol

87. Ever won a contest? I won an art contest in middle school.

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No, but if I had money, I totally would. Life is short. Buy big titties. Get lip fillers. Suck out all your fat. Who cares.

89. Which are better black or green olives? Gross.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Love it.

91. Best room for a fireplace? None, because fireplaces increase your home owners insurance. lol

92. Do you want to get married? Sure. I'm in no rush, though. I'm happy to just live together.

[lololollywrites]

thoughts about being 29 on the internet that i just had in the shower...

...and had to write down. they were all basically just about how f**king - NEW. and surreal. the internet, its capabilities, and its fandoms can still be to me sometimes. i feel like i forget this a lot. but when i think about it, i can easily recall my wonder at discovering that it all existed in waves of smaller finds. and because i know there are others like me, i thought i’d share some of my own experiences. because honestly, i’ve had fewer years on tumblr and sites like it than some people much younger than me. i’m catching up and enjoying it.

firstly, i know i’m old to some of you, but i’m not really old. not really. i’m still a millennial, screwed over by student loans and old white men and viewed as part of the technological generation. i’m a phd student, and because i’m always on a college campus, i’ve been mistaken as a freshman. a few times. but it’s been fascinating to witness actual freshman and other college students and consider just how different things are for them and honestly? i’m sort of jealous. 

because...

i can remember when i first discovered that fanfiction existed. i was in third period tech skills as a junior in high school - 16 years old - and got a little off-topic and searched for spoilers for a new supernatural episode. this was in 2005 and the show had just come out (yes i still watch, i can’t escape).

and what did i find? somehow? fanfiction.net. i was, no exaggeration, shocked. i sat and read a full-length chaptered fic in episodic format. my mouth was hanging open. i saw thousands more fics in hundreds of fandoms and suddenly felt less strange for envisioning full-scale episode re-imaginings in my head as i laid in bed, dissatisfied with what i had just watched. (btw, i watched new supernatural episodes the sunday after they used to originally air on the wb on thursdays, at my mom’s house where i had my own room and own tiny tv, because no one at my dad’s house wanted to watch and streaming episodes wasn’t something i could even imagine. plus i didn’t have internet at my dad’s house. i know.)

not only that, but i was impressed as hell. here was me, not even aware that you could somehow upload your own text to the internet, and people were not simply writing polished stories in private but posting them somewhere that allowed for chapters. that allowed for people all over the world to read their words. that categorized everything into a huge virtual library. and, most incredibly to me, that allowed for reviews from people around the world.

i couldn’t believe that this new world was open to me. that people would be so generous as to offer amazing stories to me to read FOR FREE. that i had a limitless supply of content to read and review. i barely had functioning internet at home, so i had been sheltered. i told the people sitting next to me in class about it and encouraged them to check it out, mostly to blank stares. i may have even told the teacher, but no one cared. i didn’t understand. who wouldn’t be interested? i told my dad and my sister about it when i got home from school. i was mind-blown.

months in and many reads and written reviews later, i wrote my first fic. it was for smallville. 6 chapters, with updates every few days, that received 14 reviews in total. i read them all multiple times. i showed my sister. i checked the story stats every half hour. i cried. i wrote on the family computer secretly in the evening when most of my family had gone upstairs, because i was about half a year away from owning my first laptop. i wrote more stories sporadically for about 6 years, gradually getting better, but also gradually becoming more stressed and aware of negativity, online arguments, and the embarrassment and shame i suddenly felt about having an online presence. i found a supernatural forum at tv.com (the forums sadly no longer exist), learned about fandom, and immersed myself in posting and being part of a community that i thought understood me more than my friends. like a secret life.

during my first year of college, in 2007, i was in a friend’s dorm when he asked everyone if we wanted to watch an episode of scrubs. i laughed. surely he was joking. “how can we just watch an episode? it’s not on now and you don’t have the dvds.” i literally didn’t consider that there may have been a way. he excitedly told us that he had found some website that had episodes just... pre-uploaded. and that you could just click. i didn’t believe him. the stress of having to be at the tv at a certain time each week for fear of missing an episode entirely and forever was just part of being a fan, right? buying the tv guide and checking listings was necessary. but he found the episode. and clicked. it only took a few full minutes to load and there it was. again, i was astounded. this memory is so shockingly clear to me. it changed how i spent much of my free time, for one. just that moment.

sometime during this first year of college, i was home for break and came across a video on youtube, this new website i had started to use. it reminded me of ebaum’s world, which my friend would show me at her house sometimes because her computer was faster than mine. it was called “cat soup”, and by two guys that called themselves smosh. it had more views than i could comprehend - probably not much more than 5 digits, but still. they were just two kids i could have gone to school with who could create a funny video and get famous. again, i was shocked. mind-blown.

i showed my sister, my mom, and all my friends. they appreciated it a bit more than the fanfiction, but no one seemed to grasp how incredible and revolutionary it was. they all liked “shoes”, with the kelly persona by liam kyle sullivan (we still quote it today), probably because its budget and effects made it a bit more familiarly professional and it appeared less homemade (though it definitely was). but i couldn’t forget smosh. i was so impressed by them. i watched more videos and eventually found communitychannel and jenna marbles and eviliguana and shane dawson. i even found fan edits for my faves, buffy (maybe i saw one of phil’s, lol) and supernatural and smallville, and tried making my own. i freaked in 2009 or so when fred reached a million subscribers. a million. i couldn’t wrap my head around that. again, i told my sister and friends, expecting them to see the enormity of something so crazy happening, and they just... didn’t.

back in 2008, after watching “stick it” again, i recalled the name of a gymnast my cousin used to always talk about when we were kids - from the 1996 olympics - and looked her up on youtube. i realized that all gymnastics competitions imaginable had been uploaded. again - not to be repetitive - but i was shocked. there’s no better word. i gave myself a thorough education on the sport, traveling through time. i am still so grateful that i was able to do that.

sometime in 2009, my friends started pestering me to create a facebook account. i was a junior in college. 20 years old already. it sounded weird - pictures of me online? why? but i gave into pressure and made one. my mom had never allowed us to make a myspace; we were a bit young, and she hated the idea (now, she’s on facebook more than i am). around the same time i got my fanciest phone yet - an LG Env3. i figured out that it could access the internet and that i could use songs to create ringtones. again, sufficiently mind-blown. considering my first cell phone had been a flip phone with no camera that i shared with my sister during emergencies when i was 13, i felt that technology was coming along fast. 

smart phones were foreign to me for a long long time, until recently actually. i thought they were unnecessary for quite a while. i don’t even remember what phones i had at the end of college and through grad school, but i’m pretty sure they consisted of a series of cheap pay-as-you-go phones from walmart. in 2013, i went to china for a year to teach. i got a cheap phone there and used it for about 7 months. one day, a friend of mine gave me his old htc smartphone because he was getting a new one. i didn’t know how to use it, but i played one app on repeat before class and snapped some low-quality photos. after that, i almost immediately went to indonesia for another 9 months to teach high school (2014-2015). the htc phone died very quickly, so i used the nokia brick phone given to me by the organization. it was fine. i had never even used my old smartphone to access the internet, aside from wechat, thanks to china’s internet blocks. it wasn’t until i got home, in the summer of 2015, that i finally got an iphone. it was a huge deal and a big learning curve. it was also around this time that i found dan and phil and tumblr. i only got my macbook two years ago and finally think i have some things figured out.

so i may be old in some ways and remember floppy disks and the card catalog and using encyclopedias to write my middle school papers and huge computers with black screens and green text that displayed math problems in elementary school. i may be able to remember the sound of ancient, huge printers that used reams of paper with perforated, tearable strips down each side. i may remember aol red, dial-up, and not being able to connect if someone was on the phone. but i can also remember watching technology evolve in front of me, discovering fandom and the huge world of content and friendship that lay ahead. and when people try to say i’m too old to like dan and phil, i remind them that dan and phil can also remember. we’re the same age. i relate to them and their stories. to phil’s buffy obsession. to dan’s love of smosh. i’ve only had about 10 fully-cognizant years here on the internet, and only a couple in the world of tumblr and iphones and mobile apps. i’m young in those ways. and i look young enough that strangers sometimes think i’m a teenager. 

that’s laughable to me in some ways, because i’ve lived so much since my teen years. so much has happened. but in others, i don’t feel much different. there’s no age where you just feel grown up. that your interests vanish. that things suddenly seem childish and dumb. yes, i cringe about some things i wrote or did back then and i think i’ve matured, but my interests are all still relatively similar and i can finally explore them in ways that i just couldn’t before.

i hope that this has made sense. and i hope that some can relate.

[lovemesomesurveys]

This is about to get crazy, are you ready? I’m sure I can handle it. Have you ever done cocaine? No. Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing right now? I believe I got it from Walmart. It’s a shirt with Ralphie from A Christmas Story with soap in his mouth and it says, “Oh, fudge!” What song would best describe your love life? Ones that talk about not having a love life and being single. haha. What are you going to do after this? Perhaps another survey. *shrug*

Are you wearing jeans? No.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? On the cheek. Has anyone ever called you a whore? Jokingly. Who were you last in a car with? My brother. Are you in a good mood right now? I’m bleh. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yes. Have you lost interest in someone recently? No. Is there anyone who you think you deserve an apology from? No. I’m the one who owes some people an apology. Have you ever played the guitar? I tried, but I didn’t get the hang of it and gave up pretty quickly. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? My pup always does something cute. Could you handle living with the last person you talked to on the phone? I do live with my mom. Do you ever take your anger out on others? I try not to. If I’m upset or in one of my moody moods, I try and keep to myself. What grade is the last person you texted in? She’s not in school anymore. Do you still talk to the person you had feelings for 6 months ago? I didn’t have romantic feelings for anyone 6 months ago. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? I’m almost 30 and still have no idea. Has anyone seen you in your underwear lately? No. Where’s your phone right now? Next to me on my bed. Have you ever liked someone older than you? Not including celebrities, the oldest person I liked was only 2 years older than me. Are you the oldest child? The youngest? In the middle? Only child? I’m the middle kid. Would you rather be called ‘honey’ or ‘baby’? Honey. Was the first person to text you today a boy or a girl? Neither. My only text today was from my pharmacy telling me my prescription was ready. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did? I’m sure. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Earlier. If I say it, I mean it. “I love you” isn’t something I just say to anyone. Are you talking to anyone right now? No. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Yeah, a few people. What or who is on your mind right now? No one in particular at the moment. Right handed or left handed? Right. Have you ever had chicken pox? Yeah. Did you buy anything today? Food. Last person to lay in your bed, besides you? My mom. When’s the last time you took a shower? Yesterday. Would you ever camp out on a beach under the stars? It sounds nice in theory, but no. I’d be way too scared for one, and for two I’m not one who likes to sleep outside. Are you listening to music right now? If so, what? No. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Cold. What were you doing at 7am this morning? I was asleep. Were you happy when you woke up this morning? I don’t wake up happy. I wake up like a zombie until I finally drag myself outta bed and get coffee. Has anyone gotten on your nerves today? Yes. What are you excited for, if anything? I’m looking forward to starting my Christmas shopping. Do you have any piercings? If so, what? Just my earlobes. Do you think anyone is thinking of you right now? No. When was the last time you cried really hard? A few days ago. When did you last hug someone? Who was it? A couple days ago. Are you afraid of roller coasters, or have you never been on one? Yeah, I don’t do roller coasters. How’s life going for you? Not well. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Oh, you betcha. Are you keeping a secret right now? Not really. Can you go an hour without talking? Yeah. I get in moods where I’m not very talkative and keep to myself a lot. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past week? No. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? Yep. My hair reaches down to my butt. Are your nails painted? If so, what colour? No. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yes. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? Nope. I can’t see that ever happening. Which do you prefer: summer or fall? Fall, no competition. Who do you care about the most? My loved ones.

[grapesgrapesgrapesgrapes]

You're my Best Friend// part one

HS!joe... thing that I wrote.. I've written shit on Wattpad before but this is the first thing I've written in a really long time so bear with me && I hope you enjoy!!

I'll be using my own character that I made up like five minutes ago whoops. If y'all want I can give a faceclaim.

Warnings: mentions of sex (no actual smut lol I can't write that), drug use (just marijuana, don't worry y'all), and swearing, angst? Maybe?

Joe and Jane had been friends since they were babies. Their mothers, best friends since high school, had unintentionally become pregnant and had decided their children would also be best friends.

Fast forward seventeen years, and Jane and Joe were even closer than their mothers. The two were seen everywhere together, cuddled up to each other and making vine references. Just about everybody thought you were dating, but each time the question came up, the two friends would laugh. To tell the truth, Jane hadn't even thought about what it would be like to date her best friend.

One downfall of having Joe as a best friend was that girls found him irresistible, and apparently Jane knew everything about him,so girls would come to him, asking if he was available just about every weekend. Another downfall was that Joe was kind of a manwhore. Jane had nicknamed him Roger Taylor because of his constant hookups.

One time Jane had walked in on Joe with a girl, and thank god they were still mostly covered because Jane probably would have vomited otherwise. He had called her and apologized about a hundred times after he was done.

Otherwise, Jane and Joe were closer than two peas in a pod, one never not knowing something about the other.

"Hey Joe?" Jane asked, laying on the boy's bed, playing on her phone. Joe was sat at his desk doing homework. Despite being a bit of a whore, he was incredibly focused on his grades, never handing in an assignment late. He often tutored Jane in Physics, as she sucked.

"Hm?" He replied, writing out vocabulary words in his notebook.

"Would you still be friends with me if I shaved all my hair off and glued it to my face?" She asked, glancing up as Joe gave her a look, his signature side-smirk on his face.

"Don't you already look like that?" He asked. Jane laughed and threw a pillow at him, yelling out a 'Hey!' He chuckled and set his pen down, turning to face her completely. "Uh, hey, I know I said I'd hang out tonight, but this girl Sarah wants to hang out and I told her I would.." Jane rolled her eyes as Joe trailed off. He had cancelled on her for the third time in the past two weeks and she had become sick of it.

"Again? Didn't you fuck her last weekend?" She asked, rolling her eyes. Joe gave her a sheepish smile, nodding. "Jeez, Roger Taylor, you can't keep cancelling our plans or I'll be forced to break up with you. I'm starting to think there might be someone else.." Even though you were upset, it was hard not to crack a joke.

"No, Jane! I've loved you for a hundred years! If you leave me I'll die!" Joe replied, dramatically flopping onto the carpeted floor, writhing as if he were being stung by jellyfish. Jane laughed, crawling to the edge of the bed and jumping on top of the boy so she was straddling him. She held his arms over his head and slapped him lightly across the face.

"Joe! Don't leave me! I didn't mean what I said! If you die I'll be cursed with ugliness for the rest of my days!" She cried, flinging her arms into the air for dramatic affect.

"Wait," Joe stopped, breaking character, "aren't you already cursed?" Jane stopped, breaking character as well as she slapped Joe lightly but repeatedly. "Stop!" He yelled, laughing as Jane hit him.

Joe's laughter ceased as he watched Jane's blissed out face, laughing so hard her eyes were shut and scrunched, smile lines adorning her cheeks and the corners of her eyes that Joe always loved. Eventually Jane noticed that Joe was no longer laughing and he eyebrows furrowed, a confused smile on her face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asked.

"Why do you have those things in your nose?" Joe asked, quoting the inappropriate but hilarious Tik Tok that they had watched a few days prior.

"Joe," Jane laughed, sitting herself so she was still straddling him, but was no longer leaning over him. "be serious for a second!" She giggled. Joe held his hands out and Jane pulled him up so they were eye level. She wrapped her arms around the boy's neck, looking him directly in the eyes. Their intimate position meant nothing to them, as they had grown up showing very close affection with no affectionate feelings.

"I'm just looking at you," He replied, leaning his forehead against hers. "what's wrong with that? I catch you looking at me all the time." Jane was usually unfazed by Joe's funny looks but there was something different about this one. There was a glint in his eyes that she had never seen before. Shaking it off as nothing, Jane climbed off of Joe's lap. She checked her phone, finding that her mother had texted her asking her what time she would be home.

"Hey I should go, don't want to stay too late and risk your date thinking something was going on." Jane teased, grabbing her textbook and her backpack.

"Ok," Joe replied, standing from the floor. "I'll text you after Sarah leaves. Maybe we can still hang out? If you pick up a movie from Walmart we can watch it later? Or I could come to yours and we could watch some Netflix?" He asked as they walked together to his front door. Jane slipped on her shoes and sling her bag over her shoulder.

"Joe, it's gonna be at least midnight by the time you're done, and we have school tomorrow. I think I'm just gonna go to bed early tonight." Jane gave him an apologetic smile as she slipped out the front door, leaving a disappointed Joe behind. She didn't really care, if she was being honest. She was still upset that he cancelled their plans again for another booty call. It was obvious that Joe hadn't been taking Jane's feelings into account as of late, and it really bothered her.

Jane called her other best friend Sage as soon as she got home. Truth was, she didn't want to go to bed early. Since Joe had cancelled on her multiple times, Jane has had many early nights and she was itching for an adventure. Usually her and Joe would sneak out of their houses and run around town, playing late night games of mini golf and bowling, and sometimes breaking into gated parks after hours to fool around on the jungle gym.

"Sage? I need to do something tonight or I'm going to commit homicide." Jane spoke as soon as her friend picked up.

"Sebastian got his new order in yesterday. Let's get stoned."

And they did. Jane dressed herself in one of her flashiest outfits, sneaking out of her house as soon as her parents had fallen asleep. Sage was waiting, sitting criss crossed in the middle of Jane's driveway, also dressed quite flashy. Sage liked to hook up with Sebastian every time they got high together. Jane never minded. She was used to Joe hooking up with girls, and she honestly didn't care about getting kicked out of his house when she was stoned enough.

Five joints and two bong hits later and Jane was ushered out of Sebastian's house, Sage hooked to him like a fly on sticky tape. She walked aimlessly through the streets, not really caring where she was going until she reached Joe's house. She hadn't even realized she walked all the way there. It wasn't too far from Sebastian's, but Joe was never a fan of Jane smoking, so she rarely went to his house after she smoked.

Yet here she was, standing at the base of his yard, staring from afar into his window where he would most likely be with Sandra, or whatever her name was. Something itched in the back of Jane's mind and she fished her phone out of her pocket. Her body and mind were on autopilot as she dialed his number, not seeming to care that he was busy. He picked up after two rings, out of breath.

"Jane?" He spoke, his breathing laboured.

"Why did you answer the phone? Aren't you having sex right now?" Jane asked, forgetting why she had called, or perhaps she hadn't figured out why she called in the first place quite yet.

"Yeah, what's up? Why are you calling? Are you okay?" Even after cancelling their plans, Joe still picked up the phone almost immediately. Jane's chest fluttered at the thought.

"Why did you cancel our plans again?" She asked, not thinking twice. She suddenly grew angry. She was sick of him cancelling on her. She would drop anything to be there for him and would never even think about cancelling on him, and yet here he was, hooking up with some girl instead of being there for his best friend. If he hadn't been there with her she wouldn't be stoned and cold, standing outside of his house, confused. She shivered, wishing she hadn't dressed like such a slut, or had at least bothered to bring a jacket.

"What?" Joe asked. There was rustling on the other end and a hushed apology before he spoke again. "Jane, can we talk tomorrow? I'm kind of busy. I'm sorry."

"Bullshit you're sorry!" Jane spluttered, angry tears brimming in her eyes. She was so confused. Why was she crying? Why had she called Joe. Why was she so bothered by Joe hooking up with a girl? He had been hooking up with girls since they were fifteen, why be upset now? Still, she kept talking.

"You've dumped our plans like three hundred times now! Do you hate me? Am I ugly? Am I too ugly for you to hang out with me? Are you gonna stop being friends with me?" Jane couldn't stop the tears from flowing as she yelled at Joe through the phone.

"Wait, Jane.. Are you outside right now? I can hear you.." Joe's voice faltered as she could only assume he was looking out his window. "Holy shit! What the fuck are you wearing?" Joe asked. She watched him peek through his blinds before turning and muttering something to the girl he was with. "Shit, Jane, give me a minute and I'll be right out." He hung up shortly after and Jane waited, not bothering to wipe her tears.

Joe emerged from his house shortly after, wearing a pair of boxers and carrying one of his blankets. He jogged over to the shivering girl and draped the blanket over her, taking in her appearance.

"W-why aren't you still in there fucking that girl? Why are you out here when you can be in there?" Jane blubbered, staring into Joe's confused eyes.

"Jane, what the fuck is going on? Just four hours ago you were fine, and now you're bawling about bullshit. Are you stoned?" He asked. Jane tried to turn away from him but he was quick to grasp onto her hands, pulling her to face him. He took her face in his hands, staring into her eyes.

"I know you don't like it but you cancelled on me again and I just wanted to do something fun and-" She couldn't continue speaking, her tears taking over. Joe wrapped her in a tight hug, squeezing her as tight as he could to calm her down. He did this whenever she went on one of her stoned rants and started freaking out, as she often did.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I promise I won't cancel on you again. Shh, calm down." Joe muttered, kissing the top of her head. "Hey, let me get dressed and I'll walk you home."

"What about the girl?" Jane asked, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

"She wasn't any good, anyway. Don't worry about it." Joe said, once again kissing her head as he guided her inside. "Do you want some of my clothes, by the way? You look like a stripper." He joked. Jane pushed him lightly, having calmed down, and snuggled into his side, breathing in his scent that never failed to calm her down.

//

Hi everyone, I hope you liked this! I hope this isn't too much all at once lol. I was watching the office as I wrote this so I got a bit distracted... Many times. Let me know what you think && I'll try to write a part two soon!

[seasonalherpes]

Gratefulness Post on the Eve of my 21st Birthday

I never write text posts, but somehow I had to get this joy nugget off my chest. When I was a kid, my only dream was to work hard, live in a big town, and work in a lab. My childhood idol was Marie Curie, so while it was rather vague, I knew that at some point in my life I wanted to write some stuff down in a chart while wearing a white coat.  Two years ago, I got accepted in the Psychology program at McGill, which is a few hours from where I come from. I also got accepted (with bursaries covering full tuition) at some universities near my hometown, and my parents offered to pay for an apartment back home for my partner and I to live in. I didn’t have savings past a few thousand bucks, which apparently is not even enough to buy all your textbooks for the first semester, but I knew what I wanted to do. I moved to Montreal!!!! It was so scary!!! So many of my close friends were genuinely hurt - and I felt their pain - because I chose to move away and my dedication to my studies and work was gonna prevent me from visiting. I also had little to no money, and I had - at the most - two friends in this new town. My boyfriend was finishing up a contract back home before joining me, so I spent the first two months fully alone, sleeping with a hunting knife like a mature and responsible adult. Two weeks after I moved was my birthday, and I was working at Walmart at the time. It was honestly extremely humiliating, because people in big towns apparently love dehumanizing retail employees, and I would get belittled so many times a day most of my breaks were spent crying. And I have been in retail since I was 14; I have had my share of assholes. However, there had never been so many so often, and it was almost impossible to handle. So on my 19th birthday, I worked a whole eight hour shift at Walmart, ate my lunch in silence in a terrifyingly small breakroom, got a plate thrown at me because I said we ran out of bubble wrap, and then left at 4pm with absolutely no clue what to do with myself. I ended up eating a crêpe at a frozen yogurt place, and then went to the movie theater all alone. Honestly, the second I heard my first lecture, it felt like a thousand additional plates could have been thrown at me and it would’ve been worth it. I really thought it was only gonna be uphill from there. But then I made a bunch of mistakes, and out of a true lack of confidence, missed out on a ton of opportunities. I tend to be a very assertive and bold person when I want to, but that trait always gets turned off when I don’t know what I’m doing. And I definitely did not know what I was doing then. So I stayed in a cute little corner, sent a few emails around looking for work, and actually never found anything remotely close to my field for my first summer break. So, on my 20th birthday, one year after moving to Montreal, I worked on that exact day as a phone lady for a furniture company. I had to lie to get the job, saying I was taking a break from my studies, and the lady seemed weirdly excited to meet me. I quickly found out why: while I tend to show up at every workplace in incredibly chic, professional clothes, everyone there was dressed like they had given up on life. I had also studied everything about that company to get that job, making me sound like the next CEO of Apple.

So on my 20th birthday, I showed up for my first day at a job I didn’t intend to do for more than a month, and actually got sent to the boss’ office to be told I was going to be trained to become a manager in a few months. For someone who wants a job in customer service, this would have been a dream. But for me, who had lied my way through thinking there would be no repercussions, it was nauseating. I was terrified of letting this nice woman boss down, I was terrified of all the employees getting to know me and seeing that I was a major nerd who would never ever quit school, and worst of all I was terrified at the thought of riding a train of lies for forty hours a week for the next month. So, I spent the entire day working, hiding in the bathroom, and running out as fast as I could at 5 o’clock. I remember discovering that the next bus out was in 30 minutes while I was straight up in the middle of an industrial desert, and choosing to run back home in my fancy loafers because I was terrified of staying near the office for a second more. 

That night, I went to dinner with my partner, tried not to cry the entire time, and then I ran back home to work on my disappearance. I made all of my social media accounts insanely private, blocked the company’s emails, blocked the company’s fifty phone numbers, turned my wifi off, put my phone on airplane mode, then put it on night mode on top of it, and then finally lost my mind and took the SIM card out of my phone and cried myself to sleep. I never showed up for work the next day, staying off the grid for the following week (I even took my friend’s phone to call my parents and tell them I was doing a “technology cleanse”.). 

This takes us to this last year. That year, something in me changed. I realized that as long as I was working towards my goals and doing what I wanted, nothing could take me down. I took out a loan to stop doing crazy jobs, booked some extra classes to advance me as a student, and vowed to be “extra”. 

Being extra meant always going one step further. I would show up to class dressed up. I would go see the teacher after class. I’d send them emails about fun youtube videos related to class materials. I’d contact every single person who worked in a Psychology lab in town. I would go to all the mixers, regardless of how long it would take me to recharge. Knowing I was aiming for a doctorate, I studied for entrance exams exactly one year before most people would start thinking about taking them. I kept up with current researchers like a true stalker. If you want to know what Simon Baron-Cohen is doing right now, trust and believe that I can tell you. 

I can’t actually say this was easy, because it was honestly the hardest year of my entire life. My partner of countless years briefly left me because of mental health issues we both had not seen coming, I spent a whole month selling my book collection to pay for groceries, I failed one of my favourite classes because I kept falling asleep in the days before the final, then learned I was falling asleep because I had contracted mono, and two weeks later I was told I needed heart surgery due to a disease I had had under control since birth. I actually started laughing in the cardiologist’s office, because of how ridiculous that year was. He did not laugh, but I was thorougly entertained.

Still, being extra paid off. In November, an Honour student asked me to help with her research project, and I got so excited I spent night after night in the school’s library. I read and tweaked and rewrote pieces of her paper countless times, and she got an A! She loved my work and energy so much that she recommended me at her lab, and they immediately hired me!!! Then, some fantastic profs agreed to help me with my applications, and with their help I was handpicked to work at a top hospital in a rehabilitation program. As an undergrad!!!!! At that point, I could already have died happy.

I actually took a step back for a month to get my heart fixed, so while this incredible interview happened a few weeks ago, I only started working today. On the eve of my 21st birthday. In the morning, I went to my lab, put on a white coat, pulled out my files, and tested some participants. Then, I had a super fun conversation with a friend from work, who giggled at the sunburns my partner and I got at the waterpark this weekend. He also told me I got the approval on one of the projects I want to run, so (if I work hard enough) I will now have numerous projects under my name published even before I graduate . Then, in the afternoon, I took off my white coat, walked a few meters to the neurological hospital, put on another lab coat, took the cart with the girl training me, and we went around helping out patients. The work was so unbelievably gratifying, I still can’t believe it. One patient was apathetic when we arrived, but actually grew so happy that by the time that we left, she thanked me for reminding her of her youth again.

That was the eve of my 21st birthday. After two whole years of messes, confusion and fear, I actually finally got everything I was aiming for. Since I want to be a Clinical Psychology Doctorate student, I still have a long way to go before I get where I want to be. But for now, one whole year before I finish my Bachelor’s degree, I am already changing people’s lives in a concrete, tangible way, and writing up research that will influence my field and hopefully make a dent in the mystery that is the human brain. 

I work hard, I live in a big town, and I work in a lab. I don’t have everything figured out, but on the eve of my 21st birthday, I got to write stuff down in a bunch of charts and wear a white coat. 

Tomorrow, I cleared my schedule so I wouldn’t have to work. Thankfully, my budget can now handle it. I am going to go eat a crêpe at a frozen yogurt place, before watching a movie all on my own. I want to relive that 19th birthday as a way to commemorate it, as a way to remind myself that it will always get better. Those crêpes are gonna be delightful, and I won’t be wearing a Walmart uniform while eating them. And that movie is gonna be so great; I will go see it because this type of movie is my guilty pleasure, not because I am alone in a big scary town. 

Remember that things always get better. They don’t always evolve at the speed we would want them to, and god knows there are going to be numerous setbacks on the way. Your mono could put you to sleep right as you’re cramming for that big final, your relationship could be on a break for weeks, or your heart could quit on you just for the heck of it. That’s okay. You can do it. You can lift mountains, you can split oceans apart, and you can absolutely conquer the world. Keep holding on, stand by everything you believe in, and your hard work will pay off. 

[hairyharryhair]

Punk Harry Part 18

Part 17

Masterlist

Key:

Y/F/S/N= Your First Sons Name

Y/S/S/N= Your Second Sons Name

Y/D/N= Your Daughters Name

Future:

“Can I get a slushie?” Y/F/S/N asked you, pulling on the end of your cardigan as if him talking wasn’t enough to to get your attention.

“I don’t know Y/F/S/N, ask your Father.” You sighed as you continued to look through the low end mascara’s that this Target sold. You felt him scurry off and you sighed as you look to your baby, who was sitting quietly in her carseat that was set on top of the basket. You smiled at her and moved the cart back and forth to simulate a rocking pattern.

Y/D/N was like an angel. After having two rowdy boys she was a blessing in disguise. Of course that didn’t stop her from already being a pain in her brothers butts. Y/F/S/N and Y/S/S/N could not stand Y/D/N seeing as everytime they got close to her she either started screaming or yanked on their hair like her life depended on it.

Your moment of silence ended when you heard a loud wail coming from where Y/F/S/N just ran off to. You quickly turned to see him on the floor, gripping tightly to Harry’s pant leg, his body spread all over.

“But Daaaadddd! I want one!!!” He whined, a loud sob following.

“I said no, now get off the floor.” Harry scolded, only being able to lean down slightly to pick up Y/F/S/N as he was still holding Y/S/S/N in his arms.

Sometimes you were grateful that you had all your children so close in age, they would never go without friends or someone to play with, they would be close in school grades so you didn’t have to pretend to remember anything you learned, and you had loads of hand-me-downs. Y/F/S/N had just turned four and was very proud of that. He absolutely loved being able to show up almost all of his fingers when showing someone how old he was. Y/S/S/N was two and half and was just entering his terrible two’s. So you knew in a matter of minutes he was going to imitate his brother and throw some kind of fit.

It was then that you remembered about your Angel, who was still, sitting quietly in her carseat.

Bless her.

You rolled your eyes before grabbing a random mascara and pushing the cart over to your boys.

“Y/F/S/N, do you want to go home?” You asked, yanking him off the floor by his arm, gently of course you weren’t a monster.

He looked up at you, using his sleeve to wipe away his tears before he shook his head. Your heart actually almost melted when he looked at you with those big brown eyes that were stained with his tears. But you held your ground, this was parenting, you were going to do this right.

“No, but I want a slushie Mommy!” He whined a little.

“Well, you’re sure as heck not getting one with this attitude. Got that?” You asked and he nodded. “Now, dust of your clothes, apologize to your father, give me a big hug, and if you can manage to be a good boy for the rest of this shopping trip, we can get some ice cream on the way home.” You said and he looked up at you with big eyes, a smile stretching all the way across his face. He jumped up and down before leaping into you, wrapping his arms around your upper legs. You smiled as you bent down to reciprocate the hug.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so so so so much Mommy!” He said before turned and hugging Harry as well. You looked over at Harry who was trying to balance a squirming Y/S/S/N in his arms. After Y/F/S/N let go of him he set Y/S/S/N down.

“Hey! Y/F/S/N, hold you brothers hand while we go ok.” Harry said and Y/F/S/N nodded, grabbing his brothers hand and coming to hold onto Harry’s right hand as well. Harry then came up behind you, his left hand finding its place on your back as you continued to steer the cart that still held your daughter.

“You know in a bit Y/S/S/N is going to throw a fit too right?” Harry whispered and you let out a small laugh but nodded along anyway.

“Oh yeah, one hundred percent. Monkey see, Monkey do.” You said and he smiled.

The five of you continued to walk down the hall before you saw an aisle you unfortunetly had to grab something in.

You looked over at Harry with guilty eyes as you turned the cart into the aisle.

“Are you fucking serious?” He whispered into your ear as you plucked the pregnancy test from the shelf.

“Missed it last week.” You sighed and he groaned.

“Another baby? But we just had the last one. Like literally ten months ago!” He exclaimed and you shrugged.

“Not my fault we procreate like our lives depend on it.” You joked and he smiled before shaking his head.

“That would mean four fucking kids, that’s insane.” He said and you smiled.

“You weren’t saying that five years ago.” You said, referring to how he spun you around upon hearing the news of your first pregnancy.

“That was one, one child. Also our first, totally different. I can handle one, I can handle two, three is pushing it, but four, for fucks sake.” He said and you laughed.

“Alright Mister, let’s get this over with.” You said before pushing the cart onward.

Continuously throughout your trip you would turn around to check that your boys were still following you, which indeed they always were.

You think you may have scarred them once before. One time when you were fairly worried about some business meeting and you had turned your back for one second to pick out some new shoes and when you turned back, your three and one year old were gone. You ran around in panic for fifteen minutes and when you still couldn’t find them, you had to inform some workers around and then next thing you know the whole fucking Walmart is on lock down looking for your boys.

Keep in mind you were also like, seven months pregnant. So you were just running absolutely rampage looking for these idiots.

After another twenty minutes of looking in every nook and cranny, it turns out that they had hidden in one of those circle clothing racks and were just watching in joy as the whole fucking store panicked. Of course when they saw the look on your face they knew they were in for it and you yelled and screamed and cried for the whole way home. And then even after you got home with them you convinced Harry that it was totally normal to ground a three and one year old, which it probably isn’t but hey, you were seven months pregnant and scared.

So now, you have a slightly bad feeling that they know never to leave you sight or else shit goes down.

“You know, I used to work in a Target.” You said as you watched the boys look at the toys at the end of the aisle with Harry,

“Love, we’ve been married for five years, yes I know that.” He laughed and you smiled.

“Oh, well I did, and it sucked ass. All the higher-ups were douches and all I did for hours was put stuff away and pull things forward. I also worked in the cosmetic department which was not what I wanted it to be like. Not to mention that customers are stupid. One lady once didn’t remember what kind of foundation she was wearing. And legit argued with me for like twenty minutes because she was convinced I could identify what kind by looking at her face. She kept going no like I’m wearing it right now so which is it, like bitch I don’t fucking know oh my god.” You ranted, remembering all the times you had to show up at Target at 7:30 in the morning wearing red and khaki.

“I know love, you’ve told me this story at least three times.” He said lovingly, leaning forward to place a kiss down onto your cheek.

“EWWWWWW!” You heard from your boys and you looked to see them both covering their eyes.

“Alright, come on we need to go now!” You called and they came running forward.

You stopped by the clothing area to pick up some more shirts and pants for Y/F/S/N and you bought some shoes for Y/S/S/N, and you also got another onesie for you daughter seeing as all three of your youngins were growing faster than you could have ever imagined.

The car ride to the ice cream shop was filled with the noise of two different movies going on at the same time. The boys were separated by Y/D/N’s carseat which meant that they both had to be entertained by different things, which just so happened to be animated movies this time.

The ice cream was rather easy to get, instead of all five going in at once you had created a system where Harry and whoever was the best boy of the day goes in with a list of what everyone wants and comes back with it after.

So in the car sat you, you daughter, and Y/F/S/N as Harry and Y/S/S/N went in to get the ice cream.

You looked back to notice that he was asleep and you baby girl was just staring wide eyed at the roof of the car.

You smiled, enjoying the small moment of silence.

You could remember a day when you had none of this. When you were just a heartbroken girl, trying to live her dream of being a makeup artist.

Then, little did you know that your life changed when that freak with the tattoos kissed you suddenly.

And you wouldn’t change it one single bit.

Word Count: 1742

This is the final installment of The Punk Harry Series :(

[beautyindisguise00]

How old will you be in 3 birthdays? Do you think you’ll be married by then?

Thursday night October 15, 2020 @8:23pm

How many hours has it been since you woke up? about 14. 

Who was the last female you hung out with? my coworker nici. my room didnt have that many kids and didnt need two teachers so i was able to work with her today which was nice for a change

How many keys are on your key chain? What do they go to? house key, apartment building key, apartment door, mailbox, car keys so 5

What were you doing the last time 7pm rolled around? cooking dinner which was fried noodles with poached eggs

Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? nope. my idiot self thought i had to one time. haha

Does your ex still think about you? i dont think so

What is something that always makes you feel pretty? when my hair is done, make up is done well, and a good outfit

What’s your favorite instrument? i guess i dont have one haha

Do you want to get married? very much. one day!

Is Catcher in the Rye in your library by any chance? no, it is not

Does the thought of moving out from home scare you? it depends on how far from here. i dont mind if it’s not more than 6 hours away 

Do you find smoking unattractive? not for me, no thanks

How old will you be in 3 birthdays? Do you think you’ll be married by then? i’ll be 27. according to my younger self’s plans, i thought i’d be married by 26 and kids at 28. at this point, i just hope i’d be engaged by 27. just waiting for the boyfriend to finish school and for the both of us to save up. haha

When is the next time you’re going on vacation? not for a loooong time cause of this crazy pandemic 

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept? nah, i’ll pass

If you have siblings, which one of you is going to be married first? hopefully my older brother 

Do you smoke weed? i do not

Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? my boyfriend well technically my work kids. haha. i think Colton told me today. haha

How old will you be on your next birthday? What are you doing for it? 25. no big plans. maybe a spa day with the girls

Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? hahaha yes and it usually escalates to other fun things. hahahah

Are you currently renting out your own apartment? no but i am renting an apartment

Do you currently have a job? yes. daycare teacheer

Are you pregnant? nooooo

Have you taken anyone’s virginity? not yet

Have you had sex in the past three weeks? ^^

What would you consider to be the worst television channel out there? eh, there’s a few bad tv shows but i dont know. 

Are you currently sitting on your bed or some other place and where? im on the couch in the living room

Did anything tend to make you extremely happy today and, if so, what was it? just having a decent human conversation with my coworker nici. haha because sometimes my other coworkers dont talk to me or else they rant or complain

Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house and what kind? a friend dropped of a big fat brown bunny at my house one time. and we’ve dog sat for a family friend a few times 

Are you planning on going to the movies with anyone at all this weekend? no, covid

What month is it and would you consider this to be your favorite month? october and no. 2 more months til my favorite month

Have you ever made your boy/girlfriend choose between you and someone else? not like anything serious

Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? what?

When was the last time you took a shower and was that too long ago? like 2 nights ago? i have to take one tonight

When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? walmart? i think

Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it? no, i just put it in my phone. 

What color are your curtains and are you satisfied with this color? i have white blinds. the apartment came with them like that. i dont mind it

When was the last time you were stung by a bee and what kind was it? i think i was like 13? just a regular bee. i remember it fly between my foot and my sandal while i was walking and i stepped my foot down and it stung me!

Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? my boyfriend’s brother and their family’s house caught on fire from an electrical fire

Do you think the media can further manipulate our teenagers anymore? oh goodness yes. especially in todays time where its normal for every singe teenager to have a phone

Have you ever had someone sympathetically lie to make you feel better? i’m sure

When was the last time you had a piece of cake and what was the occasion? i buy mini cheesecake bites for a small after dinner dessert

Has anyone ever complimented you on your singing and did you believe them? yes and no. haha while the rest of my family was blessed with musical talents, i was not

What’s your favorite kind of potato chip and are they cheap to buy? i like sunchips, funyuns, and any sour cream and onion flavored chips

Are you afraid to save your surveys because you think people will read them? nah, but this is the only place i post them  How satisfied with life are you at this exact moment in time and why is this? i’m trying to understand my life circumstance right now and trying to be content with where i’m at. i’d say i’m like a 7 on a 1-10 scale

Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? not really, just wondering why my boyfriend hasnt called me yet when its 9pm right now and my bedtime is in an hour cause of work

Who was the last male you hung out with? my boyfriend via facetime but otherwise my brothers at the pumpkin farm

Are you self conscious? sometimes

What are you not looking forward to? getting my period. i think it’s coming up soon

What did you realize yesterday? uhmm, not sure

Who was the last person to drive you somewhere? my sister when she and my mom came to visit me this past weekend

Do you want someone you can’t have? a career, a lot of money, hahaha

When was the last time you cried? a few days ago watching “while you were sleeping” with my boyfriend as we finished the last episode.

When was the last time you totally broke down? last 2 weeks ago when my boyfriend and i got into a small dispute 

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? a job as a wedding planner or even the assistant

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? not recent, but a few people i’ve grown apart or lost connection with 

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a L? my boyfriend’s name starts with an L and the last time i kissed him was like three weeks ago when we were saying goodbye when i was in town for his grandpa’s funeral

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? going to bed

This time last year were you happier then or now? now. haha. this time last year, i was stressing over what to do with my living situation and work situation 

Are you angry with someone right now? nope

Do you get stressed easily? sometimes

Do you have any problems? not any big ones

Do you have any plans for the weekend? nothing big. just get some work done and then a virtual meeting with my siblings

Be honest; name of the last person to text you? my coworker/coteacher Abby

Have you told anybody you loved them today? yes. i text my boyfriend a good morning text almost every day. i think i also told my work kid Colton i loved him too. haha he’s so sweet

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color? no, i colored it 2 months ago

Do you want to see somebody right now? yes

Have you been under the influence in the past 24 hours? no

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? my couch

What color hair did you have when you entered high school the first time? my natural hair

Did the last person you kiss have piercings? nope

Is there a certain eye color you are drawn to on the opposite sex? not really

Will you be seeing your ex any time soon? nope

Have you talked about marriage with another person? my boyfriend, my sister and when i went to my boyfriend’s grandpa’s funeral, i saw a lot of his family so they asked

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 years ago? yeah and its still the same

Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? nope

Do you think you’ll make a good parent? i sure hope so. i think i’d do a decent job with discipling and teaching when theyre young but teenage years kinda scare me. 

Do you think you’ll make a good husband/wife? i think so. im sure the first few years will be tough but i’ll get the hang of it! haha

[overlord-of-sarcasm]

I don’t know when I lost my faith. 

Could it have been when I was sixteen, and I was throwing up in a public bathroom because my ‘best friend’ had raped me, and my mother walked in, asked what was going on with me, why am I acting weird/etc, and I told her, and she told me to get over it?

Could it have been when, literally three months after that, a different ‘best friend’ tried to rape me, and I didn’t eat for two weeks, and my mother told me that I looked great and should keep doing whatever it was that I was doing? I wasn’t even at all chubby to begin with.

Could it have been when I was sixteen, and in my community college class, where I couldn’t get away from the guy who kept trying to take me home, and, no matter who I told, either no one believed the ‘stupid blonde girl’ or told me to be flattered?

Could it have been when I was sixteen, and at a water park with a friend, and seven guys surrounded me and tried to rip my top off?

Could it have been when I was seventeen, at the student life center in my community college, and three strangers + one friend of mine cornered me to try to force me to do a porn shot with them, and my friend tried to pretend nothing was happening?

Could it have been when I was seventeen, and, after a year of complaining about and dealing with the eczema on my hands that was so bad that I couldn’t bend my fingers anymore, my mother finally took me to the doctor to get treatment, and accused me of not telling her when the doc asked her why she waited so long to take me in?

Could it have been when I was seventeen, and I was in church class, asking questions that my teacher didn’t like, so he told me I was going to hell?

Could it have been when I was eighteen, and started having seizures, but I didn’t know it at the time (eyes rolling into the back of my head, sometimes some generalized shaking, and both during and after, 7/10 times my legs won’t cooperate and I can’t support myself), and the only people who even pretended to care were my coworkers, my Bio 112 classmates, and my philosophy professor?

Could it have been when I was eighteen and it got so bad that I collapsed/had a seizure in a haunted house (shut it down lol) and my mother, once I told her, just got mad at me for ‘allowing it to happen’? I have no control over this.

I know it wasn’t when I had a seizure/ episode in the middle of my philosophy classes, and my prof, who had an epileptic student in a previous semester, begged me (plus a few other students, so it wouldn’t be just me and him) to stay so I wasn’t driving right after the seizure.

But could it have been when I was eighteen and I was at work and I had a fit/episode/seizure that was so bad that I was out of commission for several minutes, and my manager had to force me to sit down, and I had already given up on telling my mother, cause I knew she didn’t give a damn and would probably just be mad?

Could it have been a few months ago, at nineteen, the first day moving into my new house (alone), with the roomies moving in two days later, when I came home from Walmart to find one of the old (male) tenants eating dinner there, and I panicked and went to a church thing, where I magically ran into one girl who I knew, and told her, and she found a friend of hers who was willing to have me over at her house for a few hours, then helped me to barricade the door so Jack couldn’t come back in that night? (seriously, what the fuck, Jack?)

Could it have been a few months ago, at nineteen, when I totaled my car after the first home college football game of the season (I know I shouldn’t drive with seizures, but I didn’t know that they were seizures at this point) and a truck full of boys saw me laying on my steering wheel trying to move, and, instead of trying to help, or even at least seeing if I was ok, did a Chinese Fire Drill around their car before driving off? (I will admit to laughing at this later, but still, not cool)

Could it have been the night of the accident, when I had to call a friend to tell him that I wouldn’t be able to drive to go help with the Hurricane Harvey clean up efforts in Houston the next day anymore, and it didn’t even occur to me to tell him why, because, at this point, I was so used to looking after myself that I didn’t even consider the fact that he was a paramedic, and could probably help me if I needed it?  I about cried in relief when he told me to park my car, which had overheated after not even a full mile, and wait for him to come pick me up.  Then, literally less than two minutes after he had gotten there, I had my first of several fainting spells, and he immediately recommended that I go to a doctor, but told me that I had the choice.

Could it have been the night after this, when I went to the store with my roommates, and a guy forgot his drivers liscence at the register, and I offered to run it out and see if I saw anyone who looked like him, and I went to the parking lot to search.  I looked absolutely horrible, I was stiff, and sore, and exhausted, and I just wanted to sleep, but I didn’t look like I belonged on the streets.  I saw a guy who looked like the guy in the ID pic getting into a truck, and when I tried to talk to him, he assumed I was homeless and told me that he didn’t have any money. (His face as I explained the situation was priceless, though)

Could it have been two weeks after the accident, when, after I had passed out no less than seven times, I finally went to an on-campus (super cheap) clinic, where they told me that this actually seemed super serious, and tried to load me up in an ambulance to take me to a hospital for tests, and I had to call my mother to ask for her permission/opinion, and she said that there was no reason that I should need to be seen, and essentially told the docs to screw themselves?

Could it be when I was picked up by my same paramedic friend (Matthew), and he told me that I really needed to go to a doc, and I wanted to, but I would need to use my parents insurance, and my mom already said no, that I didn’t need to go to a real doc, and he told me to call her so he could talk to her, and she said “You may be a paramedic, but I’m her mother, and have been her mother for 19 years. Exactly how long have you been a paramedic? My point exactly.  I’m also old, and so I know what I am talking about.” Then hung up, and he looked at me, and told me that I needed to see a doc, but understands that my mother disagrees, and gave me what was essentially a standing offer for a ride to the hospital if I needed it, and tried to help as much as possible, but couldn’t really do anything further?

Could it have been two weeks ago, when I was working (ushering at a football game) and I had an episode/fit, and couldn’t stand up, and my supervisor (great guy, I go to church with him and his kids) saw and made me sit down, and called the medics, and they took a few readings, then tried to get me to stand up, where I nearly fell on my face, making them get a wheelchair? They took me to the medic bay, where I had no less than 5 EMTs and 1 nurse telling me that these things that I’d been experiencing for the last 1.5+ years were seizures, and that I might have epilepsy, and they tried to put me into an ambulance (again), but I told them I couldn't afford it.  Their response was that, if it really was epilepsy, I really couldn’t afford not to.  So I tried to find someone to take me to the hospital, but no one answered, or they were busy. Finally, I called Matthew up again.  He picked me up, and wouldn’t let me call my mom. (lol) The EMTs made sure that they would be able to handle it if I passed out in his car, and off we went to a hospital. Matthew made me wait until after I’d already given blood and urine samples and was in a hospital room before calling my mom to tell her. I know that I lost my faith in her when she informed her crying teenage daughter who was in a fucking HOSPITAL BED that there were cheaper ways of trying to get attention.

Could it have been five days ago, when I had a seizure while riding my bike, and barely had enough control to jerk my bike right, into an empty parking lot, rather than left, into oncoming traffic, where I crashed and laid for what felt like an eternity, trying to regain control of my body enough to finish the two mile ride back home, and no one so much as sent a second glance my way?

But could it have been three nights ago, when I went country dancing at a bar with a group of friends the night after I stayed up all night studying, when I had a seizure while dancing, and managed to stagger and collapse against a wall, rather than in the middle of the dance floor, and, due to both these factors, ended up laying near the wall waiting for my friends to be ready to leave before someone informed the management of the girl who was passed out on the floor? They got my friends, and I had to be carried out by two of my (large) male friends.  I think it was when someone congratulated my friends on getting the obviously underage girl so drunk and my friends had to tell the guy that I was sick, and he didn’t even apologize, more so than the fact that I had a seizure at a bar in the first place.

Could it have been, just maybe, the fact that, as a female, I always carrying a visible weapon to deter the possible predators, and I know that, no matter what happens to me, I will always do my best to beat the living shit out of anyone who so much as dares to attempt to sexually assault someone else, and yet I still fear what will happen when that day comes? Will I be punished, for defending a girl? Or will I be punished, for ‘embarrassing a man by helping him out’? Will someone else stand up for me the next time? Cause I know that I’ve almost always been entirely on my own before. I don’t want to place my trust in someone, only for them to be the one who attacks me.  Again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #114

“oh yeah, i’m a reaper man; every good thing, i kill it dead.”

What kind of makeup do you think is appropriate for church?  Who cares.  Wear what you want; I don't see how your makeup affects God's opinion on you while in His house. What would you wear to church?  I don't dress up for the same reason as above.  I just wear my usual. Would/do you like having brown eyes? I like having blue eyes.  It's not that brown isn't pretty, it's just so common. What kind of gift would you appreciate for your birthday? I'm just asking for money again.  Can already go see Sara, time to work towards the tattoo. What do you use Facebook for?  My main reason is legit funny pictures lmao.  There's few people I'm actually actively interested in keeping up with. Would you rather be called a geek, a nerd or a dork?  A geek is 100% a compliment lol. Do you like pretzels? Soft ones, yes.  Especially the ones from those little shops at malls, omgggg.  I'd prefer to not eat hard ones. You want your next pet to be what? A bearded dragon.  Or two rats. Would you spend 20 dollars on a candle?  Ha.  No. What is the goriest thing you’ve seen in real life? There was a deer that died directly beside the road leading to our old house and it was decaying.  I still remember all the maggots squirming around in its side. @_@ Do you take any meds? If so which and why?  Mood stabilizers, anxiety med, something for nausea if one of my mood stabilizers causes it, Melatonin, something for heartburn, and birth control unless I want my uterus to tear me apart from the inside. Is "no glove, no love" your STRICT policy?  If I actually was to have sex, yes.  Even with me on the pill, I'm not taking any risks.  Not getting pregnant. If someone breaks a law, should they be punished if they did not know it was a law?  Depends on the law. Name a band you sort of like:  What a thing to admit, but Blood on the Dance Floor.  I like some of their songs, while others are just too repulsive. In your head do you call yourself 'I’ or 'you’ or both?  Usually "you," and always when I'm trying to calm or reassure myself, because it's like hearing validation of something from another person. Someone tells you 'well there are black people, and then there are (removed term bc fuck that word)’. What do you think?  My former friend used to say that and I fucking hated it. Who REALLY has a higher sex drive, girls or guys? How can you tell?  I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure there's science behind men having more of a libido. Do you enjoy wild parties?  I literally could never. Have you ever been stereotyped? As what?  I was called both emo and goth in high school.  It wasn't offensive to me personally, but I don't think I totally fit any stereotype. Who do you know that you believe does not masturbate?  I don't for a number of reasons, and I can name a few others I'm pretty sure don't. Does a cloned human being have a soul? Why or why not?  explosion.gif Who looks better naked, men or woman?  Women.  I'm bi, yes, but penises look fucking disgusting to me personally. Is there anything you won’t say unless someone else says it first?  Nothing immediately comes to mind. What’s your favorite type of doughnut? Either glazed or cake (the totally plain ones). Do you have any candles in your bedroom? Do you light them often?  No, I have an incense burner.  I use it often enough. What is your least favorite thing about your full name?  I just don't like my last name, and my middle name's too common, but at least I like the name itself. What’s your favorite kind of Poptart?  Probably the chocolate sundae one.  But I don't like Poptarts much. Do you think you look good with a hat on? I can't remember the last time I wore a hat. Are there some songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of something? "The Mortician's Daughter" and "Stairway to Heaven." Do you live near a street light?  No. Do you wear any rings? A red gem one I got from Mom, then a "bitch/jerk" friendship ring (Supernatural reference) with my girlfriend. Do you put collars on your cats? When we had cats, yeah. Do you like celery?  Ew no. Did you cry while watching the Notebook?  I've never sobbed at a movie, but I cried, yeah.  I've cried in subsequent watches too lmao.  I think I've always teared up, actually. Do you have a protective mom and dad?  Mom's extremely protective of me.  I'd say Dad's pretty normal. What field trip did you last go on?  Probably for a band competition in high school. Five ways to win your heart:  Uhhh.  Show compassion, patience, generosity, wisdom, and maturity. Your views on mainstream music:  It's getting too vulgar to be on the radio.  I firmly believe children don't need to hear profanity (they don't know when it's inappropriate to use) or talk of sex, and songs just have so much censorship yet lack thereof now.  If you're going to censor almost an entire song, why the hell play it?  Then some songs are so clearly about sex or just openly say the word that it bothers me.  I wouldn't wanna explain what sex is to say my like five-year-old if they heard some of the shit on the radio and asked questions. Put your iPod on shuffle and write that 10 first songs that play: 1.) "Clocks" by Coldplay, 2.) "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses, 3.) "Blessed With a Curse" by Bring Me the Horizon, 4.) "Let It Die" by Starset, 5.) "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance, 6.) "Animals" by Nickelback, 7.) "Shoots and Ladders" by Korn, 8.) "Divinity Statue" from DMC3, 9.) "Float On" by Modest Mouse, 10.) "This Is Gospel" by Panic! at the Disco. A quote you try to live by: "Life's hard.  Shouldn't you be, too?"  ... It's not meant to be an innuendo. How do you know when someone thinks you’re attractive?  I would literally have to be told lmao. Which one of your relationships was the shortest?  Two weeks and it was fucking stupid. Which was the longest?  Almost four years. If you want to get married, what age? I don't have a set age in mind.  Just whenever my s/o and I are ready. What did you end up getting for Christmas? A PS2 after mine broke years ago ahhhh, way too much money from my dad, his wife, and my grandpa, a "meerkat lover" street sign, a meerkat puzzle I'mma do and frame for my room, some pajama pants, an iHome for my iPod, Pikachu and Grumpy Cat plushies that're too cute, among other things that aren't coming to mind rn. Do you think buying underwear/bras at Victoria’s Secret is a waste?  Meh, mixed feelings.  Like they are way too expensive for some damn bras and underwear, but if they make you feel more confident or pretty in your body, buy them. Do you like glittery things? Usually. Do you like Red Lobster?  It used to be my favorite restaurant, but after I got sick after eating there, I haven't gone since.  Even though I was feeling sick before we went, it's just an association thing. What are you most scared of?  Relapse, losing certain people. Favorite video game?  "Silent Hill 2" Do you believe that leaving a significant other for someone else is ever a good idea?  YUP. because if you loved the first person, you wouldnt even consider the second.  <<<< This. Do you have any possessions that you’re very attached to, and you’d be absolutely devastated if you damaged or lost them? Absolutely devastated... the little rock I got from my partial hospitalization at Holly Hill.  When someone "graduates," you pick a shiny rock from a jar that gets passed around the room for your "classmates" to wish you well and say anything they'd like to say about you while they hold it.  I cherish that thing so much. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it? I guess have oral entirely naked on the old chaise in the living room.  But we were home alone. How much do you want to weigh?  I was totally happy at 120, but I was fine at 140.  Supposedly I should be like 130-something. If you HAD to do your holiday shopping for EVERYONE in only ONE store what store would you pick?  Uh probably Walmart lmao. Do you believe that guns don’t kill people and that people kill people? Why?  People kill people, and that's coming from someone afraid of guns.  You have a choice where you're pointing that thing. What is the difference between a good poem and a bad one?  I don't like ones that are virtually impossible to understand. Which do you need more: sugar, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, sex, sleep?  I'm addicted to caffeine, I can't go two days without it. @_@ Who is someone you know should deserve more respect?  Ha, my Dad from my mom. What movie would you like to see again, that you haven’t watched since you were a kid?  The first movie that came to mind was "Shiloh." Are birds happy in cages? Are pets happy indoors?  I truly doubt birds are happy in cages, but maybe if they have enough entertainment and it's big enough?  But I'm sure like dogs and cats are fine indoors considering a whole house is much bigger.  Though I think bigger dogs especially need to be let out to run around sometimes. Hula hoops or jump ropes?  Jump ropes.  Loved it as a kid.  Now my knees would murder me. Can you understand sign language?  No.  But I remember learning this song in elementary school that we had to sing and do sign language to, but I don't remember any of it. Does anyone in your family hunt?  Nicole, my little sister. How about fish? Me and Dad, maybe his dad. Do you pronounce the "l" in salmon?  No. Have you ever gotten stuck on an amusement park ride? Thank Christ no. Have you ever seen an albino animal?  Maybe?  I've seen a white alligator, but it technically wasn't albino. Have you ever tried summoning Bloody Mary?  No. When is the last time you consumed alcohol? New Year's Eve.  I drank a margarita way too fast but felt nothing because my alcohol tolerance is God-Tier. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ  (Though I like never drink.) Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? No. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? Y U P Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Sometimes. Would you rather go to a University or a community college?  The latter if they offered good classes.  It's cheaper, and you can still get a worthy degree. What’s your favorite kind of bread?  Pumpernickel. What toppings do you like on your pizza?  Only jalapenos or pepperoni. What color or design does your shower curtain have?  It's just white. What color is your microwave?  Black. Could you ever give yourself a shot?  If I had to, yeah. Have you ever been so embarrassed that you cried?  Story of my life. How many people have told you they were in love with you?  One. Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted?  Well, we're both girls, so actual sex would be psychically impossible, but I'd do as close as we could to it if she made it very clear she wanted to. Does it bother you when people don’t answer questions with exact answers?  Yes, especially if I'm asking them a question about needing validation for something.  Don't be vague. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin?  I usually do so I know exactly when it's coming.  And if I'm getting my blood drawn, I watch it for whatever reason. @_@ Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes. Do you like strawberry and banana smoothies?  Strawberry.  I doubt I'd like banana. Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? My sister Ashley is literally blind in one eye, I think her right?  For the other two, idk. What’s your favorite horror movie? I really like both "Blair Witch Project"s, as well as "The Crazies." Is it true that people with depression CAN’T function in society?  Sometimes, absolutely. Can you think of any person or group you cannot empathise with?  Pedophiles, rapists, racists, abusive people, homophobes, the list goes on. Do you want to get married? If so, what color will your dress be? It'll be either black, white, or ivory, idk. Do you like peanut butter and fluff sandwiches?  NO. Do you play video games? If so, what kind?  Yes, just about exclusively story-based ones that usually involve horror.  But I like many others, so long there's actually plot to it. How old is your oldest and youngest friend?  Oldest is like... 32, youngest is 17, I think. How weight conscious are you?  Only extremely. Stripes or polka dots? Polka dots. What was your first word?  "Dada" What's a show that you absolutely refuse to watch?  "13 Reasons Why" Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? 7th grade. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before?  I'm actually not sure.  I don't think so.  If it did, Mom never told us. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls?  Yes, until I think a dirty needle was found in one of McDonald's ball pits. Do you think biting is weird or sexy? I like it so long you don't leave a mark in an obvious spot. Do you have a class ring?  No. What type of internet browser are you using?  Chrome. How long do your showers typically last? Not even ten minutes. Can you cry on cue?  No. Were you a Nancy Drew reader when you were younger?  No. Are you the kind of person that takes pictures with a drink in your hand?  No, and quite frankly, it's obnoxious.  You're getting intoxicated.  Congrats. Do either of your parents have a mental illness?  Mom has depression, and she says Dad's bipolar, but I absolutely don't see it now that they're divorced. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home?  Own. When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup?  I couldn't tell you.  The most I ever wear is eye liner, shadow, mascara, and lipstick, but I don't consider that a "full face of makeup." Do you own an iPad?  No. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?  No, thank goodness. Do you think it’s wrong for people to say 'retard/retarded’ as an insult?  I FUCKING HATE IT. How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry?  I think two. Would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000?  No, I just wouldn't be able to.  If it didn't have its fangs, maybe? What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have?  Anxiety.  Shit would be so much better without it. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom by one year. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No. Do you believe that people can be psychics? No. List these apple types from greatest to worst: green, red, yellow. Red, green, yellow. Does your house have more than one fireplace?  We don't have even one. When it rains does it leave a lake in your front yard?  No.  My original home was like that, though.  It ALWAYS flooded. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks?  No, I actually found it flattering to know they wanted me to sign it. Where is one place that you’d never be caught dead in?  A strip club, to name one. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie?  I loved the Phantom Virus one.  Even had the game. Do you dislike when people ruin the endings of anything for you?  Yes, unless I ask to just be told. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?  ... Whoa.  I'd feel fucking godawful, but I'd save my grandmother.  I'm not calling the baby less human, but my grandmother is more conscious of life and everything, I guess? Which would you choose: true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? Never love at all.  Heartbreak is fucking awful. Have you ever seen the movie "A Walk to Remember?" Cliche or worth watching?  I think it's worth watching.  Very sweet movie. Do you know how to sew? What’s your favorite thing to sew? No. Do you own many pairs of shorts?  I don't own any. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other?  Ye<3 Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite?  Fiction.  "Johnny Got His Gun" and "The Outsiders." Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? Yeah. How many tattoos would you get?  I want LOADS. What brand of toothpaste do you use? Crest. Would you ever tattoo the name of a bf/gf or spouse on yourself?  No.  I'd get a matching tattoo relatively deep into marriage, but name, nah. What’s your least favorite season? Summer. D: What’s your favorite dessert?  Red velvet cake. Do you like cotton candy? Meh, I can have a couple bites. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people?  No. Where do you normally get your hair cut? A family friend's salon. What would your dream engagement ring look like? I really like dragon's breath opal rings or rose gold ones but idk how expensive either are. @_@ What’s the longest your hair has ever been?  Like to the small of my back. How do you feel about bleach blonde hair? Gorgeous on some people, not for me. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Name 2 questions that you will most likely never say ‘no’ to:  1.) "Do you wanna go get a tattoo?", 2.) "Do you wanna Skype?" if it's Sara. Imagine someone has a great personality, sense or humor, family and job. they also really really like you a lot. Would you consider dating them if they: Were fat?  Yes. Limped?  Yes. Were a midget?  Yes. Had HIV?  No, because I'm too scared to put myself at risk. Were paralyzed in one arm?  Yes. Had a glass eye?  Yes. Had only 6 months to live?  No, that would destroy me. Would you get married on TV?  No.  I don't want people I don't care about watching. Do you own a metal detector?  No.  I did as a kid, though.

[the-stemetery714]

All the questions 😉

I usually ignore this when people request it but it’s 1:30 AM and I’m bored. It’s your lucky day.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?I don’t know who that was but I’ll assume it was a friend, so yeah.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?Absolutely not.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Probably when I was very close to buying a house a few weeks ago.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?Please. I’m southern lol.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?I’m not dating or talking to anyone.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?Of course.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?Boxers and a flannel.

8. How often do you listen to music?If I’m alone, I’m basically always listening to music.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?I never wear sweats.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?Lmao damn these questions old.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?Social.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?Lmao like a lot. That used to be a joke amongst my friends. My first 3 girlfriends names started with A.

13. What about ‘R’?Yeah.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?Nope.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?Yeah, I really do, actually.

16. Are you going out of town soon?Not that I can think of. Unless UGA goes to the National Championship. Then I’m going to try to sell me soul for tickets with Jade. 😂

17. When was the last time you cried?Yesterday.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?Jesus Christ, I’m 27.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?No. I like my eyes.

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?Um no.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.Day’s over with, homie. But I slept hella late because I was up so late the night before and I hate that.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?These questions were made for teenagers.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?Nope.

24. What are you sitting on right now?I’m laying in bed.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?Of course.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?Oh yeah lol

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?Probably Audra.

28. Do you get a lot of colds?No.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Like Goodwill or some shit lol. Best place to get flannels tbh

30. Does anyone hate you?Well if they do, they’re probably stupid.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?Sighs. I’m 27.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?Not really.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Negative cap’n.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?I don’t think I would. But if I was going to, probably 2016 or 2013.

35. Did you have a dream last night?Not that I remember.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?I told my friend that when I left her house a couple hours ago.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?I really hope so but I’m not setting a time limit on that.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?I go back and forth on that every day.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?Perhaps.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?Not especially. It was fine.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?Hell no lol.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?Probably.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?Of course.

44. What’s the best part about school?Oh my god.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?🙄

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?🙄🙄🙄🙄

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?Definitely.

48. Were you single over the last summer?Oh yeah.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?Fuck no. Completely different in almost every way.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?Nothing.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?I don’t hate anyone.

52. Are you nice to everyone?No lol.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?Sure.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?Lmao. Checkmate.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?Probably not but I try to on the daily lol.

56. Do you think you like someone?Eh.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?Yeeepp lol. What awkward 2017 memories.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?Either.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?Like all of them.

60. Do you hate anyone?Nope.

61. How’s your heart?Doing it’s thang.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?Yeah.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?As a child, yes lol.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?I can’t imagine anyone is.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?Fuck no.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?Nah. They’re not usually mistakes regardless of the outcome.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?God, this is dumb.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?No, but they have ripped in public.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?Jessy.

70. How do you look right now?Zooted.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?Many good friends.

72. Can you commit to one person?Sure.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?Nope.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?Of course.

75. Did you wake up cranky?Nah. I was off work today.

76. Are you a jealous person?I’m probably one of the least jealous people you’ll ever meet, for real.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?They could be.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?Past tense.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?Not at this exact moment, no.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?Go to hell AKA Walmart.

81. Last person you cried in front of?Jade lol. Horrible story.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?Many.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?Yeah.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?Again, I’m cool with being alone right now.

85. Are you over your past?Parts of it.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?Like. As a teenager.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?Hasn’t this already been asked?

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?No. She’s been forgiven like 200 million times but there will not be a 201 millionth time.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?Uhhhh. Probably. But that would be fucking weird because we barely know each other lol. However, she does know where I live so in theory, I guess that could happen.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Yeah. For like 4 years lol.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?Doubtful.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?My dad.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?Yes, actually.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?Nope. Have been single for over a year.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?I was heartbroken and miserable in March lol. The person I was seeing was…not really someone I liked…🤷‍♀️ complicated.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?Yep.

97. Who do you have texts from?Bruh I have every text that’s ever been sent in this phone (from a year ago until now) lol

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?Yeah, no surprise there lol.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Yes.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?Just me and my lonesome.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?Fuck the fuck off.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?Yep.

[wozman23]

Roller Coasters and Car Wrecks: Both The Physical and The Emotional Kinds

I’ve recently taken a couple of trips to Six Flags, but those haven’t been the only roller coasters I’ve been on. And I’ve recently been part of or witnessed a few car wrecks. In every instance, these last few months have been absolutely absurd in the most beautifully nerve-racking of ways. For my own well being and sanity, I’ve needed to severely cut my time at Aldi for quite some time. Despite the fact that I’ll be losing about $1000 a month, I’ve now done that. I’m two weeks in to being a part timer. Yet I fear I pushed myself a bit too far for those eight months. The constant lack of sleep has seriously impaired me, yet I continued to push my limits despite countless signs. First off, many months ago, after a gym split shift that started at 5 AM and ended at I-don’t-even-remember-how-late PM, I backed into someone pulling out of a parking space in a Walmart parking lot. It was the most minor accident imaginable, but my insurance company didn’t give a damn. So when it came time to renew, they raised my rates, and I decided to stop carrying collision and comprehension on my 12 year old car. Then a few months back I destroyed two tires after falling asleep at the wheel. That was the most literal of wake up calls, and a $400 mistake. It was really the turning point that made me question how hard I was pushing myself. I’m still grateful that the situation wasn’t much worse. Then again, yesterday, while not paying enough attention while trying to maneuver my way out from a gas station and in to a turn lane through a few lanes of traffic stopped at a light, I took too narrow of a path when squeezing between vehicles and put a nasty scrape across my passenger side rear door and quarter panel when I brushed up against the bumper of a semi. On one hand I was pissed off! Why wasn’t I paying more attention?! It’s either something that’s gonna cost quite a chunk of change to fix, or it’s something that won’t be worth fixing and I’ll just have to stare at my mistake until it’s time for a new ride. On the other I was relieved that the semi driver didn’t care since the rigid metal bumper took pretty much zero damage, so all we did was shake hands and agree that we didn’t need to exchange insurance. So now my car, which looked alright when it moved to California, is in much worse shape these days. The right side alone has taken a rock to the windshield (hey, at least that one wasn’t my fault), some chipped paint on the rear bumper, and now a giant war wound. Like many cars on the road out here, it is beat up. I now joke that it’s my badge that I’m a true Angeleno. But, contrary to how it sounds, my life hasn’t completely been a series of car accidents. It’s had its ups as well. I’m fortunate that my gym job is a pleasure. I absolutely love it, my clients, and the vast majority of my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine a better, more fulfilling job. And just tonight I cemented a promotion by barely squeezing out the required amount of training sales dollars and supplement sales - largely in part thanks to my amazing clients and coworkers who pulled some favors for me to get close enough to those requirements, and me throwing a few hundred down on supplements knowing I will make my money back in the next three months.

But just as I lessened my role at Aldi, I’ve also lost some good clients. While my paychecks have been on the up-and-up, my overall net pay is in a state of flux right now. And if those sales numbers don’t maintain - which they’re trending not to - I take a demotion back to where I was after another three months. So I’m really uncertain on where that roller coaster is heading next. Couple that with the fact that I’m still clearly mentally and physically exhausted from both jobs and the continued effort of trying to make that relationship I was interested in work, I’ve been in a really weird headspace. That physical exhaustion also means that I’ve curtailed my workouts. I haven’t consistently run since my injury around six months ago, and my lifting has been the most inconsistent it’s been since I began this journey a few years ago. I don’t doubt that’s also influenced the uneasy feeling I’ve been having. Most days I’m still filled with chipper whimsy, but I’ve noticed my mood start to swing in less desirable directions. While it’s nowhere near as crippling as it once was, I’ve finally began to feel a normal, acceptable amount of anxiety about my future, which is to be expected from such chaos. I’m actually surprised it took this long. But that small level is actually nice to have again, because it lets me know I’ve crossed my limits. I wish it would have let me know months ago. Maybe then my car - which seems to be more and more representative of my battered psyche every day - wouldn’t have taken the brunt of the damage it has. Maybe this steam of consciousness would be more coherent, and maybe I’d have the energy to proof read it. Then the pinnacle! Tonight we were supposed to celebrate promotions at work by meeting for dinner. Reservations were made around a month ago, but it kept getting pushed back. Finally hitting my goals, I was invited hours before the event. So after putting in a full day at the gym striking out on getting that out of pocket cost of my supplements any lower- because I’m still not that great of a salesman - I picked up another $200 worth of amino acids, creatine, joint flex, and multivitamins, drove over to the place we were supposed to meet... and found out it had closed down a few weeks ago due to a fire. A backup plan hadn’t materialized yet, so being mentally and physically spent, I laughed it off and went home. And on the way home what should I find: a traffic jam. The cause: the same generation Corolla as mine with a crushed front end after rear ending someone on the 5 (see again I’m a true Angeleno because I don’t call the interstate I-5 anymore). I’ve had some pessimistic moments. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been desperate. I’ve questioned whether or not moving here was the right choice. Yet, despite all of my turmoil and absurdity, there are constant reminders that things could always be worse. My place of employment didn’t burn down and while my car may be unsightly, it is still drive-able. Thanks to killing myself with two jobs, I’ve nearly replaced all the money in my savings that I blew through to get established. Overall, I remain predominately optimistic. My roller coaster has the potential to be heading up. I’ll be making around $4 more per hour when training clients, which equates to around $22/hr. I’m coaching an all-time high of 7 Gold’s Burn classes a week, which gets me $32/hr. I’m getting more full nights of sleep, which is the thing I need the most. I’ve got more free time. I’ll have most weekends off. I went for a run today with a client and her husband - the one who I resigned that put me literally $10 over my sales goal. (As a thank you I bought her some protein powder.) I’m hoping I can make those runs a semiweek(end)ly occurrence with a few clients/friends. I’ll have more time to catch up on video games, a month’s worth of Conan episodes that I haven’t watched, and a few other shows. And despite a few missed opportunities on previous invites, I might have finally talked Lisa into coming to Six Flags with me and our mutual friend on July 10th. And maybe we’ll hit the water park later next month. When I went to Six Flags last weekend, one roller coaster was shut down almost the entire day. But it reopened just before close. We hopped in line, got all the way to the front, literally waiting to be the next to hop on... And then a car got stuck on the climb... We waited while they tried to fix it,and watched as the next person-less test car got stuck again. Many people behind us left. But in the end we stayed, they got it up and running, and we got to ride arguable the best ride there.

That’s me: I push through shit, stubbornly. I’m determined. I’m always looking to move forward. When I want to hit a goal for a half marathon, I do so at the expense of my ligaments. When I hit a curb, I don’t put the car in reverse. I just run it over. When I start to hear my car door scraping against a semi, instead of stopping I just let it scrape the whole way. It’s not always the smartest decision - clearly. Had I stopped, fixing a single small blemish on the door would have been a relatively cheap repair. But in other, not-car-destroying related instances, it can be a benefit. Life is fucking weird, and that’s why it’s fun. It reminds me of a snippet from a song I fell in love with that I found not long ago, Incandenza by Waking Aida. I posted it before, but it bears repeating: “When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life" - Sarah Kay

That poem eviscerates my soul for so many reasons. It exemplifies the last few years of my life perfectly. It reduces me to tears - happy tears. I honestly have no clue where this roller coaster is headed, but I’m enjoying the ride, the people I’m riding it with, and all its ups and downs. If you’ve made it this far into this post, or even just cared enough to skip to the bottom, thank you for being in my life. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for laughing with or at me. Thanks for inspiring me. I hope you see life through the same glasses I do. If I can give you but one thing, I hope it’s that childlike optimism.

[withgraceandlight99]

Through the Eyes of a Child - Chapter 2/?

My hiatus fic | Teen + | Read on AO3 | Chapter 1 

William's perspective of his dad's relationship with Felicity, 'Team Arrow', and maybe a girl named Zoe. But first, there's some heartbreak and pain, because this an Arrow fic after all.

A/N: This was well-received on AO3, so I decided to post another chapter! Hope everybody likes it!

                                               ~ Nightmares ~ 

He woke up for what seemed like the thousandth time in a row, screaming about his mom. And explosions. Adrian, threatening to kill him. Tonight, he’d killed his dad and Felicity, but he woke up just before the bombs went off. It didn’t help the terror, though. Maybe even made it worse, because now the three people who cared about him were dead.

“Hey, hey!” The door flew open and Oliver ran in. He sank to the edge of the bed, his hand outstretched towards him. “It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. Take a deep breath, okay? Breathe in through your nose.”  

William squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a shaky breath. He’d learned a lot about this the past two weeks. He’d had a few nightmares after what happened last year, but nothing like this. These dreams made breathing difficult, and they always brought someone into his room. Probably because both his dad and his ‘something’ had good ears. Tonight, he rolled to his side and pulled his knees to his chest. Maybe his old sleeping position would, by some miracle, make the pain go away. Or at least a little bit of it.

“Would you like to talk about it?” He got asked that every night. And every night, William said no.

Tonight was no different.

Except Oliver didn’t stay quiet.

“I have nightmares a lot too.”

Did he really have to hear this right now?

“Sometimes they’re about people I’ve lost. My dad. My mom. A lot of my friends. Sometimes they’re about me being unable to do something or stop someone from doing something. Either way, I’ve thrown Felicity out of bed several times and no matter how many times they’ve happened, they’re still scary.”

He didn’t want to talk about this right now. Maybe if Oliver went back in time and saved his mom, they could, but why talk about it? He was practically an orphan with a dad he barely knew. Who loved him a lot, and that was something he was happy and thankful for, but he’d been here for two weeks, and breathing still hurt. “I don’t really wanna talk about anything right now.”

“I know, William. And I understand what you went through.”

“You really don’t.”

The nightlight gave him a good view of the sad smile on his dad’s face. “I do, and someday, I’ll tell you about all that. But it’s not something you need to hear about right now. What you do need to know is that it helps to talk about it. I spent years hiding my feelings and issues from everyone, and it created a lot of problems. Take it from me and don’t do that. It hurts, but it helps.”

“Oliver?” Felicity stepped in the room, wrapped in a blanket. She walked to the bed and put her hand on Oliver’s shoulder. Something was communicated between looks—how they did that, he didn’t know—and she smiled.

Oliver cleared his throat. “Hey, William, do you wanna go get some ice cream?”

“It’s two in the morning.”

“I know, but I know where to get some good stuff.” Oliver got off the bed and beckoned to the door. “C’mon. There’s nothing like a midnight run to the grocery store.”

This was crazy. Since when did anybody do this? But his dad wasn’t budging, so he tossed back the covers and reached for the jacket on the ground. Something in him lightened a bit, and the sounds and scenes from the nightmare faded away at the idea of doing something crazy with his dad. “We better not actually have to run though.”

“And you’re not taking the bike either!” Felicity yelled at them as they descended the stairs. “He is way too young for that!”

“Don’t worry, honey, we won’t.” Oliver winked at William and pushed him out the front door. “We actually aren’t, because for one, I won’t ever escape her wrath about that, and two, I only have my Green Arrow bike here, and that wouldn’t be great to ride around.”

“Because not many people know you’re him, right?”

“More people than I’d like to admit, but most of them are friends and family.”

He’d met a lot of them. At the funeral. Though most of their names just blended together into a bunch of people who were sad for him. He didn’t really remember much of the past weeks. Lots of crying, and being angry. It was hard to do anything else except think about his mom.

But maybe for a few minutes, he could think about something else.

“What kind of ice cream do you like?”

“Really anything.”

Oliver shot him a look. “Oh, c’mon, bud. Everyone has a favorite ice cream. Even I do.”

“Okay, fine. Mint chip. Mom used to hate it, because apparently it has a weird taste, but…”

“Felicity can eat an entire thing of it, so we can get that. You might have to arm wrestle her for it, though.”

“Could I pay her off?”

Oliver let out a laugh. “No, she’s richer than I am, so I doubt you could do that.”

“How is she richer than you?”

“Because she is a lot smarter than I am.”

“I can see that.”

“Hey!”

William grinned and bounced in his seat a couple times at the sight of his dad’s face. Hurt. It almost looked real, except for the tiny smile that threatened to break into a laugh at any moment. “Hear me out for a second, though. She tells you who to go beat up, and you go and beat them up. It’s clear who’s the smart one.”

“Very true.” He nodded, and went silent for a few moments, before he looked at William in the passenger seat. “How’d you get so smart?”

“My mom maybe? But I’m eleven. I’ll be twelve in a few months.” He tried to ignore the rush of pain as he realized that his mom wouldn’t be here to celebrate his birthday. Ever again. “I’m not a little kid.”

“I’ve put that one together.”

They rode in silence the rest of the way to Walmart. As he stepped out, William caught Oliver sliding a gun inside his jacket. It should’ve been a repulsive idea to him, but with a gun and his dad next to him, he would stay safe.

Maybe this was his life now.

A year and a half ago, he liked playing with the Flash and Captain Cold and flying kites. Then a man named Malcolm Merlyn took him to a house with a nice girl who liked action figures as well. It hadn’t been too scary until afterwards, when his mom explained to him that he was Matthew now, not William. It was like he didn’t realize the danger that they were in until then. But she never explained why. Only that it was probably because of an old friend who had a tendency to get angry. Which, thinking about it now, was a big lie.

But he’d started living as Matthew and it wasn’t too bad. His Green Arrow action figure still sat on its special shelf, but now it was different. The man – whoever he was – had saved his life. He still played with him every now and then, but he couldn’t get himself into it. Not when everything seemed so much more real.

And now he knew why that man saved him. Granted, he would’ve saved anybody, but he did everything he could to get him home, and that guy turned out to be his dad.

He didn’t want to play with that action figure anymore.

The Green Arrow was a person.

Along with the Flash, and even the bad guys. They lost people, and they cried. A lot. And sometimes they had nightmares.

Just like normal people.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

William shook himself out of his trance and looked up at Oliver. “Nothin’.”

“You know you can talk to me, right? I know I haven’t been in your life but—”

“I know. But I’m thinking about you right now, and you probably wouldn’t want to talk about that.”

“I’m okay talking about myself.”

“Okay. Then what happened to your mom?”

Oliver sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me exactly what happened, but I just want to know. Please?”

“She was, uh, murdered. By a man named Slade Wilson. And yes, that’s all you’re going to get.”

Which he was perfectly fine with if he didn’t know that Slade Wilson was on the island. According to the conversation he overheard on the way home, that man died trying to protect his mom. Was anything about anything uncomplicated? “Didn’t he…?”

“We’ll save that conversation for a later time. For now, ice cream.” Oliver opened the freezer doors and pulled out two things of mint chip, put them in William’s arms, and turned back for more.

“Are you sure we need more than two?”

“Do you doubt me?”

“A little bit.”

Oliver chuckled and pulled out two more tubs of ice cream. “Eventually the team will come back from a much-needed break, and they’ll all be happy that they have this to eat. Because most of them can’t cook.”

“Felicity’s a good cook, though.”

His dad’s eyebrows shot up. “Where’d you get that idea?”

“The food…I don’t really remember much but the food has been really good.”

“That’s actually been me cooking.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” the word came out in a laugh as they walked towards the checkout. “That was me.”

“I didn’t know you could cook.” Duh. It wasn’t like he knew him much before this week. Oliver had come a lot last year, but they’d always played action figures and a few video games. He was super good at that, but it never crossed his mind that that food wasn’t Felicity’s handy work. Which led to a bigger question. “So…can she cook at all?”

“No.”

“That’s kind of a definite answer.”

“Well, she’s hopeless, so…”

 Half an hour later, Oliver set three bowls of ice cream on the table and sat down next to Felicity, who still wore a blanket around her shoulders. William reached for the spoon but stopped when she cleared her throat.

“Honey, do you think that’s enough ice cream?” The words were laced with sarcasm.

Oliver leaned forward to look at William’s bowl and shrugged. “I was about to put more in there.”

Felicity narrowed her eyes.

“I’m kidding. I promise I will never serve that much dessert again. But it’s a special occasion, so we’re having extra. Plus, all of us need to eat more.”

It wasn’t like he’d eaten much lately. William nodded in agreement and started eating. When Felicity still didn’t look convinced, he raised his spoon. “I need it.”

“See? He agrees.”

 It was three-thirty when they finished their ‘food’. William stared at the stairs leading to his makeshift bedroom, his stomach knotting. He didn’t wanna go back up there. That’s where pain happened and where his mom died every night. He glanced at Oliver, who was watching him from the kitchen. “I’m not really…I’m not really tired.”

“I assumed you’d say that. Thankfully, I’m what Felicity calls a ‘night owl’, so I’ll stay down here with you. We could watch a movie.”

“It has to be something that isn’t scary.”

“Well, thankfully,” he flipped on the TV and clicked on Netflix, “Curtis doesn’t like anything that isn’t sappy or a children’s movie, so we have plenty of options.” He glanced at him, questions in his eyes. “I-I don’t really know what kids your age like to watch. You can pick.”

“Despicable Me?”

“What is that?”

“You’ve never watched that one?”

“I-I’ve…never really had a kid before.”

“Well, we gotta watch it. C’mon.” He hopped onto the couch and pulled the blanket over his lap. Oliver took a seat next to him and set his feet on the coffee table. As the movie progressed, William looked up at his dad who was staring at the TV screen, but, at least from his deadpan face,  not actually watching the movie. “Hey, about that nightmare tonight?”

“What about it? “

“It’s not just about this one. All of them have been about Adrian and my mom dying. But tonight, he killed you and Felicity too. He broke your necks.”

Oliver flashed him a sad smile. “Thanks for telling me.”

“I miss her a lot, Oliver.” He didn’t want to cry during one of his favorite movies, but he couldn’t stop himself like some people. “I miss her so much.”

“I know, buddy. It gets easier, though. I promise.”

He sat there, tears running down his face, trying to put himself back together. But his dad clearly had. Several times, actually. His mom and dad died, and some friends. Who knew how many there were? So he knew how to somehow be okay again. “What do you do?”

“When life really, really sucks?”

“Yeah.”

Oliver shrugged, his eyes wandering to the photos on the counter. William had looked at them a few times. One was of his dad and Thea, another one of Oliver and the guy named Dig at a wedding. But the best one was the one of him and Felicity. Clearly she was there for him the most when life really sucked. “I guess…it takes a while to figure everything out. It’s not always easy, but there’s some happy times. The trick is to go straight to the people you love the most because they can help. And William, I’m sorry if you don’t get that—”

“No, you have.” If there was anything he needed to say, it was that. “And I’m glad that I’m here.”

That made him smile. Oliver shifted on the couch and gestured to the TV. “Wanna finish the movie?”

When he woke up several hours later, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets with the coffee table pushed up against the couch so he wouldn’t fall off, he closed his eyes again and smiled. Just a little bit. Because this was the first time since Adrian kidnapped him that he woke up without a nightmare.