#My dreams are either a clusterfuck or a movie and there is no in between

[hendratds]

Religious Robots

Esh’s Dream Journal: Entry 4

Bringing this back, because why not. But this time, I’m writing it all out in a full fic. Warning, this is a long post (it was 22 pages long in Word)

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The following is a recalling of a dream I had. This is by no means meant to be accurate. Characters are guaranteed to act OOC and events are sure to be jumbled and will make no sense. After all, this is a dream and not a well thought out fic. But anyway, enjoy!

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             When I fell into the deep void of sleep, I had a very strong feeling that things were about to so into weird dream town. As the world of reality faded and I felt myself diving into the deep abyss that is the mind, I started hearing something. It sounded like rain drumming against the roof of a car. There was no engine running, but I felt like I was sitting in a car seat.

           When I finally opened my eyes, I was indeed in a car. It looked like the inside of a Jeep Cherokee. No memories of my life in reality were present. All I knew was my name and my powers from my imagination world.

           I was wrapped in a soft blanket (that I later remember to be a larger version of my childhood kiddy blanket), seated in the passenger side of the car. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know how I got here. After a few moments of contemplation, I sat up and began examining my surroundings in more detail.

           There was no one else in the car. The keys were in the ignition but were not turned. There were no decorations other than the plush toy bunny hanging from the rear-view mirror. After freeing myself from the softness that was my blanket, I grabbed the car keys and exited the vehicle, determined to find out where I was and what to do. When I got out, there was no rain. Had I imagined the rain? Was it a part of a radio broadcast? I don’t know.

           I found myself on the outskirts of a city. To the back of the car was a large, towering cityscape. The buildings rose up into the sky, and the silver and glass made it shine in the setting sun. The sky showed it to be nearing dusk. A clear day, with the sun setting behind the buildings and giving the city an almost ethereal glow.

           To the front of my car, down the road I was parked on, was a flat plain with no end in sight. The road went straight into the horizon, which showed no faraway structures. I could only guess that it was a vast meadow with no real end. The next settlement must be far away.

           As I twirled the keys around, trying to decide on my next course of action, I hear a voice.

           “Hey! Over here!”

           Startled, I turned to see someone approaching. A tall young man with silver hair and bright aqua eyes. I recognized him almost instantly as Riku from Kingdom Hearts. He was wearing the attire he wore within the game Dream Drop Distance. He was waving at me and jogging to approach.

           I waved back, of course. I couldn’t just be the broody girl on the side of the road. When Riku reached me, he spoke again.

           “Hey, are you okay with giving me a lift?” he asked. “I need to get to the next big city,”

           “Of course!” I replied. “Though… I can’t guarantee I’ll know the way. I mean, I don’t even know where I am right now,”

           “What do you mean?” Riku asked.

           “I kinda just… woke up here?” I looked up into the darkening sky, squinting my eyes as I try to find the right words to describe my situation. “I don’t really remember much of what I was doing before this, but I do know that I just woke up in this car. I don’t know where I am or what to do,”

           Riku seemed to take a moment to take in what I said. He looked like he wanted to ask a question but couldn’t find the words. He also seemed concerned, as if my situation was something he was familiar with.

           “I mean, if it’s a straight shot down this road, I could probably take you there. I know the basics of how the drive,” I continued, my memories of only having one driving lesson in a run down parking lot evading my mind. “Maybe it’ll also help me remember what happened to me,”

           “Maybe,” Riku replied. “Do you know anything else?”

           “I know who you are,” I said immediately. This caught him off guard, as he seemed to tense up a little. “Like, I don’t know why I know who you are,” I added quickly. “I know your name is Riku, and I know of Sora and your journey with King Mickey and all that. I don’t know why I know, but I do,”

           Riku didn’t respond. I can only guess it was from being on guard. I could see why, though. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to respond if someone was telling me the same thing.

           “My name is Esh, I know that,” I said. “I’m not sure I can really remember much else except my powers, but I’m not too sure if I can use them or not. I don’t know my situation,”

           “Perhaps… You can test them out?” Riku said slowly, as if he was unsure whether or not to say it. “We’re in a rather big field right now, after all,”

           “That is true,” I nodded, looking down at my hand and flexing my fingers into a fist a couple times. For a moment, there was a bout of silence. Riku seemed to be sizing me up, wondering if I was a threat or not. Given the information presented, I’m not surprised he was on his guard. I decided to take the bull by the horns.

           “I… I think I can understand that hearing me say I know about you and stuff would come off as… untrustworthy. I’m pretty sure I raised a lot of red flags,” I told him. His eyes widened, as if he wasn’t expecting me to address this. “I don’t know how to prove it to you, but I can assure you that I’m telling the truth. I really have no idea how I got here or where I am. And frankly, I just want to find out what happened. And if helping you is what I need to do, then I’ll do it,”

           After my speech, I stood up straight and sighed. I really didn’t like making speeches like this. I was always afraid of messing up my words. I’m glad I was able to get it out without any hassle.

           “I see,” I heard Riku mumble. My head shot up to face him. He was deep in thought, his arms crossed and fingers on his chin. “If you really have lost your memories like it seems, then perhaps I can help. Where I’m going should be a place that can help you,”

           “Really?” I asked. I found myself smiling with relief. I really didn’t like being kept in the dark about this stuff. “Thank you, Riku. I mean it,”

           “It’s the least I can do, since you’re offering to take me on a road trip,” Riku replied. “It’ll be a long drive. Are you up for it?”

           “I’ve sat in a car for an entire day, for three days before. I can handle this,” I responded, giving my chest a light punch. “Ah, but… I do still need to test if I can use my powers. I don’t want to be a burden in battle, you know?”

           “What powers do you have?” Riku asked as we began making our way away from the car and towards the open grassland.

           “I have an elemental control over something called Atomic Fire,” I explained. “It’s a really bright blue fire that sparks a lot and explodes on contact with… anything really,”

           For a moment, I almost began explaining to him my powers over Darkness as the Incarnation of Darkness. But knowing his experience with the dark, I kept my mouth shut on that. I probably wouldn’t need those powers anyway.

           “Really?” Riku tilted his head a little. “Sounds pretty useful for area damage,”

           “When you have a lot of control over the energy of it, you can do a lot of things,” I explained. “I can use the heat and energy from the fire to create a strong laser beam, I can set things on fire without it exploding, I can use it’s power to give myself a speed and power boost… It took a lot of training and a special artifact to help me learn all I could about it,”

           “Well, let’s see if you can do it,” Riku gestured to the open pasture. There were not animals from what I could see. I stepped forward and breathed in. I really hoped I could use my element. I didn’t want to look like a fool in front of my favorite Kingdom Hearts character by dancing like a drunken pelican.

           I closed my eyes and searched for the unstable heat I had grown to know, deep within my Being. I opened my eyes and swung a hand back, fingers clenched like I was holding a baseball and arm ready to fling forward as if I was throwing one. I swung my arm forward, and out came a wave of sparking, scorching hot blue. The Atomic Fire raced out of my hand and into the air, quickly igniting the oxygen and exploding out like a missile.

           The blast startled me, and I found myself jumping back as the explosion flattened the grass and scorched the ground in front of me. The flames soon turned into black smoke, rising up from the aftermath. I turned to Riku, who looked just as startled, if not more, as I was.

           “Well… I guess it works!” I said as the resonating boom faded like rolling thunder.

           “That is some power,” Riku told me. “I’m sure nothing would stand a chance against that,”

           “Well, it’s only if I can do anything to them,” I replied, shaking my hand out. “You fight Dream Eaters, Heartless, and Nobodies. Heartless and Nobodies? Yeah, I think I’d be able to do that. But Dream Eaters? I don’t know,”

           “They are a tricky bunch,” Riku agreed. “But you never know until you try. If we run into any Nightmares, I’ll take care of them,”

           “If my fire doesn’t work on them, that is!” I told him with a wagging finger. “But your Keyblade is one nifty weapon. I’m sure we’ll be safe,”

           “I agree,” Riku said. “Now, shall we go? It’s better to go before the sun completely sets,”

           “Agreed,” I followed Riku back to the car. This time, he took the passenger seat and I took to the drivers seat. I started up the car, we buckled up like good people, and began driving down the road.

           “It is basically just a straight shot,” Riku explained. “This road directly connects the two cities,”

           “If I may ask, what’s in the next city?” I asked him. “You know, the reason why you’re going there?”

           “Well- Ah, you said already know about what happened… The keyhole for this world is in the next city. I need to get there to unlock it,” Riku explained.

           “So, this is a slumbering world, I guess?” I pondered. Riku nodded, responding with a mhm! before continuing.

           “Master Yen Sid told me and Sora that we needed to enter the Sleeping Realm,” Riku explained. “It took a couple of tries for Sora to get into it. I think this is my second attempt. I found Nightmares in the city behind us, so I can only guess that I made it,”

           “For your Mark of Mastery Exam, right?” I asked.

           “Yeah,” Riku said.

           “It must be so cool to be a Keyblade wielder,” I said, leaning back onto my seat. “I mean, I get all the training and discipline and experience, but I’d choose that over my life before I woke up here. It’s pretty boring,”

           “You can control an explosive fire, how is your life boring?” the silver haired boy asked me.

           “Well, I do remember that I was kinda stuck in a way,” I began explaining. Memories of my fantasy situations in reality came forth, but I believed them to be reality. “I’m not sure how, but I was stuck in full human form, all my powers locked away. My current theory is that I was blasted back in time and forced to live a human life. Frankly, it’s getting a little tiresome,”

           A paused for a moment. “I guess this is a little breath of fresh air. I can use my powers again, but it looks like I’m still in human form,”

           “What form are you usually?” Riku asked.

           “Well, it’s a little complicated,” I said, watching the passing scenery as we went down the road. “I’m about… less than 25 percent human? The rest is alien, alien deity, and Primordial. It’s all really confusing. I don’t even understand it totally yet,”

           “That does sound confusing,” Riku told me, though I could tell he didn’t fully believe me. To which I could understand.

           “It’s all really jumbled,” I sighed. “It would take an entire book series to explain it all,”

           “Well, we have time. Explain away,” Riku assured me.

           I took a good three hours explaining my origin story from my fantasy worlds. The sky turned black with the night and the stars shone like there was no light pollution. Riku was an amazing listener and asked plenty of questions. I also caved in and explained to him my powers over darkness. At the end, he nodded in understanding.

           “What is your… opinion on Darkness?” he asked me. “I know you have powers over it and were born into it… but what do you think about it?”

           “It’s a part of our existence,” I answered with full confidence. “Dark. Light. It makes up everything that we know. Darkness isn’t evil. And Light isn’t good. It’s what a person does with it that matters,”

           “I… I didn’t think about that,” Riku said after a moment of silence.

           “Balance is… What I strive for,” I added. “I know a perfect balance is impossible, but I do try to keep it as centered as possible in my life. Because tipping the balance is never a good idea,”

           “I do agree with that,” Riku said, staring off into the dark sky.

           “It’s pretty late. Why not get some sleep?” I offered to the Keyblade wielder. “I just woke up, technically,”

           “That sounds good,” Riku said. He shifted into a more comfortable position and began to doze off. I leaned into my seat and let my mind wonder while still focusing on the road. It was a lot to take in at the time. I woke up in a weird car, in a strange place, with my powers back. It was so ethereal it didn’t feel like it should’ve been real. It was kind of ironic.

           I didn’t know how long it would take to actually make it to the next city. I hoped it wasn’t too long, as I was getting hungry. After a good long while of driving, I saw something up ahead. It was a rest stop. The brightening sky showed that the sun was on its way to rising. Slowing down, I turned into the rest stop and parked. I then turned to Riku.

           “Hey, Riku,” I called, shaking his shoulder. He started, looking up and around as if disoriented.

           “We stopped?” he asked, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

           “At a rest stop,” I confirmed. “We don’t know how long it’ll be until we reach the next city. Might as well stock up on some food while we’re here,”

           “Good idea,” Riku said. We exited the car in unison and entered the rather fancy looking rest stop building. The inside was dressed with marble and carved stone, with silver chandeliers hanging from the pointed ceiling. I found myself gazing around at the décor, wondering if I should take a picture for future reference for my drawings. As I looked around, I heard one of the vending machines vend something. Switching my gaze from the room to the machine, I saw Riku grabbing a couple of drinks.

           “Here,” he held one out to me. I couldn’t discern the label. It was a brand I had never seen before, but I took it nonetheless.

           “Thanks!” I replied. Opening it, I took a swig. It tasted like a citrus soda, with a hint of Mountain Dew. It was really good.

           “Ah, that’s good. Lemme get us some breakfast,” I said, pointing to the other vending machine that was filled with snacks. “Any preferences?”

           “Just no sour stuff,” Riku told me. I took out my wallet, but Riku stopped me from taking any money out. “Watch this,” he said.

           Summoning his Keyblade, Riku punched in the number of what he wanted and then proceeded to hit the side of the machine with his weapon. The vending machine then proceeded to vend out the wanted product.

           “Whoa,” I said. “I didn’t know that Keyblades could do that,”

           “I didn’t either until now,” Riku responded. We proceeded to get one of each item and three of each of our favorite snacks.

           “If I can down this,” I was holding a large chunk of black licorice. “In one bite, then you have to drive,”

           “That stuff is horrible,” Riku looked disgusted at the mere thought of eating it. “I highly doubt you’ll win that bet,”

           “You wanna wager?” I said before stuffing the black candy into my mouth. It tasted like burning rubber and NyQuil, and I nearly gagged it back up. But I kept a straight face (Lord Chaos knows how I did that), and then swallowed it. Riku looked stunned.

           “Did… Okay, I guess I’m driving,” Riku said. I silently tossed him the keys and took a deep breath. He caught the keys, and then stepped forward to look at my face. “Are you okay?” he asked.

           “That shit was horrendous,” I said in an overly dramatic voice and as blank of a face as I could keep. The result was worth it. I grinned as Riku chuckled, clearly amused by my antics. Mission accomplished: make Riku laugh.

           “Hey, let’s see if there a map somewhere,” I said, slinging the bag of snacks over my shoulder. “That way we can get a better grasp of how far away our final stop is,”

           “Sounds good,” Riku agreed.

           We looked around the building and found no map. There was no other floor other than the ground floor, and I wasn’t one for acrobatics. Riku made sure to check above in the rafters for some reason. The walls were bare of any map or indication of a map’s whereabouts. I thought maybe there was a map somewhere outside?

           “Hey, I’mma go check if there are any maps outside!” I called up to Riku.

           “Wait! What if Nightmares-” Riku called back, but I had already turned and exited out the door.

           The air outside was crisp and clear like it was in the winter, yet it wasn’t cold. It was quite warm, but a comfortable warm. Like the kind of warm you would feel when you’re wrapped up in a blanket.

           I looked around the front of the building. Through the window, I saw Riku jump down from the rafters and onto the floor. He raced out of the building and to me.

           “Hey, don’t just go wondering off like that,” he said.

           “Sorry, I thought it was a good idea,” I said, not feeling much remorse or guilt. “You know, splitting up to cover more ground?”

           “Nightmares could appear anywhere,” Riku argued. “We need to stick together in case they ambush us,”

           I placed my hand up in surrender as Riku wagged an accusing finger at me, as if he was scolding a child for breaking the movie the parent’s had planned to watch that same night.

           “Okay, okay!” I said. “Lead the way then,”

           Riku gave me a curt nod of approval, then began leading me around the building. We checked the right side first, which consisted of a few cobblestone columns and flat marble walls. Using the parkour skills I had apparently developed, I climbed the cobblestone and checked the roof. Riku followed close behind.

           As I examined the shingles, I noticed a tall chimney that reached four or five times higher than the actual rest stop building. I thought to myself Hey, maybe I can try and get a better vantage point from up there!, and began to climb. The chimney was made of a reflective metal that crunched easily in my hands, allowing me to create hand and foot holds for myself as I climbed. The actual structure of the chimney didn’t seem affected by the dents I was creating, as it stood tall and proud and unmoving.

           Once I reached the top, I balanced myself into a one foot crouching position, holding on to the chimney with one hand as I shielded my eyes from the sun with my other. The plains were vast and ongoing. There weren’t even any trees or shrubs, it was just flat grassy land with no imperfections in the landscape.

           To the south I spotted the tiny dot of the city me and Riku left behind. It was so small that I almost didn’t notice it had I not checked the road. To the north, the road continued on. For a moment, I did not notice anything else until I squinted my eyes and saw the faint, foggy outline of buildings in the distance. They resembled skyscrapers.

           “Hey, Riku!” I called down.

           “Did you see anything?” Riku called up.

           “Yeah, I see a settlement up ahead!” I announced. I jumped down without a second thought, landing hard but unscathed. I dusted myself off. “Did you find anything?”

           “Yeah, I think I saw someone near the back of the building,” Riku responded. “Let’s go talk to them,”

           “Roger that!” I saluted, following Riku again as we hopped down from the roof and into the back of the rest stop.

           The back area was shaded my a large stone canopy, with benches sitting comfortably in the shade and two pill shaped garden beds under both corners of the awning. On one of the benches sat a middle aged man with a greying beard, a pipe hanging from his lips, a fishing hat on his head and fishing attire adorning his body. I wanted to question why a fisherman was out here in the middle of a pondless plain, but I knew I needed to focus on the task at hand.

           The man was holding and reading through a newspaper. He didn’t look up as me and Riku approached him.

           “Excuse me?” Riku started. The man did not move other than turning the page of his article of literature.

           “Uhm, hello? I need some directions,” Riku tried again, with no response once more. Riku looked to me, as if hoping I would step up. And step up I did, walking up to the mand and flicking his newspaper to get his attention. The man started violently, looking up at me with wide eyes.

           “Oh, I’m sorry!” he said. He had the voice of someone who had smoked a lot, as the voice was hoarse and gravely and it grated on my ears. “I get so distracted…”

           “It’s fine,” I say, taking a step back. “Sorry to startle you, but me and my friend here need some directions to…?”

           I turned to Riku, who nodded and aided me.

           “Satellite City,” Riku responded. “We’re heading to Satellite City. You wouldn’t happen to know how far it is, do you?”

           “Oh, that big town?” the man rubbed at his beard, as if it itched and he wanted to rip it off. “It’s a good three day drive if you’re coming from Crown City, to the south,”

           “That’s where we came from,” I say with a nod. “And what about the settlement just north of here? I saw some buildings,”

           “Oh…” the man seemed to shrink back and deflate, as if he was trying to hide away from the topic and mere thought of my question. “Regional Center. It’s a messed up place, kids. You best just drive pass it without lookin’ at it. It’s nothing but trouble,”

           “What do you mean?” Riku asked.

           “They used to be the most advanced settlement between the two main cities,” the man explained, his eyes darkening and his face growing solemn, as if he was dragging out a horrid memory. “But they’re under a new management, and since then the place has become akin to a cult haven,”

           “Is there anything else we should know?” I asked, my curiosity about this place growing by the second.

           “If you do end up stopping there… Don’t speak to anyone. Their words will crawl into your brain and never leave,” the man whispered.

           “Thank you, sir,” Riku said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I took that as a sign it was time to leave before things got weird. I gave the man a warm farewell, and we made out way back to the car.

           “Three days, huh?” I sighed, resting my head in my hands as I reached up to place them behind my head. “Well, we already got passed one night, so we have two and a half days to go,”

           “And we don’t have time to spare,” Riku said, making his way to the driver’s side of the car. “Get in, let’s go,”

           I got into the passenger’s seat and watched as Riku started up the car and began driving down the road. I eyed the silhouette of the town that was named Regional Center as it got closer and closer. It looked like a cluster of skyscrapers in the area of a small town that could barely fit 500 people.

           “I wonder how bad it really is,” I pondered out loud. “From technological prodigy to cult club haven? That’s a story waiting to be told,”

           “If they are in trouble, then maybe we do have to make a stop,” Riku commented. “Even then, we’re running low on gas. We need to stop to refill anyway,”

           “Oh, that sounds fun,” I drawled out sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Let’s hope we don’t have to talk to anyone. I know how it feels to get words stuck in my head. It’s not fun,”

           Regional Center was, indeed, like a miniature city. The signpost that told that we were entering the town was old, rusty, and told of a population of under 500 people. As we drove around in search of a petrol station, I surveyed the land and the people. The people seemed okay, though their outfits looked to belong in America’s colony days. The buildings were mostly old and run down brick buildings. The tall skyscrapers with modern perks and designs seemed further down the road. The architecture was all over the place, giving the settlement a wacky aesthetic.

           “I can’t see one, you?” Riku asked, eyeing the people staring at us as we stopped at a stop light.

           “Nope. Perhaps we have to ask around?” I offered.

           “Good idea,” Riku agreed. After the light turned green, Riku exited the intersection and pulled to the side of the road. I rolled the window down and waved over a couple of old ladies. They hobbled up to me with identical smiles.

           “Excuse me, can you tell me where the nearest gas station is?” I asked them.

           “The only fuel you need is His grace,” the ladies said in perfect unison. “He shall make us human, like the Father promised us,”

           “He?” I asked. “And what do you mean human?”

           “The one called God,” said one of the old ladies. “We’re modern creations of men, with metal skin and electricity for blood. He will turn us to flesh and bone,”

           “Ooookay…?” I raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re all robots?”

           The ladies nodded.

           “And you believe that Christo will turn you in humans?”

           A synced nod.

           “That’s great. Can you please tell me where the nearest petrol station is?” I asked, wanting to end the conversation.

           “We already said-“ the ladies began, but Riku tapped my shoulder.

           “We can probably find it in that modern looking place,” Riku said to me. “Let’s look there,”

           “NO!” the old ladies screamed, bringing attention to our car from the surrounding automatons. “You mustn’t go where the sinners go!” the old women said, reaching to me. I quickly raised my window, and they knocked on it.

           “Sorry, but we’re trying to get to Satellite City. We need gas,” I told them as Riku began to pull away.

           “Don’t let them drag you down!” the ladies screamed. “They’ll doom you to the pit!”

           “Oh great, religious robots,” I mumbled, leaning back into my seat.

           “It’s quite weird, I’ll give it that,” Riku said with a nod. “I’ve seen some weird things, but this takes the cake,”

           “If I’m right…” I started. “If they call the modern place the place where sinners are, then that probably means the people there don’t follow the religious teachings. Extremists tend to outcast those who don’t agree with them,”

           “Do you think we’ll get more info on what’s going on from them, too?” Riku suggested.

           “Probably. Maybe we can even help them,” I offered with a mischievous grin. “You know, overthrow the corrupt extremists and save the town and become small town heroes?”

           “Your mind is weird,” Riku said. At that moment, I had a small jolt in my body. My mind was weird. My mind usually came up with weird things. Things as weird as this. I began looking around at things in more detail. Though I didn’t know why there was something buzzing in the back of my mind, I feel that this was the first hint of the true nature of this adventure.

           As we approached the towering silver buildings, the denizens were all waving at us and yelling, trying to tell us to turn around before we entered the territory we were heading towards. Some of the robots even tried to jump in front of our car, but Riku deftly dodged them and kept driving forward.

           Once the road went from gravel to asphalt, the people in the town behind us stopped yelling. They stared at us with unblinking eyes filled with sorrow, disappointment, and anger. Oh well for them, I thought.

           The modern part of the town was mostly desolate. No lights were on, the streets were empty, as plastic bags and paper flew around like modern day tumbleweeds. Riku pulled over and parked. I immediately climbed on top of the car and looked around, trying to see any movement.

           “Hello!” I called out, cupping my hands around my mouth to amplify my voice.

           “Hey-“ Riku looked ready to shush me, his brows furrowed. But I continued.

           “Is anyone there?” I called out. “We need some gas for our car!”

           My voice echoed off into the distance, bouncing off the buildings and fading away. There was a long pause, and then I saw movement in the buildings. All of the buildings. Metal heads began popping up, their eyes glowing blue and staring at us. Human shaped machines, looking more cybernetic than the robots of the older looking part of town, began emerging. They had silver and white plating for skin and black, wire covered indo-skeletons.

           “Over here,” came a heavily automated voice. Me and Riku turned to see a robot sporting a platinum blonde wig and wearing a scarf like a sash.

           “Hello!” I greeted as a slip down off the car and to Riku’s side.

           “Greetings,” the adorned robot said. “I’m glad you got through our counterpart’s territory. They can get drastic when it comes to stopping people from coming here,”

           “Well, I’m Riku. This is Esh,” Riku introduced us.

           “You may call me Andra,” the robot told us. “I am the… leader of these outcasts,”

           “If I may ask, what made you all outcasts?” I asked.

           “Before that, allow me to do you a favor,” Andra said. She turned to a group of five robots. “You, go and scavenge the gas from the petrol station for them,”

           The group wordlessly got up and began jogging away.

           “Thank you,” Riku said, watching the robots run towards their quest.

           “It’s no problem. Please, let us sit down,” Andra led me and Riku to the sidewalk, where some more cybernetics had laid down some blankets and milk crates for seats. I took to sitting up against the nearest building.

           “I’m sure you’ve heard, but our village was once the center for all technology,” Andra began as Riku sat down. “That is why a majority of the population is synthetic. However, the scientists once guided this town perished to disease. And in their place rose… the Father. He and his group quickly began spreading the words of their beliefs around. Now, this wasn’t a problem. We synthetics didn’t mind following the belief,”

           “So, what happened that made everything go downhill?” Riku asked.

           “It wasn’t long before the Father began preaching illogical things,” Andra said. “He told us that if we followed his word, the almighty would turn us human. He and his human followers had fed us all the wonders of being biological. We didn’t think anything of it until he began making us follow a mundane, repeating schedule. Wake up from recharging during the night, go to church, pray, and then sing to the heavens in hopes God will send an envoy to grant us true life. We were forbidden from diverging from this schedule,”

           “What happens if you do?” I asked them, leaning forward like an excited child listening to a campfire story.

           “We’re sent here, to the last remnants of the old days,” Andra responded. “We oppose the word of the almighty by opposing the Father’s word. Thus, we are banished here to rust away,”

           “You all don’t seem to be rusting,” Riku pointed out. Andra gave us a rather poor attempt of what seemed to be a smile.

           “The Father didn’t count of us being able to build charging stations and sustain ourselves,” the adorned robot said.

           “Maybe we can help?” I offered, earning a glance from Riku. I ignored him and continued. “Is there any way to talk to the Father?”

           “The Father is very set in his ways,” Andra said, shaking her head.

           “I can be very persuasive,” I assured Andra. “Here,” I stood up, placing my hands on my hips and standing proudly. “I’ll go talk to the Father. I’ll see if I can plant the seeds of doubt into the circuits of your brainwashed brethren by hitting them with logic,”

           “I hope you can,” Andra said. Riku stood as well.

           “I guess we’re doing this…” he said with a sigh. He shook her head and rubbed the area between his eyes with his knuckles, then looked to me. “In that case, I’ll stay here and work out a strategy for these robots. If Esh can talk to the Father into letting you guys back into their society, or something similar, then you will need some strategy of entering,”

           “I concur,” Andra said, standing up and extending a hand to each of us. Me and Riku shook her hand, which felt strangely warm for a hand made of metal.

           “Alright! Any idea where I can find the Father?” I asked, pumping my fists like an excited child.

           “You may find him at the church near the road,” Andra pointed to the northwest. “Today, the town should be gathering to sing chorus,”

           “Alright! Good luck, Riku. I’m off!” I said, and I turned to run back into the run-down part of the settlement. In order to save time, I leapt onto the building’s roofs and began jumping from roof to roof. The streets and sidewalks were now bare of any denizens, probably gathered at the church to sing.

           I closed the distance to the road and followed it north until I saw a red brick, rectangular building with a stone cross on each wall. I heard the echoes of singing automated voices coming from that building, so I could only conclude that it was the church.

           I hopped down from the roof and snuck around the building to the front. I slowly peeked around the corner and bore witness to the largest congregation of singing robots I had ever seen. They were all wearing block robes (except for those who resembled old women), and were throwing their voices up towards the sky. I stepped out of hiding and tried to wave at them, but they didn’t seem to notice me in the slightest. I weaved around the congregation, trying to spot anyone who looked like the Father. As I realized that I should’ve asked what the Father looked like, I spotted someone walking through the mass.

           I quickly gave chase and found the man slowly walking down a pathway walled by the mass of robots. The Father wore a long black rode with dark blue and faded yellow trim. He resembled the fisherman from the rest stop, only his beard was shorter, scruffier, and was dark brown in color instead of grey. He wore large framed, black glasses and had his arms spread like he was expecting someone to hug him.

           “Excuse me?” I called. The Father didn’t seem to acknowledge me.

           “Hello? Father? I need to talk to you!” I called, but to no avail.

           I raced up to him with plans to grab his robe to get his attention, but the Father turned at the last second and dodged me without losing a beat to the harmony of the music. This continued for a long moment, with me calling to him and him dodging my attempt to grab at his robes.

           It was as he dodged me again and I stumbled to land on the ground that I had an idea. I got up, dusted myself off, and made my way to the church building. I used some loose bricks to help me climb to the flat, brick roof. Once I was situated and was looking over the entire group, I took a deep breath.

           Reaching in and tapping into the darkness I had come to know and represent, my form made a very flashy and very noticeable change. In a flash of light that turned into rays of black shadow, I found myself cloaked in a vantablack cloak. My hands were adorned with black, clawed gloves, and I wore black boots with rattling chains wrapped around them. Giant, black, feathered wings exploded out of my back, spreading up and reaching up to block out the dawn sun.

           Needless to say, the mass ceased singing.

           “Who are you?” called the man who I thought was the Father.

           “What my name is is none of your concern,” I announced. “I have a few questions for you and your followers, Father. Let us all speak inside,”

           I gestured to the doors of the church, which swung open on my will and wordless command. The robots were all looking amongst each other, whispering about angels and finally being able to call down one of His messengers. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as everyone poured into the church.

           I entered last, closing the door behind me. The entire church was just one big room. Everyone was sitting on the floor, their only cushions being white colored blankets. The entire room was lit with only candles. On the far side of the room was a small, Christian themed alter made of marble and gold. The Father and I were the only ones standing. He glared at me, clearly knowing that I was not here as a messenger from big gun’s upstairs.

           “Are you an angel?” asked one of the robots. Before I could answer, another one piped up.

           “Are you here to grant us humanity?”

           “No,” I told them. “I am here to grant you a reality check,”

           “What do you mean?” asked a teenager looking robot. One of their eyes was missing, replaced with a red marble.

           “I want you all to tell me exactly what your Father here,” I pointed to the Father, my eyes glowing red. “has taught you. What has he said about the word of the almighty?”

           The robots all took turns telling me what Andra had told me, but in a more suppressed way that told that these robots thought that they were in the right.

           “And sin is bad,” one continued. “We cannot sin, not if we want to be healthy when we become human,”

           “What do you mean? If you want to be healthy?” I asked. I was slowly walking around the robots like a lion stalking its prey.

           “Sin is a mental illness,” one of the robots told me. “If we sin, we’ll get sick when we turn human. We’ll get covered in boils and we’ll be marked, doomed to the pit and never to regain true humanity,”

           “We sin when we go against the word of His mouth,” someone else stated. “The Father is his voice. We sin if we don’t listen and heed his words,”

           “If we diverge from his words, we sin. We must stay on His path forever and always.”

           “To oppose his word is to doom yourself to the pit,”

           “I’ll tell you right now,” I started, cutting everyone off. “That this total bullshit,”

           The gasp that resonated through the room was almost comedic in style. Had I not been seething with anger towards the Father, I would have laughed.

           “Sin is not a mental illness,” I announced before they could start protesting. “What you have been taught is not sin. There is nothing wrong with practicing your free will,” I shot a harsh glare towards the Father. “Something your Father here seems to have taken away,”

           The Father stayed silent.

           “Sin will not make you into a deform monster,” I continued. “If we were to go on that, then I would be deformed, covered in boils, and whatnot. Do you see me as deformed?”

           “No,” the robots said in unison.

           “I don’t follow the teachings of Christianity,” I told them. “I follow my own path. I do what I want to do. There’s nothing wrong with following a belief. But when it starts taking away your basic freedoms and teaches you to outcast those who dare to be themselves, then it’s time to rethink what you’ve been taught,”

           There was pause, and the synthetics were all mumbling amongst their own. I heard phrases ranging from disbelief to words that proved that I was getting through to them. I looked to the Father, who was red in the face and looked ready to tear apart the nearest robot circuit from circuit.

           “According to your belief, Christo gave life free will for a reason. To take away that free will would technically be going against his word, would it not?” I offered. Heads turned towards the Father, showing that everyone knew who I was referring to. There was another long pause, and then…

           “So… we don’t sin if we follow our own wishes?” someone called out.

           “As long as you’re not hurting anyone, I don’t see anything wrong with following your own path,”

           “What about our humanity? Is it even possible?” someone else called.

           “I think you shouldn’t worry about becoming human,” I told them. “Embrace who you are and what you are, and work to be the best you can be. You don’t need to become human to be alive,”

           The robots began talking amongst themselves again, this time with increasing fervor. I watched as some robots began standing up and stripping off their robes, revealing their metal bodies and slipping off the masks they were wearing to make themselves look human. They looked a little too real to me, those masks. I had many a dark idea as to where they came from.

           “You all are doomed,” the Father finally spoke, gaining the attention of everyone in the room. He turned to the only door in the church, one that he was leaning on. I did not notice it before, but I’m guessing that it led to another room.

           “You all are listening to a creature of darkness, a black wing,” the Father growled, swinging the door open. “It’ll drag you all down to the darkest parts of the pit,”

           “But… You did take away our free will,” said one robot. “I used to build street lights before all this,”

           “I was once a caretaker at our orphanage,” said another. “I miss it so,”

           “I’ve always wanted to run track!”

           “I can take up magic again…”

           “I can work on my wing invention. Soon we’ll all be flying like angels!”

           “Doomed idiots, all of you!” The Father barked. He turned and entered the dark room, slamming the door behind him. I growled, marching up to the door and quickly kicking it back open.

           “I’m not done with you, Father!” I roared out. As the door fell to the ground, I bore witness to the Father raise his hand up. I spotted a translucent glass ball in that hand before he threw it to the ground in an explosion of red dust and blinding white light.

           When I opened my eyes, the church building was gone. The synthetics were all safe and unharmed, but they were all fleeing the area coated in red dust. Suddenly, the light from above was blocked out. I looked up and watched as clouds formed and swirled like a hurricane. Thunder rolled and the clouds darkened into a thick, dark grey mass. In the eyes of the storm, the clouds opened up a path to a bright white light. I noticed something, someone, was coming down from this light. Feeling the presence of someone powerful, I leapt into the air to meet them halfway. I hovered below the cloud line and watched as the figure approached me.

           The being before me was all black, with stars in his skin and eyes shining like the sun and moon. A black, dark blue, and purple robe fell from his shoulders, and six enormous black wings were spread wide like my own. A bright halo of light shone behind its head. I knew I was looking at an Archangel. As I stared, a name etched itself into my head, as if I knew who this was, and I was realizing their name. This was the Archangel Gabriel.

           This Gabriel looked like nothing like the Gabriel from the show Supernatural. He radiated power. I knew, as he pulled out a black blade, that I was in for a fight.

           Without a word, Gabriel launched himself forward. At the last second, I was able to summon my own weapon to block his attack and push him back. In my hands was a dual scythe that was taller than myself, with dark blue and purple blades on either end of the dark silver staff. I recall its name being the Dual Scythe of Obsidian Fear.

           I held my ground, determined not to make advances towards this being. I had never fought an Archangel before, I knew I needed to stay on my guard. From below, I heard the Father shout “A servant of the Lord shall vanquish you! Let it be your last attempt to tempt any more souls!”

           As if his words were a trigger, Gabriel charged again. He darted to my right, to which I swung by scythe and quickly swung around to keep facing him. Our wings clashed in a mass of black, ethereal feathers as I blocked his attacks with the black blade.

           At one point, we clashed our weapons in unison and then proceeded to jump away from each other. As his large wings folded forward, I rushed him the blunt of my weapon aimed for starry his chest. I hit true, but he quickly grabbed the staff and threw it to the side. Since I was still holding onto the staff, I was thrown off balance. I saw the edge of Gabriel’s blade swinging towards me, so I reached out with a hand to grab the sharp blade. I caught it with my hand, but the blade easily sliced open my gloves and my hand. Garnet colored blood ran down my arm and soaked into my cloak, but I held onto the blade and yanked it out of Gabriel’s own hands. Flipping it so that I was holding onto its hilt, I charged Gabriel once more.

           Gabriel’s glowing eyes had widened, as if he was astonished that I was able to even wield his sword. Using my scythe and my own wings to keep his wings away, I grappled with Gabriel as he tried to grab his weapon back from me. I felt the wind rushing through my hair and cloak, and I barely noticed that we had begun plummeting down towards the earth.

           Taking the moment into consideration, I yanked the sword away and tossed it. Gabriel turned and looked ready to dart after it, but I blocked his path with my scythe and dashed forward to grab at his neck. We sped down and hit the ground, the force sending up a cloud of red dust.

           When the dust settled, Gabriel was on his back with me standing above him. One of my hands was resting on his color bones, holding him down with my claws close to his neck. My other hand held my scythe above and behind me, red to swing down in case I need to knock him out. His sword landed a few meters away, landing blade first and sticking up from the ground like the sword in the stone.

           The spectators watched in amazement. I didn’t see their faces, nor did I see the reaction of the Father, as I was focusing on Gabriel.

           “Release me,” he said, his voice sounding like the howling winds of a hurricane.

           “Why were you summoned?” I asked him, tapping my claws on his vitals.

           “I was summoned to dispose of a dark entity,” Gabriel responded, not making a move to try and escape.

           “Well, as the Incarnation of Darkness, I would be considered dark,” I told him. “But I’m not the one who took away these robot’s free will and turned them into husks,”

           “What?”

           “You heard me. The one who summoned you has been siphoning the free will from these robots and teaching them lies, saying that Christo would turn them human and that sin would deform them into beasts that were doomed to Hell, without any hope of forgiveness,”

           “Let me get up,”

           “Why?”

           “I have business with someone now. I plan to deal with him,”

           I slowly moved off of Gabriel, allowing him to rise up to his full height of seven feet tall. He opened his hand, aiming it to his sword. It rose from the ground and into his hand, to which he placed it on his belt. With a wave of his hand, the world shifted, and reality warped to make it look like he had opened an invisible door that led to nothing but white. Gabriel entered in, but left the door open.

           I heard footsteps and turned to see the Father marching up to me with eyes seething and face red with rage.

           “You beast! What have you done?” he screamed at me, spittle flying from his mouth and barely missing me by centimeters.

           “I don’t know what I did yet,” I answered.

           “You-“ The Father suddenly jolted, looking down at his feet. I followed his gaze and watched the as the ground seemed to open up. The fires of Hell burst through as scaled red hands adorned with black claws rose up from the cracks and grabbed onto the Father’s legs, dragging him into the fiery pit.

           The Father screamed and clawed at the ground, trying to keep from being dragged down. He even reached for my own cloak, but I stepped away and watched as he was swallowed by the earth. Once the cracks closed, Gabriel emerged from the door of light once more.

           “Was he dragged into Hell?” the Archangel asked.

           “Very dramatically,” I confirmed.

           “Good. I called a demon to drag him down,” Gabriel said. “He was doing a great evil, keeping these synthetics from practicing free will,”

           “Yeah. Hey, sorry for the whole body slamming thing,”

           “I’ve been through worse battles, Esh. But I do hope you realize precisely why you won that fight,”

           At that moment, it clicked. Everything rushed back into my head so quickly that I almost flinched. Why my powers were back despite me still being in human form. Why everything seemed so wacky and out of place. Why I was able to defeat an Archangel.

          A dream. I was in a dream.

           “Farewell, Esh,” Gabriel said, clapping me on the back before heading back to the door of light. “Your friend Riku comes,”

           The door to the light shuts just as I hear Riku’s voice call to me from behind me. I quickly quelled the darkness that altered my form and returned back into my normal human shape, then turn to see Riku running up to me with the rest of the synthetics from the skyscraper district in tow. Riku hurried over to me and looked me over.

           “Are you okay? I saw the battle from the city!” he asked. He had a Keyblade in his hand. He was clearly ready to fight. But my body felt stiff, I felt light headed. He wasn’t going to fight anything any time soon.

           “I’m okay. We cleared everything up. The Father is no more,” I told Riku with my best smile. Riku sighed with relief and patted my shoulder. We turned to see the two groups of synthetics converging, reuniting with each other. Andra was jogging up to us with her weird smile.

           “You did it!” she exclaimed, taking me in her arms and spinning me around. When she put me down, I felt dizzy. Luckily, Riku was there to be a good support figure. “My kind has come to its senses!”

           “It took a bit more than just talking,” I told her. My arm refused to move from its position. It was glued to my side, and I felt the fabric of my bed sheets rubbing on it. I tried to force myself to stay asleep. I needed to stay asleep for a little while longer. My arm began to move again, the feeling of my bed sheets fading.

           “We all agreed that I will be taking charge,” Andra said. “I will lead this town to a better future, now that we’re not tied to a schedule. We can just do what we wish, within reason,”

           “That’s always a good thing,” Riku said. “I’m glad we were able to help,”

           “You two are headed to Satellite City, right?” Andra said, reaching into her metal plating and pulling out a rolled up piece of paper. She handed it to me. “Here’s a map of the city for when you get to it. It’s a big city, so I bet this will aid you in your quest there,”

           “Thank you!” I said, handing the map over to Riku. The silver haired boy took it and placed it in his pocket. “But now, we should get going. Riku’s got something he’s got to do,”

           “We both do,” Riku said, flashing me a small smile. “Thanks for all your help, Andra,”

           “No problem. Here comes your ride,” Andra, Riku, and I turned to the sound of a car pulling up on the road. It was our Jeep, in mint condition. The robot driving it exited and made its way to us.

           “Let’s go,” Riku said. We waved goodbye to the synthetics and went to meet the robot who drove our car halfway. It gifted Riku with the car keys, wished us goodbye, and went to join its brethren. Riku and I got into the car and breathed simultaneous sighs of relief.

           “That was a wild ride from start to finish,” I commented.

           “That was a really intense battle, as short as it was,” Riku said, turning to me with a worried expression. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem dazed,”

           Riku’s voice seemed to echo around, the world growing fuzzy. I knew I couldn’t stop it this time.

           “As well as I can be,” I told him. “I’m a little sad, though. My journey with you is about to end,”

           “What do you mean?” Riku questioned, placing a worried hand on my arm. I barely felt it. “We still have a whole two and a half days until we reach Satellite City. We still have a long way to go,”

           “You have a long way to go, Riku,” I said, turning to him with a pained expression. It hurt to leave him. “Thank you, Riku. I had a lot of fun on this trip. But I have to wake up now. Goodbye,”

           As I muttered the last syllable, I found myself blinking open my eyes. The blurry sight of my room filled my near-sighted vision. Everything that transpired in my dream replayed in my head, and I found myself letting a few tears fall from my eyes.

           I didn’t even get to hear Riku say goodbye.

[tvmoviechristmas]

Homemade Christmas (Lifetime, 2020)

Are you my Christmas miracle? Because I need a wow.

Starring: Michelle Argyris, Travis Nelson, Tiara Johnny, Marcello Di Fruscia

Plot Synopsis: Megan uses the weeks leading up to every Christmas to help around with any Christmas related tasks. When the opportunity arrives to save a Christmas party and dazzle her crush, she must choose between the man of her dreams and Mr. Right. (x)

In My Humble Opinion: This movie is like fine but bland for the majority of its running time, and I was fully prepared to make this review “this lady keeps getting criticized for not monetizing her blog by making it a video-oriented and I felt personally attacked.” as my central throughline for this post. It was gonna be great because I love talking about the psychic damage that certain Christmas movies target directly at me. I’m self-centered like that.

But then we reached the “romantic leads fight” portion of the climax and it is such a clusterfuck. A huge clusterfuck! It’s basically like the lead dude hears discouraging business news and is suddenly like, “Fine, I’m a slut for capitalism and as a result I’m going to be a flaming dick to everyone I know!!!!!!” Meanwhile all of his friends and love interests are like, “Can you please stop?” And this dude refuses. He has sold his soul and the devil came to collect immediately. He’s rude now.

Eventually, everything gets solved with like nice blog posts and Christmas or whatever, but by that point I was so turned off by the romantic lead in the film that I was just like crawling in my skin. There was not enough groveling for me to get into him finding love. He should have at least flashed a DSA card and promised to fund healthcare for the entire town or something.

This man did not join rose emoji twitter though. He didn’t even vaguely suggest he would consider it and as a result he is a failure of a love interest and this is a failure of a movie.

Still though, appreciated all the personal attacks about how video blogging is the only way to make money via blogging these days. I’m well aware, Lifetime! Maybe I am happy to just provide a service for people who don’t want to watch a ten minute review of a Christmas movie. Have we considered that? Have we?

Watch If: You can’t date because you barely have time to finish your blog, if you saved the tulip festival without tulips, or if you once successfully negotiated the return of a used deodorant stick.

Skip If: You love watching YouTubers who don’t smile, if you would shop at a chain store or if you are a guy who chases what he can’t catch.

Final Rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

If you like this blog, please consider donating to my Kofi page! You can also donate money to kbange@gmail.com through either Venmo or CashApp. Thank you!

[thedistrictsleepsalonetonight]

There was a girl, and I accidentally fell in love Chapter 1: It was summer when I saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway

You know how sometimes in the movies the first scene is the climax, and then the protagonist goes “To explain how all of this happened, I’ll have to take you back a few months, back to where Blah-and-blah did bleh-and-bleh, and consequently, I’m here”?  

Well, here I am, up on stage on Prom night, in front of a huge crowd of students, holding the hugest Teddy Bear in my right hand, an extremely colorful bouquet of flowers in my left, and just about to start declaring my undying love for the prettiest girl in the world, and I bet you’re wondering how I ended up like this.

Would you believe me if I told you it wasn’t my fault?

Probably not. You shouldn’t, that is. A lot of this story happened because I was an idiot, an insensitive idiot, a stupid insensitive idiot, and other unflattering descriptions of me that you will probably hear from my friends’ mouths. But I will say this: it did not start with me. I was not responsible for kicking over the first domino that resulted in this clusterfuck of lives in National City High crashing down on top of each other. That person, was Lex.

See, the thing is, despite all of it, I still love him. He’s my brother, no matter how much of an asshole he is. He likes starting fires and he can be terribly mean, but he’s always been sweet to me. He is the closest thing I have to a loving home, seeing as my real one consists of a Basilisk for a mother, and a ghost for a father. He’s the reason I am up at the very top of the food chain at school. His Jock-reputation carried over to me, and made it easier for me to not only survive, but thrive. I am Lena Luthor, sister of Lex Luthor, and life, is easy for me. I wouldn’t go as far as claiming that people threw flowers at my feet when I walked down the corridors, or that they bowed whenever I passed by, but it is true that I was untouchable. Even the fact that I was a lesbian didn’t get me any bullying. One stare from Lex and his huge biceps was enough to stop any in its tracks.

All in all, Lex is a pretty good brother. The only character flaw he possibly has is his utter loathing of Clark Kent.

That brings us to Clark Kent. Charming nerd. The best actor in our school. Voted Student with the most beautiful eyes in the world two years in a row. Falls in the category of Not Exactly Popular but Everyone Lowkey Likes Him. And the arch-enemy of Lex Luthor.

Nobody knows how it started. Rumor has it Clark once made the winning catch in their Little League team, and Lex hated him getting the attention. Rumor also has it that it started when Clark got to play Superman in the school play, back in fifth grade, winning the part from Lex, who had been harboring dreams of playing a superhero since, well, forever. People say a lot of things, but nobody knows exactly why they hated each other so much, me included. Every time I’d ask Lex about it, he’d smirk it off, and distract me with something else, and after a while, I gave up on asking, and accepted it as one of the enigmas of National City High.

Either way, that was the relevant bit of backstory that was needed for you to understand this entire sordid tale of romance. It all started when Lex Luthor opened his mouth, during lunch, and asked who the girl trailing behind Clark was.

Imagine the scene. It’s lunch. There’s a lot of people milling about, eating. People talk about the classes they have attended, the classes they have yet to attend, the teachers who made an idiot out of themselves and the ones who made idiots of the students. I was sitting at the table with the most Popularity per square area in the cafeteria, with my brother at my side, Sam sitting in front of me, juggling two apples, while Jack sat next to her, frantically completing his AP Math homework. Half of the football team players with their cheerleader girlfriends filled up the rest of the chairs

“Look at them,” Lex mused, biting thoughtfully at a Tater Tot “High School hierarchy in action. The geeks sit with the geeks, talking about Star Trek or Dungeons and Dragons or whatever the fuck they’re on these days.”

Settlers of Catan, I thought, but keep my mouth shut.

“There are the less-popular cheerleaders, the AV club nightmare freaks, the Glee club rapping like idiots, and there he is, the King of the assholes himself.”

I looked up to see Clark Kent walked into the room, and five of his fan girls trail behind him, swooning and giggling. I rolled my eyes at them, but I had to admit, I did see the appeal. He had that Lord of the Nerds thing going on, with his glasses and a pen tucked into his perfectly ironed shirt, and every straight girl in the college had, at least once in their life, been charmed by his smile. But that wasn’t what was bugging Lex today.

“Who is that?” he nudged my side, bringing me back from where I had been staring into space.

“Who?”

“That girl, behind Kent,” he told me, impatiently.

I saw Alex Danvers, stomping past all the annoying girls, looking as though she was just about one hair away from ripping everyone in her immediate vicinity apart.

“That’s Alex, dude,” Sam told Lex before I could open my mouth.

“No, you idiot,” he muttered. He took my head between both his hands, and physically turned it “Look. There.”

It took me a minute, and then I saw her.

You know those movies where guys see the girl, and it’s like a light bulb goes off in their heads, or violins start playing in the background, and the world slows down? It definitely didn’t happen for me. She was pretty. Blonde hair, tied up in a ponytail, large glasses over her face, and a humongous pile of books in her hands, she did the opposite of stand out.  She seemed to be in deep thought, and as we watched, tapped Alex’s shoulder to tell her something.

“That’s Kara,” Jack spoke up, suddenly, and all three of us turned to him “She’s in AP English with me. She’s Alex’s sister.”

“Since when does Alex Danvers have a sister?” Lex asked.

“Since her parents adopted Kara,” he said, then sighed at our dumbfounded faces “It’s like none of you have any idea what’s up.”

“Start. Speaking. Now,” Lex growled at him.

“So she is Clark’s cousin, and she’s apparently very tight with him, because her parents, the Danvers’ and the Clarks were really close. Her parents got into a car accident when she was young, and she’s been brought up by the Danvers ever since, and she was studying in some private school until now. She just transferred here.”

“How did we not know Alex had an adopted sister?” I wondered aloud.

“Because she’s Alex Danvers. Nobody knows anything about her.”

I nodded, and closed my eyes, topic already forgotten in my head. But Lex apparently wasn’t.

“Did you say she was close to Clark?” he demanded of Jack.

“Yes?”

I opened my eyes when I heard him chuckle. It wasn’t his nice chuckle. This spelled more doom than anything else.

“So hurting her would be hurting him?”

“Lex,” I warned him “Please don’t tell me you’re planning on killing a person. Because I will not approve.”

“No, no,” he rushed to reassure me “But think of how devastated he’d be if someone from Lex’s circle dated her and then broke her heart.”

There was a beat of silence, then both Sam and I chucked the objects in our hands at him simultaneously. Lex ducked both a pen, and a half-eaten apple.

“What?” he asked, bewildered.

“Nothing,” I said, and walked away.

**********

Now, in a perfect world, that would have been the end of matters. Not this one, though.

I’m still not sure what it was exactly that triggered both of them, but I got out of Physics just in time for a random kid to come running up to me and show me a video of Clark punching the lights out of Lex. I watched it for half a minute, and then I was off and running towards the principal’s office. They were both sitting outside, Lex bleeding from his nose, Clark with a black eye, already done with Principal Cat, by the looks of it. I heard my mother’s rising voice from inside and winced.

“She called Lillian, huh?”

Lex mumbled something that sounded close to an affirmation. From the corner of my eye, I saw Clark scowl at us, and move even further away.

I asked Lex what had happened, whispering the question to him.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, eyes still burning with righteous fury “But I hate him. God damn it, I hate him so much. I cannot walk this earth without having revenge.”

Well. That’s drama.

His voice had started rising, so I calmed him down by rubbing his back “I know, I know. Calm down, okay?”

He turned to look at me “Please tell me you’d do that?”

“Do what?”

“That thing I was talking about earlier.”

It suddenly clicked and I started shaking my head vigorously “Lex, no, no , that’s…..”

“Please, please, please, Lena,” he implored “I’ll do anything for you, I’ll……..I’ll get you that trip!”

I paused. There had been this science competition coming up in a city nearby, and I had an idea for a great project lined up, but Lillian, being mother of the year, had no intentions of letting me go.

“You can’t,” I told him “There’s no way you can convince her to let me go.”

“Lena,” he told me back, just as seriously “If there is anyone in the world who can convince her, it is her Golden Boy, aka me.”

I took fifteen minutes “Three or four dates. There will be no prank. No humiliation. I’ll just call it quits before it gets serious. But I’m serious, Lex, no humiliation.”

“Eh, I’ll take care of the rest,” he said which didn’t really sound promising, but I convinced myself I’d just break it up before she developed feelings for me. And it was a very good possibility she wouldn’t even want to date me. That would leave me off the hook.

“We have a deal,” I admitted, grudgingly, and he wrapped me up in a tight hug.

[princessnijireiki]

tbh even with regards to the first live action atla adaptation, dimartino & konietzko were fucking classless about it

granted: the movie was a clusterfuck on all levels. but everyone knew in advance shyamalan had no experience filming martial arts or action movies and that his track record for film success was already spotty, so using him being a fan as grounds for hiring him as a director is already some off the wall shit. it was stupidity. he wasn't the right man for the job.

he also got fucked over on casting. iirc nicola peltz was related to somebody rich so the water tribe kids both "had" to be white once execs decided to cast her, and the studio apparently also mandated that aang be white (or white-passing, idr if the kid was mixed or not tbh), and I can't speak for the cruciform imagery of aang's tattoos or visual design or whatever, but the casting at least was out of shyamalan's hands, and he didn't seem happy with the end product either.

like it was a disaster but I can't be mad at him or lay all the blame solely at his feet bc there was a lot of stupid & corrupt decisions to go around before he even got to start filming.

but as soon as bryan & mike were able to speak more freely about the film, even when it's sort of vague references, they made sure to clown shyamalan & iirc mocked his name, too (which is… weirdly racist tbh)… but had nothing to say that would jeopardize the checks they were happy to cash for the film rights in the first place. and certainly wouldn't dream of blaming the studio. or even outright saying "we hated this film for a lot of concrete reasons" outside of alluding to it in couched terms & letting fans read between the lines like it's an inside joke that dimartino & konietzko happened to profit off of from start to finish.

and that's pussy behavior! that's some punk assed tacky shit. it's wil-wheaton-esque energy and tbh if that were me I'd be embarassed to behave that way! but they've done it for years, to say nothing of the internal beef that came out after the fact between themand the ehaszes + the absurd trainwreck legend of korra turned out to be on plotting, characterization, and worldbuilding alike.

so honestly! in my (unpopular) opinion! I really mean it when I say that the only thing I'd potentially be excited for with atla live action 2.0 is if indigenous kids get some starring-role work (which not to be messy but! it's already either gonna be issues with colorism, which tribes actors are cast from, and people who are gonna get weird as fuck about either blood quantum or straight up pretendians), bc I guarantee there's dozens of films on netflix already with better fight choreo and sfx than this movie will be able to afford, and if I feel nostalgic for the good parts of the atla plot? I'll just watch the dragon prince instead.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

More of the Misadventures of Aish rereading Misadventures and fixing typos, like a cowardly fool because I can’t sleep

chapters 21-25 oh no here we go

(actually I did this in like November on my phone but only just now remembered that I never posted it so here ya go, this is all weeks old)

Okay so with the chapter titles, I didn’t actually start naming them until about ch27 or so, but I had already nicknamed this chapter something like “IT’S FRIENDSHIP YOU COWARDS” bc this one got a surprising amount of notes on tumblr and I’m 99% sure most of the people who read it did not realize that this is in fact a Kimax fic

And also THIS CHAPTER WAS THE TURNING POINT. I could either have kept the fic rly lighthearted until way near the end, or decide to start shoving in the Angst much quicker. 3 guesses what I picked >:D

Oh highkey same Alix?? except for me it’s not superpowers or anything it’s just called “anxiety disorder”

The obliviousness physically pains me

I’m the guard who just blatantly lets Alix steal popcorn. also why was there just casually popcorn there. god I don’t even know what I was thinking when I wrote any of this

Oh yeah I remember!! I was mad at people setting off the smoke alarm while making popcorn in the middle of the night!! just uni things am I right

...why am I noticing now that the whole popcorn thing is just a metaphor for Kim’s entire love life I am going to throw this fic out of the window I swear

IT REALLY IS, UGH I HATE THIS, ARE YOU TELLING ME I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT

this is a freaking game of Civilization where one civ takes a runaway lead in the science victory while the rest are all still stuck in the industrial era

Kim is me watching dinosaur movies too tbh, dinosaurs are so frickin rad

well this is depressing

and adorable

I hate so much that I know what the Bad Dream means I hate it I hate it I h

IT’S OKAY KIM I’M PROUD OF YOU, YOU’RE MY SON AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

“It’s not up to you to question why people care about you so just roll with it” damn past me, that’s actually some really good advice???

Alix is a Kimax shipper even this early in the fic, btw. whenever she talks to them about each other she’ll always say stuff like “oh yeah you two are so close” or “he cares about you so much” without specifying whether she means that platonically... my dudes... she’s shipping it

Kim having an existential crisis in early hours of the morning is such a mood because it’s 2am and I’m having one right now

BAD FORESHADOWING, YES BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING SOON LIKE ASSASSINATIONS AND STUFF, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

Alright chapter 22 now

the carriage guards!! my favourite characters in the entire fic!!!!!! they’re the BEST okay they just casually chill at school through the entire thing and only show up again in the last chapter omg they’re so amazing I love them??? absolute LEDGES

Kim’s parents being all like “yeah if our son doesn’t wanna come home from school then just KIDNAP HIM and bring him back lmao”

“Hey, do you want me to threaten your guards with my snake or something?” WAS THAT FORESHADOWING??? BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH DOES DO THAT LATER. TO DIFFERENT GUARDS YES BUT IT’S LEGIT A THING SHE DOES

talking on the phone is stressful? yes it’s that good old “anxiety disorder” again, really a pain tbh

god I’m so proud of Kim, already that good good character development

also Kim’s grandma is me

omg I have to put Kim and Alix’s dumb chess games in the sequel, I came up with an entire thing about how they blatantly cheat etc and it’s ridiculous and Max gets a headache whenever he has to “referee” (aka make sure they don’t fight), it’s so great okay

me: *thinks about chapter 34 and throws up*

oh I’m the snake too btw. the snake also will hate chapter 34

Max holy moly repressing your feelings isn’t healthy??? stop that

hhhhhhh chapter Lila now, like literally that’s the entire chapter 23, it’s basically just Lila

this is just the damn Volpina episode

dupainchien!!!!! dupainchien!!!!!!!!!

I know this isn’t even that much of a big deal in this fic but like... can Marinette and Adrien just get together already lmao

hskdjhdkjfhgs for the record Lila and Kim is actually a pretty good ship?? but they’d both try to out-brag each other and it would be ridiculous so uh

hm anyways. time for CHAPTER AROACE

Kim’s like. ABOUT TO start falling for Max oh thank god, I need this

Lila: *just stabs Kim’s homework with a parasol*

Kim just... Did That??? WE STAN

(oh and later note: in this he just treats Lila like how Adrien treated her in Chameleon lol)

I remember at this point I wasn’t sure if Lila would actually really return in the fic, and then literally like 2 chapters later I brought her back already because damn that girl needs a redemption arc

do I hug Kim or do I hug Max?? you FOOLS, you ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS, I am going to hug ALIX for having to deal with all their romo bullshit

Max trying to get drunk on orange juice is the mood

JULEKA’S MAGICAL GAYDAR!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

(also Juleka is absolutely wearing a Reflekta dress)

Juleka, outright: “Max. my dude. alix is aroace you dense idiot. you are all idiots. you absolute fuckwits.”

I’m still the snake btw

hhhhhhhhhh I wanna make a daisy chain now, or just go outside and sprawl in some grass, I can’t because it’s 2.30am and I live in the city and it’s winter, screw this fic for making me miss my school days

oh no I’m having an allergic reaction again

I mEAN IT’S CUTE THO, IT’S CUTE, BUT I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A BIT LATER SO THIS IS JUST PAINFUL

“You need more sleep” me calling myself out

I am going to hit Kim over the head,,

STOP BEING WEIRD JUST TELL HER YOU LIKE HER?? GOOD GOD I DON’T EVEN SHIP IT AND I STILL WANT YOU TO GET A BLOODY MOVE ON

oh good, he wants to smack himself in the face too

no nonono no Alix I think you are cute too. but you see, I mean it in the adopting way. but you ARE objectively adorable (source: the Reverser episode and also like all the other episodes) people just don’t say it in this au because of your TERRIFYING PET SNAKE

she offered to give him a telephone... lov that foreshadowing

*unimpressed* “are you in love with me?” OH FUCKING FINALLY

skdfhskdjfhsd avoiding people and having a heart attack when someone knocks on your door? I see the return of that anxiety disorder eh

Alix didn’t bring the snake (me) with her on purpose bc she knows Kim is still a bit scared of it at this point and doesn’t want him to be in a bad mood while she’s crushing his heart and soul

GOD YES I LOVE THIS SCENE

I hate myself because when I was writing this I was thinking “oh mood?? oh mood worm same hat???” and yet still. didn’t. realize. I’m. aro. *le sigh*

I’m gonna cry this is so sweet

“So are bossy, intimidating, hot girls your type?” no actually because Ondine is neither bossy nor intimidating (tho yeah she is hot) (and not particularly relevant in this fic unfortunately)

Alix is not in fact as oblivious as she claims to be btw, she just thinks it would sound mean to say “oh yeah I guessed you had a thing for me but I aggressively ignored it bc it annoyed me since I’m aroace lmao”

I’m genuinely going to hecking cry omg I remember now why this was my Ultimate Brotp for so long ugh it’s so good, @ ZAG LET KIM AND ALIX BE FRIENDS

I’m laughing?? so hard??? at the fact that their height difference is so ridiculous that literally like he has to kneel down??? god this is the funniest thing

oh also btw she was internally debating with herself like “should I give him the mistletoe kiss?? sounds gross but I feel so bad for him dammit” and decided to right there on the spot because she was lowkey curious anyway, which I’ll be honest is still an aro mood

OMG I’M ACCIDENTALLY SUCH A GENIUS OMG LISTEN NO LEMME EXPLAIN

SO LIKE. there are two (2) instances in this fic where I tried to pretend to be funny by dropping in the word “heartrate”. one is near the beginning, and the other is right here

in other words, the exact start and end points of Kim’s crush on Alix?? AND I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT OMG I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF NOW

oh... oh no. uh oh. the dreaded evil Chapter Twenty Hecking Five

it’s called “Pain” for a reason. also my OG nickname for it was “Death”. also for a reason.

I even listened to Death Valley (the FOB song) on repeat while writing it (along with the next like 9 chapters lol) because the word DEATH just seemed so accurate

no really this is THE real turning point in the fic, where it stops being just a dumb teen movie and starts being all A N G S T Y

like this is the first chapter that has NO lightheartedness AT ALL

okay. here we go

this is all??? foreshadowing??? for dumb chapters like 30 and 34??? I Hate

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE SNAKE

I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK JUST READING THESE WORDS THIS IS SO HORRIFYING ALEXA PLAY DEATH VALLEY

this is the equivalent of seeing a kwami die, for the record. like I know kwamis can’t die but THIS IS HOW IT WOULD FEEL

god this is even worse in hindsight knowing what happens later, bc poor Alix is all like @ herself “oh well it’s a nightmare so it’s not real” and I’m just like... oh dear. honey. sweetie. welp. I mean on the bright side you’re psychic so that’s kinda cool right

I love how Jalil is actually really sweet and a genuinely cool brother, you just never get to see it when Kim’s around bc he hates Kim lmao (I mean for good reasons..)

“I can’t live without this snake!” I MEAN YOU’RE NOT WRONG

these timeline powers are SO cursed man. why was I so evil and cruel holy actual shit

(the whole “some character deaths but not really” tag refers to all this clusterfuck btw)

okay it’s funny how this bit with Adrien is the Collector episode despite it not having aired yet when I wrote this, I guess I’m psychic too

Nathalie being sympathetic huh? not so much in the sequel when I get round to it...

Adrikins being all “I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” I’m dying

uh yeah there’s a difference between being grounded, and like, literal actual house arrest

damn... capitalism really is bad

so is imperialism

fix this damn typo thing where I used the word “soon” twice in one sentence like was that really necessary

DUPAINCHIEN

I love how Kim is so obviously bi that even Marinette notices and straight-up tries to set him up with a hot commoner boy

oh noes here comes The Death

Hi Aish Snekwami, I am afraid

god imagine how horrible it must be??? to have something traumatic happen in another timeline but you’re still aware of it in this one so you still suffer the effects even though nothing bad happened in this timeline????

Max shows up for two seconds this chapter to remind everyone that I have an anxiety disorder again and then hecks off, good for him

HOLY FUCK?!?!?! IMAGINE LITERALLY DYING ACTUAL DEATH IN ANOTHER TIMELINE AND EVEN THOUGH YOU SURVIVE IN THIS ONE YOU STILL HAVE TO LIKE. FEEL THE WHOLE TIME YOU’RE DYING OF GODDAMN COBRA VENOM HOLY FUCK WHY DID I MAKE THIS SO ANGSTY

I mean I think I remember writing this when I was on a very heavy painful period which full-on incapacitated me but like even that’s nowhere near as bad as fucking. snake. bite (ye I did some research, it was creepy...)

man this is so evil... I can’t

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO DIE

god that’s so haunting ughhhhhhhhh

honestly whenever I stub my toe etc I always think to myself “is this karma for that time I lowkey killed Alix off in chapter 25?” and yeah, it probably is

OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW

[mailorderfictionalcharacter]

a list of semi coherent thoughts I’ve had about mcu wanda maximoff

0.5 this post is open to discourse. if u are unwilling to see viewpoints that are pro wanda or anti wanda this is not the post 4 u.

1. wanda runs off of very powerful emotions and that’s an a + character trait. her rage fueled grief and power is just fascinating to watch.

2. ew whitewashing why do you do this to me mcu. stop. enough.

3. yeah it’s kind of ridiculous to kill the ex-ceo of a weapons company that killed your parents as compared to whoever fired the missiles or whoever ordered said military action but it’s not that ridiculous if you apply the barest modicum of generous interpretation to it.

Tony Stark was emblematic of the very destructive American ideal of we’re great and right and coming with guns. Going off of IM2, even as he was doing great things (”I’ve successfully privatized world peace”) his performance was still very um American (”no one’s man enough to go [against me]”). Like as audience members we get it but I could see how that sort of look-at-me attitude would not ring like redemption to someone in that much emotional pain. Like, you could easily read their actions as being about attacking every American/foreign influence figure head, which is sort of supported by the fact that the twins wanted the avengers down not just Tony Stark.

If the weapons were illegally sold there’s no guarantee the twins knew that Tony wasn’t responsible. It’s possible Tony leaked the truth about Obadiah after the “I Am Iron Man” press conference, but the original plan was a SHIELD coverup.

I’m not inclined to conflate profiting of our wrongs or moral ambiguities on the same moral level as instigating wrongs, but it’s also up in the air whether or not Stark Industries cared about collateral damage in the design of their weapons and that’s something the twins could legitimately blame them for. IM1 canon is a mixed bag - we have intellicrops (concern for philanthropy) but we also have, y’know the Jericho (the weapon that levels mountains)

(read more under the cut)

tl;dr: wanda is a fascinating flawed character who suffers from writing problems but she’s also wearing the name of a jewish/romani woman even though marvel studios is too much of a coward to translate that to film & i’m perpetually bitter and indecisive about everything.

4. the twins had enormous social factors encouraging them to hate the avengers/america. even american media was questioning the avengers; shield had fell; people were putting up anti avengers graffiti

5. considering the twins spent their formative years in a country at war and lost their parents I’m assuming they went through quite a few economic hardships.

6. what sort of access did the twins have to media or education?

7. I’m not inclined to blame the twins for their desire to get revenge but it is worth noting that they seemed to have very little concern for collateral damage even though the only thing we as an audience knows for certain is that the whole reason they’re seeking revenge is because of collateral damage.

8. there’s a gap of 8-12 years between the death of their parents and their attack on the avengers. no matter what mitigating circumstances there were (and I think there were a lot) that’s a premeditated crime

9. there’s a lot of parallels between wanda maximoff and kira nerys except the writers on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine actually cared about Kira Nerys.

10. both of Wanda’s major fuck ups (willingly unleashing the Hulk on Johannesburg and failing to protect everyone in Lagos) happened in African countries. I believe in some suspension of belief for superhero movies but I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate to be like hey! look at Wanda! the whitewashed character who fucks things up in African countries! such girl power! great anti-imperialism message!

(I mean, the same disregard applies to all the avengers though. I’m pretty sure the safest interpretation of Lagos is “the avengers could have done better by not fighting in proximity with a bunch of civilians” which is on Steve. And unless I fever dreamed this Steve tosses his cowl at the feet of anti-avengers graffiti in the beginning of aou and there is nothing appropriate about that).

11. Wanda was introduced in AOU, a movie with sub par dialogue and tbh I have a feeling Whedon et.al never thought through the implications of Johannesburg bc he just wanted a convenient way to introduce a hulkbuster fight.

12. tbh I really want a scarlet witch movie to fix all of this but I also really want a recast and I know I won’t get either (fanon wanda is the best because we can fix all of this with a hammer).

13. CA:CW seemed to draw on a lot of Wanda’s comic history (specifically in the oppression metaphors) but since it followed the clusterfuck that was AOU I can’t exactly give them a standing ovation for that.

14. ca:cw did a very bad job following through wanda’s plot threads from aou. tbh I’m not even team we need to stretch Wanda’s redemption arc further but idk, it might be nice if she mentioned her dead brother or tied the Lagos incident/Sokovia accords to, idk, her past living in a war zone.

15. ca:cw could’ve given me wanda wryly commenting on how luxurious the compound was compared to sokovia but instead it gave the should-be-jewish character a cross in her bedroom and fuck that marvel why don’t you just stake me through the heart so I don’t have to deal with your bullshit

16. I wish wanda in the airport scene was more about her desire to do good (go stop the supersoldiers) than the awkward oppression metaphor

17. although push come to shove I would’ve focused on poverty/american foreign intervention over calling the powers she volunteered for the source of her oppression the whole raft scene does demonstrate that people whose powers (or even training) cannot be separated like say Sam and the Falcon or Tony and the suits face a special criminal justice risk.

but this isn’t really relevant to the accords, which are not the SHRA and honestly the same ethical problem of how to incarcerate enhanced people exists whether or not someone is acting as a superhero (is it ethical to put a psychic murderer in solitary confinement if that’s the only way to prevent them from using their powers to escape or assault guards?)

18. according to beta canon/film subtext wanda & pietro did not willingly sign up to work with hydra. Just good to remember.

19. I will forever be attached to the idea of wanda liking Vision’s company because he is both practically invulnerable (not going to get shot 7 times on a floating city) and emotionally dependent on her support (just like Pietro). (this is not implying twincest btw)

20. I think wanda’s house arrest in ca:cw is not completely unreasonable (she’s probably awaiting investigation & is at risk of being hurt/hurting others from mob violence) but definitely steve (and probably natasha & sam) should be under house arrest as well. but they aren’t, and I think it’s fair to say that in universe that’s xenophobia/anti-immigrant sentiment. why be afraid of the american icon when you can be afraid of the poor sokovian woman?

21. antis make way too much of the whole “she’s just a kid line”. like steve was responding to tony calling her, a human being, a weapon of mass destruction. like, he was just trying to humanize her and calling the youngest person in a group a kid even when they’re an adult isn’t that strange.

22. in lagos wanda was trying so damn hard to stop that bomb and yes she didn’t manage it but blaming her instead of steve? uh gross.

23. how much experience does she have? yes tony stark throwing himself into superheroics worked out surprisingly well but superheroes need training

24. I insist marvel release a 22 page dissertation on wanda’s mind powers but also if I don’t like it I’ll call it not canon. (my initial theory was that she produces ptsd symptoms - even if the person normally doesn’t suffer from ptsd - but something in the confidence that she can manipulate tony before entering his mind makes me think she has slight suggestive abilities beyond fear and also thor’s vision arguably followed a different vein)

25. antis like to argue that the maximoffs only turned on ultron because it benefited them but let’s be clear the maximoffs fought ultron because they thought he was wrong and wanted to personally help. they could’ve just tipped off the avengers and left or left ultron to do whatever ultron was going to do and only fought him if he directly came after them okay the twins had options and they chose the most altruistic option.

26. ppl who say wanda isn’t really whitewashed because marvel’s decades of retcons have whitewashed her at past points are pretty much using a two-wrongs argumentative fallacy.

[fanfictionandstuff]

Secrets- Riverdale X Reader Chapter 4- The Last Picture Show

Fandom: Riverdale   

Warnings: Ms. Grundy and the clusterfuck that comes with that...<<also swearing apparently. 

notes: yikes ive been inactive for forever jfc oops SORRY!

word count: 3,500 (ish)

You woke up on the soft and worn blue fabric of your living room couch the soft evening light filtering through the window. Your phone was blasting your moms ringtone and her smiling face lighting up the screen. You groggily picked up the phone and hit the green 'answer' button 

"hey mom" you mumble still not 100% awake, you were not prepared for her this soon after waking up.

"Hey sweetie, how are you?" she greeted you chirpily, you groaned internally she wanted something 'sweetie' was a dead giveaway.

"I'm fine mom." you replied, sighing internally you just wanted her to get to whatever she wanted.

"Good, thats good...so I heard they found Jason Blossoms body...Sweetheart, I know it might be tempting to tell someone about your...ties to that family. But remember, you'll be ruining both our lives." your moms voice was almost happy and carefree, but there was definite worry under it, finally her reason for calling became clear.

Its not that your mom was a bad parent, but she was flighty and a bit self centered if it didn't suit her it wasn't an option and it had always been like that. When you were 12 she had left you for a month with a babysitter and gone to Rome for work. She tried she really did but she wasn't cut out for kids, honestly if you hadn't come along by accident your mother probably wouldn't have had kids. She was like the professional fun aunt, she was less flighty when you were a kid but something had changed when you were old enough to (kind of) take care of yourself and that was that. It stung a bit when it had first started happening but now you were just tired when it came to your mother.

"no mom. I haven't told anyone. I know the consequences."

"Good! lets keep it that way pumpkin, the Blossoms aren’t people you want to get mixed up with." she sighed with relief. 'pumpkin' was new. 

"Are you coming home soon?" you asked, knowing better than to ask about her comment about the Blossoms you didn't ask about your father and she didn't tell, you had learned that one young.

She breezed past your question. "I have to go (y/n), talk later!" and she hung up before you could even say goodbye. You hit the end call button and threw it at the foot of the couch, and covered your face with one of the navy throw pillows in a form of protest against everything.

You glanced at the wall clock and realized it was almost 6pm, and you were starving so you changed into fresh clothes grabbed your backpack and slipped out the front door. Locking it behind you and walked the few blocks to pops, the neon signs greeting you as you approached.

You walked through the door to find some of your friends already sitting there. Jughead was gesturing angrily as you grabbed a chair from a nearby table and pulled it up. "The Drive-in closing, its just one more nail in the coffin that is Riverdale! No. forget Riverdale. in the coffin of the american dream." Jughead was ranting, he was still doing the angry gesture thing outrage in his every word. "As the godfather of indie cinema,  Quentin Tarintino, likes to say--"

Kevin cut him off. "please, god, no more Quentin Tarintino references." "What? Im pissed. And not just about losing my job The Twilight drive in should MEAN something to us, people should be trying to save it!" Jughead continued his mini rant.

Veronica was next to chime in, "In this age of Netflix and VOD, do people really want to go watch a movie in a car? who even goes there?" “People who want to buy crack" Kevin added. 

"And cinephiles and car enthusiasts--" Jughead started listing off people who go to the twilight and you were the one to cut him off this time.

"I go." you chimed in, you had been a bunch of times when the house got too empty or you felt too isolated. You would take the old beat up pick-up from the garage and go to The Twilight. Just to be around people for awhile, and not have to worry about oversharing. considering everyone in the freaking town only wanted to gossip about the blossoms and Jasons murder.

"See (y/n) gets it! The Twilight drive in is a riverdale treasure, right Bets?" Jughead gestured at you and then turned to a very distracted Betty. She blinked a few times before nodded and smiling politely. "Totally."

"Anyway, its closing because the town owns it but didn't invest in it. so when an anonymous buyer made mayor McCoy an offer she couldn't refuse--" Veronica cut Jughead off again. "Anonymous buyer? What do they have to hide, No one cares." "I do!" Jughead retorted.

"I kind of do too, well more about the drive in closing than the person who bought it. I wont--" have anywhere to go when I cant deal with the big empty house.  "--I spend alot of time there." you catch yourself mid-thought. Jughead gives you that weird stare again like the first time you met in the gym. the weird 'I’m trying to figure you out not just looking at you' stare, after you chime in, and veronica and Kevin gave you half-hearted looks of curiosity.

Jughead breezed past it though. "Also, you guys should all come to closing night, Im thinking 'American Graffiti'. or is that too obvious?"

Veronica perked up at the slight topic change. "I vote anything starring Audrey Hepburn. Or Cate Blanchett." "Or the talented Mr.Ripley." Kevin added. "Betty, your choices?" Betty blinked like she had just woken up. "Everything OK, B?" Veronica asked. "Yeah, yeah. Im just thinking. um....Maybe 'Rebel without a cause?'" Everyone looked at you next, and you shrugged helplessly. "Rebel without a cause sounds good to me."

Veronicas mom came over and set down a basket of fried something or other in front of Veronica. Veronica smiled. "Thanks mom."

Kevin opened his mouth to bring up a new topic but was cut off by cheryl slamming her hand on top of Veronicas mothers a few tables over and glaring at her. "Be sure to put all* of that cash in the register. You are a Lodge, after all--" Veronica got up and started towards Cheryls table. "--and Lodges are known to have sticky fingers."

"oh no" you whispered under your breath. this had the possibility to be bad. "Cheryl." Veronica stated warningly, but her mother put up a finger to stop her.

"Honey I got this. Cheryl, I went to school with your mother. She didnt know the difference between having money and having class either." Veronica practically beamed with pride, while you tried to suppress a laugh at the look on Cheryls face. Veronica slid back into the booth just as the chime on the door jingled. 

Kevins eyes widened slightly, "now thats* an odd combo of people."  

The four of you followed kevins gaze and saw Archie, ms. Grundy, and Archies father walk through the door. "Ill be right back." Betty said while sliding out of the booth.

"Betty, no. dont." Jughead grabbed for Bettys arm but she was already on her way over to the group. You stared in confusion at Jughead and Bettys strong reaction to Archie and Ms.Grundy walking in together. She seemed nice enough, you didnt take any of her classes and didn't know her well you only really knew what Doily had revealed at the blue and Gold office. And then it clicked Archie had been AT Sweetwater river July fourth, and from what Dilton had told you so had Ms. Grundy, but you had never considered they were there together, that was so...oh god.

From the look of horror or shock on your face, Jughead seemed to follow your thought process and shot you a 'I'll explain later' look.

Kevin leaned back into his face his gaze flicking between you, Jughead, and Bettys retreating figure. "Wait, whats happening?" You and Jughead ignored him as you watched Betty and Archie exchange a few words and then head outside. You slid into Bettys now vacant seat next to Jughead to get a better view out the window. This was all about to come crashing down around Archies head, and like watching a trainwreck you couldnt look away. Even as unease and disgust was causing your stomach to flip.

"Whats happening out there? Do we know? Is it about me?" Veronica shot off rapid fire questions at Jughead as Kevin peered out the window. Jughead slumped down in his seat, his face contorted into unease. "I have a strong inkling and no, Also I'd let it go." "Yes, but you're you, and I'm me. You do you, girl. Ill be back." Veronica said while getting up from the booth with a lighthearted smile. "Veronica. You really should just let it drop." You added in an attempt to stop her from going.

Veronica just smiled at you mischievously and walked out the door into the parking lot. Jughead sighed and rolled his eyes. Kevin leaned in and looked at Jughead, "What was it like before she got here? I honestly cannot remember."

You laughed lightly, a slight hint of darkness clouding your eyes. "You mean Riverdale wasn't always straight out of a soap opera? Somehow I find that hard to believe." your words were dripping with sarcasm and a hint of bitterness.

Kevin just smiled awkwardly and turned his attention back to the window. You closed your eyes and leaned back into the vinyl of the seat and let out a long sigh. You were torn between just fleeing this insane town ASAP or punching Ms. Grundy in the face...or maybe just having her arrested...and then punching Archie in the face for once again being an idiot. All options sounded pretty good. When you opened your eyes Kevin was gone and Jughead was staring at you. "I'm not going to rat Archie out, Jughead. If thats what you're worried about somehow I think that would just hurt everyone worse." you offered quietly while switching to the other side of the booth.

"I wasn't worried about that. you just looked queasy." he replied. You sighed and ruffled a hand through your hair. "Student-teacher relationships Jughead. its sick. I know Archie is your friend, But its so, so,* wrong. And its all just about to get worse as far as I can tell." Jughead nodded and dropped his gaze down to the table. you grabbed a pen from the table and flicked it back and forth between your fingers, watching absentmindedly while it spun. An uneasy silence filled the air around the booth. "do you mind? if...if I hang out here for awhile longer? I dont want to go home yet." you asked quiety, your gaze on a small dent in the table. Jughead smiled, "As long as youre buying." he joked.

you grinned, "Paying you in food to hang out. its a little hookerish, but you have a deal Jones."

You grabbed your sketchbook that you had thrown in your backpack, and Jughead pulled out his laptop from his bag under the table. You both spent the next few hours in a comfortable silence, only talking occasionally to order a refill on a milkshake or get another round of food. At around 1am you finally had to tap out, your eyes were starting to close by themselves and it was getting harder for you to stay awake. You packed up your belongings and slipped on your jacket, Jughead looked up from his laptop. "Hey Jughead, I'm gonna head home now. My goldfish probably misses me." you smiled sleepily at your own semi-joke.

"Your goldfish, and not your parents?" Jughead asked. which would be a fair question, not many people would let their kid stay out so late.

"My goldfish is the only one missing me at home." you said quietly, your gaze averting from his. Jughead shut his laptop, before slipping it back into his bag.

"I know the feeling" Jughead said softly, his eyes cold. You didnt pry, it was obviously a touchy subject. So you grabbed your backpack and paid the tab the two of you had racked up shaking off the heavy tension, and headed towards the door, but Jugheads voice stopped you. "See you at school tomorrow (y/n)?" You smiled at him, "Count on it."

The next morning as you walked past the blue and gold offices an arm shot out and pulled you into the room. You stumbled and twirled around to see a nervous Betty wringing her hands, and waiting for you to get your bearings. "Betty! what the hell?" you said annoyed.

Betty looked around nervously before closing the door, "Sorry (y/n) I just need your help with something. I have something to tell you about Ms. Grundy and its--"

"That she and Archie are...dating?" you cut Betty off, cringing at the last word. She gaped at you, "You know about that?" You nodded, "I figured it out at pops the other night...wait, about that, is there something else?"

Betty walked over to her computer and gestured for you to follow, "Yeah look at this-" Betty pulled up a Bunch of tabs, all different social media accounts of Geraldine Grundy. "-everything about her was made around the same time, a year ago. before that Geraldine Grundy doesn't exist."

"...shit. Does Archie know?" you asked as ran a hand through your hair, sighing loudly..

"No. Im meeting him at Pops after school, I'm going to tell him then." Betty replied.

"Betty why are you telling me this?" "I just wanted a impartial third party to confirm that I wasn't being totally crazy about this social media thing." Betty said.

"Look Betty its super sketchy, but be careful. This whole Archie and Grundy bullshit is going to come crashing down Don’t get caught in the mess."

Later that day, you were sitting at the kitchen table working on biology homework when a knock sounded at your front door. You stood up from the wooden chair with a sigh and padded across the tiled kitchen floor into the living room, and then to the front door. You opened the door to see Jughead standing on your porch.

"I need your help, noone will listen to the concerns of one disgruntled employee, and you're the only other person in this town who cares the starlight is closing." he had his arms crossed, but his face was pleading. an odd mix of vulnerable and guarded.

"Hello to you too, yes this is a new shirt thanks for noticing, I'm also sorry for missing you at school." you paused but Jughead didn't respond. You sighed."Of course I'll help Jughead." You grabbed his arm and pulled him with you into the kitchen. "Do you have a plan?"

Jughead glanced around your kitchen, taking in the wood paneled floors and the weird mint green cupboards the previous owners had installed. "I want to appeal to Mayor McCoy directly, show her there are people other than addicts and thugs that frequent the drive in." Jughead started, but you cut him off.

"I take it im the 'people' in this scenario? you know for all you know I could be an addict AND a thug...I mean, I'm not. but wouldn't Betty be better for this? I’m kind of an unknown in this town."  you said sarcastically as you hopped up on your kitchen counter.

Jughead stared at you from across the room. "Bettys distracted with the whole Archie and Grundy thing-" You grimaced. "-But, it doesn't matter, Betty doesn't go to the drive-in. you do. So we'll show her normal highschool kids show up, not just Riverdales 'criminal element'."

You pushed yourself off the countertop and grabbed your jacket from the back of a wooden chair where you had flung it earlier. "Alright. lets go." You and Jughead walked side by side to city hall, going over your strategy. so far the plan was use you as a prime example of the twilights redeeming qualities and if that failed, wing it.

When you got to city hall, the mayors secretary waved you in while she chatted on the phone. You trailed behind Jughead. The mayor was moving around her office flipping through papers. "Mayor McCoy you cant close the Twilight Drive-in."  Jughead piped up before the mayor could say anything "Its a staple of this town!"  You nodded along.

She moved to stand behind her desk, "I'm sorry, but the Twilight Drive in? Its a blight thats become a cesspool! And a hangout for criminals and transients." she took a seat in the red leather chair and continued to flip through her papers. "And normal highschool students! Im there almost every weekend." You shot back from next to the scale model of the town. annoyance biting at your words. The mayor smiled at you tightly, like a parent trying to get their child to behave in public. "Look kids, The deals done. Andrews construction is set to demolish the lot on monday."

You narrowed your eyes slightly at her. You were pissed beyond belief, but you had no idea what to say. 

Jughead bit his lip and glanced down, bouncing slightly. He grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the mayors desk. "Mayor McCoy, when I was a kid, my family and I would go to the drive-in all the time.- " She finally put down her papers and crossed her arms, leaning on her desk, giving Jughead her full attention. "-We couldn't afford tickets for everyone...so my sister, Jellybean, and I would hide in the trunk until we parked. we'd sneak out." He shook his head slightly at the last part. your heart broke for him as he looked the mayor in the eye again, his expression pleading."It's like my home."

The mayor glanced away and then looked at him again. "Thats a very sweet sentiment, Mr. Jones. But the future of Riverdale is at stake." her expression and voice were almost kind, but there was an edge of condescension in every word. Jughead shook his head and stood up from the chair, heading straight for the door.

"Jughead!" you called after him. but he didn't stop. You turned to face the mayor and gave her the best glare you could manage before running after Jughead. You headed out the double doors of the mayors office to see Jughead disappearing around the corner, The floorboards creaked softly as you jogged to catch up with him.

"Jughead, wait!" you called after him again, your voice echoing through the empty hallway. He finally paused and turned to face you. "I'm sorry." you said, there was nothing else you could say. you could tell he was hurting, and you had no idea how to help.

"Thanks for trying." was all Jughead said before he walked away again. And this time you didn't follow. 

That Friday night you trailed behind Kevins truck in yours, his truck only had two seats so you had to take yours. He and Veronica parked and you took the spot next to them, the three of you immediately climbed out of your vehicles and started setting up the blankets. the spots around you started quickly filling up as just about every person in Riverdale arrived in the gravel lot for the Twilights final showing. 

Kevin and Veronica settled in as you pulled out your sketchbook, an empty page staring back at you, but you had a plan for it. You grabbed your pencil and started recording what you saw in graphite and paper, The twilights curtain call. The people of riverdale moving around you, the soft glow of the screen, casting everything in shadows. You knew things were happening around you; Cheryl climbing in with Kevin and Veronica, Bettys mom showing up and dragging off Archies dad. But you were focused on this scene, not anyone elses.  

For almost two hours you sketched, shaded, and erased. until you had something that reflected what you were trying to capture. You carefully tore it from your sketchbook as the movie began to roll the credits in the background. You folded the page and scrawled a note on the back.

'a little piece of home. --(y/n)'

As people started to pack up their things and go home, you walked to the projector house and looked at the paper in your hands again, the words on the back staring back at you as you slipped the drawing under the door and knocked, before turning and walking away to join the line of people leaving the drive in for the last time.

But even as you climbed into your truck, you couldn't shake the feeling the twilight drive-in wouldn't be the only thing changing in Riverdale.

Tags list: @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @deanackles67 @thejourneyofabrokenheart @bbyhansol143 @half-and-halfxx @yummyphoenix39 @scrolling-my-life away @littlefrenchbird

[bewareofchris]

The Atomic Clusterfuck 20-30 + ...Wanda this isn't your fault.  But Sokovia was.  It's okay though because you Steve have bonded.  He always wanted a daughter who also was an underdog and now he has you.

+ Steve is simultaneously the most pragmatic and most unrealistic person in regards to how people will most likely die.  When he's comforting Wanda: we save who we can.  When he's dangling off a cliff in Sokovia: NO LOOK WE SAVE ALL THESE ONES IN THE CITY OR THE ENTIRE PLANET DIES.  He just gets caught up.  Or he actually has no opinion and he compulsive says whatever.

+  I don't know who Secretary Ross is (in the comics/in the greater MCU) but I dislike him on principle.  "We owe you a debt, however you're a bunch of assholes."

+ YOU PUT STEVE "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE RULES" ROGERS IN CHARGE OF THESE PEOPLE.  OF COURSE THEY IGNORE BORDERS.

+  There is literally no way you can blame New York on the Avengers.  Unless they actively recruited Loki between movies.  "Oh Loki?  he's a great guy!  He’s Steve Roger’s personal secretary."  “Assistant, Sam.”  “His assistant sorry.”

+ Yeah, Washington DC when Steve saved the entire planet from being killed; but ok.

+ Sokovia is kind of their fault.  Mostly Wanda's.

+ After those other catastrophes the fire that killed the Wakandans seems small.

+ "The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place."

+ Secretary Ross, didn't you misplace Hulk?  I feel like you did.

+ "Talk it over" except that it's not really a thing that you can talk over because the planet has made this choice for you.  The pretense of allowing you the choice is kind of like a parent being like: "Johnny you can either do what I say or I can spank you and then you'll still have to do what I say."  Yeah there's no choice there.  Zero choices.  This is a black hole of choices.

+ Zemo's plan is so incredibly farfetched its like he saw Batman Vs Superman in theaters and was inspired.  He was like, I BET I CAN MAKE A MORE CONVOLUTED PLOTLINE THAN LEX LUTHOR, and he set off on making his dream a reality with zero explanation how he manages to cross borders, or gather his information, or travel, or afford this shit, or impersonate people so perfectly, or forge documents?  

+ How did Zemo get the nice man upside down like that?

+  How does Zemo know all these things?  Why does Zemo go after the Winter Soldier if he secretly just wants Cap to kill Tony?  Why can't he just do the thing where he shows up and cries at Tony because that would have literally been equally effective.  Also, Bucky didn’t do shit to Zemo so why is he picking on him?  Is there a new exhibit at the Smithsonian that is basically just STEVE ROGERS LOVES BUCKY BARNES 5EVER, also Bucky is the Winter Soldier?  Does the average person on the planet know how attached to Bucky, Steve is?  Because a couple movies ago, The Winter Soldier was a Ghost and nobody even knew that he was the same dude as Bucky but now Zemo knows?  

+ Why is Zemo’s plot so needlessly complicated?  How long as he had to develop it?  How many different countries does it take place in?  When does he get a PHd in bomb making?  

+ Rhodey.  Really.

+  ITS ONLY BEEN EIGHT YEARS SINCE MR. STARK ANNOUNCED HIMSELF AS IRON MAN?  

+ Tony, you're so passive aggressive.  "Just pain, discomfort."  "Oh that's Charles Spencer btw."  "He wanted to make a difference I suppose.  We won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass."  

+  "If we can't accept limitations, we're boundary-less, we're not better than the bad guys."  

+ ..........this is fundamentally opposite to everything I understand about Tony Stark.  This is the very basis for the idea that Tony doesn't actually want the Accords, he just doesn't want to have to take the blame anymore.  And this is ok.  It's not a bad motivation because Tony is getting heaps of blame every time he does anything.  He's not even a current member of the Avengers and grieving Moms are still tracking his ass down to be like My Son Died, BOOM.  

+  Then there's the American Dreamsicle like, yes people die but we don't give up.  Which isn't actually an answer to "maybe we should have a committee of folks to consult with on the ethics of getting involved.”  On the one hand if another Loki jumps out of a skyhole I feel the Avengers would need to be involved, but if its just a random old enemy of Steve Rogers hijacking biological weapons, maybe the humans could handle that.

+ Steve: THIS DOCUMENT JUST SHIFTS THE BLAME.  Yes.  Exactly.  

+  Rhodey isn't a joke for once.  

+ "If we sign this we surrender our right to choose."   "The safest hands are still our own."

+ "If we don't do this now, its gonna to be done to us later." --that is not compromise.  that's a threat.

+ I'm with Sam, what the fuck Natasha?  Not even Tony believes it.  I mean I don't believe it either.  (Since she changes fucking sides before the end of the movie, apparently she couldn’t believe it either.)

[redrobemerle]

tagged by @seasideribbon ! rules: answer the questions and tag 20 followers you want to get to know better — name: jd/quiche/kin names nickname: bread zodiac sign: virgo hogwarts house: hufflepuff height: 5'4.25" sexual orientation: ace (also aro but thats romo orientation) ethnicity: white favourite fruit: pineapple or strawberry probably favourite season: fall favourite book series: either the rune series or the Original 7™ harry potter books favourite fictional character: i? love too many dont make me choose between my ccs like this but if were talking non-cc characters,, probably wadanohara from watgbs :0 favourite flower: orange roses favourite scent: vanilla or like,,, those "ocean" scented orbeez favourite colour: i like dark colors mostly? like. navy blue and scarlet favourite animal: wolves favourite band: at the moment probs set it off coffee, tea or hot chocolate: hot cocoa!! average hours of sleep: fall asleep somewhere between 12 and 2 am and wake up somewhere between 9 and 11 am number of blankets: depends on the time of year and how mild the season!! generally its 1 heavy one for spring and fall, a thin one for summer, and like. 2 thin ones and a heavy one in the winter dream trip: if i could go to epcott every day of my life i would die happy last thing i googled: hunchback of notre dame movie number of blogs i follow: 2043, apparently number of followers: 699. i wonder how many are bots that followed before i started caring about that what do i usually post: honestly this blog is just a clusterfuck of everything do i get asks regularly: not really im not gonna tag specific ppl but if u wanna do it then! tag ur it!

[coyotalia]

You’re the selfish one here.

Up until last week, I have never been suicidal. I’ve never been able to fathom being such a thing. I love life. All the good, all the bad. Everything. All my memories. The people I’ve met. The year I was born. The schools I went to. The pets I’ve been blessed to have in my life. Everything. It’s all so unique and special. I’ve been morbidly depressed and lonely. I’ve self-harmed a couple times, but never with the intent to die. It was always just to make the pain be physical, and not just be mental or psychological. Physical pain is easier to deal with, in my opinion. I’ve known so many suicidal people and have known people who committed suicide. Although I can empathize with them, I have never understood them. How can you choose to leave life? There’s so much to live for. There’s so much to do. To see. To be. Don’t you want an epic death? I do. I want to die in some heroic way, like D’artagnan in The Man in the Iron Mask. That’d be the perfect death. Don’t you want to live a long life and accomplish your dreams?

And yet…last week I nearly killed myself. It was thoughtless. Emotionless. I had it planned out. I was going to drown myself in the bath tub. But I was banking on having Epsom salts. Why? I was so fucking stressed. I had been having panic attack symptoms all week. I was constantly jittery, exhausted, and was just tired of feeling that way. It’s not like me to want to “end it all”. I always believe in fighting to live. Struggling. Suffering. The hardships of being human, but worth it. But I didn’t feel this way that day. I was too tired. Too done. Imagining myself just relaxing in a hot bath and then letting myself drown sounded so nice. Letting myself drown. Funny, that’s not that easy to do. And drowning is actually one of my biggest fears. This all goes to show that I wasn’t myself. When I realized we didn’t have Epsom salts I grumpily chose to take a shower instead. Still with the same intent. (Though, drowning oneself in a shower is impossibly difficult.) But I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, no version of Wren wants to die. This is so weird.” But it was like I was an autopilot all the same. I knew logically that I didn’t want to die, but I also was still going through with it. I was so chill about it. So relaxed. It didn’t work though. I just fell down numerous times in the shower until I finally gave up. But I remember thinking that it didn’t matter. You know, if I died. No one would notice for a while. No one even knew I fell in the shower three times. So I clothed myself and made a post about it and moved on. By then I was post-suicidal. It didn’t work out, I was over it. The shower had helped me relax and I didn’t feel as panic-y and jittery as before. I felt like I could finally get a good night’s sleep.

But my friend saw my post and got worried. She couldn’t get a hold of me so naturally told my parents who told my sister who eventually called my housemate who I was sitting next to watching a movie with. That was a clusterfuck. By then I was so post-suicidal it was just difficult. Hearing my sister’s teary-eyed voice over the phone. Trying to be strong. I could sense her worry, and her anger, and her sadness. Frustration. I tried to reassure her I was fine and then told her to tell our parents I’m fine. No way would I be calling them. My dad is still upset about his son dying (my half-brother) and my mom and I are fighting right now and she’s just too cry-y for me. But ugh, it was just terrible. But it was also like karma. Because I was on their side a couple months ago when the person I was sitting next to watching the movie with was suicidal. I fought so hard to keep him from killing himself. I even called his ex for help because I didn’t know who else to reach out to. I feel so bad about that now. So when this situation happened, he just sorta smirked at me and said “see how it feels”. I get it now.

And now I get what my one ex said. He was suicidal and I didn’t get it. “I’m here for you. Call me if you feel depressed.” I’d tell him. He’d shrug, like I didn’t get it. He was right, I didn’t. And even now after people in my life heard about my “suicide scare”, they’re the same. “We’re here for you. Don’t feel like you can’t call us if you need to.” But when I felt suicidal, I wasn’t thinking of anyone. I wasn’t thinking that I felt alone and that no one loved me. I know lots of people love me. I know that if I needed to, there were people I could talk to about this. But nobody was in my mind. I wasn’t even in my mind. I was thoughtless, emotionless, calm, collected.

But see here’s the thing. People always say that suicidal people are selfish. As a non-suicidal person, I never quite agreed with that. I didn’t ever understand the logic. How is someone who wants to die selfish? It’s their choice, isn’t it? To live or to die. It’s their life. It’s like, why aren’t people allowed to kill themselves in hospitals or what-not? Why is suicide such a banned thing? Like it’s terrible, yeah, but mostly for the people left behind. I wouldn’t let my friend kill himself not for his sake, but for mine. I needed him. I was depressed and going through some tough shit and was choosing him to lean on. If he killed himself, my life would flip upside down. How would I deal with the emptiness he left behind? And even more practically, he was the main name on the lease and had all the utilities and stuff in his name and had a lot of stuff and we had only just become friends—how did he expect me to fix everything? So I fought to keep him around and over time became very attached. He still says “kill me” or “end me” all the time, and it hurts…it hurts because I feel bad that I didn’t let him go. He wouldn’t be struggling so hard right now if I had just let him go. It was his choice and he had every right to choose it, but I stood in the way. Selfishly. I was the selfish one. I kept him around for me, not for him. And now I’m on the other side of it.

I was in the car with my sister and my brother-in-law. They talked about how I “threatened” to commit suicide and how they feel like everything they’re doing to help me isn’t actually helping. All I could think is, “wow, you’re making this about you.” All I could hear is, “We lent you a shit-ton of money and if you die, how the fuck are we going to get that back?” All I could hear was them complaining about how they don’t feel like they’re good enough for me and that somehow I drove them away or made them seem unimportant. And all I could think was—wow, how selfish. In that day that I felt suicidal, I wasn’t thinking about either of you. I wasn’t thinking that you’re not there for me. I wasn’t thinking that I can’t come to you for help. I wasn’t thinking about how much money I owe you or how I’m going to pay it back or how guilty I feel that I owe you money. That’s all true but I wasn’t thinking about it then. I was just thinking about the nice feeling of soaking up the warm bath water and letting myself go. How nice and warm it would feel. How calm and relaxing. I wasn’t thinking about everything I’d be leaving behind. I wasn’t thinking about the guinea pigs in my care. I wasn’t thinking about paying people back. I wasn’t thinking about people who have helped me or people who have hurt me. I wasn’t thinking of anyone. Just what I wanted to do in that moment. But now in this car you made me think about other stuff. You made me think about how my death would inconvenience you. Just like I worried about my friend. How would his death inconvenience me, when I get past the emotion of it? Selfish, so selfish. Thinking of it switched, if my sister committed suicide…I’d feel hurt. Hurt that she didn’t reach out. Hurt that she broke our special sibling connection. She and I have memories and inside jokes that are only between us. If she took that away, I’d feel so alone. Hurt that she didn’t include me in her decision. So I get where she’s coming from, but that doesn’t make it any less selfish.

This isn’t about you. My life isn’t about you. My death certainly isn’t. But that’s beside the point. I am NOT suicidal. I just was that one time. But now you paint me as this troubled, depressed person that needs help. Yeah, I’m struggling. But I’m not mentally ill. Life is just really hard right now and I don’t think you get how hard that is. I don’t think most people take me seriously. Either they don’t realize how much I’m struggling, or they do but pretend they don’t because they can’t or won’t actually help if I need it.

I don’t know what the point of this post was. Just wanted to get this out, I guess. It’s like now that I’ve felt this way I understand better the people in my life who have felt suicidal, especially the ones who made the decision so calmly and as an independent decision. And I also understand how annoying other people are. People who don’t get it. People who make it about them without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. People who are truly the selfish ones.

If I want to die, that’s my decision. You shouldn’t get a say in it. If you love me, you’ll respect that. If you disregard that and keep me here anyway (like I did to my friend), you should at least acknowledge your own selfishness. I certainly have.

[chelliebean3]

I wrote a thing last night between like, 3 and 4:30am. I thought I’d preserve it for posterity or whatever. 

~

I was thinking earlier about that one Dumbledore quote – it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live. I’m pretty sure I’ve spent my whole life dwelling.

There are just – there are these things, moments, flashes of the things I want more than anything. I feel it for just a second, less than a second, but it aches so sweetly. Pictures of my classmates, smiling and holding each other. That low harmony in Drive. Lyrics, lines from my favourite books – a kingdom, or this.

I see and hear and read and take in these things, and for just a moment I feel what I want to feel. I feel something like belonging, like being wanted; warmth and welcoming; admiration, desire. And more than that – I feel happy and confident and at peace – never at rest, but at peace. I never want to lose the drive to do my best and give the most I can, but someday I hope I feel like I am enough as I am. I hope I am enough, at least for me, and (I beg) for some people in my life. Wouldn’t that be something? Being loved. Man.

Only worth living if there’s someone loving you, right?

And I realize – I’m not alone in the whole world on this, but – in my circle of people who give a shit about me, I am alone in this. This being a refusal to settle. (As if settling was even an option for me – easy to refuse something that isn’t being offered). Every single one of my friends is settling in one way or another. Some are more heartbreaking than others.

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m making it all up.

I know it won’t be perfect, nothing in life is ever perfect, but can’t it be extraordinary?

//

It’s 3:30am – I’m listening to Sleepover. I’m just feeling low, feeling low. It’s raining, or was raining earlier. Sometimes I hear a car drive by. I always appreciated the sound of cars driving on wet roads. I just feel alone, feel alone.

//

What is it? I don’t like that other people cope more beautifully. Or more effectively. Either one would be good, if I’m being honest. I hate the part of me that yearns for something so stupid. The aesthetic. The poetry of it all. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember – maybe from the first time I kept a journal. That was 10 years old. Over half my life ago.

You’d think after so many years of being this dramatic, clichéd person, I’d at least be better at it, right? But it doesn’t work that way. Why do I care so much anyway?

 //

It’ll always be something. Adding things, people, accomplishments to the clusterfuck that is my life won’t make me feel any more worthy, or loved, or like I belong. And if I can’t get it from external sources, how will I cultivate these feelings? I don’t know if my brain will ever function much differently from how it does. It is what it is.

Truism. That’s what those are called.

//

And sex won’t solve this. Weed won’t solve this.

//

Maybe I should – buy in a little more. Just a little. Disengage from politics just enough to keep my sanity. You know, lose the weight, get a nose job. Wear expensive suits. The whole shebang. And when I make it, I can just cut all my hair off, and live for myself.

Sure, it means wasting 5-10 years of my life doing shit I don’t care about with people I don’t like, but I could learn to care. I could learn to get along. Find the kind of shallow happiness everyone else seems to like so much. Hell, maybe it’ll calm me the fuck down for a bit, and I can stop going on 1000 word rants when I’m stoned. Imagine!

//

I just feel like, no matter what I do, I’m going to look back on this and regret. Feel shame. Resent. I’m going to be bitter because of opportunities not taken, or mistakes made. Which would I rather? We could play it out both ways. I should do that when I have more energy.

But I am thinking – the biggest regret will be, already is, everything I’ve missed out on because I hate myself.

I’m listening to Young, and I never. I never, and now I will never. I’m not young anymore. I missed all that – god, I never will learn. I missed young love. I never learned to love. So many firsts, so many experiences I never had.

Yeah, it’s hard when you’re young, but it’s harder when you’re not.

I don’t think I’ve ever properly mourned for these losses. The hand-holding, the movie dates. Awkward meet-the-parents. School dances, love letters. Even later – all through undergrad. First year, especially. Then second year. What was I doing? Why didn’t I try harder?

It hurts. It really does. There was so much I wanted, so badly. I never thought much beyond that 16-25 period. Everyone, real and fictional, told me that was the only time that mattered. Everything happened then. And if not everything, then all the firsts. Sure, stuff happened to people over 30, but it was seconds. Not firsts.

//

What do I do? Do I change what I want? Myself? I can’t change the people around me. I can’t will the world I want into existence – god, what a world. What a world. I told myself I wanted the real world – that was the choice, I think. English or politics? Old dream or new? Maybe I should have stuck with English – with my fictional worlds that were closer to the world I want than the real world. But I thought to myself, I’d rather work for the world I want than dream away my life, lost in fantasy worlds. Imperfect, but real. Wasn’t that the right choice?

//

Simple, he says. I like it simple. A best friend, a soulmate. Parents who know me and love me and accept me for who I am. Friends and peers who respect and appreciate me. Things to take care of. To be cared for. Simple.

If I don’t get simple, what do I get? The appearance of simplicity? Embracing the chaos? Something in-between? I’ve never been good with moderate.

//

Obsession. Unbearable intensity. Passion. Consumption. But also – sincerity. Authenticity. Kindness. Understanding.

What am I prepared to offer in return? What do I have? I am – ugly and broken; unappealing; I care too much and not enough and, god, I can be pretentious – not a good mix of anything. What is true about me? Do I know – can I say – anything true about me?

I could say how much I love my dogs. How much I miss Casey. My Poppa. How I worry about my mom all the time – I love her so much, and I resent her, and I envy her, and I look down on her. It’s awful. I’m an awful person. But the truth is I don’t know what is true about me and what I’ve made up – lies I’ve deliberately told myself, and lies I’ve almost innocently picked up over the years and started believing without meaning to.

//

It’s after 4 now, and I’m tired. I’m listening to Cliff’s Edge – it was a moment earlier, this afternoon I think. I want to feel that sea breeze. I want to feel, and not envy. Feel – not think so much. I want to feel more than flickers, more than flashes – I want visceral, intense, unmistakable feelings. Strong. I want it to test the limits of my sensory capacity – I want to be overwhelmed, by something other than despair.

Freedom – freedom. Wind in my hair, joy. The smell of the ocean. I want to feel free.

[totallycorrectfairytailquotes]

Oh! Wow! So we’ve been tagged in a few tag meme posts going around. And since there are 3 Mods, it would be one hella long post and it was agreed that Mod Soleil will do one and Mod Ophelia will do the other. Mod Rhajat wasn’t interested in this aka she was sleeping during the whole discussion.

So we’ll be posting the results under this read more! Thanks @juviatherainlady and @song-of-fairies for being so interested in us and tagging us!

Nicknames: Mod Soleil, Ash, Lilith Star sign: Aries~ Height: Approx. 5’ 3" or 5′ 4″ I’ve never actually been checked. I was checked once forever ago in a doctor’s office and the lady was like “5′3 or 5′4 it doesn’t matter if it’s 1 off.” Time right now: 11:27 am Last thing you googled: “Town of Salem Investigator” I was pretending to be an investigator in the game and I couldn’t remember results oops Song stuck in my head: Shake That Ass - Eminem Last movie I watched: Mama Last TV show I watched: Masamune-kun’s Revenge What am I wearing right now: I’m wearing a pink night gown with floral decor on it. When I created this blog: July 2016 The kind of stuff I post: Totally correct fairy tail quotes of course~ But if we’re talking about my personal account, oh god that’s a clusterfuck of whatever has my interest that day! Do I get asks regularly? No on either blogs. We get plenty of submissions on this blog though! Gender: Female Favourite colour: Purple Average hours of sleep: 5 - 6 on days that I work, 10 - 12 on my days off Lucky number: 7 Favourite (top 10) character(s): Rogue Cheney, Sting Eucliffe, Frosch, Lector, Yukino Aguria, Brandish Mu, Minerva Orland, Future Rogue, Eileen Belserion, Zeref Dragneel

Mod Ophelia’s Turn!

Name: Mod Ophelia my true name is found within the time locked between dusk and dawn! Gender: Female Star sign: Pisces/Aries cusp Height: 5'2 Sexual orientation : Bisexual AF Hogwarts school: I want to be a Ravenclaw but I’m 1000% sure I’d actually be Hufflepuff Fave colours: IDK I can’t pick between Blue and Purple with a splash of pink Fave animals: Whales Average hours of sleep: Six to Eight  Cat or dog person: Dog Fave fictional characters: Rogue Cheney (Fairy Tail), Chrom (Fire Emblem), Owain/Odin (Fire Emblem), Itachi Uchiha (Naruto), the list goes on where do you want me to stop? Number of blankets I sleep with: Depends on the heat. If it’s a really hot night 2 but if it’s cold then 4 Fave singer/band: I don’t have one Dream trip: On a beach with all my tumblr friends swimming in the ocean with whales Job: Marine Biologist When this blog was created: *looks at Soleil’s answer* July 2016, if we’re talking about my personal, I’ve deleted and recreated it so many times i wouldn’t even know Current number of followers: This blog has 6292 followers currently. My personal blog has 206 When your blog will peak: I don’t understand this question and my personal blog never will. What made you decide to make this blog: Mod Soleil were seeing all kinds of incorrect quote blogs for other series but we never saw any about our favorites baes in Fairy Tail so this is basically what this blog is.

[theliterateape]

American Shithole #49 | Welcome Back, Cohen

By Eric Wilson

“When we’re dancing with the angels, the question will be asked: In 2019, what did we do to make sure we kept our democracy intact? Did we stand on the sidelines and say nothing?”

-          ­Rep. Elijah Cummings, closing statement.

As much as I wanted to pen American Shithole #49 | Long Đồng Đăng (a tribute to Trump’s service in Vietnam); like everyone else in politics this week, I watched with keen interest Michael Cohen’s testimony before the House Oversight and Reform Committee on Wednesday.

“He is a racist. He is a Conman. He is a cheat.”

-          Michael Cohen, on Donald Trump during his opening statement.

“Damn, save that for your closer, Michael!” I blurted at the television.

I’ve written about Cohen before (American Shithole #12 | Michael Cohen: Tain't Misbehavin') and while I appreciate his willingness to appear before congress and the world, I believe these hearings have been only marginally informative (at least this public testimony), and nowhere near incendiary enough to fuel any chance at future transparency.

I want my fucking Mueller report; and so do you.

Unfortunately, there were no bombshells; it was more a series of “aha” moments.

What I found more revealing (than the well-anticipated puzzle pieces Mueller cleared Cohen to discuss) were the near-universal, seemingly hive-minded responses from the republicans. They certainly weren’t interested in entertaining any of the damning evidence against the president.

Nothing about Trump at all interested the GOP during these proceedings.

They seemed very interested in book deals though.

“Yes, yes, yes, the president’s a criminal; tell me about boooooook.”

-          Every GOP representative, all day long.

We witnessed a cavalcade of pointless questions from sneering, witless conservatives — questions about book deals mainly; and TV contracts, and movies. One republican after the other, ad nauseam, using their five precious minutes on the world stage to paint Cohen a liar and an opportunist; instead of considering the evidence brought before them, or considering the tragedy of what Cohen had become: a man who’d lost everything in service to the president they themselves foolishly continue to protect.

They weren’t even competent in their smear attempts. Rep. Higgins and Rep. Gosar were particularly embarrassing in their failure.

There is a shortlist of usual suspects vying for the top spot each week in my “Worst Americans” category. Typically billionaires reign supreme, sometimes the Trump base breaks the physical laws of stupid, narrowly squeezing into the lead, and every once in a while it’s the breathtaking cowardice of the GOP that slinks to #1.

Just like everyone else tied to this orange albatross that’s had their careers shredded; their reputations destroyed  — Tea Party republicans like Jim fucking Jordan are going to come to realize that their turn in the hot seat is just around the corner.

Jim didn’t have himself a banner day, either.

Jordan (in typical form) pinned himself (in a political wrestling move I will forever refer to as “The Jordan”), as he mistakenly yielded his time before making the motion to delay the proceedings. Clearly, he was tasked by the GOP to derail the hearing by introducing a particular motion, and Elijah Cummings — who crushed it for his country today — wouldn’t yield the time back!

Watching Freedom Caucus founder Jim Jordan fumble on the opening play (of the only game he’ll likely quarterback, ever again) fills me with such schadenfreudean glee. To have a great man like Elijah Cummings bring dignity back to the Oversight Committee (perhaps to Congress itself) and capitalize on such an embarrassing GOP blunder in front of the entire nation, is icing on the cake.

(Author’s Note: For even more schadenfreude, I have enjoyed Jordan getting mercilessly ridiculed on social media as I edited this piece into the wee hours of Thursday morning. It’s been a treat.)

This was far from my wet dream of a congressional hearing though; for example, I would have loved to have heard some juicy Kompromat reveals for a few noticeably nervous die-hard Trump republicans live on TV — but that didn’t happen. It was certainly an eye-opening day of testimony though; a few times in ways I didn’t expect.

Like many Washington outsiders, I had no idea that Elijah Cummings and staunch conservative Mark Meadows (also a Freedom Caucus leader) were such close friends. In these troubling times I find this both encouraging and frustrating. I find it hard myself; to trust the integrity of anyone that still supports this president. I am also not particularly fond of anyone that has repeatedly tried to kill me, by taking away my healthcare.

So fuck Mark Meadows, whether parading the black Trump supporter out was racist, or not.

Revelations that Trump knew about the stolen emails, that he was in on the Trump Tower meeting, or that he’s committed crimes while in office — juicy as they may be — are rather less than revelatory, and far from explosive in this modern-day Trumpian news cycle deluge that we find ourselves endlessly paddling upstream against; but these proceedings were an important step in restoring some sense of normalcy to a branch of government that has up until now, offered no resistance to this administration.

The process for this kind of hearing is unfortunately a clusterfuck of stupidity; with each representative allotted five minutes to question the witness — which is barely enough time to flesh out a single subject, or explore an idea before time restraints force them to yield the floor. The clusterfucking is compounded yet again by the yielding of individual time between representatives. Throw in the legal inexperience of almost everyone involved, and you’ve got yourself a clusterfuck trifecta.

That being said, Elijah Cummings was successful in keeping this particular shitshow from becoming a three-ring circus. I was particularly moved by his words on more than one occasion.

I didn’t need to set an alarm; I could’ve gotten the highlights from any of the daily news sources, but set an alarm I did — with every intention of being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7 a.m. just in case the shit hit the fan. I was a bit drowsy throughout the proceedings, not being a morning person, or a masochist. Also, counting the hours taken up by this president’s gross negligence, incompetence, and misconduct can make even a gruff-but-lovable old geezer like me, ease into a quality late-morning to early-afternoon nap.

So yeah, I missed a few things.

I roused in time to hear Elijah Cummings speak truth to power in his closing statement though; and then again to the reporters waiting outside.

“At least the first two years are behind us,” I thought to myself, as I nodded off again.

The talking heads, busy as bees breaking down the day’s events, faded like white noise into the background static.

[joshuazev]

On late nights and free days:

I started this post during a long break that I had in the beginning of the day, but I literally stared from my computer screen and then to the wall and then to the open door in my room and then towards the front door because, to be honest, that is where my mind was today; the internet, in no man’s land, longing for sleep, and the real world.  It just wasn’t the type of moment we all dream of when Harry picks up that wand and the warmth floods to his hands and sparks fly out the end.  No.  When I put finger to keyboard I was left disappointed that nothing was surfacing in the early afternoon.  I wasn’t being hard on myself.  Maybe I needed to experience more of the day to comment on it.  Comment on how I felt.  I received word from my roommate Alex Gittleman, who is enjoying a month away with his girlfriend in Paris at the moment and for those first hours of the day I wished I could be transported to him to go to this one restaurant that I’ve seen on YouTube that serves up some of the most delicious sandwiches, but after a quick scan of my apartment, a look in the oven and the fridge, and an open and close of the toilet, I learned that my time traveling device was not coming to light when I needed it most.  I often yearn to travel to Paris, even if only for a week or so.  Just to walk through neighborhoods that are called arrondissements and walk through bridges hearing a foreign language that I love listening to that is not my own.  The place in question though, if you were interested, is called Chez Alain Miam Miam and is located in Le Marais.  I will leave it there.  Do yourself a favor and get inspired by going on Google images and looking at that divine creation.  Last year Alex and I had an idea to make an Instagram account that showcased New York’s best sandwiches, but it kind of petered out.  It was an expensive task and required effort and an ability to travel that neither of us really had.  Still, I told him today that we would be going there the next time we were in Paris together.  It was a must—no exceptions.  There are other reasons to go to Paris and to go to France, but well…yeah.  There are other reasons.

Today was my last day catering for the foreseeable future.  Apparently right around Christmas time it gets real slow.  A lot of people were chatting about filing for unemployment.  $350 a week, they said.  I wasn’t comfortable with that idea.  I know what happens to me when I’m not working.  I feel like a bum.  Plus, that all seemed a little fishy.  However, it did raise a valid question: what will I do next?  Where will I work?  I think there usually is an event here and there, but nothing to pay the bills with.  Again, I am faced with the decision to try and go back to my gym job (if they’ll rehire me), work in a restaurant, or explore other options.  I had some pretty consistent work there for a couple of months, but now that I’m done I’ll have to reevaluate again.  Many of the people that I met seemed not to be worried at all.  Maybe it was because it was so close to the holidays that none of them were really focused on what was to come after the holidays.  They were probably thinking of going home, taking vacations, or using the money that they made to spend on other endeavors.  They all acted like veterans.  I could have taken some notes.  I met a lot of really cool people working with the three catering companies I was hired by.  They were pretty much all actors, which made talking to them really easy.  I had a great time picking their brains, asking them questions, but most of all, just getting to know them.  I’m definitely gonna try and keep in touch with a lot of them.  

Today’s event was a clusterfuck, shitshow, big ‘ol son of a bitch.  It was a kosher wedding for 750 at Ziegfeld Ballroom.  It’s not that Ziegfeld wasn’t big enough to contain all the people, it was just a headache, that’s all.  I have to admit that I was probably doing a mixture of observing and working during this particular job.  The two families involved were Orthodox and borderline Hasidic.  I was in the group upstairs where all of the guys had a sort of pre-dinner ceremony in which all 150 of them signed a marriage contract.  Remember, that all of the men and women were kept separate, but more on that later.  It didn’t take more than five minutes before the singing started, young men, drunk with kippahs chanting loudly in Hebrew, pounding the table, with the forefathers and their wonderful hats and great grey beards sitting at the head, and living a gestural life.  The food station was getting slammed by kippahs and spectacles and suits and accents in between “What’s this?  Chicken?  Lamb?  Brisket?  Sure, I’ll try some.  No that’s too much.  No that’s too little.”  Picking up right from wherever they had left off.  The chef behind the table was also Jewish, but “in a different way,” as he put it.  He was making jokes constantly, but none of them seemed to land.  I’ll admit that I didn’t understand them too well, either.  He was floored, however, when he had given a guy some lamb, the guy tried it, he asked if it was good, the guy answered said it was good, the chef asked, “how good” and the guy replied, “pretty…pretty…pretty good,” an obvious ode to Larry David and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and acted as a welcomed punch to the stomach because the chef keeled over laughing.  

Several times during this pre dinner service I found myself lost in thought and didn’t really know what to make of what I was seeing.  My distance from what I was seeing only got greater and greater.  The dancing.  The hebrew.  The prayer shawls sticking out from underneath the suit jackets.  The hats.  And then, when I only partially heard the chef say, “Oh, look, they’re doing minyan.”  It took me a couple minutes to realize what he said because I shrugged the word off, not knowing what it meant or what it referred to, but then after snapping myself out of staring off into space, I looked to my left, which was really east and saw them all facing in my direction and going through fantastical motions: heel raising, nodding, muttering, eyes closing, eyes opening, bowing, not making eye contact, the younger ones checking their phones to remind themselves, going right, going left.  I wondered during one point of their prayers whether it was a race against time or something?  I mean, I didn’t know if it was done every day—I assumed it was—but I was watching lives speak silently that looked like they were competing for the fastest speakers in the Guiness book of world records or something.  For some crazy reason, they all finished at the same time, or one guy finished first and they all followed suit.  It took me back to my time with BirthRight in Israel, during my trip to the Western Wall.  (Hence why they were all facing me).  I felt the same way then as I did here.  I felt like a foreigner in my own skin.  In Israel there were many times that I did.  And on the plane back from Tel Aviv to Israel, when I woke up after a ten hour nap to see everyone that wasn’t apart of my trip praying in their seats, eyes closed, some standing, some seated.  I didn’t really know what to make of it.  What I do know is that they certainly carry themselves as if they are the only real Jews that exist and sadly, I neither agree or disagree.  I know that they have their greater agenda, whatever that may be, but that if it wasn’t for them, the declining reform population of people my generation and younger (decline isn’t the right word, less passionate maybe?) doesn’t seem as stark.  They wear the clothes, carry on the language, repopulate and influence the same, and I’m a guy who had a bar mitzvah, went to Hebrew school for a while, but didn’t light one candle for Hannukkah this year, nor did I step in a synagogue or attend high holy days.  Whatever reservations I feel, I have only myself to look at in the mirror.  

After working three catering days in a row tomorrow I have the day off and I’ve been scheming for this day for a while now.  This movie pass, man, tomorrow it shall be utilized to the fullest degree.  There’s that new Pixar movie, “Coco” that looks good.  There are a couple of Miyazaki movies that are showing that have been on my list; those could be some good options.  Star Wars in non 3D might be a winner.  Lady Bird.  Call Me By Your Name?  Florida Project looks good.  Heard mostly good things about Three Billboards.  The day is wide open.  40 degrees and sunny.  Go to a new neighborhood?  Get together with some friends?  Get a big slice of Sicilian pizza?  Organize my room?  Sleep in?  What you thinking 2017?  Should I start on some resolutions?  Only 11 days left, you know.  What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?

Catering, it was fun.  See you soon, hopefully?

What does the next chapter hold?

[ragincagein4life]

USS Indianapolis

I haven’t posted a Ragin’ Cagein’ review in months; a grave offense on par with Nicy Poo’s hair (wig? spray paint?) in our next film: USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage.  You probably haven’t heard of this movie because Cagey Kins churns out blockbusters (we’ll use that term very loosely) like he needs to pay back the IRS after bankruptcy…oh wait.  Before pressing play, I decided to do a little research on the old Goog to see what pops up.  It currently has 5.1/10 stars on IMDB, which is actually pretty good for our resident screamer.  But then I saw the review on Rotten Tomatoes…9%...me thinks we found a winner.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching this tasty treat, here is the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExSDMWJhm_Q

Before diving in (pun intended…too soon?) here’s a little background on the event this movie attempts to recreate on screen, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Her sinking led to the greatest single loss of life at sea in the history of the U.S. Navy. On 30 July 1945, after a high-speed trip to deliver parts for Little Boy, the first atomic bomb used in combat, to the United States air base at Tinian, the ship was torpedoed by the Imperial Japanese Navy submarine I-58 while on her way to the Philippines, sinking in 12 minutes. Of 1,196 crewmen aboard, approximately 300 went down with the ship. The remaining 900 faced exposure, dehydration, saltwater poisoning, and shark attacks while floating with few lifeboats and almost no food or water. The Navy learned of the sinking when survivors were spotted four days later by the crew of a PV-1 Ventura on routine patrol. Only 317 survived.

U.S.S Indianapolis

Needless to say, this was and still is an incredibly tragic moment in U.S. history that should be treated with respect.  So why was Nic Cage chosen to star in this film?  Great question.  And why I am choosing to review this movie in my snarky voice?  Because it’s my duty as an American! (No it’s not). 

I’ll be honest, I’m already pretty excited to watch this movie because it’s been several months since my last Cage experience and the opening credits is like a desert oasis when I saw this…

A FILM BY

MARIO VAN PEEBLES

Jesus take the wheel.  Or should I say helm?  Anyway, on with the show! 

“There will always be war until we kill our own species.”   

With writing like that, I’m shocked this wasn’t a shoe in for an Oscar Meyer hotdog.  Alas, the graphics are horrendous!  It looks like a computer game played on Windows 95.  Already this plot is tough to follow, one minute NC is writing a letter to his wife (I assume), the next we’re following two young seaman on their romantic interludes (unfortunately isn’t not with each other).  Then we switch to a Japanese submarine where of course all the lighting is red (EVIL!) and they’re sacrificing themselves when it doesn’t even seem necessary.  New characters are introduced in practically every scene with “subtle” foreshadowing about sharks, specifically, their rows of sharp teeth and that humans are at the bottom of the food chain when swimming in the ocean.  

Wait, is that Tom Sizemore?  He’s actually looking pretty good (thank you Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab) and I’m glad to see he’s still making war movies...even if they star a melted candle in a wig (seriously though, what is going on with Nic Cage’s face??  His complexion looks gray).  

One of the more flattering shots I could find.

And the glorious writing just keeps coming.  “This isn’t a minstrel show..this is the UNITED STATES NAVY.”  Another cutting line from a naval officer.  Seaman are notorious for dicking around at minstrel shows.

Quick side note. I Googled “minstrel shows” and this was the first image that came up:

Apparently this form of entertainment originated in the 19th century and was performed by white people in black face.  Later on, especially after the Civil War, these shows were performed by actual black people.  Did Steve Bannon write this movie?  Maybe NC Skat Cat’s gray bloat-face pays homage to the human trash pile who also served in the Navy:

Fun fact, you’ll find the picture on the left in the dictionary under “Melanoma” 

Well, the Japanese torpedoes finally hit and the U.S.S Indianapolis melts into lackadaisical chaos.  You might be thinking, “But Katie, doesn’t that phrase contradict itself?”  You are correct, however, the actors in this movie make it an art form on par with Method Acting.  It’s a delightful combination of screaming yet jogging, shrieking orders while lazily jumping off the ship.  Is it time for the sharks to arrive?  

Well, the ship is gone, the men are drifting in the water and I wish the sharks would hurry up so I don’t have to listen to this horrendous dialogue.  I’ll be honest, I was zoning out until random people were pulled under.  Oh, and Tom Sizemore’s character is begging for morphine...how appropriate.  The best part of the water scenes is NC rowing his raft with a comically small ore as seen at the beginning of this delightfully dubbed clip: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MoXLSU_s84 

This movie is abysmal.  Each scene lasts a couple of minutes that either depict ridiculous shark attack scenes or late night confessionals by the survivors about their love lives or the afterlife. 

“Do you think it’s luck who lives and who dies? “It was his time.”

Oh. Was it?

But in all seriousness, this event is considered the worst Naval disaster in our nation’s history where hundreds of men lost their lives in terrifying ways.  They were stranded for four days in shark infested waters while their distress calls went unanswered.  So, yeah...kind of a big deal and not surprisingly, this movie and the characters don’t do it justice...at all.   I think the most fitting line of movie was spoken one of the rescuing soldier:

“This is a class A clusterfuck.” 

Indeed.  I need a pallet cleanser (or an enema for my eyes).

So the men are rescued and there’s still about 30 minutes left in the movie and what comes next feels like it should be a different film altogether.  There’s a lot going on:

-One character, nicknamed ‘Bama’ (gross), marries his best friend’s pregnant girlfriend after he dies at sea.

-Some of the surviving soldiers get together to throw a party the night before the trial.  “What trial?” you might ask...

-Nic-y kins is on trial for not “zig zagging as an evasive maneuver” and “failing to abandon ship in a timely manner” (wait what?) aka you weren’t prepared for a possible attack by the Japanese and didn’t react appropriately.  Basically, the military fucked up big time and are trying to throw him under the bus.  As you can see, our military likes to repeat history.  

-OH SHIT!  During the trial the United States Military calls the Captain from the Japanese submarine that attacked the USS Indianapolis.  Slap in the face to Wig Master Cage.  But I think he lied on the stand to help Cage...blooming friendship on the horizon? 

-NOT GULTY...on one count but they found Cage guilty for not zig zagging.  What is going on in this movie.

-Okay I’ll admit, there’s a scene between NC and the Japanese Captain about forgiveness that I actually kind of liked.  

-I take that back because the movie ends with NC shooting himself in the head.  WHY?!

-The most powerful part of this movie is the ending credits.  Two veterans describe the experience of the shark attacks followed by actual footage of the rescue.  So basically the parts that Mario van Peebles had nothing to do with.  

I think it’s pretty clear how I feel about this movie.  Two hours of actors bumbling on screen, desperately trying to recreate and pay homage to a tragic moment and failing miserably.  I don’t recommend this movie to anyone, even if you’re under the influence of anything...weed, alcohol, paint thinner, etc.  That said, I give this movie 1/5 Ragin’ Cageins.

But not everyone feels the same way.  The following 9/10 star review is from scottwolf-26710 on IMBD:

I am wondering whether the people who posted bad reviews saw the same movie as I did, It was historically good , acting fair, story excellent CGI a little cheesy. But overall very entertaining. I studied this incident and knew an old sailor, who helped off load the bomb on Tinian. Maybe the movie didn't have enough sex and foul language for the people who gave it bad reviews.

You might be on to something old Scotty boy.  I would have enjoyed “U.S.S Indianapolis” so much more if there was a budding love story throughout.  Perhaps something like this:

After abandoning his ship, NC is brought to a raft by a shark who, unlike his brothers and sisters, doesn’t see humans as food.  Rather, he feels a strong connection towards them...maybe even love?  

NC is confused himself.  He should hate the sharks, after all, they’re killing his men!  But there’s something about that first shark, the one he believes saved him that night.  Or was it just a dream?  His mind tells him to remember his wife!  But his heart keeps remembering those beautiful, black shark eyes.  

Over the next four days, NC and the shark steal wanting glances and NC even hits the shark with his tiny ore to cover up his true feelings.  NC knows they can never be and the shark understands that if he truly loves this melting wax figure, he should let him go back to his wife.  

During one particularly lonely night, NC spots his savior in the water just below the raft.  The shark swims quietly to the surface- he knows he shouldn’t be here but the connection is too strong.  As the shark breaks the surface, NC simply says “It’s you.”  With that, the two begin a passionate affair lasting until daybreak.  

On the day of the rescue, the sea was extra salty with the lovers’ tears.  As NC sails away, he looks back one last time and says a silent goodbye to the creature who saved his life but stole his heart.  Just before the screen fades to black, he whispers, “In another life.” 

El Fin 

Potential movie poster?

With that dear readers, I end my review of this ghastly film.  Stay tuned for the next post and if you have any requests, please submit in the comments.

Peace, love and wigs xo