chelliebean3

[chelliebean3]

Ideal date: we watch Harry Potter, I recite every line. you are very impressed.

[chelliebean3]

[chelliebean3]

I was thinking about what home feels like 

(Excited tail wags greeting me at the door, the office, songs I loved years ago, the smell of tide and vanilla candles,) 

And I thought about you. I thought about your smile, 

Your quiet vulnerability, your commiserating. 

I thought about the way you make me laugh And the way you surprise me. How 

I can be myself with you.       

(Sometimes I feel afraid, after I say something - was that too rude? Too bitchy feminist? Too much information? - And every time, it's okay. You make it okay.)

-- is this what love feels like **cpl

[chelliebean3]

when i say “i hate men” im not talking about every individual man in the world, im talking about men as a social class, but if youre the kind of man that gets offended when i say i hate men then i do, specifically, hate you on an individual level

[chelliebean3]

I have no money, No fame, no fortune to Offer you. I cannot show you A whole new world, nor Make real your wildest dreams. I cannot promise kindness, always, Nor openness, even on my worst days. All this, and more, is why I should keep this to myself. (But if I have Nothing To offer except Love, Then I need you to know How big it is. How Honest.) -"humility" cpl, 16/04/2018

[chelliebean3]

#everyday mood

[chelliebean3]

a concept: being loved, happy, present

[chelliebean3]

let me describe social life in law school

i have never made friends with so many people I actually cannot stand

[chelliebean3]

I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me but I’m borderline non-functional, like I can’t get anything done. can’t cook, clean, do laundry, study. I have two exams this week, one Tuesday morning and one Thursday morning. I haven’t starting preparing for either. tomorrow is Monday and I haven’t started preparing for my Tuesday morning exam! what the fuck! 

I don’t know, I’m overwhelmed, but I don’t really understand why. this is pathetic and embarrassing but you know what, I’ve been listening to expectations and my dear melancholy on repeat and it’s probably having a fucking influence. how sad is that? 

and like. there’s so much going on. I need to find a place to stay in NYC. I need to get my visa shit figured out like asap! we’re almost halfway into april and I haven’t even submitted my application yet!!! jesus christ, I’m going to ruin the best job opportunity I’ve ever had in my fucking life because I can’t get my shit together. and jesus, articling applications are due in like a month. I need to ask profs for references. I don’t know who to ask. 

how am I going to spend so much time away from baby and all my friends? why did I think I could handle this

everyone is graduating and moving on with their lives. jobs, phds, whatever. moving to new cities. getting engaged, married, pregnant. I’ll be 25 in august and, yep, still never been in a relationship. I have no idea how I’m going to get an articling job, all my coursework is human rights related and I’m not personable enough/my grades aren’t good enough to score a job in human rights. the only reason I got this job this summer is because the international human rights program director at the law school believes in me and talked me up. I don’t know why. I can’t do anything. what the fuck

I spent the entire fucking day today watching the third and final season of love instead of working on my biz org summary, or, idk, starting to figure out what I’ll write for my legal ethics exam. 

everyone is leaving. friends. one friend in particular. you know the one. 

britt and cait have both been on my ass about saying something before he leaves, but I can’t. it’ll just ruin everything, and the thought of losing whatever we have, of not being friends anymore, is devastating. I can’t handle it. and what’s the point? there is no fucking way he feels the same. oh my god, even to entertain the thought the way I have been is so fucking stupid. all I’ve been doing is hurting myself. why do I do that? god, I’m going to miss him.

I’ve been feeling particularly down about the way I look lately too. probably because of that thing my nana said. also because I’ve gained like, 30 pounds over the last year or so. even my face is all huge and gross now. my skin has been doing a bit better, but who cares when you have a double chin lol 

I feel a tiny bit better after getting all that out there, but I still feel panicky and hopeless. I really can’t fail these exams. I //really// can’t. can I learn a whole course in one day? I guess we’ll find out tomorrow. I’m going out for a smoke and then rolling a joint. this day is a fucking write-off, just like yesterday and the day before that. 

[chelliebean3]

i somehow simultaneously wholeheartedly believe in love as an all-powerful healing and deeply revolutionary force AND yet am utterly convinced that i am at my core unloveable lmao

[chelliebean3]

there are 4 planets in retrograde right now plus a full moon and everyone i know is either off the walls horny, disassociating, or more depressed than usual

[chelliebean3]

What's the end goal of anti-natalism? Is it for humans to stop reproducing completely? Do you believe motherhood is biologically inferior by nature?

I see the end goal of anti-natalism as having more neutrality around birth and essentially stopping the promotion of birth, not necessarily the action. So no, humans do not have to stop reproducing. However, full disclosure, I don’t have a problem with voluntary extinction either because I don’t see how we are more valuable than anything else on this planet. I especially think that those of us more well off, in places such as the U.S., should be more critical about having children. I do not think this applies elsewhere or for all populations. There are obviously people who do not have the luxury of even thinking about this so I think this conversation requires nuance and is more complicated than I could possibly get into right now.

But anyways, anti-natalism, like feminism, asks us to think critically about our “choices” and the policies and cultures promoting birth. Because the system is rigged and the key word is promoting, not supporting. While we live in a deeply pro-natalist culture, obviously we don’t actually care about children or value existing life. And this is why it’s important to me because I don’t care about potential life, I care about who’s already here. A better system would be support and actual power for all women to make these choices freely. I don’t think this can happen without challenging pro-natalism.

Do I believe motherhood is biologically inferior by nature? That’s an interesting question, I’m not sure I understand. Are pregnant women and mothers vulnerable by nature? Yes. Does this make them inferior? No. Only according to men.

[chelliebean3]

Every time I see another girl I knew from high school/childhood get married and take her husbands name my heart breaks a little more. It breaks even more when they have a baby and they don’t even have their mothers name. The woman who birthed them doesn’t get to claim the baby under her name. It’s her husbands baby. And she is also her husbands.

[chelliebean3]

me trying to explain to titty anime fans the very basic concept that pedophilia is bad

[chelliebean3]

no ones ever gonna do it like these five demons… my kids gonna get into some new boyband shit n like it really will never be one band one dream one direction like no group of men will ever be this talented at first and foremost lying and then secondly singing

[chelliebean3]

“It seemed as if I had been always here / And you were someone who had come from a long distance.”

— T.S. Eliot, from The Collected Plays & Poems; “The Family Reunion,”

[chelliebean3]

i just need to know how one of the worst shows ever made (shadowhunters) can contain one of the best gay scenes (the wedding)