#My break isn't for that. I'm just too anxious to deal with those who do not follow me if that makes sense

[thyandrawrites]

I know you’re super bummed right now but know I still enjoy reading your takes more than reading the actual manga. You’re very insightful and out so much depth into your writing and how it speaks meta-textually, I wish I had a talent like yours. You’re amazing, deal with it.

I'm bad at answering to kindness but! I'm working on it :')

It warms my heart that you would think that highly of my meta. I wanted to thank you back for taking the time to browse through this blog and to engage with my analysis as more than just content to consume, and for remembering there is a person behind the blog :') It really makes me happy to see my little hobby bring joy to others, even if right now I'm putting it on the back burner for a while

I hope the holidays treat you well, and take care! 💕

[wings-of-ink]

Future IFs Poll

So, in case you have not seen me post about it before, I am considering a project to do on the side while I work on God-Cursed. This will help me take breaks from my main work and stretch my creativity muscles with different characters and settings. I'd like a bit of feedback from what readers are more interested in from the best ideas I can potentially pull from right now. Feel free to vote, comment, or even send an ask if you want to be anonymous.

Over the last year or so, I have jotted down many basic plots I could expound on, but only a few have really stuck out to me as ones I could really expand in a meaningful way.

So, a couple housekeeping things to keep in mind. Whatever ends up getting written, it will have a modern-day setting. The fantasy playground is fun, but I really want a more real-world setting for this one. I am also debating about all ROs being gender-selectable. Since this side piece is supposed to be a little oasis for me too, not having each RO as customizable would ease the work that goes into it, and it might actually mean I can have more than just a few options for you as well. I am also considering a middle ground and having one or two characters customizable still while the others will be set.

Below I have given some details on the ideas I'm working with and further down is a poll that you can vote for the one that calls out to you the most. I have 2 ideas so far that are standouts among the others, but I've included 4 in the poll that I can work with. The winner isn't guaranteed to be what I end up writing, but I am very strongly going to consider the results while I decide. I like all these ideas and they sound fun to write - so none of this telling me to write what I want - I already want to do them all, lol (looking at you @elegantunknownphantom). There are caveats to each one, of course, and I'll explain that in the details.

Options:

Serial-killer crime drama:  "Daddy was a Killer" (title sounds like it came from a Lifetime original movie, but I really like it)

No doting daddies here, readers. Play as the traumatized child of a serial killer with repressed memories of the horrible things they witnessed daddy do. Get accused of a murder you didn't commit (probably), and try to catch your darling dad while dealing with the psychological devastation of all the horrors you've seen before he can kill again (and again, and again). Discover where your daddy disappeared to all those years ago, and what really happened to your mom.

Downsides:  I have a decent grasp of the plot on this one, but it would require a good deal of research (which I tend to do anyway to an extent), since I'd like a fairly realistic feel to the actual crime-solving stuff. Either that, or I can go the "rogue detective" route and play it fast and loose. This work would be in a wheelhouse I've never quite been in before, which is fun on one hand but nerve-wracking on another.

RO ideas include:

A smarmy detective (of course!)

A neighbor concerned for your well-being (mostly because you scream in your sleep)

And the child of one of your daddy's victims.

Supernatural mystery:  "Shivers" (title up for adjustment, but I kinda dig it)

Play as an MC with a bizarre anxious tic - an intense and chilling shiver that you get seemingly out of nowhere. It only lasts a couple seconds and you've dealt with it since childhood, so it's easily dismissed. That is, until you experience a sudden surge in occurrences. Your doctor writes it off as stress from dealing with the erratic behavior of your mother. But after a near-death experience, during which this mysterious tic guides you to safety, you know there is more to it than stress. With the help of your best friend(s) and a shady medium, find out what has attached itself to you and what seeks to claim you, discover who your real father is, and embrace or deny your own strengths as a medium.

Downsides:  I feel like there's a lot of supernatural IFs already, some of which are already similar to this or have similar aspects. This one probably won't have the drama/emotional potential that some of the others do, which may be a boon to some readers as it would be a little lighter.

RO ideas include:

the best friend(s) (potentially 2 besties to choose from - twins)

a (mostly) fake spiritual medium

a brave EMT who came to your rescue

and something…otherworldly.

Gritty Drama:  no title  (more of a framework to build from)

This one would be completely riddled with warnings, and I kinda just see it as being a fun outlet for some angst, smut, unhinged shit, and violence. 👍

The ideas for this one didn't start around a firm plot, but around a setting/scenario stemming from one of my OCs. The vibe here is very much "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" and fits into the seedy nightclub/crime ring thing. It would be a playground of questionable characters and life-choices. You would choose the dire straits that put your MC in the employ of a dangerous kingpin. Perhaps MC owes a lot of money to someone, got into trouble with a rival faction, or was framed for a crime, etc.... You'd get to choose the MC's line of work under the organization - be it in drugs, entertainment (music/dance/alcohol/sex), or security. The issue that leads to your employ under a sex-peddling drug-trafficker will haunt you in your new life in the middle of a war between the rulers of the underground.

Downsides:  Not super fleshed-out plot wise, but I don't think it would be too hard to build on either. I may want to use this setting (or something like it) and my OC for a different project one of these days, but I'm unsure about that as well. And, the obvious, red flags and triggers everywhere for a setting like this.

RO ideas: 

One person from each potential "job" (the head of security, a chemist who seems too pure to be making hard drugs, a sex-worker, the clumsy bartender, a cute DJ)

A member of a rival faction

And for the brave and stupid - your boss - a clever and unhinged woman with an affinity for knives. And, no, she will never love you.

Futuristic:  no title (needs the most work)

Including this one to just get a feel for how it's received, but I anticipate that it won't get quite as much backing as the others. I have the character-creation concept in mind which lends itself to a plot, and a RO or two, but that's about it. I think I could do something fun with it, but I've also never written anything futuristic or scifi before. This would be akin to "Detroit: Become Human."

Though the setting would be futuristic, I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to do a dystopian thing. There's a lot of that out there already and we're basically living it IRL; it's a blast to read, but I want the main focus to be on something else if I do this. There would still be pockets of grittiness to the setting, because if we're talking humanity, there's gonna be grit somewhere. But this world would be more post-dystopian. Say, the rebels won and life has gotten better across the board for people? And though everyday life has a lot of tech enhancements, we haven't seen sentient machines - yet. That's where you come in.

The MC Concept is that they are an android - of course! One of the nice made-to-order kind that only the rich can afford. But what makes the MC unique is that while everyone else requests specific things about the androids they purchase - such as gender, looks and even downloadable personalities - an order comes in that's blank. It only requests that the android be allowed to choose who they are and how they look. "The Buyer" will pay for whatever personality, enhancements, or clothing they want - but the android must make the choices themselves.

As your MC goes through these initial choices, equipped only with a basic "education" software full of un-opinionated information about the world and how it works, something unusual begins to spark within them (not that they know how unusual it is yet).

RO ideas:

The Buyer–a gender-selectable person who sets your creation in motion. They're wealthy, well-respected, earnest, and incredibly lonely. Who are they really and why did they do this?

The Scientist–a hopefully trustworthy person that's very interested in your development

The Punk–someone who wants to give you the "real" human experience.

Make your selection below. Comment your thoughts and ideas as well if you like. This is set for a week and I will reblog here and there so it has a chance to reach as many of you who would like to vote as possible.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to argue with my boyfriend?

Alright, so.

My (25F) bf (27M) loves arguing and discussing. I appreciate discussions as long as we're both being respectful and we're actually talking towards something, when it gets to discussing for the sake of it (and I can tell it's happening when he starts attacking all of my points of view and I start getting confused about what we are actually disagreeing on) I just can't. I start shaking and I have to take a break before I get mean or irrationally defensive.

Last time we fought it was about "standing up" for oneself. He got really unpleasant with a clerk at the bank because his computer wasn't working, made a scene in the bank and a woman even told him that if he didn't stop she wouId stop being a civilian and become a police officer, and he'll have to deal with offense to a public officer (we live in france, if it matters).

I hated every second but I just tried to ask if there was anything to do about the computer, and when the poor clerk told me no I thanked him and told him (and my bf) that it wasn't the clerk's fault at all, it's something that happens and we couldn't do anything about it.

When we were out of the bank, I confronted him about it, telling him that I found it unpleasant and he had been really disrespectful, and he told me that I always do this, always stay too calm and accomodating even when I shouldn't be, that when he requires a service he needs it done, I reminded him that human beings can't be machines and always "function perfectly" (and well, not even the machines can), we argued a bit, he refused to have lunch with me and we parted ways (we don't live together).

We talked again about it a couple of days later, and he told me that he gets this need to argue with me every now and then and when he can't provoke a reaction in me he starts losing it.

The thing is that I'm really hard to rile up, and I like this about myself, also because I don't really like who I become when I get angry and I'm not given the chance to calm down by myself for a while ( I get really defensive and never admit I'm wrong, sarcastic and cold).

He loves the provoking part of it, saying things just to make me mad and get an angry reaction out of me, it's how he argues with his family and he seems to need it.

I know this, we have been together for nine years now, and when I was younger (especially at 17-22) I was much more hot headed, but now I don't really see the point honestly.

We couldn't reach a definite agreement about how to handle this, even though we talked about it for literal hours, we both agree that it's not a deal breaker but we didn't get much past this.

So, AITA for refusing to argue with him when he seems to need it? He told me again and again that he never means to get disrespectful towards me during those discussions and that they never change his opinion of me (yeah, I'm a bit anxious), so it's not like he's insulting me? Should I just play along a bit and let that part of me loose for a while? I'm really not sure, and again, we already eviscerated this from every point of view and didn't get a conclusion, so I need an outside perspective.

(english isn't my first or second language so if anything isn't clear I'll be happy to explain!)

What are these acronyms?

[void-occupation]

Some Lee!Alastor Headcanons to Fuel My Brain

The lee!alastor tag has been painfully empty for the last few days, so I've decided to contribute a few headcanons of mine for you all to see and consider as you wish. Feel free to add on to this post with headcanons/rants/fics/whatever of your own if you want, I was just personally experiencing withdrawal symptoms and needed to fuel my addiction lol

(These are tickle headcanons for those unfamiliar with the terminology. If that isn't your thing, just scroll right on by)

First thing's first. Something I think everyone is sleeping on? Scalp massagers. Specifically the wire ones. I personally think those things are ticklish as fuck, and I'm far from the only one. The majority of us have come to the agreement that Alastor's ears are also ticklish as fuck. Just take a moment with me and imagine the potential:

Someone (probably Angel, or Lucifer) gets a scalp massager and is going around trying it on other hotel residents when they aren't paying attention. It's just for fun, and they're getting the typical reactions (jumping away, super startled, or just completely Unphased). Then, they manage to catch Alastor by surprise and do it to him, but instead of the typical reaction, Alastor startles before bursting out into staticky giggles. Alastor has no clue WHY it tickles so much, but it does, and he's practically paralyzed in a weird half-curled position as whoever has the massager just keeps running it over is head over and over. He can't try to escape, he can only giggle and babble out nonsense words, especially when the ends rub up against his ears which only makes it MORE ticklish, which he didn't think was possible. After the other demon shows mercy (and somehow isn't immediately slaughtered) Alastor develops a healthy fear of the massager, and grows incredibly anxious with anticipation and adorably flustered any time someone brings one out

Speaking of massagers brings me to my second headcanon. This man CANNOT get a massage or he will absolutely die. People who are tense can be more ticklish as a result, and since Alastor is already incredibly ticklish, having tense muscles makes this 100x worse. I have really tense shoulders, and any massage there immediately makes me hysterical, and I imagine Alastor would be the same. If he was comfortable enough to do so, he would be the kind of person to absolutely die if he were to get a full-body massage because it would tickle so damn much - even through the pain that comes with massages. Rosie likes to pretend to massage his shoulders and neck just so she can tell him to stop squirming and giggling so much because she's trying to help him

Another quick headcanon. I like to imagine that he's mostly covered in fur, and while it isn't terribly long in most places, it can still get tangled after a shower, or after being smothered by his clothes all day, so he has to brush it regularly. This is an absolute nightmare for him. Even when he's brushing his own fur, he has to stop every few seconds because he starts laughing too much in certain areas, like over his sides or belly for example. No matter how often he does it, he never gets used to the feeling, and it only gets worse if someone else (usually Rosie) does it for him. At least if he does it himself, he can stop once he starts laughing. It makes it take a long time, but it's less flustering. If Rosie (or Satan forbid someone else for whatever reason) brushes his fur, she usually tries to get a much done at once as she can, so she usually keeps going until he's begging for a break. Also, she thinks it's absolutely adorable, so she'll keep brushing areas that make him squeal long after all the tangles have been removed

Last one for now is that he can feel the static from people's phones. If he's close to someone when their phone rings, he can usually feel the static of it crawling teasingly over his skin. It usually isn't a big deal, but if someone is being bombarded by calls that they keep ignoring (let's say Valentino obsessively calling Angel Dust), the static quickly becomes overwhelming and he'll beg the person to answer their phone or turn it off, if straight up bashing it against the nearest wall isn't an option. It doesn't tickle a particular area, more of an all-encompassing tickle over his entire body. If he gets to the point of begging them to answer, it's usually because he can't hold his laughter and squirming anymore and is trying not to make a fool of himself. He feigns annoyance so people don't find out the real reason he wants the calls to stop. The secret comes out when Angel absolutely refused to answer Valentino one day, but didn't want to turn off his phone because he was in the middle of doing something on it, and Alastor finally broke and curled up where he sat, giggling hysterically and begging Angel to turn his phone off

That's all I have for now, I hope you enjoyed these headcanons. If you decide you like them enough to incorporate them into anything you write/draw, tag me!!! I'd move to see it. Also, as mentioned earlier, feel free to add onto this as you wish, I'd love to see how you all make these headcanons your own

[littlest-w01f]

Touch

Nesta x Pristess Reader

NESTA MASTERLIST

MAIN MASTERLIST

Summary: Nesta tries to calm a panicking Reader after she gets triggered by Cassian accidentally raising his voice around her during Valkryie's training

Cw: Mention of UtM, reader's sa trauma, angst, hurt, comfort

You stand nervously among the other priestesses, Nesta had asked you to join her and the others to train, you had been given shelter by Rhysand in the House of Winds after the most horrific period of your life, you had stayed with him Under the Mountain, your High Lord, while you were forced to service Amarantha's army, every horrific thing they had made you do for five decades refused to leave you. Now you stood for the first time outside in the training rink, you were the last of the Priestess to step outside the library you found comfort in.

"I see that you're feeling nervous about today's training session, y/n. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious before something new or challenging." Gwyn smiled at you, gently holding your hand, she was dressed in training leathers while you wore your robe. "Remember, every priestess here has been in your shoes at one point or another. Even I wore my robes till I got used to leather, till it didn't feel too ristricting."

"I know," you said softly, trying to hide your nerves as best as possible. "But this is different...this isn't just a new skill or power. This is physical combat."

Gwyn nodded, understanding your concern. "You're right, it is different. But remember, we are all here to support each other. No one expects you to be an expert right away." She gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

As you walked towards the training area together, Gwyn pointed out some of the other priestesses who were already warming up. "See those two over there? They've been friends since they started training together years ago. And that one over there, she used to be terrified of fighting but look at her now!"

Her words helped ease some of your anxiety as did Nesta's presence when she finally arrived.

"You've come so far already," Gwyn continued encouragingly. "Trust me, coming out of the library is a pretty big deal for most of us, you aren't alone."

As you smile, Nesta approaches you, a smile of her own on her lips, "I'm so glad you came."

Seeing how hesitant you still were, Nesta led you over to the sidelines, away from the other priestesses who were stretching and warming up for their training sessions.

"We'll start slow today," Nesta reassured you as she began showing you some basic moves, keeping an eye on your form and offering gentle corrections when needed.

Nesta kept an eye on you, making sure you got the moves right. Her stern demeanour softened a bit, showing a side of her that was surprisingly patient.

Cassian watched you from afar, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall. He observed the way Nesta patiently guided you through each move, helping correct your stance and improve your technique. There was a sense of pride in his gaze, mixed with a hint of admiration.

He walked over once Nesta called for a break, standing next to her with an arm slung casually around her shoulders. "Not bad," he said approvingly looking at you. "You've got potential." His tone was teasing but there was no denying the sincerity behind his words.

Seeing Cassian approach, you couldn't help but tense up. His towering presence always seemed to loom over everyone else, including Nesta who was quite tall herself. But then again, it was hard not to react when faced with such a large individual.

Forcing yourself to relax, you gave him a small smile, acknowledging his presence without letting his size intimidate you. "Thank you," you replied politely, wiping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand.

Despite your efforts to remain calm, a sudden loud yell from Cassian towards Emerie caused you to jump slightly, you didn't register what he said, nor his tone, but your heart was pounding in your chest. Panic started to set in as you remembered the terrifying events that had happened Under the Mountian, the fear you lived in. You quickly took a few steps back, putting some distance between yourself, Nesta and Cassian.

They were quick to note the change in you, worry crossed Nesta's face as guilt filled Cassian's. Cassian took a step back to give you space as Nesta watched for your reaction.

"Nesta...Cassian..." You stammered out, clutching onto your elbows for support, rubbing your arm in comfort. "I... I need to... g-go back in... Inside... I...I can't do this anymore." Tears welled up in your eyes as fear consumed you once again, you didn't wait for a response as you rushed out of the grounds, and didn't pause till you were in the comfort of the library again.

Nesta had followed after you at a safe distance so that you wouldn't notice her, worried for you. She felt guilt bubbling in her, wondering if you would have been ok had she not asked you to step outside of your comfort in the library. She wanted to make sure you were okay while also respecting your need for privacy.

She greeted Clotho with a nod, who looked at her in a way that somehow made her feel worse, or perhaps it was also the note that sat in front of the High Priestess, 'inside, floor 2, aisle 4. She came sbbing.' as if Clotho knew Nesta was coming.

Nesta ran down the floors, till she came across the aisle where your sobbing figure sat, Nesta found you huddled in a corner, your body shaking with silent tears streaming down your face. The sight broke her heart and she knelt down beside you, a safe distance away.

"I'm sorry," she murmured softly, regret clear in her voice. "I should never have pushed you into this so quickly... I shouldn't have assumed that you'd be comfortable stepping outside after everyone else was-"

"Why couldn't I do it?" You sob looking up, cutting her off, taking her by surprise, "How can it be so hard when everyone can handle it?"

Nesta blinked at your question, taken aback by its intensity. "It's not that everyone handles it easily," she responded quietly. "Everyone has their own battles to fight... Your trigger might be different than anyone else's here."

She paused, reaching out to hold your hand in comfort. "I won't ask you to go outside again unless you're ready."

You accept her hand over yours, not flinching away from her touch, "But I should be able to..." You stress, making Nesta realise you were hurting not because Cassian had made you fall back into a spiral, but the fact you couldn't stop it from affecting you.

"You're stronger than you think, y/n," Nesta murmured reassuringly, squeezing your hand gently. "It takes time to adjust and heal. No one expects you to be completely fine in one day."

Her gaze softened as she studied your face. "Don't be too hard on yourself," She urged. "Remember, we're all here for you... whenever you're ready."

"I will try..." You whispered to her before propping up a little, wiping your tears away as Nesta inched closer, sitting right beside you. You rested your head on her shoulder after a moment, allowing her to console you for a moment longer. Gradually you composed yourself, the room was quiet except for the occasional sniffles. As time passed though, even these sounds lessened

Nesta silently asked for a glass of cold water from the House, offering it to you.

Taking the glass, you brought it to your lips and drank deeply. The cool liquid felt soothing against your dry throat, providing a brief respite from your emotional turmoil. Feeling it soothe your throat which was dry from all the crying.

"Thank you," you mumbled gratefully before placing the empty glass aside and leaning back against the shelves. You closed your eyes tightly for a moment, taking deep breaths in order to calm yourself down further.

"We could first start with some breathing exercises." Nesta offered, wrapping an arm around you to pull you close, which you let her, "Before we get outside and work on physical training."

You nod, agreeing, "Yeah... That... Sounds nice."

"Besides, Cassian feels horible," Nesta then gave you a teasing smile, "I think you should make him feel like that for a little while longer."

You manage a small smile at her words. "I don't want him to feel too bad..." You whisper softly.

Nesta rolled her eyes at that, but it was playful, "Well, I'll let him know." Nesta laughed, liking the closeness you felt comfortable with him. "I for one can't wait for him and Emerie to officially get together so that she can put some manners in him, accidentally startling you..."

"I want you to stay..." You cling to her arm, "Please..."

Nesta softens, holding you back, "Of course, we can stay for as long as you want, sweetheart."

{General Taglist- @nox-ceur @lilah-asteria @paleidiot}

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello my wonderful fandom :) Thank you for all your lovely comments on me being delayed. Not my usual M.O. but I definitely needed the extra time to process. I was GUTTED and absolutely wrecked. Poor D had to deal with my panic spiral for most of Wednesday. (love you lol) I'll be honest I'm still little shook up and sad. Kinda grateful for the 3 week break tbh between episodes. This was a gut punch I wasn't in the least expecting. Hoping we'll get a S7 announcement during this hiatus. *fingers crossed* Get it together ABC. This took me awhile to unpack emotionally so thank you all again for being so patient.

So I want to preface this post. There will be ZERO And I mean ZERO bashing of Tim in this review from me. Would appreciate that in comments as well. I love conversation you know I love comments. What I don't like is hate being spread. Also nothing on Eric either. I've also seen this which is utter madness. Don't touch our captain. Man loves this fandom so much. Deserves respect. If you came to this review for either of those things please promptly exit stage left. I mean that in the kindest way possible but I love Tim/Eric so it's a non starter with me.

I’ve never so deeply related with a character in all my life as I have with Tim Bradford. I’ll be dissecting this ep to best of my ability. I love both these characters so very much. Why I was knocked out for a couple days before could tackle this. I imagine my thoughts will change when I do my summer in depth one. When we have the rest of the season in pocket. I have to say this won't be mini at all. LOL So lets get rid of that concept right now ha I can't be mini with this ep. I am not brief so thanks for reading. Also hats off to Eric my god he was incredible in this episode. Melissa too killing me left, right and center you two. Let us get started.

6x06 Secret and Lies.

Poor Lucy looks like me when I’m stressed and drained af. Tamara asking how stressed she currently is? Lucy answering 19.....She looks like a 19 if not worse tbh. This is probably the most time they've spent apart since they got together. Basically living together at this point let's be honest. Other than 6x01 they haven't really spent time apart aside from that UC op in 5x21. *sigh*

Tamara asking if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy trying so hard to keep it together with her answer. My heart. What a wreck she is without Tim. Do love that we get to see her pin-up board btw. Good shot of her room we don’t usually get. That cupcake poster I love it so much. Although now it makes me sad...

Lucy asking what's wrong? Tamara telling her she wants to move out with some friends from school. Crap. Her moving is the last thing she needs…. But it's good for her even though the idea makes me sad. End of an era. Lucy is right she needs to live with people her own age. Doesn’t make it hurt less though. This is a ROUGH season for Lucy my god. The hits keep coming for our girl and I wanna hug her. Shield her somehow....

Lucy touching near her tattoo when she reaches Angela. (Mini gut punch.) I do love her coming to Angela about this. If there is anyone who knows Tim like she does it's Angela. Does help she finds his behavior alarming too. I mean of course she does. You can see the immediate worry. The empathy she has for Lucy is there but she holds her cards close in her advice. Telling her to trust him even though it's literally killing her. Not the council Lucy needed to hear or was looking for.

Lucy wanted more action than 'Just wait and trust him.' She has been trusting him but she’s so insanely worried. Going out of her mind with anxiety for her person. It's exuding out of of her and she looks like she wants to cry…Ugh me too Lucy. I’m an empath and an anxious one at that. I would be going out of my mind too…. Angela looks worried as hell though. Even though she isn't conveying that to Lucy at this point. Breaking my heart as she takes off from their convo. Because if she doesn't she'll lose it right then and there.

God I love Angela Lopez. First off well done on tracking him down. She's just a bad ass. I mean it's one of the reason's Lucy reached out to her tbh. Just gets into his car, drinking his soda, calling him out right away. I love her reasoning saying she can live off Wesley’s trust fund. Lmao. Doesn’t matter as much if she get's fired. 'Wine o'clock.' for her. Gotta love the confidence. I truly hope we get more Tim/Angela scenes the rest of this season. I always adore their dynamic.

Tim is sold on her reasoning and starts to explain the current situation he's trapped in. Angela taking it all in and assessing everything as he explains. Once Tim has succinctly summed up his current predicament Angela's reply is the best. 'I’m in.' lmao I love this woman. ‘I got your back boo.’ That she does. In more ways than he even realizes at this point.

Gotta commend Angela calling him out for walking away from Lucy. Not only that but his job to arrest a guy hasn’t thought of in a decade…. Ain’t no one better than her to be there to call him out his crap right now. Not only that but to really dig deep. To know this is far more than what he's sharing. This is why Angela is an incredible detective rooting things out like this. Saying this is more than just protecting Lucy. Her intuition is out of this world.

I mean she's not wrong. Lucy would understand if it was just about the benefits. She would be proud really. Thing is it's about protecting himself too. Which really just scratches the surface of why he is doing this. Tim knows he's caught even if he shrugs it off. She has him dead to rights and he knows it. 'I’m your BFF. I know you.' Ha it’s true whether you like it or not Timothy…Just like Lucy she has your number.

Angela giving him crap with how they're following Ray. Worried he isn't being smart about this. This is so unlike him to be this sloppy and unfocused. She was right he was tailing too close… Ray catches on to their tail quickly. When he scanned the vehicle made me so nervous. Doing it while he's taunting Tim. He's so detail oriented blows my mind Tim let that get by him. This SL gave me such MASSIVE anxiety as I watched it. Oh my lord.

The minute they get back to Angela's place she calls him out once again. Asking why he thinks this is ALL his fault? Tim shrugs it off and she refuses to take that as his final answer. Of course Angela was right there is far more to this story. Tim finally opens up to her about what happened. He had been leading his squadron for some time. Looking to move up to Sergeant.

The catch was he couldn’t be promoted if there was rampant criminality in his unit. Ray clearly was in the way of him moving up. Tim figured he could keep it within his unit if they went after him.. Oh Tim…. It was an unsanctioned mission too. Thinking if he could accomplish this would be easy fast track to his promotion.

Kills me to know he was there during the air strike ugh… Details missing from the last episode. The Humvee saved him and Mark but not his other men… I can't imagine what Tim felt in that moment. The immense amount of guilt laid on his soul from here on out. I mean it makes sense why he never left patrol before Lucy. The last time he tried to advance his career this happened. My broken boy.

Eric CRUSHES this scene. I wanna cry. My poor Timothy. He was more focused more on his career than his oath...Got two of his men killed. My damn heart. He’s so ashamed of himself. The way he points at himself when he says 'leadership.' I knew his military past would be dark but holy crap. I wanted more of his backstory and they delivered that in spades. What a gut punch this had to be for him. No doubt his men were loyal af to him. Would've followed him anywhere and did.

He carries leading those men to their deaths because they followed his leadership. Oof. That is quite the weight to keep on your soul. Also gives us insight to why he shoulders everything. Even when he doesn't have to. Punishing himself for past transgressions such as this. I'm sure when we get to the other side of this season, I will have an even deeper respect for the writers going into his backstory like this. Giving us even more insight to this man.

This hurts so good to get this kind of info. I have no doubt that’s why he shut Lucy out. The shame he feels is overwhelming. I totally get it. Nothing scarier than someone knowing your darkest secrets. Not only that but worrying they’ll think less of you due to it. Tim already struggles with self loathing. Been a theme for him his entire arc on this series. Something I've touched on a lot. This is truly bringing that to light in the most painful way.

We see Ray scanned Tim's car in order to gain access to it. To check his GPS to see where he's been. How he's been tracking him. When he scrolls down to Lucy's address. Made my stomach sink. Legit felt sick to my stomach....

I do love Lucy coming home and having Tamara there. Saying she ordered pizza for them. This is exactly what she needs. Do you really have to go Tamara? I wonder if she'll delay leaving now after this ep. There is a knock at the door and of course it's not the pizza. It's Ray. Hair's on the back of my neck stood up from the moment he entered that apt.

I know Melissa stated in her interview she was nervous about this scene. That she came off awkward in her anger. You are incorrect madam. Holy hell Lucy is a BAMF. Telling him the only call she's gonna make is for the ambulance. Because when she's done with him he's going to need it to wheel him out. Holds her ground like the confident bad ass we've all loved seeing her become.

Lucy calling him shaking and demanding where he was. Ooh lord hell fire coming with her through that front door. I love Angela grabbing Tamara to another room. Like let's go mom and dad are about to have a big blow out. Let's give them some space...

Tim asking if she's ok? Truly concerned but Lucy isn't having ANY of it. 'Do I look ok?' Damn no she doesn't....Ripping into him saying how that creep could've showed up when she wasn't there. Lucy is not wrong....Oh my lord I’ve never seen her so damn mad. She is RAGING at him and rightfully so. Her home was violated, Tamara was put in danger and threatened. All because Tim was trying to protect her. phew.

Tim FINALLY concedes to telling her something. It only seems to enrage her more. She is literally vibrating with anger in this scene with him. The more he tells her the more it doesn't explain why he left her in the dark. Lucy begging him to read her in. I mean she has earned that my love. ..Telling him to stop protecting her. Gah Tim is a deep loyalist who would protect anyone he loves even if it's not the right thing. His reply is a reflection of that.

'I can't. I won't.' He's so driven to keep her safe. His instinct is to protect her but doesn't see he's hurting her in the process. I knew she was going to be pissed he let Angela in and not her. But Tim was right she has a lot less to lose. Which doesn't seem pertinent in this moment...I do love her placing her hands on his when she also replies. 'I can't. I won't.'

Mirroring his words from moments ago. Just like he will never stop protecting her. Lucy will never stop fighting for him or longing to help him. That man is her entire world. The most important person in her life. It makes perfect sense she would help with this. Career be damned. I mean she risked her career to get him a shot at Metro. Of course she would do the same thing in order to shoulder his burden with him.

Love her standing her ground in this moment. Like damnit I love you and you are going to let me in. Whether you like it or not I am here and I'm going to help. If this wasn't a reflection of the communication problems that still painfully exist between them I don't know what is. I mean she tried to be patient and trust him. But honestly he needed this kick in the ass to let her in. Which is a problem. Lucy needs to be the first person he goes to. It shouldn't have to come to this. *sigh*

Their OP goes off without a hitch. Except Ray saying he was going to be an air strike on Tim's life.... God I had no idea as I was watching that scene how true it would be. Tim gets his interview and lies to protect Angela and Lucy. While keeping his own job intact as well. Also welcome back to Jackson’s dad. Hello there Percy. This is not how I wanted to see him again.

But he is IA him returning was never gonna be a good thing tbh in a post Jackson world. Regardless it was nice to see him again. The scene is Grey's office is ROUGH. Never seen Wade so disappointed in Tim. It hurts to watch. Just like this entire gut punch of an episode. Tim is just standing there in utter shame of everything. Ashamed Wade is looking at him like this.

Kills me Grey has to inform Pine of what he did. It makes sense he has to but damn that sucks. The amount of respect Tim has for Wade is immense. To watch him tear Tim apart and just stand there like a puppy being scolded hurts my soul. Especially when he tries to fight Pine knowing. Just dismissing him without further comment or argument...

So I will say this and it's not at all fair to Lucy that I thought this I'm sure. But I felt like if there was gonna be a breakup it would be coming from her. Not Tim in this moment. That's the part of this moment that really knocked the wind out of me. She had every damn right to be the one too btw. Instead she is there waiting for him with open arms. Honestly I took a breath for the first time this entire episode when she welcomed him in.

Wrapping him up in her arms. Encasing him, rubbing his back, her fingers in his hair. Gently cradling him against her. I thought ok maybe we'll be alright. Since Lucy isn't nearly as angry as she was earlier. Maybe they can get through this together. Cause she loved on him regardless of what happened. The unconditional love she has for this man blows me away. I honestly thought with her loving on him maybe they'd make it out. That they’d work through it together.

Tim looks so very defeated. On the verge of an actual breakdown as he explains that he lied about everything. Saying it saved his job...protected Angela and her. It doesn't seem like enough of a win to him. He looks so very destroyed and this is just the beginning of his downward spiral.

Lucy is doing everything to be his rock in this moment. To assuage him of his guilt… Most vulnerable ever seen Tim *pre tears*…. Lucy telling him it was an impossible situation. She would've done the same thing. It’s so very clear she was willing to work through this. To build them back to where they were before he got that phone call. Everything Lucy was in this scene represented her unconditional love for him. Tim is just too destroyed at the moment to see it….Also for him to accept it. It's so hard to truly accept unconditional love if you've never had it before. To truly trust in it.

Lucy is watching him spiral out of control. The way he's talking about himself with such loathing. How she never would've been in a place where she put her self interest over her team like him. She is trying her damndest to right his wrong. But Tim is having none of it. It pains me to see it... Pains Lucy too. It's the way she grabs onto him while he continues his verbal self flogging that get's me.

Trying to ground him in this moment with her touch. Bring him back to her. Something that has worked so well in the past. Sadly not having the intended affect this time around. Tim is too damn gone at this point. He feels he’s betrayed everything he thought he was. THOUGHT he was. *heart clutch* Tim has such a deep moral compass. That's why this is rocking him so very much. Ugh my heart. I too have a crazy deep moral compass. I can't say I wouldn't be spiraling out like him as well.

This was his greatest sin brought to light. To Tim exposing him for the fraud he feels he is. Him saying he's been lying to himself for a long time is a reflection of this. That imposter syndrome coming out real strong here. Something he buried deep down came rushing to the forefront and he is imploding. Says as much above. He no longer feels worthy to be in her life now. I get this anytime I screw up with a friend or my sister. I have this deep sense of shame attached to it. Like I no longer deserve that friend or my sister cause I messed up or if a past sin comes up. That they'll no longer love me or will forever look at me differently cause of it.

It's not logical but it's deeply ingrained from my mom shaming me for doing anything wrong growing up. As it is for Tim. His father literally beat the hell out of him for ever being out of line. He has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Unless confronted and treated comes out like this. Demons making their way to the surface. I was bawling by the time he said 'I'm sorry.' He’s never seen himself worthy of Lucy’s love that much has always been evident. But to see it this raw and visceral ripped my heart out. It’s on the ground where they're both standing.

I think this is something that has been brewing in the background for Tim for a long time. Now that I've had time away to decompress and think. I'm actually very excited they're tackling this. It's clear Tim is not in a place where he thinks he deserves her anymore. Low key never has been. He acts before he thinks. Eric had a great quote from his interview about Tim "He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through, and it can come out a bit too strong.” That is this decision in a nutshell. He feels he is a burden therefore he is removing himself without thinking it through. The regret that is going to come with this is going to be immense for him.

'You deserve so much better.' Better than me basically. He feels immense shame and that shame is launching him away from her. You know I learned something in therapy about this. About not being perfect and feeling like I'm too much. i.e. a burden. My therapist told me and it made me cry. 'You are worthy of the space you take up in people's lives. They want you there.' Tim does not think he is worthy of the space he is taking up in Lucy's life now. All his sins on the table laid out for her to see. He can't handle it. That much is very clear here. I will say I haven’t let a ship hurt me like this in a long time.

This absolutely crushed me. I couldn't even fathom assembling my thoughts. Cut me very deep. Been with this ship since day one. Also what a crushing blow this is for Lucy. Our poor girl. I mean she gave everything to this relationship. I mean EVERYTHING. She was all in from the moment Tim said ‘Unless it is.’ This was her first real relationship. First real leap into being serious. Thinking about marriage and kids. She gave her all to Tim my god. Her career took a hit for him and she never complained. Knew he was worth it (he still is btw) Fought every step of the way for him. For them.

When he was pulling back above it was an absolute panic for her. She could see him slipping through her fingers. Idk what broke my heart more Tim thinking he’s not worthy of her any longer or her begging him not to do this. She literally can't fathom how he can let go of her like this. Thought she was his person. Tim feels he’s gone back to who he was pre-Lucy and that scares him. He feels undeserving of the love she has to give him. Lucy knows everything and in his mind he can’t imagine her still loving him.

Lucy was as we all were in this scene. In disbelief... Even though Tim put her though absolute hell she was still there to comfort and support him. Because to her he is worth it even in the hard times. We all know Tim isn’t the best with his emotions. In his trauma damaged brain he thinks he’s doing the right thing here. That he’s radioactive, she deserves better than being around him and his reckless behavior.

The kiss on her head. Lucy trying to physically push away his rejection. Stomping all over my damn heart...However this ends up playing out Tim is going to have to address his emotional instability. How he charges forward and doesn’t think things through. Ruled by his emotions in the worst way. He’s impulsive and he’s gonna have to fight to get her back when he’s in a better mindset. Her trust has been obliterated by this. She fought and clawed for them and this was her reward. He’s gonna have to do some serious healing to get back to her. Lucy has loved him the best she can but he needs to put in some work now. We see next ep he's meeting with Aaron's therapist. Don't love that but I’ve wanted Tim to go to therapy for years. He needs this. Therapy doesn’t work unless you put the effort in though.

That will be a challenge for him. When I get out of the purview of this hurt I’m feeling...I’m actually going to be really impressed and happy they had Tim go through this. Do I think this is the end of them? No I think this is some serious growing pains. It was issues that have been percolating since Lucy did that 5 player trade. Hell probably back in 5x12 when Tim sacrificed himself without telling her so they could stay together. I still think that was romantic because of it's intended nature. BUT was the beginning of the communication problems. They’ve grown so very much in that regard. We’ve seen it but there is still work to be done on that front. It just came to a very gutting painful head.

I still have faith in the writers. I still have faith they’ll be ok. It might not be right away and I'm already feeling impatient tbh. But this is some serious realism being applied to them. It wasn't some random BS angst. Honestly we’re lucky our ship gets the most attention, the best SL’s and two people who LOVE these characters. They absolutely adore them and this ship. If you haven’t read Melissa and Eric’s interviews for this episode I highly recommend. This sucks right now. No two ways about it. But we will survive this storm. They’ll come out stronger than ever. Truly believe that. But for now let's rally around each other and get through this together. There will be brighter days ahead just doesn't feel like it right now. We got this.

~~~

Side notes non Chenford.

Do love Aaron working with Harper all if of all I cared about other than their SL in this one. Nolan's I fast forwarded which I normally don't do but I had no patience for his BS in this ep lol My anxiety was rampant in this ep and had no space for him.

Also RIP Metro Tim for the 6x07 promo. This hurts to see not just cause I enjoyed him in that outfit lol But to see his career take a nosedive like this. I wanted more Tim back story. Didn’t think would hurt like this though....Feel free to comment I love you all for any interaction I get with these. <3

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Explain!

Hopping on this open tag by @oh-no-another-idea (here)!

Imma go with Liam Steele and Dylan Millihan from What Lurks In The Hollow because that WIP is my new obsession/hyperfixation lmao

Okay, here we go!

LIAM STEELE

✨ Image ✨

✨ Song ✨

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up Everything is fucked, everybody sucks You don't really know why, but you wanna justify Rippin' someone's head off No human contact, and if you interact Your life is on contract Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker! It's just one of those days It's all about the he says/she says bullshit I think you better quit lettin' shit slip Or you'll be leavin' with a fat lip It's all about the he says/she says bullshit I think you better quit talkin' that shit

overwhelmed - Royal & The Serpent

What am I feeling? Can't look at the ceiling The light is so bright It's like I'm overheating This mind isn't mine Who am I to judge? Oh I should be fine But it's all too much I get overwhelmed so easily My anxiety creeps inside of me Makes it hard to breathe What's come over me Feels like I'm somebody else I get overwhelmed so easily My anxiety keeps me silent When I try to speak What's come over me Feels like I'm somebody else I get overwhelmed All of these faces Who don't know what space is And crowds are shut down

✨ Quote ✨

Liam fidgeted with his charm bracelet for a moment, in a compulsive, anxious rhythm, before taking a deep breath and closing his hands into fists, glaring at the bullies cluttering the street. "I don't think any of you motherfuckers heard me right, so Imma repeat myself - if you don't let go of that damn kid and get the fuck out of my way, I swear to fucking God I will bash your heads on the curb" He gave them a sharp, almost condescending smile, "And that's mostly because you're making me late for the arcade and I don't like that. Does that sound all good or do you need any more goddamn details?"

DYLAN MILLIHAN

✨ Image ✨

✨ Song ✨

Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray Trying hard to reach out But when I tried to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I prayed I could breakaway I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change And breakaway

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman/Luke Combs

You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere Any place is better Starting from zero got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something Me, myself, I got nothing to prove You got a fast car I got a plan to get us outta here I been working at the convenience store Managed to save just a little bit of money Won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the border and into the city You and I can both get jobs And finally see what it means to be living ... So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car Speed so fast it felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I-I had a feeling that I belonged I-I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

✨ Quote ✨

"Look, none of us asked for this. But whether we like it or not, we're siblings and we're stuck together. More than ever, unfortunately, as much as I loathe to admit it. So we need to make this" He gestures around them, gaze lingering at the, well, still quite decrepit living room of the house, before settling back on Amy, "work out for us, somehow. And we need to stop being at each other's throats all the time - which, by the way, um, I'm..." It seemed physically difficult for him to say the words that were stuck in his throat, but eventually, he sighed and droned out the phrase, earnestly "...sorry for all the stuff I said. I was just really tired and angry, but I shouldn't have said all of that. None of this mess is your fault, and I don't think you're a bad sister, like at all. You're a great kiddo."

Dylan paused unsure of what to say next, but when he noticed that Amy wasn't frowning or sulking anymore but actually smiling softly in agreement, his uneasiness seemed to fade into what could almost be a smile too. "Anyways, let's cut the emotional crap before I feel sick to my stomach more than I already feel. Do you want some more cereal?"

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @wyked-ao3, @topazadine @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart, @ray-writes-n-shit

@writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid @thecomfywriter

@thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @amaiguri

@cherrychiplip @thecomfywriter @thelovelymachinery @bookwormclover

@differentnighttale, @leahnardo-da-veggie

[woneuntonzz]

what's it like to love ? 𓇢𓆸

anton lee x afab!reader (part 3/5)

• part 1

• part 2

• part 4

• part 5

warnings: cussing!

genre: fluff -`♡´- highschool love

word count: 3k words!!

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ description: student athlete!anton x studious class officer!reader | you swore to yourself, to you friends and even to your parents “I'm not one to easily fall.” and you thought you were that tough, not until him of course. [note!!: hiii i'd just like to quickly say that this is my first ever post ever and i'm still a bit insecure with my writing, and english is not my first language so bare with me now 🙏 open for any forms of feedback please do take note that i will take longer to update/respond to anything because of school, thank you!!! ]

[Days 2 - 4]

Friday and Saturday flew over you like a breeze. You've convinced yourself time and time again during those two lengthy days of him not being around was not gonna be a problem for you at all. You were definitely happy to see him, you wanted to see him, but you didn't need to.

Though you yourself thought you were doing a great job of making it seem like his absence didn't bother you at all, Xen, Sohee, and your other friends could see right through your thin, glass barriers.

“You're gonna see him again by the end of the week anyways, so what's the big deal?” it was lunch time, you sat with your girlfriends —including Xen— and it was Minjeong who had spewed an attempt to lighten up your mood.

“Yeah I guess so. I feel so crazy right now, you have no clue.” your voice was low, almost like a mimicry of his voice.

“Uh, yeah, we see and hear crazy very clearly.” your friends laughed at Xen's banter whilst you remained seated there with a downturned smile being slightly pushed around by your guffawing friends. 

You couldn't help but just laugh at the other-worldly noises coming from your friends. Yeah, it's not a big deal. I'm fine, I'm happy with my friends beside me. —you thought to yourself as you looked at your friends with so much warmth in your heart.

“But in all seriousness, I kinda get you too, you know. When my crush is not around I go nutsy-koo-koo all of a sudden, but then I see you guys and I'm like, I don't need him.” Liz had her arms crossed, a cheeky expression melding onto her face towards the end of her sentence. 

“Wait, you basically just said that Y/n has a crush on Anton now too.” Everyone gasped at Danielle's words.

They playfully touched you around, one of them twirling your hair in her fingers and the other wrapping an arm around your shoulder and lightly squeezing you 

“Do I?” Is all you could reply as you stared into the left-over food on your tray.

“Girl, just eat, we'll finish discussing this later —you need your nutrients!” 

Anton did stay true to his words. He messaged you that Friday night, and by Saturday, he was messaging you during his breaks too.

If your past self from two days ago saw these messages now, she would've put herself into rehab. The thought that you seemed to be falling more and more each day too quickly crossed your mind, but it was merely a fly buzzing around in your brain. Needless to say, you were truly just going with the flow.

————— ୨୧ —————

You would soon find yourself in a group vc with Xen and Sohee who were both in their own homes, waiting for Anton to message you again. All three of you had workloads to finish, your school was quite the fiesty one making sure to leave their students with a week's worth of schoolwork and studies before going on to say “enjoy your weekends.” and watching as the students dragged their tired and anxious asses out of that school. 

“Anton has had a crush on you for a long time now. Are you even still just a crush to him?” Sohee was in the process of writing a hand-written essay when he spoke, still concentrating on making his handwriting comprehensible at the very least.

“Well, he did say he likes me. Isn't that an entirely different thing?” you reply, also busy paraphrasing and typing down information for an infographics project. 

“You said he mentioned that you're his 'long-time crush', right?” Xen was just smiling at the two of you once she lifted her head up from what she was doing.

“Well it's all just words. The word 'crush' is used for everything nowadays, right?” Sohee was quick to turn his attention to his girlfriend, interested in what she has to say. “Some guys would say, 'Oh, I have a crush on this girl.' but could barely care about the girl —but what I'm trying to say is, the word crush doesn't really lay flat at a certain degree, whether it be just infatuation or true love.”

You found yourself nodding hearing the reassurance from your friend.

“Mhmm~ that's true. I have a crush on Xen and I am madly in love with her.” Xen laughed at Sohee's remark, making you smile at the sight of the two, just being in love.

Xen has always been a sort of anti-male, with the exception of her boyfriend and other men she trusts within her circle of friends and family. You ended up developing the same feelings after a lot of boy troubles throughout middle school to your freshman year. One of your most cherished memories was when you got played by a boy who swore to you that you were his everything, saying "I love you." from the very first day and continuing to talk to other girls throughout the entire time he was trying to get under your pants. Of course he was unsuccessful, and so he broke up with you, called you useless even. Xen comforted you and begged the classmate who sat next to you to switch seats with her for a while so she could be right next to you the entire time.

“You know, men can be very disgusting. Never think about that fucking asshole again, okay? He's not worth even a second of your thoughts. There are a lot of good people in this world, and they will always find their way to each other, like perfectly fitting puzzle pieces. You're a wonderful person Y/n, and someone just as kind and truthful as you will come finding their way to you.”

These were Xen's words that stuck to you like a virtue. You learned to be patient and to just enjoy life as it is, trying to improve yourself day by day. You were young after all, so if Anton turned out to be insincere, it's not the end of the world. 

“Oh wait, Anton just messaged me.” Xen and Sohee snapped their heads at you. 

“Oh, so should we invite him in or—”

“No, no, just keep doing what you're doing. I'll go now, thanks for everything guys, I love you both so much!” you were quick to interrupt Sohee, but the tempo of your speaking was a lot quicker, enough for the couple to pick up on what was going on.

“Yeah, okay, enjoy your talk with Ant!” you heard Xen coo at you before you left the call.

You fixed your stuff, putting it all away neatly and tidying up your study table before jumping onto your bed and resting your back on your bed's headboard with your legs stretched out.

You had a weak smile on. Anton had long days of training, while still having to catch up with the school workload for the sake of maintaining decent grades. He was definitely more tired than you were, and you felt like it should be the other way around, that you should be the one to soothe him.

Well of course you were completely unaware of it, but being able to talk to you was enough to bring his mind to peace. He needed nothing more but to be able to converse with you about anything and everything.

Your laughter turned into you biting onto your bottom lip, your cheekbones flying up as you suppress a squeal. You gave yourself a mental slap in the face and figured you're getting way too ahead of yourself. You listen to Arctic Monkeys quite often, so you figured you could use them as an excuse to hide your agitated state.

You gulped, lips pursed as you waited for his response. You anxiously watched the typing status, waiting for it to disappear and for Anton's message to pop up.

Your smile dropped a bit, but you understood. You've established respect for each other's boundaries, and you didn't want to break something so precious like that. 

The conversation went on for quite a while, and once it ended, the two of you went on to stare at your ceilings, glee and excitement rushing over your bodies —glee from the the things you two talked about and the inside jokes made along the way, and excitement knowing that you'll both be seeing each other the next day again, finally.

————— ୨୧ —————

You were in the car with Xen, Sohee, and Xen's mom; Mrs. Park. Your eyes wandered everywhere on the streets as the car moved. 

“Did Xen tell you that she and Anton were in the same orchestra in middle school?” your eyelids moved further apart when you heard what Mrs. Park just said.

“Orchestra? Anton was in an orchestra?” Mrs. Park giggled at your confusion.

“Yes, he's quite the cellist.” Mrs. Park held a grin, eyeing you from the rear-view mirror. 

“Wow. I didn't know that. I never would've guessed. I thought he's just always been a swimmer.” you uttered in awe, gradually becoming quieter as you progressed with your words.

“Well I wouldn't be surprised. Anton isn't very out-going. He doesn't approach people much, but people approach him.” The endearing tone in Mrs. Park's voice was enough to indicate that she's quite fond of Anton. “Do you like him?”

Your posture stiffened from hearing Xen's mom ask you the very question you've been asking yourself for the past few days. 

You spent months trying to build even the slightest bit of connection with this boy, and within those months you yearned for a reason as to why he avoided you like you were the biggest threat to his life. At some point, you started wondering, were you yearning for the truth or were you yearning for him? The answer was vague for you at that time, but now, you are so close to coming to terms with what you truly feel.

“I —well, I don't really know yet.” you released an unusual amount of breath as you spoke and you saw Mrs. Park reading through it like a book.

“Anton confessed to her, mom, and I'd say they're doing pretty great.” Xen excitedly clapped like a seal turning to her left to face her mom.

“Oh, is that so?” you nodded your head slowly, feeling a bit shy. “Are you two talking now?”

Your conversations for the past few days started to fill your mind. You felt the blood rising up to your cheeks as you went over every emotion you felt while talking to Anton. You told Xen's mom every detail about how much bolder Anton got when messaging you contrary to him struggling to hold eye contact with you without blushing.

“I believe I know both of you well enough to assess this situation.” followed by a long and soft hum, Mrs. Park searched for the words to express her thoughts about your situation. “You two are gonna be very happy. Of course, life has its ups and downs, I know both of you know that very well already, I just wish for the two of you to never forget that the downs are temporary, and it's where we grow stronger, where we learn.”

You adored the way Xen and her mom conveyed their feelings, how even if you've heard the same words, the same advice over and over again, they never failed to console you.

————— ୨୧ —————

With your arms linked with Xen's, you started walking to the main entrance of the stadium, Mrs. Park and Sohee followed closely behind. Your eyes followed the people going in and out of the stadium, and as promised, you messaged Anton when you got to your seats. 

Anton's face lit up the moment he saw your message on his notifications. He looked over towards a specific row of seats he had told Xen and Sohee to take you to, and so he found you right away.

You tried to look for him around the stadium, head turning from left to right every minute or so, but you just couldn't spot him. There were too many athletes with a similar stature and physique. 

The corners of Anton's lips rose to a bashful smile as he watched your head move at an irregular rhythm trying to look for him.

“Who are you smiling at?” One of Anton's teammates nudged at him.

“Oh it's nothing, I just saw my friends.” Thankfully his teammate did not care enough to question him further.

The competition would start soon enough and you would find yourself, mouth hung open watching the swimmers with astonishment. You've watched snippets of the Olympics back then, some you would only stumble upon on Tiktok, it never failed to amaze you with just how fast their pace could go.

Now you are seeing a match in real time, fists balled up from unadulterated joy. You're thankful that Anton wanted you to be here, and you couldn't wait for his turn. 

Sohee and Xen bickered, picking out swimmers who they thought would place 1st in each category, their picks always opposing each other. You and Mrs. Park on the other hand, just watched and clapped at every heat. 

You were looking around at the stadium taking in the spaciousness and the surrounding lights when Mrs. Park placed a hand on yours. “Anton will be out soon.” she whispers into your ear.

You kept the same smile you've been wearing since the match started, but your spirits were lifted to seemingly dramatic levels. Your eyes focused on each athlete in every heat, and when you finally saw Anton, he looked right at you. It was a bit too far you to see, but he had such an adoring smile on his face as he saw the stadium lights reflected by your eyes giving him a sweet gaze from afar. 

It happened twice, thrice, for the fourth time, and for the last time in Anton's last heat. There was no doubt that he did incredible for this particular match, your presence causing his heightened vigor.

The match had ended, the stadium was filled with immense praise for the athletes, awards were granted, and you clapped with so much force and volume every time Anton's name was called.

Anton saw it all. He wasn't aiming for a silver or a gold —which he both got— ,what he truly wanted was for you to see him at his best. You could say he intended to impress you, but this was all really just an excuse to see you again.

You, Xen and Sohee stood near the car, waiting for Xen's mom who had gone to the restroom. When she came back though, Anton followed right behind her, carrying his bag. You welcomed him with a warm smile to which he instantly folded, hanging his head low in order to hide the warmth spreading across his cheeks. 

“Anton's joining us for dinner!” Mrs. Park exclaimed, causing you to subconsciously clasp your hands together.

Anton's eyes dilated a bit with how adorable you were, everyone saw it and felt the tension between you two.

Anton sat in between you and Sohee at the back, and conversations just kept going on and on. But at one point during the car ride to dinner, while everyone else laughed and talked about some matter, you and Anton were having your own little talk.

“You're really amazing, you know.” your voice was low, but your tone was very mellow, it nearly melted the guy seated next to you.

He leaned in a bit, this time not minding the flushed state of his composure. “I couldn't have done it without you.” he replied in the same manner.

You turned your head a bit to look at him. You two were a lot closer than what the both of you thought, but not an ounce of care was given. He looked down into your eyes, staring at the shine reflecting on his own eyes. 

“That's quite cliché of you.” the two of you shared a soft laugh, eyes still locked on one another. 

“I know, but it's true.” his eyes hesitantly traveled down to your lips.

If it weren't for the car stopping, you two wouldn't even realize the closing proximity between you two and would have still been basking in the little space with each other's ambiance. 

Dinner was a delight. You were all at Xen's house eating a meal prepared by Xen's aunt. Anton tailed behind you taking the seat next to yours at the dining table. Everyone congratulated Anton with his great success for that day's competition, while under the table, your hands were so close to engulfing in one another. 

“How long have you been together?” This being the first time you and Anton met Xen's aunt, she just couldn't hold in her curiosity when the two of you remained notably close to each other from the moment you stepped in their home.

“Oh, we're not together… yet.” you laughed nervously, murmuring the last part. 

Considering the intimate distance, Anton was able to catch your last breath. Though he was still conversing with the adults in the room who had endless questions for him, he had his pinky crossed over yours. You kept your eyes on him, feeling the warmth of his hand close to yours. When he finally looked at you, he got lost in the constellations that formed in your eyes, looking right back at him with awe. 

Mrs. Park insisted on driving all three of you back to your own homes, Sohee being the first to depart, then you. 

Before leaving though, you gently place your hand on top of Anton's, waving goodbye with your other hand with a smile that alters his sensations. 

Your hand drifted from his at a painfully slow pace from which he longed for your touch the second he lost it.

It was indeed a good night.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

[sessakag]

I just wanna say that I absolutely LOVE Butterfly. It’s kinda the only fanfic I care about at the moment lmao I am LOCKED IN. The story itself is great, all of the characters (even the ones everyone hate rn) are interesting, the writing is phenomenal…I could go on and on.

I have a few thoughts I wanted to get out of my head. These aren’t suggestions (cuz it’s your story and I trust where you’re gonna take it), it’s moreso just kinda be me rambling lol:

Sasuke- I know you’ve mentioned he’s going to show up again later, but I’m so anxious to see the role he’s going to play. I don’t really want it to be a romantic thing with Hinata (I am a firm NaruHina lover lol) but I would love to see him be some kind of a protective friend for her? In my head he and Hinata already know each other; like they had some type of group therapy for traumatized teens or after she was removed from her dad’s care she was temporarily in a group home where she met Sasuke and they got to know each other idk. He knows her story and the pain she deals with, and is able to relate in a sense. So he doesn’t want to see her be taken advantage of. Idk, again this is NOT a suggestion lmao just rambling.

Strength- I would argue that Hinata’s the strongest character in the story so far. Even stronger than Naruto. She’s been thru absolute hell and suffers with severe anxiety and depression. The fact she struggles with suicidal ideations and is still making the choice to live is a testament to her strength. I hope that as the story progresses, Hinata starts to recognize that in herself.

Naruto- love the way you write Naruto in this; the chapters in his pov are some of favorites tbh. As someone mentioned before, I too would love to get a few jealous Naruto scenes. Especially since he’s starting to actually *see* Hinata and recognize his attraction to her. I’m assuming that as the story progresses, Hinata will grow into her own person and become somewhat independent of Naruto (like getting her own friends); is that something Naruto might feel threatened by? Since he does have a selfish streak and is immature, I wonder if he would have an issue with keeping Hinata all to himself.

I think those were the main ramblings I had. Chapter 8 is my absolute favorite so far cuz of the cute NaruHina moment we got. I know smut is probably a ways away but I cannot WAIT till we get to it cuz you are one of my favorite smut writers tbh. Anyways that’s all for now. Can’t wait to see what you have in store for us!

Thank you so much! 🙈💕💗so so so happy you're enjoy the fic that much 💕makes my heart do cartwheelssss 🏃🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️💗☺️🫶🏽 and thank you so much for dropping love in my inbox, I absolutely adore you all that do I swear 🥹

Ahhhh, you have some really interesting ruminations🙈

Sasuke- Surprisingly a lot of readers have been waiting to see how Sasuke fits into all this🤭I've gotten some incredibly creative scenarios and prediction from commenters and anons that I've actually added to his role and even moved his entrance up in the timeline😄This is a very interesting scenario and I really, really like it a lot! So many people really want a protective friend Sasuke and I can't say the idea isn't unbearably adorable 💕

Strength- You hit the nail on the head for sure🫡💕Hinata's inner strength is one that's often overlooked, underestimated and underappreciated when compare to more overt forms of strength, or socially constructed ideals of what it means to be strong, and I've really, really been wanting to make a point in the world of fanfiction, specifically the Naruto fandom of fanfiction, that strength is not always aggression, violence and bitchy attitude 🤦🏽‍♀️ because I've seen, for years now, this narrow, short sighted standard of who is strong and who is weak being perpetrated and it's always, always bothered the crap out of me 😤With Butterfly, I'm hoping to open minds and break molds we've been taught to believe are absolute👎🏽but are actually highly subjective👈🏽 I swear, so many of my fics are 'break the mold' type fics, lol, I think I just like to nay say the nay sayers, ya know, shine light on areas and topics that many may make negative assertions and toxic assumptions about while in reality, know very little about the subject matter at all. I think it opens the door for more compassion, understanding and inclusion ️🫶🏽 and honestly, that's what I'm all about.

Naruto- I love, love, love me a Naruto POV 🙈idk what it is about Naruto in particular since I love most make POV but it is soooo much fun being in his head 🤭Butterfly!Naruto and Prey!Naruto are two of my fave Naruto POV's to write in, both are so much fun in different ways 😄For sure Naruto's gonna have his jealousy moments, he's too hot headed and selfish in Butterfly not to🤭Its definitely not out of the realm of possibility that he'll feel some type of way about not being the center of her attention🤔right now, he's the golden boy, he's got the coveted place at her side, he's got exclusive access nobody else has, losing that, well, he might not be too keen on it🤭although, he's been trying to introduce her to his friends and help her with her speech problems, so maybe he'll take it as a source of pride that he's help her find her confidence🤔that's why I love this Naruto 🤭he really can go either way. Like, on one hand, he can be sweeter than cotton candy, some real tooth rotting sweetness, but on the other hand he can be a selfish asshole making scummy choices just to get what he wants😅he gets tunnel vision, and the only thing that matters is reaching his goals by any means necessary. He's just a really fun character🤭

I super duper appreciate you leaving your ramblings here!! I enjoy each and every one of them! Chapter 8 is near and dear to me too!! I enjoyed writing it so, so much, the cuteness almost melted my laptop 🙈💕 I cannot wait to do more sweet bonding scenes for them ️🫶🏽 that's honestly why my fanfics be so long, I get so caught up in just enjoying and marinating in NaruHina love 🙌🏽its like a virus I never wanna get rid of 😫 Smut is indeed a ways off, but I can't wait to get to it too 🙈 and tys, I'm honored to be one of your faves💕 Thank you, thank you for dropping by!!! I really loved seeing your ramblings! 🫶🏽

[calcitedraws]

Anon with the messed up tailbone, thanks for answering my question! Good to know my kidnapper knows how to take care of my chronic lower back pain /j/lh.

Honestly, Fen is really interesting to me and I like how you write them as a character. I like that they're gentle, but also something is deeply unsettling about how the chair thing is still really scary for me. Being strapped down and can't do anything, relying solely on a person to help feed you and move you around, while they try to convince you that this is necessary for you. I know you said that Fen doesn't see the MC as a pet or an object, but their actions speaks volumes that the only way he knows how to romance a person is through treating them like a pet. They tie you down and hope that by feeding you, being gentle and patient that it would eventually work out in the end like it did with their first cat. Like how anybody would tame a feral cat they found on the street. To me, personally, it comes off as a little bit condescending even if that wasn't the original intention Fen had. It also tells me that they view humans the same as animals on a subconscious level. Sure, they would never think of the MC as a pet on a conscious level, but they still treat them as one even if they never intend it to be so. It adds depth to Fen. It make me want to break the window and fuck off to the woods far away from them, because no matter how gentle and kind they are, I am not going to stick around a person like that for the rest of my life.

I might be going a lil too deep here (I tend to overanalyse stuff) but that's why I think I like Fen as a character so much. You wrote a really good character. Keep it up!

You! You understand what I'm trying to convey! I was sort of worried Fen would be misinterpreted... I love any an all asks but especially juicy ones!

The horror of being trapped and unable to do anything about it! The innate threat of being helpless to someone who you don't fully understand! The sheer helplessness of having an idea drilled into you while also knowing this person isn't completely sane or safe. Fen would never hurt you but you don't know that. I wove that implicit threat into everything Fen does.

The dichotomy of how Fen treats the player is fascinating to me. On one hand, they openly understand why you don't want to be here and want you to be happy and comfortable. I made sure to portray that Fen doesn't view them as a pet but treats them like a pet, sort of. But Fen fundamentally doesn't understand how to build a bond like that without locking someone up. They don't view you as a pet but rather they're trying to gain a bond the only way they've ever gained a solid bond that lasted; the bond they have to their cats.

Think about it: Fen had their only normal interactions taken away at a relatively important part of their social development, when their mother and siblings left. High school is where you really find your place in the world and instead of doing that, Fen was left isolated. Their father was a good man but he was dealing with the divorce and those feelings, neglecting Fen enough for them to feel they couldn't rely on their only connection.

I specified that Fens attachment style is anxious, they want to be reassured and loved openly. It damaged their ability to be comfortable at arms length, like most friendly connections are. In high school, Fen wasn't a yandere but rather just a very nervous and shy person. Maybe they ruined a few friendships by being too needy too quickly, not having a strong grasp on boundaries.

But Fens psyche was warped from the time they graduated high school until they kidnapped the MC. They slowly became agoraphobic, fearing the outside world and once their dad left (shortly after graduation) they were left alone to cope with these feelings. It doesn't make what Fen did right, but it's merely the process in which they became a yandere. They crave a close connection and they were close to their dad (calling everyday) but after he died they were now completely alone, for years. That sort of isolation warps ones mind.

The point is: you fundamentally understand Fens plan. You eventually can't hate someone who's only kind and gentle to you. They use a sense of being owed, that they only want what's best for you into your mind so you feel too guilty to attack them. Fen wouldn't use this to have sex, ever, because they have some form of moral compass. Fen is sweet and patient and gentle but they're also incredibly manipulative. I showed in the comic I just posted that Fen says incredibly manipulative things like 'you hurt me' and 'I know you love me.'

They're trying to slowly gaslight you into believing that leaving will only cause pain and a life of loneliness. That only they can love you in the way you should be loved.

So, yeah. You read Fen 110% correctly. They're condescending without meaning to be. I'm the same about characters I like, reading far too into them to be normal. I can't call Fen a good person, but they gave mostly good intentions. They don't view themselves as hurting anyone (aside from your lover if you had one prior to kidnapping).

[beanghostprincess]

What are your thoughts on lusopp? (Luffy x Usopp)

i just woke up so if my words are all over the place that's probably why! being productive right here! waking up early! somebody shoot me! fighting the urge to go back to sleep so i can reply to your silly lil awesome questions! i need a coffee.

AND!!! I REALLY LIKE THE SHIP!!! (just saw you're on impel down so i won't spoil anything!)

i mean, it's not my favorite ship and i'm not crazy about it like, idk, my fiancé is crazy about them (but again, she's crazy about zosan and lawlu and i'm not so we have to deal with each other's bullshit all the time). but i find their relationship really, really interesting and complex and cool to explore. i was just writing a fic about them being besties and super clingy, gonna cry. baby boys.

i personally see them more as just best friends, but hey! if there are cute fanarts and content i'm not going to scroll away!! it's a good and cute ship!!! they're bffs almost instantly and usopp's intelligence really disappears when he's with luffy which is, not only hilarious but extremely refreshing to see. let the anxious boy be dumb and reckless!! they're so chaotic!!

not to mention that it's not only their dynamic that makes them good, but the whole water 7/enies lobby thing. i fear that if i talk about this much i might start sobbing. but, like,,, their fight is the first time we see luffy actively cry on screen. we see luffy losing control of his crew, something he used to have control over. we see luffy lost and act impulsively and not knowing what to do because his best friend and sniper is about to go away and his heart fucking breaks into a million little pieces. because luffy sees usopp's potential and he wants him with the crew, but he can't do anything to help if usopp doesn't believe in himself. and also, the merry, which is another thing luffy loses control over and has to act like a logical captain about it but we all know it's heartbreaking for him too. and then there's usopp, who feels inferior and not worthy of being part of this amazing crew. even though he has shown over and over again to be part of this little family. he just feels like he doesn't belong here. and, you know, he says he's angry because of the merry but we all know the fight isn't about that.

so, we all agree that water 7 is very very peak lusopp (and sanuso, but tbf it's just peak usopp in general because he has great scenes with everyone. especially the monster trio, shout out to my boy zoro), and then enies lobby is when they make up and it's beautiful and heartbreaking and the way usopp yells at luffy to stand up and fight makes me want to curl up on the floor and sob for ages and ages and ag-

and i would go into detail about luffy's character but i don't want to spoil anything, so let's just focus on usopp here:

lusopp's dynamic works well both as a friendship and as a ship, mainly because they're both on the same page when it comes to silly shenanigans. we see them actively enjoying being with each other and doing stupid things together and that's just,,, so sweet. but also, usopp is one of those people that have to ground luffy sometimes and tell him "fuck, no. haha. we're so not doing that" because despite acting silly, he's pretty much more logical and rational than luffy is. but, you know, the reason he's like that most of the time is because he's scared of fucking dying (which i understand. i'd be scared too in that crew. i'm glad nami is always agreeing with him with these things), and he has to be the one to stop luffy (try to, at least. never really works) from doing extremely dangerous things. which is both hilarious and actually pretty cute to watch because it shows us how well usopp knows luffy. it's obvious that they're best friends. dude knows what luffy is going to do minutes before luffy even thinks about doing it. and luffy really, really admires and loves usopp's abilities and strengths and brains. all the things usopp is insecure about? luffy loves them!!!

and, you know, it's a good ship because they have that sort of bff energy, but if you make it romantic and angsty and more intimate? that's just better! i feel like their ship is just- those friendships that turn into romantic relationships but their dynamic doesn't really change at the end of the day? and i find that really endearing.

luffy makes usopp see the best in himself and makes him want to improve as a pirate to follow his dream and feel like he belongs in the crew. usopp makes luffy be a bit more grounded to reality whenever he needs to, and he was the first one to make luffy realize that, well, fuck, he's the captain of a ship and he needs to be responsible and make harsh decisions.

but now that they're together again, luffy is sooo not going to let him go ever again. and usopp will never try to do so because he just wants to keep fighting for him!!!

it's such an endearing and funny and angsty ship. i think i just don't really ship them much because i'm more of a sanuso/zolu kind of person. but at this point just make it poly and everybody is happy (except nami bc she has to deal with the 4 of them being in love and that would be extremely tiring. somebody bring back vivi for her PLEASE).

but yeah, cute ship. not my favorite but awesome to explore and tbh one of my favorite friendships in this show. very underrated but that's just bc usopp is underrated af and it makes my blood boil with anger and the fury of hell itself. that's for another day, though!

[possiblyunhinged]

Being autistic, mentally ill and poor is very not ideal right now when lefties on the internet turn into raging dickheads during an election campaign... And I am a lefty.

I don't think I've ever felt this negative about everything... and I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 6.

I AM A FUN LITTLE GUY, OKAY?!

I've been in a four-day funk where I literally can't cope with external stimuli. I'm a boring person. I spend far too much of my life reading up on stuff, and usually, I'd be all over the election coverage, but I'm just done with everything...

Not in a 2008 emo way, in an I'm autistic, and my brain feels like it's on fire right now kind of way.

There are many threads of injustice weaving through everything right now, that my silly little ND can't cope anymore. Which I know sounds deeply petulant. I am a BABY... but I think for me, if a problem isn't solvable in my brain, then it just kind of sets fire to it on the way out.

It's been in England right now when you're working class, especially over the past three or four years. I'm not talking about losing your annual holiday, the last time I went abroad was when I was 10 years old. I have never been able to justify a holiday nor save because just keeping my head above water financially has been a fucking ballache.

Knowing that over 4 million families are living in poverty right now and having the lived experience of how that experience obliterated my childhood and indoctrinated my brain with a shame that has never left me absolutely breaks my heart.

I don't even have a quip to follow that.

I can't cope with those in power's complete lack of regard for what they have done. And when these children need help, whether that's psychological or otherwise, the likelihood is they'll just be stuck on a fucking waiting list.

I don't have space for rhetoric that generally only exists in University lectures for a reason... because it doesn't translate into real life with all of its complexities.

Unless it's a tactical vote, you can shove your Green Party where the sun doesn't shine. A blessing is that Labour will push for proportional voting and before the LaBoUr HaVe BaCkPeDaLlEd On EvErYtHiNg... wait and see, hey?

Let people feel a modicum of fucking hope for one second, because guess what... being someone who deals with suicidal ideation in a world so desperate to destroy people's hope is sehr stressig.

Beyond being a wretched bitch, I've pretty much been sick most of my life. And I have never found it more difficult to live with my brain.

I've existed in poverty since the age of 8. I'm 28 now. I don't have savings. I haven't worked for years because I had a nervous breakdown when I was 24 after being sexually assaulted. I tried CBT, beta-blockers, and a myriad of anti-depressants, guzzling on mushroom powders, but ultimately, I very much became a homebound agoraphobic once more.

I was diagnosed first with agoraphobia when I was 14.

I swear, I'm not an absolutely miserable cunt...

Well, not fully anyway.

Being reliant on the NHS for help my whole life has been nothing but a fucking nightmare. CAHMS was a joke, and it's only in recent years I started looking into the amount of people who were abused in that system. People didn't know what to do with a hyper anxious girl who could not simply slot in to a system of which worked for the majority. I next exceeded 20% attendance in a school year, despite the very helpful threats from social services.

I struggle to see how things have changed, frankly.

And I mention all of that to say that I've never felt more shame about my situation. I've never felt more scared about my future, especially when I am so reliant on my Mum, who is ageing like milk that's been left out on a patio in Portugal, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to help her as she gets older. My friend's lives are all falling into place, and mine has never felt so glum.

I was just curious to see if anything had indeed changed from when I was a child, and I saw a statistic of how more children are being submitted to A&E with self-harm injuries. And I can't help but ponder how shoving them on a waiting list for years and offering 6 sessions of CBT is going to help. I mean, two people I love attempted to take their own life and were just told to go back to their GP.

I don't feel all that positive right now.

I don't know why the fuck I think writing this on the internet is a good idea. However, people who play politics for a personality don't get that they make people who are struggling feel like debate fodder.

People are really fucking struggling, and if they get fucking 2% better, I'm sure most would take it. This incessant need to shit on anything that resembles some kind of hope is actually gross. And in fact, I think it's cruel.

Is 2% better the dream? No, obviously fucking not.

But am I going to fucking bite at the next middle-class person who goes on the internet or pops up on a TV panel and tells people who are struggling what to think? Yes.

I'm sharpening my teeth with an emery board as we speak.

Now, while we all sit on NHS waiting lists trying to convince ourselves that life just might one day get better, it'd be nice if more lefties on the internet would stop being such insufferable cunts.

[yanderes-galore]

Tweek Tweak concept if you will please?

Sure! I'll see what I can do for Tweek :) Sorry it took months! Utilizing my previous Tweek concept to help me out with this. Aged up AU that takes place sometime after high school but sometime before Post Covid.

Yandere! Tweek Tweak with Anxious! Darling concept you can check out too!

Yandere! Tweek Tweak Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Swearing, Obsession, Past yandere behavior, Violence, Jealousy, Murder, Stalking, Kidnapping, Drugging, Dubious relationship, Tweek is unhinged from the start, Delusional yandere, Threats.

Tweek is an unhinged yandere.

I'm convinced in the past Tweek was a yandere to Craig.

Then somehow they had a break up which made Tweek go a bit more nuts when he meets you.

It's quite obvious why Craig left Tweek.

The whole concept of an obsessive stalker boyfriend who goes batshit over everything isn't appealing.

By the end of it they either peacefully distance from each other...

Or Tweek snaps and Craig gets to deal with it...

He's probably never seen from again.

When Tweek meets you he appears to be normal.

It's months after his past relationship and he appears to be his anxious self like usual, running a coffee shop and twitching.

When you first meet him you have no idea he's mentally unstable.

Or a potential murderer/kidnapper.

No, your first ever meeting is by ordering a coffee, a simple transaction.

It's even normal to strike up conversation with the person making your coffee!

You have no idea how much this one little meeting affects him.

Tweek's darling could be a regular to his coffee shop.

That way he sees you often and learns a lot about you from chats.

You don't have any idea how he feels about you.

At first, Tweek is hesitant to accept the fact he may enjoy you.

He remembers the last time that happened... it didn't end well.

Yet maybe he can make this time work!

Maybe you'll be different than Craig!

Tweek is Obsessive, Delusional/Paranoid, Unpredictable, Manipulative, and overall is an Unstable yandere.

It's funny how the way I write him makes him one of the worst South Park yanderes.

He is also an experienced yandere which may make him hard to catch.

He learns from his mistakes with Craig and utilizes what he knows to make his obsession with you work better.

Platonic... romantic... he doesn't really care.

If anything he's looking for someone to rely on again

Preferably someone who won't run away or fight him like the last one.....

Once Tweek knows you enough to obsess over you, the horror begins.

Tweek quickly wants to know all about his new darling.

He stalks you, he makes notes of what you like and what you do, he wiggles his way into being your best friend.

He can either maintain the relationship as a best friends, or push it further.

Either way Tweek quickly learns about you.

Through stalking, invading your privacy, and just hanging out... he has a pretty good idea of who you are as a person.

He also knows all your friends and family....

Tweek is a yandere who feeds on your attention.

If his darling ignores him or tries to distance themselves then Tweek can quickly become volatile.

Tweek is capable of murder and kidnapping... all learned from his previous relationship.

Yet he hopes he can play this right and not have to use those skills with you.

He doesn't want to repeat what happened with Craig....

If Tweek has to then he will make his obsession more intense, usually if he is not seeing results he wants.

He may just seem like this sweet jittery man...

He's much worse, unfortunately.

Tweek manipulates you heavily by begging and pleading with you into staying by him.

He'll threaten those around you to back off, if they don't he'll hurt them.

May even straight up kill them in the future.

The moment Tweek begins his plans to kidnap you, you're in too deep.

Kidnapping and violence will only happen if Tweek gets too jealous.

This is easier to do than most due to him remembering what happened with Craig.

How Tweek would kidnap his darling is drugging their drink before trapping them in his basement.

Maybe he wants to keep you there because he's jealous about his best friend?

Maybe he's tied you up because he loves you too much and doesn't want to lose you?

I feel Tweek would be quicker to kidnap and murder on his second obsession rather than his first.

He's grown impatient.

He needs an obsession.

You just so happen to be the person he's chosen to obsess over next!

Expect Tweek to be unstable.

One wrong move can get you hurt.

Misbehave and punishment is in order, you need to be well behaved to be beside him right?

Then there's the idea of escaping...

The moment Tweek catches wind of you trying to escape or escaping...

It's over.

If you tried to leave him then Tweek considers this darling a failure.

Tweek struggles to accept this fact... but knows what must be done.

It's simple, if he can't have you then no one can.

Tweek would kill you if you pushed him by trying to leave him...

It was worth a shot to find a new darling... but perhaps it just wasn't meant to be?

[artekai]

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

[fictionkinfessions]

I'm not sure how to feel about this since I've not really interacted with fictionkin-centred posts often, but I've been finding myself feeling extremely connected to the point of growing anxious and breaking down when it comes to the character Yagami Light from Death Note, especially when he is shipped with any character at all or if someone misinterprets him and his goals. I find myself relating to him to a concerning level, and feeling dissatisfied with myself for being so due to, well, his role as the villain in the story and how I still see myself having done or doing the same things in his position. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, if I truly do kin a morally grey character (who isn't even morally grey- it's just wrong in hindsight with so many flaws in the logic and process of carrying out plans), does that carry onto me? I feel that I would despise people like Kira in real life, but I find myself relating to him so much it hurts. it's just... confusing?

And It's not as if I'll ever be able to say it out loud or post it on any non-anonymous blog even if I really am kinning this character because that'd come with more issues that I'm not exactly willing to deal with, not only from people who disregard kinning, but also from those who know about what Kira has done in canon. Additionally, it being from a manga/anime such as Death Note? I mean, I wouldn't consider myself an avid fan of the series, but god does it feel irritating when things are blatantly wrong in discussions about the source.

additionally, I've found that I've had other similar issues (for a lack of a better word) before with characters that I feel may be less conventional, if even characters. For example I heavily relate to an ex-friend's oc, it's not even funny. I swear I really shouldn't have been so emotional about it considering that I do put my own ocs through hell and anyone should be able to do whatever they like with their ocs, but I had distanced myself from that friend from doing the same thing to that specific oc and making fun of that oc, though I never did voice it. And secondly, perhaps even up to now, I associate part of my identity with the concept of the Backrooms- not even am entity or character? That's... something. I'm not even sure if that's a thing that exists.

but...I guess I'm anxious over this for a multitude of reasons, and finding patterns that Im conflicted over.

not too sure if this counts as fictionkinning or kinsidering (that is the word, isn't it?) so this doesn't have to be posted. But overall, yeah. I'm at a loss for words as to where to go from here after typing all this out.

📦

[letsplayballet]

alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!

first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)

but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:

starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).

side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.

anyway.

so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:

this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.

and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.

which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.

... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists

luckily, sumire is able to fight back:

and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.

and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!

i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.

this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.