#My brain has kinda stopped working a bit because I’m so tired

[i-may-be-an-emu]

tragedy strikes as silly little guy can’t write silly little gay stories because hes oh so tired (it’s his own fault, he doesn’t sleep)

[andreafmn]

Collision | Chapter 22

Word Count: 3.4K

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life is at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

A/N:  can't believe how different my characters are in my twilight stories. this Paul is so much different than Speak Paul, and so is Jake, it kinda breaks my brain 😅

<- Previous | Next ->

A moment can feel like an eternity when the soul isn’t at ease. Time seems to reverse and turn over on itself, holding the body hostage to its grapples. It twists the mind, numbs all reason, and feeds doubt. Time can sometimes be scarier than death itself.

(Y/N) could have sworn the entire day had passed before the pack finally walked through the doors. But the light coming from the outside told her it was still early. They walked in as though nothing had happened, and they hadn’t just torn a vampire to shreds. The boys laughed and patted each other on the backs, celebrating as though their lives had not been in peril.

As soon as they came into view, the girl ran to her brother and wrapped her arms tightly around him. She wrapped them around his neck as his own caught her by the waist. Once she felt him with her own hands, she finally let out a strangled breath, allowing all the anxiousness to roll off her body.

“Oh, thank the spirits you’re okay,” she breathed shakingly. “I thought something happened to you.”

“You need to give me more credit here, bean,” he chuckled. “We take this job seriously.”

“I was scared.”

“Come on, he was outnumbered,” Sam shrugged. “There was no way we were going to let him go. He was easy meat.”

“So, none of you got hurt? You’re all okay?” 

“Of course we are,” Paul interjected. “That guy had nothing on us.” 

“I told you they would be okay,” Emily said, carrying a plate of fresh biscuits that the boys dug into as quickly as it reached them. “The boys always come home. Especially when they know that there’s food on the table.”

“I knew I could smell chicken,” Jared grinned. “I’m starving, man.”

“When are you not?” Embry teased as he walked past him.

“Oh, the young kid has some bark in him,” Jared chuckled. “You’re finally one of us.”

Laughing, Embry, Jacob, and Paul walked right past (Y/N) and to the dining table. Jacob was about to do the same but stopped next to her. “Bella’s okay,” she said. “She got home a while ago. She’s still a bit shaken up, mostly because of the giant wolves she saw.”

“Okay,” he said as he let out a breath of relief. “Thanks.”

“She’s tougher than she looks, Jake,” (Y/N) smiled. “She’s also smart, and she has a lot of questions.”

“I know,” Jake sighed. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Forcing the imprint bond hasn’t worked out?” the girl teased. “I thought it would.”

“Not funny, (Y/N),” he pouted. “But no. I guess everyone was right. It’s just… she deserves so much better.”

“Don’t we all, Jake? Don’t we all,” she said as she patted him comfortingly on the shoulder. “Now, go eat. You gotta refuel.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you around, (Y/N).”

“Bye, Jake.”

As the boy left her by herself, her gaze found her brother. He was sitting on a bench in the backyard, his shoulders slumped and a hand over his eyes. Sam was tired, that much she could tell. But it wasn’t because of the vampire. No. It was a fatigue she knew very well.

“Hey,” she said softly as she sat next to him. “How’re you doing?”

“I told you we’re all good, Bean,” Sam smiled weakly.

“That’s not what I mean, Sam. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” he breathed. “Just… tired. I was worried before that. We caught the leech’s scent first, and we were ready for a fight—finally finish up who’s been killing all those hikers. But then your scent was mixed up in it and I got so stressed that I wouldn’t get to you in time. I’ve been worried that a bloodsucker would take you away from me, but I never thought it could’ve happened this way.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Sam,” (Y/N) said as she wrapped her arms around her brother. “Not for a while, at least.”

“It was scary to realize how easy it would have been for that guy to kill you.” His voice trembled as he spoke, the protector mask quickly falling away. “With how things were going with the doctor, I was sure I would have to get used to not having you near again. But today reminded me about how you could have been gone for good. And what would’ve happened if you had no idea who we were? You would have no idea that we were trying to protect you, and you would have been just as terrified as Bella was. You would have been scared of me.”

“Well, I guess that’s one thing you can be grateful about him,” (Y/N) smiled, squeezing her brother’s hand comfortingly. “This is one secret you don’t have to hide from me.”

“It’s a shitty secret.”

“It’s a necessary one, Sam. You taught me that.”

“Yeah, it’s the reason two of the people I love most in the world got hurt,” he grumbled. “It’s a shitty secret.”

“What? You’re saying if it had been a choice, you would have said no?”

Sam sighed and let his head fall back as his eyes closed. “I don’t know, honestly,” he admitted. “It’s an honor to have been chosen to protect our people. But sometimes, I just wish the responsibility fell onto someone else. If it hadn’t been for this, so many lives would have been different. I know I’m meant to be the strong one, but I just can’t help but wonder why me sometimes.”

“Do you remember what you told me before I left for school?” (Y/N) said. “I wasn’t sure why I had been the one chosen for the scholarship and I was so scared that the school had made a mistake that I wanted to stay home. You told me that the only one who didn’t believe in me was myself —that I would always be my harshest critic and that I would never believe how amazing I was no matter how much people told me. Well, now it’s your turn, Sam. You’re doing an amazing job as an alpha. You’re keeping out people safe, you have a beautiful fiancée that loves you, and you’re the best brother a girl could ask for. If the universe chose this job for you, it was for a reason.”

“Yeah, an alpha that didn’t have a hold on things and managed to not only scar the woman I love, but I couldn’t even stop you from getting hurt,” he exclaimed. “And now all these hikers are dead, and even though we killed this leech, another one with a vendetta is gonna come here for the Swab girl. I just can’t seem to do things right. I have no business caring for all these people.”

“Sam, I can’t think of anyone else that would be perfect for the job. You’ve been taking care of me and mom for a long time. Even when you didn’t have to, you always made sure we were okay. You made me dinner when mom was at work after school, you were there at every science fair, you even taught me how to ride a freaking bike,” she chuckled. “I don’t think you realize how good of a person and a leader you are. How you always step up to the plate when anyone needs you, no matter how trivial the matter is. You’re an amazing brother and an amazing alpha. We are all gonna lose someone sometime, no matter how hard we try to save them. Our job is to save those we can.”

Sam allowed the words of his sister to skin into his head, slowly allowing his body to relax. He settled into the bench comfortably and draped an arm around (Y/N) to bring her in for a side hug. “Since when do I have a little sister that is so smart?” he teased lovingly. “Don’t remember the moment you got old enough to give me advice.”

“Sam, you’re barely older than me.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m older.”

“No. You’re just old.”

The pair of siblings joined the rest of the pack soon after, gathering around the table to enjoy the feast that Emily had prepared. They ate, they laughed, they talked, and finally, they crashed all around the fireplace in the living room. Jared and Embry had taken the sofas, and Emily and Sam had excused themselves to their room while Jacob had said his goodbyes and gone back home. The only people that were left awake were Paul and (Y/N), tension surrounding the air around them.

(Y/N) knew that avoiding Paul couldn’t last much longer, especially not when she could have lost him that afternoon. She had waited for him to come home, breathless and terrified that the last moments she had spent with him had been avoiding him. The survival of their friendship rested on the conversation she did not want to have with him, but she knew it was essential if she ever wanted him to stay her best friend.

“So,” she said, finally breaking the silence. “How’ve you been?”

“Oh, you finally have some time for me in your busy schedule?” Paul teased. “How lucky am I? Maybe I should face vampires more often.”

“Very funny, Paul.”

“Hey, I’m not the one that has been avoiding you for weeks now,” he shrugged as he threw his hands up in defeat. “What’s that about?”

The girl sighed as she restless her head against the wall, staring up at the wooden ceiling than into Paul’s eyes. She could feel his state burning a joke through her skull, seaman ding entrance into her innermost thoughts.  “Paul, you know what it’s about,” she responded. “You were getting too attached, and I didn’t know how to manage that.”

“Are you serious, (Y/N)? I was growing too attached?” Pail spoke in shouted whispers, wanting nothing more than to explode at that. But exhaustion clawed at his body, and the last thing he wanted was to let his wolf out. “And what have you that brilliant idea?”

“Paul, come on. The night Jacob finally turned, I could hear it in your voice,” she recalled. “You said there was something you just had to tell me, and I’m pretty certain I know what it is.”

“Oh yeah, Einstein? And what’s that?”

“That you want more,” she stated. “That you want us to be more.”

Surprise ran through Paula’s face before quickly transforming into an angry scowl. It had been what (Y/N) had wanted to avoid, but it was no use to continue pushing the inevitable. “Come on, (Y/N),” he exclaimed. “You can’t tell me it doesn’t make sense. We work well together, we have chemistry, and we have known each other for so long. Why won’t you just give it a chance?”

“Because I don’t see you that way, Paul, and I never will,” she responded. “You’re my best friend, yes, and we get along well because of it. It doesn’t mean that I want to be with you. I told you from the start that this was not gonna be anything other than just a physical thing—I was very clear on that.”

“So, what? You just use me for my fucking body but won’t even give yourself a chance to see if you might have feelings for me?” Paul spat. “Is it because of the bloodsucker? He broke you so much that you won’t give anyone else a chance?”

“This has nothing to do with him. I simply don’t have feelings for you, Paul.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” His voice rose as he jumped to his feet. “He’s not coming back, (Y/N)! He left you. He took his family, and he left you. Why won’t you get over him already?”

“Whether he was here or not, my feelings for you wouldn’t change. I see you as a friend, and I’ll always see you as a friend, Paul,” (Y/N) stated, trying her best to stay calm. She knew that playing into his game would only work to make him angrier, and the result could be catastrophic. “If you can’t handle that, then I think it’s best we just cool things off.”

“Oh my god, you are still in love with him,” he scoffed. “After all that bullshit that you went through for months. He told you he didn’t care about you. He said you were only a moment in his eternal life. He doesn’t love you, and he never fucking did.”

By that point, the pair had gotten an audience, the two teens that were asleep on the couches had woken up and Sam had come out of his room. But none of that seemed to deter Paul from continuing with his rant. He was seeing red and didn’t care if what he said hurt her. “You don’t care that he stomped on your heart and didn’t give it another thought. I bet you’d take him right back if he asked,” he spat. “I guess you both have something in common, though. You take what you want from people and, once you’re done with them, you throw them away.”

“That’s quite enough, Paul.”

“No, Sam, it’s okay,” (Y/N) interjected. “From the beginning, you knew what you were getting into, Paul. I didn’t want a relationship, and I sure as hell have never given you any indication that I wanted one with you. I’m sorry if you are hurt, but I was very clear about what I did and didn’t want. It’s not my fault you believed this could ever go anywhere.”

“You knew exactly what you were doing when you asked me to be your fuck buddy,” the boy seethed. “You knew you’d be leading me on, and you held it over me like a fucking toy.”

“Don’t you dare put this on me, Paul,” she said, her tone rising as frustration overtook her. “I was very clear. I was very honest. Not once did I ever say or even insinuate that I wanted to be with you. I’m sorry that I did use you for your body and the convenience, but it is not my fault that you deluded yourself into believing that we could be together.”

“You are honestly unbelievable, (Y/N). You used me, and now you wanna make it my fault,” Paul pushed. He closed the distance between them, towering over her like a dark cloud. He could see or hear reason; he couldn’t even admit that everything he was saying was a lie. All he could see was red. “No wonder you fell for a bloodsucker. You’re just as heartless and cold as them. I bet you wouldn’t even give betraying us a second thought if it meant you could save one of them. Maybe he left you before you could leave him. After all, it is in your genes.”

The words struck a chord in (Y/N). She gathered all the strength she had, recoiled her hand, and slapped Paul firmly across the face. But where everyone was expecting her hand to shatter at the contact, the hit went through and made the boy’s face snap to the side. The mere surprise had him stumbling a couple of steps back, holding his face as it grew pink from the strike.

After the initial shock, anger bubbled inside him, and he charged toward (Y/N). But he couldn’t even make it a step toward her before Jared and Embry were shielding her. The boys grabbed Paul’s arms and held him back as he fought, yelling at them to let him go.

“That’s enough!” Sam’s voice bounced off the walls, sending shivers even down (Y/N)’s back. “Get out of here, Paul, and cool off. That’s an order. Go with him, Jared.”

The second-in-command pulled Paul out of the house and far from view, leaving Sam and Embry with a tearful (Y/N).

“Hey, Embry, can you give us a second?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he mumbled. “You okay, (Y/N)?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she sniffled. “Thanks.”

 “I’ll, uh, be in the guest room until my shift starts.”

Once the boy had left, Sam wrapped his arms tightly around his sister, allowing her to crumble in his embrace. “He’s an ass, (Y/N),” he whispered. “And he had no right to say any of those things.”

“But he’s a little bit right,” she cried. “A few months ago, I was ready to leave everyone behind for a man that didn’t even spare me a thought. And then I used Pau to fill a void someone else left, knowing he had feelings for me. I’m just like dad.”

“Hey, absolutely not. You are nothing like him,” Sam affirmed. He cradled her face in his hands, wiping away the tears on her cheeks. “You are by far one of the most amazing human beings I know. You’re intelligent, you’re caring, and so determined. I don’t think you know just how proud I am of you. Paul’s just butthurt that you don’t like him. He doesn’t deal well with rejection.”

“It doesn’t mean he’d no right.”

“What could he possibly be right about? He’s barely passing his classes.”

“I still love him,” she answered meekly, her voice so low and broken she wasn’t sure she had said anything at all. “I miss him every single day, no matter what I do to forget him. I keep waking up thinking he’ll be just a drive away, but then I get to the hospital, and his office is empty. It’s not a bad dream, Sam. It’s my reality.”

“Bean, I didn’t… why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this?  I thought things were better.”

“Well, I thought the last thing you wanted to hear about was about my ex-boyfriend, who is literally centuries older than me and is your natural-born enemy,” (Y/N) chuckled through her tears. “And it’s not easy to say that I’m not over the guys that told me I was just a spec of sand in his lifetime.”

“Love is a strange thing, (Y/N). It’s hard to come by, and it takes forever to move on from. It hurts for a really long time, until one day you wake up and it doesn’t anymore,” he said, brushing back strands of her hair. “I don’t care who this guy is, Bean. If you need me, if you need to talk, you just have to tell me. I am here for anything you need. He may have been my enemy, but you are my sister, and that trumps everything.”

“Do you think they’ll ever come back?”

“Maybe not in our lifetime. The last time they left, they didn’t come back for almost seventy years. If they do come back, it’ll be long after we’re dead,” he shrugged. “Do you want them to?”

“Is it selfish if I say I do?”

“I mean, it does make me question how we’re related,” he teased. “But I don’t think you’re selfish for it. Just promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“If by some weird trick of the universe they do decide to come back, that you won’t go back to him, (Y/N). Or at least give him hell for it first.”

“I can promise you I will make him grovel until his knees give out,” she grinned softly. “But I do hope that, if they don’t come back, living without him gets easier soon enough. I hate carrying this black hole inside me.”

“It’ll get better one day, Bean,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her. “But while it isn’t, let me carry this burden with you. And just take things one at a time. Focus on school and work and forget about this whole thing with Paul. He’ll see reason soon enough.”

“I love you, Sam. Thank you fed everything that you’ve done.”

“I love you too, kid.”

“I’m only a year younger than you,” she laughed.

“A year is still a year,” he smiled as he chuckled. “Now, let’s get you home so you can rest and forget this all happened.”

Yet, it was a moment none of them would be able to rid from their minds. (Y/N) should not have been able to slap Paul without hurting herself, and she most definitely should not have hurt him. But, at that moment, no one was thinking about that. All they wanted was comfort and rest, and that’s all they did. Because in their town, there was always something new lurking around the corner.

Next ->

My content will always be free, but if you’re feeling particularly generous, you can leave a tip on any of my posts  or buy me a coffee to support me and my love of writing If you’d like to be tagged in this or any other story: click here Make sure you have my notifications on so you know every time I post!

Taglist: @winter-soldier-101@zheezs14 @a-sifu-hotman @sunflowerleii@dyslexiccatterpillar @blackbluerose666 @slutforsainz @kortniec696 @xcastawayherosx@minhaimaginacao @bluebirbnamedjay @sirenheadenby @andreiaafaria @bluetreecloud20@sunshine2894 @valejewel @mushroomelephant @swidkid @skyesthebomb@esposadomd @nocturnalherb16

@nogitsune-the @user0ur0mom @cometstail @sugajar @lovel-blog @616wilsons @lunaOoO @senjuhotaru @princesshearts18 @byelannie

@avis15@wonieeee@baebeepeach@krazyk99@catgirlpwr@klf1999@sl-ut@adaydreamaway08@cinffy23@toomanythoughts33 @laylaskywalker @fandomonetwo @fruitylilfuck @a-slut-for-loki-bucky @honeywxter @haroldpotterson@kaita11 @gangstalicious06 @uwunuggetchan@elijahssuit @multifandomreader73 @ellabellabus07@blackloveangel13@euphoria1992@saltedcoffeescotch@lowkeysaurus@zealouscookierebeltrash@sleepilysworld@laylasbunbunny @american-sataness @cevans-winchester@avada-kedavra-bitch-187@jstarr86 @coquita @ilikepunsbeth @itsmytimetodream @laury-blackbeak @unstablekay@midnightmisses@magical-spit @ratsys @hopexargent @druigsluver29 @fresita1218

@chaoticthingpizza @cecehensonn @thatgirljayy @f4irylure @thedeadpo3t @monbrss @revnamjinn @bibella8swan @integalacticspacemonkey @marshmallowgem

@catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @daniallh @lis-likes-fics @agent-anna @blightwulf @mauvette268 @marvelatthetwilight @beefwhobarksandisalilmadalot @juniper-a @jules-bea2308 @comic-book-overload

@unicornicopia1 @the-house-of-rose-and-ember @mysingularitybts @wonnou @greyeyedmockingbird

@nessaasstuff @simon-e-mallory @urmomsfav-stuff @evattude @the-irish-princess @heartfilia01 @jinxxangel13 @rinalouu @haikyuuswhore @arcaurix @cheshirecat484 @bloobewy @pinkrockstar19

@lainlovelain

[brandogenius]

could you write something about younger artist feeling insecure or self conscious? and the boys/muna whoever helps her feel better?

‼️RPF‼️

BLURB - muna (mainly naomi), boygenius & younger artist! - helping them feel better (short)

- ya is someone who is quite shy. take this as a scenario where boygenius is on tour and you and muna are opening for them. getting to know muna was awesome. katie, naomi and jo are awesome people, yet you still feel a little shy around them.

- mainly because out of the 6 musicians. you’re the youngest out of them all with the least / littlest amount of experience.

- listening to muna do their soundcheck and it just honestly wasn’t a good day/ woke up on the wrong side of the bunk. anxious and shit. you started to spiral and compare which you knew was bad.

- you are your own independent artist. yet you couldn’t stop the thoughts from rambling in your head. you weren’t sure why the boys wanted you on tour alongside muna. maybe they should’ve just had muna instead.

- it must’ve been naomi who seen ya and came over like ��hey!” but seeing them kinda lost in thought, fidgeting kinda anxious immediately warning signs. it has naomi being like “why don’t we get some coffee huh?” arm draped across ya’s shoulder and leading reader away.

- naomi and ya just going to get coffee at this cafe across the venue. naomi sending a txt into the gc like ‘yeah we’re just getting coffee, be back in a bit

- maybe reader and naomi aren’t as close but naomi worries.

- given the talk by phoebe. “they are literally 19. be nice, it’s a child”

- naomi being a little bit awkward but starting the convo off like “so how’s tour been?” and eases into a smaller conversation about what happened earlier after their soundcheck set

- “you seemed a little anxious during our set. you sure you’re ok?” and readers like “i just feel like i’m awful- the music i make is shit-“ and naomi doesn’t even let reader finish

- naomi stopping reader like “no. no we’re not doing this today. i know where this is heading snd we’re not going to spiral today”

- naomi spending a few minutes to talk reassuring words to reader (i am very tired my brain won’t cooperate rn so expand on it)

- reader being like :( and naomi is like “i’m not trying to lecture you or anything. in this music industry, you can’t let those thoughts effect you like that, kid”

- getting to chat and talk about life with naomi for a little bit longer before having to go back inside for the show. meeting the boys and the rest of muna. all of them worried and concerned but ya shrugging it off. you didn’t want to talk more about it. whatever you talked about with naomi was enough. you didn’t wanna worry the rest of the members

- phoebe who i would say knows your the most well outta everyone there is like “are you sure you’re ok?” and you’re like “i’m fine i promise..” and phoebe who is like i can smell bullshit but she leaves it go for now

- naomi talking with katie and jo about it. just worrying about you. of course they aren’t readers babysitter but the thought of someone so young in the industry feeling anxious and worried / self conscious over their work. of course it’s gonna worry them too.

[blossomwritesthings]

𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 | 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞

⬷ 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞┊ 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 ┊ 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

pairing: minho x felix (minlix)

genre: dancer!minho/artist!felix. brothers best friend troupe. college au. age gap (abt 4 years). minho pov. extremely dark themes throughout, including smut - MDNI, 18+ only.

word count: 4.4k

the playlist 🗡️

a/n: OKAY, SO- 💀 I HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THE DELAYED UPDATE!!!! 💀😔 My life has been so incredibly fucking busy lately... with working full time and doing summer uni courses full time and planning for lolla and like, the 5 other concerts im going to in the later half of this year... it's been a lot, fam. 😭 I've been under sm stress at work and from school that I've been getting really bad chest pains, but I'm trying to manage things so it's slowly getting better. But the burn out is real, people. That shit fucks you over sooo bad omg 😭 I just have no motivation to write anything at the end of the day or on the weekends because I'm so fucking tired of using my brain all week. Going to Lolla will be my first REAL vacation from work/uni in over 2 and a half years. That's acc insane to me lmao. ANYWAYS!!!! 🗣️💥 I've already written like, 2 more chapters for this fic when I was in a mania-induced rage a few weeks ago lol, so I just need to find the time/motivation to edit those within the next few weeks. And I already have big plans for the rest of the chapters in this so... I'm excited. Now I just gotta find the willpower to ACC write my ideas 😜

🗡️ - ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛ other cool stuff ❜┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋread my rules & guidelines here! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋcheck out my skz masterlist! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋmy wip list! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ skz fic recs [sfw ver]! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋskz fic recs [nsfw ver]! :: 18+, MDNI! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋback to navigation! ࿐ྂ

ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴘᴏsᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ sɪᴛᴇs (ᴛʜɪs ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇs ᴛʀᴀɴsʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs). do not copy, spin-off, or write inspired work based off of this fanfic without full permission to do so. ©ʙʟᴏssᴏᴍᴡʀɪᴛᴇsᴛʜɪɴɢs ⤐ ᴀʟʟ ʀɪɢʜᴛs ʀᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ

̶﹒⊹﹒sɪɴᴄᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴀᴄǫᴜᴀɪɴᴛᴇᴅ,  ʏᴏᴜ sᴋɪᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴏʀеᴘʟᴀʏ ！،، 🌌  𖥻 𓂃 ʜᴇ ɢʀɪᴘs ʏᴏᴜ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇᴄᴋ  ᴀs ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʀеᴘᴀʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ sᴄʀᴇᴡᴇᴅ╰╮ 🌑

 To his utter surprise, Minho decided to attend Felix’s dorm party that weekend. The final decision shocked the rest of his friends too, who had grown accustomed to his home-body spirit. Because usually, every time they asked — more like begged — him to go to parties with the three of them, he always backed out of everything. His favorite excuses were being too exhausted from dance practice or not feeling good from studying so much. 

  “I actually cannot believe you’re going to this shit,” Chris said with a laugh that night. He was sprawled across Minho’s bed, one earbud in his ear as his head bobbed up and down to a beat he was mixing on his laptop. Meanwhile, Minho was scurrying across his room, slipping on a pair of socks and making sure he looked somewhat put together. But he didn’t want to seem too desperate to fit in either, since he knew that most of the people at the party would be young freshmen and sophomores. 

  He had decided — with a little bit of Chris’ help — on a pair of black sweats, and an oversized graphic tee from one of his favorite Korean bands. It was nothing out of the ordinary for him to wear, but just ‘normal’ enough for him to fit in with the crowd that night. 

  “Honestly, I’m kinda shocked that you’re not going too,” Minho said as he hurried to slip on his Converse.

  With that, Chris looked up from his flashing computer screen with a deep frown plastered across his face. “Do you really think I want to go to a party and watch as my little brother sticks his tongue down at least ten people's throats?” 

  Minho stopped fumbling with his shoelaces and looked up at Chris with a raised eyebrow. “He’s not actually gonna do that tonight, Chris.” 

  “You obviously don’t know my brother these days… the one that’s mature— at least in his eyes, anyway,” Chris started, tapping away at his computer keyboard again and cursing under his breath for a split second. “That little boy that you grew up with is completely gone, Min.” 

  For a few beats, there was utter silence in Minho’s bedroom after Chris’ statement. Then, Minho fit his wallet into his pants pocket and unhooked his phone from his charging port. 

  “Is that why you… don’t really spend a lot of time with him ever since he got to campus?” 

  Chris threw a long roll of his eyes towards Minho, “That, and the fact that I’m a little too old and tired to be fucking around with a bunch of young kids these days.” 

  “Felix isn’t a young kid, Chris. He’s a grown adult.” 

  Sighing heavily, Chris hoisted himself up and off of Minho’s bed, patting his shoulder in a rough way as he passed Minho on the way out of the bedroom. “We’ll see if you change your opinion on that after tonight.”

  And the entire time Minho made the short trek over to the freshman’s side of campus, he couldn’t get Chris’ words out of his head. They were stuck in the depths of his brain, playing over and over again. Because there was no way that Felix would be so badly changed from the last time he had spent a night with him during their childhood. 

  Sure, Minho had noticed a slight change when they had met in the campus gardens the day before, but it wasn’t… that bad. Not like anything Chris was describing.

  Even still, Minho could feel his entire body tense up as he got closer to the freshman dormitory. He could hear his heartbeat in the corners of his ears as he knocked on Felix’s door. He could sense his palms growing cold and clammy as the loud base of music thrummed underneath his feet. 

  Almost as quickly as he had knocked, someone opened the door. He had never seen the guy before, but he had purple-dyed hair and a dazzling white smile. Reaching out to Minho’s hand, the beautiful stranger yanked him in excitedly. 

  “Holy shit- you must be the famous Minho! I’ve heard so much about you!” The guy shouted over the music, closing the door behind Minho and leading the two of them into the nearby kitchen. “I’m Jisung, by the way.” 

  Without even having time to process the chaos that was the person in front of him, Minho’s hand was grabbed by Jisung and shaken thoroughly. “Uhm- nice to meet you, Jisung…” His voice trailed off as his mind carded through the slightly slurred words that had just fallen from the purple-haired man’s lips. “What do you mean by hearing so mu—”

  “Hey, Jisung! Stop being such a fucking weirdo and let the man breathe!” Someone off to their right shouted in an exasperated tone. 

  Minho turned and noticed a dark-haired figure bent over in the shadows of the kitchen. They raised their head from the counter, rubbing their nose and sneezing violently. Slowly, Minho’s eyes registered the small bit of white substance that was left behind and laid out on the kitchen counter in a neat line. The dude was fucking snorting cocaine. Just then, Minho’s focus turned to the rest of the kitchen’s counters, which were lined with a plethora of drinks, drugs, and other shit he didn’t even have names for. A random couple was making out in the background, the girl’s ass pressing down atop the counter as the man between her legs bit violet marks into the side of her neck. 

  Turning his eyes away from the couple, he watched as the cocaine-snorter sidled up to their sides. Slinging a lazy arm around Jisung’s neck, he pulled him in for a tight hug. “You must be Minho, huh?” He asked in a long drawl, the kind you only got with copious amounts of drugs and liquor flowing through your system. 

  “Y-Yeah… Felix invited me to this last minute, but I’m starting to think maybe coming was a bad idea…” Minho said in a quiet voice that was barely decipherable over the ear-piercing rap blasting throughout the entire dorm. Feeling suddenly uncomfortable under the two strangers' gazes, he fit his hands in his pockets, eyes darting around the kitchen for the closest exit. 

  “You’re a lot cuter in person than what I always imagined,” The guy holding onto Jisung said, stumbling over a bit and making Jisung laugh heartily. The guy had soft cheekbones but razor-sharp eyes. The kind that Minho felt were piercing into him and studying his very being with each second that passed. His jet-black hair was messy atop his head and slightly curled at the ends. “I’m Seungmin, by the way. But most of these fucks around here call me Doggy.” 

  Placing a hand on Seungmin’s chest lovingly, Jisung flashed Minho a sly kind of smile. “He can get you anything you want— just say the word, pay up, and he’ll have it in your hands by the end of the week…” Jisung’s words drifted off into the chaos around them as he studied Minho. 

  Minho felt like both of the young men in front of him were sidling him up — wondering, and guessing, why someone as plain and boring as him was connected to Lee Felix in some way. Minho could feel his palms growing sweatier by the second as he gripped the suffocating fabric of his pant pockets. 

  “So— what’s your weakness?” Seungmin slurred on, eyes growing dark as his gaze traced Minho’s form up and down in the kitchen’s dim lighting. “Fet? Coke? Meth—”

  Already starting to feel sick to his stomach by the topic of conversation, Minho held his hands up in a silent plea for him to stop. “Uhm— not really into that kinda shit.” 

  “What a shame… you’d be a pretty addict, for sure.” Jisung said in a flirtatious tone, biting the corner of his lip as he studied Minho.

  Slowly, Minho could feel himself caving inward. His shoulders dropping, and heartbeat turning into a low thrum, all he wanted to do was get out of the situation he was stuck in. “How do you guys know Felix? Are you both freshman too?” 

  Jisung burst out laughing at that, reaching towards the nearby kitchen counter and pouring himself a solo cup full of vodka. “You're kidding me, right? We’ve been Felix’s homies since our high school days.” 

  “And yes, if you must know— we’re freshman’s,” Seungmin said, rolling his eyes as he grabbed the solo cup from Jisung’s hand and took a long swig of it. Much to Jisung’s displeasure. “Why? What’s it to ya?” 

  Minho shrugged nonchalantly, trying to act like the entire atmosphere around them wasn’t making him extremely uncomfortable. “I was just making friendly conversation,” and before he could let either of the guys in front of him say anything more, he decided to remove himself from the situation entirely. “Actually, I think I’m gonna go try and find Felix…” 

  As he was walking away from the kitchen, he could hear the boys snickering behind him, with Jisung shouting in slurred words, “Good luck finding him if he’s getting his dick sucked in the bathroom!” Minho could hear the two guys laughing manically in the kitchen as he made his way into the rest of the dorm. 

  Immediately upon entering the living room, he remembered just how small the freshman’s living spaces were. The entire place was jammed packed full of bodies writhing and shaking. A space in the middle of the room had been cleared for a makeshift dance floor, so couples were grinding up on each other and making out to the sultry r&b coursing throughout the entire place. Bodies filled up every seat and sofa in the vicinity. 

  The entire room was dark with the curtains closed. That added to the smoky atmosphere, as people smoked cigs, vapes, and joints everywhere that Minho looked. It was hard to see through the haziness of everything, but eventually, he spotted Felix. 

  Felix was… 

  Sitting on one of the couches, 

  Busy making out with another guy.

  And just then, Minho couldn’t even understand the exact feelings he had upon such a discovery. It was a mix of surprise, queasiness, but also… something else too, which he dared not name. 

  He shoved everything down into a firm ball in the pit of his stomach, shuffling towards a nearby table and popping himself a cold bottle of soju. Taking a long swig from the chilled rim, he gradually shuffled his way through the dance floor over to where Felix was. 

  The younger man seemed to exude a certain kind of presence… captivating at least half of the room with his aura. Felix's energy was dark and smoky and… something so mysterious and foreign to Minho, he had no idea how to navigate all of it. 

  “Felix— hi,” Minho yelled over the loud music, waving towards Felix to catch his attention. There were a few other people squished onto the sofa where he was sitting, but all of them were focused on the tv screen which was flashing with an intense game of Super Smash Bros. 

  As soon as Felix’s focus was caught, he was pulling away from the other man’s lips. In the dimness of the room, Minho distinctly caught onto the way that messy strings of saliva parted from their lips, and how Felix’s mouth was puffy and swollen from kissing all night.

  Eyes brightening and pink freckled cheeks shading just a tiny bit, Felix shot up from his spot on the couch, fumbling his way over to Minho’s side. For a split second, Minho was able to gaze at Felix’s form — at the white skort he was wearing which was so short, half of his ass was exposed, and the baby-blue crop top that rose just above his belly button. A belly ring glinted in the sultry lighting of the room, along with all of the silver earrings, rings, and necklaces that adorned Felix’s milky-white skin. 

  “M-Min, oh my god, you made it!” Felix exclaimed happily, tugging on Minho’s wrist gently and leading him over to his spot on the couch. The man that he had been making out with only seconds before shuffled to the side, allowing room for Minho to sit down. Then, he grabbed Felix’s hips and sat him down on his lap. Felix let out a tiny giggle, snuggling his ass backward and earning a grunt from the guy underneath him. “I’m so happy to see you!” 

  Minho flashed him the best smile he could muster at that moment. What with being incredibly overstimulated by everything, and the shock of meeting some of Felix’s... choice friends, and seeing his best friend’s little brother making out viscerally at a party… 

  The night definitely wasn’t turning out as he had hoped, that was for sure. 

  “I met some of your friends, they’re uhm— interesting, to say the least,” Minho laughed awkwardly, carding a few shaking fingers through his hair. “I wasn’t expecting you to be… part of such a crowd, Lix.” 

  Felix shrugged the tiniest of bits, his eyes flicking away from Minho’s and focusing on the video game some of the others were playing. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Minho. Things have changed since the last time we hung out.” There was a weight to his words, they felt heavy on Minho's shoulders and weighed on his heart. Even still, he tried to push away those feelings and just live in the moment, without any worries or inhibitions 

  “That’s for sure…” 

  But Minho wasn’t really paying attention to anything else that Felix was saying, if he was saying anything at all. Because he was too busy watching the guy underneath Felix draw circles against his bare skin. Fingers skirting across his skin, the guy softly massaged the soft skin of his thighs, forcing gooseflesh to erupt to the surface. 

  “This is Renjun, by the way,” Felix said, cutting through the silence between them and breaking the trance Minho had fallen into. “He’s a… friend, of sorts.” 

  Renjun turned his face away from Felix’s body, taking a long drawl of a joint that Minho hadn’t even noticed was positioned between his fingers. “Yeah, ‘cause friends definitely stick their dicks in each other’s assess… that's just what friends do, right?” Renjun let out a loud cackle, the kind that would probably make Minho burst out into laughter too, if they were in a different situation. 

  Felix gave the man underneath him a deep frown before his eyes focused back on Minho. “I mean… if you’re truly friends— anything could happen, right?” Just then, he started moving again, hips circling just a little bit atop Renjun’s lap. Almost instantly, the dark-haired man was groaning out loud and clutching onto Felix's hips for dear life. And the entire time, Felix kept his gaze locked with Minho's, practically staring right into his soul.

  Minho was keenly aware of the dry saliva he swallowed down, trying to ignore the way his heart lept just a little bit in his chest at the sight of Felix grinding down against Renjun’s lap. Trying to ignore the way his pants grew just a tiny bit tighter at the sight of Felix flashing Renjun a playful, dim smirk. 

  “Renjun, stop fucking moaning, you’re ruining the vibes right now!” A silver-haired guy who was sitting in front of Minho said. He was part of the group that was focused on the tv, playing Smash like they were in a professional tournament or some shit. “I’m Jeongin, by the way, Lee Felix’s bestie since the sixth grade.” The silvered fox said, momentarily looking away from his game and flashing Minho a smile. 

  At that, Renjun let out a low chortle. “Too bad you weren’t close enough to fuck him, eh?”

  Minho’s attention darted from Jeongin’s face back to Renjun, examining the way his raven locks were somewhat disheveled— like they had been gripped pretty hard recently. 

  Gripped hard by… Felix. 

  Felix threw his hands up into the air, seeming to admit defeat. “What is it with everyone around here wanting to fuck me?!” He exclaimed- although he didn’t seem that upset by the prospect in the first place. Instead, he grabbed ahold of the joint Renjun was smoking and took a long drag of it. Blowing the smoke up in the air around him, Felix’s slightly hooded gaze zeroed back onto Minho. “It’s not like I’m that attractive— I only get the young people to fuck me.” 

  Minho shifted in his spot on the couch, feeling that floaty, twisted snake thrum through his veins. He stared down at his strawberry-flavored soju bottle, pretending to be fascinated with the label. When in actuality, he was doing everything in his power to avoid Felix’s stare. 

  “I mean, who wouldn’t wanna fuck you? You’re cute— you’re hot, you’re fun, and you’re a damn good bottom, too.” Renjun said in a deep voice, and through the reflection of the tv screen in front of them, Minho could make out the way he leaned down and pressed a feverish kiss to Felix’s exposed neck.

  Like a train wreck that you can’t stop watching, Minho couldn’t help but turn his head to watch Felix atop Renjun again. He was still dancing across his lap, doing so with a little more fervor this time. The compliments probably fueled his fire, Minho assumed. Felix was gradually beginning to wreak of a mix of weed, liquor, and the sweet scent of floral perfume. Yet in that moment, it was all too intoxicating for Minho. 

  Turning his head slowly, Felix ruffled Renjun’s locks playfully. “Awe thanks— I feel so flattered that you find me pretty, Renjunnie~” He cooed in a gentle voice, fingers skirting across Renjun’s round cheek with a caress. 

  “Well, I’m sure Minho sure doesn’t wanna fuck you.” Jeongin deadpanned, his voice cascading down around their small group. He was still focused on the game but bent his head backward a bit. Fox-like eyes studied Minho’s face in the smokiness of the room just then. And Jeongin’s lips cracked into a wide, Cheshire grin just as he turned back to the tv. “Actually, never mind— maybe he does.” 

  The entire time, Minho had been entirely too quiet. Letting everything play out, observing and judging silently. He was probably the oldest one in that room, and he could feel the significance of his grade year and maturity weighing down on his shoulders like a 200lb barbell. 

  He took a final swig of his soju, before tossing it into a nearby trashcan. “Honestly, I’m old enough to be his brother, so no— definitely not,” Minho said in a low tone, his throat constricting a tiny bit. 

  But it was just the alcohol, it was just the liquor that was getting to him. 

  And the weed in the air and the cigarettes and every other thing floating around him. It was the loud bass thrumming through the bottoms of his feet and it was the blaring disco ball that was flashing rainbow-colored shapes on the dance floor. 

  Yes, it was all of that… 

  And none of what Felix was doing beside him, or how Felix was looking at him or- 

  “I mean, yeah— a dancer and fashion designer together?? Fucking hell, it’d never work. Aren’t dancers always too tired to even get it up in the first place?” Renjun slurred his words just a tiny bit, as the weed no doubt flooded into his system. 

  “But I bet those hips don’t lie!” Jeongin shrieked with laughter, slapping his leg in happiness at their stupid jokes. 

  So suddenly, Minho realized why he was invited to the party in the first place. 

  He wasn’t included to have a good time, or because he was missed, or because people wanted to meet him. 

  No, he was invited to be the laughing stock of everyone there… 

  Hey guys- look! A stupid ass senior shimmying his way into a freshman party, look at how stupid he looks— 

  trying to hit on the hottest guy on campus.

   And the thinks that he has a fighting fucking chance when everyone else wants — and gets to have Felix — 

  But no , definitely not him, not ever. The brother’s best friend?? Felix would never stoop so low. 

  The energy shifted between Minho and the rest of them sitting there on the couch, freezing in place as soon as he shot up from his spot on the couch. Yanking out his phone from his pants pocket, the screen flashed with the time — one in the morning. He had been acting stupid, been the night’s entertainment, for more than three hours. And just as he realized the time, he noticed the eyes on him — how half of the room was watching him, with people hiding their smiles and laughs behind palms and solo cups and joints. 

  “I have class tomorrow, I should head out.” Is the only explanation he gave, not even affording Felix or the others another glance as he pulled away from the sofa and forced his way through the shaking bodies on the dance floor. And when Jisung and Seungmin called out to him from the kitchen as he passed them by, he gave them no attention. 

  The eyes on his back, which he could feel the entire way to the door, just about killed him. He felt like he was about to suffocate, his heart racing against his ribcage, pushing and pushing, just like he had been pushed all night by everyone. 

  And Felix was no better. 

  He was no better than everyone else because he was the one who had invited him in the first place. 

  So Minho was shocked, then, when he felt a small hand grab ahold of his wrist just as he was about to step into the elevator. To take him away from such a hellhole and such a depressing prison of losers. 

  “Minho— wait, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean—”

   Minho didn’t even turn around, couldn’t, in that moment. Instead, he let Felix hold onto him, let the feeling of his nimble fingers cascade through his system. Let Felix gradually move his hand until he was threading his fingers through Minho’s. 

  Just like they used to sometimes when they hung out together in their childhood. 

  When they were bored, and no one was around, and Chris was nowhere to be found and they could— 

  “It’s all my fault, I’m sorry— I was so fucking stupid for thinking—”

  “Why do you hang out with those people?” 

  Was all that Minho could manage to say, focusing his attention on the way Felix’s hand radiated warmth, how it lit up all the synapses of Minho’s body and kindled the dying fire inside of the deepest parts of him. 

  “They’re my friends, they’re not just ‘people’ to me.” 

  At that, Minho let out a dry laugh. The kind that had no humor in it and was completely sardonic. “What a great bunch of friends you got there, Lix…” 

  Minho regretted the moment he said the word, the moment he used the old nickname in such a cold, seething kind of way. Because as soon as it fell from his lips, the warm fingers wrapped around his were pulling away. 

  “I was nice enough to invite you, I was nice enough to let you into my life again— and you’ve decided to shit on it.” Minho still had his back turned on him, but he could imagine the look on Felix’s face then. If his low, venomous tone was anything to go off of. 

  Slowly, Minho turned around. He found his body moving on their own accord. And just like that, he was facing Felix again. Minho was studying his face and the way it was drained of all color. How there was nothing in his eyes then, but only heartbreak and barely-masked tears. 

  “I never asked to be let in, Felix,” Minho said, but the words came out as a whisper. Like if he spoke loud enough, someone from inside the party would hear them and come running out to take photos. Look, the campus's local desperate senior trying to coax the popular freshman into- “You know I didn’t. Not like this, never.” 

  Without even trying to, Minho could feel his body moving again. His hand reached up and caressed Felix’s cheek. Thumb smoothing across freckles and softness, brushing just underneath his long eyelashes. And for a moment, just like it was once again a dream, Felix leaned into it. Let himself go for but a mere breath, sighing into it. 

  He pressed his face a little closer to Minho’s hand, eyes fluttering shut only slightly. Cheeks heating up underneath Minho’s touch, Felix's gaze shot open again as soon as the thumb underneath his eye migrated to his mouth. Migrated to caressing his bottom lip. 

  “Don’t.” 

  Minho watched the single word escape past Felix’s lips, and instantly, the tension in the air between them broke and shattered. Like someone had taken a knife to his heart once more, tearing him apart by flesh and bone, his hand was dropping from Felix’s skin. 

  “Go back to the party so you can get fucked by Renjun.” 

  The statement was a double-edged sword, both of them knew. 

  The words registered in Felix’s mind and Minho watched as the disdain colored his energy again. Painting him in violent shades of crimson and lilac, Felix said nothing as Minho backed away and into the elevator. 

  Just before he was able to press the button inside to go down, Felix reached out and grabbed ahold of the elevator’s door. “Don’t you ever fucking come back around these parts, or I’ll-” He spit out in a wicked kind of way, the emotions swirling in his pupils. 

 “You’ll… what? Beat me up? You and I both know you’re not capable of that, Lixie…” Minho said, his tone winding around the crackling air between them. He flashed Felix one final smirk, before pushing the button to go down to the first floor. 

  The last thing he saw before the elevator doors closed was Felix’s face, the way his pretty red lips were pressed into a firm, displeased line. The way his eyes were hooded with a mix of rage and exasperation. 

  The last thing that Minho saw on Felix’s face that night was utter betrayal and contempt… 

  To be honest, it was just like the old days again… when Minho had told Felix he was leaving for university and they'd never be able to talk again...

  He had wished to travel back to their childhoods so much, 

  And like a blessing from the God’s, he had been afforded such a thing. 

  What a sweet memory to travel back to… Such sweet revenge to be gifted. 

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

🖤 taglist: want to be added onto my taglist? well then, comment below on this post/reblog it, and indicate your interest in my taglist and i'll add you... or, you can send me a msg and request to be added!! to be removed from the taglist, please send me a msg and i will promptly take you off of the list. 

🖤 tags: @sleepyleeji :: @if-spearb :: @hyunes4ngel :: @drhsthl :: @seosalad :: @toomuchtellyneck :: @endzii23:: @smally97 :: @ana-marais98 :: @sherryblossom :: @priincehoseok :: @biribarabiribbaem :: @/leyknxw :: @linovely :: @lolqxv :: @linonyang :: @morningstardada :: @taeriffic :: @day6andetcetera :: @hyuka-luvbot :: @linohumina :: @urmomma0324 :: @poisonivy2 :: @nappynapnaps :: @/annsunakai :: @bellamuerte1987 :: @julciaqwerty :: @abbiestearsricochet :: @leeknowsramen :: @maeleelee :: @cb97breathing :: @/wealwayskeepfighting :: @armystay89 :: @drhsthl :: @skzcollision :: @noellllslut :: @skz-streamer :: @hello-2-u-from-me :: @h0p3l3ssromantic :: @bangchanbighandsome :: @imastraykidsfan :: @feellikecinderella :: @hyundumpling :: @/weirdkoaladuck ::@hyunnieshannie :: @astralis-is-typing :: @ivyisnotokay

a red tag means that there was an error in tagging you. please check your settings for further information. 

[asordinaryppl]

A3! Main Story: Part 4 - Act 14: DREAM CATCHER - Episode 21: Brain And Brawn

Miyazaki: Well then, we shall take a twenty-minute break here.

Miyazaki: The first part was mostly focused on physical expression.

Miyazaki: Next, we will have you split into groups and discuss role-building based on the script you will be given.

Miyazaki: At the end, we will have all groups actually perform. I look forward to seeing the results.

Participant A: Agh~ This is too much…

Participant B: I’m so tired… And there’s more to go…

Participant A: I can’t keep myself standing anymore…

Kumon: Whew~ I worked up a sweat~!

Muku: This kinda reminds me of track and field club training.

Kumon: Same! It’s kinda nostalgic, so I’m having fun!

Muku: Banri-san did say that even though the directors' workshop he participated in was tough, the one for actors is much more physically demanding.

Kumon: We’ve got the stamina for it, I think we’ve got this!

Muku: Yup, let’s do our best! Kazu-kun and Tenma-kun must also be working hard abroad as we speak.

Kumon: Alriiight, we’re not losing to them~!

-

Muku: I was pretty confident in my physical stamina, but my legs won’t stop shaking now.

Kumon: I used up all my brain cells and got hungry~...

Muku: This really reminded me that acting needs you to use both your brain and your body to the fullest.

Kumon: Yeah. I think I’ll get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Muku: Definitely. Let’s review a bit of what we did today to prepare for tomorrow before we go to bed.

Kumon: You’re right!

Muku: By the way, Kyu-chan, you did amazing in the physical expressions for the first part.

Kumon: I’m good at using my body~ But, Muku, you were so good at the second part’s discussion for the role-building!

Kumon: You could point out things no one else had noticed, and I kept being like, “I see~”!

Muku: Ehehe, thanks. Let’s do our best tomorrow too.

Kumon: Yeah!

-

Juza: Welcome back.

Kumon: We’re back, Nii-chan!

Muku: We’re back, Ju-chan.

Juza: The food’s ready. Tsuzuru-san made simmered pork today.

Kumon: Yay! I’ll get lots of refills!

Juza: Also, I got chocolates from that shop we’ve been eyeing, if you wanna have dessert.

Muku: Really? I’m so happy. I think I used my head a bit too much, because I’ve been craving something sweet. I can’t wait!

Juza: Looks like you worked hard. Tell me about it later.

Kumon: Okay! We got tired, but it was fun!

Muku: We learned lots.

-

Kumon: Ah~ I’m beat~ Maybe practicing by myself after the workshop was a bit too much…

Kumon: But this has been a super intense week~ Muku being with me made reviewing much more helpful, so it felt pretty satisfying.

Kumon: All that’s left is to practice by myself whenever I can, and give everyone some whiplash with how much I’ve grown when they get back~!

Kumon: Owowow… Some thorough stretching and a good massage would be so good right about now…

[Phone vibrating]

Kumon: Oh, it’s Yamaguchi.

[Kumon picks up]

Kumon: Hello?

Yamaguchi: “Ah, is now a good time?”

Kumon: Yup! Something wrong?

Yamaguchi: “Nah, we’ve just both been busy and haven’t talked much, so I was wondering what you’re up to.”

Kumon: Listen to this~ I’ve been going to a workshop, and it’s so physically demanding that I’m beat. What about you?

Yamaguchi: “I’m using up all my juice on uni baseball practice. We have a bunch of consecutive matches lined up, so it’s gonna be rough.”

Kumon: I’ll give you a massage next time we hang!

Yamaguchi: “Oh yeah, you’re good at this stuff, aren’t ya Kumon? You read lots of books and had the coach teach you.”

Kumon: I learned how my body works and how to prevent injuries, it was really interesting and useful.

Yamaguchi: “Actors also have to move around a lot during performances, so it’s pretty tough for you all too, right? Wouldn’t it be a good idea to do this to your troupemates too?”

Yamaguchi: “You guys also exert your bodies, so this would be good to prevent injuries.”

Kumon: I see…! You’re right. I’ll look a lil more into massages for actors!

Yamaguchi: “Good luck. I’ll come see your next play too.”

Kumon: Good luck at your matches too, Yamaguchi!

previous episode | masterpost | next episode

[billy-cockblock]

I’ve been watching resident evil lore summary videos and some gameplay clips all day and have been mulling over my re venom au for a few days, and am gonna make just a brain dump of thoughts.

According to one video I watched, shadows of Rose takes place in 2037 (if I remember correctly), quite a while after previous games. Resident evil 2 takes place in 1998, and let’s say Leon’s 20 in that game. That would make Leon 59 during the events of shadows of Rose. That is older than my parents, and I can’t imagine anyone their age doing backflips to dodge chainsaws or doing parkour or getting tossed around by a BOW and being able to stand back up. So, I’m gonna screw with the timeline a little bit. And by that I mean I’m throwing it out the window.

So! Plot ideas: Leon’s in his mid-40s and is starting to feel the combined effects of age and a life of being BOW’s chew toy. He’s getting tired of life as an agent, being surrounded by so much death and destruction with no end in sight other than dying on a mission. He starts to bring up the topic of retirement, and his friends are supportive of the idea. Even Chris, who Leon’s sure plans on working until he dies. He starts to go through the process of filing paperwork, getting assigned to find people to replace him, and trying to think of what to do once he’s no longer an agent.

The government isn’t as big a supporter of him planning retirement. He’s one of their best men, he knows a whole bunch of extremely classified information, and if he wasn’t working for them anymore, he’d just be out in the world and much harder to control. Some higher ups do their best to slow down his retirement process as much as possible, but he’s Leon fucking Kennedy, he never stops until a job’s done (even if that job is quitting your job). They’re assigning him extra work, claiming it’s backlog that they want him to finish before he goes, assign him on smaller, more frequent missions so he has less time to process his retirement, and try to find a solution to the risk he’d be once he left.

One such mission he gets sent on, is to check up on one of Chris’s assignments. A motion alarm had been tripped at a lab, and they just needed him to go make sure there weren’t any intruders hiding where security cameras couldn’t see.

He’s known what the higher up had been doing for a while, but he wasn’t fighting them on it too much because he was kinda lost on what he wanted to do after. Fighting biological threats was all he’d really done and all he’d had time for, he didn’t know what direction to go after retirement. That’s why he agreed to go check out the small, off the radar lab, even though it was under Chris’ jurisdiction. Just an easy surveillance sweep of a probably-empty building to kill some time and get some thought on his next steps.

He finally makes it to the lab space of the building, it having been much more well protected than he thought it’d be. A cursory glance tells him no one’s there, but then he hears glass breaking behind the shelves in the middle of the room. He quietly walks around, until he sees a broken-open containment flask full of some kind of goo. The glass is covered in dark, drying, and clearly dead material, but emerging from the cracked-open center was a shifting blob, pulsing a faint red.

He tried to swat it away when it leapt at his face, but it clung to him like glue. It sunk into his skin, and his nerves were set alight.

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

lea my brain has stopped working and my throat hurts 😭 i wanna write but can't, the words won't come and i wanna cry ugly like an infant 🤧

oh nooooo! i hope you feel better soon! warm socks, scarf, some tea <3

you wanna know some of the things i do when i have writer's block?

i listen to music (i like classical but especially also for this because there aren’t any lyrics distracting your brain) and kinda meditate. look up at the sky through my window, go for a slow walk and stare at the little things. rest, recuperate, eat some good food, watch something comforting, reach out for help, talk to someone, do stuff that gives your brain lots of happy chemicals. also sleep… tired brains don’t often do well with words…

often for me when words doesn't wanna be wording it’s because i’m too tired or stressed from other things, so to me it’s a sign to take a break.

and when i wanna write and it’s just a little bit better but still not good, then i write in a little bit of a different way. i don’t write it as perfectly or fully word for word perfection on the first draft.

i have an outline, almost like a checklist (this i always have, but it’s especially helpful here) and then i go through and write as much or as little as i can for each little moment. often for me it’s only dialogue (because that’s a lot easier for me than the other stuff, comes more naturally) and then a short and messy note of what i wanna remember to include in the description, like if something is said in a certain way or something physical, or a vibe, then i write that inside brackets. and then i go back though however many times i need to fill it out and finish it up, usually like do that on other days so that the writing juice might get a chance to regenerate. does that make sense? idk if i described it well enough…

if you want a visual description:

(from outline about this part: alex has writer's block, lea tries to help then, but is also sleepy and falls asleep in the middle lol)

“do you think if i kissed you long enough the writer's block would go away?” (lea is like holding/hugging her from behind as she’s sitting in the desk chair, like chin resting on maybe the shoulder?)

“only one way to find out” (kinda like play along, say it in that way where you try and hold a straight face even though every fibre of your being wants to crack the biggest and fattest smile)

(then they snuggle on the couch a little bit, the cat wakes up from a nap and distracts them with her cuteness, they have a little convo with her before turning on gilmore girls and watching it the rest of the night, ordering pizza, all that jazz)

[suixidalthoughts]

Idk...

Saturday, March 9, 2024 11:41 pm

Hey, it’s me.  This is kinda ridiculous, but I have a lot on my mind.  I used to journal and it used to help.  I guess.  It’s been a while since I last journaled, as i’m terrible keeping a schedule.  Which is probably the root of a lot of my problems.  To be honest i’m not really sure where to start.  This has been my problem with journaling as i’m often way to critical, I start writing then delete because I feel stupid, then I never touch the journal again.

Honestly, I don’t know why it’s so hard to write my emotions down as I seem to have no issues constantly telling people how I feel.  Maybe it’s because I actually am forcing myself to think about what I’m saying and judging myself.  To help myself on where to start I looked up some journaling prompts online that are supposed to help me write what I feel.  So here it goes… I guess.

Whats the dominant emotion i’m feeling right now? 

The dominant emotion I’m feeling right now is sadness and emptiness.  I feel like I’m going absolutely nowhere with my life.  That I will never be anyone.  That I will ruin my relationship as I’m doing a pretty good job of it right now without meaning to.  That I will end up homeless, alone, sad and bored with my life.  I had trouble in school fitting in and being happy, but I was never prepared to be an adult.  I feel like I’m failing at life and it is all my fault.  I’m tired of life.  I’m tired of doing things.  I’m lazy, I barely work and I barely do things, yet I feel no energy to do those said things.  People tell me I’m not lazy, but I know full well that I am.   I feel empty because I have no idea what I want to do with my life I wasn’t even planning to live this long.  My boyfriend constantly doesn’t feel like he’s enough and it’s my fault because I constantly need the validation to feel even a little bit human.  I’m a horrible, selfish person.  I feel like I’m manipulative not on purpose or maybe on purpose I have no idea because I feel I have no grasp of my feelings or actions, but I do.  I don’t know how to get better.  I just messed up in life.

What do I think happened to trigger this emotion?

My boyfriend and I got into a fight and it was my fault.  I mean I was thinking all of this before it, but it got worse after he was upset that I was upset.  He said “I feel like I’m never enough for you.” “Maybe you should find someone else then” (or something like this)  Because I had said “I constantly need physical attention” (again maybe not exact, but that is what I remember)

When is the last time I felt truly happy? 

Honestly, I’m not 100 percent sure.  I mean I love being with My boyfriend he makes me mostly happy, but there are always the negative thoughts and feelings in my head.  Sometimes it’s too much to bear, especially lately.  

What makes me feel safe?

My boyfriend makes me feel safe.  Having hugs makes me feel safe.  

When do I feel the most down or off?

Anytime I have a lot of things to do or have a lot of things on my mind.  Which lately feels like all the time and it sucks because I just suck the fun out of everything.

What would I do right now if I knew I couldn’t fail? 

I would go to college to be a psychologist and a dancer.  

Whats one thing I need to let go of?

My birth mom, she will never be able to give me the love that I crave and need.  She will only make me feel more neglected in life.  I need to stop trying to fill that void it’s been going on long enough.  

Whats my greatest fear?

Not being perfect.  My brain never shutting up.  Me pushing everyone away just to end up alone and said.  Never being a mom. Never having a family.  

What am i feeling anxious about right now? 

Not having enough money to ever live on my own.  Not being a good girlfriend.  Being too selfish.  Needing too much from everyone.  Not being able to let go of toxic people.  Not knowing what emotions of mine are real.  What if they are all fake and I’m just feeling like this for attention?  And if I am just feeling this way for attention why am I doing this, what is the reason? I’m so confused.  I feel like everything I do is contradictory to myself.  I want to do everything and nothing.  I want to be hardworking, but I don’t want to do the work.  Why?  

I’m so tired of living,  it’s exhausting.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m too scared to die, but I think of it daily and I feel selfish because why am I thinking about it?  I have a wonderful boyfriend my life is better now than it has ever been.  I live in the most beautiful state.  His mom loves me.  My boyfriend loves me and I love him more than anything, but I feel like he’d be better off without me.  I feel like I’m not enough.  I can’t show him that he is enough I don’t know how.  He is.  I just have too high of expectations for anyone.  I feel immature.  Why do I have to be like this?

And no, I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself because I am not.  I know all of these feelings are my fault.  I just wish I wasn’t the way I was and I don’t know how to change.  Or maybe deep down I do know how, but I’m for some reason not willing to do the work to change.  

It’s taking everything in me right now to not cut myself right now.  I don’t know why I want to.  Maybe to shock myself into the present moment and to stop feeling sad.  Or too at least alieve some of the stress I’m feeling.   I know it’s messed up, but It’s what I used to do to cope with my feelings.  I know cutting is for the weak.  Suicide is for the weak and it’s selfish yadda yadda yadda.  These are just feelings I’m dumping.  Besides, I know if I cut myself my boyfriend. will put me in an insane asylum.  I really don’t want to go.  

My mental health isn’t just killing me.  It’s killing the people around me and I need to take myself out of the equation.  I can’t keep hurting people.  And I can’t keep living like this.  

[betzabobababi]

Who Would You Pick?

Hi Hi! I absolutley love this story. I kinda cried while writing it. Hope you like it! <3

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety/crying/flowers/chocolate/taking a bath/being insecure.

Type: Fluff (a little bit of angst?)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

AUTHORS POV

Not feeling like your normal self after a long day of work and then coming home and having to study you decided to do some self care. So you prepped the bathtub, lit some candles and played some relaxing music. But staying with your thoughts for a long time isn’t always the best. Especially since you had, had an an awfully tiring day. Your brain started to come up with fake scenarios. Some were pleasant, others not so much. One of those thoughts were if peter actually loved you. The rational part of your brain knew he did. But your brain was just tired and didn’t feel like being logical. So by default it started to add on to Does he really love me scenario. 

Peter’s POV

Grabbing my keys from my coat I opened the door and I immediately smelt the scent of your favorite candle burning. Oh how much I love her. I brought her some flowers and chocolate knowing she had a rough day and set them down on the table. And i found her standing in front of the mirror, hands gripping the side of the counter sink and head down, soft sniffles coming from her nose.

AUTHORS POV

“Hey hey, whats wrong?” Peter asks you clearly with that. He stands behind you and gives you a back hug and wrest his chin on your shoulder

“Oh hey, I didn't hear you get home. Im ok don't worry i just- uhm its just my anxiety getting the best of me.” You reply quickly trying to wipe away the remaining tears staining your face. With that you wriggle out out of his hug and walk out of the bathroom heading to the bed. After a few seconds peter came out of the bathroom and snuggles up besides you on the bed. 

Your thoughts and anxiety getting the best of you again you decide to ask peter what your brain kept bringing up. “Hey Pete?” you ask in a soft voice “Yes baby?” peter answers in the same soft tone you spoke in. “Lets say you are in a room with a bunch of girls…and-” 

“Do a party!” peter cut in “uhhm... I wasnt done, but all of these girls are pretty ok?” you say “okay, how pretty?” “actresses, models , singers, very very pretty, anyone you want.” you say hesitantly scared for his answer. Peter hums and put his hand on his chin pretending to think, to him he was joking. But to you it actually hurt, because what if he chose someone who wasn't you. Someone who would clearly be better than you. “Mmmm, You!” Surprised with his answer you say “Nono who would you pick? Be honest” 

“Honestly…a girl who is a model and a dancer. Who has a hot body also.” Trying to hide the obvious pain and attempting to stop the tears from starting once again you ask “who?” He says “I don't know her name but she always looks sexy…..wait wait lemme show you a picture of her.” Peter leaves your side walking into the kitchen and comes back with his phone in hand scrolling down on it. “hmmm…Aha! Here” Your boyfriend turns his phone so its facing you and you look at with with blurry eyes only to see its on selfie mode and the person he showed you was no one other than you. “But why don’t you know her name? You know….” You say now with a happier tone. “Well because I'm too busy looking at her, Y/n Y/l/n.” “Petey….I'm going to ask one more time, WHO WOULD YOU PICK!!!!” You say with a playful tone. “I’m not at the party.” 

“Y/n Y/l/n! Once again!” 

“And why me?”

“Wait wait baby, why would I be at a girls party?I don't need to go when I have you” Peter says starting to get why he found you in the bathroom crying, and why you were being so persistent on knowing who he would choose. He saw how you were proud to be his boyfriend. But he also saw the tears threatening to spill. So being the logical boyfriend he is he leaned in towards you and gave you a soft kiss which you returned with the same amount of love. Breaking the kiss he said “Y/n I love you and only you, not models, or actors, or even princesses. Because you, are my queen"

[thowawayuntilfurthernotice]

So, I finally watched Velma.

Before I go any further I just want to make something clear, no I’m not defending this show against criticism, nor am I trying to convince you that it’s some sort of hidden gem. I’ve watched all the episodes that have been released at the time of writing, and in all honesty, I think Velma is pretty mediocre. 

Not good, but nowhere near as bad as people are making it out to be. So, if you just wanted my honest thoughts about Velma, there you go, you can stop reading now, go back to whatever it is you’re currently doing. As for everyone else, get comfy, because this is gonna be a long post.

I wanna get the positives out of the way first, I genuinely like the show’s artstyle, in an era where every single “adult” cartoon has to look like Rick & Morty, this show stands out from the rest by having its own unique artstyle, that being said, Norville does look weird whenever he’s facing forward. But that’s a minor nitpick. 

Kinda wish the quality of the animation was a bit better though, but it’s an animated show made specifically for streaming, so the animation quality was always gonna be so-so.

As for the characters, I didn’t find them as unlikable or annoying as other people did - mostly because I never really had that much of a personal attachment to the Scooby gang to begin with - though if I had to pick a favorite I’d have to go with Norville, I find that his optimism and general good nature is a breath of fresh air, as I’m so sick of every modern adult animated series having every character be an unlikable asshole or a complete dumbass.  

Nevertheless I do agree that the “Look at how much of a loser Fred is!” jokes got old real quick, and I’m saying this as someone who doesn’t even like Fred. But those jokes weren’t bad enough to make me want to quit watching. 

As for the other jokes, they’re super hit and miss, I do feel like if the first two episodes just toned down the raunchy/”meta” jokes then the backlash wouldn’t have been so bad, because there were some jokes that made me chuckle, like Brenda’s funeral, Norville’s hair brained schemes to win Velma over, the school fighting tournament name being too long etc. But sadly, those types of jokes are few and far between. 

Oh, and the hallucination sequences are pretty cool. 

Now that we got the positives out the way, let’s talk about the negatives. I really don’t understand why this show needs a recap at the start of each episode. Did the showrunners think people were gonna watch the show out of order? Or did they do that because they were planning on airing the show on Adult Swim in the near future? Either way, it’s super annoying.

Also, I really hate how the show just awkwardly cuts to the end credits. I know Harley Quinn also did this, but it’s way more noticeable here. Almost like the end credits are trying to jump scare you to death. 

But I think my biggest issue with the series as a whole is its obsession with trying to be as “meta” as possible, it really got on my nerves, to the point where I legit wanted to yell out “I get it! You’re self aware.” 

Thing is, I don’t mind meta humor. Archer and American Dad are two great examples of how to properly implement meta humor into a sitcom narrative, but what makes those two shows work is that they’re not trying to impress the audience by showing how smart they are. 

Simply having the characters point out tired old cliches and tropes isn’t clever, it’s taking the easy way out. I honestly wouldn’t have minded this as much if Velma was the only character who was making “meta” references, but every single character does this. To the point where I was expecting someone to look directly at the camera and say “Are these self aware meta jokes doing anything for you?” 

Look, I get it, the reason why they’re doing this is because of Rick and Morty, a network executive most likely looked at the meta humor from that show and said “Do that for a Scooby Doo spin off aimed at adults.” 

If the show would just tone down the “We’re so meta” gimmick and put more effort into fleshing its characters and story out, then I honestly think it could be pretty decent. But as of this writing, it just feels like it’s struggling to find its own identity. 

Who knows, maybe the writing will get better down the line, but as of right now it’s a mess. 

Alright, time to talk about the “controversy” surrounding this show - because that’s all anyone wants to talk about - so here goes……

I don’t give a shit about any of this culture war nonsense, nor do I give a shit about these Twitter threads over analyzing every single joke, and I certainly don’t give a shit about Mindy Kaling or her political views, so why am I bringing any of this up? Because the discourse is annoying. 

It’s okay to just admit that you don’t like the show, or that you think it’s “cringe” or whatever, but all this discourse has become unbearable. You cannot go anywhere online without running into someone complaining about the show. It’s Ghostbusters 2016 all over again, and I’m just so tired. 

I’m tired of the internet latching onto a piece of media and creating never ending discourse about said media, I’m tired of seeing people who genuinely liked working on shows/movies get bullied and harassed. And I’m just tired of people being unwilling to say “Wow, this looks like shit” and moving on with their lives. 

Yes, no media should be immune to criticism, but going out of your way to ruin someone’s livelihood because they created or worked on something you hated just makes you an asshole who deserves no sympathy.

[the-firebird69]

Colossus "Be A Hero" Speech Scene | Deadpool (2016) Movie Clip HD 4K

It's like this all day long here with this guy he is an unstoppable a hole and of course we mean Dan Dave he won't stop with his crap his overseas and he goes through the streets and thinks he's the big man JC and tells everybody they're doomed and they go after him because they think that he has a program and they go after his people they think he has the program and he doesn't check and he's manic and he's maniacal and evil he has to leave. This video kinda shows it it's kinda like you know Jesus Christ OK people know about it and you say what's my name and actually Ben Arnold found out that he shot him and it was Tommy F trying to pick them up so he's gonna pay them both back but what he says is funny it's not hilarious but it is funny because he's saying it what's my name like his invincible and they shot JC and they shot Mary and it's not funny because people want the information and he's a **** and doesn't have any so there's a big difference in their **** for doing it and we need them out of here and we will use any kind of force necessary to stop them from harming him. Tommy Alpha is out there too and lost and they're mentally ill and when he does the video in LA high hopes panic at the disco he is making fun of our son and he's saying come on over here and walk up the side of the building and our son says I don't have your little Spears yet but yours are built in very poorly and he says this so what you never have anything in essence says you're right. I get by on bad Bo stupid jokes and baby fat. It means something so why don't you slow down and sucker. It slows down and says I don't care i'm king of the world I said You were and you know the max rat you in your screwed you're just like these **** **** you won't take no for an answer you won't have stuff to do things you won't decide to do what really y.... you won't decide to do what really you have to do and I'm sick of it I don't care what you went through so you could be a horrendous **** you're a horrendous **** to me you're going to fall off a building. So he started to look around and said I'm sitting here making fun of him he's not reacting now he is and I can't stand it. So he's up there making fun of people and you can see it's not his people in the band and they said this you threw off us off the building a lot of times at that restaurant in Sarasota and we're here to get you back you know snow I don't think so he says yeah I think so and he comes flying over the edge and died almost completely. So we have to keep that in mind we need the brain out but how are we gonna do it if he's dead so people are practicing with their brain they get a little bit of damage and they keep doing it and it's stupid. Yeah he's being sarcastic and sardonic and making fun of him and he is a stupid person he says it happened like this you made this car 'cause you saw and took a scan and a picture and people are going after you for that and we're finding out it's the max who took my design from will and Bill and that they are assassinating your people because your ships are not in their possession. You don't know You don't know who I am and you don't know what I am that's fine but you gotta stop ridiculing me like you're better than me when you have a war with the max and you need allies. And those people are tired of you killing them I guess. A sun laughed and he is sitting there weeping and he said we can't do it without killing people there's no way to justify it and he started thinking of what to do and he said this sina car might work and he tried to do it and he couldn't. That's what's happening these people are realizing they're weak and boy do they really need these it's coming up and it's not too far from now and he does that other video about Jason and they go after him too they say who are you to keep doing this stupid **** to us and then start fighting and Jason wants the ship to take bigger spheres and hurt it no he was doing it and there's a war that's brewing between them and getting them together and getting them together does not work. But we do have an idea. And it's about the scenic car

Thor Freya

We have an idea it is a nice idea and they're gonna roll on it we are starting up several companies that we are feeling orders by their higher ups we got a call today sort of it's a start and they had interest. They do this kind of thing a lot.

Frank Castle Hardcastle

It is a horrendous job and he cannot do it and he knows it it's not working they don't want to do anything and he's probably making it worse and doesn't know it and they won't stop doing their **** and we have to do it and we're going to order the car and we want to see the new design so frankly I think that they're designing it and they want to make a kit first and I agree

Michael tew

We had a couple of super cars john Remallard took them and he lost them to the max they taken all of it over and all the super cars we don't want that they do so have this one that's real dangerous to us but at least we'll have one this says they can design it and it'll be pretty close but he but he needs and designs and those are held in the CIA and he knows that William Bill scanned a better and they also can adjust they know how to do it I heard that too and from Max now but you did earlier he says ohh that's how I know that so we're going ahead and we're going to try and get that done.

ben arnold

we see it we work an good.  and they say it. need it now

alicia

stay with it.  need people not ogres or rlers wiht  ig moiths and ass stuff and infights.  we will try to calm this war...and with intel he says nd ok signal. and they must see it too ok

mac

nd we see y ou suspect it we do too

trump terry cc dave have alwasy

Ollympus

[44-docx]

15/04/24

I had a rough past few days. Two days ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Thank god my partner was there to help me. They held me and when I saw the look on their face I wouldn’t let myself dissociate. It hurt almost , in the weirdest way, and was so hard but I was able to. And so I didn’t record my food that day or the day after, but I felt okay about the food I ate. Today I feel as though I ate more than I should have and am having shame I dislike the feeling of but I’m reconciling with having put it in my mouth to begin with so I’m sitting with this feeling lol.

Breakfast 8:00

I had all of this. I was kinda nauseous halfway through then it dissipated and I finished. I got hungry an hour after and had this snack. I was studying and needed a pick me up, hence the red bull. I usually try to avoid caffeine but I’ve been TIRED all day :).

Lunch: 12:00

For lunch I had chicken and egg on rice. I added hot sauce and honey. I had that soup and picked out two dumplings and thre the rest out. Then I picked up this little bit my cafeteria was serving. I didn’t like the potato it had because ew it was soggy asf, so I just ate the smoked salmon instead. Didn’t really want it tbh but I ate it and regretted it in my mouth but I can’t spit it out in public like I would alone. Not gonna lie, spitting things out if I don’t like them is a new development that kinda keeps me true to eating only what I like and want. I don’t chew and spit, not something I have ever done! But having the ability to respect myself enough not to swallow something I hate is part of me trying to regulate what I eat. I got cereal for desert, again. I saved this muffin and picked at it for like 2 hrs as I tend to do while I work , it’s a bad habit because I feel like sugar helps me focus…. More on that at 3:30 lol. (Also I did not eat that banana)

3:30 “snack”

So I had this snack which I feel like was rather large. I had a handful of cashews, maybe more, a few bites of yogurt and an orange with a coffee with oat milk. That caffeine kicked me into being able to work again because I was honestly dissociating and was able to get a hold of it again! I’m getting really good at that and am really proud of myself. I started work and got a reasonable amount done and then I noticed my blood sugar dipping again. I am noticing that when my blood sugar feels low I feel out of breath and get super bad brain fog and am not able to work! (Big surprise wow I know) but as somebody who would force myself through work after barely eating I’m noticing just how productive I am when I actually eat - especially when I have sugar. So I got a slushes and oh my did that kick me into high gear lol.

Dinner: 8:00

I had this chicken burger and peeled off the extra bun parts because why do I need that much bread for such wimpy patties??? Like buy smaller buns if you’re gonna be that cheap? Anyways enough beef with my cafeteria. I had half the fries and a load of ranch and hot sauce with honey. It started to freak me out actually having the sauce about halfway through eating it, and then I was like okay let’s just see if we finished it. And then I did . And I’m trying to be neutral about that. I almost wanted more food but then I realized I didn’t want it I just wanted it because it was available and I would freak out if I ate more because I was already full and I should stop. Having unlimited food is really hard as someone who has binges, uncontrollable eating spells where I feel out of control regardless of how much I eat it feels compulsive because I’ve restricted for so long. Trying to recover with a cafeteria is hard lol. But… I stopped myself. I had cereal, I also got a little carrot cake but I realized I didn’t want it so I just ate the cereal. Actually eating the cereal did make me feel like I was pushing myself and made me consider P, but I did not. I’m fine and I’m full and that’s okay. It just feels like sooooo much food. Not being able to put anything back is also kinda ficked up to me because like , I will take something and have to throw it out, which I obviously don’t wanna do but I’ve grown comfortable doing as a part of my healing . Anyhow I’m looking at the carrot cake I smuggled out of there because I didn’t want it but wouldn’t throw out because I may want it later. I have an exam at 9 am so I expect I will be up late studying.

Taking photos of my food has been super freeing. I’m really happy that I started doing this. Throughout the day I have these thought about trying to calculate my food that I’ve had for years. Now being able to SEE what I eat is putting me at ease in a way I can’t quite explain. I feel a sense of freedom from it and I’m not trying to use it in a toxic way either which is nice that I don’t have that compulsion. I’m trying to focus on the fact that this food will fuel my brain for my exam tomorrow morning and and I’m trying to be happy for myself because I did a good job at studying today and avoiding dissociation - and regardless of my marks I think I’ve done a good job here preparing and that puts my anxiety at ease.

I’m on SLYND now which is a birth control. I’ve been taking it for two days now. It may cause weight gain but most people say it doesn’t which is a blessing omg. Keeping this food diary will help me make sure I’m not being adversely affected by the medication to eat more. And that gives me comfort because my last birth control I gained FORTY POUNDS. Omg I can’t even think about it it was so bad . Like with such bad body image it SUCKED. Really made my eating disorder worse for sure. But here I am trying to recover and mitigate the risks in a healthy way by monitoring my appetite and intake💪

Anyways, back to studying.

[cleaning-has-its-benefits]

So, for a fic that I’m writing I started taking some notes on blackspace and I remembered that on the wiki there were some alternative names listed for each area, taken from the files apparently (which now that I checked again, are how they are called on the wiki now! When did they change it?) So, I decided to analyze them (though speculate might be a better word cuz I don’t think Im the best at analyzing) and how they relate to their respective area and see if I could wrap around my head on the thinking process behind them, hopefully to get a better understanding on how blackspace works on a symbolic level, since I don’t want to turn blackspace into some generic creepy place, I want it to at least feel like I made an attempt in preserving what makes blackspace unique, you know?

After that, I thought it was maybe good enough to make it a post and someone might find this interesting, so I translated my notes and here they are (also I tidied them up and cut some stuff so you dont have to see me ramble so much). Maybe my perspective could be useful to someone else planning to write about blackspace, or just fun to read. Dunno. I’m the first to admit that some of these are a bit of a stretch but at least I hope it doesn’t make anyone’s eyes bleed. I included some of the other alternative listed names, but not all because I got tired and I found this was good enough for what I wanted to accomplish.

This is blackspace what we’re talking about so you can get an idea of what to expect: Mentions of a deteriorating mental health, depression, unhealthy coping mechanisms, dissociation, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, trauma and negative aspects of religion (kinda?), among others. Some of these are literally just mentioned but others are a bit more described.

1- Suspense (aka pain area)

Suspense is defined as ‘that which maintains the expectation over a resolution. The state of tension in a determined situation’ (all the definitions I quote here are at least according to the first site I found them at.) With this, I would say this area reflects Sunny’s uncertainty about his future, if he continues the lifestyle he has currently. Deep down, he knows what will be the end result of that: pain, even more pain than he already feels.

It’s other name, Static World, could be taken as ‘a world that doesn’t move, doesn’t change’, which fits with how Sunny’s small world is currently, but probably it refers to the static seen in the background of this place. Since static is caused by a bad signal, this could refer to how Sunny, sinking into his depression and misery, loses contact with how vast the world is truly, with the good things and the opportunities he still has, and he thinks all there is is pain. Basically, it is related to how depression and a bad mental health can ‘cloud your vision’, so to say.

2- Subconscious spill (aka disco area)

‘Spill’ makes me think of excess or lack of care, while the subconscious can be defined as ‘that information stored in the brain which is of hard access, like a suppressed wish or trauma, and which the conscience doesn’t want to remember,’ but in this case I would associate the subconscious with blackspace itself.

With this, I think this name refers to blackspace’s advancement, slowly getting closer to headspace, as well as the deterioration of this one. At some point, headspace will stop functioning and everything there is in blackspace will reach Sunny, demanding to be heard, acknowledged. One day those feelings Sunny represses will ‘spill’ and Sunny will be forced to face them, wants it or not, ready or not.

The chaotic graphics of this area could reflect this state of being ‘overwhelmed’, but I think the visuals are a bit of an answer from headspace about this issue, Sunny’s coping mechanism becoming more extreme to keep in distracted, flooding his senses with colors and sounds to the point he can’t concentrate in any thought, no matter how much said thought keeps ‘yelling’.

3- Looping black field (aka scribble area)

I find this name sorta self-explanatory. It a looping and black place, though it catches my attention that this place is called a ‘field’, considering it looks more like a black void than any sort of field.

At least to me, a field sounds like a peaceful place, serene, a place where to lay down on the grass, relax and look at the world go on without you, or maybe forget about the world. This area contrasts with the last one. While that one was an overwhelming chaos, I think this one circles around numbness, which for Sunny, in comparison to being overwhelmed by guilt and fear, must feel close enough to peace. Maybe this place could also be associated with dissociation. It is almost empty, lonely, dark, there are stick figures that seem to decay, but Sunny calls it a field, or rather, he pretends it is a pleasant field. Even if it is a lonely place, it is a pleasant loneliness, or close enough to that.

4-Neighborhood (aka town area)

This name is also pretty straightforward, this area is a suburban neighborhood. Maybe the name is purposely generic. It’s not Faraway town, just some suburban town, purposely taking away it’s identity. The word ‘neighborhood’ makes me think of belonging and community, things that I doubt Sunny thinks he has anymore. After being shut away so long, maybe he feels like he isn’t a part of the town anymore, or feels like he has lost his bonds with it. It’s not Faraway, his hometown, just some ‘neighborhood’ his safe haven happens to be at, and this statement will be twice as true once he moves out to a new place, specially if he doesn’t make an attempt in reconnecting with the real world. His neighborhood feels more like a place that he can look at but not reach.

5-Forest of stumps (aka backyard area)

A forest of stumps makes me think of deforestation, a place that once was thriving with life, healthy, that has been devastated and now all that’s left are it’s remains, the proof or memory of what it once was. I think this describes pretty well how Sunny’s house is currently. Before it was a place where the group of friends often spent time, a noisy place, the noise of children playing, lively, but now it’s a place silent and empty (more so the closer the moving day gets and the place is emptied of everything), a shadow of what it used to be. The same could be said about the backyard, once a place where children played, now the place where a tragic death took place, the proof still there of both of these things (the toys and the stump.) Out of all the rooms of bs1, this is the one that references ‘the truth’ more than any.

6- Cat dissection (aka punishment area)

Another straightforward name. In general I think this room represents Sunny’s intrusive thoughts, specifically the ones relating to Mewo. Intrusive thoughts when having pets are a really nasty thing to deal with (well, it’s a nasty thing in general to deal with), and since Sunny already caused harm to a dear one when he never meant to, I bet they must be even more distressing for him. So, this room can be associated with Sunny being afraid of himself and the dread he feels at the further harm he could, in theory, cause (though in practice I really doubt he ever did anything to Mewo.)

7-Watermelon path (aka watermelon area)

Maybe I should stop mentioning how straightforward some of these names, since a lot of them are like that. Okay then, this name focuses on the watermelons, which here are empty of any objects they would normally contain, a reference to how ‘this path’ (continuing living in headspace) can only bring him empty rewards which at the end will culminate in Basil’s death? If Sunny truly wants to help Basil in a way that matters, rescuing him in headspace won’t be of any use.

Speaking of Basil, this is the place you find him for the first time, and while I don’t feel like finding what each of his deaths represents, I would like to make note, since this is the only obligatory death you have to see (if I remember well) of how this death is a bit different than the others, because Omori (so, the player) directly causes it with his actions by interacting with the watermelons, while the rest are caused by inaction, rather: Omori doesn’t help Basil get rid of the spiders, neither when he’s trapped in the elevator nor when the friends attack him. The death in the raft is vague and at the church is another exception, but I won’t get into detail about that.

8-Scribble (aka beach area)

In this room there are the photos that Sunny scribbled over. I think he did so because it was too painful for him to see the photographs of a reality that didn’t exist anymore and wouldn’t ever again. Mari was dead and the group would never be whole again. It was painful for him to confront the truth that the life he knew was over and that his childhood was left behind. It was painful for him to see his friends so happy and carefree of back then, in contrast of how hurt and destroyed they were now.

Maybe this is the last mandatory area because this was the moment when it truly hit Sunny that this life stage of his, his childhood, was over and he would never get it back… and this was the moment he choose to reject this new reality, ‘cutting ties’ with how his friends truly were, with their pain and all, and eventually he would go with the hs friends, happy and simple, nothing about the complicate grief.

Then there’s the other name, pink beach. Pink is a color that can represent things like innocence, while the beach makes me think of summer vacation, so this name could be related to ‘the good times’, the happy, carefree childhood, going to the beach to play with the friends, back when life was fun, so it fits well with what I said earlier. These photographs were the last contact Sunny had with that life.

9- Spider forest (aka spider area)

First optional area, a forest with spider. Spiders are one of Sunny’s phobias, while forest could be associated with familiarity, home, the forests of the suburbs he lived his happiest days. Then this room could represent the corruption of those places? Like, that which once was familiar and pleasant is now infested with fears? That fits pretty well in each night segment in the real world, when he hallucinates his house changing to torment him with one of his phobias (with a bit of the truth sparkled in!)

10- Safe spot (aka rain area)

This name stands out, among all the other names, which generally entail negative things. This room reminds me of the Vast forest, the grass has a similar color, and it also has the same music. My first impression here is that this was a forest that had been burned down, or in general a place that has been destroyed, all the trees (seemingly) dead and the ground barren, but with the calm music and the light rain… it gives the impression that this place is recovering from whatever happened, or that at least there’s something growing from the remains. The patches of grass look pretty lively, and there are a few flowers around, some rather fantasy-like.

With this, I think this name relates to the most benign side of headspace. Before it became harmful, headspace was truly a ‘safe spot’ for Sunny, a place where to find comfort and normality, a reprieve from his new reality so painful and confusing and solitary, specially when not having any real help or answer on how to deal with all of that. The days after Mari’s death and the separation of the group must’ve been really hard. Sunny’s life had been destroyed , ravaged, and that the place he was at when he created headspace. This is why the dead trees in this room are brown, like a real tree, to reflect this, while the other plants look more like they belong in headspace. Mari?’s dialogue can be associated with this too (as well as her fate being a warning of what will happen if Sunny ‘expands his mind’ too much), and the lamppost here might be a reference to headspace being ‘a light in the darkness.’ Basically, this room is about the beginnings of headspace.

11- Meat room (aka faceless area)

A meat room makes me think of a slaughterhouse. To get meat, an animal must be killed, and then the meat will be used as food, and food is necessary for a person to live. Taking in account that here is where ‘the mannequins’ can be found, I think this name can be associated to how headspace ‘butchers’ the memory of Sunny’s friends, so to create the hs friends, which are molded however it finds fitting to Sunny’s wishes, turned into caricatures, with little regard to how their personality actually are. At the same time, these friends are used to ‘sustain’ Sunny, to keep him sane, make loneliness more bearable, that’s how Sunny has kept himself alive when guilt and depression were getting a hold of him. The message of ‘kill me’ in the background could be related to that, it is easy to miss with all the friends walking around, they ‘distract’ from it, so to say.

12- Construction in the lake

I have no fucking idea. In my notes I keep rambling but I didn’t reach a good conclusion, so I’ll spare you all that text (and that also means I have to translate less!) For now, I’ll take this room as an example of how blackspace can exaggerate things. The closest think I think of about ‘a construction in the lake’ is the statue from which Sunny fell and from where his phobis originated from, as well as the place Mari saved him, and was so relieved of having saved him that she cried. So, this room represents the statue at the lake, but very exaggerated: the lake becomes a flooding, judging by the streetlamps at the background (a disaster then?) while the statue becomes… some sort of construction site? Well, at least is much taller than the actual statue, surely to reflect that Sunny’s memory isn’t perfect and that he could have the impression the statue was much taller than it actually was. And the shape is similar if you squint.

The other name, nighttime treehouse, could be a reference to the neighbor's room, ‘Sunny’s most precious room’, which is based on the treehouse and which he visits at night, or at least it is in a place that’s always at night. Still I’m not sure about the symbolism, but at least the text of the objects inside the treehouse in this room give me a sense of desperation, with how they are a single word every time. It makes me imagine Sunny desperately searching among the confusion for… anything that he has left. Also, there’s a bit of a sense of desolation, with the objects that have the word ‘fun’ also having the word ‘gone.’

Soooo, maybe this place is related to Sunny’s attempt at ‘rebuilding’ after/among the disaster?

(hey, now this section is way more tidy and conclusive than my notes, yay!)

13- Fish out of water (aka fishbowl area)

Not much to say, this is pretty easy to understand. Sunny feels like a fish out of water, specially if comparing himself to other ‘normal’ boys his age, how he is supposed to be if he was normal, how he could have been if nothing had happened. Probably Sunny doesn’t feel that much like a teenager, or like a person even.

14-Basil’s raft path (aka raft area)

for this one my notes are also messy as hell so I’ll try to condense them.

Two main elements to have in mind: Basil and the raft. Starting with the raft, it is a very simple thing, can be hand-made relatively easily and in calm water it does it’s job perfectly fine. A raft makes me think of a survivor from a shipwreckage, stuck on an island, making a raft to get out of their predicament. This is about movies and stuff, because I really doubt in reality the raft that’s shown in this area, which doesn’t have a sail nor any way to control it, would be ideal to traverse the ocean, much less if the ocean gets stormy. That’s just bound to end in tragedy.

The hs Basil found in this area is, together with the one at the church in Sunny’s route, the most aware of all the hs Basils. He hides to keep himself save until Omori arrives (showing some level of independence), he points out that Omori is ‘acting cold’ (showing he’s observant), and is very probable what he tried to say was something related to the truth. For this, I could say this Basil is pretty far from the standard hs Basil… maybe even closer to rw Basil, as close as a hs Basil can get.

With this, I believe ‘Basil’s raft’ is related to how Basil and Sunny’s relationship was after the incident and before Sunny became a shut in, and the support that Basil tried to give to Sunny, and just a reference to their state in general. They kept ‘afloat’, if on a bare-bones foundation, relying on their own means, however they could manage. No one could give them the help they needed, because only they knew what had truly happened, so they were by themselves.

Then we have their clashing opinions regarding how to handle the truth business: Basil seemed to want to talk about it with Sunny, but Sunny wanted to pretend nothing happened. Even if Basil was the only source of ‘honest’ comfort Sunny had (I say honest because Basil wanted to stay by his side even after what Sunny had done, while other people that could have tried to offer comfort didn’t know, so Sunny would keep thinking they would change their mind immediately if they knew), both these clashing opinions and the already conflicting feelings Sunny had regarding Basil… well, although the raft was in a river, rivers eventually can lead to the ocean, and neither of them did good in water.

15-Twoside (aka mirror area)

probably this refers to the whole Sunny&Omori business. This is the inability of Sunny accepting himself for who he is, both his positive traits as well as the negative ones, both the little brother and the murderer. Now that I think about it, since Sunny has surely a hard time thinking anything positive about himself with all that self-hatred, as well as coming-to-terms with what he did, it makes sense he decided to be nothing, then.

16-Time (aka bed area)

out of all the rooms, I think this is the easiest to understand. This one can either be keeping count of how much time Sunny has spent rotting in his bed, or the time he has left before moving away. Or both. Why not.

17- Incubation (aka reef area)

Personally, I find this room to be the most disturbing out of bs1. I t makes me think of a lab really ethically-questionable. Brings me memories from the plague dogs, so surely that why it irks me so much. I think this relates to how the hs friends are artificial, ‘lab made’, so artificial you can get as many copies as you want, carefully researched to be ideal for Sunny’s haven. Replaceable. Kinda ironic, considering how much Sunny values his friends. Surely in real life he must think he could never have different friends and the idea of making new friends must be foreign to him, if he doesn’t outright reject it. He could never replace his friends. In headspace though, he has done so many times, and it could even be said that the hs friends are already more of a replacement than just ‘reliving the good times.’

18-Neighbor playground (aka neighbor area)

Generally, the word neighbor can be associated to Kel, Hero and Aubrey. This is the only room of bs1 where the friends show some level of conscience, at least comparing them to the mannequins, though their dialogue is… unnatural. Like they are reciting, and they know those lines are the ‘greeting’, but they don’t remember the order. Are they defective? Or maybe corrupt is a more accurate word.

A playground is a place where children play at. It also could be refering to the playground of headspace, that could be considered the ‘home’ of all the hs gang. After each adventure, they eventually go back there. It makes sense this place is at the center of hs, since that’s what its bases are: games, adventures, having fun. This is accentuated even more in the hikikomori route, with ‘Playing forever’, music exclusive of this route, a tune that leaves it pretty clear that this idea of Sunny playing forever in his mind isn’t anything good.

One of the hard truths that Sunny must accept is that he isn’t a child anymore and he cannot spend his days simply playing. To keep pretending, to keep latching onto the old times that are gone only will cause him even more harm.

This idea of harm can be related to how aggressive the friends are here. The hs friends in general have become harmful, and maybe the failed attempt of these ones to welcome Omori is a demonstration that Sunny cannot connect with them meaningfully. Sunny needs a real connection, thing that the hs friends, for as much as they are fabricated to Sunny’s idealization, they can’t give him that. Actually, maybe that’s exactly why they can’t, because relationships are two-ways streets, and his real friends aren’t perfect nor their lives circle around Sunny 24/7. The hs friends never encourage Sunny to improve at anything nor make any effort in anything nor learn to solve problems that may arise nor learn to compromise or communicate. They don’t have their own hobbies nor aspirations on their own and much less do they change. The longer Sunny stays with them, the more damaged his ability to form relationships with actual people deteriorates.

Another interpretation to ‘neighbor’ is to imply something belonging to someone else, something that can be lent, but that isn’t owned. ‘Someone else’s playground.’ Headspace itself is someone else’s playground, and that ‘someone else’ is Sunny from the past, a time where he was an innocent child that could spend all day playing with his friends, because that’s what children do. The Sunny from the present isn’t that person, nor this ‘playground’ is his place anymore, no matter how much he wants to go back nor how much he pretends through Omori that he’s still that child. Accepting this is hard and painful, but is the only way he can make a place in the world where he fits as he is, and above all that adapts to his actual needs. Letting go is the way Sunny can start looking for what he truly needs.

19-Temple (aka church of something)

Temple is defined as ‘edification used for religious worship of a god or gods.’ It is specifically about a physical place, while ‘church’ has more meanings. Speaking of church, that was the place where Sunny saw Mari for the last time, where he was meant to say goodbye forever… but he didn’t, considering one of his conflicts is that he has to accept Mari is gone.

I’m gonna make an exception with this room and also analyze it’s more well-known name, since I find it interesting. Like I said, ‘church’ can have various meanings, for example, at least in christianity, it can refer to the christian community as a whole. Then maybe it could be considered a synonymous with religion, ‘religion of something’ , then. A religion is meant to tell you how to live, what values to have and what’s good and bad, right? Among other things, sure, but I’ll focus on that first one.

Maybe is a bit of an stretch, but maybe ‘church of something’ could be related to how Sunny’s life was torn to shreds after the incident, or more specifically, how ‘something’, the trauma, now dictates every aspect of his life, his choices, his self and his relationships, or lack of. His day-to-day is heavily influenced by fear and guilt. Even headspace, purposely meant to keep any reminder of what happened at bay, wouldn’t exist, at least in its current form, if it wasn’t for the trauma. Whitespace, headspace, blackspace, redspace, reality, everything in Sunny’s life is influenced by his trauma. How does the ‘church of something’ tell him to live like? Running away, is the only way to get some reprieve from the pain. What kind of person must he be? Omori, because is the only way he can live with himself. Overall, this goes with the most negative aspects of religion.

He can let his fear influence his choices, too, such as when Kel knocks on the door. Sunny wants to be with his friends, that has never changed, it is what he wants more than anything in the world, and here he has a friend, right behind some wood, but his fear, of confronting his friends are different people, of comparing himself to how they have changed when he hasn’t and gaining perspective of how truly fucked up he is, can prevent him from reaching out.

Obviously Sunny doesn’t ‘worship’ something, but is not like he can simply one day just go and say he won’t let these things have a hold of his life anymore. It takes work, and this is the room where the ‘internal work’ that Sunny has done, so to say, manifest, or the lack of it condemns him. Here, is where he either sets on the path to keep living by how ‘something’ dictates it, or defy it and eventually have a chance at letting Mari’s memory rest in peace, together with the childhood and innocence she represented, things that Sunny doesn’t have anymore, but by letting go of what he doesn’t have, he can rediscover what he still has, the kind of person he is: someone creative, quiet, good at listening, someone who can make a positive difference in the community (going with the universally loved route) and which, overall, is much more than his trauma.

I kinda think I could have worded all that better and that I may have gone off the rails, but Im tired. forgive me. why is this nearly 5k words.

To finish this, here’s a summary:

1-suspense/static world: sunny’s dread for a future filled with pain. Sunny’s vision of the world being clouded by his misery, where he can only see pain.

2-subconscious spill: sunny’s overwhelming feelings eventually reaching him. Sunny becoming even more dependent of his coping mechanism, to an extreme point where he loses control.

3-looping black field: numbness, dissociation. Sunny’s act of imagining he’s in a better place than he actually is.

4-neighborhood: lack of belonging and community.

5-forest of stumps: the aftermath of mari’s death. Sunny’s home being a shadow of what it used to be.

6-cat dissection: sunny’s intrusive thoughts. Sunny being afraid of himself and the damage he could cause, even if he doesn’t mean to.

7-watermelon path: a warning that if sunny keeps chasing after empty quest/goals in headspace, he will fail at doing what actually matters.

8-scribble/pink beach: sunny rejecting the reality that the good times of childhood are gone.

9-spider forest: what was once familiar, home, is now nightmarish, infested with fears.

10-safe spot: headspace beginnings, when it had a more benign purpose and gave reprieve and to sunny when he couldn’t find it anywhere.

11-meat room: the friend’s personalities are butchered to create the hs friends.

12-Construction at the lake: Sunny desperate attempt at building a sense of normality after the disaster.

13-fish out of water: Sunny feeling that he doesn’t belong in his own world, or that he’s even a person.

14-Basil’s raft path. How sunny and basil’s relationship was like after the incident, comparable to a make-shift raft. Basil’s attempt at offering comfort to sunny.

15-twoside: sunny’s inability to accept himself for who he is, the good and the bad.

16-time: sunny’s dread for the past of time.

17-incubation: how sunny has replaced his friends with artificial copies.

18- neighbor playground: how the hs friends damage sunny’s ability to form relationships with real people. In general, Sunny’s latching onto a reality that doesn’t exist anymore.

19-temple: how trauma has affected every aspect of sunny’s life.

[mocha000]

So good ahh! Thank you!

I love the introduction. It feels a little like you were breaking the fourth wall since you mentioned that hobi missed the train in a different version before (right?). "His throat feels like it’s still swelling a little." I like this section since it's so tense and descriptive. I can kinda visualize it. "You’re wearing his sweatshirt and Yoongi’s jacket." Cute TT "(Don’t you know how rare good is for people like us? Don’t you want to hold onto it?)" Oof. "The last one in is the first one out. Hoseok knows you think this because he used to think that way too." They're so similar :( "Hoseok doesn’t like to cry- it’s too much like begging. His body asking for what he can’t." Relatable.

"Hoseok cups your cheek, long fingers rubbing your tears away. The pads of his fingers cradling your cheek. Soft skin, your cheeks have always been so soft." Aww. "I can't let you go." :( "There is one scar at the bottom of your hand and the bottom of his; a line across his right palm and a line across your left one- both gotten the night that you tried to take the train." "You’ve made your choice and Hoseok makes his. “Either together or not at all.” Damn their love story is so good omg.

"Your voice is so small and quiet, your palm in his tightens just a little bit. “How do I? How do I get out?" :( "How do you treasure the space between one motion ending and the other beginning? The end of one place and time and the beginning of another. " This was so good. I can't think of this from the "mind the gap". Big brain Li omg.

"Jimin falls into a squat the second he sees you. Head in his hands. Running through his hair and tugging. A cigarette discarded on the concrete bouncing before it rolls to a stop and burns." Hot. And here we go with Yoongi ahh. Scary. “I didn’t expect you to fucking leave me either but here we fucking are.” This one hit.

“You know- I’ve never wondered if you need me, but sometimes I wonder if you love me at all.” “I know you don’t love me the way that I love you- I’m not that dumb, but-" Noo, that's not true right?? Or exaggerated? :( “Five? Ten? Sweetheart- I'd last 5 minutes without you and you won't even look at me long enough to apologize and you don't make it easy- I don't-" This one also hit really hard. The last half ahh :(

"He doesn’t want your touch- the touch of someone who hurt him. This is the first time that Yoongi has denied you something so simple, something so habitual as your arms around his shoulders." Noo :( "Aren't you guys going to yell at me too?" Jungkook snorts, and when you pull back to look at his face, he doesn't look angry, he doesn't even look tired." "What I am gonna do is make you go work out with me. I'm gonna make you do like- so many burpees in punishment for making me run that early in the morning." Good old Jk loll

"The pervasive sound of wrenching can be heard echoing out into the porch, and a look inside says that Namjoon’s got a hand on Yoongi's back where he's bent over the sink" Noo poor Yoongi :/ "Willing to trade little 'I'm sorries' and the barest attempt at teasing after you'd gotten up to get a glass of water and they'd all flinched." :/

"Would it make you feel better if you put me in handcuffs?" "Only if they're the fuzzy ones." Lol The bunny drawing on the list lol (thought of you on my second read for this review lol) "You hear it differently than you did before; a cross between a snake's hiss and the purr of some dark-furred jungle cat." Ooh that sounds interesting.

“I think you’ll want to be patient for this alpha- or should I say omega.” Damn! What a starting line wow. "How about Minnie and mommy?”  How tf does Moonbyul know this? I wasn't expecting her to come to the pack house for negotiations wth?! "It’s a Sunday, isn’t it?" Ooh good paragraph. Jimin smoking is hot.

"But when you’re not watching- Yoongi watches you. Tensing with every step you take in the direction of the door, heaving a thankful sigh whenever you pass by it." Aww all the lines of him worrying about her is too cute.

"Even Namjoon's subtle agreement as he does the dishes makes Yoongi feel...Not better...but maybe a little less angry." Ooh ok. "You watch the pack put on the air of royalty." This section is interesting. “Cousin!” she starts, splaying her hands like she’s about to go in for a hug but Yoongi does not smile, Yoongi does nothing but glare at her until her smile and her hands both drop." Lol

"How stupid of him to think he was ready- that seeing her face after all these years wouldn’t hurt- that the fear wouldn’t be there- his breath hitches and-" Noo :(

"Before anything more can happen- before any jabs or warnings can be exchanged, a grey mass skitters across the floor. As quick as a bullet and twice as violent. Out for blood and the bringer of death." Go Noodle! Good job on biting her! SHES SO EVIL TO KICK HIM WTF?! Yoongi's threat is so perfect lol

"Moonbyul grins, “is it?” she drags a sharp nail over a groove in the table. A spot where a bullet or maybe a knife grazed it, probably from the last few days. " Scary. This bitch >:/ “Some would consider the very act of possessing something that’s mine violence and you have two things that belong to me.” Eww. "I don't log in every 36 hours, an email will be sent with pictures of her recipe book to the director of the FBI, and you'll go down for it." Ooh nice! I'm happy to see Jin's role in the FBI paying off here.

"Moonbyul goes quiet and for the first time but you know you have her backed into a corner with this." Yay! "“You’d let them do this for what? One female alpha to the other?” Moonbyul’s eyes are too empty for her to be totally honest." DISGUSTING! "“Sure they are. You chose to become a woman rather than stay a man because you liked the set of qualities your life could have as a woman better. That's no different from me choosing to be an alpha over an omega because it gave my pack and me the most security.” Oh fuck off omg.

“I’d still laser off your fingerprints if I were you.” Jimin is already planning on it." Ooh I didn't think about that. "“There is something in you that’s hungry pup- hungry for more than they can give you. And when they realize that- when they realize that you’re more like me than like Tae- Don’t worry, I’ll be waiting for when you decide that this is not enough.” Wth?? You are way worse than mc omg.

“You weren’t the first.” What?! I guess that makes sense but damn. "Closure escapes him, just out of his fingers." :( And it's over wow. After all that stress, this "ending" feels a little weak but it's good.

"the very fist part of this chapter where hoseok and her are on the train was a part that i liked until final edits and then it felt??? idk??? clunky??? maybe a bit repetitive???? idk what it is and it's way too late to fix it T-T" Huhh?? It seemed good to me. "he might take it a bit too far in his reaction but tbh- i think we can cut him some slack for everything he's ever given to the m/c- all of the unconditional love." Yeah :(

the moment where hobi and the m/c are walking up to the car and yoongi is there i litterally see him puffing up like a studio ghibli charecter you know? or maybe like noodle whenever yoongi comes close." Cute lol

"honestly- the line where yoongi says that she doesn't love him like he loves her made me fucking sick when i wrote it like????" me too! TT "not me lowkey not giving them a happy ending." noo :/

"the line that yoongi says “Five? Ten? Sweetheart- I'd last 5 minutes without you and you won't even look at me long enough too apologize and-" is very much a refrence to what hoseok says to yoongi at the begining of the series" ohh that's so good!

"i think it's up to you if he goes too far when he's angry- but i do think it's very human of him to get so angry like...the m/c is his whole fucking world" yeah! "...he will get over it! don't worry! he's just momentarily angry!" i need to see it now TT

"the part between when the pack call her and she arrifes felt really clunky while i was editing it, i decided not to take it down too much because i wanted you guys to feel some of their anticipation- but maybe it's too much." I felt that it was a little long but it works. i think it's the wording? or because im impatient and want them to finish talking. idk. "fuck this bitch"- noodle probably" lol

"i also wanted to make the point with hobi and moonbyul's part at the end that sometimes the people who hurt you have no remorse, you don't get clousrure from them because they'll never admit that they shouldn't have done something. and the biggest closure that you can get is from giving yourself the strenght to let go. in a way- this directly contrasts the parts on the train in the begining. in order to heal a wound you have to stop touching it." damn. i wanted him to get closure but i shouldve known it wouldn't happen. moonbyul is a bitch >:( "it's all happy endings from here <3 Thank you for sticking with it!" YAY! LETS GOO!

Before I Leave You (Pt.69)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: The pack meet with moonbyul to discuss terms.

Tags: Violence, Angst with the happy ending on the horizon, fluff if you squint, Yoongi gets really really angry and kinda triggers the m/c, allusions to past abuse, Blood, manipulative behavior, murderous tendencies, trans! tae, Transphobia, Trans! moonbyul,

W/c: 11.5k

A/n: wow something went heavily wrong with the formatting while i was editing this! if you notice any extra lines or weird breaks (especially on mobile) i tried my best! not sure what went wrong but i might just have to physically re-type this chapter again.

Previous part - Masterlist - First part

I’ll let you in on a little secret: 

In every other version of this story, Hobi doesn’t get to the door in time. 

In every other version, the doors would close and Hoseok would hit them with his fists and yell. Screaming himself bloody and hoarse in the futility of it all. Watching as his future with you melts away at his fingertips like ocean foam, slipping away into the sea like a piece of clear sea glass, disappearing into the deep. They’d miss you at the next station and the one after that too. 

In every other version of reality, in every parallel universe, he's too late to save you. 

But in this one, he gets his pinky finger between the doors just before they slam shut.

The safety feature that keeps the train from closing on any late passengers shoots open with a hiss of compressed air. It's only open for a split second but Hoseok shoves himself through the 8-inch gap and into the warm interior of the train. Jungkook is left on the other side, banging on the door, running to keep up with the car as it thuds and lurches and starts to speed up.

"Next station" Jungkook’s mouth forms the words but Hoseok doesn't hear him say it over the roar of the train. There’s only a few seconds of them staring at each other. Jungkook’s messy hair flops as he runs. The wetness on his cheeks from frustrated tears glistening in the yellow sunlight before Jungkook runs out of the platform and is left standing there at the edge. Hoseok hurdles on. 

Hoseok’s blood is roaring in his ears. He puts his hands on his knees and pants. The thudding momentum of the train makes Hoseok fall over, either that or it's from lack of oxygen. One second he's looking at JK and then next he's sprawled on the dirty linoleum floor before he pulls himself upright.

His throat feels like it’s still swelling a little. He puts his hands there, trying to steady himself. Black spots dance in his vision and he catches himself for a second time on the metal rail as the train rolls and jostles.

When he coughs, there’s dark blood in the palm of his hands. Hoseok wipes it on his pajama pants and starts looking. 

He knows he must look like something horrific because an old woman in the first priority row looks at him with a crinkle of concern twisting her face. “Are you alright son?” She asks, voice squeaky.

“Yeah, just a rough morning” he grabs the back of her seat as he sways, steading himself for just a second before he uses the headrest of the seat to pull himself back down the train. 

Hobi combs through the train cars slowly, betting that you'll be close to the end. He takes the longer route first, better to go down to the end and work his way back up in case you're in the first three cars, just in case you decide to get off at the next station.

He searches and searches until the fear starts to take hold in his stomach, nausea or maybe it’s just motion sickness.

He draws a bit of attention as he moves. Mostly from adults, the little unpresented pups that jump back and forth between the seats without a care in the world don’t find the bruises on his neck anything out of the ordinary. But an omega pulls his pups into his lap at Hoseok's approach. Hoseok is too sick with worry to pay them any mind. 

But Hoseok doesn't need to worry, because he finds you on the fifth train car.

The blue sticky vinyl seats are full of all sorts of people; A stuffy alpha in a suit and a pair of bright yellow headphones. A small elderly omega woman with a big bushel of frizzy hair and about 10 tote bags to her name muddles through her morning commute. Two freshly presented teenagers with patched-up jackets, punky and honest in their aesthetic.  

But there- at the end of the car where the booth seats facing each other turn into single rows all facing the same direction. Folded into the window a figure in dark clothes hunched over trying to look as small as possible. Trying to disappear. 

Trying to hide. 

Anyone would be able to scent the clear and clary smell of distress and loneliness on the air. It’s the same scent that soaks Namjoon’s hospital- noxious and pungent. It hits Hoseok with such a visceral wave that he almost falls over again. 

You’re wearing his sweatshirt and Yoongi’s jacket. The hood drawn up over your head to hide your sob blotchy face from the strangers. Sniffling as you look out the window. He sees you wipe your eyes. You don't look up at all. You don't even notice Hobi approaching until he's slipping into the seat next to you and sliding his hand to lace through yours. His knuckle, your knuckle, then his. 

You startle. Predictably- your fear response has always been a little bit over the top. You flinch, whirling, starting when you see it’s him. Jerking your hand out of his on instinct and nearly backing yourself into the window. Getting yourself as far away from him on the narrow seat as possible. 

He wants to yell at you, he wants to shout at how stupid you are for leaving something good. (Don’t you know how rare good is for people like us? Don’t you want to hold onto it?) All of the shit with his ex- with Moonbyul seems impossible- but you sacrificing yourself for others is not hard for Hobi to believe. That part of this is so painfully logical and so painfully you that if Hobi were less scared right now he might start crying.

You've always thought you were less valuable, less necessary, less loved by the pack. The last one in is the first one out. Hoseok knows you think this because he used to think that way too.

He wants to yell at you but instead his voice comes out soft, the way that the others used to talk to you back when you didn’t speak. Like he's comforting a startled animal. You are a startled animal. 

"You used the train ticket" He swallows. It stings. Hurts like a bitch really. Every time he speaks it hurts. "I never thought you'd use it."

Hoseok puts his hand on the seat in front of you blocking you as you try and get up and out of your seat. Moving automatically to get away- to get safe. That might be all that you know how to do- keep yourself safe.

You stand there for a second, in stalemate. Blood drains from your face, and you stare each other down as Hoseok goes from devastated to angry and then sad again. Struggling not to cry. Hoseok doesn’t like to cry- it’s too much like begging. His body asking for what he can’t. 

It’s quiet, you have to be quiet here. There aren’t too many people but a few rows in front of you is a pair of alpha's in suits with briefcases. Unseemly eyes could be hidden everywhere so you need to be quiet. Hoseok's voice is quiet anyway. He still can’t speak much above a whisper. 

No quicker have you startled than you start to push at him, at his shoulders. Literally trying to push him out of the chair. Shaking your head. "You can't be here Hobi you have to go, they'll kill you-" You start to pull him up to his feet but he makes himself a lead weight. 

“No- no I’m not going to let you go.” Hoseok cups your cheek, long fingers rubbing your tears away. The pads of his fingers cradling your cheek. Soft skin, your cheeks have always been so soft. Hobi’s brain gets caught on the sensation. 

"This is how this is going to work; we're going to get off at the train station- and then with any luck- Yoongi and Jimin and Jungkook will already be there and we're going to go home, okay?" He tilts his face, trying to get a better look under your hood, lower lip wobbling, voice breaking, “You have to come home with me, okay?” 

You’re trembling so hard that Hobi can feel it as he holds your face, shaking your head stubbornly. 

"Hobi, if I don't go. Jimin’s going to die, you're going to die, Jin’s going to die. I can't not do something. Don't pretend one life outweighs three." 

"I can't let you go."

You lean into his hand. Has Hoseok ever cupped your cheek before or is the first time he's touched you this way? He can't remember. There are so many firsts that he can't remember. So many firsts that haven't happened yet. Slipping through his fingers like water. 

"And I can't let you die." 

Hoseok holds your cheeks, thumbs skimming up and down your cheekbones, a little more hollow than usual. These last few days have stretched all of you thin and honest. The truth does not feed you, like subsiding off of air. This truth is not one that he wants to share but-

Yoongi had looked a little shocked when he’d told him, that kind of shock that sort of feels vindicating- like you matter. Hoseok doesn't understand why Moonbyul being his ex matters. But Yoongi's reaction makes him think it is. 

The light fills the train car honey golden slipping away to the clean brightness of a winter day. The light flashing through the trees like some sort of strobe light, flickering across both of you here- at the back of the train where there is no one to overhear. 

Hoseok pulls himself closer to you, his lips brushing your ear. "I never told you- the name of my old pack omega but I think you know her.” 

The train hisses and shrieks and your hand settles over Hoseok’s bruised wrist. 

“I think you know her very very well because Yoongi said you do." 

Hoseok pulls you flush against him, across the seat, your foot hitting his ankle, and whispers it into your ear. 

"Her name was Moon Byul-yi." 

You freeze in his hold, trembling, and he pulls away to watch the visceral realization dawn on your face. You're smart. The Moonbyul he knew would have never thought to anticipate that either of you was smart. Haughty and superior to the last inch. She’d have assumed that she had the upper hand like all narcissists do. Why would prey know anything about the hunt?

You panic, your conviction is slipping away, Hoseok can see you’re struggling to hold onto it. “Hoseok- you don’t understand, I have to do this, I need to.”

He takes your hand in his. “Okay- if you want to go then I’m coming with you.”

“Hoseok.”

He shakes his head and brings the back of your hand up to his mouth to run his lips along your knuckles. Gripping it tight. Your bones and his bones all aligned, the sunburn on the back of his hands that’s always sort of there from driving and the faint scars that line your hands from cooking. Both self-inflicted and accidental.

(Love is that way too, either something that you seek out or something that happens to you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to Hoseok, you could never be the worst).

There is one scar at the bottom of your hand and the bottom of his; a line across his right palm and a line across your left one- both gotten the night that you tried to take the train. You didn’t take the train then but you’ve taken it now.

You’ve made your choice and Hoseok makes his. “Either together or not at all.”

Hoseok rationalizes it by thinking- If you were going back to Geumjae and if he was still alive, you’d never let him walk into his clutches. You would never let Geumjae lay a hand on him, so he won’t let you go to her. Will do everything in his power to get you off of this fucking train.

“I’m sorry, Hobi- I’m-”

He pulls himself closer to you. Lips touching your temple just like the sunlight. Your warm thigh pressed to his warm thigh.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing to make up for. If we want to survive this then we need to do it together.” Hoseok presses a kiss to your hairline and lets it linger there. “I won't haunt you if you won't haunt me."

“You don’t understand-“ 

“Why? Why do you have to be the one? If you can answer me that honestly and in a way that makes sense, then I’ll let you go.” Hoseok says the words as he drags his nose across your hairline in a small scent mark. A growl rolling in his throat. His hand itching towards the back of your neck- if he were able to scruff you- he could drag you off this train with or without your say-so. 

Hoseok won't do that to you unless it's absolutely necessary. He won't scruff you maliciously but honestly, he'd damn the consequences at this point. You know the risks, and yet you let his hand settle on the back of your neck. He doesn't scruff you yet.

You are on the train now, but you could get off of it. Hoseok managed to convince you once he can convince you again. You do not respond to him, but he doesn’t need you to. He continues on word vomiting out his feelings. Drenched half in panic and half in fear that if he stops talking you’ll tell him something heartbreaking. Hoseok can’t handle any more heartbreak today. 

"I know you’ve been in a lot of pain. I’ve known it since the first day I met you. But this self-sabotage- sacrificing yourself because you think your life isn't worth risking the rest of ours- this isn’t the way to do it. This isn’t the way that you get out.” 

This is the question that you’ve been asking the whole time he’s known you. All of this is just trying to get out of the holes that you dig for yourself. The graves that you haunt. Graves of things that might have been and the things that should or shouldn’t have happened to you.

Your voice is so small and quiet, your palm in his tightens just a little bit. “How do I? How do I get out?” 

"You can start by just getting off this fucking train."

You eye him like you think it’s impossible like it can’t possibly be that easy.

The announcer overhead is telling you you’re almost to the next stop. To mind the gap and such. The same way people mind children and precious objects. Mind the gap. Such a strange turn of phrase. How do you treasure the space between one motion ending and the other beginning? The end of one place and time and the beginning of another. 

“How do I do it? How do I-” 

Hoseok laces his hand with yours again and pulls you up onto your feet. The train is slowing. “I’ll show you just- follow me. I’ve got you.”

I’ve got you. 

You do follow Hobi, you follow Hobi off the train as he coxes you softly onto the platform and onto the frosty tracks. It’s mid morning by now and the sun is streaming in that bright yellow way when he tugs you up the stairs slow. Slow because he still has to. His body aches from yesterday. Both of you are bruised and tired but together. Clinging to each other- his hand and your hand and not a breath of space between.  

In the parking lot, there is a red car double parked across the lines closest to the stairs. Jimin and Yoongi and Jungkook are already standing outside, the doors blown open. Jimin falls into a squat the second he sees you. Head in his hands. Running through his hair and tugging. A cigarette discarded on the concrete bouncing before it rolls to a stop and burns.

“Oh thank fucking god, Tae would have fucking killed me-” 

Jungkook groans and rests his head on the hood of the car, hitting it with an open-palmed slap. It echoes in the empty parking lot.

"That sentence is substantially less funny today than it would have been yesterday.” 

Yoongi is just staring at you fists and shoulders tight. You watch him swell the closer that you walk. Every step made in trepidation. He's breathing heavy, eyes wild with panic and anger and his hair stands on end. His eyes are bloodshot and his scent is almost acidly salty. The kind of salt that guides metal to rust and break. The salt that melts cities. That crunches under your feet next to dark puddles from snowmelt. 

When you're 3 paces away he seems to break, stalking up to you and jabbing a finger in your face. “If you ever pull a stunt like that again I swear I’ll-” Yoongi breaks himself off. Shaking so viscerally that it's hard for you to keep your hands by your side. but you stand your ground as Hoseok swats yoongi's jabbed finger away. his other hand tightly laced with yours.

“Yoongi, let’s just get into the car and go home- please. Let's not talk about this here.” The parking lot is mostly empty, but the danger still lingers. There’s too much to talk about. Moonbyul's name rings in Hoseok's ears like the subtle hum of hearing loss, like a high-pitched shriek. There are things more important than Yoongi's anger. 

But Yoongi’s not done with you- oh- he’s boiling with rage. Shaking with it as he opens the door for you, every action, every little moment restrained. His anger is palpable. You get into the back of the Lamborghini and Hobi follows.

You can tell he wants to slam the door but doesn't. He shuts it extra extra soft but you flinch anyway. He gets into the driver's seat every moment controlled but tense, like he'll explode if he moves with any more energy than necessary, a firework with a fuse burned all the way down just begging for heat.

Yoongi waits for everyone to buckle their seat belt but you don’t, frozen watching him in the window and then the rearview mirror when he gets into the front seat. Yoongi doesn’t even get around to starting the car. Sliding the key home but the beep goes once, twice, and then a third time because you don't have your seatbelt buckled. The others wait in silence.

“Yoongi-“

“Fuck!” He kicks open his door again with a stream of spat explicatives. Slamming it shut this time. The others don't say anything, completely silent in the face of his anger.

Yoongi doesn't get angry. You've never seen him like this before. He wrenches your door open and for a horrible moment, you think he's going to yank you out of the car and tell you to get lost.

Yoongi's murmuring things to himself, so low that you almost can't make out what he's saying as he pushes himself into the backseat. The backseat of the Lambo isn’t that large. Hardly big enough to fit two people let alone four.

Jungkook lets out a belated “Hey!” at being squished up against the door but Hoseok just reaches around him and unlocks it for him to get out. Jimin is already out of the passenger seat and heading in the direction of the driver's side as Yoongi scrambles with your seat belt, jerking it over your shoulder and slamming it home.

"-Fucking asshole- of all the stupid omegas in the world I had to be mated to the fucking- dumbest- little- fucking-" The belt digs into your shoulder extra tight and Jimin starts the car wordlessly. 

You're closed in on both sides by him and Hobi on the other. They switch and shuffle. Jimin pulls away from the train station, gentler this time but still faster and with more finesse than you'd do it. Yoongi is still looking at you, glaring, tears in his eyes with wet cheeks, his voice low and uncompromising. 

“Give me your phone.” 

“My what?”

“Your. Phone. You used it to call her didn’t you?” You nod after a second, slowly pulling it from your sweatshirt pocket and handing it over. 

Yoongi takes your phone and breaks it over his thigh.

It’s a bit impressive really- the show of strength. He brings it down once and the screen breaks, winking out like a shooting star. Another and it bends just a little, a third time- and it's practically at a right angle. It breaks so easily in the face of adrenaline and anger and fear. 

You make a small noise, not a whimper but a descending sound. Yoongi raises his eyebrows at you, wild. Like he’ll break even further if you complain. Hoseok’s not sure he’s ever seen Yoongi this broken.

"Just- There were pictures of Noodle and Tae on there.”

Fear and anger are an intoxicating mix to anyone- let alone someone who almost lost their person. He goes at your phone until its jagged edge bites into his hand drawing blood. Then he tosses both pieces of your phone onto the floor of the car like they're paperweights.

One of the pieces hits your shoe with a small metal clink, and even Hobi looks down in surprise at the sound. 

Yoongi laughs and then bends over. Yanking the gun out of your boot. Small, shoved there. Hoseok didn’t notice. He's not sure why it surprises him- that you'd be armed. You're not an idiot, you know the risks, and you were armed the last time that you tried to run away.  

He holds it out to you, long fingers wrapped around the barrel pointed at his chest. The handle facing you, the barrel of the gun level with his heart.

“You want to do the honors sweetheart?"

Jungkook’s worrying away at his lower lip, turning around, nervous. “Yoongi-" but Yoongi just holds a finger out, cutting him off. He's watching you, waiting to see what you'll do.

Jimin very gently reaches back and takes the gun from Yoongi. The beta lets him. Jimin flicks the safety off with a twitch of his thumb. And takes out the magazine one-handed that he hands to Jungkook before he puts the body of the gun barrel down in the cup holder where it rattles freely. 

“Don’t fucking do that. we do not point guns at ourselves or each other in this pack.” 

Yoongi hardly looks mad, he hardly reacts to Jimin at all. Jungkook's eyes flicker nervously from Jimin to Yoongi, then to Jimin's shoulder.

Jimin's flush sits on the top of his cheekbones, "Jin-hyung gets a pass obviously."

You quirk an eyebrow at your mate, not impressed in the slightest, not even intimidated truly. Hoseok doesn’t think you’ve fought since you tried to leave the first time. 

“You didn’t really expect me to go unarmed, did you? Thought I could at least take one of them out- at least Moonbyul before they-” Jimin breathes hard through his teeth and Hoseok actually laughs, although he sounds a little unhinged. Yoongi runs his hands through his hair, pulling a little.

“I didn’t expect you to fucking leave me either but here we fucking are.” Yoongi has never raised his voice with you- he never raises his voice period. But anger and terror have made his words sloppy where usually they strike exact.

In the mirror, you see Jungkook’s jaw clench as Jimin accelerates home a little faster. Yoongi crowds you against Hoseok. Resting his forehead against yours, you can hear the grit in his teeth as he grinds them together nearly spitting, but it’s quiet. 

“If you try something like that again, you will see a side of me that I do not want to show you. Do you understand?” 

That makes you unnerved, and makes your lower lip start to tremble. Your “Yes.” Comes out so quiet that Hoseok is sure Jimin and Jungkook can't hear it in the front seat over the Lambo's purr. 

You’re unable to meet his eyes, Yoongi has never been rough with you, but he’s shaking with the effort to hold himself back from screaming, yelling, crying. There are no words for you, no words that he could ever say that might hold you. He is so angry he can’t even fucking speak. 

For a terrible moment, you think that he's going to hit the seat in front of you. But then he tucks your hair behind your ear out of your face so that he can look at you properly. 

This is Yoongi's karma for leaving the pack all those months ago. He's come to know their pain so keenly, this was only a few hours of what they endured but still- this is exactly like that. 

“You know- I’ve never wondered if you need me, but sometimes I wonder if you love me at all.”

His hand slides down your cheek, gentle in the way that he goes, and it hurts so much more than a slap or punch ever would. It stings. Everywhere Yoongi touches you stings. 

“I know you don’t love me the way that I love you- I’m not that dumb, but-" 

Your face screws into a whimper, and you can't whisper out that you're sorry quick enough. Yoongi guides your forehead back to rest against his. Still angry, still spitting the words like they take something from him. You should deny what he says and you want to, but you’re mute in the face of your mate's anger.    "How many hours do you think will exist between your death and mine?”   You’re silent as Jimin drives, but his eyes meet yours in the rearview mirror. You don’t see any pity in his eyes maybe because Yoongi, like you, had nearly left them broken. Had actually left and stayed gone. Yoongi will never quite deserve pity for words like those. Yoongi directs your face away from Jimin and back to his.

“How many god damn it!” He grips your cheeks, gentle, fingers that touch so softly, that cradle you, shaking all the while. 

“Five? Ten? Sweetheart- I'd last 5 minutes without you and you won't even look at me long enough to apologize and you don't make it easy- I don't-

"Yoongi. That is enough." 

Jimin is steely. Cutting him off before Yoongi can say something that he regrets and that he doesn't mean. But Yoongi won’t continue anyway. He's crying so hard he can’t see your face, can’t even see the way that you crumple.

He rests his forehead on your shoulder for the remainder of the drive. Pushing away your hands every time you try and wrap them around him until you’re crying with how frustrated you are. Keeping that one point of contact only, his crumpled face pressed against your mating mark. 

He doesn’t want your touch- the touch of someone who hurt him. This is the first time that Yoongi has denied you something so simple, something so habitual as your arms around his shoulders. 

Your pleas fall on deaf ears, your words come too late. "I'm sorry, i'm so sorry Yoongi I didn't mean- please believe me- I didn't- Please i'm so sorry-"

It’s a pity isn’t it; someone always has to love the other more. This is the oldest story, and there is no other story. Karma comes just in time or not at all. But right now? Right now it does not feel nice being Yoongi’s karma for leaving the pack all those months ago. 

The car ride is mostly silent for the rest of the drive. The car has barely stopped when Yoongi scrambles to get out. The car door flings open with the momentum of Jimin stopping. The hood is hot when he skims his fingers across it steadying himself to round it and dash inside.

Your hands shake too hard to unbuckle yourself as Yoongi hurries, he almost runs. Hoseok gets out of the car, shouting "Yoongi!" but your mate doesn't turn around, doesn't do anything but barrel past the others. Pushing away their worried questions and hands to get inside the house. 

The bindings on your hands are already bleeding a little bit, your hands chubby and swollen, and unable to see the seat buckle as you claw at it. 

A warm chest hits the side of your face as strong arms reach around you. Jungkook unbuckles you, close and filling the backseat in Yoongi's absence. He holds you for a second, giving you a squeeze and a sideways hug. "Just give him a second it’s gonna be alright." 

You stare at Jungkook for a second. Wiping your tears away with a curled fist. He looks tired. “I mean you’re literally his mate so- it's not like he can really...” Jungkook trails off, and the keys jingle in Jimin's hands as he waits. mute and unreadable, staring at the steps where tae stands with Jin and Namjoon.

"Aren't you guys going to yell at me too?" Jungkook snorts, and when you pull back to look at his face, he doesn't look angry, he doesn't even look tired. 

"That wouldn't solve anything." Your face crumples further, but Jungkook just starts to pull you to the edge of the leather seat to hug you better under the guise of firmly setting you on your feet. 

"What I am gonna do is make you go work out with me. I'm gonna make you do like- so many burpees in punishment for making me run that early in the morning."

You laugh wetly and Jungkook giggles, nuzzling the top of your head. Gripping around your waist to pick you up just a little. 

Jin looks just as puffed up as Yoongi but so much less angry, wrapped in your big blue blanket like a cape, a corner pulled over his head and ears like a hood, his fluffy bunny slippers poking out below.

The wooden planks of the deck have dried in the winter sunlight and Tae is barefoot where she stands, silk robe too thin for the winter chill. looking at you with that same hollow look she’s had for the last day.

Jin doesn’t try to grab Yoongi as he stalks past. Namjoon sends a conflicted glance at him and then at you. His shoulders are pinned up by his ears, the scraggly five o'clock shadow he wears looks tear tacky. He looks at you for a single second but then heads into the house after your mate. You blanch, but you're not surprised that Namjoon needs a second before he talks to you too. 

The pervasive sound of wrenching can be heard echoing out into the porch, and a look inside says that Namjoon’s got a hand on Yoongi's back where he's bent over the sink. Throwing up nothing because your mate had hardly eaten last night- worried about you and Hobi. You've never felt more undeserving of him, the guilt hits you harder than any words ever could.

You swallow at the bottom of the steps. Hoseok and Jungkook and Jimin behind you, hand on the small of your back urging you forward gently. Willing to let you stray more than a few steps away after chasing you down.

Jin is extra tall and on the upper step, looking down at you with an unreadable expression on his face, he places a hand over the back of your neck scruffing you smoothly and evenly until you almost fall, knees already shaky. Jungkook steps up and grabs you before you hit the floor. But Jin just stoops. Lips brushing the shell of your ear.

“When this is over, when everyone is safe, we’re going to have a long long talk about this. About why pups don’t make decisions on their own. Give me your phone.”

You can hear Jimin’s grimace in his voice, “Yoongi already broke it.” 

“Are you angry with me?” You ask lower lip wobbling, tears drifting down your nose, “Please don’t be angry with me- please-” Jin squeezes the nape of your neck again, harder. You see sparkles in your vision- your body compensating for Jin's touch even though you're so tired you feel like you might pass out. You easily submit to the scruff, you'll do anything Jin asks right now just to temper his disappointment.

Hoseok grabs under your elbows to keep you standing. Between him and Jin and Jungkook- you’re a soggy little bundle of omegas. You don’t see it, but from the railing, Tae cups Jimin’s cheek. 

Jin croons. “Hush pup. Come inside where it's warm. We've got a lot to talk about- mostly what we can do besides make rash decisions like that." 

Hoseok's hand is on Jin's wrist before he has a chance to continue. Eyes bright with something that looks an awful lot like hope. 

"About that..." Hoseok gulps, “We think we figured out how to get out of this Jinnie. I have to talk to Yoongi about it again but-” Jin tugs Hoseok onto his other shoulder.

“I think we’ve figured a way out of this.”  

You sniffle where you're tucked against Jin's chest, but you’re right next to his scent gland when it swells with pride, sweet and milky. Jin runs the back of his hand softly over Hoseok's warm cheeks, and croons.

“Good puppy.”

~-~

The next time you call Moonbyul, you’re all sitting around the dining room table. The blinds are drawn and Noodle has been fed. Jimin’s collection of guns lay on the table in several neat little rows, the barrels of them pointed in the same direction like the legs of some long-dead arachnid. 

A list of demands and a dialogue are written out in front of you but they're not for you. Jin and Yoongi will be doing most of the talking. You've done nothing for the last hour it took to hatch the plan other than sit obediently at the reach of your alphas. Willing to trade little 'I'm sorries' and the barest attempt at teasing after you'd gotten up to get a glass of water and they'd all flinched. Jimin had even gotten up and out of his chair before shaking his head and sitting back down. instincts reacting to your movement before his brain caught up.

"Would it make you feel better if you put me in handcuffs?"

"Only if they're the fuzzy ones." 

"Jk- now is not the time.”

All in all, Jungkook and Hobi seem to be the ones who are the least angry at you for trying to pull that stunt. Jimin's just a little more tactile with you than usual pulling you to sit close to him at the table. rubbing over your knee. Fiddling with your hands and gently avoiding the wounds there.

Namjoon still can't look at you, eyes flickering away every time you speak. Not angry- but maybe still upset- still working through his feelings. 

There are more important things to work through; the plan, the facts of what you know, a list with numbers sit next to your dialogue. The facts of everything connected with arrows and different handwriting and a good bit of doodles- courtesy of Jungkook and Tae (and you- when she'd prodded). 

Your list goes like this:

Moonbyul is not an alpha (verified by Hobi) (ew it's so gross to think of you with another omega hyung)

Only an alpha can rule the family. (That's a little sexist) (I didn't write the rules Tae)

LEVERAGE. 

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ (JK- stop doodling on official FBI documents.) 

Yoongi hasn't spoken a word to you since he came inside the house and you don't expect him to right now. That’s hardly the most important matter at hand. Baby steps.

Baby steps. 

You call her with Jimin’s work burner. The one he keeps in his car and uses exclusively for instructions about which murder and which target needs to be taken out. Moonbyul answers on the first ring and guesses it’s you before you even have a chance to speak. The others had unanimously decided that you wouldn't be speaking for this conversation. You don't mind sitting back for this. 

Whatever makes them happy, whatever makes them feel better. 

Her voice strikes a chill down your spine, now that you know that she's the one who hurt Hobi. It's her he sees behind his eyes on his worst days and it's her voice he hears when his internal monologue becomes vicious and self-shaming. You hear it differently than you did before; a cross between a snake's hiss and the purr of some dark-furred jungle cat. 

“Any much longer and you’re going to be late pup, you know how impatient I can be.” 

It's surprisingly difficult to not give her a piece of your mind. Your hands tighten into fists, your bones and skin all tight where you'd hurt your hands. But before your knuckles can even go white a big hand covers yours, prying your fingers apart so that your fingernails don't dig into the gauze, still bloody. You look up at Namjoon. He shakes his head, just a little, and you relax your hands.

Yoongi leans over the table so that his voice comes across clearer over the speakerphone. 

“I think you’ll want to be patient for this alpha- or should I say omega.” 

Hoseok holds the edge of the table hard, leaning in too. He's sure the hitch of his breath must be audible over the phone. But Moonbyul doesn't remark on it. Jin’s hand remains settled on the nape of his neck and you wish you were sitting next to him too.

Yoongi scoots himself closer to the edge of the table. On the side opposite from you. “The claws of an alpha don’t suit you, cousin.”  

Moonbyul laughs and none of you smile. The tone of her voice shifts, a bit more serious. “They fit me better than they'd fit you. Let me see how deep your bite is or should I ask Hoseok? Is that pup there? How about Minnie and mommy?” 

Tae folds her hands over her chest, affronted, but doesn't speak either. Your hand goes hard on Namjoon's wrist and he grips yours back just as hard. Holding out his hand for Hobi's across the table. 

You open your mouth to retaliate- for the comment on Tae alone (you're not sure how Moonbyul found out about your nickname for her) but Jimin mouths across the table, “Don’t” You're all silent, waiting for her next move.

Jin's FBI training kicks in. Negotiation and kidnappings had been a course he'd been required to take during his orientation to the fbi. and his voice is measured and polite.

"I think we're past the point of petty jabs and assassin's, aren't we? Let's talk, pack omega to pack omega."

“You want to parley then? Make a deal?”

Jin drums his hands across the table. Nervous but his voice doesn't shake, not even a little bit.

“This has gone on for long enough. Let’s meet.”

~-~   Moonbyul comes in with the quiet. 

The hours drag on in the space before she arrives at the house. The pack perks up in the direction of every errant sound or neighbor in your cul-de-sac. The sound of the little kids across the street leaving for Saturday morning sports, of the dull scape of someone shoveling out their driveway, the rumbling of distant cars on the highway.

It’s a Sunday, isn’t it? Strange, that this kind of thing should happen on a Sunday. Jimin stares out at the driveway, leaning against the railing, and thinks it must be some sort of punishment both wretched and divine. He smokes his cigarette, spitting the smoke out like he's burning, and shakes off the shivers of a god he doesn't believe in.

He finishes his cigarette, then he and the others and ready the house for Moonbyul’s arrival. 

Hobi feels every tick of the clock like the beat of his heart knowing that she’s on her way. She’d started driving after Jimin had shown her a video of his guns being thrown into the river. A meeting without any weapons will be as safe as anyone can get.

But still- the pack isn't stupid. Hobi watches from the kitchen as Jin tapes the pack’s sharpest and largest kitchen knife under the kitchen table in front of his seat as well as Jimin’s and Yoongi’s just in case. 

Allowing her inside the den goes against every instinct. To have their softest most safe place violated by the presence of someone who has hurt them like this. It's almost too much. But to have the upper hand and have this meeting on their turf is more than they’ve hoped for. So Namjoon restrains his growls, hand still held in yours at the table. After a tangle of so many hours and days of all this violence, the pack takes their chances for a way out. 

You'd discussed the meeting happening at the house before you'd even called and agreed. Talked it out between the eight of you the idea location for any meet up. Only Namjoon was against it- but he's been overruled by Jin and Yoongi.

You’d remained mostly silent and agreed with Yoongi when it came to a vote. Warm big eyes on him, waiting for a hint of approval that never came. Jimin thinks that wound is going to take more than simple obedience to heal. 

Yoongi doesn’t know what to think, or what to do. Jin and Jimin take over most of the planning as far as what’s going to be said and how. Everything needs to be carefully orchestrated for this to not go poorly. Everyone needs to be on their best behavior. 

But there is hope here, on the edge of their scheming is a plan that might work- this might really work. You all might get out of this unscathed. Even Yoongi who’s never taken a simple breath outside of this life of murder and secrets. Who has had this violence built into his blood from the moment he was born. Yoongi was born a liar. Yoongi always thought that he'd live and die belonging to his family- at the will of their beck and call.

Now he's not so sure. 

He feels like he’s hyper-aware of you, in your orbit the way an addict is always aware of how little or lot is left of a drug. Every twitch and movement of your body sets him on edge. But when you’re not watching- Yoongi watches you. Tensing with every step you take in the direction of the door, heaving a thankful sigh whenever you pass by it. 

He tries not to touch you but it’s hard. He’d taken your shoes and locked them in the closet upstairs, it's silly but it's necessary.

His pulse is still beating so fast that it scares him a little. The mating mark at his hip aches with every step, he wonders if yours aches with every word or breath. Pressed there against your throat where he'd kissed countless times, where he'd nuzzled sleeplessly just last night. Breathing in your scent because it soothed him. 

It still soothes him, even if he doesn't want it to. 

Yoongi spends every few minutes bent over the kitchen sink or the toilet, the revulsion curling up in his gut like a snake dragging its teeth down the sides of his heart. You’d left him again, actually left him again. Yoongi wants to scream and cry but- 

But there are moments of you saying you’re sorry- to Tae, to Jimin, and Jungkook- who stubbornly wraps his arms around your back like a living blanket and makes you stoop forward with his weight. Or Jimin who rubs his chin across the top of your head and jostles you with the aggressiveness of his scent mark, catching your wrists in both of his hands roughly in a way that almost- almost has Yoongi intervening. He's just clumsy and tired. 

All of you are. 

There are other moments of Jin lingering close, speaking to you in the soft stern way that has you deflating that makes Yoongi’s body hum in that mate way- that way that lets him know you need him. 

Namjoon hasn't changed the bandages on your hands yet, even though there's a tiny bit of blood on your right one. Yoongi wants to ask him to change it out but can't make his mouth form the words. 

Hobi watches you from wear he rests against the couch, pointedly not sitting on the spot that Jin cleaned of blood. Holding a bit of ice to his throat and sipping on water. Able to talk now- for real. Voice strengthening with every minute. 

Yoongi pauses by his side and asks, loud enough for you to overhear "aren't you angry?" Hoseok doesn't miss the way your shoulders tense. You’re looking over things and talking with Jin and Jimin, clarifying something- some rules about the family that only you and Yoongi know of. There are documents on the table with the title FBI property- do not reproduce or take off premises. 

He tips his head back against the back of the couch, Hoseok’s legs sprawled out, aching from running so hard and so fast and being so out of practice with it. Fuck- Hoseok is so tired. So anxious and so keyed up by the knowledge that Moonbyul will be here within the next hour. He yawns in Yoongi’s face without covering his mouth. His stretched lips full of teeth teeth teeth. 

Yoongi feels his anger quiet even before Hoseok shrugs. "i don't know if my anger would make it better. i care more about making sure we all get to wake up tomorrow without feeling like shit"

Jungkook echoes the same sentiment on his way past. “Same like- I cannot wait to nest” And Jimin nods, blonde hair fluffing. Even namjoon's subtle agreement as he does the dishes makes yoongi feel...Not better...but maybe a little less angry.

Namjoon does the dishes, but you're his close shadow. They could wait- but Namjoon needs something to do with his hands besides holding onto yours. You still haven’t talked at all, and haven't apologized verbally to him for that phone call. He wants a wide birth and you give it to him.

Survival first- and apologies and forgiveness later.  

"I think motive counts for something too," Hoseok says, looking at you across the room helping Namjoon stack dishes without being asked. "You didn't mean to hurt us when you left, but you felt like you had to." Yoongi swallows hard and feels like he's the one who's been choked in the last 48 hours.

If there’s one thing Yoongi hates, it’s how love makes you forgive. (Yoongi wouldn’t be standing in this house right now with the pack if love wasn’t this way). You could hurt me and I’d ask for it, beg for it really, as long as I’m still yours. As long as you stay. 

At the beginning, the fact that Yoongi loved you more always hurt the pack, Jin especially. But watching Yoongi’s eyes follow your movements as you're asked to do some small remedial task to appease the pack, watching you do it with so much sweet eagerness. the pack find that they're thankful for it.

You say you’re sorry to anyone who will listen. And Jungkook's endless replies of "it's okay" make Yoongi's ears itch in the interim.

The moments and minutes stretch out long.

But about an hour before Moonbyul is due to arrive, in the quiet panic of making sure things are ready and just waiting, Jin tries to convince you to go upstairs for the entirety of your meeting. But as much as the pack doesn't want to admit it you might be the best at getting what you want from Moonbyul. They're prepared for you to be a little bratty about it, to push back a little regardless of the circumstances.

What they're not prepared for is Hoseok standing up in the center of the room, setting his icepack on the couch with a small crunch, before he says “I want to see her again.” 

It's met with an immediate rejection, and a barrage of questions from the other alpha's, Jimin and Namjoon especially have their hackles raised. Yoongi actually checks his ears to see if they're bleeding. Jin quite literally grabs Hobi and shakes him a little. But he’s convinced that he needs too. He’s got questions for her that no one else can answer.

You had been the one person who had agreed with him. Some questions can only be answered by the person who hurt you. 

Moonbyul isn’t stupid- she won’t walk into your den without a few face cards in her hands. You won’t let her come here without a card up your sleeve either. But aces are aces- a royal flush will beat 4 aces every time, and it’s up to you who wears the crown. 

You watch the pack put on the air of royalty. Watch Namjoon recline at the head of the table the picture of Pack alpha ease. Scent blockers are applied to all of you liberally out of necessity. You rub it into Hobi’s scent gland yourself (You won’t let Moonbyul get a wif of him).

You watch your mate settle into his shoulders; neck held high. Putting on the same Placid but brutal he'd worn the first time you'd met him. That untouchable coldness that all members of the family wear out of necessity. 

But Yoongi had never been good enough at keeping the warmth out of his eyes. Even back then.

Moonbyul comes in a black car, non-descript. She's driving herself today. No extra ears or extra packmates attached to her hip. Even Hyejin is absent and it’s strange, strange to not see her get out of the car with her.

It sets you off kilter when you peer out the window. Lingering until Yoongi comes close. Your breath hitches as his hands touch your shoulders. Urging you upstairs without a word, an unspoken heaviness in his eyes.

Regardless of what you'd agreed, now that she's here. yoongi doesn't think he can do this if you're not upstairs safe.

“But Yoongi- Hobi-“ Hobi stands by the door. If he's going to talk to her you want to be by his side. But Yoongi's scared, you can see it in his face and feel it in the mating mark.

You think you'll have a few more moments to sort this out, but Moonbyul does not knock on your door, she just lets herself in. 

“Cousin!” she starts, splaying her hands like she’s about to go in for a hug but Yoongi does not smile, Yoongi does nothing but glare at her until her smile and her hands both drop. 

Seeing Moonbyul again after so long does not feel like just seeing her photograph. For a second Hoseok feels cold, so so cold looking at her face. Her fair skin, her silver hair. Tunnel vision and the most dizzying mix of fear and anger and alpha posturing that he’s ever felt. His instincts yell at him, screaming in his ear that he needs to run, needs to get away. 

She smells different, metallic and medicinal, different than her sweet omega peppermint smell that he remembers. It's stronger now- more musky. the scent of an alpha and not an omega. Hoseok wouldn't be able to pinpoint that it was an artificial change if he hadn't smelled the same sort of hormone shift on Tae.

He’s distantly aware that there are people in between him and her, you, Yoongi, Jimin, Namjoon, and even Jungkook who fluffs up, looking determined and like he’s about to unleash all 5 years of experience he has teaching kickboxing on her. (Tae stays at the back of the room- the soft and delicate fairy star child that she is- but even she subtly stands straighter, eyeing Moonbyul’s stiff black coat with the same air that Anna Wintour might wear while viewing a subpar fashion show).

6 feet away and every bit of his instincts is yelling at him to move, to run. His heart thunders in his ears like a battalion of racehorses. How stupid of him to think he was ready- that seeing her face after all these years wouldn’t hurt- that the fear wouldn’t be there- his breath hitches and-

She grins at him and Hoseok flinches. 

In his peripheries, he sees Namjoon and Jimin start to say or do something. Hoseok had put himself- almost perfunctorily in front of you. But after a second with your hand on his wrist tightening, you put yourself between him and her. Stepping around him and Yoongi in one clean movement and blocking his face from view. Moonbyul just raises her eyebrows at you.    Before anything more can happen- before any jabs or warnings can be exchanged, a grey mass skitters across the floor. As quick as a bullet and twice as violent. Out for blood and the bringer of death.

Puffed up and looking large and menacing. Noodle yowls loud, a war cry, before driving his needle-like teeth into Moonbyul's ankle and right through the leather of her Louis Vuitton boots, ripping them with a vicious toss of his neck.

“What the fuck-“ 

Moonbyul startles, knocking into the wall in her surprise at your cat's viciousness. She hardly wastes a breath before she kicks Noodle clear across the floor. 

You gasp and Tae makes a noise. But Noodle is totally fine, He goes hissing and spluttering, and claws his way right back for more not deterred in the slightest. He leaves gash marks on the shiny floor as he aims himself, back to bite her again. 

You have no doubt that he’d be headed for bloodshed and her other ankle if Yoongi didn’t scoop him up from the floor and hold him to his chest. Honestly- Noodle looks more surprised at Yoongi holding him than he does about getting kicked. 

“If you touch my fucking cat again, I’ll fucking kill you." Yoongi's deadly serious. No part of him joking as he says it.

It's barely 60 seconds in and this meeting is already going to shit. 

Namjoon steps up and steps around Yoongi’s shoulder shoving the beta behind him as Noodle starts to squirm in Yoongi's hold.  “Please, lets just get this over with.” He tips his head and gestures to the dining room table for her to sit. 

Tae takes Noodle from Yoongi’s arms. Checking his stomach. Glaring at Moonbyul who does not grin, does not smile, only tucks an errant hair behind her ear.

The sound of chair legs scraping the floor is the only sound as the 9 of you sit in silence. Noodle stays in Tae’s lap, big tail swishing as his beady yellow eyes track Moonbyul across the room. Everyone’s silent, settling. Yoongi and Jimin are the ones seated closest to Moonbyul. You and Hobi are the farthest by Namjoon on the other side. 

“Well- you’re the one who wanted to talk.” But Moonbyul is not looking at Jin and Namjoon and Yoongi- she’s looking at Hoseok- who can do little but look at her through his bangs. Skin burning when she looks at it. A feeling like Hoseok wants to hide and maybe shower until his skin falls off almost overcoming him and making him run. 

“I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to get you fucking flayed out on this kitchen table and-”

“Jimin.” Tae cuts him off with a snap of her teeth around his name. Her hand is on Hobi’s thigh, holding him still keeping his thigh from jumping up and down under the table.

“The time for violence is over,” Jin says sternly. 

Moonbyul grins, “is it?” she drags a sharp nail over a groove in the table. A spot where a bullet or maybe a knife grazed it, probably from the last few days. You wouldn’t know where it came from even if you thought hard about it.

“Some would consider the very act of possessing something that’s mine violence and you have two things that belong to me.” 

Hoseok shivers, and you narrowly avoid snapping a smart retort at her. Jimin’s fingers hover around the knife under the table. Ready to wip it out and drive it clean through her hand splayed on the table. Ready to kill her in the next second if the pack wish it. He’s half convinced he should do it before she opens her mouth because Hoseok looks like he’s going to be sick all over the table and Tae is shaking faintly. 

But then Jimin looks up, meets your eyes, and takes his eyes off of his target for a second. You shake your head a little imperceptibly. 

“Some would also consider lying violence as well- how well do you think that the rest of your family and organization would handle the fact that they’ve been lied too?”

Yoongi settles, tilting his head. Jin and Yoongi are a dangerous pair when they talk through things like this. “We both know that all I’d have to do is pick up a phone and you’d be dead. You and your pack. If you kill me- someone will tell and you'll die. If you touch my pack again- I'll tell and you'll die. And if even think about taking my mate from me again- if i start to sense that you've tried to manipulate her away from me in the slightest- I'll kill you my fucking self."

She turns to you, mirth toying at her lips, "I got away with killing the beta once, what makes you think I can't do it again?" 

Jin smiles at her, it's an honest and genuine smile. "The truth is- you gave us too much time to think. Too much time to figure it out and plan. There's a trigger clause out there. On a computer you couldn't possibly find. If I don't log in every 36 hours, an email will be sent with pictures of her recipe book to the director of the FBI, and you'll go down for it."   Moonbyul turns to you, narrowing her eyes, "You'd risk going to prison or being killed? Rather than be with me?" 

You shrug. "You- prison- tomato tamato. And besides- I know enough- you made sure I knew enough to be useful to them. I'd probably land a sweet gig in witness protection."

Tae pets over noodles head, smiling at you, "We could call Noodle meatball."

Yoongi straightens, getting you back on track. "We'd also send pictures and evidence to the heads of house too; you'd have to take your pick who you'd want to deal with- them or the Feds."    Moonbyul goes quiet and for the first time but you know you have her backed into a corner with this. This secret- this secret is truly her undoing. She fidgets, settling herself firmly into the uncomfortable chair. 

And then it comes, her concession, “What do you want?”

Yoongi nearly lunges forward with how eager he is to outline your terms. “Release Jimin from his contract. Let Y/n go and relinquish the bullshit claim you have on her. Don’t punish Jin for working for the FBI and never contact me again for my responsibilities as a beta. Leave us alone- never touch us again and you can have your empire. We won’t say a word to anyone about your true sub-gender.” He lays his hands flat on the table. "But lay a finger on any one of my packmates and I'll tell everyone what you really are." 

Moonbyul is a manipulator first and foremost, and a good one at that, you don’t know if it’s honesty or a simple tactic when she turns to Tae and appeals to her.

“You’d let them do this for what? One female alpha to the other?” Moonbyul’s eyes are too empty for her to be totally honest. Jungkook can’t stop his flinch. She knows what she’s doing. How to find the weak spots in your conviction and press at them.  

“One trans person to another? You'd let them forcefully out me? don't you know how wrong that is?”

You physically can’t look at her, you have to look away- and Jimin looks like he wants to punch her, jaw rolling- preparing to spit before Tae splays her hands on the table, chipped nail polish catching the light. 

Tae struggles to find the right words. “I don’t know if your reasons are the same as mine.” 

Moonbyul scoffs, crossing her arms. The mask slips at the same second. “Sure they are. You chose to become a woman rather than stay a man because you liked the set of qualities your life could have as a woman better. That's no different from me choosing to be an alpha over an omega because it gave my pack and me the most security.”

You know, you know in your heart that security isn't what Moonbyul's after, it's always been power, but Tae's scent starts to leak around the scent blockers, going sour.

Tae sits back in her chair. “That’s the thing- it wasn’t a choice.”

Moonbyul’s fingernails are digging into her arms in an effort to keep her hands busy. “Was it? You were comfortable being a man once until the risks outweighed the benefits of not being honest with the people you love. That seems like a choice to me- if it wasn’t a choice- you’d never have had to tell anyone- they’d just have known.” 

Moonbyul has always had a terrible knack for finding people's soft spots, Hoseok knows this, and yet he can't say anything. Can't come to Tae's defense. Can't scream at her to shut up- to not touch Tae. To not find the weakest link or perhaps a link she can exploit.

Tae’s hands tighten into a fist and she swallows, before standing up from the table. Noodle falls to the floor with a jingle of his bell collar and an offended meow. Tae leaves the room heading up the stairs and leaves you behind. Done with Moonbyul and the conversation, A choice in itself. You follow her, heading upstairs after Tae with not even a glance in Moonbyul’s direction. 

Moonbyul laughs and laughs and laughs, it’s a little unhinged. The pack stays silent. They just watch her. Yoongi settles into his shoulders and when she leans back in the chair and tucks her hair behind her ear, she’s still smiling.

“Alright cousin, let’s draw up terms.”

The family does things in old ways, a smear of Yoongi’s blood and Moonbyul’s blood on the bottom of a slip of paper and their names ink signed. A red seal printed with both of their initials. Paper that Jin will burn up later because what’s written on it could condemn them all. She also writes up a release of Jimin’s contract too- this one does not get burned. While Jin types up his resignation too.

“I’d still laser off your fingerprints if I were you.” Jimin is already planning on it. He’s not too worried about the loss of income or the family possibly rolling on him and using his long history of murder to put him in jail. He still has his other job after all.

In the end, Moonbyul leaves not with a bang, but with the click of the closing door, soft as all can be. Violent with the gentleness of her actions when she gets up from the table and says goodbye to Yoongi and only Yoongi. But when she makes to leave, she has to pass by the stairs where you wait.

You do not speak from up on top of the stairs, where you’d gone after Tae and left after she told you she was fine, that she wanted to be alone for a moment. Now Moonbyul smiles from the bottom step. Her teeth catch the light like the pearls at the bottom of the ocean.

“I guess it was never going to be us, was it?” Her eyes flick to the mark on your neck and all at once you’re reminded of the feeling of it;

Geumjae’s teeth sink into your throat, the pulse of your veins around his teeth, the feeling of his tongue hitting your skin and the pain and shock of it. Her smiling feels like that. Her smiling up at you makes it feel like she’s taking something from you. 

“There is something in you that’s hungry pup- hungry for more than they can give you. And when they realize that- when they realize that you’re more like me than like Tae- Don’t worry, I’ll be waiting for when you decide that this is not enough.” 

Your finger trails down the railing of the stairs. You don’t meet her eyes. “That’s the thing isn’t it, I do get to decide, don’t I? It's my choice.”

But Hoseok is there, between you and her, and there’s no one between the two of them. Not Noodle or the others although Yoongi gets up quick and comes over to his side. Both of you hem Hobi in. 

“Wait- I just have one question for you- before you go.”

Moonbyul hovers, hand on the door. Almost out of your lives for good. You keep a hand on Hobi’s back, holding him, letting him know you’re there. You can feel the tremble in his shoulders. 

“Why did you do it, why did you hurt me like that when you could have just left? I’ve thought through it for years but I’ve never been able to figure it out. Did you know that you were hurting me when you did it?”

“Yes,” there isn’t a bit of remorse in her face, none at all. 

Maybe Hoseok is expecting something like this- something like this: “I thought if we broke you down, we might be able to remake you into something great”

“I didn’t need to be changed I just needed you to love me.”

 But there is none of that. It’s infuriating and it will bother him for years later but what Hoseok gets is this: 

“There wasn’t a reason, we were just bored and waiting for my father to give me the chance to transition.” transition into power or transition into an alpha? She doesn't clarify. She’s remorseless, nothing in her inflection indicates that she regrets what she did. 

“You weren’t the first.” 

Hoseok feels nauseous like he's going to be sick on the entryway floor. Hobi doesn’t respond and she leaves without a second glance behind her. Out of your lives for good. Leaving Hoseok standing there in the precipice of the door, watching her pull away from the house and staring at the empty driveway after she’s gone. He'll never see her again after today.

Namjoon gets up and opens up a window, clearing the house of her smell of peppermint.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until you dab your sleeve at his cheek. Yoongi at his front and you holding him from behind, keeping him together as he cries and cries and cries. Jimin puts himself between you two and the door, a knife that he'd tapped under the table in his hands.

Jungkook huffs. "Should have stabbed her when you had the chance Minnie."

Closure escapes him, just out of his fingers. Hoseok wants to run after her and demand an apology. But he doesn’t know what’s better, an apology that’s hollow or none at all. No one talks for a moment while they watch her car pull out of the driveway and leave. No one says a word. 

And then Jin gets up from the table and walks over to the kitchen. Namjoon follows him. Tae’s at the top of the steps, she’s changed her clothes from her PJs and washed off the scent blockers. Her hair hangs shaggy and messy over her glossy face, her bangs in a curly pink roller, and her skin pearly from her skincare.

She doesn’t smell distressed or upset. She doesn’t smell like anything at all but she’s wearing her favorite pink sweater. She comes close, runs her hands through Hobi's hair.

"I'll be fine, just give me a second I just need-"

"You cry for as long as you need to ho-baby."

"Yeah- cry as much as you want, use me as a napkin for all I care." your shirt is wet at the collar where Hobi burrows in.

Jin opens up the pack's liquor cabinet. Small and just to the side of the fridge. None of them really drink- but occasionally patients give Namjoon expensive bottles of whiskey for saving their lives. Jin pours himself a full glass of the most expensive bottle of it. No ice. He pours a second glass for Yoongi without asking.    It’s barely noon, but when he asks “who wants a drink?” Seven hands shoot up.

~-~

Please Like, Comment, and Reblog! Every bit of encouragement helps me write the next chapter!

Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

Series Masterlist ~ Donate ~ Twitter

~-~

Notes:

the very fist part of this chapter where hoseok and her are on the train was a part that i liked until final edits and then it felt??? idk??? clunky??? maybe a bit repetitive???? idk what it is and it's way too late to fix it T-T

this chapter is really an ode to what i originally thought of for bily, in the og version of this story yoongi was supposed to hate the m/c at the beginning for taking him away from the pack. i think his anger at the end is entirely justified- it's also like- his karma for leaving at the beginning you know? he might take it a bit too far in his reaction but tbh- i think we can cut him some slack for everything he's ever given to the m/c- all of the unconditional love.

i think that the train is like- a metaphor for getting better, or not getting better and keeping going on the reductive patterns that make you sick, because the things that make you feel better- like picking at a sticky scab- will only make you scar deeper. this is the last moment for the m/c, the moment she starts to heal for good.

the moment where hobi and the m/c are walking up to the car and yoongi is there i litterally see him puffing up like a studio ghibli charecter you know? or maybe like noodle whenever yoongi comes close.

honestly- the line where yoongi says that she doesn't love him like he loves her made me fucking sick when i wrote it like???? not me lowkey not giving them a happy ending. but i think that the part of bily thats always been fun to experiment with is how people sometimes people hurting you doesn't change how you feel about them.

did you catch the reasons wreched and divine refrence????

the line that yoongi says “Five? Ten? Sweetheart- I'd last ////5 minutes without you and you won't even look at me long enough too apologize and-" is very much a refrence to what hoseok says to yoongi at the begining of the series "You won’t even tell me now when I'm fucking dying over you, suffocating under the weight of things you just won’t say- and you don’t even care!” and i think thats pretty.

i think the yoongi parts will either make you guys feel vindicated or upset. i think it's up to you if he goes too far when he's angry- but i do think it's very human of him to get so angry like...the m/c is his whole fucking world...he will get over it! don't worry! he's just momentarily angry!

the part between when the pack call her and she arrifes felt really clunky while i was editing it, i decided not to take it down too much because i wanted you guys to feel some of their anticipation- but maybe it's too much. it's this kind of part that might get seriously paired down once i go back through bily and clean it up

"fuck this bitch"- noodle probably

noodle is like my favorite charecter i swear to god i love him so so much. i had the idea that he would be the only one to get some bloodletting in since the very begining of the series before he was ever written into the story. this is also the begining of them sorta being friends like- after this noodle is alot more tolerant of yoongi.

Moonbyul discloses that she has some pretty uncomfy views of being trans in this! i think it's pretty obvious that it's not meant to be like 'this is how all trans people are' and more of an effort to contrast tae- we are also talking like fake secondary genders here as well so- do with that what you will!

i also wanted to make the point with hobi and moonbyul's part at the end that sometimes the people who hurt you have no remorse, you don't get clousrure from them because they'll never admit that they shouldn't have done something. and the biggest closure that you can get is from giving yourself the strenght to let go. in a way- this directly contrasts the parts on the train in the begining. in order to heal a wound you have to stop touching it.

this chapter may feel like an ending in a sense because it is an end of all the mafia parts. truly- after this chapter we won't see any more violence or blood or anything close to the last 6. it's all happy endings from here <3 Thank you for sticking with it!

<3

[keefwho]

December 31 - 2022

9:36 AM

I slept in an hour to help make up for last night. I’m still tired but I guess I feel okay. I don’t know what I want to do today. Probably nothing creative. I kinda feel like doing literally anything as long as I pass the time. I just don’t want to stress about anything right now. Tomorrow I have yearly finance stuff to do and then it’s back to commissions like usual. I’m still being soy about getting commissions done. I can never do it on time and sometimes I don’t even do the whole 2 hours. I WILL do the whole 2 hours if I have to but if I get any amount ahead I tend to slack. There is no solution to this other than buckling down and getting it done. It sucks that it feels this big struggle I have to look forward to every day but it should get better. I used to feel like that about my anxiety too but I’ve made so much progress from when I first started doing something about it. 

11:17 AM

I’m sad that I tend to document sad times more than happy times. It’s because I want someone to reach out and help but that is never healthy for me to expect. Most of the time it makes me MORE sad because people either don’t take the hint or don’t think it’s their place to intervene. It’s not realistic of me to expect anyone to both know I’m sad and care enough to help. But I hate suffering in silence. Its probably for the best though. I’ll try to tone back the negative posting and focus on positive things more. I know myself in the future will appreciate looking back and reading about the things I enjoyed rather than only my troubles. 

The only thing I’ve enjoyed this morning is getting cozy and watching Bluey. I might lay in bed and watch other things, or play Earthbound maybe. Its a good day to pour hours into a game.

3:34 PM

Maybe for every negative thing I have to talk about, I can bring up something positive too. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and how I behave in relationships in general. I know I mold myself around others a lot, maybe too much. It’s hard to understand when I should stop fitting to them and let them fit to me. I have noticed that most of my friendships in the past can end up one sided. I give in too much doing whatever they want to do but seldom do they make the same sacrifice for me. I always do it out of kindness and I honestly enjoy taking part in other people’s interests. It hurts when whatever I want to do is frequently declined. At this point I think I’ve stopped bothering even considering it. I completely forget that doing what I want to do with others is even an options. It’s why I end up playing singleplayer games only. My brain has learned my interests must not be compatibly with basically anyone. I know thats not true but this is how I’ve become molded by experience. Its really hard to break out of mental beliefs like this. This one is very deeply engrained. 

I guess I’m also not sure who I am as an individual either because of this. Deep down I feel like I shouldn’t try to be myself because it clearly hasn’t work very well in the past. I’ve become aware of this and have been trying to figure out what I truly desire but it’s been a rocky path. I still really don’t know. 

On a positive note, my tummy isn’t acting up and I’ve been keeping myself busy working on this present. At first I projected that if I focused on only doing it today, I might actually be able to get it mostly done. That might have been realistic but I had to shower and eat and today is a good day to have mom try to scan me again. No matter what, my goal right now is to keep doing something so I don’t get trapped in my own head anymore. I guess this isn’t very positive but I feel like I’m in mental survival mode. Like if I don’t get to the bottom of what is causing me anguish, I will break down again eventually. 

7:11 PM

I’ve been depressed as fuck all day and of course now my tummy is acting up. I felt super okay all day now all of the sudden I’m in pain. It’ll probably just pass in a little bit but still. What the fuck. I really don’t want to be alive right now. No drink for me tonight I guess.

This seems unlikely to me but I was researching if vitamins can upset your stomach and there is a special kind of sugar they use that fucks with certain people. The vitamins I take have that sugar and I’m wondering if it could be contributing to my issues. I have noticed that for that week-ish period of my tummy being consistently abnormal, I was especially diligent about taking my vitamins. And the past few days which have been much more normal, I stopped taking them. I don’t know if it would kick in this fast but I had a vitamin with my lunch a few hours ago and now my stomach is hurting. I’m going to stop taking the vitamins for awhile. 

12:11 AM

I still don’t know why I get sad like this. I guess everything I’m unhappy about in my life all comes crashing down at once every now and then. It’s all too much to handle or chip away at so I get overwhelmed. 

In my pain I find my values, and as weird as it is to admit, I value love. I want love. I want to commit and be committed to. 

I want to believe my friends think about me as much as I think about them. I want to believe they would care if they didn’t hear from me for awhile, instead of forgetting me and moving on. 

I want to feel welcome and included which I can only do if I improve my empathy. 

I want to feel like I have a purpose. I need something to do that makes an impact to others. 

I want to be bold enough to take the time to do things I actually want to do instead of trying to “save energy” or put them off until later. 

These are the things I can think of that would make me immediately happy. I’m sad that I’m lacking in these things. Soon I’ll go back to masking it and being generally functional but until I meet these kinds of requirements, I’ll likely keep plummeting into fits of depression. 

I don’t have anything positive to say. I’m sad and I’ve been sad all day. I’m extremely worried about the future. I’m so fucking upset I spent today alone. I feel like a total loser. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I’m not cared for. No one invited me to anything. No one was around when I went asking. I’m just all by myself. 

[arent-i-the-fairest]

Could i possibly request hcs of the dorm leaders (or you can do the rest of the 1st years if its too much) of their progression of their crush on the prefect? Also love seeing a new gn only blog! Keep doing what you do! 💗

𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 (𝟐)

author’s note : omg anon, i’m so sorry this took so long for me to finish!!! this ask is ancient— but waaaa~! tysm for the kind words, dear~~!! ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

ace, deuce, and epel ver.

riddle rosehearts

initially, he was a bit wary of you; you’re friends with the two biggest troublemakers in his dorm, after all. but after seeing the three of you together one particular day, his interest in getting to know you more sparked. ace and deuce looking like they were about to get in some trouble, and you seemed to be trying to stop them— which confused him, because aren’t you a troublemaker too??

he comes to find you aren’t at all! and he’s ashamed in himself for making assumptions, because oh god, you’re so sweet?? fairly responsible (better than most of his dorm), funny, just all around likable!

soon enough, what he called a “small liking” to you quickly became a big big big crush as he got to know you even more~!

the sound of chatter took your attention away from the book you were reading. curious as to what the commotion was, you snuck over to the source of the sound— and lo and behold, it was riddle and a couple of students.

the same students you told earlier to brew and serve riddle black tea, when it was in fact supposed to be herbal tea. (not that you knew.)

“now, care to explain why you made the mistake you did?” riddle asked. “… cause the ramshackle prefect told us to—” “hmph! pinning the blame on them, are you?” riddle grumbled, raising his magic pen.

oh boy. emerging from your hiding place, you gave a little shout to grab their attention. “uhm— they’re in the right here. it was my fault.” you sheepishly admitted. “sorry, i should’ve read up on the rules.”

“they’re the ones in the dorm, they should have read up on the rules! in fact, they should have already known!” he argued. “there must still be punishment, i’m afraid.” you let out a sigh, giving the students an apologetic look. riddle’s expression softened for a moment, and you heard him mutter something.

“hm? did you say something, riddle?” “… i said ‘nevermind’. just don’t let this happen again.”

leona kingscholar

falling in love with you was a rollercoaster of emotions for him. at first, he found you annoying because it’s leona. of course he’s gonna find you irritating, just like he does with everyone else. but he realizes you’re… a pretty nice herbivore— still annoying though, don’t get him wrong!

but after spending lots of time with you (something he never knew he’d be okay with), it started the road to where he is now. one night, he’s laying in bed, tired. thinking about you. and suddenly, he’s wondering why lately he’s been finding you less annoying and more attractive. with that, he’s wide awake— has he?? fallen in love with a herbivore???

after being in some serious denial for like a week, trying to convince himself that no, he did not fall in love with you; he just huffs and accepts it. kind of. (he’s kind of mad about it.)

“the one time i’m willing to do some work, you aren’t?” leona huffed, tossing aside his pen and leaning back on his pillow. you took a moment to stop fanning yourself to glare at him.

“well, i’m sorry you chose for us to work in savanaclaw— one of the warmest places on campus! you know i don’t do well with heat!” you groaned, wiping sweat off your forehead. “i can hardly focus on anything other than the fact that i feel like i’m being roasted alive.”

“god, use your brain.” leona snickered. “there’s an obvious solution to your problem here. just take off your cloth—” he recoiled as he felt a slap on his face.

“.. i was just kidding.” he sighed, holding his now stinging cheek.

azul ashengrotto

ooh, you two kind of got off on the wrong foot— you didn’t really like him, as he did kinda-sorta scam some of your closest friends and take your dorm for a while. and was quite unapologetic about it.

things only started to change later when floyd tried making you two become friends; and wanting to appease floyd, you went along with it. it was looking unsuccessful at first— but surprisingly, things took a pleasant turn, and you actually got closer! he apologized for everything he did (though you couldn’t really tell if he was completely sorry) and you forgave him.

fast-forward a couple weeks in time, and your relationship has improved greatly. so greatly, he’s locked himself up in his office— face buried in his hands, heart beating quickly, and mind racing thinking about you.

“i can’t imagine how much of a wreck i look like right now.” azul sighed to himself, sitting up straight and looking at all the unfinished papers scattered across his desk. “look at me, allowing them to affect my work like this.”

if anyone ever told past-azul he’d be the lovesick type, he wouldn’t believe them. but here he is now. can anyone blame him though? everything about you is just so— gah, words can’t describe it! he could go on forever, but—

a loud knock nearly made him jump out of his seat. “hey boss! you’ve got someone interested in a contract~!” floyd shouted before running off. adjusting his coat, azul sighed. “i’ve got to get a grip.”

kalim al-asim

he developed a crush on you so fast! like, i’m talking caught and realized his feelings in just a week fast. but he did kinda spend almost every waking hour thinking about this (that’s not an exaggeration), so maybe that makes up for it. but let’s run through it!

day one— you meet, and it’s an instant friendship. day two. so much hanging out. he loves it! and you, but shh, he doesn’t realize that yet~! day three. more hanging out, but today, he’s curious why he feels so different around you than he does his other friends. day four. he consults his club-mates about his thoughts, and they suggest that he might have feelings for you. and he goes, “woahhh no way! that’s crazy, me ‘n them are just friends”

but right afterwards, on day five, he’s like “oh….. maybe they were onto something”— and he kept on getting distracted all day thinking about it. explains why he seemed so off that day. day six, he’s squealing because omg!!! he’s got a crush!! that’s so exciting!!!! and here comes day seven, where he’s officially labeled you as the love of his life.

“jamiiil! is one week too quick to decide you’re in love with someone?” kalim asked for, like, the fourth time on this day alone.

resisting the urge to groan, jamil just started sweeping the floor faster so that he could finish and get out of the room, then go and tend to other chores— alone. with no more repetitive questions from kalim.

“well, personally, i belie—” “yeah, it isn’t, right? that’s what i think too!” kalim grinned. “or.. maybe it has been too short of time to tell. gah, i don’t know!” he sighed, hitting his forehead against the table.

“lots of my friends have been telling me it is, but you know what, jamil?” dead silence from jamil. “i think they’re wrong. i trust my feelings! i can say with confidence that i’m in love with them!”

vil schoenheit

changing the pace from kalim— it took him forever to develop and realize his feelings for you. (vil prefers to really take his time with things like this!)

but it took you guys so long to even talk for the first time. you acknowledged each other before then, sure! he knew you, he’s seen you running around, and you knew him since he’s a dorm leader. and a model. and an actor. but neither of you ever really found the need to talk— there was no interest to.

but things changed once vdc came along. since vil was going to be staying in your dorm for a while, you found it fit to try and get along— and it was pretty rough. but hey, things got better, and you two had something going!

after a (long) while, he grew to quite like your company~ and you as a whole. it’s likely you’ll be getting a confession soon, now that he’s really thought his feelings through!

“done!” you grin, pushing aside all the brushes you used to apply vil’s makeup. you took a step back and looked at the finished product— only to realize it was not your best work. yikes.

“this better look good, dear. i won’t be very pleased if my products went to waste.” he tsked, grabbing his handheld mirror. you held your breath as you watched him look at himself from different angles, his face scrunching up.

“seems you didn’t apply the foundation evenly— and the way you blended the eyeshadow looks rather… muddy. didn’t i also tell you not to use too much blush?” vil huffed as he grabbed some makeup remover wipes.

“i’ll wash this off and we’ll start again. this time, i’ll guide you on each step. and by the way, i’d prefer for you to stand a little closer to me.” “w-wha—?” “if you do, you’ll be able to see what you’re doing better.”

idia shroud

he wasn’t expecting for azul to introduce him to you, the board game club’s newest member— and he definitely wasn’t expecting to develop a crush on you.

truthfully, you irritated him at first. you always went out of your way to talk to him, even thought you know he’s an awkward introvert— how cruel can you be? the conversations were always extremely one sided and he would be begging for you to take a hint in his head. but for some reason, he felt like you were growing on him.

when he finally became more comfortable, he started engaging in your conversations more. that was when things really hit off. he was excited to see you actually showing interest in the things he liked, and he enjoyed learning more about you— soon; he even started inviting you over to his room. (which by the way, that? that is like, the biggest sign you can get from him that he likes you.)

“you really haven’t seen this anime yet?” you shook your head and he started giggling to himself. “hehehee! nor~mieee.” he mocked, pointing a finger at you.

“idia, that anime is super obscure— you’re probably the only one who’s seen it!” “ahem, me and ortho.” he corrected. “but we can make it 3 people who’ve watched it.” he said, clicking on the show. “only 1 season, 12 episodes long. wanna binge watch it?”

“… it’s almost midnight, by the time we’re done, it’s gonna be about 5 in the morning.”

“and?” he smirked and you shook your head, finally giving in. “sometimes i wonder if you care about academics at all.” you sighed, scooting up beside him. “alright, i’ll watch it with you.”

malleus draconia

similar to canon, he found himself interested in you when you showed no fear whatsoever towards him. it’s strange enough to him you have no clue who he is, but know him or not, he usually has people cowering before him with his aura alone.

but a friendship formed, and he started caught feelings very early. and man, was it intense! it all just hit him at once— but those feelings strengthened when you happened to find out he wasn’t this normal “tsunotarou” (or hornton, as twst en would say) guy but malleus draconia. and you weren’t scared— in fact, you didn’t care at all!! he was ecstatic!!

he treasures his relationship with you so greatly, he’s so happy that there’s someone who treats him like… just a regular guy, which sounds strange— what i mean is that you don’t fear him or put him on this crazy high pedestal. you two just hang out and vibe with his tamagotchi (gaogao drakon <33) like pals (sooner or later, lovers) do.

you blew at your cup of steaming hot tea, trying your best to ignore malleus’ staring. he seemed deep in thought, and while you felt bad for breaking his train of thought, you couldn’t bear another second of this uncomfortable silence.

“you, ah, seem like you have something on your mind. do you wanna talk about it?” you asked, snapping him out of his trance.

he gave you a soft smile. “it’s nothing to worry about. i was just thinking of our friendship.” surprised, your grip on your teacups handle loosened a bit, making you spill some of the drink on the table.

“oh— sorry, sorry!” you gasped, grabbing some napkins. “you just caught me by surprise. i never took you as the sentimental type, mal!” but when you looked up at him, he was already off deep in thought once again.