#Murph monologues

[throatofdelusionincarnate]

Honeybee

Horror! Sans x Reader Oneshot

Here’s a little self indulgent crap from me to you because I cannot get my mind off of Horror Sans lately :)

Might be posted to AO3 later under the same username throatofdelusionincarnate

Word Count - 2,478

—

The soft grumble of thunder draws you from your sleep. You turn, glancing at the clock on the bedside table and blink a few times. Six thirty. On a Saturday. You rub your eyes and sigh. Soft rain patters against the window of your apartment and beside you Sans slumbers on.

You watch his large chest rise and fall for a moment. When you first got together, you thought it was a choice he consciously made. Something to make him seem more human. Though, after months together, you had realized it was just something he did. Perhaps it serves a purpose, pumping magic through his body as yours does blood. Or maybe it’s just a subconscious habit that he’s picked up. Either way, his large breaths comfort you.

Gently, you place a hand on his skull, just directly under the large wound that decorates the top of his head, and stroke his cheek with your thumb.

You won’t be able to go back to sleep, not with the growing thunderstorm outside. Still, there’s no reason to wake him up. You know how difficult it is for him to sleep, and you’d prefer that he gets the rest he needs. You can entertain yourself for a couple of hours.

You lean forward and place a chaste kiss on his brow bone. He stirs for a moment, then returns to his rest, a stifled snore escaping. A small laugh leaves you and after one final peck on his nasal cavity you swing your legs over the bed.

The apartment is cold, per usual, and goosebumps climb up your legs before spreading to your arms, then tips of your fingers. You shuffle towards the closet, each step feeling like ice beneath your feet.

You disappear inside the small walk-in, shutting the door before turning on the light. The sudden brightness causes you to squint, and for a moment you only stand there, adjusting to the feeling of being awake.

Once you can finally see, you rummage through your clothing for pants and some socks. You slip on a pair of very loved sweatpants, tying them at the waist so they don’t fall down. Then, you perform your best balancing act as you put on your socks. Regrettably, you roll the sweatpants over them, hiding the bacon decal and the phrase “make today sizzle!”

After your legs and feet are successfully bundled up, you turn to Sans’s stash of clothing and grab out a comically large grey sweatshirt with red lettering that says “BAD TO THE BONE” on it. You slip it over your pj shirt, allowing the hem to hang just above your knees. You swim through the sleeves for a moment before your hands emerge and you can push the cuffs to sit at your wrist.

You shut off the closet light then stumble out of the dark bedroom as Sans continues to softly snore.

The world is quiet save for the interspersed roll of thunder. So long as you’re up, you might as well make some breakfast. By the time you finish Sans will most likely be awake. His rest comes in short bursts.

If you remember correctly he crawled into bed at two last night. Four hours is longer than he normally sleeps, but the rain does tend to make him more tired than usual.

You pull your phone out of your pocket and click on the music app and press shuffle. A soft song radiates from the speaker and you leave the phone propped up on the counter to play as you cook.

Slowly, you collect your ingredients, settling for pancakes and bacon. You hum along to the song, whisking pancake mix together with milk, extra vanilla, and a dash of orange juice.

The rain grows heavier outside, pounding against the kitchen window. The occasional streak of lighting brightens the room before thunder overtakes it.

You pry open the package of bacon and set a few slices in the pan, watching them curl and sizzle against the heat.

Thunder booms and you jump as a large set of arms are folded around your waist.

“m’ sorry. didn't mean to scare you.” You settle into the grip, looking up to see Sans standing over you.

A small laugh spills from you. “The thunder startled me, though I still can’t get over how quiet you walk.” He leans his head down and you press a quick kiss to his teeth. “Did I wake you?”

He straightens back up and shakes his head. “nah, storm got loud. slept for too long anyways.”

Gently, the two of you begin to sway. He rests his skull on top of your head. You pull an arm free to grab a fork then flip the bacon over to let the other side darken. “Ah yes, because five hours is such a crazy amount of time to sleep.”

Sans just hums in response. The two of you will probably end up on the couch today, so you’re almost certain that Sans will get another couple hours of sleep. You might sneak in a little nap yourself. The rain is definitely making you drowsy despite just having woken up.

“Chocolate chips in your pancakes?” You ask, pulling out the bacon and setting it on a paper towel-lined plate.

“you know me so well,” he rumbles above you.

“I should hope so,” you grab a small measuring cup and dip it into the batter, then pour it onto the pan to cool. “We’ve been dating for almost a year now. I’d be a poor partner if I didn’t know how you liked your pancakes,” You pour more batter into the pan.

“You’re gonna have to let me go if you want chocolate chips.”

“or we could awkwardly shuffle over to the cabinet together.” Sans offers.

You roll your eyes and tap on his arm, “C’mon big guy, let go.”

A small gasp escapes you as you're lifted off your feet. Sans cradles you, a large grin on his face. “hmm… don’t think I will.”

You squirm a bit in his grasp, giving him a playful glare. “Sans the pancakes are going to burn.”

“i like mine a little crispy anyways.” He says.

“Well i don't!”

He shrugs, red eyes tracing over your features. “i ‘spose i can be persuaded… if ya got something good to offer in exchange for your freedom.”

“How about a not-charred breakfast?” You answer.

“tempting, but i might need a bit more. inflation is crazy right now.”

You sputter under his gaze. “You’re unbelievable!”

Though despite your protests, you stretch upwards, pressing your lips to his teeth. Sans returns the gesture, melting into you before pulling away. “There, now can I flip the pancakes?”

“m’ afraid you forgot tax.”

“Oh my god,” you deadpan. “How do you stay open with these business practices?” This time, you reach your hands up and pull his skull to you. Your nose presses against his cheek and you nuzzle him.

“what can i say,” Sans beams, red eye blown out and a light blush on his face. “my customers are very loyal.”

Finally he sets you down, though one hand still holds yours. “No accounting for taste,” you say, giving his fingers a quick squeeze before letting go.

Sans lingers, turning to lean against the counter as you grab chocolate chips. You scurry back to the pan and open up the bag before sprinkling the chocolate all over the pancakes. Then, you grab a spatula and flip them.

The tops are a very dark brown, verging on black. “These are yours,” you declare, nudging Sans with your hip.

He shrugs, “m’ not picky.”

You smile, “Yea I know. You’re my big cuddly garbage disposal.”

“who else is gonna eat the tomatoes off your burgs?” Sans’s hand sneaks forward, slipping into the bag of chocolate chips. He pulls out a small handful and tosses them into his mouth.

Playfully, you swat at him. “We’re not gonna have enough for the pancakes if you eat all of them.”

He ignores you, and grabs a single chip out. Sans makes eye contact with you, and you silently return it, daring him to. He does. With a self-satisfied grin he pops it into his mouth.

“You little shit!” You exclaim, snatching the bag up and setting it on the opposite side of you, away from his reach.

“awhhh c’mon hun,” he attempts to reach over you but you place your full weight against him to keep him back. You know he can easily move you if he wants to, but this is just play. Plus, he enjoys letting you win. “it’s just a few chocolate chips, i ain’t hurtin’ anyone.”

“I would like some in my pancakes,” you huff. “Once I’m done with them you can have as many as you wang.” You let up on the pressure and grab the spatula, putting the two slightly burnt pancakes on a plate. Gently, you push it into Sans’s hands. “Go butter these, hm?”

He sighs, “making me do manual labor this early in the morning? butter be grateful you’re cute.”

You snort, “Awh, you’re making me melt.”

“heh, good one. this is why you’re my butter half.”

Sans moves past you, plate in hand. As he crosses, you can see a skeletal hand try to reach into the bag. You gasp, and slam your hand down on the opening just before Sans can steal anymore chocolate.

“my genius plan, thwarted.”

“Butter luck next time,” you grin, hand still over the bag.

He chuckles, “you might’ve won for now, but I’m gonna get that chocolate eventually.”

He walks to the table, stopping quickly to grab a knife from the silverware drawer, then sets to work on doctoring up his pancakes.

With him gone you whip up a couple more batches, saving a generous handful of chocolate chips for Sans. The lull of rain and music settles you after your playful banter and you find yourself lightly humming along as you gather various accouterments for your meal.

You set the plate of pancakes in front of Sans and he gets to work on buttering those while you travel back and forth from the kitchen. You bring out the bacon, whip cream, syrup, and then two glasses with a couple juice options.

Finally, you settle in your seat across from Sans. He offers you the plate of pancakes first, knowing that you’ll take whatever you want and then he can have the rest.

You take two of the six and stack them on your plate before handing it back to Sans. Then you grab a couple of slices of bacon before sliding that over too. He eyes food and grabs the syrup, dousing his plate with it.

“Oh!” You exclaim, standing up. He lifts his gaze curiously as you dart back into the kitchen, grabbing the remaining chocolate chips. You set the bag in front of him. “For you!”

Sans smiles, pouring out a couple, “thanks hun.” He reaches across the table and gingerly arranges them in a small smiley on your pancakes.

You grin down at the happy looking face, “I hate to destroy such a cute gesture.”

“here lemme help,” Sans plucks one of the eyes off and eats it.

“Hey!” You protest playfully, reaching over to nab one of his chocolate chips. “There. We’re even.”

“‘spose we are,” He beams. “eat your food before it gets cold.”

You don’t have to be told twice. The two of you tuck into breakfast, a comfortable silence overtaking the room as you both enjoy the meal before you.

The constant rumble of thunder keeps you company as you finish up. Sans stands first, having finished his large plate of food, and grabs the serving dishes to take them to the sink. You stay behind, a bit slower at eating, and finish your food. Once done, you stand and bring your dirty dishes to the kitchen.

“you can just leave ‘em in the sink.’ He offers.

You nod, setting the dishes in the sink, then reach around to grab the washcloth. Gently, you nudge him to the side so you can wet the fabric down. You squeeze out any excess water and move back out of Sans’s way.

Quickly, you start the music back up and begin to wipe down the counters. A smooth voice comes out of the speakers as “Honeybee” by The Steam Powered Giraffes begins to play.

As you clean off the counters, removing any specks of flour and grease, you sing along. Behind you, Sans also begins to hum. You smile to yourself, enjoying the rasp of his deep baritone.

Everything is a peaceful, perfectly curated mix of noises that comforts you.

The sink shuts off and the clatter of dishes stops. Large arms squeeze your waist then spin you around to face them.

You look up at Sans, washcloth still in hand, and arch a brow. He removes the cloth from your grasp and replaces it with his hand, his smooth bony fingers enveloping yours.

His other hand stays at your waist and the two of you begin to sway. You get the hint and place your free hand on his chest, not quite tall enough to comfortably reach his shoulder.

Sans’s wide eye doesn’t leave you, and his usual expression melts into something akin to fondness.

“You didn’t have to smile at me, your grin’s the sweetest that I’ve ever seen. But you did. Yes, you did.” You sing softly as the two of you hold each other.

He brings your hand up to his teeth, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. You practically become a puddle. Your head rests on his chest, cheek pressing firmly into his shirt. His smell envelops you. It’s chalky and tinged with blood, but you don’t mind.

The two of you had made peace with his gory past long ago. Survival isn’t pretty, but in the face of starvation one does what must be done. Now, all you can do is keep him full and offer comfort and affection when he has a difficult day.

“you didn’t have to offer your hand. ‘cause since i’ve kissed it, i’m at your command. but you did.”

The world around you seems to disappear, and you cling to him, savoring the rumble that reverberates through his soul when he sings.

“set me free, my honeybee.”

As the storm rages outside, you and Sans remain. You know that neither of your lives have been perfect. His, less so than most. But in this moment, you’re grateful for everything that brought you together. You’re grateful for burnt pancakes and stolen chocolate chips; for thunderstorms and way too early mornings. You’re grateful that you get to call Sans yours.

Hello goodbye, I’m rather crazy, and I never thought I was crazy.

But what do I know?

I let myself go.

[chompe-diem]

hey. don't cry. audible smile in brian murphy's voice when he says "...but it's good when your friends look out for you" ok?

[dacuslucy]

theres something tragic about tumblr mutuals because i got a new perfume today and no matter how many times i describe it or send pictures they'll never know what it smells like. so

[writeitinsharpie]

personally i think dimension 20 should have an april fools episode where they just switch around characters and don’t explain it

[jennegatron]

best part of time quangle ep 3 is murph doing his monologue about how many great things are coming for the party while gilear's hog just looms over his shoulder in frame

[operationslipperypuppet]

Top 5 Poignant Jake Lines?

This was hard as hell and that’s why it took me so long. I’m so sorry it took this long!!

“Tell me your feelings and I’ll tell you I need you.” So yes, this is from a short rest. And is just an off handed comment. But it’s kinda so perfect. And such a gut punch in general.

“I just care about finishing what Zirk started now.” God that whole final exchange between Hank and Fia is beautiful. Emily’s crying. Caldwell is crying. Murph is crying. I’m crying. You’re crying. And then Hank succeeds. And breaks the curse. It’s more simple and poignant bc of the implications but it gets me every time.

“I think we’ll see each other just when we need it most. Just like we did this time.” Hardwon coming into his own as a wise old man from the Crick is something that can be so personal. And this is such a beautiful send off for him from c3.

“And he realizes that the only thing he can do is to keep on fighting, just like the generations and the generations before.” This is an inner monologue moment but I’m truly never going to be over the last 40 minutes of Lord Ultrus (3x45). And this cuts so deep because time and time again, that’s all Hardwon could do. So of course it’s what he’s doing. Hardwon keeps swinging.

“I never cared about being a giant. I never cared about greatness. I just cared about making myself useful.” The sacrifice of Crown of Dreams. The vulnerability of Calder to someone who will be his captor for weeks. In some ways Calder is always a younger brother who has been sheltered wanting to take a chance to be known. And this is kind of perfectly that.

[chilipotpeeps]

zac and murph asking if ally was making a mighty ducks reference followed by emily laughing reminded me of when she recited the entire mighty ducks 3 monologue at the top of a naddpod episode

[ficnation]

Chapter 1

Series: The Cockroach Word count: 2,3k+ Pairings: Negan Smith x Reader; Lucille Smith x Reader; Negan Smith x Lucille Smith Warnings: cheating, mentions of cancer, usual twd themes A/n: Hi! Just posting lil finished something for you while I work on all of my other wips. Enjoy! If you're not on the taglist but would like to be tagged let me know!

Full Masterlist

“The Cockroach” Masterlist

NEXT CHAPTER

“He’s getting on my nerves, hun. Ugh, he’s just so infuriating but for some reason, I still can’t give up on him,” Lucille grumbled, and you could hear her restless footsteps on the other side of the phone.

You chuckled at her words but immediately bit your lower lip to muffle it when she snapped at you that it wasn’t funny at all.

You were at a point where you had no idea what advice you could give her in that matter. You were no marriage expert. But you were a good friend, so you listened through her hours-long monologues about her husband and butted in when you could to reassure her. She deserved more than Negan could ever give her because that guy gave her nothing but headaches.

“Maybe it’s just his charm,” you threw in, shrugging your shoulders even though you knew she couldn’t see it.

“Well, I wish this charm of his stopped working on me. Fuck, it’s just as if we’re speaking different languages. I tell him that we’re struggling with money and he goes on with his life spending 600$ for a fucking leather jacket! I just can’t believe it,” she complained, groaning at the memory of their latest fight.

“What an asshole,” Murphy spoke out loud from his place beside you on the couch, his ear pressed to the other side of the phone so he could listen in on the gossip.

You shushed him with clenched teeth, swatting at his arm. He promised you beforehand that he was going to be quiet if he wanted to listen in and keep you company, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut like always. Annoying bastard.

“Yeah, you could say that. Hi, Murphy.” Lucille laughed on the other side of the line. It didn’t bother her anymore that your friend was so invested in her life’s latest gossip and drama.

“Hello, darling,” the man greeted her back, yanking the cell phone out of your hand. He ignored your loud protests, standing up from the couch so you couldn’t reach for the device. “You know what, you should totally leave that douchebag and go on a date with me,” he joked, a proud grin on his face.

“Murph, not to burst your bubble but you’re also an asshole. Don’t think it would be a huge improvement for her.” You stuck out your tongue at him before jumping up to your feet and grabbing the phone out of his hand.

The man in front of you pretended to be offended by your comment, clutching his chest theatrically. “Take that back!”

You rushed over to the bathroom and locked yourself in for some peace and quiet. Murphy groaned from the other room so loudly that you could hear him through the walls. You laughed at that. He was just like an overgrown child.

“Is he gone?”

“Yeah, he started getting on my nerves,” you admitted, biting your finger in thought. “You deserve so much more, Lucy. It saddens me to hear how he treats you.”

“I just… I can’t leave him. I know that somewhere inside there he is still the sweet man I fell in love with.” You could hear your friend’s voice breaking on the other side of the line, and you had a feeling that tears were already streaming down her face.

Lucille was the strongest woman you’ve ever known, and you admired her so much for it. But everyone has a breaking point where they lose all hope and feel like everything around them is falling apart. You were afraid that your friend had just reached that point in her life. It broke your heart to even think about it and imagine what she was going through.

“Try talking to him, Lucy. You’re both adults, even though sometimes, or most of the time, it feels like you’re the only grown person in this marriage. Words can change so much, sweets. Just try one more time. Don’t leave it like it is,” you encouraged her, hoping that your words would give her at least a little bit of hope. You knew she hated giving up, even when it compromised her well-being; she was stubborn like that.

The woman sniffled into the microphone, making you sigh in sadness. You wanted to hug her and make it all better, but you knew you didn’t hold power like that in your hands. What you could do, though, was distract her, but you weren’t sure if she was in the mood for it.

“Tell you what, how about you come over for dinner and a sleepover tomorrow? Just a little break from it all.” You pinched your arm and waited for her to respond, hoping she would agree to it. You missed her so much.

There was a long pause on the other end before Lucy sighed. You already knew her answer was going to be negative. Scratching your arm, you cursed yourself in your head. You got your hopes up, like always.

“I wish I could, hun, but I have an MRI tomorrow,” she reminded you; you could hear her nails tapping on the counter nervously.

“Shit, it’s already tomorrow? Will he pick you up?” The concern was evident in your voice. You waited for her response with bated breath.

“I haven’t asked him yet, but I know he will. After making me so mad, he knows he needs to make it up to me somehow.” She chuckled, trying to brighten up the mood of the conversation. It worked just a little more than you allowed yourself to admit.

“He has no other choice now.” You smiled slightly to yourself before another negative thought popped up in your head. What if he doesn’t show up? No, you couldn’t think like that. Lucy was right; he had to make it up to her somehow.

“But… If he doesn’t—”

The woman cut you off confidently, “He will. No buts.”

“Lucille, seriously. If he doesn’t, and god I hope he’s not that fucking dumb, but if he doesn’t go with you or pick you up, you call me immediately. I will run there for you if I have to.”

“You’re too sweet to me, hun.”

“Only to you, Lucy.”

The next day you couldn’t sit still for more than five minutes. With your cell phone always pressed into your palm, you waited impatiently. At this point, you didn’t care about whether Negan showed up; you just wanted to hear from her that she was healthy and they didn’t find anything unsettling in the scans.

Around the evening, you heard knocking on your door. At first, you assumed it was Murphy coming over to annoy you for the hundredth time that day, but he had keys. He’d just let himself in without a second thought, and he’d make a lot more noise than that, screaming your name and telling you all about his day before he even knew whether you were home or not.

You looked through the judas, and you had to do a double take because you didn’t expect at all to see the familiar green-eyed woman standing on the other side of the door. You quickly unlocked it with trembling hands. 

“Lucy, what are you doing here?” you asked when the door no longer shielded you from her.

“Is that dinner and sleepover proposal still on the table?” your friend asked with tears streaming down her face. Even the smudged mascara on the top of her cheeks and the messy hair on her head didn’t make her look less angelic. 

“Of course it is,” you assured, looking her up and down in concern.

Lucille threw her arms around you and burst into sobs. Her shaking body pressed tightly against yours; she needed to feel that you were truly there for her. She just needed someone to care, to be there for her without her having to beg for it.

You could almost hear your heart breaking into million pieces in your chest. You weren’t sure whether Lucille’s presence at your door meant something had happened between her and Negan or that the doctors had found something in the scans. But you cried for her all the same, pulling her into the apartment and kicking the door closed with your foot.

The both of you stood in the middle of the hallway, embraced and in tears for long minutes that felt almost like hours before you managed to calm down enough to lead Lucy towards the couch. You helped her sit down but didn’t let her go even for a second, sticking to her side like glue.

You waited patiently for her to start the conversation herself, no questions asked. Nothing was more important to you than making her feel safe and cared for. You weren’t in a hurry and didn’t want to rush her into something she wasn’t ready for. 

After some time, she mustered the strength to speak up, “Thank you for being here for me.” Her voice sounded hoarse, and you could only imagine how much pain her mind had to endure today.

You hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. “Anytime, Lucy, anytime. You know that.”

Lucille sniffled, trying to regain control of herself before she sat up straight again and faced you. She played nervously with the hem of your shirt while you raised your sleeve to swipe over her moist cheeks, her mascara leaving smudged stains on the blue fabric.

“Did they find anything strange in the scans?” you asked gently, holding her hand in yours and running your fingers over her knuckles.

Her face fell once again. Lucille nodded and then buried her face into the crook of your neck. She sobbed in anguish, not knowing how to stop the tears from escaping her eyes. Every cry that wracked her frame pierced your heart. You wanted to take all that pain away from her or even just a part of it so she wouldn’t feel so alone in that battle. 

Your mind was whirling with questions, but you said nothing. It was all that mattered at the moment to be patient and be there for her. She needed you more than ever. After all, that’s what friends did, right? They supported each other no matter how hard it could be.

You didn’t know how much time had passed before Lucy calmed down and sat up again. Her nose was still red, but she stopped crying. Your hand caressed her messy hair, twirling the random strands between your fingers. You hoped your touch could help her focus on the world outside her mind. 

“I have cancer,” she whispered, barely able to look you in the eye.

Your blood turned cold. You’d been expecting something horrible, but this? This was worse than any possible thing you’d considered in your head. You swallowed hard and took in a shaky breath. So many questions raced through your mind that processing them took you a minute. In the end, the only word that came out of your mouth was, “What?”

It seemed to be all she needed to tell you because her shoulders soon shook again. You reached out, put an arm around your friend, and pressed her head to your collarbone as she dissolved into more tears. And just like that, you lost it too.

You had no idea what you could say to reassure her about the future. How could you tell her that everything will be alright without knowing for sure? You would never lie to her.

All you knew was that you loved her. And it wasn’t going away; you weren’t going away. That realization sent your whole world crashing down. But you held her tight and rocked back and forth, trying to console her. For her sake, and yours, you had to remain strong. 

You made spaghetti for dinner while Lucy lit up a few incense sticks and candles around your living room, something that always made her feel a little more at peace. She settled down on the couch, wrapping herself in one of the blankets that was carelessly thrown over the backrest. It was her favorite one, made out of thick wool with little pink strawberries embroidered all over the green fabric.

You watched her through the doorway as she slumped down against the couch and pulled the blanket up to press it against her cheek, always amazed by its softness. The corner of your mouth quirked up slightly at the sight. 

When you finished cooking, you grabbed two forks and jumped onto the couch, sitting down next to Lucille. You handed her one of the plates, kissing her cheek softly and dropping the remote on her lap. Without a complaint, you let her choose every movie you watched that night, making sure she was busy deciding whether she was in the mood to watch a horror or a comedy, too occupied to let the dark thoughts overwhelm her.

The next day when Lucille returned home, she had no more tears left in her. She left all of her pained cries and the uncertainties swimming around her head at your apartment. You had listened to her yesterday for long hours, staying up till the sunshine slipped in through the blinds. You let her get everything off her chest and offered comfort without expecting anything back. 

But she kept a few pieces of information for herself, away from your reach. She didn’t tell you that Negan was fucking her friend Janine and that he lied to her, saying he was “too busy” to pick her up from the clinic. She didn’t want you storming into her house, ready to choke him to death and make him regret being born. Lucille wanted to deal with it herself. Her own way.

@whiskeypowder @hopefulatrocity @witheringblooddemon @humanmistakes @yttricuz @twdeadlysins @donttelltheelff @spidergirla5 @sexyseabass @sweetpotatospock @witchygagirl @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @hopefulatrocity

[wlwdisasterr]

emily when murph is making his barry monologue in the starstruck finale <3

[an-honest-puck]

Prompocalypse (Ep. 16) highlights and viewing notes because I don’t have the time to liveblog while watching but I do have thoughts that I will complete some other time lol

spoilers ahoy!!!

nothing like the power of a teen girl/tiefling's catty sarcasm to completely undermine a villain's monologue (shoutout to the d20 sound crew for the perfect music and timing on that one!!)

Gorgug learns about a new way of disarming people: kissing them

"Stop outing students!"

"I'M GAY NOW WOO"

Lou turning his adding-up-dice-humming into the first notes of 'Amazing Grace' that Zac immediately picks up on and starts swaying along

Brennan's gentle "yeah" when Siobhan admits to having a question that will be bad for the party, but also that she wants to play the game right

even more spoilery spoilers below!

Lou giving Siobhan a thumbs up after the above question

the fact that Goldenrod finds the need to justify to a bunch of teenagers that he's attacking this student because he's just an evil demon and not because said student is gay

Riz yelling "HOMOPHOBE!" at an honest-to-goodness dragon

"To be clear, I am very socially liberal; I am fiscally conservative!" + everyone's reaction to that (shoutout to Zac's very judgemental head tilt XD)

Brennan saying "I am a libertarian!" in Goldenrod's 'teacher' voice and then growling it again straight afterwards, as if Goldenrod just remembered he was a big-ass dragon XD

not Beardsley's "So convenient for you!" lmaoooo

Goldenrod: What? Everyone should be free to do what they want. I should be free to collect gold and destroy, and you should be free to try and run away! This is a cultured political philosophy!

Ally/Kristen: I'm down from hearing that [and not from his actual attack XD]

Brennan: *describing the gnarly metal music Gorgug's listening to*

Zac: *drops his dice*

"Ooh, beignets!"

the little grin on Brennan's face when he rolls the dice and then A WILD JAWBONE APPEARS!!!!!!!!!!

Jawbone hugs!!!!!! 😭

Jawbone: Y'understand me?

Adaine: No!

Jawbone's monologue about panic attacks which is too much to unpack here and is basically a whole post in and of itself

Brennan: *mentions Tracker*

Ally/Kristen: Tracker!

Jawbone: I CAME HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP and help children

"Jawbone rules! I'm so glad we helped get his life together"

Introducing, Jawbone: Not a Healer, but a healer of the mind and the soul uwu

Adaine (but mostly Siobhan lol): I would love to do an arcana check... on this absolute fucking unit

Adaine just double flipping off an honest-to-goodness dragon

Kalvaxus: Aren't you supposed to be some kind of high-falutin' elf?

Adaine: I'm a child. You are attacking a bunch of children, you coward.

Fig: Be careful, Adaine; he has a taste for the young ones

Adaine: I have a mental illness and that's fine!

Kalvaxus: Alright, let's not turn this into a fucking PSA after-school special bullshit

Emily's big brain idea to seal Kalvaxus to be the next lunchlad and promote Gilear to be the new VP

Lou's sick-of-Brennan's-shit "Is it [Kalvaxus's] turn?"

Kalvaxus, an honest-to-goodness dragon and the Emperor of the Red Waste: Teens are so mean!

Kristen, mockingly: "Stop making fun of me!"

Adaine: Yeah well at least we're not ugly!

Adaine's happy bobbing!!!!! :DD

"This medicine is great! :D"

Gorgug's Nat 20 (!!!) to summon GORTHOLAX!!!!!

"IT'S TIME TO SHRED, BABY!!!"

Penelope, dying: All I wanted to be- was queen :'((

Kristen: We know!!

Beardsley trying to figure out how to flip someone the middle finger when they only have 4 digits

Riz/Murph, despondent that he can't roll anything higher than a ten. Everyone else: "You can!"

"Should've gotten silver fillings, bitch!!"

"Man, when I grow up, I wanna be a guidance counsellor!" - Adaine

Fabian's "a-HA!"

the strangest bit of improv when the tables are turned and Siobhan makes Brennan improv something coming out of her character's Jacket of Useful Things ("I open up my Jacket of Useful Things and I say 'I need something that will beat Kalvaxus' and I put my hand in a pocket and I pull out...?) only for Brennan to pull out the whole goddamn lore for the jacket XD

Ally: Can I roll for a nat 20 and then be alive?

Brennan's famous last words: Uh, sure, go for it.

Ally/Kristen: This is to the corn god. I know I left for a while but-

[Brennan.exe has stopped functioning]

Brennan: *flabbergasted and now rapidly figuring out how the fuck to figure this out*

Riz/Murph: Praise be to Helio!!!

Fabian/Lou: He-li-o! He-li-o!

BONUS EPISODE UNLOCKED, BABYYYYYY

[halevren]

FHJY Spoilers || my live thoughts as I watch the premiere

NIGHT YORBBBBBB!!!!

A NEW BATTLE MAP ALREADY?!??!?!?!!!??

Fig bard / warlock multi class is so real. Also 20 charisma. Same girl who kissed Ayda and skate boarded away

THE HANG VAN MINI IS THE SAME AS THE VAN IN THE TEENAGE REBELLION I'M CRYING

The character card background is so cute I love it. What if I made a meet the Tumblr user using the same background

Gorgug and his little gadgets and things 😭😭😭😭

BOGGY MINIIIIII I'M CRYING SO HARD

I WOULD DIE FOR MOGGY THE DOGGY

SO MANY MINIS!!!!!!!

FABIAN FIGHTER / BARD REAL!!!!!!!!

SEATED MINIS??!?!?

First roll is fucking whether or not Fabian's reflection on the mirror when he's flirting with Ecaf

Kristen not multi classing and still being jacked is so real. I need more buff clerics

THERE'S A QUESTION MARK ON THE BACK OF KRISTEN'S TRACK SUIT?!???!?!??!!??

Ring guy Riz, I love him

SUN GUN 🔥🔥🔥

yorbies 😭

Riz trying to justify his jewelry is so me. When I started wearing jewelry all of the sudden I felt like I had to explain it (now idk)

Inspector Gadget Riz this is going to be a great season

From falling over to tables to standing on a moving vehicle. We have improved

Riz having to sit through Fabian flirting with Ecaf has to be his own personal hell

A NAT ONE ALREADY?!!??!??!???? LOU WILSON....

FABIAN GETTING HIT BY THE HANG VAN 😭😭😭

THIS IS STILL THE FIRST ROLL INITIATIVE 😭😭😭😭

MORE MINIS?!?!????

Teen Wolf mention. Teen Wolf is canon in Fantasy High

ALLY BEARDSLEY NAT 20 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EMILY AXFORD NAT 20!!!!!

MONSTER VAPE

NEW SEASON NEW MURPH!!! A BEAUTIFUL ROLL!!!!!! 45 DAMAGE OUT OF 50

Lesson of this episode: don't stand in the road when a van is gassing it

Yerba Mate in protein powder....

NEW CASSANDRA ART SHE'S SO PRETTY

Kristen ignoring Cassandra is so heartbreaking that's your god she's so lovely you're her only cleric Kristen pls

Gorgug fishing the Night Yorb

Ally and Lou trying to convince Zac to trade Rick Perry dice as Emily does math all while whispering. I love this season

I genuinely don't remember Squeem this issue so embarrassing.

Your sacrifice will be remembered Squeem I love you

YORBIE ON MY LEFT, YORBIE ON MY RIGHT 🔥🗣️💯

I need a Moggy the Doggy plush to go with my two Boggy plushies

HOW MANY DICE IS HE ROLLING WHAT THE FUCK

At least boggy survived

ADAINE DOWN.....

ALLY BOUGHT THE BOOK!!

I am loving new Kristen

So much feet touching

THE DRY GUYS

Kristen Loves "Speed"

I love the ongoing tea-based cortado bit

Vulture

hya!

FANDRANGOR

There is so much sexual tension between Fabian and Ecaf

Fabian Narcissus arc

Rip Balthazar </3

Pour one out for Balthazar and who ever has to take care of his 6th month parrots

Squeem is so resourceful I love him

yaaath maaaags

Murph and Brennan bonding <3

I feel like Ragh and Kristen would be besties after her more fitness oriented life style

ANOTHER ALLY BEARDSLEY NAT 20!!!!!!!

BOX OF DOOM!!!!!!!! BEANS!!!!

WHAT IS BRENNAN MONOLOGUING......

WHAT IS HAPPENING..... FIG...??

WHO IS FIG'S PATRON???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO A CLIFF HANGER ALREADY??!?!!???!!???!???!???! BRENNAN LEE MULLIGAN...... 😭

THE PREVIEWS ARE MAKING ME SO EXCITED... I HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK NOW 😭😭😭😭

[throatofdelusionincarnate]

Tender Scrapes

Inspired by @naffeclipse’s “Apex Polarity”

A desire to be alone leaves you with a fatal injury. Now, sinking in the icy water you are met with your savior and enemy- an orca siren who has made his attention apparent ever since you spoiled his meal.

With a harpoon in your tail and a predator upon you, the nature of your situation becomes more apparent.

Perhaps a little help from your adversary isn't the worst thing to happen to you.

Word Count - 4,081

Please heed content warnings!

This fic is based off of @naffeclipse’s Polar Nights collection! They are an amazing writer and I can’t encourage you enough to check out their work!!

[dacuslucy]

i dont think anyone supports you harder than 2 australian lesbians who like blood and making out

[visceravalentines]

Murph Connors our beloved but have you met Private Andrew Harrigan? 👀💖 still a tertiary character but hey he gets a 1 minute-ish monologue in the movie so it's a couple levels above Murph's miserable 10 lines in Den of Thieves 😭

bluuuue 💙 this movie just keeps getting higher on my watchlist fr are you kidding me???? that fucking smirk???? the haaaair. 😫

I've seen a lot of references to this being young enlisted Bo, at least in terms of appearance, but I'm just gonna have to see for myself huh??

i need to sit on his face probably. after I watch this movie mebe we'll add him to the haunted dollhouse of characters I write for with the same fuckin face kskdjdksmsmkxksmka

[audioaujom]

CollegeHumor Tangled AU (Hub)

Welcome to a small hub for the CollegeHumor Tangled AU!

Welcome welcome! I should come right out and say a few things, including that 1) this is not a full AU in the sense that I won't be writing every single scene or following the source material exactly, and 2) this is much more messed up and violent than the movie. I'll be titling the chapters after the section of the movie I've pulled from for the chapter, and will have specific trigger warnings at the beginning and will update the overall tags as we go. In this AU, Zac is Rapunzel, Brennan is Mother Gothel, Emily is Flynn, Murph is Maximus (yes, the horse), and Lou makes a guest appearance as Pascal. However, this is not an Emily x Zac ship fic. 

While a lot of things will be different, I won’t necessarily be covering the exposition needed for all of that to make sense at the beginning in one big drop. I’m too lazy to rewrite the opening monologue, and I’m trying to have this out as I finish my CollegeHumor Powers AU so I can steal its update slot in my schedule for this one. The most notable lore change that you should know about beforehand is that I'm not messing with hair and instead giving Zac magic tears—like how Rapunzel has to cry at the end of the movie for her powers to work, except that's how it's always been. If that's not an indication of how far downhill things are going to go, I don't know what is. Anything else that’s different will either be in the notes or explained in canon. I can't promise regular updates since this is a very new set of writes and I'm back in school, but when I do have an update it'll be on a Sunday, and I hope to get things done every other week at minimum. Hope is the keyword there. Anyway, sorry for the info dump and enjoy the whump and madness!

Happy reading!

Warnings (contains spoilers): Blood and Violence, Manipulation, Psychological Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, Stabbing

Chapters: 1: Mother Knows Best 2: The Tower is Discovered 3: Zac Touches Grass 4: He's Got a Dream! 5: A Cliffside Confrontation 6: In the Woods 7: The Horse Knight Catches Up 8: Festival Interlude

Ao3 Link

[acanvasofabillionsuns]

[ID: The video takes place in an office and begins with Brian Murphy, a white man with glasses and a bit of a baby face, saying, "Dude, you killed it in that pitch meeting, that was awesome. I hope you make your parody The Thong Song." He high-fives Owen Parsons, a white dude with a close-shaved beard and mustache, who's sitting at a computer. Owen replies humbly, "Hey, thanks man. Ya know, I figured thong rhymes with bong, so, y'know, I don't know. It's stupid, whatever."

"Oh, it's not. Owen, you're really good," Brian reassures him smilingly. "Like, you could run this company if anything ever happened to Sam." The camera moves to Sam Reich, owner of College Humor, who is speaking to another employee and holds their face in his hands, then back to Owen and Brian.

Owen says, "Yeah, I mean, but Sam's the boss." He laughs, a little awkwardly, and Brian agrees amiably, "Right, right, yeah," before asking lightly, "Should he be?"

Owen's grin falls into a look of concentration as Brian continues, growing in intensity: "I mean, Sam's good, but he's soft. These writers need a kick in the ass, and from where I'm standing, you're wearing the right boots. This company needs new blood. Your blood. But first you must spill Sam's blood." As he talks, Owen seems to be seriously considering it, and by the end of his monologue, Brian is whispering and is face to face with Owen.

The moment snaps, however, when Owen declares, "You're Lady MacBething me!" and Brian laughs. Owen gets up from his chair, saying, "You're so Lady MacBething me! Oh my god!" Brian talks along with him, exclaiming delightedly, "You got me! You got me!"

"That was good though, that was good, that was good," Owen tells him, before shifting to the same intensity Brian held before and saying, "That was damn good." "Really? You think so?" Brian asks, a little flattered, and Owen nods along, telling him, "Yeah, you're a fine actor, Murph. You've got real range; weird that Sam would keep casting you as a shouting idiot when you're so good at whispering." Brian has seemed flattered and considering as Owen talks, and when Owen shifts to a whisper on the last few words, Brian whispers back, "I know, right?"

"Ya know, Murph, this world is full of people like Sam," Owen says, putting his arm over Brian's shoulder and looking over at Sam. Sam now has the employee in a headlock. Owen elaborates, "People that break you down and try to put their boot on your neck. But there's also plenty of opportunities for a man like you." He taps Brian's chest for emphasis. "A man who does what needs to be done." A small dagger clatters to the floor and Owen looks down at it in false surprise, before saying, "Oops," and looking intensely at Brian.

Brian stares at the dagger for a tense moment before bursting out from under Owen's arm and exclaiming, "You cannot Lady MacBeth the Lady MacBether!" Owen laughs, putting up his arms and "Ohhh"ing as Brian gestures at him, grinning and telling him, "You cannot! No!" "I almost had you, though, I almost had you," Owen says, pointing at Brian, who agrees, "You did, you did." Owen asks, "Was the dagger too much?" Brian tells him, "It was a little bit too much, it was a little bit too much," holding his fingers close together to illustrate, and Owen echoes regretfully, "It was a little bit too much."

"Oh my god, that was very quick, though," Owen comments, before leaning in and echoing intensely, "That was very quick, the way you caught on to me like that." "I mean it wasn't easy," Brian says, then switches to the same intensity as Owen with, "You were very convincing." Owen, still intense, tells him, "Well, some would say my plan was almost Murph-esque in its genius." "Too bad Sam wouldn't see it that way," Brian tells him. They're both now very close and making prolonged eye contact. "Sam, of course, being the cause of all your problems," Owen says, and Brian returns, "Problems that need to be solved." "Solved with murder," Owen agrees, nodding a little, and then Brian grabs his head and kisses him.

Owen shoves him off and asks, "Dude, what? What? What are you doing?" Brian frantically defends, "I was Lady MacBething you! I was Lady MacBething you!" "No, we were Lady MacBething each other, then you kissed me!" Owen protests, and Brian throws his hands up in the air and says, "Oh, Lady MacBeth kisses Mr. MacBeth all the time! They're married; they have a great marriage!"

"Oh, yeah," Owen says. "Yeah, right," Brian agrees, and Owen comments, "Taps that pretty hard in act three. That's true." They nod at each other for a moment, before both lunge to make out with each other. It only lasts a second before Owen reels back, yelling, and there's a sound of a blood splatter as Owen looks in horror at the dagger plunged in his shoulder.

"Oh! Yeah!" Brian cheers, having just stabbed Owen. "You stabbed me!" Owen yells at him, and Brian yells back, "You just got Lady MacBethed, son!" "This doesn't happen in the play!" Owen tells him, sounding near tears. Brian yells, "I've never read Mr. MacBeth!" and the video ends. /end ID]

10 year old college humor sketch that i watched at 1am last night and have since watched five more times