#Mr. Svenson | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

snaillamp · 1 year ago

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Vaccination Day

Enjar folded his hands onto his lap, threading his fingers together in an effort to hide he shaking. He read the advertisements along the desk again, trying to get his mind off what was coming. One was about asthma and staying safe in winter, one was about diabetes and talking to the doctor about some new, fancy blood glucometer and the last poster… the one that kept sending chills down his spine: Get your flu shot today! Prevent the spread of the flu! The flu stops with you!

He turned back to the glucometer ad, shuddering. Enjar had never liked needles, who did? But as his eyes flicked to the deep scars on his arms, he remembered the doctors. The needles poking him, hurting him… He could’t make them stop as he was strapped to the bed, the cannula hurting his arm as…

Vaccination day was always the worst. He had always hated needles, but now, they were a weapon, bringing back memories he'd rather forget.

“Svenson, Ulrich?”

A young doctor looked up at the group of people waiting in line. An old man pushed up and out of a chair, cane shaking as he got to his feet. He shuffled toward the man. The doctor greeted him, helping him into his office.

Out of the corner of his eye, Enjar felt someone sit next to him, causing him to twitch a little. Glancing at who it was, his eyes sparked in recognition. “Hello Enjar.” Dr Fayed murmured, smiling warmly. “You look a lot better than last time I saw you, good to see you’re doing well.” The man’s thick accent calmed Enjar, who smiled back, nodding as he tucked a little bit of hair behind his ear. His fingers brushed the scar on his face as he did, before he sat back and looked over at his friend.

“Thank you, Ahmed…” He looked around, wondering what to say. “Uh, how’s things with you?” Dr Fayed laughed, “Ahhh, you know. Two teenagers in the house and a busy work life. My wife says I’m married to the job as much as I am her!” He chuckled again, twisting his wedding ring. “I’ve actually organised a reservation in the city for her birthday, I even flew in her brother from France. She has no idea.” The man grinned wickedly. “I’ve been planning it for months.”

Enjar couldn’t help but snort at the doctor’s grin. “You’re a piece of work, Ahmed.” Enjar murmured, watching as a doctor he didn’t recognise stepped into the waiting room. “Ahh, that’s Dr Hillmar, new in town. I hear he’s pretty good… Big city hotshot if you ask me.” Dr Fayed snickered, before leaning back and patting his stomach. “Nielson, Enjar.” The doctor spoke, and Enjar froze, his stomach dropped like he had just hurtled down a rollercoaster.

“You got this, big guy.” Dr Fayed patted his shoulder, breaking Enjar out of his frozen state. He stood, letting out a breath, before approaching the doctor. ‘Trust me to get the new guy. Where’s Dr Bloch when I need her?’ Enjar thought as he swallowed his anxiety. Dr Bloch always knew how to work with him to make him feel calm, to get him through the injection…

“Nielson, Enj-oh.” Dr Hillmar looked down at Enjar, who had approached him. The doctor was at least 6 foot, compared to Enjar’s smaller 5'8. Enjar watched the usual eye movements as the doctor’s watery blue eyes danced over his scars. He clenched his jaw, making the scar ripple a little, a subtle way to remind the doctor there was still a person under the scar he was gawking at. Enjar usually wouldn’t mind people staring at his scars, but he wasn’t in the mood today.

He inhaled, making himself look slightly bigger as the doctor met his stormy, grey eyes. “Mr Nielson?” Dr Hillmar raised his eyebrows, looking slightly nervous. Enjar nodded, clenching his jaw harder to hide his anxiety. “Right this way…” Dr Hillmar gestured timidly, guiding Enjar to his office.

“Uh, take a seat and I’ll be with you in a second.” Dr Hillmar pointed at the uncomfortable plastic chair sat by the door. Next to it was a wall decal, a giraffe with heights for children marked on its; neck. Dr Hillmar sat by his desk, typing away at his computer, pulling up a file and reading it. Enjar could tell from where he was sitting it was his medical files, the short, curt message, completely useless to explain how he got his scars. Below that, a new note had been added, presumably from his last trip to the hospital… Enjar winced, remembering how awful he had been to the nurses.

“Soooooo… Mr Nielson, you’re here for a checkup and a vaccination, correct?” Dr Hillmar’s bravado was returning slightly as he spun in his cushy leather chair to face Enjar, who nodded. “You’re uh, a quiet one, huh?” Enjar shrugged. “That’s fine.” Dr Hillmar chirped, reaching over to his desk and grabbing a fancy stethoscope.

He watched Enjar for a second, studying him as Enjar did the same, each man taking in the other’s face. Enjar was good at reading people, he could tell the doctor was intimidated by his appearance, but he could only hope his own nervousness was well hidden behind a scowl. He didn’t want a repeat of last year.

“So, let’s start. Uh, it says in your files that you’ve had some bad experiences with medical professionals. Just know that here, you’re safe and anything you say or do is confidential. Any time you need a break, just let me know.” Dr Hillmar smiled, trying his best to break through Enjar’s scowl. All Enjar could do was nod. He just wanted Dr Bloch.

“You must be wondering, Dr Bloch has moved to another practice and I will be taking on her patients, she left some notes about you, actually. Let me see…” The doctor stood, reaching to the shelf covered in folders as he pulled a large, fat red one onto the desk flicking through. “Ah, here it is. Uhhhhh,” The doctor hummed as he skimmed the notes. “Pretty much what it says on your file. Just take it slow…” He frowned, mumbling to himself. “Huh… weird everyone else is so detailed… She was never one to miss anything… weird.” He replaced the folder, turning back to Enjar who was reading a poster tacked to the wall.

It had a person, all the layers of muscle, bone and organs revealed, listing them all. Dr Hillmar glaced at it, before grinning. “You like it? It’s a new one.” Enjar could tell the doctor was desperately trying to befriend him, but that made him want to shut off even more. “Did you want to start?” Dr Hillmar asked, leaning forward. Enjar nodded, sighing. “Sure.” Dr Hillmar smiled, thinking he’d made progress.

“Hop up on the bed there for me.” The doctor asked, Enjar complying. He watched the doctor prepare, gathering a few tools and cleaning his hands. The man was older than him, probably in his 50’s, his red hair slowly thinning and greying. He had a scratchy beard and a small, barely noticeable tattoo on his right wrist. It looked like a date. He wore black, rectangular glasses, pushed high up on a large nose and as he got closer, Enjar noticed a hole in his ear, a former piercing probably.

His dress shirt and pants were neatly ironed and his shoes were shiny, fancy leather ones, all pulled together with a red, silk tie. A large leather belt sat around his waist, the buckle engraved with a bear paw print. Enjar’s nose twitched as he caught a whiff of the doctor’s cologne. It smelled musky.

“Okay, we’ll go head to toe, so just let me know if you need a minute. Nice and slow, I promise.” Dr Hillmar sighed as he pulled out a light. “Can you just pull your hair back for me, please?” Enjar complied, reaching up and tying his hair up with a spare hair tie, feeling the scars on his arms tug slightly as his arms moved to the strange angle.

“Wonderful. Okay, follow my finger with your eyes for me.” Dr Hillmar instructed, watching as Enjar’s eyes locked onto his finger, following it closely. “Okay, now I’ll just flash a little light in your eyes, let me know if it’s too bright.” The doctor flashed a small penlight in each eye, comparing them. “Wonderful. I’ll do your ears now. You haven’t had any issues with hearing? I read that you’ve been knocked unconscious a few times.” Enjar glanced at the doctor as he put an otoscope in his left ear, looking at his lips smile as he saw a presumably healthy ear canal. “So no issues?” “Nope.” Enjar replied, as the other ear was checked. He kind of liked the feeling of the cold, smooth tube in his ear.

“Alright then, mouth time! Open wide, I’ll put this stick on your tongue, it’ll be quick I promise.” Enjar’s jaw tightened before he opened his mouth, he hated tongue depressors. Dr Hillmar placed it on his tongue, pressing down a little too far back in his mouth. Enjar gagged a tiny bit, pulling his head away, the memories of the tube crammed down his throat flashing through his mind. “Oh, are you alright?” Dr Hillmar asked, kneeling down to meet Enjar’s eyes. After a couple of breaths, Enjar nodded, opening his mouth and balling up his fists as the doctor checked again. After a few seconds of brief panic, he settled and felt fine, the doctor finishing that section of his exam. “Well everything looks healthy up there. Did you want to move onto your chest or do something else first.” Enjar looked at his lap, appreciating being given the choice. ‘Ahmed was right, he is good.’

“Something else first, thanks…” Dr Hillmar smiled at Enjar’s reply, nodding softly. “Okay, well take off your shoes for me and we can do a few more checks. Enjar complied, placing his shoes on the floor beside the plastic seat. “Okay, just stand here on the wall for me, nice and straight.” The doctor reached up, pulling the measuring device down to touch Enjar’s head. “Wonderful, and just take a few steps forward for me.”

“Good.”He pointed at a poster next to the anatomical one. “Just read those off for me, top to bottom.”

“A, X, R, V, M, Q, R, T, U, Y, O, L, K.”

“Awesome. Jump back on the bed, and I’ll test something else.” Enjar could tell the doctor was stalling a little. He didn’t mind that though, so he sat back on the edge of the bed, watching as Dr Hillmar stood in front of him. Sitting on the bed, they were almost the same height.

“Okay, just grab onto my hands for me, wonderful. Squeeze them tight for me.” Dr Hillmar’s hands were soft, unlike Enjar’s own calloused ones. He squeezed hard, until the doctor gasped slightly. “That’s good, that’s good. My, you’re a strong guy, what do you do?” Looking at the doctor, Enjar blinked, not expecting his strength to be brought up. “Lighthouse keeper. Though I do a lot of work for the coastguard too.” Dr Hillmar’s eyes widened, “That would explain the muscle. And just pull your right arm against mine, good, now your left. Wonderful.” Dr Hillmar kneeled down, looking at Enjar’s feet. “I’m just going to touch your feet, alright.” He placed his palms against the bottom of Enjar’s feet before looking up at him. “Wonderful, just press down for me. Good.”

Standing back up, he checked the nervous response of Enjar’s knees, tapping them with a small hammer, making them kick out. “Well… I’ve done everything else. You ready for me to check your chest?” Dr Hillmar smiled at Enjar again, who nodded, the anxiety in his stomach twitching. “Okay, just pull your shirt off for me. I promise I’ll be quick.” Enjar was beginning to feel annoyed, the doctor was coddling him a little. ‘I’ll be quick, I’ll be quick… I know, you keep saying it.’ His thoughts flashed through his head as he tugged off his shirt.

“Ready?” Dr Hillmar lifted up his stethoscope. Enjar nodded. “Okay. I’ll listen to your heart, then your lungs alright?” Nodding again, Enjar straightened, before the cold bell of the stethoscope touched his skin, sending goosebumps prickling over his body. The doctor listened for a moment, before moving to a new space, lower down, then another, more to the side of his chest. “Beautiful. Alright deep breath in.” He asked, placing the bell back on the front of Enjar’s chest. “And another.” This time, Dr Hillmar placed it on the other side of his chest.

“Again. Good. Once more on this side. Wonderful.”

Enjar watched as Dr Hillmar stepped to the side, “Just lean forward a little, I want to listen to your back too.” They repeated the process, Dr Hillmar nodding happily when he was done. “I’ll just check your stomach, then you can put your stuff back on, okay?” Enjar nodded again, he wasn’t looking forward to this. “Just lie back for me.” The doctor patted the bed.

Enjar lay back, sighing as he stared at the ceiling. “I apologise if I have cold hands. I’ll just press down a little then I want to check the scars from your surgery, then we’ll be done.” Enjar nodded, shutting his eyes as the doctor pressed gently on his abdomen. He went around in a circle, pressing four places with the flat of his hand, feeling for anything out of the ordinary.

“Good, I’ll just move your pants down a little, is that okay? I just need a better look at your mower abdomen.” “Mhmm…” Enjar mumbled, breathing in calm, slow breaths. The doctor moved the hem of his pants down, examining the scars from his appendectomy. He pressed them a little, making Enjar twitch. “Ah, still tender, sorry. How long has it been since the surgery?”

Enjar’s mind danced around dates, trying to remember. “6 months, give or take.” He grunted as the doctor pressed the other scar. “You had a laparoscopic surgery?” “Yeah…” Enjar’s head began to feel fuzzy and the doctor stepped back, he could feel the anxiety gripping his mind more. ‘This isn't that place...’

“Okay, all done. You can sit up now... Mr Nielson?” Enjar groaned, squeezing his eyes tight before opening them, sitting up slowly. “Are you feeling okay?” Dr Hillmar asked, looking concerned. “Yeah… just a little tense… I’m fine.” Enjar reached over to his shirt, pulling it back on, the room feeling quite cold all of a sudden. He shivered a little, before hopping off the bed to replace his shoes. “And we’re almost done, just the vaccination now. Uhh, I see here you have an… ‘aversion to needles’ is that right?”

Enjar looked up at Dr Hillmar, frowning as he glanced at his notes. That was a new one. Must have been Dr Mathieson, maybe Dr Singh. “Something like that…” he mumbled in reply. His mind drifted to his last hospital stay, ripping the cannula from his arm and throwing it at the wall. “You’re not prone to fainting are you, cause I don’t think I’m strong enough to catch you!” Dr Hillmar joked awkwardly, waving his smaller arms. Enjar certainly had more muscle than he did, the doctor was probably lucky to be 80 kg soaking wet. Shaking his head, Enjar sighed, taking a seat back in the chair. “I just… haven’t had great experiences with them. I uh… was treated for injuries in a pretty traumatic way.” He gestured at his arms. He heard the doctor hum, “Did you want to eleaborate? It’s okay if you don’t.”

Enjar shook his head, “No, may as well… I was injured, loosing a lot of blood, barely conscious… The medics, the doctors were just trying to keep me alive. They stuck me with so many needles I just… They remind me of that time… It makes me… quite anxious.” Enjar chose his words carefully, he didn’t want to overwhelm himself, or spill too much... if he went into anymore details, he might actually collapse.

“Well, we will look after you, you’re safe here, I promise. I’ll go get the nurse to prepare the vaccine for you.” Dr Hillmar stood and slipped from the room, leaving Enjar to lay back in the seat and breathe. He rested his head against the wall and sighed, soothing the rising anxiety creeping up his throat. ‘It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not there, you’re here…’ He repeated his mantra in his head, before he heard the door squeak open, making him jump. “Oh, my apologies. The nurse is here now, just sit tight, or did you want to lie down?” Dr Hillmar offered the bed with a gesture, but Enjar shook his head, swallowing his fear. His stubbornness was playing up again, he wasn’t going to take the bed, no one else did, why should he?

The young nurse walked in, all the pieces ready to go. Enjar watched as she prepared the injection, his stomach tingling as she did. She handed the needle to Dr Hillmar, who thanked her before walking up to Enjar. “Alright, which arm do you want it in?” Enjar sighed, thinking for a second, before looking back at the doctor. “Left.” He eyed the needle, long and sharp, glinting in the light. It looked a lot longer up close than it had a second ago.

“Okay, just relax your arm for me.” Dr Hillmar directed, as Enjar fixed his stare at the anatomy poster. He felt the cold cleansing wipe clean his skin, before a sharp prick and a flood of cold fluid into his arm. He felt mostly fine, except the temperature of the fluid making him feel a little dizzy. ‘Huh... No flashbacks, great!’ He thought as glanced over at the needle, watching it slide out from inside him, before a cotton wad was placed neatly over the small hole it left. A glimmer of hope beginning to burn in him, he had made progress and hadn’t even realised it.

“And we’re done. I’ll just ask you to stay in the waiting room for 15 minutes so we can monitor you and then you can go. All just standard procedure from here.” Dr Hillmar instructed. Enjar smiled softly, thanking him, before standing. He took a step, before his vision blurred, spots spinning around him and the world going black as he came crashing down onto the cold, hard floor.

Dr Peter Hillmar smiled at the strange man sitting next to him. He didn’t know what all the fuss had been about, the man took the needle without even a flinch. “Thank you, Dr Hillmar.” The man spoke in a low, quiet voice, glancing up at him with tired, grey eyes.

Peter watched as he stood, before frowning as the blood suddenly drained from the man’s face. As he took a step, his pupils grew wide, before his eyes rolled back and he crumpled to the floor. “Oh!” The young nurse cried as she leapt back. Peter’s mind jumped into action. He rolled Enjar’s limp body over, pressing his fingers into his neck. The man’s pulse was racing, sweat beading on his forehead. “Get Dr Dahlvig!” His tone urgent as he spoke to the young nurse, who nodded, racing from the room.

“Mr Nielson? Enjar? Can you hear me?” Peter raised his voice, shaking Enjar’s chest as he tried to make him wake up. Nothing. “Shit. Come on, wake up for me, Enjar.”

The nurse returned with the senior doctor of the practice, Dr Clara Dahlvig. “Peter? Oh, what’s happened here?” She asked, leaning down to assess his patient. “Don’t know, he just went out like a light.” Clara looked at Enjar’s face, frowning. “Ahhh, I know him. Enjar Nielson, right? Something is always up with this guy. Weird, he’s never collapsed like this before though.” She mumbled, feeling the pulse in his wrist. “He hit his head hard?” She asked, slipping on some gloves and feeling Enjar’s skull. “No idea, he just went down like a rag doll.”

Clara nodded, before pulling her stethoscope out and putting it in her ears. She listened to the man’s chest, counting the breaths. “He seems fine, he’s just fainted I think. Maybe get him up on your exam bed, let him come to. If he isn’t around in a few minutes I might get you to call an ambulance.” She helped Peter lift the heavy man up onto the examination bed, before huffing and leaving the room.

“Ah, Dr Fayed, could you come here for a second?” She asked, standing outside the door. Peter glanced around, not recognising the name. There wasn’t a Dr Fayed at this practice was there? He watched the door as a short, stout man walked in, glanced around and spotted Enjar, slumped on the bed. “Oh no… What’s happened?” He asked, his voice sympathetic. “Don’t know, I was hoping you might know, you know him right?” The new doctor nodded. “Well, I shouldn't say much... but off the record, yes I do. What happened?”

The doctor’s strongly accented voice broke Peter out of his stupor. “Uh, just collapsed after a vaccination. Blood drained from his face and he went down.” Dr Fayed frowned, “Maybe it was the needle, what happened last vaccination?” He asked Clara. “Bloch and I watched him hyperventilate for about 10 minutes before he was fine and took the injection like nothing happened. He was a little shaky after but nothing out of the ordinary.” Peter huffed exasperatedly, it seemed all the doctors knew this guy.

At that moment, Enjar groaned, turning his head as he came around. His eyes fluttered open, and he stared blankly at the room, not recognising it. “Be quiet, he might be reliving something, let him come back in his own time…” Dr Fayed whispered, looking at the man’s glazed over eyes. Peter frowned, this Dr Fayed guy knew a lot more about Enjar than he was letting on.

Outside the room, someone dropped something, causing a loud clatter. All four people in the room cringed as an old man yelled a loud, angry, “FUCK!”

The young nurse slipped from the room, pulling the door shut to help the old man, but the damage was already done. Enjar stiffened, eyes wide as his breathing quickened, becoming uneven and gasping. He pushed himself up, before trying to get off the bed, but the second his feet touched the floor, his knees buckled. Faling to the ground, shaking as tears streamed from his face, moaning low, panicked words. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

He gasped, pressing his head into the floor, his entire body quivering. Peter reached out to touch him, his fingers barely grazing the man’s shoulder, but Enjar ’s hand shot up, grabbing his wrist and yanking it, pulling Peter to the floor. Peter yelped as he wigged, trying to get out from the Enjar’s grip as the man pressed a knee firmly on his chest, pinning him down.

He looked up in horror, at the man who had seemed so withdrawn and quiet a moment ago now baring his teeth and growling, eyes wild and angry. “Hey, what’s-your-name?” Dr Fayed hissed at Peter. “Dr Hillmar.” He replied. “Dr Hillmar, stop struggling. You’re making it worse. Just close your eyes and take a deep breath, go as still as possible.” Peter followed the order, closing his eyes and breathing deep, letting his body relax.

“Good, good.” His chest hurt as Enjar pressed into it harder. “Enjar, it’s Ahmed. Can you hear me? I need you to stand down, this man is not a threat.” Peter opened an eye to glance at Enjar, who’s eyes seemed to spark with a semblance of recognition. They danced from side to side as his grip loosened around Peter’s wrists. “Stand down. Stand down.” Dr Fayed spoke firmly, talking to Enjar like a superior officer in the army might, was this guy ex-millitary or something?

Peter watched as Enjar blinked, his weight shifting off his chest and life coming back into his eyes. He grunted, skittering back and pressing himself into the corner where the bed and wall met “Get away from me...”

“Hey, look at me Enjar, you’re okay.” Dr Fayed knelt down speaking softly as Enjar’s breathing quickened again. “Look at me. Do you know who I am?” Enjar glanced up at Dr Fayed, jaw shuddering a little, before he stuttered a name. “A-A-Ahm-Ahmed…” Dr Fayed nodded, “Yes, and what’s your name?” Enjar looked at his hands, whispering his name. “Enjar…” Dr Fayed nodded again, “And where are you Enjar?” Peter watched as the shaking man’s breathing calmed, and he rubbed his eyes. “At the GP’s clinic…” He groaned loudly, leaning back against the wall and placing an arm over his eyes.

Enjar felt like he’d been hit by a high speed train as he suddenly realised where he was. Dr Fayed asked him where he was and his spinning mind suddenly slowed as he focused on his surroundings, making him feel even more nauseous. “At the GP’s clinic…” He groaned, embarrassment flooding his body. What had he done? He could vaguely remember grabbing something that had attacked him. Lifting his arm off his face, he looked at Dr Hillmar, sitting on the ground looking shaken. “Wait… whaddid I do..” He mumbled, words slurring slightly as he fought to keep his eyes open. “Hey, Enjar, stay with me.” Dr Fayed reached out, “I’m going to touch your shoulder, okay?” All Enjar could manage was a weak “Mhmm…” as he focused all his energy to staying awake, it felt like it was draining from him with every breath.

Dr Fayed’s hand touched his shoulder, and Enjar pressed his cheek into it. The hand, Ahmed's hand, squeezed his shoulder hard and Enjar closed his eyes, feeling the floor under his fingertips, hearing his breath and heartbeat, and feeling the squeeze. After a moment, he opened his eyes and tried to stand, his legs unstable. Dr Fayed help stabilise him, and after a few breaths, the finally world stopped spinning around him. He stared at the ground, not making eye contact with anyone. “What did I do?” He whispered again, haunted and shaken.

Dr Fayed frowned, “Don’t you remember?” Shaking his head, Enjar’s shoulders drooped. “Ever since the appendicitis… I’ve just been a little easier to tip over the edge, and I remember less and less. I just need time to get back to where I was and I'll…” Dr Fayed sympathetically wrapped him in a hug. He knew all too well how much it hurt being pushed back in recovery. “I was better… then that stupid infection…” Enjar's voice cracked as he whispered into Dr Fayed’s shoulder, a tear falling from his eye.

Standing up straighter, he wiped his face. “What happened? I need to know.” Dr Hillmar stepped forward. “I uh, touched you and you pinned me to the ground. You were... You weren't there, behind your eyes, there was nothing.”

Enjar took a step back, swallowed his anxiety again, looking at the doctor squarely. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt you.” Dr Hillmar smiled, easing the tension a little. “Just my ego. I’m fine, I promise. It’s you I’m worried about. Hop up on the table, I wanna check you over.” Turning his head slowly, Enjar sighed.

Dr Hillmar waved the rest of the people in the room away as Enjar laid back, eyes glazed over as his blood pressure was checked, then his oxygen saturation, heart rate, respiratory rate, everything the doctor could think of. “Have you ever fainted like this before?” He looked over at Enjar. “No…”

Dr Hillmar hummed, checking Enjar’s pulse again. “Well, I think you just... fainted. I’d like to observe you for a little longer though. Check out in the waiting room and I’ll see you in 30 minutes.” Enjar groaned as he sat slowly, before shuffling to the waiting room and sliding into a seat with a grunt.

He noticed someone idle over. “You look awful.” Dr Fayed pointed out. Placing his head in his hands, Enjar rubbed his face, trying to get rid of the haze in his brain. “At least I’m vaccinated…” His tone sarcastic as he feigned joy. Sitting up, he slumped back in the chair staring at the clock on the wall.

“I’ll shout you a coffee, you and me.” Dr Fayed suggested, looking at Enjar, who’s eyes slowly moved to meet his. “Mmmmph… I can’t ask you to do that, Ahmed.” Dr Fayed shook his head, smiling. “It is of no problem for me. I promise, think of it as a friend looking out for his friend.” Rolling his eyes, Enjar smirked, “Fine.”

They sat together in silence for a while, before Dr Fayed leaned in and murmured something, causing Enjar to stiffen. “I still go to meetings, you know. You should swing by, catch up. People have been asking about you.”

Enjar pulled his had through his hair, grimacing. “I- I’ll think about it. Its’ been 3 years, I just… Wanna move on, but the world won’t let me. Every time I think I’m fine, I get someone breaking into my home or I get sick, or I collapse… I’m just tired, Ahmed… I want to be okay again… For good.” Staring at his arms, he traced the thick scars.

“I’m seeing Dr Dall next week... Dr Singh told me to see her… I finally got around to booking it.” Dr Fayed placed a warm hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I understand. But the burdens we carry, they are not something we will ever stop carrying. Instead you have to train your mind, make it stronger, so that the load is easier to carry. It will always be there, but you can carry it. You’re stronger than you know, my friend.” Enjar smiled weakly, nodding. “I wish I felt it.”

Dr Hillmar came out and did a quick check over of Enjar before nodding and dismissing him. Dr Fayed followed him out as they wandered down the street to a cafe. “So I just fainted for no reason? Great.” Enjar grumbled, scuffing his foot into the concrete. “I’ll add that to list of things that’s wrong with me. PTSD, scars, no appendix, and now faints after needles.” Enjar’s sarcastically gleeful tone made Dr Fayed laugh as they took a seat at a table in the sun. A young waiter came out to take their order, before rushing back inside. “Hmmmm…” The doctor hummed, staring at the sky.

Enjar raised his eyebrow, curious. “What you thinking about?” The doctor looked at Enjar and smiled, “In a week it’ll be 7 years since we left Syria.” Enjar nodded, “Oh… Alright.” Dr Fayed smiled, pleased at the response. “See, you get it.” He looked up as their coffee arrived, thanking the waiter. “You know how to respond.” The two men looked at each other for second, before they both left the conversation at that. They both knew they didn’t need to add anymore to it.

“So your anniversary? How many years of marriage?” Enjar piped up, enjoying to warmth of the coffee as he sipped it, it made him feel slightly less dead inside. “20 years. Best 20 years of my life.”

The men talked for a while before they both finished up, going back to their respective cars and driving off. As he got drove, Enjar kept thinking about what the doctor had said to him.

When he got inside his cabin, he picked up Ulrich’s skull and sat it on the dining table, looking at it. “What do you think? Should I go back? I want to but all those people… their stories… They made me so sad. They all went through way worse stuff than I did… I shouldn’t complain. They have a reason to be traumatised.”

The seagull’s eye sockets stared blankly back at him. “I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to, right? Like Dr Dall said, if I don’t want to be there I can leave.” He picked up the skull and held it in his hands. It was so light, so delicate. He could crush it in his hand if he wanted to…

“I guess you’re like me huh? Breakable. Then again, I guess all people are.” He placed the seagull back on the mantle above the fire, before climbing the tower and setting up the light.

He stood on the balcony watching the churning black sea for a while, enjoying the taste of the wind and the sound of the waves. He was better than he had been when he first took over this place, but he knew he could be even better than that. He wanted to be. “I promise to be better, for you guys…” He whispered looking at the stars as a slight breeze picked up. He felt his team smile and for the first time in a long time, the weight felt a little easier to carry.

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