#Mom’s new boyfriend may come to all your recitals but I am still your father

[doc-anders]

Cassandra: “Sir, Superman is on line one.”

[nishisun]

suna rintaro is NOT a genius.

summary: you loved the idea of soulmates. suna rintaro didn’t. it isn’t that hard to put two and two together to realize that maybe people with different opinions on things don’t belong together.

part 2

a/n: this was literally supposed to be a series, i gave up on it because i just didn’t like the way it turned out. it used to be called “out of my league” and this was the intro. i also renamed it. just emptying drafts!! please don’t get confused with the random timeskip, once again, this was a part of a series i never ended up posting😭

WARNING!!: suggestive themes, mentions of death, idk kinda angsty but tell me if i missed anything

Soulmates. Whatever the hell that means. The idea of soulmates is something I truly don’t understand. It’s bullshit, honestly. It’s all-pervasive.

My mother always told me I'd eventually find "the one.” I used to believe that when I was younger of course. But in my opinion? It’s all cliches. It's unhelpful, and it's certainly not true. Destiny is an excuse for the weak. Why do you think most marriages end in divorce? It's 'cause people who believe they are “destined to be" assume everything will fall into place without any effort. I don't appreciate people pontificating bullshit like that just to make me feel better, especially if they haven't found their "soulmate" themselves. My sister once told me, “People who believe in soulmates are more likely to break up and encounter more difficulty in their relationship, which will lead them to give up on one another eventually.”

I sure do believe that.

My mother is a prime example. Fumeiko Suna, my dear mother. Well, she clearly hasn’t found hers. I found out when I came home after a tedious day of school in 5th grade and found my dear mother on the floor crying, with bruises all over her face and a busted lip.

Initially, I thought a burglar had broken into our home once again, but if that were the case then there would’ve been missing furniture. But there wasn’t.

In fact, the place seemed cleaner than usual. When I ran up to her and asked her what had happened, there he was. The devil himself. My father. He reeked of alcohol, and I could detect his shadow towering over me. It’s funny how that I think of it. I used to fear that son of a bitch. Now, I’m way taller than him, and hate his guts. I turned around to see a faux-sympathetic smile plastered on his face.

He explained how my mother was being “clumsy” and had fell and busted her lip on one of the corners of the kitchen table and when I turned back around to face my mother, she smiled gently and nodded in agreement. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was then I realized my father had beat my mother to a pulp.

Long story short, when I found it was my father, sure, I was frightened. In fact, I remember going into my siblings’ rooms to inform them, they shrugged it off and told me that dad had been doing it for a while now.

Over time, when my dad had found out that I was aware, he didn't mind beating the absolute shit out of my mother in front of all three of us. This was when my burning hatred for that man started. Nobody in the house even attempted to stop him. I did a few times, though. He took all his anger out on me. At least my mom had a break for the day.

I almost pitied my mother. Almost. Maybe if she was strong enough to leave him, then yeah, I’d feel bad. But she still decides to stay with his sorry ass. It’s pathetic. It’s unrequited love or whatever you call it. How could she still love that asshole?

I mean, I’m not even going to lie, I’m an asshole too, but I’m definitely not my dad. I would never want to be him. He’s not someone I looked up to, he doesn’t do anything inspirational. He’s a businessman. He travels the majority of the time, and I’m pretty sure my mom invites men over when he’s gone. I don’t care enough to find out. But if I ever hear some guy rearranging my mom’s guts, I’ll kill him. I don’t even blame my mother. What she’s doing is wrong, she knows it and so do both of my older siblings. But they don't seem to care so why should I?

Who knows why she just won’t leave him. Maybe it’s cause they don’t want to ruin how people view our “picture perfect” family. I wonder what they’d say. “I thought the Suna’s were the ideal family? I guess not.”

My dad would probably lose it if he heard that.

Both my mother and my father are the cause of this broken family of mine. They never fed me or any of my siblings the love we always desired when we were younger. They never came to any of my volleyball games when I was younger. They never applauded me for the little recitals we’d have in class in primary school. They were never even here for most of my childhood. They always put money first and left us with the housekeepers. Hell, the housekeepers probably know me better than my own parents.They failed as parents. I despise them for it. They’re most likely the reason I am the way I am, but to be honest?

I don’t give a fuck.

In fact, I should thank them! Because of how they “raised” me, i’m extremely blunt, which is why people respect me. I use the hatred I have for my family and take it out on people and no, I’m not proud of that. I may be a heartless asshole, but I like that people fear me. The hell? Does that make me a sadist? Either way, people know to never fuck with me cause I’d fuck their shit up. I’ve overheard many people say it’s ‘cause of my privilege. It probably is. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy you many other things.

If my parents were broke, I’d probably be expelled from school by now. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are forbidden on school property. I don’t even take them at school, I somewhat care about my education and health, but sometimes I just need to blow some steam. Even if I did, nobody’s gonna say shit since my dad is the head of Japan’s board of education. How did his ass even get there?

Call me lonely or cynical. Maybe I am. But how is that a bad thing? Why do people need a significant other to rely on? What, a soulmate is just going to turn my life upside down then suddenly bring me happiness? Pfft, I’m gonna need actual proof that shit like that still happens. I’ve only seen shit like that in fairy tale movies. It’s whatever, though. I can live with being alone. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and it isn’t as bad as people make it.

You loved the idea of having a soulmate. The thought of meeting someone who just understood you, accepted you for who you were, and most importantly, loved you excited you. You couldn’t wait to meet your soulmate.

But recently, you weren’t sure soulmates existed.

When your older sister, Akira, came into your room and burst into tears, it frightened you. Your older sister, the one who’d always provide you advice on relationships and how to keep one was in your room sobbing hysterically because hers hadn’t worked out.

“I just can't believe it,” she sobbed.

You couldn’t believe it either. Your sister had recently gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 9 years. They started dating at the age of 15 and managed to make things work out even after high school, and out of all those years of dating, they never broke up. Not even once.

They’d go on romantic dates on Saturdays and they’d always write love letters to one another every day, just to remind one another of how grateful they were to have each other in their lives. On Halloween, they’d dress up as fictional characters from TV shows and books and take cute selfies and bake a bunch of sweets. They’d invite you to come bake with them, but you would politely deny. You knew they were only offering so you wouldn’t feel left out, which you appreciated.

Of course, they’d argue every now and then, but at the end of the day, they always managed to talk things out. Oh to have a relationship like theirs. They were everything you wanted to have in a relationship and more.

“I really thought he was the one for me, y’know?” No, you don’t know. But that doesn't matter. What mattered was cheering your sister up.

“Maybe he wasn’t ‘the one’ Akira, and that’s okay! People come and go all the time, soulmates come and go all the time as well-”

“You still believe soulmates are real, huh?” she let out a humorless laugh and sniffed her nose, “What If I missed my one shot at love, Y/N? What if I lost my soulmate?”

That’s some deep shit.

Now that you think about it, were soulmates real? Soulmates come and go, yes, you’re aware of that, but even though they leave, it’s always temporary. Soulmates always find a way back to their other half, the piece that completes them.

Your dad never made it back to your mother.

He died in a car crash 5 years ago. Your mother and father had been arguing because she claimed your father was cheating on her since he wouldn’t let her check his phone.

You were 13 at the time. Your sister Akira was accompanying you in your room, listening to them arguing back and forth with one another. There was furniture flying across the room, glass breaking, and both of them throwing curses at each other. You were scared. They never argued in front of you and your sister. They'd bicker sometimes, but it was never anything too deep.

Eventually, your father had enough of your mother’s false accusations, and out of anger, he packed his things and left home. For weeks. It wasn’t until one of your uncles called your mother and broke the news. She didn’t take it very well.

Late 2012-early 2013.

Not many people came to your father’s funeral, his family didn’t like the fact that he and your mother were together, they said your mother was trouble, but your dad still stayed with her, even if that meant it would completely destroy the bond he had with his family. Now that’s true love, you had thought. Only your mother, Akira, the Sunas, your uncle, and you, of course, attended the funeral.

It hurt a lot. It hurt when your mother informed both your grandparents on your mother and father’s side and all they could do is put the blame on her. It hurt how they had claimed you, Akira and your mother were a hindrance to your dear father’s well-being. How could they be so cruel at a time like this?

That was the first time you ever questioned if soulmates were real. Maybe they fell in love at the wrong time? Who knows.

After your father’s passing, Fumiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, was there to help your family out financially. Your mother couldn’t even find the motivating to go to work. Your mother and Fumiko have been best friends since junior high, they’ve literally been inseparable ever since. In fact, after they both got married, they decided to live right next to each other.

Your mom didn’t cope with your father’s death very well; none of you did. But your mom had it the worst.

She would cope with alcohol and clubbing which would always result in her bringing different men home almost every night. You didn’t say much about it, you thought it would be selfish to since that’s what seemed to make your mother feel better about herself, but your sister hated it. She was already 19 and in college at the time, but when she visited and found out that your mother had basically been neglecting you, she was furious.

“Seriously, mom? This is what you’re gonna do while your 13-year-old daughter is in her room having a literal mental breakdown because of your childish behavior?” Your sister had barged into your mother’s room when she thought you were asleep, she was screaming loud.

“You’re interrupting something important, Akira. You know better than to-”

“Oh, shut the hell up mom. You’re the last person on earth to be saying shit like that.”

“Well, if you’re done, you can leave my room now. You’re being disrespectful, and this behavior is not tolerated!” Your mother was screaming now. The man in the bed covering his body under the covers and looking back and forth between Akira and your mother.

“Sakiya, maybe you should hear your daughter out-”

“Not now.” your mother scarcely interrupted the man, eye contact never leaving Akira. “Y/N has never complained about this when you were in college. She knows this is my way of coping, why can’t you understand that too!”

Akira scoffed. “So what, getting fucked by random strangers you find on the filthy streets is your way of coping? Getting wasted every damn night to the point where Y/N has to drag you up to bed is okay with you? Do you even know how much this is affecting Y/N? Did you even bother asking her how she felt? I hate breaking it to you mom, but you need serious help.”

“You selfish child!” Your mother screamed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body, getting up from the bed. “How dare you say that to your own mother?”

“I’m only telling the truth! If you’re the mother, then it’s your job to be taking care of Y/N, not neglecting her. When’s the last time you’ve engross in an actual conversation with her when you were fully sober?”

Your mother was silent. She quickly walked up to Akira and grabbed her by the hair and slammed her headfirst against the wall.

“You’ve got a big mouth! Maybe I should wash it with soap like I did back in the day, hm?” Akira was attempting to push her mother away, but she wouldn’t let go of her grip. The man that was still on your mother’s bed was in panic, yelling her name, which didn’t have any effect. He might as well stop.

"Look," Akira mumbled, struggling to get away from your mother's grip, "I know it's been hard ever since dad left-"

“Mom! Let go of her!” You cried from the door of her room.

All 3 adults froze and looked at your glassy eyes, mouths wide open.

“Hey, kiddo, I thought you were asleep?” Akira playfully said, your mother let go of Akira and crossed her arms then looked away from you.

“Well, I can't really go to sleep when there’s a bunch of adults yelling about my well-being,” you muttered incoherently. You quickly wiped the uncontrollable tears off your face and sighed.

“Honey,” your mom started, she walked slowly to you, carefully examined your face, and attempted to hug you, but you didn’t accept the offer which made your mother frown. She stopped walking until she was almost face to face with you and placed a hand on your shoulder gently. “Baby, your sister told me that you weren’t happy. Is this true?”

You looked away from her and stared dully at the floor, subtly shifting your feet, then you softly shook your head “no.”

“See Akira, Y/N is happy. So please stop stressing her out.” Your mother said through gritted teeth, then faced you once again. “Y/N honey, how about I go tuck you into bed, hm? I’m so sorry for the excessive noise that was caused.”

“Mom, how clueless can you be? Y/N looks miserable! It’s unhealthy for Y/N to be living-“

Slap.

Your mother just slapped Akira on the face.

“I know what’s best for my daughter! I am her mother! You are not the one who should be telling me how to take care of my own kid!”

“That’s enough, Sakiya.” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Fumeiko-“

“It’s fine. Sakiya, we need to talk.” It was Fumeiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, also known as your next door neighbor. She had been standing in the hallways the whole time, you didn’t even know she was there. Akira was the one who called her over.

That night your mother agreed to get help for her drinking problem. She was gone for 6 months. During those 6 months, the Suna’s took you in since Akira would be in college and you couldn’t have been more grateful.

You and Rintaro were the only kids in the house, being that you both were the same age and the others were in college. It was okay, they were all very polite, dinners were awkward, you could feel some sort of tension between the family but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

When your mom finally came back, it was awkward at first. She still seemed the same, loving and caring, just sober and free of alcohol. It was nice. You two spent the weekends bonding at the mall, watching a movie, or even getting your nails done. Eventually, she gained your trust back, and you couldn’t have been happier.

January 2017.

“Akira, don’t say that. You may not believe me now, but you are such an amazing person, don’t ever think you’ll never find love again. It’s all about having a positive mindset!” you said, thoughtfully stroking her hair as her head laid on your chest.

“I told you that.”

“You did,” you chuckled, “you should take your own advice.

“Oh, shut up!” you both laughed, and Akira let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Of course, you don't need to thank me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

— so this is one of the writings that i wrote in January 😭 it’s been in my drafts and i re-read it once and instantly hated it right after. if there’s any typos please tell me!!

— also i wanna apologize again for putting gmds on hiatus,, i feel so bad 😭 i wanna make it up to you guys but idk how so if you have suggestions pls tell me

[jasiper]

golden

fine line series 1/12

you’re so golden

i’m out of my head

i know that you’re scared

because hearts get broken

A golden state of mind. That’s the California dream, isn’t it? The place where dreams come true, where fleeting thoughts can transform into a tangible reality. The place where the sun never seems to set. The place where nobody is sad—and if someone is sad, there are the means to not feel sad anymore.

Piper’s life seemed to begin—and end—in the golden state. Her dad was living the golden life, making money and walking the red carpets and flashing his pearly whites on the big screen. When she went to the store, his face was plastered on every other magazine cover. He was what the famous people called a California dream. He made something out of nothing. His daughter? Well, she was trying.

But even trying is a generous word for her. California is the place where her dad found his career but lost Piper in the frenzy of the media. This was the place she felt the most alone. This is the place she found herself in the backseat of a police cruiser. This is the place she appeared in court. This is the place where her dad told her she shouldn’t be. She found herself forced across state lines and as she stared over the desert, she saw that Nevada had golden sunsets. Just like California. Only there was no water to reflect the light—only miles and miles of dry land and broken dreams and white walls where bad kids like her resided. But Piper wasn’t a bad kid. She just couldn’t find a place in the golden state.

Dreams came true in California. Only her dream didn’t.

Most people found heartbreak later on in life. Piper felt her first heartbreak as a kid. She should have been tucked into bed by her dad after a bedtime story with a kiss on the forehead. She fell asleep alone, clutching a teddy bear to her chest because her dad was off shooting another movie. Dance recitals meant that she looked out at the audience without a familiar face in sight. She never attended a daddy/daughter dance. Her first heartbreak was due to her own father’s negligence. She promised herself that no one would ever hurt her the way her dad did.

As Piper expected, she didn’t experience a golden state of mind in California. She felt that anticipated bliss in the middle of the winter in New York.

After a whirlwind December, everything Piper thought she knew turned out to be false. Her entire world flipped upside down. It took her the whole month of January to learn the ropes of being half-god. Turns out, there are a lot of things to be taught when your mother is the Greek goddess of love, including how to fight with a dagger, how to detect monsters, and how to come to terms with the fact that an evil earth entity is waking up. Maybe Piper would never achieve the California dream her dad was living; how could she? Everything she ever knew was a lie. Even if she had believed in God or whatever before all of this, she isn’t sure she’d be able to handle the real truth well.

If not for Leo, Piper probably wouldn’t survive this. Not with her life in jeopardy. Not with the knowledge of being a charmspeaker. And certainly not with the fact that her boyfriend wasn’t really her boyfriend at all.

It seems shallow, even to Piper. Her dad almost died and she almost died and the world almost ended but the Mist incident was—and still is—the lowest blow in this entire mess. The closest thing to a golden state of mind was just a hallucination, an illusion, a dream. So ironic since her mom is Aphrodite; shouldn’t her one success be in the romance department?

It took two months for them to kiss (for real this time). It happened so fast, it felt like a dream. Piper was being her usual nervous self, fiddling with her own fingers and she was babbling away and suddenly Jason leaned in to kiss her. The warm feeling in her stomach didn’t go away for a whole week after the kiss. She was smiling like an idiot even while training. Leo gave her shit for her grin and Annabeth rolled her eyes, but she didn’t care. The boy she liked kissed her after everything she endured—Jason didn’t have to like her after the Mist gave her fake memories.

But Piper stopped smiling when reality sank in. Sure, she and Jason were now exclusive, but when did things ever go right for demigods? She heard of the tragedy of her late older sister, Silena, and her boyfriend Beckendorf. Things ended horribly for them. She looked to her new friend, Annabeth, and her tired grey eyes, defeated from dead ends in the search to find her missing boyfriend. There were picture frames lining the walls of the Big House. Half of the faces were strangers to her even though the picture was recent, and although Chiron would never say it, she knew they were dead. How many people really achieved a happy ending here? Camp Half-Blood was the self-proclaimed safe place for Greek demigods, but she felt like she was walking on a gravesite.

And even if Piper somehow were to beat the odds and live through this war, love was never kind. Anyone could see that, not just a daughter of Aphrodite. She grew up in Hollywood’s backyard—she saw the headlines reporting that celebrity couples were divorcing. Love, as powerful as it is, is cruel. It’s ruthless and even has gods at its mercy. Her mother is feared for a reason.

If her own father had the ability to break her heart, what was stopping Jason from doing the same thing?

The walls go up. Piper feels like a child again, staring at her darkened bedroom wall, wishing more than anything that she could live her life without fear.

Unlike her past, someone recognizes that her walls are up.

It must have been hours upon hours of sparring. A sidestep, a parry, a kick to the dummy’s chest. When the dummy fell, Piper would wipe her sweaty forehead, take a breath, pick up the dummy, and start again. A mindless, tedious routine. Anything to get the image of her bedroom wall out of her mind. Anything to chase away the irrational fear dormant in her chest. 

By the time she kicks down the dummy again, she looks up mid-forehead wipe and sees Jason. He stands about five feet away, frustratingly dashing in his black tank top with the sleeves cut off. His sword hangs from the sheath on his hip and by the look of his own sweaty brow, Piper can only guess he had been training as well. When he runs his fingers through his hair—which is glistening in the sun, may she add—she can see his tattoo, forever a reminder of the Mist.

“You’ve been out here for a while,” Jason finally says after several moments of silence.

Piper sheaths her knife. When she finally allows her body to relax, she notices how her arms feel like jello. She’s more exhausted than she thought. “Not too long. I’m still a little shaky on my technique,” she answers, voice hoarse.

Jason bends down and grabs her water bottle. He extends an arm and she gratefully takes it, taking a swig. As she’s drinking, he says gently, “Pipes, you’ve been out here for hours. Annabeth was ready to drag you away from the dummy herself, but I didn’t think you’d appreciate that when you’re so, uh, on edge.”

On edge? Am I on edge? Piper wants to ask, but she can see Jason’s concern even though he tries to hide it. There’s that crease between his eyebrows that develops when he’s worried. She saw it when she broke her ankle and got hypothermia. She doesn’t like how he’s worried. He shouldn’t be worried, right?

“I’m fine,” Piper replies, though she doesn’t sound so sure.

The crease only deepens between his eyes. “Really? Fine?”

Piper’s knuckles are white around her water bottle. Jason’s looking at her with a concerned, almost bewildered expression. This should comfort her; someone with the intention of breaking her heart shouldn’t be this worried about her, right?

But Jason is a good person. Break him down to his soul and that’s what he is: a good person. He’s the kind of guy who offers up half of his sandwich if someone forgot to pack lunch. He’s the kind of guy who holds the door open for a crowd of people even if they’re ten feet away. He’s also the kind of guy who jumps into the Grand Canyon for a complete stranger.

What’s stopping a good person from realizing he made a mistake and leaving and unintentionally breaking Piper’s heart anyway?

“Pipes?” Jason’s voice snaps her out of her reverie. “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.”

“I’m fine,” is her instant reply. Her voice wobbles and she winces because she does not sound fine. Jason’s look of concern grows more apparent and she clears her throat to try speaking again. “Really. Just… Wow, I am so tired. You’re right, I’ve been out here for a while and I’m tired and probably dehydrated—”

“Piper—”

Piper sidesteps away as Jason moves forward. She turns so she’s walking backward, careful not to turn her back on him to assure him she’s alright. “I really need to shower and probably lay down. I’m fine, really, I am, I just—”

Her ankle snags on something on the ground as she backpedals. She tries to balance her weight a moment too late, her body too exhausted to keep herself upright. She braces herself for impact as she trips ungracefully—pun not intended— over the mysterious object on the ground.

Before she can hit the ground, a hand wraps around her wrist and tugs her forward. The momentum of the pull sends her flying and she crashes into a warm, firm body. It takes her a few seconds to realize she’s in Jason’s arms, his hands gripping her biceps. She turns her head to see that she dripped over the dummy she had been sparring with a few minutes ago.

“Piper,” Jason begins slowly, worry laced in his words, “what is going on?”

The worry in his voice isn’t enough to free Piper from her fear. She looks into his eyes and irrationally sees the end to a very recent relationship and it’s all too much to handle. It’s dumb, it’s irrational, it’s flat-out stupid to think about nonexistent relationship problems with her perfectly kind boyfriend when she’s probably destined to die from Mother Nature herself but here she is, in Jason’s arms, and it’s all too much.

Piper pushes her perfectly good boyfriend away and tries to ignore the hurt flashing to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I have to—I can’t—”

A crowd has formed. The volleyball game between some Apollo and Athena kids has come to a complete standstill. Annabeth is in her usual spot for this time of the afternoon, perched in front of her cabin, a book in her hands, and even from several yards away Piper can see those disappointed grey eyes. The only thing making this situation less embarrassing is the fact that Leo isn’t there; he’s busy with his siblings working on the Argo II. If Leo had to see Piper like this…

“Pipes?” Jason makes one last attempt. “What’s going on? Talk to me. Please.”

“I can’t, Jason,” Piper manages, voice shaky, and the edges of her vision blur together as tears prick her eyes. “I can’t.”

It takes all of her willpower not to sprint back to her cabin. She lowers her head and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her chest—the same sinking feeling she felt when she boarded a plane to Nevada—as she walks away.

***

“You’re going to have to talk to him, you know.”

“I know I do. I just… can’t right now.”

“You already missed dinner last night. And breakfast this morning. Are you really going to let your embarrassment keep you from eating and talking to Jason?”

Piper risks a look at Annabeth from under the pillow she has covering her face. Although Annabeth’s voice is a bit condescending, there’s no hiding the worry on her friend’s face.

“I just don’t understand, Piper,” Annabeth continues. “You chased after him for two months, hoping he’d like you back and within two weeks you’re, what, pushing him away?”

“It’s not that simple,” Piper protests, burying her face deeper into her pillow and rolling on her side to face away from Annabeth. “I’m not trying to do this.”

“You’re not trying to stop it from happening,” Annabeth says softly. “You’ve had every chance to go talk to him since yesterday and you’ve locked yourself in your cabin. You won’t even talk to Leo.”

“Leo won’t understand this.”

Annabeth’s hand, calloused from hours of training, rests on Piper’s arm. It moves down to rub her back. Annabeth isn’t one for physical comfort but she must sense Piper needs it. “Why won’t Leo understand? He’s your best friend, isn’t he?”

“Leo’s never been in a relationship,” Piper mumbles, her voice mumbled by her pillowcase. “I’m sure if I tell Leo how I feel, he’ll look at me like I’m crazy.”

“You’re pushing away the guy of your dreams. You are a little crazy,” Annabeth weakly teases.

Piper lowers her pillow and stares at the cabin wall. She stares at the picture of her and her dad in front of her face and her chest tightens. “Maybe he’s not the guy of my dreams.”

“You literally called him that after he kissed you for the first time.”

“Yeah, well, I was stupid and I wasn’t thinking straight,” Piper retorts. “I’m fifteen. What do I know about love?”

Annabeth sighs. “You’re the daughter of Aphrodite. I feel out of my element here. I’m not one for relationship advice.”

Piper chews on her bottom lip. She wonders if Annabeth would understand her crazy, irrational fear of Jason breaking her heart. If her dad, the person who raised her, could break her heart, what was stopping Jason from doing the same? Good guy or not, he has a history he still doesn’t remember, a family of Roman soldiers across the country who might change his mind. The uncertainty of her relationship—and her life—had been eating away at her sanity for weeks.

Before Piper could come up with a response to Annabeth’s comment, a knock sounds from the door. Annabeth calls out, “Who is it?”

“Uh.” Piper sits up because she recognizes that voice. “It’s me, uh, Jason.”

Annabeth looks over at Piper, eyebrows raised. Piper shrugs so Annabeth asks, “What do you need?”

“I know Piper’s in there,” Jason says through the door. “I need to talk to her. Piper? Can I please talk to you? Alone?”

“We’re not allowed to be alone in a cabin together,” is Piper’s pathetic reply.

Jason sighs. “Okay, then we don’t have to—”

Annabeth stands and quickly crosses the room despite Piper’s noise of protest. She opens the door, revealing a crestfallen Jason, and says, “I’ll keep watch. You guys need to work out whatever’s up, I don’t really know what’s up, but if we’re going to go on a quest in a few weeks, we can’t have miscommunication. Got it?”

“Understood,” Jason replies obediently.

“Piper?” Annabeth’s grey eyes flash.

“Yes,” Piper mumbles, still clutching her pillow to her chest.

“Perfect. I’ll be right outside. Yell if you need me.” Annabeth sends Piper one last stop being a baby look and shuts the door behind her.

A long silence follows the door closing behind Annabeth. Jason stands just inside the cabin, staring down at his feet, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Piper’s heart races inside her chest and she grips the pillow like a lifeline.

I just don’t understand, Piper, Annabeth’s voice echoes in Piper’s head. You chased after him for two months, hoping he’d like you back and within two weeks you’re, what, pushing him away?

“You can sit down, if you want,” Piper offers softly. Jason lifts his head and she pats the bed mattress beneath her. “I promise I won’t bite. Or yell. Or push you off.”

Jason cracks a smile and he chuckles. “Promise?”

“I promise. Come here.”

Jason finally walks over and sits on the edge of her bed. He turns his body to face her and for a moment, he studies her face. Her heart races and she wonders what he’s thinking. Although she’s getting better at reading his face, sometimes it’s impossible to know what he could be thinking.

“What… happened yesterday?” Jason asks quietly. “I noticed something was wrong a few days ago, but I didn’t… I just thought you were a little down, which is totally understandable. But yesterday you really worried me. Did I do something wrong?”

It takes Piper a few seconds to realize Jason blames himself. She blinks and rapidly shakes her head. “What? No, no, of course not. You haven’t done anything wrong. I mean it. If you did, I would tell you.”

“Are you sure?” Suddenly Jason isn’t the son of Jupiter, or Zeus, or whatever. He’s not the guy who fought the king of the giants with a piece of scrap wood. He’s not the guy who jumped into the Grand Canyon to save her. He’s a scared, insecure fifteen-year-old boy who looks worried about messing up.

If only he knew the only one messing up was her.

“Jason.” Piper pushes away the pillow and scoots closer to him. She takes his hands into his, threading her fingers through hers. She looks up to meet his eyes and she sees the fear. She has to swallow her embarrassment from yesterday’s blowup as she says, “You are… perfect. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I feel like I have,” Jason whispers. “You’ve been so distant. So quiet. I thought you were overwhelmed with the upcoming quest and the fear and everything because I’m scared, too. But yesterday it seemed like you were distant from me and me only.”

Her stomach twists into knots. The hurt in his voice is so evident and it’s her fault. Her irrational fears have forced a perfectly good guy, a guy who likes her, to doubt himself. Some girlfriend she is.

“I’m… scared,” Piper breathes. Jason leans in closer, staring at her with such an intense gaze that she forces herself to look away. “I didn’t realize how scared I was until we got together.”

“Scared?” Jason asks. “Scared of… me?”

“No,” Piper assures him. She squeezes his fingers and he brings their intertwined hands up to kiss her knuckles as he sighs out a breath of relief. “Scared of… this.”

“This?” Jason keeps her knuckles against his lips. “Our relationship?”

As Piper hears it out loud, she realizes how stupid she’s being. She nods miserably, staring at her knees. “Scared of trusting someone this much.”

“Is it me? Or just in general?” Jason asks. His voice is so kind and understanding that it makes Piper want to cry.

“In general… and a little bit of you,” Piper admits. “I know that Hera’s meddling wasn’t your fault, but the Mist really messed me up.”

Jason kisses her fingertips this time. “Gods, I know. It would mess anyone up. I am still so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. The Mist and my dad and the whole demigod thing… It was a lot to swallow at once, you know? That and all of my baggage.”

“Baggage?” Jason sounds confused.

“You know. The relationship with my dad. Not having a mom.”

“Oh.” Jason tightens his grip on her hand. “Yeah. Not having a mom… sucks.”

Piper realizes how insensitive she sounds—she has a mom. Sure, Aphrodite is a goddess, but she’s still alive. She’s there in her own weird, annoying, immortal way. But Jason… His mom was abusive and she gave him away when he was a toddler and now she’s dead. At least Piper had her dad, which is more than what Jason could say; Jason has never met Zeus and judging by the tallies tattooed on his arm, his dad has had more than enough time to pop in and say hi. If Piper has it bad, Jason has it worse.

“It’s… so stupid and it’s unfair of me to be taking it out on you,” Piper continues. “But I thought I knew you and then it was all the trick of the Mist. I’m still getting to know you. And trust me, I like what I know. I really, really do. But my own dad broke my heart, Jason. He neglected me for years, thinking he was providing for us. He was gone for days and weeks at a time. He missed every dance recital, every parent-teacher conference. He didn’t see me graduate from middle school. He didn’t come to my first soccer game. My dad missed everything. I know it sounds so unfair because I had a dad, I had a pretty normal life and you didn’t, but my dad… I was a kid and he broke my heart. My own dad did that. If the person who raised me could do that much damage, what’s stopping any other person from doing the same thing? Is something wrong with me? Are you going to wake up one day and realize I’m not the person you want and leave?”

Jason is quiet for a long time after she finishes speaking. Her heart hammers uncomfortably in her throat and she’s afraid that she just drove him away. He probably sees the fifty shades of crazy she is and doesn’t want a part of that—who would want this? A BMW stealing girl who got sent to court for wanting attention? Someone who is pushing away a perfectly good person just because her dad wasn’t around? If he wants to run for the hills, she wouldn’t be able to blame him.

“My mom’s name was Beryl,” Jason says softly. “She was an actress. Hollywood’s starlet. Attracted Zeus himself not once, but twice. And when he left, she lost it. Drowned herself in every bottle she could get her hands on. I don’t remember this, but Thalia says she raised me. She was a kid and making my bottles and changing my diapers. I wouldn’t want anyone to be raised the way I was, but then to make matters worse, my mom abandoned me in the forest? She left a two-year-old in the forest with a wolf goddess to fend for himself. I didn’t even know any of this until a few weeks ago. I… I didn’t even know my mom broke my heart until recently, and I’m so angry about it.”

Piper’s chest tightens. “Jason, I’m so sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry. I’m so upset and I don’t even remember this woman. You know your dad. Your dad has recently hurt you, Pipes. You have a right to be upset. You have a right to be afraid of me. I don’t think I get that right because I hardly even know who I am.”

“I don’t accept that,” Piper argues. “You can be upset over something you don’t remember. Your mom changed your whole life. She forced you away from your sister. I’d be angry, too. I’d be furious. You’re allowed to be furious and you’re allowed to be afraid of me, too.”

Jason’s eyes are frustratingly soft when he whispers, “But I’m not afraid.”

“How?” Piper murmurs. She leans in even closer and when she does so, Jason raises one hand to cup her cheek. “How are you not terrified that I’m going to break your heart like your mom broke yours?”

“Pipes, even if you did break my heart, I’m sure I’d deserve it,” Jason says. “I was a baby then. My mom was a drunk. What she did… It wasn’t okay. That was neglect. I look at you and I’m not scared. I trust you with every cell in my body. You… you trusted me when I was just an illusion. You kept trusting me when you found out I was a Roman. You keep trusting me. You trust that I’m going to lead us to defeat Gaea and keep us alive. How could someone like you be someone I’m scared of?”

Piper’s heart skips a beat and she stares at him, a lump forming in her throat. “We might die.”

“You’re right, we might.”

“Gaea… she’s capable of killing us.”

“Yep. She is.”

“Aren’t you terrified?”

Without skipping a beat, Jason nods. “I am. But I look at you and it doesn’t seem so scary.”

It’s like falling all over again. She stares into his deep blue eyes and it’s a slow tug, a warm feeling pooling in her stomach, and she’s back at the Grand Canyon; he saved her from a death fall. He’s holding her upright, keeping her from hitting the ground. This boy in front of her is not her father. Even if he wanted to, she’s convinced he couldn’t break her heart. He could try and he’d never intentionally hurt her.

When Piper leans in, Jason meets her halfway. She kisses him softly, his warm hand cupping her cheek and his fingers burying themselves in her hair. His lips taste like strawberries and he smells of Old Spice. She melts against his lips and pulls him closer. He complies, both of his hands on her cheeks, soft and warm and comforting.

By the time they pull away, Jason’s cheeks are red and Piper’s breathless. He presses her forehead to hers and for a moment, they just look at each other.

“Next time you feel this way, can you please tell me?” Jason murmurs. “I’m pretty dumb and I can’t read your mind, even though I wish I could. I know years of abandonment aren’t going to be healed by a talk with me, but I want to help. I want you to know I’m here and I’m not going to leave you, Pipes.”

Piper feels her lips curl up in a tiny smile. “Thank you. You handled my crazy and that’s something I never asked you to do.”

“You’re not crazy, but you’re welcome.” Jason kisses her forehead. “Waking up on that bus… I felt so alone. I didn’t know who I was, and I’m still learning. But you… took control of my fears and you made me less afraid. You make me feel like me if who I am is the person I was before I woke up.”

“I don’t know who that person is either, but if you’re anything like who you used to be, I know I trust you,” Piper whispers. She pulls him in for another soft kiss. “I know you’re probably busy, but I haven’t eaten all day so I am starving. Can we head to lunch before going to Bunker Nine?”

Jason smiles and nods. “Anything for you.” He stands up and offers her his hand, which she takes. “Maybe we can take some strawberries before lunch. Sound like a plan?”

Beaming, Piper presses herself against his side. “You read my mind. Let’s go.”

And as they step out into the daylight, Piper can’t help but admire how the sun makes everything golden.

[daddysfangirls-marvel]

Goth Boss (2)

Warning: language, angst, mention of self-harm, 

summary: Tony stark x daughter goth reader. The avengers find out that Tony has a secret teenage daughter and make tony ask her to visit. But when they meet her the avengers find out why she was kept secret.( could bucky and Steve he terrified of how y/n looks since they are from a different time and seeing a goth girl for the first time scares them) (tony has a strained relationship with y/n as she grew up without him and he kept her secret) 

Part 1 | Part 2 |

 They were in an old-timey diner late at night sitting in a booth in the back and keeping a low profile. (Y/n) was looking out the window at the passing cars and closing stores while Tony was more focused on the black coffee spiked with a hint of Vodka in front of him. She got a cup of black tea in front of her. Neither of them said anything and the air around them was very tense.

(Y/n) was aware that her mother sat down and told Tony all the significant things he missed in her life the good and the bad. He was surprised to learn how many things she missed he was more surprised to learn that she actively tried to get him involved in these things.  He missed so many things and he had only himself to blame.

When a problem arose with (Y/n) Tony simply threw money at it without even learning what the problem was and pushed it on to others. But what really surprised him was that (Y/n)’s mother didn’t use any of the money he gave her not even the child support. She had a couple million dollars on the side due to this.

“Are you going to keep staring at your coffee or are you going to talk?” she sighed heavily and rubbed her forehead ”It’s Sunday night I have school in the morning I have a test tomorrow and I haven’t even studied for it .” 

“Geometry test, right?... Peter told me and since-”

“Cut the shit Stark. What do you want?”

“I thought we were going to try” he laughed awkwardly “ You know you don’t have to call me Mr. Stark”

“Baby steps. Now Mr. Stark you better start talking before I start walking. I don’t have all night” (Y/n) was extremely tired and tired (Y/n) was moody (Y/n) and she didn’t have time for bull shit like this, unfortunately.

“ I talked to your mother. I never realized how much of your life I’ve missed-”

“I call Bullshit” (y/n) said leaning back and crossing her arms a look of irritation on her face “ I... I missed my very first day of school because you said you would take me and you never showed up but mom didn’t have the heart to tell me you weren’t coming and I waited. Later in life, I learned you were partying in the Bahamas. I remember the first play I was in I called you nonstop to make sure you would come you were on a yacht off the coast partying again. Or the father-daughter dance I got dolled up and waited all night for you, I was the only girl in school who didn’t go the other girls without fathers managed to get their older brothers, uncles, and grandfathers to take them. You didn’t show up for anything. Except for that one dance recital, you showed up at the very end smelling like booze and swaying on your feet we took you home and I tried to show you the video but you passed out of the couch hours later you woke up sick and rushed to the bathroom you never made it... you threw up on me instead.”

“she- your-”

“Mom never knew because I didn’t tell her I cleaned up and dragged you back to the living room. I was seven. After that, I stopped doing dances, plays, and recitals I never liked them anyways I only did them to get your attention. But after that night I realized that if that was the attention you were going to give me I didn’t want it. I rather have those monthly five-minute phone calls than threw up in my hair.” (Y/n) looked down at her remaining tea it was cold she chugged it down.

“ I gave up on you when I was seven. I didn’t want you anymore after that... My being goth isn’t a rebellion against you, as you said when I was 14. Me stopping those plays, dance recitals, and performances was a rebellion against you. Me turning those monthly five-minute phone calls to two-minute phone calls then every six months a minute phone call was a rebellion against you. Me doing everything in my will power to be nothing like you is my rebellion against you. Me knowing and growing to be perfectly fine without you is my rebellion against you. 

“Look at me I’m 16 going on 17. I’m going to graduate next year. I have grown into a proper, fine, and functional adult I am an amazing woman. And you contributed to none of this” 

(Y/n) stood up opening her purse and putting a few dollars on the table for her tea. She felt good right now she felt confident and she was proud of herself. She has never spoken her mind on the case of her father to anyone and it felt good to let it out even if it was only a fraction of what she truly wanted to say. With a confident smile on her face, she turned to walk away but someone grabbed her wrist stopping her. She looked down to find Tony in tears her smile slowly faded as shame and guilt began to build.

No. She wasn’t in the wrong.

“P-please... give me another chance, let me fix it. I promise -just give me another chance” her heart clenched as his lip quivered.

“I’ve given you a hundred and one chance. Every time I called you for help that was a chance, every time I or my mother dialed your number that was a chance, every ring was a chance, every sent straight to voice mail was a chance, Every tear I shed for you was a chance. And that last phone call where you said I never brought good news and that I was a problem child nothing less nothing more that was your last chance.” She snatched her hand away “ I sorry to get your hopes up but now you know how I felt every time you didn’t show up and broke a promise. I’m not giving you another chance goodbye Mr. Stark.”

And with that (Y/n) quickly left the diner and began to walk down a random street. She didn’t know where she was going but she had to getaway.

“I’M SORRY” Tony screamed as he chased her out of the diner. She turned around quickly.

“Sorry? Sorry doesn’t- Sorry doesn’t turn back time and give me a real father, sorry doesn’t show up at my performances, sorry doesn’t wipe my tears, Sorry doesn’t erase the words you said, fix the promises you broke. SORRY, SORRY, SORRY. Sorry doesn’t fix anything. Sorry does jack shit. Fuck your sorry and fuck your fucking tears. You abandoned me so I’m abandoning you. I’m done”

(Y/n) didn’t even realize it started raining until she was a few blocks away. She didn’t even realize she was lost until she was soaked to the bone. Running under an awning she quickly dialed the only number that came to mind she didn’t even know who she actually dialed until she heard their voice.

“Hey, what are you doing up so late?” Peter answered

“I’m lost and wet and cold. Please... h-help.” (Y/n) didn’t know why but she began to sob hard she couldn’t even hold her self up her knees buckled and she collapsed on the grown.

“Woah, Woah, baby calm down. I’m on my way can you give me a street name or something. A Name of a building?” Peter was in between panic mode and superhero/ super boyfriend mode right now. (Y/n) was a mess on the other end of the line as tried to give him the name of the building she was in front of but another sob and a mess of words he couldn't make out came out. Fortunately for Peter Karen tracked (y/n)’s phone for him and put her location up. He knew exactly where she was.

“Hold on baby I’m on my way”

It took Tony a while to gather himself then he got to his car and he let the dam break. He was sobbing like a child good thing his windows were tinted because it was disgusting. Gathering himself enough to start the engine he began to drive. He got to a light when something caught the corner of his eye he saw a someone sitting in front of a store soaking wet and crying it was a little girl. It was his little girl. Tony quickly began to unbuckle himself and step out of the car. But before he could even open the door all the way something landed in front of his daughter. 

Spider-Man.

The friendly Arachnids picked her up and quickly swung away before Tony could even react completely.

(Y/n) was shivering and shaking as Peter set her on her feet. “What happened ?” he asked as he looked around his room for a towel and dry clothes. 

“I... I told Tony I was going to give him another chance but then I thought about it and I realized I didn’t want to give him another chance. And that’s what I told him” Peter jumped as he turned around he found (y/n) standing in her underwear with her back towards him. He cleared his throat and handed her a towel over her shoulder.

“w-why were you out in the rain?”

“We were at a diner I left when it started raining and I got lost. I’m sorry for pulling you from your patrol.” Peter gave her some dry clothes without looking.

“No, I’m happy you called me. I would have come to you no matter where or when you called me” Peter felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and hug him from behind.

“Still,” she said kissing his back.

“How about you spend the night? I’ll put your clothes in the drier” He pulled her hands up to his both giving her knuckles gentle kisses.

“Thank you, Peter” 

(Y/n) messaged her mom to let her know she would be staying at Peter’s place. Of course, she had questions but once Tony’s name was mentioned she left it alone. But she did call May and let her know that (y/n) as there.

Peter put her clothes in the drier changed into some sweat pants and slid into bed with her. He kissed her forehead as he wrapped his arms around her.

“ Listen, I’m not going to get involved in your situation with Tony.” And Peter really wasn’t he knew despite them dating and their feeling towards each other she was quite envious of his relationship with Tony and she had told him this. She wanted the relationship that he had with her father. Peter knew all of this and in order to keep the peace and not upset her, he never mentioned Tony or his work with him. He changed his name in his phone to ‘The Boss’, when he talked to others about him he called him ‘The Boss’, and whenever he had to go to him he said he was going to ‘Work’. He basically made it so Tony’s name was never mentioned in the presence of (y/n). And he never mentioned (y/n) while at the tower or with Tony none of the Avengers even knew they were dating. Only their friend in their small circle May and her mother knew they were dating, that was about five people.

“I’m not going to get involved but please don’t let this drag you down don’t let this hurt you beyond repair. I care about you too much to watch you in pain.”

(Y/n) leaned forward kissing him “ What did I do to deserve you?”

“That’s my line” she laughed a bit before her breathing slowed down and she slowly fell asleep to the sound of Peter’s beating heart. 

Peter didn’t go to sleep so soon he instead spent a few more hours staring at her, stroking her hair, and gently kissing her fingers. In kissing her fingers the sleeve of her (his) sweater slid down her revealing her wrist which was covered in scars both horizon and vertical. His heart panged at the sight of her, no doubt, self-inflicted wounds. Peter choked on a cry as tears began to fall. How could she be in so much pain and no one notice? How could she hide such pain?

Peter sniffled and wiped his tears. He couldn’t question her he shouldn’t have been prying into her business even if it was by accident. But he knew now to stop questioning her on her sweaters all the time. Taking a few deep breaths and calming down Peter brought her scared wrist to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss and squeeze. He didn’t sleep at all that night.

-

(Y/n) woke up startled a loud crash traveled through the apartment. She looked around trying to see where the panic was but then she realized that this wasn’t her room and she wasn’t at home. Then a raging headache introduced itself to her along with the oh so bright light. Moving quickly she shuts the blinds it was then that she realized she was in Peter’s room and in his clothes.

“Oh shit” she whispered as she clenched the sweater shirt, that was very clearly not her, to her chest. She did not recall all of the events of last night, especially what happened once she arrived all that was blank. Did they... do it?

“Hey,” Peter said as he slowly kicked the door open carrying a tray of food “ I made breakfast” he place the tray on his desk he turns to her and notices her distress. “ Hey, hey is everything okay? What’s wrong?”

“I... what happened last night?”

“Um... I picked you up in the rain after your talk with Tony swung you here. You changed out of your wet clothes, I didn’t see anything. And we went to bed. Nothing happened last night nothing like that. We slept actual sleep.”

(Y/n) sighed in relief as she fell back against the pillows. Peter then place the breakfast tray on her lap.

“You should eat. You’ve been asleep for a very long time” (Y/n) laughed a bit but then she looks out the window then to the clock on Peter’s desk. It read 10:17 am.

“OH MY GOSH WE’RE LATE “ (Y/n) was about to jump out of bed but Peter stopped her pushing her back on the bed.

“We’re skipping today. May and your mom called in sick for us. We’ve got today and probably tomorrow to do whatever. Listen don’t worry about all of that right now. Eat. I got to go clean the kitchen it was like a hurricane hit it.” He kissed her forehead and tried to quickly scurry off

“Peter?” he stopped and turned back to her “ Thank you”. 

He blushed and stuttered a bit before deciding he had nothing say and left tripping as he went. She laughed at his shy and clumpiness. He was adorable. 

It was (y/n) turn to blush when she looked down and realized her pancakes were misshapen hearts. In the hall leaning against the wall, Peter smiled as he heard her giggle. It might have taken him a good hour and a half to get it good but at least she liked them. Now he was off to clean the kitchen. Now that was going to take some time.

-

It was her lunch break and she was sitting in a park staring at her phone Peter had promised to have (Y/n) call her as soon as she had woken up it was noon now and she hadn’t received any call yet. She was starting to worry. Her phone rang.

“ (Y/N)”

“Um...n-no”

“Tony?”

“Y-yeah...You haven’t heard from (y/n)?”

“no, she spent the night at Peter’s. She wasn’t feeling well and he took care of her. She was supposed to call me when she woke up.” She probably shouldn’t have shared that information with him but she could hear the distress in his voice and she knew Tony was with her last night. “what happened last night I thought you two were coming back together?”

“She... she changed her mind... Remember that time I woke up on the floor in the middle of your living room and you were super pissed. You never told me why you were angry.”

She sighed so she told him that story. Although she had shared many stories with Tony about the bad things he did in (y/n)’s childhood she left many stories out as one she wasn't supposed to know those stories and two she knew he had no memory of any of the events and three they were all just so terrible she just wanted to pretend they never happened. Meaning a huge chunk of (y/n) childhood was missing and, although it wasn’t pretty, the man was very present at the beginning of her childhood at least everything that had dealt with Tony was forgotten or a distant memory she didn’t want.

Tony did a lot of bad things caused a lot of pain and he didn’t even know it and honestly, she wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. He was a better man now, sort of, she didn’t tell and wouldn’t tell of his past demons. He was trying.

“... was I really that bad?”

“Oh, Tony. You were terrible, awful, horrible. The absolute worse. You were so bad that there were days I got on my knees and prayed to Lucifer himself that he’d take you because heaven definitely wasn’t answering my prayers... you were that bad Tony.”

“I-I sound terrible, Oh I was terrible.” he laughed but she could hear his voice crack she could imagine the tears streaming down his face. “ I’ve ch-changed now. I promise I’ve changed now.”

“I Know Tony. I’ve seen it you’ve changed and you’re so much better now but just because you’ve changed doesn’t mean the past has”

“She changed her mind. She doesn’t -she doesn’t want to anymore. She doesn’t want to fix anything anymore.”

She sighed heavily “ Tony, in order to put something back together there needs to pieces and unfortunately, there are no more pieces left. You broke her she got tired of waiting for you to pick up the pieces and fix her so she went picked them up herself and tossed them out.”

Her heart broke as she heard Tony sob over the phone. They are separated, and were never together, to begin with, but she still held love for him and worried for him. But she couldn’t help him here all she could do was listen to his cries. She didn’t like it she had to do something.

“Tony, What are you doing tonight?”

“Um crying” he let out a sad laughed she could hear the tears in his voice.

“Let's meet up tonight. Let’s talk”

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[tylergparker]

— && guests may mistake me as ( kaylee bryant ), but really i am ( tyler parker + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 10/31/97 ). i am applying for the ( waitress ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( #215 ). i should be hired because i am ( + playful, ambitious, clever ), but i can also be ( - hot-headed, crass, resentful ) at times. personally, i like to ( paint, collect cute socks, make playlists ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work. thank you for your consideration!

ooc;; when will i not be throwing new kids at y’all amiright? maybe one day i’ll leave y’all alone lmfao. but for now, here is my child, tyler. i hope you like her but if you don’t, that’s chill, too, i can’t make you do things. as we know, i’m not your mom.

{ TW: religious undertones / general religion + emotional abuse + teen pregnancy + mentions of abortion + mentions of depression }

background;;

Tyler Grace Parker was born and raised in a suburb of San Diego, California to Daniel and Janine Parker. Daniel was a pastor at their local church, and Janine was a stay at home mom - though the woman had always desired more for herself; in particular she had goals of being a prima ballerina, but when she had tried for it at a younger age, she didn’t make the cut.

Tyler was raised predominantly Christian, given her father was a pastor and all. It was mostly something that stuck with the family - they went to church as a family unit every Wednesday evening and every Sunday morning as well as taking part in church community events, they prayed before every meal and most nights before bed, Tyler was in youth group for several years while her mom and dad both served in the church in some capacity. It was a big part of her upbringing, but it didn’t stunt her socially - she didn’t try to feed the same beliefs to her friends at school, and outside of home she didn’t talk much about church or what they believed; that was her family’s business.

Something else Tyler was raised with was ballet. She started when she was just four years old, and as a child it was a fun activity for her. She loved ballet because she had other little friends she got to see, recitals were fun for her, it wasn’t anything serious - she got to be pretty and she got to dance; it was simple for a young child. When she hit about 10 years old, though, her mother really started in on the projecting her own squashed dreams of being a ballerina on her daughter. Janine became very intense about putting pressure on Tyler to be the best, to not miss classes, to practice more. She would critique her daughter’s form, have her run the same things over and over in a practice studio, etc. It became something that made Tyler begin to almost resent this thing that she had once loved doing. She spent a handful of years trying to grapple with a love that she had for ballet and how it was slowly but surely being taken away from her.

When she was fifteen years old, early on in her sophomore year of high school, Tyler met Dylan Patterson. He was a year above her in school, but that didn’t change how fast and hard Tyler fell for him. Dylan was in the school’s jazz band, but he also happened to be the son of Tyler’s favorite art teacher, Ms. Patterson. Dylan was the oldest of three siblings, and his mother was a single mom, he picked up a part time fast food job to help his mom out on top of going to school, that Patterson’s weren’t a church-going family, either. Tyler saw nothing but good things in Dylan, she loved the way that he was so good to his family, the way he was creative, the way he could easily make her smile. Her parents, however, were not thrilled about this first boyfriend of hers. Her mom and dad thought that Dylan was a ‘bad influence’ on her, and despite the fact that she didn’t let their disapproval stop her from dating Dylan, things never got better on that front.

In fact, things got worse when at fifteen years old, Tyler found out that she was pregnant. Having sex out of wedlock was already “bad” enough, according to beliefs she had been instructed to follow all her life - beliefs she had distanced herself from little by little as she reached adolescence - but having a baby? Not to mention the fact that she was only sixteen, Dylan only seventeen. Tyler went to her mother, because that felt like what she was supposed to do - she definitely had no idea what else she was supposed to do. Janine, however, did not react as Tyler expected. She wasn’t expecting happiness at all, some tears of distress maybe, but what actually came was nothing the teenage girl had thought up in her head.

Janine wanted for Tyler to get an abortion. For a number of reasons this threw Tyler for a loop. Being pro-life was practically expected in their congregation, for her mom to insist that that was how she needed to handle her pregnancy was more than a small shock. On top of that was the fact that the woman had every intention of having her daughter get the abortion and never even telling her father she was pregnant at all. Confused and a little in shock for a few different reasons, an emotional Tyler argued with her mother against going through with that plan. The argument hit a boiling point that ended up Tyler leaving and staying at Dylan’s house for a couple of weeks.

Despite how young they were, Dylan reassured Tyler that things would be okay, that they could do anything as long as they were together. He very nearly convinced an exceptionally conflicted and concerned Tyler to keep the baby and be a family, the three of them. However, when her mother convinced her finally to come back home with the promise that they would tell her father everything and figure things out together, Tyler jumped on the opportunity. She loved Dylan so much, but she didn’t feel like either of them were in the position to make such heavy calls, and neither of them were ready to have a baby, that was for sure.

Telling her dad that she was pregnant went about as poorly as one might expect. Daniel was angry, notably so. It showed in the way that he yelled that night; telling Tyler what a disappointment she was, that she had ‘some nerve’ expecting some sort of support from them for something that was ‘entirely her own fault.’ There were things said about how she’d sinned, that she had gone against anything they had ever taught her. After that, her relationship with her father was distant, cold. What interactions they did have were exceedingly brief, and even what length they were, they weren’t particularly kind. Tyler was told not to come to church with them anymore - people at church inevitably found out about the pregnancy, but the way that her father put it “it was easier to avoid talking about if she wasn’t in everyone’s faces with it.”

Her mother was there for her through her pregnancy, despite being so against the whole thing in the first place. Dylan and his mom also were on top of getting her to appointments, helping take care of her, being there every step of the way through the pregnancy. Dylan did more attempting to convince Tyler that they should keep the baby, that they could do it because they loved each other. Ultimately, however, Tyler still gave their baby girl up for adoption.

After giving up their daughter, Dylan did his best to stand by Tyler, but Tyler could feel the distance between them - he wasn’t fully supportive of them giving the baby up, he thought that she was caving into her parent’s desires when he didn’t see them as right or fair. Ultimately, Dylan ended up ending their long-term relationship about a month after Tyler had given birth. Between the heavy - and admittedly unexpected - weight of having a child and giving her away, and the heartbreak of Dylan giving up on them after everything, Tyler became exceptionally depressed.

Going through the motions became just about all Tyler felt capable for a little while. She finished that school year in summer school, she started going back to church - because her father was back to acting as if nothing had even happened and she was actually his daughter once again - and she let her mother convince her that she should focus on ballet. Admittedly, Tyler held onto the smallest bit of hope that she could re-fall in love with ballet once again; she knew she had loved it so much when she was younger, she thought having that kind of positive feeling for it again might turn things around for herself.

Starting out with ballet again, it was a solid 50/50 in terms of the time that Tyler loved what she was doing, and the time that it came with heavy amounts of pressure from her mother. Once again, it became something that Tyler had to come to grips with: she wasn’t going to be given the option to just love being a part of ballet, getting to dance, her mother wasn’t going to let her have that, it was too serious for the woman. After the way that her teenage pregnancy had effected their family, though, Tyler didn’t have it in her to fight with the woman or cause anymore “rifts” in their home. So instead, she just pushed through, kept dancing.

At the end of that same summer, Daniel abruptly suggested that the family move out of state. There was a sister congregation to their church in Chicago and they were willing to give him a position in their ministry. He sold it to his wife and daughter as “a new beginning that they all needed” - something that Tyler still subconsciously holds resentment toward him for saying. Because what the hell had they gone through to need anything?

Moving to Chicago came with a big shift in Tyler’s persona. Essentially she gave a big middle finger to who she was - who her father in particular wanted her to be - and gave into a version of herself that felt like more like what she felt after the things that she had been through that year. She went from a sweet and cute and soft lady to something tougher, someone more blunt and confident. Someone darker, tougher. She stopped going to church which was a whole fight that she had to have with her dad after moving there, and since her relationship with the man has been nothing short of awful. Back to the minimal communication or whatever communication that there was between them being unpleasant, just as it had been when she’d been pregnant - if not worse because Daniel was angry with her for consciously making the choices she was.

Despite this notable switch and growth in her personality, one thing that Tyler did stick with was ballet. Not because it was something she really wanted to do, but because as long as she was doing it, it gave her something that kept her mom on her side. Living in a home with her angry and cold father was enough, she didn’t need for things to be any worse with her mother, too - even though the woman already made things difficult by putting the amount of pressure on the girl that she did. 

When Tyler graduated high school, Janine pushed her daughter to immediately go to auditions for ballet companies in Chicago, and even in a couple surrounding cities. When Tyler didn’t make the cut for any of the few ballet companies she had auditioned for, she knew that her mother was devastated - given all the projecting that she had been doing. It was more out of self preservation than actually feeling bad for her mom that kept Tyler continuing to dance ballet all the same. She went to a specialized school, even started co-teaching a couple of lower level classes during the week, if only so she wouldn’t have to hear how “after all the work they’d put in, she gave it all up, it amounted to nothing.” In reality, the girl has more resentment for the dance than anything at this point.

Year 20 came with Tyler finding out about the EHP at the Malnati, and given her less than great home circumstances, she jumped on applying. She had done a couple different serving jobs while going to dance classes still, so taking a waitress position in the fancy hotel’s restaurant fit things she was already familiar with. Leaving her mom and dad’s house was like letting out a gigantic breath she had been holding for all her life. Living in the Malnati gave her freedom to do what she wanted, when she wanted. It gave her freedom to be who she wanted without a fight, without judgment. She’s been working and living in the hotel for nearly two years now.

Something she did in her first year outside of her parent’s house was reach out to Dylan on Facebook for the first time in several years. The girl came to learn that Dylan was in contact with the couple that had adopted their daughter. He gave her the information for Rick and Shannon Carlson after asking the pair if it was just as alright for her to contact them. She now gets photos of her daughter - Sophia Marie Carlson - every now and again, usually around holidays or special occasions. She’s still yet to meet the child in person, given they live in Southern California still, but she has been given the opportunity to FaceTime with the couple and the little girl only a couple of times ( explaining that she is a friend of mommy and daddy’s, given the adoptive parents still want not to make things confusing )

personality / miscellaneous tidbits;;

Tyler was born at like 3:12 in the morning on Halloween the year that she was born and she has a running joke/theory that it was actually a curse and that’s why her life had been the mess that it’s been, and/or why certain bad things happen to her. “It’s the birthday curse, it’s fine.”

Has her septum pierced, she just either takes it out for ballet or tucks it up in her nose if she’s feeling ballsy about it.

She has a tiny ‘S.M.C.’ tattoo with an equally small heart beside it, on the inside of her right wrist; for her daughter. ( That being said, her teen pregnancy and her daughter isn’t really something she talks about openly, she’s gotta trust the person to see that like full side of her )

She’s got three, count em, three pet lizards; two bearded dragons named Jack and Sally, and a leopard gecko named Oogie. There’s a running theme there. Her room is like a lil reptile room with Jack and Sally sharing a cage and Oogie having his own - she’s serious about taking care of them, obviously.

Loves most things Tim Burton, in case her lizards being named after Nightmare Before Christmas characters didn’t give that away.

Would die for Brendon Urie and Hayley Williams, no question

Loves pop punk and general emo music; it’s something Dylan introduced her to and she kind of just fell in love with the whole style and the lyrics some of these bands wrote and stuff.

That being said, she’s a huge huge concert goer; big on shouldering her way to the front barricade at general admission shows, not afraid of being on someone else’s shoulders during things either, has definitely caught guitar picks and other such things thrown into crowds, she’s into it.

She’s a server, and has been for quite some time so she’s got customer horror stories for daaaays, probably has one of those #serverproblems tiktoks favorited and shit, because she hard retweets.

To be honest, she cares very little about what other people think at this point in her life. She spent the earlier part of her life in his little perfect cookie cutter daughter box, and then she derailed it on accident and her life has felt something like a mess since, so there’s not a lot that people can say to her that would like legitimately offend her.

On the other side of that coin is that she’s really not afraid to tell it like it is because she doesn’t particularly care if you like her adjflkajdfkl. If she thinks you’re annoying, she’ll tell you, etc. She’s also known to antagonize people who she doesn’t like just for the fuck of it, so. ...Sorry lmfao.

wanted connections;;

here’s another episode of me SUCKING AT THESE, EYYO

generally just like..... people who show her what an actual loving supportive family that doesn’t expect extremes from her would be great.

potentially someone that they hooked up like ONCE to get it out of their system and now they just antagonize each other and never let it die that they slept together when they’re picking on each other

server friends unite?? realistically works for bartenders, too, realistically lmao.

FRIGGIN CONCERT FRIENDS. GIVE THEM TO HER.

whoever's down to geek out about her lizards with her, that's the kind of friend vibe we fuck with

someone she genuinely doesn’t like and either doesn’t like her just as much for whatever reason, or maybe they keep trying to make her like them who knows

a person who asked her out on a legitimate date once and she laughed at them thinking they were fucking with her and now she can’t tell where they’re at because she won’t talk about it??? IDK BRO

somebody to help her explore the fact that she’s kind of bicurious?? got some shit to unpack there a little, though, so.

idk how it would happen, but this hard ass shell of hers has gotta be broken, she’s got so much shit repressed that she hasn’t opened up about - between shit with her parents to her pregnancy and heartbreak, and then some - and she’s not super great at trusting people on a deep enough level to let them in on all that and see that side of her so like again idk what would make this happen BUT !!!!!!! SURE.

honestly as always, i suck at this part, and i’m always open to just talk some shit out and work out some brainstormed ideas. so just hit ya girl kay up. or don’t. not your mom.

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 3.5

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: strong PG-13

Warnings: Borderline graphic description of the male anatomy

Episode Summary: Takes place in March 2013. Ellie has a video chat with her sisters to tell them about her new job and living situation.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological.  It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future.  However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 3

Episode 3.5: Sister Talk

March 30, 2013

Ellie sat on the leather sofa in the basement of the main house as she waited for the video call to connect. She hadn’t intended on telling Chris about her biweekly video chats with her three sisters, but as she stared at his big screen TV she was super glad she had, because he had shown her how to do video call on it.

The last video chat she’d had with all three of her sisters had been a couple days before her first meeting with Chris and she hadn’t told them anything about her new job or living situation just in case the whole thing fell through. Even now that everything was official, she was still a bit nervous about telling her sisters.

Eyes focused on the TV screen, Ellie grinned the second her sisters’ faces appeared in their separate boxes. She waved at them and greeted them each by name.

“Syd!” or Sydney was her oldest sister at 30 years of age. She was married to the best brother-in-law a girl could ask for, Garrett, and they lived in Seattle, Washington. They were also the parents to Ellie’s nephew, Noah, who was five years old and her niece, Chloe, who was three years old.

“Izzy!” or Isabelle was Ellie’s second youngest sister and her best friend in the entire world. Just under three years separated 27 (almost 28) year old Ellie and 25 year old Izzy, which meant they had been close. Unlike the other three girls, Izzy had blond hair like their mother’s side of the family while the other three took after their father’s side. LIke Ellie, Izzy also lived in California, but in the Bay Area where she’d recently graduated from law school. Now she and her boyfriend, Eric Montgomery, were both looking for jobs.

“Riley!” was the youngest of the four girls and was constantly updating her Twitter account with a countdown to her 21st Birthday (124 days). Growing up, she’d followed Ellie and Izzy around, doing whatever they told her to, until she got tired of being bossed around. She then became the teenager that tested their parents’ patience the most. Unlike her three older sisters, who’d gone straight from high school to college, she had taken a couple years off school off and therefore was only a sophomore instead of a senior.

Ellie hadn’t realized how lonely being in the main house and guest house had been after Chris and his mom had left until she was listening to her sisters as they shared the latest news and a little bit of gossip. She still had her job at the bookstore, but it still didn’t make up for the fact that she was coming home to an empty house all the time.

She laughed along with her sisters as they each shared amusing stories, trying to out do each other. It had been Sydney’s tale about her daughter’s ballet recital which had ended with a mouse running across the stage followed by the ballet teacher holding a broom, that had brought tears to their eyes.

Brushing tears from her cheeks, Ellie looked at the screen and knew her time had come when she saw Izzy giving her a suspicious look.

“You’ve been awful quiet tonight,” Izzy said. “And where are you? I can tell you’re not at Aunt Deena’s house because of the white wall behind you, I don’t think there is a single white wall in her house”

“Yeah, about that,” Ellie said, slowly. “I got a job.”

“What?”

“Where?”

“When?”

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

Ellie snicked as her sisters’ questions overlapped each other. She was still nervous about telling them, but she knew she had to. They’d find out soon enough.

“I’m still working at the bookstore,” she told them. “But I’m also working as a housekeeper slash housesitter for the son of someone I met at the store.”

She could tell by the look on Sydney’s face that she wasn’t impressed with the new job and she was pretty sure that Riley was painting her fingernails.

Nervous about how to address the big part of the new job, Ellie chewed on her lower lip.

“You’re not telling us something,” the ever observant Izzy stated. “You only chew on your lower lip like that when you’re not sure what to say.” She leaned in closer to her camera. “What aren’t you telling us Sarah Elaine?”

“My boss is Chris Evans,” Ellie said after waiting an extra moment. “And not the British one.”

“Who?” Sydney asked as Izzy and Riley just stared at their computer screens in shock.

“He plays Captain America in the Marvel movies,” Ellie explained to her older sister.

“And he is fucking hot!” Izzy exclaimed. “I don’t even like superhero stuff, but I dragged Eric to the theater to see that first Captain America movie.”

“Is he really that buff in real life?” Riley asked.

Ellie felt her face flush and heard Izzy gasp.

“OH MY GOD! YOU’VE SEEN HIM NAKED!” her sister shouted through the TV.

Ellie felt her face turn an even brighter shade of red, meaning there was no way she could deny that she had in fact seen Chris completely naked.

“It was an accident,” she said when Izzy finally quieted down. “His mom hired me and he got home earlier than she’d expected and she hadn’t warned him that I was there. So there I was, cleaning the kitchen floor and I turn around and there he is, standing completely naked in the doorway to the kitchen.”

“You saw him naked?!” Sydney said in a delayed response. “Sorry, I had to look him up. I think Garrett has some of those movies, I might need to watch them.”

“Yes, she saw him naked,” Riley replied. “But we haven’t asked her the important question yet.”

As Ellie watched, matching smirks appeared on her sisters’ faces and she knew exactly what they wanted to know: just what was he hiding under his clothes.

She’d known who Chris was before even met Lisa, but she hadn’t known that Lisa was Chris’ mom until she’d taken the job. So she had known what she was getting herself into, she’d seen his movie “What’s Your Number?” and there hadn’t been much to imagine after the scene with the towel and the apple, but seeing it on a TV screen with her sister Izzy was nothing like having the real, naked man right in front of her.

It didn’t take much effort for Ellie to recall the scene from the morning she and Chris had met. His hair had been longer than normal and his beard had been shaggier than she’d seen in promotional photographs, but given that he’d just spent two weeks in hibernation, it had made sense. There had been hair on his chest as well, the perfect amount in her opinion.

“WELL?!” Izzy demanded interrupting her thoughts.

Ellie kept them waiting a moment longer as she remembered that particular part of Chris’s anatomy that had been the first point of contact that her eyes had settled upon that morning: the beautiful, err manly, organ in between his thick thighs. She wasn’t an expert, though hardly a novice, when it came to penises, but Chris’s had certainly looked better than those of her ex boyfriends. Better taken care of, that was for sure, especially when it had come to the small tuft of hair at the base.

Then there had been the penis itself. It had been a good length; not too short where you’d be crossing your fingers praying he was a grower not a shower, but not too long where you’d be afraid of it getting longer and damaging your lady parts. She’d only seen him straight on, so she hadn’t been able to tell exactly how thick he was, but he hadn’t been pencil thin, that was for sure. And from where she’d been sitting on the floor, his balls had looked healthy, too.

“SARAH ELAINE!” Riley shouted at the screen.

Ellie smiled and then calmly said, “He’s my boss, so I’ll just keep it simple. There is not a single thing about him to complain about.”

Her sisters laughed and Izzy let out of whistle.

“Fuck, the girls’ on my floor are planning to watch ‘What’s Your Number?’ tomorrow night,” Riley said with a groan. “Now I’m going to have to sit there knowing that my sister knows exactly what he has going on behind that towel!”

“You guys can’t say anything to anyone about this,” Ellie said, seriously. “You three, me, his mom and him are the only ones that know.”

“Wait, how does his mom know?” Sydney asked.

“You know how I mentioned he got home earlier than planned?” Ellie said. “Well he was doing the Full Monty in the kitchen when his mom got to his place. She found us in the kitchen, me still on my knees on one side of the room and Chris trying to cover himself with a roll of paper towels. She sent him upstairs to get dressed and I thought she was going to fire me, but she just laughed!”

She couldn’t help join her sisters as they laughed over the awkward situation.

“So other than being a complete God physically, what’s he like?” Izzy asked her.

“I haven’t gotten to spend much time with him,” Ellie shrugged. “He was here for a week and then he was off to film a new movie.”

“So there were no sparks?” Sydney asked.

“Sparks? You mean romantically?” Ellie replied, staring at her older sister in surprise. “I just met the guy and he is my boss.”

“You took five minutes to answer the question about whether his penis lived up to the rest of his God-like stature,” Riley pointed out with a smug grin.

“It’s called suspense,” Ellie replied. “I had information you wanted and I’ve always loved holding that over your head.” She rolled her eyes. “Besides, Chris is a celebrity. He isn’t going to date, let alone sleep with, his housekeeper, especially not one hand picked by his mom.”

“Ellie, you’re worth more than any celebrity out there,” Sydney said with a smile. “If Chris can’t see that then you don’t need him.”

“And if he can see that then you need to get with him,” Izzy added with a smirk. “And then tell us all about the motion in his ocean!”

“Every single detail,” Riley agreed.

“Oh, is that a thing now?” Sydney asked, pulling the attention of her two youngest sisters. “If so, then we have a lot of catching up to do about Garrett. Let me tell you, my husband can -“

“Oh look at the time!” Izzy exclaimed while Riley covered her ears and loudly sang, “La la la la.”

Sydney winked at Ellie and then said, “Well I have little monsters to put to bed. And the night is still young for you three, go have some fun.”

“Night Syd,” the other three chorused.

Sydney waved and then disappeared from the video chat.

“I should probably finish writing the essay that I have due tomorrow,” Riley said with a frown. “Either of you know anything about music theory?” Ellie and Izzy shook their heads. “I figured as much. Night guys.”

“So, when can I come for a visit?” Izzy asked with a smile once it was just her and Ellie.

“I don’t know if I can have visitors,” Ellie replied. “Especially overnight, freeloading sisters.”

“Well ask your hunky boss and let me know,” Izzy said before redirecting her attention to something off camera. “Alright, Eric just decided he’s hungry, so we’re going to go get food.”

“Later,” Ellie replied. She turned off the video chat and reset the TV to its proper settings. Then she went upstairs and made sure the big house was locked up for the night before retiring to the cozy, studio apartment-like guesthouse she called home.

Episode 4

Want to find me off tumblr? I’m @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you’d like to be added!

[emthesinger]

An Unlikely Lover

Chapter 3

My eyes open, but it’s a struggle to wake up. It’s so bright in this room. My head is pounding like crazy. I hate hangovers. Well, I mean who doesn’t? Once my eyes open, I realize there are some men in this room

OH MY GOD DID I GET KIDNAPPED OR RAPED?! Oh Lord please have mercy on my soul.

Most of the team is in this room, so I put this all together... I’m in Luka’s suite. I check under the covers to make sure I have all my clothes on. I only have my undergarments on my body. 

“Is she awake?” Dejan asks and kneels beside the bed to check on me.

“Y-Yeah. You guys woke me up.” I say, and sit up on the bed like a princess.

Dejan, Sime, Mateo, Ivan P, Ivan R, Vedran, Domo, Mario, and Ante all hop onto the bed and start talking to me all at once. I’m overwhelmed, I just don’t know how to react.

“Good morning.” Sime says, sitting next to me. 

I cover myself with the blanket so no one could see my goods. 

“Hi.” I reply.

The door opens, and all the guys get off the bed.

“We’ll see you all later.” Luka says, coming in with a. tray of food, and a box.

“Bye!” Sime and Dejan tell me at the same time, before leaving the room.

“Good morning babygirl.” He says and sets the tray of food on the bed.

“Morning, Luka. What happened last night?”

“You fell asleep in the limo. But once you got here, you just stripped and fell asleep.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I brought you breakfast and tea.” 

“Thank you very much.”

“And I bought you a gift.”

“Oh, Luka, you didn't have to.”

“Yes, I did. You’re special, J.”

The blondie hands me the box, but he opens it with excitement.

So. Cute. 

It’s two of his jerseys, home and away, plus two mini denim skirts and shoes. 

What did I even do to deserve a sugar daddy?

I’m speechless, this is all so pretty and I do not deserve it. I looked like a slob last night. The skirts even have the Croatian team logo on them. 

“Thank you so much!” I say, happily and hug him. 

As I’m hugging him, I realize I'm still in my bra and underwear. Shit. 

“No problem. I also got you this.” 

It’s a blue box, like the ones for jewelry. A diamond necklace that says ‘Love, Luka’ on it.

“I can’t accept this. It’s all too much.”

“It’s alright. I want you to have it. Let me put it on for you.”

I turn around, so he can put the necklace on. It fits perfectly. 

“Thank you. And may I borrow a t-shirt?” I ask, covering my goods.

He hands me a big white t-shirt to wear. I put it on, and start eating.

“We’re going sightseeing around Moscow today. Could even go to the beach. Sounds good?’

I nod, and continue eating. A couple minutes later, there is nothing on the tray; leaving me completely full. 

“I’m full.”

“I can tell. How are you feeling?” 

“My head hurts like crazy but that’s pretty much it.”

“Hmm.” Is all he says and leans in. 

The Croat starts rubbing my temples with one hand, and the other is rubbing my thighs. This sends shivers down my spine. I'm utterly confused as to what is happening at this instant. 

It’s a struggle to find words to ask him. But I just say what’s in my mind.

“L-Luka, what are you doing?” I stutter. And I never stutter. 

“Shh.” 

All I could literally do is listen to what he says, which is to be quiet and let whatever that could happen; happen. We both lean in a second time, and realize that we’re about to kiss. His hand that was touching my thighs moves to my back and he’s touching my spine now. My nose touches his nose, and our lips are about to meet, until, both of our rings at the same time.

Just my luck. It’s my mom calling. She never calls. And it’s not that we don’t talk because we have problems; only because we’re both really busy. Especially right now. I was about to kiss Luka Modrić. The Luka Modric.

Luka and I answer our phones at the same time. I get out of bed and walk straight to the balcony. 

“Hi Mom.” I say.

“J, I have news that you are not going to like.” My mom, Ava, is not one to cry. However, she is crying over the phone. 

This must be serious. 

I start to worry.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

“Your piano teacher, Mr. Winslow passed today. In a car accident. I am so sorry. I know how important he was to you.”

Mr. Winslow, my piano teacher, was someone I considered as a father. When my parents divorced, not only did he teach me piano, he was there for me, my mom, and my twin brother. So yeah, in a way he was my stepfather. 

“Honey, are you there?” She asks, since I didn’t answer her after she told me the news.

“Y-yeah. I’m here.” My voice breaks. I can’t even speak anymore. I’m at a loss for words. 

Before Luka could see me, I just grab my stuff, and leave in a rush. Grief is all I feel, along with tremendous loss. This man was so important to me. He took me out to dinner after my first piano recital. He took me to school almost everyday. He taught me how to drive, how to sing, and so many great things in life that I know how to do; is because of this man. He went to every single school event, and went to my high school graduation. He went to my college graduation. Of course I was going to not be okay. 

I’m walking down the hotel floor hallway, crying and trying not to sob. I’m holding this all in, cause I don’t want to make a scene. 

“The funeral is in two days. Do you think you can make it, or do they need you urgently with the team?” Even her British--with a slight of Scottish--accent remind me of him.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can Mom. I’m going to start looking for flights to Carlisle.”  

“I’m so sorry Jimenna. I am just as hurt as you. I really am. I can’t wait to see you. I love you.”

“I love you too. See you soon.”

She hangs up the phone before I do, leaving me to cry. A door in the hallway opens and a tall man walks towards me. Since I’m crying so much, I have blurry, spotted vision. My hands are shaking, my lips quivering, my eyes probably swollen by now. I take my eyes off the figure and stare blankly at the floor. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sime asks.

I can’t reply, I just can’t. My eyes stay glued to the floor. Tears stream down my face, and onto the carpet. 

“Hey, hey, shh. Come with me muñeca.” (doll in Spanish. Sime knows Spanish because he played for Atletico Madrid.)

The tall brunette picks me up, bridal style and takes me to his room. He gently sets me on his king sized bed. 

“My stepdad died in a car accident today,: 

I call him my stepfather, even though he never was. But in my heart he was.

“Oh. I’m so sorry for your loss, Come here.” Sime says, extending his arms for a  hug. 

I wrap my arms around his muscular torso and he wraps one of his arms around my (sorta) tiny waist. His other arm rubs my back to calm me down. It just feels so right being around him. I’m caught between Luka and Sime. They’re too hot, and charming. I don’t know what to do. Literally. 

“Thank you Sime.”

“What can I do to help?”

“I don’t know. Just be here for me.”

“For sure, I really like you. And we just met.”

Like I said, I’m caught between two daddies. But I didn't know what to say. So I reply with the first thing that came into my mind.

“I like you too.”

“Will you give me a chance at being your boyfriend?”

Shit. 

“Yeah. of course.”

~

I’m still in Sime’s room, on his laptop, looking for a flight back to Carlisle, Cumbria, England. 

“Please don’t go.” Sime whines.

“I have to. I’m sorry, he’s family.” 

As I’m typing, he can see the stress, frustration and tension in my body. He grabs my hand, in the middle of looking for a flight back home and kisses it. 

I giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl and feel heat in my face. I’m blushing like a dumbass.

“Sime, stop.” I tell him with a laugh, but since he heard my childish giggle; he doesn't take me too seriously.

“And if I don’t?”

“I won’t let you come with me back home.”

“Ok, ok! I’ll stop.”

“Thank you.”

I spend many more minutes looking and looking for flights. And then I finally find one to Newcastle Airport, which is 50 miles from my home city. I don’t care at this point, I just book the flight and call it a day.

“I got us a flight to my home. It’s in a couple hours.”

“Where is that?”

“I was born in Nicaragua, but moved to Carlisle, Cumbria in England as a little girl. But I always moved back and forth from there and Melrose. So near the Scottish Borders.”

“Hmm, no wonder I couldn’t pinpoint where you were from because of your accent.”

“Yeah, difficult, huh? Three different accents in one short girl from two different continents.”

“It’s beautiful, regardless.”

“Thank you.” I reply, with a smile. “Thank you for making me feel much better than before. Yeah, of course I’m still sad. But I have you.”

“Hmm,” he says, before kissing me. 

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot 2x17 recap

(Aka the one where Jane and Oliver get kidnapped)

Or in short: Oliver proves how not-great he is under pressure; Jane is badass and manages to ensure the survival of not only herself and her bumbling non-boyfriend, but also a couple of innocent kids, because that’s just how awesome she is; Weller utilises every anger-management tactic he’s ever learned and still ends up blowing his gasket bc he doesn’t deal well when his wifey is at risk; Reade reaches new levels of stupidity; Patterson and Tasha are both badass despite being in severe need of a hug; and lil orphaned puppy Roman finally gets to go home with his loving family. 

So basically, this was a kickass episode and I have a lot of thoughts about it.

Enjoy.

Okay literally my first thought is 'thank god the clothes stayed on'. The second thought is more of a smug belief-- and that’s that this is the only bed Jane and Oliver will ever share, bc lbr, this thing was 100% doomed before it even began. No relationship can work when one person within it already has a soulmate, especially when they see said soulmate just about every single day, and are still secretly in love with them. (And the soulmate still loves them too). Like seriously, boy, you never stood a chance. But anyhow, I like that Jane's tranq puncture-site is on the right side of her neck, bc I'd feel kinda sad if they stabbed the bird. I really hope we get to find out the bird's significance someday. I vaguely remember Oscar mentioning something about it at some point (something to do with freedom? Or was that in a  fic?) but I still just want a clear answer. But anyhow, I'm off track again. Both of them seem like they have a thumping headache rn, though Oliver's seems to be worse (or more likely, Jane's just tougher than he is) and it pleases me to think that he's suffering a little for this. After all, he did get poor innocent Jane pulled into his shit. Tbh I also appreciate him getting zapped by the door, Thanks, writers. You know what’s important to me.

Okay so Reade's interaction with Nicki's kid is possibly the best moment he's had in like six episodes?? "No, but that's a cool fact buddy" lol. Damn that is one cute kid. And woah Nicki is looking so clean-cut and professional rn?? And her apartment is so nice and she seems like a good mom and she tells Reade that the partying is a rare thing for her and that they can't see each other anymore and wow I feel like an ass for the assumptions/judgements I made about her character. I'm realising now that in some ways she might actually be too good for Reade... or at least, how he is in his current state. Although damn look at that height difference, that fact alone kinda makes me want to ship them a little bit haha 

As for people that I most definitely do NOT ship, Weller and Nas have met in the conference room at the crack o' dawn, and lol I love his sassy "What the hell am I doing here?" That’s a good question, bud. If you were a little quicker with getting your shit together in regards to Jane (I'll give you a hint: start by telling her how you feel, then KISS HER), you probably would have been snuggled up in bed with her rn and neither of you would be having these problems now. But sigh. We're not there yet. Emphasis on the ‘yet’, bc it’s definitely coming. And then they will be. But anyway lbr if Oliver got kidnapped alone, everyone would be pretty 'meh' about it, and that's not exactly a thrilling episode. But to answer Weller’s original question: Devil Lady has found some files that belonged to the Sandstorm fixer that didn't get destroyed, and wants to show them to him. You know, it's kinda weird. Nas has been actually more tolerable again recently-- it's like she goes through cycles or something. She's like a planet, steadily rotating, light side then dark side then back again. Tbh if I had to pick a planet for her, it'd be Pluto, because it's very small and cold and belongs as far away as possible. But anyhow, apparently she found out that Roman had gone to the Bahamas a few years back to go to a fancy bank and get millions from a trust fund. So if that money went to Sandstorm, maybe they can track it. And basically the only part of this news I care about is the fact that it means Weller and Roman will be interacting more in this ep yaaaaaaaaay

Sigh my little Patterson, hovering anfd fidgeting as she waits for Dr Sun. "I just wanted to talk to you"/"Yes, that's what appointments are for" hehe okay maybe I appreciated that one, Dr Sun, but this doesn't mean I like or trust you. Patterson has apparently decided she's done with therapy now that Borden is dead, and I may not like Dr Sun (and I'm pissed that she told Patterson her headaches were psychosomatic), but she makes a very good point about the bug being another violation into her life and body by Borden/Sandstorm and ugh my poor baby keeps telling everyone she's fine and that she feels nothing but it's all a facade and soon she's gonna crack and ugh I just miss my carefree lil pumpkin who giggled and kissed David in a library and ugh it's just all very upsetting

Lol so Oliver's all panicky and looking to Jane-- who, remember, he still has no idea is a super soldier-- to tell him what's going on and what to do and wow man there's really not much backbone in there at all, is there? Yet another reason why he and Jane would never work; his soft, lily-white hands and her strong, callused ones just don't fit. Hers and Weller's, though... But anyway yes of course I know that strength and ruggedness etc are not really requirements for a good partner, but I think they're a necessity in Jane's case specifically. She spends all her time being a pillar of strength-- she needs someone that she can be on even footing with, someone who will support her and have her back just as she has his. And hmmm, strange, this is actually sounding familiar... who does she have that kind of connection with......? But anyhow, back to the man of the (very, very fleeting) moment. He's doing a lot of face-scrunching as Jane apologises to him for causing this, for having enemies etc. And while she's trying to plan, to work out solutions, he's being ridiculously unhelpful-- until he accidentally reveals that he knows where they are, and ooooh boy, you're seconds away from turning from a figurative dead weight to a literal one. She shoves him into a wall (awww, she and Weller even have the same moves lol) and mmmm yep this is much more the kind of physical contact I prefer to see between them. She looks like she's considering roughing him up a little more (I may or may not have yelled "Kick his ass, Jane!"), when a voice comes over the speakers, referring to him as Oliver Steele (okay literally are we in a comic book right now? Because he's apparently gone from a name that implies coldness and inhumanity to the name 'Kind' and I'm sorry I'm a little dizzy from all my eye-rolling). But anyhow he's ordered to stand in front of the camera and recite the message they've left for him, one Jane grabs and reads while he's still pressed against the wall like he's afraid to move haha. Turns out his father is a big-time thief/embezzler and now he's gotta pay back what he stole in order to save Oliver and Jane's lives. Let's hope he hasn't spent it all haha. Turns out the place they're in used to be Oliver's family's holiday house when he was a kid, but unfortunately he doesn't know the address, which surprises me, bc he's usually always so useful and reliable *snorts*. Also lol they said he grew up in Sydney-- the casting people do know that Australian and New Zealander accents are different, right? He'd never pass for a native Sydney-sider. But aaaaaaanyway. Also wow what a shady jerk, he tries to evade the truth by saying maybe they've asked for the ransom just bc his dad was rich. (Not Rich, bc that'd be weird and also pretty much impossible). Also I never realised Oliver was an accountant?? That's just so... white-collar. And dull, at least when compared with being a super secret agent. Yet more reason why these two would literally never work. "How was your day honey?" "Oh I just stopped a terror attack that would have wiped out half of Manhattan. What about you?" "....I did calculations with a ton of digits in them". Yeah, nah. No-go. Luckily for Mr Panicky, Jane already has a plan underway, because nobody but Weller is allowed to giver her orders and expect them to actually be followed lol

Speaking of Jane's 'supervisor', he's down with Nas and Roman in the cell, showing him the picture of him at the bank-- which is enough to trigger a memory of him signing the paperwork at the bank, withdrawing money from a trust belonging to someone that died. And while he doesn't remember who it was, he knows that he probably killed them for it. And ugh he calls himself a monster, because so many of his memories involve killing, and ugh Weller tells him he's not that person anymore-- and when Roman questions how he could know that, he tells him that he watched Jane go through the exact same thing. There was a brief time where Weller believed Jane was a monster, but he knows the truth now, knows that she is good without a single shadow of doubt in his mind. Whatever she did-- whoever she was-- in her Sandstorm life means nothing, because she isn't that person anymore. She's Jane, his Jane, and he would trust her not only with his life, but the lives of everyone he loves. And he wants to be the same for her; wants her to know that he'd do anything for her. And so he starts by becoming an advocate for Roman, developing a connection with him and supporting him. In the last few days he's sparred with him, taken him out into the field, brought him beers in his cell and just hung out, and now is reassuring him that he sees the good in him. You can see him truly starting to care for Roman, maybe even feel a kinship with him bc of how easily Kurt could have been the one Shepherd took under her wing and brainwashed-- she had access to him at his most vulnerable time, and if her plan had involved recruiting him then, it probably would have worked. So there's all that going on, and plus, I think he also just kinda likes Roman? Genuinely? Which is lucky bc you boys got a lot of shared family holidays ahead of ya, just sayin'

Anyways back in the Cabin In The Woods, where Jane has found a penny to unscrew the camera cage, then smash it in with a lamp, knowing that the captors will have to come get them if they want Oliver to make that demand video. And Oliver is all confused and a little frightened by her badassery (again, he clearly can't handle a strong woman) and she explains that she used to be a criminal, but isn't anymore, and ugh I am so proud of her and the fact that she openly takes responsibility for all the wrong she has done, but also states with such conviction that she's no longer that person. Ugh, Jane knowing and believing that she's a good person... look how far my baby's come. And the fact that Weller helped her to believe it.... ugh. My beautiful supportive soulmate babies. But anyway lol she gives Oliver the lamp (bc lbr he'd be completely useless without a weapon) and then takes on three armed captors by herself while he just stands inthe background. Looks like he's completely useless even WITH a weapon. And then hahahaa the boss guy "guess it was a mistake to take the girl". Yeah, you sure got that right buddy haha

Ooooohh Reade has been called into the principal's office, uh-ohs... and ugh poor Zapata is watching so anxiously from her desk and you just know Reade is going to be pissed about this, even though she gave him very clear and fair warning, and she did it for his own good. And ugh for a start all Weller says is that she told him Reade was going through some stuff, and for a second I thought that maybe she'd just said he was over-stressed and needed to be given some vacation time, but then Weller brings up the drugs and ugh he's trying so hard to protect Reade, to get him help without suspending him or putting anything on his record, and he even comes around and sits on the edge of the desk so there's not that 'separation' between them-- not boss and employee, but friends, brothers-- and ugh he's being so gentle and trying to offer help, and suddenly Reade is throwing it back in his face, exploding up from his chair, and Weller is on his feet so fast bc he's got to be prepared in case this gets physical, and ughhhhh he keeps trying to bridge the gap, reaching out as a friend-- but Reade cuts him off and tells him that they're not friends, or family, just coworkers, and ughhhhhhhhh you can see that that really hurts Weller? He cares about Reade, and to him, they WERE like family. And of course he feels like he's failed as their leader-- he should have seen this storm brewing and helped defuse it before it was anything more than a couple of grey clouds, but he's been so tied up with his own issues (which, to be fair, have been numerous and rather big) that he hasn't been holding his team together like he should. And I'm completely certain that Reade has referred to himself as Weller's friend before, which means that that friendship has been lost, and poor Weller didn't even know it was happening. UGHHHH. And ugh he's still trying to help Reade even though he's starting to get angry at Reade for being so awful, and oh Weller "I'm doing everything in my power not to fire you" ughhh he's STILL trying to protect him and then ugh stupid Reade just quits and storms out and part of me wants to say "So long, asshole!!" because of how he's treated the others, but I know they'll be sad woithout him so I hope he comes back. Tho lbr, we do know that someone dies soon... I mean it's not impossible that they're distancing Reade and making him unlikeable so that it's easier for the viewers to swallow if he does die. But ugh I hope that's not the case. Ugh the team needs Jane's sweet comforting nature more than ever rn tbh

Lol it's fairly telling when someone asks if your father was a good parent and the best you can come up with is 'he was fine' haha. But then ughh noooo this boss guy lost his daughter bc Oliver's dad stole all her money and destroyed her business, and ugh okay I do feel really bad for him. But while I could roll with his kidnapping plan if it was all a bluff, I can't be on his side if he's going to kill innocents as retribution for the actions of others. That's not how justice works, that's not how any of this works! But ugh my clever Jane uses the ploy of comforting a trembling Oliver (lbr this guy was totally a rabbit or something in another life, whereas Jane was clearly a big cat of some kind. A mountain lion, maybe. Weller was a bear, in case anyone was wondering). But ugh anyway she's so smart, ensuring that her very, very distinctive arm is in the shot so that the team would know she was there when they saw it (lbr Weller would have recognised it even without the tatts). Also uh oh, the kidnappers also have someone else captive?? Plot twiiiist

Lol when Patterson shows the video, I love that Zapata instantly recognises Oliver as the guy Jane's been dating (well, I guess she did just look up his background check a couple of days ago lol) and Weller's staring at the screen like he doesn't know how to feel-- on one hand he's not exactly a fan of Oliver, but on the other, he knows Jane cares about the guy and it would hurt her if something happened to him, and also Weller's a protector by nature so he would never want to see an innocent person hurt. But still. And then Jane's hand enters the frame and I feel like Weller's brain goes into a momentary shutdown, like the 'PROTECT JANE' alarm bells are instantly shrieking inside his head and ugh his voice sounds so mechanical when he says that she's there too, like he's got to keep himself locked down super tight or he'll snap and start smashing things. And then they find the video of the kids, and so now they have four people to rescue from two separate locations-- and saving one pair might endanger the other, meaning that to save their teammate and friend (and for one of them, their soulmate) could lead to the death of two kids. But rescuing the kids first could mean losing Jane forever. Prisoner's dilemma, indeed. The mother of the kids has apparently gone off-grid, so Tasha takes responsibility for tracking her down. Nas will decrypt the videos with Patterson, who asks if Reade's in yet-- and Weller just says he's not coming in today. Even though he has already been in, and out. I wonder if Tasha knows that he actually quit? Maybe she just thinks Weller suspended him. Did Weller have time to tell her? 

But anyway ugh Weller's first thought (or second, after MUST SAVE JANE) was to go to Roman, to let him know so he wouldn't be in the dark about the threat to his sister. And Roman is like ‘are you telling me bc you want me to do something?’ And Weller just tells him that he had the right to know and ughhhhhhhh no one in the world loves Jane as much as these two men do and tbh I think Weller really needed this moment with Roman? Like even if they didn't mention how much Jane means to them both, it would mean a lot just knowing he was in the room with someone who was suffering like he was, who couldn't bear to lose her either. Roman is so shaken as he thanks Weller and honestly Weller looks like he's nearly in tears. I wonder if he's looking at Roman and wondering if he's going to become the only link Weller has left to the woman he loved and lost? And then ugh he doesn't need to comfort Roman rn, but still he comes and sits down with open body language, putting them on the same level and being open with him, and tells him that everything he did in the past was under Shepherd's orders, and that maybe she was the only one who was the monster. Which Roman can't quite believe just yet but I hope maybe one day he will. And then ugh "Jane's the only family I have left. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her" and UGHHHH you can just see the understanding in Weller's eyes. He doesn't know either, because he's already barely survived losing Jane once-- and that time, at least he had his anger to fuel him, to keep him from facing how he really felt. But this time... this time, he wouldn't survive it. Which is why he tells Roman that they'll find her. He'll find her and get her out alive, or he’ll die trying. 

I'm a bit iffy on the whole "I've known those kids since they were in preschool" thing. Hasn't his dad been missing for years? One of those kids only looked like ten, so why would he not know them before his dad left but definitely know them after? But anyhow, he and Jane are now unable to escape without risking the kids' safety. But Jane's always been clever, and able to think outside the box. They were told not to escape, but no one said anything about calling for help... Also ugh the way she calls them "my team". That's right, honey, they ARE your team. Your family. They will come for you, just like you would come for them. And lol when she says FBI, he's like "Who are you??" And it's like, well, she's FBI. She just told you that. Ooooh things are getting kinda rocky between them now that they're realising how little they actually knew each other, and how little of themselves that they trusted the other with. This pairing was doomed from the start, but I think it has just now officially gone up in smoke. And so, appropriately, they're headed up the chimney (honestly I'm surprised that Oliver made it haha) and ugh they'd just reached a phone in the room above when they were busted. Also okay I'm familiar with fireplaces (I grew up in a renovated 120 year old cottage) but I'm not familiar with fireplaces in multiple-storey homes (again, bc of the cottage, and also bc the vast majority of Australian houses are single storey bc we have so much room to spread out). But anyhow surely you can't scale a chimney from one floor to another? I need a fireplace expert haha. And so anyway, the two of them are marched downstairs at gunpoint, with Oliver noticing a house being watched on a videofeed before he's shoved forwards. Oooh, is he going to actually make himself useful for once?

Weller's actually doing a pretty good job keeping cool, tbh. Tho maybe he just smashed a few things before walking into the lab. They've located the grandmother of the kids, who was called by the dad, and who they think is going to pay the ransom so that the mother doesn't get arrested for stealing all that money. Damn, why did they even need to steal it if the grandma was already that loaded? Also how much total was stolen from the firm? Bc if they said 200 total, then obviously each conspirator would only have a portion. And plus they stole the money years ago, I'm sure most of t is gone by now. But anyway, unimportant.

Boss guy's second in command (Aka the Freddie Mercury wannabe) plops Oliver and Jane down on the couch and then conveniently gathers his team around him to be screamed at, giving Oliver the opportunity to tell Jane about the house he saw and where it is. Then Freddie gets grumpy and pokes them with his big gun until they’re quiet lol. But too late, bud. Jane has already hatched her plan, and spoiler alert, it’s not gonna work out well for you...

Okay this lady's glasses are tripping me out. She looks like a human-insect hybrid that's bleeding from its tear ducts. Which I'm assuming is not the look she was going for. But with that aside, the main take away from this moment is that Oliver's father is in Switzerland... and also dead. Well, that is certainly somewhat of a setback. Also ugh I love how quiet Weller is being? Like I feel like he let Zapata take the lead here bc all his energy is focused on not exploding into a mini supernova of worry and fear and rage. So he sits there and keeps the lid on tight, silently simmering, drawing on every ounce of calm and focus that he has. When Patterson confirms Magnus' death and Zapata starts to crack a little (ugh the emotion in her voice as she says 'so we have nothing', someone hold me) he holds strong, reminding them that they've bought a little time by preventing the woman from paying her ransom, and that the baddies don’t know Magnus is dead. All is not lost yet.  

Meanwhile Boss guy is shaking his head at Jane and Oliver like a disappointed parent, though tbh I'm kinda more distracted by one of his henchmen who is off to Jane’s right and holding a big gun, bc damn, this guy is fiiiiiiiiiine. I really hope he's not going to die. Anyway Jane smoothly lies that they were looking for a phone, not to call for help, but to call Magnus, bc lbr the dude is a baby boomer or above and so probably doesn't hang on YT watching cat videos in his spare time. (Or videos of engines on vehicles and heavy duty agricultural equipment, like some of the male nurses at my work do. Weird, I know). But her ruse works, and he lets Oliver call his dad's old number-- and he does, looking all like 'uhhhhhhhhhh what do I do nowwww' as he does so. And then Jane yanks it off him and tells Magnus he needs to pay the ransom, while also dropping a whole bunch of Sandstorm keywords into the conversation, knowing that it would be flagged by Nas' technology. And almost like he was drawn to her voice, (okay or more likely he was the first one informed about the call, but whatever) Weller enters the lab with Roman in tow, earning a lot of confused looks and a generous amount of awkward silence before Nas tries to intervene. But Weller ain't having nobody's shit today, and just firmly says that Roman is staying up there with them. And so the whole team-- plus its newest member-- listen in on the message, and realise that the latter part of it sounds kind of odd; it's a message using the first letter of each word-- SAVE KIDS AT WHITESHORE. Roman wants them to wait til they know Jane's location so they can save both teams at once, but Weller trusts his wifey, and she said to go after the kids. So no matter how much it terrifies him to put her at risk, he’ll do what she asked. He and Tasha will go save the kiddos while Patterson and Nas try to find Jane, and Roman goes back to his cell to sit and wait and stew. Sigh, my poor boy, I would hug you if I could

Back in the cabin fever, Jane tells Oliver that he needs to be ready to run when she tells him to, once they know the kids are safe. And ugh I just love how much faith she has in the team. She knows they won’t fail to understand her message or to rescue the kids. Meanwhile Oliver is all 'we can't, it's too dangerous!' and she's just like 'bitch, please' lol. Come on bro, grow a set. You can do it. Meanwhile Weller and Tasha and a whole squad burst into the house where the kids are being kept, killing all the armed captors. Tasha comforts the kids and brings them out (tbh I'd happily be rescued by her anyday) while Weller's iron control finally snaps, and he kicks a guy to the floor and roars at him to tell him where the other hostages are. Clearly the guy upstairs at the cabin watching the monitor notices the commotion, though, because he radios down to the others-- which is all the signal Jane needs. She shouts at Oliver to run, then yanks an old wooden ski off the wall and beats the crap out of their captors with it. Oliver is rabbiting, just as he was ordered-- but he runs into another baddie, and then said baddie ends up running into some very spiky antlers mounted on the wall. If it was his house, I would say that that had a kind of ironic justice to it, with him being killed by an animal that he himself killed (I'm not a fan of hunting unless it's purely for meat, and displaying any sort of animal trophy is something I'm really against, but hey, that’s just a personal preference) but it's not his house, so that's irrelevant. Jane takes her opponent out with a fire poker (I love that the guy she fought went down after one hit but the woman kept fighting) and then she finds Oliver still staring at the impaled guy. They rush for the door, only to come face to face with the boss guy and Freddie and a couple of randoms. Seemingly not the hottie, though, which sucks. Boss guy is about to kill Oliver, but Jane saves him by convincing him that Magnus will never care about a lost child in the way that he does, and that his daughter wouldn’t have wanted him to become a murderer. And ugh it wooorks and the guy decides to let them go-- except then damn Freddie shoots him in the back, and takes over the operation, demanding money or he'll kill Jane. Oliver desperately offers him the money from his charity-- about $50M-- but they have to go to the headquarters to make the transfer because of some failsafe requiring two boardmembers. Jane gives him an approving nod, and quickly scratches the charity's logo into the leather couch with the sharp edge of her ziptie. Pretty damn neat for something drawn behind one's back, but hey, it's Jane, and she can do pretty much anything, so I'll allow it. 

Aah Pluto-Nas is being all light-side again which is super confusing. Why is she being so nice to Roman? Is it just bc the writers wanted him to say the "I belong in here" line and Weller couldn't be in this scene so they just went for Nas instead? I literally do not get why she actually looks sad for him though ugh. What is going onnnnnnn she just keeps spinningggggg and I don’t know what she waaaaaantsssss

Oooh Weller and Tasha have reached the cabin, though everyone has gone and the place has been thoroughly cleaned up. Eagle-eye Tasha spots the mark Jane left behind though (yeah, girl!), showing Weller and telling him it's the logo for Oliver's charity. And lol there's a tiny edge to his voice as he asks how she knows that, like she's been going on double dates with Jane and Oliver or something, and it's all like 'Tasha how could u'/'I thought you were on my side' lol and she explains that she ran a background check on him for Jane (lol she says "when they first started dating"-- it was literally like two days ago. Tho lbr they've only been dating for like a week so it still counts haha). 

So the team rushes back to Manhattan, which is like at least a 2 hour helicopter ride away. At Oliver’s offices, Jane's cuffed in the back of a van with two guards (ooh, fellas, I don't like your odds of surviving this) while Freddie takes Oliver upstairs at gunpoint to complete the transfer. And then in walks one of his co-boardmembers, who apparently didn't see the huge guy with the gun until she was literally inside the office, despite the walls and door being entirely made of glass. Poor lady, she's probably sleep deprived. I wonder how he chose which boardmember to call, though? Personally I would have chosen a man without kids, if that was an option. Maybe she's the coolest one under pressure? Or maybe she lives close or always works late or something. But anyhow the FBI arrives outside with lights flashing, which is not exactly a terrific move considering the bad guys could very easily have a lookout?? Good thing both of the other dudes are in the van with Jane and can't see outside...  Ah but poor Jill is having some difficulties with her password, and Oliver-- in a fit of bravery, about time son-- grabs for the gun and yanks it upwards just in time to prevent her being shot. The sound comes over the radios, which again is just enough distraction for Jane to start kicking the crap out of her guards, then get her cuffed hands in front and steal a knife off one of them, shoving it into his neck and then throwing it into the chest of the second. And holy SHIT that was AMAZING! I love this kinda thing. Also Jane must have rubbed off on Oliver a little bit (thankfully not in any other sense of those words tho) bc he holds his own against Freddie just long enough for Nas to get there and shoot him. So if she’s leading the team, I guess Weller and Tasha are still on their way back from Vermont, then?

Oh we're back at the NYO already? Ugh, okay. Anyway Jane and Patterson come to the conference room to tell Oliver the news about his father's death, and Patterson shows him the donations that his dad made to his charity before tactfully leaving the two of them alone. Jane's sweet, trying to comfort him by telling him that she believed his dad still cared for him and was trying to make up for the wrong he'd done. And then she offers to take him home (to his home, not hers, obviously), knowing that he would have been really shaken by the events of the day and she wants to make sure he has someone to talk to if he needs it. I honestly don't think she was planning for their relationship to go any further than today. He certainly isn’t, and gently breaks things off (they're already broken, bud, it's okay). But aw he tells her that she was incredible today. Yeah, she was. And far too good for you, bucko! The only reason you're the dump-er right now is because you beat her to it. But I'm kinda glad you did, so she doesn't have to feel like any more of the bad guy than she already does.

Wait what?? Both Weller and Nas going to Dr Sun to ask for Roman to be allowed out on house arrest?? Like I totally understand and am unsurprised by Weller wanting this (I feel like he's wanted to do so since working with Roman in the field), but Nas?? What motive does she have?? Does she just want Roman out where he'll trigger more memories and be more effective at bringing them closer to Sandstorm?? Or does she want him somewhere where he's less protected, more easily targeted? Or is she hoping he’ll remember the Zipping and turn on Jane?? What are you doing, you enigmatic ice queen??? Dr Sun's not a fan of the idea, bc she's still on the 'Roman's a damaged monster' train. Which means Weller's taking the request to the top of the food chain. Damn, he's really going in to bat for Roman (*cough* for Jane *cough) and ugh I love him for it. 

As usual, Jane is also busy worrying about others-- she goes straight to Zapata the moment Oliver walks away, and asks about Reade, wanting to know if he's okay. Tbh tho I'm bummed that we didn't get to see the moment when the team (okay, yes, particularly Jeller) reunited?? Were there hugs??? Long, lingering touches?? Meaningful and maintained eye contact?? Give me something, writers, c’mon. But anyway Zapata sighs that she honestly doesn’t know, looking sad-- then brightens a bit as she crooks that knowing eyebrow with a "what about you?" haha. Jane immediately says she'll be okay-- because she already is, tbh-- and then says that getting dumped for the first time wasn't a lot of fun. Well, considering that you killed one ex and the other threw you in jail, this is actually kind of the best that any of your breakups has gone? And then she says that there was too much baggage between them, and Zapata tells her that that's a cop out-- and for a second I'm like ‘giiiirl what're you doing?? Are you trying to encourage Jane to try again with Oliver???’ And then she adds that, baggage or no baggage, she and Oliver just weren’t right for each other (oh. Phew.). And so Jane asks how you know when it's right (Come on honey, let's be real here. You already know.) and Zapata tells her that when it's right, you make room for the baggage. And literally on cue, Weller steps out of the elevator and calls Jane's name. Or maybe that was destiny calling?? Lbr they're one and the same for Jane lol. And ughh Jane just stares at him for a moment and tbh I feel so robbed that we didn't get to see the smirk that would have crossed Zapata's face right then, bc lbr we all know it was there. I can totally picture her responding to Jane's 'goodnight' with a wink and a 'go make room!' (before adding 'and then go get one' under her breath hahahaha).

Ugghhhhh I cannot get over this scene. Weller's all serious as he and Jane head down to Roman's cell, and I'm sure she would have asked him what's going on and whether Roman is alright, and he would have told her he's fine but just left it at that because this big dumb softie wants Roman to be able to tell her the news himself. And so Jane is all confused and concerned when they walk in and both Nas and Dr Sun are there-- they've just been briefing Roman on the rules of the deal but she doesn't know that, and ugh I hope that Weller did assure her that everything was all okay before they got to the cell bc otherwise she'd probably be instantly afraid that it meant he was about to be taken back to the CIA or something. Although she does look back at Weller when they come through the door and he just gives a tiny nod so hopefully she knows he's got her back. But ughh then Roman tells her that they're putting him on house arrest and shows her the ankle monitor (which I feel like shouldn’t have a gap in its band but whatevs lol) and smiiiiiles like the adorable puppy he is and Weller tells her that Roman's going to stay at the safehouse with her (the level of TRUST that is being shown here oh my goddddd) and she literally doesn't seem to know what to do with herself rn like she looks at Weller and then back at Roman and her LIP IS TREMBLING and neither of them really listens to Dr Sun as she names her conditions, they're just staring at each other in stunned joy, and Jane's shock turns into a tearful (but glowing) smile as she finally asks "You're getting out????" and ugh I wish she could see the big dumb smile on Weller's face behind her, he's so proud of himself and so happy for them and ugh Roman is allowed to walk out past her and she looks at Weller for a moment before remembering the other two, shooting a grateful glance at them as well, but I stg if it had just been Weller there she would have literally thrown her arms around him without a second of hesitation and he would have squeezed back and she would have whispered thank you in his ear before turning and hurrying away with Roman because she wouldn't have wanted him to see the tears on her face-- but he'd already felt them in the little damp patch on his shoulder and he would have just stood there for a moment looking around the cell with a dumb little smile on his face and then he would have cleared his throat and put on his business face and given the guard a very professional nod as he thanked them and relieved them of their duty and ughhhhhhhhh. I am so sad that this ep had two excellent opportunities for hugs and yet we got none. But anyhow. At least we did get her whispered thanks and that intense eye contact with the "you have no idea what this means to me" and the "I have some idea" bc of course he does, he was the one who brought Jane to her safehouse that first night, the one who no longer had to watch her locked up like an animal, suffering and alone. She would still be those things-- he couldn’t fix that yet-- but at least she was now being treated like a person. And ugh it must have been so hard for him to leave her there that first night, to let her go when she'd hugged him, knowing that he wanted to stay and keep holding her until she stopped trembling against him. So yes, he did know a little something about it. 

And so ughhhhh she gets Roman home and nods to their detail and the agents immediately obey her and go (technically Weller is her direct supervisor, which means she probably outranks them. Technically.) and ugh the siblings are left to hang out on their own and joke about what they're going to order and clearly this little freedom experiment is working already bc he just had a memory of collecting that money from earlier-- it was her trust, under the name Alice Kruger, and the form states that she was killed in action. And it seems like he believes it, because he's crying over it. But okay I'm confused about this. Was she still going by Alice (at least officially) at that time? I had assumed that Shepherd changed their identities when they were taken from the orphanage? But I guess maybe they stayed Krugers in the official sense and that’s what all their IDs said, but within Sandstorm they were known exclusively by their new names? Tbh I can't really remember what the go was with Sandstrorm vs Orion; Remi was like Sandstorm's plant in Orion, right? Also damn, as a sidenote this means Jane should technically be a multimillionaire rn. Woah.    

Oh, Reade. Oh, you absolute walking disaster. I like the bartender for making sure he wasn't driving; lbr it'd be just the kinda stupid thing he would in his current state of mind. And then he sees the dealers and boooiiiiii don't you go over there. Don’t do it. This is going to be a bad idea...  aaand yep, it is. Too bad you're so distinctively handsome, bc you got recognised, and now you've had the crap kicked out of you. I feel bad for you, but tbh bud you kinda deserve it a lil bit. Now go show up at Zapata's door, apologise profusely, and ask to stay on her couch until you pull your life together. Hop to it.                 .                            

Oh Paterson honey :( I'm  so sorry that this has affected you so much and that you can't escape Borden's impact even now that he's (most likely) dead. For a second when she was staring at the Oregon Trail I thought that maybe he'd actually left a message inside for her somehow, like an apology or a lead on Sandstorm or something. But nope, she was just afraid of another bug. And then she starts tearing everything apart which is such an inefficient way to search tbh. She should have just gone to work and grabbed a scanner thing, but clearly she's not in the right frame of mind for the sensible option.... ugh can we all just hug her forever please                  

Ngl I'm a little displeased that Weller and Nas are walking somewhere together rn, discussing the call from Jane about the trust (ugh I bet she thanked Weller again and it was like this little intimate moment, but which Nas promptly interrupted of course). Anyway I'm just gonna pretend that he's being a kind person and is walking her to her subway stop or something so she doesn't have to be out alone. Also man Archie is TINY. Wow. But anyway then the guy approaches Weller and Weller immediately has his hand on his gun. Good boy, very sensible. But nope it's not a threat, it's a lawsuit haha. And then one is delivered to each of the team, because they're being investigated for aiding and abetting a terrorist organisation. Well, there was that thing with the HMX, and the fact that two of Sandstorm’s ringleaders are now kinda members of the team.... but ugh I'm so looking forward to the new ep and seeing how they all deal with this (I wonder if Reade will be brought back in, given his involvement??) and tbh I kinda have missed Weitz's snark haha  

[popcorninbed]

Mother’s Day Musings

This post may be a little unsettling to some of you.  If it gets shared and read as widely as I hope, it may even offend a few people.  That’s not my intent, per se, but it happens.  We sincerely hope that you don’t stop reading.  We promised honesty in our writing, and that’s what this is.  What it isn’t is your typical fluffy Mother’s Day story.

My parents got divorced when I was 12.  After that, my mom, and later with her life long companion (together nearly 40 years now) raised me as a single parent.  She did a good job.  We never starved.  We never lost the house or had the utilities shut off.  And it’s because she worked hard to make sure of it.  But not a great job.  I got away with things I shouldn’t have.  In part because she didn’t know - and never will.  But more likely because I kept my grades up, had perfect attendance and held down a part time job all through high school while eventually going to college on a debate scholarship.  While it’s easy to say that I am who I am today because of her, don’t blame her for my shortcomings.  I made my own choices.  Still I love my mom and appreciate all she did for me, and still does to this day.  I’m sure I don’t tell her that often enough.  But that really isn’t the point of this post.

Darlene is an amazing mom!  With one grown son and three girls still at home, she does more with less than anyone I’ve ever known.  Those smiles aren’t fake.  But she’s not perfect.  Please don’t misunderstand my point here.  No one is.  As someone who has already been through two teenage girls, I can tell you that she has some serious challenges yet to come.  I’ll be there with advice and support, you can count on that (as can she), but I have no reason to doubt that she will be just fine using her own style of parenting.  She also has an up and coming softball star (at least one), who, like Erika did when she was that age, finds herself stuck on a team far beneath her abilities.  And, while that’s fine for now, there will come a day in just a few short years when the decision whether or not to play showcase ball will have to be made.  If she wants to play, she will have the advantage of a “big sister” who is on her way to play college softball that can help her polish her skills to be ready for those teams.  And she’ll have a male adult figure who knows exactly how to get noticed by the right people to find a college scholarship.  Make no mistake, this isn’t a simple choice.  It’s a change in lifestyle.  But this post isn’t about Darlene or softball.

About seven or eight years ago, we had a dramatic change in our family (this is where things get a little edgy, folks).  I found myself thrown into the role of mom and dad.  It meant that as a dad I was there for first periods, and buying those first boxes of tampons (and every box since); for first sports bras and countless other undergarments; for dress shopping for confirmation, prom and every formal dance; for appointments with dermatologists and conversations with doctors about birth control and dysmenorrhea; for late night calls from TPD; for every boyfriend and girlfriend; for make-ups (oh yeah, and makeup) and break-ups (and thank God for Darlene for the last one, she really stepped up!!); for senior pictures; and for every ballgame, dance and piano recital and cheer performance.  And please don’t misunderstand.  I’m glad I was there and glad my girls trusted me and knew they could count on me for everything.  My point to this is that when things went to Hell back then, I made the tough decision, based in large part on my distrust of the Kansas legal system.  From what I’ve seen in the last 9 months. I made the right decision.  The courts live in a cookie cutter world, with virtually no place for variability based on what is truly right for parents and families.  So I stuck things out for seven or so years to protect my girls and to make sure that they had the best childhood possible.  Once they were old enough, I made my escape.  You can believe my version or not, but the current living arrangements for all of us speak for themselves.  But, I’m really only an ancillary part of this post.    

Here’s one of the two reason’s for this post.  Erika is an amazing young lady.  She has overcome so much to be who she is today: an honor student, a softball player already verbally committed to play on in college, a gifted piano player, am amazing baker and cook and simply one of the best daughters I could ever hope have.  She became all these things despite (or because of - you decide) having me as a mother and father for the last few years.  She and I have logged literally tens of thousands of miles together travelling the country for softball.  Admittedly she slept through a lot of those miles. ��And, without getting too deep into her personal life, I do want to add that I have seen a positive change in her now that she has a “mom” in her life for when dad just won’t do anymore.  For that my gratitude is boundless.  But for a long time, I got to be mom to this wonderful person, and I hope that I’ve played some part in the great future she has ahead.

Here is the other reason for this post.  Olivia is more like me than she will ever admit.  That may be why we struggle at times to communicate well.  She is also brilliant, talented musically and athletically, and a fierce friend.  She has also been blessed with an incredible artistic ability and a passion for her causes that would have much better suited to the 60s or 70s.  Where I failed Olivia, in my opinion, is when Erika and I went on the road for softball, several nights a week and virtually every weekend, that left her with very little support and guidance back home.  And, as much as I tried to parent remotely, some things got lost for her.  Yet despite my shortcomings, she molded herself into someone that I am incredibly proud of.  While my vision for her life would have her in some fancy art school right now, learning to design graphics for the video games she loves to play, protesting against misogyny and for women’s and animal rights in every spare minute, she has chosen a different path.   And even though she may not believe it, I still admire her for who she is; for her ability to speak freely and bluntly to anyone and everyone; and for her awareness of who she is and her ability to recognize that not everyone needs to fit in a specific mold or choose their life direction at 18 or 19.  I hope that over time she and I will grow as close as we once were, and that she will come to understand why I did what I did eight years ago, three years ago and last fall.  I also hope that, like her sister already has, she will come to accept the new people in my life as part of hers, too. 

That’s going to do it for this time.  I know it’s a lot to absorb.  Trust me, it was a lot to say.  I hope that my intentions aren’t confused.  I am not looking for a mother’s day card here.  I did what I did for my girls.  I’d make the same choice, despite the repercussions for me personally and financially, every single time.  We put our kids first.  I’m happy that I could serve as a mom for them when they needed one and that I can be a dad for them always.  Here’s hoping you enjoyed this and took something away from it so you’ll come back again next time.  Until then, feel free to share your comments or feedback.

[alexmarie29]

Engaged - Carlos Valdes

- Y/n = Your Name

- Y/L/N = Your Last Name

 Prompt- "Can you do another Carlos imagine? Where him and the reader go on one big family vacation to Key Largo, or someplace like it, and he proposes to her in front of both their families. I sent the wisdom teeth request in, and it was so CUTE! I love it" -anon

 Word count - 1,686

MASTERLIST

    You had been preparing for this trip for months. Your family and your boyfriend of three years, Carlos' family were all going to the Bahamas. The time you had spent planning this trip was insane. Between finding the hotel rooms, places to eat, places to go, things to do; it had been stressing you out for months. The week was finally here though.

You and Carlos had met on set. You were a guest star that was meant to be in a few episodes at most, but it turned into a full time role as the fans loved your character. It didn't take but a few months before Carlos had asked you out, now here you were, three years and still going strong.

The flight from home to the Bahamas wasn't the best, but it went better than you had expected. The check in at the hotel ran smoothly and the room was beautiful, the view was even better. You guys had a day before the rest of the family arrived, so you used it to your advantage to do some fun things that you knew you're parents wouldn't be up to doing.

Deciding what resort to pick was one of the hardest decisions of your life. You wanted something that would cater to everyone's needs. It needed fun things to do, yet a sophisticated vibe to it. You're first thought was Atlantis, but you shot that idea down quickly do to the fact it had been mainly advertised towards children. Carlos however, had convinced you that it was the “only option.”

That first day where it was just the both of you was incredible. It felt like you guys were on your honeymoon. You had woke up early enough to see the sun rise, then spent some time on the beach, where you made Carlos take a bunch of photos of you in one of your new bathing suits that you bought specifically for this trip.

After the beach trip you went back to the resort to go on the water slides. You were glad that Carlos had convinced you to choose this because the water slides were way more fun than you expected them to be. As you walked back to the hotel room you took time to go through the aquarium. The fish in the tanks had fascinated you for some reason. As you stood at the glass, just staring into the tank in front of you, the slight smell of the ocean wafting through the room. Suddenly, the smell of Carlos' cologne overwhelms you as he comes up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning his head on you.

"I love you, you know that?" He whispers, your hand moving to cover his as you intertwine your fingers, leaning back into your boyfriend.

"I love you too." You feel him move, kissing your head. You turn in his arms, your hands move to rest on his shoulders as you take in the sight of him. His hair slightly damp and wavy from the salt in the sea water. You move one of your hands to push a strand behind his ear, you hand staying on his cheek as you pull him into a kiss.

You feel him smile against your lips before he deepens the kiss, pulling you closer to him. As you break apart you smile at each other. A cough from beside you breaks you out of the trance you were in, making you turn to see a teenage girl, not older than 13.

"Sorry to disturb you guys, but I'm a huge fan. Can I get your autograph?" She sheepishly says as she watches the two of your separate, a smile lighting up your face as you nod. She holds out her notebook and pen.

"What's your name?" You ask, her smile brightening as you ask. She mumbles her name, a blush rising on her face as you acknowledge her. As you write a short note, Carlos interacts with her, taking a selfie and asking her about her vacation. The smile on her face as she talked to you guys was the one of the reasons you loved acting. You take a photo, one of each of you separately and then a group shot.

As you begin to say your farewells, she tackles the both of you in a hug. She tears up as she says goodbye before walking back over to her family, obviously trying to calm herself down. You turn to Carlos and smile as you grab his hand, the two of you walking towards the elevators and up to your hotel room.

-----

    Your family arrived the next day. The first day you rested, went to dinner and just caught up since you hadn’t seen the lot of them in a while. It was nice to see your guy's parents getting along, it made your hear swell with the idea of this one day being your life. You caught Carlos' eye from across the table, the two of you smiling at each other before engaging in the conversation again.

After that first day, it was all fun, rest, and relaxation. You, Carlos' mom, and your mom went to the spa one day, while Carlos and your fathers went hiking. The group of you spent a lot of time on the beach and at the pool, the cabanas that you rented coming in handy. You had convinced your dad to go on the water slide that shot you through the shark tank, which he had amazingly ended up liking.

Your mothers had bonded over gushing how cute you and Carlos were. You guys hadn't changed how you acted around each other just because your parents were around, and your moms loved it. They would chatter to each other whenever you guys would kiss, or hold hands, or just hold each other in general. They were eating the "young love", as they called it, up.

You didn't mind it, but at this particular moment, it was kind of getting out of hand. You all were at a nice dinner, and Carlos had asked to sit next to you. You obviously told him that he didn't have to ask, but he just winked and pulled out your chair for you. Now, Carlos may have seemed fine on the outside, but on the inside he was freaking out. Big time. You had noticed the slight jittering of him, but brushed it off.

As dinner wrapped up and you were about to order desert, you figured out why he was so nervous. He asked for your tables attention as he pulled you to stand up, reaching into his pocket and feeling for something, before quickly grabbing your hand again. You look at him with a confused expression, but the look he sent you told you to not worry.

"Okay, so I've been think about what to say for ages, and I even tried to write it down, but I scrapped that idea because I didn't want this moment to feel like I was just on set reciting some lines." The whole table chuckled lightly as he spoke the words, taking a deep breath. He took this moment to take everything in, trying his best to make himself remember this moment. Your dress, the fruity perfume you were wearing, the smell of your shampoo that he could smell due to the small breeze from the ocean you were standing some space in front of.

"Y/n, I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you. I might not have known it then, but when I think back to it, I was. You made my heart race the moment you walked onto set and you just blew me away once we actually got to work. You're so effortless when you act and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous." Everyone laughed a little harder this time, but all you could let out was a small chuckle. You were smiling from ear to ear and tearing up as he continued talking.

"It only took me a few months before you had me smitten with you. After that first date we went on I remember just thinking, 'God, I need to marry this girl one day.'. I seriously was trying to convince Grant to go ring shopping with me like three days after that but thank god he knocked some sense into me. He told me that I should drop hints to try and get some other information before I buy a ring, I mean what was I thinking?"

"So that's why you asked me those questions on our second date! I was so confused." You mumble, your mom and dad laughing.

"Excuse me, I was talking. Anyway, I guess since someone interrupted me I should wrap this up. What I'm trying to say is that I love you so much, and I want to spend every single day of the rest of my life with you. Will you make me even happier than I already am and marry me?" As Carlos finished his speech, he got down on one knee and got the ring out of his pocket, looking up at you with a smile. As tears stream down your face, you smile, nodding your head as he stands, bringing you into a hug.

As you pull apart, he slips the ring onto your finger before he reaches up and wipes your tears. You laugh, sniffling as he leans down and kisses you. You can't quit smiling as you pull away from him and instantly get scooped up into a hug from your mom. You chuckle as you hug her back, before quickly separating. You finally notice the cheers and clapping coming from the whole restaurant, you laugh and curtsy, resulting in everyone else clapping.

As everything dies down and you sit back down, the waiter comes over with a huge plate of dessert, saying congratulations before smiling and quickly walking away. You look over at Carlos and smile, grabbing his hand with your left hand. He smiles back before bringing your hands up to his lips, kissing the back of your hand as you begin to dig into the platter of wonderful desserts.

[shiroe-is-my-baby]

First Chapter of The Wolf Whisperer

Just a little thing that I started working on a while back and decided to come back to. Really excited to get back into writing my original works, and this is one that I‘m looking forward to. Hope you like it! (It’s only a rough draft so their may be some errors, I’m still working to perfect it!)

"What's the point, Mom?"

My mother looked at me through her eyelashes, like she always did when she's angry. It gives me all the information I need to know. She's done having this argument with me. But it was a valid question for the conversation. Her and my dad were sending me to a public school, six hours away from our research base. I've been homeschooled my entire life. The only thing I'd be experiencing is my senior year, maybe senior prom. What's the point of going if I'm already basically out of school? My dad tells me that it's because I need to learn how to communicate with other people. He says that it's for the best since I've only ever been with my mom and dad basically my entire life. But the idea of going to school just doesn't sound right to me. I belong here with the animals that my parents and I take care of. I belong deep in the woods where there's only us and nature.

But, unfortunately, I don't have a say in the matter. I have to go to a public school, where there's a town and a population of 650. I can't even imagine how small the school itself is.

My mom helps me throw the rest of my bags into my dad's car, and my dad hands me a bag of snacks for the road. My Aunt Rachel lives about 20 minutes from the school that I'll be attending, and that's where I'm going to be staying. I haven't seen my Aunt since I was seven years old. Ten years later, I'm going to be staying with her for a full eleven months. I hope her and I can get along. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with being away from my parents and being in a whole different place. I'll be exposed to a lot of new things, as my mother says.

The only thing that comes to mind is people. People who will be complete strangers to me, as I will be complete strangers to them. I'm not even sure how to begin to make friends. Another reason why I'm dreading this move. And yet another reason why my parents think I need this experience. "You ready to go, pumpkin?" My dad asked, opening the driver side door of his truck. I nodded, even though I was lying. Something kept telling me that I needed to go, but another part of me was forcing me back. This was my home. My family was my whole world. Living without them seemed wrong. I’d never been away from them, especially for this long. I wasn’t sure if I could actually pull it off.

But I could tell my parents really wanted this for me.

I wanted to make them proud.

Clutching my turquoise blanket to my chest, I climbed into the passenger side of my dad's truck. The vehicle, which is intended to make it through the forest with no problem at all, is too high off the ground for me to climb up it. My short, stout legs always struggle to hoist my body up into the seat. But I manage to get inside and cover myself up just as my mother makes her way outside. She looks terrified to see me off, but I can tell that she’s excited for me. She always gets this twinkle in her eye when she gets anxious. Whether it’s with a new experiment, an idea that she’s been thinking of, or just seeing the family succeed. She’s always smiling, with the creases of her eyes showing all of the happiness for her.

My mother leaned in close, planting a kiss on my temple, having to stand on her tip toes. That’s one of the things that she and I have in common. We’re both incredibly short.

She smelled of honey and ginger. The same smell that she always has, since the day that I was born. It’s how I recognize her, and how I’ll always remember her. I breathed it in like it was the last time I would smell it. Like it was my oxygen. The fumes caused me to tear up, but I quickly fought them back. I didn't want my mom to worry. She might think I was crying, and I didn't want her to start crying either. Then, I'd definitely start to cry. Then, my dad would start crying and we'd never stop. My family was the kind of family that showed our emotions easily. We were very open and honest with our feelings. If we had a problem, we would voice it, and fix it together. That's another one of the things that I'm going to miss.

"I love you, Saph. Be good for Rachel."

"Yes ma'am."

When my mom smiled, her beauty radiated through the rest of her features. She beamed like sunlight, and it was almost impossible to look at her. But I did; I looked at her. I memorized the way her face looked, and the way she curled her hair. I took note of how she wore her white buttoned up blouse with dark jeans, with a few buttons undone to expose just a little cleavage. I remembered how her face shines, and her make-up adorned her face, making it look pristine and perfect. I will always remember my mother this way. Until I get to be with her again.

"Don't forget to call!" she screamed as I slammed the door, waving at us while my dad pulled out of the driveway. Some wouldn’t call it much of a driveway. It was mainly just a patch of road, with pebbles and grass for miles. But it was one of the qualities that made our home different. The small research base that I called home for seventeen years, seemed farther away with every foot we left behind. The trees around it seemed to swallow it up the further away we were. I waved back to my mom, watching her as she got smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror. Her auburn hair tousled in the wind, and she hugged her jacket tighter against her small frame. She held a hand over her mouth, and I saw the tears forming in her eyes. At least she waited to cry after I was safely feet away. She looked more beautiful even when she was crying.

It always amazed me how I look nothing like my mother. She was talented and smart and beautiful. Not only was she top of her class, but she graduated several years early. This allowed her to get a job before she was even out of college. But even though she could have a job at a corporate office or some fancy science lab. She chose to stay with my father, in this ragged and misshapen lab out in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t imagine making a choice that big, but looking at my dad, I can see why she would make that decision.

These thoughts brought me to the conclusion that I was different from my family. I was short, with wide hips and couldn't catch up with them in terms of knowledge. I knew enough about our research to help out, but I wasn't able to keep up with the statistics and the calculations. It all sounded like gibberish to me. But I could read a book in two days, and recite all of Shakespeare's works in the drop of a hat. Painting was one of my favorite things to do, and it was something that I did quite often when I was stressed or moody.

My mother always told me that I was special. She told me that even though I wasn't good with numbers, I was prefect in the arts and could understand written form.

"Everyone is good at something," She tells me, "But not everyone is good at everything."

Letting out a sigh, I leaned my head against the door, and watched the world pass by. The world that I once came to know. Entering a strange place is always scary. Especially, when you don't know anyone. Not even the person you're staying with. My dad sat in the driver’s seat, stealing glances at me. "I know you're nervous, Sapphire," He said, "But you'll make lots of friends. If you're like your mother, you'll even attract a few boys." I chuckled, looking over at my dorky dad. He pushed up his glasses, his eyes returning to the road. Everyone used to wonder how my dad got with my mom. If you just look at him, you'd assume he was single and lonely. But my dad beside my mom, he looked confident and happy. They were the perfect couple. She was the smart and beautiful one, and he was the also smart but extremely geeky one. His dark hair was short and clean cut, similar to the slight stubble on his face. When raising me, my mom always said he was a proud dad. He tried to get me into science experiments and equations, even though all I wanted to do was paint and read. He soon realized that I was unique. Unlike the two of them, I was interested in music and literature.

But they were proud, none-the-less.

"Aren't dads supposed to be afraid for their daughters to get boyfriends?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Oh, sweetie, I am very scared. But I won't stop you from being a teenager. I know you're going to have them. Just don't be stupid."

"Yes Dad.”

My dad wouldn't have much to worry about on that department. I've never been around boys, so I wouldn't even know where to begin with. My mother always told me that it's best to let love come to you. The more you try to find it, the less special it becomes. I'm going to miss my family’s helpful words of encouragement. Sometimes I think that we should write greeting cards because of how cheesy we are. I'm going to miss everything about growing up here. It wasn't the best childhood, but I enjoyed every moment of it.

The ride to Aunt Rachel's was five hours and 30 minutes. That meant being stuck in the car with my dad and his music. His taste was that of a normal dorky dad. He enjoyed the classics. As in Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, and others that are amazing composers. Growing up, that's all I listened to, until my mom grew into classic rock and indie music. My music taste was a little different. I like to tune the radio to something that I usually can only catch on weekends in the afternoon. I can hear a faint noise of the popular station, which I usually let play softly in the background while I paint. I like the new music, but it's hard to get that out here in the woods.

"Dad, can we listen to the radio for a bit?" I asked, politely.

"Sure, Hun."

He turns on the radio, and the farther out we get, the more clear the sound becomes. I enjoy being able to hear what was background noise my whole life. Dad seemed to enjoy making me happy, so he didn't bother to argue when I asked him to keep it. The music made the drive a lot easier. I was more focused on what was playing than how many miles we traveled. My heart was no longer torn in half because of this move, but I was happy and content. The music that played was light and happy. It gave me a sense of hope.

Although, I couldn't seem to get this nagging feeling off my chest. The kind of feeling that someone was watching me. That kind of thing that always gave me a strange feeling in my stomach. I didn’t like it. I hated the feeling that something was out of place. I looked out of the window but didn't see anything that could be causing such an emotion. The only things I could see were trees and deep woods that we kept passing by. It was like an endless loop.

I shrugged it off, my mind returning to the song.  Even though I tried to forget about it, I couldn't shake off this feeling. That someone or something was watching us. It stayed with me through the entire ride.

Even when we'd stop to get gas, I'd feel as if something was following us. But when I looked around, I saw nothing. Whatever this feeling was, it had to be because of the move. I hadn't had this kind of feeling ever in the past. It seemed strange, but almost like something was calling to me. Luring me to this town that I had no acknowledge of before this move.

All the more reason to consider this move the next chapter in my book of life. The next step in finding my true self.

Even if it seems seventeen years too late.

[cedarrrun]

Yoga teacher Benny James shares how he learned to stand in his truth.

Yoga teacher Benny James grew up wearing baggy clothing and deepening his voice in order to blend in with straight men and avoid altercations. Now, he's giving himself the space he needs to heal his trauma.

I am a gay man who has known my sexual orientation since I was 10 years old. Back then, I befriended the popular guys at school because I had crushes on them. I loved adorning my mom’s purple chiffon sundress. I was a ballet dancer. Watching the girls who practiced in the class before mine, I looked up to their power and femininity. But I didn’t dare tell anyone my secret, for fear of rejection by my family and community. Growing up in Colorado Springs, where megachurches ran conversion therapy camps (the practice was finally outlawed in May, making Colorado the 18th state to ban conversion therapy for minors), I’d overheard plenty of men say horrific things like, “I’ll kill a faggot if they ever try to touch me.”

Despite all that, at 16, I decided it was time to start the coming-out process. I remember seeing my two best friends, both female, cuddled up on the couch with their boyfriends and yearning for a fulfilling romantic relationship of my own. I came out to them first, and they were absolutely elated for me. Within two months, they fixed me up with a cute guy who became my first boyfriend. Next I decided to tell my coworkers. They, too, made me feel so accepted that I started building up the courage to tell my parents and my older brother. I believed my family would offer the same support.

It happened by accident: My parents caught me kissing my boyfriend in the driveway—we were teenagers, after all. That night, my dad drove my boyfriend home and told him he would never see me again; my mom cried and told me how much I’d disappointed her. I was grounded for a year, and they started chastising me for smiling, laughing, or talking in my naturally effeminate way.

See also LGBT History Month: One Yoga Teacher's Coming Out Story

Since I had flamboyant mannerisms, my sexual orientation didn’t seem to be much of a secret. Strangers made fun of me. Families moved tables at restaurants so as to not be near me. Sometimes, if I glanced at a man in passing, he’d puff up and say something like, “Keep looking at me, and I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

I started wearing baggy jeans and hoodies—anything that I could hide behind. I tried to deepen my voice and quit smiling. My resentment was quickening into anger. For years, my parents forced me to take part in sports and activities that they considered masculine, such as baseball, basketball, and karate, even though I was truly only interested in ballet. While everyone was required to watch my brother’s wrestling matches, only my mother (begrudgingly, I felt) attended my recitals—my father made it clear that he wasn’t interested. It was devastating to know my dad deemed me a lesser male, so much so that he largely removed himself from my life.

Furious that I had to take on an alternate personality just to avoid altercations with men who felt uncomfortable around me, I fell into a deep, manic depression. I was mixing sleeping pills, mood stabilizers, and over-the-counter cold medications I had found in my parents’ medicine cabinets. I was huffing any solvent-based chemical I found tossed in the garage. I obsessed over the idea of ending my own life. (Gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school students are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide and nearly three times as likely to make a plan to die by suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

See also Yoga Transformed Me After Suicidal Thoughts

When I turned 17, an opportunity came along that changed my life. An artistic director saw me perform at a dance convention and recruited me to dance in her professional ballet company. (Years later, she’d tell me that she fell in love with the way I’d poured my anguish and fury into my artistry.) I decided to finish high school online so I could explore dance full time. Because I was still grounded, I had to be at home when I wasn’t at the dance studio working. But it provided me with a cover to recuperate my social life: I’d tell my parents I was at work when I was out with my friends and my boyfriend.

The professional dance world—in which no one is ever good enough—was a refuge in some sense, but it also created even more mental dysfunction. I danced in front of a mirror all day observing my body, which only reinforced the idea that I needed to be something other than myself: skinnier, stronger, better at high jumps.

After several months of dancing, I started attending hot power flows at a local yoga studio as a way to cross-train and prevent injuries. One day, after I’d been practicing five times a week for about a year, my male yoga teacher guided us into Child’s Pose and asked, “When are you going to stop running away from yourself and begin the long journey home?” And just like that, I started sobbing. I’d run so far away from my identity that I didn’t even know how to start looking for myself again. I looked to my yoga teacher: With his eloquent philosophy and his confidence in who he was—long hair, flowing clothing, and gentle mannerisms—he started to show me that men could be vulnerable and accepted. He was a metaphor for possibilities beyond my struggle.

See also Try This Sequence to Confront Your Fears and Unleash Your Inner Warrior

After high school, I danced on cruise ships, traveling to Europe, New England, the Caribbean, and Alaska. I also went to India to visit ashrams and completed teacher trainings in yogic studies in traditional Hatha Yoga. On the ship, I’d gather people and lead yoga classes, which helped me sort through my life. If I noticed I was feeling depressed, I’d use yoga to help unpack it. This allowed me to ask myself: “What does unfettered Benny look like?”

Fifteen years later, I returned to Colorado Springs hoping to create a life teaching yoga while training to be a massage therapist. After finding success around the world, I thought I’d get a second chance at experiencing unconditional love and acceptance from my family. My yoga classes were gaining traction, and I’d met a man—an energy healer—who would become my fiancé. But my parents were unwilling to speak with me about our painful past. As a yoga teacher, I had followed in the footsteps of my first teacher, who guided others to their true selves, where they have always been whole. Through this work, I realized I had to come to terms with the fact that in my hometown I was still boxed into an identity that hadn’t evolved since I’d left. To step into my full brilliance, I had to flee once again—and cut ties with my parents. It was difficult but empowering, because I yearned for a joyful, authentic life.

See also Jacoby Ballard: Personal Transformation + Healing Yoga

Today, my partner and I are exploring what it means to be free in a new city—St. Petersburg, Florida. We’ve both taken a step back from our work healing others to allow ourselves the time and space to fully recover from past traumas. Enjoying a slow-paced lifestyle near the beach, we paint, sculpt, draw, write, cook, dance, and do whatever else bubbles up in our hearts. Together, we are able to lift each other up to our highest purpose.

More recently, there have been a lot of men in my life who are ready to do the work necessary to create a new paradigm for living consciously, free from damaging expectations and stereotypes. They listen to the conversations that call out their toxic behavior and hold themselves and others accountable. My days of enduring bullying or aggressive comments are behind me—or perhaps I don’t notice them anymore. I’ve developed a deep love and compassion for all men, because I understand how trying to live up to societal expectations leads them astray, to a place where they cannot freely express emotion or live their highest truths.

When I consider where I started from and where I stand now, I am changed. Today I have the freedom to be, to express, to be seen, to show up, and to stand strong in who I am. Yoga never gave me the answers—it encouraged me to explore and find them within myself.

See also Practice for Pride: 7 Poses to Celebrate LGBT Pride + Promote Peace

About the author

Benny James is a yoga teacher, massage therapist, and inspirational speaker in St. Petersburg, Florida and founder of the alternative wellness company Maha Mountain. His mission is to help others find inner strength to uncover a life that they love. Learn more at mahamountain.com.

[krisiunicornio]

Yoga teacher Benny James shares how he learned to stand in his truth.

Yoga teacher Benny James grew up wearing baggy clothing and deepening his voice in order to blend in with straight men and avoid altercations. Now, he's giving himself the space he needs to heal his trauma.

I am a gay man who has known my sexual orientation since I was 10 years old. Back then, I befriended the popular guys at school because I had crushes on them. I loved adorning my mom’s purple chiffon sundress. I was a ballet dancer. Watching the girls who practiced in the class before mine, I looked up to their power and femininity. But I didn’t dare tell anyone my secret, for fear of rejection by my family and community. Growing up in Colorado Springs, where megachurches ran conversion therapy camps (the practice was finally outlawed in May, making Colorado the 18th state to ban conversion therapy for minors), I’d overheard plenty of men say horrific things like, “I’ll kill a faggot if they ever try to touch me.”

Despite all that, at 16, I decided it was time to start the coming-out process. I remember seeing my two best friends, both female, cuddled up on the couch with their boyfriends and yearning for a fulfilling romantic relationship of my own. I came out to them first, and they were absolutely elated for me. Within two months, they fixed me up with a cute guy who became my first boyfriend. Next I decided to tell my coworkers. They, too, made me feel so accepted that I started building up the courage to tell my parents and my older brother. I believed my family would offer the same support.

It happened by accident: My parents caught me kissing my boyfriend in the driveway—we were teenagers, after all. That night, my dad drove my boyfriend home and told him he would never see me again; my mom cried and told me how much I’d disappointed her. I was grounded for a year, and they started chastising me for smiling, laughing, or talking in my naturally effeminate way.

See also LGBT History Month: One Yoga Teacher's Coming Out Story

Since I had flamboyant mannerisms, my sexual orientation didn’t seem to be much of a secret. Strangers made fun of me. Families moved tables at restaurants so as to not be near me. Sometimes, if I glanced at a man in passing, he’d puff up and say something like, “Keep looking at me, and I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

I started wearing baggy jeans and hoodies—anything that I could hide behind. I tried to deepen my voice and quit smiling. My resentment was quickening into anger. For years, my parents forced me to take part in sports and activities that they considered masculine, such as baseball, basketball, and karate, even though I was truly only interested in ballet. While everyone was required to watch my brother’s wrestling matches, only my mother (begrudgingly, I felt) attended my recitals—my father made it clear that he wasn’t interested. It was devastating to know my dad deemed me a lesser male, so much so that he largely removed himself from my life.

Furious that I had to take on an alternate personality just to avoid altercations with men who felt uncomfortable around me, I fell into a deep, manic depression. I was mixing sleeping pills, mood stabilizers, and over-the-counter cold medications I had found in my parents’ medicine cabinets. I was huffing any solvent-based chemical I found tossed in the garage. I obsessed over the idea of ending my own life. (Gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school students are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide and nearly three times as likely to make a plan to die by suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

See also Yoga Transformed Me After Suicidal Thoughts

When I turned 17, an opportunity came along that changed my life. An artistic director saw me perform at a dance convention and recruited me to dance in her professional ballet company. (Years later, she’d tell me that she fell in love with the way I’d poured my anguish and fury into my artistry.) I decided to finish high school online so I could explore dance full time. Because I was still grounded, I had to be at home when I wasn’t at the dance studio working. But it provided me with a cover to recuperate my social life: I’d tell my parents I was at work when I was out with my friends and my boyfriend.

The professional dance world—in which no one is ever good enough—was a refuge in some sense, but it also created even more mental dysfunction. I danced in front of a mirror all day observing my body, which only reinforced the idea that I needed to be something other than myself: skinnier, stronger, better at high jumps.

After several months of dancing, I started attending hot power flows at a local yoga studio as a way to cross-train and prevent injuries. One day, after I’d been practicing five times a week for about a year, my male yoga teacher guided us into Child’s Pose and asked, “When are you going to stop running away from yourself and begin the long journey home?” And just like that, I started sobbing. I’d run so far away from my identity that I didn’t even know how to start looking for myself again. I looked to my yoga teacher: With his eloquent philosophy and his confidence in who he was—long hair, flowing clothing, and gentle mannerisms—he started to show me that men could be vulnerable and accepted. He was a metaphor for possibilities beyond my struggle.

See also Try This Sequence to Confront Your Fears and Unleash Your Inner Warrior

After high school, I danced on cruise ships, traveling to Europe, New England, the Caribbean, and Alaska. I also went to India to visit ashrams and completed teacher trainings in yogic studies in traditional Hatha Yoga. On the ship, I’d gather people and lead yoga classes, which helped me sort through my life. If I noticed I was feeling depressed, I’d use yoga to help unpack it. This allowed me to ask myself: “What does unfettered Benny look like?”

Fifteen years later, I returned to Colorado Springs hoping to create a life teaching yoga while training to be a massage therapist. After finding success around the world, I thought I’d get a second chance at experiencing unconditional love and acceptance from my family. My yoga classes were gaining traction, and I’d met a man—an energy healer—who would become my fiancé. But my parents were unwilling to speak with me about our painful past. As a yoga teacher, I had followed in the footsteps of my first teacher, who guided others to their true selves, where they have always been whole. Through this work, I realized I had to come to terms with the fact that in my hometown I was still boxed into an identity that hadn’t evolved since I’d left. To step into my full brilliance, I had to flee once again—and cut ties with my parents. It was difficult but empowering, because I yearned for a joyful, authentic life.

See also Jacoby Ballard: Personal Transformation + Healing Yoga

Today, my partner and I are exploring what it means to be free in a new city—St. Petersburg, Florida. We’ve both taken a step back from our work healing others to allow ourselves the time and space to fully recover from past traumas. Enjoying a slow-paced lifestyle near the beach, we paint, sculpt, draw, write, cook, dance, and do whatever else bubbles up in our hearts. Together, we are able to lift each other up to our highest purpose.

More recently, there have been a lot of men in my life who are ready to do the work necessary to create a new paradigm for living consciously, free from damaging expectations and stereotypes. They listen to the conversations that call out their toxic behavior and hold themselves and others accountable. My days of enduring bullying or aggressive comments are behind me—or perhaps I don’t notice them anymore. I’ve developed a deep love and compassion for all men, because I understand how trying to live up to societal expectations leads them astray, to a place where they cannot freely express emotion or live their highest truths.

When I consider where I started from and where I stand now, I am changed. Today I have the freedom to be, to express, to be seen, to show up, and to stand strong in who I am. Yoga never gave me the answers—it encouraged me to explore and find them within myself.

See also Practice for Pride: 7 Poses to Celebrate LGBT Pride + Promote Peace

About the author

Benny James is a yoga teacher, massage therapist, and inspirational speaker in St. Petersburg, Florida and founder of the alternative wellness company Maha Mountain. His mission is to help others find inner strength to uncover a life that they love. Learn more at mahamountain.com.

[amyddaniels]

He Grew Up in a Homophobic Community. Here's How Yoga Helped Him Find Peace

Yoga teacher Benny James shares how he learned to stand in his truth.

Yoga teacher Benny James grew up wearing baggy clothing and deepening his voice in order to blend in with straight men and avoid altercations. Now, he's giving himself the space he needs to heal his trauma.

I am a gay man who has known my sexual orientation since I was 10 years old. Back then, I befriended the popular guys at school because I had crushes on them. I loved adorning my mom’s purple chiffon sundress. I was a ballet dancer. Watching the girls who practiced in the class before mine, I looked up to their power and femininity. But I didn’t dare tell anyone my secret, for fear of rejection by my family and community. Growing up in Colorado Springs, where megachurches ran conversion therapy camps (the practice was finally outlawed in May, making Colorado the 18th state to ban conversion therapy for minors), I’d overheard plenty of men say horrific things like, “I’ll kill a faggot if they ever try to touch me.”

Despite all that, at 16, I decided it was time to start the coming-out process. I remember seeing my two best friends, both female, cuddled up on the couch with their boyfriends and yearning for a fulfilling romantic relationship of my own. I came out to them first, and they were absolutely elated for me. Within two months, they fixed me up with a cute guy who became my first boyfriend. Next I decided to tell my coworkers. They, too, made me feel so accepted that I started building up the courage to tell my parents and my older brother. I believed my family would offer the same support.

It happened by accident: My parents caught me kissing my boyfriend in the driveway—we were teenagers, after all. That night, my dad drove my boyfriend home and told him he would never see me again; my mom cried and told me how much I’d disappointed her. I was grounded for a year, and they started chastising me for smiling, laughing, or talking in my naturally effeminate way.

See also LGBT History Month: One Yoga Teacher's Coming Out Story

Since I had flamboyant mannerisms, my sexual orientation didn’t seem to be much of a secret. Strangers made fun of me. Families moved tables at restaurants so as to not be near me. Sometimes, if I glanced at a man in passing, he’d puff up and say something like, “Keep looking at me, and I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

I started wearing baggy jeans and hoodies—anything that I could hide behind. I tried to deepen my voice and quit smiling. My resentment was quickening into anger. For years, my parents forced me to take part in sports and activities that they considered masculine, such as baseball, basketball, and karate, even though I was truly only interested in ballet. While everyone was required to watch my brother’s wrestling matches, only my mother (begrudgingly, I felt) attended my recitals—my father made it clear that he wasn’t interested. It was devastating to know my dad deemed me a lesser male, so much so that he largely removed himself from my life.

Furious that I had to take on an alternate personality just to avoid altercations with men who felt uncomfortable around me, I fell into a deep, manic depression. I was mixing sleeping pills, mood stabilizers, and over-the-counter cold medications I had found in my parents’ medicine cabinets. I was huffing any solvent-based chemical I found tossed in the garage. I obsessed over the idea of ending my own life. (Gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school students are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide and nearly three times as likely to make a plan to die by suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

See also Yoga Transformed Me After Suicidal Thoughts

When I turned 17, an opportunity came along that changed my life. An artistic director saw me perform at a dance convention and recruited me to dance in her professional ballet company. (Years later, she’d tell me that she fell in love with the way I’d poured my anguish and fury into my artistry.) I decided to finish high school online so I could explore dance full time. Because I was still grounded, I had to be at home when I wasn’t at the dance studio working. But it provided me with a cover to recuperate my social life: I’d tell my parents I was at work when I was out with my friends and my boyfriend.

The professional dance world—in which no one is ever good enough—was a refuge in some sense, but it also created even more mental dysfunction. I danced in front of a mirror all day observing my body, which only reinforced the idea that I needed to be something other than myself: skinnier, stronger, better at high jumps.

After several months of dancing, I started attending hot power flows at a local yoga studio as a way to cross-train and prevent injuries. One day, after I’d been practicing five times a week for about a year, my male yoga teacher guided us into Child’s Pose and asked, “When are you going to stop running away from yourself and begin the long journey home?” And just like that, I started sobbing. I’d run so far away from my identity that I didn’t even know how to start looking for myself again. I looked to my yoga teacher: With his eloquent philosophy and his confidence in who he was—long hair, flowing clothing, and gentle mannerisms—he started to show me that men could be vulnerable and accepted. He was a metaphor for possibilities beyond my struggle.

See also Try This Sequence to Confront Your Fears and Unleash Your Inner Warrior

After high school, I danced on cruise ships, traveling to Europe, New England, the Caribbean, and Alaska. I also went to India to visit ashrams and completed teacher trainings in yogic studies in traditional Hatha Yoga. On the ship, I’d gather people and lead yoga classes, which helped me sort through my life. If I noticed I was feeling depressed, I’d use yoga to help unpack it. This allowed me to ask myself: “What does unfettered Benny look like?”

Fifteen years later, I returned to Colorado Springs hoping to create a life teaching yoga while training to be a massage therapist. After finding success around the world, I thought I’d get a second chance at experiencing unconditional love and acceptance from my family. My yoga classes were gaining traction, and I’d met a man—an energy healer—who would become my fiancé. But my parents were unwilling to speak with me about our painful past. As a yoga teacher, I had followed in the footsteps of my first teacher, who guided others to their true selves, where they have always been whole. Through this work, I realized I had to come to terms with the fact that in my hometown I was still boxed into an identity that hadn’t evolved since I’d left. To step into my full brilliance, I had to flee once again—and cut ties with my parents. It was difficult but empowering, because I yearned for a joyful, authentic life.

See also Jacoby Ballard: Personal Transformation + Healing Yoga

Today, my partner and I are exploring what it means to be free in a new city—St. Petersburg, Florida. We’ve both taken a step back from our work healing others to allow ourselves the time and space to fully recover from past traumas. Enjoying a slow-paced lifestyle near the beach, we paint, sculpt, draw, write, cook, dance, and do whatever else bubbles up in our hearts. Together, we are able to lift each other up to our highest purpose.

More recently, there have been a lot of men in my life who are ready to do the work necessary to create a new paradigm for living consciously, free from damaging expectations and stereotypes. They listen to the conversations that call out their toxic behavior and hold themselves and others accountable. My days of enduring bullying or aggressive comments are behind me—or perhaps I don’t notice them anymore. I’ve developed a deep love and compassion for all men, because I understand how trying to live up to societal expectations leads them astray, to a place where they cannot freely express emotion or live their highest truths.

When I consider where I started from and where I stand now, I am changed. Today I have the freedom to be, to express, to be seen, to show up, and to stand strong in who I am. Yoga never gave me the answers—it encouraged me to explore and find them within myself.

See also Practice for Pride: 7 Poses to Celebrate LGBT Pride + Promote Peace

About the author

Benny James is a yoga teacher, massage therapist, and inspirational speaker in St. Petersburg, Florida and founder of the alternative wellness company Maha Mountain. His mission is to help others find inner strength to uncover a life that they love. Learn more at mahamountain.com.

[safika987]

This is so good.

Cassandra: “Sir, Superman is on line one.”