#Mention of suicidal thoughts

[furiousgoldfish]

I have avpd due to traumatic incidents and emotional neglect in my childhood. And now that I'm finally working on getting back up out of the pit I'm in, I've reached a wall. And that wall is: I am so horribly hungry for positive affirmation (there is a hole in my chest for it) but everytime I ask for support, I'm so dismissive of it and it doesn't reach me or succeed to comfort me. if you have any kind of advice for it, I would really appreciate it.

ive also been suicidal for almost a decade now and it really is hard to find hope. right now it's like living from moment to moment because I catastrophize so easily...

Hmm I guess I can relate to being dismissive of people who say positive things about me. I don't accept it because I don't believe that these people really know me, I don't share their value system, and who are they anyway to tell me how things are, I like to decide for myself. Unless I already trust someone and understand how they think, I will dismiss affirmations or praise, assuming they come from ignorance.

I don't know if these are the reasons you reject it, or if you have some other reasoning behind it, or it happens automatically. Could you be rejecting them because you don't believe any of them to be true, and you feel the urge to keep a more negative view of yourself, for safety (safety=not to be proven wrong later)? Because if that's the case, then it could help for you to evaluate your life based on hard facts, all that you've done, all that you've achieved, all people you've been kind to, all people you've helped, all the kind intentions you had and all of the things you survived. Write it all down, and then say what would you call a person who's managed to do all that. You'll see there's a lot of good you've done, and a lot of things you deserve to be proud of.

I can't say I share your desire for affirmation, so I'm unable to relate - hopefully someone else reading this feels the same, and can give you some advice.

I'm so sorry about your life being so difficult and painful that suicidal thought hold over you, that is not your fault, and it's true that hope is difficult to find. I used to catastrophize extremely badly, and it helped me to read 'Complex PTSD by Pete Walker', because it described in detail that other people have the exact same thoughts, and they're generated by abuse, and there's no reality or truthfulness in it. Once I knew for sure that my catastrophic thoughts were fake, I was able to dismiss them, I only obsessed over them when I thought there was some reality to it.

I hope you find something that reassures you of all of your catastrophic thoughts, you're certainly not the only one to experience them, and they're very disconnected from reality. Sometimes it can help to list all the things that would surely prevent the worst-case scenario to happen, as well as all of the evidence you know to be true, against those scenarios even starting.

[violetthistle1]

TW: Mention of previous suicidal thoughts, depression

Sirius looked at Remus in awe. "You kept the ring? Even after you thought I—"

“I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it. I tried. Several times I took it to the Thames and told myself to chuck it in and be rid of it. But I could no sooner chuck myself in, though I tried that a few times too. It reminded me of better times. Even after everything, I would still hold it sometimes and imagine. Imagine a world where you loved me, where there was no betrayal, and no one we loved died, and we were happy, and we got married, and well, even that was enough. It always broke my heart into a million pieces, because I knew none of it was ever real. That I hadn’t ever even been loved, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. It was all so distorted. I couldn’t ever make it make sense. But somehow even though it always broke my heart, it also—I don’t even know how to describe it. It wasn’t hope, it was like escaping into a fantasy book, even for a moment to live in some alternate universe, it gave me a break from the reality I was forced to live in, and I would escape to that as often as I found the strength to endure it.”

“Oh Remus, you were always a bit of a masochist, but that’s on a whole new level. You do know now that I love you so much, right? And we are going to be happy again, I swear it, we will be happy again. I know we are both so different, and so much has changed, but I will take us in any form we are allowed to be.”

“Merlin, this is not how I wanted you to find out about this ring.” 

Sirius nodded. “It’s okay, no secrets, remember?” He handed Remus back the ring. “So you can have this back for now. Just know that whenever you get up the nerve to ask me, the answer is going to be yes.” 

****

Dignity be Damned, chapter 28: The Shoebox, excerpt (4)

Chapters 1-28 are available on Ao3 now!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50555698/chapters/132111325

[lil-playful-pup]

new years resolution

die or have a good time trying

[catnerdenby]

Whirl

I was planning to do Skyfire or Optimus Prime first but Whirl has consumed my brain now.

So. Whirl, huh? Gotta say, it broke tradition by scanning a mammal, not an insect. And I know it would've made SO much sense for them to be a praying mantis, but like...bat Whirl.

So. They use it/its and they/them pronouns, though they used to use he/him instead of it/its before it was empuranta-ed(?).

They're pretty similar to its MTMTE counterpart personality wise, though they're a bit less intense. Mainly because it's a parent/guardian/responsible figure now.

This is their little scraplet, its reason to keep fighting, just to make a peaceful future for them. Inside it knows though, that it's already too late.

It could rarely be home, since it was one of the few flying Autobots and was often needed in the field, but that didn't mean that they and their sparkling were distant. The opposite really.

Their backstory is very similar to IDW Whirl's but it never became a part of enforcer forces, but isolated themselves from society. There they took up carving, since it couldn't craft clocks no more thanks to those cursed clunky claws.

In order to relieve their frustration, they began carving the people they hated out of metal, and then destroyed the statues. That resulted in the surroundings of their home being littered in destroyed metal statues, which could be mistaken for real corpses.

He was arrested for attacking and killing an officer that came to investigate the reported bodies, and spent a good while in prison. There he became a punching bag, who always punched back.

After that it's again similar to IDW. Recuited by the Autopods (who promised to relieve it of its prison sentence), they became well-known for their su*cidal recklessness, and soon enough was made a part of the Wreckers.

Out on a mission,it accidentally came across a sparkling, who had not yet developed any features, and without being sure why, took the bitlet in. The full name of Red Rust came from the injury Whirl obtained from rescuing them and left untreated for quite a while. Before that they were often called little scrap and scrapling. The nicknames remained after the official name, as Red Rust was very small compared to Whirl (my Bumblebee sized).

Whirl left the Wreckers, as it had found a reason to live again, but as one of the few flyers, he still had to go out on missions.

They kept Red Rust a secret from everyone, until the fateful mission where he went MIA. As it was usual that they were away for long periods of time, the sparkling was fine for quite a while. Then another unfortunate event occurred. A battle happened very near to the place where the two of them lived.

They were found under the rubble (luckily by Autopods) and made a trainee. Unfortunately, Red Rust was slightly scared of heights, due to not having the proper flight training.

Back to Whirl. It was on the Autopod ship that crashed on Earth and thus had no way of getting back to their charge, as it was in stasis with the rest of the Autopods.

Once the crew awakened, they were more aggressive than they used to be. It lashed out at the smallest of things and caused the other Autpods to avoid it, adding to its isolatedness.

That is until the arrival of additional firepower is announced. At first they are furious about the news, but as the date inches closer, it gets excited, which worries the others, as they suspect that they might attempt to sabotage the arrival of the ship.

They are put in the brig, to its anger and frustration, but breaks out and rushes to the landing pad, just in time to witness the landing. It is attempted to be detained again, until they start desperately yelling out:"Red Rust, Red Rust!" Its captors step away in shock, but a shuffle begins among the people and Whirl kneels. A tiny dark bot bursts out from the crowd and into its arms.

After that, Whirl becomes calmer and friendlier, though it's very protective of its sparkling, and will not hesitate to attack anyone who dares to hurt them.

They become closer with the rest of the crew and the new additions as well.

Whirl and Red Rust have synchronised clocks on their chestplates, which will always tick in sync, until one of them dies in which case, the other's clock will stop.

[somanyfanficssolittletime]

TW: mention of abuse, suicidal thoughts, SelfHarm. Nothing but vague mentions, please proceed with caution in mind.

I understand where everyone under this post is coming from, but I’m on the side of asking of it’s okay to VENT, and if it comes down to it I prefer mutual tramadumping, (but even that can get toxic) or venting. VENTING AND TRAMADUMPING ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS…

I’ve had friends tell me their family is abusive in the middle of school, tell me very vivid explanations on how they plan to kill them selves in the middle of school, I’ve had friends tell me that they selfed harmed, once again IN THE MIDDLE of school.

Now, I’m very glad that they told me, I’m very glad that they let me get them help, I’m very very very grateful that I was able to talk down that one friend. But I was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. I WAS A BABY! I was coming home every day and crying to my parents, I was already going through shit, I was dealing with so so so so much, but I wasn’t able to talk to my friends about it, because they where not in the headspace to talk to me about MY problems. And I felt like if I tried to talk to them about my issues I was being selfish. I understand that I may have just been an anxious little kid, but oh my days was it tough to go through.

I understand feeling more comfortable telling your friends your issues then a therapist, but your friends are NOT educated, trained, or have the resources to help you in the way you may need.

I’m really sorry this got heavy fast.

Here are some resources I like to point people towards, and have used myself, or heard really good things about at one point or another.

If you can think of any more helpful or more credible sources, PLEASE reblog with them attached.

“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

[moonlitarcticfoxnebula]

Don't listen to me, but...

Basically, is someone wishes on a shooting star (the first meteor of a meteor shower) and they wish to die, if a meteor bonks them hard on the head and they die, is that technically their dying wish fulfilled?

Like, their dying wish is death, and the shooting star is like, 'well, that's easy' and radio-signals to a fellow meteor to aim for the head?

What a conundrum, truly.

[beneathsilverstars]

:( au where siffrin tries to end a loop early but someone sees in time to stop/heal him. and they’re desperately trying to figure out why he did that and convince him life is worth living, and in that discussion someone suggests traveling together after the loops. and then ofc they’re keeping a very close eye on him after that, so, he doesn’t get another chance to reset. then they beat the king! so! conditions met! that’s the last loop! the one where they all saw siffrin try to kill themself! the one where the party surely only agreed to stay with them out of guilty obligation. but he’s selfish so of course he won’t do the right thing and refuse to go along with it. :( :( :(

[dumbassv32]

sketch based off that one audio :]

LOOOOK YAYYYY IT GOT DUBBED

GOT DUBBED AGAIN YAYAYAYAY

G. GUYS ANOTHER. DUB. HOLY SHIT

[halfmouse]

Hi. Coming on here to talk a bit about the topic.

You may or may not have noticed but I am very generous with tags here and on AO3. That’s because I have experience with interacting with a wide range of people, and that I, myself, would really appreciate it if some of the things I don’t want to see are tagged and some of the things I do want to see are also tagged.

“Tagging is a courtesy, not a requirement” is NOT an excuse. Why not be courteous, when it’s so easy?

And hey. Sometimes the potential risks for someone if something they block tags for isn’t tagged are much greater than you may think. The reason I tag fast GIFs as such is because I literally know a person in real life who had a seizure because she was watching a librarian shelve books and the fast motion triggered her epilepsy. I know someone who is thankfully doing much better these days and no longer has lepidopteraphobia, but when she had it the mere glimpse of a butterfly would send her spiraling into a panic attack and feeling suicidal afterwards.

And of course, some people really want to see fast motion and butterflies. A lot of people. So tags are a way to seek out things you want, too.

Same rules apply to other stuff, stuff that a lot of people want or need to see, stuff that a lot of people don’t, stuff that’s super niche, stuff that doesn’t have a lot of high stakes associated with it, stuff that does, etc. Heck, this very post is going to have some serious tagging!

And on the other end of things, it’s okay to block tags. It’s okay to block people. I have blocklists that are very long because I have enough to deal with without people and things that bother me and/or trigger my mental illnesses popping up all over the place.

Ok I want to say something controversial

But you are responsible for your own safe spaces. You can block tags, block words, block people.

“But i thought fandom was supposed to be a safe space” —yeah you have to curate it.

Unfortunately one persons’s safe space may be another persons’ trigger. That’s ok. Simply block them, block the tag, block the word etc. They can do the same for you.

Maybe I’m just out of touch, but I’ve been around since the days of “don’t like, don’t read” and that’s a good philosophy. If it squicks you, scroll past. If it causes you anxiety or upset, block! Plenty of people are responsive if you ask them to tag an upsetting trigger. And if they’re dicks about it, block em.

[the-meme-monarch]

hey. what if i got really normal about (my designs for) the fallen kids. i promise.

my prev drawings of them here :]

also scrapped doodles involving flowey bc I forgot flowey probably didn’t exist for a while until at least most of them were dead, what with alphys’ dt experiments. i just wanted kris and flowey to meet :( they grew up together in another universe

[ghostvibesonly]

wait odysseus is suicidal wait he was really gonna end his life the way he ended the infant’s wait the only people who’ve called him ody are those who hurt him badly/betrayed him wait “let me close my eyes” parallels penelope and telemachus begging him to “keep your eyes open” wait wait calypso was trying to talk him down and “stay in my open arms” unintentionally triggered the memories/hauntings of polites, eurylochus, his mom, etc wait wait athena held baby telemachus wait wait athena is dead?? wait wait wait

[dykedvonte]

Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.

Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.

They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.

I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.

[violetthistle1]

Excerpt 16 from Don't Let This Darkness Fool You, Siriusly Noah Fest

“So, why’d you leave your house?” 

“I thought you were–” Draco cut himself off from saying I thought you were dead. It seemed a little too dramatic. “I thought you were in trouble. You didn’t respond to my patronus, and you didn’t show up at my house at the usual time, and–and I’ll admit that my mind went a little wild thinking up the worst scenarios.” 

Harry’s face fell a little. “I didn’t think you would miss me that much. I–I've taken up a lot of your time lately, and I guess I thought you might be sick of me.”

 “Sick of you?” Draco looked at him incredulously. “Harry you–I don’t–Harry I like–Uggh!” Draco couldn’t even form a response to that nonsense. 

“You like…spending time with me?” Harry supplied.

“Harry, I like you!” Draco finally said. “Fuck, Harry, yesterday you seemed so down, and I thought when you didn’t respond that you might have–that you might have done something drastic.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/60312973

[sepiamestus]

If ur thinking about killing urself u can always make banana bread. Btw

[sen-ya]

OOF so this is one I very roughly blocked out after reading 1081 and always meant to finish, then when I went into the file to finish it it corrupted. So it'll stay like this, transcript's under the cut and I assume it's particularly needed for this one.

[pg1] panel 1: Law: This life is a cruel joke! Why can't something just fucking kill me already?!

panel 2: Luffy: Torao -- Law: Don't fucking touch me Straw Hat!!

panel 3: Law: What would you know about loss?!

panel 4: Zoro: Hey, watch it!

panel 5: Law: Torao --

panel 6: Law: I was there when your brother died!

[pg2] panel 7: Luffy: Torao, please. Law: That's your body count, Strawhat! Luffy: Just come back -- Law: People flock to you, your family returns from the dead! Luffy: Listen to me --

panel 8: Law: While my family sinks to the bottom of the ocean!

panel 9: Law: Why aren't I with them?! Luffy: Because you're meant to live, Torao!

panel 10: Law: But I don't want to!!! I never asked to survive!!!

[pg3] panel 11: Law: It's cruel, Lu-ya. Cruel, and cold, and empty!

panel 12: Law: Please don't make me keep living. I'm past this life. I'm tired. I'm tired. Luffy: Torao Law: I'm so tired.

panel 13: Law: I know you want me to be alive. But can't I be selfish, Lu-ya? Can't I just rest? Luffy: Not like this.

panel 14: Luffy: I'm even more selfish than you. I won't grant you that peace. Law: sob

[pg4] panel 15: Luffy: We're gonna get your crew back. Franky will build you a new ship. Law: I don't want to. hic. Luffy: I don't care. Law: Lu-ya, let me go. Luffy: No.

panel 16: Luffy: Just go to sleep for now. That's rest you can have.

panel 17: Law: You can't tell me what to do.

panel 18: Luffy: There you go. That's the spirit.

[naffeclipse]

Randomly remembered my time loop au :) and how you get killed by the DCA for the first time in the time loops, and to you, it's no big deal. It's fine. You literally came back so it's not a big deal. Right? Wrong.

You try to go to the pizzaplex to start the (same) day but you discover that you can't get through the front doors despite buying a ticket. The staff bot dryly informs you that you have been registered as a dangerous individual who is not permitted to enter the pizzaplex, which is new, to say the least. You think there's a mistake.

You try again the next day. You're still barred from entering but have nothing but a day free of consequences to do whatever you please, so you break in. Before you reach the daycare, security bots catch you.

You shout at the DCA. Sun can hear you. You know he can but his back stays to you as he watches children color with their little crayons and you briefly remember Moon's hands closing in on your throat with the strange violet glow of his eyes being the last thing you saw—but you're fine. Can't he see that you're fine? You're not dead! You can't stay dead! Why is he doing this to you? He didn't forget you. No, you refuse to consider it because if he didn't know you, he would be staring at the crazy person trying to break into the daycare, but he doesn't. He doesn't meet your eyes.

The next day (again), you find your breaking and entering point is now crawling in security bots. You know he knows. Why is he keeping you away? A spark of anger takes hold and you ignite. He is all you have. He can't make you stay away. You look straight at one of the security cameras. This is a challenge now. You tell him you have nothing but time, baby, and you'll see him again and make him see you rosy cheek and breathing.

You've died before. You've had accidents in the time loop before, you've had reckless, impulse decisions that ended with you mangled, and you've even had a few times where you've taken care of yourself because you wanted it to end but the same day starts over and over so it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Nothing mattered until you found him. And he remembered you.

Please, Sun. Don't do this. Don't be scared. You're so alone and afraid and if you don't have him, if you don't have Moon, you have nothing. You still feel his cold digits closing in around your throat but you're more terrified of going back to the days when you experienced it all alone. You'll come back tomorrow (the same day again). Please.

You wake up. It's the same day. It will always be, you fear. You get to the pizzaplex and somehow, you're allowed inside. You're anxious, rushing to the daycare, immune to the strange looks parents give you because it doesn't matter, they will not remember this moment or you. But someone will. You reach the castle doors and push them open and he's there. His head is low and his hands are held behind his back like they're weapons, like they're ropes for hanging, but you fling yourself at him. You wrap your arms around his skinny torso and press your cheek against his chassis and breathe again for the first time in days (the same day, over and over). You tell him in a wet, fierce voice to never do that again.

He tells you that it's not safe. His hands hover over your shoulder blades, his off-yellow digits curling in apprehension, afraid to even hold you. What if the time loop ends and they come back out of the dreadful glitch, and you're in their arms, not breathing? They can't allow that. They won't.

You tell him you would prefer that over enduring the time loops without them—but then he grabs you by the arms. He pries you off him, holding you with taut fingertips digging into your flesh. Is the glitch back? His eyes are pale and the dull gray iris within is sharp like an end. Your heart bobs in your chest. His voice dips into a growling, vicious thing when he tells you to never say that again. You cannot think that or they will ban you forever. They will never see you again. Do you understand?

You almost sob, but you nod, biting your bottom lip. Okay. Just don't stay away from you, okay?

He slowly loosens his hold. Your arms ache but it doesn't matter. He tilts his sun rays and nods. They promise. And he wraps you back in the hug you've been looking for after so many days (every day again and again).