#Meanwhile First is just chilling
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*downs coffee like a shot* Before we go back to our regularly scheduled Linktober/Linktober Shadow (because I don't leave things unfinished if I can help it), I gotta get the idea of Revenant First out of my system and y'all get to suffer with me until it eventually ceases being an idea and it turns into an actual story. For some reason we talk a lot about First already being alive or already a ghost by the time the Chain meets him, but I don't think I've ever heard someone talk about him actually coming back to life and so y'all get to suffer with my insane ramblings like I'm an 1800's psychic ward patient who believes themselves to be a witch.
Can be x Reader or not idk just an idea that won't leave my mind.
Might expand on this later so Part out of I/?
Revenant First, who died for his people and in the name of his Goddess. All alone on the surface, fighting, fighting, fighting, always fighting. Just to make the land a little safer before the next hero arrives, just to contain the Imprisoned for a little while longer with likely nothing than a ordinary, common sword to his name and a slowly rusting armor.
Always giving so so so much for his people, always doing his best to protect them, though they scorned him, loathed him, didn't believe or support him, rejected him.
With a spirit so strong and lovely that a Goddess fell for him, hated herself for having to manipulate and put him through such horrid experiences just to save the many, just to turn the diamond of his soul into an unbreakable lonsdaleite blade agaisnt a mad deity.
Someone whose will would be enough to keep him going, just one more fight right? Just one more kill right? Forward, forward, ever onward, it doesn't matter if the flesh decays, if the blood drips drips drips until he is dry of it, if the liver doesn't process nutrients, if the lungs don't draw air, if the nerves feel nothing but the cold cold numbness of the winter of his final years, if the heart doesn't beat. If the armor rusts or the sword breaks. He must keep going, he must keep fighting.
To keep them safe he must have faith, faith that he can keep going, to grasp onto that one.single.thread of purpose until the day that fiery, indomitable, determined will finally burns out. Even if his Goddess may have forsaken him knowingly or unknowingly, even if his people have rejected him to the point he isn't even human anymore, even though they reviled him, even if that rejection should by all intents and purposes chained his spirit to the land or ground the jewel of his unbreakable soul into dust, he still loves them, still adores them, still wants to protect them.
No matter how long he must keep going for it. He wishes to see those he holds dear happy, though they cursed and imprisoned him once.
The Chain getting dropped into a completely empty, desolated and undeniably dead version of Sky's Hyrule, only to find the only living thing besides monster is a single man, with rusted gold armor and an old sword, a faded tunic of green with a long, crimson scarf like a bloody banner. With hair and eyes like theirs, undeniably a Link. But so very frigid, so very silent they almost didn't notice him, that they can't help but wonder just how many years he has spent there, eroding away, ruined but still kind, kind, so very gentle. A shadow of his former self, yes, but still himself, still so so so good, doing all he can until Sky's Era comes and maybe, just maybe, he can finally rest.
Or maybe not, after all, someone has to keep the land safe until the Hero after Sky comes around, no?
Just Revenant First in general.
Or maybe we give him the House in Fata Morgana treatment, the House in Fata Hylia Au if you will- *collapses from sleep deprivation*
#linked universe headcanons#lu first#lu fic idea#Revenant First#lu first x reader#maybe? it's mostly just an idea lol#might expand on this later lol#Also knows as what happens when Summer is sleep deprived while doing essays takes a break by listening to The House in Fata Morgana OST#and suddenly gets First in the brain lol#still have way too much First Hero on the brain that man deserves the world but at the same time I want to put him into Situations lol#Feral Revenant First being protective of the Chain my beloved#Sky being so confused because Fi at the same time recognizes the man and has just started lowkey crying and screaming in chimes#Twi Wind Hyrule and Time not knowing wether to be morbidly intrigued or horrified because he registers as both dead and alive to them#Meanwhile First is just chilling#doing his own thing and probably bonding with Wild over 'Being Dead but Got Better'#Probably doesn't even register he shouldn't be moving anymore after taking a stab to the heart or something lol#if we want to make an X Reader kind of thing then it's literally his love for Reader which also allows him to keep going#alongside sheer force of will and determination#Michel and Giselle vibes ya know? lol#Wait would that make Hylia Morgana? Or could it be Demise or something? Eh#I dunno might expand on that later/write out that Au later on as a self indulgent thing#Anyway for now ya'll get this until I am finally not swamped with literature/language essays and fistfighting sleep deprivation#Summer Writes#Summer Writes Linked Universe Headcanons#Summer's Sleep Deprived Headcanons
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Something I like about Leo is that heās honestly really chill? Itās easy to remember the moments where heās being obnoxious or excitable but I feel like most of the time heās incredibly āgo with the flowā and has an overall ļæ¼affable demeanor.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#Genuinely speaking I feel like said demeanor is incredibly useful for when he has to charm and/or persuade people into listening to himļæ¼#I have a whole post talking about Leoās charm and how he consistently gets people to hear him out even if heās annoyed or upset them#like theyāll still listen to what he has to say in full#his charisma stat is real and utilized quite often in this series I swear heās not just a loser cringeboy all the time š#if he wants to persuade and/or charm then he honestly sooo often does#me listing the 400th reason why Leo grows up to be the worlds best ninja and a good 365 of those reasons are Leoās various subterfuge skill#Like most episodes where heās not the main focus (and even many where he is)#heās a voice of reason who notices things quickly and is often the one taking point to talk down situations#something interesting I found between Leo and Mikey is that#Mikey tells people what they need to hear#Leo tells people what they want to hear#not only out of his own agenda either#when bullhop was wrecking their home leo was the one that negotiated to make the situation go smoother#even if he would have rather bullhop left#meanwhile Mikey is the one who bluntly tells things as it is#small character moment that means a lot to me#Mikey is an honest boy who is upfront about his feelings#Leo prefers to let people make their own decisions he wants them to through steering the convo in that direction#but he is easily cowed by guilt#regardless leo is a people person - he knows how to talk to them and how to manipulate/persuade#and I like that his bros know this and often push him forward to do the talking if they wanna charm someone into doing what they want#I think Leoās hope speeches are also an example of this - heās saying what people really want to hear (and often itās ALSO what they NEED)#the further the series goes on the higher Leoās inner stress rises and he just keeps that chill aura anyway#thereās a reason!!! he wanted to go to a SPA so badly!!#literally the first thing he does when he gets in is rest#no joke meditation would do him good? like- itās a Leo thing and I genuinely think rise leo would be no different here
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this scott 3l rewatch it so so strange. i was right with my original notes, their relationship does not read nearly as scary from the scott pov and im really wondering why this is. My first theory was that it was an editing style thing or a background music thing or maybe the specific scenes that are missing but now that Iām really thinking about it I Dont Know
#bree barks so fucking loud#Ignore me. Insanity#but yeah beyond the first episode or so this rewatch has been a lot more chill in terms of My Emotions#scott is typically off doing his own thing. I only get sad when I think about dialogue thats not even included in his pov#see: āthat experience is too far away for me to getā specifically#or the implications of what heās saying sometimesā¦ what im trying to say is i get why the fh maintag is so pissed abt whatever im doing#you have to think about it a bit to Get It i think. Bc if you just turn your brain off while watching scott 3l its chill#meanwhile in the jimmy pov you get the episode 1 martyn intervention bullshit making you think about it from the start. Does this make sens#deranged.fh.posting
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Chill, Sub-Commander (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#DAX#ZEX#Teisel#The Captain#Haha yeah good luck with that one#This scenario is basically tailor-made for exactly Zero VUX to be chill about - ZEX included he just has no chill in the other direction lol#The set up of DAX near-missing ZEX because they didn't recognize each other yet has some fun comedy hijinks about it hehe#Literally in the same room! ZEX doesn't know he's there and DAX doesn't know who to look for! Or if ZEX is there yet either to be fair haha#I love ZEX's asides of ''Got Teisel .D Very helpful very useful'' and then - lol#It was kinda like that in his first run as well tho :') Too many disappearances! Weh#But he has DAX now āŖ And Zelnick!! :DD#Which DAX is just ecstatic about lol no hard feelings there at all hahaha#Don't be rude DAX#Zelnick is so sweet honestly hehe <3 Willing to put up with all sorts of VUX silliness hehe#Really gets - well not the full VUX spectrum DAX isn't /disgusted/ by him (at least not visually lol he Is very angry haha)#But still a good range of reactions! Pursuit and not-that to be sure hehehe#Everyone's dynamic is so fuuunnnn ahh <3 ZEX nad DAX sweet and trusting - ZEX and Zelnick heated and adorable#And DAX and Zelnick! What will they be what will they do :3c#Hehe I loved his little bit of anger that he swallowed to keep the peace so measured Captain āŖ#Meanwhile DAX is not at all trying to be subtle about how mad he is lol#He's all DX< about it hahaha#Certainly this situation and these circumstances won't affect him at all and he'll stay just as annoyed and aloof from the Captain as always#I'm sure that'll be the case :) Hehehehehe
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was literally just sitting here thinking to myself that fjord criticalrole would probably do pretty well on the franklin expedition before refreshing my dash and getting hit in the face by "what if bridgerton added an orc" like damn okay great question, what if amc's the terror added an orc. how many other media properties can we do this to. potentially all of them.
#doesn't have to be that one specific orc he's just the one i was already thinking about#like to be clear i don't think fjord would ultimately SURVIVE the franklin expedition and i think he'd have a terrible time#but he'd do okay!#he'd be a lot better suited to like. aubreyad or hornblower. some of the less dire boat media.#he'd either do extremely well in black sails or get stabbed in the back within the first few episodes#he'd be fine in our flag means death just very very annoyed#and he'd fucking kill it in pirates of the carribbean obviously#meanwhile i think he'd have an absolutely neutral experience in moby dick like neither good nor bad#like oh this evil ocean leviathan has a grudge against your captain specifically welcome to my world. and then he'd just be chilling.
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What's your interpretation that the left hand of cleric beast is much bigger that the right?š¤
Well, like I've pointed out before, the only explanation I am seeing is blood ministration being done on the left arm!
However, this might get a little more interesting with the Cleric Beasts, because Emilia is also one, yet her arms are symmetrical!
My closest guess to why it happened is because of something Healing Church has been known to do with female bodies. Namely - do some sort of surgery/manipulation/operation on them in order to change their blood type into 'holy blood' one, which they are able to share with the hunters!
English localization team had to use term "groomed" instead of whatever this actually says, and this is definitely going into top 10 of my biggest headaches with mistranslations! As you can see from the Japanese script retranslation ( x ), the meaning is more literal, implying a procedure. I always felt like it would be a surgery on bone marrow, since this is where blood cells are produced, and doctors in Bloodborne could have learned to alter them into having impossible type of blood!
So, as a female cleric, Amelia might have had her first communion with the holy blood as a Blood Saint, instead of generic blood ministration treatment like apparently everyone else has!
I am still not sure why female staff specifically was the Blood Saints, since apparently blood vials are not menstrual blood, as we can learn thanks to Adeline:
Maybe it could have something to do with menstrual cycle, though, because of the whole cycle of moon vs menstrual cycle thing, and Laurence being affiliated with Moon Presence, and then Micolash also stealing his swag and basing his own institution on:
I'd say this is either some sort of deeply rooted superstition within the setting, or in fact, yes, the holy blood links to the Great Ones who put HELLA importance on blood and birth, so being biologically female is crucial for that link to take intended effects.
Ludwig is an interesting case, though! He was SUPPOSED to have blood ministration too, like Laurence or Cleric Beast of the Bridge! Why would not the first Healing Church hunter and the HEAD of their hunters do something so crucial? Especially since Cleric Beast of the Bridge drops the Sword Badge with which you buy Hunter Chief Emblem, implying that this beast is currently what Ludwig used to be? But his left arm is not bigger. In fact, it is even smaller. So I am trying to think of the variants of what had happened here:
1) Ludwig somehow merged with an actual horse, so his anatomy is simply no longer judged through the same lense
2) Ludwig is a leftie, and this is where he holds his Holy Moonlight Sword, so its effect would be a "remedy" for possible arm deformations
3) Ludwig is not a simple beast, but the one with a lot of Kin features, so his anatomy is simply no longer judged through the same lense (+horses are primarily herbivores, and Kin is associated with the flora in the setting, so maybe that's why he went horsegirl mode instead of getting something weak like antlers lol)
4) Ludwig is trans and actually was the first to get Blood Saint treatment rather than regular blood ministration (+we take Adeline's blood from her right arm, and notice that his right arm is a little bigger)
5) Ludwig is a cis man and was the first biological male who attempted to receive Blood Saint treatment instead of regular blood ministration, but that didn't take the intended effect because the gods Be Like That in the setting + his unusual visions and mutation might be the side effect of that and that's why Healing Church stopped doing that with male organisms. Basically, if a male attempts becoming a living factory for the holy blood, it will go "wrong".
6) Combinations of the above points
.....Okay, that went a little unfocused from the initial topic, but you see my points here! Thank you for the ask!
_________________
Bonus ideas:
- Whereas Ludwig is holding the Holy Moonlight Sword in his left hand, Amelia also is grasping the Gold Pendant in her left hand. So maybe nothing was special about her, but holding a special item in the "effected" hand will remedy the asymmetry effect, and had Amelia not been doing that all the time, she'd be asymmetrical too?
- Amelia using recolored model for Bell-Ringing Woman for her appearance might be not accidental, but a fuel for the headcanon that she has Pthumerian blood too, and Pthumerians might simply evolve differently, or traditionally have different way they' go for the blood communition. Off the top of my head, look at Loran Clerics having same sized arms:
Basically, I can answer why Cleric Beasts and the huntsmen have asymmetrical arms, but not why people like Emilia and Ludwig broke the trend despite being the first in line to have blood ministration normally... Because I just have too many ideas, and my preference usually falls towards the most logical ones, but when there are equally logical ideas I become helpless :')
#bloodborne#cleric beast#vicar amelia#ludwig the accursed#bloodborne theory#bloodborne headcanons#use later#ask replies#i actually like the idea that part of ludwig's suffering is just great ones going 'bitch I said I wanted someone with MENSES for this one'#laurence would also not be above using someone as a lab rat but to his honor he clearly used HIMSELF as a lab rat as well dfsjhfdh#but Ludwig being actually the first Blood Saint is interesting!#he could share blood vials with his own knights right on the battlefield#i am just.. Basically Laurence and Micolash (ESPECIALLY Micolash) deeply resenting not being female works sooo well#I had that whole ass post about how creepy Micolash grew about themes of menstruation and birth and female organism in general#and like it scared myself so much that I legit had bone-chilling fear after reading my own shit that night fdshfhds#meanwhile trans Micolash would 10000% lack genital dysphoria and only want things like his former voice or breasts gone#the deeper you dig into bb lore the more you realize men of this setting tend to be really weird towards womanhood and all attached to it#it is just something I dislike to address because toxic fans tend to use it to bully Gehrman fans and tell cis men that BB is 'not for them#but it IS there too so#WHY I AM TAKING NORMAL ASS ASKS TOO FAR#no but when will it end? lol
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if i hear one more person talking about laser hair removal i'm seriously gonna start punching people shut the fuck uppppppppp i don't get the obsession i don't get going through all that bullshit because you're too scared to have hairy legs or a hairy vagina or whatever legit if you're soooo scared someone's gonna be repulsed by that then they're not even worth fucking lollll what is wrong with you . also what the hell are strawberry legs????? are we just inventing insecurities left and right now
#i think my problem is i'm surrounded by so many girls who are preparing to get married rn#aka to have sex for the first time so they naturally have to spend one thousand months preparing their bodies to be impeccable#meanwhile the lousy ass men they're marrying look like literal shit#i need misogyny and patriarchy to collapse immediately#and i need to just not witness any kind of conversation of this kind they make me extremely sick and angry like chill it's not that deep#but it is . to me#š§·
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the lurkers....
#jupiter.speaks#mha#> im not tagging all of them i gotta get back to work in a min but first. this is from the fighting game theres a photo mode t#> its so fuckin funny to me. kei is so so mad šš dabi does not gaf and meanwhile. zawa n tomu r just chilling.#> considerin gettin the mic dlc so i can add him in for the bit too#> n i started playin the mha fort.nite game (vs comp cuz im a coward) its so funny#> hell theres another game. idek what type its like dc universe online ahndkdndkdms#> okok time to go. hope everyone os well <3
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Two of the five new rili shrimp died, WHOOPS. I thought the man just really liked that spot. Sigh.
But at least this man said peek boo before I moved the survivors.
#they are now chilling in a cup in the DP tank#which shockingly has a thriving shrimp squad and just got a water change#meanwhile I did a 100% change on the 5 gal which is honestly what I should have done first but. Yknow#the two sixth generation Cherry mutts in there are living their best life rn tho
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Semi-related to the last reblog, my in-game name is indeed "SIDE ORDER" indefinitely until we get a release date for the DLC
IT COULD TAKE MONTHS....Maybe even until 2024...
Or it could be like next week when we hear news
However long it takes, my name will NOT change, so hello if you see me out there!
#SquidRambles#ME CLAWING @ THE DOOR PLS DEVS...EVEN IF IT'S FAR OUT#JUST LET US KNOOOW /bricked#I am so sad we got the first DLC so fast and then they're dead silent on even an estimate for the 2nd one#Meanwhile Pokemon's DLC is laid out simply as Fall and Winter#Ours could be anywhere from Fall to legit Spring 2024 or something and we'll never know#'it'll come when it comes chill' I KNOOOW I AM CHILL REALISTICALLY I am just excited /dies
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Not trying to be mean or catty, but I know it will come off as such so Iām tagging accordingly. The two ways I can realistically* see St*ncy playing out at this point are:
Jonathan dies and Steve gets a repressed bisexual Cat on a Hot Tin Roof thing going with Nancy (aka the Sad Stoncy scenario) (this might actually work eventually if they talk about their feelings).
Nancy gets with Steve because things are too complicated with Jonathan, who has his own issues to deal with and moves away from Hawkins. Only it turns out Steve has some of the very same issues re: not knowing what to do with his life. Theyāre not all tangled up in complicated family dynamics and ACEs, which should make things simpler, but theyāre also harder to address because Steve is just fundamentally not that invested in deriving a lot of meaning from a career/education at this point in his life. He was kind of hoping that being with Nancy would change that, too, so heās pretty frustrated himself! She tries to encourage him to go to community college or find something to do near Emerson, but he keeps putting it off. Worse case scenario, he gets it into his head that the solution to everything is to get back into his dadās good graces and take a position at theā¦business factory? Which is obviously way worse to Nancy than her 20yo boyfriend goofing off for a while. They break up during the summer after her first year at Emerson after having an argument prompted by the movie St. Elmoās Fire. Itās a relief to both of them at that point.
*Realistically to me personally. I donāt expect the show to share my vision.
#anti stancy#in the second scenario Jonathan takes a gap year and accidentally joins a weird desert cult for a while#he gets fed up with it after a few months because of all the group activities#and has to get argyle/Eden/his family to bail him out#harrowing but ultimately a good learning experience for everyone#I mean not for Eden. she told him it was a cult!#but did he listen. no.#argyle also joins the cult but heās so unaware of its cultishness#that it wraps back around to him being impervious to their control techniques#he just left one day because he decided to take up knitting and went to the craft store a few towns over#and he visits Eden and sheās like did you leave Jonathan at the cult#and argyleās like first of all itās a normal commune#second of all Jonathan was too busy to go to Joannās with me#due to The Ritual#meanwhile Willās chilling with El back in Hawkins#and heās like of course Iām concerned but itās kind of nice to be the sibling whoās NOT in a weird mind control sitch for once#and Elās like I joined a gang once!!!
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Fire. Air. Water. Earth. For nearly 50 years, Avatar Kyoshi has fought to bring peace and order to the four nations. Despite her best efforts, much of the world is still in turmoil. After the fall of Chin the Conqueror, the Earth Kingdom fell into disarray as his former generals turned on one another and skirmished for territory. Fire Lord Zoryu continues to work a quiet but persistent political maneuver to snuff out the power of the Fire Nationās great clans and consolidate influence under his own personal banner. The seas, for a time made clearer by the destruction of the pirate fleets of the Fifth Nation, now find themselves facing an ever growing number of a new generation of marauders who see opportunity in chaos and are determined to find their fortunes amidst the confusionā¦
#had our first session of our avatar game today#and our gm busted out this fantastic intro to set the stage#it does not quite set the tone however#because it's only our first session but we've already committed to so much chaos#bo and li have decided to let an elephant rat loose on the ship#as retaliation for aila's harsh leadership style#aila just started a bar fight by pouring her drink . . . on the person who bought her the drink#meanwhile onartok is just chilling buying tea and stationery#our ship is called the confusion for a reason#aila ruike#avatar legends: the rpg#avatar the last airbender#atla#atla oc#ttrpg stories#hot gay pirates in your area!
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Unfortunately Iām partial to AUs in fanfics so right now Iām holding the tale about the Lind-worm Prince in one hand while I got Knives/Legato (+Vash/Wolfwood) in the other and goingĀ āhmmm is this anythingā
#[Text]#[Non Tag]#The Lind-worm prince is a banger ok#read it again recently because I'm on another fairy tale kick and-#twins that are born bcs magic and the older is a monster but is chill until the younger wants to get married#at which point it kicks up a fuzz and demands it should get married first?#you could totally make this work for Knives and Vash#but Knives only demands to get married first so he can put it off forever and thus prevent Vash from getting married#except open season has been declared on the first prince and all the royals/nobles want their daughters to be the next queen#que Knives eating a bunch of prospective wives#Meryl as a noble girl is on the line as the next bride and who knows how many would get sacrificed after#this is where the scenario gets super self-indulgent#Vash can't stand to see them die because of him so he kills Legato by offering him to knives as his next 'bride'#que the whole undressing contest happening#Legato doesn't die and now Knives has to take him as his queen#Legato is ready to die from happiness meanwhile Knives is just kind of confused about the whole ordeal like this wasn't part of the plan???#also he's people shaped now what#anyways they get married then Vash gets hitched with Wolfwood happily ever after#until Knives begins to commit warcrimes with his new husband#but that's another story#the end
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ICE CREAM TO DROWN MY SORROWS
#verbatim a text i just sent to gurt#we watched tenet together tonight and AAUGGHHH i am weeping again#how do i cope with this...#gurt is jus chilling and watching the movie meanwhile i start having a full on breakdown during the last 15 minutes or so#there's SO MUCH i didn't pick up on the first time even though i Knew.... augghhh#maybe i can actually have some coherent thoughts now that I've seen it again though#Lu rambles#lu watches tenet
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I AM. CONFUSED.
#abt to vent in the tags ignore or message if you want idc#throughout the day i had been debating whether or not i had a crush on these two different people in my life#(that was yesterday)#and then. last night. i had dreamt that i wanted to tell one of them i had the crush and it was like The Plot but i never got to bc it ended#and then immediately after i had another dream where i had a boyfriend (first crush is not a boy but other one is)#except the boyfriend was not the boy i thought i had a crush on it was just some random dude#which NONE OF THIS NARROWS ANYTHING DOWN#and to make things worse. neither of these crushes are the person who i have gone on two dates with#so i feel like i may need to do some light ghosting#i think my main issue between the two crushes is this.#with the first one i have the feelings to a degree but i canāt imagine actually doing any relationship things w them#esp because weāre already best friends so like iām good with just cuddling as friends thatās chill with me i donāt think iām a kisser anyway#but with the other one. i have only a small amount of feelings but can picture doing the relationship things with him#but i donāt know him as well so it could be totally way off from what i think it would be like#plus there is also the issue of#even if i do have feelings for the first crush i canāt do anything about it because weāre best friends and she doesnāt see me like that#in addition to the fact that there cannot be two relationships within our five person friend group and she is emotionally unavailable#meanwhile i could fully ask out the other dude no hesitation but i might end up feeling guilty if i realize i donāt actually have feelings#and i cannot have thought i liked a person then asked them out then broke it off a week later bc i lost feelings for the third time in a row#idk iām just really confused and donāt know what to do and am mad at myself for not being able to recognize my own emotions#this is STUPID. anyways#mari is irrelevant
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls š
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please š„¹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall š#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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