#Maybe it's bc I'm back on my meds
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Current status: bravely battling tummy aches
#hot bitch ibs#Maybe it's bc I'm back on my meds#hopefully it'll get better as I get more consistent#journal#all jokes here#why am I awake rn though#Its 3:18 am
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in the hopital again
#medical#illness#the doctors decided that i might have tuberculosis. not the kind that affects lungs bc my lungs r fine#but the kind that affects lymph nodes specifically in the neck...#but they were never actually able to confirm it from any of the samples they took so like . we're just guessing at this point lmao#and if the tuberculosis meds have no effect im worried that even the docs will run out of ideas like they've tried to find everythingggg#n all the tests they did came back negative. they were only able to confirm the staph infection n a couple other bacteria back in september#but clearly this is more than a staph infection since the antibiotics took care of that and yet my lymph nodes r still acting up#apparently there r cases of tuberculosis where it just doesn't show up in any tests so maybe i'm one of those cases. idk#anyway genuinely think i'm abt to snap soon im so tired and frustrated by this whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!#el.txt
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rant in tags about perscription medication and withdrawals
continued here bc i reached tag limit and i'm still??
it's kinda scary tbh
like i was scared for years now of what would happen off my meds and
when i tried tapering off my antidepressants oof i was breaking down every day and now i /know/ i'm dependant on them and idk if that's better or worse
and with the antipsychotics it's like i thought they were helping my depression too bc when tapering off i was also so panicked and depressed (tho my situation is kinda stressful rn)
but idk i've been trying meds on and off for half my life now and most of the time i'm like 🤷
but the truth is
it's fucking scary how it messes with your body
it's fucking scary when you're dependant on a pill
OR ALSO
when pills fuck your body up to the point you can only eat one thing
bc that's the reason i'm going off the antipsychotics and guess what, i'm able to eat more again now
idk if it's just in combination with the hormon pill tbh i'm just going off both now and we'll see how my iron levels and migrains deal lmao
i feel like i can't think straight anymore
gonna have to get new docs anyway so we'll see what they say if(/when) i go anemic again or if going off the antipsychotics will actually fix the issue??
if so, then it'll be like how did this sneak up on me, i've been taking them for 2.5 years like
??
and now i've lost 20lbs despite trying everything to maintain or gain some the past year and a half and i'm at my lowest weight since i was like a preteen lol
and that's all bc of a med that didn't feel like it had an acute effect
or maybe i'm so removed from my body i didn't notice until i got the acute gastritis ??
i mean i can't even be sure its the meds or not until i'm off
and tapering the rest off is gonna be so fun fuck
i dont wanna
i wanna be able to eat more than bread i guess but at this point the thought just scares me and like i associate it with pain and nausea
which as long as i can manage it is fine
but i've only tapered off half, i still have to taper off the other half of the dosage 😭
and with the hormon pill gone again the worst menstrual pain will be back and idk how to manage that, i guess hopefully with the meds gone i won't go anemic again but who knows at this point??
also praying my migraines don't come back but uh... i am pessimistic. i don't have much hope
anyway
moral of the story.....
ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TAPER OFF YOUR MEDS KIDS BC EVEN JUST TAPERING IS SCARY AND GOING COLD CHICKEN IS PROBABLY HELL
doctors can be annoying (and make things harder, like in my case bc i literally asked if it could be my current meds MONTHS ago, and everyone was like noooooo but guess who was RIGHT) sometimes BUUUUT you should listen to them avout certain things
like
tapering off meds
#it's insane how strong meds can affect you#everyone was telling me “oh that's a strong one” and giving me concerned looks#and i was just like *shrugs*#bc i didn't notice a daily change whatsoever#beside the fact that i slept a bit better#less dreams#and like sleeping more than 5h on average#and well no debilitating migraines where i can't move#but like#no side effects#no making me feel numb or drowsy or anything#but tapering off of them???#the withdrawals???#OH MY FUCKING GOD#i feel like o'm crazy#and it stopped so abruptly#i'm like??? is it- was i sick? was it smth else?#it is the stress maybe#but no exacctly at the same time i now am back to not sleeping and the dreams are back#like those withdrawals#jfc#i felt basically bed ridden for a week#it's a wonder i only cried myself to sleep 1 singular time#tho that's probably the added stress#but like fucking hell#i was so sleepy and weak and couldn't even use my phone it was too much???#and suddenly like clock struck 12 yesterday and i've been alert evver since#my sleeping pattern from before the meds is back#i'm still weak bc i can't eat like normal but i am eating a bit more#ignore me
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can't sleep (despite new meds + melatonin, boo), so I'm thinking about random shit. like: it's insane to me that I'm totally fine living on the ground floor now. it used to really freak me out. I hated being downstairs when we lived in a house. I always felt watched when I had my room on the ground floor. and every time I visited my dad at his ground floor apartment - where I was on my own except for maybe an hour a day - I had what I now know were panic attacks several times a day. so like, that's pretty crazy.
#not once have I thought that I'm about to be murdered since we moved in#and I used to think that everywhere. it was just MUCH worse on the ground floor#idk im just insane maybe#but it's nice that the (other) meds seem to be doing a good job#it feels so crazy now when those kinds of thoughts come back at night. like HOW did I live like this for 30 years?? how did I not kill#myself (too scared lol that's literally the only reason)#anyway hi it seems like I only come here to talk about the dumb shit my brain does at this point#sorry! I mean it doesn't matter I guess bc who would even notice#idk I tried to be online less soooo now I'm back on reddit instead and it is not good for me and I know it#might be spiralling about general life stuff too which is always fun#I'm just so bad at being a productive member of society#literally we went to the city for a couple of hours yesterday and I was so fucking exhausted that I had to sleep for like 5 hours#ughh...#man I really need to fall asleep soon.#personal
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fucked things up with a person i was starting to like and have been sad about it all week :(
#eh.txt#got triggered really badly a few weeks ago due to a family thing#and basically told them hey i like u but i am too emotionally damaged and don't want to catch feelings fr#and they were kind and understanding#and then i regretted it the next day and was like hey jk sorry for being crazy#and they said they've been busy but intended to reply#and then five days passed so i was like don't worry about it sorry for putting u in a weird position#lololololol#it's no biggie i just feel things so intensely and the moving process has been so stressful#cried all throughout yesterday#i hate how intense my emotions get and also how i just replay situations over and over again in my head#and my stupid brain is like ''maybe they will message u back actually''#when it's like girl we crashed three whole planes into the building it's over 😭😭#next psych app i'm gonna ask if we can up my meds bc clearly i am still a nut job :')❤#wish i had the kind of personality that was loveable but alas lolololol
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sitting waiting for someone to text you bc you wanted to make plans with them almost 4 hours ago but now you've just wasted 4 hours bc you couldn't do anything bc you were waiting for them to text should've been a circle of hell in dante's inferno
#i also was on the phone with my mom for a bit so maybe i wasn't fixated on the waiting itchiness for all 4 of those hours but i still#haven't done any of the work i need to do for tomorrow :/ and i don't want to start it bc i'll have to stop in the middle of it except i#really do need to start it regardless of when she texts me back but she hasn't texted me back yet and we're trying to meet up to get food#but we hadn't decided on where to go so idk how long it will take so my window for doing any of it is rapidly shrinking and i can feel it#closing in on me bc it's been dark outside for an hour and i'm still just fucking. sitting here.#also unrelated i figured out this morning that i've been taking tylenol instead of my antidepressants for the last several days! which helps#to explain why i'm suddenly experiencing such a sudden uptick in my depression symptoms but also doesn't help me get back any of the days#i've spent in stasis bc apparently my adhd meds aren't enough on their own (bc i'm depressed) to allow me to do anything easily including#but not limited to getting out of bed#i've also discovered recently that just expressing that i've had difficulty with something to someone at all helps dissolve the mental block#that's kept me from doing it which has been massively helpful for me but maybe annoying to my friend who i usually text about it <3#megan you're a real one and i love you#a post
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am i feeling a little tingle of inspiration crawling back into my brain? sleep hasn't been great but for the past few naptimes i've been actually rotating bits of some neat stuff in my vacant husk of a brain. Please, I need more crumbs.
#maybe i'm just being too hopeful as I really don't feel good at all mentally rn and it still feels like its just getting worse#socializing and drawing would likely help but I've managed to alienate myself from it again hard enough that it's difficult to bounce back#I tried phoning for a doctors appointment bc I have started to suspect that maybe some of my meds aren't doing their job as well anymore#alas... “sorry we cannot say when there would be an opening for an appointment and you're already in the queue for psych eval dep.”#i've been in the queue since april i guess i'll just wither away faster then! good grief#could we please hire some doctors into this country from anywhere? pay them enough that they are willing to come work in this hellscape#shut up yoi#depression
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Sanders Sides is really annoying (affectionate?) to me bc when we talk about 'canon' most people in the conversation are all going to have different ideas of what 'canon' is from each other. For example, for me (and I'm making this post bc I wanted to clarify what I in particular am talking about when I talk about canon) canon is the mainline canon videos, asides (and videos that were previously asides) as well as other dedicated videos (such as the grwm) are supplementary but not canon, and nothing else is canon. But then there are people who take clarifying tweets as canon. And that's fine! It just makes it a little confusing when people are talking about 'canon' but everyone is talking about a different range of information.
Like I'll personally admit I'm a little snobby about what I consider canon. I'm the type if person that thinks if the creator wants something to be canon, it should be stated, implied, or possible to extrapolate from the canon work. For example with Dungeon Meshi, I don't take Daydream Hour as canon information, but rather supplementary. (Not that I need to bc Ryoko Kui does put everything you need to know into the manga, seriously if you haven't read it, I can't recommend it enough.) But there are some people who do. And that's ok! I also don't take her tweets or interviews as canon. This is a general rule I have in what I take as canon across all fandoms.
And I think I've not been clear enough about what I mean by 'supplementary' and I mean like, for example in Ace Attorney I am again, a total snob, and I only count canon as AA 1-4 and AAI 1&2 and this is not an incredibly unpopular opinion but it's still... y'know. Not considering 2 main line games canon. And there are loads of reasons for that which we don't have time for in this post bc we're not actually talking about Ace Attorney, so to get to my actual point. I don't consider the audio drama CDs to be 'canon' but you bet your ass Mikeko is showing up in my fics (a CD only pet cat for Apollo) and I also just stated I don't view AA5 as canon, or at least the same canon (it's complicated) but I love playing around with Clay's concept and several of the other characters from 5+6. I'm just not talking about them when I'm talking strictly about canon.
Idk if I explained that well enough (and if I didn't, please ask me to clarify). I just feel like everyone should have access to the information that I am a snob with unpopular opinions and I love you even if you're less of a snob than me. In fact that would probably be a plus. You DO NOT have to agree with me, I love when people have their own opinions, 'it takes all sorts' and all that, yeah? I just wanted to clarify what I'm talking about when I mention canon.
#sanders sides#siding post#like i hope i didn't come across as a jerk or anything. i have a really hard time with tone when i'm 'talking' like this#it's the autism for sure i have a hard time reading tone from others too. i wish i could just make a video or something#i mean i could but idk if anyone would want that. i actuall thought the other day about it but...#why WOULD anyone want my lame ass snobby opinions on stuff? though i think to be a snob you have to think you're right#which i don't think i'm wrong but i also don't think other people are wrong#idk. i'm wiped. i work with 10 one year olds for 9 hours a day plus taking care of my grandparents and class#i'm eepy. maybe i should stop making posts when i'm half dead. but that's the only time my anxiety turns off#but good news!!! i'm getting back on my meds which should help with pretty much everything#i keep writing in the tags bc i'm stalling hitting post bc i'm nervous everyone is going to hate me and think i'm a jerk and stupid#i literally don't care what other people do this post isn't actually about having an opinion on what is canon it's about the fact that we#all have to have an opinion on what is canon and more likely than not you're going to be talking with people who are not talking about the#same thing as you and it can get confusing.#ok i'm going to hit post now if you read all my tags you're a real one but also why did you do that to yourself
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The next semester is going to KILL me. Bachelor thesis which idk what I want to write about AT ALL and if my adhd brain is even able to do it, two seminars that are probably gonna be super boring bcs the seminars this semester all suck for some reason AND immediately after that I have to do a work experience and write a report abt that. Oh and the semester starts NEXT WEEK
#plus still a lot of work until we can reopen the bar#im soo scared i wont be able to do it and everything falls apart bcs i didn't care enough and then i wont have any qualifications at all#also have to get a legal name change SOMEHOW very soon so my degree won't have the wrong name on it. for which i have to go to court#(in my birth city. it's pretty much a tossup if it's gonna work or not)#maybe i should try to get back on adhd meds that might help but i got heart palpitations and gi issues last time which sucked#god. literally every week I'm like what the FUCK is wrong with me why can't i just care and get things done why am i so lazy#but i guess it's adhd. or depression or the absurdity of having to have aspirations for myself when people all over the world are suffering#anyway I'm grumpy and feeling hopeless. but it will be ok i can do it. maybe. either way it's gonna work out some way or another
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i can't shake the feeling i'm forgetting something...
#but i'm pretty sure i accomplished all my Vital Tasks that were outstanding due to extended period of brain no worky well?#hmm. anyway i can say the new meds are doing a lot for me at least.#stirring up trouble#it's just annoying bc i wanna play video games but there's a nagging 'unfinished task' popup in my head so i can't. >:(#maybe i'll just go back to sleep instead. if i can.
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anyone have advice on fixing ur sleep schedule 🤕
#i'm in a completely reversed sleep schedule again halp! i'm going to sleep at 7am and waking up at 6pm#and i've tried going to bed early and i literally just lie awake it's IMPOSSIBLE to fall asleep early#i've tried like 11pm and i fall asleep for a couple hours then wake up at like 2am and physically can't fall asleep again#i've tried going to sleep at 4am ish and gradually moving it back but i literally just lie there not falling asleep#like wtf do i do at this point#i've been off my meds for a few days bc they can cause insomnia lol i am desperate. pls help#i've tried pulling an all nighter and getting up at 7am and going abt my day but i end up passing out at 12 noon#and even then if i only sleep til 5pm and get up i STILL don't sleep that night#LIKE WTF CAN I DO 🤕#maybe pull an all nighter and drink coffee to get thru and go to sleep at 11pm??? idfk
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Migraines are the work of the devil
#personal;#one hit HARD yesterday at around 4:30 and i just took my gabapentin (and other meds) and went to bed#took me a WHILE to sleep (hr or so maybe?) but it was easing bc meds#but it is Back now that i'm awake and i gotta work#hhnnnngggg
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.
#i fuly get death to capitalism and all that and how it's awful that they're only for pride month to get money#but also target had that self made pillow and that shit really juat#it means a lot to me#i'm hoping to move across the country in a few months and go back to school for the job(s) i'm passionate about#and i'm putting my life together and i've been working hard to rebuild myself after a rocky life#and it meant a lot to have something that says 'self made' bc that's what I've been (for the most part) and what i'm doing#anyways that's it#personal#i saw a post about a trans guy that had a sign that said self made and i've been in my feelings#and i'm on sleepy meds so i'm a little out of it#anyways#i do appreciate the help i've been given bc i've had quite a bit in the past two years#but i'm finally building myself back up again#idk#delete later#maybe
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Check out this fb post of me lying facedown in a random park bc I was sick of being a medical anomaly <3 ft. multiple blankets bc if I touch grass I WILL explode
#pikaposts#medical anomaly blogging#also i was in a ton of pain bc we had to drive for an hour to get to my appointments. this kills the aloe and his garbage back + legs#we're going to have to drive like 4+ hours to get to ehlers-danlos appointments and i am going to DIE#gonna have to stuff my sweater pockets w pills. i have like four different types of pain meds available to me and by god i'm gonna use them#i need like. a hearse. to take me places. let me lay down. maybe we could stick a mattress in there.
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meeeooooowwwwwww meow meow meow good morning!! i'm sleepy :P
#barely slept maybe 4 full hours#my tummy hurts i ate a banana and i still feel like shit uggghhhh#i dunno why im so manic ive been taking my meds every day i'm being SO good :(#im gonna try and go back to sleep bc im not feeling like starting my day yet im sleepy and hurting
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now that i know abt my blood sugar problems i'm thinking back to times as a kid (post-puberty cos it's from the pcos) and it's like ohh this may have been a problem for years. i used to throw up every time i drank an artificial cherry flavored drink and thinking back it wasn't actually every time and i'm guessing it may have been just that i rarely drank or ate things high in sugar so the few cherry-related incidents were hypoglycemia that i formed a false correlation around. i also get sick every time i take a plane ride, like almost immediately upon arriving at my destination or towards the end of the flight, and i think while some of it has just been genuinely being ill from my ass immune system it definitely could also be hypoglycemia from not sleeping or eating enough in advance of or when traveling. i also got into the habit of drinking something with ginger when nauseous which is usually ginger ale bc it's easier than brewing tes and while ginger does just generally help for nausea those bouts of random nausea could definitely be blood sugar and the soda would obviously help with that.
idk it's tough bc i only got tested for this once when i was 13, and they were mostly looking for thyroid problems and only incidentally tested for diabetes/insulin resistance markers, until my shit started getting bad around 17 and i finally got thorough testing. i also wonder if it was worse a year or so before the testing because i went on birth control the year before and with the PCOS being the main cause that could've helped with my blood sugar levels. i don't have enough data and what i do have i don't really know what it means other than that i probably will get diabetes if i don't actively try not to.
just looking back i started getting random spells of dizziness and nausea and hot flashes around age 11 with it progressively getting worse till i started dealing with it around 16 and i wonder if a lot of that illness wasn't from the underlying issue ive had the whole time. some of it was definitely hormones but i think i may have basically just been attributing it all to anything But hypoglycemia because the thought that i could have something as serious as diabetes wasn't even on my radar and i wasn't tracking anything in relation to when i was eating.
like diabetes is a slow process of the pancreas failing, right? i'm oversimplifying but like over time your body stops responding to and/or producing insulin properly. and mine already doesn't respond to insulin properly but just not to an extent where my body is fully incapable of producing and using insulin without external insulin pills/injections. and idk where that puts me in terms of am i or am i not diabetic and should i be dieting like a diabetic person and trying to manage my blood sugar like one or will that just make it worse.
#like obviously in the immediate moment it's just ok im gonna pass out and maybe die if I don't drink some juice rn. i will drink juice#but i keep feeling like i must be doing smth wrong because i just keep crashing more and more often#i don't THINK it's from the metformin i think it's that it's always happened and i just notice now#bc I've been seeing an endocrinologist and actually reporting and getting feedback on my symptoms#the same way i had super obvious PMDD but didn't put it together until i stopped having periods and the mood swings went away#but im still like what if im basically on this diabetes medication when im not supposed to be and it's making my blood sugar too low#even though i know it WAS too high before and it was gonna eventually give me diabetes#but i didn't crash as much#and it could also just be that whatever is wrong w me happens to be getting worse around the same time I'm starting treatment#cos I didn't have it until like a year into the meds and i haven't changed dosage or anything#and i know late teens early 20s are when lots of chronic illnesses start to show symptoms although diabetes skews older#idk. idkkkkk. it's really frustrating i just wanna know what's wrong with me and if what im doing is helping#and i have to keep just testing my blood every 3 months hoping i still look better on paper not knowing if shit is working#like idk i guess id rather deal with occasional hypoglycemia than risk going into a coma or blindness from t2#but this sucks rn and i wish i could go back to being healthy or at least not realizing i was sick
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