#Maybe it's bc I'm back on my meds
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Current status: bravely battling tummy aches
#hot bitch ibs#Maybe it's bc I'm back on my meds#hopefully it'll get better as I get more consistent#journal#all jokes here#why am I awake rn though#Its 3:18 am
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can't sleep (despite new meds + melatonin, boo), so I'm thinking about random shit. like: it's insane to me that I'm totally fine living on the ground floor now. it used to really freak me out. I hated being downstairs when we lived in a house. I always felt watched when I had my room on the ground floor. and every time I visited my dad at his ground floor apartment - where I was on my own except for maybe an hour a day - I had what I now know were panic attacks several times a day. so like, that's pretty crazy.
#not once have I thought that I'm about to be murdered since we moved in#and I used to think that everywhere. it was just MUCH worse on the ground floor#idk im just insane maybe#but it's nice that the (other) meds seem to be doing a good job#it feels so crazy now when those kinds of thoughts come back at night. like HOW did I live like this for 30 years?? how did I not kill#myself (too scared lol that's literally the only reason)#anyway hi it seems like I only come here to talk about the dumb shit my brain does at this point#sorry! I mean it doesn't matter I guess bc who would even notice#idk I tried to be online less soooo now I'm back on reddit instead and it is not good for me and I know it#might be spiralling about general life stuff too which is always fun#I'm just so bad at being a productive member of society#literally we went to the city for a couple of hours yesterday and I was so fucking exhausted that I had to sleep for like 5 hours#ughh...#man I really need to fall asleep soon.#personal
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fucked things up with a person i was starting to like and have been sad about it all week :(
#eh.txt#got triggered really badly a few weeks ago due to a family thing#and basically told them hey i like u but i am too emotionally damaged and don't want to catch feelings fr#and they were kind and understanding#and then i regretted it the next day and was like hey jk sorry for being crazy#and they said they've been busy but intended to reply#and then five days passed so i was like don't worry about it sorry for putting u in a weird position#lololololol#it's no biggie i just feel things so intensely and the moving process has been so stressful#cried all throughout yesterday#i hate how intense my emotions get and also how i just replay situations over and over again in my head#and my stupid brain is like ''maybe they will message u back actually''#when it's like girl we crashed three whole planes into the building it's over 😭😭#next psych app i'm gonna ask if we can up my meds bc clearly i am still a nut job :')❤#wish i had the kind of personality that was loveable but alas lolololol
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am i feeling a little tingle of inspiration crawling back into my brain? sleep hasn't been great but for the past few naptimes i've been actually rotating bits of some neat stuff in my vacant husk of a brain.
Please, I need more crumbs.
#maybe i'm just being too hopeful as I really don't feel good at all mentally rn and it still feels like its just getting worse#socializing and drawing would likely help but I've managed to alienate myself from it again hard enough that it's difficult to bounce back#I tried phoning for a doctors appointment bc I have started to suspect that maybe some of my meds aren't doing their job as well anymore#alas... “sorry we cannot say when there would be an opening for an appointment and you're already in the queue for psych eval dep.”#i've been in the queue since april i guess i'll just wither away faster then! good grief#could we please hire some doctors into this country from anywhere? pay them enough that they are willing to come work in this hellscape#shut up yoi#depression
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Sanders Sides is really annoying (affectionate?) to me bc when we talk about 'canon' most people in the conversation are all going to have different ideas of what 'canon' is from each other. For example, for me (and I'm making this post bc I wanted to clarify what I in particular am talking about when I talk about canon) canon is the mainline canon videos, asides (and videos that were previously asides) as well as other dedicated videos (such as the grwm) are supplementary but not canon, and nothing else is canon. But then there are people who take clarifying tweets as canon. And that's fine! It just makes it a little confusing when people are talking about 'canon' but everyone is talking about a different range of information.
Like I'll personally admit I'm a little snobby about what I consider canon. I'm the type if person that thinks if the creator wants something to be canon, it should be stated, implied, or possible to extrapolate from the canon work. For example with Dungeon Meshi, I don't take Daydream Hour as canon information, but rather supplementary. (Not that I need to bc Ryoko Kui does put everything you need to know into the manga, seriously if you haven't read it, I can't recommend it enough.) But there are some people who do. And that's ok! I also don't take her tweets or interviews as canon. This is a general rule I have in what I take as canon across all fandoms.
And I think I've not been clear enough about what I mean by 'supplementary' and I mean like, for example in Ace Attorney I am again, a total snob, and I only count canon as AA 1-4 and AAI 1&2 and this is not an incredibly unpopular opinion but it's still... y'know. Not considering 2 main line games canon. And there are loads of reasons for that which we don't have time for in this post bc we're not actually talking about Ace Attorney, so to get to my actual point. I don't consider the audio drama CDs to be 'canon' but you bet your ass Mikeko is showing up in my fics (a CD only pet cat for Apollo) and I also just stated I don't view AA5 as canon, or at least the same canon (it's complicated) but I love playing around with Clay's concept and several of the other characters from 5+6. I'm just not talking about them when I'm talking strictly about canon.
Idk if I explained that well enough (and if I didn't, please ask me to clarify). I just feel like everyone should have access to the information that I am a snob with unpopular opinions and I love you even if you're less of a snob than me. In fact that would probably be a plus. You DO NOT have to agree with me, I love when people have their own opinions, 'it takes all sorts' and all that, yeah? I just wanted to clarify what I'm talking about when I mention canon.
#sanders sides#siding post#like i hope i didn't come across as a jerk or anything. i have a really hard time with tone when i'm 'talking' like this#it's the autism for sure i have a hard time reading tone from others too. i wish i could just make a video or something#i mean i could but idk if anyone would want that. i actuall thought the other day about it but...#why WOULD anyone want my lame ass snobby opinions on stuff? though i think to be a snob you have to think you're right#which i don't think i'm wrong but i also don't think other people are wrong#idk. i'm wiped. i work with 10 one year olds for 9 hours a day plus taking care of my grandparents and class#i'm eepy. maybe i should stop making posts when i'm half dead. but that's the only time my anxiety turns off#but good news!!! i'm getting back on my meds which should help with pretty much everything#i keep writing in the tags bc i'm stalling hitting post bc i'm nervous everyone is going to hate me and think i'm a jerk and stupid#i literally don't care what other people do this post isn't actually about having an opinion on what is canon it's about the fact that we#all have to have an opinion on what is canon and more likely than not you're going to be talking with people who are not talking about the#same thing as you and it can get confusing.#ok i'm going to hit post now if you read all my tags you're a real one but also why did you do that to yourself
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posted my stupid presentation assignment a cute 7.5 hours late to a class discussion so everyone can see that i posted it 7.5 hours late <3 but one of the people who was also meant to post today hasn't yet so i guess i feel a smidge less nauseous
#did you know they sell 300 mg caffeine java monsters bc i found out they sell those#i had a little over half of one and i feel almost a regulsr amount awake for it being almost 2pm after an all nighter#i'm gonna take a nap and get back to you probably#maybe a spot of lunch bc i took my meds this morning on a monster/gatorade stomach which is not ideal#never mind about feeling a normal amount awake i feel like my brain is currently swelling so bad i'll explode like that girl in the boa mv#watch the boa mv btw megan thee stallion is the hottest most talented woman alive#a post
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The next semester is going to KILL me. Bachelor thesis which idk what I want to write about AT ALL and if my adhd brain is even able to do it, two seminars that are probably gonna be super boring bcs the seminars this semester all suck for some reason AND immediately after that I have to do a work experience and write a report abt that. Oh and the semester starts NEXT WEEK
#plus still a lot of work until we can reopen the bar#im soo scared i wont be able to do it and everything falls apart bcs i didn't care enough and then i wont have any qualifications at all#also have to get a legal name change SOMEHOW very soon so my degree won't have the wrong name on it. for which i have to go to court#(in my birth city. it's pretty much a tossup if it's gonna work or not)#maybe i should try to get back on adhd meds that might help but i got heart palpitations and gi issues last time which sucked#god. literally every week I'm like what the FUCK is wrong with me why can't i just care and get things done why am i so lazy#but i guess it's adhd. or depression or the absurdity of having to have aspirations for myself when people all over the world are suffering#anyway I'm grumpy and feeling hopeless. but it will be ok i can do it. maybe. either way it's gonna work out some way or another
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i can't shake the feeling i'm forgetting something...
#but i'm pretty sure i accomplished all my Vital Tasks that were outstanding due to extended period of brain no worky well?#hmm. anyway i can say the new meds are doing a lot for me at least.#stirring up trouble#it's just annoying bc i wanna play video games but there's a nagging 'unfinished task' popup in my head so i can't. >:(#maybe i'll just go back to sleep instead. if i can.
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anyone have advice on fixing ur sleep schedule 🤕
#i'm in a completely reversed sleep schedule again halp! i'm going to sleep at 7am and waking up at 6pm#and i've tried going to bed early and i literally just lie awake it's IMPOSSIBLE to fall asleep early#i've tried like 11pm and i fall asleep for a couple hours then wake up at like 2am and physically can't fall asleep again#i've tried going to sleep at 4am ish and gradually moving it back but i literally just lie there not falling asleep#like wtf do i do at this point#i've been off my meds for a few days bc they can cause insomnia lol i am desperate. pls help#i've tried pulling an all nighter and getting up at 7am and going abt my day but i end up passing out at 12 noon#and even then if i only sleep til 5pm and get up i STILL don't sleep that night#LIKE WTF CAN I DO 🤕#maybe pull an all nighter and drink coffee to get thru and go to sleep at 11pm??? idfk
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Migraines are the work of the devil
#personal;#one hit HARD yesterday at around 4:30 and i just took my gabapentin (and other meds) and went to bed#took me a WHILE to sleep (hr or so maybe?) but it was easing bc meds#but it is Back now that i'm awake and i gotta work#hhnnnngggg
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#i fuly get death to capitalism and all that and how it's awful that they're only for pride month to get money#but also target had that self made pillow and that shit really juat#it means a lot to me#i'm hoping to move across the country in a few months and go back to school for the job(s) i'm passionate about#and i'm putting my life together and i've been working hard to rebuild myself after a rocky life#and it meant a lot to have something that says 'self made' bc that's what I've been (for the most part) and what i'm doing#anyways that's it#personal#i saw a post about a trans guy that had a sign that said self made and i've been in my feelings#and i'm on sleepy meds so i'm a little out of it#anyways#i do appreciate the help i've been given bc i've had quite a bit in the past two years#but i'm finally building myself back up again#idk#delete later#maybe
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Check out this fb post of me lying facedown in a random park bc I was sick of being a medical anomaly <3 ft. multiple blankets bc if I touch grass I WILL explode
#pikaposts#medical anomaly blogging#also i was in a ton of pain bc we had to drive for an hour to get to my appointments. this kills the aloe and his garbage back + legs#we're going to have to drive like 4+ hours to get to ehlers-danlos appointments and i am going to DIE#gonna have to stuff my sweater pockets w pills. i have like four different types of pain meds available to me and by god i'm gonna use them#i need like. a hearse. to take me places. let me lay down. maybe we could stick a mattress in there.
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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love 😭😭😭
#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko#i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in#but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not#but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us#but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me#i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of#but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow#idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings 👍👍👍 which i eventually will have to face ig#but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack 😭 it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later
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finally had my psych appointment \o/
#i hate trying to describe my symptoms lmao it sounds so stupid when i say it out loud#i was having trouble grounding myself low-key so i don't remember if i'm trying pristiq or effexor again#i'll find out when i find out lol. i think she said she likes to start with effexor and that it would be up to insurance ?#i asked for pristiq just based on discharge notes from 2016 + it's list of side effects compared to other meds#and also i want to give some select meds another chance before i go back to the ones that make me gain weight like crazy#iirc effexor is up there with zoloft in meds that are hard to come off of but whatever#all ssris/snris are hell to me but they do keep me from drinking soley bc of how hellish of an experience it is to drink on them lol#so i'll run with some fake optimism that maybe something will go differently for once#bc there's nothing else i can do apparently#the cycle of being on + off meds continues
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Sister's therapist called child protective services on my mother!!
#no idea how this will play out#maybe she'll go to a psychiatrist now#fingers crossed anyway#she just said this is why i think God hates us lmfao#only reason I'm anxious is bc Izzies having anxiety attack#i don't actually want my mother in jail though so I'll have to keep the hair she pulled out with me instead of in a drawer#she deadass was just talking about how when i was in high school my friends mother had cps called on her (she didn't do anything Wrong#she was just. incredibly overbearing very much a helicopter parent) but she goes and that was wrong too they didn't need to do that#TOO??????#YOU PULLED A KNIFE ON YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILD#YOU PULLED HAIR OUT OF MY FUCKING SCALP#If Anything is warranted This fucking Is#i don't think anyone will get taken away over this bc some people i knew lived in regularly abusive households and nothing happened there#no matter how often cps was called#two days before mother's day too this is good shit#very juicy#my post#. it might become a problem bc mom's saying she (izzie) is never going back there for therapy#and if that trickles to me needing a new psychiatrist for my meds again after i finally found someone i like I'll start crying
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#Vent#I hate how my brain works bc one moment I'll be fine and then I'll start getting worked up#And suddenly I'm googling 'should I kill myself for blank'#Literally the most mild shit like being white or lazy or feeding stray cats#And while I know that's stupid I know there's people out there who would agree and I don't trust my judgement#I feel like my mere existence is part of what's wrong with the world#I hate having these thoughts so often I don't want to kill myself but it's like every day my brain insists I should#And I don't know if it's depression or a stress induced panic attack (probably both)#I don't know what to do#I changed back to my old meds a few months ago but at a lower dose and I'm concerned I need to go up again#I would really like to be off antidepressants bc I'm afraid something will happen and I'll lose the only doctor I can actually afford#And I don't wanna be left without my meds bc I'm afraid I may actually become suicidal#I don't know I'm just rambling and I think I'm having a weird internal panic attack I don't know I don't know#I hate it#Maybe instead of increasing my dose I'll look into an herbal supplement for my anxiety#I have valerian root to help with sleep but it gives me vivid dreams and seeing as I get a lot of anxiety from my dreams I'm not a fan#Of course my doctor will probably think I'm an idiot if I tell her that#Why can't this just be easier
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