#Maybe be able to be less weird
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I couldn't sleep all night
#Been using the time to think what i want to achieve this 2025#Maybe be able to be less weird#And also draw more cdream and other characthers
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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Lioden Dot Com is designed to accommodate for your wildest masculine dreams and fantasies. The lion, the single male in a pride of females, the "alpha", if you will, dominant over the females and ghiue fbbfdjjdf eurehtret
lioden is a fun game because it has fun lions and sometimes some of them do shit like beating you up when you click on their profile page and we think that's cool and that more games should do that
#we speak#lioden#this post is a joke. please don't read our funny joke post as a serious post.#if you want a less shitposty version of this lioden does feed in to the king you play as specifically as being Masculine a lot#in ways that play into stereotype in a way that is most often ah. jokingly exaggerated? the reaffirming is in a joke-y way#but its still there and we at least find that very... hmm. nice? we like being openly acknowledged as masculine#and we dont take gender serious enough for that masculinity explicitly being a joke to bother us too much#we enjoy the fact that this game plays at masculinity and we particularly enjoy the way it lets us be a caricature of masculinity#in a world where all of the other npcs are just as disinclined to take that masculinity seriously as we are#its very ahh. casually manly. poppin a cold one with the boys or whatever other meme phrase. we like being able to rock up to some gay lion#and casually talk about men#we also appreciate how many maned lionesses in explore encounters there are particularly when youre allowed to like#openly take the mane as a feature of them that makes them more desirable as a woman#especially since thats an aspect of text that somewhat translates to gameplay?#the mane on a maned lioness makes them more desirable. it scratches something that just feels... real nice yknow#something something “if a woman has a beard she is more desirable not despite of but because of that beard” and etc#maybe we'll cohere our gender thoughts on this later. we like being recognized as A Men#rather than like. a woman with some weird features. like yeah we're a woman but that doesn't stop us from being a man also#not even mentioning everything else in there
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I just learned a new word by accident "Moral OCD". I didn't even know it was a thing to be honest
(I dont know if you can imagine how good it feels to really understand that you're not a bad person but just with severe anxiety)
#funny because i was originally reading a post about why Good Omens was trending#Its feels weird#maybe now i will be able to feel better and be less afraid of my own thoughts#mental health#moral ocd#mental illness#mental health matters
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If I stick with illya as my main rook, I’m gonna have to do some work on just how she feels about her family because ‘elf adopted by humans prominent in the military of a nation that enslaves her people but who treated her well and are quietly abolitionists but also kept her home/allowed people to assume she was a servant’ is one hell of a dynamic
#veilguard#the shadow dragon background is just kinda nutty#i assume the devs were trying to avoid the former slave narrative#especially since they largley avoided slavery as a topic and conflict#but an elven rook is in a weird ass social position#like. as a mage she probably had private tutors both because her family could afford it AND because it would be dangerous as hell#for her to be in the Circle#her family loves her but won’t actually own her as a full member of the family#maybe because it makes them less able to protect her or because it would be bad for them generally#or both at once#maybe gen. mercar can’t help the resistance as much if he’s looked down on for his adoptive daughter#but also. that’s your fucking daughter why aren’t you defending her?#what a wild existence
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It’s What’s Inside is a solid 4.5/5 for me because I actually didn’t play Cookie Run during it and I took out a piece of paper to write notes. - .5 for being mean to Brooke.
#great thriller top tier#also god I love an unambiguous fucking ending like THANK YOU#Amazing color work excellent set with the weird ass art house#also any time they did that picture by picture flashback stuff was great#okay spoilers beyond this point#-.5 stars FOR KILLING BROOKE??? SHE DESERVED IT LESS THEN FUCKING NIKKI??!!#And also for stranding Maya. poor dear sweet maya.#Shelby did nothing wrong. Cyrus got exactly what he deserved that fucking asshole#Forbes is so delightful with his five seconds of actual screen time lol#Dennis u contributed nothing and then ur body died. I love u.#I don’t feel bad for u Rueben stop fucking bitches on ur wedding night my god#And that machine looks so fucking sinister from the second it’s brought out I’ve never seen someone design such an evil bad vibes machines#since I guess like the puzzle box from hell raiser? and maybe like. HAL#but u know that thing is fucked up from the second u see a bunch of wires sticking out it old ass electrodes?? and a million switches and a#key operated go button.#also of course Beatrice was Forbes. Forbes wouldn’t have needed to write down or memorize the codes he would’ve been able to sight read it#it’s what’s inside
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count how often i make a post about missing choir here's post number whatever. i miss choir
#spacie spoinks#im gonna do it next semester . but i miss it. so bad brah#i need 2 sing or ill die#also hearing donna lynne champlin sing makes me less insecure of my voice cuz shes also operatically inclined#and her voice does the same thing mine does where her vibrato is very strong and she sounds fucking AWESOME#maybe i....sound awesome too.....#such a fucking. skilled musician . im listening ta her sing face your fears from cxg#and . when the final note came i was like. is she gonna be able 2 hit it. b/c usually thats a very hard note 2 hit#head on w/out your voice cracking since it sits. in a weird place between headvoice and chest. aND THEN SHE HIT IT???#CRAZY EPIC STYLE?????#LIKE THE SUPPORT ??? AND THEN SHE LIFTED HER SOFT PALLET I HEARD IT BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I WAS LIKE :JAWDROP:#NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUTTTTT SOBS#CHOIR PEOPLE/PEOPLE WHO LOVE TALKING ABOUT VOCAL PERFORMANCE FOLLOW ME SO I CAN SCREAM WITH YOU#sigh#anyways
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fuckin hate hate hate hate hate having hobbies like writing and drawing that primarily involve just Sitting there. Cannot wait for spring so I can go out and do photography or something because spending hours sitting still, even if I know I’m being productive, make me go absolutely insane and definitely not in a good way
#I ALMOST CAN. IM SO CLOSE. ITS SO CLOSE TO BEING WARM ENOUGH AGAIN. SO CLOSE#I’LL BE ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE AGAIN AND MAYBE BE A BIT LESS LOSING-MY-MIND-ISH#SOON IT WILL BE IN THE UPPER 40S AGAIN AND I CAN LIIIIIIVE#JUST ANOTHER WEEK OR TWO. I CAN SURVIVE ANOTHER WEEK OR TWO COOPED UP INSIDE MAYBE#I CAN FIDDLE AROUND W THE CAMERA A BIT TO GET USED TO IT AND THEN BAM. NATURE PHOTOGRAPHY AGAIN. AND SOON ENOUGH THE BUGS WILL BE BACK#SOON. VERY SOON. BUT NOT TODAYYYYYY AUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#it’s weird cause I’m very very sensitive to physical activity. like can barely stand without feeling dizzy and tired sometimes#but if I Don’t move? even worse
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wow so like. friends and food really can kinda fix everything huh?
#aka sierra has a 18hr meltdown and then eats one (1) croissant and hugs one (1) friend and suddenly is cured#no but jokes aside Kat ily so much#🥐#genuinely cannot find words that are enough to tell you how much i love and appreciate you#also on the note of friends i actuallt took Talulah up on their offer of company#and they seemed genuinely stoked#so we’re gonna go walk around the inlet after work on Monday#or possibly wednesday#we also exchanged a bunch of dumb Instagram reels and i have fergalicious in simlish stuck in my head#anyway shout out to Kat and Talulah for standing between me and very inconvenient breakdowns#also Ryan for like. just. idk. we’re a team in so many ways and that makes the hard stuff seem more manageable.#plus being able to support him kinda makes me feel less like a total mess? also#& it’s a way to thank him & show him i appreciate him? plus i just. want him to be happy bc he deserves that & i want to help him get there#and when i’m in crisis he makes sure i know i’m not going to scare him off by struggling#and yeah#we’re a weird combo but feeling like you’re facing the world as part of a team#really really makes a difference#other people who deserve shout outs are Em and Finn#nothing specific this time#just being very good compassionate human beings#who i’m very very glad to know and have in my life#oh i reallt wanna do another silly video game night with Em#maybe with Finn next time too#anyway yeah. friends kinda. make life worth living? is basically what i’m saying?#and i love them very much#personal
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「You're thinking 'people from Kansai are stingy' aren't you. ... Actually it's just me who's personally stingy.」
literally me but with uk/europe/whatever distinction americans decide to assign me
#very inaccurrate translation but reckon thats the gist of what its saying#also her dialogues so hard to understand#often ill put something in google translate and it wont know but way more with her#dunno about japanese regional stereotypes at all other than 'kansaiben is weird' which it is and the annoying escalater thing#anyway like europe is definitely stereotyped as stingy and being where ive been like uk is europe which it is anyway but perspective etc#like i tend to forget sometimes people from america and stuff get confused when i talk about 'europe' meaning the not here bit#ive more heard the stereotype that scottish people are stingy not whole uk or specifically england but like i dunno?#when your in a different continent the specific stereotype isnt really relevent and to them im just whatever especially#non english speakers im just european#anyway im just stingy cause im stingy not cause if where im from#though i happen to think all americans are way not stingey enough and weird about money#its weird though even amoung students stingyness is way more socially acceptable in uk/parts of europe maybe australia and nz i dunno#but like americans and japanese people for example tend to not be so much like that#america is like really weird though like the extent theyll act like its shameful to not want to buy expensive stuff for no reason#im not saying being poor is never looked down on here but among normal people its considered normal to not want to burn money#and like not being able to afford expensive stuff? like thats totally normal? i dont live in a bubble?#most people i know are middle class or lower middle class like a lot of them are anyway#though to be fair im mostly talking about americans from what ive gathered from the internet though in real life they are less likely to sa#somethings too expensive or whatever#its funny this is about a regional identity but i compared it to my national or even larger scale one#well cause when you go somewhere else it becomes that often my identity even in my mind is just westerner or non american or english speake
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I wish I was not an unintelligent manchild.
#Vent#I wish I had interests that were properly 'adult'#I wish I didn't like being surrounded by toys and trinkets and games and comics.#I wish my room looked like how you'd expect an adult's room to look#I wish my art was refined. I wish I worked in mediums that were considered respectable to the average person.#I wish I could read. I mean like I really wish I could focus and read a book above a high school reading level. And properly disect it.#I wish I dressed properly. Plainly.#I wish I could feel comfortable surrounded by muted colors.#I wish I didn't enjoy obnoxious music.#I wish I didn't cling to things that reminded me of my childhood.#I wish I could be just like a normal adult office worker who was able to socialize properly and went to the gym#And then would go home and cook myself dinner and read and then go to sleep.#And I would still be miserable. I'd still be undesirable. But at least I'd be normal. I'd probably hate myself less. I'd be more respectabl#Why didn't I ever grow up. Why. What's wrong with me.#Why did I get a weird job. Why do I want weird things. Why am I weird.#Maybe if I was normal I could make fun of adults who have weird interests and get rid of the awful fucking pit in my stomach#Maybe I'd be marginally less miserable because at least my life is put together and at least I'm normal.#And I wouldn't have to waste time and money and energy doing weird things like going to conventions#(I was going to add to that but I rarely leave the house as is)#Instead I would just talk at the water cooler and otherwise think insightfully and deeply. Be a proper philosopher or something.#And with a better more normal job I'd have the money to be a philanthropist too#And I wouldn't bother anyone#And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be FLAPPING MY FUCKING HANDS WHEN I GET EXCITED#OR SINGING UNDER MY BREATH RANDOMLY WITHOUT REALIZING IT#OR BITING MY NAILS OR TAPPING MY FINGERS OR LISTENING TO MUSIC SO LOUD I CAN FEEL IT IN MY CHEST#I WOULDNT BE BOUNCING MY FUCKING LEG#I WOULD BE *FUCKING NORMAL*.
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1 advice to (too) many people: try to start taking yourselves and life less seriously. really
#💛#Like. my dog was taking her morning shit in the backland today and then heard a blackbird sing in the conifer. she looked so mesmerized#the sight of that was everything#Once you understand nothing in life belongs to you (no gains no wins no losses no shit at all) life gets so much easier 🙏#If you think of life as a competition...get over yourself sally and grab a coffee or go look at some clouds. You're enough as you are#Everything is transient. we're only here for a very brief moment. With most ppl we share less hours than we'd think (for whatever reasons)#so enjoy it!!!!! find the weirdness in the mundane!!! the silver lining in the freaking cess pool circus. yea please be a little unhinged#Just breathe. Life isn't out to get you. yeah maybe that fine ass. furthermore just trust it'll all work out in your favor. as it always ha#*has :)#Also be straightforward. Say the unspoken. Be honest to a fault (even if it evokes opposite reactions). Don't bottle shit up#Just relax + smile more. Invest in your own well-being and try to lookout for others' much as you are able to. that's all
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my family's a mix of "went grey in their 30s" and "simply does not go grey until their 90s or something" and I'm kinda hoping I got the "go grey earlier" genes bc then I might look "older" and maybe I'll stop getting hit on by random customers
#the guy today was at least polite enough to back off a bit and admit that I was too young for him which like thank god#but also why would you hit on a service working they are in customer service mode that is not their core personality#I like my hair color a lot actually but I'm not afraid of going grey and it might help offset some of the...weird interactions I have#or it might make them weirder I dunno#allegedly older women are less attractive than younger women and I don't want to be attractive so#then again there's rumors amongst the coworkers that our company might be going under sooner rather than later so#maybe I'll be able to get a a better job w/ less customer service requirements#oracle of lore
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I did too much drawing and writing so I’m writing with my left hand now, and I’m reminded of how weird it is that I’m ambidextrous.
#okay so i thought i was right handed for the longest time because i write with my right hand#but at some point i was like ‘i should learn how to write with my left hand’ since#hyperfocus makes me bad at taking breaks for my wrist so being able to switch is helpful#and my left hand’s handwriting basically looks like my right hand but messier. but like the font itself is still clearly the same#and i asked my psych teacher about How That Works because i thought it was normal and we were talking about split brain syndrome#and she was like ‘… that means you’re ambidextrous’ and i was like ‘haha what’#but yeah. apparently i’m ambidextrous.#anyway i was writing with my left hand and i noticed that my LIGATURES are exactly the same too#like my hand muscles are weaker and less developed but my brain is trying to make it do the same thing#idk it’s just so weird. maybe i’ll post handwriting samples#dante dicit#handwriting#ambidextrous
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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