Carpe Noctem [Chapter One]
ONE: “All these spindly roots”
Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist
Pairing: Vampire!Matt Murdock x F!Nun!Reader
Chapter Warnings: Religious imagery & symbolism, mentions of rehab, crisis of faith, mentions of blood, the typical "animal attacks" aka vampire attacks, mentions of childhood trauma, stalker vibes at the end, Dead Dove Do Not Eat (the entire series)
Chapter Summary: You return to Clinton Church for the first time since Father Lantom saved your life, but what you first believed as an opportunity to start over reveals itself as a mountain of secrecy you have yet to uncover. Needless to say, your first week as a sister at Saint Agnes leaves you with more questions than answers, and an impending sense of darkness coming to get you.
Word Count: 6.8k
A/n: I finally got this done! I started with 3k words and it doubled in size. But I suppose it is enough to set the scene a little. We will certainly be diving deeper in a short while...
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Sunlight streams through the colorful mosaic of stained glass. Red fades into magenta and violet, and blue fades into yellow. Innocence is a fleeting concept in this modern-day garden of Eden, and salvation remains merely a whispered promise.
Centuries rest on the shoulders of those hallowed walls; the knees of countless worshippers have left indentations on the wooden benches, too many to count, even, but a tragic beauty remains in the art of architecture that stands tall amidst worn-down brownstones in the heart of Hell’s Kitchen.
Catholics believe in the Devil. He preys on the innocent and makes them eat their souls like Eve bit the apple. He corrupts them, slowly, passionately, and intimately until they have nothing left. Then, and only then, does he take them by the hand, and he drags their lifeless bodies down to the fiery pits of hell.
You once danced with him. You met him, and you were charmed by him. You shared a bed with him. You loved him. But then the snake whispered about the forbidden fruit, and you had to taste it. You were already broken when he found you. You were shattered glass on white marble floors, bleeding wine into the cracks. The serpent didn’t have to try—you fell hard and fast for his blatant corruption. A silver tongue whispering the sweet promise of salvation to a broken soul, but you never saw the end of it.
Three years you spent surrounded by brick walls and sycamore trees. It was ironic, really. You, the least catholic person to have ever breathed, confined to the walls of a nunnery. For three years, you prayed your knees bloody, yet three years later, it still feels like you learned nothing at all.
You professed your first vows shortly after you returned to New York. It is a vivid memory. You thought you would never see the city again, not after everything the cold and dark streets put you through, but it was the only place willing to give you something to live for. To survive for.
The cold of the marble stairs before the altar will forever remain etched into your skin. Candlelight reflected in your eyes. When you lifted your gaze, you remember, you met the hollow eyes of Mary as she looked down on you. Like her inanimate features were suddenly overcome by a wave of shame for you. Her hands were clasped in prayer, as most of her statues are. A figure from thousands of retellings forever cast in stone. She was given no choice, but neither were you.
The church was alight with the wonders of early spring the day you took your first vows. Yet, when you met the dead eyes of the Virgin Mary, a shadow cast over her pale features like a widow’s dark veil. The sun disappeared behind a set of clouds with the promise of rain, and the kaleidoscope of colors from the stained glass faded into gray. The walls around you resembled more of an asylum, the priest before you reciting a Bible verse you still fail to remember even to this day. You weren’t listening. A voice was calling for you, and the darkness threatened to possess you with its magic.
The longer you stared at the statue, the more the stories set into the church’s window started to come to life. A window to the soul of Christianity: Mary and Jesus, and the apostles, and Judas betraying Jesus; God’s son dying on the cross for all of our sins before rising and ascending to heaven. Judas was greedy, or so they say. He gave up his friend for money, and in return, they both suffered.
The serpent that tempted Eve crawled out of the glass and toward you, the original sinner. Every story played like a bad movie before your eyes, coming at you inhumanly fast. The voice in the back of your mind kept getting louder, and louder and louder as it called your name.
Your sins hung above your head like a guillotine, the very fruits of your labor you had to bear far too young. A daughter, not a son. An inconvenience to those who bore you. You were forsaken from the start, you were told, and the day you took your first vows to become a child of God after being no one’s daughter for most of your life, the walls of the church seemed to know that even after hours of confessing all of your sins to the priest, no Hail Mary could ever take them away. They would always be there until the day you die. You could have done penance until your knees were bloody—you would always be a sinner in the eyes of the church.
You had the Devil inside you, they said. Because you let him inside. And he did not hesitate to steal your virtue from the source, forever tainting the well of your innocence.
“In the presence of God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints, I humbly offer myself to His service,” you recited on those marble steps, but the shadow only continued to grow around you, wrapping its black wings around you. The fallen angel. Was it you or the Devil?
The people around you disappeared. You weren’t taking your vows that day; you were standing trial in front of God and all his disciples who came before you. You were taking a stand, and only the jury could decide if you were worthy of your title.
“I vow to embrace the holy virtues of chastity, poverty, and obedience, following in the footsteps of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teachings of the Holy Scriptures,” you said. “I promise to submit myself to the will of God and commit to live out these vows faithfully all the days of my life. Always.”
Amen.
You lay your broken soul bare, cuffing yourself to the congregation with unbreakable steel and throwing away the key. And there remained the voice, calling for you from the threshold to the darkness.
You thought you could ignore it. Until you returned to Hell’s Kitchen.
Until him.
Your heels drag over the stone floors of the seemingly endless hallway stretching through Clinton Church. The walls look different when you’re not running. When you can breathe without yearning for means of self-destruction that set fire to your lungs.
When you asked Father Lantom if you could come back to Clinton Church, he didn’t hesitate. You were unsure what it would be like. The last time you were here, the circumstances that led you into the arms of the empathetic priest were anything but conventional. The memories you have since tied to this place are a conflict between reaching your breaking point and begging for someone, anyone, to help you, and the overwhelming guilt that came with committing the worst of crimes, and a cardinal sin.
You were not a woman of God. You doubt you were a human being at all. If anything, you were a puppet.
Father Lantom said three years ago, “When you feel ready to take your first vows, come back. I will always have a room waiting for you.” And come back, you did—for he was the one who held your hand when you were falling into an abyss headed for certain death. When you were covered in blood and feared you would burn in hell, the past came back to haunt you with pitchforks and execute you at the stake for the entire town to see. He was there, and in that moment you knew you could not disappoint him. It was then you first started believing in the idea of God.
You gaze down at your habit. The tunic, the cincture, and the veil. You have never been more dressed up, yet you have never felt more naked in the eyes of another man. The fear of judgment for choosing a path you once thought you would only pick over your dead body is rooted so deeply within you that it nails you to an invisible cross.
“Three years,” the priest breaks the silence. You look over at him, walking beside you as he leads you around the hidden corners you’re not yet familiar with.
You nod. “Three years,” you repeat. “Doesn’t feel like that long ago.”
Sensing your conflict and the underlying insecurity that renders you speechless a lot of the time, Father Lantom clears his throat. “You look…better,” he says.
“Thank you, Father. My time at St. Anne’s was very… self-reflective. I learned a lot.”
“Good. I’m proud of you.”
Your wide eyes snap back up at him. Oh.
Pride is not the word you would have used. Proud of you, he said. He sent you away to cleanse your soul, and most days you are not sure if it even worked, but he is proud of you. The man who only knows the worst version of you looked at you and saw good instead of evil. It is a concept that had once been so foreign to you.
“Thank you,” you whisper.
“For what?” he asks.
“This. Everything.” You shrug. “I wasn’t sure if you still wanted me here, so hearing you say that…it means a lot to me.”
“I promised you would always have a room here if you chose to come back.”
There is so much sincerity in his voice. In his eyes. You swallow thickly, feeling the tears burn behind your eyes. You don’t want to cry in front of him, but the words die miserably on your tongue. Instead, you nod. You just hope your eyes manage to convey what you want to say.
The priest leads you to a door that connects the church with the grounds of the orphanage next door. “You will be living with the other sisters at Saint Agnes,” he tells you. The change of subject is welcome. “After we had to close our convent because Tony Stark could not be bothered to fund our restoration, all postulants who have since wanted to join our order were sent to study at St. Anne’s. Like you. But most of them stayed there,” his tone changes slightly into hurting. “They offer a lot more than we can. Donations can only get us so far, and we barely get those anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” you cut in.
He sighs, waving your concern off with the flick of his wrist. “We make due, and now that you’re here… well, the sisters are going to appreciate the extra help.” Father Lantom puts on another smile like you would put on your veil. “We don’t have any separate living quarters, unfortunately,” he states, “so your room is a floor above the children’s dormitories. Sister Grace offered to show you around.”
“Sister Grace?”
“She’s the one in charge.”
Your eyes flick back to the walls you’re passing. Intricate details are carved into the stone even here, far away from the chapel. These hand-made masterpieces breathe a certain eeriness into the church. Not just life but a certain wave of mystique because even the stories from the bible are left open for interpretation, especially when they are turned into art.
A sense of doom falls over you like a dark cloud. “Does she know?” you ask.
Father Lantom raises his eyebrows. He studies your features. Your chin tipped toward the ceiling, observing. He notices the gentle shift in your breathing pattern as your heartbeat speeds up, and when you meet his eyes again after an agonizing bout of silence, he smiles at you once again.
“Sister Grace?” he inquires. You nod. “Well,” he says, “She does know. She’s the abbess. I had to let her in when I told her you were coming here, but I assure you, she swore to the utmost discretion.”
You breathe out. The weight rests heavily on your chest. “And everyone else?” You turn back to him.
The Father shakes his head. His eyes are so gentle. “It’s not my story to tell,” he says. “If there’s one thing I learned after years of talking to people—taking their confessions, listening to their fears, their anger, and their pain—it’s that we all suffer. We all have things we’d rather not talk about.”
The words penetrate your heart like a sharp dagger.
“And as humans, we tend to often see our burdens as sins, even if those apparent sins hurt us, or we had to commit them to protect ourselves from getting hurt. And sometimes, hurt people do stupid things. Objectively stupid, that is. It doesn’t mean we are going to hell for doing what it takes to survive. People suffer, and most of the time, that suffering doesn’t stop. That’s the truth,” he says. “Now, a lot of these people come to confession because they think it will give them a clear conscience, which it does, momentarily. They believe that God will make the pain go away with the snap of his omniscient fingers. A few Hail Marys, a few extra hours at Sunday mass, and your burdens will be dealt with. That is not the truth. Confession is not therapy because penance does not heal decades of trauma. If that were how it works, we would collapse from overcrowding.”
Father Lantom breaks off with a chuckle, but you can’t find amusement in his wisest insight. It’s real, too real. You can’t even muster a pity smile.
“Why do we do it then?” you ask.
“Do you want the Catholic answer or my personal opinion?”
“If those don’t intersect, I’ll choose the latter. Please.”
He takes a moment. “Well, confession works as a tool,” he explains then. “God knows the difference between an actual sin and human nature. Sometimes, these two are the same, but a lot of the time, there is a big difference, and He knows that. Confession helps regain balance where you’re standing with your faith. That’s why we do it. Because faith… faith can be a strong motivator. That’s why a lot of us—sisters, priests, and… and monks—are here now. Because we found a passion and a purpose in devoting ourselves to God. It’s not for everyone, of course, but it is a clean slate if you want it to be. Whether you tell the other sisters about why you chose this path, is up to you. Not me. Because that trauma is yours, and yours alone.”
The silence stretches between you, long, longer, as the church holds its breath. You absorb every word and every breath of his like a sponge. You swallow them. A bitter pill, that’s what it is. It goes down like hard liquor.
You walk a few more steps in that silence with his eyes on you and the world on fire within. “Father,” you whisper. The sound is not more than that. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he says. And this time, you smile at him.
Behind the door that leads to the orphanage, another hallway awaits. The walls smell faintly of moss—nature but a bit rotten. A woman in a similar habit makes her way toward the two of you from the end of the hall. She carries herself with a quiet air of authority. You can’t look through her.
Father Lantom may have vouched for Sister Grace and her discretion, but her judgment is not his to determine. She is her own woman, with thoughts only she can determine. You’re not sure if you are ready for that, either.
He greets her with a smile. “Sister Grace,” he says.
“Father. Good morning,” at him, she smiles.
He nudges you forward. “I have someone I want you to meet.”
Her gaze shifts to you then. “The uniform is unmistakable.” She nods. “Welcome, Sister.”
It’s a start, a small step towards finding your place within these hallowed walls.
“Thank you, Sister,” you reply. “It’s nice meeting you.”
“Likewise. Though it’s been a while since we had someone new here. So young, too.”
“I know. Father Lantom mentioned. I’ll try my hardest not to disappoint you.”
She nods. “Let’s get you settled into your room first before we worry about that. I believe Father Lantom has mass to prepare.”
Father Lantom gives you a reassuring nod. “I’ll leave you in Sister Grace’s capable hands. And remember, you are not alone. If you need help with anything, don’t hesitate to come and find me.” With that, he turns and makes his way back through the door you came from, leaving you with your fellow sister and a lump in your throat.
She leads you down the corridor. “This way,” she says. “Your room is above the children’s dormitories. Second floor. You’ll find it quiet enough for reflection but close enough to be of help when needed.”
Her tone suggests that you will be plenty busy, no matter where your room is in the building. More work means less time to think, and less time with your thoughts sounds like a blessing.
As you follow her, the faint sounds of children playing filter through the walls. It’s a comforting contrast to the silence you’ve grown accustomed to.
Sister Grace opens a door to a narrow staircase, and you both begin to climb. “The other sisters will be eager to meet you,” she says over her shoulder.
You nod, even though she can’t see you. “I am, too,” you answer.
At the top of the stairs, she leads you down another hallway, then finally stops at a simple wooden door. “This one...will be your room.” She pushes it open to reveal the small space behind, connected to a window with a clear view of the adjacent cemetery. “I admit, it is a little scarce,” Sister Grace says, “but you are more than welcome to add a few personal touches; pictures, curtains, maybe even a plant or two. Don’t worry, Father Lantom encourages it.”
The wooden floorboards creak beneath your weight as you step inside. You look around. A single bed, neatly made with crisp white linens and a worse-for-wear mattress occupies one corner of the room, a crucifix nailed above the headrest, and casting a faint shadow on the aged plaster walls. On the other side, a desk and a wardrobe offer some storage space that leads to a second door—the bathroom. It is scarce, but you came here with nothing but a cardboard box filled with your hopes and dreams and books and diaries; people have built homes from less.
“Our shared kitchen is downstairs. Feel free to store your food in the fridge, but don’t forget to label the containers if you don’t wish to share.” Sister Grace pauses, chuckling softly as her hazel eyes meet yours. “You wouldn’t believe it, but even nuns can be picky eaters, and very territorial about snacks.”
You smile, but your attempt at kindness falls into artificiality. “Thank you.”
“Nonsense. We look after each other around here.”
There has to be more to it, surely. Innocent may be a construct, but most of the sisters in the community were born into their faith. They started studying from a young age, always destined to dedicate themselves to the cause. You were far from religious before destiny found you dying in the flames of your old life. Whether destiny or a curse befell you that night remains open for interpretation. You have seen it both ways. An opportunity arose. You received a second chance from a very nice man, but the price to pay was your soul sacrificed to a God you once thought you would never believe in.
Do you have faith or do you not? It is a loaded question. You think you do. You want to know you do too, but you are never fully certain. In the eyes of God, you are a loyal soldier who studied the scriptures and did her due diligence praying for penance, but when you look in the mirror, all you see is Judas.
A heavy breath ripples through you. “You didn’t have to let me in,” you whisper. “Father Lantom didn’t have to offer me refuge, but he did. And you’re not judging me even though you have all right to… I just don’t understand.”
Her answer is a shrug. “When you were desperate,” says the sister, “God led you to us, and you found refuge at the church like so many before you. I don’t believe that was a coincidence.”
You were covered in blood when you came—your hands stained with the essence of another man’s life, clothes torn beyond recognition. You can still feel his hands on you, wandering, lurking… The crimson had seeped into the fine lines of your palms. It took you days to get rid of it, and weeks more to scrub the last remains from under your fingernails down the drain.
You grapple with their decision. “I, uh… I wasn’t sure. At St. Anne’s, they treated me like an outsider. Because I didn’t grow up Catholic, and—”
“And you found your faith in rehab?” Sister Grace smiles knowingly. “Trust me, it happens so often that it no longer comes as a surprise.”
“But there is still judgment. There will always be judgment,” you insist.
She takes your words into account, nodding. They digest for a brief moment until she breaks into a soft chuckle—a mere breath from her full-moon lips.
“A small piece of advice, if I may?” she asks. You hum. “If you spend all your time here questioning whether God has forgiven you for your sins, your lack of faith in the Lord, as tiny as it may be, will always stand between you and taking your final vow. And if you keep worrying about the judgment of anyone other than God, you won’t find happiness.”
You vowed to dedicate your life to religious service, and if you don’t close the last period of your study after taking temporary three vows with a solemn declaration to give up even the last of your possessions then the gap between you and God will be too big for you to ever be anything but a simple sister of the congregation.
But is that what you want? To close that gap and give yourself fully to a higher power? It would be a live sacrifice, you knew that from the start.
You believe in God and the Devil, and you believe in eternal damnation. And you believe that you are damned, too. Doomed, forsaken, and cursed. A scratched record. God’s wrath is not a match for the fear you instill in yourself; your mere existence is maddening.
You are drowning in a darkness you were born with, and possessed by demons you never learned how to exorcize. Not even studying a newfound faith in God to get on the right path could get rid of the monsters that are not lurking under your bed or in the shadows but in the dark corners of your mind.
The beast inside of you has gone to sleep, but God knows that he is a ticking time bomb, even in a comatose state. The Devil has planted his seed—all these spindly roots growing from your soul to the pit of your stomach, digging their claws into your fragile heart and tearing you to shreds. The protective poison ivy you grew over the years can only last so long without water before it starts to wither.
You look over your shoulder when the door shuts gently behind Sister Grace as she leaves you be.
The cardboard box on your desk holds an abundance of scriptures, books, and leather-bound diaries. Your diaries. They told you that writing your feelings on paper would help you heal. If you crave something you know you should and cannot have, you should write it down; you have been for years now, but with every pen wasted and every diary hidden in compartments around your room so no one can find them, the words you write turn into firewood, and your tears are the gasoline.
Outside, the wind brushes through the trees. It beckons you, its tendrils creeping into your consciousness like creatures of the night reaching for the last flickers of light.
With a heavy heart, you flip open the worn-down leather. Seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days. Knees turn bloody from praying, and the joy of one child’s happiness dies at the hands of another’s trauma.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, the groundskeeper dug another hole in the cemetery. Father Lantom will officiate the funeral on Sunday. Another addition to the bones and rotting corpses hiding under a shield of dirt, but does anyone know what happens after?
I tried to ask the Father, but he didn’t give me a satisfying answer. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear, but I did not. I can’t help but wonder if he is protecting me or keeping secrets. The latter would be highly unethical, I suppose.
Other than maintaining a religious belief in heaven or hell or rebirth while we are alive, what does happen to us after we die? Is it definite? Is it infinite or is there something else, something... more?
Is it the Devil? Is it God? Or is it heaven and hell?
And why do they keep digging holes in the cemetery? The children keep asking me every day, but I do not know how to answer them.
Dear Diary, where do we go when it is all over?
The clinking of porcelain and cutlery emerges from the kitchen like a mushroom cloud. As you approach the dining room through a long hallway, the soft soles of your vinyl shoes barely make a sound. The voices inside overlap, but a few rise from the masses, demanding your attention. Like a moth to a flame, you fly toward it.
“…and they found another one this morning. Washed up on the river banks after the storm last night,” one of the sisters whispers to another.
“It’s been fifteen this month alone,” another one says.
“What kind of animal does that?” a third cuts in.
“The kind that isn’t an animal,” says the nun you now recognize as Sister Marjorie, the oldest of the bunch. “It happens every two months for twenty years that bodies wash up on the shore, supposedly mauled by a bear or a baboon in the middle of Hell’s Kitchen, and then the city grows quiet again. I’ve been here for forty-five years, and it still happens like clockwork.”
The one next to her sighs. “Well, maybe it’s the changing climate. Lord knows it has humans and animals going crazy alike.”
“Can’t you see?” Marjorie raises her voice. “These aren’t the actions of an animal. It’s the Devil!”
It seems as though the mere thought puts the fear of God in them—your fellow sisters, usually so strong and collected, reduced to whispers of the rumor mill as the color fades from their skin.
Sister Grace clicks her tongue, interrupting them all at once. “That’s enough,” she says, trying to remain calm but there is still a sense of urgency in her voice. It’s not an exclamation but a well-concealed warning. Behind that façade hides a leader you would not want to cross twice.
Only one of Sister Marjorie’s eyes finds you standing there, eavesdropping like a misbehaving child. The other remains unmoving, caged in by a white scar across her cheek and an iris made of glass.
You swallow the lump in your throat. “Animal attacks?” you dare to ask.
Heads snap toward you. The table falls speechless, compelled into a sudden silence by your presence. The world stops turning.
“Oh, dear, don’t you worry about that,” Sister Grace, the first to find her voice again, reassures you. She ushers you from the doorway to the table, but the eyes of your fellow sisters suddenly feel like tiny needles all over your skin. “It’s just idle gossip,” she says, shooting the others a glare, “nothing for you to concern yourself with.”
But the silence starts to wrap around your neck like a noose regardless. Curiosity is only appreciated when they can answer it, you have learned. In the eyes of God, lying is a sin, and you spend each day teaching the children to believe the same, but is omitting not essentially the same as lying?
They’re scared. They don’t want to admit it; no one does. Fear does not fit under the veil of ignorance, so they try concealing it as idle gossip. The rumor mill is always spinning, and it is an outstanding excuse, but you will never forget the look in Marjorie’s eyes when you dared to ask—dared to question.
A thud from outside causes you to sit upright in your bed later that evening. The springs that are digging into your lower back creak when you move so suddenly.
Through the window, you can see the cemetery hulled into a fog where cold and warm air meet for the night. You put the children to bed, got them dressed in their pajamas, brushed their teeth, and told the little ones a bedtime story. They like it when you do it. Something about the way you tell them fascinates their little minds, so it has become a ritual in the week you have been here.
The more it strikes you as odd that there is noise outside. After bedtime, no one is supposed to be out and about, and if a sister has something to do out of schedule, they have to share it with the group. For safeguarding reasons, they told you.
Against your better judgment, you roll out of bed and into your slippers, wrapping a cardigan around your body. Your nightgown is not the warmest thing to wear on these cold walls unless it is under a thick wool blanket.
The door creaks when you open it. Father Lantom gave you a flashlight a few nights ago because he asked you to take care of something on the church grounds for him after the sun had set, so you kept it. You weren’t sure if you would still need it. Thankfully, you did.
You follow the noise to the back door one floor below. It leads out into the backyard, and a few more feet east, a fence and a gate separate the many acres of the cemetery from the rest of the church’s grounds.
The flashlight illuminates the path before you. “If it’s another stupid raccoon, I swear…” you mutter to yourself. It wouldn’t be the first time one of those critters found their way into the trashcans and caused mayhem in the middle of the night.
Somehow though, it always seems to be you who catches them. The night-owl. The one who is always on guard, always on edge, even when she knows she is safe.
You wander through the backyard, closer to the fence. You tilt your head. There is a small gap in the gate to the cemetery. The fog makes it harder to see.
“Hello?” you call out into the darkness. Nothing.
Through the rustling of leaves and the howling of an owl in the woods far beyond Saint Agnes, a small whimper breaks the silence like a hot knife. It is faint, but unmistakable nonetheless.
You strain your ears. “Oh no,” once again, you curse to yourself. “No, no, no…”
You follow the sound through the gate and into the cemetery. June Montgomery and her husband share a grave. They died over twenty years ago, but it is still well-maintained by their children and grandchildren. A few steps further though, the infestation of poison ivy begins.
The graves under the gigantic cherry tree are the most hidden, and the best hiding spots. You had to tell the children many times that the cemetery is not a hiding place, especially not for games, and never alone, even when the gates are open. The general public has access to it during the day, and if they wander too far, they will land on a populated street. It’s dangerous.
You were so careful. You did everything by the book, and someone still managed to sneak out.
Your heart pounds in your chest, the wet grass soaking your thin slippers until you come upon a small figure huddled behind one of the bewildered gravestones. Sara Mayfield; she died in 1945. Your sigh resembles a cry of relief.
“Timmy!” you exclaim. “Thank God!”
He’s curled up into a ball behind the headstone. Tears stream down his cheeks in bottomless rivers. Your flashlight blinds him, and his whimpers escalate to sobs. Your heart shatters at the sight.
“Hey there, it's okay,” you try to soothe him, crouching beside his tiny figure. “It's just me. Hi. What are you doing out here all alone?” You shed your cardigan, wrapping it around his shoulders. “It’s the middle of the night, sweetheart.”
From what you’ve learned about Timmy, his parents died in a freakish car accident about a year ago. He was in the car when his father fell asleep at the wheel and drove the car into a tree. His mother died instantaneously, but his father bled out right in front of him. He has been receiving therapy ever since he came to Saint Agnes, but he is a troubled child.
Timmy sniffles, accepting the makeshift blanket. He recognizes you, which is a good sign. “I had a nightmare,” he confesses. “I-I wanted to see the stars, but then I heard a crash, and I got scared.”
You wrap your arms around him. “It’s okay to be scared,” you say. “But you shouldn’t wander off by yourself, especially at night. You should have come to me, or Sister Grace.”
“I’m sorry, Sister.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m just glad nothing happened to you.”
His skin is clammy and cold. You don’t know how long he has been out here, but he is also in no state to be questioned.
“Come on,” you say and lift him into your arms. “Let’s get you back inside.”
Together, you make your way back towards the orphanage. But as you approach the gate, there it is again, that voice. Whispers of nothing in the chilly breeze. The air crackles with a certain, sinister something. A chill runs down your spine, and the back of your skull starts to burn as though someone is watching you. Listening. Lurking. And it is not a raccoon this time.
You set Timmy down on his feet. He whimpers again. “Go to your room. I’ll be right there,” you tell him.
He looks up at you with his innocent blue eyes. “Promise?” he asks.
“Yes. Promise.”
The boy lets go of your hand, quickly sneaking back inside. He knows better than to make any more noise. Any other sister would have threatened consequences. But he’s just a traumatized little boy, and the night is dangerous. It’s creepy. Of course, it would only add to childish fear and trauma that has had time to manifest for an entire year.
You turn around when he is safely inside, pointing your flashlight in the direction where you came from.
You scan the blanket of fog for any sign of movement. And that’s when you see it—a shadowy, obscured figure standing amidst the graves by the woods, behind the cherry tree.
Your breath catches in your throat, the whispers echoing in your mind once more. It could not be your name. It’s something else. Latin, perhaps. What terrifies you most though is that you're not scared; you feel strangely drawn to the figure.
You hold your breath. The figure tilts its head, and you do the same. Your heartbeat remains eerily steady throughout. You should scream. You should alert everyone that there is something—someone—out there, but they would call you crazy, surely. And maybe you are. No sane person hears voices and sees the darkness as a comforting presence. Not a nun. Not someone who is not supposed to let the Devil win. And what other explanation is there but for the figure to be a phantom of the Devil's making?
In the blink of an eye, the figure is gone. The hold on your lungs eases, and you gasp for air like a desperate woman.
Instinctively, you turn to the door and usher inside. Timmy is still standing there. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
You shake your head, trying to clear your mind. “Nothing,” you say, but when you lock the door to make sure no one can get in or out, your hands shake. A single drop of sweat runs down your temple. “Come on.”
Inside, you’re freezing. Like a cold hand touched you and set you on fire, but it had claws that let the ice age into your heart, and now you’re poisoned.
Taking Timmy back to his room, you can’t shake the feeling of unease that gnaws at your insides like a hungry beast. You tuck him in; you check under his bed for monsters, and you lock the windows. It takes a while for him to settle back into sleep, but when he finally does, you leave his room on your tiptoes and close it.
The other children are all peacefully asleep, and your fellow sisters seem to not have noticed the commotion you caused on your way in. Every door is locked—you check twice. Still, when you get to your room, your hands tremble once again when you use the key for the fragile lock for the first time.
Fear is not what compels you. Uneasiness, maybe, but not fear. The venom in your veins stems from something else entirely. You can’t explain it. The feeling is familiar somehow, but so foreign at the same time.
You clutch the rosary from the nightstand over your diary, facing the fog you yearn for so desperately. “Foolish, foolish idiot,” you mutter.
Dear Diary,
Did I force myself upon God out of… of guilt? Or was it a sign that He led me to Clinton Church that night? I thought penance would wash away my sins, that by dedicating myself to Him, I could erase the past. You know, like magic. But I was so wrong. Father Lantom… He told me that’s not how it works, and Sister Grace… She’s so sure that will stand in my way, and now I can’t help but wonder… Did I study scripture and Catholic rules for the past three years like a mad woman out of faith or because I was trying to make good for something I did by neutralizing myself?
I’m lost. I don’t know the path to righteousness, and I don’t know how to silence this… this darkness inside me. I can hear it calling my name. Every night… I’m scared that I’m not scared enough. I’m a flawed creature; I’m desperate and tired, but I don’t want to disappoint Him. But how can I?
How do I serve a God I have been lying to from the start, and how the fuck do I fix this?
You squeeze your eyes shut, the pen cracking under the pressure, and the ink bleeds onto the page, over the letters and your broken heart. Your blue fingers wrap around the rosary again as what you have written disappears under the chemical ocean.
In the heat of the moment, you tear the page out of its confines, but it has tainted all the ones to come. You ruined it like you ruined yourself. The page had been you once, being bled all over by an ink meant to stain for the rest of your miserable life, but you tried to glue it back in place. You tried not to fall apart like your diary just did at your very hands—as everything you touch rots or turns to ashes eventually.
You ball a fist around the paper, tossing it across the room. It hits the window. You catch your runny reflection in the glass. To think you were just looking to be loved, to be seen and forgiven ever since you were a little girl dreaming of being a princess, but instead, you are falling apart.
But no, you will not let the Devil win. You pull the curtains closed, and you hide the cemetery where it belongs—with the dead, both in heaven and hell and everything in between. The Devil can’t have you because God already does.
You have to seize the night before it seizes you. Anything else would be, for the lack of a better word, certain suicide.
Tag List: @luvebugs @mxxny-lupin @1988-fiend @bluestuesday @ghostheartbeat @cheshirecat484 @faesspace (if you want to be tagged or I forgot to tag you, let me know!)
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Digimon Adventure 01 - Adrift? The Island of Adventure! / And So It Begins....
Right off the bat, we can feel the tonal difference between how the two shows want to present themselves. The Japanese version opens with narration provided to us by a grim and stone-faced narrator, while in the English version, Tai delivers the exposition himself in a light-hearted and goofy tone.
The Japanese narrator explains to us in a bit more detail precisely what is happening throughout the world. Drought has struck the paddy fields of southeast Asia, heavy rains are flooding the Middle East, and the U.S. is suffering from freezing temperatures.
Tai has similar dreary info to drop on us. He tries to keep it light because that's the tone the dub is going for, but his version's... a little different. In fact, hilariously, Tai's version is much worse.
The way he tells it, the whole rainforest has dried up and oceans have risen to flood "other areas like chocolate sauce". The freezing also is no longer in the U.S.; It's "cities which are normally blazing hot", not contained to any specific region. Holy shit.
So, yeah. Either way, the world's being fucked sideways right now by climate catastrophe, but it's ironically being fucked harder in the lighter and goofier English dub.
With that out of the way, we met our cast of kids - With the English Tai getting in a funny joke, claiming to be "working on my multiplication tables" while we clearly see him snoozing in a tree.
Each character comes with their own special introduction slide to give us some basic information on them. For the Japanese version, the narrator coldly lists them off by name, while their information blurb tells us what grade they're in.
This gives us a general understanding of how old each kid is, relative to one another, which is kind of important for understanding their group dynamic down the road.
6th Grade: Jou
5th Grade: Taichi, Sora, and Yamato
4th Grade: Koushiro and Mimi
2nd Grade: Takeru
The dub omits that particular information and instead gives us some basic information on what Tai thinks of each character.
Sora: "She's okay, for a girl!"
Matt: "Too cool; Just look at that haircut!"
Izzy: "He should have gone to computer camp."
Mimi: "I'll bet you can guess her favorite color on the first try."
T.K.: "Matt's dopey little brother."
Joe: "Don't ever scare him; He'd probably wet his pants."
For most of the character names, it's pretty obvious which name connects to which. Izzy's the odd man out, as it's an abbreviation for Koushiro's family name Izumi.
The omission of the characters' ages from the dub is something that I think hurts it; It's not super clear, watching the show in English, that Joe's supposed to be the oldest kid by a year or two, or that Mimi's one of the youngest in the cast. However, this is important context for driving some of the plot points that the show has in store for them.
As the kids are struck by a freak blizzard, neither version really stops to explain this but the kids who will be our protagonists get separated from the rest of the campers. In both versions, we just see a group of counselors ushering kids into tents, and then Taichi opens this door once it stops.
I think the Japanese version was trusting its audience to understand from context where they are. Taichi, Yamato, Sora, Jou, Koushiro, Mimi, and Takeru have all taken shelter from the blizzard inside a nearby Shinto shrine.
This is why, when the aurora suddenly arrives and transports them across worlds, no other campers are taken with them. They're in an isolated location away from the rest of the group.
Jou even has a line expressing that he wants to return to the others, to clarify that these seven children are presently alone.
The English version offers no less information than the Japanese. Well, it offers a little less; That one context-clarifying line from Jou is replaced by Joe saying "I was worried I'd catch a summer cold but this is even worse!"
However, more importantly, we don't have Shinto shrines here. So the context isn't quite as evident to a kid watching on TV in the 90's. I always thought they were just in some kind of cabin at camp.
As the kids stare in awe at the sudden arrival of an aurora that's about to ruin the next several months of their lives, Jou again urges everyone to return to adult supervision pronto. This time Yamato agrees with him, pointing out that they could get sick if they stay out here.
Joe and Matt, on the other hand, have different concerns. In the dub, it's Joe that worries they're all going to get sick if they stay out here. This time, Matt disagrees, insisting that they can't miss a sight like this. That they are all alone in the wilderness with no adult supervision is not a concern for Joe at all, apparently.
Koushiro also points out that auroras aren't supposed to happen in Japan, so this is weird. The dub is trying to localize for an American audience, so Izzy's a bit more descriptive here. He calls this out as the Aurora Borealis specifically but says that's supposed to happen in Alaska. "We're way too far south."
Then the Aurora strikes, delivering their Digivices and whisking the kids away on a magical adventure of violence, terror, and coming to terms with the reality of death. YAAAAAAAAAY
So it begins! Taichi is the first we see meet his Digimon partner. This is Koromon. English Koromon explains that his name means "Brave Little Warrior". This is a bald-faced lie.
Like many Baby and Child stage Digimon, his name is based on an onomatopoeia; Specifically, Koromon is named for the sound of a round object rolling around. "Korokorokorokoro". I think the dub version of the character was embarrassed to admit that. :P
Koushiro's partner Mochimon is next. The subtitle here says Motimon but you can clearly hear Mochimon. His name is based on the sound of a spongey goop extending and retracting. Mochimochimochi.
Once these two are introduced, the dub goes in on trying to deliver information to the audience. This place is called the Digi-World, and Izzy speculates that the Digimon are the Digivices themselves, transformed into physical lifeforms.
None of this is in the original; This is a quiet moment as Taichi takes in the magnitude of their isolating predicament. The only information offered is that this is a place called File Island; the word "File" is said in English.
That they've Isekai'd into another world entirely is not something they know as of yet. At this point in time, the possibility exists that maybe we got washed out to sea somehow but we're still somewhere near Japan.
When Taichi tries to scout out what's around them, our central antagonist for this episode arrives: Kuwagamon, an Adult-stage Digimon named for a particular species of stag beetle: Nokogiri-kuwagata.
The first altercation with Kuwagamon goes terribly, forcing Taichi and Koushiro to take cover inside a special program. As Mochimon explains, they're inside a hologram of a tree which will conceal them from Kuwagamon.
The English Motimon offers the less helpful explanation, "It's a Hiding Tree, silly!" That'll do it. All I need to know, thanks.
Once Kuwagamon's gone, we meet up with Sora and our next Partner Digimon.
Pyocomon, named for the sound of bouncing. Pyocopyocopyoco! The dub cuts off the P and calls her Yokomon.
Immediately followed by Takeru's partner Tokomon, named for the sound of trotting around. Tokotokotokotoko.
And Yamato's partner Tsunomon. This one isn't an onomatopoeia; Rather, "tsuno" is the Japanese word for "horn". He's Hornmon. You can probably guess why.
Following that, we have Pukamon, named for the sound of floating or hovering. "Pukapukapuka", though the dub calls him Bukamon with a hard B sound.
We cut to commercial break and then come back to a completely redundant second introduction. Each Digimon takes turns going around and saying their names, and then Tai introduces each of the human characters and tells us which grade they're in; The same information from those slides earlier.
I think the localizers realized how unnecessary this is because they use this time to waffle instead. Rather than intros, the Digimon just say things like "We're super cute!" "And loyal!" Tai, however, once again misses an opportunity to establish the relative ages of the characters and just reintroduces all of the humans by name.
Wait, but aren't we missing someone? As if on cue, Mimi comes screaming out of the woods with her Partner Digimon at her side.
Tanemon, which translates in English to "Seedmon". However, like Tsunomon, her name remains Tanemon in the dub. Mimi isn't screaming because of Tanemon, however; She's being hunted by Kuwagamon.
I should note that the dub characters are extremely rude about Mimi's absence. Sora calls her "the girl with the funny hat" to which Tai replies, in the most eye-rolling and disdainful voice possible, "Now now, her name is Mimi." You can hear him sneering.
Then Izzy chimes in and, in a weirdly bitter tone, suggest she's "picking flowers" or "going on a nature hike". The fuck crawled up y'all's butts and died? This girl has done nothing.
The dub, however, does get in a fantastic line when Kuwagamon attacks again.
As the kids cower in a clearing from Kuwagamon's renewed assault, Joe cries out, "My mom is going to want a complete and total refund!" XD I love that. It manages to land a joke without killing the tension in the process.
Cornered on the edge of a cliff, the partners are forced to fight Kuwagamon.
It does not go well. Real quick, who do you think wins in a fight: An experienced lumberjack vs. several toddlers?
What a lovely start to an adventure. We have no idea where we are or why, and the strange magical creatures who showed up to protect us have all been beaten within an inch of their life by what, for all intents and purposes at this time, just appears to be Random Encounter wildlife.
We're gonna die out here.
With their backs against the wall, Kuwagamon renews the assault once more and the Baby Digimon are forced to break free from their worried kids and fight once more.
The dub tries really hard to downplay the peril these kids are in right now. For instance, when Taichi asks Koromon why he attacked Kuwagamon so recklessly, Koromon uses what little strength he has to state that he needs to protect Taichi. Dub Koromon just says he wanted to show off and look cool.
Similarly, as Kuwagamon comes tromping out of the woods, Taichi expresses hopeless fear, and Koromon then insists that that Digimon must fight. Dub Tai instead says, "Get ready to run!" only for Koromon to argue that he wants to fight instead. Like. They're standing on the edge of a cliff. There is nowhere to run to. The dub's manufacturing retreat options to make fighting a personal choice rather than a survival necessity.
But now the bonds they've formed with their kids are strong enough for the first in what's going to become a major metaphysic for this series: Evolution.
The dub calls it Digivolution, possibly to distinguish it from evolution in Pokemon which was airing alongside this show, but in Japanese it's just "shinka" meaning evolution. As each Digimon evolves, there's a stock quote format that they express in both versions.
In English, it's "Koromon, digivolve to: Agumon!"
In Japanese, it's "Koromon SHINKAAAAAAAA!!! Agumon!"
I admit, ever since the first time I watched this in subs, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the bloodcurdling battle roar of "SHINKAAAAAAA!!!" every time they evolve in Japanese.
While Kuwagamon gets dogpiled by Child-stage Digimon as the Digimon theme song blazes in the background, let's take a moment to go over each of their new names.
Agumon: "Aguaguagu". The sound of biting.
Gabumon: A type of puppet used in Kabuki theater.
Piyomon: "Piyopiyopiyopiyo". The sound of tweeting.
Tentomon: Tentoumushi, a type of ladybug.
Gomamon: Gomafu azarashi, a type of seal.
Palmon: A play on "palm", a kind of tree.
Patamon: "Patapatapatapata", the sound of flapping wings.
The English version replaces the roaring Digimon theme song with some generic fight music.
With Kuwagamon successfully fended off, the vibe of this scene is pure tension-relieving jubilation. The dub slides in Izzy saying, "They made vaporware out of him," and goddammit, that got me. XD The important thing is that Kuwagamon is gone and everyone is safe forev--
Oh, never mind. Everyone fucks off a cliff and probably dies and that's where we leave off episode 1. This sequence features possibly the funniest "Easing Up on the Peril" edit in this entire episode. As Kuwagamon slams his pincers into the edge of the cliff side to send them hurtling to their doom, the English version splices in random still frames of the kids looking tough to show this is no big deal and they can handle themselves in this mess!
Izzy standing there like "GRRR I'm a big strong American boy and they build us TOUGH over here! Me and mah gun can TAKE gravity!"
Before ending on the exact same shot of everyone falling to their doom anyway.
Either way, this is where the episode leaves off. The kids have been transported to this mysterious location. They have no idea where they are, how they got here, or why. They were terrorized around the forest, and now they're all falling to their doom.
This sets the stage for what this adventure is going to be like. This is not a magical journey of whimsey and effortless victories. These children are in extreme peril and nobody is coming to save them.
Man, File Island sucks. I'm with English Joe. If I was one of these kids' parents, I'd be demanding a refund too. Worst camping trip ever.
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