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bitterkarella · 4 months

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Midnight Pals: Souper

[at unicorn fuck club] JRR Tolkien: tonight we've got a special story from everyone's favorite fantasy writer GRR Martin: CS Lewis: Peter S Beagle: Hans Christian Andersen: L Frank Baum: Tolkien: whoops shouldn't have said that ha ha Tolkien: i mean, you're all winners in my book

Tolkien: but when i say everyone's favorite fantasy writer Tolkien: i mean terry practchett GRR Martin: oh yeah that's fair CS Lewis: yeah fair Peter S Beagle: fair Hans Christian Andersen: yes yes of course L Frank Baum: that's fair

Terry Pratchett: hello unicorn fuck club today i've got a story about a wizard who is - get this - actually very bad at his job Tolkien: oh ho ho! terry my boy, you've done it again! Pratchett: there's also girl dwarves Tolkien: [suddenly stone-faced] i hate this

Pratchett: but first Pratchett: all this story telling is hungry work! Pratchett: do you happen to have anything to eat around here? Tolkien: are you talking about... Tolkien: having Tolkien: a Tolkien: feast????? Brian Jacques: [squeaking incomprehensibly in rising excitement]

Tolkien: why, terry, my boy, what an idea! Tolkien: instead of merely DESCRIBING a feast, we'll have one! huzzah! Martin: huzzah! Lewis: huzzah! Jacques: [squeaking] i use a mercury head dime as a serving platter!

Pratchett: no no nothing so fancy as that Tolkien: eh? Pratchett: i was more thinking along the lines of Pratchett: soup Tolkien: soup? Pratchett: yeah just a big bowl of heart soup right about now would just be the best thing Pratchett: oo i just love the sound of it!

Pratchett: think about it: no work... no worries... no failures... no waste... when you serve maggi homestyle soups, the finest money can buy yet priced reasonably within your budget Tolkien: interesting! tell us more Pratchett: maggi soup! es ist echt ausgezeichnet!

Pratchett: how often have you had this problem Pratchett: say, you're on a budget but you have to feed your hungry hungry boys Tolkien: oh man i have been there! Tolkien: more times than i can count!

Tolkien: but terry Tolkien: i need something substantial and nourishing for my hungry boys. can maggi soup satisfy? Pratchett: ahh jirt my friend, maggi soup does more than satisfy! Pratchett: as the good people at maggi say, "kartoffelsalat volkswagen fahrvergnugen lebensraum!!"

Tolkien: What's that sizzling sound I hear? Pratchett: Get up! It's soup and eggs, my dear! Martin: What can I cook without much fuss? Pratchett: maggi soup would tickle all of us! Lewis: What's a lunch that's good and quick? Pratchett: Hot Maggi soup mix does the trick!

Pratchett: mm mmm! i tell you, nothing's as good as a rich bowl of maggi soup! buy some today! eat it with someone you love! Neil Gaiman: something's not right here

Gaiman: of course the power of imagination is infinite, friends Gaiman: but in all the worlds in all the multiverses of possibility, i cannot imagine one in which terry pratchett shills for soup Pratchett: [sweats] nein, nein, ich bin der echte terry pratchett!

Gaiman: if you are in fact, the real terry pratchett Gaiman: and not an imposter Gaiman: like the imposter sandman hector hall in The Sandman, vol. 2: The Doll's House Gaiman: then you won't have any trouble telling a joke Pratchett: [sweats] ein witz? du magst ein witz?

Pratchett: [sweats] i mean ha ha of course i can tell a joke Pratchett: i am the real terry pratchett after all Pratchett: [sweating intensifies] and you all know me, i'm a real spaßvogel Pratchett: Pratchett: a-are you sure you wouldn't all rather just have some soup?

#midnight pals #the midnight society #midnight society #terry pratchett #neil gaiman #jrr tolkien #grr martin #cs lewis #brian jacques #peter s beagle #hans christian andersen #l frank baum

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kanerallels · 11 months

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Trick or treat!

Hehehe so I'm gonna take you up on your offer to share more about those OCs I mentioned. Specifically the romantic couple (the best context I can offer you for now is that it's a marriage of convenience and I love them your honor)

“You want to know my middle name?” Kyle stared so blankly that Kate had to laugh at him.

“Hey, you’re the one who suggested getting to know each other,” she pointed out, leaning back against the couch cushions. “These are the important things in a relationship now, you know. First base is getting into a brawl at a crime scene, second base is marriage, and third base is finding out your middle name.”

He laughed, which she still wasn’t totally used to. “I’m almost positive that that’s not true, but okay. It’s Wilfred, but I’m pretty sure you heard it at the ceremony— what?”

Striving to hold back another laugh, Kate cleared her throat. “Nothing. Just, um. Wilfred?”

The expression on his face was so long suffering that she couldn’t prevent her laughter any longer as he said, “There is nothing wrong with the name Wilfred— why did I know this was going to be your reaction?”

Gasping for breath, Kate managed, “Because your middle name sounds like you’re a British archbishop.”

Kyle shook his head, the corners of his mouth curling up into a reluctant smile as he told her, “It’s really not that funny.”

“It really, really is,” Kate told him, grinning at him. He let out a half laugh, looking ruefully amused.

His gaze drifted past her, to the wide picture window behind them— and then his smile dropped away. Before Kate could even properly think to ask him what was wrong, he was moving towards her.

Crashing into her, he grabbed her and rolled them both off the couch. In the same moment, a gunshot rang out, and the window behind them shattered.

Kate hit the ground a heartbeat later, landing on her side with Kyle on top of her. He didn’t move, and she felt a spike of panic go through her. “Chambers?” He didn’t respond, and she swallowed down the fear creeping in her chest. “Kyle!”

“I’m okay,” he said, rolling off of her and landing next to her with a grunt. “Are you? And the baby—”

“Both fine,” Kate told him, praying with all her might that it was true. Nothing felt wrong, and she hoped she’d realize it if there was.

“Good,” Kyle said, his expression going from worried to serious in a heartbeat. “Stay there.”

Kate opened her mouth to argue, but he was already moving— or rather, army crawling across the living room. Reaching the coffee table, he slid under it. A few seconds later, he rolled back out, carrying a gun.

“Wha— how long has that been under there?” Kate demanded as he checked the magazine with an easy, practiced motion.

“The whole time,” he said. “I wanted to be prepared, in case of, well, this.”

As he locked it back into place, Kate caught sight of a dark stain on his arm— blood, she realized with a lurch. “You told me you were fine,” she said.

“What— I am, Kate. It just grazed me,” he assured her. “I’ll clean it later.”

Flipping onto his stomach, he crawled back over to her, and cautiously slid into a sitting position. “You stay down there.”

“I am not enjoying this,” Kate grumbled.

“I know. Pass me that pillow?”

Looking around, Kate spotted a cushion behind her. Grabbing it, she pushed it towards Kyle, who took it by the edge. “Time to see what we’re up against,” he muttered, and lobbed it into the air.

It hadn’t even reached the top of its arc when there were two sharp cracks, and the pillow exploded into a cloud of stuffing and bright fabric. Kate choked back a gasp of shock, and Kyle’s expression tightened slightly.

“We’ve got a professional out there,” he said, his tone even. “Don’t go near the windows.”

“Easier said than done,” Kate muttered, shocked by the steadiness of her own voice. Sarcasm helped, she supposed. “What are we going to do?”

Kyle didn’t answer right away, and Kate’s stomach tightened. Oh. So it’s that bad. Slowly, he said, “If the sniper out front is that good, there’s money involved. So if too much time passes without him being able to get to us, they’ll send a crew inside to get us. We can last a while against that.”

“But not long?” Kate persisted. She needed to know what they were looking at. The last thing she needed was Kyle going all chivalrous on her.

“Not long,” he said. “Hopefully long enough. I left my phone in my jacket— if we can get a hold of that, I can call work, and we’ll get backup headed our way. That’ll make our chances a lot better.”

“Okay,” Kate said, taking a deep breath. “Where’s your jacket?”

“Dining room.” Kyle frowned, and Kate could all but see him working through the variables. If he went and someone broke in, that would leave her defenseless. But if she went… there were far too many things that could go wrong. Things he couldn’t control.

But we don’t have time to spare worrying about that. “I’ll go,” she told him. “You can cover me. You’re the better shot anyways.”

“Kate—”

“Just shut up and cover me, Chambers.”

She could see he didn’t like it. But all he did was set his jaw, flip the safety off, and say, “Be careful.”

Kate didn’t dignify that with a response.

Crawling across a room while four months pregnant was fairly awkward, but she found her rhythm quickly enough. As a thief, making her way through uncomfortable situations like this one was her expertise. Most of the time, she wasn’t being shot at, though. Or pregnant.

That said, she usually didn’t have someone watching her back, either.

She’d made it halfway to the doorway leading into the dining room when she heard a creak. A familiar one, in fact. The kind that the hinges on the back door usually made.

Kate’s heart nearly stopped, and she looked at Kyle. Rolling towards it, he flipped the coffee table on its side, sending a few books and a (thankfully unlit) candle clattering to the ground. Shoving the table towards her, he mouthed, Stay down.

For once, Kate listened to him. Hiding behind the table, she watched the partially open door that the intruder would most likely come through, heart pounding so hard she felt like it would burst. Kyle didn’t move, his weapon leveled towards the doorway as footsteps echoed through the house, coming closer with every agonizing second.

And then they stopped short. Kate counted thirty heart wrenchingly breathless seconds before a familiar, accented voice came through the door.

“Chambers, I’d rather like to leave the building intact, if you don’t mind.”

Kyle blinked, looking startled. “Andersen? Don’t come in, there’s a—”

“Sniper, yes. I know.”

“How?”

Andersen’s voice was wryly amused as he said, “One of the few benefits of a corrupt police department is that you can pay them off, too. And it makes it easier to get access to their radios. Ivan was monitoring their channel, and he saw there was a call about a suspicious car in your neighborhood that wasn’t followed up on. I connected the dots quickly enough.”

“I’ve never been so grateful for a nosy government,” Kate muttered, and she heard the soft sound of Andersen’s laugh.

Kyle grinned, too, but it faded away a few seconds later. “Sir, if you’re here, does that mean that—”

“It’s not Alban,” Andersen said. “Nothing points to it being him. Which means that, unfortunately, it’s most likely one of your enemies, Chambers.”

“Don’t rule out my enemies so quickly,” Kate offered. “Plenty of people hate me.”

“Oh, we know,” Andersen said amusedly. “But not many would order a hit on you. Kyle, on the other hand—”

“I have plenty of people who would do that, if provoked,” Kyle finished. “Sir, we need a plan to get Kate out of here as fast as possible.”

“We have a plan,” Andersen assured him, “to get both of you out of here. You’ll go out the back door, staying low. There are less windows back here, and we cleared it to make sure no one’s waiting. I’ll remain here to make sure they don’t think you’ve left until you’re well clear.”

Kyle’s brows drew together into a deep frown. “With respect, I don’t like that idea, sir.”

“Nothing you haven’t done for me.”

“But sir—”

“No buts.” Andersen sounded stern, which wasn’t a tone Kate often associated with him. “You have bigger responsibilities than just your work now. And I’ll be just fine.”

Kyle wanted to argue— Kate could see it. But instead, he nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Without another word, the door swung a little farther open— just far enough that Kate could see Andersen waiting there. His eyes were alert and he held a weapon at the ready. “Kate, you first,” he said quietly. “Move as quickly as you can without drawing attention. Kyle, stay on her heels.”

While Kate generally preferred to ignore or at least bicker with authority figures, she could tell this wasn’t the time for it. So, keeping her mouth shut, she crawled over to the door, sliding through the half open gap without another word.

As she scrambled away from it, leaving Kyle room to follow, Andersen helped her to her feet. “There’s a car out back with an agent I trust driving it,” he told them. “Get straight in and tell him to go. Don’t stop for anything. When you’ve made it clear, message me and I’ll meet you back at the office.”

“Understood,” Kyle said as Kate moved to one of the nearest cupboards and pulled it open. Inside were stashed two backpacks— emergency bags in case of a situation exactly like this one. Whatever else she and Kyle might have disagreed on, they were both in favor of being prepared. Especially while being hunted by dangerous criminals.

Slinging hers over her shoulder, she passed Kyle his as he got to his feet. “Should we go back for your phone?” she asked, but he shook his head.

“I have a burner in here. And we don’t have time to waste.” He paused, glancing at Andersen. “Sir…”

“Stop looking at me as if you’ll never see me again,” Andersen said. “I told you, I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ve no intention of letting a two-bit sniper be the one to do me in.”

“Yes, sir.” Kyle only looked marginally reassured. But that didn’t stop him from taking Kate’s hand and leading her towards the back door.

She let him take the lead on the way out, checking to make sure there was no one waiting for them other than the gray car idling in the alleyway. He was better at it, and truth be told, she was in no position to fight off assailants— physically or mentally. As she slid into the back seat of the car, it was slowly starting to hit her what had just happened.

Kate barely heard Kyle talking to the agent in the front seat, or the sound of the car moving forward. We just almost died. She wasn’t exactly unfamiliar with the sensation. She’d risked her life more times than she could count. So why was it hitting so hard this time?

Maybe it was the fact that she’d nearly been shot, but Kyle had taken the bullet— again. Maybe it was the fact that Andersen had volunteered to stay behind and risk his life for the two of them, without prompting. Or maybe it was the fact that it hadn’t just been her who was at risk.

I could have lost the baby. A shudder of fear and panic went through her, and suddenly she couldn’t stop shaking.

“Kate?” Kyle’s concerned voice cut through the haze, and she managed to glance up to where he was frowning at her, with the little furrows between his eyebrows that meant he was worried, not upset. “Are you okay?”

Don’t lose it. Not here, not now. Kate opened her mouth to say she was fine, that nothing was wrong, to make some kind of sarcastic comment like she always did. Instead, to her horror and embarrassment, she burst into tears.

For a moment, it was just her sobbing and trying desperately not to look at him. And then Kyle put his arms around her in such an unpretentious and kind way that all Kate could really do was bury her face in his shirt and cry.

It should have been strange. It was Chambers, for crying out loud. But these days, that meant something very different than it used to. So she just cried into his shirt while he rubbed her back gently, not saying anything.

Finally— she wasn’t sure how long it was— her sobs dwindled to the last few tears, and Kate realized that she had more than a few reasons to be embarrassed. She’d cried all over Chambers with no explanation, and while he’d handled it well enough… I have two choices. Just never move again, or move right now and never make eye contact with him again.

Before she could decide which, Kyle spoke. “Feeling better?” he asked quietly.

“A bit,” Kate mumbled, not lifting her head. She thought avoiding eye contact might be her best move for now. “I— I’m sorry, I don’t know why— usually I’m fine. It wasn’t that big of a deal, I’m just—”

“Pregnant?” Kyle suggested with a hint of amusement that Kate did not appreciate. Pulling away from him, she opened her mouth to tell him exactly what she thought— and then saw the sympathy in his eyes outweighed the humor.

“You know most normal people would have freaked out even earlier than that,” he pointed out. “You’re allowed to be scared.”

“I’m not scared,” Kate snapped, knowing she sounded foolish, that he wouldn’t believe her. Because it was a lie, really. She just hated that it wasn’t.

Kyle didn’t respond right away, and for a moment the two of them sat in silence, Kate wiping away the last of her tears. As she took a deep breath, steadying herself a little, Kyle said, “When my mom had my half sisters, she cried almost every day. Over the littlest things. And she’s one of the strongest people I know.”

Shooting a glance at him, Kate saw him watching her steadily. “Crying doesn’t make you weak, any more than fear does.”

“I said I wasn’t afraid,” Kate insisted.

“I was.”

Kate stared at him, taken aback. “You— is this some kind of reverse psychology to convince me to admit I’m afraid?”

“It’s to show you there’s nothing wrong with being afraid when you’re being shot at,” Kyle said with a hint of exasperation. “Or any time, for that matter. It doesn’t make you a coward, or weak, or whatever it is you think it makes you. All it makes you is human.”

For a moment, Kate didn’t speak. Then, tentatively, she ventured, “You didn’t seem scared.”

“Because I’m used to being shot at,” Kyle said tiredly. “That’s part of life for me, and I’ve learned to shut down the panicked side of it and focus on the solution. But also… I’ve never been in that situation when I had to protect you, and…”

“Our baby,” Kate murmured. It felt strange to say it, but it was true. Mostly.

“Yeah. It terrified me. If Andersen hadn’t shown up, I… I’m not sure what I would have done. Everything I could have to get you out of there, I guess.”

His expression was somber, but filled with a steady resolve. Huh. Not what I expected. Though this man rarely was. Kate opened her mouth to respond, but the agent in the front seat spoke first.

“Agent Chambers? We’ve left the radius Agent Andersen dictated. You can message him at any time.”

Nodding his thanks, Kyle dug through his backpack until he found the burner phone. As he focused on keying in the message, Kate said quietly, “Thank you.”

He looked up briefly, surprise crossing his face as he said, “You’re welcome.”

#thanks for the ask!!#OH BOY THIS GOT LONG #halloween #trick or treat #kyvis #kate davis #kyle chambers #martin andersen #my ocs #LISTEN I'M SORRY ABOUT THE FIRST BASE JOKE I KNOW IT'S BAD IT MADE ME LAUGH AT THE TIME THOUGH AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE IT #(i low key stand by it though. don't judge me too hard)#writing stories is a kind of magic too

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