#MY time to inflict you sad damage

[pokimoko]

Listening to instrumentals from the silly doo-wee-ooo show is actually something that can be so painful.

[karlatakicker]

RUIN SPOILERS!!

i’m very attached to roxanne, and after the dlc i am very attached to cassie too! so here’s my thoughts on the both of them and why their relationship is just so unbelievably special to me

1. it’s implied that they both don’t really have any friends, as sad as it is. Roxanne says to Cassie in their conversation that she thinks that her friends will come to her party this time, which obviously means Cassie’s friends are either nonexistent or aren’t very nice. it’s also implied that Roxanne is disliked by the other children in the pizzaplex because of her desire to win and lack of empathy thus unawareness that children are upset by the idea of losing. so, the idea of them both becoming friends and acknowledging each-other is truly special if they have nobody else.

2. Roxanne’s desire to win on her race track is overridden by her kindness and feelings towards Cassie. in their conversation Roxanne remembers Cassie because she beat her twice on the track, which leads to Roxanne almost sounding proud despite being beaten which she usually expresses anger for. (I’ve been told this doesn’t mean what I think, Number 1 twice refers to Cassie’s birthday, but you can argue that it still shows something between them by the fact Roxanne is willing to say Cassie is Number 1, despite Roxanne constantly wanting to be Number 1.)

3. Cassie’s clear empathy towards Roxanne as her favourite - she pities and feels for Roxanne when she’s crying in the salon. despite seeing the horrid conditions that all the other animatronics are in, Roxanne as Cassie’s favourite is the only one she truly feels for.

4. Roxanne’s infatuation with herself does not inflict with her remembering details about Cassie. Roxy asking about and sharing Cassie’s love of carrot cake (and remembering her birthday) shows an attachment that Roxanne seems to have with no-one else, as thinking of herself does not conflict with thinking of Cassie.

5. in the cutouts of Cassie and Roxanne standing side by side, they’re mirrored. Cassie has similar makeup on to Roxy, and is holding her mirror the exact same way. Cassie wants to be exactly like Roxanne, to the point of copying her actions and being dolled up like her. these images of the two of them are simply to establish a connection between them, so it hurts a lot more when it comes down to de-activating Roxanne.

6. Roxanne, despite being so angered at the idea of not being pretty and being so damaged, has no hesitation in jumping to save Cassie despite possibly getting more damaged or even being completely broken because of it.

7. the line “it has been some time since i saw you last” can be interpreted as Roxanne had thought of Cassie since the last time she had been to the pizzaplex. it makes their reunion all that more heartbreaking because when Roxanne meets her again, it’s for Cassie to deactivate her.

8. Roxanne asking if Cassie had booked her party yet, is essentially Roxy asking if Cassie was going to come back and see her - Cassie, the only kid that Roxy is shown to have a connection with.

9. Cassie stroking Roxanne’s fingers before deactivating her, as if to give her the last comfort she’ll ever feel.

anyway that ends my rant. they’re just so special to me despite them having like 3 interactions. they are the true little sister/big sister animatronic and human pairing we needed. if I don’t get an ending where they’re sitting on the hill eating carrot cake, the developers are going to get a very strongly worded email.

(just to clarify months on from this post, the developers have received a very strongly worded email.)

[itsnotgray]

gray’s fic recs

my tagging/recommendation system is a mess beyond the point of fixing, so i made a masterlist. (i’ll slowly be adding fics to this!)

- an asterisk is next to players who play for the ahl team of said nhl team

- if works focused on more than one person, they’re listed under the other people, but only tagged in the first one you see in the list.

- also, apologies if the links don’t work correctly, it is in fact my first time making a masterlist

NHL/AHL

Anaheim Ducks

Jamie Drysdale

hey roomie by @emaanemaa

- trevor and jamie threesome. that's right, that's all it took to get you to go read it.

Trevor Zegras

chameleon by @hischierhaze

- listen- if you're someone who, whether it be consciously or unconsciously, changes themselves and their personality for those around them, or you have a history of it- please read this. I promise you, you won't regret it.

now that we don't talk by @sc0tters

- it's a toxic relationship with trevor, of course I'm gonna eat it up (she might end with trevor... or she might not. you'll never know if you don't read it.)

hey roomie by @ emaanemaa (fic linked above under jamie)

the penalty box series by @starsandhughes

I- if you're not already keeping up with this series... where have you been? every update is laugh out loud hilarious, and leaves you itching for more.

cruel weather- apart of the penalty box series by @starsandhughes

cruel weather gets it's own link because of the amount of emotional damage this inflicted upon me.

Arizona Coyotes

Boston Bruins

Buffalo Sabres

Devon Levi

like it very much by @jackhues

there aren’t many devon fics (which there totally should be), but the way i squealed when i read this one. further affirmed the fact that i think he’d be the best bf.

Calgary Flames

Nikita Zadorov

that scar hurt by the way by @swissboyhisch

- listen…. i’m the farthest thing from a flames fan, and can wholeheartedly admit it was an adorable read.

Carolina Hurricanes

Chicago Blackhawks

Colorado Avalanche

Columbus Blue Jackets

Adam Fantilli

to you, my adamo by @hischierhaze

- it's adam's birthday + his debut, can you blame me for crying?

his return by @hischierhaze

-this made me cry. but in making this, i'm convinced anything kei writes with the fantilli brothers makes me want to cry from either just how sickeningly sweet it is, or of course, sadness.

tiny dancer au by @letsgetrowdy43

god when i say sunny and adam have my heart- i mean it. they’re sososo special to me.

Dallas Stars

Wyatt Johnston

our song by @lovinbarzal

hands down one of my favorite wy jo fics/au’s. it’s wyatt x a barzal sister, a pairing i wouldn’t have thought of, but works so well!

Detroit Red Wings

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

Matthew Tkachuk

waking up in vegas by @doc-pickles

- matty t x hughes!sister is a dynamic i didn’t know i needed.

Mackie Samoskevich*

perfect girl by @dmercer91

- this had me feeling things like no other... a big hint as to why? she's shared.

Los Angeles Kings

Alex Turcotte*

who does it better? by @harry-hollands

one of the cutest social media au’s in a while (technically has two parts, but they don’t have to be read together)

Minnesota Wild

Montreal Canadiens

Kirby Dach

here with you by @sc0tters

- it's amber's writing + kirby, what's not to love? (if that's not convincing enough, maybe the line, "I will follow you to the ends of the earth," is.)

Nashville Predators

New Jersey Devils

Jack Hughes

timeless by @babydollmarauders

- if I hadn't originally read this in the middle of the grocery store, I can almost guarantee that I would've cried from just how heartwarmingly adorable this is.

out by @babydollmarauders

- equipment manager x jacky boy- aka a trope I never knew I needed, but now crave after reading this.

ballad of a homeschooled girl by @babydollmarauders

- hands down one of the best pics I've probably ever read in terms of conveying emotion. my stomach was in knots the entire time, attesting to just how realistic the writing is.

never grow up by @aliaology

- i'm sorry but you're not human if you don't get even the tiniest bit emotional at any fic with "never grow up" as the song. BUT A FIC WITH THE BROTHERS? this rendered me emotionally unavailable for a solid 20 minutes.

medía management au by @babydollmarauders

the media management au is an ongoing series staring mr jack hughes and his lovely girl, dove! the updates always bring a a smile to my face, and more than likely make me laugh out loud.

4:41 am by @sweetestdesire

listen, as much as i adore brynn’s smut like no other, her fluffy, soft and sweet fics just do something to me. she writes them so detailed, and consistently has me craving for soft moments with a significant other (a significant other i do not have)

John Marino

stay for a while by @sc0tters

- when i talk about made me feel things, i mean it. amber never fails in writing panty-dropping smut, while also having an thought-out plot.

Luke Hughes

welcome back by @leaentries

- this literally made me swoon. a protective lukey- what's not to love?

nobody's love by @eyesthatroll

- my heart was in my throat while reading, and my emotions were all over the place. regardless of how emotional it left me, it was amazing and deserves all the love.

never grow up by @ aliaology (fic linked under jack)

- older hughes sister watches her brothers grow up + never grow up = tears

summer aches by @starry-hughes

- this fic makes me want a luke to take care of me when i get headaches, triggered by heat or not

what’s not to like? by @starry-hughes

- queen ellen and jimmy are a little apprehensive of you…

jack’s best friend by @lvrzegras

okay listen- any of the brothers x their best friends is great, but jack’s best friend x luke… it just hits different, yk?

Nico Hischier

I never could've seen you coming (I think you're everything I could've ever wanted) by @writingonleaves

- this is probably as close to a literary masterpiece as a fanfic posted on tumblr will ever get

will you take a moment? promise me this (that you'll stand by me forever) by @writingonleaves

- listen- it's apart of the universe she began in the fic above. I have the fic linked under nico (because the oc eventually ends up in a relationship with nico, as seen in the part above), but this is sososo found family heavy. if found family is your trope, then this is your fic

New York Islanders

Mat Barzal

it's nice to have a friend by @youunravelme

- put me through the emotional wringer in the best way possible.

winnie martin's favorite person by @ilyasorokinn

- god- i cannot even begin to describe how cute this is. all i can say, is that I need more pictures of barzy with kids... for science of course.

New York Rangers

Ottawa Senators

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburgh Penguins

Sidney Crosby

she was the (red) devil by @crosbyscurls

- hockey meets f1 is already a dream combination… but sid x f1? absolutely amazing

San Jose Sharks

Seattle Kraken

St Louis Blues

Tampa Bay Lightning

Toronto Maple Leafs

Vancouver Canucks

Quinn Hughes

these michigan summers by @lukevangelista

i feel like the only way your not aware this series exists, then your new here. because if you haven’t read this, where have you been? this is for sure one of my top three series’ on tumblr, finished or unfinished. will in fact, forever have my heart. (currently unfinished)

the sun to my moon by @ghostfacd

this fic is part of an au! i highly, highly recommend checking it out- quinny + a grumpyxsunshine trope, what’s not to love?

never grow up by @ aliaology (fic linked under jack's name)

- older hughes sister watches her brothers grow up + never grow up = tears

Vegas Golden Knights

Washington Capitals

Dylan Strome

it's never too late to come back to my side by @lukevangelista (a series)

- one of my recent favorites. particularly geared towards those who think back on old friendships (...and constantly overthink on whether you should reach out. spoilers- it's never too late)

Winnipeg Jets

NCAA

University of Michigan

Luca Fantilli

missing you, quietly by @bitchinbarzal

- emotional torture in the best way possible. i re-read a concerning amount

i lost him by @hischierhaze

- made me cry- but in a good way

baby 101- name reveal by @hischierhaze

- it's dad!luca... yeah that's right, now that you have that cute thought in your head, you kinda have to go and read it

I tell you that I think im falling back in love with you by @writingonleaves

- this fic is sososo special to me for so many reasons- and I think you should totally read this fic to figure them out... just saying

opposites attract au by @dmercer91

this is a link to the head anons for the au- but please go read this sweet au. luca and landen are one of the sweetest pairings.

Nick Moldenhauer

sundays are for textiles by @drewsbuzzcut

- super cute read, and it's apart of an even cuter au

all american lace by @drewsbuzzcut

- also apart of that super cute nick au she has- but this part was not so cutesy (it was at the end). had me on the edge of my seat, and tears building in my eyes. the type of angst you physically feel- but with the type of ending that makes up for it (trust me, it does!)

Mark Estapa

icy roads by @nicohischierz

the simplest explanation i can offer is that this broke my heart- but i loved it anyway!

Boston College

Gabe Perreault

princess!gf x gabe perreault by @yankstrash

- these two are on my mind at least three times a week. i aspire to become amelia- aka find someone who is as down bad for me as gabe is for “his meels”

[themeraldee]

Sometimes I get sad because I feel like people always forget the best part of homelander….

His uncontrolled lasers when he….arrives!!!

Hahahah, I assume it's not an everytime thing and more of a 'all my thoughts and emotions are swirling and I'm kinda losing control' thing. However I am also guilty of not mentioning it. For some reason I don't mention a particular quirk of his until I've already explored it in a stand-alone fic. This is definitely one of them! It's a weird approach I guess but I guess it gives me time to explore one thing at a time.

For example I rareeeely have him undressed in fics because I have a fic planned for that topic specifically. Sorry off topic really!

But yeah I can't imagine how freaked out one would get. All that pleasure and release, all soft and relaxed just to get the immediate worry and anxiety in your gut, freaking out to see his eyes blaze red. I'd be asking for an orgasm refund, demanding a do-over lmao.

Like warn a girl y'know?

You know what, I want more of his powers to misbehave when he climaxes. He should be unconsciously hovering above the bed with you on top. His senses going super crazy or super subdued so he's totally in his own head. Ripping the sheets in half or something. I love when he loses his meticulous control and breaks things (as long as it's not bones) it's just such a fun visual of what damage he could easily inflict.

[buddhamethods]

10 BL Characters I Would Hit With My Car

(I don't have a licence and can't drive so this is just for fun OBVIOUSLY)

LISTEN, I love these characters. They are complex, they are human, they are flawed and yet you can't help but root for them. Or they are just giant assholes.

Regadless, I think they would all benefit from getting hit by a car as a little treat.

Feel free to tag yourselves and participate in a bit of lighthearted negativity and media complaining.

1) Ben From Never Let Me Go (2022)

Of course he would be on this list. Mainly because how are you, a closeted gay in a coming of age bl drama, sitting down in front of a piano next to a beautiful boy and not just completely eat his face in a passionate life altering kiss? I understand that was the whole point of the scene, but personally I would rise above the narrative that was trapping me.

2) Dan from Not Me (2021)

Being a cop, killing Sean's father and selling NFTs is bad enough on it's own, I agree. But Dan's biggest sin was taking the cigarette out of Yok's mouth and depriving us of seeing sad First Kanaphan smoking near a body of water-THE queer cinema experience.

As it turns out, you can be gay and homophobic at the same time.

3) Kenji from My Dear Gangster Oppa (2023)

So you have funky hair and kawnty fashion sense? Oh, you partake in fun bathtub threesomes? What, you're a little unhinged and psychotic? Perfect! THEN WHY THE HELL YOU SUCK AT BEING A VILLAIN SO HARD HUH???

Kenji you better put your helmet on, I'm turning on the engine.

4) Kanghan from Dangerous Romance (2023)

Rich people don't deserve rights in general so Kang was already on thin ice to begin with. But being a bully on top of that? UNDER THE HOOD OF THE CAR YOU GO!

Also he is so attention starved on account of his father being a negligent asshole that he will jump in front of my car willingly just to get a drop of love from dad and Sailom.

5) Yu Xi Gu from HIStory3: Make Our Days Count (2019)

(I'm so so incredibly sorry but I HAD to okay you don't underst- *gets shot immediately*)

6) Mork from Fish Upon The Sky (2021)

I looked at Pond for 0.1 second and fell so embarrasingly in love that for the entirety of FUTS I saw no flaws in Mork's character at all. All he did made sense and I was blissfuly having a great time! So I'm pummeling him to the ground for my own sake I CAN'T KEEP BEING THIS STUPID ABOUT HIM HE IS OBJECTIVELY CREEPY!

7) Vee from Love Mechanics (2022)

Was he in my "I want them carnally" list? Yes. Do I find him beautiful and incredible? Double yes. Am I smearing him on asphalt like a squished bug for causing Mark so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak? More likely than you think.

8) Jiwoo from To My Star/ To My Star 2 (2021-22)

MY BEAUTIFUL BOY!! A crumb of healthy communication is all I'm asking for!

Jiwoo was so emotionally bricked up for the majority of both seasons that it caused ME damage. So me hitting him with my car is both a revenge plot and an attempt to let loose some of those pent up feelings of his.

(But also I'm dead meat if Seojoon finds out it was me behind the wheel. He loves that boy too much.)

9) Zee from Twins (2023-24)

I'm volunteering to do this as public service to keep Sprite and First together without any twins switch drama. One gremlin down, one successful volleyball couple UP!!

10) Winner from Pit Babe (2023-24)

I want to do it as an experiment. I feel like he would make a funny sound under the wheels, like when you sqeeze clown's nose or step on a rubber duck. I would also like to see how this will affect his character. Will he become even more annoying? Will it fix him completely? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!

(This was so fun I love inflicting imaginary violence on fictional men. If you read this far into this incoherent insanity, consider yourself tagged!💖)

[rainforestakiie]

omega lucifer x omega adam part 04~

ohhhh.

i'm so happy! so many of you love this au! @inubaki thank you so much for the fanart! i saw it! it is so perfect! i can not thank you enough! ahhh!

next part of my omega au! the apple of knowledge! i can't wait until i get to the fall and our omega couple ending up in hell! it won't be the way you all are probably expecting!

Nest of the Damned (Omegaverse Omega/Omega) Part 01. Part 02. Part 03. Part 04. Part 05. Extra 01.

Full Version

Lucifer lay on his side, his gaze tender and unwavering as he watched Adam’s peaceful slumber. His sapphire eyes followed every delicate rise and fall of Adam’s chest, capturing the gentle twitch of his nose and the way his lips curled into an enchanting smile even in the depths of sleep. Each soft, rumbling purr that escaped Adam was a subtle reminder of his Omega essence, a fleeting whisper of a past that seemed so distant now.

Adam’s scent, once unmistakably Omega, had faded to a mere echo. The rich, intoxicating fragrance that once marked him as an Omega was gone, leaving Lucifer to wonder if he could still discern it, if he could still reach out to the essence of his beloved. The loss was a piercing wound in Lucifer’s heart, a constant reminder of his own failings.

He cursed himself for not anticipating Lilith’s cruel hand, for failing to shield Adam from the torment that had scarred him so deeply. Lucifer felt the weight of his inadequacy as a lover, as a mate. He had allowed Adam to suffer, helpless to undo the damage inflicted by Lilith’s wrath. The thought that Lilith’s cruelty was a consequence of Lucifer’s own shortcomings cut him to the core.

With a tenderness born of remorse, Lucifer traced his fingers along the velvety curve of Adam’s cheek, his touch a whisper against the tender skin. His fingers drifted to the back of Adam’s throat, where the faint, jagged mark of his torment lingered. The moment Lucifer’s touch met the scar, Adam stirred, a soft whimper escaping his lips as he trembled in his sleep. He rolled over, exposing the scar with a vulnerable grace, a silent confession of his hidden pain.

Adam had always loathed the scar, deeming it ugly despite never having seen it himself. Lucifer had reassured him countless times, insisting that it was not a blemish but a testament to his strength. Yet, despite the Archangel’s fervent declarations, Adam’s self-doubt remained unshaken, leaving Lucifer to grapple with a deeper sadness.

Drawing closer, Lucifer pressed a feather-light kiss to the scar, his lips brushing over the healed skin with reverent tenderness. Even though Adam’s Omega glands had healed, leaving no trace of their former softness, the gentle kiss caused him to gasp in his sleep. Lucifer nestled his face into the back of Adam’s neck, inhaling deeply, determined to infuse the space with his own scent. If Adam could no longer share his fragrance, then Lucifer would envelop them both with his own, creating a sanctuary of shared essence and undying devotion.

There had to be something he could do to help Adam, to ease his suffering. Adam had already lost so much because of him. Determined to make things right, Lucifer sighed softly and pressed himself firmly against Adam’s back. His arms slid under Adam’s, curling up to hold his shoulders, and he began to plant tender kisses along his neck and shoulders.

“I’m going to figure it out,” he vowed softly. “I’m going to find a way to fix this, to undo what she did to you. I promise, Adam.”

Adam hummed in his sleep, stirring only slightly as Lucifer began to rise. The Archangel’s soft, feathered left wing slipped out from beneath his beautiful Omega mate.

“Luci?” Adam mumbled, barely awake.

Lucifer cradled Adam’s cheek, laying him back down lovingly. “I’ll be back soon, I promise. Just rest, okay?”

Adam’s eyes drooped sleepily, his nose twitching as he began to curl up again, shivering without Lucifer’s warmth. In the next moment, Adam reached up for a kiss, which Lucifer gave without hesitation.

“Where are you going?” Adam asked, nuzzling into the comfort of their nest. “Don’t be gone too long. I’ll miss you.”

Brushing Adam’s thick brown and red hair out of his face, Lucifer leaned down to kiss him once more. “Don’t worry about that. I won’t be gone for long, I promise. I’ll be back before you know it.”

A contented hum escaped Adam as he drifted back to sleep, his breathing becoming shallow and even. Lucifer sat back on his ankles, watching as Adam fell deeper into slumber. With a soft sigh, he retrieved his discarded robes from the previous night of passion. He hurriedly pulled on his robes, but paused as he reached the second layer, holding it between his fingers and glancing back at Adam.

Humans were created to bear everything completely naked, the opposite of Angels who wore layers upon layers of white robes. Lucifer, himself, was certainly overdressed. His robes consisted of more than just one layer; he had at least four. A pang of jealousy twisted in his stomach. He didn’t want Adam walking around like that, letting others see him so exposed. Granted, Adam was much too innocent and naive to know any better. 

With a shrug, Lucifer fluttered his final robe out and laid it over Adam. He beamed with pride as Adam smiled widely in his sleep, snuggling into the robe and practically cocooning himself in it.

“When I come back, I’ll teach you how to wear it,” he promised, kissing Adam’s cheek gently.

Inhaling deeply, Lucifer left their cozy nest hidden beneath the cascading purple wisteria. The sudden brightness of the outside world made his eyes throb, and he squinted until they adjusted. He felt a pang of doubt, wondering if he was being foolish and desperate. But what choice did he have? Banished from Heaven, thanks to Michael's arrogance, Lucifer had no other options.

Maybe, just maybe, if he could still visit Heaven, he might have found a way to heal Adam completely. But that door was closed to him, leaving him with only one recourse. Lucifer glanced up at the pastel blue and pink skies, frowning. He knew God, his father, was watching, likely judging him. But what else could he do? Adam had been hurt, a part of him torn away. Lucifer had to try every possible means to make things right for his beloved human.

Spreading his six wings, Lucifer inhaled the sweet air of Eden and kicked off the ground. He soared effortlessly into the sky, his wings stretching wide as he glided through the air. He knew exactly where he was going. Lucifer knew Eden like the back of his hand, better than any of his siblings. He was intimately familiar with all of Eden's secrets, the hidden places that should remain undisturbed. He knew where to find Eden's deepest and darkest secret.

Perhaps he truly was the serpent he had been called, but he would gladly embrace that title if it ensured Adam’s safety and happiness. Anything for his adorable Omega mate.

Lucifer found what he was searching for within seconds. He landed delicately before what appeared to be a mere stick of a tree. It wasn’t a tree at all, barely reaching his waist. He scoffed at it. This was supposed to be one of God’s greatest creations? It looked so unimpressive, so plain. Nothing like the exquisite beauty of Adam. In Lucifer's eyes, Adam would always be God’s greatest and most beautiful creation.

For a moment, Lucifer just stared at the stick, unmoving. His wings were still against his back, and his skin prickled as if thousands of eyes were watching him. His sparkling blue eyes continued to gaze at the golden apple hanging from the stick. It wasn’t very big, barely larger than his hand, but Lucifer didn’t need all of it—just a small bite or two.

It'll be fine. It will be fine.

Lucifer reached out, his fingers trembling as they inched toward the apple of knowledge. God had created it for humans to consume eventually. Why should it matter if Adam ate his earlier?

"Adam's not going to be part of humanity's creation," he hissed to himself, or to the eyes he felt watching him. "Lilith hurt Adam, damaged parts of him. This apple will help him."

He plucked the apple and held it, trembling. Lucifer flinched, ducking his head, expecting thunderous roars, whipping winds, and striking lightning... but nothing happened. The skies remained clear, the sun shining beautifully, and Eden buzzed with life.

Lucifer wheezed softly, his racing heart beginning to calm. He opened his eyes just as a warm summer breeze washed over him. He looked into the shiny surface of the golden apple, seeing his own reflection. He gulped and brought it close, feeling the pulse of pure creation within.

"This will help Adam," he whispered, cupping the apple with both hands. "It has to help Adam. It just has to..."

His wings fluttered open on either side of him. His golden hair fluttered as he began to lift himself into the air once more. Lucifer breathed in softly and turned, flying back toward their nest.

As he flew back toward their purple wisteria, Lucifer's blue eyes drifted down to the forest of Eden passing below. He inhaled sharply, spotting a speck of red moving in the direction of the wisteria. His lips twisted in displeasure. Someone with red hair was venturing into their part of Eden. He watched as they carefully pushed flowers and branches aside, edging alarmingly close to his tree, his nest, where his Omega was slumbering peacefully. Protective anger bristled through his wings, and within seconds, his mind was made up.

Lucifer descended, landing a good distance before the person but close enough to be seen. His eyes narrowed into a harsh glare, wings flaring out threateningly to ward them off. With one look, Lucifer recognized the intruder and knew he didn’t want her anywhere near Adam or himself.

"Leave," he growled, releasing a strong scent of aggression that made the woman stumble back. "You're not allowed in this area. It's forbidden to the likes of you."

Her soft amber eyes widened in surprise. The woman, with long curls of red, frowned. She was smothered in freckles, just as Adam had described. "Who... who are you?"

"It doesn't matter who I am. Just leave, turn around, and go back the way you came," he bared his teeth and flapped his wings when the woman took a daring step closer. It was like she was testing his boundaries, and he did not like it.

"But I don't want to," she chimed, her voice like silk. "I'm looking for somebody. I was so sure I saw him go this direction..."

Lucifer's eyes narrowed further, his whole body bristling. He immediately understood who she was looking for, and his protective side flared.

"No, you're not going anywhere near my mate," he snapped harshly, perhaps too harshly, but he didn’t care. He wouldn’t even entertain the notion.

The woman stared at him for a few seconds. Her amber eyes fluttered half-lidded as she sniffed the air, finally smelling Lucifer's Omega scent. "You're an Omega? But... Lilith said Omegas aren't supposed to mate."

"Lilith says a lot of things," Lucifer grumbled deeply. "You shouldn't believe everything she says."

"A-Are you Lucifer then?" she asked suddenly. The female Omega tilted her head, her face practically sparkling with sweetness. Her red curls were lovely; if Lucifer weren’t so madly in love with Adam, he might have wanted to touch them. "Lilith has spoken a lot about you too. She said you were her Omega Angel but were manipulated and taken away by a rotten Omega."

Rotten?! Lilith called his Adam rotten?!

"He's not rotten, nor am I hers!" Lucifer bellowed. "He's my mate, and I love him more than anything! I don't want her or you, for that matter, anywhere near him! He's not well, and I know you will only make it worse!"

A soft gasp escaped the red-haired Omega. "He's sick? What happened to him?"

"Why don't you ask your wonderful Alpha," Lucifer spat. "I'm being nice because you don't know any better. I'll let it slide this time, but if you ever enter my domain again, I will attack you."

"But how will I talk to you and the male Omega?" she said without missing a beat.

Lucifer scoffed. "You don't! Duh!"

A pout appeared on her face. "But I want to talk to you both. You're Omegas too. I want to talk to other Omegas. Please? I'm named Eve. We could be friends."

"No, we can't," Lucifer said sternly. Once, he might have had a soft spot for this clueless Omega, might even have tried to help her. But he wasn’t the same as before. Adam had been hurt because he was too soft, because he didn’t think Lilith would really harm him. Never again. He would never let anyone close to Adam.

"We can never be friends," he snarled, twisting his body and raising a delicate hand. He straightened his fingers and moved his hand above his head. "You will stay away from this area. You will never approach myself or my mate ever again, or I will attack you. I will do anything to keep my mate safe and happy. I won't let you jeopardise everything we've worked so hard to build."

Eve's eyes saddened, and she raised her hands helplessly. "Wait, please."

But Lucifer flung his hand, releasing a strong wave of magic. Not enough to bring real harm to the new Omega, but enough to push her back and away from his domain. He scoffed as he stared at the spot where Eve had been. Honestly, how stupid could someone be to approach a nest? It was extremely dangerous and daring of her to do so.

"Stupid girl," he muttered and twisted around. His wings stretched out, ready to take him back to the tree. Not before pulling at his robes to check the apple—it was still there. Good.

Lucifer returned to the majestic tree that sheltered his and Adam's cozy nest, his eyes cast down in deep contemplation. He needed to devise a way to persuade Adam to eat the apple. If Adam knew it was the fruit of knowledge, he would never willingly partake. Adam was a stickler for rules, having mated with Lucifer only because God had granted him permission. Adam was allowed to be with anyone who brought him happiness, anyone he loved. Lucifer was profoundly grateful for God's blessing on their love.

Adam claimed that God spoke to him, and no one doubted his sincerity. Lucifer knew it was true. It was highly likely that God had already commanded Adam not to consume the apple, and Lucifer knew Adam would never defy God. But Lucifer was willing to play the villain if it meant ensuring Adam's happiness. He would do anything for Adam, even if Adam didn't realize it at the moment; eventually, he would.

"Luci!" Adam cooed when the Archangel ducked under the flowers to reenter their nest. Adam's face lit up with joy the moment he saw Lucifer. "Lucifer! You're back! I missed you so much!"

Lucifer couldn't help but grin, especially as Adam's slender arms stretched up in a clear sign of 'hug me!' which he could not ignore. Lucifer immediately fell to his knees, his gentle hands wrapping around his sweet Omega, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" he teased, nuzzling his face into Adam's neck and sighing contentedly when Adam released a soft purr.

Adam pressed loving butterfly kisses along Lucifer's neck and jaw. "I woke up and saw you weren't back yet."

"I'm back now," Lucifer fluttered his elegant wings in delight. "Sorry I left you alone for so long."

"I'll forgive you on one condition," Adam said with flushed cheeks.

Smugness twirled through Lucifer. He leaned in closer, his hands sweetly cupping Adam's cheeks. He delicately began to draw Adam in close. "Oh, and what would that condition be?"

"One kiss, please," Adam whispered shyly.

"Since you asked so kindly." Lucifer pressed his lips to the human's, both of them melting into the kiss. "Am I forgiven now?"

Grinning, Adam pecked him on the lips again. "Maybe. I'll let you know."

A laugh escaped Lucifer as he shifted to get more comfortable. He noticed more flowers woven into their nest, evidence that Adam had slipped out to gather them. He eyed Adam with a crooked smile. "Didn't we agree you wouldn't go out of our nest without me?"

"Oh, you're overthinking again," Adam hummed adorably.

He turned around to pull at the soft white robe Lucifer had left with him. He curled it around himself with a giggle, running his fingers across it. It was so soft and snuggly. Adam was sure it was saturated with Lucifer's comforting scent, and it was so disappointing he couldn't smell it... but he refused to dwell on that.

"I'm not overthinking," Lucifer said softly, crawling after his adorable mate. His smile grew more loving as he watched Adam bundle himself in the robe. "You were hurt the last time you went out without me. I don't want that to happen again."

"I know, I know, but I'm safe. I'm okay. Not even a scratch," Adam chimed cheerfully but that wasn’t the point. 

Lucifer knew Adam just didn’t understand. He gently took hold of Adam’s hands and squeezed them warmly. “Please, Adam. Just promise me. You won’t do that again; you’ll wait for me if I’m not here.”

His sweet, adorable mate released a deep sigh, his emerald eyes lowering in thought before he finally shrugged. Adam leaned forward and pecked him again. “Alright, alright, if that makes you feel better. I’ll wait for you.”

“It will. It will make me feel better. I’m continuously worried for you, and this will help me stay calm,” Lucifer said, returning the kiss with just as much affection and love. “I can’t bear you being hurt again.”

Adam hummed and nodded. “Okay, I’ll wait for you. I promise.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Lucifer pressed his forehead to Adam’s, inhaling deeply, wishing with all his heart he could smell Adam’s Omega scent. He missed it so much. Lucifer’s hands caressed Adam’s warm skin, pressing butterfly kisses along Adam’s throat, making him whimper.

“Adam…” he began carefully and delicately. Lucifer chewed his bottom lip as his wings began to gently wrap around the two of them. His hands carefully took Adam by the shoulders, pushing him back an inch. “I… there was a reason why I left. I went somewhere to retrieve something for you.”

Adam’s green eyes brightened, and he gasped. “You got me something? What is it? Luci, you don’t have to keep getting me gifts.”

“I like getting you gifts.” Lucifer smiled softly, kissing the tip of Adam’s nose. “But this gift is a little different. It’s… going to be more intense.”

Blinking in curiosity, Adam eagerly shuffled. “What is it, Luci?”

The Archangel tensed up worriedly. His hands became sweaty and twitchy. He waited a few seconds, staring back into Adam’s beautiful green eyes. Finally, after a few moments, Lucifer straightened himself and plucked the golden apple from his robes. His arm shook as he held the apple before Adam.

Adam stared at the apple, different emotions flickering across his face as his green eyes zoned in on it. His nose twitched, flaring slightly. Ever so slowly, Adam crawled backward.

“I-Is that – is that – L-Lucifer, you didn’t…” Adam struggled to speak, his beautiful face growing pale.

In a panic, Lucifer quickly followed him. He crawled forward on his knees, holding the apple close to himself. “Adam, Adam, please calm down! It’s not – it’s not like that, you don’t understand!”

“N-Not like what?” Adam whimpered, biting down on his bottom lip harshly. “That- That’s…”

Adam paused and gulped thickly. He rubbed his arms and glanced away from Lucifer’s intense gaze. He then spoke, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Is that the apple? T-The apple God told me to never eat?”

“I’m sure he didn’t say you could never eat it,” Lucifer lamely said. “The apple was created for you.”

Green eyes returning to Lucifer, Adam gave him a less-than-amused look. “You know what I mean. I was told I’m not allowed to eat it yet. I-I can’t eat it. I could – I could get into trouble! God said I wasn’t allowed to!”

“I’ll protect you!” Lucifer gasped out desperately. “Adam, I plucked it for you. I went to retrieve it for you.”

Shaking his head slowly, Adam’s shoulders slouched. “Why? I don’t need it.”

“You do,” Lucifer stressed, tightening his fingers around the apple. He glared down at it and shook it. “You do need it. It could help you, Adam. Don’t you see? It could undo what Lilith did to you. It could give you your glands back.”

Adam’s expression scrunched up in thought. His hand raised to touch the back of his neck, his emerald eyes nervously glancing around the nest. Anywhere but Lucifer and the apple. “N-No… it… my glands are gone… t-they’re never coming back…”

Placing a hand gently on Adam’s cheek, Lucifer sweetly turned his face back so the two were looking into each other’s eyes again. Lucifer caressed the cheek as tenderly as possible. “But they don’t have to be. Adam, don’t you see? The apple could restore you. It could give you back everything you lost. Your glands are one thing, but don’t you remember? How good was it?”

Adam trembled from the words, his breath hitching as Lucifer lowered his voice more, a soft rumble coming from the Angel’s chest.

“Don’t you remember? How we used to scent each other? Do you remember how nice it was to smell our pheromones?” Lucifer whispered purposefully. He knew he was being manipulative, using that serpent-like charm he had in him, but Lucifer had no other choice. “Don’t you miss being able to feel our connection? That pulse between us? Don’t you love me?”

Staring, Adam processed Lucifer’s words. “I-I… miss it. So much. So very much, Luci. I miss being able to feel your pheromones, I miss being able to smell you, I miss feeling our scents mingling. I love you so much, Lucifer.”

“You’ll eat the apple for me, won’t you?” Lucifer kissed him sweetly. “For me? You’ll show me how much you love me, won’t you?”

With stardust hands, Lucifer gently lifted the golden apple to Adam's mouth, his blue eyes twinkling with pure love and encouragement. "Please, Adam," he urged softly.

Breathing deeply, Adam stared down at the apple. With a gulp, he lowered his head, his lips parting as he bit into the golden fruit. His teeth scraped through the flesh, taking a mouthful. His whole body trembled as he began to chew, the sickly-sweet juice running partly down his throat while the rest dribbled over his chin. Adam's emerald eyes watered, his heart pounding as he willed himself to taste the apple.

Automatically, Lucifer leaned forward and licked the juices from Adam's chin. His soft tongue slid over Adam's chin before kissing his lips. Lucifer pushed his tongue into Adam's mouth, scooping half of the apple into his own mouth so they were sharing the bite. The two gazed at one another as they swallowed the remains of the apple together. Lucifer wiped the tears from Adam's cheeks and pulled him into a tight hug, his fluffy wings tightening around them like a pure cocoon.

Lucifer waited, his head tilted as he listened for any sign from outside their nest, outside the tree. He waited and listened for his siblings, for the angels to come down from Heaven to punish him further for tainting the first human. Lucifer held his breath, anticipating God's thunderous rage.

He had just gone out of his way to trick Adam into eating the apple. He had defied God himself, fully and without a second thought. He deserved to be punished for it. It was better to ask for forgiveness afterward, he guessed.

...nothing happened.

There were no angels splitting the sky open, no angry or thunderous winds. Just a warm summer breeze that rustled the wall of purple blossoms. Lucifer raised a single wing to peer through it, squinting in the sunlight.

Lucifer stared and stared, waiting and waiting. But nothing happened at all. While he didn't hear his father's disappointed voice, he also didn't see his father's rage. There was absolutely nothing.

"I didn't taint humanity," something in his mind clicked, and Lucifer blinked again. His arms held onto Adam tighter as clarity dawned on him. Suddenly, he could see things he hadn't before, things he had never considered.

Adam wasn't the 'Mother of Humanity' anymore. Adam wasn't the Omega of the Human Race anymore. He was Lucifer's Omega, his mate, his responsibility. That was why God wasn't unleashing his rage and anger upon them. It was because Lucifer's actions hadn't harmed mankind.

Letting out a soft breath, Lucifer wiped his face on his shoulder. His skin twitched, beads of sweat beginning to appear. Eden had grown hotter within seconds, and Lucifer wondered how high the sun was. His white robes, once comfortable, now felt itchy and unbearable. Lucifer wanted to pull them off in hopes of cooling down.

A pool of lava was beginning to form in the pit of his stomach, making his hairs stand on end. A drowsiness like a bubble wrapped around his head, and Lucifer squirmed. He turned his head, looking down at Adam and saw his gorgeous mate wheezing softly.

Adam's face was pressed to his chest, his complexion oddly red. Sweat covered his brow, his soft brown and red hair sticking to his face. Adam panted deeply, his chest heaving as his skin twitched and shuddered. It was as if the two suddenly became sick with a fever from nowhere. 

“It’s hot, isn’t it Adam.” Lucifer breathed out, pulling at the collar of his robes. Sweat was dripping down his neck. 

Adam whimpered and peeked up. His emerald eyes looked glassy and hooded, he squirmed with a whine. “I-I’m leaking.”

“What?” Lucifer began to say, only to cut himself off with a gasp. He was leaking too. Wetness dripping down his thighs. “I am too.”

Lucifer went to pull back, but Adam grabbed onto him in a panic. Lucifer shakingly caressed Adam’s cheeks. “I-I’m not going anywhere. I just - I just need to take off my robes. It’s too hot. I’m too hot and my robes aren’t helping.”

“O-Oh, okay.” Adam nodded dumbly but didn’t release his grip. It would have been adorably amusing if Lucifer wasn’t drowning. 

With delicate fingers, Lucifer pried Adam’s hands off his robes. He then shot to his feet and frantically ripped his robes off. His hot, sweaty skin is not even cooling down without the extra layers. 

“Lucifer, s-something’s wrong. I’m feeling - I’m feeling so strange.”

“Me too.” Lucifer said, returning to Adam quickly. “I need to feel you against me.”

Adam nodded in agreement, pulling the Archangel on top of him. 

…and that was the first heat the two mated Omegas had ever experienced. It was the first of many to come…

[zedleaked]

OVERTHINKER DOODLE BASED ON A DREAM MY FRIEND HAD ^

I ALSO LOOKED BACK AT SOME ATTACK CONCEPTS I HAD FOR OVERTHINKER I WROTE A WHILE AGO,, SO KEEP READING IF YOU WANNA SEE THOSE PLUS SOME RANDOM DOODLES:

General:

Cog Capacity

Cog capacity is up to 5 cogs in battle.

Lure resistance

Overthinker can only be lured for one round

Desk Jockeys

All cogs in this battle will be desk jockeys, although these versions of them are much more upgraded and powerful.

Attacks:

Spin

Brainstorm

Re-Org

Quack attack (I never wrote down what this was lol but I’m assuming it’s something similar to ‘Con-duck-tion’ or something)

Cheats:

Phase 1:

Surprise Experiment

Overthinker pulls out a concoction from their coat, they have the chance of pulling out from 6 different bottles, each having a different effect:

Green: Heals all cogs and toons in battle (though they don’t heal toons as much)

Orange: Causes an explosion, similar to overcharged cogs

Purple: Makes 1 or 2 cogs invincible for 2 rounds

Yellow: Turns everyone into ducks until the next phase (much like Buck’s duck attack in Wager Management) also turns any cog’s dialogue into quacks, that doesn’t really contribute anything to the battle but it’s funny

Teal: Makes it so you cannot see health or statuses of both cogs and toons (much like Rainmaker’s fog cheat but to a larger scale)

Red: Does nothing (Makes Overthinker sad) (If Overthinker pulls out a red concoction they are guaranteed to pull out a non red one the next turn)

Ducky See Ducky Do

Overthinker’s head explosion pulsates as he uses a random Manager’s ability (Ranging from street managers to kudos managers to main taskline managers) depending on the ability it can be in effect for 1 to multiple rounds.

Subject to Change

Overthinker will pull one Toon away from battle to conduct an ‘experiment’ on them, which involves inflicting a random effect on them which lasts 2-3 turns depending what it is, it can be either good or bad. The other Toons will have to deal a certain amount of damage to Overthinker to free their fellow Toon. (Overthinker will not pull away the same Toon 2 turns in a row, Overthinker will make sure to take each Toon at least once)

Shame Corner

If Overthinker takes too much damage in one round they will flee to the ‘shame corner’ dawning a dunce hat and all. Overthinker can’t take damage or attack for this round. This cheat will not activate after Subject to Change or if Overthinker is alone.

Phase 2:

One in the Same

Both Duck Shuffler and Prethinker share stats and only take up one space in battle. Any effects inflicted on them will be shared. Duck Shuffler and Prethinker are much higher level due to having been fused a few moments ago. Due to this they deal more damage and have more health.

Extra Attack

Due to ‘One in the Same’ Duck Shuffler and Prethinker have an extra attack where they attack together, including Wager Management this makes the two attack 4 times each round.

Castling

Both Prethinker and Duck Shuffler will jump and force a desk jockey to take their position, this will trigger if Prethinker and Duck Shuffler are:

Affected by soaked, lure or trap for more than one turn.

Targeted for two turns in a row.

Wager Management

The Duck Shuffler will spin his slots each round, even during rounds where they are also castling, both cheats will happen at the same time. The slots will land on 7 different outcomes as opposed to the usual 5:

Bust: Nothing happens.

Bar: Everyone in battle will be crushed by a gold bar.

Ducks: Every Toon gets turned into a duck until the next phase.

Sevens: Heals all Cogs and Toons in battle.

Jellybeans: Gives Toons some jellybeans.

Brains: A storm cloud attacks every Toon in battle, much like the Prethinker’s forward thinking cheat.

Explosions: Duck Shuffler will throw out one of the orange concoctions from Overthinker and blow up everyone in battle, if any Cog is soaked during the explosion they will take less damage. (Like damp from Pokemon…)

Bickering

If Duck Shuffler’s Wager Management hurts him and Prethinker in any way the two will get in an argument, causing the damage they deal for the round to be increased while they’re angry, however to compensate they will take more damage from gags as a result.

1 HP

The phase ends when Duck Shuffler and Prethinker are knocked down to 1 HP, it is impossible to defeat them while they are like this.

Phase 3:

Getting Along

Overthinker will have increased stats than his first phase due to now getting along.

Chemical Smoke

Smoke around the battlefield will hide the stats of every Cog in battle, if Overthinker is attacked directly enough, the smoke will subside until every Cog in battle besides Overthinker is defeated, in which the smoke will come back again and new Cogs will be summoned into battle. When smoke is on the field Overthinker won’t use Subject to Change or Shame Corner until the smoke is gone.

Doppelgangers

Overthinker will summon identical versions of themself at the start of the battle, each clone has their own difference whether it be slightly off colors, different speech patterns, animations playing in reverse, etc. These clones will hide in the Chemical Smoke, for every turn the real Overthinker is not attacked directly, the doppelgangers will retaliate with a group attack.

Oversized

When the real Overthinker is knocked down to half HP, they summon one last batch of clones which all kinda fuse with them, making one really big Overthinker (Don’t ask how this is possible or how I came up with this I don’t know), the battle functions similarly to phase 1 minus the Desk Jockeys.

Hazy

More strange smoke surrounds the battlefield, decreasing the defense of the Toons in battle. However, it does a similar thing High Roller does where Laff is maxxed and damage both Toons and Cogs deal is increased.

[jolieblack]

Jolie’s notes on

The Lion’s Mane (Sherlock & co podcast)

Oh, this case made me so happy. 🦁🪼⛴️

Sweet domesticity in Baker Street, then a client ringing the bell bringing a dramatic case… This is another ACD story with quite striking hidden horror. You don’t really think much about the state of the body when you read it, but when you really start thinking about it, it is horrific. And off they go, our heroes, to solve another mystery and right another wrong.

Heroes with a pension plan, of course. Because of course Mariana would have set that up for them all. I love how this show keeps finding modern ways of showing how well Mrs Hudson cares for those two crazy boys.

Heroes who drink tea with marshmallows, too. Sherlock being a big petulant child about those cracked me up.

Loved Maud‘s early reference to tentacles, too. 🦑

Archie being able to sense when people are sad. 🥹

The non-consensual bathroom sharing made me laugh, too, but can people PLEASE just stop making fun of men who sit down to wee? Housewives and cleaning staff all over the world would be so much happier if all men just did.

"It‘s a trolley stuck in a wall." 😂 Trust Jonk to turn absolutely everything into a rant against the rich. 😝

And then they’re off.

Loved this modern version of "Holmes and Watson get on another train for a case", and John waxing poetic about the countryside by night. I have looked out of the window of a night train at the starry sky in the not too distant past myself, so this scene struck a particular chord. But I‘d just love to see more of this reflective, quiet John. He hides him too well usually.

And talking of beautiful, evocative mental images, the moment when Fjara rises out of the sea mist gave me absolute goosebumps. A sight that makes even Sherlock Holmes go "oh my word" must be a sight indeed. And all that with just voices and music. Amazing work.

I also loved how the mythical aspect kinda crept in slowly but unstoppably, and I spent the longest time wondering why Maud had mentioned none of it. In retrospect, of course there was zero reason why she would have. I kinda forgot that Sherlock Holmes stories love playing with our fears of the supernatural, only to supply a completely natural explanation in the end. But that’s quite an achievement in itself! Well played, Joel.

I’m quite happy with the solution as such, too. The original story has always been a little fantastical, that the waters of the British Channel should contain one single organism who could inflict such damage on a human being. But the combination of Lion’s Mane burns, chemical burns, previous fistfight with probably head trauma and quite possibly also a touch of the Martini effect together could totally do it. I’m glad Ian Murdoch survived, btw, I thought he was going to be the third corpse.

I also really appreciated the Lion/Liona throwback to Rache/Rachel in Study in Pink (which seems to confirm to me that we have seen Study in Pink already and it won’t come back).

And the accents! I loooooved the accents. I think they’re a major part of the reason why I listened to this case three or four times before I even managed to pause the flow to take these notes.

Jonk was really taking cringe to a whole new level in his interactions with the locals, though. This is really a part of Watson’s character that they entirely made up for this adaptation and while Paul plays it to perfection, it never sits quite right with me. I’m glad John was his kind and sensitive self with Maud though.

Sherlock wading in rock pools with his trousers rolled up is a mental image that will stay with me for a long while. Check out this lovely art by @noodles-and-tea

"Sexy murderous sea demons?" - "Very, very unlikely." 😂

"We‘re cutting the engine *and* the conversation." & "You are not a priority." 😂

Poor John, nobody wants to hold his hand…

THE JELLYFISH

There’s a reason why the scene with the submarine submersible has inspired a lot of fantastic fanart. I’ll just let these speak for themselves:

Behold the Lion’s Mane by @starfruitsomething

Lion’s Mane by @abstractfrog

The Lion’s Mane Part 3 by @sealbug

The Lion’s Mane by @reibub

Lion’s Mane Comic by @abstractfrog

I’m so glad they went and found Fitzi McPherson in the end, too. I didn’t expect that and it was a lovely touch.

I may also be a tiny bit obsessed with Sherlock competently handling boats. Very happy to see this several times in this story.

All in all, pure enjoyment this time around. Story, atmosphere, humour, acting, straight As all around for the entire team. More, please!

[nebulousmedic]

I saw some tier lists on Twitter and they were inflicting a lot of psychic damage upon me. Anyway merc dad tier list

So here's mine! I think Spy gets WAY too much shit.... He seems to care for Jeremy AT LEAST to some degree. I don't think it's a coincidence that they ended up landing the same job, honestly. I could actually see Spy being decent-ish if his identity didn't, y'know, force him to leave his family for safety reasons. You betcha he pays child support tho.

Sorry Py and Solly lovers, I think they'd be a right mess. You can let them play with your kids under a VERY watchful eye. But that's it.

if Medic had a kid I think they'd turn out kinda traumatized.... Or, at least they'd be eerily desensitized to blood and viscera. He's one of those parents that doesn't know how to play- well, not with toys anyways. Worst dad jokes. Very embarrassing, probably scares off any other kids with his presence and eerie smile.

Sniper strikes me as those "hands off" kinda parents?? exposing kids to controlled danger, teaching them to hunt and such. He's probably seen as a "cool dad" by the other kids due to his tough and rugged appearance. Both him and Medic would struggle opening up emotionally to their kids, and they wouldn't know what to do when the kid is struggling as well.

Yeah Scout was the youngest out of 8, BUT that means that at least one of them had to have kids, there's a very high chance that he got to do all the kid caring stuff many times, being and uncle. I feel like he's pretty good with emotions and whatnot. He's definitely the kinda dad to be super involved in his kids' friend circle and play with them as much as he can (wether it be boys or girls, he doesn't care). If his kid didn't like sports he'd be sad but try to find common ground with them in other things.

I don't have a lot to say about Engie and Demo. Demoman obviously has alcoholism problems but I think he'd -try- to tone it down for the kids' sake. Like he wouldn't be able to quit for sure, but he's drunk less frequently. He definitely wouldn't want the kid to see him like that. I feel like he's a very sweet dad, very silly and encouraging. Definitely cries when he pauses and realizes how fast they grow up.

As for Engie, I feel like he needs a bit of anger management, he doesn't snap at his kids or anything but he does get very frustrated (it is visible) and has to walk away and leave for a while. Very good parenting other than that and submerging himself in work. Maybe a bit strict at times.

Heavy is.... Pretty much perfect in my eyes. He's patient, sweet, smart, stable. Knows how to deal with kids even if they're throwing tantrums. Very mature, but he also knows how to let go and be a child himself. He might be a little overprotective at first, but after he realizes that, he'll pause and think about it and how to deal with it. He constantly keeps himself in check, asking if he's doing a good job. 10/10 please give me piggyback.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

Tw vent su*c*de mention ableism generally a very unhappy rant because some stupid dipshit triggered me thanks to a "how to hurt a narcissist" article.

Npd culture is being pissed at the fact that people

people wish such awful things to people with npd

"i hope they eat a bag of nails and die a slow agonizing death"

sounds 'right' when told to a pwnpd.

the basis of this ill fate they wish upon me is the fact that my symptoms, as a pwnpd, inconvenienced them in some way.

with that logic, they curse me because of my disorder.

following that logic then, why does it seem so immoral to wish a person with depression to kill themselves already for being sad all the time?

The reason is simple. Because it is immoral.

Wishing a person an ill fate because of their disorder is immoral. I don't know why pwnpd are exempted from the rule

As in, it is okay to curse us, okay to make us feel pain. Hell, have you seen forums about npd? "how to hurt the narcissist's feelings" "how to disarm the narcissist" "how to break the narcissist"

you could've just said how to deal with a narcissist but headlines suggest something 'better' and that is to inflict damage on us, huh.

Is it fun to intentionally hurt someone? Because i guarantee you the 'narcissist' who inflicted you 'narcissist abuse' don't twirl their mustaches evilly while plotting your demise. Most of us have no capacity to obsess over someone else's life. So more often than not, the 'narc' that you hate so much has no fucking clue about your plight or whatever and if you're hurt we actually don't even know we did it.

So if you abelist pieces of shits 'disarm' and possibly trigger the living shit out of us because you think pwnpd are subhuman and therefore okay to intentionally emotionally torture,

Congrats, that makes us better than you fuckers making sure that we hurt.

wow i was mad im so sorry... 🙏

.

[skayafair]

Ep 1 Rewatch Notes

So I'm rewatching the 3rd time and want to note a few things I didn't realize before:

This:

where Edwin seemed so sure he won't need these self-defence techniques is followed by this ↓ the very same episode. No wonder it ends not well. Should have listened to ur mate, Edwin!

Edwin identifies the era Emma is from by her hairstyle and details of clothing and purse. Someone's been studying historical fashion huh~

When the boys banish the demon from Crystal in the underground, Charles looks mostly alright despite taking the most damage (apparently ghosts can very well feel things inflicted by other supernatural beings and forget that material hindrances like floor or a wall or a door shouldn't be an issue for them), while Edwin seems to be alarmed and breathes fast as if trying to calm down from panic. I guess it's not "as if".

Table soccer line on the wall is such a cute detail reminding they are still teenagers.

I didn't understand the bridge scene with "Like, I'm being mean to you. - What? Am I supposed to get mad?" properly before. I do now though. Chaaaarles 😭 I believe it's a mixed bag of him keeping up his "sunny" facade, being able to communicate to another teenager who's alive (as a connection to being alive and regret that he's dead) and liking Crystal. Damn, that's too sad(((

Charles knows Edwin sooooo well. I can't with this huge smile after "You're really gonna let a little american girl die?". He was 1000% sure Edwin would cave in.

"Edwin this woman has a big cleaver-" WHY are you asking Edwin about it Charles?! 🤦😂

Ooooh no oh no oh no. The first case they take is a missing girl one. Crystal is crying while reading the mother's mind. Of course the woman can think only of her lost daughter. And THEN we learn that Crystal's own mother didn't give a damn. DIdn't even know her daughter was missing. My turn to cry 😭

Wow Edwin looked like he was on the verge of tears when Crystal confessed she let David in willingly. Heavy stuff.

Gods the whole "our deaths didn't matter" scene is. Idk how it can hit harder the 3rd time - maybe because I'm paying more attention to the details and have already processed some of their meanings - but it does. A moment of involuntary vulnerability, a true connection, reluctant as it was, and. Edwin is not collected in the slightest. It's not just that his emotions blew up - he just can't control them at all. This whole case with David the Demon became a very strong trigger and Edwin simply could not handle it at all. Crystal can't handle it either, she has her own trauma in full bloom. It's such a fragile moment between them when they decide to set this issue aside, even though it's very much urgent for Crystal. And poor Charles who's used to being a fixer is so lost the whole time because his words don't work and he has no idea what to do. Say what you want but the 1st episode is CHARGED with emotionally strong scenes.

Charles had a beef with Monty from episode one I just can't- 😂

"Keep mocking me, crow. I'll make you my friend eventually. Everyone likes me". Oh well, he sort of succeeded!

[viviennevermillion]

Welcome to my newest AU: Lost but everyone who ever stepped foot on the island has some type of usable magic power from that moment on. Rules for this is every power has a drawback and it only activates at a critical moment to their character arc. Here's what powers I assigned them:

Jack Shephard: Can heal people using his own life force. He can only give up to 50% of his own life force to do this, if the injury can't be healed by that, he can't save a person. Jack's power doesn't activate until way into Season 6 because he didn't have faith in the island.

Kate Austen: Has the same power as Blake Belladonna in RWBY. Both are characters who are established as people on the run because of their past. Their powers reflect that. Whenever Kate is attacked, if she reacts fast enough, she can leave behind a shadow of herself to take the hit for her.

James "Sawyer" Ford: The angrier he gets, the more damage his punches do. On the other hand, if he gets genuinely sad and devastated, his physical abilities are significantly stunted and damage is almost non-existent.

Charlie Pace: Can focus on a person and play or sing a song that reflects their true nature. This can be used to gather information about them. He can only do this once per person.

Claire Littleton: She can sense danger, even when there otherwise isn't any indication of it.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Can speak to the dead. Activates off-island.

Sun-Hwa Kwon: Can accelerate the growth of plants and the natural healing process of animals and people. She has to know and understand the species to do this.

Jin-Soo Kwon: Can communicate with the ocean to go with the "son of a fisherman" theme. If his head is underwater the ocean tries to kill him tho.

John Locke: Is the only one who doesn't have a power. He's like Mirabel Madrigal. He's deeply important to the story but he has 0 magic. He himself and other characters throughout the story think that he does during varying points of time but it's always the MiB messing with him. He realizes this at the end. Can you tell I like angst yet?

Michael Dawson: Can create a magic shield using his own stamina. Shield disappears when his stamina runs out.

Walter "Walt" Lloyd: Astral Projection. Self-explanatory.

Vincent: Ages normally and can die of old age but is otherwise virtually indestructible. Usually animals don't get any powers but Vincent's was given to him by Jacob directly to assist the survivors.

Sayid Jarrah: Can burn a person with his touch when he wants to. Doing this inflicts an equal amount of emotional pain to him as the physical pain he causes. I like angst.

Shannon Rutherford: Can master any skill within 30 minutes if she puts her mind to it. Never figures this out because she has been told that she's useless all her life and believes it. Only uses this once when she translates French but thinks those are lucky guesses.

Boone Carlyle: Blood-bending. Mostly gave this to him because everytime he angrily stares at someone you can tell that his blood is boiling. Never uses this once during his lifetime though.

Rose Henderson Nadler & Bernard Nadler: Have a soul link with one another. They can always tell how the other is feeling and neither of them can die while the other still lives as long as they're on good terms. Virtually indestructible unless you kill them at the exact same time but why the fuck would you.

Ana Lucia Cortez: Pyromancy. Fits her vibe. Also bound to stamina.

Elizabeth "Libby" Smith: Can read people's emotions.

Mr. Eko: Precognition. Can tell what he needs to do when and can anticipate things a couple seconds before they happen.

Benjamin Linus: Everytime he lies (to convince someone of his lie, sarcasm not included), it slightly alters reality in an unexpected way to make his lie appear like the truth. This is how Anthony Cooper gets to the island after Ben tells John about the magic box. The result of his lies is always unexpected and can backfire. He can't make something specific happen intentionally. His power activated during the purge.

Juliet Burke: Ice-bending. This has nothing to do with her character but I've previously seen Elizabeth Mitchell in Once Upon A Time and The Santa Clause and both times she plays a character that has something to do with winter. Also bound to stamina.

Ethan Rom: Superhuman strength. Self-explanatory. It actually takes multiple shots from 6 guns to take him down in this AU.

Harper Stanhope: Can see people's time of death over their head. Was very confused that Juliet's said 1977 and Ben's was way past his normal life expectancy.

Goodwin Stanhope: Idk what his power is but it's certainly not danger sense. 💀

Roger Linus: Can sense fear. Terrible power for a terrible man. I love Ben, I promise. I also love angst tho. The moment Ben killed him was the only time he didn't sense any fear from him, which scared the shit out of him.

Desmond David Hume: Activates his power after the events of "The Constant". Can see glimpses of people's past and future upon touching them. Can only do this once per person.

Frank Lapidus: Always lands safe. Literally always lands on his feet like a cat. Also applies to planes / helicopters he flies.

Charlotte Staples Lewis: Can speak any language after hearing it spoken once. Growing up with this was very confusing off-island.

Miles Straume: Reading the final thoughts of the dead. Self-explanatory.

Daniel Faraday: Stopping time for up to an hour. After using this power, he can't use it for 24 times the amount of time he stopped time for. Only can use it in present time.

Illana Verdansky: Able to tell when people lie.

Danielle Rousseau: Her bullet or arrow always hits the target unless the target specifically blocks it.

Alexandra Rousseau: Can make herself invisible. Used for stealth.

Karl Martin: Can accelerate his speed. Bound to stamina.

Mikhail Bakunin: Telepathy.

Eloise Hawking: Chain Reaction. Once a day for 5 minutes she can see the effects of every action of hers she thinks about.

Charles Widmore: Can take a glimpse at people's destiny. Only can do this once per person.

Richard Alpert: Can't be killed by anything ever. Can't even die of natural causes. Can't die.

[headless-robot]

7-36 Abnormality Boss Guide & Tips

Hello again, I am doing a second run through of the last dungeon of canto 7 and will be recording my thoughts, tips, and making a little guide for the boss fights. Hopefully if you're having trouble with any of these, I hope this Unsolicited advice can maybe help you.

the two abno fights this dungeon were relatively easy compared to the Last Boss (which I Will try to write a guide on) leaving me with less to comment on them mechanically sadly. So I've decided to put them both into one post.

Lets Start with Hurting Teddy

"Expression of love" is the main Gimmick skill of the fight, and is pretty easy to deal with. when a sinner with more negative effects then the Teddy's "Faint Memories" stacks clash, they will use "A Sad Embrace" next turn. Just that skill next turn, then gets staggered.

If you want to speed-run the fight, you're going to want to let one of your sinners get stacked with as many status effects they can handle, then clash with this skill. Then you get what equates to two turns of free damage. That, or you can clash with all the other skills over the course of the fight to lower faint memories, which is honestly kinda easier to do.

"Clawing" and "Violent Clawing" are just some filler bread and butter skills. You should be try to be careful about who clashes with these, just so not everyone is stacked with attachment. Although maybe that would be better? When everyone has attachment it uses "And Old, Nostalgic Embrace" and only that skill. Even if it hits everyone it's really not that scary of a skill. If anything it kind of helps since you want some status effects on at least some of your sinners, and it does exactly that inflicting curse(if you don't break the first coin) and nails.

If you don't want it to use the big skill anyway, just let a sinner clash and get hit by it's counter skill. It'll drain the attachment from them and inflict them with curse and stuff.

This has a Event that I don't remember getting the first time, but I'll write down my result. You can either hug the teddy or not. I am not a monster so of course I give it free hugs, succeeding the lust check will heal your sinner's sanity by 30 and inflicts teddy with 1 perma clash power down.

the passive for it is written wrong I think, but when it hits the 30% HP threshold it will Both inflict all sinners with attachment, AND get 15 offense down. Don't know why it's written how it is right now. Probably to be left for a future bug fix down the road.

It has a passive that lowers it's own base power when your sinner is inflicted with 3 negative effects, stacking up to 3 times. It's called Please don't be sick. that is sad and adorable.

And that's the most I can think I can scrounge up on Hurting teddy. I like reading people's analysis and stuff on characters and abno's, but I'm not a huge Character analytic my self. I'm better with looking at mechanics. So going round a second time against teddy, I confirmed it's probably the easiest boss in the dungeon so far. But I do like how the mechanics try to show the Teddies personality that some people have pointed out. Despite the fact the bear "plays rough", it's not completely malicious. If a sinner too "hurt" with status effects, It tries to comfort them and wait's for them to heal before "playing again". very cute, but again, very easy boss fight.

Next up is The Rose Hunter

TBH I kinda F-ed up on my second go with this guy cause I also felt he was as easy as teddy, thinking "I won't even need to use ego with this guy, I'll just save all my resources for the final dungeon boss".

I made the fatal mistake of not accounting for unbreakable coins staggering a sinner before they could clash with one of his AOEs. I still beat him relatively easily, but uh, you should use ego here if you can.

Ok, so the Main Gimmick of this fight is one of your sinners getting "Lassoed" every turn. "Snaring Lasso" will inflict it's target with "Barbed Lasso" at the start of combat. This is kinda like those captured states some previous boss's had, but they can still act freely. They're just paired with a minion that will fix their speed to one as long as they're lassoed.

These minions do not have a lot of health, so the sinner lassoed can easily free themselves with almost any skill really. If you have more then once sinner lassoed, just make sure they're clashing with the lasso targeting them. Free them as soon as you can.

The most dangerous part of this fight is definitely the rupture it inflicts, and the free rupture your sinners are inflicted with in the dungeon event before the fight.

As mentioned this boss has skills with unbreakable coins, and a coin hitting will still trigger the rupture on your sinners. So as I will keep repeating (more for myself by this point), Watch your sinner's health bars and stagger points. If someone is about to be staggered, make sure they aren't clashing a big AOE skill.

Sadly, unlike the bleed effect stuff from the 7-34 fight, I can't really say there's a consistent way to lose your rupture count. "Spiked Whip" only inflicts potency, so if a sinner is gonna lose a clash, better to lose to that probably. "Whip Crack" isn't something you want to get hit with since it just refreshes and keeps your rupture count and potency up.

"Strangling crown of thorns" is also something you don't really want to get hit with since it deals sanity damage against your sinners (unless yknow, your running NClair or UmbrellaHeath) it's also harder to clash against if you took the Hemobar from the previous dungeon event, so don't take it unless you're using the new bloodfiend IDs and/or have ego to heal your sanity every fight. (I did take it with out using my sanity healing ego and that I think is what led to my big F up.)

"Withdraw Whip" and "Barbed Lasso" are it's two AOE skills with the unbreakable coins to look out for. W-Whip isn't a strong skill and can be dealt with any skill2/3, but if you're really scared of AOE damage you can use Ego.

It's better to use Ego on the B-Lasso. since it will inflict Rupture potency and count no matter what, it'll technically get stronger each use since it's coin power scales with its target's rupture potency. BTDubs, it was the unbreakable coin on B-lasso that staggered my sinner before they could clash W-Whip which then proceeded to kill 2 sinners. Remember, Check those Stagger Thresholds!

And that's about all I got on the Rose Hunter. Compared to Hurting Teddy, which felt like it was trying to use it's mechanics to get across it's "Character" and "Story", Rose Hunters Mechanics were trying to express "He's a dude on a horse, and he has a whip". The whip captures sinners, it slows sinners, it's kink-I mean spiky, so it inflicts pointy status effects and inflicts SP damage. The MD event included an apple the Rose Hunter was chasing, and I remember seeing people interpret how the Hunter was trying to make the apple follow the flow of the story. How that was representative the sinners following the flow of their story and what others expect of them, whether they have a say in the matter or not (Faust and Hong Lu being extra obvious, since they got the Ego). I guess you could say in this fight, you take the place of the apple, trying to fight the fate the Hunter and those at home have for you. Despite that it's still a pretty simple and straight forward fight.

Annnd there's no Camilla fight sooooo we wait till RR5 for that I guess, probably. maybe.

I don't mind the abnormality fights this dungeon being relatively easy, since it is story content and we want players unlucky with gacha or time to experience the story. they'll be harder in RR probably, though mostly cause they'll be higher level probably. Whats important is if they have interesting mechanics that gets across their "Character" and their "Central Gimmick". As I said i think Teddy gets across its kinda tragic character of a lonely toy that wants to play, but only knows how to play rough. The rose hunter just being a dude with a whip is a little uninspired I guess, but they do try their best to go "What can a boss with a Whip do to impose a challenge to the player".

I hope this post was enjoyable to read through and helped you in the fight at least somewhat. I hope to be back later and bring more Unsolicited advice to those who wish it be, if it were the flow of my story.

[firecrackerhh]

Sometimes I wish Hazbin and Helluva was as problematic as antis claim if only because at least their bitching and whining would make sense.

Swear to god half of these people’s complaints literally come out of their ass and they just present it as fact, like it’s obvious to them that Bee is a trafficker or that Stolas is a malicious abuser or Loser baby is a song that victim blames Angel Dust and they somehow expect normal people who don’t have the fucking intelligence of a rotting corpse to believe them, but they only think their retarded opinions are so normal because these people are terminally online weirdos who’ve never actually spoken to a real person in real life.

I don’t even think doing that would help them, I consider chronically online more of a state of mind than just…being online all the time. For example, I’m online, all the time, but I still have some grounding in reality and I’m aware the things I bitch about are objectively fucking ridiculous.

But if you took anti types outside they wouldn’t magically become less fucking weird, they would just make everyone else uncomfortable with their presence cuz the second they see something they don’t like they’ll just make it everyone else’s problem because clearly their shit fucking parents never taught them how to behave in public and they’re too fucking brain damaged from terminally online discourse to understand how acting like a fucking maniac because God forbid…I dunno, someone wore a bathing suit in their general vicinity or something retarded like that is like…insane to normal people?

No one likes those evangelical preachers on the street who have those God hates fags signs except the people already in the cult.

And of course, they latch onto Hazbin as their main source of Haterade, it’s a (barely) edgy show about demons and shit, of fucking course they would hate it, but since it isn’t nearly half as bad as they want it to be, they have to come up with wack shit for why it sucks, to the point where they drank so much of their own supply they legit believe it.

These people actually believe Stolas is a monster and loser baby is victim blaming and blah blah blah, these people lost the ability to critically think about anything a long time ago, these people have a mental illness that has made them lose touch with reality and I’m not gonna lie, that thought legit makes me sad.

Similar to how people have lost family members over Qanon bullshit, I’m sure there’s plenty of people who have lost friends to anti ideology, and that’s very sad to me.

It’s not like these people wake up one day and become awful people in the name of their own twisted form of “justice” out of nowhere. It’s not like they wake up and convince themselves that Hazbin is world ending and if it doesn’t stop society will collapse or some wack shit like that out of nowhere.

Like I’m not gonna get on my high horse and say I’m incapable of having similar though processes, I have anxiety and it’s a bitch, but at least I can recognize after the fact that my anxiety is fucking ridiculous, these people whip themselves up into a frenzy and inflict their hysteria onto other people completely ignorant as to how they come off to others and more importantly what their words and actions could lead to.

And they don’t even realize it dude. At least if they did I could call them selfish and leave it at that, but if you add in the people who are completely unaware and yet they’re so convinced that they’re correct…I dunno man, makes me wonder if people like that just have some kind of undiagnosed schizotypal disorder to be honest. Or SOMETHING like that, I dunno.

Like Christ man how tf am I SUPPOSED to respond to “Bee is a trafficker?” Like cmon! How am I supposed to have any respect for these people when it’s obvious they’re so brain damaged from this shit it may as well be considered an actual mental illness? Honestly I’m convinced people like that need to be in a psych ward, legit, I don’t trust these people to take care of themselves if their version of reality is that warped, call me ableist but Christ man, you can’t tell me that that is a normal take! Sorry if I don’t put nice words over it but I’m not talking shit here!

Honestly if Viv’s shit was really that influential, if her shows could end the world, they would have by now, but they haven’t, because that’s ridiculous. If anything it’s the fucking weirdos who insist on making everyone else suffer for whatever arbitrary reason they can come up with that’ll do us all in.

Antis are no better than conservatives to me, that’s all they are, anyone involved in that shit is either a fucking retard or a truly unambiguous fascist leaning piece of shit, and I don’t respect it.

I think Hazbin is significantly more influential to an anti’s life than society at large, it’s why they never shut the fuck up about it, they couldn’t stop thinking about it even if they wanted to. These people have a problem.

I just wish fans could just be brutally honest and tell these people they obviously have a mental illness and need counseling ASAP. They don’t gotta be ableist about it, but I sure don’t think we should treat these people like they’re in any way normal. Because they are not. No matter how much they gaslight themselves into believing otherwise. And they never will be if they keep this shit up.

🧨🔥~Firecracker out~🔥🧨

[sodapopseagull]

I love my best friend so much 😭😭😭 We started a new honor save last night and it's been a TOTAL shitshow and I wanna YAP ABOUT IT-

Let me preface this by saying we adore all of the companions. However!!! My friend is definitely more Gamer than I am and can emotionally separate herself from blobs of polygons (wild), and because this is a two-man run, we aren't going to be recruiting anyone.

Or at least, that's the plan.

She has taken it upon herself to kill the companions that we encounter. I got a glimmer of hope when she said she wanted to keep one of them alive, but that's just so she can sacrifice one of them to Boooal. I'm so sorry Astarion you deserve so much better than to become fish fodder LMAO I have refused to speak to him because I am already sad about the salty, scaly fate awaiting him.

Now, did I get in huge trouble for breaking the rules by pulling Gale from the portal and recruiting him? Maybe. Do I fear for his survival? Absolutely. But if we can't have any friends at camp I think I deserve to have my beautiful wife to keep my spirits up 😤😤😤 I won't even romance him! Probably. I'm pushing my luck enough as it is hehe

All of this is to say, I think it was karmic justice that when we encountered Shadowheart at level 1 on the beach, my pal was BLASTED for 16 points of radiant damage from a Guiding Bolt. I picked her up, and then she was immediately hit with 34 points of necrotic damage from an Inflict Wounds. Girl got cooked.

In the roughly 1 hour and 15 mins of playtime we've got so far, my friend has been downed three times and outright killed once. I have the significant advantage of playing a bard and being able to stay far away, and since we picked up Withers she has since reclassed from a barbarian to a paladin, so hopefully our survivability improves. Our endgame will be an open hand monk and a swords bard, the combos for which are absolutely RANCID, so if we can survive act 1 and the Ketheric fight, we should be set to coast through act 3. I am talking being able to poison like, 6 foes at once and then, in the same turn, cast a 100% chance to hit, 5-person Hold Person, whereupon the whirling vortex of hands and feet that is my friend's monk will one-two blast people into oblivion. It's a SIGHT but we have to actually, you know, make it there first.

Anyway, I like yapping about my playthroughs on occasion and I'm so excited to be doing another honor run with my bestie hehehehe we have yet to successfully do a two-man one and this is our... fourth? attempt at it now LOL

[thurio-edau]

okay, the history of my life with a narcissistic (i dont even know if i wrote that right) abusive elder sister and a fucked up family story. because i have to sort things out. there will be... a lot of things about me that i've never talked about before. you really don't have to read this. i just need to scream into the void.

warning. possible REALLY disturbing things ahead.

alright. here goes nothing.

i was a little child, three years younger than her. ever since i gained conciousness, due to living with her and staying in the same room, i had to be around my elder sister. and i was a naive child. i used to be a polyanna even... yeah. me. a polyanna. first of all,

anger issues are genetic in our family. mostly in my father's side but they exist in my mama's side too. my father has externalized anger issues, while my ma internalized. my sister always resembled our father in everything while i picked up after our mom. which, was also the case in our genetical anger problems.

externalized anger was always the same. yelled, screamed, fought, hit, then pretend like nothing happened after the crisis. and the internalized would silently take whatever happened and never fight back, but instead of having that nothing-happened feeling the internalized would keep it. keep it in and activate their anger themselves, but also towards themselves. never out. this caused bottled up rage and self-inflicted damage, physical or mental. and it'd stay, the external passed but the internal never did. it remained and turned into sadness, suffering, agony and pain.

the dynamic, external and internal dynamic, always remained the same way. like my father and my mom, it was the same in my sister and i. and for some fucking dumb reason i don't even know both me and mom are soft, forgiving people that always feel bad to act slightly rude. we're just like that. we are too soft. we are too forgiving. just like how she forgave father and still loved him. i would cover my ears in my bed at night while my father yelled at her, his voice increasing always terrified me. i was scared. but my mom still forgave him and loved him. and i was the same with my sister.

i was a fucking child just wanting to be loved. for complicated and long reasons, i hardly saw my father growing up. i'll try to explain. my father, for years, was blamed for terrorism and he spent years prisoned. a few years he was in, but a few years he ran away just to work and provide for his family. he's not a bad person. he tried to care. he tried to, but he didn't know how to do certain things. and when he ran away, he had to work on smaller jobs to not get caught. when he was caught however, we had a long period of time where we fought severe income problems. without a father and an uneducated housewife mom, everything was hard for us. my father was prisoned, and i hardly saw him for long years. there were monthly meetings however, but just those. there were also phone calls but as i said, i was a child. so there wasn't much to be said.

and my mama used antideprassants. without anyone to support her financially any emotionally, and having her husband far away, while dealing with her own traumatic childhood, away from her home, as a mother raising two kids, life was hard for her. she tried, she tried so damn hard, to raise us. she seemed strong for us, she laughed with us, she read us stories to sleep and always tried to make us happy and feel like nothing was happening. and she succeeded. i wasn't even aware of everything for long years.

but for a lot of things we had to depend on other people. grandmother, aunts, uncles... and my mom grew up in an environment where she was seen as an extra. some help. not as a human being. for that she saw getting help as being a burden. while her thoughts didn't go through my sister's thick skull, i was a much more sensible child. too sensible in fact. so i grew up in the same mindset as my mom. never depend on others. be your own person because you're a weakling if you need help. you're just a burden if you need other people and can't stand on your own. i had the same mindset. i was a fucking child.

and our personalities were done by the time. before my father was prisoned, since my sister was the first child, she was given a lot of care. she was a gifted child; reading newspapers at three years old, writing good, maths and science, learning a lot of things, gripping stuff easily, smart... and the care given to her boosted her ego a lot. she wanted attention. when i was born, the attention went to her still. because c'mon, they had a gifted child. i was a silent, calm child. probably nothing like her. so the attention still went to her. it made her feel as if the world was only around her. when my father was prisoned, it only kept going on. my mother gave us equal love and care, but my elder sister already had her ego damn high.

she always saw herself as something perfect, above all else. which included me too. she trashed me, always yelled at me, hurt me, yet she acted the perfect daughter. because i couldn't talk. because i, despite being pushed aside by her (and by her manipulation for years, our cousins because we grew up together with them and she was the same age as them) (except for nola, she's three years younger than me) and being bullied, hurt, i still yearned for her love. i remember it so damn vividly. i would draw hearts and make cutouts for her, i would try to do stuff she loved, just to have some worth and care in her eyes. just for her to love me. i still saw her as my sister because that's what she was. i lived together with her, i was around her, and i was touch starved as a child. no father around to care -and he always cared for her 'gift' more than he cared for me- and having our cousins by her side, i was always pushed away. i wanted love too, care too, attention too, and i tried so fucking hard for years just for her to love me too.

but it never worked. seeing how i was still around her it only made her worse. she did worse. i have had derealization issues since childhood. i had existensal crisises, real life issues, derealization and depersonalization issues as a child. i always mixed real life with my imagination, with my daydreams and night dreams. maybe i imagined some of the abuse. i still don't know if it was real or a dream, but it felt damn real and i remember it vividly. the damage was already done. and it was irreversible. and i still tried to get her to love me and to care for me. i remember us going to our aunt's vacation site for summers and she befriended everyone in the site and played with them and got them to bully me. and what did i do? i still tried. i still tried to get some love from her and the people there. random people i didn't know, but they were her friends, so they should be my friends too right? it hurt so damn much but i still tried. i still tried to have some love and care, some attention, in hopes that i'd also be included. but the same happened everywhere. alone with her, with our cousins, with her friends, it always happened. but i still tried. i was desperate to get the attention i couldn't get from our father and her. from our cousins, the only people around us. because i realized our mom was only putting up a facade in front of us. i faced real life when i was eight years old. and once you realize your mom's happiness is just a facade you realize how everything is fake. i even doubted her sometimes.

reminder on just how fucked up the situation was: i was eight years old.

yet i was a polyanna. i tried to be a polyanna. i tried to smile and laugh because my mom was doing the same. my mom was crying by herself and smiling for us, my mom was using medication while dying inside, my mom was dealing with her childhood. and i picked up after her. if she smiled, laughed, to make others feel happy and love her, i should do the same right? no matter how unloved i felt, if i did the same, i would have what i wanted right? now that i look back i realize how fucking desperate i was. i tried my whole life for some care and i never got it. and i still laughed and tried again. i mean, if i'm not gonna have what i wanted, at least not make others feel bad. at least make them happy right? so i still laughed. i had the perfect fake smile by the time i was nine.

i was at elementary school. i tried again. and this time? it worked. with that smile, with that laugh, i was able to have 'friends'. i felt important, the polyanna had people around 'her' by acting like a sunshine. i was in the school bus. i spent first grade in the same school bus as my sister because we went to the same school, she was fourth grade then. and i was silent in the bus. because she was there. and the people the same age as her actually bullied me that whole year when i was like seven. but once she was gone, when i was in second grade and she (also those with her) were in middle school, i could shine in the school bus. i talked, laughed, smiled when she was away. and there i had people around me too. people loved the polyanna. i succeeded. it may have took me years but i won what i wanted. i had people around me at school. i loved school in elementary. because it was the only place i had people that cared. or at least felt like it, but i had friends and i wasn't alone.

how happy, right? well. even though i had what i tried for so long, some attention and love, i still felt... an emptiness. while i didn't have that emptiness at school with my 'friends', i had it again as soon as i left. it always returned when i was alone again. it always returned when i was home again. so i tried again. to fill that void, again, with my elder sister. try to have her love again because i couldn't tire my mom. she was already tired. i didn't want to exhaust her. i tried to get love from my sister, from my cousins, i tried.

and i got attention from our aunts. i loved them so much, our aunts and uncles loves me so much. i even think they adored me more than my sister. the only people that cared for me more than they cared gor her gift was them. and i loved them so much. but seeing that the attention wasn't always on her (and they also loved her a lot, just that they gave us equal attention or a teensy bit more to me) my sister got mad. she had a high ego while she crushed mine since i gained conciousness. so she hurt me about it behind the curtains. she'd pressure me like 'they spoiled you so much' 'you're so selfish' 'you never care about others' 'you're too spoiled' which eventually became such a key stone in my mind. and the burden mindset was placed. i started to feel like a burden around everyone. because i was spoiled. i was selfish for wanting their love. i was selfish for being touch starved. and by time that emptiness took over. i started to never think about myself then. i always put other people ahead of myself, yeah, but that got extreme then. i forgot i was a being. because i wasn't anymore. i was just a burden, a pain, something selfish that doesn't deserve anything it's getting. something so selfish that it didn't know what the real world was, something so selfish it only lived inside it's own mind, mixed the reality with it's daydreams where it was cared about. so by time that became my whole personality.

when i was ten years old that was all i knew. i just knew that i was simply nothing, thinking anything i save for myself is being selfish. thinking i was a burden. the satisfaction i acquired by having people i loved in school gave it's place to emptiness. because i wanted to be loved, that for sure was selfishness and only made me a burden to the people i wanted attention from, right? of course. what a logical thing to believe. how smart of you, little polyanna. but i believed it. i was a naive kid. there, i was now a full blown people pleaser. the 'friends' i had were only people for me to be around to make them happy. it was a one way road. and with that i still panicked, am i being a burden?

then i got into middle school... the school part is different, this is just the family. wild stuff happened at school so my mentality already went shit.

so when i was at 5th or 6th grade, my father got back. he was searched for a while (but not very much searched. cops invaded our house just a few times) but he was escaping. i had my father back, but he was a stranger. he wasnt here while i was growing up, what was i supposed to do? he was like a big friend that we saw once a month. now he was constantly with us... and he realized the elder daughter he left wasnt the same. thats when it all went downhill.

it was good for a while. our income increased (not greatly, but an increase was an increase) and we now had a father! it was good, right? no. since we only saw him once a month, he was always smiley around us. loving. caring. but those values leave when you always see the person. because now youre with them every day. and that was exactly what happened. he was strict, he demanded there be dinner ready at 19.30 when he was coming home from work. he would get mad if all of us werent in the kitchen, helping our mom set the dinner. he would yell. it didnt usually get physical, but... that didnt mean never.

his anger issues became more apparent day by day. and my elder sister is like a carbon female copy of him, with added emotional things and lots of ego. so what happens if you put an angry father in the same house as the 'gifted' but burning out daughter, who is really self-centered? chaos.

every day almost, it was yelling. yelling and yelling and yelling. i learnt to mask my emotions, i learnt to be the wall. i learnt to shut my door and put my earphones on. i learnt to close my eyes, to ignore, then to smile and act like i loved them the same. but every time, i hated them both more. my insomnia started at 6th grade. after we went to sleep, the yelling would continue. because he couldnt take his anger out of a 12 year old, right? then his yelling went to my mom. even after they shut up and went to sleep like nothing happened, i would cry in my bed, covering my ears because his voice still rang in my ears. any kind of yelling started to trigger me. i feared my own father at 9 years old, how do i not fear anyone else?

some days my sister and i would go out together to the market. i tried to be around her because i still yearned for her love. she just used me as a rambling dump. because, i cant deny it, a lot of pressure was put on her because of her gift. she had a lot of people expecting much from her, she was sent to special schools while i was in public schools, she had people looking at her. so she would turn the pressure on her to me. to this day she still tells me that since all the pressure went to her, i was set free. she said 'they put us in the same scale. if our father makes me do something, he counts is as you did too. they think you're the same as me.' what she doesn't realize is they're also thinking of me as a smaller version of her. the pressure put on her is being reflected to me. anyways, during one of those days. i never forget. as i said, i always loved and forgave everyone. which included both my father and sister. i remember her say, 'i just want him to stay because he's getting money.' her only care for our father was that he was working. she was 12 years old.

i learnt to not use money. i always felt the heaviness of it. my father often talked about it, how it was hard to get by. debt, debt, debt, debt... i saw what i wanted as extras. i ignored my wants. i even ignored my needs. i refused each time my mom asked to get me anything new. i have clothes, i dont need new ones. its old, its ripped, i dont care. i have it. i dont need a new one. my shoes ripped open. its still working, i dont need anything. i started to deny everything offered to me. i didn't need to eat because that meant they would eat less. after a while, numbness arrived. also reminding that i had a school life that was going fucked up too. i was constantly bullied by people i called my friends back then. but i said nothing. i was already a burden, anything i do was a burden.

i didnt tell them i was bullied. i didnt tell them i lost all my friends. i didnt tell them i was feeling like nothing, i didnt tell them i needed help. i remember, a TV series was made. it was about a psychiatrist's patients. one day, when i was beside my mom, she was watching and the patient gave a big amount of money to pay for the visit. my mom said, '[deadname], dont have anything happen to you. look at how expensive that is.'

to her it was just a comment. she didnt even think. but it made me push away my mental needs.

i was just something that made our family lose money. i was worth nothing. that was all i was thinking. i was a burden, a pain, i was only hurting them by existing. i was ten fucking years old. i started wanting to die.

then the quarantine arrived... god. i was now stuck in the same house as both my father and sister. i wanted to escape them so i started sleeping in the fucking balcony until winter. it was my safe haven, far away from everyone. my father pressured my studies and online classes. he had strict rules. he, once again, was making me hate him. and during these days, things with my sister got weird. or was it before quarantine? i dont know.

so my sister now didnt have as much attention as she used to. and she hated our father. but those days, i had become numb. i was like empty, a puppet my logic played. i smiled when needed, i fought when required; but never let my emotions let alone control, think about being in the charge of me. during these days, my cousins started to love me and hate my sister, during these days, i became close with nola. my sister lost the attention. she became extremely clingy. she said she changed in person, but the abuser never remembers what the abused does. i had trauma amnesia, yeah, but i had it in my mind.

i pushed her away this time. i got away from her. i was really rude to her, but in reality i was just protecting myself. and once again, yelling. she yelled whenever she didnt get what she wanted. and then acted like nothing happened right after. because she was just like our father, external anger issues. and i hated yelling now. i sometimes cried even when a voice raised slightly. i started reading people. a small change in tone made me think they hated me. i was terrified of everyone. paranoid. i acted tough, strong, i tried to be tough and strong. but inside i was bottling up everything. i ignored everything about myself and gave my all for others.

she got clingier. at this point i started to feel anger. the numbness somehow broke and i started to feel again, this time to just be angry all the time. but my anger was internalized, i couldnt reflect it outside. i just wasnt able to. besides, anything i did would add gasoline to the fire that was our 'family'. so i started to relieve the anger by self harm. the difference is that, back then the cuts i made weren't permanent marks. now they are.

my sister tried to connect with me. but since it all turned into yelling, even after we successfully talked, it just broke me. i was now far more rude. i pushed her away at every chance. i lost my forgiving side against her.

stopped eating. because who cares? my sister knows. she knows i have one. she just doesnt give a fuck. she doesnt care that im killing myself with this.

fast forwarding the two years. in this space, my father got arrested once and for all then was set free. after that he got a really good job that was his dreams, to work on robots. but he had to move to another city for that. everything calmed down then. i now could keep my eating disorder the way i wanted because i didnt have a father forcing dinner on us every day. he was lost with his strictness. he only got home at weekends... which also caused chaos. dont think this means i hate my family. i love my mom forever. i love my father, mostly. and, i might never admit it, but i care about my sister too. i hate her but... yeah. i want her to go away, but i dont want anything bad happen to her either. because im still too fucking soft. i ignore all her abuse. now she hates me again. she bullies me whenever she can... but also tries again to have my attention. its complicated. she's really emotional, she cries a lot. i hugged her when she cried the other day. i wanted to break my own arms for it. i dont want to be around her. but i have to.

the other day i directly told to her, 'you destroyed my life.' she immediately denied. but its my life. that you dont know of. you dont know what you caused me, you dont know what i went through. you destroyed my life. but i still cant help but care about you. you took everything from me. but i still have our connection, and its sacred for me.

as much as i want to cut it off.

yeah. i cried multiple times while writing this. i rememberred a lot of stuff i forgot. i dont think anyone will read my sister story -at least whole that i can remember now- anyway cause its way too long.

and im sorry if you read all this. im a fucking mess. this is just the family part, there is the school part too but i dont know if i'll write that. sometimes i doubt myself, 'maybe im overreacting what i went through. maybe im not depressed and just want attention.' but after this... i, really really dont know what to say. im so done. im so tired. im so fucking tired. i wanted to kill myself since i was ten years old. i almost killed myself a few times. im so tired. its not that i want to die, i realized. its that i dont want to live this. i just want to rest, please. i just need to be alone. far away from this 'family' that will throw me away. im so fucking tired. im so fucking done. im so exhausted of cutting myself and then having to bandage it. having to hide my arm. im so fucking tired of wanting to throw my whole stomach out each time i eat. im so fucking sick of closing my eyes and not being able to sleep.

im so done with my mood swings. im so done with looking at the mirror and seeing someone i dont want to be. im so done with looking at my non-working antideprassants and wanting to overdose on them. im so done with standing on the roof, wanting to jump down. im so done with everything. im so done.

someone save me from this hell this loophole i dont want to be in this pain please i dont want to have to feel this every single fucking day i want to be normal for once i want to feel loved accepted cared about cherished everything i wasnt given as a child

save me

please

its hard to breathe