#MARTYN AND JIMMY FRIENDSHIP!!!!!

[thetomorrowshow]

Whumptober 2 - Trust Issues

title: the end of this road

fandom: traffic smp

cw: abuse, possible eye injury (unconfirmed)

~

When the Listeners first contacted Martyn and Jimmy, back in the days of the Property Police, Martyn had assumed that they were better than the Watchers. More benevolent, perhaps. Not cruel as the Watchers had been.

They'd properly entered his mind at the end of Third Life, but for the most part, they stayed quiet. He felt them, knew they were there, but he didn't do anything about it.

They were probably doing their best to protect him, after all. He didn't mention it to anyone—not to Grian, not to Jimmy, not to Scott, or anyone else who might have had some insight. It really wasn't a problem.

Then Last Life happened, and . . . well, they made their presence known, that was for sure.

Martyn has been with them since Last Life, and he's since revised his opinion on the goodness of the Listeners.

He knows, with a certainty, that they are far worse.

-

Martyn isn't sure when he finally escapes. Too long, too long, too long. He gets stuck on the two words, repeating them again and again, looping them through his brain, because if he's thinking them then at least he knows that the thoughts are his.

Too long. Too long.

He clutches his arms around his knees. His knees. His arms. He can feel them. He can feel them, how terrible is that?

His trembling fingers brush his own skin, a burning touch against his elbow.

They had taken everything from him. They had taken even his own bodily consciousness, and he hadn't known if he still had a body but now he does and he's forgotten how to breathe—

Martyn sucks in a deep breath, chokes on it when he feels his chest expanding.

He doesn't know where he is—his brain is skipping and stumbling over itself, trying to make sense of whatever happened—but he is.

He thinks he is.

He hopes he is.

“Oh! Martyn?”

He flinches away, his hands coming up to cover his ears. They haven't been able to do that in so long. He hasn't had hands in so long.

And everything's been so loud for forever.

Too long, too long.

He Knows the voice, right away, just as they had been teaching him to Know.

OwengeJuice. Owen. Twenty-five years old, six feet tall, his left foot slightly smaller than his right. More, more information on Owen that Martyn doesn’t want to know, that he tries to shut out.

“I’ll get help,” Owen says, his voice grating on Martyn’s ears, and Martyn just gasps in another shuddering breath and sits as still as possible (which is difficult to do when he can feel every inch of himself).

They had him for too long.

Too long.

-

They tried to talk directly to him. They tried, at first, but Martyn’s still getting used to his vocal cords so he didn’t respond.

Now they talk to each other, about him, and they’re so very worried.

“You don’t know where he’s been?”

Grian. Angry, whispered. If they’re trying not to let him hear, it doesn’t matter. Martyn can Hear whispers just as easily as anything else.

“Last I checked, I wasn’t his admin!”

Scott, his tone matching Grian’s.

The problem isn’t that they’re angry. It isn’t that they’re talking about him. It isn’t even that they gave up on talking to him so quickly.

The problem is that Martyn doesn’t know if they’re real.

He wants them to be real. Void above, he wants so desperately for them to be real. But it isn’t the first time that he’s heard the voices of his friends amidst the chaos of noise, and Martyn’s sure it won’t be the last, and he can’t let himself believe again that it’s actually them.

They’ve tricked him so many times. He can’t let his heart break all over again.

“Has he said anything?”

Scott shakes his head. Martyn doesn’t see it, but he Hears it, and that makes it so much worse.

He breathes again, and he hears a tinge of rasp in the breath, as if his throat is trying to make some kind of sound without his permission. Odd, seeing as he keeps failing to make it work manually.

Grian steps closer, raising his voice again. “Um, Martyn? Buddy? How are you feeling?”

It isn’t real. There’s no way it’s real, no way he actually escaped.

It’s been too long to believe it.

Then there’s a hand on his shoulder, a very real hand on his very real shoulder, and he jerks away, knocking his very real head against the wall.

He’s gotten better at muffling the background noise, but for a moment he lets it slip, and he Hears everything from the rush of blood pumping in and out of Grian’s fleshy heart to the clicking of a redstone contraption somewhere far off—

Martyn pulls his defenses back up, swallows back the instinct to dry heave. Swallows. His throat moves, and saliva moves in it. It’s so strange, so unexpected.

“Martyn, can . . . um, can you hear me?”

Martyn swallows again.

He nods. Up-down, up-down. Then he speaks.

“You’re not real,” he rasps, each word said so many times but now on a foreign tongue. “You aren’t.”

“I—yeah, I am—”

It isn’t Grian’s fault that he doesn’t know he’s an illusion. He doesn’t Sound quite like any illusion that Martyn’s experienced over the past however-long, something oddly . . . staticky about him, and Scott doesn’t Sound quite right either but in the opposite way. Scott’s words are crisp, and his movements come with depth, like there’s actually something of substance to him.

“Martyn, are you hurt?” Scott asks, stepping up to stand beside Grian.

There’s something against the skin of his arm where his face should be that isn’t quite his face. It’s a little rough, feels sickly medical, and Martyn finally lifts his real head (if only to get the feeling off his arm).

Grian makes some sort of cringing sound, and Scott sucks his breath in through his teeth.

“I wish you’d just stop,” Martyn manages, every word a battle that he almost loses. “I’m just—I get it, all right, I talk too much, I need to—to learn to Listen, but I’ve heard enough, honestly. I’ve heard my friends try to rescue me too many times. It’s tired, is what it is. Boring. Come up . . . come up with a new torture.”

A pause.

“I am real,” Grian says, and there’s definitely something more to him, something very staticky and not-right. Something he hasn’t Heard in—well, ever. “You know me, Martyn. We’re real, I promise.” Martyn knows that Grian’s a Watcher.

He knows that the Listeners can’t replicate Watchers. It’s impossible. There’s a certain quality to Watchers that they can’t imitate.

So Martyn knows that Grian is the real Grian.

Because he escaped. He has a real body, which he hasn’t felt in so long (too long), he has real hands and a real head and—

“Grian?” he whispers, and he Hears Grian smile.

“Yep,” Grian says. 

He breathes—a sigh, this time, relieved and exhausted and so overwhelmed. He didn’t know he remembered how to sigh. “I—sorry—they’ve had me for so long—”

“Martyn,” Scott interrupts, “what—your eyes?”

He hasn’t had a stomach in so long. It’s weird when it feels like it drops out of him.

He had begged. He had begged, and they had promised. After they had taken every other part of him, he had begged to keep his eyes.

They had held him as close as possible when one didn’t have a body (and he would have leaned into the hold if he could), had promised that they wouldn’t take his eyes, that they would leave them alone.

He had begged.

He’s always been afraid of the dark.

When they took his eyes from him, he had screamed. He hadn’t had a throat anymore, he hadn’t made a sound, but he had screamed anyway. It hurt, it hurt different from everything else, it wasn’t a fading of what he was but precise cuts and stitches that he’d had to watch until he couldn’t see, that he’d had to Hear until it was over.

He hasn’t seen anything. It’s been darkness ever since his body returned.

(He had escaped. They had gotten comfortable in assuming that just because he couldn’t see he would have no way of knowing that they left his communicator within reach. They thought that just because they had taken his hands he wouldn’t be able to grab it.)

Why aren’t his eyes back? If everything else is back, why can’t he see?

“What—” his voice cracks— “Sorry, what do they look like?”

“You’ve got a bandage over them,” Grian says (Martyn Hears disgust, anger, fear—directed at him?). “We can take it off.”

Before he knows that he’s doing it, Martyn’s shaking his head.

“I don’t—don’t,” he says.

What if his eyes aren’t there? What if the dull ache where they should be is exactly what he fears it is? What if the last thing he saw is the last thing he’ll ever see—the destruction of his eyes?

“Does it hurt?” Scott asks, and Martyn shakes his head again.

“Don’t,” he says. “I don’t want to know.”

(They taught him how to Listen. Did they really think he was such a slow learner that he wouldn’t be able to Hear the layout of the room? That he wouldn’t Hear the way out?)

Martyn buries his head in his arms again, hands covering his ears. He can Hear too much. Too, too much.

Too long.

Time moves, slow and stuttering (time was always cold, there, smooth like glass), while Grian talks about protections and magic and whatnot, and Scott leaves to make a call.

He rubs each finger against his thumbs, feeling the cracks of his joints. There’s no calluses. Did he used to have calluses?

Too long, too long.

“Martyn?”

Martyn’s head jerks up.

The one voice that the Listeners had never even attempted to push at him. Back on Last Life had been the first and last time they tried, and it had just sounded like some twisted version of Martyn’s own voice.

That voice is different, inimitable, claimed by a power greater than the Listeners.

Jimmy.

“Timmy?” he whispers disbelievingly, because he knew, logically, that Timmy was alive, but the last time he saw him was his crumpled body in the ditch in front of Mumbo’s base, eyes glassy and unseeing while blood seeped from the gash in his back, and it’s kind of hard to shake that imagery.

Jimmy hurries across the room, falls to his knees beside Martyn, and hugs him.

There’s no warning, and Martyn flinches away at first because it’s a lot of touch for a body that didn’t exist until just a little bit ago, but Jimmy doesn’t let go. He holds him all the tighter, his chin hooked around Martyn’s shoulder.

It makes him feel frightfully, blessedly real.

Martyn sinks into the embrace, his head going limp against him, his arms uncoiling from his knees. The touch burns, almost too-much (too long), but it feels so good in an overwhelming kind of way.

His hands bunch in the front of Jimmy’s jacket—jean, by the feel of it. “This is new,” he mumbles into Jimmy’s shoulder. “What happened to the pajamas?”

Jimmy chuckles thickly. “Ditched that fit. Sorry, I know you loved it.”

“Wish you’d’ve let me burn it.”

This feels right. This feels natural, normal, wrapped around one of his oldest friends, trading long-old jokes, as Martyn’s body relearns how to exist.

“Your eyes,” Jimmy says after a moment. “Do you . . . still have them?”

It’s blunt. Far too blunt.

It’s Timmy.

Martyn just shrugs. “Don’t know. Don’t want to check.”

“We should really check,” Grian says.

Martyn just buries his face deeper into Jimmy’s shoulder.

“We don’t have to,” says Jimmy, rubbing Martyn’s back, slow, up-and-down movements. It’s grounding. It’s the only thing keeping his body tethered here.

“I’ve kind of been through hell,” Martyn says, the words coming out all choked-up. “I don’t—I don’t want to know. Not right now.”

Not after he’s only just become somewhat sure that his body is real. Not when he still isn’t quite solid on the fact that anyone other than Grian and Jimmy exists.

It doesn’t make sense, to have a real body and real Jimmy but everything else not be real, but he can’t quite wrap his head around the fact that he’s made it. It’s hard to trust his own senses after so long of only having one.

Too long.

Right now, he just wants to sit here and at least pretend that the place under his bandages doesn’t sting, that his throat isn’t stuck with emotion that won’t come out his eyes.

He wants to hug Jimmy, and at least pretend that it’s real.

[to-be-a-dreamer]

One of the first things Jimmy had Grian do was say hi to Martyn for him and I'm just expected to be normal about it are you kidding me

[solidwater05]

I'm rewatching Last Life and I'm having so many feelings about the unfairness of it. So many people died, some in battle, some betrayed, some were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. All of them were forced into that situation. There is no mercy for anyone deemed a traitor, but there's also no compassion for those betrayed. just. Ughhhhhhhhh

[smallidarityfan]

Kirie's Endercup MCC live reaction:

Love how Jimmy kept taking the mick on Joel when he killed him in survival games LMAO

^ Was reblogging my live updates but now im gonna edit it in 1 post here they were tho

JOEL JOINED THE LINEUP NEXT TO JIM... 🥹🥹🥹

PILLAGER TRIO (sorry gem) GEMPEARL i meant

IM AN IDIOT ITS EMPIRES IM SO SORRY 😭😭

THEY ACED GRID RUNNERS OHHH MY GOSH...

Love how Jimmy keeps noting down Joel's rank after every game... and commended his improvement since the first half of the game........... hey guys............

And Lime Llamas second?!?!! RIVALRY....... piglinmynose x sniffermyfeet rematch........ GOSH

PURPLE PANDAS WIN!!! YIPPEE!!! That matched the end theme yk!! purple!!!!

No End Update LOL

[the-somwthing]

Poorly describing the life series players to help people pick which pov they want to watch

Grian: acts like he really cares about the rules but he doesn’t

Joel: probably on his red life right now

Jimmy: The Underdog

Cleo: arsonist in a constant state of divorce

Scar: just wants friends and money, but uses money-making tactics to make friends and friendship-skills to make money

Bdubs: extremely devoted, But Watch Out

Tango: least careful guy out there

Impulse: his series never has any form of betrayal in it trust

Etho: watch in real time as his reputation as a cool guy gets washed away

Skizz: wholesome and vicious but tends to mix up when he should be which

Martyn: funnyman lore guy theater kid

Scott: thought this was a house building competition. always killing himself. wins.

Pearl: watch in real time as she slowly goes insane

BigB: adhd but not in the overstimulating way. Watch in real time as he slowly becomes a compulsive liar

Ren: theater kid SUPREME

Mumbo: the least loyal guy in the whole series imo

Lizzie: doing her best to understand what’s going on at any given moment, terrified

Gem: (I wish I had more than one season to go off of) likes to make fun of people

[zhukzucraft]

=====>

Martyn: ...

Martyn: Of course I didn't forget!

Martyn: Jimmy's a big boy though. A Big Man even!

Martyn: Honestly, implying that he needs me there to babysit sounds a lot like partonizing.

Joe: That certainly may be the case

Joe: But I can't help but feel that it also sounds a lot like an excuse.

Joe: And I have a good ear for those.

Joe: What happened to your camaraderie?

Martyn: Oh for Pete's sake, what if I want to be a good comrade by getting us some good loot?

Martyn: Would that suffice, oh arbiter of friendship?

Impulse: Joe, Joe, let me handle this!

Impulse: So, you think you can get the Enchanter, huh?

Impulse: Tell me, has anyone entered the Nether after Scar, Grian and Gem did?

Martyn: Wha-

Impulse: Have they?

Martyn: Well, no?

Impulse: And why do you think that is?

Martyn: Because they're all chicken?

Impulse: ...If you want to be mean about it.

Martyn: I do, actually.

Impulse: Ok, but do you really think you can beat them to it by now?

Impulse: Or compete for the Enchanter with a group of three?

Martyn: ...

Impulse: Tell you what, give me back the booties and I'll split the cave loot with you.

Impulse: We can even go together later!

Impulse: What do you say?

=> Pearl: Enter

Start Over -- Go Back

[raticalshoez]

I just feel the need to get this out there because this has been sitting in my Google Docs brainrot document:

I will always believe that Scar is the saddest, most tragic Life Series character.

I'm unsure whether this is an unpopular opinion or not, but I feel like if I were to ask people who they think the most tragic member is they might say Grian, or Martyn, or Jimmy simply because of #lore implications, but when I'm bored I like to reflect on the Life Series characters and...like...

3rd Life had Grian indebted to Scar, creating a narrative based around loyalty that inevitably had to end in tragedy when they were the last two standing, neither one of them wanting to be to one to lead to the dekise of the other. Everyone knows the origin story of Desert Duo, come on now. I'd argue this is one of Scar's less tragic seasons though because throughout the entire thing, he had the unfaltering loyalty of a person, and that loyalty didn't waver on his end either. One might be tempted to bring up the Bdubs friendship pass, but that was all part of a plan Scar formulated, and Grian just never happened to see the secret message sent to him. All in all, a story of companionship that's only tragic towards the end.

Then, Last Life comes, and he is lonely. People are really quick to point to Joel for being lonely this season, but if anything, I'd describe Joel as manic over just lonely. This whole season, Scar tries to make friends after losing his only one to the curse of a red life. Time and time again he's seen trying to help people, he acts as a life dispenser, and at every turn he us either dismissed and never truly seen as an ally, or he faces death, whether by natural causes or by the hand of another player. In fact, instead of making friends, he seems to make a sworn enemy out of Team BEST. This season is really what kickstarts Scar's progression into being one of the staples of Lonely Characters ™️ of the Life Series, for even his final death is practically alone, with no happy reunions with allies, and no boos from any sworn enemies either.

I could argue this is another case of Scar being faced with lonliness because his once closely knit ally in Grian, has now shown scorn for their new fated bond. Scar is left behind as Grian goes to be with BigB, and out of them two, BigB has the guilt to tell Ren the whole secret soulmate ordeal, but Grian keeps his mouth shut. Scar finds out about the whole situation on his own, bitterly offering gifts for Grian to give, and hanging out with Pearl, the girl who is quite literally the commonly accepted poster child for all aspects of loneliness depicted in the Life Series. In this series, I think Scar gets some sort of closure in Grian and him working together again towards the end of the season, but even so, the two of them die apart, in a way symbolizing the disconnect they had all season long.

Limited Life is quite possibly Scar's happiest season, and therefore I don't really have anything to say about it. I think to some degree, everyone in the Life Series has the ability to be an asshole, and I think every single character is morally grey, and with all that being said I think the person Scar needed most was Cleo. Sure, they enable him to be as chaotic as possible, and yeah, being around Ckeo thus season quite possibly made Scar the snarkiest he's been, but the connection he had with her, and just the Clockers overall was so strong. Yes, there's the whole Etho dad thing, and you could argue that's another tally for Scar's abandonment board, but really, that whole bit has always been more comedic to me than it has been entirely dramatic or angsty.

And everyone knows Secret Life. Once again, Scar finds himself in the role of the lonely merchant, running a shop solo, and constantly trying to make friends, but there is always something stopping him from doing so because something in this world HATES him. Scar doesn't make friends, no, in fact, the Secret Keeper screws him over so much that by the end of this season he is literally embracing the role of a villain. He goes on a killing spree, more successful than he's ever done before, and he finds himself face to face with Pearl, who wants him to take her life. He calls it lame, and not fair because if Pearl's good at the game, she should own it and between me and you personally, I think Scar's just got a soft spot for a fair fight between the last two standing. I think the saddest part of Secret Life is the lack of closure Scar gets because he is the only winner that doesn't get to die and meet in this sort of afterlife where everyone reunites and talks like friends again, as if they all hadn't caused each others' demise. Scar doesn't get that, and is instead stuck in, at least in Martyn's interpretation, an endless loop of pressing that succeed button over and over as he goes mad.

This is a ridiculously long post, but I just NEEDED to get it out of my system. I feel like people could argue the curse of having allies is more tragic because you have to witness their deaths, or you can make the argument that maybe trying to fund the most tragic Life Series character is redundant because with how this game is, everyone is bound to be tragic either way, and to which I say true. I just feel like in a game where it's so natural for people to split up into groups of 3, 4, sometimes even 5, Scar's a character that has ended up alone so many times. It's honestly quite insane. I will always say that Pearl and Joel are the lonely dog girl and lonely dog boy of the series, but if there was ever just...the Lonliest, that title would probably go to Scar.

[thecoolerliauditore]

Very Long Post about Flower Husbands, Interpretation and Character vs Content Creator

This is a toxic flower husbands post. Btw.

I'm not sure when or why it happened but somewhere between limlife and the 24th joelshipping discourse cycle, "flower husbands is toxic" became a mainstream opinion on both here and traffictwt, usually sourcing Scott's ingame words and actions as evidence.

This interpretation has existed within the fandom for a fairly long time, although the words "toxic" and "abuse" were often omitted. Here's one example of a popular post that implied FH was less than ideal for Jimmy.

This does not mean the interpretation was widely accepted, however - hell, I even put this under a cut and warning for a reason. For every toxic FH believer that comes crawling out of the woodwork there comes another post defending their legacy.

For the record, despite what some threads on twt I've read seem to imply: There is nothing morally wrong with liking a mcyt ship regardless of what discomforts other people see in it. There is no explicit "wrong" way to interpret the series. There is no canon. It's fandom shit. It's not that serious.

However, I'm unfortunately abnormal about this series and possibly mcyt as a whole. So I'm forced to grapple with the fact that most non-toxic flower husbands posts seem to either self-contradict or come off as purposefully trying to incite some sort of culture war. As such, here's a list of common arguments I see proposed against the toxic flower husbands interpretation and why I personally don't find them convincing:

The CC Side of Things

Alot of anti-toxic flower husbands posts will accuse toxic flower husbands fans of disliking Scott, the content creator IRL guy, and often imply the interpretation is born out of homophobia -- usually through some variation of the phrase that the interpretation villainzes "the only openly gay CC in the series"

I take issue with this. While Scott is the only homosexual CC in the series, Cleo and Martyn have both been here since 3L and are both very openly queer. Gem has also since joined. You could argue that Scott is The Gayest but that's opening a can of worms in terms of queer discourse I don't think I want to go touching anytime soon.

Even if he was the Only Queer CC In the Series, applying different standards of fanon to Scott just because he is gay feels.. wrong to me. In the same way it's often argued that Jimmy does not need to be babied from his friendship dynamic, Scott too is a grown man who can simply choose to not look at fanart/fanfic if it upsets him, which from what I have personally observed, he hasn't shown any sign of feeling "uncomfortable" by more intimidating or villainous portrayals in the past.

Here's an example of him liking my art that did not paint him in a completely morally good light.

Why can't gay people be calculating? Controlling? Abusive? Why are we applying a higher standard of morality to the gay CC when the rest of the fandom is having the time of their life calling Grian a homophobe, a murderer, calling Scar an arsonist, calling Martyn a loser and pathetic, so on and so forth. Is telling a story about an abusive gay relationship any more "problematic" than telling a story about an abusive straight relationship?

I don't want to imply anything about peoples intentions but it feels sometimes, to me, that the "homophobia" card is being played out of some obligation to protect Scott and his brand rather than out of genuine concern for homophobia in the fandom -- because then, I ask, where is that energy for critiquing the homophobic humour prevalent in CC circles?

I've certainly heard Jimmy make jokes about Scott's sexuality in videos before. Where's the breakdowns of the infamous "I am a straight man and would like to be represented as such" incident from Pirates? Where's that energy for referring to shipping as a "bit" or Etho "gagging" at fanart of him and Bdubs?

I'd even go to argue, in terms of homophobic caricatures, Martyn and Iskall are both often more akin to the classic "gay guy in love with you who won't take no for an answer" stereotype than Scott has been. Martyn at least we know is queer, does it simply not matter in his case? Despite the fact that Martyn is very much more villainized than Scott is, to the point where his Limlife win is often portrayed as maniacal and cackling rather than with the solemn acceptance of Scott's LL win or the heartbreak and regret of Grian's 3L win? Please know that I personally Do Not find these portrayals homophobic (although the Iskall side of things has peeved me in the past), I'm just questioning why homophobia in the fandom seems to start and end with one guy only.

In addition: "internalized homophobia" is certainly a thing, but the vast majority of toxic FH fans in my circle at least are very much gay. We're on Tumblr. Fork found in kitchen. I've seen more than one person express that Scott's behaviour in one or several of the seasons was reminiscent of a toxic or abusive ex, or reminded them of some other trauma. It just seems unkind to me to claim "homophobia" and then turn and tell very gay people talking about their very gay experiences that they are somehow The Problem.

Jimmy Likes It, Though

Often in response to toxic flower husbands posts, people will cite the many times Jimmy has said in the past that he actively requests to be bullied, as part of his youtuber persona, since he finds it funny.

I've always found this kind of strange, since unlike the homophobia claims which 99% of the time are unambiguously about the content creators, this is often said in response to people talking about the series as a story with characters first and foremost.

While the area of interpretation differs for all of us, most people do not choose to include behind-the-scenes youtube talk as part of their storyline, since this detail changes Jimmy's character drastically and impacts the tone of the series overall. So what, they were dropped into a death game arena and Jimmy... told everyone they should bully him, cus he thought it'd be funny? Offscreen, with no interactions or monologue in the series itself even alluding to it? It's kind of awkward to work in and there's really no reason to if what you are invested in is viewing the series as essentially an ultra meta theatre performance.

Now, I personally do work in some out-of-series material into my headcanons and interpretation, so let's say that Is a canon part of Jimmy's character -- maybe he knew the group beforehand and this was their established dynamic, or he simply offscreened it all. Now we have to deal with the fact that this is interpretation and the unreliable narrator aspect of the series.

Jimmy (the character) might've asked for this, but under what circumstances? Why does he want this? Is this really healthy behaviour or is it self-destructive? I never see this explored and instead "Jimmy says it's okay" is treated as word of god, which I find to be painful to deal with when it comes to this series (I'll get to this later).

Even if we throw out the character side of things completely, there are perfectly valid issues to have with this dynamic. I've seen people debating the ethics of presenting this type of humour to a young impressionable audience, I've seen people who find it upsetting because it reminds them of their own toxic friendships. CCs have no authority here, Jimmy does not decide where peoples discomfort starts and ends.

I admit this is a far reach, but indulge me and imagine for a second if the roles were switched and the homophobic jokes about Scott were what was leaned in to but Scott claimed he "liked being bullied". Would that be okay too?

People are Allowed to Dislike the Real Guy, it's Okay

There are plently of reasons to dislike CC!Scott that aren't rooted in homophobia, I can assure you.

Let's put it this way: Scott does not have to read this post if he doesn't want to. In fact, he'd have to actively go out of his way to see it in the first place. The fanfic writers are not calling him an abuser in his youtube comments section. This fandom bullshit is not clogging his notifications.

I don't dislike CC!Scott, I don't love him either but I think he's just kind of your average kind of a loser youtuber guy. But even if someone truly did find him to be the most abhorrent human being to walk the earth, talking about it on tumblr should not hurt him. You often see reminders that Jimmy is a grown man who can speak up if he finds things in videos hurtful, and I'd go on to argue that the same logic is never given to Scott who is, also, a grown man who can control his internet usage.

It's all just Minecraft and jokes

The most buzzkill of all rebuttals, in my opinion, is this argument that toxic flower husbands is "taking it too seriously" and that they are just "friends playing Minecraft".

Like when people bring up Jimmy's behind the scenes request, this confuses me because it is brought up 99% of the time to rebut posts that treat the series as a storyline rather than a youtube playthrough. You can't have the grief of Scott losing his husband and Grian's despaired suicide and Pearl's sanity slippage and still acknowledge that it is all "friends playing minecraft".

In fact I'd even argue flower husbands is pretty non-toxic if you look at it Purely from a friends playing Minecraft perspective, but that is never the case. Scott's grief over Jimmy's death is treated with utmost seriousness, but Scott hitting Jimmy for not listening to him or wanting to "whittle him down to nothing" never is. It's this pick-and-choose that drives me insane more than anything else.

In addition to this, while I might be mistaken, it seems like most FH fans are not super accepting of RPF so I wonder what the intent is in the first place.

Furthermore, I do find it odd when it seems like the issue is that abuse specifically is "taking it too seriously" in a series where murder is pretty much the main theme. Adultery is mentioned multiple times in Double Life. Martyn even says the words "toxic relationship" in Double Life regarding himself and Cleo. It's clearly something that is referenced directly in the series and not any darker than what is already commonly accepted in fanon, so I don't understand why it's such a taboo and gets hit with the "no fun allowed" stick more than Scar being a cannibal serial killer.

With the same logic, I could argue that Scott was serious when he said Jimmy was useless, redundant, etc. and joking when he said he was sad his husband died but. I don't do that. Because that'd be insane

But Scott Loved Jimmy

Onto the stuff that's more purely in-universe, the argument is more uncommon now but I used to see alot of claims that flower husbands couldn't have been toxic because Scott "loved" Jimmy, usually citing the positive interactions the two do have throughout Third Life.

I think this is kind of difficult to talk about because, to me, it comes from a genuine misunderstanding of how abusive relationships work and what they look like. I won't lecture the reader on the theory behind abusive relationships and the trauma bonding cycle but I will say that the good does not balance out the bad and sometimes, context is severely lacking.

E.g. the cake. Late in the series Scott bakes a cake for Jimmy and hides it for him to find. This is a moment that I think is fascinating because it showcases both Scott's genuine care for Jimmy and the sadism he gets out of Jimmy's suffering at the same time. Jimmy is actively afraid of the cake, says to Scott that he thinks it's a trap and tries to get Scott to try it instead because Scott was still on green. Scott simply laughs and pushes Jimmy to try it, later mocking Jimmy for being scared at all.

Scott not taking Jimmy's fear seriously in this scene always seems to get cut out, or is paired with the usual insistence that it's okay because it's a "joke", and the cake itself is what is focused on.

Long story short: Abusers can love and care for their victims, abusers can be romantically attracted to their victims, abusers can feel trapped in the cycle just as much as the victim (e.g. the classic "look what you made me do" wifebeater excuse).

"Home?" "Home." and Word of God

In a similar vein, lots of people point to Scott's Third Life ending as proof their relationship had a happily ever after. This is one example of a trend I see within rebuttals where Scott's word is often treated as canonical Word of God.

Word of God, for those unaware, is the concept in storytelling of communicating definitive, unbiased information to the audience. Some iconic examples would be the Star Wars intro scroll, or any of the "once upon a time..." set-ups in fairy tales. Sometimes a character will temporarily possess Word of God and lose it later, such as Katara's intro narration in ATLA.

The subversion of Word of God would be Unreliable Narrator, where the person telling you the information is, in some way, not to be trusted. Some media play entirely on this concept, the Stanley Parable being one iconic example.

My personal interpretation of the traffic series is that every POV is unreliable narrator, with some being worse offenders (e.g. Scar and Martyn). I feel like it does a disservice to other POVs if you simply take one as Word of God, since some characters really do seem different until you see their side of things (some poignant examples would be Last Life Joel, Last Life Scar and Double Life Pearl). However, I must say again, this is not Correct nor is taking one POV as Word of God Wrong. That's just the rules I'm used to operating under.

So first off, operating within my rules: the "home?" "home." scene only appears in Scott's POV and is never acknowledged outside of that one scene. Jimmy clearly remembers the events of Third Life but never says a thing about him and Scott's shared afterlife (more on Jimmy's behaviour post-3L in a bit) and neither does Scott himself. To me this scene has always been either a tragic dying hallucination or an outright lie Scott invented to cope with the events of Third Life. I don't think there's any reason for me to believe the Jimmy in this scene is really Jimmy.

With that being said: taking the scene at face value as something that actually happened and it being a real afterlife Jimmy and Scott were sent to, there are still sinister elements that go entirely unacknowledged. Scott specifies that the flower valley was decorated to his plans, never mentioning Jimmy's, the same valley he previously insinuated he designed specifically so that he'd be "over" Jimmy.

Including Last Life and beyond as part of canon: this is very much not the "happily ever after" for Scott and Jimmy as. Well. They don't stay there and end up getting thrust into another death game where, again, this scene is never spoken about again and Jimmy only acts more and more antagonistic towards Scott as the seasons progress.

Disregarding Last Life and beyond: there is so much ambiguity that it's hard to take it all at face value, are there any other players in this place? Are Scott and Jimmy doomed to die knowing no one and nowhere else? Can Jimmy walk 15 minutes westward and come across the home of the guy who murdered him? Or is this a paradise where all the players can remain? What about Scott, is he going to go back to treating Jimmy the same way he did when they were both alive? How does he deal with the fact that his dead husband is suddenly back?

I do think this last one (taking Scott's POV as word of god + disregarding everything past this point) is the closest you're gonna get to an entirely non-toxic reading of this scene, but even then you'd have to work with the previous episodes of Scott hitting and berating Jimmy continuously.

Finally, one last issue I take with the "Scott's word = Word of God" interpretation is that it is, once again, inconsistent. If Scott ever says anything to contradict his "good husband" persona it's written off as a joke, but him saying that Pearl "cheated on him" is treated as if she really did commit adultery. There's also things that are just ignored, such as Scott saying "You guys (the audience) are obsessed with flower husbands, when really it's just been me and Pearl," in Secret Life -- words that would imply he really did not care that much for Jimmy.

"Nuance."

I see people just saying the word "nuance" or "scott isn't abusive it's more nuanced" like that's an actual sentence with worth really often. I'm sorry this section is harsh but "nuance" is not an argument, abusers can have nuance, real people are always nuanced and real people can be abusers. To imply that abuse cannot be "nuanced" is a little insulting to me.

Please just say "idgaf" and move on this isn't politics we don't need flower husbands centrism

Jimmy is the Abusive One

This one drives me insane but I see it fairly often and I. honestly don't know what to make of it. Sometimes it's coupled with an insistence that you can make anyone in the cast abusive if you try hard enough which... yeah I, I agree. We're agreeing here.

Seemingly most prominent during Limited Life, there's some claims that people are unfair towards Scott and that Jimmy is the real abuser, but I find the examples of his behaviour weak more often than not because they are usually 1. in direct response to something Scott did, 2. using psychic powers to sense characters motives (such as claiming he is guilt tripping people when he apologizes when nothing suggests that is the case) or 3. behaviour that not only is not toxic, but is very much harmless

Examples of the third one include things such as him refusing to say "love you" back to Scott during Limited Life and Secret Life, which he is not obligated to do. Some people insist he "owes" it to Scott somehow for Third Life which I find not only overestimating how much Scott aided Jimmy during Third Life (Jimmy Did die first, after all) but kind of. Dangerous? To say that you can somehow "owe" another person love and affection if they perform enough chores for you.

Another is the claim that Jimmy acts overly flirtatious with other men which hurts Scott which. I feel like needs an essay or two on slutshaming to make my point clear.

What really does me in is that this point is often paired with the insistence that Flower Husbands Would Be perfect if Jimmy just stopped "acting out" and did what Scott wanted him to. I don't really know how to explain why I find that kind of bad.

To me, it seems as if it's almost an admission that the further away from Third Life you get, the more clear it becomes that Jimmy does not have the highest opinion of Scott and in order for the non-toxic interpretation to still apply you need to stretch things, which often comes with the unfortunate side effect of saying some historically not awesome things about people like Jimmy.

Why Only Scott?

This often comes in hand with the first point about homophobia, with claims that Scott is the only one accused of being abusive to Jimmy, when others like Grian and Joel are the same if not worse.

This is another take that's strange to me because.. It's just untrue? I think it might be the shock of the culture shift of toxic fh that's spearheading this, but most of the smallidarity stuff I've seen, for example, come with some level of acknowledgement that Joel is a massive bitch. Sometimes it's through bully x victim AUs or storylines where he learns the error of his ways, but he's a bitch to Jimmy like. Most of the time.

Solidarian is a much lower sample rate ship for a character with a way too high sample rate but Grian characterization ranges from "pure evil watcher who feeds off suffering" to "previous abuse victim with trust issues". Very few times have I seen Grian presented as purely good in interpretations.

MOST of the jausage stuff I've seen is straight up sausage being. Weird.

There was a hilarious confessions blog anon awhile back that tried to claim shipping scarian was somehow morally wrong because Scar(???) abused Grian(???). It happens.

To add to this: very few of Jimmy's other romantic interests were literally calling himself his "husband" while hitting and berating him. The only other "canon" couple I can think of that come close is Jizzie and the way Lizzie will sometimes hit Joel, but that is primarily outside of the life series and their crimes against eachother in the series are always capstoned by almost cartoonish antics of "still love you, tho" (e.g. Joel putting Lizzie's stuff in a chest after she gets killed by a zombie or them choosing to team up Despite it All near the end of Last Life) -- I have more thoughts regarding them but this isn't the toxic jizzie post so I'll leave it at that.

Very, very rarely will I see someone who believes flower husbands is toxic but thinks joel/grian/fwhip/sausage/etc. are Completely fine. I also think it might just be that people talk about Scott more since Flower Husbands is the Iconic Ship and that gets numbers biased into people Only thinking Scott is bad for Jimmy.

It could also be argued that some of the Double Life pairings have the same level of toxic married couple energy that Flower Husbands does, but I'd argue that the soulbounds have enough variety that interpreting them as wholly romantic is difficult to do. There was also less hype overall with some of the most "toxic" pairings in DL, such as Impdubs or Box Boys, which makes it hard to find content for them -- I did a whole little liveblog of it calling Impdubs toxic as fuck. Y'all just didn't see it. Most of DL's toxic relationship themes also come from divorce quartet but admitting that those four have romantic tension in-universe gets you sniped in this economy.

To end: I talk about Scott more than the other guys because. I like him more. I like talking about people I like.

Conclusion (AKA who fucking cares)

I feel the need to restate my intro: no one actually fucking cares.

I've been talking about inconsistency in the "rules" of interpretation throughout this and I stick by my word but I think I'd have to mention that, in order to view this series as a storyline in the first place, you'd have to make some exceptions. I don't listen to the lines about youtube or viewers or when Grian talks about planning the series. I don't think it'd be Wrong to view Scott's POV as Word of God, disregard everything that implies he's a bad husband, not consider anything past "home?" "home." canon, so on. It would not be an interpretation I, some random asshole on tumblr, enjoy personally but if you're having fun you really should not give a shit about me.

However that doesn't mean people can't be rude or just straight up wrong or hypocritical when they claim toxic flower husbands interpretations are "homophobic" despite being antagonistic towards the gay people writing them in the first place (I've seen a ridiculous amount of middle school level namecalling for like no reason??) or claim that the interpretation is for people who "haven't watched their POV" as if a certain takeaway of a minecraft series presents you with some sense of superiority for understanding the cube guy harder than those horrible, horrible HATERS who think Scott killing himself over and over is sad to watch.

Oh and don't mention Pearl's role in all of this the only time I've seen someone try to bring her up I had to read it like five times and I'm still not quite sure I understand

[elven-kisses]

can we get some martyn and jimmy art looks at you with my large eyes pleadingly … they’re friendship is so silly to me

big dogs RUFF RUFF 🐶 🐶 🐶

[chirp09]

This Double Life Slime Rancher au has been plaguing me for nearly a year now, so I have decided that makes it the problem of trafficblr. *Clears throat*

The story goes somewhat like this:

Pearl, after another explosive argument with her roommate Scott, and grief-stricken by the fallout of their friendship, finally decides that enough is enough, and moves out. Now without a home, and having lost her best friend, Pearl stands at an impasse in her life.

Martyn and Ren can't stand to see their friend like this, and after putting their heads together, suggest Pearl take a trip to the Far, Far Range to recuperate and get a different outlook on life.

Along the- admittedly bumpy- road of becoming a full fledged slime rancher, Pearl meets her share of strange and eccentric Slimes- and people:

Jimmy and Tango are an unusual pair of ranchers. One with a fear of slimes, and one with a passion for the most dangerous kinds. The only thing that might top their strange dynamic is the story Jimmy tells of their first meeting: A man scared of slimes forced to rescue an overzealous slime-enthusiast from a group of boom slimes. Now, if you find your way to the ranch they call home, you'll likely find Jimmy tending to the crops or feeding the animals. If you're looking for Tango, however, you might find him getting into shenanigans with the ranch's Phosphor, Boom and Crystal slimes, or tinkering away in the lab.

If you stray a bit farther, you might stumble upon Scar's Jellie ranch nestled in between trees that frame a lush meadow. Quite a sight to behold, the corals of this ranch are filled with Tabby Largos galore- And hidden behind them, a single, lonely Quantum slime. Scar most prized possession, the odd slime is the last thing left behind by his previous ranch-partner Grian, who left their ranch for better things on earth. Now if only that little slime wasn't such an escape artist....

If you're looking for the elusive Quicksilver slime, Bdubs and Impulse have you covered. Though their volatile nature might throw an ordinary rancher off their game, this rancher duo manage to keep their slimes in perfect check- Though it wasn't always like this. Once upon a time, Bdubs stood before the near-ruins of his inherited family business and nearly considered throwing it all away. Once upon a time, local slime enthusiast Impulse, strapped for cash and prepared for adventure, took up an unconventional commission from a rancher in desperate need of help with his rambunctious Quicksilvers. The rest is history.

If you manage to make your way into the deepest valleys and thickets of the Far, Far Range, and have luck by your side that day, you might catch a glimpse of adventurers Joel and Etho. If you're truly looking to find them, keep an eye out for the nearest source of danger and you might just find Joel chasing around- Or getting chased by- a group of his favorite Saber slimes.

If literally anyone even read this far and is interested in this very self-indulgent au, I will gladly elaborate. For those who follow me for my statistics: I am definitely down to make some Wild Life statistics.... Once I am not horribly busy and overwhelmed anymore. So (hopefully) stay tuned for that.

Enjoy my brainrot and have a Phosphor slime :)

[blueishspace]

Ok, ok...

Au where the multiverse is a library where every universe is a book and the mcyters are embodyiments of either tropes/styles/types of universes/fanfiction tags/ecc...

Like, the main tone quartet:

Mumbo - Fluff.

Grian - Angst.

Scar - Hurt/Confort.

Martyn - Humour.

The secondary style deities:

Bdubs - Cartoony.

Etho - Noir.

Ren - Political Intrigue.

Pearl - Horror.

BigB - Psychological horror.

Cleo - Thriller.

Oli - Crack.

Joe Hills - Poetic / Philosofical.

Or the setting six:

Scott - High Fantasy.

Jimmy - Urban fantasy.

Tango - Historical/Steam punk.

Impulse - Futuristic/Sci-fi.

Skizz - Modern.

Zed - Superhero.

Perhaps the rulers of pairing:

Gem - F/F

Sausage - M/M

Lizzie - F/M

Joel - Multi.

Keralis - Queer platonic relationships.

Jevin - Friendship.

[halfsixwakeup]

REAL LIFE BRAINROT TIME

Starting off, yes, I know it's a joke Season. I'm sure lots of people will discard it when discussing Life Series Lore™ either because they don't think it belongs or it's just too messy trying to explain it away. That's perfectly valid. However, I have a counterpoint: Fuck You Cleo Win.

First off, the groupings?? Dogwarts, DesertDuo, Gem&Joel, and the long-awaited return of Gaslight-Gatekeep-Girlboss? Fucking stunning. My life expectancy has increased by 1,000 years. So many silly group interactions too; the Macerena, the Hokey Cokey, various hugs and kisses, everyone sucking at combat. Absolutely stellar.

Jimmy Solidarity is finally fighting back against the canary allegations and he's winning!! 7th place? Absolute king, we love that for him.

And of course, CLEO WIN HELL YEAH

I have been hoping for this since Last Life, and I am so happy. And despite the whole thing only being three hours, there's still some fun story-type stuff for her? Mainly in their friendship with Pearl and Scott. They met up early on, gave each other flowers, danced together. They all swore loyalty to the GGG alliance, 'Us three til the end.' They danced more, they hung out, they fought together. Then Cleo stabs Pearl in the back, literally. Gem and Martyn are still alive, they could've hunted them down. But instead, Pearl falls first. Then once the others are gone too, Cleo and Scott are the only ones left. There's no hesitation in their fighting, but there's also no malice; they spin and struggle and laugh as Scott falls too. Cleo feels no remorse, and her allies feel no betrayal. Because for once they know that everything is going to be okay.

In summary: Cleo stays on top, this season is canon, fight me.

[linmmelonz]

Guess the Build Quotes Part Three

“Ohhh! That’s sweaty! Ok! You are sweaty!” Gem

“This is a fairly simple build isn’t it?” Grian

“We gotta fill this man in!” Jim

“I didn’t realize that’s the way you were going!” Jim

“I fat fingered it!” Martyn

“If we add this it’s just-we can’t add this!!” Gem

“GET RID OF THESE GEM GET RID OF THESE!!” Joel

“What the crap is this?!?!” Skizz

“Right, do you know what? We did something didn’t we? We did something Skizz!” Jim

“Well done everyone! Except for Skizz and Jimmy what the heck was that?” Joel

“Get it together Skizz!” Gem

“Oh he’s getting swole!!” Joel

“Hehehehe you love it!” Skizz

“Just do what Gem does, and be great!” Skizz

“SKIZZ! What have we done Skizz!?!? Skizz! You’ve broken me!” Gem

“What in living- WHAT IS THIS?!? EXCUSE ME!?!” Joel

“The memory loss can’t be affecting you yet you’re still young! And hip!!” Gem

“These colors…evoke nothing.” Grian

“Hope you’re ready ‘cause I’m not. Ok, come over here against this wall.” Joel

“You see Skizz this is a new trick for you. See how we give people arms?” Gem

“Boys!” Gem

“OH MY GOD YOU DID IT! That is SO GOOD Skizz” Gem

“She acts like I’m splitting the atom!” Skizz

“And I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS!!” Skizz

“You fools don’t know your baseball!!” Jim

“I can’t tell him that he’s naked!!!” Jim

“It’s Clippy’s evil twin!” Grian

“Duh nuh nenenene dur nuh nenenene!” Grian

“Would you steal a car?” Jim

“Skizz we kept this so American for you! We’ve got baseball, basketball, a mutant in the bed!!” Grian

“Another successful chunk of madness and the friendships stay intact!” Skizz

“I hate you guys. Genuinely.” Jim

[tubbytarchia]

In my head I'm constantly rotating around the idea of Ranchers and Pearl... This is largely unfounded but I just. can't help it... I just think they'd make such a cute trio and it's what all of them deserve in DL especially. Further thoughts below but please also have this from Pearl's POV

I have never been able to stop thinking about how Pearl was the first person to genuinely help the ranchers when they requested it, and the way she only asks for food in exchange because she's hungry, gets some steak thrown at her and she immediately gobbles it up. Then Pearl watching them try their best to get goat horns, doesn't even judge them for their complete incompetence (does snicker to herself a little but that's just cute), offers to try it herself, gets it immediately followed by Jimmy's unbridled joy and Tango's unbridled praise

Then Jimmy went and broke my heart by shooing Pearl away in session 3 like everyone else </3, but then pearl comes back later offering him a horse and this time she only asks for friendship in exchange <3. But then she HAD conversed with Scott before and Scott basically just said "I've emotionally reduced Jimmy into nothing before and you can too". In the end Jimmy gives her the horn that she got for him in the first place </3 Then Pearl and Martyn steal the horse back but Pearl pretty quickly feels remorseful and returns to Jimmy to once again ask for friendship in exchange for the horse. Jimmy refuses but Pearl gives him the horse anyway and RAHH Jimmy being genuinely surprised like, baby... he just doesn't expect much at all from anyone at this point does he lol. And Pearl all "No, that's not me, I felt too bad" and Jimmy still asking for reassurance "You sure? Are you sure?". Then they kind of established a friendship before parting ways when Pearl admitted she no longer had Jimmy's horn (had given it to Martyn already)

So obviously that didn't amount to much, they didn't interact a lot before Tango and Jimmy died but COME ON THEY'D BE SO CUTE... The ranchers who are most everyone's laughing stock and Pearl who has been largely ostracized for not even doing anything wrong, and completely alone. Except she does have Tilly, she loves her dogs and she also ushers a donkey into her tower all "here you go my little lovely", ALSO housing Oreo, the very horse that'd been traded back and forth and that the ranchers had so desperately wanted. Oreo WAS left there by Scar because he had to make a swift escape from the top but... you know. Anyway point is I think her and the ranchers have a little bit in common in that, I could totally imagine Pearl enjoying taking care of the animals. Also don't forget how she was struggling for food in the beginning just like the ranchers. But they managed to make do because they had each other, unlike Pearl. So the ranchers could give her supportive company!! Can you imagine how delightful they'd be towards her... The same way Jimmy would usher Tango into the ranch as he fled from mobs, scared and starving

That's about it but PLEASE. SURELY I'm not the only one who can see this. Ranchers housing Pearl would be the absolute cutest, they don't judge each other etc... Imagine an AU in which she does score a proper allyship with them, finally finding happiness in some human company only for them to die first and Pearl being left all alone again with all the other Lifers who considered her crazy

[thatstoomanysausages]

I know it’s pride month but gaddamn 😟(Tomodachi Life):

- the aha-husbands have had a fight guys 😔

- I walked in on Skizz, Scar and Grian all doing yoga together🔥 the squeaking of their joints is very promising

- I’m making all of Skizz’s phrases “hey budday ;)”

- The phrases are hard to think of okay

- I have given Mumbo three fuckinf piece of clothing and he’s hated them all

- He can solve this argument himself, the bitch

- Reject my gifts

- And he’s asleep.

- JOE PLAYING MATCH MAKER

- “I THINK SCAR NEEDS A SPECIAL SOMEONE

- HOW ABOUT GRIAN”

- JOE I FUCKINF LOVE YOU

- SCARIAN WNDGAME PLEASEEEEE

- Joe watching through the windows is so unserious

- “Let’s go out again sometime” YEHAHHHHHHHHHH

- OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD

- Patience is a fuckinf virtue people

- It’s canon

- Scar is officially marked as Grian’s special someone

- Let’s hope to god nothing goes WRONG

- Never been so shaky making sure I save the last few minutes of playing

- So far the only canon couple that has a high rating on compatibility is Ren and Pearl (84%)

- Jimmy and Joel are staying at a solid 59% and Grian and Scar at 64%😭😭

- Joel’s hair is now fucking green

- He literally asked me

- It’s not my fault he looks like a bellend now

- They’re gonna propose soon I know it and I’ll be shitting myself👍

- GUYS SKIZZ AND TANGO ARE BESTIES YEAHHHHHHHH CANONNNNNN🔥🔥🔥

- Me and Grian are playing a matching game and Mumbo’s face came up and Grian just went “seeing Mumbo’s face really put me off” 😭😭😭 PLEASEEEE

- Grian got a letter from someone to meet them on the roof😭😭

- It’s scar😭😭 “you’re not the person I wanted to see so you can go” HUHHH WHAT IS GOING ON

- Wait he had brown eyes I have no idea who that was

- They might have been green I have no idea😭 so many of them have the same hair and looks man

- I’m gonna make poultry man next

- Scar and BigB friendship💪💪

- Have I mentioned Scar and Martyn are besties I think I have but yeah🔥

- REN HAS LOVE ISSUES

- YOURE MARRIED MAN EHATS HAPPENJNG

- A CHILD

- GUUS

- GUYS

- GHYS

- BABY

- GE WANTS TO HAVE A CHILD

- WITH PEARL

- AURGHHHH😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

- Impulse has yellow hair now

- French fry lookijg bitch💔💔

[good-chimes]

In honor of Life series four, Life Series Bake Off AU

NEW SERIES LAUNCHES:

Nation charmed by fresh crop of 12 amateur bakers including intensely competitive student GRIAN, ambitious cake artists BDUBS and SCAR, scientific bread experts TANGO and IMPULSE, and ETHO who has no discernible social media presence and, rumor has it, doesn’t officially exist. Married couple JOEL and LIZZIE raise eyebrows—will they be able to compete against each other?—but this is settled when Lizzie immediately announces she would murder Joel in real life to win and has bought the kitchen knife set for it, and Joel lovingly declares he keeps an axe under his pillow in case this happens.

The judges as usual are renowned cake chef PEARL, bread expert MUMBO, and our two inimitable presenters: BIGB, beloved by the nation for his gentle reassurances of weeping contestants, and MARTYN whose main contribution is his trademark eyebrow waggles as we find out from the judges who’s in trouble this week.

TART WEEK (1)

Tart week gets off to a strong start, with contestant REN charming both the judges and Martyn with his exquisite tarte au citron and his total inability to let a double-entendre go to waste (‘I’m just a tart triumph all over’ he proclaims, to Martyn’s immediate delighted riposte ‘Mm, but what do you do on the weekends?’). Law student JIMMY is not so lucky when a misreading of the recipe leads to ten times the correct amount of butter and a catastrophic oven meltdown. Star baker goes to early favorite BDUBS for an exquisite three-tier tart showstopper.

Week one elimination is, of course, the hapless Jimmy, and the recaps are united on two fronts: it's always nice to see someone on the show who reminds you of your own midnight experiments, but holy shit Jimmy, did it not give you a clue when the melted butter started pouring out of the oven like you’d stabbed the spirit of margarine to death in there. Jimmy's butter meltdown becomes a meme and he sells T-shirts; Joel immediately posts a picture wearing one.

CAKE WEEK (2)

Week two brings cake week and an impressive performance from SCAR, who embarks on a showstopper Baked Alaska in the shape of a snow-covered mountain. Tranquil in the face of GRIAN’S constant disparaging comments about his whisking technique and browned meringue, Scar perseveres and is crowned star baker for the week, while Twitter immediately declares Grian the villain of the season. A contingent of viewers theorising ‘could this be flirting’ are swiftly shouted down on social media and retreat to a dedicated subthread on a cookery forum.

Last week’s star baker BDUBS seems distracted by his new-found friendships with the quiet ETHO, who spends hours on the surprisingly unambitious Victoria Sponge. A conspiracy theory emerges that Etho invented the Victoria Sponge, refuted by weak counterarguments like “cannot possibly be true” and “he would have to be several hundred years old.” Meanwhile the nation is won over by JOEL and LIZZIE’S chemistry as they trade quips and spatulas, unfortunately Joel is eliminated after a jam mishap, at which he declares “at least I went out after Jimmy.”

TEA-TIME WEEK (3)

Tea-time week brings florentines and shortbread, but it’s a sad week for love as REN is out after his overambitious scones fail to impress. “I’m heartbroken,” Martyn announces, and cannot be consoled even by Scott’s superb showstopper petite-fours. Ren was a good sport to the end, everyone agrees. Ren spotted at a Covent Garden coffee shop with Martyn three weeks later.

HALLOWEEN WEEK (4)

The mood is jovial for Halloween week, with judge MUMBO in fake vampire fangs while ETHO bakes cookies in the form of anatomically correct skulls. LIZZIE starts off with adorable witch-hat cupcakes in little witch hats, then spends the rest of the episode precisely and effortlessly crafting a blood red mirror glazed sachertorte which the presenters refuse to look at because it “makes them uncomfortable”, and is subsequently awarded star baker for the most genuine aura of threat ever achieved by a cake.

Meanwhile GRIAN and SCAR continue to genially snipe at each other throughout. TANGO asks BDUBS to turn his oven off at a crucial moment; unfortunately Bdubs forgets and then blames Tango for relying on him, leading to the charred mess of Tango’s showstopper and a social media uproar dubbed “OvenGate”. Bdubs alternately sorrowful and dramatically dismissive. This cruel betrayal knocks Tango out of the tent; a public petition is started for his reinstatement.

WEDDING WEEK (5)

Puppet theater designer CLEO has her star turn in wedding week with ranks of beautiful marzipan figurines on all her bakes. An intense rivalry develops between her and wedding-enthusiast BDUBS, who declares his magnificent fondant confection a dry run for his impending marriage to ETHO, a stranger he met ten days ago. When asked by presenters how much of this is a joke, Etho laughs and says “I guess?”, which leaves the nation none the wiser. Unfortunately IMPULSE’S canapes are considered uninspired and he is uninvited from both the wedding reception and the series.

BREAD WEEK (6)

The feared bread week comes around and all the artistic cake-makers wobble badly. SCAR and GRIAN just scrape through, but CLEO’S triumph last week turns to tragedy despite the trouble she has gone to to model a realistic centaur out of sourdough. Bdubs makes an impromptu speech to camera about how she was robbed but he intends to triumph in her honor.

MEDIEVAL WEEK (7)

The experimental medieval week takes the bakers on an outdoor camping trip where they will attempt to build their own stoves and use them to replicate historical bread techniques. BDUBS’S enthusiasm for this and his drive to impress ETHO turn out to be his downfall as, distracted, he builds a stove that bleeds heat and fails to brown his bread. Etho meanwhile excels at both the survival and breadmaking aspects, leading to a divide on Twitter on whether this level of competence is hot or just very concerning, potentially the cake equivalent of a serial killer. The Victoria Sponge theory is raised again. Etho alleviates some concerns by getting lost three times in an open field over the course of the episode, which loses him enough baking time that dark horse SCOTT pips him to the post of star baker.

WINTER WARMTH WEEK (8)

Week eight arrives and five bakers remain: LIZZIE and SCOTT are known to be good all-rounders, ETHO is the reigning technical expert, SCAR remains the favorite on the cakes side, and GRIAN is mainly known for his habit of constantly sneaking spoonfuls of Scar’s cake mix so he can mock the taste. Social media opinion is divided into “Grian is a good baker actually”, “Grian is only still in because of executive meddling”, and the small but determined contingent of “no guys we really think they’re flirting??” who have emerged from their cookery subthread unbowed and with compilations of video evidence.

The set gets cozy with winter warmth week. Brandy-based showstoppers are the order of the day, and LIZZIE wins the episode by crafting a biscuit unicorn with a mane you can set on fire. ETHO invents an intricate brandy plumbing system to shoot flaming alcohol above his plum pudding—this attempt is in fact a good deal too successful and instead sets MARTYN’S hair on fire. GRIAN comes to his aid but ends up adding more brandy. Judge PEARL extinguishes the flames with a bowl of cinnamon milk. The judges are clearly not feeling merciful when it comes to the scores and Etho’s run comes to a premature end.

DOUBLES WEEK (9)

Some old favorites return for doubles week, where each of the remaining four bakers is helped out by an eliminated contestant on the other end of the phone. GRIAN for once assesses the limits of his own talents and asks to pair up with ETHO, a plan that immediately pays off when the contestants are challenged with a tricky technical that sees them baking the perfect pumpernickel bread. SCAR, having asked to pair up with BDUBS, is quickly underwater as neither of them understand yeast.

Scar’s floundering proves too much for Grian, who belligerently passes along his pumpernickel tips from Etho, saving Scar’s technical enough for him to scrape through. When challenged by Martyn, Grian grudgingly admits, “I just want Scar to stay in, okay?” Some recaps clear him of his villain status; others are still convinced it’s a fluke.

Meanwhile SCOTT turns in an efficient technical with help from CLEO and also JIMMY, who is apparently sitting in Cleo’s living room just to heckle Scott. LIZZIE calls on husband JOEL, but a combination of overconfidence and flirting distracts them both, leading to a burnt crust and Lizzie’s elimination from the final four.

MERINGUE WEEK (Final Episode)

In the finale, SCOTT, SCAR, and GRIAN face off over a series of escalating meringue-based challenges. Whatever alliance sprung up between Grian and Scar in the last episode is clearly water under the bridge as the two of them obsessively steal each other’s ingredients and annoy each other into trivial mistakes. This escalates into a noisy quarrel over the main challenge of the week: an edible diorama of a cactus ring. Scar’s attempts to ‘aesthetically correct’ Grian’s mountain diorama leads to Grian melting his sugar-spun cacti with a crème brulée torch.

The two are no longer speaking by the showstopper, where Grian embarks on a desperate attempt to make up points with an ambitious trifle in a castle-shaped wall of macarons while Scar builds his own grand macaron diorama. The clock ticks down. Scott is creating an impeccable strawberry pavlova. The trifle is going badly. Grian is covered in sugar and regret. BigB pats him reassuringly on the shoulder.

At the last moment, Scar sacrifices half his perfect macarons to donate to Grian’s diorama. Grian, for once lost for words, grabs his apron and kisses him right in front of Martyn’s swiftly-derailed countdown. “Grian had a beautiful artistic vision,” Scar says sentimentally afterwards. “You have to respect the craft!” They snog behind the tasting table. Mumbo gamely attempts to award points. Pearl in a laughing fit behind the cameras. Martyn and BigB solemnly wrap up the shot with Martyn’s best cake-based innuendoes. Grian and Scar do not notice.

Scott wins the series. He got so many more points on the cactus ring technical.