#Lucretia Garfield

[deadpresidents]

I'm not joking -- I actually check IMDB every few days to make sure this is still real:

I mean, that's about as tailor-made for my entertainment as it can get. Not only are we getting a movie about this story, which I've been waiting for years for, but we're getting Offerman as President Arthur, Michael Shannon and the amazing Betty Gilpin as the Garfields, and Tom Wambsgans as Charles Guiteau! Matthew Macfadyen is certainly not the first person who I'd think of to play crazy-ass Guiteau, but I'm sure he'll be incredible because he's always great. Plus, Matt Ross is really good too -- as a director and as an actor -- so I'm glad to hear he's involved.

Please get made, "Death by Lightning".

[presidentialconfessions]

first lady yuri

[angelkeitai]

they're so dog and cat coded

[jacksdollhouse]

Lucretia Garfield

[the0retically]

Thinking about how Lucretia missed her family so much that she replaced them, was it intentional? Was it by accident and only after months and years of being near them did she realize their similarities

Did she hear a violin playing and think Lup was back before remembering it’s just Johann practicing?

Did she see the way Killian fought and rushed into battles, using herself as a shield to protect others and think of Magnus?

Did she keep Lucas around because he reminded her so much of Barry and she couldn’t bare to leave him even though he wasn’t a full member of the Bureau?

Did Avi’s laid back nature and willingness to help bring a lighthearted air to stressful situations remind her of Merle?

Did Garfield’s flair remind her of Taako and even through his craziness she couldn’t bare to not have him on the base?

[fictionadventurer]

You see this?

This is what the handwriting of an overachieving penmanship instructor who wants to impress a girl looks like.

The bar is too high.

Me, every single time I see my ever-deterioriating chicken-scratch handwriting: Don't think about James Garfield, don't think about James Garfield, don't think about James Garfield

[barry-j-blupjeans]

Angus was a good detective. The best detective, if he could say so himself. Good enough for the Goldcliff Militia, good enough for the Bureau of Balance. But there were still mysteries that completely eluded him. Sure, joining the Bureau had cleared some things up. But it also opened up so many more questions. Angus could— and has!— filled several notebooks up with things he wanted to figure out. But right, his most pressing concern was this.

"What do you— what do you mean he was just here?" Angus said, looking away from his notes at last.

The Director was sitting behind her desk, sunk deeply into her chair. She wore a look deep… something. Angus couldn't quite place his finger on it. But it didn't matter right now.

"He was just here," the Director said again, shrugging.

"Is he—he's not inoculated?"

"As far as I'm aware," the Director said, "and I am very aware of who is and isn't inoculated— he has not been."

"How can he live up here—?"

"Who's to say he's alive?" the Director asked.

"…fuck," Angus said. Okay, new page. He started scribbling stuff down. He'd have to look into undead beings more— ooh, maybe Mr. Taako could put him in contact with Mr. Kravitz, he had been wanting to ask a few things about his whole job and purpose and such. Back on topic, Angus, back on topic. Okay. The Bureau's library was probably his next best bet and if not, maybe the Militia's library, since he still had that passcode.

"If I may speak honestly," the Director said, leaning forward. She moved a few sheets of paper aside. "I don't give a fuck how he got up here because, quite frankly, I hate speaking to him. The less we interact, the better. Have you heard his voice? The man sounds like a violin that got beat into a pile of chopsticks. It's not—"

"So you just let him stay?" Angus interrupted, appalled.

"Garfield the Deals Warlock is not a force to be reckoned with, Angus," the Director said gravely. "Sometimes, the easiest way to solve a mystery is to stop thinking about it."

"Well, yeah," Angus said. "But he's— isn't it a security risk, ma'am? If he can get up here, then who's to say someone else couldn't? Someone like— like a Red Robe, or—"

"Angus," The Director said, looking him in the eye. "There are no Red Robes on the moon."

"That you know of," Angus said.

"That I know of," the Director allowed. "But I can one hundred percent assure you that Garfield is not a Red Robe."

"He has the magical ability—"

"He's as much of a Red Robe as you are, Angus," the Director said. "So unless you have something to share—"

"I was— it was a goof, Madam Director," Angus said. "I'm— I'm not a Red Robe." A pause. But could he be? If the Voidfish could erase the memories from his head about the relics, then maybe. But, no— no, Angus had been a baby. He couldn't make a weapon of mass destruction as a baby.

"Mine was also a goof," the Director said, cutting into his thoughts. Oh. Right. Okay. "Angus, I do very much enjoy chatting with you, but I do need you to get out of my office. I'm afraid to say that I have a spa appointment with Merle this afternoon and I need to mentally prepare myself. I think it would be wise for you to stop investigating Garfield and resume looking for another Relic."

"Of course," Angus said. "But if I happen to find anything about Garfield being a— maybe like a lich, or—"

"Can't be a lich," the Director said. "He'd just get blasted off the ding-dang moon."

"I'm— I'm sorry?" Angus asked.

"It really is time for you to go," the Director said, standing. A few of her bones popped and she grimaced. "I believe you left off with the, uhm, the Temporal Chalice, correct? That is— that's a pretty big one." She rounded the desk, doing a sweeping motion with her hands as if to say "shoo!". "I'm sure you can manage, though."

"Of course, I can," Angus said. "I'm the—"

"World's greatest detective," the Director said. "So you've said— and proven, too. Expect a hefty bonus around, uh— midsummer. Or thereabouts."

The Director showed Angus to the door.

"How big of a bonus?" Angus said, shutting his notebook.

"Well, it'll ruin the surprise if I tell you now," the Director said. "Have a good day, Detective McDonald."

"Have a good day, ma'am," Angus said. She shut the door behind him.

Angus love being a detective. That's part of why he was so good at it. But it seemed like every time he and Madam Director spoke, he ended up with more questions than answers. Maybe she was right. They had bigger problems than whatever Garfield the Deals warlock was. Or used to be, if that was anything. He should get back to finding the Chalice.

He paused, opening his notebook again.

It wouldn't hurt to look up more about liches, though. Just in case.

[incorrect-zone-quotes]

Best TAZ Balance NPC Poll Round 3!

The matchups are once again randomized so please don't yell at me.

Angus McDonald vs Garfield the Deals Warlock

Lucretia vs Killian Fangbattle

NO-3113 vs Sloane

Roswell vs Davenport

Steven the Goldfish vs Lup

Clint McElroy (the Plane Walker) vs Barry Bluejeans

Jenkins vs Avi

Carey Fangbattle vs Kravitz

[cataztrophi]

Someone please make this with Lucretia and Garfield the Deals Warlock

[Image ID: a three-panel Garfield comic strip. In the first panel, John is holding a telephone and says "He WHAT?!" while Garfield lays down nearby. In the second panel John says "Could you hold for a moment? I have another call coming in... thanks." In the third panel, John has a shocked look on his face and says "He WHAT?!" in larger font to indicate shouting. Garfield looks at the viewer with a smug expression. A thought bubble above his head says, "I've been a busy boy." End image ID.]

[pharaoh-ferrous]

it's one thirty in the a.m. and all I can think about is my taz balance au

[herbgerblin]

Garfield the deals warlock: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “voidfish ichor” 😳💊 you’ll be knowing what they don’t want you to know 💯👨‍💻

Tres horny boys: yeah whatever. i don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude we gotta stop the hunger from eating the universe

The red robe hovering ominously in the corner: Lucretia is lying to you

[deadpresidents]

The Death By Lightning casting was updated. Any thoughts on Shea Whigham as Conkling and Bradley Whitford as Blaine?

I'm a huge fan of both Shea Whigham and Bradley Whitford, so I'm all for them being involved even if I don't see either of them as Conkling and Blaine. I'm just glad that the series is being stretched out enough to include Roscoe Conkling and James G. Blaine. Also, Kate Chase Sprague and Blanche Bruce! If we're getting Kate Chase Sprague as a major character, that means it's probably going to get into her relationship with Conkling...and any story featuring more Roscoe Conkling is bound to be entertaining.

Also, is there a law that was passed that requires Michael Shannon and Shea Whigham to always be cast together? I'm not complaining. I like both actors. I'm just curious.

[umbraastaff]

More TAZ Balance speedrun exploits:

With the new glitch to get the Light at the start of any cycle, you can now technically enact Lucretia's Shield on the Hunger anywhere before Faerûn for any%. However, this hinges on the given world being able to defeat the Hunger in the final battle. The earliest success so far is at Legato, if you get the arts students to tap into their rage.

You can use RNG manipulation to get the Slicer of Tapir-Weir Isles to appear on your first Costco run, though this is only useful if you're doing the Garfield Ending (why) or on NG+.

Barry can use a multiclassing slot to learn Lup's double jump ability in Cycle 23. Then on Faerûn, you can use the Infinite Jump glitch to get Barry to the Moon (bypassing the lich barrier by being alive), which causes the game to skip to Reunion Tour. However, the number of perfect inputs this requires in a row means this is considered impossible outside of TAS.

You can do a Reunion Tour skip as early as Phandalin, however. A few years before Gerblins, you can glitch lich!Barry into the Dryad Tree area of Goldcliff. You're not meant to get there until the end of Petals to the Metal, so everything's there, including the Love buff you can get standing near the tree. Barry can then get a second stack of Love (normally impossible) by going to Magnus' wedding. Then you immediately have him resurrect in his body, which freezes all buffs he has in lich form. If you then keep him alive until Phandalin, when the fire kills him, he'll have both stacks of Love plus his own innate bonus. The game won't let Barry possess party members, but since the Gauntlet isn't technically equipped by anyone, he can possess that. The OP Love buff slows the Relic Corruption debuff to a crawl, which keeps him there long enough to pass through the Moon barrier and, again, trigger Reunion Tour.

Taakitz% players figured out that Barry can do a mass zombie-raising at the Glamour Springs graveyard the night before the show, which gets Kravitz on the scene and causes him to meet Taako. Like all crime scenes, this also has a 5% chance to spawn Angus and jumpstart the Magic Mentor quest.

[mooselybased]

And there we have it, all thirty fighters from our hypothetical Adventure Zone platform fighter. I've loved making these, and may return to add some "DLC" at some point (gotta get the Steeplechase player characters, right?), but for now we're gonna leave it here.

12 Balance reps, 6 Amnesty reps, 5 Graduation reps, 4 Ethersea reps, and one each from Dust, Commitment, and Dadlands. Let me know who you'd main, what you'd like to see as hypothetical DLC for this hypothetical game, or any other thoughts!

Links to individual movesets under the cut, and I'll see y'all next time!

Magnus Burnsides | Taako | Merle Highchurch | Killian & Carey | Kravitz | Lup

Lucas Miller | Barry Bluejeans | Klarg | Roswell | Lucretia | Garfield the Deals Warlock

Duck Newton | Aubrey Little | Ned Chicane | Minerva | Mama | Arlo Thacker

Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt | Argo Keene | The Firbolg | Demon Prince Gray | Rainer Michelle | | Augustus Parsons

Amber Gris | Zoox | Devo la Main | Urchin | Kardala | Dad Squad

[pranklinfierce]

you're having a party, which presidents are you inviting?

Good question, very fun. I'll invite all of the ones I like, and whichever ones I'd like to see in a party setting.

James Madison is chronologically the first that I would invite. I think it'd be funny to see him at a party. I think of "nearly gets trampled on the dance floor..." I, myself, will trample him unless he brings Dolley.

Jackson is invited and I hope he leaves cheese around the house in secret spots like he did at the end of his presidency.

Van Buren is invited unless @presidenttyler continues to insist that I have to marry him or he'll summon a deadly fog (please die, Mr. Tyler.)

I would invite William Henry Harrison, but tragically, as I'm sure we've all heard, he is no longer with us </3.

John Tyler is invited unless he tries to insist I marry Martin Van Buren lest a deadly fog be summoned. Also I swear to God he's not allowed to use my bathroom. I hope he and Jackson start fighting (no weapons allowed in my house) and I get to see their skinny bones fall out.

James K Polk is invited. I want him to bring his Lady Presidentress as well. Double invited if he is the presidentress.

Zachary Taylor is invited. His daughter can come too. His daughter's husband cannot come. His daughter's husband's dog, Bonin, can come. The murderer who shares a name with Zachary Taylor's daughter's husband's dog cannot come.

Millard Fillmore is invited. He can bring the whole boiler room with him. It wouldn't be a party without him.

Franklin Pierce is invited, of course. As an old @/deadpresidents posts that I can longer find clarifies, he would indeed be a welcome party guest, even if people on Reddit don't seem to think so (I have beef with 90% of reddit tier lists, save for any of them made by @starlight-tequila.) As I've come to understand, there're no less than 4 fictional interpretations of Pierce where he's being haunted. I request he keeps the haunting at home; I don't want the watchmojo demmons to mess up the vibe.

James Buchanan is invited. I want to see him in his worst outfit, behaving as he did at Dickinson before his expulsion. He needs to bring Harriet too. WRK too, unless I decide that he's also dead.

Andrew Johnson can come because I once saw an image of him smiling.

Ulysses Grant can come. He may play with the non dog animals (unfortunately, they're all just different Martin Van Buren government assigned rodentsonas in a pen.)

As can Hayes. Hayes can bring his wife, Lucy. She actually allowed drinking in the White House on special occasions, so she would not be a party pooper.

Garfield may come, but only as Lucretia's plus one. It's what he deserves. Since Guiteau did so much for Garfield's election (and was basically the president, let's be real, guys) he can come as an honorary president. So can David Rice Atchison, even though that story is complete bs. Dr. Doctor Bliss will be shot on sight by Boston Corbett.

Arthur is invited, but Julia Sand needs to pre-approve everything that he does. Conkling may come as a plus one, but he will go in the pen with the Martin Van Buren government assigned rodentsonas (it's okay, that's where Grant is anyway.)

On no other day would I ever allow Benjamin Harrison and his shortness within my sight, but I just found a song about him and it's stuck in my head, so I think it's only right that he attends 1 single time before my kind feelings toward him dry out.

McKinley is invited. He must sing to me.

Wilson is invited. But I will lock him in a room like a creature. You-know-who gets the key. The second female president, Edith Wilson, may attend.

Warren Harding gets to come. Gaston Means may, as well. Also Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover. That's about it. If Nixon were to show up I wouldn't turn him away.

I'd like the party to end by sending an anonymous tip to Carrie A. Nation, telling her there is alcohol. She can come in, destroy everything, and all's well because if everything is destroyed, there's nothing to clean. She and Guiteau can ride into the sunset, combining to be a person of a normal height. I hope they invite me to the wedding.

[autisticangus]

IT IS TIME...

for the The Adventure Zone: Balance sexyperson poll

I've done the bracket a lil different than other polls

Rather than randomizing all the characters available against eachother, I have hand selected the 8 characters I felt have the best chances and placed them so that the first round will be going against them to make everything a little more fair so that smaller NPCs without as much love won't go down round one against a player character or something!

I have also separated the brackets by gender, not for weird reasons, also just for fairness so if, say, Taako is up against Lucretia, the poll isn't thrown off by the majority of votes coming from people who are only attracted to women or vice versa.

ROUND ONE:

Johann VS Edward (Winner VS Taako)

Barry Bluejeans VS Avi (Winner VS Magnus)

Davenport VS Leon the Artificer (Winner VS Merle)

Magic Brian VS John (Winner VS Kravitz)

Lydia VS Istus (Winner VS Killian)

Julia Burnsides VS Sloane (Winner VS Lucretia)

Carey Fangbattle VS Hurley (Winner VS Lup)

Klarg VS No-3113 (Noelle) (Winner VS Garfield)