#Look you don't have to take this seriously I'm just emotional and paranoid

[hiimgin]

"This is the seventh day of my stay on Death Mountain. It's not very pleasant here: hot and lonely at times. The latter is bought by Shadow, which makes my stay here not so unbearable, but it's getting difficult to devise a plan on how I can get out of here WITHOUT taking heavy casualties and disarming Shadow.

Speaking of Shadow, he's not as dangerous as he's been trying to make us believe all along. I never thought I would write such a thing, but he looks even human.... And his emotions are quite normal, even if they're a little too vivid. I found myself enjoying watching it. It's strange. The longer I'm here, the more I start to think positively about Shadow. But he remains our enemy, and I have to get back to my brothers. I hope they'll trust me.

I've also begun to wonder about a strange thought: if one of us dies.... The rest of us would feel it, right? Come to think of it, Blue and Red might have guessed I was bluffing, which would be to my advantage, but knowing them... "

- What are you writing? - Shadow's sudden voice made Vio flinch, jerking his hand so that a disgusting streak of ink was left in the diary. Vio hastily closed the diary.

- Just... My thoughts. Don't let it go to your head, I'm just-

- A little paranoid. - Shadow finished for him, sitting down beside him on the table. - Honestly, Vio. I'm amazed at your ability to think forever. Relax, nothing's going to happen here without us knowing about it.

- And if Green and the others--

- Vio. - Shadow looked him seriously in the eye. - Do you believe me?

- What? А... Yes, yes, of course I do. - Vio answered surprisingly calmly, catching a strange feeling from that look.

- So relax. Besides, we need them to come here.

- Yeah, but are we ready for them? In terms of... We don't even have a plan or-

- V.I.O.!

[timelessxmemories]

She's all I have.

Lock Drabble — @miss-midnightt , @the-main-characters , @gmanwhore , @ren-not-rennie

Reeve sits silently in his chair at his desk, writing things down on his laptop and the documents scattered on his desk, his gaze fixing on the window outside and then up to the clock, he was focused until he heard a knock on the door and looked up.

"Come in."

Lock walked into the W.R.O Leaders office awkwardly and hesitantly, her angel wings tucked in as she gave a small nervous smile, peeking in the doorway with a small wave, hesitation and anxiety written all over her face.

She's been with the WRO for a while now, she was probably the quietest and the most shy out of everyone working in the WRO, she was always so anxious and paranoid.

"You uhm.. wanted to see me, sir..?"

Her Cockatoo, Stitches, was sitting on her shoulder, tilting his head every few seconds, bobbing his head up and down before Lock placed her hand on his head, causing him to climb up onto her hand.

"Ah, yes, please come sit down."

Reeve pointed to the chair right across from his desk, his expression was friendly and calm, though his voice was a little tired from the long day of work. Once Lock sat down, he leaned back in his chair and folded his hands together in his lap, taking his time to form a proper response.

"Is there anything troubling you these days? I've noticed that you have been a little more hesitant lately."

In reply to his response, Lock was a little shocked by his concern, she wasn't used to big corporate leaders being so warm and comforting and friendly towards their underlings. She felt her heart race and she didn't know why, she felt a flood of different emotions, some of which she never even knew she could have.

She sighs, staring down at her lap as she sits across from him, feeling Stitches nuzzle up to her in a form of comfort. He was her Service bird after all.

"Well.. I guess I just.. have been a little stressed lately.. overthinking things.. wondering if I'm doing enough here and helping people in the ways that I should.."

She admitted with a small frown, however you could tell there was much more to what she was leading on if you looked close enough into those emerald green eyes of hers which is exactly what Reeve did. It was like he could see right through her.

Reeve chuckled at that, he noticed the expression on her face and his eyebrow raised. He leaned forward slightly and gestured for her to say more about what she meant. Despite his tired expression and relaxed demeanor, there was a seriousness in his tone.

"I'm here to listen. We're all in the same boat, fighting for what we want and believe. It's understandable to doubt whether you're making a difference or if you're doing enough. We all feel that way sometimes. What's bothering you?"

"I just.. I don't want to fail.. I don't want to fall behind on things or let you or anyone down.."

Lock explains, wiping her eyes a little, her lower lip quivering as she lowered her head to prevent him from seeing her expression.

"I don't want to let my little girl down.. She's only 4.. She's all I have.. I want her to grow up, proud of what her mom does and proud of her mom for being one of many who decided to make a change in the world.. I don't want to let her down.. And I especially don't want to let my late husband down.. He died in a fire about 2 years ago, he was a fire fighter, a good man, so that's why I'm here, to do what he's always wanted, make a change.."

She spoke quietly as tears rolled down her cheeks, Stitches trying to preen her hair in a comforting motion.

"I'm sorry.. I don't know why I'm telling you all this.. God I'm a mess.."

She took a sharp breath, wiping her eyes quickly before putting on a false smile, trying to hide the loneliness and despair she had felt. But Reeve could see how much she was hurting deep inside, in a way, she reminded him of himself when he was the director of Urban Planning back in Shinra, and he felt the need to help her whatever way he could.

Reeve smiled reassuringly, his demeanor was kind and comforting, he was truly invested in what she was saying and he felt the urge to help her in any way that he could. He paused for a moment, taking in everything that she had told him, and he felt something inside him grow warm, something that he hadn't felt in a long time, but he wasn't quite sure what it was.

"You have nothing to apologize for. We all have our struggles, and sharing your worries can help you overcome them. How's your daughter? What's her name?"

"Her name is Amaris.. I named her that because the name means 'Child of The Moon' in Spanish, and my late husband Silas was Latino, and he always had a deep fascination with Astronomy and Astrology, I call her my 'Little Star'.. She's my pride and joy.. She's my baby and I'd do anything for her.. I remember her asking me for a bunny, but at the time we didn't have enough money, we were barely getting by as it is so I had to break the news to her and she said to me in sweetest little voice you can ever posibly imagine: "It's okay mommy, maybe later!".. A year later I did get her that bunny.. She named her Snickerdoodle because of how she looked.. our dog, Charlie, loves her to bits.. Despite all my mental health issues and problems, I'm always so happy to go home at the end of the day to my little girl.. It's why I have Stitches here with me.. He's my service bird, he helps me get through the day and provides comfort.."

She spoke with a teary eyed smile, chuckling a little sadly to herself as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"She's currently at home.. My best friend, Nox is watching her right now.. It's funny in a way.. Who would have thought that a demon-dragon hybrid man would become best friends to the last descendant of the angels such as myself? It's funny how the world works. People always ask me: "Is that her father?" And I always reply with: "No, that's not her father, he's her uncle. My best friend."

She gave a warm fond smile with a shake of her head.

"I've known him since we were kids, he's practically like a brother to me. He and Amaris are really all I have.. Being a single mother is hard work.. Trying to care for your little one all by yourself.. I remember at some point Amaris had asked me: "Where's daddy?" And it just broke my heart, so I told her: "Sweety, daddy's in a special place now.. he's watching over us from above.." She seemed to understand fairly well what I meant despite her being only 4.. Silas died before Amaris was born, he never got a chance to meet his little girl, but I'm sure he still loves her all the same.. Actually, just yesterday she looked up at me with the most excited and curious expression and asked me: "Mommy? When am I gonna get a new daddy?" I couldn't help but laugh a little at her curiosity, I had to explain to her that: "I'll find someone when the time comes and I'm sure whoever it may be will love you just as much as I do if not more!" And the big bright excited smile she gave me was just the purest thing in the whole world.."

She rambled with a soft shake of her head before quickly shaking her head frantically.

"Ahh! I'm so sorry, sir! I'm rambling again! It's just, when it comes to my daughter, I tend to have a habit of rambling on and on about her, I love her so very much, y'know..? I don't know what I'd do without her..."

She spoke softly and fondly, pulling out a picture she seemed to always carry with her, looking at it fondly and brushing her thumb over it, a warm and loving smile on her face.

Reeve's heart softened even further as he listened to her speak about her life and how much she loved her little girl, the way she spoke about her truly captured Reeve's heart. After a few moments, he spoke to her with a warm and friendly tone.

"It's alright, Ramble as much as you like, you have a beautiful family from the looks of it. May I see that picture if it's alright with you?"

Lock looked up from the photo with a kind and warm smile, giving a gentle nod and handing him the photo of her little girl.

"That's Amaris.."

Reeve took a few seconds to observe the picture and the cute little girl in it, and his expression softened even further. He was surprised by how much she had shared with him. It was so genuine and honest, he admired her openness and her ability to trust him. He nodded as he handed the photo back to her.

"She's absolutely adorable. It's easy to see why you love her so much."

Lock chuckled a little, nodding in response as Reeve handed her back the photo before leaning back in his chair, studying her in an adoring and caring fashion before he finally replied.

"You said she's four?"

Lock smiled again, giving another nod as she looked down at the photo in her hands.

"She is. She's turning 5 in a week."

Reeve's eyebrows rose as he gave a warm smile, giving a soft laugh.

"That's wonderful! Tell her I wish her a happy birthday."

He smiled as Lock gave a warm nod, putting the photo back in her pocket.

"Of course. I'm sure she'd love that."

[idledreams-burninghearts]

I was trying to wait until I no longer work there to post about what I'm experiencing at work but I need to process it. CW: very heavy topic, trauma dumping, childhood trauma, grooming

I haven't written anything about it because I've been paranoid that Boss is following me on here, reading my posts. But oh well, either I'm paranoid and she won't see this. Or I'm not paranoid and I'm warning you, don't read this. I don't think you're in your stage of healing where you could handle this.

Lol, I gotta stop doing that. Not posting my thoughts and experiences in respect of someone else's feelings. I try to write things down privately in a journal or my notes app. I write letters to friends. It's just not the same as posting on here. Posting on here is like saying. I exist. My experience is valid. Gotta heal out of that people pleasing.

This might be out of order, my brain is weird, I will do my best to be coherent.

So the work environment is very triggering for me right now. The group dynamic is triggering childhood trauma of bullying. Where everyone is "nice" to you but they're making fun of you behind your back. (I trust some folk at work but not everyone) This is how some autistic folk experience bullying.

Like I definitely know they talk about me behind my back. I have had mental episodes that everyone is aware of. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt by telling myself they are just concerned. I know I'm not an easy person to talk to. I don't trust very easily. But knowing they're talking about me is definitely triggering this bullying trauma. I just wish they would directly ask me, through text or something, not in person.

I am a very emotional person and I really don't want to be emotional at work. I'm in neurocognitive decline and it's very hard for me to hide it right now. (As far as I'm aware there is no definitive new term for autistic burnout, but the autistic community is trying to leave the term burnout behind because allistic folk do not take it as serious as they should because burnout is a very different experience for them. I am calling it neurocognitive decline.) So I wish people would just talk to me in my preferred format if its something serious. They all know I have a hard time with verbal communication. I have been clear about that. But I've masked too well in the past and was going off scripts so well, they of course, don't take that seriously.

But it's not just that. Boss and I trigger each other. She doesn't want to admit it but I can read people's body language and emotions really well. I can tell when I trigger someone.

I really shouldn't have gone to her birthday gathering. It was pretty weird. So when they talked to me about it they said the theme was coyote ugly. I did the best I could with what I had in my closet. But when I met up with everyone they said that changed it to cowboy/cow themed. I didn't care really because they're almost the same and no one was really dressed to that theme anyways. But I could tell I triggered Boss. Boss really does have a lot of internalized fatphobia. She tries so hard to talk herself up (and rightly so, she is gorgeous) but I can tell she doesn't feel it 100%. Which is sad for me to see. I wish she was more confident in herself.

Didn't help how much the others were complimenting me. I could see she didn't like it. And honestly I didn't like it either. Felt like the bullying love bombing, but even without that, I don't really like when people compliment my appearance.

Like I have pretty privilege. There is no denying it. I know how I look, I love how I look, I have no self confidence issues in regards to how I look. But people really don't like it when you tell them to not compliment your appearance. Whenever I tell people that they react in a few ways.

"Just take the compliment. I'm just being nice." (From people of all genders, whether they're attracted to me or not)

They struggle to find a way to compliment me.

Also didn't help how people at the club were looking at me either. She noticed. She has had a very different experience of the world in that regard. She is fat. And the world has been difficult and cruel to her because of it. I see how the world treats her and people like her. It's not right.

I know I triggered her too when she was struggling to make the schedule and I commented "and they say we're not understaffed" and she snapped at me saying "stop saying that! We're not understaffed!" Friend and M were there and saw it and we all exchanged looks but I didn't say anything because I get that this job is stressing her out. Then a few days later she put up a help wanted sign. No apology for her snapping at me. When I bright this up in the meeting with her and K she said that she doesn't remember that, we're not bringing the others into this, she recognized my experience is valid. But still didn't apologize.

So when she was side-eyeing me all night and when she said "skinny people don't even need to try" in a way where she implied she's talking about me but can deny it (she's done this a couple of times at work too and in the meeting with boss and k, boss tried to say that she was just joking. I can tell the difference between a joke and a jab. Even if I don't find the joke funny I can tell what the intent was. It's in the eyes and the mouth. People think they're hard to read but they're not ) all I could think was. I get it. Of course this is how you feel after the world has treated you the way that it has. So I didn't say anything. No one likes being called out on their behavior, which is one reason why I think no one calls me out on mine (I wish they would, I actually like when people call me out on my behavior, work is weird because I don't want to be emotional at work but they can message me about it)

I realized my mental health, my physical health, was impacting everyone at work. I went to Boss and told her. (This was before the meeting with Boss and K, before I said I don't trust Boss in group chat) Hey I'm in burnout. And she responded. We all are. Which I'm still like, none of us should be. But this is when a switch flipped in my head. She's letting her perception of me get in the way of my well-being. That was a trigger. I'll get to that in a second. This is why I'm no longer using burnout to describe my experience. Why I'm using the term neurocognitive decline.

Took her a month to reduce my schedule down to 3 days. I get it, we had inventory and were short staffed. But it still just felt like she wasn't taking me seriously. She said she researched autistic burnout after I told her through group chat that I didn't trust her but I'm sure it was very cursory. Had to have a meeting with Boss and K where I showed them this tiktok. She mentioned that time she researched it. We talked about demoting me from supervisor to just sales associate which yes I was thankful for that. But it still feels like I'm not being taken seriously.

She was talking about how "we" have to manage our triggers (she was talking about me, she's so passive aggressive) she was talking about how "we wanted to be a communist party" (which was another trigger for me, I'll get to that when I talk about her she's specifically triggering me separate out of the group bullying dynamic) but also talking about "don't look at the emails, that's for management only, that information is not for everyone" and "we all need to help out" (how are you going to talk about being a communist party and needing everyone to help out but also keeping us in the dark about stuff and not sharing information?) But the whole meeting just, felt like what this video is talking about.

The last team meeting she was stressed out. I wasn't looking at her because I was having a hard time masking. So I was faced away and looking kinda up at the ceiling and rocking a little bit. I'm sure she was triggered by that too, I think she thought I was ignoring her. But I was listening, it's easier to listen when I'm not also looking. Another reason I didn't want to look at her was because I'm tired of managing her emotions.

I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her and see that she's trying to ask people for more help in order to help me out but it also feels like she's using that as a way to fire me if I don't do what she says (I did ask for her to fire me in a way that i can collect unemployment, I talk about it a bit further down, I just can't trust her)

I also think she thinks I'm not eating the food she brings to the meetings because I am not being a team player or because I don't like her or something along those lines. No, the food makes me sick. I've been having a hard time eating food because of my neurocognitive decline (mind, body, soul, all connected) and I see how hard it is for her to accommodate me and I'm not gonna force her too. She doesn't have to. She's having a hard time. She can do what she can do. I don't have hard feelings about that.

Another thing that frustrates me is that it feels like she's trying to treat everyone the same when we're not all the same, we're not all capable of doing everything or doing everything the same way and after the meeting I did hear Boss say to M that she feels like the new hires help out more than the older workers and like do you still not get that I'm in neurocognitive decline??? Do you not get that we also know this company doesn't give a shit about us? Where is your communist spirit, I thought we were a communist party?

Another thing she mentioned in that meeting was how we can't call out or go home early for no reason. I know that is referencing me too. I have been calling out and going home early pretty often lately. Because I am in neurocognitive decline. But I think she was upset that a few days prior to this I had left home early. And how I left. I had texted her if I could go home early. She did not reply. I called her from the work phone. She did not answer. I told my ma what time she would be getting into work so she could pick me up when I asked her to go home early. So when Boss got into work she saw my ma was there. When I asked if I could leave she said "yea, your mom is waiting for you already". Like she really doesn't understand what I'm going through if she's thinking I'm going home just because I want to

Anyways. Back to how she mentioned "we need to manage our triggers" and how she was talking about me. And this relates to why I think she's following me on here. So before the meeting (the day before? A few days before?) I had written a post on here about how I noticed I was having a meltdown one a month. I had also written this post after I had talked to HR about a certain light causing migraines and how the District Manager said ALL lights need to remain on and that the company provides ibuprofen. HR backed her up and said it was OSHA and company policy. I tried looking up OSHA regulations and only found "1915.82(a)(1) The employer shall ensure that each work area and walkway is adequately lighted whenever an employee is present." Which doesn't state all lights need to be on, only that it needs to be adequately lit.

But what really made me think that she's following me on here is after I had posted about issues at work and with her but I said she was still like a creative and amazing person (in tags of this post), I don't think she's a bad person (still don't btw, sometimes there are just people you can't have in your life because your issues conflict with each other) and then at work she explained to me her issues with her mom. How she had pretty privilege and other things. And in my head, I'm just like, she read the post and I knew I was triggering issues with her mom (maybe of another person too, childhood "friend" perhaps? If I'm not being paranoid and she is following me I have to think it's for a reason, she might just be trying to protect herself from experiencing the same thing she has before, idk) and this is also what led to me not trusting her besides her not taking me seriously when I said I was in burnout.

So if I'm not paranoid I'm assuming Boss thinks me doing that was me having a meltdown or that I was triggered. Nope. The meltdown referenced in that post had nothing to do with work. I was thinking clearly when I was messaging with HR. That was also me self-regulating. Turns out I'm a PDA autistic. (I prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy, that feels more correct for me than Pathological Demand Avoidance. And this has also created problems between Boss and I because I have been unintentionally engaging in Equalizing Behavior (I realize after) and allistic don't like that, they need their hierarchy)

Another thing that makes me think she's following me on here is because in the meeting with Boss and K, she said she wasn't micromanaging which was not a word I used in the meeting but I did use it in the tags of the same post

I know I've typed in the tags of a few posts that I wish I could just collect unemployment and then K started talking about her getting unemployment because of her 2nd job and when I said I wished I could get unemployment she very carefully said to talk to Boss about it and that Boss might just be uncomfortable firing a "friend". The whole interaction felt suspicious but I played along and said sure. Talked to Boss about it with K present and Boss was also very careful with her response. Could just be because she's trying to be careful of her position and be careful with me since I said I don't trust her. Like again, I am hoping that I'm paranoid about all of this. But it's so hard for me to trust her right now. Didn't help that in that meeting she said she'd talk to her lawyer friend because I couldn't be fired for insubordination and that we'd come up with a plan. Well, she never talked to me about a plan. And one time I called out for being sick and the next day B texted me asking if I was still feeling unwell and if I would be staying home. I said I was not gonna make it in and she said that she texted Boss to let her know. Then Boss tried to give me a write-up for it because I didn't tell her but I said I didn't because B did and I pulled up the message where she said so and she seemed frustrated (hoping because she was trying to help me but she knows I don't trust her and idk why she won't let me in on her plan. But this has been a huge issue for me working with her too. She thinks she communicates well but she does not, at least not with me. And I mirror communication styles so I know to her it seems like I don't communicate well)

It's also hard to trust her about this because she told employees that write-ups are back for everyone. Like I asked to be fired in a way I could collect unemployment, you didn't need to bring write-ups back for everyone. Why are you continuing to treat us all the same when we're not. And I don't mean treat us all the same as equivalent to treating us equal. Those are two different things for me. Treat us all equal, yes, but we all have different needs and capabilities so don't treat us all the same. She's leaning into the reasons I can't trust her.

This part is what I think I'm being most paranoid about (at least really hoping I'm being paranoid about, it would be extremely fucked up if I'm not being paranoid about it) so when I was confused about my feelings for Mrs Heartstrings (gotta find a new name for her, will just refer to her as Friend, same Friend mentioned earlier) I did kinda tell Boss. I was confused about if she was flirting with me or just being kind and none of my friends that I talked to about it could offer any insight because they have never met her (well, Strawhat Friend did, but very momentarily and no interaction between us) and so one day I asked Boss if she could tell if a person was flirting with me (I showed her a screenshot of a text message that was cropped to remove names) and that the person was married but I wasn't sure if they were poly or not. She asked me where I met her and I froze. She said I didn't have to answer and I didn't. But she's smart. I'm sure she figured it out. But after that it seemed like everyone was talking Friend up. "Friend is so amazing!" was said to me multiple times to the point where I started responding "I know???" And I remember this time where a few coworkers kinda stood around her and said something like "Friend is autistic" and she made a pose and it just seemed very ta-da! And I think I just responded with "I know?" But I thought "I know" "are y'all showing her off?" "What's going on here?" "Sorry I'm not the right kind of autistic" (that last one I thought because I had been saying I'm too autistic for this job so I was hoping it was related to that and not what I was being suspicious about) I really hope I'm being paranoid about this part because even if they tell themselves it was a "joke" it's fucked up and led to me having a spiral. I prefer to spiral just because I'm fucked up and not because someone is messing with me.

Okay. So now to the part where I talk about her triggering me. If I'm not being paranoid and Boss is reading this, you are really gonna want to stop reading at this point. You really aren't in the right place of your healing journey to read this.

So she has called the team meetings "family dinner" and has called us a family, which was extremely triggering for me and not just because that is a corporate tactic to get employees to work harder for them.

She doesn't communicate well, she's been changing a lot of things at work and how we do things which would be fine except she doesn't explain them properly or at all, or will explain it to someone else who will explain it to me but still without the necessary information my autistic brain needs to actually be able to do it. Like this.

One, she never talked to me about this. K did. But it didn't make sense to my autistic brain to print out the shipment manifest in a way that wasted ink and paper because it included a lot of items that weren't actually shipped to us. It has a lot of items with 0 at the end of it. And in the system all you have to do is press one button, twice, to change the format in the system to show the items listed from greatest to least amount of items sent. I printed upcoming shipments like that so it would only be like 2-5 pages long instead of like 10+ pages long. I saved the digital version in the bookmark bar of both internet browsers on the computer. I told K about it and she said no one else would want to do that work and I said no one else has to, y'all can do it your way when you print up the shipment list because I know we're all different. After that is when Boss wrote that in the pass down log. And now that I'm no longer a supervisor, I saw how they are doing the shipment list. They are using what comes in the shipment. Which is exactly how I was prepping it anyways. And she has not apologized because she didn't tell me directly so she has the excuse that she wasn't talking about me. When yes she was.

No explanation for why that way is better. Does not want to communicate about it. She just wants to tell us to do something and she just wants us to do it no questions asked. And so passive aggressive. I know she's talking about me. (Why can't she just talk to me directly. I know I'm hard to talk to. But if it's work related that is very easy to talk about. Just talk to me directly so I can mirror your communication style and I can be direct back.) Very triggering for me. And the next shipment they printed out their way I just could not do it because of my pda profile and because of being triggered and because it just does not make sense to me. I couldn't do it and said as much. (In the meeting with Boss and K and Boss said "we already let you do what you want to do" which was so frustrating for me because what I want to do is my job, but she still doesn't get that I'm in neurocognitive decline and I'm just trying to do what I can do.) Honestly since messaging HR about the OSHA thing it has been a bit easier for me to work because I'm motivated by spite (to the company, not even Boss) now. I want to cause problems for the company but just let them try to fire me without it looking like retaliation. I do my job. I am being nice to people. Trying to talk. It probably doesn't seem enough, I'm wearing a more manageable mask, it's not as upbeat and social and I know because of everything going on they think I'm being upset at them when I really just don't have the energy or capacity. I'm sure some people are taking it personally.

Another thing that triggered me was when she said "I'm always watching" talking about how she looks over the security camera footage. I talked to her about this in the meeting but I'm not sure if she gets it or not because this is what she put in the report she typed up.

Like I'm not triggered by the cameras being there (although I do hate that we live in a surveillance state) I'm triggered by what she said. And she speaks corporate very well. She knows how this is gonna make me look. I'm looking to get out of there anyways so whatever. But then it was funny that after she submitted this she posted in the group chat that management was looking at the cameras more "for some reason"

But she could just be covering her own ass too. In the meeting she said she was taking notes so she could type up the report. Later I had asked for a copy, now I wonder if she actually meant that or if she did that allistic thing where they say things they don't mean. Like how hard is it to say, I'm taking notes so I know what to respond to without interrupting you? I signed it without reading too, but because I wanted the copy for myself and to show friends. I'm sure she thought I wanted it to get her in trouble. Or maybe she still doesn't get it. She's never really been able to listen and understand me. It's just an allistic/autistic communication issue (I need to be more direct again, I stopped as a kid because people really don't like it)

Another way she triggered me was by taking away autonomy. She said that staff can't rearrange the merch without asking for permission from a supervisor or her, the manager. So one day I'm putting product out but there's no space. I have to rearrange the wall. I was a supervisor at the time so I just gave myself permission. She then changed it to where no one could rearrange the wall without asking for her permission.

Another thing she does that triggers me is that she is not clear with her instructions. In a team meeting she said that people were cleaning too slowly so I sped up how I cleaned. Then things weren't being cleaned well enough (like no shit, cleaning is either going to be cleaned fast OR thoroughly. Not both) and that caused a bit of a melt down for me (not in the meeting).

And in the meeting Boss was like "sorry I'm triggering memories of a friend" and I was just like, she wasn't a friend. Like, yes, in the group dynamic it reminds me of childhood bullying. But her on her own, of these things I've just listed.

The person and memories she is triggering is of Ms. A. Ms. A is the reason I look people in the eye and the reason I don't visibly stim. She forced me to look people in the eyes, she forced me to be still. Good kids are neither seen nor heard. I couldn't be visibly autistic. And I don't feel like I can be autistic with Boss. Ms. A forced me to clean her house and look after the younger kids. Boss makes me feel like I have to do more than I'm able to, regardless of my disability and she gives "reasonable accommodations". Ms. A gave no privacy. Boss said she's always watching. Ms. A always said we were family when we weren't, she was our "caregiver", she was paid to take care of us but she didn't. Boss called the team meetings "family dinner" but we're not family. I have a hard time thinking we're all friends. Boss tried to say we're a communist party when she can't even give me the accommodations I need, feels like she's trying to use what she knows about me as a way to get me to comply. Ms. A is the reason I don't like talking about the things I like with people because she used it against me as a form of control. She groomed me (and the other kids) for her father.

So that's why I can't really talk to her directly about this. Like how do you tell someone, "hey your behavior reminds me of my groomer"? And why I couldn't properly vent this out here in case she is seeing my posts. If I'm not paranoid about that... I hope she heeded my warning and didn't read this.

Like, I don't think Boss is grooming me to be sexually assaulted. But it sure does feel like she's grooming me to be a good little employee for corporate. Do as I say no questions asked. No transparency, keeping people out of the loop.

Honestly if I'm not being paranoid and she is following me here that's another trigger that reminds me of my groomer. No privacy.

Like I miss my old manager. When I was promoted I was uncomfortable with the position because I don't like being in a position of power over people but she told me it wasn't a position of power, it was a position of responsibility. And I vibe hard with that. But current Boss. She does not take the same approach. I can't work for her. I need to get out of there. She will never not trigger me as long as I'm working under her.

I also remember a time where Boss and Friend and I were supposed to hang out but I had to cancel because my cat died. I was of course really sad that my cat died, but there was a part of me that was relieved I didn't have to hang out with them because I really felt (and feel) uncomfortable around Boss. Like that's how bad I am doing with all of this. Although I do think I'm doing pretty well at work considering everything I'm going through.

And the possibility of Boss following me on here is why I'm not talking about my latest mental health issue and what I think it is. Because she's not a safe person for me to be autistic around. She is definitely not a safe person for me to be that kind of mentally ill around, especially if I'm working for her.

Like I get its been hard for people to deal with me while I've been in neurocognitive decline (honestly it started once we were bought out). It's not just her that is the issue. I know I'm part of the issue too. But I can't work for her.

I don't want to talk about this at work because there is no space and time to properly communicate this without it seeming like I'm gossiping. And I don't want to turn anyone against her. I don't want to take her community away from her. She needs them. I don't. I have friends.

I am honestly overwhelmed by how many friends I have. I do think I needed to experience this and am kinda grateful for this experience. It really reminded me of who my friends are and which relationships I need to work on. Kinda thinking about having a picnic with friends when I'm not working here anymore and feeling a bit better.

I also know I can be a heavy person because I focus so much on my depression and how much I don't want to be alive. And people don't want to focus on that, they don't want me to focus on that. But I need to. I need to problem solve. I need to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So I can change and grow. Can't do that if I'm ignoring the problem.

But anyways, yea, whether I'm paranoid or not, I can't work here. Either way, the situation is not great. No real accommodations and my neurocognitive decline is not taken seriously.

I feel like writing this up here has already helped me process this a bit and hopefully I can work on it more with this week off. I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting but this is already really long.

[iciatheguardess]

[tbh I’m just real paranoid when it comes to shipping around here lol and in general and I’m not sure whyyyyy q.q]

Ahhhhhhhhhh

The only reason I get paranoid abt ships is bc I know if I let myself slip, I'm slipping into a rabbit hole.

And uh.... *looks at collection of lancia songs/ fic ideas/ art ideas/ artifact ideas* .... you can see what happens when it gets to that.

But nah since you brought them up Imma just rant now

I NEVER REALIZED HOW IN LOVE I WOULD BE WITH THEM LIKE OH MY GOD

I'm the sort of person to imagine a ship with almost anyone Icia interacts with and from the moment I met Lance I was thinking "oo they might be cute"

NOW LOOK AT THEM

Icia used to be shy and quiet and just. She didn't have much for herself other than Starro- and then that fucker Lance walked into her life and suddenly OH MY GOD she's willing to be emotional around him.

Like for her character do you REALIZE the trust she has in him to be willing to do that

And also, their elegance together. Once again, it's not like elegant/refined x chaotic gremlin unless you count Raina as part of this ship or something. But just Lance and Icia? They're like one of the couples that you'd imagine when someone says "old love", and not the misogynistic gross kind of old love, I mean the old love that takes EFFORT

LIKE SERIOUSLY, they be dancing in the kitchen together, she's sleeping on the ground that way she can sleep next to him while he's on the couch, they be listening to each other's wants and GENUINELY PUTTING IN EFFORT to give the other the best possible gift- shit, I wouldn't be shocked if one sneaks to the other's place in the middle of the night just because they missed them, or- OH MY GOD IMAGINE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING WINDOW SERENADES OR SOMETHING

Kidding, kidding. Kind of.

And I don't care if any of that is "bare minimum", it's adorable and it's THEM.

But seriously, like. The trust and respect between them just makes me feel so happy and warm and fuzzy. Like she's entrusted him with nearly her entire history, hopefully he will soon (*insert the anger book pages here*), and hopefully soon a certain someone will finally be able to ask a certain question.....

But yeah.

I love Lancia.

Healthy relationships >>>>>

[bleedingheartsandwiltedroses]

Hey there, I've been keeping up to date with this situation as an offline friend of Sail (I can't leave the friendship as of now for personal reasons) I get notifications from your account about updates, I just want to clarify some things said on this account, especially after what was sent earlier. I'll use the name Marsh for these messages since I don't want him knowing it was me who sent this lol (I'm a very old friend of his)

Firstly, Sail is not a system. Sail is a singlet, and he uses he/him pronouns and the name Sail offline. He has admitted to me and other friends that he had faked DID.

Sail does not use social media that I know of, and has been actively avoiding this situation, and has done several shakedowns on friends (online and offline) whenever someone interacts with you. He is very paranoid about this situation, and has made it very clear to any and all of his friends that if they interact with you that he will hurt them (actual threats)

The pixelsnpancakes account was his account. He no longer uses the name Alice or she/her pronouns. He was using that name as a placeholder since he didn't know the name he wanted to go by when he "came clean" (his words) You are looking for a trans, straight guy named Sail. he/him pronouns.

He did not fake being intersex. He was actually denied testosterone because of hormone imbalances that come from being intersex and was very upset about it. I have also seen him take medication to balance his hormones and I've seen him get bullied in the past over it.

He is very manipulative, and openly admits to the fact he is capable of manipulating people

An old username I have seen him used was brighteyed.boy on Instagram. I'm not sure if it's still up, but it's worth a check I think.

He did re-create the sail emotes account, but then deleted it because he was getting "hate" on it. I'm not sure what the "hate" was but I'm sure it was deserved.

I wasn't going to send this ask but I seriously think the truth is really important in a situation like this, and it's important you know what actually is happening and what's not

Also excuse any typos and stuff, it's late here and I just spent 30 minutes contemplating sending this since it' a bit more dangerous since I know him offline.

Thanks for this, I hope you have a good day and I'm sorry for that fucked up ask you got.

Thank you so much for this. I hope its okay for me to post it and if not I can immediately take it down! This means a lot and I also agree that the truth should be known abt everything. Im so sorry he’s doing that and I hope everyone is safe genuinely. The whole purpose of making the doc was to make sure people can stay safe and Im genuinely sorry if I caused any danger to anyone with posting it. The only reason I ever doubted his intersexism was just due to how he “found out” but based on what you said I do believe you and that he is. I will admit though I think his discovery of it was slightly fabricated (when it comes to how he found out) to manipulate us further since it was by (nsfw/predatory stuff)

masturbating on the phone with us.

But I do 100% believe you. Thats just more explanation into my thoughts and why I had originally questioned it.

Again genuinely thank you for this it helps and means so much. Please stay safe and if you ever need anything and its safe for you to reach out my messages are always open to you or anyone else reading this. And I’m so sorry youre dealing with all this.

[mcjour]

doot doot doot gotta start typing cuz i'm losing my fucking mind

i'm feeling a lot of feelings right now but i never found a healthy way to express my feelings growing up so i kind of feel like i am drowning and exploding and suffocating and bottling it the fuck up as well.

also i am supposed to start my period at any moment now so i am sure that is only amplifying the emotions.

my mom and stepdad have covid. let's stop right there. because i'm sure my mom thinks i'm mad at her for getting sick. if you're reading this, first of all, fuck you for reading my stuff. secondly, i'm not mad about that. because i realize it's just chance that it was you. and unavoidable in this shit society we live in that doesn't take a pandemic seriously.

but i am still pissed about all of the circumstances surrounding it.

first of all, the awful timing of it all. i am due back at school in a week. i am not going to be thrilled if i have to already use up sick days in my first week back!

but more than that, i have been sooo looking forward to going back to school. i fucking love back to school season, first of all!! but i am finally happy and stable with my job for once in my whole life. i am excited to return back to that. not to mention that i missed the beginning of the year last year because i was placed in a different assignment. this is my first time doing kindergarten screenings, my very first first day of kindergarten. i am so excited to do it. a little nervous too of course, but an excited nervous. now that is all up in the air.

just a couple months ago, i had to miss the school concert performance and my birthday because i was sick. those were devastating losses to me. even though life is cyclic and i always have next year. that didn't make me any less sad. i was straight up sobbing in the shower to the point that my mom asked if she needed to call an ambulance.

and i think that is a trigger for me too, getting too excited for things and too happy about things and getting them swiped away in an instant. or getting let down. it's the city year trauma, the birthday trauma, all the trauma.

and i've been trying my best to be careful too. i heard about the spikes. i've been doing outdoor stuff. when i've gone to the movie theater, i've specifically sought out the 9am showings even though it is a pain to get up that early. i've been putting off a target trip for weeks because again, i don't want to get up early to go at a non busy time. i could be doing more and all that, i'm far from perfect. but it is a bit frustrating. especially since i knew i wanted to cool things down before school started to make sure there was no chance of anything!!! and here we are.

and it's also just what a miserable society we live in. because okay, maybe i am safe this time. maybe the week passes and i never end up catching it. okay. well i'm sure it'll go around school in another 2-3 weeks. maybe i'll catch it then. great. so what was the point of all this.

part of me thinks i should just intentionally catch it now and get it overwith. again though, can't guarantee timing and i would hate to miss work over it. and also, duh, covid is not something you play around with. i don't want to intentionally infect myself with something that could actually end up disabling me long term/ forever.

i also spent all of last week at school so i could still have this week off to have fun. blah.

another thing that is bothering me is the germs. generally speaking, i am a major germophobe and i think everyone knows that about me. so i already spend enough time paranoid about catching various illnesses. so this is like bringing it to the next level. because all i can think about is all of the germs swarming around me in the air. i feel like it is inevitable that i will get sick. and here i am, just a sitting duck.

and what really pisses me the fuck off is that they don't seem to care. and i know they do. they are holed up in their bedroom, they are wearing a mask when they have to, etc. so it's not that they don't care.

but..... they are still parading around the house. they are shutting windows. are you absolutely fucking kidding me. i know it's a little chilly at night, but it's still summer. it's not winter. just grab an extra blanket or sweater or something. you talk about claustrophobia? that's how i feel with the same covid air floating around the house.

and i am not sure why you guys need to be walking around the house anyway? i offered to bring food to you. but i guess then you can't cling to your theory about how i am such a selfish and awful daughter.

in what world does it make sense to stand around the kitchen for an hour waiting for the pizza to heat up.

literally i wouldve heated the pizza up for you come the fuck on.

i wish i could move around the house but it doesn't feel safe. because of the windows shutting and the repeated passing through. why would i stay down there. but it doesn't feel safe in my room because it is right next to theirs, so every time they open their door, the trapped covid air must fly straight into my room. okay, maybe not. but to someone who is wildly anxious about germs, it is hard to convince your brain otherwise!!!!!

like this week would be the perfect time to start building my new lego set. however, i can't really do it in my room because i don't have like a table or even a hard surface that i could work at. i usually do all my building of new sets downstairs. well. why the fuck would i do that. downstairs is contaminated.

i don't get it, i'm not the one who is sick, so why am i the one who is most quarantined.

i know i can go outside of the house, but where tf would i go??? first of all, i've obviously had exposure, so i would feel guilt going anywhere. secondly, i'm a homebody as it is. so i'm not exactly going to have fun going out for the sake of getting out of the house.

if you still read that whole thing, again fuck you for reading my private stuff. this isn't a guilt trip. if it was, i would say it to your face. i am just so wildly unhappy right now that i needed to get all my feelings out. i have been sobbing non stop in the next room. you wouldn't know that. you never know.

and that i think pisses me off the most. i wish i had someone i could talk to about this. i have a therapy appointment tomorrow, so susan will definitely be hearing it. but wouldn't it be nice to have an actual mom to talk to. who would hear my worries and not try to spin it into how i am coming after her or guilting her or how she is the true victim in all of this. i'm not saying i have it worse than them. covid is awful and of course i feel bad that they are going through that. but it's always a competition of who has it worst. why can't i also be going through something.

why should i feel selfish about having big emotions about this? this effects more than just you.

[mcrcki]

it was nice, despite everything, that her dad did at least like her friends. even if they were... interesting to say the least, she felt like he wasn't completely offput my all the people she had surrounded herself with at the hotel. and his support between that, and with helping out at the hotel, it meant more than charlie was in a place to express right now. she would tell him, once this fight was over, once they had both had some time to cool off. but for now? the anger that she had rarely allowed out was getting harder and harder to hold back. perhaps that was the problem, that she buried all of these emotions down deep inside, never letting them out in exchange for constantly looking for some positive spin, that the moment she had too much bottled up, she exploded. and it happened to be at her father this time around. "right like fucking adam was ever going to let extermination day be a one off thing--" she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "dad, seriously, you can't keep me protected from everything, forever. we live in fucking hell. i was always going to have a target on my back from anyone, up or down. but i'm an adult! i can handle if my friends and i are the ones facing a damn war!" she knew that he just wanted to help, to do what was best for her, and when she was in any sort of clear minded state, she was appreciative of that. "i'd rather be the one with a target on my back from heaven than any of my friends! i'm not going to let any of them be in danger, and i won't let you put yourself in harms way just to keep me safe! i can handle this! you have to fucking trust me!" her father had always been worried, bordering on paranoid and she understood why, but she was an adult. she had to be able to face these things without her dad flying in to solve all these problems, didn't she? "what we do know is that we're all here! mom is here! and you are so much more concerned with finding out why we all got shoved topside instead of taking the fucking good that came out of it! who cares if heaven is why we're here! maybe they'll send us back down when they're ready for another damn battle, but for now, can't we just be excited that we have mom!? why are you so determined to ruin that! what are you so afraid of!" sure, maybe emily had been cast out of heaven too, not fallen all the way down but definitely punished for siding with the princess of hell, but at least, it meant that she had been getting through to them. and sure, maybe this was all some giant dangerous situation, but charlie would rather enjoy the good with the bad than spend her whole time on earth looking over her shoulder and finding flaws in everything. "i don't want to be afraid of everyone here, dad. i want to trust them. and if i get fucked over, then i get fucked over but i have a right to make those mistakes myself." but the conversation about alastor, everything that was going on with the person she thought was her friend... it was enough to bring her focus down to one topic, her anger subsiding as she rubbed her hands over her eyes, trying to remember the exact phrasing of her deal. "'one favor at the time of his choosing, where i don't harm anyone'. and he doesn't own my soul. that's my deal, those are the conditions we laid out but-- i had to, dad. he knew how angels could be killed!" she finally looked back at him. "mom made a deal with alastor that caused her disappearance."

"i have no problem with her, trust me on that." she'd stabbed adam for him, he'd give the woman whatever she wanted for that favor alone. but he would also keep a healthy distance if he had to reveal his wings for any reason, considering her rage seemed focused on angels. "of course." while he'd always worry about her, about how much this was going to piss off heaven, he would support her and protect her from whatever came her way. it was all he could do, after everything he'd failed at in the last few years. "take your girlfriend out, sweetheart, i can handle things for a few hours. you two deserve to have fun." they were both still so young, in the grand scheme of things, they should go out and have fun when they could. especially if they weren't going to manage to settle this fight between them any time soon. "because i'm hoping against all odds that that's the case! do you know how much i hoped this would be a one time thing and you'd never even know this had happened?" he'd hoped more than anything that whatever this was, it would be pointed solely at him. "you might be okay with that, but that doesn't mean i am! it is my job to protect you, especially from them!" he'd stepped back, allowed the exterminations to happen without interference, because it would ensure her safety, and he would continue to keep her shielded from heaven for as long as he could. "i'm not saying it's a guarantee that's what's happening, but we need to accept it might be a possibility! i don't know how an angel ended up involved in all this, but i'm not writing anything off until we know for sure." the angel who'd sided with charlie ending up in the human world... something felt wrong there. he didn't like it at all, but he couldn't figure out why she'd be sent here. "yes, some of them are good, but some of them will tear each other apart for fun! and i am so paranoid because the last time i was sure i was doing the right thing, i became the reason those psychotic fucks had the ability to choose to do that shit!" and while he didn't doubt she was capable, this was out of her wheelhouse, something entirely new, and going in blind to the truth of it all would only get her hurt. "i trust you, charlie, it's the rest of them i don't trust. you want to believe the best in people, and i don't want to see you get stabbed in the back because you trusted the wrong person." but- fuck, the radio demon... he'd known he hated that fucker from the start, but this was worse than he'd expected it to be. "you owe him a favor? charlie, that could be anything, please tell me there were conditions to this favor." if alastor could make her do anything he wanted... "and what do you mean he's the reason your mother vanished?"

[lovejapan55]

Rant

I've been too Emotional Over Varian. Ever since Queen for a day towards Secret of the sun drop I've been worried about him and they just kept making it worse Usually when I get attached to a new favorite Character I don't get this worked up and Emotional aching for them And Usually those favorites are Protagonists so I shouldn't be that upset over them especially If their Disney Protagonist. The only other character I've ever been this heartbroken about Is Allen Walker from D.Gray.Man. But He's also a Protagonist But The Manga is A Tragedy I knew that when I got in the Story So At Least I was Prepared especially when the Author Hints at A Tragic Ending. But With Varian It's Just More Different He's Not Even A Main Character. So Of Course I'm More Worried and Heartbroken and Protective of Him. And I don't Know If it will Just get more worse for Him Cause I Remember What Chris Sonderberg The Creator of This series said in an Interview That what Rapunzel does will effect Varian I Think I'm afraid of reading it again. He also said we're all fans of Varian and Rapunzel He Even Liked a tweet I did Defending Him. But That was before secret of the Sun-drop and After The Alchemist Returns so it had my Hopes up. And Now I Just Don't know if I Can Rally Trust The Writers on this. I Love Varian so Much I Want Him To Get His Happy Ending. But I don't think I Can Handel getting My Hopes up for that again. I don't Want Him To Suffer anymore He Deserves A Happy Ending More Then Anyone. I Just don't Know how much more I Can Take. All This waiting and suspense and worrying is driving me Nuts, driving me back to a mindset I thought was Past me

[k0kichiimagines]

Skdhajdjsjadbnwbs bad ending ew *COUGHS AGGRESSIVELY* HELL NAH, I STILL NEED TO DO 3 MORE TO BE DONE WITH SAEYOUNG I'M-

SJDBS

Can I get Saeyoung with an S/O who tends to fake their emotions through difficult situations? (Toxic family/y'know that part with the bomb, they seemed calm but inside they were scared but hid it well) and he finds out later when everything was okie dokie-

I noticed I fake smile and laugh a lot when I'm with family that makes me tense but when I'm alone or with people I trust, I usually drop the act slska something like that? They do it so they don't get hurt easily or sum-

Also can I write something for you too? Think of it as a thank you gift for everything skdjah-

Please take your time!! You're doing amazing and I love you!^^ ❤️ /p

I DID THIS SOONER RATHER THEN LATER SINCE YOU SUFFERED THROUGH THAT ROUGH ENDING AND ALL THE DAYS LEADING UP TO IT. AND YOURE DOING MORE AS WELL, TAKE CARE AS WELL

thank you v much for the offer!! if it worked i put it in your ask box!!

ALSO THATS VERY SWEET I LOVE U TOO AND YOURE ALSO DOING AMAZING!! THANK U!! <333 /p

hope you enjoy!!

- mod kokichi

Saeyoung x reader

-> reader who hides their emotions in stressful situations

he does question it a bit during the later days. when you're both preparing to drive off to the mint eye, but you always reassure him you're fine, and your smile is so convincing he just shrugs it off. perhaps you're just very rational, is his thoughts.

you seemed so calm to him. oddly calm for someone with a bomb under their feet, let alone when you consider the hacker that had just smashed through your window moments before. at the time, he ignored it.

perhaps you honestly felt everything would be fine, perhaps it was a denial response, he wasn't sure, and honestly he felt even just thinking your name made his heart feel funny, so he avoided the thought entirely. he focused on his work. (as best he can with all the calls from you)

you didnt even react to his attempts at getting you to give up on him, at his harsh words or straight up blanking. nothing.

it slipped his mind after that. the next few days were a whirlwind of a mess. he only makes a lighthearted comment afterwards, having exhaustedly sighed and rested his head on your shoulder while you held him. "how d'you always manage to stay so calm... you should teach me one day, I'll be the most diligent student."

it's only then you kind of make an 'ehhhh....' noise in reply, and he goes to look at you questioningly. you confess that you're not as calm and unphased as he once thought - of course you were absolutely terrified throughout the whole ordeal, you felt paranoid and miserable in that apartment at times.

he kind of just blinks at you. he's surprised you managed to appear so calm, but also feels instantly guilty for not working it out sooner and comforting you more during those days. he'll tell you such as well, applauding your skill, but apologising sincerely. he does wonder if this means you've done this before, many times before, which would explain your skill level.

but he doesn't question it now. if and when you wish to tell him about anything from your past he'll be ready to listen.

now he's just more careful on keeping an eye on you. he tries to learn your behaviour and find anything that gives away your emotions. if its over something not so serious then he'll lift you in the air with a declaration that you can't hide your feelings from him! he was the 707 of course.

if it something serious then he's not as intense. he'll reach for your hand and hold it firmly, he silently tells you he's guessed your emotions, and he's here for you, but he won't make you talk if you don't want to. as you two stay for longer and you drop the act more, he's also going to be there for you to rant to or vent to.

no seriously he'll always be there, even if he's busy this man adores you he would drop almost anything to simply say hi and kiss your cheek, let alone if you were upset

[glorified-red]

What would a mentally HEALTHY Tim Drake look like?

Like how would he be as a person in your opinion?

💀 good luck with that

Ok, if Tim actually put in the work to heal himself and work through his mental blockages (his paranoia, anxious attachment style, fear of abandonment/expected abandonment, anxiety, self-esteem issues, etc), he'd probably be a completely different person.

He'd end up taking after Dick when it comes to attachment styles, he'd learn how to navigate his own emotions and how to navigate other people's emotions as well. Tim would take his role of brother a little more seriously and involve himself with the family more because he can see a place for himself now.

That being said, when someone is healed or working towards being healthy, they tolerate inadequacy a lot less. Bruce being Bruce? Tim won't stand for it, he'll be the next person to stand up to him like Dick often does. Tim wouldn't tolerate the recklessness of his brothers or the emotional stunted-ness. Tim would become a master communicator but would lose patience when people can't communicate as efficently as he can.

Becoming "healthy" is a win lose situation. Altho Tim would heal a lot of himself, it becomes difficult to be around others who refuse to heal themselves. Dealing with Damian being a narcissistic brat? Tim would point it out easily, he'd become a little more blunt.

That because he'd no longer feel the need to prove his worth anymore. He knows his value and his worth and if others don't see it then he has no place in his life for that. Tim's no longer anxious or paranoid so he'd effectively plan and feel content instead of dread. Sure he'd still have backup plans and contingencies, but he wouldn't harp on them nearly as much as he used to.

He wouldn't be nearly as reckless or self sacrificing of a vigilante. Negative self talk? No sir, none here. He has plans and doesn't need to be reckless anymore because he values his life.

He'd finally acknowledge where his parents went wrong instead of standing up for people who neglected him. He'd learn to heal his generational trauma so that he doesn't pass it down. That mostly involves healing his attachment style and abandonment issues.

This would mainly surface as self-love work. He'd learn to love himself and everything else would follow. Self affirmations, picking up hobbies so his work/life balance becomes significantly better, and learning to enjoy solitude because he can enjoy his own company.

He'd mainly just become more vocal with his siblings and step into a more secure role of comfort. But more so in the way of "I'm your ride or die and you know it."

[miraculouscontent]

(This is gonna be a bit long, I hope you don't mind)

So Chat Noir decided to give up the ring because he felt he wasn't needed and wasn't being treated right? Hmmmm, good riddance. Pretty sure the only thing Marinette did was try to rely on someone else during a time when she felt ready to run away and go Ladybug 24/7, didn't tell him secrets that he honestly had no right to know other than with the claim that he was her "irreplaceable" partner (doubtful), and got help from competent heroes. For the first one, I'm pretty sure if your partner was constantly veering on the edge of an emotional breakdown to the point where she almost abandoned her life, what would you do if she sought help from you? Because that's what Ladybug did with Chat Noir, and you know what he did? He took her emotional vulnerability as an opportunity to make advances on her and took her out on a date, even when she explicitly stated before that she didn't want to date him. Ladybug, a girl who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, tried to rely on her partner for emotional support in a time of need, and when that clearly turned out to be a disaster, she didn't do it again and decided to rely on someone else (bravo to her). That was on Chat Noir, not Ladybug.

Now, for the second point, why would you want to tell important secrets that could pose as a risk for anyone who knew them, to someone who never took into account how you feelt about things until it hit them in the face? Remember all those times Chat Noir said that he and Ladybug were a couple? How could you trust someone who so blatantly lies in front of your face even though you tell them not to, and whenever you tell them off, all they do is laugh at your face and say that they think you "look cute when you're angry." Chat Noir rarely, if ever, took into consideration Ladybug's feelings on things. Why would that be different if she revealed her identity to him? If she did tell him her identity, the first thing he would think about would be about being in a relationship with her. And thus, Marinette would be spared no rest in both her civilian life and her hero life (if she didn't have feelings for Adrien Agreste, then that would definitely be certain). Also, about Rena Rouge and Carapace knowing each others superhero identities? He never even asked for any context behind how they knew their identities. All he did was jump to conclusions. Like seriously, if you really do know your partner that well, then you should know that she wouldn't let Rena and Carapace know their identities unless it was for an important reason. You're her partner, trust in her judgement and decisions instead of sulking about your wasted love life. Just because she's not talking to you that much doesn't mean she's abandoning you. She's busy, and if you weren't so quick to jump to conclusions and assume the worst about whatever she does, maybe you'd finally see that she's carrying a burden. That's right, Guardianship isn't her pushing you away because she doesn't need you anymore, it's a burden that, added to her duties as Ladybug, has forced her to feel more paranoid and stuck every day, and has forced her to rely on other heroes for help (another point I'll be talking about in the next paragraph).

So, about Ladybug relying on other heroes- what's so different about then, when she wasn't a guardian, and now? For one, she is the Guardian, a sacred role that she was forced to take up. Why force herself and Chat Noir to fight a villain all alone and potentially risk their miraculi, when they could ask for help? Sure, Chat Noir wants to spend more time with Ladybug (even if it means wanting other people to get akumatized), but what about the people? They are in danger, the akuma could have taken the miraculi and brought consequences unimaginable to the world, and all that because they lacked competent hands. Its different now, because before, Fu would have been able to send help if they were in trouble. The stakes are higher now that she's Ladybug and Guardian. Her identity is at even more risk, she has no other Guardian to rely on if things took a turn for the worst (Alya and Su-Han don't really count), and to be frank, if an akuma took her miraculous, she'd either have to lose almost all her memories of the past two years, or be tortured for information about everything she knows (Gabriel abuses his son and Kwami and drowned the entirety of Paris twice, little to no doubt that he would resort to desperate measures). They can't afford another loss, now that they've already lost the most knowledgeable and experienced person they could rely on. Why would Chat Noir even begrudge Ladybug about that? Shadowmoth got stronger, and so should they. If anything, maybe Chat Noir should actually work on improving himself, focusing on battles, and giving helpful inputs. He has been raised by tutors and privately educated almost his entire life, why is he leaving Ladybug to do all the thinking? If they really are partners, then he should stop clowning around during akuma fights so much and treat Ladybug like how one treats their partner: with respect. Its basic human decency. If he can't afford to do even that, then I understand why Ladybug doesn't trust just the two of them to get things done and for Chat Noir to know her identity. Like heck, she's his partner, not some chick he thinks he could get it on with if he just pushed hard enough. Basic human decency, people. It's not that hard.

👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 (I don’t mind at all!!)

The fact that we have actually talk about how Ladybug being stressed out and unable to cater to Chat’s whims doesn’t mean that she’s purposefully neglecting him/keeping him in the dark.

And it really does hurt, because Ladybug seems to have such faith in Chat Noir and his abilities.

In “Copycat,” she says that he’s never lied to her, unaware that he’s lied about her in the very same episode.

In “Antibug,” she talks about them being a great team - clearly thinking highly of him - when just before he’d been questioning her decision to not trust Chloe (who is a known liar and impersonated Ladybug before) and then he gets tied up by Antibug later.

In “Miraculous New York,” she trusted him to watch over Paris while she was gone despite his carefree nature, and he went to New York anyway.

In “Hack-San,” she didn’t give a thought to Chat throwing a tantrum despite thinking of him to the point of idly giving Alya tips on what makes him happy, then Chat nearly Cataclysms Scarabella because Ladybug isn’t there.

Just because she doesn’t tell him literally everything doesn’t mean she doesn’t see him as a partner. She has other people to talk to/debate with/discuss things with like Alya and the kwami.

He keeps disappointing her and can’t read how she feels. She shouldn’t be blamed for not opening up to him.

[secretlifeissecret]

Should I be working on some of the fanart for fics I have in my draft? Yes. Yes I should.

HOWEVER-

I am instead going to fantasize about my dol OC.

Arden the Delinquent,

The player can find Arden behind the school most days, hanging around a supply shed, Standing at about a 5'10 and generally looming.

They keep a baseball bat nearby.

"...What? D'you want your ass kicked or something?"

The PC could endear themselves to Arden by being generally pleasant, or just use them to grind that sadomasochism stat by instigating fights. It's not hard.

Arden is socially an idiot, so attempting to endear yourself with jokes, or laughing at their expense, feels threatening, so they'll attempt to kick the shit out of you.

High-love Arden has a chance of saving PC from other students, but will request that the PC doesn't tell anyone that it was with the intent to help them.

"Hey, if you aren't careful someone is going to seriously hurt you..."

Arden has long hair, Always!

M!Arden keeps his hair in a low ponytail and has this really sturdy jacket that they keep over their uniform

F!Arden keeps her hair loose, but with an undercut,

Universally, Arden is a pretty brunette, they always tuck their uniform shirt into their pants/skirt and have the top few buttons undone

Paranoid idiot. Knows exactly what the town is like.

Total Virgin. Inexperienced. Partly because they assume people are asking for a fight.

Hates, fears, and respects the nasty good doctor Harper

A submissive!PC will have an easier time befriending Arden, since Arden thinks you're high-key pathetic and need help and protection. Simply for the reason that if they were you, they'd want one safe person

"You need money right? Take it then. No questions asked. It's fine. I want you to have it."

Defiant!PCs who endear/befriend Arden are given a degree of respect. A smidgeon. A little. Defiant!PC gets invited to steal shit/break stuff. A more emotional Arden tends to be more volatile. PC gets to keep whatever they steal/give it to Arden and get cash value for it.

"What are you waiting for? It's just glass, they can afford to fix it.

If you're worried about getting caught, don't. I'm the one who swung the bat."

Some more miscellaneous interactions that I like to think about;

Relationship to NPCs;

Gets embarrassed when returning books to the library if the PC is there, always returns the book on time/early, Sydney comments on it.

Likes Kylar in the same way that they like pathetic PC, like, they're just a little guy. Kylar hangs out on the stump behind the school and is in a relatively safe since Arden is there.

I headcannon that Whitney and Arden used to be neighbors and played together when they were kids, so Arden hesitates more to help the PC if Whitney is the one harassing them. (Will save the PC if they mention their name at high love, but takes -love for putting them in that position.)

Desperately wants Whitney to quit smoking.

Dismissing Arden should be an option and I've thought of a couple of ways to go about it; have Arden arrested, they get the blame if when you raid with them you leave tons of evidence. Two, leave them alone, do not engage, Arden takes care of themselves in a default circumstance. TBA

Arden does not trust any of the staff at the school. They're already in shit with the teachers, they'd just be blamed anyway.

Actually really likes math, since they're good at it. Used to only attend classes taught by River.

Owes Harper money

Others;

High skulduggery PC who goes straight to Domus street after school as a chance of encountering/noticing Arden who looks at them like,

Embarrassed if you notice the shitty duplex they live in.

Chance encounter of finding Arden in the hospital, with a high skulduggery, visiting a patient. If Arden finds out, relationship depending, they attempt to kick the shit out of you

[gangrenados]

Downside of the party

Can I request a Jason todd imagine where she is in danger like a mugging or something and robin saves her and she like hugs him and realizes it's jason who is Robin idk I had that idea! Thank you!!

Note well instead of the reader finding out themselves I made Jason to do it by mistake. So this is fem reader, also this is long af

Going to that party was a stupid idea. You didn't even want to go to in the first place, but of course your friends convinced you, and now where were you? walking the streets of Gotham alone and scared to death.

Your footsteps echoed on the almost empty street; it was strange to be here, on your own.

The buildings looked bigger and the neon lights from the small business ads made everything seem unreal and lonely...

As you crossed the street, you sighed, you could be in your cozy bed sleeping right now, but you didn't want to listen to Jason.

He warned you about that area and the people who were going. All of them were just going to get high and drink until they were unconscious, in the process they would destroy everything in their path. There are no doubt it was a bestial party.

He offered to go with you and make sure you stay alive after the party, but you refused.Yes, you wanted to be with him, but you were aware that this would only be harmful to him.

This past few days he hasn't been in the best terms with his dad; Jason told you it wasn't a big thing, but riding a motorcycle under a a house sounds like a big thing to you, so it was better if he didn't get in more trouble.

Before you said goodbye to Jason you told him that he was being paranoid, everything was going to be fine and that he didn't have to worry.

"Look little bitch, if you scream I’ll shoot you" someone grabbed your arm with force, so much so that you were sure it would leave a mark.

Fear ran through your entire body like a whiplash. Your mind went blank and your legs were shaking, the only thought running through your mind was that maybe you wouldn't survive ...

The stranger yanked you to an empty alley, the gun pressed against your back, and his dirty breath slammed into your face.

"Now you're going to give me everything you have, are we clear?" he ordered bringing his face close to yours, his lips brushed your ear and this made you whimper.

This only got you a hit from his gun. "Make a sound again and I'm going to do something worse to you ..." the mugger smirked, that made your stomach twist in disgust.

Your fingers trembled as you tried to take off your purse. You felt how the tears were falling down your cheeks and you did your best not to let out a sob.

When the man grabbed your purse someone landed behind him, getting the attention of your mugger.

The figure was in the shadows so you couldn't tell who was the interrupter; the stranger walked up to the mugger and punched him in the nose making him step back.

"What the fu-" before he could finish his talk another hit came, this time a kick in head, and then another. His head bounced in the concrete a few times between the kicks.

"Hey," the stranger walked up to you, the pale light hitting him. It was a vigilante, in fact the one who worked with Batman; Robin you guessed." you good?"

You nodded, biting your lower lip to control you craying.  "Thank you very much..." you muttered hugging him, hiding your face in his chest. "You're my savior..."

"Don't worry, it's my job after all ..." he said breathlessly, hugging you back. He tenderly ran his hand over your head.

"I told you it was dangerous to go out alone, you should have listened to me ..." he murmured, but regretting shortly after.

Maybe you didn't hear, your sobs and crying were loud enough to cover that, at least it was he hoped.

You separated from him in what you heard what he said; you could feel how the heat left your face when processing the unexpected information that had just given you.

"It can't be ..." you thought incredulously, shaking your head slightly. "Jason?"

"Shit," Jason muttered to himself. He took a deep breath and released it like a sigh, "Yes, it's me ..."

"H-how is this possible?"

Jason leaned down next to the thief and took the gun; He was frowning as he removed the cartridge and the bullets.

He listened as you spluttered about what had happened, about how he was able to knock down a guy twice as big as him so easily, and about how you didn't know anything about him being vigilant, but the only thing that occurred to him was how he would answer all of that. .

"Listen," Jason said seriously. He got up and threw the gun in the trash. "I'll tell you everything, but we have to get out of here. I'll walk you home, c'mon..."

----

Fortunately, no one was out late at night. The view you had of the other buildings was strangely beautiful, alone, but that also fit this whole situation.

You looked Jason up and down, putting your lips in a thin line as you examined every hit, scrape and cut he had, how could you not notice before?

His explanation of how he became Robin - skipping some details, just that you weren't aware - ran through your mind over and over. It was an incredible thing to know this, you were amazed, sad and confused, many emotions at the same time...

Jason leaned on the railing, his hands were clasped while waiting for a reaction of you, a scream, tears or maybe a kiss, the truth was he just wanted you to do something.

" This is ...wow." you muttered, Jason looked away from the street and turned to you.

"Yeah I know," He wrapped his arms  around your waist and drew you to him. "I don't expect you to understand everything at once, but I just want you to be clear that I'm going to do it so they don't try to mugg you againg or hurt you in general. " He shrugged his shoulders before kissing you on the forehead.

"Thanks, Jay, " you giggled, wrapping your arms around his back. " Do you want to stay? My roommates will not be here until six a.m.... " you proposed, biting your lips while waiting for your answer.

Jason smiled, thinking about it for a few seconds only to annoy you.  "Hell yeah... "

[essiekoneill]

Hi, do you think that the reason that I'm so addicted lol / "connected" to your tumblr is because I miss that connection in real life (like alienation)? Or are you just an idol to me ahaha? Andddd do you have any tips and tricks for not feeling isolated/alienated in a peer group... I don't really keep up with pop culture a lot and that's usually what they'll talk about...

uhhh so conflicting emotional reaction haha! So happy you are enjoying me here... I often question the word ‘addiction’ cause nowadays aren’t we all dependant on sooo many things... like obviously oxygen and food and shelter are essentials, but we all have our things? I love youtube, tv, reading, weed, wine, eating homecooked meals... heck I was beyond addicted to following Andrew Yang’s campaign (so sad about his suspension, though truly a feat to bring UBI into mainstream thought, among so many of his incredible policies, he gave me so much hope)... but back to my addictions, I’m beyond addicted to Isaak... I’m also addicted to my friends for support and guidance and understanding... addicted/dependent/connected - how r we to know, only if something is causing suffering/pain, like drug abuse/gambling/unhealthy food then there’s a problem... but the way I see it, we gotta find what gives us honest pleasure and take that seriously. 

I reckon we are all alienated to our natural selves... we spent the majority of our evolution in large tribal communities, where socialising was the main thing...  cause of post-capitalism/natural world devastation/pollution, insane poverty and income inequality, 40+ hour work week expectation/normalisation... horrifying illness, greed and corruption... everyone is alienated to varying degrees...

In this world rn, I am addicted to finding new sources of resonance, so anything that helps me feel connected to my preferred reality, dreams, truths... so maybe my tumblr is a version of that for you, hopefully haha! 

But okay tips to not feel so isolated/alienated in a peer group... eee idk, completely depends on what group and the context...

I naturally talk a lot, always have something to say if I know the person/people... working on listening more than nonstop ranting, cause I can go on and on... but can’t say I’ve been in a peer group recently... are we talking school, uni, work? 

I really enjoy small groups / connecting with new people... so I can’t think of many tips other than keep at it! I remember when I was travelling with my ex for his work, I felt sooo insanely antisocial and paranoid simply cause I just stopped seeing anyone else, and was alone a lot of the time when he’d work 12+ hour shifts, sometimes 12 days in a row. The longer I spent alone, the more weird and scary other people became... 

So looking back, I definitely found socialising hard when I broke up with him and started over in Brisbane, and it wasn’t until my last bar job and being poly that I found my confidence and joy in meeting new people again... so I’d say the more you socialise the more natural group settings might feel... keep trying, try to watch them more than watching/analysing yourself... hinge, bumble bff, local gigs, bar trivia, volunteering, reading in cafes, libraries, public parks... all things I’ve pushed myself to do when I’m feeling especially alienated.  

Also, not sure what’s pop culture to you... I kinda like mafs atm :S and I love the Kardashians for its insanity... spend way too much time on youtube, so I guess I’d classify all that as pop culture, right? 

[kittenkwueen]

After: Ever Never

Part One: Chapter One Page Four

It was him. I can feel the bile in my throat threatening to escape me. Before, it was sweet, but now he's getting creepy. It's not in my nature to shut someone down, let alone cheat. yet somehow, with Noah, I feel shyer than I ever have with Hardin. And Hardin was the bad boy, the player.

Hardin welcomed my awkwardness. Noah well. He's just Noah. His big nose always seems to find my hair or clothing. Today is no different.

"Sorry, you just came out of nowhere."

"Noah, you're a soccer player. You're more likely to be found in a field than in a cafe. You don't even drink coffee."

"W-well I-."

"My mom put you on babysitting duty again? Or are you watching me again, Noah?"

"Tessa I just..."

I roll my eyes staring up at him, confused about what to say. He's grown, but it does not change where we stand. He's been watching me since the whole book deal happened. Hardin and I had no real conversation after that.

My life was on paper, he was too, and I was scared. Paranoid that I could be judged. Paranoid about being called things, "slut, whore." I was probably the first to be torn apart from a game of truth or dare. It's such child's play and so stupid, but how do I escape it? I can't.

Noah wouldn't do that, and sometimes I hate myself for not being able to love him. That's the thing with love. It's harder to give than hate.

What's even harder to give than love is to fake it. Noah loves aspects of me. He may care for me as a person. Hardin cared for me because I was his person. His favorite person. And now. That's gone. My world moves slower, so slow I can analyze my whole life in thirty seconds, come back and talk to Noah right now.

"Noah, I'm seriously fine. Please don't watch me again."

"Tessa, we all worry about you."

"I'm not a child. Don't treat me like one."

After realizing the mess, I groan, grabbing napkins to clean the floor.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs."

Noah grumbled an apology under his breath as we dried the area in relative silence. He looks older and more mature, but it doesn't change the fact he's creepy.

Hardin would do things like this, but I've slept with him, lived with him. Noah? We've shared awkward kisses and light touching. Scott would sacrifice the world for me to even smile. Noah just begs or stalks, and it's not normal.

What even is normal anymore? Since the game of truth or dare, the day I met Hardin, nothing has felt okay. Every second we spend apart, my memory of him intensifies. And every second I spend with Noah gives me the creeps. I'm in a twilight zone of feelings these days, I saw a puppy and I cried because I wanted to get one for Hardin. Yay emotion.

"Noah, we should go. Talk somewhere else." I try to keep my voice soft so he takes it as a friendly conversation. As expected, like a child, he got over-excited anyway. This is so not going to end well.

We finish up, and I give the desk lady a nod. She gives me an attitude. Weirdly enough, she reminded me of Trevor just now. Not now, brain. Not. Now. Yell at Noah, cry about boys later. A boy. But what's the difference.

[anieelmo]

Pandemic

All things aside, this pandemic has started taking it's toll on me. I went on maternity leave on March 3rd due to an increase of anxiety episodes caused by the stress at work. A week after I started my leave, the pandemic started to happen. Everyone started getting overly cautious and even a little bit more racist. Two weeks after the pandemic started, the states started going on lock-down. It wasn't as bad at first, but the last time I went out just casually was on March 16th, when me and the hubs went to Target so I could get a hand mixer because I couldn't whip the egg whites by hand anymore (seriously, if you haven't tried, its a b*tch to do). After that, I haven't left the car any time that we would go out.

I haven't really hung out properly with my friends in person. Since Skye was born our friends would come and drop by, but they'd be 6+ feet away. I mean, yeah there's still social interaction, but there's no personal social interaction involved; which to me takes away the bonding qualities. I miss spending time with other people aside from the ones I live with. I know I can video chat, call, and/or text, but it doesn't beat physical social interactions.

This pandemic really made me regret my personal choice of social distancing even before this whole pandemic/social distancing order came. I used to not really want to socialize that much because of personal reasons, but now it makes me realize how much I took it for granted. I thought I was gonna get cabin fever from motherhood, but it turns out that it's because of this stupid quarantine.

Honestly, if people listened and just stayed home for those two weeks that were requested, it wouldn't have been this bad. Also, I think it's how poorly some of the government personnel are handling the situation right now. I'm honestly hesitating on going back to work because of what's going on. At this rate, it looks like things aren't going to let up soon, but I hope that I'm wrong.

I want people to meet Skye and be able to interact with him as well, but this whole thing has made me so paranoid. Although I do trust certain few people, but there are A LOT of people who I know would LOVE to come over to meet the little guy that I'm super uneasy about. Another issue is that, if I go back to work, who's going to watch my son? With this whole thing going around, I really can't/don't trust anyone to watch him. Also, I DO NOT want a stranger to watch my son either. Even if it's a friend of a friend or a relative of a friend. If I don't know you or have any personal interaction/emotion with you, then I DO NOT want you watching/babysitting my son. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, but I don't want anything happening to my baby & I have a lot of trust issues with people. You may know someone, but you really don't know someone. Anyone can turn their backs on you or flip a switch.

posted on WP 4.16.20