#Look he bullied me a lot in retrospect but that is the thing I will never forgive him for dshgjkndsgfdh

[illdothehotvoice]

Actually no on the topic this kid sucked regardless but DUDE. THE PAPYRUS ENDING??? That's so fucking cruel dshgjkfh 😭. I'm the Papyrus guy why would you spoil the Papyrus ending for me dshjgkfdh.

[nicosraf]

Wait what did Freydis Moon do? :( I've read their books and really liked them, but I don't follow them anywhere online, so that last ask you got worried me

Freydis Moon has been exposed to be Taylor Barton, a white person from the state of Oregon, someone who had a history of faking their race, being racist, and general abusive behavior. You can read more here about this Taylor person here, and you can find an incredibly long thread here.

Freydis was a colleague of mine, and they took me under their wing when I entered the indie book scene. They presented themselves as a Latine, mystic, queer trans author — who was older than me, I should add — so I deeply admired them and confided in them. I don't think ABM would have ever gotten much attention if I hadn't received their guidance.

There had been some whispers that Freydis was really Taylor, but I'd seen Frey's seemingly darker-skinned hands and heard their real name, which was supposedly Daniela.

Two things I should say before the big reveal: Freydis briefly hired a publicist named Cordi, who was also an agent with their own agency, named The Lynne Agency. Cordi, very randomly, decided to leave the industry and left their clients, and Freydis, hanging. Someone else to mention is Saint Harlow, an author of gay, cannibal erotica. On twitter, Saint was known for peddling a lot of drama — sometimes, he was on the good side of things and sometimes the bad, but he tended to be a massive bully. Freydis allegedly comforted some of Saint's victims.

And the reveal:

Freydis is the race faker Taylor Barton. The evidence is substantial, but most notably, some of the files they shared with other authors, including me, had metadata with the names of Taylor Barton's other identities. I was able to check the files myself to confirm.

They were also Saint Harlow. Meaning Freydis was bullying people secretly on one account and comforting them on another. And the bullying was a lot more disgusting than you might think, but for the sake of the victim, I won't share details.

They were also the publicist/agent Cordi. Why did they pretend to be an agent at all? I'm not sure but they wasted a lot of authors' times, that's for sure. Were they just looking to plagiarize off manuscripts sent to them? Who knows. (A friend of mine who sent their manuscript to them fears so).

There were a lot of interactions between Taylor and I that are much much weirder in retrospect. They critiqued the industry use of #ownvoices, which I agreed about, but blew the issue out of proportion, like thinking #ownvoices gay-trans author book lists shouldn't exist because of potential outing, mlm books by mlm authors lists shouldn't exist because of potential outing, and that lists of books by people of color about people of color also shouldn't exist because... potential outing? Taylor was, to me, oddly sympathetic toward certain authors accused of racism and shot down my concerns of a certain book with what I felt to be pro-colonizer themes inconsistently — their response to racism seemed to depend on whether they already disliked a person or not.

I could say a lot more but as someone who spoke to Taylor in private at times, there were a lot of things I was unsure about even when I was on their side of things. To some people, apparently, Freydis had said they were part Mexican, but only ever told me they were Peruvian (they might've known I'd clock them as a faker). Regardless, when this all came to light, their response was shockingly dismissive.

This may be more info than you asked for but TLDR:

Freydis Moon faked their race and ethnicity, bullied and manipulated many readers and authors using various fake identities, took advantage of latine author resources, and so on.

[justfandomwritings]

An essay on why I won’t be watching next season.

1. Obviously actors have to promote their shows and hype them up. But the interactions between Nicola and Luke during the press tour were, in retrospect, clearly also acting performances, and it is rare to see acting within the press tour to the degree that those two put on while grossly exaggerating things like how sexy this season would be or how much Polin we would get. I don’t blame them. It’s clearly what they were told to do. And it’s fine to hype a show, but I think a lot of people felt genuinely lied to with the WAY this season was hyped.

2. The casting has been color conscious and inclusive in a way I greatly admire. But they have not been inclusive in other ways. And that’s not to say they should have to be. One show shouldn’t bear the responsibility of being inclusive to everyone and making up for an industries worth of exclusion. But we have exactly one size inclusive character in this whole show, and I’m not even demanding more, but to butcher the season of the only size inclusive person in this show this badly and in these ways sends me a clear message of what the writers thought they could get away with with a curvy actress and how they saw her.

3. The wait times for this season and next season are just too long. The hype dies down too much between seasons such that we care less and less each time we get a new one, especially when you only give eight episodes, regardless of their length. You know who also gave us a season in 2022 and then an eight episode season this year? house of the dragon. And they have to CGI a fuck ton of dragons. Yall were sitting on this season being done filming for over a year and for what? What did you do in post? A bee? And then to have the audacity to do it in two parts? Fuck off.

4. Add to that. The costumes and new sets looked so much cheaper this season than previous seasons. Where did the budget go.

5. The plot is too crowded. Maybe you thought a curvy girl couldn’t carry a season. Maybe it was bad writing. Obviously you needed Cressida and Eloise to have decent amounts of screen time but you also did half of Francesca’s story and set one up for Violet and Benedict that collectively took the majority of the screen time and left us with very little Pen and Colin. Which was a disservice you never gave Anthony or Daphne’s seasons and was why they were good. We got enough crumbs of the others to tell us what was happening but not enough to make them feel like main characters or to make it feel like an ensemble show. There were leads in season 1 and 2. This season it was an ensemble with too many moving parts. But everyone’s said that. It’s not surprising.

6. My biggest problem is the tone. The blame. Admittedly I’m a woman who relates strongly to Penelope so I’m not impartial here. But for a character who spends her entire life being abused by every single person in this show, who is pushed to her absolute breaking point before finally giving her mother and the tonne a taste of their own medicine. For that character to receive no grace, no understanding, no respect, for the vast majority of the season hurt. To not only have zero understanding of her situation but to frame the entire plot of the show around the fact that SHE alone should be sorry. To have minimal to no groveling from Colin over what he said last season, to have no acknowledgment of how he treated her as a safety net, to humanize Cressida who made her life hell with minimal acknowledgment of that fact, to have Eloise get ONE comment from Cressida of all people about her friendship with Penelope but no real reflection from Eloise or acknowledgment on her part or apologies for what a truly SHIT friend she was for DECADES. That hurt. Because the message is that sure, they can push you to your fucking limit, you can break after years of being bullied for your weight and your looks and your status. Your own mother and sisters hands can be filthy with insults and abuse. Your friends can treat you like utter garbage for years. They can befriend your bullies. Your soon to be husband can, very recently, insult you to his friends behind your back. But you owe them the apology for breaking after years of abuse. It’s not that the tonne couldn’t be angry or that they all should’ve fallen at Pen’s feet. It’s that those arguments never happen at all because once again, just like when she was being used and abused by everyone, everything was put on Penelope. And the cycle continues.

7. Colin should’ve groveled more. I know I said that in the previous point but it really ruined things for me so I want to emphasize it. I wanted that man on his knees the whole season, and I should’ve known I wasn’t gonna get that when y’all dropped the list of songs and there wasn’t any of the A List Yearners on the list. But I’m still mad.

8. Actually that’s a good point. Did anyone else think the songs didn’t go as hard this year? Except Pitbull were we excited about any of them?

9. You did the Pride and Prejudice ballroom trick with the dancing alone thing and you didn’t nail it. If you’re gonna do that trick it has to fucking HIT. (And it has to be enemies to lovers.) And you did it half assed. You should be ashamed.

10. There was a two second window there when Cressida asked the maid for help where I thought they were gonna swap lives and the maid would go with her aunt and Cressida would become a maid and I was like “holy fuck is Cressida gonna become Bennys love interest?” and that would’ve been better than what y’all did I think. And it would’ve justified her excessive screen time.

11. I love gender swapping Michaela and making Francesca bi. We love it. But why was Francesca immediately interested. Once again the writers don’t understand pining. Michaela is PINING for Francesca and can do nothing but love her from afar. Francesca loved John completely and whole heartedly. Michaela was a beautiful love story for her but was also a second chance. She loved John completely. She would never have an emotional affair on him. How did you immediately ruin such a beautiful second chance romance?

12. Where was Pen’s friendship with Anthony or Lady Danbury? Why wasn’t Colin proud of Pen the way he was in the book? To make her even more alone? To emphasize that she was alone and at fault and helpless? Fuck off.

I just don’t have it in me to watch this show deteriorate further.

[neonscandal]

explain to me how bakugo is traumatized. the kid he grew up with was nice to him once and he immediately came to the conclusion that he should die. that's not trauma, that's being insane.

I'm going to start with the fact that, justifiably, there's never a reason to tell someone to kill themselves. Additionally, note that me saying Bakugo is traumatized does not mean that Midoriya is also not traumatized.

Regarding your question, the trauma that I mentioned on a recent ask, (I assume this one prompted your question) referenced the following:

Captured by the Slime Villain, effectively bound and suffocated in front of an audience (doesn't include the fall out after being someone who is publicly assaulted)

Muzzled, bound and robbed of autonomy in front of a national audience at the Sports Festival

Kidnapped and bound by the LOV (the forcible binding is recurrent through all the above)

Don't really have to go into the swath of issues he and Class 1A likely can and do develop from being child pawns in a war of adults but that can be applied as well re: survivor's guilt, PTSD, paranoia from the mole, etc. from the PLF arc and up until current manga events (I didn't feel like a spoiler warning).

Things that people don't tend to capture in the box of Bakugo's characterization:

He comes from a verbally and physically abusive household, demonstrably (you can jump down to the second paragraph of Bakugo's Strengths listed here for my thoughts on that impact)

Forced to defend himself against older kids from a young age and possibly on a recurring basis, as referenced in the above image. We could probably chalk the confrontation up to a consequence of his false overconfidence, sure. But does that justify 4th graders ganging up on what looks like a kindergartener/first grader?

As for Bakugo and Midoriya's relationship, we don't have much to go on. We know they were close and amicable as kids, things likely went to shit when Midoriya didn't develop a quirk, there's some beetle excursion in the woods that Bakugo refers back to a lot which is pending further context for readers/viewers, and then there's a fall in the river which really soured relations as Bakugo misinterpreted genuine kindness for condescension (see home life and such above). Again, none of this justifies the bullying we see at the start of the series or the way their interactions have shocking physical components. But what I do find interesting is that I've previously likened Bakugo's disposition to Endeavors but, in retrospect, I think he's a strong parallel for Dabi too.

Dabi's rage stems from being robbed of what he thinks is his inalienable birthright as the oldest son and heir to Endeavor's legacy. He disproportionately targets Shouto as the usurper of what is rightfully his. Dabi's claim, of course, makes more sense from a traditional and, probably, cultural standpoint. But the reason I mention it is that I don't think Bakugo was constantly telling Midoriya to take a swan dive off a roof. It doesn't forgive the bullying but it contextualizes why, that day, the bullying reached a new height when Midoriya was outed for still trying to get into UA. Bakugo saw this as an immediate threat to his position because, even though he didn't admit it at the time, if anyone could get into UA, quirkless or not, Bakugo knew Midoriya could.

Just as Midoriya has always seen Bakugo as being heroic and capable of being number 1, Midoriya proves time and time again that, even without a quirk, he's got the spirit of a hero and is successful in spaces where Bakugo is not. As the story progresses, we see evidence and the ultimate manifestation of Bakugo's remorse through his apology and other ways he's softened up. I'm not saying he wasn't a little shit but that's also not all he was (IDK if you've met kids but... without healthy socialization they can be little emotional terrorists). As things have unfolded, we see that, internally, Bakugo uses thoughts of Midoriya to galvanize his path forward and we've recently confirmed that when Bakugo spoke to Kirishima about strength... he was referring to Midoriya, you can scroll down to paragraphs around the last picture. I'm just gleeful about calling it. But, suffice it to say they've both been looking to one another this whole time.

There are still periphery pieces of their background missing because the story is largely from Midoriya's perspective. I don't think we'll get a comprehensive backstory but I think there will be some sort of meaningful explanation behind the beetle trip that may inform why Bakugo ultimately misinterpreted things so poorly at the river. I mean, maybe it's as simple as the fact that he couldn't fathom kindness because it's something not typically afforded to those who are perceived as strong. I don't know but I look forward to finding out.

[lady-forest-1142]

I NEED to talk about how chloe or sam or sophia or marcus by taylor swift is a kevjean song, so settle in. I'm kinda running with the idea that the verses are v kevin coded and the chorus & bridge is jean. behold.

Your hologram stumbled into my apartment Hands in the hair of somebody in darkness named Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus And I just watched it happen not to start this off dark but with these two it's kinda hard to avoid - I don't remember if kevin knew about jean's abuse at the hands of the backliners/grayson, but he def knew about jean's reputation as a whore and pretty obviously didn't/couldn't stop it As the decade would play us for fools And you saw my bones out with somebody new Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school And you just watched it happen swap out 'he' for 'she' and you've got kevin leaving jean and dating thea, which I am still dying for more info on - how was thea affected by the nest? what part did she play in jean's treatment? I think it's fair to say that she couldn't have been entirely blameless. what does jean think about her actions in retrospect, and her connection to kevin?

If you want to break my cold, cold heart Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were' If you want to tear my world apart Just say you've always wondered this is v jean coded to me. I could be kinda projecting here, but I feel like it would be easier to imagine that kevin didn't feel as deeply for him as jean did for him (cause regardless of if you view them as romantic or platonic jean felt A Whole Lot), than to think that kevin did care for him, did feel something for that scared little boy whispering french in the darkness, and left him anyway.

You said some things that I can't unabsorb You turned me into an idea of sorts You needed me but you needed drugs more And I couldn't watch it happen okay I'll admit that I can't make the "you needed drugs more" line work, but! "you turned me into an idea of sorts" is a defensive shield a guilty person could throw up - jean turning kevin into an idea and then being hurt when he made the very human decision to run away and never look back I changed into goddesses, villains and fools Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules All to outrun my desertion of you And you just watched it IF THIS IS NOT THE MOST KEVJEAN THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN HELLO I think it speaks for itself

If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh Down that passage in time Back to the moment I crashed into you Like so many wrecks do Too impaired by my youth To know what to do they were both children in the nest, frightened and hurt, and even though kevin was older than jean he still was too young not to make mistakes, not to hurt him by accident, not to think of anything besides his own needs in his darkest moment

So if I sell my apartment And you have some kids with an internet starlet Will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon like it never happened Could it be enough to just float in your orbit Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses Cooler in theory but not if you force it To be, it just didn't happen here is where the jean perspective comes in again. I have so so many feelings about this but I'll try to be coherent - jean is still haunted by kevin, by his lingering attachment to him, by how he still cannot forgive kevin for leaving him. to see kevin living a relatively normal life outside the nest, while jean still can barely function day to day largely because of the consequences he received from kevin's actions, cuts him deeply. kevin has more concerns now than jean - jean has nothing other than his trauma and kevin (at least at the beginning of trc). if jean moves on, if he lets go of the nest, if he accepts his place on the outskirts of kevin's life, would that be enough? or will he always be pulled back, wondering what could have been?

I almost never write out my song analysis and most of this was thought of at 2am so idk if it makes any sense but I had to get it out

[enneamage]

i hate reflecting on dsmp plot points and their irl parallels because if i think about tommy putting half his traumatic life experiences (stalking, getting bullied badly) onto his oc in various levels of execution and then not giving him a happy ending i start going crazy. the dsmp finale lining up with groomer allegations and c!tommy forgiving his abuser at the same time was so 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 they were pushing propaganda /j

the varying levels of how much someone was an oc and how much they separated their character from themselves and the parasocial birds eye view we could get from those people based on how they played situations (tommy, dream, wilbur to me all had themselves embedded into the core of their ocs to a certain degree; dream with his own entitlement just taken to an extreme, wilbur’s mix of narcissism & self-hate, tommy, oh chommy 😞) like for sure with some people who came in late and thus came in with separation of themselves from the story it’s not fully fruitful to analyze but those early people who just straight admitted “this was me, this is straight up what i think i would do in this situation” i think parasocial brain should be allowed to go brrrrrrrrrrrrrr for at least half an hour like. something something imbuing your subconscious feelings into what your creating something something I need to be Sedated

The DSMP ending lands very bitter in retrospect because the note they end on is a yearning for things to go back to being simple again. A few of the plot threads leading up to it had themes of “I wish things were back the way they were before all this” and the implication was that Volume Two was going to be that. It’s safe to say that there was too much real history put behind the CCs by the time it all built up, you can’t turn back time. 

Chommy indeed suffered but I’m too much of a hardass to let him off the hook 100%, c!Tommy was a lot of Tommy’s capacity to dig his own grave and then not understand why he’s in This Big Fucking Hole. The difficulty with seeing others points of view fully was present in C! And CC, and was tied into his ending when he challenged himself, which while inevitably not perfect I saw the vision for at the time.

C!Dream stays with me because of the communication breakdown inherent to his character. Lost in a plot to make things right again and looking to a future that he can devise mechanically because he couldn’t have it naturally. The way knee-jerk instincts and mechanics brain got in his own way, lost in a plan he buried his feelings in.

I’ve written on Wilbur too many times we don’t gotta linger on it. But damn. 

Q turning envy into ambition and then dicking himself and his employees over on the back of his own hubris. 

Honestly I even have one eye on Charlie’s slime bit being about pretending to be ‘normal’ but missing the mark in terms of imitation from time to time. Being a natural at improv can be very double sided if it goes deep enough.

[zonedelicious]

Defending Ben 10 Alien Force Season 3 With My Life!

(An analysis of Ben's character and why I find it consistent up to this point)

This essay thingy is part one of a bigger project where I rewatch all of Ben 10 and look back on the series. A sort of retrospective.

Originally I wanted to watch all the shows, and then write one big post. But I decided to do it in parts to make it easier. And since the final season of alien force is largely hated, I thought I should focus on it specifically (since I have very different opinions than everyone on this).

Now when starting I did expect to see Ben's character be inconsistent, going from classic, to alien force, to season 3 of alien force. That is the popular opinion online and the one I had as a kid. Ben goes from childish kid, to mature teen, to an even more childish kid.

So I'm sure a lot of people are going to be shocked when I say that not only do I completely disagree with this perspective, I found Ben's character strangely consistent through both shows and I think he only becomes more nuanced and interesting by the end.

First I think most people who say Ben is either childish, or mature, or a psychopath, don't really know what these words mean, or don't even understand how Ben's character traits work.

(the psycho thing we'll get to in the next post since we haven't gotten to ultimate alien yet)

Does being mature mean you can't be petty or selfish sometimes? Does having negative traits automatically make you a child? This is the kind of flaw in ben 10 discussion I have noticed with this rewatch, we associate bad traits with regression and good traits with development. But that is very shallow way to look at fiction. Characters can have more than one trait, they can even have conflicting traits. And character development can also include negative development.

I think Ben's maturity is something that's greatly overstated, because his personality in Alien Force is a trait he has shown in the classic series many times. And by boiling him down to childish and mature Ben, it takes away a lot of the nuance he has as a character.

So enough about that, let's go back to the beginning.

Ben 10 (the original show)

The start of the series shows us that Ben is a kid who just wants to sit back and enjoy life, but hates bullies and wants to help others. And also he really loves his grandpa (this is a clue that will help us later).

Throughout the first season Ben struggles with being a hero. He struggles to differentiate helping people selflessly, and helping people because he gets a kick out of it. For a 10 year old his behavior is very realistic. Of course he wants to be seen as a big shot and be validated for his actions.

It isn't until Max is hospitalized that Ben finally realises the dangers of the world he's in. That's when we see Ben drop the hero act and turn into a scared kid. We see him at his most vulnerable. The first look at the real Ben.

Ben and Max fight a lot in the original show, but despite that Max is probably the most important person in Ben's life. Even more than his parents. And I think it's largely because Ben wishes he can be more free like his grandpa. Living in an rv and going wherever you want. So losing Max for 10 year old Ben is the worst thing that can happen to him. He not only looks up to grandpa Max, he idolises him and wants to follow in his footsteps. Which becomes more obvious once Ben finds out about the Plumbers. And now season 2 is about Ben becoming an even bigger hero.

The first season definitely has the most consistent narrative of the classic series. I think Ben doesn't really learn much until the movie. He does learn to be closer with his family, but there's no real challenge for him like the first season. People will say this is the show recycling his character arc, which I sort of get, but it's not the same to me. Ben isn't being challenged on the same level, he's just going through episodic cartoon plots. A lot of it isn't serious so Ben isn't really being serious. To him he's the cool alien with a badass grandfather and can solve any problem. It's all a fun adventure to him.

Even when he meets his future self the message is that Ben being a kid and having fun is what makes him Ben. It's future Ben who has to learn to have fun and be a kid again. A clever twist on the time travel trope.

Despite that Ben is shown to be more responsible with the hero stuff. He tries to help others not just by literally saving their lives, but also talking to them, or standing up to villains. Kevin being the best example. Ben tries to befriend him many times, but will also risk his own life to stop Kevin from hurting Gwen. Which at the moment Ben didn't even have the Omnitrix at the end of season 2. We see that despite being a kid he's also gotten braver.

Another note, Gwen and Ben have a pretty good relationship from the start. While they do fight it's never anything serious, they're just being kids and fooling around. The kind of childish arguments you forget in an hour. Yet they're very close and love goofing around together. You can tell that they care for each other despite the petty banter.

Of course once we get to the secret of the Omnitrix (the true ending of the first show imo) Ben's character is finally given its conclusion for the classic series. Here Max's role is swapped with Tetrax, Ben looks up to Tetrax in a similar way, and while Tetrax is friendly, he's also the guy who really knows how to get Ben to reflect on his actions. Once Ben thinks he has lost Gwen he is back to the scared vulnerable kid. We see all his aggression, how he blames himself, how all that weight is really hard for him to process at such a young age.

What's even better about this is how the movie starts with Ben causing trouble for Gwen and they get in a fight. But Gwen still sneaks into Tetrax's ship to help Ben. So losing Gwen is not only him losing his cousin. Ben's losing someone he felt responsible for. He's failing Gwen, himself, and grandpa Max all at the same time.

Of course Gwen is alive but it doesn't change that Ben has finally opened up about his insecurities and we finally get a full look into his inner self. Which brings us to...

Alien Force, the show that made Ben mature (or did it?)

Now remember everything I said about his character? Now think about the plot of alien force. Ben realises his grandfather is missing, there's an alien conspiracy that his grandfather entrusted him to solve, and even an old foe is there he needs to ally with.

Ben is essentially forced to take up the role of grandpa Max in the story. And for a 15 year old that's a lot of pressure to take.

I'd say Ben's character shift for Alien Force is not only organic, it's the natural follow up to his character arc in the classic show. As someone who's always seeking validation now finally being put in a position where he has to be the person he always looked up to. Sure the stakes were high in classic, but Max (and Tetrax) was always there to help and give Ben motivation.

There's an aura of tension early on as Ben still doesn't even trust Kevin. He doesn't understand the new Omnitrix or the new aliens. He has to watch max die and still keep his cool. Because he was trusted this role and can't let Max down.

I don't think Ben matured, he was forced into a role of being the mature adult at 15.

Even Ben's parents are mad at him for doing all this. As they should because Ben is still a kid. He shouldn't be risking his life. He should literally be at the club. The first thing he does before he puts on the Omnitrix again is talk to Gwen. Because he needs her help. And Kevin. Later from other plumber kids too. He isn't doing it all by himself, and he understands that he can't do it alone to an extent. But despite that there's still that urge to be the leader. The one who has to be in charge all the time. He wants to prove himself after all.

Ben's ability to befriend others, is ultimately his strongest trait in the first 2 seasons. It's what ends up saving the universe after all. Something that wasn't all that present in the original show, but can be seen through characters like Kevin, who Ben tried to help many times. And now he's his best ally.

A lot of this is very subtle, and some of it might even be my own interpretation of the story. I don't know if the writers intended all this nuance I'm describing. It is only interesting to look back and analyse it.

The mystery and the slow lumin threat of the highbreed is a good plot for Ben's arc of taking up responsibility. It's something he can't directly solve as easily as in the classic show. Where in the classic show any problem he faced was over in 1 or 2 episodes. All mystery was behind the scenes with him not being aware.

But now it's different. The mystery comes crashing into him. He literally got a football medal the same day he found out his grandfather has went missing because of a secret alien invasion that's been going on for a long time. Again the pressure he's put under comes at him suddenly and he has to adjust to it all in the moment. He's 15 years old.

And despite all odds Ben comes through and stops the invasion, saving the entire galaxy. With the help of all the people he befriended of course. Ben finally proved himself to his grandfather and to the entire universe that he is worthy of being a hero. In the classic series he showed he was a hero, but was still a kid who had learning to do. But now he proved he can stand on his own as a man at age 15.

So naturally Ben took a break.

The part where I shamelessly defend season 3 with my life

The shift for season 3 is off (especially when the first episode starts with an argument we have no context for) and I understand some of this was a mandate, yet I love it. It's a strange shift at first until you start to think what is actually going on in Ben's head.

He finally did what he always wanted to achieve. Become a great hero like his grandfather. The galaxy loves him. And all that validation is more than enough to tell him to relax for now.

Ben had to take a break after all the pressure that was placed on him. He needed a break. He needed to be a teenager again who watches cartoons and has fun. It's important for his mental health after all.

Of course this is a cartoon and he isn't real. But this analysis isn't about that, it's about trying to understand what kind of person Ben is.

Still i do not see how Ben is stupid or childish in these episodes. Relaxed and silly yeah, but in a teenager way, not a 10 year old Ben way. With the gold poop episode for instance I went in expecting to hate it, but now I love it. It's a decent mystery, and Ben's chill attitude makes sense for the situation. It's a celebration and Ben loves to party. Of course he'd be silly with the little aliens.

What I have noticed however is despite Ben being relaxed he's still pretty clever and mature throughout season 3. His quick thinking is actually a major part of this season. With it being directly referenced and even being how he saves the day at the end of the season. I did not expect the show to directly point out Ben's most useful trait and then focus on it durring what's basically his downfall arc.

To reference a few times Ben does this in this season:

In the vreedle episode, Julie emergency calls Ben and Ben shows up seconds later. He didn't wait to think, he arrived as fast as possible once finding out she's in danger.

In the episode where Ben is trapped in the null void without the Omnitrix, we see him actually surviving and doing smart things like covering himself in mud so he won't get spotted.

In the plumber kids episode, Ben is playing the role of the villain mastermind and he has to quickly adapt to the situation and train these kids while not breaking character.

In Charmcaster's debut episode, Ben calls out Kevin for not trusting Gwen. Ben being the mature one in this situation.

We see Ben hasn't changed at all from previous seasons. Season 3 having some of his best moments even. What has changed is the context and circumstances of his actions. He's trying to stay cool and simple because he wants to live his childhood stress free, even if the universe keeps calling him back over and over again, he wants to stay a kid. And that's interesting. We haven't seen that in ben yet. In the classic show he was trying to be a big hero. But now he's tired of all that weight on his shoulders.

Unfortunately the universe keeps calling for his return. The moment Ben tries to relax Vilgax is back. He has taken over 10 planets. And has killed the galactic enforcers trio (they are 100% dead he literally killed 3 side characters just like that). And Ben of course does the reasonable thing and tries to hack the Omnitrix yet again. With horrible results.

People try to use this as an example of Ben being dumb but you gotta realise he's panicking and not thinking straight, and the result is him causing a mess for himself and Kevin. The show is aware Ben is in the wrong here and his actions have consequences. The rest of the season will spend its time exploring Ben's actions and how his quick thinking is both his strongest weapon, as well as his biggest flaw.

Anyway the fight with Vilgax is brilliant and really shows how much Ben had grown. With the return of Diamondhead being both nostalgic and a great way to show his growth. As well as giving Ben another victory that increases his huge ego.

But I must also mention the visuals being beautiful themselves. Season 3 of Alien Force has a subtle upgrade in visuals that I never see mentioned. Everything is more colorful, backgrounds more interesting, the animation more smooth, and the storyboarding is simply wonderful. Don't know why people never talk about this. I guess it will ruin the narrative this is the worst season ever made because of like 4 boring episodes. But I digress.

Still apparently people hate this fight too and claim this scene RUINED Vilgax. How? The only argument I see is he got defeated too easily which.. Have you watched the classic show? Vilgax gets defeated in one single episode by a 10 year old. Vilgax is actually stronger in Alien Force if anything. I don't get how this ruined him at all.

Don't get me wrong. I also prefer his original design and personality. I think this was a poor choice to change him so drastically when the point was bringing back an old foe. But that doesn't mean he's weak. He's clearly stronger. He does a good job fighting Ben. And has even killed 3 characters that you'd expect wouldn't die considering they showed up in a ben 10k episode.

(remember when I said I will be fighting for my life here? I wasn't kidding)

The rest of Season 3 is very episodic ,which is an interesting shift from the previous 2 seasons since they didn't have to make it like this. They had more episodes this time too and cartoon network wasn't against plot or lore. So I'd say this was more of a creative choice than a mandate. Ben's more relaxed so we go back to less world ending threats. Which is good imo because the best standalone episodes are in this season.

Notably Gwen and Kevin get a good focus here (even Julie who should have been the 4th member). With Gwen's best episode so far is in this season. We get more character development for the other 3 protags. And it's very much needed.

Gwen I think didn't get much in the first 2 seasons. She did feel a bit of a downgrade from her classic self. Now however her rivalry with Charmcaster is back, she has her magic, and she has one of the best episodes in the season. The time travel episode is beautiful both visually and naratively, not to mention it's basically writen like a Doctor Who episode, and you gotta love that. But what I love more is how we see Gwen making a huge mistake. Gwen so far hasn't been writen with flaws, unlike Ben and Kevin she isn't given as much depth. So to have an episode that gives Gwen time to make a mistake and fix it, while showing all the effort she'd go through to help Kevin. It was very much needed. Her character deserves more moments like this.

Julie's relationship with Ben is given a bit of drama but in a way where they do communicate and aren't in anyway toxic. I hear this is when their relationship fell off but I don't see it. Their arguments are something Gwen and Kevin often have too and are only there to strengthen their bond. Julie definitely needs to be characterized outside being Ben's girlfriend though, but she's never in a position where she's just Ben's girlfriend. If anything her friendship with Gwen is given more spotlight. Her last appearance for the season being her hanging out with Gwen. Julie definitely deserved to be more than just a side character.

On the other end Kevin gets a huge upgrade with his story line being imo significantly better than what they originally had planned. Originally the story was going to have Kevin turn evil and I am grateful they saved that story line for a later season while this one builds up to it more organically. Here we see how desperate and insecure Kevin is. He even goes back to his more evil self at times. But never too much. His badness is due to his circumstances. He wants to turn back to human. He gets angry. He doesn't trust Gwen. He teams up with villains. But all because he's being pushed into being vulnerable rather than him turning evil suddenly. It's a good small arc that builds up to something bigger later.

As you can see I value character flaws as much as their positive traits. To me a character is less interesting if the story avoids giving them a human element. That's why the character assassination of Ben Tennyson that people talk about to me is one of the best things to ever happen to him.

One episode I HATED as a kid, but now love is the one where the gang go to an alien planet to solve a conflict between 2 identical armies. Kid me hated this because Ben kept messing up and there was no solution in the end. Now however I see the political genius that it is.

While I think this was meant to parody the political system of the US (one group being red and one blue doesn't make it all that subtle), i think the other message I got from it is showing the problems with white saviorism. Ben comes to a planet he has zero political understanding of, and decides he knows how to solve all their problems and can save the day in like 3 hours. Of course he won't and of course he'd end up making things worse.

If you're expecting things to actually be solved and characters to make logical and satisfying actions then this episode is definitely one of the bad ones. But for me, someone who likes to see how characters mess up and the story to collapse on them I really found this episode enjoyable. It's also just very funny. Ben comes off as very comedic to me in his attempt to be helpful and reasonable. He's not being immature but he's being very self centered and too up his own ass to notice that he's coming off as a dick.

I think that's what this season is focusing on. Not Ben becoming immature or childish as like a singular character trait he switches to. No, what the season is telling us is despite Ben being a great hero and a quick thinker, he's also easily able to fall into the arrogant asshole type if he doesn't control himself.

In the ghostfreak episode we even see how despite being his quick thinking self, he doesn't trust Gwen and Kevin as much as before. His ego is getting to him and others are taking notice.

Ben's behavior to me comes off as very realistic. I cannot hate a character who's flawed in a way that a real person is flawed. I don't see a switch in personality. I see one person displaying their traits in different ways depending on the scenario they are in.

So why people hate this season so much I will never understand.

Anyway let's talk about the worst episode in alien force.

Primus

Okay people you're right about this one. Primus sucks. It's bad. It's meaningless. It's confusing. And it's counterproductive for what it's trying to do. Honestly it feels like a rough draft of an episode before they actually start writing it.

Ignoring the fact that the concept itself is flawed, there's no time given to even show us Primus or make us understand it. And it ruins Vilgax's arc by giving him the Omnitrix WAY TOO EARLY. It kind of ruins the finale too since Ben giving the Omnitrix away is part of the climax of this season. Both Vilgax and Azmuth are pretty dumb this episode and it's weird watching them here. Vilgax is a bit better until he gets the Omnitrix and becomes dumb for no reason. Couldn't they just make it so Ben is the one with the key to activate the Omnitrix? Azmuth also what do you mean you turned into Rath to fight Vilgax instead of like way big? Ben isn't dumb in this one though. His trick to get back the Omnitrix is smart even though the way it was written is dumb. And we do get to see him vulnerable after losing the Omnitrix. Still this episode should have been replaced with something better and the show would have been better off for it.

This episode is brought up often because it is the weakest and if it was your impression of the season you'd think it's bad too. I don't even think Vilgax is bad this season but he definitely is poorly writen here.

So yeah this episode is very bad. Like couldn't they have replaced this with an extra Tetrax episode? That man deserves it.

Oh right Tetrax

Tetrax episode is peak fiction and I don't care about the haters. I'd argue it's one of the best episodes in the series and the fact we never got a follow up is baffling.

For starters Tetrax is Ben's real dad. Let's be real. He fills the same role as grandpa Max and so Ben has the urge to prove himself to him. That's why watching Ben fulfill the propercy of the diamondhead people and save Tetrax's planet is one of the most satisfying moments in the series for me. Tetrax destroyed his planet. He made a huge mistake that Ben could have easily made if he didn't have a mentor figure. And now once he sees he has an opportunity to bring everyone back he goes straight to shattering Ben into pieces with no explanation. (Tetrax pretty much is Ben without grandpa Max if you think about it)

This episode is a meme for the Jesus bits. but it works. It's good lore. And it's a great conclusion to a character arc and storyline.

The fact this episode is a follow up to Tetrax origin and incorporates a new alien into it is really smart. Obviously they didn't plan this at first so it's great when things work out like that.

It works as a Vilgax episode too because we see how big of a threat he is. Everyone's struggling to fight him, even Tetrax and Ben. He's not some pushover as people claim.

But more importantly Ben redeems Tetrax by saving the diamond people and that's something he wouldn't be able to do if he's some dumb kid. Ben is a true hero again in this episode. He sees what the threat is and he solves it with his quick thinking and courage. And I think it's thanks to Tetrax's presence that Ben is back to the more serious role, because he wants to prove himself to him.

(if only Tetrax had a bigger presence)

And now the ending

The ending is what made me want to take a different look at this season before rewatching because I remember how cool the Azmuth and Ben scene was. On a rewatch i was not disappointed.

For starters animation was really good and the fights with Albedo specifically were choreographed well. Kevin and Gwen were even using their powers in a unique way.

Then we have Vilgax weakening Ben by taking away Gwen and Kevin. Seems simple at first, but when you think of the narrative of this season you realise it's about making Ben vulnerable both physically and mentally.

And once Ben loses the Omnitrix he has a full mental breakdown and this entire sequence is one of the best moments in Ben 10 ever. The way he runs off into the forest. The small chat with Gwen. How he begs Azmuth for help. The little mutual understanding at the end of their argument. It's peak fiction at its most peak fictionest.

For the entire season Ben tried to relax, he tried to be more straight forward, not looking for others for help. But now he's back at being the vulnerable kid he was at the start of the entire series. And I think it's not just that he lost his powers that's hurting him, but that he's also taking out all the pressure he had building up inside. And now he's asking for others to help him.

This moment makes this season work for me. We see a deconstruction of sorts of the kind of person Ben is. Not mature or immature. But this kid who wanted validation until the pressure was too much for him. He tried to act cool like nothing happens. But then he messes up and he's the one who needed to be saved.

This emotional moment was what Ben needed to come up with a genius plan. Go to Vilgax's ship and activate the self destruct feature of the Omnitrix. Honestly I forgot about this part on my rewatch so it came out of nowhere for me. Ben making a bomb threat as his great 4d chest move? You just gotta love that. Remember he's got nothing on Vilgax right now. Vilgax can easily kill him. So for Ben to confidently come in and threaten to blow up the Omnitrix, that he cares about too, it takes courage.

If there's one thing I'd change about the ending it's bringing back Tetrax. He seemed like he would be a part of this and it would have probably mad the mental breakdown of Ben Tennyson more impactful if Tetrax was there too. Or maybe I love this minor character a bit too much. Maybe way too much I admit.

Conclusion

For me what sells season 3 of Alien Force is Ben's character downfall that builds up to this ending. It's not just that he becomes dumb and then is told to stop being dumb. It's that he's struggling in the role of hero. He's struggling to be both the serious badass and a goofy kid. And letting go of the responsibility and trying to act normal only created a different kind of pressure.

Ben for me is a character who was forced into a role he wasn't prepared for and we get to watch how that affects him. Naturally he will have shifts in how he acts. His environment will affect his behavior. That's just life. That's what being a teenager is like. You're always gonna be screwing up in one way or another. Ben's flaws in season 3 aren't about him being childish. He's not dumb or less mature. Ben still does smart things and is shown to care about Gwen, Kevin, Julie, Tetrax, and everyone that comes to his aid.

And of course his ideas and actions aren't always good. They can be stupid or selfish. And that's also fine. Because he's only human. And his humanity is what makes him Ben. Take that away and he'd grow up to become the Ben 10k who refused to transform back to human.

Most of this is my interpretation of events. Other people watching will have different takes. And that is fine. I'm fine with knowing I'm like one of 10 people who loves season 3 of alien force. I'm just here to write a different perspective and hopefully it will encourage more deeper readings of Ben 10 as a series. But mostly I'm fine knowing someone else read all this. So thanks for getting this far.

See you next time when I will be breaking down the neoliberalism of shadow the hedgehog the video game.

/jk

/or am I?

[number-1-kuaidul-fanboy]

Not quite sure how I feel about season 0 yet

I’ve definitely enjoyed the first three episodes. Retrospectively, parts of it work really well as a prequel to the original Yugioh series. Like Joey/Jonouchi (might go back and forth on their names since I watched DM in dub) going from a bully to a friend to Yugi and Yugi completing the puzzle, two things that were only ever mentioned in DM. It was neat actually seeing those events onscreen. I know they weren’t in DM because they didn’t want to be too derivative of this series and that’s totally fair but it still made DM feel incomplete in some places.

Apart from the “prequel-y” bits though, this has a very different feel from the rest of Yugioh. So far at least, it’s very episodic. The pilot gives some set ups and the next two episodes (and seemingly the next one based on its preview) are really loosely connected filler stories following these characters, with the occasional horror vibe when Yami Yugi shows up. Every episode so far has followed the same “some guy beats up weak Yugi so Yami Yugi appears in the last few minutes to punish them with a shadow game” narrative. Which is fine, it’s just entertaining enough to keep my attention for a couple episodes at a time while I eat. Season 0 feels different from every other Yugioh series but as a result, it lacks the charm of the other Yugioh series, at least for me.

It has its own merits though. Like its characters, some of which are superior to their depictions in DM.

Okay not all of them. I still don’t really like Honda (never have) and Miho comes off as kind of manipulative but the others are all pretty good. I like Jonouchi’s more gruff yet still loyal persona in this show, that could just be a sub vs dub thing to be fair but I quite liked it. He’s about on par with his DM self. Yugi Muto meanwhile gets a lot more screentime in this series than he does in DM and as a result, I actually like him right off the bat, unlike DM where it took me much longer to care about either of the Yugis. Yami Yugi...

...is not as twisted in this as I was lead to believe he was, at least at the point I’ve seen. His voice and design are honestly more weird than creepy which I will admit does disappoint me a bit. I do like how he feels much more like a legit alter ego to Yugi in this than he did in DM, where he was definitely his own person. That worked in its own right but I really like the whole “Jekyll and Hyde” vibe Yugi and Yami have in season 0, as though he’s actually a darker personality originating from within Yugi. Not sure if that’s what they’re going for yet but I enjoy it.

And my favourite season 0 character so far is Anzu.

No you ain’t trippin, season 0 Anzu is the best interpretation of this character I’ve seen. Dark Side of Dimensions is a distant second place in this regard since it showed her achieving her dream by leaving to study dancing in America (the only bit of character she had that wasn’t related to her relationships in DM) and in episode 2 of season 0, she’s willing to break school rules and get a part time job to raise money for that dream. You go girl. She’s also just generally more enjoyable. I don’t know, the writing here makes her come off as more sassy and no nonsense rather than DM where she just felt... for lack of a better term, like a stereotypical nag. Also, she and Yugi are actually kind of cute in season 0. I like the scene where she sticks up for Yugi when he’s being bullied and Yugi just looks so incredibly happy to see her:

And this one where he excitedly talks to her about the puzzle:

They actually seem like genuine friends in this series, a fact that never really came through in DM for me because of how little screentime Yugi got compared to Atem. Anzu’s character revolved around him way too much in DM  and while that could still become a problem in season 0 (in fact it almost definitely will considering the pattern of DM-VRAINS) but I’m glad that for the first few episodes at least, Anzu was allowed to have more of a personality. And she and Yugi have much easier chemistry.

It’s a decent show so far I’d say. If it had been my introduction to Yugioh, I almost definitely wouldn’t have gotten as into it as I have but looking back on it as a “prequel” or the series’ roots in general makes it kind of interesting.

[mcfuckity]

I know a few people who dislike huntlow and say stuff like:"this ship is super rushed, hunter has to work on himself, he doesn't understand romance and it is the last thing he needs" but they ship huntric and lumity🥴like you dislike huntlow for being rushed and hunter not being able to understand romance but you ship hunter and edric who interacted only once 🤡 something tells me those are not the reasons why those people dislike this ship, but completely for different ones🫣 and they are afraid to admit. Again i don't have problem with people who dislike huntlow but i have problem with people who drag huntlow down meanwhile shipping edric and lumity. Again every person has a right to dislike or like a ship. And what is so interesting that the majority of people never brought these excuses for amity when they shipped so much lumity and attacked everybody who wasn't a fan of this ship. And also unlike amity hunter didn't have that much problems with morality, didn't harm intentionally willow and gus, even when he got them captured he still tried to fix mistake. He actually owned up to his mistakes and had to learn it the hard way. Meanwhile amity wasnt addressed for her awful behaviour and shifted the responsibility of her actions on to her parents. And she didnt even try to reconcile with willow. She suddenly became a "sofgtie" out of nowhere without getting called out and only around luz. I am sorry folks but this is not a proper redemption. People also dislike willow and gus for not being plot relevant when its clearly writers fault for not giving them episodes to shine, and it is not as infuriating as amity who got a lot of episodes dedicated to her but still ending as a "girlfriend" who doesnt do much. No offense to amity stans and they literally whine all the effing time like why people dont talk about amitys trauma, when it was the only thing discussed during s1-s2, as if all these talks and fanarts about amity wasnt enough. They always bring up amity literally all the time. 

I agree and I’ve discussed this before. I recently haven’t said anything because I want the whole show to be over before rewatching it and having a retrospective to see if anything changes. I have talked about this before though.

I adore Huntlow/Winter and I love that they are still separate and unique characters while being together. I hate the stupid excuse that Hunter isn’t “ready for a relationship” because it makes no sense. A traumatized kid just found people who makes him feel seen, heard, and loved. He also got a crush on someone who ALSO experienced mistreatment and cares so much about him. I can see why Hunter would like Willow and vice versa. I CAN’T see how Luz would like Amity since she’s BEEN bullied and she SAW Amity bully Willow. I have no idea why Luz was all in Amity’s face.

The popular fanon ships are so frustrating because they’ll just ship Hunter w a yt person with the same logic he got with Willow for.

I haven’t seen any Willow and Gus hate but they were literally sidelined to make Amity look good because they know that she didn’t have a real redemption. It makes no sense that Amity got so much screentime just to keep reiterating herself as Luz’s gf but never have Willow and Gus be there for Luz to reiterate their friendship. Hell, even in s1 and Amity was barely there, the fans literally favored her and made so much fanart of her replacing Willow and Gus/ making them background support to lumity. It was literally just “tomato Amity” and “idiot Luz” fanart flooding my feeds. At least Huntlow art has character. Amity needs nothing else.

Then the show damn near goes out the way to have Lumity on one side and Emerald Trio on the other with sprinkles of Amillow interactions to be like “See? They’re all friends 😇”. It’s getting tired fr.

[miksterrr]

Sincerely, your only child.

hyper fixations rule my life.

another ninjago fic.

cross-posted on ao3

-

TW: TW: Strong language (a bunch of f-bombs, sorry) Talk about not getting a childhood, mentions of abuse and bullying, talking about abandonment, mommy issues, letting down. Extreme misako bashing. (I think that's it- uh please let me know if there's anything else! also prolly cringey and a bunch of dialogue so)

like 1.8k words i think.

“Lloyd!” Cole’s voice was heard throughout the bounty, “Your mom’s here!”

-

Today was one of those rare days where Sensei Wu let them off with just morning training. Which, in retrospect means that training will be worse tomorrow, but for now the team enjoyed the day off, all relaxing in their own ways. Zane’s reading up on new recipes to try, while Jay and Kai are playing video games. Nya’s working on upgrading the bounty even more, and Cole’s cleaning up the deck of the bounty, because well, someone had to, and surprisingly enough, he didn’t mind cleaning all that much. Meanwhile, Lloyd was laying down in his bed, just finished with his shower, and ready for a midday nap.

Lloyd immediately perked up. He jumped up from his bed and rushed out of the shared room, almost tripping over his borrowed (stolen from Nya… listen, she’s very muscular,) grey sweats in his hurry. Nonetheless, the blond made it to the deck in one piece, a grin stretching over his face. “Mom!”

“Hello, Lloyd.” Misako smiled, arms raised for a hug. Which Lloyd all but crashed into, relishing in the rare affection given by his mom. She gave him one squeeze before letting go. “How have you been, son?”

“Good!” Lloyd beamed, bouncing on the heels of his feet. “I have so many things to tell you!” It’s been a few months since Misako's last visit. During that time, the ninja defeated the usual baddie or helped out at some charity event. Nothing too big, which was surprising, in a way, but the team wasn’t taking it for granted, enjoying the easy time before the new villain of the month showed up.

Misako gave her son a tight smile, though she was glancing around the deck of the bounty, not looking at Lloyd, at all. “That’s very good, hon.” She sighs when she can’t find whatever she was looking for. “Do you know where your Uncle is? I have to talk to him about some of my findings.”

“Oh.” Lloyd murmured. He bit the inside of his cheek and crossed his arms. “I haven’t seen him since this morning.” He responded, looking down… and wow there were a lot of chips and cracks on the floor. One too many fights or training incidents.

Misako let out a breath through her nose.“Of course.” She clicks her tongue, glancing around the bounty deck one last time. “Looks like we’ll have to go find him.”

“We?”

“You said you had so much to tell me!” Misako smiled, turning towards the door that led to the underbelly of the Bounty, where most of their living space is. “You can walk and talk, right Lloyd?” It wasn’t a question. Misako started walking away before Lloyd could answer.

Lloyd stared after her for a second.“Wait- Mom!” Lloyd called, jogging to catch up with his mom, Nya’s sweats still too long for him, almost making him fall flat on his face, again.

“What is Lloyd?” Misako’s pace didn’t slow.

The blond stammered. “Uh, well… I just…” Lloyd sighs, rubbing his face, gnawing on his already cracked lips. He played with the strings of his hoodie. (the hoodie used to be cole’s.)

“Spit it out Lloyd. I don’t have that much time.” Misako huffed, glancing into every room they passed, and so far, every room has been empty. No sight of the old man. Misako’s mouth was set in a hard line. Clearly getting annoyed at both Lloyd and not being able to find Wu.

“I just thought…” Lloyd trailed off, glancing at the greying woman, he hesitated, before sighing. “Last time you were here you promised that the next time you were here- this time, you said we could spend all this time together.”

Misako paused, before groaning, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Sorry kiddo, you know how my work is, I don’t get a lot of time off.” She sighs, ruffling Lloyd’s hair. Her nose scrunching when she realized his hair was damp from a recent shower, wiping her hand off on her beige pants. “Surely, you get that.”

“I do, but-”

“Where is your Uncle?! I swear his old age is making him more elusive.” Misako interrupted.

“Mom!” Lloyd stomped his foot, the noise echoed through the cabins. Misako’s thin eyebrows furrowed. She turned to look at her son, hazel eyes hard. She gave Lloyd an expectant look. Lloyd only groaned, trying to get his words together. “I- well- ugh!”

“Lloyd, stop wasting my time. I need to find your Uncle.” Misako huffed, turning back to start looking for Wu again.

“Then stop wasting mine!”

“Lloyd!” She glared at her son, a warning.

Lloyd only scoffed. “You always only come back for Uncle Wu! Not me!”

Misako rolled her eyes. “You’re not a kid, Lloyd. You shouldn’t need your mother.” She reprimanded, crossing her arms.

“Wow.” Lloyd snorted. “Bold of you to call yourself my mother.”

“Lloyd Montgomery!” Misako nagged.

“It’s true!” Lloyd gave a low laugh, shaking his head. “You abandoned me, mom.”

Misako huffs, grabbing Lloyd’s wrist in a bruising grip and pushing him into the closest room. Lloyd yelps, stumbling. He takes a second to regain his balance before turning around to see Misako closing the door behind her. “What the hell?!”

“That is no way to talk to your mother, Lloyd.” Misako growls.

“Really?” Lloyd rolls his eyes.

“I am your mother!” Misako gapes.

“You’re really not.”

“I gave you life!” Misako retorted.

“You gave me half your DNA!” Lloyd shot back. “Nothing else. I don’t have your personality, or your style, and certainly not your morals.”

“Lloyd Montgomery-” Misako bites out, nose flaring.

“What, mom?” Lloyd asked, toneless. He was done with Misako. “You abandoned me. You left me at Darkley’s, and never looked back.”

“You know I had to! I couldn’t carry a child around with my work.”

“You just didn’t want to care for me.” Lloyd sniffed. “You aren’t worth my effort anymore, I don’t know why I miss you when all you do when I see is make me wish you were still away.”

“That is hardly fair, son.” Misako huffed, crossing her arms. She stared down at the blond, almost accusingly.

“Is it?” Lloyd scoffed. “You were once the god that kept me standing, mom. But it turns out it was just the idea of a loving mother that kept me standing, not you.”

Misako’s hazel eyes widened, mouth open and closing, as she tried to form a response. “Lloyd, honey… I-” She sighs. “I have no words.”

“Like always.” Lloyd scoffs.

“Son. I wish I could’ve taken you but-”

Lloyd rolls his eyes. “Just stop mom.” He closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. “We’ve been through this, time and time again.” He huffs, trying to move towards the door. “In a few days, you’re just going to leave again with empty promises of returning and spending time with just me.”

Misako's eyes widened, moving to grab Lloyd’s wrist. “That’s hardly true- you’re being unreasonable Lloyd.”

“What’s ‘unreasonable,’ mom, is that I don’t know my own birthday!” Lloyd mocked, trying to get his wrist out of Misako’s unusually strong grip. Misako stayed silent, her eyes were wide and she was mouthing something to herself. Lloyd raised a brow, his movements stilled, coming to a realization; “Fuck mom.” He breathed. “You really have no idea, either. Do you?”

Misako stammered, grip weak. “W-well… the labor was very long, and with everything that was happening with your dad, time just got warped, and well-”

“Do I even ‘legally,’ exist, mom?” Lloyd asked, his jaw tightening as he stared down Misako. “Do I have a birth certificate, mom?”

Misako sputtered, “I uh… I’m sure… somewhere you have one.”

“Holy shit.” Lloyd whispered, breaking his mom’s grasp. His hands came up behind his head, gripping his hair. “I don’t exist.” He blinked, breathing coming out in gasps. “Well- obviously I exist, but not legally, huh?” Lloyd started pacing back and forth, a low laugh escaping him. “The government has no record of Lloyd Garmadon.” He swallowed, face going blank. “I am every criminal's dream.”

Misako let out a small giggle. “I suppose so.”

Lloyd made no sign of hearing her. His brows furrowed, his forehead creased, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to formulate his thoughts. “That’s why you left me at Darkley’s.”

“W-What… no, Lloyd, hunny. I-”

“You what mom?” Lloyd scoffed. “Everywhere else would’ve given me a birth certificate. But all Darkley needed to hear was that I was a Garmadon.” Lloyd rolled his eyes. “Uncle Wu would’ve questioned you… that’s why you never told him.”

“I was trying to save you!”

“From what?!” Lloyd cried. “I was a child! I didn’t need saving! I needed protection!”

“Stop being overdramatic.” Misako huffed. “I was saving you from-”

“From yourself?” Lloyd interrupted. “Because honestly, that makes sense, mom.” Lloyd sniffed, rubbing his face. “You hated me before you even knew me.”

“Fine.”

Lloyd turned, looking Misako up and down. “Fine?”

“I abandoned you, you’re right.” Misako nodded. “You know, babies are born with blue eyes, and then over time it changes.”

“What does that have to do with anything-”

“You were born with red eyes, Lloyd.”

Lloyd gaped. “I was kidding before.” He murmured. “About you hating me before you even knew me. I-” He licks his lips. “I was right.”

“I wouldn’t say that I hated you-” Misako tried.

“You left me because I had red eyes. Because of genetics.”

“I thought the great devour’s venom affected you too.” Misako tries to defend herself.

“I was a baby!” He growled, fists clenched at his sides.

“And I was scared.” Misako sighs.

Lloyd rolls his eyes. “I thought all parents are scared of their first child.”

“I wasn’t ready to be a single mom. Especially-”

“Especially with your job, I know.” Lloyd rolled his eyes, “Try getting better excuses, mom.”

“Son-”

“I am not your son.”

Misako rolls her eyes. “Lloyd Garmadon-”

“I’m not a Garmadon, either.” Lloyd rose a brow, challenging his mom to realize what was going on.

“L-Loyd-”

“No. If I was a Garmadon I would’ve been raised by you, mom. Or I would’ve been raised by dad.” Lloyd nods to himself, “You know who raised me, when you were too scared?” He stares his mom in the eyes, cold green meeting guilty hazel. “Kai Smith. Nya Smith. Cole Brookstone. Zane Julien. Jay Walker.” He announced each name, slow and sure, voice strong. “They raised me. They taught me that blood doesn’t mean family, mom.” He spat, ‘mom.’ “They taught me everything. They taught me how to live, mom. Where were you?”

“Kiddo-”

Lloyd shook his head, lips pursed. “I am not your kiddo. I am not a Garmadon. If anything, at all, I am a Smith-Brookstone-Julien-Walker.” The blond nodded sure of himself. “And now, I know that you aren’t worth my time.” Lloyd moves to leave, stepping past his mother.

Misako tried to grab at Lloyd’s wrist. “Lloyd, please-”

Lloyd all but side-stepped her. “I’m done.” He sounded numb, apathetic to her sadness even if he was swallowing down his own sobs. Lloyd moved to the door, hand on the handle, he pulled it open, and before he left and closed it completely, he gave his mom one last glance. “Goodbye, Misako.”

-

Uh, if you liked it I hope you enjoyed, if you didn't well, okay. still getting the grasp on short stories again... i'm a poet, y'all understand? sorry for weird formating and all that, thanks for reading :)

[anadorablack]

Happy Pride everyone!

I wish a very Happy Pride to everyone, be they 'letters', allies, or people who don't know which letter they belong to yet. <3

Today, I wanted to share a bit of my story with all of you.

I'm 32. I figured out I wasn't straight at 28. I figured out I was genderfluid at 29. I figured out which 'letter' fit me best at 30.

If you're interested at all in my journey, carry on reading. If not, still appreciate you. <3

I'm a citizen of the second country in the world to legalise same-sex marriage. Belgium. And yet, in that country, being something other than L or G is often considered to be 'a trend', a 'phase', a 'kid thing'.

I grew up with open-minded parents. My mother was never shy when it came to explaining sexuality to me, but I always felt...uneasy when she did so.

The Talk embarrassed me, probably in the same way that every teenager is embarrassed, but it was more than that.

I'd never been interested in dating. At all. Kissing, to me, was gross. Seeing not only my parents kissing, but anyone in general, was gross. I had several friends ask me why I was looking away when they were kissing their partners. The answer was always that it made me uncomfortable. To this day, intimate or sex scenes on the screen make me want to avert my eyes.

I never wanted to date anyone. But peer pressure. Bullying, because at the ripe age of 17, I was still single. Other girls in my school insisting that I wasn't pretty enough or interesting enough to 'pull a guy'. For the longest time, it hadn't mattered. But at 17, I wasn't in a good place, at all.

I succumbed to peer pressure, as they'd say. I agreed to go on a date with a guy from my Ancient Greek class, a friend, actually. And at the end of that date, he kissed me. No, not really kissed me as in stole a kiss. I hadn't shown interest in that, but he still did it.

In retrospect, I don't think ill of him for that. He liked me, he wanted to kiss me, he did.

And I...thought I had to let it happen. Because everyone else found it nice, apparently, so why didn't I?

I dated him for a couple of months. Let him kiss me, even though it grossed me out, made me feel dirty. And those feelings made me feel abnormal.

WHY didn't I enjoy it???

Why wasn't I like everyone else???

Thankfully, it didn't go further, I graduated high school, we went our merry way.

At 24, I moved to another country, to my DREAM country, but found myself away from my family for the first time. I felt alone, isolated, unsafe.

I tried to find connection where I could.

I thought getting into a relationship with my flatmate was a good idea.

It wasn't.

And...

24 and still a virgin, not normal, right?

Peer pressure, again.

I lost my virginity at 25, and I HATED it. Again, many people do, but again, I felt like it wasn't normal. At all.

Sex was supposed to be enjoyable, why didn't I enjoy it?

Months passed, and I started developing feelings for my bf. And that's when things shifted.

Until he broke up with me because I wasn't 'creative' enough in bed, which, thanks, trauma for life now.

I came home to my family, I got a job I loved, I moved into a house I adore. And I started watching Sense8.

It must seem a bit stupid, but that show made things clearer to me. L, G, B and P were the only letters I truly knew about before watching that masterpiece. But Nomi was a T. And so, I started reading about all the other letters.

And it made things so much clearer.

I wasn't straight.

There wasn't anything wrong with me, I just WASN'T STRAIGHT.

I came out as non-hetero to my parents, who read stuff with me to try and find out which letter I fit. Funnily enough, my mum realised she wasn't straight either thanks to our research.

It took a lot of reading, a lot of searching, a lot of questioning, but then, I found THE letter.

Q.

Because although I'm almost demisexual, almost asexual, I'm not fully there. I can feel wildly attracted to people I don't know, but the idea of getting physical with them gives me the ick.

So, I'm Queer. That's who I am.

And during my run as a teacher, I made sure my pupils knew I was a safe place to go to if they were questioning themselves to.

I was the only teacher to accept it when one of my students came out as transgender to me. I called him by his chosen name for the rest of the schoolyear while my colleagues dead-named and misgendered him; and in June, he came to me and hugged me, thanking me for being his safe place.

The following year, I had his little brother in class, and he was proud to tell me he had a brother, now. <3

I never felt happier.

I'm Queer. I'm proud to be.

And having figured it out 'late' in life, it makes it even more important to me to see characters my own age go through a similar journey in the media I consume.

If and only if the writers in the room don't fuck it up by sexualising said journey to appeal to a certain population.

I'm Queer.

Happy Pride. <3

[e-thonrudwrites]

Writblr Introduction

I’ve seen so many writblr introductions that I wanted to do one!

P.S., it’s a long one.

So I got into writing (as a hobby, even though I’ve always loved creating stories as a kid) thanks to an old bully of mine in Swedish eighth grade. I wrote my first queer characters, in my first English WIP ever. It was a fanfic/AU of She-hulk and other Marvel characters, and of course I posted that bad boy on Wattpad and think it got 80k views over the year on something I’ve never finished. I remember being so nervous about making my FMC fall in love with another woman and for them to care for each other. In retrospect, it probably had to do a lot with trying to figure out my sexuality. But as soon as I did it I felt such relief, and I’ve never looked back on writing straight MCs.

But how does this connect with my writing journey and who I’m today? Well, I’m 23 yo, and my English is better, and that’s coming from someone who’s dyslexic, heck I think I can spell better and have a more advanced language in English than in Swedish which is ironic that it’s my native language. But genre wise nowadays, I write MM Romance in a bunch of different sub genres: romcom, fantasy/sci-fi, thriller, and a bit of horror. And ever since my disability progressed, I’ve tried to incorporate disability in my stories — have bad ass characters that just happen to limp. It’s not the end of the world and that’s what I wanna read.

Which is the most important thing I learned as a 16 yo kid posting on Wattpad and getting the social anxiety and burnout of posting there. Write for yourself. Write what you wanna read. Which has made me connect so much more with my stories and characters, especially when writing a WIP as RUINS OF DAWN and letting myself lean into the darkness I’ve always enjoyed as a kid.

But one of the negative things I know my bullying has affected me in is I know no one’s gonna care about what I write because I’m who I am. Because I’m me. And that’s why it took me so much time in to figure out that I can, and I’m allowed to send queries to agents. That just because I’m me doesn’t make it that anyone else who’s ace, queer, and/or disabled can’t connect with the characters and see a glimpse of themselves. Because that is what RUINS OF DAWN is for me. It’s a book for my 15 yo self that loved all the grimy and gory stuff, who was not feeling good or understood why I was feeling like this around people. Though RUINS OF DAWN is not for people under 18, but if I know myself, a bit of blood and spicy scenes wouldn’t have stopped me. My favorite and comfort movie is WARM BODIES. A damn zombie movie, though the books are more horrifying.

So what is RUINS OF DAWN then? Well, it’s the WIP I’m currently laying all my focus on getting done and ready for beta reading, and the one I’m gonna try to query.

RUINS OF DAWN is a dark sci-fi romance thriller, set in 1962 after the Cubs crisis has gone nuclear. It follows Ed Johnston, our Time manipulating protagonist who gets forced by the NTIA—an organization created by the President to watch supers (Psst, think of an organization corrupted like the TVA from LOKI)—to meet the Director, and where he meets his ex-lover the waiting room. It’s enemies-to-lovers, second chance with similar horror elements as Isaac Marion’s THE BURNING WORLD.

#ownvoicesdisability #ownvoiceschronicpain #ownvoicesqueerness

Comp-titles for RUINS OF DAWN: V. E. Schwab’s VICIOUS, Amal El-Mohtar THIS IS HOW YOU LOSE THE TIME WAR, Greg Rucka’s THE OLD GUARD, MOONKNIGHT (2022), DEADPOOL (2016), L. J Hayward’s WHERE DEATH MEETS THE DEVIL, Isaac Marion’s THE BURNING WORLD.

So if you like the X-MEN, THE WATCHMEN or anything to do with superheroes and time loops and time travel, then I hope you’ll follow me on my journey to get this bad boy published.

Also, I’d gladly get to know more writers. My life is definitely lacking writing buddies, because authors supporting other authors is the best thing ever.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’ve recently managed to get a copy (by which I mean, someone who isn’t me did a bunch of work to get it and all I did was be lucky enough to have it sent to me) of this radio interview that Daniel Kitson did in November 2002, on a show called Unbranded. It was hosted by Ian Collins, on the radio station talkSPORT.

Late 2002 is an interesting point in the Kitson canon, and one from which I don’t have a huge amount of recordings, so it’s nice to have this one to round out that period. If I look at the massive spreadsheet that I obviously have in which I document the data about all the Kitson recordings in my collection, sorted by date, there’s not a lot around that time. The only other things from the second half of 2002 are the Phoenix Nights episodes, and of course that’s not really late 2002 Kitson, as those dates are when they aired, far later than when they were recorded. Though their airing dates being shortly before this radio interview is a bit of interesting context, as they do come up.

Late 2002 is interesting because it’s just after he won the Perrier Award, and just after season two of Phoenix Nights aired, and the combination of those two things seems to be pretty much what created Daniel Kitson’s anti-publicity thing that would come to define his career. Before those two things, Daniel Kitson was on a relatively normal career track. He took a tiny role in a shit movie that came out in 2001, after studying drama in university – the move of someone who trying to build up a profile to lead to a proper acting career. Which would also explain the Phoenix Nights role and the episode of That Peter Kay Thing. He even agreed to have his 1999 Edinburgh run filmed for a documentary. Until 2002, he was doing things that were quite consistent with things people do when they don’t actively object to their showbiz career being tarnished by publicity.

I’ve said before that he might have had an entirely different career if Peter Kay had been less of a dick in 2002, because Phoenix Nights was what really put him off the idea of mainstream success. However, I think it’s a bit more than that. He might have had an entirely different career if Peter Kay and Noel Faulkner had been less dickish, and if Adam Hills, rather than being nominated three times with no wins, had won the Perrier Award in 2002.

There’s an article here, oddly published on the same day as that Ian Collins radio interview, that explains in one spot some things I’d heard him explain a little at a time on other occasions.

Kitson was 24. He’d only been out of college four years. It was too soon. “If he gets it in his first year, he really will just implode,” one of his peers told me on the night before the award. And then, this year, he was nominated again. “I can’t see how he’s going to handle it if he wins,” another comedian said, five hours before Kitson actually picked up the gong. Everyone laughed when, for his acceptance speech, he read out a letter explaining why he wasn’t there that night. If only they knew. “I wrote the speech because I didn’t want to go and get the award,” Kitson, now 25, explains. “I didn’t want anything to do with it. I said at the start of the festival to my agent, Hannah Chambers: ‘I’d quite like to be ruled out of it.’ And she said: ‘You can’t.’ Why not? ‘Because I’ve got a new dress, and if you say you don’t want to be considered, then everyone will see it as a publicity stunt.’ “In retrospect, that would have been the best thing. The whole process is innately dividing. I’ve met people who I couldn’t speak to because they thought they should have been nominated. These are, if not my friends, then my workmates, and now it’s really awkward.”

So, okay, maybe he'd have had a different career if Peter Kay had been less of a dick and Noel Faulkner had not satisfied the public's demand for horrible bullying crowd work and Hannah Chambers had not bought a dress for the Perrier Award ceremony. To be fair to her, I can't imagine she could have guessed how much he meant it when he said he didn't want to be considered. If I heard a comedian next year who was in contention for the Edinburgh Award withdrawing their name from contention, I would also assume it was a publicity stunt. Usually, it's a publicity stunt. I wonder how many years Daniel Kitson had to double down on his commitment to avoid mainstream success before it became clear that he meant it.

Anyway. The point is that late 2002 - just after season 2 of Phoenix Nights aired and he won the Perrier, before he had implement his "no mainstream success allowed rule" but after the instigating factors of the rule had occurred and he was mad about them - is an interesting point in his career that I mostly know about through stories he's told on stage years later, and a few articles. Not a lot of recordings from that actual time. Aside from this radio interview that I've recently gotten to hear for the first time.

Okay - so first of all, if you do listen to that without a lot of context about Daniel Kitson, I should let everyone know that he is currently touring a show that is written to apologize for the kind of dick he was in 2002. He does not stand by that time that he called that guy's wife a fat whore in 2002, and we cannot hold people to everything they said in 2002. It's... not something that sounds great, the little bit at the beginning of that radio recording. But it is quite interesting to listen to right after seeing his current show, Collaborator (started as First Thing). Which handles, among many other topics, his guilt at having once been exactly that type of comedian (I mean, he's still a comedian who will call his audience a bunch of cunts, but with a fair bit more awareness of how much context and irony can make any insult acceptable that it did not sound like he had back then).

His Collaborator/First Thing show also discusses how much it annoys him when people refer to certain things as "classic Kitson", as it's a reductive way to describe his work. Which is fair enough, wanting the things he worked hard on to stand on their own merits rather than getting branded as "just that thing he does".

However. I find this radio interview both interesting and hilarious because it could not possibly be more classic Kitson. If I had to describe the archetypal ideal of Daniel Kitson circa 2002, I would describe:

Starting off by complaining that it was annoying to win the Perrier Award because it meant he had to go to a ceremony that was a hassle to get to

Saying he didn't want that award yet won it over people who did, initially with the abandon of a man who did not seem aware of how arrogant that made him sound, then sort of trying to mitigate the arrogance but in a way that didn't really quite work

Saying he was up for doing criticism of an important political/global issue, but then not actually doing it

Requesting permission to swear on a commercial radio station where he had to know that you can't do that but felt the need to ask anyway, because no non-swear words were strong enough to describe his dislike for winning a major award

Arriving mid-asthma attack and breaking into a coughing fit while recording live

Swearing anyway, after being told he's not allowed to do that

Getting wildly offended at the suggestion that he might be anything like Bernard Manning, even though at the time he was rather defining himself by offensive material

When asked whether he likes any mainstream comedians, not being able to think of any

"If you're going to have principles about stuff, you have to live on your own in a room, and not talk to anyone you hate ever." - what a Classic Kitson quote

Tell a fairly indiscreet story with another swear word, after being told he can't do that

Talk a bunch of shit about Phoenix Nights, and about any of his own fans who like him because of that show

Use the word "gay" as an insult, entirely ironically, but still in a way that makes me cringe a bit and glad that he has, since then, acknowledged even with irony, that that kind of language isn't as acceptable as he once thought

Explain, with not enough irony on the word, his desire to not be ushered toward the "mainstream"

Slag off (as they say in Britain, that's one of the main British phrases that I wish I could get away with using as a North American, I love the specific thing it conveys for which we don't quite have an equivalent here, the closest would be "talk shit about" but that's not quite the same) Bruce Dessau

Explain his refusal to put anything positive about himself on his posters

Call himself "contrary" with, again, not enough irony on that word

Treat a tired question ("What can't you joke about?", tired even by 2002) with the contempt it deserved

Talk a bit about how cool performing in Australia is

This is the one thing on that list that isn't an example of exactly what I'd have expected from 2002-era Kitson, though it also didn't shock me - call Johnny Vegas the best comedian currently working on the circuit

At the end, apologize for not being a good enough interviewee

It's good stuff, I really enjoyed listening to it. I had suspected for a while, by the way, that Daniel Kitson had some sort of specific grudge against Bruce Dessau, going even beyond his general grudge against all comedy writers. Based mainly on a few Beyond the Joke articles that are caveated with explanations that they had previously contained more stuff about Daniel Kitson, but Kitson himself had requested that be taken out. There's also this article, about some Kitson footage that I and a helpful accomplice (by which I mean, the other guy did all the work) tried to find, but we were told that after that article was written, that footage was locked down tighter at Kitson's request (by the way, the comedy club discussed in that article, that films its acts, is what Kitson was talking about in that radio interview when he said he'd done some stuff in Paris in an English-language club, the article even mentioned that his filmed run there was from 2002). I'm making a couple of leaps of logic here, when I say that I suspect that request was made because that article was written, which combines with those other caveated articles to suggest that Daniel Kitson reads (or at least, for a time around 2014, used to read) Bruce Dessau's work and the moment he saw his own name would immediately shut that shit down.

Anyway. It was a fun thing to listen to. Classic Kitson, all around. Good piece of history to slot into an era when primary-source artifacts are a bit thin on the ground.

[juniperhillpatient]

Oh & another thing. I think that the scene in the finale with this graffitied poster -

would’ve hit a lot harder if we were presented with Eddie being bullied early on.

The entire “hunt the freak” narrative IS stressful & intense & fun to watch play out once Eddie is implicated in Chrissy’s death. And obviously the audience knows to feel bad for Eddie & want to protect him. The problem is, the town hating Eddie is way too understandable from their POV when you really examine it. Literally anyone would think he was responsible for these horrible deaths without knowledge of the Upside Down or Vecna! All the evidence points that way. And that’s fine & tragic in itself.

Where it becomes clumsy writing, in my opinion, is Dustin’s speech about the town hating Eddie even though he was a hero - to a man who loved Eddie but has no way of understanding what Dustin is actually talking about. It’s emotional & it’s good tv but it does fall apart logically when you really look at it.

The narrative framing of Eddie as a tragic hero that Hawkins always hated would easily become a lot stronger if we were given even just ONE SCENE of Jason & his buddies roughing Eddie up BEFORE Chrissy’s death.

It still works & I’m being nit picky because criticizing writing is always part of the fun for me with becoming obsessed with a tv show. But I do think this framing issue would be SO easily solved by literally one scene of Jason or somebody bullying Eddie for no reason early on or a teacher being an asshole or something. Just something to SHOW rather than TELL us that Eddie was always hated. Because him being hated at the end of the season is just the people of Hawkins reacting with the information they have & it’s framed as though Eddie were always despised but we don’t actually see any evidence for that.

I loved the season & I loved Eddie, I can’t be clear enough about that. I just also love being a critic. I didn’t think about any of this as I was watching but it’s occurring to me as I examine the season in retrospect.

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

I posted 5,264 times in 2022

211 posts created (4%)

5,053 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@fatalityzing

@wilzorose

@turquoiseorchid

@tearlessrain

@trickymxtape

I tagged 3,749 of my posts in 2022

Only 29% of my posts had no tags

#frigging cats - 250 posts

#the magicians - 156 posts

#ofmd - 84 posts

#stranger things - 47 posts

#us politics - 47 posts

#the power of queliot compels you - 41 posts

#lotr - 36 posts

#sandman - 33 posts

#awoooo - 29 posts

#quentin coldwater - 28 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#dog i try so hard not to call stuff ‘orwellian’ bc cliche/overused but folks that was in the book. like. like this occurs in that book

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I think sometimes when I am caustic about a TV show that I actually love, it's because I am fundamentally angry that I got tricked into caring about it by people who, in retrospect, it feels like did not care about the show, or me, or what the show was to me. I don't know how to respond to that except angrily, and I prefer my undying anger cut with as much humor as possible. I don't mind loving something imperfect, but I truly resent being treated like a fool for investing in something, like that is actually extremely hurtful to me. And it makes me not want to be fair to the creators, who yes, were sometimes very clever and thoughtful, though other times overly slick and careless and inattentive. And I can, in some moods, parse out my positive and negative reactions to various bits of things with some equanimity, but in other moods I'm really just very angry about being yet again That Idiot who trusted people who were mostly just fucking with me to get a reaction, as bullies do. And then I'm not always fair, I know.

I look at my Magicians tattoo every day, all through the course of my day. I think all the time about whether or not the world is beautiful enough to live in, if the stories we tell about our lives make them beautiful or if they are sad attempts to narcotize us against the utter emptiness. I think about being on a key quest every goddamn day, and maybe I should be more grateful to the writers for opening up those questions for me through a protagonist I think would absolutely get exactly what I mean when I say that. But then -- I also do not think the writers very much liked that protagonist, or that if they knew me they would like or understand me at all, and gratitude still feels slightly out of my reach.

So if I sometimes talk about The Magicians as if it were "bad," that is admittedly a stripping-out of a lot of nuance. The reality is that I think it's a show that failed -- that failed to solve its problems or answer its questions, mostly because over and over it seemed to get bored and drop things as though nothing truly mattered and everything was disposable, which I personally think makes it a show that failed to land on a human level. And a lot of things fail, but I really, really didn't want this one to. Sometimes that leads me to giving it a little too much credit, and sometimes I know I give it too little.

131 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

#4

160 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

#3

I have this theory that what's wrong with Quentin is literally just like -- college. I mean, things are "wrong" with him, in that he's non-neurotypical and almost certainly has a depressive disorder, but I think the actual reason he's so visibly stressed and angry and self-loathing is that there's no environment more ill-suited to managing stuff like that than a place where people are constantly exhorting you to make massive decisions and simultaneously submit to nearly constant external assessments and everyone around you either has power over you or is in direct competition with you and you're expected to hyperfocus on yourself and your goals and be ready and able to justify every choice you make, and they say if you can do that you'll be successful but if you can't that's called failure, and also you don't ever sleep or have any privacy and half of your emotions are still mostly or completely new to you. He is like 22 at the beginning of the show, and he's furious with himself for feeling broken, but he is 22 and he's just limped across the finish line of a notoriously irrational and inhumane educational system. Quentin's biggest problem is that he's not capable of repressing how beaten to shit he's been by the last few years, but I guarantee 90% of his classmates are equally fucked-up and neurotic, they're just hiding it better. Quentin's not a good hider of things, have you seen his face? It's not built for that.

Anyway then he goes to Brakebills, which is exactly like Columbia except exponentially more so and also he's been training for this for ten minutes instead of his whole life and he fully thinks he's going to be expelled just as randomly as he was admitted, and the institutional solution Brakebills has settled on for this phase of student life is Brakebills South, so what more can you say about that. The reason Quentin starts to get better once they all flee Brakebills is that academia is designed to ruin people. Fillory is too, but sometimes you're allowed to stab your problems, and that really seems to be liberating for Q.

There are probably flaws in my logic here, but. Sometimes you don't so much need a quest to fix you as you need to do adulthood badly for a little while and gradually do it less and less badly, which Quentin did in seasons 2 and 3, but I suspect he might've just naturally done anyway if he'd managed a movie theater or whatever during those years instead of going to the school where they shove demons under your flesh. I'm saying he maybe didn't have all that many problems that required intervention, so much as they required just letting up on himself for two seconds.

213 notes - Posted July 9, 2022

#2

I want to be clear that when I make fun of my fandom for rebloggging the same three kissing gifs obsessively for the last four years, not only am I doing so with love, I frankly appreciate our sense of restraint, because I also slum it over in Supernatural fandom, and I promise you that if even one canon Destiel kiss existed, those feral hobgoblins would be printing out copies and nailing them to people's doors like the 95 Theses. You would be physically unable to escape that screencap until your dying day. We're doing fine.

219 notes - Posted March 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I think part of the origin story of a lot of queer acephobia -- and I’m going to stress this at the top and the bottom, I’m only interested in how dynamics like this come to be, I’m not here to absolve anyone of it, don’t be an acephobic weirdo, deal with your stuff -- is that you are a filthy pervert and you aren’t entitled to sex it’s not for you is a massive pain-point for allosexual queer people.  Any interest  at all that we express in sex is deviant, obscene, a mental illness, destructive, offensive, and predatory; sex is what’s wrong with us, and the message kind of soaks in that if we could be ourselves but minus the sex, or at least the acknowledgement of sex, we’d be allowable.  Even back in the Deep Darkness of the 90s, I remember hearing people say nobody cares what you do in the bedroom, as long as you don’t shove it in anyone’s face.  Maybe the people saying that believed it and maybe they didn’t, who knows.  But it was easy to believe, at least on some level.  Maybe it wasn’t your personhood that was unbearable, but just some particular action or expression that you could mask or moderate, at least where the straights could see you.

So I think if you’re coming from a place where a lot of your journey to deal with your own sexuality starts with that specific trauma -- like, I really can understand why the idea that asexual people are oppressed is hard to process.  They’re doing what everyone told you you should do!  They’re the ones who are being obedient and inoffensive and “safe” and “family friendly!”  Of course that buys them approval.  Everyone always told you that was what buys approval, and you went through so much, externally and internally, to come to a place where you could say you’d rather have the sex than the approval, but they never had to do that!  They don’t even want the thing that was your monstrous flaw, how dare they think they understand what you’ve been through?

Idk, obviously no one story is everyone’s story, but whenever I hear an allosexual queer person being dismissive of the idea that asexuality is an axis of oppression, I get the strong feeling that I’m seeing the long shadow of someone’s internalized, visceral disgust of gay sex, manifesting as a resentment for people who never had to be disgusted by themselves in the same way.  I have so much empathy for that, I honestly do, but it’s still not okay to be so wrapped up in your own trauma that you’re fundamentally incapable of listening to people who are traumatized in a different way from you.  The way we’re treated isn’t fair, but it also isn’t the fault of asexual people, and the kicker is that straight people lied to us all along.  They wouldn’t like us better or treat us with more dignity if we could just excise the sexual desire from our personalities -- ask an asexual person about that.

6,360 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[oliviahallwriting]

Chapter 1

One week earlier

Not much bothered Tom. Sure, a racist kid had tried to get under his skin a few times in middle school, with comments that he couldn’t remember. The first time, he’d shoved the kid backward, into a berry bush at the edge of the baseball diamond. The second time, he’d used a fist, and no one had tried to bully him again.

At least, not until high school, if that even counted. It wasn’t that he had enemies— he was mature enough to realize from an early age that the concepts of best friends and worst enemies were both kind of stupid—but for whatever reason, people tended to mutter under their breath when he passed them in the halls. The band geeks, the gays. A few cheerleaders, too. In retrospect that might have been flirting; he’d broken ties with his girlfriends on reasonable terms, so they didn’t have much dirt on him. So he chalked up his schoolmates’ weird passive aggression to teen angst: beyond him, unfathomable.

So no, he wasn’t bothered by much. Maybe death, but that scared everybody. Hell, he’d even built up a bit of a tolerance to it from his stint in retail. Not that selling sportswear was dangerous. No, it’d been the fear itself. After a while, a few hours on the job, a few too many weird customers, some asinine scheduling decision, an idea came to him that it wouldn’t be so bad if he’d simply…float away. Away from obligation. What would it be like to hang up his coat and walk away from the store, the mall, the town? Sometimes, in the parking lot before an eight-hour shift, he’d slowed down as he walked past the reversing cars.

At least university, all six weeks of it, hadn’t been as bad. He’d gone through the fire and survived. He was invincible, stoic. He could pursue his education with rationality and moderation, even if he had to go it alone. Wasn’t like he’d made a lot of friends in class.

A vibration from his pocket jump-started his heart and interrupted his thoughts. He’d been meditating—well, musing, he hadn’t gotten the ‘clear your mind’ part of his plan down yet—near one of the landscape-architecture buildings of Loftman’s campus, with fifteen minutes to kill before his next lecture, a nice, relaxing intro class about the fundamentals of design. 

Tom checked the caller ID on the phone and saw his sister’s name, Allessandra. A little weird; only his parents preferred calls over texts, and even they’d converted to video chats after the first couple weeks. He sighed and found a bench inside the building, down some hallway or another. It wasn’t much more comfortable than the wooden bench outside, but at least he was alone. He called her back.

“Hey,” Allessandra said.

“Something going on?”

“Nah. I had some time to kill before calc.” The next few sentences were quieter. “I wanted to look busy. Some old white people in the psych department were looking at me funny. Thought they were going to lecture me on how this generation’s always on their phones and shit.”

“They might judge you for saying ‘shit’ out loud.”

“Fuck that,” Allessandra replied, but she was still muttering into the phone.

Tom laughed. His sister had been self-conscious to the point of paranoia for a while now. It might be beneficial to her if someone yelled at her for swearing. Wasn’t that a thing in psych? Face your fear head-on or whatever? His sister would probably know; she was aiming for at least an associate’s in the field.

“Well, uh, how are your classes going?” he asked.

“Fine, I guess. I don’t know what I expected.”

“I mean, it’s LCC. If you were thinking of above a, like, six out of ten experience you’ve been oversold.” 

Their parents had wanted at least one of them to go to community college to save money, and Allessandra had welcomed the chance to get away from him. He didn’t mind. Not that his sister was terrible company, but twins tended to get grouped together more than other siblings, fraternal or not. And at this point in his life, he was over it. Especially since she’d found a boyfriend, and it’s not like he wanted to be linked to him by association. Maybe he was okay; Tom had never met the guy.

“Six out of ten sounds right,” she said. Her sigh came across through the phone speaker just fine. “Maybe your school has charismatic professors.”

“Nah. So far, Grandma’s the only one.” 

Tom didn’t need to take more than one or two chem classes to graduate, but he welcomed the opportunity to learn from his grandma. Being related to his professor wouldn’t make the class easier, but at least she’d take him out to dinner after the final. And hey, she wasn’t bad at holding a class’s attention.

“Oh yeah,” Allessandra said. “How’s that going?”

“My classmates weren’t ready for her.”

“I can imagine,” Allessandra replied. She knew Grandma as well as he did, if not more so. She was, at least, privy to the girl-talks that occurred every year after Thanksgiving dinner, while he watched sports with his dad and uncle. 

A small moment passed before Tom’s sister spoke up again.

“You found a girlfriend yet?”

Tom paused.

 “What, in chemistry?”

“No, in general.”

“Because you didn’t transition between phrases very well.”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“Sure I have.”

“Liar.”

“No, Al. Obviously not. It’s only been a month and a half.”

Tom heard the sound of his sister’s laughter over the phone, and felt his face heat up. He should hang up. The philosophers he’d read tended towards letting go of anger, or to take measures to ensure you’d be unaffected. He could reasonably leave the call, maybe figure out how his sister had that peculiar ability to really just push his buttons. 

“Have you even tried? Some people in my classes got girlfriends and boyfriends in the first week.”

“How about,” Tom started, and the words left him without thought and with the sharpest cutting edge he could find, “How about you worry about random people on the street instead of telling me to be like your slutty classmates?”

A few students glared at him. For the past few minutes, they’d been gathering in front of the nearby classroom doors. For some reason, his sister hadn’t hung up the phone, so he kept going.

“You have a boyfriend, so why don’t you let me solve my own problems?” He said. The rage in his heart had dissipated a bit. One of the good consequences of yelling at someone, he supposed, was that it did, often, get rid of anger. Or at least, throw it towards someone else. “Hook, uh, hook up with him or whatever. I don’t know.”

“Wow,” Allessandra replied. “Are you done?”

“Yeah.”

“Ty doesn’t go here, so I can’t take your brilliant suggestion to heart. Maybe if you thought a little you’d have remembered. And sorry for trying to call you! I’d hoped to stop you from getting so in-your-head and miserable by, you know, asking about what’s going on in your life. Like normal people do. Guess that was too much to ask.”

“Well, I don’t need advice,” Tom said. “Not about this.” 

With that, he ended the call. He felt a little weird about it. Maybe guilt or something. And sure, he’d overstepped a little, though for the life of him, he couldn’t remember the specifics of what he’d said. And his sister had crossed a line, hadn’t she? It was warranted.

From a few blocks away, Loftman’s bell tower, La Marschiena, chimed one.

Days passed, then weeks. Allessandra didn’t call or text Tom throughout, which was fine with him. He didn’t feel like thinking about their conversation, at least not until after finals. With any luck she dropped it. God knew he had, especially considering that, after nine weeks into university, all of his professors seemed to collectively decide to make their students work for their grades.

So, at the seventy-five percent mark of the semester, he’d had to cram through two essays, and BS a third. Even his grandma’s class wasn’t any better; when he’d asked the clearly stressed-out chem T.A. to check his process for solving unit equations, she’d nodded absently at both problems, though he’d used two different methods to solve them. And unit equations were almost a third of the final, so he needed to get his shit together.

This was why, on a Friday evening he’d have loved to spend in front of a gaming console, Tom wandered through Loftman’s campus, looking for the undergrad chemistry lounge.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world to walk through campus during a nice fall evening, though. Tom couldn’t help but glance around him and take in his surroundings. Aside from the lowkey-nepotism of being the grandson of a professor, there was a reason he wanted to go to Loftman.

Native California redwoods towered over libraries and lecture halls. The waning sunlight kaleidoscope onto curving paths and straight sidewalks. Footpaths were everywhere, often in flagrant violation of nearby pavement and sometimes weaving through forest. In an hour, when the sun had fully set, the paths would become dangerous.Tree roots were all-too easy to miss, and even easier to trip over. The paths were dark, too; the redwood trunks shielded most light from the buildings. Even the scattered blue emergency lights were kept to the main roads.

Tom passed a residence hall. It was a few stories high, loosely modernist in style, and held a pleasant terrace near the front doors. A nearby plaque, illuminated by a few muted fluorescents, labeled the building ‘Chopin Hall’. Ah, Tom realized. Like the composer.

He wondered what Chopin would have thought about the university using his name for one of their residence halls, especially the, well, the gay one. The one for the LGBT people. Whatever. He wasn’t homophobic or anything; really, he couldn’t care less.

The light strings flickering over the many balconies weren’t what tipped him off, nor were the LED flashes through windows signature of gaming accessories. No, there were the flags. More so than the other halls, flags were everywhere, covering windows with various stripes and at least one circle. Only a few related to any country, either. Tom frowned; it seemed odd to have a country flag next to one of…these other ones. Arrogant, even. He didn’t even know what most of them meant.

He passed Chopin and reached Ashman Hall, the science lounge that his grandma’s syllabus described. She’d preferred holding office hours there rather than at the staff complex, which she described as a ‘sterile mess’. 

The science lounge blended well with its environment. Moss grew between its stony seams, dating the building at least a few decades. A metal accessibility button stood on a nearby wooden pedestal, and cozy amber light streamed through the glass door. A paper-white golf cart was parked in front of the building, the words “Loftman Sciences Accessibility Transport” printed on its side.

Tom stepped inside. Two girls were muttering to each other on a faux-leather sofa. The only phrases he caught were “subconscious” and “rain” before they stopped talking and glanced over at him. When he walked in front of them, trying to get their attention, they averted their eyes. He frowned; it wasn’t like he was too close to them or anything. For all his faults, he was pretty good at watching out for personal space.

“Evening,” he said. Damn if that wasn’t too formal. Compounded with his width—he was a pretty broad guy, even from a few feet away—they probably thought he was menacing. He backed off a little.

“Hello,” one of them, a blonde, replied.

“Do you know if Dr. Rose is around? Her syllabus said to meet her here for her office hours, but she didn’t specify a room. I figured she’d be in the lounge or something.”

The other one startled a little, apparently coughing on her own spit, so Blonde gave her a thump on the shoulder. 

“Chill,” she muttered, before gesturing down one of the hallways. “Down that hall and to the right after a couple rooms.”

“Thanks, ladies,” Tom replied.

“No problem,” Blonde said.

Tom started down the hall. If the place were busier, he wouldn’t have heard them continue their conversation, but their voices carried down the echoey corridor.

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Me? You’re the one who can’t keep your voice down. Who knows what he heard?”

“Well, maybe he wouldn’t have cared if you hadn’t freaked out!”

“Oh, wait, shit—”

They stopped talking. Tom realized he’d been standing still in the hallway. He turned around, preparing an apology. The glass door to the lobby was still closing, revealing only the evening darkness. They were gone. He shrugged and returned to the hallway. 

The office door he’d been directed towards was open. His grandma looked up as he entered and clapped her hands gleefully.

“Oh, so nice to see you!”

“Hi, Grandma,” Tom said. “I was hoping you could help me out with some of these problems. I, um, didn’t understand the unit equation stuff even after three lectures.”

“Ah, I figured it wasn’t a social visit. Young man like you on a…what’s the day of the week? It’s a weekday, isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s Friday. You gave a lecture this morning.”

“Of course, of course. Friday night. Talking to me couldn’t have been your preferred way to spend the evening.”

Tom frowned. “That’s not—don’t say that about yourself.”

“Ah, but it’s not incorrect, is it?”

He didn’t reply for a moment. 

“You’re more interesting to talk to than a lot of people around here, anyway.”

“I can’t speak to that. I don’t talk to many students these days. It’s been a few weeks, I think, since anyone showed up.”

That seemed a little strange. Maybe his grandmother wouldn’t have had every office hour filled, but she still ran a class of at least seventy-five, and most of her students needed it to graduate. At some point it was a numbers game.

“I mean, I went to your last one a few days ago. Monday.”

“Oh, pity. Must have slipped my mind.”

She hadn’t meant to hurt him, but Tom felt a tinge of sadness anyway. That his grandmother’s memory had apparently faded so much in the past week, well. Age would come to everyone someday, wouldn’t it?

“I, um, hear that doing crosswords helps people stay sharp,” he said quietly. 

His grandmother responded with a tone that reminded him of a reason why his classmates might have preferred the campus’s peer-tutoring program to their professor. His grandmother, for all her kindness, could make anyone feel incompetent, in chemistry or otherwise. That her ruthless grading policies often proved the feeling correct was a bonus. “Tom, I may have had a ‘senior moment’, but that doesn’t mean I’m cutting with a dull knife.”

“Of course. I shouldn’t have, um, implied.”

“So I don’t want to hear anything about how I might have forgotten some details about the last, I don’t know, little while. I’m sure they’ll come back to me.”

He made a little sound of acknowledgement and opened his notebook. He discussed the problems for a while. Once or twice, he thought he understood the process, only to be foiled by some weird oxidation rule. After forty minutes or so, he tried another problem. This time he was able to correct his mistake and come to the correct answer.

“Well done,” his grandmother said. “And don’t worry if you’re struggling with this. I believe that almost twenty students dropped the class over the past two weeks.”

“I’m not surprised,” Tom replied. “They suck.” 

Whenever there was a vaguely difficult concept, all he’d hear for the next few days were complaints. The class was hard, chemistry sucked and had no point, the professor wasn’t doing her job. It shouldn’t be his problem that they didn’t know how to be adults and ask for help. Or drop the class, if it was so goddamn hard.

“Mind your tongue, Tom. You’re better than that.”

His grandmother had been obsessed with language as far back as he could remember. A few formative months in middle school had put a stop to him swearing in front of her. Her glares were withering. She’d never needed to use anything else to get him to hold his tongue. She probably wouldn’t have done more than take away his consoles, but he’d never felt the need to test her.

“They, um, give up too easily, and I find their complaints annoying.”

She nodded and started him on another problem.

Thirty minutes later, well after the office hour was supposed to end, Tom felt that he had the unit-equation procedure down, but also that he probably wouldn’t get above a B minus on the final. The process was still difficult, there were too many parts to trip over, and the test was open-answer.

Someone knocked on the door—a formality, considering it was already open—before sheepishly leaning into the room. Tom recognized her as the T.A. for his class section.

She was a little older than Tom and most likely in a masters’ program. Tom didn’t know her very well. He’d only talked to her a few times in class, since he usually reserved his questions for the office hours. She seemed friendly enough, and gestured a lot when she talked, though lately came across as overwhelmed.

“Come in, Kiyana,” his grandmother said.

Kiyana wore cornrows, a button-up vest, and a somber expression. 

Tom’s grandmother’s friendly smile dropped. “Presumably this isn’t about your masters program?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Kiyana wrung her hands and gave Tom a pointed, but not mean, glance.

“Oh,” Tom’s grandmother said. “Well, Tom, this was lovely, but I have to end the office hour early. Or, late, I suppose. Feel free to call me tomorrow if you still need help.”

Tom picked up his notes. “I might.”

He wouldn’t. He’d rather walk through a windstorm than surprise someone with a call; there was something so rude about asking someone to use their voice without warning, and it was almost worse to go to voicemail and know, on the other end, that the other person would stress out, trying to guess a time to call back. It was enough that he answered calls from people he knew; it would take a situation more severe than his chemistry final to call someone himself. “I’ll see you next week, at the latest.”

“Certainly,” his grandmother replied, but Kiyana interjected.

“The master’s program chair told me I could take over the first day or two for your next semester’s classes, if you need an interim. Just the syllabus stuff and chapter one. So I’ll be there instead.”

“News to me. Does he know that my retirement doesn’t start until next summer?”

“I don’t know. He was kind of vague about it. I just thought you should know.” Kiyana turned to Tom. “Anyway, goodbye, um, what’s your name?”

“Tom.”

“Bye, Tom. Sorry about this,” she said, gesturing broadly around her. “Logistics and all that.”

He left the room. Though he’d tried to leave the door open, Kiyana shut it as he left, muting the rest of the conversation.

The weekend and following week were whirlwinds of finals, in chemistry and every other class. Tom had neither the time nor mental energy to give a second thought to his conversation during the office hour. He wouldn’t have even worried when his grandmother didn’t show up to the final exam, leaving the proctoring to a few professors pulled from other classes. She wasn’t there for the lab final, either, a stressful “figure out the compound by its interactions” challenge run by Kiyana. 

He only started to worry when he received an email, not to his school account, but to his personal email address.

To: tommrose@kmail.com

From: drsusanrose@kmail.com

Subject: absent

Don’t go to the police. Read the syllabus. Find out what’s missing. Find aid. A pair of flowers, one with thorns. but you’ll need the other. Do not reply.