Navigating Living Waters
Affirmation has a Facebook group titled Living Waters, which is for LGBTQ people, family, & friends who are active in the LDS church. This group is meant to be a place to discuss issues and topics from a believing LDS perspective.
At the 2023 Affirmation International Conference, I was asked to be the presenter for the Living Waters session.
Church can be challenging for queer people and for those who love us as things get said which hurt. I wanted to help people feel like they have some skills they can use when they encounter these situations. For that reason, I called my session “Navigating Living Waters - Affirming ourselves and drawing boundaries as we navigate life at church and with believers.”
I’m sharing my presentation in the hopes it may be useful to some who were unable to attend the conference.
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"We're not gonna become someone we love by talking to ourselves like we're someone we hate. We're not gonna become the best version of ourselves while treating ourselves like someone who deserves to be punished just for existing. I know it's hard, but have your own back” - Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
A big part of what makes church hard for queer people is we repeatedly receive negative and rejecting messages about this part of who we are. Research shows both our mental & physical health are negatively affected as we internalize these messages. How can we handle things when this happens?
It depends on the situation. For example, if a comment is made in Sunday School, we can also make a comment, but Sacrament meeting isn’t interactive. It also depends on you. If you're not out to everyone in the room, then speaking up may not be an option you would choose. Some people's personalities are more introvert or extrovert. Some people have anxiety. There's a lot of variables.
We need to push back against those messages of negativity and discrimination. It's a way of honoring myself. Pushing back may include speaking up, or it may mean replacing those messages to myself with affirming ones.
This past week at my therapy session, I was speaking with my psychologist about an assignment where I identify something I did that day for which I feel accomplished and then say that I'm proud of myself for doing this thing. I told the therapist that it feels hokey. I understand what I'm writing, but I don't feel it. She said while typing or writing are fine, for the brain it's more effective to hear the words spoken. And it's even more powerful to look at my reflection in the mirror and say the words to me. Giving voice to an affirmation has power.
I share that because it’s good to write thoughts to yourself. It’s even better if you’re able to give voice to those thoughts.
If you find yourself in a place where things are being said, but you can’t speak up, one option is to remove yourself from the space. If it's Sacrament Mtg and the speaker is saying things that are hard for you, get up and walk out. You don't have to make a big deal about it, you can quietly slip away. Although, I have seen someone who got up and walked out while making clear they were unhappy with what was being said by making an exasperated noise and shaking their head.
If I’m watching General Conference with family or friends and can’t turn it off, there’s several options available. I can get on my phone to distract myself and check out what people are saying on Twitter and on Tumblr. I could take a bathroom break. If I’m taking notes, I can start writing affirming, positive messages to myself to counter the words being spoken.
Pushing back against and replacing the rejecting messages is a way to not internalize them.
Let's say we're in a classroom situation and something discriminatory is said about queer people. Many of us choose to be silent, to be passive and let the comment go unchallenged. At church it seems like we’re socialized to not make other people feel uncomfortable even as they are saying things which are hurting us. We don't have to let the comment go unchallenged, but you have to weigh whether the situation is one where you can safely push back.
We don't want to respond with violence or threats, we don't want to dehumanize the other person, we don't want to inflict trauma on them. If we do that, then for many, our voice loses its legitimacy. We can be affirming of ourselves without demeaning others. We're taught to do unto others as we want done to ourselves, so let's respond in a way that treats others how we deserve to be treated.
We want to challenge their ideas and assumptions. We want to make them aware of other experiences and ways of thinking. We want to point out the negative messages they are conveying.
It helps if we assume they have good intentions and didn’t realize what they said could be understood in a way that hurt others. We are trusting that we can reach their humanity.
We can respond by building on common ground.
We can use “I” statements to share our feelings and our experience. "I" statements can begin with “My experience is…,” or “I think…” It’s hard for someone to argue that you don’t have those experiences, thoughts or feelings. When we open up and make ourselves vulnerable, usually others will react positively and they let down their guard, too.
Let me give you an example. Let's say we're in Sunday School class and the topic is prophets. Someone in the class says “I’m happy for the guidance of prophets because thanks to them we have the Proclamation which tells us what a true family looks like.”
<Gulp> Do I let that slide?
Here's one way I could respond. Remember, I'm looking to build on common ground and use "I" statements.
“I’m also glad for prophets and the hope they give us, but it’s important to think of how things like the Proclamation apply to our own situation. The Proclamation speaks of ideals but not everyone's lives fit those. I have friends who are single parents and it’s important they know that God loves their families, too.”
Another example is, "I am glad for prophets and as a queer person, I've been noticing them more and more teaching that we need to include and love everyone. While the Proclamation contains ideals that work for your family, I read it and wonder ‘Where do I fit in? What is God's purpose for my life?’”
I built on the common ground of prophets, but then I pivoted.
By speaking up, you're inviting everyone in the room to consider this point of view which they may not have considered. Maybe they have never imagined how the Proclamation may be hurtful to people in different situations.
Another approach is to appeal to a gospel principle, like “Love your neighbor.”
Let me share a few comments that can be used in a variety of situations.
“I don’t know about that, but what I do know is I’m supposed to love my neighbor. If I have to choose, I’d rather err on the side of being too loving than of not being loving enough.”
“My experience is these are real people with real feelings. If anyone in this room is part of the queer community, I want you to know you’re loved. God loves you and I love you.”
"The church's Handbook says all are to be welcomed and treated with kindness, and so I’m going to follow that advice.”
These phrases challenge the narrative that was being put forward and makes clear that not everyone agrees with what was being said. It shows there’s more than one way to think about these things. For anyone who might be in the closet or who has friends or family members who are queer, they will now know you’re a safe person to talk to.
I have one friend who, when the teacher asks, "What is something evil that people call good?" she will raise her hand and blurt out "homophobia!" She doesn't wait to get called on because by going first, she sets the standard. She says when she gives this answer, usually every hand lowers. They all were going to say something like gay marriage or being trans or something like that. Now the other class members can't give their answer because they don't want to be seen as doing exactly what has just been called out as an evil.
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At this point, I asked them to pair up into groups of 2 or 3 and I gave them a list of possible comments they might hear. I asked them to practice responding. It’s a safe space and they can get feedback and retry. When they do experience a situation where they want to respond to a comment, they’ll have this experience.
Here’s the comments I gave them to respond to:
A man says he wishes that as a kid he’d heard of being transgender, because he would’ve used that to get into the girls’ locker room
A person saying it’s abuse when parents allow a transgender person to transition
When a person says they’re disgusted by affection shown between a same-gender couple
A parent says she’s uncomfortable having a lesbian as her child’s Primary teacher
Being told we should not identify as gay
Being told they love and accept us, but don’t tell anyone else you’re bi
LGBTQ+ people are that way because of bad parenting, or sexual assault, or something they saw on TV
Children deserve a mother and a father
Gay people are loved less by God because they persist in living a sinful life
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Here's another suggestion to hopefully stop these types of negative comments from happening in the first place. If you see that the topic for an upcoming class may have the possibility for anti-LGBTQ comments to be made, you can contact the teacher about your concerns.
"Hi. I noticed this week's Come Follow Me includes some verses people may use to say unkind things about LGBTQ people, and I was wondering if you've thought of that and how you might keep that from happening, or how you could respond if it does happen?"
Let's say the class is assigned a conference talk that has anti-queer things said in it. You could contact the teacher and volunteer to share some of your thoughts with the class and see if the teacher agrees to that. Be ready to share what you’d like to say as it will help the teacher feel comfortable accepting your offer. For example, I might share this in a class:
“The church is imperfect. In this mortal world, that is how it is. But one thing I’ve learned is that there’s more room for me in the plan of salvation than there is in the closet. The messages I get from God are wonderful and I wish the church and my orientation were more compatible because I don't feel like I'm incompatible with God. The past few decades have shown the church is on a trajectory to be more inclusive and understanding, and that gives me hope. I know we're reading the words of an apostle, and I won't challenge what he is saying, he has every right to teach these things, but I know in my heart that the way I feel when I hear these words is lesser than, like I'm excluded, and I don't feel that way with God. I'm choosing to be here for the hope I find here and the good things church does in my life. Thank you for letting me share my perspective.”
Okay, so we talked about several strategies.
You can remove yourself from the space where negative things are being said.
You can choose to think or write affirming messages to replace the ones you are hearing.
You can make a comment to affirm yourself.
You can preemptively contact the teacher.
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The other topic I’m addressing today is boundaries. It’s okay to draw boundaries, you don’t have to share everything just because someone asked. I have family I love but they view being queer differently from me, and so for the sake of our relationship it helps for me to have some boundaries.
The purpose of a boundary is to keep ourselves safe, to do that we draw boundaries around the mental, physical, behavioral and spiritual aspects of our lives.
While I think people understand the reasons for having boundaries, sometimes the hard part is knowing how to state the boundary. I’m passing out a handout with a number of phrases that may be useful. These are suggestions, hopefully they’ll spark ideas of additional phrases you can use.
I appreciate the gesture, but in the future I'd prefer...
I'm not prepared to discuss this any longer. Let’s take a break so I can collect my thoughts
Thank you for your concern about my child's behavior, I'll take it from here
That question is too personal. I won't be answering it
I feel undermined when you bring this up in front of everyone. Next time, please talk to me about it in private
I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk to my mom about my private life
Thank you for your opinion, but I’m confident in my opinion
Why would you ask me that, does that seem appropriate? Would you be comfortable answering such personal questions about your life?
This isn’t a productive conversation. I’m not responding any more
I appreciate you asking, but that information is readily available on Google. I suggest you start there
Remember, this is not a negotiation, we aren't discussing where the boundaries should be. You're letting them know what your boundaries are.
I don't know if it's particular to our culture, but it seems Latter-day Saints regularly say and ask about topics that maybe they shouldn't, especially if they don't know you well. If they try to continue on after you've expressed your boundary, you restate the boundary
I appreciate your concern, but as I said, I'm not prepared to discuss this any longer
I've politely asked not to discuss XYZ, if you do again then I will...(leave, end this conversation, ask to be transferred, speak with the Relief Society president, etc)
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As a queer person, or as someone who loves a queer person, church can be complicated, yet there are a lot of reasons why someone chooses to continue to engage with church. I hope that you leave today’s session feeling like you have some methods that will help as you navigate these spaces.
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