#Little scared I'm doing it wrong
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i lovvveee them crazy
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#wild life smp#wild life fanart#life series#gtwscar#goodtimeswithscar#gtws fanart#goodtimeswithscar fanart#idk how to tag this I see so much on other fanart#Little scared I'm doing it wrong
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https://www.tumblr.com/louisupdates/754934426217152513/goodbye-faith-in-the-future-world-tour-272024?source=share
did he or did he not lose fans then?
I will answer this because this anon actually brings a concrete question to the table rather than just "hurhur but you're a larrie??" (tell me you can't actually refute any of our points…). Anyway this post shows the decrease in Louis instagram followers between the screenshots taken directly after the release of Faith in the Future in Nov '22, when he changed his bio to promote that album and the tour tickets, and now, when he changed it again to mention the current release. But I'm putting that response under a cut because I'm tired of the actual POINT of all this nonsense getting lost in a sea of made up things people insist are important:
There is no rational argument you can make to say that Louis has less fans now than he did 2, 4, or 6 years ago. You don't need a spreadsheet of details you need to USE YOUR EYES! He has gone from filling theaters to filling arenas and stadiums. His second album made a higher chart position than his first album. His festival has doubled in size EVERY year of its existence. And for that matter: his insta post engagement numbers remain about the same (despite the fact that older posts should have way MORE likes due to having been there longer, even aside from follower counts.) SO WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT HIS INSTA FOLLOWER NUMBER???? Serious question: what does the word "fans" mean if these things aren't what matters? ALL of this quibbling about what he should do to make things better and people can't even see that THINGS AREN'T BAD.
Anyway to address the specific question- (con't......)
NO- HE DID NOT LOSE FANS. HE LOST SOME INSTA FOLLOWERS. THESE ARE NOT THE SAME THING. As I said above, literally what does it mean to lose fans if that number change coincides with him having higher sales, more audience members, and higher engagement than ever before? Whatever he lost ISN'T FANS. I wouldn't be surprised if a significant factor was something like a bot purge, but also yes: I'm sure a lot of casuals followed him around the time of his big album release and later unfollowed him. That's extremely normal because that's how casual engagement works, and why the definition of fan really matters. Louis and his team understand this and have referenced it repeatedly, talking about how lucky he is to have *us* specifically, to have the kind of dedicated fanbase he has, to have the KIND of fans he does who will allow him to do what HE wants. @dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram named the issue of depth vs breadth with regard to fans a long time ago, and pointed out why having DEPTH is so much more important. It's like this- artists who are on top 40 radio have more numbers on things like insta follows, and for a time on sales and tickets. But those aren't FANS- they're people with a casual interest. And as soon as that person isn't being forced in their ears 10x a day, those people lose interest and stop supporting them, stop buying stuff and unfollow, and those artists end up doing the 'opener on the jingle ball' circuit rather than their own tours. One Direction as a whole, and Louis maybe most of all or near to at this point, have something MUCH MORE VALUABLE than that- DEPTH FANS. Louis has fans who will support him even if he takes years to release music, or stops parading around with a pretend girlfriend to stay in the headlines at least once a month, or completely changes his image and genre, and that is UNHEARD OF. It's ASTONISHING and worth SO MUCH MORE. And they get that! THAT is why he always bragging about us, why industry people he works with are always so agog about us, why he will do anything for US- not for randos. He is also growing his breadth- and it's OBVIOUSLY WORKING whatever his follower counts are, but that is always going to be secondary to doing things for THE FANDOM because that is his sustainable business model. That is what keeps him onstage and reaching number one. And not coincidentally, the things they do are also working to grow that- much more valuable- commodity. So the fact that that's exactly what these chuckleheads complain about- that he does things that are just fandom facing or serving rather than everything being aimed at recruiting casual fans- does nothing but betray how completely they, unlike Louis and his team, misunderstand the actual drivers of his (actual, existing, happening) success. Luckily for Louis, he and his team rely on their own data harvesting (they do a LOT of it) and growth metrics (they're off the charts) rather than the smug assumptions of random (mostly quite new to this) fans and the few bitter people leading the complaining about everything Louis does.
#louis promo#all this nonsense about this tag or that tag or this or that number is so getting lost in the trees#when the forest is RIGHT HERE: WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WORKING#so for now#I'm pretty done with this discussion unless someone actually engages meaningfully with the content of anything I'm saying#rather than just repeating the same things- but he needs to tag more! or the even more boring-#but you're a larry! if you send me a bitchy response that doesnt actually address any points I've made#I will assume it is because I'm right and you have no rebuttal other than to act like a preschooler because deep down you know it#honestly the discourse around this makes me feel a little sad and scared about the state of literacy and reading comprehension#and just general analytical thinking#but I hope its just that no one over 15 spends their time sending hate anons about fandom#if I'm wrong please come engage in actual conversation! but otherwise... let's just... not#blah blah blah#anyway there's a reason Louis is always so afraid no one will be there for him and that he started out solo era playing those radio fests..#because we are IMPROBABLE we are UNBELIEVABLE we are NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EXPECT OR COUNT ON#and making nurturing and maintaining that his number one priority ALWAYS is extremely correct and smart#actually#I was originally going to be like here are when there were bot purges here are other artists that have seen numbers go down etc#but then I was like WAIT WHO CARES. You're letting these people dictate the conversation... but the premise is stupid#it DOESNT MATTER#depth v breadth
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more ice cream shop au for wip Wednesday, featuring Shinsou learning a very important lesson: if you want to carry out a secret matchmaking scheme, don't involve Kaminari
#it's been an ice cream shop au kind of week#i almost posted a Sad-ish Snippet from this fic today but i felt like it would be giving plot things away#believe it or not: there's a plot!#i mean as much as there can be idk maybe i'll post the sad one too#liza writes#shinsou hitoshi#aizawa shouta#kaminari denki#not putting this one on twitter bc i haven't posted about this au there yet and unlike tumblr i can't like.#link to the rest of the snippets/context??#idk i still don't really get twitter and it scares me a little#i always feel like i'm doing something wrong#but i did repost one of the fourteen days of mha fics there and that was really fun!!#q#ice cream shop au
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i feel somewhat responsible for this, even if i’m not the one saying these things. I’m genuinely so sorry.
No need to apologize! It's not one singular person doing it and truth be told I don't think it's a large majority that thinks that (albeit the ones that do are quite vocal). I didn't mean to upset anyone or anything when complaining about it, I was just letting off some steam.
Having a yap session under the cut sorry I feel like rambling under your ask anon.
Admittedly, I do think there are reasonings for people thinking this way. A lot of the focus with Clash has been on the cogs, especially after the 1.3 update. Which I can't say I blame them! Managers were something new and exciting and (from what I can tell) really separated them from the other servers. I don't blame them for wanting to put focus on that because that was their thing. Alongside other things, but majorly when you hear Clash the managers are mentioned in someway shape or form. But as we all know, toons ended up taking the short stick from this. This isn't helped by the gameplay itself, being mainly a fetch-quest deal so you often only talk to npcs once or twice unless if they're repeated ones and the taskline wasn't entirely accessible on the wiki for a while (shoutout to the wiki maintainers. The taskline script is a savior). Which I'm quite excited to see if they deal with this issue with the rewrite. I imagine they will, but anyways. Social media posts would often contain more managers than toons, which I also believe they're starting to fix. And ontop of this, I believe most of the team in the early era of the sever is gone, so there's been some stuff lost in the change. So yeah, dialogue/writing has been kind of rocky. AGAIN- I am completely aware of the rewrite going on and I am not judging them harshly based off of their current state. I'm very appreciative of the fact that they took the time to listen and are focusing on trying to fix it up. And then there's also fandom mischaracterization- especially of the cogs. Forgive me for mentioning mischaracterization because normally I wouldn't really care (I've mischaracterized characters before..especially in my younger years. I think it's just a process of learning an having fun and I hate to limit anyone because of it). With that being said, there's a lot of baby-fying and coddling of the managers. Especially with those who have more 'sympathetic' stories (Misty, Chip, Winston specifically). Don't get me wrong, I like these characters and I can appreciate the story they're trying to tell, but I feel like so many people will hear their dialogue and then misplace their anger. People get mad at Bessie for trying to protect HER lighthouse or at the Elders for trying to keep YOTT safe (lets not forget Winston was there to brainwash toons). Yes, yes technically there would've been better ways to do it but consider this: The toons are scared. Their homes, stores, lives are being taken over by a big corporation that has more resources that they do. They don't have the privilege of waiting, seeing, and gathering. And then people forget that the company has such a huge role in both toons and cogs lives. If you're mad over the mistreatment of Misty or the fact that Winston is still in the dungeon, your anger should be directed at the company who doesn't care. I may be completely wrong in saying this, but I feel like the stories with almost all of the managers is a reflection of the company. The toons are only trying to protect themself and their environments and yet this seems to go forgotten when people start bashing them. And of course, I'd consider myself a toon guy so me saying all this and complaining may come off as "I HATE the cogs and everyone who posts only about them!" and for clarification that's not true. You all know how much I like that little brain thing. The cogs are interesting, their designs are fun, I don't blame people for liking them because I do too. I just wish that the thought process behind so many of these discussions wasn't so cog focused because I believe that this anger at the toons for, RIGHTFULLY, defending themselves helps push this mischaracterization of them as a whole. That they're mean, boring, unlikeable while the opposite is true. Yes there are some, what I'd consider, "filler" dialogue from the shopkeepers. This is just because of the gameplay. But there are some funny and cute moments with them if people would just listen and read.
Which also brings me into another point: people skip the dialogue. I've caught myself doing this before (on my first account. I have 4 accounts total, so I reread the dialogue on like 3 of them). But people will complain about lack of toon personalities while doing this. It's like reading through a comic book, only looking at the drawings, and then complaining because there "isn't a storyline". Luckily, there's been efforts to keep track of the dialogue on the wiki but I doubt a lot of people are going through and reading the entire script. It just feels very disingenuous to criticize the dialogue when you haven't even read it. Likewise, people don't seem to read the blogposts either. This is both from a dialogue aspect and from an update aspect (people continuously asking about hammerspace/mix-and-match under unrelated posts).
#clemask#clemramble#I think I hit some sort of word limit because it wont let me add anymore so im continuing in tags#It kind of feels like people want the toon resistance to be the perfect victim and then get mad when they act accordingly#Fear. Nervousness. Sadness. Helplessness. Anger. etc etc are all valid reactions to their situation#Not every toon needs to be heroic and whimsical. they're scared. their situation is scary if you think about it#they're at the risk of losing their environment and homes.#Obviously the cogs also have their own issues but I always see this brought up when talking about them but the same context#isnt given to the toons when thinking about their characters and communities as a whole#It's kind of weird to me because I feel like even pre-rewrite I know that I can still understand them and justify their actions#and yet people act like clashes (pre rewrite) writing is justifying the cogs when in reality its not#its just showing that cog society (reflection of workplace enviroment) has its own issues. i never saw it as a justification#even with misty. like I never once hated bessie? my opinion of her never changed even after mistys dialogue#bessie did what she had to do because she was scared and wanted to protect herself and others.#id do something similar if a cog (known for taking over towns) suddenly came up to me#PLUS bessie leaves misty alone afterwards. ppl act like she took a shotgun and shot misty dead and it makes me laugh#ANYWAYS SORRY ANON. NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.#realistically if youre not saying it then i doubt youre contributing#I would say “i wasnt mad” or anything but to be completely transparent with you guys i was Not-Happy when writing that one post#but it's not directed at any single person but rather the idea itself. I'm sure after the rewrite people will chill out#ITS NEVER THIS SERIOUS im beefing over characters named pretty princess sparkles. im aware of how silly this all sounds ok#the clash fandom isnt the only instance of this. ive seen stuff like this in sw before so like. I know this isnt an uncommon thing either#normally id just keep this on a priv or between friends but something kinda snapped yesterday#i think its bc I just KEEP seeing posts like it with those “hot take” posts or whatever and ppl are always so mean about it#i also think some ppl just already dont like toons and look for every. little. thing. to go after them for#like the “youve been drafted line” i refuse to believe people took that line 100% seriously#or maybe this is all wrong and im just a huge toon fan. and in that case i will die on this hill#you will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands before you catch me genuinely bashing them#ok thats clems giant critques and complaints out of the way
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i often thought, through all these years, like
"i'll leave this fandom someday"
i've seen people come and go, i've seen people completely delete and vanish and i've tried to mourn the hole they left behind when they went
(tried to, because i'm not good at mourning, i feel... i'm better at coping, at entering survival mode and just pushing through, and hiding the tears for when nobody is looking; i mourn extremely messy and never ending... i mourn any time i title a fic in full lowercase and think of the things icy said back then;
(i mourn when i see pages that will never update again and records of things from years ago — seeing how friends and i were so different back then, less paranoid, perhaps more carefree, less pained by the weight of world; seeing once busy chat rooms fall quiet even though people are still there, seeing people change fandoms... i mourn now even though i'm making a silly pun on a friend's stream chat)
i thought that one day i would be the next one to go, too
because somewhere in this world there are people who can't simply let others enjoy stuff on their corner or people who can't just give you a rejection email like a normal person and have to dodge a block to mock you, there are people out there who can't just say "i dislike this thing" and move on, instead coming up with convoluted excuses for why the thing is bad, while basking in equally messy stuff to what they bash
there are stalkers, there are people who go on your ao3 fic to ask why you blocked them, there are cowards who send people anon hate for months, people who crap comment on bookmarks, bullies who persist for years
there's a lot of bad and i often thought "maybe i'll be the next one to go... but... will someone miss me, when i go?"
the pessimist in me says people would miss me for a while, then forget
maybe eventually someone would be like "where are the prompts for sc/seph weeks?" and i would've been missed for a moment, then forgotten again
surely someone would come up with replacement events, maybe not
it would be okay... perhaps
the world keeps spinning and i'm but a little rock rolling along the river of time, as they say; ultimately, on my own i'm near powerless
i can't fully protect people i admire from their bullies, i can't stop drama bs from happening, i can barely bring myself to be creative quite often because my energy is limited
i can't rewind time and prevent one of my friends from being traumatized for life
surely one day i would be the next one to go; my self-esteem isn't very high, i don't really think of myself as too important
hell i almost died twice before, due to things outside of my control, i think of my own mortality and how fleeting stuff is a lot more than i'm willing to admit
probably someone like me would be the next to go, from fandom i mean, is what i think when i see people stop doing things they loved because others were evil to them
"surely, this time i'll not come back to public with art, it's not like some silly chibis are desired, it's not like my computer is robust enough, i was never given an excuse for why exactly i was rejected from that zine, maybe it was personal bias but maybe just maybe i really should fail, maybe what i do is not enough anyway... maybe if i come back those kinds of people will hunt me down like prey... but hey it's valentine's day, what if i force myself to do something"
it's not like anyone would've cared much, anyway
i could be the next one to go; the remake brought in too many ill intended people and icy was right in leaving, remake changed the climate
but for every single discourse bs that happens, for every no life person who manipulates others, even though there are too many people who have to touch grass
sometimes... sometimes you appreciate a piece of good fan art for 4 years, often going back from time to time to share it with others, looking at it when things feel too hard and the artist comes back to it, redraws it
and you just think "fuck... i need to do something too!!! i've thought of the original so much, i watched from afar for too long, it watered my dying crops over and over and over"
and i do... and i befriend the artist somehow? and there's official material related to the subject matter, and i befriend other people too and fuck, fuck, fuck—
turns out there way more people than i thought into the subject matter too!!! and even more official material coming out after years of just having this one shortish game to go by, the one thing to bring me into the fandom in the first place
and i just think
"i can't leave... i like it here, i hope no one takes this from me, i'll gladly shield people if i have to, i'll throw hands if i have to"
and suddenly, i can't be the next one to go and this post is turning much longer than i expected it to, while i'm bawling my eyes out from being too emotional while watching a stream
and you, reading this, as long as you're an innocent bystander who contributes in some way, even if you just mostly lurk and don't get involved much? you shouldn't go either
the world is a fuck on fire right now, but maybe you make it less so, for someone
maybe you're someone's favorite artist or writer or cosplayer; maybe someone is still waiting on that fic you haven't updated in like 3 years or maybe someone's seeing you go on hiatus and worrying, "will... will i see you again?"
you never know
maybe you'll indeed, move fandoms some day, find another place to lurk in with people you can affectionately call your "favorite losers" or maybe life will get too busy, maybe you need a short break to detox
but while that doesn't happen, please don't go?
please don't go
#arkeevents#i debated putting this under a read more but do you know what?#i don't think i will#my head has been all over the place since like a little bit before midnight#i'm battered#i feel like i ran a marathon#i saw something that was like... so wrong#and i was gonna stay quiet because i was so scared#but i was like ''you know what? i'm tired of this''#and i said a lot#and in a way i realize? i'm less scared than i expected to be#don't get it wrong: i feel haunted by things i won't really name here#but fuck it we ball#i cried a lot#i may have dissociated a little bit#i may have spent like a few minutes looking at my lockscreen#but like!!!#i'll be okay#and i hope others will be okay too#and i hope i can deliver more of the stuff i enjoy soon!#:)))))#and when i do i hope people can cry with me on a whumpy ride i'm currently writing#it'll be fun! it'll be okay!!!#🫂
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...is the fandom gonna come after me with pitchforks if I even so much as draw a chibi of a character from the comics when I haven't read one in full?
#this sounds like I'm being mean but I mean this genuinely#like.. I wanted to do it with my other chibi set I just posed but got scared halfway through#I've met and interacted with some nice comic folks and to them I am forever greatful but there are definetly some...#...not nice....comic people out there especially in this part of the fandom#and I am..a little afraid of them not gonna lie#moon knight#marvel#marc spector#steven grant#jake lockley#reese williams#I believe thats her last name..#...I might be wrong I'm sure I'll get yelled at if I am.
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Do you ever feel like you don't actually know how to be a real human being like other people you know and they know and you don't and you copy them but you can't quite pull it off right and you're just kind of always like... oh
#i am so uncapable of connecting with other people. and when i do i just act all wrong and i can never understand what I'm doing wrong or how#it all comes so easily to other people and i end up doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing and i just think it's so hard.#I don't think i ever learned how to be a real human being. i think i am permanently stuck in this naive adolescent mindset.#and I'm not like ... depressed about it. I've just kind of accepted this is how i am. and I'm probaby always going to be that sad confused#scared little girl.
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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thinking about how Spider was neteyam's big brother. losing my mind. ripping out my hair.
was 'teyam scared of storms or the dark? did he confide these "childish" fears to his big brother? did he get shy with all the attention he got in the village? did he hold Spi's hand when he got nervous?
did Spi have habits with 'teyam like 'teyam had with lo'ak? did Spi mess with his hair or reach for his shoulder or cuff his neck?
did Spi ever worry for 'teyam after he "stepped up" and became the Big Brother when the humans returned? did he worry something would happen to him? did he want to protect him despite being a human? was he proud? did his pride outweigh his fear?
did he think about 'teyam after he was taken? did he wonder where he was and if he was safe?
what was Spi thinking when he saw the bullet hole in his baby brother's back? did he freeze when he saw the blood, when he realized he failed to protect him?
what was 'teyam thinking? when he looked to Spi, did he want him to be the big brother again, did he want to stop being brave and let Spi do it? did he want to say something?
I have so many questions. I don't think my heart could take the answers.
#I'm probably being delusional. feel free to write this off as fanon bs. idc. it's canon in my mind.#all I can think about is the fact 'teyam died for him. he watched him die. he watched his little brother die.#did he say goodbye to him?#did he sneak into the mauri they kept his body in before they returned him to eywa and say goodbye to his baby brother#properly y'know. not the way he'd say goodbye in front of the kids or at a time where neytiri could see him.#did he stroke his hair and hold his hand and tell him he was sorry?#did he tell him he wished he could switch their places?#did he kiss his forehead one last time? did he look at his face and try and memorize every feature only to find it left wrong by death?#did he worry about him being alone in that mauri at night? did he worry he was scared to be alone in the dark of the pod?#he had to say goodbye to his baby brother for the rest of his life. what did he do? I need to know.#or at least. what did he want to do?#ignoring his grief and guilt and fear of upsetting the others or being caught by neytiri#if he could openly grieve. what would he do?#what would he wish he'd done?#It pains me to say I can't see canon!spider actually getting to give 'teyam a proper goodbye cause of everything#but if he did#what would he have done?#neteyam sully#neteyam#neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan#spider socorro#miles spider socorro#miles socorro#avatar the way of water#avatar#crying actually#I call them Spi and 'teyam cause it feels right
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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Sorry for not posting that much on here! Life is getting in my head right now and has affected my obsession with this show. Don't get me wrong, I still am very obsessed! But it's just taking a little pause at the moment. So much has happened, nothing really good, which is so fun.
This blog ain't go nowhere! Just burnt out, I guess? I promise I'll get to the rest of my marathon... eventually, I don’t wanna force it. It was just terrible timing overall.
Anyways, I'll be around, posting or rebloging! You can still ask me things or talk (but I might take a bit to answer, sorry).
Have a good day/goodnight y'all!
#el speaks#I feel like everyone in this little fandom might be taking a break/are burnt out too or I'm wrong#posting this because I didn't wanna scare or worry anyone about my absence#especially since thecorbah vanished#I hope they're doing alright#doesn't help that a different obsession has taken me...#it's just been difficult to enjoy many things at the moment#I've been trying to let myself breathe after everything but mire things keep happening#maybe I just go back and watch the show without trying to write about it#it's not like I don't like to write (I literally just finished the longest thing I've written in years)#I feel like I'm pressuring myself to say something but I do wanna say things but I feel like it comes off as annoying#sorry I just have a lot on my mind#anyways look at this pick of Larry/Otis!
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Why did Billy decide to do a double take into the camera here-
#he looks so scared the first time he does it (this is 18:21 of 2x02 btw)#don't get me wrong it's a comedic moment and him looking into the camera instead of doing a double take towards TJ & Kelli-#is significantly more funny I just thought that looking into the camera in show like this was taboo. maybe he was told to#he's probably looking just off to the side of the camera or even the camera frame but it looks like he's looking directly at it idk#I'm debating on starting a counter on how many times someone looks into the camera on this show but we'll see I already struggle with notin#every little detail I see and like about this show and jotting all my thoughts down and so it takes me 2 hours to finish an episode#disney lab rats#lab rats#chase davenport#billy unger
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my mom is making a "disciplinary whip" for my dog.
#cw animal abuse#tw abuse#immediate trigger warning as this is just straight up abuse#wanna know why? because she got mad at him for being hyper because he's hungry#because my older brother won't feed him at a consistent time#and all they do is yell at him to “sit down” even though he's ansty about something#either it be he wants to go outside or he's hungry#anyway she hit the table with it in my general direction and I got really scared she was gonna hit me#because she used to “beat” me with a wooden plank fron my old bed#and she keeps making me really uncomfortable whenever she talks about this thing because she's always joking about it#like WHIPPING the dog is a normal and acceptable thing#also in the same 10 minutes she threatened to kick the dog#like kick him directly in his face#he didn't flinch at all. which upsets me because he has virtually no survival instinct around my mom#she'll do this thing where she'll neglect him emotionally (in a sense) if he angers her and be really hostile towards him#and then she'll shower him with love and give him treats and everything and then the second he does something “wrong” it's back to the hate#like why would she fucking get a dog just to treat him like shit#like he's a little hardheaded but I mean He's a Dog.#anyway I feel too much empathy for him because I'm also an animal and go through the same cycles with my mom#I wish I could take him with me when I leave because I can't#if I get another dog it's gonna be specifically a service animal and I wouldn't be able to take care of him as I would need to#hopefully I can convince her to give him away to someone I know and trust because I'm tired of her shit with MY animals#anyway. rant over. this is a touchy thing for me#-jael
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Me: Hey these things are causing issues and getting in the way of my everyday life. Do you know what's wrong?
Every medical professional @ me when my body does the Thing™️:
#it speaks#chronic pain#I have watched the life drain from an ER doctors eyes as he questions everything he's learned when all my test results come back normal#but he can visibly see something is wrong#or the xray tech that just went /oh/ at my severly limited range of motion but the xrays came back fine#or the seasoned physical therapist who told me in all his thirty years he's seen everything but he hasn't seen whatever my leg was doing#or the multiple doctors who've questioned if I was having seizures when tests have shown I'm not#even had a chiro watch my leg speedrun seizing going from a little bent to against my chest as my whole body spasms in like 3 minutes#he was fighting a losing battle trying to straighten my leg but the muscles had zero give and I couldn't flex it or move it#so it just spasmed more and more upwards#but he also noted that my hip felt and looked fine so he just stood there confused as he watched#and then it popped one high pitched one deep and I was fine and he was flabbergasted#time to scare the neurologist next
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#i am actually gettkng really scared that there is something really wrong with me#i really truly don't know what to do#I'm getting so confused all the time#thinking is getting really difficult#i can barely begin to try and articulate what is wrong with me because i can't figure it out#but i need help!#I'm really scared.#im having a blood test next week but i feel like it's just goingbto be same as it always is#i have therapy in the morning. but idk right now i feel like i could fall apart. literally.#i needed to try and get some of this out to see if it will help but idk#everyday my body feels wrong and every day something feels a little off#my vision feels weird a lot of the time. sometimes just looking at things makes me feel like my head us about to explode#and i don't understand why#i can feel the panic coming back and i can't go through that again#i really don't know what to do. i don't know how to ask for help because i don't know how to explain what's wrong.#i feel like somethung is about to go really wrong#I'm spiralling i know i need to go to sleep i just needed to get this oit of my head#I'm just very scared.
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#super freaking out cos my friend who is a vet has offered me a job at her practice as a care assistant#so my job would just be to do all the little jobs. help looking after the animals. cleaning. sometimes calling patients etc#it's a fantastic opportunity but it looks so much more difficult then anything i've ever done before#and on the one hand i'm like ''yes! i love animals! i need a steady income! this is perfect!''#but on the other... i haven't been at my current job that long. so it feels like a dick move to up and leave.#i don't know if i'd be able to cope with the animals dying all the time. some of the stuff i'd have to do looks really technical#and i'm scared i'll do it wrong (eg put the wrong label on the wrong medicine) and it'll lead to an animal dying#like it's a proper full time monday-friday 9-5 kinda gig#which is great cos my current job is a ''are we gonna give you more than 2 days next week?? who knows! it's a supprise!!''#and that situation is stressing me out. so i do need something different#but this is like a proper serious job. and idk that's scary#plus my friend would be my boss. which i don't mind. but i dont want her to vouch for me and then i'm terrible at it...#cos that's not fair on her#they've offered me a trial shift next week. so i guess i could do that and just scope it out..#it also feels like nepotism which doesn't super sit right#but it's not a sure thing. the other vets and practice owners have to agree and they may not like me. it's not like i have experience#and it's only a low paid position so if its nepotism its not like... super beneficial nepotism...#sigh. i know i should go for it. just last time i went for a big different job like this it ended badly#and i ended up back in retail.#so i don't wanna go thru that all again#but i also dont wanna stay working in this shop forever. it wouldn't be too bad if only i had regular hours. .#and i knew what those hours were more than a week in advance#i know this is like.. a non-problem. i'm just stressing about it#plus its making me feel guilty whenever i go into my current job. like i'm cheating on them#i do need that regular income tho#screams in anxiety
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