#Like you can think whatever you want. I'm also depressed and I've honest to god thought probably the same thing verbatim before

[flemmboyant]

hey, listen. i understand that you have depression. but if you are in a room with (or a group chat with) other clinically depressed people, and you respond to them talking about a nice time or about how they enjoy life rn that actually life is an endless tar pit of misery and they're all wrong (and, implied, stupid to not be miserable), you are an asshole.

[kirasworldofwords]

I don't think I ever really introduced myself here so here goes!

First of all, hi! My name is Kira, but you may call me Kiki if you'd like. On AO3, I'm known as "chiquita_chequito", I'm often there just lingering and reading or writing, lol. I'm 21 years old, German with Polish roots and live in a small German town where nothing ever really happens, lol. I have many interests, like certain anime and F1 (especially that as of late) and consider myself a decent writer at least. You're free to quote and/or correct me on that though, lol.

A few random facts about me:

✨️ I'm neurodivergent! I have OCD, ADD and Autism paired with hyperesthesia and ARFID (I know, I know... I should pick a struggle, but alas).

✨️ I also happen to be queer - bisexual as well as somewhere on the aro-ace gradient plus bigender, to be exact. My pronouns are they/she, meaning I prefer "they/them" but am also okay with "she/her". Anything but "he/him" and "it/its".

✨️ My hyperfixation has been cars (as in the vehicles, not the movie) ever since I was a baby. After my first two words, "Mama" and "No", my third word was "Car" in German - the fourth was "Skodda", as per my mom's telling. Surprise surprise, I still love Škodas. 😂

✨️ I play in a sort of marching band that we call Schalmeienzug, there's no direct translation though. It's really fun! Been there for five years now and still love it. 🫶🏻

✨️ Don't ask me how or why but for whatever reason, I can get any song I want stuck in someone else's brain. It works every damn time with just about anyone and yes, I am quite shameless about it. If I have to suffer through having Spongebob music stuck in my brain, then so do you. I have spoken.

✨️ My sense of humor is... skewed at best, fucking dark at worst. That's it. I refuse to elaborate.

✨️ I'm a uni student studying economics, Spanish and Portuguese at the moment! Although my Portuguese prof is an asshole and Spanish is, honest to God, kicking my sensitive little behind. Send help please, no me gusta. ☹️

✨️ In my free time, I also study Finnish. Thanks, Käärijä, lmao.

✨️ And yes, I love Eurovision. As a queer European girlie, that's a must, lol.

✨️ Regarding F1, my favorite drivers of the current grid are Lando Norris, Oscar Piastri, Daniel Ricciardo (noooo, I don't have a thing for Aussies, wdym), Nico Hülkenberg and Sergio "Checo" Pérez. Of the old grid I still somewhat remember (I've been watching F1 since childhood days), my favorites used to be Sebastian Vettel, Kimi Räikkönen and the Nicobergs - aka Nico Rosberg and Nico Hülkenberg. My heart has a special place reserved for Michael Schumacher, though, and it's shaped specifically like his stature. ❤️

✨️ I swear a lot. Like, a lot. I'm not kidding. So... proceed with caution if you're sensitive to that.

✨️ My free time is mainly spent playing video games - I don't have many friends and those I do have don't always have time for me so this is what I revert back to if I don't have somewhere else to be like a performance, lol.

✨️ I drive a black Opel Corsa ecoflex from 2016 and it is my pride and joy. 🫶🏻 Too bad someone decided to ruin my fender just a few months in though. Bastard. Whoever and wherever you are, sleep with one eye open. My car is my baby.

✨️ Last but not least, my writing style is quite distinct in the way that I usually write melancholic, if not downright depressing stuff. I guess it's a reflection of my life thus far - again, I will not elaborate.

That should be it from my side for now. If anything else comes into my messy little pea-sized brain, I shall let you know through editing this post - or just completely rewriting it, lmao.

Which means, for now, have a nice one and don't let the bedbugs bite!

- 🍸

[streetkid-named-desire]

You are truly one of the most annoying people in the cyberpunk 2077 fandom.

Yes yes, block and mute, I will after this ask but by God, get a personality trait that doesn't include being an asshole towards every person who enjoys doing stuff.

I bet you'd be happier too, honestly

Fucking FINALLY my first anon hate. And it only took 7 months of being in this fandom.

You should have seen my actual early cyberbullying years in my early 20s WOOF. I was actually deeply, deeply depressed then and it's true what they say about bullies! That they're just unhappy.

Now I'm happy with my life and very stable.

And you know what? At least I'm honest and don't hide that I'm a bitch. I own that I can be a hater and don't always think before hitting post. I own that I can come across like a huge asshole.

I own that I talk shit.

I own my flaws and try to learn from them when I fuck up with people I like and whose presence I actually appreciate.

But I also don't tolerate bullying and being an asshole for no reason. See, I have a reason for being an asshole and it's because bullies get away with their bullying because no one tells them when they're being a dick.

Anyway, there are much more annoying people than me in this fandom. And it's very funny that after 7 months of being in this fandom I've caused such a ruckus simply because I dislike pinkydude as an individual and think some of his mods and reasons for doing things are bullshit 🤷‍♀️

I'm entitled to have that opinion and he's entitled to keep doing whatever he wants. It's normal to be judgy about other people. You don't have to be nice all the time and accept when people are being shitty. We all make choices about who we interact with and hang around with and what level of bullshit we can tolerate from our friends or peers. And I decided I can't tolerate his level of bullshit anymore.

I also own that I'm a fucking hypocrite because life is about constantly identifying moments of cognitive dissonance and working to fix them. In fact, I looked up quite a few different things and spent a lot of time on my reply here to challenge my own thinking and ideas and ensure they lined up with my actual values. Not to convince you, dear anon, no. You've already made up your mind about who I am based on some tantrum posts.

I'm mostly using this as an opportunity to interrogate and evaluate my own behavior and reasoning.

Anyway, don't worry this will all blow over after a couple hours when I'm done rotting in bed and get to work on other projects and shit I gotta do around the house. Life goes on, etc.

[wetcatspellcaster]

Follow up to the romance question, did you Ascend Astarion in any of your playthroughs? And did anyone else get their version of a “bad ending”? Whether this was unintentional or by design!

hey anon!

this is where only playing Act 3 once so far is going to show :'))

everyone got their 'good' endings in my playthrough, although my Gale storyline was bugged so I didn't really get his story? just the Professor outcome? On the more ambiguous end, I saved Shadowheart's parents due to some very specific 'no dead parents in my escapist fantasy media' requirements, and Karlach and Wyll (freed from his pact) went to Avernus together, back in the days I dreamed of an Avernus DLC.

I'm currently playing a resistant Dark Urge so I imagine it'll be the same again.

to be honest, I know I'll sound like a major hypocrite but I don't think I'll Ascend Astarion in game unless I was in a playthrough where Tav doesn't find Vellioth's lore explaining both the higher cost and how Cazador became the person he was. As I've said a couple of times, whatever the disk-horse is, it isn't the personality or the relationship dynamics with Tav that are the sticking point for me - all of which were interesting and compelling enough to make me want to write a fic about it - it's the '7000 people killed'. in the same way I'm like "you know what, killing refugees *is* a line for me actually" I just don't think that decision is something I will find all that fun. I don't judge anyone for doing an 'evil' run or making 'evil' decisions, I am not taking any moral highground, I am just unfortunately a very tired person who fights my depression by picking optimistic outcomes in my escapist fictional pursuits.

The one thing I would change on a playthrough is potentially the decision with Shadowheart's parents, because I think in a romance you know you can support her afterwards through her grief, whereas as her friend I just didn't want her to live without her family :') I would also consider Ascending Gale, if not for the fact that I'm very shallow and god-mode makes him look like the silver surfer

[wandaluvstacos]

it's weird to me to be both neurotypical and yet never feel like I can access this fundamental ability to foster human connection that seems easy for other people. like, I imagine maybe autistic people feel like this in a way, like there's some kind of secret knowledge everyone else has access to that you don't.

i just think it kinda sucks that I know I'm going to grow old without a support system and I just have to like, live with that? I want to connect with other people but I also don't want to. Every time I hang out with someone, I derive some benefit in feeling like "yes, I am supposed to be doing this because having friends is a good thing!" but there's no genuine excitement there. And I have a good enough time while I'm doing it but then I go right back home and think "I would rather be here by myself actually". If friends didn't occasionally reach out to me, to be honest, I don't think I'd reach out to them.

I think whatever personality quirks of mine are genetic, because my parents don't really have friends either. My siblings do. And I do, technically, but I guess I just lack this deep need/want for human companionship. I WANT to WANT it, that's where my desire lies. I understand the logistical nightmare of growing old alone, and practically I know I have to have support structures. But it's an intellectual desire more than an emotional one. Like, people on here will talk about touch starvation and I have no fucking clue what they're even talking about. I could go the rest of my life without being touched. It's not anything I even think about.

I think the worst part is that I've just never heard about this sort of thing. I'm always looking for some kind of word or identity that captures it so I can actually talk about it with someone else who gets it, but nothing matches-- not depression, not autism, not ADHD, not alexithymia, not even introversion. I just hate how shit feels so hard and draining and unless there's a visit from God in my future, I don't see it ever getting any easier or better. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired, and cut off from what I guess in most people is a fundamental drive for companionship. like lord, I just wanna know what it's like.

[the1trueanon]

thinking about how Sage/Rosemary's plant motif and gardening connection started out as an aesthetic choice, but have actually grown into being very strong symbolism for how Rosemary is meant to represent life and being lively and being alive versus simply living

because Rosemary is meant to encompass the idea of being human and being alive. while Sage is like everyone else and is very much simply living, her general character being muted and soothing and just existing, Rosemary is designed almost as an exact foil for Wally. where Wally is unsure of expression and emotion and doesn't quite grasp it all, Rosemary is extremely emotive and lively, almost to an overly animated degree. BUT! Rosemary isn't just animated, like the other puppets are. she isn't just bouncy or excitable, or gets frustrated at simple problems. she has crises. she goes through human struggles, as a soul who once was human. she knows what death is, but is grasping to understand her own. she's unpredictable. she's happy and enjoying time with her friends one day, and unable to leave her house from the crushing weight of everything she's experienced the next. she puzzles through existentialism. she doesn't just feel happy or sad or upset, she gets depressed and anxious and lost. Wally can't predict her, he can't tell how she'll react (which I 100% think he can for the others. he's too observant not to, observation is his whole thing), he doesn't understand but he wants to.

and what makes all that even better is she doesn't just go through these things alone, she talks them through with the others. she shares it, she lets her emotions and experiences and overall livelihood overflow into the others. she's so full of life that she passes it on to characters who, frankly (hehe :3), shouldn't have been touched by it previously. and yet by sharing it, she doesn't hurt them more, but instead ends up helping all of them understand and reason through the -- honest to the puppet gods horrifying -- breakdown of a world that once was simple and happy and innocent and safe. they mature with her, and she somewhat unwittingly acts as their guide through that (WHICH. ANOTHER FOIL MOMENT. BECAUSE WALLY IS ROSIE'S GUIDE THROUGH THEIR WORLD AND THE TWO'S ABILITIES TO REACH OUT BEYOND IT).

and I've always loved having that idea brought up, about Rosemary being so lively. "You're so full of life" -- practically the most accurate way to describe Rosemary at any state of being (and, ironically, spoken by Wally, who again, I unwittingly ended up making Rosemary a sort of foil for). She is meant to symbolize life, she and Sage are meant to be this sort of "living vs. alive" thing, where neither is bad but its obvious how different they are! and I just! the idea of Sage, a character essentially set to be a sort of vessel for this human who brings this idea of truly being alive to these guys who desperately need it in a time where just living isn't enough to brave whatever horrors are coming for them now, also bringing things to life as her job and aesthetic is just!! augh, it's such nice symbolism and even a nice lil taste of foreshadowing maybe?? and I love it so much!!

and like! genuinely this all kicked of subconsciously and I didn't start connecting it until I thought about trying to maybe change Sage/Rosemary's motif (which, tbh, I started thinking about because I've designed her Reboot AU version (who I'll be sharing soon ;3 wanna get a good collection of doodles to share with you guys before doing so), who instead has a fashion aesthetic instead of plants. I'm not sure why yet other than I like it and I've been influenced by the dress making videos I keep seeing lol)! and I realized that I genuinely can't because it's not just aesthetic anymore! it's ✨symbolism✨!!

ANYWAYS I REALLY FUCKINNG LOVE THIS PROJECT AND I LOVE CLOWN AND THEIR BIG BRAIN AND I LOVE MY LIL RABBIT AND I LOVE EXISTENTIALISM AND I LOVE SYMBOLISM AND CHARACTER DESIGN AND IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ABOUT IT FOR A REALLY LONG TIME OKAY BYEEE 💖

[aria-ashryver]

🌟...aaaaand it's over, no more chemo!🌟

(at least I very much hope so 🤞)

And Caesar, well...

How are you feeling, Aria? When are you getting new scans? Should the side effects go away soon? If they schedule a surgery, when will it happen?

(Also, this is how I picture you getting ready to hear the results of said scans)

♥️🎉🫂🥂

HELLO sweet lovely!!

Thoughts under the cut bc I'm getting a little bleak and edgy for a sec here lmao, but out here, lemme just say:

FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH I DID THAT!!!! 🙌✨🎉💪

I meet with my oncologist next week, so I won't know much more until then (he'll hopefully be telling me I can make an appointment with the surgery team to talk surgery plans!!), but whatever the news is, bring it on. I've got this.

y'know, these last 3 months have really felt like...

but you know what? I'm still here. Still standing. Still got my foot on Caesar's throat.

These past couple days I've been... ugh. I want to keep matching the celebratory energy, I really do. But I am standing on a bloodied battlefield, gasping for air, my darling.

Shortly before noon, May 30th, 2023, I was told my cancer was metastatic.

Advanced.

Secondary.

Stage 4.

Incurable.

I've been carrying that knowledge for a few months now. About 114,000 minutes, actually. And I've been cutting down the intrusive thoughts that whole time. The terror. The doubt. The sheer, stark loneliness that is existing in a body with something insidious that's trying to kill you. I cannot tell you how truly claustrophobic cancer is.

I've won this battle, yes. I made it through my chemotherapy. But I'm going to be sword in hand for the rest of my life. I don't get to rest. And you know what? That's okay. In a lot of ways, I've been fighting for years.

The irony isn't lost on me that I fought tooth and nail to claw my way through depression and suicidal ideation, and now that I finally, wholeheartedly want to live, I get handed a death sentence. One I can beat back, yes (see: bloodied battlefield, foot on Caesar's throat, et cetera), but one that I'll have to continue fighting forever.

I'll be honest, I have more flavours of trauma than a goddamn ice cream parlour, I was wholeheartedly fucked up even before the cancer diagnosis lmao. But NOTHING has broken me yet.

The world has been trying to kill me for decades and I haven't let it.

Caesar is just one more enemy to laugh at.

This battlefield may be bloodied and barren, but it is mine.

I may be standing on a field of broken bones and corpses, but I am standing.

So, here's to the next fight. I'm ready 🖤

also, just as a random parting thought, I was having a massive cry yesterday (again 114,000 minutes!! of being forced to confront my own mortality, and this was only Breakdown #5 (yes, I'm counting), so like... I think I'm doing real good haha). Anyway, I stumbled on a YT short that was so bleakly hilarious to me in the context of having cancer that I laughed so hard it snapped me right the fuck out of it and i stopped being sad and resumed being awesome

the tl;dr is hell yeah chemo is over (hopefully), and I am literally unkillable and feeling very cool and rad about it 💅

also now I want a sword.

oh my god i totally need to buy myself a sword when they declare my body cancer free don't i?

...oh my god im gonna do it

kitty you genius

[queen-of-darkness001]

Trigger warning ⚠️

Hey fellows,

I'm fucked up seriously writing this and sobbing feeling clueless about everything

I'm taking therapy for approximately 2 years and half and was diagnosed w bpd

And i was happy knowing what im goin through, like finally i have justifications and interpretations of each behavior I've always had, i read a lot, and even write a lot about this mental illness to transmit awareness to others. But what about me? I literally get obsessed with my dreams and it's not recent it was like this since my childhood, like i do escape into them even if they were bad, i turned every kind of nightmare into a short story and started publishing part of them after my blog was launched.

I encountered many distresses in my childhood , wished them to be triumphed

But they didn't they just became accumulated and caused me to be involuntary melancholic... i went to therapy because i tried hard w myself but i couldn't always find solutions for my case individually, i had anger issues , panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive episodes and manic episodes which are inclined to make me extremely crazy, like a balloon you whiff inside and the air blown makes it bigger and bigger until it explodes, then i feel nothing and deteriorate mentally and physically just going through dissociation, get obsessed with my dreams instead of living in reality... so once i thought that these means are just temporary and i need an expert to fix that disfunctioning machine , i went to a psychiatrist to help me out of this zone, i was literally loving people in an aggressive way instead of expressing love appropriately i just fuck it up ... I'm a writer and i wrote most of times for myself , also an artist and i did express myself a lot but for people it was rare because i was ashamed of the pain I'm carrying,  used to hide it thinking i might be a burden or pain might be underestimated by others. After a while i decided to choose being seen like enough is enough this creativity is fuckin getting outI started to write because i like it... and paint to express myself to people and to myself either. That helped me quite good through my sessions as well

And made me more honest and less ashamed of myself likewise,  my pain can be seen.

But here we go again after a time of self love and awareness here we go extreme either up or down and suffer into both processes... seeking help without uttering a word ... at the same time they get out of my mouth because i can't hold them anymore, instead of a person who's passionate i turn into a beast looping in a labyrinth its ending is foggy and can't be accessed. I have a husband, that already makes me happy and I'm very grateful, speaking of this I'm a very giving person and because of therapy and my efforts i just became more giving and caring

But most of times im being taken by others as a lazy person they can't get it that im fuckin tired and i cant manage it... i take meds and attend sessions and doing my best but my 100% is often seen as 1% by ambience people.

My mom and my husband are very helpful God bless them but whenever i look at them having other priorities to do aside of helping me at home or whatever i feel extremely guilty and i hate myself the double .

I wish i could do more but this is my capacity. I act within it.

I try to be productive, helpful and a giver but i fail sometimes too. Most likely not comparable with anyone else because a mental disorder isn't as simple as they think

I pass through 3 different phases daily

And i feel everything or feel nothing amongst them

I feel lost despite i know what i want

I feel sometimes that i wanna separate from all people and isolate myself

Im paranoid most of times that they might die or abandon me despite they're loyal and trustworthy

It's just me

I'm always triggered I'm always concerning about details my brain feels like a battlefield without a single exaggeration. I prone to explain a lot sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me creepy and intimidating for others. Yes honesty sometimes is a curse

I'm honest about fragility but im a beast if someone tried to turn it against me not to work on it. Eventually im trying my best idk who's reading, who's interested but i just spelled all my thoughts here rn which are just a sample of what i actually encounter everyday. I wish i could rest.

I wish i could wash away my pain .

But all ik , all the positivity i get from here -is that i decreased the anger issues, am -being aware about myself and telling people about it even if my hands were shaking meanwhile narrating details that might be seen as shame

- defending myself despite i hate myself sometimes

- i stopped cutting and preferred smoking over it as a less dangerous self harm

- im good to my husband and family and even strangers who need my help

- im focused on writing and painting

- i give myself time to rest even though ig might extend but i always try to reach to a settlement with my husband to make him less burdened

- i find solutions meanwhile problems instead of just arguing and reaching no point

- i became so domestic and that causes me less anxiety because i hate going out usually. Doesn't change the fact that i love going out too with a safe company like my husband

- i was yearning if i would be a bad mother one day but with this amount of love and care i can give limitless support and provide my kid with joy at any cost

- whenever i do sth wrong recklessly i try to set boundaries and correct myself i even sometimes control myself not to do these stuff before they happen.

Had to vent because im off today and been worse since i had spasms and lost my ability to move my extremities for a while... now im good but feels like my first time in a gym and my muscles hurt af

...and in closure, i usually need confirmation from people about myself and a lot of praises

But im working on this now and trying to be neutral as never been before .

[permanentreverie]

Heyyyyyy bestie!

Occasionally, I have the desire to pop onto Tumblr and attempt to relight the candle within me that still loves this hellsite and longs to return, and apparently this is one of those times. So tonight, I decided to come into your inbox and ask you a random question like old times,,,,, pray to god the ask doesn’t get eaten by the tumblr gods, depraved though the may be,,,,, anyway, here’s a thought, perhaps inspired by my impending SKZ concert (still screaming, crying, throwing up, wanting to eat glass, and commit murder over such a statement. Can you BELIEVE it’s actually gonna happen!!!! This isn’t just the fangirl pipe dream it usually is!!!!):

If you could attend any concert (past, present; not even currently in the works, outside of the majesty of your imagination), what would it be?? But like,,,, top 5 concerts because I know you have too much love in your heart to ever possibly choose just one <3

Also, I’m still exploring ATEEZ but I think it vital you know that I was seriously considering just making hongjoong my bias today and sticking by it, and then I found out,,,,,, he’s the shortest member of ATEEZ,,,,,, it was a joke I love my short kings, but idk how much of a joke it truly IS, anymore. I can’t deny the facts that beyond Namjoon, all my biases are the short ones,,,,,,,

Oh, lol, I forgot to share at least some of my ideal concerts:

Bastille for All This Bad Blood and/or Doom Days

5SOS for Youngblood and/or CALM

BTS for literally anything ever (they could make music with those free sound effects you can use for video editing and I would eat it up 😤😤)

Coldplay for Viva La Vida or Death and All of His Friends

Dvicio for literally any album/era post 2016. (I just haven’t given Justo Ahora enough plays to really get into it the way I currently get down to Impulso, Qué Tienes Tú, and EL LABERINTO)

Special shout out to Hozier, Depeche Mode, The Rose, Backstreet Boys, Billy Joel, Panic! At The Disco, and ONEUS <3. They would also be a dream, but I gotta prioritize at some point, and I might as well mention the less attainable concerts first 😭 rip to my favorite eras of these bands and/or the fact that they’ll never tour by me (dvicio come closer than Mexico City challenge,,,,, it’s hard enough to convince me to cross state lines,,,,)

ma'am I am blessing you kissing you tenderly for sending me this, I have been pondering this these past few days and I'm honestly just getting salty that no artist wants to come to Canada, let alone my province rip. Without further ado, here are my Top 5 Concerts:

BTS (I would agree I would literally not care whatever era, for whatever setlist, but if I have to be 100% honest I'd kill to go to their Love Yourself tour, every fancam I've seen, every performance we've gotten filmed, I NEED!)

Taylor Swift - Eras Tour (there still might be a chance for me to attend. Please miss blondie release the international dates I will commit crime to get hands on tickets)

Agust D (can you believe Yoongi is going on a world tour and going to like 10 countries. Askjfs I get it with his enlistment and all and we're for sure getting concert clips but I WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS!!! Plus I'm 90% we're gonna get Tony Montana with Jimin and I would and will go insane when that happens)

Seventeen - Be The Sun Tour (I got legit post concert depression when this ended and I didn't even attend

Twenty One Pilots - The Bandito Tour (bruh I sooo should have caved and got tickets back in 2018. Every single time I listen to Trench - one of my favourite albums of all time - I constantly think of how amazing it would be to hear live. and then I die a little inside knowing I'll never get the chance)

honourable mentions are: Coldplay, Conan Gray, the 1975, Arctic Monkeys, ONE OK ROCK, Nothing But Thieves, Hozier, NF (again), Stray Kids, The Rose, Bastille, The Weeknd, 5SOS, Chase Atlantic, Panic! At The Disco

[jaythelay]

Ay are there any psychiatrists or whatever doctors that know the right words to say to get a doctor to do their job?

For example if you're a woman, I've heard most times they're callously ignored unless they claim they're trying to concieve a child, then they get help.

Or if you say you had sudden weight loss they'll take it extra seriously because it's a sign of cancer.

What magic words get a doctor to not abandon me after the first 2 weeks, or overprescribe me 9 (golly all sorts of mental health based pills that worked as well as sugar pills) meds at the same time?

I got this abcess on my cheek since 2019 I've had multiple surgeries for, including taking out an entire saliva gland. All doctors in my area basically are gone or don't take my insurance so everywhere I've had to go is actual hours away. I can't force myself to keep trying on a complete failure of a system when I'm this bogged down mentally after so many failures by doctors for me.

I just need medicine for my ADHD and whatever broke my brain in 8 years ago with shrooms, either DP/DR or serotonin burnout. I've been genuinely trying for years ya'll I've never been more existential, straight up, a less strong willed person would've offed themself the first year in and no that does not make me feel powerful it terrifies me existentially.

I tried saying I wanted real meds to help because I went through, quite literally, all the meds they'd give a depressed teenager and not someone completely brain broken. They were scared I wanted drugs. Thanks doc. I tried saying I was scared of the big meds but I'd like to work towards them this time, they abandoned me after the second week, leaving me in an online call for 2 hours with 0 response nor callbacks of any sort. I tried telling them I think it's a tooth causing the abcess, they didn't listen because they were confident it was a saliva gland. It wasn't. I tried being nothing but honest, breaking down in tears just saying I want to live, they prescribed me hydroxozin or whatever. Something I'd been taking since 2018. I was speechless.

I get they can't immedietely prescribe actual medicine to me until they know me enough and have established a connection, but then they just...leave the state without warning? What am I supposed to do...Seriously.

My roommate has been quite literally The Support I've been needing to get progress on this, I don't drive and barely understand insurance or most stuff told to me really in that world, nor can I with my brain broken from shrooms. He's been a rock, but he's also been the Only Help. I can't keep relying on them as they got their own problems.

Doctors around my area genuinely Do Not Give A Shit. I need these magic words, being honest and patient gets me taken advantage of Incedibly Dangerously. Stretching the truth got me no where. Being myself got me nowhere. I'm tired ya'll. I want to feel Okay. Just Okay. How is that so fucking hard for the medical system when I put Every Possible Ounce Of Effort One Could Manage.

Like, They Took My Saliva Gland Ya'll. They put me on 9+ meds at the same time. It did Nothing. Not One Thing. But make me worse off and more poor. I can't afford to drive 2 hours to a psychiatrist who wants to question my TBI marijuana card and act like the One Helpful Medicine Any State Has Ever Given Me, is actually the problem. That I'm the problem, and we're gonna need blood tests we'll NEVER follow up on despite assuring me it would end up being useful. Where's my blood you piece of shit? What'd you do with it???

Like my god ya'll. My god. Help. Just help. Don't scrutinize I can't handle some dumb motherfucker larping my life as some asshole when I've been more patient than any doctor or psychiatrist I've met. There is no pedastal, I'm on my hands and knees in tears.

Like this one psychiatrist started crying in the middle of me explaining the one happy moment I had with my dog in that recent time, because theirs died- AND TO BE CLEAR, NO JUDGEMENT, TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE, but why the FUCK ARE YOU HERE THE DAY AFTER!?!?!?!? I had to shut the fuck up because WHAT the fuck do you continue that conversation with? Set me back so fucking hard man, I just wanted to share a good moment, a rarity at the time, and it went to shit.

Like I consoled her and all that, It's a legitimate reason to breakdown at any job, just...why the fuck the day after when you're a psychiatrist!?!? What the fuck man.

HELP. ME. I'm surrounded by fucking incompetancy. America or whatever, blue state, I don't care. Whatever gets a doc to do their fucking job without threatening to take the only prescribed medicine that helps, away from me.

Please. Fucking Please. I'm tired. I'm not well. And I don't have the energy to try again and again experimenting until I find those magic words. Or maybe I said something? I dunno! I'm desperate to feel any other fucking way than absolutely hopeless.

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[stormswrath]

Political Leanings

I suppose with November fast approaching, politics are damned near impossible to avoid nowadays. I've tried to minimize it popping up on me, but I suppose the only way to avoid it is to not be online. Easier said than done. As to what I think of our presidential candidates, it is not flattering for either one. I am going to vote, and I know who I'm voting for, but I'm going to hate it. I always said voting felt like choosing the lesser of two evils. This is the first time I've REALLY felt that. It's a depressing thought.

For me, I've always felt like my political barometer was left of center. While I am relatively indifferent on a lot of hot button issues, one thing I am very much not indifferent about is how people of different demographics are treated. It is obvious what groups the laws of this country favor, and how people outside of those groups are treated or outright dismissed is disgusting. One thing I will always say is I don't care where you come from, where you live, what your ethnic background is, how much money you have in your bank account, what gods you worship, what you identify as, what you have between your legs, or whose genitals you like having in your mouth. No one is above anyone else, and everyone deserves to be seen and heard. To paraphrase Boondock Saints, do not kill, do not rape, do not steal. These are principles anyone can embrace. Being black doesn't make you a criminal. Being white doesn't make you a racist. Being Latinx doesn't make you a drug dealer or a rapist. Being Asian doesn't make you...whatever bad stereotype comes with that, and being LGBTQ doesn't make you a child molester or groomer. I could go on, but I think I made my point. We are who we choose to be, regardless of where we are on that spectrum.

As I said, that is probably my strongly political viewpoint. I am fiscally conservative. While I think it is admirable wanting to have all these programs for disadvantaged groups, if you don't have the money, you don't have the money. I would give some help to people, but I'm not going to financially screw myself to do it.

Gun rights. I do believe owning guns is perfectly fine. I also believe in regulations to attempt to keep guns from people who shouldn't have them. I understand if someone wants a gun badly enough, they will find a way to get one. Doesn't mean we have to make it as easy as walking into a Wal-Mart and saying "Gun me, please". I also don't understand the need for one person to own a triple-digit number of guns. I know gun collecting is a thing. Historical guns, antiques, things like that. But, when you are like this one guy I've met in the past whose proudest achievement is owning 80 rifles and two dozen handguns...yeah, I'm giving you bombastic side-eye.

Immigration. On one hand, I am all about preventing people from illegally crossing our borders. I mean, if you want to come here, do it the right way. At the same time, I'm not going to forget that these people are exactly that. People. And they deserve to be treated as such. And too many people that cry "illegal alien" need to honest with themselves and admit the "illegal" part isn't the problem with them. Own your bigotry.

The fact that things like climate change, poverty, and Covid are political issues is beyond absurd to me. I mean, come on. You managed to politicize a goddamn pandemic that killed millions. And climate change? You literally see and feel it every day. Sure, maybe you can argue the degree to which we affect it, but to deny its very existence? Well, flat-earthers are a thing, so why am I surprised? To quote the late, great George Carlin; "Some people are really fucking stupid!"

As I said earlier, I could on and on about this. But I won't. It saddens me that people don't vote for the good of the country. We vote because our candidate pisses off people who don't agree with us. We vote because we hope our choice will get rid of people who make us uncomfortable or scared. How many people even still read up on who they vote for? We don't learn who they are, what they believe in, or what their goals are. All so many people care about when they vote is what letter comes after their names. The D or the R.

Ok, I'm done. I still encourage anyone who can vote to do so. I hope, if you do, you take one moment to consider everyone in this country, and not just you and yours. I hope you remember the lessons from the past and take that into consideration. I, for one, would really love to see this country's 250th anniversary.

I want to remember what it means to have pride in our country and ALL of its people.

[traumacatholic]

do you think god would hate me if i killed myself? I dont know if I can do this anymore

God isn't capable of hating someone. There are theological debates around suicide - nothing that I feel appropriate to mention here. And I've always taken the stance that God is not bound by the same rules we are, and that God is capable of working mercy on those who commit suicide or on those that try.

That being said, it is obviously a much better option to have God work his mercy and grace on your life. To have that mercy in the here and now. I don't have an easy answer to whatever you're struggling with. I've attempted suicide multiple times before, and all I can really say is that whilst I have a complicated relationship with living - I'm still glad that I did not succeed.

I've posted about the Catholic Guide to Depression before, and I would really recommend that you check it out. And find ways to reach out for support. I know that the mental health system, regardless of what country can be so often lacking for those in pain. But there are a lot of charities that offer community therapy and resources. Some of them can also be a resource to help advocate to a doctor. But they can also just be a resource to have friends, and a place of belonging. Something as simple as an email can really make a difference.

There's a guide to various books about different mental health issues, and I would recommend trying to check them out. Some of them should be available as an audiobook somewhere too.

The beauty of life, the beauty of God, the beauty of the faith is that we are capable of asking for that strength to continue. That so often we will be surprised at what we are capable of through God's grace. And yes that gets exhausting at times. We don't want that pain. We don't want to go through these things. But there are going to be times that you don't feel like that. And the world feels so light and beautiful. There's no easy answer to the problems of living - but that doesn't make suicide the answer either.

God's grace is the answer. God's mystery is the answer. It's okay to cry to Him. It's okay to be angry with your position and feelings in life right now. And honestly something that really helped me was making prayer about that. About being honest about my anger. About being honest about my frustration and sadness. And having those moments each day can take such a load off. I'll be praying for you.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

this is me trying

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader; Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

word count: 3592

[a/n: I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to update this and my other story. i’ve been busy with school and work. thank you for your continued patience and support]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20 Year: Dec. 2014 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"How have you been James?”

Bucky looks out the window to his right. Hands grasped together in his lap as he sits on the dark green sofa across from the woman he's been seeing for the last 5 months.

He ponders the question, making sure to answer it honestly. He looks back at her giving her his full attention again.

"Good," he answers truthfully, a small smile planted on his face. Life has been good. School is going incredibly well. My job is going better than I could've imagined. Really learning a lot."

"How are things going with Natasha?" The older lady asks.

“Great. Really great," Bucky says with a slightly bigger smile.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," she smiles back, proud to the see progress James has made since his first visit moths ago.

After the blow up he and Steve had, Bucky fell into a depressive state. He refused to talk to anyone about what had happened. It wasn't until his younger sister Rebecca came to talk to him:

"I get you don't want to talk to any of us about what happened last week," she said as Bucky laid in bed looking out the window, his back facing her, "But you can't just stay in bed, hiding for the world. Starving yourself isn't going to solve anything.

"Sulking is only going to make you worse. It's not healthy, Buck. We're all worried. Ma is incredibly worried. She's barely been eating. I hear her wandering the house at all hours, because she can't sleep."

"You don't want to talk to us, fine. But you need to talk to someone. If not for yourself, but for Ma. Please," she begs, before leaving Bucky alone to ponder what she said.

He knew he wasn't coping the healthy way. He hadn't realized how much he was affecting his family by shutting down. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his mother. So he got himself up, took a shower, ate breakfast with his family. They were surprised to see him come down, but tried not to draw any extra attention to it. Rebecca gave him an understanding nod, which he reciprocated. After breakfast, he began his research. He decided to listen to Rebecca's advice and find someone to talk to someone to help him make sense of what is going on in his mind.

And that's how he ended up in Dr. Abraham's office.

"Have you contacted Steve yet?" She asks.

"No," he answered fiddling with his fingers, "I feel embarrassed about the way I reacted."

"That's normal, James," she assured him, "But in order to repair any damage that's been cost, you need to talk to Steve. To move forward. From what you've told me he's a very understanding person. I'm sure once you've apologized and explain to him the steps you've taken to help your mental health, I'm sure he'd be willing to accept you back into his life."

"I'm not so sure," he looked down at his hands.

"You won't know until you've tried. Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to help you navigate your thoughts a little better. In a more healthy way. If you're really serious about living a more healthier mental life, I think you should talk to him. You don't want to really throw this lifelong friendship away, do you?"

"No, I don't," he shakes his head.

"Good. Remember to be honest," she tells him, "Vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Your feelings aren't a nuisance. it's how you handle them is what matters. I'm not saying you have to talk to him as soon as you walkout of here. I just want you to start making the notion of doing so. Our time is just about up, how about we do this. Some homework for the week.

"I want you to write a letter to Steve. Bring it in next week, you don't have to read it. But I would like to discuss it. What do you say?"

"Okay, I could do that," he agreed.

Christmas week

Steve and Elizabeth flew back home a few days before Christmas. They put their bags in the trunk of their rental car.

The car ride was silent for awhile, both tired after a long flight, now sitting in traffic on their way back to their parents' place. This would be their first time back to Brooklyn since the whole Bucky situation. The road trip back to California was fun, but there was a looming sadness over Steve. It's not like he regrets standing up to Bucky he doesn't. He just wishes thing would've played out differently. He really wished Bucky would've talked to him before he left back to California.

"How are you feeling about being back?" Elizabeth asks, while they sat in traffic.

"I don't know," Steve sighs, "Feels weird going back home and not talking to Bucky."

"Maybe you should try calling him. It's been a few months. I'm sure he'd be willing to hear you out," she said, rubbing his right arm.

"I don't want to push him," Steve said through gritted teeth, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter.

Bucky had been a touchy subject the last few months. During the first month Elizabeth would ask Steve if he'd heard from him, the answer always being no, followed by Steve shutting down. After that Elizabeth stopped asking, noticing how much it was affecting Steve, but the constant reminder of it wasn't helping. She knew that if Bucky ever did call, Steve would tell her. The only thing she could do was be patient and be there for Steve whenever he needed her.

The holidays kept everyone busy. On Christmas Eve. Steve spent it with Elizabeth's family at her grandma's house. Elizabeth found herself watching Steve play with her younger cousins, she couldn't help but giggle when they roped him into a tea party. She found herself imagining a future where Steve would do the same with their own children. She quickly shook the daydream away. Reprimanding herself a little for even thinking about kids at their young age.

On Christmas morning Elizabeth and Steve spent it with his parents. It was a nice peaceful day just lounging around in their pajamas. For dinner, Elizabeth's parents went over to have dinner at the Rogers' house. It was a nice little send off dinner for their parents who were leaving for Mexico to spend the New Years for a couples' getaway.

Elizabeth and Steve were heading to the Hamptons to spent NYE with Wanda, Thor, Loki, and Scott. They had planned to have a nice, peaceful trip.

While Steve and Elizabeth were at the Hamptons, Bucky and Natasha were spending their NYE at his family's beach cottage in Port Washington.

They were cuddled on the couch surrounded by take out containers, watching the New Years Eve special waiting for midnight to happen.

Bucky got up about 15 minutes to midnight to grab something from the kitchen. He walked back into the room with a new bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes.

"Got some champagne," he said holding it up for Natasha to see.

"Um," Natasha awkwardly shifted in her seat, "Actually about that."

Bucky looked at Nat confused, putting the bottle and flutes down on the coffee table before sitting back down next to her.

"What's wrong" he asked, grabbing the tv remote to mute the tv, and give Natasha his full undivided attention.

"So there's something I haven't told you," she says looking down at her fidgeting fingers.

"You're worrying me Nat," Bucky said, grabbing her hands to help ease her nerves

She looked up to meet his worry filled eyes.

"I'm pregnant," she announced.

Bucky eyes widen at her announcement, instantly dropping her hands. The look on her face showing she was telling the truth.

"How is that possible?" He asks in disbelief, "We've been so careful. We use double the protection. Condoms and you're on the pill."

"Actually about that," she nervously shifted under his intense gaze, "I haven't been on birth control in a little over two months."

"What?" Bucky yelled, quickly rising from his seat, "What do you mean you haven't been on birth control in a little over two months?"

"I got off of it," she shrugged trying to play it off, "It's my body and I can do what I want with it. And I just wanted to give my body a break, I've been on the pill since I was 15."

"I get it's your body, Natasha, I'm all for you doing whatever you want," he stresses, "but you should've told me. I'm your boyfriend, we have sex frequently. You should've at least had the respect of your sexual partner, letting him know that you were no longer on birth control. So in that case I could've been a tad more careful."

"We were using condoms," she half heartedly defended herself.

"They aren't 100% effective Natasha," he gripped his hair, in complete disbelief over this entire conversation, "You even know that. That also doesn't defend yourself for not telling me. You should've told me."

"I'm sorry. It's not like I was planning for this to happen," she yelled.

Bucky just stared at her like she just grew two heads. How is she not freaking out, he thought. They were clearly way too young for this. Which is why they took precautionary measures.

After a few moments of silence Natasha spoke up, "I'm keeping the baby."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He felt the room closing in on him. He started having a hard time catching his breath.

"James," Natasha quietly said, getting up to check on him. He raised his hand, silently telling her to stay where she's at.

He headed for the back door, the house felt too suffocating for him. He walked through the the small yard to the gate that led to the beach. Stumbling around.

To a stranger they would just think he's drunk. In reality he was just having a panic attack.

It was all too much. His mind was racing.

She's pregnant. With a baby. My baby. I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a dad. I'm not ready to be a dad. My dad was shit. God I can't be like my dad. I'm not ready for all of this.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched over trying to catch his breath. But he just couldn't. He did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew would help.

Steve and Elizabeth were laughing with their friends, waiting for the countdown to begin. Steve felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He moved his shoulder off of the back of the couch, where Elizabeth was cuddled up against.

He pulled his phone out and his heart dropped at the name that appeared. He quickly got up and walked out of the living room and upstairs to the room where he was staying in for the week.

Wanda raised her eyebrow at Elizabeth, who just shrugged her shoulders, equally as confused.

"Bucky?" Steve answered the phone, closing the door behind him. He could hear Bucky hyperventilating on the other side.

"Steve," he tried to get out.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Steve asked, pressing the phone even closer to his ear the sound of everyone downstairs counting down to midnight.

"Steve, I-," Bucky was struggling to get out.

"Buck, please try to calm down," Steve stressed, "Inhale, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. You need to calm down. I can't help you, if I can't understand you."

Bucky tried his best to calm himself down, with Steve talking him through it.

"Now, can you explain to me what's wrong?" Steve asked, hearing Bucky's breathing leveling out more.

"I-I'm not re-ready Steve," Bucky stutters, sniffling his nose.

"It's okay take your time, I'm here whenever you're ready."

"No, it's Natasha.”

"What's Natasha? Is she okay?" Steve questioned, getting more concerned.

"Yes, she's fi-ine," he stuttered again, trying to say the words.

"Where are you Buck?" Steve asked, looking around for his shoes and keys.

"I'm at the beach cottage."

"I'm in the Hamptons. Is there any way you can meet me back at my place?"

"Yeah, I think I can," Bucky said a bit more calmer now.

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

When midnight struck Elizabeth went upstairs to check on Steve, making sure everything was okay. She could hear him on the phone talking to Bucky, trying to calm him down. She waited outside of the door to give them some privacy.

Twenty minutes later Wanda went to go check on them, to find Elizabeth sitting on the floor.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"I don't know," she answered, "I'm waiting for Steve. You can head back down, I'll be down shortly."

"Okay. We're here if you guys need anything," Wanda said before walking back down.

After another 25 minutes Elizabeth heard Steve hang up the phone. She softly knocked on the door, and let herself in. She walked in to see Steve frantically going around the room collecting his things.

"Steve is everything okay?"

"It's Buck. He called me while he was having a panic attack. Something about Natasha," he tells her.

"Is she okay?"

"I think so. I was able to calm him down. I need to get back home," he said putting his things in his suitcase.

"Okay. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you for the drive?" She asked.

"I don't want you to have to cut your time here short," he says, feeling guilty for bringing this on her.

"Steve, something is clearly going on with Bucky. I want you to go to him, but maybe it's best if I drove. I haven't had a drink in hours, and you seem too frantic. Please let me help," she pleaded, placing her hand on his stopping him.

Steve looked up and noticed the worry on Elizabeth's face.

"Okay," he gave in, "We'll need to leave as soon as we can."

Elizabeth nodded, quickly grabbing her weekender bag and start shoving things in. If they forgot anything's he knew Wanda would bring it back.

They said their quick goodbyes and were on the road within 5 minutes, with Elizabeth behind the wheel and Steve fidgeting in the passenger seat.

Bucky took a few minutes to himself on the beach, trying to make sure his anxiety was at rest before he headed back inside. When he entered the house, Natasha shot up from her seat.

"Happy New Years," she awkwardly said, trying to cut the obvious tension.

"Umm," Bucky scratched his head looking everywhere but at Natasha, "We need to leave."

"What?"

"I mean, you can stay if you want and I'll pick you up tomorrow," he rephrased, "But I can't stay here. I need to go. Steve is meeting me at his house."

"Steve?" She was taken back by that mention, not expecting to hear Bucky say his name. He hasn't mentioned Steve in months.

"Yeah, I called him," Bucky says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yeah, listen. I really need to go, so are you going to stay or come with me?"

"To see Steve?"

"No. I would drop you off at your place," he tells her, "I'm seeing Steve alone."

"Will she be there?"

Natasha didn't really know exactly why Steve and Bucky weren't talking, at first. Then she heard that Steve and Elizabeth were dating, and it all made sense. The only person that could tear Bucky and Steve apart. She never told Bucky that she knew. Figured it wasn't worth the fight. Especially not now when she was carrying his child.

To an outsider it might seem like she got pregnant on purpose, but that wasn't the case. She knew they were too young for this, at least that's what she thought when she first found out about the pregnancy a week ago. But now that she's sat with it she's taking it as a sign that this is meant to happen. She's just really hoping that Bucky would see it, if not now but eventually.

"Listen, Natasha, I don't have time for this," he looks her in the eyes, "Are you coming or not?"

"I'll get my bag," she remarked with a snark tone, walking passed him to their shared room.

A couple of hours later Bucky was pulling up in front of the Rogers' house. 2:15 am read the clock in his car. He looked to his right, out the passenger side window to see a dark figure sat on the front steps of the house.

Bucky took one last breath before exiting the vehicle.

As soon as he opened the front gate Steve stood up from where he was sat on the stairs.

Once Bucky approached him both young men threw their arms around each other. Gripping each other tightly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. They stayed like that for awhile. Relishing in the comfort of being back in each other's arms. Their silent fight no longer important. All they knew in that moment was everything was going to be okay, because no matter what they'll always have each other.

Steve walked into his parents' living room holding two mugs of coffee. As he rounded the couch, he handed one to Bucky.

"Sorry, if I ruined any of your plans," Bucky apologized, "Tell Elizabeth I'm sorry for taking you away."

'Buck, don't worry about it," Steve waved him off, "She completely understands. And truth be told, I wasn't necessarily feeling in the New Year's mood."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" Bucky nods his head, placing the coffee mug on the coffee table in front of him. He shifted his body to the left to face Steve.

"She's pregnant," he announces.

"What?" Steve asked, not expecting that to be the reason, he quickly placed his mug next to Bucky's.

"Yeah, my reaction exactly," Bucky said.

"What? How?"

"Apparently Natasha hasn't been on the pill in a couple of months," Bucky explains, "And even though we always used condoms, they aren't exactly 100% effective."

"Did you know she wasn't on the pill?"

"Nope," Bucky tells him, "If I knew I wouldn't been a bit more cautious."

"So she told you she was pregnant?" Steve said getting back to it.

"Yeah. She was so nonchalant about it. Like it was no big deal," Bucky stressed,

"How is she just so calm. We're not prepared for this. I'm not ready for this Steve. I can't be a dad. I don't even know how to be a decent human being."

"That's not true Buck," Steve disagreed.

"Come on Steve, we haven't talked in months, and we both know it's not because you didn't try," Bucky says, "I was so caught up in my own jealousy. And selfishness, that I never even considered your feelings or Elizabeth's. And I don't think I can ever make it up to you for treating you like you're nothing to me."

"You were hurt," Steve tried to excuse.

"Doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Bucky says, "I know that now."

"I've been seeing a therapist," Bucky informs him, "I never realized how much my mental health was taking a toll on those around me. So after our fight, I found someone to talk to. To work through the shit that's going on in my mind."

"How's that been going?" Steve asked.

"Good," Bucky gives a half smile, "Really good. She's good. I've realized a lot about myself that I didn't know. Working through all the issues I've had with my father leaving."

"That's good Buck. I'm proud of you, truly," Steve beamed, patting Bucky on the shoulder.

"I really am sorry for the way I behaved," Bucky repeated again.

"Buck, you really don't have to apologize again," Steve told him.

"I need to Steve," he said, "I can't believe I acted that way. I should've been happy for you and Elizabeth. I'm glad you two have each other. Seriously. I couldn't imagine her with anyone better, same goes for you. I won't cause any more issues for you two. It's not worth not having you in my life. You're my brother Steve, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Thanks, Buck. It really means a lot to me to hear that," Steve smiles, "Because I don't want to miss anything in your life also."

"Yeah, especially now," he says, the reality of why they're there dawning back.

"How are you feeling now about the baby?"

"I don't know, man," Bucky shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up, like everything else."

"But now you're working on that," Steve reminds him, "And you're not going to be doing this alone. You have people who are always going to be there. I may be in California now, but I'm just a phone call away. You're not alone. But you do have to try Buck. That's all that you can ever do. Try your best, no one's asking you to be perfect, but as long as you're trying your best, that's what's important."

Age: 21 Year: 2015

The sounds of a baby crying woke Bucky up from his sleep in the early depths of the morning. He quietly and quickly got out of bed, making his way to the small New York kitchen to make a bottle.

He walked into the small nursery where the two-month-old baby wailed from hunger.

"It's okay," Bucky shushed gently, picking up the small baby, "Daddy's here."

He adjusted the small baby in his arms before placing the bottle in the baby's mouth.

"There you go," he encouraged the small one, as soon as he heard the sounds of the baby drinking.

Bucky sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, opposite of the crib. He just stared as the newborn drank their bottle, while simultaneously falling asleep. Even though he was completely exhausted, he had never felt more happier. More at peace with where his life was at.

As long as he kept trying his best, he knows he can do this for the rest of his life.

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[the-secret-life-of-bi]

Oh man. Oh man oh man. Okay. I don't know if any of you listen to twenty-øne pilots, but there's some real drama happening on Twitter with front man Tyler Joseph that I feel the need/desire to speak up about.

I saw these tweets first:

[ID: two tweets from Tyler Joseph, @tylerrjoseph. The first states, "my tweet wasn't suppose to be about human rights. so in case you are wondering where i stand: Black Lives Matter. i just wanted to take a moment to raise awareness about something else that had meant a lot to me for a long time. but now I see there is no room for that right now." The second tweet, a reply to the first, states, "im truly sorry if i hurt anyone. here is a link to a lot of great info that i stand by." The thumbnail of the link is titled "Ways You Can Help" and lists several kinds of resources to help the Black Lives Matter movement. End ID.]

Of course I was like, "...okay, wtf is happening?" So I scrolled through his Twitter feed and found an essay about mental health awareness week and suicide prevention--all things he's been a vocal supporter of since I started listening. I figured, okay. Some people are upset he's talking about this issue and not BLM. Understandable to some degree, I guess, since it's so easy to just...say you support BLM, and maybe retweet a link about ways to help (which he eventually did), but no one necessarily deserves that from him. He's welcome to support whatever causes that he wants, and equally welcome not to mention others. And as his fans, you're welcome to be disappointed about that, but I was still confused. Why all the hate? That seems like a severe overreaction, no?

But then I saw it. The first tweet that people are actually upset about:

[ID: a tweet from Tyler Joseph, @tylerrjoseph. It states, "you guys keep asking me to use my platforms. feels good to dust these bad boys off." Below the text are two images of Tyler wearing white platform sneakers. End ID.]

OH. MY GOD.

How fucking tone deaf can someone possibly be? It is one thing to comment on the issue of mental illness in the same supportive way he always has, and also to not discuss Black Lives Matter for whatever reason. I would support him if that's what this was, I really and truly would! Do I feel that someone with such a massive platform should do the bare minimum to show support on such an important issue? Yes, but I also don't feel like it's my right to demand that of him. However, it is an entirely different situation to openly mock his fan base for asking him to speak out on an issue that is causing so much turmoil worldwide, and especially within his own country. Saying nothing at all, or even saying 'no' to calls for his support and claiming personal reasons, would have been better than this piss-poor attempt at a joke. And worse: he doubled down! Literally, in his own words. Before his apology that I provided at the beginning of this post, he tweeted this:

[ID: a tweet from Tyler Joseph, @tylerrjoseph. It states, "this isn't a notes app moment. i'm doubling down on my platform tweet. it was fantastic." End ID.]

Yes, Mr. Joseph. It was fantastic. As in, it must come from a fantasy, because I cannot believe this really just happened in the year of our lord 2020.

So, I don't know if he'll ever see this, but I think it needs to be said. And I feel the need to say it.

A brief and open letter to Tyler Joseph:

I do not even know where to begin with this, so instead of some fluffy, dramatic opener about my feelings, I'll just be blunt. The reason people reacted poorly to your tweets was not because "there is no room for [other issues] right now." It is because your original tweet was crass. It mocks people who are hurting, who just want some validation from people who have a larger platform which they've used to speak about important issues before. You didn't necessarily owe them your validation, but they didn't deserve such blatant disrespect for their feelings. Now they have to think twice, if you really do care about them the way you claim you do.

And to be honest, that's why I've always respected you--you really seemed to care about your fans. You reached out through your lyrics to people who were hurting, myself included. You've been vocal about mental health as long as I've followed you. As someone who has struggled with suicidal depression for over a decade now, I've always admired the way you've discussed mental illness in your music. I have found comfort in so many of your songs. So I cannot even begin to fathom how you thought that the original tweet was funny or harmless in any way. It was hurtful, plain and simple, and it seems like it was intended that way. I have lost a lot of respect for you today, and that makes me sad, and mad.

I'm not mad that you want to spread awareness about mental illness--many of us have always appreciated that about you. I feel that very few people are actually mad about that. What I'm livid and a little heartbroken about is that you felt the need to make a 'joke' at the expense of some of your fans in the process. If you can't see how callously uncalled for that first tweet was, I can't help you. Just know I'm very sad today, because you've proven not to be the kind of person I thought you were. I hope to see better from you in the future.