#Like at least when I lived in TX I got it

[evanbuckleysarms]

Look. I really like my new job SOOOO much more than my old job. Its a non-toxic environment, I have sooo much autonomy, and I am making more money.

But damn do I miss working somewhere that actually took my dietary restrictions into account

[echoes-in-echoclan]

So... who looked directly at the eclipse?

Forever's gonna start toniiightttt forever's gonna start toniiiight

[seeminglydark]

good news! i finally got a job after being unemployed for a few years. it’ll be at least a year or two before i’m able to move out due to trying to pay off my credit card debt but i’m excited that i’ll be able to leave town and get away from unsupportive family. i’m trying to spend as little money as possible on entertainment stuff and i have a massive book collection that i’m excited to read and sell some of it i don’t feel like i need them anymore. you’re comics have been very helpful for me to be able to understand and express myself. it has given me a lot of joy since finding it especially after the loss of my cat a month ago.

any tips for a queer punk trying to escape and start over with no support system?

happy pride month! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

ANON! I'm so proud of you, thats incredible! i am wishing you all the best on your journey forward and out. it sounds to me like you already have a good handle on things, paying down your debt is a great place to start. depending on how much debt you have, (most of my advice is US based I'm afraid, since thats where i grew up as a poor lonely punk so hopefully it can help you, or someone else) you may be able to find a financial counselor or coach, (not adviser!) to help you get rid of some of it immediately. there are ways to 'challenge' things on your credit that have been there for a while, and many times the creditors will either drop it cuz they dont want to deal with paperwork, or reduce it to a much smaller payable sum because to them something is better than nothing. a lot of cities has free nonprofit programs to help with this, and other non profit organizations offer them as well depending on your community. This will also help improve and build your credit score cuz even a punk might need to buy a home or rent an apartment one day.

i know there is an allure to big name cities when you move, i lived in one myself while poor as dirt and it kinda sucked (Austin tx specifically) because it was so expensive. look into where you want to go before moving there, look at cost of living, and public transit, things like that. it looks like youre waiting a while before going, look into job transfers so you might not have to start completely fresh from the bottom.

thrift stores are great but they are getting more expensive by the year, but when youre a poor guy in a new place, dumpster diving might be an option. please dont ever get a mattress from a dumpster ok? bedbugs are a thing and often why those are thrown out, but other things like tables, chairs, shelves etc. check your local papers and neighborhood boards, sometimes hotels and such renovate and when they do they auction furniture off dirt cheap. Thanks Mr Marriott for furnishing my house for like 40 bucks in 2005!

When you move out, if you are still struggling financially, you can look into fixed rent apartments, you usually have to get on a list, but there are places out there to help you get on your feet. a REALLY good resource for many things if going to be your local library. librarians are like gods and they know SO MUCH that can help you.

speaking of libraries. you do deserve a little joy, i would think about perhaps getting a electronic reader, did you know that you can rent books and audio books from libraries with one? plus it reduces the bulk of books you may have to move later. i know the vibe is different from getting to touch the pages, but the pleasure of reading is still there. The library is also going to be a great place to meet people and find a circle of support and new friends. many of them have clubs and community activities ranging from book clubs to everything in between, you can even suggest a club yourself that they might consider hosting. don't deprive yourself of happiness, itll be helpful on the days when it gets hard to move forward.

its been a hot minute since i was alone and starting over, and things have changed a lot so im not completely sure all of this is still relevant, library is ALWAYS a good place to start. if my followers have any advice, please feel free to chime in the comments as well! im so proud of you anon, and keep us updated as life goes on. <3

[kosher-martian]

MiDdLe ClAsS

Apologies for the US politics post. I saw this picture on Reddit and it really got my goat.

If the thing from CBS News is true (and not sensationalist muckraking), is "middle class" even a meaningful term anymore? Because it sure seems like it has lost all meaning.

What does the media and our politicians even mean by "middle class" these days?

Homeownership is the primary vehicle for building generational wealth (at least in the US). So in the minds of congress and our commentariat, does a middle class person live here?

Or does a middle class person live here?

We often use job titles as a shorthand for understanding someone's class. What is a middle class job?

A doctor? A teacher? An engineer? A forklift operator?

I would ask some questions about pay/rent/mortgage, but that varies widely due to cost of living. A $1200/month apartment in Houston TX is waaaaay different than a $1200/month apartment in Los Angeles California.

"Middle class" is a meaningless term when it applies to such a broad swath of people living in very different conditions.

On the one hand, there often feels like there is a meaningful class distinction between your local boat salesman / doctor / lawyer and the cashier at the grocery store. The doctor goes home to a nice house in a gated community and the cashier goes home to an apartment or a rent house with some housemates. On the other hand, there is a massive difference between venture capitalist bros and the previously mentioned jobs. The VC bros control the means of production and the others does not. If anything, the salesmen and doctors and engineers (the merchant class) have more in common with the forklift operators and teachers and cashiers (the working class) than they would ever have with the elites.

The reality is that there are a handful of rich and ultra rich people who get a much larger say in the way this economy operates than the rest of us. The merchant class can try to make a cushy life for themselves where they aren't treading water like the working class, but it's not like they will ever be elites. They can soothe themselves with nicer cars and nicer houses and country club memberships all they like, but they will never gain control over the levers of power. It's often the case that they will align with the elites anyway. They love being their useful idiots. They can get into politics and become the operators of those levers, but they will never get to make the final decision on which way the levers go. That's for their paymasters to decide.

Does it really make sense to keep using the term "middle class" when there is such a perceived disparity between the merchants and the workers? The merchant class doesn't want to think of themselves as "working class" (unless they are in politics and want to appear "folksy"). And even though I know intellectually that my doctor is closer to my material condition than Elon Musk, that doesn't translate to any operating sense of class solidarity with my doctor.

At what point should we just abandon the term "middle class" altogether? I genuinely think that, if anything, the term is being overused to try to combine people who are in the merchant class with people who are working class... NOT because the elites necessarily want the merchant class to identify with the working class (they know in most cases the merchant class won't identify with the working class and vice versa), but to obfuscate the reality of class identity itself in the US.

By making the working class feel "equal" to the merchant class by way of this overprescribed class moniker, the workers will feel as though they are just (to paraphrase Steinbeck) the temporarily embarrassed middle class. I'm sure that's how my parents felt (and likely still feel). And of course the merchant class are the temporarily embarrassed rich. They'll make it out of the middle class any day now, don't you know? They have a membership to the same country club as [insert pharmaceutical executive]'s brother!

I think for the commentariat, "Middle class" has become a sort of shorthand for "homeowner" rather than any descriptor of a person's material conditions and relationship to the means of production. This explains why CBS News popped a monocle when they discovered that an increasing share of the "middle class" (read: house-poor working class) are utilizing programs they thought would only be used by "poor" people (read: rentoids).

[capnmarvell]

Can’t believe I was able to snap these photos 🥲 Arlington TX, 4/1 (Night #2 aka the night of THREE Death By A Thousand Cuts bridges)

I’ve been a fan of Taylor’s since 2007. She has the same first name as me, and for a long time I hated how common it was. Every year there were at least 1 or 2 other Taylor’s in my class. And I was never the Taylor people called out to. I felt totally invisible.

Then one day driving home from school I turned on the radio and heard the first chorus of Teardrops on My Guitar and fell in love. “Who is this?” I thought. I’d never heard this singer. Once the song was over the deejay said it was Taylor Swift, a new artist who’s album just came out a few months prior. That was it for me.

I asked my dad to buy me her Debut CD, and played it on repeat on my little portable stereo in my room. Taylor helped me love my name again. She felt like the friend I didn’t have at that age. She was exactly what little 11 year old Taylor needed that day in 2007.

For years I dreamed of seeing her live. My family could never afford concert tickets, and to be fair my parents also had no idea when she was touring and how to even go about buying concert tickets, and I was never really on the internet until I was about 16 so I didn’t even know when she was touring either. We were all horribly internet-challenged 😅. I even remember when I’d learned she had a concert after the fact, because girls from my school would come in the following school day showing off their merch and talking all about it and just being devastated I missed it. Then when I actually did know she was touring, it was just something we either could never afford, and had no way of getting to said concert 🥲.

And despite never being able to afford merch or attend concerts, I’d still always get the CDs and spend hours just getting lost in the stories Taylor told through her songs. I’ve grown with her these last 16 years. We’ve both been through loss, love, and heartbreak. I don’t think i’ll ever stop listening to her.

I lost “The Great War” for presale tickets to the Eras Tour, and chalked it all up to being another concert I can’t attend. But seeing as how big Taylor has gotten and will continue to get, I decided it’s probably now or never. So, I’m sorry, but I did buy a scalper ticket. I didn’t get any boosts for the presale, and wasn’t picked for any of the second chance sales and what have you, so unfortunately scalpers were my only choice. I don’t regret it, though, because it put me the closest I’ll ever be to Taylor in my lifetime. She put on an amazingly incredible show, one I will never, ever forget.

I got to scream the bridges of “Cruel Summer,” “Champagne Problems,” “Death By A Thousand Cuts,” and “Betty.” I cried while she sang “Marjorie,” the song I can’t listen to without thinking of the loss of my mom. And best of all I got to laugh and smile along with my favorite artist of all time, live and in person 10 ft in front of me for 3 solid hours.

I love you Taylor 💕✨

Signed, the-girl-who-loves-her-name-now Taylor

[sunnydaysunshine]

Ok.

CAN WE PLEASE WELCOME, THE ORIGINAL SUNSHINE/SUNSPOT/SUNBEAM, ETC ETC in my headcanon (yeeeah I got sucked in lol)!!

This is Margarette Phelps from the first story of my series I got goin on, https://archiveofourown.org/works/45572281/chapters/114671419 (for those who wanna check it out).

Margarette Phelps (affectionately known as Marge, Mar-Mar, Sunshine, Sunspot, etc) was born May 17, 1958. A simple girl. Very boring when described by others. She cannot sing, she cannot dance (at least not sober lol), she cannot draw or write. She was born in New Orleans, LA, but moved to El Paso, TX in order to persue a healthy career in nursing (her status is currently RN). She works at the St. Mercy Hospital there, where she constantly puts up with childish teasing, ridicule, and be-litting due to her gender, race, and social life outside of work. Margarette has no friends, as she usually spends her time trying to rest when she is off the clock. Though, she suffers with night terrors that leaves her an even littler window to get proper rest.

She was always a simple woman with simple tastes, until she met the man of her life: Joseph Harbadae (secretly Joseph Cullman). 

Ever since then, her life has changed for the better.

She seemed happier. A lot more livelier. She had the hottest man on her arm that every mother of america and woman wanted. And he loves her just the same. Flaws and all. To Joseph, Margarette was never boring, dull, or simple. She lights up his world, she makes him believe that there are good people on this earth. He kind of feels guilty that he was blessed with such a wonderful woman like her. He doesn’t deserve her. But he has her. And he’s none the more happier. That is, until his role as playing the lead character “Sunny Day Jack” starts to get in the way. Those with a greed for money and power finding the littlest things of why Margarette isn’t good for him. He doesn’t care though. And neither does she.

Margarette is a sweet, kind, and caring soul. She’s very family oriented, loves driving, loves sunflowers (though, not the color). She loves fashion, though she tries to keep it simple while wearing colors that brings out her naturally dark skin. Like any other woman, she can be insecure at times. Even more insecure that in the eyes of society at the time, she is seen as undesirable. She always tries to stay positive. Never in her life has she gotten into any sort of major trouble. She was always the good girl. Which makes it a wonder why she would fall for a former bad boy like Joseph.

Again, if you want to find out more, go read my fic Living on A03. Its not quite done yet, but it is entering its final stages.

[fuckedprophet]

🍍🍅🥭

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero?  did they move away,  or do they wish to?

 He's  from  copperwood,  tx. Its  a  small  middle  of  no  where  rural  town  that  sits  off  hwy  87  at  the  very  bottom  of  tx. It  aint  got  nothing  more  than  four  gas  stations,  two  fast  food  chain  joints,  five  churches,  and  maybe  a  max  population  of  5,501  residents. It  aint  much  of  nothing  sitting  on  the  very  edge  of  a  swamp  and  woods;  and  its  where  hell  came  to  exist  in  the  run  down  craftsman  the  mcmeen  family  rented  thanks  to  the  church. Dallas'  hometown  doesn't  mean  much  to  him,  not  really. There  are  about  a  handful  or  two  of  folks  he'd  think  kindly  of  and  the  rest  he'd  watch  drown  if  the  tide  rose  too  high. They  turned  a  blind  eye  a  lot  of  them  did  to  what  his  father  did  to  him;  and  the  very  night  he  killed  his  father  a  couple  of  them  even  accused  him  of  staging  the  whole  thing. They  wanted  him  to  be  the  monster,  not  their  pastor  they  let  chaperon  their  kids  church  camp  bus  rides. 

He  isn't  considered  a  homeown  hero,  if  anything  he's  considered  an  unfortunate  soul  that  survived  and  now  has  to  bear  the  burden  of  what  his  father  did. He  at  least  isn't  alone  --  his  grandmother  picked  him  up  when  he  turned  16  and  he  moved  his  ass  out  of  copperwood,  tx  and  now  lives  in  cold  river,  ma. Its  better,  not  too  many  bible  thumpers  up  there  to  demand  he  show  respect  to  his  dead  beat  shit  father. 

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?  

 Not  very. We'll  be  110%  honest  here,  he  is  not  mentally  stable  or  sound. He's  been  through  too  much  and  his  doctors  explained  that  to  him  when  he  was  being  watched. He'd  come  to  them  point  blank  and  asked  them  what  exactly  they  were  looking  for,  and  they'd  explained  to  them  after  he  delicately  said  '  i  don't  want  bullshit  answers. I  don't  want  sugar  coated. What  are  you  looking  for  in  me?  '  they  were  trying  to  see  if  he  showed  symptoms  like  his  father,  if  he  bordered  on  possibly  picking  up  where  his  dad  left  off. I  mean  after  all  this  was  a  15  year  old  boy  who  brutally  bashed  his  father's  (40)  head  in  with  a  book  end  out  of  his  sisters  bed  room. They  were  a  tad  concerned. 

He  was  diagnosed  with  ptsd,  depression,  anxiety,  and  a  few  other  things  depersonalization  disorder  as  well  as  dissociative  amnesia. The  amnesia  cleared  up  after  a  couple  of  weeks,  but  he  was  still  being  watched  for  it  there  after  in  case  something  triggered  him. He  had  several  therapist  from  the  age  of  16-18  before  one  finally  stuck. Eleven  years  he's  been  seeing  the  same  man  and  regards  him  highly,  they  are  in  each  others  emergency  contacts  believe ��it  or  not. He  takes  therapy  rather  seriously  and  because  of  it  he  has  gotten  better  with  expressing  his  emotions,  it  was  his  therapist  that  encouraged  him  to  write  songs  and  follow  his  dream  of  being  a  guitarist.   

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body?  how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them?  

Now?  very. Before  dallas  struggled  a  lot  with  self  image,  especially  after  he  healed  and  saw  his  scars. He  went  through  his  teen  years  thinking  he  was  rather  ugly  due  to  the  damage  his  father  had  done  to  him. It  was  a  struggle  a  lot  growing  up  and  he  got  to  the  point  where  he  didn't  want  to  be  shirtless,  he  didn't  wear  short  sleeves  or  anything  that  showed  his  arms. He  was  skinnier  back  then,  lanky  and  tall  and  while  he  is  genetically  dispositioned  to  be  muscular  and  larger  with  his  mental  issues  he  wasn't  taking  the  best  care  of  himself.

Now  as  an  adult  he  is  very  confident  in  how  he  looks,  he  has  worked  endlessly  to  cultivate  the  appearance  he  wants  and  has  succeeded. He  has  tattoos  all  over  covering  his  scars  so  they  are  visible  and  he  feels  more  himself  wearing  short  sleeves  and  sleeveless  shirts. While  he  hates  lifting  he  does  put  it  into  a  regimen  to  do  so  just  so  he  is  able  to  use  his  upper  body  strength. He  runs  and  walks  a  lot,  he  swims  a  lot  too  now  --  focusing  on  things  that  put  him  at  a  higher  level  of  endurance  rather  than  brute  strength. (  not  to  mention  that  when  he  does  get  tapped  into  his  corrupt  blood  and  nephilim  blood  he  does  inherit  a  extreme  amount  of  strength  )

He  is  grateful  to  his  height,  he  enjoys  being  tall  --  he  cant  imagine  not  being  able  to  see  over  peoples  heads  and  the  thought  makes  him  anxious  and  just  he  doesn't  like  the  idea. His  weight  doesn't  bother  him,  when  his  hit  around  twenty  two  and  started  taking  care  of  himself  he  bulked  up  and  gained  weight. He  looked  at  it  as  the  heavier  you  are  the  harder  it  is  to  get  you  off  your  feet  or  knock  you  over,  he  was  right. Now  he  is  very  content  with  his  body  type;  he  doesn't  dislike  how  he's  shaped  or  how  anything  on  him  looks. He  is  even  proud  of  how  he  looks  now. 

 Not  obsessed. Lets  put  it  that  way,  he  knows  how  to  dress  now,  he  knows  how  to  appear  to  others  --  he's  gotten  very  good  at  dressing  himself  according  to  who  he  is  surrounded  by. He  isn't  the  most  stylish  but  he  isn't  hopeless  and  while  he  doesn't  always  fix  his  hair;  he  knows  being  attractive  will  get  you  farther. He  has  learned  people  help  pretty  people  and  if  he  can  be  pretty;  he  tries  his  best. 

[javireyes]

ABOUT:

Name: Javier Reyes

Nickname(s): Javi

Age: 40

Hometown: outside of Houston, TX

Family: Logan Rivera (sister), 2 younger sisters

BIO: (under read more)

(TW: abuse, injury)

Javier Reyes had a rough start to his life, which should have been his first clue about how the rest of his life would go. He was born to Valentina and Mateo Reyes, though he didn’t live with them long as they didn’t want anything to do with him. They were about to put him up for adoption into the system but his aunt and uncle offered to bring him into the family as they didn’t have any children of their own just yet. He had lived with his aunt and uncle since the day he was released from the hospital as a baby and not a word was spoken about the fact that he was adopted until he was older. As far as he was concerned, Valentina and Mateo were his aunt and uncle and not his birth parents until he was around 6 years old when he was told about how he was adopted and who his birth parents were. You would think it would be to just tell him, but it was more to hold it over his head, like how he should be grateful to them for taking him in. They out him into rodeo events that he could do and got him going into the entire sport, making it known that they expected him to be in the rodeo and do well in it. He hated every moment of it and he hated the mere thought that the animals he was interacting with didn’t have a choice in what they were doing, at least when it came to the bull riding. 

The abuse started when he was young, but it didn’t get physical until he was about 6, when he started actually competing in rodeo events with other kids his age. Javier would either try to refuse to participate or he wouldn’t perform well and that’s when the hitting started. It’s also when the hours and hours of practice was forced upon him and when he would complain about being hungry or wanting to go home, he would suffer under the hand of his father, told to ‘man up’ and continue, which he did. When he was 8, his first sister was born, the first biological child of his parents and he loved her already. He vowed on the day she was born that he would do anything he could do to protect her from being hurt, the same when his other sisters were eventually born. He would step in every time to take the physical brunt of their parents. They grew older and he continued to shield his sisters from the abuse, continued to make his name in bull riding and he never told a soul of his parents. He would win every even but nothing was good enough and they would constantly remind him that he should be grateful they took him in and gave him what they called a “loving” home. He wanted to run away so many times in his youth but never did as to protect his sisters in the only way that he knew how, without their knowledge.

On the day that Javier turned 18, he was greeted with his stuff by the door, not a single happy birthday, at least not from his parents, and he was told to leave. He didn’t even get to say goodbye to his sisters, which probably hurt the most. He stayed away though, scared that any attempt at talking to them would only result in them getting hurt. Without anywhere else to go, Javier decided to join the army, and he left to boot camp almost immediatly. He tried his best to keep tabs on his sisters, but it was hard to do while he was so far away. He was finally able to get an address to send Logan letters from where he was and he would send a new letter every week whether it was from a base in the US, or from a base in a different country, which is where he spent a lot of time, most of his time in the service actually. He did write a letter explaining everything their parents had done to him but he didn’t send it, nervous for some reason to have Logan read the letter.

Javier was in the military from the age of 18 till now, 40. He has just recently been medically and honorablly discharged after he and his team had hit an IED and he was left injured, though alive. He was one of the lucky ones to survive. He spent some time in the hospital and though he walks with a slight limp now, he is okay and tries his best to hide the injury. He doesn’t know exactly what he is going to do now that he doesn’t have the army to fall back on and nowhere to really go, which is how he found himself in Salt Flats, Texas. It’s where his younger sister lived now and she was all he really had.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2021 Delay #1 is going to be that my schedule is all wrong for contacting the realtor the second week of March, pigs gone yet or not. :(

The only dream I remember from last night was living alone in an apartment somewhere. It was on the second floor of at least 4. It was a simple square layout with the kitchen and bathroom on one side and living room and bedroom on the other.

It was a predominantly black neighborhood, and a riot broke out. I guess one of their thugs was killed. They were going around killing anything white and I was scared.

Some famous black woman was flown in to calm them down. She was someone they respected and listened to, but I was still huddled in my apartment terrified that they were going to break into the building, storm all the apartments, and kill me along with any other white resident.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2021 This is the kind of shit that REALLY pisses me off… Cali’s to spend 28M on immigrants. So many right here could use this money! Really, who spends that much money on my husband and I or others who have lived here and contributed to society all their lives that could really use some help? Now the overcrowding is going to get worse, the demand for doctors will increase, and the crime rate will go up as well. So glad to get out of this fucking state soon because while it may have a lot of good in it, this is where most foreigners, legal and not, go besides TX and AZ. Shouldn’t be as much of a problem in FL, though. Maybe that’s why it’s cheaper there. Argh, though! Just so tired of having to babysit outsiders when they can’t get along in their own damn countries!

Getting the biggest stimulus check yet and while that may be nice, it’s nothing compared to what the American people should have been getting all along. The rich truly have no concept of what it’s like for everyone else. So many people think that just because they can do or afford something, everyone else can too.

So Biden’s great so far…except for thinking we’re responsible for the rest of the world besides ourselves. It’s a shame we get less than 2K while immigrants get 28M. That’s just all wrong and backward to me.

Starting to wonder if I’m ever going to hear from Andy again. Maybe he changed his mind and felt it was best that we don’t communicate at all but if he did, he did. I’ll accept whatever he feels he needs to do. I thought of messaging him again because we haven’t talked since the 15th, but I think I’ll wait a little longer since it’s his turn.

Just hit some milestones. A couple of days ago marked one year since Tom has worked and he doesn’t miss it at all. He worked long and hard for many decades, so he’s entitled to a break! Still think he’ll probably work again at some point but hopefully only part-time for extras like going on cruises.

Tomorrow will be one year since my last period started. I really, really hope I’m not surprised with another one 3 months from now like last time!

Yesterday he got a text message saying they were giving COVID shots at the clubhouse on the 6th but when I called the office and asked, they confirmed it was only for those 65 and up.

Planes of all kinds are getting more annoying around here than ever. I can hear the commercial planes all day but they’re worst in the early mornings. I have the air cleaner on high and nature sounds blasting right by my ear yet I can still hear them rumbling overhead. Then all day long and into the night it’s nothing but small planes and helicopters galore in addition. It’s horrible here and I really worry that the virus and other things are going to delay the move.

Seriously, though…I go out for a walk, there’s a plane going overhead. I step out to dump the trash, there’s a plane going overhead. I go out to take in a package, there’s a plane going overhead. It’s ridiculous here!

Speaking of air cleaners, we cleaned the smaller ones in the bedrooms and damn were they filthy! We replaced them with filters that last a year.

The magnesium experiment is still inconclusive although I guess it’s a little hopeful at the same time. For a few hours yesterday, I began to feel a bit restless and my heart was racing a bit. I was getting slightly on edge when I took the magnesium. At first it didn’t seem to help with them I felt better so I’m still not sure what to think.

Even though I don’t remember what it was about, Doc A showed up in my dreams last night and it made me think of how Andy mentioned thought vibration and the way we were dreaming of each other at the same time. Could she have been checking to see who was scheduled for next week which made her think of me when she saw my name, and then caused her to transfer to my dreams?

The fucking termites showed up as well. Something about me accidentally downloading some shit they sent me a long time ago that I hoped they wouldn’t somehow know was now downloaded and that I only just discovered. Mostly pictures of the girls that Tammy sent, saying that they didn’t want anything to do with me, blah, blah, blah…

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2021 Margaret, the millionaire who sends me jokes regularly and funny memes, said she thought that by now the political shit would have died down but if anything it’s worse.

I don’t know if it’s worse but I’m definitely still waiting for the day the race talk to subside on just about every fucking site I go to. With a small exception, I think most non-whites have it great these days and sometimes I wonder if they realize just how good they have it in most places. They have more rights than whites, and not that we or anyone should want to have groups that exclude others, but if we had our white this or our white that, unlike them, we would automatically be called racists. Is that really fair? But they can still have their Inspiring Black Women section on the LMC and it’s perfectly okay, even though I personally find it offensive and insulting to whites, and come on, Whitney Houston? Pick a better “inspiration” than someone who OD’d themselves to death, and set a better example regardless of race or color!

That rant expressed and purged, yesterday was the first day I didn’t feel the slightest trace of anxiety. I didn’t even feel it bubbling up close to the surface so I didn’t take any magnesium. I’ll ask Doc A if I should take it every day regardless or only when I feel anxiety coming on.

We framed my mandala diamond painting earlier and now I’m doing a small one that comes with its own frame. Then I’ll do the dark-haired girl which will be the biggest one I’ve done.

Gave the pigs a bath earlier with the special shampoo and they sure as hell are easier to bathe than rats! Bathing rats is a nightmare because they always put up such a fight. The pigs didn’t mind at all. We still don’t think they really have any kind of fungus on their butts, but worst-case scenario, they’re here an extra few weeks and someone else will rehome them other than Petco.

We’re going to have an Express order delivered sometime today. Walmart gives you one free Express delivery a month.

Gotta change the filter in the bedroom air cleaner and go out for a walk later on and that’s pretty much it other than the usual.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2021 “Remember, there’s positive to negative,” Tom assured me, pointing out the positives when we discussed the very real possibility of not getting out of here as soon as we’d like.

Yesterday went from being a sad day to a frustrating and worrisome day. I have a feeling the guinea pigs aren’t getting out of here anytime soon and neither are we. Petco wouldn’t take them, saying they had fungus on their butts, something we were totally unaware of. I think the guy got the wrong idea when he saw I’d snipped some tangled fur on Rockefeller’s butt when I was giving him a bath, and the dumb cock automatically assumed he had skin issues. They’ve never appeared to be unhealthy. Blitz gets a touch of scurvy every now and then but that’s it. So dumb cock gives us addresses and numbers to a couple of shelters in Sacramento and I call just to get the automated-message runaround.

Then there’s the contradicting info. Petco said never to give them baths. Online it recommends weekly baths.

I’m afraid that not being able to get rid of the pigs yesterday was just the start of many delays to come. I swear it’s like the more I want to get out of a place, the longer I’m stuck in it! But I learned a long time ago that you just can’t fight fate, so if this is where I’m truly meant to be, there won’t be much I can do about it. Yet he assures me that if anything delays the move, we can get the sleep pod, remodel this place, get a lot more money for it, and therefore have many more options as to where we could go. Yeah, but I’m not going to spend year after year struggling to move either. That’s just fucking ridiculous. Life is about settling anyway so it’s not like we could just go anywhere we want. If we’re going to have that much trouble getting out of here we may as well just accept it and make the absolute best of this place as we possibly can and keep in mind that there are millions out there who would love to live here, noisy or not. He thinks things may be delayed by only about a month or less. I don’t know if we should bother at times, though. Yes, California is expensive but it’s one of the few states that help supplement people, especially when they’re older, even if you’re white and you’re from here. Not bad for a country whose growing increasingly uncaring of those who are white, Jewish, or gay.

I was excited by the thought of getting a dog in the future. I know some people prefer to keep them in crates overnight but I think thought as long as it was kept away from the bedroom when I was asleep, it would be fine roaming the rest of the house, but after all the frustration I’ve gone through with these fucking pigs I totally regret getting, I think I’m done with pets for good. I know it isn’t the pigs’ fault, but I’ve had enough of the hassles, the smells, and the expense they bring. Now they’re costing us even more money since we had to order more supplies for them.

He did fill out a form with the SPCA and they will try to get any unhealthy animals they can healthy enough for adoption. Only the animals that are really bad off get put down. However, thanks to COVID-19, which I fear may be one of many things to hold back the move, there can be a 2-4-week delay in setting up an appointment to surrender them. You can’t just walk in whenever you want to surrender or adopt. Well, we were supposed to put the house on the market around the second week of March, so partly thanks to them, that’s not likely to happen.

I also emailed a couple of places but I don’t expect to hear back from them.

Why can’t we ever just do something? Why is it that we can’t decide to do a particular thing and then simply up and do it? Why do there always have to be problems, setbacks, and delays? Really makes me feel like giving up and just saying, “fuck it.” Let’s just keep the pigs for the rest of their lives and stay here for the rest of ours even though I hate the noise and the winter. Besides, we could have gone to a warmer place but not necessarily a quiet place. We’ve got good neighbors for now and have doctors I’m used to, are younger than me, and that I should be able to see for many years to come unless they move. So yeah, I don’t know if I want to move anymore. I mean I would have loved to live in a tropical climate and a place that was at least a little quieter and a lot cheaper but is it really worth all the hassle to get there just to find that it’s not all I hoped it to be?

As I said, I’m not going to fight tooth and nail to try to get out of here. But delays are a very real possibility. We can’t leave without being vaccinated either. Also, just like this is a hot spot for skunks, it’s also one for termites, and I don’t mean the kind disguised as humans that live in Florida. This place has had them before as have many places around here, and you can’t just spray them away. The house needs to be tented. So those are just two of many obstacles no doubt waiting to keep us trapped here.

So we may as well just plan to remodel the place for us. Also, I’ve been wanting a sleep pod for ages now. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds to move. I know we’re not the only ones who have gone through this even though I feel like it at times. But yeah, I get that people can’t just up and move long distance unless they have a job lined up for them, have a lot of money, or they’re retired. Retired with sufficient funds, of course. Then there’s also the fact that manufactured homes don’t have the value of regular homes. But a new or upgraded manufactured home in Cali can be worth more than a standard home in a cheap state.

If we remain low income as we should be for most of this year, Cali will replace the windows for next to nothing. Plus, we’d be eligible for all kinds of rebates and discounts on other upgrades as well.

I do like how you have to have insurance in this state and that it has Death with Dignity. Yes, foreigners and non-whites will always come first and foremost here but the rest of us do still get some benefits, too.

sighs I don’t know what to do at this point but he wants to carry on with our plans even if there are some delays. Yeah, I guess that’s all we can do. He’s positive we won’t be stuck with the pigs forever and that someone will eventually take them. Then I just have to hope we get vaccinated by the end of March as they’re talking about now, and that there’s nothing wrong with the house when they do their inspection. Also, we can get a place that although not perfect, is at least somewhat preferable to this.

Made a video appointment for next week with Dr. A, although I may be onto something with the magnesium. I’m not sure yet and I still don’t want to jump the gun and get all excited but yesterday was the third time I felt on edge, took the magnesium, and felt better. So I have more coming with this morning’s Walmart delivery. Unfortunately, they’re orange-flavored, but I prefer gummies to pills. These are huge capsules that are hard to swallow but he has no problem with them and he can have the few that are left over in the bottle for when he gets leg cramps.

Am I having imaginary PMS today or is it just because I’m tired that I’m so hungry today? I’ve been up for about 8 hours, had about a thousand 1000 calories of food and I’m still hungry.

Slept shitty last night, waking up a million times along the way, so I’m tired today. Of course I had to have dreams of poverty and moving delays and all that.

What was weird was the dream I had through the eyes of a gay man who was eventually murdered by his lover and featured in a crime documentary. I didn’t see the actual murder but just his last moments. It was weird dreaming through the eyes of someone else. Pretty sure there’s a show about a woman who saw real-life murders in her dreams and assisted the police or something like that.

I only saw this part where the guy was arguing with his much tougher boyfriend. Then the weaker guy pulled some plant out of a large vase and transferred it to a small vase and said, “You can have everything else. Everything.”

Then the weaker guy was visiting some people (not sure if he snuck out of his house) who were discussing calling the police on some woman that they believed was intimately involved with her son. The other person argued against it because the son was over 18.

Then it was nighttime and the gay guy was back home and in bed. The room was pitch black and as he lay there on his side, he could just barely make out the bedroom door slowly being pushed open by his lover, and that’s when the dream ended and also where I assume he was soon killed. I believe it was by strangulation. Makes me wonder if it was just a dream or if I was really seeing the final moments of a murder victim. If so, was it in another dimension?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2021 Silence really does speak a thousand words. I asked Aly if there was anything else going on, not that I was trying to pry and not that she had to tell me anything she didn’t want to, and she said nothing other than that her latest blood test revealed too much bile in her liver which was causing acid reflux. I’ve been sensing something else is amiss but if there is, she isn’t sharing it. At least not with me.

His back has been horrible. He thought it was the air mattress but it turns out that’s not it. He has an appointment on May 24th and will bump it up if he has to. It sucks to see him in such pain regardless, but even more so when we still have a lot of prep work to do.

Yesterday we noticed Bob & Virginia’s SUV parked in the carport. We’re pretty sure they gave it to one of their kids. Well, I met another one of their sons yesterday as he was heading into the garage. I started to seriously doubt she was on vacation or staying with someone and that something was up when I thought to myself, she’s supposedly back but is leaving the garage light on that she almost never leaves on? That’s when I learned that she fell and broke her hip. A very common occurrence with older people. She had surgery and now she’s in rehab and will be home in a couple of weeks. I let Mrs. Twenties know.

I don’t know for sure if the magnesium is helping. It’s too soon to really say for sure. I’ve never taken it when the anxiety has been bad, and that would be the real test. I only took it when I was borderline anxious and it could have been a coincidence that I felt better afterward in that it might have fizzled out anyway. Doc A thinks it’s just stress over the upcoming changes in my life and wants to do a video appointment with me, so I’ll have to bring up the schedule program and set something up after we return from Petco.

Yes, we’re taking the pigs back to Petco later in the morning. I wonder if they’ll remember the place. Got mixed emotions about surrendering them. For the most part, I’ll be glad to be rid of them. For some reason, having pigs this time around just wasn’t what I remembered it to be. I felt like it was more work, hassle, money, mess, and smell than anything else. I’ll miss Rockefeller’s chatter, though.

So glad we’re having more temps in the 70s even if it will be anything but peaceful. They started cutting a tree in back of next door as I began unwinding with my audiobook but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Sometimes I just get so damn cold. My temperature drops about a degree when this happens. I’ve seen it as low as 96.6. I’m usually 97.

2.5 million have died from the virus that we know of. Really hope we’re getting closer to a successful vaccination with no side effects and that actually works. I’ll ask Doc A about that when I chat with her.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2021 Something up there is either bound and determined to tease me or I am finally onto something when it comes to killing my anxiety. I’ve tried magnesium in the past but I’m pretty sure I only took one capsule. Remembering that there was still some in the house that Tom takes when he gets leg cramps, I found they don’t expire until June. So this time I took two when I felt a little on edge. For the rest of the day onward, I felt great! Coincidence? I guess I’ll find out when I get anxious again, but yeah, it could be. Many things seem to work at first and then they don’t.

I was reading that women entering the phase I’m entering notice skin wrinkling. I’ve definitely been noticing it in my hands! That’s the least of my concerns, though. I just want to kill my anxiety for good for once and for all or at least be able to go a lot longer between spells.

I’ve had mild pain in my left knee and a strange ache in the very lower left side of my stomach but the stomach seems to have passed. I think they’re both just pulled muscles. Yoga isn’t easy on a fatty.

We finished sorting the three large junk drawers in the kitchen and only have stuff in one of the drawers that we may or may not take with us. Later this morning, he’s going to pull up the rest of the tiles in the laundry room plus call Petco.

If my eyes can sting with such happy tears as we slowly take apart this place and pack things up bit by bit, I can imagine how emotional I’ll be when we finally get out of here! I’ve done more suffering in this place than in all the places I’ve lived in before combined. We had great money but it seems like the highlights of this place for us were him working his ass off and my suffering. Really, all he did was work while I suffered and had more appointments than ever.

Carolyn doesn’t know where Virginia is, she told me after I asked her.

The diamond painting with the dark-haired girl arrived today but I’m not quite done with the mandalas yet. Should finish that today or tomorrow. Meanwhile, it worked out well because the girl is larger and I’m straightening out the folds in the canvas by placing some heavy books on top of it.

I’ll definitely be stocked up on diamond paintings for a while because the girl is going to take close to a month to do and then I also got one of those small 6x6 paintings that comes with a white frame. This one has a pair of owls and even though I’m still not big on owls, I do love the colors and the transparent diamonds.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2021 So we did keep the guinea pig papers after all. It turns out that Tom had them stashed somewhere in his closet. They say that Petco will gladly take back any pet that’s in good health regardless of age and find them good homes. I remember them saying this; I just didn’t think I kept the papers. So glad he had them!

So it will be a sad day but it’s still good news because we would rather not give them to a shelter that may end up killing them. This way we know that whoever gets them truly wants them and will almost certainly take good care of them as opposed to someone they’re forced on. I don’t know if Petco is going to charge a fee for them, but a shelter would have for sure, along with cavy rescue groups.

I filled the kitchen sink with an inch or two of lukewarm soapy water and put Rockefeller in it to give him a butt bath. It turns out it wasn’t just that he was dirty, but he also had some unusually long hairs that were knotted so I snipped them off. a little unusual for an American guinea pig. I also did his nails but strangely enough, Blitz doesn’t need his nails trimmed so I’m guessing he bites them off. Rockefeller didn’t mind the bath. A little nervous squealing as I carried him over to the sink but then he did his happy talk when I dried him off. It’s when I trimmed his nails that he got squirmy.

Did some more organizing, sorting, and packing. We decided we’re going to go with two U-Haul pods because we don’t want to play the game of Cram It and hope to hell everything fits. It’s one thing to run out of space for things you don’t really need or want but it’s another when it comes to things you do. Our stuff will be stored here in Citrus Heights and then once we know exactly where we’re going to be settling, we’ll have it shipped to us there.

We decided we would book a couple of months at a vacation rental although we don’t yet know exactly where. That way we can go straight there and then we’ll have two months to find a place. We may have to spend a few nights in a motel here in between closing and all that. The rental will likely be a manufactured home in an adult community. They’re cheaper during the summer because the snowbirds aren’t there at that time.

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had since this bad anxiety spell began over 3 weeks ago. I did read an encouraging article when searching for reports of how often anxiety dissipates when entering the postmenopausal phase as I’m hopefully about to do. Not only is that the second most common symptom next to hot flashes, but I found it interesting when one person talked about “morning” anxiety and how it would come out of nowhere even when their lives were going well, and they had no reason to be anxious. Sure, I’m nervous about the move and a bit overwhelmed because I know many things could go wrong but I still shouldn’t be feeling the way I’ve been feeling just because we’re moving. I’ve moved before and I know Tom will say that I get this way every time we have a big event coming up but the feelings are just manifesting themselves differently this time, and maybe part of that is true, but I’m definitely more excited than anything else. I still say the anxiety is connected to something physiological and I’m not so sure how much of it is on the medication at this point. I just really hope to hell this isn’t a life sentence, whatever it is!

It was pretty interesting how one person mentioned it coming on at the same time even though I don’t know if they had my exact same symptoms. That could explain why mine has been toward the end of my day. I was barely borderline for about 90 minutes toward the end of my day yesterday. It was still a good day overall and I took my meds when I got up. Just not sure when and if I want to restart the statins.

Anyway, they say that yes, anxiety can go away after menopause but if you had anxiety during menopause, you may really have to take better care of your nervous system afterward. They recommend things like magnesium and Vitamin D. Magnesium didn’t help me much and I don’t know if Vitamin D is going to make much difference either, but we’ll see. I should hear from my doctor at some point today, too.

I had many detailed dreams but unfortunately, I don’t remember all of them, particularly ones that pertained to moving. Instead, I was about to turn 48 and was single and living in my own apartment somewhere. Every time I would return from going out somewhere, some guy would call me. At first I wrote it off as a prank, assuming it was some lonely, bored jackass that lived nearby and could see when I would come and go. But then I realized he knew my name and would call no matter what door I entered. This was when it hit me that if he was someone who lived nearby, he couldn’t see both front and back doors from one place any more than someone within the building could.

So on his next call, I was a little bit pissed and a whole lot curious and demanded that he show himself and come to my door. His reply was some senseless thing about having to protect those he loved.

I don’t know if this was part of the same dream or not, but in another scene, the apartment had a mural along the living room wall with a few people’s faces. I wrote some less-than-kind comments about them but I’m not sure what they were. I definitely felt guilty enough about it to call the management office and tell them I just noticed the writing.

“I thought you wrote this,” one of the guys said that used this long stick-like thing to remove the writing, but I lied and denied having anything to do with it.

In order to use the cleaning thing, they had to use a special plug my keyboard was plugged into. After they left, I accidentally discovered that they plugged in their own keyboard instead of mine and had taken mine with them. Out of curiosity, I used some of the hotkeys in a document to see what information may come up. One of the things was a random string of letters and numbers that could have been a password for something.

So I went to call the office to tell them about the accidental switch when I realized I couldn’t call them because their number was programmed into my keyboard and apparently, I had no other way to retrieve it.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2021 At the end of my day yesterday I was so damn cold that I ended up taking my medication a couple of hours after I ate for the last time. I took my temperature and it was 96.8. Took it when I got up and it said I was 97.0, so I’m warming up a bit. Makes me wonder if I would literally freeze to death if I went over a week without taking this med.

I’m virtually positive that the statins didn’t have a hand in this round of anxiety but I’m still yes and no on the other stuff. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It makes sense that it would have a hand in it but then it doesn’t because of how erratic it is. And why always during the second part of my day? That isn’t a hard rule but it seems to be more common than not. I have been slightly on edge since being up and I wonder if it’s because I’m worried I’ll end up really anxious later because I took my med or because of the med itself. Whether or not I take it when I get up depends on how the rest of the day goes.

Realizing this isn’t going away on its own or at least not anytime soon, I finally messaged Doc A again and asked if she could recommend something OTC.

We went through the kitchen junk drawers and talked about how we could get out of here sooner if we started off in a “tooth park” with dumpier homes set close together which I hate, but noise is not only something I’m used to but the least of my concerns right now. Really, I wouldn’t know a quiet place if you put me in one. I went out before midnight to dump the recyclables and it was roaring out there between the freeway and a helicopter. No, I don’t like it but that’s all I pretty much know. And I know that it’s like this pretty much everywhere that doesn’t snow or get overly cold. It’s just the way today’s world is. I’m not going to go freeze my ass off somewhere just because people can’t shut up. But if we take a cheaper place, quiet or not, we could get out of here faster because we wouldn’t need to get as much for this place.

Having trouble picking up the drills for the mandala painting I’m doing now, so I’m applying them with tweezers. A painting with a girl’s face on it will be delivered tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how a person looks. This one isn’t bright and colorful like the other ones I’ve done. She has light eyes, black hair, red flowers in her hair, a red snake wrapped around her arm, and a dark background.

Last night I dreamed we moved although I’m not sure where it was. We decided we would let his family know where we were and ended up at some kind of event being hosted at David and Evie’s house. There were dozens of people when we got there, and Tom and I walked into one room in particular. Then Evie entered the room. She looked different and was actually quite slim, but I knew who she was right away. She had short curly hair dyed light brown. In real life, she was fat and had straight red hair.

I said hello and she ignored me, holding a serious expression on her face as she strode across the room with purpose in her stride. I said hello again, and again she ignored me. Feigning confusion, I asked if everything was okay. She finally said something about having to take care of something at the moment, but I knew deep down she resented us no doubt due to what other family members had said and because of our long absence.

Tom and I ended up separated and I was sitting at a round table with about half a dozen other people. I realized the pale pink spaghetti strap top I had on was too big and sagging in front. Then I was pissed at myself for not wearing a bra and a bit embarrassed to think of that and how I was wearing the same exact top the last time, not that anyone should have remembered that far back.

Deciding not to care about my shirt and lack of bra, I rose from my seat and wandered into a larger room in which about half a dozen people were playing different instruments. I scanned the room looking for Tom and found him on the other side of it.

When I approached him, I said that we weren’t going to be leaving for three or four more hours and I was afraid I would end up really tired since I’d been up since very early that morning. But then I reminded myself that people do party after getting up early.

Then I was sitting at a long table by myself eating the plate of food sitting before me (did someone bring it to me or did it just magically appear?) as the band played on. I was glad there were extra forks so I didn’t have to hunt for one but then I noticed there were trays of silverware set up nearby.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2021 We still need to finish the laundry and bathroom floor and then touch up the paint in some spots. Plus we have to pull out the old bedroom windows and really clean the hell out of the appliances. He’s going to take the oven and showers and I’m going to tackle the toilets and fridge. Oh, got to bring the shower door back in and put it in the master bathroom, too.

Once that’s done, we’re going to reach out to a company that isn’t exactly like Sundae but not quite like a traditional realtor and hope for the best. Tom’s researched them. You take pictures of the place and shoot video or something like that and they give you a quote.

Anyway, the anxiety tends to mostly be present during the second part of my day and I don’t know why. I’m still suspecting that one of the many factors involved is that my thyroid medication built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough earlier which prolonged the anxiety. So I’m waiting until I feel better before I go back to it.

However, if there’s any shit later on today, I’m going to message my PCP again and tell her that I don’t have the time and money to focus on this crap right now since we’re about to put our house on the market and can’t make an appointment with a psychiatrist that can’t see me for months anyway. Therefore, could she recommend an OTC supplement for anxiety that may help?

I did some research and I’m wondering if I may have a serotonin deficiency. One of the things they recommend for that is Vitamin D supplements, so I’ve gone back to that. I’ve also seen things like ashwagandha and L-theanine online and in stores which I’ll ask her about. I would prefer to only take something when I feel anxiety coming on but if I have to take something every day as a preventative measure, I will as long as there are no killer side effects. Trying to avoid SSRI drugs because they haven’t worked for me in the past. I would prefer not to need one in Florida but if I do, I hope that it doesn’t take so many months to get into a psychiatrist there.

Decided to try that pineapple wine Aly told me about but what does this idiot do? She goes into Rite Aid after being up for a long time and grabs the wrong bottle. I saw the palm trees on the bottle which I could have sworn I saw when I looked it up, and the word “pineapple,” and somehow the word “Malibu” registered as “Maui” in my mind when I glanced at it quickly. But instead of being wine, it’s rum, LOL. It’s fine, though. It’s good mixed with flavored sparkling water.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2021 The last half of my day yesterday was totally shitty as hell. Again I couldn’t help but think of the potential diseases I found listed that can cause anxiety. Yet I don’t have heart disease, diabetes, or any of the diseases listed. Yes, I’m hypo but being hyper seems to make you more susceptible to anxiety.

I’ve also been cold as hell. I know it’s winter and part of being more hypo due to the skips I’ve made, but it does seem more noticeable lately. The instant I turned off the hot shower earlier, and I mean the instant, I was freezing cold again. I almost always have to sleep with a fan on, even in the winter. Yet last time around I didn’t need the fan at all.

But just like with the anxiety, I don’t have any of the diseases they say can make you feel cold other than being hypo.

So I thought of this long, horrible spell I’ve been having, and once again, it seems too extreme for wacky hormones. I think the problem is what it’s always been and what started, coincidentally, when I started taking the medication…the medication itself. I think where I went wrong was that I didn’t skip enough. When it creeps up on me, I need to not go back on it until I feel better for more than just a few hours or even a day. So I don’t know if I’m going to take my meds when I get up later on or not.

He thinks it’s mostly because of the skips, my hormones, and stress, but I just don’t know. Right now I’m thinking the meds built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough. I would rather have hypo symptoms than the anxiety from hell, so we’ll soon find out!

I woke up in the middle of my sleep for about 90 minutes and that caused a big jump in my schedule. Next week, I’m probably going to call the dentist and see if I can adjust the time of my appointment. I should still be okay for my other appointments.

Never did hear back from the cavy rescue group but didn’t expect to, so Tom will get in touch with Petco next week as well.

We went for a quick 15-minute walk at around 11. No skunk sightings although I got faint whiffs of them every now and then.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2021 I’m so cold and missing summer so much that I don’t see how those stuck in the polar vortex can stand it.

Spent the first half of my day feeling the most normal and like my old self. It was great. Once I got past that halfway marker, though, I started feeling eh. Not bad but not great either. If I don’t get over this in another year or two, then that’s going to leave the medication or me developing a permanent disorder as a real possibility. Again I question the medication because then why did I go 11 weeks as I did at the end of last year?

Another possibility that I didn’t think of when I made the list of 7 possibilities was autoimmune flares. I don’t know if I still have those and exactly how they would affect me if I do but I wonder if that might be a possibility and would explain why I’m worse at times than I am at other times.

Since not taking my meds till the end of the day may not be helping me avoid not feeling as well once I get past the halfway mark of my day, I may go back to taking it in the morning.

What worries me about an article I read is how they mention suicidal thoughts being serious. Menopause shouldn’t make you feel that way. Just the way it mentions how it’s only an underlying health concern that will likely get worse without treatment if it’s this intense and regular makes me feel even worse. The problem is time and money. We need to be focused on getting out of here. It isn’t that I don’t want help but I just don’t know how to get it. I worry about all the time and money it may take and how many scary medications it may take before and if they find the right one. So I just don’t know if anybody can ever help me. I may be beyond help. But yeah, something is obviously wrong. I just don’t know what.

There’s so much anger either way. I’m so, SO pissed that I’ve had to suffer with such intense anxiety and for so long. Like what the fuck did I ever do to deserve such torture? Anything else I’ve ever experienced that was bad was a walk in the park compared to this. Hell, food poisoning is easier than anxiety! All I know is that if there is anything up there that could have prevented this, I will never ever forgive it. If I went 10 years without anxiety, it will always spark anger to remember these days. It’s just so unfair and so undeserved. I may not be a perfect person, but come on. You mean to tell me the lying, delusional nutjobs out there deserve better health and peace of mind than I do?

Another thing (as if anxiety isn’t enough) is that my weight is crying out to go up. It’s inching upward and I’m struggling like crazy to control it but don’t know that I can. Oh well. I did say I’d like to qualify for a lap band. Traditional diet and exercise haven’t done me any good for the last decade so that would be my only hope. Getting peanuts wasn’t a good thing. Thought it would help my foot cramps but bananas are actually better for that. I need to once again back off the carbs and drop the dark chocolate since it doesn’t always calm me anyway.

I emailed a guinea pig rescue group but don’t know if they’re taking pigs during the pandemic. If they don’t come through, we’ll contact Petco and see if they can direct us somewhere. If not, we’ll have to go to a shelter.

Couldn’t resist sending Donte, Alyssa’s husband, a friend request out of curiosity. If it’s ignored or I’m blocked, then I’m sure it’s because he knows who I am. Yes, there are people that won’t add anyone they don’t know personally but I think that’s more of a woman’s thing than a guy’s thing.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2021 There’s only one word to describe how last night was for me from about 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. when I finally woke Tom up. HORRIBLE. Just horrible. I felt horribly anxious that it was making me horribly depressed and I just wished I could drop dead right there on the spot. My HR was consistently around 100.

He said it’s very unlikely that I have an extra potent batch of medicine because of the way there are people who test all the medications to make sure they are what they’re supposed to be before they’re given to the thousands of people who take it. He said we would have heard about it by now and that he thinks it is still a factor but more because of skipping than anything else. Then why didn’t I have this problem before I was diagnosed? I asked him and he said because my thyroid crashed gradually while the skips are more severe. That does make sense to a degree.

I’m still going to avoid the statins for a while but decided to take the poison at night. I’ve tried this before and it probably won’t help but since the trouble seems to usually start around the middle of my day, I figured I would take it a few hours before bed so that it’s been in my system for 8 hours in the middle of my sleep. As I said, I don’t know if that will make a difference, but we’ll see.

He thinks it’s mostly stress and that the pill skips and my hormones are compounding things. Well, if this is how I handle stress these days then I’m going to have a really rough rest of my life. He still thinks it will go away someday but I’ve totally given up hope. I think that it’s either a case of ending my life or just accepting that I’m going to suffer on and off to try to enjoy the good times. Like right now. Right now I’m pretty stable. I woke up a little on edge not knowing what to expect but now I’m doing okay.

Being the wonderful, supportive guy he is, he’s copying my schedule during the times I’m most likely to get anxious. Aly’s been there for me as well. We went out for a walk as the sun was setting and I showed him some yoga moves. Because I’m so bad at yoga which I’m guessing is because I’m fat, I think he would struggle even worse with it, LOL. This guy is 100 pounds overweight and loves to eat. He may consider getting a lap band when he’s on Medicare if they’ll cover enough of it. Depending on how it goes for him, I may eat my BMI up high enough (in 5 minutes) and get lap banded as well.

I’ve got a pair of pink yoga blocks coming. These are to help control your range of motion. Because age and weight have caused me to lose a lot of my flexibility, the blocks help make up for what I can’t quite reach. I always plan and live as if I’m never going to lose the weight and therefore, I do what I can to improvise whenever necessary and possible. I know it isn’t all about my weight, though, because I’ve seen obese people more flexible than I am and I’m not quite obese. At least not from an inches standpoint.

The amethyst stone with the thumb indentation arrived yesterday and they included a free gift which was a polished piece of citrine. The orange-brown polished rock is ugly, so I gave it to Tom, LOL.

Again my ENT was in my dreams last night. Strange how often she shows up in them. I wonder why, too. I remember my discussion with Andy about thought vibrations and it makes me wonder if I’m showing up in her dreams or thoughts and that’s why she’s showing up in mine. Most of the time I don’t remember the dreams but last night I was commenting on how long her hair got and so fast too.

Ugh, just googled her to see if anything new came up that may explain why I’ve been dreaming about her and got “Doc N, MD, is permanently closed.” So does that mean she moved and I’ll see her there wherever “there” is, and assuming they tell me where to go, or do I have to see someone else? If I have to see someone else, again, why does everything have to have such shitty timing in my life? I just looked on Dignity’s site, and the appointment is still there at the usual place on Cole, so I don’t know what’s up.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2021 Yesterday I felt so much better. My day started off slightly borderline and then I felt great. I didn’t take anything at all yesterday. Today I took my levothyroxine and sure enough, towards the middle of my day, I can feel the anxiety picking up. I still think the statins likely compounded it, but for the millionth time, what the fuck is wrong with me??? I thought about it and came up with 7 possibilities which I’ve listed below.

Low thyroid Medication/brands Hormones Stress Developed anxiety disorder Location Something else

Okay, now let’s analyze them one at a time. The low thyroid itself seems unlikely because my thyroid didn’t fail the day before I was diagnosed. I’m almost positive it was low for a few years before they tested it.

As I said, the statins may have compounded it and I don’t doubt that I’ve had issues with different brands. But these thyroid pills are Sandoz, so it got me thinking about the inconsistencies I read about and how generic manufacturers aren’t as consistent as name brands. Could my anxiety be worse because I got an extra potent batch? It’s still ironic that my problems with anxiety didn’t start until a few months after I started this shit.

As for hormones and stress, it seems a bit much to be those things. I’ve never heard of any case of hormonal changes that a woman goes through at my age being this bad and even my doctor said she didn’t think it was only about that.

Also, I’ve been faced with MUCH more stressful situations than moving and having appointments, yet I never went through this before. Besides, you typically handle stressful situations better with age, not worse.

Analyzing the possibility of developing an anxiety disorder…possible but unlikely. People do develop different disorders at different ages in life, so I realize that it’s a possibility even if it still seems unlikely to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s my gut instinct that’s telling me that’s not it.

Then there is the least likely possibility and that has to do with being so close to a cemetery or something about this house or the general area itself. That would be the best thing it could be, but I highly doubt this one the most.

The last possibility I thought of this some other underlying health condition that hasn’t been discovered yet that could be causing this but that too, doesn’t seem likely.

I think the main culprits are connected to the medications and wacky hormones but hopefully not that I developed an anxiety disorder or that it’s become how my body reacts to low thyroid because if the last two are even remotely possible, then I’m forever doomed for sure.

I just wish I knew what things were having a hand in it and how much of a hand they have! Really starting to fear this is never going to go away no matter how postmenopausal I become.

If I absolutely had to guess right now, I would say the number one culprit is connected to the medication somehow. I think there are probably just inconsistencies from bottle to bottle and maybe even from pill to pill, I don’t know. Runner-up to that would be hormones still changing.

I may skip again tomorrow and see how I feel. If I feel better on days I skip, then that tells me something. I haven’t decided for sure yet. Of course I don’t want to be anxious, but I don’t want to be hypo either. But to think my life is going to be a constant battle of Would You Rather? makes me want to beat my fucking head into the wall.

The only good thing is that if I continue to feel this way after the move, then I can narrow the list down to 6 possibilities.

Tom applied for a few jobs and there was a casino job he thought might actually be fun where you walk around with a cart with change for people and all that. Yeah, but I’d hate for him to be around all that second-hand smoke and I also hate the idea of him working before he’s vaccinated. It would also take time away from the prepping and all that and dealing with realtors. Really hope he won’t have to work until after the move and only if he wants to for extras like going on cruises.

I don’t think Virginia’s home. At 9 o’clock I looked over there and there wasn’t any light on, yet she never goes to bed that early. I hope nothing’s wrong for her sake, almost 88 or not!

The frames came today, and we framed the palm trees diamond painting I finished last night. It looks great! Had to put purple poster board behind it because it was a little narrow for the frame. The length was perfect, though.

The two unicorn diamond paintings came today as well which I plan to do for Aly’s birthday.

Ordered a 12x12 painting of various mandalas for myself and a set of 6 Freshly Baked fragrance oils - Blueberry Pancakes, Caramel Nut Muffin, Butterscotch Cookie Dough, Cinnabon, Chocolate Fondue, Creamy Nutmeg.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2021 So I got really bad last night, and then it stopped. Just stopped. I don’t get it. It was almost like the panic attack without the panic where it peaked and then fizzled out. Only I didn’t have the racing heart, shaking, or feel like I was going to die. Just ran and got a big mouthful of turkey which I had forgotten I had.

Tryptophan seems like it helps better than alcohol. I hadn’t had any wine for over a week just in case it might have been contributing to my anxiety even though I didn’t think it was. But I picked up some Moscato today.

I read a report on some studies conducted and there are a number of reports of statin users reporting feelings of anxiety and depression. Not as much as irritability, but still. We know that for some reason I’ve gotten sensitive to medication and certain brands as well. And it’s quite a coincidence that I got really bad after taking the statin I took last night. So I’m taking a break again and this time it’s going to be for a lot longer than just a few days. I still think there are multiple contributors to the anxiety, but I think that could be a significant source and I don’t want to take any chances. I’d totally rather not be on statins and end up dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack than take statins and feel so horribly bad. If I literally could have snapped my fingers and been dead, I wouldn’t have hesitated.

Thinking back to how bad I was when I first started on both drugs in 2014, it kind of makes sense. If I was on the brands that make me more anxious at the same time and going through perimenopause, I can see where that would have created the perfect storm.

I decided to layer my hair and it looks a little better. All I did was brush the hairs from the crown of my head straight upward and trim the ends.

It’s Andy’s 59th birthday tomorrow so I’m going to wish him a happy birthday soon.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2021 Nothing like begging a God who doesn’t exist (or doesn’t care to hear me) to please not let me be anxious just to end up anxious anyway. I’ve done everything I can think of to help myself yet it’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I’m not willing to do is schedule an appointment with some foreign shrink that can’t see me for half a year to discuss drugs that are either addicting, have horrible side effects, or stop working after a while.

Yesterday’s anxiety was mild but it was still noticeable. Seems to be coming more toward the end of my day rather than the middle lately for whatever reason. That is, until today. Today I woke up feeling a mix of anxiety, depression, and fatigue but later perked up briefly. Was it cuz of the pot lotion? The anxiety oil? The dark chocolate? Something else? I wish I knew!

The darkness goes on with no end in sight. Every time I start to feel better, I get that weird feeling again. That anxious, depressive feeling. I just can’t believe I’m going through this shit and that I’ve become this way. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It’s like something up there really wants me to have some form of long-term suffering or another. Just wish we could please go back to the days of it being external. If it wasn’t for this shit, my worst problems would be occasional boredom and noise.

Anxious or not, there’s still the stress of the upcoming appointments and plenty of stress over the move. So many things could go wrong, and well, things are never easy for us. Just rehoming the pigs may be harder than we thought. There are a surprising number of shelters that say they don’t take guinea pigs and there aren’t as many no-kill shelters as we thought there would be. We’re still going to contact a guinea pig rescue service but they may have to go to a shelter that will put them to sleep. Of course we would prefer for that not to happen but if God forbid it does, at least they won’t know it’s coming and they’ll die an easy death compared to a natural one. I wish we could all die by simply falling asleep, never waking up, and never knowing when it’s going to happen.

I still fear that this is more than changing hormones and am coming to doubt whether either medication is responsible for it because of the way the anxiety isn’t consistent. Oh, I still know I had problems with the thyroid medication when I first started it and I still think I did have some brand issues where that’s concerned but I don’t think the statins cause my latest round of anxiety. In fact, I went back on them tonight.

This is definitely the worst spell I’ve had in ages and it’s truly worrisome. It makes me wonder if there’s some other health issue going on that could be causing it. From what I read, not only can thyroid disease cause it but so can diabetes, heart disease and others. And again, it’s still possible I simply up and became this way and developed an anxiety disorder but I sure as hell hope that’s not the case and that it isn’t a forever thing. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and that things do change, but that’s not a hundred percent true. My thyroid disease is going to last forever and so is my TMJ.

I’ve had 17 anxious days so far this year. That’s about half as many as I had last year! Something’s wrong. This is absolutely horrible. The anxiety is getting more intense as I write this and I’m scared. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between all the possibilities… the meds, the brand, hormones, an anxiety disorder I developed, my thyroid, some other health issue… I feel like I’m about to go completely insane! It’s like I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I’m trying to keep from freaking out because I just don’t know what to do anymore. It used to be easy even when it was hard. It was easy because I knew what the problem was be it poverty or problem neighbors or whatever. But now I don’t know what the fuck my enemy is and what to do about it. I just know I’m tired of suffering and not knowing what the fuck to do. I just tried tapping and nothing helps.

“You’re such a good detective,” Andy told me because he never noticed the address on his cover picture, and the reason it’s there is that it reminded him of Connecticut. LOL, that’s exactly where I thought it was, too.

He missed me laughing at his weather. That feel-good kind of laughter, he said which always put him in a good mood.

He said he’s still sober, clean, self-employed, and happy with his life and where he lives. Yes, winter sucks but he can’t handle the heat as well as he used to, he told me. Neither can I but I guess that’s because I’m not young and skinny anymore and definitely because my medication can make you sensitive to heat. I still tolerate heat a hell of a lot better than cold.

He said he thinks of moving to the coast of Florida someday but doesn’t know if he actually will.

He also says he’s working on his food addiction. Yeah, I thought he might have had a food addiction way back when. Food was all he would talk about besides God and Stevie.

I’m not at all surprised Trump was acquitted again. Really, why bother to have these “trials?” They’re about as pointless as protests. It seems some people really are above the law. However, as much as I wish Trump would just drop dead, he really isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Someone can tell me to kill someone all they want, but if I actually act on it, I’m the only one responsible for my actions. Not anyone else. These were grown adults who should have known right from wrong. No one forced them to riot. They chose to do it on their own. Trump may be a shitty influence that deserves to be slowly tortured to death but not directly responsible from a legal standpoint.

Aly says Kim finally wrote her and had a COVID-19 scare but is okay. Yeah, I figured as much. I knew she would be just fine. As horrendously huge as she is, she probably won’t develop any serious health issues until the day before she dies.

The pair of unicorn diamond paintings, along with frames for larger diamond paintings, and a small amethyst healing stone with an indentation for the thumb are on their way. Of course I don’t think it will work but it was only seven bucks and I’m desperate as hell.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2021 So I did hear back from Andy but first things first…I keep ending up liking and wanting to keep the diamond paintings I plan to send Aly for her birthday, LOL. So now I have two owl paintings that were going to be hers. I’m getting a two-pack of unicorns for her instead that I’m at least reasonably sure I wouldn’t want to keep for myself.

We’re going to be getting some frames for the big one I’m still doing. I should be finished with it in a few days or so. He saw a tutorial on framing diamond paintings where you get colored poster board to slip behind it in a frame that’s bigger than the painting and you have that color for a border. That way you don’t have to worry about a precise fit.

Tom’s been slaving away at the floor in the small bathroom. The foam tiles are coming up easily and the vinyl tiles are coming up easily, but the adhesive isn’t. There’s a horrible sticky film all over the floor that he’s slowly trying to scrape and mop up. It’s probably going to take multiple moppings. Now he’s trying the carpet cleaner on it.

I finally ran out of patience with long hair and cut it off myself. It’s barely to my shoulders but looks okay and is MUCH easier to manage. It poofs out a bit but I don’t want to layer it myself. I keep it in a ponytail most of the time anyway, and a salon can straighten it out for me in a couple of months or so. I just didn’t want to deal with the length for another couple of months.

Good to see the critical cases slipping under 100K for the first time in a while. We should be a month or two away from vaccinations.

Aly and Cam did The Return to Sender spell yesterday and I’m hoping it helps them the way it’s helped us.

I remained calm yesterday which is something I have mixed emotions about. Of course I don’t want to feel anxious under any circumstances for any reason, but I also don’t want it to be a brand issue either. It’s too soon to say for sure either way, though.

So I awoke to a few funny memes and a few messages from Andy which sort of surprised me. I mean it did, but it didn’t. He swears it wasn’t him that said, “Jodi gets free stuff always” or “Tom’s the worker bee silly rabbit,” on MD years ago. Unless he did and simply isn’t remembering it, the one thing he’s never been guilty of is being a liar. He’s actually always been pretty honest with me.

I guess it could have been anyone since, after all, a woman in the US is seen as bad for not working as a woman in India is for not having kids. It just seemed a little too personal, almost as if it was someone close to me. And the “silly rabbit” comment seemed like something he would make as well. Doesn’t seem like any family members would say that, and those currently in my life aren’t judgmental otherwise they wouldn’t be in it. IDK, maybe it was a random reader. I’ll never know. But women do get bashed for having kids these days and twice as much for not having a job outside of the house, even if they still work from home. Other than when there’s a lockdown going on of course.

He admits to being judgmental and that his family and I have accused him of being negative and that everyone seems to expect perfection from him. He said why not just accept him as he is? Also, the thing that would bother him most was when I expect him to agree with everything.

I never expected him to agree with everything. Just to keep in mind that sometimes there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. I think, though, that we all can be judgmental and negative at times, so I can understand that much. I mean even if we don’t always voice them, it’s only human nature to form judgments and opinions on what we hear and see.

He apologized for pressuring me to be in constant contact years ago. Aly used to do that to me too. He says although he doesn’t know why he was like that, he realizes it was wrong and says he’s just as busy as I was then. Well, I don’t know if I was always busy, but I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t get bored and out of shape. Still, anytime I feel smothered isn’t a good thing. We all need some breathing space.

He said what he loves most about me is my silly sense of humor and that no one else has ever made him laugh as much as I have. But in so many ways my mind is creative in devious ways, many of which he participated in and that scared him and made him question being friends with someone who was capable of being that way.

Oh, the deviant shit I admit I used to pull in the past without blinking an eye that I would never even think of doing these days due to either feeling guilty or worried about Karma getting me for it. Like writing “fuck you” on Andrea’s IRS statement that was accidentally put in my mailbox at the Vista Ventana before returning it. But never think that deviance doesn’t live on in my mind, though, for it does. Oh, the things I do to some people in my mind!

Regardless, he always remembers our history and that it dates back to the late '60s, and loves being friends with people who knew him for that long. Precisely why I would never tell him that in many ways, Aly is the bestie he never was or could be. Because I know that would hurt since we’ve met face-to-face and go back to the '60s as opposed to a cyber friendship that goes back to 2008. But even though Andy will always be like family to me, I know which one I’d choose in a heartbeat if I had to!

2008 was the year he said Adam dumped him and he’s not sure he would ever want to resume a friendship with him but for some reason I’m different and he does want to be my friend. He said he visited Marla in 2018 and would have loved to take the train up to Sacramento once again. Yeah, I admit that would’ve been nice.

I think it would be good to keep in touch every now and then rather than be so all or nothing. I can’t say that I’ll ever consider him the bestie I once considered him to be but more like the bestie of the 20th century while Aly’s the bestie of the 21st century.

Oh, the obvious differences in their intelligence levels! He says he doesn’t know why I think he’s in Ohio. He’s still in Springfield, Massachusetts, and loving every second of it. Ah, but does he not realize the address on his cover photo? Obviously not, LOL.

He said he remembers when he sang me the song How Do You Do and I was so excited because I’d forgotten that song.

And again I forgot about that song, LOL…until he just mentioned it. We used to sing it to each other at the beach when we were kids, he said, although I don’t remember that much.

As far as that deviant thing goes, he mentioned a guy at the Vista that would call him a faggot and that I wrote a letter anonymously to say that I knew where he was and was going to come and get him, and then he moved in the middle of the night and we were laughing about it and all that. At first I had absolutely no recollection of who he was talking about. I’m still not sure I know who he’s talking about but it does sound like something I would have done. My best guess is the pervert who lived next to me when I had the ground-floor studio. Hated that bastard! And I hated the guy above me because he walked like an elephant. Andrea would end up worse than both of them, though. But he must be talking about Mark. Robert was the guy above me, but Mark…that must be the 6-foot-plus perve I, barely 100 pounds soaking wet at the time, must’ve scared off. Haha!

Mark was a definite hater, alright…gays, blacks, poor people…he hated them all. Didn’t we red-bra him, though? It seems like my parents sent a package and we took some of the things we didn’t want and left them by people’s doors just to baffle them, and I swear I took a red lacy bra that was too big for me and left it hanging on his door, LOL.

I mentioned putting the house on the market and he said with confidence that we’ll get a great offer in just one day because the house is beautiful, but I think he forgets that manufactured homes don’t have the value that on-site built homes have, plus it is outdated.

I would have had the answers if I’d just been able to speak clearly! I had the information in my dreams. I excitedly told the dream people our moving date but was so choked up with emotion and crying happy tears that I could barely talk. Right now I have a mild vibe about getting an offer in April and moving in June but it’s not as strong as the flying vibes and dreams I’ve had. He was comparing costs between flying and different ground variations and right now it is looking more likely that we will fly. If that’s true, it will be interesting to see if it’s first-class like in the dream and if the window is to my left.

Here’s the most interesting and amazing thing he told me. Well, we switched to leaving voice messages because it’s easier. He sounds great and very easy to understand, as always. Can’t deny that they put a big smile on my face just like when he would leave voice messages on the old-fashioned answering machines we had in our apartments back in the 80s. He thanked me for that classic laugh of mine.

Anyway, back when he started popping up in my dreams, I remembered how he once told me that people that know each other sense when they’re on each other’s minds and he would often pick up the vibes when someone was thinking of him and vice versa. I wondered if him being in my dreams like that all of a sudden meant that he’d been thinking of me. Well, it turns out that he hadn’t thought of me in months, and then last October he started dreaming about me a lot and asking himself what the hell is going on? Is she thinking of me? Is she going to come back into my life? And then he told himself nah, she’s never going to contact me ever again. But now, here I am. Way cool but makes me wonder why the termites are on my mind every day. I certainly don’t miss them and I would never under any circumstances ever take them back into my life for any reason, but I wonder if it’s because they’re thinking of me constantly that’s got them on my mind regularly or if it’s just my anger that has them on my mind so much. Probably the latter. I’ll get things off my chest when I feel the time is right and that will purge some of the anger even though I’ll never forgive them.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2021 I’m getting a little worried about Aly because I didn’t hear from her all day yesterday and I haven’t heard anything yet today. She probably just had a bad day, and she does do this every now and then so I would be willing to bet I’ll hear from her later on this afternoon. I would think that if something was really wrong, Cam would let me know if she was unable to and that if she didn’t want anything to do with me for whatever reason, she would tell me even though she did ghost Molly. Or so she says anyway. She hasn’t mentioned her or Kim lately.

Went out walking on this pleasant cloudy day and it’s nice to see all the apple and cherry trees in bloom already. Now I’m just waiting for the anxiety to hit. Yeah, it got me yesterday for a few hours. So out of the last 13 days, I’ve only had one day off. Decided to stop the statins and see how I do. Really don’t want it to be a brand issue but we’ll see.

Yesterday a guy that works for the park said they were replacing our water meter with something that will allow them to read it at the front of the house. Oh, so they wait till he spends all kinds of time and money trying to keep them from slamming the trap door and we’re down to a few months before the move to finally do this? Another classic example of how things tend to have such shitty timing in our lives!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2021 Did another 2-mile walk around the perimeters of the park. Just like yesterday, Fitbit said I had 39 active minutes and walked for 38 minutes. However, my HR peaked at 133 instead of 139.

It’s kind of frustrating to cross the street to avoid someone and their dog while we’re still not vaccinated, just to have them jump across the street as well a second later. Maybe I should start taking a mask with me, especially in the area where there’s more likely to be people out with their dogs.

It was gorgeous out at nearly 60 degrees. It’ll be close to 70 later on. The air was cool but it was warm in the sun and I wished I had on shorts and a tank top instead of capris and a tee. Tomorrow will be cloudy and we might even get some rain but with the weather gradually warming up, I’ll be taking the bike out soon enough.

The best news is that after 12 anxious days in a row, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday. While that’s great, I don’t want to get my hopes up because I know it’s only going to return. It always does. The question is whether or not it returns in a day or a few weeks. There’s still nothing to say it’s ever going to go away for good. I’d have to go for at least half a year before I could finally get my hopes up and that hasn’t happened yet. Each year that it doesn’t, I lose hope that it ever will. That’s okay, though. I’m still determined to accept and adjust to it and just appreciate those good days even more. It can’t be a forever thing because I’m not going to live forever in the first place.

Either way, it’s amazing how dramatically better things have been after placing the spell. I really hope my buddy will do it as well. It may not make life perfect but it definitely stops the extremes from happening and things from being worse than usual.

I did the pink flamingo diamond painting yesterday which looks beautiful. Still not sure I want to give Aly the first one of these six-by-six paintings I did which contains an owl, so I got another owl one I might do for her. This one is a little different than the first owl painting I did.

Last night I dreamed about an island but I’m not sure if we moved to it or were contemplating moving to it. We were trying to find out how much it would cost to have the car shipped there. Not from here, but because there was no bridge or causeway, we wanted to know what this ferry would cost that you drive your car onto and that takes you back and forth to the island.

A sign of some kind? I don’t know about that but now is about the time the premonitions would start coming as we’re now down to about a month from going on the market.

He found a cute little place on an island in a wooded area in the Bahamas that you could rent for $2,600 for 3 months, but as tempting as it may be, he couldn’t work there and we wouldn’t necessarily be able to get other things we’d need. Only in the US can you help yourself to the jobs and get all kinds of services. They’re more of a take-care-of-our-own kind of country and to be honest, that’s the way it should be.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021 My ylang-ylang oil came today so I just threw a few drops in the diffuser. Such a lovely smell.

Managed to sleep longer but still woke up tired. First, just as I was knocking off last night, my feet were cramping up. I got so frustrated I wanted to grab a ruler and smack the shit out of the soles of my feet. I guess maybe I’m low on potassium or something. Just as soon as the bananas hurry up and ripen up, I’ll have one.

Despite being tired, we went for a 40-minute walk around the park. It was a nice walk even though it was filled with the usual symphony of small planes, big planes, helicopters, loud landscaping, and barking dogs.

Spring is in the air. An apple blossom tree down the street is already starting to bloom. Doubt we’ll have many more nights in the thirties.

I’ve not only been tired, but I’ve been so damn cold and I’m guessing that’s because of the medication skips. Thank God I didn’t need this shit in jail because it usually takes weeks of fighting for medication to get it.

Can’t say for sure if I’m going to continue the statins, but it still seems unlikely for them to be the culprit since I’m not anxious all the time and when I am, it’s usually nowhere near when I took them since I take them a few hours before bed.

I got up at 8 so today’s anxiety will probably start somewhere between 4 and 6. I really realized yesterday that there really is a damn good chance that whatever the hell is causing this isn’t going to stop and that it’s never going away. So what do I do? Well, killing myself or living with it are basically my only two choices. That’s really all I can do. Nothing any doctor has ever given me has helped and nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has helped either, and when it has, it was short-lived.

The point is that I have to finally accept and understand for once and for all that the problem is very likely mine for life. I did read that you can have anxiety and other symptoms up to two years after your last period, but I can’t count on relief at that time or at any time. I really do need to learn to assume that this is the way I’m always going to be and just enjoy the calm moments.

I realize I’ve been approaching it all wrong and that trying to run from it and escape it is a waste of time and that I need to accept it, embrace it, own it, and just quit being a wimp and start dealing with it for once and for all! I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life, yes, but when it gets to the point where I just want to scream or burst out in tears, I must remember that at least I’m mostly healthy in other ways and at least it’s only going to be for around 20 more years and not 50. Yes, even a few more years is a very long time, but I can do it and I will do it. I can learn to adapt as I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. I know I can toughen up to this and that one day, the anxiety will eventually become second nature to me and all I know. I won’t be able to imagine life without it! Maybe I won’t even want to because the more we suffer, the more it toughens us up and the more special the good times become and the more we appreciate them. Yes, I will admit that a terminal diagnosis would be easier in a sense because then I know it would be just a matter of weeks or months and not years that are very likely to turn into decades. But I will toughen up to this and I will learn to live with it!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2021 I’m so cold today although I’m not sure why. I guess I’m just hypo after the few skips I’ve recently made. Don’t know yet if I’m going to automatically skip on the 1st and 15th of every month as I had planned. It’s going to depend on how much the dark chocolate and pot lotion continues to help.

We ran out to Rite Aid where he got a few snacks and I got more dark chocolate. Didn’t get any wine. That might have actually been contributing to my anxiety.

I just wish I knew why I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. Usually, I sleep better at night. I decided to try that lotion infused with melatonin. But I’m getting a different brand and I’m getting it from Amazon, not Walmart. It will be here tomorrow.

I’m also getting some ylang-ylang oil and a small 6x6 diamond painting similar to the owl one I just did only this one is a pink flamingo. The only thing I really like about the owl that I did that I was tempted to keep was the glowing moon and the royal blue night sky. This one has the same color sky and moon, so if the colors are similar, Aly will get the owl for her birthday since she likes owls. The colors in the pink flamingo are definitely more my thing than the colors in the owl.

Going to be unpacking, reorganizing, and then repacking my collectibles. When I told Tom this, he said that’s exactly what he was thinking of doing with some of his computer and electronic-related stuff.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2021 Slept shitty last night so I’m kind of tired today. Tired enough to take the day off from exercising although it’s good to do once a week anyway and Sunday is when I usually do that.

I don’t know, it’s like the crystal energized me and not only did I have trouble falling asleep yesterday but I couldn’t get back to sleep when I woke up to pee 4 hours later. I then dozed on and off for about 3 hours after it took me an hour to fall back asleep.

Could be because I drank right before bed but I’m out of wine and I’m probably not going to get more anytime soon.

I remembered that the Twenties sell rocks and minerals and I asked Carolyn if she believed in healing rocks and crystals or if she thought it was silly superstition. She says she finds prayer usually helps calm her but knows others who have said they work. She doesn’t have any, though.

Not too long ago, Tom found that there was some decorative raw quartz outside. I like how mine is nicely polished and smooth to the touch. Can’t say for sure if it’s going to do me any good since I started to feel a little wound up at the end of my day yesterday. Better to have a little at the end of my day and not a lot in the middle or earlier but I just wish it would fucking stop!!!

It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t know if it’s “anxiety” per se. The only symptom I have is these random adrenaline rushes in my chest. I did read that that could be a symptom of tumors on the adrenal glands but for 4 years? It was in 2016 that the panic attacks stopped and the adrenaline rushes started. I’m sure I’ve actually had them since 2014 when this shit first began but the panic attacks would have made the feeling not stand out as much because I had other symptoms along with it. But I don’t usually have a racing heart or other symptoms with what I’ve been having since December of 2016. Just a feeling of adrenaline coming and going in waves in my chest. Tom is pretty sure it’s anxiety and not actually adrenaline because then my heart would have to be racing. Also, my old endo would have caught any tumors when she did the special adrenal tests she did.

I still say there’s got to be some physiological cause for it and while we both doubt it’s a tumor, I just wish I knew all the causes, what to do about it, if it’ll last forever, etc. The cannabis lotion I got seems to have a calming effect on me but it’s short-lived.

Dark chocolate seems like it may help a little as well but I don’t want to get carried away with the sugar. Then again I’d rather be a full-fledged diabetic before I continued to feel this horrible and the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Even a terminal diagnosis may not seem as bad because then at least I know there would be an end to my suffering. Don’t know if anything else would lie beyond but at least I would be done with any shit here.

So I know the potential causes could be changing hormones, low thyroid, build-up of meds, new brand of statins, but I still don’t know how to fix it.

He also thinks it could be me stressing out over my schedule, upcoming appointments, and the move. But then why did my body not react this way to stressful things in the past? He thinks it’s because we change with age and anxiety manifests itself differently than it used to.

Either way, my biggest fear in life right now is that this may never go away. No way in hell I can live like this for another 20 years or so. There’s just no way.

We went out for a walk yesterday and I was warm even with my hoodie even though it was only in the 50s.

I had this feeling in the outer corner of my right eye that there might have been an eyelash stuck in my eye or something. I had Tom look at it and he said it was irritated and like there was some kind of bruise or something. So I used his natural eyedrops and that helped soothe it. Oh, to have that be my worst problem in life!

I know I said I was going to wait but then decided to unblock Andy because I’m curious to see if he notices and has anything to say. From the looks of it, he’s no longer friends with Norma unless I just can’t see him on her friend list because he’s got his friend list set to private. Can’t believe either of them would ever unfriend the other.

Rats and Mexicans dominated my dreams last night. Or at least the ones I remember.

In one dream Tom and I were holding a terrified rat that was making sounds no rat has ever made.

In the next dream, we lived literally just a few steps from the Mexican border. I heard this strange humming sound and stepped into Mexico to see what it was and found myself in a very industrialized area. I then realized someone was working on something in a factory with some kind of power tool.

Dismayed to be so close to such noise, I stepped back into the US but not before some Mexican guy saw me and followed me to get on my ass for stepping over the border.

In another dream, I woke up tired but decided to go for a walk by myself anyway. It was really early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. Disoriented from lack of sleep, I started down a hill steeper than the one we have here and then found myself turning around to head back up without even realizing it. When I finally did realize it, I figured it would be better to head home because I was too out of it from lack of sleep anyway.

Once I got up to the top of the hill where the road formed a T and before I could head left towards my house, I spotted a group of Mexican guys across the street in a wooded area. I guess they were probably Mexican. Anyway, in that second, I realized I was stark naked. I crossed my arms over my chest and was horrified when one of them noticed me before I could make the turn toward my place, and started heading in my direction.

OMG, my husband is pure genius! I just remembered the Return to Sender spell which we reapply every now and then when things aren’t going well. We’ve done it maybe half a dozen times or so since he discovered it online in 2005. Well, I’ve either suddenly become seriously bipolar or the spell is already working because I feel tremendously better. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get stabbed again sooner or later but for now, I’m enjoying feeling better after starting off my day on an anxious note. But this spell really does help. It may not make everything perfect all the time but it does help.

Where he’s a genius is in coming up with the idea of getting a rental and a job when we get to Florida rather than buying a place right away. If we sign a lease for three to six months and he gets a job, then we could qualify for a place that’s closer to 200K instead of less than 100K where our options are much more limited. There aren’t many states like Cali where you can get over 4K a month and insurance and not even work. So our income is definitely going to take a nosedive in Florida, but I jokingly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll feel better then.”

It really does seem like we traded in money woes for health issues.

My only two concerns are whether or not they’ll accept us with what money we’ll have and whether or not we can get out in three or six months, but if worse comes to worst, we go back to the original plan and just buy a cheaper place.

What also makes this plan appealing is that it gives us a chance to test drive the climate without actually being locked in. Takes a lot longer to sell a place than it does to leave a rental.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2021 Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in over a week. Just very minimal traces of anxiety toward the end of my day. I hope I continue on an upward streak even though it won’t last more than a week or two. But if I must continue to suffer on and off from this, hopefully, it will be just one or two days a month instead of over a week.

My rose quartz necklace came yesterday and even though I still don’t see how a rock can influence things, I’m willing to try almost anything once. Most people, or at least many people, say prayer helps them. It certainly has never helped me when it comes to anxiety. So hopefully it will be different with healing crystals. If this does help, I hope it continues to because some things only seem to help for so long, like tapping. Tapping still helps. Just not as much.

Anyway, the necklace isn’t gorgeous, but it is pretty. It’s so smooth to the touch. I don’t understand why the claw clasp is the most popular when it’s the hardest to use, though. Tom was kind enough to help me switch it to a toggle clasp. Much easier!

I can say this much for sure and that’s that if there is a God that’s knowingly or intentionally causing my anxiety or that at least has the power to help me but chooses not to, it’s a real shit. Just a real shit that I’ll never forgive. Ever. But could either one really be possible? I guess no one can ever know for sure but I sure as hell hope not! What kind of God would do that to a person? What kind of anything would?

I’ve gained back a pound since I ate more yesterday because I felt better. I had three meals instead of two. Most days my body functions and feels best with around 1500 calories which maintains my current weight. But when I dip down to 1200 or lower, it drops.

As we suspected, there are additional fees at the Savanna Club in Pt Saint Lucie, so it’s almost for sure that we’re not going to get in there. I figured as much. We’re probably going to have to do some settling but I think pretty much anyone does unless they’re rich. I mean, I think we can do better than this place, but I just can’t see us ever having a place that I absolutely love and that’s nice and peaceful most of the time. Just not in my cards.

I decided to go ahead and let Andy know how I felt about some things. It was a long message too, at over 3K words. Some of it I’ve already tried to get across to him before and as they say, you can tell someone something, but you can’t always make them get it. Whether or not it sinks in this time is on him and as I told him, I don’t think he’s a bad person but I don’t think we should go back to communicating regularly either. I admit that I was sort of the liar he would accuse me of being because I told him I wouldn’t block him yet I decided to in the end. I’ll keep him blocked for a year or so and then we’ll see if he happens to contact me or not.

I’m going to dye my hair for what will hopefully be the last time before switching to that Merlot shampoo and just focus mostly on the roots and not bother to cover all of it.

In last night’s dream, we were staying in a cottage on the beach my family and I would spend our summers when I was a kid. At least one other woman was with us.

I woke up early one morning and was shocked to find waves crashing just outside the window. “Oh, my God!” I said and then I quickly quieted as I realized Tom was on the phone talking business with someone.

When he hung up, I told him I never saw the waterline that high before. “I’ve known this beach since I was a baby. The water’s never been even remotely close to the cottages before.”

Then another woman got up and Tom was helping her mix eyeshadow to a specific color that would make her look less tired.

“I used to do that at times when going to doctors so they wouldn’t think I was on anything when in fact I didn’t feel well. You didn’t sleep well?” I asked the woman.

She said no because a turkey gobbling woke her up.

“Maybe Karma will get it and send a big wave crashing down on its head that will swallow it up,” I said. Then I could see that Tom wasn’t too pleased with my saying that. The woman said nothing, so I quickly added, “That is a joke, of course.”

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2021 Sometimes I wish we’d committed suicide in the Sacramento motel or in Auburn during the recession. Had I known what lay ahead, that may have been a real game-changer for me. At first I was happy we survived so I could learn more languages and meet some interesting people online as I have but was it really worth all the other shit awaiting me in the end? Sometimes I’m not so sure about that.

Yesterday sucked for about 4 or 5 hours. Tom reminded me to use my happy light, as we call it, and not just for a few minutes. It’s on ‘high’ right now and sitting on the desk.

So I decided to message Doc A and she was obviously on the portal at the time because she replied just minutes later. I described my symptoms to her and let her know that I wasn’t having panic attacks but an anxious feeling in the center of my chest and wanted to know if changing hormones could still be a factor. She said it could be a combination of both anxiety and hormones still changing and to call them if the symptoms persist to set up an office or video appointment.

Yeah, because she’s really helped me before? It’ll be 7 years this summer. I’m starting to feel really doomed in that I don’t think this will ever go away. I just think it will be better sometimes than other times. Right now is certainly not one of those times. Last year I was anxious for somewhere between 30 and 40 days total. Yet we’re barely into February and I’ve already had 10 anxious days. Not exactly feeling very hopeful. In fact, I feel quite hopeless.

Instinctively, I’m trying to think of everything I can to help myself. I searched Amazon for some things and Tom reminded me not to worry about money and just get whatever I want. I’ve never been able to understand how an object could possibly make you feel better but healing stones and crystals seem to be a big thing, so I decided to try one. I got a rose quartz necklace that’s supposed to ease anxiety. It’s a pleasant shade of light pink.

One of the bracelets I saw looks remarkably like the one I made. I guess lava beads, being dry as they are, are good for placing a drop of oil onto. But why not just drop it on you?

Many believe that praying to God works but if there’s anything up there, it isn’t listening to me. So maybe crystals really do work for most people but won’t for me. I’ll find out later today.

I also got another blend of calming essential oils. I’ve heard good things about hemp oil but with me being afraid to try things orally, and not knowing how they may interact with my meds, I’m hesitant to try it. But some people say all they need is a couple of drops and gone is their anxiety. However, Walmart has this lotion infused with cannabis that I’m going to try. They even have one with melatonin in it. Never heard of drugs in lotions but I guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it because the skin does absorb things. I’ll just put a tiny bit on my hands when I get it with this morning’s delivery to make sure nothing bad happens. I still have my phobia when it comes to things like that, but desperate feelings call for desperate measures, and believe me, if I can ever find anything that helps, I’ll buy a lifetime supply of it! Hell, I would become a full-fledged alcoholic if I knew that would help. But just like with prescription anxiety medication, you can still feel some symptoms of anxiety even if you’ve had a drink.

I was going to skip the levothyroxine today but decided to take it. I just cut the waiting time in half. Depending on how I feel today, I may drop the statins for a week or so. I still can’t say for sure whether or not they could be contributing to this shit.

It definitely seems that whether it’s by design or not, I’m meant to suffer one long-term problem after another. It seems as soon as one ends, the next one begins within a year or two. I can’t stress enough how much this is the worst one so far! Maybe it’s one of those 7-year curses that will end this summer, but I doubt it even though the freeloaders seized control of my life for about that long. Seems like the total time I wanted a kid added up to about that long, too. Being broke is harder to calculate because it was more of an on-and-off thing than continuous.

I swear my bird clock must be possessed. It stopped tracking time and chirping, and every time I would remind myself to replace the batteries, I would forget. However, it started working on its own recently. Maybe something got stuck within the mechanisms?

Anyway, I got up a few hours ago and now I’m going to hit the shower and work out and brace myself for the inevitable storm to come later in my day. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to put suicide back on the table but not until after I’ve gotten the chance to live in Florida for a while. Really, I can’t play this fucking game for the rest of my life. There’s just no way I can do it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2021 There’s nothing like waking up knowing that your day is going to suck at some point. Really, this anxiety is eating me up and sucking the life right out of me. I don’t understand why I still have these spells. Tom believes it’s a combination of things. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s like nothing and everything makes sense.

We found a government site that lists the ingredients of medications. You can also report adverse effects there and they’ll actually investigate.

We found out that this brand of simvastatin was made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals. So that rules out Mylan and Lannett as being the makers.

What we wanted to do was compare ingredients in Sandoz levothyroxine versus ingredients in other brands, including the simvastatin I’m taking now. It appears that Sandoz may have bought out Lannett. We did find one ingredient in Mylan that isn’t in Sandoz. This ingredient is also in this brand of simvastatin. But the thing is that it also appears to have been in the last brand of statins I took that I had no problem with, and again, if either medication was responsible for my anxiety then why is it waiting mostly towards the middle of my day to get me and then back off the last few hours of my day? Sometimes I’m anxious early or late in my day but it’s usually centered around the middle of my day.

I cried for a few minutes yesterday, missing the old me but not my old life. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worst problem was noise or wanting something I couldn’t have.

I’d love to think it’s mostly about living here and that I’ll escape it when we move but I know that it’s just going to follow me no matter where we go. Besides, if it was connected to this house in any way or the area, why wait a year to get me?

I definitely had both problems yesterday morning because the planes were louder than usual. Even with the air cleaner running on high and sounds playing on my computer, I could still hear the rumbling. I don’t know if it has to do with the direction of the wind or what but it’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t ever expect to have a peaceful place to live but I know we can do better than this.

As I told Tom, yes, I’m nervous as well as excited about the move and all that but this never would have caused anxiety and affected me in this way in the past, and he pointed out that I wasn’t the same age when we moved before. He thinks most of it is still on my hormones and that they’re still changing but it still seems a little late in the game for that. I’m 50 fucking 5 for God’s sake!

Had more time to reflect on the Andy situation and I asked Tom his opinion. As always, he told me I had to do what I felt was best. But what would you do, I asked him. He said he would remain silent and that’s exactly what I was leaning toward. I think it’s better to miss the good times rather than invite more shit back into my life.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2021 I fucking hate February. Because hey, we don’t have to listen to the same old shit enough of the time as it is during the rest of the year, right? At least it’s the shortest month.

Ooh, this is interesting. Remembering that Andy was never very bright, I unblocked him to see if he’d unblocked me at some point over the last few years, knowing that he wouldn’t be smart enough to know there’s a way to block those who have blocked you. At least last I knew there was, but things often change on Facebook so I don’t know if this can still be done. Anyway, I found that he had indeed unblocked me but likely figured I deactivated my account. The question is why did he unblock me? Was he simply curious, intending to reblock me after he checked to see what he could see? Or did he plan to reach out to me?

I’m going to leave him unblocked for now. Part of me wants to reach out to him, but as much as I miss him and will always love him and consider him like family and cherish many funny memories, he is who he is and no one can change him. If he was still as judgmental, paranoid, and accusatory as he was in his fifties, then I think it’s safe to say that’s how he’s always going to be.

We do have a mutual friend, so we’ll see if he notices any of my comments on Norma’s posts and then reaches out to me. Besides, it was me who reached out to him in Auburn, so we’ll see if he makes the first move this time around if there is a this time around. As I said, I can tell him what irritates me but I can’t make him get it and I can’t make him change either. That would be like someone trying to convince me abortion is really murder and to get me to change my mind where that’s concerned. Not going to happen.

Ended up feeling slightly anxious for a few hours yesterday. Skipped the levothyroxine today but took my statin yesterday. So far so good but it’s early in my day so trouble could be ahead for me in a few hours. Right now I’m guessing the statin isn’t connected. It’s likely just a buildup of thyroid meds and wacky hormones.

Maybe part of the reason I don’t get breast exams is that I just don’t want to do all I can to live another 20-30 years. I mean to do what? The same old things? I know that may sound selfish, though, to allow myself to die and desert Tom. He may be a lot tougher than I am but I definitely wouldn’t want to leave him alone so if I’m destined to go first, I hope it isn’t it until it’s almost his time!

But if I knew I was going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, death would be oh-so-very appealing.

Stacey surprised me. Sent her a message telling her that we plan to put the house on the market and hopefully move to Florida soon. I wished her well and thanked her for her help (even if no one could ever help me permanently in the end) and she replied saying she was safe, doing well, and wished me the best and all that.

He got a call for a job. It would be a really bad time to work and may bring us less money than with him not working, but there’s still a slight fear of the government coming after the money because he retired. Anyway, it’s an inventory job in which he said he wouldn’t accept less than $20 an hour. He’ll call them back and hopefully not sound very interesting to them.

I just want to get the fuck out of here!

Later…

When I glanced at Andy’s current profile picture, I first thought it was in Connecticut. But then I noticed the address in the upper right corner. I ran it on Google Maps and found it’s in Cleveland, Ohio.

Ohio? What the hell would he be doing there? He never mentioned anyone in Ohio. He’s listed as still being single, so I doubt he met a guy that he followed there.

Against my better judgment (yeah, I’m stupid and too forgiving), I messaged him. But don’t worry. Don’t even think for a millisecond that I would ever take the termites back because I wouldn’t under any circumstances. Andy’s worst crime is saying mean and hurtful things, not turning my life upside down and inside out like the termite has. There’s no comparison. I would never in a million years forgive and allow the termites back into my life. So no worries there. Besides, it doesn’t mean he’s going to respond. For all I know he’ll turn around and re-block me but if he does, he does. He’s still what many would describe as toxic to a degree. He was very judgmental and just not very and empathetic and respectful in a lot of ways. He could be kind of selfish too, but we’ll just see what happens.

Later…

When it hit me that Andy must have simply been curious or else he would have emailed me if he wanted to talk to me, I sent him a second message saying that I would go ahead and block Facebook messages since I realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. Besides, we became so different over time and well, he is who he is while I am who I am and I really should respect his wishes. I wished him the best and assured him I would never forget him.

There is a slight chance that he lost my email address and he wouldn’t have the sophistication to hunt that information down. He’s never been the stalker-ish type so there’s no way he would do a paid search for info.

I do have a few Ohio visitors but I’m pretty sure I know who they are and I can’t believe he would still have my Prosebox link. He could have bookmarked it but somehow I doubt he did much less join the site just so he could read me. He would have commented by now if he did.

I loved that he was loyal and honest but he was overly judgmental and insensitive in many ways not to mention pushy at times and not very empathetic. What he would claim as his opinion was often him actually being incorrect. And there was the opposite-doing that got to me. It was like the more I would ask him not to do a particular thing like gross me out with pictures showing me how big of a dump he last took, he would do it more. What kind of a friend does that? Shouldn’t a friend want to do more of what their friend wants within reason? Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to stand on his head all day but come on. Did he really ever think I would be interested in the size of his dumps?

His being judgmental and insisting I was bullshitting him about this and that, particularly my sleep disorder, was the most frustrating and hurtful but his blatant lack of empathy could be as well. It’s like he was both empathetic and not. He feels horrible for the way blacks were slaves in the past and for those homeless in the cold, yet when Robin Williams goes and kills himself he’s just a spoiled selfish person who “threw it all away?” And when his best friend is sick for a little too long, that’s a problem too?

This is the kind of shit I just don’t need in my life. If you can’t take me at face value when I’ve never given you a reason to doubt me in the past and you run out of patience with how long I’m suffering, that tells me something about you.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2021 Yesterday went from good to bad to good. I’ve only been up a little over four hours and so far, so good today but I don’t know what I could be in for a few hours from now. I just don’t understand why I’m having such an anxious spell lately! Many reports I’ve read suggest this won’t last into old age along with the fact that this is the most common age group for anxiety as the hormones and brain chemistry change. Kim says she’s been getting it for the last year which would put her around 50. Mine started at 48. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and I think of the things I had to deal with for years that eventually fizzled out but knowing there are no guarantees makes it hard. Maybe this really is the older side of me. The new me since 2014 that will be a part of my life for as long as I live. That could mean suffering on and off for as much as 30 years by the time I die. Logically it doesn’t seem likely but I just don’t want to get my hopes up either.

I took my levothyroxine today but yesterday I skipped the statin just in case there’s something about this brand that triggered it. I’ll take it towards the end of the day and see how I do. The only thing that doesn’t make sense about it being the statin is why it would wait until a few hours or more into the next day to get me. I’m still guessing the original poison just built up a bit too much in my system. Or maybe it was an age thing. I guess I’ll never know for sure. They also say that just having low thyroid can make you anxious but it had to have been low for years before I was diagnosed yet I didn’t have this then. So the best thing it could be would be related to going into menopause because eventually, things will change. The worst thing is the medication because I’m always going to need it. That much will never change.

Tom went to Rite Aid yesterday to pick up his blood pressure medicine and might have been around a “carnivore.” He didn’t get within six feet of them but he heard them ask if they did COVID-19 testing there. Well, why would you ask that if you didn’t think you had the virus? He washed his hands immediately after he got home. I never had a feeling about us getting it and getting seriously ill much less killed by it.

I had a series of dreams last night but I don’t remember enough about them other than to say we were flying somewhere in one of them. I don’t know where we were going. So that’s flying dream number two that I know of even though it’s too soon to say that we will fly for sure or that we won’t.

Due to where my schedule is at, we decided the second week of March is going to be when we reach out to a realtor. At the end of this month, we will rehome the pigs. I was a little annoyed with Tom because we were supposed to do that now but he’s really fallen in love with them and wants to keep them for a couple more weeks. A part of me will miss them as well but for the most part, they’re just smelly eating machines that are a lot of work and money. I’m going to feel worse for Tom than for myself.

His back is still horrible but slowly improving. He did some paint touch-ups in the kitchen while I slept and it looks great. He says we still have plenty of yellow paint and it’s still in good condition.

[cerseiwexler]

For both Mae and Zeet!

💯🍎🍝🤒

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

mae: a) her birth name was allison! she legally changed it to mary jane aka mae @ 18 when she moved to la to pursue a film career. b) she comes from a creative family — mom’s a sculptor, dad’s a landscape designer, and sister is a hairdresser. c) she is a natural blonde, it’s just more of a honey shade than the platinum she highlights it up to.

zeet: a) they’re pretty crafty! as in, arts and crafts. specifically embroidery, sewing, crochet, and leatherwork — things they can do with their hands. b) they have a bunch of pretty classic tattoos on both arms, and a snake going up their side. c) surprisingly, they’re fairly well-read, at least fictionally speaking. they don’t read super often, but when they do it really sticks.

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

mae was born in austin tx! she moved to la @ 18 to pursue a film career, then to albuquerque @ 26 when bills got too high. she likes austin plenty and enjoys visiting her parents there — it’s got a really vivid creative/arts scene, which is the kind of thing she lives for, and she’s still in touch with some of her childhood friends so it’s nice to catch up sometimes.

zeet was born in rural new mexico at a small hospital not too far from their grandmother’s house. i need to do a bit more research and decide exactly where said house is located — i have a general idea of the area I want it to go in, but gotta know more about the towns etc to figure out the exact location. but yeah they like it there just fine! feels like home yk.

🍝 SPAGHETTI — what is/are your oc's favorite food(s)?

mae is like me in that she could eat cheese fruit and bread for every meal and be perfectly happy that way. her maternal grandparents are french, she’s got brie and baguettes in her dna! she’s also got a bit of a sweet tooth and enjoys a nice baked good here and there.

zeet’s palate makes sense for their lifestyle. they gravitate toward simple, hearty foods that give a lot of energy, steak n’ potatoes and that sort of thing, and have a taste for regional specialties like all the various green chile dishes from the area.

🤒 FACE WITH THERMOMETER — does your oc get sick easily?

WELL both of them have some chronic health issues, so to a degree they’re both always sick. neither of them have their entire medical situation diagnosed and figured out and squared away or anything, but what i know that they don’t is that they’ve both got endometriosis and joint problems, and mae also gets migraines not-infrequently.

but as far as acute illness goes, their immune systems are a little closer to average. mae’s a super affectionate extrovert so she breathes the same air as her loved ones frequently and can sometimes pick up little colds/sinus infections more often than some people as a result, but that’s more a result of increased exposure than a natural affinity for getting sick. likewise, sometimes zeet stays sick longer than average even if they don’t get sick any more than usual, because they’ll try to get back on their feet before they’re ready and overexert themself.

[donovankinard]

whumptober masterlist ✮

one month, 96 prompts, 51953 words, 9 pairings, several hundred tags, 31 fics, the 911verse and a whole lot of late nights have built up my completed whumptober. daily fics, spanning the month of october and containing physical and emotional pain for 911/ls characters, that have turned into a collection of some of my best works.

all 31 works for @whumptober 2024 are listed, linked and summarised under the cut ! includes a number of fics for @jeddieweek x

you're on the other side, as the skyline splits in two 1 - race against the clock: search party, panic attack, "if only we could hold on" mcd, la + tx, hen wilson & eddie diaz, 2.8k

Eddie’s good at his job, generally; he keeps a level head with his patients, he doesn’t take risks beyond what’s necessary, and he carries more compassion than the average person, he likes to think. And his friends are good at their jobs, too. He knows that. But when things get personal, when it’s Chris or Tommy or someone from the 118 on the line, he loses sight of it all. He loses the balance, the level head, the medical training and the firefighter training, it all goes down the drain. Marjan grabs his shoulder, dragging him out of the helicopter and further down the hillside, and all the way he feels like he can’t breathe; it’s not just the smoke that’s choking him out. Or the one where Hen’s gone missing, Eddie’s trying like hell to keep his head, and desperate times create panicked firefighters.

i'm home alone, and you're god knows where 2 - trust issues: amusement park, role reversal, "you got away with crime while the knife's in my back"no warnings, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1k

A small mumble, something incoherent, comes from over by the table; Carlos rounds the couch, flicking on a lamp and sighing lowly as warm light floods the room. The scene before him isn’t a regular one, but it isn’t something he’s not seen, either. Only once before, right after TK first officially moved in with him. That was one of the only times, really, that Carlos sincerely believed TK would relapse; between the closed-off air and the tinge of crushing emotion, he truly thought that that would be it. Not least because he wasn’t even sure what was wrong; he’d merely come home to find TK sitting on the floor in front of the couch, eyes bloodshot and phone sitting open in front of him. His phone, sitting open to Carlos’ texts. Or the one where TK’s past always feels like his future, and Carlos tries to undo the harm Alex did.

lay on the horn, to prove that it haunts me 3 - set up for failure: fingerprints, wrongfully arrested, "i warned you" no warnings, la, evan buckley & athena grant, 1.4k

Starting a fire, a flickering flame that eats away at not only someone’s possessions, but their past? Their home, their security, their memories? He’s spent more than half his adult life trying to save even fragments of people’s lives from the chaos of the flames, and anyone who would do the opposite, who would actively destroy them, doesn’t deserve even an ounce of his respect or kindness. So to be accused of such is not only a terrifying experience, but a personal offence, to him. Or the one where Evan Buckley is charged with arson, and he works out who his real family are.

forest that once was green, colored black by killing machines 4 - hallucinations: hypnosis, sensory deprivation, "you're still alive in my head"ptsd/discussions of dead characters, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 1.5k

But when Eddie turned up, when they first became close, it woke Buck up a little. He educated himself; on the troops in Afghanistan, on the tumultuous violence and the horrific sights, on the experiences of incomparable emotional and physical agony. There was more than one night, after that first shift with Eddie, where Buck would spend hours twisted in his bedsheets thinking over the pages and pages of military history and soldier accounts and articles from Texan newspapers about Eddie’s medal. He was determined, really, to understand what the man had been through; that was the only way he knew how to help, was to understand, was to learn. Or the one where Eddie’s past won’t leave him be, Buck doesn’t know how to help, and the military took more than anyone’s inclined to admit.

i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me 5 - sunburn: healing salve, heatstroke, "if my pain will stretch that far" no warnings, la, evan & maddie buckley, 1.2k

“Evan, you cannot keep doing this.” “Get off my back.” Evan seethes, pulling out of Maddie’s touch. Her hands are cold, as is the cream she’s applying; but her touch is pressing on his back, and the ointment stings on the burns, leaving Evan gritting his teeth. “I just forgot, okay?” “It’s not okay.” Maddie insists, grabbing his wrist and holding his arm still as she spreads the white cream down his shoulder, fingers careful but firm. “D’you know what these kinds of burns can do? Melanoma, DNA damage, abnormal cell development. Photoaging. Cancer.” Or the one where Maddie’s leaving, Buck’s pissed, and the burns on the outside aren’t the ones that hurt the worst.

i keep telling myself that it's them and not me 6 - not realising they're injured: unhealthy coping mechanisms, healed wrong, "it's not my blood" blood/injury, tx, tarlos, carlos reyes & mateo chavez, 1.9k

Carlos’ knuckles are rough and tender where they meet the fabric of Mateo’s shirt, and his eyes are bleary with tears, stinging and bloodshot from the dust blowing around them. Wind whips around his ears, almost taunting him with howls that feel like agony. The pouring rain does nothing to dampen the brown grit flying through the air around them, the smack of water on the road echoing through the street, accented by screams and the distant intonation of sirens. Or the one where Carlos has to get Mateo to safety, but his own pain falls by the wayside in the process.

are you with me, are you drifting through your doubt? 7 - only for emergencies; unconventional weapon, magic with cost, "it's us or them" injury/mental illness, la, christopher diaz & evan buckley, 3.5k

These thoughts, these ideas of who he is and where he fits in, seem to sit on him a lot now. They weigh on his mind, and they’re heavy now, looking at these photographs, until Buck gives a small whisper of some choice words that Eddie would not be happy to know he’s using in front of Chris. “What?” Christopher asks, looking over to Buck until a shrill yell comes from outside his rolled-down window, and he turns to see what’s happening; most people are still in their cars, but two cars ahead a man’s climbed on the windshield of a silver Ford, face twisted in panic and shirt stained in several places. Or the one where Christopher has a lot to learn, Buck can’t be the one to teach him, and the people society shuns are the ones they end up fearing.

all of your falling, does it get exhausting, have you gotten sleep? 8 - sleep deprivation: isolation chamber, forced to stay awake, "leave the lights on" mental illness, la, evan buckley/tommy kinard, 2k

But when he swings open the loft door, he knows immediately that this is not Evan at his best; the lights are all on, which is rare, because Evan usually packs it all in for the night before Tommy gets home. The house is cold and the heatings off, the curtains are all drawn but there’s a thick wooden cutting board abandoned on the kitchen counter, two knives set on it with capsicum, carrot and zucchini. Or the one where Evan cracks under the weight of his own thoughts, Tommy witnesses his worst times for the first time, and sometimes all you can do is be there.

i'll always be looking for you in the distance, wherever i am 9 - obsession: broken window, bruises, "frame me up on the wall, just to keep me out of trouble" post mcd, tx, carlos reyes & gabriel reyes, 1.2k

Carlos knows that this investigation is beyond just him; he isn’t just out of his depth, he’s going out of his mind. Every time he thinks he understands something, there’s a fresh piece of information that changes things, a fresh perspective he hasn’t taken, a fresh alibi that wrecks his theory. If anything, having so many clues and leads should be satisfying; instead, it’s pushing him in circles of suspects and innocence, every hour spent on the case feeling the same as the one before. A waste. Or the one where Carlos is investigating his father’s case, every street leads back to the beginning, and a window takes the brunt of his frustration.

when i scream, you're my echo, will you cry if i let go? 10 - blow to the head; slurred words, passing out from the pain, "i can't think straight" + A7: no-holds-barred beatdown blood/injury, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 1.5k

Of course, when everything happened with the illegal boxing ring years ago, Buck was angry. At Eddie for getting mixed up in it, at Lena for her involvement, at himself, for not knowing what was going on. Eddie was putting Christopher’s last remaining parent in danger, but he was also putting Buck at the risk of losing one of the most important people in his life, and the latter didn’t know whether he was even allowed to be mad at him for that part of it all. It was frustrating, and it was overwhelming, and it was the kind of anger that sat inside Buck, like rust growing over every part of his life until all of his loved ones were red with his pain. Or the one where Christopher’s gone, Eddie returns to fighting to cope with his frustration, and the anger in Buck’s chest changes form, but doesn’t ever quite leave him.

you're not even here, but you're doing my head in 11 - seeing double; convenience store, loneliness, "leave no trace behind, like you don't even exist" no warnings, la, christopher diaz & eddie diaz, 1.5k

And Eddie thought, when Shannon left and he created this strength, this solidity, that nothing would break it. That no loss, no pain, could ever cause cracks in the foundation that was steadily built on his fatherhood. It wasn’t inherent, that strength; it was something he worked for, something he learned, and something he’d begun not to even notice. It wasn’t going anywhere, he’d thought. But then Chris left. And the strength did, too. Or the one where Christopher’s still in Texas, Eddie’s still in the convenience store, and the space between them feels infinite.

when will it stop being cool, to be quietly misunderstood? 12 - starvation: underground caverns, cannabalism, "just a little more" ednos, la, evan buckley & his parents, 1k

This idea, this thing that grew itself in his brain, started out as a tactic. A plan. A way to make his father catch his eye, make his mother look at him; not just look at him even, not look at his face, but see him, really see him. See the parts of him that aren’t all that pretty, the pieces that he hates to see in the mirror, and want it. Evan’s only ever wanted his parents to want him the way other people do, the way Maddie does, and this was supposed to help him do that. Or the one where Evan Buckley would do everything right if it would make his parents care, but he’s had to come up with other tactics.

i'm so sorry, i'm so confused, just tell me, am i out of time? 13 - team as a family: familial curse, multiple whumpees, "death will do us part" blood/injury/mcd, la, bobby nash & 118 firehouse crew, 1.2k

“I’m telling you, my name is Henrietta Wilson and I’m with the Los Angeles Fire Department. I need to speak to Bobby Nash, he’s here, he’s the technical advisor, it’s urgent, please, I need to talk to him.” “You have to go through security–” “Hen?” Bobby practically shoots out of his chair, waving away the crew and ignoring the scoff of the director on the far side of the room. “Hey, she’s a friend.” Or the one where mistakes have been made, it could cost someone’s life, and Bobby just wishes he had been there.

and i still talk to you, when i'm screaming at the sky 14 - left for dead: hunting gear, blackmail, "because i want you to know what it feels like to be haunted" post mcd/grief, tx, carlos reyes & owen strand, 1.7k

Carlos isn’t sure how he got to that point, that moment; he thought he’d done it right. He thought that he’d figured it out, he’d found the bad guy, he could take the punishment into his own hands and dish out the consequences, and it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t affect TK, it wouldn’t affect their yet-to-be marriage, it wouldn’t hurt him. They’ve always been separate, in his mind; his work, his family, and his Tyler. They’ve been three separate things, three separate lives that he leads, and that was how he wanted it. He’s gotten too used to one not affecting another, he realises sharply, his second whiskey pouring down his throat. Or the one where Carlos nearly makes a grave mistake, Owen tries to help him with his grief, and a man being dead doesn’t make him innocent.

wishing these memories would fade, they never do 15 - childhood trauma: painful hug, moment of clarity, "i did good, right? post cd, la, evan buckley & bobby nash, 1.6k

Given the complexities of his childhood, Buck should, in all self-honesty, be more adjusted to this idea by now. He spent his fair share of time in the emergency room or the backs of ambulances – as well as one or two cop cars, but that’s mostly irrelevant – and thus has plenty of experience watching teenagers doing the same things he did, getting hurt the same way he did. It’s been eight years since he joined the 118, and he’s had thousands of familiar-feeling calls in that time – and far more than one motorcycle crash. Or the one where the civvies are like mirrors to Buck, childhood is better remembered, and Bobby seems to know just what to say.

this is the last damn thing that i hold close to me 16 - necrosis: swamp, wound cleaning, "no, i can't feel anything' injury/infection, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1.5k

It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to work out what an effort Carlos has been making since TK voiced his concerns of them drifting apart, and the improvement has been both significant and obvious; not just in their relationship, but in Carlos’ mood, in his demeanour. Getting through sex without falling asleep has definitely gotten easier, because they just went for two rounds for the first time since their honeymoon, and Carlos is still pressing languid kisses to TK’s neck. Or the one where Carlos is insatiable, TK’s paramedic instincts kick in, and they’re as strong as ever for all their flaws.

but tonight your apartment had so much appeal 17 - nowhere else to go: ruined map, shipwrecked, "we had a good run" + A2: communication barrier addiction (ref.), tx, tk strand & nancy gillian

She was hoping that would bring a smile out, but TK’s face remains fairly stony, the quirk at the corner of his mouth coming far more from a place of politeness than genuine amusement. Nancy gestures to the sofa, and TK sits while she grabs two sodas from the fridge, passing one to him and flopping onto her beanbag in the corner with the other. Or the one where TK and Carlos broke up, Nancy doesn’t know how to help, and sometimes the only place you can go is the best place you could be.

we're too young to drown, deep in dirty waters 18 - revenge: unreliable narrator, loss of identity, "i see what's mine and i take it" + A3: finding old messages post mcd/grief, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand & gabriel reyes, 2.1k

The photographs on the walls feature a Gabriel that never existed; a man who had no flaws, a man remembered by everyone as the smartest, the strongest. A family man, apparently. It all makes Carlos scoff mentally, but then the guilt overtakes him, and he returns a few days later to assist his mother with her latest panicked dilemma. Or the one where Gabriel left certain things behind, and Carlos isn’t sure how to feel about it all.

i don't know who i would be, if you ever leave 19 - blood trail: abandoned cabin, one way out, "is there anybody alive out there?" blood/injury, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1.7k

TK tries not to involve himself in Carlos’ work with the Rangers; it’s complicated, and often confidential, and rarely as life-threatening as his own work. So he tries to stay two steps back, waiting for his husband to open up, to speak his mind, to share whatever case or suspect or civilian is the owner of the weight he’s bearing at the time. It doesn’t often happen, and when it does it’s usually very little, but if he has to go away for work he always makes sure TK knows exactly where he’s going, when he should be finished, and which Rangers or police officers should be with him. Or the one where Rangers Reyes and Campbell disappear during a work trip out to the hill country, and TK takes matters into his own hands to find them.

we ain't angry at you love, you're the greatest thing we've lost 20 - emotional angst: shoulder to cry on, giving permission to die, "it's not your fault" mcd, la, evan buckley/eddie diaz, 1.4k

Which shouldn’t be such a terrifying prospect, because Buck is known also for being one to go against the odds, to fight chance, and to win. But this time, Eddie’s not so sure. Eddie’s not so sure that Buck can come back from it, this time; regardless of his pure resilience, his determination, his stubbornness, Eddie just… doesn’t see it happening, not realistically. Not knowing what he does, about Buck’s injuries and about lightning and about loss and about death. Or the one where Buck was struck by lightning, Eddie knows that he needs to let go, and sometimes it’s a disservice to keep someone’s heart beating for our own sake.

i'm a falling star, a glimmer lighting up these cotton streets 21 - body horror: tattoo gun, spirit possession, "let the bedsheet soak up the tears" + jeddie week day one: LOVE MAKES A FAMILY no warnings, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.5k

“We knew he wouldn’t be all-in, straight away, though. Like, we knew that, we were prepared for that.” Eddie insists, waving at the space around him. And they did – when Christopher announced he was returning from Texas, Josh sat him down and opened the conversation of what this would mean for them. The answer was… Eddie didn’t know; but it would take Christopher at least a couple weeks to warm up to the idea, he’d guessed. “I mean, when Buck first started going out with Tommy, it took two months for Christopher to be okay with even speaking to him.” Or the one where Josh endures an awkward dinner, the jury’s still out on the Diaz-Russo family, and Eddie’s love is the best reassurance.

it's like a mountain that's been weighing on my conscience 22 - bleeding through bandages: tourniquet, reopening wounds, "oh thats not good" + jeddie week day two: TRICKS + TREATS blood/injury, la, josh russo/eddie diaz & christopher diaz, 2.1k

But this is Christopher’s first Halloween back in Los Angeles; he came home not long after Christmas, and in the months since January has returned completely to comfort in Eddie’s presence. The rift between them faded so much in the time back together that, despite Eddie insisting Christopher could go with his friends if he wanted, the teenager asked if he could go with Eddie, Josh, Buck and Tommy instead. Or the one where Christopher and his dad are finally back on balanced ground, but Eddie can’t help feeling like he’s about to wreck it all over again.

we were closer, now it's over, but it doesn't mean it's closure 23 - forced choice: public display, broken pedestal, "i'm doing this for you" post mcd/grief, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 2.1k

It’s no small feat, what Eddie did; the crowd filming outside caught every single moment of it all. Him running back into the building, the IC hollering through the radio for him to stop as dust billowed around the ground floor; the echo of cracking concrete grinding against itself, and the woman stumbling down the steps as it all gives way, an agonizing yell bursting out between the huge crash of rebar and aggregate before silence as the dust settled. Or the one where Eddie loses his life in the line of duty, and Buck realizes the realities of the loss.

every single thing to come has turned into ashes 24 - radiation poisoning: collapsed building, equipment failure, "i never knew daylight could be so violent" + jeddie week day four: MISSING YOU post mcd/grief, la, eddie diaz/josh russo & bobby nash, 2.1k

Buck’s voice keeps Josh up at night; the splintering, cracking of his tone and the pain when he says Eddie’s name. The howling agony that seemed to rip from his chest, his grief like a creature clawing its way out, tearing flesh in it’s desperation. And then there were the faces, from every direction; pity, and fear, and the rough impress of grief on Maddie’s expression, because this isn’t just another man down, it isn’t just another mayday. It’s Eddie. Or the one where Eddie’s been gone for a month, now, Bobby wants to offer his help, and Josh can’t work out how he’s supposed to feel.

don't tell me about your problems if you're not tryna solve them 25 - surgery: stitches, being monitored, "it's for your own good" + jeddie week day five: PET PEEVES post injury/recovery, la, eddie diaz/josh russo, 1.4k

“Eddie, I love you. And as much as it scares the shit out of me, I want you to go back to work, I know how much your job means to you, and I know that you’re really helping people by being there. But if you go back in this state, then you might not be able to do that. Or worse, you might not make it home from your shift. So cut it out, this is for your own good.” Josh hates how sharp his voice sounds when he speaks, how every line is delivered with some sort of twisted fear, but not a single word of it is a lie. Eddie’s body needs time to heal, to recuperate. Or the one where Eddie’s cabin fever is getting to him, Josh is offering the best that he can, and the best medics make the worst doctors.

and the words i most regret are the ones i never meant to leave 26 - nightmares: breakfast table, parting words of regret, "i'm haunted by the lies that i have lvoed, the actions i have hated" post mcd/grief, la, eddie diaz & carla price & evan buckley, 1.2k

Eddie hasn’t heard anything from Chimney, or Maddie, or Buck, for that matter, since he left the firehouse; the last one seems somewhat irrelevant, seeing as the last they spoke Eddie essentially told him to fuck off in the middle of a supermarket, but the chill down Eddie’s spine echoes the disturbance in Carla’s voice. And if his gut is right, if the panic creeping like sweat across his skin is warranted, then something very, very wrong has happened. Or the one where Buck loses his life right in the middle of the lawsuit, and Eddie regrets all the last words he spoke.

at the end of every road, you were good to me 27 - voiceless: laboratory, muzzled, "i have no mouth and i must scream" post mcd/grief, la, christopher diaz & firehouse 118 crew, 2k

When Buck spoke at the funeral, it became really obvious to the fifteen-year-old – and to everyone else in the room – that he was not going to be the kind of person to sit down and allow everyone to talk over Eddie’s shortcomings. He’d been pointed and harsh about the video, and he’d tried to eradicate the weird sort of savior image that’s been painted in Eddie’s memory. And it worked, mostly – people stopped acting like Eddie was some hero who died saving someone, and started really treating his death like that of a fellow human. Painful and tragic, rather than heroic and brilliant. Or the one where Christopher is feeling the loss of his father, Buck is trying his best to help, and sometimes you just don’t know what to say.

if he ain't ever coming back, i'ma need some whiskey glasses 28 - denial: cctv, exposure, "they caught me red-handed" + A9: secrets revealed substance abuse, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.1k

Eddie realises exactly two things, when the pounding his head echoes back into realisation and his awareness brings itself high enough: one, he is in a bed - and two, it is not his own. The sheets against his skin are soft, an airy, light blue shade lit by the cloudy glare coming in from the window. The walls on every side are bare, painted a cool grey shade, and the furniture is all white timber. The bed creaks quietly when he sits up, and the room comes into somewhat of a focus. Or the one where Eddie got a little too out of it in a bar, Josh brought him home for the night, and it’s hard to feel valuable when you’re nobody’s first pick.

trying hard not to be, i'm better when you're next to me 29 - fatigue: labyrinth, burnout, "who said you could rest?" no warnings, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.4k

And there’s something in it all, something tender and warm and caring, that Eddie loves; but it still sparks defensiveness in his chest and panic in his stomach and an independent sort of fight in every muscle in his body, pushing and pushing outwards and pressing against his brain so much it makes him dizzy, until it all spills over and bursts into too–harsh words and useless insults. Or the one where Eddie’s overworking himself just to avoid Josh, and the rift between them is more than physical.

made it out alive, but i think i lost it 30 - recovery: hospital bed, holding back tears, "what have i done?" + A11: Survivors Guilt mcd/grief, la, evan buckley & christopher diaz, 1.3k

The makeshift-hospital sheets are pooled around his hips, and the lights are a cool, sterile white, dim in the late evening; his lungs heave with his breaths, and he’s dizzy with the way everything rushes back, clarity and confusion hurtling toward him in one twisted package of a sudden flood of thought. He’s only slept for a few hours, but he feels like it’s been years – and yet he’s entirely unrested, all at once. Or the one where Christopher didn’t make it out of the tsunami, even Eddie can’t seem to blame Buck, and sometimes you just need to feel hated.

fights turn into making up, and making up turns into love 31 - asking for help: therapy, making amends, "i'm alive, i'm just not well" substance abuse (ref.), la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.8k

Neither of them miss the curious glance that Maddie gives them when they walk off, nor do they pay mind to it; Josh links his hand in Eddie’s and pulls him onto the floor, skin sparking like fireworks up both of their arms and the warm light of the bar bathing them in a golden glow. The bassline thumps beneath their feet, aching through Eddie’s bones and blending into the swarm of light and sound and their people around them, Buck and Chimney hollering every word of the song blaring from the speakers while Josh and Eddie jump around. Or the one where Eddie gets out of his head, Josh gets into his heart, and there’s truly never been a better dance partner.

my ao3 whumptober series my whumptober playlist

[pineyw00dsshesquatch]

The more I learn about food the less I'm inclined to defer to 'authenticity' for tradition's sake and just try to research to an insane extent cuz I'm paranoid of being a culture vulture. I'm a pasty bench who cooks a lot of Tex Mex, so I'm always quick to point out who I learned what from and that it's just one way out of buckets of techniques, methods and ingredients. Not matter what I'm goddamn cooking, tbh. I just want to make zero claims that I have any goddamn authority besides "cook TX good". My style is Texas gawdammit.

My husband's family have been in central TX for a few generations which is distinct from East TX where we are now and I have no idea what regions of Mexico his family is connected to cuz TX is big but Mexico is HUGE and just WAS Texas for a long ass time. Texans who pretend Mexican influence isn't integral to our state are garbage trash and deserve to be carried off and devoured by the Lechuza owl woman of legend.

I have never had corned beef and cabbage but a side of my family is actually Czech so they put sausage in that shit, though my grandpa was born and raised in Ohio and got here (Texas) as quick as he could. I know he used to make his own sausage, and I'm crushed I never got to learn from him before he passed. My dad has taught me how to smoke brisket with the vertical pit my grandpa made from a propane tank tho. Some of the best meats etc TX is known for is from that magic of immigrantion and swapping techniques, methods, ingredients etc.

Second wave European immigrants like Germans and Czechs infiltrated the TX Hill country so you'll get billboards for Kolache bakeries and smoke houses out there. West Texas, where I have spent the least time, does incredible things with dove breasts and jalapeno cream cheese. Where I live now is bumped up on Louisiana so there's a lot more Cajun and Creole influence here than the rest of the state. Cajun and Creole are their own dense microcosm of 2 differentiating cuisines/cultures from literally dozens of different cultural groups crammed into one little state shaking out their distinctions over the centuries. Captain Ben Sisko's dad will tell you, Creole is NOT Cajun!

What makes so much of the "authenticity" harder is thanks to white supremacy, many specifics are just lost to time. My husband only recently found out from his great tió, that his great grandfather was Apache who went through state assimilation and had his name changed. A cousin on my side has a Creole grandmother who was apparently insistent she was French Creole and 'nothing else'. I ain't saying she was fibbing, just pointing out that she made such a a distinction. Creole is usually associated with Afro and indigenous folks compared to Cajun though it is absolutely not a rule, but people still carry a negative association for poop reasons. To reiterate, I am white, my ancestor got to come across the pond and keep fuckin 'Hvizdos' where my husband's ancestor was US born and forced to assimilate. People way more researched and knowledgeable than me have spilled ink on these phenomena that are infinitely more useful. I just love the multicultural history of my state and how it's specialized our food and want to honor the people who've lived here over the centuries when I cook.

You sure AF can't get a Boudin Kolache (a Czech yeast roll filled with Cajun dirty rice) anywhere but here in East TX. I also goddamn love Viet Cajun food, IM SO GLAD ITS CRAWFISH SEASON PASS ME THE MUDBUGS!

what if i told you that a lot of “Americanized” versions of foods were actually the product of immigrant experiences and are not “bastardized versions”

[yhwhrulz]

Worthy Brief - April 30, 2024

Pass through the drill!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

When I was in school, it seemed they ran a “fire drill” at least once a year. A long, loud, kind of scary bell would sound and we knew it was either a real fire, or, more likely, just another drill. We were formed into lines, ushered down the halls, and out the doors we went. Of course, the point was practice….so we would be prepared for a real fire.

Drills are preparations for real threats. They are "trials". They test and prepare our readiness, give us opportunity to try on the emotions and actions we would experience in a genuine crisis. We need them and should even "count it pure joy" because they're necessary for our growth and maturity [James 1]. And trials are graduated; that is they get harder, kind of like math tests, they seem even to build on one another. Abraham's life was like that; just consider the different trials he endured leading to the sacrifice of Isaac.

Life in the world has always been full of real dangers, threats, crises, and disasters, though some of us have been spared from much of them. Yet now, it seems, we've got a tough drill to face; one which can really test our mettle. Uncertainty, limitation, perplexity, discomfort, maybe illness and genuine lack, altogether pack the power to raise our emotional temperature and really threaten our trust. Some people are unfazed but plenty of others are moved toward the edges of their capacity to cope.

It's time to discover our resources; first of all, to remember our Father's providence in every past drill that He sent us. Even when there was a real fire, He somehow got you out the door. You learned something on the other side of the threat; you were changed. He was there.

This word, "All things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to His purpose”, is deeply apprehended by people whom the Lord has taken through serious troubles. "Suffering produces perseverance, (and) perseverance, character…"

We were born for this, and we were born again for this. Our life here is simply a preparation for eternity. Trials are preparation for eternity because they perfect our faith and form the character of Christ in us. Don't be surprised when they escalate; the goal is for us to graduate. Anxiety and panic are not for us, but for the faithless. We just need to tell each other that God will pull us through, and will shortly take us Home. We know the drill. We can pass through…

Your family in the Lord with much agape love,

George, Baht Rivka, Obadiah and Elianna (Dallas, TX) (Baltimore, Maryland)

Editor's Note: Watch a recently uploaded sermon -- Passover, Marriage & the Kingdom of God - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHszB_iEwfE

Editor's Note: During this war, we have been live blogging throughout the day -- sometimes minute by minute on our Telegram channel. - https://t.me/worthywatch/ Be sure to check it out!

Editor's Note: We are planning our summer Tour so if you would like us to minister at your congregation, home fellowship, or Israel focused event, be sure to let us know ASAP. You can send an email to george [ @ ] worthyministries.com for more information.

[jer-tan]

I've been having the same reoccurring theme in my dreams recently. I have had at least two dreams recently, involving a high speed line, both was the Patco.

One was a dream I was at some festival in Philly and I was heading home and got on the train outside the fest. I was heading home, went through Camden and going east. I had to get off in Dallas (as in Dallas, TX and apparently it's east of Philadelphia in my dreamscape) and I remember getting my stuff off the train, but I had a lot of luggage and I had to step back in the train to get the rest of it. But then the train started to leave and I was still on it and was heading back, and I saw my stuff on the train platform. I remember prying the doors open shortly after the platform and jumping off the train with the rest of my stuff before I woke up.

Last night, I was boarded another Patco train heading west from home (I don't live near the Patco irl but it's a method I take to Philly and school when I go.) I get to a stop where I need to transfer and get off the train. I remember struggling to get on the right transfer even though the was only one line on the above ground track.

I headed into an underground part of the station. And kept seeing signs for DART (the transportation authority in Dallas) and I remember going above ground and seeing the Dallas skyline at sunset. I went back down and figured out where I needed to go. But then I was struggling to collect my stuff, like when ever it was packed up again. There was more stuff to put away. I'm not sure why all my belongings were all over the place. But I couldn't catch my transfer.

The two dreams weren't the same, but had similar themes. Problems getting where I needed to go (getting on, getting off) due to the amount of my belongings. I have to think about what this represents to me. It may be my brain telling that I am holding myself back from where I want to be going (the train) by making the situation appear more complex than they need to be (the amount of belongings and how it's preventing me from doing what I need to do) or it could represent readiness to go on this path. I seem prepared but in actuality I'm stuck to make the next move.

I need to think on this longer.

[themculibrary]

Daisy Johnson/Phil Coulson Masterlist

7 Kinds of Kissing (ao3) - Persiflage E, 10k

Summary: These are the many different ways that Daisy and Phil Coulson kiss.

a free choice (ao3) - zauberer_sirin T, 5k

Summary: It’s only a few moments afterwards that Coulson joins her next to the comm controls. Daisy is not surprised in the least and she doesn’t wish for him to change, exactly, but life would be easier if he did. Crappier, but easier.

“Full exposé on Quake,” Daisy quotes with a scoff, evading Coulson’s real question. “It barely featured any new information. Even the Watchdogs forums have better researchers.”

alien fruit (ao3) - zauberer_sirin M, 5k

Summary: Daisy and Coulson finally catch a break in space. Problem is, their hosts assume a lot of things about their relationship.

allied (ao3) - zauberer_sirin E, 6k

Summary: The political is personal.

Or: Five Times Daisy And Coulson Went Against The Sokovia Accords.

Daisy Johnson in Love (ao3) - Persiflage E, 3k

Summary: AU: Daisy unexpectedly finds herself falling for Phil Coulson following a misunderstanding.

disaster averted (ao3) - RowboatCop E, 7k

Summary: Daisy and Coulson are forced off the road and have to share a hotel bed. I wonder what will happen?????????

distractions (ao3) - zauberer_sirin T, 4k

Summary: Coulson's voice is distracting.

It's lucky Daisy is such a consummate professional.

Everyone Gets Attached to Something (ao3) - Persiflage M, 1k

Summary: Over the course of a day Daisy's relationship with Phil undergoes a change.

falling for daisy (ao3) - zauberer_sirin E, 7k

Summary: Phil Coulson falls for his boss.

(Post-season 3 unspecified future. Seasons 4-7 do not exist in this fic.)

Ghost Protocol (ao3) - sfiddy G, 3k

Summary: Some would say he was haunted by his past. Coulson knew that was bull. You don’t get to be haunted when you are the ghost.

Phil breaks and runs. Loads of soul searching and wandering commence until he has to call in. Of course, who is his retriever?

i am thinking it's a sign (that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images) (ao3) - zauberer_sirin T, 7k

Summary: Daisy ends up in a parallel universe, with bad news (Hydra won) and good news (Coulson is here).

Just my type (ao3) - BrilliantlyHorrid M, 10k

Summary: Boy meets girl. Boy gets dumped by girl. Boy meets different girl. Girl used to kill people for a living don't worry about it. Against every available survival instinct, boy doesn't seem too worried.

kind of romantic (ao3) - zauberer_sirin

Summary: This time, Daisy is sure. This time they're not getting out of here.

long way down (ao3) - RowboatCop E, 7k

Summary: She drops her forehead to rest on his scar for a brief moment because she can, because she thinks about it sometimes — what he went through to be here with her, the long path he’s taken (so much longer than hers) to get to where they are.

(Daisy & Coulson explore some new things and appreciate how far they've come together.)

not like a greek myth (ao3) - zauberer_sirin G, 6k

Summary: “We’ve got this,” he says first of all, when he senses Daisy knows the situation might call for her involvement. It’s not that he hopes to hide the gravity of it from her — perhaps he hoped Daisy would do the un-Daisy thing and not ask for details. Do the un-Daisy thing of giving herself a break.

On Fire (ao3) - RowboatCop E, 9k

Summary: Or, three times Skye and Coulson angst through some sex cliches, and one time they have fun with it

Road to Christmas (ao3) - RowboatCop T, 13k

Summary: Stranded in Austin, TX four days before his Christmas Eve wedding, Phil Coulson gets a ride with Daisy Johnson and her passenger, Ace Peterson.

shame is the shadow of love (ao3) - zauberer_sirin E, 3k

Summary: This is not what Coulson was expecting.

un lugar en el mundo (ao3) - zauberer_sirin M, 4k

Summary: Daisy falls in love with his voice first.

(Post-3x12 fluffy feelings)

wherever i'm with you (ao3) - RowboatCop E, 12k

Summary: Coulson and Daisy go undercover at a beach resort. Mostly awkward flirting, cuddling, and figuring out their relationship.

[ecodweeb]

John’s Bike: 2015 Zero SR

On Monday April 4, Gopher the Smart Car was delivered to me. On Wednesday April 6, I’d drive my husband in our electric car to buy his first electric vehicle: a 2015 Zero SR. I had no idea this bike would put me back in the seat after a crash I’d had 20 years previous.

Service Stats

In Service Date: 4/6/2016 In Service Mileage: 250 Out of Service Date: 9/23/2017 Out of Service Mileage: 5005 Service Life: 17 months,  4,755 miles

The History & Story

I was not always a motorcyclist. In fact when I met my husband I was very much against them, because I’d already flipped one and felt they were too dangerous. I had no idea that cleaning up the garage one day would change my opinion on motorcycles. While cleaning out the garage at his old townhouse, I came across a sealed turn signal lens cover that was too small for a car. I asked what this went to, and my husband stopped and dropped the box he was holding. He stared at the package I was holding between my fingers and took it from me never breaking eye contact with it. He then tells me this was the turn signal lens for Craig’s motorcycle. Ok, so, who is Craig?

Turns out Craig was one of his best friends in college. Craig died in a motorcycle accident. The day before Craig died, he and my husband skipped classes and hung out all day. The next day he was in the hospital after being struck by a vehicle. I’ll be honest I don’t know all the details, I do know that Craig was buried in Austin, TX and that my husband has a story about his funeral and the rental Mazda Miata he got from Enterprise to attend it.

So, great, I unearthed this rather sad memory. After I’m told this story my husband says that Craig had always said he’d teach him how to ride a motorcycle. I told him how I felt about that, but I could tell this wasn’t the last I’d hear about Craig and motorcycles. Not quite a year later, John shows me the website for Zero motorcycles and says he wants one of them to commute with. I was very, very much against it. However, over time, I caved in... happy spouse, happy life or some such saying. But we didn’t go straight for the Zero...

My husband started with a Sachs MadASS - think if Vespa and Ducati had a lovechild. It was a moped, but it looked like a motorcycle. I picked it up in Nashville, TN bringing back my dad’s old F150 and his 1986 VW Golf diesel to sell off for him. I forgot how long he rode that thing, but the next bike was a BMW 650CS, the short-lived City Sport commuter bike. I know he had this bike for a couple of years, and he was annoyed with it because he never took it on the highway (he had no reason to) and it didn’t like being used as a slow speed commuter. Often it would stall out going through intersections unless a friend of ours ran it on the highway once a month for us.

Fast forward to acquiring Gopher and saying goodbye to VW diesels. John had made friends with the sales guy at the local powersports dealer that sells Zeros, and that guy let him know they had a demo unit coming up for sale at a discount. Since I’d gone electric, it was only fitting that he did too. So we sold the BMW to someone from Maine who flew down and rode it back home and we hopped in the electric car to go buy an electric motorcycle.

I wish I could say that this bike was the end all be all, but it was really a headache from the start. We had numerous issues with the on board charger, the DC-DC converter, and I believe the main bike board failed on it at one point in time. There was a solid 4 months where we were riding the demo DSR instead of our SR because it was waiting on Zero to fix it. But more on that later.

During our time with it, both the powersports sales manager and my husband egged me on to ride it. I finally caved in because I felt it was like having a manual: you should be able to at least move it around your property. So I slowly started to learn to ride a two wheel vehicle again.

Fast forward to the EV Challenge the following year (2017). This event happened on the same day as “Tour de Brew,” a bicycle-based brewery tour that my husband was dying to attend. Because we had three vehicles to show (the BMW, the Smart, and the Zero motorcycle), we dropped the BMW off the night before with my husband’s bicycle stored in the back of it. The next morning I drove the Smart and he rode the Zero to the show grounds. In his haste to get to the starting line of the tour, he picked up the wrong Plug-in NC tote bag that had all the car keys in it instead of his bag with his wallet and gloves. I didn’t realize this until the end of the day, when it was time to pack up and leave.

I called him and he says he’s not far from campus -- over at a place off Lake Wheeler Rd, and that he thinks he left the key to the bike in its ignition. Sure enough, it was there. He said to just hop on it and ride over to pick up the car keys. I said no, I’m in toe shoes and shorts and I don’t know that your helmet will fit. He said well you can ride over here or you can wait two more hours for this to be over. I decided to see if his helmet would fit.

I hopped on the bike and said a small prayer, turned the key and twisted the throttle. Away I went -- I only needed to go 2 miles to get the keys. No big deal. I got there, got the keys, and then took a 10-mile detour to get back to the cars. Turns out, I really liked how the Zero rode. 

I loved it so much, I rode it home and promptly laid it down in my driveway, gently. There wasn’t much damage...

After this we started trading off on Tuesdays. I’d take the bike to work, he’d take my car to work and then his run club event afterwards. We did this for a short time before he decided that commuting with a motorcycle was stupid, and he wanted a convertible smart car instead. I started riding the bike on Tuesdays, and Sundays, and before long I was ready to try and do a long ride with it.

In 2017, Lidl opened their first store in Sanford, North Caroilina. I decided that I wanted to ride the Zero there -- it was 40 miles -- then ride it to my friend’s house in Durham. I remember I used my Pebble smart watch to assist with the turn by turn directions, and I was terrified on the few stretches of 55mph roads I had to be on. However I managed to make it to the Lidl, pick up some mixers, and head to my friend’s home in Durham unscathed. 

But sadly, the battery management on these early units was really problematic. A few weeks after this successful long ride, I had attended a meeting in Burlington with the Triad Auto Association on the Zero. On my way back home I was going to again stop at my friend’s home in Durham (this was my weekend thing for many years), and as I was 2 miles from his house the battery went from 7% to 0% and stranded me in Durham.

I managed to push the bike up into someone’s yard as the road I died on had no shoulder or sidewalk. The owner was super nice and he ran an extension cord out for me to let the bike charge -- thankfully it did. I called my husband who had went to get a small trailer so we could tow the bike, but by the time he got the rig there it was charged up enough to make it to our friend’s house. I rode it over there and plugged it in, and we left it overnight and picked it back up on Sunday. It was around this time that we began to really engage Zero with all the problems on the bike, and ultimate they ended up taking this bike back. That’s when I bought my 2017, which thankfully, was a problem-free machine...except for the overheating due to its non-cooled battery design.