#Learning to Love

[cxtherine]

all too well - spencer reid x fem! reader

a/n : i came up with this little idea for a series + if it goes well i'll make it ! if not, this works as an angsty oneshot : ) it's short because it would be a prologue x

summary: spencer reminisces on your relationship as you leave quantico for the last time .

the door on the train shuts in spencer's face. it's not a surprise, because that's physics and doors don't just hold themselves open, but he stands there on the platform as the train thunders away and thinks maybe you'd have held the door open for him if you'd seen him, like he used to do for you. he remembered it- he'd hold it open with his arm above your head, and you'd laugh, thank him, grab his fingers and do a little twirl through every door. every single one, and it'd never gotten annoying as you gave him that smile that showed your teeth and that made your eyes crinkle in the corners.

a leaf tinted with autumn snow dances from the trees around the station,bitterly cold but your favourite season- his by association, of course. spencer tightens his scarf- your scarf- around his neck. warm, soft, dark red and purple and you'd bought it because it was your colour- the one you said looked best on you- and his, the colour you always bought him clothes in because you said it made his eyes look bright.

he knows, that morally, he shouldn't keep your scarf, he should give it to you, but you've probably forgotten. spencer never will. he'd met you through work- the BAU's new agent, bright-eyed and smiley and beautiful, the kind that made his heart stutter and IQ drop to 60. he wouldn't forget the way that you started singing to the radio when he offered you a drive to work, some Hozier song he'd never heard before but you declared it was your favourite, and spencer decided it was his, too. he wouldn't forget how you looked- wide-eyed and your pink flushed cheeks, wooly hat and gloves intact when he'd asked you to be his, to be his girlfreind.

he remembered it all too well. how you'd hesitated because work relationships weren't allowed, but you were so clearly flattered, how your affair behind closed office doors and in long winding drives upstate (where you'd always get lost because neither of you had a sense of direction) at the weekends became just so perfectly indescribably you. how everything was you and spencer, spencer and you.

the worst part of his memory, spencer's decided, is when his mom asks him a question about something she's forgotton, and knows he knows the answer, so he just can't lie. explaining to diana, with her hurt eyes, that the two of you had had a fight, had split up, and that diana's only freind in years, with bright eyes and big smile- the woman she'd been convinced her son would marry, had helped him pick the ring for- had left him, just like that.

he remembers how she told you stories about his childhood- the happier ones, the photo albums of pink-cheeked messy-haired spencer in his youth, as a teenager. he remembers how he told you the other ones, the sadder ones and how you'd squeezed his fingers and kissed the tears away and promised that you wouldn't leave him, ever, like his dad did.

spencer realises he's been standing there watching your train leave for 10 minutes, so he turns to head home, even though home isn't home without you. he tucks his nose into the scarf. it smells like cinnamon sugar, your favourite, and vanilla perfume, and innocence, and love.

love. spencer was never really sure about it before- he'd had a messed up experience of everything, of his father, and elle, and gideon and maeve, and everyone he'd loved and lost. he'd been scared- of course he was, right? he keeps telling himself it was valid, after you told him everything about yourself and said you really loved him, that he hesitated. right?

you'd cried when he didn't say it back, because he just couldn't. he just couldn't speak as you said he was a liar and that he'd led you on for all 11 months. he just couldn't speak, move, when you snatched up your phone, your keys, and fled. he couldn't protest when you sent him a letter (you knew how he hated texts, which made it hurt more) explaining you were taking a job opportunity in a different state because you couldn't deal with being in a loveless relationship.

what he was expecting the least, though, was for the text to come through half an hour later, when he sat in his car, remembering too well how he'd broken your heart, the radio on full volume to drone out his thoughts.

'i love you, i'm sorry

[sakura-hayashii]

dear lonely soul,

after some time… being alone becomes a normal thing in your life… once it becomes a habit it becomes so hard to feel like you have a place with others… then eventually sharing who you are and opening up feels like a lost cause… and by that point… being alone has basically become an addiction… its so easy to get out of practice at sharing who you are because by that point… being on your own is a habit and normal aspect in your life… it becomes part of your existence… and you feel you cant explain it cause its a constant feeling and habit… and you start to feel like no one in your life would understand… like its a feeling that only you have to go through… it aint shit… but good things never come easy… people aint shit… but not all people in this world are shit… so you gotta find the people willing to put up with and help you through your shit.

life hurts… it hurts like a bitch… its like youre happy one minute and then the next youre slapped in the face with reality… the people who go the furthest in life and who succeed… their lives are never easy… they never were… you just gotta find yourself… if you cant… find your person… or people… and they will help you and be there for you… i promise.

- S.H.

[medusapelagia]

Learning to Love 1

(Part 1, Part 2...)

This fic was supposed to be a pinch but in the end wasn't needed anymore so it collected dust in my Scrivener’s file for a few months. A HUGE thank you to @mystrade-lecroft that was my beta ages ago!

Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve /Billy Tags: enemies to lovers, no upside down Words: 1117

Billy hasn't talked to Steve since the fight they had at Byers’ house, when he found his little step-sister alone in a stranger's house with the other two boys and Harrington.

There was a reason they were all there. Lucas and Max had gone on a little nerd date and the kid's bicycle got a flat tire so he called his best friend, Dustin, who called his best friend, Harrington, who picked them up with his car and drove them to the Byers’ to fix the bicycle.

Billy knows Max and he knows she may have gone with Lucas even if she was grounded just to piss him off, but his father wasn't going to listen to any kind of excuses so Billy had to defend Max's honor, she was his sister after all. It doesn't matter if they don't share the same blood, she is family now, and even if most of the time Billy can’t stand her, he was not going to let anyone put his dirty paws on her, ok?

That’s why he got so mad at Harrington when he lied to him about his sister. Pretending she wasn’t there when he could see her staring at him from the window.

They fought hard, and Billy took Harrington by surprise, crashing a plate on the side of his head and punching him in the face until he laid on the ground unconscious. Then he took Max's arm, who was still screaming something about him being crazy or some shit like that and dragged her to the car.

"Never do something like that again, are we clear?" He hissed in her face. And since that day she didn't, or at least if she did, she became sneakier. Billy doesn’t really care, the important thing is that his father is satisfied, and if Neil Hargrove is happy everyone at home is happy.

Does Billy feel guilty about punching Harrington? Maybe. But he did what had to be done and now the rich boy is keeping his distance from him and his step-sister, which is good. 

Nobody knows exactly what happened, everyone assumed that they had a fight about some girl and even if the chief of police insisted, Harrington didn't file a report against him. Billy should be grateful, a report on his record would not look good, but he wasn't wrong assuming that the pretty boy was going to do something inappropriate with his sister, well, step-sister. After all, he is the one who took her to that house in the middle of nowhere when he could have just driven her back home. It doesn't matter that Max probably begged the high school boy not to, Steve should have known better and drove her home the same.

Billy takes his seat at the back of the class. Hagan on his right is complaining about something Carol did during the weekend when the teacher gets in the classroom and announces that she is going to give them a pop quiz. Everyone starts to complain loudly, while the woman gives them the tests telling them that they should already know the answers and that the test is to help them get prepared before the final test.

Billy doesn't complain, he was always one of the best students in every school he attended so he is not worried at all. He quickly fills the test and gives it back to the teacher who smiles at him and tells him that he can go out to grab a smoke if he wants, but he has to get back before the class ends because she wants to talk to him.

The blond guy raises an eyebrow, confused, he knows he did well on the test, why did she ask him to get back to class?

"Nothing to worry about." She keeps smiling and Billy nods, going outside, the cigarette in his mouth as soon as the door closes behind him. The blond boy loves smoking, he loves everything about smoking; he loves the rituality of taking the cigarette, putting it in his mouth, taking the lighters, and inhaling.

The first drag of smoke immediately calms him down. It doesn't matter if he is fidgeting, or anxious, or scared, when he inhales the world stops spinning and all his worries and insecurities disappear.

Billy stares at the parking lot, wondering how he ended up in a shit place like Hawkins, where the more exciting thing to do is go to the quarry, stare at the cliff, and wonder if to jump or not.

After smoking the cigarette to the filter, Billy gets back to class. There are just a few students left and Harrington is among them, still sitting at his desk with a big frown biting his pen anxiously.

"Time is up. Please give me your tests."

Harrington sighs, reads the questions one last time, and gives the test back to the teacher.

"Could you wait for a moment, Steve?"

The boy shrugs, his arms crossed in front of him to protect him from whatever the teacher is going to say to him.

When the teacher has collected everyone's assignment the only two students in the class are Billy and Steve.

"So, Steve, I know you are having some difficulties this year, but even if you left the basketball team to concentrate on your studies, I must say that it's not enough. I think you might take advantage of some tutoring. And I think that you and Billy could be a good match. So I wanted to suggest to Billy to tutor you to see if this can help your grades, what do you say?"

The chestnut-haired boy glares at the other guy "I'm sorry Mrs. Johnson but Billy and I... we can't study together." 

"I'm not saying that you have to become best friends, but Billy is the class's best student and I'm sure he could help you. And some tutoring would be good for you, Billy. You are really intelligent but your behavior is a little bit... explosive."

The blond-haired guy nods, he knows that his behavior is not the best and that tutoring someone would definitely look good on his college application. But he also knows that he can't stay in the same room as Harrington, it would be like putting two lions in the same cage.

"Overcoming your differences could benefit both of you.” Mrs. Johnson insists “Would you like to give it a try?"

Steve shrugs and glares at Billy, "Whatever he says."

If Harrington thinks that he is too coward to accept the challenge he is fucking wrong. "At your place, tonight, after basketball practice." It sounds like a threat, and maybe it is.

[sebadztian]

My WIPs...

I currently have 3 WIPs. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have started on so many, but oh well, what's done is done...

The updates are kinda slow right now since I'm kind of busy with my new gig, but I'm working on them all, I promise!

1. Ciel Phantomhive and the Order of the Phoenix. The latest installment in my Demon Wizard series, a Kuroshitsuji x Harry Potter crossover. Basically, Ciel and Sebastian go to Hogwarts and they're going to help Harry & co. fight Voldemort. In return, Ciel gets to learn the basic of magic and at the end of the war, they'll get Dumbledore's soul.

2. Learning to Love. A modern take on Black Butler. Ciel is the sole heir of the Phantomhive family and one day he's going to be the CEO of Funtom, following in his father's foosteps. As per the tradition in their family, when he turns 18, Ciel is given a companion of his own, his advisor, his right hand man, essentially, his butler. This somewhat lighthearted story takes the slice-of-life approach with lots and lots of fluff and plenty of angst.

3. The Demon's Mate. My take on the OG Black Butler, with a twist. After losing everything on his 10th birthday, Ciel makes a deal with a demon. But at the end of their contract, instead of taking his soul, the demon will take Ciel as his mate, whether the boy wants to or not. This one generally follows the manga events/arcs, with some elements from the anime as I see fit. Oh, and Ciel doesn't have a twin and/or a fiance. For non-HP/crossover fans or those who are not into modern!AU, this one might be for you.

The biggest challenge in working on those WIPs is that I have to work with not one, not two, but three different Sebastian & Ciel, and three different Sebaciel dynamics. It really gets very crowded up there sometimes...

Please check them out when you have the time and I hope you're going to enjoy them!

[coffeexxcigarettes]

Mama

-

It lingers with me.

Wrapped around my shape

Like dark chiffon.

I move through life with a smile,

Attempt to make flowers bloom from my grasp.

Share the lessons you taught me

And the kindness I learned in your absence.

"My girl."

You said in warmth.

"My girl with the bleeding heart."

Anything to be,

A little less like you.

x

.

..

....@nosebleedclub June 1st; betrayals

[sincerelynoir]

Came stumbling upon the narrow path as if I’m beer laced

Alcoholic, reeking of bad decisions, seeking gods face

And yet I stretch my hands out in desperation, chasing,

Yearning for a voice in the distance, a kind whisper

Of what’s to come, god if your kingdom comes

Will your will be done through me

Am I good enough to carry you

heavenly tributes and covenant, commandments. Teach me,

I beg of you, on my knees in church and in my bedroom

Make me worthy of your love and here you come as a dove

Landing on my shoulder “child you Carry too much” you say

“As if These boulders will somehow free you of your sins

Begone! I died on that cross for you to begin

My child it pains me to see you weep into your

Tan freckled hands, imploring, exploring, desperately

Trying to just get past the beep of an answering machine

I swear I listen in real time my child and every warm kiss

On your heart is just the start of what my love feels like

You may have fallen face first on the narrow path

But you crawled it hands and knees fingertips dirtied.

Gritting your teeth, Naomi, the first will be last and the last will be first

Put down your pain and put down your hurt!”

And so I do .

And so I do.

[itslenagain]

Relearning

Once upon a time, I believed I knew what love was.

I played the part well. I learned the lines, I followed the script. I thought all I had to do was stay in character.

Right now, I am relearning.

You see, the problem with believing that all love is a performance is that when the performer takes their last bow, when the lights go off, when the props are in the trunk and the makeup is off and the crowd has gone home, the performer becomes themself again.

Yes, as a thespian, I believe performances can change you. But, undeniably, you're still your own person underneath. And if love is just a performance, does it mean anything when you're off the stage?

I'm discovering a love that exists when the marquee is empty, when the stage is dark. There's a love that is real when nobody is watching.

My love? Her smile is on my mind no matter what costume I put on. But honestly, around her, I don't want to wear one.

Loving her comes with me everywhere I go, it colors everything I see, it is the underscore of everything I do. I go off script because no play that's been written could sum it up.

Could any of the great playwrights have written the way your hands feel on my skin?

Or penned the night I took off my mismatched socks so you could wear them to help your aching feet?

Could any choreographer recreate the steps to the dancing we've done together in loud concert halls when all I could focus on was you next to me?

Could any director give the right notes to replicate how I hugged you tight enough to momentarily forget about the hospital walls surrounding us?

Sometimes I forget how to act when I'm not performing.

But for you? I'm passionately relearning.

[rstandsforromance]

How do you do it? How did you fix my heart that I didn't realize was broken?

How did you love me so easily when I thought I was so hard to love?

[thestuffiammadeof]

I don’t feel like you’re real. You could be just an apparition before my eyes. A “blink twice and they’re gone”. A firefly in the night. I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t miss you at 8 p.m. yesterday evening, when just at 6 o’clock I had been thinking I needed you to come home every even tide. You’re an apparition in my mind. One wrong move and you could disappear forever. So fear takes over and I don’t even let you see the love in my eyes. How trite. To be myself. A pattern re-emerging from one year, six months and three days ago. A pattern I made in my childhood. “Let’s play hide and seek”. But no one ever could find me. And so I write to assuage the fear, build some resistance to my own mind, remember that I used to be aligned. And maybe this even tide I will tell you.

You’re probably,

most likely,

surely

the love of my life.

[divine-sunlight]

I feel like I haven't appreciated Lady Aphrodite enough in this page, and that just cannot be.

Thank you my Lady for helping me through my self-love journey and for making me prioritize myself, my body and mind.

Thank you for letting me explore myself and my style in a safe space in which none of my desicions are judged.

Thank you for aiding me when I feel unhappy, for showing me the beautiful sides of life, friendship and love.

Thank you for helping me understand that love comes in many shapes and it's not always romantic. Thank you for answering my prayers, not always with what I asked for, but with what I needed the most. Thank you for gifting me the opportunity to find friendship in new places and enjoy my life to its fullest.

I can't wait to continue on this journey with you in which I can explore myself, the world and others learning to care and show I do, and love deeply without any restrictions.

[env0writes]

A Gust of Wind Vol.3, 8.7.23 “Let Me Practice"

There is an itch about the wee hours Of the night that light the kiln of passion Sending me onward to claypots of yearning To mold my life with the very mud of the Earth Even in the mess of it – those eyes– Stir with creative wonder Even if I was never any good At pottery, Let your shape guide my hands Art requires practice, and I Am prepared for tutelage

@env0writes C.Buck Ko-Fi & Venmo: @Zenv0 Support Your Local Artist! Photo by @mynamemeanscloud

[maybe-in-another-universe]

i like learning things to love about myself

i love my laugh, and i love that it’s loud and unapologetic. i love that when something startles me into laughing i throw my head back and clutch my stomach and heave for air afterwards.

i love soothing others. i love knowing that i can help calm someone down. i love that i bring drinks to my crying friends and that i turn down the radio in my car when my friends get overwhelmed.

man i just love learning to love the parts of me i never paid attention to

[sakura-hayashii]

02.24.24 - 1:47 pm

her perspective: because i once loved you… i would hope that the next person you love is your last.  i would hope that she becomes your first thought when you wake up in the morning and your last thought before you fall asleep in the evening. because i once loved you… i would hope that you smile to yourself everytime someone mentions her name. and i would hope that she is the first person you look for when you enter a room. because i once loved you… i would hope that every love song you hear reminds you of her. and i would hope that the world around you stops every time she calls out your name. because i once loved you… i would hope that you lose your breath a little everytime you see her smile. and i would hope that the sound of her laugh and the sparkle in her eyes becomes the reason you live. but there simply is no point. because i once loved you… i know that the only thing you love is your own damn misery. so instead… because i once loved you… i hope you learn to love yourself before you try to love anyone else. his perspective: because you once loved me… i hope you find someone who love you just as much as you love them. i hope that youre his first thought when he wakes up in the morning and his last thought before he falls asleep in the evening. because you once loved me… i hope he never lets you cry yourself to sleep.  and i hope he treats you no differently when he is around his friends. because you once loved me…  i hope that he goes along with all your crazy spontaneous ideas. and i hope that he remembers everything about you down to the smallest detail.  because you once loved me… i hope that he falls in love with you all over again each time he looks at you. and i hope his arms will feel more like home than any house ever has. but there simply is no point. because you once loved me… i know that its impossible to not love you back. so instead… because you once loved me… i just hope that the next guy shows his love for you every damn day and doesnt mess up like i did.

- S.H. // things ive never said #11 (via 2amthoughts)

[medusapelagia]

Learning to Love 4

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve /Billy Tags: enemies to lovers, internalized homophobia Words: 1143

Billy hasn’t seen Steve since the day of the test. There isn’t any need for them to study together anymore, and the pretty boy had left the basketball team months before, so the only way Billy had to see him is looking for him in the parking lot. But he is not always so lucky. More times than not he has to pick up his stupid step-sister and bring her safely home, losing the only occasion he has of seeing Steve.

He doesn’t miss the time they spent together. And he absolutely does not miss getting cozy on Steve’s couch and drinking beer while watching a movie. And he is definitely not still thinking about that night when Steve fell asleep and his head slid onto his shoulder and he felt his warm breath on his neck.

It's not that.

It's just that he is worried about him. 

"Are you still moping?" Max asks, opening the car's door.

"The fuck do you want?"

"I'm tired of seeing you moping around, ok? You are still an asshole but when you were hanging out with Steve you were a little bit less of an asshole."

Billy glares at her. "What are you saying?" He replies in an icy cold tone.

"Nothing. Just that it was nice when you were friends with Steve. So, tell me, how bad did you fuck up?"

Billy pushes on the gas pedal, "I didn't fuck up."

"So why is he avoiding you?" Max insists.

"He is not. We don't have any more classes in common and he passed his test so now we have no reason to meet."

Max remains silent for a long moment, then she whispers "If there was an opportunity to meet him, would you be an asshole as usual?"

Billy lifts an eyebrow "What are you talking about?"

"The party wants to go to the arcade on Saturday and Steve is Dustin's friend, they searched for Dustin's cat together or something like that. Anyway, Steve is going to drive Dustin and you could drive me and Lucas."

"Lucas?" Billy growls, "Are you still hanging out with him?"

She sticks her tongue out "He is my boyfriend! Get over it!"

"You are too fucking young to have a boyfriend! You are thirteen for Christ's sake!"

"Come on! Everyone at school has a boyfriend! Why do you hate Lucas, huh?"

Billy doesn't reply, his eyes fixed on the road.

It's not true that he hates Lucas. Well, he doesn't like him very much, to be honest, he is sniffing around his sister after all and Billy is fiercely protective of his pack, but that's not the true reason behind his attitude. The true reason is that Billy knows that if Neil would even suspect that the girl is having a relationship with a boy he will lock her in the fucking basement.

That's what he did to Billy the first time that he saw him holding hands with Thomas; he beat him with the strap and locked him in the basement for two days, giving him just water and bread. He is pretty sure that Neil will not beat her, not if he wants to keep his shiny new wife, but he is pretty sure that he will not let her go to the skate park or arcade anymore. So, no, Billy doesn't like Lucas.

“Think about it. Driving Lucas and I and finally talking to Steve, or ruining my weekend and staying in your room all day.” She says while she gets out of the car, leaving Billy staring at the front door of their house on Cherry Lane.

***

Saturday afternoons Neil and Susan go to Indianapolis to spend the day, leaving Billy in charge of Max, which is something that annoys both of them, but this time Max is determined to convince Billy to drive her to the arcade

“Come on! If you don’t drive me I’ll go on my skateboard!”

“You will not do such a thing!” Billy snarls, grabbing her arm harshly.

“I deserve to have some fun, Billy! The only reason I asked you to drive me is because I think that Steve’s friendship is good for you and I wanted to help you make peace, but if you are going to be an asshole as usual I’ll skate to Lucas and then I’ll ask his parents to drive us to the arcade!”

Billy glares at the girl, he wants to talk with Steve more than anything but he doesn’t like to be used like that.

“Fuck you, Maxine. You don’t know shit! So stop acting like you have all the answers in your fucking pocket.”

“Oh, I don’t know shit? I know why we moved here, Billy!” She retorts, covering her mouth as soon as those words come out.

“You… what?” He growls, grabbing her and pushing her against the wall.

“I didn’t tell anyone!” She assures him.

“Because there is nothing to say!” He screams, freeing her from his grip. Billy goes back to his room, slamming the door so hard that the poster above his bed wobbles.

Nobody can know what happened in California. Nobody. Not even Maxine.

A soft knock on the door breaks the seething silence in Billy’s mind.

“Fuck off!”

“I’m sorry. Billy, I’m sorry, for real. I didn’t mean… please. Come with me to the arcade. I saw the two of you together…” She whispers behind the door “You looked… you looked nice together.”

“I don’t know what the fuck you mean and I’m not going to drive you anywhere. You are grounded!” He replies, lightening a cigarette between his lips.

Max stays outside his room for a few moments before walking away and Billy finally relaxes. Did he start to feel something for the pretty boy he tutored? Maybe. But there is no way he is going to admit that, not even to himself.

He is lifting some weights, his body covered in sweat, when he hears the roar of a car that stops exactly in front of his house. Surprised, he looks out of the window and sees a familiar Beemer and immediately screams “MAXINE!” but the girl is already running toward the car with her backpack on her shoulder and Steve is holding the car’s door open for her when Billy gets on the porch.

“Maxine, come immediately back, you know that you are grounded.”

She sticks her tongue out “My mom is not here and she didn’t tell me I was grounded, she just told me that I should stay with you, not where. So get your shit together and come with us because I’m not getting back inside.” She replies bravely and if Billy’s look could kill she would be dead by now, but no, she is still there, smiling triumphantly at him.

Steve lifts an eyebrow “You coming or what?” 

[sebadztian]

Not sure if anyone here is following the story, but the latest chapter of my Kuro modern AU, 'Learning to Love' has been posted and I have some exciting stuff for you guys to celebrate the milestone that the story has reached 300k words!

Thank you for your support and I hope that you'll stick with me and this story until the end!

You can read the latest chapter here -> Co-pilot