#LeFwee

[slycooperconfessions]

"Where are the bird heroes? Every bird in this series is a villain, and that makes me sad."

Confessed by: Anonymous

[totally-correct-shenanigans]

LeFwee: Yes, Sly Cooper and Dimitri Lousteau are working together!

Jean Bison: They're fucking what?!

LeFwee: ...Well, I don't think they're fucking-

Jean Bison: That's not what I meant.

Contessa: With Dimitri? I wouldn't be surprised.

[extraneousdominomask]

we don’t talk enough about Penelope, the master of disguise I mean it fooled everyone even the Cooper gang

Also assuming tech wasn’t used for her Black Baron disguise she seems to be a great boxer.

I for one do talk about this! One time I asked on TvTropes how come Penelope was so easily captured by LeFwee when she had evidently displayed the capacity to break every bone in Sly's body

[sodascribbles]

hello would people like sly cooper gender and sexuality headcanons bc i have figured out the truth and as we all know the truth is lava-proof /ref

slyfox is t4t sly and carmelita told me themselves /j

sly (he/him + neos) is transmasc and bisexual (hes just like me fr) though personally i also think he's grayromantic possibly demi. he doesnt think abt it too hard tho! trades neos w bentley like pokemon cards

carmelita (she/her) is transfem btw also. bisexual queen we love to see it.

murray (he/him) is like the only cis one of the cooper gang but hes also like canonically gay (bi at the very least) hes a gay man ok

hot take but. trans girl bentley (she/they + neos). also under the aro umbrella i think and i think shes ace. penelope and them are qpps. them and sly trade neopronouns around like pokemon cards

penelope (they/she) is also transfem actually. demigirl <3 theyre aroace her and bentley are qpps still. they had a whole sexuality crisis over sly but NOPE it was the aesthetic attraction come to kick them in the ass

HOT TAKE. dimitri (he/it) is a trans man. hes gay i think. possibly aro and homosexual but is not opposed to being in a relationship.

tbf im aro so maybe im just projecting onto these guys but who's to say. :3

nb panda king (they/he but rlly doesnt care) for the win im an agender panda king truther. does not mind any gendered terms or pronouns. doesnt label their sexuality but does have a wife (er. used to have a wife)

also nb guru (any) but in the other direction. hot take pangender guru. tends to use masculine terms for herself but switches it up every once in a while. i think they're also aroace but again IM aroace so maybe im just projecting. either all or nothing w it i think either pan or aroace /hj but hes probably the one ive thought the least abt

and a bonus round of just me speedrunning other chars and not explaining

raleigh is transmasc and transphobic and also gay and homophobic

muggshot is a closeted gay w a lot of internalized homophobia

i think mz ruby is a lesbian

youve heard my opinion on panda king

clockwerk stopped thinking about it after version 2 i dont think they care

youve heard my opinion on dimitri

rajan. cishet i think. probably not intolerant but not an ally just indifferent yknow

contessa. aroace i think. married her husband for money and money alone. cis i think?????? but i could also see her as transfem

jean bison is a homophobe and i just think that's canon

we dont see enough of arpeggio for me to get a good read on him but based on like the way he talks alone i think hes cis and gay but i can also see him as transmasc whoops

neyla i think just doesnt care. aroace and agender made one choice and it was No but is not above flirting/whatever to get what she wants

octavio is either gay or homophobic w no inbetween

also fun fact i think bentley figures herself out as trans tm between sly 2 and 3

anyway what's the 2nd villain

Oh

the mask of dark earth is. end sentence

ok uhhh 3 is the black baron that's just Penelope boymoding /hj

TSAO

homophobic a transphobe AND a misogynist

dont ask how much trouble i had spelling misogynist

id call him a terf but hes not a feminist of ANY kind thank you

lefwee is a pirate and that's pretty gay in general. pansexual. the most accepting villain of the bunch /hj again

dr m is again either homophobic or gay w no inbetween. probably a transphobe tho

using that tag a lot

update apparently the species of bird that he is only the females are red w black beaks so hes also trans heart emoji

"cooper?? no you must be the coopers daughter!" "yyyyyyyyyeah about that" <- real conversation between him and sly /j

you get exactly 5 comments on 4 bc i know exactly 5 new characters

el jefe is a homophobe i think

rioichi is cishet but an ally

toothpick is gay sorry not sorry

tennessee is a trans man and i will die on this hill

le paradox. is a terf i think. ive met him exactly once and know little to nothing about him but just based on Vibes

[ms-scarletwings]

Bare with me i have a ton of thoughts about this I need to try to get out in one big vomit blast

The worst part is how it’s NOT that hard to sell the “Penelope betrays the gang” premise. That’s a completely workable and believable follow through from the third game, where she was introduced as a twist villain off the bat. She’s cute and has been great to her friends as seen but she is not a fundamentally good person. She’s not, and that doesn’t count against her as a character, either. Dimitri is not a good person. He’s every bit the same sleazy, self absorbed lounge lizard you beat the hell out of in Paris. He helped the Cooper Gang for the same reason his once fought against them, because it aligned with his own interests. I’m sure he feels a lot more warmly towards them now, but that doesn’t mean he agrees with their moral code. The same with Panda King. His character development that suits him to joining the gang has NOTHING to do with atoning for or feeling a hint of remorse for the countless people he has killed/exploited; it’s freaking about putting aside his deserved embarrassment so he can come through for the daughter he abandoned when she needed him. Everything else for the gang was repaying a debt.

And Penelope is not that different from King or Dimitri in this realm. She was a career criminal with an enormous, merciless death count who tried to kill the gang when they were inconvenient to her ambition (to only provide her skills to “the best”) and joined them when she found the cards fell differently. She absolutely did not align with Sly’s principles of honor and integrity as the Black Baron. She rigged every tournament in her favor, cheated her ass off, and tried to literally yeet Sly off of a plane rather than accept losing at her own game. The Black Baron was not an imprisoning role she felt restricted to play… it was the Hyde to her Jekyll. The costume and her technology let her actually defy restrictions and be every bit the ruthless dogfighting blowhard she couldn’t be otherwise. Black Baron was someone who reveled in blasting his opponents out of the damn sky threatened his own staff with, and I quote “If we lose- if I lose, I’m going to take it out on all of you.”

What I’m saying is all of those qualities she showed when she was the Baron didn’t leave after she ditched the disguise. And it saved Bentley’s freaking life in Bloodbath Bay when she brought that side of herself back out again.

I really want to remind all of you that Lefwee is the only trilogy boss that was straight up MURDERED by a member of the Cooper gang.

I shit you not, Sly, Murray, Bentley, none of them have never actually killed a main antagonist directly. Clockwerk/Clockla? Carmelita was the one who laid the hate chip to a final rest. The Mask of Dark Earth? Also the cops (and it kind of just exploded on its own technically). At worst you only get the Batman treatment from Sly once you’ve made him an enemy. Penelope fed an entire man alive to hungry sharks and did a victorious emote over his final cries. It had me jaw dropped for what a suddenly dark closer it was, because we hadn’t seen something that nonchalantly brutal since Arpeggio’s death.

“Stand and take it!”

Point is, Penelope had the guts all along. Her widdle innocent Coco Bandicoot ass appearance completely belies a cheeky genius capable of utterly savage things if backed into a corner or taking a chance to chase glory.

You think Bentley’s romantic jealousy toward the crush Penelope was kindling for Sly was the only insecurity of his that had been obviously bleeding through to the surface? You think his frustrations about being paralyzed were the only things he probably found Penelope a cathartic ear to vent to when they became closer? Those chapters leading up to the heist on Kaine Island were a subtly tense period regarding Bentley’s view of himself and his role in the brotherhood. He explicitly was starting to ask himself some of the same questions that set Dr.M up for an ugly fallout with his and Conner’s relationship. Dr.M was a test for both Sly and Bentley to acknowledge some of their faults and remember what truly mattered to them, which both of them passed. Wholesome and wonderful.

But Penelope only joined on board for maybe the last few months or so of this team actually being a team. I don’t doubt that she fell in love with this mental powerhouse who could finally match up to her competitively, in fact I think the realization that it was actually Bentley and not Sly who had outsmarted her during the ACES played so so much into that. So what does that leave of her impression of Sly? All of this work, all of this sacrifice on some of their parts, to get Sly in spitting distance of his family inheritance, and then after Bentley invests every bit of faith against the doubts he probably clued her in on, this “lifelong friend” mf goes missing in action. No note, no goodbye, god forbid Bentley also told Penelope about the discovery that his BFF actually just ran off to elope with the very cop that tried to put all of them behind bars for years now.

Bentley of course knows Sly like a brother and where the man’s heart and commitments actually are. He knows that Sly earned that trust and he came out of the third game more solid than ever in his respect for the Cooper legacy and their leader.

….Did Penelope?

cause I’m not gonna lie,, I think the freak not.

Without Sly in the picture, Bentley proved capable of inventing fucking time travel and hijacking the entirety of Thiefnet. Thinking that the raccoon was only holding back dude’s potential wouldn’t even have just been in line with her in-character beliefs, it was more or less exactly what Dr.M concluded just by observing the gang from the outside. Penelope is right about Bentley. What makes her wrong in the important sense is her disregard for where Bentley actually is his own person with other priorities and ambitions besides that of the Contessa or Muggshot…. or the Black Baron. She can’t “become a villain again” because she actually never stopped being a villain, see?

And that’s why I’m so fucking mad about what thieves and time did with that raw premise. Bringing Bentley’s character development a little closer to the foreground now that we’ve pretty much finished with Sly’s coming of age? Making the part of him that’s a good friend who believes in Sly’s principles confront the part of himself that we all know had been making more devious and destructive plans over the years? Setting up this philosophic showdown between a genius thief with honor and a genius thief without honor where they still love each other but also have their own higher priorities tugging them apart and it’s agonizing for both of them?!? Jesus Christ that would actually be a story worth tolerating Bob Cooper after all!

It was a good idea and Sanzaru kind of dragged it over the drain and slaughtered it. The execution feels so hamfisted and abrupt, they obviously don’t show a lot of understanding for Penelope’s motivations, and honestly wtf is Le Paradox even here for? Paradox absolutely did not have to be here to make this work and he kind of slaughters it a little bit harder, because now you have to actually sell me the bigger bridge that Penelope, who’s risk averse, hard to impress, and arrogant as all fuck would volunteer as an underling to this joker. That actually, she needed him to be able to kill Sly who she already sees as an intellectual inferior. Yeah, real boss babe baddie you cultivated there, stooping down to be a dragon in chief instead of the main antagonist herself.. not! If Penelope weren’t here, Le Paradox would just be a shameful clockwerk wannabe beating a dead horse at best. She shouldn’t sell out for some skunk, she’s frustrated that Bentley sold out for some raccoon.

If he had to be there, the roles honestly should have been swapped regarding who’s the one atop all operations. Give her room to at least pretend she’s forced to do something she doesn’t want to. Give her that red herring to try and distract the team away from finding out who’s actually trying so hard to kill Bentley’s best friend. Give her that chance to be Mr “pugilism is my passion” again until the new mask is literally ripped off and she has nothing left but excuses. By all means, let this coward be riding a smug high about throwing an entire arsenal at Sly, but not about breaking Bentley’s heart. Don’t reveal her to actually be stupid for no other reason than to grant Bentley a soapbox to monologue about how dumb she is and how she knew nothing about him. Really the biggest problem with the whole thing was that the cooper gang was actually already apart and realizing their identity outside of the trio. Sly 3 ends with Bentley accepting Murray and Sly giving him space he uses to do exactly what Penelope wants tbh??? They were happy partners in crime with no hint/foreshadowing that they would end up fighting over the Master Thief code, and then she for… some reason??? Decided to stage a cause for the gang to come back together… so she could get rid of sly for the offense of… getting the gang back together. I don’t get it either.

It was a decent first draft, but they should have gone about it any other way than the route of a writer trying (intentionally or not) to convince you instead that the grand moral of everyone’s relationship drama (looking at what they did to my poor Carmelita too) was just “bros before hoes” and no one in the Cooper gang gets to fall in love without someone completely compromising everything they believe in and are, actually.

I’m not angry that they did it. I’m angry that they did it badly.

im bored

[alfafilly]

So Lefwee is an Eclectus parrot... but males of that species are bright green. It’s the biological females that are red. Guess this means...LEFWEE IS CANONICALLY TRANS. I didn’t make the rules.

You can’t outsmart the smartest man on the seven seas. If he says trans rights are human rights then you can’t debate him! He’ll make you walk the plank! 

Collab done with @arpeggio-the-parrot for Pride Month!! I drew Lefwee and added the text, and she colored it and did that epic BG!! 

[mx-kit]

Pirate’s pt 1

[psychedelic-lemur]

the grumpy pirate dude!

(and yeah i know the eye patch is on the wrong side..)

[sodascribbles]

thinking about this more so im here to ramble. below the cut bc it's long and also bc i might ficify it so if you dont want spoilers for future fics shoo or whatever

sly 1: Honor Among Thieves

Honor Among Thieves is literally just the first game but slightly to the left like the vaults and safes all those contain the parts of the map to Kain Island (which was obviously stolen from connor cooper 10 years before the beginning of the game)

i personally think that the levels within the games should be reversed as well meaning you fight Dr. M first and then Don Octavio last

however i still think we should add murray to the party first (during Dr. M's fight which would then take place in italy??????? for the final boss to take place on Kain Island still you need to fuck some things around so i might just do a total roleswap between Dr. M and Don Octavio, with the evil Dr. O being determined to steal the cooper family vault and M being a forgotten opera(?) singer)

hey if the Black Baron assisted in murdering slys dad how do you think he feels about Penelope joining the team? i figure it's a parallel of how he feels about the panda king joining the team in the modern timeline

ok so the fiendish five is just Octavio, the Mask, Penelope, Tsao, and M, implying that Captain LeFwee is just simply not real which fascinates me and also throws a wrench in my plans

order of episodes: An Opera of Fear/Honor Among Theives w/ Dr. M, Cold Reunion w/ Tsao, ...The Plane One w/ Penelope, Rumble Down Under w/Mask of Dark Earth, and then Honor Among Theives/Opera of Fear w/ Octavio

party members include Murray, Panda King, Penelope, the Guru, and then we just squeeze dimitri in there somewhere

hot take. what if instead of the fiendish five it was like the Sinister Six and lefwee was a part of it

wait isnt the Sinister six the marvel villains

oh well anyway theres six villains in the "first" game now

ok so New Order is An Opera of Fear/Honor Among Theives w/ Dr. M, uhhh whatever the pirate one is w/LeFwee, Cold Reunion w/ Tsao, ...The Plane One w/ Penelope, Rumble Down Under w/Mask of Dark Earth, and then Honor Among Theives/Opera of Fear w/ Octavio

and then the team is Murray, Dimitri, Panda King, Penelope, and then the Guru

speaking of are you still assembling a team in reversed!Honor Among Thieves and if so does that team stay with you throughout the series. i hope yes but that's bc i like found family

sly 2: Band of Thieves (still)

band of thieves is so fun to think about. without the thievius raccoonus sly has very little idea of anything that his family has done just that they're thieves. so when he discovers that a set of Mysterious Parts somehow connected to his legacy are being displayed in a museum somewhere he goes after them

WHOOPS the Klaww Gang (still the villains of reversed!Band of Thieves, just in opposite order, minus neyla who remains the same i think) has stolen them already

hey wait if Dimitri teams up with the CG during the "first" game does this mean he betrays them for the Klaww Gang in this one. i like that idea we're running with it

reversed!band of thieves goes as so: The Black Chateau, with main villain Arpeggio; Menace In The North, Eh? followed by He Who Tames the Iron Horse, both starring Jean Bison; A Tangled Web and Jailbreak!, both starring The Contessa; The Predator Awakes and A Starry-Eyed Encounter, both starring Rajan; and then finally Anatomy of Disaster starring BOOM secret plottwist leader of the Klaww Gang dimitri

ok wait maybe neyla wont stay the same we can't have TWO betrayals that's not how this works /hj

maybe neyla will betray them during He Who Tames and then the CG hear the leader of the Klaww Gang is purple and tbeyre like FUCK IT MUST BE NEYLA meanwhile Dimitri is sitting there like yup mhm definitely neyla

maybe that's why hes in jail in Honor Among Thieves maybe it's for Klaww gang shenanigans and maybe neyla was working in his absence

i still think it should be Clock-La at the end but then again maybe not. no matter what it's not Clockwerk himself and the cooper gang dont actually destroy him (obviously) they just destroy whoever was possessing him

bentley is still paralyzed

hey if sly 3 comes first and still has them making the team, does this mean they first meet murray in Italy? were they still childhood friends? why did he leave the team?

sly 3: the thievius raccoonus

and then we get to Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus bc sly meets Jim McSweeney and learns that there was a COOPER BOOK! and of course sly wants the cooper book. so he reassembles the team (except they might not have disassembled havent decided that yet) and they go searching

i dont think the panda king will be evil in reversed!Thievius Raccoonus i think he should stay a good guy

the thievius raccoonus is supposedly being held by clockwerk (who will still be the final boss i think. hes too cool not to be) only when they get to his lair (replacing the tutorial level in paris) they figure out that the thievius raccoonus was STOLEN by somebody who ALSO WANTED TO BE EVIL

order: Fire in the Sky with panda kingn't, Viscous Voodoo with Mz. Ruby, Sunset Snake Eyes with Muggshot, Tides of Terror with Raleigh, and then The Cold Heart of Hate with Clockwerk

idk who the panda kings evil replacement will be. possibly Tsao again?????? muggshot gets to be a villain twice why cant he

yknow I might actually switch Clockwerk and Raleigh's roles????? raleigh gets to be an evil metal bird man and clockwerk is a fuckin nerd frog????? just to keep the switches nice and tidy. raleigh would be a diff kind of bird tho not an owl

anyway if clockwerk remains clockwerk then the final level will be effectively The Cold Heart of Hate but in paris, therefore making the location of the og tutorial the location of the reversed!final boss

possibly a play on the Late to the Party AU of og!sly 2 where the CG is fighting through a mind-controlled Paris to get to clockwerk....

misc

i think the "game" names have t0 reflect the real names so honor among thieves gets to have a sly cooper and the thievius raccoonus esc thing

Sly Cooper and the Kain Island or something

band of thieves can stay the same

Sly Cooper and the Map of Kain sounds like a crossover with like god of war or somethin

Sly Cooper and Thieves' Honor?

the question is do we make reversed!sly 3 simply Sly 3: The Theivius Raccoonus or do we give it a pun. i cannot use thick as thieves for legal reasons. maybe something like Once A Thief (always a thief) yknow

ok it's almost 3am im gonna go to bed now

Sly1 AU where the whole timeline is flipped.

You are after the vault and the Fearsome Five (Don Octavio, Mask of Dark Earth -maybe possessing The Guru?-, Penelope, General Tsao, and Dr. M) are hellbent on stopping the Cooper Gang from finding all the torn up pieces of the map containing the location to Cain (Cane?) Island.

[averagejoebizpizza]

Sly Cooper + Onion Headlines (Part 2, but I still have a few more to go)

(Edit: Yeah, the Penelope one's innacurate, looking back on it. But, unfortunately, I have NO clue how to get rid of it, so it stays.)

[slycooperconfessions]

"Instead of boxing, the Black Baron/Penelope should have used a sword during the fight with Sly. Not only would it have foreshadowed the fight with LeFwee, but also it would have given us more instances of women with swords... *dreamy sigh*"

Confessed by: Anonymous

[totally-correct-shenanigans]

Tsao: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel as though it must be from far away.

Raleigh: What makes you say that?

Tsao: If it's something even I don't know about, I'm sure nobody else would have a clue. So it has to be from some far away place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?

Raleigh: General... you don't have a clue about this thing, do you?

Tsao: [screams in anger]

[splazartj]

Finally the third set of Sly Cooper. And probably It would be the last one. I mean, I could do the ancestors but I don't know, you tell me if you want to see them.

Anyway, you can see the big change after Clockla's Events from Sly 2: Sly improving his clothes, Bentley on the wheelchair, Murray after Australia he changed his outfit and losing some fat, Carmeliota being more relaxed than before, James Barkley being retired, and the new recruits to the Cooper Gang. And also the villains. I didn't do Captain Lefwee because I thought his level was unnecessary.

Anyway I hope you like them. And probably it would be all.

[wolfiestars]

 back on my bullshit (as if i ever got off) but the way thieves in time treated its’ female characters made me feel unseen as fuck as a girl who grew up playing sly cooper. the originals were never exactly an amazing example of feminist writing - let’s be real, carmelita was always furry bait - but she did have agency and character outside of being the sexy love interest. she was also a driven career woman with a strong (if black-and-white) sense of justice, and is canonically a fucking powerhouse who plays a key role in a lot of the boss takedowns (including ALL of the final battles). she helps shoot down clockwerk/clock-la in the first and second game. it’s her that finally destroys the hate chip. she saves sly from dr m’s monster when the rest of sly’s gang has assumed the worst. she helps him escape from the collapsing vault. it’s quite poetic storytelling - literally leading him out from the collapsing culmination of his family’s legacy.

  on the four occasions (off the top of my head) where she is saved by the gang, one results in sly becoming trapped himself (and after bentley frees them both, she then protects sly while he retrieves his cane), one is a time where they simply free her and she does the rest herself (causing sly and bentley to both remark at her violence), and one is an instance where she doesn’t even realise she’s in danger (expressing boredom at this fact). none of them are standard played-straight damsel-in-distress scenarios.

 in thieves in time she is relegated to being the angry ex/sex appeal/damsel-in-distress and pretty much nothing else. she has no role in the final battle other than being kidnapped while in the belly-dancing getup she is forced into (i’m not even exaggerating when i say ‘forced’, she does not agree to the plan at all and sly and bentley making her do it was totally out of character for our established ‘gentleman thief’ and his friend who frequently expresses concern for her safety in sly 2 and 3, despite often finding her presence troublesome).

 penelope is also treated badly. i don’t think making the only female protagonist into a money-hungry villain was ever gonna be a good move, but her being evil could’ve at least been executed well - she could’ve been a stronger main villain than le paradox (though tbh the bar is set SO LOW there). sadly, they just ended up butchering her character in what i think was supposed to be a half-assed parallel to neyla. suddenly she is motivated by “making millions” rather than her previous motive, which was to practise her hobby and be taken seriously - and, to nitpick, surely she had already made millions as the black baron? she lived in a fucking castle. being totally fair, i think sly 3 missed a lot of potential with penelope as well, and she was treated as a damsel-in-distress-type character on multiple occasions, but i always LOVED the part where she subverts that and ends up sword-fighting lefwee to save bentley. it’s probably one of my favourite bits in sly 3. she also saves murray twice (once single-handedly, once with panda king’s help), perhaps three times if you count her protecting the hangar in holland.

 like carmelita, penelope’s design is more sexualised in thieves in time, too: my feminist brain says this is Bad, but my sapphic brain says “hhhh cute mouse lady got thicc thighs now” and that, my dudes, is the only positive thing i have to say about her in thieves in time

[inspector-montoya-fox]

Ok my internet friends and enemies, it’s time to rank the villains’ motives for being villains. To no one’s surprise, I won’t be including Le Paradox because he’d automatically take the number 1 spot, I thought it’d be unfair to the other entries. Nothing trumps some classic nonsensicality, y’know. So let’s take a look:

12. Boredom - Sir Raleigh

At the bottom of my list is boredom. Because we all feel it and those long afternoons of having nothing to do most definitely warrant you to go out, engineer a giant whale machine for whatever the fuck, and become a modern day pirate basically. Raleigh 100% earns sympathy points. The froggy privilege here is so yuck, I can’t even explain. As if he wasn’t already rich like... trash. Garbage.

11. Pollution & Testosterone - Jean Bison

This guy went for a hike, got crashed by an avalanche, and woke up decades later to hold a grudge against nature for being frozen? You do understand that the ice literally saved your life, right? I mean, good for him for still staying motivated after so many years of being an icicle but chopping down trees? It’s a big no no. I love how bison are actually herbivores, so the idiot is literally just throwing out food.

10. Incel-ism - General Tsao & LeFwee

This entry making it into the top 10 by no means makes it valid. The lengths these two are willing to go just to get the girl is honestly frighteningly accurate. Tsao literally unearths a dragon, vampires, and ghosts in order to protect his forced marriage. And not once does he compliment Jing King in the process, like he probably doesn’t even like her ??? Instead of self-reflecting, perhaps going to therapy, these two prefer to lead a life of crime. Also, the fact that Tsao, who can’t get a woman to fall in love with him, is a huge cock. This shit writes itself, seriously.

9. Being Old ??? idk - Don Octavio

This is the last insanely bad one on the list but holy shit does this one make little to zero sense. Look, I’ve felt old at times. It’s not really nice when you talk about growing up watching Jungle Book on VHS and someone asks what VHS is. I’m 22 bitch not 982 look it up. Did people not knowing what VHS is make me want to blow up half of Venice and pollute its waters? It did not. What did the poor helpless fish do to you? Like why ???? There are people who still enjoy opera like I’m pretty sure Don Octavio didn’t even look for a new audience/ target demographic after the initial ticket sale drop. First not outsold gig and this bitch went to the Italian mafia to look for help.

8. Financial Gain - Dimitri

Crime for money is so zzz snooze fest, late 90s/ early 00s Powerpuff Girls villain, The Dark Knight opening scene but not really because that wasn’t really the point of it... that being said, it’s not lower on the list because I often think of what I’d do if I lived a life of wealth and luxury. Crime as a source of income is not fully respectable but not an abysmal motive like boredom for example. And I fully understand how Dimitri’s occupation as an artist could lead to him being in need for money - it’s tough as many of y’all already know. On the other hand, minus points for potentially causing inflation with his counterfeit operation.

7. Childhood Trauma + Rejection - Muggshot, Mz Ruby & Panda King

Boy do I feel for them. Probably the most relatable entry on the list because everyone has experienced this in one way or another. It’s not their fault society spat in their faces. The first game was out there trying to make a point about bullying’s long term effects with 3/5 of its villains displaying so. Does it justify their crimes? No. But lowkey good for them, I hope they’re thriving in prison.

6. Immortality - Neyla

Getting down to the big ones now. I’m happy SP scrapped their initial plan of making Neyla Rajan’s daughter because that might have made her a bit more humane or explained her motivations a bit better. But as it is, she’s batshit crazy. She loves no one, that’s why she doesn’t care about being immortal and witnessing everyone die around her. Her motive fits in with her plan so well, it’s so simple and yet so effective. The reason it’s not higher on the list is because immortality has been done so many times before and there was no new spin or anything. Her plan and her character are top-notch examples of writing, but, as much as I adore her being trigger-happy and un’inged with no villain origins or explanation, I would still like some sort of hint to it. She’s like the Joker of the series, an absolute enigma.

5. In Search for a (New) Body - Arpeggio & The Mask of Dark Earth

Is it stupid to think that we’ve all experienced some dissatisfaction with our appearance in the past? Even a single instance of any form of body dysmorphia? Maybe it’s a bit exaggerated of a claim but even so, I do feel for these two. Muggshot, Mz Ruby and Panda King experienced bullying because of stuff that was different but could change, like their interests and fitness. But body type and size isn’t adaptable like that. I do think Arpeggio took it to a bit of an extreme but that just shows the hurt he has over being smaller than the average bird. It’s sad how he was unable to embrace the permanence of his size, like he could be the Danny Devito of the series but eh whatever.

4. Misogyny - Penelope

Do I even need to explain this one? Girlboss. What a legend.

3. Something Too Complicated for Us Simple-Minded Fools - Rajan & The Contessa

I’ve tried to wrap my head around the motive for these two and I have failed. Rajan was initially in the financial gain entry but then I thought, he’s already rich? Same goes for the Contessa, who steals her prisoners’ hidden loot but is already a wealthy widow? The way these two carry themselves, what they say and the way they say it, as well as their crimes, just indicates that they think they have a higher purpose. And maybe they do, like maybe furry God spoke to them and told them they were meant for more. Sure, they were both underlings for Arpeggio, and in the end Neyla, but their side-hustles are so bizarre. I’m referring to Rajan’s reason for having the Clockwerk heart on his staff and the Contessa’s psychoanalysis of Sly. I’m like ????

2. Good Ol’ Revenge - Dr M

I know I said Neyla’s was overdone and it doesn’t get more overdone than revenge, but this one nabs the second spot because it initially starts as ‘Dr M is so evil he’s trying to open the Cooper Vault !!’ and then the way Dr Martin explains it makes us think he was actually the victim. And of course he was the victim. He was playing second fiddle to Connor and in the end got nothing. We practically know nothing about Sly’s dad but I choose to believe that he was the absolute worst, and that more than justifies Dr Milo’s motive. And I’m in love with stories that portray the protégé being blindly naive until they realise they’re fighting for an invalid cause. Except this never happens and Dr Mustafa dies, and I felt really bad for him like he and Sly should’ve negotiated something along the lines of splitting the Cooper Vault’s loot ?? He deserved better for sure because, unlike Muggshot, Mz Ruby and Panda King, he didn’t stray away from his path of revenge. He was solely interested in cracking open the vault like no world domination, no nothing (apart from maybe fusing innocent civilians together to make monsters).

1. Pure Hatred - Clockwerk

It doesn’t get any more evil than this. Clockwerk is the perfect balance between Neyla and Dr Matthew’s motives because it’s so ambiguous but we also receive little clues along the way. Frankly, we don’t know what kicked off the feud between him and the Coopers, but we know it’s spanned for centuries and his dialogue hints that it’s something more personal than just ‘i wanna kill an entire lineage of raccoons’. It’s up for interpretation but it makes him such an excellent villain. Like it’s pure hate, it’s uncontrollable and it’s such a big grudge that it’s been eternal. There’s no other crimes like illegal spice distribution or financial gain. He’s solely focused on destroying Sly and he’s assembled a team for it, he’s stolen the Thievius Raccoonus, and he’s built the most evil lair there is. Number 1 undoubtedly.

[extraneousdominomask]

Tbh I think penelope is extra enough to end up with a rwby type weapon if she shows up again,

Holy god now we’re talking

M: Pshuh, real scary, Penelope! Waving around a pointy stick from all the way over there.

P: Oh, Murray. You were always slow on the uptake. Visually speaking this appears to be nothing more than antique sabre, I grant you, but it contains a secondary functionality as a plasma-based high-energy matter destabilizer. 

M: ...Whuh?

[Murray suddenly finds himself running for cover as a deadly beam of pink energy cuts through the air.]

P: It’s also a laser!