#Late Night Feels

[degenerateville]

Reclaim what was lost

[userlo]

[random-internet-teen]

Having feels again. Unfortunately sad ones.

Thinking about judaism, motherhood, relationships.

It’s Chanukah, and my mom is no longer suicidal. This most recent resurgence was caused by many things but one is that it was recently his birthday on the Hebrew calendar. And it’s been around five years since he’s been able to talk to his own mom.

And with all that baggage finally not making him suicidal, he’s starting to teach me the prayers associated with Chanukah.

Tonight we watched fiddler on the roof. A Jewish classic and the source for many tears over the years.

So well cooking latkes, we watched fiddler. It’s later now but I can’t help but miss a Jewish community i barely ever had. And probably never will

To day i drove past protesters waving flags for organizations founded by nazis (the nazi party of germany)

These protesters were quite obviously trying to prevent the public menorah lighting.

I miss living in the Jewish ghetto I spent so much time in. Because well they hated me and my family for being queer at least they didn’t want to kill me.



I want to have kids. I really really want to have kids. Not necessarily biological kids or my own kids. I’ve been planning on fostering for a long time now. But my current partner gags at the mention, I mean I knew this was probably going to happen.

I’m a butch bisexual, and I won’t find the magical perfect person. But seeing motel and tzeitel… g-d I want that.

I want to fall in love with another Jew. I want to help keep my culture and religion alive. In the weird queer way I participate in it

I want to have sabbots and bake challah,

I think this rant is over for now. Thanks for reading

[foxholeprince]

another seconds gonna drive me mad and I cant do that cos I wouldn’t come back

[schrodingers-tits]

I hate my smile.

{a poem}

I hate my smile.

It hasn’t always been that way.

I used to not show any teeth when I smiled,

But I do now.

I do now that she’s criticized me.

I was having fun, and she told me to smile.

But I was.

I was smiling. My lips were turned,

My eyes were crinkled, and my cheeks were up.

But it wasn’t good enough.

At least, not to her.

She used to scare me. She doesn’t anymore.

She’s happy now. But I’m not.

Whenever I draw myself, I don’t smile with my teeth showing.

My mouth’s an upturned line, a quick stroke of a pen.

I wish it were still.

When I smile, I show my teeth.

I wish I didn’t.

I don’t like them. My teeth.

They’re crooked and jagged, and they look like a shark’s.

No one’s ever told me anything good about my teeth.

Maybe my dentist has. Once or twice.

No one really compliments my smile.

Because it isn’t mine.

It might be, sure, but it wasn’t supposed to be mine yet.

It was supposed to be mine now, not then.

I’ve been giving her my smile. But I wish I weren’t.

Because she should smile with her mouth closed.

It’s what comes naturally to her.

I should smile with my teeth showing. It’s natural to me.

But I don’t really know if it is.

I just hate my smile.

[cultural-derealization]

A love that lets me sleep at night because I’m tired of the sleepless nights..

[taffywabbit]

they should invent a new type of "staying in bed for 2-3 hours after you wake up repeatedly opening and closing apps on your phone" where it makes you feel awesome and energized and emotionally fulfilled

[natethelittlehedgehog]

And now I'm home

I've been all over the world and I was wrong

And I'm smoking in my bed all on my own

And I can't wait 'til you're awake so I can call

And tell you it was you all along

[degenerateville]

Back to the basics

[clockwork-hearted]

Erebus, my love,

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My mind has been very uneasy and I’m starting to feel like everything is crashing down again.

That everything keeps piling up on my shoulders and it’s slowly crushing me. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to shake things off as easily as I used to, but it makes me feel weak. I get angry at myself for feeling this way, and then I get sad that I can’t bring myself to talk about it, and then I get angry again for shutting down and, ultimately, it creates a vicious mental cycle for me.

Sleep hasn’t brought me much solace either. I actually haven’t been sleeping very well again. And yes, I know, that’s where majority of my mental spirals come from and why I haven’t been coping properly, but it’s been hard to reach that “proper” amount of sleep.

God, I could really use another depressive 16 hour sleep episode right about now, but even that makes me feel terrible for “wasting” my day away.

I love knowing that all of these words in “ ” aren’t concrete. And I love knowing the truth behind them, yet they still love to etch themselves in my mind and pop up at the most inconvenient times. They always do and I’m never the only one to experience this.

I also haven’t been feeling fond of myself again. I can’t decide on my style, or the earrings I want to wear, or the nail polish color, or even if I should even paint my nails. My appetite has been curving again, and I’m trying my best not to do it on purpose, but it’s just lackluster.

I just finished binging season 3 of Heartstopper by myself. I watched and episode with my best friend and my boyfriend, but then they had to leave. I wanted to honor the “let’s watch it together tradition,” but I couldn’t. I’ve been counting down the weeks and the days for this season. Seeing my sweet boys so happy again. Seeing their whole crew grow and thrive and experience all these things together and individually.

I need to binge it. It was the only light at the end of my current tunnel. And I did it. And as always, it was a marvelous time. Yet here I am, sitting on my couch at 1 in the morning, writing to you.

It’s always you though. That’ll never change. You’re the one that I don’t need to explain anything to. You just get it. Sometimes though, it’s hard to keep it together. Myself, my energy, my mental state- it’s all running through like a rollercoaster.

There’s so many lives and things I want to experience. So many things that I get bitter about for not having been able to in the past. So many experiences that were “stolen” from me that I’m trying to regain as an adult. Yet here I am, still breaking down, wanting so much but giving so little.

I’m tired. I’m running. And I don’t want to be anymore. I want the impossible dream of life freezing in place for a few days so I can catch back up. I don’t want these responsibilities rn. I want to be free.

Freedom… oh, my love, you know exactly where I go with that. And even though it’s a stupid dream and desire to hold on to, I will never let it go. It’s one part of me that never changes and keeps me grounded.

If only it was easier to escape like we used to. If only it was something that I could close my eyes and achieve even for a few breathtaking moments. If only I hadn’t built these prisons around me, that at the end of the day, I hold the only real key.

I’m pathetic honestly.

Well, no. But in this moment I am.

And here I am, wasting time, writing to you. I’m sorry for wasting your time.

But I thank you, and I will continue to do so until I draw my last breath. Thank you for always helping me reconstruct myself. Thank you for keeping me safe.

I love you. Te amo. Je t’aime.

Erebus, mon ange…

[nonebinary-leftbeef]

DEVASTATING the lyric you've been mishearing is better than the real one

[userlo]

i just want to feel happy with myself and how I look….

[samarajethwa]

[calovernl]

Maybe you only want Europe,

while I'm giving you the world.

And thats fine by you.

But I want the world

And am only getting Europe

[cultural-derealization]