#Lack of sleep is not helping me but I'm struggling to convince myself to sleep on time

[scaredofmyocs]

4 days in to the year and I am going to go crazy if litterally anything happens bc I need sleep

[reiderwriter]

May I please request a fic where Spencer finds out about the new female team member’s love for gaming by seeing her play her Nintendo Switch on the jet? Bonus if he sees her struggling to beat something like Five Nights At Freddy’s or Catherine Full Body and he helps her out much to her shock

A/N: Thanks for requesting! I'm not much of a gamer myself, so it took a while to figure out what I should write. I went with FNAF because I’ve literally been held hostage by that Josh Hutcherson Whistle tiktok for the last seven days, so I hope you enjoy!!

Warnings: mild spoilers for FNAF 4 Night 8, fluff.

“What is that?” Spencer asked casually, glancing over at the screen from his seat on the jet.

For some reason, despite facing monsters in real life, you'd been addicted to horror games in your downtime. Apparently, it was better for you if the crazy murderers were actually sentient animatronics possessed by the ghost of murdered children.

“It's a Nintendo Switch. It's a video game.” You replied without looking at him, heart racing from the pressure of the level.

“Like pacman?”

“Yes, Spencer, like pacman.” You sighed in frustration, trying to avoid running into the animatronics running around the building your character was supposed to be guarding.

“Then why is the screen black,” he said, just as Mad Freddy snuck up on you in the game and you lost the level. You sighed, head falling back in defeat.

You'd been stuck on night 8 of FNAF 4 for at least a week now, but who could blame you? You had to play completely in the dark, and you were dealing with some of the worst animatronics, too.

You'd been so happy to discover 20202020 mode, and you'd passed night 7 easy enough and they were honestly pretty similar, but one week into consistently playing it in all of your downtime, and you were seconds away from sacrificing your switch to the animatronic gods.

“It's supposed to make it more challenging. I think it's just impossible.” You threw the switch down, making sure all your progress (or lack of it) was saved.

“Can I try?” Spencer curiously asked from beside you, smiling at the soft pout on your face.

“Are you sure? It's not exactly your style…?”

“Humor me.”

You passed him the switch, showed him the controls, and snuggled back against your seat, eager to catch some sleep now suddenly. You had just closed a long case, and you may as well try to sleep now before the pile of paperwork made that impossible.

If it was easy to fall asleep, it was impossible to drag yourself from sleep.

You'd felt the familiar movements of the jet jostle you side to side, but you also felt a warmth next to your body that was too comfortable to convince you to even crack an eye open.

After a week on the case, plus a week trying to solve the game level, you really hadn't slept soundly in some time.

So when someone shook your shoulders, you simply ignored the motion again and cuddled closer to the arm and chest you'd wrapped yourself around.

Until you realised that the arm and chest had to belong to a person. And the only person that could be was Spencer Reid.

“It's okay, I'll wake her up, you guys go ahead.” You heard him say, with a few muffled voices agreeing.

You decided to just play dead as you heard the shuffling sounds of the rest of the team climbing off the jet. At which point you just happened to stretch yourself naturally out of your peaceful sleep.

“Spencer?” You yawned, trying to sound confused. “Did we arrive?”

You disentangled yourself from his body, realising that in facing him, your faces had hovered centimetres apart from one another. His breathing was calm, but you could feel his heart beating hard as you pulled away from him, mind racing at the not so innocent touches he traced down your skin as he let you go.

“Yeah, the team got off already. We should probably head out, too, before the cabin crew comes through to reset.”

You stood yourself up and grabbed your things, including your switch, now packed carefully into its carry case.

“So, you gave up as well, huh?” You laughed at the obvious sign of Spencer's white flag.

“What do you mean?” He said, grabbing his own bags now he was free from your grasp.

“The game? It was hard, right?” You smiled at him as he collected himself and turned back to you, pausing slightly.

“I finished the game.”

“What?” You whirled around on him, voice breaking through your lips before you could control it.

“I finished the game. I was just watching the credits when you… made yourself comfortable.”

You felt embarrassment spread through your body but pushed it down to make space for the sheer disbelief that known technophobe Spencer Reid had completed the video game you'd been struggling with for the past week.

“How?” was the only word that would leave your mouth as you froze in the aisle.

“There was a pattern to it. I realised if I went between the left door, the bed, and the right door, the fox thing-”

“Nightmare Foxy.”

“Right, Nightmare Foxy wouldn't come out of the closet. And then the others wouldn't pop up until 4am, and after that, it was pretty easy to get through.”

“Oh my god.” You stood in awe, blocking the aisle and forcing Spencer to stop next to you as well.

“You have to show me how. Please, Spencer, I need to see it.”

You hadn't realised your hand had crept up to grab his sleeve, pushing closer to him slightly.

“Are you free this weekend?” He whispered back at you as you realised that the space between you was miniscule. You could only nod your confirmation enthusiastically.

“Then it's a date.” He whispered again, pushing past you and letting himself off the jet.

[idrinkteawhenifeeldeadinside]

Pit Babe episode 1 rewatch/live commentary (part 1)

Intro = 🔥🔥🔥

Hi Winner (Pop 😍)

Hiiii Dean 💗(Lee is so beautiful i might cry 🥹)

Also, Sonic red coat is ICONIC. And Dean being the cutest little fanboy (and he's wearing BLUE🥲)!

Get your hands off of him Way!!!.......Get you f**king lips off of him😡 !!!!!!!!

Alan being the one spotting Winner 😂

Oooooh.....i wonder who's that masked man.....(Is it my 17th rewatch ? Yes. Do I still react like it's the first time i'm watching this? Also yes)

Aww he's cute

Multiple time, i asked myself "when did Babe start to have a soft spot for Charlie ?" The answer -> right in this hallway, while pinning him against the wall ! (is it true, probably not...am i right, yes...argue with the wall)

Obviously following him in the locker room is the right/only option, well played Charlie -

Now, that some heavy promises you're making Charlie

You can literally SEE Charlie reshaping all his plan during Babe's proposition

Do you know how many time i watched this scene before catching Babe biting his lips, hm ? Way to many

i'm shit at making gif

Charlie look sooo wide in this scene

"i won't allow you to stop"...you mean like you "totally" didn't stop that other guy ...🤨

That first tiny smile when Charlie looks at him, the slight cross-eyed look followed by a confused one...and all that BEFORE smelling him for the first time...

Now i wonder, did Babe ever had 100% enjoyable sexual encounter before Charlie ? Without having to push through it despite the sensory overload, just to achieve some semblance of stability/peacefulness ? Did he ever get to leave a trail of kiss/hickey along the neck of his partner before the smell made him sick ?........okay now i made myself sad (note : all of this is about series!Babe not book!Babe, since i didn't read the novel😅)

He's not just taking Charlie smell with is nose, he's also tasting it. And then it hits him, it's good and then.....the sheer joy on his face🥹 Pavel killed it in this scene

That boy is sooo smug

Hiiii Dean🥰 (again), love the jacket

If you search the definition of "personal space", you can be sure that NorthSonic will never appear in the result

Dean sliding his glass over Charlie ENTIRE torso😳

You cannot convince me that Winner is NOT looking at DEAN !

Aww, it look like Alan tucked Dean under his arm ( Side n°1 note, but Dean look quite uncomfortable - for a lack of a better word- until Winner shift his "attention" on Charlie -> not helping with the WinnerDean Brainrot) (Side note n°1.5 SailubLee or maybe it's AlanDean 🤷‍♀️)

Side note n°2 WinnerBabe(PopPavel)

Watching Charlie struggle under Winner arm is quite funny once you know that he could just...grab his arm throw him over his head, wrestling style 🤣🤣🤣(Side note n°3 PopPooh)

Charlie regretting his life choice

Girls !!!!

I don't think having him in the car with you is your brightest idea Babe......

or maybe Babe is a math/physics genius and after some reeeaaaaly quick calculation, decided that the added weight would not affect his driving.........Moving on!!!

Love Way 's fuzzy cardigan (one of the only nice thing i will about him, before a loooonnng time)

Charlie regretting his life choice part 2

Sonic stealing the show !!!

Why is that door open ?!

Intense eyes contact ✅

He really said "i'm not get any closer to you" XD

Sonic and Dean in the background, they're so cute (hello North tummy !)

He's already getting fond of Charlie....poor Babe, he didn't stand a chance

Now, if Babe had accepted Charlie offer to come sleep at his condo, would he have met Jeff ? And more importantly, would the two of them have done IT with Jeff in the next room ??? (There is only one right answer and it's YES)

And that it for now ! I will do the rest tomorrow morning after doing some work relate stuff

[foxglovetawny]

My BSD kins and why I kin them:

I don't actually have a lot but I wanted to make this list regardless

Dazai

I kin Dazai mostly because I'm a compulsive, pathological liar. When faced with a conflict, my first instinct is to lie. Regardless of who I'm lying to(myself, my family, my friends, etc). This habit has made me very good at lying. So much so that I have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest to my friends and family in order to avoid them posessing negative views towards me. I don't like lying and I try not to, but I simply do not understand why it's bad.

On a deeper level, I kin Dazai because I'm constantly seeking for a reason to live. Everyday I wake up without motivation to do anything, and I go to sleep with dread that I will wake up the next day. Life is just an ongoing loop of meaningless events. I feel as though I have a gaping hole in my chest, and I constantly try to fill that hole with my lies. I make jokes about wanting to die and act childish around my friends as a coping mechanism. I constantly tell myself, "My friends and family really do care about me," but it simply does not work. I feel only capable of feeling empathy(not sympathy), because I can't understand other people's pain until I go through it myself. This results in my lack of understanding of why most morals are the way they are.

Chuuya

I kin Chuuya mostly because I'm short. I constantly get made fun of for my height and weight. I am forced to turn to violence on a weekly basis, simply because no one takes me seriously. I fear the appearance of weakness, so I either compress my emotions or express them in a form of anger. I have not cried in a year due to this. I talk about the people I care about a lot, but in a way that doesn't express my regard for them. Sometimes I'll call them when I'm not in my right mind, just to call them slurs(dont worry I can say them). They find this entertaining. I would sacrifice my reputation and risk everything to avenge my friends, even if it may not be possible at the moment.

Ranpo

Ranpo lower on the list because I don't kin him that much. Though I am not that intelligent, my intelligence is like Ranpo's. Instead of creating plans to reach my goals like Dazai and Fyodor does, I'm more able to notice patterns in behavior. This allows me to deduce certain things about people, including their insecurities, occupation, and type of intelligence. I used to be able to figure out people's class schedules back in high school using small clues I picked up in their dialogue.

Unfortunately, I still don't understand people. I constantly struggle to fit in and I don't know why. It feels like everyone gets each other while I'm just the outlier. I ache to be like everyone else, but I have accepted that such a thing is unachievable.

Nikolai

I kin Nikolai because I feel trapped. I feel like my emotions are limiting me. Being an HSP, I am more empathetic than normal. Actions that remind me of my own past experiences deeply effect me, and I want to be free from them. I don't want to feel emotional attachment, but I can't help it. Like Dazai, I constantly mask my emotions and appear to be childish and immature. I am a sadist, but I can't tell whether I actually feel pleasure in seeing other people's pain, or if it is just another lie I have convinced myself of to make myself feel more free.

------

Side note: I've only read and watched bsd once so some of these might be wrong, please cut me some slack lmao.

[stilljuststardust]

Hey Star, ✨ , I am again

Actually I'm affirming, but when I went to sleep I play some alpha waves and subliminal and I always affirming like "I'm in void"," void is easy" , but I fell asleep, didn't get enter in void, in morning when I wake up I feel so sad , guilty and drained, I know it's wrong but I can't help to being disappointed, It took me 2/3 hours to convince myself, then again I feel energetic,

What to do ? I'm new in this journey, I know about void only 8/9 days

Answer "what do I do":

Hello lovely great to hear from you again.

I think you're judging yourself too harshly and too soon. You aren't doing anything wrong. I know it's easy to get discouraged but feeling disappointed does not equal a lack of progress. The way you are feeling while valid and real, is NOT a reflection of your ability to reach void state.

I am guilty of this too. When I have hormonal fluctuations or I don't sleep well I often default to "well I feel like shit so I must be doing something wrong"

Stop being so hard on yourself. We've been raised our whole lifetime to believe that what we see is all there is. It makes sense that people struggle with the idea that they are fully capable when we've been raised to believe the opposite.

Have compassion for yourself. The best thing you can do for your journey is be kind to yourself.

We enter the void state every time we fall asleep, I promise you can do it.

I would recommend LOA (law of assumption). Assume that you can. Know that in the 4D you already have everything you've been working towards.

"but it's been-"

Time isn't real.

When I tell you you have it I mean literally you do. The 4D is real. Change your thoughts change your reality.

Earlier in March I had a realization about my own mindset and my own journey. I wrote down a note for myself. Maybe it'll help you:

"you have confused wishing and being, you must accept the 4D instead of chasing after it"

Assume you can enter the void and you will. Assume you are the void.

[tigreblvnc]

BLUE LOCK MATCHUP EXCHANGE — @lapsthings

Your match is...

— Seishiro Nagi

✦ (Yes, A Clockwork Orange is my favorite movie. I read the book too and, in French, they did a wonderful translation. Burgess invented a language inspired by Russian, and it's very impactful. There's some words that I still remember even though it's been almost 7 years since I read the book.) (I could speak of this masterpiece for hours! I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your reading.) (Did you know that it's also Shidou's favorite movie?)

✦ (ANYWAY.)

✦ I had this sleepy genius boy in mind all along while reading your bio, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to match him with you.

✦ At the same time, how could I not? He appears way too many times in your words for me not to think of him.

✦ But I kept asking myself: "If I pair her with Nagi, she'll never go out again."

✦ "Is this really what we want, Suo?"

✦ Heh, I don't make the rules.

✦ Or, maybe I do.

✦ Well, welcome to your best sleeping partner, I guess.

✦ I think as long as he's with someone who's not boring or too loud, he's cool.

✦ Nagi... is always cool.

✦ "I don’t have any siblings." You're like his twin sister, lost somewhere before the start of the show, you know? Nagi's the brother you wish you had, somehow.

✦ "Whenever I go to a convention or an anime store, I spend a good 30 minutes deciding which figure to buy, but since I’m indecisive, I end up getting both of them. I also buy or help pay for my friends more often than not, so I’m always broke. They even came up with a motto: 'Buy now, regret later.'" You know the best thing I find in this description is the fact that you're actually going out. Even Nagi struggles with that.

✦ Good point: you convince him to put his shoes on since he might be interested in the merchandise you buy.

✦ I can see some lazy dates outside, mainly for playing at the arcades or buying trinkets and anime goodies. From the outside, you two look like brother and sister.

✦ That's the core of your relationship, a bit.

✦ I can't see Nagi in any relationship, but I can totally picture him always calling the same person to do non-boring activities. It's normally Reo's role, but Reo isn't always around.

✦ And Reo hasn't always been in Nagi's life.

✦ "I struggle to continue conversations, so I’d say I’m not that good at talking either. I may come across as indifferent or uninterested, which is why I also kind of struggle to make friends." Nagi looks uninterested, and most of the time, he is.

✦ "When giving opinions, I try to be honest, though I do sugarcoat it sometimes." Here, Nagi doesn't.

✦ In fact, the two of you remind me of two baby pandas, a bit lost, always in their beds.

✦ But you are very similar and at the same time, very different. Like black and white merging.

✦ The possibility that you met each other in an online game is huge, I won't lie.

✦ "Dislike: lack/bad communication." This is the biggest pet peeve with Nagi—the lack of communication. This is what led him and Reo to separate, with Reo thinking Nagi had abandoned their dream while Nagi was actually doing his best to reach their common goal.

✦ You can't expect anything from Nagi, but he may expect some things from you.

✦ Yes, that's unfair.

✦ Yes, that's Nagi.

✦ Yes, I chose this match.

✦ (Hahahahaha)

✦ (I regret nothing.)

✦ He never forces you to do anything, though. You're still free to go, doing your own thing while he does his.

✦ In my opinion, the best balance someone can have with Nagi is to play with him occasionally and then say, "Bye bye, see you next time."

✦ Nagi's like his cactus, Choki, after all. Never feed him too much, or he'll die.

✦ You know what I mean since you have YOU'VE HAD your own Choki too.

✦ He finds it cool that you can play instruments.

✦ He also "gently" asks you to play in another room because you make too much noise.

✦ The moments when Nagi is the sweetest are when he wants to try a new game but doesn't want to play alone. Reo isn't interested, so Nagi calls you instead.

✦ I can totally hear him calling you "buddy" or "man."

✦ He reads mangas on his phone too. I think he's the best at knowing the top websites to read tons of scans, so when your favorite site is taken down, Nagi sends you a copy-paste list on Discord.

✦ You two are totally the type to live under the same roof but communicate with each other via texts or weird, unfinished voice messages. It's too boring to speak out loud to someone who's in the room next door.

✦ "Giving: Acts of Service, Gift giving." Let's be honest, he's totally in sync with your love languages.

✦ Always asking you to carry him from one room to another.

✦ He's surprisingly not that heavy.

✦ But 190 cm doesn't lie.

✦ Long silences may occur between you. From the outside, people might even think the house is empty.

✦ The best part about that? You love these moments where no one is talking. You feel comfortable because this is how you like being around others.

✦ So he treasures the fact that you don't talk too much.

✦ Sometimes you forget that you're not alone in the house.

✦ It may give you a fright when you hear a door open.

✦ Or when it's 3am, you're in your pajamas, nose buried in your phone, and you go downstairs only to bump into each other.

✦ "Oh my god. You were there all along???"

✦ "Yeah. You too?"

✦ Actually, it's like you're sharing a flat.

A word about your match: When I read a Nagi-like bio, I usually think of pairing with an opposite character to create a balanced relationship. But your words and facts convinced me to go all the way and choose the laziest soccer player the world has ever seen.

© TIGREBLVNC 2024 | INTERESTED IN A MATCHUP EXCHANGE? CHECK THIS.

[sahhr-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - JULY 1, 2024

I have my send up exams starting from tomorrow on the 2nd of July. It's just this very moment I've realised that July started just a few minutes ago. Time is passing rather quickly and much more quicker than I can even comprehend it passing.

I haven't prepared for these exams at all. It's not me exaggerating out of lack of self esteem or self confidence. There are no excuses but there are plenty explanations as to why.

I momentarily lost to my demons. I don't know if calling the defeating voices even demons is right because I don't really mind them. They aren't Villains to me. Just companions. Companions capable of convincing me to self sabotage pretty well.

I gave up fighting for a while. I wasn't eating or sleeping let alone studying. Something in me just couldn't, it didn't even matter that I had wanted to. I just couldn't.

So during those days— I skipped dinner, lunch and breakfast. I slept at 4-6 am. I survived on eating snacks once a day and it didn't even matter because I didn't have any appetite at all.

I still don't have an appetite.

Then I came across a post here that talked about having to start from the scratch— eating was one of those things. I'd forgotten that for me to sometimes become functional — I need to always start from scratch.

So I made sure I was eating atleast no matter what. Then it went to sleep— and I made myself sleep before 2 am atleast. Then it went to hygiene— brushing teeth, bathing. Then to studying and getting other things done.

I haven't been able to study without a show running in the background. So today I allowed myself to body double by letting a serial run in the background. That helped me study through most of the day. I was extremely slow but I studied.

The guilt always remains because I see others who don't need all this. They study the "proper" way. My voices make me guilty when I don't study like the "normal" people. My mind tends to resist everything.

No one realises that the things that people don't even think before getting done are the very same things that are tasks for me.

People around me don't know I struggle like this, neither does my family because I know they won't understand, they can't help me and that would make everything feel so much worse. You know there comes a point when you get tired— of having to explain and still not feeling like you are being heard, understood or seen. Thats what it feels like and I feel like a burden. My problems are my own to solve. I cannot, will not burden someone with this.

But I know this isn't depression— I don't feel sadness. I feel sad at the fact that I can't function the way normal people rather than being not able to function because I'm sad. I felt scattered.

So, for the days I couldn't functional — I couldn't prepare. So I fear I might fail all my exams. I don't know.

Cheers to breaking down and getting back up again.

[pick-me-up-im-scared]

Sea You Again (Fluff) (Hiccup x Mermaid), Chapter 1: What Was That?

Author´s Note: I've been reading a lot of "Hiccup x Mermaid" lately. I actually don't know why since I didn't thought I would like them. But, surprisingly, I did! It made my imagination go off and now I want to try to make my own attempt. And "yes", the title for this "book" is a pun. Sue me!

Words: 692

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Hiccup's pov:

Being the Chief of Berk, well New Berk, has really been taking a tole on me. All the new responsibilities I've got has really been overwhelming. Makes me wonder 'how did my father do it so well?'. Even though it's been a while since I inherited the "Chief"-title, I'm still struggling. But I have got a few "tricks" to help me. One being me going down to the water by the end of every day. I've found this ocean with a beach connected to it, which allows me to get the taste of the water without actually getting wet. I like to just sit there, enjoying to peacefulness of the water. Being able to rest my mind that's so hyper the rest of the days. Usually, Toothless likes to join me. We don't get that much bonding time with him being the new alpha and me being the Chief. So I value these moments really high nowadays. It's crazy how things you took for granted when you were 18 now takes place as your most precious things. But I guess he values chasing a rabbit over spending time with me.

As I looked at the mountain on the opposed side of the ocean, I could have sworn I saw something moving in the corner of my eye. In the water. Out of reflex, I snapped my head at the direction I, half a second ago, had seen something... moving. I let my eyes go from left to right, scanning everything 110% that's in my field of sight. But with no luck. Knowing my lack of sleep, I convince myself 'it was probably just some illusion'. Just as I was about to go back to my mountaingazing I saw it again. This time by a rock, only a few meter away from where I'm sitting. It being so close to me allowed me to hear it too. Water waving, due to its movements, and..... clicking?

I walked towards the rock, trying my best to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to scare it way. As I reached the water I knew I was screwed. There's no way the "creature" behind the rock won't hear me now. I looked down, praying for my steps to not flop so much. But of course it didn't help. As I raised my glance at the rock again, with an unamused face, I quickly stopped in my tracks. My expression changed to a shocked one. By the side of the rock I could see a face peaking out.... a human face. Even though I only saw half of it I could still tell we had eye contact. Its (e/c) eye looked deep inside my emerald green ones. My mind was racing, trying to tell me what to do. Should I walk up to it and risk being eaten alive? Should I run back to the village? Still standing in my spot, I unmanageably began to fall. I felt as my legs no longer could hold me up. As if a 100 kilos worth of weight was thrown onto me. The shock of seeing the face, apparently, lead to me passing out. Right where I was standing. A thump and I was under water. I felt the water surrounding my face and slowly clogged my airways. Just before I went unconscious I felt a pair of arms around my waist, pulling me up.

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Auther´s Note: Hope you liked the first chapter on this book. I'm already working on the second one, so I hope I'll be able to publish it very soon. Also, this chapter was kind of short, I'll aim to make the other chapters around 1000 words.

[xeroscribed]

So, uhhhh...

I broke

Just like that, huh (definitely not typing rn to try and hold myself together 🙃)

I

Hmm

Fuck

Yeah, there have been signs, and [I really should smoke more] it finally came to a head.

"You're making yourself upset?"

"If I'm hearing wrong, I must be senile/I should go and get my hearing checked."

"Oh, so I'm the reason your life is so bad, am I?"

Etc.

Etc.

Sigh

Well [breathes], I understand my tension, my stress, my inactivity

No, it is not all her.

No, I did not tell her this

I'm kinda just finally realising it

This voice I've been fighting, that's been slowly creeping it's way back into the drivers seat with me lacking awareness of how significant the impact

For a few nights running, early this week, I struggled to sleep. Jerking awake as I dozed off at the sudden incomprehensible rage I heard quietly blaring in the back of my mind, as if in real time.

And I've no idea what words were said, or when. Something like a disembodied voice. An echo of a memory of a moment lived so many times over they've blended to one passage of indistinguishable vitriol hurled over decades with reckless abandon. No words to be placed but the undeniable cadence of the maternal howl. [Gone the wonder of why I excel at recognising voices].

.

The agonising pleading with the girl in the mirror, only increasing; I know that you're in there, so why won't you listen?

The constant convincing still so unconvincing

.

The frustration at the name in the bubble of notification. The constant exhaustion. The tension. The waning of patience.

There, you see...

I'm feeling okay.

Breathing somewhat steadily

Declining heart rate.

I'm straight.

So there was a moment. And-

A less evolved version of me would think my ma did it on purpose to force interaction or just to be petty.

Because after days on end of getting it right, she somehow gets it wrong. And gets me. In a gesture way off.

But...

I'm above that line of thinking and it helps me not

Fuck it.

Either way, interaction was had. A question asked. A tone misperceived. A flame thrown back. Which, at this moment - too hot to handle. But I do. Unsteady-like until I catch myself and...

I calmly highlight, yet again, this problem I'm having [we're having, but i digress]

See

Ffs

It's so frustrating

Yes, this is gaslighting.

But being gaslit by a person who doesn't actually understand that they're doing it.

Who is so trauma bound that they would swear blind if anyone were doing the harm it is you.

For being tense like you are. For avoidance. For snapping sometimes. For addressing the issue.

Here. I have to lead with understanding first. I have to moderate her emotions and redirect her to the topic at hand and manage her way of thinking and reiterate my point and do it all calm, don't dare raise your voice and-

Fuck

I have been thinking and writing in this stupid lyrical manner. This sing-song nursery rhyme bullshit.

Last night, for some reason, recollections of past traumas. Of hygiene. Of solitude. Of lessons in abandon.

Things I am still ashamed of.

But wish to speak on. Because there are so many of us. Hidden. Getting by

Getting on. Battling our demons.

Some, like me, still living with them. At least... that's what she thinks. I don't share the opinion.

I said I broke. It was... incredibly emotional and vulnerable and-

You can't show your pain because it's seen as a tool to make them feel guilty and feel like the fool so they flip it back on you without a care what you've said coz it's easier to claim they'd be better of dead than to take a step back and to listen instead.

I heard you I heard you. Then exaggerates context. Exaggerates impact. Inflates the intent and warps it to suit their ego.

.

This is the matter at hand. This is the plainness of speech. This is the intent.

Do not take to heart the things you think that I meant.

Do not ruminate on your past wounds or fears of your failure [the ones I'm beginning to share].

Do not put on me all the harm of past aggressors. Of the attitudes I've shed. Of the fallacies in your head.

.

"Well, I can't help it, can I!?"

I ask you, who can?

If not you than who?

Not seeking apology. Don't want you to feel bad.

Just asking you to see me as I truly am.

See the work I've put in. See the intention within. See the years of the patience and commitment that's been repairing this ship, drawing us closer, trying to establish something vaguely familial.

.

Yet you see me. Villain. Who hates. And spits sin. Who lies and denies you your right to feeling.

.

Here am I sharing this ache in my chest, this knot in my gut, and this pit in my head.

"It's always about what I'm doing to you!".

I've had an ear worm lately: "I need you, too". Still don't know what it means. Don't think I'm meant to. Not ready yet.

.

You ever notice when one has just formed?

"You're upsetting yourself/You're getting yourself upset."

Because everything is always repeated. They want you convinced.

That's the moment I realised the futility of going further. I'd said what I'd said. Clarified. Reiterated. Took my time. Found my patience.

I stopped. Composed myself. Said goodnight.

Again: Please remember the words that I've said. Please do not focus on what you think I meant.

A final attempt to beg. To plead. That she'll hear me this time.

Coz its taking it's toll. On my soul.

Oh yeah, that's the revelation.

See

That voice is winning. My energy waning. My faith fading. My hope withered.

And instead of knowing I'm good and great, I'm trying repetition hoping the thought integrates.

Like it had before.

But I'm battling two voices.

Both equal in strength.

One cultivated by me, with unending resistance.

The other, nurtured and festered inside. The one I seek to hide.

I

Had manage to quell it, pushed it to the side.

I was golden. Confident. I'd finally found pride.

And now both the knowing and the fearing have taken up residence. Battling it out for the number one spot.

And as I look out, I see the crowd forming.

The faces of friends. Some clear as day. Some so distant.

Some I can hear. Some I just get a glimpse of. But what carries through; words of love and peer wisdom.

That's one side. With the sun. With the me fueled by loving.

.

The other. Barren. Cept for one figure.

One I try not to witness til she toes the line to the sunny side. A gift yet a rarity.

Typically, she resides in the shady seats but stays squinting. The most notable impression of the twisted expression.

Some days are more dreary. And I can't see her clearly. But her voice steady travels on the wind and whips through me.

.

I watch these two battle it out - the crowd cheering.

But that voice doesn't shout. It whispers so clearly.

And the wounded looks through you: I know you can hear me.

.

Those supporters, so loving, well their chants are drowned out. And the two are left standing in a haze of pure doubt.

Neither sure. Both uncertain. Of which one will win.

Sometimes I think it's a matter of time.

Eventually the clock runs out and the stands will be missing their most loyal voyeur.

All that will remain will be sunshine and well wishes.

But its not really so dire. I suppose.

I recognise now what has it's hand round my throat.

May I not amplify it.

May I stand by the sunny side and know that clouds pass and find my place in the rain.

Let it wash over and all that malarkey.

So much has been said. So much I will probably read again and find lacking sense.

But you cannot tame a beast you have not named and I've named it. I know it. And I'm bound to defeat it.

So fuck it.

In the meantime, keep it going.

Find peace. Things will improve. It's just trauma. Not you.

You're better for knowing.

[aonoexpat]

21-10-2023

A lot has happened, and I haven't been able to sit down and write about it. I'll do this in chronological order!

The guy that had helped me fix my sink turned out to also(!) have very little understanding of the real meaning of consent, and had the appalling audacity to tell me to my face that me being uncomfortable with his advances was "my fucking problem." I got really pissed off and left that loser in a dust cloud, went to the beach to clear my head, and then backtracked along the same road to get him off my trail. I camped out in a paid campsite, trying to get a sense of safety and security before I responded to the text he thought it would be okay to send me afterwards, telling him to delete my number and never approach me again. I felt very upset about the whole situation, because I consistently try to put myself out there, to connect with people, and I am too regularly met with such complete disregard for my boundaries. It makes me want to just shut myself down and not talk to people any more, if that's the only thing that guarantees being respected. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to live like that because of men like him, and the one from a couple days before. I'm trying to focus on being proud that I took care of myself and was assertive enough to put some distance between him and me.

So, I gathered myself, had a well-deserved hot shower and a vegan crêpe from an amazingly kind French lady who looked absolutely awesome in her Halloween makeup, and got myself ready to get back on the road. I did find a pretty cool spider in the camp kitchen, which got me proper scared because I thought it could be a (venomous) whitetail, but I think it was a grey house spider instead. I caught it by throwing my knife over the spot where it was dangling from the ceiling, sending it crashing to the table, and then quickly planting a glass over top of it, which I was actually really proud of:

After checking out of the campsite, I took a walk along Ship Creek beach to process the fact that I had officially made it to Te Waipounamu's West coast, all by myself this time! That afternoon I found myself in Te Moeka o Tūawe, wondering if the hike up to the glacier viewpoint would be worth the trouble, especially since the day had turned really cloudy really quickly. I ended up asking somebody who had just gotten back from the hike, and from the photos they showed me I think I'm glad I didn't take the chance, because the view was very underwhelming. I spent the evening cooking a proper meal, watching my shows and calling my dad. I went to bed early, because I had big plans for the next morning: getting up at 06:00 to drive out to Lake Matheson and hike the loop track, so I could watch the sunrise over Aoraki (Aotearoa's highest mountain peak, at 3,724 meters, which I had previously seen from the other side during the Hooker valley track, which was a really cool realisation!) and Horo-kōau (3,497 meters). That early in the morning the lake was quiet, making it almost a perfect mirror for the mountain range. It was genuinely one of the most magical things I've seen in a long time (thank you Liv for the tip!), and I had a great view of Fox Glacier from the viewpoints as well:

By the time I made it back to the car park, both mountain peaks had gotten covered in clouds, and they wouldn't be visible again all day. I'm so grateful that I got there in time, and got to see the mountains like that. And I met some really cool birds (a kea and a kererū) on my walk as well!

I took a quick nap in my car to make up for the lack of sleep the previous night, and then continued on my way to the next glacier: Kā Roimata o Hine Hukatere, which is Te Reo Māori for “Tears of the Avalanche Maiden”. It was named this after a legend of Hine Hukatere, who was an avid mountaineer. Her lover Wawe wasn't as fond of the mountains as she was, but she convinced him to come along with her for her next trip. As they climbed, Wawe struggled to keep up with her, and eventually slipped and fell to his death. Hine Hukatere watched him fall but could not prevent his death. “Her grief was so pronounced and her tears so excessive that the gods froze them as a perpetual memorial of her regret and sorrow."

By now the weather had turned, and it was raining almost non-stop. I made good use of one of the dry moments to undertake the hike to Callery gorge, which ended atop a (albeit slightly precarious) swing bridge that offered beautiful views of the icy-blue glacier melt waters entering the river:

In the late afternoon I finally laid eyes on the glacier itself, and it was a humbling experience. My eyes really didn't know what to make of the white, dirt-speckled mass in the distance at first, and I wasn't even sure if I was seeing the whole thing, or if part of it was still shrouded in clouds. I stayed in that valley for a long time, just marveling at the gorgeous view:

Just as it started raining again, I resumed my way, and I found a freedom camping spot near Hokitika for the night.

I ended up staying in that exact spot for two days, because the rain and wind were relentless and never-ending. I spent a significant portion of the time just closing and opening and closing Elrond's windows as the rain came and went and came back. Going outside was not appealing, let alone hiking. It was much nicer to stay in bed, block out the noise of the weather with my headphones and rest. I even ate my dinner cold because cooking was not an option!

As the visitor center in Hokitika told me the next day, apparently the West coast of Te Waipounamu was being hit with a bout of bad weather before it officially welcomed summer. I had to put my plans on hold for a couple more days to wait out the worst of it, because I really didn't want to do the beautiful hikes I had planned in the rain. So, not wanting to spend the next four days in my car alone, I booked myself into a campsite in Kumara for three nights. This ended up being one of the best decisions of my whole trip! I met two wonderful women there, who were in the exact same situation: heading North, but waiting for the weather to improve. We instantly connected, and we talked for hours. We went grocery shopping together and went for a nice little hike to old mining tunnels in the Māwhera area in the pouring rain, which was quite the adventure. I got my fill of Wi-Fi and using it to watch stupid videos, and I finally managed to catch up on the first five episodes of the new season of Our Flag Means Death! Definitely recommend this kiwi-starred, heartwarming comedy series about 18th century pirates really just doing their best.

It's quite late right now so I'm going to end this here, but much more to come soon! I'm truly having the best time this past week and a half, and I'll soon tell and show you more reasons why. But I just wanted to say how happy I am, how proud I am of how far I've come, and how grateful I am to get to (soon) end this Te Waipounamu trip on a fantastically high note. Much love ❤️

[senkuplushie]

I posted 295 times in 2022

That's 295 more posts than 2021!

60 posts created (20%)

235 posts reblogged (80%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@megacarapa

@alexlovebug

@stonesparrow

@shishiodtorasstuff

@sengenarchives

I tagged 120 of my posts in 2022

#dr stone - 54 posts

#senku - 47 posts

#drstone - 46 posts

#senku ishigami - 44 posts

#ishigami senku - 41 posts

#drst - 40 posts

#dcst - 36 posts

#gen asagiri - 13 posts

#asagiri gen - 13 posts

#anime - 12 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#but then i remembered what i heard about him studying social rules and human minds because he wanted to better understand people

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Fever- Senku x Reader [More Angsty Fluff... 🌧]

        Oof... I'm never gonna stop beginning new stories that I'll never finish, huh? Oh, well. I gue\ss it's fine, as long as I'm keeping myself occupied ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ the angst is much lighter with this one, but I still included it because of how worried [y/n] becomes.

        Not me trying to write a fic about a scientist with the flu when I hardly know anything about medicine 🤡

        Time period: Mid season 2, shortly before Chrome was rescued from Tsukasa [my memory is a little fuzzy...]

        a quiet sigh escaped your lips, which were mildly chapped as a result of the dry winter, as you stared into the laboratory. you knew senku had gone much longer without any sleep, but it still worried you to see him up and working after at least three days of him not having even a bit of rest. there was nothing that even you, his partner of one year, could do to convince him to lie down for just a few hours.

        the lack of sleep really can't be good on his immune system, and it doesn't help that flu season is starting... fuck.

        the scientist was clearly exhausted; there were bullets of sweat running down his face, he was obviously struggling to stand, and you could tell it was taking all of his energy for him to resist the urge to faceplant onto the table.

        still, you didn't bother to say anything. no matter what you did or said, senku always brushed off his physical condition like a minor inconvenience. trying to reason with him about it almost always felt like talking to a wall.

        although, you didn't want to waste any more time, so you decided to return to the tasks that had been assigned to you. at least, that was the case before you heard a thud from the aforementioned lab.

        concerned, you poked your head around the corner of the doorway.

        you found senku lying on the floor, although he didn't seem to be injured. instead, he looked rather relaxed; his eyes were half-lidded, and he was looking up at you with a small smile.

        "uh...? what are you doing?" you asked worriedly.

        "mm... i'm just gonna take a nap..." he replied, visibly disoriented.

        shit, that's not like him.

        "...on the floor? wait, no, don't--"

        before you could say anything else, senku seemed to have already drifted off to sleep--not only that, but he'd readjusted his position and hugged your leg before doing so.

        "um... okay, then..."

        you were tempted to leave him there and let him get some sleep, but you knew better. there was a high chance that, rather than simply being exhausted, he could've contracted some kind of illness--most likely the flu. thanks to the god-awful amount of manual labor you had done, you didn't find it horribly difficult to pick him up. you carried him over to the treehouse, carefully laid him over your shoulder, and made your way up the ladder.

        there were quite a lot of random containers lying around on the floor from a previous experiment, so you cleared those out of the way before placing him down on the sock-like sleeping bag. at the same time, you couldn't help but notice how abnormally warm he felt, along with how much sweat was dripping off of his forehead. well, damn. that's definitely a fever--feels like a pretty severe one, too.

        even though you were a bit frustrated at him for not being more careful to avoid catching the illness, you still sat beside him to make sure nothing terrible happened while he was asleep.

        thanks to the lack of advanced medicine, you couldn't help but feel worried for senku. who knew how severely the virus would end up affecting him? especially when considering his already-weakened state, there were so many ways it could've turned out--most of them absolutely awful. even if it didn't end up killing him, you knew very well that the poor guy was going to be absolutely miserable. a more twisted part of you hoped he would remain unconsious because of the fever for most of the time he suffered with the sickness, so he wouldn't have to deal with it as much, but you knew that would definitely have its own complications.

        every few minutes, you found yourself repeatedly placing the back of your palm on his forehead to make sure his fever wasn't getting any worse. it never really did, even though you occasionally tricked yourself into believing it was [out of anxiety].

        a few hours passed before you decided to stand up. still, you didn't consider leaving the ill scientist's side in the slightest. as far as you knew, his condition wasn't getting any worse--though, it wasn't seeming to get any better, either.

        then, as you took a few steps away, you heard a quiet "nooo..."

        you looked down, only to see senku staring up at you with a--highly uncharacteristic--sad, pleading expression. he reached out and grabbed weakly onto your leg again.

        oh... damn. it must really be messing with his head, if he's acting like this. i know fevers can make you disoriented, but this seems like a whole new level.

        "what's wrong?" you asked, deciding to play along.

        rather than responding, senku only hugged your leg a bit tighter and moved a bit closer to you. "don't gooo..."

See the full post

41 notes - Posted September 6, 2022

#4

😊

49 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#3

Senku Headcanon #1- Period stuff...?

        Yeah, this isn't really my kind of thing, but I'm having those issues and need an outlet or comfort source of some kind- :') hope you enjoy! Some of these work better in a modern AU, but most of them will work for either that or the canon plot

        I know, I should be working on my requests, but this was quick, and I don't think it should take too long for me to write the request. Hang in there, anon <3

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

-Senku will try to act like he's basically indifferent to it, but it kills him to see you dealing with the cramps :(

-Sends Yuzuriha or another close friend to get you a steady supply of pads/tampons/whatever you prefer to use, pain medicine, and whatever food(s) you happen to be craving

-^He claims to do that so he "doesn't have to deal with the annoying cashiers (or general vendors, if in Ishigami Village)", but he actually just wants to stay with you for as long as he can, as he knows his presence makes you feel at least a little bit better

-At night, he'll cuddle you noticably more often [shh, don't tell him you can notice], and he'll hold you just a teeensy bit tighter than normal--not enough to make your cramps worse, of course!

-He's probably memorized almost everything about your cycle [what days it occurs, how long it lasts for, how it typically affects you, what days are the worst, and everything along those lines], and he'll become heavily concerned if even one thing seems off; chances are, he'll list every single possibility of what could be going on from memory.

-Thanks to his insane amount of knowledge about the body, he'll always try to understand the science behind whatever problem you're dealing with. It would probably get annoying for you sometimes, and both of you might end up feeling bad if you get too irritated by it. Poor guy's just trying to help 😔

-Y'know how he's always going on about science-y stuff? Well, if you happen to also be passionate about science, he'll talk about it with you at least twice as often now--again, he's trying to do everything he can without making it obvious how much he cares. Plus, if there's a specific field of science you love more than any of the other ones, most of his science-based speech will be about it

-Even though Senku hardly ever holds back when he's talking, even if he knows it could upset somebody, he's still pretty cautious about what he says around you + probably backs off quickly

-If you were assigned female at birth but identify as something else, he'll go out of his way to frequently mention how androgynous/masculine/[however you want to appear] you look/act/etc, because he knows this is probably even tougher for you... aw, I could really use it right now

-Bonus: If any of those stereotypical, dumb misogynists started complaining about you mentioning your cycle, Senku would definitely start lecturing them about it--and certainly without sparing any of the details that people tend to find "gross." In fact, he'd probably talk about those more than anything to piss the idiot(s) off <3

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

        This is pretty rough, thanks to how drained I'm feeling today, but I hope this made at least one person out there happy! I still have no doubts about the last part, though

55 notes - Posted September 8, 2022

#2

Senku x Reader- "Finally..." [Modern]

        Basic plot: [Y/N] has moved far away--as in, practically across the world-- from Senku for university, and their mutual friends (Taiju, Yuzuriha, and Gen) decide to surprise him on his birthday by bringing [Y/N] along when they visit him to wish him happy birthday; of course, it turns into **something more** after the other three leave. I know, that made no grammatical sense, sorry-

        Also, I found a really cute fanart of "senguin" [onion boi in a penguin costume], but I couldn't find the artist, so I ended up not adding it here. Here's a link to it, though: www.pinterest.com/pin/1006836060419035072/

        "Are you sure he's in there?" you quietly asked Gen, who peered in through the window.

        "I'm certain," the mentalist replied. "Look, he's in the kitchen."

        Taiju and Yuzuriha stepped beside him to peer inside, although you didn't take the risk of letting the scientist see you. Your arrival was meant to be a surprise, after all.

        "Well, then, I guess it's time," you spoke. "Once I'm behind the bush, you should knock on his door. Text me when you're ready."

        All three of them nodded, and you quickly made your way over to the bushes and hid as you waited.

        It took a while, but you eventually heard Taiju loudly declare that Senku had opened all but one of the presents, followed by the sound of your phone buzzing to alert you of a text. You smiled; it had been so long since you'd gotten the opportunity to meet your partner face-to-face. Not only were you thrilled by the idea of finally hugging Senku again and doing practically everything else you could to let him know how much you missed him, but you also couldn't wait to see how happy he was going to be, even if he tried to hide it.

        It took all of the--already miniscule--bit of self-control you had to stop yourself from charging inside and flinging your arms around him. Instead, you had to wait for one of your friends to text you, so you could know when to sneak in.

        Thankfully, you heard your phone go off again a few moments later.

        "he's blindfolded, I'm on my way outside so I can bring you in without him hearing your footsteps <3 can't ait-way to see the look on his face"

        You laughed at the message as you waited for Gen to come around the corner. Thankfully, he didn't take too long.

        Your best friend then silently guided you inside, and to where Senku sat as he waited to "receive" his next gift.

        "Okay, stand up! Stand up!" Taiju cheerfully exclaimed as he--unsurprisingly--looked as if he was getting ready to cry tears of joy.

        "Jeez, calm down. I'm up, I'm- ahh! What the fuck?!"

        Before poor Senku could even finish speaking, you had jumped at him in a full-force tackle-hug. Not too shockingly, he immediately began squirming in your grasp and trying his hardest to break free. You didn't want to torture him, though, so you let go after a little while.

        "Holy shit, [y/n], I... had no idea... your grip was... that strong..." he sighed before untying and pulling off his blindfold.

        "Aw, how did you know it was me?" you asked as you fought back the urge to say something extremely cheesy about him "feeling it deep in his heart".

        "Well, the oaf would've ten billon percent crushed my entire skeletal system if he did that, Yuzuriha wouldn't have tackled me, the old man's away, I don't have any other real friends, and Gen doesn't really know me, so that was the only logical conclusion. Plus, birthdays are perfect for sappy reunions like these," Senku replied a bit wearily while dusting himself off.

        "Well, damn. I missed you, too."

        Senku breathed another sigh. "What? You asked me a question, and I answered it."

        "Yeah, yeah, I know. It's okay, 'cuz I know you missed me a ton, anyway," you teased.

        "H-he did! He really, really did!" Taiju added while sobbing into a tissue.

        You laughed softly and sat down beside your scientist, who was blinking a bit faster than normal and breathing a bit shakily. To be fair, you were on the verge of tears, as well.

        I know this is a really short one, but that's only because this is actually part one of a 2-part oneshot! Heh... the next part is actually gonna be a lemon, and I couldn't be more excited about that. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If you're reading this on Quotev, it's only going to be on Wattpad and Tumblr, though [and maybe AO3, if they ever let me in]. I'll put the links here when part 2 is finished!

        Update: So, uhm, about that. I had to take part 2 down for personal reasons. 😔

60 notes - Posted September 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I had an idea. You know that scene where kohaku and senku fake a kiss. What if instead

*it's the reader instead of kohaku

*senku and the reader like each other but they don't know of the others feelings

*it's a real kiss not a fake one close to the lips

        Requested by: anonymous [Tumblr]

        aaaa I'm so sorry for how long this took! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·. I've been struggling with a lack of motivation, and it also took me a while to find the right chapter in the manga [I was too dumb to just do a quick search for the scene...]

        There's a bit of writing before the actual scene, so I'll add a read more cut for you to skip to if you don't want to read it. [on Tumblr, anyway]

        Bit of a warning: implied!non-binary!reader, possible hints at gender dysphoria [very minor]. I'll try to remember to post another version without that stuff, though. There's also a little angst between Senku and the reader later on in the chapter, but it's nothing super heavy!

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

        You sighed, rather annoyed by the idea of wearing a dress. "Come on. I'm sure I can make myself look cute, or whatever, without something like that."

        "I'm sure you can, [y/n], but we really need to raise our chances of being chosen as much as we can if we want to infiltrate the enemy camp," Kohaku replied as she, somewhat ironically, stared dubiously at the outfit she was given.

        "Plus, it doesn't have to be super frilly or exaggerated; simple outfits can be cute, too!" Amaryllis added with a slightly nervous smile.

        Senku, too, even pitched in. "I mean... I'm technically wearing a skirt, too, and I don't look too girly. I think that's what you're worried about, anyway."

        Trying your best not to sigh again, you took the neatly folded outfit Amaryllis passed you. It consisted of a simple, robe-like, [favorite color] dress, along with a thin obi and a pair of uncomfortably high-heeled shoes. To be fair, it wasn't as bad as you were expecting, but you still felt a bit insecure about wearing it.

        You looked nervously over at the scientist whom you had not-so-minor feelings for. He was picking at his ear with his finger while looking away from Kohaku, who had begun to change into her outfit in front of literally everyone.

        "What?" the aforementioned genius asked when he noticed the way you were looking at him.

        "...Nothing," you replied. Although, you couldn't help but feel a bit flustered when he gazed at the outfit in your hands, then up at you, and began to look as if he was lost in thought. He snapped out of it only a few seconds later, but it didn't really help you feel any better. [Good thing you didn't notice the blush on his cheeks.]

        After another minute or so of awkwardness, you slipped into the nearby bushes to change into the new clothes. 'Well... at least the people who see me won't know me for too long.'

        "[Y/n], get behind me!" Kohaku ordered as she tried her best to dodge and shield you from Kirisame's attacks.

        "Right!" you responded. Though, to be honest, you were already planning on hiding behind her, anyway. Kohaku was much better at dealing hits than taking them, but she was still far more durable than you were.

        Then, you had an idea.

        There was a word only you and your fellow Kingdom of Science members knew--one that these semi-primitive warriors and villagers had likely never even heard of.

        You began to draw in as deep of a breath as you could, hoping that you wouldn't shatter the eardrums of everyone who stood around you--including yourself.

        ...

        "LAB!!"

        Both Kohaku and Kirisame, despite how focused they were, stopped in their tracks.

        "Lab! That's what I absolutely want! I don't need anything else!" you continued to shout, ignoring the confused looks on their faces.

        "La... Lab?" Kirisame uttered, confused. Though, she still didn't take her eyes, which were narrowed with focus, off of Kohaku in the slightest.

        Soon enough, both Senku and Gen naturally came running over--that is, after Gen lightly teased your beloved "Lab-kun" about how much you wanted to see him. In spite of the dangerous situation, you couldn't help but laugh a bit to yourself. Heh. I'm definitely gonna start calling Senku that now.

        Though, before you could say anything else, you felt Gen lightly wrap his arms around both you and Senku.

See the full post

83 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[yyoon5]

Yesterday was so busy...I've been working on private blog portfolio a lot, and learned how to make apple turnovers from scratch. They are so good and now my dad demands I make him some. I'm finally convincing my mom to let me bake in the house because I need to learn for when I'm alone. I think I'll start with the elephant cake and then progress into whoopie pies. I have a chance to get out of college to go to culinary school now. It's a little freaky because I have never wanted to be a chef--and still don't want to be--but if my math grade keeps dropping, I may have no choice but to entertain the offer. I have the connections anyway.

I've started to play a lot of visual novels recently. Not really utsuge or nakige because I don't want to cry, but lots of galge and moege. It's odd but when I play games where copious amounts of dialogue are involved, I tend to write dialogue better on my own. Which is useful because I struggle badly with tedious dialogue.

Moonsickness came (iykyk) and it's got me acting up. I went to sleep with my parrot very early last night because I tend to stay still as I sleep, though I couldn't sleep well despite how exhausted I was. On the first day, I can never sleep well. Same thing happens on full moons. I feel like a mermaid sometimes. We woke up at 2 AM after sleeping at 10:30 PM and he woke me because he wanted to burrow into my shoulder, which he does often after hours. I'm still very sleepy now but I'm not allowed to be with him during the day much because he's too hormonal and my affection triggers him, so my lack of sleep to ensure he still feels loved might be a sacrifice I have to make.

Today I haven't gone to classes yet. I have plans to finish the fic by the end of June since plotting is near complete and more than half of chapters are complete. I only need to work on the chapters leading up to the climax and ending, but I'll figure it out. It seems like the best candidate for my first publication would be my draft of Jadely since it is most appropriate for multiple audiences, but I'll review it carefully. Releasing Uterine first was what I wanted but it is weird fiction, and I'd rather make a name for myself as a literature author first.

Recently the old novels I need to rewrite are haunting me. I become more disgusted with my past works with each year that passes, most of them being the ones from when I was 13 and younger. I wrote some really profound novels at those ages, but quite a few of them were questionable. I might write more about it on private blog. DM for passcode.

I'm getting back into my OnlyOneOf phase and I'm taking better care of my looks. I painted my nails translucent today and my forehead is slowly clearing up despite my medication. My eyes are having problems, and I have my medication for them but it's very expensive so I don't want to waste it. Summer is finally heating up around here which is a good thing. It's still promising. I think my milk thistle medication has helped my depression too but I'm taking it for one purpose and one purpose only.

[domi-scu]

Bulgarian trains should be used as a torture tactic

I'm not even going to complain about waking up at 5am to get to the train. I'm happy and willing to not sleep on holiday if I need to. But the lack of coffee was our first problem. I stupidly thought that there might be a little coffee shop at the train station or that the train would have one of those coffee carts that hasn't been cleaned in 30 years. Well, my bad because they definitely did not have any of that. There was some coffee at the train station but everything was cash only and the cash machine had, surprisingly, no cash. I'm also not entirely sure why we decided to pay extra for first class because there was absolutely no difference.

Thankfully, we came armed with a bag of snacks but the lack of coffee could be felt. The first 3ish hours weren't too bad but then it got incredibly hot and the only AC available were open windows. Which not only did nothing to help with the heat but also wesn't exactly the best thing for those of us with hayfever. I managed to get couple of naps in but otherwise, it was a very unproductive ride with lots of sweating and overheating phone. I fell asleep for the last 1.5h but I'm convinced that was purely because I was on the brink of death at that point. I gotta say, unlike UK, at least there was phone service throughout the whole train ride.

We stopped at the first restaurant we came across for the much needed caffeine, beer, toilet and a sink to wash my face as I was struggling to breathe from the pollen. Funnily enough, beer helps with hayfever. Admittedly, it's the cold rather than the alcohol but I'll take both. We organised a taxi for later in the day and then sent Alex to get some hayfever spray from a pharmacy we passed. Godsend! I could breathe again!

We had to wait until about 6pm until my sis and her bf fly in as we're sharing the taxi so after a few drinks, we moved to a different place for more drinks. Rasto and Eli took a bus to Sozopol and we just chilled. What is it with everyone serving Carlsberg here? I want something local, I didn't suffer on the train to be drinking danish beer. But it'll do for now.

The taxi pricing was rather interesting. Ahead of time, we were told it would cost us 90 lev, when we booked it, the man said 80, and when we arrived, the driver asked for 60. Although I'm convinced that might've been a discount for Alex talking to him in Russian cause the man didn't speak English.

Martina and Malte are staying at the same hotel as us and the (czech) receptionist kindly figured out we'd like rooms next to each other since the last name on the reservations was the same. Rooms are great, although we definitely have a better view- of Lidl. We had a quick break and headed out to dinner near the beach.

Thought it would be great to walk across the beach which turned out to be a mistake as soon as we realised that the path to it is filled with massive buzzing things (hornets or some sort of bugs), that love to buzz right next to your ear. One has landed on the back of my neck and Alex, instead of trying to shoo it off, simply informed me that it's trying to burry inside my hair. Thank you, love!

One very seafood-y dinner later, I was slowly shutting down so it was time for bed. As soon as I stuffed myself with all the hayfever meds I could find because fuck me, it's bad here.

[1d1195]

Can I just say, I’m absolutely in love with how you write Harry. It doesn’t matter what kind of universe you put him in, I fall head over heels for him every time. And how dare you make me fall even more in love with a man I can’t ever have!

Seriously though, I find myself checking your page throughout the day (like I don’t have notifications on lol) because I’m obsessed with your writing. Traditional was just.. so amazing. The detail and the realism of the obstacles the reader and Harry face were amazing. Poor reader couldn’t catch a break there for a minute but it was so sweet to see how everything kind of fell into place once her and Harry got their act together lol. I don’t typically read series that aren’t finished yet (I found it when up to part 5 or so was out), but I read part one and couldn’t help but read the rest of the parts that were published at the time.

And screens?? What I would do to have a man as caring and patient as you wrote Harry. Again, the detail in the little things like him learning braille for the reader and being her source of hope to the joy he expresses when he realizes she has some hope too. I would love to see what happens post surgery for the reader. Those feelings of her being a burden continuing throughout her recovery and also the unknown of the result would be so upsetting but also so fluffy to see more of Harry caring for her.

Therapy was great too. I loved the jokes of the reader’s friends trying to convince her to sleep with Harry, even before anything really happened between the two of them. Even though it’s a reader insert, I still felt like there was another version of me in the story because I would definitely be the friend encouraging that. But the reader’s hesitance is a nice balance and it was almost relieving when they finally got together. And that scene on the couch 😮‍💨 I died a little bit inside

Those are the ones I can remember enough detail to write any feedback on, but I really can’t express enough how much I love your writing. I think traditional is what really made me gravitate to your account but your other pieces are so amazing too! (btw crystal-hs is my side blog for reblogging harry/1D related stuff!)

Wow, wow, wow. Thank you so much for all of this. I'm so glad you've enjoyed my blog this much to comment. I've seen your side blog and I'm so honored to be a part of it. Thank you so so much.

I obviously love Harry and lately I've been much more into the realism of life and how it's portrayed in stories and movies. I think there's a lack of it so I've been enjoying writing more realistic ideals.

Of course Traditional has easily become one of my favorite couples to write about. I think I would die to work for Harry. Just being in his presence would be enough for me.

That's a great idea for Screens! I really never planned on it being more than one part but now it's two it may as well be three right? But idk, I don't want to take away from the original plot...like the whole point is her struggle with seeing I don't know if curing her is all that realistic, but you're right. I would love to see nurse Harry, ya know? I choose to believe with all my heart that Harry is the kindest most caring man on the planet and I will be devastated to find out differently.

Therapy is one of my own personal favorites and I think I've mentioned many a times that it didn't seem to be anyone else's favorite which is fine, but any time I get love for it I feel extra happy because wow did I love them. Yeah, it's almost cyclical each month how I decide to write things like the couch scene 👀👀👀...

Thank you so much for taking the time to write anything at all about my writing. I LOVE reading your tags/comments. They mean the world to me. It's some of my favorite things to read what resonated most with you.

And I really hope you find a Harry :)

xoxo

[emilyrosediary]

things I've learned in 340 days of being clean

February 23, 2023. That will be a year clean from self-harm for me. One year from the last time I cried in my dorm shower with a razor to my skin. I truly never thought I would make it to a year.  A year feels like a long time after hurting myself every day just to feel some other form of pain. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about the idea of self-harm. It is not for attention, it is not to manipulate others, and it is not just a phase that all teens go through to fit in. It was a way for me to externally express what I was struggling with internally. It is never ok to harm yourself though, if this is something you’re struggling with please reach out for help or call 988 to speak to a crisis team member. Thankfully I was able to advocate for myself and get the help I so desperately needed. 

It has been exactly 340 days since the last time I hurt myself. Although that doesn't seem like a big number, for the girl thinking she'd never be able to stop, it's huge. I did that. I put the work in. and through all of this, I learned so much. I thought I'd share 11 things I've learned in 11 months of being safe. 

Be honest with yourself and adjust accordingly 

Ok, this may shock some of you but I am not perfect. I know, shocking realization.  There have been plenty of times in my life when I caught myself falling into unhealthy habits that needed to be broken. I learned this lesson almost immediately in my healing journey. The first time I did this was by asking for help. I was honest with myself that I was struggling therefore I needed to adjust my patterns and get help. This honesty is what brought me to where I am now. The ability to be real with yourself brings a lot of negativity out of your life. Knowing when something is no longer serving you and being able to walk away from that gives you a lot of power. Often self-harming can be from a lack of control in one's life, so how about you control what you're ok and not ok with being in your life? Injuring myself wasn't something I was comfortable with having as a habit so I spoke honestly about it and adjusted to a healthier lifestyle. 

It is not weak to ask for help

What a crappy misconception. If you are in a place where you are struggling alone, reach out to someone. There are opportunities to better yourself and work through the situation. Hurting that beautiful body of yours will never bring you complete satisfaction, ever. There needs to be a real resolution and it's perfectly fine to need someone else's support for that. I am not claiming that someone will have all the answers. It is more likely that you just need someone to help with finding the solution. Someone to remind you how amazing you are and how strong you are for reaching out. It is so brave to ask for help, and it is so powerful to be in recovery with so many other souls who chose life. 

You are beyond capable

It is so easy to think when we are struggling that there will never be a light in the darkness. This pain feels permanent and this is now what you accept as your life. You feel that you are completely incapable of living a normal life due to the amount of pain you are in. You anticipate the suffering every day and you don't think there will ever be a day that the blade against your skin does not bring relief. Yet I am here to tell you that those things you have convinced yourself of are invalid. You are capable. You are capable of waking up every morning to take care of yourself. You are capable of asking for help. You are capable of finding new forms of relief that don't include harming the beautiful body you live in.

Your body is your home for the next 70 years, it deserves to be taken care of

When you're in so much pain it is easy to neglect everything. I'm talking about a task as simple as brushing your teeth or changing your clothes feels impossible. Often the first to go is sleeping, followed by neglecting almost every meal. Then you stop talking to people and soon enough it's just you and your thoughts left. You neglect your beautiful home. You live in this body forever, take care of it, and don't try to break it into nothing. I used to hate my body and felt so numb that hurting myself was the easy option, I saw no value in my body. It wasn't until treatment that I realized my body deserves love and appreciation; let's be fair here, my body has carried me this far. Why would I quit on it now? Eat your fruits and veggies, eat those yummy desserts, go for walks, meditate, and let your emotions out. 

Learn to be ok alone

This is a really hard one for me to learn. I am slowly learning how to do this because it’s not about being just physically alone. This is about removing those codependency habits that are so easy to fall into. I had gone through a breakup and an ending to a toxic relationship the day before I started self-harming (no he is not the cause of my self-injury and I do not intend it to come off that way, it was merely a final straw for the instability of my mental health). I relied heavily on him for how my emotions would be day to day. If he was talking to me and being nice to me, that would impact how I acted and treated myself. So when the relationship ended I lost my identity. I had a death grip on an emotionally draining relationship. Learning how to be my own person outside of a relationship is a journey, it is not always easy. But I love discovering myself because hidden under the girlfriend identity I'm a pretty cool person who I enjoy hanging out with. 

As you change so will your circle and that's good 

Growing up can be scary. Although you may think your kindergarten best friend will be your bridesmaid one day that is less than likely. We grow into ourselves and I think it is so beautiful to have people for certain seasons of your life. The group I primarily spent my time with at the beginning of my healing journey is different from the people who are in my life now. What's really cool about that is the people who are in my life now love and support me at this point in my life. The group I was closer with at the beginning of my journey would probably hate the girl I grew into, and that's ok. They reflect who I once was and are now people I am glad to have known at one point in my life. There will be growth when you work on yourself and sometimes people on their own journey are not ready to grow when you are. You may grow apart but then you get to spend time with people who are closer to your growth spot and want to continue growing with you. What an amazing opportunity it is to know so many beautiful souls. 

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're worth it, because you think you're worth it

I have written a couple of posts on self-compassion and I think that’s a big theme from this past year. It is so easy to neglect our needs when someone neglects us, yet that is not fair to us. Our bodies and minds deserve to be treated right because we are worthy of that. I have been in my fair share of unhealthy and a few healthy relationships. whether a man thinks you’re worth it or not should never dictate how you view your worth. No one else gets to dictate your worth. As someone with a lot of dependency habits, you are worthy alone as you are. Do something good for your soul every day and watch your life change. Even if it's just buying yourself flowers or reminding yourself how beautiful you are. 

You will never be able to please everyone

Hello, my fellow people pleasers, this one's for you. One reason that led to my self-injury was an inability to please everyone or to please myself. We have already discussed how to handle pleasing ourselves so what do we do about the desire to please everyone else? One of the very hard truths I learned this year was you will never be able to please everyone, ever. We all have values or things that are important to us. Why would we work so hard to please someone whose views go against ours? It's just not worth our energy. We should work to please ourselves. As we do that those who value and prioritize similarly to us will fall in line. As someone in the service industry, it is hard to learn to say no, but it is important not to lose yourself in always saying yes. There is always going to be someone mad you didn't do more for them or serve them better, let it go. It is never beneficial to tear yourself apart and lead to self-destructive behavior just to meet others' needs constantly. 

Healing is not linear

These 340 days of recovery are not my longest time. Before this relapse, I was a little over two years clean from suicidal ideations. 48% of people with my disorder are likely to relapse, what a frightening odd that became my reality. Yet I find it so important to remember that healing is not linear. It is not intended to be linear. Just because we decide to get better doesn't mean there won't be hard days. We have a long life ahead, therefore there will be obstacles on the road ahead. What distinguishes me now from me before is that before I would’ve ended up hurting myself and would’ve been ready to give up on life. Now I can understand that these patterns are not healthy and develop new ones to work through tough times. This blog for example is a great outlet and healthy coping mechanism. There are going to be times when you want to quit this recovery journey but I beg you to keep going. Healing is worth every day even if there are still difficult days. Why throw away all of this time clean for one temporary fix that will never solve the root issue?

Be bigger

This may sound like a weird sentiment. Although I meant it when I said to be bigger, live bigger. Stop making yourself smaller to accommodate others. You are allowed to take up space, there is space for you. During my struggles, I made myself so small. I was merely nonexistent in my classes or my friend groups. Whether intentional or not I pulled completely out of my own life. Never again will I neglect the space I am meant to take up. I bring value to the world and to the groups I am involved in. Yes, that is something I find myself often needing a reminder of but it's true. When we spend so long making ourselves as small as possible it is hard to desire space. There is room for you, take it. 

Embrace what you survived 

This may seem like an odd concept. Why would you want to embrace an event that almost took you out of this world? Do it because you are here reading this right now, you survived. One of the reasons I started this blog was to reflect on my past year. Reflect on how much I've grown and will continue to grow into my twenties. These lessons I've learned have shaped me and are things I actively work to embrace. They are not always easy and I struggle to hold onto them sometimes. They are impactful and beautiful nonetheless. You deserve to feel recovered. You deserve to feel safe where you’re at. You deserve to sleep peacefully at night. You deserve to be excited to be awake for another day. You deserve this. 

[collegiatedegenrate]

My Backstory

I go by R on here, and I'm creating this Tumblr to document and help motivate me with Tumblr's beautiful aesthetics, to complete my wildest academic dreams as someone who is pursuing higher education.

My story is quite similar to other addicts and those who have struggled with substance abuse. I can tell you that I had a rough abusive childhood or how I was so convinced I deserved the things I went through that I allowed it to continue and haunt me into my adult years. But this story isn't about that, it may have been the starting point but it is not my ending, and I will not allow my life to center around it anymore.

I started using drugs and drinking when I was young. It started with alcohol. By the time I was 18 I had a full blown drinking problem and substance abuse issue. I would go to school blackout drunk. I would take double doses of vyvance to get me through class, and take Xanax at night to sleep. I went to school full time, I worked full time. And I made perfect grades, until I didn't.

See, the issues showed before that. And yes, I was so obviously trying to run from my pain. At that point in my life, all I wanted was to numb myself to my emotions, and I had no care as to how that happened. Around sophomore year is when things started to spiral. I cared less and less about how I looked, and I stopped trying in class. I loved learning when I was young. I loved to read. Through years of abuse, how could I possibly care about either of those? I lost my passion for knowledge, because all I cared about was not feeling a damn thing.

I finished high school with a gpa of 3.4, which amazes me to this day. My prospects were not looking good, especially for someone who didn't care about their life. I felt an overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders as probably any 18 year old does. Hell, we got told "choose your career path you want to pursue for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE:)." I tried. I think I've known my passion has always science. I understood it like the back of my hand. It came naturally, with ease, and with so much joy. The college I chose, was the one in my town that pretty much everyone goes to. So instead of choosing the college of my dreams (if you would've asked freshman year me; Vanderbilt) I chose the one everyone else chose.

I didn't last half the semester before I dropped out. My anxiety and depression were eating me alive to the point I couldn't eat or hold down food, and I couldn't sleep. On top of it all, my drug and alcohol use was at the highest levels. So I dropped out. Actually, I just stopped going.

Now I'm a few months away from being 25, and in the near 7 years I've been out of highchool, I could probably write a book of the shit I've experienced. And that's exactly it. I didnt hit my turning point until after I got sober. I got sober after rehab. But the moment I got sober was not the moment my life changed, but goddamn was it a catalyst for it. Rock bottoms arent always drug related, although many of mine were, but also due to lack of passion. I was living a life that would soon run me into the ground, even without drugs or alcohol. Im not sure I'm ready to delve into the nuances of what I did in-between now and then. All I knew was that I had to do something different. Things had to change, I must surrender to the universe.

So I moved back home with my family. I have been substance abuse free for 2 years now, and I start community college this fall. No, its not the college of my dreams, but its a starting point and god am I grateful just for the opportunity. I will see it through this time around. I know what I don't want to do for the rest of my life, and while I'm not 100% sure the exact route I want to take, I know that I'm ready to venture out and try what I think I want to do.

Thank you to anyone who read any part of that. This is mainly an online journal for myself. I am here for support to any other young adult who's pursuing higher education and/or has a past or is currently struggling with substance abuse/addiciton. Life is worth living, and we might as well try for our dreams while we're here.

Much Love, R