#LMAO WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING ANYMORE
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It’s “realizing that Will’s struggle in S2 with being infected with a virus that spreads and will kill him quickly (but doctors don’t care) is a metaphor for how gay men were treated during the aids crisis” hours
—right alongside Mike (who comes from a family with a Reagan sign in their front yard + a mom who outwardly supported Margret Thatcher), who sat at his now confirmed gay best friend’s side the entire time he was sick and watched as people were willing to let him die because he was viewed as expendable……and now has an ongoing storyline where
1) his relationship with his girlfriend is falling apart because he doesn’t love her romantically
2) he’s staring longingly and pushing toward the freedom his gay best friend embodies for him, and
3) he cannot bring himself to tell anyone around him something because “what if they don’t like it” + dehumanize him for telling the secret truth he cannot bring himself to externalize, despite now knowing something that scares him about about himself:
(Bonus points for the fact that the first time we see Mike push Will and himself toward a girl is after he watches how people were willing to let his gay best friend (and him, by extension) die should they not confirm to expectations)
#can you tell I am rewatching S2? lmao but!!#he’s gay. he’s gay. HE IS IN THE CLOSET AND TERRIFIED AND FUCKING. GAY#this is not about his feelings for El and never had been#it’s about his DEEP AND UNRELENTING FEAR that he is going to be seen as less than human and potentially killed for his honesty#THE REFUSAL TO TELL THE TRUTH IS A PROTECTION MECHANISM#ROOTED IN WHAT HES SEEN & EXPERIENCED & KNOWS ABOUT HIMSELF AS A GAY MAN#like this boy is having an extended metaphorical existential crisis over being gay. that is the point#it always HAS been. but the depth and context for his struggle requires complex sociological knowledge & people don’t do that anymore lmao#ANYWAY#I’m gonna do a whole proper post on this I promise. I just had to get the thought out somewhere lmao#mike wheeler core#mike wheeler#will byers#stranger things#the me tag#gay mike wheeler
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Invited all my friends up to San Antonio for the weekend at my cousin's. They all politely refused and blamed it on their schedules but they all seemed to shy away the moment I told em we'd be doing work on my cousin's house. I get it, who wants to work for free especially when you have zero experience in home improvement... but like, y'all are men lmao
#one of them legit said 'fuck no“ lmao#'let me know what the guys say about your splendid offer'#if they actually came along they'd realize its actually a vacation with a pretext#like y'all would be just sitting outside handing tools to whoever's on the ladder#making jokes and shooting the shit#drinking beers and listening to tunes#am I the crazy one?#do m8s not hang out for weekend projects anymore?#you get out of the house and break the routine#and when you come back home you feel like a new person for it#idk#let me know if im the crazy one
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Why am I not good at anything I do :(
#not to vent on main but man. everything i do is terrible#my art fucking sucks i cringe whenever i even see it#i should just give up already lmao ive been drawing for years n my art still looks like it's drawn by a kid#my artstyle fucking suuuckkks it's so unoriginal n doesnt look good at all#my fanfics r so awful too. the writing style is so choppy n uninspired#rereading them again n holyshit i hate them so much??#i wanna delete all my art n fanfics from every social media i posted them in#i hate everything i make#tryibg to learn a new skill rn too n i think i just gave up on it cuz it's too hard#why am i like this#i should just stop creating#whats the point if im never gonna be good enough#i havent drawn anything in so long. i dont even enjoy drawing anymore cuz nothing i make is good#i hate myself
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#my Florida shirt just got taken down from Etsy for no fucking reason#Taylor's team just CHUCKED the book at me and fucking LIED in their report to Etsy about it#said I infringed on their trademarks for Lover 1989 and Reputation in their report#and I used.... NONE OF THOSE THINGS. NOT ONE.#that shirt has (obviously) nothing to do with any of those albums even#not in the metadata not in the tags not in the SEO nothing#and since it had no tags of those things it didn't pop up in a sweep and get auto-taken down. it was targeted by them & they manually did i#that design is SO by the book legally and bc of how successful it is I've worked VERY hard to make it that way. even in the SEO#and I mean everything in my shop I go out of my way to make legal but#like that is probably the most actually black and white legal piece of fan merch I've ever seen in my fucking life#but I can't fight back because if I fight back.. if they want it down the next option is prove to Etsy that they're SUING ME#so like. yeah not trying to fuck around and find out there#and that is awful for multiple reasons.#1. I have lost like 90% of my income for the rest of the year. I've grown to rely on income from that shirt as I should bc IT'S FINE#2. it's about to be the holidays. this makes 1 worse and also - people will be searching for this shirt bc it's on ppls holiday wishlists#they now won't be able to find mine#and will therefore google it and buy one of the MILLION FUCKING STOLEN VERSIONS WHICH ARE STILL UP BY THE WAY#and 3. I can't even have these stolen versions taken down anymore because I don't have a leg to stand on since the real thing now doesn't-#exist to prove it's mine#I want to fucking throw up like idk how to do anything other than be sobbing in a fucking ball on the floor#like this is probably the 2nd worst thing that has happened to me in my life lmao#like this shirt was single-handedly paying my rent every month and I had other income but. that shirt was my cushioning#my whole Etsy shop is FUCKED without it like absolutely fucked it was carrying the whole entire thing#I'm scared to upload or DO anything else w my Etsy even because if they just made up lies to get that shirt down#then I am SURE they've got something against me or my shop#and like fucking WHY I work so hard to make everything FAIR AND RIGHT#I worked so fucking hard on that shirt that thing was like my child like my actual full pride and joy#I want to scream I don't even know what to do with myself#it feels like someone just shoved me into a room shut the lights off locked the door and threw away the key#that shirt has been like probably the proudest achievement of my life like no joke and everything I've put into it & my Etsy just got kille
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that post about putting on the dune audiobook at a party where everyone was on lsd except it was my friend playing the dead flag blues when our group was wizard high in our second year of college
#this was fall of 2020 for some additional perspective on everyone’s sort of mental state#most of us had only been high a few times before at that point too lmfao#i just remember lying on the couch going wait what the fuck am i listening to and how long has it been playing#meanwhile another friend was insisting he could see the future#we were really only all friends for a semester but god what a time that was#for one reason or another I’m not friends with any of them anymore and that hurt for a long time#but slowly I’ve started being able to remember those times with fondness#and yeah. that was a core memory for sure lmao#anyway if you want to know what kind of freak would do that. you know the ‘even now there is bucket of wet slop. grins’ guy?#this friend was exactly that category of guy. just picture a 19 year old bipolar leftist version of slop guy and that’s him#we still follow each other on ig and he’s posting the same incomprehensible memes as ever. I hope he’s doing well#op
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Am I being an idiot
#How effective can a therapist I'm attracted to be#I think I'm doing both of us a disservice#Cause I hate the idea of making myself seem pathetic in front of such a hot woman#But I also don't really wanna find anyone else#I think therapy is the wrong place to try being a loverboy and yet#But I also can't just like#Drop her#It's obviously POSSIBLE#But I'd hate to just abandon her with no explanation#But what the absolute fuck am I supposed to say to her#Hey I have feelings for you so I can't be seen by you anymore#That's EMBARRASSING#But idk if I'm really getting what I need by being seen by someone I'm into and want to impress#How can I be a wet Lil meow meow in front of a cute ass lesbian#Chat tell me I'm being dumb#But she also offered to read my writing and I want lesbians to read it!!!!!#I can't get that with a hettie#I want her thoughts on my story#I am so incredibly conflicted lmao
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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i hate tiktok for scaring me away from getting an iud like before i was under the impression there was little to no pain no more scary than a pap smear and NOW i think about it and i get so disturbed. i want the copper iud lol....
#i dont want to fuck my hormones up anymore the pill makes me into a different person like i am over it#also i know most people have told me getting their iud wasn't this insane scary thing like realistically tiktok just shows the worst#i feel like i should be fine though like pap smears have never hurt me which a lot of people say they do...#what hurts is the speculum when they pry you open lmao like take it EASY
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okay seriously last post: but, sorry to you all: despite the brainworms this will never stop the severe gortash obsession. i may be sad about stuff but this won’t change because of that. heart <3
#i said it before but if the price for creating what you wanna create is just not being able to find a community that is doing more than just#that is just barely tolerating what you enjoy creating then so be it. enjoy it too much to change it/make others enjoy it more#i am so fucking. done with that. the misery and guilt are still there but i won’t fucking cave anymore no way lmao.#there are also the ‘your interpretation is nothing but a stupid deranged ass pull’ thoughts that come with this but. i a#getting better at shooing those thoughts away w a broomstick believe it or not
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Visited my grandparents today I had sm fun looking at photos and just seeing everyone after so long!!
#fae.txt#we don’t really go to their house much anymore bc of family drama that has to do with one person and her husband of u kno where I’m going#so we have to be cautious when she visits bc she bring him with her and he is not a liked person and basically what he did is a secret…#which is so fucked…lmao here I am telling y’all my family drama LMAOOO
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YOU MAKE THAT POST AND DON'T SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON EVERYONE'S OPINION ON SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG???
I MEAN IT'S SUCH A NICHE FUCKING TOPIC LMAO I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD CARE
but anyway here's the Egregiously Simplified version of Everyone Is Forced To Play Ten Routes Of Shadow The Hedgehog And Has To Give Their Opinion Afterwards
#snap chats#i already hear someone going 'the fuck you mean mine is number one shadow the hedgehog defender' YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME#at first i do think he'd be like 'what the fuck' but then going through all of shadows routes. or at least ten to get the final story#and seeing the constant betrayal and inability to trust others he faced yet still ultimately persevering due to his promise to maria#i think bro would be moved.. just a little.. would he think shadow a bit headassed for that considering what the humans did to him#Of Course but also its evident that shadows clearly taking things into his own hands now- as righteous of a mission as it is#despite the persistent attempted influence by everyone around him. shadows a complicated TRAGEDY he'd be moved#mine's artsy like that..... gotta go before i get shot ive said insane things before but this one'll take the cake me thinks#im not explaining everyone else mine's just felt like the one i NEEDED to explain lest i look more insane than usual#06 daigo's purely a Shadow Angst enjoyer. he understands shadow and he's wallowing in the misery of his backstory#majima's weird to categorize cause he definitely can be like Lmao The Fuck and/or just play the game chaotically#and then the aspects of identity come in and on the outside he'll be like 'bro its not that deep' but on the inside its like#Damn He Just Like Me Fr. i think. idk i dont study majima leave me alone im not making ANOTHER One Chara Exclusive category#i said i wouldnt explain anyone else and here i am explaining shut UP im gonna go eat#im not looking at this anymore bye#FORCING myself to leave cause i really will just end up typing essays on bitches perceiving shadow LMAOO
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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i've been considering resuming job hunting again but i think I'm still, like, traumatized from what i went through in 2021 lmao
#i keep getting in this cycle of 'well my current job lets me do pretty much whatever i want bc they trust me to get shit done'#(which honestly is really nice bc i am neither a team player nor a leader and i like being left alone lmao)#and 'my current job is otherwise unfulfilling in every way possible also it's for an awful company I'm ethically opposed to and i want out'#and my salary is garbage#esp as someone with 12 years of experience#and they dont even do cost of living adjustments#in theory they will give you a raise if you go above and beyond but i did that for a year and just got a thank you#which i dont need your fucking gratitude i need more money#but god i just cant do interviews anymore#i used to be such a good BSer in interviews#and now i just... cant lmao#so many places are all into the 'be your authentic self' shit these days#my authentic self is not employable lmao#and then i think about pursuing my creative passions for income and I'm like nooo i dont wanna do that either#bc that will make me hate what i love#i am so protective of my hobbies just being hobbies#idk whatever!!!!#t: wench.txt
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