#so we have to be cautious when she visits bc she bring him with her and he is not a liked person and basically what he did is a secret… | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

harrywritingsbyme · 4 years ago

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Cautious

Based Off Of This Ask

A/N: I decided to do a lil something with dad to be/husband!Harry and Y/n bc they're cute, sweet, and spicy...this one is also a little bit funny too. there's also a tiny hint of subby wife!Y/n in here too...Enjoy🙃

Harry refused to give you sex. Anytime you asked him for his cock, he always said no, citing that “he didn’t want to harm the baby”. When you first found out that you were pregnant, your hormones and Harry’s sex drive were through the roof. You two were not only having sex everyday, that was normal for you two; you and Harry were going at it like three sometimes four times a day now that you were carrying. You guys’ sex life had managed to skyrocket to an even higher level than it was on before the pregnancy. Harry was amazed at how your body was changing and growing with his child (he has a bit of a breeding kink) and you had a heightened sensitivity in your breasts and between your legs which made you even more needy for him. This constant sex routine so to speak, continued on for a good while too. That is, until the two of you paid a visit to your doctor for your week 20 ultrasound. That was the day everything changed; and by everything, you meant you guys’ sex life. From the moment Harry saw the developed baby and all of her prominent features, Harry went into lockdown mode. He was already extremely helpful and careful with you ever since the beginning of this pregnancy journey and even more so when he found out that you guys were having a baby girl. But now that he could actually see his little girl and not just a little dot on the screen, along with feeling her moving around in your belly, he was on a mission to do everything that was in you and your daughters best interests. Even if that meant limited or no sex.

Now you could understand taking the rough part out of the equation, but sex overall?! That was absolutely not okay for you. Yes he was being the sweetest husband and dad to be in the world, and yes you loved him immensely for that. But you were horny! In fact, him taking all of those measures to keep you and your daughter safe was a big turn on. It’s not like you were demanding for him to pound you into next month. You’d find great enjoyment in that of course, but like Harry, you wouldn’t want to put the baby at risk. All you wanted was for him to be inside of you. You even offered to put some anal action onto play from time to time. Sure he gave you his fingers and mouth, and yes they were magnificent and got the job done, but his cock just hit different. You didn’t even want to use the dildo he got for you that was a nearly exact replica to his cock. But it’s not like you could really use it anyways since you couldn’t see over your mountain of a belly. Which speaking of your mountain of a belly, you were so desperate for his cock that you even bookmarked articles online that listed the different sex positions that could accommodate your bump.

Now your neediness for Harry’s cock was also translated into tears. Along with your horny hormones being heightened, you also had emotional hormones that were a bit out of wack too. Since you weren’t getting his cock frequently, you started to think that he wasn’t attracted to you any more. But luckily for you, Harry nipped that right in the bud. When you told him how you felt, he spent the entire night pretty much worshiping your body. He gave you everything you’d been craving for in the weeks prior. He used his mouth, fingers, and cock in the most mind-blowing ways and pleasured you for as long as you needed. And in the process of making you feel good, he still made sure that you and the baby were okay. He was able to be the adorable worry wart he is and be pleasured at the same time, and you were able to be pleasured the way you so desperately needed.

It was absolutely amazing; and about a month ago.

You were now one week away from your 8 month mark and you were still horny. After that amazing night together, Harry went from softly dicking you down to sex lockdown. His fingers and mouth were in heavy and really the only things in rotation, and you were dying to have his cock inside of you. It’s also notable to point out that this was the first time in you guys’ relationship that Harry tried to not have sex with you. Which meant that this entire situation was uncharted territory and you were extremely ready to get back to what you were familiar with. And that would be regular sex. And you were planning on getting it by any means necessary. Even if it meant that you would be the one on your knees.

See, you’d been trailing behind Harry all day long. After he used his mouth on you first thing this morning, you were in need for more. Even though you were thinking it, you didn’t want to just come out and say “I want sex!”. You didn’t want to ignite one of you guys’ frequent and very trivial tit for tat battles, so you just followed him around and kept as close as possible. You even pulled up a chair and cuddled up next to him as he had a zoom meeting with his team. Even though he was kind of the reason why you had as a serious ache between your thighs, you weren’t going anywhere. You continued to sit there with him for the entire duration of his meeting, keeping yourself busy on your phone until you were able to have his full attention. And once you did, you pounced; you were going to get rid of that ache. As soon as he hung up, you lifted your head up from his shoulder and you carefully slide yourself down onto the floor before moving between your legs.

“Y/n, get up off the floor!” He exclaims concernedly, leaning himself forward to help get you up from the floor.

“No! I want your cock.” You whine, bringing your hands up to tug at the waistband of his sweats. “This is the only way I can get it since you can’t seem to understand that the baby will be perfectly fine if we have sex.” You continue on, tugging at his waistband a bit harder for him to finally lift his hips so that you can pull them down. Once he does, you’re quick to tug them down to his ankles before pulling them off and tossing them to the side. You push his legs apart and you immediately reach out to wrap your hand around his soft and hardening cock. “Just wanna make us feel good.” You explain softly, keeping your eyes locked with his as you bring your mouth in and down onto his cock.

“Oh my- Y/n!” Harry groans, feeling your warm mouth glide down onto him. Harry hadn’t seen you on your knees let alone with his cock in your mouth in a really good while. It’s almost as if he forgot about how good it feels to simply rest on your tongue and inside of your warm mouth. After you take a good amount of him inside your mouth, you just hold him there. You suck on his hardening and girthy shaft a bit but you just hold him on your tongue. Simply having the weight of his cock was already working for you. Once you’ve just head him there for a little longer while squeezing at his thighs, you pull you mouth up from his shaft and you immediately replace your mouth with your hand. You begin tugging at his glistening shaft, keeping your eyes on his cock. As you do this, all you can hear is little moans falling from Harry’s mouth above you. Even though he didn’t want you on your knees at all, he couldn’t deny the fact that your mouth and hands worked wonders.

“So big.” You admire through a whisper, as you push your hand down his shaft one final time before bringing your mouth back onto him. As you do though, you can’t stop yourself from rubbing up against one of his legs. Your clit was tingling and on fire and you needed to quickly rub it out. But once you pushed yourself against him and realized how good it felt, you couldn’t stop. As you pushed your mouth back and forth on his shaft and took him all the way to the back of your throat at times, you managed to simultaneously rub your center against his leg through your leggings. You weren’t able to get much of a rhythm to your movements but you could care less since it felt so good. While you were contently and very happily taking care of yourself and Harry’s cock, Harry was in absolute heaven above you. He had a hand on the back of your head and his own head was tightly tilted back against the top of the chair. Even though he had no problem forgoing his pleasure at times to ensure that you and the baby were okay, it was still nice to have you on your knees with his cock in your mouth. He hadn’t seen that sight in a good while and he was looking forward to a time where he could see it more often. What was even better than you having your mouth on him was the fact that you were practically humping his leg and trying to get yourself off in the process. And not only could he hear your muffled whimpers and moans, Harry could also feel them. As you continued to suck and gag on him, he could feel the vibrations from your moans on his cock.

“Feelin’ good down there baby?” Harry moans through a string of pants, feeling your movements against his leg and cock become more feverish. To reply, you pull your mouth up from his shaft and you rest your head on one of his thighs as you continue to more for hand and yourself against him.

“So good.” You moan dreamily, feeling yourself get closer to a release.

“Look so pretty too.” He begins, bringing his hand that was on the back of your head to your cheek. “Love seein’ my pretty and pregnant little wife on her knees f’me.” He moans as he watches you play with the head of him and lick at his shaft while continuing your movements against his leg. “Even prettier when she’s using me to get herself off. Is that pretty little pussy of yours feeling good sweetheart?” He asks softly through his continued moans, as he begins to feel the damp spot that bled right through your panties and leggings against his leg.

“Feels so good.” You whimper before bringing your mouth to the swollen head of his cock to suckle on him. Your tongue was swirling all around the sensitive edge of his swollen head and you even pushed the tip of your tongue against his slit, causing him to practically melt into his seat.

“Wanna cum with me sweetheart?” He asks shakily through a string of strained moans as he feels his own release speeding towards him.

“Mhm!” You mumble, keeping your mouth on him. To push him right into his release, you use your free hand thats resting on his thigh down between his legs to squeeze his warm and full balls in you hand.

“Fuck! Cum with me baby!” He shouts, feeling himself falling right into his release. And as he does, so do you. You keep yourself pressed tightly against his leg as you let go. The grip you had on him with your mouth gets tighter as the wave of your release washes over you. You could feel yourself just melting away as you came. Harry could feel your juices coating his skin as he came right in your mouth. It felt so good to just let go with each other and ride out the blissful waves of your releases.

Once you’re all done swallowing every drop of his cum, you pull your mouth off of Harry’s cock and you move back off of his leg before reaching over to grab his pants and help him put them on. But he quickly brings your actions to an immediate halt.

“You don’t have to help me with that sweetheart, let’s just get you back up and comfortable.” He directs, taking the pants from your hands and sitting them on the desk before helping you get up from the floor below him. Once you’re up, he guides you back to the seat you were once sitting in before swiftly putting his pants back on.

“Feelin’ better lovie?” He asks sweetly, leaning over to plant a kiss to one of your chubby cheeks. Before you could even think about it, you just blurt out how you were actually feeling.

“M’feeling good al all, it’s just that we’re getting real close to the due date and I want to get as much of you and your cock in as possible because once I have the baby I’ll be all stitched up and healing, during and after that we’ll be tired from taking care of a newborn, and I don’t know how I’m gonna feel and stuff afterwards so I really want you as much as possible. So stop being overprotective and let me have your cock!” You bluntly and quickly explain, feeling a little pool of tears beginning to well up in your eyes.

“Don’t cry baby!” He coos softly to you, pulling up from your seat and into his lap. “M’sorry for not taking better care of you and being so over protective. Just don’t want anything to happen to you or bubs.” He explains, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around you.

“You do an amazing job at taking care of me and I love you so much for that. But we’ll be fine. And if bubs isn’t for it, she’ll just kick me like she always does.” You reassure him with a little smile spread across your face.

“I guess you’re right.” He chuckles, bringing his hand down to your swollen stomach.

“I know.” You sigh happily, nuzzling your head down into his shoulder. “Now I think that we can agree on cockwarmimg every night, even when we have little naps during the day.” You propose.

“I can do that and anything else you want doll.” Harry readily agrees, more than happy to give you what you wanted.

“Good! Now can we go upstairs and take a nap, I’m a little tired? Being on my knees and getting up wore me out.”

“Anything for you my princess.” He chuckles.

In these next couple of weeks, Harry was going to make sure you got everything you needed…but obviously with caution of course because it was still Harry you were talking about here.

Masterlist

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cilliansgirl · 4 years ago

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angel ✧ finn shelby

Pairing: Finn Shelby x Female!reader

Warnings: mentions of rape, sex, just overall bad themes

Summary: After Finn left (Y/N), she goes to another Peaky boy for comfort. But three months in, he gets a little too comfortable and her boys aren’t there to save her this time.

A/N: This is bad bc I literally wrote it in 30 mins but hey ideas are sparking which I am not opposed to.

GIF IS NOT MINE

She'd only given in because she was lonely. She didn't love him. He had only been there for her company. Now here she was, unable to get flee from the situation. He asked her to get married; she knew by the golden glint in his eyes that he was serious. She cared for him, but not as much as she did Finn. When did they even start dating? She doesn't remember. The past three months have all been a blur to her. It was all for comfort, all to satisfy her physical needs. She didn't know what to say. She blankly stared at the simple diamond ring held out to her. She felt her whole body shut down. She had to do it. She had to reject him because he wasn't Finn.

"I'm sorry, I-I can't," she whispered, almost inaudible.

"But you said you loved me," he retorted, his rage starting to rise.

"I don't."

"You don't love me or you won't because I'm not him," the man angrily slipped back.

“Both,” she stated, finally making contact with the firing rage in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she attempted to rush out the house but not before he harshly grabbed her wrist.

“You’re not leaving me,” he shot back.

“Please, please, stop,” she urged softly, twisting her hand to escape his grip.

He shouted, “No!”

Before she became aware, it was all happening. He had grabbed her waist and turned her towards him. She was fighting and fighting but he had taken advantage. It was never supposed to happen like this. She never meant it to go this far. She stopped fighting, she gave up. The boys had taught her how to fight when she was with them, but he was simply too strong. Nothing could save her. Her clothes were ripped off, her whole body became numb. She felt like a rag doll; being used, pulled, thrown in every which way. She didn’t really believe in God, but in this moment all she did was pray. Prayed that someone, anyone, would walk through the door. Prayed that Isaiah would walk through the door and save her like he always did, but no one came.

The next three hours were traumatizing. She just wanted to go home, so she did. She left while he was asleep, cautious not to wake him. Her clothes were ripped to shreds; she was in no place to be walking the streets of Small Heath, especially in the cold weather. The only decent piece of clothing keeping her covered was her long trench coat. She arrived at her door after what seemed like an eternity. She hurried and slammed the door shut just as harshly as she entered, swiftly locking every bolt on the door. Her first thought was to get it all off, every filthy touch and heinous word had to be washed out, so that is what she did. She doesn’t exactly know how long she had been sitting in the tub, but she knew it was time to get out when the water began chilling. She wrapped herself in a black cotton towel and grabbed her undergarments from her wardrobe.

After dressing herself slowly, the young girl looked in the mirror at the marks the man had given her. She thought unforgivable things.

Maybe this is what I get.

Maybe its karma for your family’s past.

I don’t know what to feel.

You cried the entire time, you have no more tears left.

Maybe screaming would let out my emotions.

Or even sleeping.

I have to tell someone.

Tell who? You have no one around.

Tommy, Finn, Micheal, Pol, anyone.

They don’t love you anymore.

Don’t say that.

You’re not Finn’s girl now, they left you. Accept it.

But Isiah-

No. Isiah hasn’t come to visit you since you moved on your own.

I need protection, what if he comes back and hurts me again?

Let’s leave, we can go to London.

No, Small Heath is home.

Before the voice could rebuttal there was a startling knock on the front door. She quickly got covered in a casual dress with a slip on over to hide the animalistic marks and bruises. On her way out from her room, she grabbed the pistol Finn had given her on their first official date.

Use it if I’m not there, alright?

She sneakily padded her bare feet to the door, careful not to make any noises the would alert the visitor there was anyone home. She put the pistol up to the door, looking through the peephole, holding her breath.

She sighed, it was only Pol. She tossed the pistol on the vanity in the hallway, pulling her slip tighter around her so Pol wouldn’t be able to make out the bruises. She unlocked the four bolts that held the door down before swinging it open with a small smile.

“My dear (Y/N)!” Polly exclaimed, bringing her in for an embrace.

“Hello, Polly,” she spoke, more quiet than usual, which didn’t go unnoticed by Ms. Polly Gray.

“Please, come in, get yourself out of the cold,” (Y/N) continued.

As Polly made her way to the dining room table, (Y/N) shut the door, gathering her slip once again.

She walked into the kitchen, not daring to make eye contact with Polly.

“Can I get you anything Pol? Water, tea, whiskey?”

Polly quietly shook her head, bringing the ashtray on the dining table closer to her. (Y/N) made her way to sit across from Polly, finally able to meet her eyes.

“Why are you here, Pol?”

“Just because you and Finn are not together anymore does not mean I will not come visit you,” Pol criticized, taking a drag from her cigarette.

“Mhmm,” (Y/N) hummed quietly, pulling her notebook in front of her, trying to make herself busy. What (Y/N) didn’t think about was that reaching over the table caused her slip to droop down her neck, exposing one of the worse marks.

“God, (Y/N)! What happened to you!” Polly shouted, throwing her cigarette on the table, rushing to inspect (Y/N)’s body.

Instinctively (Y/N) pulled the slip closer to her body, “It’s nothing Polly, just leave it.” Before Polly could even reach (Y/N), she had scurried off to her room and locked the door, ignoring the shouting of her name while doing so.

(Y/N) curled herself up in the corner of her room, knees to chest, head resting on the tops of her knees. Minutes later (Y/N) heard someone approach the door. They attempted to twist the handle, but to no avail.

“(Y/N), just tell me what happened. I promise I will not get upset,” Polly stated softly.

“No, I can’t,” (Y/N) sniffled, “It’s all my fault Pol.”

“Hey, hey. Just open the door and we can talk about it.”

As seconds passed, the young girl gathered herself and slowly eased the door open, leading Polly to sit on the edge of her bed.

“We don’t have to talk, I just need you to shake your head yes or no,” Polly eased.

(Y/N) shook her head in agreement.

“Was it the new Peaky boy recruit you met at the Garrison?”

Yes.

“Was it consensual?”

No.

“Did he hurt you?”

Yes.

“(Y/N), were you raped?”

Yes.

The hot tears streamed down the girls face, while Polly leaned over and embraced her, welcoming (Y/N) to cry in her chest.

“Come on, darling. I’m going to make a call,” Polly whispered, kissing the top of her (h/c) hair.

The two walked to the phone that was in the main entrance corridor. Once the phone call as over, it wasn’t 1 hour that all of the boys were over at (Y/N)’s; they were comforting her, not really knowing what to do, so they decided the best thing to give her was space.

(Y/N) leant on Micheal’s shoulder, his arm rubbing up and down her back.

“He’s taken care of (Y/N),” Tommy squatted down in front of her, “He won’t be coming near you ever again, darling.”

(Y/N) nodded, quietly thanking them for taking care of the issue. But all of them know that they couldn’t rid their best girl of the trauma she experienced.

it wasn’t long until Finn and Isiah walked through the door; if you thought the atmosphere was already tense, you were very much mistaken. Polly looked at the grown men and then to Finn, ushering them out of the room so (Y/N) could take to Finn alone.

He sat on the couch next to her; it was obvious that he had been crying too. But his tears were tears of rage and anger. Rage and confusion on why anyone in their right mind would do this to a sweet and stunning girl like her.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, angel,” he whispered, “I should’ve never left you alone. I should know better.”

“Why’d we end it?” She asked, catching him off guard.

“I-uhmm-I was afraid of putting you in danger. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you,” Finn spoke.

“Well, looks like that was thrown out the window,” she joked, yet still with a monotone voice.

“Come back with me.”

She turned to him, “What?!”

“Come back home. You’re safer with me than with anyone else. I’ll make sure no one even looks at you the wrong way. Just please come back home,” Finn pleaded.

(Y/N) hesitantly nodded, leading in to kiss him as he did the same. After they pulled apart, she rested her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her, safely. For the first time in four months she felt at home.

“I’m never leaving you again, understand. No one hurts my angel.”

#peaky blinders #finn shelby x reader #finn shelby #thomas shelby #tommy shelby #polly gray #tommy shelby x reader #finn #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky fucking blinders #imagine #cillian murphy imagine #harry kirton #blurb #etc #dashboard #sorry lol #i dont know what this is

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melzula · 4 years ago

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omg can you please write about zuko meeting jet’s sister (or a badass freedom fighter) on the ferry to ba sing se and have her defend zuko and iron when jet accuses them. Then she becomes a regular at the tea shop and they both get to know each other and bring their walls down 🥺

a/n: I’m going to do this as a hc if you don’t mind just bc I think it fits better that way!

After being orphaned at the hands of the Fire Nation and having nowhere else to run, you found yourself being welcomed into the Freedom Fighters by Jet

Having been trained to fight by your mother who had been a former Kyoshi warrior before meeting your father, you were a very useful asset to Jet and the group. A master of stealth, agile on her feet, and, handy when it came to fighting with your mother’s fans, you were the perfect warrior

It also helped that you were good at administering first aid and taking care of some of the younger kids of the group who greatly looked up to you

Anyway,

You join Jet, Smellerbee, and Longshot on their journey to Ba Sing Se for a fresh start, something you could definitely use

And it’s on the ship that you meet Lee and his Uncle Mushi

The way you move ever so swiftly and gracefully during the food heist has that boy weak in the knees. He’s got a thing for powerful girls

But it’s the way that you generously hand out your winnings to the other refugees on the ship that really has him interested in you. Your kind smile, the way you quietly converse with the people you meet, how you refuse to eat until everyone is served and happy. Zuko was used to powerful women, but a girl with a strong hand and an even stronger heart? Hand in marriage, please

As people begin to settle in for the night and sleep, you find yourself enjoying the quiet of the night alongside your new accomplice

“You’re kind of quiet,” you note to a rather tense Lee. “You must have been through a lot.”

“Yeah...”

He’s very unresponsive but you don’t mind. He’s shy and honestly a little intimidated by you, but your company is nice so he doesn’t completely shut you out and you appreciate that

Once you get to Ba Sing Se you don’t see him for a while, too busy settling in to your new life and getting adjusted to seek him out

Until Jet tells you that Lee and Mushi are firebenders

“Did you get knocked across the head or something?” You retort. “Lee and Mushi are just two refugees who want to make a better life for themselves, why do you have to be such a jerk?”

“I’m telling you, y/n! I saw the old man fire bend his tea! We have to tell someone.”

“We aren’t telling anyone anything. We’re here for a fresh start and I’m not going to let you ruin that!”

Jet keeps pestering you about it and honestly? You don’t want to hear it. So he gives you a peace offering: a nice warm cup of tea, free of charge and completely him. How can you refuse?

Of course, you aren’t aware of the underlying intentions

“These two men are fire benders!”

“Jet!”

“I saw the old man heating his tea.”

“...He works in a tea shop.”

You try to stop him from making a scene, but Jet is stubborn and hungry for vengance

You also try to stop the two boys from fighting but Mushi holds you back, so you can only watch on with worry hoping neither one gets hurt

When Jet is taken away by the Dai Lee you find yourself too distraught to face anyone, and so Smellerbee and Longshot take you home to grieve in private. Though you don’t know it, Zuko watches you go with a sense of sympathy

You return to the tea shop the next day to offer your apologies for Jet’s bevaior and offer up the little money you have to help pay for any damages caused but Mushi is not having it

“If you’d like to repay us in order to ease your guilt, then perhaps you can do so by having a nice cup of tea with my nephew.”

Zuko: ....

Iroh: ;)

It’s a little awkward at first considering you’re still kind of upset about Jet and Zuko is still nervous in your presence

But then a hesitant hand rests gently upon your own and a blushing Lee refuses to meet your gaze

“I’m sorry about your friend.”

“Thank you,” you smile faintly.

You find yourself visiting the tea shop more often to help keep your mind off Jet and also because Lee is actually really good company once you get him talking. He’s different than the guys you’ve met before, and there’s a mysterious side to him that makes you gravitate towards him

You both learn that the two of you have lost your mothers to the Fire Nation, a shared pain that definitely brings you closer. He learns of your Kyoshi heritage, of your time with the Freedom Fighters, and you learn of his close relationship with Mushi and his adjustment to his new life in Ba Sing Se

Zuko finds it hard trying to make a home out of the hidden city, but you definitely make things easier

Slowly but surely you’re both starting to understand each other, taking cautious steps in your little dance, unknowingly growing dangerously close to falling in love

But when it happens neither of you seem to mind, and for once everything seems to fall in to place

| zuko tags: @rainteslerrrr @oddment-niwit-blubber-tweak @thebluelcdy @royahllty @the-firebender-girl @coldlilheart @ilovespideyyy @yiyibetch @eridanuswave @lammello @a-monsters-love @knaite-solo |

#zuko #zuko x reader #zuko imagine #zuko headcanon #prince zuko #prince zuko x reader #prince zuko imagine #jet #jet x reader #avatar the last airbender #atla #atla x reader #request

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myherowritings · 5 years ago

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ok this might sound like a dumb request but i thought it would be funny so reader is married to bakugou and you go to his agency and the new receptionist is mean to you and bakugou goes up to the receptionist and they are like “what a bitch” and bakugou just goes “that was my wife”

pairing: pro hero!bakugou katsuki x female!reader

author’s note: give me pro hero bakugou or give me death. lolol. thank you for the request! it wasn’t dumb at all, i found it hilarious and fun to write. ^-^ plus, PRO HERO BAKUGOU. what more can one need? xx sofia

[coming up next: secretary/manager!reader request bc that trope owns me]

“Don’t tell me that idiot forgot his lunch again…”

Grumbling under your breath, you sighed as you spotted his red bento box sitting in the refrigerator. It was right next to his favorite water bottle with a sticky note in your handwriting that read, ‘DON’T FORGET YOUR LUNCH, BAKA xoxo’.

And yet, there it was. Neglected in the fridge.

You realized maybe you should’ve placed the sticky note on the door so he could see it before leaving, but hindsight was 20/20 after all.

It wasn’t that Katsuki was forgetful, per se– In fact, he was the exact opposite of that. He was observant and attentive, even when he tried to appear like he wasn’t. But with the recent developments in his hero agency as well as an unusual spike of crime in the Shibuya ward, his hands have been quite full lately.

You noticed he came home later looking more tired than usual, but the determined spark in his eyes never wavered. That was something you had always admired about him.

What you didn’t so much admire, however, was when Bakugou let his motivation to be the best take the driver’s seat while his sleep and wellbeing got shoved in the trunk.

“How are you supposed to save the world and be the Number One Hero if you don’t fucking feed yourself?” you scolded, even though he was at work and couldn’t hear you.

Today, you took a very rare and much needed day off from work because–unlike your husband–you knew it was okay to take a break if you really needed it. And while you planned to stay home and finish reading your current book, you supposed you could take a break from relaxing and deliver Katsuki his lunch.

In record time, you changed out of your pajamas and grabbed the bento box from the refrigerator, making sure you grabbed your house keys before leaving to catch the train.

You sighed, resting your head against the window of the crowded train. “The things I do for this man.”

Okay– You didn’t exactly need to bring his lunch to him. You very well knew Bakugou was capable of running to the convenience store and grabbing a somewhat filling meal, but they weren’t made with love. This one was.

Besides, you enjoyed visiting him at the agency. It was nice to see him in his element, and you got along with all of the staff. Especially that one receptionist of his! She was a lovely older lady who always had the best sweets to give.

But when you stepped foot inside his office, bento box and water bottle in hand, she was nowhere in sight.

Instead, you saw a much younger woman typing away at the monitor.

“Hi, there!” you greeted, a warm smile on your face as you peered at her name badge. Hayashi. “Did Sugiyama-san take the day off?”

She barely spared you a glance. “Sugiyama-san no longer works here. Are you lost or something?”

You let out a forced laughter. “No, I’m just looking for Katsuki– Ground Zero.”

The clicking sound of the keyboard stopped and Hayashi turned her attention to you, eyeing you up and down with what seemed like a disdainful look on her face. You blinked.

“Ground Zero isn’t doing any fan signings right now, sweetheart.”

Bristling at her condescending tone, the smile on your face slowly slipped. “Actually, sweetheart, I’m here to bring Kacchan his lunch.”

Hayashi narrowed her eyes. “We don’t accept food as fanmail, but you can always try the dumpster in the alleyway.”

“Excuse me?” you said, voice raised in a sharp tone. If this was Katsuki’s new receptionist, you were going to have to ask him who the fuck would give her the job. “This isn’t fanmail, this is his lunch which he forgot at our home! And even if it was fanmail, you have no right to be so rude to those who look up to Ground Zero and view him as–”

“I’m a little too busy for a lecture right now, miss,” she interrupted with a fake smile, turning back to her screen. “But you can put whatever you have to say in a letter.”

“Keep talking and I’ll put something up your–”

“What’s going on here?”

You froze at his voice, slowly turning your head to face a stern-looking Bakugou with his arms folded over his chest. The glare on his face directed towards his receptionist was so scalding, even you were sympathetic for her.

“Hi, honey,” you greeted with a smile, his gaze softening when his eyes met yours. “You forgot your–”

“Ground Zero!” Hayashi cut you off with a gasp, not seeming to realize the deep pile of shit she was already in. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

The wrinkle between Bakugou’s brow reappeared as he scowled at her. “What do you want?”

Not noticing his menacing look, she pointed her index finger at you and continued, “This lady stormed in here and starting making outrageous claims and threatening me! Can you believe that? What a bitch.”

Katsuki blinked.

You gaped. Not so much at her uncalled for words, but her unprofessionalism. Who would use that terminology in front of their boss?

“This lady you’re calling a bitch?” His eyes narrowed into slits. “She’s my wife.”

There was a moment of silence where the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Bakugou was so angry you could hear the popping noises sounding from his forearms, and Hayashi’s face was a sickly pale when she realized the gravity of her words.

“Now, would you like to repeat what you just said, Hayashi?” he asked, voice low and biting.

She shook her head meekly. “N-No, Ground Zero, s-sir.”

“That’s what I thought.” With one final glower in her direction, Bakugou walked over to you, placing his warm hands on your upper arms and holding you close. “Are you okay?”

You nodded, greeting him with a quick peck on the cheek as you felt him begin to calm down. To ease the tension, you gave him a smile, holding up a neatly wrapped bento box in a red furoshiki. “You forgot your lunch again.”

With a short exhale of laughter, he accepted the food with a shake of his head.

“You have to make sure you’re eating well,” you scolded, patting his cheek gently. “If you keep forgetting your food, I’m going to start to think you’re doing it on purpose so I visit you more often.”

“I would never.”

“Sure, you wouldn’t.”

He rolled his eyes, but his annoyed look didn’t seem as genuine when there was a smile threatening to form on his face. “Want to head up to my office for lunch? I can call off work early and we can go home after.”

You beamed, lighting up at the idea of Katsuki taking a much needed break from work, even if just for a few hours. “Sounds perfect.”

As you intertwined your fingers with his and walked out of the foyer, Bakugou turned around and called for his receptionist.

“Oh– Right. Hayashi?”

She bolted upright, smoothing her hair down with a cautious look. “Yes, sir?”

“You’re fired.”

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matazz · 3 years ago

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entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

#roy endoza writing #roy endoza #writing

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robertspatts · 7 years ago

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hiii pls write a fluffy af stozier fic pls

The Card- Stanley Uris x Richie Tozier

AN: Wasn’t sure if this was in reference to platonic or romantic stozier but I wrote platonic bc I feel that shit in my soul

I am so bad at writing dialogue so sorry the ending is so messy

I AM SO SORRY THIS ENDED UP WAY MORE ANGSTY THAN FLUFFY I’LL TRY A MORE FLUFFY ONE NEXT TIME

TW: child abuse/neglect, verbal abuse, domestic violence

Word Count: 1.3k

The echoes of screams bounced off the wall in Richie’s bedroom, as his stepdad shoved his mother, for what he could only guess had been the 10th time tonight. She had been drinking again, Richie knew that, he had stopped trying to wake his mother in the mornings to take him to school, knowing that if he did, her eyes would be glassed-over and dismissive, like she wasn’t even there at all. Richie tried to drown out the noise with a ‘The Cure’ record spinning in the background. It was one of the albums Bill had told him to check out, just as he was leaving for his winter trip…

“GET HIM THE FUCK OUT.” His attention was suddenly snapped back to the screaming occurring downstairs. Richie knew all too well what this meant, his mother had yet again blamed him for her drinking, just to keep that cocksucker around. Richie jolted upwards, looking at the drainpipe outside his window wondering if the pain of climbing down it would hurt more or less than his stepdad slapping him across the cheek. Over the past year, Richie had realised that each slap got more painful, each one reminded him that his mother had chosen this bastard over her only son. Richie grabbed his backpack swiftly, stuffed in a few dirty clothes that he had lying on the ground and climbed out the window, just as he heard the sounds of pounding footsteps coming up the stairs.

*********

It wasn’t the first time that Richie had run away from home, but it was the first time he truly felt he had nowhere to go:

Bill was away on holidays. Beverly never let anyone come over. Ben was busy studying for the SAT’s even though they were more than 6 months away. Mike had scored an internship at a museum in Portland. He couldn’t go to Eddie because… he was afraid of what could come out, if he was that emotionally vulnerable in front of Eddie Kaspbrak, his best friend, that was all he was… Richie constantly tried to remind himself of this.

Then there was Stan, the only one of the Losers who noticed the bruises appearing on Richie’s face about a year ago. He pulled him away quietly and told him that his home was always open, if he needed it. Even though Richie played it off as a joke, telling Stan “I don’t wanna come over and fucking worship the Torah with you”, he appreciated Stanley Uris more than he could ever know.

But he couldn’t go there. The last time he did, Richie stupidly was himself and let out an F-bomb in front of Stan’s mother. Stan hurriedly shushed him as his mother beckoned him to the kitchen. Stan spoke in a hushed voice but Andrea Uris’ voice was as clear as day.

“Do I raise you to hang out with people like… him? His mother drinks herself silly and you can’t walk past that house without hearing yelling, no wonder his father left them. I’m just trying to protect you Stanley, I don’t want you hanging around the wrong sort” Andrea sounded disgusted, which Richie completely understood, his family disgusted him just as much. Richie snuck out of the house while Stan was trying to plead his case to his mother, vowing never to visit Stan’s house again, because the thought of causing an uprising in the Uris household was far too much for him to bear.

Richie came to a stop in the middle of an intersection, realising his train of thought had brought him to the street just before Stanley’s. He cursed his subconscious for dragging him to the one place he promised to never go, but he supposed he needed somewhere to stay and maybe it would be okay, because Stan’s parents would be asleep. He could be gone by morning and his presence wouldn’t bring destruction as it did to every other place he went.

He knocked tentatively on Stan’s door, fearing that Stan wouldn’t want to see him either, after the last incident at his house. Stan swung open the door and immediately pulled him into a hug. Richie hadn’t realised that his cheeks were stained with tears, Stan had always been the most observant of each of the Losers emotions. Richie hadn’t been hugged by Stan since they were in preschool, when they had had a fight over the toys in the sandpit and the teacher demanded they mended it by physical contact. The feeling of Stan’s arms around his tiny body (Stan had an incredible growth spurt over the last year, much to the rest of the Losers’ dismay) caused him to completely break down and sob into his best friend’s chest.

“Oh fuck, Richie,” Stan said, his arms tightening around the boy who called himself trashmouth, watching him empty his soul onto his pyjama shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Richie sniffed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, I’m such a fuck up Stan, nobody wants me, I’m going to go, I’m sorry.”

“Richie there’s no way I’m letting you stay outside in the cold, you better come inside or…” Stan paused, trying to think of a way to coax Richie inside. “…or I’ll get all the Losers here to help me comfort you,” he finished, knowing that Richie would rather die than have the rest of the Losers worry about him.

Stan took Richie inside and brought him up to his room, set up a mattress beside his bed and once Richie was comfortable, sat beside him and gave him the cup of hot cocoa he had just made for himself. He tentatively wrapped his arms around his best friend, not knowing what to say just yet. He wanted to be there for him more than anything, but he had been learning something about triggers in his psychology class, and he was feeling more cautious around Richie than he ever had been.

“Am I a bad person Stan?” Richie asked emotionlessly. “I feel like I’m a bad person. All the bad things that happen to me, they must happen for a reason, they must happen because I’m a terrible person, right?”

Stan felt his heart sink. He always prided himself on being the caring friend, the one who people could turn to when they were feeling down, but with Richie, he felt completely lost for words.

“Rich…” Stan paused. “I’ve looked up to you since we were in preschool, when you stood up to Belch Huggins and told him off for stealing my sandwich. You’ve always been the strongest one out of all of us Losers. You don’t always have to be strong, you know that right?”

Stan got up and grabbed a small card from the corner of his dresser.

‘Dear Stan, Thank u for being my bestest friend in the world. I like u because u make me laugh and even though u r a nerd its ok’

Richie laughed, “God, how old was I when I wrote this shit, it’s terrible.”

Stan smiled, “I think it was just before 2nd grade, anyways, I kept it here in my room because I love being your best friend Rich. You can stay here as long as you want okay, it’ll be like an all year sleepover, we can play video games and shit, everything is going to be okay.”

Richie nodded. “Thanks Stanley, you fucking Jew,” he teased.

Stanley rolled his eyes at his trashmouth friend. “Please go to sleep Richie, you look exhausted.”

Stan hopped into bed and looked down at his sleeping friend below him and he noticed that for the first time in a long time, Richie looked at ease. Stan hoped he had given him a place where he was truly wanted.

Taglist: @january-emb3rs @denbruhh @toshitophchan @richiietozierr @goshdarndiddlyheck @birdbabestan @httpsalien @ri-chietozier

#it2017 #it1990 #stozier #stanley uris #richie tozier #stanley x richie #fanfic #writing #mine #the losers club #why is everything i write angsty

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yellowtonin · 8 years ago

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A long ramble-y truthful tea time on my struggles last quarter #unfilteredstudyblr

i have been neglecting this blog and all you lovelies and for that i sincerely apologize. i’d like to explain and take this opportunity to open up a dialogue on the struggles of being a student - something that really needs to be discussed more within the studyblr community and in real life as well. it’s human nature to share our success and bury our failures, even if they eat us alive. there have been efforts to change this and it was definitely a goal of mine when i started this studyblr, to be open about my entire journey. but i failed.

before i word-vomit any more, thank you for reading this! it’s actually been a while in the making but i didn’t have the power to post it until now. this isn’t meant to be a “how to not be an ina” or a warning of any sort. i simply want to share this so if there’s anyone willing to brave wading through these paragraphs who’s going through the same thing, they know they aren’t alone. i know some people go through more in life, but these are my struggles. i couldn’t bring myself to post on this blog or even reblog and visit other studyblr’s bc seeing everyone’s “perfect” notes and “perfect” academic lives and “perfect” grades was too much. i don’t often see people share such downfalls in their academic life online and i hope this changes because we should have each others’ backs. if you need someone to talk to, i’m here. i will be back to posting notes and such now. i will also be checking my asks more regularly (sorry loves I just couldn’t). smell ya later, loves~

winter quarter (so the past few months) was very draining and i’m sorry to say that i really couldn’t bring myself to put anything substantial here. i thought i had a better handle on minimizing stress by preparing material in advance, prioritizing better, managing my time better… i practiced self care more than ever, made efforts to take care of my physical being, ate healthy. i took breaks. the quarter was definitely off to a great start. and yet, it all went downhill a couple of weeks in. some habits i maintained and others didn’t work out as well. i started eating less but indulging in junk foods more. i made efforts to exercise but made even more excuses. i was constantly drained. i did manage to stay relatively on top of my course material but the cost was that i was overworking myself by never giving my mind a break.

some other elements were out of my control, like how my three hardest midterms were scheduled on the same two days and how my finals scheduled three on one day and one the next. or how my biochem class was team-taught and both professors’ had completely polar teaching methods. i also underestimated my classes when i signed up for them; i had expected biochem and my neuro classes to be the hardest but physics surprised me. i thought psych would be my relaxed, fun class but the material was more neuro than psych, so it wasn’t. i didn’t truly enjoy any of my classes. yes, i had friends in them. yes, i liked my professors. but no. i didn’t enjoy the material i was studying.

now, this happens to any student; there’s always some subject for which your method of learning and thinking an visualizing and understanding isn’t suited for. for most people these are their math classes. for me it’s chem and practically anything that focuses on processes at the molecular level. and when it takes additional effort to understand a subject, we students tend not to enjoy it. my neuro, physics, and biochem classes all focused on things at the molecular level. yay.

my second biochem midterm was the hour before my physics midterm and boy oh boy was i a ball of anxiety, and i’m using the a-word in its medical sense, not colloquial. so guess what happened? that’s right, an anxiety attack. a full blown anxiety attack within the first ten minutes of the test. my heart was pounding, my vision was narrowing, i couldn’t breathe… i thought i was having a heartattack. the worst part about this, the absolute worst part was that i was thinking logically. i knew it was just a test and that i had done all that i could in the limited time i had. i knew that everything would be alright even though no, i didn’t know some pathways, but there was so much more i knew!!! i knew i was capable of getting through that exam. i knew i was “”��overreacting””” (additional quotation marks bc no i do not condone comparing anxiety to overreacting). and yet my body was doing its own thing. i handed my test to my ta, explained my situation in a few words and rushed to sob in the bathroom. my ta, bless her soul, talked to my profs and arranged for me to take the makeup test. she met me in the bathroom and said all the right things and then got my stuff and sent me on my way, 30 minutes before my phyiscs exam. i cried randomly throughout the entire day.

i went to talk to my neuro prof about possibly postponing that exam since it was the next day but he uncomfortably informed me that i required a doctor’s note. and yes, i did randomly burst into tears in front of him. no, i wasn’t embarrassed. i was just tired. he told me the best thing would probably to sleep and i agreed. so i went home, napped for an hour and then studied far less than i had hoped to. it was hard. it was tough. my head was pounding like there were a thousand drums within it. i took the rest of that day off and then started relearning everything i needed for my biochem exam. it was sadly surprising to realize how little i retained when i had studied the first time; my brain truly didn’t store that information. that makeup test, though harder than the actual as was policy, was a blessing.

this wasn’t the first time i broke down during an exam (throwback to one of my orgo exams… a story for another time) but this was the worst. it also seemingly came out of nowhere bc you know what?? i didn’t feel bad at all. i kept telling myself i was doing all that i could for both my head and my grades. i subconsciously lied to myself and successfully too! i can honestly say i didn’t see it coming, even in retrospect. but it taught me a lot. i didn’t get enough time to rest after my midterms but i started studying for my finals a couple of weeks in advance and took plenty of breaks and watched plenty of the animated star trek. i wasn’t able to go home as i like to do in such dark times but i was fortunate enough to have my mom visit with my furbabies for the remaining period. having a support system near is so so important. i feared for my grades because i was honestly far too close to c’s for comfort in those 3 classes. but i pulled through. i did better than i could’ve hoped with a significant improvement in my neuro exam score compared to previous ones. my overall grade was still within a standard deviation to the average so i got a b- but i have never before been so proud of myself for a b-. i pulled b’s in my other two classes as well and am also so so proud. spring break was calling my name and i threw myself wholeheartedly into the endeavor of relaxing. i spend time with friends and family. i stayed home and went out on the town. i drew and read and watched tv and also took walks around the lake and cuddled with my furbabies. i let myself heal for a while. and now i’m back for spring quarter. i’m being cautious now in ensuring my class load is manageable. i’m scheduling exercise in and i swear excuses won’t get the best of me. i hope this term is better. and where there is hope and willingness, change follows. i refuse to be blinded to the workings of my own head. i will push myself but respect my limits. i am still not 100 but i am excited for this fresh start.

if this helps even one of you i will be overjoyed. thanks for bearing with me and my rambling~

#unfiltered studyblr #studyblr #mine #ina studies #college #life update

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stillgeekingout · 8 years ago

Text

iiiiiiit’s time for another chapter of the ultimate aaron milverton crossover fic!

this one got obnoxiously long but bear with me. also, you have to have read part 2 of shannen’s secret santa fic for rachel for parts of it to make sense.

previous: 1 here, 2 here, 3 here, 4 here, 5 here, 6 here

A week after returning to DC, Zoe Lasnammer got a phone call from a girl.

“Hello?”

“Zoe! Is that you?”

It wasn’t Hera-- they hadn’t actually exchanged numbers, and Zoe had decided not to stalk her on facebook (no sense getting a crush on a girl who lived so many states away). So she had put away the pink ladies jacket, a keepsake from an enjoyable weekend and nothing more.

“Sorry, who is this?” Zoe asked. The girl’s voice sounded familiar, but she talked to a lot of people because of work so that didn’t help to narrow anything down.

“It’s me! Violet!”

“Violet…?” She tried to rack her brain for someone she may have talked to recently.

“Violet Hunter! Remember? I saved your life from a bus?”

“Wait--the alien girl?” Zoe couldn’t believe that this girl she barely knew would actually be contacting her two years after their brief meeting.

“I told you I’d call if I was ever in DC again!” Violet sounded excited. “Anyway--”

“How did you get this number?”

“I just moved here with my wife and husband,” Violet went on as if Zoe hadn’t said anything, “and I was thinking we should get lunch or something!” Zoe vaguely remembered the girl telling her something about a proposal in the works. Must’ve worked out, she thought.

“Violet, listen, I… enjoyed meeting you but I don’t know if--”

“How about tomorrow? I’ll meet you on your lunch break. You don’t have to bring the aliens.” And with that, Violet hung up.

Zoe stared at her phone, unsure what exactly had just happened.

------

To: Aaron Milverton

Subject: Checking in

Hey bro, how’s everything going? I haven’t heard from you since the con, I want to know all the awesome stuff you and your chapter are achieving!

-Chad

The email from Chad came almost exactly one month after Aaron realized he had feelings for him. It had been a month of moving forward, of settling into his brand new Orlando B4B chapter, and most importantly, of attempting to distract himself from thoughts of Chad. He had almost started succeeding at it, too, before Chad apparently felt the urge to “check in” with him. Which meant that Chad was thinking about him. Which meant that of course Aaron would have to spend the rest of the day thinking about Chad thinking about him. All that progress, right down the drain.

It wasn’t like he had intended to cut Chad out of his life. But how was he supposed to carry on a friendship with Chad if the whole time he was thinking about how pretty (and unavailable) he was? How would he even go about starting that conversation? Hey dude, sorry I acted so weird before, it’s just that every time I see you or think about you I get all flustered and have to lie down. But it’s cool, what’s up with you? What a disaster.

Now, though, here was Chad breaking the awkward month-long silence. He had cared enough to reach out to Aaron and ask about his life. Even with romantic feelings set aside, Aaron found it reassuring that he hadn’t been imagining Chad wanting to be friends with him beyond just organizing the con. If only he could get over himself and enjoy that friendship for what it was.

He decided to text Kate. Ever since she found out that he hadn’t told her about his correspondence with Chad the first time around, she had been giving him a hard time about keeping secrets from her. Maybe she’d have advice. Either way, it’d make her feel like he was including her.

so chad emailed me

?????????

aaron you can’t just say that and not follow up with details

hellooooo

he just said he wanted to “check in” on my new chapter

idk what to say back

talk to him!!!

ok but. how.

tell him about the chapter you dork

He started typing “why, it’s not like that’ll change his mind about anything” then deleted it. Then he typed “idk if I really want to be friends with him when I’m finally starting to” and stopped again. Starting to what? Get over him? Stop thinking about him? Both of those went out the window as soon as he saw that email. His phone vibrated as he was typing his third attempt.

stop overthinking it bc I know that’s what you’re doing

Aaron smiled.

can’t help it

I know.

I think you’ll regret losing a potential friendship

but idk, if you really don’t think you can handle it maybe just break it off

that makes me sound so fragile lol

um, are you not?

shut up

stop texting me and write the damn email aaron

He sighed and tossed his phone aside.

Chad,

He watched his cursor blink on the screen for several minutes, then closed his email and opened a word document. He had seen enough movies to know never to write an “I’m not actually going to send this” email somewhere it could be sent accidentally.

Chad,

I don’t know if I’m happy to hear from you. I keep telling myself you’re just a crush and I’ll get over it soon, but it feels like more than that sometimes. I’ve had some weird dating experiences in the past… or I guess just the one. I told you a little about my ex-girlfriend (who I usually try not to think about) but what I didn’t tell you is that she was involved in my cousin’s murder, and she was basically using me to investigate him. It’s a long story, but I really liked her and it was hard to move on from that knowing that I never meant anything to her except evidence. So anyway ever since then I’ve just been extra cautious, I guess.

It’s kind of scary to like someone again, and I’m not sure if it makes it worse or better knowing ahead of time that the person in question isn’t going to want to date me. It does make me feel better that you’re not dating anyone, not just rejecting me specifically. I don’t know if I ever stood a chance with you, or if you even like guys, but I selfishly don’t want to have to imagine you with someone else.

That sounds really creepy. I’m sorry. It’s a really good thing I’m not actually going to send this.

Anyway, um, give me some time to decide if I still want to be friends. I do, logically, but we’ll see if I can stop thinking about your eyes and hair and smile and voice every time I’m reminded of you.

Time to write my normal email that I’m actually gonna send.

-Aaron

He closed word and opened his email again, feeling like he had gotten all the hard stuff out of the way.

Chad,

So good to hear from you-- thanks for following up! We’re doing really well here, we just started a beach clean-up project along with a few high schools along the coast that already have cleaning days set in place. Also, B4B is a registered club at UCF now so we’ve teamed up with them for some new initiatives…

He went on to describe everything his chapter had been doing since the con, taking care not to get too personal in case Chad really did just want to check in from a service standpoint. He finished the email with “what about you, how are things on your end? -Aaron” and sent it before he could over analyze it too much.

------

“Zoe! Hey, Zoe!”

Zoe was greeted at the steps of her job by an excitedly waving Violet Hunter. She sighed. She knew Violet’s heart was (probably) in the right place, but she didn’t overly feel like befriending this girl who was convinced that Blair and Alex were aliens (and who had stalked her to the point of finding out her phone number, the location she worked and the time of her lunch break).

“Hey, Violet,” she said. “I guess I won’t bother to ask how you found me.”

“You could,” said Violet proudly. “I did it alone, Sherlock lives here now too but she never helps me with this stuff.”

“Okay?” Zoe didn’t know who Sherlock was, and she didn’t actually want to know how Violet tracked her down.

“So, lunch?” Violet said brightly. “Sorry Eliza and John couldn’t make it, I wanted them to meet you. That’s my wife and husband.”

“Um, right. Hey, congratulations on that,” said Zoe, suddenly feeling very single next to a girl with two spouses.

“Thanks! I still wish we could’ve had Blair’s alien fountain magic for the proposal but I’m mostly just glad I didn’t have to do it.”

“There’s a sandwich place around the corner,” Zoe said, not wanting to talk about Blair with Violet.

“Great!” Violet started walking, and Zoe had to skip a little to catch up.

“So, what brings you to DC?” Zoe asked, figuring if Violet was going to insist on hanging out they might as well get to know each other.

“John and Eliza are working at the Smithsonian. And I’m sort of helping Sherlock.”

“Oh, ok.” She didn’t know where to go from there. She still didn’t know who Sherlock was.

“How are Blair and Alex?” Violet asked, narrowing her eyes. “Are you still their companion?”

“Again, I wouldn’t phrase it like that… but they’re fine.”

“And how does your family feel about you living with aliens?”

“Um, it’s just my mom. And she doesn’t know.”

“Ohhhh,” Violet said, then whispered, “Would she compromise the mission?”

“What? No,” said Zoe. “There is no mission.”

“Riiiiight,” said Violet, and winked. “Ooh, is this it? Yum.” They had reached the sandwich shop.

Zoe made small talk for the rest of lunch, but she was distracted by what Violet had said. It was a bit odd, she realized, that she had been living with Alex and Blair in DC for over two years and her mom still thought they were humans. Zoe had introduced them a couple times when her mom was visiting, but she never let them interact with her for long and she made sure Alex used the same human form every time. Her mom had a hard enough time figuring out “they” pronouns, how would she process the truth about Zoe’s godly friends?

But on the other hand, Zoe was used to telling her mom everything. This was such a big secret, one she had gotten used to keeping, but would she just continue it for the rest of her life? It was bad enough being so far away from her mom. Not being able to share every silly thing her friends said or did without heavily filtering her stories was draining after a while.

Zoe couldn’t believe it had taken a very confused (but well-meaning) conspiracy theorist stalker to make her see sense, but she resolved to tell her mom the truth while she was home for Thanksgiving. And at the end of lunch, she found herself agreeing to meet up with Violet again later that week.

------

Aaron,

Sounds fire! I’m really happy for you that you found a good group of people. We’ve been so blessed throughout this whole thing. I feel completely sure now that Blair is watching over us and that she’s proud of us. You indirectly gave me that knowledge through holding the con, and I continue to be grateful for it.

Anyway, enough about B4B, how are you? How’s Kate? How are your parents and Madison? Do they miss you?

-Chad

Aaron read the email several times. Chad continuing to thank him was silly. He owed Aaron no thanks, considering he had started everything in the first place. None of them would have been able to meet Blair, let alone know who she was, without his dedication. More than that, though, it struck him that Chad remembered not only Kate but his little sister’s name and cared enough to ask about both of them.

This time, he didn’t feel the need to write a fake response.

My family’s doing pretty well, I think. I’m going to visit for Thanksgiving so that should be good. Maybe they miss having me around but honestly Orlando is closer to Jacksonville than Doyle was. Maddie keeps saying she wants to come visit me so she can go to Disney World. I don’t think she gets that it’s not cheaper just because I live here now.

He went on to talk about his parents a little more and how he was sure they would buy Disney tickets for winter break to see the Christmas decorations even though they knew it would be miserable and crowded. Then he told Chad about Kate and her latest endeavors.

I’m really grateful to have her to talk to… it gets a little lonely here sometimes. The other members of my new chapter are really great but I don’t know them too well yet. It does make me miss my SACU group. We still talk a little and I’m always happy to hear from them but it’s just hard not to have that dynamic that I got used to over the past couple years, you know?

Chad’s response:

I know I can’t replace your school friends and I know you can still rely on Kate, but I want you to know I’m here for you too if you need someone else to talk to. I care about you, bro.

It was more than Aaron could handle. He shut his laptop and took deep breaths.

Over the next several weeks, they continued emailing back and forth. Sometimes Aaron confessed his true feelings in his secret word document, other times he texted Kate in frustration, but mostly he savored every time he saw that Chad had replied. He had tried to look at it as an opportunity for friendship, but it was futile. With every email he fell for Chad more and more.

Why did Blair have to encourage Chad’s sworn singledom? Would Chad be interested in something beyond friendly email correspondence if she hadn’t? Would that even matter, considering they didn’t live in the same place? Why couldn’t Aaron move on?

------

“Let’s go over it one more time,” said Zoe, putting her van in park in her mom’s driveway. “You guys don’t say anything until I bring it up. Then Alex will change forms, but only when I’ve said that it’s ok, and then--”

Blair sighed from the passenger seat, absentmindedly fiddling with the necklace she always wore. “Zoe, honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I told your mother we were gods years ago.”

“And then we’ll explain, but just the basics, and nothing about all those people you vaporized,” Zoe finished, ignoring her. “I don’t want her to think I’m living with serial killers.”

“Alex has never killed anyone, have you Alex?” Blair said, as though cutting it down to only one serial killer was helpful.

“Nope!” Alex said brightly. “Well I mean, unless you count the people in the fire…”

“No bringing up the fire either. No murders, no accidental arson, just two benevolent gods who happen to like living with a human… because she’ll believe that,” Zoe said, doubting her whole plan. “Agh, why didn’t I do this sooner? Now she’s going to know I’ve been lying to her for years.”

“It’s ok,” said Alex. “She’ll understand. And we’re here for you no matter what.”

Zoe took a deep breath, then unbuckled her seat belt. “Okay,” she said, exhaling. “Let’s do this.”

------

Hey bro, would you believe I have a layover in the JAX airport on my way to Miami for Thanksgiving? Made me think of you.Too bad I don’t have enough time to come visit, that would’ve been sweet. But dude, we’ll be in the same city for a few minutes at least. Kind of a nice thought.

-Chad

If he didn’t want to actually kill Aaron, Chad was going to have to stop being so cute. It was too much to deal with.

Chill, Aaron told himself, you’ll be in the slight geographical vicinity of each other for like, half an hour. Big whoop.

He managed to talk himself out of several hastily-concocted reasons to be at the airport on the same day as Chad’s layover; it wasn’t like he would get past TSA without a flight anyway. He attempted (unsuccessfully, for the most part) to push the email out of his mind.

Being home for Thanksgiving was a welcome distraction. Between helping his parents clean the house for guests and hanging out with his little sister, Aaron was almost busy enough to forget about his loneliness and his unrequited crush and all the other things that were bothering him. Key word: almost. He couldn’t help but occasionally remember that he and Chad would be in the same city and not be able to see each other.

On Tuesday morning, he and Madison were watching Moana on the couch when he got an email notification.

Hey dude! Hope your break is going well. Funny story, my second flight is majorly delayed so I’m stuck in Jacksonville until tonight! I don’t know how close you are to the airport or if you have stuff going on with the fam but did you want to get lunch or something? Btw, I’m realizing email probs isn’t the best for making plans- text me if you see this.

And then Chad had given Aaron his number.

The very first thing Aaron did was text Kate a screenshot of the email with many exclamation points. Then he opened a text to Chad and wrote “bro it’s aaron, omw to the airport now :)” Then he took off the smiley face, added an exclamation point, and sent it.

“Hey Maddie, I’ll be back later, okay?” he said, standing up. “I’m going to get lunch with my friend.”

“But you’re gonna miss away away!” Maddie said. “Away away” was what she called the song that the explorers sang in the flashback. Even two years after the movie had come out, she was obsessed with it. Aaron had already heard the soundtrack at least three times the day before.

“We can watch it again when I get back,” he said. “Promise.”

He told his parents he was meeting a friend from B4B who’d had an unexpected layover, then drove to the airport as fast as his law-abiding self would allow. As he was pulling into the pickup/dropoff section of the airport, his phone rang. He answered, not stopping to look who was calling.

“Hello?”

“Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

“Kate, chill,” he said. (Of course it wasn’t Chad.) “We’re going to lunch, it’s not like it’s a date.”

“I maintain my ‘aaaaahhhhh’,” Kate said. “Are you on your way to the airport?”

“Pulling in now, yeah.” He realized he hadn’t texted Chad to tell him where to go.

“Are you gonna eat there? Or are you going somewhere? Did he say anything else? Are you--”

“Kate!” Aaron cut her off. “I don’t know where we’re going. I have to tell him I’m here though, so--”

“Oh of course, I don’t want to hold you up!” But she kept talking anyway. “Aah I can’t believe he’s going to be in your car! Ok well remember every detail, I want the full story when you get home.”

“Obviously,” he said. “But nothing’s going to happen.”

“Mhmmmmm,” Kate said. “Ok, love you.”

“You too. Bye,” he said, and hung up.

Aaron texted Chad to tell him that he was outside and what his car looked like. Then he sat and waited nervously. Since the last time he had seen Chad, his feelings had only grown stronger. It was one thing to reply to emails where he could take time to compose a response. It would be quite another thing to carry on a conversation with Chad in person, something he had failed at every time he had attempted it so far. Not to mention they would be alone in his car.

Just then, he spotted Chad walking towards his car. He was exactly as gorgeous as Aaron remembered, even after being on a plane for several hours.

Be normal, he thought. You guys are friends. He doesn’t have to know about the rest of it.

He got out of the car to help Chad with his luggage, then wished he hadn’t because he felt silly. Not knowing what else to do then, he waved. “Hey, Chad!”

Chad caught sight of him, and his face lit up. “Aaron!” He rushed over to the car, setting down his bags and giving Aaron a standard one-arm frat boy hug, which Aaron tried not to make weird.

“Hey,” Aaron said. “Good to see you, man.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. As they got in the car, Aaron was glad that he was driving so it would be easy to resist looking at Chad too much. He didn’t know what he would do once they got to lunch.

“So, there’s a Chick-Fil-A we could go to, I don’t know what you’re in the mood for,” he said.

“Oh, um, actually I’m a vegetarian now,” said Chad. Of course he was.

“All right… Denny’s?”

“Fire,” said Chad. They drove in silence, which was awkward, but Aaron didn’t know what to say.

They had been seated at the restaurant and still hadn’t said anything. Aaron was wracking his brain for any conversation starter, but Chad talked first.

“Denny’s reminds me of college,” he said. “We had one on campus and we used to go there when we got hungry at 2 AM.”

“Same,” said Aaron. “I guess it’s a staple of the American university system.”

“True that,” said Chad, and the ice was broken. They went on talking throughout the meal as if nothing was strange between them. Aaron tried to enjoy it while he could, and also spent a lot of time looking down at his plate so as not to accidentally stare at Chad’s smile or his eyes. He kept repeating to himself that he and Chad were friends, that Chad wasn’t interested in him romantically, and that it didn’t matter either way because Chad had sworn off dating. He didn’t want to delude himself into thinking that his feelings could be reciprocated. Was an unrequited crush that you knew was doomed from the start better than uncertainty?

“Not to make light of your inconvenience, but I’m really glad you had that delay,” Aaron said when they had finished eating and were waiting on the check. “I’m glad we got to hang out.”

“Me too, bro,” said Chad, and he reached out and put his hand over Aaron’s, which was resting on the table. Aaron suppressed a nervous laugh, willing himself not to meet Chad’s eyes. He couldn’t help it-- he felt a little glimmer of hope bubbling up in the back of his brain.

“Chad…” he started to say, but the waiter showed up with their checks and Chad moved his hand away. Aaron would have left his hand under Chad’s for another hour if he could have. Pathetic.

Chad cleared his throat and blinked several times as if nothing had happened. Aaron hastily changed the subject. They left Denny’s and started heading back to the airport, Aaron wishing for something to fall in the middle of the road and stop them from getting there. He wanted to pass the airport and keep driving all the way up into Georgia and beyond. He never wanted to let Chad leave his car. Who knew when the next time they would see each other would be? But alas, they reached the airport with no problems.

They sat in the parked car for a few long moments. “It’s been really nice seeing you, dude,” Chad finally said.

“Yeah,” said Aaron, looking over at Chad and accidentally meeting his eyes. He thought he felt something shift in that moment, like there was some kind of possibility that maybe his bubble of hope hadn’t been completely unfounded. He leaned towards Chad an infinitesimal amount, and he couldn’t be sure, but he thought that Chad did the same. They stayed that way for another long moment before Chad suddenly cleared his throat again and jerked away.

“Uh, I need to go,” he said. “I don’t want to miss my flight.” He started to get out of the car and reach for his luggage in the backseat.

“Right, right of course,” Aaron said. As Chad said goodbye and walked away, Aaron felt all of his brief optimism leaving with him. Well, he would have a lot to tell Kate.

#I have Fully Accepted the violet stuff into my canon for this fic #this took so long to finish lol but I'm very excited about the next chapter #which won't be for another month so don't hold your breath or whatever #tajwash #blairgp #mine

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theroadfromustome · 5 years ago

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Mile 72

Somehow it has been two weeks since my last post; where has the time gone? So to catch up:

I talked to J briefly on his birthday l, just a few days after my last post. This helped my mood. Bc yes, he still has too much control over my emotional state. Bad form, A.

Then, the following week I hung out with his sister and got to meet his mom! She's a very cool lady and what's more, she seemed to really like me. Which, it's not like we are getting engaged or at that level of intimacy, but it was heartening all the same. She said "we should hang out." Which is so sweet of her. I was able to tell him of this, and I think that bodes well for me in his estimation. Also, I now have everyone in the family shipping us, so that must certainly bolster my cause. Another little nugget: his sister told me that on his birthday he was telling his folks how much he enjoyed himself the last time he saw me and his mom said that I "shouldn't worry." So...yay for that?

Another busy week goes by, I see my therapist (the guy) for the first time in 2 months, and we talk about J. Q: Why do I run towards romantic relationships? Possible answer: I seek approbation. So much. The answer that came out was, in a broken teary voice: "Just revealing myself completely to someone and have them accept me..." Whatever that means. I do wonder if I will ever get past this hypersensitivity to rejection. Just bc he doesn't want to talk to me all the time, just bc he's not ready to throw around endearments, just because he doesn't find me special yet--is no reason to feel even moderately despondent. But some part of me still reads every little thing as a rejection. The voice that says, "If he wanted you he would pursue you." "You are not key to his happiness. If you were, he would seek out your company often." But there is no reason he should be even infatuated. It's too soon as he reasonably knows. Not everyone is as hypersentimental and overly romantic as I am. But it honestly doesn't compute for me: how could anyone not leap at the prospect of something so lovely? Who doesn't want to be in love, to have companionship? I mean, I fully admit that committment terrifies me. But I could be a bit further down this road than we are and be perfectly comfortable. However, it's actually great that he is being cautious. Save for the fact that he jumped into sex pretty quickly--though I can't fault him for that. I hate to admit that I'm such a sap, but the sex does tend to unlock tender feelings; I don't know that I would have progressed quite to this point without some sentiment on my own. Not that I'm uncomfortable. I just have to remember that to him, sex denotes "interest" not affection. Not that I will scourge him by saying that he doesn't care for me in some way, but I'd say I probably sit somewhere among his friends in his esteem. He is right in that we don't know each other terribly well, we are not intimate. And yet I keep pretending we are somewhat intimate. Perhaps this is bc we are being physically intimate. And, through no fault of his, in some ways more physically intimate than I have been with anyone before. It's not his fault that my other partners didn't like to touch me. It shouldn't be a major emotional epoch. Anyway...

So then this past weekend I went to visit S. I yakked on the phone with P for almost 3 hours on the way down. He said "usually I run out of words sooner, so this is unusual for me." I think I'll take that as a compliment. He's out of the country this week, but I may see him this weekend. He's a game fellow, and I think I'd like to get to know him better. He seems like he could use some long-suffering friends who can stick by him despite his insane work schedule. I could see myself becoming that. :) He also gave me some good pointers for the interview that I hope to have coming up because...

...I applied for a full time 35 position at my one job. We shall see. Nothing yet though.

So spent the weekend with S, another lovely, supportive weekend. I felt the supreme comfort of being able to be wholly myself (or at least 85%), of being wholly adored. S has some first-rate qualities which are definitely in the way that I like to show affection. We speak a very similar language, and I can be so open with him. In the face of that, I wonder why I bother with J, who completely confounds me and is not forthcoming (for his own legitimate and sympathetic reasons). But my relationship with S has been building for years. I cannot expect the same level of intimacy and acceptance after mere days spent on one's company. It breaks my heart in a way that S cannot be all I would wish him to be; that I can't love him fully.

And then, hussy that I am, I talked to J for about two hours on the way home. That was really lovely. Any time he shows interest it's lovely. And I complimented him shamelessly--which perhaps he needs? I always wonder if his sanguine exterior covers insecurity. Insecurity which I almost wish he would show, because it would make him more human, or whatever. He sister says people take advantage of his kind nature, and surely that breeds protectiveness. I can't fault that. But I would adore him no matter his insecurity. That don't signify with me, as Georgette Heyer would say. Anywho, he seemed in a congenial mood as well, and I broke my resolve and mentioned that we should hang sometime. To which he said "Yes, absolutely, soon. Could you do Saturday?" And then there was scheduling (a week from Saturday) talk, and I said "well I hope it works out [and we can meet]. That would be nice." And he said "That would be *excellent.*" And like, does he not think about asking me out? Does he need me to ask first? Does he think that I stay silent bc I'm not interested? Is he only super keen when the possibility of sex is there? Is that what this is? I think I could live with that if only I could be sure. And then there is the old chestnut: "Does he think about me when we are not together?" Surely some part of him thinks about the sex a little bit, right? He is such a muddle to me. His sister says she wishes we could get to know each other in an environment much like work or college--a constant, low stakes type of interaction. I do too. This little here little there sucks. And plays havoc with my psyche.

And that brings us up to today. I get to see J in two weeks and I can't wait.

Also, I need to get to a square dance.

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