#LIKE i accidentally did this odd meditation at night LIKE in my mind where i. realised if the past did not exist I’d so feel xyz and about

[aashiqvi]

The way i realised if the past did not exist i would be much more confident n comfortable and sure about things in my life so i realised that i can just dismiss the past and say goodbye to it like wtf coz the past is gone

[curseoftheundeadraven]

Demons and Dandelions

Part 1? (sfw)

Summary: Cedar, a young witch living secluded in a forest which she protects, had been attempting to rebuild her life after a tumultuous two years. Yet, the chaos would continue as a demon, having escaped from his master, found his way into her woods.

(I accidentally made it longer than I had planned oops)

It was a familiar sight, me rummaging through the forest, especially during this time of year. But this time was unusual, as the sun had long set and the moon hung high in the night sky. I tended to forage during the day, but this was an exception. Sleep had been eluding me, as it did on occasion. I felt restless, a tense uneasiness surrounding me that had my stomach in knots. Once I finally accepted that no amount of meditation would be the answer to my problem, I reluctantly left the comfort of my bed. There was a specific mix of tea that often helped soothe me during nights like this, but as luck would have it I had ran out of fresh dandelions. I could use dried dandelion of course but for odd reason I felt as though I had to go out. With my shoulders slumped I fought through my weariness, donned a robe and cloak to keep me warm, and headed into the brisk chill of night.  Even through my drowsiness I knew precisely where I was bound to find dandelions, they flourished in my forest at this time of year. I walked near thoughtlessly – until my cloak caught on something causing me to slightly jerk back. I turned and to my surprise a fox held my cloak between its teeth. I knelt down towards him, reaching to see if he simply wished for me to pet him, but he shrunk.  He began to chatter quietly. 

“There is a strange creature nearby,” the fox warned. In this forest, I had many animals that aided me with my magic, and this fox was one of them. I tilted my head to the side. 

"What kind of strange?" I asked, curious and the slightest bit concerned.

“Hmm…bigger than you, much bigger. It has horns, – unlike that of a deer. Not human, not animal. It has a large mouth with sharp teeth, and it’s..."

"Alright, alright–" I interjected, trying to regain control of the conversation.

"–bleeding," the fox continued, undeterred. "It's bleeding, running, and hiding." The words twisted my stomach into a tight knot, a mix of concern and determination. The thought of something larger than me, wounded and fleeing, sent a shiver down my spine. Yet, in my forest, everything became my responsibility, even creatures that were neither human nor animal. I clenched my fist, feeling the weight of my duty pressing heavily on my shoulders.

"Oleander, come," I beckoned silently.

In an instant, my familiar emerged from my cottage, soaring towards my side. Among all the creatures that aided me, none held a deeper connection to me than Oleander. Perched on my shoulder, he took the form of a large black crow.

"There is a stranger here and they appear to be hiding from something," I whispered. "I need you to find out who or what that it is." Without hesitation, Oleander took flight, disappearing into the foliage to pursue whatever had entered my forest. I swiftly returned to my cottage, gathering a satchel filled with healing salves and potions, along with my spell book. My mind raced as I considered how else to prepare, which was difficult given that I had not the slightest clue of what I needed to prepare for…but if that unknown creature aimed to remain unseen, perhaps I should do the same.

Not long after I had finished casting a stealth spell I heard my familiar in my ear, or rather, in my head.

“Found something, look”. I took a breath before muttering the incantation, my eyes rolling back into my head. Everything went dark for a moment as I connected with him. Through Oleander’s eyes I witnessed the pursuit as he swiftly navigated through the night sky. Two colossal black hellhounds, their backs ablaze with purple fire, were charging through the forest, relentlessly hunting their prey. Which I assumed was that ‘strange creature’ – that was likely also a demon of some kind. The hounds were constantly stopping to smell and search in an attempt to find their target. 

My sight returned to my own eyes and I hurried down to my library, knowing it had to hold the answers I required. My mentor's expertise in dealing with demons was well-known, partially thanks to her penchant for creating substances that enticed them. It was clear that demons shared humanity's affinity for vices, if not indulged in them more. Luckily, her meticulous organization made finding the necessary book a swift task. Amongst the details on lesser demonic creatures, I discovered a page on hellhounds. It revealed that of the three most notable demon Lords or Ladies that utilized hellhounds, Issa'ri hunted humans for their transgressions, Zaga'tyl used hellhounds as warnings to her enemies, and Mea'not, depicted amidst a purple fire, was the master of demonic servants. Those who broke the Lords' laws or fell for his schemes became his pawns, lent to sorcerers, witches, and mages. Disobedience led to the merciless wrath of his hounds, and indescribable torture once returned. As the knot in my stomach tightened, I abruptly closed the book, a sense that I was about to make quite the foolish decision.

Heart pounding, I hurried across the basement and knelt, placing my hand on a specific stone brick. Recalling the incantation, the surrounding stones glowed and vanished, revealing a hidden compartment. Despite the foul scent, I kept these items, unsure of what else to do with them, as I was not keen on continuing my mentors business with demons. Three types of jars awaited me, their names etched into memory. Remembering their immense value but unsure of the specifics, I carefully wrapped three in a towel, more for my own safety than their preservation. Hopefully that would prove to be enough. The remaining two jars would serve as insurance for my sudden dive into dealing with demons.

Oleander, find the demon those hounds are after and then return to me.

As I ventured through the forest, tracing the path the fox had taken, I tried to recall my mentor's teachings about these beings. All I could remember was her warning:

If you show them that you are in any way weaker than them, they may devour you in an instant. No matter how flimsy your courage, act as though you are as solid as an oak tree. 

Her words did little to settle my growing unease. The sound of wings beating against the wind reached my ears, causing a lump to form in my throat.

“He has collapsed, this way” 

I followed my familiar with careful speed. We came to a small clearing where an old tree had been felled by a storm many moons ago.

“He hides there, on the other side”

I took in the deepest breath my lungs could bear before I carefully maneuvered around the tree. As I weaved through the vegetation on the outskirts of the clearing and climbed over its roots, I laid eyes upon him and froze—a demon unlike any I had encountered. Lanky and gaunt, his skin a mix of snow white and inky black, with the black extending from his limbs and forming freckle-like dots. His horns, four eyes, tongue, and even the inside of his mouth were all black. Struggling to breathe, his chest rose and fell rapidly, and one of his four arms bore a gruesome, gaping wound that oozed a dark red, far darker than human blood. As I attempted to inch closer, his nostrils flared, and I realized that my stealth spell had failed to account for scent. Yet, my spells rarely needed to counter the unique abilities possessed by demons. Raising his head, he scanned the surroundings, and a low rumble reverberated in the air.

"Run, human, or I will tear the flesh from your bones," he seethed in a twisted, gnarled voice, clearly attempting to instill terror. However, I remained unfazed. My gaze fixated on his wounds, and as I drew nearer, I noticed more. He hissed once again, and with caution, I emerged from the shadows, hands raised.

"We both know you couldn't even stand if you tried," I calmly stated. Anger contorted his face. He unhinged his jaw, nearly stretching his mouth from ear to ear. Undeterred and unafraid, my confidence wavered only when Oleander's piercing caw sliced through the air.

 I heard the pounding of paws on the dirt, my heart racing. The look on the demon's face revealed a deep-seated terror, beyond my comprehension. This, for some reason, added to my resolve. As the hounds approached, I positioned myself in front of the demon, drawing out my spell book. The hellhounds slowed their advance upon seeing me, growling and baring their teeth.

"Move, mortal, or meet a gruesome end," hissed one of the hounds, stalking forward.

"Stay back," I commanded, my voice unexpectedly resolute. I believe my ability to comprehend them took them by surprise for the briefest moment. But they continued to inch closer.

"I said - move," it roared, accompanied by a howl from the other. In that moment, I decided that if I were to die, I would face it without fear. And in that moment, I felt a renewed connection to my mentor. 

"No," I refused, tracing symbols in preparation within my spell book. Time seemed to slow as the first hound lunged at me. With a sharp exhale, I thrust my hand forward, unleashing a powerful gust of wind that knocked them back, sending the lunging hound crashing to the ground. They quickly rose, and the second hound spoke.

"You have no idea what you're doing," it rumbled. "That one belongs to Mea'not. He has escaped, and-"

"I will have him," I interjected adamantly, shocking the creatures into momentary silence before they erupted into shrill laughter. 

"With what, forest witch? Flowers?" one mocked, igniting a rage within me that surpassed anything I had felt before. Head held high, I took a step forward.

"What I possess in my purse is worth more than both your lives. Your master would surely skin you for it. So, I will make a pact with him. This demon will be mine," I boomed, though the words felt vile as they escaped my lips. I wished there were a less cruel way to accomplish my goal. The hounds glanced at each other before howling in unison, and smoke began to materialize nearby. The scent of sulfur hit me, causing a slight recoil, and I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with my fear of facing Mea'not.

Fortunately, I did not. Emerging from the pillar of smoke was a small, at least by demon standards, demonic woman. Adorned in lavish attire, her skin possessed a deep blue hue speckled with gold, resembling lapis lazuli. A 'Sien, the only demonic lineage I was familiar with. She wore an expression of sheer boredom and regarded me with annoyance.

"My master does not appreciate having his time wasted," she drawled.

"Then I will make this quick – Marcia Nightshade, have you heard of her? Or rather, what she used to peddle?" I inquired, crossing my arms. I knew the answer, as that name was familiar to nearly every 'Sien and the other lower lines of demon nobility. Suddenly, the boredom disappeared from her face. She looked at me with skeptical interest. 

"I am her successor, and I hold some of her product in this bag," I stated, placing it on the ground and unwrapping the towel to reveal the jars. Her reaction confirmed it was more than sufficient. She smiled, though it failed to reach her eyes.

"This will afford you a demon far superior to him," she began.

"It's either him or nothing," I asserted, suddenly feeling empowered. Mockingly, she laughed and extended her hand, which I shook, sensing my energy being absorbed by hers before she released her grip. She gestured for me to look at him, and I obliged. His expression remained unreadable. The woman snapped her fingers, and a chain appeared around his neck.

"Must he wear that?" I asked, suddenly aware of how out of my element I was. She laughed again.

"Feel free to remove it, but know that it's the only thing preventing him from ripping your face off. Though, it won't do much more than that. You'll have to keep him in line yourself," she replied before turning to him. "And if you dare to flee again, know that we'll find you. And next time, there won't be a foolish little witch to save you." With a final disdainful gaze, she spat on the ground. Then, in an instantaneous moment, it felt as though an eternity had ended.

After the hellhounds were gone, dizziness overwhelmed me, draining my strength. I attempted to ground myself, focusing on my breathing, but a groan of pain brought me back into the present. Rushing to the demon's side, I retrieved supplies from my bag to tend to his injuries. As I reached to clean a wound, he gripped my wrist tightly.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

"I'm trying to clean the area so I can patch you up," I explained.

"No," he tightened his grip to make his point, "why did you make this pact?"

Sheepishly, I replied, "They were going to torture you, were they not? How could I stand by without helping? Let me tend to your wounds and then I will reverse the pact or find a way to release you..."

He lunged forward, his face close to mine.

"You are an idiot, a pathetic fool," he hissed. "I’m surprised you are competent enough to hold a spellbook. There is no releasing me. Once you let me go or perish, I will return to them. You're useless, as is this."

My heart sunk as I tried to maintain composure. I pulled my hand away from his grasp and resumed cleaning his wounds

"Are all demons such assholes?" I murmured.

He growled in response.

I stirred as the sun peeked through my curtains, and I attempted to shield my eyes from its light – immediately realizing I could not move them. I silently begged to the gods that this was not another bout of sleep paralysis. 

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes to find four unblinking, black eyes staring back into mine. The demon, who had refused to speak to me after last night's insulting encounter, hovered menacingly above me. His two arms held onto my wrists, while a scowl spread across his face, inching closer to mine.

"Tell me what this is," he demanded, his voice laced with attempted authority. I furrowed my brow. 

"What do you mean?" I asked, only serving to further agitate him. One of his two free hands grabbed my face, but his actions failed to elicit the desired effect.

"Is this his doing? Why would a witch as benign as yourself do such a thing if not at his request? If he is behind this, trying to trick me into a sense of calm only to break it away from me it will not work!" he barked, his frustration evident. 

“I-I have not a single clue as to what you are talking about!”

“Then what is this? What do you want?” He demanded. It was a valid question, one to which I had no immediate answer. The surprise of the situation left my mind scrambling to form coherent thoughts.

"This is rude, and I want you to let go of me. I told you before, I only wanted to help," I asserted while struggling against his grip. Feeling the sharpness of his claws against my skin, I seized the opportunity. Pushing my wrists forcefully against his claws, his hand jerked back. The collar that hung around his neck proved effective. With my hands now free, I traced sigils in the air, causing the ivy vines that adorned my room's walls to spring to life, entangling the demon's form. Taking advantage of the distraction, I slipped out from underneath him. Fortunately, he didn't resist the encroaching vines, his eyes tracking my every move as I stood.

Drawing in a deep breath, I exhaled slowly, regaining some semblance of composure. I reached for my robe, as I typically slept in minimal attire. My body tensed, but I refused to let his theatrics sway me. Once I felt more composed, I raised my gaze to meet his piercing stare, releasing him from the ensnaring vines. He remained motionless, his gaze locked on mine.

"I can't fathom what you've been through, and I don't blame you for not trusting me. If you're trying to force me to reveal some hidden darkness within me, I hope you'll eventually realize that I am not what you assume. And if this is what it takes to earn your trust, then so be it— I will play this little game of yours," I concluded, my voice steady. He pulled back, tilting his head to the side, emitting a low, ominous chuckle.

"Alright, let’s play," he agreed, his tone sending a knot twisting in the pit of my stomach. He attempted to rise to his full height, but his horns met the ceiling, prompting a hiss of frustration. He intentionally began to change his form to fit within my human-sized dwelling, though he still loomed imposingly over me – no doubt it was purposeful. His appearance shifted into a more human-adjacent form, featuring long black hair and a smaller mouth, yet his sharp, demonic features remained—claws, horns, and menacing black teeth.

Living on my own, secluded in woods could be a lonely existence, despite occasional visitors. Especially given it was still new, this being my second year of living in this cottage and caring for the forest by myself. As a result, I often found myself feeling terribly isolated. While I had entertained the idea of having someone stay with me, I had always imagined it would be a mortal, someone from my own realm. I certainly hadn't expected a large, furious demon to be glaring at me from the corner of my kitchen as I attempted to prepare breakfast. He stood there, observing my every move, as I walked over to my small dining table and placed two plates of food. I hoped a decadent breakfast might help soften him up even just the slightest bit. He approached with a stalking gait, sniffing the air before scowling.

"Before you label me an idiot, allow me to state that I am fully aware that demons do not require food for survival. I am also aware that they do sometimes eat food purely for pleasure," I explained, meeting his cynical glare. He retreated back to the corner, and I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

"You're welcome to join me at the table, and we can discuss this situation like adults," I suggested, attempting to temper my frustration. He growled, a low rumble emanating from his corner. After a moment, however, he reluctantly made his way to the table and took a seat across from me. Clearing my throat, I forced a strained smile.

"My name is Cedar. What is yours?" I inquired. He scoffed after a prolonged pause.

"I have no name. They refer to us as Se'iva," he stated, lifting a pancake slightly off his plate, sniffing it, and placing it back down. He dipped his claw into a small puddle of syrup, recoiling slightly at the sticky texture. I did my best to suppress a chuckle and I failed miserably, earning a sneer from him. As if he desired to prove he was in fact not afraid of it, he licked the syrup off his finger with his long, formidable tongue. I inhaled sharply.

"Well, do you remember your previous name?" I asked genuinely, although it seemed to have offended him.

"Don't be dull. Of course, I do. My name was Ashir'ezel," he replied. The name felt foreign as it rolled off his tongue, as if centuries had passed since it was last spoken.

"Ashir'ezel," I repeated. He pulled back slightly, suggesting that indeed, it had been centuries. "I'm not familiar with that lineage. What do the Ezel typically do?" I inquired. Ignoring my question, he picked up a pancake, elevated it above his head, and proceeded to devour it whole, unhinging his jaw in the process. Though not particularly large, I regarded him with a perplexed gaze. "Are you trying to frighten me or show off?" I asked, observing the syrup dripping down his face. I sighed and attempted to offer him a napkin, which he stared at as if it were an insult before opting to lick the syrup away himself. Silence enveloped us as I continued to eat while he made an even greater mess. Lost in contemplation, I finished my breakfast, only to realize that my newfound "friend" had vanished.

"Ashir?" I called out, my voice echoing through the room. All that greeted me was a faint rumbling. With a sigh I began to look around. Then, in an instant, darkness enveloped my vision, suffocating my senses. I felt my heart pounding in my chest but I was determined not to succumb to any tricks. With a deep breath, I gathered my resolve and slowly rose to my feet, ready to confront whatever horrors awaited me.

As abruptly as the darkness had descended, my vision returned, revealing Ashir's contorted face mere inches from mine. A bone-chilling screech tore through the air, sending shivers down my spine. Time seemed to stand still as my heart nearly stopped. But, fueled by pure adrenaline, my instincts took over, overriding rational thought. Without a second's hesitation, my fist collided with the side of Ashir's face, a strike that sent him reeling backwards, likely more so from shock than pain, as I was nearly half his size. 

As the impact reverberated through the room, Ashir's twisted visage dissolved, and he returned to his previous form. My eyes widened in shock and remorse. "Gods, I am so sorry," I stammered, guilt washing over me. "I didn't intend to... Are you alright?"

He stared at me intensely, his expression showing more confusion than anger. I continued to babble incoherently, desperate to make amends. "I'm sorry, let me get..." But before I could finish my sentence, I turned around, only to find that Ashir had vanished into thin air. 

I saw no more of him that day, well, not directly. I’d see movement in the corner of the room or feel his hands briefly as he shoved me or grabbed me, though he was always gone when I turned. This continued on to the next day, and the days after that. 

Each day, I woke up with unease, and had to remind myself to embrace empathy and understanding. Ashir's torment would take various forms. Some days, objects would be moved or sent flying, and he would physically jolt or trip me, of course, without being able to cause harm. He often tried to scare me in tandem, shoving me into walls and screeching, making sure to restrain my arms lest we repeat the past. Phantom sensations and mysterious noises also plague me. When all of those methods failed to affect me, he would turn towards cruelty. His constant mockery cuts deep, but I persist in choosing kindness. And thankfully, none of his meddling had found its way into my dreams. Which didn’t surprise me all much as previously, long before Ashir arrived, I had covered my room in every kind of dream protection and nightmare prevention magic I could. So at the very least, I was able to face the day mostly well rested. And over time, I found ways to combat his actions. When objects would shatter, I would smile and say they can be replaced. I'd cast spells of deafness on myself to counter the repetitive, maddening sounds he would create. I’d feign ignorance when he'd grab me, as though he must need something or is confused which amusingly bewilders him. I respond to verbal berating with kind words about myself and even about him at times. I try to do nice things, like creating a larger bed for him. He had been sleeping – well I wasn’t  entirely sure if he slept in the way that humans do, but he had been staying in my guest bedroom, and the bed was even smaller than mine so I couldn’t imagine it being anything but trouble for him.

“I made you a bigger bed, I assumed it was incredibly uncomfortable to sleep in that small one,” I beamed as I rocked back and forth on my heels slightly, “do you like it?” I asked him. His new bed practically swallowed over half of the room. He reached out and tested its softness before pulling back and crossing his arms. 

“It’s just a bed, why would I care about such a thing?”

“Oh,” I feigned sadness, “alright, I’ll get rid of it”

“Well - it would be an idiotic waste of time and energy now, may as well leave it” he huffed. 

I’m not sure when I noticed he was finally beginning to soften, as it came in subtle, gradual ways. His insults softened and his torment became more benign as time went on. Once, he knocked a glass over that ended up slicing my hand particularly deep, and within an instant he was in front of me, pulling my hand towards him and examining it. He let go the second I winced in pain. 

“How did that...how do we fix it?” He asked, eyes jumping between mine and my injury. A smile began to grow on my face as I carefully applied pressure to the wound. 

“We?” I quipped and he snarled, walking away. 

He began to grow more curious as well, it seemed that his watchful gaze went from sly and conniving to perplexed or intrigued. Sometimes he would even ask questions, and on very rare occasions he would answer mine. Of course, the second I pointed out his curiosity I was insulted or mocked, but it was still progress. We even occasionally had something that almost resembled full conversations. 

“Your mentor, she worked with demons?”

“Well yes, but she worked with a great many kinds of beings”

“And you do not?” He asked. I cleared my throat. 

“No, not yet. I’m still…figuring it all out” I said without meeting his eyes. Things grew quiet for a moment.

“Did she…?” He trailed off and I gave the slightest nod before I retreated into myself. Silence took over, a common occurrence with us, but this time it felt different, more tense. For once, he was the one to break the silence. 

“The Ezel,” he began slowly and I perked up immediately, “are soul collectors” he stated. I was stunned at the sudden openness but feared he would shut down if I showed too much excitement.

“Like reapers?” I asked and he shook his head. 

“The purpose depends on your master, some are souls that are owed to other demons…” he explained until it was his turn to trail off. 

“And the others?”

“Are used for their energetic properties or simply to amuse the demon in control” he stated grimly. He didn’t remove his eyes from the food, which he was not eating, merely poking at it as silence returned. I didn’t want to push him any further than that. And I didn't need to, his desire to open up to me after I had done so with him said enough.

There were times that it seemed he had gone back to his original ways, some days he was kinder than others, but to me it didn’t matter much. Each small sign of growth was enough to keep myself steadfast in my methods. But as we made progress it seemed that my turmoil was not over, even though it would have nothing to do with Ashir. At first, I started to fall asleep later and wake up earlier, becoming restless, but I did my best to ignore it. Even though I had a sinking feeling of what truly was going on. And eventually I could no longer deny it. 

I was lying in my bed late into the night after the third, maybe fourth time I had been hurtled back into consciousness by a night terror that I could not shake off. I suddenly felt heavy, as if I were sinking downwards. I pulled my knees into my chest and began to embrace the tears that I had been desperately holding back. It had been so long without issue, I thought I was finally free from it all just to be dragged back into the depths of my sorrow. I could still hear my mentor's voice, see her face - or at least the distorted versions my dreams liked to show me. It all replayed over and over in my mind until -

Tears streamed down my face, my emotions spiraling into a breakdown. I curled up on my side, as though it would bring me some sense of solace. Lost in my despair, I registered the subtle dip of the bed and braced myself for Ashir's usual biting remarks or attempts to startle me. Surprisingly, he remained silent.

Curiosity eventually got the best of me, and I lifted my head to find him perched at the foot of my bed, his presence resembling that of a gargoyle. Normally, I would have found it amusing, but in that moment, my sorrow overshadowed any humor. When our gazes met, he broke the silence.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked, his voice cutting through the air. His tone was neither kind nor harsh, but blunt enough to throw me off balance. 

"H-huh?" I managed to stammer, caught off guard by his unexpected inquiry.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his tone still blunt and uncaring, yet somehow softer than I anticipated.

"What does it look like? I'm crying," I replied, my voice wavering, before dropping my head and shutting my eyes.

"Why?" he persisted, speaking in a flat tone.

"Why?" I repeated, my voice weak, "As if I'd tell you. You'd only use it against me," I said, my bitterness seeping through my voice. A heavy silence hung in the air, and I hoped it signaled his departure.

"Can... you stop?" he suddenly asked, his words surprising me. I raised my head, staring at him with a mix of confusion and growing upset. "...it annoys me," he added, as if it should have been obvious. His words only intensified my distress, and my tears continued to flow.

"C-clearly not!" I snapped, pulling myself upright and retreating to the safety of my headboard, my knees pressed tightly against my chest. I buried my face, my shoulders trembling with each sob.

"Why not?" He questioned, his tone oddly genuine. Frustration surged within me.

"Because I'm upset! Because I can't sleep! B-because every time I close my eyes, I relive the worst n-night of, muh, my—" My words dissolved into sobs, and a wave of relief and washed over me as Ashir's weight lifted from the bed.

That relief immediately faded as I felt his arms wrap around me, picking me up as though it was nothing. Too confused to offer any resistance I allowed him to carry me to the living room.  He settled me onto the couch, and then quietly retreated back into the hallway.

I slumped over, not having the energy to return to my room. I attempted to relax, but every time I closed my eyes, the vivid memories flooded back as if they had transpired just yesterday. At least I managed to cry quietly, hoping it would keep Ashir at bay. However, the sound of my kettle whistling startled me, and I started to fear my sanity was slipping away. Yet, in truth, I was too tired to care. And then I heard Ashir's heavy footsteps.

"Here," he mumbled, holding a cup of tea that appeared minuscule in his hands. Sniffling, I regarded him with as much confusion and suspicion I could in this state. He scoffed and placed the cup on the coffee table. I eyed it cautiously. He turned and settled on the floor a few feet away from me, his elongated limbs looking somewhat odd, watching me expectantly. With care, I reached for the cup and sniffed it, earning another scoff. It carried the scent of lavender, valerian, and dandelions.

"How did you know what to use?" I inquired.

"Watching you," he responded.

"Ah," I muttered, realizing the answer should have been obvious. I took a sip, confirming that it was the mix I typically brewed when sleep eluded me. He had added honey as well, though perhaps a bit too much. Embracing silence, I continued to sip the tea. Although I still trembled and my breathing remained unsteady, Ashir had succeeded in halting my tears, albeit mostly due to shock and confusion. Nevertheless, I was no longer crying.

"Why did you do this?" I asked after a while, hoping my suspicion was correct.

"To make you stop crying," he replied. I arched an eyebrow, "-I told you, it annoys me." He continued.

"You can teleport quite easily, can you not? Why not just do that?"

"I don't have to explain myself to you," he hissed, vanishing before my eyes.

Following that night, the problem persisted. I began waking up in tears or shouting during sleep more frequently. The amount of rest I managed to obtain dwindled, and I was fortunate to even get four hours in a night. Sometimes, I would lie in bed, too frightened to slip back into slumber, silently attempting to divert my attention to other matters. The aged wooden floor in my bedroom often betrayed his presence, emitting faint creaks that I wouldn't have noticed if I weren't so on edge. Over time, I grew more adept at sensing his proximity. It felt like stepping into the shade after basking in the sun, it almost chilled me. I couldn't fathom why he hadn't used my nightmares and distress to torment me, and ironically, I became somewhat paranoid, wondering if it was all an elaborate façade. I could  imagine how terrifying such a prospect would be and I gained a bit more empathy as a result. Regardless of whether his actions were genuine, on any night when I shed even a few minutes' worth of tears, a grumbling Ashir would present me with a cup of tea.

The lack of sleep began to wear on me. Everything hit a fever pitch when summer began to turn to fall. Ashir had nearly stopped his meddling and instead opted to lurk and watch, occasionally jeering at me or grabbing my arm or the back of my shirt. Honestly, I was too tired to really think about it especially as in my sleep deprived state I started to create chaos for myself, knocking over jars or mixing the wrong herb and ruining tinctures. Once such an occurrence as I kneeled on the ground collecting the petals I had spilled I heard an unexpected sound, a musical bird call that caused me to freeze as I immediately recognized the tune. When the bird called for me again I knew there was no use stalling and I rose. A medium sized bird had landed on one of my windows. She was a shimmering gold and carried a strong magical aura. When I hesitated she called again. 

“Ki’ara, be patient with me, please” I asked as I approached, dusting off my hands. She had dropped a scroll with a blue and gold wax seal that I had seen many times before. Oleander came in through a nearby window and began to chatter with Ki’ara as I grabbed the scroll. Though it was nothing but paper, ink, and wax it felt heavy, as if it were pulling me downwards. 

“Thank you Ki’ara, send Miera my regard” I mumbled as I struggled to ground myself in reality. I don’t know when she left, I had their conversation tuned out almost immediately. My mind felt like it was drifting away from reality, until abruptly, the scroll was ripped out of my grasp. I didn't make an effort to hold onto it, but I was jolted back into consciousness, and the landing was far from pleasant. Ashir, with his eyes wide and chest heaving rapidly, stood before me. His other hands were clenched so tightly into fists that they trembled. 

“Ashir pl-“ I began, but he cut me off. 

“I knew it-“ he interjected harshly. I felt my stomach drop as I heard his voice and the anger held within it. 

“Gods just let me exp-“ I begged, trying to regain control of the situation. 

“I knew it, I knew this couldn’t be. So what is it? Is it finally time to spring your trap?” He asked as he crushed the letter in his fist. 

“No,” I said sternly before taking a shaky breath, “It’s- I, it’s nothing! Nothing that concerns you, anyway. Just-“

In one swift movement, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and yanked me forward. He grew so close I could feel his breath and hear his chest rumbling. 

“I can feel the demonic magic radiating from this scroll…who else could it be? Tell me, what was the price?” he hissed quietly, voice full of venom. 

“There isn-“ I attempted to speak before he continued on. 

“What is it in for you? How much did it cost for you to muddy your hands and do the work of a cretin like him? Unless, you have always been corrupt and twisted…” he paused and looked away for a moment, “was this all just an act? Was your kindness secretly just a knife you were readying to stab in my back? I was right, you are pathetic” seethed. My throat felt tight, constricted as I tried to hold on to my composure amidst his onslaught of harsh words. 

“It’s not about you-“ I protested, but it was no used, he finally erupted. 

"LIAR!" he roared, his face a mere two inches from mine. His fears and emotions surged like a volcano, red-hot anger ready to consume everything in its path. My own emotions began to take the form of distant whispers of an approaching tempest, rapidly overtaking the horizon. I felt fear, sorrow, and red-hot anger all wash over me at once. I felt my eyes watering, my ears ringing, but I grit my teeth and tried to steel myself.

"Fine," I began in a cold voice, a single tear slipping down my cheek. "Read the letter. In fact, keep it," my voice grew sharper, mirroring the storm brewing inside my mind. It swelled, threatening to consume me. I tried to stop there, I did but it all just came rushing out, "I hope this brings you satisfaction, you’ve finally pushed me to my breaking point because I... I no longer care. Not about the letter, and certainly not about you." I felt everything swirling up inside of my mind and I couldn’t make sense of it. Exhaustion, anger, hurt. I couldn’t tell them apart, all I knew was that I couldn’t take anymore of it, “Let that letter serve as a reminder that you are a paranoid, hard headed, heartless asshole!” My words crackled like thunder, and the tempest was unleashed.

In a burst of anger, I grabbed his wrist, my gaze piercing him like daggers. Fortunately, he relented and released his grip. Unable to contain my tears any longer, I pivoted and rushed out of the front door, storm clouds following close behind. 

I only got about 20 steps away before the words I had said hit me. I hesitated briefly before forcing myself to continue on. Tears blurred my vision as I walked. The first fallen leaves of autumn crunched beneath my feet, and the birds fell quiet as I passed, something that had only happened a couple times. Despite my familiarity with the forest, I simply marched forward, not caring about my destination. I quickened my pace and didn’t rest until the tears had stopped.

I arrived at one of the many brooks that ran through the area and decided to take a break. The sky was painting itself in hues of pink and orange as the run began its rest behind the horizon. A bittersweet chuckle escaped my lips as I realized I had arrived at a grand oak tree with robust branches. Running my hand along its bark, I gazed upward, attempting to glimpse through the foliage. I gently wiped my cheeks and took a deep breath, uncertain whether it would bring solace or further turmoil, but I began to climb nonetheless. My destination remained obscured, yet the memory of what path to take was etched in my mind. Eventually, I caught sight of the wooden planks composing the floor, guiding me toward the door. The rope ladder, once the gateway to my cherished treehouse, had long since worn away, and I had never bothered to replace it, then and even now I didn’t need it. Surprisingly, it had held up the test of time and hardly looked any worse for wear. A faint smile grew on my face as I reminisced about its former glory during my childhood, now realizing it was quite small and humble. Nonetheless, it still accommodated me decently enough, I only had to crouch slightly to stand upright. Before long, as the nostalgia faded. I sprawled out on the floor, my mind continuing its downpour.

I didn't sleep well, although it was the most restful night I had experienced in quite some time. Instead of planning to sleep in my old treehouse, I decided to tidy it up a bit. I worked late into the night, and at some point during or after my efforts, exhaustion overcame me, and I drifted off. Nightmares plagued my sleep as always, but I roused only once. The creaking of tree branches outside caught my attention, yet the gentle rustling of leaves and the soft patter of raindrops convinced me that it was merely the wind. I awoke before dawn, lying there in quiet contemplation, thinking about all that had happened. 

I had said terrible things, thing I did not mean and wish I could take back. But Ashir, I could still see the hate and sorrow in his eyes, and feared there may be no overcoming this. My gut formed a knot when I considered what the letter contain precisely. I anticipated Miera’Sien was attempting to provide solace, as she had the year before. After what had occurred I could understand her being concerned for me. But, I didn’t think I needed her, I thought after two years my grief must have somehow lessened but that seemingly was not in the cards. The scroll itself was large, unsurprisingly, as Miera had an unending reservoir of things to say, all of which came in her descriptive, nearly dramatic prose. So it is likely Ashir would finally have some grasp of why nightmares plague me so. I couldn’t begin to decide how I felt about that. 

And of course, there was the matter of explaining why exactly Lady Miera’Sien was sending me letters regarding the death of my mentor, which I wasn’t sure he would believe. 

I tried to push all of that away and focus on what to do. And there wasn’t much else to do besides apologize but I didn’t know how he would feel about me when I returned, - to be fair I hardly had the faintest idea what he had felt about me before all of this. 

As the sun just barely began to rise I made my way back through the now very muddy terrain, which took me a bit by surprise as I hadn’t realized it had rained so heavily. When I reached the door I took time to ground myself before opening it cautiously. 

“Ashir?”

My call earned no response. . 

“Oleander?” I ask and thankfully I heard his caw clear as day, “where is Ashir?” I ask as I closed the door behind me and began to take off my muddy shoes

“I haven’t seen him”. He said, flying into the room and perching. I let out a sigh. After setting aside my shoes I looked to the kitchen where the ordeal had happened and saw the letter lying on the counter. As I walked closer I observed that it was somewhat crumpled and more importantly — it had been opened. I tried to shake it off, deciding I should take care of my current state before reading it. And besides, I still had a mess to clean up. As I walked around the island of my kitchen I saw that all of the small petals I had accidentally scattered across the ground were gone and I found them in their original basket. 

The day stretched on slowly, my body and mind still exhausted. Though Ashir was nowhere to be found I refrained from attempting to find him. If he did not want to be in my presence, I could understand. I myself have mixed feelings about being in his. Once the sun had set, I felt uneasy as he was typically most active at these hours. I continued to repress my anxiety and try to proceed as normal. Of course, I slept terribly. I would wake up over and over again in a short burst of time, my mind never able to delve into restful sleep. Into the very early morning however, I finally succeeded and slept as well as I could. As I put on my robe and begin to head towards the kitchen I call out to Ashir. I was only met with silence. Upon entering the kitchen however I spied something odd. A basket sat on the counter and it would not be far-fetched to think I had simply forgotten to put it away in my current state. As I moved to pick it up however I realized it had been filled with fresh dandelions, still lightly shimmering from the morning dew. 

“Ashir?” I called out again, even though I knew I would get no response. 

These gifts continued randomly appearing for several days, first dandelions, then mushrooms, and so on. But I never got a single glance of Ashir. Though the small gestures were kind, I found myself missing his presence during difficult nights. 

Nearly two weeks later, I nestled myself into the plush pillows of my couch and pulled my blanket tighter around me. My eyes were red and puffy as this was the third time that night I had been awoken. Nothing was helping so I resigned to simply making myself comfortable and trying to find any semblance of calm. The first time I was startled awake by the loud and sudden cracking of thunder accompanied by the sounds of raindrops pounding against the roof of my cottage. As I lay on the couch it continued on, loud enough that even the wind joined the chorus, howling in between cracks of thunder. Each time, I did not jump as the thunder scared me not. At least not now. I began to focus on the sounds of incoming rain until — I heard the sound of ceramic meeting wood, my head snapping up immediately. And there he stood, head bowed and hands pulled close to himself. A cup of tea sat on the small table in front of me. Mere seconds after I processed who was standing before me - just as our eyes met, tears began to roll down my face, blurring my vision, as I began to quietly sob. Startled, he instinctively retreated, but I reached out and took hold of his hand, silently begging him to stay.

Slowly, cautiously, he inched closer, eventually settling beside me on the couch. His towering presence made me feel impossibly small. I never let go of his hand. For some time all that echoed off the wall of my cottage was the soft sound of my cries and the distant roaring of the storm. 

“I’m sorry,” he said so quietly I wasn’t sure if I was meant to hear it. I adamantly shook my head

“No, no. The blame is mine, I could have, I-I shouldn’t have-“ I began before I was interrupted by his hand on my chin. He turned my head and studied my face before shaking his head.

“It’s a wonder you cannot see why I would think someone such as you, as kind and forgiving as you, can simply not exist,” he said quietly before removing his hand from my face and turning away. I carefully wiped some of my tears away as I felt heat rising to my cheeks. The sound of rain and my constant sniffling filled the room. He never let go of my hand, but for a while, he was as still as a statue. “You should have tossed me aside the second you got a chance,” he began, his voice displaying a weakness I did not know it could have, “you had suffered enough, I am sure…” he trailed off and I shook my head again. 

“That doesn’t matter-“

“It does,” he retorted, his voice a bit louder, “if I hadn’t been here you wouldn’t be plagued with all of these-“ he started before it was my turn to interject. 

“No. It has nothing to do with you…” I said before trailing off momentarily, “It has happened before –“ my voice cracked as I felt emotions stirring up inside of me once again, “…I’m just not strong enough” I sputtered as tears returned. 

“Don’t be so dull,” he whispered as with hesitant tenderness, he reached out, wrapping one hand around my back, another lifting my legs as he pulled me into his embrace. He held me delicately so that I could easily push him away or escape had I desired to, which is something he seemed to be anticipating. Instead, the second I was in his embrace, I clung to his shirt, my tears soaking into the fabric as continued to cry. His form remained rigid, each movement stiff and cautious. It was evident that he was unaccustomed to such displays of affection, yet he tried earnestly to offer solace. As I attempted to calm myself, I faintly discerned the steady beating of his heart. It was a deep, low pounding that held little resemblance to a human’s. Its slow, resounding cadence became my anchor, helping to ease my distress. He remained silent, gently rubbing my back and tracing circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. We spoke no more, we simply basked in the sounds of the ongoing storm. As the tears gradually subsided and my sobs waned I did my best to take measured, deep breaths. With each exhale, the tension in my body seems to lessen, my shoulders sinking slightly as my muscles relaxed. A sense of fatigue lingered, both in my body and my mind, as everything began to take its toll. My eyelids grew heavy, and eventually, I allowed myself to drift off into slumber. 

[sarcastic-bubble]

More Colourful With You

Paring: Cal Kestis x Reader

Word Count: 2K

Warnings: none

Request: Ahh! I loved your newest Cal x reader writing! I was wondering if you write another with the Mantis crew having a day off? So Cal decides to take the reader out on a date? Tysm! Have a great day! - Anon

A/N: It is now my personal goal to go to India where they total celebrate this festival in the spring called Holi. Like the whole point is throwing paint at people and eating sweets? Sign me up. (I’m sure there is some deeper meaning but I didn’t research that far into it for this fic, pls don’t judge me)

Masterlist

The crew of the Mantis were looking forward to their day off. Just the night before you had landed on a lush forest planet. Far enough from the nearest settlement that no one would notice your presence but close enough that those who wished to visit could. You sat at the dining table and picked at your breakfast and listened to Cere and Greez discuss their plans for the day. There were a few errands Cere wanted to run while they were close to civilization, even on days off there were things to do, and Greez was going on about the local cantinas and cuisine. Your plans for the day were quite simple, you planned on doing absolutely nothing. Days off were rare and you planned on enjoying it cozied up in a soft blanket with a hot drink in hand and finishing that terrible romance novel you had started ages ago.

You cleaned your dishes and then made your way to your room to grab the few things you would need for the day. You were then stopped by a grinning Cal, “Hey, (Y/N)! excited for our day off?” You could see BD-1 climbing up his back as he spoke. He trilled in a happy greet once on Cal’s shoulder.

You took a moment to pat the droids head before you answered, “Oh it’s going to be great to finally be able to do nothing all day!”

“So, you don’t have any plans for the day?” he asked cocking his head to the side.

“Nope, not really I guess,” you replied with a shrug.

“Great!” His excitement caught you off guard. You certainly thought it was great, but you were getting a funny feeling he was excited about your lack of plans for an entirely different reason. His grin only got bigger as he began to speak again, “Cere was telling me about this festival they hold today in the nearby settlement every year. She didn’t remember much about it except that it’s a festival of colour!” He stopped talking again and a light blush rose on his cheeks, “I have, uh, a few spare credits and um, we should… I mean I was wonder if you’d like to go check it out with me.” His blush only got worse becoming a shade much closer to that of his hair. You and Cal had become fast friends when he joined the crew of the Mantis so it wasn’t odd for you to spend your free time together, but the way he was acting was just a little odd. It almost seemed like he was asking you on a date.

An involuntary blush covered your face and you sorted everything out in your mind, “like a date?”

Cal slowly rubbed the back of his neck as he looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to hide how flushed he was, “Um... Yeah, like a date.”

Your other plans or lack of were immediately forgotten. You’ve had feelings for Cal for about as long as you had been friends but had kept them to yourself for a few reasons. One of them being the fact that telling anyone that you were in love with them can be a terrifying thing and the other being you didn’t want to risk your friendship if he didn’t feel the same. Yet here he was asking you on a date, you swore this was like a dream you had once. How could you say no? “Can you give me twenty minutes to get ready?”

“Yeah,” he replied grinning like an absolute fool. Cal stepped to the side letting you past him and then watched you disappear into your room. BD-1 trilled next to his ear excitedly saying something along the lines of “I told you so.” Cal looked over his shoulder at the small droid, “Yeah, you did buddy, guess I shouldn’t have been so nervous after all.”

----- Cal waited outside of the Mantis, the breeze was cool but not cold and the sun was bright warming everything in its light. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the sky his expression peaceful. He looked almost meditative when you stepped out of the starship. A gentle tap to his should was all it took to get his attention. “Ready to go?” he asked with his usual goofy smile.

You took his hand and held it down by his side. “Of course! I just hope you know where we're going because I don’t.”

Cal was worried he was going to implode when your handheld his but once he took his eyes from the sky and looked at you, he knew he would. You looked much like you always did but the way the red lipstick accentuated your lips caused his breath to catch in his throat. He took a moment to try and regain his composure. “You look nice,” he said slowly.

“You really think so?” You looked down at your feet in an attempt to hide your blush but also the giant and quite a dorky grin that had been caused by his simple compliment. “I thought it might be nice to dress up a little, it turns out the only nice thing I had was some makeup I bought at a market ages ago mostly on a whim. I probably look ridiculous and you’re just too nice to say anything.” You reached up to wipe the lipstick off with the back of your hand, but Cal was quick to stop you but taking the hand with his.

“You’re beautiful,” he reassured, “Now let’s get going before we miss all the fun.”

------

You could hear the sounds of cheering and laughing long before you could actually see your destination. With each passing moment, you found yourself more and more excited. What would a festival of colour entail? What sort of food would be there? What exactly was causing the locals' laughter to echo through the forest?

When you arrived in the small town you were not disappointed. The streets were lined with vendors selling anything and everything. All of the space not filled by vendors were easily filled by the sheer amount of people that had gathered together for the festival. You saw Cal eye a vendor selling various colourful drinks. “Wait here,” he said quickly before approaching the stall.

You felt something hit your arm, it didn’t hurt but it did grab your attention. You glanced down quickly and saw a green powder covering the point of impact and some of the surrounding skin. Off to the side, you noticed to youngling giggling and pointing at you. They were covered from head to toe in various different coloured powered. You slowly approached them and crouched down to their height, they were still laughing but looked as if they were getting ready to run. “Do you two think you can answer a question for me?” you asked in a soft voice. The younglings looked at each other for a moment before nodding eagerly. “I’m not from around here and I was wonder why you two are so colourful?” you asked.

“The colour festival!” the younger of the two chimed.

You looked to the older child for a slightly better explanation. “It’s a game we all play,” said the child slowly, trying to formulate the words to properly answer your question. “Everyone throws dye powder at everyone else. It’s lots of fun! The guy over there sells the best colours!” The youngling quickly gestured to a vendor a little further down the street.

You thanked the younglings and then promptly ran off to find their next victims. You glanced over your shoulder at Cal, he seemed to be intently listening to the vendor talk about his different products. You reached into your pocket and felt the few credits that were in there. You didn’t find much but how much could a fistful of colourful powder cost.

------ The dye powder had turned out to be surprisingly cheap so you had bought as much as you could carry. This particular vendor packed the powder into soft balls that were meant to burst upon contact. You returned to the spot Cal had left you, it seemed like he was finally making a decision. You watched him pay the man and grab to of the small cups filled with a lavender liquid. “I didn’t realize drinks were so complicated,” he said with a small laugh as he returned to you.

Before he could offer you your drink you put your evil plan into action. You threw the soft dye ball you had been hiding in your hand at his face. Cal stared blankly at you for a second, it didn’t look like it had hurt him, he just looked confused. He coughed quietly when he accidentally inhaled some of the bright blue powder that covered the right side of his face. You doubled over in laughter.

Cal, on the other hand, was just very confused. What had you thrown at him? Whatever it had been you found it pretty funny. He looked around and then noticed the entire crowd was covered in a mess of different colours, including you. He saw a clear bag filled with various coloured dyes sticking out of your pocket. He began to laugh too as the realization hit. “Do you have more dye?” He asked grinning mischievously. You nodded and pulled the bag from your pocket matching his. He handed you the drink he bought for you and you both downed it one gulp. Cal’s entire face scrunched up at the taste of the liquid and you let out a rather loud cough you shuddered violently. “What was in that?” You asked grimacing at the after taste.

“I don’t know, I couldn’t even tell what language the vendor was speaking, Now hand over some of that dye, you’re not the only one who gets to have fun.” ----- “Truce!” you shouted, and you rounded a corner. You had run out of the dye you had purchased hours ago, and you had just used the last of the loose powder some locals had given you.

“No truces!” shouted Cal in response. You could hear getting closer, so you began to run again. Unfortunately, you didn’t make it very far until you felt a strong body tackle you to the grass. You wriggled underneath Cal, trying to escape. He used your current position to his advantage and dumped his last fistful of dye on your face finally getting revenge for you stunt earlier. “Well, I guess a truce wouldn’t be so bad,” he said with a cheeky smile. He rolled onto his back next to you.

You only shot him a playful glare. You both lay there silent trying to catch your breath from the last few hours of near-constant running. You couldn’t help but be impressed by the quality of the dye though. Despite the sweat, you were both covered in a rainbow of colours. You shifted around so you were facing Cal, he was watching you intently, yet he seemed deep in thought. His gaze moved to meet yours, “can I kiss you?”

The question caught you off guard. The thought of him kissing you was far from unwelcome; it was something you had wanted for so long. You just hadn’t expected it. “Yes,” you answer quietly.

His hand gently cupped your cheek and he placed a tentative kiss against your lips. He waited a moment and kissed you again, firmer this time, more confident. When he ended the kiss, his lips were tinted red from what was left of your lipstick and curled into an absolutely infectious smile.  You spent the rest of the evening grinning at each other like love-struck fools.

[minnarr]

leia meets the prequels gang, pt. 3

Last time, Leia stuck to Padmé and Anakin like a burr; met Obi-Wan and confided in him; and managed to get on Anakin’s bad side. In this section, Leia tries to rest at Obi-Wan’s as the Senate declares war and they both get a surprise.

See all parts at this link

----

The Temple had been like a kicked hive when Leia arrived. By the time Obi-Wan found her again, it seemed to have quieted into sleep at last. “My apologies,” he said, looking somehow even more tired than before. “I have not had an opportunity to make proper arrangements, but I can offer you a bed for the night. I’m afraid the Temple visitors’ quarters are rather overrun at the moment.”

It was strange to enter a Jedi’s quarters. They weren’t quite as ascetic as Leia had imagined; certainly more comfortable than a room on a Rebel base. “You can take Anakin’s room for now, if you don’t mind the mess,” Obi-Wan said. “There’s clean sheets, at least.” He pointed out the fresher, and a set of clean clothes he had found for her.

He hesitated in the middle of his kitchen, looking at her with perplexity.

“Go sleep,” Leia told him. “You look like you need it.”

He nodded, then ducked into his own room, the door closing a moment later.

Leia moved through the strange space, cleaning up as best she could around the bacta patches and aches. It was the first shower she’d had in... Well, it was long overdue. Anakin’s room was a mess; not filthy, just cluttered. There were racing posters, model ships, a worktable filled with mechanical odds and ends. It had the air of a bedroom where he’d grown up, and Leia wondered at that, and felt like an interloper.

When she finally sank into the bed, she expected to sleep immediately. Instead, her head flooded with images and sensations. Finally, she closed her eyes and began to count, following a familiar meditation exercise.

She had let the practice lapse over the last year or so, but it used to be one of her best tools to cope with her childhood panics. She resolved to start doing it regularly again. If nothing else, she could manage that.

Slowly, she managed to quiet the noise in her head and return to blankness.

The next morning, she woke earlier than she wanted to, her body screaming at her but her mind alert. It’s the sun, she realized, and groaned. To her surprise, when she stepped into the kitchen, she found Obi-Wan already there, a mug of caf in hand but his eyes closed. He startled when she took the pot from beside him to pour her own cup.

“Morning,” he said.

She looked him over. “Not enough sleep?”

“I don’t think a week would be enough,” he admitted.

“Agreed,” Leia said, and sat down across from him.

“I have a meeting with the Council this morning,” he said. “The Jedi High Council, I should say. I’m not sure how long it will take, but I will get you better settled in the next day or so. You don’t mind staying around here and resting for a few days, I hope?” His pleading eyes suggested she didn’t have many other choices.

“Has the Senate declared war yet?” Leia asked.

Obi-Wan winced. “No, not yet,” he said. “But the debates are well underway. I’ll leave you a datapad if you want to follow along.” He looked at her thoughtfully. “Have you had a medical exam with the Temple healers yet?”

“I think they were busy,” Leia said.

“I’ll make you an appointment. It’s the first step, anyway, if you want to stay in the Temple for a little while.” There was a gap somewhere in there, as if there were another reason to arrange the exam. His mind was probably just wandering, though; anyone’s would be.

“You don’t have to look after me, you know,” Leia said dryly. “I can make whatever appointments I need.”

“Mm.” Obi-Wan rubbed a hand over his beard, blinking at her. “You’re not a Jedi, so you need a sponsor to stay here. That would be me, and it’s my duty to liaise with Temple staff on your behalf. You just may be a bit bored for a few days. I...it might be better if you were to stay here, rather than wandering about the Temple.”

“Your people are gearing up for war, and I’m an unknown,” Leia said. “I understand.” She didn’t like it, but she understood. “I need the rest,” she assured Obi-Wan, and it wasn’t a lie. “I needed it even before we went haring off to Geonosis. I’ll take it while I can get it.”

The next days were an excruciating combination of idleness and expectation. Even hidden away in Obi-Wan's quarters, Leia felt the suffocating tension of these days as the Senate debated, and the Jedi High Council deliberated, and war slowly turned into a reality. She did visit a healer on the second day, who gave her a simple physical exam and took a blood draw to run routine tests. She didn’t stop to see Anakin. After their strange conversation, she wasn’t sure that he would want to.

One evening, Obi-Wan returned to his quarters and went straight to the sofa, settling into it with careful dignity. It looked like if he was any less careful, he would simply fall into it. “The Senate just declared war with the Confederation of Independent Systems,” he said heavily.

Leia set a mug next to Obi-Wan's seat: not caf, but a more soothing tea. “I know,” she said.

He picked up the tea and sipped it, his eyes closed. “We’ve accepted a clone army.”

“I know.”

“I’m a General.”

Leia sat down beside Obi-Wan and turned to him. They didn’t know each other well, but she had known war for far longer than he had, for all his experience getting into and out of fights. She reached out, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Yes, you are General Obi-Wan Kenobi. A man whose strength, compassion, and cunning were such that my— That those who served with you trusted you and remembered you for those qualities.”

“You speak in the past tense about something that hasn’t happened yet,” Obi-Wan said.

“And you’re correcting my grammar on the verge of a war,” Leia said, amused. “You’ll be all right, Obi-Wan. You can do the job in front of you with honor and wisdom.”

“But not success,” he said, looking at her. “Don’t we lose?”

Leia shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe not anymore. Hope is all I have, and there’s a lot more of it go around now.”

With the debates over and a course decided for the Republic, Leia expected Obi-Wan to have a little more time. What she did not expect was for him to come back to his quarters halfway through the next day and pin her with a stare. “You have never been to this Temple?” he asked. “Or any Jedi Temple?”

“No,” Leia said cautiously.

Obi-Wan ran a hand through his hair. “Just where did you live in this other time? Why did no one find you?”

Leia stood, unsure what had set Obi-Wan off like this. “It depends on who you think should have found me,” she said.

“The Jedi, of course,” Obi-Wan said, and he looked at her again with naked disbelief. “Leia, do you not know that you are incredibly strong in the Force?”

“What?” Leia laughed. “Of course I’m not.”

“You’ve never known things you shouldn’t, or gotten headaches in large crowds? No instances of impossible luck or improbable reflexes? Nothing’s ever come to you inexplicably simply because you needed it desperately?”

Leia frowned and looked away, her scalp tingling. Carefully, she pushed away the nervousness and raised a calm face to Obi-Wan. “Nothing that can’t be explained,” she said. “I used to get intense migraines after parties, or after going down into the city. The doctors said that it was probably linked with my anxiety. Once we got that under control, the headaches became very infrequent.”

“Forgive me for prying,” Obi-Wan said, finally finding a semblance of calm again, “but how did you get that anxiety under control?”

“Counseling sessions,” Leia said, not sure where he was going with this. “Meditation. Making sure I kept up healthy habits.”

“Leia, these are things that a strongly empathetic Force user can experience, if they are left untrained,” Obi-Wan said. “People’s minds—the energy of them, their emotions and surface thoughts—press in on you if you are unshielded and can quickly become overwhelming. It is possible, I suppose, that the meditation you did helped you to build up mental shields. But your shields are too strong to be merely accidental.”

“You mean,” Leia said, “the walls around my thoughts?” She had maintained them for half her lifetime. It had been described to her as an emotional control technique by her meditation teacher. Of course, they had helped her hide her true feelings in the Imperial Senate, and she had fallen back on them when she had nothing else at Darth Vader’s hands.

“Yes,” Obi-Wan said. “They are a simple but very subtle shielding technique. I did not know that you had shields in place until I specifically went looking for them.”

Leia pulled back, glaring at him. “You went poking in my mind?”

“No,” Obi-Wan said. “Merely brushed against its boundaries. I believe you felt it, just now, because I also felt you shut me out.”

Leia shuddered, and for a moment the memory of Vader came back to her, terrifyingly real. Had he probed her mind along with everything else he had done? Everything had been so mixed up in bone-deep terror and pain that it was hard to separate out what was physical and what was something else. For a moment, she heard the amplified hiss of his breath, felt his physical presence looming over her. And then she breathed, and she was just looking up at Obi-Wan.

“If not by my shields, how did you find out that I am like you?” she asked.

“The blood test the healers took,” Obi-Wan said. “If I had known it would come back positive—if I had known that it would be so high—I would not have...”

“What did you do?” Leia said, hearing the growl in her voice.

“It is a simple test,” Obi-Wan started.

“That you do without patients’ consent?”

“That is part of a typical intake exam for those entering the Temple,” Obi-Wan said. “It is not part of the standard physical for adult visitors or staff, no, but I suggested a full work-up, and generally that includes the midichlorian count.”

Leia closed her eyes. He had violated medical ethics in a way that troubled her. She claimed to be a time traveler who had arrived just at the cusp of an intergalactic war. That he had awarded her the trust and consideration he did was a gift, she told herself, though it didn’t soothe her anger. “You haven’t been jumping at shadows around me,” she said. “So why order the test?”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said.

“He was suspicious of me,” Leia said.

“He was, and he did more than test your shields. He tried to reach into your mind to see if you were trustworthy, and he failed.” Obi-Wan held up a hand when Leia opened her mouth, outraged. “After I was done telling him how wrong that was, I suggested that it might be the effect of pain medication, but he was very insistent. And I...I wondered.”

“So I’m strong in the Force,” Leia said. “What are you planning to do with that?”

“That’s a very good question. It’s not often that we find people who are strong but untrained so late in life,” he said. “I have encountered one or two in my time who never saw the Jedi temple or joined one of the other Force traditions we recognize, but they were not happy meetings. When we brought Anakin to the Temple, he was considered shockingly old.”

“How old was he?”

“Nine.”

Leia blinked at Obi-Wan. “I am nineteen,” she said flatly. “And I’ve done just fine on my own. Perhaps nobody needs to know.”

Obi-Wan considered, his eyes troubled. “Perhaps it would have been better that way. Perhaps we still could keep it secret, but if you are to stay here…”

“What other option is there?”

“You could tell the Council how you came here,” Obi-Wan suggested.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know them,” Leia said.

“And you know me so well?”

“I can honestly say I never met you before Padmé introduced us, but my father trusted you, and that’s worth a lot.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes sparked with interest. “Your father?”

Leia had no template for a safe way to operate in this situation. If she took no risks, then she might cut off opportunities. Her heart ached to hear her father’s voice again, to see his face, even if it was much younger than she had ever known it. He might be on Coruscant now; he already held the Senate seat for Alderaan. Impulsively, she said, “Bail Organa.”

“Bail’s daughter,” Obi-Wan said, his eyebrows rising, and looked her over as if seeing her for the first time. “You are not what I would expect from a princess of Alderaan,” he said, nonplussed.

“I was raised in interesting times,” Leia said. Taking pity on him, she added, “I was adopted. I have no idea who my birth parents were. Wherever this,” she waved her hand, “Force, whatever, comes from, it’s not from Bail and Breha Organa.”

“Well. Wherever it comes from, there's something else to take into consideration before you decide not to confide in the Council. Those unhappy meetings I mentioned,” he said. “The more that you hide, the more likely they are to suspect you of being a dark side Force-user, perhaps an acolyte to someone powerful and dangerous.”

Leia frowned. Obi-Wan was young, but...they were at the beginning of the Clone Wars; her father had spoken of him as a man entrusted with much responsibility even then. “They won’t trust your judgement?”

“Some Council members believe my judgement to be...clouded, in such cases.” Obi-Wan's tone spoke of mild amusement, but there was something shuttered behind his eyes. “Anakin, you see. He is powerful like you, and many still believe it was dangerous for us to train him. It was I who finally made them agree to take him, and who oversaw his training.”

“Why dangerous? Surely it’s more dangerous to let something like this go untrained, if what you told me about my headaches is correct.” Her parents must have known what she was. Leia knew from her work with the Rebellion how dangerous the galaxy was for children strong in the Force. They must have known, and taken quiet steps to protect her.

“It’s not as simple as a skill to be learned. Those who do not train from a young age in the ways of the Jedi are at risk of being corrupted by the dark side of the Force. There are powers in the galaxy right now—”

Leia cut him off. “But it’s not inevitable.”

“No. With all my heart, I believe it is not inevitable. But not all of the Council does, and even those who do...Leia.” Obi-Wan stopped, trying to marshal his words. “Let’s just say that they have very good reason to be wary of unknown Force-users right now. Please, be open with them.”

“Not yet.” Leia shook her head. “They have no reason to believe me—honestly, Obi-Wan, I don’t know why you believe me.”

“I don’t know, either,” Obi-Wan muttered. He sat in one of the chairs at last. “All right, we won’t tell the Council yet, though it goes against all of my training. But you should decide what you’re going to do about Anakin’s suspicions. I know him, and he never drops anything.”

“You vouching for me won’t be enough?”

Obi-Wan laughed shortly. “Not without an explanation, and definitely not without telling him I investigated.”

“I’ll…talk to him,” Leia said. “If you think he’ll see me again.”

[lonelypond]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Idols

Love Live x Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 3.9K, 1/2

This is entirely your fault, Tumblr ; ) 

Out skating one day, Yazawa Nico, Kousaka Honoka, Hoshizora Rin, and Sonoda Umi are accidentally exposed to a mutagenic gel, causing Umi's werewolf traits to be transmuted to the other three. A year later, they find themselves in trouble again as they meet four individuals who know a lot about mutations. And pizza.

Practice Interupted

The sheer shiny cliffs of buildings surrounded Sonoda Umi, the moon a cool silver slash in the sky, her ears alert for any sound. They were meeting here tonight, for meditation practice, now, when the influence of the moon was slim, controllable. Nothing about the three young women who Umi was expecting was controllable, so she had to settle for what she could.

“Hey, Nico, there’s a car! Watch it.” Kosaka Honoka’s voice shouted from the west and Umi turned in that direction.

“Nico Nico Ni!” There was the high, shrill call of Yazawa Nico’s battle cry and Umi could see in her mind the tiny, twin tailed tornado torque off the front of a car or slide under a truck or some severely dangerous manuever.

“Wait for me, Nico!” And there was Rin, about to catch up, speed past, and do something even stupider than Nico had done. Umi sighed. Her life was now inextricably linked with those three maniacs and the burden was on her, since she had burdened them with her curse.

A Year Ago

“C’mon Umi, this is boring. I told Nico and Rin I’d meet them at the skatepark.” Honoka whined, her t-shirt untucked from her board shorts, her hair shoved under a backwards snapback.

“You are going to flunk more than half of your midterms if you do not allocate several days for study.”

“Umi, I’m bored, I had to sit in class all day and now, Rin’s got a cool tricks she’s showing off that I need to learn.”

“What you need to learn is how to conjugate verbs in English.”

Honoka rolled her eyes, “Been there, bored that.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

Honoka bit into a pastry and then stuck her tongue out at Umi, before sending her board rolling ahead. “See you at the park.” And Honoka hopped on her board and sped away.

Umi snarled. She could feel her anger rising. She glanced up at the sky. Still late afternoon, not yet moonrise. Maybe she could talk some sense into Honoka. Umi centered her chi, did three deep breaths, and then took off at a steady jog for the skating bowl Rin, Nico, and Honoka preferred.

###

Yazawa Nico was all set. Tokyo Olympics coming up, skateboarding was a full fledged, medal event, and Yazawa Nico was on track to level up her skills to crack the competitive circuit. Add charm, cuteness, and an unparalleled knowledge of the skate scene and Nico was about to make a HUGE splash, launching her own clothing line next month. Honoka’s best friend, Kotori had helped out and the custom shirts and bandanas were going to be seen in TWIG skating videos worldwide.

“Hey, Nico.” Rin hissed in her ear, sliding next to where Nico was sitting on the lip of the bowl.

“Yo?”

“That girl” RIn pointed to a tall redhead in jeans and a tight gray polo shirt, “keeps taking pictures of you. I think she’s in my grade.”

Nico leaned back and yes, there was a redhead with an actual camera, not just a phone, circling the skate park, pausing to kneel or lie down or prop herself at an odd angle to snap a shot. She saw Nico looking and startled, nearly dropping her camera.

“Hot.” Nico thought, then smiled, “Hey, if you want Nico to pose for you just say so.” Nico bounced up, dropped her board, and rocked an ollie into a nosegind, to pop up in front of the girl.

“I...I’m...you’re just here and I...have…” the girl seemed to be choking on air and waved her camera in Nico’s direction instead of finishing her sentence. Long eyelashes blinked over shimmering lavender pools.

Nico kicked her board up, flexing as she caught the nose, glad she’d worn a tank top. Sweaty though. But she’d pulled off a sweet move.

“What’s your TWIG? Tag Nico when you post your snaps. @NicoNollie.” Nico stepped forward and the taller girl tried to step back, but nearly fell over a huuba ledge. Nico reached out her arm and pulled the girl in close. She smelled like flowers. Nico stared into wide, surprised eyes, and then felt herself falling back when the girl shoved her.

“Hey!” Nico screamed as she dropped her board and rolled down the bowl slope, scraping her elbow.

“I didn’t ask you to touch me.” The girl pouted.

“Maki!” Rin yelled suddenly. “Nishikino Maki. We have study hall together. You say hi to Kayo-chin sometimes.”

The girl turned, eyes narrowed, “I don’t know you.”

“But you know my best friend, Kayo-chin? She’s in all your smart classes. Glasses, cute, super super smart.”

“Koizumi?”

Rin nodded as Nico pulled herself back up to ground level, glaring at her assailant, while she wiped her elbow, “Where’s the first aid kit?”

Rin shrugged, “So you skate, Maki?”

“No.”

“Want to skate? We can teach you.” Rin offered as Nico sat with her legs hanging down, wincing as she put an alcohol rub she'd found in her pocket on the scrape.

“No.” Maki opened her camera bag, settling her Fuji inside.

“So why are you taking pictures of Nico and then injuring Nico when she saves you from falling?” Nico awkwardly placed a cute bunny bandaid over her wound.

Maki glanced away, crossing her arms, one hand reaching up to play with her hair, “Had to take sports pictures for class.”

“And skateboarding is the best sport.” Nico’s voice boomed with approval.

Maki shrugged, “I like that girls and guys skate the same. And I didn't have enough time to hit the surfing spots.”

“Nico surfs.” Nico announced.

Rin glanced down, puzzled, “Since wh…”

Nico’s elbow connected at bruising speed with Rin’s shin.

“Nico?!??!!”

“Just shut it, Rin.” Nico stood up, stepping up to Maki, “So did when you post the snaps of Nico’s favorite tricks, you’ll tag Nico.” There was a pause as Nico levelled a serious glare at the photographer, “Right?”

Maki shrugged, turning away from Nico. Nico’s hand shot out, grabbed Maki’s shoulder and spun the other girl back to face her, “Right?”

Maki tensed, ready to open her mouth for a rant when a crouching body on a board zoomed between them.

“Save me, Nico. I’m not fast enough.”

“Honoka, what the hell…”

“She’s after me, Nico. She’s going to ruin everything!” Honoka 180'ed and hopped off next to Nico.

“What’s happening?” Maki asked, wondering if she should just leave.

“Her’ Nico grabbed Honoka by the back of the shirt, “ninja bff is about to drag her off to study.”

“You have to save me Nico!”

“Nico has her own problems.”

“Honoka.” Umi’s voice, though calm, carried. And then a siren blared, startling all the girls clustered around the skate bowl.

“You can’t make me study.” Honoka shouted.

“Let Honoka go, Nico.” Umi slowed, hands on hips, glaring at Honoka.

“Gladly.” Nico dropped Honoka, brushing her hands together.

“This happens all the time, Maki.” Maki was surprised to find Rin suddenly next to her, chatting as if they talked every day.

“I don’t really see how it affects me.”

“Nico never studies either. But then her Mom gets on her. Nico’s got it tough. Her dad died and she’s the big sis.”

“I don’t really care.” Maki was fascinated by the energetic gestures Nico was throwing around as she mediated between the other two girls.

“Anyway, Nico’s the best and I bet you got cool photos.” Rin gleamed, “Can’t wait to see them.”

“I don’t even know you." Maki rolled her eyes at her conversation partner.

Rin had a bright idea, “Hey, sit with us at lunch. Kayo-chin would love that. Aren’t you usually by yourself?”

Maki frowned, it sounded like she had no friends, but she just liked to play games on her phone without interruption and this Rin seemed to be all interruptions. “I’m fine. It’s not…”

And before Maki could finish her sentence or Umi could strangle Honoka, an out of control motorcycle with a glowing canister strapped to the back vroomed toward them. Nico leapt for Maki and Rin, an arm around each of them, pulling them down in the bowl. As the bleeding driver fell off  and the cycle forced Umi and Honoka to roll after Nico, the canister broke free, spilling a viscous gel across everyone but Maki, who watched in horror from where Nico had pushed her as the other girls thashed and screamed.

BACK TO NOW

Umi frowned. This was worse than she expected. Nico’s head was cocked at the angle for ultimate sassiness, her fur ears forward, alert, and smug. Ruby eyes flickered between dare and amusement. Nishikino Maki, who had not been invited to tonight’s session, was sitting on the edge of the roof, doing a terrible job of hiding her amusement at Umi looming over a smug Nico.

“This is not a date night, Yazawa."

“We’re not dating.” Nico and Maki echoed. Rin giggled, her ginger tail swaying.

Umi rolled her eyes, “You need to get serious about your training, Nico. You remember what happened last month?”

Nico’s confidence dented slightly, “No one was hurt.”

Honoka was perched next to Maki, glad Umi was lecturing someone else tonight, “I don’t know, Nico. A lot of people might have wanted to eat ice cream and you wiped out the whole freezer section.” Honoka’s grin showed her full set of fangs.

Umi sighed and addressed herself to Maki, who was usually responsible, “Did Nico drag you here?”

“Mrs. Yazawa came home early so I didn’t have to watch Nico’s brothers and sisters. So I was bored.” Maki shrugged.

“Maki needs to learn self control anyway, so she doesn’t yell at cute little Nico so often.” Nico winked.

“Maybe if cute little Nico didn’t stalk every girl who said something about how cute her ears are, I wouldn’t have to. You’re supposed to be discrete.”

“I have to agree with M…” Umi started.

“People think it’s cosplay, Nico’s gimmick, super duper cute.” Nico raised her hands to her temple, “Nico Nico Ni, Nico wins EVERY popularity contest.”

“Not mine.” Maki muttered.

“It is supercute. If we had to catch something from Umi,” Rin said as she grabbed at her bobbing tail, “I’m glad it was furriness.”

“You didn’t ‘catch’ furriness, Rin.” Maki stated. “Exposure to the mutagen caused your dna to alter, influenced by Umi’s lycanthropy.”

“Well, I like my tail.” Rin slapped the back of Maki’s head with it as Maki snarled.

“Too bad you didn’t get anything cute.” Rin teased.

Umi sighed. This session had gotten out of control even faster than usual. Her exposure to the mutagen had caused her hair to grow all the way down her back, her wolf ears present every day, not just during the days around the full moon. And the full array of animal senses Umi could never turn off, so she could sense so much more than anyone was willing to confess. Even if Nico and Maki refused to admit they were dating, their scent profiles and pheremones screamed it loud enough that Umi wanted them living several states apart. And Umi could feel her own attraction to Honoka, as well as the need to wrestle with the fact that Honoka had yet to mature fully. Rin also remained in a state of innocence, friendly to everyone, and very attached to Koizumi, but not yet ready for...Umi couldn’t even think the words in her mind...adult things. Eager for a distraction, she focused on Nico, who was watching Maki shove Rin away from her. Nico watching Maki was one of her few calm states so Umi hated to break the mood, but maybe they could transition to meditation. Or at least a few breathing exercises.

“Everybody on their feet. We’re going to start with warmups.” Not too much grumbling as the three settled into their starting pose. Umi nodded at Maki, “If you’re here, you work out with us, Maki.”

Maki considered, but instead of making a show of protest, joined Nico where she was standing behind Rin and Honoka. Nico suddenly became much more focused on her positioning, her posture improving almost immediately. Maybe Maki being here would be a boon.

Something metallic zinged by Umi’s ear. She whirled, reaching for a weapon she didn’t have. Nico’s voice screeched behind her, “MAKI!”

Umi was too busy searching for the threat to look behind her, but from the sounds, she guessed the dart had hit Maki, who had fallen, to be caught by Nico’s quick reflexes. So Nico was busy. Umi inhaled. 10 warriors, encircling the roof. “Rin, grab my bag. Honoka, to me. Nico…”

“Got her.” Nico said before Umi could finish.

Rin tossed weapons to everyone and Umi started the mental meditation that would allow her wolf side to take over completely. It had become so much easier since the accident to slip into the body that only the full moon used to summon. Nico would transform when she was angry, so Umi was teaching her restraint, and with Rin and Honoka, it seemed to be a random thing, more of a joy than a burden. But since as young as she could remember, Umi’s training at the Sonoda Dojo had been about controlling her animal side, so the others just opening freely to the change was a puzzle.

Umi readied her stance, gripped her no-dachi in her thumbed paws, and parried the first blow. Figures in black rushed her, trying to surge around her. Rin was at her right, with a katana, Honoka a little further to left so her naginta could use its full range. They were the wall protecting Maki.

And then out of the sky came commentary. “Hey, look, Leo, creepy ninjas vs. samurai furries. Are we in a video game?”

A more commanding voice stage whispered, “Quiet.”

And then a deeper, rolling grumble, “Yeah, Mikey, you’re blowing our surprise attack”

“Nah, these guys are even stupider than…”

“You?” the grumble hissed as three green blocky figures dropped in front of Umi, ninja weapons flashing as they pushed the attackers back.

“Hey, they’re girl samurai.” One of the newcomers stopped to stare long enough that Umi saw a simple, cloth, orange mask and a turtle shell. “Cool.”

“Umi.” Nico sounded panicked. “Maki’s not responding to me at all.”

A slash of the no dachi lamed an opponent and Umi stepped back to let Rin, Honoka, and two of the newcomers cover her as she fell back to Nico’s position.

“Is she breathing?”

“Barely.” Nico grimaced as she showed Umi a dart, “Poison?”

Umi sniffed, shaking her head, “Sedative. Might be too high a dose.”

Nico was blinking at a hyper sonic rate, to keep any tears from leaking out, “We’ve got to get her off the roof.”

“Can you and Rin carry her?”

Nico nodded.

“Rin. Help Nico.” Umi ordered.

Rin was there before Umi finished her sentence, raising Maki off the ground. And then ten more ninjas dropped in.

Nico, with a burst of adrenaline, bent down to swing Maki over her shoulder while Rin moved to intercept the first attacker. And then one of the turtles cartwheeled past Umi, grabbing Maki from Nico, and heading to the roof’s edge, the ninjas encircling them.

“Hey!” Nico shouted, pulling out her twin swords, cutting her way into the scrum.

A sudden flurry of arrows and shuriken flew toward them and then, with majestic poise, this turtle, head wrapped in a tattered red mask, froze, a surprised look on its face, and toppled forward. Before Nico could reach Maki, the creepy ninja scrum had grabbed Maki and gone over the roof. Nico watched them pull away in a van, and then collapsed on the roof edge, arms out, head hanging down, whispering “Maki.”

“Don’t worry, I put a tracker on their van.” A three fingered green hand grabbed the roof edge next to Nico, and a turtle face wearing a purple mask turned to smile at Nico. “I’m Donatello. Call me Donnie. These are my brothers. Why’d the Foot Clan kidnap your girlfriend?”

Nico lifted her head just barely enough to glare at the green face six inches from her nose, “Ask the Foot Clan.”

Donnie, jumped up on the roof, and pulled a pad out, with a green blip moving away from them. Nico grabbed it, “Umi, we have to follow them. Now.”

Umi was parrying three swords so Nico’s demand went unanswered. With a massive effort, Umi threw her opponents back, howled, and bashed each of them with the hilt, knocking them unconscious. Rin and Honoka had the rest tied up, with the help of the two conscious Turtles. Nico shoved the one who’d grabbed Maki with her foot as she pulled the dart from its shoulder, “They got this one with a dart too. Can we go rescue Maki now?”

“Hey, Leo, let’s take the Shellraiser.” the orange masked Turtle said as he put his weapons away.

“What’s a Shellraiser?” Rin and Honoka asked in unison and the Turtle waved them to the street side of the roof and pointed down at a subway car converted into some kind of travelling siege engine.

“Whoa!” Honoka

“Can I drive?”’ Rin bounced with excitement.

“No.” Nico had a grappling hook out and was about to drop off the roof. “Shotgun speeding.”

“Excuse me.” The blue masked Turtle held out its palm, in a stop gesture, “I’m the only driver. And we can rescue your friend.”

“Who even are you?” Nico glared, grappling hook ready to bash.

“Leonardo. Leo. These are my brothers, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael.”

“Sleeping Beauty.” The orange masked one snorted.

“The unemployable comedian is Mikey.” Donnie explained.

“Nico doesn’t care if you’re Ms. Zoo America. They took Maki.”

“Do you know why?” Leo asked.

“DO I CARE WHY?” Nico was screaming, her arms flailing as the grappling hook got closer to landing a secure grip in Leo's nostril. Then she pivoted, “Umi. Help Nico.”

“We are very pleased to meet fellow guardians of goodwill, but our friend’s situation appears to be urgent. So we have no time for non productive chatter.”

Nico checked the pad, her voice hitting a panicky high note. “They stopped. Which means whatever weird thing they’re going to do to Maki is about to start.” Nico paled, her ears slumping.

Umi stepped up to Leonardo, her hand out, “I will be commandeering your vehicle now.”

Nico was furled up, a low growl drawing the attention of the Turtles. They watched as she transformed, increasing in size until she became the size of a large bear, black fur covering her completely.

Mikey pushed Leonardo, “Leo’s the only one who gets to drive the Shellraiser, It’s a rule.”

"Shellraiser?" Raph sat up, rubbing his forehead. "We're saving the girl." Donnie whispered.

"Of course, I am." Raph pushed himself to his feet.

Nico ran to the edge of the roof and jumped off, metal groaning as she landed solidly on the roof of the shellraiser. Donatello glanced back at Leo, “I guess I’ll be reinforcing that. Hey, wait, she’s trying to claw her way in.”

Mikey grabbed the pad Nico had dropped, “Van’s on the move again.”

“Hey, did they drop off Maki?” Honoka asked.

Rin, slumped, suddenly terrified for her bff.

“I’m going down there before she wrecks my custom mods,” Raph said and vaulted down to the car.

Leo frowned, “That’s a multi car crash waiting to happen.”

“Agreed.” Umi sheathed her sword at her back. “We may need your help. If we have to check out the building and follow the van.”

“And save the werewolf’s girlfriend.” Mikey grinned.

There was an angry howl.

“What did she say?” Donatello wondered.

“A lie.” Rin stood, ginger fur covering her as she did, but retaining her bipedal status. She sprinted, leapt into the air, and landed like a cat on the hood. Nico huffed.

“Nico thinks we don’t know they’re dating.” Honoka said.

“Ha! Like nobody knows April dating me.”

“That’s not what’s happening, Donnie.” Mikey was standing on the roof edge, watching the scene below, and he winced as a large noise happened. “Oh wow. The furball just crushed a dumpster with Raph.”

Leo was tumbling toward the ground, Donatello following, using his staff to vault, Umi paused briefly to calculate the arc and speed of the leap necessary to land her near Nico. Honoka was standing next to Mikey, throwing air punches in support of Nico’s attempts to rip through the Shellraiser’s roof.

Leo pulled out the keys, jumped into the vehicle, and started the ignition. Nico howled. Umi landed lightly on the hood and strode toward the window. Leo wondered briefly if she was going to kick her way through the windshield, but then remembered she wasn’t Raph or Mikey.

“Nico.” Umi snapped. “Get inside.”

Nico snarled, claws crunching dents into the metal of the roof.

“This is boss.” Honoka said as she and Rin jumped into the Shellraiser right after Mikey, Donnie, and Raph.

“Fine, stay on the roof." Umi closed the side door behind her. “Drive.”

###

Nishikino Maki woke up, headachey, sore, groggy, shoulder throbbing. Where was Nico? The last thing she’d heard was Nico calling her name. She could smell cedarr incense and wood and nothing familiar. Opening her eyes slightly, she took in details of the room. Antique Japanese screens, incense burners on low tables, floor to ceiling glass facing the night cityscape. She could hear several voices, but no actual words. She tugged at her hands. Tied. Ankles too. Not gagged, but she wouldn’t want to be drawing attention to herself until she had a plan. She closed her eyes again and concentrated. Fingers on her right hand altered, paw and claws replacing fingers. Claws were much much better for slashing through rope. As often as she’d cursed Rin’s clumsiness in accidentally biting her and then bounding off during Rin’s first full moon transformation, the time Maki'd been putting in working through the mental exercises Nico always ranted about was going to pay off now. Perhaps she could slip out of here before she was discovered or needed to use her wolf abilities in a fight. She’d done so well at keeping them a secret, even from Nico, who had wondered occasionally about different scent mixes coming from Maki, but when Maki said, “it’s because I’m in love,’ Nico had blushed, fake grumped, and never mentioned it again. Nico hadn’t replied that she was in love too, but there had been a few extra hip bumps when they walked home. Right now, Maki was content to wait. She got to spend most of her extra time with Nico, and occasionally catch the smoldering glow in Nico’s beautiful carmine eyes when she thought Maki was preoccupied with something else. Maki knew Nico thought she wasn’t smart or rich or…something enough for Maki, but Maki was going to patiently nudge Nico until her fiercely talented future wife got tired of underestimating herself. Or couldn’t resist Maki’s charms anymore. Grinning as she freed her wrists, Maki carefully moved her bared claws to free her ankles. Still the low rumble of conversation. Too many people to take on without backup, but maybe if she could manage to sneak…

And then the windows shattered. Maki recognized the growl and her instincts took over, inner wolf becoming fully outer wolf to rush to Nico’s side.

A/N: This is entirely the fault of the anonymous Tumblr ask who said "all of them are werewolves."Truth to tell, I have had a really really busy stressful month that included the death of my wife's father, along with all the lives lost to Covid-19 and American's evil beating heart pumping systemic racism. And I'd bought a TMNT mask for wearing in public spaces, so I was in a Turtle mood, and started watching the animated series and here we are. I was going for episode pacing, so this initial effort is a two parter. I also feel like my writing has been wrenched out of the zone by everything and I really really just want to finish something cute and fun and kickass.Take care. I appreciate all of you who've read and/or commented and/or written and/or kudoed to keep this Love Live corner of the universe lively.

[otome--fantasy]

Of Demons and Dragons

Ikemen Sengoku Imagine: Being able to turn into a dragon.

Ch.3

Warnings: Swearing, trigger warning for drowning? There is a bath scene in the sixth paragraph where MC goes underwater - completely of her own free will though. Is dragon shenanigans a warning?

The next morning you were left to wake up at whatever time you pleased. There was no knocking on the door, no vassals or guards who'd come to fetch you, and no ungodly sunlight to disturb you. For the first time since your arrival, you slept like the dead. Perhaps it was your body compensating for your quick recuperation. With a grumble, you sat up in bed, the tug of the stitches once again reminding you to be careful with what you do.

Maybe...

You were already thinking of what to tell Ieyasu if this ended badly. Telling him you bumped into some furniture and accidentally ripped your stitches seemed like the best one. Sure he would call you stupid and clumsy, but he probably already thinks that of you so really what do you have to lose? You stripped yourself of your night attire, examining the stitched wounds along your side before running your fingers over them. The skin didn't feel sore, or tender, maybe this wouldn't end in you running to Ieyasu's quarters.

The nail of your index finger grew longer and sharpened to a point with a curved arch - much like the talon of a bird, and with a deep breath you used it to cut the stitchs of one of the wounds on the side of your hip. It hadn't hurt, if anything your felt a bit of relief with the skin not having to be pulled so tautly. What did feel...odd however, was when the stitches were pulled. It stung and felt like hair was being pulled from the spot, but it wasn't so painful that it would make you stop. Yes, you stood there for a good hour or so just pulling out your own stitches. It would have taken less time had you not struggled with the ones on your back, but you didn't have a mirror to look in to, so you had to just feel for them till you got them all.

With a relieved sigh, you stretched before examining what was left of your wounds. There was only subtle traces left behind - pink, shiny scar tissue that felt smoother and softer than the skin around it. Maybe in a day or two, three at most the scars would be gone, but for now you thought it best to play the part of the wounded princess - though the thought left an unsavory taste in your mouth.

You officially started your day by freshening up and requesting the maids to start a bath for you. The hot water felt wonderful on your skin and helped your muscles relax. With a deep breath in, you closed your eyes and plunged yourself below the surface. You felt yourself become practically weightless in the water, with the only thing grounding you being the bottom of the tub against your lower back. You allowed your arms to drift up as you entered a sort-of meditative state, but when you heard someone's muffled voice calling your name frantically you emerged with gasp - scaring the maid who had been standing at the edge of your tub.

"Oh have mercy!" She cried out with both her hands over her chest, "I thought something had happened to you, Milady! I didn't see you in the bath," she was frantic, "And no one had seen you leave, I- I thought that perhaps you had slipped and fallen, or were hurt-" she rambled, completely hysteric.

You sat there and listened, moving your soaking hair out of your face before making your way over to the side she was standing next to. You gently placed your hands on hers and pulled them up, "Hey, hey, hey, calm down," you spoke in a soft voice in an attempt to get the girl to quiet down and listen, "I'm fine." She looked at you, feeling a bit embarrassed, "I apologize, for worrying you."

"It's alright," she took a deep breath, still trying to calm down, "You were simply enjoying your bath, miss."

You nodded before releasing her hands and sitting back in the water, "I've left you some fresh towels and rags on the shelf ma'am, p-please take as long at you need," she smiled and nodded before quickly scurrying away - probably still embarrassed about the whole ordeal.

After she'd left, you reached over to the shelf that was, conveniently, an arms length away from the edge of the tub and grabbed a small rag to scrub yourself with. You stayed in the water till it got cold and decided to get out and return to your room, wrapping your hair in a towel and yourself in a robe before you left the bathhouse. You hadn't paid any attention to the vassals who were training in the yard and stopped to look at you, till one ran up to you and stopped you in your tracks, "Good afternoon, Princess!"

He was a handsome young man, with young and bright features that would suggest he may be in his early 20's. He looked too old to be a teenager but too young to possibly be an experienced and seasoned soldier. His bright eyes and innocent smile were almost as infectious as Mitsunari's, and his brown locks framed his face freely.

"Yes?" You raised your brows at him questioningly, not quite sure what this man wanted.

"Pardon me, Milady, my name is Soji Okita. I'm a vassal of Lord Masamune," he bowed to you respectfully, and just when you thought his smile couldn't get any brighter, it did.

"Is that supposed to impress me?" You gave him a sly smile.

"No," he chuckled, forgetting for a moment that he was talking to an 'Oda Princess', "I suppose not..."

There was a small moment of silence, before you pursed your lips, and your smile became awkward, "Well I best get going," you should really go to your room and get dressed. You stepped around him to continue on your way.

"Wait!" He quickly whirled around to follow you, "Do you need help getting back to your room? An escort? A lady shouldn't walk so far on her own." He was following you now.

"No, I assure you I can handle myself," You shot him a quick smile before you picked up your pace.

"But Milady-"

"Shouldn't you be training, with your fellow vassals?" A familiar voice that you had gotten fairly acquainted with due to the council meeting the previous night, reached your ears, "After all, you all are training so hard to prevent what happened to the Princess from happening again, aren't you?"

Mitsuhide.

You could practically hear your dragon hissing in your ear.

"Y-yes, sir," Soji's smile faded, and he gave the both of you a bow before scurrying off.

You rolled your eyes and continued to your quarters, "That goes for you too, Mitsuhide. Go away."

"Oh no, I can't just let my Lord's lucky charm walk alone to her chambers- and in nothing but a bathrobe no less." Smug bastard.

"Like I told that soldier, I can handle myself." Now you were walking so fast you had to place a hand on the towel wrapped on your head to keep it from falling off.

"Like you did on the battle field?"

At that you stopped and turned to glare at him, "I have the mind to strangle you with my towel- I will not tell you again, Mitsuhide. Fuck. Off." You quickly whipped around to speed walk.

"And speaking of which."

Damn it.

"How does a girl like you survive such a grisly attack? Shot in several different vital spots- your neck, back, and side. There was a reason Ieyasu didn't think you were going to make it."

"Perhaps, I am as lucky as your Lord might believe."

"Oh we both know that isn't true." You could here the amusement in his voice. He knew he was getting under your skin, "The temple- a fluke, but that battle? Impossible."

You grabbed the tip of your towel and quickly unraveled your hair from it before whipping around and chucking the material at the white-haired warlord, "Oh would you give it a rest already?! What do you want from me?!"

"The truth." He effortlessly caught the damp fabric, his calmness on the matter only serving to anger you more.

"You're one to talk!" You threw your hands in the air, "Always sneaking about, not even Hidayoshi trusts you!"

"He doesn't trust you either."

With an enraged hiss you swiped at him, your nails growing in length and sharpening as your hand rapidly sailed through the air. Mitsuhide was of course, quick, and you hadn't exactly tried to hide your intentions so it was easy for him to predict and move out of the way. He stepped back, leaving a poor defenseless column to suffer your wrath. The wood cracked and gave way under your strike, causing the column to break horizontally and splinter out the other end.

"My, my, what great strength you have." He chuckled. He wasn't going to lie, he had been surprised by your blatant show of your...abilities, but then again, one common denominator in every odd occurrence thus far had been your temper.

You turned to look at him, forgetting to keep yourself in check as you glared at him with your dragons vivid, piercing hues and slited pupils.

"Are those your eyes, or is it a trick of the light?"

That's when you relized what you were probably doing, and you didn't hesitate to flee the scene of the crime. Where would you go? Your room? No, Mitsuhide could follow you there and pester you. Hidayoshi isn't an option, he still doesn't trust you, and even if he did what would you tell him? No one knows anything except-

Sasuke.

You made a beeline for the castles main entrance where you would flee into town in search for Sasuke, the only person who knew anything. Would he even be in town? He had to be, how else would he be able to come and go so freely? Whatever. If you had to leave town, you would as long as it ment you could find a safe haven for a little while.

"Princess!"

"Miss!"

"Milady!"

"Where are you going?!"

Several maids, vassals, and other servants tried calling out to you, but you ignored them as you kept your eyes on the cobblestone road ahead of you, and the closed gates that separated the castle from the village. The closer you got to them, the more they began to rattle and shake as if a strong storm was threatening to throw them open.

When you were only a couple feet infront of them the gates flew off their hinges. The sound got the attention of the villagers in time for them to move out of the way as the metal gate shot past them before clattering to the ground. They couldn't see you run past in the cloud of dust that the ruckus caused, which worked in your favor. You wanted to at least get some distance before you were caught. However, in all the comotion you became disoriented and as soon as you exited the dust cloud you ran into someone- sending both you and them tumbling to the ground.

"Watch where you're going you-" the person who was about to berate you paused for a moment, "You!!"

You glanced up to meet the familiar brown eyes of the man who helped save you from running off the edge of a cliff. The loudness if his voice caused you to snap out of your frozen state and you practically jumped off of him. He raises a brow at you, questioning if it really was you or just someone else who looks like you. The night he met you, you were so different - you were stubborn, headstrong, loud, rude, but also undeniably brave. Now you just seemed...spooked.

"Wha-?"

"Take me to Sasuke," you grab his arm and gaze into his eyes. Your wide-eyed, slightly pale expression caused him to fumble with his words for a brief moment, before he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "Y-yeah, sure."

He quickly stood, pulling you up with him before he looked to see just what the heck you were wearing. In his peripheral it had looked like a simple white cloth robe, and to his suprise that's just what it was. He blushed when he realized it was a bath robe, "Now just wait a second!" He cleared his throat, "Just what are you planning?!" His red flushed cheeks allowed his embarrassment to be on full display.

"What?" Your tone was sharp and your were quickly losing patience, you didn't have time to stand around and straighten your story out.

"You're not wearing anything under that robe! What's wrong with you? Running out in public after a bath?!" He still hadn't started moving.

"Yes, and one could argue that under all your clothes, you aren't wearing anything either," you were beginning to raise your voice, "Now. I'm not playing around, take me to Sasuke!"

"I'm right here," at the sound of Sasuke's voice you whipped around, causing him to throw his arms in the air as if to show you he ment no harm. "Easy there," he narrowed his eyes to examine you, it was obvious you dropped everything you had been doing to run off and come find him.

"What happened?" He placed a hand on your shoulder and lead you into an alleyway, before pulling you into a small hole-in-the-wall noodle shop, Yukimura following close behind. The small restuarant had been fairly empty, save for a platinum blond man sitting in the far corner and a taller man with reddish-brown hair sitting at the bar - both looking vaguely familiar.

"I-" you took a deep breath as you recalled the past few moments that had just transpired, "I didn't mean to show him." Sasuke lead you to a small booth and sat you down, while he sat across from you and Yukimura stood at the edge of the table, "Show who?"

"I didn't mean to show Mitsuhide..." you glanced up at the ninja before you looked back down at the table, "I just got so angry," you ran your hands through your hair, "And before I realized what I was doing, it was done."

"Wait, Mitsuhide?" Yuki looked between the two of you in suprise, and unbeknownst to the three of you, the other two occupants of the restuarant began listening as well after they heard you mention the name of one of Nobunaga's most trusted vassals.

"Did you...?" Sasuke ignored his friend, for now, as he made a gesture with his hands, asking if you transformed, "No, no...but I may have caused some damage to the building," you cleared your throat, "And he saw my eyes..."

"Okay," Sasuke breathed, "Well what happened?"

"He's been getting under my skin since the first day but," with a sigh you leaned in closer to whisper, though in your shaken state it was difficult to keep an even volume and your voice wasn't as quiet as you would have liked, "He's been watching me," you shook your head slightly, "Or paying attention rather..."

Sasuke's brows furrowed before he finally looked at Yukimura, "Can we have a moment please?"

Yuki looked at his friend in suprise, "What, no-"

"You can trust her, she isn't going to try anything." Sasuke was persistent. He understood why his friend didn't want to leave him alone with you after you just mentioned the name of one of his, and his masters enemies, but you both came from the future and therefore held no ties with any of the warlords...yet. Yuki was hesitant, but he eventually walked away to join the towering man who sat at the bar.

As soon as you thought he was out of earshot enough for you to whisper you leaned over the table again, "He's been paying close attention to me, noticing that things tend to," you motioned with your hands while you tried to think of a way to phrase things incase anyone decided to listen in, "happen when I get angry, or emotional in general."

"Have there been a lot?"

"I mean, a few but, I didn't think anyone would notice..."

"I told you these were warlords, they're highly skilled and trained to notice or pick up on things that most wouldn't," he reminded you of the first night, the night he warned you to be careful around those men, "What exactly has been happening?"

"Well," you stopped to think and began picking at your nails, "I know my eyes change sometimes, uh..." of course you wouldn't be able to name instances off the top of your head, some of these things happen without you realizing it, "and the more emotional I get the more...severe these flare ups seem to be."

"I see."

"The most recent incident was when I made Ieyasu's tea explode-"

"You what?!"

"Shh-" you quickly placed a hand on his mouth and looked to Yukimura, who was eyeing you suspiciously, and the man next to him turned and seemed to be watching you from the corner of his eye. You gave them a awkward halfhearted smile before quickly returning your gaze to Sasuke, "To be fair, he kind of deserved it."

"What?" Sasuke blinked and shook his head in disbelief at what you were telling him, "How can you even make that happen without it being obvious?" He was questioning whether or not you were actually trying to be stealthy with your abilities, or if you were just using them willy-nilly.

"I just made it hot, really, really fast."

"How-"

"I just willed it so- anyways." You waved a hand infront of him as if the motion could physically brush the conversation aside, "The one that's been hard to hide is this," you moved the hem of your robe to the side to expose the skin on your shoulder.

"There's nothing there?"

You have him a look, head ticking slightly to the side, you pursed your lips and gave him a blank stare. And then, as if he could read your mind his eyes widened, "Your wounds from the battle."

"Exactly."

"They're gone!"

"Shhh!" You put your hand on his shoulder as if the action would press a button and make him quiet down before moving it back to your side, "I know, which is what really got the ball rolling on this- apparently my wounds were critical. Life threatening. Ieyasu said I should have been out for days, but I slept for 4 hours and I was fine."

"Well just play possum," Sasuke coughed to correct his expression- possoms play dead Sasuke, "play the damsel in distress."

"Yes I already came to that resolve, but Mitsuhide questioned me, Sasuke, infront of the entire council. Luckily I was able to redirect the topic, but it was a really close call."

"Okay... So what do you want me to do? Do I need to get you out of there."

You sighed. Originally you had come to him seeking safe haven, hoping there was somewhere you could go where you could wait out the rest of your stay, with someone who knew what you were, but your conversation from the previous night came to mind. You told Sasuke that, if you disappeared, Nobunaga would come looking for you, "No..." your rubbed your face defeatedly before slamming your fist on the table. An action that caused Sasuke to jump slightly and place his hands on opposite edges of the table, as if he alone would keep the table together should it break under the force of your hand, "I just needed someone I could talk to... Someone who might be able to give me guidance."

"Why don't you just play dumb?"

"What?"

Sauke clarified, "Why don't you just act like you don't know what's going on? If he tries to get information or a reaction out of you, just act like you don't know what he's talking about. You aren't denying any suspicions, but you aren't confirming them either."

"Excuse me." You looked up at the sound of a deep voice coming from the large figure who approached your table. You do recognized him!

"I couldn't help but over hear, that a beautiful dove such as yourself seems to feel threatened," Shingen smiled gently down at you, though his eyes suggested he was watching to gauge your reaction, like he wanted to get a read on your character.

"Did you really over hear the entire thing?" Sasuke looked suprised for a moment.

"Well, no," he admitted, "But I heard enough to know that an innocent woman is in distress." He bowed to you, "And I am fully prepared to whisk her away to safety."

You laughed and smiled politely, "As nice as that would be, I can't just run from my problems," even if that's what you were totally trying to do, "I have to go back and take care of it."

"Ah, a tenacious young woman, I can respect that," his expression seemed to soften somehow.

"Yes well," you slid out of the booth before standing, Shingen stepping out of your way to give you room before you turned to look at Sasuke, "I suppose I should return to the lions den."

"Yukimura and I can walk you back," Sasuke suggested. "What?!" The man in question piped up from his seat at the bar.

"Won't that be dangerous for the both of you?" Somthing dawned on you and you turned to Shingen, "And you too!" You gave the redheaded man a smack on the arm, "What if you're caught?"

He looked shocked at your actions, "Whatever do you mean?" These men, thinking they could say their names around you and you wouldn't remember them- well normally is does take you longer to remember names, but you learned about these men in history class, and though history wasn't your best subject - you heard their names enough in class to recognize them if you heard them again. "Do you think me stupid, Shingen?'

"You remembered my name?" His mouth was slightly agape now.

"Of course," you scoffed, "You all left such an impression last time."

"Even so," he chuckled, "How would it be unsafe here for us? We are merely travelling merchants." You gave him a look to let him know you didn't quite believe him - raising one brow while the other furrowed and topped it off with a lopsided smile, "Sure."

You began to walk off before Sasuke stopped you, "My offer still stands," you turned to look at him, "If you feel unsafe, we can provide refuge for you."

You smiled and nodded, "Thank you, Sasuke. I'll let you know if anything changes, but I at least plan to teach these boys some manners before I leave." Sasuke released you arm with a smile of his own, "Of course, but at least allow Yuki and I to escort you back. It isn't good for a woman to walk around in public with nothing but a bath robe, unless you intend to announce everything to all of Azuchi."

You huffed, "Yes, I suppose you're right." Sasuke waved Yukimura over who sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes before sliding off the stool and making his was over, "Why would you even run out into public with nothing but a bath robe, thats just asking for trouble," he snarked.

As the three of you headed out the doorway, you roughly elbowed him in the ribs, "Lesson number one," you snapped.

"Ow!" He quickly moved a hand to rub his now sore side.

"No one- woman or man asks for anything just because of what they wear or how they look," you turned to gaze at him with narrowed eyes, a look that -had you been a man- he would have taken as a challenge, "If I were to knee you in your crotch right now and you weren't wearing any protective gear, does that mean you were asking to get kicked in the balls?"

His mouth dropped at your crude words.

"No?" You raised a brow, "That's what I thought." You turned and walked back in the direction of the castle, with Sasuke following closely at your side. It took Yukimura a moment, as he sputtered and tried to find his words before ultimately deciding to keep his mouth shut and run after the both of you.

"You know," after a moment passed, Yuki was finally able to find his words.

"Hm?" You didn't look at him, but you acknowledged his words.

"You don't talk like a woman...or act like one."

"Correction, I don't talk like the women your used to," you sneared, "Meek little housewives, doting, wishing and waiting on men who treat them more like property than living beings, who treat them more like maids than life partners, who scorn them for having an opinion of their own." You gave him a sharp look, "For you to tell me that I neither talk nor act like one of your oppressed women, is a compliment."

For the second time today, Yukimura found himself swallowing the lump that formed in his throat. He was going to say that you acted more like a boar than a woman, but he couldn't form words at the moment. You averted your gaze to look away from him just as Sasuke placed his hands on either of your shoulders, "Forgive her, Yuki, she's from a much more peaceful and care free village."

"She comes from somewhere else? What is she doing here in Azuchi then?"

You laughed, but before you could say a word, Sasuke spoke for you, "One of the vassals who lives in this village has hired her as his seamstress."

You turned to Sasuke and gave him a look, not quite happy with the hole he was digging you. A seamstress? Sure being a dragon you've had to pick up a few things to avoid having to buy new clothing on a daily basis, but your knowledge only went as far as repairing tears and holes in your garments. He looked you in the eyes, practically begging you to play along.

"Yes," you looked to Yukimura, "but I live at the castle with the rest of the working women."

A silence fell over the three if you as you continued down the villages dirt road, earning odd looks here and there from several of the customers and shopkeepers along the trail. Yuki found himself looking around nervously, unsure if any of the villagers would be willing to assault a barely clothed woman being escorted by two men. You and Sasuke however, were a stark contrast- the both of your were calm and walked with your heads held high, as if there wasn't a thing in the world that could harm you.

Unbeknownst to any of you however, there were most certainly people out looking for you. Hideyoshi and Mitsunari were currently scouring the village for you. One of the maids had informed them while they were making their way down the castle halls, that she returned to your room about an hour after you left the bathhouse to find your quarters empty. She was frantic that something may have happened to you, and they recieved several reports from the practicing vassals that they saw you trying to get away from Mitsuhide before you left their line of sight.

However, you noticed Yuki and Sasuke become ridged and a bit more robotic at the same time that the hair at the back of your neck stood on end. Someone was watching you, and not in the awkward gawking manner that the villagers were- it felt like someone was observing you, studying you, approaching you.

"There you are!"

You froze at the familiar sound of Hideyoshi's voice and about faced to look at him, "Hideyoshi"

"What were you thinking?!" He stormed closer to the three of you, frantically removing the outermost layer of his garb to wrap around you, "And in nothing but a bath robe?!"

You allowed him to drape the fabric over your shoulders, quickly shoving your arms through the sleeves before he closed the opening infront of you, and tightly tied the kimono shut. "Oh good! You found her!" Mitsunari came around Hideyoshi to stand infront of you with a gentle smile, "You had us all worried, Milady."

"I'm sorry," you apologized, "I shouldn't have acted so rashly, it was dangerous and stupid and unnecessary."

"Nonsense," Mitsunari looked at you sympathetically, "Mitsuhide said it was his fault for talking to you so rudely. He admitted he had been trying to get under your skin and it frightened you."

Frightened you? Well at least you know he hadn't told anybody about what really happened. But why? Certainly not to protect you... All you know is that now you owe Mitsuhide, and that is one of the last people you want to owe a favor to.

"Yes," you confirmed the story, "I let my emotions get the best of me, and blindly ran away. Luckily I ran into two fine men who talked me down and offered to escort me back to the castle."

As you mentioned them, Hideyoshi looked to both Sasuke and Yuki, with a blank and slightly untrusting gaze, "Thank you both." His eyes narrowed slightly, "Surely there is something we can do for the both of your to repay you for your kindness."

Yuki was about to speak before Sasuke cut him off as he had done before to you, "Nonsense, we merely wanted to make sure this woman got home safely." He bowed slightly with a nod of his head, Yuki followed his actions and remained silent, "She seemed quite distressed, and we just wanted to make sure all was well."

Hideyoshi's gaze softened and he ended the conversation with a small smile, "Well, we thank you for your kind gesture. We can take her the rest of the way." Sasuke nodded, while Yukimura stood still ith a awestruck expression on his face, and with that, Hideyoshi took hold of your arm and guided you away, with Mitsunari following close behind.

[tipsycad147]

The Fox

By shirleytwofeathers

Keynote: Feminine magick of camouflage, shapeshifting, and invisibility

Cycle of Power: Nocturnal, Dawn, and Dusk

Key Words: Wisdom, Cunning, Strategy, Cleverness, Adaptability, Quick-thinking

The fox is a totem that has touched almost every society on the planet. It is a totem that speaks of the need to develop or the awakening of camouflage, invisibility, and shapeshifting. It is one of the most uniquely skilled and ingenious animals of nature. It can teach these skills to those whose life it enters.

The fox has a long history of magick and cunning associated with it. Because it is a creature of the night, it is often imbued with supernatural power. It is often most visible at the times of dawn and dusk, the “Between Times” when the magickal world and the world in which we live intersect. It lives at the edges of forests and open land – the border areas. Because it is an animal of the “Between Times and Places,” it can be a guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Its appearance at such times can often signal that the Faerie Realm is about to open for the individual.

The fox encourages us to think outside of the box and use our intelligence in different, creative ways. The fox also brings us a message to try to approach our circumstances differently that we normally would. Be aware of some of our habits, and try a different angle of action.

The fox also a reminder that we must utilise all of our resources (seen and unseen) in order to accomplish our goals. Sometimes this means calling upon some unorthodox methods. Furthermore, the fox is a sign to be mindful of our surroundings.

Phenomenally effective shape-shifters and incredibly adaptable, the fox beckons us to not make too many waves but rather, adapt to our surroundings, blend into it, and use our surroundings (and circumstances) to our advantage.

The fox has an incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom to share with us if/when we are willing to be still for the teachings. Spend some meditative time with the spirit of the fox – odds are you will be amazed at the powerful insight this regal creature has to offer you.

The Lore of Foxes

In the Orient, it was believed that foxes were capable of assuming human form. In ancient Chinese lore, the fox acquires the faculty to become human at the age of 50, and on its hundredth birthday, it becomes either a wizard or a beautiful maiden who will ultimately destroy any man unlucky enough to fall in love with her.

In Japan, the fox is a particularly good influence. It is both a symbol of fertility and sacred to Inari, the God of Plenty. Inari often takes on the form of the fox, and shopkeepers, housekeepers, and businessmen of the Shinto faith keep a little shrine in their homes dedicated to this fox God, so that he will watch over their affairs.

There are several American Indian tribes that tell tales of hunters who accidentally discovered their wives were foxes. This is very symbolic of the idea of magick being born within the feminine energies, and that unless a male can recognise the magick of the feminine – in himself or others – and learn to use it to shapeshift his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction.

The Cherokees invoke fox medicine to prevent frostbite, and Hopi shamans always wear fox skins in their healing rites. The Choctaw saw fox as the protector of the family unity. Apaches credited fox with the killing of the evil bear, and for sticking its tail fur into the flame and stealing fire for humans.

The Celts believed the fox to be a guide, and was honoured for its wisdom. The Celts understood the fox knows the woods intimately, and they would rely upon the fox as their guide in the spirit world.

In other societies, fox was also held in high esteem. In Persia it was sacred, for it helped the deceased get to heaven. In Egypt, fox fur was thought to bring favour with the gods. The Indians of Peru had a fox god. The fox was often believed to reward those who did it service.The fox is the totem animal of Dionysus, whose seductively foxy priestesses wore fox skins.

Early Christians associated the fox with that most cunning of tricksters, the Devil. The Fox Spirit of Japan and Korea is a shapeshifting often evil spirit called a Kitsune. You can read more about Fox Spirits here.

To Say To A Fox

When fox-red suns Burn low in the south, The cold fox turns To famine and death;

But leave by his house Four rats, three birds, Two hares and a mouse And these warm words:

Fox run round And favour my ground; Eat from my hand, Fatten my land

Who feeds a fox Should suffer no loss.

Fox Symbolism

The symbolic meanings associated with the fox are:

Physical or mental responsiveness, increased awareness

Cunning; seeing through deception; call to be discerning

Ability to find your way around, to be swift in tricky situations

Affinity with nocturnal activities and dream work

The seducer, or seductress

The magick of pure luck

The energy of mischief and opportunity

Play, charm and magickal allure

The Svengali effect ~

Playfulness, light-heartedness, glorious playful enthusiasm.

Beauty and elegance

It is noteworthy to observe the fox while it is on the hunt. We see its entire body is pointed like an arrow – straight and tightly aimed. This is a symbolic message for us to set a determined, and powerfully focused mindset in order to “hit the target” of our desires.

Red Fox Symbolism:

The Red Fox carries with it the symbolism and totem powers of passion and energy, in touch with the primordial Earth spirit, having confidence that the Earth supplies for all of it’s needs.

Gray Fox and Silver Fox Symbolism:

The Gray Fox also known as the Silver Fox is a symbol of being debonair, svelte, and in good taste. His discreet manner is that of nobility and refinement. The fur of the Silver Fox is almost iridescent as it sparkles in the sun, capturing the essence of wealth and good fortune.

Arctic Fox Symbolism:

The Arctic Fox is a sign of magick amidst the ordinary, capable of invisibility with the cloak of snow surrounding, it, magick is most definitely afoot when the Arctic Fox appears for you.

Fox As A Spirit Animal

The fox is often associated with the figure of the trickster, but as a spirit animal, it can also turn into a teacher providing guidance on swiftly finding your way around obstacles. If you follow the fox totem wisdom, you may be called to use or develop quick thinking and adaptability. Responsive, sometimes cunning, this power animal is a great guide when you are facing tricky situations.

When the fox appears in you life as spirit animal, it encourages action and quick, swift moves. You may be called to take action in a way that shows your adaptability and ability to move quickly through obstacles and resistance.

Being inspired by a fox totem, you can work at developing the sharpness of your mental skills: Analytical intelligence, power of deduction, observation can come into play more powerfully in how you deal with daily matters or bigger projects. The spirit of the fox may also imply that you are sharpening your physical alertness and responsiveness.

Fox Spirit Guides and Deception

The fox is known for sneaking into homes and getting away without being caught. Because of it’s characterised by its cunning ability, this animal has acquired the image of trickster in a number of cultures.

When the fox appears in your life, it may indicate that you need to pay attention to people or circumstances that may be deceiving or tricking you into going down a path that does not necessarily serves you. This spirit animal may call you to be more discerning in relationships, whether it’s in business or friendships, or in choices you make for yourself.

Following the fox totem wisdom, look for any area of your life where you may be cunningly led to do something else than you would in all reason do. Use discernment in your choices and actions.

Foxes and the Art of Invisibility

The coat of the fox serves as camouflage, and most fox coats have variations of colour within them. This facilitates their ability to stay camouflaged and remain relatively unseen. Practising and using camouflage is something everyone with a fox totem should learn to do. Working to blend in with the surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions is all part of what fox teaches.

Much of this is reflected in learning to control the aura, the energy field around your body. You can adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonise more with others. You can focus on changing its appearance so that you blend in. Practice by standing against a wall and see yourself (and your aura) becoming the colour of the wall, just as if you were fading into it.

The next time you go to a party, take a seat in a chair or on a couch and see yourself as a fox that blends in perfectly to its surroundings. Remember that a fox is most often ween when it is out in the open, so visualise yourself as taking on the colour and pattern of the chair. Then sit quietly and watch how many people, accidentally bump into you or even begin to sit on you because they did not “notice or see” you there. You will be amazed.

Practice seeing yourself as a fox when you enter or leave a party or gathering. See yourself as blending into the gathering, melting into it. Do not be surprised as the night goes on when people make such comments as, “When did you arrive?” “How long have you been here?” “I didn’t see you come in,” or “When did you leaved?” The more you work with fox, the easier this becomes.

The historical character of Merlin had to have used fox medicine and energy to accomplish much of what he did, but he practised it. Even during his life time Merlin was largely unknown to the greater public, except as “Merlin.” When he was summoned by kings or needed desperately to recruit other allies, he came silently, disguised as a poor shepherd, as a woodcutter or as a peasant. Even the sovereigns failed to recognise his in his various disguises. He practised concealment habitually and for a long period of time.

For those with fox totems, it will be important to learn this art of camouflage, and its related arts of invisibility and shapeshifting. The fox uses its ability at quiet camouflage to its benefit. With practice you can develop this same kind of ability and apply it so that you may see and hear things you otherwise could not.

About Fox Fur

Hair and fur are ancient symbols for energy and fertility, and layers of fur reflect levels of energy and levels of fertility. With the fox it is the undercoat which is the primal energy source from which an individual draws his or her abilities. The outer layer protects and defines how that energy is being used by the individual. As the outer hair changes so does the expression of the inner creative force.

Hair should become very important to an individual with a fox totem. If a change is needed on certain levels, learning to change the hair to reflect the change desired helps to activate fox energy so that shapeshifting can begin.

The overall thickness of the fur makes the fox look much larger than it really is. This is especially significant for those with fox totems. These individuals have the ability to make themselves appear larger than they actually are. Because of this, an individual schooled in working with this aspect of fox medicine can use it to his or her advantage, for personal protection or for making greater impressions in various areas of his or her life.

About Fox Tails

The brush or tail has always been considered the most sacred part of the fox, although this is not necessarily true. It does hold great significance for one with a fox totem. When it runs, the fox tail is always in a horizontal position out from the body. This acts as a rudder. This horizontal position is the feminine form.

Thus the fox tail is a symbol of directly guiding the feminine creative forces. It is especially beneficial to the fox when making abrupt and sharp turns. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be accomplished with ease.

The tail also serves as insulation from the cold for the nose and feet, as the fox wraps itself up in its tail. Individuals with fox totems have an ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem to be cold, especially in relationships. They can become warm and cosy in themselves.

About Fox Activities

Although a fox dislikes getting wet, it is an excellent swimmer. This is also very significant, for it says something about the innate character of those with a fox totem. They have learned to draw upon and express the feminine energies, the creative force, in the outer world. For them, there is no desire to go back into the waters of life (feminine), but they will do so if it is necessary.

The legs of the fox are adapted for running. There is a tremendous stamina to them, an ability they can bring to others. Their favourite gait is a trot, and it is believed that they can trot indefinitely without exhaustion or the appearance of such. Few animals of a similar size can outrun a fox. Learning to establish a trotting pace is essential to those with a fox totem for their overall health and success. The fox also runs in such a way that the tracks look like a single line of footprints. During the trot the feet are placed almost directly one in front of the other., This reflects a straight-forward expression of the feminine energy.

Fox walks and runs on its toes, something very catlike. This is also significant for the fox is part of the canine family (dog), but it embodies a feline characteristic. The feline is the feminine energy given greater expression and movement. This quality reflects a need to assert the feminine, creative energies.

The fox also has the ability to run up trees if it is necessary. This reflects an ability to move into new dimensions and call upon new resources instinctively. The grey fox particularly has the ability to climb a tree much like a cat would, by using the claws of its back feet to push it up.

About Fox Senses

The senses of the fox reveal much about the potential within those who have it as a totem. Its hearing is very acute. They are like mini-antennae. They can pick up the squeal of a mouse over a hundred and fifty yards away. Those with fox totems have an excellent ability to hear what is not being said, as well as any whispering that may be going on. This ability is also tied to clairaudience, the ability to hear spirit.

The fox also has excellent eyesight. In fact they have elliptical eyes, just like a cat. They are colour blind, but they have a great ability to see varying shades of lightness and darkness. This gives an individual the ability to size people up very accurately. They also have a great ability to see moving objects, especially at the edges or borders of areas. Because of this, it is not unusual for those with fox totems to develop the ability to see spirit; actually see those beings of the “Between Places,” the fairies and the elves. This will happen if fox has come to you.

By far its keenest sense is the sense of smell. It hunts as much or more by smell as by the other senses. The fox is fascinated by unusual odours, and those with fox totems respond strongly to smells, detecting subtle differences in odours. Smell is one of its forms of social communication – deciding who to socialise with. It would be beneficial for anyone with fox medicine to study aromatherapy.

Sexually, the sense of smell is one of their strongest stimulants, and it has a key impact on the degree and intensity of arousal for those with fox medicine. There is strong connection between fragrance and sexuality, and for those with fox medicine this is critical.

The sexual energy is our most creative energy; it is part of the kundalini energy force within the body. This force is critical in all activities. If controlled and channelled, it can be used for a variety of purposes – one of the most dynamic being for the art of shapeshifting. A fox entering one’s life as totem may reflect the awakening of the kundalini. Such an individual to whom fox comes often has a great capacity for sexual expression with an ability to practice it in rich and varied ways – often with little inhibition. This aspect may often be camouflaged until the right moment.

The sense of smell is also associated with higher forms of discrimination and discernment. One working with fox medicine should sniff out each situation. This will let them know who to avoid and who to connect with. Does this person smell right? Does something smell funny about this situation?

About The Fox Family

Most foxes have only one partner. They are very monogamous. They also live alone for about five months of the year. They are often solitary and comfortable with that state most of the time. The red fox vixens (females) search for a den usually only when they are pregnant. If possible they return to that same den year after year, adding to it and making it larger and more comfortable.

This same quality and love of the home is found in those with fox totems. Although foxes are territorial and travel within that territory, they do return to their home, their den. Those with fox medicine may find themselves as territorial in their activities, but also inclined to return to their home and improve it.

A litter of fox cubs usually numbers from one to six. They are blind and deaf when they are born, but they move from that extreme to one of great sight and great hearing as they get older. If the cub survives its first year it will usually live several more, establishing its own territory. This reflects that those with fox medicine may have their greatest tests in childhood, but also their greatest instinctual education in the art of survival.

The Vixen

The name for the female Fox is Vixen. For humans, a vixen has always had the reputation of being a dangerous femme fatale. Having the ability to lure in males and send them away just as quickly, without a second thought, or lure them into danger.

The reason for this association is that when the Vixen is ready to mate, she sends out a scent to lure her mate who is the same mate year after year. He then picks up her scent and faithfully returns to her.

After mating, however, the female sends her mate away again, to raise her young on her own. She will beckon him again to return only when her kit has grown and left her side, and she is ready to mate yet once again. She is so irresistible that he returns year after year.

The Vixen makes the rules of the relationship! The Vixen has a message for today’s women; know your worth, define your boundaries and the right man will find you irresistible!

About Foxes As Hunters

The fox is a survivor and a great hunter. In spite of encroachment on its territory and the history of being hunted it has been exposed to, it still manages to survive. Its instincts are great.

Foxes are dainty, graceful, and lightfooted in hunting. They actually hunt more like a cat, often leaping upon their prey and holding it with their front paws. The fox is crafty and patient, and it will lie in camouflage intensely studying its prey until just the right moment to attack.

Probably the fox’s cleverest hunting technique is “charming.” In this technique, the fox is seen near a prey, performing various antics. It will leap and jump and roll and chase itself, so that it charms the prey’s attention. While performing, the fox draws closer and closer without its prey realising, as it is caught up in its seemingly non-threatening antics. Then at the right moment, the fox leaps and captures its prey.

This is a camouflage technique, one associated with behaviour. It is one that those with fox totems can use to capture any prize. As you develop attunement to the fox and learn its magick, any prize can fall to you.

When You Dream of a Fox

When Fox appears in your dreams, it may be telling you that there is a circumstance which calls for you to be very clever at this time, to look for new ways of approaching a situation or challenge. What areas of your life could use this kind of help? Fox can show you new ideas and new ways of doing things, sit in silence and let the fox show you.

Fox could be showing up in your dreams to guide you to opportunity, an opportunity that could prove to feel serendipitous and lucky.

A female Fox is like Wonder Woman! She could be telling you that you are more independent and resourceful than you realise, and she can show you how to tap into this aspect of her super powers. She is also saying that charm goes a very very long way in getting things to go in the most favourable and “luckiest” of ways!

Foxes are also considered quite magickal in Japanese lore, so you may be dreaming of Fox because she wants to recommend adding some magick to what is needing your attention. Consider a ritual or crystals or anything that feels magickal to you.

Fox Folklore and Superstition

Country people have always admired foxes for their cleverness and courage even though they disliked them for their raids upon the poultry-yard. The folk tales of every country where they are found testify to this fact, from remote times down to our own. In some parts of Europe, a fox’s tongue was worn as an amulet to make the wearer bold; in others, the same effect was achieved by cooking and eating it.

The fox was one of several creatures into which it was once believed that witches could, and did, turn themselves at will. In England, the witch-animal was more usually a hare, but there are a number of fox stories also.

As late as the end of the 19th century, the people of Kirtlington, in Oxfordshire, spoke of a local woman who transformed herself thus. A fine fox was often seen near her house and was frequently hunted, though never with success. On one occasion, the hounds were so close behind it that escape seemed impossible, but the fox made a sudden turn and rushed into the witch’s house. When, a few seconds later, the huntsmen followed it, there was nothing to be seen but a woman sitting quietly by her fireside.

Certain families in Ireland were traditionally said to be descended from foxes, as others there, and in Scotland, were supposed to be descended from wolves or seals. Such fox-families were warned of a coming death by the appearance of many foxes around their house. It is perhaps because of this legend that in other parts of Britain a fox entering or coming close to a house is thought to be a death omen.

Welsh people think it lucky to meet a single fox, but unlucky to see several together. A Lincolnshire belief recorded in “Folk-Lore concerning Lincolnshire” (1908) is that if anyone is bitten by a fox, he is marked for death within seven years.

An old method of drawing out an obstinate thorn embedded in any part of the human body was to lay a fox’s tongue on it. This had to be done at night, just before going to bed. In the morning, the thorn would have come out, even though it had previously resisted every attempt to extract it by the use of poultices or other remedies.

A cure for whooping-cough was to put down a dish of milk where a fox could drink it, and then to let the patient drink what was left when the fox had finished.

In many parts of England, it is still firmly believed that foxes dispose of their fleas periodically by taking a piece of sheep’s wool in their mouths and wading with it into a pond or stream until only their noses are above water. The fleas, to escape drowning, take refuge in the wool, and the fox then lets it fall into the water, thus ridding himself of these pests.

This curious piece of natural history is found in numerous districts, and many countrymen assert that it is quite true. In Oxfordshire recently, one man said that, because there are no sheep in this part of the country, the local foxes use bunches of dry grass instead of wool. He had, he said, “seen ’em at it, scores of times.” What exactly he, and other eye-witnesses have seen is not clear, but faith in this vulpine maneuver is still very common.

Sources:

Spirit Animal

Animal Speak

Element Encyclopedia of Secret Signs and Symbols

The Encyclopedia of Superstitions

What’s Your Sign

The Universe of Symbolism

Crone’s Book of Magical Words

https://shirleytwofeathers.com/The_Blog/powers-that-be/category/animal-guides-and-totems/page/2/

[kekkaishifanfictionsideblog]

Who Knows (A Kekkaishi Fanfiction): Chapter 25

“So Lissette, what did Gen want yesterday?” 

Lissette nearly dropped her lunch, Ayano’s question having caught her off guard.

“…Nothing important, just a chat.”

“Do you guys know each other or something?  I’ve never seen you two interact before.” Kyoko inquired as they all sat down and opened their bentos.

“Oh, you didn’t see them on her first day?  She grabbed him and dragged him off somewhere in front of that big crowd of guys in front of our classroom.” Ayano informed her.

“Seriously?  I knew you were pretty bold Lissette, but that seems a bit extreme for you.”

“It’s not like that.” Lissette informed them, having regained her composure “He’s…an old friend.”

“So, you knew him before you moved here?” Yuri asked.

“Yeah, we lived in the same building for a few years.  Had the same martial arts trainer too.” None of it was a lie.  They’d been just a few doors away from each other back when she was in the Night Troops, and they had indeed learned some martial arts with Atora.  This was a topic she’d been somewhat prepared for, regardless of its awkward introduction.

“You guys must have been pretty close for you to feel comfortable dragging him around like that.”

“I just didn’t expect to see him here.  I mean, what are the odds right?” She replied before taking a bite of her lunch.

“So, you don’t have a crush on him?”  Lissette nearly choked on her omelet, coughing a little before giving Ayano an incredulous look.

“Where the hell did you get that idea?” She managed, silently praying that no one had seen the previous day’s incident.

“Well, there is a rumor going around that someone saw you two kissing yesterday.” Kyoko informed her “Right after what apparently sounded like an argument.”

‘…Damn Tree Dweller better hope I don’t find her.’ She thought, remembering the girl who had been the cause of the accidental lip contact.

“You didn’t really kiss him, did you?” Yuri asked, looking genuinely terrified.

“Of course not!  Someone bumped into him and it pushed him into me is all.”

“Well, that’s half the rumor debunked at least.” Kyoko joked.

“Hey, you remember that thing Aoi came up with this morning when we heard about it?” Ayano asked her with a slight chuckle.

“…What thing?”

“Okay, you know how she thinks Gen is some kind of ninja, right?”

“Yeah,” Lissette answered, remember that particular conversation from her first week attending the school “What about it?”

“Apparently, she has decided that you must be a Kunoich who was promised as his bride from birth.”

“…Points for creatively fitting me into her little fantasy world, but that is most definitely not the case.”

“Yeah, we kind of figured.” Kyoko assured her.

“Speaking of Aoi, where is she?” Lissette asked, doing her best to not sound desperate for a change of topic.  She hadn’t seen any trace of their adorable friend all day, so it was a legitimate question.

“She said she had a drawing to finish and was going to eat in her classroom.” Yuri answered, seeming quite eager for a subject change herself.

“Something for art class, or just something she’s doing for fun?”

“She didn’t say.”

“Oh hey, speaking of class, can I borrow someone’s history notes from Wednesday?  I think I might have missed something in mine.” Ayano requested, causing a wave of relief to wash over Lissette.  The conversation continued without further issue until lunch ended, but she only half paid attention, her mind being stuck on the incident once again.  She hadn’t really spoken to him much since and who could blame her?  It was an awkward situation no matter how you looked at it, and neither one of them was very good at dealing with those.  Besides, it wasn’t like he was trying too hard to talk about what happened.  It was just easier to not bring it up and try to forget that it happened.

It shouldn’t have even been that big of a deal considering it was an accident.  So why the hell was it this hard to get past it?  Could the girls have been on to something with the whole crush idea?

‘No way,’ She thought, taking her seat in the classroom ‘I got over that after I met…’  The teacher called the class to attention, giving her a merciful distraction from her thoughts.  No matter what the case, the situation would have to wait.  She had bigger fish to fry.

XXXXXXXXXX

Gen was facing away from the ladder when Yoshimori made it to the rooftop during lunch.  He’d been doing almost nothing but meditation whenever he was at his apartment these days, and he still felt like he’d had his mind thrown into a blender.  Between the fact that Atora was next door now and the awkward tension that had been hovering between him and Lissette, it was a damn good thing that nights at Karasumori had been slow this week.

“Hey,” He managed a glance over at the other boy as he situated himself on the other half of the roof “Did you guys have a fight or something?”

“…What are you talking about?”

“You and Lissette.  You’ve been acting really weird lately.  Did you have a fight?”

“What’s it matter?” Gen replied, surprised that he hadn’t said anything sooner.  Normally he couldn’t keep the guy out of his business, but he’d been oddly quite about the issue until now despite it being painfully obvious that something was up.

“It’s about her plan to go after her sister, isn’t it?”

“Why would I care what she does?  She can handle herself.”

“Because she’s someone you care about and she might get hurt.”

Gen was silent for a moment, the words feeling like he’d just been slapped.  He knew it was true, but it felt weird hearing it said out loud.  Even if it wasn’t the main reason things had been tense lately, he still was none too happy about the conversation leading up to the…accident.

“You should just talk to her.  Maybe you could convince her to find another way.” The other boy suggested.

“…I already tried that.”

“Wait, really?”

“It didn’t go well.”

“Is that why you guys aren’t talking then?”

“…Sort of.”

“Sort of?  What else happened?”

“Nothing.  Shut up and let me sleep.”

“Alright, jeez, no need to bite my head off,” Yoshimori relented, finally lying down himself, allowing Gen to enjoy at east a few minutes of blissful silence “Did you know that there’s a rumor going around that you guys kissed?”

“What are you talking about?” Gen asked, hoping he’d heard wrong.

“There’s a rumor going around that some girl saw you guys kissing behind the school yesterday.  You didn’t know?

Gen went silent, mentally cursing whoever it was that had knocked him over.

“…Did you guys kiss?”

“No!” He shot upright, ignoring the fact that his face probably looked like a tomato “Somebody fell out of the damn tree and knocked me into her!”

“Sure they did, Mr. ‘Girls are all annoying anyways’.” Yoshimori snickered, making it obvious that he didn’t believe him.

“…I’m starting to think YOU’RE the annoying one.”

“Well that’s not nice.  Your new girlfriend probably wouldn’t like that.”

“She’s not my girlfriend dammit!  It was an accident!” Gen defended.  He narrowed his eyes at the other boy, who was about five seconds away from full on laughing at him. “Besides, I’m pretty sure she’d agree with me.”

With that the near laughter turned to grumbling, and Yoshimori soon went quiet, allowing Gen a moment to debate whether or not going back to class would be better than staying in his current spot.

“Well, if you guys aren’t dating, that’s too bad.  You two seem like you’d be good together.” Yoshimori concluded.  Gen just sighed and went back to his original position.

“Shut up”

[frost-pink]

Make My Wish Come True

(working on this list of prompts for the advent - Read it on AO3!!!!!)

It was the beginning of December and Christmas markets had been set up and running for a week now, selling kitsch and mulled wine all over the city. It had even already snowed, but all that was left of it around the mansion was ice, and what resembled clumpy white cement. In London the snow had quickly turned into slush, and then melted away, the constant traffic a strong opponent against the picture of a snow-covered city landscape.

But for the Kingsman this time of year also meant that Eggsy would soon send them his Christmas playlist.

It started with Roxy borrowing his iPod one day to go down to the gym, hers having been confiscated by R&D after a mission, as it doubled as a listening device. Scrolling through his music, she noticed at least 120 different playlists, all named and sorted by different themes. There was Daisy’s favourite lullabies, Parkour 1 through 16, Winding Down, and even Salsa for Cooking.

He created a playlist at least once a month, always under a different motto and sometimes on request. What started out as him sharing his favourites with Roxy, turned into a Kingsman wide phenomenon and soon the entire staff started following him on Spotify, his new releases highly anticipated.

Roxy was a big fan of the Outside Running playlist and Meditation after 4pm tracks could be heard regularly when one walked into Percival’s office. There were even bets going around as to what theme he would cover or whose request for a playlist would be catered to next. Such bets were currently rather limited, as everybody agreed that Christmas was really the only viable choice for this month’s upcoming playlist.

------

Harry Hart was by no means a religious man. He couldn’t even remember the last time he attended a service in a church. And now, after Kentucky, he doubted he would ever voluntarily enter one again. Luckily, as he was now Arthur, and only rarely went out into the field, he got to choose where he went himself.

Still, some traditions he would uphold. Decorations and a tree for Christmas being one of them. Not because of any spiritual connotations they supposedly had, but just to remember the holidays he spent with his family as a child, when he viewed the world with innocent eyes and believed in wonders and miracles. Having lived life as a Kingsman he knew how precious such a view of the world was. Having a tree and a wreath reminded him of what it was that he was protecting.

If anyone should ever ask, this is the reason he’d give them. The fact of the matter was, that Harry Hart liked pretty things, and if they sparkled, then all the better.

It was now around 4pm on the first Sunday of Advent and as it was starting to get dark outside, he grabbed a box of matches and lit the first candle of the advent wreath, the candles all crimson this year instead of the traditional purple and pink.

When he sat back down he saw a notification blinking on his computer - Eggsy’s new playlist had finally arrived. He clicked the link and was redirected to Eggsy’s profile on Spotify. It looked different than before but Harry attributed that to the change in season and didn’t spare it any more thoughts. He clicked Play, without checking the list of songs. He preferred to be surprised by Eggsy’s creation, waiting to see if he would get more traditional carols, newer interpretations of classic songs, or a mix of the two. The first notes already clued him in as to what song was the first on the list. All I Want For Christmas Is You was a classic song of the season, at this point, and it held a special place in Harry’s heart, as it came out the same year that Harry was appointed as Galahad to the table.

As it played, Harry continued to go over his paperwork. The song ended. Only to begin again. Harry thought it was odd, but maybe Eggsy had accidentally selected the song to be in his playlist twice. A minor oversight.

He became confused, when, after the second time the song ended, it didn’t change to a different piece of music, but repeated once more.

He checked to see the entire list of songs, only to find it was almost exclusively Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You with one It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones thrown in as track eight, before it showed another thirteen plays of All I Want For Christmas Is You.

This had to be highly irregular. Who would ever intentionally select the same piece of music this many times in a row? But then Eggsy was a trained spy, attention to detail not so much a habit as second nature to him. Maybe he was playing a prank on the staff with this playlist?

Harry decided to go down to the break room and make himself some tea, the issue of the playlist preoccupying his mind much more than it should. He just couldn’t make sense of it. Why that song in particular?

“Good afternoon, sir.” Roxanne appeared next to him, reaching for a plate and stacking a pile of brownies on it. Gawain’s wife ran a bakery in Chelsea and her brownies were loved by all. Grabbing as many as you could without seeming greedy before they were all gone was the general approach among the knights.

Harry, in his confused state, hadn’t even noticed the tray. “Good afternoon, Roxanne. Stocking up on baked goods for your upcoming mission, I see.”

“I accidentally broke R&D’s prototype for a hair-clasp containing sleeping gas, so I intend to bribe them with the brownies before I’m off. At least the flight to Baku is long enough to get through Eggsy’s new playlist. It has all my favourites on it.” She smiled at Harry, then checked her watch. “I have to get going, if I intend to make it down to Merlin’s lair before my flight. Have a good day, sir!”

“Good luck, Lancelot.” Harry watched Roxy leave with more than half the chocolate bakes, staring after her bemusedly. ‘All of her favourites’ when there were only two songs, and one of them wasn’t even Christmas themed?

Harry finished preparing his tea and made his way back to his office.

“Ah, Harry, I was just coming to see you.” Harry turned to see Merlin come down the corridor to meet him. “There’s a situation in Oslo that you should be aware of, it might be necessary to send someone to make sure it doesn’t escalate into another Valentine-esque fiasco.”

“Of course, let’s go to my office.” Harry and Merlin continued down the corridor, Merlin starting to explain what exactly was happening, or at least appearing to happen, in Norway. Harry was listening, but in the back of his mind he was still thinking about that stupid playlist. How could it possibly take up so many of his thoughts, it was only a list of songs!

“Harry?” Of course Merlin noticed his lack of attention and called him out on it. “Did you hear anything I just said to you?”

“Yes, yes, Scandinavian maniac trying to send subliminal messages through twitter, I heard you.”

“Right.” Merlin didn’t appear to be entirely convinced. After all, 25 years of friendship meant that the two men knew each other as well as two people possibly could. “Is there something on your mind?”

“It’s nothing, really. Have you taken a look at Eggsy’s new playlist for Christmas?”

Merlin obviously hadn’t expected this line of inquiry. “Aye, the lads down at R&D put it on the speakers, why?”

“What is the first song on it?”

“Some carol, O Holy Night, I think.”

“So not the Mariah Carey song?”

“I expect it to be in there somewhere. Harry, are you alright?” Merlin had stopped walking and with a hand to Harry’s arm, stopped the other man. He was starting to get concerned. Harry experienced regular migraines and Merlin was still monitoring him closely. While it was a miracle in and of itself, that Harry survived getting shot in the head with as little lasting damage as he had, he wasn’t willing to take any chances on their Arthur’s health.

“I’m fine, Merlin. Hand me the dossier and I’ll look it over now. Whom did you intend to send? Is Bedivere back from Italy yet?”

Merlin handed over the file he was carrying. “Bedivere’s mission is still ongoing, Percival and Tristan could be dispatched.”

“Alright, talk to them and then decide who’s going. Let’s all meet in my office in two hours. Anything else?” Harry’s tone of voice made it clear that he was done talking about anything not work-related.

“No, sir. I’ll be by your office at 6.30.” With that, Merlin walked back down the way they had just come and pressed the button to call the lift.

------

It was 9pm, Tristan preparing for his new mission, and most of the support staff had gone home. Harry was still in his office, handling paperwork. He was glad that he could still be involved in the proceedings of Kingsman, after months of physical therapy and regular sessions with a psychotherapist. Many would have retired after experiencing what he had, but Kingsman was his life and even obscene amounts of paperwork were better than spending too much time in an empty house, just in the company of his butterflies and Mr. Pickle.

A knock on the door interrupted whatever Harry had been thinking about R&D’s new lab equipment. He knew that Merlin only sent him the requisition forms pro forma and therefore wasn’t too invested in the details. Better to let Merlin have free reign regarding his department. “Come in.”

The door opened and Eggsy walked in with a tray, carrying a tea set and a plate full of brownies. “Evening, Harry. Thought I might still find you here.” He placed the tray on Harry’s desk, made himself a cup and then sat down in one of the chairs next to the window.

“Thank you, Eggsy. I see you’re still sitting down in other people’s chairs without prompting.” The words were more teasing than chiding, Harry knowing perfectly well that Eggsy knew how to portray the perfect gentleman when he felt it as needed.

“Baby-steps, Harry. I knocked. You want both, you’re just greedy.” Eggsy’s smile still took Harry’s breath away.

After he’d come back to England he was more than glad to see that Eggsy had survived what was now known as V-Day. The fact that his protégé stopped the world from destroying itself filled him with immense pride. It was a fairly emotional reunion, both apologising for the words they had said before Harry left for Kentucky.

Looking over at where Eggsy was sitting and nibbling on a brownie, he thought to have caught a wistful look on the younger man’s face.

“Is everything alright?” The only answer he got was some mumbling around a mouthful of chocolate, before Eggsy looked out of the window. In the dark he would only see his reflection, but Harry didn’t draw attention to that fact. Trying to change to subject he asked, “Shouldn’t you be in Stockholm?”

“There’s nothing for me in Stockholm.” Eggsy placed his cup on a nearby table.

Harry was confused. He knew that the Swedish Royal family had planned a party for this weekend, Eggsy telling him about it the week before. “I thought…”

“Tilde and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.” Eggsy interrupted him.

This surprised Harry. “I’m sorry to hear that. She seemed to be a lovely woman.”

“She is. But there’s no point in us being together when I can’t give her what she deserves. Not fair to her, when I’m in love with someone else. Doesn’t portray the idea of a gentleman, does it? So no. There’s nothing for me in Stockholm. Not when you are right here.”

Harry didn’t know what to say. He knew what he wanted those words to mean, but he wouldn’t dare to dream. He preferred to be ignorant of the possibilities rather than to get his hopes up and be disappointed.

“Harry, didn’t you listen to the playlist I sent you?” Eggsy stood up and crossed the office and around the desk, stopping right in front of Harry. He almost sounded sad at the idea.

“It’s playing right now, Eggsy.” It was the playlist that everyone else got. As it turned out, the link he had been sent was to a different profile Eggsy had created, only containing the one playlist full of Mariah Carey. Harry had spent quite some time over-analysing the meaning behind this, before deciding for himself, that it was just a prank on Eggsy’s part.

“That’s the regular one, yes. Didn’t you get the one I sent you directly?”

“I did. Although I wasn’t sure what to make of it. It seems you sent me a different one compared to everyone else.” Harry was making himself busy looking at anything other than Eggsy.

“You didn’t know what to make of a custom playlist made up of 20 tracks of All I Want For Christmas Is You? Didn’t you hear what I just said? Why Tilde and I broke it off? She knew. She knew before even I did. Didn’t want to admit to it. How could I ever be good enough for you?”

Harry whipped his head around to look at Eggsy. “Don’t! Don’t ever think so little of you! You are…” Eggsy’s words had finally caught up with Harry. The need to reprimand Eggsy for disparaging himself like this evaporating as he saw the look in Eggsy’s eyes. There was so much hope and love there, the picture matching the one Harry had often thought about and dreamed of when no-one else could see.

He could have this. They could have this.

There was a lot riding on this moment. Their entire future relationship would be decided on whatever happened in the next minute.

“What about the Tom Jones song?” Harry wasn’t entirely sure he meant to say that.

Eggsy smirked for a moment. “Inside Joke. I’ll explain it later.” He lifted his hand to Harry’s cheek, stroking his thumb just underneath the eye-patch. “Harry.” His voice almost sounded as if he was in pain. “Please?”

Harry didn’t dare breathe. This was a moment to be preserved for the ages.

“I…” He didn’t know what to say. There were no words good enough to articulate how he felt in that moment. All he could do was give a subtle nod, barely even visible.

But Eggsy had been waiting for it. For any kind of sign that he wasn’t alone in this. That Harry reciprocated his feelings. He moved his other hand to rest on Harry’s neck, leaned down and moved closer towards him until they were barely a breath away, lips almost touching. “May I?”

“Yes.” Harry replied and closed the distance.

What started as a soft press of lips soon turned into a passionate kiss, tongues fighting for dominance, hands gripping at hips and ruffling hair. When they broke away from the kiss, they kept close, both breathing heavily.

“That was better than I ever thought it would be.” Eggsy smiled and pressed another kiss to the corner of Harry’s mouth.

“Indeed it was. You taste of chocolate.”

Eggsy started laughing at the statement, Harry soon joining in. Their eyes met and they could read their own happiness in each other’s faces.

Eggsy leaned in again, stopping just a hair’s breath away, like he had before. “May I?”

“Always.”

[cur10uscr0w]

@bace-jeleren

Whoops, I accidentally wrote a little one shot for this ^^;

[ Archive of our Own • Commissions • Art ]

”I just don’t know how to live here… In the tenth…” Nissa was nervous. Speaking about something that was personal and uncomfortable felt unnatural. She forced down a sip of tea to take her mind off of what she was doing.

Regardless her feelings of Liliana, the advice the older planeswalker had dispensed was proving to be invaluable. It was hard, but she forced herself to talk about things she felt inclined to bottle up with people she trusted. Emmara had become one of those people.

They’d met on a chance encounter when Nissa had been searching for nature desperately in Ravnica’s cold cityscape. She’d happened upon a Grove of the Conclave, where a certain elf had been devoutly tending to the Garden of Life. That sat in that very grove now, and Nissa felt the need to push herself to grow much like the plants around her. She more confidently stated,“ I can’t understand life here, how others live.”

“There’s more to life than just living,” Emmara responded sagely.

Nissa gave Emmara a puzzled look and pulled away slightly. That she was pulling away at all was odd. She had become so close Emmara in such a short time, she found herself able to curl up beside her, in the midst of elementals they called to tidy the grove. The closeness was strange—but it also reminded her of Ashaya.

Emmara too was wise and silently powerful. Her shoulders often squared with pride, not aggression, and yet Nissa could see the strength the waif form held. When she spoke, Nissa could hear the wisdom her words held and the experience they were burdened with and exalted by.

“You need to find what gives your life meaning. For me, it’s order. By growing the plants I look after in a row, I provide each one equal nutrients and care. Order brings peace to the living.”

Nissa listened to all Emmara had to say before considering her own response. She mulled over for the perfect words, which usually caused her anxiety since people tended to get impatient with her. Emmara didn’t though, she was happy to wait and hear Nissa’s completed thought. Maybe it was an elf thing; she hung out with mostly humans these days.

“Sometimes I can’t see the order around me—it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t understand. I want to… To understand, that is. Perhaps if I did, I could be comfortable even when I’m not the same. I wouldn’t be afraid if I understood.”

Emmara nodded then said softly,“ Order acknowledges that we’re all the same, but that personal experiences are unique. All life should be cherished, even if we could not live as another does. I think you understand more than you believe you do.”

“There was a time I definitely did not,” Nissa said, a bit of regret curling her lips. She pressed back against Emmara once more and took a sip of her tea. She was embarrassed admitting it, her cheeks and ears burning slightly, but she pulled through and said,“ I think I was very close minded. Even before… I traveled alone for a very long time… I kept to myself. I listened to what my people told me to believe, and felt shame for being different, thought less of people who were even more different than myself.

"It wasn’t until great strife afflicted us all that I began to realize I’m not so different from humans, merfolk, ko—” Nissa’s tongue tripped as her brain frantically began to search for another race Zendikar and Ravnica shared. “Krokt-damned vampires even.”

Nissa’s mouth was certainly never as foul as Chandra’s and she didn’t like to take names in vain, but she was pretty sure she’d heard Jace and Gideon throw that name around and it covered her slip up.

She bit her lip as she played back her words to herself. She was grateful Emmara gave her the time to do this, to figure out what she liked and didn’t like about how she spoke and presented herself. Having time to analyze what she said helped her reflect on how she could improve in the future. Talking this much made her throat sore as it was, thus the tea Emmara always offered.

“Still, I am judgemental,” she lamented.

“Breaking habits comes with time,” Emmara said with a small smile. “It’s a daily struggle, in fact. And it will be for life.”

“I’m starting to see that,” Nissa sighed, her ear drooping slightly.

“But I think you’re on a beautiful journey. One of self discovery. Follow it, let it take you new places.”

Nissa regarded Emmara ruefully, thinking wryly if only Emmara knew Nissa’s secret and how right she was. Nissa had been to new places already on this journey, and she was sure she would be going new places very soon again. It pulled at her heart oddly as she thought how Emmara was another she would have to leave behind as she lived her life. Like Ashaya, who could not be replaced by the elementals she rose here.

“Thank you, Emmara. These chats… they help me find peace, discover…” Nissa shook her head, feeling silly. She wasn’t sure if ‘chats’ was the right word—it felt more important than that, but Chandra had jokingly told Nissa her use of the word 'dialogues’ was too… stiff… the other day, and Nissa didn’t want to come off as distant to Emmara—and she couldn’t find a way to properly convey, you help me discover how I feel, how I want to feel, and how to find the balance in between.

“I’m glad you discovered this grove,” Emmara said graciously, covering Nissa’s awkward trailing off that only made the planeswalker more nervous as the awkward silence threatened to spread.

“M-me too,” Nissa said, in a rare moment of speaking faster than she could think and tripping over her words.

“And I am glad anytime you come to talk with me.” Emmara suddenly seemed a little more demure than she had so far into the evening. “When you’re not here, I think of you. I really enjoy your company, especially on quiet nights like these. Whether we talk or merely meditate… I want you to know it helps me find peace as well.”

Emmara spoke clearly for Nissa’s benefit, striving not to beat around the bush and cause confusion. She also spoke for her own benefit though. The thought that Nissa may come around more often excited her, made her feel a sense of stability and warmth she missed.

She still grieved Calomir’s death, as she could only assume she always would, and once she would have been able to rely on her friend, Jace, for support, but he had become distant. She saw him at Guildmeets, but it was on official business only. Emmara was so lonely these days, and after how she was abandoned by her guild during the Implicit maze, it was hard to rely on them for support.

Nissa stared into Emmara’s milky eyes, deciphering the expression of pain that slowly took residence. “You… are as lonely as I am,” Nissa concluded, frowning as Emmara nodded as confirmation. Handing off her her cup of tea to a nearby vine, Nissa hesitantly placed a hand on Emmara’s knee like she’d seen the others in the Gatewatch reassuringly grab each other’s shoulders and hands.

“You needn’t be any longer,” Nissa boldly decided, then continued,“ I may have to leave for my work occasionally, but I will always come back, if you would have me.”

Emmara’s gaze dropped to the hand on her knee as she readjusted her grip on her tea. Her own hand, warm from gripping the mug of tea, gently alighted on Nissa’s. Squeezing softly, Emmara earnestly said,“ You’re always welcome here. I would like that very much.”

[artsoccupychi]

I Went Fasting Without Food for 40 Days | Here’s What I Learned

I’m completely fascinated by the process and benefits of fasting without food. I’m talking about “eating absolutely nothing for a long period of time.” (With water, it’s called “water fasting,” or without water, it’s called “dry fasting.”) And, I’ve always felt that when Christians, Muslims, and Jews quit fasting routinely, we lost something important. After all, some sects in those religious traditions used to fast, at length, for weeks at a time.

Fasting Without Food | Beneficial Things I Discovered

In this article:

Fasting-Mimicking Detox

Why I Didn’t Do My Water Fasting at Home

What It’s Like to Fast at Siddhayatan

Should You Try Water Fasting?

What Are the Side Effects of Fasting Without Food?

What Does Research Show the Benefits of Fasting Are?

Is Fasting Without Food Good for Weight Loss?

How Can I Get the Benefits of Fasting Without Actually Fasting?

Who Shouldn’t Fast?

What I Learned From Fasting Without Food

  Fasting-Mimicking Detox

Now, my research into fasting—including doing it myself 4 times in the past 2 years (for 12 days, 9 days, and 7 days twice, and some shorter fasts in between)—has less to do with spiritual fasting or purification and more to do with the health benefits. I developed what qualifies as a fasting-mimicking detox, five years ago, which 13,000 people have now done. (By “fasting mimicking,” I mean you can eat three times a day, but food is completely prescribed to achieve similar benefits to fasting.) And, I do not honestly believe that most people can or will do what I just did. (Go completely without food for a week or more.)

In fact, I’m not sure they even should. More on that later.

Let’s talk about what crazy, slightly disgusting and simultaneously amazing things happen in the human body when you fast for a long period of time, why I keep doing this, what I get from it, and why you might want to consider doing it.  

Why I Didn’t Do My Water Fasting at Home

I have very little self-discipline. I’m not a biohacker, constantly using technology on myself, to experiment. I’ve never run a race longer than a 10k and don’t plan to. And, I don’t have any self-denial fetishes. I don’t just do every hard thing, because it’s a challenge.

Besides being raised Mormon, where we fasted Saturday night to Sunday night one Sunday every month from the age of 8, I have absolutely no reason why fasting for 40 days would be easy for me.

I’m one of those people who, if something hurts, or I’m hungry, everybody around me is gonna know about it.

In fact, I knew I couldn’t do it at home.

I would start with the best of intentions, I’m sure. I might even last a whole day. But, the fridge would be right there 100 steps away. My car would be in the garage. I live just 10 minutes away from food, really good food.

No, wait, it’s worse than that. There’s a Thai restaurant literally 3 minutes away from my house.

My willpower is nothing when I get ferociously hungry. I’m a vegetarian, and very frankly, I’d eat a t-bone cooked rare if I got hungry enough – maybe even a hot dog. (I suffered actual pain writing that.) So, I flew to a spiritual retreat in Texas run by Hindu monks and nuns to fast. It’s called Siddhayatan.  

What It’s Like to Fast at Siddhayatan

Siddhayatan is in Nowhere, Texas. Truly, it is miles from anything, and you cannot use your Uber or Lyft app from there to sneak out and get food in a moment of weakness.

It’s insanely cheap, maybe the cost of a Motel 6.

It makes sense, considering they’re feeding you nothing, and you might be sharing a bathroom, or staying in a room with no drywall, and only a naked lightbulb is your form of light.

I could go to True North in California where they’ll “medically supervise” me, and the lodgings are really nice.

But heck, while I’m facing all my addictions, might as well face my addiction to upper-middle-class luxuries.

I take a sliver of soap and a towel. (Correct, the Hindu ashram does not provide a towel or washcloths.)

I take a $100 Uber from the airport, where you can actually get a ride. You can Uber to the ashram, but not back to the airport.

Later, I’ll have a private car company drive me back. But, you can’t just call them when you’re freaking out and wanting food. You can schedule them to pick you up tomorrow.

So, this saves me from my freakouts. I mean, freakouts are by definition short-term.

You see how it’s the perfect place for water fasting for 40 days? Temptation is completely removed.

Also, you “can” have a meal there if you find you aren’t doing well in fasting without food.

You would have to be in a serious crisis to just drop in for lunch, though. First of all, that would be embarrassing.

You’re supposed to give them a heads up because this is the most frugal place you’ve ever been.

The monks and nuns (dressed all in white) make a homemade vegetarian Hindu meal three meals a day, but they make just enough for the exact number of people they have there doing the yoga, meditation, silent, and spiritual retreats.

(You, the water faster? No soup for you. They didn’t plan on you crashing the meal.)

So, besides being embarrassing to fail to ask well in advance if you can eat a meal with everybody else, you might actually be causing everyone they did plan for to not get enough to eat if you just crashed a meal.

I know, it’s really Dickensian.

So, my point is, your food cravings are not easily indulged at this place. And for me, that’s half the battle.

There are the actual hunger strike and physical weakness itself—sometimes even symptoms from long-term fasting without food (I’ll get to that)—but the constant temptations you’d have at home are removed.

I know a guy at home who recently fasted for 23 days. He went out to lunch and coffee with people, the whole time, and just abstained.

I guess some people are motivated or more self-disciplined than I am.

I almost lost my mind watching Netflix on my laptop during my last fasting.

(Do you know how much food they show, on most movies and TV shows? No, you don’t. You notice this kind of thing only when you’re fasting.)

So, some people might have an iron will and be able to fast at home, but I am not one of them.

The total isolation at Siddhayatan is hard (I like being around people!), but it’s also helpful.  

Should You Try Water Fasting?

Now, if you’re thinking about this for yourself, there are a few caveats.

One, there is no medical supervision here. No nurses or doctors. They have people fasting here all the time, without serious incident, but people have actually died from prolonged fasting before, or so I’ve heard.

I mean, the odds of you dying from fasting are probably about as high as you dying from taking most over-the-counter medications or driving in a car.

That is pretty low.

But, when I interviewed Valter Longo, Ph.D., a fasting and longevity expert and author of The Longevity Diet, he did cite two deaths he knows of from people fasting for a length of time, one of them with diabetes and one with multiple sclerosis.

While Longo recites the many incredible health benefits of fasting, including rebuilding myelin sheath and regenerating insulin-producing capacity of the pancreas—long-term benefits, not just short-term, after the fast—I imagine he doesn’t want the liability of people at risk fasting for long periods of time, due to his recommendations.

Frankly, neither do I, in an age of litigiousness.

This seems ridiculous, given that millions of people have fasted, accidentally due to lack of food, or on purpose, for literal millennia. But, here we are in 2018 where most Americans have never gone a whole day without food, and some tell me they’ve never even skipped a meal. I think we’re more in need of fasting than any culture in the history of mankind.

So, here’s my onerous disclaimer: if you undergo a water-only fast or dry fast longer than a day, don’t say that I told you to do it. Please do it under the supervision of a trusted functional medicine practitioner.

This blog post is about my experience, is not medical advice, and does not substitute for competent medical care.  

What Are the Side Effects of Fasting Without Food?

Hunger and Energy Fluctuations

It goes without saying that you’re really insanely hungry the first few days. Then, your body and mind settle in.

Some people describe having lots of energy. Most don’t! Generally, the longer you fast, the more your cravings for food subside, but so does your energy.

Your spirit will stay higher if you’re “doing the mental work” of challenging yourself with the task of confronting your addictions, congratulating yourself on your progress each day (or hour), reminding yourself of the health benefits, and staying positive.

If you’re smart, you don’t take a laptop with a huge writing project and deadline, like I do. (Every single time, a single mom’s gotta work!)

If you can afford the time off from life, you can just lie in bed and take short walks now and then, but not do much of anything unless you feel like it.

That said, you know yourself, and some of us do better when we’re as productive as energy allows.

I think fasting without food would actually be harder for me if I were like everyone else at the Siddhayatan retreat and didn’t work at all.

On about day 4, I start to have periods of not feeling hunger. One of the nuns told me that this is my body and mind “accepting” the fast.

Muscle, Tissue, Organ, and Fat Cleanup

But, I also, in each of my last 3 fasts, start to have lower back pain on day 4. Since I never experience this at home, I researched it, and I believe it is—don’t be scared now because this is going to sound scary—my kidneys backlogged with broken-down muscle tissue, possibly compounded by over-drinking water (which is easy to do when that’s all you can have).

Yeah, your muscle breaks down a little bit. This may sound like a bad thing.

But, if you’re a weightlifter and your trainer has you believing that all your nutrition habits should be geared to just one thing—preserving and building muscle mass—let me share a revolutionary concept, well, two of them.

One is every time you lift weights, you’re tearing down muscle fiber. And, as it builds, that’s how your muscles grow.

And two, your muscle needs cleanup, just like your organs, joints, or even every cell! If a tiny amount of your muscle breaks down, it was the body tearing out the parts that needed rebuilding anyway.

Don’t overattach, as the Hindu monks would tell you.

Remember, the fasting process doesn’t want to break down a healthy muscle. It’s strong, and it is serving you well.

As you deprive your body of food, it’s nasties like bacteria, cancer, and yeast that are gobbled up like crazy, and belly fat!

Fasting Without Food Is Different For Everyone

My friend Katie Wells, who has one of the most popular wellness blogs online, “The Wellness Mama,” recently water fasted for 2 weeks and found that after the first three days of weakness and hunger, she was insanely productive.

She cooked for her family of six children and just went abstaining from food.

As I mentioned before, if I was at home cooking for my own children, I lack confidence that I wouldn’t cave and throw in the towel, after a day or two, promising myself, “I’ll start again tomorrow.”

Total isolation and removal from food temptation, like I get at the Texas ashram, is very beneficial to me (also a little lonely).

Fasting without food gets you “up close and personal” with all your addictions. You know how you need a coffee to wake you up? (Or, in my case, you like it as a pick-me-up while you’re working, in the afternoon.)

Well, you can’t have one. You can’t have a glass of wine (or three) on Saturday night, you can’t snack, and you can’t even have a cup of tea.

And, this becomes an interesting deep dive into your soul, where you learn how addicted to stimulation, in general, you are.

What will you do with that knowledge? I think even the awareness is helpful towards managing addictions and moving through them to a healthier place.

I think that if you can soldier on and do your work and tend to your family, the time will pass more quickly than if you do what I do:

Sit around in bed, mostly, working on your laptop and watching movies. P.S. Try not to watch movies about food.

When I was hitting a wall, in my most recent 7-day fast, on day 3, the nuns told me about some of their other water fasters.

The longest? An older man fasted for 40 days without food. Pretty Biblical, right? They said he would pretty much lay in bed the whole time and was very, very weak.

But, the woman who stayed in my room before me had come for a 30-day fast, brought her dog, and planned to confront her emotional eating problem.

She ended up extending two more days. (Wow.)

Another woman came for three weeks and walked 10 miles a day.

Like I said, fasting is different for everyone. In fact, while each of my long fasts has had similarities, my process, struggles, and epiphanies are different each time, too.  

What Does Research Show the Benefits of Fasting Are?

There are a host of health benefits that result from giving your body and your digestive system a break.

Anti-cancer Benefits

I was first handed a bibliography of books on fasting by Thomas Lodi, M.D., when I was on a worldwide research tour of 19 clinics, studying non-toxic cancer treatment.

Lodi feels that fasting for 30 days is the best thing a cancer patient can do. Those books on fasting are found in the References section below.

Some disagree. In fact, Valter Longo, Ph.D., who specializes in fasting and in oncology in his research, feels that fasting while doing chemo is highly effective, protective of healthy cells, but he says that in both animals and human studies, he’s never seen fasting alone turn cancer around.

And, I think it’s clear that when a patient is in Stage IV and cachexia has set in, where the body is metabolizing muscle to feed cancer and stay alive, fasting may be a very poor idea.

But, Dr. Lodi maintains that the evidence shows it to be a powerful cancer preventative and treatment adjuvant.

With quite a bit of cancer in my family, my primary reason to fast, periodically, is cancer prevention.

Anti-diabetes Benefits

One study shows fasting to be regenerative for insulin production, as the pancreas repairs itself during a period with no food. And, the results weren’t short term: months later, they remained.

This is especially true when the person fasting begins “refeeding” on a plant-based diet. (Longo says the evidence is clear that the plant-based diet is best, for longevity, with small amounts of wild-caught fish as well.)

Several studies in Longo’s book cite turning around Type II diabetes, though Longo feels that a “fasting-mimicking diet” is preferable and less risky. Those taking insulin should not go without food for a long period of time.

Our 26-day detox qualifies as “fasting mimicking.”

You’re eating three meals a day, but all the food is easy to prepare, high in fiber and micronutrients, and the detoxer is eating no processed food, no animal products, and no highly allergenic foods.

There are periods of significant calorie suppression, which Longo’s research shows to be powerful in increasing stem cells, increasing human growth hormone and disease reversal.

Having guided 13,000 people, now, through our detox program in the past 5 years, I agree with Dr. Longo that many people are simply too toxic to do a full-blown fast, with no food at all.

(Some feel great the whole 26 days, but others struggle, even with eating three times a day on the detox, as they come off their caffeine, alcohol, sugar, salt, and other addictions.)

However, with rare exceptions, anyone can do our 26-day detox protocol, Longo’s “fasting mimicking diet,” or “FMD” five-day monthly protocol.

Autophagy Benefits: Cleaning Out for Better Rebuilding

At the water fasting retreat I did in 2016, I met a man named Eric.

His reason to fast was that a practitioner told him to do it for 20 days, to burn out a severe candida overgrowth.

Eric had been a heroin addict for many years, and he’d been hospitalized for the effects of his drug use, where he contracted MRSA that required a month of antibiotics. And, as you likely know, antibiotics usually lead to gut issues.

His were extreme. Absolutely anything he ate bloated his otherwise flat stomach to looking like he was 8 months pregnant. He was miserably sick, and desperate.

He was desperate enough to stop eating for 3 weeks.

However, contrary to Eric’s belief, arriving at the retreat, the primary benefit of fasting isn’t ketosis, although you are definitely in ketosis after a day or two.

Eric was after “ketosis,” where the body burns ketone bodies in the brain for fuel, which is all the rage currently with practitioners.

(I predict the obsession with ketosis, which is actually the body in crisis, will eventually go the way of the dodo.)

I explained autophagy to Eric, which is far more interesting to me.

It is literally defined as “self-eating,” because when the body has no other fuel, it feeds its cells and does cleanup work by metabolizing cancerous growths and breaking down yeasts, mold, fungi, viral, bacterial, and many other aberrant cells and growths.

Longo’s research culling epidemiological studies, as well as centenarian studies and his own research with various populations, points to not just the “self-eating” phenomenon of autophagy burning out aberrant cells first (not muscle mass, my friends, not unless that muscle needed replacing) but also the efficacy and power of the rebuilding  process, which happens after the fast.

Amazingly, 3 weeks of water fasting rectified Eric’s desperate situation, and a few months after finishing his fast, he texted me that he was still feeling great.

Neurological Benefits

Not only does fasting help our bodies, but it also benefits our brains. New studies show that fasting may actually ward off neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and even improve our memory and mood.

Dr. Longo cites a study showing that fasting contributes to stripping down and rebuilding the myelin sheath, an exciting possibility for multiple sclerosis patients.

Other studies reveal a correlation between fasting and improved neural connections in the hippocampus (the part of our brain that plays a critical role in memory). It has also been shown to reduce the number of amyloid plaques—the proteins associated with Alzheimer’s.

Fasting has also been shown to increase the brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) that contributes to the growth and maintenance of the brain’s nerve cells and has an anti-depression effect.

Mark Mattson, a professor of neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, explained in Johns Hopkins Health Review how fasting produces changes in the brain.

When you eat, glucose (or sugar) is stored in your liver as glycogen. Once the glycogen is used up, in about 11 hours, your body starts burning fats that are converted to ketone bodies.

It is these acidic chemicals that actually produce positive changes in the structure of synapses—or the gap that transmits information from one nerve cell to another. These cells have been shown to transmit signals to and from the brain at speeds of 200 mph.

When we constantly eat, our bodies don’t have a chance to produce these ketones. It’s interesting to note that exercise has similar positive effects on the brain.

Immune System Regeneration Benefits

The results of yet another study conducted by Professor Longo and his colleagues at USC surprised even them, deeming the unexpected outcome “remarkable.” The research consisted of asking a group of people to fast for two to four days on a regular basis for a period of six months.

What surprised the researchers was this: fasting caused the immune system to regenerate. They believe that the body, put into a state of low reserves, does what it can to save energy.

The result is that a lot of damaged immune cells, along with glucose, fat, and ketones, are broken down. The depletion of these immune (white blood) cells results in stem cell-based regeneration of new immune cells.

Another one of their findings was a noticeable decrease in the production of the enzyme PKA, a hormone that has been associated with an increased risk of cancer.

The reduction in PKA allows the stem cells to switch into regeneration mode, ultimately rebuilding your entire immune system.

It’s pretty incredible.

Anti-aging Benefits

Researchers from the Department of Medicine at the University of Virginia found that fasting for just two days produced a 5-fold increase in human growth hormone (HGH).

This hormone that diminishes as we age is associated with muscle and bone growth as well as sugar and fat metabolism. It has also been shown to significantly reduce the symptoms of congestive heart failure.

In addition, clinical findings showed a decrease in cholesterol and triglycerides as well as inflammation which, as we know, is associated with a number of chronic diseases such as arthritis, Alzheimer’s, cardiovascular disease, and high blood pressure.

Asthma Benefits

In another study conducted by Mark Mattson’s team, participants with moderate asthma cut their caloric intake down to about 1/5th or 20 percent of their normal consumption every other day for eight weeks (this would be an example of a “fasting-mimicking diet”).

The result? The symptoms associated with their asthma “improved significantly.”  

Is Fasting Without Food Good for Weight Loss?

Fasting is great for weight loss. But, then again, that’s not a great primary reason to fast. I’ll explain.

First of all, there are much, much easier ways to lose weight. Faster isn’t always better.

Second, you will gain back some or most of the weight you lost, and that’s a good thing.

You have to understand that fasting is a two-part process.

There’s the first period where you aren’t eating. As discussed before, your body is breaking down old cell parts, tissues, and fat stores, and healthy cells are consuming dead cells for fuel and so that they don’t swamp the filtering organs like the kidneys.

But, there’s also the “refeeding” process. That’s where you give the body very healthy fuel, after your fast, to rebuild the broken-down tissues.

Because “you are what you eat,” then you want to eat lots of the cleanest foods possible, that is, nutrient-dense, organic plant foods, including greens, vegetables, nuts and seeds, fruits, and legumes. And, if you eat animal products, eat very clean ones, and sparingly.

So, one of the first parts of the body to break down is fat stores, especially belly fat, according to research literature cited by Longo. But, as you may know, fat cells don’t disappear.

They only shrink. So, if you go back to your old ways of eating, you can fairly easily rebuild those belly fat deposits.

You’ll have to end your fast with a commitment to eating mostly plant-based whole foods if you want the belly fat not to return.

Some people respond to the idea of fasting with this: “That’s a terrible idea because you’ll lose muscle mass!”

This seems to be a vestige of the protein-obsessed fitness industry, who thinks that (a) anything that builds muscle mass is good (not true!) and (b) anything that decreases muscle mass even to the smallest degree is bad (also not true!).

Remember, any muscle tissue that your body breaks down in the fasting process (a) needed to be broken down and metabolized anyway, which is hard on the kidneys but great for your stripped-down and rebuilt lean muscle, and (b) will be the first to be rebuilt, along with healthy organ tissue, like pancreas, kidney, or liver.

I recommend if you fast and you’re interested in weight loss, you should not weigh yourself before and after.

You’re going to lose how much you lose. And, in the “refeeding” process, you will gain some of the weight back. (You need to.)

Just trust the process, don’t make weight loss the primary goal, and focus on the health benefits.

Start with a “fasting-mimicking” diet, like our 26-day detox, know that you’re giving yourself an amazing health reboot—with some loss of fat stores being an inevitable result and some increase in human growth hormone and stem cells—and congratulate yourself on your wins, as you think about taking it a step further, potentially, later.

  How Can I Get the Benefits of Fasting Without Actually Fasting?

Like Dr. Longo, I wouldn’t tell any first-time faster, someone who has never done a committed detoxification protocol or a long-term (4+ days) fast without dipping a toe in the water first. Here are some ways to do that:

1. Longo’s Own 5-Days-a-Month “Fasting-Mimicking Diet” Is a Place to Start

That’s one idea, and you can read about it in his book The Longevity Diet. (In his program, you’re eating plant-based meals, of 800 to 1,200 calories a day.)

2. 26-Day Detox Protocol

A second option, as I’ve mentioned, for a hard reboot of the body’s digestive system and a lot of breakdown of old material and eliminations of chemicals in organs and fat deposits, our 26-day process is highly effective, based on the research and practice of the “greats” in the field of human detoxification.

These include Dr. Max Gerson, Dr. Bernard Jensen, Dr. Ann Wigmore, and Dr. Richard Anderson, among others, who have influenced my own 20-year dive into how the body purifies itself, and now to nurture it, in that process.

3. You Could Skip Lunch or Dinner Each Day For An Extended Period of Time

Eat only two meals and an approximately 100-calorie snack (like an apple or a small green smoothie).

And, this is my suggestion: significant evidence shows breakfast to be very important, especially as brain fuel if you work for a living or go to school. Children critically need breakfast, as this study and others show. So, skip lunch or dinner rather than breakfast.

4. You Could Do Alternate-Day Fasting

You fast one day a week, or every other day, to slow the process and shorten the refeeding cycle.

5. Dr. Bryan Walsh is An N.D. Detoxification Practitioner and Feels That No One Should Undergo a Fast Without a Sauna

And, I agree with him. There is such a flood of chemicals and metabolic waste coming through; a daily sauna session would be more than helpful.

The ashram has not invested in one. (I’ve offered to help.) Virtually, all other places I’ve been worldwide, who treat disease holistically, offer infrared sauna sessions.

Having one at home is potentially one of the most useful things you can invest in for your health. Make sure it’s a low-EMF sauna using untreated cedar wood.

Fasting, or even a fasting-mimicking diet, will be massively assisted by daily sauna sessions.

6. Coffee Enema

I think a coffee enema would be very helpful as a daily practice throughout a fast. (Not allowed at the ashram either. They don’t want any potential messes in the residential rooms.)

The caffeine in the organic coffee is instantly taken up by the hemorrhoidal vein to the liver, which not only produces a lot of glutathione (the master antioxidant) but also dilates the liver bile ducts, to release a lot of toxicity into the lower colon.

This allows it to release immediately, rather than recirculate over and over through the blood.

Our detoxers who do this optional but encouraged practice report quick and highly reliable relief from headaches, constipation, and many other symptoms of detoxing (called Herxheimer reactions).

This practice was pioneered by Max Gerson, MD, about 100 years ago, and I personally have used it with astonishing results in my own detoxification experiments and working with 13,000 detoxers, over two decades.

Dozens of holistic clinics around the world employ it, as well, especially for cancer patients to help eliminate tumors breaking down. (For example, this Swiss clinic of biological medicine I take my readers to each summer for a liver detox.)  

Who Shouldn’t Fast?

People with renal (kidney) damage shouldn’t fast. (I aborted my last fast 2 days earlier than planned when kidney pain cropped up. However, I’d had annual testing the month before and knew my kidneys to be in perfect shape.)

Pregnant and nursing mothers

Children (In fact, children shouldn’t do severely “time-restricted eating” or “intermittent fasting” that involves skipping breakfast, either, according to this study.)

People with significant diagnoses shouldn’t fast without recommendation and supervision by your functional medicine practitioner.

People with diabetes

(If it were me, as noted earlier, I’d start with one of the options in How Can I Get the Benefits of Fasting, Without Actually Fasting before jumping right into a long water fast.)

Obese people are most likely to fast, and I’ve read of some fasting for 8 weeks or more. Obesity itself presents an enormous risk of death, and so do possibly even more extreme solutions like gastric bypass.

But, those with extreme fat stores are also storing more toxins, as fat attracts chemical toxicity. So, likely, all the risks of long-term fasting are much higher for obese people.

They should be under very close medical supervision. Because while it may be tempting to think “go big or go home” with the long water fast, the risk of cardiac arrhythmia and renal damage or hyperacidity is also higher.  

What I Learned From Fasting Without Food

As I strip down broken parts and bits of organs, fat stores, and muscles and tissues, a similar process occurs in me, emotionally and mentally.

I break down, a bit, and rebuild.

And, this is why the spiritual seekers and mystics fast, for even longer periods of time than I do to allow spirit triumph over the body, for a time, and to bring the mortal body low, to humble it, so that only the spirit is strong.

For many, fasting is a way to humble oneself to be more capable of giving thanks and worshiping divinity.

For me, too, it’s my shield against living in a world where I have to breathe cadmium and arsenic in the air, occasionally, despite my significant efforts, eat genetically modified foods and refined foods with carcinogenic chemicals added, and drink water with plastics or antibiotics or fluoride in it.

In my weakness, I also learn how strong I am. I discover that I can do hard things and that I can mentally overcome the weakness of the flesh.

Amazingly, while my most recent 7-day fast was the hardest, I think it was also the most emotionally cathartic.

I learned how my brain, deprived of fuel, affected the way I view others. I decided to observe it rather than judge it.

Basically, I was mad at everyone and everything, for two days, as energies and matter moved through me—another reason I’m glad I was at an ashram far from home.

This PubMed article explains why adrenaline is increased in many who fast for several days. (This also explains why I had a resting heart rate of 78 when my normal is 55, and in the last few days of my fast, I felt my heart pounding in my chest.)

I was working on my laptop, and occasionally phone, and I found that things I would normally take in stride provoked a surprising amount of irritability and flashes of anger. It lasted two days, and then I woke up, peaceful, the last morning.

My awareness was heightened. I thought a lot about my weaknesses and addictions, and I stared at them without shaming myself. I was just observing.

I realized—without even tea, or chewing gum, to entertain my mouth and my senses—how many times, during any day, I do something to increase or decrease my energy, my anxiety, or my ability to rest.

It’s not like I’m taking depression meds, sleeping pills, or painkillers or street drugs.

But, I do drink coffee to power through an intense afternoon of work, and I do drink wine to lubricate a stressful social engagement with strangers.

I do jumping jacks next to my desk to manipulate my energy, and I play sports every morning not just because you’re supposed to break a sweat, for your health, but also for the adrenaline rush and endorphins I draft on, all day.

It is an interesting and useful exercise to fast for a week or two, where all these tactics are off the table. And, I have nothing to rely on except my mind.

And, I find that my mind is strong enough to conquer difficulties. This is good to know, because if we know one thing about life, it’s that we will face serious challenges in the future.

The main thing I accomplish, then, when I fast, is strengthening my body and mind.

  Next: I made two Facebook Live videos during my most recent water fast, answering viewer questions and giving more detail. Watch them here:



How do you plan to start fasting without food? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

Up Next: 10 Amazing Treatments By Europe’s Biological Medicine Doctors (You Can’t Get From Your U.S. Medical Doctor)

  Resources:

Longo, Valter Ph.D. The Longevity Diet. Avery. 2018

Wells, Katie. My Experience with Water Fasting & Why I’ll Do It Again. Wellness Mama. 03/2018. https://wellnessmama.com/345549/water-fasting/

Sugarman, Joe. Are There any Proven Benefits to Fasting? Johns Hopkins Health Review. 2016. http://www.johnshopkinshealthreview.com/issues/spring-summer-2016/articles/are-there-any-proven-benefits-to-fasting

Wu, Suzanne. Fasting Triggers Stem Cell Regeneration of Damaged, Old Immune System. USC News. 06/2014. https://news.usc.edu/63669/fasting-triggers-stem-cell-regeneration-of-damaged-old-immune-system/

Hartman, ML. et al. Augmented growth hormone (GH) secretory burst frequency and amplitude mediate enhanced GH secretion during a two-day fast in normal men. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. 04/1992. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1548337

Johnson, James B. et al. Alternate Day Calorie Restriction Improves Clinical Findings and Reduces Markers of Oxidative Stress and Inflammation in Overweight Adults with Moderate Asthma. Free Radical Biology and Medicine. 03/2007. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S089158490600801X?via%3Dihub

Grantham-McGregor, S. Can the Provision of Breakfast Benefit School Performance? Food and Nutrition Bulletin. 06/2005. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16075563

Zauner, C. Resting energy expenditure in short-term starvation is increased as a result of an increase in serum norepinephrine. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. 06/2000. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10837292

  Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that help support the GSG mission without costing you extra. I recommend only companies and products that I use myself.

Editor’s Note – This post was originally published on April 19, 2018, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.

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[jackfrostuniversity-blog]

Jack Frost University - First Issue

Jack Frost University - First Issue 07/05/2018

Ceremonial Magic, Saturn Magic Cube, Pentagram of Fire, Kilauea Volcano at 19.5 and Thoth Stellar Tetrahedron

Well I've done it!! I finally started performing ceremonial magic. I feel like I've been waiting my entire life to start operating in ceremonial magic. I've known deep down in my heart that this was the fun stuff but I've felt a hesitation to partake of it until I developed my mind and heart so that I have a proper background to work from. I've always felt that I needed a very stable, solid foundation of spirituality before delving into such things. Some organizations get so confused and lost in the ceremonies they forget exactly why they started it in the first place. In the past, whenever I've heard or witnessed ceremonial magic on youtube videos my heart would begin to pump and my mind start to race. It's so exciting. In the past I've had friends in the Freemasons and O.T.O. (Ordo Templi Orientis) but I've avoided joining such organizations because I wanted to start something of my own, something I could foster and grow as time went by. I never wanted to join any pre-existing systems when it came to magic. I'm a co-creator and I just want to create something from scratch so that I wouldn't be bound by the laws of other occult groups.

Before I tell you how the ceremony went and exactly what I did let me give you some news. By the way, in case you aren't aware of this the word NEWS is a contraction of the four directions of the compass. North, East, West, and South. And if you connect the points in that order it creates a lightning bolt. So news is really signifying the concept of information being brought to you from all over the world, from all points of the compass. These last three months have been very enlightening and entertaining for me. I have leveled up my spiritual game. One or more of my chakras must have opened up because I've been getting a flood of information lately which I'm finding difficult to manage. It first started when I went out with my friend Silas Cabal, a sleight of hand magician who happens to be my roommate, and his girlfriend to a restaurant in Fort Collins, Colorado. We were eating, drinking and waiting for another friend of his to show up whom we were going to meet for the first time. He is a sleight of hand magician also and was going to show off his skills with playing cards for us. After half an hour of impressing us with the cards he breaks out his rubiks cube. My soul jumped to attention for some reason. He was able to put the rubiks cube behind his back and solve the riddle. I've seen people in the past who could solve a rubiks cube but I've never seen anybody solve it behind their back like he did. I was super impressed. After a few hours of bar hopping I started to get tired. I figured I should drive home before I got too drunk and had to crash at someones elses pad for the night. When Silas came back home that night he mentioned that he ran into two other people who also had rubiks cubes. I quizzed him on this and pressed into it a little bit further. "Besides the first person we met you met two other totally unrelated strangers who also happened to be carrying a fucking rubiks cube on their person?" I asked. He confirmed. I thought it was a bit odd that three separate men in one single night of bar hopping happened to have a rubiks cube on them. Was it national rubiks cube day and I didn't know it? I ended up taking it as a sign from the Universe. One week later Silas' girlfriend brought home a black magic cube. On the surface were a bunch of magical symbols, sigils and sacred numbers. I asked her where she got it from and she told me WalMart. So I went and bought six. They were a dollar each. Usually when events like this occur, a repeating pattern of events, I take it as a sign that the Divine is trying to teach me or show me something. So I started googling magic cube and I was inundated with information about the planet Saturn. Then I'm driving to Fort Collins a week later and I see a street called Saturn. This is a street I have passed by at least twice a week but never noticed it was there. This discovery of the Saturn magic cube marks a pivotal time in my life. I seem to have entered into a new arena where I'm being given sacred knowledge I've never been given before. I have a lot to tell you about what I've learned so far, like the symbol showing up in Hollywood music videos, Islam's center of worship and in a TON of companies in the information technology (I.T.) sector. The Saturn sigil is also associated with Azazel. I will be publishing my discoveries regarding Saturn in more detail in a later time. At this point it is enough to say that planet Earth is very much heavily satured by the planetary energy corresponding to Saturn.

Right around the time that the Universe revealed to me the Saturn magic cube I felt a need to start developing my magic rituals. I have this thing that I do when I 'download' information from the Universe. Some call it a knowledge dump. It's basically where you are receiving information from somewhere outside of yourself or perhaps from your own soul or consciousness. It could be called a 'data transfer' as well. I'm not sure if anyone really knows what to call the process at this point but it basically just means you are receiving information by means of meditation instead of receiving information by more carnal methods such as reading a book or watching a youtube video. I've been 'downloading' information from the Spirit, what I also call the Universe for lack of a better understanding, since I was twenty-two, when I began 'The Quest'. But only recently have I felt a desire to create a ritual for doing so. As it turns out I accidentally summoned four spirits to my bedroom during one of my trance sessions. I didn't know I was doing it at the time but I ended up performing an evocation. For those of you who don't know, an invocation is when you are calling a spirit into you, and an evocation is where you are calling a spirit to you or around you. I say accidentally because I had no idea what I was doing at the time. I just know that it was 55 degrees outside, I had every door and window in the house open and my room felt like it was 90 degrees. Moments like that indicate a presence in the room as the more 'company' you get the hotter it is due to the energy they bring. Here is the evocation ritual that I developed...

First, I start playing my favorite hip hop hollywood music. This helps me get into trance mode. The repetitive beats and rhythm are perfect for me. For those of you who don't know the Ancient Druids used to make their magic wands from the wood of a holly, or from Holly Wood. Hollywood is about sorcery. Their music and movies are all meant to hypnotize you. I love it. I'm obsessed with hollywood, disney and sorcery. I also listen to the same song over and over. I can't listen to new music during rituals because new music means you're forming new neurons. Forming new neurons actually inhibits you from going into trance mode. So I put a song on repeat and hear it about three times before moving on to the next song. The songs I've been listening to during these rituals so far has been Walk the Moon - "One Foot", Sara Bareilles - "King of Anything" and Imagine Dragons "Thunder". These songs may not originate from Hollywood but I still call them my hip-hop hollywood music because of the hypnotizing effects. Sometimes I will stop the hollywood music and shift to a different set of beats. Simultaneously I will play some Native American drums with a lot of bass designed for trance meditation as well as another track playing in the background which is called "OM Chanting @ 417 Hz - Removes All Negative Blocks" on youtube. After I get my music track settled I turn off the white lights in my room and turn on my blinking christmas lights. This dims the lights and is easier on my eyes. Then I light my favorite incense. I prefer cannabis or amber-sandal made by HEM. Then I light my black candles. Then I light sage and keep it tucked in between my fingers as I shuffle the major arcana of the thoth tarot deck repeatedly and walk around my room. From time to time, as I'm pacing back and forth in my room, I pick up my black saturn magic cube and toss it into the air and catch it. Other times I pick up the stones that the Universe has given me, which at this point is just my rose quartz and emerald, and caress them and maneuver them around in my hand. These stones, by the way, are symbolic of people or concepts, because we as humans have been compared to living stones. That's it. That's one of the rituals I've created when I feel the need to trance out, download information from the Spirit or perform an evocation.

A few days after I ended up summoning these four spirits I felt like I wanted to create a pentagram of fire to satisfy my curiousity about ceremonial magic. I've had these tiki torches in my backyard for quite some time but I've never put them to use. I finally found a creative use for them. We have a circular fire pit in the backyard as well and so I placed the tiki torches around the campfire in the shape of a pentagram. Then I lit them with my lighter. Each tiki torch matched up to the points of a pentagram and I had a fire blazing in the middle of it. It reminded me of the Pentagon, the Headquarters of the Department of Defense, in Virginia. When Silas came home from work we moved one of our couches inside of the pentagram next to the fire pit. I brought the Saturn magic cube, the major arcana of the thoth tarot deck and my stones into the pentagram with me. This is when shit started getting crazy. I mean like the movie Constantine kind of crazy. I'm not going to go into details but I will say that what I got out of it personally was the norse bind rune of H & B. A bind rune is a combination of two or more runes. The Universe revealed to me the H & B bind rune while I was in the pentagram of fire. As I looked up the meanings of both runes I believe the message I was given had something to do with "HAIL MARY", or possibly "HAIL BIRCH GODDESS". As I researched the term birch goddess I see that it was referring to Freya, the wife of Odin, the sorceress and goddess of love and death.

I made a mistake and did not record the day or hour that I received this message while sitting in the pentagram. Just so you know, when performing magical experiments, and especially when you get a result, you should always record the results as well as the day and hour that you received them. My studies of magic over the last twenty years have led me to believe it's important to do so.

You may have heard that there is a volcano on the big island of Hawaii called Kiluaea which has been going off non-stop for over a month now. It started right around May 1st of this year, 2018. I cannot remember if those four spirits that I summoned showed up before or after this volcano started going off but it was right around the same time. Im not sure if Ive ever witnessed a volcano going off so I was curious and started doing some research. Along with all this new sacred knowledge Ive been given by the Universe came the understanding of the connection between the God Jehovah of the Old Testament with volcanos. Yes, thats right!! There is a connection. The God Jehovah and volcanos are somehow connected. Im not sure how they are connected yet but as always I will continue to press in until I find out. As always, when I hear about major catastrophes occurring throughout the Earth I always look to ley lines, sacred geometry and sacred nodal points. Im always looking for answers from a synergetic perspective. I like to know how events throughout the globe are connected. So I opened up Google Earth and looked for the location of the Kiluaea volcano and found it to be at about 19.47 degrees North. I recognized that co-ordinate immediately. 19.47, or as some websites put it, 19.5 degrees, are the nodal points of two star tetrahedrons. These have also gone by the name of the Thoth Stellar Tetrahedron. For the last 18 years as Ive been researching the Ancient Egyptian gods I have come across the Emerald Tablets of Thoth on www.crystalinks.com. Im sure many of you are familiar with this. You might notice in the hands of the graphic of Thoth is a stellar tetrahedron. Two tetrahedrons spinning opposite of each other, which some have also called a Merkabah. Is this the sign of the coming of Thoth? Is this the star which announces his arrival?

I will close with that question. 

[artsoccupychi]

I Went Without Food for 35 Days. Here’s What I Learned.

I’m completely fascinated by the process and benefits of fasting.

I’m talking about eating absolutely nothing for a long period of time. (With water, it’s called “water fasting”–or without water, it’s called “dry fasting.”)

And I’ve always felt that when Christians, Muslims, and Jews quit fasting routinely, we lost something important.

After all, some sects in those religious traditions used to fast, at length, for weeks at a time.

Now, my research into fasting—including doing it myself 4 times in the past 2 years (for 12 days, 9 days, and 7 days twice)–has less to do with spiritual purification, and more to do with the health benefits.

I developed what qualifies as a fasting-mimicking detox, five years ago, which 13,000 people have now done.

(By “fasting mimicking,” I mean you can eat three times a day, but food is completely prescribed to achieve similar benefits to fasting.)

And I do not honestly believe that most people can or will do what I just did.

(Go completely without food for a week or more.)

In fact, I’m not sure they even should. More on that later.

Let’s talk about what crazy, slightly disgusting and simultaneously amazing things happen in the human body when you fast for a long period of time.

And why I keep doing this, about every year.

What I get from it. And why you might want to consider doing some form of fasting.

Why I didn’t do my water fasting at home

I have very little self discipline.

I’m not a biohacker, constantly using technology on myself, to experiment. I’ve never run a race longer than a 10k and don’t plan to.

And I don’t have any self-denial fetishes. I don’t just do every hard thing, because it’s a challenge.

Besides being raised Mormon, where we fasted Saturday night to Sunday night one Sunday every month, from the age of 8, I have absolutely no reason why fasting for a long period of time would be easy for me.

I’m one of those people who, if something hurts, or I’m hungry, everybody around me is gonna know about it.

In fact, I knew I couldn’t do it from home.

I would start with the best of intentions, I’m sure. I might even last a whole day. But the fridge would be right there. 100 steps away, max.

My car would be in the garage, with food just a 10-minute drive from food. Really good food.

No, wait, it’s worse than that—there’s a Thai restaurant literally 3 minutes from my house.

My willpower is nothing, when I get ferociously hungry.

I’m a vegetarian, and very frankly, I’d eat a t-bone cooked rare, if I got hungry enough. Maybe even a hot dog. (I suffered actual pain, writing that.)

So I fly to a spiritual retreat in Texas, run by Hindu monks and nuns, to fast. It’s called Siddhayatan.

What it’s like to fast at Siddhayatan

Siddhayatan is in Nowhere, Texas. Truly, it is miles from anything, and you cannot use your Uber or Lyft app, from there. To sneak out and get food, in a moment of weakness.

It’s insanely cheap, maybe the cost of a Motel 6.

Which makes sense, considering they’re feeding you nothing, and you might be sharing a bathroom, or staying in a room with no drywall, and a naked lightbulb your only form of light.

I could go to True North in California, where they’ll “medically supervise” me and the lodgings are really nice.

But heck, while I’m facing all my addictions, might as well face my addiction to upper-middle-class luxuries, as well.

I take a sliver of soap and a towel. (Correct, the Hindu ashram does not provide a towel or washcloths.)

I take a $100 Uber from the airport, where you can actually get a ride. You can Uber to the ashram, but not back to the airport.

Later, I’ll have a private car company drive me back. But you can’t just call them when you’re freaking out and wanting food. You can schedule them to pick you up tomorrow.

So this saves me from my freakouts. I mean, freakouts are by definition short-term.

You see how it’s the perfect place for water fasting? Temptation is completely removed.

Also: you CAN have a meal there, if you find you aren’t doing well, fasting.

You would have to be in a serious crisis to just drop in for lunch, though. First of all, that would be embarrassing.

You’re supposed to give them a heads up, because this is the most frugal place you’ve ever been.

The monks and nuns (dressed all in white) make a homemade vegetarian Hindu meal three meals a day, but they make just enough for the exact number of people they have there doing the yoga, meditation, silent, and spiritual retreats.

(You, the water faster? No soup for you. They didn’t plan on you crashing the meal.)

So besides being embarrassing to fail to ask well in advance if you can eat a meal with everybody else, you might actually be causing everyone they did plan for, to not get enough to eat, if you just crashed a meal.

I know, it’s really Dickensian.

So my point is, your food cravings are not easily indulged at this place. And for me, that’s half the battle.

There’s the actual hunger and physical weakness itself—sometimes even symptoms from long-term fasting (I’ll get to that)—but the constant temptations you’d have at home are removed.

I know a guy at home who recently fasted for 23 days. He went out to lunch and coffee with people, the whole time, and just abstained.

I guess some people are motivated or more self-disciplined than I am.

I almost lost my mind watching Netflix on my laptop, during my last fast.

(Do you know how much food they show, on most movies and TV shows? No, you don’t. You notice this kind of thing only when you’re fasting.)

So, some people might have an iron will and be able to fast at home, but I am not one of them.

The total isolation at Siddhayatan is hard (I like being around people!) but it’s also helpful.

Should you try water fasting?

Now, if you’re thinking about this for yourself, a few caveats.

One, there is no medical supervision here. No nurses or doctors. They have people fasting here all the time, without serious incident, but people have actually died from fasting before. Or so I’ve heard.

I mean, the odds of you dying from fasting are probably about as high as you dying from taking most over-the-counter medications. Or driving in a car.

That is, pretty low.

But when I interviewed Valter Longo, PhD, a fasting and longevity expert and author of The Longevity Diet, he did cite two deaths he knows of, from people fasting for a length of time, one of them with diabetes, and one with multiple sclerosis.

While Longo recites the many incredible health benefits of fasting, including rebuilding myelin sheath and regenerating insulin-producing capacity of the pancreas—long term benefits, not just short term, after the fast–I imagine he doesn’t want the liability of people at risk fasting for long periods of time, due to his recommendations.

Frankly, neither do I, in an age of litigiousness.

Which seems ridiculous, given that millions of people have fasted, accidentally due to lack of food, or on purpose, for literally millenia.

But here we are, in 2018. Where most Americans have never gone a whole day without food, and some tell me they’ve never even skipped a meal.

I think we’re more in need of fasting, than any culture in the history of mankind.

So here’s my onerous disclaimer: if you undergo a water fast or dry fast longer than a day, don’t say that I told you to do it. Please do it under supervision of a trusted functional medicine practitioner.

This blog post is about my experience, and is not medical advice and does not substitute for competent medical care.

What Are the Side Effects of Fasting?

 Hunger and energy fluctuations

It goes without saying that you’re really insanely hungry the first few days. Then, your body and mind settle in.

Some people describe having lots of energy. Most don’t! Generally, the longer you fast, the more your cravings for food subside, but so does your energy.

Your spirits will stay higher if you’re “doing the mental work” of challenging yourself with the task of confronting your addictions, congratulating yourself on your progress each day (or hour), reminding yourself of the health benefits, and staying positive.

If you’re smart, you don’t take a laptop with a huge writing project and deadline, like I do. (Every single time. A single mom’s gotta work!)

If you can afford the time off from Life, you can just lie in bed, take short walks now and then, but not do much of anything unless you feel like it.

That said, you know yourself, and some of us do better when we’re as productive as energy allows.

I think fasting would actually be harder for me if I were like everyone else at the Siddhayatan retreat, and didn’t work at all.

On about Day 4, I start to have periods of not feeling hunger. One of the nuns told me that this is my body and mind “accepting” the fast.

Muscle, tissue, organ, and fat cleanup

I also, however, in each of my last 3 fasts, start to have lower back pain on day 4. Since I never experience this at home, I researched it, and I believe it is—don’t be scared now, this is going to sound scary—

–my kidneys backlogged with broken-down muscle tissue. Possibly compounded by over-drinking water (which is easy to do, when that’s all you can have).

Yeah, your muscle breaks down. A little bit. This may sound like a bad thing.

But if you’re a weight lifter and your trainer has you believing that all your nutrition habits should be geared to just one thing—preserving and building muscle mass—let me share  a revolutionary concept. Well, two of them.

One, every time you lift weights, you’re tearing down muscle fiber. And as it builds, that’s how your muscles grow.

And two, your muscle needs cleanup, just like your organs, joints, even every cell, does! If a tiny amount of your muscle breaks down, it was the body tearing out the parts that needed rebuilding anyway.

Don’t overattach, as the Hindu monks would tell you.

Remember, the fasting process doesn’t want to break down healthy muscle. It’s strong and it is serving you well.

As you deprive your body of food, it’s nasties like bacteria and cancer and yeast that are gobbled up like crazy. Oh, and belly fat!

Fasting Is Different For Everyone.

My friend Katie Wells, who has one of the most popular wellness blogs online, “The Wellness Mama,” recently water fasted for 2 weeks, and found that after the first three days of weakness and hunger, she was insanely productive.

She cooked for her family of six children, and just abstained.

As I mentioned before, if I was at home cooking for my own children, I lack confidence that I wouldn’t cave and throw in the towel, after a day or two, promising myself, “I’ll start again tomorrow.”

Total isolation and removal from food temptation, like I get at the Texas ashram, is very beneficial to me. (Also a little lonely.)

Fasting gets you “up close and personal” with all your addictions. You know how you need a coffee to wake you up? (Or, in my case, you like it as a pick-me-up while you’re working, in the afternoon.)

Well, you can’t have one. You can’t have a glass of wine (or three) on Saturday night, you can’t snack, you can’t even have a cup of tea.

And this becomes an interesting deep dive into your soul, where you learn how addicted to stimulation, in general, you are.

What will you do with that knowledge? I think even the awareness is helpful. Towards managing addictions and moving through them to a healthier place.

I think that if you can soldier on and do your work and tend to your family, the time will pass more quickly, than if you do what I do:

Sit around in bed, mostly, working on your laptop and watching movies. p.s. Try not to watch movies about food.

When I was hitting a wall, in my most recent 7-day fast, on day 3, the nuns told me about some of their other water fasters.

The longest? An older man fasted for 40 days. Pretty Biblical, right? They said he would pretty much lay in bed the whole time and was very, very weak.

But the woman who stayed in my room before me had come for a 30-day fast, brought her dog, and planned to confront her emotional eating problem.

She ended up extending two more days. (Wow.)

Another woman came for three weeks, and walked 10 miles a day.

Like I said, fasting is different for everyone. In fact, while each of my long fasts have had similarities, my process and struggles and epiphanies are different each time, too.

What Does Research Show the Benefits of Fasting Are?

There are a host of health benefits that results from giving your body and your digestive system a break.

Cancer benefits

I was first handed a bibliography of books on fasting by Thomas Lodi, M.D., when I was on a worldwide research tour of 19 clinics, studying non-toxic cancer treatment.

Lodi feels that fasting for 30 days is the best thing a cancer patient can do. Those books on fasting are found in the References section below.

Some disagree. In fact, Valter Longo, PhD, who specializes in fasting and in oncology in his research, feels that fasting while doing chemo is highly effective, protective of healthy cells, but he says that in both animals and human studies, he’s never seen fasting alone turn cancer around.

And, I think it’s clear that when a patient is in Stage IV and cachexia has set in, where the body is metabolizing muscle to feed the cancer and stay alive, fasting may be a very poor idea.

But Dr. Lodi maintains that the evidence shows it to be a powerful cancer preventative and treatment adjuvant.

With quite a bit of cancer in my family, my primary reason to fast, periodically, is cancer prevention.

Diabetes benefits

One study shows fasting to be regenerative for insulin production, as the pancreas repairs itself during a period with no food. And the results weren’t short term: months later, they remained.

Especially when the person fasting begins “re-feeding” on a plant-based diet. (Longo says the evidence is clear that the plant-based diet is best, for longevity, with small amounts of wild-caught fish as well.)

Several studies in Longo’s book cite turning around Type II diabetes, though Longo feels that a “fasting mimicking diet” is preferable and less risky. Those taking insulin should not go without food for a long period of time.

Our 26-day detox qualifies as “fasting mimicking.”

You’re eating three meals a day, but all the food is easy to prepare, high in fiber and micronutrients, and the detoxer is eating no processed food, no animal products, and no highly allergenic foods.

There are periods of significant calorie suppression, which Longo’s research shows to be powerful in increasing stem cells, increasing human growth hormone, and disease reversal.

Having guided 13,000 people, now, through our detox program in the past 5 years, I agree with Dr. Longo that many people are simply too toxic to do a full-blown fast, with no food at all.

(Some feel great, the whole 26 days, but others struggle, even with eating three times a day, on the detox, as they come off their caffeine, alcohol, sugar, salt, and other addictions.)

However, with rare exceptions, anyone can do our 26-day detox protocol, or Longo’s “fasting mimicking diet” or “FMD” five-day monthly protocol.

Autophagy benefits: cleaning out for better rebuilding

At the water fasting retreat I did in 2016, I met a man named Eric.

His reason to fast was that a practitioner told him to do it for 20 days, to burn out a severe candida overgrowth.

Eric had been a heroin addict for many years, and he’d been hospitalized for the effects of his drug use, where he contracted MRSA. That required a month of antibiotics. And as you likely know, antibiotics usually lead to gut issues.

His were extreme. Absolutely anything he ate bloated his otherwise flat stomach to look like he was 8 months pregnant. He was miserably sick, and desperate.

Desperate enough to stop eating for 3 weeks.

However, contrary to Eric’s belief, arriving at the retreat, the primary benefit of fasting isn’t ketosis, although you are definitely in ketosis after a day or two.

Eric was after “ketosis,” where the body burns ketone bodies in the brain for fuel, which is all the rage currently with practitioners.

(I predict the obsession with ketosis, which is actually the body in crisis, will eventually go the way of the dodo.)

I explained autophagy to Eric, which is far more interesting to me.

It is literally defined as “self eating,” because when the body has no other fuel, it feeds its cells and does cleanup work by metabolizing cancerous growths, and breaking down yeasts, mold, fungi, viral, bacterial, and many other aberrant cells and growths.

Longo’s research culling epidemiological studies, as well as centenarian studies and his own research with various populations, points to not just the “self-eating” phenomenon of autophagy burning out aberrant cells first (not muscle mass, my friends, not unless that muscle needed replacing)—

—but also the efficacy and power of the rebuilding  process. Which happens after the fast.

Amazingly, 3 weeks of water fasting rectified Eric’s desperate situation, and a few months after finishing his fast, he texted me that he was still feeling great.

Neurological benefits

Not only does fasting help our bodies, it also benefits our brains. New studies show that fasting may actually ward off neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, and even improve our memory and mood.

Dr. Longo cites a study showing that fasting contributes to stripping down and rebuilding the myelin sheath, an exciting possibility for multiple sclerosis patients.

Other studies reveal a correlation between fasting and improved neural connections in the hippocampus (the part of our brain that plays a critical role in memory). It has also been shown to reduce the number of amyloid plaques–the proteins associated with Alzheimer’s.

Fasting has also been shown to increase the brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) that contributes to the growth and maintenance of the brain’s nerve cells, and has an anti-depression effect.

Mark Mattson, professor of neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, explained in Johns Hopkins Health Review how fasting produces changes in the brain.

When you eat, glucose (or sugar) is stored in your liver as glycogen. Once the glycogen is used up, in about 11 hours, your body starts burning fats that are converted to ketone bodies.

It is these acidic chemicals that actually produce positive changes in the structure of synapses–or the gap that transmits information from one nerve cell to another. These cells have been shown to transmit signals to and from the brain at speeds of 200 mph.

When we constantly eat, our bodies don’t have a chance to produce these ketones. It’s interesting to note that exercise has similar positive effects on the brain.

Immune System Benefits

The results of yet another study conducted by Professor Longo and his colleagues at USC surprised even them, deeming the unexpected outcome “remarkable.” The research consisted of asking a group of people to fast for two to four days on a regular basis for a period of six months.

What surprised the researchers was this: fasting caused the immune system to regenerate. They believe that the body, put into a state of low reserves, does what it can to save energy.

The result is that a lot of damaged immune cells, along with glucose, fat and ketones, are broken down. The depletion of these immune (white blood) cells results in stem cell-based regeneration of new immune cells.

Another one of their findings was a noticeable decrease in the production of the enzyme PKA, a hormone that has been associated with an increased risk of cancer.

The reduction in PKA allows the stem cells to switch into regeneration mode, ultimately rebuilding your entire immune system.

Pretty incredible.

Anti-aging benefits

Researchers from the Department of Medicine at the University of Virginia found that fasting for just two days produced a 5-fold increase in human growth hormone (HGH).

This hormone that diminishes as we age is associated with muscle and bone growth as well as sugar and fat metabolism. It has also been shown to significantly reduce the symptoms of congestive heart failure.

In addition, clinical findings showed a decrease in cholesterol and triglycerides as well as inflammation which, as we know, is associated with a number of chronic diseases such as arthritis, Alzheimer’s, cardiovascular disease and high blood pressure.

Asthma benefits

In another study conducted by Mark Mattson’s team, participants with moderate asthma cut their caloric intake down to about 1/5th or 20 percent of their normal consumption every other day for eight weeks (this would be an example of a “fasting mimicking diet”).

The result? The symptoms associated with their asthma “improved significantly.”

Is Fasting Good for Weight Loss?

Fasting is great for weight loss—and then again, that’s not a great primary reason to fast. I’ll explain.

First of all, there are much, much easier ways to lose weight. Faster isn’t always better.

Second, you will gain back some or most of the weight you lost, and that’s a good thing.

You have to understand that fasting is a two part process.

There’s the first period where you aren’t eating. As discussed before, your body is breaking down old cell parts, tissues, fat stores, and healthy cells are consuming dead cells, so that they have fuel, and so that they don’t swamp the filtering organs like the kidneys.

But there’s also the “refeeding” process. That’s where you give the body very healthy fuel, after your fast, to rebuild the broken-down tissues.

Because “you are what you eat,” then, you want to eat lots of the cleanest foods possible:

That is, nutrient-dense, organic plant foods, including greens, vegetables, nuts and seeds, fruits, and legumes. And if you eat animal products, eat very clean ones, and sparingly.

So, one of the first parts of the body to break down is fat stores, especially belly fat, according to research literature cited by Longo. But as you may know, fat cells don’t disappear.

They only shrink. So if you go back to your old ways of eating, you can fairly easily rebuild those belly fat deposits.

You’ll have to end your fast with a commitment to eating mostly plant-based whole foods, if you want the belly fat not to return.

Some people respond to the idea of fasting with this: “That’s a terrible idea, because you’ll lose muscle mass!”

This seems to be a vestige of the protein-obsessed fitness industry, who thinks that (a) anything that builds muscle mass is good (not true!), and (b) anything that decreases muscle mass even to the smallest degree is bad (also not true!).

Remember, any muscle tissue that your body breaks down in the fasting process (a) needed to be broken down and metabolized anyway, which is hard on the kidneys but great for your stripped-down and rebuilt lean muscle, and (b) will be the first to be rebuilt, along with healthy organ tissue, like pancreas or kidney or liver.

I recommend if you fast, and you’re interested in weight loss, that you not weigh yourself before and after.

You’re going to lose how much you lose. And in the “refeeding” process, you will gain some of the weight back. (You need to.)

Just trust the process, don’t make weight loss the primary goal, and focus on the health benefits.

Start with a “fasting mimicking” diet, like our 26-day detox, know that you’re giving yourself an amazing health reboot–with some loss of fat stores being an inevitable result, some increase in human growth hormone and stem cells–and congratulate yourself on your wins, as you think about taking it a step further, potentially, later.

How Can I Get the Benefits of Fasting, Without Actually Fasting?

Like Dr. Longo, I wouldn’t tell any first-time faster, someone who has never done a committed detoxification protocol, or a long term (4+ days) fast without dipping a toe in the water first. Here are some ways to do that:

1. Longo’s own 5-days-a-month “fasting mimicking diet” is a place to start. That’s one idea, and you can read about it in his book The Longevity Diet. (In his program, you’re eating plant-based meals, of 800 to 1,200 calories a day.)

2. A second option, as I’ve mentioned, for a hard reboot of the body’s digestive system, and a lot of breakdown of old material and eliminations of chemicals in organs and fat deposits, our 26-day process is highly effective, based on the research and practice of the “greats” in the field of human detoxification.

These include Dr. Max Gerson, Dr. Bernard Jensen, Dr. Ann Wigmore, and Dr. Richard Anderson, among others, who have influenced my own 20-year dive into how the body purifies itself, and now to nurture it, in that process.

3. Third, you could skip lunch or dinner each day, for an extended period of time. Eat only two meals, and an approximately 100-calorie snack (like an apple, or a small green smoothie).

And, this is my suggestion: significant evidence shows breakfast to be very important. Especially as brain fuel if you work for a living or go to school. Children critically need breakfast, as this study and others show. So skip lunch or dinner, rather than breakfast.

4. Fourth, finally, you could do alternate-day fasting, where you fast one day a week, or every other day, to slow the process and shorten the refeeding cycle.

5. Dr. Bryan Walsh is an N.D. detoxification practitioner and feels that no one should undergo a fast without a sauna.

And I agree with him. There is such a flood of chemicals and metabolic waste coming through, a daily sauna session would be more than helpful.

The ashram has not invested in one. (I’ve offered to help.) Virtually all other places I’ve been, worldwide, who treat disease holistically, offer infrared sauna sessions.

Having one at home is potentially one of the most useful things you can invest in, for your health.  Make sure it’s a low-EMF sauna using untreated cedar wood.

Fasting, or even a fasting-mimicking diet, will be massively assisted by daily sauna sessions.

6. I think a coffee enema would be very helpful as a daily practice, throughout a fast. (Not allowed at the ashram either. They don’t want any potential messes in the residential rooms.)

The caffeine in the organic coffee is instantly taken up by the hemmorrhoidal vein to the liver, which not only produces a lot of glutathione (the master antioxidant), but also dilates the liver bile ducts, to release a lot of toxicity into the lower colon.

This allows it to release immediately, rather than recirculate over and over through the blood.

Our detoxers who do this optional but encouraged practice report quick and highly reliable relief from headaches, constipation, and many other symptoms of detoxing (called Herxheimer reactions).

This practice was pioneered by Max Gerson, MD, about 100 years ago, and I personally have used it with astonishing results in my own detoxification experiments and working with 13,000 detoxers, over two decades.

Dozens of holistic clinics around the world employ it, as well, especially for cancer patients to help eliminate tumors breaking down. (For example, this Swiss clinic of biological medicine I take my readers to each summer, for a liver detox.)

Who Shouldn’t Fast?

• People with renal (kidney) damage shouldn’t fast. I aborted my last fast 2 days earlier than planned, when kidney pain cropped up. However, I’d had annual testing the month before and knew my kidneys to be in perfect shape.

• Pregnant and nursing mothers shouldn’t fast.

• Children shouldn’t fast for longer than a day.

(In fact, children shouldn’t do severely “time restricted eating” or “intermittent fasting” that involves skipping breakfast, either, according to this study.)

• People with significant diagnoses shouldn’t fast without recommendation and supervision by your functional medicine practitioner.

• People with diabetes, on insulin, shouldn’t fast.

(If it were me, as noted earlier, I’d start with one of the options in How Can I Get the Benefits of Fasting, Without Actually Fasting. Before jumping right into a long water fast.)

Obese people are most likely to fast, and I’ve read of some fasting for 8 weeks or more. Obesity itself presents an enormous risk of death, and so do possibly even more extreme solutions like gastric bypass.

But those with extreme fat stores are also storing more toxins, as fat attracts chemical toxicity. So, likely all the risks of long-term fasting are much higher for obese people.

They should be under very close medical supervision. Because while it may be tempting to think “go big or go home” with the long water fasts, risk of cardiac arrhythmia and renal damage or hyperacidity is also higher.

What I Learned From Fasting

As I strip down broken parts and bits of organs and fat stores and muscle and tissues, a similar process occurs in me, emotionally and mentally.

I break down, a bit. And rebuild.

And this is why the spiritual seekers and mystics fast, for even longer periods of time than I do.

To allow spirit triumph over body, for a time. To bring the mortal body low, to humble it, so that only spirit is strong.

For many, fasting is a way to humble oneself to be more capable of giving thanks and worshiping divinity.

For me, too, it’s my shield against living in a world where I have to breathe cadmium and arsenic in the air, and occasionally, despite my significant efforts, eat genetically modified foods and refined foods with carcinogenic chemicals added, and drink water with plastics or antibiotics or fluoride in it.

In my weakness, I also learn how strong I am. I discover that I can do hard things. That I can mentally overcome the weakness of the flesh.

Amazingly, while my most recent 7-day fast was the hardest, I think—it was also the most emotionally cathartic.

I learned how my brain, deprived of fuel, affected the way I view others. I decided to observe it rather than judge it.

Basically, I was mad at everyone and everything, for two days, as energies and matter moved through me—another reason I’m glad I was at an ashram far from home.

This PubMed article explains why. Adrenaline is increased in many who fast for several days. (This also explains why I had a resting heart rate of 78, when my normal is 55, and the last few days of my fast, I felt my heart pounding in my chest.)

I was working on my laptop, and occasionally phone, and I found that things I would normally take in stride, provoked a surprising amount of irritability and flashes of anger. It lasted two days, and then I woke up, peaceful, the last morning.

My awareness was heightened, I thought a lot about my weaknesses and addictions, and I stared at them. Without shaming myself. Just observing.

I realized–without even tea, or chewing gum, to entertain my mouth and my senses–how many times, during any day, I do something to increase or decrease my energy, my anxiety, or my ability to rest.

It’s not like I’m taking depression meds or sleeping pills or painkillers or street drugs.

But I do drink coffee to power through an intense afternoon of work, and I do drink wine to lubricate a stressful social engagement with strangers.

I do jumping jacks next to my desk to manipulate my energy, and I play sports every morning not just because you’re supposed to break a sweat, for your health–but also for the adrenaline rush and endorphins I draft on, all day.

It is an interesting and useful exercise to fast for a week or two, where all these tactics are off the table. And I have nothing to rely on except my mind.

And I find that my mind is strong enough to conquer difficulties. This is good to know, because if we know one thing about Life, it’s that we will face serious challenges in the future.

The main thing I accomplish, then, when I fast, is strengthening my body and mind.

Next:  I made two Facebook Live videos during my most recent water fast, answering viewer questions and giving more detail. Watch them here:



Resources

Longo, Valter PhD. The Longevity Diet. Avery. 2018

Wells, Katie. My Experience with Water Fasting & Why I’ll Do It Again. Wellness Mama. 03/2018. https://wellnessmama.com/345549/water-fasting/

Sugarman, Joe. Are There any Proven Benefits to Fasting? Johns Hopkins Health Review. 2016. http://www.johnshopkinshealthreview.com/issues/spring-summer-2016/articles/are-there-any-proven-benefits-to-fasting

Wu, Suzanne. Fasting Triggers Stem Cell Regeneration of Damaged, Old Immune System. USC News. 06/2014. https://news.usc.edu/63669/fasting-triggers-stem-cell-regeneration-of-damaged-old-immune-system/

Hartman, ML. et al. Augmented growth hormone (GH) secretory burst frequency and amplitude mediate enhanced GH secretion during a two-day fast in normal men. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. 04/1992. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1548337

Johnson, James B. et al. Alternate Day Calorie Restriction Improves Clinical Findings and Reduces Markers of Oxidative Stress and Inflammation in Overweight Adults with Moderate Asthma. Free Radical Biology and Medicine. 03/2007. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S089158490600801X?via%3Dihub

Grantham-McGregor, S. Can the Provision of Breakfast Benefit School Performance? Food and Nutrition Bulletin. 06/2005. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16075563

Zauner, C. Resting energy expenditure in short-term starvation is increased as a result of an increase in serum norepinephrine. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. 06/2000. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10837292

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