#LIKE IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT IVE HAD AN ILLNESS FOR 2 YEARS

[religion-trauma]

eh this is a vent blog i can do whatever SO

LONG COVID FUCKING SUCKS BALLS

when i first heard it i was like "huh, that must suck. but it only lasts a few months so its not that bad"

AND THEN A YEAR WENT BY and scientists were like "oh fuck some people still have it. uh. oh no. it can last a while"

but I DIDNT KNOW THAT! I was living my life! And then I got covid for the second time. and it never fucking left. I haven't had my lungs be pain-free for a whole day in FUCKING YEARS

and the worst part? my general family doctor thinks its not a big deal. at least, that's what he ACTS like. he's like "oh i'm sure the constant pain ur in is just long covid. and i can't do anything phsycial that's immediate like medication sooo deal with it :) just exercise more :)."

next visit, 6 months later: "oh it's not gone? weird. it'll be gone in a few months. exercise so you can get stronger and banish it"

next visit, 6 months later: "ur still in pain and tired all the time? uh. exercise more."

next visit, 6 months later: "still?? u need to eat better and exercise more. ok bye."

me, next visit: "ya know what? it's been like 2 years. he's not gonna listen. i wont bother bringing it up"

so i stopped bring it up. i'm tired of him saying "exercise!" while i have repeatedly presented him symptoms that make it hard to do exercise anywhere near consistently. like. what even COULD he do if this turns out to be chronic? i know what he WOULD do. exercise exercise exercise. no other solutions offered, no advice on HOW to exercise with chest pain, just exercise.

[itsalwaysdark]

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

[ender-cloud]

That new TGS update made me physically ill holy shit! Spoilers under cut

I feel like we all knew that this would happen but I wasn’t actually ready for it, Like god Lanyon you truly were screwed over

THIS MADE ME LIKE AGAHBAGWGAVEVS!!!

Also after this the “I wanted to be the person you needed me to be” makes me just feel so agshabaggas JEKYLLLL!!! It broke my heart and im still not ok.

Even after jekyll admitted it was him Lanyon still wanted to find an excuse how it couldn’t be at first and it’s just like, Lanyon! You can’t be doing this to me man!

Also, just, Jekyll saying that Hyde was a mistake is a punch to the gut, because i get how he can think that but Hyde is still like a part of Jekyll he separated from himself! Does he think that part of himself was a mistake? Or does he think that ever separating Hyde from him was a mistake? Because these two things can have very different meanings.

If he thinks that part of himself was a mistake: he hates a part of himself that he cant control which is something a lot of people experience but its still not ideal, But its also Fucked up, Because Hyde has become his own person and Jekyll is acting like he Dosent exist, like Hyde can’t hear all of this

But on the other hand if he thinks it was a mistake separating Hyde from himself might mean that he can see that maybe it would be better if he still had that part with him and this shows his growth from who he used to be. Finally realizing that it still makes him, him, again something some people need to overcome in real life.

Though it is most likely the first option but i can only hope its the second

I know that Lanyon’s reaction is probably the most important but I really want to see Jaspers and Rachels reactions too because we havent even gotten a glimpse of them in the background and it’s just heightening my curiosity, because Rachel was close to both of them so she’s the one im most interested in after Lanyon.

ANYWAY! BACK TO THE PAIN!!!

Im going to be honest i think Lanyon is valid for this because yes it has been 2 years and He and Jekyll have been friends for long enough to where you would have this trust base relationship.

Also they just got together romantically which would fuck up Lanyons mind even more. Like way to go Jekyll breaking the foundation of trust in a relationship in your first day of being in one. I can see how he might feel like his feelings are being played with, Hyde would avoid him, and ive been mentioning this so often but like if someone you thought was your friend and they had an Alter ego that avoided you wouldnt you be hurt?

I feel like im shitting on Jekyll a lot, and I don’t mean to because I like Jekyll!! Dont get me wrong!!! But you have to admit that it is his fault, he’s not always the victim, its the people around him who’s being affected by his actions. It was Jekyll’s choice to continue to drink the potion, it was Jekyll’s choice not to tell Lanyon, there was no outside force making him do this.

And you can’t say that Hyde was making him continue to drink the potion because for 1; i doubt that in the beginning Hyde would be able to bother him that much only starting out, im sure it was another thing that developed over time with the potions use and 2; as we saw Jekyll could’ve thrown away those potions on his own terms at any time, he didn’t have to make more.

I just wanted to make this known because i feel like it needs to, do i like Jekyll? Yes. Do i feel bad for him? Yes. Do i think he’s the victim in the situation? No, because of the reasons above. But really, I don’t hate Jekyll, and its not like its always his fault, no, but in this situation it was his actions that lead to this.

I got really sidetracked so heres some of the other images i saved because this is getting really long.

Them both crying Makes this so much worse like, these two almost never show their emotions around people, and now in front of everyone they are about to breakdown, it just makes my chest tight, God dammit Sage this Chapter was painful

[cherryberry444]

december 19: have yourself a merry little christmas

link to series

❝ here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore, faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more.. ❞

word count: 1218

day 1

rhea

it was 6 days away from christmas and i couldn’t be more excited. this year, instead of spending the holidays with my stress inducing family, i’d be spending it with my second family and best friends. my childhood best friend nina and her girlfriend thalia and my best friend clarisse and her boyfriend chris.

i know, this already sounds like ill be fifth wheeling but don’t fret, i dragged my best friend and chris’ brother luke along to keep me company. he’s my total opposite, mysterious, pessimistic, non chalant and he’s always wearing a fucking leather jacket. whereas i love pink, art and looking on the bright side. i also love christmas but i literally had to beg luke to come on this trip with me because he hates christmas..well, maybe he doesn’t hate it but i haven’t heard a single good thing come out of his beautiful mouth about christmas since we talked about this vacation..

did i mention ive had an earth crushing and soul shattering crush on luke since our freshman year in college? yeah… the girls clown me for it. they say i need to give up my bad boy fantasy and realize that luke doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. but i disagree, i think he can be romantic and i think he can be a christmas person, i just have to reel it out of him! he’ll never admit it but i know he has a soft spot for me and with some hard work and persuasion i think i can change his mind.

“ughhh another fucking christmas song?!” luke groaned as he looked over at me from the driver's seat. he insisted on driving the rest of the way because he deems himself the best driver and trusts no one else after seeing how we’ve driven. clarisse has terrible road rage, thalia speeds like hell, nina texts and drives, chris pretends as if he’s about to crash as a joke and i don't even know how to follow maps correctly.

“it’s fucking christmas, luke!” i cursed back from the passengers’ seat. sorry, there was no way in hell there’d be a road trip and i wasn’t going to be in full control of aux, the rest of them could suggest songs of course but i had the real say.

“don't be mean, luke” nina yelled from the middle seat.

“yeah you know she's the queen of aux” chris added.

luke scoffed. “fuck that rule, i’m the driver!” he said, reaching to skip the song on the screen.

“exactly, eyes on the road, 10-2.” i said, swatting his hand away.

“says you of all people” luke bit back, but he did as i said nonetheless.

“faithful friends who are dear to ussss gather near to ussss once mooore” i sang along, pretending my phone was a microphone as i looked over at him.

“don't distract me while im driving please” he said looking at the road.

“not my fault im so entrancing” i shrugged

luke shook his head.

“are we there yetttughhh” clarisse groaned.

“no!” everyone said in unison.

“we’re like 3 hours out” luke added.

“where even are we?” nina asked.

“somewhere in colorado” i answered.

“why didn't we fly again?” thalia asked.

“because a road trip is soooo much funner and better for family time!” i squealed.

“says the person who has to drive the least” chris said as everyone murmured in agreement.

“why is everyone acting weird towards me?” i asked.

“cus you've played six fucking christmas songs in a row!” luke yells.

by the time we pulled into the larue’s timeshare, it was practically pitch black but the snowy mountains shined faintly in close distance. it was freezing fucking cold when clarisse opened the door to go check in at the front office. she came back after about 20 more minutes of agony with a couple keycards and we drove over to our place. i was still so shocked that clarisse had somehow convinced her mom to let us stay here for the holidays, but i've honestly never seen clarisse not get what she wants.

we shivered and groaned as we walked up the stairs to our room. well, the girls that is, the boys were going up and down to bring all our stuff up, as real men should!

“sooo which room is ours?” thalia asked, referring to her and nina.

“i get the masters of course!.oh and i forgot actually, it’s just three bedrooms with one bed each, so you’ll have to share with luke, buttercup” clarisse smiled, patting my back.

“the fuck?!” i cursed

the girls all laughed in unison.

“you guys are children”

“shouldnt you be more excited about this? this is how you make your mooovee hmm?” thalia said, nudging me teasingly.

i shoved her off of me. “are you guys ill? he’ll probably just take the couch”

“that’s true” clarisse sighed.

“how unfortunate” thalia said.

“fuck the both of you” i said flipping them and nina off before the door opened.

“okay, where am i putting my stuff?” luke asked as he rolled in his suitcase.

“that one” clarisse pointed in my bedroom.

his face scrunched up.

“but..rhea’s stuff’s in there already..”

“yeah. 3 bedrooms.” clarisse said to him like it wasn’t insane.

luke squinted again. “you guys are funny, i’ll take the couch.” he said, placing his things in the living room.

i was expecting that of course but the little hope i had built up died in me at that moment. i tried to keep a cool and collected expression as our friends laughed.

“what a gentleman” chris said.

“yeah, thanks luke” i said not really meaning it at all.

a few hours later, i sat on the other couch watching luke make his makeshift bed on the other couch.

“you sure you don’t wanna just come snuggle with me?” i asked jokingly and yet wholeheartedly.

“rhé i’ll be fine, it’s not a big deal” he said, finishing and sitting on top of his blankets.

“it’s just..sleeping on the couch is so depressing i feel like and you already hate christmas enough as it is. i just don’t want your experience to be any worse” i said going to sit next to him.

“rhea, whether i sleep in a bed or a couch i’m going to hate christmas just the same.”

i scoff. “you fucking grinch”

luke puts his hand over his heart. “such foul language, princess”

“such foul attitude, castellan. what can i do to get you to love christmas?”

“probably nothing. christmas i am forever in disdain to” luke said dramatically.

i roll my eyes. “i bet you i can change your mind by christmas morning. i’ll make it our own personal 7 days of christmas.”

“7 days of christmas, huh? you bet? and what do i get when you’re wrong?” he said with a smirk, moving closer to me.

“no money or anything involved just the pure satisfaction when i am right” i said with my chin up.

“well i personally can’t wait to be satisfied, when i win” he said, his voice sounding even deeper and sexier than usual.

my breath hitches. “in your dreams, goodnight, castellan” i say getting up to head to bed.

“goodnight, princess.”

[jovianaquarium]

ok so my lovely mutual @icarrymany dared me to post proof of my rock/min collection so this is his fault >:)

im not gonna go into depth on all of the samples bc 1. i dont remember the details on all of them lol and 2. it would take. forever

so instead ill talk a little abt one or two of them per section :3

first up: tumbled minerals!

i have a bunch more of these but after becoming a geology student they kind of piss me off bc raw minerals often look way cooler and tumbling removes the crystal habit (and also makes them harder for me to identify hgjhfd)

first image, from left clockwise: (possibly) blue lace agate, chrysocolla. labradorite, snowflake obsidian, moss agate, brown agate, and two samples of tigers eye

2nd image: up close picture of one of the tigers eye crystals, showing its lighter banding

3rd image: up close picture of the labradorite from a different angle, showing its pale green luster

my absolute favorite mineral ever is labradorite also!! i think its luster is gorgeous and ive heard it represents transformation and change, and i first got this sample back when i had just come out as trans :)

i dont really have a lot to say abt these unfortunately lol

anyway. next is fossils!!

1st image, clockwise from bottom left: trilobite cast fossil, tumbled stromatolite, dinosaur bone (? got this one at a mineral stall and the dude said it was a dino bone, didnt think to ask details lol), plant fossil, coral fossil, assorted fossil molds (mold as in taking the shape of something, not spores) in wackestone, mosasaurus tooth, crocodile (?) tooth, 2 ammonites, a turtle scute, a crinoid stem, and a (broken) orthoceras

2nd image: up close pic of the assorted fossil molds, which include horn corals (circular with ridges toward center, hole in middle), crinoid stems (cylindrical with ridges perpendicular to long sides), and shells

3rd image: up close pic of larger ammonite, with iridescent luster due to aragonite (a polymorph of calcite) replacing the calcite of the shell

4th image: up close pic of dubious tooth. i found this on a field trip about a year ago while looking for shark teeth. this is not a shark tooth. idk what it is. i think it might be from a crocodile but i havent been able to fully identify it lol

now.... raw minerals!!!!!

1st image, clockwise from left: moss agate, talc, serpentinite (this one is a metamorphic rock but i accidentally put it with the minerals and dont want to retake the pics. other geologists you may come kill me), two calcite samples, and a tiny topaz @ramones2 gave me

2nd pic: close up on the topaz crystal, which is light orange (if u leave these in the sun they get bleached and lose their color </3)

3rd pic: close up on one of the calcites. its crystals are a bit more squared and close-knit than the next calcite, and appear more white in color. there are also some small purple fluorite crystals mixed in. i traded with a classmate for this one lol

4th pic: close up on the other calcite. this ones crystals are more rounded and transparent.

5th pic: close up on the serpentinite. serpentinite is metamorphosed from peridotite, which makes up the earth's mantle (if youve ever heard that the mantle is actually green, that is true!! the green comes from olivine mostly, but also some pyroxenes). when peridotite is lifted up to the surface and comes into contact with water, olivine gets very unhappy and serpentinizes, or hydrothermally metamorphoses (water + some heat + olivine = cool as fuck snakeskin rock)

6th pic: another close up on the serpentinite, this time wet. you can see the serpent-like pattern a bit better.

finally: rocks :3

1st image, clockwise from bottom left: amphibolite, sedimentary rock with calcite vein (i dont remember what this one is lmao), malachite-bornite ore, iron-stained sandstone(?) with chalcedony/agate, phyllite, sandstone trace fossil of a burrow, and meteoric rock possibly with iron

2nd pic: close up on the ore, showing the malachite vein. it's almost powdery, with a gradient of light blue on the edges to teal in the center

3rd pic: another close up on the ore, showing the bornite vein. it's iridescent like an oil slick, with the main color being purple. this one is often called peacock ore for its colors :)

4th pic: . im gonna be honest i have no fucking clue bro. i think the mineral in it is agate/chalcedony (the lighter gray/white areas) and the red parts are an iron-stained sedimentary rock, but i forget if its siltstone or sandstone or smth else. idk. it looks cool.

bonus: extra pic of my rocks for further proof of collection

hope u enjoyed o7

[ovaruling]

negative self talk incoming for whoever needs that idek

regular daily update that i regret having my like 99999 cosmetic surgeries so much and i dont even want to put the exhaustive energy into accepting my face and body atp anymore bc they remain utter strangers who i hate

and despite all of the feminist theory i have read and comprehended and applied to the way i see the world i STILL cannot rid myself of this very specific form of self-hatred and im not even being defeatist when i say i truly know that i will never be at peace bc of the choices i have made. like how can i ever be ok with this. i’d have to be lobotomized to be cool with this

and even besides that the chronic physical pain and damage to my actual nervous system won’t allow me a moment of forgetfulness. like on an amazing day where i’m full of caffeine or xanax i can MAYBE forget what i look like for an hour but it’s impossible to forget that i literally cant physically feel my entire torso and abdomen and buttocks and my upper back and my inner thighs and upper arms and underarms and my jaw and cheeks

but also at the same time i can feel incredible levels of stabbing numb shocks of pain in all of them lmfao.

exercising helps for a bit and reminds me that i can at least move my body around but i always gotta come back to reality where i have to confront that i’m genuinely permanently ill and legitimately brain damaged. like neurologically

and bc of that i went from being a normal adult 10 years ago to now i cant hold a job, cant go back and attend school, cant drive a car anymore, need IV treatments weekly, no independence, no ability to even volunteer for longer than an hour at local animal shelters before i start having problems bc i cant explain to anyone why i need to lie down every 2 hours or else i legitimately go numb and pass out no matter how little exertion im doing, no future where i can help the world the way i want to. i cant even read 2 chapters of a fucking favorite book that i LOVE without getting dizzy for no fuckjng reason. i have to REST from reading a fucking BOOK

and doctors are just like “oh well that’s what happens when you fucking almost die two times from elective surgery lol kinda your fault tbh. you really should’ve just accepted how viciously hated by men your body was. but the human body is so mysterious huh!!! like this is crazy dude lmao. 🤪 so yeah here’s a pamphlet for a support group that doesn’t really fit your needs and some medication that won’t work bc we still don’t really know how to diagnose or treat plastic surgery victims like this bc technically you weren’t in a car crash or anything so we don’t really have enough research rn to fully apprehend what’s going on w your mysterious ass. also you had more surgeries than most ppl ever will be stupid enough to undertake so like we have no idea what to do w you lol!!!!!! there isn’t really data that fits your situation but maybe in 30 years 😌”

just in case anyone was wondering if i changed my mind on cosmetic surgery being true evil!!!!!! lol

ok sorry for the pity party i just really am feeling the weight of it all rn

[lesbianslovebts]

Negative vent post. Uplifting words welcomed.

My gramma had an open wound on her leg for a while that finally closed. But neither us nor the nurses who regularly came out to the house knew that staph had gotten into her blood. Then it got into her spine, so her back was killing her for several days at home. We had to help her out of bed one day, it was so bad. We got her into her wheelchair, and then she thought she could go to the bathroom by herself. Well, we were stupid to let her try. She fell between the toilet and the tub. 2 EMTs, a cop, and like 6 firefighters came to drag her out of the house and ambulance her down to the hospital. On top of the existing back pain, she had a compression fracture from the fall. We found out about all the other stuff then, too.

She was in the hospital for about 2 weeks getting serious IV antibiotics to clear out the infection in her blood. They put a PICC line in for her to continue receiving intravenous antibiotics for 6 more weeks to clear out the infection from her spine. My mom had to fight the staff on multiple occasions to keep them from sending her home. Finally, they sent her to a transitional care unit where she would continue getting the antibiotics and start physical therapy. Except the TCU fucked up her warfarin dosage and made her INR skyrocket to 12. (Her blood was dangerously thin.) She went back to the hospital according to protocol.

Then Sunday, she fell out of bed at the hospital while trying to sit up. The staff were there and apparently witnessed it. Since it was a "gentle" fall and they did an "assessment," they decided not to do imaging of her back. My mom spoke with several people, all but begging them to do imaging of her broken, infected back to see if more damage had been done. One nurse was an absolute bitch to my mom. So she had her brother call to see if they would listen to a Man's Voice. They agreed to it, but then my gramma refused because it hurts too much to lie flat on her back on the hard MRI table. We tried to talk her into it, saying they could give her extra pain meds before starting, but she refused.

So tomorrow, they're going to send her to another TCU to continue antibiotics and PT. But who the fuck knows what happened to her back! The PT will probably do more damage than help, and that's if she even agrees to do the PT. If she refuses, I'm sure they'll kick her out. But we can't take care of her at home with this level of serious injury. My mom and I both work full time to keep the bills paid. My brother is on disability. My gramma has no money. We'd have to send her to a hellhole of a home, and if that happens, she'll resent us to death. Literally, she will just stop caring and die. And I wouldn't blame her! I can't even imagine her pain right now! Mental and physical!

On top of that, our house is falling apart because we are all multiply disabled. I'm immunocompromised and suffering from a severe cold that I picked up from my nephew despite being masked around him at all times. With my immune system, I could get lucky and be better in 1-2 weeks, or it could be 6-8 weeks. I only have 1 day left of PTO, which I have to save for a True Emergency, as if none of this is an emergency. Thankfully, my PTO renews on June 1st, but I have to make it through 7 more days of work like this.

I can't even begin to get into the household dynamics right now, but my mom has ruined her own health and aged 10 years in the past 1.5 years since my brother moved in. She will do anything for him if he asks, no matter how it destroys her. But if I ask for something, she is no longer there for me like she used to be. She racked up credit card debt for my brother and his lawyer for the divorce. She lets his kid come over every weekend, never mind the migraines, meltdowns, and illnesses it has caused me, and she will continue to do so. Even though I no longer have meltdowns and have grown fond of the little guy, he is a danger to my health. (It's not his fault! He's gonna get sick like all kids do, and his mom is an anti-vaxxer.)

I can't move out. I can't afford it, and even though my mom isn't able to be there for me like she used to, she still helps me with some things. (I am autistic and need support.) I love my mom. I resent her for her choices. I fear losing her above all else. She's my best friend. I am angry that she won't take care of herself. I watch her age and decline in health and burst into tears. We've made it through so much together. And somehow, we'll get through this, too, but I am so scared and tired.

[fagsex]

im just so tired of no one caring im in pain at this point like genuinely. my doctor cant remember my name or even the country i was born in. my family is annoyed throughout the day and night because im always coughing and i cant do anything and i just laze about in my bed all day like a slob or whatever. no one i mean fucking no one in my group of irl friends has messaged me about where i am or what im doing since ive missed school. people i sit next to and talk to every single day and for nearly three years. and no one cares. i wont even see them again probably ever in like two months and even after i return i wont be able to go anywhere with them.

im scared to go anywhere or eat anything and everyone hates me for being lazy and treats me like its my fault i got fucking pneumonia or some shit. you know where i got it? taking off school to take care of my little brother so my parents could get shit done. i have 2 written and 3 oral final exams in the next month. then 2 more written and the grand oral in june. and yet next month im still skipping a week of school to take care of my siblings again. and theyre still pissed im going to take a gap year after i graduate. (note: im not like 17 or some shit i had to this redoubling BS when i arrived because i didnt speak any fucking french).

im just so tired. everything hurts. i pant like a dog when the airs too cold. i cough when i lay down to sleep and when i sleep and when i wake up and when i look at a dust molecule wrong. i already have chronic migraines, now this. im just so fucking tired and i hurt so much and no one cares. very strange! at least theres football in a couple months. and i got 30 bucks for 12 hours of babysitting my siblings without full lung capacity or internet. maybe ill get a cool shirt. i guess

[cogbreath]

not a vent but it is a ramble of personal things but

im seriously so so like... shocked idk. i didnt expect this to happen. it seems like its really gonna happen. but im nervous. theres been times before where it was like. my mom was talking about how he might not be allowed 2 live here anymore and i was so hyped but then nothing came of it. i cant have that happen again. im 21 years old man. and i dont have a life because of the shit living arrangements we have going on bc of him. if hes really fed up and leaving this is gonnabe so fucking huge.......... like i said before i want his room so i can expand my waifu shrines 😈 ... lol. im being lighthearted. i seriously had 0 hope for a while. and idk. i once had a serious breakdown in front of my mom wherre i admitted that i felt like i was genuinely gonna end up killing him. and tbh i thought that there was a chance that ended up being the only way out. im really happy if this is true and im getting an actual happy ending for once. ive been. wanting this so desperately since i was a kid guys. seriously. i hate that man so much. hes a disgusting abusive asshole with 0 compassion + he m*lested me. hes got mad health problems that my mom manages for him and i wonder if shes worried about how he'll do on his own with that. personallly i dont care. i dont care. i want him out. i dont want my mama being his caregiver nomore. cruel cruel man. for all my life ive watched that man degrade her ans berate her and expect her to serve him afterwards ..... ive had to deal with overhearing him harassing her for never having sex with him.. which is something that was always extra painful for me because of my own sexual trauma.... theres honna be a lot of scary changes like my mom says i have to get a job again. im really not not good at working due to my disabilities. but i could hold a job for a year before i ended up losing it. it was very trauamtic. i dont want to work again. but i will be freed from the familial agony. its a lot guys. seriously. ive been so so so isolated and disconnected from eberything and everyone because of it for all my life. ive never been able to truly be a person because of it. it became my job to help my mother emotionally and mentally to degrees that no child really should havr to because she had no one else. i dont fault or resent her at all for that and im happy to defend her and help her and listen to her. its a lot though and especially when i was younger. also

ill probably do drugs less often because i wont be trying to drown out another fight theyre having.

im nervous because im a a psychotic autistic agoraphobic and i will have to be going outside now. but. i will be going outside now... which means having a life. my mom will be with me still. i will still live with her and probably will most my life because of my circumstances. but i love her. im okay with having to maybe do some scary things because of that. dude. theres a convention near me soon that i was hoping to go to. i kinda just had it as a pipe dream though. because basiclaly i have no ability or opportunities to leave the house. but now i will. im really hopping that this is rwal and i'll be able to go... its my goal. i want to make a misty monsoon cosplay. i really do. im crying rn bexause im just so excited to get a chance at things. trust me thougu im still gonna be a asocial shutin first and foremost. dont worry guys i wont be abandoning you. im a dedicated poster. but you know. im gonna be posting under better circumstances inshallah.

also this is a lot for me spiritually. my dad is heavily islamophobic and ive not been able to safely be open because of him. ive prayed and prayed a lot to allah to help make things to where i can finally do that. i really really feel like allah has given me a great gift here im so happy allahu akbar

[s0lk]

venting part 2 cuz i exceeded the character limit. cw for brief suicide/sh mention, kinda creepy behaviour from my mother and uhh. wanting to decompose?

actually yknow what. i have to stop blaming myself and the way my brain is wired for that. because its not my fucking fault. i had no control over how everyone treated me the first eleven years of my life. it wasnt my fault. but goddamn does it feel like my fault. it feels like everything is my fault. but theres nothing at all that i can do to fix it is there? i cant stop my seven year old self from playing in the mud and collecting bugs and hugging people too much. hell i WANT to be that kid again. and believe me ive tried. but when i try it feels fucking awful because guess what? seven year old me hated herself too. that little girl wanted to be like everyone else, she already knew she wasnt made right. she just didnt know why. she didnt know she was autistic. she didnt know that developments in her body would cause her suicide contemplating levels of dysphoria. hell she didnt know what dysphoria WAS. she didnt know the mother she looked up to so much, who she brushed the curls clean out of her hair for, would still see her as her baby girl so many years later. she didnt know how hateful her mother could be while being so kind. and im glad she didnt know. im not saying i want my younger self to have known all the shit that would happen to her when she got older. but i really really wish she hadn’t been made to hate herself so much. fuck it. im talking about the shit my mother does. even though its genuinely the most shameful part of my life. she doesnt give me a single ounce of privacy. theres no locks on any of the doors besides the entrance. she walks in on me changing or showering or whatever the fuck and she doesnt give a damn and im supposed to act like i dont either but i DO. i HATE it. i hate that she wants me to sleep in her bed. i hate that i dont even have proper pyjamas at her house because shes a fucking nudist or whatever and she wants me to be one too i guess. i dont want to have to see her tomorrow. or ever. i cant handle it, not right now. i really cant. i think if i have to go back there ill end up tearing my guts out and bleeding out on the kitchen floor. god i want to carve myself open. it’s been too long. or maybe ill just run away and go live in the fucking forest or whatever. i think thatd be nice. i would honestly prefer spending the rest of my life with nothing but birds and squirrels and plants and fungi than live another week in that flat. i think id prefer it to literally anything else right now. i dont want to have to be a person any more. i dont want to have to have friends and a boyfriend and all these stupid obligations. i dont want any of it. i want to be by myself forever and ever. i want to lie down in the dirt until i just like. decompose. i want bugs and mycelium and bacteria to break down my muscles and bones and take my nutrients and make me something beautiful rather than whatever the fuck i am. i would honestly rather feel my entire being slowly decay around me than feel the way i do right now.

[ishouldgetadiary]

im at the point of seriously, seriously, needing to lose my virginity and have sex with somebody. because the sheer amount of horniness that can plague me at random, mostly at night, is too insane, and i know it's because i haven't done it before, and i just wanna get it over with and be disappointed so i can stop. like, it's gotten so bad that my otherwise firm lesbianism is getting shaken and it's stupid. im at the point of i will have sex with almost anyone as long as it isnt my hand. i walk around thinking im not getting game because im fat but it's actually probably because im (undiagnosed, speculative) autistic. it's so funny when i tell a new friend that oh yeah, ive literally never done anything romantic with anyone in my life and ive never dated anyone and they go, 'how! you're gorgeous/a catch!' and every time i have to be like queen have you forgotten i am weird and off-putting and not very sociable. groups of people incite a primal fear within me.

speaking of my lesbianism being shaken-- i still don't think i could seriously be in a relationship with a man, but im back in the fucking building again with what i cant tell is genuine feelings or comphet and im being driven insane. im at the point of, should i just consider myself completely fluid in both gender and sexuality? just a blob of nothing that changes on the situation? because it feels more accurate than anything else right now. because honestly, why the hell am i having a dream with a guy friend i had a (comphet(?) crush on when i was like, 12-13 and only contacted me again january last year after minimal to no contact for 2 years?? and with some very very genuinely sweet messages that basically completely made me rethink however i thought he must think of me AND WHEN I HAVENT EVEN SEEN HIM AGAIN IN PERSON SINCE HE LEFT HIGH SCHOOL EARLY?!!?!? dont get me wrong, i fucking tried because i did want to properly be friends again, invited him to a few things and he couldn't or didnt want to go, so i was like, guess ill go fuck myself. at most i admit fault for claiming that id play x y z video game with him when im not busy and then not, but i have been busy. and like, i do want to see him again in person to just be proper friends again, but how do i even broach that topic (again), now? thing that's fucking me up is that i also bet this is either not a thing in his brain or something small whereas basically every moment on instagram or interaction i have, im going, 'can i break through further here?' 'is it even worth caring about?' i did a general relationship/friendship tarot reading a few months ago with one of my friends about him just out of curiosity and it said to give distance so i will continue to do that. mind you i also think that this is all me displacing my feelings about an ex-friend of mine i had vaguely homoerotic feelings and undertones for... but she completely wrecked me emotionally and im 'over it' but also if she reached out i dont know what id do. but overall i think im just constantly struggling with my desire to be desired and how nobody does desire me but that's fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[itsalwaysdark]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[pwblogarchive]

January 2005

January 2, 2005

the dog update. so alot of people seemed concerned about marley and that made me feel better. he puked every five minutes for a day or so and then went to the emergency vet. there they injected him with saline solution that made his back feel all bumpy when you petted him. now he's doing better. thank god i don't have to punch anyone cause i'm pretty little and don't like to get punched back. marley is doing pretty good now too. he's not bumpy anymore so he's back to his handsome self. all the chick dogs think he's super hot, trust me. my other dog pandora tries to hump him all the time. it's pretty gross you know. but you can't fault them for being in love. like that one disney movie lady and the tramp.

i got a new years wish about you.

- petey

January 6, 2005

chicago to los angeles survival guide: uncrustables, XOskeletons, capri suns, seinfeld seasons 1 and 2, the weakerthans, etc.

how about how the transformers was supposed to take place in 2005.

now it's here. where are all the fucking autobots.

love peter

- petey

January 7, 2005

“you are the tiny in my heart”

i haven't "blogged" anything in here in quite some time. i guess first off i must adress that i had loads of fun on our last five day stint with the midtowners, acadameisters and the gym class-o-sauruses. seeing all the people there at the shows caring about us and being totally rad and cool and awesome makes me smile from the left to right. no half smiles here. it was an awesome time for sure. anyways, im home now. it snowed tons the past few days here. i had to shovel at least a foot of snow off my car yesterday just so i could get groceries. i framed a star wars poster for my room the other day. im really happy with how it turned out. nothing else really going on. just been spending time with some friends and seeing my family. ive seen my dog a little. he's big. quite large in fact. im sorry this is a short and crappy entry but i have to go to the bathroom so bad. ill make a better one later. i promise.

January 9, 2005

“wake the dead”

i promised a more well written journal entry, and one shall be written, right now. first off, ive been home since decemeber 29th and i must say i'm lovin' it, much like the people who gorge themselves with the royal with cheese while shooting hoops. but in all seriousness, ive been hanging with my friends, seeing my family, watching my dog pee on the carpet, and it's all good. so i ate a lot today. sue me. that's right, i said sue me. just like you used to in 5th grade. and you know what? i'm still freakin hungry. i'm sitting here at my apartment, it's quarter after 5 am, theres a scary looking corpse-like women on tv telling me how to discover free money, and i have to be up in less than 6 hours for a fun filled trip with some of my friends to the field museum, or as it should be called, the natural history museum. i'm going to touch dino bones. i cleaned out my car a few days ago to find nothing of interest except i guess i spilled some coke everywhere and forgot to clean it up and my car was very syrupy. ew. funny thing happened today, i was leaving to go to my friend's place to play some card games and enjoy spicey chinese food that made my tounge cry, when this awesome homeless couple was hanging out by the garbage can in back of my place. they were really cool. they gave me one of their beers which i think i left in my friends fridge, and we talked about my car for a while because they were suprised someone had a black toyota rather than a white or red one. they assumed i had a black car because i wore dark clothes. they also thought i was a "computer whiz". i just nodded. they were really nice. i felt bad i didn't have money to give them. i also felt bad taking a beer, but i wouldve felt just as bad turning it down. it was kind of awkward. but none the less very pleasent folks. so im putting some cds on my computer to put on my ipod. im gonna continue on that path and then head to the resting place. nights.

currently enjoying:

music:

m83-dead cities, red seas and lost ghosts

the dears-no cities left

nick drake-pink moon

darkest hour-hidden hands of a saddist nation

(sorry, nothing new)

dvd:

the micheal gondry. chris cunningham, spike jonze dvd set

south park season 3

garden state

books:

none my friend

other:

-cooking steak

-putting up my empire strikes back poster after i framed it

-playing apple to apple

-having ipod parties with my one friend who would hit me in the goods if i said his/her name, so we'll just call this person 'sanders'

January 10, 2005

“its funny the way people only say stuff like "you could never be replaced" right before they replace you”

the sky is out again. i let myself get drawn into airing the dirty laundry in this funny place we call the internet again. and as much as i say "never again"- i am sure it will happen. once again proof that i am just as flawed, if not more, than anyone else. that being said. i feel happy right now- okay, like sunny and 75 degrees. thanks for that. we've got all kinds of plans that no one knows about. go listen to the new academy is song over at www.purevolume.com/theacademyis

what it looks like from the valley: Its been pouring rain here for four days straight- this isn’t a metaphor for a thing, It’s just how it goes. Even the sewers are sick of it- they’re spitting water back out. the city’s in a suspicious green light not quite haunted but definitely considering it. The boarded up windows aren’t for keeping anything out, they’re for keeping secrets like treasures inside. The basement window is cracked like a spiders web only without the queen in the middle. I pull it up and slip inside. Breathe in a hundred years of disappointment in the form of dust and water stained paper. These places are never quite like in dreams or movies but they are gold none the less. What the fuck could a kid like me ever know about LOnelyS ANGELES. I just want you to know the only reason I ever had double standards is because I cant stand the thought of just one of anything, it just feels so lonely. Pull the chain on a light that doesn’t work- pretty much that sums it up. Climb creaking stairs to rooms that used to be alive. The sunlight cuts in green-white between boards on the windows. We’re not getting out of this one. Its times like this that feel safe to be all alone. Because its my choice. I am the boarded up windows. I am the old man asleep on the porch across the street, dreaming in black and white. take a screwdriver out to fix all the bad habits that I had foolishly broken in anger- There is a chest in the corner. I crack it open and it breathes deep like it has come back to life. i read "There are two sides to digging up the past- pros: you remember things you had forgotten about, cons: you remember things you had forgotten about". Sit here on the floor barely breathing in all the dust hanging in the air like gray and brown stars. Think about the way none of these stories are finished ever because that’s how I am. I cant close the door on a thing. I just sit back in the cut and wait to be called out. never putting down the last period. Never signing off.

you feel like a new sweater on the first day of school- perfect but nervous-and tonight is just off of rocket sHIPS.

January 11, 2005

so we heard that the fob xmas cards from the tour are being sold on ebay. we think that is bullshit. they were always meant to be free for our fans and friends. we have some left so if you send a self addressed stamped envelope to korean tom cruise he will send you one. head over to his livejournal for that. www.livejournal.com/~asiandan

do not pay for them online! 

p.s. today i told patrick he needed to turn down the patitude.

- petey

January 12, 2005

ive got my stitches stitched, ive got my fixes fixed

so an actual update. so pretty much our dates consist of: i dream. i wake up at around 10 and watch lifetime movies for an hour. then i yell into patrick's room cause i am pretty much his mom out here. we then get into the car, not talking because we're both kind of grumpy in the morning. luckily the oldies station is badass out here and we become best buds again when we sing along to UB40's "i can't help falling in love..." and tony bennet's "it's not unusual" or whatever it's called. the car pretty much becomes this sweet vegas lounge. when we get to the studio, i go right to computer and pretend to work on lyrics but pretty much just play this game called runescape where i get to kill goblins and barbarian women. patrick goes and works on guitar. we eat deltaco which is like taco bell only better (if thats even possible). we then go and work on vocals whcih mostly just consists of me and patrick making fun of eachother and doing imitations of eachotherback and forth. we have some cool guests on the record, some suprises. one is flying in from chicago tommorrow, we are pretty excited. we finished a song today called "my name is david ruffin and these are the temptations"- you either get it or you don't. the record is gonna be called: from under the cork tree. again, it refers to something we think is pretty amazing. i need to get back to eating burritos and killing goblins.

peter

January 13, 2005

“bass boost”

my friend drew and i are sitting here on seperate computers. im typing a lot and drew is messing with his ipod. i got the newest mos def cd finally and i love it. i also got the todd barry cd which comes with a dvd. its extremely hilarious. on top of that, i rewarded myself with season one of x-files. not much else to report. all i have is jibberish. we both know it. im sure you feel the same way, but unfortunatly you are hungry for more words and i have the ability to feed them to you spoonful by spoonful. im worried im getting lazy. ive been sitting around and thinking about it, i recently finished doing my part of the record, and we did our 5 day tour, and that was all amazing. by the way, someone asked on our messageboard (yes i read it), what me and andy are doing in the studio. we finished tracking our stuff and are at home playing eachother in nhl 2005. anyway,now i have nothing to do, and thats cool for a while, but now im extra lazy. i mean, ive been sleeping until 5pm soley because i wouldnt know what to do if i woke up any earlier than that, so i stay up extra late so i sleep extra late. thats gonna fuck me over soon. i am excited to go out to la again, even if its for a few days. that should be nice. at least the weather will be a redeeming quality compared to the current downpour chicago is enduring. i dunno, im not bored, just worried im getting into a habit of laziness. i hope not. im gonna go to bed in 4 hours. bye!

January 14, 2005

i cant stop/stand myself

new photos and love

January 16, 2005

“in a world of sluts i keep the wet dream alive”

sorry the lj is over for now. i read everything you liked/disliked about yourselves so i feel like it went out really well. thank you for sharing that with me. though towards the end there was too much fighting and ridiculous stuff being said- including calling my friends sluts and all. i can'[t control anonymous posters except by deleting the entire thing- and you've heard it before you can say whatever you want about me but as soon as it involves my friends, i wont deal with it. it's just not what i want to read- instead i am going to read: the stranger by Camus- i'd recommend it to you. on our messageboard recommend one to me and then go outside and play in the sun or the snow depending on where you live.

cause you aint got nobody and i aint got nobody either- so lets be alone together.

January 17, 2005

“namedropper namefucker”

on my daily quest to find idiocy in human nature, i have come to a final conclusion: that many people out there are just vegetables and do not take the time to think or learn, but rather to repeat hackneyed concepts and thoughts that they have heard from a much wiser being. and usually these versions of what they have heard are botched and have been through the telephone game so many times that by the time they repeat them themselves, they come out usually as fart noises. i guess im just in a bad mood. but the only things in life i find to be genious are george lucas, jrr tolkien, morrissey and david cross. and if you think the new star wars movies suck, why don't you try and come up with different worlds, a complete history, and array of creatures and characters, and everything else it takes to make such an elaborate world that star wars is. im sick of people hating on phantom menace and attack of the clones. i cant wait until revenge of the sith comes out so everyone watches and just gets the shit knocked out of them. seriously, if the force and lightsabers arent good enough for you, then you seriously need to re-evaluate your life. anyways, i love you all and this is has nothing to do with you. it just has to do with the haters and the half-glass empty assholes who want to make the world a bummer.

January 19, 2005

“your lack of faith is disturbing”

if anyone is complaing about the "corny" level of star wars episode 1 and 2, watch episode 4,5 and 6 and try to tell me mark hamill wasn't pretty much the cheesiest dude on earth. plus, let me relay this harrison ford/carey fischer conversation at the end of empire strikes back that even though it's cool, harkens back to the essence of cheese: leia "i love you", han, "i know". i rest my case friends. cgi's aside. and no one is arguing that jar jar was awesome, but no one ever brings up the gay droid marriage between c3p0 and r2d2. im not trying to compare jar jar, but just think about it. take care!

January 20, 2005

“more…”

im quite bored and im going to continue with this. this is in response to our beloved message board. first off, someone mentioned that the original star wars weren't corny at the time of their release. just because something is corny doesn't mean it isn't good. original trilogy was delightfully corny by past and present standards. talk to my parents, they saw all three in the theaters and will tell you the same. second, qui-gon jinn was totally undeveloped and one of my least favorite jedi to grace the films. hayden as anakin rules cause he's super pissed off and he's totally gonna flip out in episode three. look at his huge flip out in episode two: when he went on a tusken raider massacre. that was excellent. anyways, i cant wait for lightsaber technology. sign me up for the testing. cut my arms off, i just want to see that thing in action. am i a big enough nerd to sit down and figure out the star wars theme? yes. well, most of it. i could probably play it with my vader mask but that thing is a bit to small for my head and makes my face sweaty. my big nose makes it hard to wear. oh, and thank you liz for the info on darth tater. im gonna have to pick that guy up as soon as it hits. its darling. i do lots of bad lightsaber and spaceship noises when im bored or when i space out (no pun intended). i have a list of star wars things that ive been compiling in my head for everyone who likes star wars, minus the obvious ones like watching the trilogy:

-check out imdb.com and search under the star wars movies and check out the trivia, really interesting stuff about people they were going to originally cast, original versions of charcaters and such

-if you're into video games, most of the star wars games out there are really lackluster but there are a few that i love. both knights of the old republic and knights of the old republic II: the sith lords are totally amazing. they are sort of prequels to everything that happens in the first three episodes of star wars and there are no familiar characters whatsoever. those are probably some of the most addicting games ive ever played. also, star wars battlefront is awesome. it has sort of a halo aspect to it and takes place both during the clone wars and during the rebel/empire wars and you can play on both sides. i also sort of liked the jedi academy games but the controls suck and action games get really boring.

-the clone wars comics are totally awesome and tell you whats going on between episode 2 and 3.

-theres also lots of star wars books, but a lot of them aren't great.

-the clone wars animated series vol 1 is being released on dvd in march. i liked it a lot. also, episode 3 comes out in may and the episode 3 game, which looks cool as hell, comes out in may as well, about 4 days before the movie.

im a nerd for real. most of my opinions are really biased. dont be like me. go outside and go sledding or learn to knit or start working out. bye!

January 24, 2005

“isn't it messed up, how i'm just dying to be him”

sometimes i look back at the things i write and just want to throw it away. its like when it gets kind of bad the words just fall off my tongue and fingertips. but when it's at it's worst- its just contrite and cliche. not that any of this matters. but when posts are disappearing it's just me realizing i am being overdramatic. we're looking in mirrors and laughing cause we're in on it (princes of the scene, makeout queens).

you're making it okay: uncrustables (strawberry only), tiny hoodies from the little boys section of thrift stores, new bright eyes, this movie windy city heat- i swear to god it is the funniest movie i have ever seen, elliot smith "from a basement...", chocolate cake milkshakes, full moons, 80 degree weather in january, catcher in the rye (almost as cliche as me, but its the best there is, its safe), stealing clothes from photoshoots instead of doing laundry (never should have let us try on the clothes hahaha), the san diego zoo, bob for buying me an electic scooter-FBR tour is gonna be radical, new panic at the disco song, patrick laughing at me trying to squeeze into hilarious jeans- i promise you it's gonna happen, champaign for my real friends- real pain for my sham friends.

i think you're gonna like the new record, it's like a day away from being finished- at least the recording part....

as for the internet drama. its over. we're all friends- and fob fans are way cooler than any other bands. you are the only thing that makes it worthwhile.

"it feels like the first day of my life, glad i didn't die before i met you".

peterabbit

January 25, 2005

“technology doesnt work”

so i just wrote a really really long entry on this thing using my sidekick. hell, i even referenced sanders. yea thats right sanders, whatcha gonna do about it? nothing cause your hands are too small to punch a hole through my gut. so anyway, my sidekick took a crap on it. so now i have to write a WHOLE new one. ugh. the things im compelled to do. first off, what the hell is with celebrity weddings and e! thining we give a fuck about them? seriously, i dont care what slutty dress barbara walters is wearing to trumps wedding and i dont care about trump and his lackluster combover. he spent 35 million on his wedding. what a moron. seriously dude, spend 100 bucks on a vegas wedding, put the rest on black, double your money, buy some of those sick wrap around oakleys and do a bachleor walk down the street telling everybody that you're hot and these babys aren't even close to street legal, and refer to your awesome thighs when you say that because you know youll be wearing bike shorts. So I want to own a bear that rides a motorcyle with a shark on his back. Seriously, that dude would be like "I'm sort of in your face, I don't mean to be, but I'm a little in timidating. Please, stop making fun of us because we do two on one cycle here. Its how we like to ride. Its comfortable that way." And then he'd be like spear spear spear spear victory ride! so im excited to get home, see the folks, see the friends, see the woodsman, study on some boron, just get all the things done i need to. allright, this is my entry substitute. the other one was better but i forget most of what i wrote.

January 27, 2005

holy fuck.

please be my date to this [link to corpse bride trailer]

Oh yeah and "the boy with thorn in his side" is now available in all hottopics. Thanks to you guys for bugging em to get it in... Now pick up a copy there!

Peterpan

January 29, 2005

we have finished recording our new record and have a couple of weeks of mixing before we head home to chicago. just to let you know this was one of the hardest and most important things i have done in my life. i spent hours and hours trying to think what words would mean the most, what we had to say.

i am listening to the rough versions of the songs.

i hope that when it's finally said and done it means as much to you as it does to me.

p

- petey

[snootchie-bootchie-nootchies]

I'm seventeen, not twenty-four. Let's get that out of the way.

I came to look at your account for new content, and I was blocked. No reporting, no asking if I was okay, just blocked. So after going to my burner account and seeing the post you made of course I was pissed.

Apparently you said I'm "crying in your dm's about you blocking my ED account"

If you read the FIRST message I sent you on my SECOND account (after you blocked me- and which I'm pretty sure you ignored) it said "This is an old account that I haven't used in years. If knew how to delete the posts I would."

You didn't send me a link on how to delete all the triggering posts. You know what you did? You blocked me. Again.

Once I figured out how to delete all the posts (which I took an hour doing) and I told you I cleaned my account out, and refreshed it, you blocked me again!

To move onto other topics of your fuck ass response, "I love Randal Graves, why would I want to act like him"

Honey, you like him. Need I say more? "Porch monkey, Helen Keller/Anne Franke debacle, Beastiality, Homophobia, a 30 year old who fucks 17 year olds"

You obviously like him for a reason.

But last but not least you told me "I hope you can get out of that nasty community"

IVE BEEN OUT OF IT FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS YOU DUMBASS BITCH I SAID THAT IN MULTIPLE ASKS

ONCE AGAIN ILL SAY AS JAY ONCE SAID BEFORE, 'man- you're a lost fucking cause'

You must've not passed second grade if you've missed out on THIS many context clues.

(Also post this on your account!!! out me all you want honey <3)

If I get blocked again it'll just prove I'm right.

Christ almighty

I told you those two asks were the only asks I got in my inbox. I did not get any prior asks. I apologize for that, but like I said, it's not my fault, it's tumblr's. I only blocked the original account, and then your previous burner after I posted those asks. Which, was pretty petty of me, I will admit. They just really took me by surprise, because to me, they were incredibly hostile and coming out of seemingly nowhere. So I responded in kind. It was shitty.

With added context that I HAD NOT PREVIOUSLY HAD, let me reiterate- I DID NOT GET THOSE ASKS. If I had, I definitely wouldn't have been such a massive dickhead. Anyways with this context, I will apologize. If I had that I probably would have unblocked you and like, chatted with you or some shit. But you truly cannot blame me for something that was not my fault whatsoever. I'm not gonna lie to you about this shit I fucking hate liars, i didn't get those asks.

In regards to you just "being blocked" - I have no obligation to ask if you're okay. You're a stranger clearly going through your own shit, I'd rather not try to like... 'help' and probably make it worse or have you get angry or something. And reporting accounts on Tumblr is annoying as balls I've tried before and it almost always amounts to nothing. Ultimately I have the right to monitor who is following me.

I'm glad you're out of there. That's great. I'm happy for you. I didn't know this! Because I didn't get those asks!

About the context clues, there were none for me to read. Also I'm autistic, not to blame it on that necessarily, but I do have a hard time reading that shit genuinely.

I don't know why you're lingering on this Randal shit. I can be a good person and like shitry characters and villains. He's fucked up and funny 🤷‍♂️ also you're mentioning everything from clerks 2 and I don't really like him in that movie, he feels like a caricature, I'm kore of a clerks 1 kind of guy tbh

Sorry this is getting really long, I'm trying to address as much as possible. Idk.

I am not opposed to unblocking you if your account is clean and shit, man. (EDIT: sorry i just realized your previous ask did say that lol. my bad, my memory is shitty as hell. i couldn't even look at the time bc i was on mobile and idfk how to use that shit, and i was busy spending time with my family because i have a pretty damn busy life outside tumblr)

I have college shit to do right now but I will look into it soon. I know this post is still kind of pissy but I am not going to block you again if you can find it in yourself to be a 🤏 teesny bit more respectful (not even nice, just respectful) when sending me asks, cause I'm totally willing to talk this out with you.

Also sorry for implying you were 14 or 24. I never know with people on here. Anyways!

Yeah. Uhhh if you want to messafw me instead of airing this stuff out publicly feel free. I think I allowed that on this account? Lmk if I didn't. Thanks in advance, I have to do stupid academic shit now

[f4ll3nf34th3r5y5t]

TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                                        “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.

[pr]

~