#Kevin and Neil may never live or want to live normal lives

[problemduetest4life]

first read sunshine court notes with and without context

maybe I was just reading it wrong, but I’m still confused abt this… they all are in the same locker room bc it’s split up in rows by position but no gender??

Jean said “ALLY” 🧍‍♂️

What if they… all were gangsters sons 🤯

To clarify, what I mean by sheepdog is someone who is neither “sheep” nor “wolf” and takes up the role of protecting the “herd”. They may not technically be a capitan/leader but their an observer and a protector. They know something’s wrong, which may seem like a small thing, but since Jeans lived most of his life without that acknowledgment, ugh LOVE CODYYY I COULD GO ONNNN

destroy his public image do it do it

I kept track of what I thought was the saddest part and gave up

period.

[codename-adler]

back for more acts soundtrack please, i’ve read the last one like 11 times while listening to the song and i may explode

- @you-know-i-get-itt

this is what i got left that i'm still pretty certain about. all subject to change of course, but hey.

All for the Game (S1): The Foxhole Court

"Wymack's contract was permission to keep playing and a chance at pretending to be normal a little while longer."

Now. Yes, this song is soft enough not to make the moment about music, but, take a look further. Listen closely. It's a lullaby for Neil, to soothe his anxieties of signing over such a big part of his life, the rest of it, actually. Hey, everything will be alright. It's okay. You do what you can, and the rest will flow.

But at the same time. It is taunting. Places you will go? What places? Neil Josten is a lamb awaiting the slaughter. Wolf in sheep's clothing, sure, but living on borrowed time still. What joy is there to find in such a future? What dreams can you possibly entertain? What experiences can you even imagine fulfilling within those numbered days? There is nothing sweet, joyous or light about that. Nothing about Nathaniel Wesninski was made for sparkling dreamlands filled with glee or glimmering futures just waiting to unfold.

It's ironic too. Because despite thinking his future as bleak and dead-ended, Neil will indeed go places he never could imagine. Like the Nest. Like Columbia. Like the Baltimore basement, like the hospital, and the FBI motel. Terrible places. Places he desperately wanted to avoid. Places he didn't think a harmless season of his beloved Exy would ever bring him to. And yet. And yet.

But then, there is some truth in it, isn't there?

You burned your mother on the beach and buried her bones in the sand. You stood and didn't know where to go, what to do, and least of all, who you were. Neil Josten was only ever supposed to be another alias. But only Neil Josten gave you time. Only he let you settle down as much as someone like you could, which, turns out, very deep into the ground, your roots embracing whole people and places.

Take your time before it's over. Know Andrew. Play Exy. Win matches. Get better. Heal the twins. Befriend the Foxes. Save Kevin. Get a jersey, your own, your number, yours.

Be Neil Josten. Let Nathaniel die.

[bowtiesnmusicals]

Here is my recap of the Paging NPH (Dream On) episode of the podcast.

This is another big episode for Artie and Tina. They are Jenna and Kevin’s favorites because they can talk about themselves.

We get to see Kevin dance in this episode.

This episode aired on May 18, 2010. This was almost to the day the 1 year anniversary of the show debuting after the American Idol finale.

At first Ryan was adamant that Kevin wouldn’t dance but a year later he changed his mind.

Jenna watched a little bit of the first Glee tour before recording this episode.

May 20-22 2010 the glee cast kicked off a 3 night gig at the Gibson Amphitheater at Universal City Walk. Jenna said it was nice to be on home turf and to be able to sleep in their own beds at night. The amphitheater is now gone and Hogwarts is there now.

Amber asked someone at Universal if they could go on the rides between shows. They got security to take them to the backlot tour, Jurassic Park, and The Mummy.

On both Glee tours they had matinees. Normal concerts are once a day and at night. Kevin said it’s a slog doing two shows a day. An audience in the middle of the day is not giving you a 10. It’s hard have all the energy when the audience is giving you nothing. Yes it makes sense from a parents perspective and for kids shows.

During the second tour the Toronto matinee was the greatest of all time matinee crowd. They had two matinees and Kevin said he would be damned if the matinee crowds weren’t louder then any of the evening shows. They were bringing it. Jenna said Canadians are just nice people and gave them what they needed.

Jenna has a lot of notes for this episode.

This episode was directed by Joss Whedon. This was before the Marvel movies. He is a very musical guy so this was right up his alley. He interacted with cast very differently then any other director up to this point. Joss pulled Jenna and Kevin aside for an acting rehearsal which never happened. He took them to the dance studio and they worked on the scene with the tapping. He showed so much care and thoughtfulness. Kevin said this makes sense when you are just coming in for one episode and are able to prepare. Apparently the script was on time for this episode.

Neil Patrick Harris and Idina Mendel are both in this episode.

Kevin had a lot of recording for this episode. It was all done in one afternoon before a dinner at the Chateau Marmont. He had a melt down on both songs. His voice just didn't feel great. He was excited and talked to Amber at that dinner about how he was trying to make Dream A Little Dream sound older.

It seems like Dream A Little Dream is the most sampled and used song in everything right now. It's a great song.

The episode summary is that Will's former high school nemsis Bryan Ryan (NPH) shows up. Plus Artie and Tina, your favorites, try to find a way to Artie to live his dream of walking again or well dancing.

Bryan Ryan wants to cut the Glee club. He has to cut funding from the arts somewhere and since he hates Will the Glee club is the most obvious option.

Bryan Ryan is a dream killer.

Artie wrote he wanted to dance. Someone, I think Brittany wrote have a threesome. Quinn wrote not have stretch marks.

This is the first of many times that Tina cries. Kevin said this is the thing you do something and you do it to well they will just keep having you do it. They ran it into the ground.

It's not easy for Jenna to cry on cue.

When they filmed this NPH had hosted the Oscars the day before and everyone was out pretty late partying. Mondays is the earliest call. The choir room scene with the jackets was the first scene they filmed.

NPH got an Emmy for this episode.

Kevin remembers sitting there thinking how is he (NPH) doing this.

Someone who shall remain nameless fell asleep against the backwall. There is a shot of the group and someone looks more sleepy then others. It's one of the girls. She loves to dance. I'm guessing they are talking about Heather. There were a couple of girls who would regularly fall asleep during the choir room scenes.

Bryan and Will end up at a bar. They talk about their crushes. Bryan had a crush on Terri. Will says he married her.

When NPH is singing in the flashback scene he is singing live.

NPH and Matt sang Piano Man live as well. It's not supposed to sound super produced. They sang to the actual track.

Joss was very much into grounding this show.

Will tells Bryan they should both audition for Les Mis. They go to audition for it and their reprieve of hating each other ends when they realize they are doing the same audition song. The director guys says do it as a duet which would never happen.

Dream On is a crazy high song.

People often forget that Glee is a satire. Dream On is the perfect example of it.

Kevin's boyfriend Austin performed this version of the song in high school with his theater rival. Kevin joked that he had to break up with him because of this.

Bryan Ryan changes his mind and decides to cut some of the Cheerios budget instead.

Sue tells Will that he go the lead in Le Mis in front of the Glee club and Bryan Ryan. Bryan got a townspeople role. Jenna was a towns person in Le Mis in her freshman year of high school.

Bryan says to Sue, "you are an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term "anger se?" Sue replies, "It's the only kind I know Bryan." Then Bryan says, "I should tell you I'm married." Sue replies back, "Not a problem for me."

Bryan decides to cut Glee club because he's mad at Will for getting the lead. Will gives Bryan the lead to save the Glee club. We are back to square one like it never happened.

Bryan Ryan is a one off character. Jenna joked he called his agents saying needs a guest star Emmy, which show.

During the scene when everyone writes down their dreams, Artie writes he wants to become a dancer. Tina takes it out of the trash bin and confronts Artie.

Tina tries to help him live this fantasy. They decide to do a tap number with the wheel tapper things. It was not the most practical thing.

Zach had said to the writers room, what if we had Tina do a sexy tap number. Jenna is not the best tapper but she can fake it till she makes it in an audition. You just have to look like you know what you are doing.

Dream A Little Dream is a soft shoe number. Neither Jenna or Harry had tap shoes on.

Artie says he can walk and uses some crutches he found. He then falls and it's really sad.

Kevin was dreading this scene. He was really insecure about it. It was the one scene he didn't want to do. He wasn't confident in his acting ability. He is much more comfortable with comedy.

It's extra hard when you are surrounded by so many good dramatic actors. When you are in a scene and Chris Colfer can just cry and is so good. One of the producers, Dante, had to talk Kevin off the ledge. He asked Keviin if he thought was Chris was better then him just because he could cry. Kevin said yes he is better then me because he is better then me. Kevin said that while he does think Chris is much better then him Dante gave him nice notes. Joss was equally sweet about it.

Because it was a sensitive emotional scene Joss would talk quietly. He get down on his knees and whisper things for Kevin to try. He would tell him just think of this or that.

Kevin thought he and Jenna did a really nice job in this episode. Jenna said she thought Joss did a really good job guiding them.

Kevin said they knew they were in good hands with Joss.

Tina really tries to help Artie by doing research.

They had a perfect take with the sun flare during their kiss.

Kevin said watching people kiss is really awkward and uncomfortable. It's also not a good testament to say if you are a good kisser. Despite this Kevin though their kiss looked pretty damn good. Jenna said it did look good. It was a good shot. Kevin said you can tell they've done this before and it's not two strangers kissing.

The show then goes into a dream sequence without acknowledging it is a dream sequence. Kevin wants to know what the hell did people think when they watched this episode.

Jenna said their were probably people that were mad that he cuold get up and walk and others that thought it was amazing.

Jenna also said that was kind of the point. It was supposed to be shocking.

This was done right in the middle of the craze of flash mobs.

Joss had the idea of filming it on all different kinds of cameras.

This mall has a fish market and the camera was right in front of it. It smelled so bad. They shot a couple of things at that mall. This time was especially stinky.

Kevin's mom and sister happened to either be in town or Kevin coordinated it in advance. He can't remember. He told them to come to the mall to watch the filming. They were standing up on the ledge above the escalators. After the number they cried because they had no idea. They know how much he loves to perform and were excited for him.

Kevin says watching it he can tell he wasn't confident doing it. He wasn't used to having the attention and spotlight on him. Despite all of this it was really fun. He loved that everyone was in the number. It was just a big happy flash mob.

After this Artie goes to Emma to share the research he found with Tina. There is this kind of magical hopefully thinking that is very sad. Emma has to take Artie back down to Earth and remind him of what the reality is for him.

This leads to Artie telling Tina to find a new dance partner. Everyone is acting very sad in this number.

Then we go into Dream A Little Dream with Tina and Mike.

This is very reminiscent of True Colors.

They rehearsed this in one day. Harry is not a tap dancer but he is an outstanding dancer. Jenna said she has swamp thing arms. The shoes Jenna is wearing in this episode are her college dance shoes. Zach had to go back and all the tap sounds for this number.

Jenna has pictures from it that she can share.

The beautiful shot at the end is really sad. It was like a movie.

Jenna brings up when Artie says, "I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and shot it." Kevin says he loves that line.

Kevin said he thinks Jenna and Harry sold that number. He said give him swamp hands any day.

There is a reveal within a reveal in this episode. Kevin likened it to when a drag queen tags of a wig revealing another wig.

Jesse and Rachel start going through things in the basement. Rachel kept referring to Patti LuPone as mother. She also has a theory about Bernadette Peters being her mother.

They "find" the tape labeled from mom and Jesse tells her she should listen to it. She says no and tells him to leave.

We get the patented mystery shenanigans in the car scene while it's raining. It's always raining in the car. Jesse gets in the car with Shelby. We then find out Shelby directed Jesse to become friends with Rachel. We also find out Shelby is Rachel's mother.

Jesse goes back to Rachel's and gets her to play that damn tape. We go into a beautiful dream sequence of I Dreamed A Dream. It was not anything big but actually rather simple.

Rachel says, "My first singing competition I came in first place." Jesse says, "You were 8 months old." Rachel says, "I was very musically verbal."

Kevin says he likes when Jesse and Rachel were looking at the sonogram and says, "It looks like you are in 5th position."

That is Dream On folks. What a fun episode to do.

Kevin asked Jenna if this episode felt darker in terms of how it was colored or shot. Jenna said yes it definitely looked a bit brighter. It looked different.

Tartie Takes:

Cringe Moments - Bryan Ryan just the whole Bryan alluding to hooking up with Sue but being married.

Worst Dance Move - Bryan and Will's rivalry

Best Dance Move - Safety Dance and Kevin said he thinks some of the soft shoe was very nice

Best Song - Safety Dance. Kevin doesn't generally like the song though

Best Performance By a Prop - Jenna said Kevin. Kevin said the tappers on his wheelchair or Shelby's tape to Rachel

Best Line - Kevin: Jessie to Rachel about the sonogram, "It looks like you are in 5th position." Jenna: I just want to dance.

Shit We Found On TikTok:

Someone is having a Glee Night at a proper venue in NYC. It's a party of all Glee music. Kevin thinks it's hilarious and great. It's at the Grammercy. Jenna had to tell Kevin it's a very popular venue. Kevin wants to know if they are invited. Kevin said if you go to Glee Night at the Grammercy send pics and vids.

One of Harry's costars on Grey's took a video of Harry videoing him dancing to get his reaction. It's very cute and Harry looks the exact same. Jenna said he looks younger. This was a viral thing of parents asking kids to video them but turning the camera on them to get their reactions. Harry doesn't look so pleased. It's very funny. Jenna and Kevin would like to visit the set.

Nest week is Theatricality.

[splishsplashyouropinionistrash]

An incomplete list of my favorite AFTG fics

All of these are on AO3, and yes I’m only writing this because I’m procrastinating working on TMHYHM. So, in no particular order, my favorite AFTG fics.

The Multi-Part Fics (Complete)

All of these have ended and taken a bit of my heart with them.

1. August by gus_47 (2/2)

If you know anything about me you know that I’m obsessed I enjoy anything and everything written by gus_47. I am their biggest fan; I would read their grocery lists if they let me. So obviously, I was obsessed with this story as soon as it was published. It’s Kevaaron and just- ugh. Heartbreaking. AND !! There’s going to be a second part. So technically it’s finished, but never fear because we’re not done with my boys yet.

2. 12 Ways To Woo A Minyard by NikNak22 (14/14)

This is a non-exy college Andriel fic with background Kevaaron and Jerjean. Basically, Neil is friends with the Foxes and has a huge crush on Andrew. The Foxes try and help Neil confess, lots of fun fluffy antics ensue. Plus, it’s a “Kevaaron is obviously happening but Neil’s too busy pining to notice” fic, so... yeah

3. Flavors of Fall by NikNak22 (20/20)

Don’t even get me started on this one. It’s Andreil, Andrew’s POV, small-town romance. Andrew’s a photographer and lives in a cottage!! in the woods!! and the Foxes have small-town spooky season fun!! It’s just so fluffy and fun and god the yearning. One of my favorite fluff fics, stg it’s so amazing.

4. Bad Habits by mitigates (2/2)

Okay so listen... I won’t lie, there’s a lot of smut. HOWEVER!!! There’s also fuckin soft Jeremy Knox running a childrens home!! and I need that in my life so badly. Anyway, it’s Andriel, Kevaaron, and Jerjean. Also Neil and Kev hooked up once, and it’s a big joke?? Honest to god, it comes up at least four times-

5. Red Rabbits by bloodydamnit, Jeni182, SeaBear13, and windeavesdrops (25/25)

It’s Andriel with background Renee/Allison, not a fluff fic at all so be warned. Andrew is a journalist who starts a podcast trying to hunt down Mary and Nathaniel Wesninksi. Neil, obviously, doesn’t want to be found. It was an interactive story, there’s a Tumblr page, it’s just so good? Really, go read it. I have no other words.

6. quicksand by likearecord (9/9)

This bad boy is Andriel with fuckboy Aaron and Neil is Kev’s little brother. The sheer amount of gay panic in this story, I simply cannot express to you how much fun this is. I cackled so loudly in the middle of the fucking night. Also like- Andrew gets to have friends?? and family who loves him?? And Neil is a being of utter chaos. It’s beautiful.

7. The Odds Are Never In Our Favor by MalikShah (29/29)

It’s not my normal style, but it was so good? It’s AFTG + The Hunger Games. Andriel, a few character deaths, and just a lot of tears. They’re so gay and so sad and it’s so fun. 

8. Thorns by Mostly_Maudlin (2/2)

Andreil during Neil’s fifth year. Lots of healthy communication after some not-so-healthy communication. Just a sweet little fic of Andreil learning how to live when they aren’t right next to eachother. (there is smut tho, just so you’re prepared).

9. a switchblade is my preferred weapon by badacts (48/48)

LOCKED FIC, YOU NEED AN AO3 ACCT TO READ !! 

Anyways, this is AFTG if Neil was in the Nest and left with Kevin. It’s Andriel and very good. The slowest of slowburns. You aren’t ready. You may think you’re ready, but you aren’t.

10. Am I Screaming To An Empty Sky? by phan_taloon (4/4)

guys... this one is just heartbreaking. It’s Andriel, hurt with very little comfort, and honestly super triggering so be sure to read the tags before you read. Basically, the Foxes lose the finals and Neil ends up in the Nest. I think I sobbed the whole time I was reading, honestly.

11. never fallen (from quite this high) by crystalcrow (43/43)

It’s AFTG from Andrew’s POV. Deffo a must-read, that’s all I have to say. Also, the first AFTG fic I read so... good memories, ig?

12. Back To The Start by fuzzballsheltiepants (11/11)

Andriel during Neil’s fifth year. Andrew gets injured and loses his memory. It’s just as heartbreaking as it sounds, but also so painfully sweet. gives major “I don’t know you, but I know that I love you” vibes. So good.

The Multi-Part Fics (Incomplete)

Some of these are abandoned, some are not, all of them are worth reading.

1. I left you alone in a house, not a home by ohhhhmygod (4/?)

Andreil after canon where Neil has a little brother. It’s not a super fluffy fic so far, but it’s so good !!

2. Blame It On My Youth by youreyestheyglow (115/?)

Andriel 10 years post-canon. They’re foster dads!! Nat and Paige are what I never knew I needed, I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with this story. The quintessential AFTG fic.

3. Hoax by gus_47 (31/40)

C’mon guys, it’s gus_47 ofc I love it. Jerejean after the Ravens. Absolutely, completely obsessed. It’s so fucking good y’all. Just read it.

4. Redemption by accioice (30/?)

So, Neil goes to the Nest as a kid, but instead of Riko abusing them, the Perfect Court becomes family (plus Ichirou). Eventually they go to Palmetto and there’s Andriel!! Kev is a bi disaster, we get some neurodivergent rep, and really really good found family. They just love each other so much. Honestly, it’s a good “what if..?” fic. Like, what if Riko broke the cycle of abuse? It’s just really good and you need to read it.

5. Andrew Minyard v. The Spear Family by preciousfoxes (10/?)

Andrew takes legal action against the Spears and Neil is a “feral dumpster raccoon lawyer”. Really, it’s just Andrew having gay thoughts for 10 chapters straight. And can you blame him? Neil with a man bun. Neil with piercings and tattoos. Neil in a suit. 

6. I Beg You, Whisper My Name Like A Prayer by Louie__TheLonely (4/?)

Picture this. Highschool AU. Neil and Andrew are best friends. They are horribly gay for each other. And horribly oblivious. I AM OBSESSED.

7. Neil Fights The Foxes by This_Witch_Writes (10/12)

Neil picking fights when the Foxes treat Andrew badly? Yes, please. I am a whore for protective Neil. Be warned, there’s some triggering stuff in later chapters. Check tags and stay safe <3

8. Let’s make things interesting by Nico4undead (16/?)

Enter the Minyard-Josten rivalry. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

9. Innominate by Major_816 (18/74)

Neil gets sold to the Moriyamas, but ends up with Ichirou instead of Riko. Now he’s a badass crime lord working undercover at Palmetto. Get ready for heartwrenching angst and heartwarming found family. I cannot express how obsessed I am.

10. In Which Neil Josten Is A PR Nightmare by CoverYourEyes (16/?)

Eve has the (mis)fortune of working as Neil Josten’s PR manager during the Minyard-Josten rivalry. Otherwise known as: Neil is ungovernable.

11. Tell Me How You Hate Me by Killingmeslowly_24 (that’s me !!) (3/18)

I can’t make a fic list without including my child. So, it’s TKM from Andrew’s POV. Andrew is absolutely feral for Neil, and he’s seriously in denial. It’s so much fun to write. Also!! we get the Nicky content we deserve!! Nicky as an adoring cousin!! (and is that Renee/Allison I see on the horizon? It is? 0.0)

The Oneshot Fics

They’re short, they might be sweet, and rest assured: they’re amazing.

1. Just Because I Can by NikNak22

Am I obsessed with this writer? maybe. Bro it’s 5+1, Neil pranking the Foxes and the Foxes pranking Neil back. Amazing, hilarious, I love it.

2. A Yellow Made Out Of Gray by thelessiknow

5 times Neil sees his friends feel loved + 1 time Neil feels loved. That’s it. That’s the fic. It’s just as fluffy and perfect as it sounds.

3. stay (you don’t have to go) by Major_816

Ohhhh boy. This one. It breaks me. Andriel highschool AU, they meet on a suicide prevention forum. So... major TW. It destroyed me, I’m not going to lie.

4. One day we’ll reveal the truth by allyasavedtheday

LOCKED FIC, YOU NEED AN AO3 ACCT TO READ !!

Aaron doesn’t trust Neil’s intentions, so Andrew tells him to watch how they interact. Cue the fluff.

5. Scribbles and Sticky Notes by Fortheloveofexy

I am so sorry in advance. Post-canon, Neil starts leaving sticky notes out for Andrew. Sweet things or reminders, whatever. Andrew saves them all. AND THEN YOU CRY !!

6 (and 7). goodbye, family. and don’t say goodbye by queenDay05

Neil knows his countdown is ending, so he records a video. The Foxes can’t find Neil, but they do find his goodbye. Absolutely soul crushing.

8. just a footnote by Anonymous

Kevaaron, they’re friends with benefits. Aaron is in love and not handling it well. Fluff and smut, so much mutual pining. One of my favorite oneshots ever.

Well! That was a wonderful little distraction, uhhhh.... expect an update by the end of the week? Life’s been... shit, honestly and I haven’t had the energy to write. 

Take care of yourselves, my loves <3

[the-chicken-or-the-banana]

an incomplete list of northern-californian andrew minyard shenanigans

he gets pissed if anyone asks him if he can surf

the beaches are cold and rocky and gross, no one wants to learn surfing up here

he's totally used to weird weather (a 90° day can have a 50° night) but he absolutely cannot stand extreme temperatures

anything above 100° is reason to riot, and anything below a 40-50° is a good excuse to stay under blankets the whole day

hot days are more common in the bay area than hail, and there's never any snow, so moving to south carolina was a slap in the face

"nicky, do i need more warm clothes or more summer clothes?"

"both, andrew. both."

"why do you not have normal weather systems? just pick one"

andrew literally always carries a jacket with him out of habit

in the south, weather can fluctuate every few days, whereas in california, the weather literally changes every hour and there's almost always a breeze in the bay area

it takes him a long time to realize that hot days in the south just... stay hot. no need for a jacket.

(he still usually has one on hand though. never hurts to be prepared)

san francisco is so. goddamn. boring.

he might not have been there very often as a foster kid, but living like 20 minutes away from it in oakland makes the city really lose its novelty

(also the sfo and oakland rivalry can get very passionate at times. he was just always destined to dislike san francisco)

unironically uses the word "hella." he didn't realize it was a californian thing until it accidentally slipped out in front of the foxes and he got some very confused (and gleeful) stares

andrew calls the two main parts of california "norcal" and "socal" (for northern california and southern california). he cannot for the life of him understand why everyone else is so confused

he has a sort of inherent dislike for socal. he may have literally never been there but... the vibes. he just can't stand them

(andrew refers to socal as "fake california" in his head, as many norcal people do)

honestly, he's a pretty environmental person (aside from the smoking). you really can't live in the bay area without being overly conscious about recycling and sustainability

(he'll constantly bully kevin into separating trash, recyclables, and compostables. kevin never had to do that in the nest but andrew? he's very particular about this.

"kevin. how can you say you're healthy when you're making the planet unhealthy?"

"it's really not that big of a deal—" "it is. shut up and recycle.")

andrew absolutely detests the "sunny, warm, beach" stereotype of california, seeing how inaccurate it is for most of the state

neil likes to joke that jeremy and andrew represent the two extremes of california — sunny and bright vs cold and cloudy

andrew does not find this funny

(okay, maybe a little)

the biggest shock he ever faced was that safeway (a grocery store) wasn't a nationwide chain

apparently it's just a california thing (update: maybe a pacific coast thing?? idek)

"aaron, if tilda's not going to buy groceries, we will just go to safeway ourselves"

"andrew. there are no safeways here."

"... what"

"i was shocked too"

(it ends up being the first thing the twins bond over when they officially meet)

[simonsrosebud]

the one where someone doesn’t know who kevin day is, pt. 3

part one two four five

kevin has a talk with them the next morning before practice.  or more of just him storming into the lounge and going off.  the four freshman are there, too, but he doesn’t quite care.

“dalton isn’t fucked up like the rest of us!  there’s a reason i didn’t want any of you meeting or even knowing about him and it’s not because i hadn’t fucking come out yet.  he’s not a fox, and he’s not even thea.  he’s not involved with exy, he doesn’t know about riko and me and the moriyama’s and the rest!  there’s a lot of shit he doesn’t know about yet and none of you had the right throwing it all out in the air last night just to have a fucking laugh.  tell me, was it funny?  was it fucking funny getting him shitfaced just to get some answers and take the piss?!”

dan stands, and kevin holds a hand out.  she looks to andrew, but his silence sides him with kevin.  “kevin, we were just trying to-“

“you have no excuses, dan.  none of you do.  you were trying to make a fool of me and my boyfriend for nothing.  and now, i have to go cure his curiosity of the things you all said.”  and he storms out.

wymack doesn’t stop him.  if anything, he looks mad at those left.  “the fuck did you do to him to make him skip practice?!  you realize that’s never happened so long as he’s lived, right?!  we don’t have protocol for the day kevin skips exy.”

meanwhile, dalton doesn’t actually have that many questions.  the numbing of alcohol for a face tattoo is understandable, especially knowing that kevin’s sober and therefore must have had a problem.  the cracker dust he asks about just because he doesn’t know what it is- he doesn’t like it, but trusts kevin that he’s done with it.  he’s seen the scar along kevin’s hand, he already assumed it was from a surgery.  the edgar allen thing was too vague for him to be curious about, but he does ask- not about, the father comment, but if he’s okay about it.  kevin tells him this much;  that he transferred from edgar allen to palmetto because he’d known for a few years that wymack was his father, and that he didn’t have the courage to tell him until last year.

kevin thanks the gods that dalton doesn’t ask about or seem to remember any mention of the yakuza.

they’re at kevin’s suite because he knows they’ll have a few hours by themselves with everyone at the stadium, but only an hour in there’s knocking on the door.  dalton has his lips on kevin’s- he’d just said how he likes having access to his “real smile”.  “gonna get it?”  kevin shakes his head.  the knocking starts again.

“come on, kevin!  we’re sorry!  just open up for a second!”

kevin knows dalton likes when he speaks french, so he sighs and kisses him before whispering, “i hate them all.”

dan is at his door with matt and allison in tow.  “what do you want?”

“to apologize.”  kevin raises his eyebrows.  “look, we take the piss a lot and you never seemed to be visibly affected by it, so we didn’t realize that last night was upsetting you until you left.”

“you said never have i ever seen kevin have a meltdown.  why do you think you’ve seen that?  because i’m a toddler?  you know what i’ve had my reasons.”  riko.  the moriyamas.

“i know.  look, we don’t want to give you excuses.  i-i don’t have an explanation.  you’ve always kind of let us take the piss without saying anything, and we took it too far, especially last night.  andrew looked like he wanted to kill nicky for the yakuza comment, but neil talked to him about it before we went to the stadium this morning,” she whispers the last part because she’s not stupid, and kevin huffs.

matt jumps in.  “we wanna make it up to you, man.  you’ve obviously hid him from us for a reason and we proved you right.”  kevin honestly wants to get back to dalton and he wants it to just be over with.  “bring him to the winter banquet, we’ll be nice.  if anyone says anything i’ll punch em.  neil will chew em out.”

kevin grimaces.  the ravens will be at the banquet.  it’s in just over a month, the second week of december.  he’ll have to tell dalton some things by then.  and he might have to say something to the public.

he doesn’t tell him anything.  not yet, at least.  he still has three weeks until the banquet- he hasn’t even asked dalton yet.  he starts to like away games a little more than before, though.  he gets dalton a little postcard from every new state they go to.  he tapes them all to one of the walls of his room.

he’s on the phone with dalton at an airport general store, even, when he gets interrupted by two girls.  he puts on his press smile before he even notices.  “hold on, d.”

he doesn’t love fan interactions.

when they leave, dalton asks him with amusement if he’s got fans now, and kevin kind of decides he should probably tell him some more about his life because jesus, does he have fans.  he needs to tell him about he and riko.  what they were, what they were to fans of exy, what kevin was to fans of exy.  what kevin was to riko- without involving the yakuza.

but he doesn’t, because dalton never brings up the topic of “fans” again.

he doesn’t tell him until a week later, when he wakes up from a nightmare.

dalton’s leaning over him, speaking, but all kevin sees is riko riko riko.  it takes all of two seconds for dalton to back off.

“hey, hey, it’s me, it’s dalton.  you’re safe, you’re in my apartment.  no one else is here, i promise.”

kevin’s breathing so hard, dalton flicks the lamp on and he just crumbles.  he sits up and presses his hands over his eyes, “i’m sorry.”

“can i touch you?” he nods.  dalton’s sitting at his side, cross legged, and gently pulls kevin’s hands off his eyes.  “you don’t have to be sorry.  i know there’s shit in here,” he lightly lifts his hands to hold kevin’s face and taps his temple with a finger, “i don’t need to know what it is, just know you don’t have to apologize for it, and know you’re safe.”

kevin nods and twists to hug him.  and dalton wraps his arms securely around kevin’s back.  he presses a kiss to the top of his head and mumbles “c’mere” to prompt kevin into climbing into his lap.

dalton slides his fingers through kevin’s hair and it’s just so soothing, it nearly puts him to sleep.  and when dalton lays back down kevin stays wrapped around him with his cheek pressed to his chest.

when kevin wakes up it’s to find they’ve switched positions overnight.  dalton’s got his arm lazily draped over kevin’s waist, almost holding him close like a pillow.  his ankle is thrown over kevin’s, and his head is pressed into the back of kevin’s neck.

kevin doesn’t want to move.  in fact, he stays so still so as to not wake dalton, that when he stirs kevin just shushes him and pulls dalton’s arm back around him.  he holds his hand close to his chest.

dalton’s not stupid.  he knows kevin’s awake and nuzzles himself closer.  “you like being cuddled.”

“you’re the one doing it, not me.”  but he definitely tilts further into the pillow to expose his neck when dalton starts kissing up the side.

“you like being the little spoon.”  and pushes himself up over kevin.  “you like when you’re on the bottom, kev.” he kisses him deep into the mattress despite morning breath, and noses down his neck.  “i like it.”

kevin tugs at dalton’s hair.  “and what… what about it?”

ahaha.  aha.  sex.

anyway.

he tells dalton everything afterwards.  he leaves out the yakuza part, and the fact of neil’s past, because that’s another monster.  but he tells him the rest.  who his mother is and why he’s such a big deal in the exy world;  why he really left edgar allen and came to the foxes;  the tattoo that’s buried under his chess piece and what it meant.  what his relationship with riko was really like, and everything about their past and the abuse he endured.

and he fills him in on what triggers him because of that: small pitch black rooms, confined spaces without an easy way out, holding his hand too tight, the mention of riko moriyama, a lot of other things.

and dalton stays. 

so kevin asks him to the banquet.  when he says yes, he asks wymack for help arranging an interview.  there are enough people and press lingering outside the exy banquets, and he’d like to hold his boyfriend’s hand on the way in this year.

it’s scheduled to be live the morning before the banquet.  it’s with sophie silletti for espn college exy, and she posts about it as soon as it’s booked.

kevin sits with her.  it’s nothing like kathy ferdinand.  they talk strictly about exy and eventually, with his pre-approved questions, she brings up thea’s team’s most recent game.  “and forgive me if i’m wrong, but you and thea muldani split recently, yes?”

kevin nods.  “back in may, i’d say.  we’re still friendly, i have the utmost respect towards her.  in the end it just didn’t work out.”  i haven’t talked to her in months.

sophie nods.  “everything happens for a reason, i’d like to think.”

“of course.  it wouldn’t have led me elsewhere.”

“is that hinting at something?  i feel we don’t normally talk about this, but does kevin day have someone new in his love life?”  

kevin palms are sweating.  he hopes his face isn’t red with nerves.  “i do, actually.  i won’t say anything about him for his own privacy” i don’t want the public’s prying eyes “but we’ve been together for a bit, now.”

sophie is grinning, she feigns surprise.  “i heard you say him, did i not?  anything else to tell us?”

he keeps his smile easy, but he can feel the worry in the back of his head telling himself they can see right through it.  “if you’re asking, then sure.  i’m a bisexual man, so yes, my partner is also a man.  this is the first time i’ve ever announced it to the public, actually.”  as if that wasn’t the whole point of today.

“at least your fangirls can keep their hopes up, then, yeah?  still got a 50/50 shot!  and i’ve got to say, i feel honored you trusted me and my show with a milestone like this.  coming out certainly is a big deal, or at least nerve wracking!  how do you feel?” she laughs.  “is it like a weight lifted from your shoulders?”

“i was never too stressed about it.”  lies.  “some will hate, sure, but my job is the game.  if my fans are true then this won’t change that.  speaking of,” and then it’s back to exy.

wymack drives them back to palmetto, and when they’re close enough he says, “i’m proud of you for doing that.”

“thanks.”

“where am i dropping you off?”

kevin knows andrew and neil probably watched the interview, and he doesn’t feel like dealing with whatever they’ve got to say about it.  so wymack drops him at dalton’s who hugs him as soon as he opens the door.

“you watched?”

“of course.”  he kisses his cheek.

all posts/updates relating to this au can be found in the “OC: dalton miller” tag!

extra content

[bloody-wonder]

You know I gotta ask now for the top aftg fandom tropes that you hate

the post about fanon neil got very popular overnight and i got a bunch of new followers so let’s scare them away haha

10) when neil goes to therapy. i know he needs to but it’s very important for me that he doesn’t want to and no one forces him. he knows it works for andrew and respects his choices and andrew respects his - yet in so many fics andrew forces neil to go to therapy. it makes me uncomfortable.

9) when the foxes are depicted as way too friendly with each other. the twinyards bicker and wrestle like normal siblings. neil and allison go shopping. neil and katelyn talk about their men over a cup of coffee. like... yeah no.

8) andrew and neil hate kevin. that’s not true, they’re friends - maybe not of the matt & neil variety but still. i’ve written about them in my older posts so i won’t repeat it here but andrew and neil LIKE kevin and they are FRIENDS. i like when they tease him about exy and stuff but there’s a line between casual and vicious teasing and it’s crossed all too often.

7) aaron learns not to be homophobic. in fics where he’s a side character it happens after another argument with nicky, neil or andrew which canon aaron would never start and by the end he apologizes and becomes “redeemed tm”. even the best post canon fic lessons in cartography has this.

6) nora said that they don’t really come out to the public and i like this very much which is why i dislike the coming out trope that is very common in minyard-josten rivalry fics. their relationship and identites are private and they don’t owe anybody any information or clarification. also i think that they wouldn’t want to come out - especially not by kissing on the court after winning a match. also, they don’t go to pride parades.

5) when neil wants to figure out his sexuality and goes to nicky for advice. this is wrong on so many levels. nicky is the last person who you’d want to discuss sex with and also he doesn’t seem like he’d know a single thing about the ace spectrum. i think neil doesn’t bother with labels but if he does then he wouldn’t be comfortable talking about his and andrew’s private stuff to anyone but andrew so if someone informs him about demisexuality it would be him. 

4) when neil tries to change andrew and how he expresses his feelings. stop saying i hate you. stop saying it’s nothing. let’s hold hands in public. let’s cuddle during movie nights. and in the fic andrew does it cause he’d do anything for neil. but i believe the condition is that neil wouldn’t make such conditions so this trope doesn’t make any sense and feels very much like the writer is self-projecting onto neil and wants to turn andrew into their ideal partner. 

3) scenarios in which andreil have to “prove” to the foxes that they’re an item. on the in-universe level it happens through pda which i hate with all my heart and on the meta level it happens through the fic structure in which one of the foxes walks in on andreil being soft and only then do they realize that andreil is legit and they’re good for each other. first of all it has this voyeuristic angle which makes me uncomfortable but secondly it reinforces the idea that a relationship is a performance and it doesn’t exist unless the audience sees it and gives good reviews. also in this scenario the foxes become stand-ins for the fans which judge how andreil is portrayed and often judge them “unhealthy” and “not valid” unless they perform some kind of amatonormative, often heteronormative dynamic. i have many feelings about this and all of them are bad.

2) andrew and neil “heal” and it completely changes their personalities. neil becomes fanon neil. andrew smiles and laughs and uses pet names. they do couples stuff like dates by candle light and pda bcs “they deserve it”. they may have lived through some bad events but it’s all in the past. now they are very normal and healed and soft and everything’s fine. fuck nora.

1) “fuck nora they say ily and marry” - this i can never accept or overlook. it’s basically what’s responsible for me becoming an aftg discourse blogger - if you look at my older posts you’ll see that that’s where my origin lies. and i still stand by everything i said, only back then i thought it’s arophobia but now i know more and think that it doesn’t necessarily have something to do with people being amatonormative - it mostly has to do with people lacking common sense and decency.

[neilmfjosten]

aftg quotes that make me go absolutely feral

“You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs.” “I’m not a hallucination,” Neil said, nonplussed. “You are a pipe dream,” Andrew said.”

Thank you," he finally said. He couldn't say he meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty and the kisses. Hopefully Andrew would figure it out eventually. "You were amazing.”

“Who said 'please' that made you hate the word so much?"Andrew gazed at him in silence for a minute. "I did.”

This,” Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, “isn’t worthless.” “There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.” “And I am nothing,” Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, “And as you’ve always said, you want nothing.”

“I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?" "Every inch of you," Andrew said. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you." The world tilted a little bit sideways. Neil dug his shoes harder into the floor so he wouldn't fall over. "You like me." "I hate you," Andrew corrected him, but Neil barely heard him.”

“Andrew kissed him like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like his world stopped and started with Neil’s mouth.”

“You know, I get it. Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you’re worth a damn off the court— yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time. I know it’s not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you’re physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don’t think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.”

“Yes or no?" "It's always yes with you." "Except when it's no." "If you have to keep asking because—I'll answer it as many times as you ask. But this is always going to be yes.”

“Better luck next time, Neil," he said. "I warned you once already, didn't I? I don't feel anything." “Anymore," Neil said, barely a whisper.”

“Ninety percent of the time the very sight of you makes me want to commit murder. I think about carving the skin from your body and hanging it out as a warning to every other fool who thinks he can stand in my way." “What about the other ten?”

“If it means losing you, then no.”

“Truth is irrefutable and untainted by bias. Sunrise, Abram, death: these are truths.”

“Don't look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”

“Andrew flicked his pack of cigarettes at Neil. "Give me one good reason to not push you off the side." Neil shook a stick out and lit it. "I'd drag you with me. It's a long way down.”

“Let Riko be King," Kevin said, with the exaggerated enunciation of the thoroughly sloshed. "Most coveted, most protected. He'll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me?" Kevin gestured again, meaning to indicate himself but too drunk to get his hand higher than his waist. "I'm going to be the deadliest piece on the board."

“It's always been 'go'. It's always been 'lie' and 'hide' and 'disappear'. I've never belonged anywhere or had the right to call anything my own. But Coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key and called it home.”

“"No, but really," Nicky said, looking wide-eyed at Neil. "What happened?" "Neil hit Riko," Matt said. "It was beautiful.”

“Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation. Now Kevin knew it was all for naught; Neil would be dead by May. "Will you still teach me?" Neil asked. Kevin was quiet again, but not for long this time. "Every night.”

“You never explained the change of heart." “Maybe I got tired of seeing Kevin bend. Or maybe it was the zombies. A few weeks back you and Renee argued contingency plans for a zombie apocalypse. She said she'd focus on survivors. You said you'd go back for some of us. Five of us. You weren't counting Abby or Coach. Since you trust Renee to handle the rest of the team, I'm guessing the last spot is for Dobson. I didn't say anything then because I knew I'd look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you.”

“Is your learning curve a horizontal line?”

“I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be.”

“I will ask you only once to tone down that animosity." "I can't," Neil said. "I have a bit of an attitude problem."

“My name is Nathaniel Wesninski," he said, "and my father is dead." It wasn't at all funny, but a second later he was laughing. It sounded hysterical but he couldn't stop.”

“You couldn't at least use an Exy idiom? I hate baseball.”

“Neil sucked in a deep breath that ripped him open on its way down. "I'd ask you how it feels, but I guess you've always known what it's like to be second, you worthless piece of shit.”

“This was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and Neil was never letting go.”

[palmett-hoes]

i so agree on the thea/kevin thing. i do think they end up together though - not because i particularly think they're good for each other but because sometimes people end up in relationships they settle for and maybe they change and maybe they don't but sometimes life is just like that. thats kind of why i particularly like how nora makes it clear that allison doesn't end up with a man because she tends to seek out the anger issues + doesn't want to help themselves type of man. it b liek dat smt

hmm okay. i think first i want to address what i mean when i answer asks, especially one like the kevin and thea ask you're mentioning. just because i'm writing it doesn't necessarily mean i'm committing to the idea 100% and it doesn't mean it's what i believe 100% will happen. it's a possibility and more than that it's an idea i'm exploring for the moment

that was an analysis of how i view their dynamic, with some predictions based on that specific interpretation, and the end part was a best-case scenario if everything worked out perfectly. but you're right, a best-case scenario doesn't always happen. people's lives don't always play out perfectly and they don't always find the perfect right person that they're with forever. and sometimes they settle for something that's stable or familiar and that's not even necessarily a bad thing

what's really great about transformative work like fandom is that i don't have to stick to just one idea. i can entertain the idea of a perfect world for kevin and thea where they break up but stay friends and help each other overcome the trauma and conditioning of the nest, and at the same time i can also entertain the world where they fall a little flat of that, and still end up together and sometimes kevin sits up at night and looks at his wife and asks himself "do i love her? am i happy?" and knows that the answer isn't a resounding yes, but that she's still his partner and they have a daughter together who he wouldn't trade for anything. analytically, you can make an argument for either of those pathways, or even one where kevin and thea get marriage counseling and end up the happiest most in-love couple in the world, or a million others

you can create a post-canon where anything happens. one where kevin meets the love of his life, one where kevin never meets anyone, one where kevin suffers a career ending injury at 26 that this time he truly never recovers from. as a creator i can explore each and every one of these options for him and think of them all as equally real and equally possible, even if i'm thinking about two completely different ones at the exact same time

it's a story. it all comes down to what i'm feeling at that moment, what I'm looking to explore. do i need a pick-me-up? do i want catharsis? am i angry? sad? cruel? do i want to deconstruct the notion of the cold war nuclear family? do i just want a good time? you get out what you bring in

whatever i end up typing is a reflection of what i'm thinking and feeling in that moment. i may want to look at it completely differently in another moment

but i do agree that i like to keep a little reality regardless, and i also like that nora did too. she didn't give everyone a perfect happy ending with a marriage and kids and i think that's right for the statement she was making with the series

and sometimes i like that, sometimes i want a world that's a little softer around the edges for a bit. that's for me to decide

but if you want my strictest, most true-to-life, mirror of reality take on what happens in post-canon, okay

---

i still don't think that kevin and thea end up together, because there's at least two more years on kevin's college contract and no guarantee he'll go onto thea's pro team from there, and i don't think either of them will really be trying to stay in touch. long-distance is hard. long-distance when you're not even trying is impossible. i don't even think they explicitly break up it's just they realize they haven't spoken in months and don't even have each others' current addresses so they avoid eye contact if they ever happen to be in the same room and eventually one of them has a 30-second news spot about dating someone new and that puts the final shred of uncertainty between them to rest

kevin never really finds someone. he's too committed to exy, as a pro-player and as whatever he does after, and he's never going to tell anyone that his life is technically owned by the mafia. maybe he has a convenient marriage or two with some other celebrity that ends in divorce. he's not really particularly concerned with it and when he's old he doesn't regret it. maybe he never wanted a partner in the first place

it's aaron and katelyn that i think are the most likely to end up the way you described kevin and thea. they get married and they stay married but really they're married to their jobs as doctors. and as the years go on they sometimes wonder why they're still together but it's too much of a pain to sort through their shared finances and they're not unhappy, so they stay together. maybe one or both has an affair that they hide, but even if the other knew it probably wouldn't change anything. their house is really expensive and in a really nice location, it's not worth the divorce

dan and matt also probably get married, but i don't think it stays. matt seems like the type to want kids, and dan seems like the type to hate the idea. irrevocable difference. eventually they have to split. matt definitely remarries and has his kids. dan may remarry, she may not, her job is her primary concern. they stay amicable, but it's tense for a few years. they really rocks the foxes, because it's the only internal breakup between two of them

andrew and neil are both the most stable and the most happy of the foxes, because they know how to communicate and they know how to fight for each other. but also because neither of them has any grand notions of romance or true love. they didn't build their relationship on passion, they built it on understanding and cooperation. to them, a person to wake up to in the morning or sit by a window with IS a miracle. it shocks a lot of the foxes who all either subconsciously or not thought that their own relationships were better or healthier or more destined to last than andrew and neil's. over the years all the other foxes have come to them at least once, in private, looking for advice. they'd be lying if the irony of so many years of being given unasked for relationship advice coming full circle didn't make them just a but smug

nicky and erik are the other long-term success of the foxes. if nicky can stay with the twins at their worst he can shelter through normal relationship drama. still the hardest part for him is when the relationship ultimately becomes familiar, as they all do. he's always buying relationship books and planning dates and setting up relationship retreats because he's honestly so afraid of being alone if he likes the flame die. sometimes it's honestly the biggest strain on his relationship, all the frantic effort he puts in, but they get through it

renee never marries or really has any significant relationships. she says she's married to jesus and her job but she's still always a little bit haunted by her past in a way that holds her back from truly opening up to a partner. she adopts several kids though, somewhat later in life, because she believes that she can pass on the chances that stephanie gave her, and that's more important than romance

allison has a string of wild marriages and even wilder divorces that are usually the highlight of fox get-togethers. she has a child by accident and she isn't a wonderful mother. dan and renee are both very involved with her kid, for many years more than she is. when the kid is nearly an adult allison finally pulls her head out of her ass to see that she missed so much of the only relationship she can't annul. at that point she quits relationships and focuses on fixing things. it's a slow, painful process, but they manage to be close later in life

---

so, do i necessarily WANT all of these things to happen? no, many of them are quite sad. but all of them are good stories, and all of them are realistic in the sense that they are reflective of what happens in real people's lives

this is one version of how i think post-canon plays out. of course, i may change my mind later, or fiddle with the details, or want to play with an entirely different idea for one or more or all of the characters

[iwanttosetmybrainonfire]

Would anyone be interested in something like this? I've never written anything before and i dont really know how English punctuation works.

Basically it would be a pretty long fic in which may left neil at 11, he ends up in foster care, somehow meets renee through the gang (still working out the timelines), and basically becomes her unofficial little brother.

****************************************************

"Maman?"

"Maman, ich bin müde", when that only earns him a dirty look, he sighs.

"Maman?"

"It's mom" her tone is not soft, never soft, but she doesn't reach to scuff his head or pinch his leg for having mixed up his languages. He takes it as a good sign.

"Mom, I'm tired" he tries again, "I don't want to sleep in the car again, can't we find a motel or something?"

She's distracted again, she's been doing that a lot, lately. She's also been a lot more lenient, too. Usually, this kind of request was met with a backhanded slap, and the reminder to be grateful he's still able to breath, let alone whine. But today is not that kind of day, and David is not the type of kid not to take advantage of that.

"Mom? Please?"

"What?"

"Can we sleep in a bed today?"

She hums, "If we find one, sure"

Even if she's been granting an awful lot of his wishes in the last month, he doesn't dare ask if she means it, in case she changes her mind.

They sit in silence for a while. It's boring. He almost misses having to learn German. At least he could listen to the radio, back then. Then he remembers the beating he got when he failed to properly translate his thoughts and proceeded to make a blabbering fool of himself in public. It's boring, silence is boring, but it's safe. David rests his head on the window. He sleeps.

When he wakes up, his mother is still, her hands tight around the wheel, her gaze fixed on the airport's entrance.

"Abram",his first Truth,"What's your name?", She snaps

The response is immediate, "David Waltz"

"How old are you?

"12"

"Where are you from? What's the story?"

"I'm from X. I'm flying to England with my mother because my father opened a business overseas. He's already there, we're catching up to him."

These are not his first Lies, nor will they be the last, but he's a Liar at heart, so he lets himself imagine that they are Truth. The most believable lies, after all, are those that one believes to be true.

"Good, be good and never forget that. Don't look back, don't slow down, and don't trust anyone"

It's a mantra. It's what kept them alive for the past year and a half. It's the only truth he was allowed in way longer than that.

"Be anyone but yourself, and never be anyone for too long", they finish together.

They gather their stuff.

Airports are all pretty much the same. He's seen enough of them that he probably wouldn't even need to read the signs to know where to go. Still, his mother always gets really stressed, worrying about their fake IDs. The best was to not get overwhelmed, he's learned, is to sleep through most of it. That's why he doesn't bother to put up much of a fight when she tells him to take a nap, even if he woke up about an hour ago. They're sitting in a waiting area, the gaits nowhere near getting open, but there's a wall at his back and his mother by his side. That's enough, for now. He brings his duffel bag close to his chest and nods off again.

It's the sound of clothes shifting that wakes him. Someone is sitting next to him. It's not his mother.

A glance at the windows tells him it's early in the morning. A glance at the clock on the opposite walls confirms it's 4.23 am. The flight took off at 9:45 pm.

He stands. Trying to look as casual as possible, he scans the room. His mother is not here. But airports are huge, it's possible she just went to check something out, although it would be unlike her not to wake him.

Just as he's about to walk off, the old lady sitting in his mother's spot looks at him.

"Is something wrong, dear? Aren't you a bit young to be here alone?"

She seems worried.

He keeps looking. His palms are starting to sweat. It takes him a moment to realize she's talking to him.

"Uhm, no nothings wrong, I'm fine", she doesn't look convinced so he adds "Just, have you seen a woman here? This tall, black hair, duffel bag?"

She hasn't, she tells him so.

His palms are definitely sweating.

He excuses himself and rushes to the bathrooms, locks himself in a stall. It takes a few minutes to get his breathing under control, when he does he's sound of mind enough to look for something, anything that might lead to her.

He starts by his duffel bag. Nothing is evident, except the tags on his clothes are folded wrong. He keeps looking. He finds nothing.

He picks up his binder. It feels lighter. He opens it.

It looks the same, exy cutouts of the ravens,all evidence of his unhealthy obsession with Kevin Day and Riko Moriyama still intact. He checks in between pages. All his contacts are gone, no way for him to remember, since they were all written in code. Most of the money is gone, too. He could live on the few hundreds left for a few months, vut there's no way an eleven year-old could rent a place without being suspicious.

He checks frantically again each page.

He finds it.

'Be good'

The writing wasn't rushed. It looked normal. It was possible the note hadn't even been written recently. It certainly didn't seem so, the edges of the paper thinner, as if held for long.

His father's men hadn't found them. It wasn't code for "Hide, I'll find you when it's safe",not this time, if it wasn't already clear feom the way she took everything. Still, the words were written as if heavy, as if they held a deeper meaning he couldn't understand just yet, as if they weren't the most shallow of goodbyes.

She left him.

She hadn't run.

She left him.

That was the Truth.

[neil-jortson]

The monsters playing dnd

When Nicky brought it up for the first time it was right after Neil had come in for summer practice. Nicky thought they needed a unifying way to spend time together and an adventure game might keep Andrew occupied. He also thought it may bring the twins together and Kevin would enjoy role playing if he could get out the stick lodged in his ass.

He never thought they would agree

They started out by letting Kevin DM. This was a terrible idea and after just two sessions it was ruled he was never allowed to DM again.

He micromanaged the players and wouldn’t let them stray at all from his storyline. The others found it too constrictive and would actually try to mess up his campaigns.

They didn’t know what to do who would DM? Andrew doesn’t talk enough and Nicky talks too much.

Enter: Aaron

He was skeptic at first but while he was drafting his first campaign he started to get into it. He loved the ideas of creating arcs and mini arcs for their characters to follow. The others secretly admired how all of the arcs tied together to be one cohesive story.

Aaron came to realize that he could rely on Andrew’s memory to help move the story along and solve any riddles based on past actions. (Betsy was pleased to hear that they were bonding) Kevin was really good at the puzzle games Aaron would create and Nicky could charm almost anyone and was great at making distractions for the others to work.

Andrew played a rogue half orc named Jimmy. He created the character when he was still on his court mandated drugs and after he got off them he still felt oddly connected to the character.

Nicky plays a human bard named Eduardo because “why mess with perfection and by perfection I mean me”

Kevin plays a high elf artificer named Charles Merryweather.

As Andrew grew to trust Neil, eventually they invited him to join their group. Andrew helped him make a character and he played a few times but he found he liked watching them a whole lot more.

He also saw how Aaron would end up using the same voices for different NPCs so after talking to him one night he starts to voice the minor characters the crew would encounter. Aaron would give him a sheet of who the characters were and what they know and some things he wants the characters to say and then Neil would interact with the players as that “npc”

The others love it because Neil has a knack for doing all of these different accents. One day Nicky off handedly asked how a “boy from bum fuck Arizona” can mimic so many different accents. Neil kept cool and told them that he used to watch a lot of TV from all these different countries. “I guess I just picked up in the accents” he would say.

At some point during the year Aaron had him voice a character named Frederick Von Frostgiggle. On this characters sheet it simply said “Frederick is known for his body odor (he reeks of sulfur) and his pompous attitude”

Neil has the perfect accent in mind. When the characters first interacted with Frederick Neil cleared his throat for an ubnoxious amount of time before punching his nose shut and using an overboard British accent to say “well hello gentlemen my name is Frederick Von Frostgiggle”

Nicky soon forgot the characters name and accidentally referred to him as Fart Face. This then became his name and the crew loved him as a character. Neil felt ridiculous voicing him but it made him feel like a normal kid so he did it anyway.

After the introduction of fart face, not an arc went by without the appearance of that stinky boy.

One day as the monsters were heading towards their dorm room they were laughing up a storm from a reference Nicky had made in the elevator on the way up. Dan and Matt were just leaving the dorms when they heard the commotion and asked what was so funny.

Neil had no clue what came over him but he responded in all his fart face voice glory “it is, hmm how do you say- ah, none of your business”

What decorum the group held was completely shattered when his hand came up to his nose and they knew what was coming. Even Andrew looked amused as Nicky doubled over. He was laughing so hard it took him five tries to get the key in the lock.

Matt and Dan gave each other weird looks but decided not to comment because they were all getting along and they didn’t want to ruin that.

After the finals and all the bad stuff that had happened Neil and Aaron started to warm up to each other. Neil started working with Aaron and giving him campaign ideas. They creatively worked well together and started making these elaborate campaigns that were subtle until the end when everything came to the foreground and blew the players minds.

It didn’t happen often, but sometimes Andrew would ask what he should expect or do the next time they played. Neil never told him anything but if Andrew made a guess he could tell by Neil’s smile if he was right or not.

They continued this tradition of playing for years. When they all moved out of palmetto they would do it over Skype. It was a major stress relief from their daily lives and a way for them to stay connected. It caused so many inside jokes and made Neil feel deeply connected to his friends.

[p-antalons]

hi! buckle up because im feeling funky and would like to write about what makes the aftg characters so compelling. to me? it��s the potential.

all the foxes come from shitty backgrounds. they’ve suffered so much and it always seems like they’re dealt the worst cards. the fixes never get what they deserve.

however, we as readers WANT them to overcome their shitty past and make themselves different. why shouldn’t we? they’ve all worked so hard and fought against everything against them. from their horrible family, to tragic teen trauma, it seems like the system is ALWAYS against them. whenever there’s a piece of hope, it’s quickly dashed away from them. for example, andrew. as soon as he got placed with the spears, it seemed like he might actually have a future. he might actually become a halfway “normal” member of society. but then, all those hopes are dashed and andrew is forced to make choices that ruin it.

that’s why in the kings men, the ending where they win can feel so absurd. finally, for once in their desperate lives, the foxes get what they deserve. they fought tooth and nail and it worked. the foxes succeeded in something that almost seemed impossible.

this is also why so many people can be AGAINST the extra content. they don’t get what they deserve in the content. in fact, it might be the opposite. i’ll break it down.

allison: in the books, we get to see her as someone who always saw the best in seth and broke free from her parents to become someone of her own. in the extra content, she reconciles with her parents. this is against what her character in the original trilogy would do. she fought so hard to live a path of her own and her going back to her parents and using their money is a disappointment. personally, i think it would’ve been more in character for her to get rich off of her own means. she has the ambition and skill to be successful. why shouldn’t she? along with that, there’s the fact that she gets with a shitty man that she can’t change. this is disappointing. allison in the books spent two books grieving seth and trying to move on. to get with someone who is similar to seth, reverting her back is kind of sad to me. is it realistic? perhaps. but as a reader, i want her to be better and reverting to her past self isn’t something i think is necessarily good.

andreil: in the extra content, the two of them seem to be with each other not out of love, but out of knowing that no one else cares for them. i don’t buy it. the two of them clearly developed their relationship in the kings men. they care for each other. it isn’t just a bitter situation. there’s also the issue of andrew only tolerating neil. when neil is sad, andrew doesn’t comfort him. while andrew may not be the best at comforting neil, you’re telling me that book three andrew wouldn’t try his damn best in the way he knows how? she makes it seem too reliant on neil and not enough on how the two of them compliment each other.

andrew: andrew never truly gets better in nora’s extra content. while people that have gone through tramau tend to carry it with them for the rest of the life, they aren’t static. they change over time and develop. saying that andrew remains the way he has been since sophomore year in college is bullshit. andrew is going to grow. he’s going to be shaped by the people around him, whether or not he realizes it or not. he isn’t going to remain the same and it’s rude to say so. andrew can and will change, especially with the help of the support system he has. he’s got family, friends, and a great counselor that are all willing to help him as best as they can.

kevin: my real problem with kevin isn’t his development but instead, thea. thea in the extra content is shown to be rather dismissive of kevin’s troubles with the ravens. y’all, i’m calling bullshit. i don’t think kevin would be able to progress if he had someone like that on his side. if anything, it’d be pretty bad for his mental state. i don’t get it. it doesn’t make sense to me why kevin would be with someone like that. not to mention, their relationship was founded on mutual respect for exy. considering kevin, that’s pretty reasonable. but someone who is a former raven and experienced a shitty experience but still holds them in high regard? married to kevin “had my raven adoptive brother break my playing hand and emotionally manipulate me since childhood” don’t @ me, i don’t like it.

the foxes: nora states that the foxes never become extremely close and bond. i would like to fight this. while there will always be differences between them, they’re all united under a similar cause. i don’t like the idea that neil is the one who has to hold them all together when they’re older. the foxes have things in common. they would be able to bond. nicky and allison are shown to be friendly, renee is kind to everyone, matt has an in with the twins (he and aaron even room together the next year) and dan is a captain that is devoted to driving her team together. i believe that they care enough for each other to be friends after leaving psu. would they be close friends? maybe not. would they still care and support each other in whatever little ways they can? yes.

anyway, that's my two cents. feel free to say what you think because opinions are fun.

[thegreenerartist]

Okay okay guys wait

Just I M A G I N E

The Foxhole Court,,, but set in the Philippines (they’ll all still be the same characters but it’ll just take place in the Philippines!)

The Filipino & Filipina Foxes!

Okay so Neil is still on the run, with 5 mil ($) in his pocket, but think about it. There are 7,641 islands. 7,641. His father would have absolute HELL trying to find him and his mother (until she died oop) (probably somewhere where they are trying to sneak into Luzon?) So then Nathan will be stationed, not in Baltimore, but maybe somewhere in Luzon (it being the central island and all)

Neil would know how to speak English (universal language duh), Tagalog (common Filipino language) and maybe Ilongo? Or Ilocano? For Luzon, but then he’ll probably know the common languages too, like Bisaya and Cebuano for Visayas, maybe he’ll know Arabic or Islamic for Mindanao? (I highlighted the ones I think he would most likely know, but most Filipino langauges tbh sound similar. Takes maybe a few months, weeks if you’re good, to learn a language like a native)

So idk how to segúé (how to even spell??) to him meeting the Foxes bUT HE GETS THERE

Soo let’s say the Cousins (yes thats their official tital no I don’t take critisism) know how to speak Arabic while Kevin is the one who speaks Bisaya. Everyone can speak English and Tagalog because Filipinos are taught English and Tagalog early on oop

Okay fine this will still be an Exy universe (but can yall imagine? Street basketball?)

They’ll probably be learning somewhere in Luzon, most likely NCR for plot because it’s probably where Nathan and his men are too

They meet and stuff, cool shenanigans

(Their backstories might be a tad rougher than in canon because,,, yeah. It happens here)

Okay so I just wanna get to the fun stuff, since that’s what I originally planned for this post

Nicky and Allison will deffo be like those ladies who wash clothes and gossip, i.e. spreading chismis

Nicky reminds me of the gays here that go “oH HEY MGA BES!”

Andrew is THAT dude who goes up to an ice cream guy and asks for, “Cornetto. The sweetest one you have”

He wouldnt like dirty ice cream. It’s too bland and milky, not sweet

Neil would fit right in. Everyone here wears shirts and pants/shorts. Some guys dont even bother putting a shirt on

Dan and Neil go bonding to the palengke (wet market) since most of the other foxes have been raised in middle class

Matt buys those birds in the cages so he can set them free like the good boy he is :)

Renee is a BOSS in chinese garter

Allison was the heir to,, idk probably something like SM or something

Aaron is every asian parents’ dream tbh

Also I love the idea of them getting houses since Filipino houses here look basic as heck but look SO authentic, as in yall could go, “wow that looks like a normal house” but then,,, yall would know. That’s a Filipino’s house right there

Everyone get’s THOSE houses where there are literal bars on the windows and the fence is so goddamn tall

Except for Kevin and Allison

Those two would get the classy stuff

Like Allison would probably be living in those houses that were during the Spanish Colonial Period (with Renee because duh)

Kevin will get a private resort or something somewhere in Boracay or Palawan or something (with no one because I fully support aro ace Kevin [ but bi Kevin is awesome too though don’t get me wrong {sorry Thea}])

I would love to propose the idea of Neil calling Andrew ‘mahal’ or ‘love’(THEY ARE MARRIED HERE LET ME LIVE) (ILL JUST SAY THEY GOT MARRIED IN THE US OKAY)

In the morning, when they wake up and Neil goes, “m’hal, pakibukas ung bintana” “love, can you open the blinds?”

(Fun fact, the prefix paki is a polite way of asking someone to do the action, the same way you say ‘may’, ‘can’ and ‘please’)

But then ‘mahal’ ALSO means ‘expensive’ in Tagalog. I find it funny because Andrew is truly, very, absolutely expensive

“My god napakamahal naman yan’ Drew’!”

“Oh my god Drew’, that’s so expensive!”

“mAy stAnDArdS akO excUSE Me!!11!”

“I have standards excuse me!”

“M A H A L ‘W A G”

“L O V E , N O”

I love the idea that they play basketball in their free time with neighbourhood kids, as in street basketball

It starts with Andrew and Neil

They were outside, holding hands (it’s ok Philippines isn’t SUPER homophobic) (and even if someone was stupid enough to talk them down, they have knives :)

And these,,, kids go up and be like, “laro?” “play?”

Because kids right?

And BOOM it becomes a thing (usually on their breaks :)

Renee joins because Peace Corps (actually no. She did it out of the kindness of her own heart)

Then Dan, Matt and Nicky wanted to join

Allison was dragged there by Renee

Katelyn wanted Aaron to come too

Kevin decided to go since it’s the off-season and he has nothing to do, yaba daba da he actually misses his foxes

He keeps mumbling, “buti pa kapag nilaro nila an Exy *grumble grumble*” “it would be better if the played Exy instead *grumble grumble*”

They are happy :D

Okay so yall know how Kevin is a health freak

So one day Andrew will eat one too many goSH DARN AICE AND KEVIN WILL HAVE A F I T

Andrew doesn’t care

Until he does

Kevin can go on and on about how unhealthy some foods are and blah blah blah

But yall cANNOT TELL ME that that boy does NOT eat those streetfoods

Im talking about fishballs, squidballs, siomai, tokneneng, ALL OF THAT JAZZ

(That’s what happens when yall let a person who never played in the neighbourhood try streetfood) (they get OBSESSED) (I can tell from experience lol)

Then Andrew keeps that footage for blackmail

Just imagine. Kevin Day. Eating. The oiliest. The most unhealthy. Goddamn streetfood

I’ll probably make more :P it was fun to write this!

I would love it if this were liked and reblogged 🥺👉👈 I would appreciate that very much because I spent some time on this and I need validation 🥺🥺

[lyndiscealin]

Kevin Day and my take on anxiety (disorder)

So... this is bothering me for a few weeks now. The following post will be more about me and my own problems than about Kevin’s. 

I write this because I had a false picture of Kevin for a long long time, which is entirely Neil’s fault. Or it’s my fault mainly because you never should believe what people tell you about other people. Only because Neil says that Kevin is a coward it doesn’t mean he is. So let me tell you why my own nervous breakdown opened my eyes and let me tell you some things about my own anxiety disorder I discovered only a few weeks ago.

But before that, I will explain you why Neil thinks Kevin is a coward. The facts are these: Kevin grew up relatively sheltered. Yes there was some abuse but it’s nothing compared to Neil’s or Andrew’s childhood, right? Yeah I think we kind of are on the same page here. Kevin’s childhood was far from nice or sheltered, but Neil and Andrew had it so much worse. And they turned out kind of brave and Neil seems relatively fine if you think about it.

But let us step a bit back. In our culture we have a really weird take on mental disorders. For us it is okay that Andrew sometimes is not able to function, it’s understandable, because he had it so bad. And we can fully understand that Neil is afraid of older men and can’t accept gifts without having a mental breakdown. But we are not able to comprehend that Kevin has a meltdown when only thinking that he could perhpas meet Riko. With two guardians at his side, with a lot of people watching so there is no way that anything could possibly happen even if Riko would be stupid enough to try something. And that is not understandable because rationally there is no threat, nothing to really worry about. Why can’t Kevin see it? Why can’t he be like Neil or Andrew? Why don’t we get that people can’t control what part of our brain breaks if we get hurt? Let us step even further away. Did anyone you know ever told you they sometimes can’t get out of bed? And you thought perhaps ‘why? Your life is good, no big drama in your family or anything particularly bad happened to you. Why are you depressed? Why can’t you function properly?’ If so, I have an answer for you: Our society treats mental illnesses differently to physical insuries. It’s in all our heads that you have to have a trauma for ‘being allowed’ to get mentally sick. There are people who fall out of a window on the second or third (or even higher) floor and they are okay. And we say ‘oh wow that was luck’. And then there are people who slide on the last step of a stair and break their ankle and their hip and their arm. Nobody says ‘but you just fell down one step??? How are you not able to hold it together? How did you break all those parts of your body? WTF dude?’. No, we accept that it happened, because we can see that it did. We have proof. Someone telling is ‘I broke my arm three years ago’ isn’t proof. We have to believe this person. Someone telling us ‘Nothing really bad happened to but my brain broke nevertheless’ can’t be proven either.

So... it depends a bit on the circumstances. If you fall there are circumstances, too. How good are you at catching yourself? Are you quick enough to grip something which can hold you up? Are you carrying something with you and on instinct you cling to it instead of letting it go and save yourself from the fall? Were you tired so your reactions are slower? Was your body angled weirdly before your fall because you were talking to someone? Is your bone structure alright?

It is the same for mental issues. There are circumstances and every individual lives in other circumstances. For someone who lived very sheltered being yelled at for the first time can be a traumatic experience. There are different coping mechanisms which develope pretty individually and without much control.

Everyone seems to get that there may be people who are just clumsy, but there are not much people who understand that there are some people who can’t defend themselves because they don’t know how. 

So let’s get back to Kevin: Even if the hand breaking was the first cruel thing Riko did to him, Kevin’s psych could have broken nevertheless. And it would be valid. Even if Riko just insulted him from time to time, it could have broken Kevin and it would be valid.

But Neil and Andrew are protecting him! - You might think. There is where my story comes in. So sit back and let me tell you a bit about anxiety disorders. You might know where this is going about now, I will tell anyway.

Let’s inspect my circumstances:

I was born sensitive. I am not sure if this is a genetic thing (I think it isn’t, my family has no sensitiv or empathic bone in them). Recent studies show that new borns try to please their mother so they will get fed. If I don’t mix anything there it is even more obvious with premies,  but I forgot why. I was born nearly 3 weeks early. I don’t know if this is true, but it would explain SO MUCH.

I was one of this babys who are really, really quiet. My mother tells stories about her checking in on me when I slept because she was afraid I had died in my sleep. I nearly never cried and always kept myself entertained. Not much work there.

But I turned out to be a pretty normal kid. There are stories about me getting my bigger sister in trouble and such things.

But then I got this eating disorder. No one knows why and I can’t remember properly. I can remember one day where my sister tried to trick me into eating dinner and I remember being annoyed by it because I knew what she was doing, but I can’t remember why I didn’t want to eat anything. I was fairly young. I don’t know if I was going to kindergarden at the time. So perhaps I was 3? Maybe 4?

Of course my mother was pretty worried. And then this friend of hers told her she should stop putting tableware for me on the table. And when I asked she should say ‘You won’t eat with us, why should I put it on there?’ I can’t remember this day, but every time my mother tells this story, she is proud because she fixed the issue. And I think she did something really horrible there. I don’t blame her. She didn’t know better and she was worried her child might stop eating altogether. But... but a child can’t understand this, right? ‘If I don’t behave like they want to I won’t get something to eat’ might be what I was thinking when she did this. It would make sense. Because I was a really angsty child. There are stories of me not even going to my grandma (who lives in the same house as my parents). I remember being afraid of using the wrong shampoo. I was so afraid of getting in trouble for things normal kids did without thinking about it. My mother has a short temper and she is pretty good in making you feel guilty, but none of my other siblings were as afraid as I was. I was terrified. 

And then my mother got depressed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what happened and I don’t know exactly when it happened but I remember being in 7th or 8th Grade and explaining to my teacher that I fucked up an announced and pretty easy test because my mother had a nervous breakdown a few days earlier. And that wasn’t the starting point of all of it. It began months perhaps years prior. in 8th Grade I was 14 or 15. (I was bullied in school, too, but that has nothing to do with my anxiety and I got over that about 10 years ago, so I will skip this part)

Because I was the sensitive one I was the only one who told other members of my family that whatever my mother did, she couldn’t help herself. I didn’t know what mental illnesses were yet, so I told the others she was pretty stressed and tired. My mother doesn’t know about this. She doesn’t know that for years people came to me to complain about her and I tried to defend her. She had huge fallouts with my sister and my father and my grandmother. Again and again and again. My sister moved out before it got really bad. I don’t even know how much she knows about what happened in the house. 

My mother never did anything more than yelling. She never beat us, she never took away our meals. She tried to be a good mother, I know this. She taught us how to swim and how to ride a bike. She got us through school and all three of us went to university (they are free in my country, she couldn’t have afforded the fees of an amarican university).

But she was emotionally abusive. My whole teenage life I felt like it was partly my fault that she was hurting so much. Because I couldn’t do it right. She never cumminicated enough with us. And every time something went wrong she yelled at us and made us feel like we were a burden. And there was more and more that went wrong because I was so afraid of doing something wrong that everytime I had to ask my mother of something, I waited until the last possible time. Until today my mother thinks I am unreliable and unorganized, but in reality I am obsessive with all my tasks and the only reason I was sloppy as a teenager was because I didn’t had the courage to ask my mother things. 

There ware months (perhaps a year or two even) where she seemed to do nothing but yell. I now call it the ‘divorcing phase of my parents’. They are still married but whenever I hear someone say how their home was a year before their parents divorced I think ‘Oh, that was this thing that happened there’. My parents still live together. Because you don’t give up on family.

That’s the other side of my family and until this year I was kind of proud about this fact: We are holding together. If someone is in need of help, he gets it. Or at least it seemed that way. Turns out that first of all: This is only for non mental things. When I first talked with my mother about my own depression she told me I shouldn’t go to a therapist because they were evil (that’s the short of the speech she gave me).  Second of all: I don’t even know how I should call this. Or how to explain. let’s say... there are a lot of exceptions to this rule and sadly my brother and I fell out of this rule pretty damn often. Third: Helping in need doesn’t mean being nice to each other the rest of the time. I would rather take it the other way around if I’m being honest. It would be shitty still but I can handle my own problems. I can’t bear my familiy....

In the 10 years or so where she was sick and kind of unbearable there was one rule in our household: Don’t get your mother angry. NEVER!!!!

And because my mother got used to it that her emotions were the most important of us all she stopped caring about others emotions. At least it seems like it. Let me give you some of her greatest hits, she told me in my face (it will sound a bit fake because I have to translate it from the german in my head to understandable english without losing information):

You don’t want to see your sister? What happened this time? Really, I can’t stand this right now. 

You are crying because you are afraid of the exam tomorrow? You can’t not write it, you would need even longer for your bachelors degree.

(When I had 2 days every week were I was out of the house from 8:20am until 9:30pm, two days from 8:20am to at least 5pm and had fridays off from university but had to do my homework and other prep still; and she all but worked for 30 hours a week): You never do anything in the household! Every time I come home it looks shitty! You have the weekends off, do something!

And then a week later after I didn’t eat more than one slice of bread each day and she asked me why and I couldn’t say ‘because of her’ because NEVER GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!! I told her that I was worried about my grades at University so I had some reason for feeling shitty that didn’t involve her... she told me that I had to get my ass up and study more because apparantly I had my weekends off so I had to do something on these days...

After the fall out with my sister which finally got me to go to therapy my mother told me that she wouldn’t get involved in any of our interpersonal problems anymore and that she expected us to behave around one another because we all are family and can be expected to get along (the translation of this sentence is: if you don’t keep swallowing the shit your sister does to you and say another word I will get really angry (AND YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!!)) She also told my sister that she was grateful my sister lived so far away and they weren’t able to see each other that much

So over time this whole ‘don’t get your mother angry’ thing muteted to ‘shut the fuck up because if you have a problem I get angry.’

This is my context (it is a lot I’m sorry)

But for 6 years now I don’t live with my parents anymore. My mother is better now, the last two years I visited regularly and we even had kind of fun together. I stopped talking with my mother about important things in my life. I still don’t get along with my sister because everything I am she either doesn’t understand or detests greatly (she hates that I am still a student after 10 years (I never took a dime from my family for going to university... just to be clear. I earn my own money since before I moved out))

But it was okay. We got along, most of the visits were pretty nice.

And then corona happened. Not because one of my family members got sick. We are healthy as can be. No... but because of corona I stopped visiting. Additionally my sister got a child.

I called my mother, father and grandmy regularly, everything was fine. I was so well me and my therapist talked about ending therapy. I was happy.

And then I heard that my sister still wanted to get her child baptised and wanted to make it a family event. With 12 people overall.

I didn’t want to come, because for me it was too dangerous. And because it wasn’t just the church visit, it was visiting a restaurant too. No possibility to wear a mask all day, keep distance... a fucking restaurant.

To her defense it was well planned. Both families (hers and her husband’s) were at seperate tables and it was in a seperate room from the rest of the restaurant. The possibility of someone getting sick was low. But it was there. And I was terrified so I said ‘No’.

I talked to my therapist first for a professional opinion on things and he too said it was okay to say no because of the corona situation. He advised me to write an e-mail so I did. I had anxiety attacks for 3 days while I wrote this mail. I let 10 or so people beta read it. I talked to friends if it really was okay to say ‘no’ because I was about to hurt my sister pretty bad with this. AND YOU DON’T HURT YOUR FAMILY!!! YOU JUST SHUT UP AND DO WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

On the day I sent the mail to my sister (and a copy to my parents so there was no ‘he said she said’ situation) my father called me. He was furious. How could I? My poor sister! My mother was also furious. How could I do this? I shoudl think about this. You are afraid? You can’t be afraid all your life you have to take risks and this isn’t even a risk you are ridiculous. It’s still 3 weeks until the event, think about it. He ended the call after 10 minutes with ‘I have to go, I am starting to cry’.

I couldn’t stop walking after this for hours. I walked miles in my apartment. I cried and cried and walked and hyperventilated. I don’t know what I would have done if not for my roommate who held me together somehow. I turned my phone and my mobile off, I was terrified to look into my e-mails. I hurt my family, all of them... I feld like dying. I can’t explain this feeling. This one phone call destroyed me. Completly. And I was better then... I had wanted to... ending therapy wasn’t an option now (and god was I glad we hadn’t decided to end it)

And this was only my father. My sister called me a week later or so. To her defense she really tried to be understanding. She wasn’t, but she tried. She didn’t yell, she didn’t even tell me that she had cried (she did, my grandma told me later) ... she really tried... but she also said that I should call my mother because she was ‘worried’ about me. My brother later told me, that my mother expected a call from me. I waited. Terrified. One panikattack after the other. The babptism went by... My grandma called and told me she wanted to kill my therapist for making me abandon my family. (never told her I even talked with him about the situation, she just assumed)

I somehow lived through her accusations and we ended the call on kind of good terms? But she told me I should call my mother. She wasn’t mad jsut worried. I didn’t want to. I waited.

I missed 4 calls of my mother and on friday I called her back. 5 weeks after I send the mail. I won’t tell you how the call went. It isn’t the point. I think I overshared enough here. It wasn’t pretty, but I have to come back to my point here.

After hearing this story you may imagine what a lot of my friends said: Just shut them out of your life.

But I can’t. My flatmate and all of my friends would help me through it, but I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. They threw everything away what I build the last years with them onyl because I didn’t went to the baptism (my family is not really religous btw. This isn’t about their believe. It’s because it was a family event and I opted out). I am at the end of my tether. But I can’t end it. Because I am terrified.

Because my brain is screaming at me that I can’t do this. I can’t.... I can’t... I can’t. And the longer I wait til my next visit the worse it will get.

I am stuck. My therapist and I try to work on it but it is difficult. There are so much layers of problems there, we aren’t through all of them and I am panicking everytime I have thoughts about my family. And I am angry. I am so, so angry. But I can’t do anything.

I am not a coward, I now this. I grew up in a family I had to duck my had to live. I moved out, started my own life, will get my masters degree in computer science at some point, I go to work like a normal human being and I am able to keep myself together. I am not a coward because the anxiety I feel was forced on me. I am mentally sick. All my coping mechanisms which helped me survive my childhood home are useless now and stand in my way.

I am not spineless. Visiting my family again is the most terrifying thing I ever did even if I know that nothing will happen there. No one will hurt me physically. I will go there and after a few hours I will come back to my home and my cats and everything will be fine. I know this. But I keep having panik attacks. I am still furious. I am terrified. And I feel powerless. Rationally I know that I have all the power here. My family is terrified of me breaking the bonds. I know that. It’s so much leverage, but I can’t use it. I just can’t...

I am not even able to ask my mother to one of my therapie sessions. So my therapist could help me say a few things.

I am terrified of Christmas. I don’t want to go. But I don’t know how to say ‘no’.

So back to Kevin.  I know how he feels when he is forced to see Riko again. I know the feeling. And he is not a coward or spineless; because he goes to games against the ravens, he goes to the banketts and in the last book he gets rid of the number and faces Riko on the court, spits some japanese which makes Riko furious and wins the fucking game. Only because Neil and Andrew can cope better with their Anxiety doesn’t mean Kevin is a coward. After everything I went though the last 12 weeks, I can say loud and clear: Kevin Day is a fucking hero And he has my respect. I hope one day I can get free of my boundaries, too. 

[simonsrosebud]

the one where someone doesn’t know who kevin day is, pt. 5

part one two three four

extra kalton content

games are over for the rest of the winter, and since winter break doesn’t officially start for another week it means that kevin spends most of his time at dalton’s apartment.

which, to be frank, isn’t any different than normal.

what is different, is that now kevin has much more free time to worry about meeting dalton’s family. how did he let himself get roped into staying there for a week?

oh right. because he’s trying to be a good boyfriend. and being a good boyfriend means doing this for dalton because it’s important to him. that’s probably why it’s stressing him out.

kevin flinches when a carrot hits his cheek. “come back to the present, will you?”

he drops his head back against the sofa. “sorry. i zoned out.”

and when dalton is dropping him off at his class for his first final of the semester, “are you okay?”

kevin shrugs. “i’m nervous about meeting your family.” he looks at dalton’s lap instead of his face.

dalton puts the car in park and leans over the center console to kiss his cheek. he stays there for a moment. “i know it won’t help to say there’s nothing to worry about, but it’s still true. they’ll love you because i love you.”

oh.

oh.

what?

“what?” kevin drags his stare up to dalton’s face. he’s smiling, he knows exactly what he’s done.

and dalton takes kevin’s face in his hands. “i love you. and i don’t expect you to say it back, and me saying it probably isn’t helping to make you less nervous, but thinking about me loving you is probably nicer than thinking about meeting my family.” he kisses kevin. “you gotta go, kev.”

kevin’s mouth is still hanging a little, and when he drags himself out of the car he leans into the open window. “you-you’re just gonna spring that on me and leave?”

“yep. and you’re going to think about it when you’re doubting yourself taking this exam.” he puts the car in drive, and blows him a dramatic kiss. “text me when you’re done?”

“no- i mean, yes, but-“

“good luck, love you!” and he drives off.

kevin watches his car until it turns the corner, and tugs at his hair before going inside.

he may have failed his exam, he may not have. he can’t really tell. either way, he lies a little to dalton when walking out. just got done, still have to wait for the class to end the exam before we can leave.

that kinda sucks. just txt me when ur done

kevin doesn’t know who to call, but his thumb eventually lands on abby.

“hey. are you okay? i feel like you never call me,” she laughs, and kevin grimaces. he should do it more often, then.

“i’m just stressed about something and… you’re the only person i thought to call.” he sits on a nearby bench outside his building. before abby can say anything he gets back to it. “dalton said i love you this morning and i don’t know what to do about it.”

“well, kevin, you don’t have to do anything about it. you can say it back? if you feel the same way?”

he does. he thinks. does he? is it just him thinking he should say it back because it’s the nice thing to do? he and thea never said it.

kevin shakes his head. his relationship with thea was toxic and a little fabricated.

kevin freezes. he’s never said i love you to someone and meant it. he takes a deep breath. he’s so fucked up. he knows he’s fucked up and it makes his head spin, but he can’t dwell on it because more of his reality would crash around him, and he’s already working through enough of it with bee behind the scenes.

“kevin?”

“i’m here. i don’t know if i feel the same, yet.”

“i know. you don’t have to say it. you can wait until you’re ready, or you don’t ever have to say it if you never feel it. he seems nice, i mean, i’d surely think that he’d be okay with you waiting?”

why did he call her? no one really knows his relationship but him.

he calls dalton. “i’m out, now. can you take me to the stadium?”

kevin shoots on an empty goal, hounding balls at cones for what’s probably close to two hours before the door opens.

wymack looks at him expectantly. “remember when betsy said you shouldn’t be spending more time here than necessary? like you did last year with the god-awful night practices?”

kevin plants the end of his racquet to the ground. “i had a lot on my mind.”

wymack retreats back through the hall. kevin follows. “should i be playing dad or coach right now?”

kevin doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to him saying things like that. about being his father. it’s not like he ever thought of him as just his coach, the day he found out that david wymack was his father that’s all he’s been able to think of him as in his head. the reality of it is just… different. shocking, even now.

“both?” wymack turns, an eyebrow raised. “dalton told me he loves me. i can’t say it back yet, so i don’t know what to say to him when i see him.”

he crosses his arms. “hey, dalton, you know i’m basically head over heels for you as anyone can tell, but i can’t say i love you yet because i’ve got shit up here that i need to settle first.” and after a moment. “too coach?

kevin shrugs. “it’s what i expected.”

it’s close enough to what he tells dalton, too. just without the head over heels and softer wording of “i’m fucked in the head”.

and he feels a little lighter when dalton kisses him and tells him it’s okay. “i told you you don’t have to say it. are you uncomfortable with me saying it again? do you want me to wait?”

and he doesn’t want to- or know how to say no, i need you to keep saying it until i believe you. i need you to keep saying it so i don’t forget. so that i know you mean it.

instead, he shrugs. he’s been shrugging so much lately. he’ll turn into neil. “i like hearing it.”

“kay.” dalton smiles. “i love you, then.”

he wasn’t planning on telling dalton anything past that, but then they start making out, and dalton lies him down, and he panics. “hey.” he says.

dalton has his lips on his neck. “hey.”

“no, hey, stop, d.” and he’s off of him quicker than he can comprehend.

“are you okay?”

“yeah,” he breathes. “no, i’m fine, i just…” he sits up. “i… can’t say i love you yet because i’ve never said it to anyone.”

“i’ve only been in two other real relationships before this, that’s okay-“

“no, i mean.” he sighs. “when i was... with the ravens, you know... saying i love you, or even like, oh love you man to a friend just... wasn’t something that-that we did. especially the way i was raised, i may have said it to a friend once or twice. but i don’t...” he looks up, and dalton feels pain in his chest from the pure vulnerability in his eyes. he slides his hands up gently to kevin’s face as he whispers, “i don’t think i’ve ever said i love you to anyone and meant it.”

“hey,” he whispers back. “that’s okay, kev. that’s okay.” he hugs him and kevin takes the biggest breath ever as he tucks his face into dalton’s shoulder.

and two weeks later, kevin’s standing on the porch of the miller family home in bowie, maryland.

he glances down at the address in his notes. this is the right one.

he should have let dalton pick him up from the airport. he knows he feels bad about it, but he didn’t want him to see how nervous he was.

he knocks on the door.

it opens after a few moments. a girl almost his height stands inside the door, and kevin panics. “hi.”

but she grins. “hi! you’re kevin! come in!” she steps back and it’s so fucking warm in the house compared to outside. “i’m so excited you’re here, dalton told us all about youuu” she coos as she leads him further into the house. dalton is shouting as he runs across the kitchen to turn down the stove to stop something from boiling over, and when he turns he grins.

“kevin!” he very obviously tries not to run over to hug him, and almost lifts kevin off his toes. “how long have you been here?” he whispers.

“twenty seconds.”

“oh good. okay. how was your flight?” he shrugs. “okay, cool, uh, let’s take your bag to my room.”

dalton kind of rushes them downstairs. his room and a spare bedroom are the only ones down there, and when he shuts the door behind them he takes a deep breath. “i’m sorry. i’m really nervous. my family’s kind of loud and my sisters are those people who just kind of act like they’ve known you for a while within five minutes of meeting you, so they probably won’t care to be weird in front of you. and my dad acts real tough and he’ll do the dad thing from movies and hammer you” kevin has no idea what he’s talking about. “um, and my sisters are annoying and if they bitch at each other just ignore it- it’s just what they do. and i just-”

“dalton it’s fine!” kevin shrugs out of his coat. “you forget i’ve lived with andrew, nicky, and neil. every awkward or tense moment is created because of them.”

he also knows how to school his expression in strange situations. again, he’s grown up in the spotlight.

so dalton leads him back upstairs where his mother is standing at the stove and his two sisters are at the table leaned close and whispering. they stop and both turn when the boys come up. “sorry, stole him for a second. um, mom, this is kevin.”

“oh, call me anne. it’s so nice to finally meet you! dalton’s told us plenty.”

“you as well. i’m just glad i was able to come out here this winter.” he’s got on his press smile on instinct. he’s so nervous, he feels like he’s sweating.

“i’m carmen, this is bella!” the girls wave from their spots at the table, and before he can say hello carmen speaks up again. he’s not complaining. “so you play exy? bella plays exy.” bella elbows her. “what!”

“i really don’t. i joined intramural at school so my friend wouldn’t be alone. i’m really bad.”

“not terrible, he could teach you some moves. he’s incredible.” now kevin shoots dalton a look. “what.”

“no, it’s okay, i mean i know who you are.” kevin’s stomach drops a little. “not like- i know that you’re famous for exy, i don’t like know you.”

kevin’s trying hard not to regret coming. why did he think he could act normal with someone else’s family?

but surprisingly, things smooth out after a few more minutes of painstaking conversation. granted, after kevin meets dalton’s father after comes home.

“kevin day. it’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.” he’s proud of his handshake, but mr. miller doesn’t pay it any mind.

“george. nice to meet you.” he nods, and grabs a bottle from the fridge. “beer? dalt, you get him a drink?”

kevin stiffens as he sits back at the table. “i don’t drink, sir.”

george frowns for a moment. he doesn’t remember how old dalton said he was. “you’re not underage, are you?” only three years younger, right?

“no, i just don’t drink.” anymore.

“fair enough.” he sits back at the table, and gestures towards his face. “see you’ve got a tattoo. why the face?”

“dad!” carmen is doing homework on her laptop, but looks up with a shocked look on her face. “don’t be rude,” she mumbles.

“i’m just asking!”

kevin honestly doesn’t know who to go by, but he feels his dad is the right route. “it’s a cover up. the one under it was a cocky premature thing with... uh, my, my-”

“his kind of brother.” kevin wishes carmen would butt out. but he has to play nice.

“oh! i’m sorry, i thought dalton said you were an only child.” and his dad actually seems sorry that he got his information wrong, despite it not even coming up yet, that kevin feels bad. he balls his fists under the table.

“we weren’t related. i just grew up with him. my family situation is... complicated.”

george holds his hands up after a speedy glancing at dalton. kevin thanks god for whatever face dalton must have made at him. “not my business to intrude. forget i asked about the face.”

and then things smooth out. they eat dinner, and kevin helps put dishes into the dishwasher to boost his morale with anne before joining dalton and his sisters in the living room. he sinks into the couch. dalton looks bored at what bella has on, the history channel, but kevin zones in on it. he tends to watch it a lot when andrew and neil aren’t there. or while he’s doing homework.

an hour in, both kevin and bella are enamored by whatever segment they’re playing. when dalton gets up to grab a drink, carmen smiles to herself and tosses a mini pretzel at bella, it lands on her sleeve, but she doesn’t notice.

she shakes her head. she does the same to kevin. it lands in his hood, and when he doesn’t move to take it out carmen leans forward.

dalton walks back in and lingers when he sees her. “you ever watch these two watch the history channel?” he frowns. what? “you could cut the sexual tension with a knife!”

bella snaps and kicks carmen. dalton rolls his eyes and sits with his head in kevin’s lap. carmen looks at him with a challenging brow. dalton isn’t going to let her win her little experiment.

he leans up and kisses kevin’s chin. “wanna go downstairs?”

kevin slides his hand into dalton’s hair, looks down at him for a moment. “soon. there’s still twenty minutes left.”

dalton’s jaw drops. carmen cackles.

at least he’s fitting in.

the rest of kevin’s trip to maryland at dalton’s family home are when they go to NYC for a day, and when he and dalton are just lounging around at the house and kevin says i love you

[rave-recs]

canon divergence

The First Breath by nekojita

180,525 /  mature /  andreil / 18/18

Death is presented with an interesting challenge - to live among the humans whom he finds so confusing for a short time. Normally he wouldn't consider such a thing, content to spend his days constantly wandering around while doing his job (and avoiding his father, Destruction), but this time, he's found one human in particular to be of interest so he decides to give it a try, to stay in one place for at least a few days. What can go wrong?

Only a Fury and a Virtue (or three) are determined to 'help' him out, for reasons of their own, and nothing is ever simple when so many powers that be start plotting. Death may very well regret giving in to his curiosity, along with the humans around him.

Basically, my take on the Sandman universe with TFC characters.

we might be hallow (but we’re brave) by stttmsbwa

40,681 / mature / andreil / 4/4

Andrew is looking to live his life in peaceful nothingness, but his new neighbor's cat won't stop sneaking onto his balcony. As much as he tries to not make it into something, Andrew finds himself drawn to the mysterious and tempting man next door.

Neil is just trying to find a reason to not leave Palmetto after everyone else has moved on. But he never thought he would want to run toward something in favor of running away.

(In a slightly different world, two people find themselves meeting in a softer setting and in just as much need of each other. A story about dealing with pasts, sharing secrets and a cat who is an asshole yet manages to charm everyone around it.)

the girl with blades for blood by HeavenlyDusk

5,415 / teen / andreil / 1/1 

His hair is black and his eyes are brown, but Renee takes one look at him and she knows that this is her little brother.

(Or, in which Renee was Natalie Wesninski, and she would recognize her little brother anywhere)

a place to rest your head by forever_and_always

2,910 / gen / andreil / 1/1

Kevin called Neil asking for a favor, and Neil said yes. Now he's face to face with someone he hasn't seen in a very long time.

--- Or: Neil never went to Palmetto to play with the Foxes. Kevin is the worst. And Andrew hasn't changed a single bit

runaways by philcdendron

873 / gen / andreil / 1/1

tumblr prompt: Andrew and Neil adopt a cat while still in Palmetto and of course the other foxes notice