#KEEGAN DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND AFFECTION

[tiredmetalenthusiast]

HONESTLY KEEGAN'S VOICE IS SO NICE! THAT MAN COULD TALK ME TO SLEEP OR TELL ME IT'S FRIDAY WHEN IT'S ONLY TUESDAY AND I WOULD BELIEVE HIM🙃! LITERALLY HOME GURL GETS IT BECAUSE THAT VOICE IS EXACTLY RIGHT! I LOVE HOW DOWN BAD THEY ARE FOR EACH OTHER IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY🥰! AND THEIR LITTLE DATES ARE SO CUTE! PICNICS WITH RIPLEY INCLUDED🤭! GOD AND HIM GETTING ANTSY ON THE MISSION AND JUST ATTACKING? PERFECT🤌🏻✨! MAKES HIM EVEN MORE CONNECTED TO HIS WOLF! BUT ALSO LIKE HOMIE CHILL OUT! UGHH AND THEY KISSED FINALLY😍! I'M SO EXCITED FOR THEM SKDNKLAJDBF!

Werewolf Keegan x reader 3

2.3k | fluff The gravedigger and the handkerchief in his pocket (part 1)

How the turns have tabled. You took a selfie with the dude from the woods and sent it to your group chat ‘just in case’, but a few hours later you hopped in his car for dinner.

Yes, Keegan was unsmiling the first time you met, unsettling when coupled with the fact that you were lost and just had a huge wolf sniff you. But that day, with a little smile, he was dashing with his intense blue eyes and short black hair, striking against his creamy skin. He was funny even that he didn’t speak much, which was a shame because that voice.

But if people brought strangers home on the regular, you were allowed to be a little adventurous too, especially after a long week. And it was just a burger dinner, nothing more would stem out of it. At best, he’d be your hiking buddy, and you weren’t going to say no to that. It didn’t hurt that Raider was adorable too.

When Keegan took his jacket off as you waited to be served, you tried not to stare at his solid arms as he leaned back, or the way his strong neck flexed when he turned his head. His eyes piercing as the chuckle rumbled in his chest.

Over dinner, he revealed that he was military which explained the theme of his sleeve tattoo. You wished he’d roll up the sleeve of his t-shirt and lay his left arm across the table so you could see the art in its entirety. Maybe even let you run your fingers down the dips and curves of his arm too, if he was generous.

The chance you took proved to be fruitful because one dinner turned into two, and three. And after a few innocent ‘I think you’d like this place’s from him and a handful of unassuming ‘there’s this place I want to try’s from you, dinner became a regular occurrence when he was in town.

You found yourself looking forward to each meeting, including that day, the last weekend before his next deployment. He said he would be gone for about two weeks, and even thinking of how much you were going to miss him felt embarrassing and clingy.

Oh, but why were you so on edge about it? It’s not like he’d disappear, right? Even when he was away, albeit on short missions, he was steady with his replies at the end of the day, sometimes even called when the time allowed. Those nights his voice would be tired and hushed, but so much richer. The gentleness in it always made you smile as you imagined him far in the middle of nowhere, but looking up the same moon as you. It was selfish of you to not tell him to rest up, so you did, but he always stayed a little longer.

One of you was yet to address what it was between you. It hadn’t even been two months after all – you weren’t supposed to be overthinking it, especially when he was more reciprocating than some of the men who rushed into exclusivity. So was this gift you brought a bit much, presumptuous even?

He took you to a small park at the other end of town for lunch. He’d said he’d take care of the food, promising there would be more than PB sandwiches. You laughed. You wouldn’t mind either way.

Under the clear sky, the both of you sat under a tree and you watched as he unpacked the sub sandwiches and of course some of his favourite treats. You made lemonade and brownies for dessert.

In the distance, Raider ran among other dogs as you ate. You glanced at Keegan, a small smile on his lips as he looked ahead. The trees swayed, the soft rays of the sun shining through the leaves danced on his face. His hair was tousled from the breeze, unusually fluffy that day, tempting you to run your fingers in it.

You couldn’t look away fast enough when he turned to you. He scooted closer, his tattooed arm pressed against yours.

“The subs were great. I can see why the deli is your favourite,” you said, putting the wrappers away. If you were honest, you liked his sandwiches a touch better for the simple reason that he made them.

“I’ll take you there next time. You’ll love their cubano.”

His gaze and soft smile made your heart flutter. You averted your gaze. “I got something for you.” You pulled out your gift and held it out to him. “It’s not perfect but-“

He took the folded handkerchief from you, his smile wide. “It’s perfect.” He ran his finger over the corner, a German Shepherd wearing a helmet you spent too many hours hand embroidering. “I love it, really. Thank you so much.”

He pulled you into a tight hug, the longest one he’d given. His pretty smile remained when he pulled away, so you braved yourself to kiss him on the cheek, the quiet Marine with the odd penchant for peanut butter.

The simmer in Keegan’s chest after the first dinner with you felt foreign, but he knew he wanted to see you again. He’d asked for the selfie you took on top of the trail and found himself looking at it a lot – at you, not him. You were the pretty one and he didn’t like how he looked in photos.

It didn’t take him very long to figure out that he, in fact, maybe, kind of liked you. So he texted and texted, and maybe you didn’t mind that he did because the conversations often lasted well into the night.

He had been busier the past month, and between missions, he preferred to spend the weekends he had taking you to new places in the city while holding hands instead of holing up in the cabin. With a social life and someone he genuinely wanted to talk to at the end of the day, he felt more human than he’d been in a very long time.

He shifted less and less, nowadays the idea of being human was far more appealing than rolling around on the rug as a wolf when he could be seeing or texting you. The thought of the scent never crossed his mind again.

He let himself enjoy your company without the labels – less mess in the future. It always ended the same after all. You just needed a few months to understand why it wouldn’t work out.

But as he sat on the plane taking him thousands of miles away from you, your gift he loved beyond words tucked in his pocket, he wondered if maybe he’d break this time. If maybe he’d give in to his silly daydreams and allow himself to feel more than this, even if only for a short while. Even if when he started he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

His deployment ensued like any other. He’d text you when he got back to the safehouse at the end of the day, and if the time allowed, he’d go outside for some privacy for a call. By then you’d typically be comfy in bed and would tell him to get some rest, but how could he - it was his favourite time to speak to you. He wanted to imagine that he was next to you a little longer before he had to come back to the reality of his cold mattress next to the snoring Ajax.

A week into his mission, Keegan woke up agitated. It wasn’t unusual - some days he would be from anticipation, but it was nothing a little run before leaving the safehouse couldn’t fix. That day, though, the jitters didn’t leave completely.

With their silenced rifles, he and Merrick lay prone behind the bushes, yet the faintest buzz remained in the back of his mind - so faint that it made him question if he was just imagining it. Under the starless sky, they had waited for what felt like hours, but the guards wouldn’t disperse.

It wouldn’t have been a problem on a regular day, but that day was far from good. Once again Keegan closed his eyes as he exhaled, chanting in his head to keep still, his nails digging painfully into his palms, but the urge to strike consumed him.

As a Ghost, he’d been in worse situations with less. He knew he could take down the group with no issue, but he went against protocol. The frown Merrick wore and the deep huffs of breath he took as they proceeded to gather intel told more than enough that he fucked up.

He did. He risked the operation for a compulsion, uncharacteristic of him, an anomaly as a sniper. Keegan was not impulsive.

The captain was wordless the whole ride back. Kick shot a concerned look at Keegan from the rear-view mirror, but he couldn’t meet his gaze. He had spent enough years with Merrick to know that it was the calm before the storm, but he didn’t expect for it to strike as soon as the door to the safehouse closed.

Merrick turned to him. “What the fuck was that, Keegan!” he yelled in his face. “You’re a fucking Ghost. We don’t make hair-trigger mistakes, blazing guns when you’re supposed to maintain stealth!”

He grabbed Keegan by his vest and slammed him back against the door, knocking the air out of his lungs. He held his breath, seemingly as shocked by his action as Keegan was. He stepped backwards.

“I deserved that.” The sergeant gritted his teeth.

He looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Just… Don’t let it happen again.”

With his hair still damp from his shower, Keegan groaned loudly into his pillow, but it was cut short. His pillow smelt different, light and pleasant. He lifted his head, looking at the handkerchief he just buried his nose in. He’d fallen asleep clutching it the past days, the only physical reminder of you as he smiled, remembering your voice while waiting for sleep to fall upon him.

The simmer in him halted. He picked it up, inhaling it. It was nowhere as strong as when he was a wolf, but the scent was there even if just a hint. The tension in his muscles melted away, his weight sinking into the mattress. His breathing slowed, and he fell asleep with it over his face.

The buzzing ceased. He kept your handkerchief in his chest pocket in the field. The rest of the mission went as planned and before he knew it, he was back on the plane. Merrick didn’t mention the incident again.

Freshly showered, Keegan headed straight to your place from the base. It was past dinner time, but he wasn’t willing to wait another night without seeing you.

“Keegan!”

You swung the door open with a smile and he took no time at all to pull you in a bone-crushing hug, making you laugh. He buried his face in your hair, trying not to make it obvious that he was inhaling you. The hug was curiously long to take place in the doorway, but you smiled when he pulled away.

“Smells great here. Did you cook?”

You tugged at his hand, leading him to the dining table where you’d set. “I did. I figured you’d be hungry.”

He always was. “You know me,” he said as he sat.

“I was too hungry so I ate a bit.” You brought the pan of lasagna out of the oven and took the seat across him.

He’d mentioned in passing how his mum always made the dish when he visited. “You really didn’t have to wait up, let alone cook for me.”

“I wanted to.”

His heart raced as you cut squares and served the both of you. With a home cooked meal and a satisfying hug to welcome him home, being back never felt this satiating. He didn’t deserve this.

You looked up, pushing the plate towards him. “Dig in.”

He gripped your hand. “Can I kiss you?”

Your eyes widened, amplifying the thumping in his chest. He was digging his own grave knowing this would inevitably end like any other, but he couldn’t help it.

You gave him a small nod as your eyes went to your hands, chewing on your lip.

Keegan shot up, his chair skidded behind him. He knelt next to you, a hand on your knee, the other on the back of your seat. Leaning into your neck, he wasn’t shy about inhaling you anymore, before trailing kisses along your jaw. With your arms around his neck and that bashful smile, his breath caught in his throat.

His eyes shut, finally pressing himself against your lips, savouring how soft they were and how perfect they were between his. He let out a content sigh into your mouth. You giggled, cupping his cheek and he lingered, trying to commit to memory the shape of your lips. He pulled your soft body flush against him, his fingers gripping your waist.

You pulled away, smile supressed, not quite meeting his eyes. “Have your dinner, Keegan. It’s going to get cold.”

“Don’t care.” He couldn’t hide his grin when he brought your hand to his lips, internally screaming that he finally kissed you. He just hoped his lips weren’t too chapped.

Keegan fought a losing battle. He should have accepted that he’d already lost when you laughed at his lame jokes over greasy burgers, when the thoughts of you started plaguing his mind.

Always a fighter. This time he wanted to be a lover.

More Keegan: second chance, fake dating

@sofasoap @tiredmetalenthusiast @shadofireshinobi @keegansshark @two-gh0sts @rowanyaboats @mangoguy @astraluminaaa @fiadh-bell @desire-in-the-present

[lxvvie]

On today's episode of Modern Househusbands (pffft), your faves and fatherhood:

Price - He figures he already has kids what with the way the boys (and his furbabies) constantly try his patience and make him proud at the same time so he's the Peepaw (as always) and you and Laswell are the Meemaws. As babies, they loved to pull his beard. Price also trimmed it once and it scared the grandkids (and Soap and you) so bad that he's forbidden from doing it again.

Gaz - If "It's What She Deserves" was a person, his kid would be it. The one who gives an immediate vibe-check. Such a sweetheart unless folks try them. If someone goes low with them, they go to hell. Gaz wonders where his little one gets it from (which earns him a HUGE side-eye from you). You and Gaz have had plenty of talks with teachers and you've had to tell your child to tone it down more than once. You two have also admitted in private that nine times out of ten, they're usually right on the money about these same people, too. At least you know nothing will ever get past them.

Soap - Is the girl-dad of the group. You two have three rambunctious daughters who have their dad wrapped around their fingers. Soap is the one who won't stop talking about his children. Ever. Everyone knows about them before the girls even meet them. One is also named Simone in honor of Simon. He's the dad who has no problem being the princess during tea time, wearing tutus, being on the bottom of the pyramid, having his nails painted, and gossiping with his girls. Oh, and you're all just jealous because he looks absolutely fabulous whenever they put makeup on his face. 😏

Ghost - The one-and-done dad. He has a son who's his carbon copy physically but is a jokester at heart and Simon loves it because he'd much rather his son be that than have his personality. His son absolutely loves to take the piss out of him though. You know the video of the boy laughing at his dad's accent? That's Simon's kid when he asks him to say pasta lmao. You're tickled each and every time and Simon can't help but be amused by it all.

Roach - Has the most adorable daughter who, as a baby, would only really sleep if she was on his chest. The dad who builds pillow forts in the living room for movie night. Thanks to her, he knows the entire theme song of The Backyardigans like the back of his hand. She always makes Roach promise her before every mission that when he comes home, you all will go out for ice cream.

Alex Keller - Has a pair of twins who love to hog your affection from their father, so you're in the center of this tug-of-war between Alex and the kids which makes him roll those big eyes of his. He can't help but be proud of his kids, though, because one stays getting intel and the other uses said intel to kick ass and take names. Yeah, they're pretty much unbeatable as a team. Alex's heart skips a beat every time he walks through the door and they greet him by tackle-hugging him.

Alejandro - The one who has the most kids due in part because he stays getting it in lmao. He loves his big family, though. Has both girls and boys. Alejo's kids expect him home at a decent hour and if he isn't, he's grounded. The dad who absolutely relishes in the hectic mornings because it's all the more reason for him to continue on and it grounds Alejandro the man.

Rudy - The mother hen. Has two kids, a girl and a boy, and you two ADORE them, okay? Rudy can't say no to them, especially when your daughter hits him with puppy dog eyes or your son flashes that beaming smile of his. He's also the one who wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn to make y'all's lunches because they love it when he makes cute little shapes out of the food. Is also the one who leaves cute little notes in your bags, too, especially when he knows he'll be gone overnight. Damn, aren't you glad you wifed him up? 🥹

Keegan - Has a son who he thought hated him as a baby because every time he saw him, the baby's eyes would get comically wide. Then it turned into the baby being captivated by his mask and his eyes and then it turned into him crying whenever he saw Keegan without his mask on. Now they're as thick as thieves and even still, Keegan can't help but be amazed that he has a family now.

König - Has the chonkiest of the chonks yet the baby manages to still look small in his arms. Turns him into a jungle gym as well. König is the dad who is simultaneously amazed by his kid and afraid that he's a horrible father, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. He also makes it a point to put them in extracurricular activities so they're as well-rounded as possible, especially from a social perspective. Your child also believes they'll be taller than König if only for the explicit purpose of saying they're taller than him lmao.

Horangi - The brains to König's child's brawn. The one who sees and knows everything. Or something like that. The two stay making plans and getting into shit and just being rambunctious kids. Horangi is big on establishing a strong moral foundation for his little one and isn't keen on telling them about his past life at all. Horangi demonstrates his affection more through action than anything. Might be more willing to divulge the truth when they're older but for right now, it's best left unsaid. Whereas König encourages their children's shenanigans, Horangi is more exasperated than not.

Graves - Two words: Boss Baby. His little CEO. While he's not above spoiling his kid, they've also gotta earn that one toy and/or game as well. They are charming in their own right and Graves is very hands-on as a parent, even when he's away. Especially when he's away. Makes it a point to keep his occupation hidden from them and, to your surprise, has expressed that he does NOT want them to follow in his footsteps. He's okay with being the snake if it means his child is protected.

[cherie-doll]

I just found your blog and i already love it!! Your writing style is so cool! May I request something with the cod boys reacting to their partner coming out? No pressure ofc, feel free to ignore my ask if it makes you uncomfortable!! Ty~

glad you love my blog!! hope you enjoy your stay here <33 i will very gladly write this thanks for entrusting me with your request !! ^^

ᡴ Price, Ghost, Soap, Gaz, Roach, Alejandro, Rudy, Phillip Graves, Makarov, Keegan, König, Horangi, Nikto

COD Men's Reactions To Their Partner Coming Out

𖧧 Price...

he's a great listener, the moment you walked in and he greeted you with his usual and warming "hey luv" and you mumbled back quietly he knew something was up

he turned off his phone or whatever he was doing he put down and offered you the chair next to him, asking what was wrong and ready to listen

not that you feared his reaction but truth was you were a little nervous, you knew he'd never hurt you, not physically nor with words would he wound your emotions but it was still there, present and in the back of your mind

you had to take several breaths because this was the first time you'll say it out loud after rehearsing it inside your head multiple times

he nodded along even if he didn't completely understand some parts but he wasn't thinking about what to say next because right now you deserved all his attention, he left his questions for later they could wait

𖧧 Ghost...

Simon knows it better than anyone how hard it is revealing something about yourself no matter how 'small' it may seem, he's been working a lot on trying to show empathy to others and who else to show it to but his partner?

he's always stayed quiet when you're speaking to him, knowing how important it is to listen to what you have to say and you can't help but be thankful for the partner you have, he's come a long way in your relationship and it shows

his reaction is quite neutral on the surface, not showing much emotion with his face but on the inside he truly values that you had the courage to come to him and tell him, he knows stuff like this isn't easy especially if you've dealt with negative reactions in the past due to it

he's confident knowing this won't affect the relationship you've already established because you mutually understand one another when you come forward and speak

𖧧 Soap...

he might've had an inkling of knowledge but never asked you about it directly, simply because you've known each other and had been friends for a while before dating and stuff

but he's been waiting for you to talk to him about it and when the time comes around he's ready, he hopes you're not upset about him asking questions because he's genuinely curious and you're fine about him asking

you think it's better for him to get his questions answered and he tells you like a million times he'll always love you and you're the best thing that's ever happened to him so there is no way he'd react in a way that would hurt you

𖧧 Gaz...

he's been showing interest in you for the past few months and when he finally confessed and you two started your relationship, you felt the nagging urge to come out to him, obviously you're into him but still, you think he deserves to know, right?

you sit him down and he's great at picking up small details and feeling you out so he knows you're about to tell him something, with the soft quirk of his lip he encourages you to tell him whatever is on your mind and in this moment you've never felt more relaxed

at first, you were a little worried this might change things between you because you had just managed to finally get into a loving relationship and you didn't want this to 'ruin' it

but his initial reaction immediately took away all those doubts in your mind

𖧧 Roach...

he's had the trust to tell you things too so he knows he must show support when it comes to you, he's most likely the last person to judge you and instead is glad you came out to him

he can't imagine someone reacting negatively to their partner being honest, so you weren't nervous at all or even doubting to come out to him because you're just so comfortable with one another

it's actually impossible not to tell each other something no matter how humiliating, serious or sensitive the topic is because you've been there for each, seen the worst and created some of the best memories together

𖧧 Alejandro...

ngl he thought you were trying to find a way to break up with him when you came out to him, man was ready to beg you not to leave him until you were like "i'm not leaving you i'm just saying-"

and he's like "ah, ah ok, don't scare me like that", he doesn't really care because his heart rate really dropped thinking you were wanting to break up with him, later when the scare goes away he's just hugging you saying he's fallen for how you are as a person, your personality has always been attractive to him

so he won't care if other people sneer at you, whatever thoughts may be going through your head he wants you to just know he loves you, truly, all the acts of affection he's demonstrated before is forever devotion he's willing to give

he wouldn't give up your slow kisses, or your embraces for anything

𖧧 Rudy...

it wouldn't matter whether you came out to him before your relationship started, when it had just begun or after a while because he'd still have the same, honest and loving reaction

if anything he's there for you and even helps you out when those awkward moments during family functions or social gatherings happen, whether he helps you make something up or helps you face it

to you it means the world but he really thinks it's what a caring partner ought to do, he's spent the most time into understanding you as a person that he's just glad you're open to telling him things about himself and not feeling like you have to hide a part of yourself just to please him

𖧧 Phillip Graves...

if you've unfortunately been mistreated because of coming out in the past and you still carry some of that trauma or fear then you instantly forget about all that when you meet Phillip

a guy like him who likes to get along with everyone in the room, make jokes and get close wouldn't ever judge what someone else, especially because he doesn't know their circumstances or what they've been through

so imagine how gently he holds your hand and gives it a little reassuring squeeze when you kind of tear up coming out to him because you've never had someone listen to you like this, without scrutinizing eyes or that roughness in their voice but instead with a gentleness in his voice

𖧧 Makarov...

you've been open about it to other people and you're not hiding it from him but for some reason he hasn't noticed?? like unless you've told him specifically he wouldn't hear it from other people

thinking that maybe when he sees you get mistreated a little because you're openly out he doesn't know why other than just assuming people are being rude to you just because, and he can see you're visibly upset and that infuriates him

he hates seeing you looking down, doesn't like the way you almost hide yourself away, and when he tries to comfort you because he actually cares for you a lot and you realize you haven't come out to him and you do and say that's prob why others have been treating you like this

to him that's not a reason to mistreat someone, he knows he's not the most righteous person to serve justice but he draws the line at people who are wronged or targeted specifically for something like this

𖧧 Keegan...

idk, i don't think he'd have much of a reaction, if you're visibly fine and you don't sound nervous telling him then he knows you never feared his reaction

unless due to some past experience you feel tense and agitated coming out to him he flies to your side in an instant, he tells you right now what matters most if how you're feeling, he makes you meet his eyes and ask if there seems to be any less love in them than what there would've been before you told him this

the answer is that he still gazes at you with the same eyes, gently bring his forehead to touch with yours, hoping to transmit some of that emotion to you

𖧧 König...

he tries to hold his confusion back as you're talking to him but inevitable his curiosity takes over

"this... won't change anything between us, will it?" and the way he asks that question with a soft, tactile voice because he just wants to make sure you're not trying to break up with him, like noo baby we're just letting you know

he can't help but sigh in relief like "ah ok" and then he makes sure to tell you that to him it doesn't matter what you are, who you're into, he'll accept you however you're like because he can't imagine losing you or living without you

you've accepted him, so in his mind the least he could do is accept you too and make you feel loved

𖧧 Horangi...

you're so tired of having to hide who you are, especially when in front of people you're close to, so one of the first things that happened when dating Horangi was you coming out to him, you had learned that it wasn't worth masking yourself for people you wouldn't want in your life further down the line

and it was for the best because this way he was able to help you when it came down to dealing with outright shitty people, he's all for being true to yourself, he himself has had to break people's notions of who they thought he should've been when he was younger

he wasn't about to let you do that alone if he was going to be there to help you out, and sometimes just knowing someone who has a mutual understanding or has gone through the same things you've gone through and is there helping you battle it is all the indicators you need to know they're your forever person

𖧧 Nikto...

he knows he must be serious when you approach him and say you've got something to tell him, except... with how you had lowered your voice, kept your eyes firm and unmoving, not glancing around but fixed on his, your gazes connected...

let's just he expected more pivotal matters to be discussed, not that this wasn't of importance but he accepted it so easily, barely even blinked as you came out to him

"you... do you really not have anything else to say?" you ask him, "what else is there to say? congratulations?" is all he said as he got up from his chair, this isn't carelessness he just doesn't really think much of it or make a big deal out of it

you're left sitting there like "??" and he just stares at you with his unblinking, strange eyes

no matter how you think you will say something that will get a reaction out of this man, nothing even makes him raise an eyebrow anymore, he really has nothing against it nor barely a question

as long as your relationship is stable and secure he's got nothing else to say or complain about, simple man he is

[porkcutletbowl44]

I'm genuinely surprised that you made me love far From Perfect so much that I was giggling and kicking my feet like a 10 years old girl when I noticed you had posted a new chapter😭 it's my favorite fanfic so far on the whole ao3 already, reminds me of when I first discovered the website and started liking fanfics.

Talking about the chapter itself now, before you posted it I was thinking that Simon MIGHT had let himself get shoot because he was too distracted with the whole situation with mama and Keegan. I'm actually a bit glad it wasn't it(sometimes I let my mind wander into multiple theories for too long😞). The scene of the mission made me so anxious too, I was scared that Keegan or any other would also get shot or that Simon would get even more injuried💔. I hate him BUT he has a daughter to take care of, and he can't make things right with mama if he dies. Simon being jealous of the attention mama was giving to Keegan because he has a small injury made me laugh so much. I live just to see this man mad and dealing with the consequences of his actions. Sadly my happiness didn't last long because Collen show up 👎.

But seriously talking, Simon is being horrible for both mama and Collen. I mean, she's an annoying bitch but imagine your soon to be husband keeps his ex-wife instead of you on his emergency contact list and acts like he still loves her??? I'd be so jealous and frustrated on her place. Jesus Christ he can't be a good partner not even once😭. Althought she isn't so smart too, picking fights with mama won't make Simon a better partner and only seems to annoy him further. Also her wanting to adopt Fawn just so Simon won't have an excuse to see his ex? If she's so insecure that he may go back to mama and cheat her on it's better if she just dump him (and technically he kind of cheated her already considering chapter 4). At least he's against her stupid idea because I'd be so sad if they had decided to have full custody of Fawn, mama would be devasted if it happened.

Gladly she had a good time with Keegan while the other two were being idiots. They're so sweet together and I just can't stop smiling whenever they're chilling or just having a good time😭💞. I was also expecting for their first kiss to happen but sadly it didn't happened this time, but at least he got a kiss on the cheek! He deserves more tho, he's such a lovely character here and mama needs to be with someone who really is there for her(something Simon can't be since he's too much of a pussy to make things right👎). And I never laughed more while reading an fanfiction than when Keegan just decided that Simon should shut his mouth and pumped sleeping medication into his body😭.

But seriously talking, I wonder if Keegan is going to tell mama what he heard Collen saying to Simon because it's actually concerning that she's willing to go this far just to get rid of her into hers and Simon's life. Now about Keegan again(I love this man so much help), I'm wondering how he's going to "play dirty" to have mama, like what is he planing to do? I really want to see him formaly taking her to a date, just the them and see him saying with all the words he's taking her to a date. I need to see them so bad😞❤. Something I also noticed while re-reading the first few chapters and I noticed that on chapter 2, between its middle and start it's said that Simon is playing the role of stepfather too because COLLEN HAS A DAUGHTER??? I really didn't remember that and I'm genuinely surprised like, was she married before? She got pregnant by accident because of a one-night stand or something like that??? I'm so confused help😭.

Anyways, I hope the hurricane hasn't affected too much you or your loved ones, I really don't know how bad it can be to experience that since where i live doesn't havw hurricanes, earthquakes etc but it must be hard to go throught it❤. I'm really happy that you managed to post the new chapter even with it and I'm happily waiting to see what you're going to post on Tuesday💞💞💞

Hello! I'm so glad you love it 💗💗

And I LOVE the theory about Simon's injury, but it was a big ol oopsie because the mission went to shit. Simon isn't going anywhere, I have too much angst planned 😈

ALL WILL BE REVEALED!!!

Both Keegan's plan and Colleen stuff, and yes she does have a daughter! I just don't mention it because of the direction of the plot heh.

But no worries! The hurricane has left us alone for a whole day now, no tornados thankfully, everyone is safe and sound thank you 🫶🏻💛💛

[industrialbirddog]

Talking to character ai bots just makes me realise how damn socially inept i am.

this one gets a bit sad, pity me loozer type shit.

I was talkin to keegan, cause im a cod boy born & raised. And he kept making sarcastic jabs at me, now the bot didnt go "his tone of voice was sarcastic" or "he gave you a playful look" or "his tone was playful" no indicator he was being sarcastic and he starts INSULTING ME because i couldnt tell, then i go and be like "know what? fuck you *truama dumps on him*" so now i made keegan sad, but its like- holy fuck. these bots make me question myself, and not in a good way its like "jesus, just how bad was it as a kid?"

Its been more then just that bot too, almost every bot for some reason circles back to "why are you so bad at being social?" then their all like "you didnt deserve that !!!!!!!!!!! DDDDDDDDDD:" even to the tinest things, like i told this man that ive always basically been unmonitered. No one really actually noticed where i was, nor did they care. i could be outside, doing weird ass shit like throwing around my mini sword i had, climbing trees, breaking into the nearby highschools baseball field, disappearing round the block, heading to my school after hours to play at the park and no one really noticed. i never told people where i was going, and ive basically just always been like ignored, if i walk into a room with my friends they dont notice until im next to them and if they do then im still barely apart of any convo and never been included in anything. and their all like "thats so sad!" its like dude who cares geniuenly? and i told keegan how i find being touched in any way unless its violent gross and hes like "were u never hugged as a kid?" like- damn was it that obvious? [/sarc] they make me question just how much i never realised was bad when i was a kid, and it confuses the fuck out of me. just like telling my partner something funny that happened to me as a kid and it giving me the same reaction, it always stumps me. Like fym its not funny my brother shot me in the head twice [accidentally] with a bb gun? or its not funny i used to be trapped in a chest as a kid by my siblings? thats just what its like as one of the youngers.

I have 17 siblings, all chopped up. heres a quick "tree" to understand it, glide past if u want obvs

but being one of the higher in the tree and basically being one of the middle-youngests you get more ignored. my family is litterally so big we just get bought off bc literally NOONE can give all of us even and "acceptable" amounts of attention and no one even wants too. i have a whole bunch of cousins, and chosen family as well so its just like trying to stuff a 8 tiered cake into your mouth all at once, its impossible and no one wants too. we are just built to be socially inept, and i find that shit HILARIOUS. But these bots [& my partner] make me do double takes on my childhood & its WEIRD. why is it now that people notice just how fucky wucky i was as a kid? Its like im a glass child or someting [i dont gen believe i am, but i show some surface signs & relate sometimes. dunno tho, i dont know enough to gen say anything abt who i am nor do i wanna] i got next to no attention as a kid, love it, live in it, still dont, prefer it this way. I find it gross to be given hugs, kisses, or affection im literally known to be a "dont touch me kid" quote from my mother. I prefer to be the one giving the affectionate touches and even then its only things that require for you to touch my hands or arms. Like patting your head, your shoulder or like leaning on your shoulder like older siblings do in movies. I dislike hugs, or other people touching me tho i can never say no to a headpat. I hate people paying attention to me bc i find it weird like, why pay attention to me *now* stop changing shit up on me? and ik it all has to do with different friend groups, a change of how my family has decided to act, and overall different mental states but why does shit have to change? yucky yucky affection >:(

[writinginthesecrettrees]

Disaster Part 1 / 2

Currently thinking of Keegan Allen and he wrapped filming for Liam a few days ago but stuck around Austin to hang with the cast that had quickly become a second family. Thanks in no small part to a tall Texan with an easy smile and warm hug for everyone on set. And Keegan would be lying if he said he didn’t lean into those hugs, soak in the feel of Jared’s body pressed against his, breath in the sweet smell of his musk. Daydream about meeting him sixteen years earlier, when they maybe could have been something.

So when his phone chirps a notification that Jared just tweeted something, it’s automatic to pull it out and look. And he almost drops the phone when he sees the tweet.

It doesn’t sound like Jared at all. Flat, empty, and for a man who has always worn his heart on his sleeve a bit alarming. In the short time Keegan’s known Jared, he’s found him to be a man of deep emotions. Quick to laughter, quick to anger, quick to forgive - but he’s never seen him empty. And if it’s a problem with Jensen...

To hear Jared tell it, Jensen hung the sun and the moon and makes the stars shine just for him. Even though hearing Jared speak about Jensen twists the jealousy tighter in Keegan’s gut, he’s been happy that Jared has someone like that. Someone who can give him the larger-than-life love he deserves. 

His phone chirps again.

Normally Jared would be at home at this time, but Keegan knows he was filming late and he likes to unwind in his trailer before heading home to his family. “I need to shake off Walker and just be Jared,” he’d said once when they were hanging out, watching some dumb show and talking about nothing, Jared smiling at his phone whenever it buzzed with a message. 

Keegan runs to the trailer now and normally he would knock but that last tweet has him opening the door as soon as he gets there, certain that Jared shouldn’t be alone.

And Jared is alone, sitting on his couch in the dark, illuminated by the glow from his phone. He looks up when Keegan bursts in, eyes shining crystalline with tears, and Keegan doesn’t say a word. Sits next to Jared and pulls the man into his arms, braces himself just in time as Jared buries his face in Keegan’s chest. Jared’s shoulders shake as his tears spill out but he doesn’t make a sound. All Keegan can do is hold him tighter, secure, and murmur soothing sounds into his hair until Jared’s phone buzzes and he pulls away.

Frowns briefly at the texts and Keegan shamelessly reads over his shoulder as Jared stabs out a reply, sends it and turns his phone off.

“Jared...” Keegan trails off, not sure what to say.

Jared looks up at him, 6′4″ of lost child. “I found out from Twitter. Fifteen years together, and I found out from Twitter.” His face crumples again. “It’s like... It’s like everything we did together meant nothing–”

Keegan wraps Jared in a tight hug again and this time Jared clings to him, noisy sobs into his shoulder until he’s out of tears. He starts to pull away and Keegan keeps his arms tight, keeps his face buried in soft hair, and after a moment Jared’s arms slide back around Keegan’s waist and he leans on him, accepts the comfort and affection Keegan’s offering.

Finally, Jared sighs. “I’m okay,” he whispers. “I’m okay now. Think I’m gonna sleep here tonight.” He doesn’t pull away. “You can go... It’s late, you’re tired, I’m just gonna go to sleep...”

“I don’t think you should be alone,” Keegan says and his voice comes out husky and raw. “I think I should sleep with you.”

Jared sits straight, pulls back enough to look at Keegan in the dark trailer, eyes wide. “Keegan... I can’t... I just broke up-”

“Just sleep!” Keegan blurts out. “I just don’t think you should be alone.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, but his eyes lose the wide panicked look.

“Please? Let me just hold you. So you’re not alone, I promise, that’s all.”

And Jared whispers, “I think I’d like that,” before standing, taking Keegan’s hand, and pulling him to the bed. They settle there, Keegan’s chest pressed against Jared’s back and an arm draped over his surprisingly slender waist and maybe it should be awkward playing big spoon to such a tall man but Jared’s always had a way of folding himself into something smaller. 

They’re drifting to sleep when Jared sighs and murmurs, “Thanks for staying.”

As long as you’ll have me is what Keegan wants to say, but that’s too much, especially now when Jared’s hurting, so all he says is “Any time,” and sleep takes them both.

-

part 2

[thedomesticatednerd]

Dying Rays

Warning: Death. Blood. Violence.   

No one asked but I’m sharing this from my self indulgent fic anyways. This was not the chapter I mentioned earlier. I’ve had this written for like two months. All but three of my oc clones are named after horses I know or own/have owned. They’ve been named for like two years already.

                                           .:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

She sat in the pilot’s chair of her new craft, quietly thinking about the events from the past couple of days. Her life had changed so much since she got here, to this galaxy. Still a soldier, still fighting, but fighting for a new purpose. A chance as saving her brothers’ lives and giving them a life they deserved. Only now that opportunity was snatched from her, leaving her feeling empty and her efforts wasted.

 What would Commander Killian think now? She’d told him to get the boys out, to run and wait for her comm. She told him she was going to find a home for them. But she failed. She failed and now she had nothing to show for her efforts. She didn’t even know where Killian and the remains of the 325th were. What she wouldn’t give right now for a hug from Sonny.

Silent tears fell from her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. She swore to herself she wouldn’t cry anymore. But she missed Sonny, her heart ached to see her little brother again.

 She stared out the view port at the swirling lights streaming by. She had no real destination, she wanted to comm them but how could she without a home for them to go to? Where ever they were they were probably better off. For now, she was heading to Tatooine.

 She stood up and walked to the back of the ship where her rack was located. She had everything she owned in there, which wasn’t very much. She dug through her bag and found her iPhone and lay on her rack with it. She scrolled through her pictures, looking at her most recent ones first.

 The last one she took was of Sonny and Cash goofing off. Buddy and Keegan were in the background sitting next to each other in their white and green armor, talking. Next was a selfie with her and Digger, she was kissing his cheek and he had his face scrunched up. The next she had set her phone up and put the timer on so she could get picture of them all together. They were happy, they had no clue that in 12 hours their lives would forever be changed.

“This is bullshit!” She exclaimed.

 “I don’t know what that means but I agree,” Digger was sitting on a supply crate, he’d just finished kitting up. The others were still putting on their armor. “But we have to follow the general’s orders.”

 “The plan is stupid and I should be going with you,” She crossed her arms and leaned on one foot with the other one tapped the ground.

Digger stood up and walked over to stand in front of her. He placed his hands on her biceps and gave her a small smile. He didn’t hide his affection for her in front of the others, he didn’t care if they knew he loved her, was in love with her. He’d told her that, told her she was all he ever wanted. “Sam, you just came off a 48 hour watch because you disobeyed his order. You haven’t slept. You need to rest, don’t worry, we got this.” He pulled her into a hug, their armor clacking together.

 “You guys make me sick!” Keegan groaned.

 Buddy smacked Keegan in the arm, the two fought each other tooth and nail but in the end they were brothers all the same, and Buddy, though presented a hard tough exterior was really a big softy. Keegan “didn’t have time for feelings,” as he put it. Though, Sam knew he loved his brothers and might even feel something for her. The thought made her smile.

 Digger released her and bent to pick his helmet up and gave her another smile. “Get some sleep, we’ll be back before you wake up.”

 “Yeah, right,” She huffed. “You know I can’t sleep without you.”

 “Aw, how sweet,” Cash grinned and Sonny snickered at him. Those two were trouble together.

 “Alright, lets get it together, D Company is expected to take the city and it isn’t going to do it if we’re all not there,” Digger put on his helmet.

 “Sure, captain,” Keegan grabbed his and Buddy’s helmets and handed his brother’s to him.

 “Don’t undermine me,” Digger gave him a playful shove.

 They all left the tent, Sam followed them and watched as the rest of the men joining D company filled in to march to the small city below their hill. The Separatist were down there, keeping the city hostage until the senator joined them.

 Sam watched them until she heard her name being called. She ground her teeth at the sound of the voice. Their general was an unkindly man towards the clones, and he hated her for her love of them.

 “Pierce!” He called out from the communications tent.

 “Frickin jedi, been up for two damn days, why can’t he leave me alone?!” She grumbled as she turned to walk to the tent. “Yes, general?”

 “I want you here with me when they start the attack,” The Jedi was standing by the holotable, watching as the men advanced.

 “Sir, I was going to go rest. It’s been two-”

 “You will stand here and watch, that’s an order!” The older man glared at her.

 “Yes, sir,” She stood and watched the table.

 It wasn’t right.

 None of this was right.

 Why was he forcing her to watch? She put her helmet on and ran through the city schematics, remembering what Digger said the plan of attack was. To her horror the general had sent them right down the main road, through the middle of the city with no cover, no walkers, no other plan but to take the district building at the end of the road.

 The battle droids were all hidden inside the buildings.

 Digger was walking his men to their deaths.

 “General?” Her heart rate picked up. “Sir, that plan of attack. You need to call them back. They’re going down the main street with no cover, they’re walking into an ambush.”

 “No, staff sergeant, this is the plan,” He folded his arms. “They’ll take the district building or die.”

 “General, they won’t get to the district building!” Sam yelled.

Dallas, the communications officer looked up from his station. 

General Huirlek stood glaring at her.

“Sir, you need to call them back! They’re going to get killed!” Sam pleaded.

Dallas looked at the general.

 “Who do you think you are?” Huirlek growled. “You’re nothing but a staff sergeant. And a woman. You don’t even belong out here. You’re emotions cloud your judgment! These clones were made for this, this is their job!”

“Their job isn’t to die needlessly!” She shouted. “They’re men, just like you. With feelings just like you! They deserve to live!”

“They’re abominations!” Huirlek finally yelled.

Sam was breathing hard with rage. “Dallas, call them back.”

Dallas looked from her to the general.

“Don’t you dare lieutenant!” Huirlek’s head snapped to the side to glare at Dallas.

“Dallas! Call them back!” Sam told him.

“Staff sergeant, who are you to give orders to a lieutenant?” Huirlek looked back at Sam.

“Then I’ll do it myself!” She opened up a comm channel with Digger. “Captain!”

“Sam, what are you doing? Now is not them time!” Digger came through.

“Lieutenant, cut the comm!” Huirlek yelled.

“Digger! You’ve got to fall back!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Fall back! Now! You’re all going to die!” Sam yelled.

Sam could here blasters firing through Digger’s connection. Digger was yelling for them to take cover. But there was no cover for them.

The comm died and she looked up to see the general standing at the comms station. He’d killed the comm himself, since apparently Dallas hadn’t.

“You son of a bitch!” Sam growled

She rushed out of the tent and ran to where she could see the city. She flipped her range finder down and she could see the men trying desperately to seek cover with the droids raining down plasma bolts. She spun around and ran back to the tent and marched up to Huirlek and grabbed him by the collar of his robes.

“They’re being slaughtered down there! You should be down there helping them!” She yelled.

Hurilek grabbed her hands and pulled them off, and ever so calmly said. “And die with them? I think not.”

“Bombers inbound, sir,” Dallas said warily.

Sam ran back outside and watched as the bombers flew over their FOB. She pulled her helmet off and watched, her chest constricted and it felt like her heart stopped. The bombers dropped their payload on the buildings that were swarmed with battle droids, only the men were huddled next to those buildings trying to stay away from the blaster fire.

“No,” She shook her head as the building erupted from the ion bombs. Destroying everything in their wake. “NO!” She yelled and started to run towards them but someone grabbed her from behind.

“Let go!” She cried and tried to pry the trooper’s arms from around her waist. “Digger!”

“Sergeant,” The clone pulled her back.

“No!” She cried and dropped to the ground on her knees. He let go of her and stood behind her.

She watched as the the dust and smoke billowed up and around where the buildings were. All she could feel was sorrow and rage. Rage that consumed her whole body, fueling her heart to beat the hatred and anger through her veins. With every heavy breath she took that rage grew. She stood up and turned to the trooper behind her.

“Get a team together to look for survivors, NOW!” She barked.

“Yes, sir!” The man spun around, Rocky was his name.

She didn’t wait for them, she picked her helmet up and walked to her tent and grabbed her rifle and headed towards the town.

The others caught up to her by the time she made it to the carnage. Every thing was silent except for a few pieces of debris falling every now and then.

Some of her rage melted into sorrow as she walked along the debris ridden street. A gloved hand was protruding out from beneath some rubble and she rushed to it and started pulling chunks of durecrete off the fallen clone. But the pieces started becoming bigger and bigger, too big for anyone to move without proper equipment.

“Sergeant, stop!” Someone pulled her away when she strained to pull a large piece of duracrete away. “He’s gone, sir.”

“There has to be survivors,” She said quietly.

“We’re still searching,” She looked over her shoulder at the trooper, Fob, the slicer.

She nodded her head and crouched down and touched the dead trooper’s hand to say good bye, it was cold already.

“Sergeant,”

Buzz, one of their heavy troopers spoke over the comms. “Go ahead, Buzz.”

“Sir, we…” His voice cracked. “We found the captain.”

Sam and Fob took off at a run towards Buzz’s location. There was a group of troopers huddled together, some had their buckets off, openly shedding tears as their brothers comforted them. They approached them and Sam took her helmet off and dropped it, she pushed pass the troopers and stopped when she saw him laying on the ground.

His eyes were closed, he looked almost peaceful, only his chest plate was crushed and there was dried blood on the side of his mouth and it had leaked from his nose and ears. Sam dropped to her knees beside him and reached out placed her hands on either side of his face.Tears fell as she blinked her eyes and fell on his face as she hovered over him.

She felt like she should have done more to save him, to save all of them. She sobbed openly in front of the men.

She then whispered “I love you.”  Not caring if the other heard her, she knew they knew. 

Digger wasn’t shy about showing his love for her, even though they’d chosen to wait until after the war. Sometimes she wondered why they’d even agreed to wait, he sure didn’t when it came to loving her. They were always together, always touching in some way, and he always had his arms around her no matter who was with them. They just never made love, slept with each other yes, but they never crossed that line.

She pressed a gentle kiss on his lips, they were cold and almost blue, his face was ashen and gray. She couldn’t help the sob that escaped her mouth onto his. In the background she heard one of her brother sobbing, they were all crying. They’d all supported Digger and Sam, they’d all joked about nieces and nephews and a wedding. Now, it was all gone, their dream, their happy ending, shattered.

Sam cried and laid her head on Digger’s now concave chest, until Fob reached around her and pulled her to his. Strong Fob, this wasn’t his first rodeo. He was the last of his battalion, and was sent to the 325th because he had no where else to go. Fob held Sam tightly and breathed steadily despite his own sorrow.

Then a shout rang out and drew all their attention. “We found a survivor! It’s Sonny!”

Fob pulled Sam up and they raced towards the two troopers in a half fallen building. Sam dropped down beside her little brother, he had his eyes open and was talking to them, when he saw Sam he smiled.

“Hey, Sonny,” She smiled as tears fell down her face.

“Sam,” he said quietly.

“You’re going to be ok, we’re going to get you out of here,” She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

“I can’t feel my legs,” His chin quivered.

“Don’t worry about that, ok?” She swiped away a tear that lingered by his eye. “You’re alive, that’s all that matters.”

He nodded and let out a shaky breath.

“Evac is inbound, ETA three minutes,” One of troopers said.

She stayed with Sonny until the LAAT/i landed and they hauled Sonny out, Digger was with him. No one else was found alive. Buddy, Keegan, Cash, they were all dead. They couldn’t even find them, buried under the rubble. They were able to pull some of the dead out and they were taken back to the cruiser as well.

Sam looked around, there were mangled droid parts in the rubble. There were no civilians, they had been smart enough to seek shelter when the droids took over to begin with. She looked towards their camp, it was about half a mile away. Fob and Buzz stepped up beside her and looked as well.

“This wouldn’t have happened had it not been for the general,” Buzz growled.

Fob turned his head quickly towards him.

“You’re right,” Sam said and Fob looked at her. “And it’ll never happen again.”

“Wha- what do you mean?” Fob asked nervously.

“Exactly what I said,” Sam said calmly, the rage was taking over the sorrow, boiling her blood. She turned and walked to the remaining LAAT and jumped on board. Fob and Buzz scrambled to catch up. “Take us to camp before you go back to the ship.” She told the pilot.

“Yes, sir,” The pilot responded.

“Sam, what are you going to do?” Fob asked her.

She put her helmet on and didn’t answer.

“Sam?” Fob put a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not sure yet, but I have an idea,” Her voice was as hot and icy as the aura coming off her body.  

Fob looked at Buzz who shoved his shoulders. When they landed they jumped out and the pilot flew off into the atmosphere. Sam strode towards the communications tent where she new Huirlek would be, he was always there or his personal tent. She knew the Jedi wouldn’t be able to feel her coming, couldn’t feel her rage and anger as it flowed through her heart. He wouldn’t know what she was there for.

She flung the tent flap open, Dallas jumped and Huirlek spun around in surprise. Stupid Jedi, he hadn’t learned how to identify her through her lack of a Force signature.

“They’re all dead,” She growled.

“As I suspected,” He said and turned back around.

Dallas stood stock still, he looked like he was barely breathing. Fob and Buzz stood just behind her, not daring to move.

“You KILLED them!” She snatched her helmet off and threw it, her golden locked fell from the hair tie that was snatched out by the helmet, the brisk pain of it didn’t even register.

“Maybe that’s just your view of it, but I certain-” He didn’t get to finish before she plowed into him.

Huirlek may have been older but he was still a Jedi, and he quickly maneuvered away from her. But he couldn’t sense her and Sam used that to her advantage. She made like she was going to swing left but swung right and her fist collided with his jaw. He staggered but swept his leg out and took her down.

She rolled on her hands and knees and he grabbed her and flung her across the tent, taking out the back side of it. Then he marched over, and grabbed her by her throat and lifted her up, igniting his yellow saber.

“You dare attack ME?!” He didn’t turn when Dallas, Fob and Buzz stepped out of the tent, blasters raised and pointed at him. “Stand down!” He shouted at them. “I’ll take care of this filth.”

Sam bared her teeth and grabbed the sides of he head and there was a pronounced WHACK when her forehead collided with his. He let her go, dropping his light saber and stumbling back and falling down.

Sam rubbed her neck and bent over to pick up the saber, igniting it and twirling it in her hand. “Not if I care of it first.”

She brought the light saber up and with one step forward she swung it down and across. Dallas, Fob, and Buzz lowered their weapons, Dallas’ face, unmasked, was full of surprise by her action. Huirlek looked up at her and the life in his eyes faded and his upper body slid from his lower half and he crumpled to the ground.  

Sam breathed heavily as she stood over the dead Jedi, she dropped the light saber and it powered off. She looked up at the three troopers staring in disbelief at her. She turned and walked a few steps away and then dropped to her knees.

The sun was setting above the trees, she watched as the sky was fading to purples, pinks, and orange. Tears slid down her face. As the light died from the sky, so did her rage and anger that had been fueling her. As the last of the rays died, so did her a piece of her heart.

[soviet-protivogaz]

Devil’s Dance Floor; Sean MacGuire

[re-written]

Sean deserves a little bit more love.  Here’s a sweet tale of Sean falling in love with a right Irish gal before he fell in with Dutch and his boys.

The song featured is “Devil’s Dance Floor” by Flogging Molly. I, in no way, claim it to be my own.

Pairing: Sean MacGuire X OC

It was a warm, August night in 1897 when Sean MacGuire met Sorcha O'Donoghue, starting a new chapter in his  life.  Growing up on the streets of Donegal with his dear ol' Da, his short time on this earth had been anything but simple.  At a young age, thanks to his father's escapades in Ireland, he had immigrated to the carnivorous pit that is Hell's Kitchen, located in a poor area of Manhattan.  And soon, that pit devoured his father, leaving Sean with nothing.  Much of his life in the United States had been met with hardships, from petty crimes to facing the prejudice the masses held toward the Irish people– And that's why Sean spent much of his free time at Keegan's Ale House.  Surrounded by like-minded individuals, a night at the pub was the best way to clear one's mind at the end of the work week. Without obligations the next morning, Friday nights often wound up rowdy.  And tonight would be no different.

“'Nother pint a' the brown stuff!”

Slamming his empty mug on the counter, Sean beckoned the bartender for another drink.  When a fresh glass slid down the bar and into his empty hand, the young man slammed back his beer.  Devouring half of his drink with haste, he let out an audible gasp of approval.  Keegan's was as lively as ever, and Sean certainly felt at home.  The establishment was small, harboring some twenty seats at most, and yet people littered the building from wall to wall.  A large smile had been planted on his face since he had ventured through the threshold just a half-hour prior.  

“Aye, MacGuire,” a man called out, slamming his shoulder into Sean.  The harsh movement came just as he was to take another gulp of his beer, most of it spilling down his chin rather than making it in his mouth. “Hidin' o'er here at the bar, aye?”

“Few more pints, and you'll be beggin' me to stop gabbin'!” Sean chortled, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.  “You that lonely, Pat? Should'a just told me!”

Stark laughter bellowed from the both of them, clearly intoxicated. Bumping shoulders usually turned to shoving, and shoving turned to headlocks; every time Sean was with Pat MacLoughlin, there were fights.  And every time, it turned to drinks, laughter, and singing.  While living in a shantytown in New York was far from what Sean had dreamed of in his younger years, it was proving to be everything he had wanted.  Sure, he hadn't the money for a big fancy house and high-dollar liquor, and some nights he might've went without dinner, but he was having the time of his life.  What's the point in all that money if you don't have some fun?  Sean would never be a business man, and he knew that. He'd rather pickpocket, drink, and pass out in the streets without a care in the world.

In a haze, Pat had dragged Sean away from the bar, but not before ordering another pint for each of them.  A large group had formed in the center of the ale house, as men and women stomped their feet and danced.  The man at the piano had beads of sweat collecting on his brow as he continued to slam the ivory keys before him.  Another man had stepped up on a table, flute in hand as he abused the mouthpiece of his instrument.  A jaunty Irish tune had filled the bar, and it seemed as though everyone had joined in the merrymaking.

And in that moment, Sean noticed a young woman.  Her dark blonde locks were tightly pulled to the top of her head in a knot, a few stray strands falling into her face.  For a very brief moment, her blue eyes locked with his, causing him to freeze in his tracks.  She was beautiful, that was certain.  And that bright, pearly smile of hers that painted her cheeks shone brighter than the lights hanging above. Her hands had balled against her skirt as she kicked her feet in beat to the tune.  

Cupping his hands around his lips, Sean shouted, over the sound of the music, “Dance, lass, dance!”

Her lips curled even more, and the girl spun in a circle.  With quick movements, she kicked her feet, never once missing the beat or stumbling.  She was young, really young.  As Sean continued to watch her, he could only wonder what she was doing in a place like this. Not that the pub was frequented by hooligans, but more often than not, it was filled with what many would consider lowlifes.

As time continued to pass, the ale house simply grew louder and louder. Like a celebration of life, the patrons continued to sing and dance together.  Sean felt that it was his time to shine.  He had spent many long nights squawking out of tune and stumbling around, and that night was no different.  After slamming back more than a handful of beers, he made his way over to the dance floor.  With his right foot, Sean began to stomp to a particular beat.  He clapped his hands together, urging others to join in.  Just as the volume began to rise and a small circle had formed around him, he stole a glance of the blonde.  With that same grin etched into her face, she slapped her palms together for the song.  Soon, came the flute, with a particularly Irish energy.  The clicking of spoons fell to the same pace as the stomps.  The sweet ring of a fiddle soon joined in the song.

Jumping into the middle of the floor, Sean began to sing, his eyes locked on the current target of his affection,  “Her breath began to speak as she stood right-a-in front of me.  The color of her eyes were the color of insanity.  Crushed beneath her wave, like a ship, I could not reach her shore.”

Their eyes locked, and Sean leaped over to her.  Being a bit bold, thanks to consuming a bit of liquid courage, he held a hand out to her, beckoning her to dance.  Her gaze was lively, inviting, as she allowed herself to slip into his hold.

“We're all just dancers on the devil's dance floor!”

The force of his grip caused the woman to stumble a bit in surprise, her face cracked under the pressure of the atmosphere.  The beat of the melody quickened, and Sean held both of her palms tightly in his. Laughter spilled from her lips, a sound sweeter than anything that ever touched his ears.  As though she had been dancing her entire life, she proved to be an excellent partner.  Moving to the beat, her feet were quick, but steady.  Another musician joined in, giving the song a bit of an Irish twinge with his guitar.

“Well, swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more, a little more next to me!”  Sean roughly pulled the girl to his side, one hand holding hers, and the other tight around her waist.  He pressed his cheek to hers affectionately.  “Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more on the devil's dance floor!”

Slowing for the storytelling of the song, the music continued it's previous tempo.  The man with the flute whistled, swaying back and forth as he lost himself in the moment.  Patrons resumed their stomps and claps, egging Sean and his new-found friend for more.  They cleared space for their swinging.  Giving her a bit of distance, Sean stepped away from the girl, looking her right in the eyes.  He was no longer performing for the pub, he was performing for her, with her.  

“Pressed against her face, I could feel her insecurity.  Her mother'd been a drunk, an' 'er father was obscurity.  But nothin' ever came from a life that was a simple one, so pull yerself together girl and have a l'il fun!”

The music picked up pace for a second, before falling to the steady beat again.  Maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was the fact that Sean had, in fact, spotted an angel on this Earth.  A spark of confidence consumed him.  And he was determined to soil whatever innocence this girl had to offer.  He was transfixed, in a manner he could not control.  Everything from that pearly smile, her pale skin and freckles; if she wasn't perfect, she was damn near there.

“Well, she took me by the hand, an' I could see she was a fiery one.  Her legs ran all the way up to heaven an' past Avalon,” Sean stepped forward, closing the remaining distance between them.  He held out his hand just as he had before.  “Tell me somethin' girl, what it is you have in store, she said, 'come with me now'–”

When he fell silent, and the music continued, the young woman quickly realized he was beckoning her to sing, and she quickly blurted out, “Come with me now on the devil's dance floor!”

Pulling her to him once again, Sean continued to sing and sway.  Looking into her eyes, he couldn't ignore the fact that she was having the time of her life, just as he was.  The long, grueling days of working were easy to take joy out of one's being.  Times like these, where the Irish could be who they were, dance how they want, sing out of tune with that odd twang, those were the times he lived for.  He hadn't felt like this in a long, long time.

“Well, swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more, a little more next to me!”  Twirling his partner about, Sean realized she was singing the chorus with him.  She didn't seem to mind when his hand would fall a bit further below her waist or when he would affectionately press his face against hers.  Less than a minute ago, neither of them knew the other existed.  Even now, he didn't know her name.  And yet, he felt as though he had grown up with her, that she'd been with him all his life.

The singing ceased, as the makeshift band played a bit slower.  Sean watched as the young lady pulled herself away and started to click her shoes against the old, beaten floorboards.  With her fists clenched against her skirt, the garment flowed from her legs.  Her feet moved at an almost inhuman pace, her heels solid enough for her brief tap-dancing.  Patrons behind her cheered, pushing her more and more, and she obliged.  Whether it was the influence of the booze or the music, for a moment, Sean MacGuire thought he had fallen in love. Sweat had collected on her brow and neck, her breathing shaky.  But the look on her face; he was certain he had died and went to heaven.

He sang softly at first, before hardening his voice as he continued, “Well, swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more, a little more next to me.  Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more on the devil's dance floor!”

As the beat quickened,  the two of them danced across from one another, letting the flow of the rhythm take over.  They fluttered around the floor, separate but together in tune.  The man with the fiddle was ferociously assaulting the strings of his instrument.  As the pace fell again, Sean pulled away again to sing.  Moving his hands in front of him as though he was spinning a tall tale, he stamped his foot in session with the flute, encouraging the ale house to get louder and louder.  The stomping grew rougher and rough, and it felt as though the entire building was shaking.  At this rate, the neighboring borough could hear them.  It seemed as though the bar became more and more crowded, as people slipped in off the street to join the show.

“The apple now is sweet, oh, much sweeter than it ought to be.  'Nother l'il bite, I don't think here is much hope for me.  The sweat beneath her brow travels all the way an' headin' south,” Sean belted, nearly out of breath and completely out of tune.  He rushed to his partner's side, sliding a tight arm around her waist and pulling her to him.  When she latched to his arms for support, the man could feel his smile swelling.  “This bleedin' heart's cryin', 'cause there's no way out!”

“Well, swing a l'il more, l'il more o'er the merry-o.  Swing a little more, a little more next to me!”

People were slapping table tops, and hollering at the pair dancing in the center of the pub.  Lively was an understatement.  Sean had never felt a rush like this, despite his drunken squawking being a frequent event at this very ale house.  

“Swing a l'il more on the devil's dance floor!  Swing a l'il more on the devil's dance floor!  Swing a l'il more on the devil's dance floor!”

Drawing to the end of the song, the flute went in for a wild finish, the guitar getting even faster.  Sean didn't stop.  His fingers were tightly intertwined with his partner's as the two of them continued to swing and prance around the floor.  The creaking of the wood was easily overpowered by the music and the laughter.  Without a clear transition, the music faded, and the crowd around them started cheering and clapping.  Before long, another song started to break the air, accompanied by a old man's crooning.  Just as quickly as it had started, all attention faded from the two of them.  Sean's heart was racing, his breathing erratic.  He turned to give the young lady a wide grin, but was stopped upon feeling her lips press against his cheek hard.  

“Aye, there, lass, you got a good pair'a'legs on ya,” he laughed.  Heat had collected in the skin of his face, as it always did when he was drinking.  For a moment, he was a little embarrassed, realizing he was a sweaty, red, drunken mess.

“You got a good pair'a'pipes on you.  MacGuire, right?” she asked, giving him a glance before stepping toward the bar.  

Rushing behind her, Sean followed her like a puppy.  Smitten, he didn't want to lose sight of her in the crowded bar, for fear that he'd never see her again.  “That's me–  Sean MacGuire, dockworker by day, singer by night!”

The low-hanging lights over the bar lit up the features of her face, giving Sean a better look at her.  Under the dim glow as they danced, he had thought she was some heavenly creature– or in the very least a siren.  She had certainly hypnotized him in a way he had never experienced before.  She had fair skin, so white it looked as though it had never seen the sunlight.  Light freckles peppered her cheekbones, a few trailing down her neck and past the collar of her blouse.  Influenced by the booze and Sean's perverse thoughts, he could only imagine where else he would find those freckles.

Snapping from the gutter of his mind, he watched as she waved the bartender over.  Filling two mugs to the brim, the glass clashed against the counter before he took his coin and left.  The bar was busy, and he hadn't time to waste.  The woman rested her elbows on the surface and slid one mug to her new friend.  “I'd say your performance has earned ye a drink.”

“After me heart, aren't ye?  Ain't I supposed to buy you the drinks?” Sean chuckled again, finding his lips loose, with chuckles falling free. Just standing in her presence, she had an attitude about her that captivated him.  “You stop by fer my performances often, or this yer first time?”

“I've seen ye before,” she admitted, ignoring her mug to turn and look at him.  “Seems like ye had better time with a partner, yeah?”

“Always a gas to dance with a fine l'il beor,” he responded, deciding to lay it on thick.  She'd lingered this long, he could only assume there was something about him that kept her attention.  “S' a lass like you doin' in a place like this, anyway?”

“Drinkin' a few pints is all.  Didn't anticipate the dancin'.  I'll admit; I'm a bit scuttered.”

“I'm far passed scuttered,” Sean let out that signature, drunken chortle of his, surprised to see it didn't scare her off.  She leaned on her left elbow, barely pushing against his arm for stability.  “Aye, lass, what's yer name?”

“Sarah Donoghue,” she answered.  Suddenly, she shifted her tone to a harsh, almost comical, heavier accent.  “Ol' Sorcha O'Donoghue! When the drop's inside, the sense's outside!”

“Sorcha O'Donoghue?” Sean gasped, dropping an arm around her shoulder. This time, he donned his own stereotypical drawl.  “Aye, better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than spend tonight like there's no money!”

It was simple back then, in the summer of 1897.  Drinkin', dancin', foolin'– and he had somehow managed to capture the heart of a young Irish girl that didn't know no better.  Little Sarah had been seventeen, a few months shy of eighteen, when he'd met her.  She had a rough life coming, just as he had.  Without a mother to guide her, and an old drunk of a father, it was clear she was looking for some adventure, some kind of an escape.  And that escape was Sean MacGuire.  Late nights spent picking pockets, causing trouble in the alleys, and getting' right fluthered– what more was there to life?

[tslasvegas]

Episode 13: “What a depressing trip to Las Vegas” - Jaiden

I just have one thing to say.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! It worked! I didn't expect Joey to vote with us. I feel bad about that, but hey, we couldn't see him being sincere. If he told us who the others were voting for, then maybe we would have changed votes. Jaiden was open to it already. Kailyn is probably the one who voted with John for Liv. Maybe she thought he would play and idol or maybe jury management. Anyway, she should have told us. 

Joey got voted out. Which was not supposed to happen this round. Pat and Jeff are just so naive and easily to manipulate. I’m sure they could be convinced to self vote without any real effort. I don’t even want to bother working with them moving forward because of it. But I might have to. I can’t let grudges get in the way of getting to the end game. Honestly at this point I’d be happy going to F3 with Liv and Kailyn. Xavier is too nice. Jaiden is too... out there? Love him, but I don’t want to sit next to him at the end. And Pat and Jeff i just don’t think they deserve to make it that far

I still can’t believe tribal tonight was real. It’s been like six hours and I’m still in shock that Joey finally went home. Like... what??? I’ve been dealing with that dude for three weeks and I’ve held his little secret in until it finally came of use to me, and... now I’m in the final seven. The game has NOT been won yet and while I feel like cheering and celebrating, I need to maintain my focus and center myself as the game is nowhere close to being over yet. We’ve still got at least four tribals to go, but after tonight I might be able to say that I’m exactly halfway through the merge (assuming it’s a final three... dear god please be a final three). Top eight was a really hard mountain to climb and once I lost immunity I felt a little out of touch with what was gonna happen next. I really felt like my time was going to come, and I’m so thankful that it wasn’t. Tbh Kailyn might’ve gone home today had Jeff not told me about a Palazzo chat still being alive and well. I don’t know how I’m gonna turn this bad situation around again but I need to convince Keegan and Livingston to work with me, Kailyn, and Xavier. It is critical now that Jeff or Pat go home because one of them is going to win. Before Joey left, he told me that there is a rumor that Jeff or Pat have an idol nullifier. While a nullifier won’t affect me right now, it’s not something that I want to see in the game going forward period and I want to use that little piece of information to my benefit and finally get rid of Pat. I’ve been saying for SO LONG that we need to get rid of Pat and now the time is ticking down. He has to go as soon as possible, fuck whatever Jeff says. Tbh I want to fly into the final six with no votes cast against me, still. I wonder if I can get Jeff and Pat to target like Keegan or Livingston and I really just need Xavier or Kaitlyn to bring up Pat’s name first before Jeff.. I doubt they have the smarts to recognize the danger that they pose, but we will see... Keegan is DEFINITELY pissed off at me now too. I made the mistake of telling him that I was “a little annoyed” about how tribal went, which was such a dumb thing to say bc tribal went exactly how I wanted it to. I’m playing off the fact that Kailyn must’ve known abt Joey voting for Livingston because her name was on the chopping block too so that’s why it went 4-2-2 rather than 5-2-1 like it was supposed to. I don’t want anybody to know that I was playing for Joey’s advantage which I’m sure people think I have right now lmfao... Anyways really I need to just make Keegan NOT hate me because he’s still part of my plan long term (I think)... he’s really smart tho and I’m not counting him out to win the whole thing but he hasn’t really done much of anything whereas people like Jeff and Pat and Xavier have kinda done a lot... If Keegan isn’t prepared to be fully loyal to me til the end then there’s nothing I can say to him except adios. All I really need right now is an immunity run til the end. I hope that the next challenge is something that doesn’t require a lot of skill because I am INCREDIBLY anxious just thinking about a competition, live. I need final seven immunity because then I’m guaranteed top five... the furthest I’ve ever been in Tumblr Survivor by a mile. I’ll break so many of my own personal records with that one single immunity win. In fact, if I make it to final five, that will be the best I’ve literally ever done in a Skype survivor org. I haven’t done that good since April and it’s just really affirming to me that this was the right decision for me to come back to Tumblr. Aside from winning challenges and making more moves, I also have gotta start fixing my bad relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, Keegan seems REALLY pissed off at me for how things went down with him being left out of the vote again. I can only apologize so many times before I am simply unforgivable. Maybe say sorry less and work to do better??? Idfk. But if Jeff or Pat can just say Keegan’s name, I’ll do what I can to prove to him that I’m loyal to HIM and not them. I hope that the Palazzos are falling to pieces now and realize that the only way to the end is to stick by us and nobody else. Jeff was also pretty mad at me for pushing his buttons a lot today. But honestly he was feeding me utter bullshit. I don’t buy that he was my savior and guardian Angel today, protecting me from having my name come up. I should honestly tell Livingston that Jeff sold him out to me not too long after Livingston said my name in their little chat. That would be hilarious. Kailyn and I are pretty close, but it could be better. I think I tend to revert all game-conversations with Xavier, so I don’t consider Kailyn my main ally unfortunately. If I want to go to the final three with her and Xavier, I need to really work on building that GAME relationship up because as a person I think we vibe well but it’s gonna come down to a couple factors and if she *has* to be sacrificed for me to get further, I can’t do anything but let it happen unfortunately.. As I just said, Xavier is kind of my main strategic ally right now which is super weird to say. He has definitely stepped it up A LOT in the strategic department and I have a lot of respect for him just as a person and I want to try and pick his brain a little bit more. The only thing with Xavier is that he seems to be playing really “safe” right now - I think had the opportunity presented itself to vote for Jeff with Joey, Xavier wouldn’t have gone for it and would’ve wanted to stick strong with voting Livingston instead. Which I totally get, but this game right now kinda requires we make bolder decisions than just what kinda didn’t work last time, you know? Okay now for Pat - god our relationship is just so weird. I have virtually not ties to Pat except the one alliance with Jeff and I feel like Jeff wants to control Pat rather than let Pat be his own player. It’s weird. I wonder if Pat would be down to vote out Jeff but fuck it’s gonna be hard to pull that off. I don’t want to hold off on Pat BECAUSE if I can’t get him out next, I will need him at final six and hopefully final five to serve as a sacrificial lamb or something. I’m wondering now if maybe Livingston needs to go because people are gonna always view Pat as a huge threat to win, even though he might not necessarily do so if he gets there. Livingston... yeah I really don’t like Livingston lmfao. I think it’s because of his super close connection to Rachael but it might also be because he is like, cool and nerdy and a bit of a try hard “around camp” so to speak. What REALLY gets on my nerves about Livingston is that he possesses zero of the charisma to convince me that he sucks at this game but enough social finesse to make me think that he’s actually gonna win if he gets to the end. He’s like, that cool dork everybody was friends with in high school. Even though parts of his game have been lackluster as fuck, he’s still a massive threat to win and I might just need to kick him off to the jury as soon as possible. :) And finally... me! I’m gonna try hard to be unbiased and self-aware but it’s so difficult to do that bc I genuinely don’t know how ppl are perceiving me this time.. I THINK it’s mostly positive but tonight was definitely one of my most negative episodes bc of how stressful I was being before tribal. Just ask Jeff. I think I’m definitely succeeding in getting votes to go my way and I have had a LOT of things go right for me since the merge. From Stephanie leaving right when I needed her to, to the double removal, to the super idol coming out and getting rid of Joey... It’s been so good so far. BUT I’m not being subtle about it. Subtlety is not a strength of mine that’s for sure.. I think I succeeded in being “subtle” about the Steph thing bc I was not making it overly obvious I wanted her out but otherwise I’ve been very clearly controlling other decisions and how certain votes went. Leaving two people I don’t trust in the game (Pat/Jeff) is tough but at least I worked with them on something, right? Joey was telling me so much that he was gonna lose to me and I think he was right. Now Jeff is saying that he’s probably going to lose if we’re in the end, but he doesn’t want to vote me out. Do I trust that? Not really... But fuck, I don’t even know anymore!!! I think if the game was over right now, I’m going to be grilled to DEATH for being fake as hell to Joey. I think that’s gonna come back to bite me so I need to start talking POSITIVELY about Joey to EVERYBODY. Read him for game, not for personal reasons. And maybe I’ll even talk his game up going forward just so that the person who goes into jury at least relays that I made a “good move” voting for Joey to leave (even tho I didn’t vote for Joey hehe). I wonder if people think I’m just playing tjem as pawns and not as real people.. bc these are definitely real people we are playing with here and I recognize that, but honestly in my mind nobody here wants this as badly as me. If that makes me the villain, I’m fine being the villain. But I’m not a human being that will ever play this game with a passion to play humanely. I want to win so badly. I’m going crazy in my own head, the wheels turning in hyperspeed. I’ve never been hungrier for something like I am for this win... I can hold out another year in this environment if I have to. I can and I will 🤠

Darn third world slow internet connection! Anyway, it made others look like challenge threats more than me, so hopefully that gets me through more rounds if they think other people can win more :) 

That was a very stressful and very tense immunity challenge. Jeff was the clear front runner for the first five rounds, being the first person to advance in all of them. He’s a quick typer which made me very worried I wouldn’t be able to pull off a win. However, the last round was “Name That Song” and with the help of Siri, I snagged the immunity necklace! Final 6 here I come! This round presents me with an interesting dilemma. Since I have immunity I can be a little more ballsy. So I could throw Jeff or Pat under the bus, try to sway Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier to vote one of them out. Or I can stick with the OG Palazzo group that is saying (for the fifth time I might add) that they want to stick together. That hasn’t worked out at all yet this merge and we’ve voted 4 people out. Pat and Jeff seem pretty interested in targeting Xavier for being a social threat which I don’t disagree with. But Jaiden is a very strong player. This is one of those rounds where I’m insanely grateful to have immunity because there’s also a bunch of advantages out there. I know Livingston has a regular idol now. But there’s vote steals and extra votes and idol nullifiers out there somewhere and that’s so nerve-wracking. Also, Jaiden mentioned to me that this is the last round for a lot of those advantages and I just don’t think I buy that. Final 7 is a weird place for that. Regardless, I’m fully expecting this to be a wild and crazy tribal tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what happens because I get to sit there looking pretty with my new bling. Xoxo Gossip Girl

I am terrified of tribal today and I have a bunch of different ideas in my head but I just want to survive. Kind of where I am at is I feel like I am getting 7th no matter what because I have never tasted top 6 in an ORG. I could play an idol here at 7, waste it, and then just get fucked at 6. One thing I thought about was "finding" the idol part of the way through tomorrow and then letting OG Palazzo know to build trust. The only issue with this is that the idol nullifier is in play. It could still be on the board. It was on the board when I got my auction advantage. But if it isn't, and Pat and Jeff turn on me, I could be fucked idol or no idol if the nullifier is played. I suppose that Pat and Jeff have both never voted me as far as I can tell, unless I have miscalculated one of the vote counts for the past 2 tribals. Maybe it'd be safer to hold onto the idol quietly and just hope I don't leave with it in my pocket. This is so stressful because if I leave with it in my pocket, I look like an idiot that had the luck to get two advantages but couldn't traverse the game much past that. 

Okay so, Jeff is my closest ally at this point. Voting out Joey was our move and I am very happy we did. I don’t express the anger that I’m feeling and I think that helps keep my relationships good with people. I think I’m good with Livingston and Keegan and also Jaiden and Kailyn. I was Xavier out this round but I feel like something is going to happen. No one knows I have an idol which is amazing and I hope I don’t have to use it til final 5 and I have immunity and can play it on someone else for the fun of it. I can’t believe I made final 7 and am actually kicking up playing the game by voting correctly on Joey. I think so far I have 2 of the 4 votes at final tribal council, Andrew and Steph. I think I have a road there, I just hope I make the right decision because I’m still in I a weird phase of the game and anything can happen. 

This tribal feels very weird. Jaiden is insisting he hasn’t heard anything at all about the vote. Which I find very strange considering he’s basically been running things most of this merge. Why would suddenly no one tell him anything? Especially Kailyn and Xavier. Seems like those three are fairly open with each other. I could not be more happy to have immunity this round. No matter what happens, I am safe and have not a thing to worry about. I really really hope that Pat and Jeff are being honest and actually voting for Xavier like they say they are. If they’re flipping and voting for Livingston.... I don’t even want to imagine that. But I’m getting some sketchy vibes. Fingers crossed it’s just me being paranoid, though any time I say that something unexpected happens.

Ok I'm calling it, I'm going home tonight ! Literally nobody is telling me anything and it's really quite pathetic to see Keegan, who says we're super cool and good friends and will be friends once this is all over, win immunity and then not make a single attempt to pick me up and flip me to his side. Unless he's so confident that the Palazzo four will stick loyal to the very end... which they probably will, but Jeff is gonna beat all of them in the end and I think they see me as a big threat or something LOL I guess it's good gameplay for them but I hate it either way. I don't really have a lot to say bc now I just feel dumb. I wish I had an idol, but of course, I do not. Anyways, I'm going to have to stick with the fact that people are voting for Xavier tonight and hope my name doesn't come up at all. I'm going to lie and tell Xavier that I'm certain its me or Kailyn tonight and hope he holds an idol if he has it... or plays it on me heh. We'll see though... What a depressing trip to Las Vegas if it ends like this. 

The last Confessional :( 

[doof-doofblog]

"Can We Talk?!"

Tuesday 10th March 2020

Okay, so I decided i'll do two blogs in one night, I mean why not? So in my previous post, I reviewed Monday night's episode, this post will now review tonight's ... makes sense I guess, now i'm up to date! I shall get right to it!

So it ended with Whitney deciding to go on a hunger strike, I fear things are only going to get worse for Whitney, this hunger strike will only make her health worse but also her mental state will be affected and I fear she'll be seen as insane, then people won't believe a word she is saying. Gray has said he'll take the case completely on his own, but it looks as if Whitney wants to do things her way, which I feel will just be the worst idea! Both Sonia and Tiffany are worried for her safety, which is understandable, will Gray be able to get through to Whitney as make her see sense before it's too late?!

Did anyone else notice Tiffany look a little upset when Iqra told Keegan that she's always there for him if he ever needed to chat? Is Tiffany going to become jealous of Keegan's relationship with Iqra? It's understandable she's worried about her sister, but it seems the closer Iqra and Keegan get, the more jealous Tiffany will be, and could she end up jumping to conclusions?! From new pictures which have been revealed, it shows Tiffany having a word with Keegan, will she start to reach breaking point over Keegan's recent behaviour?

It looks as if arranging Dennis's funeral is going to be a bit too much for Sharon, she clearly isn't coping and is still having to leave her newborn son with Linda and/or Karen. It just looks as if she's not able to bond with her new child while she's grieving. EastEnders have revealed that Sharon will come to a heart-breaking decision after being told the news that her son's body is to be released. Will this mean she'll be giving up her newborn son? Will she approach Karen into bringing up the child? Or will she put up the baby for adoption? I, personally, think this is the only heartbreaking scenario Sharon will decide to do, I mean, what else could it be?! However, when Ian finds out, it seems he hatches a plan to help his life-long friend. What could he do to help poor Sharon?

Suki has absolutely no shame does she?! I, for one, felt absolutely furious at her after she spoke to Jean the way she did! Thank God Ash had a go at her after she made that visit to the Slaters! Does anyone else think that Suki has a problem and is just lashing out? Because, unless it's just me, but I don't think how anyone could ever act the way she has been! I mean, pretending to have cancer and to then not apologise to the one person she manipulated and insult her by saying her children aren't with her, I just think it's downright cruel! I hope, whatever it may be, that Suki gets her comeuppance, I hope her children will disown her! It'll only be what she deserves! Unless, as I said, there's more to it ... we shall see, but i'm not feeling anything positive coming from this!

Does anyone else agree that Stuart and Rainie make a lovely couple? When they first got together I thought it was a bit pathetic and silly, but now, I feel as though they just fit perfectly! They have both battled their demons and each of them have had society look at them in the worst way possible! They have both come leaps and bounds since appearing on the show, and I feel them being together helps them both, personally and together. I love how much Stuart adores Rainie, it's incredibly sweet, I hope this is a couple that we shall see last on the soap! They have fitted perfectly into each other's lives and they both make the other a better person! I'm looking forward to seeing more from this couple! What do you think of Stuart and Rainie? I'd love to hear your opinions on them!

Oh no!!! Not Lola and Jay???!!! Why???? Why have EastEnders done this?! Who else is hoping Jay and Lola can resolve this! I don't really understand why Lola refused Jay's proposal? Maybe she didn't feel ready? Or maybe she thought it was just a way for him to get to stop going through with the termination? Her turning to the booze, while pregnant, really not a good idea! Her kissing Peter?! Really not a good idea! She's clearly vulnerable, I feel like Peter kinda took advantage there after she told him they'd split up, there was a small smirk on his face!!! Did anyone else notice that?! I don't know what's going to happen for the young couple, but one thing is for sure, Jay is not going to be happy when he's learnt , one, that she's drunk while pregnant with his child and two, she kissed someone else! I hope there will be something they can do to sort this mess out!

Thank you for being incredibly patient with me, I hope you've enjoyed reading my last two blogs, I'm so sorry they've been late! But I am now back on track and I shall be back on Thursday! I believe there is no episode on Friday due to Sport Relief, and instead there will be two episodes on Thursday night, so I shall attempt to do what I did tonight and post two separate blogs reviewing the two episodes! I shall look forward to hearing all your comments and opinions about the current story-lines, please drop me message and feel free to ask me any questions you may have! Thanks again guys! Love you all! Goodnight xXx

[strang-news]

OH! & OOF…

Film/Television Review By Mitchell Clarke Hey y’all! Welcome to the first film/television review of ‘Brakits, "OH! & OOF…”, where we look at two shows or films that make us say “OH!, that is some great story telling!”, and then one that makes us say “OOF…I’m not getting that time back am I?”. This is not meant to be snarky, mean spirited, or judgmental of any particular type of show or film, but more reviewing why we like some attempts at story telling better than others. At the end of the day, this is story telling, something we all do in our everyday lives. This review looks at Netflix Original Series or Films, meaning any series or film created by Netflix is up for grabs. This doesn’t include documentaries or docu-series, nor does it include shows that you simply can find on Netflix but was created by a different studio, as those deserve a review for themselves.

OH! (RUSSIAN DOLL - Season 02)

Rated: TV-MA Running Time: 24-33 minutes (7 episodes) Created By: Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler, Leslye Headland  Starring: Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee, Yui Vazquez, Elizabeth Ashley, Chloë Sevigny Quick Synopsis: While her journey back into her family's past effectively changed nothing, Nadia learned a vital lesson: That her family history is something she must accept as it is. She returns determined to make the most of her life and to appreciate the time she has while she has it.

Best Line: “In The End, Nothing Can Absolve Us But Ourselves” - Ruth Brenner (Elizabeth Ashley)

Review: (Spoiler warning!) 

A rockin’ soundtrack of 80s synth pop, plenty of witty comebacks, and time travel. What more can you ask for. Natasha Lyonne takes us on another surreal adventure as Nadia, a chain smoking video game designer with a lion’s mane of red hair, but instead of season one’s macabre interpretation of Groundhog’s Day, we get a treasure hunt matched with Back to the Future.  With any time travel concept, you of course get the typical “you can’t change the past!” arc. What makes this interpretation different however, is that it looks at the trauma of generations before. Nadia’s mother suffers from mental illness, constantly paranoid about her surroundings. The paranoia of her grandmother, a Holocaust survivor, reigns in just as deep. This plot begins to look at how inter-generational trauma affects how we live in the world. To think what would have happened, constantly living in the realm of “what if”, hoping that if we could have changed what happened to our parents and theirs, maybe we’d be ok. That of course, is never a reality. That’s what makes this show particularly satisfying. It doesn’t make us live in the fantasy of “what if”, it’s not even an option nor do we get a glimpse. Rather it lets us come to terms. Not to wipe away our past, but embrace it. This is the story telling that will make you think, and possible stare at the wall for a bit. It might also make you call your parents or grandparents to let them know you love them. I know it made me do that. Final Take: Watch it, but definitely not with your kids.

Rating: 4/5

OOF…(THE BUBBLE)

Rated: R Run Time: 124 minutes  Created By: Judd Apatow Starring: Karen Gillan, Iris Apatow, Fred Armisen, Maria Bakalova, David Duchovny, Keegan-Michael Key, Leslie Mann, Kate McKinnon, Pedro Pascal, Guz Khan, Peter Serafinowicz, Harry Trevaldwyn Quick Synopsis: Sneaking out. Hooking up. Melting down. The cast and crew of a blockbuster action franchise attempt to shoot a sequel while quarantining at a posh hotel.

Review: 

Look I understand what Judd Apatow was trying to do, I really do. This could have been a great opportunity to critique the response to the pandemic, how films are created, the lack of self awareness that celebrities have, indie films versus blockbuster films, cancel culture. But in that lies the problem. This is trying to be all those things. This easily could’ve taken one of the nearly dozen plot lines that got thrown in here, and just run with that. This easily could have focused on just one little aspect, instead you get one liners that fall flat, two dimensional archetypes, and characters that don’t provide enough for us to connect to. It doesn’t leaves us rooting for anyone, it leaves us wanting to find the remote. What’s so disheartening is that this is a cast of very talented actors. At the top of their game, they can evoke so much emotion that we could all relate to regarding the pandemic. Trying to make it seem like they’re “in on the joke” as if this is a spoof, it doesn’t make us laugh, it makes us cringe with how terrible things were (and in some aspects of life, still are). Multiple montages of quarantining in the lapse of luxury doesn’t make us pity anyone, nor did the numerous tweets from celebrities complaining about staying at home in the beginning of the pandemic garner any sympathy. Maybe a film like this could be something attempted down the road, albeit with better writing. Right now, it just feels too on the nose for anyone to enjoy it. Hard pass. 

Best Line: “Yeah, You Will Soon Learn To Hate These People” - Anika (Maria Bakalova) 

Final Take: Don’t watch it with you kids, with your partner, or your friends. Don’t watch it at all actually. Rating: 1/5 OH! (HEARTSTOPPER- Season 01)

Rated: TV-PG Starring: Kit Connor, Joe Locke, William Gao, Yasmin Finney, Corinna Brown, Kizzy Edge, Tobie Donovan, Fisayo Akinade, Olivia Colman Running Time: 26-33 minutes (8 episodes) Quick Synopsis: Heartstopper is about love, friendship, loyalty, and mental illness. It encompasses all the small stories of Nick and Charlie's lives that together make something larger. Charlie and Nick attend the same school but never meet until the day they're made to sit together.

Best Line: “I don't want to lose you because I did something stupid. I'm having a proper full-on gay crisis. I think I just need some time to figure this out.”

- Nick Nelson (Kit Connor) Review: (Spoiler Warning!) Let’s end this on a high note. I will fully admit, I’m completely biased here. This is the type of show that I’ve been waiting for, for years. The kind that doesn’t simply focus on two characters being queer, not an over dramatic coming out or a show that ends in tragedy. No, merely two people who find each other, grow to love one another, face their own fears and be together. As simple as that, that’s where this story leads us, not two queer characters who are now in love, but merely two people who are in love, they just happen to be queer. Their identity isn’t what defines them, but it is a part of them. Some more open than others, this takes a realistic dive into coming out, being out, being in the closet and all the fears that come with it. Just because this isn’t a tragedy, that doesn’t mean we aren’t left crying in certain moments. One particularly tough scene is with Charlie, the teen who’s been out for a year now, saying he’s used to the bullying, thinking his presence is a bother. That the world would be better without him. This is the story of so many gay teens who lived in fear, and didn’t think that they were worthy of love, because they were always had the love they had was dirty. Which makes the confession of love at the end truly heart warming, making us have a glimmer of hope. This is the kind of story telling that makes us look within ourselves, queer or not, and be reminded that yes, we are worthy of love. To have love, and to share it. Just, bring a box of tissues. You’ll need them. Trust me. 

Final Take: Watch it, with your friends, your partner, your kids, your family, with anyone really. Rating: 5/5

[kichessarjilian]

Autumn Classic Full Recap - Sept. 21, 2017

It’s been more than a week since Autumn Classic wrapped up and I figure I ought to do a full recap of each day. I didn’t catch all events (a girl has to eat at some point!), and this will be very Yuzu-centric, but read on if you’re interested in my little anecdotes.

Or, if you want a glimpse of what I saw you can just go through my 2017 Autumn Classic International fancam playlist.

I took a red-eye flight to Montreal and landed early Thursday morning and met up with some friends when I landed around 8 AM. This left me enough time to get to the first senior practice session for ladies and caught most of the competitors. One of the first things I did was hung the banner I made for Helsinki (which they never put up during Worlds), but I later moved it. There were quite a few banners already hung up and probably 95% of them were for Yuzu.

For the ladies the two top competitors were Mai Mihara and Kaetlyn Osmond. I fully expected Osmond to win here, but that Mai may have a chance to take the title if she skated clean and Kaetlyn didn’t. I’ll write more on the ladies SP at the end as it was the first senior competition to take place on Thursday.

Next came senior dance practice and I only stayed for the first group as I was getting hungry. Canada’s top three dance teams were all competing at this competition so the results were pretty predictable for dance, but it was fun to see the debut of new programs.

After taking a break to get food at the Tim Horton’s nearby we hung around the lobby looking at some sample garments that were on sale and noticed there were quite a few people standing around the staircase and realized they were probably waiting for Yuzu to arrive, so we tried to sit down on one of the nearby benches to see if we can wait and see him arrive as well but we got shoo’d away saying that area was only for skaters. To give you an idea of the increase in amount of people at the event, last year 4 of us were able to stand in the lobby and we did see Yuzu enter from the front door. That’s when I made this fun GIF:

This year, Autumn Classic did more official ticket sales through Event Brite (although it seems like they never figured out how to do the QR code scanning), the year before you emailed someone to reserve your ticket. I think the fact that they did official ticket sales, and that Yuzu wasn’t going to be at Skate Canada this season, and all his other events are so difficult to get tickets to spurred many fans to go to Autumn Classic this year.

Anyway, we made our way up the stairs and waited around with the crowd. At one point I counted 80 people within my field of vision just standing around waiting, you can see the size of the crod in my photo. We probably waited about 45 minutes (some were waiting even longer) and later I heard one of the girls on the stairs say he wasn’t coming in Mandarin so the crowd dispersed. I’ll just mention that it was pretty hot in Montreal so standing in this spot was both warm and sunny. We did see Misha (welcome back!) and Brian walk through, when Brian came by everyone got excited. I had joked before that with the size of this crowd that I felt Yuzu probably wouldn’t just waltz through the door like last year and that he would probably come in from the back.

As Brian was talking to the staff below I thought they were making arrangements for Yuzu to enter, but I couldn’t really hear much - in retrospect Brian probably WAS a decoy because as soon as I walked back in the rink, who else was there but Yuzu doing image training near the Kiss and Cry during the pairs practice!

After Yuzu disappeared back into the halls we promptly took our seats again, after having eaten (and having coffee, since I barely slept during my red-eye) and gotten a chance to stretch my legs I was more than ready for the men to start their practice sessions.

This is where my memory starts to blur a bit as I’m not entirely sure which men practiced their SP and which practiced their FS on this day. So here are some cursory comments on the free skates:

Javi: I'm not a fan of his free skate ending with The Impossible Dream, choreography was fine, some nice moments.

Misha: Delighted he decided not to retire last season!

Andrew and Jordan Dodds: I will admit I can’t tell the two apart and constantly mix them up (I kept wondering if they were twins).

Harry Mattick had an “entertaining” routine to Nightmare Before Christmas.

It was nice to see Daisuke Murakami back on the ice, even if his results here weren’t great. He sure does love his permed hair.

Keegan Messing has good speed, he definitely has niche in terms of the type of programs he skates to that may not resonate with me, but he has a great energy.

It was nice to see Nam Nguyen getting back on his feet, he looks much better than when I last saw him in Boston.

One of the skaters had a Schindler’s List/Rachmaninoff FS, it was an odd mix of music.

So onto Yuzu, I think I mentioned that news of the sore right knee came out as I was enroute to Montreal via Vancouver and I was pretty nervous for him, I wasn’t sure how simplifying his jump content was going to work out. His first practice was a pretty mixed bag in terms of jumps, he looked VERY awkward forcing himself to do 3Lz and 3Lo at the beginning of Seimei in the first practice, he looked like he had to visibly pull out of rotation early, but had great height. He popped some jumps and also had some issues with the axel. It did feel like he was conserving energy this day and taking it a bit easier than I usually see him in practice. As for Seimei, he didn’t do a full run-through but I love the little changes to the movement and the step sequence. We’ll have to see if they change things up though as he only got a level 3 for his step sequence in the free. His overall body language in the program has more commitment than before and it definitely feels more polished, the jumps in the second half in particular feel linked together. I did see him set up for the first jump in Ballade no. 1 with a 3Lo at first, and then a 4S, so I knew he was probably going to do a 4S instead of a 4Lo in the SP (this was later confirmed by Japanese media).

At one point, Yuzu basically did a besti squat around nearly half the rink. Turns out he’d include this in his new cool-down routine and it looks very cool and elegant! I love watching Yuzu practice, you get to see him move in a way you don’t always get to see during competition. I highly recommend you try to see him live and go to watch practice if you get the chance.

At the end of practice Daisuke sort of came up behind Yuzu and put his hand on his back, it was a very “there, there” type of gesture, which again, worried me a bit given the knee news, but it came off as a a big brother type of interaction. As Yuzu left the rink he bent down to touch the ice as he normally does when he enters and leaves the rink. Only this time, he seemed to linger there a couple seconds longer than usual, which again, made me a bit nervous.

And that was it for practice! I ended up skipping the junior short programs in order to get dinner and returned part-way into the senior ladies free skate. I missed Courtney Hicks so I can’t comment on her SP, but here are some general comments:

Elizabet Tursynbaeva had a clean-ish SP, and immediately after Rin Nitaya skated to the same music, but with lyrics. Elizabet has recently taken to trying tanos and rippons with her jumps, I’m not sure I love the end result.

Mai Mihara skated a clean SP. I liked this program when I first saw videos of it from the summer shows. In person I think Mai’s delivery of the choreography needs more sharpness and commitment, I don’t think she’s fully comfortable with the movements yet and it does affect the performance and execution somewhat. I’m sure she’ll work on this and hopefully bring the program to the next level.

Kaetlyn Osmond skated her Edith Piaf SP again and scored 75. This is a great program for her and she easily deserved her first place, but I wish they had done some fine tuning for this program. I think it was identical to what I saw at Skate Canada and Worlds last season. As this is a repeat program I’d like her team to focus on bringing it to the next level and sharpening it, otherwise I’m not sure how much higher she can score with it.

Things ended pretty late and we were in for another early morning to get good seats for practice, which meant a night of little sleep! The story of these skating trips for me are averaging 4-5 hours of sleep, eating unhealthy fast food and searching for fresh fruits and vegetables, and being indoors for over 12 hours in a day and going back to my hotel room to darkness and getting totally thrown off by what time it is. Day 2 and the epic SP recap to come later!

[sophiie-draw]

30 Reasons Not to Kill Yourself

1. Don’t worry about being fixed because you’re not broken.

“When I am in a terrible place, I have always told myself that I am going through whatever it is that I am going through in order to be able to better empathize with other people going through similar situations, and that I will be able to use this experience to help other people get through it. Which makes the pain feel like it has a purpose. Also, I try not to label what I am going through as good or bad (or terrible, as I did above) and to remember that everything is exactly as it is meant to be.” – Jane Pratt

2. Tell yourself: “I’m so deeply proud of you. Never forget that.”

“The person in the mirror will get even more beautiful if you open your heart to others. ”

3. You won’t always feel this way.

“Feelings are not facts. Your depression and your addiction are lying to you. They want you to believe that you are worthless and hopeless and that you will always feel this way. But you won’t always feel this way. You might not even feel this way for very long. Your feelings are not facts and they are not the truth.” – Emily McCombs

4. Life will change.

“When I’m really feeling dark, it’s hard for me to accept promises that it will be better, or that the situation will improve, or really any kind of optimism. I argue with myself or with whoever it is that is trying to cheer me up, reminding them that in life there is no guarantee things will turn out well. However, reminding myself that my life will change and it will be different, though not necessarily great or better, is easier to accept.”

5. You are not alone.

“The big one for me I think is: You are not alone. There are people out there who are going through what you are going through – and many of them have been able to find an even keel through love and support. It’s okay to admit that you are struggling and to acknowledge that yes, things are pretty f-cking sh-tty right now.” – s.e. smith

6. Good people exist.

“My present self would tell my past self that life doesn’t have to be like this, that life won’t always be like this, and good people exist and adulthood truly means the freedom to discard expectations (your own and others’). You will be happy, even if your life looks totally different than you ever thought it would. I would also warn myself: depression and mutual misery is a poor foundation for a lasting relationship. Lastly, I would tell myself that Cymbalta and Klonopin really work miracles.”

7. Talk back to your life.

“My worst times and my darkest thoughts tend to be when it is literally the darkest; at night. At my absolute worst times I’ve gotten through the night by embracing the hopelessness in a way that almost makes it come full circle. It becomes me talking to my life, talking to Hope, talking to Tomorrow, like "I know you’re bullsh-t and you have nothing for me. You suck, Tomorrow. Now…a tiny part of me also knows I’m being irrational right now, so on the off-chance that I’m wrong, I’m gonna stick around one more day and I DARE you to show up, Hope.” It doesn’t magically “show up,” of course, but being a rude, foul-mouthed bitch in my mind has gotten me through some unbearable nights. I would go back further and tell myself to be as much of an asshole in my mental chats with my depression as it can be to me. Obviously this is not a long-term plan or suitable for all occasions, but at my worst times it has been about living through the night.“ – Pia Glenn

8. Everything is temporary.

"Nothing lasts forever, not even the profundity of grief. My lowest points in life have been the times I’ve felt the most challenged, the times I’ve grown as a person, and the times for which I feel, in retrospect, most grateful. What I wish I could have told myself is that I am worth coming out the other side. That I deserve to heal from pain. I used to see pain and drama as a badge that would elicit empathy or attention from other people. If I could, I would hug that person and tell her that life isn’t always nice or fair but it’s a hell of a lot better when you love yourself.”

9. Reaching out shows strength.

���It’s OK to be depressed, it’s OK to admit it, it’s OK to ask for help. You are not weak for reaching out, it is a show of strength. You are allowed to feel things, you are allowed to feel pain. But that pain and depression does not define you. You will get through it, and it will be hard, but in the end it will be a memory.” – Louise Hung

10. You got this.

“The most important war to win, will be the one against yourself, and it is winnable.”

11. Give yourself credit.

“No matter what picture has been painted, everyone is dealing with their own crippling sh-t. And the truth is, most people don’t have time to judge anyone else’s struggle. They’re trying to get through another day just like you are. If you can get just get one thing done today, you’re doing better than a lot of those people. Give yourself credit for that one thing and try for two tomorrow.” – Gabby Keegan

12. Shift your perception.

“Happiness is a choice and there is always a lesson to be learned from a difficult hardship. Whatever it is that you’re going through, it is transient and you can decide how much weight you want to put on that particular problem. Shift your perception and expect something positive is coming your way, always.” – Donna Kim

13. Breathe.

“In this moment it is NOT okay. You hurt, it’s scary how bad it hurts, I know. Remember when it hurt before? Then that one funny, great, silly, loving moment happened? When you laughed until your sides hurt? When you loved so much you thought your heart was going to fly out of your chest? That will happen again. Breathe.”

14. This too will pass.

“That this is only one tiny slice of your life, and that the farther you get away from it the harder it’ll be to remember the details.” – Kate Conway

15. Don’t listen to voices that are not helping you.

“I would say despite the overwhelmingly loud voice in your head, you are a good person. It will pass. I also tell myself that even though it seems terrifying, go outside. If I can’t bare to do it, try again tomorrow. I was crying uncontrollably two weeks ago. This was my inner dialogue.”

16. Give yourself credit for this very moment.

“This worst is over, and look, you’re making it through. Everything will be okay again soon.” – Mandy Velez

17. Don’t be ashamed of your pain.

“It is okay to hurt; there’s no good or bad reason. It’s okay to be really mad at people who guilt trip me to keep me alive. It’s okay to wish they would just say, ‘I want you here. I would survive if something happened to you. It’s not about that. I want you to stay, because I think you’re great, but if you can’t stay, I understand. I’ll love you no matter what.’ And when those well meaning people who are too afraid to say that, don’t, I would say it to myself.”

18. You are worthy, even at your worst.

“I know it is hard to see it now – but you are and will always be more than this moment in time. You are worthy, you are wonderful and you are filled with unlimited potential. Do not let the insecurities of others affect the shining star that you are.” – Brittany Driver

19. Screw stigma.

“Screw the stigma attached to using medication. It does make things better, and screw what other people think about that. I fought against going on anti-depressants for years, in part because I was afraid that they wouldn’t work and I would be out of options, and in part because of all the opinions that other people have about them (they’re no more effective than placebos, it’s what weak people do to avoid normal emotions, you won’t be your authentic self, etc.) Even though it took close to two years to find the right medications and dosage, I now have no doubt that drugs saved my life and I wish I had started sooner.”

20. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend.

“Confide in someone about how you are feeling, and let them help you. It is probably the best thing you could do for the person you know who needs the most sympathetic handling right now: you.” – Frank San Filippo

21. Go outside.

“Keep doing whatever tiny normal things you can do. Eat, even when it’s like chewing cardboard. Go outside and walk around the block, even if you have to go back to bed afterwards. Sleep as close to normal hours as possible, even if it means using medication.”

22. Focus on the things you can change.

“I can think of a very dark time where I felt everything was imploding around me – there was almost no aspect of my life that was going right. I wanted things to feel better, I hated the life I was in and I focused on comparing myself to others and focusing on my failures. And then as a birthday present I got a tattoo that says 'Que Sera, Sera.’ And since then I have developed a lighter mindset, I am more appreciative of what I have, and I try to focus on the things I can change instead of the things I can’t. But if I could tell myself one thing and knew I’d listen… I’d say 'You’ll live. And oh what an amazing life it’s going to be.’” – Liz Black

23.You don’t need to hide.

“Ask for help and let people give it. Mental illness is isolating in part because it feels humiliating. But people who love you don’t need you to hide this part of yourself. And even letting a friend bring you food can be such a relief at times when you’re afraid of the grocery store.”

24. Let it go.

“This feeling is just temporary.” – Claire Lower

25. Know you are in there.

“Other crazy people make better friends. My best friend, who suffers from anxiety/panic disorder, has been the greatest comfort to me through my last two severe depressive episodes, and through my day-to-day struggle to function. Being able to express the things I think to someone who isn’t distressed or repulsed by them is invaluable. I also am able to look at her and know that someone who has these issues is still a worthwhile and lovable person, even at times when I can’t see that about myself. After CBT and different combinations of medications, I’m mostly stable. There are still deeply sh-tty days and weeks, but not months. And once in a while, I get a day where I feel joy and know that myself is still in there and still worth trying to save.”

26. Stop beating up on yourself.

“Really – the self-deprecation you think is protecting you is only making you feel worse. You think you’re just pre-emptively saying the things everyone is thinking, but the only people thinking those things are assholes whose opinions don’t mean anything to anyone who matters. Look in the mirror and like what you see. Like yourself. You’re unique and so long as there is just one of you out there, you might as well have some fun, stop hating yourself and embrace the light.” – Allan Mott

27. Find solace in humor.

“Being alone is hard. Sometimes it feels like more than you can handle. But any time you feel lonely or ashamed, a bit of wit restores your control. This cleverness is more than solace; it is strength. So don’t despair. You will be better for it. You will be loved.”

28. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this moment.

“I still ask myself and family and friends on sh-tty days, 'Will this matter in ten years? Will I remember this? Will it be a blip on the huge radar screen of my life? Will this be an anecdote or one of those things I only half remember because it was so insignificant even though it feels like EVERYTHING now?’ Because in most cases the answer is that it won’t matter, it is insignificant in the grand scheme of your life and a minor plot device in the movie of your life that doesn’t affect the arc of the story in any important way. Okay some days your grandma dies, those days suck. But the things you think are awful and unimaginably insurmountable? They’re not, they’re just happening this moment. One of my teachers had a mantra to say during times I felt panic or anxiety, 'There is absolutely nothing wrong with this moment.’ He would say to just repeat it. Even if it felt untrue. And like mantras do, at some point, the sounds become the truth. It may sound like a platitude but it works for me.”

29. Just keep going, and look to art to show you how.

“God speaks to each of us as he makes us,

then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,

go to the limits of your longing.

Embody me.

Flare up like a flame

and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.

Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.

You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.” – Rainer Maria Rilke (via Hannah Johnson)

30. You don’t want to miss what’s going to happen next.

“Ride it out. The story’s not over. You don’t want to miss what’s going to happen next.” – Elizabeth Nelson

This is not mine @randomslasher left this in my ask box, so the credit goes all to them. Also that kinda sounded like Logan Sanders was talking to me. Thank you btw.

[reznova]

What do you think of Keegan?

anon hour.

“Ah.”

Now there was something difficult to define. Drawing her gaze away from whomever had accosted her, the prisoner thought over her answer. One wrong move, and everyone would assume the Sergeant was wrapped around her finger. Any kindness towards an enemy, even one kept firmly under thumb, could become needlessly complicated for both of them. People did so love to talk.

In her own thoughts, Keegan was better than anyone deserved, especially Julia herself. He was a good man, the rarest type to find in these trying times. He was a man she would gladly follow, sharp as a blade and with a mind like a diamond. Keegan was a king among soldiers, and no doubt an asset that had helped the Americans turn the tide of the war.

He was a Ghost, through and through.

Admiration was tempered with anger, however, the knowledge that a man of such strong makings would just as easily destroy her. The moment any of these men learned what ha become of Logan Walker, she would be torn asunder. Keegan would, no doubt, be the worst of the wolves to fall upon her. Not for his bite, deadly as it was, but for all the kindness he ha shown her before.

He had shown her that she was still human, and deserved to be treated as such. If she shut her eyes, she might still feel the green grass against her skin, the darkness behind her eyelids painted robin blue like the sky had been. Keegan had shown her there were two sides to every conflict, had dragged something in her screaming from the shallow grave where she had buried it alive. He forced her back into something so intrinsically mortal after Europe and the Federation had caused her to excise any such weakness.

What ugliness others might make of such affection, of such comradeship.

“He’s a fine soldier, and not the worst man I have met on this base. I find him tolerable. I suppose I enjoy his company, when he has the time to humor me. Why?”

[hqtbells-blog]

plot bunnies masterlist. ✍🐰

Hey guys! So one of my goals for 2017 was to make my year in Scandalous as enriching and inclusive as possible. Come August, I will have been a member of this group for four years - that’s insane. I’ve never been part of a role play group for that long and it’s all due to the fellow writers that surround me here. It’s been so much fun playing Troian here and getting the chance to interact and write and plot with as many of you as possible. Sometimes I wonder how I haven’t run out of muse for her just yet since with other characters, I lasted only months feeling creative on them but I know that the biggest reason is all her connections. From gif chats to paras to chatzies to text threads - I love all of it and I’m so thankful you guys seem to care about my fictional queen. As much as I love real life Troian and hope that I’m playing at least all of her best qualities as true to life as possible, I also feel like I’ve made her my own completely with her own backstory and her own history that’s mine entirely. I’m probably never going to actually meet Troian (but hey, just standing next to her and hearing her voice in my ear was enough), so my characterization of her comes from interviews and articles and just..me, I guess. So thank you for indulging me in playing her because she’s honestly my true escape.

And that goes for Ian and now Lili as well! I took on Ian after several portrayals of him so I was lucky enough to get plots and connections instantly, but Ian’s friendships and the ship of Ian x Lucy has been so much fun to play as well. I’m not quite as educated on him as I am with Troian, or even Keegan for that matter, but I still love that adult man child so much so I’m happy you guys are always willing to interact with me on him as well. As for Lili, well - there’s literally not even a Wikipedia page dedicated to her yet. I’m going with scraps here so Lili’s also going to be a character I basically create from scratch. I can’t wait.

I rambled enough, and the whole point of this post is that I want plots. I need plots. On all of my characters. I want to write with as many of you as I can and I want my previous connections to thrive and new connections to grow. I know how nerve wracking it can be approaching players for plots and there’s always that “uhh..I really wanna write with you but I don’t know what to do..” since most of it is based on chemistry, yeah? You can’t just jump into a ship plot or a fwb plot or any sort of relationship plot without seeing if your chemistry meshes together first. So these ideas are more based on settings, and if any of them interest you, please message me and we’ll get more into detail! Like I said, this can be with Troian, Ian, or Lili. I don’t want to do repeat plots so please don’t ask me to do the same plot on more than one character, because we’ll both just get bored. We want variety, right? We want it all. So take a look over, see if any catch your eye and I can’t wait to write with you!

001. My character and yours decide to spend the night in a “supposedly haunted” house. It can actually be haunted, it can just be aesthetically creepy, but they’re spending a whole night in there with nothing but flashlights, their cellphones, a sleeping bag, snacks and maybe a video recorder.

002. My character or your character comes onto the scene to see m/y getting arrested or pulled over. Is it all a big misunderstanding? Is alcohol involved? Are charges pressed? The severity of it is up for negotiation! (Please keep in mind your character’s criminal history, the affects it would have on their life e.g. children, partner, work, and how any charges would impact their reputation.)

003. My character and yours are handcuffed to each other..and one of them has lost the key. Please note I did this plot on Ian with him and Lucy, and it took a more humorous route. It doesn’t have to be funny! Our characters can be pissed about having to spend the day together - it’s even better if your character is involved with another person or has to be on set that day. They have to spend a whole day together, a span of at least seven hours but the key eventually has to be found.

004. Somebody’s won the lottery - it’s the character of your choosing! The prize amount can range from one hundred dollars to five hundred. Our characters decide to have a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Adventure with these winnings and cross items off their bucket list together. Keep in mind they have to stay in one state and obviously items checked off can’t be too big - no traveling to Europe or finding your long lost mother.

005. OPEN PROMPT - Troian will write a letter to her future self and your character can read it and respond to it. Note: We can also make this a plot! The letter can be left on her kitchen table, tucked into a book at the book store, etc.

(With open prompts, the post will obviously be locked so only your character can reply to it!)

006. M/Y character just got the crushing news that they didn’t make the dream audition they’ve been working so hard for - screw ‘em! They don’t know how good they could’ve had it. Alcohol (or something else if your character is a recovering addict) is the obvious cure and now the goal for tonight is to cheer you up and find you a new project.

007. This one will be pretty basic - think of something your character has always wanted to cross off their bucket list and ask my character to join you. They don’t have to be close, the whole point is that they do this together.

008. It’s late at night and m/y character is sitting down on the curb, looking sad and alone. They’re approached and pretty soon, they’re spilling their guts about their hopes and wants. They’re obviously in a pretty vulnerable spot, so maybe alcohol is involved. Maybe they’ve just been rejected. Maybe they’re having a bad night. This plot idea is pretty basic too - I just want our characters to have a deep chat. R E S E R V E D for; Lili + Keegan. @supitskeegs

009. OPEN PROMPT - It’s a game of truth or dare with Ian. No question is off limits, no dare too risky. (Please do not attempt to murder my adult baby tho.) R E S E R V E D for; Ian + Zendaya. @iaamz

010. OPEN PROMPT - Lili will write about her biggest regret, and your character will read it and be able to reply.

011. Last night is a blur - neither my character or yours remember it. It started out with a few tequila shots and then..just blackness. What’s even scarier is that our characters wake up in the same bed together the next morning. Note: Only with Lili will this plot extend to the possibility of our characters having slept together.

012. M/Y character can’t sleep. Tossing and turning, turning and tossing, and even counting sheep just won’t suffice tonight. Giving up the fight, they roll over and grab their phone. With eyes closed, they point to a contact in their address book and decide to text/call/FaceTime them to see if they’re up. Somebody’s got to lull you to sleep. R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Zoe. @hyfzoe

013. M/Y character has just gotten stood up. They worked really hard on looking nice too, even if they were a little reluctant about the date. Do our characters come across each other on the night out? Does someone call for a getaway car? Oh no - they can’t stop crying and now it’s up to the knight (or lady knight!) in shining armor to save the day! R E S E R V E D for; Lili + Grant. @theflashgrant

014. AU PROMPT - Zombie apocalypse! What do our characters do when the unthinkable happens? How do they fight off the zombies? Where do they hide? Note: This will probably be just a one shot but it could go into multiple threads if the story gets interesting!

015. AU PROMPT - Y/M character is homeless and has been that way for a while. Limited to stealing from the grocery store, sympathetic dollars from passersby, and soup kitchens, the other character comes across them one cold night. They’re trying to stay warm near and y/m takes pity on them and invites them back home. 

016. AU PROMPT - Y/M character is the king/queen of their kingdom and the opposite is the new handmaiden/stable boy/whatever other title we can think of. How do our characters get along? Is it a forbidden friendship? Are they plotting something evil? Do our characters fall in love and plan to run away together?

017. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the most unforgettable moment of her life and your character will be able to read it and reply.

018. AU PROMPT - The world is ending in exactly one week. How do our characters prepare for it? How do those last seven days go for us, together and apart?

019. Y/M character comes across the opposite getting very publicly reprimanded/insulted/jeered at/harassed and it’s unclear whether they deserve it (though if it’s sexual harassment - you know they don’t.). Regardless, they’re embarrassed. Tears are streaming down their face, cheeks are turning red, and now a whole crowd has gathered. What do you do to stop it? R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Grant. @theflashgrant

020. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about who he would most like to switch bodies with for a day and your character will be able to read and reply to it. Note: This can also be a Freaky Friday AU prompt for any character!

021. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about the bravest thing she’s ever done and your character will be able to read and reply to it. 

022. Y/M character is getting hit on by a very intoxicated individual and they’re not impressed. Or maybe they’re amused. Or maybe they’re ready to grab that drink off the nearest table and throw it in this person’s face. Do you step in and try to get them out of it? Do you pretend to be their significant other? Do you distract them by adding yourself into the equation? What follows after is up to us! R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Keegan. @supitskeegs

023. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the scariest moment of her life and the person who helped her though it. Your character is able to read and respond. Note: Depending on which moment I choose, I might also extend this open to the character she mentions if they are playable.

024. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about his biggest fear and your character is able to read and reply. R E S E R V E D for; Ian + JoAnna. @joannagrcia

025. Our characters go on a trip together. They don’t have to be close. They can be total strangers with each other, or they can be the best of friends. The point is that they’re spending a maximum of five days together in somewhere other the state/country they reside. How the trip comes about, where they go, what happens on it is entirely up to us and can be discussed! R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Nina. @nina--dobrev

026. Y/M character comes across the other writing/reading fan fiction. How embarrassing! Or not, if the character genuinely enjoys it. Our characters can talk about the fanfiction, can act it out (bonus points if they film it and share it with fans), or they can just be mortified and beg and plead to do anything so that the other person won’t tell their guilty little pleasure..

027. AU PROMPT - Ten years have passed for our characters and this is the first time they are seeing each other. What’s the relationship like? What happened in the past that they went years without contact? What’s been going on in their lives? Note: This plot works better for already tight-knit connections but we can make up histories! It is alternate universe, after all. :)

028. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about her biggest flaws and her biggest weaknesses. Your character is able to read and reply.

029. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about a huge event in her life that changed her world forever. Your character is able to read and reply.

030. Y/M character has just received a gift from the other, and it’s very unexpected. It’s something they’ve been wanting for a while! Why did the character do this? What’s the gift? The only thing that has to be certain about this plot is that it’s positive. No negative gifts. No prank gifts. Just a simple, fluffy plot about the kindness of a character.

031. AU PROMPT - Our characters get thrown into a fictional universe for a day and have to live in that world. Where are they? Do they get thrown into a plot? How the heck do they get out?!

032. Y/M character is baby-sitting and oh shit, they’re baby sitting an actual demon spawn. They call the other character for help! Just how messy of a situation are they in? (I’d very much like to do this plot because Lord knows I have personal stories to back this up..) R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Sophie. @sophieteex

033. The weather is crazy outside. It’s practically hurricaneing/tornadoeing/snowing/earthquaking/whatever weather condition you can think of. The only thing that can’t be changed is that our characters are stuck together until it’s over.

034. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about his favorite book. Your character is able to read and reply.

035. Everything is going wrong today for y/m character. And now the opposite is dragged into it. Are they able to turn the day around? Why is the day going so bad? Did somebody break a mirror? Cheer up squad to the rescue. R E S E R V E D for; Ian + Grant. @theflashgrant

036. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about a time she was generous/somebody was generous towards her. Your character is able to read and reply.

037. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the one thing she’d like to change about herself. Your character is able to read and reply.

So there you go! Plenty of options and I tried to make none of them require admin approval so that we have free reign to plot to our heart’s content. The AU prompts will be strictly chatzies since they have nothing to do with the present verse, and the open prompts will be more chat threads on the dash. I had so much fun compiling these together and if I’m lucky enough to get volunteers, I’ll be making a part two. Thanks for looking over and I hope some interest you!

[youngandmadeoflightning-blog]

Mal. Your story. It's so heartbreaking. I'm happy you could escape from that cycle. Abusive relationships are so hard to escape once you're deep into them. Because you don't realise that you're in one at the beggining. And it's hard when the ones who hurt you are the one who are supossed to love you. And you feel guilt, even if you didn't do wrong. Blocking him must be so hard, I'm so proud. People sometimes understimate the impact of psychological abuse has.

Thank you so much, sweetheart. You're absolutely right. Psychological abuse is just as real and damaging as physical and sexual abuse, and can leave just as permanent of an impact. If it weren't for some amazing guys who came into my life towards the end of my connection with Ty, especially Keegan, I don't know how long it would have taken me to realize I was worth more than what Ty made me believe. I really was in love with him. I risked giving up my whole family time and time again for him. I can't imagine what state of depression I'd be in now if I had let him take me fully into his grasp. It hurt so much to leave him because I felt like was being just like all the other girls from his past (if those stories were even true) and abandoning him, but I realized I had to save myself. I had to love myself first, for once. And while it hurts, I don't regret it for a second.To anyone who is stuck in an abusive relationship of any kind, like I was, please listen: You are worth so much more than this. You are worthy of love and affection. You are beautiful, and loved, and valid all on your own. You don't need anyone else in order to have weight in this world. You matter. So, so much. I know this person probably tells you they love you, and when they're being kind and loving, it's easy to focus on that and believe them, but no one who truly loves you will hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. Love builds you up. Period. You don't deserve the pain, physical or mental. Don't believe the lies. If you can, tell someone. If you can, ask for help to leave. If you can't, please just keep fighting and know that you are wanted and valid and that you are worth more than this.All the love xx