DEAR THEODOSIA WITH BART’S DADS DEAR THEODOSIA WITH BART’S DADS
“You’ll blow us all away someday.”
“I swear that I’ll be around for you.”
I AM BITING MY KNUCKLES AND SOBBING.
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I just got off the phone with my brother’s friend and I want to share something about the conversation we had real quick. If you don’t wanna listen to me talk about how I feel as a creative, then scroll on, I won’t be offended. I just want to toss this out in the ether.
I usually keep the things I create to myself. There’s a running joke in my family about how I spend so much time writing but they never see any of it. And it’s because I never feel more vulnerable than I do when I write or on occasion draw.
Okay, so. The Ghost art I did last week. I showed my brother, because he’s a CoD fan and I thought he’d appreciate it. He asked for permission to show his friends, and I said that was okay as long as they kept it close.
And today, one of his friends reached out to me to talk about it. He said it was, and I quote, “very epic” and I thanked him. Then, without me having to say anything, he told me it must not be easy to put your work of full display, even to friends and family (I didn’t tell him it’s so much harder to show people I know than people I don’t).
He could tell how relieved I was to be understood and allowed me to explain. I told him that, for me personally, when I create something, it’s a part of me. And he caught on, saying that I must hope more for good reactions because it’s a part of me.
Exactly. It’s like giving someone the power to hurt me and hoping they won’t. Like if I were asked what part of me the drawing of Ghost is, I would have an answer, but it wouldn’t be easy to admit to someone who knows the me I am when I’m perceived bodily. Same way it isn’t easy to show the drawing, because you might not be able to see what part of me it is, but I can. It’s an intentional vulnerability, but even knowing and being braced for it, doesn’t always make it easier.
Then he asked if the reward outweighs the risk. And I had to tell him that, yeah, sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s enough that someone will look at something I’ve made and like it—like a part of me without me having to say that it is, to point out which part. That little glimpse of acceptance is what’s the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days it’s enough.
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I think one big reason why we don't consider the stars as important as before (not even pop-astrology anymore cares about the stars or the sky on itself, just the signs deprived of context) is because of light pollution.
For most of human history the sky looked between 1-3, 4 at most. And then all of a sudden with electrification it was gone (I'm lucky if I get 6 in my small city). The first time I saw the Milky Way fully as a kid was a spiritual experience, I was almost scared on how BRIGHT it was, it felt like someone was looking back at me. You don't get that at all with modern light pollution.
When most people talk about stargazing nowadays they think about watching about a couple of bright dots. The stars are really, really not like that. The unpolluted night sky is a festival of fireworks. There is nothing like it.
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Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?
Everybody, apparently: No?
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Christmas as a cultural icon is starting to get really dystopian in a climate sense, december has historically been a time of year in which there would be snow in a significant portion of europe and north america, and the fact that its not even icy this time of year and all the christmas songs and decorations reference a time of year that will likely never exist in the same way again in my life time is so strange.
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