#Just needed somewhere to store this info for myself

[spearxwind]

I love the map you made for broken horizon! I've always wanted to make maps for my own worldbuildling, but Ive never figured out how. Did you draw that by hand, or use some kind of map generator, or some other option? im excited to see what else you have in store :)

Thank you!! And I'm flattered people think its done using a generator but its all done by hand!!

Also, I only recently figured out how to make maps that look decent myself recently so I want to share the techniques that helped me because it made making maps sooo fun fr. So here's kind of a walkthrough?

First off I blocked out the rough shapes of the continents, settled on what kind of biomes more or less would be in the different areas

If you want inspiration, or if you need help placing biomes, THIS SITE is super helpful for this stuff!! It can generate landmasses for you, and give you some misc biome info as well. I drew the continents on it and set parameters to get the types of biomes I liked and used it as an inspiration.

After the first block in, you just have to work hard un-refining the edges, and making them rough. Looking at real maps or at google earth helps for reference :] follow ur heart!!

Here's a screenshot of somewhere with less refined borders, this was me going over all the edges with a rough texture brush and making it look more natural. It just takes a lot of work to go in and refine stuff bit by bit but personally I find it really cathartic -w-

I did all of mine in black over white so I could see the silhouette of the coast easily

If you have any textured brushes that have rly rough edges, this is the time to use them, just make sure you aren't using any transparency!

Something that I found helped me a lot, if you are using a program like clip studio paint (the one I used) is use the edge feature. Maybe if you don't have csp you will have a similar feature on it? What it does is it creates an edge of the color of your choosing around everything on that layer. (This layer setting also negates any transparency that I mentioned earlier)

If you look here you can see it around the whole coast:

Here is how it looks like without the edge:

it's a lot different isnt it? This is up to personal preference but I think the edge helps a lot with the vibe of the map being hand drawn.

If you look close you can see that all of the edges are very jagged and pixelled, I think this helps a lot with realism as well since coasts are usually jagged (and they needed to be especially so for my headworld)

After doing this you just need to color in the biomes (or not! you can always do an old timey map and just write cities and stuff on there)

What's most important is that you go Out There and make maps and have fun!!! If you make any feel free to tag me in them 👍 I hope this helps!

[oonajaeadira]

For the Love of Fic Joel Miller

It's been a time in my world. Busyness and writer's block has been troubling. I think a lot of it stems from just feeling behind in general, so I thought I might launch into a catch-up campaign for myself ... in reading fic.

And I had a lot of this fella to catch up on.

So hold onto your butts, my friends, because herein lies the fics I loved in my several weeks of just. reading. Joel. <3

Spinner by @insomniamamma Joel has such a caretaker streak in him that being observant and taking to a neuro-divergent reader rings so true. I love a huddling-for-warmth tale--I do so enjoy a good cuddle with a gruff broad man.

The Reason for the Season by @prolix-yuy Now here's a fun idiots-to-lovers take where one of the yearners is our Joel. When Ellie has questions about old traditions, he takes her to the other idiot--a school teacher with a warm smile and some yearns of her own. Aka you. I very much enjoyed this tale of finding the many varied and true meanings for the Holiday in all its forms.

Please Mister Please by @grogusmum Hazel imagines Joel as a kindred lovely soul, one that has a song of his own that brings sorrow, just like yours does you. But is seems he has a better song in mind....

Carpe Diem by @boliv-jenta I love that fic writers want nothing ore in the world than to tell Joel he's going to get taken care of and doesn't have a choice in the matter. I'm so glad this one afforded him the chance to actually speak and grab the moment...even with a little help from a friendly weed...

Year of Small Joys: A Quiet Night In by @keldabe-kriff I'm in love with this little slice of post-apocalypse life. It gives me hope that even if the world falls apart, there will still be the chance to find the quiet somewhere, and with someone...

Simple Pleasures by @julesonrecord Listen. i don't care if the info trail goes cold or not. If it means getting off with Joel--even this cranky, somber version of him--I already consider my self lucky.

Able by @ladamedusoif I have no doubt that a cane would come in handy during an apocalypse, and for many reasons. It's fun to watch Joel realize it too, and to walk the reader through one of the things he knows--a full-blown panic attack. Disabled reader represent!

Snooze by @tightjeansjavi Short. Sweet. Quiet. A soft drabble of everything I want--now that Joel is safe and sinking into a domestic life, he loves him some naps. And with naps comes warmth and lazy days, and a big ol' bear of a man to cuddle with.

Mine by @secretelephanttattoo I really really love this beautifully written meditation on Joel and Tess' relationship; how they share intimacy and how they won't. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and so very real.

When His Eyes Open by @undercoverpena A beautiful train of thought from Joel as he opens his eyes to find you awake next to him, thankful for what you represent in his life. It's so soft and wonderful. It's a drabble, but I could read a whole multi-chapter fic of this.

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BY @something-tofightfor

Birthday Kiss #7: Joel Miller If I was stuck at the end of the world, I'd be thankful to have a Joel Miller to find me in the early hours, knowing exactly where I'd be and exactly what day it was, just to sing me a Happy Birthday.

Smutsgiving Feast 2023: Turkey - Joel Miller It's Thanksgiving in Jackson and Joel's been helping you get settled in after a traumatic past. Everything you need is here--family, an invitation, Joel carving a perfect turkey with his sleeves all rolled up...and perhaps there's more going on upstairs later....

Snow and Mistletoe (series) Rachael loves Christmas and I always look forward to her holiday fics since the coziness always comes through so strong in them. This series is no exception by far. A no-outbreak fic where you own a music store and Ellie's your niece and Sarah's her best friend and the two girls pull a parent trap on you and Joel in the very best way. It all unfolds against a backdrop of different holiday gatherings--social, work, family--and all of them sweet and beautiful and enticing in their own way. The season may be over, but this zinged me back in time a couple of months and I'm not mad about it. In fact, I'm thankful for it.

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BY @missredherring

Wrong Until You Make it Right A yearning Joel is always good in my book, but the earnest way he years after his plus-sized coworker here is so very juicy and sweet. I love to see him watch a lady do what she does best.

J.M. + "Tell me what you like" I think if I was stuck at the end of the world and asked Joel Miller to read to me because I had no glasses and he said yes, I might die of happiness on the spot.

Warming Up Joel deserves a good teasing, which is a little of what he gets for sleeping in while you go outside to shovel and then return to his furry, heated body to warm up. and, of course, maybe get a little recreational. After all, nothing warms up cold hands like all the bits and pieces of a Joel Miller.

A Flower in February I really love this story. Rachel does a good job of placing you firmly in the QZ with all of its bleakness, giving you one spot of color--a crocus in the snow. After a spot of bad luck with some bad people, Joel's there to set things right--well, as right as it can be. And I'll take it, because in the world of TLOU, it's everything.

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BY @ezrasbirdie

Observations This is so so sweet. Neuro-D reader is so observant about not being accepted or invited to be part of groups, it breaks my heart. But Joel sees her. Worries about her. Likes her. And he's getting better at pasta.

Sticky This one left me a mess. Maybe not as messy as the toy reader gives him to play with while she's gone or while she's on the phone, but I may have had to wipe the drool off my chin...

Crystal Now this one was made for me. Here we have a witchy reader and Joel has a lot of thoughts about her. Surprise though, because none of them are negative. They're curious and wondrous and endearing. He's bewildered by the hanging herbs and the rocks and oils, but they make her happy and that's all he asks. Sweet man.

Sparks Fly Two words: eating ass. That's what falls out of reader's mouth under the influence and perhaps that's a good slip because there's gonna be plenty going in her mouth--and Joel's--later on. And it's gonna be hot like fire.

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BY @blueeyesatnight

There's a Word for It As Blue says in her notes, this is where she lives. As in, it's what she does best. This here is a no nonsense meditation on Joel and Tess and how they met and how they functioned. There may or may not have been a word for what they had...it was many words. And they're all here in order, comprising this fic.

Trimmed This fic hit something deep in me, the way it uses memory is really lovely and really feels steeped in canon. The little things we share with someone, not worth mentioning to anyone else, hard to put into words how meaningful it is to you personally or maybe you don't know until they're gone...or until a familiarity with someone else triggers it...

Trouble This is a masterclass in examining Ellie and Joel after they return to Jackson. It weaves in and out of their shared POVs, examining their feelings about who they've become, how they justify Joel's actions and words, who they are to each other, how far they can trust one another, and maybe how tainted that love is. But it's still love all the same. It's amazing and packs a really good punch.

Honest Mistake A short and sweet trope reversal where Joel makes an honest mistake and instead of retrieving Tommy from a situation, kidnaps a boss instead. I love the way the brothers' relationship comes out in the dialogue.

Trying This fic broke my heart a couple of times. Blue imagines the Joel of beforetimes and then bridges the gap to Tess. The man just keeps at it, over and over....because its' what he knows. It makes his arrangement with Tess and actual heaven and I thank her for it.

I Like My Girls A Little Bit Older - (Over the Hill pair) And I like that Joel likes it. He certainly has a type and the reader in this fic has a real sassy, no-nonsense attitude that can meet Joel's in a pretty good dance. And that last sentence may be a spoiler for this story...maybe...

I Know Just What You're Saying - (Over the Hill pair) I love that when Joel is having trouble understanding a teenage girl, he has the foresight to go talk to someone what WAS one once. And that he cares enough to ask for the biiggest favor...and that the reader has no choice but to give it to him.

I Thought I Could Be Someone - (Over the Hill pair) There are so many forms of grief and some of them come out of nowhere from sources you never even knew. Blue does beautiful job in finding that moment here, all wrapped up in an unexpected softness from Joel. This is my favorite of the series yet.

Just Like Heaven - (Over the Hill pair) This brought me back to being a teenager, that "does he like me or want to keep me at arm's length" feeling, that "should I kiss him or is he gonna kiss me" feeling. Of course I get the ending I'm hoping for though! Blue is not gonna leave us hanging when it comes to Joel Miller.

That Summer Seemed to Last Forever - (Over the Hill pair) I still don't forgive Blue for this one. How dare she make me love so bittersweet? That's not to say it isn't beautiful and artfully done. Grab yer hankies, all.

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BY @morallyinept

O' Christmas Tree by @morallyinept This is a precious, delicate story, one in which Joel loves so deeply and hurts so much that the thought of losing you--a real possibility since you've been very ill. But he'd do pretty much anything to see you smile, even if it means facing down a day int he cold to bringyou something to warm your heart.

Northern Lights Imagine camping with Joel. Sharing a sleeping bag. Under the aurora. Hand stuff in the wild has never been so sweet and hot.

Saviour Harsh and heartbreaking and real, this Joel is almost beyond help and I love the way Jett so beautifully details the many little deaths of a survivor. Angst to spare here, but true to character all the way.

Adoration Imagine you are married to no-outbreak, breast-man Joel. Happy. Loved. With a lump. I'm so awed by this fic, that Jett takes a very common nightmare and examines it, never sugar-coating, never denying the difficulties. It's a hard process and maybe I cried. But then there's Joel and his beautiful, steady consistency. I've never been more in love.

Home I can't imagine the love of my life just disappearing one day...but Jett can. Don't worry though, there's a happy ending waiting for you.

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BY @maggiemayhemnj

Happy Tuesday There's no need for Valentine's Day if there's a Happy Tuesday. I love this take on a couple who know how sappy they are for each other but make a joke of subverting the sap. A no-outbreak Joel who's still 20 years on, 20 years in love, and 20 years loving it. Which is exactly how long I'll be loving these two.

A mini Happy Tuesday interlude (Spring prompt: Bees) - (Happy Tuesday pair) Maggie's damn good with a drabble, but even better with a good ending line. I smile every time.

He Sees You - (Happy Tuesday pair) If this is what goes through Joel's head as he watches you assess yourself in the mirror, then that man is in L O V E love.

Breakfast Is Served - (Happy Tuesday pair) I would do anything to be able to cook well, if only to be able to make biscuits for Joel Miller so we can sit at the table with messy bed head and use breakfast as Sunday foreplay.

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[sgiandubh]

Why would Ashley go to follow and stop following Caitriona? After all aren't sam and caitriona supposed to be just friends and colleagues so why do that? They're the ones creating all the fuss for nothing. If they acted like colleagues no one would go looking 🙄🙄🙄 . I don't understand this need to always dismiss Caitriona as if it's oh my god never associate Caitriona with sam. What a crime to see two friends together ! Following Caitriona means nothing, it doesn't define an affair nor a relationship between them so I don't see the point in avoiding following this woman 🙄🙄 !

Dear Following Anon,

You can try to dilute things as much as you want, but you seem to ignore one of the weird Laws of Thermodynamics in this fandom:

Follows and unfollows are important and relevant. Until they aren't.

I do not share many people's mystique in this regard, simply because I happen to believe social media is nothing more than a tool. Whether it is used for promo and/or manipulation is anyone's guess. What is clear is that there are more things than the bits we are privy to via Instagram, very often with an agenda.

In that particular case, the follow clicked with some info I was shared regarding that get together at the Milady's bar. I was also told Ashley did (help) organize the event, which is consistent with her posting an IG story featuring some Sassenach bottles she was delivering 'somewhere' just before it took place.

And then, there's also this detail:

Clearly she knew the owners/bartending team and arranged things.

But perhaps she thought/was told that would be exposing her too much and then changed her mind about following C? I suppose all we can do is speculate, Anon. Fact is Ashley followed her and she doesn't anymore. Anyone's guess, really.

I will respectfully disagree with you about them deliberately 'creating this fuss for nothing'. You probably are a Fencer and, as all Fencers do, you seem to be unable to connect the dots and never question anything you are told. A most regrettable, unpleasant thing that takes away all the fun and permanently closes all the interesting doors and avenues you could explore in this fandom. Your explanation does not hold: if there is nothing, why condone this ambiguity? For clicks? That is ridiculous. C doesn't give a flying duck about clicks and he just has to take off his shirt: mommies worldwide will instantly unite and drool. How Pavlovian!

There is also another thing: C's Stans really seem to have strong, repressed feelings for her, that might go beyond what is socially acceptable from a fan. They seem to display such a deep sense of possession, it often made me raise an eyebrow in disbelief. If we follow this reasoning, then McGill is the perfect, harmless companion: they see him as no serious threat to their fantasies. S is something else and their minds dissociate - otherwise, as Yeats once famously wrote, 'Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold'.

'Following Caitriona means nothing, it doesn't define an affair nor a relationship between them'. Oh, Anon, I hope you didn't imply Ashley and C... come on, get a grip! By now, all the side players must have been gently, but firmly briefed about people's behavior in this fandom: lack of filter, and all. What would you do, if you were Ashley Hearn?

Finally, let me correct something about the timeline of events - thank you for the opportunity to do so:

I did write in a previous post (https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/765519132954329088/seems-sams-mom-has-been-in-new-york-as-well) that the Milady's get together was on October 17th. I was wrong and superficial, albeit in all good faith. It was on October 16th, after C was spotted at the Burberry's 57th Street Flagship Store Reopening VIP Dinner, in New York:

I do apologize for this mistake and would like to thank @mojo106 for rigorously setting the record straight: what would I do without your collective scrutiny? Probably make a fool of myself.

However, the whole rest of it is legit and I am sticking to whatever I could write about it. Never a problem acknowledging mistakes and owning them, here. Warts and all, Anon. Warts and all.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for not eating the cake my family got me for my birthday and instead getting my own?

so, it was my birthday recently and i typically don't like cake. i'm very picky about it. the only kind i really like is red velvet and sometimes really good chocolate cake. however, my family always gets me a cake from the local grocery store. usually something i don't like such as vanilla with regular icing or (imo) an abomination they sell that's a "snickers" cake and is sooo sickly sweet, i hate it.

well... they got me a "snickers" cake again this year. ngl i was pretty disappointed and sad. i've told them repeatedly i would really like it if they could order me a red velvet cake from somewhere bc that's my favorite but they never do. so when it came time to blow out candles i did but when they tried to serve me a piece i declined. everyone looked at me kinda funny but i shrugged it off.

(a note: i live with my grandma and mom)

so, the next day, i went out and bought myself some red velvet cupcakes for myself. my grandma found out and got really upset and called me ungrateful for not just eating the cake they got me. my mom took her side and agreed that i was being ridiculous and didn't need to get myself cupcakes. i didn't even saying anything about being disappointed, all i did was come home with red velvet cupcakes for myself... but now my grandma has called and told most the family and everyone thinks i was rude and ungrateful and am being a brat.

i guess i might be the asshole for not just eating the cake they got me? but i didn't like it and wanted red velvet. so AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[coraline-jones353]

Hii is it okay if I request Ray Manchester x Single Mother reader?

A little more info on her is that she works as a CEO and people think shes intimidating and scary due to how strict she is but in reality she only wants whats best for her coworkers and child

The way she met Ray was either through junk n stuff or maybe Captain Man thinking she was evil

Feel free to skip this! No worries :)

Omg thank you so much for the details, there a life savior. Since this is a request it will get pushed to the top of my drafts so it should be done soon!

A Ceo's World

Summary: Y/n is a single mother of a lovely young lady, melody. She's a big CEO in Swellview. She needs a particular object that can only be found at Junk n stuff for her daughters 10th birthday, or so she thought.

Warnings: Cuss words, made up singer for this, scheming kids

Y'all idk about this one I think it's shitty 😭

While driving to Junk n stuff all I can think about is how stupid I'm about to look. I had to drive to this random store just for some shirts and pins. The lengths I go for this kid I swear. Me, a well respected woman is about to go get merch from this random kid creator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sigh as I walk into the store. I scan the room and find nothing. Great, I think to myself now I have to go ask someone for help.

I look around for an employee and see a man at the counter. He's charming. Beautiful dark brown hair and omg his muscles. He looks like he works out in his free time. And I don't see a ring on his finger.

Today Mr. Gooch was out sick and there was no major crime, only Jeff so Henry aka Kid Danger just went to handle that alone. That left Ray there alone to handle the store.

This is bullshit, Ray thought to himself, I should be out there fighting crime and kicking ass but instead I'm stuck behind a counter for a fake store. Ray dramatically grabs a newspaper from the stand outside and sits in his chair, putting his feet up and relaxing.

Just then a customer walks in. Ray looks up from his magazine to see the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, hell she's even hotter than Henry's mom. She looks serious and is in business attire, she's got to be important. But he swears he has seen her somewhere. Perhaps in a commercial? Or maybe on a billboard? He scrambles to his feet and rushes over to his customer. A little too quickly he realizes as he almost trips over his feet on his way over.

"Hi I'm Ray, Manchester, Ray Manchester." He says in a frantic way like his words are racing to leave his mouth before he can even take a breath. "Hello, I'm Y/n L/n. I'm looking for merch for my daughter. It's from this singer, uh I think her name is AppleCore?" I say looking around for the familiar green shirts with a red apple on them. AppleCore is a famous girly pop singer that is popular around now. Many girls will come in the store just to try to find any "vintage" merch of hers. They come in, singing all her songs and shopping for apple stuff.

"Oh yeah I know what you're talking about, but we don't sell that here." Ray says "Oh I could have sworn she said it was here." I say looking around again. Ray watches your eyes go back and forth, up and down, his store hoping to find what it is she wants even though he knows he doesn't have it.

"Well I'll just look up the shirt and find another store." I say shaking my head at my daughter's misinformation.

"Wait, wait.. Do you think I could have your number?" Ray says in a panic as you make a bee line for the door. "My- my number?" My eyes widden in shock at his sudden interest in me.

"Yes. You're very gorgeous and I'd like to get to know you more." Ray explains with a dazzling smile.

[theparliamentofrooks]

OKAY SO I HEARD ABOUT YOU BEING A COMPLETE YO KAI WATCH FAN AND BUCK ENJOYER AS THE BIGGEST BUCK ENJOYER MYSELF I WANT TO HWAR ABOUT YOUR HEADCANONS IF YOU WOULD NOT MIND, I WOULD LIKE TO INFO DUMP TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A REAL CHARACTER I LOVE HIM

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIITERALLY THE CHARACTER EVER i will gladly drop everything i think about him (or like half of it at least) here. Absolutely. He taught me how it feels to have an obscure fave HAHA

One big thing is that I age up the Yokai Watch characters with me cause they're my No. 1 comfort characters, so Buck (and everyone else) are young adults (like 18). Also Buck is Mexican/Honduran because he has too much swag not to be

Out of the YW3 trio (Nate, Buck, Hailey) it's BUCK that's the smartest. He gets pretty good grades with minimal studying and only puts in effort for big exams. The first time Nate saw he got 100% on a test he was so mad because they blew the past week doing nothing but Yokai stuff

Also he's just really good leader material for the trio. Nate of course is the best leader for Yokai and everyone in general (when times are tough) but Buck thinks ahead well

Is extremely popular in town. Literally 65% of people know him by name. He's charismatic and makes friends easily when he wants to

Has a bad habit of laughing at jokes for a little too long. Nate has dry humor and when it catches Buck off guard he'll be snickering like half an hour after it dropped. "You're still laughing?" "It was funny!"

He initially gets envious of Nate and Hailey having Yokai watches but when they bring him to get one he's like damn wait these kinda look like ass. He strolls out of the Yopple store whistling and appreciating his necklace tenfold and the others are astonished.

(Whisper, diehard Yopple stan, wants to bite him for a week)

Five Assigned Yokai Partner: Shadow Venoct. Reasoning? Shadow Venoct is my favorite. Buck is my favorite. Plus it's cool like why not. I honestly think Shadow Venoct would meet Buck and they'd just click well because Buck wouldn't shy away from him. Shadow Venoct hangs out with him and Buck doesn't need a medal to summon him (just has to say his name with intent)

Buck has trust issues but they only flare up when new people are entering his circle. When Nate was becoming friends with his friends, Buck instantly got defensive and tried shaking him off. Same thing for Hailey suddenly befriending Nate, which makes Buck initially very standoffish with her. It felt like they were invading his space and he needed to know if they would click well before he started being friendly

Buck also eventually realizes that his family can naturally see Yokai, but he couldn't for some reason. (Or at least his sister Dorothy can). It saddens him deeply but he tries not to dwell on it too much. He's got his lucky UFO stone and that's what matters now

Okay back to fun stuff. HE'S THE MOST INSANE ONE ON ADVENTURES BECAUSE HE WON'T FUCKING SIT DOWN he's constantly on his feet poking around SOMEWHERE. Buck absolutely REFUSES to rest when there is something interesting and exciting he could be doing Nate has to cover him so often

Wishes he had the Yokai Watch Certified Pistol

I am a Nate/Buck yaoi truther (I want what they have so bad) but the comedic appeal of Nate being into his sister is also huge. Buck finds out Nate and Hailey are both vying for Dorothy's attention and proceeds to be a MENACE. Nate gets tossed into the ocean and Hailey has to cope with an anime figure release being pushed back

(Buck asked his parents to pull a few strings and refused to elaborate on when he became "interested in anime stock marketing")

Nate and Buck are absolutely gay for each other though. I don't do ships but it's undeniable it's just a fact. The one of like four ships I DO accept as my own

He constantly switches between calling Yokai 'Yokai' and aliens. It's a hard habit to break okay cut him some slack a burger with hands and legs is NOT a ghost LMFAO

Whisper and Buck sometimes butt heads. Buck will call Whisper out for Googling (YO-GOOGLING?) and Whisper reprimands Buck for doing risky things. Buck has also pulled on Whisper's tuft a few times but come on everyone else absolutely has understand his situation

Buck is effectively Nate's right hand man and vice versa. When Nate can't rely on Jibanyan or Whisper for something, his next stop is Buck

I HOPE THESE WERE FUN HEADCANONS TO READ!!!!!!! It has been a LONG time since I've thought hard on him but GOD I LOVE HIM HE'S THE BEST. THE CHARACTER EVER. Buck Hazeltine is a staple for my favorite characters he's THE face of "green characters that are witty, smile a lot, and five will inevitably love". Ugh he's awesome

And thank YOU for sending me this ask!!!! (I LOVE OPPORTUNITIES TO TALK IT'S MY FAVORITE ACTIVITY)

[tj99er]

I'm sick and tired of social media, but I can't stop myself from logging in to Twitter and looking at toxic discourse. I still don't know what's wrong with me...

When it comes to curbing a social media obsession, will-power alone often isn't enough and there is nothing wrong with you for struggling with that.

As much as I love the internet and the social media found amongst it, most social media websites are intentionally designed to be addictive.

But IMO social media is still worth engaging with as long as the media that keeps you coming back is something that makes you happy.

But with Twitter in particular, I've noticed that, more and more, that is no longer the case. When it reaches that point, you should

0. Identify when it reaches the point of obsession. Of realizing that a hub of your free time has gone from something you enjoy engaging with to one that is involuntarily stealing your attention and making you unhappy.

When you do inevitably notice this, there are a number of steps you should take, either short term just to redirect your focus or long-term if you're committing to a full exitus like I have been.

1. Uninstall the app from your phone. No good can come from having the source of your problems in your pocket and 1 button press away. AT BARE MINIMUM remove the shortcut from your phone's background. It is more confrontational to delegate your primary Twitter access as something you can only see on your main computer.

At least there, any time you spend on Twitter is directly proportional to the time you could spend doing literally anything else. This should automatically make you care less about it since now competes with everything else you could possibly want/need to so and it can no longer permeate the between-spaces of your day as much.

If you're like me and the main reason you keep your Twitter account at all is to keep up with notifications...

1b. Stop ALL forms of non-essential posting INCLUDING RETWEETS of things you like. After being conditioned for years as the guy who retweets every Orin post he sees, this has been a slow unlearning process, but for every single post you make - even if it's just sharing someone else's art - is an open prompt that gives you more reason to return.

Copy a link and share it in a discord server if you MUST, but any time you open the website and see a number next to the notification tab, it is a validation that you have reason to keep coming back.

If limiting it to your main computer isn't enough...

2. Completely log out. You know what's even more confrontational than needing to already be in your recreational space? A big ass screen plastered with the website's branding that requires you to manually enter your information.

If your browser has your login info saved, remove that shit. Your mission is to make signing into your account as inconvenient as possible.

Doing this much has historically been enough to keep me away most of the time, but some people may need to go farther...

3. Change your password. Create a completely incomprehensible and string of characters and store it somewhere inconvenient, but in a place you will never lose it. This is where things can get a bit risky, but if you truly and utterly misplace your password, you got a recovery email and 2FA for a reason.

And if forcing yourself to jump through all of these hoops isn't enough, you may just have to face that it's time to

4. Delete your account. Look, if you are struggling to control yourself to a point where you can STILL notice your usage habits are out of your own control - even after jumping through every single one of these hoops - this is an extreme problem and the time for cautious self-created barriers is probably over.

If you truly and utterly can't fight off the urge to return to a platform that you can confidently recognize as being harmful to your well-being, then the only thing left to do is to give yourself nowhere to return to.

Take a day to archive any personal favorite posts or bookmarks, and wipe the slate clean. Twitter may very well continue existing but you can at least ensure your own space within it does not.

Just as your addiction can be fed by the press of a single button, so too can it be cut off. Social media is given value through the connections you make over it. Although you technically CAN just create a new account, it will never be the same as your old one and that gives way you less to return to.

[man-made-object]

hey dude I found your blog today (not sure why it was recommended to me but here I am)

I dont personally identity with objectum or finding that sort of pleasure from objects, but as I'm exploring the tags im finding myself really curious and I want to understand more. I'm hoping you can answer some questions for me.

the objects you have an attachment to (in your case I think its a keyboard), do you think you're naturally drawn to these objects, or do you think there is a deeper connection with these particular items? Such as a personal history with said item?

Did you "choose them" or did they "choose you", ig?

Do you think its an aesthetic attraction to said objects, or is there something more they bring to you?

How do you and others determine pronouns for the objects?

When did you learn objectum was what you identified with?

I want to be clear this is coming from a place of curiosity and a wish for an understanding! I find myself drawn to certain objects myself (mainly things with physical buttons and screens, particularly handheld devices) but for me its strictly aesthetic and not romantic. Take care and happy holidays ✌️

casually forgets this was sitting in my inbox 😳

my main object isn't a keyboard, it's an astrolite (made by hasbro in 1969), a "futuristic" toy that came with clear pegs that you could put in the holes on top and create a city (main draw). i feel like it's extremely obscure, there's barely any info online about it. the part of aster that i love is basically just a lamp, plug that sucker in (no on/off switch) and spin the wheel to make the pegs on top turn different colors. when i got aster it was just them, no pegs or information or anything. just a serial number on the back. finding that one ebay listing that told me everything i needed to know kinda solidified our relationship. it's definitely a deeper connection but lamps in general just kinda hit different.

i saw them in that store and it was true love at first sight but i'd like to say it goes both ways (has no idea how to explain this)

something about corners and shapes is what initially drew me in but they've been with me through everything ever since i got them. not trauma dumping on side but i've been through it.

i'm not sure how others do it but the way i do it is test pronouns with each object as i'm getting to know them. if it feels wrong i disengage with it, if they feel okay then i keep trying it out. i'm not 100% sure on what aster's pronouns are tbh; they mainly go by he/him but there are some occasions where he goes by they/them. including now.

it's kinda embarrassing to admit but that lamp in dhmis was what got me acting up about objects in the first place. thought it was just a character specific thing at first so i didn't think much of it. met/acquired aster and that completely flipped. i remember searching for stuff like "i love an object what is this called" and quickly came across the term. immediately applied that to myself.

also another thing, i actually have a few beloved objects (not as much as aster but they're pretty important to me): baby, my 2005 ford focus, and charlie, my gaming computer. ofc you probably know this already because i know i posted a list of them somewhere on this blog. but i've kinda been getting into nintendo consoles/controllers recently (corners and shapes <3)

i enjoyed answering these! if there's anything else you'd like to ask, go ahead ☺️ sorry that this took so long tho 😭

[ashmouthbooks]

omg wait are you in denmark??? can I ask where you get your book binding supplies, like the paper for the covers? I immigrated from the US in Sep just as I was getting into the hobby and havent figured out hobby shopping yet

I am not! I live in London, UK, and I get all my supplies from here as after Brexit it's often more hassle than it's worth getting stuff shipped from Europe, and shipping costs from the US are outrageous.

YOU, however, live in a) the EUROPEAN UNION and b) a fairly centrally located country with easy train connections to the rest of Europe. Please enjoy it for as long as it lasts, I miss it every day.

I don't know where to get bookbinding supplies in Denmark as I didn't start this hobby until after I moved to the UK. For general arts & crafts needs I used to go to Søstrene Grene (and last time I was home I stopped by quickly and they haven't changed at all) as they have a wide variety of decorative papers and related items. they tend to be seasonal so check by every few weeks if what they have doesn't appeal. It also has to be said they cater to a very specific target audience so most of the stuff they have is very instagram-friendly and pastel-y, but I've been lucky in the past and have found nice things.

Panduro Hobby is where I would go to get things like cutting mats and sharp knives and adhesive, possibly. they also have random craft tools but I wouldn't trust them to have things like bonefolders in their sortiment. they also have plain coloured paper of the kind that you can usually find in any store that carries stationery, I like to use that kind of paper as endpapers when I just want something plain, but still coloured. they sometimes also have decorative paper.

I have made it a habit here in the UK that whenever I go somewhere that has a gift shop or carries gift-related inventory (museums, art galleries, bookstores, etc.) I check the wrapping paper rack. these places will often have large single sheets of decorative paper meant for wrapping gifts BUT one can usually also use them for cover papers, or even endpapers. they don't always take moisture from adhesives well, so be careful working with those kind of papers, but maaan the variety of random pretty wrapping papers in stores like these is genuinely upsetting to me as I must Restrain Myself, but anyway, go to these places and see what you can find!

back to my point about the EU. I strongly recommend that you look towards Germany and elsewhere in the EU for things you can't find in Denmark, and have it shipped to you. within the EU there's no import/customs tax or anything like that, and I've always found German companies to be reliable and fast. Sweden might be an option too? If you're in Copenhagen Malmø is just 25 minutes away by train and for all I know there could be something there worth visiting. and for Germany, jump on a train in the other direction and make a daytrip out of it. You can get to Hamburg or even Berlin and back in a day.

also, I enjoy Pepin Press papers a lot - here in London I get them from Daunt's Bookshop - Pepin Press is based in Amsterdam but their papers are carried by retailers globally, for more info check https://pepinpress.com/

[nsk96]

Personal rant and maybe some trauma dumping. Saving for later when I see a therapist (I may have to see one in secret because my mom thinks I should wait until I get a job before seeing one because she thinks they’ll have access to my psych info and that will prevent me from getting a job😬)

I went to an appointment with a neurologist yesterday and he was confirming my symptoms and health conditions and all that. Literally going down a list and I answered truthfully to all of them. Then he asked, “any weight gain” (in the past few months) and I said no.

My mom jumped in and said “really?” In a sarcastic condescending tone (right in front of the doctor. I think even he was shocked). I was taken aback but I just repeated my “no” to her nonchalantly. I honestly hate her sometimes. It’s like she can’t go a single day without saying something negative about my body. Even when I brought her constant negativity up to her last year and she promised she would not make any more comments about my body, but she’s been back to it again the past couple of months. And she likes to say “I know you’re sensitive about your body so I try not to say anything.”

1) I haven’t gained weight. I may have been eating junk food (that she bought) for lunch lately but I’ve lost 3 pounds since May and continue to lose weight because I’ve been more careful how and when I eat. Like eating junk for for lunch but eating a balanced breakfast and nothing but veggies/fruit for dinner. She even said in the car ride to the appointment that she gained weight. So projection much?

2) I’m not sensitive about my body. It’s just that because of her, I hated my body for 22 years, and now at the age of 27, I finally am starting to love my body and feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want her to ruin the momentum.

Also just a side note: it’s no surprise that my dad didn’t even care about my reason for seeing a neurologist. When my mom told him that my ophthalmologist referred me to the neurologist, the only thing that came out his mouth was “I hope it doesn’t cost us too much.” Not once did he ask why I was being sent to the neurologist. Never asked what’s wrong.

And then today some more of the things I bought online arrived. I got a mini 8-key kalimba and a Sailor Moon music wind box. My mom of course tried to make it seem like they’re unnecessary and she was like “you’re not even going to use those things, you don’t have the time.” Why she got to shit on my parade? I’m finding things I like and enjoy and using these things pull myself out of the depression I’ve been in (since last December). And musical instruments is somewhat of sore spot for me. Not having the time to learn how to play instruments is not my fault, and it sucks that I always been drawn to it. Since I was 4 I was always dabbling with whatever instrument I could find and didn’t care what my playing sounded like. I just wanted to make music. But my brother was the one who got music lessons (which he hated and never appreciated) and we couldn’t afford any lessons for me. And that sits on my subconscious and resurfaces whenever I see an instrument. I think that’s one of the few things I was envious of my brother for. That along with the social privileges he had for being a son instead of a daughter.

I also find it funny that she acts like she knows what I would use. Lady doesn’t even know I bought toys…the other kind of toys, if you know, you know 👁👄👁

Honestly, it’s shit like all of this (as well as the things I mentioned on other rant posts) that makes me want to get my own place and cut contact once I get a stable pharmacy job. I don’t need my mom instilling her insecurities and outdated views into my future children and I don’t need my dad even being around them.

I wanted to move out this semester without my dad knowing. I would spend my days there and then sleep at home. Use the place to study and store healthy food and be able to personalize the space to finally feel at home somewhere. My school would have given me the loan for rent. My mom talked me out of it saying “let’s save the money. And if your father finds out about you moving out, he’ll cut you off and you’ll no longer be covered under his health insurance. We still depend on him for a lot.” Okay I understand that but I sure hope you don’t use that as an excuse to stay with him after talking big about how you’ll divorce him when I finish school. Honestly I want to get out now, I hate living this way. I hate how hard it is to eat healthy and to have to guard my food. I can never do food prep the night before because of him and my health is suffering because of it. My hair has been falling out even more and I have visible bald spots now. There’s only so much that vitamin supplements can do…

[z-h-i-e]

The difference now is that retail didn’t used to be shit. I went back to my original retail job twice (and both times returned to a promotion). I worked for a ‘mom and pop’ store, literally. We were family there. I went to my boss’ house for Christmas parties. They gave us yearly bonuses based on how well the sales were for the year. When an employee turned 18, they started a retirement plan for them, not because they had to, because it was the right thing. We had bowling parties. They hired a comedy group to come in and perform at the store after hours for the crew one time. Years later, I was in a newspaper and they cut it out and framed it on construction paper with a glitter border and had a cute former employee message with it and hung it in the lobby.

But more than all that, they treated us like people. When I started and they asked what to call me and I said Zhie, no one questioned it. When I had theater and orchestra, I had off Friday nights and weekends. When I started college, they had a party for me and made sure I could attend all my classes. I got a job on campus and left them, but when that job ended six months later they hired me back within two weeks (basically the day they found out I was looking for a job)—as a manager.

And when things went bad, they took care of us. Disrespectful customers were asked not to return. Really bad weather? We were told to use our judgement and close early to get home safe. And so many nice customers. Sure, there were people who were jerknuggets but they were few and tended not to be return customers.

When I go to stores I can’t say I’m always like, ideal customer — typically due to the self checkout kiosks — but I find myself trying to chat and joke with any clerk who says hi. I had a nice chat today with the clerk at Speedway; he’s always saying fun things, so I try to at least say hi and thank you and have a good one if I don’t have time for more talking (tonight we did talk about my un-vacation). I had a problem at the craft store the other day and the clerk had to return and rering the whole order (neither of us noticed it rang through 23 of something I had 2 of until we finished the transaction). As I was joking with her while the manager came up to verify, she said something like ‘you’re just an angel, being so nice, you know that?’ And the thing is, all of us can be that to clerks, even on a shitty day, because I was indeed having a shitty day that day, and I could have been a jerk about the register mistake, but #1 she’s not the person who made the prior shitiness happen and #2 it takes a lot more energy to be an asshole. Far better to laugh about not needing 23 bottles of glitter paint even if the universe thought I did. (It also rang up 4 candy bars instead of 2, but for that I just grabbed two more candy bars—I mean if the universe wants me to buy two more Hershey bars with almonds, who am I to argue?)

Going back to part the first - said store is gone, run out of business by big boxes and the internet. So my last bit is, to keep good little stores in business to be islands of retail paradise, we have to shop at them when we can. It’s why I pick up comics at an independent store instead of getting them ordered from somewhere online or buying digital, and pick up soup and bread and produce at the fruit market that is LGBTQIA friendly and STILL has plexi up to protect their workers, and order Chinese food from the family business down the street instead of a chain store where it’s technically faster and cheaper and has a drive thru. It’s because I want to see these places stick around, I want to see opportunities for people to work at places that are happy and good.

Pulling on the info from the second bit above — I enjoyed working Black Friday when I worked retail. #1 - we didn’t open until noon so that employees could sleep in from Thanksgiving or go out and shop elsewhere.. #2 - we didn’t have special sales. Whatever the normal sales were was it.. #3 - because of #1 & 2 at a time of no internet shopping, we still got tons of happy customers because they had gone elsewhere, elsewhere was out, and we had what they needed.

I wish we had a mindset collectively and an economy that could support more small businesses.

People always gloss over how mentally damaging it can be to work in retail. I fucking hate that whenever I say “I could never work in retail again” someone has to reply “You snowflake millennials can’t take a starter job because you have to INTERACT with other people” No. Fuck you. I’ve worked as a planetarium host. I’ve worked as a public speaker. I’ve worked as a tutor and as a student teacher. I can work with people. I can work with crowds. Retail was fucking different. Retail was being treated as a subhuman. Retail was being treated so poorly that you have anxiety attacks before work. Having to work retail was a factor in my last suicide attempt. If I hear you say one fucking word about retail workers playing the victim I will personally break every bone in your body. Fuck You.

[hangonimevolving]

The Horror Movie - Part 2

I actually am not a fan of horror movies. Just don't love the genre.

But, alas.... this fall, I found myself LIVING OUT a real life horror movie. No, I'm not exaggerating. And I'm gonna be honest here and say that even now, nearly 3 months later, even in my normal day to day life - every so often, I get a flash in my mind, a snapshot back to the horror movie I lived through. Photo snapshots, or short bursts of cinematic video clips, just to remind me that the world is different than it used to be. I am seeing a therapist about this (heh, here it is - I'm just gonna let it all hang out). She says I have PTSD. Like, the real thing, not just using that as a buzzword for being stressed out.

Okay, so what happened. I'm gonna tell you. Note: I am going to copy/paste this narrative from a few places, because I had to recount this story at least 3 dozen times - via text message, WhatsApp, emails, etc. to say nothing of more phone calls than I can count. So, I've written it many, many times and have it availabe to copy/paste. But I'll be adding in some info here wherever I feel is relevant.

My family has endured a living nightmare.  Around 10:30 am on Monday 10/28, my dad stepped out of his house for a morning walk in his neighborhood (normal for him).  But - as of 12:30, he hadn’t returned yet.  Dr. Spouse and I were at the grocery store on a rare/unique day off from work for him - we'd had a pleasant walk in our own neighborhood that morning, and we decided to be organized for once and go grocery shopping together b/c we had discussed some meal planning, and were getting excited about a health kick. I'd finally gotten back into running nearly ever morning for the last 6 weeks, and we were both doing well with diet and exercise.

But then, we get this call while I'm in the produce aisle, and any positivity/optimism - nay, any focus on ourselves - instantly evaporates. My dad only goes walking for about 45 mins usually, so my mom got concerned and called me to see if he’d turned up at my house or something.  Long story short - the day snowballed into a frantic search for him, with me, my mom, and Brijesh driving around our entire town looking for him.  We called the cops and they launched a full-blown Missing Persons protocol, complete with police helicopters, a K-9 unit, and a Drone Search unit, and about 10-20 deputies circulating in/around my parents’ house for most of that 24 hours.  

Note: "snowballing". That's how I summarized it in my emails to people. But here, I'm gonna elaborate. This "day snowballing" thing is a euphemism for an infinite, agonizing string of little heartbreaking and anxiety-flooded moments, each one horrifying in its own right. The first one is my initial reaction to my mom that maybe she was getting worried and worked up for nothing, and wanting to call the cops around 12:00 pm that day - okay, at that point, he had been gone from 10:30-12 noon, but perhaps he was somewhere perfectly okay and safe. At least, that's what I thought. After all, just a month before, he'd had an incident and had said he wouldn't take off on long walks like that anymore. I thought it was premature to call the cops and set into a motion a whole THING. It would leave a record, they'd be on some sort of list for senior citizen welfare checks... I didn't know for sure, but I felt like it would be a big thing and what if it was all for nothing? I wasn't convinced we needed to take that step at that point. But then, the trickle-truth started. She then admitted, they'd had a little tiff that morning and he'd taken off in a bad mood - intentionally. This IRRITATED me to no end. How immature. But, I told her, "give him a chance to make the right decision." Surely he'd learned from the other thing last month? But in the next hour or two, she shared that at home, she'd found his phone, Apple Watch, wallet with ID and all credit cards.... and that in their cash envelope they keep at home, there was only about $120 missing. Now - the light bulb was going on that he had done this intentionally. Alarm bells. It was only at this point that I told her, okay, let's call the police. My logical brain tells me, my initial hesitation to call the police was totally not an under-reaction. I didn't know all the facts initially, and even so - I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, taking his words at face-value that he wouldn't make irrational decisions about exertion. But I was wrong. We initiated the whole police thing around maybe 1:15-1:30, so we lost about an hour or so of time. Would it have made a difference? That's the part I keep circulating around.....

Another pearl in the string of anxiety of that time: Waiting at the bus stop in my car for Dey to come home from school at exactly 2 pm, and suddenly becoming aware of the whirr of helicopter blades high above my head - - throwing open the sunroof of my car to realize there is a police chopper in the sky, looking for MY DAD. Like, what.

(sidetone: it is at this point I'm gonna start peppering my blog post with weird pictures, many of which are screenshots from footage from the dash cam of my car. Weird snapshots that capture the bizarre horror movie that my mind keeps replaying)

Telling Dey to put on his seat belt, because today, instead of going home, we are going for a drive. "To where?!" he asks suspiciously, because this is not the norm for us. I am thinking on my feet, and have no plan - "UHHH, to Starbucks!" I blurt out. What?! I never go to Starbucks. But in that flash of a moment, I think - what if Dad is at Starbucks? We drive to Starbucks, but make a string of ridiculous pit stops and detours on the way, and the entire time I am convinced Dey is suspicious and on to me that something is going on - but my heart is breaking in real time and I don't know how to tell him from the driver's seat of my car that his grandfather is missing and might be dead. So we stop at Walgreens "to look for posterboard" (?!)

and we do a long and asinine "detour" to Starbucks (makes no sense based on the routing) through a nearby neighborhood "to look at Halloween decorations", and all kinds of things.

(Photo of some impressive Halloween decorations that we saw on this random drive. Random photo for this story though? yes. But it's part of the Horror Movie highlight reel that keeps playing in my mind, so I'm sharing it with you, and now you know too.)

We wind up eventually at Starbucks -but then, to my horror, I see that there are no fewer than four police squad cars outside of the Starbucks, and my heart flies into a panic. Have they found him?! Or worse, have they not? And what do I do with this child in my backseat if I'm about to get bad news?!!! I throw the car in park, put on the hazards, and tell him to stay right there because I'm gonna buy him a cake pop (?!) and then I LEAVE MY CHILD IN THE CAR while I run like a maniac into Starbucks, only to find two cops in there but no Dad.

I talk to them for a few moments, tell them who I am ("I'm the daughter of the Missing Person"... and inside, mentally to myself, "Oh my god, I'm the daughter of the Missing Person") and after a few moments hearing their plan, the places they've looked, the places they're gonna look, making sure EVERY single one of them has my personal name and phone number as well as Dr. Spouse's, and AirDropping a more recent photo of my dad to them than the one they have (HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE photo which is at least 10 years old and in which he is at least 30 pounds heavier and has dyed hair) - I get back to my abandoned child with a cake pop. He asks me what has taken so long, and again I'm just paralyzed. And right there, in the Starbucks parking lot, with a raccoon-shaped cake pop in my baby's hand, I have to find the words to tell him that I'm sorry I've been acting weird, and actually, there's something going on today.... and I tell him what has happened. And I cringe. And absurd thoughts fill my mind. Is he traumatized? Is he scared? Have I officially created a core memory for him where forevermore, cake pops will be associated with shock and grief?? It's possible.

(This photo has PRIME REAL ESTATE in the Horror Movie highlight reel. I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Literally within seconds of taking this picture, with my child holding this cake pop in his hand, I break the news to him about his grandpa's situation.... and life would never be the same. Can you hear that cracking sound? That's my heart)

This insertion of material ends with Dey and me driving back from Starbucks to our neighborhood to await Vev's return from school via the school bus, where I decide straightaway to tell him what's going on right there in the car, before weakly handing him his bag with his cake pop. Another child with cake pop trauma. I'm just sick.

*End inserted story, returning more or less to copied/pasted email*

As night fell and went to the wee AM hours and he still hadn’t turned up, we - our whole family - were preparing ourselves for bad news. Don't they always say "if you don't find them in the first 12 hours, the odds of finding them alive go down?" Or is it 24 hours? Or is it "find them during the day, because after night, it gets weird?" See, I don't watch those weird Law & Order/police/crime type dramas, so I don't know these things. Whatever. The point is, once Dr. Spouse got home from work around 5 pm, I was able to leave my house with him watching the kids, and go to my mother's house to be by her side.

I arrive to her home, to find not one, not two, but something like 6-7 squad cars in her driveway and cul-de-sac, and at least 9-10 police officers from various units and specialized departments coming/going.

(*oops, here we go, more inserting of details) Bizarre and irrational thought bubbles into my mind, a thought that makes zero sense under the circumstances - but I think to myself oh geez, they're wearing their boots in and out of the house! We are a shoes-off-in-the-house culture, it just jars me to see this. Of course, then my rational mind interjects: "WHO CARES?! THE FLOOR IS GONNA GET DIRTY, BUT YOUR DAD IS MISSING." Why are you wasting brain-space on the shoes?!" And I instantly feel sheepish, just to myself, in my mind. But then my defiant, defensive, confrontational mind goes "hey! She's only human! She's having natural reaction to seeing something out of the ordinary! Calm the fuck down, let her feel her feels!" I feel crazy. A whole internal conversation in the blink of an eye. We are weird creatures, we humans.

There are three who are standing around my mother as she sits at her breakfast table with her reading glasses on, looking over various forms they have in front of her. One officer, who happens to be a very tall, muscular African American man, is leaning against the table in his tactical vest and boots, with a giant black boxy-looking laptop open in front of him as he is typing a bunch of notes in. Several officers' walkie-talkies keep bleeping and beeping at random. I see two Caucasian or white-presenting Hispanic officers, one male, and one female, walking out of the house back to their cars and driving away - and it catches my eye at the last minute that their tactical vests say "K-9 unit" on them, and their vehicle is a large SUV with "K-9" emblazoned on the side. A late middle-aged short Hispanic officer in my mom's kitchen sees my eyes darting around and nonchalantly says "yeah, they're gonna send the units out right now with the bloodhounds to try and trace his scent. We took your dad's slippers, hope that's ok." My dad's brown, fuzzy bedroom slippers. I think to myself, what if he suddenly shows up at home and is irritated someone took his slippers. Weird thoughts again. Said officer also tells me that there is a Drone Search/Rescue unit in the air at the moment, along with the Helicopter Search Unit, and my irrational mind immediately goes "Wow, Vev would love that!" before my "shut your mouth" mind goes "whaaaat are you saying, this is terrible!" Egads, there's a whole symphony of voices up there.

The minute my mom sees me, she starts crying and I give her a hug - and immediately, I'm happy to be there for her, but I also feel it. The TRANSFER OF POWER. She had been somewhat composed and in problem-solving mode before I had arrived, but now that I'm there, I feel her tacitly hand over the torch of "HANDLING THE SITUATION," and I know that from this moment onwards, its gonna have to be me that is the spokesperson of the family, the one answering questions, the one steering the ship of whatever our next steps are going to be as a family. And, I am ready for it. I was born ready. Its fine. But also, dang.

I settle in a little, and my senses settle down into some sort of calm autopilot. I introduce myself to the officers who make it known to me that they're are from Missing Persons, and they explain what protocols have been set into place, what steps are being taken, and what the plan is going to be overnight to continue search and rescue. I tell them that I'd already seen and met some officers in town who were doing foot patrol, and they are glad to hear it. I share multiple updated pictures of my dad, I take an officer into my dad's closet in his bedroom and show him the type of clothing my dad ordinarily wears. They want to know what shirt that my dad was wearing that morning, and I don't know - and my mom doesn't either, and she's all broken up about the fact that she doesn't know. The officers (with only good intentions) ask me how come they don't have a Ring camera system installed at their house, and I have to sputter an explanation that is at once mindful of protecting my parents' feelings, while also kind of being honest with them about my own frustrations that my parents had vehemently refused my REPEATED ADVICE to do this very thing. I have to control my own frustration while answering questions like this, and its not much fun.

A detective walks me outside to the sidewalk, away from my mother, and it turns out he has to ask me some really sensitive questions and doesn't want my mother to be uncomfortable. I tell him I'm here for it, let's go - I'll answer anything you ask me. I can already tell what this is going to be about, and I am prepared to answer him without any hesitation. He asks me all the things one would wonder about in this situation. Does my father have a drug/alcohol problem? Is it possible he did, and we didn't know? Is it possible my father is having an affair? Is there another secret woman, a secret family, where he has perhaps run off to? A woman or family that would be complicit in letting him hide out there and evade discovery by the cops? Does my father owe anyone money? Is he in debt? Does he have a gambling problem? Is it possible there's someone out there who has a bone to pick with him and is holding him ransom? Does he have any other vices or secrets that would be worth considering as reasons for his disappearance? It's almost a relief to hear these questions and discuss it all with the detective, because the answers are easy. No, none of the above. My dad is a boring, cranky old man who struggles to use even basic technology. He wouldn't know how to find a mistress if a woman appeared in front of him and took his top off. He has zero debts and zero sketchy business deals going on. His problem is he is BORED and frustrated with his life, because inside his mind he feels like a much younger man who is trapped in a frail, aging body, and he's frustrated about it. And of course I feel for him. HOWEVER. He and I have always butted heads, and in recent years I have not been able to help feeling frustrated with him, because he is refusing to age gracefully, and he is taking out his own feelings on my mom and all of us, and it hasn't been much fun. He balked at retirement till it was way past the time to do so, and it got so complicated because he didn't pull the trigger on it at the time that it would have been convenient - instead, he waited till he was recovering from heart surgery, there was a global pandemic and a recession, and the real estate market got complicated. He missed the timing, in my opinion, and made it harder than it had to be. How do I say all this to the officer? DO I say it? My father has one problem, and one problem only. He is angry that he's getting old, and he thinks it's unfair. This is a man who is a doctor, and whose life work has been helping human beings with the natural problems of aging. And yet, he is acting like he thought it wouldn't happen to him. (*and oooh, sidebar - now I've officially devolved into just writing current thoughts and memories, not returning to email. I think I just have too much to say that hasn't been said)

At the precise time where I should be more soft, worried, empathetic and emotional about my family - I am feeling infuriated and my patience has run out. It's occurring to me that my dad has done this intentionally because he's just having a hard time dealing with himself, and I'm just super angry. He's putting us through the wringer because he can't get a handle on his own emotions, and I'm pissed that he's being immature and super unfair to us all. But. I can't say this. I keep it to myself.

By the way - its about 6 pm, now, and I just want to say that all this time, from the very start of like 12:15 pm - I've been in touch with my sister Rithers in Washington DC, and she's been involved in the situation the entire time by phone and text. And she's worried sick. Her husband K is worried sick. Her kids H2O and Nini come to know, and they're worried sick. My mom is worried sick. Dr. Spouse is at Threat Level Nine of anxiety. My kids are worried and also feeling my absence, because I've had to unceremoniously dump them afterschool that day, and it's outside of our norm and it just amplifies the gravity of the situation. They can feel the tension in the air, and it's super uncomfortable. This will get worse as time goes on. LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE THIS IS AFFECTING. I'm just building a dark storm cloud in my mind thinking of it, of all the people affected, and how his unhappiness and rash decision is now pulling so many people into a vortex of despair. And I'm balancing my calm, rational, take-charge and problem-solving personality and calm, problem-solving outer affect, with my inner fury that all of this has been caused by a Man-Baby having a Tantrum.

Anyway. Its about an hour or two of this controlled chaos of cops at my mom's house, before finally, they announce that they're all going to be leaving for the night - that certain departments are going to continue Search/Rescue overnight, but that they themselves would be resuming after sunrise in the morning. My mom and I say goodbye and shut the door, and then suddenly - it's just us. Silence. We don't even know what to say. Eventually she just goes, "let's eat dinner," and we both fix ourselves a bowl of rice and rasam and eat unceremoniously standing at the kitchen counter. I don't know if we even tasted our food. Afterwards, we get in my car, almost without talking about a plan, and start driving around. Just driving around. We go up and down the streets of her neighborhood, then out to the town center, then up/down some of the long suburban boulevards with sidewalks where people sometimes walk. We drive slowly through some strip malls, paying attention to some of the benches and bus stops in case he is resting or has fallen asleep somewhere.

We do the rounds at the three small and normally super-quiet hotels in our town, make inquiries at the concierge desks. Nothing.

We pull up to three separate (LOCKED FOR THE NIGHT) public parks, and I recall my Spartan Race training days and haul my 45-year-old, out of shape ass up and over several metal fences, and jog around in the dark with my iPhone flashlight on, hoping maybe I'll see this guy. No dice.

(I am leaving my elderly mother alone in a double-parked car outside a desolate, dark park each time I do this - which also helps my anxiety TONS. And it helps her anxiety tons to know that her beloved daughter who has left her husband and children at home is now running solo in the pitch-black night in desolate, dark parks. Lucky us.)

We go to a couple of gas stations that are still open, and talk to attendants, show his picture. But its the night shift, and anyone who was working earlier in the day is long gone now, The night shift folks are kind and promise to bring up the issue to their bosses and relief shift folks who come on after sunrise, and we thank them - but we know its all a really long shot at this point.

(Is that a random photo? Yes. Random phone number from one gas attendant, who was trying to be helpful and providing her the number of the station's general manager to see if we could get some security camera footage. Again, random picture. But it lives in my memory of the Horror Movie night, so here it is.)

By the way - I've got to pause and bring up a whole other thing here. We are alone in this. And yet, we are not alone. I don't realize it entirely in the moment, but we are not alone.

There is the Missing Persons report and press release, which begin a life of their own at this point.

I have shared the Missing Persons report and press release with a few WhatsApp groups I belong to. There is a Whatsapp group for fellow people of Indian origin who live in our suburban town, and I share it there. I share it with my mom's subdivision WhatsApp group. I share it on NextDoor. A PTA friend of mine texts me to say hi, unaware of this - and in our conversation, I say "hey, sorry, can't talk much, my family is dealing with an emergency right now," and I copy/paste the link. She flies into a panic - understandably - and asks, hey I know this is really personal and I'm sorry you're going through it, but I want to help, and I know many others do too. Do you mind if I share this? Do you trust me to share this in a way that might help your family? And I think to myself, fuck, what do I have to lose - and I give her the green light. CHIIIIIIILD - does she share it. Does she ever share it. She shares it to our entire PTA board, to the broader chat for important members of our elementary school community, and then she goes and shares it to my older child's middle school chat boards. Within about an hour of my first share - - the press release has now been read by over 6000-7000 people in my community, AT LEAST. And of course from there, likely more - people then shared to their church groups, their kids' scouting and activity groups, to their gyms, to their biking clubs, to EVERYTHING. EVERYONE KNOWS. And it is very, very overwhelming to think of that..... a part of me is cringing and dying.

But, also, a bunch of candles suddenly start flickering in the dark - - and I realize, there are total strangers out there who jump into action to try and help us. A biking club circulates my dad's picture, and every member of this 200+ member biking club is biking around town looking for him. People in my parents' subdivision each get on their Ring cameras, looking for evidence to help us - -AND ONE OF THEM FINDS a video of my dad walking down the street, and we FINALLY SEE THE FUCKING SHIRT HE WAS WEARING. We screenshot and send it to the cops, who are all excited to have a photo.

(Isn't that photo random? Random shirt from the Gap Factory Outlet website. This is the shirt my dad was wearing, that we saw on a neighbor's Ring camera footage, and then looked up on the Gap Factory Outlet website because my mom recognized it as "the shirt I bought him from the Gap Factory Outlet a few months ago!" Random photo. But again, it has a permanent place in the Horror Movie film reel).

THEN. Then, then, then. HERE they come. Here come my people. The ENTIRE board of our school PTA, my new friends, my new partners in crime. Remember the Suck Zone? The tornado that I got sucked into?! The hardest job I've ever worked for no money?! THOSE PEOPLE. The people who have been working it with me. THEY SHOW UP. EN MASSE. It is like an entire Marine Squadron metaphorically assembling on my lawn. They are suited up, in formation, READY. MANY of them - not one, not two - MANY of them - - drop everything they are doing that day, hit the pause buttons on their own lives, their jobs, their families, their kids. They GET IN THEIR CARS, and they start driving around. And they get their SPOUSES to drive around. And two of them call all the others and say "drop your kids off at our houses, we will watch them, and you go drive around, and you find Evolver’s dad." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT. They did this for us. And a tsunami of gratitude just knocks me over, standing there in the kitchen.

One of my best friends - my closest friend in our town, and I'm gonna call her Aunt Lynchpin, b/c her name starts with L and my kids call her Aunt L - has left her husband at home with her two daughters, and is driving around nonstop looking for my dad. She has known what we've been going through the last few years, she knows the whole backstory. And she says "you are going to do WHATEVER you need to do the next few days, and we are here for you. If you call to ask me if I can help you or if you can do X, Y, or Z - I'm going to be upset. CALL ME, or show up here, and just say 'do this.' And we will do it. I am your family." I take her up on this like five thousand times over the next two days.

Last but not least - my two college besties that live out of state, Y-Clef and Bonez - we have been on the horn in our group chat on WhatsApp since long before everything devolved into a tailspin. We are all three navigating the woes of the sandwich generation right now, with aging/infirm parents, and we've been supporting each other through that for a few years now... so they were the first to know, and were a constant source of support via text throughout the day.

Anyway, back to me and mom..... after our rounds, we drive back home around 10-10:30 pm, and we both take showers and get into our pajamas. But then, we walk out to the living room, look at each other silently, and almost without discussion, go back out to the car - - and do it all over again. Driving around aimlessly, without a plan, without leads, just looking out the windows. It's very late at this point and the streets of our sleepy suburban town are empty, with zero cars. I can drive with my high-beams on for most of the time without disturbing anyone else, but it's all to no avail. No sign of my dad.

Around midnight or so, we return home. By my car's odometer, we have logged over 45 miles of driving in about 2 hours, just going back and forth within our own small town. We know we've covered everywhere there is to cover at that point that (we believe) is within walking distance, since we was on foot. Demoralized. We silently head to our beds - my mom to her room, and me in the guest bedroom where my kids frequently spend the night. I don't fall asleep though. I'm texting my sister for awhile, then Dr. Spouse for awhile... and when they both fall asleep, I call around to three or four hospitals in my area, speak to the Emergency Room staff if there have been any John Does, and then I ask to be transferred to the Morgue. No unidentified bodies. Then I spend a few hours online researching funeral homes in my area that offer cremation services. Then I start looking at flight option for my sister to fly in from DC, and for relatives and friends to fly in from New Orleans. I am preparing for a funeral. I am positive this man is dead. I create a OneNote in my phone with a list of family members that we are going to have to notify, and I put stars next to the names of people we are going to have to fly in from New Orleans, from India. I visit the URL's of several Hindu temples from Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, and I jot down email addresses and numbers. I'm going to have to fly in a priest to perform the last rites. Tomorrow is the day that I'm going to get the call that they have found my father's dead body. So I am going to have some basic information and resources at my fingertips so that in the morning, WHEN we have to deal with the next part of this - I am not caught unprepared. I am going to have to drive this bus, I am going to have to steer this ship. So I better be ready. I'm completely in command of my emotions. I don't shed a single tear. I am in battle mode. I know at some point I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, and I see a faint light from my mom's room. I glance in there - she's in her recliner chair, sleeping. She's not in her bed.

I wake up (wake up? Did I sleep?) around 5 am and decide to quietly drive back to my own house, eat breakfast, take a shower, and be a part of my children's morning routine before school. They don't know it, but this is going to be their very last morning of their lives where they believe their grandfather is alive. I should be there.

Social media has blown up overnight. WhatsApp has blown up overnight. My voicemail starts blowing up before sunrise. Hundreds of people are DMing me saying "I think I saw a guy here! I think I saw a guy there!" and 100% of it is not fruitful. Most people mean well and are trying to be supportive, but it is all taking time and energy to deal with. I am filled with a sense of dread. I author 3-4 boilerplate responses and save them on my phone, and I start copying/pasting.

Also, the police reports have gone out to all local news outlets. Again, overnight, the links have been shared across social media. Our entire community is going to know about this by 7 am, and their friends are likely going to know at school. I fire off emails to the kids' teachers, principals, and school counselors to give them the information, and I write a heartfelt, desperate paragraph at the end of each asking them to please help me shelter my children from unkind comments or any breaking news of gruesome discoveries. I haven't been emotional about anything for nearly 24 hours now, but if anything gets to me a little, it's this moment. I need help to protect my kids from what we are going to find out today, and I need to beg the help of strangers with this.

BAM. IMMEDIATELY. A phalanx of people from Dey's elementary school assemble and report for duty. It shocks and overwhelms me at their individual, and yet coordinated, responses. Dey's teacher is PHENOMENAL. She calls me, ON THE PHONE, like a human being. We talk. She is besides herself, but then at the same time, ANOTHER PERSON STEERING THE SHIP, and I am sooooo grateful to have another set of hands holding the wheel. I have 100% that she is going to Mama Bear RAGE-defend my child from any and all scariness and negativity. Then elementary school vice-principal and counselor call me on speaker. They are a FORTRESS. They all metaphorically link arms, mount up, and tell me that they are enveloping Dey with an invisible shield of love and protection, and that they've got our backs. I am verklempt for the first time.

As for Vev's school community - his principal, his school counselor, his two most trusted teachers in middle school that I've reached out to. Do I hear anything? ..... Alas. I don't. And, of course my rational brain understands. This is all relatively breaking news, and I can't expect people to drop everything and immediately come running for me. But, I confess the Mommy Heart And Mind are a little anxious, and disappointed. I would have hoped to have heard from someone, ANYONE, that they'd gotten my message and would at least give a nod of assent that they'd do whatever little thing they could to help my kid. But - my kid is not at a warm, fuzzy elementary school anymore. He's in the Lion's Den of Middle School. Aside from it being middle school, with all the coordinating social intricacies and pressures - it is also HUGE! Over 2200 students. I think it's just a lot to navigate at every level. I am worried... and apparently, to my even greater heartache, Vev is too. He has social awareness, and he's not a baby anymore. He's very in tune with his family and friend group dynamics, and he's growing up fast - he can read between lines, and he can read silences. He's been observing the events of the last day, and I KNOW he's definitely connected plenty of dots along the way.

Over breakfast, Vev quietly asks me, "are there going to be paparazzi at my school?"

......... (heart breaking emoji)

I hug him tight, and take a moment to find some words. My head is swirling. I can't even imagine how he feels. Middle school is medieval enough without having to juggle the sickness of worrying if your grandfather is alive and well, the sympathy you're feeling towards your own parents and grandma for their anxiety, plus the social anxiety of worrying if you're friends are gonna talk about this issue to you, gossip about this, tease you about it, or if you're going to forever be branded "that kid whose grandpa went missing." Jesus. I spin for a few seconds.

Then, I woman up, and have a mom-conversation with my firstborn son, where I coach him on some responses he can say, some actions he can take. I tell him that this whole experience isn't just about his grandpa - that its an experience we are all going through, and we all have the right to feel our own feelings about it, and do whatever we want to help ourselves through it. I tell him he's allowed to say whatever he wants to say in response to people - - or, he's allowed to say nothing at all if he doesn't want to talk about it. I tell him that it is perfectly okay to tell people "Thanks for your concern, but honestly I don't wanna talk about it." That's allowed. And lastly, I say that if anything gets to be too much today, TURN YOUR WATCH ON (I don't even care if it's not allowed) and call me or daddy immediately. I will pick you up.

Not much else to do after that. I had told BOTH kids before school that day that if something happened and we had an update on their grandpa, that I might get busy that day and we'd all need to adjust as a family - so to be prepared that their Aunt Lynchpin (my close friend that I mentioned above, might be picking them up from school today and having them hang out with her till I-don't-know-when. They are agreeable to this.

It's about 5 minutes before Vev has to be dropped at his school bus that it happens. So to my relief in some ways, he got to be present for this next moment that happened. He got to take off for school that day with at least some solace and answers. My phone rings - and it is my mom. She is gushing a mile a minute. Around 8:30 am that morning, on Tuesday, October 27th, my mom gets a call from a strange number.  OMG, it was him. It was my dad.  

To be continued.

[fastlanehqs]

WELCOME TO MIDWAY, DUDE. Take a look our checklist for a few little deets before we get started.

OOC INFO

Alias: Bowie

Age: 25

Pronouns: He/Him

Timezone: Pacific rn. 

Triggers: [REDACTED]

What made you want to join? I like to torture myself < 3

If you aren’t chosen for your first skeleton choice, what are your second and third choices? [REDACTED]

Anything else? Era appropriate song: Shirley Bassey, Killing Me Softly With His Song (1973). I realize this rp is set in 1971 so you can shoot me for that (affectionately). 

Pinterest: https://pin.it/4uuWe6WAR

IC BLURB

[ASHLEY MOORE, CIS WOMAN, SHE/HER] Well, well, well, [PAULINE “POLLY” JOHNSON], after that stunt you and your friends pulled, half of town didn’t think you’d make it to graduation! Let alone turning [18]. You’re getting a reputation as [MISS AMERICA] you know, it’s all the talk around [MIDWAY AND, MORE NOTABLY, SALLY’S COSMETICS STORE!] Nevertheless, Principal Grauss announced your postgrad plans to [STUDY EDUCATION AT GEORGIA STATE UNIVERSITY OR … DITCH THAT PLAN ALTOGETHER FOR THE OBVIOUS PATH] when you walked across that stage and got that diploma. Folks around Midway will always remember you as [CONFIDENT + AMBITIOUS] and [CONTROLLING + VINDICTIVE].

WRITING SAMPLE PROMPT #2 (The Most Recent Prom)

Note: I inserted other characters just to play around with the world. 

Polly descended the makeshift stage carefully, holding the hem of her baby blue dress so as to avoid trampling on it underfoot. The fabric shimmered with every step she took, sequins catching strays of an obnoxiously large disco ball to create a dazzling display of turquoise. Her boyfriend, [Terry Bradshaw], was nowhere near her side in the post-crowning glow. She couldn’t even stand to look back at him, focusing only on the roar of his football buddies somewhere deep in the crowd. Their howling overshadowed gentle clapping and the live band that picked up from where they left off before the announcement. Irritation that had been sitting in her chest since the moment her boyfriend rolled into her cul-de-sac intensified. Polly didn’t even need to glance back to know that Terry was probably taking in the moment on stage. Pumping his fist in the air or showing off the crown in some other obnoxious display of muscles. If it weren’t for the bickering after Terry picked her up with a disgustingly pink corsage, maybe Polly would have dared to share the limelight with him … Give the crowd an encore with a wistful kiss to hum and haw over. Create a great visual of Midway’s most beloved couple to kickstart the summer … but the only thing on Polly’s mind at this moment was Terry’s stupid grin as he showed up to her house 20 minutes early. His clammy hand groping her waist for a picture …  The way his choice of a pink corsage clashed against her entire outfit … Normally she could compartmentalize the annoyance and stand by his side but tonight was her night. The night of all nights. She needed air. Pronto. 

Polly flounced forward with only one destination in mind. Anywhere but this unrecognizable gymnasium draped in twinkling lights. Streamers hung from the rafters, cascading gentle waterfalls of glitter atop the heads of hair sprayed updos and slicked back mullets. Equally nauseating was the heaviness of B.O. overlaid by layers of cheap cologne. It mingled with freshly cut flowers that adorned every table to create something entirely vile. Polly’s smile grew tighter with every “thank you” muttered in response to congratulations from classmates, desperation at the forefront of her thoughts as she hunted for an exit sign. A second of fresh air to recenter her thoughts and adjust the crown that was definitely messing with her hair. She strutted the perimeter of the gymnasium until her eyes caught a shadowy corner where [The Dirtbag] stood. He was, for a lack of better words, a murky glass of water in a drought. The thought alone was vomit inducing. Polly approached quickly, a vein soon about to pop in her forehead. 

“Well, well, well …” [The Dirtbag] drawled, smirk widening as she got closer. “Should I be saying congratulations or are you-” 

“Shut up.” Polly snapped. The edge in her voice was real, not half-hearted with amusement as usual. No eye roll, either. She moved closer to where he leaned against the wall, arms now crossed against her chest, inching forward to avoid eavesdroppers. “Is there a cigarette somewhere in that moldy suit?”

The Dirtbag’s smirk faltered. He reached into his suit for his pack of Wintsons, wordlessly offering a stick to her. Polly unfurled an arm to snatch it, throat tightening as she swallowed away a thanks. The best she could muster was a pursed smile, straightening her shoulders to pivot towards an exit sign. The promise of cool concrete ahead. Unbeknownst to Miss America, the entire trajectory of Polly’s night was about to change with the turn of her shoulder. She glanced back at [The Dirtbag], not bothering to meet his gaze in her periphery. Radiating indifference. 

“I’ll be needing a lighter too.” 

Provided that [The Dirtbag] wasn’t already wasted on shitty punch, he’d understand it was an invitation. 

[marvellousstawler]

Mon 16 Oct 2023

The busiest week of my entire year (work-wise) just concluded, so, cut me a break, Present Marvo. I haven't even opened my PAX-haul.

Art *cricket noises*... Apparently due to a migraine-addled nostalgia nosedive into Yu-Gi-Oh! YouTube I have learned that I've been Mai Valentine kin-assigned since age eight and cannot divest myself of the need to draw fanart of her. So I guess I'll add that to somewhere on this too-long, unmoving list of incomplete art pieces.

Writing This week I had maybe the worst idea for a 'story' ever conceived, and somehow, against all odds, it already has three 'chapters.' You may remember from last week that I mentioned I play D&D, in 2 campaigns. One of those campaigns is on hiatus, during which time I have, completely against my own wishes, become obsessed with my own bard. To offset this bardless existence I now endure (rather than write the much more useful faction-guide from her perspective), I decided to interview her. Thrice. Writing on my phone in a three-day-long hyperfocused stupor on lunchbreaks, commutes and in waiting rooms. The worst thing about it is that the unfolding dynamic between the interviewee and her interviewer (which, I'll remind you, is literally myself) is genuinely compelling (at least to me) and I'm honestly unsettled by the blatant egotism of that. I wanted to avoid becoming the kind of author who is THAT obvious with their self-inserts in a fictional context, but honestly, it was inevitable. And hey, it's better than no writing. Not that I need've worried, because it turned out through some miracle that I actually did have enough energy to add to TDD's opening act outline AND refine its magic system a little. So, wow? Go me? Don't know how you did that considering how many early crashes you've had this week but, Kudos, Past Self. (Ugh, see? Egotism inevitable. Guess I'm not much of an...elegant egotist? Eh? Ehhhh? Because Mai from YGO, she uses that, that card in the...Anyone? Nah, me neither).

Reading *tumbleweed bounces feebly across an empty highway*... Just this evening I went to a comic store to try and sell some old stuff that's no longer to my taste, only to learn that they don't take single issues. So I thought I might give them to any unhoused people I meet who might want one, just to break up their day and give them something different to read. Like, they're good comics, they're mostly DC, they're just a bit frayed and also not my thing. If I get no takers, I'll put them in one of those street libraries where you can take so long as you give; not enough libraries in general stock comics anyway. Also, while I was at the store I picked up a brochure for a cool scavenger hunt for street art comic panels around Melbourne laneways. It's basically the most Melbourne thing ever, only thing that could make it more so is if some of the panels turn out to feature coffee and/or jazz. Also I learned there are more comic stores in this city than I thought. Apparently if you complete the scavenger hunt you can get free comics at the partner locations, but I'm just keen to meander around Melbourne to look for art, honestly. If you're in Melbourne and you want to take part, you can pick up one of the brochures at most comic stores in the CBD, and scan the QR for more info.

[kendev]

⋆｡°✩ dev log 03 ✩°｡⋆

updates and general rambling under the cut!-

ok. havent updated in a bit but talking to myself. yeah. im very good at that. reminder that there's no rush to progress and things take time first of all Carly!

but anyways. first!) i've gotten a lot more character designs and motivations fleshed out but i can admit some routes definitely have a bit more poored into them than others atm and thats something im trying to fix. not force. just... add a lil something more yknow. bcuz there ARE many pieces of media like that where you can tell that a creator just had more care for one thing than the other and I dont at any point want to come across that way bcuz i do genuinely love all these characters, and I think they each deserve to be enjoyed and loved by someone that isnt just me! so I want other ppl to feel the love as well through ALL routes! not just a "Oh you can tell these handful of characters are the creators faves" So essentially not favoring certain kids over others like good parents would lol

secondly) I've started properly separating routes in different documents... lol. I'll be honest I had EVERYTHING. and i mean EVERYTHING all stored in one document. Names, notes on things, character bgs, clothing inspo AND the actual routes all on one big document. at some point i was like ok there needs to be some separation here. OBVIOUSLY. so I did that, and now i'll be able to actually say like "Oh Reapers Route is now currently at _thousand words making good progress there :)"

but yeah. theyre separated by:- -a document just for writing tips/advice/things to remember -a document just for character profiles (what they like, family bg, info like that etc etc.) -a document just for route plans. like an outline ig. briefly with notes like ok I want X character to have X arc, and X happens and progresses enough until they get to X -separate routes for each character in a diff document -and then just a main document to fall back on and compare notes or there's a few extra things there. like for example, im still not sure on some names. In this doc there's a section just for me to look at a long list of names i've saved to mull on later. :)

it's kind of still. a lot. but ideally more organize,, for me at least

third) lost contact with that one project manager i'd gotten </3 I still have their info yeah but ig due to the fact that there's not much I've given them info wise theyve left me to my own devices (which makes sense(?). but thats fine. I may reach out again when things are a little more fleshed out i suppose. I definitely do run off of compliments and people expectations unfortunately, so having ppl interested and asking things is what keeps me working. im not as much of a 'do it yourself for yourself satisfaction person anymore, I need outside sources to drive me so that I can feel like I'm actually leaving a proper mark on something

WHICH. I know is not good, but that's been my process while working on the game and most things. -I share a little tidbit (but not too much with friends or mutuals. -They express interest or tell me abt which characters they feel drawn too -I feel good and want to keep working harder! its like that and lastly) concerning things going on with the relationship between creators and other ppls entitlement to their OCs (which i will not name directly), that is something ive talked abt in depth in private but I would like to at least put this down somewhere one day in case anyone finds it. Please do not treat my OCs like they are yours. its much different as a small indie creator to have characters than to claim a character from a big company game or series is your OC. I'd feel so bad if people overlooked what I say and cross boundaries

[isherloathemyself]

Movie List

Seen ☼ Own ☽

Leonardo Whilhelm DiCaprio

Critters 3 (1991) ��� This Boy’s Life (1993) ☼☽ What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1993) ☼ The Foot Shooting Party, short film (1994) The Quick and the Dead (1995) ☼☽ The Basketball Diaries (1995) Total Eclipse (1995) ☼☽ Romeo + Juliet (1996) ☼ Marvin’s Room (1996) ☼☽ Titanic (1997) ☼ The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) Celebrity (1998) ☼☽ The Beach (2000) Don’s Plum (2001) ☼☽ Catch Me If You Can (2002) ☼☽ Gangs of New York (2002) The Aviator (2004) ☼☽ The Departed (2006) ☼ Blood Diamond (2006) ☼ Body of Lies (2008) ☼☽ Revolutionary Road (2008) ☼ Shutter Island (2010) ☼☽ Inception (2010) ☼☽ J. Edgar (2011) ☼☽ Django Unchained (2012) ☼☽ The Great Gatsby (2013) ☼☽ The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) ☼ The Audition, short film (2015) ☼☽ The Revenant (2015) ☼☽ Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019)

Heath Andrew Ledger

Clowning Around (1995) Blackrock (1997) Paws (1997) ☼☽ 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) ☼☽ Two Hands (1999) The Patriot (2000) ☼☽ A Knight’s Tale (2001) ☽ Monster’s Ball (2001) The Four Feathers (2002) ☼☽ Ned Kelly (2003) The Order (2003) ☼ Lords of Dogtown (2005) ☼ The Brothers Grimm (2005) ☼☽ Brokeback Mountain (2005) ☼☽ Casanova (2005) Candy (2006) I’m Not There (2007) ☼☽ The Dark Knight (2008) The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009) ☼☽ I Am Heath Ledger (2017)

Joaquin Rafael Phoenix

Kids Don’t Tell (1985) Spacecamp (1986) ☼ Russkies (1987) Parenthood (1989) ☽ To Die For (1995) Inventing the Abbotts (1997) ☼ U Turn (1997) Return to Paradise (1998) Clay Pigeons (1998) ☼☽ 8mm (1999) The Yards (2000) ☽ Gladiator (2000) ☽ Quills (2000) ☽ Buffalo Soldiers (2001) ☼ Signs (2002) It’s All About Love (2003) ☼ Brother Bear (2003) ☼ The Village (2004) ☽ Hotel Rwanda (2004) ☼☽ Ladder 49 (2004) ☼☽ Walk the Line (2005) We Own the Night (2007) ☼ Reservation Road (2007) Two Lovers (2008) ☼ I’m Still Here (2010) ☼ The Master (2011) ☼ The Immigrant (2013) ☼☽ Her (2013) ☽ Inherent Vice (2014) ☼☽ Irrational Man (2015) ☼ You Were Never Really Here (2017) ☼☽ Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot (2018) ☼ Mary Magdalene (2018) ☼☽ The Sisters Brothers (2018) ☼ Lou, short film (2018) ☼☽ Joker (2019)

Jennifer Shrader Lawrence

Garden Party (2008) The Poker House (2008) The Burning Pain (2008) Winter’s Bone (2010) Like Crazy (2011) ☼ The Beaver (2011) ☼☽ X-Men: First Class (2011) ☼☽ The Hunger Games (2012) ☼☽ Silver Linings Playbook (2012) ☼ House at the End of the Street (2012) The Devil You Know (2013) ☼☽ The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013) ☼☽ American Hustle (2013) ☼☽ X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) ☼☽ Serena (2014) ☼☽ The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) ☼☽ The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 (2015) ☽ Joy (2015) ☼☽ X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) ☼☽ Passengers (2016) ☼☽ Mother! (2017) ☼☽ Red Sparrow (2018) ☼☽ X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

Chris Hemsworth

Star Trek (2009) A Perfect Getaway (2009) Ca$h (2010) ☼☽ Thor (2011) ☼☽ The Avengers (2012) ☼ The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) ☼ Red Dawn (2012) Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) Rush (2013) ☼☽ Thor: The Dark World (2013) ☽ Blackhat (2015) ☼☽ Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) Vacation (2015) In the Heart of the Sea (2015) The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016) ☼☽ Ghostbusters (2016) ☼☽ Doctor Strange, post-credit scene (2016) ☼☽ Thor: Ragnarok (2017) ☽ 12 Strong (2018) ☼☽ Avengers: Infinity War (2018) ☼ Bad Times at the El Royale (2018) ☼☽ Avengers: Endgame (2019) ☼☽ Men In Black: International (2019) ☼ Extraction (2020)

Margot Elise Robbie

Vigilante (2008) ICU (2009) About Time (2013) ☼☽ The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) Focus (2015) Suite Française (2015) Z for Zachariah (2015) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016) The Legend of Tarzan (2016) ☼☽ Suicide Squad (2016) ☼☽ I, Tonya (2017) Goodbye Christopher Robbin (2017) ☽ Peter Rabbit (2018) ☽ Flopsy Turvy, short film (2018) Terminal (2018) Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018) ☽ Mary Queen of Scots (2018) Dreamland (2018) ☼☽ Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019) ☽ Bombshell (2019) ☼ Birds of Prey: and the Fantabulous Emancipation of one Harley Quinn (2020)

Taika Waititi

Scarfies (1999) Snakeskin (2001) A New Way Home, short film (2001) Turangawaewae, short film (2002) Henious Crime, short film (2004) Toy Boy, short film (2004) ☼ What We Do in the Shadows: Interviews with Some Vampires, short film (2005) Falling Leaves, short film (2005) Eagle vs Shark (2007) Boy (2010) ☼ Green Lantern (2011) The Captain, short film (2013) ☼☽ What We Do in the Shadows (2014) Hunt for the Wilderpeople (2016) ☼☽ Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Seven Stages to Achieve Eternal Bliss by Passing Through the Gateway Chosen by the Holy Storsh (2018) ☼☽ Avengers: Endgame (2019) ☼☽ Jojo Rabbit (2019)