#Jesper started rambling so Wylan just kissed him

[jazzkrebber]

Jesper: nice, Wylan! high five!

Wylan: 'high fives'

Wylan: 'intertwines fingers'

Jesper: what-

Wylan: I love you

[swanimagines]

SAIL TO ME | WYLAN VAN ECK

Summary: After you accidentally kiss Wylan, Jesper needs to make you believe that maybe it wasn't as embarrassing as you thought it was.

The meeting room was quiet, as the seven of you were looking over the upcoming plan - Kaz had just told your assignments, your job being fetching some stuff from the market. So now you were hunched over the corner table, writing down notes for your pre-heist shopping trip.

You put the quill away, pouring some sand over the paper and then picked it up, reading it over one last time. You turned around abruptly, not knowing Wylan was right behind you peering over your shoulder - and somehow, your lips met his as soon as you collided with him. You retreated right away of course - well, after a second or two because you were shocked - and caught a glimpse of Wylan’s face turning redder than Nina’s robe before he quickly turned away, and you swallowed, trying to play it off, clearing your throat and waving your shopping list towards Kaz.

“Okay, um… so we’ll go fetch some iron fake coins with Jesper. And a lock. Got it.”

“Fake copper coins. And not real copper, it’s too expensive, this will be a distraction and not a charity. Didn’t you pay attention?” Kaz retorted with a sigh, and you nodded, muttering a confirmation before making your way to the door before anyone else could say anything.

Jesper had to run for a few steps to catch you, and started to grin at you immediately when he fell into step with you. You endured it for a good five minutes, but when he wouldn’t stop, you groaned, stopping and facing the sharpshooter. “What?”

Jesper laughed. “You kissed the merchling,” he sang.

“No, I did not!” you exclaimed, maybe a little too loudly.

“And got flustered about it.”

“No I didn’t, stop it.”

Jesper shrugged. “Okay, why were you so close, staying still, after you turned?”

“Why does it even matter?” you retorted, then sighed. “We got spooked. Wylan was right behind me, and I didn’t notice him. I turned and Wylan didn’t have time to react, and… in the process our lips may have touched. I’m not sure though, it was over so quickly.”

Jesper snorted, looking at the grey sky for a moment before shifting his eyes at you again. “And you’re saying you didn’t enjoy it?”

“No…” you mumbled, shifting weight between your feet. “Well, a little.”

Jesper raised his eyebrows. “A little?”

You groaned. “Okay! Quite a lot. But I know he doesn’t like me back, it’s stupid to like him.”

Jesper huffed. “Not so sure about that. His behavior changes a lot whenever you’re around.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, he’s shy. Maybe I’m intimidating him,” you replied with a shrug.

Jesper chuckled, shaking his head. “No, I’m pretty sure I recognise lovey-dovey expressions when I see them. I’m the master of romance, after all.”

You rubbed your forehead in frustration, giving in. “Okay, I’ll talk to him. Later. Not now, we have shopping to do.”

“Yes! Finally. Nina owes me,” Jesper cheered and you laid a puzzled look on him, and Jesper grimaced. “Uh, we might have bet on which of us gets the ship sailing.”

You groaned, rolling your eyes. “Charming. I’m flattered, truly.”

Then, you continued walking, quicker this time, and Jesper had to take a few running steps once again. You spent the rest of the shopping trip almost completely silent, letting Jesper ramble about his own love adventures, and now a small flame of hope was igniting your insides. You were nervous to talk to Wylan, but you also were excited for it - maybe it would lead to something you had dreamed about for a while.

---

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[thevashta-narada]

okay I can finally think vaguely coherent thoughts about it now that my brain has started working properly again (this is still very jumbled but I just wanted to get all my thoughts about it down) but the deleted wesper scene is so fucking important to me. the domestic wesper that we deserved and the way that it reflects what happens at the end of crooked kingdomis just amazing.

wylan feeling comfortable enough to tell jesper that he never felt like Ketterdam was really his home but now he was beginning to. albeit not directly but he implies it. and then also the confidence that he had talking about his demolitions expertise now shows how much he grew and how jesper makes him feel loved and amazing.

and jesper hearing wylan say this and immediately wanting to let wylan know that he is loved here and that he wants him to feel at home (cos my boy is so in love) and deciding to turn a coin into a key for the room (I saw someone write a post about how it was a coin - his ability to gamble - that he chose to use which was amazing but I can't remember who it was sorry) and then is very nervous about it and stands up when wylan guesses wrong and is a little awkward trying to ask wylan to move in.

and then when wylan realises what jesper means when he says the key is for this room and his eyes go wide and he seems so shocked that jesper would actually want that for a brief moment and then he says it's the nicest thing and jesper sort of warily asks if it's a yes and wylan gets up and moves towards jesper in the same way he rushed to jesper in their first kiss to reassure him but stops and let's jesper come towards him.

and jesper is suddenly very wary and says that sounds very official but he is just sort of rambling because he is concerned about what that means for the two of them and wants wylan to feel loved so desperately but doesn't really have the experience to know exactly what to do in this kind of relationship because he is not used to them and doesn't want to rush or mess up

but wylan wants to reassure jesper that he is happy and saying yes so he just cuts jesper off by kissing him and they both immediately just melt into the kiss because they are exactly what the other needs.

wylan is the exitment and the peace that jesper needs he is jespers balance and gives him the confidence to use his grisha powers and reassures jesper

and jesper is the unconditional love that wylan needs and he shows wylan kindness and love through every action and tries his best to show that he is wanted and loved

and them being so domestic is just so beautiful and everything I needed in my life and this deleted scene was just so so so perfect I could literally think about it forever.

[at1nys-blog]

Freedom pt.2

Pt.1

Pairing: Crows x fem!reader

Summary: New life, new name, new family. This is what your life was going to be.

Masterlist

tag: @queenofshinigamis

Faking your death wasn't as easy nor painless as Kaz Brekker made it to seem, but you trusted him, and you just went along with the plan.

The plan was easy: they would drench you in water; put some make up on you and Nina would make your heart stop for enought time for the doctors to conclude you were dead and that nothing was to be done to bring you back and least but not last the Crows where to exhume you.

It took them longer than anticipated but at the end you were out and surrended by the Crows.

"Now the only think that I need is to become unrecognizable. A Tailor I need one." you were about to walk out the graveyard when Kaz stopped you.

"Where are you going like this? Here." he said trowing a hoodded cape at you. "follow me." you walked opposite to the Katterdam, Wylan started rambling about the pox and some other historical facts you, and maybe no one else, cared to know about. At least not in that moment.

Kaz made Jesper open up an entrance to some sort of chapel, you didn't care much, the only thing that matter was living your life feeling free and doing what you liked the most.

Sleep was not coming to you, but at least you weren't alone. The same went for Kaz. The man was in his little bubble thinking only the Saints knew what. You pondered if it was a good idea to strike a conversation with him. No, let the man alone, he is going through so much just for you, it was what your thoughts kept telling you.

"Can't sleep?" you nodded your head.

"I'm just not used to..." you looked at the ground. "sleeping on concrete. I never had to before." Kaz smiled, for just a brief second but you noticed. "Yes, yes I know what I told you, but just because I'm not used it doesn't mean I'm never going to get used to it."

"whatever makes you sleep at night, your highness" he joked, making you roll your eyes. "Jesper and Inej will miss you" he added, tone once again stoic as his usual. "I know is been just a month but they grew fond of you." a pause. "and so did I." he said not looking at you.

"Same goes for me, but we all knew today was coming. I can't stay in Katterdam any longer. If my father's..." he stopped you, asking you to not even think about it. You were dead now and he saw it, there was no reason for him to search for you.

"You can always say you are not her, if asked." you never thought Kaz Brekker would go an extra mile for someone he had meet just a month ago, but here he was, trying to figure out a way for you to stay.

"Kaz, I'm very sorry for everything that happened in this past month because of me, but you were my only hope to escape the hell that was home." you didn't mean to out your abusive father, but there you were. Telling him the secrets you were too scared to share with anyone, feeling finally free from all the horrors you had to endure for the simple facts that you were born a girl. "he is going to pay."

"Is not worth it. I think you saw him acting like a caring father, sad about his little girl that is now with the Saints." you kissed your thumb and bringing it to your forehead, eyes closed a pray wishpered in the dark. "he always hated the sight of me. I made him and myslef a favour, now I'm in debt with you Kaz Brekker, for saving me." another small smile adorned his features, this time it was on display much longer.

"Now try to sleep. You need it."

It was after a couple of days that Nina came back, followed by a girl. She was a Grisha, one that could help you escape Katterdam without drawing too much attention to you.

"A tailor. I found her at the market. Kaz I promised she is to be payed good for her services and her silence." Nina left the girl inside the little chapel and went back out.

"You are Pekka's daughter? I thought you were dead. The news is all over the walls of Katterdam." she said looking at you up and down. You gave her a little smile, hoping she wasn't to out you to the Stadwatch or your father directly. "Don't worry, I won't say a world to him" she said rolling up the sleeve of her shirt showing you a bunch of bruises all over her arm.

"Oh he likes to hit on ladies now? New hobby of his?" said Jesper noticing the condition of her arms, imagining the rest of her body was filled with purple and green signs. You apologized for your father's wrong doings but is not like he meant those words you spoke and you knew it. You and him were two completely different people.

The Grisha in front of you started to move her hands like if they were dancing with each other, rays of color moved in the air between the two of you, sparks adding a sense of magic and mystic to the experience. You started to feel your flesh morphing under her spell and you imagined your face changing shape onto her magic. Some seconds were needded before Jesper handed you a tiny mirror and you noticed how different you looked now.

"is temporary rember this. I suggest you to leave now, and for my payment... Just for the service, I would not out you." she said and turned to Kaz, hands in a cup form waiting to receive her kruge. The man rolled his eyes but payed her non the less.

The port was calm and not as busy as in the morning. The fishermen were getting ready to leave in the early morning, but Kaz did not stop there. He walked until he stopped infront of a boat of a privateer. At its front two people, siblings you noticed.

"Where is Sturmhond?"

"Inside." said the woman and she walked in, you thought to call whoever that Sturmhond was.

"Is she the girl Nina talked us about?" was the man turn to speak. Kaz nodded. "Great. We are leaving anytime soon so say goodbye to your friend and on we go." he added, he too walking back on the boat.

"Take care of yourself." was the only think Kaz said to you

"I'll pray the Saints to keep you safe at all times and remeber, no mourners..."

"No funerals" you ended the phrase with her. "Take care of Kaz for me too, and tell him before is too late, promise me Inej you would tell him" you said.

"Oh come on now, is my turn to say bye" said joyfully Jesper hugging you and spooning you around. You giggled and when your feet touched land you asked Jesper to keep being like this, no matter what.

"One more think Jesper, do not hide your true self. Not anymore." he gave you a shy smile and then moved closer to Inej. You thanked Nina for the big help and wished for her to be reunited with her man, then it was time to say goodbye to Wylan.

"You left me for last" he joked.

"The best is always left for last. Take care of yourself and keep Jesper in his place from time to time" you hugged him as strong as you were able to. Before you could add something Kaz was talking to someone behinde you.

"keep her safe, if something has to happen to her you know I'll find out Sturmhond."

"Geez man, I haven't even spoke a world and you attack me like this. Do not fear I'll protect her, well actually Tolyan and Tamar will."

"WHEN DID I AGREE ON THAT?" he said surprised to hear his captain's words. His reaction made you laugh a little getting the man's attention. "why are you laughing uh?" You turned to Kaz and the rest of your new friends, that you were already leaving behind.

"I will write to you as much as possible so keep an eye to the mails. Now go, you guys need some good rest." to this Sturmhond accompanied on his boat and you gave a last wave before sailing to Saints knew where.

"Inej, would you pray the Saints to protect her for me too?" the Wraith didn't say a world, just prayed for him too with a little smile. Maybe she had a change at the end, maybe she had to wait for him to break out his shell but a change whatsover.

[jazzythursday]

Careless (667 words)

He’d gotten careless.

It was a simple mistake, but a careless one all the same. He’d gotten distracted, and the ratio of one chemical to another was just a bit not right, just enough to—

It was carelessness, is all it was. Stupid. Idiotic. He can’t afford to call himself a demolitions expert if he can’t even handle semi-compustables without fucking it all up.

He’s still staring at the remnants of the exploded vile in his hand, tiny rivulets of blood running from the bits of broken glass embedded in his skin. He’s never liked being hurt, he’s never liked blood. It makes him feel fragile, and a bit like the times he was a child getting rapped on the knuckles for not trying hard enough in lessons, even though he was trying so hard. He flexes his hand. It burns, but not much, not as much as it probably should, and he should really get something to clean up the mess, but he’s just staring, staring and staring and wondering why he hadn’t thought to measure twice, why he hadn’t—

Jesper finds him like that, hunched over his work table, staring.

He’s very gentle as he handles Wylan into a chair and cradles his arm, brow furrowed and lips pursed as he inspects his hurt hand to look over the injury. Wylan feels frozen, like he’s stuck somewhere he doesn’t know how to find his way back from. Bracing for some kind of punishment—from who, he isn’t sure. Berating himself for being stupid enough to make a mistake he knows he’s better than and caught between the past and the present, in some cold and numb place in the middle.

Jesper catches his eyes. “Well, it looks like you’ll get to keep all your fingers.”

It draws a rough laugh out of Wylan, and he feels himself start to thaw. “Is that your professional opinion, Jesper Fahey?”

“Yes, and that’s Medik Fahey to you. Sit tight, love, and if you’re a good patient, I’ll even throw in a prize.”

Wylan snorts, then winces, because being out of his head means he can properly feel how much his hand actually hurts, and he finds that it does. Ouch.

Jesper gets out a pair of tweezers and pulls out every piece of glass, cleaning the cuts and wrapping them until Wylan has a bandage that runs from his fingertips up halfway to his elbow.

Jesper drops a kiss into the palm of Wylan’s hand when he’s done, soft and infinitely sweet in ways that Wylan cannot begin to define, in ways until recently he did not know he could have.

“Thank you,” he says, meaning it.

Jesper shrugs one shoulder and tilts his head, “Anytime. Well—not any time, please don’t make a habit of demo-disasters, not that this was a disaster, but—you know what I mean—”

Wylan cuts off the ramble with a kiss, marvelling at the way it never fails to make Jesper release a short little swallowed gasp into his mouth as his hands immediately pull Wylan closer. “I know,” Wylan says. “Thanks.”

“Right,” Jesper says, a little breathless. “Right,” he says again, dropping a kiss to the top of Wylan’s head and then flashing the grin that Wylan knows he uses when he wants to be charming. “First things first, I did say you’d get a prize, and I have it on good authority from Nina that waffles make the best medicine. Feel up to getting out of here?”

Wylan let’s Jesper pull him up by his uninjured hand and lead him out of the warehouse and into town. He’ll have to clean up the mess he’s made of his workstation tomorrow, remake the whole batch of flash bombs. But for now, as Jesper fills the silence with easy conversation about what he’d missed at the Crow Cub, the reassuring weight of his arm wrapped around his shoulders, Wylan thinks it can wait.

Maybe he can afford to be a little careless about some things.

[youremyonlyhope]

In Defense of Tolya/Inej

(A long rambling essay exploring asexuality, "shipping wars," and the effect that constant cancellations has had on fandom. 4600 words. I'm not even sorry that it's long. There's a tldr at the end.)

Let's start this off by saying I am asexual. Or demisexual... greysexual... aceflux... the point is I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't know where precisely. I don't personally think it really matters for me to specifically define it. I am somewhere over there. I also consider myself to be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (for that one I'm 90% sure I lean toward greyromantic).

All of this is to say: asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums. They are umbrella terms. There are subgroups within them to help describe the range of the spectrum, but if people want to just use asexual or aromantic to describe themselves then they can. Where I fall is different from where someone else falls, and that's different from where another person falls, and that's probably different from the person reading this if you are ace and/or aro too. And it's different for Tolya. There isn't one aroace experience and there isn't one type of aroace representation.

A little more about me. I am also mixed race. More specifically Black and white like Jesper, but mixed people of all races know the shared experiences of feeling like we're between two worlds. It's not as obvious in the show (I can't remember if it's even mentioned but I can see that some fans don't seem to know), but in in the books Tamar and Tolya are half-Shu and half-Ravkan. Also, I am a twin. I am a girl with a boy twin. My twin brother is a foot taller than me. So, Tamar and Tolya's existence in the Grishaverse speak to MY SOUL. Tamar, Tolya, and Jesper make me feel like so many parts of myself are represented on these pages.

Moving on from my background. Just another reminder that ace is a spectrum. Aro is a spectrum. Life. Is. A. Spectrum.

Onto the actual topic: Tolya. In the books, Tolya doesn't have any love interests. He also notably says "I have my faith, my books. I've never wanted more," in Rule of Wolves. This leads many fans to headcanon him as ace, aro, or aroace. I headcanon him as aroace too. I loved that one almost throwaway line and it made me feel even more connected to Tolya. I recently reread the Shadow and Bone trilogy and it renewed my love for Tolya. The perfect casting of Lewis Tan also reignited my excitement for seeing this character that I adore appear onscreen.

It seems, from the scene of Tolya helping Inej onto the boat, that the show will explore the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. THIS IS OK. This is ok specifically because THE STORY IS NOT OVER.

I find that when I am worried about something, going over worst case scenarios and best case scenarios can help me calm down. Let's list a few possibilities of where this will lead:

Tolya and Inej fall in love. Inej forgets Kaz exists. Tolya's possible aroace-ness is never acknowledged. They spend all their time kissing and having sex, never again hunting slavers or reciting poetry ever. If Inej and Kaz meet again, she'll break his heart because they'll never get together. Kaz dies alone. Tolya and Inej then have 20 kids.

Tolya develops (or has already developed) a crush on Inej. It's understandable, she helped save his life and they fought well together against Ohval. Tolya is a very outwardly affectionate person: he's open about his feelings (hence the constant poetry recitation), he loves to care for the people around him (sharing food with multiple characters, helping Jesper with Wylan), he values his blade (his hallucination nightmare is Tamar dying on his blade, he doesn't notice people ducking out of the way of his handle), and he is incredibly spiritual (praying in Shu-Han, but many more examples in the books, the show has barely touched the surface of his spirituality). He is nearly the polar opposite of Kaz, and Inej has said that Kaz cannot give her what she wants, so that probably draws Inej towards Tolya. They get closer after spending time at sea, and they start a relationship. They stay together through the end of the show. Kaz either stays alone or finds someone else. Tolya's aroace-ness is never acknowledged.

Everything from #2, except they don't stay together through the end of the show. Inej realizes that despite Tolya being able to give her what she thinks Kaz can't, she still wants Kaz. And Kaz, now having been away from Inej for a period of time and possibly working through some of his touch aversion and other anxieties, wants to try to meet Inej somewhere in the middle after knowing with it's like to almost lose her to someone else. She accepts Kaz, leaves Tolya, and Tolya is fine with it (because I can't imagine Tolya ever holding a grudge for that). Tolya's aroace-ness isn't never acknowledged, but is probably somewhat implied (something along the lines of telling Inej the "faith and books" line to reassure her).

Everything from #2, but this time Tolya is the one who realizes that this might not be what he wants. Maybe he realizes that he has romantic feelings for Inej but not sexual. Maybe he realizes that he has sexual feelings for Inej but not romantic. Maybe he realizes his feelings for Inej are purely platonic and the intensity comes from his gratitude for saving him. Or maybe the intensity comes from them connecting through their spirituality. This could either lead to Inej feeling sad and rejected and turning to Kaz for some comfort, OR she just agrees that the feelings aren't the same as what she had for Kaz. Kaz has now worked through some of his trauma. So they end the relationship, Toya is happy with his faith and books, and Inej reconnects with Kaz romantically.

The look that Tolya gave Inej wasn't from some sort of romantic interest, but instead intrigue at the chance of getting to know her better. They become best friends with their bond starting from their mutual love for blades and their spirituality. They become the blade fighting duo we never knew we needed. The show never mentions his sexuality, he just stays single.

Same as #5, but they also Tolya say the "faith and books" line and confirm he's aroace.

The show sees the negative response from some fans and does a complete 180, never addressing the possibility Tolya and Inej again. I do not want this to happen. Not because I like Tolnej, but because I hate that fan response and pandering has become a thing in the current age of social media and letting fans influence media. It completely ruined the Rise of Skywalker. I fully believe it's influenced RTD's Doctor Who (I can go more in depth on that another time). Looking at these examples, I would rather the Shadow and Bone writers continue with whatever storyline they already have planned rather than shift to appease some of the fans, even if that planned storyline isn't something I will like. People need to remember that the fans who care enough to speak on social media, both positively and negatively, only make up a small percentage compared to the entire viewership. So I definitely do not want them to take fan response into account when planning the show. Leigh is an executive producer, so I trust she wouldn't let them explore something with her characters and her world that she wouldn't mind seeing herself.

Kaz, in my headcanon, also falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Whether it's because of his touch aversion or if that's just a part of it, I do think he's somewhat asexual. While most of us are ace just because we're ace, there are some people who are ace due to past trauma and I've imagined Kaz falls in that category. To me, subtly in the books but definitely in the show, Inej desires a sexual relationship and she's well aware that Kaz doesn't want that. Her hallucination, which I see so many Kanej fans gif'ing and fangiring over, would never happen at this point in Kaz's life. Inej realizes it in the moment, and that's how she knows it isn't real. Tolya is literally using his Heartrender abilities to try to slow down the effects of the poison before succumbing to the horror of his hallucination, but it's Inej who snaps out of her hallucination first BECAUSE she knows what she's seeing is not possible. It's different from Jesper, who knows his hallucination isn't real since his mom is gone and yet still wants to stay in it, because Inej knows this could theoretically happen, but also knows that Kaz would never let it happen. She doesn't even let herself enjoy the hallucination the way Jesper did because it's something she doesn't think she can ever have with Kaz. There is a very real possibility that the show could ultimately decide (after some combination of the earlier scenarios in my list) that Tolnej doesn't work/doesn't happen AND then that Inej and Kaz will never have any sort of relationship either. They could all end up single or with other characters. Even at the end of Crooked Kingdom, the Kanej relationship is still somewhat ambiguous. They hold hands, she says she's not ready to give up on him, and he helped find her family, but they aren't explicitly in love. I wouldn't be surprised if the show goes the book route and leaves Kanej ambiguous yet hopeful at the end.

BONUS! Just because I think it'd be fun. Make Tolya canonically aromantic and just care deeply and platonically for Inej, but maybe he can still fulfill Inej's desire for a sexual relationship since he can be demi or greysexual or even asexual with a libido. Kaz may never fully stop being touch averse, which is perfectly fine, and he and Inej connect romantically with a fulfilling life of love. And then Kaz and Tolya get to bond deeply platonically over their mutual love for life's beauty (poetry and Inej). Make them some sort of triad that mixes and fulfills everyone's romantic, sexual, and platonic needs. It's a win-win-win for all three. It doesn't have to be a love triangle, Inej has two hands. Do I expect the show to go in this direction? No. Would I love to see it? Yes.

Obviously I'm exaggerating scenerio #1 on purpose. Because that exaggeration is what I imagine people to seem to think the show is leading to based on how intense their responses have been so far. I also tried to address some other things I've seen people freaking out about when making the scenarios, like how Kaz will react to Tolya or worrying if Tolya being aroace will ever be acknowledged in the show.

What do I think is most likely to happen? Honestly, scenario #3 or #4. Maybe #6. That's why I'm not freaking out. Yes I ship Kanej, yes I think Tolya is aroace, but I also like the idea of them exploring Tolnej and I think either #3 or #4 would be fun to see. While the show strays from the books in a lot of ways, I don't think they'll stray from the final relationships by the end of it.

At the end of Ruin and Rising, Mal and Alina get to leave, get married, and live an ordinary life full of ordinary things. I LOVE the ending (apparently that's another controversial opinion I have about the Grishaverse) but that didn't happen in the show. Yet. The show has separated Mal and Alina so that Mal can figure out who he is without his tracking and so they can find out if they love each other for each other, or if it was just destiny that pulls them together. This is not in the book at all. And yet I love it. It can lead to strengthening their relationship since I trust the show will still end eventually with them together, hopefully with their ordinary ending. I think the show is doing the same thing with Kanej. The "I'll have you without your armor or not at all" conversation actually came towards the end of the duology, but the show moved it much earlier. I like that they did because this gives them something to build up from. Another reason I like scenarios #3 and #4 is because they still give Kaz the opportunity take what Inej said to heart and try to live without his armor. At the end of Crooked Kingdom, he takes off his glove and holds Inej's hand, but he is not at that point in the show yet. He will be eventually. And knowing that Inej might move on with Tolya can give him more reason to work to get to that point. I don't think the show is telling us Kanej will never happen, I think the possibility of Tolnej is the same as them separating Malina. I believe they will all come back together.

And if any of my listed scenarios do happen: THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN TOLYA'S SEXUALITY IS ERASED.

Sexuality in the Grishaverse is never defined. The fans can make inferences based on the relationships that Leigh gives her characters, but they don't define the characters' sexualities with labels in the books. This is because in the Grishaverse, labels as we know them don't seem to exist. You can kind of think of it in the way that we should treat LGBT+ people in history: we can give them labels of what we would consider them to be in our current era, but we'll never truly know what they would have labeled themselves because either they were closeted or there were just no labels for their sexualities at the time. And when they did have labels, they often called themselves things that many LGBT+ people would never use today. I look at the Grishaverse characters' sexualities in a similar way; they don't label themselves, and we can make assumptions based on the labels we would use, but they will never be explicitly canon unless Leigh puts it in the books.

For example, Hanne in Rule of Wolves (MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THIS PARAGRAPH) Leigh uses "she/her" pronouns for them up until the last part of the book, and then Leigh is careful to NEVER use any pronouns for Hanne again. The fandom assumes Hanne identifies as a transman from that point on or maybe nonbinary, but we really don't know for sure yet because it happened so late in the book. The Grishaverse wiki uses "they/them" pronouns for Hanne precisely because we don't know what they prefer. All we know is that they always felt uncomfortable when they presented as a girl, and they enjoyed Tailoring themself to be more masculine. Maybe in future books we will get a definite answer as to whether they are a transman or nonbinary, but for now we technically don't know. But out of respect, the fandom has agreed to use they/them for Hanne. (RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS ARE DONE)

So, if Tolya does have a relationship with Inej at some point in the show, whether or not it lasts, it doesn't erase the possibility of Tolya being on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums. The show and books are never going to give him a definitive label. He could be demisexual/romantic and figure out after forming a bond with Inej that he has sexual or romantic feelings for her. Or he could be greysexual/romantic, which has a purposefully wide definition (rare specific circumstance that he desires having a relationship, weak attraction or difficulty telling it apart from platonic feelings, etc), and his experiences with Inej could fall into one of those categories. In these cases, we'd probably get a scene where he'd say something like "I've always thought I only needed my books and faith, but after getting to know you, Inej, I have never felt this way before and I don't think I'll ever feel this way again." This would still be representation for people who fall along the middle of the aroace spectrum, but not those at the furthest edge. If the relationship doesn't last and through it he realizes that he's sure that these are things he's not interested in, then that represents every aroace person who had to go through that before coming to terms with their sexuality. It's not erasure. Maybe it doesn't specifically represent YOU if you consider yourself aroace, but it definitely represents SOMEONE who does (I'd find it very relatable).

And all of this goes back to something I mentioned at the start: the show is not DONE. If it gets renewed, which it likely will, then there is more to see. To me, the people I see freaking out about the possibility of Tolnej, whether it's because they ship Kanej and don't want a triangle or because they don't want Tolya's sexuality to be "erased," are reacting the way you'd usually see people react if the show ended at this point. But it probably will not. And then when I see posts from the people who are thinking ahead, they seem to only be considering scenario #1 and not realizing there are a multitude of directions for the show to go in. It's not worth freaking out over. Plus, there's always the saying "don't like don't read," so if you find you really are disliking even the possibility that any scenario I listed could come true, you can just not watch the show and pretend it doesn't exist. The books are never changing. Even if the show changes everything, even if they have Alina end up with Jesper or Wylan end up with Nadia or Zoya marry a volcra or any other ridiculous outcome that utterly changes the show's canon, the book's canon will never change. You can always turn to the books if things don't ultimately turn out in a way you want them to.

Also, why am I seeing people complain that fans are writing fanfiction already about Tolnej? Why are you complaining about what other fans are doing that has zero affect on you? Fanfiction is not just for the canon ships. It's not even just for shipping in general, but it's definitely not reserved to the ships that are canon. You can write fanfiction for any ship you want to. Shipping wars have never truly made sense to me, but maybe that's because my first big online fandom was Glee and the ships were constantly changing and switching around so there was no point in putting too much effort into arguing because it may all change in the next episode anyway. Yes, we had lots of ship wars, but when people shipped the most random "crackships" possible then the appropriate response for most people was "wow, they really ship that, weird" and then to move on. Let people write fanfics. That's why AO3 exists. You can just write whatever you like. And yes of course a new crop of fans hate AO3, which is a whole other issue I cannot wrap my head around, but the point is to just let people write the fanfic they want to write and make the fanart they want to. Someone has already made a Tolnej fanvid on YouTube? Wow that's incredible since they did it so quickly! Malina on the moon AU? Cool throw in some sun and moon jokes! Do you think that Wylan and Hershaw would be best friends? Go for it, they'll probably blow everything up! The Darkling and Mal and Alina incest AU fic? Not my cup of tea but you do you and I just won't read it. People will write what they want to, and they aren't hurting anyone in the process, so if you don't want to see it then don't read it.

I see people complaining that shipping wars will begin to start after this fandom had been so peaceful for years. Honestly, the only reason there weren't shipping wars before this was because Six of Crows didn't have enough characters and possible ships to have a war over. Mixing with Shadow and Bone earlier in the timeline has opened up the possibilities. You know how to prevent shipping wars? Just don't fight with people who ship the things that you don't ship. Don't engage. If you see a Tolnej fanfiction, don't tell the author "Ew I hate Tolnej. You shouldn't have written this." just don't read it. Or if you do read it and still don't like it, then move on. If someone who ships Tolnej comes on a Kanej post and starts saying Tolnej is better, or vice versa, you can press the block button. Or you can just not respond to them. A shipping war doesn't start if you don't fight in it. There can just be people who ship Tolnej, people who ship Kanej, people who ship all 3 of them together, and everyone can just choose what they want to interact with and scroll past what they don't.

When it comes to Avatar: The Last Airbender, I am a gigantic Zutara shipper, and the Zutara vs Kataang ship war was infamously a bad one, but I just try not to engage in it. I know my ship isn't canon. Sure, I'll complain that it's not canon, maybe say "Oh in this scene they were so in love" and think about what could have been, but then I just go read Zutara fanfics. If you don't want to see shipping wars, don't participate. Ignore it. Move on.

But you know what? I think I know what the ultimate source of this is, or at least one of the sources. I've been seeing similar uproars in the Stranger Things and Umbrella Academy fandoms this year. Both are fandoms that also tend to skew younger than myself. I think fans, especially younger fans, are now reacting in these intense ways as a defense mechanism because so many shows get cancelled early. They're preparing in advance for this to be the last of whatever media they love, they're preparing for this to be canon forever, and they aren't happy.

Using Stranger Things as my example, I saw it happen when people were mad that Will didn't come out as gay at the end of Season 4 and that Mike didn't fall in love with him. I get that you guys ship them, and I love Will and want him to be happy, but just because it didn't happen in Season 4 doesn't mean it's not going to happen. First of all, Will is a 14 year old kid in the 1986 from a small town in Indiana that can barely handle Dungeons and Dragons and he's already been bullied at school for possibly being gay, coming out is not as easy as it is today. Reagan only just acknowledged AIDS one year earlier. Even Robyn hasn't come out to anyone but Steve. If they had thrown in Will coming out amongst the chaos of Elle fighting Vecna and trying to save Max, I know people would complain that it got shoehorned in as an afterthought. And because it didn't happen at all, people are complaining about that too. I know people will always complain about something, but I'm sure that fewer fans would complain if they didn't have the fear of cancellation instilled in them. Sure, Stranger Things would never get cancelled before finishing the planned story, but these fans are just used to feeling that the end of each season of every show could possibly be The End, and then complain about the loose ends accordingly.

That's what I think I'm seeing from the people who are upset about the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. The show will probably be renewed, but it's not guaranteed. If it were to end right now, then yeah, fans who only watch the show would assume Inej and Kaz will never be together, that Tolya is interested Inej, and they'd have no idea that he's implied to be aroace in the books. But here's the thing: if you read the books, you know none of this is true. In the books, Tolya is aroace representation. In the books, Kaz and Inej are implied to have a romantic future. Why does it matter to you and your life if some people who watch the show don't know about the parts of the books that haven't happened yet? The fans who are mad about this change are all book fans because we're the ones who know it's a change. If we don't like the change, we can always choose to only acknowledge the books. The books can't be cancelled. The books are not going to change. Even if the show goes in directions you don't like, you can always take solace in the books.

Also, I see way too many people complaining about Tolya and Inej who have only read SoC/CK but not any of the books that Tolya actually appears in.

I'm nearly done. I wanted to address the aroace fans who are sad because they saw themselves in Tolya and now feel he doesn't represent them. I'm sorry that a character you connected to doesn't touch you the same way in the show as they did in the book. But you can't say Tolya isn't aroace representation in the show, at least not yet. At this point, he doesn't represent YOU and you definitely deserve representation, but he does represent SOMEONE. And hopefully he will continue to represent someone. So many aroace people had relationships with people they cared about and thought they felt romantic or sexual love for, before they eventually realized they were aroace. If this ends up as Tolya's story, then that rings true to SO MANY people. As I keep repeating, the show is not over, this could be leading to one of the scenarios where Tolya figures out that he is aroace through pursuing a relationship with Inej. He could already be demi or grey and it just hasn't come up in the show yet, but meeting Inej is one of the few times in his life that he does feel romantic and/or sexual attraction. Or, the look he gave her was just platonic and he's excited to have her aboard the Volkvolny.

We don't know for sure. It's better to just let the show's story unfold and remember that you will always have the books you love, rather than waste energy worrying about where the show is heading.

So yeah. I love Tolya. I love the idea of Tolnej. I love any plot point that can put more Tolya on my screen. I am greyromantic and demi/grey/flux/asexual/whatever and I personally like where they're taking his character and I want to see what it leads to. I hope it ultimately leads to him staying on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, but we don't know for sure right now. We just need to wait and see.

Also, don't tag any hate posts for the ship in the Tolya Yul-Bataar, Tolnej, Tolya x Inej, and Inej x Tolya tags. That's just fandom etiquette 101.

.......................

tl;dr:

1) The show isn't done yet and we don't know where it's heading. 2) The show can be heading in a bunch of different directions, including keeping Tolya as aroace and having Kanej be canon. 3) Asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and umbrella terms, so Tolya could be with Inej and still be considered aroace. 4) This isn't erasing aroace representation because there will still be aroace people who will feel represented by him. 5) The books are not going away so if worst comes to worst, he'll still always be aroace representation in the books.

[italianwithanattitude]

Jet Black Hair (K.B.)

Kaz Brekker x FEM!reader

A/N: this is my first time writing on tumblr so please let me know what I do and don’t do! Anyways, enjoy loves.

Summary: Kaz starts to panic and Y/N try’s to help him the best she can.

Warnings: touch aversion, panic attack, mention of anxiety attacks, mention of desire, idk if I missed anything so let me know.

Word count: 1921

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Thief. Criminal. Gang Leader. The Bastard of the Barrel. Dirtyhands. These were all names to describe the one and only, Kaz Brekker. But the people giving Kaz these names obviously didn’t know him, at least not like Y/N did.

Y/N and Kaz had been in a relationship for at least for a year and a half now. Y/N was in love with him since the first time she saw him, his jet black hair, the small limp that made him who he is, and those eyes. Those god damn unsettlingly deep, brown eyes. Y/N wanted to melt every time they exchanged a glance. Kaz’s gaze would soften the minute he laid eyes on his girl.

But with love came other emotions. Kaz still struggled greatly with his PTSD and touch aversion caused by it. It always made him sad or angry to see Y/N touching Jespers arm, or sharing a long hug with Nina. God it angered Kaz that he couldn’t do anything about it. He saw you cast longingful glances at couples at the club that were making out or holding hands, and it pained him, reminding himself that he wasn’t good enough for you. But that wasn’t true at all, you love him, and wouldn’t trade him for anything.

“Kaz wants to see you.” Inej said, popping her head around the door frame of your quarters. You were just finishing the second book in the selection series when she arrived. A smile lit up your face but when Inej didn’t return the smile you knew something was wrong. Before Inej could say another word you were off your cot and sprinting up the flights of stairs to Kaz. You probably looked like an idiot sprinting through the club with PJ pants and Kaz’s black button up on. Without knocking, which you would always knock, you burst in the door. You stood their for a moment in shock, Kaz Brekker was crying. You waisted no more time and ran over next to him, stopping before you touched.

“Kaz?” Y/N whispered. Kaz’s face was buried deep in his hands, his body jumping up and down. No response. “Kaz?” You whispered again. No response. You tried one more time “Kaz.” You whispered placing a hand on his shoulder blade, and you instantly realized that was the worst thing you could do. His body jumped his eyes shooting to yours, red and puffy. You quickly retracted your hand, realizing the horrible mistake you made. Kaz was panicking, he wasn’t crying. You suddenly saw his chest rising and falling at a crazy rapid pace. He was going to pass out if he kept like this. “Kaz look at me,” you said fiercely.

Kaz lifted his eyes to meet Y/N’s. His skin was covered in goosebumps from her touch. He felt waves of nausea pass over him. He couldn’t breathe he was sucking in air but it wasn’t coming. “I-” Kaz tried to choke out but being cut off by another wave of nausea. Kaz dropped his gloved hands onto his desk, staring at the piles of plans and papers, but instead only seeing blurs of white and other colors. “Kaz, speak to me.” Y/N begged, but your voice was distant and he couldn’t focus on what Y/N was saying. The air wasn’t coming fast enough and Kaz started to see black dots crowding his vision.

“Kaz say something please!” You pleaded but he didn’t answer he was still hyperventilating, his eyes fixed on something that wasn’t even there. You had never seen Kaz like this. He looked pale, sickly, like he had seen a ghost. You wanted to reach out and hug him, pull him back to earth, but she couldn’t. Y/N felt hot tears starting to stream down her face. She can’t see him like this. The love of her life sitting right their, having a panic attack and you couldn’t do anything. “I-” Kaz’s voice cut through your thoughts. “Kaz” you gasped. “I- I’m going to faint.” He gasped through heaved of air. Y/N went still, eyes widening in panic. “Kaz, Kaz, Kaz. No no no. Stay with me. Stay Kaz.” Y/N pleaded the fiery tears flowing freely now. “NINA!” You screamed hoping someone heard. You heard a clamber of footsteps up the steps, you looked over. It was Jesper, stunned looking at the scene in front of him. “Get Nina you cried.” And Jesper ran. Returning minutes later with Wylan, Inej, Matthias, and Nina. Kaz looked up for a short moment though he probably only saw blurbs of color. “Everyone out except Nina!” You commanded, nobody should ever have seen Kaz like that except you. Jesper, Wylan, Matthias, and Inej filed out, as Nina rushed over to your side. “What’s wrong?” Nina quizzed rubbing circles on your back to calm you. “He’s having a panic attack and said he was going to faint. I don’t know, I thought you could slow his heart or something.” Y/N gasped between tears. Nina gave a sharp nod as she though of the best way to approach the situation. You looked back at Kaz. He shakily turned to look at you. His usual deep brown eyes, clouded and shallow. “Kaz, breathe.” Y/N pleaded, as Nina began to work. She began to slow his heart rate and control his breathing. Kaz began to slow his hyperventilating and his grip loosened on his desk.

His vision began to clear and he could make out the blurry figure of Nina, her hand was pressed to his chest and when his body came back from numbness he felt it and jumped. Nina removed her hand and nodded to Y/N before waking out, but stopped in the door frame. “You’re welcome Kaz.” Nina sighed before clicking away. “Darling?” Kaz heard Y/N whisper, his vision clear enough to see his beautiful Y/H/C haired queen kneeling beside him. He tried to force the corners of his mouth up to smile at her, but he couldn’t, he was too out of it. “Hi.” Y/N said, a big smile gracing her face. “Hi.” Kaz croaked, his voice full of cracks and gravel. Y/N reached to tuck a piece of Kaz’s hair that fell out of place and was sticking to his sweat sheened forehead. Though this time he didn’t flinch or push her away, he just shivered lightly. “Do you wanna talk about?” Y/N said as softly as possible. It took Kaz a minute to muster up the courage but then said it. “I’m not good for you Y/N. I see how you touch others and stare at the couples that are making out. I see how you sigh when you see couples holding hands. I can’t do that for you. I can’t Y/N.” There was a long pause. “I love you.” Y/N said. She had never said it to him before. ‘I love you’ rang through Kaz’s head. No, she can’t love me, he thought. She can’t because I’m not good for her, she craves touch that I can’t give her. But I do love her, the last person I loved left, and I had thought I would never love again, then you came into my life and I fell, I fell so fucking hard for you. I just can’t say it. What if I loose her too. Kaz thought to himself. Eventually he spoke. “I lo-” he cut himself off. “I- I can’t say it.” He stumbled over his words. Y/N nodded solemnly a sad smile on her face. She began to stand up and walk away, but Kaz darted his hand out and grabbed her wrist. He starred up at her still in his desk chair. “but I mean it.” He said yanking her down so their lips met. The kiss lasted barely a second but felt like years to Kaz. His girls flesh was alive, warm, hot, electrifying. Her touch set him on fire, as much as his body begged for more his brain and nausea told him no. Y/N looked shocked and red. A blush had spread over her cheeks and nose. She had her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, and when he saw that she was wearing his shirt he wanted to groan out loud at how it looked on her. “I- Kaz, I didn’t do that to push you-” Y/N spoke her mouth agape about what to say. “I don’t want you to regret it.” She frowned. Kaz felt sadness rush over him, she thought he didn’t want to do that?! “I will never regret that Y/N. Hell I actually didn’t even mind the feeling of your lips against mine.” He chuckled. “So Mr. Brekker does have a soft side.” Y/N teased. “Fuck off.” Kaz grumbled, but couldn’t hide the smirk that crossed his face. After a moment of silence and eye contact Kaz spoke.

“I want to try.” Y/N’s eyes shot wide. “For a baby?!! Kaz we’re both 17 and you just kissed me for the first time- I don’t think I’m ready to-” Kaz started laughing out loud. Y/N stopped rambling. “Are you laughing at me?!?! You were the one who-” Kaz cut her off. “I didn’t mean for a baby Y/N, Saints!” Kaz laughed at your scared expression turning to a confused one. “I want to try to get over my condition.” Kaz felt embarrassed talking about his PTSD and looked down at his lap. “Hey.” You said sweetly and quietly. He looked up to meet your eyes. “Let’s try-” “FOR A BABY Y/N OH MY ARE YOU CRAZY?!??” Kaz mocked. You scoffed and rolled your eyes. After a moment Kaz said “I would like that.” With a smile as he looked at you. “Where do we start?” He said, embarrassed once more. “I have an idea.” You smiled. You went and sat on your knees on Kaz’s extremely large bed, patting the section of bed in front of you for him to sit. Kaz grabbed his cane and limped over to you shakily. You smiled as he sat down with his back to you. “If you want me to stop say something or tap my leg.” You said as you brought your hands up to his gelled back hair. You slowly slid your fingers into his jet black locks and began playing with them. Breaking apart the strands that were gelled together, careful not to hurt Kaz. “My mom would do this to calm me down. I have never told you this but when I was younger I used to have anxiety attacks, so she would do this and I calmed down instantly.” You said, slowly brushing through his silky strands. He had thicker hair that was extremely soft. “This feels good.” Kaz mumbled slowly leaning back so his back was against your chest. You smiled, seeing that his usual scowl and frown were replaced by pure bliss and relaxation. You continued to play with your boyfriends hair and massage his scalp, getting him used to you touching him. After 10 minutes he started to shift uncomfortably and you whispered to him “it’s me Kaz, I’m right here.” Then continued to mumble sweet nothings until you noticed his breathing had evened and he was asleep. You smiled down at your handsome boyfriend. You didn’t bother to get up but just sat their, letting him lay on you in comfortable bliss.

“I love you”

[thecrowcrew]

this too shall pass

a wesper fanfic i wrote forever ago and chickened out of posting until now - tw: features description of a panic attack - read it on ao3

Sometimes it still came down to this. Sometimes it felt like there was nothing in the world besides Wylan and the incomprehensible swirl of letters in front of him. There were nights that he still cried over books, nights that he sat on the floor, trembling and trying to be better. Tonight was one of those nights.

Wylan sat on the floor in his room, pouring over a book, the plush carpet underneath him doing nothing to stop his legs from growing stiff and aching from disuse. Wylan didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, staring at the page in the book, trying to remember what his old tutors had told him about letters and sounds. The memories of his tutors only brought more unpleasant ones with them, like what his dad would say when another day had passed with no concrete improvement in Wylan’s ability to read. This mix of memories and desperation was making Wylan panic harder - it felt like the whole world was too loud. The pounding of his heart in his ears sounded like his father yelling, it sounded like things being thrown, it sounded like a slap to the face.

You’ll never be good enough. How do you expect me to love you like this? You’re not trying hard enough, Wylan. You don’t care enough. You’re a disgrace. A Failure. You shouldn’t have been born.

 The phrases seemed to be on a loop in his brain, and Wylan couldn’t remember what his father actually said or what he was just imagining. The air around him felt heavy and hot, too hot. He felt like he was suffocating. All he could hear were his own thoughts. All he could see were rows of letters, meaningless to him, blurred with tears.

 Wyllan had been feeling better. His old house had felt gigantic and ridiculously lavish after living on the Barrel, and he sometimes still felt his pulse skyrocket at loud noises, convinced that his father would hurtle around the corner, harsh words on his lips and fury in his blood, but overall he was doing better. He had felt himself growing comfortable in the slow and steady pace of his new life, and Jesper reading to him had been working out better than he could have hoped. Wylan’s life was settling down. He should feel fine. He should feel incredible.

 But some nights it was just too hard to deal with the remnants of his father’s abuse. Wylan had spent too many nights curled up on the floor as his father yelled over him, too many nights hiding in various corners in an effort to push off the inevitable punishment, too many nights hating himself and wishing he were a different person; Wylan had internalized too much for it to all disappear in a matter of weeks, but he was still upset. He had no reason to be beating himself up now. Now that he had his mother and Jesper, now that he was safe, with Jan Van Eck locked away and disgraced. He knew his panic and shame at being illiterate was irrational now that he was surrounded by people who loved him, but that sentiment was ringing hollow and untrue amongst the shaking and the panic and the flashbacks. Wylan’s breathing was too fast, he distantly thought. His heartbeat was erratic, and he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Was he dying?

 Wylan threw the book across the room in a surge of frustration, and it hit the wall with a thump and fell to the floor like a slain monster. Wylan pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, trying to block out the swirl of words in his head, the yelling and the insults, the flashes of memory that clouded his vision and took him away from the safety of the guest room he had claimed as his own. He felt like a child throwing a fit, the image of how immature he must look only making his breathing more erratic and his panic and frustration rise.

 Wylan dimly registered the sound of someone knocking on the door, but he made no move to respond to the sound, focusing instead on trying to slow his rapid, shallow breathing. Just calm down. This is stupid. You’re being stupid. Just. Calm. Down.

 It wasn’t working.

 Wylan faintly heard the door open, and he could feel the thumps of Jesper’s footsteps through the floor as he approached Wylan, sitting down near him gently.

 “Is it ok if I hold you? Would that make you feel better? I know sometimes it just makes people feel worse and I don’t want to make you feel worse so I just want to make sure,” Jesper rambled, his concern making him feel out of his depth and unsure. His usual restless energy just made him want to reach out to Wylan more, a mantra of help him, help him, help him occupying his mind.

 Wylan nodded without registering what he was doing. He was desperately in need of anything to ground him, and Jesper’s strong arms and fresh scent would certainly help.

 Jesper shifted to sit behind Wylan, his chest to Wylan’s back, began to breath deeply. He knew that Wylan had trouble breathing when he got panicked like this, and he figured that trying to help with that was as good a place to start as any.

 Through the haze of memories (you’re not good enough to be my son Wylan if you could read I would love you nobody will love someone as pathetic and stupid as you), Wylan could feel Jesper’s chest moving in the slow in and out rhythm of calming breaths, and he latched onto it to focus on. He brought his mind to the feeling of Jesper’s arms around him, the smooth skin and lean muscles, the warmth his body provided. The shift in focus allowed him to clear his mind and stop spiraling his panic by unsuccessfully trying to calm himself down.

 Eventually, the panic and fear that had been coursing through him slowly melted from his body, taking the painful memories and insults with them. He could focus on his surroundings again, and Wylan leaned back into Jesper, feeling exhausted.

 “I’m sorry,” he said, looking at the floor.

 “Hey,” Jesper muttered, his mouth close to Wylan’s ear, arms wrapped protectively around him, “this isn’t you fault.”

 “I just,” Wylan paused for a moment, letting his eyes trace the intricate wallpaper across the room from him, “I know I should be over it by now. I-I have you and I was feeling better but...”

 Jesper shifted his hold enough to allow him to look at Wylan’s face, even though Wylan still had his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. “Hey. Wylan. You shouldn’t feel bad for this. This type of thing, I don’t know, it takes time to work through. You can’t just wake up one day and forget about all the bad stuff. It’s a process, I think. I know that it’s hard but, I’m here for you.”

 Wylan turned his head and met Jesper’s gaze, his gray eyes looking completely serious, earnest in his assertions. A rush of emotions bubbled up within Wylan, and suddenly he felt unending and limitless gratitude and appreciation for Jesper Fahey. He stared at Jesper for a while, before leaning in and kissing his cheek. “What would I do without you?”

 “Probably lounge around all day, playing the flute,” Jesper responded, the teasing light in his eyes back.

 Wylan shifted away from Jesper and stood up. He held out his hand for Jesper to take, which he did, then he led them both to the bed on the other side of the room. Wylan sat on the edge of the mattress, their hands still joined, while Jesper stood over Wylan, looking at the younger boy with something that Wylan couldn’t quite place. Something deep and pure.

 Neither of them were outright smiling. The night had been colored by seriousness, and it would have felt improper and intrusive to break that, but that did not mean that they were sad.

 Wylan interrupted the moment with a yawn.

 “Shall we go to bed then?” Jesper asked, squeezing Wylan’s hand and kicking off his shoes. Jesper always wore shoes inside the house no matter how many times Wylan reminded him that he didn’t need to.

 “Yeah,” Wylan replied, softly. He kept his eyes on Jesper as he shifted and lay down in the bed. They lay facing each other, both staring at the other for several long moments.

 “Thank you,” Wylan whispered, not wanting to crack the fragile tranquility that had settled over them.

 Jesper just smiled back at him. Even though Wylan was exhausted from the intense emotions he had just experienced, he still fought to keep his eyes open for as long as possible, thinking about how lucky he was to have Jesper as he stared at the boy’s face and felt their arms and legs tangled together.

 This was where Wylan felt safe. And as he eventually let his eyes slip closed, he could still hear Jesper’s breathing, deep and slow. It sounded like waves rushing to meet the beach, it sounded like coming home after a long time away, it sounded like gentle kisses, exchanged in the bright morning sun.

 It sounded like love.